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[TV static drones]

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[bright tone]

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[Metric's "Gimme Sympathy"]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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- ♪ Get hot ♪

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♪ Get too close to the flame ♪

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♪ Wild, open space ♪

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♪ Talk like an open book ♪

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♪ Sign me up ♪

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♪ Got no time
to take a picture ♪

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♪ I'll remember someday ♪

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♪ All the chances we took ♪

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♪ We're so close ♪

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♪ To something
better left unknown ♪

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♪ We're so close ♪

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♪ To something
better left unknown ♪

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♪ I can feel it in my bones ♪

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♪ Give me sympathy ♪

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announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,

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Nikki Glaser!

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[cheers and applause]

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- What's up, Denver?

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[cheers and applause]

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[sighs]
Look at you.

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How's it going, guys?

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Thank you.

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Thank you.

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Oh, my God, I deserve that.

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Hi. How are you?

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And how was your COVID?

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Was it good?
Mine was good.

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I spent some time with family.

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Questioned everything.

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I mean, I survived it so far.

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I--I kind of--

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I couldn't say it
when COVID first came out,

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but, like, I, like, knew
I wasn't gonna die from it.

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Like, I just--

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I know that's cocky.

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And probably I'm wrong,

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but I feel the same way about,
like, texting and driving.

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Like, I'm good.
Like, I got it.

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You shouldn't, but, like...

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I'll be okay.

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I know that's crazy, but...

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I'm just different, you know?

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I don't do it, but I could.

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But I don't.

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I really am good about it.

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Like, if you ever see me
texting and driving,

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it's always
'cause I'm at an intersection,

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just plowing through it.

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But that's because
it was important.

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No, I just, like, did not think
I was gonna die of it.

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I just--
I just, like, don't get sick,

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ever, like, physically sick.

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That's not, like, a brag.

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Mentally, I'm fucked, but, um--

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oh, that'll take me out soon.

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But, um--
and it's not 'cause I'm, like--

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I--it's not 'cause I'm, like,
genetically superior.

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I just was, like,
"I'm just not gonna die of it."

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Like, I just--
I'm just, like, so gross

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that my immune system
is pretty great.

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I just--

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I'm--I'm gross.
Like, I--

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Like, I eat at Subway,
like, proudly.

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I love it.

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I'll eat something
off the ground.

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Five-second rule.
Like, five-month rule.

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I don't care. Like...

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sometimes I get jealous
of my Roomba,

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to be honest with you.

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I was like,
"I was gonna get that.

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I was waiting for it
to get, like, chewy."

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I seriously am gross.

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If you ever see me
in a public restroom

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and I'm, like, waving my hand
under the soap dispenser

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and it just doesn't come out--

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like, it literally
just is like...

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[blows]

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Like, it just, like,
queefs nothing,

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like, I don't go
to another one.

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I just go, "You know what?
I tried.

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That was good enough."

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And I wash
like there was something there.

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I'll mime, like, "Ooh, suds,"
but there aren't any.

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And you know that too.

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I just don't care about germs.

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So I don't know.

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It was hard for me sometimes
with the masks.

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Like, I would be like,
"I don't want to wear it.

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I'm not scared."

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But it's like,
it's not about you.

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Like, it's about other people.

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I had to remember, like--

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I created a mantra for myself

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to remind myself of that,
'cause it was like,

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"Okay, you don't care
if you get it.

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You just don't want
to give it."

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You're fine if you get it.
You just don't want to give it.

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It's like oral sex.

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Like, you just
don't want to give it

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to the elderly, you know,

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or your parents.

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That would be awful.

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It's like, ugh,

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go down on your mom
or dad like that.

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I just couldn't live
with myself.

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I'm sorry for that imagery.

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But, like,

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now that it's out there,
like, if you had to go down

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on one of them,
like, who would it be?

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Like, if you had, like--
just--just--

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and I'm not saying that
to be outrageous.

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I promise you.

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I'm not saying that
just so you're like,

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"She's shocking and gross."

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I'm only saying that
because I thought it once

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and I don't want to be alone
with that, okay?

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So that's--

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you have to have it, too, now.

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Okay, I'm gonna save you time.

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Like, don't even think
about it.

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Like, stop.

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I know it's gonna haunt you
for, you know, a while,

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but it shouldn't.

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I figured it out.
Gotta go with your mom.

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Go with your mom.
It's an easy one.

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First of all,

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your mom has had
her pussy eaten way less

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than your dad has had
his dick sucked in his life.

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That's just stats.

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It's--

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Give her one more
for the road.

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You know what I'm saying?
'Cause you will--

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she will kill herself
after you go down on her.

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You will take
your own life, too, so just--

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you can't keep living
after you go down on your mom.

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So, yeah, give her one more.

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And also--
now, this is just solid logic--

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you gotta go down on your mom,
because...

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if you were a vaginal birth,

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you already touched it
with your mouth.

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Like, you already--

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you've been down there
technically.

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You've--
- Whoo!

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- Your mouth has hit it.

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It's just unavoidable.
It's just true.

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I'm sorry.

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Dare I say, it was
the first thing you ever did,

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um, on this planet.

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And it'll be the last.

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It's so gross.

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I, like--I don't like
that joke either.

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It's awful.

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I just have to do
that joke sometimes because

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I just feel like
it perfectly encapsulates,

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like, what comedians
are supposed to do,

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which is present information
that's true

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that you haven't thought of
before.

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And that joke--
the Venn diagram,

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I mean, for "it's true"

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and "you've never thought
of it before,"

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that joke is a fucking--
that really hits

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the baby's mouth
on the mom's clit,

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or wh--the nail on the head.

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Whatever--however you say it,
but that's--

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it just is the most true thing.

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A guy asked me to call him
Daddy in bed recently.

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And it was Father's Day,
so I was like,

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"Okay, I'll give it to you,"
but...

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I didn't get him a gift
last year.

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No, it's--

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I'm--I was weirded out by it.

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And it grossed me out

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and...
[sighs]

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Only because I kissed
my dad on the lips

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till I was, like, 24.

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And it was just a thing
we did in my family,

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you know,
like deny alcoholism.

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Like, we just, like,
act like everything's fine.

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And, um, I remember the day
I put an end to it.

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I had just been, like,
smooching all day long

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with my boyfriend--
not to brag or whatever,

187
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but I was just, like,
really going hard with the guy.

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And, um, I went to go meet
my parents for dinner.

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And I greeted my dad,
and just, like, we went in

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and I kissed him on the lips,
and it ju--

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the wires just got crossed.

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Like, they just--

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I lingered a second too long.

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And it was just, blegh!
And I stopped immediately.

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Like, I let go of his lip.
I was biting it.

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But I was like, "Dad,
I can't kiss you anymore."

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He was so sad too.
My sweet dad.

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He was just like,
"Don't be weird about this.

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"We kiss on the lips
in this family.

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That's what we do."

201
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,008
And I'm like, "Then why don't
you and Mom ever do it?

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00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:51,888
Why do Lauren and I
have to suffer?"

203
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:52,889
My sister.

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00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,599
But I--you know, I--I do it.

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I sometimes do it,
'cause sometimes

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he's just like,
"Nikki, come on, I incest."

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00:07:57,768 --> 00:07:58,936
And I was like,
"Okay, that's a good--

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Dad, I'll--aw."

209
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Say it like that...

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I don't know, I just--

211
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I felt weird when the guy
wanted me to call him Daddy.

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00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:10,781
I didn't want
to kink shame, though.

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00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,033
I didn't want to be like,
"What the fuck?

214
00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:13,743
Are you fucking w"--you know?

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00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:14,952
'Cause I--I just--

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you know, I don't want
to yuck someone's yum.

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I found the best way
to discourage

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00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:20,208
something in bed
that you're not into

219
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is to try to get them
to not be into it

220
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on their own, you know?

221
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Try to ruin it for them.

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So I gave in at first.

223
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It was hard, but I was like,

224
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"Oh, yeah.
Does Daddy like that?

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00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:33,596
What about this?
Does Daddy like this?"

226
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:34,597
And by the end of it,
I was just like,

227
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,766
"Dada. Dadada.

228
00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:38,643
Dada, Dadada."

229
00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:40,102
[blows raspberry]

230
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,605
"Dada, Dadada. Dada.

231
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:44,565
Dada, Dadada."

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00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:48,444
He came right away.

233
00:08:48,527 --> 00:08:51,113
And that's when I--
that's when I knew.

234
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,281
That's when I knew
I had to keep

235
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,866
my niece and nephew
away from him.

236
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,204
I never want to make
anyone feel bad

237
00:08:58,287 --> 00:09:01,499
about something I think
they're doing that's gross.

238
00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:02,917
It's just--'cause I know

239
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,586
that I bring so many things
to the bedroom

240
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,422
that would gross a guy out,
like, um,

241
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:10,800
lots of little pieces
of toilet paper

242
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,636
in my vagina lips
that get stuck

243
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:15,471
despite my best efforts.

244
00:09:15,554 --> 00:09:18,724
I don't know--
I don't know why.

245
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,101
I do know.
I use one ply.

246
00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:22,812
I'm trying to save
the goddamn planet.

247
00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:27,608
I ju--it's--
oh, God, just these li--

248
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:28,943
you know
what I'm talking about.

249
00:09:29,026 --> 00:09:30,152
By your laughter, I know.

250
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,863
Thank God I'm not alone
on this one.

251
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:34,657
These little hamster joints,

252
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,784
they're the tiniest little--

253
00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:39,662
they're finely rolled
in such a way that I'm like,

254
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:42,832
"The meticulousness
of this roll--

255
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:44,834
"is my pussy
in the Wu-Tang Clan?

256
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:47,253
Like, this is impressive."

257
00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:53,050
So you know--you know
what I'm talking about.

258
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,679
And I look for them.

259
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:59,307
I try to scour my vagina
before I even--

260
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,683
if I think a guy's
gonna go down there,

261
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,852
I definitely look for them.
I try to get them all out.

262
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,687
'Cause it's happened to me
so many times.

263
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:06,605
I'll go through it
page by page.

264
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,816
I will leaf through.

265
00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:11,360
Sometimes I don't finish it all
before he picks me up,

266
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,195
and I put a bookmark in it,
or I, you know,

267
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,531
dog-ear a lip,
and I get back to it.

268
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,993
I always try to get them all.

269
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:20,870
I try.
Despite my best efforts,

270
00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:22,580
I will still have
a guy go down there,

271
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,165
and I'm very confident, like,
"Got 'em all,"

272
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,167
and I'll just hear him go...
[spits lightly]

273
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:28,461
Just, like, a little...
[spits lightly]

274
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,921
God damn it.

275
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,216
Like, I always used to think

276
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,718
these little pieces
of toilet paper were

277
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:37,219
'cause I was like, "There's
something wrong with me.

278
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:38,596
Why am I so gross?"

279
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:40,556
That's not why.
I try to get them out.

280
00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:42,600
And I know that I'm not alone.

281
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:43,893
I found out I'm not alone.

282
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,644
I remember
I was in high school.

283
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,563
I just got glasses
for the first time,

284
00:10:47,646 --> 00:10:50,191
so I could, like,
clearly see the ground

285
00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:51,901
in front of me
in a public restroom.

286
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:53,819
And all of a sudden, this world

287
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:57,615
of tiny little hamster doobies,
like, lit up to me.

288
00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,200
And they were everywhere.

289
00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:00,910
There's, like, a cockroach
smoking one of them

290
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:03,537
in the corner.
I'm like, "Oh, my God."

291
00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:07,208
This is a common problem.
It's not just me.

292
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:10,753
I feel connected
to other women when I see them.

293
00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:12,838
[sighs] And I do believe
it's probably

294
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,090
how we'll communicate
with each other

295
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,092
when we lose all our rights
inevitably, you know?

296
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:18,803
When we're handmaids,
it's all we'll have.

297
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:21,138
We'll just be walking
to market and just--

298
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,641
you'll just kind of
release some,

299
00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:26,560
just kick them out
like Andy Dufresne

300
00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:28,104
on the Shawshank prison yard.

301
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:31,023
Just leave a little pile.

302
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:35,945
And you'll come across
your friend's pile and be like,

303
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:39,698
"Oh, Caleb's still alive.

304
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,283
"She's out there.

305
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,743
"She hasn't had
the good fortune

306
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:44,412
of hurling herself
off a cliff."

307
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,332
So we'll use them someday.

308
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,000
And by someday,
I mean in, like, three years

309
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,420
when he comes back.

310
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:55,214
That joke will get me beheaded

311
00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:56,924
in the town square.

312
00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:59,135
[sighs]
Oh, well.

313
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:00,845
I don't know, I just--

314
00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:03,472
I've felt so much shame
about my vagina over the years.

315
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,307
I've worked a lot
of my shame out onstage.

316
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:06,684
It's helped me.

317
00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:08,853
I will shave my vagina
thoroughly.

318
00:12:08,936 --> 00:12:10,479
And I will go to itch it
later on in the day,

319
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,480
and there will be
a patch of hair

320
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,648
that is so substantial,

321
00:12:12,731 --> 00:12:15,109
it's almost, like, out of one
of those children's books

322
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,652
where it's like,
"Pet the bunny,"

323
00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:19,113
and it's just, like,
a little round circle.

324
00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:20,448
And you're like,
"You can feel it.

325
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:22,491
Go on, pet it."

326
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,368
I'm like,
"I gotta show Poppy this."

327
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,495
That's my niece.
But, um...

328
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,497
I don't know.
I don't, like, love my vagina.

329
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,665
I mean, I'm getting there.

330
00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:31,292
I feel like acceptance
is the key.

331
00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:32,376
I don't need to love it.

332
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,712
I don't need to do
what these magazines tell me.

333
00:12:34,795 --> 00:12:37,214
And, like, body positivity
posts are like,

334
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:38,716
"Love your vagina.

335
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:40,217
"Like, just look at it.

336
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:42,511
Stand over a mirror
and gaze at it."

337
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,513
I've never wanted to do that.
I've never done it.

338
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:45,681
I don't want to be,
like, you know,

339
00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:47,433
Pocahontas over a creek, like,

340
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:51,228
speaking
to my grandmother's reflection.

