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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
welcome Matt Braunger.

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Amazing.

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Thank you.

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Thank you.

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Wow, thanks.

8
00:00:29,305 --> 00:00:30,789
Hey.

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00:00:30,789 --> 00:00:31,617
Hi.

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Thank you guys.

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This is great.

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Before I get started,

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please do not be intimidated
by my celebrity, please.

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Just don't, okay.

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I'm gonna call out theelephant in the room, yes, yes.

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Okay, we are all,

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I'm sure you've talked about it.

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I was in the Halloween
episode of "iCarly" in 2007.

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Yes, yeah.

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It's really me,

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it's actually me.

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I walk among you, I know.

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I'll let you touch me
later, I'm just a man, okay.

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00:01:01,544 --> 00:01:04,512
Let's just get that right
out of the way, okay.

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00:01:04,512 --> 00:01:07,067
I don't think celebrity
exists anymore,

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00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,518
after all the crap we've been
through the last two years,

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I think it's dead.

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It doesn't matter
if someone's famous anymore,

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as much.

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00:01:16,697 --> 00:01:18,423
Though, I think we
all have that person

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that if we saw them,

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we'd be like,

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"It's them!

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"No look,

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"no, don't look, but look,

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00:01:26,189 --> 00:01:27,708
"but don't look, but look. "

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00:01:29,399 --> 00:01:30,918
And I was very surprised

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to find out my geek out
celebrity was Taye Diggs.

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Do you guys know who that is?

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I was like,

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"What, I didn't know I was
on this guy's jock so much,

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00:01:42,412 --> 00:01:43,586
"That's wild."

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00:01:44,587 --> 00:01:46,036
Granted, amazing actor,

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a beautiful chocolate man.

45
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But like, I mean...

46
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And I will admit it,

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I love a hot dude.

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I do love a hot dude.

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I'm I'm glad they're around.

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They really bring
a room together.

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I like to see a good look...

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To me, it's like looking
at a sunset or a horse.

53
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I'm not attracted.

54
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I'm like, "Look at him.

55
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"I'm glad he's here.

56
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"The party's lit."

57
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You ever been in a party
and a dude walks in.

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You're like, "Who the
fuck is that guy?!

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"All right, there, he is.

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"Nice!

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00:02:18,276 --> 00:02:19,242
"This is awesome!"

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I just like to objectify,
you know,

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and I'm done doing
it with women.

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I think that is dead,

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enough of that.

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Women have had enough
objectification.

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Let's start objectifying
men as straight men,

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that's what I say,
let's switch it.

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Why not?

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I like a beautiful man.

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And it's fun to do
it to their face.

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I'm married,

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I'm beyond off the market.

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I will make a hot dude feel
uncomfortable at a party.

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Just walk right
off to them like,

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"All right, this is great.

77
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"I'm digging this, yeah.

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00:02:58,350 --> 00:03:00,663
"Yeah, look at you, all right."

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00:03:00,663 --> 00:03:03,493
Just stare at a weird part
like his stomach or something.

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"Yeah, that's
great, I love this.

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"Spin around, let me
see the whole package."

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He's like, "I'm not gay, man."

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"Neither am I, fucker,

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"What's up?

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"What are we doing later?"

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He's like, "I don't know,
who's friend is this?

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"This is really weird.

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"Not into this."

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Objectifying dudes.

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I don't think it's
my fault though,

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'cause I grew up in
the homoeroticism

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of 80s action movies.

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Anybody else?

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Ridiculous.

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Every guy was shirtless,
cut, and shiny,

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everybody.

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Every "Rocky" movie.

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I've seen so many
boxing matches,

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I've never seen them whip
out a bucket of baby oil,

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00:03:43,878 --> 00:03:46,053
like they did in "Rocky."

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00:03:46,053 --> 00:03:49,332
Why did Ivan Drago look
like he was made of chrome?

102
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It made no sense.

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Just gleaming, so much.

104
00:03:54,544 --> 00:03:57,375
Schwarzenegger, "Rambo,"

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everybody was just
veiny, muscular,

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00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:01,379
just steroided out.

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00:04:01,379 --> 00:04:05,106
And this was a time
where I was judged

108
00:04:05,106 --> 00:04:08,386
if I said any of my
friends was attractive,

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if they were a man.

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I'd be like, "Well,
Zach's good-looking."

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Like, "Ooh!"

112
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Everyone freak out,

113
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"What, are you queer?

114
00:04:15,393 --> 00:04:16,704
"You wanna marry him?"

115
00:04:16,704 --> 00:04:18,568
Like, "I'm not gonna
marry you, Dennis.

116
00:04:18,568 --> 00:04:20,190
"You're ugly as fuck!

117
00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:24,436
"If I had to marry a
man, I would take Zach.

118
00:04:24,436 --> 00:04:26,196
"He has gentle eyes.

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"Son of a bitch."

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Ridiculous times.

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00:04:32,893 --> 00:04:36,621
Jean Claude van Damme
doing his crazy splits.

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It was so...

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00:04:37,587 --> 00:04:38,623
All of us, guys, were like,

124
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"Yeah, I like that.

125
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"I like his body,

126
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"I like the way he moves.

127
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"Queer, what?"

128
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Who cares?

129
00:04:45,768 --> 00:04:47,287
But you know what
number one was?

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00:04:48,771 --> 00:04:49,944
You're thinking and
I'm thinking it,

131
00:04:49,944 --> 00:04:51,256
"Road House."

132
00:04:52,119 --> 00:04:54,466
Oh, "Road House."

133
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Sweet Swayze, who just danced
his way through every role.

134
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Just dancing,

135
00:05:01,266 --> 00:05:03,441
always dancing.

136
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I loved Swayze,

137
00:05:04,407 --> 00:05:05,822
I miss him every day, man.

138
00:05:05,822 --> 00:05:07,099
"Road House" is the best.

139
00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:09,930
Dalton, best cooler
in the business.

140
00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:11,828
Plus, side note,

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00:05:11,828 --> 00:05:14,279
be nice until it's
not time to be nice,

142
00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:16,799
that should be America's
slogan, you guys.

143
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,284
That should be on the flag,

144
00:05:19,284 --> 00:05:21,286
one of the stripes
should just say that.

145
00:05:23,461 --> 00:05:25,117
But back to hot dudes,

146
00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:26,291
he was the hottest.

147
00:05:27,465 --> 00:05:28,949
He was the hottest.

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Doing kung fu in the
morning, shirtless.

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Right on the lake.

150
00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:34,506
But kung fu in the
morning, shirtless.

151
00:05:34,506 --> 00:05:36,128
Sure, but wear some sweatpants,

152
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not these,

153
00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:39,511
tightest jeans ever.

154
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Just can't kick above the waist.

155
00:05:42,756 --> 00:05:43,653
It's ridiculous.

156
00:05:43,653 --> 00:05:45,517
A huge rodeo belt buckle,

157
00:05:45,517 --> 00:05:48,693
that doesn't make
for mobility, Swayze.

158
00:05:48,693 --> 00:05:50,142
What are you doing?

159
00:05:51,489 --> 00:05:53,007
I love it so much.

160
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I have a bit of an ulterior
motive telling you this

161
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because I am starting
a petition, a movement.

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I want to get every bouncer
at every comedy club

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to dress like morning Dalton.

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Just all of them.

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Mullet wigs, no shirt, greased,

166
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the tightest jeans imaginable,

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00:06:12,993 --> 00:06:14,857
huge belt buckle.

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00:06:14,857 --> 00:06:16,376
And just have them
surround the room,

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just line the walls.

170
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As you are filing in,

171
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they're just standing there.

172
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I just wanna see a
couple people be like,

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"Is this Thunder Down Under?

174
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"Am I on the wrong night?

175
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"This feels very strange.

176
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"Is it gay night?

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"I don't care, but is it?

178
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"None of them will talk to me.

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00:06:32,012 --> 00:06:32,840
"Guys?"

180
00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:36,913
Do you know why I
like a hot dude?

181
00:06:36,913 --> 00:06:37,811
Yeah, we're still going.

182
00:06:37,811 --> 00:06:38,639
You know why?

183
00:06:41,090 --> 00:06:42,540
It's 'cause I like seeing stuff

184
00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:43,541
that I'm not.

185
00:06:43,541 --> 00:06:44,404
And whoa, stop,

186
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,232
stop yelling,

187
00:06:45,232 --> 00:06:46,060
enough, stop.

188
00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:47,407
Okay, I'm hot enough.

189
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,925
Calm down.

190
00:06:48,925 --> 00:06:52,204
Let's 'cause that riot I
was worried about, Jesus.

191
00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:53,551
I'm fine.

192
00:06:53,551 --> 00:06:56,208
But I'm talking movie star hot,

193
00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:58,210
that thick hair that they have.

194
00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,764
You know what I'm talking about?

195
00:06:59,764 --> 00:07:01,213
That werewolf hair

196
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:02,249
where it's like a forehead,

197
00:07:02,249 --> 00:07:03,699
then there's a tree line,

198
00:07:03,699 --> 00:07:05,528
this thick,

199
00:07:05,528 --> 00:07:06,909
just a thick moss

200
00:07:06,909 --> 00:07:09,256
you can't put your
fingers through.

201
00:07:09,256 --> 00:07:10,533
That's hot dude hair.

202
00:07:11,914 --> 00:07:14,399
I worked with Jake
Gyllenhaal in New York once.

203
00:07:14,399 --> 00:07:15,573
And I say worked with,

204
00:07:15,573 --> 00:07:17,229
we were on the same benefit show

205
00:07:17,229 --> 00:07:18,852
that went four hours long.

206
00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:21,613
And he's well put together.

207
00:07:21,613 --> 00:07:23,753
He is good looking as hell.

208
00:07:23,753 --> 00:07:26,238
I'm not blowing your mind here.

209
00:07:26,238 --> 00:07:27,447
I wouldn't let him fuck.

210
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,069
He's got those creepy
night crawler eyes.

211
00:07:30,415 --> 00:07:32,072
I don't wanna look
in the mirror .

212
00:07:32,072 --> 00:07:33,591
Not for me.

213
00:07:33,591 --> 00:07:35,593
But it was like me, him,
and a bunch of bands.

214
00:07:35,593 --> 00:07:37,042
And I had to follow him.

215
00:07:37,042 --> 00:07:38,285
He did a monologue

216
00:07:38,285 --> 00:07:40,598
from this beautiful,
two-man play he was in,

217
00:07:40,598 --> 00:07:42,738
that was running on
Broadway at the time.

218
00:07:42,738 --> 00:07:43,946
And I remember sitting
there and going,

219
00:07:43,946 --> 00:07:45,741
"Man, this guy's
really talented."

220
00:07:45,741 --> 00:07:46,776
And they're like, "You're next."

221
00:07:46,776 --> 00:07:47,915
And I'm like, "why, why,

222
00:07:47,915 --> 00:07:50,435
"why am I after that?"

223
00:07:50,435 --> 00:07:51,954
What a beautiful monologue,

224
00:07:51,954 --> 00:07:54,301
and now Dick Jokes
Magoo, coming up.

225
00:07:55,923 --> 00:07:57,131
So I was like,

226
00:07:57,131 --> 00:07:58,961
let me just call this
out and make fun of it.

227
00:07:58,961 --> 00:08:01,411
So I just went out
there after him

228
00:08:01,411 --> 00:08:02,274
and was just like,

229
00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:03,483
"Give it up for my twin Jake."

230
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:06,486
And they laughed so hard
it hurt my feelings.

231
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,592
It killed so hard.

232
00:08:09,592 --> 00:08:11,145
People were crying like,

233
00:08:11,145 --> 00:08:11,974
"Oh my God!

234
00:08:16,979 --> 00:08:18,428
"He said he's his twin.

235
00:08:20,085 --> 00:08:21,328
"I think I'm gonna shit.

236
00:08:21,328 --> 00:08:22,329
"We should go."

237
00:08:23,986 --> 00:08:25,815
It's like, "Fuck you guys.

238
00:08:26,816 --> 00:08:28,577
"I'm not a monster."

239
00:08:30,613 --> 00:08:31,821
But he has that hair.

240
00:08:31,821 --> 00:08:33,305
If you tried to run
your fingers through it,

241
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:34,134
you get caught.

242
00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:36,792
Know what it is, the barometer?

243
00:08:36,792 --> 00:08:37,655
Pomade,

244
00:08:37,655 --> 00:08:38,966
pomade.

245
00:08:38,966 --> 00:08:41,279
It's any dude that
can use pomade.

246
00:08:41,279 --> 00:08:42,798
You guys know pomade?

247
00:08:42,798 --> 00:08:45,145
You can put it on your head
and an engine, same thing.

248
00:08:49,183 --> 00:08:50,668
Like a greaser.

249
00:08:50,668 --> 00:08:54,154
Elvis, or Morrisey, or
Fabians do a big wave Dave.

250
00:08:54,154 --> 00:08:55,155
Never,

251
00:08:55,155 --> 00:08:56,812
could never, ever, ever do that.

252
00:08:56,812 --> 00:09:01,057
My hair has always
been thin and curly.

253
00:09:01,057 --> 00:09:02,852
If I ever use pomade,

254
00:09:02,852 --> 00:09:04,716
pubes right away,

255
00:09:04,716 --> 00:09:06,684
just a handful of pubic hair.

256
00:09:06,684 --> 00:09:10,170
"Ugh, may I have this dance?

257
00:09:10,170 --> 00:09:11,689
"I'm a testicle with eyes.

258
00:09:11,689 --> 00:09:12,690
"Would you...

259
00:09:12,690 --> 00:09:15,037
"Why are you running, please?"

260
00:09:18,178 --> 00:09:19,559
Not a good look, ladies.

261
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,181
Not the best.

262
00:09:22,492 --> 00:09:23,873
Though, you know what?

263
00:09:23,873 --> 00:09:26,220
I'm married, but
if I was single,

264
00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:27,049
I would do it.

265
00:09:27,049 --> 00:09:27,981
I would pube up.

266
00:09:27,981 --> 00:09:28,809
I would.

267
00:09:30,190 --> 00:09:31,329
Obviously subliminal,

268
00:09:31,329 --> 00:09:32,399
as a message,

269
00:09:32,399 --> 00:09:34,504
'cause as we all know,

270
00:09:34,504 --> 00:09:35,333
to say the obvious,

271
00:09:35,333 --> 00:09:36,541
women love balls.

272
00:09:36,541 --> 00:09:37,715
They love them.

273
00:09:37,715 --> 00:09:40,200
They love testicles
and scrotums,

274
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,028
they love them.

275
00:09:42,202 --> 00:09:43,237
That's nice.

276
00:09:44,066 --> 00:09:45,067
But it's weird

277
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,724
'cause they lust after them,

278
00:09:46,724 --> 00:09:48,553
them just by themselves.

279
00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,832
It doesn't make me feel great

280
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,077
to have a part of my body.

281
00:09:55,077 --> 00:09:58,736
I mean every guy here has been
around a bunch of drunk women

282
00:09:58,736 --> 00:10:00,565
and they don't know
that he's there,

283
00:10:00,565 --> 00:10:01,393
they don't care.

284
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:02,567
And they're just like,

285
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:04,742
"Ugh, just wanna get
some sack tonight.

286
00:10:05,950 --> 00:10:07,883
"I wanna get some
sweet ball bag.

287
00:10:09,436 --> 00:10:12,404
"I just wanna fuck a
guy and grab his nuts."

288
00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:13,923
Take it, bitch.

289
00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:16,892
Come on, stop.

290
00:10:16,892 --> 00:10:18,928
Your magazines,

291
00:10:18,928 --> 00:10:20,585
Ball-Bag Quarterly,

292
00:10:21,793 --> 00:10:23,105
Heavy Hangers.

293
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:26,108
And women are like,
"Are they real?"

294
00:10:26,108 --> 00:10:27,765
That's how bad it is.

295
00:10:27,765 --> 00:10:30,112
I thankfully was born
with big round nuts.

296
00:10:30,112 --> 00:10:32,114
But there's guys
who get implants

297
00:10:32,114 --> 00:10:33,287
because they feel lesser,

298
00:10:33,287 --> 00:10:36,256
because you ladies like
them big and round.

299
00:10:38,948 --> 00:10:40,467
And look, I don't
wanna get serious.

300
00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:42,262
I didn't think I would
get off on a soapbox here.

301
00:10:42,262 --> 00:10:44,298
But every man in this room

302
00:10:44,298 --> 00:10:45,921
was in high school at one point.

303
00:10:47,301 --> 00:10:49,407
And you developed,

304
00:10:49,407 --> 00:10:50,615
your balls got big.

305
00:10:50,615 --> 00:10:52,272
And then all of a
sudden women notice you,

306
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:54,964
and start talking to you,

307
00:10:54,964 --> 00:10:56,276
and they want to hang out.

308
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,107
And then a girl is like,
"Do you wanna go on a date?"

309
00:11:00,107 --> 00:11:01,315
And you're like, "Totally."

310
00:11:01,315 --> 00:11:03,801
And you think she
likes you for you and,

311
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,150
you're making out in the car,

312
00:11:09,634 --> 00:11:12,775
and she won't stop trying
to touch your balls.

313
00:11:12,775 --> 00:11:13,603
Like, "Stop,

314
00:11:13,603 --> 00:11:14,639
"stop.

315
00:11:14,639 --> 00:11:16,641
"No, I'm not ready.

316
00:11:16,641 --> 00:11:19,299
"Lisa, please, stop.

317
00:11:19,299 --> 00:11:21,611
"Not even over the
denim, stop it.

318
00:11:21,611 --> 00:11:23,821
"Lisa, stop.

319
00:11:23,821 --> 00:11:24,994
"I don't know you that well,

320
00:11:24,994 --> 00:11:26,996
"stop, I said no.

321
00:11:26,996 --> 00:11:28,170
You just grab her
by the wrist like,

322
00:11:28,170 --> 00:11:29,965
"Damn it, are you my girlfriend?

323
00:11:29,965 --> 00:11:30,828
"Hmm?

324
00:11:30,828 --> 00:11:31,829
"Are you my girlfriend?

325
00:11:31,829 --> 00:11:33,140
"No, no.

326
00:11:33,140 --> 00:11:35,833
"Then don't touch
my fucking balls!

