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All right, let me explain.
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Friend of mine…
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-"Former friend," we'll call her.
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…is an artist, right?
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And the theme of our friendship
is kind of feeling alone in the world.
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Right? So I wrote this show,
which is about that feeling.
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And I sent her the script and I was like,
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"Hey, can you make a backdrop for me?"
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She's like, "I got you."
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And then two days ago, she sends me this.
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Which feels less like alienation
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and more like a second grade
speech therapist's office.
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I'm like, "How am I supposed
to arrange these things?"
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She's like, "Oh, you'll figure it out."
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So, I'm going to be
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talking to you guys…
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all night, but,
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I'm going to be preoccupied
with trying to satisfy her.
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None of this should surprise me.
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Is your life going smoothly?
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Are you just floating from event to event,
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feeling good about yourself?
'Cause I'm not.
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Most interactions I have feel like
when you go to throw something away
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and it's in one of those garbage cans
that's got a garbage hole,
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a recycling hole, and a compost hole.
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You do your best, but after you're like,
"I don't think I did that right."
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That's how I feel most of the time.
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Going through life
feeling like I fucked up,
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and I'm going to get in trouble.
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I worry that my final thought on Earth,
on my deathbed, is going to be,
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"Is that nurse mad at me?"
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These are technically the areas of my life
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that make me feel like
something's wrong with me.
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Some of them
are more important than others.
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We can start small.
We'll start with dogs. Right?
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So, I never had pets growing up, right?
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But I watch videos of dogs
and they're so funny and loving,
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and soldiers come back from overseas,
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the dog's freaking out,
the soldier's freaking out,
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the dog's fucking his face.
I'm like, you know what?
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I should get a dog.
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So I get a pit bull named Keith.
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And um, everybody told me,
"Keith's going to be your best friend."
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And I gotta say,
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maybe my ninth-best friend.
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Like, we're cool,
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but whatever that thing is that opens up
between humans and animals
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just never opened up.
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And then I go,
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"Do I not understand
human-dog relationships
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or am I the only person
who understands human-dog relationships?"
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'Cause everybody asks the same question,
"Is he a rescue?"
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Yeah, they're all rescues.
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None of these dogs
are thriving on their own.
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Never heard a story like,
"Where'd you get your Labradoodle?"
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"Went into Bank of America.
She was the manager."
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"Now she's our full-time Labradoodle."
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I shouldn't even say I rescued it.
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People love patting
themselves on the back.
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"We rescued it, saved it, adopted it."
No, you didn't.
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Here's what happened
to your dog, my dog, every dog.
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The dog was born into a litter,
kidnapped, given to you.
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"No, Neal. You don't understand.
I'm a dog mom."
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Really? You know who else was a dog mom?
That dog's mom.
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We think because we talk to dogs
like they're babies, they're babies.
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They're not. They're our captives. Right?
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But we think because we go,
"Are you a pretty girl?"
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Pitch your voice down.
See what a monster you are.
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"Are you a pretty girl?"
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"We can go outside.
I have to put a chain around your neck."
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"Do a trick for me.
I'll give you a tiny morsel of food."
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"You're my best friend."
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We try to make movies about it
romanticizing the relationship,
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like Marley & Me.
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You know what a dog sees in Marley & Me?
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He sees Taken,
but Liam Neeson never shows up.
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And, by the way, I think it's my fault.
Something's wrong with me.
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Uh-- So I'd read books
about loving dogs… Just…
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Like, okay, so is this thing…
Is this for my LGBT joke?
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Or is she trying to tell me
I'm on the spectrum?
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Even groups you'd think
I'd feel like I'm a part of,
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I don't feel like I'm a part of. Like…
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liberals.
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Clearly liberal.
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Look at me. Bone-thin.
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I look like Rachel Maddow with a beard.
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But I don't feel like part of the group,
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'cause liberals are
the least-welcoming people on the planet.
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Republicans are having a blast.
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Grabbing pussy,
shooting guns like Westworld.
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Republicans get to be greedy.
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Republicans care about themselves,
their families, rich people, that's it.
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Liberals got to care about everybody.
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Not fetuses. But everybody else.
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Am I right, liberals?
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Fuck a fetus. Who's with me, liberals?
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I will punt a fetus
down Wilshire if I see one.
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The problem being liberal
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is there's no amount of liberal
that's liberal enough.
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If there's a bunch of Republicans
and someone goes,
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"I'm a Republican." They go, "Come on in."
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If there's a bunch of liberals
and a liberal goes, "Hey, I'm liberal,"
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they're like, "We'll see."
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You can believe
the right shit as a liberal,
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but if you express it incorrectly,
you're fucked. It's terrifying.
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Ever try to talk about
transgender issues in public?
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Even right now you're like,
"We don't gotta do this."
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"Don't go out like your boy.
Just move on."
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But that's exactly my point.
It's terrifying.
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I'm sure we all believe the right shit,
but you ever…
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Trying to talk about
transgender issues in public
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is like playing conversational Jenga.
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You're like…
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"Pronouns…"
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"He… They…"
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Then Republicans are like,
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-"Trannies? We'll call 'em trannies?"
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"What happened here?
You guys playing Jenga?"
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"I fucking love Jenga. Rack 'em up."
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There's a lot of little
conundrums as a liberal, right?
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Like, I live in Venice, California, in LA.
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-Yeah.
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And there's a lot of
homeless people in Venice.
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But I'm from New York, so it's hard
to take LA homeless people seriously.
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It's like once you work
with the best, you know?
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So… So one day I get home,
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and I got an… email.
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Paper email.
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A letter, we'll call it.
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The letter says,
"We're opening a homeless shelter."
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As a liberal, that's great.
I keep reading.
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It says, "Across the street
from your house." I was like, "Oh shit."
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It was like being on a game show
like How Liberal Are You?
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-Like, "Uh…"
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"I wrote a Black TV show."
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Yeah. My neighbors
want to protest and shit.
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I'm not going to protest.
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I'm going to move. But I'm not going to…
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No, I didn't move.
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They opened the shelter.
It's not bad. It's fine.
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How Liberal Are You? would be
a funny game show, wouldn't it?
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"You're at an airport
and a Muslim-looking man
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asks you to watch
his luggage while he prays."
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How Liberal Are You?
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"Pass!"
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You know who's a liberal conundrum,
as a person?
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Kanye.
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Yeah, 'cause when Kanye
first started, he said,
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"George Bush doesn't care
about Black people."
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Conservatives were like,
"He needs to shut the fuck up."
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Liberals were like, "Let him speak."
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Then he started saying
how much he liked Trump
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and liberals were like,
"He does need to shut the fuck up."
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People at this point
are just exhausted by Kanye.
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People are like,
"That guy's fucking crazy."
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Yeah. No kidding.
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He's a rapper.
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Since when do you rely on rappers
for their emotional stability?
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What's your argument? "Back in my day,
there was a guy named Flavor Flav."
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"And he'd walk around and say,
'You know what time it is!'"
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"And we did know. He had
a fucking giant clock on his chest."
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"There was another fella named DMX
who'd smoke crack and bark at people."
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00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,062
"He'd go…"
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"And we knew where he stood."
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"His bark was as good as his word."
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"There was another named Eminem
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who'd make albums
about murdering his wife."
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"These are normal people
we are talking about."
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This. Maybe she'll like this.
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Yeah, guns.
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I lose liberals on guns.
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I would like to, before I talk about this,
say that I am afraid of guns,
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but it turns out the cops are too.
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What's the lesson we're supposed
to learn from Uvalde? Right?
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From Uvalde, Texas.
Are we supposed to just…
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It's always got to be
a good guy with a gun?
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That's the only way to stop it? Right?
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Everyone… The whole country's
going to be good guys with guns.
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Everywhere you go, "Freeze!" "You freeze!"
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"I'm already frozen!" Just fucking…
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Also, if it's up to us to stop guns,
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you know, speeding kills
thousands of people every year.
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Are we supposed to stop that too?
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00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,132
We're supposed to run them off the road?
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If we see a speeder coming up,
"You know what they say,
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the only thing that stops bad guy in a car
is a good guy in a car."
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00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:22,515
-Neew!
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00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:32,191
Yeah, my problem with guns is I don't buy
either side's arguments completely.
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So the conservative argument
is that guns are in the Constitution
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because the Founding Fathers thought
if the citizens have guns
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the government will do what they say
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or else the people will rise up
and fight the government.
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Which is a legitimately
great idea in the 1700s, but…
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problem is, there's still people now
hoarding weapons
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thinking that, at some point,
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they may need to take on
the American military,
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and they think they have a shot, right?
200
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,469
And look, maybe they're right,
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00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,472
which is why I'm proposing
we test their theory,
202
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,392
and once a year
have a head-to-head showdown.
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00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:13,274
Say 100 members of the NRA
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00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:15,609
versus, I don't know,
two members of the military.
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00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,572
Broadcast it on Fox, Christmas Day.
206
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:25,369
"Merry Christmas and welcome to
the 2022 NRA-Military Showdown."
207
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,956
"Let's go down to the field of battle,
meet one of our NRA combatants."
208
00:12:29,039 --> 00:12:31,417
"What's your name? What kind of weapon?"