341
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,148
"What should I do?"

342
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:58,110
She's like,
"Follow your dreams."

343
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:01,363
I'm like, "I will."

344
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:04,325
It's just, like--it's fine.

345
00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:07,995
It's just--I don't want
to look at it that often.

346
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,165
I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm fine with it.

347
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:12,875
I accept it.

348
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:15,211
And it's like, I think
the shame about our vaginas

349
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,880
is probably why men
don't go down on us

350
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:20,216
as much as they should,
you know?

351
00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:24,386
Pussy eating and dick sucking
is not, uh--is not equal.

352
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,722
And I think some of it
is because when men go,

353
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:28,557
"I'm not into it,"
we go, "Yeah, you're right.

354
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,726
"I wouldn't either.
It's fine.

355
00:13:30,809 --> 00:13:32,686
"You're probably right.
And it's--don't worry about it.

356
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:33,812
"It's not my birthday.

357
00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:35,898
"And--I mean, it is,
but I'll have another one

358
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:37,525
"in four years.
It's February 29th

359
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,193
"and it's every leap year,
but it's fine.

360
00:13:39,276 --> 00:13:40,694
You don't have to do it."

361
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:42,863
It's just true.

362
00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,198
They don't go down on us
as much.

363
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:46,200
And, you know,
there are certain guys

364
00:13:46,283 --> 00:13:48,536
that are really, like,
outspoken about it.

365
00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:49,703
And we just let them be.

366
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,872
DJ Khaled came out
and was like,

367
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:53,832
"I don't eat pussy.
I don't eat my wife's pussy."

368
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,376
And I'm just like,

369
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:58,003
I didn't know you could get
any more worthless.

370
00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:02,049
Like, what do you do
if you don't eat pussy?

371
00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:03,634
Truly.

372
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:05,553
[cheers and applause]

373
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,638
[chuckles]

374
00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:08,639
He just shouts his name

375
00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:11,100
over his wife coming
in the room by herself

376
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:12,518
and claims it as his own.

377
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,937
Is that what he does?

378
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,897
I don't mean--

379
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,899
I already didn't care for him
that much.

380
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,568
And when I heard that,
I was like, "Fuck you."

381
00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:21,819
But then--then I looked
into it and I go,

382
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:23,612
"Hold on, let me empathize
with this guy.

383
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,905
Maybe there's
another story here."

384
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:25,948
And there was.

385
00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:27,866
DJ Khaled,
at the time he said that,

386
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,702
he was a spokesman
for WeightWatchers,

387
00:14:29,785 --> 00:14:31,412
and pussy's, like,
eight points.

388
00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:32,955
So maybe he was
just really trying

389
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:35,457
to stick to his plan.

390
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:38,544
That's a--that cuts
into your day, you know?

391
00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:41,714
He had a goal.

392
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,050
I can't understand
when guys are just like,

393
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,093
"I'm just, like, not into it."

394
00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:47,386
Like, I get not being into it.

395
00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:49,263
But do you think we suck dick

396
00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:50,973
just for the taste of it,
Diet Coke?

397
00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:53,392
Like, we don't.

398
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,394
It's--I don't care
if you don't like it.

399
00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:56,812
It's not like I don't like
sucking dick.

400
00:14:56,895 --> 00:14:59,106
I do like it because, you know,
it's something I've done.

401
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:00,482
It gives pleasure
to someone I care about.

402
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,067
I'm getting kind of good at it.

403
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:03,485
I can leave in my Invisalign

404
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,446
because it, like, rounds out
my teeth and I don't worry

405
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:08,616
about biting too hard
or scraping a dick.

406
00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,451
I can straighten as I blow.

407
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:15,331
But I don't, like,
inherently like it.

408
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:16,624
I don't care
if you don't like it.

409
00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:19,001
Like I--I really don't need you
to love it.

410
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:20,586
I--that's not part of it
for me.

411
00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:22,671
For every faction of guys
that's like,

412
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,089
"I don't eat pussy,"
there's always another one

413
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,466
that's like, "I'll do it.

414
00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:27,468
"I'll eat it all day.
I love pussy.

415
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:29,178
"Wait, I'll do it.
I love pussy.

416
00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:30,721
I'll--I'll eat your pussy."

417
00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:33,390
And it's just like,
"Not you.

418
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:37,019
"Like, you're not--
your--your mouth is wet.

419
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:39,897
"It looks like you
already were, and I just--

420
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,358
"can I just have my pizza
and you go, okay?

421
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:45,527
I don't know
why you told me that."

422
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,529
Should've done DiGiorno.

423
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,448
It's always just like--

424
00:15:49,531 --> 00:15:51,742
just like,
"Ah, I love eating pussy."

425
00:15:51,825 --> 00:15:53,285
They're just like...[groans]

426
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:54,328
And they think
we're gonna be like,

427
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:55,996
"You do? Will you marry me?"

428
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,331
Like, we don't want you--

429
00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:59,667
I don't want someone
to want pussy in general,

430
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,544
just like,
"Any--I just love pussy.

431
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:03,712
I love eating pussy."

432
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:04,922
I'm like, "I think you have

433
00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:06,674
"a vitamin deficiency
of some sort,

434
00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:09,176
because it shouldn't be
something you crave."

435
00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:12,888
Take a fish oil supplement.

436
00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:14,640
Anything. I don't know.

437
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:16,433
Get some blood work done.

438
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:21,897
"I love it.
I'll eat your pussy.

439
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,607
"I could spend hours
down there.

440
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,401
I love it.
I'll go down on you for hour"--

441
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:27,486
I'm like, "That's too long.
You're doing it wrong."

442
00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:30,239
If you're down there
that long--

443
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:32,366
I don't need you down there.
You're gonna eat it all.

444
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:36,453
Like, leave some
for the rest of us.

445
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,081
That's too long.

446
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,249
You're--by the time
you come up,

447
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:42,418
you're gonna look like
my fingertips after a bath.

448
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:43,794
I don't want
to Benjamin Button you

449
00:16:43,877 --> 00:16:45,129
down there.

450
00:16:48,006 --> 00:16:49,466
I get not wanting to eat pussy.

451
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,385
Can I say that?
Like, I actually empathize

452
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:53,262
with men who are like,
"Mm, it's not for me."

453
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:54,388
I, like--I get it.

454
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:56,098
Because, like, there are times

455
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:57,516
where I think
I could date women,

456
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:58,809
and the one thing
that holds me back is, like,

457
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:01,186
I just don't want to, like,
eat pussy.

458
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,646
Like, I just--
that's the one thing.

459
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,106
Sometimes that's
the only thing.

460
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,900
I remember telling my friend
Sabrina Jalees--

461
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:07,901
she's a lesbian.

462
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:09,111
She's a hilarious comic.

463
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:10,571
But I was telling her that,
and she goes,

464
00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:13,031
"So you think the only reason
you can't be a lesbian

465
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,492
is because you don't want
to eat pussy?"

466
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:16,827
And she goes,
"And you haven't eaten pussy?"

467
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:18,245
I'm like, "No, but, like,
I just feel like

468
00:17:18,328 --> 00:17:19,455
"I would, like, crave it

469
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:20,831
"if I was, like,
a true lesbian.

470
00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:24,001
"Like, it's, like, the base
of the lesbian food pyramid.

471
00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:25,627
"Like, it's a staple
of their diet.

472
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:28,088
"Like, if I--
if I'm like this about it,

473
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,132
I'm probably not a lesbian."

474
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:32,968
And she goes, "Okay,
well, um, did you crave

475
00:17:33,051 --> 00:17:34,261
"sucking dick
before you did it?

476
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:36,221
"Were you just like,
'I can't wait'?"

477
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:38,974
And that blew my mind.

478
00:17:39,057 --> 00:17:40,642
'Cause I was like, "Oh, fuck."

479
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:45,105
"I'm--I'm gay.
Like, that's--I'm a--

480
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,108
I am fucking gay."

481
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,487
Of course I didn't crave
sucking dick.

482
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:52,946
You don't crave it
until you do it.

483
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,115
There's so many things in life
like eating pussy

484
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,910
that you don't get into
until you do it a lot

485
00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,453
and you learn
a reason to love it.

486
00:17:59,536 --> 00:18:01,455
On paper, you're just like,
"Nah, no."

487
00:18:01,538 --> 00:18:02,790
Like coffee.
Think about coffee.

488
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,501
Remember the first time
you tried coffee?

489
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,002
You were a child
and you were just like,

490
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:10,339
"Why do adults like it so much?
It's so gross."

491
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,090
But you tried it once
because you thought it was,

492
00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:15,427
like, a warm soda or something
that your parent left behind

493
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,512
and you, like, snuck it.

494
00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:18,180
But it's coffee and whiskey

495
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:19,681
but also mostly coffee,

496
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,600
and you're like,
"What the fuck?"

497
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:22,976
And you think, "I can't be--

498
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,520
I will never drink this stuff."

499
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:26,647
And then cut to today,
you're an adult,

500
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:27,815
and you're addicted.

501
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,691
Like, you can't live
without it, you know?

502
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:31,318
And it's the first thing
I think about in the morning.

503
00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:33,529
So I don't know.

504
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:36,156
I just hope someday,
like, years from now,

505
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,533
you run into me,

506
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:39,117
and you just see me,
and I'm wearing, like,

507
00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:40,536
a funky sweatshirt
that says, like,

508
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:42,162
"Don't talk to me
till I've had my pussy.

509
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,331
And I'm like, "Hey."
You're like, "You did it."

510
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:46,708
I'm like,
"I did. I did."

511
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,504
"And you know what?
I bring my own creamer."

512
00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:51,630
[chuckles]

513
00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:54,216
You're like,
"Okay, didn't need that one.

514
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:55,551
"Let's go, kids.

515
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:56,802
"She used to be
a famous comedian."

516
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,598
But if I live long enough,
I'm gonna eat pussy.

517
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:05,269
It's, like, on my bucket list
of sexual acts to do.

518
00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:07,062
For sure.
I want to do it.

519
00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:09,857
I'm scared to do it,
but, like, I want to do it.

520
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:11,817
I just hope I scratch it
off my bucket list

521
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,820
before I'm, like, 90,
in hospice care

522
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:16,530
and, like, my grandkids
are like,

523
00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:19,366
"Grandma, you know,
it's getting towards the end.

524
00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:22,327
Is there anything else
that you want to do?"

525
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:25,706
I'm just like,
"Did you see my list?"

526
00:19:25,789 --> 00:19:28,375
And they're like,
"Unfortunately, we did.

527
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:31,712
"Um, we were thinking
maybe instead of that,

528
00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:32,963
"we could, um--

529
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:34,590
"Taylor Swift is down
to meet you.

530
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,300
Is that cool?"

531
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:37,593
I'm like,

532
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:41,013
"Can she squat over my bed?
Can we make"--

533
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:43,015
Like, "Grandma, no!"

534
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,728
[chuckles]

535
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:50,272
Someday.

536
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:51,315
I don't know.

537
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:54,234
I've talked a lot
about my vagina so far.

538
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,278
I hit the quota.

539
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:59,323
I talk about my vagina
so fucking much.

540
00:19:59,406 --> 00:20:00,782
I have a lot of, like,
guilt about it.

541
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,201
I talk about it so much,
that I don't call it

542
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:04,453
"my privates";
I call it "my public."

543
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:08,290
I gotta stop talking
about my public so much.

544
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:10,375
I just--I read, like,

545
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:12,252
what these philosophers
write about on Reddit

546
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:15,589
about how, like, female comics
talk about their vaginas

547
00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:17,007
and that's, like, all they do

548
00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:19,301
and it's so easy for them.

549
00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:22,596
Being dirty,
it does feel bad sometimes.

550
00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:23,722
I'm 37.

551
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:25,557
All I do is talk
about my vagina onstage.

552
00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:27,851
It's like, enough! I just--

553
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:29,394
I don't know, I'm just
at this point in my career

554
00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:31,563
where I'm ready to, like,
close that chapter

555
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:34,816
and, like, pivot,
like...to my asshole.

556
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:38,737
Like, you guys,
I have not even begun.

557
00:20:39,863 --> 00:20:41,156
It--talk about clean material.

558
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,659
My asshole's pretty clean,
actually.

559
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:45,118
I'm prepared for later tonight.

560
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:47,245
So it's, uh, squeaky.

561
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:50,874
It's probably a better bet
than my vagina right now,

562
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:52,793
to be honest with you.

563
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:53,919
'Cause I prepare, yeah.

564
00:20:54,002 --> 00:20:55,837
I used to just wing it.

565
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,631
Don't do that.
Don't--

566
00:20:57,714 --> 00:20:58,840
don't just, like,
feel your body and go,

567
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,342
"Mm, I got it."
You don't.

568
00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:03,720
You don't got it,
and you'll pay the price, but--

569
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,598
and now I got a whole--
I got a whole system.

570
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:07,849
I'll tell you about it too.

571
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,893
'Cause I want you
to have anal sex.

572
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:11,144
I want all of you to.

573
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,521
Let me--let me try
to get you into it.

574
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:14,439
Let me just try
to persuade you.

575
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:15,732
You don't have to.

576
00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:18,360
But I just know a lot of women
who are so adventurous in bed.

577
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:19,653
And when it comes to anal,
they just go,

578
00:21:19,736 --> 00:21:21,947
"No. Nope.
Mm-mm, nope.

579
00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:24,157
I've tried it, and no, mm-mm."

580
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:26,284
And I hear you.
I'm sure you did try it.

581
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,120
But I'm just saying,

582
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:31,498
I do think that maybe you can't
say you've tried it,

583
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:33,000
really say you've tried it,

584
00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:35,043
until you can answer yes
to the following questions,

585
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:36,586
okay?

586
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:37,671
Number one.

587
00:21:37,754 --> 00:21:41,049
Did you use
all the lube in the land?

588
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,760
Did you lube?

589
00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:45,387
I'm talking about
lubricant you buy.

590
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:48,849
Not a couple loogies
from the dry, drunk mouth

591
00:21:48,932 --> 00:21:52,894
of the guy who convinced you
it'd be a good time to try it

592
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:54,396
when you're not actually ready.

