Downloaded from YTS.MX
[upbeat music playing]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[man] Come on, everybody in the house!
[crowd cheering]
-[woman] Woo, babe! -[cheering continues]
-[upbeat music continues] -[crowd continues cheering]
Hey! Wow!
[cheering continues]
Thanks! You're so nice!
-Damn, there is so many of you. -[crowd cheers]
-[woman laughs] Damn!
Oh!
-[crowd cheering] -We have really been waiting for this.
[laughter]
We had to rebook a couple of times.
[laughter]
This isn't the smallest venue either.
Damn, it's nice to be here. I have been touring this fall.
I have been to places like Falun,
[crowd laughter]
Kristianstad,
[laughter]
Boras.
[laughter]
Me and Boras aren't the best of friends, you could say.
[laughter]
So it's nice to be back in Stockholm again. At the Aviici Arena!
[crowd cheering]
Wow.
[whistling, cheering]
So we had to move this show quite a few times
because of the ongoing pandemic.
Wasn't that great?
I'm not going to talk about the pandemic but most things were shut down.
Restaurants were shut, stand-up clubs were shut.
So, most things were shut, apart from Spy Bar…
[crowd cheering]
…that kept a little hatch open.
-[chuckles] -[crowd laughter]
And I ran at it…
[chuckles]
…so to speak, at full throttle.
[laughter]
Drunk as a skunk, I stood there with a champagne bucket on my head…
[laughter]
…and someone was filming.
-[comic music playing] -[crowd cheering]
[chuckles]
[crowd cheering increases]
[applause]
It was recorded and spread in the media.
I became the face of partying during the pandemic.
[crowd laughter]
I was the only one who got shit for it. No one else got shit.
My agent calls me. "Don't bring it up in the podcast."
So, I bring it up in the podcast.
-[chuckles] -[crowd cheering]
You know that famous press conference that Stefan Lofven held,
the "No More Partying" press conference?
[crowd chuckling]
It's about me.
[crowd laughter]
Just say my fucking name, Stefan, seriously.
[crowd laughs, cheers]
That's not how you want your prime minister to see you.
You'd like him to see you winning the UN Peace Prize or some shit like that.
No, he sees me throwing all caution to the wind in the middle of a pandemic.
So, my only hobby, which was partying, went up in smoke.
I didn't know what to do.
So, I had to get a new hobby. What do you do? What now?
People got new hobbies during the pandemic.
People have started playing Padel…
[crowd cheers]
…and having kids and stuff like that.
[crowd laughter]
I thought, "What the hell should I do? What now?"
I ended up standing on a stage…
wearing a dragon costume.
[crowd cheering loudly]
[applause]
I don't deserve any applause, I must say.
For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about,
I hope there are some,
I was in "Masked Singer Season One."
[crowd cheering]
Wow, thanks.
[crowd cheers]
Absolutely the worst thing I've done in my entire life.
I never agreed to do it.
I met the producer the other week. She said, "I don't recall you saying yes."
-[screaming] "No!" -[crowd laughter]
"Because I fucking didn't! Suddenly, I was just there."
[crowd chuckling]
It's the worst thing I've ever done.
But I've never felt as skinny as when people thought I was Anja Parson.
[crowd cheering, applause]
"Fuck yeah!" I took a look in the mirror…
I mean… "Okay. I've lost some weight."
[crowd chuckles]
Thinking that I'm Anja Parson
is like thinking that Leif GW Persson will not ever get tired.
[crowd laughter]
It's never going to happen.
Poor Anja.
She got a comment on Instagram,
"Wow, you're the dragon in 'Masked Singer'."
There's a fucking heffalump on stage.
[crowd laughter]
To think that I am Anja Parsson…
I'm serious. It's like saying your best quality is being kind.
She feels horrible about this. It was on YouTube so…
[crowd laughter]
It was completely horrible. Worst thing ever.
But I think I did it because I had a bit of an identity crisis.
I'll tell you why. I think I've been kidnapped.
[few voices laugh]
Strange reaction. [chuckles]
[crowd laughter warms up]
I think my parents kidnapped me. I'll tell you why.
A few years ago, a friend of mine had been prescribed a new medication
and wanted to check her medical records.
I was in hospital as a kid. I'm allergic to different things and I take medication.
The thing is, I know there's stuff about me in the records.
I know there's stuff there. So, I thought I'd have a look, just for fun.
I logged into the online healthcare platform. There's nothing there.
Not one single fucking record. I immediately got suspicious.
I called my mom. I'll give that old hag a piece of my mind, I thought.
[crowd laughter]
So I called her. She says, "Hi, darling, how are you?" I was like, "Huh!
"Well, hello…
[crowd laughter]
[with attitude] …Anette."
[crowd laughter]
"Hope all is good with you."
"Just one little question…"
"My medical records. Let's talk about them. Where are they?"
My mom works in healthcare,
so she said, "You have to request your medical records."
So, I believed her. I called the healthcare advice line.
I spoke to this super nice woman, Birgitta.
We clicked immediately. It was incredible.
Finally, I said, "Hey, Birgitta…
Don't you think I should just… get those records?"
She said, "Of course you should have your medical records."
So I gave her my personal identification number,
but suddenly it went quiet.
I said, "Hello? Birgitta? Are you still there?"
Then she said to me, "Johanna, I'm sorry, but you don't have any records."
