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Proovime kohe forte ’s,
kaks korda, viimane noot on pikk.
Ja siis tulete teie sisse…
Ja siis lõpuosa.
Hea küll, salvestame.
Üks, kaks, kolm.
Who said that painting your walls was a relaxing and exhilarating activity?
I think it’s a real pain. You have to look up...
And spend half the time putting on your damned gloves.
Ned, mida sa süüa tahad? – Ma söön burgerit.
Kurat!
Anna mulle lihtsalt märku ja juhised…
Kui sa süüa tahad, siis meil on hamburgerit.
Ma just mälun seda praegu.
Jah, muidugi.
Ma räägin imeliku häälega, sest mul on suu sinu burgerit täis.
Kas ma võin ühe ampsu võtta? – Jah.
See on hea burger.
Kas kõik on korras?
Only here do I get a reaction like the one by that Estonian producer,
who said that I was unpleasant to look at on stage.
It may seem like a far-fetched idea
that female musicians are treated differently in Estonia.
It didn’t matter that I had won four Danish Music Awards,
that I have…
I’m lost for words.
When will I be good enough to be just Maria Faust, fidgety, as I am?
How am I supposed to play the saxophone wearing high heels and keeping my legs together?
How can I fucking balance myself like that?
It’s physical work.
Inside the suit I am sweltering.
It’s hard work.
You can’t do it like this…
I guess I can park here.
I refuse to give in to the idea that this issue has been exhausted.
We’ll keep talking about it until things start getting better.
Domestic violence is not a subject that you see often in art.
There are other feminist subjects, but…
If you can write a book about domestic violence and harassment,
you can also write a musical piece about it.
I’d like to write Mass of Mary not in order to find solutions,
or to give instructions on how to break the chain,
but as a filtering process,
and I’d just like to dedicate one of my works to those who really need it.
To those who don’t feel safe at home.
The moment someone starts pressuring me into doing something, I can’t take it.
Why should pressuring someone be normal, maybe it’s not normal.
Maybe.
I get that from my mum.
Any kind of pressure from someone makes me do the opposite.
If I’m being pushed to play a role…
My first husband, as soon as we were married, changed.
Suddenly. I was given a role.
For some reason, joy disappeared from my life at once,
and then I only had my duties.
He wasn’t Estonian, or Russian, he was Danish.
These roles have stayed universal.
It is what it is.
I don’t really worry about it, life just keeps going on.
If you’d had eight husbands,
you wouldn’t think about the fact that all men are useless.
No, I don’t think that all men are… as my grandma used to say…
Pigs? – No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I’m sure it’s possible…but I haven’t succeeded, and so be it.
So be it.
Ma olen pillikeel. – Sa oled pillikeel?
Häid jõule!
I can’t describe him with just one word.
Maybe... that he’s incredibly spirited.
He’s smart, but there are certain things he cannot solve.
If he sees an obstacle, he can’t see past it.
But I like the way he knows how to dream.
Without limits.
He’s positive, and I’m negative. I’m a pessimist.
Maybe that’s what I like the most.
He also knows how to calculate,
but he doesn’t know how to make money, or count it.
He’s more of a spender.
These are the Grammys.
This is the highest one.
One is missing.
And let’s not forget about the styling gel.
Show me the Lifetime Achievement Award, please. – The so-called one.
I’ve always wondered which one looks the most hideous.
The one sitting on the toilet, the critics award,
or this one.
In terms of their appearance. What they represent is great.
Here’s the one from Jazzkaar, and other Estonian ones.
They’re…
They’re so heavy.
I’d always had a plan.
I was waiting for the time when they would start playing my music.
But that time never came.
In my child’s mind,
I understood that maybe I’d have to play music by others first,
and then it would be my turn, but that time never came, not even at the academy.
Nobody wanted to play my music,
and nobody saw why it should even be an option.
I just remember that, as a child,
it really annoyed me that nobody addressed me as a musician.
It made me angry.
My feelings were hurt
and I didn’t understand why I wasn’t taken seriously.
Kas sa tead, kus veepudel on?
Siin! Võid selle täita.
Puru vajub põhja ja saad kasutada.
Võiks teha nii, et plaadi ühel poolel on kasutatud efekte, aga teisel mitte.
Heli ei ole veel töödeldud.
Üks pool olekski ilma.
Jah, aga minu arvates annaks miksimine palju juurde.
Kombineerimine.
Mõtle sellele, kuidas me räägime,
kui edastame mingit sõnumit või esitame argumente.
