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-[audience whistling] -[tense bass beat playing]
[laughter]
[all] There's Mo to life!
[group cheers]
[group laughing]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage,
Mo Gilligan!
-[audience cheering and applauding] -[hip hop playing]
♪ When I say "Mo," you say "Gilligan" ♪
-♪ Mo ♪ -[audience] ♪ Gilligan ♪
♪ When I say "Mo," you say "Gilligan" ♪
-♪ Mo ♪ -[audience] ♪ Gilligan ♪
Hey, hey!
-Take it down, please. Have a seat! -[audience cheering]
[Mo laughs]
Yes! Oh, that was fantastic. I felt like a rapper.
-Oh shit. Fantastic. -[audience laughter]
So nice to be here doing stand-up.
I always say stand-up is my first love.
I do TV and stuff like that now. I love doing TV. I couldn't imagine…
I feel the majority of people have followed my journey,
especially from the videos.
"Julie! Get a couple of cans."
-[audience cheering] -[Mo laughing]
Look at some of you. "That's what I came for. Keep doing that."
-"Keep doing it." -[audience laughter]
Know what's crazy about those videos? I've done those three, four years ago,
but I'm always ready on cue.
Yeah? A couple weeks ago, I had a bad stomachache.
My stomach was cramping up.
You know when you've been on the toilet, and it's flying out?
Everything is annoying you when you're on the toilet,
like, "Get this fucking sock off!"
[audience laughter]
Cramping up, I had to go to the hospital, weren't feeling good.
One guy was like, "Yo! Couple of cans!"
In this moment of despair, I was like… [groans]
-"Julie, wheel up the blood cart." -[audience laughter]
-I was just ready, boy. -[audience laughter]
Sometimes people recite things back to me that I've completely forgotten about.
I was in Pets at Home, I was getting something for my dog.
This kid's looking at me, and I'm looking at the kid, like,
-"What the fuck are you looking at, bruv?" -[audience laughter]
Out of nowhere, the kid goes:
♪ A Peppa Pig, a Black Peppa Pig ♪
[audience laughter]
I'm like, "Who is this racist little four-year-old?"
-[audience laughter] -"I will boot you in the face, Oliver."
Then I'm like, "Oh shit. Okay, Netflix. My bad. Get up, Oliver. Get up."
-"Stop crying. Stop crying." -[audience laughter]
Even TV, I do things like that now, I do TV show business.
That's what they call it, show business.
-[audience cheers] -There's no business like show business.
And I'll be honest, guys, I'm still new to this.
Sometimes I lose myself. I tell you, sometimes I lose myself.
I was doing Breakfast TV the other day.
Could you imagine? Me, Breakfast TV.
They're like, "Mo, we're gonna cut to the break." Yeah?
They said, "Mo, we're gonna cut to the break."
Someone in my ear, "Cut to break."
I was like, "We'll see you after the break." I was just about…
-[audience laughter] -…to do gun fingers, yeah,
in Breakfast…
This is the most gunnest of gun fingers, yeah?
I've even got the extended clip.
-[audience laughter] -Yeah?
I thought, "Not a chance. I'll be finished."
[audience laughter]
You can already imagine the headlines with me looking at the TV like that, yeah?
The headline, "Mo Gilligan, friends with Raheem Sterling and Stormzy…"
[audience laughter]
"…shoots the British public."
[audience laughter]
With a picture of Saka for no reason. He didn't even do anything.
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughing]
Saka done absolutely nothing.
Witness statements,
"I was eating me fucking cereal, and he fucking shot me."
"He shot me." With a neck brace on. "He fucking shot me."
[audience laughter]
But I do like doing TV, man, you know?
Get picked up by a chauffeur driver. "Hello, sir." Opens the door for me.
It's mad. And I'm there in a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms.
[audience laughter]
Then you go there, right?
You have your name on the door. That is your door with your name on it.
You walk in, sometimes you get gifts.
Look at mine, went, "Oy, fucking hell!"
[audience laughter]
"Like Christmas and that." Yeah, every time.
[audience laughter]
It's true, my people. You get gifts.
You walk in, there'll be some flowers.
Secretly, I'm like, "No one died. Fuck these flowers."
-[audience laughter] -Yeah?
[Mo laughs]
But you might get some good gifts. The premium shows, you get premium gifts.
Might even get a little candle. Oh yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Not just any candle. A Jo Malone joint, come on.
-Yeah. Come on, man. -[audience cheers]
Come on, pomegranate noir, you know who you are. Come on.
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughs]
But before you go on any show on TV, they have a research chat.
They phone you up in the week and pick your brains
about what'll happen in the show, what you been up to.
Now, obviously in TV, things can change last minute, my guy.
So a producer will come running into my dressing room;
Doesn't knock, comes running in.
-[imitates door banging open] -[panting]
"Hey, what's going on, Mo? Big fan of your stuff. Love it."
"'Judith, get the beers,' absolutely love all that stuff."
"So, basically, we've just got a last-minute change to the show."
"You're gonna absolutely love this."
"What we've done, we've hired a costume, all right?"
"It costs about ten grand, but check this out."
"It's not just any costume, yeah? It's a chicken outfit, right?"
"So we thought we was gonna put you in the chicken outfit, right?"
"Then we're thinking, you're from the Black community,
do a bit of grime."
"And we've got this thing, right,
called the Cluck-Cluck, so we thought we'd remix it."
"'I'm not a cluck-cluck, that's not me,' all of that stuff."
"You'll be great. You gonna knock it out of the park."
"I know you love Nando's, see you in a bit." Boom.
He's gone. He's gone, yeah?
At this point in time, my people, I am absolutely losing it.
I'm like, "What? The Cluck-Cluck? The Cluck-Cluck?"
"Fuck that, I ain't doing no Cluck-Cluck." Yeah?
"Fuck that Cluck-Cluck, and fuck these flowers." Yeah?
"Fuck the candle as well."
I am fuming.
"The Cluck-Cluck in a chicken suit? Me?"
Now, when things like this happen,
I have two people that I like to call fixers in my life.
One person is my mum, yeah, but she doesn't understand show business.
I'll say, "Mum, can you believe this?"
"They want me to wear a chicken outfit and do the Cluck-Cluck."
My mum's like, "Oh! Are you getting paid?"
I'm like, "What? That's not what it's about."
"They want to put me in a chicken outfit and do the Cluck-Cluck."
"Good, 'cause if you get paid, I can get a new kitchen."
-What the fuck, I'm sorry, who? -[audience laughter]
The only other person that really gets show business is my manager, Polly.
Now, I've been with Polly from the very beginning,
before any success happened.
Let me give you background on Polly.
Polly, yeah, is a lady
who moved to Peckham by herself back in the day.
-[audience cheering] -Yeah. Yeah.
I don't think you understand.
She moved to Peckham by choice
-back in the day. -[audience laughter]
Just had men trying it any time they could.
"Yo, what's going on, all right?" Polly wouldn't take no shit.
"Shut up, you pussyhole."
She wouldn't take any shit. That's why I know I've got her on my side.
What happens when these situations happen and I need to call Polly, this'll happen:
"Hey, you all right, Polly? Um…"
"Yeah, no, I'm good, I'm good."
"Um, yes, they did give me a gift. Yeah, they gave me a candle."
"Yeah, it's kind of broke, a little bit, on the side. Um…"
"But listen, I don't want to chew off your ear."
"Basically they want to do this new part on the show that they didn't mention."
"Basically, they want to put me in a chicken outfit,
and, um, yeah, like, dance and stuff like that."
"They also mentioned a bit of grime,
and the guy said, like, I like Nando's and all this kind of stuff."
"Uh-huh. Uh-huh."
"That's what I was thinking, that's right. It is racist. It is absolutely racist."
"Yeah. Okay."
"All right, leave it with you. Okay, I'll leave it with you."
Then ten minutes goes past.
We're gonna start the show in five minutes.
Then I get a knock on the door.
The most polite knock you've ever heard from this producer who burst in, yeah?
-[audience laughter] -[imitates knocking]
[softly] "Mo?"
[audience laughter]
[softly] "Mo?"
[audience laughter]
"May I come in?"
"May? 'Course you can."
"Come in, Oliver Twist. What would you like?"
