Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
HOST: Put your hands together for Miz Cracker everybody. Come on!
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -[EDM MUSIC PLAYING]
[SHOUTS] She's the woman!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
She's the woman. I'm a woman.
Uh! Do I like to start a comedy set with a nice, big...
-[CLICKS TONGUE] Lie. Um. Hello, everybody. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My name is Miz Cracker. Hold for applause.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Do you like my dress? Do you like this thing?
I'm wearing perfume, as if you can smell it. So just know that, okay?
I'm doing that for you tonight.
And I appreciate your applause so much, but you know what?
Let's forget about me for a second, because
all of y'all have been through the perils of 2020,
and the misery of 2021.
And you made it out here to Tribeca
to see a show tonight. So give yourselves a round of applause.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Wow, you were more generous with yourselves than you were with me.
I see how it is. But, no. You deserve that.
You know, because this whole past year
has been so...
I don't know. What's the word?
-Disappointing, I guess. Um... -[MAN LAUGHS]
It's like, when you meet a hot guy,
and you work up the courage to give him your number,
and you're waiting on that first text,
and it finally shows up,
-but it shows up green. You know? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Feel me?
You're like, "Who's gonna buy me stuff? No!"
You know.
So disappointing.
But tonight is different. You know, I love everything about tonight.
I love the fact that we can gather again
so I can see all of your beautiful faces, everybody.
-Oh, my goodness. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Especially your beautiful face.
You are absolutely stunning.
I was, like, I have the biggest hair tonight. That was my...
You've blown me out of the water. So I'm gonna bully you tonight,
I'm gonna bother you. If you don't mind.
Okay? In a nice way, okay? Um, thank you for being here.
Thank all of you for being here. It means so much to me.
I love that we're here together.
I love the fact that it's a special night for me.
So, from all over the country
my best friends came here,
and I don't wanna put the spotlight on them
because they're not show people, but, um.
Anxiety, Paranoia, Depression, thank you.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you, so much for making it. You never miss a show,
and we love that.
All right? Always with me.
But above all, this is the number one thing I love.
I love that after everything we have been through,
after everything
-the Lord has thrown in our direction. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We are still here in New York, motherfucking, City everybody.
-Whoo! -[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
You can't get rid of us.
You know, I love fucking living in the city.
I would never wanna live anywhere else.
But, of course, every New Yorker has someone in their life
that's trying to convince them to move elsewhere.
You know what I'm saying? Like for me,
it's my sister.
My sister, the other day she called, and she was like,
"Oh, you know, there's a house for rent
"on my block that has, like, four bedrooms
"and three full baths
"and a washing machine, and a dryer, and a dishwasher.
"And it's all for the same price that you pay for that
"shitty, little studio apartment
"at the very tippy-top of Manhattan that has
"[SHOUTS] none of that!"
And I'm just like,
"Okay, well, what do I have?"
Let's think about it.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Upstairs, I have
a schizophrenic neighbor
who stomps on my ceiling so hard
I can hear the dishes rattle in my sink.
So there's that.
Next door I have a meth addict, because gay rights. Okay?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
We love that. And downstairs...
Downstairs, I have a meth dealer, because queer community.
Okay?
So, I'm like, "Sis, does this house of yours have any of those amenities?
"Okay? 'Cause if not I'm not interested."
I love New York. I love New York life.
I wouldn't change it for anything,
and maybe that's because I am trash.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But we will get to that in a minute.
First, I just wanna say a couple of things
about myself. I wanna address
the elephant in the room. I realize that some of you,
especially the people behind the cameras,
may not know who I am.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -And that is fine.
Nobody's perfect. Okay?
Maybe you don't know who I am because you are a straight dude,
and seeing this on stage, in front of you.
It's the worst surprise you've gotten since
Lil Nas X turned out to be gay.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]
That's right, straight men.
You were listening to a gay on repeat,
a gay on repeat,
a gay... Oh, my God! It's happening again.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
Oh, yeah. Or maybe you don't know who I am
because you are a nice mom.
You know, and...
You're only out here because your
daughter dragged you out tonight
and that's okay. You know, we're on the same page
I'm a mother too, all right.
I'm full of somebody's babies right now,
and, uh... [MOUTHING]
I can celebrate Mother's Day
and Father's Day. You know what I'm saying?
I love that.
But no matter who you are,
this is what you need to know about me.
I am a [SHOUTS] star!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
All right?
Now, I have been on the televisions.
Okay? Not once but twice at this point. Okay?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I try not to talk about it too much
because, you know, I don't wanna seem big headed.
And I don't want television to define me.
But I do like to at least acknowledge it
because it is how [CLICKS TONGUE] I got laid last summer.
So, um...
It's worth a mention. [LAUGHS]
Gentlemen, um, okay.
I am a Manhattanite
but like not in a mean way. All right?
I am a Jew.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
And that means I get to say the word that way. You do not.
But above all, I am a woman
who respects herself. Okay?
I do.
I do. I respect myself.
And you may not get that from the way I am dressed this evening.
Or from the way I behaved in the public bathrooms earlier.
But I do. I respect myself. Okay?
And that is because I have learnt
that it is okay
to be what some people might call trash.
