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"O Come All Ye Faithful" playing
[low background chatter]
[music livens]
[rolling piano chords]
[loud cheers and applause]
[tinkling piano notes]
It's been months now I'm finally ready
To get back in the game
To connect in a dark corner
And then forget your name
I see my breath in the air before me
But that's not 'cause it's cold
Your body moves and it tells a story
That's been dying to be told
In the dark of the night
I feel like I've been locked up tight
For centuries
That's history
Want you to make me come alive
- Also, it's Christmas -[cheers and applause]
Did I mention that it's Christmas in this club?
Also, it's Christmas
Tonight is the night we celebrate his son
It's Christmas, yeah, yeah, yeah
Christmas
It's Christmas
Everyone, tonight, it is Christmas.
[audience whooping]
I walk up to a gay stranger
I whisper right in his ear
Some small talk
Say, "It's been a warm winter
But it's warmer in here"
With your hands, with your eyes
You speak to me without your voice
Intoxicate, alleviate
I want to feel you from inside
- Also, it's Christmas -[cheers and applause]
It is December 25th, that is today
Also, it's Christmas
Now every year
They will play this song seasonally
On Christmas, yeah, yeah, yeah
Christmas
Oh!
Late at night we can take advantage
Of this situation
We're both here
Let's let go of whatever we fear
Let's have sex is what I'm getting at
But shh, do you hear that sound?
The sound of children opening gifts?
Oh!
Also, it's Christmas
Do you still want to fuck or is it weird?
Also, it's Christmas
I forgot to mention
That my sister and her kids are here
For Christmas
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Christmas
Christmah-ah
Ah-ahs
Merry Christmas
[cheers and applause]
Hi.
My name is Matt Rogers, and I am thrilled
to be releasing an album on Christmas.
Team Matt Rogers.
As you've been made aware over an all-caps email
that I sent you all, we're gonna be pivoting
from comedy and acting to recording artist.
I think we can all agree that's gonna be a lot easier.
And my question is what do recording artists do?
-Movies. -No.
-Pilot? -No.
They release Christmas albums.
Mm.
That is how you stay annually relevant
and make money every single year.
Money is a really good point.
I think we can all agree, money.
So massive rebrand.
I want to be synonymous with the color red,
the festivity scenes that you see in the mall
or in front of people's houses, Santa Claus--
You know, I believe some nations
will call him Papa Christmas.
We should find that out for international.
Snow. Huge.
Yeah, so I love it. I think our one concern
was just that you're not a pop star,
which would make it difficult to just sort of put out
a Christmas album. But I do love and think
-that it otherwise works. -[snaps fingers]
Way ahead of you as always.
When we think of Christmas and money,
where are we headed? What's our North Pole?
North star, I think you mean actually.
Mariah. She is Christmas.
She is the authority on this holiday.
So we need her to come out,
crown me the prince of Christmas--
Easy. Done. The whole special makes sense.
So are you saying you want us to book
Mariah Carey for the special?
Yes.
Excited to brainstorm ways to make this work.
[knocks on table]
Who thinks they know the story of Santa Claus?
Well, think again.
Every year
The story is always the same
There's too many presents
To fit in the big bag on the sleigh
Shoot
And every year
Santa knows just what to say
When all of the elves claim
The bag's way too tight
And maybe we shouldn't do this tonight
Santa gets crafty 'cause Santa knows
He goes to his tool shed
He goes to get the lube
For the sleigh
Nobody asks why Santa has so much lube
Lube for the sleigh
The lube
For the sleigh
Break out the gun oil and fire away
Cover the presents in lube
Lube for the sleigh
-[music livens] -It's about to be
a disco Christmas, motherfuckers.
Are you ready?
This year
The kids have been extra good
There's so many presents
So there's gonna be so much lube
Elves break their backs making presents all year
But this Christmas they don't have to fear
Because there's lube
For the sleigh
It sort of makes sense
But it's weird to think about
Because Santa's old, right?
