1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,440 How's that sound...? 2 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:05,320 Fifth anniversary, blah-di-blah. 3 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:06,960 GORDON LAUGHS 4 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,560 Da-di-da-di-da. 5 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:12,800 This film contains strong language 6 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:14,960 GORDON VOCALISES 7 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,680 I think it was just a bit loose. 8 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:19,760 Can I get some water please? Oh, yeah, I meant to get you that. 9 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,040 Thank you. 10 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,000 SWISHING 11 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,440 How's that? I can hear it. 12 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:39,600 Okey dokey, let's give it a read. 13 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,160 OK. 14 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,720 OK. 15 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,320 Right. 16 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:56,840 Erm, so, aye, what do I want to talk about? 17 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:02,400 Perhaps it would be best to tell you exactly what I've got. 18 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,960 Oh, who am I, eh? 19 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,800 My name is Gordon. 20 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,280 I'm 39 years old... 21 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,200 ..and... 22 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,320 ..and... 23 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,200 ..I have a brain tumour. 24 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,240 GASPS 25 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,960 When first diagnosed, it was a Grade 2 26 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:27,840 with average life expectancy of around seven to ten years. 27 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,000 Crikey. 28 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:35,640 But within six months, it upgraded to a Grade 3. 29 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,480 The median survival for adults with the same tumour 30 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:45,200 is about two to three years. 31 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,280 Brain tumours are literally head fucks. 32 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,120 I called my tumour Rick. 33 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,320 Hullo! 34 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,240 And I've been conscious of Rick's desire 35 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,280 to get rid of me for seven years now. 36 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:08,640 Seven continual years of living with my likely death. 37 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:14,280 After my diagnosis, I started writing and illustrating comics 38 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,200 as I found they were the best tool 39 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,920 to convey my thoughts and reactions to cancer. 40 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,680 And I do seriously believe 41 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,520 they have helped me come to terms with what is happening. 42 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,200 Or...as close as anyone can get. 43 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,920 How else are you supposed to deal with... 44 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:44,200 ..finding out you're going to die when you're 32? 45 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,560 Do I have a belly that size? 46 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:56,280 I'm going to give myself some droopiness there. 47 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,520 I'm not very favourable about my own... 48 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:02,960 ..facial features, 49 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,560 so maybe I was just trying to hide as much as possible. 50 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:11,280 The beard hides my mouth. 51 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:17,480 I think I do have expressive eyebrows. 52 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:18,720 HE LAUGHS 53 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,520 But, yeah, why do I not show my eyes? 54 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:27,240 It's one way to still keep... 55 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,880 ..some privacy, you know? 56 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,880 I wondered at some point whether... 57 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:44,400 ..it's comic Gordon that's got the tumour and it's not me. 58 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,280 So, when this kicked off again two years ago... 59 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,640 ..it hit me because I was like, 60 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:55,960 "No, no, because it's not me that has the tumour, it's him. 61 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,400 "No, no, no, no. 62 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,080 "Him. Him, not me." 63 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:06,440 You know, which is just silly because, you know, he doesn't exist. 64 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:11,960 WHISPERS: But he does. But he does. 65 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:53,120 I've come down to Brighton for the first time 66 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:58,960 to attend my second Graphic Medicine conference. 67 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:04,720 Those conferences have so many creative comic writers and artists. 68 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,800 I'm looking for inspiration for my next book. 69 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,880 So, I presented my book 70 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,320 at Dundee, three years ago. 71 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:18,760 I don't know if you were there three years ago. No, I wasn't. 72 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,560 So I've not been to this for three years. Oh, neat. 73 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,360 Yeah, so I was just really excited to come down. 74 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,040 And I've never been to Brighton either. 75 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,200 Are you going to be selling this at the marketplace? 76 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:33,080 No, because it's so late that we... Yeah, yeah. 77 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,880 ..managed to actually come down. 78 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,320 Yeah. Consider that sold. Oh! 79 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,320 You could slip it in the bag while I find some money. Thank you. 80 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,000 Well, it's a comic, so there's lots of humour in it as well. 81 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,240 Yeah, yeah. You know, there's lots of good... 82 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,760 Why am I not surprised by that? 83 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:50,760 This man has had me laughing since the first second I met him. 84 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,600 There's an Inspector Gadget reference in the book as well. 85 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,320 Oh, I like Inspector Gadget. 86 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,760 Oh, brilliant, brilliant. 87 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,240 See, that's Rick - that's the tumour, that's Rick. 88 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,600 Before this all began, before all the tumour stuff, 89 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:13,680 I had began drawing more, but not to this extent. 90 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,000 Yeah. 91 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,440 I'm still learning. 92 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,440 And this is automatically queuing you into the fact that 93 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:27,680 what you're going to get is some kind of bad taste, gross-out humour. 94 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,480 And I was like, "OK, I can use this as a vehicle 95 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,200 "to present it as something that's funny." 96 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,280 I have had an Oligodendroglioma, 97 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,640 a malignant incurable brain tumour, for ten years, 98 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,800 which is what I was told when I was first diagnosed 99 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,640 the average life expectancy I would have. 100 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:51,720 See, I admire you. See, like, 101 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:55,360 I just started wearing hats cos I've started to go bald. 102 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:56,680 Uh-huh. 103 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,960 And then I have like the scar and I just said, "Forget it." 104 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,480 Like, I used to have, like, long luscious hair. 105 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,360 I was very proud of it. And now it's middle-aged. 106 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,760 I was told I had to wear a hat 107 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,400 to protect it after the radiotherapy or the chemotherapy. 108 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:12,960 Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. 109 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,920 I was just protecting my ego, really. 110 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:18,440 You know, when I was diagnosed, 111 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,040 there was like... I didn't know anyone with cancer 112 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,600 and none of my friends or mates knew anything about it. 113 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,400 I knew no-one with serious illness. 114 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,440 There were no books I could find for young men 115 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,880 except for Lance Armstrong's book. 116 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,560 And that model didn't work for me - to, like, "out-man" cancer. 117 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,000 I was like, that's not for me. 118 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,440 And so I said, you know, 119 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,920 "I need to write things that I would have wanted 120 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,560 "to have read in that position," 121 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,880 because I thought, for me, there was no life. 122 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,440 I would never be able to get married, 123 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,000 to have a profession or do anything. 124 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,000 It's been a journey to learn. 