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        "O Come All Ye Faithful"    
               playing              

4
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      [low background chatter]      

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           [music livens]           

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       [rolling piano chords]       

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     [loud cheers and applause]     

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       [tinkling piano notes]       

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12
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            It's been months        
        now I'm finally ready       

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       To get back in the game     

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               To connect           
           in a dark corner         

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      And then forget your name    

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            I see my breath         
         in the air before me       

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         But that's not 'cause      
              it's cold             

18
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            Your body moves         
         and it tells a story       

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           That's been dying        
              to be told            

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       In the dark of the night    

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         I feel like I've been      
           locked up tight          

22
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            For centuries          

23
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            That's history         

24
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          Want you to make me       
              come alive            

25
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       - Also, it's Christmas      
       -[cheers and applause]       

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        Did I mention that it's     
       Christmas in this club?      

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         Also, it's Christmas      

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          Tonight is the night      
         we celebrate his son       

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            It's Christmas,         
           yeah, yeah, yeah         

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              Christmas            

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            It's Christmas         

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         Everyone, tonight,         
          it is Christmas.          

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         [audience whooping]        

34
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               I walk up            
          to a gay stranger         

35
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      I whisper right in his ear  

36
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           Some small talk         

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                  Say,              
       "It's been a warm winter     

38
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       But it's warmer in here"    

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            With your hands,        
            with your eyes          

40
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            You speak to me         
          without your voice        

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        Intoxicate, alleviate      

42
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           I want to feel you       
             from inside            

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       - Also, it's Christmas      
       -[cheers and applause]       

44
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          It is December 25th,      
            that is today           

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         Also, it's Christmas      

46
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            Now every year         

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             They will play         
         this song seasonally       

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             On Christmas,          
           yeah, yeah, yeah         

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              Christmas            

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                 Oh!               

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             Late at night          
        we can take advantage       

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          Of this situation        

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           We're both here         

54
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              Let's let go          
         of whatever we fear        

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             Let's have sex         
        is what I'm getting at      

56
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                But shh,            
       do you hear that sound?      

57
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         The sound of children      
            opening gifts?          

58
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                 Oh!               

59
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         Also, it's Christmas      

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       Do you still want to fuck    
           or is it weird?          

61
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         Also, it's Christmas      

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         I forgot to mention       

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             That my sister         
        and her kids are here       

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            For Christmas          

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           Yeah, yeah, yeah,        
              Christmas             

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             Christmah-ah          

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                Ah-ahs             

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           Merry Christmas         

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        [cheers and applause]       

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                 Hi.                

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       My name is Matt Rogers,      
          and I am thrilled         

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      to be releasing an album      
            on Christmas.           

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          Team Matt Rogers.         

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      As you've been made aware     
       over an all-caps email       

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        that I sent you all,        
       we're gonna be pivoting      

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       from comedy and acting       
        to recording artist.        

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      I think we can all agree      
    that's gonna be a lot easier.   

78
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         And my question is         
    what do recording artists do?   

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              -Movies.              
                -No.                

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               -Pilot?              
                -No.                

81
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   They release Christmas albums.   

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                 Mm.                

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        That is how you stay        
          annually relevant         

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           and make money           
         every single year.         

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    Money is a really good point.   

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      I think we can all agree,     
               money.               

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         So massive rebrand.        

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       I want to be synonymous      
         with the color red,        

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        the festivity scenes        
      that you see in the mall      

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00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:52,101
   or in front of people's houses, 
            Santa Claus--           

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              You know,             
       I believe some nations       

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    will call him Papa Christmas.   

93
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       We should find that out      
         for international.         

94
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,649
             Snow. Huge.            

95
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         Yeah, so I love it.        
       I think our one concern      

96
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      was just that you're not      
             a pop star,            

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    which would make it difficult   
       to just sort of put out      

98
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         a Christmas album.         
       But I do love and think      

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      -that it otherwise works.     
          -[snaps fingers]          

100
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     Way ahead of you as always.    

101
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            When we think           
       of Christmas and money,      

102
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        where are we headed?        
       What's our North Pole?       

103
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    North star, I think you mean    
              actually.             

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      Mariah. She is Christmas.     

105
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        She is the authority        
          on this holiday.          

106
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     So we need her to come out,    

107
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              crown me              
      the prince of Christmas--     

108
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             Easy. Done.            
   The whole special makes sense.   

109
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          So are you saying         
         you want us to book        

110
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    Mariah Carey for the special?   

111
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                Yes.                

112
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     Excited to brainstorm ways     
         to make this work.         

113
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          [knocks on table]         

114
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        Who thinks they know        
      the story of Santa Claus?     

115
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         Well, think again.         

116
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              Every year           

117
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               The story            
          is always the same        

118
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      There's too many presents    

119
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         To fit in the big bag      
            on the sleigh           

120
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                Shoot              

121
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            And every year         

122
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              Santa knows           
           just what to say         

123
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                When all            
          of the elves claim        

124
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,313
       The bag's way too tight     

125
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:23,818
       And maybe we shouldn't do    
             this tonight           

126
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:27,780
           Santa gets crafty        
          'cause Santa knows        

127
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       He goes to his tool shed    

128
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:35,329
       He goes to get the lube     

129
00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:39,792
            For the sleigh         

130
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:45,339
         Nobody asks why Santa      
           has so much lube         

131
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         Lube for the sleigh       

132
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               The lube            

133
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:55,016
            For the sleigh         

134
00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:58,769
         Break out the gun oil      
            and fire away           

135
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:01,731
      Cover the presents in lube  

136
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         Lube for the sleigh       

137
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           -[music livens]          
          -It's about to be         

138
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         a disco Christmas,         
           motherfuckers.           

139
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           Are you ready?           

140
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              This year            

141
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           The kids have been       
              extra good            

142
00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:18,539
       There's so many presents    

143
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:21,792
          So there's gonna be       
             so much lube           

144
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:27,131
        Elves break their backs     
       making presents all year     

145
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:30,134
           But this Christmas       
       they don't have to fear      

146
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:34,055
         Because there's lube      

147
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:37,683
            For the sleigh         

148
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,560
        It sort of makes sense     

149
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,103
             But it's weird         
            to think about          

150
00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:43,105
          Because Santa's old,      
                right?              

151
00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:44,941
             He needs lube          
            for his sleigh          

152
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:48,110
               The lube            

153
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:52,073
      For the sle-eigh-eigh-eigh  

154
00:08:52,114 --> 00:08:55,826
         Santa saves Christmas      
       then dicks down his wife     

155
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:58,329
                  Lube              
       on the presents tonight      

156
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:01,332
         Lube for the sleigh       

157
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,126
       And in the midnight hour    

158
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:06,045
       On one of Santa's breaks    

159
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:08,214
          Donner and Blitzen       

160
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:13,261
          They find themselves      
              all alone             

161
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:19,850
            And in a moment         
          of pure attraction        

162
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:23,229
      That's when those reindeers   
              recognize             

163
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:26,941
              "Oh, my God,          
        we really are animals       

164
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,234
          "Thank God we have       

165
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:34,407
             Lu-u-u-u-ube          

166
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:37,368
         Lube, oh, ah, oh, oh      

167
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,788
             There's lube,          
            oh, ah, oh, oh          

168
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:44,083
            The luuuuuube          

169
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:47,503
             Ooh oooh hoo          

170
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:50,464
         Lube, oh, ah, oh, oh      

171
00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:54,135
           - There's lube          
      -[all]    Oh, ah, oh, oh      

172
00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:57,305
                Lu-uu              

173
00:09:57,346 --> 00:10:01,475
                Uuube              

174
00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:04,186
        Nobody asks why Santa      

175
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:09,108
           Has so much lube        

176
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,484
                 Lube              

177
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,530
            For the sleigh         

178
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:17,450
        [cheers and applause]       

179
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,339
      The man has many secrets.     
         More on him later.         

180
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,759
    We're some lucky individuals    
              as well,              

181
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,135
        because we are joined       

182
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:40,139
           by the talented          
     Henry Koperski on the keys.    

183
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:43,768
    My collaborator on this show.   
             My friend.             

184
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,146
           I want to start          
        the following speech        

185
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:50,524
       with simply two words.       

186
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:53,486
          Human connection.         

187
00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:54,654
      [soft piano music starts]     

188
00:10:54,695 --> 00:10:56,364
           We've lost it.           

189
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,201
      Somewhere along the way,      

190
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:03,329
          human connection          
       has faltered among us.       

191
00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:05,039
    Now, I don't know about you,    

192
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:09,043
         but I wait all year        
            for Christmas           

193
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:11,337
           because I think          
         it's an opportunity        

194
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:14,882
     to connect with one another    
     in the name of the spirit.     

195
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,384
             But lately,            

196
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:19,679
          when I'm walking          
     these streets of New York,     

197
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,682
     I find that in my attempts     

198
00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:25,226
             to connect             
     with people on the street,     

199
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:27,561
               I fail.              

200
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:29,271
    I'll be walking by a stranger   

201
00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:30,773
        and I'll try to find        
             their eyes.            

202
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,942
      I'll try to say, "Hello!"     

203
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,738
    And they'll walk right by me.   

204
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:40,366
       And we miss each other.      

205
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,201
     And I'm discouraged by it,     
              you know?             

