1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:17,017 HOST: Put your hands together for Miz Cracker everybody. Come on! 4 00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:19,106 -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -[EDM MUSIC PLAYING] 5 00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:51,442 [SHOUTS] She's the woman! 6 00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:53,140 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 7 00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:58,623 She's the woman. I'm a woman. 8 00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:05,456 Uh! Do I like to start a comedy set with a nice, big... 9 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,416 -[CLICKS TONGUE] Lie. Um. Hello, everybody. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 10 00:01:08,459 --> 00:01:11,419 My name is Miz Cracker. Hold for applause. 11 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:14,465 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 12 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:21,690 Do you like my dress? Do you like this thing? 13 00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:25,694 I'm wearing perfume, as if you can smell it. So just know that, okay? 14 00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,739 I'm doing that for you tonight. 15 00:01:27,783 --> 00:01:31,134 And I appreciate your applause so much, but you know what? 16 00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:34,790 Let's forget about me for a second, because 17 00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:38,010 all of y'all have been through the perils of 2020, 18 00:01:38,054 --> 00:01:40,578 and the misery of 2021. 19 00:01:40,622 --> 00:01:42,276 And you made it out here to Tribeca 20 00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:45,235 to see a show tonight. So give yourselves a round of applause. 21 00:01:45,279 --> 00:01:47,629 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 22 00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:59,945 Wow, you were more generous with yourselves than you were with me. 23 00:01:59,989 --> 00:02:02,600 I see how it is. But, no. You deserve that. 24 00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:05,168 You know, because this whole past year 25 00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:06,996 has been so... 26 00:02:07,039 --> 00:02:08,606 I don't know. What's the word? 27 00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:11,218 -Disappointing, I guess. Um... -[MAN LAUGHS] 28 00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:14,046 It's like, when you meet a hot guy, 29 00:02:14,090 --> 00:02:16,701 and you work up the courage to give him your number, 30 00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:19,095 and you're waiting on that first text, 31 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,836 and it finally shows up, 32 00:02:20,879 --> 00:02:24,013 -but it shows up green. You know? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 33 00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:27,016 Feel me? 34 00:02:27,059 --> 00:02:30,237 You're like, "Who's gonna buy me stuff? No!" 35 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,413 You know. 36 00:02:32,456 --> 00:02:35,024 So disappointing. 37 00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:38,767 But tonight is different. You know, I love everything about tonight. 38 00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:40,682 I love the fact that we can gather again 39 00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:43,293 so I can see all of your beautiful faces, everybody. 40 00:02:43,337 --> 00:02:45,730 -Oh, my goodness. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 41 00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:49,691 Especially your beautiful face. 42 00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,606 You are absolutely stunning. 43 00:02:51,649 --> 00:02:55,479 I was, like, I have the biggest hair tonight. That was my... 44 00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:57,829 You've blown me out of the water. So I'm gonna bully you tonight, 45 00:02:57,873 --> 00:02:59,483 I'm gonna bother you. If you don't mind. 46 00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:03,487 Okay? In a nice way, okay? Um, thank you for being here. 47 00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:06,316 Thank all of you for being here. It means so much to me. 48 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:07,796 I love that we're here together. 49 00:03:07,839 --> 00:03:09,841 I love the fact that it's a special night for me. 50 00:03:09,885 --> 00:03:11,974 So, from all over the country 51 00:03:12,017 --> 00:03:14,933 my best friends came here, 52 00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:16,674 and I don't wanna put the spotlight on them 53 00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:19,547 because they're not show people, but, um. 54 00:03:19,590 --> 00:03:22,550 Anxiety, Paranoia, Depression, thank you. 55 00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:24,595 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 56 00:03:30,949 --> 00:03:33,778 Thank you, so much for making it. You never miss a show, 57 00:03:33,822 --> 00:03:36,433 and we love that. 58 00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:38,696 All right? Always with me. 59 00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:41,264 But above all, this is the number one thing I love. 60 00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:43,962 I love that after everything we have been through, 61 00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:45,616 after everything 62 00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:48,576 -the Lord has thrown in our direction. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 63 00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:52,014 We are still here in New York, motherfucking, City everybody. 64 00:03:52,057 --> 00:03:53,885 -Whoo! -[AUDIENCE CHEERS] 65 00:03:57,759 --> 00:04:00,327 You can't get rid of us. 66 00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:02,546 You know, I love fucking living in the city. 67 00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:04,940 I would never wanna live anywhere else. 68 00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:07,508 But, of course, every New Yorker has someone in their life 69 00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:09,771 that's trying to convince them to move elsewhere. 70 00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:11,729 You know what I'm saying? Like for me, 71 00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:13,209 it's my sister. 72 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:16,125 My sister, the other day she called, and she was like, 73 00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:18,475 "Oh, you know, there's a house for rent 74 00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:22,218 "on my block that has, like, four bedrooms 75 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,872 "and three full baths 76 00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:27,528 "and a washing machine, and a dryer, and a dishwasher. 77 00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:29,791 "And it's all for the same price that you pay for that 78 00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:32,315 "shitty, little studio apartment 79 00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:34,361 "at the very tippy-top of Manhattan that has 80 00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:35,536 "[SHOUTS] none of that!" 81 00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:37,320 And I'm just like, 82 00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:39,409 "Okay, well, what do I have?" 83 00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:40,671 Let's think about it. 84 00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:42,847 [CLICKS TONGUE] Upstairs, I have 85 00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,545 a schizophrenic neighbor 86 00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:48,462 who stomps on my ceiling so hard 87 00:04:48,505 --> 00:04:50,638 I can hear the dishes rattle in my sink. 88 00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:53,031 So there's that. 89 00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:57,906 Next door I have a meth addict, because gay rights. Okay? 90 00:04:57,949 --> 00:04:59,951 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 91 00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:08,003 We love that. And downstairs... 92 00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:10,788 Downstairs, I have a meth dealer, because queer community. 93 00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:12,921 Okay? 94 00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:16,359 So, I'm like, "Sis, does this house of yours have any of those amenities? 95 00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:20,363 "Okay? 'Cause if not I'm not interested." 96 00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:22,278 I love New York. I love New York life. 97 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,149 I wouldn't change it for anything, 98 00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:27,370 and maybe that's because I am trash. 99 00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:28,937 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 100 00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,547 But we will get to that in a minute. 101 00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:33,376 First, I just wanna say a couple of things 102 00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:35,378 about myself. I wanna address 103 00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:38,468 the elephant in the room. I realize that some of you, 104 00:05:38,512 --> 00:05:40,209 especially the people behind the cameras, 105 00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:41,863 may not know who I am. 106 00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:45,127 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -And that is fine. 107 00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:48,391 Nobody's perfect. Okay? 108 00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:51,220 Maybe you don't know who I am because you are a straight dude, 109 00:05:51,263 --> 00:05:54,528 and seeing this on stage, in front of you. 110 00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:56,399 It's the worst surprise you've gotten since 111 00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:58,401 Lil Nas X turned out to be gay. 112 00:05:58,445 --> 00:06:00,577 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING] 113 00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,102 That's right, straight men. 114 00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:06,844 You were listening to a gay on repeat, 115 00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:08,716 a gay on repeat, 116 00:06:08,759 --> 00:06:11,196 a gay... Oh, my God! It's happening again. 117 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,155 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 118 00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:20,597 Oh, yeah. Or maybe you don't know who I am 119 00:06:20,641 --> 00:06:22,686 because you are a nice mom. 120 00:06:22,730 --> 00:06:24,558 You know, and... 121 00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:26,386 You're only out here because your 122 00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:27,822 daughter dragged you out tonight 123 00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:30,607 and that's okay. You know, we're on the same page 124 00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:32,522 I'm a mother too, all right. 125 00:06:32,566 --> 00:06:34,481 I'm full of somebody's babies right now, 126 00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:36,047 and, uh... [MOUTHING] 127 00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,187 I can celebrate Mother's Day 128 00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:46,841 and Father's Day. You know what I'm saying? 