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- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Matt Braunger.
Amazing.
Thank you.
Wow, thanks.
Hey.
Hi.
Thank you guys.
This is great.
Before I get started,
please do not be intimidated by my celebrity, please.
Just don't, okay.
I'm gonna call out theelephant in the room, yes, yes.
Okay, we are all,
I'm sure you've talked about it.
I was in the Halloween episode of "iCarly" in 2007.
Yes, yeah.
It's really me,
it's actually me.
I walk among you, I know.
I'll let you touch me later, I'm just a man, okay.
Let's just get that right out of the way, okay.
I don't think celebrity exists anymore,
after all the crap we've been through the last two years,
I think it's dead.
It doesn't matter if someone's famous anymore,
as much.
Though, I think we all have that person
that if we saw them,
we'd be like,
"It's them!
"No look,
"no, don't look, but look,
"but don't look, but look. "
And I was very surprised
to find out my geek out celebrity was Taye Diggs.
Do you guys know who that is?
I was like,
"What, I didn't know I was on this guy's jock so much,
"That's wild."
Granted, amazing actor,
a beautiful chocolate man.
But like, I mean...
And I will admit it,
I love a hot dude.
I do love a hot dude.
I'm I'm glad they're around.
They really bring a room together.
I like to see a good look...
To me, it's like looking at a sunset or a horse.
I'm not attracted.
I'm like, "Look at him.
"I'm glad he's here.
"The party's lit."
You ever been in a party and a dude walks in.
You're like, "Who the fuck is that guy?!
"All right, there, he is.
"Nice!
"This is awesome!"
I just like to objectify, you know,
and I'm done doing it with women.
I think that is dead,
enough of that.
Women have had enough objectification.
Let's start objectifying men as straight men,
that's what I say, let's switch it.
Why not?
I like a beautiful man.
And it's fun to do it to their face.
I'm married,
I'm beyond off the market.
I will make a hot dude feel uncomfortable at a party.
Just walk right off to them like,
"All right, this is great.
"I'm digging this, yeah.
"Yeah, look at you, all right."
Just stare at a weird part like his stomach or something.
"Yeah, that's great, I love this.
"Spin around, let me see the whole package."
He's like, "I'm not gay, man."
"Neither am I, fucker,
"What's up?
"What are we doing later?"
He's like, "I don't know, who's friend is this?
"This is really weird.
"Not into this."
Objectifying dudes.
I don't think it's my fault though,
'cause I grew up in the homoeroticism
of 80s action movies.
Anybody else?
Ridiculous.
Every guy was shirtless, cut, and shiny,
everybody.
Every "Rocky" movie.
I've seen so many boxing matches,
I've never seen them whip out a bucket of baby oil,
like they did in "Rocky."
Why did Ivan Drago look like he was made of chrome?
It made no sense.
Just gleaming, so much.
Schwarzenegger, "Rambo,"
everybody was just veiny, muscular,
just steroided out.
And this was a time where I was judged
if I said any of my friends was attractive,
if they were a man.
I'd be like, "Well, Zach's good-looking."
Like, "Ooh!"
Everyone freak out,
"What, are you queer?
"You wanna marry him?"
Like, "I'm not gonna marry you, Dennis.
"You're ugly as fuck!
"If I had to marry a man, I would take Zach.
"He has gentle eyes.
"Son of a bitch."
Ridiculous times.
Jean Claude van Damme doing his crazy splits.
It was so...
All of us, guys, were like,
"Yeah, I like that.
"I like his body,
"I like the way he moves.
"Queer, what?"
Who cares?
But you know what number one was?
You're thinking and I'm thinking it,
"Road House."
Oh, "Road House."
Sweet Swayze, who just danced his way through every role.
Just dancing,
always dancing.
I loved Swayze,
I miss him every day, man.
"Road House" is the best.
Dalton, best cooler in the business.
Plus, side note,
be nice until it's not time to be nice,
that should be America's slogan, you guys.
That should be on the flag,
one of the stripes should just say that.
But back to hot dudes,
he was the hottest.
He was the hottest.
Doing kung fu in the morning, shirtless.
Right on the lake.
But kung fu in the morning, shirtless.
Sure, but wear some sweatpants,
not these,
tightest jeans ever.
Just can't kick above the waist.
It's ridiculous.
A huge rodeo belt buckle,
that doesn't make for mobility, Swayze.
What are you doing?
I love it so much.
I have a bit of an ulterior motive telling you this
because I am starting a petition, a movement.
I want to get every bouncer at every comedy club
to dress like morning Dalton.
Just all of them.
Mullet wigs, no shirt, greased,
the tightest jeans imaginable,
huge belt buckle.
And just have them surround the room,
just line the walls.
As you are filing in,
they're just standing there.
I just wanna see a couple people be like,
"Is this Thunder Down Under?
"Am I on the wrong night?
"This feels very strange.
"Is it gay night?
"I don't care, but is it?
"None of them will talk to me.
"Guys?"
Do you know why I like a hot dude?
Yeah, we're still going.
You know why?
It's 'cause I like seeing stuff
that I'm not.
And whoa, stop,
stop yelling,
enough, stop.
Okay, I'm hot enough.
Calm down.
Let's 'cause that riot I was worried about, Jesus.
I'm fine.
But I'm talking movie star hot,
that thick hair that they have.
You know what I'm talking about?
That werewolf hair
where it's like a forehead,
then there's a tree line,
this thick,
just a thick moss
you can't put your fingers through.
That's hot dude hair.
I worked with Jake Gyllenhaal in New York once.
And I say worked with,
we were on the same benefit show
that went four hours long.
And he's well put together.
He is good looking as hell.
I'm not blowing your mind here.
I wouldn't let him fuck.
He's got those creepy night crawler eyes.
I don't wanna look in the mirror .
Not for me.
But it was like me, him, and a bunch of bands.
And I had to follow him.
He did a monologue
from this beautiful, two-man play he was in,
that was running on Broadway at the time.
And I remember sitting there and going,
"Man, this guy's really talented."
And they're like, "You're next."
And I'm like, "why, why,
"why am I after that?"
What a beautiful monologue,
and now Dick Jokes Magoo, coming up.
So I was like,
let me just call this out and make fun of it.
So I just went out there after him
and was just like,
"Give it up for my twin Jake."
And they laughed so hard it hurt my feelings.
It killed so hard.
People were crying like,
"Oh my God!
"He said he's his twin.
"I think I'm gonna shit.
"We should go."
It's like, "Fuck you guys.
"I'm not a monster."
But he has that hair.
If you tried to run your fingers through it,
you get caught.
Know what it is, the barometer?