593
00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:56,565
That's not lube.

594
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:57,816
A lot of lube.

595
00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:59,067
I mean, like, a half a bottle.

596
00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:00,485
Enough that the TSA
would be like,

597
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:01,486
"You can't go through
with that.

598
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:03,363
Like, you gotta finish it."

599
00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:06,408
A lot. I'm not joking.

600
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:10,787
Are you with someone that,
if you had an accident,

601
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,372
you wouldn't have
to kill yourself afterwards?

602
00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:15,125
Like, they're not gonna tell
their dodgeball league

603
00:22:15,208 --> 00:22:17,753
and it's gonna follow you
around town.

604
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:20,422
Are you doing it with someone
that can keep a secret?

605
00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:22,090
A little brown secret?

606
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:25,927
'Cause if not,
you haven't tried it.

607
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:29,598
[sighs] Number two.

608
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:30,974
Are you relaxed?

609
00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:32,100
This is something
that a lot of people

610
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:33,935
have anxiety about.
You gotta be relaxed.

611
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:37,814
Did you come once already?
Vaginally, clitorally, fakely,

612
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:42,444
however you are used to it
with your partner.

613
00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:45,906
Number two.

614
00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:48,408
Did you prepare?

615
00:22:48,492 --> 00:22:50,744
Did you prepare?
I used to not prepare

616
00:22:50,827 --> 00:22:52,037
'cause I thought
that, oh, if I prepare,

617
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,872
if I get, like, a kit,

618
00:22:53,955 --> 00:22:54,956
that's gonna mean
something about me.

619
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,708
Like, I'm--
like, that's all I do.

620
00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:59,044
And it kind of is,
but that's not...

621
00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:01,797
You know what?
It's not a lot.

622
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,507
I used to think it was gonna be
a whole smorgasbord

623
00:23:03,590 --> 00:23:05,133
of things I'd have to do.

624
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:06,176
All you have to do to prepare

625
00:23:06,259 --> 00:23:08,804
is watch a YouTube video
of a gay guy in his bathroom

626
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:10,806
being like,
"Here's how you do it, bitch."

627
00:23:10,889 --> 00:23:12,641
And then you follow the link

628
00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:15,102
to buy the little fucking
turkey baster

629
00:23:15,185 --> 00:23:17,813
that you keep
underneath your sink.

630
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:20,023
No one will know what it is.

631
00:23:20,107 --> 00:23:22,109
It just seems like the thing
you, like, suck

632
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:23,777
snot out of a baby's nose with.

633
00:23:23,860 --> 00:23:25,529
Like, that's
what it looks like.

634
00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:27,114
You squirt water
up your butt ten times

635
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:28,615
till the water runs clean.

636
00:23:28,698 --> 00:23:29,991
Till it runs clean.

637
00:23:30,075 --> 00:23:31,827
Not like
Flint, Michigan, clean

638
00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:33,411
but, like, it's--

639
00:23:34,996 --> 00:23:36,665
Might be more than ten times.

640
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,001
And even after it runs clean,

641
00:23:40,085 --> 00:23:41,711
just do it--like, kind of
do this a little.

642
00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:44,714
Like, just give it a couple,
like, catch-up thumps,

643
00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:47,092
like you're trying
to knock out the--

644
00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:49,427
Just gotta make sure, you know?

645
00:23:49,511 --> 00:23:51,471
And, um, find your Heinz 57.

646
00:23:51,555 --> 00:23:52,722
You know, the mark
where you hit it

647
00:23:52,806 --> 00:23:53,723
and it, like, dislodges it?

648
00:23:53,807 --> 00:23:54,850
Mine's my solar plexus.

649
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:56,143
Might be a different spot
for you.

650
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:57,936
Explore yourself.

651
00:24:01,648 --> 00:24:06,528
Number two.
Did you lay down a brown towel?

652
00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:07,863
How now, brown towel?

653
00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:10,699
Just in case,
for peace of mind.

654
00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:17,164
And finally, number two.
Start small.

655
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:18,832
Don't start huge right away.

656
00:24:18,915 --> 00:24:20,417
Don't go
right to the big leagues.

657
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:23,962
Start with a finger.
A tiny butt plug.

658
00:24:24,045 --> 00:24:25,797
Maybe your boyfriend's
tiny little penis.

659
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,883
Start with something
that's not intimidating.

660
00:24:27,966 --> 00:24:30,260
Start there.

661
00:24:30,343 --> 00:24:31,720
And then work your way up.

662
00:24:31,803 --> 00:24:32,846
And I know you're like,

663
00:24:32,929 --> 00:24:34,222
"Well, my boyfriend doesn't
have a tiny little penis.

664
00:24:34,306 --> 00:24:36,892
"He has a very big penis.
And that is crazy big.

665
00:24:36,975 --> 00:24:39,227
And it's so big,
it's gonna, like, hurt."

666
00:24:40,854 --> 00:24:43,523
Just for a second,
think about, for me,

667
00:24:43,607 --> 00:24:46,484
the biggest shit you took,
I don't know,

668
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:47,861
in the past week.

669
00:24:47,944 --> 00:24:50,030
You know the one.

670
00:24:50,113 --> 00:24:51,406
You know?
The one that you're like,

671
00:24:51,489 --> 00:24:52,407
"This could make it in

672
00:24:52,490 --> 00:24:53,533
"'Guinness Book
of World Records,'

673
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:56,870
like, if I did enter it."

674
00:24:58,330 --> 00:24:59,706
You know the one.

675
00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:01,082
The one that you're like,

676
00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:02,792
"I could give birth
out of my ass.

677
00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:05,086
Like, that just confirmed it."
Like...

678
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:06,755
You know
what I'm talking about.

679
00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:09,049
Maybe you don't,
but I think you do.

680
00:25:09,132 --> 00:25:10,300
You know, the shi--

681
00:25:10,383 --> 00:25:11,343
Am I the only one?

682
00:25:11,426 --> 00:25:12,636
The one that you want
to take a picture of

683
00:25:12,719 --> 00:25:13,762
to send to your friend Anya

684
00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:15,138
but you're, like, too scared
you're gonna get hacked

685
00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:17,265
and that's what TMZ
will run with?

686
00:25:18,516 --> 00:25:19,893
And they'll just
blow past the folder

687
00:25:19,976 --> 00:25:23,271
you've clearly marked for them
that says "Full-face nudes."

688
00:25:24,981 --> 00:25:26,942
I mean, in conclusion, like,

689
00:25:27,025 --> 00:25:29,653
girls, you're shitting
massive dicks, like, weekly,

690
00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:32,405
so just--you can do it.

691
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:35,242
Aren't you glad I'm not talking
about my vagina anymore?

692
00:25:35,325 --> 00:25:38,620
Isn't that such a--thank God.

693
00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:41,414
This is who I am,
I have to say.

694
00:25:41,498 --> 00:25:44,709
This is genuinely the way I am
offstage too.

695
00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:47,629
And it is ironic,
because I am kind of prudish,

696
00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:50,423
and I started out that way.
I know that seems crazy.

697
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:51,925
In a relationship,
I'm a filthy slut.

698
00:25:52,008 --> 00:25:54,344
But I am--
I'm kind of scared of guys.

699
00:25:54,427 --> 00:25:55,553
I always have been.

700
00:25:55,637 --> 00:25:56,930
I didn't kiss a boy
until I was 17.

701
00:25:57,013 --> 00:25:58,515
I didn't have sex
until I was 21.

702
00:25:58,598 --> 00:26:00,600
I didn't have consensual sex
until I was, like, 25.

703
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:03,436
I didn't enjoy sex ever.

704
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,773
And--no, it's true, though.

705
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:08,149
It's 'cause I was scared
of sex.

706
00:26:08,233 --> 00:26:09,776
I was scared
of what I didn't know,

707
00:26:09,859 --> 00:26:12,696
because no one talked
about it honestly, you know?

708
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:15,490
I feel like sometimes

709
00:26:15,573 --> 00:26:17,409
female comics talking
honestly about sex,

710
00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:18,785
we have to do it because

711
00:26:18,868 --> 00:26:20,996
sex education is garbage,
you know?

712
00:26:21,079 --> 00:26:22,622
You either learn
by watching porn,

713
00:26:22,706 --> 00:26:24,958
or you learn at school,
where they either give you

714
00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:26,668
too much science-y words

715
00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:29,045
and then, like,
horrifying STDs,

716
00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:31,006
so it's just, like,
"The vas deferens

717
00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:34,342
is the janitor of the male
reproductive system,"

718
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:35,844
and you're like, "I don't know
what to do with that.

719
00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:37,178
Is that sex?" And they're like,

720
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:38,388
"Well, if you have sex,

721
00:26:38,471 --> 00:26:40,849
"your vagina might look
like an exploded lasagna,

722
00:26:40,932 --> 00:26:42,350
so watch"--it's just, like,

723
00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:43,685
"Here's a picture."

724
00:26:43,768 --> 00:26:46,062
And you're like,
"Jesus Christ."

725
00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:47,522
It's nothing real.

726
00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:50,025
I just think it's important

727
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:51,151
to talk
about this stuff openly.

728
00:26:51,234 --> 00:26:52,652
And as much as I shouldn't be

729
00:26:52,736 --> 00:26:54,654
a 37-year-old woman onstage

730
00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:56,323
talking explicitly
about her sex life,

731
00:26:56,406 --> 00:26:58,241
I think there's
something to be had from it.

732
00:26:58,325 --> 00:26:59,617
I remember
my housekeeper being like,

733
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:01,828
"My 11-year-old daughter
googled you.

734
00:27:01,911 --> 00:27:03,621
That was close." And I'm like,

735
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,665
"I hope she watches
everything."

736
00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:07,334
I hope she watches everything.

737
00:27:07,417 --> 00:27:09,085
'Cause I think kids are
smart enough to go, like,

738
00:27:09,169 --> 00:27:10,253
"That's not for me yet.

739
00:27:10,337 --> 00:27:12,005
"But when I get there,
at least I'll know

740
00:27:12,088 --> 00:27:13,715
"that a guy might come
on my face,

741
00:27:13,798 --> 00:27:16,092
and here's what I might be able
to do with it."

742
00:27:16,176 --> 00:27:18,303
Be funny with it
is the answer there.

743
00:27:18,386 --> 00:27:19,721
Be funny with come.

744
00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:21,014
You will have to encounter it.

745
00:27:21,097 --> 00:27:22,891
It's gross.
You avoid it.

746
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:23,975
First time I gave a hand job,

747
00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:25,769
I was so scared of come,
I did it over the toilet

748
00:27:25,852 --> 00:27:27,604
so that it would just be
direct deposit.

749
00:27:27,687 --> 00:27:29,356
'Cause I was like,
"I'm gonna be bad

750
00:27:29,439 --> 00:27:32,400
at handling come."
I was nervous about that.

751
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:33,693
Insane. But I was.

752
00:27:33,777 --> 00:27:34,944
I was like,
"I'm gonna be bad at it."

753
00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:37,447
Now I make
all of my jokes during sex

754
00:27:37,530 --> 00:27:39,366
about come because I've learned
the hard way

755
00:27:39,449 --> 00:27:41,951
that if you make jokes
before they come,

756
00:27:42,035 --> 00:27:43,536
guys don't have, like--

757
00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:45,121
all of their thought blood
is in their dick,

758
00:27:45,205 --> 00:27:48,541
so they can't understand
sarcasm or irony.

759
00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:50,752
So they're just, like,
"What'd you say?"

760
00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:54,464
And so focus
all of your sex-based humor

761
00:27:54,547 --> 00:27:55,757
around come,
'cause after they come,

762
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:57,842
they're just like,
"What? Okay."

763
00:27:57,926 --> 00:27:59,928
Like, they're back to normal
and you, like--

764
00:28:00,011 --> 00:28:03,264
you're like, "Oh, you're back.
I missed you."

765
00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:06,184
That's when you can
make them laugh.

766
00:28:06,267 --> 00:28:07,268
I do it all the time.

767
00:28:07,352 --> 00:28:10,230
Come-based humor
is my favorite.

768
00:28:10,313 --> 00:28:12,399
I don't know,
come in your hand is hilarious.

769
00:28:12,482 --> 00:28:13,775
You can act
like you're Spider-Man

770
00:28:13,858 --> 00:28:15,110
but your, like, valves
are clogged.

771
00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:16,611
You're like,
"It doesn't work.

772
00:28:16,694 --> 00:28:21,908
I told them. It's just"--
[whining]

773
00:28:21,991 --> 00:28:24,452
Rub it together,
be like, "Jacob's ladder."

774
00:28:24,536 --> 00:28:27,789
And, like, "Do you see?
Do you see it?"

775
00:28:27,872 --> 00:28:29,416
Cat's cradle.

776
00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:32,293
I--I could go on
for another two hours

777
00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:35,255
of come bits,
I have so many.

778
00:28:35,338 --> 00:28:36,506
My favorite is after they come

779
00:28:36,589 --> 00:28:38,508
and they're just like...
[groans]

780
00:28:38,591 --> 00:28:39,467
And they're just kind of
laying there like...

781
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:40,969
[snickers]
And their little penis is,

782
00:28:41,052 --> 00:28:42,804
like, slowly--

783
00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:44,472
it's, like,
shrinking up

784
00:28:44,556 --> 00:28:46,641
and kind of sticking
to their thigh.

785
00:28:46,724 --> 00:28:48,476
And I'm just, like,
walking around,

786
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,645
still, like, very, like,
just, like, full of energy.

787
00:28:50,728 --> 00:28:52,188
I'll be like, "Oh, my God,
I forgot my lip gloss,"

788
00:28:52,272 --> 00:28:53,982
and I'll just grab it
and go, "Mm."

789
00:28:54,065 --> 00:28:58,403
And then, "Bye."
And then I'll leave forever.

790
00:28:58,486 --> 00:29:01,030
No, I don't.

791
00:29:01,114 --> 00:29:02,740
I always come back.

792
00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:07,996
Girls go into sexual encounters
knowing really nothing,

793
00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:09,998
'cause no one's telling them
what honestly happens.