He needs lube for his sleigh
The lube
For the sle-eigh-eigh-eigh
Santa saves Christmas then dicks down his wife
Lube on the presents tonight
Lube for the sleigh
And in the midnight hour
On one of Santa's breaks
Donner and Blitzen
They find themselves all alone
And in a moment of pure attraction
That's when those reindeers recognize
"Oh, my God, we really are animals
"Thank God we have
Lu-u-u-u-ube
Lube, oh, ah, oh, oh
There's lube, oh, ah, oh, oh
The luuuuuube
Ooh oooh hoo
Lube, oh, ah, oh, oh
- There's lube -[all] Oh, ah, oh, oh
Lu-uu
Uuube
Nobody asks why Santa
Has so much lube
Lube
For the sleigh
[cheers and applause]
The man has many secrets. More on him later.
We're some lucky individuals as well,
because we are joined
by the talented Henry Koperski on the keys.
My collaborator on this show. My friend.
I want to start the following speech
with simply two words.
Human connection.
[soft piano music starts]
We've lost it.
Somewhere along the way,
human connection has faltered among us.
Now, I don't know about you,
but I wait all year for Christmas
because I think it's an opportunity
to connect with one another in the name of the spirit.
But lately,
when I'm walking these streets of New York,
I find that in my attempts
to connect with people on the street,
I fail.
I'll be walking by a stranger
and I'll try to find their eyes.
I'll try to say, "Hello!"
And they'll walk right by me.
And we miss each other.
And I'm discouraged by it, you know?
It distresses me.
I want it to change.
That's why tonight I'm issuing a challenge.
The next time you are walking the streets of New York,
I want you to go up to a stranger,
grab them by the shoulders, and shake them.
And I want you to ask them a question.
I want you to ask them this question.
Have you heard of
Christmas?
Have you heard of
Christmas?
Sometimes it feels like you don't know
What Christmas is
At all
Have you heard of Christmas?
Have you heard of
[mutters, shivers]
Day after day
We turn the channels
And we try to tune it out
That sound of pain
That we cause to each other
At times it can feel
Like we're fighting just to reach out
And feel something
It's like we've forgotten
That one thing we all have in common
Have you heard of Christmas?
It's when children gather round
Have you heard of Christmas?
[chuckles]
We all know that Christmas sound
Christmas sounds like ooh, ooh, ooh
Have you heard of Christmas?
You know, some people say
We've lost the meaning
Of what Christmas is all about
I would have to agree
And we can't let politics or religion
Nothing stand in our way
Of celebrating Christmas now
I absolutely know what Christmas is
Yes, I do
And I'm gonna tell you all about it
Have you heard of Christmas? Uh
It's the day that Jesus died
Have you heard of Christmas?
That was the night
That those five disciples cried
They cried together like, ooh, ooh, ooh
The dolls, they were crying.
The dolls were like, "Ooh, ooh, ooh"
Have you heard of Christmas?
Santa and Jesus
They were best, best friends
They knew each other
Way back in college at Bethlehem
They knew each other like ooh, ooh, ooh
They were like Ooh, ooh, ooh
Honestly, I have not been to church
In a very long
Tiiiiiiime
[cheers and applause]
Have you heard of Christmas?
It's when Moses did the lake
Have you heard of Christmas?
That was the night
That they made St. Nick a saint
Have you heard of Christmas?
That's when Noah built his boat
Have you heard of Christmas?
It's when you see that cousin
That you wanna fuck but you don't
Sometimes it can feel like you don't know
What Christmas is at all
And I will admit that I do not know
What Christmas is
At all
But I've heard of Christmas
We have all...
At least heard of
Christmas
And suddenly it seems
We all have something in common after all
Have you heard of Christmas?
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh
[Katie 1] Okay. Okay.
What if we tricked her into thinking
-you're Billy Eichner? -I'm me.
Why would I want to be fucking Billy Eichner?
He's so loud.
She already has a Christmas gay and it's him.
[Matt] I am the Christmas gay!
Okay, I'm not saying that we kidnap her.
But what if we hire someone to get her?
Oh, what, so I can be famous from jail?
What is it, 2008? That's not chic anymore.
[Katie 4] Wait, speaking of 2008,
Jessica Simpson is in the lobby right now.
She would love to do it.
She put out a Christmas album once.
No. Tell her thank you, but no.
Hey, Mama...
[door closes] It's a no this year.
Girls, I have a major press event in an hour.
I have to leave. But none of this works
unless Mariah Carey herself, the queen of Christmas,
anoints me the prince.
Okay? It has to happen.
That has to happen.
dramatic chords
And now, a spoken word moment.
[softly] Where are you, Christmas?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter you used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?