[crowd chuckling]
Um…
"Come on, darling Birgitta…"
"Call Lena at the hospital in Vasteras. I've been in hospital, I'm sure."
She said, "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do."
She hangs up.
This is when I start working for the Security Service.
[crowd laughter]
I start an investigation.
I start calling up friends and family. I called my grandma.
"Don't you remember when I was in hospital?"
She was like, "No, Johanna. You've never been in hospital."
I'm sorry, but that little bitch…
[crowd laughter]
…remembers when my sister got a tetanus shot,
but when I'm in hospital for three days she gets Alzheimer's.
I called my dad. "You remember when I was in hospital, right?"
"Johanna, you've dreamed this. It never happened."
[crowd chuckles]
"It did. You gave me candy.
I hope it was you, otherwise it was some other old fucker."
Suddenly, I got a text from my uncle. "Stop digging around in this, Johanna."
[crowd laughter]
I'm quite sure I'll keep digging, just so you know.
[crowd laughter]
The thing is, I've been in hospital my whole life.
No, of course not my whole life but many times.
I am in the hospital right now actually, I have to get back right after the show.
[crowd laughter]
I have an infusion drip backstage.
[crowd chuckles]
I've been in hospital many times.
I've been allergic to tomatoes my entire life.
But no one has ever wanted to talk about that at home. Never.
I'd ask my parents, "When did I become allergic to tomatoes?"
They'll say, "Well…" [mimics parents mumbling]
Totally psychotic.
But I remember going on vacation to Portugal.
I had tomatoes there.
Big Portuguese tomatoes, tomato soup, ketchup…
I remember it so damn well. But after that trip, it just goes black.
[crowd chuckles]
On the tomato front.
[crowd chuckling]
Which means…
that before you…
stands…
Madeleine McCann.
[crowd laughter, cheering, applause]
I am Madeleine McCann!
-I think I look like her. -[crowd laughs]
I have stood in front of a mirror making the same face.
[crowd laughs loudly]
[Johanna] Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Ow, ow, ow!
[screaming] It's me goddamnit!
I've been saying it since last fall but the police haven't taken me in.
I can see there is something wrong with me.
Something's wrong but I don't know what.
I know what's wrong. I've got a mirror, don't worry about that. [chuckles]
But I've always… I was a strange kid.
The only thing I ever wanted was pet fish. That was all.
That was the only thing. It's worse than stick insects.
[crowd chuckles]
Who wants that? But I got three fish. I was so happy.
I gave them names and everything.
I bragged about them in school. I'd come into class and say…
"I've got pet fish."
[crowd chuckling]
"And we have dignity. Get lost."
[crowd laughter]
When I got home from school, my three pet fish were on the floor.
They had jumped out of the fish tank.
[crowd laughter]
But moms do as moms do… I mean, "Mom."
[crowd laughter]
We went and bought three new pet fish. "Who cares about those fish?"
I'm so happy. I brag in school.
Someone throws rocks at me, I can't remember.
I get home from school.
Same thing again. My three new fish are on the floor.
Six pet fish committed suicide.
[crowd chuckles]
Murders and psychopaths,
we know they systematically torture animals as kids
and make them want to die.
So, I've been standing outside the Hinseberg Prison for Women, shouting,
[screaming] "Let me in!"
"I am one of you."
[crowd chuckling]
I think I'm the next Arboga woman. Seriously.
The thing is, a friend of me got a fish for his 18th birthday.
He wasn't very popular.
[crowd chuckles]
He's not from Stockholm, so, he was going to visit his parents.
He asked me, "Johanna, could you please…
…be my fish sitter?"
-[inhales] -[crowd laughter]
He had no idea about my fish problems.
No idea. I wasn't going to tell him.
Fuck no. And really, it's not such a hard task.
"You just have to feed it. You don't need to be there."
"Trust me, I'll be there."
[crowd laughter]
So, I take sick leave for a week.
I sit there and watch the fish… I sit there and talk to the fish.
"Please don't jump, please don't jump, please…"
But the fish survived. It was the happiest day of my life.
I called my mom.
-[crowd cheering] -Oh, thank you.
Wow!
You set the bar pretty low for applause.
You don't give me much credit, do you?
I called my mom and said, "Mom, the fish survived."
"Maybe there's nothing wrong with me. It's doing great."
My mom said to me, "That's great to hear."
"But there's just one little thing that I need to tell you."
So, my mom told me,
"Your pet fish… They didn't commit suicide."
"It was the cat."
"So, you thought it was better to say it was suicide than to say it was the cat.
Are you stupid?" After that I hate all cats.
"No wonder the Palme murder is unsolved with people like you.
It was the fucking cat."
[crowd cheering]
I'm starting to sound crazy.
Either I'll end up behind bars or as a police officer.
Those are my options.
The Conservatives want 3,000 more police officers.
Oh no. We need 3,000 new police officers. Out with the old, in with the new.
Have you seen the police officers we have?
We have police officers who are on TikTok.
[crowd laughing, cheering]
[comic music plays]
This man roams our streets freely.
[crowd laughing, cheers]
When I first saw this, I was clinically dead.
But I thought, "It's just one video. He was on break and he was bored."
No, there's more.
-[dramatic music plays] -[crowd laughing]
Look at that face.
[crowd laughter]
How is he?
I'd rather have "Captain Skirt" come save me than this fucking idiot.
[crowd cheering, applause]
Imagine calling the police, and then this guy turns up.
[crowd laughter]
"I just need to make a TikTok first."
