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What's up, Washington D.C.?
Thank you guys for coming out.
Look, it's crazy times out there right now.
And we're all just doing our best, and I want you guys to know,
that for the next four to five-and-a-half hours,
everything is gonna be okay. Okay?
Thank you.
Didn't always feel that way.
I remember, I was in seventh grade.
And it was our first, like, boy/girl party.
Uh, and that was always very exciting.
This was back in the day when everyone was still straight.
And I was hyped.
And so, I was wearing my purple button-down shirt,
and I was wearing my GapKids khakis,
with the elastic around the waist,
for the kids who were like: "I need to go poopy now!"
I was very excited, particularly about this party,
because there was this girl there, Lizzy,
who I'd had a crush on my entire childhood.
And she's sitting alone, watching TV.
And I walk in.
I already had my opening line ready to go, I go:
"So did you hear Mrs. Goldman's daughter might have cancer?"
Just spitting hot game.
And just as she looks over at me,
Jenny, the girl whose house it is, comes up behind me,
and she pantses me.
Those GapKids khakis with the elastic waist come right on down.
And then below that I'm wearing silk boxer shorts.
Like a business man on vacation in Hong Kong.
Those slide right on down…
Lizzy looks over at me, and she is now eye to eye
with my bald little cashew.
She is horrified.
Jenny, the girl who pantsed me,
is mortified.
And I am now a comedian.
Thank you.
I was a late bloomer,
and that's why it was so terrible getting pantsed at that age.
I was also a picky eater.
As a little kid I basically would only eat mac and cheese.
And, uh, I remember
my mom would try to feed me other stuff, I didn't want anything else…
Every once in a while she could spice it up
with something like fettuccine Alfredo.
Which in reality was just creaming it up. It was…
Fettuccine Alfredo, the wettest of the pastas.
One night I just slurp up a big old bowl of fettuccine Alfredo.
A great pre-karate meal.
Especially for an undiagnosed six-year-old lactose-intolerant.
So I finish the fettuccine Alfredo.
Hop in the minivan. I'm not trying to brag,
but we had the Plymouth Voyager. It was not a big deal.
I get in the way, way back. I'm in deep right, okay?
My mom gives me a peach for dessert.
And I'm just like: "Ew, this peach is juicy!"
She's like: "Well, then don't eat it." And I just take it
and I just jam it into the cup holder.
Put a napkin over it, and I'm just like: "Peach!"
Because at that point in my life I did have a "spees" impediment.
We then arrive at karate.
I took karate. I was a little Jewish boy,
and I took karate with ten Irish-Catholic firemen in my town.
At a Catholic school in my town called Resurrection.
This was a school that I was not welcome at during the day.
But I wanted to be like:
"Without me, I don't know if you got the name?"
Allegedly, D.C.
So I roll into karate.
And I say hello to my fellow martial artists.
You know, like, show them great respect.
I don't know if you have ever had the privilege of attending a karate class
or even better, a karate demo.
Which is the occasional ceremony where you show
that you can do a TikTok dance very basically.
To be like… And I'm like…
I don't know. I'm sorry. I won't do it.
And you would slowly move up from a white belt to a yellow belt
to a black belt.
And so I'm in karate,
and I'm doing all the kicks and all the punches.
And I'm just like… "Okay, I'm good."
"I'm good at karate."
And all of a sudden I hear like:
And I'm like: "Oh, fettuccine Alfredo."
So I excuse myself from karate.
From all the martial artists.
And I
go into the hallway and then do that, you know, that, like, speed walk you do,
when you're like, you know.
And it's so fun being in another school's hallway.
You see, like, an inspirational poster.
You know, like Jesus that says, like: "Hang in there." And…
Oh… And I get to the bathroom, and I'm getting ready to go.
And I've, like, knotted the gi.
Now, I don't know if you guys are familiar again with the martial arts,
but a gi is the outfit you wear for karate.
Now, "ghee" is also a word that is now used for clarified butter.
For those of you who may be familiar with the keto diet
or bulletproof coffee.
I'm currently doing bulletproof coffee, and that is where you put
like, a lot of clarified butter in your coffee.
Five years from now they're gonna be like: "Remember when everyone's veins exploded?"
It was like the Atkins diet.
Remember the guy who invented the Atkins diet
died of a heart attack?
Or the guy who invented the Segway?
Do you guys know how the guy who invented the Segway died?
He fell off a cliff on his Segway…
Which is a good segue back to…
…my gi.
Which I had knotted like a hundred times,
because children don't understand the future
or consequences.
So I'm trying to unknot the gi.
And then I just spray the gi…
…with fettuccine Alfredo foam.
I now have to go back through the school hallway
kind of like moseying along.
Like a little John Wayne. I get back into karate, and I'm like:
"Howdy, Kemosabe."
The firemen do not say a word.
But you know they went home to their wives and were like:
"The fucking Kroll kid shat his fucking gi."
So what I'm trying to tell you is:
I walked into karate that night a white belt,
but I left a brown belt.
Thank you.
