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ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS DEPICTED IN THIS FILM ARE ENTIRELY FICTITIOUS
Slow down! You're gonna kill us!
Drive!
What if the head office sends me to New York?
-I want to go to California. -You'll grit your teeth and get over it.
Los Angeles, in flip-flops to the office, straight from the beach.
Slow down, we still have an hour.
See, we're 45 minutes ahead of time.
KISS, KISS
That's gonna be the greatest deal of this company ever, if you wrap it up.
If?
Well, the Japs need to sign it.
This is just a formality. They'll sign it and I'll be the king of the world.
Remember that my parents are coming by at the weekend?
That's perfect.
I'll paint the town red with the guys. Won't be bothering you.
But they want to meet you.
-What do I tell them? -What do you mean?
"It's a pleasure to meet you, I shag your daughter."
Madzia, it's cool between us, sex is great and all that…
but we made no promises.
-Hi! -Welcome, welcome.
So that's the million bucks' worth concept?
You went up quickly, didn't you? They're really gonna make you a global.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch.
Once you're the boss for Poland, remember your old mates, okay?
Tomek!
Chill, all's going well.
I forgot my mobile. I'll be right back.
I'm coming.
I can't wait, too.
I'll call you back, all right?
Jesus Christ! Oranges!
I'm awfully sorry.
Pick them up and later I'll add Jell-O Fix and it's yummy.
-You also add Jell-O Fix? -Always.
-Excuse me! -No problem.
What?
God, Kasia, they're here.
-The Japanese? -Yup.
How come? Half an hour ahead of time?
-Do something, where the hell is Tomek?! -I'm calling.
We are honored.
Thank you for the invitation.
Beautiful day!
It's only just started.
I know it's gonna be beautiful anyway.
Are you a fortune teller?
Exactly! Give me your hand!
Come on, I'll read your palm.
This is the most important day in your life.
-And in mine, too. -Really?
Sure, we surely met for a reason.
This is destiny.
In a moment I'm going to sign the contract of my life.
Congratulations.
And I'll make three of your wishes come true.
-Oh, so now I have three wishes? -Yup.
So… disappear the way you came up.
No, stop it, don't waste your wishes like that.
-In this case I'd like… -No, wait, I'll tell you.
Wish a hundred more wishes.
You'll make them come true? It's legit?
-Yeah! -In this case, I'd like…
you to have a ticket.
Good morning.
Water, perhaps?
I'll find it, please continue your round.
Surprising, how rarely fare dodgers explain the lack of ticket
based on the dichotomy paradox…
Say, Zeno of Elea would prove the movement doesn't exist.
Ergo, the bus ain't moving, ergo, what's the fare for?
Here's where the shoe pinches. Got any ID?
Cheers!
We don't often use force, but would anything else work with you?
Gents, I've got an urgent meeting. I must answer that.
Good.
Sorry, this man is not coming. He doesn't give a fuck.
-No more trouble. -Are you fucked up?
-But why? -Let me go, you rag!
-You won't believe it. -I won't believe it.
I wouldn't believe it myself.
I don't give a shit if aliens abducted you,
an elderly nymphomaniac or scouts.
I wish they'd killed you.
Come on, you don't want me to work for another company.
-Out! -They're waiting…
Get out of here!
Before I scratch your eyes out!
Need a ride?
Madzia, thanks!
Chillax, the sooner you move out, the better.
How about your parents?
Yeah! Hey!
-Is that how you say hello? -I thought you were dead.
-Look at that sharp tongue. -We haven't spoken for ages.
Come on, bro, let me in, we won't be talking in the hall.
-You came to say good-bye? -Nice interior.
-Are you going somewhere? -Nope, just wanted to see you.
Look me in the eye and say that again.
-Listen, you won't believe it. -No, I won't believe it.
-But you'll be happy. -Oh yeah?
I lost my job, I lost my flat, I lost my car. Everything.
Great, why should I care. Rent something.
I'm totally broke.
What do you mean? You? You were raking it in!
Do you know the costs of living in this city?
Oh yes, I do.
I mean living like civilized people do.
So my hole is no good for you? Sir?
I dunno what you're looking for.
This is just an ordinary small flat.
Good bye.
Take it easy, chill.
Please, just one night.
Couch.
The couch is fine.
So, how about a banger?
-I got work to do. -Come on, work will be here tomorrow.
Oh look, your work won't.
Come on, you need to wind down.
We'll hit the booze, meet some stupid fly honeys.
I don't have such needs.
Fine.
But could you do me a favor?
I knew it, give him an inch and he'll take a mile.
Oh, it's just a small request.
Break into the city monitoring system, please, and find
the record from Domaniewska street in the morning.
I met this totally hot chick there.
But I'm not going to help you satisfy your basic instincts.
I'm not breaking in anywhere.
But this could be the special one.
I'm sure she is. I've heard it so many times.
I'm a collector.
Women are like flowers, blooming when I look at them and touch them.
And flowers, my dear, never look better than in a bouquet.
But what do you know, surrounded by cactuses.
So? Can you do it for me?
Man, get and log off.
God, your ass is so stiff.
I know Gauss, he's out of here tomorrow.
We'll manage somehow.
Hi Karolek.
Man, you know my skills.
And I just happen to be available.
Dude, after that last stunt you pulled, you're finished.
What happened at all? How could you fuck it up like that at the end?
Must be some cutielicious.
Didn't I say?
I knew this weakness'd drag you down.
Thank you.
Dude, got a ciggy?
I don't smoke.
5 zloty at least.
Whatever.
-Here, take it. -Really?
Enjoy.
Thanks, boss!
Excuse me!
Midas? Man, it's been ages.