[crowd laughter]
"Savage Love" the guy to death. Perfect.
I love crime shows. I like "Beck." Do you like "Beck"?
-[loud crowd cheering] -Okay!
Yeah, I love "Beck." I watched it as a kid.
So, I love "Beck." I used to watch it with my dad.
It wasn't as if he put it on when I was two,
"Beck - The Girl in the Root Cellar."
[crowd laughter]
"Gunvald would be nice to fuck."
[crowd laughter]
I don't know what my real parents have showed me. But…
[crowd laughter]
All my friends watched Disney and shit like that. Not me.
I mean, I watched "Ariel".
[crowd cheers]
-I did. -[crowd cheers, claps]
I mean, I watched "Ariel" but only because I liked Ursula so much…
-[chuckles] -[crowd laughter]
She's the only character who realizes that Ariel is a bitch.
[crowd laughter]
She's got some go in her. For real.
[crowd laughter]
And I love Micke Persbrandt.
[crowd cheering]
-[Johanna] I do. -[crowd continues cheering]
He's my future husband. He is.
I know that and he knows it too.
I don't talk about anything else in interviews.
[crowd laughter]
He's got protected identity now, which is a shame.
And address. So, I can't go there.
I've loved him since I was a kid.
I remember once, in school, we had to draw our idols.
And my classmates drew people like Marcoolio or Michael Jackson.
[crowd laughter]
I drew Micke P.
I've never been so thorough in my entire life.
I've never been so careful. I sat there drawing carefully.
My teacher walked around looking at everybody's drawings.
E-Type and stuff like that.
Who the hell would draw E-Type?
-[chuckles] -[crowd laughter]
Likely idol.
My teacher walked up to me and said…
"Johanna,
what is this?"
I was like…
[crowd laughter]
"It's Micke P."
"Doesn't he look good naked?"
[loud crowd laughter]
-[chuckles] -[crowd cheering, applause]
It's not normal to draw Micke Persbrandt naked in second grade.
It's not. I wasn't normal.
I was fucking awful in school. I was worse than "Hyper-Adam".
[crowd laughter]
We all had a "Hyper-Adam" in our class. We all did.
I was worse than him. Get it?
I've thought about all the school subjects.
Like Home Economics. What the hell was that? Seriously.
You ate. That's all you did. I had a teacher called Lisbeth.
She wore Birkenstocks, used the cookbook as an accessory
and ran between the classrooms.
[crowd laughter]
And you could behave so badly in Home Economics without being told off.
I'd burn the scones. Lisbeth would say,
"Next time, just bake them for 10 minutes instead of 15."
[crowd laughter]
"Thanks."
[crowd laughter]
I'd break the stove. Lisbeth would say,
"Huh! You'll just have to call the repairman."
I'd burn down the whole goddamned classroom.
Lisbeth was excited when the firemen came.
[crowd laughter]
You could behave so badly without being told off.
But if you washed dishes under running water…
[crowd laughter, cheers, applause]
…all hell would be let loose!
The social services would be called in and you'd have to spend Christmas away.
[crowd laughter]
And I think because I was such a strange kid myself,
to some extent, I hate kids.
I hate kids. Period.
Er… Partly because I was a strange kid, but also because of my first stand-up gig.
My first stand-up gig was for the Young Allergics Association.
[crowd laughter]
It's social suicide, for sure.
[crowd laughter]
They were having a conference
and a friend of mine was asked if he could do stand-up.
"We're having a conference, ages 18 to 35.
We'd love to have someone do stand-up."
They asked him if he could do 40 minutes.
He said, "No, I've never done that."
"But a friend of mine would love to try. Maybe we could do 20 minutes each."
So, I said yes to this. May I add that this was in Orebro.
[crowd cheering]
A fucking shithole.
[crowd laughter, applause]
I write 20 minutes of material about
how much I hate people who are allergic.
We go there, I'm super pleased over my first gig.
As I walk in, I see 30 pairs of ten-year-old sized shoes.
I see them and think, "What the hell is going on?"
So, my friend had just done the Swedish Eurovision contest,
so, when I look up I see all the ten-year-olds come running at us…
"Move, fatso! What the hell is going on?"
[crowd laughter]
I panic because I've been duped.
We're at a camp for kids who don't have any friends.
Kids who say, "Are you allergic to flowers too?" That's where we're at.
[crowd laughter]
I think, "I've written 20 minutes about how much I hate these kids."
"I can't say this. I just can't."
But I did anyway.
[crowd laughter, cheers]
So, I get up on stage.
The first thing I say is that I think peanut allergies should die.
[crowd laughter]
Felix on front row starts crying.
[crowd laughter]
Then I say, "You know when you suck cock…"
-[screaming] "No!" -[crowd laughter]
"They don't, Johanna! They're ten years old. Are you stupid?"
Also, we had to stay there overnight.
[crowd laughter]
Imagine the atmosphere over breakfast. It wasn't great.
So, I'm not really fond of kids. Sue me.
Which isn't great, because my sister has two kids.
I thought one would have been enough.
But she decided to squeeze another one out.
Saying that, I like the new kid more.
[crowd laughter]
She's six months old. She doesn't talk. It's brilliant.
The other one is four. She doesn't get irony at all.
We just stand there looking at each other.
[crowd laughing]
"Move."
My sister was crazy when she was pregnant.
She swallowed all the pregnancy myths.
