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MONTREAL, CANADA
BELL CENTRE
MATHIEU DUFOUR AT BELL CENTRE
MATHIEU DUFOUR
Gang! Gang! It's really crazy!
Please!
I'm so handsome from afar, fuck!
This is where I find myself stupid, 'cause I didn't ask for steps.
It's too high, I'm not able to climb it, fuck!
Can you give me a lift? Thank you, sir.
Good evening, Bell Centre. How's it going?
Gang?
Gang, you don't know how much
this is the dumbest, stupid idea I had in the meeting when I said:
I want to see my entrance at my first Bell Centre.
What's gonna happen now, tonight's show's being recorded, it'll be on Netflix.
I know. It doesn't make any sense. People will be like:
I don't know, Bridget Jones, or MatDouf?
For the occasion, it's actually...
I've to make a presentation, people here know me,
but there are people watching all over the planet.
They're saying, "Who is this?"
I'll do an introduction
to the people who are watching us right now with subtitles.
It's not you I want to talk to.
It's the people who did the subtitling.
I'm told that they all had a burnout.
They are there with their bosses saying...
"Bitch ass?"
Okay, okay.
I'm gonna give a quick introduction to people watching us on Netflix.
I'm Cynthia Malaison. I'm a jazz singer.
The brainstorm, I wanted it to be like a choir.
They were, "Shut the fuck up."
I'm a comedian from Quebec.
Proud comedian, speaks French, French Canadian, Quebecois.
I'm turning into Loco Locass.
So, the introductions are done. If there are any who know me well,
you'll know...
Yes, I hope you know me.
I guess one person was like: I thought it was... Loki.
But honestly, if there are people who know me,
I like to push the jokes far, I'm a brat.
And if you thought I was going to do my first Bell Centre
without myself coming out of the trapdoor like a big fucking star,
you don't know me at all!
So what we're going to do right now, I'm going to ask everyone
to forget what just happened.
Then I'm going to go change, because, there are insides of this show.
I won' come out of the trapdoor like this.
And here's what's really exciting, I'm happy about that, okay?
I'm gonna go back, in Celine Dion's show
I've seen her with a live camera following her, you know?
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna change and take you with me,
follow me.
GONE TO CHANGE, BACK SOON, HIHI
Apart from that, guys?
Now I'm dressed, that's good.
Are you ready to do the introduction
as if you hadn't seen me before?
Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, it's on!
Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Bell Centre,
please welcome,
Mathieu Dufour!
Hello, Bell Centre!
Okay, now stop!
Gang, I almost died 16 times
in the last two minutes, it doesn't make sense. First,
I can't believe I'm dressed like this in front of people.
We offer psychological help. We'll talk to you about it.
I had big ideas for a one-piece with diamonds, okay?
Then I was like: this is beautiful, usually.
Was showing sample pictures to people.
But I was showing Dua Lipa, shit.
When I tried it on, I was like, I don't look like this.
Everyone was: Confirmed, it's the same.
Of course, it's a surprise.
It makes no sense to do Bell Centre tonight.
Wanted to see as many shows at the Bell Centre to prepare,
you know, despite the fact that you can't prepare for the wave of love,
when I heard you shouting.
No, don't start. Thank you very much. No.
You're nice, but I would like to shorten the time my nipples are seen.
You can't prepare for that. I've seen shows here
the last few months to prepare.
I was watching the international stars here.
So, I was taking notes, with my phone
saying to myself: When I do my Bell Centre,
that's what it's gonna be.
And I dreamed really big when I got to the brainstorm
because... I didn't expect it, but I don't have Justin Bieber's budget!
My team jumped when I said in the meeting,
he came in a plane, came down from the ceiling.
They say: impossible, we can push you in a cart,
or a grocery basket.
Afterwards, I had seen, in Celine Dion's show,
and in Justin Bieber's show, the artists had drones on stage.
Have you seen that?
Like a drone show, Celine is in the middle,
her dress is made of Kleenex, then fire!
They're flying away, 150 drones circling around.
I was afraid that it would hit her in the head.
Imagine the anguish:
Cut the hair extensions!
Celine's big wig flying away.
Then it flies away...
I came to see a lot of shows. The drones, it made me flip.
Budget for drones is different.
I told my team about drones,
they went into problem solving mode, said, "We'll figure something".
Like, full of good intentions.
I don't wanna look down on them.
They said, "Steve, the technician, could go up
and lower down a flashlight with a rope!"