And you can too. Okay?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
My little TED Talk. You're welcome. Okay? Yeah.
It's true. Now I wanna tell you a story about trash real quick.
I'm gonna slide into this tale like I'm going to
slide into your DMs later, sir.
Wait, are you guys the couple?
Goddamn it. I always choose the unavailable/unemployed/ totally uninterested ones.
Um. Goddamn it.
What I'm trying to tell you is that I come from trash.
All right? That's all I'm trying to say.
Here's the thing, like, when people hear that I grew up
Hasidic,
I like to put the hard CH there,
so that the Gentiles know we're gonna have an exotic evening.
You know that I'm saying?
"Oh, it's a real Jew. Oh my God."
If you really like that, my boy name is Max too. More Jew stuff.
You know what I'm saying?
When people hear that I grew up Jewish,
they always assume that I come from, like this, nice,
noble, pious family, that kept kosher and kept close to God.
You know, like, synagogues, Torahs,
space lasers, you know, Jew stuff.
And it's true. Like, we were part of the Jewish community.
But, in the way that Staten Island is part of New York City.
-You know? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like, technically, but, come on. You know?
It's true we were Jewish. Like, we had the hats and the...
indigestion, um, but...
But we were different. To circle back to my conception story,
I'll tell you that when I was conceived, I was conceived on a bed
covered with auto parts,
because that's the kind of parents I had.
They had auto parts all over the house and all over the yard.
Those people are usually your neighbors. That is my blood, all right?
That's... That's where I come from. That's my lineage.
My mom was always trying to kick my dad
out of the house and get rid of him.
But he always came back with a very good argument.
A bottle of tequila and... [CHUCKLES]
She's like "That's my love language."
So the kids stayed in the picture, you know.
Now you know, what you need to know about my mom.
Oh, and one more thing.
I inherited my beautiful, long hair from my mother. Do you like it?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you, thank you.
Gentlemen, just so you know, the curtains match the drapes.
All right?
My pubes are also
twenty-six inches long. Um... [GIGGLES]
Can you imagine if my vagina was swearing the same wig that I am?
Just looking like Cousin Itt from Addams Family.
[IMITATING COUSIN ITT]
"Cousin Clitt" if you will.
If you will, um...
Please do not encourage puns in the show.
It will be an hour and a half long, all right?
Yeah, my parents were trash
but I have no room to judge
because I was too.
Okay, the apple did not fall far from the tree.
I followed in their footsteps.
Here's everything you need to know about me as a kid.
There is this VHS tape of my synagogue from when I was very young.
By the way, if you are, like, Generation Z, um...
VHS tape is like, if TikTok lived in a brick.
You know what I mean? Like...
That's what that is. Anyway, there's this video of
my synagogue from when I was very young.
And there's all these pious, nice, young Jewish boys
dancing the hora to celebrate a high, holy holiday.
And you're like, "Where's Miz Cracker in all of this?"
You know, and the camera keeps panning,
and keeps panning and finally it lands on me.
Separate from everyone else,
finger in the center of my Yarmulke,
giving you turns, and turns.
Turns!
Now that's what I call a hora, you know?
Yeah, I was trash, okay?
And just gay as an Arctic summer day is long.
You know what I mean?
Just trash. I was trash then
and I am worse now.
Look at me. I am 37 years old. You're welcome.
MAN: [SHOUTS] Yeah.
[MOUTHING]
I'm 37 years old,
dressed like this, okay.
Still twirling for men's attention.
Is it working? Is it? Got your attention? Okay. Thank you.
Still twirling for men's attention
and now just drinking,
and smoking, and above all
whoring around. Okay?
By this age, all my friends have found their way
to nice, monogamous, stable relationships. You know?
And I'm still what?
Handling more sausages
than The Grays Papaya on 42nd street. You know?
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
All of my friends have picked one instrument to play
and I'm still marching around like a one man band.
Just... [GURGLING]
Playing them all. You know?
Let's put it this way.
The MTA is not the only one running trains in New York City.
All right? Let's go.
Oh, you liked that too much, madam. Okay?
Oh, yeah. You know, except my trains run on time and are clean
So, guess what, MTA?
I'm better at the job. All right? Oh, Lord.
It's so fucking disgusting. Like, it's hard being me.
It's hard watching every single one of my friends
get married, one after another, where I am always the bridesmaid,
never the bride. You know what I'm saying?
And the worst thing is, it's not the weddings.
It's like the sympathy calls that married people give you after.
You know, they're like, "Are you okay?" You're like...
"Like, single is not terminal, okay?"
Like, leave me alone. I remember when my friend Rachel,
when she got married, she called me right after.
And she had an extravagant wedding. I think
it cost me more than it cost her.
Um... She got married and then
she called me right after, and she's like,
"I just want you to know.
"that just because I am on the other side of this huge milestone..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
LADIES: No, no, no, no.
Right?
You guys are my therapists. I appreciate this.
I need validation. She's like, "Just because I'm on the other side
"of this huge milestone,
"that doesn't mean that we can't connect like we always used to."
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
Oh God! Please.
[SHOUTS] Stop! [GASPS]
Nevertheless, she persisted. She continued on.
"I just want you to know
"that one day
"you're gonna find the most amazing guy,
"and we are all gonna be so...