327
00:11:35,833 --> 00:11:36,799
"Drive me home."

328
00:11:40,838 --> 00:11:42,667
Chicks are pigs, man.

329
00:11:42,667 --> 00:11:43,633
I'm sorry.

330
00:11:43,633 --> 00:11:44,704
I'm sorry to call it out.

331
00:11:47,845 --> 00:11:50,640
I really took that
one really far.

332
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:51,849
That was fun.

333
00:11:51,849 --> 00:11:53,989
I appreciate you guys
for rolling with it.

334
00:11:53,989 --> 00:11:54,714
Thank you.

335
00:11:57,889 --> 00:11:58,821
So dumb.

336
00:11:59,857 --> 00:12:01,168
Obviously, you know what,

337
00:12:01,168 --> 00:12:02,376
I'm talking about it,

338
00:12:02,376 --> 00:12:04,171
I am certainly not
talking about balls.

339
00:12:04,171 --> 00:12:05,690
It's very fun to watch
your faces going.

340
00:12:05,690 --> 00:12:08,382
"What the hell does he really?

341
00:12:08,382 --> 00:12:11,178
"Oh, he's talking
about, okay, right.

342
00:12:11,178 --> 00:12:12,041
"I get it,

343
00:12:12,041 --> 00:12:13,180
"switcheroo, okay.

344
00:12:13,180 --> 00:12:15,044
"Yeah."

345
00:12:15,044 --> 00:12:19,221
And I love to push that
one and I'll tell you why

346
00:12:19,221 --> 00:12:22,258
before the pandemic, I'd
done that joke five times.

347
00:12:22,258 --> 00:12:23,604
It was one of those dumb ones

348
00:12:23,604 --> 00:12:25,745
that I like doing,
'cause it's just stupid.

349
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,505
And every comic
has a stupid joke.

350
00:12:27,505 --> 00:12:29,403
They love to just trot out.

351
00:12:29,403 --> 00:12:31,543
And that one's fun for me to do,

352
00:12:32,372 --> 00:12:34,408
But I did it five times,

353
00:12:34,408 --> 00:12:36,376
five times before the lockdown.

354
00:12:36,376 --> 00:12:38,378
And all five times,

355
00:12:38,378 --> 00:12:39,897
all five.

356
00:12:39,897 --> 00:12:41,070
I never said this part,

357
00:12:41,070 --> 00:12:42,382
explaining the metaphor

358
00:12:42,382 --> 00:12:43,728
or why I like the joke.

359
00:12:43,728 --> 00:12:45,350
I would just drop it and move on

360
00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:46,558
and leave people confused.

361
00:12:47,870 --> 00:12:49,872
Five times out of five,

362
00:12:49,872 --> 00:12:51,080
I went to the lobby,

363
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,564
to take pictures
of people who came

364
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,531
or whatnot.

365
00:12:53,531 --> 00:12:54,912
Five times outta five,

366
00:12:54,912 --> 00:12:56,085
a dude came up to
me and was like,

367
00:12:56,085 --> 00:12:57,431
"Dude, good set.

368
00:12:57,431 --> 00:12:59,088
"But what's that
shit about balls?

369
00:12:59,088 --> 00:13:00,055
"Chicks hate nuts."

370
00:13:01,470 --> 00:13:04,266
Like, you're the best
man I've ever known.

371
00:13:04,266 --> 00:13:06,406
I love you so much, dude.

372
00:13:06,406 --> 00:13:08,580
You're such a dumb piece...

373
00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:09,409
Ugh.

374
00:13:09,409 --> 00:13:10,893
Never change.

375
00:13:12,239 --> 00:13:14,103
I gave this guy an
irrational hope,

376
00:13:14,103 --> 00:13:16,071
women hate balls,

377
00:13:16,071 --> 00:13:17,935
hate them.

378
00:13:17,935 --> 00:13:18,763
I'll get outta the shower.

379
00:13:18,763 --> 00:13:19,729
My wife would be like,

380
00:13:19,729 --> 00:13:20,454
"Would you wash your balls?"

381
00:13:20,454 --> 00:13:21,386
Like, "I just washed--

382
00:13:21,386 --> 00:13:22,940
"just now, I washed...

383
00:13:24,562 --> 00:13:25,390
"Did you just say that

384
00:13:25,390 --> 00:13:26,598
"'cause you hate them?

385
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:27,910
"What is this?"

386
00:13:27,910 --> 00:13:30,464
If there's a part of
us, besides our egos,

387
00:13:30,464 --> 00:13:31,603
Women could wish away,

388
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:32,812
it'd be balls.

389
00:13:33,916 --> 00:13:34,744
I just love that

390
00:13:34,744 --> 00:13:35,607
that guy was just like,

391
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,437
"Where is this woman? Damn it!

392
00:13:38,645 --> 00:13:42,131
"Where's that woman
that lusts for my nuts."

393
00:13:42,131 --> 00:13:46,791
♪ Somewhere out there

394
00:13:46,791 --> 00:13:49,932
♪ Beneath the pale moonlight

395
00:13:51,244 --> 00:13:52,590
"Where are you?"

396
00:13:56,318 --> 00:13:58,596
Okay, I've talked
about big penises,

397
00:13:58,596 --> 00:14:00,460
testicles, what next?

398
00:14:00,460 --> 00:14:01,288
Oh, I have a daughter.

399
00:14:01,288 --> 00:14:02,082
She's one.

400
00:14:03,981 --> 00:14:05,948
Work on my transitions,
a little bit.

401
00:14:07,191 --> 00:14:09,365
Yeah, we had a baby
during the pandemic

402
00:14:09,365 --> 00:14:11,816
and that was the best
thing we ever did.

403
00:14:11,816 --> 00:14:13,300
I got nothing bad
to say about that,

404
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:15,993
especially 'cause
my job went away.

405
00:14:15,993 --> 00:14:18,616
All the penis joke
emporiums closed down.

406
00:14:19,479 --> 00:14:21,170
I became a stay at home dad

407
00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:22,171
and it was great,

408
00:14:22,171 --> 00:14:23,034
and it is great.

409
00:14:23,034 --> 00:14:24,656
But like I, oh thank you.

410
00:14:27,004 --> 00:14:29,006
I will say it spoils you

411
00:14:29,006 --> 00:14:30,835
because I missed the crowds,

412
00:14:30,835 --> 00:14:32,699
but God damn,

413
00:14:32,699 --> 00:14:35,184
if like a baby isn't
the best audience ever.

414
00:14:35,184 --> 00:14:36,876
Nothing you do is wrong.

415
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,361
They're impressed by everything.

416
00:14:39,361 --> 00:14:40,672
They're just like,

417
00:14:40,672 --> 00:14:41,846
"You have keys to jingle
in front of my face

418
00:14:41,846 --> 00:14:44,055
"and you know exactly
where the Cheerios are?

419
00:14:44,055 --> 00:14:46,471
"You're the tits, dad!

420
00:14:46,471 --> 00:14:47,507
"A king."

421
00:14:49,233 --> 00:14:51,407
It's the absolute best.

422
00:14:51,407 --> 00:14:55,549
And we went to drive to
Oregon, where I grew up,

423
00:14:55,549 --> 00:14:57,551
to show the baby off, right on,

424
00:14:57,551 --> 00:14:59,519
show the baby off to my parents.

425
00:14:59,519 --> 00:15:00,658
They live in Portland.

426
00:15:00,658 --> 00:15:02,004
And then, I dunno if you heard,

427
00:15:02,004 --> 00:15:04,041
but Oregon caught
fire at that point.

428
00:15:04,041 --> 00:15:05,732
Just the whole state.

429
00:15:05,732 --> 00:15:07,699
And so like, "Oh,
let's stay put."

430
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:11,876
And then California got
jealous and it caught fire too.

431
00:15:11,876 --> 00:15:14,051
And so we lost our minds,

432
00:15:14,051 --> 00:15:16,053
I think a lot of us did
that during the lockdown.

433
00:15:16,053 --> 00:15:21,541
And we drove 3,338
miles, I think,

434
00:15:21,541 --> 00:15:24,233
to Boston, Massachusetts,
from Los Angeles

435
00:15:24,233 --> 00:15:25,890
with a six-week-old,

436
00:15:25,890 --> 00:15:28,893
just like weird pioneers
in an electric car,

437
00:15:28,893 --> 00:15:30,550
going across the country.

438
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,864
And it was a great thing to do.

439
00:15:34,864 --> 00:15:36,107
I'm proud of us.

440
00:15:36,107 --> 00:15:37,902
I can't believe we made it.

441
00:15:37,902 --> 00:15:40,629
I can't believe I did that.

442
00:15:40,629 --> 00:15:42,113
Two weeks ago I was
sitting on my porch

443
00:15:42,113 --> 00:15:44,736
with my one-year-old
and I remembered,

444
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,428
I live in a cul-de-sac
that echoes.

445
00:15:46,428 --> 00:15:47,877
And I went, "Jesus, fuck!"

446
00:15:47,877 --> 00:15:50,052
I just screamed it.

447
00:15:50,052 --> 00:15:52,261
My baby got startled.

448
00:15:52,261 --> 00:15:53,124
'Cause it just hit me

449
00:15:53,124 --> 00:15:53,953
"I did,

450
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,230
"what the, what?

451
00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:56,093
"what?"

452
00:15:56,093 --> 00:15:57,439
It's was nuts

453
00:15:57,439 --> 00:16:00,787
But we met every kind of person.

454
00:16:00,787 --> 00:16:03,617
And it was enlightening
and enriching

455
00:16:03,617 --> 00:16:05,102
because I met people

456
00:16:05,102 --> 00:16:08,933
I would diametrically
disagree with online,

457
00:16:08,933 --> 00:16:11,798
but face-to-face,
we got along fine

458
00:16:11,798 --> 00:16:14,283
'cause we were all going
through this big thing together.

459
00:16:14,283 --> 00:16:17,079
I think the problem
is maybe the internet.

460
00:16:18,391 --> 00:16:19,288
I dunno.

461
00:16:19,288 --> 00:16:20,013
I don't know.

462
00:16:20,289 --> 00:16:21,463
There could be someone
making money off us.

463
00:16:21,463 --> 00:16:22,429
Just throwing that out there.

464
00:16:24,293 --> 00:16:25,294
I dunno if that's true.

465
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,125
But I definitely had prejudices.

466
00:16:28,125 --> 00:16:30,299
I definitely had stuff
that I looked at.

467
00:16:30,299 --> 00:16:31,783
I was like, "Oh,
this person is that,

468
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:32,957
"and this person is that."

469
00:16:32,957 --> 00:16:35,339
I'll never do that again, man.

470
00:16:35,339 --> 00:16:36,823
No matter what,

471
00:16:36,823 --> 00:16:40,965
'cause I had the most like
assumption-shattering experience

472
00:16:40,965 --> 00:16:42,829
when we're driving,
going through Nebraska,

473
00:16:42,829 --> 00:16:44,313
and Rose had a blowout.

474
00:16:44,313 --> 00:16:45,832
And it was a blowout,

475
00:16:45,832 --> 00:16:48,490
like someone put five
M-80s in a towel.

476
00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:51,493
It just sounded muffled,

477
00:16:51,493 --> 00:16:53,288
like in the old War War II movie

478
00:16:53,288 --> 00:16:54,599
where the guy's like, "Grenade!"

479
00:16:54,599 --> 00:16:55,635
Lands on it.

480
00:16:55,635 --> 00:16:57,119
It was like that.

481
00:16:57,119 --> 00:16:59,328
It was insane how loud it was.

482
00:16:59,328 --> 00:17:00,812
And I look back and she's like,

483
00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:02,538
" Oh-ho-ho.

484
00:17:02,538 --> 00:17:04,678
"Oh, the evil is loose."

485
00:17:04,678 --> 00:17:07,164
Her face looked so
relaxed and happy.

486
00:17:08,510 --> 00:17:09,856
And it was my turn.

487
00:17:09,856 --> 00:17:11,030
My wife's like, "Your turn."

488
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,824
And the stench
filled the car like,

489
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,309
"Oh! Oh, God."

490
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,691
We pull over.

491
00:17:17,691 --> 00:17:20,004
And I take her out and I look,

492
00:17:20,004 --> 00:17:24,146
and the closest business is
a place called Thunder Road,

493
00:17:24,146 --> 00:17:27,184
which is a biker
bar/family restaurant.

494
00:17:27,184 --> 00:17:28,323
That's actually a thing.

495
00:17:29,565 --> 00:17:31,360
Just motorcycles, hogs,

496
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,534
as far as the eye can see.

497
00:17:32,534 --> 00:17:34,501
Every third guy
has a leather cut,

498
00:17:34,501 --> 00:17:37,366
a vest on, with his
club on the back,

499
00:17:37,366 --> 00:17:38,712
and his MC.

500
00:17:38,712 --> 00:17:40,680
And we were going
into the restaurant,

501
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:41,715
me and Rose,

502
00:17:41,715 --> 00:17:42,889
and we passed the restroom like,

503
00:17:42,889 --> 00:17:43,855
"Where's the restroom?"

504
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:44,684
And of course they're like,

505
00:17:44,684 --> 00:17:45,512
"It's in the bar."

506
00:17:45,512 --> 00:17:46,513
Of course it is.

507
00:17:47,376 --> 00:17:48,377
Like, "I'm changing a baby.

508
00:17:48,377 --> 00:17:49,206
"I did a stutter?

509
00:17:49,206 --> 00:17:50,069
"I said the bar."

510
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,587
And so we went through the bar.

511
00:17:51,587 --> 00:17:53,072
And there were as
many kids in there

512
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,729
as there were in the
family restaurant.

513
00:17:55,729 --> 00:17:57,593
And I get into the men's room

514
00:17:57,593 --> 00:17:59,354
and I make my assumption,

515
00:17:59,354 --> 00:18:00,872
my first assumption,

516
00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:03,392
which was, "No way they gotta
changing table in here, nah.

517
00:18:03,392 --> 00:18:05,532
"It's gonna be my
wife's turn, no way."

518
00:18:05,532 --> 00:18:06,671
Wrong.

519
00:18:06,671 --> 00:18:09,571
Thunder Road woke as fuck.

520
00:18:09,571 --> 00:18:11,262
Their changing table,

521
00:18:11,262 --> 00:18:14,541
you could have a horse give
birth sideways on that thing.

522
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,406
Like, "Oh my God,

523
00:18:17,406 --> 00:18:20,064
"I could sleep on this
in the fetal position.

524
00:18:20,064 --> 00:18:21,893
"This is incredible."

525
00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:23,240
Put my diaper bag here,

526
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,068
some snacks,

527
00:18:24,068 --> 00:18:25,034
couple of beers,

528
00:18:25,034 --> 00:18:26,415
a baby in the middle.

529
00:18:26,415 --> 00:18:27,761
This is incredible.

530
00:18:27,761 --> 00:18:30,730
I'm sure that's why it
was designed that way.

531
00:18:30,730 --> 00:18:31,731
And I'm changing her,

532
00:18:31,731 --> 00:18:33,077
and she's cleaned up,

533
00:18:33,077 --> 00:18:34,734
and I'm about to put
the fresh diaper on

534
00:18:34,734 --> 00:18:36,425
and a biker passes me,

535
00:18:36,425 --> 00:18:40,533
who looks straight out of
whatever the Norse God hell is.

536
00:18:41,430 --> 00:18:43,777
Wherever the evil vikings go.

537
00:18:43,777 --> 00:18:48,057
He had this giant
rivulet-covered beard,

538
00:18:48,057 --> 00:18:49,611
and this grease heavy...

539
00:18:49,611 --> 00:18:50,819
He had that,

540
00:18:50,819 --> 00:18:53,270
if Jake Gyllenhaal
grew his hair out long,

541
00:18:53,270 --> 00:18:55,134
that shit that
looks like a helmet,

542
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,273
he had the tree line,

543
00:18:56,273 --> 00:18:58,067
but just grease and evil,

544
00:18:58,067 --> 00:19:00,000
just melded in there.

545
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,279
His eyes were somehow,
not brown or blue,

546
00:19:02,279 --> 00:19:03,142
but red,

547
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,627
red pupils somehow.

548
00:19:05,627 --> 00:19:08,423
Not high, just eyes of fire,

549
00:19:08,423 --> 00:19:11,460
and a leather cut that he
looked like he was born in

550
00:19:11,460 --> 00:19:12,634
and grew into.

551
00:19:12,634 --> 00:19:14,567
Like it was part
of his musculature.

552
00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:15,809
Buck knife.

553
00:19:15,809 --> 00:19:17,811
And he's walking
out and he stops,

554
00:19:17,811 --> 00:19:20,228
and he looks right
at Rose's vagina.

555
00:19:21,263 --> 00:19:22,126
Pause for laughter.

556
00:19:22,126 --> 00:19:22,954
Nothing?

557
00:19:22,954 --> 00:19:23,748
That usually kills.

558
00:19:25,647 --> 00:19:26,510
Yeah.

559
00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:27,821
Real awkward.

560
00:19:27,821 --> 00:19:30,479
And I'm just sitting
there and I'm like,

561
00:19:30,479 --> 00:19:31,860
mentally I'm like, "Go away."

562
00:19:31,860 --> 00:19:34,311
Like, "I would ordinarily
never take you on,

563
00:19:34,311 --> 00:19:37,452
"but I will pull this hair
dryer out of the wall.

564
00:19:37,452 --> 00:19:38,798
"I've done it before."

565
00:19:38,798 --> 00:19:40,662
The little .

566
00:19:40,662 --> 00:19:42,319
You just put your foot up, yank.

567
00:19:42,319 --> 00:19:43,837
They're tiny screws.

568
00:19:43,837 --> 00:19:45,977
I've done it when I was
hammered as shit in Chicago.

569
00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:47,496
And then hit him in the face,

570
00:19:47,496 --> 00:19:48,325
sit on him,

571
00:19:48,325 --> 00:19:50,154
put it through his head,

572
00:19:50,154 --> 00:19:51,845
grab my baby with bloody hands,

573
00:19:51,845 --> 00:19:55,124
run her out to my
California-plated
electric vehicle

574
00:19:55,124 --> 00:19:56,678
and get chain whipped to death

575
00:19:56,678 --> 00:19:58,680
by the rest of
the motorcyclists.