206
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,245
          It distresses me.         

207
00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:46,414
        I want it to change.        

208
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,250
   That's why tonight I'm issuing   
            a challenge.            

209
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:55,548
    The next time you are walking   
      the streets of New York,      

210
00:11:55,589 --> 00:11:59,009
         I want you to go up        
           to a stranger,           

211
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:03,597
     grab them by the shoulders,    
           and shake them.          

212
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,270
     And I want you to ask them     
             a question.            

213
00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:11,480
       I want you to ask them       
           this question.           

214
00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:17,319
          Have you heard of        

215
00:12:17,361 --> 00:12:21,407
              Christmas?           

216
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,951
          Have you heard of        

217
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:27,705
              Christmas?           

218
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:32,334
           Sometimes it feels       
         like you don't know        

219
00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:34,628
          What Christmas is        

220
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:37,757
                At all             

221
00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:42,219
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

222
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,140
          Have you heard of        

223
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:49,143
         [mutters, shivers]         

224
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:55,316
            Day after day          

225
00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:57,568
         We turn the channels      

226
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,404
      And we try to tune it out    

227
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,406
          That sound of pain       

228
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,159
             That we cause          
            to each other           

229
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:07,119
         At times it can feel      

230
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,830
          Like we're fighting       
          just to reach out         

231
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:14,460
          And feel something       

232
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:17,505
      It's like we've forgotten    

233
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:21,884
             That one thing         
        we all have in common       

234
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:25,763
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

235
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:30,643
           It's when children       
             gather round           

236
00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:33,646
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

237
00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:35,189
             [chuckles]             

238
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,983
              We all know           
         that Christmas sound       

239
00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:41,904
            Christmas sounds        
          like ooh, ooh, ooh        

240
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:46,325
         Christmas sounds like      
            ooh, ooh, ooh           

241
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:50,204
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

242
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:53,916
           Have you heard of        
              Christmas?            

243
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,838
      You know, some people say    

244
00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,714
        We've lost the meaning     

245
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:03,717
           Of what Christmas        
             is all about           

246
00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,678
        I would have to agree      

247
00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:09,181
       And we can't let politics    
             or religion            

248
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:13,310
       Nothing stand in our way    

249
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:17,189
             Of celebrating         
            Christmas now           

250
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:20,234
           I absolutely know        
          what Christmas is         

251
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:21,735
              Yes, I do            

252
00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:24,280
         And I'm gonna tell you     
             all about it           

253
00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:28,784
             Have you heard         
           of Christmas? Uh         

254
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:32,079
              It's the day          
           that Jesus died          

255
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,583
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

256
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,001
          That was the night       

257
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:39,378
       That those five disciples    
                cried               

258
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:42,715
          They cried together       
         like, ooh, ooh, ooh        

259
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:44,300
    The dolls, they were crying.    

260
00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:46,844
          The dolls were like,      
           "Ooh, ooh, ooh"          

261
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,514
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

262
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:55,394
           Have you heard of        
              Christmas?            

263
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:59,440
           Santa and Jesus         

264
00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:03,193
               They were            
          best, best friends        

265
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:06,614
         They knew each other      

266
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:09,783
          Way back in college       
             at Bethlehem           

267
00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:14,288
          They knew each other      
          like ooh, ooh, ooh        

268
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,790
             They were like         
            Ooh, ooh, ooh           

269
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,626
            Ooh, ooh, ooh          

270
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:22,630
       Honestly, I have not been    
              to church             

271
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:23,964
            In a very long         

272
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:27,801
              Tiiiiiiime           

273
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:30,137
        [cheers and applause]       

274
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:34,808
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

275
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:37,895
            It's when Moses         
             did the lake           

276
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,940
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

277
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:42,483
          That was the night       

278
00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:45,194
        That they made St. Nick     
               a saint              

279
00:15:45,235 --> 00:15:49,823
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

280
00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:52,910
            That's when Noah        
            built his boat          

281
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:56,622
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

282
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:58,415
           It's when you see        
             that cousin            

283
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:01,835
          That you wanna fuck       
            but you don't           

284
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:05,339
         Sometimes it can feel      
         like you don't know        

285
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:09,009
       What Christmas is at all    

286
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:13,847
            And I will admit        
          that I do not know        

287
00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:16,058
          What Christmas is        

288
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:25,025
                At all             

289
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:33,534
             But I've heard         
             of Christmas           

290
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:36,704
           We have all...           

291
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:39,581
          At least heard of        

292
00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:44,086
              Christmas            

293
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:47,089
        And suddenly it seems      

294
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:52,177
         We all have something      
         in common after all        

295
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:59,101
             Have you heard         
            of Christmas?           

296
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:04,982
            Ooh, ooh, ooh          

297
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,693
                 Ooh               

298
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,040
        [Katie 1] Okay. Okay.       

299
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,083
       What if we tricked her       
            into thinking           

300
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:24,668
       -you're Billy Eichner?       
              -I'm me.              

301
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,086
       Why would I want to be       
       fucking Billy Eichner?       

302
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,588
            He's so loud.           

303
00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:29,590
   She already has a Christmas gay 
            and it's him.           

304
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,425
   [Matt] I am the Christmas gay!   

305
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,760
        Okay, I'm not saying        
         that we kidnap her.        

306
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:35,012
     But what if we hire someone    
             to get her?            

307
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,847
        Oh, what, so I can be       
          famous from jail?         

308
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,308
          What is it, 2008?         
      That's not chic anymore.      

309
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:40,601
              [Katie 4]             
       Wait, speaking of 2008,      

310
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,519
   Jessica Simpson is in the lobby 
             right now.             

311
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:43,812
      She would love to do it.      

312
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,439
             She put out            
       a Christmas album once.      

313
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,816
       No. Tell her thank you,      
               but no.              

314
00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:50,194
            Hey, Mama...            

315
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:51,945
            [door closes]           
          It's a no this year.       

316
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,532
            Girls, I have           
   a major press event in an hour. 

317
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,618
          I have to leave.          
       But none of this works       

318
00:17:57,659 --> 00:18:00,662
    unless Mariah Carey herself,    
       the queen of Christmas,      

319
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:01,914
       anoints me the prince.       

320
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:03,707
       Okay? It has to happen.      

321
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,793
         That has to happen.        

322
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:07,294
          dramatic chords         

323
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,922
   And now, a spoken word moment.   

324
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,720
              [softly]              
      Where are you, Christmas?     

325
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:21,558
        Why can't I find you?       

326
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:27,898
       Why have you gone away?      

327
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:35,072
        Where is the laughter       
        you used to bring me?       

328
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:39,159
          Why can't I hear          
             music play?            

329
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,497
        My world is changing.       

330
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,043
          I'm rearranging.          

331
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,631
           Does that mean           

332
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:55,676
       Christmas changes too?       

333
00:18:58,387 --> 00:18:59,888
            Please clap.            

334
00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:07,855
             Thank you.             
          I just performed          

335
00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:10,315
       that poem terrifically.      

336
00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:13,152
        But here's the thing        
         about performance--        

337
00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:16,697
     a performer is only as good    

338
00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:20,325
    as the material that he, she,   
    or they are given to perform.   

339
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:22,661
      And I would like to make      
           an announcement          

340
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,038
          about that piece.         

341
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,876
    It was written by none other    
         than Mariah Carey.         

342
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,673
            It's entitled           
     "Where Are You Christmas?"     

343
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,049
      And you may recognize it      

344
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:38,302
          from the seminal          
          Christmas classic         

345
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:40,971
                Grinch.              

346
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,473
        So this poem or song        

347
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,142
           that's featured          
         in the film   Grinch,        

348
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,019
       Mariah was commissioned      
             to write it            

349
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:50,397
       because the filmmakers       
       of   Grinch,   Jim Carrey,       

350
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:53,650
             they said,             

351
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:59,031
        "Mariah, what we need       
          is we need a song         

352
00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:01,742
        from the perspective        
      of young Cindy Lou Who."      

353
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:03,744
          I do this 'cause          
       she's about that tall.       

354
00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:08,415
           "We need a song          
         that says something        

355
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:12,002
    about seeing, as you mature,    
         Christmas change--         

356
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,588
      the meaning of Christmas      
    become a little bit different   

357
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,089
         as you get older."         

358
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:18,800
          So impressed were         
     the filmmakers of   Grinch--     

359
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:21,720
            Jim Carrey--            
      that they said to Mariah,     

360
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:25,474
    "Could you potentially write    
             more songs             

361
00:20:25,515 --> 00:20:28,560
       from other characters'       
      perspective in the film?"     

362
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,604
          And Mariah said,          
        "I'll take that on."        

363
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,272
         And so she watched         
         and early rough cut        

364
00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:34,524
         of the film   Grinch.        

365
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:36,360
    And she immediately connected   

366
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:38,946
         with one character         
           in particular.           

367
00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:41,657
        That character's name       
       is Martha May Whovier.       

368
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:46,787
         She is, of course,         
     the only single adult woman    

369
00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:48,372
         in all of Whoville.        

370
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:50,290
           She's portrayed          
      by the very sexy actress      

371
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,626
   Christine Baranski in the film. 

372
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:56,380
      Christine hive is here.       
              We love.              

373
00:20:57,464 --> 00:21:01,260
       And so she wrote a song      
      that was ultimately cut.      