-"surprised." -[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
I said, "Surprised?"
Listen, bitch. I am like a game of Solitaire.
When you play me you are really playing yourself. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like I...
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
I hated that.
But you know what? I try not to listen to that bullshit.
I try to find inspiration in the world to keep me optimistic.
For example, I've been thinking a lot about the story of Thomas Edison lately,
-and how it took him... No, I have been. This is true. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It took him 10,000 times
to invent the light bulb.
And he had this really optimistic view of it.
There's this quote where he's like, you know,
"I didn't fail 10,000 times to invent the light bulb.
"I simply discovered...
"ten thousand ways not to invent the light bulb."
And I'm like, "C'est moi."
-Okay, that's me. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I haven't failed 10,000 times to find a husband.
I've simply discovered 10,000 men that weren't my husband. You know?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
So, really I'm ahead of the game. Okay, yeah.
But it isn't easy. It isn't easy being me.
It's not easy being busy all the time, you know?
It's not easy saying, "Yes," to every single man that approaches me,
because I do say, "Yes."
Okay? On the street,
on the bus, in an Uber.
Okay? Ladies, some of you know this.
But, men, you certainly do not. If you are a woman of a certain caliber,
alone in an Uber,
there is a very high chance that the driver is going to hit on you.
You know what I mean? Yes. Like there's always one lady, that's like, "It's me. Yes."
Yeah, it's crazy.
I remember the other day I was taking an Uber home
from my friend Caitlyn's apartment.
Caitlyn is here tonight. A round of applause for her.
Yeah. I was taking an Uber home from her apartment,
and it took two blocks
for the driver to start hitting on me. He started hitting on me like that.
He was like, "So, you just starting work or you're just getting off."
Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, "Ugh, God."
It is so disgusting
that I'm gonna blow this guy. You know what I mean?
Anyway, I could swear the car was an automatic,
but four blocks later I was driving stick.
Yeah. It's true.
It's not easy being me, and I don't know why I'm like this.
Like, I will say yes to any man.
Like even men that are not offering.
Sir, yes.
You know what I'm saying? No I will.
Like, I was taking the subway downtown
the other day, and this guy came up to me
with this huge bulge in his pants.
And I was like, "Sir...
"Is that a gun in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?"
You know what I mean?
Uh, plot twist. It was a gun.
-Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He was not happy to see me.
And now I don't have a wallet, so...
By the way, I want you to know that that's not a joke.
That's just an anecdote from [SHOUTS] my horrible month.
Oh, God.
Why am I like this? Why?
You know, I've given it a lot of thought
and If you don't mind, I'll open up to you just a little bit.
'Cause I think we're at that point in the set.
I don't wanna get, like, all Nanette and everything...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
but I think I'm like this... I think I'm such a hoe because
I've just had my heart broken too many times. You know?
-AUDIENCE: Aw! -Right?
I can't trust regular relationships anymore, you know?
I don't know if it's the kind of men that I bring into my life,
or the fact that I saw my dad cheat on my mom so many times,
but every guy that I've ever dated,
has been cheated on by me, you know?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I'm just like, how does that happen?
What's the common denominator?
Will the circle be unbroken? Lord, by and by.
But I'm not going to stand up here and rag on men
and relationships all evening, I promise.
Okay? Because, it's true, I'm not married.
But I am finally engaged, everybody.
-Look at this! -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
He went to Delia's or something. Look at this piece of shit.
Oh, God, no.
Yeah, I am engaged.
I'm glad you applauded for it but you didn't have to.
Like, getting a man, it's not that hard, you know?
Men are like STDs.
The more you fuck around the more likely you are to catch one.
You know what I'm saying?
And if you fuck around the right way, you'll catch one you can't get rid of.
But I was trying to talk about trash, everybody.
I am trash. I used to try to hide it.
I used to try to change it. But I do not anymore.
-Okay? -[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
It's like Riverdance up here. I'm like, "I don't anymore!"
I don't and that's because of an experience that I had in early 2020.
Back in 2020, before the pandemic and all the shit happened,
I was doing my favorite thing. I was in full geish,
I was in drag, I was in a cab.
Only at that time, I was trying to turn over a new leaf.
I was trying to not be trash.
So I wasn't hitting on the Uber driver even though he was gorgeous, you know?
When suddenly, while I was pretending to be someone I wasn't,
something happened.
We got in a pretty major accident. Okay?
The Uber slammed into the car in front of us,
and me, an idiot not wearing a seatbelt
because I hate to separate these two beauties, you know?
Me, an idiot, I go flying forward
and smash my face into the glass divider
between me and the driver and just
.hit the floor of the cab.
But when I got up a few minutes later,
the first thing that I saw,
was my face printed on the glass divider
like I was a human fucking stamp, you know what I mean?
Just like lipstick, mascara, foundation, just smudged there.
It looked like the Shroud of Turin
if Jesus had ever come out as gay.
The Shroud of Turin but make it fashion!
And I immediately thought two things.
One, that's hilarious.
Two, I almost died while pretending to be somebody I'm not.
Everybody, life is short.
You never know when you might go,
and when you go, you might leave in a hilarious fashion.