Don Tomas.
Hi. How's it going?
Shitastic, like death warmed over.
Hey, ain't you got a job for me?
Listen, I don't film anymore.
I mean, not in Poland, too tight for me. I'm moving to Hollywood.
Spiffy.
Two shots. Gentlemen?
-Or four. -Or eight.
It's about a wedding.
You, King Midas, down to such potboiler?
You know, I had a small crash, DUI, which means that…
I see, Hollywood is fading away.
In a nutshell.
But they offered me a deal,
if I film that wedding, the DI will give me the passport back.
Yeah, but what do I do?
Listen, I shoot the wedding, ceremony and reception,
few cameras, crane, drone, jib, Tarantino-like dynamics,
and you'll shoot the making-of,
some gibble-gabble, behind the scenes talks.
I'm not sure if I'm good enough.
Tomek, you'll make a killing and meet important people.
Whose wedding is that?
Look at that! Minister Kosecki. Top shelf.
Indeed. The man pulling the strings over Poland.
So he's getting married?
No, come on. His son.
And this is the Honorable Mrs. Minister.
She rings some bells.
She was an actress when she was young, wooden performances.
She got that soon and married a politician.
Here's to her.
-Thanks. -Thanks.
Not going, no.
-Here you are. -Thanks a bunch.
-And good luck! -Thanks a lot.
-Good morning! -Oh, good morning!
I have this exhibit for you. From Bolivia.
Blossfildia liliputana.
-So beautiful. -Isn't it?
And ever so small.
She needs a lot of sun and tenderness.
I'll take care of that.
And she hates drafts.
Of course. And thanks for your advice.
And how is Stefan Banach and the other, with spikes in the spiral of Fi…?
-Filius Fibonacci! -Filius Fibonacci.
-Exquisite! And… -Oh yeah?
Mobius let a lateral shoot…
What do you say. It means it wants you to reproduce.
Proliferously, of course.
Of course.
-Bless you. -Thank you. I'm sorry.
-I can help if you want. -Help?
With reproduction.
Because you need to take hold of the pups and…
-And tear it off. -Tear it off?
170… I mean 17, no, 28.
No, I don't believe it. You have a crush on the flower girl.
It's so funny?
-You're allergic to flowers! -Not to cactuses!
No, it's not going to work.
I know all about it.
Unless I help you, but you help me.
Hacking is an offense. And I can't stand parasites.
Okay, I'll pay you for sleeping on that worn-out couch.
-Apparently you're skint. -True, but I've got a job.
And this is a job for two.
I don't understand why I should help you. I don't even like you.
We'll make a quick buck.
And, as your loving brother, I'll help you pick up this chick.
This chick up to pick.
Her name is Klara and I need no advice of yours.
You pathetic Casanova.
Well, get out of here.
Well, yes.
To wrap it up, I'll give you the last piece of advice, for free.
You should hit on her on neutral ground.
-Like where? -Outside the flower shop.
-No, I told you. -Let's practice!
You need to ask her different questions.
Women love being asked questions.
-About what? -Whatever.
You are Klara, I am you.
Ciao Klarissima.
How are you doing?
I'm sorry about the last time. I ran out and forgot to pay.
Fuck!
Ciao… Klarissima.
Did you hit yourself!
I mean, Miss Klara.
-Sorry it was so sudden and I didn't pay. -No, it's okay.
I just wanted to say, I was just thinking…
-Yes, Mister Janek? -I mean just, well…
-Well, I thought that… -What did you think, Mister Janek?
That we could just… you and me. I mean Miss and me.
Go.
And I need to go to the bank.
Can you walk me there?
How's your new purchase?
Leibniz?
An interesting name.
-Also to honor a dead mathematician? -Yes. I put him next to Skłodowska.
Did you know you could graft them together?
Graft? How?
You could make a hole in Skłodowska and put a little Leibniz inside.
Using what?
I mean we could do it together, in the flower shop, if you want, Mister.
I'd love to.
Perhaps we could be on first-name terms? Again. I'm Klara.
Rafał… Paweł… Janek…
Three times.
Perhaps we could go somewhere?
-You mean… together? -Yep.
-Where? -Well… everywhere.
For a coffee, for cream rolls.
Sorry.
-To the cinema, to the park… -This is not a good idea.
I know this is so quick, but this is simply the first time…
It's not about you, Janek.
It's about me.
I'm not the right girl for you.
I understand.
I'm sorry. I'm not going to bother you again. Miss.
The wedding is centrally in a week. I don't accept any changes.
But me and my brother are just shooting the making of.
And Midas is shooting the proper movie.
Midas. Whatever he touches… I'll tell him off.
Please, don't do it. This is all my fault.
One needs to fight for your luck, as in the cult movie Fight for Your Luck.
Have you seen Fight for Your Luck?
-This is my favorite movie ever. -But that was ages ago.
-I know all your movies by heart. -All of them. Two.
What you did in Jugs And Jugglers.
Polish cinema has never seen a star with your sex appeal.
You must appear on the screen again.
For us, for all Poles.
-But would camera love me again? -Definitely.
I was told once I was ready for Hollywood. But today it's…
You are gorgeous.
You are extraordinary. You are awesome.
Someone intelligent, finally.
-Tomasz? Is that your name? -Yes.
Call me Patsy.
Sign it and welcome on board.
What's that?
Confidentiality clause.
Whatever you see here is absolutely top secret.
If you spill the beans, my husband… you know who he is.
Exactly.
When he puts someone behind bars, I centrally feel sorry.
All right.
And you? Mute? Why aren't you saying anything?
He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, don't worry about him.
My daughter-in-law is coming. I mean my coming daughter-in-law is coming.