My world is changing.
I'm rearranging.
Does that mean
Christmas changes too?
Please clap.
Thank you. I just performed
that poem terrifically.
But here's the thing about performance--
a performer is only as good
as the material that he, she, or they are given to perform.
And I would like to make an announcement
about that piece.
It was written by none other than Mariah Carey.
It's entitled "Where Are You Christmas?"
And you may recognize it
from the seminal Christmas classic
Grinch.
So this poem or song
that's featured in the film Grinch,
Mariah was commissioned to write it
because the filmmakers of Grinch, Jim Carrey,
they said,
"Mariah, what we need is we need a song
from the perspective of young Cindy Lou Who."
I do this 'cause she's about that tall.
"We need a song that says something
about seeing, as you mature, Christmas change--
the meaning of Christmas become a little bit different
as you get older."
So impressed were the filmmakers of Grinch--
Jim Carrey-- that they said to Mariah,
"Could you potentially write more songs
from other characters' perspective in the film?"
And Mariah said, "I'll take that on."
And so she watched and early rough cut
of the film Grinch.
And she immediately connected
with one character in particular.
That character's name is Martha May Whovier.
She is, of course, the only single adult woman
in all of Whoville.
She's portrayed by the very sexy actress
Christine Baranski in the film.
Christine hive is here. We love.
And so she wrote a song that was ultimately cut.
Now, while I'm not permitted to perform
"Where Are You Christmas?"
or "All I Want for Christmas is You" tonight,
Mariah did make an exception
for this cut song from Grinch the film
because she never recorded it.
I will be the first to perform it here tonight.
Are you amenable to that?
Fantastic, as they say.
Now, in order to sort of get into it--
I'm sorry, actor thing--
I do have to sort of become her.
So just give me a second to become her.
soft piano notes
Perfect, I'd say.
So what we are going for here
is sort of a MILF with no kids look.
I would like everyone to remember
that this song was written in the year 2000
when Mariah was beginning to experiment
with her new sound of R&B music.
Character met form, and the following happened.
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Got this jacuzzi runnin'
Hottest female up in the land
Oh, oh
I think your wife is callin'
I'm the Who who's screwin' her man
Mad drippage down my neck, that's my Who jewels
These men are dialin' up, actin' straight fools
He wants some Martha May Who
That's why he's not witchu
I'm the only hot Who up in Whoville
Men know if their wife won't I will
He's tryna get this Martha May Who
Whoville sex is what I do
Courvosier by the case straight killa
Ice pussy, I'm the Whoville thrilla
I heard there's a Grinch
I'ma definitely fuck this Grinch
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Got this jacuzzi runnin'
Hottest female up in the land
Oh, oh
My wardrobe looks stunnin'
I'ma absolutely fuck the Grinch
And I can't help that men like me
Y'all chickens giving me side eye
But I know if you got to know me
You would surely be surprised
Something that I desperately crave
Is female friendship
If you actually think about it
This situation is very, very sad
Courvosier by the case straight killa
Ice pussy, I'm the Whoville thrilla
And I know when I see this Grinch
His dick is 'bout to grow three sizes
If you relate to this character
You can probably understand me when I say
It's hard to call myself a feminist
Because of the social climate
In which I exist
Ah ah ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
end chords
Uh, can't take credit for that one.
Mariah Carey wrote that. Can't possibly take credit.
So, while I am sort of
embodying the female characters of the Christmas lore,
I think I'd like to keep doing that.
Um...
I think we can all probably agree
that the most famous Christmas female
-is probably Mrs. Claus, right? -[applause]
Yeah, we all know her.
Or do we?
We know an idea of her. We could draw her.
But do we know...
Kristin?
Kristin Giordano.
Of Syosset, New York.
In the words of Mariah, we don't know her.
And I think that's sad.
I mean, she is this female icon of Christmas
that we pretend to celebrate,
and I just think it's wrong
that we know nothing about her true story.
So I took it upon myself as a musical artist...
...to sit down and really just put pen to paper
and try to draw out a person that made sense to me
based on the information that we do have.
gentle piano chords
You've been bad
I know that when you
And your reindeer boys gear up
That you'll look back
You'll say, "It's 24 hours. I'll see ya later"
But I did the math
I bet you thought that I would not be
Capable of that
But I bought a calculator
And it would take
Five hundred and thirty trillion
Seven hundred and forty-five billion
Two hundred and thirty-three million hours
To see every house in the world
So where do you go when you leave?