129 00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:49,496 I love that. 130 00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:52,150 But no matter who you are, 131 00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:53,587 this is what you need to know about me. 132 00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:56,285 I am a [SHOUTS] star! 133 00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,200 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 134 00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:02,422 All right? 135 00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:05,207 Now, I have been on the televisions. 136 00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:08,776 Okay? Not once but twice at this point. Okay? 137 00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:11,692 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 138 00:07:11,735 --> 00:07:13,476 I try not to talk about it too much 139 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,305 because, you know, I don't wanna seem big headed. 140 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,395 And I don't want television to define me. 141 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,963 But I do like to at least acknowledge it 142 00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:25,096 because it is how [CLICKS TONGUE] I got laid last summer. 143 00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:27,316 So, um... 144 00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:29,449 It's worth a mention. [LAUGHS] 145 00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:31,668 Gentlemen, um, okay. 146 00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:33,627 I am a Manhattanite 147 00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:35,585 but like not in a mean way. All right? 148 00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:38,327 I am a Jew. 149 00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:42,331 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 150 00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:44,899 And that means I get to say the word that way. You do not. 151 00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:49,294 But above all, I am a woman 152 00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:51,645 who respects herself. Okay? 153 00:07:53,081 --> 00:07:54,474 I do. 154 00:07:56,432 --> 00:07:58,129 I do. I respect myself. 155 00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:01,524 And you may not get that from the way I am dressed this evening. 156 00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:04,701 Or from the way I behaved in the public bathrooms earlier. 157 00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:08,531 But I do. I respect myself. Okay? 158 00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,359 And that is because I have learnt 159 00:08:11,142 --> 00:08:13,231 that it is okay 160 00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:16,539 to be what some people might call trash. 161 00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,933 And you can too. Okay? 162 00:08:18,976 --> 00:08:23,154 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 163 00:08:23,198 --> 00:08:26,854 My little TED Talk. You're welcome. Okay? Yeah. 164 00:08:26,897 --> 00:08:30,640 It's true. Now I wanna tell you a story about trash real quick. 165 00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:33,164 I'm gonna slide into this tale like I'm going to 166 00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:35,471 slide into your DMs later, sir. 167 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,691 Wait, are you guys the couple? 168 00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:41,825 Goddamn it. I always choose the unavailable/unemployed/ totally uninterested ones. 169 00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:43,958 Um. Goddamn it. 170 00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,873 What I'm trying to tell you is that I come from trash. 171 00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:48,005 All right? That's all I'm trying to say. 172 00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:50,747 Here's the thing, like, when people hear that I grew up 173 00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,880 Hasidic, 174 00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:54,534 I like to put the hard CH there, 175 00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:57,101 so that the Gentiles know we're gonna have an exotic evening. 176 00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,060 You know that I'm saying? 177 00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:02,672 "Oh, it's a real Jew. Oh my God." 178 00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:05,588 If you really like that, my boy name is Max too. More Jew stuff. 179 00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,372 You know what I'm saying? 180 00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,679 When people hear that I grew up Jewish, 181 00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:12,421 they always assume that I come from, like this, nice, 182 00:09:12,464 --> 00:09:17,339 noble, pious family, that kept kosher and kept close to God. 183 00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:21,212 You know, like, synagogues, Torahs, 184 00:09:21,256 --> 00:09:25,216 space lasers, you know, Jew stuff. 185 00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:28,263 And it's true. Like, we were part of the Jewish community. 186 00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:31,135 But, in the way that Staten Island is part of New York City. 187 00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:33,268 -You know? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 188 00:09:34,922 --> 00:09:38,186 Like, technically, but, come on. You know? 189 00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:44,496 It's true we were Jewish. Like, we had the hats and the... 190 00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:47,499 indigestion, um, but... 191 00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:50,807 But we were different. To circle back to my conception story, 192 00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:54,419 I'll tell you that when I was conceived, I was conceived on a bed 193 00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:55,943 covered with auto parts, 194 00:09:55,986 --> 00:09:58,162 because that's the kind of parents I had. 195 00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:00,730 They had auto parts all over the house and all over the yard. 196 00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:03,559 Those people are usually your neighbors. That is my blood, all right? 197 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,736 That's... That's where I come from. That's my lineage. 198 00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:09,086 My mom was always trying to kick my dad 199 00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:10,784 out of the house and get rid of him. 200 00:10:10,827 --> 00:10:13,438 But he always came back with a very good argument. 201 00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:15,179 A bottle of tequila and... [CHUCKLES] 202 00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:19,619 She's like "That's my love language." 203 00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:25,059 So the kids stayed in the picture, you know. 204 00:10:25,102 --> 00:10:28,062 Now you know, what you need to know about my mom. 205 00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:29,890 Oh, and one more thing. 206 00:10:29,933 --> 00:10:32,501 I inherited my beautiful, long hair from my mother. Do you like it? 207 00:10:32,544 --> 00:10:35,460 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 208 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,116 Thank you, thank you. 209 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,597 Gentlemen, just so you know, the curtains match the drapes. 210 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,685 All right? 211 00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:45,862 My pubes are also 212 00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:49,387 twenty-six inches long. Um... [GIGGLES] 213 00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:53,000 Can you imagine if my vagina was swearing the same wig that I am? 214 00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:57,221 Just looking like Cousin Itt from Addams Family. 215 00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,919 [IMITATING COUSIN ITT] 216 00:11:00,311 --> 00:11:01,748 "Cousin Clitt" if you will. 217 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,974 If you will, um... 218 00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:12,759 Please do not encourage puns in the show. 219 00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:15,022 It will be an hour and a half long, all right? 220 00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:17,938 Yeah, my parents were trash 221 00:11:17,981 --> 00:11:20,244 but I have no room to judge 222 00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:22,769 because I was too. 223 00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:25,423 Okay, the apple did not fall far from the tree. 224 00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:27,164 I followed in their footsteps. 225 00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:29,863 Here's everything you need to know about me as a kid. 226 00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:33,823 There is this VHS tape of my synagogue from when I was very young. 227 00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:36,913 By the way, if you are, like, Generation Z, um... 228 00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:39,699 VHS tape is like, if TikTok lived in a brick. 229 00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:41,135 You know what I mean? Like... 230 00:11:43,093 --> 00:11:45,661 That's what that is. Anyway, there's this video of 231 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,055 my synagogue from when I was very young. 232 00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:51,623 And there's all these pious, nice, young Jewish boys 233 00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:54,670 dancing the hora to celebrate a high, holy holiday. 234 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,846 And you're like, "Where's Miz Cracker in all of this?" 235 00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:59,806 You know, and the camera keeps panning, 236 00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:03,418 and keeps panning and finally it lands on me. 237 00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:05,115 Separate from everyone else, 238 00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:06,726 finger in the center of my Yarmulke, 239 00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:09,293 giving you turns, and turns. 240 00:12:10,251 --> 00:12:11,339 Turns! 241 00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:21,741 Now that's what I call a hora, you know? 242 00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,354 Yeah, I was trash, okay? 243 00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:29,139 And just gay as an Arctic summer day is long. 244 00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:30,445 You know what I mean? 245 00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:33,100 Just trash. I was trash then 246 00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:35,885 and I am worse now. 247 00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:38,496 Look at me. I am 37 years old. You're welcome. 248 00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:41,108 MAN: [SHOUTS] Yeah. 249 00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:42,762 [MOUTHING] 250 00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:45,982 I'm 37 years old, 251 00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:48,202 dressed like this, okay. 252 00:12:48,245 --> 00:12:51,466 Still twirling for men's attention. 