Pomade,
pomade.
It's any dude that can use pomade.
You guys know pomade?
You can put it on your head and an engine, same thing.
Like a greaser.
Elvis, or Morrisey, or Fabians do a big wave Dave.
Never,
could never, ever, ever do that.
My hair has always been thin and curly.
If I ever use pomade,
pubes right away,
just a handful of pubic hair.
"Ugh, may I have this dance?
"I'm a testicle with eyes.
"Would you...
"Why are you running, please?"
Not a good look, ladies.
Not the best.
Though, you know what?
I'm married, but if I was single,
I would do it.
I would pube up.
I would.
Obviously subliminal,
as a message,
'cause as we all know,
to say the obvious,
women love balls.
They love them.
They love testicles and scrotums,
they love them.
That's nice.
But it's weird
'cause they lust after them,
them just by themselves.
It doesn't make me feel great
to have a part of my body.
I mean every guy here has been around a bunch of drunk women
and they don't know that he's there,
they don't care.
And they're just like,
"Ugh, just wanna get some sack tonight.
"I wanna get some sweet ball bag.
"I just wanna fuck a guy and grab his nuts."
Take it, bitch.
Come on, stop.
Your magazines,
Ball-Bag Quarterly,
Heavy Hangers.
And women are like, "Are they real?"
That's how bad it is.
I thankfully was born with big round nuts.
But there's guys who get implants
because they feel lesser,
because you ladies like them big and round.
And look, I don't wanna get serious.
I didn't think I would get off on a soapbox here.
But every man in this room
was in high school at one point.
And you developed,
your balls got big.
And then all of a sudden women notice you,
and start talking to you,
and they want to hang out.
And then a girl is like, "Do you wanna go on a date?"
And you're like, "Totally."
And you think she likes you for you and,
you're making out in the car,
and she won't stop trying to touch your balls.
Like, "Stop,
"stop.
"No, I'm not ready.
"Lisa, please, stop.
"Not even over the denim, stop it.
"Lisa, stop.
"I don't know you that well,
"stop, I said no.
You just grab her by the wrist like,
"Damn it, are you my girlfriend?
"Hmm?
"Are you my girlfriend?
"No, no.
"Then don't touch my fucking balls!
"Drive me home."
Chicks are pigs, man.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to call it out.
I really took that one really far.
That was fun.
I appreciate you guys for rolling with it.
Thank you.
So dumb.
Obviously, you know what,
I'm talking about it,
I am certainly not talking about balls.
It's very fun to watch your faces going.
"What the hell does he really?
"Oh, he's talking about, okay, right.
"I get it,
"switcheroo, okay.
"Yeah."
And I love to push that one and I'll tell you why
before the pandemic, I'd done that joke five times.
It was one of those dumb ones
that I like doing, 'cause it's just stupid.
And every comic has a stupid joke.
They love to just trot out.
And that one's fun for me to do,
But I did it five times,
five times before the lockdown.
And all five times,
all five.
I never said this part,
explaining the metaphor
or why I like the joke.
I would just drop it and move on
and leave people confused.
Five times out of five,
I went to the lobby,
to take pictures of people who came
or whatnot.
Five times outta five,
a dude came up to me and was like,
"Dude, good set.
"But what's that shit about balls?
"Chicks hate nuts."
Like, you're the best man I've ever known.
I love you so much, dude.
You're such a dumb piece...
Ugh.
Never change.
I gave this guy an irrational hope,
women hate balls,
hate them.
I'll get outta the shower.
My wife would be like,
"Would you wash your balls?"
Like, "I just washed--
"just now, I washed...
"Did you just say that
"'cause you hate them?
"What is this?"
If there's a part of us, besides our egos,
Women could wish away,
it'd be balls.
I just love that
that guy was just like,
"Where is this woman? Damn it!
"Where's that woman that lusts for my nuts."
♪ Somewhere out there
♪ Beneath the pale moonlight
"Where are you?"
Okay, I've talked about big penises,
testicles, what next?
Oh, I have a daughter.
She's one.
Work on my transitions, a little bit.
Yeah, we had a baby during the pandemic
and that was the best thing we ever did.
I got nothing bad to say about that,
especially 'cause my job went away.
All the penis joke emporiums closed down.
I became a stay at home dad
and it was great,
and it is great.
But like I, oh thank you.
I will say it spoils you
because I missed the crowds,
but God damn,
if like a baby isn't the best audience ever.
Nothing you do is wrong.
They're impressed by everything.
They're just like,
"You have keys to jingle in front of my face
"and you know exactly where the Cheerios are?
"You're the tits, dad!
"A king."
It's the absolute best.
And we went to drive to Oregon, where I grew up,
to show the baby off, right on,
show the baby off to my parents.
They live in Portland.
And then, I dunno if you heard,
but Oregon caught fire at that point.
Just the whole state.
And so like, "Oh, let's stay put."
And then California got jealous and it caught fire too.
And so we lost our minds,
I think a lot of us did that during the lockdown.
And we drove 3,338 miles, I think,
to Boston, Massachusetts, from Los Angeles
with a six-week-old,
just like weird pioneers in an electric car,
going across the country.
And it was a great thing to do.
I'm proud of us.
I can't believe we made it.
I can't believe I did that.
Two weeks ago I was sitting on my porch
with my one-year-old and I remembered,
I live in a cul-de-sac that echoes.
And I went, "Jesus, fuck!"
I just screamed it.
My baby got startled.
'Cause it just hit me
"I did,
"what the, what?
"what?"
It's was nuts
But we met every kind of person.
And it was enlightening and enriching
because I met people
I would diametrically disagree with online,
but face-to-face, we got along fine
'cause we were all going through this big thing together.
I think the problem is maybe the internet.
I dunno.
I don't know.
There could be someone making money off us.
Just throwing that out there.
I dunno if that's true.
But I definitely had prejudices.
I definitely had stuff that I looked at.
I was like, "Oh, this person is that,
"and this person is that."
I'll never do that again, man.
No matter what,
'cause I had the most like assumption-shattering experience
when we're driving, going through Nebraska,
and Rose had a blowout.
And it was a blowout,
like someone put five M-80s in a towel.
It just sounded muffled,
like in the old War War II movie
where the guy's like, "Grenade!"
Lands on it.
It was like that.
It was insane how loud it was.
And I look back and she's like,
" Oh-ho-ho.
"Oh, the evil is loose."
Her face looked so relaxed and happy.
And it was my turn.
My wife's like, "Your turn."
And the stench filled the car like,
"Oh! Oh, God."
We pull over.