Every Christmas Eve
Because I know you are lying to me
Santa Claus, you got caught
Where do you go when you leave?
Every Christmas Eve
Every Christmas I sit at home
I'm wondering which one
Which of the world's nations houses the woman
Who stole my husband, stole my whole life
There are so many nations, I read
There's eight hundred and forty-five thousand billion
Twenty-two million, two hundred six thousand
Twenty eight trillion and two hundred billion
Countries in the world
So where do you go when you leave?
Every Christmas Eve
Because I know you are lying to me, Nick
I looked it up.
Santa "Claus," you got caught
Where do you go when you leave?
Every Christmas Eve
You used to teach second grade
I used to think you never even really had
Dreams at all before this
I didn't go to college out of high school
I went to the North Pole
But still I stay the course
Because if I left
What would the whole world say?
But I think I'm leaving you anyway
'Cause there are
Six hundred and ninety-eight billion billion
Forty and two and six-ninety fafillion
Other men in the world
And if that sounds wrong, I don't care
They won't lie to me when they leave
Not every Christmas Eve
Like I know you've been lying to me
Santa Claus, you got caught
[loudly] Where do you go when you leave
Every Christmas Eve?
From now on you're done hurting me
Every Christmas Eve
[softly] I did the math
I bet you thought that I would not be
Capable of that
end chords
You know, I have a feeling her instincts are right.
Her math is definitely wrong.
Um, at this time,
I would like to address sort of an elephant in the room.
The elephant is currently playing piano.
His name is Henry Koperski. Give it up one more time.
The truth is
that Henry and I used to be a little bit of an item.
We used to be a little bit of a thing for two and a half years.
Um...
Henry's a lovely person, but it had to end
because the thing about Henry-- can you put ear muffs?
Ear muffs.
The thing about Henry is he didn't fucking get it.
Who is dating someone
and they just don't fucking get it?
You guys know what I'm saying? They don't fucking get it.
It's, like, you just--
there's parts of it that are good,
you want to make it work,
and--but they just don't fucking get it.
And where do you go from there?
It's just, like-- you can take them off now.
He would take me to these fucked up
stupid fucking places.
I was like, "What kind of girl do you think I am?"
Like, the way he's, like, taking me to these joints--
like, he just didn't get it.
And so I forced him to write a song with me
about our relationship,
and we're gonna perform it right here.
Here we go.
[vocalizes]
Yeah, yeah
funky music
Ooh
Heard you say you had a surprise
A reservation really nice?
No
And ooh why you tryna mess around?
Why you taking me downtown?
No, no
Because I'm dressed up
Not nice but warm
If you wanna marry me
You better listen to this
So-oo-oo-oo-ong
I wanna go where they film mad things
Bump into people accidentally
At RockafellaCenta
Yes, yes
RockafellaCenta
I wanna watch the people ice skating
Look up at a tree that is so big
At RockafellaCenta, you know the one
RockafellaCenta [gasps]
I wanna see Jimmy Fallon come out the building
Because that's where he works
I wanna see Al Roker come out the building
Because that's where he works
I wanna see Jenna Bush Hager
Come out the building
Because that's where she works
And I wanna see the big, the big, the big
The big, big, big tree, tree at RockafellaCenta
Is that Hoda?
RockafellaCenta, it is Hoda
RockafellaCenta, uh
Wish I could live at the Centa
Hi, girl.
It's mostly about the tree
That's what it's really about for me
Tree at RockafellaCenta
Mikey Day?
RockafellaCenta
God bless RockafellaCenta
- Rockafella... -[all] Centa.
Centa
-[bell rings] -All right, guys,
so today, instead of reading,
we're gonna do a little Christmas treat, okay?
We have a really special guest coming in.
Is it Santa Claus?
Ho, ho.
The fuck's that?
Y'all, it's Matt Rogers, Christmas icon.
Ho, ho!
It's actually-- there's three "hos"
Like, it's, like, "ho, ho, ho."
Ho.
Got all excited for Santa
or at least someone pretending to be Santa.
Even if Santa's...
Yeah, we don't need to say it.
[student] Yeah.
Okay, well, thank you, Miss Peters
for allowing me to come in here today
and give you little ones a special gift.