[audience laughter]
"How can I help you?"
[panting]
"So, Mo, basically, we're not even doing the Cluck-Cluck anymore."
"We're just not even doing it. We just didn't fancy doing it today."
Now I have to act fake-shocked like I didn't just get this canceled, yeah?
[gasps] "Oh really?"
"Oh my gosh."
"Oh, no way."
-"Oh man. Oh." -[audience laughter]
"You're canceling the whole of the Cluck-Cluck?"
"Oh man." [clicks tongue]
"Ah, I was really looking forward to doing the chicken feet
-and, you know, skanking, and… Ah." -[audience laughter]
[sighs] "Damn, man. Ah."
"But what you gonna do? The suit cost ten grand."
"Yeah, that's right, they want me to do the Cluck-Cluck, yeah."
"They want me to wear the chicken outfit. Can you believe that?"
[gasps] "Oh my gosh, that's crazy."
"Mm. Mm."
"Well, anyway, I'll see you on set."
-"Suck your mum. Take care. Peace." -[audience laughter]
About… About…
[Mo laughs]
The Cluck-Cluck.
Not a chance. I want a BAFTA. I'm not doing Cluck-Clucks anytime soon.
-[audience cheering] -Yeah, come on, man.
[audience cheering and whistling]
Let me be real with you. You've followed my journey from the start.
Life hasn't always been show business. There's been times where I've been broke.
Like, broke-broke.
You know when you've been so broke, you pray? Ever done that?
You're not even religious.
You start praying. You don't even know how to pray.
"Uh, yeah, um…"
-"Yeah." -[audience laughter]
"I don't know who's up there, Buddha, one of you, listen."
-[audience laughter] -"I beg you, please."
"If there's any way that thou, Father,
can walk through the shadow of death
and find me some kind of sign for money…"
Even when you're negotiating with the Lord,
yeah, it doesn't make sense.
"If you can find me a sign of money,
I promise I will never swear again in my life."
What?
-Real broke, man. -[audience laughter]
I had to get my first job working in retail, yeah?
I say to everybody, you must work in retail.
-It's a rite of passage in your life. -[audience cheering]
Everybody should try and work at retail.
My first job, believe it or not, was actually in Jo Malone, yeah?
I worked in Westfield the day it opened.
The day it opened in Shepherd's Bush, yeah?
That's what they call it now in West London.
"Oh, let's go to the Shepherd's Bush. Let's."
People really from West London, they don't call it that.
People from the hood is like, "What? No, that's called Bush."
[audience laughter]
Before Westfield, there were no shepherds anywhere near that bush,
-is what I'm trying to say. -[audience laughter]
And where Jo Malone was situated was a place called the Village.
So you got all the bougie, high-end shops, Louis Vuitton, Gucci.
And word was going around that the day Westfield opens,
they'll be giving out some free gifts.
That's right. They thought they could walk up in the Village to Louis Vuitton,
and be like, "Yeah, Louis and Vuitton, let me get five free belts."
-"Let me get five for free." -[audience laughter]
Just my first day on the shop floor.
I've done my training, I've read the booklets.
I'm trying to learn about the brand.
My mom said, "Make sure… It's your first day, look presentable."
So I had a black shirt, black trousers, and black shoes.
I thought, "Man, I'm ready to go on the shop floor."
And just as I step, my manager says, "No, take this."
She gave me an apron.
An apron. I said, "Is this fucking B&Q?"
"Why am I wearing a fucking apron?"
[audience laughter]
And me, being young and naive, I was like, "No."
I've gotta make the apron look a bit loose, a bit swaggy.
Manager said, "No, it's about standards." She went…
Tightened up the apron, yeah?
I was on the shop floor with an hourglass figure, people.
-Yeah? Yeah? -[audience laughter]
[Mo laughing]
Just had the man there walking past, "Rah, boy, your hips don't lie, you know?"
-Fucking hell. -[audience laughter]
"Rah, boy, not gonna lie, you got mad back, my guy."
-"Your back…" -[audience laughter]
"Your back is mad, cuz."
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughs]
So I'm on the shop floor.
You can imagine, I'm on the shop floor,
and the manager said to me, "Your job is to greet the customers."
And I had to code-switch. We all do code-switching.
Doesn't matter what job you work, you must code-switch.
My man, what's your name, my friend?
-[man] Anton. -Anton. What's your job, Anton?
-[Anton] Carpenter. -[Mo] Carpenter! Wow.
Great job, man. You must be code-switching all the time.
You're chilling with the guys,
"Yeah, that's what I said, cuz. Man might go out Saturday, you know?"
"Hello?"
-[audience laughter] -"Hi." [laughs] "Yes."
"Yes, yes. Okay."
"Can I make a rocking horse? Okay."
-[audience laughter] -"Yes. Yes."
"Okay. You need it for Friday, this Friday?"
"Yeah, okay. All right, I'll see you Friday."
"Okay, bye-bye. Yeah."
"Man ain't making no fucking rocking horse, cuz."
"Fucking dickhead."
-[audience cheering and applauding] -[Mo laughing]
So I had to code-switch.
My manager said, "Greet the customers as they go in." That's what I had to do.
You could imagine the ambiance in the shop.
It smelled nice, yeah?
Let me give you a little backstory on Jo Malone, yeah?
They sell body creams, fragrances, shower gels.
They have a shower gel this big, people. It is this big, yeah?
And it costs 15 pounds. Yeah?
I was using a drip a day.
-[audience laughter] -Yeah?
Don't get me wrong, I stole it, but I was using a drip a day. Yeah?
[serene music playing]
That's all I had to do, greet the customers as they came in,
in my code-switch voice.
-"Hello, you okay? Hello there, ma'am." -[audience laughter]
"Hello, good afternoon, madam. Hello. You okay? Yeah?"
British people do this when we come in from the cold. "You all right?"
-[shivers] "Freezing out there, isn't it?" -[audience laughter]
"Yes, it is quite cold, isn't it?"
"Come in here. Come in here, you silly goose."
"Come in here."
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughing]
Sometimes people blank you upon arrival in the shop.
"Hello, you okay, there, madam? You okay?"
"No? Okay. Right."
[audience laughter]
"I'll just stand over here and go fuck myself, it's okay."
"It's okay." -[audience laughter]
Then, one of the mandem walked in.
I thought, "Gosh, look at this." "This is my chance to gain a sell,
convert a customer who's probably not accustomed to the brand."
He walked into the shop.
-"Rah, fucking hell, this is nice." -[audience laughter]
"Okay."
-"This is like a fucking spa in here." -[audience laughter]
"Okay, okay."
"Unh, unh, unh."
"Tester? Let me test this one, still."
[imitates spraying]
[audience laughter]
[imitates spraying]
[rapid spraying]
-[blows] -[audience laughter]
"I like that one, still. I like that one. Hmm."
So I approached him.
"Hello there, sir, you okay? You all right there?"
"Yo, my brother, why you talking like Geoffrey from Fresh Prince, cuz?"
[audience laughter]
"So that particular fragrance you got there, that's our signature."
"That's actually lime basil and mandarin. Yeah?"
"So what you've got, you've got the zesty lime."
"Then you've got the crushed basil."
"And then you just get that whiff of the mandarin."
"Can you smell that?"
When you work in a shop, people will lie unprovoked. Yeah?
[sniffing]
"Yeah, that's a lot of fucking mandarin there. Fucking hell."
-[sniffs] -[audience laughter]
"I like this one, you know, my brother. Mmm."
[sniffs] "Mmm."
"Let's talk prices. How much for this, my brother?"
"I like this one, you know. I'm feeling this one. How much?"
"Okay, sir, so, that one there is a 50-milliliter, yeah?"
"So you're looking at about 59 pounds. Yeah."
"Fifty-nine pounds?"
"Okay, all right. Unh."
[audience laughter]
"How much for the big one though, my brother? How much?"
"Okay, so the big one, that's actually a 100-milliliter,
so you're getting double the fragrance of your eau de toilette."
"What you talking about, the toilet? What you talking about, brother?"
[audience laughter]
"So this one here, sir, yeah, is 140 pounds."
"What? One-forty? Okay."
"All right. That's kind of mad, you know?"
[audience laughter]
"Uh, okay, okay, okay."