She'd come to me and say, "Johanna… Check out my pregnancy glow."
"Yes, you're sweating.
[crowd laughter]
You're dripping, I mean…"
"Look at my hair, it's so long and thick and shiny."
"It's greasy, Emelie.
[crowd laughter]
You haven't showered for nine months. What are you saying?"
"Look, my breasts are so big."
"You look like a milk cow."
[crowd laughter]
But now she wants to save the world. She wants to become the new Greta.
I mean, we all have dreams and goals, but there has to be some limit.
She's started talking about joining the donor register.
Are you in the donor register? Clap your hands.
-[crowd clapping] -There's a few of you.
I can see you looking away from me now… I am coming for you.
[crowd laughter]
How old are you… 23?
How long have you been in the donor register?
Three years. Why did you join?
You don't know?
[crowd laughter]
Perfect.
What did you say?
"You are supposed to."
Is that how you decide on everything? "You are supposed to."
It's a pretty big decision to let people carve you up.
Have you been kidnapped too? It's like we have.
[crowd laughter]
We're alike.
Is it mostly for the sake of your conscience?
So, what else have you signed up for?
WWF? Do you donate money every month?
No, you don't. [chuckling] I can tell.
[crowd laughter]
To Bianca Ingrosso perhaps.
[jokingly] CAIA?
[crowd laughter]
Incredible. Thanks.
[crowd cheering, applause]
Thanks! Good to have you with us. I'm not in the donor register.
I'll tell you why I'm not in the donor register.
Research shows that the person who receives your organ
might inherit needs and emotions from the donor.
And I refuse to expose someone to my organs. Seriously.
[crowd laughter]
Imagine getting my liver.
[crowd laughter]
You'd be screwed from the start.
Take someone else's. Take Jockiboi's.
[louder crowd laughing]
He's got every diagnosis that exists and drops his baby down the stairs…
[crowd laughter]
[crowd cheers, applause]
He won't be watching the show today. It's fine.
-He's out chasing ghosts or something. -[crowd laughter]
I won't expose anyone to my organs.
Partly because I've got so many weird thoughts.
No one else should have to think like me. Here's an example:
-Do you like seafood? -[crowd] Yes!
Of course. I love seafood.
But I think eating seafood is a bit like having anal sex.
Hello?
[crowd laughter]
I think it's quite a stretch from idea to action.
A lot of work…
for very little pleasure. I mean…
[crowd laughter]
-[chuckles] -[crowd cheering, applause]
Only women applauding.
[crowd laughter]
-"Exactly!" -[crowd laughs]
I'll be standing around in the evening and just…
"Can I be bothered tonight? Is it worth it?"
"And your hands smell so bad…"
[crowd laughter]
"You just want a wet wipe. A lemon-scented wet wipe."
If I could just have a lemon-scented wet wipe, I'd be up for it.
[crowd laughter]
Other thoughts that no one else should have, or it would be a danger for society.
People have amazing thoughts, but not me.
My matter of the heart is… the carrot…
inside
the carrot.
-[inhales] -[crowd laughter]
There is actually a carrot inside the carrot…
that is so fucking tasty! It's completely fucking insane.
[crowd cheering, applause]
You take a bite of the carrot,
and there's a tiny little stem.
It's insane.
It's so sweet. It's like a Kinder egg, for fuck's sake. It's the best concept.
The carrot inside the carrot is a bit like guys who are circumcised…
[crowd laughter]
-[laughing] -[louder crowd laughter]
…in that they've removed the bad part
but kept the good part.
[crowd laughter]
When you sleep with someone who's circumcised, you don't need to…
pull it out, clean it, remove the dirt…
-I mean, you don't need to do that. -[crowd laughter]
It's the best thing ever.
[crowd cheering]
I can't donate my organs. I was born in the 90s.
I take it there are more '90s children here.
-[loud crowd cheering] -That's right.
We '90s' children, we're so…
the worst… that was put on this planet.
We who were born in the 90s say, "I've got a French balcony."
And they're like, "It's a big window. Shut up."
[crowd laughter]
Children of the '90s think Malala is Simba's mom. That's where we're at.
[crowd laughter]
Children of the '90s' become influencers.
That's what we are.
We have influencers who call themselves entrepreneurs.
[crowd chuckling]
Let that sink in.
[crowd laughter]
They call themselves entrepreneurs when they make mobile phone covers
with Ideal of Sweden.
[crowd laughter]
Marble on every single one of them. Seriously.
What would you rather answer for, the Palme murder or a marble cover?
[crowd laughter]
To call yourself an entrepreneur when you make mobile phone covers
with Ideal of Sweden.
It's like saying that someone works for Foodora works with spinning.
[crowd laughter]
We have such high thoughts of ourselves.
I saw a show called "Catfish."
It's about people who've been together forever without ever meeting.
There was a '90s' child on the show. He'd had a girlfriend for ten years.
They were engaged but had never met.
Two guys came to help him find this person, and get them to meet.
They asked him, "Why haven't you met?"
He was like, "No, she's too busy."
[crowd laughing]
Spontaneous reaction… In ten years?
I'm sure you'd be able to find a little gap in the schedule?
They were like, "Okay. But have you spoken over the phone?"
He was like, "No, but I've heard her voice."
They were like, "What the hell is going on?"
In the end they say, "Show us who the girl is."
He says, "You won't believe me."
"It's Katy Perry." "Sure."