125 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,960 But I think the journey would have been much, much shorter 126 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,960 had, early on, somebody given me a book like this. 127 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,480 Because I had to learn many of these tools on my own. 128 00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,520 Yeah, yeah. And if earlier on I'd known, 129 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:02,520 "Oh, he was diagnosed at two years that he was going to live 130 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:06,760 "and here is at five and he made a comic? Like, he drew this? 131 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:08,480 "Like, he's articulate?" 132 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:13,240 Just knowing this existed would have decreased my stress, 133 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:17,000 not even reading it would have decreased my stress immeasurably. 134 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,240 I feel like I've left something. 135 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,360 I can die now. 136 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:24,720 But I think... 137 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,880 I've left something that maybe could help other people, I hope. 138 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,240 Thank you. 139 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:07,320 Two years! Shawn and I have been together for two years now. 140 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,120 I need something. 141 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,680 OK? 142 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,200 The recipe for apple pudding? 143 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,280 You mean mom's apple pudding? Uh-uh. 144 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:19,320 GORDON LAUGHS 145 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:24,680 All right, I'll go look, OK? You're my hero. 146 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,040 So when Shawn and I first met... 147 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:31,400 ..it was just so relaxed. 148 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,160 We just seemed to click. 149 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,040 The oven is set at 350 degrees. 150 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:37,640 What is that in Celsius? 151 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,280 Cos they don't have Fahrenheit ovens here. 152 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,960 Well, you'll have to put that in your phone and figure it out. 153 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,880 OK, thanks. 154 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:47,760 Two and a half tablespoons of shortening. 155 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,600 All right. 156 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,720 One half-teaspoon cinnamon. 157 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:54,760 Mm-hm. 158 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:58,280 I didn't expect a long-term relationship 159 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:03,400 with somebody visiting Edinburgh on business. 160 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:04,600 No. 161 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:10,360 Shawn lives in Virginia, USA. 162 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,880 And I've only been over once. 163 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,600 LIVELY PERCUSSION 164 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,720 Till Friday. Oh, right. 165 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,960 Yeah, short visit. What's that? 166 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,920 Short visit. Oh, right, OK. 167 00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:43,960 THEY CHEER 168 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,840 What do we want? Trans rights! 169 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,560 When do we want them? Now! 170 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,080 There's a few times in your life where, 171 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,200 like, your life becomes so crystal clear 172 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,880 and you become so conscious of being in the moment. 173 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,600 And when I met Gordon, like all of my senses just 174 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:13,600 zeroed in, like a little cosmic bell went off that said, 175 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,320 "Pay attention to this. 176 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,680 "This meeting is important, for whatever reason." 177 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,640 And it was. 178 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,480 It was just unfolding just sort of naturally and spontaneously 179 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,400 and, for whatever reason, I can't even remember 180 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,680 the question I'd asked... 181 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,600 Maybe it was about the future - like, you know, 182 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,920 where do you want to be in five years? 183 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:37,800 You know, something like that. And... 184 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,440 And he... You know, I could see, like, 185 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,120 he was uncomfortable with that question 186 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,160 and saying,. "Um, um, um, um..." 187 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:49,280 And then he just sort of leapt and said, "So... 188 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,480 "..I have an inoperable brain tumour." 189 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,480 And, um... 190 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,240 I was like, "Oh. 191 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:01,640 "OK." 192 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,600 How does that signify? 193 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:05,920 I don't know. 194 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:08,920 Like, how can you meet Gordon 195 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:12,360 and not want to be part of his life or part of his journey? 196 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,400 Come on, let's go louder! 197 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,560 Louder! 198 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,560 CHEERING 199 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,960 # Rolling Rolling 200 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,240 # Rolling Rolling... # 201 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,080 No more. 202 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:47,320 So yesterday, right, first thing in the morning, 203 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,520 you had a pretty big seizure. Mm-hm. 204 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,880 Cos you don't lose consciousness, 205 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,320 you're still aware, but like, what...? 206 00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:58,960 What's happening? 207 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,000 I wish I could answer. 208 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,600 But I don't know how to explain it. 209 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,840 So it's not like I'm preventing... 210 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,760 It's not like I'm keeping things from you. 211 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:17,960 No, no, no... 212 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,960 It's not like I'm keeping my words from anybody. 213 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:25,120 It's just I don't, I can't explain it. I don't have the words. 214 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,080 And also, a lot of times, it's like, 215 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:30,160 because you're not quite here, because I'm not quite... 216 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,320 I can't exactly remember. 217 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,560 You're...You're kind of... 218 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:54,200 All...All I can remember is... 219 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,200 ..I know that I am scared. 220 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,880 All I know is that I'm scared because 221 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,840 it takes me back to the very first seizures 222 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,440 where this all started. 223 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,040 That's what's going on for you? 224 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:14,440 And that is... Yeah, it takes me back to the very start 225 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:18,120 where I find out and I'm taken to hospital 226 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:21,840 and I don't know what's happening and I can't speak. 227 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,280 Oh, wow. Oh Jeez. 228 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,240 The big pink bear is awesome. It's great, isn't it? 229 00:14:56,240 --> 00:15:00,160 The orange is quite nice on that, I think, the reduced orange. 230 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,560 Can she do rainbow prints? 231 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,840 We're good man, we're good. 232 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,760 What was that? We're good. 233 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:31,000 Right. I love you, Gor. I love you too. Hey... 234 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:33,960 ..good luck. 235 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,160 Bye! 236 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,000 Bye. Bye! 237 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,520 You've had the MRI scans before, 238 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:04,120 but it's just to quickly double check these questions again. 239 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,440 You've not had a pacemaker 240 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,080 put into your chest or any artificial heart valves? No. No. 241 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,360 You've not had any aneurysm clips put into your brain, 242 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,000 or any shunts put into the brain? Nope. 243 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,760 Have you had any accidents where metal could have got in your eyes? 244 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:17,680 No. Apart from the head surgery, have you had any other operations? 245 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:22,480 No. No. And nothing new in the last couple of months? No. 246 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:33,520 You OK? 247 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,480 OK, Gordon, 12 seconds for the first scan, nice and still. 248 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:44,600 I have tried to write in the illustration 249 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,560 the MRI scanner. 250 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:48,840 So... 251 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,800 HE IMITATES MRI SCANNER 252 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,800 HE IMITATES HIGH-PITCHED WAIL 253 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,800 They are quite pleasurable. 