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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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<i>[upbeat music]</i>

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>♪ ♪</i>

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<i>[cheers and applause]</i>

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<i>- Y'all, give it up</i>
<i>for Marlon</i>

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<i>Wayans!</i>

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- How the fuck
we doing, people?

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We good?

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all: Yeah!

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- Yeah,
it's a good-looking crowd.

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I like seeing niggas in suits.
It's beautiful.

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Hollywood.

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No, I love Hollywood,
but this shit is tough.

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Y'all don't understand.
This is--like, tonight,

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we creating opportunities,

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because--yeah.

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[cheers and applause]

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You know, I was lucky
when I came to California.

20
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,952
I had mentors, right?
I had people to help me

21
00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:20,997
in the game,
like John Singleton, right?

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[cheers and applause]

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00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,420
I remember John sat me down.

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00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,631
We was at Eddie Murphy's house.

25
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,967
Yeah, I flossed
on y'all niggas hard, huh?

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I threw it away, too.

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"Yeah, I was at
Eddie Murphy's house,

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"and Denzel
was on his way over.

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And Oprah was in the kitchen
cooking chicken, and..."

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No, but we sat down
at Eddie's house,

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and he told me--he said,

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"What you doing out here,
young man?" I was 18.

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I said, "I'm moving out here
to be a actor."

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He said,
"No, you a Black actor."

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And I was like,
"No, I'm an actor."

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He said,
"No, you're a Black actor.

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"And if you gonna be
a Black actor in Hollywood,

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"I want you to understand
something, young brother.

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"There's no work for you
in Hollywood.

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00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,835
"So if you're gonna
be Black actor,

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00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:11,840
"I need you to be a writer,
a producer, a creator.

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00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:14,509
[applause]

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And then you can create work
for your Black actor to work."

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[cheers and applause]

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00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:25,770
And because of John Singleton,

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I have written, starred,
and produced...

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[cheers and applause]

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Over 21

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terrible fucking movies.

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[laughter, applause]

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And so tonight,
I got this opportunity

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to bring
my brothers to the stage,

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that helped me down when I was
doing standup comedy.

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I love each and every one
of these people up here.

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They're some of my
favorite comedians.

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They've toured with me
all over the world.

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And they opened,
and I was the headliner.

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00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:04,350
But tonight,
they're the headliner.

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Y'all gonna have
an amazing show.

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I want you to laugh,

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have a fucking great time,
drink, be merry.

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This first comedian,
he was on shows like "Rel"

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and "Black Lady Sketch Show."

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His animal voiceovers
are all over social media.

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They have millions of views.

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He's originally from Chicago.

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Give it up for my brother,
Mr. Tony Baker.

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[cheers and applause]

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<i>♪ ♪</i>

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- What's up, y'all?
Hey.

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Okay. Okay. All right.

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Hey. Thank you. Let's go!

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Yo, y'all clapping
for a cat person.

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I want you to know that.
I'm a proud cat person.

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I'm a straight man
that enjoys women and cats.

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Proud of who I am, man.

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This the new look
of the cat people.

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Sick of y'all judging
cat people, man.

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Cats is dope.

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00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:28,893
Know what I'm saying?
Y'all be loving dogs.

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00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:34,524
Y'all love dogs to death,
but they sold out to the man.

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They be doing whatever
we want them to do.

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I can't respect
a animal like that.

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Yeah! Yeah! Whatever you need!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

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Booties be moving
for no reason.

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Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You're home!

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Cats give you space
when you get home.

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They ain't even looking at you
when you walk in the door.

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They be looking at the wall,
like, "This shit right here.

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This wall? Hell yeah."

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I like that, man.

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Dogs be working for the feds.

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Soft.

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Soft. They be snitching.

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You know how many prisoners
hate dogs right now?

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Here are the drugs!
Here are the drugs!

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Here! Oh, there's more here!
There's more here! Oh, yeah!

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Oh, yeah! Yeah!

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Oh! Oh! Oh, here as well!

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Snitching.
That's what y'all respect?

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They ain't gonna get
no information from the cats.

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"Cats, are there drugs here?"
Man, fuck that.

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This wall right here.
This wall.

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This what I'm talking about.
Hell yeah.

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Cats do the opposite
of what you tell them to do.

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Can you imagine a cat
working for the cops?

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Detective Mittens?

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Sergeant would be pissed off
at him every episode.

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"Mittens, my office, now!"
Man, fuck that.

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"Well, stay out there, then."
I'm coming in.

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Imagine a cat
homicide detective.

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He be working on his own clock.

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Bodies just decomposing
on his watch.

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He show up to the scene late.

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Rodriguez. Purr. Purr.

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What do we got?

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"We called you six hours ago."
Man, shut up, man.

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How long
the body been out here?

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"It's been out here
for about eight hours now."

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Hey, I'll be the judge of that.

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[laughter]

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That's about eight hours, man.

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Y'all love dogs, man.

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They was chasing us down
when we were slaves.

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Dogs was in on that shit.

126
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A cat ain't never hunted us
down on the slavery tip.

127
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Cats just watched us
running north, like,

128
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"Yeah, get yours. Get yours.
This wall, though.

129
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I want you to see this wall
right here before you go."

130
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Harriet Tubman hate dogs, man.

131
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I want Harriet Tubman
on that goddamn money.

132
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I want Harriet Tubman
on every goddamn bill.

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I want her on the 1, the 2,
the 5, the 10, the 20,

134
00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:34,704
and the 100.
Make it all Harriet.

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00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:36,956
But she ain't gonna have
no different facial expressions

136
00:07:37,039 --> 00:07:38,708
on the--on the monies, though.

137
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Harriet Tubman
ain't never smiled a day

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in her goddamn life.

139
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Every picture of Harriet
is serious business.

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She going...

141
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For real,
take the goddamn picture, man.

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I'm trying
to save lives out here.

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You got it? Good, man.

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I would feel bad if Harriet
was on the bills, though.

145
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I would feel
about my purchases.

146
00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:01,314
Like, if I was buying
some bullshit,

147
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that's a lot of judgment
from Harriet.

148
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I ain't ready for that.

149
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,652
Oh, this what we buying
right here?

150
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:09,030
Cigarettes, huh?
That's what we doing?

151
00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:12,241
You had to have
strong lungs in my day

152
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,952
so you could make it up north,
but this what you doing.

153
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,831
You making it rain
at the strip club,

154
00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,958
she judging you
on the way down.

155
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,878
Oh, that's what
we doing out here.

156
00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:26,714
That's what we doing out here?
We making it rain, huh?

157
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Now I'm getting twerked on?
That's what's happening?

158
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I'm a scaredy cat too.

159
00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:37,433
I'll admit that.
I be scared, man.

160
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The dudes be acting like
they don't never be scared.

161
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I be scared.

162
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:43,272
You ever be scared
when you're home alone?

163
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Ain't nobody else
at the house?

164
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:46,859
You ever just
freak yourself out?

165
00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,277
You watching "Forensic Files,"

166
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:49,612
and then you hear
something in the house.

167
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You go, "Oh, shit."

168
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,453
You ever mute the TV 'cause
you know you heard something?

169
00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:03,918
Don't mute that TV.
Leave it on, man. I get silent.

170
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:05,962
When I hear a noise in the
house, I don't make a sound.

171
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,214
I be like, "You ain't gonna
find my ass."

172
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:11,259
'Cause people be talking
too much when they scared.

173
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:15,012
They be revealing
their location to the killer.

174
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,682
You be like, "Jamal?

175
00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:19,767
"Jamal, is that you?

176
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,978
Jamal, why you
always walking in--"

177
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,190
Killer got to find me.
I'm fading into the closet.

178
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,818
They don't know the layout
of the house like I do.

179
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:31,696
Like, they ain't gonna find me
in this goddamn closet.

180
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:35,700
They don't know.
I be shook at the house, man.

181
00:09:35,783 --> 00:09:37,034
Hey, whatever noise you heard,

182
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,619
it's even worse
when you got pets,

183
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:42,164
because whatever you heard,
they heard it too.

184
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,666
Now you really shook.

185
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:46,002
When the cat is looking
down the hallway, like...

186
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:53,050
He my concern too,

187
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:54,677
'cause he standing
on his back legs.

188
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,971
That's when you know it's real.

189
00:10:00,182 --> 00:10:02,268
And they don't speak English,
so you can't get the intel.

190
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:03,894
Like, what you seeing,
Midnight?

191
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:10,192
You shook in the room.

192
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:12,528
Even worse if you got a dog
on the first floor,

193
00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:13,779
you on the second floor.

194
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:16,324
You hear the dog
barking downstairs,

195
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:18,909
scariest shit of all time.

196
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,703
That dog downstairs
barking, like...

197
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,997
[barking]

198
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,082
Baxter.
[barks]

199
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,835
Then Baxter get quiet
on your ass.

200
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,670
That's when it's real.
When he get quiet?

201
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,589
[barks, yelps]

202
00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:34,550
Baxter. Baxter!

203
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:41,057
I got guns in here.
I got guns in here.

204
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,559
You ain't got no guns.
You butt ass naked.

205
00:10:43,642 --> 00:10:45,519
You just got out the shower.

206
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,897
You prime real estate
for the murder.

207
00:10:50,649 --> 00:10:53,694
I'm scared of cracked doors
in the house.

208
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,655
I don't like cracked doors
in the house, man.

209
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:59,700
That shit got to be all the way
open or all the way shut,

210
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,535
but you ain't gonna be cracked.

211
00:11:03,704 --> 00:11:05,164
The crack is too creepy, man.

212
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:07,917
You be freaking yourself out
in the crack.

213
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,628
The door crack, you be like,
"Who just walked past?

214
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,338
Who peeking in here?"

215
00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:16,300
'Cause the peek-in is the most
terrifying shit of all time.

216
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:19,136
The peek-in?
When you just see this?

217
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:27,311
I would die just
from the peek-in.

218
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,146
You ain't even got
to come kill me.

219
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,606
I'm already dead.

220
00:11:30,689 --> 00:11:35,444
Once we lock eyes,
my two to your one, I'm out.

221
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,447
I'm like, "Oh, oh, oooooooh!"