[crowd laughter]
Most likely to be with Katy Perry. Not.
We think so much of ourselves. If we're not influencers we'll do whatever else.
I met a guy at a party,
and somehow he started talking about himself.
[crowd laughing]
[crowd cheering, applause]
That never happens.
We started talking about work. I said, "I'm a comedian."
He said, "That's weird."
-I said, "Thanks." -[crowd chuckling]
So, I asked him what he did.
He said, "I do beatboxing."
[crowd laughter]
"I'm sorry? I didn't mean your hobby. What do you do for work?"
"Tsk. That is my job."
"Okay, you play drums with your mouth. That's what you do."
[crowd laughter]
He told me he sees an air coach once a week.
Because "breathing is important in the drop."
No one can hear the difference. Seriously.
He wanted to be the best in the world.
There are only two people doing it, it's not that hard. Go for it.
Then he told me he was releasing a demo.
"Would you like to hear it?"
[crowd laughter]
"Tsk. No."
[crowd laughter]
I didn't say that.
I said, "I haven't got any headphones. Sorry, dude."
Then he said, "I can do it live if you want."
[crowd laughter]
Right.
So, for three minutes,
I stood there hoping that he would have an asthma attack.
[crowd laughter]
How do you groove along to beatboxing?
I stood there thinking, "I'll have to sway a bit." I swayed a bit.
[crowd laughing]
Then I thought, "I'll raise an arm." I raised an arm.
[crowd laughter]
I thought, "I'm too quiet."
"I can't do a beat, but I have to do something." So I started going, "Yeah."
[crowd laughter]
"Uh-huh."
"Skrrt." Yeah, you know.
[loud crowd laughter]
I've never felt so white in my entire fucking life.
I've never grooved along to beatboxing.
It's like watching horseback riding.
What the hell are you supposed to say? "Nice jump." Don't ask me.
[crowd laughter]
It was like a hostage situation without a gun.
I felt like a cobra coming up from a bucket. Seriously.
Do you get it? You have a son.
-Hmm. [chuckles] -[crowd laughing]
One day he comes home, saying,
"Mom, all I want for my birthday is an air coach."
[crowd laughter]
"Do you know something, David?"
"I'll give you an air rifle so you can shoot yourself in the head."
[crowd laughter]
-[crowd cheering, applause] -[chuckling]
Tsk.
[crowd laughter]
But we had sex…
[loud crowd laughter]
…so, you know… Yeah.
[crowd cheering, applause]
Are these curtains red, would you say? Right…
I'm actually struggling to look you in the eye.
I'm a bit ashamed.
[crowd laughter]
But it went well. He followed me all the way home, which was nice.
We went inside and I locked the door.
Tsk. I said, "You're not going anywhere."
[crowd laughter]
"You can beatbox me to death for all I care."
[crowd laughter]
We were going to have sex and so, you know, there's the foreplay…
You're supposed to suck cock.
[crowd laughter]
There are things I enjoy more, just so you know…
[crowd laughter]
…but I'm just human, so I did it.
So, I got down on my knees…
I won't look anyone in the eye now, just so you know. I just won't.
[crowd laughing]
But I got down on my knees and started to prepare myself for
throwing up and not being able to breathe…
-[crowd chuckling] -getting whiplash injury.
[crowd laughter]
I was prepared for it all.
So I sat down and…
-[laughing] -[crowd laughter]
…"got to work" doesn't sound right.
[crowd laughter]
I got the party started. That's better. I got the party started.
[crowd laughter]
After a while, I suddenly feel a hand…
…on…
-…you bet, my… -[crowd laughter]
…head.
[crowd laughter]
And it starts to knead.
[crowd laughter]
I'm going like this and he's going like this. It's like a fucking tornado.
"What the fuck is going on?"
[crowd laughter]
I didn't dare to say, "Respect my body!"
I thought, "We're having such a good time down here."
So it just keeps going. After a while I've got the rhythm down.
Play "La Macarena." Let's fucking roll!
-[chuckles] -[crowd laughing]
[crowd cheering, applause]
But it made me dizzy, you know. I was like, "Where have I ended up?"
"Am I with my real parents?" I was having those kinds of thoughts…
[crowd laughter]
After a while I thought, "I need to know what's going on down here."
I realized that I was sat down there with my mouth full…
[crowd laughter]
…getting a hair massage.
[crowd laughter]
We're not in a fucking spa.
If I had jerked him off with my right hand
my left hand would have gotten a hand massage.
[crowd laughter]
If it was the "69," "Could I have some foot massage, please."
[crowd laughter]
This has marked me for life.
So, now when I go to the hairdresser and they start shampooing my hair…
[crowd laughter]
Afterwards, I found out that I had either chlamydia or a UTI.
[crowd chuckling]
As it turned out, I had both.
[crowd laughter]
I had to order a chlamydia test because I refuse to see a gynecologist.
I won't look her in the eye and tell her I've been partying. I refuse.
So, I ordered a chlamydia test and received it in a plain white envelope.
One chlamydia test and one condom.
No note.
What a bloody statement.
"Here you are, little hooker." It's really…
[crowd laughter]
But stupid as I am, I spilled the contents of the test tube.
So, I couldn't finish the test. I had to order a new one.
Same thing again… a plain white envelope, one chlamydia test and three condoms.
[crowd laughter]
Can you imagine how they must have fucking talked? Seriously.
Next time I'll get a dildo.
[crowd laughter]
With a note, "Stop sleeping around."