254 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,680 It's horizontal techno. 255 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,640 But of course, you can't dance. 256 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,360 PERSISTENT BEEPING MERGES WITH TECHNO SONG 257 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,360 OK, Gordon, well done, that's you all finished. 258 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,000 I was quite surprised when 259 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,120 the active part of the tumour was actually bigger. 260 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,560 It's 3mm bigger than it was before. 261 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,000 This is chemotherapy, 262 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,120 these two drugs. 263 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:08,800 These are poisoning me right now. 264 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:12,000 Took me a while for my head to actually accept this. 265 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,200 I still was just going around thinking, 266 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,040 It's fucking bigger. 267 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,160 Fucking bigger. 268 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:22,680 I've taken three courses of this, I'm struggling to walk, 269 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,400 and it's got fucking bigger. 270 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,720 It's not even just the same size. 271 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,680 Fucking bigger. 272 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:29,720 BANGING 273 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,880 Richie, I've actually known since primary school. 274 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:59,360 He's also the one who suggested I did comic books about my tumour. 275 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:01,080 Come out, man. 276 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,200 Like, I create work and then that's where my head stops. 277 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,640 He sees work and that's where his kind of head starts. 278 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,280 So, I've just printed the second edition. 279 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,040 Oh, right. So, it's a bit different. Uh-huh. 280 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:30,920 And there you also have the feasibility study. 281 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:35,280 Because have you ever had an MRI? No. 282 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:41,200 What if we take the MRI sounds and give them to musicians 283 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,320 and then they create music from that? 284 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:56,080 So, we're actually going to take these 25 minutes of MRI sounds 285 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:58,920 and we're going to... I know, I've had an MRI scan myself. 286 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,360 Have you? I have, yes. Right. 287 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:04,840 So if you were to have to go back for another one, 288 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,320 would you, would you remember, 289 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:12,520 going on our installation MRI, would you then think of ours? 290 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:15,160 And be less stressed? Yes, probably. 291 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,280 Sorry, I'll just... 292 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,920 Don't, don't, don't feel scared. 293 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,120 Eh? Don't feel scared. We are. We are. Aw! 294 00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,440 THEY LAUGH 295 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:27,680 They have recreated the sound of someone having their hair cut 296 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,680 and the binaural microphones were so amazing 297 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,960 they could capture like every snip. 298 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:38,360 And it felt like you were actually getting your hair cut. 299 00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:40,880 Wow. What does that sound like? 300 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,360 I forget that. It was amazing! 301 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:49,760 Stop laughing at me. 302 00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:00,360 The difference between pre-tumour artist 303 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,920 and post-tumour artist Gordon... 304 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,320 ..I finally opened up... 305 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,960 ..which was highly unusual. 306 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,000 HE CHUCKLES 307 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,360 I consider that highly unusual for me... 308 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:20,280 ..to kind of expose myself, my own thoughts and feelings. 309 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,880 I'm off this week. 310 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,880 MOBILE CHIMES 311 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:40,680 I'll have a wee bash at looking at that application... 312 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,520 ..for doing the MRI thing and... 313 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,960 Are you taking notes? I am, because you know my head. 314 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,440 Well, good, cos you can hold me to these ones then. 315 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:55,400 Cos I thought... 316 00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:01,080 ..there was something that you could do with all your comics. 317 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,040 They give you tech support, research and development, 318 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,440 curatorial help. Mm-hm. 319 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:11,640 It's something like supporting you with a fee. 320 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,920 Oh, sorry. 321 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:14,960 HE EXHALES 322 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,080 You all right? Aye. 323 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:50,600 I think it's meant to be a two-year thing, supported thing. 324 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:54,560 Say that again. It's meant to be two years. Yeah. 325 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:57,760 Two years? 326 00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,520 You've got two years. 327 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,480 You were only meant to have had three. 328 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,760 Not that I'm annoyed about it. 329 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,800 So, I thought this meeting wasn't going to happen 330 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,720 until the end of the film, Gordon. 331 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:45,840 What's happening? 332 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:48,600 Och, just like... 333 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,520 ..I feel like I wanted to talk about more things. 334 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:54,760 Like what? 335 00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,080 Well... 336 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,000 ..a bit like this. 337 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,680 Eh? 338 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:06,800 Well, how we manage to, to live with each other. 339 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,240 I mean, have we? 340 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,400 At all? 341 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,640 I thought...I thought folk would be interested in that. 342 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:17,680 RICK LAUGHS 343 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:20,120 Interested? 344 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,480 In you? 345 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:25,840 LAUGHTER CONTINUES 346 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:28,120 Oh, fuck you, Rick. 347 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,440 Fuck you, Gordon. 348 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,960 RINGING 349 00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,040 Hey! 350 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,360 Hello. 351 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:21,680 How're you? 352 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:25,600 I'm good. 353 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:29,040 Before I forget, John and Mata say hello. 354 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,640 How are they? 355 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:34,000 Oh, they are good. It was lovely. Yeah? 356 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:37,200 How'd you sleep? 357 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,640 Hm, not well. 358 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:40,680 Oh, I'm sorry. 359 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,920 Anxious or what? 360 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:46,080 I don't know. 361 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:55,400 # Reach out and touch somebody's hand 362 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,760 # Make this world a better place 363 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,520 # If you can. # 364 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:01,560 GORDON LAUGHS 365 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,120 I could use a bear hug. 366 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:06,920 I know. 367 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:08,560 Or at least an otter hug. 368 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:12,880 Mm-hm. 369 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,600 # Mm-hm, mm-hm Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. # 370 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:22,960 I have exactly one minute before I have to jump in the shower. 371 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:24,720 Uh-huh. 372 00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:28,040 Tell me something just wonderful and lovely, will you? 373 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,360 Christmas. 374 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:36,920 Love you. 375 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,400 Love you too. Bye-bye. 376 00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:44,960 Does Shawn see himself as a carer yet? 377 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:47,800 If he doesn't, he should. 378 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:53,280 Because the love and support 379 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,680 and care that he's given me... 380 00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:58,280 ..he's a carer. 381 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,640 My next comic is going to be about them, 382 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,640 the carers, 383 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,520 the people who look after people with cancer. 