576
00:19:58,680 --> 00:19:59,991
I'm sure.

577
00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:02,339
That's my brilliant
plan, everybody.

578
00:20:02,339 --> 00:20:05,687
So I'm sitting there, worried,

579
00:20:05,687 --> 00:20:06,826
and then he goes,

580
00:20:06,826 --> 00:20:08,172
"Yeah, that's a rash."

581
00:20:09,449 --> 00:20:10,864
"What?"

582
00:20:10,864 --> 00:20:12,694
He's like, "I don't
wanna make things weird."

583
00:20:12,694 --> 00:20:13,867
Like, "We're so there,

584
00:20:13,867 --> 00:20:16,525
"you made it weird
50 seconds ago

585
00:20:16,525 --> 00:20:17,906
"when you were staring."

586
00:20:17,906 --> 00:20:19,148
He's like, "I don't
wanna make it weird,

587
00:20:19,148 --> 00:20:21,703
"but I got four of those
and that's a rash."

588
00:20:21,703 --> 00:20:22,842
I got four of those?

589
00:20:22,842 --> 00:20:24,188
You mean kids?

590
00:20:24,188 --> 00:20:25,396
Those things?

591
00:20:25,396 --> 00:20:27,018
"Yeah, two I won in a card game,

592
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:29,055
"one I got at a garage sale.

593
00:20:29,055 --> 00:20:31,057
"One me and my old
lady made natural,

594
00:20:31,057 --> 00:20:33,853
"and I've seen my share
of a diaper rash, brother.

595
00:20:33,853 --> 00:20:35,372
"That's a rash."

596
00:20:35,372 --> 00:20:39,514
And then he blew
my mind completely

597
00:20:39,514 --> 00:20:44,208
when he unsnaps his
blood-caked leather vest

598
00:20:44,208 --> 00:20:46,072
and is like, "You
got the cream?"

599
00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:50,421
And I pull out the same tube
of diaper cream and I'm like,

600
00:20:50,421 --> 00:20:51,733
"Got it right here, brother."

601
00:20:51,733 --> 00:20:54,011
And he's like, "Right on
brother, stay strapped."

602
00:20:54,011 --> 00:20:55,012
And he walks out.

603
00:20:56,393 --> 00:20:57,911
Oh my God.

604
00:20:57,911 --> 00:20:59,430
oh.

605
00:20:59,430 --> 00:21:02,709
I still wake up in the middle
of the night, to this day,

606
00:21:02,709 --> 00:21:05,056
and go, "He had the cream."

607
00:21:06,575 --> 00:21:07,714
And I go back to sleep,

608
00:21:09,406 --> 00:21:10,752
peacefully.

609
00:21:10,752 --> 00:21:12,926
Right next to his
buck knife, amazing.

610
00:21:13,755 --> 00:21:14,618
What's your gang?

611
00:21:14,618 --> 00:21:15,757
Hell's Dads.

612
00:21:15,757 --> 00:21:16,896
Who are you guys?

613
00:21:18,415 --> 00:21:20,209
It's magnificent.

614
00:21:20,209 --> 00:21:21,038
Oh.

615
00:21:22,073 --> 00:21:24,524
I am an old dad, I'm 47.

616
00:21:25,732 --> 00:21:27,424
But I don't care.

617
00:21:27,424 --> 00:21:28,632
Doesn't make a difference to me.

618
00:21:28,632 --> 00:21:31,600
I'm sure in Tennessee
I'm a grandpa for sure.

619
00:21:33,084 --> 00:21:33,913
That's fine.

620
00:21:33,913 --> 00:21:35,259
That's fine.

621
00:21:35,259 --> 00:21:36,433
I'd take my baby out,

622
00:21:36,433 --> 00:21:37,606
they're like, "Oh,
how old is your son

623
00:21:37,606 --> 00:21:38,918
"that had that kid?

624
00:21:38,918 --> 00:21:39,781
"That's your daughter?

625
00:21:39,781 --> 00:21:40,920
"That's your... Jesus!"

626
00:21:43,750 --> 00:21:45,131
But I don't care.

627
00:21:45,131 --> 00:21:46,097
Especially 'cause I
live in Los Angeles

628
00:21:46,097 --> 00:21:47,616
where I am not an old dad.

629
00:21:47,616 --> 00:21:49,480
I've been in the
park next to a dude,

630
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:54,174
watching what I think is his
great, great, great grandchild.

631
00:21:54,174 --> 00:21:57,971
Dude's like 80 on his seventh
marriage to a 24-year-old.

632
00:21:57,971 --> 00:22:01,285
And he said, "She demanded
we make one of our own.

633
00:22:01,285 --> 00:22:02,424
"I can't chase it,

634
00:22:02,424 --> 00:22:03,943
"I'll give you $500.

635
00:22:03,943 --> 00:22:04,944
"My back."

636
00:22:12,779 --> 00:22:13,780
But I spent a year with her,

637
00:22:13,780 --> 00:22:14,816
just me and her,

638
00:22:14,816 --> 00:22:16,024
taking care of her.

639
00:22:16,024 --> 00:22:19,165
When all the comedy
clubs were closed,

640
00:22:19,165 --> 00:22:21,167
I had Rose and just
took care of her.

641
00:22:21,167 --> 00:22:24,135
So when it was time to
take her to daycare,

642
00:22:24,135 --> 00:22:26,310
we decided after a year
she goes to daycare.

643
00:22:26,310 --> 00:22:27,691
I was a wreck.

644
00:22:27,691 --> 00:22:29,658
I was driving her over
there with my wife

645
00:22:29,658 --> 00:22:31,142
and I was like, "Well
there's the day,

646
00:22:31,142 --> 00:22:33,455
"Rose, you get to
meet some friends

647
00:22:33,455 --> 00:22:37,701
"and it's gonna be great."

648
00:22:37,701 --> 00:22:40,324
My wife was like, "Are you..."

649
00:22:40,324 --> 00:22:41,670
Not like, "Are you okay? Oh.

650
00:22:41,670 --> 00:22:43,327
Like, "No, are you all right?

651
00:22:43,327 --> 00:22:45,294
"Are you gonna have
a breakdown right now

652
00:22:45,294 --> 00:22:46,503
"in front of our baby?"

653
00:22:46,503 --> 00:22:47,469
Like, "Nope, Nope.

654
00:22:47,469 --> 00:22:48,677
"Not 'til we leave."

655
00:22:48,677 --> 00:22:49,713
And we go,

656
00:22:49,713 --> 00:22:51,162
and I was so dramatic.

657
00:22:51,162 --> 00:22:54,200
I handed her off like
one of those movies

658
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,306
where there's a
soldier going to war,

659
00:22:57,306 --> 00:22:59,170
"She'll have a better
life with you."

660
00:23:00,862 --> 00:23:02,691
And this tiny Latina's
like, "Okay, bye-bye."

661
00:23:02,691 --> 00:23:04,037
Just goes through the door.

662
00:23:04,037 --> 00:23:05,694
Nothing, just took her away

663
00:23:05,694 --> 00:23:06,695
And the door just shut.

664
00:23:06,695 --> 00:23:09,180
And we're like,

665
00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:11,700
Ah.

666
00:23:11,700 --> 00:23:13,357
Went away and sobbed,

667
00:23:13,357 --> 00:23:14,496
so sad.

668
00:23:16,567 --> 00:23:19,225
I will say I'm lucky to be a dad

669
00:23:19,225 --> 00:23:21,710
because people see
you alone with a kid

670
00:23:21,710 --> 00:23:23,678
and they immediately help you.

671
00:23:23,678 --> 00:23:26,335
I went and flew alone with Rose

672
00:23:26,335 --> 00:23:28,027
once to New York from LA.

673
00:23:28,027 --> 00:23:29,546
And everyone's like,
"Where's your wife?"

674
00:23:29,546 --> 00:23:32,203
"Oh, it's just me and Rose."

675
00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:34,171
"You guys, you're
alone with her?

676
00:23:35,897 --> 00:23:36,725
"Come here.

677
00:23:37,864 --> 00:23:38,727
"You need to pee?

678
00:23:38,727 --> 00:23:39,556
"I'll hold her.

679
00:23:39,556 --> 00:23:40,384
"You okay?

680
00:23:40,384 --> 00:23:41,212
"You're not drinking."

681
00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:42,041
"Just coffee."

682
00:23:42,041 --> 00:23:42,904
"Okay, good.

683
00:23:42,904 --> 00:23:43,732
"All right, we're here.

684
00:23:43,732 --> 00:23:44,940
"You need any..."

685
00:23:44,940 --> 00:23:46,770
They think you're just
gonna stuff the baby

686
00:23:46,770 --> 00:23:49,220
underneath the seat in
front of you or something.

687
00:23:50,739 --> 00:23:52,361
You're totally useless.

688
00:23:54,743 --> 00:23:59,714
And I'm in love with being a dad

689
00:24:00,577 --> 00:24:01,405
and I have a wife

690
00:24:01,405 --> 00:24:02,233
who's kind of a pirate.

691
00:24:03,407 --> 00:24:05,133
I'm trying not to curse
in the car anymore.

692
00:24:05,133 --> 00:24:07,100
I'm trying not to
car curse anymore.

693
00:24:07,100 --> 00:24:08,412
I'm just,

694
00:24:08,412 --> 00:24:09,275
and you're driving
and you're like,

695
00:24:09,275 --> 00:24:10,241
"Look at this, God damn it.

696
00:24:10,241 --> 00:24:11,070
"Outta the way.

697
00:24:11,070 --> 00:24:12,451
"fuck him and kill you,

698
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:13,762
"God damn it."

699
00:24:13,762 --> 00:24:15,764
I get virulent and
I need to stop.

700
00:24:15,764 --> 00:24:16,938
I got a real anger problem.

701
00:24:16,938 --> 00:24:18,249
And she's in the
back, soaking it up.

702
00:24:18,249 --> 00:24:19,078
Like, "This is good,

703
00:24:19,078 --> 00:24:20,562
"this is good stuff."

704
00:24:20,562 --> 00:24:22,081
Just sponging it all in.

705
00:24:23,116 --> 00:24:24,428
And my wife is all over me.

706
00:24:24,428 --> 00:24:26,292
She's like, "Stop
cursing in the...

707
00:24:26,292 --> 00:24:28,639
I don't want her first
word to be motherfucker.

708
00:24:28,639 --> 00:24:29,468
I really don't.

709
00:24:30,572 --> 00:24:31,780
And she's got a great point,

710
00:24:31,780 --> 00:24:35,266
but she says savage
stuff around this baby

711
00:24:35,266 --> 00:24:36,820
And doesn't realize it.

712
00:24:36,820 --> 00:24:39,270
Once I was shirtless
holding our child

713
00:24:39,270 --> 00:24:40,789
when she was still breastfeeding

714
00:24:40,789 --> 00:24:42,308
and she went for my nipple.

715
00:24:42,308 --> 00:24:44,275
And I was like, "Whoa,
whoa, nope, wrong parent.

716
00:24:44,275 --> 00:24:45,760
"No milk comes out of this one."

717
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:46,830
And my wife walks up and goes,

718
00:24:46,830 --> 00:24:48,279
"Just jizz."

719
00:24:48,279 --> 00:24:49,280
What the fuck!

720
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,454
It's a baby.

721
00:24:50,454 --> 00:24:51,628
I'm holding a child.

722
00:24:54,285 --> 00:24:56,115
It's hilarious.

723
00:24:56,115 --> 00:24:57,806
Talk about a terrible thing.

724
00:24:57,806 --> 00:24:59,774
"Jizz comes out of my dad."

725
00:25:02,155 --> 00:25:03,605
"We're gonna send you home."

726
00:25:06,332 --> 00:25:08,783
She says stuff I
would never say,

727
00:25:08,783 --> 00:25:10,957
my baby wakes up in the
middle of the night crying,

728
00:25:10,957 --> 00:25:12,994
Kara just goes,
"Ah, this bitch."

729
00:25:12,994 --> 00:25:13,822
Like, "Come on.

730
00:25:15,824 --> 00:25:16,791
"Stop it."

731
00:25:22,141 --> 00:25:25,282
Yeah. I'm an old dad
got married late,

732
00:25:25,282 --> 00:25:27,008
got married in my early 40s.

733
00:25:27,008 --> 00:25:30,149
But that was perfect time for
my maturity level, honestly.

734
00:25:31,495 --> 00:25:32,669
I don't judge.

735
00:25:32,669 --> 00:25:33,980
I think people get
married any age,

736
00:25:33,980 --> 00:25:35,844
young or old.

737
00:25:35,844 --> 00:25:37,466
Look, if you get married young,

738
00:25:38,502 --> 00:25:41,160
I think men get married
any age you want,

739
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,472
but have your bachelor
party in your 40s.

740
00:25:43,472 --> 00:25:45,889
Please, for the love of God,

741
00:25:45,889 --> 00:25:47,338
because there's nothing sadder

742
00:25:47,338 --> 00:25:48,892
than a group of 22-year-olds

743
00:25:48,892 --> 00:25:50,341
that have one credit card

744
00:25:50,341 --> 00:25:52,620
that is one of their
dads or something,

745
00:25:53,690 --> 00:25:55,036
trying to get in the strip club.

746
00:25:55,036 --> 00:25:57,348
And just like, "I
have one to tip,

747
00:25:57,348 --> 00:25:59,040
"this is great."

748
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,663
You guys need to go home,
play Xbox, seriously,

749
00:26:03,009 --> 00:26:04,701
'Cause you got money
when you're in your 40s,

750
00:26:04,701 --> 00:26:05,702
if you lived right.

751
00:26:07,048 --> 00:26:09,740
I went to Temecula,
wine country,

752
00:26:09,740 --> 00:26:12,053
mom wine country

753
00:26:12,053 --> 00:26:13,399
with a bunch of dudes,

754
00:26:13,399 --> 00:26:14,883
10 or 12 dudes.

755
00:26:14,883 --> 00:26:18,404
And we had T-shirts that
had my wife's face on them,

756
00:26:18,404 --> 00:26:20,544
a glamor shot,

757
00:26:20,544 --> 00:26:22,719
with the word Kara, in cursive,

758
00:26:22,719 --> 00:26:23,720
like thug life,

759
00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:25,031
across our stomachs.

760
00:26:26,067 --> 00:26:27,275
We're walking around partying.

761
00:26:27,275 --> 00:26:28,863
It was like some
bachelorette parties

762
00:26:28,863 --> 00:26:29,864
and they'd adopt us,

763
00:26:29,864 --> 00:26:31,072
they loved us.

764
00:26:31,072 --> 00:26:33,039
And then one woman
got it totally wrong.

765
00:26:33,039 --> 00:26:33,868
She's like, "Oh my God,

766
00:26:33,868 --> 00:26:34,731
"that's so cool,

767
00:26:34,731 --> 00:26:36,422
"did she die?"

768
00:26:36,422 --> 00:26:38,079
"What?

769
00:26:38,079 --> 00:26:38,907
"No,

770
00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:41,738
"actually, yes.

771
00:26:41,738 --> 00:26:42,566
"We dated her.

772
00:26:42,566 --> 00:26:43,532
"All of us dated her.

773
00:26:43,532 --> 00:26:44,568
"She was our lover

774
00:26:44,568 --> 00:26:45,569
"and...

775
00:26:47,088 --> 00:26:48,745
"she died, suddenly,

776
00:26:48,745 --> 00:26:50,436
"in a horrible
motorcycle accident.

777
00:26:50,436 --> 00:26:52,749
"And we decided to party.

778
00:26:52,749 --> 00:26:53,577
"Cheers."

779
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:56,269
I didn't even make fun of her.

780
00:26:56,269 --> 00:26:57,892
I was like, "No, I'm
gonna marry her."

781
00:26:57,892 --> 00:26:58,893
She's like, "Oh good."

782
00:26:58,893 --> 00:26:59,721
And walks away.

783
00:26:59,721 --> 00:27:01,102
That was it.

784
00:27:01,102 --> 00:27:02,275
I loved her confidence.

785
00:27:02,275 --> 00:27:03,380
It was fantastic.

786
00:27:04,415 --> 00:27:06,901
But we had a nice Airbnb.

787
00:27:06,901 --> 00:27:09,731
We had like all these
great wineries to go to,

788
00:27:09,731 --> 00:27:10,939
every folk singer,

789
00:27:10,939 --> 00:27:13,252
just out there plucking tunes

790
00:27:13,252 --> 00:27:14,909
Little John Denver,

791
00:27:14,909 --> 00:27:16,048
Gordon Lightfoot.

792
00:27:16,048 --> 00:27:16,945
That's nice.

793
00:27:16,945 --> 00:27:18,291
We started getting hammered,

794
00:27:18,291 --> 00:27:20,259
balling up 100s,
throwing them at him,

795
00:27:20,259 --> 00:27:22,088
being like, "Learn Metallica,

796
00:27:22,088 --> 00:27:23,780
"learn Bob Seger,

797
00:27:23,780 --> 00:27:25,436
"learn Iron Maiden.

798
00:27:25,436 --> 00:27:26,955
"Screw it, learn Drake."

799
00:27:26,955 --> 00:27:28,923
Just seeing how far they'd go.

800
00:27:31,304 --> 00:27:33,652
♪ Exit life

801
00:27:36,447 --> 00:27:38,795
It was fantastic, man.

802
00:27:38,795 --> 00:27:40,279
I love being married.

803
00:27:40,279 --> 00:27:42,971
I know that's weird to
hear from a male comedian.

804
00:27:42,971 --> 00:27:44,455
We're always just like,

805
00:27:44,455 --> 00:27:45,456
"I'm married."

806
00:27:46,492 --> 00:27:47,458
Like you failed.

807
00:27:47,458 --> 00:27:48,425
Like, "Oh no."

808
00:27:48,425 --> 00:27:49,495
You found someone to love you,

809
00:27:49,495 --> 00:27:52,325
you gross, fat, sack of trash.

810
00:27:54,155 --> 00:27:56,364
That's a failure, really?

811
00:27:56,364 --> 00:27:59,091
Where are you gonna be
surfing the seas of pussy,

812
00:27:59,091 --> 00:28:00,782
at some point,

813
00:28:00,782 --> 00:28:01,990
you creep.

814
00:28:01,990 --> 00:28:03,336
I don't think that
was gonna happen.