253 00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:54,686 Is it working? Is it? Got your attention? Okay. Thank you. 254 00:12:54,730 --> 00:12:56,253 Still twirling for men's attention 255 00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:57,864 and now just drinking, 256 00:12:57,907 --> 00:13:00,214 and smoking, and above all 257 00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:01,911 whoring around. Okay? 258 00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:11,355 By this age, all my friends have found their way 259 00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:15,272 to nice, monogamous, stable relationships. You know? 260 00:13:15,316 --> 00:13:17,144 And I'm still what? 261 00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:18,580 Handling more sausages 262 00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:21,191 than The Grays Papaya on 42nd street. You know? 263 00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:23,846 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 264 00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:26,718 All of my friends have picked one instrument to play 265 00:13:26,762 --> 00:13:29,069 and I'm still marching around like a one man band. 266 00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:30,635 Just... [GURGLING] 267 00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:36,206 Playing them all. You know? 268 00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:37,904 Let's put it this way. 269 00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:41,124 The MTA is not the only one running trains in New York City. 270 00:13:41,168 --> 00:13:42,691 All right? Let's go. 271 00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:51,874 Oh, you liked that too much, madam. Okay? 272 00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:55,312 Oh, yeah. You know, except my trains run on time and are clean 273 00:13:55,356 --> 00:13:57,227 So, guess what, MTA? 274 00:13:57,271 --> 00:14:00,796 I'm better at the job. All right? Oh, Lord. 275 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,843 It's so fucking disgusting. Like, it's hard being me. 276 00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:06,933 It's hard watching every single one of my friends 277 00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:10,632 get married, one after another, where I am always the bridesmaid, 278 00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:12,721 never the bride. You know what I'm saying? 279 00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:14,766 And the worst thing is, it's not the weddings. 280 00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:17,682 It's like the sympathy calls that married people give you after. 281 00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:21,034 You know, they're like, "Are you okay?" You're like... 282 00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:23,906 "Like, single is not terminal, okay?" 283 00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:26,822 Like, leave me alone. I remember when my friend Rachel, 284 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,346 when she got married, she called me right after. 285 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,087 And she had an extravagant wedding. I think 286 00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:32,741 it cost me more than it cost her. 287 00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:35,483 Um... She got married and then 288 00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:37,528 she called me right after, and she's like, 289 00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:41,402 "I just want you to know. 290 00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:45,014 "that just because I am on the other side of this huge milestone..." 291 00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:46,450 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 292 00:14:47,451 --> 00:14:49,453 LADIES: No, no, no, no. 293 00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:51,891 Right? 294 00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:54,632 You guys are my therapists. I appreciate this. 295 00:14:54,676 --> 00:14:56,939 I need validation. She's like, "Just because I'm on the other side 296 00:14:56,983 --> 00:14:58,767 "of this huge milestone, 297 00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:02,902 "that doesn't mean that we can't connect like we always used to." 298 00:15:03,641 --> 00:15:05,817 [AUDIENCE BOOING] 299 00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,516 Oh God! Please. 300 00:15:08,559 --> 00:15:10,257 [SHOUTS] Stop! [GASPS] 301 00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,912 Nevertheless, she persisted. She continued on. 302 00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,089 "I just want you to know 303 00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:18,482 "that one day 304 00:15:18,526 --> 00:15:21,050 "you're gonna find the most amazing guy, 305 00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:23,183 "and we are all gonna be so... 306 00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:26,099 -"surprised." -[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] 307 00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:35,282 I said, "Surprised?" 308 00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:37,849 Listen, bitch. I am like a game of Solitaire. 309 00:15:37,893 --> 00:15:40,722 When you play me you are really playing yourself. Do you know what I'm saying? 310 00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:42,854 Like I... 311 00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:44,378 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 312 00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:48,904 I hated that. 313 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,645 But you know what? I try not to listen to that bullshit. 314 00:15:50,688 --> 00:15:53,996 I try to find inspiration in the world to keep me optimistic. 315 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:58,261 For example, I've been thinking a lot about the story of Thomas Edison lately, 316 00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:01,438 -and how it took him... No, I have been. This is true. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 317 00:16:03,310 --> 00:16:05,007 It took him 10,000 times 318 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:07,488 to invent the light bulb. 319 00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:09,316 And he had this really optimistic view of it. 320 00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:11,057 There's this quote where he's like, you know, 321 00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:14,234 "I didn't fail 10,000 times to invent the light bulb. 322 00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,453 "I simply discovered... 323 00:16:16,497 --> 00:16:18,847 "ten thousand ways not to invent the light bulb." 324 00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:21,632 And I'm like, "C'est moi." 325 00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:23,852 -Okay, that's me. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 326 00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:27,595 I haven't failed 10,000 times to find a husband. 327 00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:31,642 I've simply discovered 10,000 men that weren't my husband. You know? 328 00:16:31,686 --> 00:16:33,644 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 329 00:16:40,651 --> 00:16:43,872 So, really I'm ahead of the game. Okay, yeah. 330 00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:45,961 But it isn't easy. It isn't easy being me. 331 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,225 It's not easy being busy all the time, you know? 332 00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:52,272 It's not easy saying, "Yes," to every single man that approaches me, 333 00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:55,405 because I do say, "Yes." 334 00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:58,060 Okay? On the street, 335 00:16:58,104 --> 00:16:59,931 on the bus, in an Uber. 336 00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:02,369 Okay? Ladies, some of you know this. 337 00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:06,286 But, men, you certainly do not. If you are a woman of a certain caliber, 338 00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:09,289 alone in an Uber, 339 00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:11,987 there is a very high chance that the driver is going to hit on you. 340 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:16,383 You know what I mean? Yes. Like there's always one lady, that's like, "It's me. Yes." 341 00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:17,732 Yeah, it's crazy. 342 00:17:17,775 --> 00:17:20,387 I remember the other day I was taking an Uber home 343 00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:21,866 from my friend Caitlyn's apartment. 344 00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:24,565 Caitlyn is here tonight. A round of applause for her. 345 00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:35,445 Yeah. I was taking an Uber home from her apartment, 346 00:17:35,489 --> 00:17:37,404 and it took two blocks 347 00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:40,102 for the driver to start hitting on me. He started hitting on me like that. 348 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:42,626 He was like, "So, you just starting work or you're just getting off." 349 00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:45,412 Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, "Ugh, God." 350 00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:47,544 It is so disgusting 351 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:50,156 that I'm gonna blow this guy. You know what I mean? 352 00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,596 Anyway, I could swear the car was an automatic, 353 00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:57,641 but four blocks later I was driving stick. 354 00:18:00,905 --> 00:18:02,733 Yeah. It's true. 355 00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,996 It's not easy being me, and I don't know why I'm like this. 356 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,477 Like, I will say yes to any man. 357 00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:10,001 Like even men that are not offering. 358 00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:11,046 Sir, yes. 359 00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:14,223 You know what I'm saying? No I will. 360 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,312 Like, I was taking the subway downtown 361 00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:18,619 the other day, and this guy came up to me 362 00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:20,621 with this huge bulge in his pants. 363 00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:22,840 And I was like, "Sir... 364 00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:26,453 "Is that a gun in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?" 365 00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:27,802 You know what I mean? 366 00:18:27,845 --> 00:18:29,586 Uh, plot twist. It was a gun. 367 00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:31,632 -Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 368 00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:34,287 He was not happy to see me. 369 00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:37,638 And now I don't have a wallet, so... 370 00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:41,032 By the way, I want you to know that that's not a joke. 371 00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:44,949 That's just an anecdote from [SHOUTS] my horrible month. 372 00:18:44,993 --> 00:18:46,951 Oh, God. 373 00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:49,084 Why am I like this? Why? 374 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,955 You know, I've given it a lot of thought 375 00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:54,002 and If you don't mind, I'll open up to you just a little bit. 376 00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:55,960 'Cause I think we're at that point in the set. 377 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,095 I don't wanna get, like, all Nanette and everything... 