209
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:32,835
"My name's Andy Baker,
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00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:35,755
and I got an AR-15,
wearing Kevlar head-to-toe."
211
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:37,923
"How confident are you
on a scale of 1 to 10?"
212
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,633
"Fuckin' a million."
213
00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:47,266
"We're going to check in
with the military."
214
00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:49,977
They cut to one guy by himself,
in a bunker, and he's like,
215
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,313
"My name is Staff Sgt. Jeremiah Walker."
216
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:54,315
"What kind of weapon
are you working with?"
217
00:12:54,398 --> 00:12:58,068
"I don't know if this is fair,
but I'm working with a drone."
218
00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:07,411
"It's equipped with eight
Hellfire missiles
219
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,538
and a high-power camera."
220
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:13,667
"As you can see on this monitor,
the NRA fellas are in one big cluster."
221
00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:19,131
"So, I'm going to…"
222
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,883
"We started? All right."
223
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:26,263
"Yeah, so I'm going to hit
this button right here."
224
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:30,643
"Yeah, now they're all dead."
225
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:35,272
"That'll do it for this year's
NRA-Military Showdown."
226
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:41,237
"Brought to you by
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00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,363
Whole Foods."
228
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,410
You know the NRA guys would be like,
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00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,955
"We can take 'em next year.
Just got to split up."
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00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:58,379
That's the conservative argument,
and the liberal argument is that,
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00:13:58,462 --> 00:14:02,383
uh, the gun stats in America
are just horrifying, right?
232
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:08,055
And they are on their face, right?
40,000 gun deaths a year. Which is awful.
233
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:11,851
But, you know what they never tell you?
You know how many of those are suicides?
234
00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:15,938
Two-thirds are suicides.
No one ever knows that.
235
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:18,774
So whenever there's
a mass shooting on television,
236
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,986
which are legitimately tragic,
liberals always run on TV and say,
237
00:14:22,069 --> 00:14:25,447
"We don't need mental health care.
We need common-sense gun control." No.
238
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,199
How about both? Right?
239
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:29,368
How about one question
at the point of sale?
240
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,537
Find out who's depressed, who isn't,
241
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:34,081
and two-thirds of gun deaths right there.
242
00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:37,209
Guy comes in and they go,
"Before we sell you this weapon,
243
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,628
can we just look
at your browser history real quick?"
244
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,800
He goes, "Sir, you've been
listening to Lana Del Rey."
245
00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:51,015
"And staring at pictures of your ex.
We're not going to give you a gun today,
246
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:53,225
but we are going to give you
a bag of mushrooms
247
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:55,895
and a copy of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective."
248
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,902
"You're gonna be back on your feet
249
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:05,237
and talking with your butt cheeks
in no time."
250
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:11,160
So now we're down to about
13,000 gun deaths a year,
251
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:12,620
which is atrocious.
252
00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:13,829
But, by the way,
253
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:17,249
you know how many people the flu
kills in the average year? 50,000.
254
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,251
If you're worried
you'll be murdered by a gun,
255
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,545
think about how scared you are
of dying from the flu…
256
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:22,713
You're not.
257
00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:25,424
…divide it by three,
and I'll meet you there.
258
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:30,179
By the way, do you see how I think myself
into isolated, asshole-y positions?
259
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:33,223
About everything
for as long as I can remember.
260
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:36,393
Even I hear myself sometimes
and I'm like, "Just shut the fuck up."
261
00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:39,313
I got to be the only person
who was ever asked,
262
00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:41,982
"Would you rather be right or happy?"
And I was like…
263
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:42,983
"Ugh…"
264
00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:49,531
Something's wrong with me.
265
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,743
And, by the way, I work
against all my instincts with this.
266
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:56,163
You know, I give to every
liberal group you can think of.
267
00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:57,289
I give to so many…
268
00:15:57,373 --> 00:16:01,460
I give to an anti-capitalist group.
How fucking dumb is that?
269
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:04,088
And they have the balls
to hit me up for donations.
270
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:07,508
"Can we get another 100 bucks
for our anti-capitalism group?"
271
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:10,928
I'm like, "But you know how
I'm getting this money, don't you?"
272
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:18,686
Oh yeah.
273
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:23,983
Maybe you're thinking like,
"Neal, why don't you smoke some weed?"
274
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:27,111
"Chill the fuck out."
That's not up there 'cause I love weed.
275
00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:32,032
That's up there 'cause I don't think
recreational drugs work on me right.
276
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:33,367
Like MDMA.
277
00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:35,536
Molly, ecstasy, depending how old you are.
278
00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:37,788
-Uh…
279
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:42,084
I-- I've done it seven or eight times.
Never worked on me once.
280
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:45,546
There's people whose brains don't respond
to MDMA. Guess I have one of those brains.
281
00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:48,465
My friends do not
have one of those brains.
282
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:49,550
That was pretty awkward.
283
00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:52,720
They're all rubbing each other's nipples,
and I'm just like…
284
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:04,148
Yeah, and I don't think
weed works on me either.
285
00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:07,401
Unless, is weed supposed to make
you violently paranoid for five minutes,
286
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:09,445
then you got to go to sleep? Is that weed?
287
00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:12,531
'Cause in that case, bull's-eye.
288
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:16,952
I feel bad too because
we're living in the golden age of weed.
289
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:21,165
Weed is legal in so many places.
It's legal out here. Uh…
290
00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:23,792
They sponsor comedy shows,
291
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:26,837
so I get bags and vapes and pipes.
292
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,590
I have so much weed
at my house that I cannot use,
293
00:17:29,673 --> 00:17:32,634
I've become like an old lady
with a lemon tree in her backyard.
294
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,720
I'm like, "Take some weed."
295
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,309
So weed's legal.
296
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:44,605
Shrooms just got legalized
in Denver, Oakland, all of Oregon.
297
00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:46,440
-Yeah. Yeah.
298
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:49,860
So there's going to be shroom stores.
299
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:52,780
You ready? You'll go to a shroom store
and go, "You open?"
300
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,698
"I don't know, are you open?"
301
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,663
I'm not mad at these drugs.
302
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:05,876
MDMA, psilocybin, weed
all passed the FDA hurdles for safety.
303
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:10,297
Uh, but you know what wouldn't pass
the FDA hurdles for safety?
304
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:13,217
Alcohol. For safety?
305
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:17,888
Like, if they tested out whiskey in a lab.
306
00:18:17,971 --> 00:18:20,099
100 men, 100 women,
scientists dispensing it,
307
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,810
marking down the results,
they go to their boss.
308
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,937
"Sir, we did the whiskey test."
309
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:28,774
"Uh, first one or two drinks,
people seemed warm and happy."
310
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:31,985
"Then around the third drink,
a lot of the men became belligerent."
311
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,279
"The women were upset,
312
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:36,615
but they said
they didn't want to talk about it."
313
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:41,120
"And then a lot of people
vomited and passed out,
314
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:43,664
and everyone who drove home
crashed their car."
315
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,417
"That sounds awful."
"I know, here's the crazy part."
316
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:50,003
"They all want to
come back again on Saturday."
317
00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:53,423
"They're wondering if we can hire a DJ."
318
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:57,511
"And two Israeli guys want to promote it.
Does that…?"
319
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,473
So clearly I'm not a big drinker.
320
00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:05,686
The fucked-up thing about alcohol
is it gets so much good PR.
321
00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:07,896
Ever since I was a kid, I've always heard,
322
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,898
"When you drink,
your real self comes out."
323
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,401
Which is true to a point.
Maybe one or two drinks.
324
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:14,736
But I've never looked
at one of my sloshed friends
325
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,363
and been, "There's the real Tony."
326
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:19,992
And they're, "Ugh!"
327
00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:21,827
"Fuck you guys!"
328
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:24,413
"That is his God-given essence,
right there."
329
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:31,670
The real Tony has to piss on the street.
330
00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:40,137
Yeah, not a big drinker. Not a big smoker.
331
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:41,430
People don't like it.
332
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:44,683
It is good for me.
Not drinking and smoking.
333
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:47,978
I know it's good for me
because when I tell people at parties,
334
00:19:48,061 --> 00:19:50,606
they say, "Good for you,"
right before they walk away.
335
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,277
But alcohol is hard.
336
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:59,948
It's a tough issue for me 'cause I grew up
with an alcoholic dad, right?
337
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:04,828
Uh… and, you know, people love alcohol,
and women are people.
338
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:05,913
So…
339
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:09,958
Admit it.
340
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,168
Um…
341
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:13,921
And so dating is tough
342
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:16,798
because I don't want to be a drink cop,
343
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:20,344
but at the same time,
it can be a little triggering.
344
00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:24,181
Sometimes it's fine.
Other times it's like, "Mmm, trauma."
345
00:20:24,264 --> 00:20:27,434
-Um…
346
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:30,896
Yeah, but I don't know
what I can ask for within this, right?
347
00:20:30,979 --> 00:20:33,315
Like, I just don't know what's…
348
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:36,235
I go, "Who am I to tell her not to drink?"
349
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:38,779
"As someone who's
trying to protect themselves?"
350
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:39,821
"From what?"
351
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:43,408
"I don't know, a negative emotional
experience? The smell of alcohol?"
352
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:46,828
"Are you not fucking over that?