815
00:28:03,336 --> 00:28:05,649
I think she saved you from hell.

816
00:28:05,649 --> 00:28:07,133
I think that's what happened.

817
00:28:08,790 --> 00:28:11,517
And people talk about the
best things about marriage

818
00:28:11,517 --> 00:28:12,829
and the worst things
about marriage.

819
00:28:12,829 --> 00:28:13,657
That's it,

820
00:28:13,657 --> 00:28:14,520
never the in between.

821
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:15,452
They talk about the worst,

822
00:28:15,452 --> 00:28:16,695
which is what,

823
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,489
you'll fall outta
love with each other,

824
00:28:18,489 --> 00:28:21,113
or you're stuck with the
same lover your whole life.

825
00:28:22,010 --> 00:28:23,011
Oh no.

826
00:28:23,011 --> 00:28:24,461
Or the best,

827
00:28:24,461 --> 00:28:25,876
which is you have someone

828
00:28:25,876 --> 00:28:28,637
who loves you for the things
you hate about yourself,

829
00:28:28,637 --> 00:28:30,156
that's amazing.

830
00:28:30,156 --> 00:28:32,503
And you have a best friend
that you fuck, that's cool.

831
00:28:33,677 --> 00:28:34,505
That's a good thing.

832
00:28:34,505 --> 00:28:36,197
That's a good thing.

833
00:28:36,197 --> 00:28:37,543
But we don't talk about

834
00:28:37,543 --> 00:28:40,028
the awesome little
things in between.

835
00:28:40,028 --> 00:28:42,859
You have someone to mess with

836
00:28:42,859 --> 00:28:44,515
the rest of your life.

837
00:28:45,482 --> 00:28:46,517
And to get rid of you,

838
00:28:46,517 --> 00:28:51,177
they have to involve the law.

839
00:28:51,177 --> 00:28:52,006
You're trapped.

840
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:56,493
And I'm not saying
do it all the time.

841
00:28:56,493 --> 00:28:58,529
Don't be abusive or shitty.

842
00:28:58,529 --> 00:28:59,703
But every once in a while,

843
00:28:59,703 --> 00:29:01,187
do a little raz.

844
00:29:01,187 --> 00:29:02,533
Here's a free one.

845
00:29:02,533 --> 00:29:03,914
Did you guys know that
if you're in public

846
00:29:03,914 --> 00:29:05,226
and you're holding
hands with someone

847
00:29:05,226 --> 00:29:08,401
and you say some
complete insanity,

848
00:29:08,401 --> 00:29:10,334
they're a part of
that insanity now?

849
00:29:11,232 --> 00:29:12,889
They're on Team Insane.

850
00:29:12,889 --> 00:29:13,855
People look at them,

851
00:29:13,855 --> 00:29:14,718
they're like,

852
00:29:14,718 --> 00:29:15,857
"You have sex with this man?

853
00:29:17,203 --> 00:29:19,067
"You're with him?

854
00:29:19,067 --> 00:29:21,173
"This is you together?
Really?

855
00:29:21,173 --> 00:29:22,588
"Wow."

856
00:29:22,588 --> 00:29:23,934
I was holding
hands with my wife,

857
00:29:23,934 --> 00:29:27,800
walking into an
LL Bean in Maine.

858
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:30,216
Literally the nicest store
you've ever even seen

859
00:29:30,216 --> 00:29:33,737
or heard of and is lovely,
elderly female clerk comes up

860
00:29:33,737 --> 00:29:34,703
and is like,

861
00:29:34,703 --> 00:29:35,912
"Can I help you find something?"

862
00:29:35,912 --> 00:29:37,120
And I was holding
my wife's hand,

863
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:40,917
I go, "Yes, where are
your lovers' sex kayaks?

864
00:29:40,917 --> 00:29:43,747
"So you face each other
and your chakras mix.

865
00:29:43,747 --> 00:29:45,576
"And every time
you hit the rapids,

866
00:29:45,576 --> 00:29:47,268
"they explode in orgasm

867
00:29:47,268 --> 00:29:49,580
"and you can hold
it up to two hours.

868
00:29:49,580 --> 00:29:50,927
"We're looking for a third,

869
00:29:50,927 --> 00:29:51,893
"come back."

870
00:29:54,102 --> 00:29:56,380
My wife's like, "Let
go of my fucking hand.

871
00:29:57,796 --> 00:29:59,728
"I hate you so much.

872
00:30:02,145 --> 00:30:03,422
"God damn it!"

873
00:30:08,737 --> 00:30:09,946
If you got the right person,

874
00:30:09,946 --> 00:30:12,431
they'll make you love
stuff you never loved.

875
00:30:13,328 --> 00:30:15,952
Like I used to hate Las Vegas

876
00:30:15,952 --> 00:30:17,436
as I used to play there a lot.

877
00:30:17,436 --> 00:30:20,266
And I play for like crap money.

878
00:30:20,266 --> 00:30:22,441
And I'd eat in the cafeteria.

879
00:30:22,441 --> 00:30:23,994
Oh, casino cafeterias,

880
00:30:23,994 --> 00:30:25,271
where the workers eat.

881
00:30:26,479 --> 00:30:28,136
It's like the Irish
level in the Titanic,

882
00:30:28,136 --> 00:30:29,448
but not fun.

883
00:30:29,448 --> 00:30:30,449
It's real bad.

884
00:30:32,623 --> 00:30:34,487
And my wife loves Vegas

885
00:30:34,487 --> 00:30:36,317
because she basically
pointed out.

886
00:30:36,317 --> 00:30:38,595
She's like, "Look,
we're doing better now,

887
00:30:38,595 --> 00:30:40,148
"we can spend money on things.

888
00:30:40,148 --> 00:30:41,943
"You're getting better gigs."

889
00:30:41,943 --> 00:30:44,152
The thing I love about
Vegas is everyone goes,

890
00:30:44,152 --> 00:30:47,431
you see every kind of person
from all over the world,

891
00:30:47,431 --> 00:30:49,330
all hanging out,

892
00:30:49,330 --> 00:30:51,297
being idiot adults.

893
00:30:51,297 --> 00:30:52,505
Like looking across the room,

894
00:30:52,505 --> 00:30:53,990
being like "You
being a shit bird?"

895
00:30:53,990 --> 00:30:55,612
I am being a shit bird, are you?

896
00:30:56,475 --> 00:30:57,821
High five, here we are.

897
00:30:57,821 --> 00:30:58,787
Just for two days,

898
00:30:58,787 --> 00:31:00,030
then it's back to the kids.

899
00:31:00,030 --> 00:31:01,169
All right, wink.

900
00:31:02,515 --> 00:31:05,001
There's something for
everyone in that town.

901
00:31:05,001 --> 00:31:06,519
You learn stuff about yourself.

902
00:31:06,519 --> 00:31:09,833
I learned, I like watching
young people get wasted.

903
00:31:11,214 --> 00:31:12,491
Not like a creep, not like,

904
00:31:12,491 --> 00:31:14,010
"That one's almost ready.

905
00:31:14,010 --> 00:31:15,666
"Start the van."

906
00:31:15,666 --> 00:31:16,495
Not like that.

907
00:31:18,186 --> 00:31:19,463
"Get the zip ties.

908
00:31:19,463 --> 00:31:21,500
"He's about to pass out."

909
00:31:21,500 --> 00:31:22,363
Not like that.

910
00:31:23,364 --> 00:31:24,710
No, just like,

911
00:31:24,710 --> 00:31:28,024
I feel like a retired
professional athlete.

912
00:31:28,024 --> 00:31:30,371
When I was younger, I
used to get blown out.

913
00:31:30,371 --> 00:31:31,890
I had a Herculean tolerance

914
00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:33,719
and I used it and abused it.

915
00:31:33,719 --> 00:31:34,685
I still drink,

916
00:31:34,685 --> 00:31:36,032
I still get it on,

917
00:31:36,032 --> 00:31:38,379
but not like I used
to 'cause I'm old now.

918
00:31:38,379 --> 00:31:40,036
But I like watching someone

919
00:31:40,036 --> 00:31:43,867
with a metabolism of
a jungle cat go nuts.

920
00:31:43,867 --> 00:31:44,833
It's fun.

921
00:31:44,833 --> 00:31:46,525
I saw a dude in Vegas,

922
00:31:46,525 --> 00:31:47,871
true story,

923
00:31:47,871 --> 00:31:50,322
tell a story to his friends,

924
00:31:50,322 --> 00:31:52,531
vomit, suddenly,

925
00:31:52,531 --> 00:31:54,222
without his knowledge,

926
00:31:54,222 --> 00:31:55,430
on himself,

927
00:31:55,430 --> 00:31:57,225
in the middle of said story,

928
00:31:57,225 --> 00:31:59,883
and laugh it off.

929
00:31:59,883 --> 00:32:01,747
Oh, it was amazing.

930
00:32:01,747 --> 00:32:03,542
He just like, "Man,
last night was crazy.

931
00:32:03,542 --> 00:32:05,751
"Woke up in this weird
chick's hotel room.

932
00:32:05,751 --> 00:32:07,408
"I don't even know
what hotel it was.

933
00:32:07,408 --> 00:32:09,065
"I was missing my shoes.

934
00:32:09,065 --> 00:32:10,756
" Where were you guys?

935
00:32:10,756 --> 00:32:13,724
"'cause I...

936
00:32:13,724 --> 00:32:18,384
" Look what happened to me?"

937
00:32:18,384 --> 00:32:21,077
Look what happened to me.

938
00:32:21,077 --> 00:32:23,389
As if someone else
barfed on this guy.

939
00:32:24,943 --> 00:32:26,254
It was amazing.

940
00:32:26,254 --> 00:32:28,739
If I threw up on
myself, suddenly,

941
00:32:28,739 --> 00:32:29,913
because of alcohol,

942
00:32:29,913 --> 00:32:32,226
I would weep, change my shirt,

943
00:32:32,226 --> 00:32:33,434
and go to AA.

944
00:32:33,434 --> 00:32:35,954
I would walk right
into an AA meeting.

945
00:32:35,954 --> 00:32:37,748
It's time for a change.

946
00:32:39,578 --> 00:32:40,579
Not not this guy.

947
00:32:40,579 --> 00:32:41,890
This guy just went,

948
00:32:41,890 --> 00:32:44,238
"Holy shit, should I
get another shirt?"

949
00:32:45,239 --> 00:32:47,931
The whole casino
goes, "Yeah man.

950
00:32:47,931 --> 00:32:51,038
"Jesus, there's
no other option."

951
00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:58,459
The people watching on that
level in Vegas is insane.

952
00:32:58,459 --> 00:33:02,118
My wife and I were inside
an air-conditioned bar

953
00:33:02,118 --> 00:33:03,464
that had a glass wall

954
00:33:03,464 --> 00:33:06,812
overlooking one of those
daytime party pools

955
00:33:06,812 --> 00:33:09,746
with Pitbull music
blaring everywhere

956
00:33:09,746 --> 00:33:10,954
and foam.

957
00:33:10,954 --> 00:33:11,782
Everyone's out there.

958
00:33:11,782 --> 00:33:12,611
Just .

959
00:33:14,302 --> 00:33:15,786
I think it's called
rehab, or something,

960
00:33:15,786 --> 00:33:16,753
or detox,

961
00:33:16,753 --> 00:33:18,134
ironically.

962
00:33:18,134 --> 00:33:19,652
So everyone's getting faded.

963
00:33:19,652 --> 00:33:23,794
And that day it was 115 degrees.

964
00:33:23,794 --> 00:33:26,694
It was a record heat
wave that weekend.

965
00:33:26,694 --> 00:33:30,836
And I'm watching people
almost just break down.

966
00:33:30,836 --> 00:33:32,355
All the women are laying under

967
00:33:32,355 --> 00:33:34,150
whatever shaded
surfaces there are

968
00:33:34,150 --> 00:33:37,636
'cause they're the more
evolved of the species,

969
00:33:37,636 --> 00:33:39,189
let's be honest.

970
00:33:39,189 --> 00:33:42,020
But the guys are just walking
in the heat of God's wrath.

971
00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:42,986
Like, "This ain't shit.

972
00:33:42,986 --> 00:33:43,987
"I'm fine."

973
00:33:43,987 --> 00:33:45,333
And hitting on women.

974
00:33:45,333 --> 00:33:46,645
Eventually the
women start going,

975
00:33:46,645 --> 00:33:48,371
" I'm, this is, I'm done.

976
00:33:48,371 --> 00:33:49,199
"This is awful.

977
00:33:49,199 --> 00:33:50,166
"I'm going inside.

978
00:33:50,166 --> 00:33:51,443
"I'm gonna catch fire.

979
00:33:51,443 --> 00:33:52,823
"This sucks.

980
00:33:52,823 --> 00:33:54,618
"I'm so sweaty, I hate it."

981
00:33:54,618 --> 00:33:55,964
And they go in,

982
00:33:55,964 --> 00:33:58,484
but the guys who
are still out there

983
00:33:58,484 --> 00:33:59,796
with their flame tattoos

984
00:33:59,796 --> 00:34:01,970
and their
Affliction tank tops,

985
00:34:01,970 --> 00:34:04,007
still hitting on women.

986
00:34:04,007 --> 00:34:05,698
Oh they were so fun to watch

987
00:34:05,698 --> 00:34:08,011
because they were all
yolked and muscular

988
00:34:08,011 --> 00:34:09,702
and butch and manly.

989
00:34:09,702 --> 00:34:13,016
But they kept being,
almost pulled to the ground

990
00:34:13,016 --> 00:34:14,673
by science and heat.

991
00:34:16,019 --> 00:34:18,021
It was like watching the
movie "Terminator 2,"

992
00:34:18,021 --> 00:34:20,023
when the T-1,000's
coming at the guy

993
00:34:20,023 --> 00:34:20,989
and his machine gun at him

994
00:34:20,989 --> 00:34:22,025
and he's just breaking up,

995
00:34:22,025 --> 00:34:23,475
but still won't stop.

996
00:34:24,407 --> 00:34:25,580
Joints, giving out,

997
00:34:25,580 --> 00:34:28,376
still getting up
again and again.

998
00:34:28,376 --> 00:34:29,688
I saw this bro,

999
00:34:29,688 --> 00:34:30,896
just go up this woman's like,

1000
00:34:30,896 --> 00:34:32,380
"Hey, couldn't help
but notice you.

1001
00:34:32,380 --> 00:34:33,830
"Listen, my name's Chad."

1002
00:34:36,419 --> 00:34:38,214
"And I think you're hot.

1003
00:34:38,214 --> 00:34:40,043
"I think I'd like to
be a little forward.

1004
00:34:40,043 --> 00:34:42,010
"Think maybe you
want to get a drink?"

1005
00:34:43,046 --> 00:34:44,358
"No.

1006
00:34:44,358 --> 00:34:45,566
"So what do you say?"

1007
00:34:45,566 --> 00:34:47,361
Everyone in the bar's
like, "Stay down.

1008
00:34:47,361 --> 00:34:49,397
"You're gonna die.

1009
00:34:49,397 --> 00:34:50,743
"Get him some water."

1010
00:34:52,573 --> 00:34:53,884
So my wife and I are like,

1011
00:34:53,884 --> 00:34:55,576
"Enough, I don't wanna
watch someone pass out.

1012
00:34:55,576 --> 00:34:57,233
"Let's go get changed.

1013
00:34:57,233 --> 00:34:59,235
"Let's get into our
evening finery."

1014
00:34:59,235 --> 00:35:00,753
And that's the best
thing about Vegas,

1015
00:35:00,753 --> 00:35:02,859
is you have your daytime outfit,

1016
00:35:02,859 --> 00:35:04,240
get day drunk.

1017
00:35:04,240 --> 00:35:05,724
Then you can take a shower,

1018
00:35:05,724 --> 00:35:08,071
and put on your finery,
still day drunk,

1019
00:35:08,071 --> 00:35:09,245
and get night drunk.

1020
00:35:09,245 --> 00:35:10,073
It's fun.

1021
00:35:11,247 --> 00:35:12,075
So my wife and I,

1022
00:35:12,075 --> 00:35:13,594
we go up to the room,

1023
00:35:13,594 --> 00:35:15,941
and we have efficient
marital sex.

1024
00:35:18,909 --> 00:35:19,738
Not to brag,

1025
00:35:20,566 --> 00:35:22,085
not to brag,

1026
00:35:22,085 --> 00:35:24,536
but yeah, it happens.

1027
00:35:24,536 --> 00:35:25,364
It happens.

1028
00:35:26,262 --> 00:35:27,090
To me.

1029
00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:31,750
Anyone who's married
knows how it is.

1030
00:35:31,750 --> 00:35:32,923
People knock it,

1031
00:35:32,923 --> 00:35:34,891
but it is good
and it's reliable.

1032
00:35:34,891 --> 00:35:37,238
You know what each other wants,

1033
00:35:37,238 --> 00:35:40,068
you know how long
it should last.

1034
00:35:40,068 --> 00:35:42,278
You get the job done.

1035
00:35:42,278 --> 00:35:43,106
It's like,

1036
00:35:43,106 --> 00:35:43,934
"What do we got?

1037
00:35:43,934 --> 00:35:44,763
"We got some time.

1038
00:35:44,763 --> 00:35:45,902
"Do you wanna?

1039
00:35:45,902 --> 00:35:47,145
"Oh,

1040
00:35:47,145 --> 00:35:48,111
"yeah. okay.

1041
00:35:48,111 --> 00:35:48,974
"All right. Cool, come here.

1042
00:35:50,631 --> 00:35:51,494
"Okay, cool.

1043
00:35:51,494 --> 00:35:53,081
"That was awesome.

1044
00:35:53,081 --> 00:35:54,462
"Good game, high five.

1045
00:35:54,462 --> 00:35:55,325
"That was great.

1046
00:35:55,325 --> 00:35:56,637
"Like that little thing you did

1047
00:35:56,637 --> 00:35:57,500
"where he punched
me in the back.

1048
00:35:57,500 --> 00:35:58,639
"I didn't see that coming.

1049
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:00,468
"Well, you knocked it out.

1050
00:36:00,468 --> 00:36:01,331
"Good job.

1051
00:36:01,331 --> 00:36:02,298
"I'm gonna get in the shower.