So there's no time to pretend to be somebody you're not. Okay?
Listen, looking out over l'etage,
that's French for stage, you're welcome,
this is education, m'kay?
Forget Dua Lipa, this is Duolingo, okay?
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
Don't forget Dua Lipa, we stan.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Looking out ever this stage at all of your beautiful faces,
I know that there are at least a couple of people out there
who are just like me.
Secret trash, yearning to be free, okay?
And so I tell you, be free!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Yes!
All right! So you'll spend a little more time in the free clinic.
So do I. It doesn't matter, okay?
What do you give the girl who has everything?
Antibiotics! Here she is.
I'm on them right now. Syphilis is a wild ride.
Wish I could get off of it.
However, at the end of the day,
when that final Uber comes,
you will have the satisfaction of leaving this world as yourself.
And there is nothing more beautiful than that, everybody.
[AUDIENCE HOOTING]
Look what being trash has done for me. Okay?
I was a nobody,
conceived on a pile of auto-parts. And now,
here I stand
bringing joy to hundreds of Uber drivers across the city.
I'm an essential worker, goddamnit!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
And if that means being a little trashy then sign me, motherfucker, now!
Thank you. Okay? That's how I feel right now.
You know, I think you understand what the point of this show is, by this point, you know.
I'm just talking about loving who you are as you are, right now.
Don't wait, okay?
Don't wait for some improvement or try to make one.
Just love yourself first and see what happens after.
And speaking of self-love,
who is drinking tonight? Let's get to that.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Yes, lift your glasses in the air
because we are celebrating my comedy special, everybody!
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -L'chiam!
Have a nice sip.
Delicious.
Who is already wasted? Gimme a cheer if you're already wasted.
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -Great.
I love when my audience is drunk.
And a lot of drag queens will be like,
[IN SING-SONG VOICE] "You know, the drunker you are, the prettier I am."
or like, "The drunker you are, the more I look like a woman."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] But, let's face it okay,
even if you're stone cold sober, I look like a beautiful lady. All right?
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
You don't need beer goggles to look at this, okay?
You need binoculars, um, i just...
Yeah, and, like, it's not like I get any of the drink sales either.
It's just like, when I'm here performing
and you're there wasted, It reminds me of like,
hanging out with my mom as a kid. You know what I mean?
That's my happy place, everybody!
Oh God!
But, just to let you know, I am being responsible tonight, okay?
The pilot of this plane is sober, okay?
I'm not drinking. I'm having a total Rojoor a Red Bull,
if you will, that's all. That's all I'm having, okay?
So you can trust me, I'm gonna land this plane safely.
Really gives me wings. I love this stuff.
I have a bizarre, by the way, bizarre relationship with Red Bull.
Where I'm obsessed
and they do not care about me at all. Okay?
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -It's so sad.
Because, as I said, I've been on the television, okay. I have some followers on the internet.
-Okay? -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
I think I have what it takes to be a mascot for Red Bull.
You know, I should have like, Red Bull emblazoned up the sides of my dresses.
I think that would be great for me and for them.
And so I've like... Caitlyn and I have been working on it.
I drink Red Bull before a show, during the show, after a show,
and I take pictures and I tag Red Bull and I'm like,
"My favorite thing..." You know.
"Hey, followers..." You know?
They have never responded to any of that shit.
At all.
In fact, the only time they have responded to me in any way
is one time someone took a picture of me
drinking a different energy drink...
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
And they liked that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I was like, "Look, if I want passive aggressive criticism,"
"I'll just get back in touch with my dad."
You know, like... [SNICKERING]
Just kidding, I would never. All right?
But the thing is like,
whether I have a good relationship with Red Bull or not,
I need it, okay? I need it
because as I said, I'm 30-motherfucking-seven years old, okay?
-I just... -[ALL APPLAUDING]
I am old and crotchety and cobwebby and dusty.
All I have been doing is making faces and jumping around a little bit in these boots
and I am sweating.
Like white liberals in 2020, you know.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh God, old and crotchety me.
But, luckily, like I said, I have Red Bull and I have something even more powerful.
I have you guys. Give yourselves another round of applause.
[ALL APPLAUDING]
God, I love that!
I love being on a stage again. It's so amazing.
Because, I don't know if you can tell by this point but I am a...
attention whore. Um...
By trade, and being on stage is the only thing that makes me really happy.
And it's been so hard over the past year
because in the pandemic I had to do everything digitally.
I had to pivot, which if I hear the word again,
I will strangle the closest thing.
Yeah so, I had to do everything digital. I had to perform on Skype,
and on Zoom and on Twitch
and on Grindr voice message, you know.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[DEEP VOICE] "Sup?" You know?
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
Yes, I am masc.
None of that is as satisfying as a real life audience.
It's just true.
Like, I don't want to be crass, 'cause as I told you earlier, I am classy.
But stand-up comedy is kinda like sex.
It's hard to improve your game
if you're locked in a room by yourself.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, you kinda need someone there with you
to let you know if what you're doing is working.
Someone to make weird noises if you're doing something right.
Or no noises if you're doing something wrong. You know what I'm saying?
So it's very hard to write this one hour special
alone in my room, using a brush as a microphone
like i used to as a kid in my mom's heels. You know what I mean?