Excuse me. Hello?
Hello?
Hi!
Ola.
Tomek.
Cute name.
Generally, you are all so cute.
You're getting married?
Yeah. Precisely.
Condolences.
And what is that?
What are you doing?!
Hell, when I saw you on that bus.
What's going on at all. And you're standing here.
I wanted to see what'd happen.
Now you know.
Okay. I'm sorry.
Can we start again?
Fool.
Moron, schmuck and gull.
What are you laughing about?
That's exactly how great love stories begin.
So?
Let's get down to work.
Oh yeah, we're getting down to work.
I'm sorry, but are you going to pity yourself for a long time?
-Fight for her. Fight for your luck. -But she rejected me.
-Nonsense. I saw how she looked at you. -How?
-Like you look at her. -But she did say
that we are not compatible, that it's not a good idea.
Listen, you may be smart, but you are also as helpless as a baby.
It's all part of the game.
-What game? -Conquering game.
You're manly, she's not easy, a win-win situation.
Which means Ola slapped you to conquer you?
Figured out recklessly.
But she's getting married.
But discrimination against the married women would be very impolite.
-Ola's going to be mine anyway. -Yeah, pipe in the sky.
-Wanni bet? -Bet.
The menu centrally needs changing.
We have 30 seafood allergies, 40 peanut,
16 exotic fruit, 200 gluten and lactose allergies.
Add gold leaves. Nobody is allergic to gold.
-What about tableware? -Insurance company sent the bill.
Not bad.
Tableware, as Melania's, will be golden because people say I'm like Melania.
Melania could wash your dishes. Patsy, you are divine.
Attention!
What's that supposed to be? What a bad look.
-Where are the wigs? -They're coming.
-And tights? -Too!
Pull down. Shave. Smile.
No, better without a smile.
Position!
Turn right and… action.
Move it, move it, gentlemen. Keep the pace.
Posture, keep it straight, and remember about the distance, please.
So it's a fancy dress party, right?
You got to be kidding. This is just a rehearsal.
The reception will take place at the Royal Castle.
But this is obviously absolutely top secret.
So…
Our event will relate to the greatness of the Nobles' Republic.
Kuba Wojewódzki will host the reception and take care of the atmosphere.
Ed Sheeran, Beyonce and Zenek Martyniuk will provide the music.
Take that rug away.
At midnight hundreds of fireworks will illuminate the sky over Warsaw.
Wow!
The Chairman himself will arrive centrally and the President with the First Lady,
Government ministers, loads of foreign VIPs, 1000 guests.
But it's going to cost a fortune.
My husband has a dedicated fund from the Crisis Shield.
Poland has never seen an event like our Little Prince's wedding.
But this is obviously absolutely…
…Top secret.
The son's wedding on Saturday, and husband's election on Sunday.
Neatly planned, isn't it?
Fuck! Are you out of your fucking mind? MP, Paweł Zgrabny
-with Senator Zuzanna Pizana at one table? -I'm sorry, changing it right now.
There will be a bloodshed, centrally. Don't film this. Not this.
And the balloons? Where the hell are the balloons?
The Great Hall is ornamented by Bacciarelli's plafond…
it's a masterpiece.
-Balloons… -Balloons will be better, right?
-Alexandra!? -What?
Yes, balloons will be better.
It's Kris. Hello, love?
Yes, I miss you, too. Everything under control.
I'm trying but she's driving me mad.
Mrs. Patsy, visualization.
Yeah, better with balloons. Hello, are you filming it, Tomek?
Yes.
This mechanism has to work better, it needs to be improved.
-But the balloons are generally great. -Sure thing.
-Are you filming it? -Yes, ready now. Can we?
All right, tell me something about your future daughter-in-law.
I hope Aleksandra will be a good wife for my son.
After all, he chose her.
Krystian's always had a good taste, centrally luxurious.
Already as a church server… Excuse me!
Hello? How come it didn't arrive?
Wait a moment, she didn't say much about you.
-Could you tell us more? -No.
Come on, please. Don't put me to trouble. Whatever. About your family. I don't know.
I'm an orphan, brought up by my grandmother.
-That's it? -Yes.
Right. How many guests at this "centrally" big wedding will be yours?
Well, granny and two bridesmaids.
Only three people? Out of a thousand?
Could you look into the camera?
I'd like to know more about you.
Say something about you.
I looked for you on Facebook, Insta and you're not there.
-Are you a spy or what? -I study.
Okay. What?
Romance studies.
-Which year are you in? -Working on my MA thesis.
-What's the topic? -About courtly love.
About courtly love?
Courtly love is the archetype of what we call now passionate love.
Crazy, against all odds and all people. But you can't even imagine that.
Do you really know what real passion is?
Okay, tell me more, give me a fragment of something.
"My lords, if you would hear a high tale of love and of death…"
-Oh! Tristan and Iseult! -Have you read it?
"How to their full joy, but to their sorrow also…"
"They loved each other, and how at last they died together upon one day…"
"She by him and he by her. Amour et Mort."
-I'm sorry, which means what? -Love and death.
Okay. Don't you have something to edit?
-What? -Go check the footage.
-Amour et Mort. -Amour et Mort.
All right, love and death. What then?
It means that only love threatened by death is really touching.
Love playing with risk, love on the edge,
love neglecting all the rules.
Help me, you moron.
Well?!
How come they ordered earlier? My flowers?
I don't care about some First Holy Mass.
Whose son?
Ah, I get it.
Lilies would look better in the cathedral, right?
Camelias are mine and you must fucking bring them right here, right now.