374
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:04,179
    Now, while I'm not permitted    
             to perform             

375
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:05,639
     "Where Are You Christmas?"     

376
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,766
    or "All I Want for Christmas    
          is You" tonight,          

377
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,309
    Mariah did make an exception    

378
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:11,812
          for this cut song         
        from   Grinch   the film        

379
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,647
   because she never recorded it.   

380
00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,816
         I will be the first        
     to perform it here tonight.    

381
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:17,109
      Are you amenable to that?     

382
00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:21,697
       Fantastic, as they say.      

383
00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:24,157
      Now, in order to sort of      
            get into it--           

384
00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:25,659
      I'm sorry, actor thing--      

385
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:27,369
              I do have             
       to sort of become her.       

386
00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:31,581
      So just give me a second      
           to become her.           

387
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:36,336
         soft piano notes         

388
00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:40,007
                                 

389
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:41,758
          Perfect, I'd say.         

390
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,012
    So what we are going for here   

391
00:21:45,053 --> 00:21:47,264
          is sort of a MILF         
         with no kids look.         

392
00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:50,183
        I would like everyone       
             to remember            

393
00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:52,602
     that this song was written     
          in the year 2000          

394
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:54,313
      when Mariah was beginning     
            to experiment           

395
00:21:54,354 --> 00:21:57,190
         with her new sound         
            of R&B music.           

396
00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:59,359
         Character met form,        
     and the following happened.    

397
00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:04,698
            Oh, oh, oh, oh         

398
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:08,535
       Got this jacuzzi runnin'    

399
00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:11,371
             Hottest female         
            up in the land          

400
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:15,042
                Oh, oh             

401
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:18,879
                I think             
         your wife is callin'       

402
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,423
       I'm the Who who's screwin'   
               her man              

403
00:22:21,465 --> 00:22:24,593
       Mad drippage down my neck,   
         that's my Who jewels       

404
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:27,929
       These men are dialin' up,    
        actin' straight fools       

405
00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:30,891
                He wants            
         some Martha May Who        

406
00:22:30,932 --> 00:22:34,561
      That's why he's not witchu  

407
00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:37,731
          I'm the only hot Who      
            up in Whoville          

408
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:41,068
      Men know if their wife won't 
                I will              

409
00:22:41,109 --> 00:22:43,737
             He's tryna get         
         this Martha May Who        

410
00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:47,407
      Whoville sex is what I do    

411
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:50,911
         Courvosier by the case     
            straight killa          

412
00:22:50,952 --> 00:22:54,039
               Ice pussy,           
       I'm the Whoville thrilla     

413
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:57,250
       I heard there's a Grinch    

414
00:22:57,292 --> 00:23:00,670
          I'ma definitely fuck      
             this Grinch            

415
00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:04,549
            Oh, oh, oh, oh         

416
00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:07,844
       Got this jacuzzi runnin'    

417
00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:12,182
             Hottest female         
            up in the land          

418
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,476
                Oh, oh             

419
00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:17,979
      My wardrobe looks stunnin'  

420
00:23:18,021 --> 00:23:20,440
          I'ma absolutely fuck      
              the Grinch            

421
00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:22,776
            And I can't help        
           that men like me         

422
00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:26,446
        Y'all chickens giving me    
               side eye             

423
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:29,116
               But I know           
        if you got to know me       

424
00:23:29,157 --> 00:23:33,078
          You would surely be       
              surprised             

425
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,414
               Something            
       that I desperately crave     

426
00:23:35,455 --> 00:23:39,084
         Is female friendship      

427
00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:41,711
         If you actually think      
               about it             

428
00:23:41,753 --> 00:23:45,424
             This situation         
          is very, very sad         

429
00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:48,760
         Courvosier by the case     
            straight killa          

430
00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:52,097
               Ice pussy,           
       I'm the Whoville thrilla     

431
00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:55,142
               And I know           
        when I see this Grinch      

432
00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:58,103
       His dick is 'bout to grow    
             three sizes            

433
00:23:58,145 --> 00:24:01,565
             If you relate          
          to this character         

434
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:04,818
      You can probably understand   
            me when I say           

435
00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:07,654
        It's hard to call myself    
              a feminist            

436
00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:09,156
                Because             
        of the social climate       

437
00:24:09,197 --> 00:24:11,158
           In which I exist        

438
00:24:11,199 --> 00:24:14,619
          Ah ah ah ah ah ah        

439
00:24:14,661 --> 00:24:19,416
             Ah ah ah ah ah         
                ah ah               

440
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:23,336
          Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,       
       ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh      

441
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,130
            end chords            

442
00:24:44,941 --> 00:24:46,276
        Uh, can't take credit       
            for that one.           

443
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:49,654
      Mariah Carey wrote that.      
     Can't possibly take credit.    

444
00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:53,992
       So, while I am sort of       

445
00:24:54,034 --> 00:24:58,371
   embodying the female characters 
       of the Christmas lore,       

446
00:24:58,413 --> 00:25:00,373
          I think I'd like          
         to keep doing that.        

447
00:25:00,415 --> 00:25:02,375
                Um...               

448
00:25:02,792 --> 00:25:05,128
         I think we can all         
           probably agree           

449
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:09,508
        that the most famous        
          Christmas female          

450
00:25:09,549 --> 00:25:12,636
   -is probably Mrs. Claus, right? 
             -[applause]            

451
00:25:12,677 --> 00:25:15,430
       Yeah, we all know her.       

452
00:25:18,225 --> 00:25:20,560
              Or do we?             

453
00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:23,730
       We know an idea of her.      
         We could draw her.         

454
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:30,570
          But do we know...         

455
00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:32,072
              Kristin?              

456
00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:40,413
          Kristin Giordano.         

457
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:45,126
        Of Syosset, New York.       

458
00:25:50,257 --> 00:25:53,969
       In the words of Mariah,      
         we don't know her.         

459
00:25:54,010 --> 00:25:55,762
       And I think that's sad.      

460
00:25:55,804 --> 00:25:59,641
           I mean, she is           
    this female icon of Christmas   

461
00:25:59,683 --> 00:26:02,018
    that we pretend to celebrate,   

462
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:03,770
     and I just think it's wrong    

463
00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:06,231
        that we know nothing        
        about her true story.       

464
00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:10,610
      So I took it upon myself      
       as a musical artist...       

465
00:26:12,779 --> 00:26:16,783
      ...to sit down and really     
        just put pen to paper       

466
00:26:16,825 --> 00:26:19,619
    and try to draw out a person    
        that made sense to me       

467
00:26:19,661 --> 00:26:22,831
      based on the information      
          that we do have.          

468
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:28,420
        gentle piano chords       

469
00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:33,383
                                 

470
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:45,645
           You've been bad         

471
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,022
         I know that when you      

472
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,525
         And your reindeer boys     
               gear up              

473
00:26:50,567 --> 00:26:54,487
        That you'll look back      

474
00:26:54,529 --> 00:26:59,326
      You'll say, "It's 24 hours.   
          I'll see ya later"        

475
00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:01,536
          But I did the math       

476
00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:07,584
           I bet you thought        
         that I would not be        

477
00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:10,337
           Capable of that         

478
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:17,761
      But I bought a calculator    

479
00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:19,346
          And it would take        

480
00:27:19,387 --> 00:27:22,474
        Five hundred and thirty     
               trillion             

481
00:27:22,515 --> 00:27:26,853
             Seven hundred          
        and forty-five billion      

482
00:27:26,895 --> 00:27:30,815
      Two hundred and thirty-three 
            million hours           

483
00:27:30,857 --> 00:27:33,943
           To see every house       
             in the world           

484
00:27:33,985 --> 00:27:37,364
           So where do you go       
           when you leave?          

485
00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:41,493
         Every Christmas Eve       

486
00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:46,831
             Because I know         
         you are lying to me        

487
00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:51,044
              Santa Claus,          
            you got caught          

488
00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:54,130
            Where do you go         
           when you leave?          

489
00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:58,551
         Every Christmas Eve       

490
00:27:58,593 --> 00:28:02,305
            Every Christmas         
            I sit at home           

491
00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:04,933
       I'm wondering which one     

492
00:28:04,974 --> 00:28:08,687
      Which of the world's nations 
           houses the woman         

493
00:28:08,728 --> 00:28:12,857
         Who stole my husband,      
         stole my whole life        

494
00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:16,986
       There are so many nations,   
                I read              

495
00:28:17,028 --> 00:28:20,907
       There's eight hundred and    
     forty-five thousand billion    

496
00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:24,911
          Twenty-two million,       
       two hundred six thousand     

497
00:28:24,953 --> 00:28:29,207
         Twenty eight trillion      
       and two hundred billion      

498
00:28:29,249 --> 00:28:31,584
        Countries in the world     

499
00:28:31,626 --> 00:28:34,587
           So where do you go       
           when you leave?          

500
00:28:34,629 --> 00:28:38,091
         Every Christmas Eve       

501
00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:41,678
             Because I know         
      you are lying to me, Nick     

502
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,304
           I looked it up.          

503
00:28:43,346 --> 00:28:47,016
             Santa "Claus,"         
            you got caught          

504
00:28:47,058 --> 00:28:49,894
            Where do you go         
           when you leave?          