"Mm, mm, mm."
"So 59 pound for this, 140 for that, that's what you're telling me?"
"Yes."
"I didn't stutter at any moment, so yes."
"Okay."
"Unh, unh, unh."
"Mm."
"All right, but hear what I'm saying though, yeah?"
-[audience laughter] -[dark music playing]
"Listen, my brother, I don't know you, you don't know fucking me, yeah?"
[audience laughter]
"So fuck all these ting, yeah? Hear what I'm telling you right now."
"Man's gonna fucking steal this, cousin."
[audience laughter]
"So what the fuck are you telling me, cuz?"
[audience laughter]
"Bruv, please don't steal it. Literally, I got the job, like, today."
"This is my first day, bruv. I'm begging you."
"Loud up, bruv, why would you come and steal it?"
"'Cause at the end of the day, when you look like me and I look like you,
they'll think we planned it and you're one of my bredrens, cuz."
"What, they wanna fucking discriminate our man as well, yeah?"
"No, fuck that. I'm definitely taking it, yeah?"
"I don't know you, cuz. Listen, man's gonna take that."
"Hear what I'm saying, I'll bang anyone in their face if they stop me."
"So what you're telling me, you're gonna walk out the shop,
and you're gonna bang anyone in your path?"
"Fam, man'll bang anyone. Man don't care about this Bugzy Malone brand."
"So you're gonna steal it?"
"Well, listen, if you're gonna steal it and run out the shop and take one,
hear what I'm telling you."
-[music stops] -"Take one for me as well."
[audience laughter]
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Mo laughing]
Came into work smelling fabulous the next day, bruv.
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughs]
But we know in any workplace, what do we have?
We have our friends, and we have our colleagues.
It's very different how we interact.
'Cause when you see your friends, you have personal banter between you.
I worked with this guy, Dwayne. He was like me.
We had our own little thing. "What's going on?"
"Man like Dwayne, what do you say, cuz?"
"Me, love, me cuz."
"Man like Mo Gilligan, what are you telling me, cuz?"
Sometimes the colleagues would try to get involved.
"Hey, what's going on? Don't forget me, Peter."
"Man like… Man like this guy."
-"Shut up, Peter, don't do that again." -[audience laughter]
"We'll rush you in the staff room. Don't ever do that."
[audience laughter]
You got your friends, then you got your colleagues,
then just in the middle, at the top, do you know who you have?
You have retail managers.
I'm gonna use this word. Don't use this word a lot, but know what?
All retail managers are cunts. That's right.
Yeah, I said it, man. I don't care, man.
-I said it. -[scattered applause]
-Are there any retail managers in tonight? -[scattered cheering]
You fucking cunt. Shut up.
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughs]
No, I'm joking, I'm joking.
No, I'm not joking. Fuck that guy.
[audience laughter]
You know why I say this?
Because they can't decide if they want to be your friend or enemy.
And sometimes they'll make up things that aren't in the shop floor protocol.
Me and Dwayne are talking about when we get paid.
We're having a chat, no one in the shop. We're pretending to fold T-shirts.
There's no one in the shop.
"What are you saying for Saturday, 'cause obviously,
man trying to go out raving, and obviously we get paid on Friday."
"Mm, a little raving, know what I'm saying?"
The managers come over, see all this fun happening,
"Ah, ah, ah. Okay, all right, let's break this up. Okay."
"Mo, can you do me a favor?"
"Can you just stand in the window and wave at the customers?"
[audience laughter]
"What?"
[audience laughter]
Two minutes later, they want to be your friend
in a place where I don't want any friends in the workplace.
You know where that place is? The staff room.
-[audience laughter] -I don't want any friends.
It's the week before payday.
It's Tupperware week.
I'm finally using the Chinese recycle containers.
-[audience laughter] -I've not got paid.
I've got my rice and peas in one, I've got my oxtail in another.
I've even got salad in another container. Yeah?
I have my headphones in.
Don't talk to me. I have an hour. I don't get paid for this.
Please don't talk to me. Leave me alone.
But who comes in, trying to be my friend? The manager.
[sniffs]
-"Mm." -[audience laughter]
"Oh, what's that?"
"Oh, that smells amazing."
[audience laughter]
"What is that? What you got there, buddy? What's that?"
[softly] "Oh, go fuck yourself, man."
[audience laughter]
"So, uh, okay, um…"
"So, this… this is rice… rice and peas I've got here."
"Oh!" [chuckles]
"Heard a lot about these guys, the rice and the peas."
"Oh my gosh, I've heard about these guys. Rice and the peas. Fantastic."
"They don't look like peas to me, though."
"Okay. Um…"
"What is that? I've never seen that."
-"What the hell is that?" -[audience laughter]
"What is that? What the fuck is that? What's that?"
-[audience laughter] -"Tell me what it is."
"Um…"
-"Can you stop pointing at my food? Um…" -[audience laughter]
"This is, uh… This is oxtail stew."
"What?"
"Sorry, ox what?"
[audience laughter]
"This is oxtail stew."
"Oxtail? Hang on a minute."
"Oxtail?"
"Well, I've never seen that in Waitrose."
-[audience laughter] -"Oxtail?"
"So hold on. Let me get this right, Ainsley Harriott."
-"You're telling me…" -[audience laughter]
"You're telling me that that's the tail of the ox, is that what you're saying?"
"Is that what you're saying right now?"
"No, it's the fucking penis of the horse. Are you not fucking listening?"
[audience laughter]
But we know the international rule in the staff room.
Do not bring smelly lunches into the staff room.
Doesn't matter who you are, you cannot stink up the staff room.
This is a communal area. We must all eat in here.
But some people don't care.
I used to work with this lovely lady. Her name was Yulka. She was so nice.
But she was one of them people who'd load their problems onto you.
"What's up, Yulka, you all right?"
"No, not so good."
[audience laughter]
"Ah, for fuck's sake. What's wrong with you? What's wrong?"
"My husband, he left."
"Oh man. I'm so sorry to hear that, man. I'm so sorry to hear that."
And I'll be honest, her lunch was absolutely stinking up the staff room.
And I'm trying to be civil with Yulka, but some people have no filter.
They can't read the room.
People like Dwayne would walk in and say how he thinks.
Walk in, "Yo, any of you lot got the scissors?"
[sniffs] "Fucking hell!"
-[audience laughter] -"No, no, no, no!"
"That… That stinks! No, that stinks!"
"So what, you lot have been sitting here chatting shit with this stinky smell?"
"No, that's nasty, man."
I'm trying to look at him, like, "Yo, Dwayne…" [groaning]
"Dwayne, Yulka's not going through a good time."
"Her husband left, innit?"
"Bruv, course he left with this stinking fucking food, cuz."
"I would've left as well."
[audience laughter]
Stinking up the fucking staff room. [laughs]
[Mo laughing]
But we all know what we do it for in the workplace, for the money.
No one's there for the love and the joy. We do it for the money.
Even me, at 18 years old, getting my first paycheck.
Oh my gosh.
I didn't know what to put on my CV. I lied, of course.
We all lie to get your first job.
I didn't have no work experience yet.
"Have you worked anywhere?" "Um…"
"Yeah." "Where did you work?"
-"Woolworths. Yeah. Yeah." -[audience laughter]
"Anywhere else?"
-"Dixons." -[audience laughter]
Anywhere that closed down, I had worked there.
-[audience laughter] -You don't even know how many hours.
"How many hours can you do?" "Five hundred thousand."
-[audience laughter] -"Yeah."
Then you're just waiting to get paid.
Sometimes you're so eager to check, you'll check at 11:58.
11:58 on a Thursday, just to check online.
[gasps] "What? They ain't paid me yet. What?"
"No, man, fuck that."
"I'm stealing all the candles at work tomorrow."
"No, I'm not having that."
Sometimes you gotta go to the cashpoint late at night.
One in the morning, go to your little cashpoint, yeah?
Hit the high street, you're shitting yourself.
[audience laughter]
You got your keys between your fingers, just in case…
-[audience laughter] -…any crackheads get shafty.
[swift whooshing]
[audience laughter]
But what a joyous feeling.
What a joyous feeling to earn your own money.
I'll never forget that feeling.