I'm ready to do things the easy way, but centrally, when my blood boils…
-I know a great flower shop. Low prices. -Low prices…
Alexandra, are you okay? You're blushing like that.
Take some pills, don't damage the wedding through some virus.
-What are you doing? -It just happened like that.
What, you lovely mother-in-law gave you a hard time?
Yeah, yelling at everyone. She moves me around like furniture.
She wanted to operate my nose, but I might not heal in time.
-What does Kris say? -Still in Dubai.
He should support you.
He sees how much his mum cares.
She's so persistent as she's paying for everything.
But I bought the wedding gown!
Take a sip, my child.
The only thing I won is the ceremony.
Quiet, modest, normal.
Ola, what's wrong with you!?
You should be flying of happiness.
And you keep worrying. You look miserable.
Some people react to love this way.
Nonsense. When I was getting married…
Granny, your marriage was not a model relationship.
Which one? With Stefan?
-Weren't we crazy? -I don't wanna listen to that.
We left the bed only when we were starving.
All other time, it was whirring. Whirring!
But now the most important thing is that you can be happy at last.
I am happy. Kris makes all my wishes come true.
-Is it whirring? -What?
Butt. I'm asking if it's whirring.
Listen, this courtly love is really cool.
They kept playing triangles.
The lady is cheating on her man with a sexy knight, that's more like it.
Why didn't they teach us that at school?
You know, you just boil everything down to one thing.
Trivialize everything.
Listen, I know you don't need my advice, but… perhaps?
That's good, for Halloween.
Nope.
Oh!
Listen, this looks really fine.
Just don't slouch, the posture matters, attitude.
What attitude?
Take things easy, be confident.
She must be aware that you deal the cards.
I don't deal any cards.
Sometimes I really think you're a bit thick.
Body language, use it. Send vibrations, fluids.
-Yeah. -Chicks like it.
Well, I'm proud of you.
Now you can have bunches of them.
I told you I don't need bunches of anything.
I love Klara and I don't want to cheat on her.
I don't want you to cheat on her but make her a bit jealous.
This is a powerful aphrodisiac, man.
Appreciate that, priceless knowledge, and you get it for free.
How many times have I told you I don't need your stupid advice.
Well? Spit it out.
-Thank you. -Come again.
-Good morning. -I'm sorry, I need to go out for a while.
Good morning!
Ah, it's you. I mean… it's you, mister.
It's me.
And you look, mister you look, a bit differently.
A small metamorphosis.
Like you played in Hollywood. With Brad Pitt, Leonardo, or something.
Are you having a laugh? I mean, miss.
No, I'd never, ever laugh at you, at mister.
Sorry for the last time.
We could always be friends. Again.
-Janek. -Klara.
Janek.
What do you think of the global situation?
Of what?
Of the global situation.
-In Africa or the Middle East? -And generally?
-I am generally worried. -About what?
-Generally. -Okay.
-And specifically? -Specifically, well…
climate crisis, global crisis, deforestation of the Amazon rainforest…
…terrorism, pandemic, children starving in Africa.
-How about Ethiopia? -In Ethiopia, too.
Well, you can't be bothered with all the problems of the world.
Or you can?
Honey Bunny, you're here? Where have you been?
Don't you look gorgeous. How smart, I missed you.
What are you doing?
-Come on, that's me! -Leave me alone. Lunatic. Klara!
Hello, hello, excuse me. Is that man harassing you?
-What? She's molesting me. -No…
Quiet! Do you want us to calm him down?
This is just a small argument of lovers. Isn't it, Honey Bunny?
Of who?
Out!
What's up?
You hired this lunatic to scorn and humiliate me.
What's going on?
Klara, she ran away. She cried.
-Cried? -I guess.
Good. It means… you are important to her.
You're fucked up in your brain.
-Take it easy. That was the plan. -What plan?
Those in love have always had to overcome adversities.
Those guys. Hamlet and Ophelia, Romeo and Juliet…
To reach the happy ending, it's necessary to make an effort.
Happy ending? They die, you moron!
Trust me.
-And this is my project. Beautiful? -Beautiful.
-I need to go home. -Out of question.
I really do.
Alexandra, do I demand too much?
All I need is a bit of support. That's it.
I didn't want such a wedding, just a modest…
Modest. What will people say? And opposition?
That my husband fails to respect fundamental values.
-Girls dream of a fairy-tale wedding. -Can I explain?
Now I am talking and you… don't forget you're entering the family.
Our FA-MI-LY. Our position is a commitment.
-My husband will be the president soon. -Super. Excuse me! Sorry.
What are you waiting for? Bring her back here.
And what are you waiting for? Recording the cake?
Okay. Let's start again.
Wait.
You can't drive like that. I'll drive.
-How is the contract of your life? -They weren't worth it.
You know, I finished this Tristan and Iseult.
Finished? Any thoughts?
Well, you know, quite a story. She's marrying that king…
…falling for Tristan and like that till they die.
I know this by heart. I don't need the story.
-Any takeaways? -Well, your life was pretty fugged up.
I mean you, ladies.
Forced to marry for financial reasons.
You think a poor orphan caught a prince?
Attracted by his wealth and status?
No, I'm just recommending myself as Tristan. If you had some dragons to chase.
Thanks, won't be necessary.
But generally a cool option, huh?
-You're getting married, losing virginity with the husband…
and then just do it with others. -You're disgusting.
-No, it's the book. -Just stop making a fool of yourself.
Granny, are you okay? Mr. Bronek called that he called and you don't.
Bronek? He's hysterical. And stubborn as a mule. Doesn't want to see the doctor.
I broke up with him.
-Good morning. -Good morning.
It's Tomek. He's shooting the making-of.
-What does that mean? -It's a movie about making a movie.