And I take her out and I look,
and the closest business is a place called Thunder Road,
which is a biker bar/family restaurant.
That's actually a thing.
Just motorcycles, hogs,
as far as the eye can see.
Every third guy has a leather cut,
a vest on, with his club on the back,
and his MC.
And we were going into the restaurant,
me and Rose,
and we passed the restroom like,
"Where's the restroom?"
And of course they're like,
"It's in the bar."
Of course it is.
Like, "I'm changing a baby.
"I did a stutter?
"I said the bar."
And so we went through the bar.
And there were as many kids in there
as there were in the family restaurant.
And I get into the men's room
and I make my assumption,
my first assumption,
which was, "No way they gotta changing table in here, nah.
"It's gonna be my wife's turn, no way."
Wrong.
Thunder Road woke as fuck.
Their changing table,
you could have a horse give birth sideways on that thing.
Like, "Oh my God,
"I could sleep on this in the fetal position.
"This is incredible."
Put my diaper bag here,
some snacks,
couple of beers,
a baby in the middle.
This is incredible.
I'm sure that's why it was designed that way.
And I'm changing her,
and she's cleaned up,
and I'm about to put the fresh diaper on
and a biker passes me,
who looks straight out of whatever the Norse God hell is.
Wherever the evil vikings go.
He had this giant rivulet-covered beard,
and this grease heavy...
He had that,
if Jake Gyllenhaal grew his hair out long,
that shit that looks like a helmet,
he had the tree line,
but just grease and evil,
just melded in there.
His eyes were somehow, not brown or blue,
but red,
red pupils somehow.
Not high, just eyes of fire,
and a leather cut that he looked like he was born in
and grew into.
Like it was part of his musculature.
Buck knife.
And he's walking out and he stops,
and he looks right at Rose's vagina.
Pause for laughter.
Nothing?
That usually kills.
Yeah.
Real awkward.
And I'm just sitting there and I'm like,
mentally I'm like, "Go away."
Like, "I would ordinarily never take you on,
"but I will pull this hair dryer out of the wall.
"I've done it before."
The little .
You just put your foot up, yank.
They're tiny screws.
I've done it when I was hammered as shit in Chicago.
And then hit him in the face,
sit on him,
put it through his head,
grab my baby with bloody hands,
run her out to my California-plated electric vehicle
and get chain whipped to death
by the rest of the motorcyclists.
I'm sure.
That's my brilliant plan, everybody.
So I'm sitting there, worried,
and then he goes,
"Yeah, that's a rash."
"What?"
He's like, "I don't wanna make things weird."
Like, "We're so there,
"you made it weird 50 seconds ago
"when you were staring."
He's like, "I don't wanna make it weird,
"but I got four of those and that's a rash."
I got four of those?
You mean kids?
Those things?
"Yeah, two I won in a card game,
"one I got at a garage sale.
"One me and my old lady made natural,
"and I've seen my share of a diaper rash, brother.
"That's a rash."
And then he blew my mind completely
when he unsnaps his blood-caked leather vest
and is like, "You got the cream?"
And I pull out the same tube of diaper cream and I'm like,
"Got it right here, brother."
And he's like, "Right on brother, stay strapped."
And he walks out.
Oh my God.
oh.
I still wake up in the middle of the night, to this day,
and go, "He had the cream."
And I go back to sleep,
peacefully.
Right next to his buck knife, amazing.
What's your gang?
Hell's Dads.
Who are you guys?
It's magnificent.
Oh.
I am an old dad, I'm 47.
But I don't care.
Doesn't make a difference to me.
I'm sure in Tennessee I'm a grandpa for sure.
That's fine.
I'd take my baby out,
they're like, "Oh, how old is your son
"that had that kid?
"That's your daughter?
"That's your... Jesus!"
But I don't care.
Especially 'cause I live in Los Angeles
where I am not an old dad.
I've been in the park next to a dude,
watching what I think is his great, great, great grandchild.
Dude's like 80 on his seventh marriage to a 24-year-old.
And he said, "She demanded we make one of our own.
"I can't chase it,
"I'll give you $500.
"My back."
But I spent a year with her,
just me and her,
taking care of her.
When all the comedy clubs were closed,
I had Rose and just took care of her.
So when it was time to take her to daycare,
we decided after a year she goes to daycare.
I was a wreck.
I was driving her over there with my wife
and I was like, "Well there's the day,
"Rose, you get to meet some friends
"and it's gonna be great."
My wife was like, "Are you..."
Not like, "Are you okay? Oh.
Like, "No, are you all right?
"Are you gonna have a breakdown right now
"in front of our baby?"
Like, "Nope, Nope.
"Not 'til we leave."
And we go,
and I was so dramatic.
I handed her off like one of those movies
where there's a soldier going to war,
"She'll have a better life with you."
And this tiny Latina's like, "Okay, bye-bye."
Just goes through the door.
Nothing, just took her away
And the door just shut.
And we're like,
Ah.
Went away and sobbed,
so sad.
I will say I'm lucky to be a dad
because people see you alone with a kid
and they immediately help you.
I went and flew alone with Rose
once to New York from LA.
And everyone's like, "Where's your wife?"
"Oh, it's just me and Rose."
"You guys, you're alone with her?
"Come here.
"You need to pee?
"I'll hold her.
"You okay?
"You're not drinking."
"Just coffee."
"Okay, good.
"All right, we're here.
"You need any..."
They think you're just gonna stuff the baby
underneath the seat in front of you or something.
You're totally useless.
And I'm in love with being a dad
and I have a wife
who's kind of a pirate.
I'm trying not to curse in the car anymore.
I'm trying not to car curse anymore.
I'm just,
and you're driving and you're like,
"Look at this, God damn it.
"Outta the way.
"fuck him and kill you,
"God damn it."
I get virulent and I need to stop.
I got a real anger problem.
And she's in the back, soaking it up.
Like, "This is good,
"this is good stuff."
Just sponging it all in.
And my wife is all over me.
She's like, "Stop cursing in the...
I don't want her first word to be motherfucker.
I really don't.
And she's got a great point,
but she says savage stuff around this baby
And doesn't realize it.
Once I was shirtless holding our child
when she was still breastfeeding
and she went for my nipple.
And I was like, "Whoa, whoa, nope, wrong parent.
"No milk comes out of this one."
And my wife walks up and goes,
"Just jizz."
What the fuck!
It's a baby.
I'm holding a child.
It's hilarious.
Talk about a terrible thing.
"Jizz comes out of my dad."
"We're gonna send you home."
She says stuff I would never say,
my baby wakes up in the middle of the night crying,
Kara just goes, "Ah, this bitch."