How are you not fucking over that?"
353
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:51,667
So I've just got this negative tape
running in my head
354
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:54,544
about that and pretty much
most things in my life.
355
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:58,548
I have a very…
I got a bad inner monologue.
356
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,968
I wrote it down one time,
and as soon as I saw it,
357
00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:02,719
I was like, I got to erase this.
358
00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:06,932
Because if any of my friends know
that someone's talking to me like this,
359
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:08,308
they're going to be pissed.
360
00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:11,645
But meanwhile,
it was an inside job, you know?
361
00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:17,484
You ever look back on your life
and think the way you are is inevitable?
362
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:22,572
If you don't know much about me,
I'm the youngest of ten kids,
363
00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:24,950
which is… too many.
364
00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:26,034
Right?
365
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:29,579
Both my parents were born
during the Great Depression,
366
00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:31,915
and they were nice enough
to bring it with them.
367
00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:41,383
Yeah, so both my parents
brought that energy to their union,
368
00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:45,762
and it was just a lot of chaos and alcohol
369
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:47,514
and law and order.
370
00:21:47,597 --> 00:21:51,101
Like, a lot of violence. My earliest…
371
00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:55,772
One of my earliest memories of life
is watching my teenage brother
372
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:57,733
fistfight my dad on the front lawn.
373
00:21:57,816 --> 00:22:00,402
It's like, "Okay, so this is life."
374
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:01,737
Um…
375
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:04,114
Yeah, just so many rules.
Just constant rules.
376
00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:08,410
There were so many rules that eventually
my mother wrote the important ones down
377
00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:13,081
and stuck them on the wall of the kitchen,
like you'd see at a steel factory.
378
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:15,459
My friend actually put them on here.
379
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:17,711
I'll tell you about some of them.
380
00:22:19,963 --> 00:22:22,632
Bunch of TV rules,
which I guess makes sense.
381
00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:26,219
A lot of laundry rules.
My mother was laundry-room crazy.
382
00:22:26,303 --> 00:22:29,639
Um, if you left your clothes
in the laundry room for too long,
383
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:31,808
my mother would confiscate your clothes.
384
00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:34,895
Disappeared, Khmer Rouge-style.
385
00:22:36,063 --> 00:22:37,522
Never to be seen again.
386
00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:39,441
Although one year for Christmas,
387
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:42,694
my sister Anne
did get a keychain, a candle,
388
00:22:42,778 --> 00:22:45,030
and a box of her old clothes back, so…
389
00:22:45,822 --> 00:22:47,908
Merry Christmas, Anne. Why are you crying?
390
00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:50,869
A lot of sandwich rules.
391
00:22:50,952 --> 00:22:53,330
You guys probably
all had sandwich rules, right?
392
00:22:57,334 --> 00:23:00,337
We had to make all of…
There were too many of us.
393
00:23:00,420 --> 00:23:03,298
We couldn't all make sandwiches
every morning before school,
394
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:06,343
so we'd have to make them
in bulk on the weekend
395
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:08,261
and then stick them in the freezer.
396
00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:11,556
And then on the way to school,
we grabbed one of our sandwiches.
397
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:14,601
You're thinking that must not have
made for very fresh sandwiches,
398
00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:17,229
but you're forgetting
a more important piece of information.
399
00:23:17,312 --> 00:23:20,607
Sandwiches don't always thaw
between 8:00 a.m. and lunchtime.
400
00:23:22,025 --> 00:23:25,695
In those cases, we'd eat around the edges
like rats on a pirate ship.
401
00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:32,828
So, pretty much the Gilmore Girls
is what I'm saying.
402
00:23:34,538 --> 00:23:36,998
Yeah, so I grew up Catholic. Anybody else?
403
00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,378
Yeah, I did all the Catholic milestones.
404
00:23:41,461 --> 00:23:43,463
Baptism, First Holy Communion,
405
00:23:43,547 --> 00:23:45,090
Confirmation, atheism.
406
00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:46,007
Right?
407
00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:55,350
I shouldn't even say I'm an atheist.
408
00:23:55,851 --> 00:23:58,645
Let's say I'm agnostic
about my atheism, right?
409
00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:02,149
Atheists are such
smug hypocrites, by the way.
410
00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:06,027
Atheists will be like,
"You pray to a god? That's so silly."
411
00:24:06,111 --> 00:24:08,238
"Can I show you
my vision board real quick?"
412
00:24:13,326 --> 00:24:16,246
I know a lot of white atheists.
I don't know many Black atheists.
413
00:24:16,329 --> 00:24:17,831
Not none, just not many.
414
00:24:17,914 --> 00:24:20,667
I got a theory about why
there's not many Black atheists.
415
00:24:20,750 --> 00:24:21,751
Here goes.
416
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:27,799
Atheism is really like
the height of white privilege.
417
00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:32,137
It really is. Religion says,
"Can we interest you in an afterlife?"
418
00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:34,556
And white people
are like, "No, thank you."
419
00:24:40,437 --> 00:24:42,272
"How much better could it be?"
420
00:24:45,525 --> 00:24:48,278
"I'll just take my supplements
and see what happens."
421
00:24:51,239 --> 00:24:53,658
White privilege has had
a big couple years, huh?
422
00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:55,494
Yeah.
423
00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:58,079
The Cauckies, the Caucasians.
424
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:02,876
Cauckies were blindsided in 2020.
425
00:25:02,959 --> 00:25:05,462
They were just caught unawares, right?
426
00:25:05,545 --> 00:25:07,339
I was talking to a white lady.
427
00:25:07,422 --> 00:25:11,426
She says, "I had no idea things were so
bad between Black people and the police."
428
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:15,013
I was like, "There's no way you could've,
unless you listen to any song
429
00:25:15,096 --> 00:25:16,848
by a Black person, ever."
430
00:25:18,141 --> 00:25:21,603
Like, what do you think
"Fuck tha Police" was about, lady?
431
00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:26,525
"I didn't think it was all police.
I thought it was one precinct."
432
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,070
How about Bob Marley's
"I Shot the Sheriff"?
433
00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:33,532
"I know, but he didn't
shoot the deputy, so…"
434
00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:40,872
I like the white privilege
that's hiding in plain sight.
435
00:25:40,956 --> 00:25:43,625
You know what's
a white privilege thing that's hiding?
436
00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:46,503
A lot of American city names
are white privilege.
437
00:25:46,586 --> 00:25:49,422
Like Chicago, Milwaukee,
those are Native American words.
438
00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:50,674
West Coast is wild.
439
00:25:50,757 --> 00:25:53,218
San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego.
440
00:25:53,301 --> 00:25:56,513
Spanish names. Ever think about
why they're Spanish? Well…
441
00:25:58,431 --> 00:26:00,684
'Cause we jacked
the motherfuckers from Mexico,
442
00:26:00,767 --> 00:26:03,103
didn't even bother changing the names.
443
00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:07,023
That is some ice-cold
white privilege shit.
444
00:26:07,107 --> 00:26:10,193
That'd be like if your boy Pete
had a girlfriend for years.
445
00:26:10,277 --> 00:26:11,194
"Pete's girl."
446
00:26:11,278 --> 00:26:13,655
Then you steal her,
take her to a party, you're like,
447
00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:15,699
"You know my girl Pete's girl, don't you?"
448
00:26:21,162 --> 00:26:23,540
"You thirsty, baby?
Get Pete's girl a drink, would you?"
449
00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:28,587
"I got you a necklace with
your initials on it. PG. Pete's girl."
450
00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:34,926
You know what's white privilege?
Joking about race. That's white privilege.
451
00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:38,847
'Cause as a white person,
it just bounces right off. Right?
452
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:41,057
I know the funniest,
meanest Black dudes in the world.
453
00:26:41,141 --> 00:26:43,810
They'll be like,
"White people can't dance. No rhythm."
454
00:26:43,893 --> 00:26:46,771
I'll be like, "Who needs rhythm
when you own the record label?"
455
00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:06,708
Am I TikToking? Be honest. Is this TikTok?
456
00:27:11,338 --> 00:27:13,465
A lot of Cauckies ask me, they go, "Neal…"
457
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:18,178
"Neal, I'm a good Cauckie. What can I do?"
458
00:27:19,554 --> 00:27:24,100
"How can I combat white privilege?"
Acknowledge it as it's happening to you.
459
00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:25,727
This happened to me recently.
460
00:27:25,810 --> 00:27:28,772
I got pulled over doing 73 in a 35.
461
00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:29,856
So it was tight.
462
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:34,778
And white cop.
I get my license and registration.
463
00:27:34,861 --> 00:27:38,490
He's back running my plates,
and I'm sitting there going,
464
00:27:38,573 --> 00:27:40,784
"I deserve whatever. A fine or a ticket."
465
00:27:40,867 --> 00:27:44,079
"Whatever I'm going to get,
I totally deserve." He comes back.
466
00:27:44,162 --> 00:27:46,498
He's like,
"I'll let you off with a warning."
467
00:27:46,581 --> 00:27:48,041
I'm like, no, that's fucked up.
468
00:27:48,124 --> 00:27:51,503
'Cause I know my Black or brown friends
would at least be getting a ticket.
469
00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:54,506
I gotta say something. I was like,
"Don't be stupid. He's a cop."