505
00:28:49,936 --> 00:28:53,231
         Every Christmas Eve       

506
00:28:55,233 --> 00:28:58,737
           You used to teach        
             second grade           

507
00:28:58,778 --> 00:29:01,531
            I used to think         
      you never even really had     

508
00:29:01,573 --> 00:29:04,576
      Dreams at all before this    

509
00:29:04,617 --> 00:29:08,329
         I didn't go to college     
          out of high school        

510
00:29:08,371 --> 00:29:10,874
       I went to the North Pole    

511
00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:13,460
            But still I stay        
              the course            

512
00:29:13,501 --> 00:29:16,045
          Because if I left        

513
00:29:16,087 --> 00:29:21,593
               What would           
         the whole world say?       

514
00:29:21,634 --> 00:29:25,388
              But I think           
        I'm leaving you anyway      

515
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,893
           'Cause there are        

516
00:29:31,144 --> 00:29:35,482
      Six hundred and ninety-eight 
           billion billion          

517
00:29:35,523 --> 00:29:39,778
             Forty and two          
       and six-ninety fafillion     

518
00:29:39,819 --> 00:29:42,655
        Other men in the world     

519
00:29:42,697 --> 00:29:45,617
       And if that sounds wrong,    
             I don't care           

520
00:29:45,658 --> 00:29:48,495
          They won't lie to me      
           when they leave          

521
00:29:48,536 --> 00:29:52,332
       Not every Christmas Eve     

522
00:29:52,373 --> 00:29:57,378
              Like I know           
       you've been lying to me      

523
00:29:57,420 --> 00:30:01,174
              Santa Claus,          
            you got caught          

524
00:30:01,216 --> 00:30:03,593
     [loudly]    Where do you go     
            when you leave          

525
00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:06,930
         Every Christmas Eve?      

526
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:10,767
              From now on           
        you're done hurting me      

527
00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:14,521
         Every Christmas Eve       

528
00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:18,483
              [softly]              
            I did the math         

529
00:30:21,194 --> 00:30:25,573
           I bet you thought        
         that I would not be        

530
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:29,744
           Capable of that         

531
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:34,541
            end chords            

532
00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:47,554
     You know, I have a feeling     
      her instincts are right.      

533
00:30:47,595 --> 00:30:49,556
    Her math is definitely wrong.   

534
00:30:50,932 --> 00:30:53,226
          Um, at this time,         

535
00:30:53,268 --> 00:30:56,813
   I would like to address sort of 
      an elephant in the room.      

536
00:30:56,855 --> 00:31:00,400
      The elephant is currently     
           playing piano.           

537
00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:02,235
     His name is Henry Koperski.    
      Give it up one more time.     

538
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,240
            The truth is            

539
00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:11,744
     that Henry and I used to be    
      a little bit of an item.      

540
00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:15,081
   We used to be a little bit of a 
   thing for two and a half years. 

541
00:31:15,123 --> 00:31:16,583
                Um...               

542
00:31:16,624 --> 00:31:19,627
      Henry's a lovely person,      
          but it had to end         

543
00:31:19,669 --> 00:31:22,088
   because the thing about Henry-- 
       can you put ear muffs?       

544
00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:23,798
             Ear muffs.             

545
00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:29,971
        The thing about Henry       
    is he didn't fucking get it.    

546
00:31:30,013 --> 00:31:31,723
        Who is dating someone       

547
00:31:31,764 --> 00:31:33,266
     and they just don't fucking    
               get it?              

548
00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:35,476
   You guys know what I'm saying?   
     They don't fucking get it.     

549
00:31:35,518 --> 00:31:36,686
       It's, like, you just--       

550
00:31:36,728 --> 00:31:37,937
         there's parts of it        
           that are good,           

551
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:39,188
      you want to make it work,     

552
00:31:39,230 --> 00:31:41,524
      and--but they just don't      
           fucking get it.          

553
00:31:41,566 --> 00:31:42,775
   And where do you go from there? 

554
00:31:42,817 --> 00:31:44,694
          It's just, like--         
     you can take them off now.     

555
00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:47,071
          He would take me          
         to these fucked up         

556
00:31:47,113 --> 00:31:48,615
       stupid fucking places.       

557
00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:50,617
   I was like, "What kind of girl   
         do you think I am?"        

558
00:31:50,658 --> 00:31:53,202
      Like, the way he's, like,     
     taking me to these joints--    

559
00:31:53,244 --> 00:31:54,829
    like, he just didn't get it.    

560
00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,792
    And so I forced him to write    
           a song with me           

561
00:31:59,834 --> 00:32:01,544
       about our relationship,      

562
00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:03,630
     and we're gonna perform it     
             right here.            

563
00:32:03,671 --> 00:32:05,632
             Here we go.            

564
00:32:05,673 --> 00:32:09,302
             [vocalizes]            

565
00:32:09,344 --> 00:32:10,803
              Yeah, yeah           

566
00:32:10,845 --> 00:32:12,805
             funky music           

567
00:32:12,847 --> 00:32:14,474
                 Ooh               

568
00:32:14,515 --> 00:32:16,434
             Heard you say          
          you had a surprise        

569
00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:19,145
      A reservation really nice?  

570
00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:20,897
                  No               

571
00:32:22,148 --> 00:32:25,818
                And ooh             
      why you tryna mess around?    

572
00:32:25,860 --> 00:32:28,780
           Why you taking me        
              downtown?             

573
00:32:28,821 --> 00:32:30,448
                No, no             

574
00:32:30,490 --> 00:32:32,992
        Because I'm dressed up     

575
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:35,495
          Not nice but warm        

576
00:32:35,536 --> 00:32:38,122
        If you wanna marry me      

577
00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:39,958
      You better listen to this    

578
00:32:39,999 --> 00:32:43,503
           So-oo-oo-oo-ong         

579
00:32:43,544 --> 00:32:46,464
               I wanna go           
      where they film mad things    

580
00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:48,341
            Bump into people        
             accidentally           

581
00:32:48,383 --> 00:32:49,676
          At RockafellaCenta       

582
00:32:49,717 --> 00:32:51,135
               Yes, yes            

583
00:32:51,177 --> 00:32:52,845
           RockafellaCenta         

584
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,682
             I wanna watch          
        the people ice skating      

585
00:32:55,723 --> 00:32:57,850
           Look up at a tree        
            that is so big          

586
00:32:57,892 --> 00:33:00,144
          At RockafellaCenta,       
           you know the one         

587
00:33:00,186 --> 00:33:02,188
           RockafellaCenta         
               [gasps]              

588
00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:05,441
        I wanna see Jimmy Fallon    
        come out the building       

589
00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:07,360
                Because             
        that's where he works       

590
00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:10,488
          I wanna see Al Roker      
        come out the building       

591
00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:12,323
                Because             
        that's where he works       

592
00:33:12,365 --> 00:33:13,866
              I wanna see           
           Jenna Bush Hager         

593
00:33:13,908 --> 00:33:15,243
        Come out the building      

594
00:33:15,284 --> 00:33:17,203
                Because             
        that's where she works      

595
00:33:17,245 --> 00:33:20,039
            And I wanna see         
      the big, the big, the big     

596
00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:23,251
        The big, big, big tree,     
       tree at RockafellaCenta      

597
00:33:23,292 --> 00:33:24,711
            Is that Hoda?          

598
00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:26,713
            RockafellaCenta,        
              it is Hoda            

599
00:33:26,754 --> 00:33:28,715
         RockafellaCenta, uh       

600
00:33:28,756 --> 00:33:29,882
           Wish I could live        
             at the Centa           

601
00:33:29,924 --> 00:33:31,259
              Hi, girl.             

602
00:33:31,300 --> 00:33:35,555
      It's mostly about the tree  

603
00:33:35,596 --> 00:33:40,143
            That's what it's        
         really about for me        

604
00:33:40,184 --> 00:33:41,227
       Tree at RockafellaCenta     

605
00:33:41,269 --> 00:33:42,603
             Mikey Day?             

606
00:33:42,645 --> 00:33:44,063
           RockafellaCenta         

607
00:33:44,105 --> 00:33:47,233
      God bless RockafellaCenta    

608
00:33:47,275 --> 00:33:49,569
           - Rockafella...         
            -[all] Centa.           

609
00:33:49,610 --> 00:33:50,653
                Centa              

610
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,572
            -[bell rings]           
          -All right, guys,         

611
00:33:52,613 --> 00:33:54,741
    so today, instead of reading,   

612
00:33:54,782 --> 00:33:56,909
           we're gonna do           
   a little Christmas treat, okay? 

613
00:33:56,951 --> 00:33:58,411
   We have a really special guest   
             coming in.             

614
00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:00,580
         Is it Santa Claus?         

615
00:34:00,621 --> 00:34:02,248
               Ho, ho.              

616
00:34:02,290 --> 00:34:04,542
          The fuck's that?          

617
00:34:04,584 --> 00:34:08,421
      Y'all, it's Matt Rogers,      
           Christmas icon.          

618
00:34:10,131 --> 00:34:11,424
               Ho, ho!              

619
00:34:11,466 --> 00:34:13,426
           It's actually--          
         there's three "hos"        

620
00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:16,054
   Like, it's, like, "ho, ho, ho." 

621
00:34:16,095 --> 00:34:17,221
                 Ho.                