794
00:29:10,081 --> 00:29:12,167
And then you're scared
of doing it wrong.

795
00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:14,002
Then something happens
and you go,

796
00:29:14,085 --> 00:29:15,003
"I guess that's the way it is,"

797
00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:16,212
but it's not.

798
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:17,839
I feel like
it's most girls' fear.

799
00:29:17,922 --> 00:29:20,049
Like, we just are so scared
of doing things wrong.

800
00:29:20,133 --> 00:29:21,301
That's why I never gave
hand jobs.

801
00:29:21,384 --> 00:29:23,386
I think I used to let
guys fuck me

802
00:29:23,470 --> 00:29:26,514
before I even wanted them to
because I just--

803
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:28,016
it's easy to be good at sex.

804
00:29:28,099 --> 00:29:29,934
You're just like,
"I'm a hole," you know?

805
00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:31,853
But, like, when you're giving
a hand job,

806
00:29:31,936 --> 00:29:34,314
it, like, takes rhythm
and finesse.

807
00:29:34,397 --> 00:29:37,650
And I was just so anxious
about being bad at it.

808
00:29:37,734 --> 00:29:39,444
Girls don't do so many things

809
00:29:39,527 --> 00:29:40,528
because we think
we'll be bad at it

810
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:42,489
and that you'll make fun of us
or judge us for it

811
00:29:42,572 --> 00:29:43,865
or we'll disappoint you.

812
00:29:43,948 --> 00:29:45,325
And hand jobs,
I avoided them.

813
00:29:45,408 --> 00:29:47,285
I literally ate ass
before I gave a hand job.

814
00:29:47,368 --> 00:29:48,536
Like, I was just like,

815
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:51,539
at least that's something
he can't do himself, you know?

816
00:29:51,623 --> 00:29:53,750
Unless he's very flexible.

817
00:29:53,833 --> 00:29:57,212
But...
I was terrified of hand jobs.

818
00:29:57,295 --> 00:29:58,755
And that should be
the first thing you do.

819
00:29:58,838 --> 00:30:01,257
I just feel like if--
if I ever have a daughter,

820
00:30:01,341 --> 00:30:02,634
I'll drown her
and wait for a son.

821
00:30:02,717 --> 00:30:06,095
But if I'm ever forced
to have a daughter...

822
00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:08,223
'cause there's no water left
to drown her in,

823
00:30:08,306 --> 00:30:12,393
I will--I will tell
my daughter, like,

824
00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:15,772
"Hey, first of all,
any worry you have

825
00:30:15,855 --> 00:30:18,191
"about guys judging you
or you being bad at it,

826
00:30:18,274 --> 00:30:21,361
"if they have a boner,
they're not really thinking.

827
00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:22,737
"They're not judging you.

828
00:30:22,820 --> 00:30:25,698
"They're not storing away
information to use against you.

829
00:30:25,782 --> 00:30:27,367
"They're really dumb
when they're horny.

830
00:30:27,450 --> 00:30:29,160
Like, very, very dumb."

831
00:30:29,244 --> 00:30:30,870
Sometimes I hook up with guys

832
00:30:30,954 --> 00:30:33,248
and they're so horny and, like,
kind of, like...[grunts]

833
00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:34,791
I'm like,

834
00:30:34,874 --> 00:30:36,209
"Is this, like, a situation

835
00:30:36,292 --> 00:30:37,585
"where he's, like,
special needs

836
00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:38,628
and I shouldn't do this?"

837
00:30:38,711 --> 00:30:40,880
Like, am I gonna go to jail
because I took advantage

838
00:30:40,964 --> 00:30:43,758
of a mentally challenged man?

839
00:30:43,841 --> 00:30:46,427
I swear to God he was talking
about Bitcoin 20 minutes ago,

840
00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:50,098
but now he can't form
sentences,

841
00:30:50,181 --> 00:30:52,183
and he's grunting
and making weird noises.

842
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:54,769
It's just like,
"What happened?"

843
00:30:54,852 --> 00:30:57,981
I remember when I gave
a hand job the first time,

844
00:30:58,064 --> 00:30:59,482
which was my biggest fear

845
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:01,401
because they do it
better themselves.

846
00:31:01,484 --> 00:31:03,194
This is something
I know I'm gonna be bad at,

847
00:31:03,278 --> 00:31:04,904
no matter what.

848
00:31:04,988 --> 00:31:06,030
They're better at it than me.

849
00:31:06,114 --> 00:31:07,073
They've been doing it
all along.

850
00:31:07,156 --> 00:31:08,825
And it's true.
You'll never be as good

851
00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:10,910
at giving a hand job
as a guy is to himself.

852
00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:11,953
That is true.

853
00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:13,580
They have clocked
their 10,000 hours

854
00:31:13,663 --> 00:31:14,914
by the time they're
in seventh grade.

855
00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:16,916
There's no chance
you'll ever be as good at them.

856
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,837
You're never gonna clock
as many hand jobs as them.

857
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,463
So the first hand job
I ever gave,

858
00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:24,257
I was so paranoid
about doing it

859
00:31:24,340 --> 00:31:25,633
worse than he does it
that I was like,

860
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,302
"I'll do it from behind."

861
00:31:27,385 --> 00:31:29,512
It was like an improv game.

862
00:31:29,596 --> 00:31:32,348
Like, I was like,
"I'm your arms."

863
00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:33,391
You know? I was like--

864
00:31:33,474 --> 00:31:35,393
it was like I was Wayne Brady
on "Whose Line."

865
00:31:35,476 --> 00:31:39,606
I was like, "This'll do it."

866
00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:40,607
The worst part--

867
00:31:40,690 --> 00:31:42,275
I was already feeling terrible,

868
00:31:42,358 --> 00:31:43,443
and then the worst part
was when I caught

869
00:31:43,526 --> 00:31:46,279
my own reflection
in the bathroom mirror.

870
00:31:46,362 --> 00:31:47,572
And it was just
such a sad sight.

871
00:31:47,655 --> 00:31:48,615
It was during the day.

872
00:31:48,698 --> 00:31:50,658
I'd just gotten done with work.

873
00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:52,327
I was working
at a Korean prep school,

874
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:56,372
so my lanyard was just, like,
hanging between us.

875
00:31:56,456 --> 00:31:58,625
And I was just, like, wearing
this Target blazer.

876
00:31:58,708 --> 00:32:00,168
And the lighting was terrible.

877
00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:01,711
And the mirror--oh, my God.

878
00:32:01,794 --> 00:32:03,671
So it was a mirror here
and then a mirror on this side.

879
00:32:03,755 --> 00:32:07,050
So it was infinity of me
just, like, giving

880
00:32:07,133 --> 00:32:10,053
this sad hand job,
just, like--

881
00:32:11,512 --> 00:32:14,223
It was the saddest Rockettes
you've ever seen.

882
00:32:14,307 --> 00:32:17,060
It was like
Christmas Sploogetacular.

883
00:32:17,143 --> 00:32:20,355
Like, I was just like,
"Oh, God."

884
00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:22,398
And that's when I started
to shame spiral of, like,

885
00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:24,233
"You're such a dumb slut.

886
00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:25,610
"Like, you're just giving
this guy pleasure.

887
00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:26,653
"He doesn't like you.

888
00:32:26,736 --> 00:32:27,654
"He's probably never gonna
talk to you again.

889
00:32:27,737 --> 00:32:28,696
You got nothing out of this."

890
00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:30,156
And I just started going
to this place.

891
00:32:30,239 --> 00:32:33,451
And then I was like,
"Wait, like,

892
00:32:33,534 --> 00:32:34,827
"I'm not getting
nothing out of this.

893
00:32:34,911 --> 00:32:36,746
Like, this is
kind of hilarious."

894
00:32:36,829 --> 00:32:39,332
And maybe at the time,
I wasn't thinking,

895
00:32:39,415 --> 00:32:43,294
"I'm gonna tell thousands
of people in Denver someday,"

896
00:32:43,378 --> 00:32:47,382
but I thought
I might tell my friends.

897
00:32:48,633 --> 00:32:50,593
And that was enough for me,
of just being like,

898
00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:51,803
"This is funny."

899
00:32:51,886 --> 00:32:53,471
Because sex is hilarious.

900
00:32:53,554 --> 00:32:55,056
So if you ever find yourself
in a situation

901
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:56,557
where you're like,
"I'm being used,

902
00:32:56,641 --> 00:32:57,892
"and this--I'm just, like--

903
00:32:57,975 --> 00:32:59,102
I'm getting nothing
out of this,"

904
00:32:59,185 --> 00:33:00,978
just make it funny
for yourself.

905
00:33:01,062 --> 00:33:02,105
And, like, make it for you.

906
00:33:02,188 --> 00:33:03,189
'Cause I swear to God,
I remember

907
00:33:03,272 --> 00:33:04,357
I just had that thought,
and then I, like,

908
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:05,775
straightened up my posture

909
00:33:05,858 --> 00:33:08,528
and kind of getting, like,
a swagger with it,

910
00:33:08,611 --> 00:33:11,072
and I looked back at my selves,
and I winked.

911
00:33:11,155 --> 00:33:12,990
I was like,
"We got this, girls."

912
00:33:13,074 --> 00:33:16,202
[cheers and applause]

913
00:33:16,285 --> 00:33:17,412
Like, we were the Spice Girls

914
00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:19,747
before a final reunion
performance.

915
00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:23,751
I just f--I felt
charged up from it.

916
00:33:23,835 --> 00:33:26,379
I was like, "This is wild.

917
00:33:26,462 --> 00:33:28,214
"I've never done anything
like this in my life.

918
00:33:28,297 --> 00:33:29,966
"I didn't kiss a boy
until I was 17.

919
00:33:30,049 --> 00:33:31,467
"I was scared of men,
and now I'm jerking

920
00:33:31,551 --> 00:33:34,637
"this guy off over a toilet?
Like, I'm cool."

921
00:33:34,721 --> 00:33:37,140
I remember skipping
out of his house.

922
00:33:37,223 --> 00:33:39,142
I remember skipping
to my fucking car

923
00:33:39,225 --> 00:33:40,977
that had been towed
while I was doing it.

924
00:33:41,060 --> 00:33:42,812
So it was a low point
in my life,

925
00:33:42,895 --> 00:33:44,439
but it was a high point,
'cause I was like,

926
00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:46,441
"I'm a weird, cool whore.

927
00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:47,900
"And, like, I don't know,
I just can't wait

928
00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:49,444
to tell someone about it."

929
00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:52,113
Some of the most empowering
days of my life have been

930
00:33:52,196 --> 00:33:55,742
from me doing just kind of
slutty, degrading things

931
00:33:55,825 --> 00:33:57,994
that on paper could be,
you know,

932
00:33:58,077 --> 00:33:59,829
"Oh, that's so sad."

933
00:33:59,912 --> 00:34:01,289
But I'm like, "I never thought
I could do this,

934
00:34:01,372 --> 00:34:02,415
and I'm doing it."

935
00:34:02,498 --> 00:34:04,959
Like, if you would have
asked me four years ago,

936
00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:06,461
"Nikki, will you ever eat ass?"

937
00:34:06,544 --> 00:34:08,296
I would have been like,

938
00:34:08,379 --> 00:34:09,380
"Yeah, I did two years ago."

939
00:34:09,464 --> 00:34:12,508
But if you would have asked me
six years ago,

940
00:34:12,592 --> 00:34:15,344
will I ever eat ass?

941
00:34:15,428 --> 00:34:17,138
I'd have been like,
"This is a weird census.

942
00:34:17,221 --> 00:34:20,183
Get off my porch,"
but I would've said,

943
00:34:20,266 --> 00:34:21,350
"Is this really
what they're asking now?

944
00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:22,810
Okay, um"--

945
00:34:22,894 --> 00:34:23,895
No, I would have said,
"Hell no."

946
00:34:23,978 --> 00:34:25,730
I would have gone--
I would have signed off

947
00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:27,315
to go to my grave
without eating ass.

948
00:34:27,398 --> 00:34:28,483
Who needs to do that?

949
00:34:28,566 --> 00:34:30,109
And ironically enough,
since I've done it,

950
00:34:30,193 --> 00:34:33,112
I actually--I call eating ass
"going to the grave."

951
00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:35,406
But, um, just based
on the taste alone.

952
00:34:35,490 --> 00:34:38,117
But...I have done it.

953
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:40,453
I don't know how I did it.

954
00:34:40,536 --> 00:34:42,288
I only know
that I got horny enough

955
00:34:42,371 --> 00:34:43,331
that it seemed
like a good idea.

956
00:34:43,414 --> 00:34:45,792
I got as stupid
as I've seen men get

957
00:34:45,875 --> 00:34:48,002
when they get horny,
and I got there.

958
00:34:48,085 --> 00:34:50,171
I was able to do something
I never would have thought--

959
00:34:50,254 --> 00:34:52,173
if you had asked me
ten seconds before I did it

960
00:34:52,256 --> 00:34:53,424
if I would ever do it,
I would have been like,

961
00:34:53,508 --> 00:34:54,509
"Oh, no."
Like, there were balls

962
00:34:54,592 --> 00:34:56,177
in my mouth, but I was like,
"I would never"--

963
00:34:56,260 --> 00:34:58,346
Like, I would have said no.

964
00:34:58,429 --> 00:35:00,598
'Cause I had no idea.

965
00:35:00,681 --> 00:35:01,849
But I got horny enough

966
00:35:01,933 --> 00:35:03,601
that it seemed
like a good idea.

967
00:35:05,311 --> 00:35:07,063
Guys, if you get us
horny enough,

968
00:35:07,146 --> 00:35:11,984
we will do crazy, crazy things
that we swear we'd never do.

969
00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:13,486
Keep that in mind.
Seriously.

970
00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:15,780
You just never get us
horny enough.

971
00:35:15,863 --> 00:35:18,324
And by the way,
when I say "eating ass,"

972
00:35:18,407 --> 00:35:19,659
I didn't, like--I wasn't like,

973
00:35:19,742 --> 00:35:21,452
"Mmm, Yoplait,
fruit on the bottom."