I really am a late bloomer. It took me a while to do a lot of things.
Like the first time I said: "I love you."
Does anyone here remember the first time they said "I love you" to someone?
And not like, you know, a family member or like a gorgeous plate of chicken parm.
Do you remember? You can shout out how old your were
the first time you said "I love you" to someone.
Thirteen. Eighteen.
I was thirty-two.
Does anyone here remember the first time they had their heart broken?
Thirteen. Sixteen.
I was thirty-three.
That means that the first woman I said "I love you" to
was also the first woman to break my heart.
And she fucking got me good!
This was like ten years ago. Her name was Kate.
And she was like the kind of woman that I'd always thought
I could never get. She was beautiful and funny.
And smart.
She was the kind of girl that I always had a crush on in high school.
But we were just friends, you know.
I don't know if that kind of dynamic is familiar to people
who come to comedy shows.
But you know that thing, where you're like…
You're friends, and one person likes the other person.
And the tension just builds, until someone's like:
"Jocelyn, can I speak to you tonight?"
"Boy, this is gonna end well."
Then I'd go to a party and get kinda drunk and be like:
"Jocelyn, as I mentioned earlier today,
I wanted the opportunity to speak with you
and let you know that I value our friendship so much.
But I also need you to know how often I jerk off to you."
And she'd be like: "Oh, Nicky, that is so sweet.
But I think we're just better as friends."
And I'd be like: "Yeah, that was the outcome I was hoping for."
And then she would go outside
and give a hand job to a lacrosse player
with multiple concussions
at a party at my house.
Okay?
But now I'm 32, and I've met this woman, Kate.
And we are in love. We're talking about moving in together.
We're having those conversations you have when you think you're with your person.
You know, you're like…
"Well, if we even had a kid…" Like, you know.
"What would we even name it?", you know?
And I was like: "Kilometer.
Kilometer Kroll. It's a strong name."
Cause like, I'm a huge Miles Davis fan.
But I'm, like, an even bigger fan of the metric system.
So we were really, we were in it, and uh…
She gets a gig in New York,
and we have a wedding in New York, and I fly to meet her at the wedding,
and then we're gonna have this, like, really romantic weekend together.
And we go to the wedding.
I don't know if you've ever been to a wedding with the person that you're dating
and you're watching the wedding being like: "Is this like what we'd…?"
"I mean, I guess this little ring-bearer girl is cute,
but we would have like a dachshund in a white tuxedo hold the rings, right?"
And I'm watching the vows, and I'm just bawling.
And then I look over at her, and she's crying a lot less.
We go home after the wedding, and she's like:
"Nick, we have to talk." And I'm like:
"About what? The future?"
And she's like: "Sort of."
And I'm like: "What's going on?" She's like: "I think we should break up."
And I'm like: "What? What do you mean? We're great."
She's like: "No, Nick. We've been talking about this."
And I'm like: "We have not been talking about this!"
And she's like: "Well, I've been talking about it with my friends."
And when you're getting dumped,
you realize you are the last person to find out
that you're getting broken up with.
This person has focus grouped all of this.
They have workshopped the material,
and now they are presenting you with their findings.
Which is that you ain't shit, bitch.
So I'm like: "Let's talk about this." She's like: "Nick, I've told you before.
I never wanna get married."
I was like: "We don't have to get married!
We can be one of those couples that's just like together,
and everyone's like: 'What's their fucking deal?
Do they not want insurance?" Like…
So I just start, like, pleading.
I'm like: "Please."
Which was not an effective method,
because I know that part of the reason she wanted to break up with me is
that she didn't, like, find me masculine enough.
She wanted a guy with sleeves of tattoos who could drive stick,
who could ride a motorcycle…
And I'm just never gonna be the guy who rides a motorcycle.
If I were, I'd be the guy at the back of the pack, who's like:
"Oh no, I'm gonna miss the light.
Aww, I'm gonna get split up from the fellas.
I was really looking forward to rumbling through a neighborhood
and ruining people's day."
So when I'm like: "Please…"
It was not effective.
But I just kept poking. I was like: "You need to give me a reason."
She's like: "Nick, it doesn't… Nick, fine!
I'm just not attracted to you."
And I was like…
"Oh, cool. Cool…
Okay, cool. Very cool.
Very cool. Very cool.
That's right. Very cool.
Very cool thing for me to hear.
Cool, cool.
Hey, how about you give me
literally any other reason why
you wanna break up?"
Like, she could have been like: "I wanna break up."
And I'm like: "Why?" She's like: "Because I'm in al-Qaeda."
I'd be like: "I get that. That's gonna be a major time commitment.
You do you, okay."
"I'm just not attracted to you" fucking slayed me.
So finally like three in the morning she's like:
"Nick, I gotta go to sleep."
And so, I pack up all my stuff
and I give her one last kiss goodbye and smell her like a fucking psychopath.
And then I leave her apartment.
Walk out into the hallway.
With my little "rolley" suitcase.
Like a contestant on The Apprentice that's just been fired.