622
00:34:17,263 --> 00:34:19,098
      Got all excited for Santa     

623
00:34:19,140 --> 00:34:20,892
         or at least someone        
       pretending to be Santa.      

624
00:34:20,933 --> 00:34:22,268
         Even if Santa's...         

625
00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:23,478
   Yeah, we don't need to say it.   

626
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:24,771
           [student] Yeah.          

627
00:34:24,812 --> 00:34:27,106
       Okay, well, thank you,       
             Miss Peters            

628
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:28,566
           for allowing me          
        to come in here today       

629
00:34:28,608 --> 00:34:30,276
      and give you little ones      
           a special gift.          

630
00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:33,404
       Little ones? We're ten.      
       Don't be condescending.      

631
00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:34,906
             Okay, um...            

632
00:34:34,947 --> 00:34:36,491
               Well...              

633
00:34:36,532 --> 00:34:38,951
      I am a recording artist.      

634
00:34:38,993 --> 00:34:40,995
          Does anybody know         
          what that means?          

635
00:34:41,037 --> 00:34:42,497
                Yes.                

636
00:34:42,538 --> 00:34:43,998
       Evidently, it's someone      
      who talks down to people      

637
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,292
         like they're fools.        

638
00:34:46,334 --> 00:34:47,794
          Okay, seriously,          
      what is the problem here?     

639
00:34:47,835 --> 00:34:49,170
           Because, um...           

640
00:34:49,212 --> 00:34:50,421
        did you not tell them       
         what was happening?        

641
00:34:50,463 --> 00:34:51,756
                 No.                

642
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:54,342
         I'm like a huge fan        
           of the podcast.          

643
00:34:54,383 --> 00:34:57,136
   Miss Peters, you are so basic.   

644
00:34:57,178 --> 00:34:59,639
    Stop. You embarrass yourself.   

645
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:00,932
         Thank you for that.        

646
00:35:00,973 --> 00:35:04,477
        Okay, well, everyone,       
            I'm a singer.           

647
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:06,979
    And I've been thinking a lot    
      about you kids nowadays.      

648
00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:09,607
      Because I think it stinks     

649
00:35:09,649 --> 00:35:12,401
           that there are           
       so many Christmas songs      

650
00:35:12,443 --> 00:35:15,321
            but there are           
       no Christmas lullabies.      

651
00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:17,448
               -Jesus!              
              -[groans]             

652
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:20,660
      So what I did is I wrote      
        a Christmas lullaby,        

653
00:35:20,701 --> 00:35:22,829
       and I'm gonna debut it       
       for you all right now.       

654
00:35:22,870 --> 00:35:24,455
             [chuckles]             

655
00:35:24,497 --> 00:35:25,998
         Yes, little queen.         

656
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:27,333
         So can I just ask,         

657
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:29,377
     is this a press opportunity    
              for you?              

658
00:35:29,418 --> 00:35:31,129
       'Cause coming here with      
    a camera crew and everything,   

659
00:35:31,170 --> 00:35:33,297
   telling us you're gonna give us 
              a gift--              

660
00:35:33,339 --> 00:35:34,966
     your energy's very selfish.    

661
00:35:35,007 --> 00:35:37,760
    I'm feeling a little...used.    

662
00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:40,179
     Yeah, like, do your thing.     
        You're already here.        

663
00:35:40,221 --> 00:35:42,014
       But we just want to get      
             real clear             

664
00:35:42,056 --> 00:35:43,641
           about the fact           
        that this is for you        

665
00:35:43,683 --> 00:35:46,811
       and not a "gift" for us      
   before you do your little song. 

666
00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:47,895
               Clown.               

667
00:35:49,647 --> 00:35:50,898
                Okay.               

668
00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:55,069
      Well, this song is called     
            "Snowflakes,"           

669
00:35:55,111 --> 00:35:57,113
             and it goes            
    a little something like this.   

670
00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:59,323
            - Ooh, s--            
           -Uh, excuse me.          

671
00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:02,535
            It's a chop.            

672
00:36:02,577 --> 00:36:04,871
            But whatever            
         you're looking for,        

673
00:36:04,912 --> 00:36:07,456
        we hope you find it.        

674
00:36:07,498 --> 00:36:10,877
           [shudders] Ooh!          
                Ohh!                

675
00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:14,005
        Suddenly, it just got       
         very cold on stage.        

676
00:36:14,046 --> 00:36:15,798
      You know? It's very cold.     
       Henry, aren't you cold?      

677
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:19,385
        Do brr. Do brr. Act.        

678
00:36:19,427 --> 00:36:21,512
        Man, it's so chilly.        

679
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:25,141
      I think what I might need     
     is some body heat up here.     

680
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:26,517
         So I'm gonna invite        
       a couple of my friends.      

681
00:36:26,559 --> 00:36:28,019
        Everybody give it up        

682
00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:31,397
     for the talented Josh Sharp    
         and Aaron Jackson!         

683
00:36:31,439 --> 00:36:33,566
   You were there the whole time?   

684
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:35,735
   Thanks for coming to the show,   
                doll.               

685
00:36:37,862 --> 00:36:38,863
                 Hi.                

686
00:36:40,072 --> 00:36:41,532
                -Wow!               
          -Thanks for being         

687
00:36:41,574 --> 00:36:43,618
         -on the show, guys.        
          -Merry Christmas.         

688
00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:44,827
     [together] Merry Christmas.    

689
00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:47,830
      So, wait, let's just get      
         into it, shall we?         

690
00:36:47,872 --> 00:36:49,999
     The question on everyone's     
          minds and lips...         

691
00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:51,334
            [Aaron] Yeah.           

692
00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:53,044
       What are you guys doing      
          for the holidays?         

693
00:36:53,085 --> 00:36:54,545
       Are you going back home      
       and seeing some family?      

694
00:36:54,587 --> 00:36:55,796
            -[both] Yes.            
     -Is that what's happening?     

695
00:36:55,838 --> 00:36:57,173
            -Absolutely.            
     -[Aaron] That's happening.     

696
00:36:57,215 --> 00:36:59,342
       My family actually has       
     this really fun tradition.     

697
00:36:59,383 --> 00:37:01,177
               -Okay.               
     -Every Christmas we do, um,    

698
00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:03,137
   a White Elephant gift exchange. 

699
00:37:03,179 --> 00:37:04,472
            -I love that.           
       -I love White Elephant       

700
00:37:04,513 --> 00:37:05,598
    'cause you can do the trade--   

701
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:06,682
         -The stealing, yes.        
            -The steals.            

702
00:37:06,724 --> 00:37:08,559
       Yeah, I love to steal.       

703
00:37:08,601 --> 00:37:11,270
              And, um,              
    it's so interesting, though,    

704
00:37:11,312 --> 00:37:13,564
      because, like, every year     
     I'll be opening a present--    

705
00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:15,691
        I'll be opening mine,       
     and, you know, I'll, like,     

706
00:37:15,733 --> 00:37:17,235
    hold out, you know, the socks   
    or something funny like that.   

707
00:37:17,276 --> 00:37:18,945
               -Yeah.               
         -And then everyone         

708
00:37:18,986 --> 00:37:20,112
   in the family will turn to me,   

709
00:37:20,154 --> 00:37:21,197
       and they'll look at me       
          and they'll say,          

710
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:22,531
       "In your relationship,       

711
00:37:22,573 --> 00:37:25,868
           who is the man           
       and who is the woman?"       

712
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:27,536
        -Well, that seems...        
         -I don't like that.        

713
00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:28,704
              -Random.              
           -It's so crazy.          

714
00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:29,914
    And I'm like, "First of all,    

715
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,124
         we prefer the terms        
           hole and pole."          

716
00:37:32,166 --> 00:37:34,460
        But I just wanna say,       
     I really love the tradition    

717
00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:36,128
   and I love the White Elephant.   
         -[Matt] Of course.         

718
00:37:36,170 --> 00:37:38,297
     Uh, my family actually has     
          a tradition, too.         

719
00:37:38,339 --> 00:37:39,632
            -[Aaron] Oh!            
            -[Matt] Okay.           

720
00:37:39,674 --> 00:37:41,300
         So we do this thing        
        where we eat a meal.        

721
00:37:41,342 --> 00:37:42,927
            -Oh, my gosh.           
              -Classic.             

722
00:37:42,969 --> 00:37:45,263
    Yes, it's like this big meal.   
         And there's, like--        

723
00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,139
          everybody's there         
    and there's all these sides.    

724
00:37:47,181 --> 00:37:49,475
    But I find that always, like,   
    I'm, like, digging into the--   

725
00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:50,893
              you know,             
       the Christmas turkey...      

726
00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:52,770
               -Yeah.               
    -And I'm, like, sucking out--   

727
00:37:52,812 --> 00:37:55,314
        I've got the big leg        
    in my mouth and they're like,   

728
00:37:55,356 --> 00:37:58,442
    "Is this what sucking a cock    
      is like?" they say to me.     

729
00:37:58,484 --> 00:38:00,861
        -[Aaron] Oh, my God.        
      -Hello, microaggression.      

730
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:02,613
    Right. Very microaggressive.    

731
00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:04,240
       -Very microaggressive.       
           -And I'm like,           

732
00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:06,409
         "First of all, no.         
        Cocks aren't cooked."       

733
00:38:06,450 --> 00:38:08,077
               -Yeah.               
                -Duh.               