974
00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:23,079
Like, it's not eating.
I hate "eating"--

975
00:35:23,162 --> 00:35:25,206
it sounds like I'm chewing it
or something.

976
00:35:25,289 --> 00:35:26,415
No, he didn't have
a hemorrhoid.

977
00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:30,211
I just, like...
feel like it'd be chewy.

978
00:35:30,294 --> 00:35:31,754
I don't know.

979
00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:33,214
Just, like, admitting
that I ate ass,

980
00:35:33,297 --> 00:35:34,799
it's not--

981
00:35:34,882 --> 00:35:36,467
I'm not trying to be gross.
I'm really not.

982
00:35:36,551 --> 00:35:39,178
I'm just--I swear to God,
after I ate ass,

983
00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:42,056
I was like,
"I could do anything.

984
00:35:42,139 --> 00:35:44,725
"Like, I've licked
a man's asshole.

985
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:47,061
I could--I could be president."

986
00:35:47,144 --> 00:35:50,731
Like, that's--you know?

987
00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:51,941
And then I remembered
I'm a woman.

988
00:35:52,024 --> 00:35:53,401
And I was like,
"Okay, scratch that.

989
00:35:53,484 --> 00:35:54,569
"Like...

990
00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:58,489
but maybe I could eat
a president's ass."

991
00:35:58,573 --> 00:35:59,907
A girl can dream.

992
00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:05,872
I, uh--I lived with my parents
during COVID

993
00:36:05,955 --> 00:36:07,540
for about ten months.

994
00:36:07,623 --> 00:36:09,750
So now I'm looking
for a husband

995
00:36:09,834 --> 00:36:12,253
because I don't want
to do that again

996
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:14,380
when it comes back.

997
00:36:14,463 --> 00:36:16,757
Yeah, I gotta get a husband.
It's time.

998
00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:18,092
And it's really more about,

999
00:36:18,175 --> 00:36:19,677
like, just wanting
to be with someone

1000
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:22,680
when the inevitable apocalypse
befalls us.

1001
00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:25,141
I just want one guy
to fucking care about me.

1002
00:36:25,224 --> 00:36:26,851
I want to be number one
on a guy's list.

1003
00:36:26,934 --> 00:36:29,228
For him to be like,
"I gotta get to Nikki!"

1004
00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:31,522
You know?
Like, I want that.

1005
00:36:31,606 --> 00:36:33,399
And sure, like,
my dad cares about me.

1006
00:36:33,482 --> 00:36:35,818
And I'm still--
like, I'm on his list.

1007
00:36:35,902 --> 00:36:37,904
But I'm lower.
There's nieces and nephews.

1008
00:36:37,987 --> 00:36:39,614
And I'm still above my mom
'cause I kissed him on the lips

1009
00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:42,491
till I was 26,
but, um...

1010
00:36:42,575 --> 00:36:43,576
I earned that spot.

1011
00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:46,245
But, like, he's getting older.

1012
00:36:46,329 --> 00:36:48,331
And I just want someone
to, like, care

1013
00:36:48,414 --> 00:36:50,082
when shit goes down.

1014
00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:51,626
And it got into my head

1015
00:36:51,709 --> 00:36:54,128
watching the movie
"San Andreas."

1016
00:36:54,211 --> 00:36:55,463
Did you guys see that
where, like,

1017
00:36:55,546 --> 00:36:57,465
there's this huge earthquake
and the--

1018
00:36:57,548 --> 00:36:58,966
pretty much the only people
that survive

1019
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:01,636
on the whole West Coast
are The Rock's family

1020
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:03,638
that he's trying to get to
the whole movie.

1021
00:37:03,721 --> 00:37:05,139
Whole movie is him
just trying to get to them.

1022
00:37:05,222 --> 00:37:07,391
And anyway--and you don't stand
a chance to survive

1023
00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:09,810
unless you have The Rock
looking for you.

1024
00:37:09,894 --> 00:37:12,146
And I'm like,
"I gotta find my Rock."

1025
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:14,315
And the truth of the matter is,

1026
00:37:14,398 --> 00:37:17,109
in a natural disaster,

1027
00:37:17,193 --> 00:37:18,819
it's kind of everyone
for themselves, you know?

1028
00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:21,948
Like, I feel like even The Rock
would just, like, sprint

1029
00:37:22,031 --> 00:37:24,075
out of his mansion and leave
his wife and kids behind.

1030
00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:25,159
They're like,
"Where are you going?"

1031
00:37:25,242 --> 00:37:26,661
And he just, like, has
his protein powders

1032
00:37:26,744 --> 00:37:30,164
and his MTV popcorn awards
and Kevin Hart in this arm.

1033
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:31,832
And he's just like, "I'm just--

1034
00:37:31,916 --> 00:37:34,502
I gotta get to Elon's."

1035
00:37:34,585 --> 00:37:36,671
Just everything that'll
keep him relevant

1036
00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:39,006
into the future.

1037
00:37:40,925 --> 00:37:42,551
I gotta find a guy to care.

1038
00:37:42,635 --> 00:37:44,345
And by the way, I just want him
to scream my fucking name.

1039
00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:45,429
That's all I want.

1040
00:37:45,513 --> 00:37:47,390
I just want the energy
out in the world of, like,

1041
00:37:47,473 --> 00:37:48,766
"Nikki!"
- Nikki!

1042
00:37:48,849 --> 00:37:50,017
- No, you're gonna--

1043
00:37:50,101 --> 00:37:51,227
you're gonna try
to find your mom.

1044
00:37:51,310 --> 00:37:53,562
I--just don't even pretend
like you won't.

1045
00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:55,231
Every man is gonna look
for his mom,

1046
00:37:55,314 --> 00:37:56,691
even if she's already dead.

1047
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,984
[sighs]

1048
00:37:58,067 --> 00:38:00,569
That moment when we get
the alert on our phone,

1049
00:38:00,653 --> 00:38:01,946
that's when I want him
to go into action.

1050
00:38:02,029 --> 00:38:03,531
You know the alert
that's gonna happen

1051
00:38:03,614 --> 00:38:05,700
that's gonna be like,
"It's ending, guys.

1052
00:38:05,783 --> 00:38:08,494
Uh, sorry.
Five minutes to say goodbye."

1053
00:38:08,577 --> 00:38:10,288
It's gonna sound
like an Amber Alert at first.

1054
00:38:10,371 --> 00:38:11,831
You're gonna go,
"Should we even get it?

1055
00:38:11,914 --> 00:38:12,957
"It just sounds like--

1056
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:14,000
it's probably an Amber Alert."

1057
00:38:14,083 --> 00:38:15,418
But someone's gonna go,
"It sounds diff--

1058
00:38:15,501 --> 00:38:17,878
like, it's, like, piercing.
It's more urgent."

1059
00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:19,463
It's like, "Maybe, like,
a white child's missing?

1060
00:38:19,547 --> 00:38:20,589
"Like, we should just check.

1061
00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:22,508
"Like it could be a--

1062
00:38:22,591 --> 00:38:26,512
"a delicate...baby white girl.

1063
00:38:26,595 --> 00:38:29,015
I just want to check."

1064
00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:30,725
And then I want
my husband to look

1065
00:38:30,808 --> 00:38:32,059
and it's, like, you know,
a tsunami's coming.

1066
00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:33,060
And I just want him to be like,

1067
00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:34,186
"Nikki!"

1068
00:38:34,270 --> 00:38:35,438
And then he doesn't get to me.

1069
00:38:35,521 --> 00:38:37,523
He just gets, like, hit
by a filing cabinet in a wave.

1070
00:38:37,606 --> 00:38:39,900
But still, like,

1071
00:38:39,984 --> 00:38:41,318
just the energy's in the world.

1072
00:38:41,402 --> 00:38:42,445
That is true, though.

1073
00:38:42,528 --> 00:38:44,196
It's like, you don't drown
in a tsunami.

1074
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:46,866
You just die
from the garbage in it, so--

1075
00:38:46,949 --> 00:38:48,701
That's--
I just want you guys to

1076
00:38:48,784 --> 00:38:50,327
rest assured, don't worry.
You're not gonna drown.

1077
00:38:50,411 --> 00:38:51,704
You're just gonna get impaled
by a stop sign.

1078
00:38:51,787 --> 00:38:53,289
Or, like,
a fucking Peloton bike

1079
00:38:53,372 --> 00:38:54,707
is gonna slice off your head.

1080
00:38:54,790 --> 00:38:57,001
But that's--just--
you won't drown.

1081
00:38:57,084 --> 00:38:58,586
[chuckles]

1082
00:38:58,669 --> 00:39:00,046
I've started reading books,
though,

1083
00:39:00,129 --> 00:39:01,630
about how to trick a man
into loving you,

1084
00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:03,340
'cause I was just like,

1085
00:39:03,424 --> 00:39:05,092
"This being yourself shit

1086
00:39:05,176 --> 00:39:07,178
"ain't working
for old Glasedog.

1087
00:39:07,261 --> 00:39:11,015
Uh, I'm gonna pick up
one of these books."

1088
00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:14,060
These books that are like,
"Do anything but be yourself.

1089
00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:17,897
"Please, God, change your ways.
Here are the tricks."

1090
00:39:17,980 --> 00:39:19,899
The one I tell
every girl to read

1091
00:39:19,982 --> 00:39:21,901
because I've seen
my friends use it and it works

1092
00:39:21,984 --> 00:39:24,403
is called "Getting to 'I Do.'"

1093
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:26,655
It lays out a plan
for how to get a guy

1094
00:39:26,739 --> 00:39:27,740
and trick him
into committing to you,

1095
00:39:27,823 --> 00:39:29,867
'cause you will
have to deceive him.

1096
00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:31,744
And, um,

1097
00:39:31,827 --> 00:39:33,412
it's just the way it works.

1098
00:39:33,496 --> 00:39:35,956
And let me just say, though,

1099
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:38,793
that the book
"Getting to 'I Do'"--

1100
00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:40,628
if the guy
you're trying to seduce

1101
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:44,131
into a relationship
sees the cover of the book,

1102
00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:46,717
you lost, okay?

1103
00:39:46,801 --> 00:39:48,177
Don't let him see the cover.

1104
00:39:48,260 --> 00:39:50,971
"Getting to 'I Do'"?
It's terrible.

1105
00:39:51,055 --> 00:39:52,765
Cover it up
with another book cover.

1106
00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:54,475
Fucking "Mein Kampf"
is better than

1107
00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:58,813
"Getting to 'I Do.'"
Anything.

1108
00:39:58,896 --> 00:40:01,107
But it will get you there.
I'm serious.

1109
00:40:01,190 --> 00:40:02,650
Okay, so rule number one--

1110
00:40:02,733 --> 00:40:05,361
and by the way,
this is all based upon the fact

1111
00:40:05,444 --> 00:40:08,114
that we are still animals.

1112
00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:09,824
You know, our brains
have not adapted

1113
00:40:09,907 --> 00:40:10,825
to modern culture.

1114
00:40:10,908 --> 00:40:12,118
We're still operating

1115
00:40:12,201 --> 00:40:13,953
based on instincts
that are gonna help

1116
00:40:14,036 --> 00:40:17,456
our--our species survive
and make more babies.

1117
00:40:17,540 --> 00:40:18,666
So that's all we do.

1118
00:40:18,749 --> 00:40:19,834
That's why we're attracted
to anything

1119
00:40:19,917 --> 00:40:21,377
is because
somewhere back here,

1120
00:40:21,460 --> 00:40:24,046
our mammal brain is like,
"This will help you survive,

1121
00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:26,132
or this will make more of you."

1122
00:40:26,215 --> 00:40:28,342
So starting
from that perspective--

1123
00:40:28,425 --> 00:40:29,844
'cause we all used to live
in tribes, by the way.

1124
00:40:29,927 --> 00:40:32,513
There was no, like,
marriage or, like, monogamy.

1125
00:40:32,596 --> 00:40:34,390
We just all fucked each other.

1126
00:40:34,473 --> 00:40:36,350
And we all needed to make
as many babies as possible

1127
00:40:36,433 --> 00:40:37,852
because the harsh winter
was coming,

1128
00:40:37,935 --> 00:40:39,186
and babies don't survive.

1129
00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:40,855
So it wasn't like it is now,

1130
00:40:40,938 --> 00:40:43,315
but we're still operating
on those instincts.

1131
00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:45,317
Our brain has been hitting
"Remind me tomorrow"

1132
00:40:45,401 --> 00:40:47,486
on the system update
for thousands of years.

1133
00:40:47,570 --> 00:40:50,322
Like, it's not gonna get to it.

1134
00:40:50,406 --> 00:40:53,367
And so you have to honor that
even though it sucks,

1135
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:56,662
'cause the first rule:

1136
00:40:56,745 --> 00:40:57,788
look fuckable.

1137
00:40:57,872 --> 00:40:58,789
Just look fuckable.

1138
00:40:58,873 --> 00:41:00,708
Appeal to men wanting

1139
00:41:00,791 --> 00:41:03,419
to put their penises in you
and make more of them.

1140
00:41:03,502 --> 00:41:05,588
And be fuckable.
Get his attention.

1141
00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:08,716
Make his monkey brain be like,
"I can get that pregnant.

1142
00:41:08,799 --> 00:41:10,551
"She looks like
she's ovulating.

1143
00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:13,053
She's a good host
for my sperm."

1144
00:41:13,137 --> 00:41:16,891
That's--every makeup trend
is taking advantage

1145
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:20,394
of that biological wiring
of, like, "She's ovulating."

1146
00:41:20,477 --> 00:41:22,396
That's why, you know,
we all want, like,

1147
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:25,357
big, shiny, like, glossy lips.

1148
00:41:25,441 --> 00:41:27,401
Like, that's the look,
'cause it looks like a vagina,

1149
00:41:27,484 --> 00:41:28,694
which you probably know, right?