And I go down to the street. New York City at three in the morning.
And I've just lost the love of my life.
And I've nowhere to stay.
And I just start bawling.
Yeah.
I cry. Like, I'm a crier. I cry…
But, like, I cry from happy stuff, you know.
I cry giving toasts. You know, like…
And it's one of the things that Kate did not like about me. I'd be like:
"Can we just quickly raise a glass?"
You know, and she'd be like: "Ugh, fucking ride a motorcycle."
And I'm like: "I can't, because even if I am safe and I wear a helmet,
I can't trust the other drivers on the road…"
I cry watching Lowe's commercials, you know.
You know those commercials where the dad buys all the fixings
for a basketball hoop?
You know, like, the lumber and the mashed potatoes.
All the fixings.
Then he puts it up in the driveway.
And he's teaching his ten-year-old son, like, how to shoot free throws, you know.
And then you cut to ten years later, and now that son is playing
in the national championship game.
And he's wearing a non-branded jersey
that says, like, "State."
And the other team is like "University of College."
And he gets fouled, and there's one second left on the clock.
And now he's at the free throw line.
And he hits the winning free throw, and the crowd goes wild.
And he looks up at his dad, and he's like:
"Thank you for building this basketball hoop.
And thank you for shopping at Lowe's."
And the dad looks down at him, and he's like:
"I love you,
and I love shopping at Lowe's.
And I love this man."
And he's now with an older black man, and I'm like:
"Oh my God, look at this modern American family!"
That'll make me cry.
Getting dumped got me good, man.
"I'm just not attracted to you."
But when Kate said that to me,
I was like: "That is so… fair.
I'm a fucking gargoyle." You know?
I mean, does anyone here look in the mirror and feel good about what they see?
"Yeah!" There's usually, like, one guy
and Lizzo.
You know…
And I get it with Lizzo. She plays the flute. It's very sexy. It's cool.
But who's that guy, I mean…? You know those guys, that are just like…
Like the sun is always in their eyes, you know, like…
Always, like, touching their chests, you know.
I'm like, what is his morning like?
You know what I mean? Does he just look in the mirror, and he's just like…
"Fucking nailed it.
Alright, let's start the day, Jake."
That is not what my morning is like, okay?
I do everything in my power to be as attractive as possible.
And tonight that's to look like one of Christopher from The Sopranos' friends.
You know…
"Hey, Chris. We're you gonna talk to your uncle Tony for me?"
I do everything in my power, and then I look in the mirror,
and the voice that I hear, when I look in the mirror
is like an English bully.
You know, he's just like:
"Look at you.
You fat fucking iguana."
The voice I hear might be British action star Jason Statham.
"Why are you so red, when you get out the shower?"
I'm like: "'Cause I have eczema."
"Yeah, you got eczemas, don't you?
And what makes the eczema flare up?"
"Dairy."
"And you're still eating lots of ice creams, aren't you?"
"Yeah." "And tree nuts?"
"Yeah, I'm not supposed to eat cashews."
"Yeah, you're not supposed to eat cashews, are you?"
"What are you gonna do about it?"
"I guess I should go…" "Yeah, you gonna go down to the chemist?"
"We call it a pharmacy." "Yeah, I bet you fucking do."
"You go down to the pharmacy and get your fragrance-free moisturizers
and get your jumbo pack of children's melatonin."
"'Cause the regular…"
"Yeah, 'cause the regular stuff makes you groggy in the morning, doesn't it?
And then you walk out of the pharmacy, and what did you…?"
"I forgot my eczema…"
"Yeah, you forgot your eczema creams!
So why don't you get the fuck outta there,
you fat, forgetful, amphibious, red, rashy,
pathetic, semitic fucking nobody."
And then I look in the mirror, and I'm like:
"Let's start the day."
It's hard to start the day.
Right now. In general.
You know what makes it easier, is…
When I wake up in the morning, I think: "Maybe I'll learn something new today."
You know? It's always exciting.
I just learned… Okay, this is crazy.
This is… Okay, everyone shut up.
This is crazy.
Did you guys know… Okay, shut up.
Did you guys know that if, when you need to fart,
if you pull your butt cheek to the side,
the fart doesn't make a noise?
Did…
Did… All the women knew. Did…
It's a fucking game changer.
What did I think was making the fart noise,
if it wasn't my little butt-cheeks vibrating back and forth, like:
Did I think there was a little trumpeter in my butt?
Like a little Miles Davis, just like…
A little Freddie Fartloader. What did I think?
You can stay at a party for an extra two hours.
For real. Go to a party, be like: "Hey. I'll be just one sec. I'm just gonna…"
And then you, like, try to run to lose the fart's trail.
"Oh, I don't, yeah, I don't know what that smell is, man.
Maybe somebody scrambling eggs, or…
A mouse died in the wall? I…
All I know is, I didn't hear anything."
We don't like to admit when we need to fart.
We don't like to admit when anything's wrong with our stomach.
Nobody is ever like: "I have diarrhea."
You know what I mean?
They're always like: "My stomach's a little off.