1052
00:36:02,298 --> 00:36:03,126
"Leave the water on or...

1053
00:36:03,126 --> 00:36:04,403
"Yeah. Okay."

1054
00:36:07,993 --> 00:36:09,270
I used to work in bars,

1055
00:36:09,270 --> 00:36:09,995
I work in bars for six years

1056
00:36:09,995 --> 00:36:11,928
and lived in Chicago.

1057
00:36:12,929 --> 00:36:14,310
Great town, right on,

1058
00:36:14,310 --> 00:36:15,621
great town.

1059
00:36:15,621 --> 00:36:17,451
Full of wild pirates,
like yourself, ma'am.

1060
00:36:18,831 --> 00:36:21,972
Respect, concrete
respect to you.

1061
00:36:21,972 --> 00:36:22,973
It was great.

1062
00:36:24,975 --> 00:36:26,494
I started as a bar back,

1063
00:36:26,494 --> 00:36:28,979
which it is a
special kind of hell.

1064
00:36:28,979 --> 00:36:30,326
I will say something,

1065
00:36:30,326 --> 00:36:31,672
not to get political on you,

1066
00:36:31,672 --> 00:36:35,296
but I think my strongest
political belief

1067
00:36:35,296 --> 00:36:37,160
is I just don't trust anyone

1068
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:39,162
who's never worked a job

1069
00:36:39,162 --> 00:36:41,647
where they thought about killing
themselves at least once.

1070
00:36:41,647 --> 00:36:43,787
At least once.

1071
00:36:43,787 --> 00:36:44,616
Once.

1072
00:36:46,031 --> 00:36:47,998
You're just like,
"This could all end

1073
00:36:47,998 --> 00:36:49,966
"and I can end it right now.

1074
00:36:51,312 --> 00:36:53,038
"I'm not even clinically
depressed right now.

1075
00:36:53,038 --> 00:36:53,866
"But what if,

1076
00:36:55,868 --> 00:36:57,525
"what if I just killed myself?"

1077
00:36:58,526 --> 00:37:00,045
That thing where you're like,

1078
00:37:00,045 --> 00:37:02,841
"God damn it, I got five
hours left in this shift.

1079
00:37:04,498 --> 00:37:05,361
"Or...

1080
00:37:11,712 --> 00:37:13,679
"Swallow 25 Asprin,
I don't know.

1081
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:16,164
"Whatever it take."

1082
00:37:16,164 --> 00:37:17,373
When you're bar backing,

1083
00:37:17,373 --> 00:37:18,995
all you're doing
is washing glasses

1084
00:37:18,995 --> 00:37:19,858
and putting them away.

1085
00:37:19,858 --> 00:37:21,549
Just stack them,

1086
00:37:21,549 --> 00:37:22,861
put them away.

1087
00:37:22,861 --> 00:37:24,207
And there's two or
three bartenders

1088
00:37:24,207 --> 00:37:25,381
that are slammed,

1089
00:37:25,381 --> 00:37:27,417
and you're not allowed
to make drinks.

1090
00:37:27,417 --> 00:37:29,592
And there's beers and ice,

1091
00:37:29,592 --> 00:37:31,249
in front of you, and taps,

1092
00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:32,871
and liquor bottles behind you.

1093
00:37:32,871 --> 00:37:33,734
And people are just like,

1094
00:37:33,734 --> 00:37:35,011
"Just get me a drink.

1095
00:37:35,011 --> 00:37:37,220
"Just pour some
whiskey in a cup.

1096
00:37:37,220 --> 00:37:38,532
"It's right there.

1097
00:37:38,532 --> 00:37:39,878
"There's a beer, right there.

1098
00:37:39,878 --> 00:37:41,051
"God damn it."

1099
00:37:41,051 --> 00:37:42,052
You're like, "I can't,

1100
00:37:42,052 --> 00:37:43,330
"please stop yelling at me.

1101
00:37:44,572 --> 00:37:45,401
"I'm not allowed.

1102
00:37:45,401 --> 00:37:46,367
"I'll be fired.

1103
00:37:46,367 --> 00:37:47,920
"Please, sir."

1104
00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:49,543
"What are you, a stupid monkey?"

1105
00:37:49,543 --> 00:37:51,752
You're just like, "God damn it."

1106
00:37:51,752 --> 00:37:54,237
I remember looking
down at a stirring fork

1107
00:37:54,237 --> 00:37:55,238
and being like,

1108
00:37:55,238 --> 00:37:56,204
"All it would take is just,

1109
00:37:56,204 --> 00:37:57,758
"just two, right there.

1110
00:37:57,758 --> 00:37:59,104
"Just right there,

1111
00:37:59,104 --> 00:38:01,209
"and just bleed out in
front of this dickhead,

1112
00:38:01,209 --> 00:38:02,418
"looking at him.

1113
00:38:02,418 --> 00:38:03,384
"Sitting on the
stool and be like,

1114
00:38:03,384 --> 00:38:04,730
"you did this."

1115
00:38:06,732 --> 00:38:10,288
You just break all his
drinks in half with my face,

1116
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:11,427
and slide down the bar,

1117
00:38:11,427 --> 00:38:12,290
"Clean this up."

1118
00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:14,050
And just die right there,

1119
00:38:14,050 --> 00:38:16,604
staring at him, still dying.

1120
00:38:16,604 --> 00:38:19,089
Shitting, all behind the bar.

1121
00:38:23,266 --> 00:38:24,440
You're cleaning this up, sir.

1122
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:25,924
You are.

1123
00:38:25,924 --> 00:38:27,235
I don't know what you said.

1124
00:38:28,927 --> 00:38:30,135
It crosses the mind.

1125
00:38:31,757 --> 00:38:32,793
Absolutely.

1126
00:38:32,793 --> 00:38:35,451
But I think those jobs hone you

1127
00:38:35,451 --> 00:38:37,453
and make you into the person
you're supposed to be.

1128
00:38:37,453 --> 00:38:40,145
If you've never
worked a crap job,

1129
00:38:40,145 --> 00:38:43,113
that's bad 'cause you're
not your truest self.

1130
00:38:44,287 --> 00:38:45,806
I think it's like
MMA or something.

1131
00:38:45,806 --> 00:38:49,775
It's makes you tough
in your own way

1132
00:38:49,775 --> 00:38:52,122
and find the real you.

1133
00:38:52,122 --> 00:38:54,504
I was always a funny
person growing up

1134
00:38:54,504 --> 00:38:55,988
I was always class
clown and stuff,

1135
00:38:55,988 --> 00:38:58,819
but I would get
accidentally hilarious

1136
00:38:58,819 --> 00:39:00,476
when I was a bartender,

1137
00:39:00,476 --> 00:39:01,684
when I was slammed.

1138
00:39:01,684 --> 00:39:03,962
And stuff would
just come outta me,

1139
00:39:03,962 --> 00:39:05,170
that would kill.

1140
00:39:05,170 --> 00:39:06,482
And I'd be like, "I was
just being serious."

1141
00:39:06,482 --> 00:39:08,000
"What, that was funny?"

1142
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:10,969
Like I remember being so busy --
"in the weeds" as we call it

1143
00:39:10,969 --> 00:39:11,970
in the industry,

1144
00:39:11,970 --> 00:39:13,316
the folks here know.

1145
00:39:13,316 --> 00:39:16,492
I lost my sight.

1146
00:39:16,492 --> 00:39:18,356
I don't know if it
was sweat in my eyes.

1147
00:39:18,356 --> 00:39:19,978
I don't know if
I was dehydrated,

1148
00:39:19,978 --> 00:39:21,842
but my eyesight went blurry

1149
00:39:21,842 --> 00:39:24,465
and all I saw were
colors and shapes,

1150
00:39:24,465 --> 00:39:25,466
that's it.

1151
00:39:25,466 --> 00:39:26,847
And I'm just pushing drinks out

1152
00:39:26,847 --> 00:39:28,642
and hoping I'm making
the right change,

1153
00:39:28,642 --> 00:39:30,678
and feeling credit
cards like braille,

1154
00:39:30,678 --> 00:39:31,955
to see who it is.

1155
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:34,820
It was awful.

1156
00:39:34,820 --> 00:39:37,202
And then some dick, somewhere
in front of me goes,

1157
00:39:37,202 --> 00:39:39,031
"Fuck am I invisible?"

1158
00:39:39,031 --> 00:39:41,862
And I said, sincerely,
"Who said that?"

1159
00:39:41,862 --> 00:39:43,484
And the whole bar cracked up.

1160
00:39:45,693 --> 00:39:47,799
And I'm like, "Yeah,
throw him out."

1161
00:39:47,799 --> 00:39:48,972
And they did.

1162
00:39:49,870 --> 00:39:51,872
That guy's like, "Hey!"

1163
00:39:51,872 --> 00:39:53,494
Threw him out the door.

1164
00:39:53,494 --> 00:39:54,978
"I am Caligula."

1165
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,743
People would get away with
crazy stuff in Chicago.

1166
00:40:00,743 --> 00:40:03,331
There was a bar
called Coconut Joe's,

1167
00:40:03,331 --> 00:40:04,160
a beach bar,

1168
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:05,541
nowhere near a beach.

1169
00:40:05,541 --> 00:40:08,060
And there was a thatched roof,

1170
00:40:08,060 --> 00:40:10,062
and Tiki drinks
and all that stuff.

1171
00:40:10,062 --> 00:40:12,410
And they had this amazing fun,

1172
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:14,377
and super safe thing they'd do

1173
00:40:14,377 --> 00:40:17,035
where they'd just
take a bottle of 151

1174
00:40:17,035 --> 00:40:19,071
and pour it all over the bar.

1175
00:40:19,071 --> 00:40:21,211
Splashing, not in
just a nice line,

1176
00:40:21,211 --> 00:40:22,385
just everywhere.

1177
00:40:23,213 --> 00:40:24,387
Light a match,

1178
00:40:24,387 --> 00:40:26,216
just light the
whole bar on fire.

1179
00:40:26,216 --> 00:40:28,564
And you're like,
"Oh yay, arson."

1180
00:40:28,564 --> 00:40:29,530
What a good time.

1181
00:40:30,738 --> 00:40:32,568
And they'd never warn you.

1182
00:40:32,568 --> 00:40:34,052
That's how piratey it was.

1183
00:40:34,052 --> 00:40:35,398
And one night,

1184
00:40:35,398 --> 00:40:38,194
there's a dude laying
back against the bar,

1185
00:40:38,194 --> 00:40:39,747
like this,

1186
00:40:39,747 --> 00:40:41,266
in a tank top.

1187
00:40:41,266 --> 00:40:43,579
And he had the most back,
shoulder, and arm hair

1188
00:40:43,579 --> 00:40:45,408
I've ever seen in my life.

1189
00:40:45,408 --> 00:40:48,894
Thick, like a
wookiee or a mammoth.

1190
00:40:48,894 --> 00:40:49,930
So much hair.

1191
00:40:49,930 --> 00:40:50,931
Like that thickness

1192
00:40:50,931 --> 00:40:52,035
where if you took a baseball

1193
00:40:52,035 --> 00:40:52,898
and set it on it,

1194
00:40:52,898 --> 00:40:54,106
it wouldn't sink.

1195
00:40:54,106 --> 00:40:56,937
It would just lay on
the green, right there.

1196
00:40:58,110 --> 00:40:59,422
And he is just laying there,

1197
00:40:59,422 --> 00:41:00,388
and sure enough,

1198
00:41:00,388 --> 00:41:01,735
this dude's pouring the rum.

1199
00:41:01,735 --> 00:41:02,598
And I'm like, "Huh."

1200
00:41:02,598 --> 00:41:04,738
Like I see it about to happen,

1201
00:41:04,738 --> 00:41:06,118
but my throat seized up

1202
00:41:06,118 --> 00:41:08,396
'cause I was so afraid.

1203
00:41:08,396 --> 00:41:10,433
Whole thing went on fire.

1204
00:41:10,433 --> 00:41:11,779
And so did this dude.

1205
00:41:12,746 --> 00:41:14,437
Whole back and shoulders just,

1206
00:41:14,437 --> 00:41:17,233
And we threw a jacket on him.

1207
00:41:17,233 --> 00:41:18,959
Thank God, Chicago's
always cold.

1208
00:41:18,959 --> 00:41:20,339
There's always a
pile of jackets.

1209
00:41:20,339 --> 00:41:22,618
We grabbed two jackets
and just covered him.

1210
00:41:23,791 --> 00:41:25,103
Put him out.

1211
00:41:25,103 --> 00:41:26,794
And I learned something
horrible about myself,

1212
00:41:26,794 --> 00:41:29,141
which is if I see
someone catch fire,

1213
00:41:29,141 --> 00:41:30,971
the first thing I
do or say is not,

1214
00:41:30,971 --> 00:41:33,007
"Oh no, let's help him.

1215
00:41:33,007 --> 00:41:34,630
"We should put him out,

1216
00:41:34,630 --> 00:41:36,666
"That guy's on fire."

1217
00:41:36,666 --> 00:41:39,635
The first reaction that comes
out of me instinctively is

1218
00:41:39,635 --> 00:41:41,119
" Wow.

1219
00:41:41,119 --> 00:41:42,120
"Oh no.

1220
00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:45,261
"Oh, is he alright?"

1221
00:41:49,334 --> 00:41:51,923
I didn't know back
hair caught that fast.

1222
00:41:53,131 --> 00:41:54,442
What are you pouring,

1223
00:41:54,442 --> 00:41:56,928
VO5 Sassoon all over
yourself there, sir.

1224
00:41:59,655 --> 00:42:02,002
Chicago's great, but
it's also just wrong.

1225
00:42:02,002 --> 00:42:03,486
Bars are open till 5:00 AM.

1226
00:42:03,486 --> 00:42:05,143
5:00?

1227
00:42:05,143 --> 00:42:07,455
That's a crime against God.

1228
00:42:07,455 --> 00:42:08,664
Even as a 24-year-old.

1229
00:42:08,664 --> 00:42:10,355
I'm like, "We made it.

1230
00:42:10,355 --> 00:42:12,150
"I don't wanna be here.

1231
00:42:12,150 --> 00:42:14,186
"I'm tired."

1232
00:42:14,186 --> 00:42:16,499
And you sit there and
you drink, 'til 5:00.

1233
00:42:16,499 --> 00:42:17,983
And if you know the bartender,

1234
00:42:17,983 --> 00:42:19,329
it's almost worse

1235
00:42:19,329 --> 00:42:20,883
because he or she'll
be like, "Last call.

1236
00:42:20,883 --> 00:42:21,849
"Not you, you stay.

1237
00:42:21,849 --> 00:42:22,643
"You're cool."

1238
00:42:23,851 --> 00:42:24,887
And then you stick around,

1239
00:42:24,887 --> 00:42:26,026
and they lock the door

1240
00:42:26,026 --> 00:42:26,854
when everyone's gone

1241
00:42:26,854 --> 00:42:27,717
and you drink some more.

1242
00:42:27,717 --> 00:42:29,236
And there's no better way

1243
00:42:29,236 --> 00:42:33,827
to feel like an
absolute pile of trash,

1244
00:42:33,827 --> 00:42:38,210
than by walking out of
a dark, windowless bar,

1245
00:42:38,210 --> 00:42:40,523
cartoon sailor drunk

1246
00:42:40,523 --> 00:42:44,527
into a bright, sunshine,
fully-grown day.

1247
00:42:44,527 --> 00:42:46,978
Like a zombie like, "Oh no.

1248
00:42:48,704 --> 00:42:51,327
"Is it sun time already?

1249
00:42:52,362 --> 00:42:54,054
"Is that a term?

1250
00:42:54,054 --> 00:42:56,194
"Oh, how is everyone?

1251
00:42:56,194 --> 00:42:57,195
"You're jogging.

1252
00:42:57,195 --> 00:42:58,368
"Welcome.

1253
00:42:58,368 --> 00:43:01,682
"Okay, what a
lovely dog and baby.

1254
00:43:05,721 --> 00:43:07,412
"Is this the line for brunch?"

1255
00:43:07,412 --> 00:43:08,827
Go to bed, sir.

1256
00:43:08,827 --> 00:43:10,691
My God.

1257
00:43:10,691 --> 00:43:12,382
You're sweating booze.

1258
00:43:13,867 --> 00:43:15,558
I feel like such a pile of shit.

1259
00:43:18,112 --> 00:43:20,252
But I love the stuff
I've seen in bars.

1260
00:43:20,252 --> 00:43:23,566
I think women need to
start acting up in bars

1261
00:43:23,566 --> 00:43:25,706
the way men have for millennia

1262
00:43:26,949 --> 00:43:28,467
And you might not
know what I mean.

1263
00:43:28,467 --> 00:43:30,538
A lady, you like raise your
fist like right on, brother.

1264
00:43:30,538 --> 00:43:33,956
But you might think
I mean being loud

1265
00:43:33,956 --> 00:43:35,267
or hitting on men,

1266
00:43:35,267 --> 00:43:38,236
no, there's a power you
might not know you have,

1267
00:43:38,236 --> 00:43:42,240
which is you can take
men's drinks away from them

1268
00:43:42,240 --> 00:43:43,413
and drink them yourself

1269
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:46,416
because no one will
believe the man that

1270
00:43:46,416 --> 00:43:48,280
that was his drink first.

1271
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:50,904
I know that because I was in DC

1272
00:43:50,904 --> 00:43:53,113
and a woman took my whole beer,

1273
00:43:53,113 --> 00:43:54,770
took my whole beer away.

1274
00:43:54,770 --> 00:43:55,771
I was sitting there,

1275
00:43:55,771 --> 00:43:57,082
this place called the Big Hunt,

1276
00:43:57,082 --> 00:43:58,774
which is underneath a bar,

1277
00:43:58,774 --> 00:43:59,913
it's a comedy club.

1278
00:43:59,913 --> 00:44:01,604
And I'm up there
with my notepad,

1279
00:44:01,604 --> 00:44:02,812
putting my little set together

1280
00:44:02,812 --> 00:44:04,952
for what I'm gonna say
tonight to the people

1281
00:44:04,952 --> 00:44:06,091
and I got a full beer.

1282
00:44:06,091 --> 00:44:07,506
I haven't touched it yet.