734
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:09,745
           -Famously raw.           
          -Oh, the rawest.          

735
00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:10,997
           And then also,           
          they don't ask it         

736
00:38:11,038 --> 00:38:12,415
           of anyone else,          
            and I'm like,           

737
00:38:12,456 --> 00:38:14,292
        "A lot of these girls       
             suck cock.             

738
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:15,835
           Quite frankly,           
       I'm not the only one."       

739
00:38:15,876 --> 00:38:18,129
          -[Matt] They do.          
     -But they ask only me that.    

740
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:19,422
   I would imagine they suck cock. 

741
00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:20,589
       But the meal is so fun.      

742
00:38:20,631 --> 00:38:21,507
            -[Aaron] Yum.           
        -And there's so many        

743
00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:22,800
             kids there.            

744
00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:24,927
       There are so many kids.      
          It's mostly kids.         

745
00:38:24,969 --> 00:38:27,930
   Yeah, um, so for me, I guess--   

746
00:38:27,972 --> 00:38:29,515
         -Oh, my God, Matt.         
         -Matt, oh, my God.         

747
00:38:29,557 --> 00:38:30,850
             -Don't cry.            
             -What's up?            

748
00:38:30,891 --> 00:38:32,435
           It's just been           
         really hard for me         

749
00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,687
       with my extended family      
          and the climate.          

750
00:38:34,729 --> 00:38:37,148
          And just, like--          
        I don't know, girls.        

751
00:38:37,189 --> 00:38:40,026
               Hey, girl,           
          what's the matter?        

752
00:38:40,067 --> 00:38:41,944
        Feels like you done lost    
              that shine            

753
00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:43,487
         -[mouthing] I did?         
     -[Josh]    It's like every     

754
00:38:43,529 --> 00:38:45,323
          Year when Christmas       
             comes around           

755
00:38:45,364 --> 00:38:47,783
      You always lose your mind    

756
00:38:47,825 --> 00:38:51,370
       Is it your job or your man   
          or your occupation        

757
00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:53,622
       That's getting you down?    

758
00:38:53,664 --> 00:38:54,832
           We're your girls        

759
00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:59,128
         You can tell us now       

760
00:38:59,170 --> 00:39:01,380
        Well, first let me say     

761
00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:03,924
                You are             
         my very best friends       

762
00:39:03,966 --> 00:39:06,719
            And I know that         
     when you address me as girl    

763
00:39:06,761 --> 00:39:08,346
       You know that I'm a man     

764
00:39:08,387 --> 00:39:09,764
      [together]    Yeah, yeah      

765
00:39:09,805 --> 00:39:11,974
             But, honestly,         
            this Christmas          

766
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:14,643
              I am feeling          
           kind of strange          

767
00:39:14,685 --> 00:39:19,148
           I don't wanna hear       
           my relatives say         

768
00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:20,399
             [together]             
        We think you're wrong      

769
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:22,443
                We think            
        that you're not right       

770
00:39:22,485 --> 00:39:24,737
        You're liberal and gay     

771
00:39:24,779 --> 00:39:29,075
        And we don't wanna hear     
           a thing you say          

772
00:39:29,116 --> 00:39:32,161
               Hey, girl,           
      and, of course, I mean man    

773
00:39:32,203 --> 00:39:34,497
        I know where you're at     

774
00:39:34,538 --> 00:39:36,999
           But I promise you        
       that whatever goes down      

775
00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:38,334
         I'ma have your back       

776
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:39,794
             Oh, my God.            

777
00:39:39,835 --> 00:39:40,878
             [together]             
         I'ma have your back       

778
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:41,962
            This Christmas         

779
00:39:42,004 --> 00:39:44,131
         I'll be by your side      

780
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:46,550
          I'ma have your back       
            this Christmas          

781
00:39:46,592 --> 00:39:48,219
        And for all your life      

782
00:39:48,260 --> 00:39:50,054
            Even if they try        
             to tell you            

783
00:39:50,096 --> 00:39:52,556
              Donald Trump          
          is still president        

784
00:39:52,598 --> 00:39:54,141
            And they do.            

785
00:39:54,183 --> 00:39:56,185
            And you pop off         
        and they kick you out       

786
00:39:56,227 --> 00:39:58,145
             [together]             
         I'ma have your back       

787
00:39:58,187 --> 00:40:00,564
        Ooh, girl, that makes me    
             feel so good           

788
00:40:00,606 --> 00:40:02,608
      You are my support system    

789
00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:05,194
           Please plan for me       
        to come to your house       

790
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:06,570
       I hate my fucking family    

791
00:40:06,612 --> 00:40:08,447
          And I'm gonna fight       
              with them             

792
00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:11,575
               Hey, girl,           
      and, of course, I mean man    

793
00:40:11,617 --> 00:40:13,119
              Yeah, yeah           

794
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:14,954
             Just remember          
           that you aren't          

795
00:40:14,995 --> 00:40:17,832
          - Necessarily...         
   -[together]    Right or wrong    

796
00:40:17,873 --> 00:40:19,500
      There are always two sides  

797
00:40:19,542 --> 00:40:21,794
      And even though you're gay  

798
00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:26,048
            It doesn't mean         
         they're antagonizing       

799
00:40:26,090 --> 00:40:28,551
              Girl, I see           
           your perspective         

800
00:40:28,592 --> 00:40:32,430
          But if I don't like       
     one thing that my uncle says  

801
00:40:32,471 --> 00:40:34,140
       I'ma burn his house down    

802
00:40:34,181 --> 00:40:36,308
       And you will have my back,   
              here we go            

803
00:40:36,350 --> 00:40:38,727
          I'ma have your back       
            this Christmas          

804
00:40:38,769 --> 00:40:40,813
         I'll be by your side      

805
00:40:40,855 --> 00:40:42,982
          I'ma have your back       
            this Christmas          

806
00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:44,900
        And for all your life      

807
00:40:44,942 --> 00:40:47,445
              Even if I go          
         on a full-on rampage       

808
00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:50,156
         'Cause of a political      
             disagreement           

809
00:40:50,197 --> 00:40:52,908
        You will tell the police    
         I was at your house        

810
00:40:52,950 --> 00:40:54,660
        You will have my back      

811
00:40:54,702 --> 00:40:57,163
         [both]    Girl, no         

812
00:40:57,204 --> 00:40:59,290
            We will not lie         
            to the police           

813
00:40:59,331 --> 00:41:00,833
               -What?               
          - I'm your friend        

814
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:02,501
         But I won't go to jail     
               for you              

815
00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:04,044
      -[Josh] Not again, Mama.      
           -Some friends.           

816
00:41:04,086 --> 00:41:06,338
           - But, girl...          
            - But girl...          

817
00:41:06,380 --> 00:41:07,715
         And by girl I mean--      

818
00:41:07,756 --> 00:41:09,341
        Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah     

819
00:41:09,383 --> 00:41:11,510
            If there's a way        
        to get away with arson      

820
00:41:11,552 --> 00:41:13,345
              Then tell us          
           what we gotta do         

821
00:41:13,387 --> 00:41:15,181
         First you gotta wait      

822
00:41:15,222 --> 00:41:16,515
         -Till they're on...       
      -[together]    Vacation       

823
00:41:16,557 --> 00:41:18,350
             Then you sneak         
           inside the house         

824
00:41:18,392 --> 00:41:19,685
         You get a pickle jar      

825
00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:21,479
           And some newspaper       
            laying around           

826
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:23,022
       - Mama, write this down     
               -Okay.               

827
00:41:23,063 --> 00:41:24,690
           The you gotta fill       
        the pickle jar with...      

828
00:41:24,732 --> 00:41:26,192
        [together]    Water         

829
00:41:26,233 --> 00:41:28,027
            You surround it         
          with the newspaper        

830
00:41:28,068 --> 00:41:30,196
      You put it in a sunny room  

831
00:41:30,237 --> 00:41:33,032
                And say,            
        "Bitch, see you later"      

832
00:41:33,073 --> 00:41:34,492
             [together]             
         "I'ma have your back       

833
00:41:34,533 --> 00:41:35,826
            This Christmas         

834
00:41:35,868 --> 00:41:37,369
         I'll be by your side      

835
00:41:37,411 --> 00:41:39,497
          I'ma have your back       
            this Christmas          

836
00:41:39,538 --> 00:41:41,373
        And for all your life      

837
00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:44,043
             I will not go          
          to prison for you         

838
00:41:44,084 --> 00:41:46,337
           But I can help you       
            do your thing           

839
00:41:46,378 --> 00:41:47,671
               And burn            

840
00:41:47,713 --> 00:41:48,797
               - Burn              
               - Burn              

841
00:41:48,839 --> 00:41:50,549
             Down a house          

842
00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:53,552
              Ooh, girl            

843
00:41:53,594 --> 00:41:56,222
        We are men, we are men,     
        we are men, we are men      

844
00:41:56,263 --> 00:41:59,725
              I'ma have            

845
00:41:59,767 --> 00:42:03,896
              Your back            

846
00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:04,897
                We are             

847
00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:06,398
               Radical             

848
00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:11,403
                 Ized              

849
00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:16,909
     Josh Sharp, Aaron Jackson,     
             everybody.             

850
00:42:16,951 --> 00:42:18,577
          [Josh] Thank you.         