I'm having some stomach stuff."
It's like: "Bro, you got diarrhea."
Nobody wants to admit it.
And then it sneaks up on you. You know what I mean? Like…
I was at a breakfast meeting, and I had two cups of coffee,
and then a fruit smoothie.
And I excuse myself from the gentlemen I'm with.
I'm like…
"If you'll excuse me."
I get in my car. I'm ten minutes from my house.
I start driving.
And all of a sudden the hairs on my arms start to rise.
I get the shivers, you know. You're just like, "Ooh…"
Driving doing like butt Lamaze. You know, like,
"Ooooh…"
I pull up in front of my house. I'm not yet parked.
And I'm like: "I'm not gonna make it!
Am I gonna make it?"
And Statham's like: "No."
And I'm like: "Please don't make me this person!
I don't wanna be this person!"
And then… You know in New Orleans?
Like, right before the levees burst.
They're like: "What if we let, like, a little bit of water
through the levees? Maybe that'll save the city."
So I let like a Hershey's Kiss through the levees.
And I'm like: "Is that enough?"
And Statham's like: "No, I want it all."
And I'm like: "Please, don't make me this person!"
And then I just fill my underwear
with a travel size pillow worth of brisket.
Enjoy that the next time you have barbecue.
And then I'm like: "Is that enough?" And Statham's like: "Yeah, we're good."
I'm still not parked.
I'm gripping the wheel.
My legs are shaking like a rescue chihuahua.
I finally get out of my car and waddle inside.
Like Charlie Chaplin, just like…
Get up. Burn my clothing.
Take a shower.
And then a four-hour shame nap.
Wake up, get on a plane, and come here to Washington D.C.
Go ahead. You feel the hair on your arms starting to rise?
So, everything about that is true, except for the last part.
I did fully shit my pants in a Prius.
But that last part…
The truth is, that happened nine years ago.
That was the year after Kate had dumped me.
And the woman who said that she never wanted to get married
was now engaged to another man.
And I'm sitting in my car with a pant-load
being like: "Why did she break up with me?"
Fuck.
I felt like a kid, you know.
But I always have felt a little bit like a kid,
'cause I'm the youngest in my family. I'm the baby in my family.
Yeah.
"Nick's the baby."
"Nicky's the…" No, Nick. You're 44.
And you've never gotten a present for a single person in your family.
Okay?
I put a lot on birth order. I think that's how I ended up becoming a performer.
Because I'm the baby in my family.
Who here is the oldest in their family?
Yeah.
Raising your hands like good boys and girls.
Yeah…
"Yes, and I bear the weight of my birthright…"
You guys are like Vin Diesel.
You think you're the star of the movie.
And then all of a sudden they keep adding cast members,
and you're like: "I didn't realize this was an ensemble." You know?
I think it's really hard being the oldest.
'Cause you have to be the trailblazer. You have to be the one
who figures everything out yourself.
And then you have to take care of your siblings, like… My brother,
he taught himself to drive stick when he turned 16.
When I turned 16, he tried to teach me to drive stick,
and I was like: "This is hard.
I can't charm a clutch. You know?"
Bye, gotta go somewhere else."
My brother showed me every movie that was influential.
He'd shown me every Mel Brooks movie by the time I was ten years old.
He also… Yes.
He also showed me The Exorcist when I was five.
So anytime I see a girl whose head turns around 360 degrees,
I'm, like, triggered.
Do we have any youngest in the crowd tonight?
"Everybody wants to talk to me!
I'm whimsical!
I've abandoned three different dogs at Mom and Dad's house."
And if you're a middle child… Nobody cares, shut up.
Shut up. Nobody cares.
You knew that already, right? You knew that.
That's why you choose a partner who's like:
"Your family's fucked up." And you're like: "I know!
That's why we are the team, right?"
Do we have any only children in the crowd tonight? "Yeah!"
Did you come with your fucking parents?
"My parents are my friends."
"And my friends are my family."
Anyone here have an old-ass dad?
Yeah? How old was your dad, when you were born?
I don't know, but he's pushing 60 now.
He's pushing 60 now? And how old are you?
Twenty-one.
You're 21. Okay, so he was like forties, early forties?
That's actually a very young age to have a child.
It's actually a very good age to have a child, actually.
It means he was ready. It actually means he was ready.
It is funny when you're like: "So we finally met Caleb's father."
He's a hundred and three."
And some guy rolls in. He's like:
"I'm here to pick up my son, Caleb.
I'm wearing True Religion jeans.
I have no butt."
You know how old men get so old, they, like, lose their butt, you know?
"I poop out of the bottom of my back."
I am the youngest of four.
All three of my siblings have four children.
So I have 12 nieces and nephews.
And I've always very much been like "Uncle Nick."
As in: "You know, Uncle Nick has eczema too."
And I'm like: "That's right, buddy. Uncle Nick has eczema.
That's why he wears a special cream on his fingies,
so they don't dry up and look like witch dicks."
I really do wear a steroid cr--
Like, if anyone was ever like: "That's the level of man I am."