So,
I don't know why, I'm going that way.
When I run in these boots, I take a big swing and I can't stop.
Don't be surprised if I disappear into the dark.
For those who don't know, is there any, just by applause,
this is the first time I've done a show here.
Like, if you didn't know.
I've talked about it in the last few weeks.
To the point I have a rule with friends.
Each time I say Bell Centre, I give them $100.
It was like, Mathieu, shut your yap.
This is the first time I'm doing a show here, and you know,
I was, "Don't scream," because when you do, it's loud.
I don't wanna burn you or crawl you out.
It takes long to stop. I don't wanna disturb you. Understand? So...
Someone who says, "Understand?" You feel like hitting him.
Understand?
Yes.
Do you understand that if you say this, a chair's coming your way? Yes.
I have a sweaty buttock.
No, having a sweaty buttock, sounds like Sweaty Bob.
It sounds great, like.
...is Sweaty Bob.
Sorry. I didn't think of this.
That's fun. I improvise, can't prepare jokes in advance.
So...
with snaps of the fingers,
are there people seeing me for the first time?
Please stop, it's terrible.
From my point of view, it's like if there were 500 rats that came running.
There are people seeing me for the first time.
To explain how it works in my head,
I don't really know where the show is going,
I don't plan things.
Soon as something pops into my head, that's fun, 'cause I go.
I'm a big fan of parentheses.
Parentheses that never end. Inception parentheses.
It makes me look like a drunk lady in a house that runs away.
We're gonna talk about this, a door, then I'm like, huh!
Another door and I go again.
There are small cues, Netflix said to themselves:
this fucker says so much shit, we can't put this as is.
The show might be me coming out of the trapdoor, going back in.
Imagine, the shortest Netflix Special ever!
Presented by Netflix, Mat Duf!
I won't spend the show wearing this, I'll change.
We will make a Tik-Tok transition, okay?
I look like I'm 50 and speak the iPad language, but you'll understand.
I look like...
I don't want to go there.
I'll say it, but quickly.
I was going to say that I looked like the aunt
who films the shows
with an iPad. It's impressive, though?
They hold the iPad at arm's length all the way
and it's not the weight of the iPad, it's the leather case that flaps under.
We're at the point where I'll change for your happiness and mine.
I'm gonna put myself here.
I'm gonna ask everyone to raise their arms, and at "go,"
from the back, you will flap your arms to make a wave.
Bend your arms and visualize
that you have my cloth in your palms.
For the next Bell Centre, we might not do that.
When lowering your arms, make this noise...
If you hear your neighbor from behind growling,
lower your arms. If you hear it too soon,
it's just weird.
Ready? In three, two, one. Here we go.
It's sick, 'cause when I jump, it ties my hair.
Does my... It looks like...
Be 100% honest, is my bun okay?
I know, I have fucking beautiful hair.
In my life, I have been in the cadets.
The Canadian Armed Forces are here.
I've been in the cadets
and I was not the next hero, I would not win the war.
Here's a shocking phrase: I've never been very male.
Like, I have never been active, like hands in a motor.
You know?
One time, the cadets said: let's go out, everybody.
Today's activity is we're going for a game of paintball.
I am, on a scale of one to Call of Duty...
I'm like running away.
I didn't feel like paintballing.
I'm motivating myself, "It's gonna be fun.
You'll have fun! You'll have fun!"
I get there, they're like,
"Watch out when you get shot in the legs, it can hurt."
I was, "How is this fun, fuck? What's the sport?"
For me, a game when you finish with bruises big as a ball of rubber paint,
it's not a game, fuck, it's death.
They're like, it's gonna be fun.
So the game starts, but I have the worst anguish of my life,
I'm so bad, I'm the laughing stock of my team,
I'm behind, I'm like, "When does it end?
Hey, when does it end?" I hate everything.
I am hidden, and at one point I'm lying back,
but the field is super big,
I spend the whole time in the barricade way back.
I never reached the paintball game.
Could've stayed in the trunk, it's the same.
It wouldn't made a difference.
Lying in the sedan with a paint gun. I would have participated.
I could have been back off with a Fiat, later.
I'm in the back, I'm afraid, I hate it, every time a game starts, I stay hidden.
It's now the third or fourth game,
I don't know what breath of courage takes me,
but I'm here, it's the war! Fire!
I lay backwards and I saw, when they say go,
everyone was gonna hide behind a barricade,
they had time, because the other team was moving.
You had to guess how far you could go,
when you saw a helmet, you would run, and hide. I'm like...