384 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:18,920 I've had probably one of the...the biggest shocks of my life, 385 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:22,240 while I was making the dinner, 386 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:25,640 and she basically came in and 387 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:29,280 she'd written on a piece of paper, "I can't speak." 388 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:32,040 What I would regard as a massive seizure. 389 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,440 The last three... 390 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,680 Probably the last three months, 391 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:41,880 I mean, she lost the ability to walk 392 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:45,840 and then lost the ability to talk, and then... 393 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:48,000 And then really just, erm... 394 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:52,240 Yeah, just... 395 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,640 Just didn't become the person that I... 396 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:59,960 ..I knew and married and loved and... Yeah. Yeah. 397 00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:03,880 So, although you're going through it, 398 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:08,040 then, as a carer, I'm going through it as well. 399 00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:20,280 That was Tony on my daughter's wedding day. 400 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:21,760 Oh! 401 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,240 And then... But as you can see, 402 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:28,160 obviously, the bald head because he'd lost his hair 403 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:30,080 and that with the chemo and that sort of thing. 404 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,560 And you can see where the weight... 405 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:35,000 I mean, look how fat I am there. Look at it. 406 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,360 Och. 407 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:39,560 And then there's all his little bits that he brought me. 408 00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:41,880 Little bits and bobs that he brought me sort of thing. 409 00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:44,120 I was noticing the teapot. And that's him when... 410 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,080 Well, that was when we first met each other. 411 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:49,000 That was him with a cigarette in his hand. 412 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:51,520 He'd given up smoking before he got the brain tumour. 413 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:54,800 Cos it was a second relationship, 414 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,800 I never told him I loved him until he went for his first operation, 415 00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:01,040 because we were both that afraid to say we loved each other. 416 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:03,760 So it happened before you got married? 417 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:05,200 Yeah, yeah. We'd been together. 418 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:07,680 Yeah, we'd been together and we were living together. 419 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:10,880 We'd nearly slipped up and said it a couple of times. 420 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:14,160 Putting him under for his operation, I just said, "I love you." 421 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,280 And he says, "I've always loved you." You know? 422 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:18,200 Yeah. And I'm glad I had that. 423 00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:25,720 Confronting your mortality is never an easy thing to do. 424 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:37,440 It's taken a long time and, even then, 425 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:40,040 I don't think it can ever be fully accepted. 426 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,760 Although, I think the person with the tumour 427 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,760 has a better chance of acceptance 428 00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:49,040 compared to their family and friends. 429 00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:53,000 They have to really, that's the thing. 430 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,440 Craig is my brother. 431 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:13,960 He was great at art and that's what lead me into drawing. 432 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:17,800 Do you know how to make a sea? 433 00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:23,240 And then you join them up to that one. 434 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:28,560 Now Oli, Craig's youngest, she's a bit arty as well. 435 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:32,160 It could be like a monkey. 436 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:34,800 Could just have a wee bald head poking out above that one. 437 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,760 One of the exercises... 438 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:43,760 ..I was given once... 439 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:46,720 ..was to close your eyes 440 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:49,360 and to have a pencil or a pen 441 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:53,640 in your hand and to draw what you can hear. 442 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:55,800 So, I mean, you can hear... 443 00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:58,400 Maybe cars outside or something. So you can hear the cars, so... 444 00:30:58,400 --> 00:30:59,440 WHISPERS: Dad, run. 445 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:00,480 THEY LAUGH 446 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:03,880 You'll hear something like that, right...? 447 00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:06,160 You didn't see that there, did you? Eh? 448 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:15,600 We've not been that close until the last year... 449 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,640 ..year and a tiny little bit. 450 00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:24,960 There will be like graffiti artists who will paint like this. 451 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:28,240 Maybe have a wee look. I might look on YouTube for you. 452 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:34,800 He was quite a cool guy and I was just Craig's little brother. 453 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,480 So how often do you do that physio, then? 454 00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:41,920 That's going to be the one and only appointment. 455 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:45,480 Right. How come? She's given me exercises to do. 456 00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:47,520 So I'm doing like two or three times a day. 457 00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:49,160 What kind of exercises? 458 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:50,200 THEY LAUGH 459 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:53,320 I'm just imagining you doing some mad lunges or something. 460 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:54,760 Nae lunges. 461 00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:55,800 CRAIG LAUGHS 462 00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:59,760 You're going to turn right here. 463 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:03,680 No, sorry, this right here with the red "food and wine". 464 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:05,680 Oh, right, OK. Aye. I'll go up there. Sorry. 465 00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:08,160 What do you want your brother to do? Do you want him to stay? 466 00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:09,360 You don't need him, do you? 467 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:11,840 I presume you don't need your brother to come through, do you? 468 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:13,560 If he doesn't need, I'll quite happily... 469 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:15,160 If you're comfortable going through, 470 00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:17,120 whatever, I'm easy-osey. I'm just here anyway. 471 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,920 We normally only get people to come though if they actually need... 472 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:21,680 Absolutely, I get it. ..to come through. 473 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:23,680 Otherwise, we'd have to checklist you as well. 474 00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:50,520 OK, nice to meet you. And you. 475 00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:52,800 Bye-bye now. Hopefully, I don't see you for a wee while. 476 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:54,600 Yes. In the nicest possible way. 477 00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:56,600 See you later. Bye. 478 00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:58,680 All good? Are you? Yeah. How was the magazine? 479 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:00,400 I did a couple, yeah. 480 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:04,080 Did you? Cool. 481 00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:11,480 It's just kind on in-built a lot of the times, 482 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:13,640 just this constant kind of fear 483 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:18,360 in the week whilst you're waiting for those results. 484 00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:22,760 Is the tumour going to kick off again? 485 00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:25,040 If so, how aggressive? 486 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:30,400 Maybe it'll be good? Probably not. But maybe it'll be good. 487 00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:33,160 So just get on with stuff. 488 00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:36,240 And then let's see what December 18th brings. 489 00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,520 Oh! It's going to get really heavy. 490 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,760 There we go. I think it fits. 491 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:11,800 Why is it losing needles so much? It's in a pot, for Christ's sakes. 492 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:12,880 Thank you. 493 00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:17,320 Oh, there you are. That's brilliant. 494 00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:19,600 When do you go back over the road? When do you go home? 495 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:20,840 I'm back on the 29th. Are you? 496 00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:27,400 How are you holding up through all this? 497 00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:29,760 Aye, it's not been fantastic, but... 498 00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:31,480 Yeah. It's just life, isn't it? 499 00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:33,080 You just... It is life. It is, 500 00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:35,680 you've just got to get on with it, I suppose, really. 501 00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:37,120 There's not really... 502 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,200 Are you able to take care of yourself? Aye, absolutely... 