222
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,118
Dead.

223
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:44,286
Cops gonna show up
to the crib like,

224
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,497
"Rodriguez, what do we got?"

225
00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:48,290
Tony Baker. Died.

226
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:52,336
No sign of a struggle.
Ah, but the door's cracked.

227
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,130
"The Door Crack Killer
strikes again.

228
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:55,631
"Goddamn it!

229
00:11:55,714 --> 00:11:58,134
Rodriguez, man, we gotta do
something about this."

230
00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:04,014
I don't like closed
shower curtains in the crib.

231
00:12:05,724 --> 00:12:09,770
I check the curtain
every goddamn time.

232
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,647
I'm checking that curtain.

233
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:12,982
I ain't just going
in the bathroom

234
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,692
without checking the curtain.

235
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:16,193
You don't know
who back there, man.

236
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:19,113
It could be pranks,
murders, I don't know.

237
00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:21,031
I'm checking
that goddamn curtain.

238
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,533
I be playing it up
like I ain't about

239
00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:24,118
to check the curtain,
I be singing.

240
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:27,621
♪ Ooh, thunder only happens ♪

241
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,999
Shing!
What the hell's going on?

242
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:32,835
You ain't killing my ass
in here on the toilet.

243
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:35,504
Tell you that right now,
Shower Curtain Killer.

244
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:38,507
'Cause y'all be in the--
y'all be on the toilet

245
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,967
with the utmost confidence

246
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:42,344
like you ain't gonna
get your throat cut.

247
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,100
Y'all necks be out,
just prime real estate

248
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:51,020
for the throat slice.

249
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,063
You'll be going--shing!
"Oh, no! No!

250
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,107
Oooooooooh!

251
00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:00,029
Now you done fell in between
the toilet and the sink.

252
00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:02,239
You face down, booty up.

253
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:06,785
Face down, booty up,
all up in...

254
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,544
That's your body.

255
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:18,589
Whole police force
gonna be in that bathroom.

256
00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:20,925
Oh, goddamn it,
what do we got?

257
00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:23,177
Rodriguez. Ah.

258
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,262
"Face down, booty up.

259
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:26,764
Look like
he didn't check the curtain."

260
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:28,057
God damn it!

261
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:30,643
The Shower Curtain Killer
strikes again.

262
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:32,770
You face down, booty up, man.

263
00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:34,230
They gonna have photographers
in there

264
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,689
taking pictures of that.

265
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:39,068
That's how you gonna be
on "Forensic Files."

266
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,861
They gonna be like...
[imitating camera snapping]

267
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,696
It's gonna be...

268
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,740
[imitating camera snapping]

269
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:51,247
They always got the multiple
cheek shot on "Forensic Files."

270
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,460
They gonna have your booty
all up at the precinct,

271
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,754
on the big screen,
trying to solve the case.

272
00:13:58,837 --> 00:14:03,592
We got Tony Baker, face down,
booty up.

273
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,928
Do we got any leads?

274
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:07,596
"Look like he didn't
wipe good, Captain."

275
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,099
You can that shit, Rodriguez!

276
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:11,600
This is serious.

277
00:14:15,479 --> 00:14:18,274
And check the back seat
when you drive the car.

278
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:19,858
Check the back seat, man.

279
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,945
Y'all don't be checking
the back-back.

280
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,905
'Cause one of the scariest
shits of all time,

281
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,574
you look in
that rearview mirror,

282
00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:29,618
you see this behind you.

283
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,203
What you gonna do?

284
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:33,289
I'm gonna play it off
like I didn't see him.

285
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,541
That's my plan.

286
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:39,753
I'm be like, "Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

287
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:43,465
Oh, oh, oh.

288
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:46,302
I'ma put some gospel on,
maybe soften his heart.

289
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:48,804
♪ We fall down ♪

290
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:52,725
♪ But we get up, oh, yeah ♪

291
00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:56,687
My name's Tony Baker, man.
Thank you so much.

292
00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:59,982
Cerain Baker! Let's go!

293
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:03,694
[cheers and applause]

294
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:15,664
- My man, keep it going
for Tony Baker, please.

295
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,504
That's beautiful, man.

296
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:24,548
Seeing my man, my boys,
get off like this.

297
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:27,384
This shit is beautiful, man.
They all protested me

298
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:30,054
when I told him--
I said we should wear suits.

299
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,014
I told you, I'm not trying
to make comedians.

300
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,974
Y'all already comedians.
I want to make stars.

301
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:37,186
You know what I'm saying?

302
00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:38,604
In order to be stars, you gotta

303
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,314
affect them white folks
at home, you know.

304
00:15:40,397 --> 00:15:43,400
They look at the TV.
Oh, it's safe to watch this.

305
00:15:45,235 --> 00:15:46,862
They don't even call us
niggas no more.

306
00:15:46,945 --> 00:15:49,698
Those negroes
are wearing suits.

307
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,868
I'm proud of everybody
doing this shit.

308
00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:54,370
And you guys are a great crowd.

309
00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,038
Give yourself
a round of applause.

310
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,540
[cheers and applause]

311
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,793
Y'all ready to keep it going?

312
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,089
We're gonna bring up
our next comedian.

313
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:10,427
He was on such classic films
as "The Haunted House,"

314
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,346
"50 Shades of Black."

315
00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:19,978
He's straight out of
Vallejo, California.

316
00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:26,652
Give it up for my brother,
Mr. DC Ervin.

317
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:29,697
[cheers and applause]

318
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:36,704
<i>♪ ♪</i>

319
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,543
- Marlon Wayans.

320
00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,253
Let him hear it, y'all,
let him hear it.

321
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,839
[cheers and applause]

322
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:48,716
Make no mistake,

323
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:51,093
I'm gonna do
very fucking well tonight.

324
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:53,846
Ain't no way in hell

325
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:56,098
I'm gonna bomb
in half a tuxedo.

326
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:00,436
I ain't even want
to wear this shit.

327
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,771
Marlon made me do it.

328
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,023
He was like,
"DC, we finna do something big.

329
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,608
You gotta put on a suit."
I was like,

330
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,277
"Man, I can't really
move around in a suit, man."

331
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,112
He was like, "Trust me,
it's gonna look good."

332
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:11,739
Then he told me how much money
he was gonna pay me.

333
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,407
I started preaching to him.
"Hey, look, nigga,

334
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,117
"if you stay ready,
you ain't got to get ready,

335
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,870
"'cause this shit right here
is very fucking flowy.

336
00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:19,872
"It's, like--
it's, like, elastic.

337
00:17:19,955 --> 00:17:21,999
You feel it, baby?"

338
00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:23,917
'Cause I'm not even
a suit type of dude.

339
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,836
I'm more of a
Ross/TJ Maxx-ass nigga.

340
00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:29,381
That's where I be at.

341
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:32,968
You can find some shit at Ross.
You just gotta look.

342
00:17:33,051 --> 00:17:36,555
It be dirty as hell in there.
All the deals be on the floor.

343
00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:38,849
You be like, "Here go
the pants right here."

344
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,944
You just can't try
no shoes on at Ross.

345
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:53,697
That string be fucking you up.
You be like...

346
00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:57,868
"Can somebody cut this, please?

347
00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:00,454
Who the fuck is stealing
soccer shoes?"

348
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,709
I hate when I got on a shirt
from, like, a cheap-ass place,

349
00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:08,337
and somebody else
got the same shirt on,

350
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:10,506
and they make an announcement.
They be like, "Walmart?"

351
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,883
You be like,
"Shut the fuck up, nigga.

352
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,761
I didn't get this shit
from Walmart."

353
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:17,221
Yes, you did.

354
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:19,765
It was right next
to the bananas.

355
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:27,523
Oh, man, can't wait
to get my money up.

356
00:18:29,107 --> 00:18:30,692
I'm about to move.
I got an apartment.

357
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,736
Y'all got houses?
Y'all doing better than me?

358
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:38,659
My walls too thin.

359
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,369
Neighbors be fighting
all the damn time.

360
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:43,038
They fight, and then they fuck.

361
00:18:43,121 --> 00:18:45,916
They fight, and then they fuck.

362
00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:47,918
Loud as shit.

363
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:49,086
Two gay dudes.

364
00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:51,547
[yelling] Oh!

365
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:54,216
Oh!

366
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:57,302
Daddy!

367
00:18:57,386 --> 00:19:01,723
I be mad as fuck.
I can't jack off to this shit.

368
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,226
It's too aggressive.

369
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,853
I tried.

370
00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:11,650
And it's nice
and diverse in here.

371
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:14,653
That's important, right?
We gotta stick together, y'all.

372
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:17,072
We do. We gotta stick together.
That's important.

373
00:19:17,155 --> 00:19:18,907
They trying to divide us.
Pay attention.

374
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,367
They trying to divide us.
We gotta stick together.

375
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:21,743
That's why, when it's time
to get out there

376
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,203
and march and protest,

377
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:24,830
we all gotta get out there
and do it.

378
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:26,456
Y'all gotta get out there
and march for each other.

379
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:28,083
That's very fucking important.
Yeah.

380
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:29,835
[applause]
'Cause I'm not going out there.

381
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:32,254
[laughter]

382
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:33,755
I don't go to nobody protests,

383
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,009
especially in L.A.
They be beating everybody ass.

384
00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:39,094
You take your ass to a protest,
you gonna get fucked up.

385
00:19:39,177 --> 00:19:40,554
My white neighbor
went to a protest.

386
00:19:40,637 --> 00:19:43,932
He got his ass beat.
He came back racist.

387
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,643
Nigga, where the fuck
was you at, my nigga?

388
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,944
These niggas ripped my shirt.

389
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,530
This nigga's shirt
said "BL" on that bitch.

390
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,037
Racism ain't going nowhere.
Y'all think it's gonna stop?

391
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,663
all: No.

392
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,832
- Nah, it ain't going nowhere.

393
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:11,084
I know how we can slow it down.

394
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:15,422
We gotta make
racial profiling legal.

395
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:18,467
Shh. Shh. Shh.

396
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,470
But it gotta be fair.

397
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,347
So whatever crime your race

398
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:25,807
or nationality known
for doing...

399
00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:30,812
Police pull you over,
they can fuck with you.