Oh my gosh, to go and check a cashpoint,
put my card in, and see money that I have earned myself…
Oh my gosh, I feel like the whole thing happened in slow motion.
-[slow bass beat playing] -[audience laughter]
[upbeat bass beat playing]
[audience laughter]
[mouthing]
[audience laughter]
-[Mo laughs] -[music fades]
You know what's so funny about… [laughs]
-[audience cheering] -Thank you.
-[Mo laughing] -[audience cheering and applauding]
Know what's funny about that joke? Some of you look at me like…
"Yeah, big man, we get it. You got paid, cuz. We get it, cuz."
"Speed this up. Put this in fast-forward, my guy."
[audience laughter]
Treat yourself, 'cause that's what you always do, you treat yourself.
I remember treating myself with some Air Max 95's, yeah?
Back in the day, we'd call them 110's because they cost 110 pounds.
Then having to lie to my mum…
"Oh, these are nice. Ooh, very nice."
Out of nowhere, my mum. "These are good for the winter." The winter?
We live in South London, not Alaska. What's wrong with you, man?
"Mm, very nice. Very nice."
"How much are these?"
"How much are these?" "Um…"
-"Thirty pounds." -[audience laughter]
Even then, Mum thinks it's expensive. "Thirty pounds?"
-[audience laughter] -"Could've got good plimsolls for that."
-Plimsolls? -[audience laughter]
It's not Year 4 PE. Who the fuck wears plimsolls?
Everything is entry-level at this stage of life.
Even the wallet you have, guys. You ain't got a fancy wallet.
You got that shitty Nike wallet. That shitty Nike Velcro wallet at the bar.
"You want a drink? I'll get it." Making that noise…
-"Shhhh." -[audience laughter]
You got no cards, National Insurance,
your mum's Nectar card, library card.
[audience laughter]
Then you got this little pussy zip that don't even open.
"How much?" "Two pounds." "I'll get it." [grunts] "Brr. Brr."
[audience laughter]
Life is good when you earn money.
'Cause the worst stage of my life, yeah, was when I was, like, 15 to 17,
when I had no money.
I couldn't work. That's the worst stage.
You're looking for any money you can get. That's all you care about.
Your nan, birthdays, you're just looking for the money in the card, yeah?
Just looking. "Hello, okay, no money."
"All right, Nan, I hope you die. Go fuck yourself. Hope you die tonight."
[audience laughter]
"Hope the Grim Reaper takes you tonight."
-"No money in there." -[audience laughter]
"I put you in the will."
"Well, I hope you will die tonight, how about that?"
[audience laughter]
But there's no money in the card.
[Mo laughs]
You're looking for any money you can get, yeah?
I remember once my mum said, "Listen, Mo, listen."
"Go to the shop. Here's five pounds, yeah? Five pounds."
"I want you to get me a bag of rice."
"I got work early in the morning, get me some breakfast or cereal."
"You keep the change."
[gasps] "What? Keep the change?"
"What?"
"Keep the change of a five-pound note?"
"Change of keep?"
"Oh my gosh."
That's all I'm hearing. I forgot the rest. "Keep the change."
Walking to the shop, "Keep the change." Oh my gosh. "Keep the change."
"The change I can have and keep for myself."
"I'mma keep all this fucking change. Are you all right?"
Got into the shop, my mind is gone blank.
Poof.
"Okay, what do I need to buy?"
"What do I need to buy?"
"Um…" [clicks tongue]
"I need to buy something for myself 'cause I'm gonna keep the change."
-"Uh… Okay. All right. All right." -[audience laughter]
"Let me just get that. I think that's what she wanted."
Then I got to keep £2.50 change.
Let me tell you something. I took a pound, saved that for the next day,
and then in the shop, I had £1.50 to spend.
Do you know how much £1.50 is?
Some things I was looking at in the shop, like, I didn't care about them.
Things I'd always want, I'm like, "Don't want a Wham."
"No, no onion rings."
"No, you can fuck off, Freddo. No."
-[audience laughter] -I went to the fridge freezer,
opened it up, and you know what I picked up?
A Magnum.
-[audience cheering] -Oh my gosh.
A Magnum. I don't care what anyone says,
a Magnum ice cream is the most top-tier ice cream you can buy. Yeah?
It comes in a nice foil, air-concealed wrapper.
Even the way to eat a Magnum, yeah?
I took the long way home. I devoured this Magnum, people.
I turned it to the side, I'd nibble the side,
'cause that's how you start, you nibble the side. [smacking lips]
Then what happens, as you nibble the side,
then you turn it this way, yeah? Turn it this way, yeah?
On the left-hand side, break this off,
get these little blades of chocolate stuck to the ice cream, yeah?
Take them blades of chocolate, people. Eat them… [smacking lips]
And guess what? Check this out.
On the right-hand side, there's another blade of chocolate…
-[audience laughter] -…stuck to the ice cream.
Take that one off as well. Eat that, enjoy that.
[smacking lips]
Devour the smooth, succulent ice cream.
And just when you think your Magnum is finished, my friend,
it's not finished. Know why?
You got these little clumps of chocolate right at the bottom of the wooden stick.
Oh my gosh!
Enjoy them!
-Clink, clink. Mm, mm, mm. -[audience cheering and applauding]
So good, you will even eat the wooden stick.
-Mmm, mwah. -[audience laughter]
Got home, felt rejuvenated.
"There you go, Mum. I got what you needed to get." Boom.
My mum looked at me, started laughing.
[laughing]
"Okay. All right." [laughs]
"Okay. Okay, you got jokes. Okay, all right, okay."
I'm looking at her, "Uh…"
"I do, I'm probably gonna be a comedian one day, so…"
-[laughs nervously] -[audience laughter]
"What's so funny? Okay."
Now I realized that what happens when my mum gets angry, she laughs.
But I think it's actually funny in this moment.
'Cause you start seeing my mum's buildup of anger.
"Okay." [laughs]
"Okay, all right. So I sent you to the shop with five pounds,
and that's what you got me?"
"Okay. Mm. Okay. All right."
"You must think I'm some kind of [loudly] fucking idiot!"
[audience laughter]
"So you're telling me you got Rice fucking Krispies?"
"That's what you're telling me? What did I say to get, huh?"
"I said rice and some cereal for breakfast,
and you came back with Rice Krispies."
-[audience laughter] -"Hold on, let me ask you this."
"Let me ask you something."
"Last night, I was seasoning chicken, and we was gonna have that for dinner."
"What'll we have on the side?"
"Look at my face and tell me what we was gonna have on the side."
"Um…"
[sighs]
"Um, maybe we was gonna have
Rice Krispies?"
"Okay, I'm not gonna lie,
I'm gonna go prison for you kids today, I'm not gonna lie."
"I will fully go prison for these fucking kids today."
"I'm so mad. I'm so disappointed in you."
"Where's my change?"
[audience] Oh!
-"I don't know where… I don't know." -[audience laughter]
"I don't know, Mum. I don't know where it is."
Now, at this point of you getting grilled, do you know who wants to get involved?
Little siblings, yeah? They want to get involved.
They want to ask for things at a time you do not ask your mum for anything.
We know the trick is, ask your mum for things when she is on the phone,
not when she's enraged.
But they come hopping in, these little siblings of yours.
"Hello, Mummy! Hi, Mummy! Oh hello, Mummy! Oh my gosh!"
"Hello, Rice Krispies! Hello, Peppa Pig! Mummy, can I have some Rice Krispies?"
"Listen, you kids better move out of my face
before you all get snapped, crackled, and fucking popped! Move!"
"Move out of my face now!"
"I don't like none of you kids. Move out of my face!"
[audience cheering]
Consoling your sibling,
"It's all right, man, don't worry. Mum loves you. It's all right."
Little sibling… [crying] "I didn't even do anything!"
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughs]
"Shouldn't have gotten involved. Why'd you get involved?"
"Always getting involved."
[stammering] "I just wanted Rice
Krispies!"
[audience laughter]
"Why you getting involved? Always involved, man."
"You're adopted. You know you're adopted? You know that?"
"No, I'm not! N-No I'm not!"
-[audience laughter] -[Mo chuckles]
[Mo laughing]
That's what they do to little sibs. "You are. Look at his toes."