Thanks, you can go now.
Ola, prepare the tea, please.
And you, sonny boy, fetch the cake and plates.
And then the mother-in-law said saving would "centrally" decrease their prestige.
I hope it will centrally go down.
Nice boy.
Can you see any faults in yourself?
Pity you need to go now, Tomek. It was a pleasure.
Loads of them: gluttony, lack of good manners, excuse me.
Laziness, recklessness, unreliability, flash in the pan, weakness for women.
I'm unstable in my feelings, there's the entire alphabet.
Spitting image of your late grandad, Ola… rascal.
-But I believe in love. -Like what?
Granny, don't listen to him.
I believe that love can change a person.
When we love we become better.
And the world around us becomes better.
Child, write it down. Poetry.
One more piece?
I'll take it, I don't think you'll have it, will you?
Yummy!
Geez, I'm awfully sorry.
-Hello? -Where are you? Patsy's at her wits' end.
Rascal, but he's got kind eyes.
-What do you mean? -The way he's looking at you.
-Like what? -Like that! It's whirring!
-Granny! -Granny. Whirring, whirring.
-Thief! -Stay here!
-It's you? -Who else?
-How could you, come on, how? -Destiny needs a push.
-You're a thief. -Then snitch on me.
-Why didn't you warn me? -I wanted you to act naturally.
And you did. Take it.
-What's going on in here? It's him! -Officers, what are you doing?
-It's not me! -Very good!
Officers, it's not him! No!
It's not him, not him! Telling you it's not him!
My goodness. Hurts a lot?
-Hurts a lot? -Nothing.
Can I?
-I like you a lot, you know? -I like you, too. That's why we can't.
-That's why? -Yes. I don't want to be guilty.
-But what are you… -I am ill-fated.
Each man I…
The first died on motorbike, second got lost in Asia.
Third had a successful business, which suddenly went bust.
That's why I'm wearing these bags, these overalls,
not to be visible at all.
Because I'm afraid I bring bad luck.
Good.
-I don't want to rush things. -I understand…
Good, the asymptote can wait.
It can wait. We'll do it once you're ready.
Thank you.
You are so…
So… so… catty.
Stop moaning!
I forgot my keys.
I see you're in a good mood.
No, I don't believe it, really?
Did your stamen reach her flower bud?
-You're pathetic. -But I was right.
Shared trauma gets people closer.
-That was awfully staged. -But you had no idea.
Now I do and that's it. I'm through filming, too.
Thanks to me, you have reached your flower in a couple of days.
Don't stand me up now.
But Ola is too nice for you, and you're just trying to ruin her life for fun.
I won't allow that.
We had a deal. You promised to help me.
-To get rid of you! -No, you can't leave me like that.
Says who? The king of escape.
-But what's your point? -You know very well.
Mum was dying, and you?
I was studying.
Studying? You call that studying?
Parties, chicks, that was your life.
Not true.
-You can't leave me like that. -Yes, I can.
-No. -Yes.
-No! -Yes!
No!
Do you know who I am?
Smyra.
-Mr. Smyra, the greatest Polish… -…Polish mafioso.
Nonsense. Georges.
Georges is a lame pickpocket, but he's capable of Savoy cooking.
Please, sit down. Georges, what have you made today?
Relax, Mr. Smyra, it's gonna be tasty. Homard grillé au béarnais.
Lobster for breakfast, delicious.
Take a hand each. And bon appetit.
Let's get to the point. I was supposed to get out on bail soon.
And I would, but Kosecki is conducting another investigation.
Interesting story, but what do we care?
Well, I'm sitting here, but my eyes and ears are everywhere.
-And what can you see? -You.
-Me? -Casanova from Villanova.
-And how things are. -And how are the things?
Bad!
If in two days young Kosecki is not married, I am what?
-Fu…? -Fugged up.
Fugged up! And then you are what? Fu…?
…gged up.
Fugged up, worse than turkeys for Thanksgiving.
-At first I'll hurt those you care for. -But we are orphans.
-How about the flower girl? -But these are just cactuses…
Wait a second, just a second. I don't get it.
-Once again, slowly. -What is the word Kosecki
-uses all the time? -Death penalty. He's obsessed with it.
Death penalty is right behind it. In the first place is…
family.
When I get to his family, he'll have to sweep my case under the carpet.
Get it?
-Ola has my blood. -How come Kosecki didn't screen it?
He did, but I cleaned the records long before.
So the wedding of Ola and young Kosecki is staged?
You think I'm a bastard trading happiness of my own kid?
No, I don't think so. Making-of is over?
Quite the contrary. Finish your job. This is going to be quite a souvenir.
Get stuffed.
Have you dumped many girls?
A few. They are now definitely happier than then. Why do you ask?
For the first time in my life I'd love to be the rascal you are.
Casanova from Villanova.
-Hi Babe. -Hi!
What's up.
Are you coming in?
No…
Got a date with one of them downtown.
Sorry, I'm through with you.
-Are you high or what? -What? No, I'm going to, you know…
It's not about you, don't look like that, it's about me. I need more freedom.
Well, you know it was cool between us, coco jumbo and all that, but…
… we never promised anything, yeah?
Please, just don't cry, okay?
Coco jumbo and all that. I don't understand.
-Yesterday you liked me. And today? -Today is today. C'est la vie, babe.
Everything ends, yeah? So, see ya around.
Could you sign here, please, and let's get going.
-What's that? -It's an annex. Final cut is our job.
Well, yes.
Kris, can I ask you to clap your hands to the mic for synchronizing?
-Me? -Yes.
One sec. Please.
Oh, sorry, once again.
Okay. When did you meet?