Little ones? We're ten. Don't be condescending.
Okay, um...
Well...
I am a recording artist.
Does anybody know what that means?
Yes.
Evidently, it's someone who talks down to people
like they're fools.
Okay, seriously, what is the problem here?
Because, um...
did you not tell them what was happening?
No.
I'm like a huge fan of the podcast.
Miss Peters, you are so basic.
Stop. You embarrass yourself.
Thank you for that.
Okay, well, everyone, I'm a singer.
And I've been thinking a lot about you kids nowadays.
Because I think it stinks
that there are so many Christmas songs
but there are no Christmas lullabies.
-Jesus! -[groans]
So what I did is I wrote a Christmas lullaby,
and I'm gonna debut it for you all right now.
[chuckles]
Yes, little queen.
So can I just ask,
is this a press opportunity for you?
'Cause coming here with a camera crew and everything,
telling us you're gonna give us a gift--
your energy's very selfish.
I'm feeling a little...used.
Yeah, like, do your thing. You're already here.
But we just want to get real clear
about the fact that this is for you
and not a "gift" for us before you do your little song.
Clown.
Okay.
Well, this song is called "Snowflakes,"
and it goes a little something like this.
- Ooh, s-- -Uh, excuse me.
It's a chop.
But whatever you're looking for,
we hope you find it.
[shudders] Ooh! Ohh!
Suddenly, it just got very cold on stage.
You know? It's very cold. Henry, aren't you cold?
Do brr. Do brr. Act.
Man, it's so chilly.
I think what I might need is some body heat up here.
So I'm gonna invite a couple of my friends.
Everybody give it up
for the talented Josh Sharp and Aaron Jackson!
You were there the whole time?
Thanks for coming to the show, doll.
Hi.
-Wow! -Thanks for being
-on the show, guys. -Merry Christmas.
[together] Merry Christmas.
So, wait, let's just get into it, shall we?
The question on everyone's minds and lips...
[Aaron] Yeah.
What are you guys doing for the holidays?
Are you going back home and seeing some family?
-[both] Yes. -Is that what's happening?
-Absolutely. -[Aaron] That's happening.
My family actually has this really fun tradition.
-Okay. -Every Christmas we do, um,
a White Elephant gift exchange.
-I love that. -I love White Elephant
'cause you can do the trade--
-The stealing, yes. -The steals.
Yeah, I love to steal.
And, um, it's so interesting, though,
because, like, every year I'll be opening a present--
I'll be opening mine, and, you know, I'll, like,
hold out, you know, the socks or something funny like that.
-Yeah. -And then everyone
in the family will turn to me,
and they'll look at me and they'll say,
"In your relationship,
who is the man and who is the woman?"
-Well, that seems... -I don't like that.
-Random. -It's so crazy.
And I'm like, "First of all,
we prefer the terms hole and pole."
But I just wanna say, I really love the tradition
and I love the White Elephant. -[Matt] Of course.
Uh, my family actually has a tradition, too.
-[Aaron] Oh! -[Matt] Okay.
So we do this thing where we eat a meal.
-Oh, my gosh. -Classic.
Yes, it's like this big meal. And there's, like--
everybody's there and there's all these sides.
But I find that always, like, I'm, like, digging into the--
you know, the Christmas turkey...
-Yeah. -And I'm, like, sucking out--
I've got the big leg in my mouth and they're like,
"Is this what sucking a cock is like?" they say to me.
-[Aaron] Oh, my God. -Hello, microaggression.
Right. Very microaggressive.
-Very microaggressive. -And I'm like,
"First of all, no. Cocks aren't cooked."
-Yeah. -Duh.
-Famously raw. -Oh, the rawest.
And then also, they don't ask it
of anyone else, and I'm like,
"A lot of these girls suck cock.
Quite frankly, I'm not the only one."
-[Matt] They do. -But they ask only me that.
I would imagine they suck cock.
But the meal is so fun.
-[Aaron] Yum. -And there's so many
kids there.
There are so many kids. It's mostly kids.
Yeah, um, so for me, I guess--
-Oh, my God, Matt. -Matt, oh, my God.
-Don't cry. -What's up?
It's just been really hard for me
with my extended family and the climate.
And just, like-- I don't know, girls.
Hey, girl, what's the matter?