1150
00:41:28,777 --> 00:41:31,363
Like, literally
the best-looking lips right now

1151
00:41:31,447 --> 00:41:32,823
are just the same ones you see

1152
00:41:32,907 --> 00:41:35,701
on the baboon
at the zoo exhibit

1153
00:41:35,784 --> 00:41:37,786
that you have to, like,
keep the kids away from it

1154
00:41:37,870 --> 00:41:39,747
'cause she's just, like,
wiping her wet vulva

1155
00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:41,457
on, like, a branch,
and you're like,

1156
00:41:41,540 --> 00:41:45,252
"Let's maybe go to see
the dolphins."

1157
00:41:45,336 --> 00:41:46,629
That's what our lips look like.

1158
00:41:46,712 --> 00:41:49,215
So that men go, "Pussy."

1159
00:41:49,298 --> 00:41:51,884
Like, they subconsciously
think about our vaginas.

1160
00:41:51,967 --> 00:41:52,968
It's wild.

1161
00:41:53,052 --> 00:41:54,678
We don't even know
we're doing it.

1162
00:41:55,930 --> 00:41:57,848
I just--I don't know.
I love makeup.

1163
00:41:57,932 --> 00:41:59,642
I have a love-hate relationship
with it.

1164
00:41:59,725 --> 00:42:01,435
It does help you look
more fuckable.

1165
00:42:01,518 --> 00:42:03,270
It's, like--it just does.

1166
00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:05,064
It tricks guys.

1167
00:42:05,147 --> 00:42:07,733
Sometimes I put on, like,
this dewy finishing spray

1168
00:42:07,816 --> 00:42:09,276
or, like, a highlighter,
you know?

1169
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,070
But you spray this, like,
glycerin spray

1170
00:42:11,153 --> 00:42:12,363
at the end of your makeup.

1171
00:42:12,446 --> 00:42:13,614
And people honestly go, like,

1172
00:42:13,697 --> 00:42:14,949
"Nikki, what's going on
in your life?

1173
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:16,659
You're, like, glowing.
What's happened?"

1174
00:42:16,742 --> 00:42:19,078
And I'm like, "This isn't
some inner radiance.

1175
00:42:19,161 --> 00:42:20,287
"I've sprayed something
on my face

1176
00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:23,582
"that's usually used
to seal decks for the winter.

1177
00:42:23,666 --> 00:42:27,461
"So I'm actively
absorbing cancer right now.

1178
00:42:27,544 --> 00:42:29,421
Will you marry me?"
Um...

1179
00:42:32,216 --> 00:42:33,842
I don't like it,
and it sucks,

1180
00:42:33,926 --> 00:42:35,803
'cause you're like,
"I want to wear pants.

1181
00:42:35,886 --> 00:42:36,845
They're comfortable."
And it's like,

1182
00:42:36,929 --> 00:42:38,013
"Okay, well,
do you want a husband,

1183
00:42:38,097 --> 00:42:40,641
or do you want
to pass legislation?"

1184
00:42:40,724 --> 00:42:42,726
Like...[chuckles]

1185
00:42:42,810 --> 00:42:44,478
It's unfortunate.
It sucks.

1186
00:42:44,561 --> 00:42:46,355
Being fuckable is hard.
It's uncomfortable.

1187
00:42:46,438 --> 00:42:48,607
I wear heels
that make my legs look great.

1188
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:49,817
But my feet look
like they've been

1189
00:42:49,900 --> 00:42:51,235
through the Ming dynasty.

1190
00:42:51,318 --> 00:42:53,654
They're crumpled and bunioned.

1191
00:42:54,738 --> 00:42:56,448
Just look fuckable, girls.
It sucks.

1192
00:42:56,532 --> 00:42:57,950
I know it sucks.

1193
00:42:58,033 --> 00:42:59,451
You going skiing?
Bring a sundress.

1194
00:42:59,535 --> 00:43:01,453
Like, show some skin.

1195
00:43:01,537 --> 00:43:03,455
Lot of single men
on that mountain.

1196
00:43:03,539 --> 00:43:07,167
I was worried recently,
'cause I did an interview,

1197
00:43:07,251 --> 00:43:09,044
and the headline of the article
came out and it said,

1198
00:43:09,128 --> 00:43:11,046
"Nikki Glaser Values
Being Fuckable

1199
00:43:11,130 --> 00:43:13,090
More Than Being Funny."

1200
00:43:13,173 --> 00:43:14,591
And I thought, "Oh, my God,

1201
00:43:14,675 --> 00:43:15,759
"people are gonna
come after me for this.

1202
00:43:15,843 --> 00:43:17,928
I'm--I'm a bad feminist.

1203
00:43:18,012 --> 00:43:18,887
Luckily no one saw it

1204
00:43:18,971 --> 00:43:20,306
because, like,
a celebrity died that day.

1205
00:43:20,389 --> 00:43:21,348
So it was like, "Yes!

1206
00:43:21,432 --> 00:43:22,558
Thank God
for the opioid crisis."

1207
00:43:22,641 --> 00:43:24,643
Like, really came in clutch
for me that day.

1208
00:43:24,727 --> 00:43:26,061
But, um...

1209
00:43:26,145 --> 00:43:27,563
it isn't even what I said.

1210
00:43:27,646 --> 00:43:28,647
Honestly, I was misquoted.

1211
00:43:28,731 --> 00:43:29,982
I remember talking
to the journalist,

1212
00:43:30,065 --> 00:43:31,483
and what I did say was,
"I value being fuckable

1213
00:43:31,567 --> 00:43:32,526
"more than being funny,

1214
00:43:32,609 --> 00:43:34,111
"but, like,
please don't print that.

1215
00:43:34,194 --> 00:43:35,195
"Like, I'm serious.

1216
00:43:35,279 --> 00:43:36,447
"Like, people
are gonna be pissed,

1217
00:43:36,530 --> 00:43:38,782
but, like, between you and me,
like, I do."

1218
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:42,703
That's why I'm trying
to stay young.

1219
00:43:42,786 --> 00:43:43,704
I'm aging, though.

1220
00:43:43,787 --> 00:43:45,914
I'm aging gracefully,
but it's like--

1221
00:43:45,998 --> 00:43:47,499
whatever that means.

1222
00:43:47,583 --> 00:43:50,085
And I just want to let
you girls in your 20s know

1223
00:43:50,169 --> 00:43:51,211
you're gonna age too.

1224
00:43:51,295 --> 00:43:54,715
And I know there's a secret
part of you that's like,

1225
00:43:54,798 --> 00:43:57,426
"I don't want to. Like,
"I just--I don't feel like it."

1226
00:43:57,509 --> 00:43:59,511
'Cause I used to be in my 20s
and, like, look at women

1227
00:43:59,595 --> 00:44:03,098
with their skin slightly, like,
succumbing to gravity.

1228
00:44:03,182 --> 00:44:05,809
Like, their eyelids turning
into, like, vaginal lips.

1229
00:44:05,893 --> 00:44:07,394
Like, I used to see that.

1230
00:44:07,478 --> 00:44:09,605
I have it now when people
put on my eye makeup.

1231
00:44:09,688 --> 00:44:11,523
When I do it,
I have to lift my eyelid

1232
00:44:11,607 --> 00:44:14,526
like I'm looking for my clit
and draw a line on.

1233
00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:16,362
I used to be able to just,
boop.

1234
00:44:16,445 --> 00:44:17,363
It's happening.

1235
00:44:17,446 --> 00:44:18,697
It'll happen to you too.

1236
00:44:18,781 --> 00:44:20,866
And I know that you're like,
"No, I'm gonna opt out."

1237
00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:22,368
But, like,
"I'm just not gonna age.

1238
00:44:22,451 --> 00:44:23,786
I just, like, don't want to."

1239
00:44:23,869 --> 00:44:25,746
And honestly...[sighs]

1240
00:44:25,829 --> 00:44:28,415
I fucking hope you don't
'cause I want you to die young.

1241
00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:30,959
I am tired of you

1242
00:44:31,043 --> 00:44:32,628
dating men my age

1243
00:44:32,711 --> 00:44:34,296
who should be dating me,

1244
00:44:34,380 --> 00:44:37,174
but they date you instead.

1245
00:44:37,257 --> 00:44:38,258
It's okay.

1246
00:44:38,342 --> 00:44:39,676
I'm not mad at you about it.

1247
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:41,970
I'm mad at those guys,
and I'm not even mad.

1248
00:44:42,054 --> 00:44:43,138
I get it.

1249
00:44:43,222 --> 00:44:45,474
If I was an older guy
that didn't want to settle down

1250
00:44:45,557 --> 00:44:47,768
and was, like, turned on
by hot young girls,

1251
00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:49,269
I'd fucking date
young girls too.

1252
00:44:49,353 --> 00:44:51,522
But I wouldn't lie about it
and be like,

1253
00:44:51,605 --> 00:44:53,607
"No, I know she's young, Nikki,
but, like,

1254
00:44:53,690 --> 00:44:55,567
"she's, like,
really mature for her age.

1255
00:44:55,651 --> 00:44:57,736
"Like, she's--like, that's what
I love about her most.

1256
00:44:57,820 --> 00:45:00,072
"She just so happens
to be 22.

1257
00:45:00,155 --> 00:45:01,907
"But, like, she's got, like--

1258
00:45:01,990 --> 00:45:03,909
she's got, like,
the oldest soul."

1259
00:45:03,992 --> 00:45:07,079
I don't know what's happening,

1260
00:45:07,162 --> 00:45:09,540
but there's, like,
an epidemic of 20-somethings

1261
00:45:09,623 --> 00:45:11,417
with old souls
happening right now

1262
00:45:11,500 --> 00:45:14,336
according to all
my 40-year-old friends.

1263
00:45:14,420 --> 00:45:15,629
"She's just got
the oldest soul."

1264
00:45:15,712 --> 00:45:16,755
Oh, really?

1265
00:45:16,839 --> 00:45:19,216
Of course you like the only
thing old about a woman

1266
00:45:19,299 --> 00:45:20,884
that you can't see.

1267
00:45:20,968 --> 00:45:22,928
Oh, isn't that convenient?

1268
00:45:23,011 --> 00:45:24,847
You never hear a guy going,
"She's 23.

1269
00:45:24,930 --> 00:45:26,473
"I know she's 23, Nikki,
but seriously,

1270
00:45:26,557 --> 00:45:27,975
"she's got, like,
the oldest pussy.

1271
00:45:28,058 --> 00:45:29,852
"And I just love it.
It, like, looks like

1272
00:45:29,935 --> 00:45:31,812
"it's, like, been through
some shit, you know?

1273
00:45:31,895 --> 00:45:33,814
That's what makes her
so great."

1274
00:45:33,897 --> 00:45:35,107
It's like, shut up!

1275
00:45:35,190 --> 00:45:37,317
You like her 'cause
she's hot and young!

1276
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:39,111
Stop lying!
It's okay.

1277
00:45:39,194 --> 00:45:40,112
You like her
'cause she's young.

1278
00:45:40,195 --> 00:45:41,405
She looks good.

1279
00:45:41,488 --> 00:45:43,866
She has a tight skin,
tight puss.

1280
00:45:43,949 --> 00:45:46,285
She--you can lie to her
and she doesn't, like--

1281
00:45:46,368 --> 00:45:49,037
she'll probably believe it
more than an older woman would

1282
00:45:49,121 --> 00:45:52,166
because we've been lied to more
and we know your wily ways.

1283
00:45:52,249 --> 00:45:53,667
She doesn't want
to have kids yet,

1284
00:45:53,750 --> 00:45:55,169
so you can, like,
take your time.

1285
00:45:55,252 --> 00:45:57,087
There's a million reasons
to do it.

1286
00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:58,172
It's not--it's okay.

1287
00:45:58,255 --> 00:45:59,923
You don't have to lie
and say they have old souls.

1288
00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:02,176
They don't have old souls!

1289
00:46:02,259 --> 00:46:03,844
A few of them do!

1290
00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:06,763
I know a couple that actually
do have old souls

1291
00:46:06,847 --> 00:46:10,184
because something traumatic
happened to them.

1292
00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:11,685
And they need to go heal
from it.

1293
00:46:11,768 --> 00:46:14,980
They don't need to be humped
by you and your old body.

1294
00:46:15,063 --> 00:46:17,524
They need to go talk to a woman
in an office about

1295
00:46:17,608 --> 00:46:20,402
why they're attracted to men
that look like their uncle.

1296
00:46:20,486 --> 00:46:23,280
That's what they need to do.
Leave them alone.

1297
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:25,032
[cheers and applause]

1298
00:46:25,115 --> 00:46:27,409
These 20-year-olds

1299
00:46:27,493 --> 00:46:29,203
should not have
the despondent glare

1300
00:46:29,286 --> 00:46:31,914
of a Depression-era
Dust Bowl widow

1301
00:46:31,997 --> 00:46:33,874
with seven mouths to feed.

1302
00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:38,212
Leave her alone.

1303
00:46:38,295 --> 00:46:41,298
Let her go heal.
That's weird.

1304
00:46:43,675 --> 00:46:46,053
So rule number one.

1305
00:46:46,136 --> 00:46:48,680
Look fuckable.

1306
00:46:48,764 --> 00:46:49,973
Got that.

1307
00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:52,100
Rule number two.
All right?

1308
00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:54,019
Now, this throws you
for a curve.

1309
00:46:54,102 --> 00:46:55,562
Rule number one
is look fuckable.

1310
00:46:55,646 --> 00:46:57,439
Rule number two.
Don't fuck them.

1311
00:46:57,523 --> 00:46:59,566
If you want to get a guy,
don't fuck them.

1312
00:46:59,650 --> 00:47:02,194
That's really hard to do.
Don't let them in your vagina.

1313
00:47:02,277 --> 00:47:03,654
You can let them
anywhere else--

1314
00:47:03,737 --> 00:47:07,074
well, the book actually says
don't let them in your mouth,

1315
00:47:07,157 --> 00:47:10,369
your vagina, or your ass,
but, like,

1316
00:47:10,452 --> 00:47:11,912
a girl's gotta eat, so, like,

1317
00:47:11,995 --> 00:47:13,539
I just say don't let them
in your vagina.

1318
00:47:13,622 --> 00:47:17,209
That's my interpretation
of the book.

1319
00:47:17,292 --> 00:47:20,295
'Cause it checks out.
It really does.