851
00:42:18,619 --> 00:42:19,870
      I'm gonna steal this mic      
          and take it home.         

852
00:42:19,912 --> 00:42:21,205
   Be a dear and take those mics.   

853
00:42:21,247 --> 00:42:22,873
   -I'm gonna take this mic home.   
          -Merry Christmas.         

854
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:24,625
           Henry Koperski           
       on that one, everybody.      

855
00:42:27,586 --> 00:42:28,963
                Whoo!               

856
00:42:29,004 --> 00:42:33,133
         Uh. You know what?         

857
00:42:33,175 --> 00:42:36,220
       With friends like that,      
       an audience like this,       

858
00:42:36,262 --> 00:42:38,764
     and a holiday like tonight,    

859
00:42:38,806 --> 00:42:43,435
        I just know that God        
     might be up to his tricks.     

860
00:42:43,477 --> 00:42:48,023
           upbeat music           

861
00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:50,609
          Tell me a story.          

862
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:53,779
          There's a magic boy       
         and his name is God        

863
00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:56,782
         He sits up on a cloud      
       and gets down to his job     

864
00:42:56,824 --> 00:42:58,909
                He says,            
          "Okay, my children        

865
00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:00,411
          Who wants bliss?"        

866
00:43:00,452 --> 00:43:02,454
             Then he cracks         
         his big old knuckles       

867
00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:04,456
            And God gets up         
            to his tricks           

868
00:43:04,498 --> 00:43:07,459
        Let's make the wind blow    
           the snow around          

869
00:43:07,501 --> 00:43:11,213
            Deck the halls         

870
00:43:11,255 --> 00:43:14,550
       Let's fill the children's    
      ears with Christmas sound     

871
00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:17,761
           Because I am God        

872
00:43:17,803 --> 00:43:21,640
         I am real, I am real,      
         I am real, I am real       

873
00:43:21,682 --> 00:43:24,643
            And I'm feeling         
           some type of way         

874
00:43:24,685 --> 00:43:28,022
         Ooh, God, you got up      

875
00:43:28,063 --> 00:43:31,442
            To some fabulous        
           wah-wah-wah-wah          

876
00:43:31,483 --> 00:43:35,195
             Tricks today          

877
00:43:35,237 --> 00:43:39,199
       But did you know that God    
         can also be a bitch?       

878
00:43:39,241 --> 00:43:42,328
      He likes to bring a tragedy   
             at bad times           

879
00:43:42,369 --> 00:43:44,413
              And be like,          
     "You're gonna actually lose    

880
00:43:44,455 --> 00:43:45,956
           Your whole home"        

881
00:43:45,998 --> 00:43:47,625
            And then nothing        
             good happens           

882
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:50,002
        You just lose your home,    
               he says              

883
00:43:50,044 --> 00:43:52,796
        Let's send a phone call     
           with weird news          

884
00:43:52,838 --> 00:43:55,090
       About your mom's health     

885
00:43:55,132 --> 00:43:56,759
               Shoot.               

886
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:59,261
       Let's kill the family dog    
             so suddenly            

887
00:43:59,303 --> 00:44:03,015
      Because life is suffering    

888
00:44:03,057 --> 00:44:06,977
         I am real, I am real,      
         I am real, I am real       

889
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:10,147
            And I'm feeling         
            my oats today           

890
00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:13,859
         Ooh, God, you got up      

891
00:44:13,901 --> 00:44:17,321
          To some nasty little      
         freaky, daddy, ooh!        

892
00:44:17,363 --> 00:44:19,782
             Tricks today          

893
00:44:19,823 --> 00:44:21,700
             Here we go.            

894
00:44:21,742 --> 00:44:25,371
         Sometimes God can send     
         a plentiful blessing       

895
00:44:25,412 --> 00:44:28,707
          God can make us say,      
        "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"       

896
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:32,252
         Sometimes God can try      
      to fuck up your whole life    

897
00:44:32,294 --> 00:44:33,712
        God can make us say...     

898
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:35,673
     "Well, I don't fucking know    
           at this point."          

899
00:44:35,714 --> 00:44:37,383
         But we are grateful       

900
00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:43,389
             For everything         
           he does equally          

901
00:44:43,430 --> 00:44:46,433
             I am a person          
      who actually believes this    

902
00:44:46,475 --> 00:44:48,185
        And in every election      

903
00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:50,270
           I reliably vote         

904
00:44:50,312 --> 00:44:51,814
      Let's sing the sing songs    

905
00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:53,565
         And dance the dance       

906
00:44:53,607 --> 00:44:57,236
           But stop to pray        

907
00:44:57,277 --> 00:44:59,363
          Say thanks for water      
            and thank you           

908
00:44:59,405 --> 00:45:00,864
             For that thing         
            where you get           

909
00:45:00,906 --> 00:45:03,242
      Sudden intense rectal pain  

910
00:45:03,283 --> 00:45:07,413
        He is real, he is real,     
        he is real, he is real      

911
00:45:07,454 --> 00:45:10,416
            And he's feeling        
           some type of way         

912
00:45:10,457 --> 00:45:14,002
         Ooh, God, you got up      

913
00:45:14,044 --> 00:45:17,214
          To some incredible       

914
00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:20,759
             Tricks today          

915
00:45:20,801 --> 00:45:22,720
     Ooh, God, you stupid bitch.    

916
00:45:22,761 --> 00:45:24,847
             You got up to          
             some tricks            

917
00:45:24,888 --> 00:45:28,809
                Today              

918
00:45:35,649 --> 00:45:37,317
      I just want to apologize      
            about earlier           

919
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:39,611
          and thank you all         
   for the hard work that you do.   

920
00:45:39,653 --> 00:45:41,155
      But, since we last spoke      

921
00:45:41,196 --> 00:45:43,198
              and I had             
     my major press appearance,     

922
00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:45,576
      I have turned to prayer.      

923
00:45:45,617 --> 00:45:46,869
      And I don't know if it's      

924
00:45:46,910 --> 00:45:49,079
          all the Christmas         
         in my life lately,         

925
00:45:49,121 --> 00:45:52,916
     but I did just have a very     
     real conversation with God.    

926
00:45:52,958 --> 00:45:55,294
      And what he said to me--      
          and it is a he--          

927
00:45:55,335 --> 00:45:56,962
     so I'm so sorry about that.    

928
00:45:57,004 --> 00:45:58,338
    But he basically said to me--   

929
00:45:58,380 --> 00:45:59,423
     It's a hard no from Mariah.    

930
00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:00,632
          [glass shatters]          

931
00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:04,136
        Uh, how hard is hard?       

932
00:46:04,178 --> 00:46:05,971
          Rock. Rock hard.          

933
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:08,474
        Like, imagine you saw       
      Orlando Bloom at the gym,     

934
00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:11,101
     which I did two weeks ago.     
       I had to leave the gym.      

935
00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:12,936
             -[chuckles]            
     -Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.    

936
00:46:12,978 --> 00:46:14,396
      I'm just--I'm processing.     

937
00:46:14,438 --> 00:46:17,149
       Um, so this whole thing      
              is moot?              

938
00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:18,484
         -It's void, it's...        
             -It's moot.            

939
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:22,237
          [toilet flushes]          

940
00:46:22,279 --> 00:46:25,491
              Gah! Ugh.             

941
00:46:27,367 --> 00:46:30,662
          Oh. I'm so sorry          
           to disturb you.          

942
00:46:31,705 --> 00:46:33,499
                 Hi.                

943
00:46:33,540 --> 00:46:34,833
           I'm Bowen Yang.          
             [chuckles]             

944
00:46:36,168 --> 00:46:37,669
           Bowen, I know.           

945
00:46:37,711 --> 00:46:38,837
           It's me, Matt.           

946
00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:42,132
          Your best friend.         
        And we do a podcast.        

947
00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:43,550
          Oh, I'm so sorry.         
             [chuckles]             

948
00:46:43,592 --> 00:46:45,719
         I can't see a thing        
      without these glasses on.     

949
00:46:45,761 --> 00:46:47,596
    Blind as a bat without them.    

950
00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:50,182
     Little known fact about me,    
            Bowen Yang--            

951
00:46:50,224 --> 00:46:52,267
            without these           
         I can't see at all.        

952
00:46:52,309 --> 00:46:54,812
    Well, you should really wear    
         your glasses, then.        

953
00:46:54,853 --> 00:46:56,355
      I'm hiding from my team.      

954
00:46:56,396 --> 00:46:58,482
       Got a six-hour meeting       
             to go over             

955
00:46:58,524 --> 00:47:01,735
        all my opportunities        
       in film and television.      

956
00:47:01,777 --> 00:47:04,530
       They even want me to do      
         a Christmas album.         

957
00:47:04,571 --> 00:47:06,949
             -[chuckles]            
            -[runs water]           

958
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:09,451
             Wait, what?            

959
00:47:09,493 --> 00:47:11,495
         They want   you   to do        
         a Christmas album?         

960
00:47:11,537 --> 00:47:13,789
        Like, I know, right?        
       Who do they think I am?      

961
00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:16,792
            Some craven,            
       money-hungry fame whore      

962
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:19,044
         who wants attention        
          year after year,          

963
00:47:19,086 --> 00:47:23,048
    benefiting from the Christian   
       industrial complex? No.      