"Oh my days, look at his toes!"
"No!"
-"We ain't got them toes." -[crying] "No, we do!"
-[Mo laughing] -[audience laughter]
But I had to move out, man.
Ended up moving in with my girlfriend. That was an experience in itself.
When you live with a partner, that's a real test of relationships.
You people in your honeymoon period, you're pricks.
You don't know real relationships.
Went on holiday with each other? No, you don't know each other.
You know each other when you live with each other.
For example, interior design.
Guys, not a chance. You can't buy nothing.
Women love interior design.
In their hearts, they're all Carol Smillie.
[audience laughter]
You've all got your Pinterest right now of your dream houses.
And you know what women really want? I'mma tell you.
Know what they want? They want a kitchen…
Not just any kitchen, a kitchen with an island.
-That's what they want. Yeah. Yeah. -[audience cheering]
Look at them. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
[Mo laughs]
What? What, with a marble finish?
-Oh shit! -[audience cheering and laughing]
So when you leave work in the morning, it's like, "You're up, babes, morning!"
"Breakfast!"
[Mo laughs]
And guys, do you know what your one role is?
Your one role is take out the rubbish. That's it.
Take out the rubbish.
Sometimes you'll try and throw it onto your missus, yeah?
"I don't want to take out the rubbish. You take it."
"Me? Take out the rubbish?"
"No! I could get murdered."
-"Murdered?" -[audience laughter]
"By who, the Rubbish Man Murderer?"
[audience laughter and applause]
And also, in the household, women, stop doing this thing, yeah?
Stop doing this at night,
when you've been on your phone for three hours, yeah,
and you put your phone down,
and we must put down our phone as well!
-No, man! -[audience cheering and applauding]
Fuck that. Come on, man!
-[audience cheering] -Fuck that! I knew you'd come up there.
Come on, get up! Come on, my man.
Come on, bruv. Fuck that, man!
[audience whistling]
[Mo laughs]
It was so awkward. The last girl was like…
[audience laughter]
He's beside… "That what you think, yeah? Okay, all right."
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughs]
I'm sorry if I got you in trouble. I'm so sorry. [laughs]
You was rejoicing, "Yeah, cuz! Yeah, cuz! Every time, cuz."
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughs]
It all comes down to communication.
Good communication, you'll have a great relationship.
'Cause right now, everyone wants to go out.
Post-lockdown blues, we wanna go back to normal.
We wanna go out raving, clubbing, doing the things that we like doing.
And we don't even communicate.
I've got friends who are lads, geezers. They go out whenever they like.
I'm so jealous sometimes.
Like, "Listen, Stace, I'm going out. Fuck off." Boom.
They are out! They are out on a Saturday morning at 10:00 a.m.,
getting a fry-up with the lads.
Then twelve o'clock, they go to the bookies.
They put a bet on. They're not doing big bets. 50p.
-50p, you know. -[audience laughter]
50p bets, do an accumulator,
-betting on 20 teams to win in one day. -[audience laughter]
And one team will let them down.
"Fucking hell, Tottenham Hotspurs. It's always Tottenham. Fuck's sake."
[scattered cheering]
Then all the lads meet up at the pub, and that's where it goes off.
-All the lads see each other, "Oh hey!" -[audience laughter]
Geezers are the only guys I know who insult on entry.
"What's happening? Fucking hell, Dino. What's happening, you fat cunt? Oh hey!"
They all start hitting his belly. "Oh hey, fat boy! Oh hey!"
[audience laughter]
I'll tell you something.
We do not insult each other in the Black community. Not a chance.
Not a chance. What, at entry?
"Gwan, what are you saying?"
"Man like Tyrone with your eczema. What you telling me, my guy?"
[audience laughter]
"My brother, don't fucking do that. Why you talking about my dry knees, cuz?"
"Don't ever do that, cuz."
"I will slap you with E45. Don't ever do that."
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughing]
Then all the lads are there.
And you've seen lads, geezers, they all stick to the same drink.
"What are you drinking? A pint? Let's get him a pint. Get him drinking."
One guy not drinking, Little Lee. "What you drinking, Lee?"
"No, I'm not drinking, mate. Going on the straight and narrow now."
"Been going to AA, really good for my mind and health. Going through a bad patch."
"What you drinking, though?"
"Cranberry juice."
"Cranberry juice?"
"On your fucking period? Get him a fucking pint."
-[audience laughter] -"Fucking crying…"
[imitates nagging]
-"Get him a fucking pint." -[audience laughter]
All the lads are there, having the time of their life.
They're letting their hair down.
A lot of these guys have laboring jobs, building jobs, sometimes even carpentry.
You know these guys.
Very stressful, intense jobs. They're letting their hair down.
'Cause these guys are double busy. They've always got the van in traffic,
just getting in beef with cyclists.
"Get out of the road, 'cause I'll break your legs right now, son."
I love middle-class cyclists. Know why? They don't even swear. They're like,
"Why don't you shut up of your mouth now?"
[audience laughter]
"Shut, up, I'll break your legs." "No, you won't, I've got my camera! Ha!"
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughing]
Them man will catch you on the camera, boy.
"You're on the camera now!"
[audience laughter]
"Get away from me!"
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughs]
"Lucky you got that camera, or I'd smash your legs."
[audience laughter]
Is it just me? It can't just be me.
Have you guys seen these cyclists at the lights,
the ones that get to the front, these cocky pricks.
They don't put their foot out to balance. They balance on the bike. Seen these guys?
Just grip the wheel, just…
[gasping]
Waiting for it to go green. Fuck them guys.
[audience laughter]
Now it gets to about six o'clock. This guy's been out since 10:00 a.m.
He starts flagging a little bit, contemplating whether he should go home.
"Oh mate, I think I might call it a day. No, I'm absolutely shattered."
"Yeah, I've gotta slow down. I've gotta absolutely slow down in life."
"Spend some time with my little boy, Archie. Yeah, spend some time with him."
"He's only six years old, but I tell you, he'll play for Chelsea when he's older."
-[audience laughter] -"Absolutely crazy, yeah."
"I think I'm gonna go home, spend some time with the missus."
"Yeah, I think I'm gonna go home. Yeah. I think I'll leave it tonight."
All they need is one boost.
"What's that? I'll have a beer. Yeah."
"Ah yeah!"
-[audience cheering] -"Whoo, ah, yeah!"
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughs]
These guys start speaking to anybody in the club.
-[audience laughter] -Eyes wide.
Me and three Black guys, minding our business.
"What's happening? I don't know you, you don't know me, I'm a normal bloke."
"I don't understand what's going on." [laughs]
"You don't know me, good night, I don't know you."
"I fucking love you. Take care." [kisses]
And they just kiss you!
[audience laughter]
They just kiss you for no reason.
[audience laughter]
I say to my friends who are lads and geezers,
"You lot, when you go out, you guys seem like you have such a mad night."
"What is the top-tier night?" "I'll tell you what a top-tier night is."
"Wanna know a top-tier night? Getting into a scrap."
I said, "What? What, like a fight?"
They say, "Oh yeah. I love getting into a fight."
And that's why I like geezers.
When they get into a fight, there's no talking.
"You what? You want some?"
-Pow! Headbutt. -[audience laughter]
Straight headbutt, the fight is done.
Tracy's like, "Fucking leave it! Always fighting! Always fighting"
"Leave it! Fuck you, Dave!"
"Shut up! Get in the fucking cab. Shut up!"
[audience laughter]
That's it, fight is done.
But they'll be on the building site Monday morning,
-exaggerating the fight. -[audience laughter]
Geezers and lads will tell you the best fight stories you've ever heard.
"So basically, bruv, guy's come up to me, fucking seven-foot Anthony Joshua cunt,
he comes up to me."
"He's already swung. I've gone full-on Matrix."
"'You slag.' Straight up."
"Pow! Headbutted him. I swear to you."
"Headbutted him. I swear on me nan's grave…"
"I swear to you, his nose came off. I swear, his nose actually came off."
"Little Lee was doing kick-ups with it."
"His nose come off. I swear on me nan's grave."
"I wouldn't lie on me nan's grave, would I?"
-[audience laughter] -[Mo chuckles]
Difference is, in the Black community, we don't even like to fight.