378 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,489 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 379 00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:05,927 but I think I'm like this... I think I'm such a hoe because 380 00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:08,930 I've just had my heart broken too many times. You know? 381 00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:10,410 -AUDIENCE: Aw! -Right? 382 00:19:10,453 --> 00:19:13,500 I can't trust regular relationships anymore, you know? 383 00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:17,286 I don't know if it's the kind of men that I bring into my life, 384 00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:20,333 or the fact that I saw my dad cheat on my mom so many times, 385 00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:23,162 but every guy that I've ever dated, 386 00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:24,815 has been cheated on by me, you know? 387 00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:26,077 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 388 00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:30,212 And I'm just like, how does that happen? 389 00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:32,475 What's the common denominator? 390 00:19:32,519 --> 00:19:35,174 Will the circle be unbroken? Lord, by and by. 391 00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:39,090 But I'm not going to stand up here and rag on men 392 00:19:39,134 --> 00:19:41,310 and relationships all evening, I promise. 393 00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:44,792 Okay? Because, it's true, I'm not married. 394 00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:47,882 But I am finally engaged, everybody. 395 00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:50,754 -Look at this! -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 396 00:19:55,368 --> 00:19:58,980 He went to Delia's or something. Look at this piece of shit. 397 00:19:59,023 --> 00:20:00,503 Oh, God, no. 398 00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:02,026 Yeah, I am engaged. 399 00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:04,681 I'm glad you applauded for it but you didn't have to. 400 00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:07,467 Like, getting a man, it's not that hard, you know? 401 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,644 Men are like STDs. 402 00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:13,342 The more you fuck around the more likely you are to catch one. 403 00:20:13,386 --> 00:20:15,431 You know what I'm saying? 404 00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:18,391 And if you fuck around the right way, you'll catch one you can't get rid of. 405 00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:24,440 But I was trying to talk about trash, everybody. 406 00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:27,617 I am trash. I used to try to hide it. 407 00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:31,273 I used to try to change it. But I do not anymore. 408 00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,536 -Okay? -[AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 409 00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:40,587 It's like Riverdance up here. I'm like, "I don't anymore!" 410 00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:45,853 I don't and that's because of an experience that I had in early 2020. 411 00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:49,160 Back in 2020, before the pandemic and all the shit happened, 412 00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:52,120 I was doing my favorite thing. I was in full geish, 413 00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:54,078 I was in drag, I was in a cab. 414 00:20:54,122 --> 00:20:56,559 Only at that time, I was trying to turn over a new leaf. 415 00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:58,648 I was trying to not be trash. 416 00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:02,435 So I wasn't hitting on the Uber driver even though he was gorgeous, you know? 417 00:21:02,478 --> 00:21:05,612 When suddenly, while I was pretending to be someone I wasn't, 418 00:21:05,655 --> 00:21:06,917 something happened. 419 00:21:06,961 --> 00:21:09,746 We got in a pretty major accident. Okay? 420 00:21:09,790 --> 00:21:13,228 The Uber slammed into the car in front of us, 421 00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,361 and me, an idiot not wearing a seatbelt 422 00:21:15,404 --> 00:21:18,146 because I hate to separate these two beauties, you know? 423 00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:22,281 Me, an idiot, I go flying forward 424 00:21:22,324 --> 00:21:24,848 and smash my face into the glass divider 425 00:21:24,892 --> 00:21:26,937 between me and the driver and just 426 00:21:26,981 --> 00:21:30,506 .hit the floor of the cab. 427 00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,465 But when I got up a few minutes later, 428 00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,119 the first thing that I saw, 429 00:21:35,163 --> 00:21:38,645 was my face printed on the glass divider 430 00:21:38,688 --> 00:21:41,300 like I was a human fucking stamp, you know what I mean? 431 00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:45,391 Just like lipstick, mascara, foundation, just smudged there. 432 00:21:45,434 --> 00:21:47,001 It looked like the Shroud of Turin 433 00:21:47,044 --> 00:21:49,090 if Jesus had ever come out as gay. 434 00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:51,788 The Shroud of Turin but make it fashion! 435 00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:57,577 And I immediately thought two things. 436 00:21:58,404 --> 00:22:00,275 One, that's hilarious. 437 00:22:02,364 --> 00:22:06,673 Two, I almost died while pretending to be somebody I'm not. 438 00:22:07,848 --> 00:22:10,938 Everybody, life is short. 439 00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:12,679 You never know when you might go, 440 00:22:12,722 --> 00:22:16,987 and when you go, you might leave in a hilarious fashion. 441 00:22:17,031 --> 00:22:22,558 So there's no time to pretend to be somebody you're not. Okay? 442 00:22:22,602 --> 00:22:24,908 Listen, looking out over l'etage, 443 00:22:24,952 --> 00:22:26,693 that's French for stage, you're welcome, 444 00:22:26,736 --> 00:22:28,651 this is education, m'kay? 445 00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:31,567 Forget Dua Lipa, this is Duolingo, okay? 446 00:22:31,611 --> 00:22:32,742 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 447 00:22:36,050 --> 00:22:38,182 Don't forget Dua Lipa, we stan. 448 00:22:38,226 --> 00:22:39,575 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 449 00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:47,322 Looking out ever this stage at all of your beautiful faces, 450 00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:50,499 I know that there are at least a couple of people out there 451 00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:52,849 who are just like me. 452 00:22:52,893 --> 00:22:56,113 Secret trash, yearning to be free, okay? 453 00:22:56,157 --> 00:22:58,072 And so I tell you, be free! 454 00:22:58,986 --> 00:23:00,379 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 455 00:23:01,728 --> 00:23:02,816 Yes! 456 00:23:04,557 --> 00:23:08,256 All right! So you'll spend a little more time in the free clinic. 457 00:23:08,299 --> 00:23:10,519 So do I. It doesn't matter, okay? 458 00:23:10,563 --> 00:23:12,652 What do you give the girl who has everything? 459 00:23:12,695 --> 00:23:14,741 Antibiotics! Here she is. 460 00:23:16,090 --> 00:23:20,050 I'm on them right now. Syphilis is a wild ride. 461 00:23:20,094 --> 00:23:21,574 Wish I could get off of it. 462 00:23:22,879 --> 00:23:25,534 However, at the end of the day, 463 00:23:25,578 --> 00:23:27,362 when that final Uber comes, 464 00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:30,452 you will have the satisfaction of leaving this world as yourself. 465 00:23:30,496 --> 00:23:33,455 And there is nothing more beautiful than that, everybody. 466 00:23:33,499 --> 00:23:34,891 [AUDIENCE HOOTING] 467 00:23:41,637 --> 00:23:45,075 Look what being trash has done for me. Okay? 468 00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:46,642 I was a nobody, 469 00:23:46,686 --> 00:23:49,645 conceived on a pile of auto-parts. And now, 470 00:23:50,298 --> 00:23:52,256 here I stand 471 00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:56,913 bringing joy to hundreds of Uber drivers across the city. 472 00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,569 I'm an essential worker, goddamnit! 473 00:24:00,613 --> 00:24:02,310 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 474 00:24:06,706 --> 00:24:12,189 And if that means being a little trashy then sign me, motherfucker, now! 475 00:24:19,414 --> 00:24:22,286 Thank you. Okay? That's how I feel right now. 476 00:24:22,330 --> 00:24:26,421 You know, I think you understand what the point of this show is, by this point, you know. 477 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:30,469 I'm just talking about loving who you are as you are, right now. 478 00:24:30,512 --> 00:24:31,948 Don't wait, okay? 479 00:24:31,992 --> 00:24:34,168 Don't wait for some improvement or try to make one. 480 00:24:34,211 --> 00:24:37,171 Just love yourself first and see what happens after. 481 00:24:37,214 --> 00:24:39,216 And speaking of self-love, 482 00:24:39,260 --> 00:24:41,175 who is drinking tonight? Let's get to that. 483 00:24:41,218 --> 00:24:43,525 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 484 00:24:43,569 --> 00:24:46,267 Yes, lift your glasses in the air 485 00:24:46,310 --> 00:24:49,792 because we are celebrating my comedy special, everybody! 486 00:24:49,836 --> 00:24:53,187 -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -L'chiam! 487 00:24:53,230 --> 00:24:54,449 Have a nice sip. 488 00:24:57,321 --> 00:24:59,019 Delicious. 489 00:24:59,062 --> 00:25:01,369 Who is already wasted? Gimme a cheer if you're already wasted. 490 00:25:01,412 --> 00:25:03,589 -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -Great. 491 00:25:03,632 --> 00:25:05,634 I love when my audience is drunk. 492 00:25:05,678 --> 00:25:08,332 And a lot of drag queens will be like, 493 00:25:08,376 --> 00:25:10,552 [IN SING-SONG VOICE] "You know, the drunker you are, the prettier I am." 494 00:25:10,596 --> 00:25:13,555 or like, "The drunker you are, the more I look like a woman." 495 00:25:13,599 --> 00:25:15,862 [IN NORMAL VOICE] But, let's face it okay, 496 00:25:15,905 --> 00:25:19,692 even if you're stone cold sober, I look like a beautiful lady. All right? 497 00:25:19,735 --> 00:25:22,433 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 498 00:25:41,017 --> 00:25:44,107 You don't need beer goggles to look at this, okay? 499 00:25:44,151 --> 00:25:47,154 You need binoculars, um, i just... 500 00:25:47,197 --> 00:25:50,418 Yeah, and, like, it's not like I get any of the drink sales either. 501 00:25:50,461 --> 00:25:53,421 It's just like, when I'm here performing 502 00:25:53,464 --> 00:25:57,556 and you're there wasted, It reminds me of like, 503 00:25:57,599 --> 00:26:00,820 hanging out with my mom as a kid. You know what I mean? 504 00:26:00,863 --> 00:26:03,997 That's my happy place, everybody! 505 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:05,781 Oh God! 506 00:26:05,825 --> 00:26:09,219 But, just to let you know, I am being responsible tonight, okay? 507 00:26:09,263 --> 00:26:12,571 The pilot of this plane is sober, okay? 508 00:26:12,614 --> 00:26:16,531 I'm not drinking. I'm having a total Rojoor a Red Bull, 509 00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:20,013 if you will, that's all. That's all I'm having, okay? 510 00:26:20,056 --> 00:26:22,450 So you can trust me, I'm gonna land this plane safely. 511 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,542 Really gives me wings. I love this stuff. 512 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:31,024 I have a bizarre, by the way, bizarre relationship with Red Bull. 513 00:26:31,067 --> 00:26:33,417 Where I'm obsessed 514 00:26:33,461 --> 00:26:35,419 and they do not care about me at all. Okay? 515 00:26:35,463 --> 00:26:37,900 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -It's so sad. 516 00:26:37,944 --> 00:26:42,252 Because, as I said, I've been on the television, okay. I have some followers on the internet. 