400
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,481
Innocent? You go home. Guilty?

401
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:34,983
Get your ass in that car.
They pull me over.

402
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:38,111
Hey, how you doing, buddy?
Any crack in your car?

403
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:40,948
Behind on your child
support payments?

404
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,283
No?

405
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,868
Keep it moving.

406
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:48,789
They get a Latino.
Hey, my friend.

407
00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:52,084
You wouldn't happen to have
your green card on, would you?

408
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:55,712
You an American citizen?
You're good to go.

409
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:57,047
Then get a white dude.

410
00:20:57,130 --> 00:20:59,424
Hey, buddy,
I hate to do this shit.

411
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:02,010
Few child predators
in the area, and uh...

412
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,556
You wouldn't happen to have
your computer on you,

413
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,100
would you?
We just want to make sure

414
00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:10,769
there's no fucking kiddie porn
on that shit.

415
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:17,609
Look at y'all,
got all tight and shit.

416
00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:20,445
"Don't talk about racism."

417
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:24,241
Laugh at this shit.

418
00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:26,159
If you don't laugh,
you gonna stress out.

419
00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:29,162
If you don't laugh,
you gonna stress the fuck out.

420
00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:30,497
I promise.

421
00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:33,083
Yeah, suicide and depression
and anxiety,

422
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:35,711
right now, is at all-time high.

423
00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:38,005
Check on your strong friend.

424
00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:44,094
I'm not talking about
those motherfuckers

425
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:46,596
that announce it every weekend.
"I'm gonna kill myself again."

426
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,100
Shut the fuck up.

427
00:21:50,183 --> 00:21:51,560
"Kill myself again."

428
00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:54,771
I'm talking about them
quiet people, subdued,

429
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,189
the people that
looking like they happy.

430
00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:57,816
Them the people
we need to check on.

431
00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:59,818
I'll never forget,
my daughter was 12 years old,

432
00:21:59,901 --> 00:22:02,195
threaten to kill herself.
Broke my heart.

433
00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:04,573
All-all because I brought
her the wrong pair

434
00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:06,575
of tennis shoes home.

435
00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:10,954
She said, "Dad, what are those?

436
00:22:11,038 --> 00:22:12,831
"I can't wear those.

437
00:22:12,914 --> 00:22:15,876
They gonna tease me at school.
I'm gonna get bullied."

438
00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:18,170
I said, "What?
That's all I can afford."

439
00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:21,506
She said, "No. Uh-uh.

440
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,884
"I don't want
to be here no more.

441
00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:29,056
I want to die.
I want to kill myself."

442
00:22:29,139 --> 00:22:31,099
I say, "Look here, Ivy.

443
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:32,434
"If you do that shit,

444
00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:34,561
"don't you do that shit
in this house.

445
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,815
"I ain't finna come home,
find your goofy ass

446
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:42,027
"spinning around
on the ceiling fan.

447
00:22:42,110 --> 00:22:44,905
"You done made the house
all haunted and shit.

448
00:22:44,988 --> 00:22:47,532
"Your little weak ass ghost
knocking over shit.

449
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:48,950
"You up there turning around

450
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:51,578
"like the last hot dog
at 7-Eleven.

451
00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:03,048
Put these fucking Skechers on
and take your ass to school."

452
00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:10,680
And last year, she graduated
from Spelman University.

453
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:14,601
[cheers and applause]

454
00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:17,521
And her sister Avane
will graduate this year.

455
00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:19,523
Ain't God good?

456
00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:23,652
Yeah, people stressing out.
That's why they resorting to,

457
00:23:23,735 --> 00:23:25,904
like, you know,
substance abuse and shit.

458
00:23:25,987 --> 00:23:27,864
Fucking with crack and meth,
all that bullshit.

459
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:30,659
Anybody ever try
some real shit, crack or meth?

460
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:33,495
[laughter]

461
00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:39,626
What's worse, crack or meth,
if we had to do it?

462
00:23:42,420 --> 00:23:46,967
Oh, y'all acting all bougie?
Hypothetical.

463
00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:50,720
Let's say I came
in this room with a gun,

464
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:52,514
both them drugs in my hand.

465
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:54,975
Okay, motherfuckers, you gonna
try one of these fucking drugs.

466
00:23:55,058 --> 00:23:56,935
Crack or meth?
What it's gonna be, bro?

467
00:23:57,018 --> 00:23:58,353
- Crack.

468
00:23:58,436 --> 00:24:01,565
[laughter and applause]

469
00:24:07,445 --> 00:24:10,157
- Yeah, I'ma fuck
with the crack, too, bro.

470
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,993
Crack seem more healthy
than meth, don't it?

471
00:24:13,076 --> 00:24:14,536
That meth,
that's some different shit.

472
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:16,329
Get some crack,
you gonna steal some shit.

473
00:24:16,413 --> 00:24:19,332
You'll steal from anybody.
My uncle stole from my grandma.

474
00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:22,043
That's some low shit.
That's bad right there.

475
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:25,046
But meth, you probably fuck
around and steal your grandma.

476
00:24:26,923 --> 00:24:28,216
You show up to the drug dealer.

477
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:29,843
I got this bitch.

478
00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:38,852
This my nana.

479
00:24:40,854 --> 00:24:42,522
$10.

480
00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:48,528
Hey, if I was addicted
to something,

481
00:24:48,612 --> 00:24:51,489
I wouldn't give a damn.
I'd do it everywhere.

482
00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:53,909
If I was on heroin,
I'd get on this goddamn stage.

483
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:55,994
Make some motherfucking noise!

484
00:25:08,673 --> 00:25:11,676
Put your needles in the sky.
You ready to turn the fuck up?

485
00:25:15,639 --> 00:25:17,224
Y'all hella funny.

486
00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:20,393
Yeah, I'm gonna
do this shit forever.

487
00:25:20,477 --> 00:25:23,897
'Cause I'm good at it.
I know I'm good at this shit.

488
00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:25,273
Yeah, I know that.

489
00:25:25,357 --> 00:25:27,067
[cheers and applause]
No, no, no, no, no.

490
00:25:27,150 --> 00:25:29,069
No, no. No, no, no, no.
I say that--I say that lightly

491
00:25:29,152 --> 00:25:30,946
because it's a lot
of people out there

492
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:32,280
that ain't good
at what they do,

493
00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:33,907
and they keep doing that shit.

494
00:25:35,325 --> 00:25:36,868
You see somebody that
ain't good at something,

495
00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:39,120
tell them to stop.

496
00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:41,331
I had a cousin that be boxing.

497
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:46,628
He getting his ass beat.

498
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:47,796
Shh. Everybody be quiet. Shh.

499
00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:51,258
Don't make a sound. Shh. Shh.

500
00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:52,842
This how quiet it be in the car

501
00:25:52,926 --> 00:25:55,053
with a motherfucker
that got his ass beat.

502
00:25:58,723 --> 00:26:00,809
'Cause you don't know
what to say.

503
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:02,227
I had to break
the ice one time.

504
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:03,812
I was like,
"Why you tell us to come?

505
00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:08,149
Don't invite people to some
shit you ain't good at."

506
00:26:10,610 --> 00:26:12,237
My auntie had t-shirts made.

507
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:15,156
I said, "I ain't
wearing that shit."

508
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,285
He on front of the shirt
like he be winning and shit.

509
00:26:21,746 --> 00:26:23,081
She said, "Why you don't
want to wear a shirt?"

510
00:26:23,164 --> 00:26:24,499
'Cause it don't represent
what the fuck

511
00:26:24,582 --> 00:26:26,334
that be happening
to him in the ring.

512
00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:28,336
If he was on front
of the shirt like this...

513
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:33,842
Extra large, let me get two.
He be getting hit hella hard.

514
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:35,302
One time, he got hit so hard

515
00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:37,637
he started playing
another sport in the ring.

516
00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:45,312
He thought he got fouled.
He went to the free throw line.

517
00:26:53,403 --> 00:26:57,032
Hey, I'm DC Ervin.
Rest in peace, Cerain Baker.

518
00:26:57,115 --> 00:27:00,285
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Appreciate it.

519
00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:02,996
[cheers and applause]

520
00:27:03,079 --> 00:27:08,168
- Give it up for my brother,
DC Ervin!

521
00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:18,219
DC Ervin. Love that boy.
Funny dude.

522
00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:20,805
But he a hypocrite-ass,
nigga, though.

523
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:22,265
'Cause he's
a halfway germaphobe.

524
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:24,059
He's one of these niggas
that, you know,

525
00:27:24,142 --> 00:27:27,354
proclaim to be a germaphobe,
but nigga, are you really?

526
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:29,397
Like, ever since COVID,
this nigga walk around,

527
00:27:29,481 --> 00:27:31,649
he got the antibacterial gel
in his hands,

528
00:27:31,733 --> 00:27:34,277
he wiping the shit off,
he got the wipes,

529
00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:36,154
he be wiping shit down.

530
00:27:36,237 --> 00:27:39,032
This nigga wears two mask.

531
00:27:39,115 --> 00:27:40,283
Two mask.

532
00:27:41,451 --> 00:27:43,078
But he's still
fucking bitches raw.

533
00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:47,874
And I'm just so confused
by this.

534
00:27:49,751 --> 00:27:51,002
Nigga, you scared of COVID

535
00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:54,255
but you ain't afraid
of STDs, nigga?

536
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:56,091
All right, we gonna
keep this going.

537
00:27:56,174 --> 00:28:00,970
This next comedian,
I have no idea who she is.

538
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:03,431
Apparently, she was on
"Wild 'N Out."

539
00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:06,726
She was on Tiffany Haddish's
"They Ready."

540
00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:13,191
She is the funniest dude
in my family.

541
00:28:15,610 --> 00:28:19,531
Y'all get up for my baby,
Miss Chaunté Wayans.

542
00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:22,575
[cheers and applause]

543
00:28:22,659 --> 00:28:29,749
<i>♪ ♪</i>

544
00:28:32,127 --> 00:28:35,922
- What up, California,
aw, yeah!

545
00:28:39,968 --> 00:28:42,137
You doing good?
This nigga looking at me like,

546
00:28:42,220 --> 00:28:45,682
"Who is this dude
with titties onstage?"