You've seen it when it kicks off.
It's one guy asking everyone questions apart from the guy he'll fight.
"What? Is this guy mad?"
[audience laughter]
"Talk to this guy, 'cause I'm getting mad!"
"Who's this guy? Talk to my man now!"
"Does he know who I am?"
[audience laughter]
Even Chantal gets involved 'cause she knows both parties.
"Why you lot always gotta fight for, man, every fucking time, man?"
"Can't even have a good night. You lot always wanna fight."
"No, man, you lot are dusty, you need to allow that."
[babbling mockingly]
[audience laughter]
Chantal will get involved, though. She'll back it for the man, Chantal.
You've seen Chantal after the fight. One shoe on, one shoe off.
-[breathing heavily] -[audience laughter]
-"Where's my phone?" -[audience laughter]
"I need my phone. I can't find my phone."
With one titty out.
-[audience laughter] -"I need my phone."
"What? What are you looking at? What?"
"What?"
And then she just puts Jamaican twang in it.
"What are you looking at? Can be a bad gyal, you know?"
"What?"
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughing]
The men are just like,
"I'm looking at that titty. Not gonna lie, I'm looking at the titty."
"You looking at her titty? Me too, I'm looking at her titty."
There's always one horny friend.
"I ain't gonna lie, I'll suck that titty now on the street."
[audience laughter]
Even me, I don't like fighting. I never liked fighting.
I've never been a fighter. I like to call myself a defender.
I find ways to defend myself in fights, every situation.
For example, I've got small wrists, yeah?
This is a hazard for me, yeah? Small wrists, yeah?
If someone holds my wrist, that's it.
So you know what I do every day?
-I make sure I cream my arms, yeah? -[audience laughter]
Just in case someone holds me,
-I go, "Get the fuck off me, bruv." -[audience laughter]
"Don't fucking touch these smooth wrists. Get the fuck off me, bruv."
"How dare you?"
But even back in the day, I didn't like fighting. Yeah?
We used to settle it, back in the day, by doing clash. That's what we'd do.
We'd go to the youth club and we'd do a clash.
That's what our mentors would say. "No, man. Fighting? Fuck that."
"Just spray on the mic."
That's what we'd do, cuss each other's mums at the youth club.
I'll take you back to what we used to do in the youth club.
I'mma split the room in half.
You guys are the left side, yeah?
So I'm gonna give you your word for the clash. Your word is "okay."
Let's try. Here we go.
One, two, three.
[audience] Okay.
Okay, not too bad.
Your voice is deep. Oh my gosh, bruv.
[deep voice] "Okay!"
[audience laughter]
Okay. All right. Now, right-hand side. You guys are the right-hand side.
Now, everybody on the right-hand side,
your word of choice is gonna be "dickhead." Is that all right?
-[audience cheering] -Okay. Fantastic. Look at them talking.
"I think that's fine. We don't need to practice. I know this word by heart."
-[audience laughter] -Okay, all right.
DJ, run the track, please.
-Okay. Okay. -[hip hop playing]
When I point to you, that is your time. We'll go to the left first.
♪ Okay Let me talk to the left side ♪
-♪ Everybody say… ♪ -[audience] Okay!
♪ Let me talk to the left side ♪
-♪ Everybody say… ♪ -[audience] Okay!
♪ Let me talk to the right side ♪
-♪ We call the left side… ♪ -[audience] Dickhead!
♪ Let me talk to the right We call the left… ♪
[audience] Dickhead!
[Mo laughs]
[audience laughter]
[Mo laughing]
-[audience cheering] -[Mo laughing]
-The right side waited their whole life… -[audience laughter]
…to say that "dickhead," yeah?
Look at you scoundrels in the middle. "Yeah, I'm on this side now, so, yeah."
Look at the left side, you're fuming. "Can we get another word?"
Okay. All right. I'mma give you guys a better word on the left side.
Your new word is
"wankers." Is that okay?
-[audience] Yes! -Yeah? Yeah?
You gotta really say it.
If you wanna do the hand and get involved, get involved, yeah?
Okay, right-hand side, how's it going?
-They're like, "We're 1 and 0 so far." -[audience cheering]
So, right-hand side, you've been upgraded.
Your word on the right-hand side is gonna be
"pussyhole."
-Yeah? -[audience laughter]
Ooh.
Oh my gosh. Wow.
Okay, DJ, run the track, please.
-[hip hop plays] -♪ Let me talk to the left ♪
-♪ We call the right… ♪ -[audience] Wanker!
♪ Let me talk to the left We call the right… ♪
[audience] Wanker!
♪ Let me talk to the right side We tell them… ♪
[audience] Pussyhole!
[audience laughing and applauding]
-[Mo laughing] -[audience cheering and whistling]
No. No.
Did you lot see their lips? Everyone on the right side, their lips went…
[audience laughter]
Some of you lot were gonna explode!
[audience laughter]
Sixty-year-old Barbara over there, "Pussyhole!"
[audience laughter]
"Give it to them! They're not even on time over there!"
[audience laughter]
Oh, left-hand side, man.
All right. Okay. What I'm gonna do now, I'll be fair. Okay.
Is there a word that you guys collectively would like to have as your word?
Is there a word?
[audience shouting]
-"Bumboclaat"? Ooh. -[audience laughter]
Okay, you've woke up.
-Thanks for coming, left side. Finally! -[audience laughter]
Look at these scumbags in the middle. "Yeah, I think I'm on this side now."
Okay, your one is "bumboclaat."
-Okay. Nice. -[audience cheering]
How's it going, right side? Doing well, fantastic.
-[audience cheering] -Now, guys, you're on level three.
I'll tell you what word you have.
I'm gonna go into my safe, okay.
Here we go. We're going very vintage.
[gasps] Oh my gosh.
Know what you have on the right side? Oh my gosh.
You've hit the jackpot. Know what you guys have got?
"Suck your mum."
[audience laughing and cheering]
Oh my gosh.
Patience is the virtue.
That's what it is.
Oh my gosh.
"Bumboclaat" versus "Suck your mum." [gasps]
-[audience laughter] -Oh my gosh.
DJ, run the track one last time.
-Okay. -[hip hop plays]
♪ Let me talk to the left ♪
-♪ We tell the right side… ♪ -[audience] Bumboclaat!
♪ Let me talk to the left We tell the right… ♪
[audience] Bumboclaat!
♪ Let me talk to the right side We tell them… ♪
[audience] Suck your mum!
[audience cheering]
-[Mo laughing] -[audience cheering]
This guy standing up like he started it. "Yeah!"
[audience laughter]
I don't even know how we got here. Basically what I'm trying to say… [laughs]
…is guys, if you want to go out, just go out.
Stop doing this random amnesia that we do on a Thursday night
sitting there with our missus, like,
"Oh. By the way, do you know what, babes?"
"I just realized, yeah,
I'm going out on Saturday, you know? Yeah."
-"Yeah." -[audience laughter]
'Cause in this moment, your missus is fuming. Yeah?
"Oh, that's nice. Really good for you, okay."
"Fantastic. You didn't say nothing about this."
Then, guys, we pretend like we don't want to go out, don't we?
"Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I don't even know if I want to go, you know?"
-[audience laughter] -"Yeah, I don't even know, you know?"
Your missus will test you as well, you know?
"Yeah, I don't even know if I want to go."
"Maybe you should stay with me."
"We'll get a Chinese and watch the Sex and the City movie."
[audience laughter]
"Yeah, I'm probably gonna have to go, you know, babes. Yeah."
Saturday comes, guys, you're absolutely feeling yourself, yeah?
Aren't you, guys? You're in the shower,
you got your music playing in the sink for the echo vibrations.
You look in the mirror, you're feeling yourself,
you look in the mirror like, "What? [laughs] Man like you."
[audience laughter]
"What?" The mirror even goes, "No, bruv, man like you."
[audience laughter]
Your missus is fuming. She's sitting on the sofa with Sudocrem on her face.
-Pow, pow, pow, pow. -[audience laughter]
-[mockingly] "Man like you. Man like you." -[audience laughter]
She is fuming.
You're just about to leave.
"Yeah, gwan, my guy, you're outside, yeah?"
"Okay, let me bring the lemonade for the mixer, let me bring that."