About a year ago.
A year, 2 months, 5 days and 8 hours ago.
That was love at the first sight.
Oh, incredible, I thought that only happens in the movies.
Apparently, life writes the best scenarios.
And where did you meet?
At the wedding. Ola's friend, my buddy. At the wedding, get it? That was a sign.
What sign?
From above, we were destined to be together.
Wow, how amazingly romantic. And how do you see that, Ola?
The same.
You're so lucky, Kris, you didn't even have to fight for her.
And what do you think of the institution of marriage?
Obviously, marriage is a religious bond between a man and woman…
…being a sacramental expression of their love.
-Ola, what about you? -A romantic voyage into the unknown.
Oh! Voyage, well said. Like voyages of Columbus.
-Precisely. -Yes.
You are Columbus, and I am America you are trying to rob.
Sorry, that's not what…
Am I wrong, or are these questions just stupid?
-Viewers will be curious. -Excuse me, what viewers?
Like their kids.
They'll be happy to see, how their parents started.
By the way, kids, of course, you're planning to have kids, yeah?
You have sex without protection?
You are very coarse. I don't like it.
-Let's end it. -We're done.
-Final question.
Hit it.
We know how you started. But where was your first time?
-Premarital sex is a sin. -Yes.
So you have never?
Yes, we have never.
-Finished? -Yeah!
The Minister is here.
-Your speech, sir. -For the Parliament?
No, this one is for the wedding of Kris.
Honey, these are the movie people.
-Take it. Please take… -Just a quick question first.
What are your hopes regarding the marriage of your son?
Marriage. We should first define what it is.
This is a religiously sanctioned bond between a man and woman.
And obviously, the family foundation. And family is the repository…
-You've got here some fiber here, sir. -You could've told me before.
Please, check this. You can see that, can't you?
All's good, calm down.
I'm sorry, Minister.
Marriage is the foundation of family, and family is the repository
of sacred values and traditions…
which our ancestors fought for, so we could be free…
and procreate to the benefit of our most beloved motherland.
Therefore, the priority of my presidency will be pro-family policies.
Okay, then.
At 5 p.m. our honorable guests are welcomed…
Swiftlier!
Merci de nous honorer de votre presence.
Grazie per onorarci con la tua presenza.
Ma'am, all's perfect!
Okay, talk to me. Let's go further.
Right, sit down, ladies and gentlemen.
Now at 18:03. The bridegroom's father speech.
There's this key sentence, I believe…
Okay, it's gonna be beautiful and moving.
We're all centrally crying.
Crying, yeah! Crying.
Harder!
-Did I say anything funny? -No.
-What's so funny? -Nothing.
-You've been very absent-minded recently. -I'm sorry.
Okay, the Minister has finished.
And now… applause. Come on, is that applause?
Standing ovation. Ovation.
President Kosecki! President!
Ko-sec-ki, president!
Thank you, thank you very much.
I swear that I will be the redoubt of defense of true Polish family.
We won't allow our enemies to undermine Poland.
-Our traditional values. -Don't be a fool, it's just a rehearsal.
-What? -It's just a rehearsal.
Where are you going?
We're going to practice wedding games.
-But I have the government meeting. -Fuck the government!
When people see in the net, you're one of them, your polls will go up.
-If you say so, hun. -You entangled my hair.
Stop. It can't be like that.
What's your problem?
We are here, in our Polish home.
We're not going to dance when they play music in foreign languages.
There you go!
Kosecki for the president!
-He did it again! -As if it was the president's chair.
President Ko-sec-ki!
One, two. And now the most moving moment of this evening.
The newly married couple, Krystian and Aleksandra.
Unfortunately, Krystian is not here. He's multiplying GDP. Tomasz?
-Could you replace him? -Me?
-May I ask you? -I'm surely not as good as he is.
Of course you're not. But it's just a rehearsal.
All right. Take it.
-And? -And nothing, just stand there.
Well, you're asking for trouble.
-Do you have to butter her up? -Are you jealous or what?
-Does that make you happy? -What?
-Being an asshole. -Nobody is a better asshole than me.
Come on, you'll warm up before the bachelorette party.
What's that?
Stop it. Turn it off! Turn it off now!
Pause! Centrally, pause!
You saw nothing.
Forget about it immediately.
Your mother-in-law is stalking on me.
Well, I guess I've just lost my job.
-What would you like to drink? -Thank you.
-I need to edit the footage. -Could you undo my dress first?
I need to lay down, and I don't want to crease it.
-I could call someone. -To undo my dress?
Well, okay.
Thank you.
See, I don't bite.
-Where are you going? -You said you were tired.
-I don't wanna disturb you. -Could I ask for one more thing?
-What for? -Massage my neck.
I feel so tense.
-But I… I'm not a massage guy. -Listen, what's your problem?
It's just a small request.
You don't think I'm trying to hook you up, do you?
-Well, no. -I wouldn't do it to my husband.
Anyway, he'd have you castrated.
To begin with, cause later…
Thank you. You should do that for a living.
Can you mix up one more for me, please?
Fuck.
-Patsy, come on… -You said you've been dreaming of it.
-Well, yes. -Did you lie?
-No. -To get this job.
-No… -Of course, you didn't.
-Do you desire me? -Yes.
-I see it in your eyes. -Well, yes.
-Are you afraid you won't manage? -No.
I promise to be understanding.
And what will you husband say? He's gonna castrate me.
He gives no shit.
He gets a hard-on only when he thinks about presidency.
Divine Patsy will make all your dreams come true.
I'll show you tricks, babe, you can't even imagine.
Yes, Mr. Chairman?
No problem, Mr. Chairman.
I shit all over these law professors.