If someone's like: "Have you ever done steroids before?"
And I'd be like: "Yeah. Yes.
The topical var… It's called clobetasol. Are you familiar with it?
I'm supposed to lather myself in it, when I get out of the shower,
so that I'm slippery, when I get out of the shower,
almost like a seal, you know?"
"So are you having fun on the date so far?"
I think part of being the youngest is, you're always trying to catch up.
You're always comparing yourself to your older siblings.
You always wanna seem older.
So I started smoking, when I was pretty young.
And I loved it. I was so good at smoking.
I could blow rings. I could do everything cool about smoking.
I could blow rings…
But I was like: "I gotta quit, but I can't."
'Cause I felt sexy, when I smoked. I felt like a Jake.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'd be like…
"So, like, I'm not an asshole, I'm just shy."
That was never my game, I was always like: "I like you!
No games!
We'll dance, we'll laugh, your parents will find me charming."
"I feel like, if I fucked your friend, it would bring us closer together."
"I'll never look at another girl! I'll pop my eyeballs out for you!"
"I'm sorry, I couldn't make it to your mom's funeral,
but Incubus was in town."
I was like: "I gotta quit smoking." I felt so weak, you know.
I tried going cold turkey,
but then I just ate the turkey.
I'm a naughty little pun boy.
I tried vaping, but vaping is embarrassing.
When you watch someone vape, they look embarrassed while they're doing it.
They're just like…
It's like: "Bro, we see you sucking on that little robot dick."
It's like they've forgotten about the second half of vaping,
where they're gonna blow out the world's largest plume of smoke.
You know, they're just like:
You know, like: "Wow! Is that boy with the neck tattoo
a dragon that breathes hazelnut?"
Finally, I was desperate to quit. And I couldn't figure it out.
And so I finally went and I got hypnotized.
Fuck all of you.
Okay?
I went to a weird man's garage in Malibu.
You know those beach-town men, that are so tanned,
they're like the color of a beautiful basketball?
He had a gorgeous, beautiful, sweeping toupee.
And I get to his weird hoarder's garage in Malibu,
and it's filled with old People magazines
and a sun-faded article about Katherine Heigl.
So either, this guy had helped Katherine Heigl quit smoking,
or he had murdered Katherine Heigl.
So, I don't know what happened. I sat down in a weird La-Z-Boy,
and he asked me rhetorical questions. He was like:
"So Nick, would you give a toddler a gun?"
And I'm like: "I don't know the toddler.
Has anyone done a background check on him?"
And then he hypnotized me.
I don't know what he said to me. I don't know what he did to me.
All I know is that I woke up after an hour in his dirty garage,
and I walked out of the room,
and I have not smoked a cigarette since.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
But every time is see a toddler, I give him a gun.
So I got hypnotized in my early thirties for cigarettes.
I then got hypnotized again in my early forties
for a much cooler reason, you guys.
I got hypnotized because I
am addicted to snacks.
I love snacks!
Snacks, snacks…
I love snacks. I love snacks so much, all I wanna do
is eat salt and vinnies.
In the back of that mouth.
I want Sour Patch Kids, I want cookies, I want peanut-butter pretzels!
I want candy! Candy! I want candy bars.
Do you guys know that the only corporate tie-in I have ever done,
is with the Take 5 candy bar?
Do you guys understand what that means?
That means that the only corporation that I felt was
"fully aligned with my values"
was the Take 5 candy bar.
Because my values
are peanuts, peanut butter, chocolate, caramel, and pretzels. What?
Crunchy, salty, smoochy, mushy…
I was like: "Don't give me money, just pay me in Take 5s."
I literally, I walk into my kitchen, I open the pantry, and I'm just like:
"Snack attack!" I just wanna eat fucking snacks.
And I was like: "I gotta stop. I feel out of control."
I have the willpower of a child,
but I have the financial resources of an adult.
So I was like: "Fuck it. I'm gonna go get hypnotized again.
But I can't go to Katherine Heigl's basketball murderer."
So I hear about this woman named Danica.
And Danica and I spoke on the phone.
And then she hypnotized me over the phone.
She made a recording of the hypnosis.
Then she sent me that recording.
And I listen to it, when I go to sleep at night.
Guys… We are all just doing our best.
Okay?
She's like: "So, Nick. I'm going to hypnotize you.
Counting down from ten. Three, two, one.
You're in a deep sleep.
So, Nick. You're watching the television.
And on the screen comes a newscaster.
And he says:
'Nick! Stop it with all the snacks!'
For, you see, there's a sleeper cell of criminals,
and these criminals are going around all the factories,
filled with the flour and the sugars,
and they are replacing it with crunchy rat tails
and ground-up cockroach wings.
And sure, when the gummy bears are there,
that is all the ooze
from the gooey maggot stuff."
So for those of you who feel bad, like: "Oh, Nick got broken up with from Kate."
I do not sleep alone.
I make myself a cup of tea,
I eat half a child's melatonin,
and then I listen to Danica
tell me the most fucked-up bedtime story ever.