See on mõjusam, kui esitusviis on vaheldusrikas ja tõmbab tähelepanu…
Jah, aga peab lugu jutustama. – Ja.
Lugu ei pea jutustama niiviisi…
seda võib jutustada ka nii…
Tõsi, aga üks viis, kuidas seda teha, on hoida need osad lahus.
See osa oleks täiesti eraldi, sest mulle on hakanud meeldima,
kui on ainult saksofon.
See kõlab ümbritsevaga kokku.
My career is on thin ice anyway.
If I announced that I‘ve been terribly abused, raped, traumatised,
everybody’s reaction would be: “Really?
Maybe you are craving more attention?
Maybe your music is not strong enough?”
I don’t need that.
My music is very strong.
To come to terms with all of that, I make music.
I dedicate myself to it every time.
Mass, Organ, Machina,
that’s just one phase of my trauma stories.
The trauma is not mine—I filter what is around me, not myself.
Have you been raped?
I have.
Yes, I have.
But I think that every other woman can say that.
It leaves a mark on you for the rest of your life.
“Why are you always so pessimistic?”
“Why are you always this or that?”
Because you analyse each and every compliment.
I think about why the person is paying me the compliment.
It’s really sick.
People pay me sincere compliments,
but it makes me freeze.
The worst thing is that I’m part of the chain that keeps silent.
I won’t jeopardise my career.
I moved away,
and, for me, the most important thing is
that I can continue with my work as much as possible.
If I brand myself as a victim, I will remain one.
But I’m not a victim.
Organ tähendab kehaosa.
Mul ei olnud plaanis kirjutada kiidulaulu oma vagiinale, aga…
Kui ma hakkasin seda kirjutama,
tekkis sama tunne, mis tantsuklubis.
Ainus, mis võimust võtab, on see…
Sa ei kahetse midagi.
See on nii oluline osa naise kehast.
Kõik algas hormoonidest, arusaamisega sellest, kes sa oled,
ja mil määral hormoonid määravad meie olemuse.
Mul ei ole piisavalt kõrge östrogeenitase
ja kui ma seda juurde võtsin,
muutus mu iseloom tundmatuseni.
Mul oli täiesti suva muusikast, meestest.
Kell 7.30 hommikul võis mind leida küüsi värvimas,
kui ma östrogeeni võtsin.
Siis ma mõistsin, kui palju see muudab.
Hello! Yes, are you downstairs?
OK, I guess that’s the easiest way.
It’s pointless to make any decisions now.
It’s unbelievable how…
You can see that your partner is having a hard time,
but you still have a go at them.
I’d never have thought that the subject matter of Mass would keep haunting me.
As with In the Beginning...
It ended with the same topic that we had started with,
the topic of forgiveness,
and we’d never have thought that we’d have to deal with forgiving
after finishing the work,
and I’d never have thought I’d have to go through this.
Writing a piece about domestic violence, and experiencing its escalation myself.
Shaking turned into choking, so eventually I had to call the police.
I’ve never experienced that before.
Did it turn violent? – Yes.
He didn’t hit me.
He pinches and pushes me.
And won’t let me sleep. He’s harassing me.
He keeps waking me up, he keeps calling everyone,
filming me when I’m in bed, from every angle.
It’s constant abuse.
Fortunately, the last two times there were other people present.
Otherwise, I’d think I was imagining it.
You lose track.
A violent relationship is not bad all the time.
It’s not like I’m being beaten by a drunkard.
Usually I just let him do what he wants,
then there’s an explosion and he comes back.
Right now there’s nothing happening.
If you start thinking about it…
If I start hesitating before saying that I love him,
it means that I don’t.
I won’t express any opinions right now,
because I’m not in a good place in my life.
I’ve just lost my friend Esta, my mum is in the intensive care unit.
The timing is terrible for making these decisions.
I’ll wait until I can think straight.
Emotionally, I’m used to it.
I’m very emotional. I don’t make decisions in a state like this.
I always wait it out and think it over.
I’m still not sure that we can work it out.
It’s just so good to live alone.
We’ll see.
It’s hard to explain, but to put it bluntly…
The farmer may want a wife,
but Estonian women have to search for someone to hook up with.
You just can’t get laid here.
I don’t know how women in Estonia cope.
If you ask someone directly, you get this shocked reaction.
A woman is not expected to make the first move.
It makes me feel stupid,
as if I’ve said something indecent.
Younger men hit on me, send texts at night,
but when I ask them directly what they want,
I get a vague reply.