470
00:27:54,589 --> 00:27:56,633
I was like, "No, now's the time."
And I said,
471
00:27:56,716 --> 00:27:58,635
"Thanks, officer.
It's been a white privilege."
472
00:28:04,891 --> 00:28:07,769
He said, "The privilege is all white."
What the fuck?
473
00:28:18,029 --> 00:28:20,699
Race is another one of these issues
that's a weird one for me,
474
00:28:20,782 --> 00:28:23,868
'cause it's had
an oddly big effect on my life.
475
00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:27,747
Not anywhere near a person of color,
but 50 times the average Cauckie.
476
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:29,249
-Uh…
477
00:28:29,332 --> 00:28:34,170
And I'm good at writing racial jokes,
and I'm like, is it my place to tell them?
478
00:28:34,254 --> 00:28:36,798
Like, if they fall into the wrong hands…
479
00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:39,426
Like, that "who needs rhythm
when you own the record label" joke,
480
00:28:39,509 --> 00:28:41,177
that would crush at a Klan rally.
481
00:28:41,261 --> 00:28:42,220
Crush.
482
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:46,558
You can hear it.
483
00:28:46,641 --> 00:28:49,602
"So I said, 'Who needs rhythm
when you own the record label?'"
484
00:28:49,686 --> 00:28:51,396
"Good night. My name's Jedediah."
485
00:28:53,815 --> 00:28:56,609
So it's like,
should I not tell the jokes in public?
486
00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:59,863
Like, I know what
my intentions are, but, like,
487
00:28:59,946 --> 00:29:04,159
who gives a shit what my intentions are
if they're… misinterpreted?
488
00:29:06,536 --> 00:29:08,705
Pretty accessible comedy show, huh, folks?
489
00:29:09,873 --> 00:29:12,751
I'm in a tiny theater,
moralizing about race.
490
00:29:12,834 --> 00:29:14,586
Meanwhile, Kevin Hart's in an arena,
491
00:29:14,669 --> 00:29:17,756
"I tell you about the time I went
to Egypt and a camel bit me in the dick?"
492
00:29:24,929 --> 00:29:26,139
Something…
493
00:29:26,848 --> 00:29:28,391
Something's wrong with me.
494
00:29:32,353 --> 00:29:33,438
Oh, you know what?
495
00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:35,398
I think this is a woman's shoe.
496
00:29:36,816 --> 00:29:38,151
You might be thinking like,
497
00:29:38,234 --> 00:29:43,323
"Neal, if you got married and had kids
some of your… alienation might dissipate."
498
00:29:44,491 --> 00:29:45,992
Maybe. I don't know.
499
00:29:47,076 --> 00:29:50,538
Never been married.
Don't have kids. 48 years old.
500
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:52,040
People don't like it.
501
00:29:54,542 --> 00:29:56,795
It's worse for women
if you're over a certain age.
502
00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:59,464
Not married, no kids, people pity you.
503
00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:00,632
But as a guy,
504
00:30:01,132 --> 00:30:02,634
people are suspicious.
505
00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:08,723
I would get more trust from women
if I'd been married and murdered my wife.
506
00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:14,479
They'd be like, "He's capable of love.
He gets too passionate."
507
00:30:16,898 --> 00:30:19,067
"Also, he's not
going to murder two people."
508
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:21,569
Cute.
509
00:30:22,946 --> 00:30:26,950
Yeah, it's not… I've--
I've been in long-term relationships.
510
00:30:27,033 --> 00:30:28,701
Been in love a few times.
511
00:30:28,785 --> 00:30:30,954
It just never got to marriage.
512
00:30:31,037 --> 00:30:32,330
It just never got there.
513
00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:37,877
These are big risks,
these relationships, 'cause… 'cause…
514
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:42,257
You're basically just doing
a daily trust fall with somebody, right?
515
00:30:42,340 --> 00:30:45,385
Every day you'd be like,
"Okay. Your turn. Okay, here we go."
516
00:30:46,135 --> 00:30:47,262
Aah!
517
00:30:48,012 --> 00:30:50,098
"Oh my God, this is so fun. Do me."
518
00:30:51,933 --> 00:30:53,685
"Okay, here we go. I got you."
519
00:30:53,768 --> 00:30:55,478
Aah!
520
00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:58,273
"Oh my God, I feel so connected to you.
We're so lucky."
521
00:30:59,023 --> 00:31:00,692
"Do me again." Aah!
522
00:31:05,738 --> 00:31:08,783
I've hurt people as the catcher,
and I've been hurt as the faller.
523
00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:11,536
They both suck for different reasons.
524
00:31:11,619 --> 00:31:13,705
The thing with these relationships is,
525
00:31:13,788 --> 00:31:17,959
you just have to believe in each other
and assure one another, like,
526
00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:19,335
"We both feel the same way."
527
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:23,131
"I feel the same about you as you do me.
We're connected, we're connected."
528
00:31:23,214 --> 00:31:25,466
And then a certain point,
they look at you and go,
529
00:31:25,550 --> 00:31:27,343
"Oh, I've been pretending."
530
00:31:28,511 --> 00:31:30,763
"We're-- we're-- we're not connected."
531
00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:34,100
And then you have to
parse the relationship
532
00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:37,020
to try to figure out
when they started pretending.
533
00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:39,188
And then eventually accept the fact that
534
00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:43,401
some of the most cherished memories
of your life may have been a grift.
535
00:31:46,821 --> 00:31:48,031
Shit's breathtaking.
536
00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:50,700
I judge myself a lot for this.
537
00:31:50,783 --> 00:31:53,620
This is where I'm like,
"Something really is wrong with you."
538
00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:57,081
You know, other comedians judge me for it.
I was talking to a comedian friend.
539
00:31:57,165 --> 00:32:00,084
He's like, "You'd be more popular
if you were married with kids."
540
00:32:00,168 --> 00:32:01,669
I said, "Why?" And he's like,
541
00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:03,463
"The audience trusts you more
542
00:32:03,546 --> 00:32:05,965
if you're married with kids
'cause you're moral."
543
00:32:06,049 --> 00:32:08,217
"You put other people ahead of you."
544
00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:10,803
Uh, which I've legally never done.
545
00:32:13,139 --> 00:32:14,349
I have a dog.
546
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:17,101
You're like, "Which one?
The one you don't love?" Fuck you guys.
547
00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:22,023
I'm not telling you shit anymore.
548
00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:26,444
But I get how, as an audience member,
you trust comedians more
549
00:32:26,527 --> 00:32:29,572
if they're married with kids.
I do have one follow-up question.
550
00:32:29,656 --> 00:32:32,158
How is Bill Cosby's marriage? Any word?
551
00:32:35,703 --> 00:32:37,747
Is Louis C.K. still happily married?
552
00:32:37,830 --> 00:32:40,375
He's fucking hilarious.
He must be married.
553
00:32:41,334 --> 00:32:44,545
I had one more, and I need
you guys to give it to me straight.
554
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:46,297
John Mulaney?
555
00:32:51,219 --> 00:32:54,263
Don't fucking "oh" me.
I went to the goddamn wedding.
556
00:32:56,224 --> 00:32:57,266
Yeah.
557
00:32:58,142 --> 00:33:01,354
I don't know what you spent.
I had to fly across country, rent a car.
558
00:33:01,437 --> 00:33:03,189
They're like, "Wanna upgrade for $30?"
559
00:33:03,272 --> 00:33:06,025
I'm like, "It's Mulaney's wedding.
Let's blow it out."
560
00:33:06,109 --> 00:33:09,362
Cut to me in a PT Cruiser
going, "Was this an upgrade?"
561
00:33:14,617 --> 00:33:17,912
Well, at least Woody Allen's
marriage is still flourishing, huh?
562
00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:23,793
Did you see that documentary?
563
00:33:24,544 --> 00:33:26,087
Allen v. Farrow?
564
00:33:26,170 --> 00:33:28,464
Uh, they lay out the case
pretty conclusively
565
00:33:28,548 --> 00:33:32,010
that before he married
his stepdaughter Soon-Yi,
566
00:33:32,093 --> 00:33:34,053
he molested his other stepdaughter.
567
00:33:34,804 --> 00:33:37,890
And I got to say, it's probably
my least favorite Woody Allen movie.
568
00:33:42,812 --> 00:33:46,524
My failure in relationships
is not for lack of trying, I swear to God.
569
00:33:46,607 --> 00:33:50,236
Like, I've done different approaches,
570
00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:52,780
love language, attachment style.
571
00:33:52,864 --> 00:33:56,075
Age, race, weight, job.
572
00:33:56,159 --> 00:33:57,952
I dated a model. Thank you.
573
00:34:03,124 --> 00:34:05,752
Guys, dating a model
is like owning a dune buggy.
574
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:12,800
Dating a model's like owning a dune buggy
'cause at the beach, it's great.
575
00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,803
But everywhere else, you're like,
"I shouldn't have brought you here."
576
00:34:28,149 --> 00:34:30,443
By the way, this is all
going to be heterosexual.
577
00:34:30,526 --> 00:34:34,072
Like, I don't have any gay insights.
Never been gay.
578
00:34:34,155 --> 00:34:35,573
I check once a year.