Feels like you done lost that shine
-[mouthing] I did? -[Josh] It's like every
Year when Christmas comes around
You always lose your mind
Is it your job or your man or your occupation
That's getting you down?
We're your girls
You can tell us now
Well, first let me say
You are my very best friends
And I know that when you address me as girl
You know that I'm a man
[together] Yeah, yeah
But, honestly, this Christmas
I am feeling kind of strange
I don't wanna hear my relatives say
[together] We think you're wrong
We think that you're not right
You're liberal and gay
And we don't wanna hear a thing you say
Hey, girl, and, of course, I mean man
I know where you're at
But I promise you that whatever goes down
I'ma have your back
Oh, my God.
[together] I'ma have your back
This Christmas
I'll be by your side
I'ma have your back this Christmas
And for all your life
Even if they try to tell you
Donald Trump is still president
And they do.
And you pop off and they kick you out
[together] I'ma have your back
Ooh, girl, that makes me feel so good
You are my support system
Please plan for me to come to your house
I hate my fucking family
And I'm gonna fight with them
Hey, girl, and, of course, I mean man
Yeah, yeah
Just remember that you aren't
- Necessarily... -[together] Right or wrong
There are always two sides
And even though you're gay
It doesn't mean they're antagonizing
Girl, I see your perspective
But if I don't like one thing that my uncle says
I'ma burn his house down
And you will have my back, here we go
I'ma have your back this Christmas
I'll be by your side
I'ma have your back this Christmas
And for all your life
Even if I go on a full-on rampage
'Cause of a political disagreement
You will tell the police I was at your house
You will have my back
[both] Girl, no
We will not lie to the police
-What? - I'm your friend
But I won't go to jail for you
-[Josh] Not again, Mama. -Some friends.
- But, girl... - But girl...
And by girl I mean--
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
If there's a way to get away with arson
Then tell us what we gotta do
First you gotta wait
-Till they're on... -[together] Vacation
Then you sneak inside the house
You get a pickle jar
And some newspaper laying around
- Mama, write this down -Okay.
The you gotta fill the pickle jar with...
[together] Water
You surround it with the newspaper
You put it in a sunny room
And say, "Bitch, see you later"
[together] "I'ma have your back
This Christmas
I'll be by your side
I'ma have your back this Christmas
And for all your life
I will not go to prison for you
But I can help you do your thing
And burn
- Burn - Burn
Down a house
Ooh, girl
We are men, we are men, we are men, we are men
I'ma have
Your back
We are
Radical
Ized
Josh Sharp, Aaron Jackson, everybody.
[Josh] Thank you.
I'm gonna steal this mic and take it home.
Be a dear and take those mics.
-I'm gonna take this mic home. -Merry Christmas.
Henry Koperski on that one, everybody.
Whoo!
Uh. You know what?
With friends like that, an audience like this,
and a holiday like tonight,
I just know that God might be up to his tricks.
upbeat music
Tell me a story.
There's a magic boy and his name is God
He sits up on a cloud and gets down to his job
He says, "Okay, my children
Who wants bliss?"
Then he cracks his big old knuckles
And God gets up to his tricks
Let's make the wind blow the snow around
Deck the halls
Let's fill the children's ears with Christmas sound
Because I am God
I am real, I am real, I am real, I am real
And I'm feeling some type of way
Ooh, God, you got up
To some fabulous wah-wah-wah-wah
Tricks today
But did you know that God can also be a bitch?
He likes to bring a tragedy at bad times
And be like, "You're gonna actually lose
Your whole home"
And then nothing good happens
You just lose your home, he says
Let's send a phone call with weird news
About your mom's health
Shoot.
Let's kill the family dog so suddenly
Because life is suffering
I am real, I am real, I am real, I am real
And I'm feeling my oats today
Ooh, God, you got up
To some nasty little freaky, daddy, ooh!
Tricks today
Here we go.
Sometimes God can send a plentiful blessing
God can make us say, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"
Sometimes God can try to fuck up your whole life
God can make us say...
"Well, I don't fucking know at this point."
But we are grateful
For everything he does equally
I am a person who actually believes this
And in every election
I reliably vote
Let's sing the sing songs
And dance the dance
But stop to pray
Say thanks for water and thank you
For that thing where you get
Sudden intense rectal pain
He is real, he is real, he is real, he is real
And he's feeling some type of way
Ooh, God, you got up
To some incredible
Tricks today
Ooh, God, you stupid bitch.