517 00:26:42,296 --> 00:26:45,516 -Okay? -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 518 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:49,172 I think I have what it takes to be a mascot for Red Bull. 519 00:26:49,216 --> 00:26:54,743 You know, I should have like, Red Bull emblazoned up the sides of my dresses. 520 00:26:54,787 --> 00:26:57,703 I think that would be great for me and for them. 521 00:26:57,746 --> 00:27:01,141 And so I've like... Caitlyn and I have been working on it. 522 00:27:01,184 --> 00:27:04,492 I drink Red Bull before a show, during the show, after a show, 523 00:27:04,535 --> 00:27:06,233 and I take pictures and I tag Red Bull and I'm like, 524 00:27:06,276 --> 00:27:08,931 "My favorite thing..." You know. 525 00:27:08,975 --> 00:27:10,498 "Hey, followers..." You know? 526 00:27:10,541 --> 00:27:13,762 They have never responded to any of that shit. 527 00:27:14,415 --> 00:27:16,025 At all. 528 00:27:16,069 --> 00:27:18,637 In fact, the only time they have responded to me in any way 529 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,770 is one time someone took a picture of me 530 00:27:21,814 --> 00:27:23,642 drinking a different energy drink... 531 00:27:23,685 --> 00:27:25,078 [AUDIENCE GASPS] 532 00:27:25,121 --> 00:27:26,340 And they liked that. 533 00:27:26,383 --> 00:27:28,255 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 534 00:27:30,866 --> 00:27:34,174 And I was like, "Look, if I want passive aggressive criticism," 535 00:27:35,436 --> 00:27:37,264 "I'll just get back in touch with my dad." 536 00:27:37,307 --> 00:27:39,745 You know, like... [SNICKERING] 537 00:27:39,788 --> 00:27:41,703 Just kidding, I would never. All right? 538 00:27:43,313 --> 00:27:44,924 But the thing is like, 539 00:27:44,967 --> 00:27:46,839 whether I have a good relationship with Red Bull or not, 540 00:27:46,882 --> 00:27:48,971 I need it, okay? I need it 541 00:27:49,015 --> 00:27:53,933 because as I said, I'm 30-motherfucking-seven years old, okay? 542 00:27:53,976 --> 00:27:56,370 -I just... -[ALL APPLAUDING] 543 00:27:56,413 --> 00:28:01,854 I am old and crotchety and cobwebby and dusty. 544 00:28:01,897 --> 00:28:05,814 All I have been doing is making faces and jumping around a little bit in these boots 545 00:28:05,858 --> 00:28:07,860 and I am sweating. 546 00:28:08,991 --> 00:28:11,690 Like white liberals in 2020, you know. 547 00:28:11,733 --> 00:28:12,865 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 548 00:28:15,737 --> 00:28:17,913 Oh God, old and crotchety me. 549 00:28:17,957 --> 00:28:22,352 But, luckily, like I said, I have Red Bull and I have something even more powerful. 550 00:28:22,396 --> 00:28:25,312 I have you guys. Give yourselves another round of applause. 551 00:28:25,355 --> 00:28:26,443 [ALL APPLAUDING] 552 00:28:35,801 --> 00:28:37,063 God, I love that! 553 00:28:37,106 --> 00:28:40,327 I love being on a stage again. It's so amazing. 554 00:28:40,370 --> 00:28:43,591 Because, I don't know if you can tell by this point but I am a... 555 00:28:45,332 --> 00:28:47,726 attention whore. Um... 556 00:28:47,769 --> 00:28:53,340 By trade, and being on stage is the only thing that makes me really happy. 557 00:28:53,383 --> 00:28:55,255 And it's been so hard over the past year 558 00:28:55,298 --> 00:28:57,953 because in the pandemic I had to do everything digitally. 559 00:28:57,997 --> 00:29:01,391 I had to pivot, which if I hear the word again, 560 00:29:01,435 --> 00:29:04,264 I will strangle the closest thing. 561 00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:07,789 Yeah so, I had to do everything digital. I had to perform on Skype, 562 00:29:07,833 --> 00:29:09,965 and on Zoom and on Twitch 563 00:29:10,009 --> 00:29:12,402 and on Grindr voice message, you know. 564 00:29:12,446 --> 00:29:13,926 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 565 00:29:15,536 --> 00:29:16,755 [DEEP VOICE] "Sup?" You know? 566 00:29:19,279 --> 00:29:20,976 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 567 00:29:23,370 --> 00:29:24,632 Yes, I am masc. 568 00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:31,900 None of that is as satisfying as a real life audience. 569 00:29:31,944 --> 00:29:33,946 It's just true. 570 00:29:33,989 --> 00:29:36,339 Like, I don't want to be crass, 'cause as I told you earlier, I am classy. 571 00:29:37,601 --> 00:29:40,604 But stand-up comedy is kinda like sex. 572 00:29:40,648 --> 00:29:42,824 It's hard to improve your game 573 00:29:42,868 --> 00:29:44,608 if you're locked in a room by yourself. 574 00:29:44,652 --> 00:29:46,088 You know what I'm saying? 575 00:29:46,132 --> 00:29:48,874 Like, you kinda need someone there with you 576 00:29:48,917 --> 00:29:51,485 to let you know if what you're doing is working. 577 00:29:51,528 --> 00:29:54,923 Someone to make weird noises if you're doing something right. 578 00:29:54,967 --> 00:29:58,797 Or no noises if you're doing something wrong. You know what I'm saying? 579 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,538 So it's very hard to write this one hour special 580 00:30:01,582 --> 00:30:04,193 alone in my room, using a brush as a microphone 581 00:30:04,237 --> 00:30:06,979 like i used to as a kid in my mom's heels. You know what I mean? 582 00:30:07,022 --> 00:30:10,112 Like, "I just came here from Florida, and, boy, are my arms tired". 583 00:30:10,156 --> 00:30:12,375 Like, blah, blah. 584 00:30:12,419 --> 00:30:16,423 I went through the five stages of Jewish grief. 585 00:30:17,554 --> 00:30:20,079 Bargaining, um... 586 00:30:20,122 --> 00:30:24,083 Bargaining, bargaining, bargaining, and bargaining, 587 00:30:25,780 --> 00:30:27,651 Yeah. 588 00:30:27,695 --> 00:30:30,872 The Gentiles are nervously clapping, like... 589 00:30:30,916 --> 00:30:32,831 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 590 00:30:32,874 --> 00:30:36,269 "Is this okay?" It's fine. You have permission here, tonight, okay? 591 00:30:36,312 --> 00:30:39,054 I'm your Jew friend, I say it's okay. 592 00:30:39,098 --> 00:30:42,536 Um, yeah. And I went through all of that and I realized that 593 00:30:42,579 --> 00:30:45,669 if we want to do comedy in 2021, 594 00:30:45,713 --> 00:30:47,323 all you have to do 595 00:30:47,367 --> 00:30:49,064 is talk about what you've been through 596 00:30:49,108 --> 00:30:51,980 and what we've all been through over the past year 597 00:30:52,024 --> 00:30:53,460 because, goddamit! 598 00:30:53,503 --> 00:30:54,591 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 599 00:30:54,635 --> 00:30:55,636 You know? 600 00:30:59,118 --> 00:31:03,122 We have been through so much. Let's review. Okay? 601 00:31:03,165 --> 00:31:04,950 Global pandemic. 602 00:31:04,993 --> 00:31:06,560 Global recession. 603 00:31:06,603 --> 00:31:07,996 Global injustice. 604 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:11,304 Trump, wildfires, gender reveal parties, 605 00:31:11,347 --> 00:31:13,915 good vaccines, and bad vaccines, and wars, 606 00:31:13,959 --> 00:31:15,917 and now a plague of cicadas is on the way. 607 00:31:15,961 --> 00:31:18,137 [SCREECHING] Oh my God! 608 00:31:18,180 --> 00:31:21,923 Like, the world is on fire and we have been trapped in that, you know? 609 00:31:21,967 --> 00:31:23,142 I want to talk about that 610 00:31:23,185 --> 00:31:25,013 but I want to talk about something specific 611 00:31:25,057 --> 00:31:28,451 that I don't think gets enough coverage in the news anymore. Okay? 612 00:31:28,495 --> 00:31:31,367 Something that I have been deeply affected by 613 00:31:31,411 --> 00:31:33,065 and I want to know if you have too. 614 00:31:33,108 --> 00:31:36,111 It's a little something called the quarantine 15. 615 00:31:38,331 --> 00:31:41,943 If you are thicker down here in June this year, give me a cheer. 616 00:31:41,987 --> 00:31:43,075 [WHOOPING] 617 00:31:44,728 --> 00:31:47,557 And if you have been desperately trying to work that weight off 618 00:31:47,601 --> 00:31:48,819 give me a cheer too. 619 00:31:48,863 --> 00:31:49,908 [CHEERING] 620 00:31:50,647 --> 00:31:53,128 It's fucking awful. 621 00:31:53,172 --> 00:31:56,392 Like, at this point if I continue, I'm gonna have to refer to 2019 622 00:31:56,436 --> 00:31:59,874 as four score and seven pounds ago. Okay, you know? 623 00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:02,007 I had this terrible experience the other day 624 00:32:02,050 --> 00:32:03,965 where I was getting ready for a photoshoot 625 00:32:04,009 --> 00:32:05,924 and I had this face together, like, 626 00:32:05,967 --> 00:32:09,666 easy, breezy, beautiful, CoverGirl, shablam, you know? 627 00:32:09,710 --> 00:32:13,279 Looking more dewy than a decimal is, and, uh... 628 00:32:13,322 --> 00:32:15,368 Doing a photoshoot because I'm a millennial 629 00:32:15,411 --> 00:32:17,326 and that's all we have to offer to the world. 630 00:32:18,806 --> 00:32:20,851 Getting ready for the shoot, face looked great, 631 00:32:20,895 --> 00:32:22,984 but then I went to put on my little pencil skirt 632 00:32:23,028 --> 00:32:24,551 and I was like, skirt! 633 00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:28,468 Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's quarantine. 634 00:32:28,511 --> 00:32:29,860 You know, I'm like... 635 00:32:29,904 --> 00:32:32,689 It won't go up over my thighs anymore! 636 00:32:32,733 --> 00:32:34,865 And I did everything. I did like, the wiggle, 637 00:32:34,909 --> 00:32:37,129 I did the spawning salmon leap, you know. 638 00:32:38,782 --> 00:32:41,002 And then I caught my reflection in the mirror 639 00:32:41,046 --> 00:32:44,614 and it was just very National Geographicto me. 640 00:32:44,658 --> 00:32:48,270 As the skirt was squeezing up over my milky white thighs 641 00:32:48,314 --> 00:32:50,838 it just looked like a snake trying to swallow a pig 642 00:32:50,881 --> 00:32:53,580 in a Discovery Channel documentary, you know what I mean? 643 00:32:53,623 --> 00:32:55,625 I'm like, how did we get here? 644 00:32:55,669 --> 00:32:59,412 Nobody's supposed to be here, okay? 645 00:32:59,455 --> 00:33:03,459 I used to be so skinny, I used to be a skeleton. 646 00:33:03,503 --> 00:33:05,331 Which if you're gay, is an eating disorder 647 00:33:05,374 --> 00:33:07,420 referred to as [SHOUTING] goals! 648 00:33:08,812 --> 00:33:09,900 [SHOUTING] Yes! 649 00:33:11,511 --> 00:33:15,994 But now, what, I've gained 36 pounds. 650 00:33:16,037 --> 00:33:18,300 Thirty-six pounds and... Right? 651 00:33:18,344 --> 00:33:20,259 [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] 652 00:33:20,302 --> 00:33:25,481 You guys got 20% more for your ticket price. You know what I mean? 653 00:33:25,525 --> 00:33:26,743 That's entertainment. 654 00:33:26,787 --> 00:33:28,745 Yeah, I just, like, it's so fucking awful. 655 00:33:28,789 --> 00:33:31,270 Now, every time I get undressed around the apartment, 656 00:33:31,313 --> 00:33:34,795 my boyfriend tells me I'm built like, and I quote, 657 00:33:34,838 --> 00:33:36,884 the mayor of a small town 658 00:33:37,624 --> 00:33:39,234 in a Dr. Seuss book. 659 00:33:39,278 --> 00:33:40,757 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 660 00:33:42,672 --> 00:33:45,197 And I'm like, well, I guess I'm not wearing stripedy socks 661 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:47,634 to bed anymore. You know what I'm saying? 662 00:33:47,677 --> 00:33:50,376 By the way, who had to go through lockdown with a partner? 663 00:33:50,419 --> 00:33:52,856 Raise your hand if you had to go through like I see it. 664 00:33:52,900 --> 00:33:54,206 Okay, yeah, some of you. 665 00:33:54,249 --> 00:33:56,208 It was fucking awful, wasn't it? 666 00:33:56,904 --> 00:33:58,514 I know you can't say it, 667 00:33:58,558 --> 00:34:00,081 because the moment you do 668 00:34:00,125 --> 00:34:01,865 it's gonna be Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? 669 00:34:01,909 --> 00:34:03,302 all over again at your house. 670 00:34:03,345 --> 00:34:04,868 You're gonna go at each other throats 671 00:34:04,912 --> 00:34:07,567 like, I am in this apartment! 672 00:34:07,610 --> 00:34:10,918 But yeah, my partner isn't here so I can say it clearly. 673 00:34:10,961 --> 00:34:13,399 It was fucking terrible, I hated it. 674 00:34:13,442 --> 00:34:17,446 You know, like, living with a partner under the best circumstances 675 00:34:17,490 --> 00:34:19,927 is awful, you know? 676 00:34:19,970 --> 00:34:22,843 Living with a partner is like being haunted. 677 00:34:24,671 --> 00:34:27,761 Weird shit appears in your drains. 