Like, "Come on.
"Stop it."
Yeah. I'm an old dad got married late,
got married in my early 40s.
But that was perfect time for my maturity level, honestly.
I don't judge.
I think people get married any age,
young or old.
Look, if you get married young,
I think men get married any age you want,
but have your bachelor party in your 40s.
Please, for the love of God,
because there's nothing sadder
than a group of 22-year-olds
that have one credit card
that is one of their dads or something,
trying to get in the strip club.
And just like, "I have one to tip,
"this is great."
You guys need to go home, play Xbox, seriously,
'Cause you got money when you're in your 40s,
if you lived right.
I went to Temecula, wine country,
mom wine country
with a bunch of dudes,
10 or 12 dudes.
And we had T-shirts that had my wife's face on them,
a glamor shot,
with the word Kara, in cursive,
like thug life,
across our stomachs.
We're walking around partying.
It was like some bachelorette parties
and they'd adopt us,
they loved us.
And then one woman got it totally wrong.
She's like, "Oh my God,
"that's so cool,
"did she die?"
"What?
"No,
"actually, yes.
"We dated her.
"All of us dated her.
"She was our lover
"and...
"she died, suddenly,
"in a horrible motorcycle accident.
"And we decided to party.
"Cheers."
I didn't even make fun of her.
I was like, "No, I'm gonna marry her."
She's like, "Oh good."
And walks away.
That was it.
I loved her confidence.
It was fantastic.
But we had a nice Airbnb.
We had like all these great wineries to go to,
every folk singer,
just out there plucking tunes
Little John Denver,
Gordon Lightfoot.
That's nice.
We started getting hammered,
balling up 100s, throwing them at him,
being like, "Learn Metallica,
"learn Bob Seger,
"learn Iron Maiden.
"Screw it, learn Drake."
Just seeing how far they'd go.
♪ Exit life
It was fantastic, man.
I love being married.
I know that's weird to hear from a male comedian.
We're always just like,
"I'm married."
Like you failed.
Like, "Oh no."
You found someone to love you,
you gross, fat, sack of trash.
That's a failure, really?
Where are you gonna be surfing the seas of pussy,
at some point,
you creep.
I don't think that was gonna happen.
I think she saved you from hell.
I think that's what happened.
And people talk about the best things about marriage
and the worst things about marriage.
That's it,
never the in between.
They talk about the worst,
which is what,
you'll fall outta love with each other,
or you're stuck with the same lover your whole life.
Oh no.
Or the best,
which is you have someone
who loves you for the things you hate about yourself,
that's amazing.
And you have a best friend that you fuck, that's cool.
That's a good thing.
But we don't talk about
the awesome little things in between.
You have someone to mess with
the rest of your life.
And to get rid of you,
they have to involve the law.
You're trapped.
And I'm not saying do it all the time.
Don't be abusive or shitty.
But every once in a while,
do a little raz.
Here's a free one.
Did you guys know that if you're in public
and you're holding hands with someone
and you say some complete insanity,
they're a part of that insanity now?
They're on Team Insane.
People look at them,
they're like,
"You have sex with this man?
"You're with him?
"This is you together? Really?
"Wow."
I was holding hands with my wife,
walking into an LL Bean in Maine.
Literally the nicest store you've ever even seen
or heard of and is lovely, elderly female clerk comes up
and is like,
"Can I help you find something?"
And I was holding my wife's hand,
I go, "Yes, where are your lovers' sex kayaks?
"So you face each other and your chakras mix.
"And every time you hit the rapids,
"they explode in orgasm
"and you can hold it up to two hours.
"We're looking for a third,
"come back."
My wife's like, "Let go of my fucking hand.
"I hate you so much.
"God damn it!"
If you got the right person,
they'll make you love stuff you never loved.
Like I used to hate Las Vegas
as I used to play there a lot.
And I play for like crap money.
And I'd eat in the cafeteria.
Oh, casino cafeterias,
where the workers eat.
It's like the Irish level in the Titanic,
but not fun.
It's real bad.
And my wife loves Vegas
because she basically pointed out.
She's like, "Look, we're doing better now,
"we can spend money on things.
"You're getting better gigs."
The thing I love about Vegas is everyone goes,
you see every kind of person from all over the world,
all hanging out,
being idiot adults.
Like looking across the room,
being like "You being a shit bird?"
I am being a shit bird, are you?
High five, here we are.
Just for two days,
then it's back to the kids.
All right, wink.
There's something for everyone in that town.
You learn stuff about yourself.
I learned, I like watching young people get wasted.
Not like a creep, not like,
"That one's almost ready.
"Start the van."
Not like that.
"Get the zip ties.
"He's about to pass out."
Not like that.
No, just like,
I feel like a retired professional athlete.
When I was younger, I used to get blown out.
I had a Herculean tolerance
and I used it and abused it.
I still drink,
I still get it on,
but not like I used to 'cause I'm old now.
But I like watching someone
with a metabolism of a jungle cat go nuts.
It's fun.
I saw a dude in Vegas,
true story,
tell a story to his friends,
vomit, suddenly,
without his knowledge,
on himself,
in the middle of said story,
and laugh it off.
Oh, it was amazing.
He just like, "Man, last night was crazy.
"Woke up in this weird chick's hotel room.
"I don't even know what hotel it was.
"I was missing my shoes.
" Where were you guys?
"'cause I...
" Look what happened to me?"
Look what happened to me.
As if someone else barfed on this guy.
It was amazing.
If I threw up on myself, suddenly,
because of alcohol,
I would weep, change my shirt,
and go to AA.
I would walk right into an AA meeting.
It's time for a change.
Not not this guy.
This guy just went,
"Holy shit, should I get another shirt?"
The whole casino goes, "Yeah man.
"Jesus, there's no other option."
The people watching on that level in Vegas is insane.
My wife and I were inside an air-conditioned bar
that had a glass wall
overlooking one of those daytime party pools
with Pitbull music blaring everywhere
and foam.
Everyone's out there.
Just .
I think it's called rehab, or something,
or detox,
ironically.
So everyone's getting faded.
And that day it was 115 degrees.
It was a record heat wave that weekend.
And I'm watching people almost just break down.
All the women are laying under
whatever shaded surfaces there are
'cause they're the more evolved of the species,
let's be honest.
But the guys are just walking in the heat of God's wrath.
Like, "This ain't shit.
"I'm fine."
And hitting on women.
Eventually the women start going,
" I'm, this is, I'm done.
"This is awful.
"I'm going inside.
"I'm gonna catch fire.
"This sucks.
"I'm so sweaty, I hate it."