503 00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:42,280 Because everyone's counting on you now. 504 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:43,720 THEY LAUGH 505 00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:45,240 Right? So how's that feel? 506 00:34:45,240 --> 00:34:46,880 Well, we're fucked then. We're fucked. 507 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:48,920 Yeah, but there's like, there's actually, 508 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:50,520 we fuck around, but that's true. 509 00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:53,560 Because I'm not here. You know what I mean? 510 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:56,160 Aye, it is tough. It's tough. Och, I don't... 511 00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:59,040 I mean, the only person that really knows is Gordon, isn't it? 512 00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:00,800 It's not really... Right. 513 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:03,240 It's not really... I don't know, really. I can't get a... 514 00:35:03,240 --> 00:35:04,400 Oh, I can't even imagine. 515 00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:06,680 I can get a rough idea. Like, I know how I'm feeling, 516 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,200 so you'd probably need to multiply that by... A million. Aye. 517 00:35:24,240 --> 00:35:26,640 That's my neurologist. 518 00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:29,400 Hm? Oh, is it? Dr Grant. 519 00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:32,040 That is? I asked if you saw him. 520 00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:33,480 Hm? 521 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:36,680 I asked if you saw Dr Grant and you said no. 522 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:39,400 Well, I've not had an appointment with him for a long time. 523 00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:41,400 How come? 524 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:45,200 Erm, I'd normally just see him once a year. Oh. 525 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:46,600 Like... Gordon? 526 00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:53,680 Can the rest of us come too? Yeah, good to go. 527 00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:56,400 Hey. Good, how're you? 528 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,040 When they analysed that part of the scan, 529 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:09,720 they felt that this area here was showing up, right? 530 00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:11,560 So it was looking more consistent 531 00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:14,160 with active tumour rather than anything else. 532 00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:16,520 And the activity is looking higher. 533 00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:18,920 That would all fit with it being an active tumour. 534 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:21,800 I'm trying to find some positives. 535 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:24,360 I'm trying to, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 536 00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,360 I think the positives are we see a lot of people 537 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:29,440 that aren't very well and you still are well within yourself. 538 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:30,960 And I know you do have some symptoms, 539 00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:32,720 but they haven't dramatically changed. 540 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:34,280 And that's really important. 541 00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:37,320 Yes, we're seeing enough for us to be able to say with confidence 542 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:38,600 this tumour is active, 543 00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:41,440 but it's not causing problems in your brain at the minute. 544 00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:43,440 We want to get in and get control of it 545 00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:45,480 before it starts to cause problems. 546 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,280 So those are the positives. 547 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:50,200 And I think we do need to think about some more treatment. 548 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:53,000 OK. And that's going to be some more chemotherapy. 549 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:54,200 In terms of the, you know, 550 00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:59,200 you said two rounds, so that would be 12 weeks' worth. 551 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:01,800 What do you anticipate, two out of how many? 552 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:03,000 So up to six. 553 00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:04,640 Up to six. So that's over nine months. 554 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,280 And normally, by the end of that, the body's getting a bit tired. 555 00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:08,320 Aye. 556 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:11,200 Well, I was hoping, 557 00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:13,920 I was hoping to go back to the States 558 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:16,400 and spend Hogmanay with Shawn. 559 00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:21,240 But I don't want you... Like, there's noy pressure about that. 560 00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:24,800 No, I know there's not pressure. I know... This is like my hopes 561 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,400 but we could talk about it and look at it. Right. 562 00:37:27,400 --> 00:37:28,840 If I could talk to you 563 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:31,920 and look at the dangers and things like this. 564 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:34,160 So this is what I wanted us to speak about. Yeah. 565 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,720 I mean there's not absolute contraindication 566 00:37:36,720 --> 00:37:38,240 to getting on an airplane, 567 00:37:38,240 --> 00:37:40,440 but we probably wouldn't normally advise somebody 568 00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:41,760 to go on a long-haul flight... 569 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,760 OK. ..when we know that the tumour is active 570 00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:47,120 and they're waiting to start chemotherapy. OK. 571 00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:49,400 Because the concerns are that you have a big seizure 572 00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:51,640 and you have a big seizure over there... Overseas. 573 00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:54,280 You know, and then you're over there having had a big seizure 574 00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:57,920 and you're potentially not well enough to come back. OK. 575 00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:00,720 So you'd get two lots of chemo and then another scan 576 00:38:00,720 --> 00:38:02,520 so we can see how things are looking, 577 00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:05,240 and then come back to clinic to see where we are at that point. 578 00:38:05,240 --> 00:38:06,280 Sure thing. 579 00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:10,840 Are you...? You're good in your head 580 00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:13,680 about just letting go of the travel thing, yeah? 581 00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:16,640 I have to be. 582 00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:21,760 But I'll make a point of coming over a few times, eh? 583 00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:27,320 I know it's not the same, Gordon. It's not the same. 584 00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:29,000 But we'll do day trips. 585 00:38:36,720 --> 00:38:38,720 It really smashed me. 586 00:38:38,720 --> 00:38:43,440 I was just taken back to where I was when I was diagnosed. 587 00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:55,480 It's meant that I couldn't go back with Shawn to the States. 588 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:04,720 I can't just stay in this emotional place. 589 00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:08,200 I've got a next book to do. I've got people to interview. 590 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:09,840 I've got... 591 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:13,480 I've got things to read, I've got articles to get angry at. 592 00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:19,480 You know? I've got loads of people around me to... 593 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:20,520 ..to, erm... 594 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:23,000 ..take me out and... 595 00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:25,560 ..buy me cake. 596 00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:30,680 You know? Or... Yeah. 597 00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:31,760 I'm very lucky. 598 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:39,800 Why are you not stopping? 599 00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:44,480 Stop filming. 600 00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:00,960 So this is my exercise. 601 00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:11,440 This is my exercise... 602 00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:19,400 ..for at least 20 minutes. 603 00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:39,880 Cool, man. 604 00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:41,680 Thank you for coming down again. 605 00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:44,240 And, erm, yeah, if you... 606 00:41:44,240 --> 00:41:46,680 Obviously blah, blah, blah, I don't have to say it, 607 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:48,880 but if you need anything... Aye. 608 00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:53,480 Oof! Oh, me grapes. 609 00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:56,840 HE LAUGHS 610 00:42:02,240 --> 00:42:04,600 I was classified as a vulnerable person... 611 00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:08,920 ..so I was just told to stay in the house 612 00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,520 cause Covid-19 had kicked in. 613 00:42:21,240 --> 00:42:23,800 Well, all the staff is at home, 614 00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:28,160 hunkered down, but as I'm sitting here walking across campus 615 00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:32,520 and it just occurred to me, a song sprang to my mind. 616 00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:36,200 # A-down the hill I went at morn 617 00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:39,200 # A lovely maid I spied 618 00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:42,480 # Her hair was bright as the dew that wets 619 00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:45,120 # Sweet Anner's verdant side 620 00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:49,360 # Now where go ye dear maid says I 621 00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:53,840 # Beneath her eyes are blue 622 00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:55,800 # She smiled and said 623 00:42:55,800 --> 00:43:01,600 # The boy I'll wed I'm to meet in the foggy dew. # 624 00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:14,840 And there's enough 625 00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:17,320 in the endowment that we could liquidate 626 00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:19,560 if that comes down to that, you know, 627 00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:23,200 to preserve the integrity of the organisation. But, you know, 628 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:27,880 for us to be sustainable, I think, and looking ahead as... 629 00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:30,920 ..how we might be able to open back up, 630 00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:33,640 it's really if we can have live performances, 631 00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:36,040 it's going to be limited number of seats. 