678 00:34:27,804 --> 00:34:30,981 You get woken up by bizarre noises at night. 679 00:34:31,025 --> 00:34:32,983 You leave the kitchen for five seconds 680 00:34:33,027 --> 00:34:36,900 and come back and all the cabinets are open for no reason. 681 00:34:36,944 --> 00:34:38,467 And if it goes on for long enough, 682 00:34:38,511 --> 00:34:41,905 your parents try to get a priest involved. 683 00:34:41,949 --> 00:34:46,910 But living with a partner in lockdown is 1000 times worse. 684 00:34:46,954 --> 00:34:50,262 It's like this show where there's only two characters, 685 00:34:50,305 --> 00:34:53,134 one set, and the only plot development 686 00:34:53,178 --> 00:34:54,918 is screaming! 687 00:34:56,355 --> 00:34:59,836 It's like you're stuck in a Sawmovie, you know? 688 00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:01,882 Or any David Mamet play ever written. 689 00:35:03,057 --> 00:35:05,015 That was just for the theater nerds! 690 00:35:06,974 --> 00:35:09,585 I was like, I could cut it but I know there's one person 691 00:35:09,629 --> 00:35:11,718 in very thick glasses that's going to love that. 692 00:35:13,328 --> 00:35:15,156 Like, "Mmm-hmm, yeah, 693 00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:17,115 "That's true of his oeuvre." 694 00:35:18,420 --> 00:35:21,075 No, but it's true, I fucking hate it, and uh... 695 00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:23,338 You know, it's not like I don't love my boyfriend, 696 00:35:23,382 --> 00:35:24,774 I really do, you know. 697 00:35:24,818 --> 00:35:26,646 As a top... 698 00:35:26,689 --> 00:35:29,736 I can say his hole is greater than the sum of his parts, you know? 699 00:35:31,781 --> 00:35:34,001 And after four years, 700 00:35:34,044 --> 00:35:36,525 we still love having sex. You know? 701 00:35:36,569 --> 00:35:38,223 Sometimes even with each other. 702 00:35:40,964 --> 00:35:43,141 Yeah, this is the part in the show where... 703 00:35:43,184 --> 00:35:44,707 [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] 704 00:35:51,975 --> 00:35:53,803 This is the part in the show where I admit 705 00:35:53,847 --> 00:35:56,458 that I have no idea what's going on with my relationship right now. 706 00:35:56,502 --> 00:35:59,113 Like, I can't tell if we are open or closed 707 00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:02,116 but if I think about it carefully, I think we're just a jar. 708 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,205 You know what I'm saying? Like, uh... 709 00:36:04,249 --> 00:36:06,425 We tried to close it, it just didn't latch. 710 00:36:06,468 --> 00:36:11,038 And I remember, like, when we first tried to close the relationship. 711 00:36:11,081 --> 00:36:14,172 I think my boyfriend had been thinking about everything that we'd shared 712 00:36:14,215 --> 00:36:16,739 and all the trust that we'd built together. 713 00:36:16,783 --> 00:36:18,698 I was sitting in the living room 714 00:36:18,741 --> 00:36:21,004 and he came in and he just looked at me in the eyes 715 00:36:21,048 --> 00:36:23,137 and he was like, "You know, I've been thinking, 716 00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:25,400 "I don't want to sleep with other people anymore". 717 00:36:25,444 --> 00:36:28,795 And I was like, "Oh, my God. 718 00:36:28,838 --> 00:36:32,102 "That's so crazy, I was thinking the same thing, you know. 719 00:36:32,146 --> 00:36:34,322 "I don't want you to sleep with other people anymore..." 720 00:36:34,366 --> 00:36:35,671 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 721 00:36:36,498 --> 00:36:38,500 "...either, you know?" 722 00:36:38,544 --> 00:36:41,895 "Anyway, I'm gonna go get wrecking balled like Miley Cyrus." 723 00:36:41,938 --> 00:36:43,418 [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] 724 00:36:46,291 --> 00:36:49,119 "I will see you after dinner." You know? [LAUGHING] 725 00:36:50,251 --> 00:36:52,558 So, I guess it's open in so far as, 726 00:36:52,601 --> 00:36:54,212 in so much as, 727 00:36:54,255 --> 00:36:56,866 I'm doing whatever the hell I want. You know what I'm saying? 728 00:36:56,910 --> 00:36:59,217 But I just don't want to label it as open 729 00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:01,523 because like, don't judge me, 730 00:37:01,567 --> 00:37:06,224 but I think open relationships are [YODELING] hilarious. 731 00:37:06,267 --> 00:37:07,616 Okay? 732 00:37:07,660 --> 00:37:10,837 Like, when you go out with an open couple, 733 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,796 you're going out to brunch, you're having, like, mimosas, 734 00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:16,277 and you want to ask the question. You're drunk enough. 735 00:37:16,321 --> 00:37:19,498 You're like, "So what is it like being in an open relationship?" 736 00:37:19,541 --> 00:37:22,414 You always get the same answer from both parties. 737 00:37:22,457 --> 00:37:24,546 It just means two very different things. 738 00:37:24,590 --> 00:37:27,070 You know, you ask the first guy, and he's like, 739 00:37:27,114 --> 00:37:28,158 "It's great". 740 00:37:28,202 --> 00:37:29,899 You're like, oh, okay. 741 00:37:29,943 --> 00:37:31,858 You ask the second guy and he's like, [DEJECTED] "It's great". 742 00:37:31,901 --> 00:37:33,294 You're like... 743 00:37:36,123 --> 00:37:38,908 "What's going on behind your eyes, like, 744 00:37:38,952 --> 00:37:40,910 "blink twice if you're in trouble". 745 00:37:43,261 --> 00:37:46,220 "No, it's great. He takes advantage of it more often than I do, 746 00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:48,744 "but I would if I could, I just don't have time in my schedule, 747 00:37:48,788 --> 00:37:50,442 "I will have time next year..." 748 00:37:50,485 --> 00:37:52,879 You're like, whoa, stop, okay? 749 00:37:52,922 --> 00:37:54,576 Hold up a newspaper with the date, 750 00:37:54,620 --> 00:37:56,709 is this a hostage situation? 751 00:37:56,752 --> 00:37:58,014 Like, what's happening? 752 00:37:58,058 --> 00:38:00,147 And like, not to do a sidebar on a sidebar, 753 00:38:00,190 --> 00:38:02,802 But I would like to say that those miserable open couples 754 00:38:02,845 --> 00:38:04,499 are the very first people in the world 755 00:38:04,543 --> 00:38:07,807 to have the most annoying, obnoxious couples Instagrams. 756 00:38:07,850 --> 00:38:09,852 You know what I'm saying? 757 00:38:09,896 --> 00:38:13,334 "Out at the grocery store with bae," and, like, "In the bathroom with bae." 758 00:38:13,378 --> 00:38:15,728 I was like, why are you brainwashing us 759 00:38:15,771 --> 00:38:18,208 -that you're together? Do you know what I mean? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 760 00:38:18,252 --> 00:38:20,298 Can't you do like the rest of us and fool yourselves? 761 00:38:20,341 --> 00:38:22,300 You know what I'm saying? 762 00:38:22,343 --> 00:38:25,215 And it's just like, it's so wonderful because there always comes that day, 763 00:38:25,259 --> 00:38:28,480 you know what I'm talking about, when you go to one of their Instagram feeds 764 00:38:28,523 --> 00:38:31,657 -and, uh, it's blank... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 765 00:38:31,700 --> 00:38:36,357 ...except for, like, a picture of some pancakes, a dog, and a selfie from 2015, 766 00:38:36,401 --> 00:38:38,968 -and they've had to delete everything else. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 767 00:38:39,012 --> 00:38:42,755 And you're just like, "Trouble in paradise." 768 00:38:48,630 --> 00:38:52,025 There's something rotten in Denmark. Um, yeah, just like... 769 00:38:52,068 --> 00:38:55,811 I love that. I love when people build themselves up on the Internet, 770 00:38:55,855 --> 00:38:59,424 that way, when it all catches fire, I have something to warm my hands by. 771 00:38:59,467 --> 00:39:01,904 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS] 772 00:39:01,948 --> 00:39:05,386 And I wouldn't light a relationship on fire. I wouldn't. I'm not like that. 773 00:39:05,430 --> 00:39:07,780 But if it's going to burn, I'd like to enjoy it. 774 00:39:07,823 --> 00:39:10,391 -You know what I mean? It's going to burn anyway. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 775 00:39:10,435 --> 00:39:13,263 Uh, but, yeah, like I said, I don't judge. 776 00:39:13,307 --> 00:39:17,093 I think that, you know, in this world where there's so little love, 777 00:39:17,137 --> 00:39:21,184 you've got to keep the love you have by any means necessary. 778 00:39:21,228 --> 00:39:25,319 and, sometimes, that means giving each other a little space, a little freedom. 779 00:39:25,363 --> 00:39:28,366 And, sometimes, it means indulging each other's fantasies. 780 00:39:28,409 --> 00:39:30,672 -You know what I'm talking about? You know, like... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 781 00:39:30,716 --> 00:39:32,631 Like, I think that my partner and I 782 00:39:32,674 --> 00:39:36,765 have stayed together for so long because we have the same fantasies, okay? 783 00:39:36,809 --> 00:39:41,814 Especially fantasies around morning sex. Okay? Who likes morning sex in here? 784 00:39:41,857 --> 00:39:44,164 -[AUDIENCE WHOOPS] -Mmm, yes. 785 00:39:44,207 --> 00:39:46,906 Um, so great, like, he has this... 786 00:39:46,949 --> 00:39:49,996 I can't believe I'm gonna say this because my mom's going to watch this. 787 00:39:50,039 --> 00:39:51,693 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -But... [CHUCKLES] 788 00:39:51,737 --> 00:39:56,089 He has this fantasy where he's asleep, 789 00:39:56,132 --> 00:39:58,918 and I wake up early, and I kind of, you know... 790 00:39:58,961 --> 00:40:01,573 -[MAKES GUTTURAL NOISES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 791 00:40:04,445 --> 00:40:07,927 ...start his day, right? You know what I'm talking about? 792 00:40:07,970 --> 00:40:10,930 -And I have a... This lady's crying. I love that. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 793 00:40:10,973 --> 00:40:13,498 Christina Ricci over here has had it. She's like... [LAUGHS] 794 00:40:13,541 --> 00:40:16,239 Anyway, yeah. And I have a very similar fantasy. 795 00:40:16,283 --> 00:40:19,286 I have this fantasy where I'm asleep... 796 00:40:19,329 --> 00:40:20,592 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] 797 00:40:20,635 --> 00:40:24,073 ...and he wakes up early, and he... 798 00:40:24,117 --> 00:40:25,901 leaves me the fuck alone. 799 00:40:25,945 --> 00:40:27,816 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 800 00:40:29,165 --> 00:40:30,950 [SCREAMS] Get out of my face! 801 00:40:30,993 --> 00:40:35,389 We just went through lockdown together. God! 802 00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:37,913 [GROANS] God. 803 00:40:37,957 --> 00:40:40,089 Yeah, fucking terrible. 804 00:40:40,133 --> 00:40:41,787 -But... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 805 00:40:41,830 --> 00:40:44,050 I do... I love him a lot. I do. 806 00:40:44,093 --> 00:40:47,923 Of course, I go through those moments of doubt that everybody has. 807 00:40:47,967 --> 00:40:51,753 You know, where I'm like, "Do I just like him because he's a fitness model?" 808 00:40:51,797 --> 00:40:53,625 -You know what I mean? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 809 00:40:53,668 --> 00:40:55,583 Because he's young and muscly, 810 00:40:55,627 --> 00:40:58,151 and when he gets old and wrinkly, will that fade, you know? 811 00:40:58,194 --> 00:41:00,414 But then, when we're having dinner together 812 00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:04,026 and, like, looking into each other's eyes and sharing stories, 813 00:41:04,070 --> 00:41:06,768 I just realize that what he has 814 00:41:06,812 --> 00:41:10,163 is so much more important than youth and muscles. 815 00:41:10,206 --> 00:41:12,252 -He's hung... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 816 00:41:16,604 --> 00:41:18,432 And that lasts forever. So... 817 00:41:18,476 --> 00:41:21,174 [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] 818 00:41:21,217 --> 00:41:24,177 I'll just be, like, sucking his dick when he's 90 with my, like, 819 00:41:24,220 --> 00:41:26,527 -hand over everything else, just like... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 820 00:41:26,571 --> 00:41:29,617 You know what I mean? Just like, put something over that, 821 00:41:29,661 --> 00:41:31,924 just throw a chemise over that 822 00:41:31,967 --> 00:41:35,101 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[GIGGLES] 823 00:41:35,144 --> 00:41:38,974 Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? 