547
00:28:45,765 --> 00:28:48,601
I know what I look like.
You know what's crazy?

548
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:50,019
I'm not gonna lie.

549
00:28:50,103 --> 00:28:52,647
I thought dudes
would stay hollering at me.

550
00:28:52,730 --> 00:28:56,151
I thought I would
never lose with dudes.

551
00:28:56,234 --> 00:28:57,819
That is not the case at all.

552
00:28:57,902 --> 00:29:01,156
It's only two types of dudes
that still try to holla at me.

553
00:29:01,239 --> 00:29:04,534
That's New Yorkers and Indians.

554
00:29:04,617 --> 00:29:05,910
The only two types of niggas.

555
00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:07,704
'Cause New Yorkers
don't give a fuck.

556
00:29:07,787 --> 00:29:09,372
They see you, they be like,
"You see that chick right there

557
00:29:09,456 --> 00:29:11,833
"with the hoodie bubble coat,

558
00:29:11,916 --> 00:29:14,419
"the fitted with the hoodie
on top and the skully?

559
00:29:14,502 --> 00:29:17,213
That bitch got nice tits
right there."

560
00:29:17,297 --> 00:29:20,425
You be like, "Damn,
how you see all that?"

561
00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:26,931
And Indians? Whoo, Indians.
I get two types of them too.

562
00:29:27,015 --> 00:29:29,100
I get the dudes
that walk like this.

563
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:33,062
They just be looking
for they prey.

564
00:29:33,146 --> 00:29:35,565
They be hunting.
Like, I don't care who it is.

565
00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:38,359
They-they look like they never
been told in they life.

566
00:29:38,443 --> 00:29:42,864
Them and 7-Eleven
Indians love me.

567
00:29:42,947 --> 00:29:45,867
When I say love me,
I could go into the store

568
00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:48,369
full throttle stud outfit,
okay?

569
00:29:48,453 --> 00:29:49,954
Looking like a whole dude.

570
00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:53,750
They look at me, they be like,
"You have boyfriend?"

571
00:29:53,833 --> 00:29:58,213
I'll be standing there like...
[inaudible]

572
00:29:58,296 --> 00:29:59,797
Like, "No, I don't
have boyfriend."

573
00:29:59,881 --> 00:30:02,050
They like, "Why you don't
have boyfriend?"

574
00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:05,011
Like, some free Fritos,
I don't have boyfriend.

575
00:30:05,094 --> 00:30:07,430
How about that?

576
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:09,349
They love me.

577
00:30:11,392 --> 00:30:14,854
Nah, I knew--I knew when was
the last day I said fuck dudes.

578
00:30:14,938 --> 00:30:16,523
I knew.
'Cause everybody-everybody

579
00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:18,107
always want to know the story.

580
00:30:18,191 --> 00:30:21,361
What? What? Who hurt you?
Who was the dude that did it?

581
00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:23,738
And I'll tell you,
when I was in high school,

582
00:30:23,821 --> 00:30:26,324
I dated this dude
in special ed.

583
00:30:26,407 --> 00:30:28,785
[groans and laughter]

584
00:30:28,868 --> 00:30:31,579
Chill out. Give me a chance.

585
00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:34,457
Dated this dude in special ed.
His name was Darrell.

586
00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:36,376
Flyest dude
in special ed class.

587
00:30:36,459 --> 00:30:39,087
Half of the--
half of the school, too, okay?

588
00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:41,256
Nigga always had
the latest Jordans on.

589
00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:43,758
His legs were like this,
like, in a forever pose.

590
00:30:43,841 --> 00:30:47,512
But he was laced.
Haircut and everything.

591
00:30:47,595 --> 00:30:49,639
I used to see him
in the hallways all the time.

592
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:51,015
He used to be like,
"Yo, Chaunté.

593
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:53,434
Let me walk you to class."

594
00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:55,562
And I was like, damn,
this man is smooth.

595
00:30:55,645 --> 00:30:57,397
He's like, "No,
I really talk like this.

596
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,232
Let me walk you to class."

597
00:31:01,276 --> 00:31:03,611
Now, let me tell you
something, fellas.

598
00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:06,239
There's this thing
called persistence.

599
00:31:06,322 --> 00:31:09,617
He was very persistent
and adamant

600
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:11,119
about trying to date me.

601
00:31:11,202 --> 00:31:12,829
So for jokes, I say,
you know what, I'll date him.

602
00:31:12,912 --> 00:31:14,163
You know what I mean?

603
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:15,456
This is cute,
you know what I mean?

604
00:31:15,540 --> 00:31:16,833
Get a little dude.

605
00:31:16,916 --> 00:31:19,043
And the crazy thing was,
as I started dating him,

606
00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:21,796
I realized how amazing
of a man he was.

607
00:31:21,879 --> 00:31:23,840
He used to always
get out of school,

608
00:31:23,923 --> 00:31:28,303
or class, early, so he was
always picking me up on time.

609
00:31:28,386 --> 00:31:31,014
Nigga used to get out,
have free lunch.

610
00:31:31,097 --> 00:31:33,474
I used to get
the fresh square pizzas,

611
00:31:33,558 --> 00:31:35,518
just ready, waiting for me.

612
00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:37,145
He's like,
"What you need, Chaunté?

613
00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:39,814
I got you."

614
00:31:39,897 --> 00:31:42,400
Y'all ain't shit.

615
00:31:42,483 --> 00:31:43,651
Let me tell you why.

616
00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:45,278
'Cause I dated him
for two weeks,

617
00:31:45,361 --> 00:31:46,988
and I don't know
what it is about women,

618
00:31:47,071 --> 00:31:49,490
but when you see somebody
with somebody

619
00:31:49,574 --> 00:31:51,826
you don't think
they supposed to be dating,

620
00:31:51,909 --> 00:31:53,620
y'all always want them too.

621
00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:56,414
And two weeks later,
I caught him cheating on me.

622
00:31:56,497 --> 00:31:57,915
[audience oohs]

623
00:31:57,999 --> 00:31:59,417
Real talk. I caught him.

624
00:31:59,500 --> 00:32:01,336
I was like, "Yo, who the hell
is this chick?"

625
00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:04,714
He was like, "Hold on, Chaunté.
She understand me. She under--"

626
00:32:04,797 --> 00:32:06,257
She in the back of him, like,

627
00:32:06,341 --> 00:32:09,218
"Yeah, bitch,
I got your man, bitch."

628
00:32:11,346 --> 00:32:13,931
Did you just cheat on me
with another--

629
00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:19,937
My home boy like, "Yo,
don't give up on the fellas.

630
00:32:20,021 --> 00:32:21,648
You just need somebody,
a special dude."

631
00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:24,067
I was like,
"Nigga, I literally...

632
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:30,281
Just tried to date
a special dude."

633
00:32:31,949 --> 00:32:33,576
It's fucked up.

634
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:37,622
I hate traveling.

635
00:32:37,705 --> 00:32:39,499
I hate traveling
'cause I don't trust TSA.

636
00:32:39,582 --> 00:32:43,711
TSA never finds the shit
that they supposed to find.

637
00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:46,464
Real talk. Prime example.

638
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:49,050
Took my girl
out of town with me.

639
00:32:49,133 --> 00:32:51,594
Wanted to be a little freaky,
so I brought my strap.

640
00:32:51,678 --> 00:32:52,595
- Yeah!

641
00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:54,472
- She said, "Ayoh."

642
00:32:54,555 --> 00:32:55,932
If y'all don't know
what that is, ladies,

643
00:32:56,015 --> 00:32:57,433
I'm sure y'all got
a few of them

644
00:32:57,517 --> 00:32:59,268
in your drawers next to you,
and, uh,

645
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:01,104
fellas, it's like
forgetting your penis at home,

646
00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:02,730
pretty much.

647
00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:04,732
I told her--I said,
"Baby, I'ma bring it with me."

648
00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:06,234
She's like, "You gonna put it
under the plane?"

649
00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:07,694
I was like, "For what?

650
00:33:07,777 --> 00:33:09,195
"We might want to get
freaky in the airport,

651
00:33:09,278 --> 00:33:11,114
so I'ma put that shit
in my bookbag."

652
00:33:11,197 --> 00:33:13,574
The whole night,
I kept thinking TSA

653
00:33:13,658 --> 00:33:15,243
is gonna pull my shit out.

654
00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:17,412
So I'm practicing with my girl.
I'm practicing my shit.

655
00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:19,539
I'm like, "Baby, pull it out.
Let's practice."

656
00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:21,207
She pull it out.
She's like, "What is this?"

657
00:33:21,290 --> 00:33:24,210
I'm like, "That's my dick.
What you think it is?"

658
00:33:24,293 --> 00:33:25,878
I was like,
"Oh, that was too aggressive?

659
00:33:25,962 --> 00:33:28,756
My bad. That is my penis, sir.
Can I get it back?"

660
00:33:30,466 --> 00:33:33,594
Practice this all night.
Get to the airport.

661
00:33:33,678 --> 00:33:37,056
My bag go through TSA.
Bag go through TSA.

662
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,392
They push it aside.
I look at my girl.

663
00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:43,813
I go, "Baby, this is it.
My dick."

664
00:33:43,896 --> 00:33:49,986
The dude go in my bag
and pull out a can of tuna fish

665
00:33:50,069 --> 00:33:52,113
and say, "What is this?"

666
00:33:52,196 --> 00:33:55,533
I said, "There's a whole dick
in my bag.

667
00:33:57,201 --> 00:33:58,578
The fuck?"

668
00:34:00,037 --> 00:34:01,789
That was too graphic
for you, sir?

669
00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:03,207
You like,

670
00:34:03,291 --> 00:34:05,752
"I ain't come here to hear
about fake dicks, okay?"

671
00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:12,300
I don't know if y'all saw me.
Forgive me, but y'all seen me

672
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:15,511
trying to stretch my lips
over my teeth.

673
00:34:15,595 --> 00:34:19,432
I got braces.
Got braces at a old-ass age.

674
00:34:19,515 --> 00:34:20,808
I was like, fuck that shit.

675
00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:23,895
I don't care if I was 102
with two teeth.