Everyone runs in army mode, like this.
They say go, and I'm like...
I'm like "Call for help, this is not good."
I hide and stay put,
the opportunity is in front of me. I am hidden,
I haven't seen anyone yet. I haven't attacked anyone.
I'm like, I'll hide behind my prey,
at some point, I see...
in the distance, in front of me,
the opponent.
I see someone standing in the middle.
I say...
I'm like...
I empty my magazine into his back.
I'm like, fuck, we're gonna win!
And I'm like...
I'm out of paint, you have to go to Sico. I'm like...
I emptied my clip, the adrenaline kicks in.
I've never been so proud.
I'm like, oh my God, I'm straight. Who's gay?
I was like, bring me to the balls! That's not true.
I said at the Gala des Olivier that I was gay. Now, Netflix. I am gay.
So,
I empty my magazine, adrenaline kicks in, I go back to the players' bench,
proud as a peacock. Here I come:
Holy fuck, we won the game, because of me!
I walk like this, I arrive at the bench, I don't even know
how to tell my friends how proud I am
for doing this.
And then, the referee whistles.
The referee's like...
Everybody, come here. It's not good.
I'm like, what's up, shit?
What's up? We are...
I have chills of discomfort.
We are two teams of 20 players. We are 40.
We are 40 on the field.
We take off our helmets. The referee says, "I need to talk to you."
Something terrible happened in the last game. Listen.
Now I say to myself, who did something?
But beyond any doubt that I am at fault.
Damn it, I won. You know what I mean.
I'm like... What is it? Kind of a show-off.
I talk to the referee as if I were an accomplice.
I am lying in a Fiat since 2002, shit. He had never seen me.
He's like, you were there? There, I'm like,
"Yes, what is it?" And then,
The referee's like: I'm explaining a simple rule,
I thought everyone knew.
Meet Johanne, the photographer.
Poor Johanne takes a step forward.
Painted edge to edge.
I'm watching this from afar, I'm like, it looks like my opponent.
The referee says, "I present you Johanne, who is a non-player character.
That's why she has a jacket and a camera."
At that point, I'm standing, but my soul has been flushed out my ass.
I can't. No, I can't. No, no.
My first instinct is to say, "Seriously, gang, not cool."
Not cool. At the same time,
Johanne, I've never seen someone so dirty.
When she got shot in the back the first time, she was like,
"Who's the idiot? I have a Nikon! Fuck!"
She turned, I gave her kind of... Up to her face.
Then, I did some fucking cutting.
I'm like, "Who did this? Very stupid, not cool"
And the referee said:
"We'll know who it is, you have different colors of balls."
When I was in elementary school, I was rambunctious.
You won't be surprised.
One of my teachers was on the verge of retirement.
And it showed.
Like, sometimes I felt like the elastic was stretched very thin.
I was like, "Ma'am, can I go to the bathroom?"
She was like, "I'm not well."
I was like...
"Can I go pee or..."
She wasn't doing well. She was at the end of her rope.
It was in the year when the Tamagotchis
were in full swing.
Everyone remembers the Tamagotchis?
Don't tempt me on this, okay? Tamagotchi passion.
This nice little toy from the '90's, early 2000s,
where you had to keep a thing alive.
Not sure what it was. There were three buttons.
There were expensive Tamagotchis with functions, like toys.
I had the Tamagotchi with one button. It was crying, press or die.
I had this Tamagotchi, and everyone in school started to have one.
At school, every time something gets--
When something becomes trendy, the teachers forbid it.
Because everyone gets distracted, and doesn't listen in class.
That year, Tamagotchis were banned during school hours.
Since it was prohibited, we played under our desks.
The teacher was like, "Geography!" Everyone else was like...
Under the desk. And at one point, the teacher snapped.
She snapped. It's a Friday, I'll always remember it.
A Friday in September,
I don't remember the exact date, but Friday.
We were leaving for a long weekend, off on Monday.
We are in the classroom, playing with our Tamagotchis.
We're playing and then my teacher, her name's Carole, okay?
She's on the verge of retirement, not well at all.
No one's looking at her, we're on our Tamagotchis.
She throws a hell of a punch on the desk.
It's like...
And she starts to swear in front of the third grade class.
"Here, damn it!"
Everyone is like, "Carole, relax."
She says, "You and your fucking Panangotchis!"
I'm like, "Shut up, Carole."
Surely, someone said it's Tamagotchis. She did...
She was not well!