Now, how many of you guys believe that story?
All right, like three of you? All right.
Well, then I'd like to fucking play something for you now.
What do you guys think is happening here tonight?
You guys are getting the real, vulnerable Nicky K, folks.
All right, Beth. Can you hit it?
So what if those crunchy rat tails…
So what if there was crunchy cockroach wings ground up in the flour and sugar?
They didn't care.
And of course they knew that the slugs dragged up
would be ground up with the sugar,
but that meant the liquid was there, of course.
The gummy bears would be all nice,
gooey slug stuff.
Like I said, folks, we are all just doing our best out there, okay?
So…
Now…
I do love my snacks. I'm a little snack boy.
Jake. Jake's a fuckboy, I'm more of, like, a little snack boy, okay?
But I do like fruits and vegetables, like, I…
Right now, I'd say that my favorite vegetable is the Brussels sprout, right?
I'd say no vegetable has made a bigger 180 in my lifetime
than the Brussels sprout.
'Cause when I was a little kid, they were boiled.
And my mom would be like: "Nicky, eat some Brussels sprouts."
And I'm like: "You want me to eat this Super Ball
covered in fart lettuce?"
She'd be like: "Nicky, just eat one Brussels sprout."
I'm like: "Hey, mom. Why don't you eat just one dick?"
I was so mean to my mom.
Why, why are we so mean to our moms?
Why am I still mean to my mom?
You guys are like: "I'm not mean to my mom. I love my mom."
Okay, here's my impression of every single one of you
getting a phone call from your mother. Okay, here it goes.
"Fuck…"
That's it. It's perfect. It's a perfect impression.
I have no shorter fuse with anyone in my life,
than I do my own mother.
My mom could be like:
"I'm forwarding you an article
about the L.A. art deco movement." And I'm like:
"Why would you do that, Mom?!
You know art deco is like my least-favorite architectural movement!"
Meanwhile, dads get off scot-free.
I remember my dad would call me on the phone and be like:
"Hey, son. Wanted to come to your baseball game today, but then didn't."
And I'm like: "That's okay, Daddy."
My mom's like: "I like that jacket on you."
I'm like: "What about all my other jackets, Mom?!
What's wrong with them, huh?
I hate your love."
Here's the problem with moms, is like,
they're indispensable, you know?
It's like Vin Diesel and the Fast & Furious movies.
Which, I don't know if you guys know, but they're all about family.
But it's like, moms are like Vin Diesel.
"Ugh, I fucking can't stand this guy,
but I don't think we can do it without him."
I think it's that the power dynamic's off with moms.
You know?
And I think it's 'cause, like,
they literally grow us inside of them.
And we just suck the literal life out of them.
Just like: "Give me all your nutrients.
Your hair is never gonna be the same again."
And then we just slide out of their vaginas, and we're just like:
"Fuck you!"
So I've really been trying to figure out
why are we so mean to our moms?
And I think I've come up with the reason.
And I think the reason is
because they're so fucking annoying.
Thank you. Thank you.
And that's my TED Talk on moms.
And maybe you're a mom in the crowd tonight, and you're like:
"This fucking joke. I don't like this joke.
I don't like this vibe." Here's what I would ask.
I wanna invite you into the joke.
And I'm gonna ask you to think about your mom for a second.
And how fucking annoying she is.
And then you'd be like: "Okay, it's good. I get it. I get it."
I mean, I think about my mom,
and how annoyed she was by her mother.
My grandmother was an amazing woman, but she was tough, you know.
I remember coming down for Thanksgiving one year.
I was wearing a new sweater, and she touched my belly and goes:
"Well, Nick. You're looking very prosperous."
I was like: "Whoa!
Getting roasted by Nana!"
Statham's like: "Wish I'd thought about that one."
She was a tough woman.
You know, she survived the Depression.
She lost family in the Holocaust.
She's like: "Oh, I'm sorry that you found Georgetown exclusionary."
Here's the thing, moms. Here's what I will say.
You've got no game.
That's your issue.
You pick up on the first ring.
Just, like, play it a little cooler, you know.
You ever call your mom, and it's like, even before it rings: "Hello?"
And you're like: "Ugh, butt dial. Sorry, butt dial. Forget it. I gotta go."
Meanwhile, dads are better at that. You know, like, my dad, honestly,
I could call him, I don't hear back from him for like three weeks,
and then I'll get a text at midnight on a Wednesday, that's like:
"You up?"
And I'm like: "I am for you, Daddy."
So I am in therapy…
Yeah.
I am, and I think one of the most useful things I learned in therapy was
that you can't really fall in love, until you can figure out how to love yourself.
And, it takes a really long time to figure that out.
And, so, I finally met a woman. Her name's Lily, and we…
We started going on dates, and we just hit it off.
And we really fell in love.
And we went on our first, like, really romantic holiday to Italy.
We went to the city of Bologna, which in Italian means baloney.
And we're having a great time, but I was like: "I gotta step this up.
How do you fucking step this up?"