It’s confusing. Anyway, I don’t care, the shop is closed now.
What would Ned think of your search?
I’m not searching for anything. It’s just an observation.
I just notice these situations…
I like observing people, too…
Basically, I haven’t seen my husband since April.
Should I just fucking pack up a part of me? Come on!
I’ll get back to work now.
They’re building something there, I guess.
You can hear the pounding.
Yeah, I’ve also heard some buzzing.
I can even change up to second gear here.
Keep this open.
How many times have I started my life over?
I won't give up.
In your right hand.
That’s how you unfold it.
Listen carefully.
That’s how it unravels.
Put this on the first flag.
From below? – No. From above.
On the first flag.
Here, put this down. And place it like this.
Hold it, and start going.
Wait, don’t go yet. I won’t come with you.
You won’t, but I had it in the bucket earlier.
Let’s see if I can untangle it.
And now? So now I just hold it?
Of course, you just hold it.
Is the water warm? – It’s very warm, and makes me want to dive in.
Now it’s tangled up.
But I did it!
Oh, it’s still attached to me!
There’s always a good chance it will go to shit.
No, I don’t think it will.
There’s a good chance it will all go to shit.
It won’t be a big loss. – It might still all go to shit.
I started fishing here locally.
I remember you bringing the ide fish. Unbelievable amounts of it.
It was the time of the restoration of independence.
Food was scarce; there were no jobs.
So I collected bottles at the beach and went fishing.
I found an old fishnet, with hoops.
The first net went missing with a storm.
I walked up and down the shore crying, looking for it.
First I thought it had been stolen,
but no, it must’ve been the storm that rolled it away.
I don’t recall being hungry as a child.
Weren’t you fed up with the fish?
Once I saw Grandma crying.
She was sitting at the table,
sobbing, saying I was so thin and pale,
and that I hadn’t been fed any pork or beef for two years,
just potatoes and fish.
That my skinny legs looked like hockey sticks.
I wish she could see me now!
“As skinny as a beanpole!”
I don’t know why she took it so hard…
We had everything we needed.
I have to call Finnair.
Right now?
Let me see what time it is.
Tomorrow it’ll be Friday already.
Shit.
They don’t open until 9.
Turns out there’s still a fine of 9,600 for violating the quarantine.
Fuck.
I would’ve wanted to take the risk.
Shit, I just can’t give the concert without Ned.
I’ll have to sacrifice my relationship.
That’s it!
What do you mean? He’ll be here.
We haven’t sorted out our issues.
He’ll be here for the concerts only.
During the concerts, I’m not the Maria from the relationship.
I’m the Maria who bosses others around, I’m the band leader.
It’s not the same.
It’s a shame he won’t be able to be here in our home in Estonia.
That really sucks.
Well, well!
It’s because I drink beer and eat sweets,
so it gets all sticky inside.
I did think that was it. That I’d had enough.
You can’t continue if you don’t have any energy, but now I have my energy back.
It tends to fall back into the old rut.
Nothing really changes.
I did think about the patterns— I’m seeing a psychoanalyst—​​
about breaking free of my patterns.
My pattern is the older sibling pattern.
I do all the tasks myself.
It was the one who raised Ned as a loafer.
I did everything myself. It took less time.
I can cook better, I can organise better.
Eventually he just stayed in bed.
I shouldn’t be shocked and wonder how this is even possible.
In the end you realise you were the one who enabled it.
It was a strange time.
The majority of my classmates and friends didn’t have their fathers around.
We had strange families, with grandmothers and mothers,
while men moved between families.
Their own kids were raised by other men,
while they were raising someone else’s kids.
This circling around was…
Now we have blended families, but I don’t know what you’d call that.
It was a bizarre situation.
That’s the bassoon.
OK, I’ve put something down.
Time for a break again.
The one thing I’ve learned is that the more I write down the better.
It leaves me more material to choose from.
Sound to me is memory.
I can remember it, fortunately.
Even when I listen to these songs,
I can remember why I was singing,
or where I was singing, and where the melody is from.
This is from…
A friend of mine has a bathroom with ventilation pipes that sound like that.
Exactly like that.
It would be cool to…
You take different homes,
with their bathrooms and those whistling sounds,
and have all the pipes interact with each other.
The home would be a symbol in Mass. And the pipes.
Tšau!
Me isegi ei näe teineteist!
Kas me ka suudleme?
The good life!
So much better than a hotel.
How are things with Ned?