824 00:41:39,018 --> 00:41:41,020 Oh, that's right. I was talking about the Quarantine 15. 825 00:41:41,063 --> 00:41:44,066 Uh, [CHUCKLES] yeah, sorry. I got sidetracked. 826 00:41:44,110 --> 00:41:47,809 Just to let you know, as you may have noticed by now, it's true. 827 00:41:47,853 --> 00:41:50,638 My comedy does meander, okay? 828 00:41:50,682 --> 00:41:53,075 But, uh, "meander" isn't a bad word. 829 00:41:53,119 --> 00:41:56,339 It actually comes from the ancient Greek "Meandros," 830 00:41:56,383 --> 00:42:01,475 which is the name of a river that wanders all over the place, okay? 831 00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:03,782 But here's the thing about the river. 832 00:42:03,825 --> 00:42:08,526 Its waters always find their way to their destination, the sea. 833 00:42:08,569 --> 00:42:12,530 And my comedy will always find its way to its destination, 834 00:42:12,573 --> 00:42:15,445 -your hearts, okay? -AUDIENCE: Aw. 835 00:42:15,489 --> 00:42:17,056 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 836 00:42:17,099 --> 00:42:20,102 But also, hopefully, cable television, you know? 837 00:42:20,146 --> 00:42:21,147 Like... 838 00:42:29,895 --> 00:42:31,853 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 839 00:42:36,815 --> 00:42:40,732 Anyway, I was talking about the Quarantine 15, and how I went 840 00:42:40,775 --> 00:42:44,387 from Nightmare Before Christmas to Grinch Who Stole Christmas. 841 00:42:44,431 --> 00:42:47,434 in, like, a series of a few months, it was so fucking awful. 842 00:42:47,477 --> 00:42:50,219 And the thing is, like, I don't mind the extra weight. 843 00:42:50,263 --> 00:42:52,134 Do you guys like how it looks on my body? 844 00:42:52,178 --> 00:42:54,049 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 845 00:42:56,312 --> 00:42:57,749 It feels good too. 846 00:42:57,792 --> 00:43:00,055 I like to touch myself, and now, I'm always touching 847 00:43:00,099 --> 00:43:03,189 because my thighs are constantly together, like, 848 00:43:03,232 --> 00:43:05,974 we love a little friction, right? We love that. 849 00:43:06,018 --> 00:43:09,238 Keeps me warm. [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] It keeps me warm, you know? 850 00:43:09,282 --> 00:43:11,937 And, yeah, so, I don't mind it, but it's just, like, 851 00:43:11,980 --> 00:43:14,243 the feedback that I get from the world that's so awful. 852 00:43:14,287 --> 00:43:18,900 Like, someone on Twitter had the audacity to ask, "Are you pregnant?" 853 00:43:18,944 --> 00:43:20,641 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 854 00:43:20,685 --> 00:43:23,470 And it just, like, hit me right here, you know, because... 855 00:43:23,513 --> 00:43:25,733 -I've been trying, you know? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 856 00:43:25,777 --> 00:43:28,736 Gentlemen, uh, [CHUCKLES] just so you know. 857 00:43:28,780 --> 00:43:32,914 Yeah. And someone on YouTube commented on one of my videos 858 00:43:32,958 --> 00:43:35,003 and they were like, and I quote 859 00:43:35,047 --> 00:43:37,789 "You finally look feminine now that you've put on weight," 860 00:43:37,832 --> 00:43:39,878 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 861 00:43:39,921 --> 00:43:43,098 And I was like, "Thank you for Eiffel Towering me with those two compliments. 862 00:43:43,142 --> 00:43:46,928 -"I appreciate being double stuck by them." Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 863 00:43:46,972 --> 00:43:50,497 And then someone who wrote for The New York Times 864 00:43:50,540 --> 00:43:52,325 who reviews RuPaul's drag race said 865 00:43:52,368 --> 00:43:55,763 that my hips are so wide, I look short by comparison, 866 00:43:55,807 --> 00:43:57,591 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 867 00:43:57,635 --> 00:44:00,899 Well, like, I don't fucking need this and it gets into your head. 868 00:44:00,942 --> 00:44:03,771 And it kind of has fucked up my relationships with my friends, 869 00:44:03,815 --> 00:44:06,469 -especially my skinny ones. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 870 00:44:06,513 --> 00:44:09,472 One of my skinny friends called me in the middle of lockdown. 871 00:44:09,516 --> 00:44:11,997 She was like, "I think I got the COVID 19." And I was like, 872 00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:15,827 "You're lucky, bitch. I have, like, the COVID 40 at this point." [SCREAMS] 873 00:44:15,870 --> 00:44:20,832 -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] -You know? And my friend and comedian, Matteo Lane, 874 00:44:20,875 --> 00:44:22,921 he looks gorgeous after all this, and I was like, 875 00:44:22,964 --> 00:44:25,706 "How do you stay skinny through all this bullshit?" 876 00:44:25,750 --> 00:44:27,708 And he's like, "Oh, I wish I could be like you, 877 00:44:27,752 --> 00:44:30,842 "but I lose weight when I'm stressed." [WHINES] 878 00:44:30,885 --> 00:44:34,193 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -You know what I mean? 879 00:44:34,236 --> 00:44:36,021 It's fucked up my relationships with my friend, 880 00:44:36,064 --> 00:44:39,764 and it has made my relationship with my family 10 times worse, 881 00:44:39,807 --> 00:44:42,244 as if that needed to happen. Um... 882 00:44:42,288 --> 00:44:44,856 As you can imagine, there's plenty of reasons 883 00:44:44,899 --> 00:44:47,423 for my family to criticize me at this point, 884 00:44:47,467 --> 00:44:50,122 Like, especially my grandmother. 885 00:44:50,165 --> 00:44:52,864 I have, like, the classic Jewish grandmother, 886 00:44:52,907 --> 00:44:56,171 and she sounds like, "Maxwell, this is your grandmother." 887 00:44:56,215 --> 00:44:59,958 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -"You haven't called me all day today." 888 00:45:00,001 --> 00:45:01,524 You know, that kind of thing. 889 00:45:01,568 --> 00:45:04,571 And she... When she found out that I was gay, 890 00:45:04,614 --> 00:45:07,530 she used to call me every morning, and... This is true. 891 00:45:07,574 --> 00:45:10,490 She used to call me every morning and say, like, 892 00:45:10,533 --> 00:45:13,058 "Did you know that sucking dick will give you throat cancer?" 893 00:45:13,101 --> 00:45:17,105 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -And she would read me articles like medical articles about it. 894 00:45:17,149 --> 00:45:21,414 And I was like, "Okay, weird." And now that I put on the weight, 895 00:45:21,457 --> 00:45:24,373 she talks to me about sucking dick and about dieting. 896 00:45:24,417 --> 00:45:27,899 So, I'm like, I've never had a relative be so concerned with what I swallowed. 897 00:45:27,942 --> 00:45:28,987 Do you know what I'm saying? 898 00:45:29,030 --> 00:45:30,728 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -It's just... 899 00:45:30,771 --> 00:45:33,556 Yeah. The other day, she crossed the line. 900 00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:36,168 She was like, "Now that you've put on weight, you know, 901 00:45:36,211 --> 00:45:38,257 "what do you think about cleanses?" 902 00:45:38,300 --> 00:45:42,348 -I was like, "Well, as a Jew, cleanses make me nervous." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 903 00:45:42,391 --> 00:45:45,960 "But thank you for the suggestion." You know what I'm saying? 904 00:45:46,004 --> 00:45:47,788 You're welcome, everybody. 905 00:45:47,832 --> 00:45:51,923 -Again, Gentiles, you can laugh at that one. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 906 00:45:51,966 --> 00:45:53,968 Uh... ♪ I'm a survivor 907 00:45:54,012 --> 00:45:57,015 -Uh, so... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 908 00:45:57,058 --> 00:46:00,932 Yeah. [CHUCKLES] Everybody's talking to me about my weight, 909 00:46:00,975 --> 00:46:02,455 what I consume, all of that. 910 00:46:02,498 --> 00:46:05,240 Even my psychiatrist is edging into that territory. 911 00:46:05,284 --> 00:46:07,852 Like, the other day during our last session, 912 00:46:07,895 --> 00:46:09,549 he was like "Blah, blah, blah, 913 00:46:09,592 --> 00:46:12,291 "You can't have alcohol with his medication, et cetera." 914 00:46:12,334 --> 00:46:15,337 And I'm like, "What are you, my sommelier now?" [CHUCKLES] 915 00:46:15,381 --> 00:46:19,602 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Like, I'll decide what pairs well with my Celexa, 916 00:46:19,646 --> 00:46:21,866 -thank you very much. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 917 00:46:27,262 --> 00:46:29,047 You guys are rich because that's 918 00:46:29,090 --> 00:46:31,440 -the most applause that joke has ever gotten. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 919 00:46:31,484 --> 00:46:34,704 Y'all have coverage, and I love that. [LAUGHS] I love that. 920 00:46:34,748 --> 00:46:37,229 -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] -Oh, God. Yeah. 921 00:46:37,272 --> 00:46:38,839 So, if you're like me, 922 00:46:38,883 --> 00:46:40,928 you've been through all of this shit, 923 00:46:40,972 --> 00:46:43,322 and you know the stress of it, 924 00:46:43,365 --> 00:46:48,196 like, you're trying dieting, and fasting, and exercise, and nothing works. 925 00:46:48,240 --> 00:46:51,199 And, like, for me, I ultimately just resorted to prayer, you know? 926 00:46:51,243 --> 00:46:54,899 I'm just like, I made a wish that my weight would drop. 927 00:46:54,942 --> 00:46:57,684 And I should have been more specific, because it did. 928 00:46:57,727 --> 00:47:00,818 -It dropped from my waist to my ankles, and... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 929 00:47:00,861 --> 00:47:04,734 ...now I'm built like a very strong feminist senator. You know what I mean? Like... 930 00:47:04,778 --> 00:47:08,216 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Oh, God. 931 00:47:08,260 --> 00:47:11,872 So fucking awful. But there's good news at the end of all of this. 932 00:47:11,916 --> 00:47:16,790 I want to tell you that I have a solution to your Quarantine 15 woes, 933 00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:19,097 a solution that works for everybody. 934 00:47:19,140 --> 00:47:22,404 It's a little diet that I invented myself. You're welcome. 935 00:47:22,448 --> 00:47:24,667 [AUDIENCE WHOOPS] 936 00:47:24,711 --> 00:47:27,409 It's worked for everybody that I've suggested it to. 937 00:47:27,453 --> 00:47:29,194 It has certainly worked for me. 938 00:47:29,237 --> 00:47:34,199 -It's a diet called Who Fucking Cares, okay? -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 939 00:47:35,853 --> 00:47:37,637 Jesus! 940 00:47:38,768 --> 00:47:41,597 A global pandemic, global recession, 941 00:47:41,641 --> 00:47:45,601 global injustice, Trump, wildfires, gender reveal parties, 942 00:47:45,645 --> 00:47:48,343 good vaccines, and bad vaccines, and wars, 943 00:47:48,387 --> 00:47:49,910 and now, a plague of cicadas. 944 00:47:49,954 --> 00:47:52,652 You deserve to have a snack, okay? 945 00:47:52,695 --> 00:47:56,917 -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -And you deserve to enjoy it, guilt-free, all right? 946 00:47:56,961 --> 00:48:01,574 Who cares if, when you take off your corset, you go from C-3PO to R2-D2, 947 00:48:01,617 --> 00:48:03,576 -You know? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 948 00:48:03,619 --> 00:48:07,580 -I told a joke for straight people. -[AUDIENCE CHEERS] 949 00:48:07,623 --> 00:48:09,408 She's got a diverse audience. 950 00:48:11,410 --> 00:48:14,021 Who cares if you eat your weight in food every day 951 00:48:14,065 --> 00:48:17,372 so that, every time you take a shit, it's like going through a breakup. You know? 952 00:48:17,416 --> 00:48:20,593 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Who cares if your friends are skinnier than you are? 953 00:48:20,636 --> 00:48:22,551 Who cares if your grandma is disappointed? 954 00:48:22,595 --> 00:48:25,467 Who cares if your pencil skirt won't fit? 955 00:48:25,511 --> 00:48:28,601 I intend to live like a vegetable and eat like an animal 956 00:48:28,644 --> 00:48:32,779 -until this shit is over and you should too, okay? -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 957 00:48:43,964 --> 00:48:46,271 Oh, and by the way, as for my grandmother, 958 00:48:46,314 --> 00:48:48,403 who's got throat cancer now, bitch? 959 00:48:48,447 --> 00:48:53,191 -[AUDIENCE GASPS] -I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. 