Out of nowhere, "Don't take that lemonade."
"That's mine. I was gonna drink that tonight by myself."
[audience laughter]
"Babe, that's been in the fridge for, like, four weeks."
"Yeah, and I'm gonna drink it by myself 'cause you're not gonna be here, yes."
[audience laughter]
Guys, when your missus is feeling like this, just go.
Just go and enjoy yourself. But what do you do?
You want to see what's wrong. Don't you, guys? You wanna inspect.
"Babes, what's wrong? You seem like you're in some kind of mood."
"What's wrong with you? What's wrong? I'm about to go out. What's wrong?"
"No, I'm absolutely fine."
"I'm having a great time by myself, so I'm fine, yeah."
"I can tell you're not fine so I'm saying, what's wrong?"
"Sorry, why are you shouting right now?"
"Why are you shouting?"
You don't know if you're shouting or not. "What? Was I shouting? I wasn't shouting."
"What are you talking about?"
"Babes, you seem like you're in a mood."
"I'm gonna go out with my friends, and you seem pissed off."
"What do you mean, I'm in a mood, and you're going out?"
"No, don't gaslight me. Why are you gaslight…"
"What you're doing is gaslighting. That's what you're doing."
Sorry, women, where the fuck did you find this word from?
[audience laughter]
"Gaslighting." Us guys don't even know what it means.
-"What, gaslighting? Lighting of the gas?" -[audience laughter]
"So, hold on. Are you on fire if I'm gonna light this gas?"
"I don't understand. Do I work for British Gas?"
"Why would I light the gas? I don't understand."
Then you women hit us with a phrase that you absolutely love.
This phrase has been the downfall of man for centuries.
You know the phrase.
-"Do you know what? Do whatever you want." -[audience laughter]
"Do whatever you like."
"I don't care. Do whatever you want. Yeah?"
Guys, don't do whatever you want. It's a trick.
[audience laughter]
Don't do whatever you like. Just go out with the guys.
You know what it's like with the guys.
It's a different energy, especially in the club.
Ten guys on a table. Everyone's being cool.
You see them on the table, being cool.
You've got the music playing in the club, yeah?
All the guys do the pictures.
"Come, come. Picture, picture."
[hip hop playing]
[audience laughter]
Even people take pictures like they're a bad man, yeah?
Tim works with kids. He's a teacher, yeah?
But when he's with the guys, he takes a picture like he's a bad man.
You've seen Tim's pictures on Instagram.
[audience laughter]
With the caption, "Money is the pain that caused it."
-What are you talking about, man? -[audience laughter]
There's only one guy in the group enjoying himself, yeah?
There's always a tense friend, isn't there?
The tense friend, distressed.
"Yo, blud, you know this guy? I'll bang him in the face for you."
"What? Why you gonna bang him in the face?"
"He's the fucking waiter. What's wrong with you?"
-[audience laughter] -Only one guy is dancing.
He's doing them new TikTok dances. You've seen these guys, yeah?
[audience laughter]
"Hey!"
He's having too much fun. Can't have too much fun.
"Bruv, don't do that, man."
[audience laughter]
And what happens?
The mandem start putting it on their Insta stories.
You know what it's like, women. You are checking them stories, aren't you?
All the mandem. "Yo, he telling me my guy put it on the story?"
"Hey! Hey! Hey!"
"Having the time of my life right now!"
And just as you're having the time of your life,
your missus will send you that dissertation text, yeah?
During the dance, yeah?
[audience laughter]
You know when the texts are so long, it says, "Read more"?
[audience laughter]
-[audience cheering] -[Mo laughing]
-[audience applauding] -[Mo laughing]
Look at all these witches clapping. "Yeah, that's what we do."
-[audience laughter] -"Fuck up their shit."
'Cause, guys, we be fuming, innit? Oh my gosh, we'll be fuming.
Just sitting there, contemplating life. "No, I can't do this anymore. No, man."
"Me? Why would you do this to me?"
"No, man, me, you know?"
"Do you know how cold I am at FIFA, and you want to do this to me?"
"No, man."
Just got your little McDonald's 20 nuggets, you're fuming, yeah?
"Don't even want to eat this now, I'm fuming."
What happens? You know what happens?
Guys, you put your keys in the door, and then all of a sudden,
you women turn into Hollywood actresses, yeah?
That key goes in the door, and you're awake,
but when you hear that key…
[gasps]
-[snores] -[audience laughter]
"Babes."
[audience laughter]
"Babes, are you sleeping, babes?"
"Huh? Huh?"
[audience laughter]
[yawns]
"Mm, yeah, I was sleeping, yeah."
-[audience laughter] -"Mm, what time is it?"
-"Oh, 3:00 a.m.?" -[audience laughter]
"Oh, have a good night, though, yeah?"
-"Mm." -[audience laughter]
"Yeah, I had a good night. I wanted to quickly speak to you."
"I know it's kind of late, but I wanna get some things off my chest."
"Oh."
-"Okay, it's a bit late, but…" -[audience laughter]
"Mm, okay, well, yeah. Say what you say, what's up? What's up?"
"So basically, um, you know, like, obviously, like,
I was… I was… you know, I got my little food after the rave,
and I was just thinking to myself, like how I feel."
"Sorry, what'd you say? What'd you say?"
"I'm saying I was thinking to myself."
"No, before that."
"I'm saying I got some food before I came and stuff, innit, so--"
"Yeah, okay, all right. Say what you're saying."
"Um…"
"Okay, basically, yeah, I just feel like in a relationship,
if I want to go out, I should be able to go out when I want,
because at the end of the day, I should be free and do what I want."
"Okay, all right, sorry, can I stop you there?"
"Can I stop you there? Sorry. Um, can I just stop you one second?"
"Okay, look. At the end of the day, I don't care."
"You go raving with your friends, so what? I'm not bothered about that."
"What I'm bothered about is this weird amnesia you get, like,
'Oh, know what? I didn't know I was going out.'" [babbling mockingly]
"You're a big, grown man and you don't know you're going out Saturday,
and it's Thursday?"
"Am I a dickhead? I'm not a dickhead. You know what I'm saying?"
"What I'm saying is if you go out, I don't even care."
"'Cause I don't know…"
"Do you know what? Whatever. See what I'm saying?" [eating]
"Because we need to be talking as a couple…"
[eating]
"…where we can just get on, 'cause we're not getting on,
and I don't want conflict and be like, you know…" [eating]
"You know… Have you got the Sweet 'N Sour sauce?"
-[audience laughter] -"Okay."
Yeah, women will just gas you up in two seconds.
"I'm not gonna lie, though, yeah? I'm not gonna lie."
[eating]
"You did look very buff today, not gonna lie."
[audience laughter]
"I don't like it when you go out looking all buff,
'cause you know what you're doing."
"Am I lying? You know what you're doing. What are you doing?"
"Love, me man, I'm not doing no, man. Love, me man."
-[audience laughter] -"This girl, man. So dumb, man."
"Okay, listen, give me a kiss. I love you." [kisses]
"Okay. All right. Good night. I love you. Okay. Good night."
Guys, you go to bed with a different energy.
[audience laughter]
"Yeah, fucking told her there, you know? Yeah."
-[audience laughter] -"Yeah."
[chuckles]
[groans]
[inhales]
"Mm, mm."
[inhales] "Mm, okay. Mm."
[inhales deeply, exhales]
-[audience laughter] -[smacks lips]
"Mm." [smacks lips]
[inhales] "Mm."
[audience laughter]
"Hey, babes. Babes."
"Are you sleeping, babes?"
[audience laughter]
[Mo laughing]
-[audience laughing] -[Mo laughs]
"Mm."
-[audience laughter] -"Mm."
-[audience laughter] -"Mm. Mm."
"Yes, I'm sleeping."
-[audience laughter] -[Mo laughs]
-[Mo laughing] -[audience cheering and applauding]
[Mo laughs]
That drunk nugget sex where…
-"Unh, unh." -[audience laughter]
I gotta big up the women.
You lot go out whenever you want. You're not asking anyone. Yeah?
"Listen, babes, I'm going to Ibiza, I'll see you next weekend." Boom.
-You're out. You're gone. -[audience laughter]
You don't care, you're not asking for permission. You're gone.