And they go in,
but the guys who are still out there
with their flame tattoos
and their Affliction tank tops,
still hitting on women.
Oh they were so fun to watch
because they were all yolked and muscular
and butch and manly.
But they kept being, almost pulled to the ground
by science and heat.
It was like watching the movie "Terminator 2,"
when the T-1,000's coming at the guy
and his machine gun at him
and he's just breaking up,
but still won't stop.
Joints, giving out,
still getting up again and again.
I saw this bro,
just go up this woman's like,
"Hey, couldn't help but notice you.
"Listen, my name's Chad."
"And I think you're hot.
"I think I'd like to be a little forward.
"Think maybe you want to get a drink?"
"No.
"So what do you say?"
Everyone in the bar's like, "Stay down.
"You're gonna die.
"Get him some water."
So my wife and I are like,
"Enough, I don't wanna watch someone pass out.
"Let's go get changed.
"Let's get into our evening finery."
And that's the best thing about Vegas,
is you have your daytime outfit,
get day drunk.
Then you can take a shower,
and put on your finery, still day drunk,
and get night drunk.
It's fun.
So my wife and I,
we go up to the room,
and we have efficient marital sex.
Not to brag,
not to brag,
but yeah, it happens.
It happens.
To me.
Anyone who's married knows how it is.
People knock it,
but it is good and it's reliable.
You know what each other wants,
you know how long it should last.
You get the job done.
It's like,
"What do we got?
"We got some time.
"Do you wanna?
"Oh,
"yeah. okay.
"All right. Cool, come here.
"Okay, cool.
"That was awesome.
"Good game, high five.
"That was great.
"Like that little thing you did
"where he punched me in the back.
"I didn't see that coming.
"Well, you knocked it out.
"Good job.
"I'm gonna get in the shower.
"Leave the water on or...
"Yeah. Okay."
I used to work in bars,
I work in bars for six years
and lived in Chicago.
Great town, right on,
great town.
Full of wild pirates, like yourself, ma'am.
Respect, concrete respect to you.
It was great.
I started as a bar back,
which it is a special kind of hell.
I will say something,
not to get political on you,
but I think my strongest political belief
is I just don't trust anyone
who's never worked a job
where they thought about killing themselves at least once.
At least once.
Once.
You're just like, "This could all end
"and I can end it right now.
"I'm not even clinically depressed right now.
"But what if,
"what if I just killed myself?"
That thing where you're like,
"God damn it, I got five hours left in this shift.
"Or...
"Swallow 25 Asprin, I don't know.
"Whatever it take."
When you're bar backing,
all you're doing is washing glasses
and putting them away.
Just stack them,
put them away.
And there's two or three bartenders
that are slammed,
and you're not allowed to make drinks.
And there's beers and ice,
in front of you, and taps,
and liquor bottles behind you.
And people are just like,
"Just get me a drink.
"Just pour some whiskey in a cup.
"It's right there.
"There's a beer, right there.
"God damn it."
You're like, "I can't,
"please stop yelling at me.
"I'm not allowed.
"I'll be fired.
"Please, sir."
"What are you, a stupid monkey?"
You're just like, "God damn it."
I remember looking down at a stirring fork
and being like,
"All it would take is just,
"just two, right there.
"Just right there,
"and just bleed out in front of this dickhead,
"looking at him.
"Sitting on the stool and be like,
"you did this."
You just break all his drinks in half with my face,
and slide down the bar,
"Clean this up."
And just die right there,
staring at him, still dying.
Shitting, all behind the bar.
You're cleaning this up, sir.
You are.
I don't know what you said.
It crosses the mind.
Absolutely.
But I think those jobs hone you
and make you into the person you're supposed to be.
If you've never worked a crap job,
that's bad 'cause you're not your truest self.
I think it's like MMA or something.
It's makes you tough in your own way
and find the real you.
I was always a funny person growing up
I was always class clown and stuff,
but I would get accidentally hilarious
when I was a bartender,
when I was slammed.
And stuff would just come outta me,
that would kill.
And I'd be like, "I was just being serious."
"What, that was funny?"
Like I remember being so busy -- "in the weeds" as we call it
in the industry,
the folks here know.
I lost my sight.
I don't know if it was sweat in my eyes.
I don't know if I was dehydrated,
but my eyesight went blurry
and all I saw were colors and shapes,
that's it.
And I'm just pushing drinks out
and hoping I'm making the right change,
and feeling credit cards like braille,
to see who it is.
It was awful.
And then some dick, somewhere in front of me goes,
"Fuck am I invisible?"
And I said, sincerely, "Who said that?"
And the whole bar cracked up.
And I'm like, "Yeah, throw him out."
And they did.
That guy's like, "Hey!"
Threw him out the door.
"I am Caligula."
People would get away with crazy stuff in Chicago.
There was a bar called Coconut Joe's,
a beach bar,
nowhere near a beach.
And there was a thatched roof,
and Tiki drinks and all that stuff.
And they had this amazing fun,
and super safe thing they'd do
where they'd just take a bottle of 151
and pour it all over the bar.
Splashing, not in just a nice line,
just everywhere.
Light a match,
just light the whole bar on fire.
And you're like, "Oh yay, arson."
What a good time.
And they'd never warn you.
That's how piratey it was.
And one night,
there's a dude laying back against the bar,
like this,
in a tank top.
And he had the most back, shoulder, and arm hair
I've ever seen in my life.
Thick, like a wookiee or a mammoth.
So much hair.
Like that thickness
where if you took a baseball
and set it on it,
it wouldn't sink.
It would just lay on the green, right there.
And he is just laying there,
and sure enough,
this dude's pouring the rum.
And I'm like, "Huh."
Like I see it about to happen,
but my throat seized up
'cause I was so afraid.
Whole thing went on fire.
And so did this dude.
Whole back and shoulders just,
And we threw a jacket on him.
Thank God, Chicago's always cold.
There's always a pile of jackets.
We grabbed two jackets and just covered him.
Put him out.
And I learned something horrible about myself,
which is if I see someone catch fire,
the first thing I do or say is not,
"Oh no, let's help him.
"We should put him out,
"That guy's on fire."
The first reaction that comes out of me instinctively is
" Wow.
"Oh no.
"Oh, is he alright?"
I didn't know back hair caught that fast.
What are you pouring,
VO5 Sassoon all over yourself there, sir.
Chicago's great, but it's also just wrong.
Bars are open till 5:00 AM.
5:00?
That's a crime against God.
Even as a 24-year-old.
I'm like, "We made it.
"I don't wanna be here.
"I'm tired."
And you sit there and you drink, 'til 5:00.