632 00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,240 You know, my budget's just screwed. 633 00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:40,320 Yeah. I mean, it's... And I've reworked it now, 634 00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:42,880 what? At least a dozen times? 635 00:43:42,880 --> 00:43:46,040 You know, and I'm about tired of... 636 00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,040 I'm about tired of that because it's just like, 637 00:43:50,040 --> 00:43:51,840 you can't account for the variables 638 00:43:51,840 --> 00:43:54,840 and they keep changing, like minute by minute by minute. 639 00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:56,920 I'm just trying to do the next, 640 00:43:56,920 --> 00:43:59,680 the next thing, whatever that thing is, 641 00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:04,160 and then focus then on the next one thing to just keep moving forward. 642 00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:07,560 Well, we're...you know, in the... 643 00:44:08,920 --> 00:44:11,680 All of that negates what's happening in our own lives, right? 644 00:44:11,680 --> 00:44:12,840 So I know what you're... 645 00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:15,400 Sarah shared a little bit about what you're wrestling with. 646 00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:18,200 I can't even imagine doing what you're doing organisationally 647 00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:21,200 and wrestling with what you're wrestling with, personally. 648 00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:24,320 Yeah. Well, that one sits right below the surface, Michael. 649 00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:27,560 That one's hard. Yeah. 650 00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:31,320 That's... That one just sucks. Yeah. 651 00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:33,720 Yeah. 652 00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:49,800 Hello. 653 00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:51,800 Hello. How are you? 654 00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:55,280 I'm OK. Yeah? 655 00:44:57,960 --> 00:44:59,760 Aye. So... 656 00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:02,320 I mean, I've had a funny, 657 00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:04,520 first of all I had two seizures on Sunday. 658 00:45:06,240 --> 00:45:07,760 Like, quite vividly. 659 00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:10,600 And that really freaked me out. 660 00:45:12,600 --> 00:45:14,160 Really freaked me out. 661 00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:16,480 And then, like, shortly after that, 662 00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:20,000 I had this big "whooph" across the head. 663 00:45:21,720 --> 00:45:24,960 And then like, the night's sleep wasn't good. 664 00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:26,000 Huh. 665 00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:32,080 Did you eat regularly throughout the day? Yeah. 666 00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:34,480 I had a big lunch as well. 667 00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:36,680 Hm. 668 00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:47,480 I can't in practical terms 669 00:45:47,480 --> 00:45:49,280 just move to the UK. 670 00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:51,600 I'm in my 50s - who's going to sponsor me? 671 00:45:51,600 --> 00:45:55,360 I'm not independently wealthy, I actually need to work! 672 00:45:55,360 --> 00:46:01,240 I mean, I sort of gave up a couple of months ago on... 673 00:46:01,240 --> 00:46:03,480 ..on finding a way of being there. 674 00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:07,040 And then for him to come here, I mean, that's a mess because... 675 00:46:08,080 --> 00:46:10,160 Like, there's just no way 676 00:46:10,160 --> 00:46:14,520 that he would be able to receive the treatment that he needs. 677 00:46:14,520 --> 00:46:16,120 I mean, just impossible. 678 00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:24,360 It makes my job prospects look, you know, rosy in Scotland 679 00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:29,480 compared to, you know, the ability to have him treated in any way here. 680 00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:48,760 I'll send Piotr next time, OK? In a deck chair. 681 00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:50,840 Right, cheers, mate. Thank you. 682 00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:55,520 RINGING 683 00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:56,920 So loud. 684 00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:01,840 Hello? Hello. 685 00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:03,560 Hi there, you all right? I am. 686 00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:06,840 Seeing me OK? I can't see you yet. 687 00:47:06,840 --> 00:47:08,040 Just, let's check. 688 00:47:11,480 --> 00:47:12,760 Hey! Yeah. 689 00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:14,360 There you are. 690 00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:15,960 Thanks for doing this, by the way. 691 00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:19,200 That's great, no, it sounds good...good work you're doing. 692 00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:21,120 I hope so. I hope so. Yes. 693 00:47:22,120 --> 00:47:26,000 So, with your project you're doing now, Gordon, on this, 694 00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:29,880 is it part of another comic book, or is it a piece of work...? 695 00:47:29,880 --> 00:47:32,800 It's another comic book. OK. 696 00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:38,040 I hadn't heard any carers' voices before 697 00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:41,480 and this is what this book was going to be about. 698 00:47:41,480 --> 00:47:43,160 There's a lot of guilt because 699 00:47:43,160 --> 00:47:46,520 you wonder if you're doing as much as you can. 700 00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:50,160 But the problem is, you can only do so much physically in 24 hours 701 00:47:50,160 --> 00:47:52,960 with no sleep and work and... So whatever you do, 702 00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:54,480 you just feel guilty! 703 00:47:57,080 --> 00:48:02,120 My mum died when I was a few weeks short of being 16. 704 00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,440 Oh, was she young? Yeah. Oh, right, sorry to hear that. 705 00:48:04,440 --> 00:48:06,280 Yeah, it was breast cancer. 706 00:48:06,280 --> 00:48:07,880 Was it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 707 00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:12,560 My brother was 17, maybe just about to turn 18. Was he? Yeah. 708 00:48:13,720 --> 00:48:17,880 So my dad obviously had to cook. Yeah. 709 00:48:17,880 --> 00:48:19,760 And later on, he joked, he goes, 710 00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:22,200 "I never had to take you to McDonalds for dinner." 711 00:48:22,200 --> 00:48:24,160 You know? Yeah, good on him. 712 00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:27,120 If Edward didn't have Paz and I and he was on his own... 713 00:48:28,240 --> 00:48:31,760 ..I think he'd have gone by now. I think he'd have died by now. Mm-hm. 714 00:48:33,040 --> 00:48:34,080 Because I think... 715 00:48:36,960 --> 00:48:43,040 ..it must be such a lonely place to be, where you are, in your heart. 716 00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:44,920 It's lonely. 717 00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:46,720 It is. 718 00:48:46,720 --> 00:48:49,920 Have you got a good support network around you? 719 00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:51,520 I do. 720 00:48:51,520 --> 00:48:54,240 Which is fantastic. I do. 721 00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:57,600 I feel damn lucky. 722 00:48:57,600 --> 00:48:59,880 And the people I feel sorry for are the people 723 00:48:59,880 --> 00:49:01,400 who aren't in this position. 724 00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:06,800 My dad... Sadly, my dad passed away last year. 725 00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:10,360 I might, I might... 726 00:49:12,040 --> 00:49:14,400 I might be like, I don't get much emotion from him, 727 00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:17,120 I don't get much kind of like sympathy. Kind of like, 728 00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:19,520 "Oh, I know son, it's sad," blah, blah, blah, 729 00:49:19,520 --> 00:49:21,400 but he was a rock. Yeah. 730 00:49:21,400 --> 00:49:25,920 You know, you would never doubt that he would be there. 731 00:49:25,920 --> 00:49:33,280 And I could...I could moan, I could cry, I could say whatever I wanted 732 00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:35,800 and he would still be there, you know? 733 00:50:17,840 --> 00:50:20,640 I always forget the anxiety I feel 734 00:50:20,640 --> 00:50:24,400 when it comes to waiting for the MRI results. 735 00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:36,880 You see people in wheelchairs. 736 00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:42,360 You see people being looked after by their 737 00:50:42,360 --> 00:50:45,360 wife, husband, brother, mother. 738 00:50:47,600 --> 00:50:50,920 I replace them with me and my dad, 739 00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:53,240 looking at every possible future. 740 00:50:55,120 --> 00:50:57,000 The fear 741 00:50:57,000 --> 00:50:58,680 takes hold of my heart. 742 00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:02,160 I need to catch my breath. 743 00:51:03,280 --> 00:51:05,520 All I can do 744 00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:08,560 is stare while tears well up. 745 00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:12,960 I shake my head. 746 00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:14,080 Tell myself... 747 00:51:15,880 --> 00:51:18,640 .."Get to fucking grips, Gordon!" 748 00:51:56,160 --> 00:51:59,120 The results didn't come back...well. 749 00:52:02,720 --> 00:52:03,800 The chemo... 750 00:52:06,280 --> 00:52:07,480 ..wasn't working. 751 00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:17,840 The tumour is still growing. 752 00:52:22,720 --> 00:52:24,480 So they've stopped the chemo. 753 00:52:51,680 --> 00:52:55,440 I asked for a revised life expectancy. 754 00:53:06,240 --> 00:53:10,480 My doctor replied, "Months, a year." 755 00:53:41,520 --> 00:53:44,840 When Gordon was visiting a year and a half ago, 756 00:53:44,840 --> 00:53:50,840 it was great just to see him tromping all over the mountain. 757 00:53:50,840 --> 00:53:52,560 I mean, he just... 758 00:53:52,560 --> 00:53:55,160 There's... There's an... 759 00:53:55,160 --> 00:53:57,600 ..indomitable spirit in him. 760 00:53:57,600 --> 00:54:02,720 Just this love of life. This energy and joy and... 761 00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:05,640 So him... 762 00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:08,680 Him... His presence here was... 763 00:54:11,160 --> 00:54:14,240 It wasn't much of a vacation, I guess, because we were so... 764 00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:18,520 ..I guess housebound, but then there was... 765 00:54:18,520 --> 00:54:20,120 Like there's something about that, 766 00:54:20,120 --> 00:54:22,800 like when we're together and we're just doing normal crap. 767 00:54:22,800 --> 00:54:24,760 You know, cooking dinners together 768 00:54:24,760 --> 00:54:27,400 and taking care of chores together and laundry 769 00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:29,280 and just the stuff of living together that, 770 00:54:29,280 --> 00:54:31,240 you know, a lot of people take for granted 771 00:54:31,240 --> 00:54:33,720 but we don't get all that much. 772 00:54:33,720 --> 00:54:36,320 And so our... It was really about, you know, 773 00:54:36,320 --> 00:54:40,080 this time where we get to play house. 