"Your fucking Panangotchis! I am..."
This is a point of no return. We just lost the beautiful Carole.
She will leave for the long weekend and never come back!
She shouts, "Your fucking Panangotchis!"
"I'm disgusted!"
We're like, "Shit, what's going on?"
She says, "What I'm going to do, is very simple."
We were like, "Listening."
She goes to the closet, she opens it, she takes a broom,
she unscrews the end of the broom, she throws it at the end of her arms...
Do you remember that on the Tamagotchis, there was a key ring?
Carole is like,
"When I pass, you will put your Panangotchis
one by one on the broom!"
We're like, "Carole, don't fuck around, shit."
"Monday is a holiday. If we're not there, they will all die!"
Carole is like...
She takes her old broom of the devil, she arrives in front and says,
"Go!"
She goes around the classroom, the 32 desks,
she aligns all the Tamagotchis on it.
She takes them all in and you think it's over.
In front of the class...
She benches them!
She benches the beautiful stick
with all the little Tamagotchis hanging on it, there were 30 of them.
She says, "You won't see them again!"
She throws them in the closet.
We are in panic. We are crying, there are students crying,
because they won't make it through the weekend.
Catastrophe. We cry, our parents come to get us. Carole left already.
We say to ourselves, "When we leave the class, we don't look at her!"
We leave for the weekend like this.
Fuck, she just did a genocide. It's appalling.
We leave for the weekend. I remember getting into mother's car,
"Mom," like my mom is going to take my side.
Like she's gonna do,
"What?" And she would go to see the principal, you know?
"Mom! She stole our Tamagotchis!
She put them on a stick and in the closet!"
My mom is like, "I don't care."
She takes off and leaves.
We spent the weekend-- I remember childhood trauma.
It's the weekend, I'm at home, in my bed and I hear...
I hear them dying.
In the wardrobe, at school, you know? I was like,
"Seriously, I hope the janitor will feed them."
I really wanted someone to save the day.
Finally, on Monday, the worst part of the story,
it was the moment when the beautiful Carole gave us back
our dead Tamagotchis staring at us in the eyes.
I was, "You're a crazy bitch."
For the past four years, I have been an uncle.
I'm not going to make bad uncle's jokes. We're going somewhere else.
I keep asking myself, when you become an uncle,
when you say things, it sounds like an uncle.
I realized it was too late. Especially when I talk about...
That's when I... Just by saying it, you're gonna say, come on!
Shit, how old is he!
Get ready, okay?
I look like a cool uncle walking into a party,
cap to the side...
when I talk about weed!
It doesn't work. I've tried everything!
It looks like I'm a gentleman in my mid-50s,
all, "Anyone got any ganja?"
The first time I smoked weed in my life,
I remember, I had to go to physical therapy.
The reason... For the stupidest reason, my friends made me smoke,
I didn't know the effects.
I'm afraid they'll make fun of me, because a guy in my high school,
people made him smoke... parsley.
The guy was full on placebo-effect, edge-to-edge.
He was high, okay?
From the first year to the last, he was called "Parsley."
So, I was fucking afraid of becoming Rosemary.
I stay away from herbs, okay? I was really scared.
And the first time I smoked weed. Get ready, gang, it's going to be a blast.
I smoked weed, I was with my friends. I'm smoking ganja and there.
I blunt a weeds?
What are the other words?
Ya' rollin' joints?
No, less. Less.
I smoke a spliff, I'm a little high. A lot, it's bad.
I'm high on drugs and I'm walking home.
Listening to Beyoncé in my ears.
And I got so wiggly that I loosened my left hip.
Gang?
Me, a stiff fart walking to my food trip.
I see a big jar of peanut butter waiting for me and I am...
I give so much of myself that the next day, I woke up like,
"I have to be taken out of bed."
Like a big claw at the arcades that would come and take me out.
It wouldn't work. It never works. It would have grabbed my hair.
I broke a hip for a spliff.
Do you understand how bad my life is?
How did I do it? I hope someone was there.
I couldn't hear anything. I had my headphones on. I was hearing...
Outside you'd hear...
It's terrible.
Another experience with weed, after the National School of Humor,
we went to do shows in Belgium.
While we were there, we went on a trip, a day in Amsterdam,
and that was when weed was not yet legal in Canada.
I had friends who were really happy to go to Amsterdam to...
It's good, I find plenty!
For weed, busy, cover girl. Okay?
My friends were happy to go to Amsterdam to smoke.