Like, "I just came here from Florida, and, boy, are my arms tired".
Like, blah, blah.
I went through the five stages of Jewish grief.
Bargaining, um...
Bargaining, bargaining, bargaining, and bargaining,
Yeah.
The Gentiles are nervously clapping, like...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Is this okay?" It's fine. You have permission here, tonight, okay?
I'm your Jew friend, I say it's okay.
Um, yeah. And I went through all of that and I realized that
if we want to do comedy in 2021,
all you have to do
is talk about what you've been through
and what we've all been through over the past year
because, goddamit!
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
You know?
We have been through so much. Let's review. Okay?
Global pandemic.
Global recession.
Global injustice.
Trump, wildfires, gender reveal parties,
good vaccines, and bad vaccines, and wars,
and now a plague of cicadas is on the way.
[SCREECHING] Oh my God!
Like, the world is on fire and we have been trapped in that, you know?
I want to talk about that
but I want to talk about something specific
that I don't think gets enough coverage in the news anymore. Okay?
Something that I have been deeply affected by
and I want to know if you have too.
It's a little something called the quarantine 15.
If you are thicker down here in June this year, give me a cheer.
[WHOOPING]
And if you have been desperately trying to work that weight off
give me a cheer too.
[CHEERING]
It's fucking awful.
Like, at this point if I continue, I'm gonna have to refer to 2019
as four score and seven pounds ago. Okay, you know?
I had this terrible experience the other day
where I was getting ready for a photoshoot
and I had this face together, like,
easy, breezy, beautiful, CoverGirl, shablam, you know?
Looking more dewy than a decimal is, and, uh...
Doing a photoshoot because I'm a millennial
and that's all we have to offer to the world.
Getting ready for the shoot, face looked great,
but then I went to put on my little pencil skirt
and I was like, skirt!
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's quarantine.
You know, I'm like...
It won't go up over my thighs anymore!
And I did everything. I did like, the wiggle,
I did the spawning salmon leap, you know.
And then I caught my reflection in the mirror
and it was just very National Geographicto me.
As the skirt was squeezing up over my milky white thighs
it just looked like a snake trying to swallow a pig
in a Discovery Channel documentary, you know what I mean?
I'm like, how did we get here?
Nobody's supposed to be here, okay?
I used to be so skinny, I used to be a skeleton.
Which if you're gay, is an eating disorder
referred to as [SHOUTING] goals!
[SHOUTING] Yes!
But now, what, I've gained 36 pounds.
Thirty-six pounds and... Right?
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
You guys got 20% more for your ticket price. You know what I mean?
That's entertainment.
Yeah, I just, like, it's so fucking awful.
Now, every time I get undressed around the apartment,
my boyfriend tells me I'm built like, and I quote,
the mayor of a small town
in a Dr. Seuss book.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I'm like, well, I guess I'm not wearing stripedy socks
to bed anymore. You know what I'm saying?
By the way, who had to go through lockdown with a partner?
Raise your hand if you had to go through like I see it.
Okay, yeah, some of you.
It was fucking awful, wasn't it?
I know you can't say it,
because the moment you do
it's gonna be Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
all over again at your house.
You're gonna go at each other throats
like, I am in this apartment!
But yeah, my partner isn't here so I can say it clearly.
It was fucking terrible, I hated it.
You know, like, living with a partner under the best circumstances
is awful, you know?
Living with a partner is like being haunted.
Weird shit appears in your drains.
You get woken up by bizarre noises at night.
You leave the kitchen for five seconds
and come back and all the cabinets are open for no reason.
And if it goes on for long enough,
your parents try to get a priest involved.
But living with a partner in lockdown is 1000 times worse.
It's like this show where there's only two characters,
one set, and the only plot development
is screaming!
It's like you're stuck in a Sawmovie, you know?
Or any David Mamet play ever written.
That was just for the theater nerds!
I was like, I could cut it but I know there's one person
in very thick glasses that's going to love that.
Like, "Mmm-hmm, yeah,
"That's true of his oeuvre."
No, but it's true, I fucking hate it, and uh...
You know, it's not like I don't love my boyfriend,
I really do, you know.
As a top...
I can say his hole is greater than the sum of his parts, you know?
And after four years,
we still love having sex. You know?
Sometimes even with each other.
Yeah, this is the part in the show where...
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
This is the part in the show where I admit
that I have no idea what's going on with my relationship right now.
Like, I can't tell if we are open or closed
but if I think about it carefully, I think we're just a jar.
You know what I'm saying? Like, uh...
We tried to close it, it just didn't latch.
And I remember, like, when we first tried to close the relationship.
I think my boyfriend had been thinking about everything that we'd shared
and all the trust that we'd built together.
I was sitting in the living room
and he came in and he just looked at me in the eyes
and he was like, "You know, I've been thinking,
"I don't want to sleep with other people anymore".
And I was like, "Oh, my God.
"That's so crazy, I was thinking the same thing, you know.
"I don't want you to sleep with other people anymore..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"...either, you know?"
"Anyway, I'm gonna go get wrecking balled like Miley Cyrus."
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
"I will see you after dinner." You know? [LAUGHING]
So, I guess it's open in so far as,
in so much as,
I'm doing whatever the hell I want. You know what I'm saying?