774 00:54:40,080 --> 00:54:41,120 And... 775 00:54:43,040 --> 00:54:45,400 ..you know, how do you explain to someone 776 00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:47,120 how important it is to do nothing? 777 00:54:47,120 --> 00:54:51,320 You know, what it means to just hold a hand or, you know... 778 00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:54,240 ..cuddle up together on the couch 779 00:54:54,240 --> 00:54:58,560 and watch some piece-of-trash TV or film or something. 780 00:54:58,560 --> 00:55:02,200 You know, what it means to just have that person's presence 781 00:55:02,200 --> 00:55:05,960 in the home when you come back or... 782 00:55:07,920 --> 00:55:13,360 ..the 100 million things that make up lives as they entwine. 783 00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:18,000 And I know it's ridiculous, 784 00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:20,720 but I still think it's because I had... 785 00:55:20,720 --> 00:55:23,680 I was selfish and wanted him to come here 786 00:55:23,680 --> 00:55:26,480 and it was the plane trip over that... 787 00:55:28,240 --> 00:55:32,720 ..that...that caused the tumour to activate again. 788 00:55:35,600 --> 00:55:36,880 So it's, uh... 789 00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:40,200 You know, rationally, I think, 790 00:55:40,200 --> 00:55:42,960 "Oh, that's not going to be the case," you know. 791 00:55:42,960 --> 00:55:45,040 That things were going to unfold as they were 792 00:55:45,040 --> 00:55:46,480 but I really just feel like... 793 00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:54,200 ..that was probably what... That was... 794 00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:58,040 That was the thing that just... 795 00:55:58,040 --> 00:56:01,480 ..was tempting fate, or was just like one too many thing, or... 796 00:56:02,920 --> 00:56:04,240 And it was just... 797 00:56:05,400 --> 00:56:09,320 ..you know, for my own selfishness of wanting him here. 798 00:56:15,320 --> 00:56:20,200 Then to watch him receive that news by himself. 799 00:56:21,520 --> 00:56:22,560 And... 800 00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:36,280 I've never felt so helpless in my life. 801 00:57:40,880 --> 00:57:42,240 Hey, G. 802 00:57:43,400 --> 00:57:44,440 Miss me? 803 00:57:45,360 --> 00:57:46,400 Huh? 804 00:57:49,120 --> 00:57:50,400 Fuck you, Rick. 805 00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:53,240 RICK CHUCKLES 806 00:58:00,760 --> 00:58:05,480 There were talks about having a party for my 40th. 807 00:58:07,280 --> 00:58:09,040 So my 40th... 808 00:58:09,040 --> 00:58:13,560 So I was supposed to be turning 40 in less than three weeks. 809 00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:19,440 And it's going to be spent... 810 00:58:22,600 --> 00:58:23,840 ..locked down... 811 00:58:25,800 --> 00:58:26,960 ..in this house. 812 00:58:30,000 --> 00:58:32,760 And I won't be alive for my next one. 813 00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:52,520 So it looks like it's going to be at least mid-June before, 814 00:58:52,520 --> 00:58:56,560 you know, the travel aspect would allow me to get there. 815 00:58:56,560 --> 00:58:57,880 And I want that too, right? 816 00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:00,760 I'm trying to squeeze it all in right now 817 00:59:00,760 --> 00:59:03,320 because this is all we have, right? 818 00:59:03,320 --> 00:59:06,280 We only have, we only have this moment. 819 00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:10,760 But the reality is, 820 00:59:10,760 --> 00:59:14,800 I've got a lot of people relying on me here and... 821 00:59:15,960 --> 00:59:18,080 ..I've got to find a balance between... 822 00:59:19,440 --> 00:59:22,000 ..you know, having my life and my love... 823 00:59:24,920 --> 00:59:25,960 ..somehow... 824 00:59:29,400 --> 00:59:31,200 I mean, it just feels like I can't... 825 00:59:32,480 --> 00:59:35,720 ..win any of it, you know? I hate not winning. 826 00:59:36,920 --> 00:59:40,760 I hate it. I hate not being able to figure it all out. 827 00:59:58,000 --> 01:00:02,800 We're working on a big surprise 40th birthday for him, 828 01:00:02,800 --> 01:00:04,880 and the 40th... 829 01:00:04,880 --> 01:00:06,280 Yeah, he's a baby, yeah. 830 01:00:06,280 --> 01:00:08,200 Don't judge me. 831 01:00:08,200 --> 01:00:11,280 Don't judge. No judging. Yeah. No judge. 832 01:00:12,320 --> 01:00:15,280 He thinks his... You know, his friends are also artists, 833 01:00:15,280 --> 01:00:21,080 so they've designed this bullshit Zoom invitation from the Louvre 834 01:00:21,080 --> 01:00:24,000 that he thinks we're going on a virtual tour of the Louvre. 835 01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:34,600 Well, I'm just going to hit join, 836 01:00:34,600 --> 01:00:37,160 I still need to put in the password, but... 837 01:00:40,120 --> 01:00:41,960 Are you ready? Uh-huh. 838 01:00:41,960 --> 01:00:44,120 Three... 839 01:00:44,120 --> 01:00:45,800 ..two, one. 840 01:00:45,800 --> 01:00:47,480 See you at the Louvre. 841 01:00:47,480 --> 01:00:49,000 See you at the Louvre! 842 01:00:51,520 --> 01:00:52,560 BEEPING 843 01:00:55,160 --> 01:01:00,320 # Happy birthday to you 844 01:01:00,320 --> 01:01:06,280 ALL OVERLAPPING: # Happy birthday to you 845 01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:11,600 # Happy birthday, dear Gordon 846 01:01:11,600 --> 01:01:16,480 # Happy birthday to you! # 847 01:01:16,480 --> 01:01:17,520 THEY CHEER 848 01:01:31,000 --> 01:01:32,280 You bastards. 849 01:01:32,280 --> 01:01:35,200 How did you all get to the Louvre? 850 01:01:35,200 --> 01:01:37,200 You're looking very dapper. 851 01:01:37,200 --> 01:01:40,800 I know! Was that for the Louvre? 852 01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:43,120 Only from the waist up, though? 853 01:01:43,120 --> 01:01:44,480 Yeah, exactly. 854 01:01:45,600 --> 01:01:47,200 I'm even wearing shoes. 855 01:01:49,520 --> 01:01:51,680 DRUM ROLL 856 01:01:57,000 --> 01:01:58,560 QUIRKY DANCE MUSIC 857 01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:12,480 THEY LAUGH 858 01:02:12,480 --> 01:02:14,440 Aye, see yous after. 859 01:02:15,880 --> 01:02:19,000 Bye! See you Gordon, happy birthday. Bye! 860 01:02:19,000 --> 01:02:20,840 Punch you in the face next time I see you all. 861 01:02:20,840 --> 01:02:22,720 Punch, punch, punch. Punch, punch, punch. 862 01:02:39,320 --> 01:02:41,000 HE EXHALES RAGGEDLY 863 01:02:45,920 --> 01:02:47,400 HE SOBS 864 01:03:18,200 --> 01:03:19,240 Hello. 865 01:03:20,760 --> 01:03:22,920 I love you so. 866 01:03:22,920 --> 01:03:24,560 I said, I love you so. 867 01:03:28,520 --> 01:03:29,720 Thank you. 868 01:04:17,440 --> 01:04:19,240 Struggling a bit today. 869 01:04:32,640 --> 01:04:36,840 It's the day after my birthday. 870 01:04:36,840 --> 01:04:39,680 It's the day after my 40th birthday, actually. 871 01:04:41,160 --> 01:04:47,000 Or as I like to say, to try and make it sound slightly less big, 872 01:04:47,000 --> 01:04:50,480 it's the start of my 41st year, so 873 01:04:50,480 --> 01:04:54,200 that's slightly less...major. 874 01:05:02,640 --> 01:05:04,440 HE BREATHES RAGGEDLY 875 01:05:22,840 --> 01:05:23,880 Erm... 876 01:05:45,920 --> 01:05:48,520 I had a board meeting last Thursday 877 01:05:48,520 --> 01:05:51,360 and I talked to the board about Gordon 878 01:05:51,360 --> 01:05:54,000 and that I need to go and I'm going to go 879 01:05:54,000 --> 01:05:56,200 for an extended period of time 880 01:05:56,200 --> 01:05:59,120 because I would need to be in quarantine for two weeks. 881 01:05:59,120 --> 01:06:00,160 MOBILE CHIMES 882 01:06:01,400 --> 01:06:03,680 And my board president phoned me and said, 883 01:06:03,680 --> 01:06:06,200 "You need to go sooner rather than later," 884 01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:08,360 and, "You need to go more than once." 885 01:06:10,080 --> 01:06:11,520 They're very nice people. 886 01:06:15,000 --> 01:06:17,640 Almost there. Almost there. 887 01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:19,840 Al...most...there. 888 01:06:19,840 --> 01:06:21,520 Aye. 889 01:06:21,520 --> 01:06:23,440 I mean, I've told you, I'm a little... 890 01:06:23,440 --> 01:06:28,400 I'm a little anxious until I actually get on the plane. 891 01:06:28,400 --> 01:06:29,440 Mm-hm. 892 01:06:30,720 --> 01:06:33,560 The hospital phoned me last night 893 01:06:33,560 --> 01:06:37,120 to confirm the appointment on Wednesday. 894 01:06:39,760 --> 01:06:41,040 Just to... 895 01:06:42,520 --> 01:06:45,320 Yeah. She called me at 19:15. 896 01:06:46,480 --> 01:06:49,280 So I asked whether it would be 897 01:06:49,280 --> 01:06:51,600 OK for my brother to come in with me. 898 01:06:51,600 --> 01:06:52,840 And what was the answer? 899 01:06:54,400 --> 01:06:57,080 Normally, it would not be OK, but... 900 01:06:59,480 --> 01:07:02,640 ..seeing as it's me, you know. 901 01:07:02,640 --> 01:07:05,520 Does that mean that something bad has been seen in that scan? 902 01:07:05,520 --> 01:07:07,880 Oh, come on. Don't do that. 903 01:07:07,880 --> 01:07:12,400 I mean, what...what more bad is there, Gordon? 904 01:07:12,400 --> 01:07:14,360 GORDON LAUGHS 905 01:07:14,360 --> 01:07:18,440 That's... There's like a brain tumour like growing in your brain, 906 01:07:18,440 --> 01:07:20,960 what more bad are you going to hear? 907 01:07:20,960 --> 01:07:22,680 That's how my head works. 908 01:07:22,680 --> 01:07:26,400 Well, I'm just saying, like, don't borrow the trouble. Right? 909 01:07:29,920 --> 01:07:32,200 I'm coming over to see you 910 01:07:32,200 --> 01:07:37,960 and that, I mean, that should heal at least Scotland, 911 01:07:37,960 --> 01:07:40,280 if not the entire UK. 912 01:07:44,720 --> 01:07:46,720 All kidding aside, I love you, Gordon. 913 01:07:48,400 --> 01:07:50,680 All kidding aside?! 914 01:07:50,680 --> 01:07:55,520 You should write, like, Valentine's cards. 915 01:07:55,520 --> 01:07:58,880 "All kidding aside, I love you." 916 01:07:58,880 --> 01:08:00,000 There you go. 917 01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:03,960 Exactly. 918 01:08:05,640 --> 01:08:08,880 Mwah. Look after yourself. 919 01:08:08,880 --> 01:08:10,640 I will. Bye-bye, safe travels. 920 01:08:10,640 --> 01:08:12,960 Yip, yip, bye-bye. Bye. 921 01:08:15,240 --> 01:08:16,280 Mm. 922 01:08:53,400 --> 01:08:55,520 Shawn's in quarantine for two weeks... 923 01:08:59,440 --> 01:09:02,720 ..which means he has to attend my next results appointment remotely. 924 01:09:43,760 --> 01:09:44,880 Knackered. 925 01:09:44,880 --> 01:09:46,440 Does Georgia know what today is, 926 01:09:46,440 --> 01:09:49,200 or does she just think you're coming through to see us? 927 01:09:49,200 --> 01:09:51,040 Erm... 928 01:09:51,040 --> 01:09:55,400 No, she knows that you're getting test results back. 929 01:10:06,920 --> 01:10:08,120 All good? Aye. 930 01:10:11,000 --> 01:10:12,440 Right, I take it we'll probably 931 01:10:12,440 --> 01:10:15,000 just be able to go clean through here then, eh? Hope so. 932 01:10:31,920 --> 01:10:33,080 Oo-yee. 933 01:10:38,960 --> 01:10:41,520 Hi there. Hey, Julie, how are you? 934 01:10:41,520 --> 01:10:43,640 Good thank you, you all right? Yeah. 935 01:10:43,640 --> 01:10:45,520 That's me just phoning Shawn, so... 936 01:10:48,840 --> 01:10:53,640 I'm Zoomed in and within, like, one minute of the phone call, 937 01:10:53,640 --> 01:10:58,040 a message pops up that his battery's low and I'm like, 938 01:10:58,040 --> 01:11:02,360 are you fucking kidding me? Like, are you fucking kidding me? 939 01:11:02,360 --> 01:11:03,400 But just... 940 01:11:13,720 --> 01:11:15,800 Right, where are we going now, then? 941 01:11:17,720 --> 01:11:19,560 Anywhere but a fucking hospital. 