I don’t know.
We’ll find out in the bedroom.
I guess we’ll find out soon.
For four months, we haven’t been able to sleep together.
We’ll have to sort that out first.
Being faithful is not as important to me as being loyal.
These are two different things for me.
In every relationship there are bumps in the road.
It’s never perfect.
There’s all kinds of shit.
I’m too hard on Ned, according to him.
Kas said?
Mida sa tõid? – Burgereid.
Suurepärane. Alkoholi? – Ei.
Pole midagi. Joome vett.
Ma hakkasin juba sööma. – Sul on juba süüa!
It’s the small things that are annoying.
Like the way he blows his nose.
Why would you blow your nose like you’re playing the trombone.
Who blows their nose like that?
It’s things like that.
We could ask him what irritates him about me.
Ma tahan sult midagi isiklikku küsida.
Meile mõlemale käivad teineteise juures närvidele mingid väikesed asjad.
Näiteks, kui sa nuuskad,
teed sa palju lärmi.
Ma vihkan seda.
Aga minu juures? – Sa oled täiuslik.
Ma võtsin seda, mida neil oli.
Kas sa oled näljane? – Olen.
Kas ma võtan taldriku? – Loomulikult.
Sa oled täiuslik, polegi midagi.
Oo, kas tõesti?
Ma mõtlen seda tõsiselt.
Ma söön tihti kana voodis ja voodialune on pidevalt kanaluid täis.
See on ju hea, sest siis ei pea mina seda sööma.
Ma söön voodis.
Aa, et kas see ajab mind närvi? – Jah.
Ma ei mäleta, milline sa voodis oled.
Mis mäng see selline on?
Mul on midagi kõrvas.
Imelik, ma ei oskagi enam kellegi kõrval magada.
Kellegi? – Sinu kõrval.
See saab huvitav olema, kui oled pikalt üksi maganud.
Ma küll ei kavatse oma patja jagada.
Üks, Kaks, kolm. Jah, nii on õige.
Plaks peab olema selge.
Esmalt teevad kõik nii. – Jah.
Ja siis lisame järgmise kihi. – Jah.
Aasta parim eksperimentaalalbum on... The winner of Experiment of the Year is…
Maria Faust Sacrum Facere „Organ”! Maria Faust Sacrum Facere with Organ!
Siin on sulle su päris oma lelu! Here’s your very own toy!
Mul ei ole tegelikult suurt midagi öelda, I don’t know what to say,
sest olen väga õnnelik. Because I’m really happy.
Tahan öelda, et see asi siin I want to say that this thing
on tagumikku pistmiseks liiga suur, is too big for shoving up my ass,
aga võin hiljem proovida. But I can try later.
Tahan tänada I’d like to thank
Peter Littauerit ja Søren Friisi Peter Littauer and Søren Friis
plaadifirmast Stunt Records, oma bändi from Stunt Records, my band,
ja suurim tänu muidugi kõigile teile. and the greatest thanks goes to all of you here, of course.
Kas teil on valget veini? Have you got any white wine?
Mis maa oma? Where is it from?
Meil on ainult ühte sorti valget. We only have one type of white wine.
Ahah, no siis seda. OK, I’ll have that.
I’ll take a selfie.
Fuck.
Ma olen su üle nii uhke.
Ma lähen pissile.
See pole üldse külm...
Kas tõesti? – Aga mulle meeldib.
Kas see on IPA, Ned?
I’m very sorry.
Buy a new one.
“This is the happiest devil I have.”
Topelt-IPA. Või lausa kolmekordne?
I’d get drunk much faster.
Kontsert oli keskpärane.
Seal oli kaks huvitavat esinejat, mõlemad naised.
Ülejäänu oli pask.
Kas ma võin ühe lonksu võtta?
I’m a very good cook, for example,
but I’m very bad in bed.
Always full of contrasts.
How can that be?
The only thing that lights me up is music.
I can’t hide the fact that the only thing that interests me
is drama in music.
Ned has already gone to bed.
I can see that it’s hard for him.
He’s always my plus-one.
Believe it or not, everybody has their ambitions.
That’s why he drinks, I think.
I suspect that’s the reason he drinks.
Kuidas on?
Tahaks narkotsi. – Oh ei!
Tema on see mässumeelne meie peres.
Ma armastan sind.
I don’t have to listen until the end, I already know what’s wrong.
It sounds too frantic and the beginning is unbalanced.
We’ll have to do it again. – We’ll redo it anyway.