But I just don't want to label it as open
because like, don't judge me,
but I think open relationships are [YODELING] hilarious.
Okay?
Like, when you go out with an open couple,
you're going out to brunch, you're having, like, mimosas,
and you want to ask the question. You're drunk enough.
You're like, "So what is it like being in an open relationship?"
You always get the same answer from both parties.
It just means two very different things.
You know, you ask the first guy, and he's like,
"It's great".
You're like, oh, okay.
You ask the second guy and he's like, [DEJECTED] "It's great".
You're like...
"What's going on behind your eyes, like,
"blink twice if you're in trouble".
"No, it's great. He takes advantage of it more often than I do,
"but I would if I could, I just don't have time in my schedule,
"I will have time next year..."
You're like, whoa, stop, okay?
Hold up a newspaper with the date,
is this a hostage situation?
Like, what's happening?
And like, not to do a sidebar on a sidebar,
But I would like to say that those miserable open couples
are the very first people in the world
to have the most annoying, obnoxious couples Instagrams.
You know what I'm saying?
"Out at the grocery store with bae," and, like, "In the bathroom with bae."
I was like, why are you brainwashing us
-that you're together? Do you know what I mean? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Can't you do like the rest of us and fool yourselves?
You know what I'm saying?
And it's just like, it's so wonderful because there always comes that day,
you know what I'm talking about, when you go to one of their Instagram feeds
-and, uh, it's blank... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
...except for, like, a picture of some pancakes, a dog, and a selfie from 2015,
-and they've had to delete everything else. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And you're just like, "Trouble in paradise."
There's something rotten in Denmark. Um, yeah, just like...
I love that. I love when people build themselves up on the Internet,
that way, when it all catches fire, I have something to warm my hands by.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
And I wouldn't light a relationship on fire. I wouldn't. I'm not like that.
But if it's going to burn, I'd like to enjoy it.
-You know what I mean? It's going to burn anyway. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Uh, but, yeah, like I said, I don't judge.
I think that, you know, in this world where there's so little love,
you've got to keep the love you have by any means necessary.
and, sometimes, that means giving each other a little space, a little freedom.
And, sometimes, it means indulging each other's fantasies.
-You know what I'm talking about? You know, like... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Like, I think that my partner and I
have stayed together for so long because we have the same fantasies, okay?
Especially fantasies around morning sex. Okay? Who likes morning sex in here?
-[AUDIENCE WHOOPS] -Mmm, yes.
Um, so great, like, he has this...
I can't believe I'm gonna say this because my mom's going to watch this.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -But... [CHUCKLES]
He has this fantasy where he's asleep,
and I wake up early, and I kind of, you know...
-[MAKES GUTTURAL NOISES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...start his day, right? You know what I'm talking about?
-And I have a... This lady's crying. I love that. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Christina Ricci over here has had it. She's like... [LAUGHS]
Anyway, yeah. And I have a very similar fantasy.
I have this fantasy where I'm asleep...
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
...and he wakes up early, and he...
leaves me the fuck alone.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
[SCREAMS] Get out of my face!
We just went through lockdown together. God!
[GROANS] God.
Yeah, fucking terrible.
-But... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I do... I love him a lot. I do.
Of course, I go through those moments of doubt that everybody has.
You know, where I'm like, "Do I just like him because he's a fitness model?"
-You know what I mean? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Because he's young and muscly,
and when he gets old and wrinkly, will that fade, you know?
But then, when we're having dinner together
and, like, looking into each other's eyes and sharing stories,
I just realize that what he has
is so much more important than youth and muscles.
-He's hung... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And that lasts forever. So...
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
I'll just be, like, sucking his dick when he's 90 with my, like,
-hand over everything else, just like... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
You know what I mean? Just like, put something over that,
just throw a chemise over that
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[GIGGLES]
Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about?
Oh, that's right. I was talking about the Quarantine 15.
Uh, [CHUCKLES] yeah, sorry. I got sidetracked.
Just to let you know, as you may have noticed by now, it's true.
My comedy does meander, okay?
But, uh, "meander" isn't a bad word.
It actually comes from the ancient Greek "Meandros,"
which is the name of a river that wanders all over the place, okay?
But here's the thing about the river.
Its waters always find their way to their destination, the sea.
And my comedy will always find its way to its destination,
-your hearts, okay? -AUDIENCE: Aw.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
But also, hopefully, cable television, you know?
Like...
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Anyway, I was talking about the Quarantine 15, and how I went
from Nightmare Before Christmas to Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
in, like, a series of a few months, it was so fucking awful.
And the thing is, like, I don't mind the extra weight.
Do you guys like how it looks on my body?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
It feels good too.
I like to touch myself, and now, I'm always touching
because my thighs are constantly together, like,
we love a little friction, right? We love that.
Keeps me warm. [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] It keeps me warm, you know?
And, yeah, so, I don't mind it, but it's just, like,
the feedback that I get from the world that's so awful.
Like, someone on Twitter had the audacity to ask, "Are you pregnant?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And it just, like, hit me right here, you know, because...
-I've been trying, you know? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Gentlemen, uh, [CHUCKLES] just so you know.