Even the way you're going out and raving has completely changed.
You're not going out at night anymore.
Your new thing now is brunches.
-Oh my gosh. -[audience cheering]
Women, you love a brunch!
Madam, you've been to a brunch, yeah? You been to a brunch?
Look at them. "Been to a brunch? Going to one tomorrow. Yeah."
-[audience laughter] -You women love a brunch.
Guys, I don't know if you understand what happens.
'Cause you know what it's like, there'll be 15 girls going to this brunch.
Fifteen girls, yeah? They're all planning.
Even girls' groups, girls, you know what it's like, 15 girls in the batch,
but really, you're only close friends with, like, two or three of them.
The rest are just girls from other friends,
but you need those numbers so you can get a good table.
'Cause you've got beef with some of the girls from four years ago,
and this girl doesn't even know you paid for her cab four years ago.
Every time you see her, you're so passive.
"Hello, you all right, Sarah? See you got here okay, did you?"
[audience laughter]
"Fucking bitch. I don't like her. I don't even like her, you know."
"It's four pounds." "The point is the principle."
[audience laughter]
Guys, you don't realize when women go to the brunch,
it's all about pictures for the ladies.
Women, you go nuts with pictures. You got your weird fucking poses.
What's this pose about, where you're standing here, and this leg is up here?
-What's going on? -[audience laughter]
Are you taking a free kick, Cristiano Ronaldo? What's going on?
[audience laughter]
But girls go mad for their girls in these pictures. They go absolutely mad.
"Babe, take a picture." They go nuts. "Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow."
"Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Pow, pow, pow."
[trilling tongue]
You know there's a feature, if you hold down the iPhone camera,
it takes, like, 10,000 pictures in one go.
"Just move. Come into the light and move, yeah?" You'll just see her go…
[audience laughter]
Just looking for the one picture
in the cab with your girl, 10,000 pictures.
You find the one, crop it, put a filter on there,
vivid warm, it's on the 'Gram. Yeah?
And you meet all the other girls, yeah?
All the girls link up.
"Don't go in before me. Wait for me." You all meet up.
"Hello, you all right, darling? How you doing? Ah!"
"Hello, baby. I love you." [kisses] "Hello, how you doing, you okay?"
"Sarah. Bitch."
[audience laughter]
"Hiya, hello, you all right? How you doing? Hiya."
"Hiya! Hiya!"
-[audience laughter] -Ladies love that "hiya" word.
Guys, we cannot use the "hiya" word. It's not allowed for us.
We don't have the vocal tone to use "hiya."
Could you imagine you and the lads?
[deep voice] "What's happening, Gary? Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!"
[audience laughter]
All the girls are there, 15 girls are there on the table.
And as you get drunk, the pictures change.
"Come on, girls, let's do a Boomerang. Let's do a Boomerang!"
Why is it when you do an Instagram Boomerang,
you do what's gonna happen in the Boomerang?
"Do something for the Boomerang. Ready? One, two, three."
[audience laughter]
Some girls are not even ready for the Boomerang.
They're just in the back of your Boomerang.
[audience laughter]
[Mo chuckles]
"I look so ugly, don't put that up."
"I'm putting it up. It's up there on the 'Gram. It's on the 'Gram."
[audience laughter]
Then you're loading up to get to the turn-up, yeah?
Now, you're drunk. And you know what happens, ladies?
When you get drunk, you become so annoying.
Do you notice?
I don't think you notice.
You get so annoying, yeah?
And what do you want to do when you get drunk and annoying
and you're reaching for the turn-up? Do you want to keep turning up?
No. What you want to do, you want to check in with us.
Yeah? In the afternoon, leave me alone.
-I'm playing Call of Duty. Leave me alone. -[audience laughter]
I'm playing Call of Duty in the afternoon. Leave me alone.
I'll be honest, I'll tell you for free,
when we're out with the guys, we don't want to check in on you.
-[audience laughter] -We don't.
You know what it's like, guys. "Man, gonna call the missus."
"Bruv, don't do it."
[audience laughter]
"Why?" "She'll spoil the fun and tell you to come home."
"Okay, I won't do it. I won't do it."
I'm playing Call of Duty with my friends in the afternoon, online,
with people all around the world,
and you want to call me up from the brunch,
drunk with your annoying self? Yeah?
"Hello?"
"Hello, is that the bitch pussy old boy, hello?"
-[audience laughter] -[laughing]
"Hello?"
"Uh, babes, babes, um, I'm…
Babes, I'm playing Call of Duty right now, babes."
"Uh, what's wrong?"
"Oh, you're playing Call of Duty. Okay."
[mockingly] "All right, I'm a soldier man. Okay."
[mockingly] "A soldier man."
"So what are you doing? What's going on in the Call of Duty game?"
"What's going on there? What's happening in that thing?"
"I can't really talk right now 'cause we're about to go into the Gulag,
so can't really talk right now."
"I'm saying, yeah, fuck the fucking Gulag, yeah?"
"Okay, listen to what I'm saying, yeah."
"I'm at the brunch, yeah."
[burps] "Okay."
-[laughing drunkenly] -[audience laughter]
[laughs]
"No, prosecco gasses me up, it gasses me up, you know that, Chanice."
[coughs]
"Listen, yeah."
"I'm here, yeah."
"And I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit drunk, yeah?"
"And you know what, yeah?"
-[laughing drunkenly] -[audience laughter]
"Yas, yaas, yaaas!" [laughs]
"That's Dom Perrier. Dom Perrier." [laughs]
"Can I say something, yeah? I'm a bit drunk, and you know what, yeah?"
"I'm feeling horny, you know that, right?"
-[laughs drunkenly] -[audience laughter]
"So what are you saying, Call of Duty Man? Huh?"
"What you saying? You're gonna blow up my back, you're gonna do that?"
-[laughs drunkenly] -[audience laughter]
"Are you gonna do that, yeah?"
"Can I call you back in a bit?"
"The game's gonna start. I'm about to go into the Gulag."
"So you're playing Call of Duty, yeah?"
"Okay, pussy old boy, all right. Okay."
-"Pew, pew, pew. Pew, pew, pew." -[audience laughter]
"Hold up, wait a minute, it's a pussyhole. Get off the phone."
-[audience laughter] -"Fucking idiot."
-[audience applauding] -"Such an idiot."
Then you girls are drunk.
Oh my gosh, you're drunk.
And you're just about to go into full turn-up mode.
And there's that one song that just makes you lose your mind
-and your inhibitions, yeah? -[hip hop plays]
-"Oh my days!" -[audience laughter]
"Oh my gosh, this is my song."
"Let me take off my heels. Oh my God."
-"Oh my God!" -[audience laughter]
"No, don't… Don't gas me up. Don't gas me up."
"No, gas me up."
"No, I can't do it."
"Oh my gosh, no, I can't, I'm so drunk."
"Oh my gosh, don't record me. No, record me secretly, yeah?"
-[audience laughter] -"Oh my gosh, no, I can't do it."
"Oh my gosh, I'll do it, yeah? Oh my…"
-"Oh!" [laughs] -[audience laughter]
-"Yeah!" -[audience cheering]
"Yeah!"
All the girls are smacking her bum, like:
♪ "That's my bitch!" ♪
♪ "I said, that's my bitch!" ♪
"Stand on the table!"
-"Yeah!" -[audience laughter]
Then the owner comes out. "No, no, no!"
"Get down from the table now! Get down from the fucking table now
because we'll lose the license. Get down from the table!"
"Get down from the table? Do you know how much money I spent,
and you want me to get off the table?"
"Do you know what? Suck your mum, you pussyhole!"
Listen, when I say, "Suck your," you say, "Mum!"
-♪ Suck your… ♪ -[audience] Mum!
♪ When I say, "Suck your" You say, "Mum!" ♪
-♪ Suck your… ♪ -[audience] Mum!
London, thank you lot for coming tonight!
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you so much.
[audience cheering and applauding]
I appreciate you lot so much. Thank you so much.
This is one of my favorite gigs I've ever done, so thank you so much.
Thank you.
-[hip hop playing] -[audience cheering and applauding]
[speaking indistinctly]
[laughter]
[speaking indistinctly]
[laughter]
Man.
[hip hop continues]