579
00:34:37,658 --> 00:34:39,452
I do. If you're honest, check once a year.
580
00:34:39,535 --> 00:34:42,914
I go on Pornhub, I click the "gay" button,
and I go, "Anything?"
581
00:34:42,997 --> 00:34:44,373
"All right, back to women."
582
00:34:46,751 --> 00:34:50,546
While I haven't been gay,
I have experienced a ton of homophobia
583
00:34:50,630 --> 00:34:52,048
'cause I have a bidet.
584
00:34:56,302 --> 00:34:59,013
My straight guy friends will be like,
"Can't do it, bro."
585
00:34:59,639 --> 00:35:02,809
"Can't have water shooting up my ass."
Are you worried about…
586
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:07,105
Look, if the only thing keeping you
from being gay is water hitting your ass…
587
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:10,817
…you are gay.
588
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:18,533
Just be gay.
589
00:35:18,616 --> 00:35:21,410
Come on over, take a ride on the pony,
start your new life.
590
00:35:24,497 --> 00:35:27,625
That's how rudimentary guys'
understanding of our sexuality is.
591
00:35:27,708 --> 00:35:30,086
We're like,
"I just got to protect the flag."
592
00:35:32,338 --> 00:35:34,132
"And everything's the same."
593
00:35:34,215 --> 00:35:38,302
Fellas, no, you don't. I'm 48.
The flag's been violated or whatever.
594
00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:40,304
I've had a couple fingers in the butt.
595
00:35:41,430 --> 00:35:42,932
From women. Nothing happened.
596
00:35:43,641 --> 00:35:46,352
Nothing changed.
I wasn't like, "My identity!"
597
00:35:49,730 --> 00:35:51,816
"Everything I thought I was!"
598
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:56,946
"Turn off Rogan, turn on Drag Race."
599
00:36:03,578 --> 00:36:06,205
You know what the first thing
that always left in my relationships?
600
00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:10,334
Uh, appreciation for one another. Right?
It happens in most relationships.
601
00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:13,212
We stop appreciating each other.
Women start thinking,
602
00:36:13,296 --> 00:36:15,506
"Men are so thoughtless and stupid."
603
00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:18,634
And men think, "Women are so fussy
and high-maintenance."
604
00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:19,802
And we're both right.
605
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,514
Women, you are fussy and high-maintenance.
You know what else?
606
00:36:23,598 --> 00:36:25,433
They're sophisticated and elegant,
607
00:36:25,516 --> 00:36:28,269
and can make emotional
connections including, get this,
608
00:36:28,352 --> 00:36:29,854
direct eye contact.
609
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:32,815
Women's spirit is just elevating.
610
00:36:32,899 --> 00:36:36,235
They can transform a room
with their presence and energy.
611
00:36:36,319 --> 00:36:38,154
I'm thankful there's women here tonight.
612
00:36:38,237 --> 00:36:40,198
If there were no women
here tonight, fellas,
613
00:36:40,281 --> 00:36:43,910
with just all dudes
in a dark room staring at me…
614
00:36:45,703 --> 00:36:47,246
…you know what the energy would be?
615
00:36:47,330 --> 00:36:49,040
Proud Boys, and you know it.
616
00:36:51,918 --> 00:36:54,503
Just a bunch of guys
in cut-off leather gloves
617
00:36:54,587 --> 00:36:58,382
and wearing their horrible sunglasses
like this for some reason.
618
00:37:08,142 --> 00:37:09,644
And women,
619
00:37:09,727 --> 00:37:12,355
you think men
are thoughtless and stupid, and we are.
620
00:37:13,356 --> 00:37:15,149
But you know what else we are?
621
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:16,651
Fucking hilarious.
622
00:37:20,529 --> 00:37:22,323
We are. We're very funny.
623
00:37:23,866 --> 00:37:27,078
Women are beautifully constructive,
and men are hilariously destructive.
624
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:28,204
Right?
625
00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:32,041
If you ever go to an all-women's event,
it's just a bunch of women
626
00:37:32,124 --> 00:37:34,293
making eye contact
and drinking white wine.
627
00:37:36,128 --> 00:37:38,839
Eventually you're like,
"I gotta get the fuck out of here." Right?
628
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:41,842
But usually guys show up
to kind of ground the energy,
629
00:37:41,926 --> 00:37:45,137
and we're there, we're trying to…
We're always trying to impress.
630
00:37:45,221 --> 00:37:47,640
We're buying you shit,
we're break dancing…
631
00:37:48,891 --> 00:37:51,644
…doing magic tricks, backflips.
632
00:37:52,311 --> 00:37:54,105
We're telling stories with sound effects.
633
00:37:54,188 --> 00:37:57,316
"Then I punched him in the stomach." Pssh!
Then he took out a machine gun." Trrrr!
634
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,778
I've never heard a woman
do a sound effect in my entire life.
635
00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:13,082
Noises… Like birds' chirps, meows,
shit you could do.
636
00:38:14,917 --> 00:38:16,669
We're always trying to make you laugh.
637
00:38:16,752 --> 00:38:19,422
We got funny mean
nicknames for our friends.
638
00:38:19,505 --> 00:38:22,258
"This is Mike, aka Boner Mike."
639
00:38:23,592 --> 00:38:25,803
"Aka Illiterate Mike."
640
00:38:26,762 --> 00:38:30,933
I never heard a woman be like,
"This is Sarah, aka Barren Sarah."
641
00:38:37,023 --> 00:38:39,942
"She's so dry down there,
we call her Sahara."
642
00:38:51,704 --> 00:38:56,542
I just don't have any like,
real innate skill for being a boyfriend.
643
00:38:56,625 --> 00:39:00,129
Like, I'm thankful that
there's not an entrance exam
644
00:39:00,212 --> 00:39:03,007
to become a boyfriend
'cause I would fail that shit miserably.
645
00:39:03,090 --> 00:39:05,593
The woman would
come with the results. "All right."
646
00:39:05,676 --> 00:39:08,179
"We're not going to pass you.
I think you knew that."
647
00:39:09,930 --> 00:39:12,808
"Couple areas in which you didn't do well,
one of them was listening."
648
00:39:12,892 --> 00:39:15,478
"Um, question was,
'If you're watching basketball on TV
649
00:39:15,561 --> 00:39:18,189
and your girlfriend needed
to speak to you, how would you handle it?'
650
00:39:18,272 --> 00:39:19,857
We were looking for, 'Turn the TV off,
651
00:39:19,940 --> 00:39:21,984
and ask what was going on,'
but you wrote down,
652
00:39:22,068 --> 00:39:23,986
'I'd turn the TV up.'
653
00:39:25,613 --> 00:39:28,908
'And say, "I can't talk right now, babe.
It's the first quarter,
654
00:39:28,991 --> 00:39:31,410
which is one of
the most important quarters."'
655
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:37,583
"You also did poorly
in conflict resolution."
656
00:39:37,666 --> 00:39:40,669
"The question was, 'If she had
an issue with something you did,
657
00:39:40,753 --> 00:39:42,880
how would you deal with it?'
And you wrote down,
658
00:39:42,963 --> 00:39:45,674
'I'd think of a time
she did something similar,
659
00:39:46,926 --> 00:39:49,553
and say, "See, bitch? Now we're even."'
660
00:39:56,352 --> 00:39:58,771
Back to the apps for you, my friend.
661
00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:01,023
Yeah, something's wrong with me, like…
662
00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:05,152
The other thing I'm not dying
to get into with relationships
663
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:06,612
is the power dynamic.
664
00:40:06,695 --> 00:40:11,534
'Cause I feel like men had all the power
for 400,000 years, give or take.
665
00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:15,079
And about six years ago,
women were like, "May we?"
666
00:40:17,289 --> 00:40:20,709
I shouldn't say men have no power.
I should be more specific.
667
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:23,462
Liberal white men
have no power in relationships.
668
00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:27,341
At this period in history,
as a liberal white man,
669
00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:30,761
you now have to go to protests
against myself. Understand?
670
00:40:36,767 --> 00:40:37,685
I…
671
00:40:39,812 --> 00:40:42,440
When the George Floyd protests
broke out, I was like,
672
00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:44,650
"I'll get my sign
from the Women's March. Here."
673
00:40:44,733 --> 00:40:46,485
"I am the problem!"
674
00:40:51,407 --> 00:40:54,743
I went to the Women's March.
It was inspiring on the one hand,
675
00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:57,288
and I also saw
the funniest thing I've ever seen, right?
676
00:40:57,371 --> 00:41:00,249
So, inspiring, 400,000 women,
677
00:41:00,332 --> 00:41:04,920
their husbands, boyfriends, sons, dads,
all together, marching for a cause.
678
00:41:05,004 --> 00:41:06,130
That was incredible.
679
00:41:06,213 --> 00:41:08,841
And then I also saw
the funniest shit ever, uh…
680
00:41:08,924 --> 00:41:11,260
We all had signs that we made, right?
681
00:41:11,343 --> 00:41:14,263
And there was another guy there,
and he had a sign that said,
682
00:41:14,346 --> 00:41:17,850
"This is what a feminist looks like,"
with an arrow pointing at him.