But me, I was like, "This is going to be bad."
"No, give me some parsley!"
We arrive in Amsterdam, I think they misunderstood
when we ordered, a little lady gave us some ganja.
Because they gave us a "Baby's arm."
I don't know if you get the image. I've never seen such a big spliff.
Yes, the spliff was the "Baby's arm." They didn't kill a child. Excuse me.
Hello, we'd like some weed. He gives us a toddler. No!
I don't know what to tell you.
Baby arm, chair leg, pork tenderloin.
They give us a really big spliff. I was with some friends used to smoking,
who smoked all the time, they were not scared.
They hold it like this, and someone holds it for them.
It comes with a woman saying,
"My name is Josée, put the joint on my back."
Josée, the old spliff table.
It's a job there, in Amsterdam. It's a...
Blond Table... Later.
We smoke,
all my friends, puff, puff, pass.
Puff, puff, pass... Suck, suck, pass, No!
That's a different night, let me tell you!
That evening, Josée was there too! This is not true.
It's funny when I'm performing,
because I'm making myself laugh. Let's move on.
Suck, suck, pass!
Taste and give.
I feel like we're going down a path and we won't come back...
So, Josée... no, she isn't there.
She's bent over, she's got the spliff on her back.
Josée is like this.
We all smoke, it seems like my friends can handle weed better than me.
Not there, 'cause the spliff was really strong. Everyone is shattered.
We're in a small café. The atmosphere is a bit creepy.
Everyone is sitting around the table, I'm sitting,
and I started the biggest bad trip I've ever had in my life.
I stare at the table and the table is glass.
There are gears underneath and the table moves.
First, I was, "What's the idea of having a table like that
in a place where the world is altered?"
Even a plain old Ikea would be fine? No, problem.
I am like... the table moves, and then...
A friend of mine, Madeleine, decides to go to the bathroom.
She is in the same state, she goes to the bathrooms,
but the bathroom of this indoor café
is one where they decided to put the light switch outside.
It should be illegal.
Sometimes you look for it for a long time, even sober.
Imagine when you're high. Now Madeleine goes to the bathrooms...
the answer to the whole solution was this: The switch is outside.
Madeleine goes into the bathroom, in the dark, she closes the door,
she starts to feel around.
She's high and in the dark.
She starts to touch around to find the switch.
She will never think that it is outside.
She leaves, she makes a first turn.
It was a big bathroom, you know.
In the dark, for her, she experienced death.
Must've been terrible. She talks about it. I say, "See a psychiatrist, baby."
So, she is like this, she turns around, she doesn't find it and does...
I know! It must be higher!
Fuck, she does another round.
You're like, she'll understand! It has to be the outer model.
She is like... I know! It must be for people with reduced mobility!
They put it lower. So, Madeleine...
She told me about it. Madeleine, was there for half an hour.
In the dark, scrubbing the bone walls of a bathroom. She was...
I'm like... "There, pee in the dark! Pee!"
"Pee, Madeleine, pee!"
While that's happening in the bathroom,
but in real time, in a movie, we would see my scene,
I am at the table, I fix the gear.
At one point, I look up.
Where is Madeleine?
Now I'm buzzing, because Madeleine is not here.
And Madeleine has been so long in the old dumpy bathroom,
that my brain went to places from where it can never return.
I've thought about the worst scenarios. I'm on a trip, this is supposed to be fun.
I'm stoned in an old dirty café, sitting at a table
and I think that my best friend is dead.
I experienced the mourning of my best friend staring at a moving table!
I was like, "Madeleine!" I was crying.
I was anxious and then, immediately, my brain... I'm at a point where
I googled the number of the Canadian embassy
to know how to repatriate a body!
I'm googling embassy.com.
How do you reach the embassy? What is an embassy? I'm thinking...
What is an embassy? Ambassador. I do slam poetry, I was going mad.
Embassy, ambassador, barricaded! Understand?
Remains... In any case.
I'm like... I look up and I see Madeleine coming back,
I think I see a ghost.
I'm like...
So I'm like--
The evening passes too quickly when I don't want it to end.
I locked the doors, you are stuck here, shit!
I'll go with one last anecdote. I'll tell this quickly.
I'll close it quickly, because it's quite funny,
I went to my conventum. There was a lot of fuss.
Before my conventum, yes.
I look like an uncle again, I said "Fuss."
The organizers of my conventum have announced
on the Facebook group of my conventum that we were going to eat fondue.
I was angry too.