676
00:34:23,978 --> 00:34:25,813
I'll be like, "Baby,
put some braces on that

677
00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:27,482
and put them together."

678
00:34:30,443 --> 00:34:32,153
But I'm cheap.

679
00:34:32,236 --> 00:34:35,406
And, uh, there's one thing
you shouldn't be cheap about,

680
00:34:35,490 --> 00:34:37,325
is your teeth.

681
00:34:37,408 --> 00:34:43,748
My dumb ass went to--
it's the opposite of Eastern.

682
00:34:43,831 --> 00:34:46,501
I went to Eastern Dental.

683
00:34:46,584 --> 00:34:49,670
If y'all don't know
what this is.

684
00:34:49,754 --> 00:34:51,631
It's like the Dollar Tree
of dentistry.

685
00:34:51,714 --> 00:34:55,760
This place should be called
Students of Eastern Dental.

686
00:34:58,179 --> 00:35:00,681
I go there the first time.

687
00:35:00,765 --> 00:35:02,058
Crazy thing is,
I feel like this shit

688
00:35:02,141 --> 00:35:03,518
is following me everywhere.

689
00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:06,854
Walk up in there.
Everybody got a disability.

690
00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:10,399
I'm all for equal opportunity,
but not on my damn mouth.

691
00:35:11,651 --> 00:35:15,780
First dude that started working
on my teeth, his hand shook.

692
00:35:15,863 --> 00:35:17,573
I don't know
if you had braces before,

693
00:35:17,657 --> 00:35:19,575
but they got to put
this little ass band in

694
00:35:19,659 --> 00:35:21,244
while holding a sharp object.

695
00:35:21,327 --> 00:35:24,580
So he's sitting there,
getting in my teeth,

696
00:35:24,664 --> 00:35:26,874
and blaming me.
He's like, "Keep still."

697
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:28,835
I'm like, "Nigga, it's you!"

698
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:32,588
Went to the front desk
to complain.

699
00:35:32,672 --> 00:35:34,674
She's like, "Don't worry
about it, I got you."

700
00:35:34,757 --> 00:35:36,926
Switched it up, next dude,
I thought was being polite.

701
00:35:37,009 --> 00:35:39,387
He was like, "Right this way.
Right this way."

702
00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:41,764
Sat down. Nigga had one arm.

703
00:35:43,015 --> 00:35:46,185
I paid for a two-arm thing,
okay?

704
00:35:48,813 --> 00:35:50,565
And now I'm pissed.
I want my money back.

705
00:35:50,648 --> 00:35:51,816
I go up to the front desk.

706
00:35:51,899 --> 00:35:53,276
I'm like, "Ma'am,
I want my shit."

707
00:35:53,359 --> 00:35:54,652
Arguing with her.

708
00:35:54,735 --> 00:35:56,320
She--listen,
when you give your money away,

709
00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:57,905
ain't no way in hell
you really getting it back,

710
00:35:57,989 --> 00:36:00,074
especially from a place
like Eastern Dental.

711
00:36:00,157 --> 00:36:01,868
You just not getting the shit.

712
00:36:01,951 --> 00:36:05,955
She act like--she actually
pretended to call corporate.

713
00:36:06,038 --> 00:36:07,582
I don't know
what number she dialed,

714
00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:08,958
'cause she wasn't
looking at the phone.

715
00:36:09,041 --> 00:36:10,918
She was like,
"Boop. Boop. Boop."

716
00:36:11,002 --> 00:36:13,963
She was doing the sound
effects and everything.

717
00:36:14,046 --> 00:36:15,339
I said, "Man, you playing me.

718
00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:17,425
Let me talk to
the fucking manager."

719
00:36:17,508 --> 00:36:18,843
I go sit down in the office,

720
00:36:18,926 --> 00:36:20,636
wait for the manager,
the manager come in.

721
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:24,557
And all I hear is,
"Chaunté Wayans?"

722
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:27,602
I said, "Darrell?"

723
00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:29,687
Hey, my name is Chaunté Wayans.

724
00:36:31,522 --> 00:36:35,234
Hey, Cerain. Ned too.
I love you, bros.

725
00:36:41,782 --> 00:36:44,243
- Give it up for my baby,
Chaunté Wayans.

726
00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:47,455
[cheers and applause]

727
00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:52,835
I'm so happy, man.

728
00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:54,962
I'm happy to have her
back in my life.

729
00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:59,258
Yeah, because she stopped
talking to me for two years.

730
00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:01,719
Because I farted on her lap.

731
00:37:04,305 --> 00:37:08,893
And all I could think was,
how stink was my fart

732
00:37:08,976 --> 00:37:12,355
for you to not talk to me
for two years?

733
00:37:12,438 --> 00:37:14,231
And it was
an aggressive fart too.

734
00:37:14,315 --> 00:37:18,027
It wasn't like a...
[blows air]

735
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:20,696
I sat on her lap
and went, "Blop! Blop!"

736
00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:27,954
- The fart came on stage
with me.

737
00:37:29,580 --> 00:37:31,999
I literally had to go,
"Hey, I'm Chaunté Wayans.

738
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,543
This is Marlon fart.
Give it up."

739
00:37:38,339 --> 00:37:41,175
- Here's the funniest part.
I farted on her lap.

740
00:37:41,259 --> 00:37:43,636
"Blop!" She was like,
"That's disgusting!

741
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:46,597
I'm a lady!"
I said, "Bitch, since when?"

742
00:37:50,268 --> 00:37:52,311
Yo, keep this going.
Y'all having a good time?

743
00:37:52,395 --> 00:37:55,523
[cheers and applause]

744
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:58,526
All right, this next comedian
he's so funny, man,

745
00:37:58,609 --> 00:38:03,114
he was the winner of TBS comedy
competition "Funniest Wins."

746
00:38:03,197 --> 00:38:06,283
He's written for shows
like CBS' "The Neighborhood,"

747
00:38:06,367 --> 00:38:10,913
NBC's "Marlon,"
and HBO "Game Theory."

748
00:38:10,997 --> 00:38:13,457
Straight out of Fort Worth,
Texas.

749
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:19,088
Give it up for my man,
Mr. Sydney Castillo.

750
00:38:19,171 --> 00:38:23,050
[cheers and applause]

751
00:38:23,134 --> 00:38:29,890
<i>♪ ♪</i>

752
00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,393
- What's up, L.A.?
Make some noise. How we doing?

753
00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,645
Make some noise, man.

754
00:38:34,729 --> 00:38:36,480
Yeah, man. Looking good.

755
00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:39,608
I got a suit on, man.
Feeling myself, dog.

756
00:38:39,692 --> 00:38:43,154
I'ma go in somebody DM tonight,
know what I'm talbout?

757
00:38:43,237 --> 00:38:45,740
Listen, I'm all for going into
DM, but when you do it, man,

758
00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:47,742
you gotta have confidence,
dog, swag.

759
00:38:47,825 --> 00:38:49,326
Go in there with a purpose.

760
00:38:49,410 --> 00:38:50,619
Like, "What's up?
My name's Sydney.

761
00:38:50,703 --> 00:38:52,747
"I'm trying
to change your life.

762
00:38:53,914 --> 00:38:57,168
"You got a boyfriend?
Hmm. That's cute.

763
00:38:57,251 --> 00:38:59,754
"What's it say on your taxes?

764
00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:01,088
"Exactly--
write your number down

765
00:39:01,172 --> 00:39:04,592
so we can go lay down,
nah mean?"

766
00:39:04,675 --> 00:39:07,053
Just don't look at movies
for your barometer of love,

767
00:39:07,136 --> 00:39:08,763
'cause they're a lie, right?

768
00:39:08,846 --> 00:39:11,432
Like, I was watching "Django"
last night, right? Exactly.

769
00:39:11,515 --> 00:39:14,268
"Django" about a slave who been
enslaved his whole life

770
00:39:14,351 --> 00:39:16,103
then escaped slavery.

771
00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:18,397
Then went back into slavery
to get his girl.

772
00:39:18,481 --> 00:39:20,232
Nigga, absolutely not.

773
00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:23,819
Once I escape slavery
and you don't,

774
00:39:23,903 --> 00:39:25,821
I'm single, nah mean?

775
00:39:25,905 --> 00:39:28,866
I'm not coming back to get you.
"Why not?"

776
00:39:28,949 --> 00:39:31,786
'Cause you're in slavery,
silly.

777
00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:34,455
"Where you headed?"
North.

778
00:39:34,538 --> 00:39:36,999
"What you about to go do?"
I don't know. Have some coffee.

779
00:39:37,083 --> 00:39:40,002
It's my first day.

780
00:39:40,086 --> 00:39:42,546
I was married, man.
Divorced in these streets now,

781
00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:44,256
you know what I'm talbout?

782
00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:46,050
We was in counseling,
you know what I mean?

783
00:39:46,133 --> 00:39:48,094
You ever did,
like, couples counseling?

784
00:39:48,177 --> 00:39:50,262
Oh. That shit so fun.

785
00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:51,972
'Cause here's
what they don't tell you.

786
00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:54,350
You trying to win the session,
you know what I mean?

787
00:39:54,433 --> 00:39:57,144
It's the first one of three,
you know what I'm talbout?

788
00:39:57,228 --> 00:39:59,063
That way you can talk
your shit in the car, like,

789
00:39:59,146 --> 00:40:00,815
"Get your shit together,"
you know what I mean?

790
00:40:02,399 --> 00:40:04,485
When you get prepared
for counseling, you get hype.

791
00:40:04,568 --> 00:40:06,112
You study,
you know what I mean?

792
00:40:06,195 --> 00:40:08,155
Talk to your homeboy, like,
"You got the game plan?"

793
00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:10,032
Say this.
Like, "All right, bet."

794
00:40:10,116 --> 00:40:11,659
I'm in counseling,
like, all hype.

795
00:40:11,742 --> 00:40:13,786
Like, "What's up, Sydney?"
What's up, therapist?

796
00:40:13,869 --> 00:40:15,204
Let's go.

797
00:40:16,622 --> 00:40:18,499
We in a session one time.
It's tied 1-1.

798
00:40:18,582 --> 00:40:20,543
I need this point, nah mean?