1320
00:47:20,379 --> 00:47:21,338
It's--[sighs]

1321
00:47:21,421 --> 00:47:23,924
You've felt it before.
It changes after sex.

1322
00:47:24,007 --> 00:47:25,676
Even if you've waited, like,
three dates

1323
00:47:25,759 --> 00:47:28,095
to have sex with a guy 'cause
you don't want to seem easy

1324
00:47:28,178 --> 00:47:29,680
or, like, however long
it makes you feel like,

1325
00:47:29,763 --> 00:47:31,723
"I'm not a slut,
and he'll respect me,"

1326
00:47:31,807 --> 00:47:33,600
whatever rule you have
in your head--

1327
00:47:33,684 --> 00:47:34,935
and you actually feel like
he likes you.

1328
00:47:35,018 --> 00:47:36,311
And let's just say
he does like you.

1329
00:47:36,395 --> 00:47:38,313
Let's for instance say
this is a guy

1330
00:47:38,397 --> 00:47:39,439
who actually likes you.

1331
00:47:39,523 --> 00:47:41,650
He's not lying.
He's not an F boy.

1332
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:43,235
He's not lying to get
something--he truly--

1333
00:47:43,318 --> 00:47:45,112
he's like a Josh.
He's not a Garrett.

1334
00:47:45,195 --> 00:47:48,574
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying.

1335
00:47:48,657 --> 00:47:50,075
[laughs] He's--

1336
00:47:50,158 --> 00:47:52,452
he's actually invest--
he wants a girlfriend.

1337
00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:53,662
He hasn't settled
these things yet

1338
00:47:53,745 --> 00:47:54,997
because that's too soon
to talk about it.

1339
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:56,123
But he's a nice guy.

1340
00:47:56,206 --> 00:47:58,292
And he showed such promise too.

1341
00:47:58,375 --> 00:47:59,918
And you want to sleep with him
'cause sex feels good

1342
00:48:00,002 --> 00:48:01,169
and you're ready to do that
and you're like,

1343
00:48:01,253 --> 00:48:02,254
"This guy's my boyfriend.

1344
00:48:02,337 --> 00:48:03,672
"Let me just sleep with him,
right?

1345
00:48:03,755 --> 00:48:05,215
"I'm tired of giving hand jobs.

1346
00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:06,925
"I don't have
my Invisalign tonight.

1347
00:48:07,009 --> 00:48:08,468
Let's just do this."

1348
00:48:08,552 --> 00:48:10,470
And you go,
"He's gonna be my boyfriend.

1349
00:48:10,554 --> 00:48:13,181
"I haven't seen a guy show
this much promise in so long.

1350
00:48:13,265 --> 00:48:15,475
"You know,
he knows my middle name.

1351
00:48:15,559 --> 00:48:18,812
"He--he listens to my dreams--

1352
00:48:18,895 --> 00:48:21,106
"not, like, my aspirations
but, like, my dreams

1353
00:48:21,189 --> 00:48:23,275
"that, like, no one
cares about,

1354
00:48:23,358 --> 00:48:25,444
"you know, where it's like,
my hands were hooves

1355
00:48:25,527 --> 00:48:27,946
"and I was in my childhood
home, but it was--like,

1356
00:48:28,030 --> 00:48:31,450
"he gives a shit about that.

1357
00:48:31,533 --> 00:48:34,703
"He's gonna come to my house
next week and hang that mirror,

1358
00:48:34,786 --> 00:48:36,163
"that floor-length mirror
I've just had

1359
00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:38,749
"tilted against the wall
for four years,

1360
00:48:38,832 --> 00:48:40,667
"convincing myself
that was the style,

1361
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:42,336
"even though it was just 'cause
I don't have a man in my life

1362
00:48:42,419 --> 00:48:44,004
"with a tool belt.

1363
00:48:44,087 --> 00:48:45,839
"I'm just like,
'Yeah, you just tilt it.'

1364
00:48:45,922 --> 00:48:47,132
"He's gonna hang that mirror.

1365
00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,550
"This guy's gonna be
my boyfriend.

1366
00:48:48,634 --> 00:48:49,509
Let me sleep with him."

1367
00:48:49,593 --> 00:48:50,510
And then you do.

1368
00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:51,678
And you have sex,
and it's great.

1369
00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:53,180
Whatever it is, it's good.

1370
00:48:53,263 --> 00:48:55,390
He comes, and then afterwards,

1371
00:48:55,474 --> 00:48:58,477
there's just this slight vibe
that, like,

1372
00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:01,188
he, like, hates you.

1373
00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:05,942
Like, he wants nothing
to do with you anymore.

1374
00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:07,486
You've felt it, right?

1375
00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:09,905
Every guy knows this feeling,

1376
00:49:09,988 --> 00:49:10,989
and I'm not even mad at you
about it.

1377
00:49:11,073 --> 00:49:12,157
Every girl knows this feeling.

1378
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:14,076
The humidity in the room
changes.

1379
00:49:14,159 --> 00:49:15,994
He--something's different.

1380
00:49:16,078 --> 00:49:18,955
You go, "Did I stumble
into some bad lighting?

1381
00:49:19,039 --> 00:49:21,375
"You know?
Did we get lost in translation?

1382
00:49:21,458 --> 00:49:23,377
"Did I ask for too much?

1383
00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:24,711
"Maybe this thing
was a masterpiece

1384
00:49:24,795 --> 00:49:26,797
till you tore it all up,
damn it!"

1385
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:28,715
No. You question yourself.

1386
00:49:28,799 --> 00:49:30,217
You go, "What did I do?"

1387
00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:31,718
You didn't do anything.

1388
00:49:31,802 --> 00:49:32,886
And, guys,
you're probably wondering

1389
00:49:32,969 --> 00:49:33,929
the same thing of, like,

1390
00:49:34,012 --> 00:49:36,515
"Why do I not like her
after this?

1391
00:49:36,598 --> 00:49:37,891
What happened?"

1392
00:49:37,974 --> 00:49:39,601
It must be scary for you.
I actually empathize.

1393
00:49:39,685 --> 00:49:42,270
I used to get so mad at you
and be like, "He changed."

1394
00:49:42,354 --> 00:49:43,772
Suddenly he's making up
this whole thing

1395
00:49:43,855 --> 00:49:48,402
about he has to go to a meeting
tomorrow at 6:00 a.m.

1396
00:49:48,485 --> 00:49:49,986
That whole thing of, like, they
go to their phone, they go,

1397
00:49:50,070 --> 00:49:52,114
"Oh, fuck." [sighs]

1398
00:49:52,197 --> 00:49:53,615
And you go, "What?"
And they're like,

1399
00:49:53,699 --> 00:49:55,492
"I just--I gotta go
in the office tomorrow.

1400
00:49:55,575 --> 00:49:56,952
It fucking sucks," and you go,

1401
00:49:57,035 --> 00:49:58,704
"You didn't have a job
20 minutes ago.

1402
00:49:58,787 --> 00:50:01,832
"Like, before we had sex,
you were unemployed.

1403
00:50:01,915 --> 00:50:04,126
Uber doesn't have an office,
okay?"

1404
00:50:04,209 --> 00:50:05,377
And you go, "What did I do?"

1405
00:50:05,460 --> 00:50:06,378
And you didn't do anything.

1406
00:50:06,461 --> 00:50:08,171
It's back
to the caveman brain thing.

1407
00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:10,757
We used to only have sex
so we could procreate.

1408
00:50:10,841 --> 00:50:13,593
So when a guy comes after
even being in your vagina,

1409
00:50:13,677 --> 00:50:15,095
even before and he pulls out,

1410
00:50:15,178 --> 00:50:16,096
but if he's been
in your vagina,

1411
00:50:16,179 --> 00:50:17,889
his brain told him, "You got--

1412
00:50:17,973 --> 00:50:19,725
"you did everything you could
to get this one pregnant.

1413
00:50:19,808 --> 00:50:21,476
"Do not waste
another load here.

1414
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:22,978
"You can't get it
pregnant twice.

1415
00:50:23,061 --> 00:50:24,521
"Move on to the next tepee

1416
00:50:24,604 --> 00:50:26,857
"and fuck her sister or cousin
or whoever.

1417
00:50:26,940 --> 00:50:28,066
"She's ovulating, too, 'cause

1418
00:50:28,150 --> 00:50:30,402
this whole tribe ovulates
at the same time."

1419
00:50:30,485 --> 00:50:32,362
It's like
a fucking Pilates class.

1420
00:50:32,446 --> 00:50:33,613
Like, it just--

1421
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:35,282
they're synced up.

1422
00:50:35,365 --> 00:50:37,075
That's why you want to leave
afterwards.

1423
00:50:37,159 --> 00:50:38,702
That's why.

1424
00:50:38,785 --> 00:50:41,246
And, girls, I felt mad
about this 'cause I go,

1425
00:50:41,329 --> 00:50:43,790
"Well, I want our tribe
to have more babies too.

1426
00:50:43,874 --> 00:50:46,793
"Why do I get, like, fucking
clingy after a guy comes?

1427
00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:48,128
Why don't I want him to leave?"

1428
00:50:48,211 --> 00:50:51,173
And the thing is,
women through evolution

1429
00:50:51,256 --> 00:50:53,300
developed cuddling after sex

1430
00:50:53,383 --> 00:50:56,136
as a way to get men
to fucking leave,

1431
00:50:56,219 --> 00:50:57,637
because over time,

1432
00:50:57,721 --> 00:50:59,181
we realized
that's the quickest way

1433
00:50:59,264 --> 00:51:02,058
for you to go fuck our cousin
in the tepee next door.

1434
00:51:02,142 --> 00:51:06,313
So what you do is,
you stop fucking them.

1435
00:51:06,396 --> 00:51:07,939
You have to stop letting them
in your vagina.

1436
00:51:08,023 --> 00:51:10,150
And I know it sucks,
but now you have anal to do.

1437
00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:12,736
That'll be fun.

1438
00:51:12,819 --> 00:51:15,947
Hand jobs--listen, you'll never
be as good as they are,

1439
00:51:16,031 --> 00:51:16,907
but here's what you do.

1440
00:51:16,990 --> 00:51:18,658
Don't even try to be
as good as them.

1441
00:51:18,742 --> 00:51:21,453
Just try to be different.
Guys just like different.

1442
00:51:21,536 --> 00:51:22,788
Use lube.

1443
00:51:22,871 --> 00:51:25,290
Guys don't use lube
when they jerk off generally.

1444
00:51:25,373 --> 00:51:27,459
They just grab, like,
whatever lotion is nearby,

1445
00:51:27,542 --> 00:51:28,752
and it, like,
stings their pee hole,

1446
00:51:28,835 --> 00:51:31,630
or they do it dry
and it's just not that good.

1447
00:51:31,713 --> 00:51:33,465
So if you bring lube--
and I'm even--

1448
00:51:33,548 --> 00:51:34,591
on a first fucking date,

1449
00:51:34,674 --> 00:51:35,884
you know when you're
sitting on the couch

1450
00:51:35,967 --> 00:51:38,595
watching whatever he put on
that you're pretending to like

1451
00:51:38,678 --> 00:51:39,679
so you're a cool girl
and you're like,

1452
00:51:39,763 --> 00:51:42,849
"I love this reality show
about Formula 1 driver"--

1453
00:51:42,933 --> 00:51:43,934
whatever the fuck it is.

1454
00:51:44,017 --> 00:51:47,354
Like, you're just like,
"I'm actually into it."

1455
00:51:47,437 --> 00:51:48,772
And then he pulls out his dick
'cause you start kissing

1456
00:51:48,855 --> 00:51:50,148
for, like, two seconds,
and you're like,

1457
00:51:50,232 --> 00:51:51,817
"God, I don't want to blow him.
It's too soon."

1458
00:51:51,900 --> 00:51:53,693
I don't--like, I don't want
to have sex with him.

1459
00:51:53,777 --> 00:51:55,153
Just go, "I want
to jerk you off,

1460
00:51:55,237 --> 00:51:56,488
but I want to go get my lube."

1461
00:51:56,571 --> 00:51:57,989
And I know that's like,
"I'm gonna go get lube

1462
00:51:58,073 --> 00:51:59,282
that's in my purse
on a first date?"

1463
00:51:59,366 --> 00:52:00,367
Yes.

1464
00:52:00,450 --> 00:52:02,160
"Well, he's gonna think
that's so weird."

1465
00:52:02,244 --> 00:52:04,663
If he has a boner,
he's not thinking.

1466
00:52:04,746 --> 00:52:07,499
He's not storing information
about you or judging you.

1467
00:52:07,582 --> 00:52:09,000
He'll just be like, "Okay."

1468
00:52:09,084 --> 00:52:11,127
And you just go get your lube

1469
00:52:11,211 --> 00:52:12,879
and you put it in your hand,

1470
00:52:12,963 --> 00:52:14,881
and he'll just kinda be like,
"What?"

1471
00:52:14,965 --> 00:52:17,717
And you don't even have
to do a certain motion

1472
00:52:17,801 --> 00:52:19,344
to make him happy.

1473
00:52:19,427 --> 00:52:21,179
Just hold out your hand
confidently and be like,

1474
00:52:21,263 --> 00:52:22,514
"Just fuck my hand."

1475
00:52:22,597 --> 00:52:23,932
You can giggle about it
and be like,

1476
00:52:24,015 --> 00:52:25,392
"Some comedian
told me to do this.

1477
00:52:25,475 --> 00:52:27,102
Just fuck my hand. Seriously."

1478
00:52:27,185 --> 00:52:28,270
And do it, like--

1479
00:52:28,353 --> 00:52:30,355
I like to do it--
like, I stand like Beyoncé

1480
00:52:30,438 --> 00:52:33,149
at the end of, like,
a really high note.

1481
00:52:33,233 --> 00:52:36,194
[cheers and applause]

1482
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:42,367
And I don't even do any motion.

1483
00:52:42,450 --> 00:52:43,785
I just keep it still
and let them fuck it.