I'm like, "This is impossible, gang."
First, we just got out of COVID.
Fondue, I will be sitting with people that I don't know very well.
I'm not gonna dip a piece of meat with my high school bullies.
Impossible. I did some storytelling to make jokes about it,
but the people who were organizing took it personally,
like I was attacking their family.
Big post like, if you are not happy, organize it!
No, no.
Relax, calm down!
It's a joke, but at the same time, it's a shitty dinner.
Finally, they changed the meal.
It was a buffet, get your plates!
Every time I passed the table of the organizing committee, it was funny.
I was passing by with my cold sandwiches, "Fondue would have been so much better."
They wanted to kill me. They wanted to kill me.
Something happened that I didn't mention on social media,
I was afraid it would be criminal. But, I'm going to tell it on Netflix.
I am okay with it.
I'm down to tell you about it.
So you're pretty close! How is it going?
Two people didn't show up! I hate them.
At the end of my conventum, we were in Saguenay, with my friends,
we decide... It's 4:00 am, we are tipsy,
we really want to go eat crap, okay?
We are heading towards the most famous fast-food chain,
I don't know if we can say it, because of Netflix... McDonald's!
The conventum is over, classic drunk and tipsy behavior,
you dream of eating crap.
We take a cab to the McDoo.
When we arrive there, we realize that the McDonald's is closed.
We ask our taxi driver-- we are just too nice--
We are not that nice. We're loud and we're a little soft.
Like, carry us!
I'm like, "Hey, McDonald's is closed."
"Is it possible to drive us somewhere else?"
"No."
I am really insulted.
I go out with all the decorum in the world.
I swear, I said it before I slammed the door,
I try to stand straight, "I'm really disappointed."
I'm not his mother, he doesn't care!
"I'm not angry, I'm disappointed, Steve."
We are lost in a McDonald's parking lot at 4:00 am.
My friends are doing other things, they try to call another cab.
I'm like, "It pisses me off that McDonald's is closed!"
I'm sure I did that.
I'm like... so...
A pain in the ass.
It's a big ram in my head.
Fuck, the pandemic has stolen our fast food! I'm not well.
The shortage, the inflation, come on! I am committed.
I turned into Guy Nantel. And then,
I did a vox pop. Not true.
I'm at McDonald's, I am angry in my head, I grab the door,
I'm like, "This is annoying," I wanted to have
the satisfaction of living a kind of...
you know, the locked door.
I do...
The McDonald's was not locked.
Yes, wait a minute, god damn it!
No, it's definitely open! It's definitely open.
It can't be true. I open it.
I say to friends, "It's open. Let's go in."
Little raptors!
Staged, the door is over there, I am like...
That's when it's locked.
I'll do it again.
It's fucking fun!
It looks like I'm shooting a gun. Here.
So.
I open the door, it's open. I'm like, "No, no, no!"
I enter the McDonald's.
I'm in the middle of a McDonald's.
Empty. Alone.
Now I'm like, "No, no, no."
First, in my head, "Let's get the fryers going!
Making you a happy meal."
Here it goes. I never worked here,
I put on black shoes, I'm the shift supervisor, I slide in.
You are sweet, thank you.
Just realized I am at the Bell Centre. Weird, let's keep going.
It's just crazy, okay.
I'm in a McDonald's. It can't be empty.
Doors won't open at 4:00 a.m., it's empty.
In my head, I got an order. I'm making french fries.
They say, "You can't do that."
No, of course. Canceled.
I'll be canceled tomorrow for stealing from a McDoo.
I tell myself I'm really hungry. I'm really hungry.
I turn, I see the beautiful rack full of muffins
for the next day.
I'm like, I'm a thief, but I feel more like a Robin Hood.
I'll help myself,
but I will pay, you understand?
That's super honest. In the beginning, I'm intense in life.
It's all or nothing.
In my head it's either I take no muffin,
or I'm going to the basement to get a hand truck to leave with the fridge.
I was like, "I'm going to leave $2,000," I was really not well.
At first, I put out baskets of muffins. Forty per basket.
Put them on counter. I say to friends,
How much you think it's worth?
A drunk friend of mine, she takes her calculator--
"How much is a muffin?"
We look like three Gollums in a McDonald's!
These are not rings, these are muffins.
Our precious ones.
My friend is like, "I calculate 200."
My other, more reasonable friend says, "It's a little ghastly,
there's three of us". Can't leave with 150 muffins.
Finally, I put the racks back in the thing. I take four. I leave $15.