And if you know the bartender,
it's almost worse
because he or she'll be like, "Last call.
"Not you, you stay.
"You're cool."
And then you stick around,
and they lock the door
when everyone's gone
and you drink some more.
And there's no better way
to feel like an absolute pile of trash,
than by walking out of a dark, windowless bar,
cartoon sailor drunk
into a bright, sunshine, fully-grown day.
Like a zombie like, "Oh no.
"Is it sun time already?
"Is that a term?
"Oh, how is everyone?
"You're jogging.
"Welcome.
"Okay, what a lovely dog and baby.
"Is this the line for brunch?"
Go to bed, sir.
My God.
You're sweating booze.
I feel like such a pile of shit.
But I love the stuff I've seen in bars.
I think women need to start acting up in bars
the way men have for millennia
And you might not know what I mean.
A lady, you like raise your fist like right on, brother.
But you might think I mean being loud
or hitting on men,
no, there's a power you might not know you have,
which is you can take men's drinks away from them
and drink them yourself
because no one will believe the man that
that was his drink first.
I know that because I was in DC
and a woman took my whole beer,
took my whole beer away.
I was sitting there,
this place called the Big Hunt,
which is underneath a bar,
it's a comedy club.
And I'm up there with my notepad,
putting my little set together
for what I'm gonna say tonight to the people
and I got a full beer.
I haven't touched it yet.
And this 22-year-old woman in a cotton sundress,
just swoops in and picks it up
and just stares at me.
And I turn around,
I'm like, "Who's with this girl?"
And there's three bikers behind me.
And they're like, "Mm-mm, I want no part of this.
"I don't know who that is."
She's on her own.
And she's just staring at me like,
"Really, what the are you gonna do?"
"If I say this is my beer,
"you know, this is my beer.
"Come on."
Just took it staring.
'Cause I realize I'm doing the math.
If I snatch it, I look insane.
Like I just stole some girl's beer.
Like, "Mine,"
Like a fucking psycho Viking or something.
What, do I grab her?
No, I'll go to jail.
And she knows this.
She's just daring me.
And my manhood is just gone.
Like if it was a guy,
I'd be like, "Hey, fucker,
"that's mine!"
"The hell."
Or whatever butch thing I'm supposed to do there.
But because it was a woman,
all that came outta me was,
"Hey, that's mine."
That's all that came outta my face.
So pathetic,
"Give it.
"Mom!"
So lame.
And she stared me in the face and just drank it,
looking at me like a bigger guy in prison,
just eating my food in front of me.
I've never felt smaller.
And then she sat on me.
Not in a sexy way,
but just like, "You're a stool, fuck off."
Just sat.
And I'm like, get off me.
I pushed her.
I took a little of my power back
and she just looks at me and just goes, "Ah!"
Like I'm no fun.
And then she went down the bar
and drank three more dudes beers
and it was worth losing mine
to watch them lose theirs.
Straight up and down, man.
If I would've gone in that bar and they're like,
"All right, here's the deal,
"you're gonna buy a beer,
"you don't get to drink it,
"she does."
I'd be like, "I'm gonna leave."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Get to watch her steal three other guys beers
"for that fee."
I'd be like, "I will buy this chick a keg.
"That sounds fantastic.
"Where do I sit?
"Why stop at three?
"Have her steal 12 beers,
"let's go."
The guy next to me,
first guy she took of the three,
way more evolved than me.
Like he knew the situation,
he did the math better than I did.
She grabbed it,
he's like, "Hey, what the fuck!"
"shit, another beer."
He just knew,
that's gone.
There's no winning this situation.
It's over.
It's amazing.
And she just drank it next to him.
And he just looked away.
And she put the empty glass down
and went to the next guy.
The next guy was my favorite
because he had been hitting
on anything with a pulse all night.
One of those guys who's like,
hit on 100 women,
99 say no,
but that one.
Yeah, but you've annoyed 99 women,
and the whole bar.
Just jack off in your car before you come in, sir,
get the poison outta you,
be a human being.
It's exhausting to be around you.
I can't imagine what it's like for women
And she comes up.
There were people in between us,
so I didn't even see it.
So I'll just do the audio book version.
Here it is.
"Oh, hi .
"That's mine.
"Whoa.
"Wow.
"Thirsty. Huh?
"My kind of gal.
"I'm gonna get you another one.
"Hey, where are you going?
"What the fuck, man?"
That what the fuck, man, he said to himself
was so good.
His self hatred just spilled out of him.
Like an ooze,
like a poison.
"The fuck, man.
"Why does no one like me?"
Because you're obnoxious bro.
The last guy was kind of sad.
He was an old rummy, named Dennis,
he looked like the Gordon's fisherman.
And I knew he was a rummy
because the bartender put it down and went,
"Last one, Dennis."
That's a bad sign.
If the bartender knows your name and says, last one,
rethink your life choices, Dennis.
So bartender's like, "Last one, Dennis."
And Dennis looks at his beer,
looks outside,
ready to drink it,
distracted by something.
She swoops in,
drinks his whole beer,
puts an empty, pristine glass down
and flies away on the wind.
And he just looks back and goes, "Hey!"
To this day,
he probably tells everyone he meets in that bar
that a ghost took his beer.
"It was a night just like tonight,
"a ghost and a cotton sundress swept in
"and took my beer."
Dennis, you're an alcoholic.
You drank it and forgot.
Shut up, dude.
I really love Nashville.
Not to quote the Bible,
but I'm not just licking your dicks and clits,
I mean it.
That's book of Matthew,
that guy was a freak.
But I like,
this town is very gay.
I really dig that.
Got a lot of cool gay spaces,
big gay, populous in town.
And I see a few fellow allies.
And that's cool.
And I feel like I've always had every kind of friend,
different colors,
different creeds.
I don't know what a creed is,
but we had all kinds,
people that have different sexual proclivities.
I pride of myself,
not judging and having all kinds of people in my life,
gay friends,
non-binary friends,
and that's cool,
but,
I just have seen this too often
that I feel like I have to make a PSA to my fellow allies.
Please stop asking what a gay couple does in the sack
to their face, please.
I know you probably think,
"When does that happen?"
I've seen it.
And it's always a dude who looks similar to me
and he's faded.
And he means well,
but he just walks up to a gay couple
and he is like,
"Hey, sorry to bother you,
"but this is awesome.
"You guys rock.
"Fully support you.
"It's great.
"But listen,
"can I ask you guys?
"Just curious.
"Who's the one that,
"which one?
"Just curious, who's the."
No, just let it be a magical mystery.
You know what I mean?
Or watch a movie.
There's plenty of them.