799
00:40:20,626 --> 00:40:22,002
But I'm good.
I talked to my homegirls.

800
00:40:22,086 --> 00:40:23,420
Stayed up all the night before,
like,

801
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:24,839
I had a plan,
you know what I mean?

802
00:40:24,922 --> 00:40:27,174
She hit me smooth,
she was like,

803
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:30,511
"He don't like the fact
that I don't think he funny."

804
00:40:31,804 --> 00:40:34,014
Exactly, which is crazy
'cause she at home right now,

805
00:40:34,098 --> 00:40:35,808
I'm on HBO.
I was like, all right, bet.

806
00:40:35,891 --> 00:40:40,521
All right. All right.
All right. All right.

807
00:40:40,604 --> 00:40:42,857
[cheers and applause]

808
00:40:42,940 --> 00:40:44,817
But when you--
when you in counseling,

809
00:40:44,900 --> 00:40:46,443
and they say that,
you gotta take it,

810
00:40:46,527 --> 00:40:48,112
'cause you can't look angry,
right?

811
00:40:48,195 --> 00:40:49,697
You a big Black dude.
You just gotta take it.

812
00:40:49,780 --> 00:40:51,532
She like,
"He don't like the fact

813
00:40:51,615 --> 00:40:54,493
that I think he ain't funny."
I was like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha."

814
00:40:55,786 --> 00:40:57,830
He like, Sydney, you good?"
I'm like, "Just tag me in.

815
00:40:57,913 --> 00:41:01,250
I got it. Tag me in," right?
I need this point.

816
00:41:01,333 --> 00:41:04,211
It's 1-1, right?
Here was my answer.

817
00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:06,881
I said, "Do I need her
to think I'm funny?

818
00:41:06,964 --> 00:41:09,550
I said, "Where we live
costs $3,300 a month.

819
00:41:09,633 --> 00:41:12,178
"I pay it every month
because I'm funny.

820
00:41:12,261 --> 00:41:13,971
"I don't need you
to think I'm funny.

821
00:41:14,054 --> 00:41:16,432
We live the way we do, bitch,
'cause I'm funny."

822
00:41:16,515 --> 00:41:20,978
Right? Right? Right?
The counselor didn't clap.

823
00:41:21,061 --> 00:41:22,688
He was like, "You shouldn't
have said 'bitch.'"

824
00:41:22,771 --> 00:41:24,398
I was like, "Wow."

825
00:41:24,481 --> 00:41:26,775
I say it once a year,
you know what I mean?

826
00:41:28,485 --> 00:41:30,237
You ever get so mad
you gotta leave the house?

827
00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:32,698
Like, leave the place you
pay for, where you pay bills?

828
00:41:32,781 --> 00:41:34,241
You gotta step outside
in the world

829
00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:36,785
and get your thoughts together,
right?

830
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:38,579
That used to be me, man.

831
00:41:38,662 --> 00:41:40,414
I used to be
at the grocery store, dog,

832
00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:41,874
with a shopping cart,
nothing in it,

833
00:41:41,957 --> 00:41:44,710
just planning my argument
for later, right?

834
00:41:44,793 --> 00:41:46,128
You just walking around like,

835
00:41:46,212 --> 00:41:49,048
"Oh, I'm about to hit her
with so many facts!"

836
00:41:50,507 --> 00:41:52,134
'Cause you know,
when you dating a Black woman,

837
00:41:52,218 --> 00:41:54,178
you can't just break up
with her, right?

838
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:56,388
You gotta have execution.

839
00:41:56,472 --> 00:41:58,599
You can't just be like,
"Yo, listen, it's not working."

840
00:41:58,682 --> 00:42:01,227
She gonna be like, "Shut up."
Be like...

841
00:42:02,728 --> 00:42:03,979
Damn.
"What happened?"

842
00:42:04,063 --> 00:42:06,690
She told me to shut up, dog.

843
00:42:06,774 --> 00:42:08,275
You gotta have
a game plan, man.

844
00:42:08,359 --> 00:42:09,902
You gotta have, like, you know
what I mean, your facts,

845
00:42:09,985 --> 00:42:12,363
a couple Bible verses,
you know what I mean?

846
00:42:12,446 --> 00:42:16,158
"And Jesus said, Jesus said."
Ahh!

847
00:42:16,242 --> 00:42:18,285
Black women love Jesus
and ibuprofen,

848
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:20,120
you know what I'm talbout?

849
00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:21,580
I'm walking around
the grocery store, dog.

850
00:42:21,664 --> 00:42:23,290
I'm mad, planning
my arguments for later.

851
00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:24,792
Like, "Ooh, I'm gonna hit her,"
you know what I mean,

852
00:42:24,875 --> 00:42:26,210
"with so many facts," right?

853
00:42:26,293 --> 00:42:28,629
I got hit on
by this gay dude, right?

854
00:42:28,712 --> 00:42:31,882
I ain't even see him coming.
He just shot his shot, right?

855
00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:34,051
I'm thinking about
some other shit, right?

856
00:42:34,134 --> 00:42:35,511
I'm walking around.

857
00:42:35,594 --> 00:42:37,471
He was like, "You never
have to work another day

858
00:42:37,554 --> 00:42:40,641
again in your life."

859
00:42:40,724 --> 00:42:42,518
He was like 6'6".
He was bigger than me.

860
00:42:42,601 --> 00:42:45,938
I was like, "What?"
He's like, "You heard me.

861
00:42:46,021 --> 00:42:48,190
Ain't nobody scared of you."

862
00:42:50,567 --> 00:42:52,820
"I said you'll never
have to work another day

863
00:42:52,903 --> 00:42:54,655
again in your life, handsome."

864
00:42:54,738 --> 00:42:57,324
Right? I was like, "Boy...

865
00:42:57,408 --> 00:42:59,994
"boy, if you don't--
boy, if you don't get, man.

866
00:43:00,077 --> 00:43:01,662
"Like, mm...

867
00:43:05,207 --> 00:43:07,126
"What you mean never?

868
00:43:13,841 --> 00:43:16,260
Break it down, my man.
I got debt."

869
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:19,430
It was a old Black lady
watching.

870
00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:22,099
She was like, "Ah-ha-ha,
okay, we in L.A., uh-uh-uh.

871
00:43:22,182 --> 00:43:24,143
You gonna answer his question?"
Right?

872
00:43:24,226 --> 00:43:27,187
I was like, "The answer
no, silly," nah mean?

873
00:43:27,271 --> 00:43:29,523
Of course not. No! Right?

874
00:43:29,606 --> 00:43:32,985
Got in my car, shut the door,
sat down, I was pissed.

875
00:43:33,068 --> 00:43:36,030
I was like, "Not another day?"
[growls]

876
00:43:36,113 --> 00:43:37,573
Like, I'm not gay, right?

877
00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:39,992
But that's a good deal,
you know what I mean?

878
00:43:41,618 --> 00:43:44,580
Went home, told me girl,
"Hey, get your shit together.

879
00:43:44,663 --> 00:43:45,998
"I got people offering me deals

880
00:43:46,081 --> 00:43:49,084
where I ain't never
gotta work again."

881
00:43:49,168 --> 00:43:51,337
What's her name?
"Larry."

882
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:54,548
[laughter and applause]

883
00:44:05,309 --> 00:44:06,935
Shut up.

884
00:44:09,646 --> 00:44:11,231
Single, man, I ain't been
single in a minute,

885
00:44:11,315 --> 00:44:13,108
so it's new out here,
you know what I mean?

886
00:44:13,192 --> 00:44:14,610
Everything new.
I tell women this.

887
00:44:14,693 --> 00:44:16,403
I'm honest with women.
You gotta be honest.

888
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:18,238
Most men be lying.
I'm very honest with women.

889
00:44:18,322 --> 00:44:20,741
I'm like, "Look, dog, I'm 40.
I'm successful.

890
00:44:20,824 --> 00:44:22,576
"I don't have any kids.
Nah mean?

891
00:44:22,659 --> 00:44:25,287
"I'm not wearing a condom
if we have sex.

892
00:44:26,663 --> 00:44:29,750
I mean that so graciously."
You know what I mean?

893
00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:31,710
I'm not at the age
where I'm scared

894
00:44:31,794 --> 00:44:34,588
if I have a baby,
you know what I mean?

895
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:37,758
Yeah. I'm not.
"I'm pregnant."

896
00:44:37,841 --> 00:44:40,052
Well, we finna have
a family, silly.

897
00:44:47,226 --> 00:44:49,395
Why you crying?

898
00:44:49,478 --> 00:44:52,439
Go move in the other room,
stink, you know what I mean?

899
00:44:54,775 --> 00:44:57,611
We live together now,
silly willy.

900
00:44:58,862 --> 00:45:00,280
She crying.
I'm calling my homeboys.

901
00:45:00,364 --> 00:45:02,533
You thought I was out
the game, but I'm not!

902
00:45:04,034 --> 00:45:07,162
In the fourth quarter
with the final shot!

903
00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:13,460
Not wearing a condom, man.
I'm not.

904
00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:17,339
Nah mean? Young women
care about a divorce.

905
00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:19,967
They do. Young women be like,
"You going through a divorce?

906
00:45:20,050 --> 00:45:21,468
"That's a lot. Ooh. Ooh.

907
00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:25,222
No, you got a lot going on.
Ooh. Mm-mm. Mm-mm."

908
00:45:25,305 --> 00:45:26,598
Women who never been
married, like,

909
00:45:26,682 --> 00:45:29,143
35 to 40, don't care
about no divorce.

910
00:45:29,226 --> 00:45:30,519
You going through divorce?
"Yeah."

911
00:45:30,602 --> 00:45:31,728
Did you serve her?
"Yeah."

912
00:45:31,812 --> 00:45:33,397
Well, let's go eat.

913
00:45:40,362 --> 00:45:42,197
I don't care about
that little divorce.

914
00:45:43,824 --> 00:45:48,454
Does your dick work?"
I'm like, "Sometimes."

915
00:45:54,418 --> 00:45:58,672
LeBron don't play like he did
when he was 23, right?

916
00:45:58,755 --> 00:46:01,175
Yeah, well, quit judging me.