Think about it, it's a mathematical problem.
Mathieu goes to McDonald's.
Mathieu takes 55 muffins.
He places them on the counter.
Puts back 55, subtracts four,
and puts them back. How much does Mathieu spend?
I left $15,
but I thought the mentality was
so Saguenay-Lac-Saint-Jean, 'cause in Saguenay, I have so many stories
of my relatives going snowmobiling or anywhere, say,
"Fuck, we are out of gas!" They go to a cottage,
break the window to get in, but say, "We left a note."
I understand.
I really felt the same way,
so we left a note, "Good evening, we were here."
Seriously, I almost wrote the lyrics.
Wednesday morning, the king, His wife and his little prince...
We wrote a note, we left it on the counter,
and we left, like a bunch of petty thugs.
We left the money, we were like this... Little muffins!
We went out the door. The next day, I wake up,
still in my bed, I think,
for sure I'm on Info-Crime.
I'm on every TV channel right now.
This is me, my old footage
in black and white stealing muffins. That's for sure.
I'm like, no, no, no. I get completely anxious.
I open my Instagram, in my message requests,
I see a message,
"Were the muffins good?"
And I have the footage from the cameras!
In our heads, we thought we looked straight,
I look like the drunken aunt on New Year's.
I'm like...
I take out the muffins, Put on the counter, I left.
It's terrible, it's the manager,
someone called the police at 4:00 a.m.
saying that people invaded the McDonald's.
What is the real word?
Invaded, can I say that?
Sounds a bit like Vaseline.
They sent it to me. People called 9-1-1.
The manager came over to see what's going on,
looked at the cameras, said, "That looks like Math Duff." He zoomed in, it was me.
In the end, he laughed, it was okay, no retaliation,
at first, I didn't know his mindset.
He just wrote, "Were the muffins good?"
It could have been Mom. "Were the muffins good, love?"
Or a big fat sheriff with four guns on his belt.
"So, were the muffins good?"
I was anxious and replied, "Hi, do you have the money?"
I felt so guilty. Like really guilty.
I even rewrote, "Was the amount enough?
I can go back and give more!"
He was, "That's okay." Got the math. Damn good story.
I didn't want to go to jail!
This year, at the Gala les Oliviers,
a number caught my attention.
Made me laugh, favorite moment of the evening.
My team kept the surprise for me. My guest is coming.
She's going to roast me. I don't know what she's gonna say.
Let's find out together. Do you want to?
I'm happy to have her with me at the Bell Centre,
Ladies, gentlemen, I just love her,
she is just so nice. I love her so much, she's a gem.
Make noise. And welcome my friend
Ève Côté!
Wow!
Good evening, Bell Centre!
Wow!
Here is the order I got,
your own production team, Mathieu, that you love, called me,
asked, "Do you want to come roast Mathieu in front of 15,000 people,
to keep him grounded in spite of this amphitheater?"
I said, "What time do you need me?"
I wrote my insults on t-shirts,
I'll hail them into the crowd,
I had a contact for a t-shirt gun, they gave me something with torque.
Front rows, if you see one coming,
bend over, it's going to fly!
Fire!
Take a good look.
Boom!
Show us the fart face at Marie-Lyne Joncas, remember?
It was in your transition before being handsome?
Before having the hair of an 80's heavy metal singer,
his little-ass groupies on powder.
You think he's beautiful, but it's just since 2019 that he's beautiful.
Before, it was more Math Boff than Math Duff.
I'm really happy to be here,
you remember the time...
They are not written on the back?
Why not? It says on the t-shirts.
Debug me. Debug me.
Shall I continue?
We'll remember how handsome you were.
No, you weren't handsome, handsome, but now, you're fucking hot.
Hey.
Beautiful baby.
A word of advice, never put on a rejuvenating lotion
on your face, you don't want to go back there.
Look forward, my friend. Backwards, it hurts too much!
We don't know what he does. He is a comedian, he is an influencer,
he is a life coach, he is friends with famous people.
We don't know what you do!
You have the same job as the creeps in the ads of 15 seconds
that cut off our videos!
Being on social media to piss us off!
Never forget, buddy, no more Wi-Fi, no more Math Duff.
Mathieu is naïve. In fact, he has a beautiful innocence.
One time, he tells me that his brakes failed on the 20.
Brakes don't fail, my love, they are cut.
It is the boss of the hotel who found your stinking salmon
in the dishwasher the next day.