960 00:48:53,234 --> 00:48:56,977 I'm kidding. It's pancreatic. She'll be dead like that, you know? 961 00:48:57,021 --> 00:49:00,676 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Probably before this airs. [GROANS] 962 00:49:01,851 --> 00:49:04,811 God, what the hell am I talking about? 963 00:49:04,854 --> 00:49:06,421 I think what I'm trying to get at 964 00:49:06,465 --> 00:49:09,642 is just accepting yourself, accepting your trash behavior. 965 00:49:09,685 --> 00:49:11,209 We all have trash behavior. 966 00:49:11,252 --> 00:49:13,341 Accept your body, God damn it! 967 00:49:13,385 --> 00:49:15,909 Because I'm not a self-help guru, 968 00:49:15,953 --> 00:49:19,565 but I am someone with a strong feeling from experience, 969 00:49:19,608 --> 00:49:23,308 that accepting yourself as you are, as you look, as you act, 970 00:49:23,351 --> 00:49:28,878 accepting your history, that is the only way to find real happiness. Okay? 971 00:49:28,922 --> 00:49:34,101 And I've tried other ways, and they just don't work. 972 00:49:34,145 --> 00:49:38,323 For example, one of the things that I tried when I was younger 973 00:49:38,366 --> 00:49:40,629 was to find happiness through men. 974 00:49:40,673 --> 00:49:42,980 I had three relationships before this one, 975 00:49:43,023 --> 00:49:45,373 and they were all terrible. Um... 976 00:49:45,417 --> 00:49:47,506 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -I should have learned my lesson, 977 00:49:47,549 --> 00:49:49,769 but there was one last relationship. 978 00:49:49,812 --> 00:49:52,685 I was with this guy solely for the purpose of having a guy, 979 00:49:52,728 --> 00:49:56,689 and I thought it was going to bring me happiness, but he had no time for me. 980 00:49:56,732 --> 00:49:58,169 And I couldn't figure out why. 981 00:49:58,212 --> 00:50:01,346 Because his job did not seem that fucking demanding. 982 00:50:01,389 --> 00:50:04,479 Well, it all became clear one day when I was 983 00:50:04,523 --> 00:50:09,484 walking down the street in my neighborhood, and I saw him come out of a church 984 00:50:09,528 --> 00:50:13,053 -with his wife and kids. -[AUDIENCE GASPS] 985 00:50:13,097 --> 00:50:15,664 When he saw me see him, 986 00:50:15,708 --> 00:50:18,928 he went whiter than the cast of The Crownon Netflix. You know what I mean? 987 00:50:18,972 --> 00:50:21,670 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Just... [GASPS] 988 00:50:21,714 --> 00:50:24,586 [IN MOCK ITALIAN ACCENT] And I was single again. You know what I mean? 989 00:50:24,630 --> 00:50:28,503 I don't know why that needed an Italian accent, but it did. You know? Just like... 990 00:50:28,547 --> 00:50:30,375 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 991 00:50:32,333 --> 00:50:34,118 I'm gonna level with you. 992 00:50:34,161 --> 00:50:37,077 I have tried to be very honest in this show, 993 00:50:37,121 --> 00:50:41,995 about my body, about my history, about my behavior, 994 00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:45,477 and that's because I think it's only funny if it's true, you know? 995 00:50:45,520 --> 00:50:48,306 So, I wanted to build this trust with you, 996 00:50:48,349 --> 00:50:51,483 where you knew everything I was saying is an actual fact. 997 00:50:51,526 --> 00:50:55,139 Like, I fact checked everything with my family and my friends 998 00:50:55,182 --> 00:50:57,358 so that we could trust each other here. 999 00:50:57,402 --> 00:51:01,362 And, because of that, I don't want to break that trust now. 1000 00:51:01,406 --> 00:51:03,060 So, I'm going to tell you something. 1001 00:51:03,103 --> 00:51:06,498 I wrote this entire show from the loving arms 1002 00:51:06,541 --> 00:51:09,631 of a beautiful four-year relationship. 1003 00:51:09,675 --> 00:51:13,418 And then, when I was in the last five minutes of writing, 1004 00:51:13,461 --> 00:51:17,639 my fiance left me out of nowhere, 1005 00:51:17,683 --> 00:51:20,294 and, um, it was crazy. 1006 00:51:20,338 --> 00:51:23,515 He said it was because of my temper or something. 1007 00:51:23,558 --> 00:51:25,256 But I didn't quite hear him because 1008 00:51:25,299 --> 00:51:28,302 -he mumbles and I was [SCREAMS] screaming. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1009 00:51:28,346 --> 00:51:30,696 Um, but, yeah... He was clearly in the wrong, by the way. 1010 00:51:30,739 --> 00:51:33,133 Uh... [CHUCKLES] So, yeah, he left me, 1011 00:51:33,177 --> 00:51:34,787 and he left me in a really weird position. 1012 00:51:34,830 --> 00:51:38,095 I had written this show that has this ring as a prop, 1013 00:51:38,138 --> 00:51:41,402 and it has all these jokes about being partnered and everything, 1014 00:51:41,446 --> 00:51:44,623 and I was like, "Fuck me. What am I going to do? "I'm gonna have to pretend." 1015 00:51:44,666 --> 00:51:48,279 So, I made this bizarre decision to keep the ring on 1016 00:51:48,322 --> 00:51:51,151 until I did the motherfucking show, and I've been, like, 1017 00:51:51,195 --> 00:51:53,284 hauling this thing around like, [MIMICKING GOLLUM] "My precious." 1018 00:51:53,327 --> 00:51:55,547 -Like... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1019 00:51:55,590 --> 00:51:58,289 ...this entire time, and it's been really weird. 1020 00:51:58,332 --> 00:52:01,683 So, what I want to do now is, say this, 1021 00:52:01,727 --> 00:52:04,512 You know, I've done the show pretty much at this point. 1022 00:52:04,556 --> 00:52:07,036 I can take this motherfucker off. So, if you don't mind, 1023 00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:09,387 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1024 00:52:31,496 --> 00:52:34,412 -"Let my people go," you know? -[AUDIENCE GUFFAWS] 1025 00:52:34,455 --> 00:52:38,416 God, I don't even know what to do with this thing, and it feels so weird. 1026 00:52:38,459 --> 00:52:41,941 -It was, like, $25. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1027 00:52:41,984 --> 00:52:44,378 I might, like, give it away after the show. 1028 00:52:44,422 --> 00:52:45,988 It looks so strange. Like I have... 1029 00:52:46,032 --> 00:52:49,209 I can see this mole again. This is so bizarre. Um... 1030 00:52:49,253 --> 00:52:51,864 Uh, Caitlyn, I didn't cry, okay? 1031 00:52:51,907 --> 00:52:56,738 -So, here we go. And I want to th... -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1032 00:53:23,156 --> 00:53:26,594 Thank you so much. You guys are my real friends. I appreciate that. 1033 00:53:26,638 --> 00:53:29,380 I recognize some of your faces. It makes me happy. 1034 00:53:29,423 --> 00:53:32,513 But the reason I wanted to take that ring off 1035 00:53:32,557 --> 00:53:35,081 was because I wanted us to be on the same page 1036 00:53:35,124 --> 00:53:37,866 when I told my very last story of the evening. 1037 00:53:37,910 --> 00:53:39,694 I wanted us to be up to speed. 1038 00:53:39,738 --> 00:53:44,482 And, so, I want to tell you a final story about love, 1039 00:53:44,525 --> 00:53:47,093 the story of how I met the love of my life. 1040 00:53:47,136 --> 00:53:51,097 So, ten years ago, I was going home using 1041 00:53:51,140 --> 00:53:53,317 my favorite form of transportation, 1042 00:53:53,360 --> 00:53:56,885 -drunken stumbling. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1043 00:53:58,147 --> 00:54:01,499 It was a snowy night and I was almost home. 1044 00:54:01,542 --> 00:54:04,763 I had my keys in the front door of my building 1045 00:54:04,806 --> 00:54:08,157 when I saw this very tall, handsome guy 1046 00:54:08,201 --> 00:54:10,725 carrying a bookshelf through the blizzard, 1047 00:54:10,769 --> 00:54:13,728 and I was like, "Maybe if I help him, he'll help me." 1048 00:54:13,772 --> 00:54:16,296 -You know what I'm saying? So... -[AUDIENCE WHOOPS] 1049 00:54:16,340 --> 00:54:19,473 Like my mom, a good Samaritan, you know what I'm saying? 1050 00:54:19,517 --> 00:54:21,562 So, uh, I played with my tits... 1051 00:54:21,606 --> 00:54:23,434 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -So, I... 1052 00:54:23,477 --> 00:54:26,480 I went and I offered my help, okay? 1053 00:54:26,524 --> 00:54:29,135 And we ended up carrying this bookshelf 1054 00:54:29,178 --> 00:54:32,660 six or seven blocks through the snow, 1055 00:54:32,704 --> 00:54:34,749 and then up six flights of stairs on walk up, 1056 00:54:34,793 --> 00:54:36,925 and we got into that dark apartment, 1057 00:54:36,969 --> 00:54:39,014 and I was ready for the moment. You know what I'm saying? 1058 00:54:39,058 --> 00:54:41,147 And then, he turned on the light, 1059 00:54:41,190 --> 00:54:44,716 and, all of a sudden, I saw, like, wigs, and glitter, and dresses everywhere, 1060 00:54:44,759 --> 00:54:47,327 -and I was like... [SCREAMS] -[AUDIENCE SCREAMS ALONG] 1061 00:54:47,371 --> 00:54:49,721 I suspected then what I know now, 1062 00:54:49,764 --> 00:54:53,159 -which is that drag queens are fucking scary, okay? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1063 00:54:53,202 --> 00:54:56,945 So, I was like, "I'm sorry. I'm not into drag queens. 1064 00:54:56,989 --> 00:55:01,428 "I don't like drag. I'm getting out of here." And I ran... 1065 00:55:01,472 --> 00:55:04,649 I was too late, though. My fate had been sealed. 1066 00:55:04,692 --> 00:55:09,697 He saw where I live. So, he would come every weekend and knock on my building, 1067 00:55:09,741 --> 00:55:12,352 come inside, and say hello and say, 1068 00:55:12,396 --> 00:55:16,182 "Listen, if you're afraid of drag, the only way to get rid of that is to try it yourself." 1069 00:55:16,225 --> 00:55:18,445 Don't knock it till you've tried it. You know what I'm saying? 1070 00:55:18,489 --> 00:55:22,319 So, I said "Maybe," 1071 00:55:22,362 --> 00:55:26,366 -which is gay for no. [CHUCKLES] Right? You're like... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1072 00:55:26,410 --> 00:55:29,717 -"Can you come to my birthday?" "Maybe." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1073 00:55:32,459 --> 00:55:35,854 That is the ugliest eff-ing skirt I have ever seen. You know what I mean? 1074 00:55:35,897 --> 00:55:40,641 We have our own tongue, everybody. 1075 00:55:40,685 --> 00:55:43,383 But yeah, finally, I had to make good on my "Maybe" 1076 00:55:43,427 --> 00:55:46,908 because he asked me so many fucking times. 1077 00:55:46,952 --> 00:55:49,911 And what happened was, I went to his place, 1078 00:55:49,955 --> 00:55:53,785 he put me in face, facing away from the mirror, put me in a wig, 1079 00:55:53,828 --> 00:55:57,919 turned me around, to see my reflection, 1080 00:55:57,963 --> 00:56:01,575 and I saw something I had never seen before. 1081 00:56:01,619 --> 00:56:05,274 -I saw this. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1082 00:56:16,590 --> 00:56:21,943 And, at that moment, I fell in love with somebody that would stay with me. 1083 00:56:21,987 --> 00:56:25,251 despite changes in weight, despite my temper, 1084 00:56:25,294 --> 00:56:28,689 despite my trash behavior, despite my history, 1085 00:56:28,733 --> 00:56:32,389 At that moment, I fell in love with myself, okay? 1086 00:56:32,432 --> 00:56:35,261 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1087 00:56:37,742 --> 00:56:40,571 And that is the only love that has brought me 1088 00:56:40,614 --> 00:56:43,225 real happiness over the years. 1089 00:56:43,269 --> 00:56:45,880 Like, yeah, sure, I'm a little rounder now. 1090 00:56:45,924 --> 00:56:49,449 I may have a short fuse. I may be a bit of a ho. 1091 00:56:49,493 --> 00:56:55,281 But I love myself because of these things, not in spite of them, okay? 1092 00:56:55,324 --> 00:56:57,979 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1093 00:57:00,765 --> 00:57:02,897 So what? 1094 00:57:02,941 --> 00:57:06,814 When it comes to marriage, I fucked up my one shot like Johnson & Johnson, you know? 1095 00:57:06,858 --> 00:57:09,469 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1096 00:57:09,513 --> 00:57:12,733 At the end of the day, I still have myself. 1097 00:57:12,777 --> 00:57:16,041 And you guys still have you, okay? 1098 00:57:16,084 --> 00:57:18,086 So, this is what I want out of this evening. 1099 00:57:18,130 --> 00:57:20,349 This is my only request. 1100 00:57:20,393 --> 00:57:23,396 Number one, I want you to leave here 1101 00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:27,139 loving yourself a little bit more, please, okay? 1102 00:57:27,182 --> 00:57:30,403 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1103 00:57:32,710 --> 00:57:37,062 I want somebody to bring me a bottle of tequila because that's my love language. 1104 00:57:37,105 --> 00:57:40,892 -Thank you everybody! -[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]