There's a man, there's a law against him.
Always at your command, Mr. Chairman.
Moron.
-Me first. Yes. -Yes.
I'll burn your desire.
Where are you going? Where are you going, babe?
I'll burn your passion.
My wife, where is she? Her place?
No habla Polish?
Fucking immigrants!
I'm burning… burning? Fire!
Bitter!
-Toast. To Ola! -Yes, to Ola!
Listen I thought we have to give her something old, for luck.
-Absolutely! Some necklace… -Necklace… goes well with the dress?
Or a ring.
It's gonna look great, and fit as well.
-Oh! Speak of the devil. -Just don't spill the beans.
-Hey! -Hi girls. Start without me.
Sorry, granny's not very well, but you two have fun. All's paid.
-Ola, what happened? -Nothing.
Why did you come here?
Go back to the boys and never mention that again.
-Mum, but I like her. I really like her. -Son, we can't roll back now.
No! I can't do it to her. Don't you get that?
Don't be a sissy! Don't forget what's at stake.
In three days your father will be the president.
-Oh! You are here. Come in. Is everything okay?
-Yes, but… -But Ola called…
Ola's not at her best. It's her bachelorette party.
And she's alone.
Help her, please.
I'm going to Bronek. See ya!
Go! My Lord, go now!
Are you crying?
I'm not crying.
I didn't invite you here at all.
-Why are you marrying him? -Just because!
He gives me the sense of safety and accepts me the way I am.
-That's it. -It's not enough?
You forgot the most important.
That you love him.
It's obvious, I guess.
Go away now.
So? It's over?
You see, everything is over at one point.
Is that the end of this great, passionate romance?
What did you think, hey?
That you'd leave this asshole and fall for me.
Nope. Go away now.
-Argentinian rebutia you ordered. -Thank you.
-You're not living alone? -With my brother.
-I'd no idea you have a brother. -Cause it's like I didn't.
We were never compatible.
-I don't believe you. -No, really.
-He's totally different. -I don't believe what you said last time.
I just want to understand. Tell me the truth, please.
Because I am an ordained priest.
-Oh, that's not a big deal. -No!
I mean it's impossible, dishonest.
Sure.
I'd better go now.
-I'll walk you. -No, please don't.
Ordained priest? You…
Hey, kitty, where are you going?
A hottie like that shouldn't be at night alone.
Don't say you're afraid of us. Look how fine boys we are.
-How about a triangle? -I'll give you a triangle, you boor!
Leave her alone. Unless you want to face me.
Help!
Okay, he's down, let's get out of here.
Are you alive? My God. Hurts a lot?
You scared me.
-Who are you? -It's me, Klara, don't you recognize me?
-I do. Where are those guys? -They ran away as quickly as they could.
It means I didn't quite whip them out.
But you know, for one second, my whole life flashed before my eyes.
Your whole life flashed before eyes. You're not very well.
No, but it happens. The dilatation of time, space-time warp.
-In the theory of relativity… -I don't understand anything.
I understood, that's important.
What's happening here?
It's them?
-Public sex? -There's a law against it.
-We know you. -We have met.
Oh, it's them again.
-We are fugged up. -Kosecki is going to kill us.
-Not to mention your father. -How do you know?
Listen, I haven't seen him for 12 years. We've moved three times.
-I don't wanna have anything in common. -Easy. I believe you.
Listen to me.
Pack your stuff, I'm back in three hours and we're outta here.
-They're gonna get us. -I won't let them hurt you.
-Good morning. -Good morning.
I'm sorry, I have to go.
I'm sorry.
What's so funny? Well?
-No, nothing. -What?
Your shiner, but you look good with it.
I'm sorry. That was my first time, I've never before…
…ouch… fought with anybody.
And you were trying to protect me.
My chivalrous knight.
No need to be afraid.
You'll be free after the wedding.
-When I look at you, I see myself. -Oh yeah?
-What do we have in common? -More than you think.
I used to look… different.
Great job. Great marriage.
Until my Zuzia went to bed with her boss.
I kicked her out and started to drink.
Planned to kill them both.
But the more I wanted, the more I drank, and couldn't come to grips with myself.
-And what happened then? -Time went by.
I lived like a bum for nine years. Down in a hole. I stank.
One day my buddy took me for a job,
to renovate this house.
-We're going, and who's there? -Zuzia.
My Zuzia.
She looked more beautiful than ever. I thought my heart'd break into pieces.
-Did she recognize you? -Who's looking at the proles?
Her husband talked to us. Anyway, the same loser she cheated on me with.
-And what, you took revenge? -Well, not really. I started crying.
She was blooming. Kids.
Great house. Wealthy life.
I felt so grateful that punk didn't waste her.
Any punch line?
-Leave Ola alone. -Why?
I checked who you are. You are a screw and broke ass.
-What can you give her? -Love.
Love? You have no idea what love is.
Love is not making out.
It's not taking, but giving.
Sometimes I go there.
Sit in the car and look at Zuzia.
And I cry. For the great love and joy, I didn't fuck up her life.
Good morning.
I'll marry him. I promise.
You're so beautiful.
I begot an angel. The living image of your mum.
How dare you talk about her? You ruined her life. As well as mine.
You're ashamed of me and you're right, but this was my job.
You were a great dad between your secret missions.
Anyway, I don't believe in any secret missions.
-When I was 11 you disappeared for good. -But I always cared for you.
Oh yeah?
Remember the bully downstairs? Who ended up in hospital.
And the bastard who was harassing you?
The professor who didn't want to give you a credit for culture studies,
if you were not nice to him. Remember?
I never asked you for anything, but now I do. Let Tomek go.