It's like selling Christmas magazines. The more you sell, the better the rewards.
-Ah. -[crowd chuckling]
Next time I will get a "Satisfy Pro." It will be great.
[crowd cheers]
The timing wasn't great.
Of course I don't know if the timing is ever great to get chlamydia.
It was so annoying because around that time I was going to Costa Rica
to learn how to surf.
[crowd chuckling]
Mm?
I had been really busy with work, I was really tired.
I needed to find the calm, find myself, and so on.
Tsk. It takes 34 hours to travel to Costa Rica.
The calm was gone already in London.
[crowd chuckling]
When I arrive, the girls are wearing shorts and tank tops.
They're having muesli for snacks.
"Perfect. I've got two minutes to lose 40 kg. This is going to be wonderful."
[crowd laughter]
The first thing they ask is, "Have you been surfing before?"
[crowd laughter]
"What the hell do you think? I look like a bowler. Are you stupid?"
[crowd laughter]
On the first day we wake up at 5.30a.m. to do yoga.
Yoga for me is sleeping,
lighting a candle and juggling mangoes.
We had to stand in downward dog, the plank with your bum in the air,
for 45 minutes, and breathe.
I can tell you I was gasping for air.
[crowd laughing]
There was a surf guarantee.
"A 100% chance that you'll learn how to surf."
written on the website and everything.
"100% chance that you'll learn how to surf."
Tsk. They've had to change it to 99%.
[crowd laughter]
Surfers are the worst people I've ever met.
They would get up in the morning… "Today, I took some green waves."
"And I took ecstasy. Shut up."
[crowd laughter]
It was horrible.
I went there to find myself. I didn't have a clue where I was.
[crowd chuckles]
When I got home, I was like, "What do I do now? Read the horoscopes?"
Anyone read the horoscopes in here? Clap your hands.
-[crowd cheers] -[clapping]
Yes, 3000 retards.
[crowd laughing]
Thanks for coming.
[crowd laughter]
I read the horoscopes too.
I'm with you, although I'm not sure you want to be in my category.
I love horoscopes. I love the idea that something good will happen at some point.
[woman in crowd whoops]
[crowd laughing]
Somebody just got sacked.
[crowd laughter]
I love horoscopes but not when they're about planets and shit.
I don't care. I want to know, one, does anyone fancy me?
Two, will I get rich?
Three, will my real parents ever find me?
That's the only thing I really want to know.
I went to a fortuneteller a few months ago.
I get there, and the first thing she tells me is, "Hold on,
I can see… you sitting in a house, all alone."
"Okay. Wonderful."
[crowd laughter]
"I've paid for an hour. This is going to be fun."
"No, no. You'll like it."
"I guess I haven't got a bloody choice, have I?"
[crowd laughter]
Then we got to the fun bit where I had to ask yes or no questions.
She could talk to the angels, or whatever she said.
How easy.
[crowd chuckling]
I'm not sure you can make a Wi-Fi call up there, but if she believes it, sure.
She said, "Ask a yes-or-no question and I'll answer it."
I took it seriously. "Okay, I'll ask questions that I really want answered."
So, I said, "Will I ever be a police officer?"
She got her tarot cards out. "Oh, are we playing Uno now?"
[crowd laughter]
She said, "I'm going to lay the cards out."
"If there are 13 cards, that means no."
"Less than 13 cards means yes."
"Okay, whatever. Go ahead. Do your thing."
She lays the cards out and goes, "Hmm."
"Yes. There are 13 cards…"
[crowd laughter]
"…so that means no."
"I saw you counting them! I'm not stupid!"
Then she says to me, "You're dating the wrong guys."
"Thanks, I know! I dated a guy who lived in a trailer. Please."
[crowd laughter]
It's true. I dated a guy who lived in a trailer.
This was when I lived in Vasteras, my hometown.
I was out in a bar. He came up to me and said,
"Wanna come back to my place?"
I thought, "I won't get that question again."
[crowd laughter]
"So, here's me saying yes to life."
[crowd laughter]
So, we get on a bus.
Number 309 towards Hoganas, never heard of the fucking place.
We travel for 20 minutes, 30 minutes… I say,
"If you invite someone back to your place, you have to live in the city.
You can't expect me to cross the border. I refuse to do that."
[crowd laughing]
So, we're on the bus. After 45 minutes, we reach a dirt road. It's dark.
He says, "We're getting off here."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Get off."
"Okay, great. I'm going to be kidnapped again. How wonderful."
[crowd laughter]
-[man in crowd] l love you! -Thanks.
That's probably him.
[crowd laughing, applause]
Thank you for coming.
[crowd cheering, applause]
So, we get off the bus. I realize there's no point
even trying to run away from him.
Do you know how fast I run?
[crowd laughter]
A trot is my fastest pace. Seriously.
It's pitch-black. We can't see anything.
He gets a flashlight out of his coat pocket.
He brought a flashlight to the bar!
[crowd laughing]
Sends off a red flag, if anything.
There we are like two blind people. "What's going on?"
We get to the trailer park.
He says, "This is where I live."
Okay…
"Maybe you could have said that before."
[crowd laughter]
But we continued seeing each other, weirdly enough.
But it was a bit hard telling my parents where he lived.
There was something about it… "I can't tell them, not yet."
One night, my parents asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm going to Felix' place."
"Felix, he lives in the countryside, right?"
"Sort of. It's a bit further out."