683
00:41:17,933 --> 00:41:20,144
He and I are walking along,
we make eye contact,
684
00:41:20,227 --> 00:41:22,104
the guy looks up at his sign and goes…
685
00:41:32,072 --> 00:41:33,699
So we'll see what happens.
686
00:41:35,910 --> 00:41:38,162
-Oh, my God.
687
00:41:39,497 --> 00:41:42,833
Yeah, I've dated a lot of women
that were correctors.
688
00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:45,920
I had two different girlfriends
in my life say in front of me,
689
00:41:46,003 --> 00:41:47,296
"I trained him."
690
00:41:49,507 --> 00:41:51,383
"I taught him." Yeah.
691
00:41:51,467 --> 00:41:54,678
Ever hear a guy say that?
No, 'cause you don't know any pimps.
692
00:41:57,389 --> 00:41:58,891
Yeah.
693
00:41:58,974 --> 00:42:02,353
And you do teach us shit, women,
but it's never shit we want to know.
694
00:42:02,436 --> 00:42:03,604
Shit you want us to know.
695
00:42:03,687 --> 00:42:06,524
Never had a girlfriend be like,
"Let me show you how to choke a wolf."
696
00:42:12,029 --> 00:42:15,407
It's always girly shit
that you want us to know,
697
00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:17,368
and then we go,
"Oh yeah."
698
00:42:19,245 --> 00:42:23,499
That's the sound of a guy learning shit
he does not care about in the slightest.
699
00:42:23,582 --> 00:42:24,959
"Oh yeah."
700
00:42:27,836 --> 00:42:29,296
"Duvet cover, yeah."
701
00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:36,428
"Yeah, a blanket
should have its own pouch."
702
00:42:42,268 --> 00:42:43,435
"Thank you, babe."
703
00:42:45,896 --> 00:42:50,568
Happens to all guys, all over the world.
Age, race, class. Doesn't matter.
704
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:53,487
We all know what happened
with Meghan Markle and Harry Potter.
705
00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:54,905
Right? Is that his name?
706
00:42:56,198 --> 00:42:57,157
We know what happened.
707
00:42:57,241 --> 00:42:59,451
She came home and was like,
"I know we're in England,
708
00:42:59,535 --> 00:43:01,036
you're a prince, but your family sucks,
709
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,247
so let's go to America
and you're a fucking nobody."
710
00:43:03,330 --> 00:43:04,373
And he was like…
711
00:43:04,456 --> 00:43:05,499
"Oh yeah."
712
00:43:11,088 --> 00:43:13,966
"Fuck a thousand years of tradition.
Thanks, babe."
713
00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:19,930
So much in relationships is luck.
714
00:43:20,014 --> 00:43:22,349
That's the thing
nobody talks about. It's luck.
715
00:43:22,433 --> 00:43:24,101
So this is the thing I looked up.
716
00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:26,186
So there's a one-in-eight chance
717
00:43:26,270 --> 00:43:28,439
that you will marry somebody
you're dating.
718
00:43:29,064 --> 00:43:31,317
There's a 50-50 chance
the marriage will work.
719
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:32,610
So, in essence,
720
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:36,614
there is a 6% chance that you'll be
in an everlasting loving relationship
721
00:43:36,697 --> 00:43:40,034
with someone you're dating,
even if they're great and you're great.
722
00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:42,202
6%. That's luck.
723
00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:45,205
And I know I need
to pause the show right now
724
00:43:45,289 --> 00:43:47,416
and let all the guys
that are here on dates
725
00:43:47,499 --> 00:43:50,461
look at your lady and let her know
that you guys are the exception.
726
00:43:50,544 --> 00:43:53,047
-Whoo!
727
00:43:54,256 --> 00:43:56,508
You're going all the way. I get it.
728
00:43:56,592 --> 00:43:59,094
But 6%. It's luck, right?
729
00:43:59,178 --> 00:44:01,555
Even if I'm wrong it's 9, but it's 6.
730
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,058
It's luck. We're all…
731
00:44:04,933 --> 00:44:07,645
We all judge each other
for our failures at relationships.
732
00:44:07,728 --> 00:44:09,688
We judge ourselves.
We should have empathy.
733
00:44:09,772 --> 00:44:13,776
We're all basically just fans
at an NBA game taking a half-court shot.
734
00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:17,029
When those fans miss the shot,
everyone goes, "Aww!"
735
00:44:17,112 --> 00:44:18,781
They don't go, "Fuck you!"
736
00:44:19,948 --> 00:44:22,326
"Think about why you missed that shot."
737
00:44:22,409 --> 00:44:25,454
"Start with your relationship with
your mother and go forward from there."
738
00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:32,044
And then, babies.
739
00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,255
I'm not anti-baby.
740
00:44:37,966 --> 00:44:39,218
I'm anti-fetus.
741
00:44:39,301 --> 00:44:40,928
Y'all know I'm anti-fetus.
742
00:44:44,056 --> 00:44:47,935
I fucking hate fetuses.
I fucking hate them.
743
00:44:48,018 --> 00:44:50,062
I wish a fetus would step to me.
744
00:44:53,148 --> 00:44:57,569
Yeah, so, I gotta-- I've just never
looked down and been like,
745
00:44:57,653 --> 00:44:59,154
"I should reproduce this."
746
00:44:59,947 --> 00:45:01,990
"Run it back. Let's go."
747
00:45:03,450 --> 00:45:05,828
You know what TV show
made me wary of having kids?
748
00:45:06,495 --> 00:45:08,914
You guys ever see
that show, the nightly news?
749
00:45:12,418 --> 00:45:14,211
Alright, climate change is a nightmare.
750
00:45:14,294 --> 00:45:16,422
We're already double
what Earth's population should be.
751
00:45:16,505 --> 00:45:19,383
I can't remember
this much anger or division in my life.
752
00:45:19,466 --> 00:45:22,177
Having a kid right now would be like
being at a house party,
753
00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:24,847
it's packed with people,
you can't move, roof's on fire,
754
00:45:24,930 --> 00:45:27,266
basement's flooding, cops are coming,
755
00:45:27,349 --> 00:45:29,977
you look at your friend and you're like,
"We should invite Brian."
756
00:45:35,607 --> 00:45:38,694
The problem is I gotta tell women
on first dates I won't have babies.
757
00:45:38,777 --> 00:45:40,320
I guess I don't have to.
758
00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:42,156
It just seems nicer, right?
759
00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:47,244
Because women have
weird timing with that shit.
760
00:45:47,327 --> 00:45:49,747
I was on a date with a girl
and she's like, "I am 40."
761
00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:52,332
"I need to start thinking about
who I'm going to have kids with."
762
00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:54,042
I was like, "Start thinking?"
763
00:45:56,795 --> 00:45:58,797
"Miss, we may be down to minutes."
764
00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:09,558
Yeah, I got to tell women on first dates
that I don't want to have kids.
765
00:46:09,641 --> 00:46:11,518
People don't like it.
766
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:15,147
Telling a woman on a first date
is like going to a job interview
767
00:46:15,230 --> 00:46:16,857
and being like, "Just so you know,
768
00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:18,776
I don't fuck with computers."
769
00:46:26,950 --> 00:46:28,452
"How do you want to do this?"
770
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,042
Maybe it's luck. Maybe it's timing.
771
00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:39,505
Or, you know, could be both.
Or maybe it's me.
772
00:46:39,588 --> 00:46:41,465
Maybe something's wrong with me.
773
00:46:41,548 --> 00:46:45,928
Maybe I'm too cranky, or wounded,
or misogynistic.
774
00:46:46,011 --> 00:46:48,138
Or something I don't even know I am.
775
00:46:48,222 --> 00:46:49,681
You know what I realized?
776
00:46:49,765 --> 00:46:50,849
It's not you.
777
00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:51,934
It's not me?
778
00:46:53,393 --> 00:46:56,063
Well, good. Let's end the show.
Good night, everybody.
779
00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:03,195
Women, do you see
the kind of belief I'm looking for?
780
00:47:03,278 --> 00:47:04,279
Just a little?
781
00:47:06,114 --> 00:47:10,035
Yeah, like, I had
the thought recently that
782
00:47:10,702 --> 00:47:14,206
I don't think I can guarantee
a woman's emotional safety.
783
00:47:15,249 --> 00:47:18,460
And I'm not sure she could guarantee mine.
784
00:47:18,544 --> 00:47:21,964
I wish that were not the case,
but that's just how I feel.
785
00:47:22,923 --> 00:47:25,759
And people go,
"Well, don't you get lonely?"
786
00:47:25,843 --> 00:47:26,718
Yeah.
787
00:47:26,802 --> 00:47:30,514
But also, I've never been lonelier
than in a relationship
788
00:47:30,597 --> 00:47:32,057
I didn't want to be in.
789
00:47:37,521 --> 00:47:39,022
And then with kids…
790
00:47:40,774 --> 00:47:43,652
You know, I say it's climate change…
791
00:47:43,735 --> 00:47:46,196
It's not. Secret, it's not.
792
00:47:49,658 --> 00:47:53,161
I say it's all that stuff,
but it's about the emotional connection
793
00:47:53,245 --> 00:47:57,207
'cause I don't want the kid
to come out, and I don't feel it.
794
00:47:57,291 --> 00:47:59,418
We all know what happened with Keith.