1484
00:52:43,869 --> 00:52:45,704
And you can--it's kinda fun

1485
00:52:45,787 --> 00:52:48,540
'cause you get to change the
tightness of your hand vagina,

1486
00:52:48,623 --> 00:52:49,875
'cause down there,
you are what you are,

1487
00:52:49,958 --> 00:52:50,917
but here you can make it like

1488
00:52:51,001 --> 00:52:52,627
18-year-old virgin
or like Octomom.

1489
00:52:52,711 --> 00:52:54,963
Like, you can do, like--
you get a--

1490
00:52:58,174 --> 00:53:00,010
So...

1491
00:53:00,093 --> 00:53:03,471
don't have sex with them
in your vagina.

1492
00:53:03,555 --> 00:53:05,265
And I know it's tough,
but you can do it.

1493
00:53:05,348 --> 00:53:07,726
And finally...

1494
00:53:07,809 --> 00:53:09,811
so rule number one.
Let's review.

1495
00:53:09,895 --> 00:53:11,771
Number one, look fuckable.

1496
00:53:11,855 --> 00:53:13,690
Number two, don't fuck him.

1497
00:53:13,773 --> 00:53:14,900
And number three--

1498
00:53:14,983 --> 00:53:17,569
and this is where
I had to drop out of the book--

1499
00:53:17,652 --> 00:53:20,572
stop talking.

1500
00:53:20,655 --> 00:53:22,490
Just shut up.

1501
00:53:22,574 --> 00:53:24,743
When you want to say something,
don't say it

1502
00:53:24,826 --> 00:53:26,286
and men will like you more.

1503
00:53:26,369 --> 00:53:28,496
And the thing is, "Oh, no,
I don't want to stop talking.

1504
00:53:28,580 --> 00:53:30,332
"I don't want to be like
a fucking handmaid.

1505
00:53:30,415 --> 00:53:31,416
"Like, there's something sad
about that.

1506
00:53:31,499 --> 00:53:33,793
Like, I'm gonna just be quiet
the rest of my life?"

1507
00:53:33,877 --> 00:53:34,836
No, no, no.

1508
00:53:34,920 --> 00:53:36,212
You can go back
to your normal self.

1509
00:53:36,296 --> 00:53:38,298
You just have to wait
until he dies

1510
00:53:38,381 --> 00:53:40,300
and then you can chat it up

1511
00:53:40,383 --> 00:53:42,093
while playing canasta
with your gals.

1512
00:53:42,177 --> 00:53:43,178
No.

1513
00:53:43,261 --> 00:53:45,180
You just gotta, like,
not talk as much,

1514
00:53:45,263 --> 00:53:47,933
and that one
was a harsh reality to face.

1515
00:53:48,016 --> 00:53:49,184
But it checked out.

1516
00:53:49,267 --> 00:53:51,645
When I read that, I was like,
"God, stop talking.

1517
00:53:51,728 --> 00:53:52,896
That makes so much sense."

1518
00:53:52,979 --> 00:53:55,023
I've always wondered why,
as a female comic

1519
00:53:55,106 --> 00:53:57,025
who's got a little bit
of notoriety,

1520
00:53:57,108 --> 00:54:00,278
why I don't have
the same selection of suitors

1521
00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:02,238
that male comics seem to get.

1522
00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:03,490
You know,
male comics are batting

1523
00:54:03,573 --> 00:54:05,492
so fucking far
out of their league.

1524
00:54:05,575 --> 00:54:08,703
They do better than musicians,
than actors.

1525
00:54:08,787 --> 00:54:10,455
And I mean,
there's evidence of this.

1526
00:54:10,538 --> 00:54:12,457
I mean, look at Pete Davidson--

1527
00:54:12,540 --> 00:54:15,627
not closely, but, like,
if you--

1528
00:54:16,753 --> 00:54:19,297
He's a--
he's a good-looking guy.

1529
00:54:19,381 --> 00:54:21,675
No doubt about it.
Would I? Of course.

1530
00:54:21,758 --> 00:54:25,345
But is--is he Kate Beckinsale,

1531
00:54:25,428 --> 00:54:27,180
Kim Kardashian, Ariana Grande,

1532
00:54:27,263 --> 00:54:29,099
Kaia Gerber hot?

1533
00:54:29,182 --> 00:54:30,850
He's EGOT'd for women.

1534
00:54:30,934 --> 00:54:31,935
No!

1535
00:54:32,018 --> 00:54:33,645
He shouldn't be fucking
Kim Kardashian.

1536
00:54:33,728 --> 00:54:34,980
Like,
with Pete Davidson's looks,

1537
00:54:35,063 --> 00:54:37,148
he should be fucking...me.

1538
00:54:37,232 --> 00:54:39,484
Like, I would be a good person.

1539
00:54:39,567 --> 00:54:41,778
But that would never happen,

1540
00:54:41,861 --> 00:54:44,447
because male comics can get
so far out of their league.

1541
00:54:44,531 --> 00:54:45,573
It frustrates me.

1542
00:54:45,657 --> 00:54:46,950
Men already get out
of their league

1543
00:54:47,033 --> 00:54:48,535
just by being whoever they are.

1544
00:54:48,618 --> 00:54:50,829
Every single straight couple
you know,

1545
00:54:50,912 --> 00:54:52,914
the woman is definitely hotter
than the man.

1546
00:54:52,998 --> 00:54:54,666
It's just the way it is.

1547
00:54:54,749 --> 00:54:56,543
Maybe you can think
of one couple

1548
00:54:56,626 --> 00:54:58,211
or, like, a couple
that you can think of,

1549
00:54:58,294 --> 00:54:59,546
celebrity couples where you go,

1550
00:54:59,629 --> 00:55:03,258
"He's actually far
more handsome than she is."

1551
00:55:03,341 --> 00:55:04,509
What do you say? You go,

1552
00:55:04,592 --> 00:55:06,720
"He's really--
he's so good-looking.

1553
00:55:06,803 --> 00:55:09,514
"And she's pretty cool
with the fact that he's gay.

1554
00:55:09,597 --> 00:55:11,891
"Like, I love that she just
lets him fuck guys

1555
00:55:11,975 --> 00:55:14,728
and they pretend
to be married."

1556
00:55:14,811 --> 00:55:16,896
They're like, "Oh, it's sort of
like Timon and Pumbaa."

1557
00:55:16,980 --> 00:55:19,899
Like, they think
your husband's gay

1558
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:21,526
if you're less attractive.

1559
00:55:21,609 --> 00:55:24,070
But male comics, man,
they fucking kill it.

1560
00:55:24,154 --> 00:55:25,780
And female comics
just don't do as well.

1561
00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:28,283
And I've always been like,
"Where's the disconnect there?"

1562
00:55:28,366 --> 00:55:29,325
And it makes sense.

1563
00:55:29,409 --> 00:55:30,702
It's 'cause men don't really--

1564
00:55:30,785 --> 00:55:33,038
they're not horny for women

1565
00:55:33,121 --> 00:55:35,040
who talk a lot
and who are loud.

1566
00:55:35,123 --> 00:55:37,667
And it's based on the caveman
thing again, I think,

1567
00:55:37,751 --> 00:55:40,462
because there's something
about a guy onstage just, like,

1568
00:55:40,545 --> 00:55:42,130
commanding a crowd.

1569
00:55:42,213 --> 00:55:43,757
He has all your attention.

1570
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:45,592
He's controlling
people's emotions

1571
00:55:45,675 --> 00:55:47,135
by making them laugh.

1572
00:55:47,218 --> 00:55:49,429
And you're just like,

1573
00:55:49,512 --> 00:55:52,807
"That's the tribe leader,
and I shall have him.

1574
00:55:52,891 --> 00:55:54,601
"He will help my survival.

1575
00:55:54,684 --> 00:55:56,853
"He has all the sickest furs
in that tepee of his.

1576
00:55:56,936 --> 00:55:59,731
"I'll be protected
during wartime and famine.

1577
00:55:59,814 --> 00:56:01,399
He will be mine."

1578
00:56:01,483 --> 00:56:03,151
It's, like, hot to you.

1579
00:56:03,234 --> 00:56:05,445
But it's not the same
for female stand-ups.

1580
00:56:05,528 --> 00:56:09,407
Men aren't, like, horny
for women onstage being like,

1581
00:56:09,491 --> 00:56:10,950
"My pussy itches,

1582
00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:12,911
so let me tell you about it,
girls."

1583
00:56:12,994 --> 00:56:14,746
Like, they--

1584
00:56:14,829 --> 00:56:16,331
they're not like, "Yes!"

1585
00:56:16,414 --> 00:56:18,083
They're just like...[groans]

1586
00:56:18,166 --> 00:56:19,417
"It's fine
that you're saying that.

1587
00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:21,503
"Just, like--can you just,
like, quiet down a little bit?

1588
00:56:21,586 --> 00:56:23,463
"Your voice is really harsh,
and it, like,

1589
00:56:23,546 --> 00:56:26,466
"slices through the night air
in a different way than ours.

1590
00:56:26,549 --> 00:56:28,134
"And there's a neighboring
tribe just over the ridge

1591
00:56:28,218 --> 00:56:29,844
"that is ready to attack,
and they're gonna come

1592
00:56:29,928 --> 00:56:31,387
"murder us at dawn
because you won't shut up

1593
00:56:31,471 --> 00:56:33,681
"about your pussy itching.

1594
00:56:33,765 --> 00:56:36,226
"So could you please keep it
to hushed tones over the fire?

1595
00:56:36,309 --> 00:56:38,895
"Please?
We're gonna die

1596
00:56:38,978 --> 00:56:40,480
'cause you have an opinion."

1597
00:56:40,563 --> 00:56:41,940
And it's just true.

1598
00:56:42,023 --> 00:56:43,650
And then there was
a study that came out

1599
00:56:43,733 --> 00:56:45,568
that confirmed all of this.

1600
00:56:45,652 --> 00:56:47,987
There was a study that came out
that my friend found.

1601
00:56:48,071 --> 00:56:50,115
It was--I think it was
in "The Atlantic"...

1602
00:56:50,198 --> 00:56:51,449
Ocean.
It was an "Us Weekly"

1603
00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:52,992
that she kinda pulled out
of the surf,

1604
00:56:53,076 --> 00:56:55,578
but she--no, it was--

1605
00:56:55,662 --> 00:56:57,122
it was, like,
in a rep-utable or repu-table--

1606
00:56:57,205 --> 00:56:58,790
I don't know which word 'cause
I don't read those journals--

1607
00:56:58,873 --> 00:57:00,708
but, like, it was
in one of the gooder journals,

1608
00:57:00,792 --> 00:57:04,045
and what the study said was,

1609
00:57:04,129 --> 00:57:06,506
"Why Men Don't Like
Funny Women."

1610
00:57:06,589 --> 00:57:08,341
And what they found was

1611
00:57:08,424 --> 00:57:10,510
that men and women both say
they look for the same thing

1612
00:57:10,593 --> 00:57:12,011
in the opposite sex.

1613
00:57:12,095 --> 00:57:15,223
First of all, looks,
second, sense of humor,

1614
00:57:15,306 --> 00:57:17,350
which, that should be
a good thing for female comics.

1615
00:57:17,433 --> 00:57:19,185
Number two, sense of humor?

1616
00:57:19,269 --> 00:57:21,896
But then they dug deeper,
and what they found was that

1617
00:57:21,980 --> 00:57:23,982
women define
sense of humor in a man

1618
00:57:24,065 --> 00:57:26,401
as a man who makes them laugh,

1619
00:57:26,484 --> 00:57:28,695
and men define sense of humor
in a woman

1620
00:57:28,778 --> 00:57:31,948
as a woman who laughs
at their jokes.

1621
00:57:33,741 --> 00:57:35,660
Yeah.

1622
00:57:35,743 --> 00:57:37,579
That's not a funny woman.

1623
00:57:38,955 --> 00:57:41,166
It's a smart woman.

1624
00:57:41,249 --> 00:57:44,419
That's why
I'll be alone forever.

1625
00:57:44,502 --> 00:57:45,712
That's it, though.

1626
00:57:45,795 --> 00:57:47,881
Look fuckable.
Don't fuck them.

1627
00:57:47,964 --> 00:57:50,049
Talk less.

1628
00:57:50,133 --> 00:57:52,552
So I just feel like
in closing, like,

1629
00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:54,637
I just want to leave you
with this. Um...

1630
00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:58,433
[chuckles]

1631
00:57:58,516 --> 00:57:59,642
- Whoo!

1632
00:57:59,726 --> 00:58:02,687
[cheers and applause]

1633
00:58:07,567 --> 00:58:10,528
- [giggling]

1634
00:58:19,454 --> 00:58:21,581
Wait. Do you hear that?

1635
00:58:21,664 --> 00:58:24,083
That's blood rushing
to all of your dicks right now.

1636
00:58:24,167 --> 00:58:27,503
I can hear--I can hear it.

1637
00:58:27,587 --> 00:58:30,006
Thank you guys so much.
I had so much fun.

1638
00:58:30,089 --> 00:58:32,383
You've been amazing.

1639
00:58:32,467 --> 00:58:34,177
I've been fuckable, hopefully.

1640
00:58:34,260 --> 00:58:36,054
Good night, you guys.
Thank you so much.

1641
00:58:36,137 --> 00:58:37,430
Thank you.

1642
00:58:37,513 --> 00:58:40,433
[cheers and applause]

1643
00:58:40,516 --> 00:58:43,811
[Metric's "Gimme Sympathy"]

1644
00:58:43,895 --> 00:58:46,689
- ♪ Sign me up ♪

1645
00:58:46,773 --> 00:58:50,902
♪ Got no time
to take a picture ♪

1646
00:58:50,985 --> 00:58:54,405
♪ I'll remember someday ♪

1647
00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:56,908
♪ All the chances we took ♪

1648
00:58:56,991 --> 00:58:58,910
♪ ♪

1649
00:58:58,993 --> 00:59:01,204
♪ We're so close ♪

1650
00:59:01,287 --> 00:59:03,790
♪ To something
better left unknown ♪

1651
00:59:03,873 --> 00:59:05,500
♪ ♪

1652
00:59:11,589 --> 00:59:14,092
[bright tone]