1283
00:44:07,506 --> 00:44:10,613
And this 22-year-old woman
in a cotton sundress,

1284
00:44:10,613 --> 00:44:12,995
just swoops in and picks it up

1285
00:44:12,995 --> 00:44:14,099
and just stares at me.

1286
00:44:17,275 --> 00:44:18,310
And I turn around,

1287
00:44:18,310 --> 00:44:19,967
I'm like, "Who's
with this girl?"

1288
00:44:19,967 --> 00:44:21,486
And there's three
bikers behind me.

1289
00:44:21,486 --> 00:44:25,145
And they're like, "Mm-mm,
I want no part of this.

1290
00:44:25,145 --> 00:44:26,664
"I don't know who that is."

1291
00:44:26,664 --> 00:44:28,113
She's on her own.

1292
00:44:28,113 --> 00:44:29,667
And she's just
staring at me like,

1293
00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:31,599
"Really, what the
are you gonna do?"

1294
00:44:31,599 --> 00:44:32,635
"If I say this is my beer,

1295
00:44:32,635 --> 00:44:33,809
"you know, this is my beer.

1296
00:44:33,809 --> 00:44:34,982
"Come on."

1297
00:44:34,982 --> 00:44:36,190
Just took it staring.

1298
00:44:36,190 --> 00:44:37,951
'Cause I realize
I'm doing the math.

1299
00:44:37,951 --> 00:44:40,850
If I snatch it, I look insane.

1300
00:44:40,850 --> 00:44:42,472
Like I just stole
some girl's beer.

1301
00:44:42,472 --> 00:44:43,681
Like, "Mine,"

1302
00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:46,338
Like a fucking psycho
Viking or something.

1303
00:44:46,338 --> 00:44:47,305
What, do I grab her?

1304
00:44:47,305 --> 00:44:48,306
No, I'll go to jail.

1305
00:44:48,306 --> 00:44:49,307
And she knows this.

1306
00:44:49,307 --> 00:44:50,688
She's just daring me.

1307
00:44:50,688 --> 00:44:53,207
And my manhood is just gone.

1308
00:44:53,207 --> 00:44:54,174
Like if it was a guy,

1309
00:44:54,174 --> 00:44:55,140
I'd be like, "Hey, fucker,

1310
00:44:55,140 --> 00:44:56,003
"that's mine!"

1311
00:44:56,003 --> 00:44:57,522
"The hell."

1312
00:44:57,522 --> 00:44:58,972
Or whatever butch thing
I'm supposed to do there.

1313
00:45:00,145 --> 00:45:01,457
But because it was a woman,

1314
00:45:01,457 --> 00:45:02,665
all that came outta me was,

1315
00:45:02,665 --> 00:45:03,839
"Hey, that's mine."

1316
00:45:03,839 --> 00:45:06,151
That's all that
came outta my face.

1317
00:45:06,151 --> 00:45:07,877
So pathetic,

1318
00:45:07,877 --> 00:45:09,361
"Give it.

1319
00:45:09,361 --> 00:45:10,777
"Mom!"

1320
00:45:12,468 --> 00:45:13,711
So lame.

1321
00:45:13,711 --> 00:45:16,679
And she stared me in the
face and just drank it,

1322
00:45:16,679 --> 00:45:19,371
looking at me like a
bigger guy in prison,

1323
00:45:19,371 --> 00:45:21,511
just eating my food
in front of me.

1324
00:45:22,340 --> 00:45:24,307
I've never felt smaller.

1325
00:45:24,307 --> 00:45:26,171
And then she sat on me.

1326
00:45:26,171 --> 00:45:27,552
Not in a sexy way,

1327
00:45:27,552 --> 00:45:29,692
but just like, "You're
a stool, fuck off."

1328
00:45:29,692 --> 00:45:30,520
Just sat.

1329
00:45:31,487 --> 00:45:32,660
And I'm like, get off me.

1330
00:45:32,660 --> 00:45:33,661
I pushed her.

1331
00:45:33,661 --> 00:45:35,560
I took a little of my power back

1332
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:37,527
and she just looks at
me and just goes, "Ah!"

1333
00:45:37,527 --> 00:45:39,529
Like I'm no fun.

1334
00:45:39,529 --> 00:45:41,393
And then she went down the bar

1335
00:45:41,393 --> 00:45:44,534
and drank three more dudes beers

1336
00:45:44,534 --> 00:45:46,744
and it was worth losing mine

1337
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:49,539
to watch them lose theirs.

1338
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:53,060
Straight up and down, man.

1339
00:45:53,060 --> 00:45:54,372
If I would've gone in
that bar and they're like,

1340
00:45:54,372 --> 00:45:55,407
"All right, here's the deal,

1341
00:45:55,407 --> 00:45:56,374
"you're gonna buy a beer,

1342
00:45:56,374 --> 00:45:57,237
"you don't get to drink it,

1343
00:45:57,237 --> 00:45:58,238
"she does."

1344
00:45:58,238 --> 00:45:59,066
I'd be like, "I'm gonna leave."

1345
00:45:59,066 --> 00:46:00,585
"Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1346
00:46:00,585 --> 00:46:03,381
"Get to watch her steal
three other guys beers

1347
00:46:03,381 --> 00:46:04,692
"for that fee."

1348
00:46:04,692 --> 00:46:06,073
I'd be like, "I will
buy this chick a keg.

1349
00:46:06,073 --> 00:46:08,075
"That sounds fantastic.

1350
00:46:08,075 --> 00:46:08,904
"Where do I sit?

1351
00:46:08,904 --> 00:46:09,939
"Why stop at three?

1352
00:46:09,939 --> 00:46:11,216
"Have her steal 12 beers,

1353
00:46:11,216 --> 00:46:12,735
"let's go."

1354
00:46:12,735 --> 00:46:14,081
The guy next to me,

1355
00:46:14,081 --> 00:46:15,600
first guy she took of the three,

1356
00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:17,084
way more evolved than me.

1357
00:46:17,084 --> 00:46:18,568
Like he knew the situation,

1358
00:46:18,568 --> 00:46:20,398
he did the math
better than I did.

1359
00:46:20,398 --> 00:46:21,399
She grabbed it,

1360
00:46:21,399 --> 00:46:22,745
he's like, "Hey, what the fuck!"

1361
00:46:22,745 --> 00:46:24,747
"shit, another beer."

1362
00:46:24,747 --> 00:46:26,404
He just knew,

1363
00:46:26,404 --> 00:46:27,612
that's gone.

1364
00:46:27,612 --> 00:46:29,579
There's no winning
this situation.

1365
00:46:29,579 --> 00:46:30,408
It's over.

1366
00:46:32,237 --> 00:46:33,445
It's amazing.

1367
00:46:33,445 --> 00:46:34,274
And she just drank
it next to him.

1368
00:46:34,274 --> 00:46:35,413
And he just looked away.

1369
00:46:36,759 --> 00:46:38,416
And she put the empty glass down

1370
00:46:38,416 --> 00:46:39,417
and went to the next guy.

1371
00:46:39,417 --> 00:46:41,453
The next guy was my favorite

1372
00:46:41,453 --> 00:46:43,248
because he had been hitting

1373
00:46:43,248 --> 00:46:45,906
on anything with
a pulse all night.

1374
00:46:45,906 --> 00:46:47,080
One of those guys who's like,

1375
00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:47,977
hit on 100 women,

1376
00:46:47,977 --> 00:46:48,944
99 say no,

1377
00:46:48,944 --> 00:46:50,117
but that one.

1378
00:46:50,117 --> 00:46:52,119
Yeah, but you've
annoyed 99 women,

1379
00:46:52,119 --> 00:46:53,293
and the whole bar.

1380
00:46:53,293 --> 00:46:56,399
Just jack off in your car
before you come in, sir,

1381
00:46:56,399 --> 00:46:57,745
get the poison outta you,

1382
00:46:57,745 --> 00:46:58,954
be a human being.

1383
00:46:58,954 --> 00:47:01,301
It's exhausting
to be around you.

1384
00:47:01,301 --> 00:47:03,303
I can't imagine what
it's like for women

1385
00:47:05,098 --> 00:47:06,099
And she comes up.

1386
00:47:06,099 --> 00:47:07,790
There were people in between us,

1387
00:47:07,790 --> 00:47:09,102
so I didn't even see it.

1388
00:47:09,102 --> 00:47:11,414
So I'll just do the
audio book version.

1389
00:47:11,414 --> 00:47:12,588
Here it is.

1390
00:47:12,588 --> 00:47:14,417
"Oh, hi .

1391
00:47:14,417 --> 00:47:15,453
"That's mine.

1392
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:17,800
"Whoa.

1393
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:19,457
"Wow.

1394
00:47:19,457 --> 00:47:20,458
"Thirsty. Huh?

1395
00:47:20,458 --> 00:47:22,115
"My kind of gal.

1396
00:47:22,115 --> 00:47:23,288
"I'm gonna get you another one.

1397
00:47:23,288 --> 00:47:24,496
"Hey, where are you going?

1398
00:47:27,672 --> 00:47:29,294
"What the fuck, man?"

1399
00:47:31,331 --> 00:47:33,298
That what the fuck,
man, he said to himself

1400
00:47:33,298 --> 00:47:34,990
was so good.

1401
00:47:34,990 --> 00:47:37,993
His self hatred just
spilled out of him.

1402
00:47:37,993 --> 00:47:38,821
Like an ooze,

1403
00:47:38,821 --> 00:47:40,167
like a poison.

1404
00:47:40,167 --> 00:47:41,651
"The fuck, man.

1405
00:47:41,651 --> 00:47:43,653
"Why does no one like me?"

1406
00:47:43,653 --> 00:47:45,966
Because you're obnoxious bro.

1407
00:47:45,966 --> 00:47:47,347
The last guy was kind of sad.

1408
00:47:47,347 --> 00:47:48,520
He was an old
rummy, named Dennis,

1409
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:50,488
he looked like the
Gordon's fisherman.

1410
00:47:52,179 --> 00:47:53,387
And I knew he was a rummy

1411
00:47:53,387 --> 00:47:54,664
because the bartender
put it down and went,

1412
00:47:54,664 --> 00:47:56,149
"Last one, Dennis."

1413
00:47:56,149 --> 00:47:57,840
That's a bad sign.

1414
00:47:57,840 --> 00:48:00,843
If the bartender knows your
name and says, last one,

1415
00:48:00,843 --> 00:48:03,535
rethink your life
choices, Dennis.

1416
00:48:03,535 --> 00:48:05,986
So bartender's like,
"Last one, Dennis."

1417
00:48:05,986 --> 00:48:07,850
And Dennis looks at his beer,

1418
00:48:07,850 --> 00:48:09,334
looks outside,

1419
00:48:09,334 --> 00:48:10,370
ready to drink it,

1420
00:48:10,370 --> 00:48:11,371
distracted by something.

1421
00:48:11,371 --> 00:48:12,406
She swoops in,

1422
00:48:12,406 --> 00:48:13,891
drinks his whole beer,

1423
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,376
puts an empty,
pristine glass down

1424
00:48:16,376 --> 00:48:19,413
and flies away on the wind.

1425
00:48:19,413 --> 00:48:21,829
And he just looks
back and goes, "Hey!"

1426
00:48:21,829 --> 00:48:23,901
To this day,

1427
00:48:23,901 --> 00:48:26,248
he probably tells everyone
he meets in that bar

1428
00:48:26,248 --> 00:48:28,422
that a ghost took his beer.

1429
00:48:28,422 --> 00:48:32,564
"It was a night
just like tonight,

1430
00:48:32,564 --> 00:48:35,222
"a ghost and a cotton
sundress swept in

1431
00:48:35,222 --> 00:48:36,430
"and took my beer."

1432
00:48:36,430 --> 00:48:37,707
Dennis, you're an alcoholic.

1433
00:48:37,707 --> 00:48:38,881
You drank it and forgot.

1434
00:48:38,881 --> 00:48:39,709
Shut up, dude.

1435
00:48:45,060 --> 00:48:47,062
I really love Nashville.

1436
00:48:47,062 --> 00:48:48,270
Not to quote the Bible,

1437
00:48:48,270 --> 00:48:49,857
but I'm not just licking
your dicks and clits,

1438
00:48:49,857 --> 00:48:50,686
I mean it.

1439
00:48:51,721 --> 00:48:53,068
That's book of Matthew,

1440
00:48:53,068 --> 00:48:54,069
that guy was a freak.

1441
00:48:57,106 --> 00:48:58,211
But I like,

1442
00:48:58,211 --> 00:49:00,075
this town is very gay.

1443
00:49:00,075 --> 00:49:00,938
I really dig that.

1444
00:49:00,938 --> 00:49:03,423
Got a lot of cool gay spaces,

1445
00:49:03,423 --> 00:49:05,597
big gay, populous in town.

1446
00:49:05,597 --> 00:49:08,566
And I see a few fellow allies.

1447
00:49:08,566 --> 00:49:10,085
And that's cool.

1448
00:49:10,085 --> 00:49:12,708
And I feel like I've always
had every kind of friend,

1449
00:49:12,708 --> 00:49:13,536
different colors,

1450
00:49:13,536 --> 00:49:14,710
different creeds.

1451
00:49:14,710 --> 00:49:15,573
I don't know what a creed is,

1452
00:49:15,573 --> 00:49:16,884
but we had all kinds,

1453
00:49:18,438 --> 00:49:20,785
people that have different
sexual proclivities.

1454
00:49:20,785 --> 00:49:22,821
I pride of myself,

1455
00:49:22,821 --> 00:49:26,066
not judging and having all
kinds of people in my life,

1456
00:49:26,066 --> 00:49:26,894
gay friends,

1457
00:49:26,894 --> 00:49:27,723
non-binary friends,

1458
00:49:27,723 --> 00:49:28,551
and that's cool,

1459
00:49:28,551 --> 00:49:30,933
but,

1460
00:49:30,933 --> 00:49:32,797
I just have seen this too often

1461
00:49:32,797 --> 00:49:35,973
that I feel like I have to
make a PSA to my fellow allies.

1462
00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:40,943
Please stop asking what a
gay couple does in the sack

1463
00:49:42,496 --> 00:49:44,153
to their face, please.

1464
00:49:44,153 --> 00:49:46,155
I know you probably think,

1465
00:49:46,155 --> 00:49:47,156
"When does that happen?"

1466
00:49:47,156 --> 00:49:48,468
I've seen it.

1467
00:49:48,468 --> 00:49:50,780
And it's always a dude
who looks similar to me

1468
00:49:50,780 --> 00:49:52,127
and he's faded.

1469
00:49:52,127 --> 00:49:53,438
And he means well,

1470
00:49:53,438 --> 00:49:54,612
but he just walks
up to a gay couple

1471
00:49:54,612 --> 00:49:55,613
and he is like,

1472
00:49:55,613 --> 00:49:57,132
"Hey, sorry to bother you,

1473
00:49:57,132 --> 00:49:58,823
"but this is awesome.

1474
00:49:59,789 --> 00:50:01,101
"You guys rock.

1475
00:50:01,101 --> 00:50:02,275
"Fully support you.

1476
00:50:02,275 --> 00:50:03,138
"It's great.

1477
00:50:03,138 --> 00:50:05,657
"But listen,

1478
00:50:05,657 --> 00:50:08,833
"can I ask you guys?

1479
00:50:08,833 --> 00:50:10,317
"Just curious.

1480
00:50:10,317 --> 00:50:11,422
"Who's the one that,

1481
00:50:11,422 --> 00:50:12,319
"which one?

1482
00:50:12,319 --> 00:50:13,424
"Just curious, who's the."

1483
00:50:14,701 --> 00:50:18,153
No, just let it be
a magical mystery.

1484
00:50:18,153 --> 00:50:18,981
You know what I mean?

1485
00:50:18,981 --> 00:50:19,809
Or watch a movie.

1486
00:50:19,809 --> 00:50:20,983
There's plenty of them.

1487
00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:23,986
My point is,

1488
00:50:23,986 --> 00:50:26,023
why is it never the other way?

1489
00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:27,334
I've never had a gay guy
just walk up and be like,

1490
00:50:27,334 --> 00:50:28,680
"How do you fuck your wife?

1491
00:50:28,680 --> 00:50:29,509
"What do you do?

1492
00:50:29,509 --> 00:50:30,820
"What do you guys?

1493
00:50:30,820 --> 00:50:31,649
"How's it work?

1494
00:50:31,649 --> 00:50:32,650
"Who does what?

1495
00:50:32,650 --> 00:50:34,169
"Who does what to who?

1496
00:50:34,169 --> 00:50:36,826
"Who's the thing that's this
and the thing that's this?

1497
00:50:36,826 --> 00:50:38,518
"what exactly happens?

1498
00:50:38,518 --> 00:50:39,829
"Play-by-play it for me.

1499
00:50:40,658 --> 00:50:41,521
"You wanna drink?

1500
00:50:41,521 --> 00:50:42,832
"Sorry to bother you.

1501
00:50:42,832 --> 00:50:43,868
"I support you as
a straight man."

1502
00:50:45,145 --> 00:50:46,664
Never.

1503
00:50:46,664 --> 00:50:49,977
And people think gay sex
is disgusting, some people.

1504
00:50:49,977 --> 00:50:51,496
Nope, it's not.

1505
00:50:51,496 --> 00:50:54,189
All sex is
disgusting, all of it.

1506
00:50:54,189 --> 00:50:55,535
There's no exception.

1507
00:50:55,535 --> 00:50:57,709
It's awful looking.

1508
00:50:57,709 --> 00:51:00,057
Have you ever had a
moment of actual clarity

1509
00:51:00,057 --> 00:51:01,575
while having sex?

1510
00:51:01,575 --> 00:51:03,336
And you're like, "The
fuck am I doing right now?

1511
00:51:04,371 --> 00:51:05,855
"I look terrible.

1512
00:51:05,855 --> 00:51:08,479
"Why is there a mirror
on that closet door.

1513
00:51:10,481 --> 00:51:11,309
"No, ugh.

1514
00:51:12,379 --> 00:51:14,174
"When did I grow a mole there?"

1515
00:51:16,176 --> 00:51:18,247
It's so gross, that's
why it's great.

1516
00:51:18,247 --> 00:51:19,248
It feels so good.

1517
00:51:19,248 --> 00:51:21,181
You just do this awful
thing, you know?