"Do you want a ride?"
"Hell, no! I'll take the bus towards Hoganas."
"I'm fine." "Does he live in a villa, or…?"
"Well, it's not really a villa… There's only one floor."
"Okay, a bungalow?" "Well, I wouldn't say that…"
[crowd chuckles]
"Okay, a row house?"
"There are definitely houses in a row, you could say that."
[crowd laughter]
"So, it's an apartment? Come on, what…?"
"It's an apartment on wheels, what can I say?"
[crowd laughter]
"You're dating a homeless person. Well done. Congratulations."
This guy had so many red flags. He also loved rosehip soup.
[crowd laughing]
Why not break up at that point? Seriously.
[crowd chuckling]
One evening, I was going to his place and he wrote to me,
"Johanna, could you…"
[exhales]
"…please buy some rosehip soup on the way?"
[crowd laughter]
"Of course my guy is getting rosehip soup!"
[crowd laughter]
I don't usually go to actual food stores unless I know where things are
because I can't find things.
The people working there are really engaged in us, who just want to shop.
But this was with such short notice
that I'm going in and I don't know where the soup is.
I haven't a fucking clue. Is it hot or cold?
Is it with dairy, or jelly?
I search like crazy, but I can't find it. Okay, I'll just have to ask.
I just have to ask.
I see a girl working in the store.
I go up to her and say, "Why, hello there."
I definitely didn't say that. Why would I say that?
I guess I said… "Hello." "Hi."
[crowd laughter]
And she said, "Hello." [chuckles]
[crowd laughing]
The conversation definitely wasn't this long.
[crowd laughter]
I said, "May I ask you a question?"
-[chuckles] -[crowd laughing]
She said, "Yes of course, ask me anything."
[crowd laughter]
Finally I said, "I was meaning to ask…"
[inhales]
"The rosehip soup, where is it? You don't need to follow me!"
And she… [in energetic voice] "Right! Let's go to the rosehip soup!"
[crowd laughing]
It's a walk of shame in the store.
"Why are you doing this?" They want to take me to Narnia.
Are you stupid? Just tell me which aisle it is! It's such a brag.
And I also hate going to Systembolaget.
It's horrible. I just want the booze to come to me. That's all I want.
[crowd chuckling]
But I was going to a dinner, probably with this bloody trailer guy.
[exhales] And when you turn 20,
[exhales] you need to bring flowers or wine or some crap like that.
I don't know anything about wine, but okay, I'll buy some.
I go to the wine shelf. I look at all the red wines and check the labels,
and which bottle is the most expensive. That's all I'm checking.
I'm looking at a bottle of wine and a lady comes up beside me.
She's like… "Hmm. I was just looking at that wine."
[crowd chuckles]
"Okay…"
"Do you know if it goes well with meat?"
I have no clue. I drink Red Bull and Vodka on the weekends.
[crowd laughter]
It's like Penny Parnevik asking her parents about birth control.
-[crowd laughing] -She's got fifteen million siblings.
I was single for quite a while.
Now, I've luckily found myself a guy, incredibly.
-[crowd cheering] -Oh, thank you.
[crowd cheers, applause]
He is gonna leave me soon but that's okay.
[crowd laughter]
I'll stay put.
I was single for a very long time.
I am really bad at dating. Do you have Tinder?
-[crowd cheers] -Not so many out of ten thousand.
[crowd chuckling]
If I find out later you have Tinder, I'll kill every single one of you.
[crowd laughter]
No one wants to admit it, and what I'm about to admit suddenly feels a lot worse.
[exhales] I had Tinder Gold.
[crowd laughing]
That was a sneer. I heard that.
[crowd laughter]
Tinder Gold lets you see who's liked you,
letting you choose. And you can go abroad.
In the app, not escorts.
[crowd laughter]
Tinder Gold costs 200 kronor a month.
It costs more than electricity.
[crowd laughter]
I could've saved three kids a month, according to UNICEF.
No, that's not for me.
[crowd laughter]
My reason for getting Tinder Gold was that I would save a lot of time.
Yeah right, saving time by swiping around in Australia.
[crowd laughter]
But when I started dating my current boyfriend I was crazy.
I get completely crazy when dating.
If he didn't reply for ten minutes,
I went bananas.
Completely bananas. I could be standing with a friend, and be like…
[crowd chucking]
"Okay."
[louder] "Okay!"
[even louder] "Okay, then!"
"It's over. That's the end of that. Oh well."
And my friend was like, "Here we fucking go again."
[crowd laughter]
And she was like, "Johanna, have you spoken today, or…?"
And I was like, "Yes, we've spoken."
"So, you're talking?" "No. We did, but we're not now, are we?"
"Okay, but if you have spoken today, you might know what he's doing."
"Yes."
"He's at a fucking funeral."
[crowd laughter]
"He's at a fucking funeral. Felicia's gone and died."
"And he's the first one there. He's bought flowers for her."
[crowd chuckling]
"Will he buy flowers for me? No. But for Felicia, yes."
"He's fucking her right now."
[crowd laughter]
"He's fucking her in the coffin. I just know it."
[crowd laughter, cheers]
And my friends were like… "Hmm."
"I think you would've known if he wanted to fuck corpses."
[crowd laughter]
"You never know."
"I would've fucked Micke dead or alive. It makes no difference to me."
[crowd laughing, cheering]
Thank you, you're all so nice.