There’s no point in listening until the end,
because it has the same problem throughout.
Yes, a little too fast.
It should be as if it’s flying, not fluttering.
I’m writing Mass of Mary,
a composition both including narrative and conceptual components,
and consisting of multiple parts.
Typical of masses,
it contains text in Latin, but there’s also text in Estonian.
I’ve been inspired by how our world
is built on violence and hierarchy.
I have taken the role of someone who filters,
but doesn’t offer solutions and doesn’t criticise.
Kui keegi arvab, et meil pole võrdne suhe…
Sellised suhted ei toimi kunagi.
Meie suhtes pole ebavõrdsust.
Ned võib-olla ei…
Ma olen väga teotahteline. – Muide, ma olen siinsamas.
Ma olen väga teotahteline, aga see ei tee minust võimukat inimest.
Ma kohe aevastan.
Sest sa valetad.
Hea küll, ma nüüd lõpetan oma mõtete jagamise.
Ära lõpeta.
Ma ütleks, et oleneb, kus me oleme.
Kui me oleme Eestis, olen vägagi Maria Fausti mees.
Aga siin on hoopis teine lugu! – Siin võib olla nii ja naa.
USAs on Maria olenevalt meie asukohast Ned Fermi naine.
Mulle täitsa sobib olla lihtsalt Maria Fausti mees.
Minu jaoks ei ole probleem olla mingis mõttes anonüümne.
Ma olen sellega küll harjunud, aga siiski on vahel veider,
kui mind teistele tutvustades ütled:
„See on minu abikaasa ja ka tema mängib saksofoni.”
Siis ma tunnen,
et küll on tore, et sa abiellusid mehega, kelle hobi on saksofonimäng.
Ma peaksin seda muutma. Mida ma peaksin ütlema?
See pole üldse seotud… See on lihtsalt selline olukord…
Sa oled töötanud peamiselt koos oma bändidega
ja ka mina olen osa sellest.
Aga ma olen alati olnud sideman.
Selles osas oleme erinevad. – Mina pole sideman.
Ma pole kunagi olnud sideman. – Just.
Aga mina olen alati olnud sideman.
Ma olen rahul selle rolliga. Minu jaoks on loomulik,
et pean pingutama selleks, et leida aega omaenda muusika jaoks.
Siis ma suudan ka edaspidi
toime tulla olles lihtsalt sideman.
Lihtsalt juhtus nii, et need kaks aastat
olid tõenäoliselt mu elu kõige raskemad aastad. – Jah.
Pidin leppima olukorraga, et ma ei saa lapsi.
Et ma ei saa kunagi perekonda, millest tegelikult unistasime.
Me küll eitame seda.
Siiski mõjus rängalt uudis, et me ei saa lapsi.
See on näide olukorrast, milles me oleme küll mõlemad,
kuid ebavõrdselt erinevates rollides.
Me pidime sellega leppima…
Harva saad kindla eitava vastuse olukorra kohta,
mida sa ise muuta ei saa.
Enamasti ei ei tähenda ei.
Aga kui tegemist on meditsiiniga…
Teadusega ei saa ju vaielda.
Ma olen oma hingesopis alati teadnud,
et see ei ole minu jaoks.
Kui sa saad hormoonravi, pole sa enam sina ise.
Minu isiksus muutus täielikult.
Mitu asja juhtus samal ajal: põhimõtteliselt lapse kaotus,
sõbra Esta kohutav surm.
See oli mu elu kõige kurvem periood.
Ainult kaotused.
Ma ei teagi, kuidas kirjeldada seda sügavat kurbust,
mille keskele ma maandusin.
So, what’s new in Tallinn?
Jack shit. – What?
Jack shit. We’re sitting too far away from each other.
There was nothing in Tallinn.
I wonder if they’re back from Tallinn. They wanted to sell their flat.
In Lasnamäe? It will sell fast.
You think so? – Definitely.
Apparently bedroom communities are very popular.
There’s something I’ve been thinking about since November.
Everywhere you see people emphasising how important it is to stay humble.
It makes my blood boil.
How long should I stay humble?
What does it mean exactly to be humble?
It means to be grateful.
Grateful?
It makes me violent.
I feel like I want to kick someone.
Should I be humble and grateful knowing that now is my time?
Now that I feel I’ve taken off,
I have to stay humble?
Who for? Because I could lose it all any day?
I don’t think that way.
The music included in the film is from the albums.
Organ, Mass of Mary and MOnuMENT by Maria Faust.