1518
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:26,393
and like straight guys
are gross out by gay sex.

1519
00:51:26,393 --> 00:51:27,739
and that's why they ask.

1520
00:51:27,739 --> 00:51:30,432
And gay persons never asked me

1521
00:51:30,432 --> 00:51:32,261
how I have straight sex.

1522
00:51:32,261 --> 00:51:34,712
And ironically,
if they ever did,

1523
00:51:34,712 --> 00:51:36,196
they might be disturbed.

1524
00:51:37,577 --> 00:51:41,719
My wife has done horrible
things to me, ma'am.

1525
00:51:41,719 --> 00:51:43,030
Brutal things.

1526
00:51:44,894 --> 00:51:46,758
Look, she just
did a normal thing

1527
00:51:46,758 --> 00:51:48,553
that everyone in this
room has probably done

1528
00:51:48,553 --> 00:51:49,865
and I've done at some point.

1529
00:51:50,866 --> 00:51:52,247
just did it early.

1530
00:51:52,247 --> 00:51:54,594
It was like our second
or third time doing it.

1531
00:51:54,594 --> 00:51:56,527
We were cartoon sailor hammered

1532
00:51:56,527 --> 00:51:58,425
and going at it.

1533
00:51:58,425 --> 00:51:59,254
That's fun.

1534
00:51:59,254 --> 00:52:00,082
Drunk sex,

1535
00:52:00,082 --> 00:52:01,808
you can barely feel.

1536
00:52:01,808 --> 00:52:04,051
It's more emotion
than physicality,

1537
00:52:04,051 --> 00:52:04,880
that's neat.

1538
00:52:06,261 --> 00:52:08,090
But she did a thing
we've all done,

1539
00:52:08,090 --> 00:52:10,575
which is you think
this is going great.

1540
00:52:10,575 --> 00:52:11,438
I feel good,

1541
00:52:11,438 --> 00:52:12,646
they feel good.

1542
00:52:12,646 --> 00:52:14,096
Maybe they like a
finger in the bum.

1543
00:52:14,096 --> 00:52:16,098
Maybe just a touch,

1544
00:52:16,098 --> 00:52:17,755
just check in.

1545
00:52:17,755 --> 00:52:20,275
But you gotta finesse it.

1546
00:52:20,275 --> 00:52:21,724
Gotta go, "Hey,

1547
00:52:21,724 --> 00:52:24,589
♪ Just checking in.

1548
00:52:24,589 --> 00:52:29,560
♪ Is this something
you might like ♪

1549
00:52:31,320 --> 00:52:35,462
♪ Maybe you'd like a
finger in your butt hole ♪

1550
00:52:35,462 --> 00:52:36,946
Play that one-holed flute.

1551
00:52:45,783 --> 00:52:48,130
See if they wanna
dance that tune.

1552
00:52:48,130 --> 00:52:50,132
They might be like,
"I like this jam."

1553
00:52:51,961 --> 00:52:54,481
They might.

1554
00:52:54,481 --> 00:52:57,139
You gotta knock, knock,
knock on heaven's door.

1555
00:52:57,139 --> 00:52:58,140
That's my point.

1556
00:52:58,140 --> 00:52:59,762
That's what that song's about.

1557
00:53:00,936 --> 00:53:01,799
Take it from me.

1558
00:53:03,145 --> 00:53:04,457
I'm friends with Bob Dylan.

1559
00:53:06,493 --> 00:53:08,012
My point is you can't just, AHH!

1560
00:53:08,978 --> 00:53:11,464
Like a maniac savage.

1561
00:53:11,464 --> 00:53:12,327
You can't,

1562
00:53:12,327 --> 00:53:13,500
you can't,

1563
00:53:13,500 --> 00:53:14,984
you can't,

1564
00:53:14,984 --> 00:53:16,469
unless you're my wife.

1565
00:53:17,849 --> 00:53:19,817
Holy crap, you guys.

1566
00:53:19,817 --> 00:53:21,336
She splunked me.

1567
00:53:21,336 --> 00:53:22,164
She went in.

1568
00:53:26,168 --> 00:53:27,342
She just hard,

1569
00:53:27,342 --> 00:53:28,998
put her shoulder into it.

1570
00:53:30,345 --> 00:53:33,348
Oh, like hot dog size
veins came outta my neck.

1571
00:53:33,348 --> 00:53:34,659
I never knew I had.

1572
00:53:34,659 --> 00:53:35,488
Mm.

1573
00:53:36,558 --> 00:53:38,456
It was bad, man.

1574
00:53:39,837 --> 00:53:42,840
How can I punch in
exactly how she did this?

1575
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:44,393
How can I describe it?

1576
00:53:44,393 --> 00:53:45,498
I need to go deeper.

1577
00:53:46,395 --> 00:53:48,190
Look,

1578
00:53:48,190 --> 00:53:49,571
how do I drive this home?

1579
00:53:49,571 --> 00:53:52,056
Okay, boxing, that's it.

1580
00:53:52,056 --> 00:53:54,196
You guys all know
rudimentary boxing technique.

1581
00:53:54,196 --> 00:53:55,370
I'm assuming,

1582
00:53:55,370 --> 00:53:57,337
'cause you're also like
me from the streets.

1583
00:53:58,994 --> 00:53:59,822
You got your jab,

1584
00:53:59,822 --> 00:54:00,823
you got your cross,

1585
00:54:00,823 --> 00:54:02,169
you got your hook.

1586
00:54:02,169 --> 00:54:03,067
But you're upper cut,

1587
00:54:03,067 --> 00:54:05,207
that's a fight finisher.

1588
00:54:05,207 --> 00:54:07,692
'Cause it's not just your
shoulders and your middle,

1589
00:54:07,692 --> 00:54:09,211
it's your ham.

1590
00:54:09,211 --> 00:54:10,695
So you wanna drop,

1591
00:54:10,695 --> 00:54:11,558
use your legs.

1592
00:54:11,558 --> 00:54:12,732
Drop under the defenses,

1593
00:54:12,732 --> 00:54:13,733
hook them like this,

1594
00:54:13,733 --> 00:54:16,494
explode upward like a thrust.

1595
00:54:17,737 --> 00:54:19,739
And send your fist
through their jaw,

1596
00:54:19,739 --> 00:54:21,844
which goes through their brain.

1597
00:54:21,844 --> 00:54:23,225
Knock out!

1598
00:54:23,225 --> 00:54:25,054
Now, imagine instead of a fist,

1599
00:54:25,054 --> 00:54:26,573
it's my wife's finger,

1600
00:54:26,573 --> 00:54:31,509
held high and defiant like
a railroad spike of rage.

1601
00:54:33,097 --> 00:54:36,376
And instead of a jaw, it's
my asshole, Nashville.

1602
00:54:38,033 --> 00:54:39,103
She got in and under,

1603
00:54:39,103 --> 00:54:41,105
lifted me up Clubber Lang-ed me,

1604
00:54:41,105 --> 00:54:42,555
lifted me off the bed,

1605
00:54:43,901 --> 00:54:45,074
blood came outta my mouth,

1606
00:54:45,074 --> 00:54:46,731
eyeball left the socket.

1607
00:54:46,731 --> 00:54:47,905
"I don't like it."

1608
00:54:49,734 --> 00:54:50,942
And now we know.

1609
00:54:50,942 --> 00:54:52,772
That is not my jam,

1610
00:54:52,772 --> 00:54:53,600
literally.

1611
00:54:55,740 --> 00:54:56,569
Look.

1612
00:55:00,089 --> 00:55:01,781
Okay, it wasn't even that bad.

1613
00:55:01,781 --> 00:55:03,714
If I'm honest, I'm just a bitch.

1614
00:55:03,714 --> 00:55:04,956
It's true.

1615
00:55:04,956 --> 00:55:07,442
It just felt that way
to me at the time,

1616
00:55:07,442 --> 00:55:09,616
she probably barely put
half a nail in there

1617
00:55:09,616 --> 00:55:10,790
and I'm like, "No!"

1618
00:55:11,653 --> 00:55:12,619
Jumped off the bed,

1619
00:55:12,619 --> 00:55:14,276
wrapped myself in 10 blankets,

1620
00:55:14,276 --> 00:55:15,139
sat there.

1621
00:55:17,831 --> 00:55:19,592
"Why would you hurt me?"

1622
00:55:24,942 --> 00:55:25,943
You guys do drugs?

1623
00:55:28,117 --> 00:55:30,637
Resounding positive, yeah.

1624
00:55:30,637 --> 00:55:31,811
All right. Let's
do a quick survey.

1625
00:55:31,811 --> 00:55:33,606
Just call out the
drug you enjoy.

1626
00:55:33,606 --> 00:55:34,400
Go ahead.

1627
00:55:35,262 --> 00:55:36,574
Pot,

1628
00:55:36,574 --> 00:55:37,644
molly.

1629
00:55:37,644 --> 00:55:38,473
[Audience Member I] Ketamine!

1630
00:55:38,473 --> 00:55:39,439
Ketamine nice.

1631
00:55:39,439 --> 00:55:40,302
That's a strong ketamine.

1632
00:55:41,338 --> 00:55:42,684
You don't take
enough, I think sir.

1633
00:55:42,684 --> 00:55:43,823
I love doing that.

1634
00:55:43,823 --> 00:55:45,342
I do it for me

1635
00:55:45,342 --> 00:55:47,792
because I read a book
once by a defense Attorney

1636
00:55:47,792 --> 00:55:49,035
That was like,

1637
00:55:49,035 --> 00:55:50,692
"The truth just sounds
different in court."

1638
00:55:50,692 --> 00:55:52,141
In my job, I read people.

1639
00:55:52,141 --> 00:55:53,971
I read crowds

1640
00:55:53,971 --> 00:55:56,145
and feel out the kind of
material I'm gonna do.

1641
00:55:56,145 --> 00:55:57,664
I love doing the drug survey

1642
00:55:57,664 --> 00:56:01,358
'cause I can tell
all of you enjoy

1643
00:56:01,358 --> 00:56:02,842
and do those drugs actively.

1644
00:56:02,842 --> 00:56:03,808
Everyone who called them out.

1645
00:56:03,808 --> 00:56:05,051
I can tell.

1646
00:56:05,051 --> 00:56:06,949
Even the guy who's
way too agro, "Weed!"

1647
00:56:08,537 --> 00:56:10,159
Maybe too much sativa,

1648
00:56:10,159 --> 00:56:12,679
switch, little indica mixed in.

1649
00:56:12,679 --> 00:56:13,508
It's just an idea.

1650
00:56:15,337 --> 00:56:16,338
And I love it.

1651
00:56:16,338 --> 00:56:17,201
'Cause I've had people fake it.

1652
00:56:17,201 --> 00:56:18,340
Like guys like, "Heroin."

1653
00:56:18,340 --> 00:56:20,169
Not a chance in hell.

1654
00:56:20,169 --> 00:56:21,205
You wouldn't have
that much energy

1655
00:56:21,205 --> 00:56:22,344
and you wouldn't be here.

1656
00:56:22,344 --> 00:56:23,863
No one shoots up and is like,

1657
00:56:23,863 --> 00:56:26,486
"I love to drool,
and laugh, and piss."

1658
00:56:28,523 --> 00:56:31,836
Heroin's not a comedy drug ever.

1659
00:56:31,836 --> 00:56:32,872
But some people,

1660
00:56:32,872 --> 00:56:34,529
man, do they do the drugs.

1661
00:56:34,529 --> 00:56:35,495
God, where was I?

1662
00:56:37,359 --> 00:56:39,396
I was in Arizona,

1663
00:56:39,396 --> 00:56:40,707
and I was like,

1664
00:56:40,707 --> 00:56:41,881
"Hey guys, what's
your favorite dr-?"

1665
00:56:41,881 --> 00:56:44,401
I didn't even ask
what drug do you do?

1666
00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:46,748
I got partway
through the word drug

1667
00:56:46,748 --> 00:56:47,921
in what's your favorite drug?

1668
00:56:47,921 --> 00:56:48,888
"What's your favorite dr-?

1669
00:56:48,888 --> 00:56:50,061
And this guy goes, "Cocaine."

1670
00:56:50,061 --> 00:56:52,581
Before I finish the word drug.

1671
00:56:52,581 --> 00:56:53,755
Just pulled his gun out,

1672
00:56:53,755 --> 00:56:54,721
shot it outta the air,

1673
00:56:54,721 --> 00:56:56,378
spun it back in the holster.

1674
00:56:59,346 --> 00:57:01,348
But I was playing
upstate New York,

1675
00:57:01,348 --> 00:57:03,696
was playing a club
and the booker,

1676
00:57:03,696 --> 00:57:05,076
the buyer,

1677
00:57:05,076 --> 00:57:06,388
or the owner were like,

1678
00:57:06,388 --> 00:57:08,425
"Hey, would you mind
doing a matinee show?"

1679
00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:09,702
And I'm like, "Yeah."

1680
00:57:09,702 --> 00:57:11,704
I don't like doing three
shows in the night.

1681
00:57:11,704 --> 00:57:12,912
Like that third show,

1682
00:57:12,912 --> 00:57:13,844
you're like, "Did I
do this joke already?

1683
00:57:13,844 --> 00:57:14,603
"Where am I?

1684
00:57:14,603 --> 00:57:15,501
"What's my name?"

1685
00:57:16,363 --> 00:57:17,606
Three separate hours,

1686
00:57:17,606 --> 00:57:18,883
you tend to lose track.

1687
00:57:20,402 --> 00:57:21,783
He's like, "Well,
it's like a favor.

1688
00:57:21,783 --> 00:57:23,957
"We have a massive
senior citizen community

1689
00:57:23,957 --> 00:57:25,234
"and they just want
to come to a show

1690
00:57:25,234 --> 00:57:26,546
"and they don't
wanna be up late."

1691
00:57:26,546 --> 00:57:27,582
I'm like, "Oh yeah, let's do it.

1692
00:57:27,582 --> 00:57:28,617
"Let's see who comes."

1693
00:57:28,617 --> 00:57:29,791
Packed house.

1694
00:57:29,791 --> 00:57:31,620
Packed house of people,

1695
00:57:31,620 --> 00:57:33,415
75 and older.

1696
00:57:33,415 --> 00:57:34,761
Yeah, it was actually awesome.

1697
00:57:34,761 --> 00:57:35,728
They were fun,

1698
00:57:35,728 --> 00:57:36,418
they rolled with everything,

1699
00:57:36,418 --> 00:57:37,937
it's great.

1700
00:57:37,937 --> 00:57:39,732
So I was looking out of
this audience of old folks,

1701
00:57:39,732 --> 00:57:42,389
and I was like, "Should
I do the drug survey?"

1702
00:57:42,389 --> 00:57:43,598
Everything in me screamed, no.

1703
00:57:43,598 --> 00:57:45,634
And I'm like, "Nope, screw that.

1704
00:57:45,634 --> 00:57:46,911
"Do it.

1705
00:57:46,911 --> 00:57:47,947
"You guys do drugs?"

1706
00:57:47,947 --> 00:57:51,122
Silence, icy silence,

1707
00:57:51,122 --> 00:57:53,435
like a tumbleweed rolling in,

1708
00:57:53,435 --> 00:57:54,609
floating on the wind.

1709
00:57:54,609 --> 00:57:56,093
Not even on the ground.

1710
00:57:56,093 --> 00:57:57,094
And I was like,

1711
00:57:57,094 --> 00:57:57,784
"What's your favorite drug?

1712
00:57:57,784 --> 00:57:58,613
"Call it out."

1713
00:57:58,613 --> 00:57:59,614
Nothing.

1714
00:57:59,614 --> 00:58:01,961
A silence beyond silence.

1715
00:58:01,961 --> 00:58:05,102
And I go, "Guys, it
doesn't matter what drug,

1716
00:58:05,102 --> 00:58:06,621
"whatever you're into.

1717
00:58:06,621 --> 00:58:08,277
"It doesn't have to be a
cool drug or an illegal drug.

1718
00:58:08,277 --> 00:58:09,451
"Caffeine's a drug,

1719
00:58:09,451 --> 00:58:10,590
"alcohol's a drug.

1720
00:58:10,590 --> 00:58:11,626
"Tylenol's a drug,

1721
00:58:11,626 --> 00:58:12,972
"whatever you like."

1722
00:58:12,972 --> 00:58:15,975
And this brave man saved my ass

1723
00:58:15,975 --> 00:58:18,287
by going, "Benadryl?"

1724
00:58:18,287 --> 00:58:19,979
Fuck yeah, Benadryl.

1725
00:58:19,979 --> 00:58:22,291
That's a great drug, sir.

1726
00:58:22,291 --> 00:58:24,466
A pill that makes you not itch.

1727
00:58:24,466 --> 00:58:25,294
Amazing.

1728
00:58:26,641 --> 00:58:27,952
If I'm on tour with Phish,

1729
00:58:27,952 --> 00:58:29,644
I want Benadryl.

1730
00:58:29,644 --> 00:58:31,162
I don't want weed.

1731
00:58:31,162 --> 00:58:33,302
I want to not itch from all
this rashes I'm getting.

1732
00:58:34,649 --> 00:58:36,305
I'm sleeping in this tent.

1733
00:58:36,305 --> 00:58:37,652
Good call.

1734
00:58:37,652 --> 00:58:38,515
I'm like, "Anyone else."

1735
00:58:38,515 --> 00:58:39,999
And this lady with a beehive,

1736
00:58:39,999 --> 00:58:41,483
her hand comes up like this,

1737
00:58:41,483 --> 00:58:42,691
just shaking.

1738
00:58:42,691 --> 00:58:44,003
And I'm like, "You don't
have to raise your hand.

1739
00:58:44,003 --> 00:58:45,142
"What is your name, ma'am?"

1740
00:58:45,142 --> 00:58:46,661
she goes, "Doris."

1741
00:58:46,661 --> 00:58:48,007
And I go, "Doris,
what's your drug?"

1742
00:58:48,007 --> 00:58:50,112
And she goes, "NyQuil."

1743
00:58:51,148 --> 00:58:52,321
And I go, "Okay, Doris,

1744
00:58:52,321 --> 00:58:53,530
"let me ask you something.

1745
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:55,014
"You ever fill it
up past the line."