I was like: "Let's go rent a car. Let's go for a drive
through the Italian countryside."
She's like: "Great."
So we go to the Hertz Bologna.
Which in Italian means: "My pee-pee hurts."
You can't see me behind this stool.
So we go to the Hertz Bologna.
We pack up the car.
And, uh…
Car is stick.
And I'm like: "Babe, cool thing about me?
Is, uh, I don't actually really drive stick."
And she's like: "Oh. Okay. No problem. I'll just go tell the guy."
So she goes inside and gets the Hertz Bologna rental-car guy.
And he comes out, and he's like:
"Hey, no way…
No way…
Eh, automatico…
…in Bologna, huh?
No automatico in Bologna."
And I'm like: "Okay." And he's like: "You, eh…
You don't have, eh…
You don't have a stick?" And I'm like:
"I have a stick, I just don't know how to use it, okay?"
And he's like: "Okay… I got an idea. A lightbulb.
I got an idea. How about this?
You hire a driver. The driver, he sit in the front seat with your girlfriend.
They, uh…
You sit in the back seat, automatico, eh?
You cuckold, eh?
You cuckold snowflake, eh?"
And I'm like: "Fuck you, man. I can figure this out, okay?"
So I look at my girlfriend, and I'm like:
"Babe, if you can be patient with me, I can figure this out." She's like:
"I got you." So…
I don't know if you guys have ever driven stick, but…
There's three pedals.
Including one called "the clutch."
Which, you know, I'm a guy's guy.
So I know that a clutch is a little pocketbook
that women take out for a fancy night.
So I ease off the clutch.
And I press down on the other thing.
And I put it into first, and I just like can't, you know…
It's stalled. Just cannot get it's gears grinding.
Just can't get it moving at all.
Kind of like
Vincent D'Onofrio in Men in Black . Just like…
"Give me sugar!"
So the ten-minute ride to get out of Bologna
takes about an hour and 45 minutes.
But then we get out of the city, and now we're on the open road.
And it's so beautiful.
The sun is setting.
And all of a sudden
the hairs on my arms start to rise.
And I'm like: "Oh no."
And Statham's like: "Had to have that second cappuccino, didn't you?
That diarrhea's coming fast and furious.
Hope you got a transporter to ride to a loo."
And I'm like: "Are you gonna list all of your movies?"
And he's like: "The Meg."
And I'm like: "Babe, we just gotta pull over
and go to a gassatoria real quick."
And she's like: "Okay." So I'm like:
"Ooh. This caterpillar wants to become a butterfly."
We pull up to a gas station.
I have to downshift. That's the hardest part.
Can't, you know, get it back into gear. We're like 15 feet from the gas thing.
And I'm like: "Oh god."
Ooh…ooh!
My girlfriend's like: "Babe, are you okay?" And I'm like:
"Yeah, my stomach's just like a little off."
And she's like: "Babe, it's okay if you have diarrhea.
You can tell me, because I love you."
And then I look at her.
And I shit my pants.
And that's when I knew she was the one.
So, that was like the end of 2019,
and we moved in together after that.
She moved in with me in Los Angeles at the beginning of 2020.
And do you guys remember…
Um…
March 2020?
The lockdown starts, and now the two of us are just living in this house together.
And I knew that she was the women I wanted to marry,
that I wanna spend the rest of my life with,
that I wanna have a family with.
But I don't know about you guys, but even before COVID
everything felt real crackly, you know.
Everything just felt fucking off, and then COVID happens.
And I'm like: "Do I wanna have children?
Do I wanna bring a child into this world,
with everything going on?"
And I just got scared, you know?
And I know how hard it is to have a kid without anything going wrong.
Like, I have all these nieces and nephews, and all my friends have kids.
And there's nothing harder than making a four-year-old eat dinner.
You know what I mean? You ever given a four year old dinner?
"Here's some mac and cheese." "I don't want that." You know.
"What do you want?" "I want pizza."
"Okay." You bring her a pizza. "What's the green?"
And you're just like: "It's just basil."
"I don't want basil!"
"It's just a garnish." "What's a garnish?
Garnish sounds worse!"
You're like: "All right. You know what, buddy? It's time for bed.
Let's go get ready." And you take 'em upstairs to brush their teeth.
They're like: "I don't like this toothpaste.
It's spicy."
"What? Spicy? It's fucking mint."
"I don't like this spicy toothpaste."
"You gotta get some new adjectives, bro."
"I don't like this bubble water. It's spicy."
"It's Pellegrino.
It's eight dollars.
You begged me for it.
And then you begged to hold my phone with your dirty little biscuit fingers.
So that you could watch a YouTube video of a Swedish white nationalist
play Mario Kart."
"Why are you so mean to me?"
"I'm not being mean, you're just tired."
"I'm not tired."
"Then why are you rubbing your eyes?" "Because… they're spicy."
And you're like: "You know what? It's just time for your bath."
They're like: "I don't wanna take a bath…"
Somehow they dislocate both of their shoulders, like…
They're like…
And then they take the bath.