Or he's got your damn "Poulet crû" tune in his head.
What's the difference between a groundhog crushed on the side of the highway,
signs on the edge of the 20?
When someone passes by the groundhog,
no one thinks, "Who is that, Kekou?"
I'll try to launch it high, way, way up!
Big summer, my love?
We can see you in Montreal, in Val-d'Or,
aux Îles-de-la-Madeleine, in Alma...
You're doing five shows this summer.
Are you the opening act for Marie-Chantal Toupin, fuck?
Curse you, Bell Centre!
Yes!
Mathieu, you deserve your success.
Don't deserve the money, but you deserve success.
The Mathieu Dufour phenomenon!
Mathieu has the same background as Dr. Arruda.
Put on the map with Coronavirus.
If he was able to fill Bell Centre tonight,
it's thanks to death of more than 15,000 Quebecers.
for capitalizing on it!
CURSE YOU, BELL CENTRE!
Tonight, I was the one working here.
I came to disgust you. I threw things,
I'm leaving without cleaning.
A round of applause for Ève Côté!
Thank you!
I love you!
What happened during the pandemic, it's going to be two years,
we had a silly idea, a person you know and me.
And we decided to record a song.
We decided to record a song and I think...
Wait, this won't take long.
We decided to record a song,
but the people at Netflix probably have no idea about this.
It made it to the top
and was on the iTunes charts in Canada.
But, Véronique Cloutier and I,
if you don't know her, she's the Canadian Oprah Winfrey.
She has her own clothing brand, she is a TV host,
really talented, has her own TV channel.
She has everything. We just love her.
We recorded a really silly song.
As a joke, really.
It made it to number one on iTunes Canada, ahead of Edgie Ren,
Olivia Rodrigo, it doesn't make sense how far this joke has gone.
And I told myself that it was impossible
to do my first Bell Centre without performing this song.
We're going to sing "Poulet crû". It's on!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Véronique Cloutier!
Did you think we would sing "Poulet crû" here one day?
No, but we're there, I think.
It's dark as a bear's ass
It's dark as a pussycat's asshole
It's dark as a bear's ass
It's dark as a pussycat's asshole
It's dark in my ass It's dark in the street
It is dark
It's dark in my ass It's dark in the street
It is dark
Dark in my ass Dark in the street
Dark everywhere like In a pussycat's asshole
Come on...
All chickens in the dark
It's dark as a bear's ass
It's dark as a pussycat's asshole
It is dark
It's dark as a bear's ass
It's dark as a pussycat's asshole
It's dark in my ass
It's dark in the street
It is dark
Sing, everyone!
It's dark in my ass It's dark in the street
It is dark
Everyone!
Bun!
Everybody up!
Véronique!
It's 2022!
Come on, arms in the air!
Three, four.
You can get up. It was just the rest of them.
Wow!
Véro, we did it!
Unbelievable.
Hello Bell Centre. Hello Netflix.
Can you believe night after night, you without makeup,
your hair not done, me drunk in my apartment.
I didn't understand anything about tonight.
Neither did you, huh? It's amazing.
Thank you for this opportunity, thanks all, you are amazing.
You are a great audience.
What a joy.
It was awesome to do this,
it doesn't make sense,
we had dancers with us. It's crazy.
Can we give a big round of applause to the dancers,
ladies and gentlemen?
Ladies and Gentlemen, Véronique Cloutier!
And above all, your star, tonight, Mathieu Dufour!
Thanks, gang!
Come on, I'm going to cry.
No, no, no.
Gang.
Thank you. Thank you so much, gang.
I'll take another five seconds. Sit down,
me too.
Hi, your face is in my crotch.
I want to take the time to say
how it was an incredibly awesome evening you made me live. It is surreal.
Thank you for coming, for being here.
Doesn't make sense to have started this
Bell Centre madness mid-Coronavirus.
Finally, after the pandemic, we can get together
and see each other. It's crazy.
I feel like it's been years, why, it's been two years.
The evening tonight is the most emotional evening ever
and it's because of you. So a big thank you.
It's amazing.
I can't believe it...
It's completely crazy.
Have to find a way to finish this show.
And I've found one.
Music.
Everyone.
To finish the evening, I decided to go back through the trapdoor
that I entered from.
Thank you for being here.
Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time at the Bell Centre,
Mathieu Dufour!
PRESENTED IN MONTREAL DURING JUST FOR LAUGHS FESTIVAL JULY 2022
Subtitle translation by: Marjolaine Dulude