964
00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:24,508
   But I'll probably still do it.   

965
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:29,054
          Because I do know         
   the true meaning of Christmas.   

966
00:47:32,057 --> 00:47:33,809
          Well, what is it?         

967
00:47:33,851 --> 00:47:36,019
           soft music plays ]       

968
00:47:36,061 --> 00:47:37,855
               Family.              

969
00:47:37,896 --> 00:47:39,982
         It's family, Matt.         

970
00:47:40,023 --> 00:47:43,861
                                  

971
00:47:43,902 --> 00:47:45,445
            [door closes]           

972
00:47:45,487 --> 00:47:48,365
         pensive piano music       

973
00:47:48,407 --> 00:47:50,701
                                  

974
00:47:50,742 --> 00:47:52,077
        [whispering] Family.        

975
00:47:55,789 --> 00:47:58,333
      So I have one more song.      

976
00:47:58,375 --> 00:47:59,501
               -Aw...               
                -No!                

977
00:47:59,543 --> 00:48:01,587
            I need to go.           

978
00:48:03,964 --> 00:48:07,593
     Before I do get into it...     

979
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:11,930
   I just wanted to say thank you   
        to, um, a few people.       

980
00:48:11,972 --> 00:48:14,683
     First, I would like to say     
       thank you to all of you      

981
00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:16,894
           for being here.          

982
00:48:16,935 --> 00:48:18,687
       That means a lot to me,      
             so thanks.             

983
00:48:18,729 --> 00:48:22,441
        I want to say thanks        
            to Joe's Pub.           

984
00:48:22,482 --> 00:48:25,402
       It used to be my dream       

985
00:48:25,444 --> 00:48:27,905
              to just,              
       like, see a show here.       

986
00:48:27,946 --> 00:48:31,366
   And then to do my own is cool.   

987
00:48:48,258 --> 00:48:50,510
       I have to say thank you      
          to Henry Koperski         

988
00:48:50,552 --> 00:48:53,847
               because              
         I'm just very lucky        

989
00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:56,391
   to be able to work with someone 
        as brilliant as you,        

990
00:48:56,433 --> 00:48:59,603
   and we've just come a long way, 
   so it's nice to have you here.   

991
00:48:59,645 --> 00:49:02,147
     And I couldn't have done it    
            without you.            

992
00:49:07,903 --> 00:49:12,074
     And this last one is, um...    
             [sniffles]             

993
00:49:12,115 --> 00:49:16,203
    it's just less of a thank you   
       and more of a reminder       

994
00:49:16,244 --> 00:49:19,706
   to not take anybody for granted 

995
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:22,918
        because...[sniffles]        
         there's two people         

996
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:25,754
      that are not here tonight     

997
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:28,674
               because              
      they're just not around.      

998
00:49:28,715 --> 00:49:30,592
      Oh, they are here? Okay.      

999
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:34,680
      [sighs] It's my parents.      
       And they're here, yeah.      

1000
00:49:38,308 --> 00:49:40,852
       I did tell you to text       
       if you were gonna come.      

1001
00:49:43,021 --> 00:49:45,023
             Do the one             
       about them being alive.      

1002
00:49:47,359 --> 00:49:49,903
     They have given me so much.    

1003
00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:53,448
        And I thought the way       
    that I could truly repay you    

1004
00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:56,243
       was by using my talent       
       to give you something.       

1005
00:49:56,284 --> 00:49:59,663
          So this is a song         
     that I wrote just for you.     

1006
00:50:03,125 --> 00:50:06,920
      How did I get this lucky?    

1007
00:50:06,962 --> 00:50:08,463
            How did I get          

1008
00:50:08,505 --> 00:50:13,135
            The best parents        
            in the world?           

1009
00:50:13,176 --> 00:50:17,723
                                 

1010
00:50:17,764 --> 00:50:19,725
           My sister and me        

1011
00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:24,771
           We were drawn out        
             the lottery            

1012
00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:29,860
        Bet your bottom dollar,     
              yeah, yeah            

1013
00:50:29,901 --> 00:50:33,363
                Mm mm              

1014
00:50:33,405 --> 00:50:37,409
        And you still love her     

1015
00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:41,413
        And you still love me      

1016
00:50:41,455 --> 00:50:45,250
      And you still make it rain  

1017
00:50:45,292 --> 00:50:50,088
             On Christmas          

1018
00:50:50,130 --> 00:50:54,843
           You always have         

1019
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:58,513
            A check for me         

1020
00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:02,100
        You still make it rain     

1021
00:51:02,142 --> 00:51:06,438
             On Christmas          

1022
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:09,733
               Rainin'             

1023
00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:14,446
        All over your gay son      

1024
00:51:14,488 --> 00:51:17,282
              Every year           

1025
00:51:17,324 --> 00:51:21,787
         You take me vacation      

1026
00:51:21,828 --> 00:51:24,164
              I love you           

1027
00:51:24,206 --> 00:51:28,752
         Don't ever get poor       

1028
00:51:28,794 --> 00:51:32,130
              I need $60           

1029
00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:33,465
             [chuckles]             

1030
00:51:33,507 --> 00:51:35,801
       It's for my Verizon bill    

1031
00:51:35,842 --> 00:51:37,177
          'Cause you're here       

1032
00:51:37,219 --> 00:51:38,929
              I thought I           
          would just say...         

1033
00:51:38,970 --> 00:51:41,223
              [laughs]              

1034
00:51:41,264 --> 00:51:44,726
       Otherwise you can save up    
           for my birthday          

1035
00:51:44,768 --> 00:51:48,438
         'Cause I need a coat      

1036
00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:52,651
         I would like a coat       

1037
00:51:52,692 --> 00:51:55,821
        You still make it rain     

1038
00:51:55,862 --> 00:51:59,825
             On Christmas          

1039
00:51:59,866 --> 00:52:03,495
              You always           

1040
00:52:03,537 --> 00:52:07,833
       Cut that fat fucking check   
                for me              

1041
00:52:07,874 --> 00:52:11,169
        You still make it rain     

1042
00:52:11,211 --> 00:52:15,841
             On Christmas          

1043
00:52:15,882 --> 00:52:18,677
               Rainin'             

1044
00:52:18,718 --> 00:52:23,181
        All over your gay son      

1045
00:52:23,223 --> 00:52:26,351
       Do you remember the year    

1046
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:29,813
               You got me           
           a PlayStation 2?         

1047
00:52:29,855 --> 00:52:31,356
     When it has just come out.     

1048
00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:33,150
              I love you           

1049
00:52:33,191 --> 00:52:38,363
         Don't ever get poor       

1050
00:52:38,405 --> 00:52:42,450
      But, seriously, I love you  

1051
00:52:42,492 --> 00:52:45,537
         And I would be nothing     
             without you            

1052
00:52:45,579 --> 00:52:49,791
          And if I'm any good       
             at being me            

1053
00:52:49,833 --> 00:52:52,711
        It's 'cause all my life     
             I could see            

1054
00:52:52,752 --> 00:52:56,173
              Two people           

1055
00:52:56,214 --> 00:53:00,010
         Who knew how to save      

1056
00:53:00,051 --> 00:53:04,639
        And thank God you did      

1057
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:07,642
       Because I think I need you   
              to pay for            

1058
00:53:07,684 --> 00:53:11,730
             My therapist          

1059
00:53:11,771 --> 00:53:14,983
        You still make it rain     

1060
00:53:15,025 --> 00:53:18,778
             On Christmas          

1061
00:53:18,820 --> 00:53:22,741
            You always cut         

1062
00:53:22,782 --> 00:53:26,411
         That fat fucking check     
                for me              

1063
00:53:26,453 --> 00:53:28,747
        You still make it rain     

1064
00:53:28,788 --> 00:53:33,585
             On Christmas          

1065
00:53:33,627 --> 00:53:36,296
               Rainin'             

1066
00:53:36,338 --> 00:53:40,634
      All over your only gay son  

1067
00:53:40,675 --> 00:53:44,304
      And every year you take me  

1068
00:53:44,346 --> 00:53:47,307
      On a sick Orlando vacation  

1069
00:53:47,349 --> 00:53:49,768
            Oh, I love you         

1070
00:53:49,809 --> 00:53:55,106
         Don't ever get poor       

1071
00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:57,025
              I love you           

1072
00:53:57,067 --> 00:54:02,864
          Please do your best       
         to never become poor       

1073
00:54:02,906 --> 00:54:05,116
              I love you           

1074
00:54:05,158 --> 00:54:08,245
            Don't ever get         

1075
00:54:08,286 --> 00:54:13,250
                Po-oo              

1076
00:54:13,291 --> 00:54:17,796
                Ooooor             

1077
00:54:17,837 --> 00:54:22,968
        [cheers and applause]       

1078
00:54:23,009 --> 00:54:25,971
           upbeat piano           

1079
00:54:26,012 --> 00:54:31,309
                                 

1080
00:55:09,723 --> 00:55:13,018
       [piano music continues]      

1081
00:55:13,059 --> 00:55:18,023
                                 

1082
00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:40,503
        cheerful, jaunty music     

1083
00:55:40,545 --> 00:55:45,425
                                  

1084
00:56:55,203 --> 00:56:59,457
        -[electricity crackling]     
            -[flies buzzing]