My point is,
why is it never the other way?
I've never had a gay guy just walk up and be like,
"How do you fuck your wife?
"What do you do?
"What do you guys?
"How's it work?
"Who does what?
"Who does what to who?
"Who's the thing that's this and the thing that's this?
"what exactly happens?
"Play-by-play it for me.
"You wanna drink?
"Sorry to bother you.
"I support you as a straight man."
Never.
And people think gay sex is disgusting, some people.
Nope, it's not.
All sex is disgusting, all of it.
There's no exception.
It's awful looking.
Have you ever had a moment of actual clarity
while having sex?
And you're like, "The fuck am I doing right now?
"I look terrible.
"Why is there a mirror on that closet door.
"No, ugh.
"When did I grow a mole there?"
It's so gross, that's why it's great.
It feels so good.
You just do this awful thing, you know?
and like straight guys are gross out by gay sex.
and that's why they ask.
And gay persons never asked me
how I have straight sex.
And ironically, if they ever did,
they might be disturbed.
My wife has done horrible things to me, ma'am.
Brutal things.
Look, she just did a normal thing
that everyone in this room has probably done
and I've done at some point.
just did it early.
It was like our second or third time doing it.
We were cartoon sailor hammered
and going at it.
That's fun.
Drunk sex,
you can barely feel.
It's more emotion than physicality,
that's neat.
But she did a thing we've all done,
which is you think this is going great.
I feel good,
they feel good.
Maybe they like a finger in the bum.
Maybe just a touch,
just check in.
But you gotta finesse it.
Gotta go, "Hey,
♪ Just checking in.
♪ Is this something you might like ♪
♪ Maybe you'd like a finger in your butt hole ♪
Play that one-holed flute.
See if they wanna dance that tune.
They might be like, "I like this jam."
They might.
You gotta knock, knock, knock on heaven's door.
That's my point.
That's what that song's about.
Take it from me.
I'm friends with Bob Dylan.
My point is you can't just, AHH!
Like a maniac savage.
You can't,
you can't,
unless you're my wife.
Holy crap, you guys.
She splunked me.
She went in.
She just hard,
put her shoulder into it.
Oh, like hot dog size veins came outta my neck.
I never knew I had.
Mm.
It was bad, man.
How can I punch in exactly how she did this?
How can I describe it?
I need to go deeper.
Look,
how do I drive this home?
Okay, boxing, that's it.
You guys all know rudimentary boxing technique.
I'm assuming,
'cause you're also like me from the streets.
You got your jab,
you got your cross,
you got your hook.
But you're upper cut,
that's a fight finisher.
'Cause it's not just your shoulders and your middle,
it's your ham.
So you wanna drop,
use your legs.
Drop under the defenses,
hook them like this,
explode upward like a thrust.
And send your fist through their jaw,
which goes through their brain.
Knock out!
Now, imagine instead of a fist,
it's my wife's finger,
held high and defiant like a railroad spike of rage.
And instead of a jaw, it's my asshole, Nashville.
She got in and under,
lifted me up Clubber Lang-ed me,
lifted me off the bed,
blood came outta my mouth,
eyeball left the socket.
"I don't like it."
And now we know.
That is not my jam,
literally.
Look.
Okay, it wasn't even that bad.
If I'm honest, I'm just a bitch.
It's true.
It just felt that way to me at the time,
she probably barely put half a nail in there
and I'm like, "No!"
Jumped off the bed,
wrapped myself in 10 blankets,
sat there.
"Why would you hurt me?"
You guys do drugs?
Resounding positive, yeah.
All right. Let's do a quick survey.
Just call out the drug you enjoy.
Go ahead.
Pot,
molly.
[Audience Member I] Ketamine!
Ketamine nice.
That's a strong ketamine.
You don't take enough, I think sir.
I love doing that.
I do it for me
because I read a book once by a defense Attorney
That was like,
"The truth just sounds different in court."
In my job, I read people.
I read crowds
and feel out the kind of material I'm gonna do.
I love doing the drug survey
'cause I can tell all of you enjoy
and do those drugs actively.
Everyone who called them out.
I can tell.
Even the guy who's way too agro, "Weed!"
Maybe too much sativa,
switch, little indica mixed in.
It's just an idea.
And I love it.
'Cause I've had people fake it.
Like guys like, "Heroin."
Not a chance in hell.
You wouldn't have that much energy
and you wouldn't be here.
No one shoots up and is like,
"I love to drool, and laugh, and piss."
Heroin's not a comedy drug ever.
But some people,
man, do they do the drugs.
God, where was I?
I was in Arizona,
and I was like,
"Hey guys, what's your favorite dr-?"
I didn't even ask what drug do you do?
I got partway through the word drug
in what's your favorite drug?
"What's your favorite dr-?
And this guy goes, "Cocaine."
Before I finish the word drug.
Just pulled his gun out,
shot it outta the air,
spun it back in the holster.
But I was playing upstate New York,
was playing a club and the booker,
the buyer,
or the owner were like,
"Hey, would you mind doing a matinee show?"
And I'm like, "Yeah."
I don't like doing three shows in the night.
Like that third show,
you're like, "Did I do this joke already?
"Where am I?
"What's my name?"
Three separate hours,
you tend to lose track.
He's like, "Well, it's like a favor.
"We have a massive senior citizen community
"and they just want to come to a show
"and they don't wanna be up late."
I'm like, "Oh yeah, let's do it.
"Let's see who comes."
Packed house.
Packed house of people,
75 and older.
Yeah, it was actually awesome.
They were fun,
they rolled with everything,
it's great.
So I was looking out of this audience of old folks,
and I was like, "Should I do the drug survey?"
Everything in me screamed, no.
And I'm like, "Nope, screw that.
"Do it.
"You guys do drugs?"
Silence, icy silence,
like a tumbleweed rolling in,
floating on the wind.
Not even on the ground.
And I was like,
"What's your favorite drug?
"Call it out."
Nothing.
A silence beyond silence.
And I go, "Guys, it doesn't matter what drug,
"whatever you're into.
"It doesn't have to be a cool drug or an illegal drug.
"Caffeine's a drug,
"alcohol's a drug.
"Tylenol's a drug,
"whatever you like."
And this brave man saved my ass
by going, "Benadryl?"
Fuck yeah, Benadryl.
That's a great drug, sir.
A pill that makes you not itch.
Amazing.
If I'm on tour with Phish,
I want Benadryl.
I don't want weed.
I want to not itch from all this rashes I'm getting.
I'm sleeping in this tent.
Good call.
I'm like, "Anyone else."
And this lady with a beehive,
her hand comes up like this,
just shaking.