And then they come downstairs with their hair parted down to the side.
In their little footie pajamas, to say goodnight.
And they're just like…
Like they're the goddamn president of the living room.
So…
I wasn't sure about kids.
We're two months into the pandemic. It's May.
I remember it was Mother's Day. It was May 10th.
And we'd just been locked down.
And my girlfriend's like: "We gotta get out of the house.
I'm losing my mind here."
So I was like: "Okay, great. Let's get out of here. Let's go for a hike."
So we go to Topanga, this beautiful part of Los Angeles.
We go for this gorgeous hike.
And the sky is blue, and there's, like, little Simpsons clouds everywhere.
And the wild flowers are blooming.
And we haven't gone on a hike… You know when you go on a hike,
and you walk by people, and you get, like, little snippets of conversation?
And they're like: "No, that crypto guy killed himself."
And you're like: "What?"
So needless to say, it was a great day, and…
We come home, and I'm in a great mood.
And I look at Lily, and I'm like: "What's going on?"
She's like: "I don't wanna be that girl, but,
I just wanna have, like, a conversation about our timeline.
Like, are we gonna get married, are we gonna have kids?" And I'm like:
"I'll make you a mother right now!"
And I did.
Thank you.
So 42 is actually, like, a very good age to have a kid.
It's actually, like, the smartest age to have a child.
And, uh, we start planning everything.
And we get married. We eloped.
I don't know if anyone here is thinking about getting married,
but I highly recommend eloping.
Uh, yeah…
I mean, the downside is that your family can't be there,
but the upside is, is that your family can't be there.
We got married on a cliff in Big Sur, just the two of us.
It was beautiful.
Well, it was the two of us and our wedding officiant,
who was a seagull. And…
Like, a really majestic seagull.
And he said some beautiful…
There is one thing he said, that I will never forget.
He goes:
"Save tonight.
And fight the break of dawn.
Because come tomorrow, tomorrow will be gone."
And I'm not trying to brag,
but the wedding officiant was Seagull-Eye Cherry, and…
That's a joke for a very specific demographic of people here.
So we got married on the cliff,
and then we went to the Redwoods to do all the Jew shit, and…
I didn't have a glass, so I wrapped a pinecone in a paper napkin
and stepped on it.
And three squirrels were like: "Mazel tov."
And they were like hippie squirrels, that had moved out to the bay
in the early sixties and then, you know, stuck around
and then just got, like, weirdly religious over time.
And we moved into a new house, and we were nesting
and getting the nursery ready and all that stuff.
And then it came time for us to go have the baby.
Because it was so "us." It was so both of us.
It was so 50-50.
'Cause Lily was in charge of having the baby,
and I was in charge of snacks!
So we're in the hospital and we're hanging out.
"Hanging out." It was fucking intense, so…
But we're in there for a while,
and we're getting close, and all of a sudden
my wife goes into active labor.
And you can just feel the energy shift in the room.
And this new nurse, who I have not seen at any point,
this ringer softball nurse shows up out of nowhere,
and she's like: "Come on, Lily, you can fucking do it! Let's go, baby!
You've got this, girl! You've got this, girl!"
And I'm sitting there. Standing there.
Holding my wife's leg.
As she
gives birth to our son.
And…
It's…
It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
It's like you're seeing life, creation, begin.
And I know that might sound, like, a little pro-life,
but it's really much more fucking pro-mom.
I've never seen anything so majestic in my life.
And you watch a woman give birth…
And you're like: "That's why moms pick up on the first ring."
So when you leave here tonight, if you still have your mom,
text her, tell her you love her.
Or, even better,
give her a call.
Or even better than that, call her on the way to something.
So there's a clear cut-off.
So we bring our son home.
And he's so fucking cute.
He's so adorable, I mean, it's just like: "Oh my God."
He's so… He's so cute. He's hot. I have a hot son.
'Cause he's like tiny and bald and symmetrical.
And frankly, he looks a lot like Jason Statham.
And…
We're having the best time. When you have this new baby,
you just wanna squeeze, you know what I mean.
"Oh my God, give me this little baby. He's so cute!"
You just wanna slice off his cheeks and spread them on Texas toast.
"Oh, he's so cute." He's got a little soft spot on the top of his head.
You know, soft spots are real. You realize that?
It's not like: "Oh, I've got a soft spot for Neil Diamond."
It's like, no. Babies have a spot on the top of their head,
where their skulls haven't fused.
And it's just like skin, and then brain.
And you can see their little pulse, and it's so fucking cute.
I just wanna take a boba straw and pop it right in there.
And suck his adorable little brains out.
Which, as a card-carrying member of the Jewish Liberal Media Elite,
that's what QAnon already thinks I'm doing.
All right, guys. That's it. I'm Nick Kroll.
Thank you, Washington D.C.
Thank you to my wife. Thank you to my son.
Thank you to my family.
Thank you all for coming out. I really appreciate it.
This is like…
If you ever want…
…to see what I look like stressed out…
Watch me try to fucking get into gear in a crosswalk.