-What? -I have an offer for Mr. Smyra.
Stay here, you too.
-What did you give him? -You'll see.
Moment. Not my phone.
-Eye? -Fell off the horse.
-What horse? -White.
When in shining armor I hurried to help Klara.
Unbelievable.
-I'm sorry. -What for?
For dragging you in all that.
And that I didn't help with mum.
Give me a break. You studied.
-No. I was afraid. -Of what?
To see her fade away.
It was irritating, but you were always the apple of her eye.
Get lost.
You have Mr. Smyra's blessing.
Slow down. Can you slow down?
-How did you track me down? -GPS.
But you don't even cross the road on red light.
But you're my brother. And we had a bet. You won.
And I'm an asshole. I don't deserve Ola.
That's true. But they deserve even less.
I have evidence in my phone.
Royal Castle in Warsaw. Old berth of the Piast dynasty,
destroyed so often by invaders from current European Union
is going to witness joyful modern history.
This is the family of the real Polish patriot, minister Kosecki.
You can't see her.
-It brings bad luck. -Mum…
Let's get inside. Don't "mum" me. Let's get inside.
Ignacy.
What's happening?
Please, don't panic.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Ola, aren't you sure?
Granny…
Look out!
There! That way!
Faster, girls. The schedule is centrally down.
-Are you okay? -No. No, but…
You changed your mind?
-No, I need to tell you something. -You don't need to.
But we need to trust each other. We can't have any secrets between us.
-Everyone has some. -Do you have, too?
-Of course. -Great.
-What again? -I can't move!
It's a bad omen, bad luck.
You want a punch in the nose?
-Snickers! -Yeah!
Borrowed clothes bring good luck. Balances the bad luck.
Move it.
-Got signal? -Yep, but nobody answers.
-Call again. Keep calling. -I am calling.
-No answer. -Call again.
I'm calling. Can't you see?
-Perhaps it's started? -Over my dead body!
This wedding is on the day of symbolic anniversary of the baptism of Poland
and the last pilgrimage of the Polish Pole to his motherland
will be visited by the country's most important people.
The Chief of State with the cat.
Episcopate, government and richest CEOs of state-owned enterprises,
as well as the bride and the groom.
Are you going to give up? You?
You giving up? Man!
You are Tristan in the shiny armor.
Can't you see my Bucephalus has just kicked the bucket.
And that is going to stop you?
With me in the studio is sister Salomea,
a consultant of traditional Polish weddings.
Good afternoon, Sister.
During the wedding of the year, as the Kosecki ceremony is referred to,
Beyonce is going to sing "Barka" - the "Barge" in English.
Sister, is this appropriate?
Shouldn't the star perform this important Polish song in Polish?
This is not the right moment. Really. Stop it for a second.
Not now!
Organizing a private reception in the Royal Castle.
Is this appropriate?
Not, it is not appropriate. This is a joke on Polish citizens.
Ladies and gentlemen, the arrogance of this government is beyond belief.
Take that drone away.
-Buddy, how much for this scrap? -How much do you offer?
A hundred?
-Not enough… -It's not worth half of it.
Market law, supply is subject to demand.
-All right, two hundred. -Not enough…
There you go. All I have.
-Fuck. Where's my bike? -There!
Hail Mary…
Hallelujah.
Praise the Lord and rejoice.
Because on that day,
the Lord shall bond forever these two young people.
If I speak all tongues Of men and of angels
But speak without love
I am only a resounding gong
Or a clanging cymbal
Can you take me to the other side?
-Of course. -Great.
At 3 p.m.
At 3 p.m. it will be all over.
The girl I'm in love with is getting married.
Accepted.
Love is patient Love is kind
This vortex, can you see it? Lovers got drowned here. For love.
-And that tree over there? -Very pretty.
That's where miller's daughter and her boy hanged themselves. Also for love.
And there, another one hanged himself, trying to drag a girl away from the altar.
Super.
I'm not sure if it's so fucking super.
Repeat the wedding vow after me.
"I, Bronisław."
Well, repeat: "I, Bronisław."
I, Krystian.
-Krystian? -Krystian.
So repeat: "You, Krystian."
I, Krystian…
-"take you…" -Aleksandra.
"…Aleksandra as my wedded wife."
"…take you Aleksandra as my wedded wife."
"…and I promise…"
"…to be your loving and faithful husband."
"And I promise to be your loving and faithful husband."
Now you repeat.
Hey, buddy, buddy!
Moron.
"I Alexandra, I take you, Tomasz…"
"to be my wedded husband…"
So Hallelujah.
-Hallelujah. -Hallelujah.
Are you entering into this holy relationship of your own will?
No!
And, now you can… And Hallelujah.
No!
You're not honest with her.
I'd rather take a seat.
He doesn't love you.
I'm sorry.
Go!
Sending.
How did you get it?
So you knew?
You knew all the way.
Sure you did.
How could you force him? How could you do this to both of them?
-What kind of people are you? -What do you want?
Three things.
-First, there was no wedding. -How? There was a wedding!
The priest may not hand over the papers to the registry office.
Fine. This goose did not deserve Kris anyway.
Second, let Smyra go.
-Smyra? Who's that woman? -Ask your husband.
Kosa resigns from the election.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
He's already been elected.
We know the results.
Well… Polish nation somehow can live with that.
And the reception?
What about my centrally great wedding reception?
Yes!
Klara…
Yes.
"I Kris…"
…as my wedded husband.
Finally. In the category of strange wedding movies from Poland,
the Oscar for the best director goes to Kiss, Kiss
that is me!
Are you filming yourself? Film that. There was an accident, broke my vehicle.
Catch the criminal! What are you looking at?