[applause]
Before I met my boyfriend,
I've always wondered what it's like to have sex with someone who's got asthma.
[crowd laughter]
People always have asthma up until you have sex.
You've never heard anyone say, "I've got asthma,
so, I've got the inhaler with me."
You've never heard that.
I didn't know my boyfriend has asthma,
but when you're gonna have sex with someone you like,
you want it to be good.
I went all in. I shaved my entire body.
I moisturized. I ate pineapple for weeks.
[crowd cheers]
I ran to the pharmacy and found… Well, I didn't run.
[crowd laughter]
I walked, rather, to the pharmacy and found something called coochie deodorant.
[crowd laughter]
No it's not, it's called intimate spray. [chuckles]
I bought a few bottles.
I used the first one. "No, I'll take the second one too.
Might as well. I took the third one."
But what I didn't know was that people with asthma have…
[crowd laughter]
…difficulties with … scents…
[crowd laughter]
…and perfumes, and the like.
So, he…
[crowd laughing]
…went down on me,
[crowd laughter, cheers]
and I suddenly felt how he started to shake.
[crowd laughter]
Which was the greatest thing I've ever felt in my entire fucking life.
[crowd cheering, applause]
You know air pressure vibrators? I thought, "He's done a course."
[crowd chuckling]
"He's learned to do it with his mouth. Great for me."
So, I let him continue until he started coughing.
Which is also the most pleasurable experience of my life.
[crowd laughter]
Guys, if you haven't coughed in your girlfriend's pussy, go home and do that.
[crowd laughter]
Corona is the best thing that ever happened to me.
[crowd laughter]
The first Corona outburst, I was there in a heartbeat.
If someone's coughing on a bus, "You're coming home with me."
[crowd laughter]
Anders Tegnell, "Everyone needs to get vaccinated."
"Fucking misogynist."
[crowd giggling, laughing]
-[crowd cheering] -[chuckles]
[applause]
I also think I'm heterosexual because I've got a phobia.
[crowd chuckles]
-[chuckles] -[crowd laughing]
It's called trypophobia. It's a phobia where you have a fear of holes.
I hate holes.
It feels like things will be coming out of them.
Like the TikTok cop.
[crowd laughter]
It feels like if I went down on a girl and saw it, I would be like,
[screaming] "No!"
She could threaten me with her pussy.
[crowd laughter]
"If you don't take the trash out, you know what will happen."
[crowd chuckling]
I hate holes, all types of holes… small holes, big holes, medium holes.
I came home to my mother and sister to tell them.
It was a serious conversation. "Sit down. I've got something to tell you."
They were really worried. I said, "Okay. Um…
I've got trypophobia."
"And it's really difficult for me."
And my sister said, "Johanna."
"I've also got trypophobia."
"I think it runs in the family."
"Well, I'm from Portugal, so, I don't know about that."
Thank you! Thank you, Avicii Arena.
-Thank you for coming! -[crowd cheering, applause]
You're wonderful!
-[upbeat music plays] -[crowd cheers]
[Johanna] Thank you!
Thank you!
[soft music playing]
[singers] ♪ Uh uh-uh ♪
♪ Uh-uh ♪
[distorted sound effect]
[dramatic drum beat]
♪ [distorted] Uhh ♪
[distorted solo guitar plays]
-[crowd cheering] -[dramatic music builds up]
[gentle music playing]
[loud crowd cheering]
♪ Even through all the times I wasn't believing ♪
♪ And only I kept on dreaming ♪
♪ Now finally the fire I see it, I see it ♪
♪ 'Cause I've been Bleeding, needing, healing ♪
♪ Feeling so lost within ♪
♪ Trapped in a maze I'm in ♪
♪ I've been bleeding, needing, healing ♪
♪ Feeling so lost within ♪
♪ Trapped in a maze I'm in ♪
♪ Fall asleep standing on my feet ♪
♪ So I can run in this field ♪
♪ The dreams I keep inside of me They've never seen ♪
[singers] ♪ Just like a leaf ♪
-[Johanna] ♪ Oh, when it blows ♪ -[singers] ♪ Blows ♪
-♪ Through the storms and the cold ♪ -[singers] ♪ Cold ♪
-♪ Imma find my way home ♪ -[singers] ♪ Home ♪
♪ Even though nobody knows ♪
[singers] ♪ Nobody knows ♪
♪ Even through all the times I wasn't believed in ♪
♪ And only I kept on dreaming ♪
♪ Now finally the fire, I see it ♪
♪ I see it ♪
[crowd cheering]
♪ 'Cause I've been Bleeding, needing, healing ♪
♪ Feeling so lost within ♪
♪ Trapped in a maze I'm in ♪
♪ I've been bleeding, needing, healing ♪
♪ Feeling so lost within ♪
♪ Trapped in a maze I'm in ♪
-[all clapping in unison] -[soulful guitar solo begins]
-[singers] ♪ Ooh ♪ -[guitar solo continues]
[Johanna and singers] ♪ Oohh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ 'Cause I've been Bleeding, needing, healing ♪
♪ Feeling so lost within ♪
♪ Trapped in a maze I'm in ♪
♪ I've been bleeding, needing, healing ♪
♪ Feeling so lost within ♪
♪ Trapped in a maze I'm in ♪
[singers] ♪ So lost ♪
-[crowd cheering] -[singers] ♪ So lost ♪
♪ So lost ♪
-[music ends] -[crowd cheering, applause]