942 01:11:28,520 --> 01:11:31,520 # Yippity do da, yippity day 943 01:11:31,520 --> 01:11:34,680 # My oh my, what a wonderful day. # 944 01:11:36,400 --> 01:11:39,680 Right, it's good, right? But it doesn't warrant singing, OK? 945 01:11:47,280 --> 01:11:51,280 Ya-a-a-a-as! 946 01:12:00,600 --> 01:12:01,880 PHONE RINGS 947 01:12:08,040 --> 01:12:11,480 For once, I can tell you good news. 948 01:12:17,360 --> 01:12:18,800 The tumour... 949 01:12:18,800 --> 01:12:22,320 ..hasn't grown. It hasn't grown. 950 01:12:22,320 --> 01:12:24,760 Hasn't grown. POUNDS FIST: Has not grown. 951 01:12:50,600 --> 01:12:52,760 # Welcome home. # 952 01:12:52,760 --> 01:12:54,120 I call this room. 953 01:12:54,120 --> 01:12:55,160 GORDON LAUGHS 954 01:13:01,880 --> 01:13:03,240 Stop hitting me. 955 01:13:03,240 --> 01:13:05,600 I'm touching you. I'm touching you! 956 01:13:05,600 --> 01:13:06,760 You're hitting me. 957 01:13:50,120 --> 01:13:51,200 Want to go down? 958 01:13:55,480 --> 01:13:56,520 Missed. 959 01:14:02,280 --> 01:14:04,160 And then we roll into the sand... 960 01:14:04,160 --> 01:14:05,720 GORDON LAUGHS 961 01:14:05,720 --> 01:14:08,160 ..into the water, just like From Here to Eternity. 962 01:14:08,160 --> 01:14:09,760 Yes, you go first. You go first. 963 01:14:09,760 --> 01:14:11,160 No, no, you go first. 964 01:14:47,040 --> 01:14:48,400 CLATTERING 965 01:14:54,680 --> 01:14:58,320 Why have you put the sea salt at the back? 966 01:14:58,320 --> 01:14:59,920 Behind... 967 01:14:59,920 --> 01:15:02,920 Because otherwise you wouldn't have room to criticise me. 968 01:15:05,600 --> 01:15:07,080 There's two rosemarys. 969 01:15:09,600 --> 01:15:11,040 VOICE-OVER: Shawn's awesome. 970 01:15:11,040 --> 01:15:12,320 Shawn's more than awesome. 971 01:15:13,720 --> 01:15:18,000 And, of course, the story is not going to finish 972 01:15:18,000 --> 01:15:19,200 "and he's cured". 973 01:15:22,120 --> 01:15:26,600 So, of course, Shawn is in the Carers' Stories book too. 974 01:15:28,520 --> 01:15:30,080 THEY LAUGH 975 01:15:30,080 --> 01:15:32,960 VOICE-OVER: He was about to go back home, so it had to be done. 976 01:15:38,560 --> 01:15:41,480 Caregivers who have high distress 977 01:15:41,480 --> 01:15:44,960 also have changes in their immune system 978 01:15:44,960 --> 01:15:48,680 that can lead to flare-ups and autoimmune diseases, 979 01:15:48,680 --> 01:15:51,520 worsened glucose control in the body 980 01:15:51,520 --> 01:15:55,600 and increasing vulnerability to cardiovascular diseases. 981 01:15:57,200 --> 01:16:00,600 So look the fuck after yourself. 982 01:16:01,680 --> 01:16:03,680 Please. 983 01:16:03,680 --> 01:16:06,480 Well, I guess that's the whole thing, like, 984 01:16:06,480 --> 01:16:08,680 who cares for the carer, you know? 985 01:16:08,680 --> 01:16:09,720 Exactly. 986 01:16:13,840 --> 01:16:17,080 Because I can't... I can't rescue you, you know? 987 01:16:17,080 --> 01:16:18,600 And I can't fix this. 988 01:16:21,360 --> 01:16:23,080 I love making dinners for you, 989 01:16:23,080 --> 01:16:27,600 I love cooking for you, real things I can do, you know? 990 01:16:27,600 --> 01:16:29,160 Oh, you can do it. 991 01:16:29,160 --> 01:16:30,600 But I can't... 992 01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:33,280 I can't cure you, you know? 993 01:16:36,560 --> 01:16:41,640 The reality of that's hard. And that, that eats at me, you know? 994 01:16:45,280 --> 01:16:48,760 You know, originally, when we were together, 995 01:16:48,760 --> 01:16:50,560 you know, I had this... 996 01:16:52,920 --> 01:17:00,240 ..I don't know, like this playing the role of...of...you know, 997 01:17:00,240 --> 01:17:02,960 suitor and hero and... 998 01:17:07,000 --> 01:17:09,440 Like, caring for you is having to remember... 999 01:17:11,440 --> 01:17:14,440 ..like, although you're healthy and strong and all these, 1000 01:17:14,440 --> 01:17:16,200 that you still have a brain tumour. 1001 01:17:16,200 --> 01:17:17,560 Mm-hm. 1002 01:17:17,560 --> 01:17:19,880 And that impedes... 1003 01:17:21,240 --> 01:17:23,680 ..language, it impedes... 1004 01:17:25,440 --> 01:17:26,480 ..logic. 1005 01:17:28,760 --> 01:17:31,920 It impedes your ability to... Concentrate. 1006 01:17:34,080 --> 01:17:36,680 It happens when, you know, you can't find a word 1007 01:17:36,680 --> 01:17:38,840 and I really just have to bite my tongue 1008 01:17:38,840 --> 01:17:40,600 to not finish your sentences. 1009 01:17:40,600 --> 01:17:43,120 Or if you get dithery. 1010 01:17:43,120 --> 01:17:44,320 You know what I mean? 1011 01:17:44,320 --> 01:17:46,960 Like, it's just like, "Oh, my God, for fuck's sake." 1012 01:17:46,960 --> 01:17:48,760 Just like, argh! 1013 01:17:52,200 --> 01:17:54,720 Rather than seeing it, like it's... 1014 01:17:54,720 --> 01:17:57,760 I mean, it's just part of the tumour. 1015 01:17:57,760 --> 01:18:03,080 Right, and the part of the story that's not in your book so far 1016 01:18:03,080 --> 01:18:06,040 is like this slow... 1017 01:18:09,320 --> 01:18:12,200 ..inevitable crescendo... 1018 01:18:13,640 --> 01:18:16,600 ..to that acute moment where caretaking... 1019 01:18:19,360 --> 01:18:21,800 ..dominates life. 1020 01:18:23,080 --> 01:18:25,080 Yeah. 1021 01:18:25,080 --> 01:18:27,240 What I feel is... 1022 01:18:28,160 --> 01:18:29,440 ..a growing... 1023 01:18:32,040 --> 01:18:35,040 ..sense of what's coming. 1024 01:18:36,480 --> 01:18:38,080 Day by day by day. 1025 01:18:39,200 --> 01:18:43,960 You know, it started here and it's doing this, right? 1026 01:18:46,320 --> 01:18:49,120 So that's my biggest fear, is being... 1027 01:18:52,840 --> 01:18:55,240 ..not here for you and... 1028 01:18:56,400 --> 01:18:58,400 ..and then having to live with that 1029 01:18:58,400 --> 01:19:00,840 every single day of my life after that. 1030 01:19:14,680 --> 01:19:17,640 We are right here, right now. 1031 01:19:17,640 --> 01:19:20,480 I am right here, right now. I know. 1032 01:19:21,800 --> 01:19:24,760 It's natural we're having these thoughts. 1033 01:19:37,320 --> 01:19:40,400 Now I believe something will be sorted 1034 01:19:40,400 --> 01:19:42,440 when he does need to be in the country 1035 01:19:42,440 --> 01:19:46,120 when I do need to be cared for...heavily. 1036 01:19:48,160 --> 01:19:52,880 Shawn certainly identifies a difference between where we are now 1037 01:19:52,880 --> 01:19:55,720 and where it would be like... 1038 01:19:56,960 --> 01:19:59,440 ..nine months, six months, three months... 1039 01:20:00,480 --> 01:20:02,400 ..before my death. 1040 01:20:15,320 --> 01:20:16,920 BIRDSONG 1041 01:20:36,680 --> 01:20:38,480 85. 1042 01:20:47,200 --> 01:20:50,000 It fits what there is there, so... 1043 01:20:50,000 --> 01:20:51,040 Cool. 1044 01:20:52,080 --> 01:20:54,160 So, Gordon, here's the plan, right? 1045 01:20:54,160 --> 01:20:57,920 Your end there, 7.5 from the edge. 1046 01:20:59,800 --> 01:21:01,160 Do you know what I mean? 1047 01:21:01,160 --> 01:21:04,240 It can be a wee bit over but no under. 1048 01:21:04,240 --> 01:21:07,160 La-la-la-la... It doesn't have to be massively precise, 1049 01:21:07,160 --> 01:21:09,720 Gordon - look at the nick of it! 1050 01:21:09,720 --> 01:21:11,320 Just so long as it fits. 1051 01:21:18,640 --> 01:21:19,840 Mind your fing... 1052 01:21:43,400 --> 01:21:45,040 Cheers for coming along. Thank you. 1053 01:21:45,040 --> 01:21:47,360 It'll be life-size. 1054 01:21:47,360 --> 01:21:50,280 The folk will be able to like, lie down 1055 01:21:50,280 --> 01:21:51,640 and actually go in. 1056 01:22:10,040 --> 01:22:12,360 Congratulations. Congratulations. 1057 01:22:12,360 --> 01:22:15,240 Thank you for being here. Uh! 1058 01:22:15,240 --> 01:22:17,680 I love you, Gordon, I wish I were there in person. 1059 01:22:19,880 --> 01:22:21,240 You're here... I know. 1060 01:22:21,240 --> 01:22:22,840 I'm really, really proud of you, OK? 1061 01:22:22,840 --> 01:22:24,280 I'm really, really proud of you. 1062 01:22:25,480 --> 01:22:28,000 I am too. For once. Good. 1063 01:22:29,320 --> 01:22:31,800 As you should be. As you should be. 1064 01:22:31,800 --> 01:22:34,520 Enjoy your night, go schmooze with lots of people, 1065 01:22:34,520 --> 01:22:36,560 see if you can raise funds. 1066 01:22:36,560 --> 01:22:39,000 All right, love you, Gordon. Right, love you too. Bye-bye. 1067 01:22:39,000 --> 01:22:40,880 Bye-bye. Mwah. Bye-bye. Mwah. 1068 01:22:46,640 --> 01:22:47,680 Hey. 1069 01:22:50,280 --> 01:22:52,120 APPPLAUSE 1070 01:22:59,200 --> 01:23:00,520 Thank you all for coming. 1071 01:23:01,640 --> 01:23:03,840 It means a lot to me. 1072 01:23:03,840 --> 01:23:07,280 Especially for my brother and my nieces, 1073 01:23:07,280 --> 01:23:09,320 that means a hell of a lot to me. 1074 01:23:11,840 --> 01:23:13,560 I just wish Shawn could be here. 1075 01:23:15,480 --> 01:23:17,160 He is here, cos he's here. 1076 01:23:19,920 --> 01:23:21,320 I'll be going over there soon. 1077 01:23:23,720 --> 01:23:25,240 APPLAUSE 1078 01:23:23,720 --> 01:23:25,240 Thank you. 1079 01:23:27,520 --> 01:23:28,560 I'm happy. 1080 01:23:29,720 --> 01:23:32,320 But the sadness is there, 1081 01:23:32,320 --> 01:23:33,760 perhaps in equal measure. 1082 01:23:35,320 --> 01:23:39,520 It's like having two distinct experiences... 1083 01:23:39,520 --> 01:23:42,360 ..at the exact same time. ..at the exact same time. 1084 01:23:42,360 --> 01:23:44,080 But I'm still here. 1085 01:23:45,080 --> 01:23:46,680 Eight years later. 1086 01:23:48,800 --> 01:23:50,840 I feel guilty. 1087 01:23:50,840 --> 01:23:52,840 I feel guilty that I'm still here 1088 01:23:52,840 --> 01:23:55,760 after putting everyone though all this pain and grief. 1089 01:23:58,240 --> 01:23:59,640 And to make things worse, 1090 01:23:59,640 --> 01:24:02,840 I'm going to be putting them back through this again one day. 1091 01:24:02,840 --> 01:24:04,440 Hey, Gordon! How you doing? 1092 01:24:06,600 --> 01:24:09,080 I kind of want to apologise to everyone. 1093 01:24:11,080 --> 01:24:13,560 But instead, I'll just say... 1094 01:24:15,920 --> 01:24:16,960 ..thank you. 1095 01:24:20,640 --> 01:24:21,920 Hello. 1096 01:24:21,920 --> 01:24:22,960 Hello. 1097 01:24:24,440 --> 01:24:27,280 Olivia just wants to pat this dog. 1098 01:24:27,280 --> 01:24:28,520 Which one? Just turn round. 1099 01:24:29,840 --> 01:24:31,480 Ah. 1100 01:24:31,480 --> 01:24:34,040 You need to ask permission. 1101 01:24:34,040 --> 01:24:35,880 My niece wants to pat your dog. 1102 01:24:35,880 --> 01:24:37,400 Sure, yeah. Is that OK? 1103 01:24:37,400 --> 01:24:38,800 Oli... He's friendly. 1104 01:24:39,880 --> 01:24:41,720 VOICE-OVER: In the past few years, 1105 01:24:41,720 --> 01:24:44,400 I've seen some of the happiest moments I've ever had. 1106 01:24:46,440 --> 01:24:49,800 Perhaps simply because you change the way you look at life. 1107 01:24:51,720 --> 01:24:54,480 You notice the beauty around you more. 1108 01:24:54,480 --> 01:24:56,640 What kind of dog is he? 1109 01:24:56,640 --> 01:24:59,040 VOICE-OVER: I try to acknowledge the good times, 1110 01:24:59,040 --> 01:25:00,840 places when I'm in them. 1111 01:25:00,840 --> 01:25:02,720 A year old?! Oh, my gosh. 1112 01:25:02,720 --> 01:25:07,240 VOICE-OVER: I'll take a small mental picture of the moment, the people, 1113 01:25:07,240 --> 01:25:11,840 the sounds, the smells, the light. 1114 01:25:11,840 --> 01:25:14,640 GORDON: I know quite a good pizza place. 1115 01:25:16,320 --> 01:25:17,800 VOICE—OVER: It can release you. 1116 01:25:24,080 --> 01:25:28,800 I am actually in a really good place at the moment. 1117 01:25:29,800 --> 01:25:33,160 Finding good all around me. 1118 01:25:35,960 --> 01:25:38,920 So, Long Live My Happy Head. 1119 01:26:03,640 --> 01:26:05,600 RUSTLING 1120 01:26:19,560 --> 01:26:20,600 What?! 1121 01:26:22,400 --> 01:26:24,080 Wow! 1122 01:26:25,080 --> 01:26:26,120 Whoa. 1123 01:26:27,760 --> 01:26:30,240 I love you. I love you too. 1124 01:26:44,080 --> 01:26:47,640 I've been so moved by the carers I've met. 1125 01:26:48,880 --> 01:26:52,600 To hear their stories, in their own words 1126 01:26:52,600 --> 01:26:56,400 and see the artwork they inspired, 1127 01:26:56,400 --> 01:26:58,400 go to... 1128 01:27:02,120 --> 01:27:05,040 ..and follow the links to the Open University.