And I'm like, "You don't have to raise your hand.
"What is your name, ma'am?"
she goes, "Doris."
And I go, "Doris, what's your drug?"
And she goes, "NyQuil."
And I go, "Okay, Doris,
"let me ask you something.
"You ever fill it up past the line."
And she goes, "Mm-hm."
Now we're partying, Doris.
Now we're partying.
Doris likes a full cup, man.
You guys are awesome.
I'm gonna do one more bit for you.
You guys rock,
I was gonna say that.
Thank you.
Very cool.
I think every guy has to have good examples growing up,
to learn what it is to be a good man.
But I think we also need a few terrible examples.
We need to meet guys we're just like,
"I can never be you.
"Man, do you suck."
We have to have those guys floating around
and I was on vacation with my wife in Anguilla,
it's a beautiful island in the Caribbean.
And I met the worst guy I've ever met.
And his name was Doug.
And that sucked because every other Doug I've ever met
is super chill.
Sells you eat at a discount,
smokes a little with you,
teaches you about life, unrattled.
Doug, is anyone coming to my party?
"Cool, man, I'm here."
They'll show up.
"It's me, Doug."
Dougs are awesome.
But this Doug sucked.
And the first night,
all the new people that had just come to resort,
they're like, "Would you like to go on a sunset cruise?"
And I'm like, "That sounds delightful."
Turns out it's just a giant speedboat with seats.
And they gave us a jug of rum runners.
And it was the kind of alcoholic level, rum runner,
where you have two sips and you're just like,
"Why do we worry about anything?
"I feel great.
"Why worry, man,
"life is awesome.
"It's awesome."
Reveals how hammered you are.
And then they just hit the throttle
and you're just hitting every wave.
Like just splashing your drink all over yourself.
Just like, "This is the best sunset cruise
"I've ever been on in my life."
Just drink all over your face and chest.
And we drove out past the breakers and settled,
and then we started meeting each other.
We're all comfortably drunk.
And like, "What do you do for a living?
"Oh, that's cool.
"And where are you from?"
And we're from all other places around the world.
And then Doug starts walking around
and alphaing everybody on the boat, men and women.
Doug was deep into his 50s.
He'd already been drinking before he got on the speed boat,
so he is hammered.
And he's just going up to everyone going,
"So what do you do for a living?"
And no matter what they say,
he'd be like, "Huh, all right, whatever."
Like it's not a real job.
But not in a funny way.
He condescend it to all of us.
And I'm just like,
"Oh, Doug don't come to me."
I don't even understand what I do for a living.
Like I don't even get it.
So he was like, "What about you bro?"
Bro, he's 56.
Calm down, let bro go, man.
He's like, "What about you bro?"
I'm like, "Oh, I'm actually a comedian, Doug."
And he's like, "Good luck with that."
Which is how I feel every night on this stage.
Moment to moment.
Here we go.
Hope they like this joke.
Good luck with that, out of the plane.
No parachute.
That's my job, Doug.
You nailed it.
And then we're all like,
Doug walks away with
my wife and I look at each other like,
"Fuck this guy."
Then the guy at the other end of the boat recognizes me.
He goes, "Hey, wait a minute.
"Hey man, are you Matt Braunger?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, that's me."
And he's like,
"Oh dude, my wife and I loved your last special.
"You're awesome, man."
I'm like, "Thanks, dude, sincerely."
And Doug's head just snaps.
He looks at me 'cause now I have value.
And he's like, "I knew I knew this guy.
"I knew..."
He never knew me,
never once.
He's like, "This guy's a fucking assassin,
"fucking assassin.
"I knew it, you're a fucking assassin, bro."
And he goes to high five me and misses.
'Cause he sees like six of me,
Doug and his wife were terrible, man.
We hated them.
At one point Doug got a Caribbean man
who worked there,
working a job to loan him his durag.
Doug put it on,
started doing hip hop poses.
Did you hear every white person's butt hole just pucker?
Did you hear that?
Like, "We can't afford you, man.
"We gotta throw you off this boat, Doug.
"Cement shoe this motherfucker."
We're done no more white people like you.
He sucks.
And him and his wife,
I think the worst thing is they hate their kids.
Doug's wife,
one point was like, "We have three kids, ah."
My wife goes, "Are they here?"
And Doug's wife says and I quote,
"Fuck that, fuck no,
"fuck them."
Fuck them?
Take it easy, Doug's wife.
These are your children.
So fast forward to a couple years later,
my wife and I were in San Francisco.
Now we go every year,
second weekend of March,
and just enjoy each other.
I don't do any shows.
I don't do any work at all.
She doesn't do any work at all.
We just hang out and we celebrate each other
and we love that city.
And we've had great times there.
And every year we go,
because my wife is a pirate.
She always goes, "Let's get butt tattoos,
"let's get butt tattoos."
And I'm like, "Yeah!"
'Cause I'm drunk,
halfway there in a cab.
I always out bitch out.
I'm like, "I don't wanna."
And we have to turn the cab around.
It's pathetic.
And we've had our ups and downs,
she and I,
and I felt I had to show her commitment
beyond our engagement.
We were engaged to be married at the time.
We didn't have a kid yet.
And so we sat down,
the second night we were there.
We ordered drinks,
she picks hers up.
I'm like, "Before you drink that, and I drink mine,
"we're getting butt tattoos tonight."
And she goes, "You won't,
"you're gonna puss out."
And I'm like, "Mm-mm, we're doing it."
She's like, "Well, what am I getting?"
Okay, you're getting what you said to me
when I proposed to you,
when I'm on one knee,
do you remember?
She goes, "No,"
You said, "Shhh!"
she shushed me,
I'm on one knee.
Like, you're the greatest wo-
"Shhh!"
What the fuck! This is my moment.
And she can't take a compliment.
She's like, "Well, what are you getting?"
I need to volunteer to come on this stage right now
and read my butt tattoo to the room.
You ma'am, come on up.
You right there, come on up.
Give her a hand,
clear a hole, clear a hole.
Go right through here.
Keep it going.
Keep it going guys.
Keep it strong.
Come right here.
Here's the stairs.
Take your time.
All right. What is your name, ma'am?
Mona.
Give it up for Mona everybody.
Thank you Mona.
Now I have permission to show you my bottom, yes?
Cool, okay.
Take the mic.
You see, she's seen them all, folks.
Way to go, Mona.
So just read whatever you see on my butt, okay.
Okay, okay.
This is happening!
"Fucking assassin."
Oh my God, fucking assassin.
That's beautiful.
Thank you, Mona.
Thank you, guys.
Have a good night.
Thank you very much.