Yeah. And someone on YouTube commented on one of my videos
and they were like, and I quote
"You finally look feminine now that you've put on weight,"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And I was like, "Thank you for Eiffel Towering me with those two compliments.
-"I appreciate being double stuck by them." Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And then someone who wrote for The New York Times
who reviews RuPaul's drag race said
that my hips are so wide, I look short by comparison,
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Well, like, I don't fucking need this and it gets into your head.
And it kind of has fucked up my relationships with my friends,
-especially my skinny ones. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
One of my skinny friends called me in the middle of lockdown.
She was like, "I think I got the COVID 19." And I was like,
"You're lucky, bitch. I have, like, the COVID 40 at this point." [SCREAMS]
-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] -You know? And my friend and comedian, Matteo Lane,
he looks gorgeous after all this, and I was like,
"How do you stay skinny through all this bullshit?"
And he's like, "Oh, I wish I could be like you,
"but I lose weight when I'm stressed." [WHINES]
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -You know what I mean?
It's fucked up my relationships with my friend,
and it has made my relationship with my family 10 times worse,
as if that needed to happen. Um...
As you can imagine, there's plenty of reasons
for my family to criticize me at this point,
Like, especially my grandmother.
I have, like, the classic Jewish grandmother,
and she sounds like, "Maxwell, this is your grandmother."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -"You haven't called me all day today."
You know, that kind of thing.
And she... When she found out that I was gay,
she used to call me every morning, and... This is true.
She used to call me every morning and say, like,
"Did you know that sucking dick will give you throat cancer?"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -And she would read me articles like medical articles about it.
And I was like, "Okay, weird." And now that I put on the weight,
she talks to me about sucking dick and about dieting.
So, I'm like, I've never had a relative be so concerned with what I swallowed.
Do you know what I'm saying?
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -It's just...
Yeah. The other day, she crossed the line.
She was like, "Now that you've put on weight, you know,
"what do you think about cleanses?"
-I was like, "Well, as a Jew, cleanses make me nervous." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"But thank you for the suggestion." You know what I'm saying?
You're welcome, everybody.
-Again, Gentiles, you can laugh at that one. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Uh... ♪ I'm a survivor
-Uh, so... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Yeah. [CHUCKLES] Everybody's talking to me about my weight,
what I consume, all of that.
Even my psychiatrist is edging into that territory.
Like, the other day during our last session,
he was like "Blah, blah, blah,
"You can't have alcohol with his medication, et cetera."
And I'm like, "What are you, my sommelier now?" [CHUCKLES]
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Like, I'll decide what pairs well with my Celexa,
-thank you very much. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
You guys are rich because that's
-the most applause that joke has ever gotten. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Y'all have coverage, and I love that. [LAUGHS] I love that.
-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] -Oh, God. Yeah.
So, if you're like me,
you've been through all of this shit,
and you know the stress of it,
like, you're trying dieting, and fasting, and exercise, and nothing works.
And, like, for me, I ultimately just resorted to prayer, you know?
I'm just like, I made a wish that my weight would drop.
And I should have been more specific, because it did.
-It dropped from my waist to my ankles, and... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
...now I'm built like a very strong feminist senator. You know what I mean? Like...
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Oh, God.
So fucking awful. But there's good news at the end of all of this.
I want to tell you that I have a solution to your Quarantine 15 woes,
a solution that works for everybody.
It's a little diet that I invented myself. You're welcome.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
It's worked for everybody that I've suggested it to.
It has certainly worked for me.
-It's a diet called Who Fucking Cares, okay? -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Jesus!
A global pandemic, global recession,
global injustice, Trump, wildfires, gender reveal parties,
good vaccines, and bad vaccines, and wars,
and now, a plague of cicadas.
You deserve to have a snack, okay?
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -And you deserve to enjoy it, guilt-free, all right?
Who cares if, when you take off your corset, you go from C-3PO to R2-D2,
-You know? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
-I told a joke for straight people. -[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
She's got a diverse audience.
Who cares if you eat your weight in food every day
so that, every time you take a shit, it's like going through a breakup. You know?
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Who cares if your friends are skinnier than you are?
Who cares if your grandma is disappointed?
Who cares if your pencil skirt won't fit?
I intend to live like a vegetable and eat like an animal
-until this shit is over and you should too, okay? -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Oh, and by the way, as for my grandmother,
who's got throat cancer now, bitch?
-[AUDIENCE GASPS] -I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. It's pancreatic. She'll be dead like that, you know?
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Probably before this airs. [GROANS]
God, what the hell am I talking about?
I think what I'm trying to get at
is just accepting yourself, accepting your trash behavior.
We all have trash behavior.
Accept your body, God damn it!
Because I'm not a self-help guru,
but I am someone with a strong feeling from experience,
that accepting yourself as you are, as you look, as you act,
accepting your history, that is the only way to find real happiness. Okay?
And I've tried other ways, and they just don't work.
For example, one of the things that I tried when I was younger
was to find happiness through men.
I had three relationships before this one,
and they were all terrible. Um...
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -I should have learned my lesson,
but there was one last relationship.
I was with this guy solely for the purpose of having a guy,
and I thought it was going to bring me happiness, but he had no time for me.