1746
00:58:55,014 --> 00:58:57,672
And she goes, "Mm-hm."

1747
00:58:57,672 --> 00:58:59,812
Now we're partying, Doris.

1748
00:58:59,812 --> 00:59:00,985
Now we're partying.

1749
00:59:03,022 --> 00:59:05,369
Doris likes a full cup, man.

1750
00:59:14,033 --> 00:59:15,344
You guys are awesome.

1751
00:59:15,344 --> 00:59:16,483
I'm gonna do one
more bit for you.

1752
00:59:16,483 --> 00:59:17,346
You guys rock,

1753
00:59:17,346 --> 00:59:18,382
I was gonna say that.

1754
00:59:19,314 --> 00:59:20,971
Thank you.

1755
00:59:20,971 --> 00:59:23,836
Very cool.

1756
00:59:25,216 --> 00:59:28,150
I think every guy has to have
good examples growing up,

1757
00:59:29,393 --> 00:59:31,222
to learn what it is
to be a good man.

1758
00:59:31,222 --> 00:59:35,226
But I think we also need
a few terrible examples.

1759
00:59:35,226 --> 00:59:36,400
We need to meet guys
we're just like,

1760
00:59:36,400 --> 00:59:38,367
"I can never be you.

1761
00:59:38,367 --> 00:59:40,231
"Man, do you suck."

1762
00:59:40,231 --> 00:59:42,233
We have to have those
guys floating around

1763
00:59:42,233 --> 00:59:46,410
and I was on vacation
with my wife in Anguilla,

1764
00:59:46,410 --> 00:59:48,101
it's a beautiful island
in the Caribbean.

1765
00:59:48,101 --> 00:59:50,690
And I met the worst
guy I've ever met.

1766
00:59:52,036 --> 00:59:53,037
And his name was Doug.

1767
00:59:54,418 --> 00:59:57,386
And that sucked because every
other Doug I've ever met

1768
00:59:57,386 --> 00:59:58,387
is super chill.

1769
00:59:58,387 --> 00:59:59,906
Sells you eat at a discount,

1770
00:59:59,906 --> 01:00:01,563
smokes a little with you,

1771
01:00:01,563 --> 01:00:03,945
teaches you about
life, unrattled.

1772
01:00:03,945 --> 01:00:05,740
Doug, is anyone
coming to my party?

1773
01:00:05,740 --> 01:00:06,948
"Cool, man, I'm here."

1774
01:00:06,948 --> 01:00:07,776
They'll show up.

1775
01:00:07,776 --> 01:00:08,950
"It's me, Doug."

1776
01:00:08,950 --> 01:00:09,916
Dougs are awesome.

1777
01:00:11,090 --> 01:00:13,540
But this Doug sucked.

1778
01:00:13,540 --> 01:00:14,749
And the first night,

1779
01:00:14,749 --> 01:00:16,267
all the new people that
had just come to resort,

1780
01:00:16,267 --> 01:00:18,545
they're like, "Would you like
to go on a sunset cruise?"

1781
01:00:18,545 --> 01:00:20,306
And I'm like, "That
sounds delightful."

1782
01:00:20,306 --> 01:00:23,585
Turns out it's just a
giant speedboat with seats.

1783
01:00:23,585 --> 01:00:26,277
And they gave us a
jug of rum runners.

1784
01:00:26,277 --> 01:00:29,108
And it was the kind of
alcoholic level, rum runner,

1785
01:00:29,108 --> 01:00:31,386
where you have two sips
and you're just like,

1786
01:00:31,386 --> 01:00:32,594
"Why do we worry about anything?

1787
01:00:32,594 --> 01:00:33,595
"I feel great.

1788
01:00:35,562 --> 01:00:36,391
"Why worry, man,

1789
01:00:36,391 --> 01:00:37,426
"life is awesome.

1790
01:00:37,426 --> 01:00:38,600
"It's awesome."

1791
01:00:38,600 --> 01:00:40,429
Reveals how hammered you are.

1792
01:00:41,603 --> 01:00:42,949
And then they just
hit the throttle

1793
01:00:42,949 --> 01:00:44,606
and you're just
hitting every wave.

1794
01:00:44,606 --> 01:00:47,091
Like just splashing your
drink all over yourself.

1795
01:00:47,091 --> 01:00:49,300
Just like, "This is
the best sunset cruise

1796
01:00:49,300 --> 01:00:51,164
"I've ever been on in my life."

1797
01:00:51,164 --> 01:00:54,651
Just drink all over
your face and chest.

1798
01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:57,654
And we drove out past
the breakers and settled,

1799
01:00:57,654 --> 01:00:59,621
and then we started
meeting each other.

1800
01:00:59,621 --> 01:01:00,967
We're all comfortably drunk.

1801
01:01:00,967 --> 01:01:01,934
And like, "What do
you do for a living?

1802
01:01:01,934 --> 01:01:02,797
"Oh, that's cool.

1803
01:01:02,797 --> 01:01:04,143
"And where are you from?"

1804
01:01:04,143 --> 01:01:06,007
And we're from all other
places around the world.

1805
01:01:06,007 --> 01:01:07,940
And then Doug starts
walking around

1806
01:01:07,940 --> 01:01:11,944
and alphaing everybody on
the boat, men and women.

1807
01:01:11,944 --> 01:01:14,187
Doug was deep into his 50s.

1808
01:01:14,187 --> 01:01:16,638
He'd already been drinking
before he got on the speed boat,

1809
01:01:16,638 --> 01:01:18,191
so he is hammered.

1810
01:01:18,191 --> 01:01:19,503
And he's just going
up to everyone going,

1811
01:01:19,503 --> 01:01:20,987
"So what do you
do for a living?"

1812
01:01:20,987 --> 01:01:22,161
And no matter what they say,

1813
01:01:22,161 --> 01:01:24,301
he'd be like, "Huh,
all right, whatever."

1814
01:01:24,301 --> 01:01:25,820
Like it's not a real job.

1815
01:01:25,820 --> 01:01:27,338
But not in a funny way.

1816
01:01:27,338 --> 01:01:30,307
He condescend it to all of us.

1817
01:01:30,307 --> 01:01:31,308
And I'm just like,

1818
01:01:31,308 --> 01:01:32,999
"Oh, Doug don't come to me."

1819
01:01:32,999 --> 01:01:35,001
I don't even understand
what I do for a living.

1820
01:01:35,001 --> 01:01:36,175
Like I don't even get it.

1821
01:01:36,175 --> 01:01:38,142
So he was like,
"What about you bro?"

1822
01:01:38,142 --> 01:01:40,317
Bro, he's 56.

1823
01:01:40,317 --> 01:01:43,320
Calm down, let bro go, man.

1824
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:44,701
He's like, "What about you bro?"

1825
01:01:44,701 --> 01:01:46,012
I'm like, "Oh, I'm
actually a comedian, Doug."

1826
01:01:46,012 --> 01:01:47,842
And he's like, "Good
luck with that."

1827
01:01:47,842 --> 01:01:50,810
Which is how I feel every
night on this stage.

1828
01:01:51,673 --> 01:01:53,019
Moment to moment.

1829
01:01:53,019 --> 01:01:53,986
Here we go.

1830
01:01:53,986 --> 01:01:55,194
Hope they like this joke.

1831
01:01:55,194 --> 01:01:56,885
Good luck with that,
out of the plane.

1832
01:01:56,885 --> 01:01:57,817
No parachute.

1833
01:01:59,336 --> 01:02:00,993
That's my job, Doug.

1834
01:02:00,993 --> 01:02:02,304
You nailed it.

1835
01:02:02,304 --> 01:02:03,685
And then we're all like,

1836
01:02:03,685 --> 01:02:04,859
Doug walks away with

1837
01:02:04,859 --> 01:02:05,860
my wife and I look
at each other like,

1838
01:02:05,860 --> 01:02:07,378
"Fuck this guy."

1839
01:02:07,378 --> 01:02:10,347
Then the guy at the other end
of the boat recognizes me.

1840
01:02:10,347 --> 01:02:11,831
He goes, "Hey, wait a minute.

1841
01:02:11,831 --> 01:02:13,212
"Hey man, are you
Matt Braunger?"

1842
01:02:13,212 --> 01:02:16,353
And I'm like, "Yeah,
yeah, that's me."

1843
01:02:16,353 --> 01:02:17,595
And he's like,

1844
01:02:17,595 --> 01:02:19,045
"Oh dude, my wife and I
loved your last special.

1845
01:02:19,045 --> 01:02:20,357
"You're awesome, man."

1846
01:02:20,357 --> 01:02:22,255
I'm like, "Thanks,
dude, sincerely."

1847
01:02:22,255 --> 01:02:24,223
And Doug's head just snaps.

1848
01:02:24,223 --> 01:02:26,501
He looks at me 'cause
now I have value.

1849
01:02:28,675 --> 01:02:30,160
And he's like, "I
knew I knew this guy.

1850
01:02:30,160 --> 01:02:31,023
"I knew..."

1851
01:02:31,023 --> 01:02:31,851
He never knew me,

1852
01:02:31,851 --> 01:02:33,059
never once.

1853
01:02:33,059 --> 01:02:35,544
He's like, "This guy's
a fucking assassin,

1854
01:02:35,544 --> 01:02:36,891
"fucking assassin.

1855
01:02:36,891 --> 01:02:39,617
"I knew it, you're a
fucking assassin, bro."

1856
01:02:39,617 --> 01:02:41,585
And he goes to high
five me and misses.

1857
01:02:41,585 --> 01:02:43,725
'Cause he sees like six of me,

1858
01:02:43,725 --> 01:02:45,727
Doug and his wife
were terrible, man.

1859
01:02:45,727 --> 01:02:46,901
We hated them.

1860
01:02:46,901 --> 01:02:49,213
At one point Doug
got a Caribbean man

1861
01:02:49,213 --> 01:02:50,421
who worked there,

1862
01:02:50,421 --> 01:02:52,734
working a job to
loan him his durag.

1863
01:02:52,734 --> 01:02:53,735
Doug put it on,

1864
01:02:53,735 --> 01:02:55,392
started doing hip hop poses.

1865
01:02:56,773 --> 01:02:58,567
Did you hear every white
person's butt hole just pucker?

1866
01:02:58,567 --> 01:02:59,430
Did you hear that?

1867
01:03:00,431 --> 01:03:01,743
Like, "We can't afford you, man.

1868
01:03:01,743 --> 01:03:03,918
"We gotta throw you
off this boat, Doug.

1869
01:03:03,918 --> 01:03:06,265
"Cement shoe this motherfucker."

1870
01:03:07,922 --> 01:03:10,062
We're done no more
white people like you.

1871
01:03:11,546 --> 01:03:12,409
He sucks.

1872
01:03:12,409 --> 01:03:13,755
And him and his wife,

1873
01:03:13,755 --> 01:03:15,757
I think the worst thing
is they hate their kids.

1874
01:03:15,757 --> 01:03:16,931
Doug's wife,

1875
01:03:16,931 --> 01:03:19,899
one point was like, "We
have three kids, ah."

1876
01:03:19,899 --> 01:03:21,590
My wife goes, "Are they here?"

1877
01:03:21,590 --> 01:03:23,420
And Doug's wife
says and I quote,

1878
01:03:23,420 --> 01:03:24,593
"Fuck that, fuck no,

1879
01:03:24,593 --> 01:03:25,594
"fuck them."

1880
01:03:25,594 --> 01:03:27,251
Fuck them?

1881
01:03:27,251 --> 01:03:29,150
Take it easy, Doug's wife.

1882
01:03:29,150 --> 01:03:30,392
These are your children.

1883
01:03:31,808 --> 01:03:33,775
So fast forward to a
couple years later,

1884
01:03:33,775 --> 01:03:35,432
my wife and I were
in San Francisco.

1885
01:03:35,432 --> 01:03:37,123
Now we go every year,

1886
01:03:37,123 --> 01:03:38,573
second weekend of March,

1887
01:03:38,573 --> 01:03:39,781
and just enjoy each other.

1888
01:03:39,781 --> 01:03:41,265
I don't do any shows.

1889
01:03:41,265 --> 01:03:43,474
I don't do any work at all.

1890
01:03:43,474 --> 01:03:44,648
She doesn't do any work at all.

1891
01:03:44,648 --> 01:03:46,788
We just hang out and
we celebrate each other

1892
01:03:46,788 --> 01:03:47,789
and we love that city.

1893
01:03:47,789 --> 01:03:49,308
And we've had great times there.

1894
01:03:49,308 --> 01:03:51,931
And every year we go,

1895
01:03:51,931 --> 01:03:53,312
because my wife is a pirate.

1896
01:03:53,312 --> 01:03:55,452
She always goes, "Let's
get butt tattoos,

1897
01:03:55,452 --> 01:03:57,626
"let's get butt tattoos."

1898
01:03:57,626 --> 01:03:58,800
And I'm like, "Yeah!"

1899
01:03:58,800 --> 01:03:59,766
'Cause I'm drunk,

1900
01:03:59,766 --> 01:04:00,802
halfway there in a cab.

1901
01:04:00,802 --> 01:04:01,803
I always out bitch out.

1902
01:04:01,803 --> 01:04:02,977
I'm like, "I don't wanna."

1903
01:04:02,977 --> 01:04:03,805
And we have to turn
the cab around.

1904
01:04:03,805 --> 01:04:05,289
It's pathetic.

1905
01:04:07,602 --> 01:04:08,983
And we've had our ups and downs,

1906
01:04:08,983 --> 01:04:10,294
she and I,

1907
01:04:10,294 --> 01:04:13,021
and I felt I had to
show her commitment

1908
01:04:13,021 --> 01:04:15,023
beyond our engagement.

1909
01:04:15,023 --> 01:04:16,335
We were engaged to be
married at the time.

1910
01:04:16,335 --> 01:04:17,474
We didn't have a kid yet.

1911
01:04:17,474 --> 01:04:19,303
And so we sat down,

1912
01:04:19,303 --> 01:04:20,304
the second night we were there.

1913
01:04:20,304 --> 01:04:21,443
We ordered drinks,

1914
01:04:21,443 --> 01:04:22,893
she picks hers up.

1915
01:04:22,893 --> 01:04:24,826
I'm like, "Before you drink
that, and I drink mine,

1916
01:04:24,826 --> 01:04:27,829
"we're getting butt
tattoos tonight."

1917
01:04:27,829 --> 01:04:29,382
And she goes, "You won't,

1918
01:04:29,382 --> 01:04:30,556
"you're gonna puss out."

1919
01:04:30,556 --> 01:04:32,489
And I'm like, "Mm-mm,
we're doing it."

1920
01:04:32,489 --> 01:04:34,353
She's like, "Well,
what am I getting?"

1921
01:04:34,353 --> 01:04:38,012
Okay, you're getting
what you said to me

1922
01:04:38,012 --> 01:04:38,978
when I proposed to you,

1923
01:04:38,978 --> 01:04:39,841
when I'm on one knee,

1924
01:04:39,841 --> 01:04:40,669
do you remember?

1925
01:04:40,669 --> 01:04:41,636
She goes, "No,"

1926
01:04:41,636 --> 01:04:42,671
You said, "Shhh!"

1927
01:04:42,671 --> 01:04:43,983
she shushed me,

1928
01:04:44,881 --> 01:04:46,020
I'm on one knee.

1929
01:04:46,020 --> 01:04:47,021
Like, you're the greatest wo-

1930
01:04:47,021 --> 01:04:48,194
"Shhh!"

1931
01:04:48,194 --> 01:04:49,540
What the fuck!
This is my moment.

1932
01:04:49,540 --> 01:04:51,370
And she can't take a compliment.

1933
01:04:52,543 --> 01:04:54,338
She's like, "Well,
what are you getting?"

1934
01:04:55,857 --> 01:04:57,410
I need to volunteer to come
on this stage right now

1935
01:04:57,410 --> 01:04:59,861
and read my butt
tattoo to the room.

1936
01:05:02,691 --> 01:05:04,245
You ma'am, come on up.

1937
01:05:04,245 --> 01:05:05,211
You right there, come on up.

1938
01:05:05,211 --> 01:05:06,385
Give her a hand,

1939
01:05:06,385 --> 01:05:07,834
clear a hole, clear a hole.

1940
01:05:07,834 --> 01:05:08,663
Go right through here.

1941
01:05:08,663 --> 01:05:09,491
Keep it going.

1942
01:05:09,491 --> 01:05:10,320
Keep it going guys.

1943
01:05:10,320 --> 01:05:11,148
Keep it strong.

1944
01:05:13,323 --> 01:05:14,186
Come right here.

1945
01:05:14,186 --> 01:05:15,014
Here's the stairs.

1946
01:05:16,222 --> 01:05:17,258
Take your time.

1947
01:05:17,258 --> 01:05:18,707
Take your time.

1948
01:05:18,707 --> 01:05:19,881
All right. What is
your name, ma'am?

1949
01:05:19,881 --> 01:05:20,882
Mona.

1950
01:05:20,882 --> 01:05:22,021
Give it up for Mona everybody.

1951
01:05:24,230 --> 01:05:25,438
Thank you Mona.

1952
01:05:25,438 --> 01:05:27,889
Now I have permission to
show you my bottom, yes?

1953
01:05:27,889 --> 01:05:28,717
Cool, okay.

1954
01:05:28,717 --> 01:05:29,891
Take the mic.

1955
01:05:29,891 --> 01:05:31,548
You see, she's seen
them all, folks.

1956
01:05:32,859 --> 01:05:34,378
Way to go, Mona.

1957
01:05:34,378 --> 01:05:36,898
So just read whatever
you see on my butt, okay.

1958
01:05:36,898 --> 01:05:38,382
Okay, okay.

1959
01:05:38,382 --> 01:05:40,212
This is happening!

1960
01:05:47,426 --> 01:05:50,222
"Fucking assassin."

1961
01:05:54,916 --> 01:05:58,092
Oh my God, fucking assassin.

1962
01:05:58,092 --> 01:05:59,403
That's beautiful.

1963
01:06:00,577 --> 01:06:01,750
Thank you, Mona.

1964
01:06:01,750 --> 01:06:03,407
Thank you, guys.

1965
01:06:03,407 --> 01:06:04,236
Have a good night.

1966
01:07:06,298 --> 01:07:07,851
Thank you very much.