917
00:46:01,258 --> 00:46:04,052
LeBron need to sit out
a couple games

918
00:46:04,136 --> 00:46:07,014
before he plays again.
He's on rest.

919
00:46:07,097 --> 00:46:09,850
Sometimes I need
some dick rest.

920
00:46:09,933 --> 00:46:12,102
But if you would still like it,
fine, we'll do it.

921
00:46:12,186 --> 00:46:13,395
I'm not gonna
leave you out there,

922
00:46:13,479 --> 00:46:14,855
you know what I mean?

923
00:46:14,938 --> 00:46:18,025
Anybody here took
a dick pill before?

924
00:46:18,108 --> 00:46:19,526
Oh, we on HBO,
so everybody gonna act

925
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:21,236
brand-new in here?

926
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:22,779
Okay, I'll just talk to myself.

927
00:46:22,863 --> 00:46:24,865
You can go to any
gas station pill, right?

928
00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:26,200
Any gas station.

929
00:46:26,283 --> 00:46:27,701
You can go to any
gas station in America,

930
00:46:27,784 --> 00:46:29,578
and it's a pill
behind the counter, right?

931
00:46:29,661 --> 00:46:31,205
It got a little rhino on it.

932
00:46:31,288 --> 00:46:33,248
Make your dick feel like,
"Rawr," you know what I mean?

933
00:46:33,332 --> 00:46:34,875
Oh, look, now we know
what we talking about.

934
00:46:34,958 --> 00:46:38,045
Okay. Can I get a witness?
Okay.

935
00:46:38,128 --> 00:46:41,381
♪ For $13,
you can have a penis ♪

936
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:42,841
♪ Of a 16-year-old ♪

937
00:46:42,925 --> 00:46:45,010
You know what I mean?

938
00:46:45,093 --> 00:46:47,262
Only thing, when you buying it,
it's always like a nosy

939
00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:50,057
Black woman behind you
judging the whole time, right?

940
00:46:50,140 --> 00:46:52,976
So when you buy it, you gotta
buy it on the low, you know?

941
00:46:53,060 --> 00:46:56,230
Like, give me 20 on 7.
Let me get some chips.

942
00:46:56,313 --> 00:46:59,107
Let me get that pill
real quick right there.

943
00:46:59,191 --> 00:47:01,235
Yeah.
Yeah, throw it on the ground.

944
00:47:01,318 --> 00:47:05,155
Throw it on the ground.
Appreciate it.

945
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:06,907
You go the whole way
to the car.

946
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:08,408
Appreciate it, bro.
Everybody doing?

947
00:47:08,492 --> 00:47:11,245
Yeah. mind your business.
Mind your business.

948
00:47:11,328 --> 00:47:14,498
Pick it up outside.
Put it in your mouth.

949
00:47:14,581 --> 00:47:19,002
Drink a whole bottle of water.
A hour later, whoo-hoo-hoo!

950
00:47:19,086 --> 00:47:21,004
Can't nobody compete
with you, right?

951
00:47:21,088 --> 00:47:22,589
Here's what
they don't tell you.

952
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:24,550
It will get you "Rawr," right?

953
00:47:24,633 --> 00:47:26,760
But it speed up
your heart rate.

954
00:47:26,843 --> 00:47:28,345
Exactly.

955
00:47:28,428 --> 00:47:32,432
So the whole time you in it,
you think you about to die.

956
00:47:32,516 --> 00:47:33,934
You sweating. I'm bald-headed.

957
00:47:34,017 --> 00:47:35,769
My heart coming
through my chest.

958
00:47:35,852 --> 00:47:37,312
I'm like, "Oh, my God!

959
00:47:37,396 --> 00:47:39,273
Oh shit!"
She think she doing something.

960
00:47:39,356 --> 00:47:41,692
What's wrong?
You can't handle this?

961
00:47:41,775 --> 00:47:44,236
You can't handle this?

962
00:47:44,319 --> 00:47:46,905
I'm sitting here like,
"Call my mama!

963
00:47:48,865 --> 00:47:51,618
Call my mama now!"

964
00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:53,453
Hey, y'all been great.
I'm Sydney Castillo.

965
00:47:53,537 --> 00:47:54,788
Thank y'all very much.

966
00:47:54,871 --> 00:47:57,749
[cheers and applause]

967
00:47:57,833 --> 00:47:59,084
Hey.

968
00:48:10,887 --> 00:48:13,140
- Keep it going
for Sydney Castillo.

969
00:48:13,223 --> 00:48:16,268
[cheers and applause]

970
00:48:18,854 --> 00:48:20,522
All right, man, listen.

971
00:48:20,606 --> 00:48:23,108
We call this next man
the Closer.

972
00:48:23,191 --> 00:48:27,195
One of my favorites
in L.A., all around.

973
00:48:27,279 --> 00:48:31,700
He closes out Chocolate Sundays
at the Laugh Factory.

974
00:48:31,783 --> 00:48:34,328
He was in "Idlewild."

975
00:48:36,747 --> 00:48:39,499
He was a writer
on NBC "Marlon."

976
00:48:41,585 --> 00:48:46,214
Y'all give it up for
my brother, Mr. Esau McGraw.

977
00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:49,259
[cheers and applause]

978
00:48:49,343 --> 00:48:56,433
<i>♪ ♪</i>

979
00:48:58,018 --> 00:49:02,022
- Dyslexia is a fucked up word
to have to spell

980
00:49:02,105 --> 00:49:03,815
if you have it.

981
00:49:06,276 --> 00:49:09,071
They should have named
that shit "Wow, wow."

982
00:49:15,035 --> 00:49:18,622
No matter how you
turn them letters...

983
00:49:20,290 --> 00:49:22,542
Still spells "wow, wow."

984
00:49:24,044 --> 00:49:26,046
Man, when you grow up
in the fucking '80s, man,

985
00:49:26,129 --> 00:49:27,547
and you got fucking dyslexia,

986
00:49:27,631 --> 00:49:31,009
it ain't no goddamn diagnosis
for that shit.

987
00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:34,137
You just a slow motherfucker.
I used to talk fast

988
00:49:34,221 --> 00:49:35,681
'cause I thought
that's what it meant.

989
00:49:35,764 --> 00:49:37,766
"Ain't nothing wrong
with me, motherfucker."

990
00:49:40,143 --> 00:49:45,190
I grew up early in the
dysfunction of Black people.

991
00:49:45,273 --> 00:49:48,235
With a original
fucked-up ass family,

992
00:49:48,318 --> 00:49:51,446
that I love to death.

993
00:49:51,530 --> 00:49:54,783
Start with my grandmama.
Had 13 kids.

994
00:49:54,866 --> 00:49:57,369
Started having them way younger
than she was supposed to.

995
00:49:57,452 --> 00:49:59,871
My mama's the oldest of the 13.

996
00:49:59,955 --> 00:50:01,498
Got eight kids of her own.

997
00:50:01,581 --> 00:50:03,417
Started having them way younger
than she was supposed to.

998
00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:04,918
I'm the middle of her eight.

999
00:50:05,001 --> 00:50:08,797
Long story short,
I'm raising my uncle.

1000
00:50:08,880 --> 00:50:11,425
He nine.

1001
00:50:11,508 --> 00:50:13,176
I'm a grown-ass man.

1002
00:50:13,260 --> 00:50:16,513
This dude in the third grade.

1003
00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:18,765
I'm his nephew.

1004
00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:23,103
I pick this little fucker
up from school,

1005
00:50:23,186 --> 00:50:26,565
he jump in my car
and pull family rank.

1006
00:50:26,648 --> 00:50:29,609
Make a right, then a left,
then a right.

1007
00:50:29,693 --> 00:50:32,070
"You live with me, boy!"

1008
00:50:34,865 --> 00:50:36,366
When we get home,
you gonna go to bed.

1009
00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:39,119
"No, you gonna go to bed."
No, you gonna go to bed.

1010
00:50:39,202 --> 00:50:40,746
"No, you gonna go to bed."

1011
00:50:40,829 --> 00:50:42,414
You know my mama
your mama mama.

1012
00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:45,000
"I know your mama
my mama mama, motherfucker."

1013
00:50:50,380 --> 00:50:52,549
My grandmama died,
left me with this nigga.

1014
00:50:52,632 --> 00:50:55,969
My wife left me. No money.

1015
00:50:56,052 --> 00:50:57,596
My car got repoed two days

1016
00:50:57,679 --> 00:51:00,140
after I picked this nigga
up from school.

1017
00:51:02,809 --> 00:51:05,145
My life is in the trash.

1018
00:51:07,606 --> 00:51:10,942
And now I'm riding
the fucking bus.

1019
00:51:11,026 --> 00:51:14,279
Anybody in here ever been
on the motherfucking bus?

1020
00:51:14,362 --> 00:51:16,239
all: Yeah!

1021
00:51:16,323 --> 00:51:19,659
- The bus is transportation
for the lost and the damned.

1022
00:51:21,077 --> 00:51:23,497
And I'm both of them
motherfuckers.

1023
00:51:24,831 --> 00:51:27,334
I'm on the bus
with a fucked-up ass attitude.

1024
00:51:27,417 --> 00:51:28,960
My grandmama dead.

1025
00:51:30,462 --> 00:51:34,716
Everybody on the bus
pissed off, including me.

1026
00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:37,260
You know where I sit
when I ride the bus?

1027
00:51:37,344 --> 00:51:38,553
Guess.

1028
00:51:38,637 --> 00:51:40,639
In the front of that bitch.

1029
00:51:43,099 --> 00:51:46,394
In them Rosa Parks seats.

1030
00:51:46,478 --> 00:51:49,773
Right behind the driver.

1031
00:51:49,856 --> 00:51:52,234
You didn't fucking drag
Mrs. Parks off that bus,

1032
00:51:52,317 --> 00:51:55,737
beat her ass, throw her in jail
for nothing, nigga.

1033
00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:57,197
I'ma sit in her seat.

1034
00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:59,991
That's how fucked up
my attitude was.

1035
00:52:02,077 --> 00:52:06,248
One day, I'm riding the bus.