795
00:48:01,712 --> 00:48:04,381
And more importantly, my dad had ten kids,
796
00:48:04,464 --> 00:48:06,300
didn't love any of us, right?
797
00:48:06,383 --> 00:48:11,763
So I don't want to… I'm half him,
so I could repeat that all over again.
798
00:48:11,847 --> 00:48:14,016
And people are like,
"You'd be such a good dad."
799
00:48:14,099 --> 00:48:16,894
I'd be a good Marine too.
I don't want to be a Marine.
800
00:48:21,648 --> 00:48:25,027
Like, people go, "Well, try." It's not…
801
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:26,111
"Take the leap."
802
00:48:26,194 --> 00:48:28,530
It's not my risk, it's their risk.
803
00:48:28,614 --> 00:48:30,824
They bear all the risk, right?
804
00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:34,578
'Cause if you're born
with a parent who doesn't love you,
805
00:48:34,661 --> 00:48:37,539
you spend your whole life
thinking something's wrong with you.
806
00:48:40,626 --> 00:48:41,752
I…
807
00:48:41,835 --> 00:48:45,797
I also got to say, I really resent
the pressure we're all under to do it.
808
00:48:45,881 --> 00:48:47,633
I really resent it. Right?
809
00:48:47,716 --> 00:48:50,552
There's dozens of new gender
and sexual orientations.
810
00:48:50,636 --> 00:48:52,846
There's still only one
relationship orientation.
811
00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:54,598
Toward marriage.
812
00:48:54,681 --> 00:48:56,016
"What about polyamory?"
813
00:48:56,099 --> 00:48:58,435
There's no tax cuts
for polyamory. Stop it.
814
00:49:02,856 --> 00:49:05,275
But people are really impressed with like,
815
00:49:05,359 --> 00:49:07,486
"We got married and signed a license."
816
00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:09,821
"A marriage license? How'd you do it?"
817
00:49:13,283 --> 00:49:16,453
A legal yoke isn't that impressive to me.
818
00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:19,414
You know what I mean?
What's more meaningful?
819
00:49:19,498 --> 00:49:20,707
A bird in a cage?
820
00:49:20,791 --> 00:49:24,544
Or a bird that flies away every day
and comes back
821
00:49:24,628 --> 00:49:27,172
just 'cause they like
being birds with you?
822
00:49:27,923 --> 00:49:29,007
Isn't that better?
823
00:49:33,971 --> 00:49:35,430
People say stuff like, "Well…"
824
00:49:35,514 --> 00:49:38,517
Just the dumb shit.
"If you don't marry her,
825
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:41,311
you won't be able to visit her
in the hospital after hours."
826
00:49:47,192 --> 00:49:49,736
I will if I give security 40 bucks.
827
00:50:01,957 --> 00:50:03,291
There you go, bird.
828
00:50:06,169 --> 00:50:09,089
Also, you ever ask
married people how it is?
829
00:50:13,427 --> 00:50:15,345
The answers may shock you.
830
00:50:16,638 --> 00:50:18,056
By the way, it's not just men.
831
00:50:18,140 --> 00:50:19,933
Ask a woman how marriage is,
832
00:50:20,017 --> 00:50:23,228
women sound like a politician
ducking a hot-button issue.
833
00:50:24,229 --> 00:50:26,148
"Lisa, how are things with you and Mike?"
834
00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:27,899
And she's like, "Kids are great."
835
00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:35,073
And you ask guys how the marriage is,
836
00:50:35,157 --> 00:50:37,701
guys sound like
they're reading a hostage letter.
837
00:50:39,119 --> 00:50:41,621
"Mike, how are things
with you and Lisa?" And he's like,
838
00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:43,415
"Hello."
839
00:50:47,127 --> 00:50:48,628
"I am happy."
840
00:50:52,924 --> 00:50:54,718
"Do not worry about me."
841
00:50:57,304 --> 00:50:58,847
"Worry about yourself…
842
00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:02,392
…and your heathen lifestyle."
843
00:51:04,936 --> 00:51:06,855
"She has taught me so much…
844
00:51:08,523 --> 00:51:10,650
…and made me a better man."
845
00:51:11,777 --> 00:51:13,570
And she's in the corner like ISIS like,
846
00:51:13,653 --> 00:51:15,530
"Tell him about the duvet cover."
847
00:51:26,500 --> 00:51:27,501
"Oh yeah."
848
00:51:31,254 --> 00:51:32,547
This is fun.
849
00:51:33,173 --> 00:51:35,175
It's just fun to be out, right?
850
00:51:35,258 --> 00:51:39,262
Do you know what one of the upsides
of COVID might be, I hope,
851
00:51:39,346 --> 00:51:42,808
is uh, empathy
for mental health stuff, right?
852
00:51:42,891 --> 00:51:45,268
'Cause everybody was isolated.
853
00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:48,271
And human beings
don't do well with isolation.
854
00:51:48,355 --> 00:51:50,232
We've still got cave brains.
855
00:51:50,315 --> 00:51:52,150
So we think if we're isolated
856
00:51:52,859 --> 00:51:54,820
that the tribe is rejecting us,
857
00:51:54,903 --> 00:51:58,281
and then we start
picking away at ourselves
858
00:51:58,365 --> 00:52:01,076
and finding faults that aren't there and…
859
00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:04,246
Basically, our mental health declines.
860
00:52:04,329 --> 00:52:07,457
So I hope in the future that people
have empathy when someone says,
861
00:52:07,541 --> 00:52:11,461
"I'm depressed or anxious,"
they'll go, "Yeah, I remember that."
862
00:52:11,545 --> 00:52:14,673
Because for a lot of us,
we've felt isolated our whole lives.
863
00:52:14,756 --> 00:52:17,843
And the other thing I'll say,
one of the things
864
00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:23,056
I didn't mind about COVID was that
we could all just chill a bit with work.
865
00:52:23,140 --> 00:52:25,100
We could put the sword down a little bit.
866
00:52:25,183 --> 00:52:27,561
If you achieved something
during COVID, cool.
867
00:52:27,644 --> 00:52:28,979
If not, also cool.
868
00:52:29,062 --> 00:52:33,775
The only people who accomplished
anything during COVID to me were
869
00:52:33,859 --> 00:52:35,235
Bo Burnham…
870
00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:41,491
Amazon.com,
871
00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:45,787
and the 1998 Chicago Bulls. Somehow.
872
00:52:49,374 --> 00:52:51,126
They, like, won again, right?
873
00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:56,006
But it was nice to chill out,
but as soon as the world opened up,
874
00:52:56,089 --> 00:52:58,216
I was back comparing myself
to other comedians,
875
00:52:58,300 --> 00:53:01,469
and seeing who was doing whose podcast,
and who did what venue,
876
00:53:01,553 --> 00:53:03,138
and how many tickets they sold.
877
00:53:03,221 --> 00:53:05,140
And am I too old to be on TikTok?
878
00:53:05,223 --> 00:53:08,894
Can a person do lip-sync videos
and be on cholesterol medication?
879
00:53:11,688 --> 00:53:14,608
Yeah, like I said, comedy is so public,
880
00:53:14,691 --> 00:53:18,195
and it can be sort of…
you know, it's exposing.
881
00:53:18,987 --> 00:53:22,741
And, like I said, there's a lot of ways
in which I feel like I don't
882
00:53:22,824 --> 00:53:25,869
fit into the world,
and I'm not doing it especially good,
883
00:53:25,952 --> 00:53:28,205
but comedy's one of these things
where I feel like
884
00:53:28,288 --> 00:53:30,290
I know what I'm doing,
I'm part of something,
885
00:53:30,373 --> 00:53:32,626
but there's always a reminder
like, "You don't."
886
00:53:32,709 --> 00:53:35,670
Right before the start of COVID,
Netflix had a party.
887
00:53:36,379 --> 00:53:39,925
By the way, this story's so name-droppy,
I apologize in advance.
888
00:53:40,008 --> 00:53:42,510
This story's so name-droppy,
DiCaprio was there,
889
00:53:42,594 --> 00:53:44,012
I don't even mention it.
890
00:53:48,266 --> 00:53:50,268
So, uh…
891
00:53:50,352 --> 00:53:53,980
Netflix has a party,
and it's at the head of Netflix's house.
892
00:53:54,064 --> 00:53:55,523
A guy named Ted Sarandos.
893
00:53:55,607 --> 00:53:57,192
A great man.
894
00:54:05,367 --> 00:54:07,035
A great man.
895
00:54:12,165 --> 00:54:16,503
So it's at Ted Sarandos' house,
and I walk in,
896
00:54:16,586 --> 00:54:18,755
and it's the biggest
comedians in the world, right?
897
00:54:18,838 --> 00:54:20,590
I look over, it's Burr,
898
00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:23,802
Aziz, Mulaney, Ali Wong,
899
00:54:24,469 --> 00:54:27,973
Sarah Silverman, Wanda Sykes, Trevor Noah,
900
00:54:28,056 --> 00:54:29,057
Borat.
901
00:54:32,269 --> 00:54:35,438
And you're like, "Pretty good.
Pretty big, Neal. All right."
902
00:54:35,522 --> 00:54:36,982
Dave Chappelle,
903
00:54:37,065 --> 00:54:39,484
Chris Rock, Kevin Hart.