You got up to some tricks
Today
I just want to apologize about earlier
and thank you all for the hard work that you do.
But, since we last spoke
and I had my major press appearance,
I have turned to prayer.
And I don't know if it's
all the Christmas in my life lately,
but I did just have a very real conversation with God.
And what he said to me-- and it is a he--
so I'm so sorry about that.
But he basically said to me--
It's a hard no from Mariah.
[glass shatters]
Uh, how hard is hard?
Rock. Rock hard.
Like, imagine you saw Orlando Bloom at the gym,
which I did two weeks ago. I had to leave the gym.
-[chuckles] -Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm just--I'm processing.
Um, so this whole thing is moot?
-It's void, it's... -It's moot.
[toilet flushes]
Gah! Ugh.
Oh. I'm so sorry to disturb you.
Hi.
I'm Bowen Yang. [chuckles]
Bowen, I know.
It's me, Matt.
Your best friend. And we do a podcast.
Oh, I'm so sorry. [chuckles]
I can't see a thing without these glasses on.
Blind as a bat without them.
Little known fact about me, Bowen Yang--
without these I can't see at all.
Well, you should really wear your glasses, then.
I'm hiding from my team.
Got a six-hour meeting to go over
all my opportunities in film and television.
They even want me to do a Christmas album.
-[chuckles] -[runs water]
Wait, what?
They want you to do a Christmas album?
Like, I know, right? Who do they think I am?
Some craven, money-hungry fame whore
who wants attention year after year,
benefiting from the Christian industrial complex? No.
But I'll probably still do it.
Because I do know the true meaning of Christmas.
Well, what is it?
soft music plays ]
Family.
It's family, Matt.
[door closes]
pensive piano music
[whispering] Family.
So I have one more song.
-Aw... -No!
I need to go.
Before I do get into it...
I just wanted to say thank you to, um, a few people.
First, I would like to say thank you to all of you
for being here.
That means a lot to me, so thanks.
I want to say thanks to Joe's Pub.
It used to be my dream
to just, like, see a show here.
And then to do my own is cool.
I have to say thank you to Henry Koperski
because I'm just very lucky
to be able to work with someone as brilliant as you,
and we've just come a long way, so it's nice to have you here.
And I couldn't have done it without you.
And this last one is, um... [sniffles]
it's just less of a thank you and more of a reminder
to not take anybody for granted
because...[sniffles] there's two people
that are not here tonight
because they're just not around.
Oh, they are here? Okay.
[sighs] It's my parents. And they're here, yeah.
I did tell you to text if you were gonna come.
Do the one about them being alive.
They have given me so much.
And I thought the way that I could truly repay you
was by using my talent to give you something.
So this is a song that I wrote just for you.
How did I get this lucky?
How did I get
The best parents in the world?
My sister and me
We were drawn out the lottery
Bet your bottom dollar, yeah, yeah
Mm mm
And you still love her
And you still love me
And you still make it rain
On Christmas
You always have
A check for me
You still make it rain
On Christmas
Rainin'
All over your gay son
Every year
You take me vacation
I love you
Don't ever get poor
I need $60
[chuckles]
It's for my Verizon bill
'Cause you're here
I thought I would just say...
[laughs]
Otherwise you can save up for my birthday
'Cause I need a coat
I would like a coat
You still make it rain
On Christmas
You always
Cut that fat fucking check for me
You still make it rain
On Christmas
Rainin'
All over your gay son
Do you remember the year
You got me a PlayStation 2?
When it has just come out.
I love you
Don't ever get poor
But, seriously, I love you
And I would be nothing without you
And if I'm any good at being me
It's 'cause all my life I could see
Two people
Who knew how to save
And thank God you did
Because I think I need you to pay for
My therapist
You still make it rain
On Christmas
You always cut
That fat fucking check for me
You still make it rain
On Christmas
Rainin'
All over your only gay son
And every year you take me
On a sick Orlando vacation
Oh, I love you
Don't ever get poor
I love you
Please do your best to never become poor
I love you
Don't ever get
Po-oo
Ooooor
[cheers and applause]
upbeat piano
[piano music continues]
cheerful, jaunty music
-[electricity crackling] -[flies buzzing]