And I couldn't figure out why.
Because his job did not seem that fucking demanding.
Well, it all became clear one day when I was
walking down the street in my neighborhood, and I saw him come out of a church
-with his wife and kids. -[AUDIENCE GASPS]
When he saw me see him,
he went whiter than the cast of The Crownon Netflix. You know what I mean?
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Just... [GASPS]
[IN MOCK ITALIAN ACCENT] And I was single again. You know what I mean?
I don't know why that needed an Italian accent, but it did. You know? Just like...
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
I'm gonna level with you.
I have tried to be very honest in this show,
about my body, about my history, about my behavior,
and that's because I think it's only funny if it's true, you know?
So, I wanted to build this trust with you,
where you knew everything I was saying is an actual fact.
Like, I fact checked everything with my family and my friends
so that we could trust each other here.
And, because of that, I don't want to break that trust now.
So, I'm going to tell you something.
I wrote this entire show from the loving arms
of a beautiful four-year relationship.
And then, when I was in the last five minutes of writing,
my fiance left me out of nowhere,
and, um, it was crazy.
He said it was because of my temper or something.
But I didn't quite hear him because
-he mumbles and I was [SCREAMS] screaming. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Um, but, yeah... He was clearly in the wrong, by the way.
Uh... [CHUCKLES] So, yeah, he left me,
and he left me in a really weird position.
I had written this show that has this ring as a prop,
and it has all these jokes about being partnered and everything,
and I was like, "Fuck me. What am I going to do? "I'm gonna have to pretend."
So, I made this bizarre decision to keep the ring on
until I did the motherfucking show, and I've been, like,
hauling this thing around like, [MIMICKING GOLLUM] "My precious."
-Like... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
...this entire time, and it's been really weird.
So, what I want to do now is, say this,
You know, I've done the show pretty much at this point.
I can take this motherfucker off. So, if you don't mind,
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
-"Let my people go," you know? -[AUDIENCE GUFFAWS]
God, I don't even know what to do with this thing, and it feels so weird.
-It was, like, $25. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I might, like, give it away after the show.
It looks so strange. Like I have...
I can see this mole again. This is so bizarre. Um...
Uh, Caitlyn, I didn't cry, okay?
-So, here we go. And I want to th... -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you so much. You guys are my real friends. I appreciate that.
I recognize some of your faces. It makes me happy.
But the reason I wanted to take that ring off
was because I wanted us to be on the same page
when I told my very last story of the evening.
I wanted us to be up to speed.
And, so, I want to tell you a final story about love,
the story of how I met the love of my life.
So, ten years ago, I was going home using
my favorite form of transportation,
-drunken stumbling. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It was a snowy night and I was almost home.
I had my keys in the front door of my building
when I saw this very tall, handsome guy
carrying a bookshelf through the blizzard,
and I was like, "Maybe if I help him, he'll help me."
-You know what I'm saying? So... -[AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
Like my mom, a good Samaritan, you know what I'm saying?
So, uh, I played with my tits...
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -So, I...
I went and I offered my help, okay?
And we ended up carrying this bookshelf
six or seven blocks through the snow,
and then up six flights of stairs on walk up,
and we got into that dark apartment,
and I was ready for the moment. You know what I'm saying?
And then, he turned on the light,
and, all of a sudden, I saw, like, wigs, and glitter, and dresses everywhere,
-and I was like... [SCREAMS] -[AUDIENCE SCREAMS ALONG]
I suspected then what I know now,
-which is that drag queens are fucking scary, okay? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
So, I was like, "I'm sorry. I'm not into drag queens.
"I don't like drag. I'm getting out of here." And I ran...
I was too late, though. My fate had been sealed.
He saw where I live. So, he would come every weekend and knock on my building,
come inside, and say hello and say,
"Listen, if you're afraid of drag, the only way to get rid of that is to try it yourself."
Don't knock it till you've tried it. You know what I'm saying?
So, I said "Maybe,"
-which is gay for no. [CHUCKLES] Right? You're like... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
-"Can you come to my birthday?" "Maybe." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That is the ugliest eff-ing skirt I have ever seen. You know what I mean?
We have our own tongue, everybody.
But yeah, finally, I had to make good on my "Maybe"
because he asked me so many fucking times.
And what happened was, I went to his place,
he put me in face, facing away from the mirror, put me in a wig,
turned me around, to see my reflection,
and I saw something I had never seen before.
-I saw this. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
And, at that moment, I fell in love with somebody that would stay with me.
despite changes in weight, despite my temper,
despite my trash behavior, despite my history,
At that moment, I fell in love with myself, okay?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
And that is the only love that has brought me
real happiness over the years.
Like, yeah, sure, I'm a little rounder now.
I may have a short fuse. I may be a bit of a ho.
But I love myself because of these things, not in spite of them, okay?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
So what?
When it comes to marriage, I fucked up my one shot like Johnson & Johnson, you know?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
At the end of the day, I still have myself.
And you guys still have you, okay?
So, this is what I want out of this evening.
This is my only request.
Number one, I want you to leave here
loving yourself a little bit more, please, okay?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I want somebody to bring me a bottle of tequila because that's my love language.
-Thank you everybody! -[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]