904
00:54:39,567 --> 00:54:41,403
And then I look over here,
905
00:54:41,486 --> 00:54:43,321
Ellen DeGeneres, Eddie Murphy.
906
00:54:43,989 --> 00:54:48,118
I was like, "God damn. I've never seen
all these people together, ever." Right?
907
00:54:48,201 --> 00:54:51,913
And I remember thinking,
"Buddy, I don't know what you did
908
00:54:51,997 --> 00:54:54,833
to get invited to this party,
but it must've been pretty good,
909
00:54:54,916 --> 00:54:56,543
and I'm proud of you."
910
00:54:56,626 --> 00:54:59,963
And I'm just looking around
at all these heroes of mine, right?
911
00:55:00,463 --> 00:55:01,923
Uh, all icons.
912
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:06,094
And Ted Sarandos, who is a great man…
913
00:55:09,848 --> 00:55:11,474
…gives a toast, and he goes,
914
00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:15,103
"It's such a thrill
for me to be in the same room
915
00:55:15,770 --> 00:55:17,772
with all of my comedy heroes."
916
00:55:18,481 --> 00:55:19,816
And Chris Rock yells out,
917
00:55:19,899 --> 00:55:21,192
"And Neal Brennan!"
918
00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:34,205
I just thought, "Man, I hope someday
919
00:55:34,289 --> 00:55:36,750
Chris gets humiliated
in front of all of his peers."
920
00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:53,099
And a great joke, by the way.
921
00:55:53,183 --> 00:55:55,352
Like, the right joke to make.
922
00:55:55,435 --> 00:55:58,855
I wish I could've been somebody else
so I could have enjoyed it more.
923
00:55:58,938 --> 00:56:01,149
I was like,
"Oh fuck, I am Neal Brennan. Shit."
924
00:56:04,778 --> 00:56:07,197
You know in a movie
when someone gets embarrassed
925
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:09,074
and they cut to slo-mo shots of…
926
00:56:09,157 --> 00:56:10,492
"Ha, ha, ha."
927
00:56:10,575 --> 00:56:12,660
My slo-mo shots were Ellen going…
928
00:56:12,744 --> 00:56:14,871
"Ha, ha, ha."
929
00:56:14,954 --> 00:56:17,290
And Borat was like, "My wife!"
930
00:56:22,545 --> 00:56:26,466
But, yeah, it just made me, like,
second-guess myself, as usual.
931
00:56:26,549 --> 00:56:28,593
'Cause all these people are such naturals.
932
00:56:28,676 --> 00:56:32,222
Dave started doing comedy at 14.
He was good then.
933
00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:34,891
Eddie knew he was
going to be on TV when he was five.
934
00:56:35,392 --> 00:56:38,770
Ellen called being on The Tonight Show
before she did stand-up.
935
00:56:38,853 --> 00:56:41,606
Like, just all these stories, right?
936
00:56:41,689 --> 00:56:43,858
And meanwhile,
I did it completely backwards.
937
00:56:43,942 --> 00:56:47,070
I was a writer,
then I became a comedian in my thirties,
938
00:56:47,153 --> 00:56:49,447
and I had to… I'm not a natural.
939
00:56:49,531 --> 00:56:54,035
I had to grind and take vocal lessons
and movement classes.
940
00:56:54,119 --> 00:56:56,663
I listened to multiple audiobooks
about charisma.
941
00:56:56,746 --> 00:56:58,289
Multiple.
942
00:57:01,835 --> 00:57:03,878
I act like this is all past tense.
943
00:57:03,962 --> 00:57:05,839
I'm doing it now. See this thing?
944
00:57:05,922 --> 00:57:07,882
"It's not a watch."
You're right. It's not.
945
00:57:07,966 --> 00:57:09,259
It's called a Pavlok.
946
00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:11,761
This thing gives me a small electric shock
947
00:57:11,845 --> 00:57:14,597
every three minutes on stage
to remind me to smile more.
948
00:57:14,681 --> 00:57:16,558
It's been happening the entire show.
949
00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:33,199
Yeah, when I'm around people like that,
950
00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:36,077
I'm like, "Am I not
supposed to be doing this?"
951
00:57:37,078 --> 00:57:38,955
By the way, what even is this?
952
00:57:39,664 --> 00:57:42,208
Why can't I just do regular stand-up?
953
00:57:42,292 --> 00:57:43,376
Last time I was like,
954
00:57:43,460 --> 00:57:47,130
"I'm going to need three different
microphones set up equidistant."
955
00:57:47,213 --> 00:57:49,591
This one is… And this one… "Ugh…"
956
00:57:49,674 --> 00:57:53,011
-"Ha, ha, ha, ha."
957
00:57:53,094 --> 00:57:56,931
And then this show I'm like,
"Hey, everybody, I brought blocks!"
958
00:58:02,187 --> 00:58:03,521
I've spent the last…
959
00:58:05,523 --> 00:58:08,443
15 years of my life being a comedian.
960
00:58:10,111 --> 00:58:13,198
And every comedian I met was like,
"You seem like more of a writer."
961
00:58:16,743 --> 00:58:19,496
Which is comedians' way of saying,
"Give me your jokes."
962
00:58:20,288 --> 00:58:22,957
Before that I was a writer,
and every writer was like,
963
00:58:23,041 --> 00:58:24,834
"You seem like more of a comedian."
964
00:58:24,918 --> 00:58:27,295
Which is writers' way of saying,
"You're annoying."
965
00:58:30,465 --> 00:58:33,426
If just feels like comedians over here,
writers over here.
966
00:58:33,510 --> 00:58:35,887
Neal, you can just stay
in this middle area,
967
00:58:35,970 --> 00:58:38,765
with your little stand-up traumedy shows.
968
00:58:44,354 --> 00:58:46,356
Did I mention I paid her for this?
969
00:58:50,276 --> 00:58:51,694
Individually…
970
00:58:53,821 --> 00:58:55,949
these things are all manageable, you know?
971
00:58:56,032 --> 00:58:56,950
But it's…
972
00:58:59,244 --> 00:59:03,456
In totality, that's the hard part.
That's where the depression comes.
973
00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:06,543
And I've tried so much stuff.
974
00:59:06,626 --> 00:59:07,877
Like, so much.
975
00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:10,964
Therapy, medication.
976
00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:13,383
Ketamine.
977
00:59:14,342 --> 00:59:16,928
I tried transcranial magnetic stimulation.
978
00:59:17,011 --> 00:59:18,763
-Ooh, okay…
979
00:59:21,266 --> 00:59:23,476
That was good, but it kind of wore off.
980
00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:27,397
So then I went to China
to get a stronger version of TMS
981
00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:29,399
-which isn't legal in the States.
982
00:59:29,482 --> 00:59:31,943
It may not even be legal in China,
for all I know.
983
00:59:33,278 --> 00:59:34,320
And then,
984
00:59:35,154 --> 00:59:39,409
I did 5-MeO-DMT.
985
00:59:39,492 --> 00:59:41,160
Like Bufo alvarius.
986
00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,997
It's like the nuclear bomb
of psychedelics.
987
00:59:44,914 --> 00:59:48,293
I think I went too far… with that one.
988
00:59:48,376 --> 00:59:49,502
Like, I think…
989
00:59:50,378 --> 00:59:52,422
I think I hurt myself a little bit.
990
00:59:54,382 --> 00:59:57,010
Yeah, but I guess it makes sense if you're
991
00:59:57,760 --> 00:59:59,470
looking for a magic bullet,
992
01:00:00,054 --> 01:00:02,181
occasionally you're going to get shot.
993
01:00:03,766 --> 01:00:05,101
But I just kept thinking,
994
01:00:05,184 --> 01:00:08,229
"Dude, how did you turn
self-help into self-harm?"
995
01:00:11,065 --> 01:00:12,650
I've been saying all night
996
01:00:13,568 --> 01:00:15,194
that something's wrong with me.
997
01:00:19,282 --> 01:00:21,075
And something is wrong with me.
998
01:00:23,995 --> 01:00:26,247
I won't show myself any kindness.
999
01:00:29,208 --> 01:00:31,044
I won't give myself any grace.
1000
01:00:31,669 --> 01:00:33,796
Like, I just grind
1001
01:00:35,006 --> 01:00:38,426
and attack myself relentlessly
like it's my job.
1002
01:00:39,385 --> 01:00:41,387
I would love to stop.
1003
01:00:44,140 --> 01:00:46,392
I like to believe that my ways of being,
1004
01:00:47,685 --> 01:00:50,355
like my thoughts, my habits,
1005
01:00:52,273 --> 01:00:53,441
my emotions,
1006
01:00:54,484 --> 01:00:55,693
my beliefs…
1007
01:00:57,862 --> 01:01:00,531
I'd like to believe
that they're not defects.
1008
01:01:02,200 --> 01:01:06,079
I'd like to believe that
alchemy of a personality…
1009
01:01:08,373 --> 01:01:09,666
my spirit…
1010
01:01:11,584 --> 01:01:13,169
it's got to be enough.
1011
01:01:16,839 --> 01:01:17,840
Please.
1012
01:01:18,675 --> 01:01:20,051
Let that be enough.