1036
00:52:06,331 --> 00:52:10,252
They got the nerve to pick up

1037
00:52:10,335 --> 00:52:14,047
a motherfucker in a wheelchair.

1038
00:52:14,130 --> 00:52:18,885
I said, "Hell no.

1039
00:52:18,969 --> 00:52:20,178
"It's gonna take y'all forever

1040
00:52:20,262 --> 00:52:23,139
"to get this motherfucker
on this bus.

1041
00:52:23,223 --> 00:52:25,767
"I'm already running
a little bit late.

1042
00:52:27,435 --> 00:52:29,396
"Y'all gotta send
that lift out for him.

1043
00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:32,649
[imitates mechanical whirring]

1044
00:52:37,612 --> 00:52:40,740
"Then you gotta strap his ass
down to that, pull him in.

1045
00:52:40,824 --> 00:52:43,952
[imitates mechanical whirring]

1046
00:52:47,706 --> 00:52:50,417
"You gotta tell these
five people to get the fuck up,

1047
00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:53,295
"get your ass back to them
civil rights seats.

1048
00:52:54,713 --> 00:52:56,047
"Click that bitch up,

1049
00:52:56,131 --> 00:52:59,426
back him into them brakes,
and take off."

1050
00:52:59,509 --> 00:53:04,431
And I know I'm
a fucking piece of shit,

1051
00:53:04,514 --> 00:53:07,017
'cause I can't stop
thinking to myself...

1052
00:53:08,935 --> 00:53:11,855
"They bet not drop this
motherfucker off before me."

1053
00:53:18,612 --> 00:53:21,615
The story get worse.

1054
00:53:21,698 --> 00:53:23,283
It get worser than that.

1055
00:53:23,366 --> 00:53:27,037
They let another crippled
motherfucker on the bus!

1056
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:30,624
He learned how to walk again,
but not that good.

1057
00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:33,501
Look, this motherfucker,
he get on this bus.

1058
00:53:33,585 --> 00:53:34,961
He get on this bus.

1059
00:53:37,422 --> 00:53:39,382
He put his money in the thing.

1060
00:53:42,093 --> 00:53:44,596
Turn around.

1061
00:53:44,679 --> 00:53:46,514
Bus is sold out.

1062
00:53:49,392 --> 00:53:51,895
Not a seat available...

1063
00:53:53,813 --> 00:53:55,607
On this bitch.

1064
00:53:58,276 --> 00:54:00,487
Guess where I'm sitting?

1065
00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:09,996
In them blue seats,
them Rosa Parks seats.

1066
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:11,998
Turned sideways.
You can stretch your feet out

1067
00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:15,794
in the aisle
and get comfortable.

1068
00:54:15,877 --> 00:54:18,755
This nigga's on the bus.
He looking right at me.

1069
00:54:24,594 --> 00:54:26,513
I know what he thinking.
I can feel his eye whites

1070
00:54:26,596 --> 00:54:28,264
burning the side
of my fucking head.

1071
00:54:28,348 --> 00:54:31,351
He looked right at me.
I know what he thinking.

1072
00:54:31,434 --> 00:54:33,895
He don't know me.

1073
00:54:33,979 --> 00:54:35,105
I know what he thinking.

1074
00:54:35,188 --> 00:54:37,774
"Look at me.

1075
00:54:37,857 --> 00:54:39,484
You in my seat."

1076
00:54:41,528 --> 00:54:43,947
The dude in the wheelchair
already laughing.

1077
00:54:46,616 --> 00:54:48,827
You know what I was thinking?

1078
00:54:50,453 --> 00:54:53,248
What do handicapped people
always say?

1079
00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:57,669
"Don't treat me...

1080
00:54:59,796 --> 00:55:02,632
Like something wrong with me.

1081
00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:07,804
Treat me like you treat
everybody else."

1082
00:55:11,391 --> 00:55:14,394
"Okay.

1083
00:55:14,477 --> 00:55:18,732
You stand up and ride this bus,
you crooked-ass motherfucker."

1084
00:55:18,815 --> 00:55:22,318
That's how fucked up I was.

1085
00:55:22,402 --> 00:55:24,821
I made this dude ride
this bus holding on

1086
00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:29,743
to that leather strap
all the way downtown.

1087
00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:31,286
Look, he riding that...

1088
00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:39,753
You can laugh.
The dude in the wheelchair

1089
00:55:39,836 --> 00:55:42,088
laughing his ass off.

1090
00:55:47,677 --> 00:55:49,596
That bus hit a bump. Boop!

1091
00:55:55,310 --> 00:55:59,272
And I'm sitting there,
and my head is in my ass,

1092
00:55:59,355 --> 00:56:01,274
'cause I'm a fucking
piece of shit.

1093
00:56:04,569 --> 00:56:08,281
And this dude in this
wheelchair got up this morning

1094
00:56:08,364 --> 00:56:11,326
and put his shoes on
for no reason at all.

1095
00:56:17,707 --> 00:56:21,461
But he got up this morning.
He got after it.

1096
00:56:23,213 --> 00:56:27,759
I stopped that bullshit,
and I started to do better.

1097
00:56:30,220 --> 00:56:33,515
And we all just got
to do better.

1098
00:56:33,598 --> 00:56:34,808
You know what I mean?

1099
00:56:34,891 --> 00:56:36,267
I stopped fucking
judging people.

1100
00:56:36,351 --> 00:56:37,852
I don't fuck--
I don't give a fuck, man.

1101
00:56:37,936 --> 00:56:39,270
Get some happiness
in your life.

1102
00:56:39,354 --> 00:56:40,855
People out here
dropping like flies.

1103
00:56:40,939 --> 00:56:42,690
I don't give a fuck
what your love look like.

1104
00:56:42,774 --> 00:56:45,485
Get you some of that shit.
It's good. It feel good.

1105
00:56:45,568 --> 00:56:47,654
I don't give a fuck
if it's two dudes, two girls,

1106
00:56:47,737 --> 00:56:51,658
old, young, different
nationalities, get you some.

1107
00:56:51,741 --> 00:56:55,161
I'm trying to get me some.

1108
00:56:55,245 --> 00:56:58,081
So if you don't judge me,
I won't judge you, deal?

1109
00:56:58,164 --> 00:56:59,624
all: Deal.
- Good.

1110
00:56:59,707 --> 00:57:03,044
'Cause I'm dating
a 71-year-old woman right now.

1111
00:57:03,128 --> 00:57:08,133
She's nasty. I love her.
Don't judge me.

1112
00:57:08,216 --> 00:57:11,678
She been sucking dick
for 52 years.

1113
00:57:11,761 --> 00:57:14,848
She was a freak
before I was born.

1114
00:57:14,931 --> 00:57:17,016
[wailing]

1115
00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:18,810
Only thing I don't like is,
she insists

1116
00:57:18,893 --> 00:57:21,813
on calling me Dr. King
while we do it.

1117
00:57:21,896 --> 00:57:24,440
She be like, "March all
through it, Dr. King.

1118
00:57:24,524 --> 00:57:25,900
Stomp all through it."

1119
00:57:25,984 --> 00:57:29,195
I be like, "Will you stop
calling me Dr. King?"

1120
00:57:29,279 --> 00:57:31,364
I love her.

1121
00:57:31,447 --> 00:57:34,325
She got big, wide shoulders,
big ass titties.

1122
00:57:34,409 --> 00:57:35,493
Ahh!

1123
00:57:35,577 --> 00:57:37,537
Little narrow hips
and skinny legs.

1124
00:57:37,620 --> 00:57:39,455
Built like a wisdom tooth.

1125
00:57:39,539 --> 00:57:42,625
[mouthing words]

1126
00:57:56,055 --> 00:58:01,561
We love to roleplay.

1127
00:58:01,644 --> 00:58:04,522
She's teaching me so much.

1128
00:58:04,606 --> 00:58:06,608
One night,
she grabbed me by my throat,

1129
00:58:06,691 --> 00:58:09,027
threw me down on the bed,
slid that old Negro League

1130
00:58:09,110 --> 00:58:11,821
catcher's mitt down
on top of me.

1131
00:58:11,905 --> 00:58:13,656
Get it, Dr. King.

1132
00:58:13,740 --> 00:58:17,368
March all through it, Dr. King.

1133
00:58:17,452 --> 00:58:20,413
I started to get into it.

1134
00:58:20,496 --> 00:58:22,290
I reached around
and unclicked her bra.

1135
00:58:22,373 --> 00:58:25,210
Them titties swung down
like click-clacks.

1136
00:58:25,293 --> 00:58:28,379
[mouthing words

1137
00:58:41,517 --> 00:58:44,938
Hey, you guys been great.
Enjoy the rest of your life.

1138
00:58:45,021 --> 00:58:48,233
Thank you so much.

1139
00:58:48,316 --> 00:58:49,651
Yeah, yeah.

1140
00:58:49,734 --> 00:58:51,945
- Y'all get it going
for my man Esau McGraw.

1141
00:58:52,028 --> 00:58:54,405
[cheers and applause]

1142
00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:55,949
Esau!

1143
00:58:58,952 --> 00:59:01,287
A'ight.
So that's the show, y'all.

1144
00:59:01,371 --> 00:59:05,291
I want to bring out
all the comics one more time.

1145
00:59:05,375 --> 00:59:07,210
I want to bring out
my headliners.

1146
00:59:07,293 --> 00:59:10,672
First up, DC Ervin.

1147
00:59:10,755 --> 00:59:13,216
Tony Baker.

1148
00:59:13,299 --> 00:59:15,551
Chaunté Wayans.

1149
00:59:15,635 --> 00:59:17,387
Sydney Castillo.

1150
00:59:17,470 --> 00:59:19,347
And Esau McGraw.

1151
00:59:19,430 --> 00:59:21,641
[cheers and applause]

1152
00:59:21,724 --> 00:59:23,393
Y'all been
a beautiful audience,

1153
00:59:23,476 --> 00:59:26,437
beautiful Black excellence.
I'm glad we had these laughs.

1154
00:59:26,521 --> 00:59:29,148
See y'all next time.
Thank y'all. God bless.

1155
00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:36,322
<i>♪ ♪</i>

1156
00:59:43,705 --> 00:59:50,795
<i>♪ ♪</i>