This programme contains struggles with gambling and addiction.
BIRDSONG
People know me as ex-England and Arsenal footballer.
Oh, cheers, Paul. Is that all right? Thank you. Pleasure.
But in more recent years,
with my struggles with drinking and gambling.
DOG BARKS
Hiya, morning.
A short time ago, I was asked to take a walk in Yorkshire.
A beautiful spot close to where I once lived.
Sounded great. A walk in the park.
But what happened and what I discovered surprised me
and will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Beautiful morning.
This is unreal.
You know, the wealthiest people in the world are
the people that live in the moment.
Cos so many people worry about yesterday and tomorrow
and it's all about today,
and just taking this kind of stuff in.
It just passes us by every day really, this kind of stuff.
How times change.
A few years back, I was just getting in now.
I mean, the sound I used to hear every morning was the rattling
of the milk bottles when I was just getting in, going to bed.
To stand here four, five, six years ago
and I wouldn't have been able to see any of this.
And now, being in the present,
being in the moment, it's just amazing, absolutely beautiful.
Starting above Lastingham in
the North York Moors, I'll pass through the village
and head west along Spaunton Moor to Hutton-le-Hole,
a quirky Yorkshire village with a rich heritage.
Then onwards and upwards to The Nab
and across Douthwaite Dale, before finishing at
the surprise view in Gillamoor.
Although I'm walking by myself, I'm carrying this camera on
a selfie stick, which films me and everything around me.
RAIN PATTERS
I don't mind this weather.
I can't believe how quickly the clouds have come
straight over from over the hills there.
It's nice to be out.
I am a morning person - I do,
I do like getting up early in the mornings,
but I don't get to go on these kind of walks.
I've got a one-year-old,
a four-year-old and a seven-year-old,
so when the kids get up in the morning,
a couple of cups of coffee
and just have a little 15 minutes on my own before
the manic starts at home before school.
And then, try and get a walk with my wife, Kate,
and the baby.
But that's through the town where we live and we try
and do a couple of miles a day if we can.
But it's nothing like this, I mean, this is absolutely amazing.
I don't know what they call that stuff, but you don't
want to get on that in a golf course.
What you find strange is that I can hear
the rain hitting my jacket.
At home, when we're walking, you don't really hear that
cos of the cars and the traffic and, and the hustle and bustle.
See how quiet it is and serene.
It's so nice to be out here today
and living in the moment. Being present.
I haven't had it too much in my life, if I'm being honest.
You know, nearly 54 and,
and today, I've, at this moment I have that.
To have that calmness is something that I've searched
for all my life really.
You know, even I can feel
the rain whacking against my face now and it's nice. It's nice.
Uh...
Right. Let me see how I'm going to do this.
SPLASH
Oh, no!
No, Paul.
Right. Here we go.
# One... One, two, three One, two, three, four, five
# Six, seven, eight Nine, ten
# Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. #
Argh! Aargh!
HE LAUGHS
See, that's what happens when you get
the London boy walking in the countryside.
But, all OK.
Oh!
HE SIGHS
Right. Composure.
HE LAUGHS
You've got to laugh at yourself.
If you don't laugh at yourself, you've got no chance.
You know I have eight, I have eight children.
I've been married three times, you know, through addictions.
I used to think I was a...
I always thought of myself as a good dad.
You know, I think the kids would say, "My dad, he tries his hardest."
I wasn't a great husband.
I'm just learning to be a,
a good husband now, if I'm being honest,
where you meet halfway.
Every day I do try my hardest
and that's only cos of my addictions
and what it's done to my head really.
I was a very nervous kid.
I struggled with attachment really, always wanting to be with my dad.
I got very nervous on a football pitch.
Nowadays, I think we'd say it was anxiety, which,
probably in them days, wasn't really used as a word.
I went to the doctor's one day and my mum said,
"He keeps on getting palpitations and can't breathe."
The doctor just said straight away "Stop playing football."
And I carried on playing, I'd become to cope with that,
and then I found gambling and drinking and...
it just took me into a different world really.
Give me confidence, belief,
took away my worry, for the moment.
I mean, there's a bull in this field, I mean...
..I've got a red rucksack on and that's a bull.
I played football,
I'm not the bravest, I'm not going to lie.
I never bet to win lorry-loads of money really.
I thought I did but...it just took me out the way I felt
and that carried on and then, you start drinking
and gambling and then, all of a sudden, you finish,
you don't come home, you let people down round you.
You let everybody down.
And then, you lose that self-worth, you know,
your respect and then, you hate yourself.
Uh...
Yeah, and, and then, you know what?
You think, I don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to feel worthless, you know, and lose my respect.
And then you think, right, what can I do? And you go,
you know what I do.
I go and have a drink and a bet again cos that
takes me out the way I feel.
And it's just a spiral.
It's just a spiral, it's just...constant.
For all the money that you lose in gambling,
it's not the money, you know, it's, it's time.
You lose time. You know,
you miss out on things like this, you know, I've...
You know, I, I see things now.
I never used to see things
and I don't think people understand that when you're in addictions.
You don't see stuff.
It's like...I see everything around me today,
I'm aware.
You know, I have a big tree in our garden
and I've only just realised now
that the leaves on the tree change colours,
and I'd never, ever seen that.
And if you see our garden, you'd go, "That's impossible."
Addiction took me away from this kind of stuff.
And this is the first time I've ever, ever done this,
walked in the big countryside.
BIRDSONG
Birds singing, serene.
HORSES CLOP, LADIES CHATTER
Morning. Morning. Morning.
Oh, it's come alive, this little village.
You're seeing people around now, all getting out at
the morning. Chatting away,
probably everybody knows each other.
BIRDSONG
It's a lot of things coming back now, like,
father-in-law passed away not long ago and...
you know, and it not really sunk in, if I'm being honest.
And my wife has definitely, course, it's her dad, but...
he was a good man and...
Well, a great man, not a good man, a great man.
GATE SQUEAKS
And just coming
and walking now...
..really hitting home... that he's gone.
Sometimes...I can be a bit... a bit cold.
That's what my addictions has done to me really.
And it's just hitting home being here,
not with the hustle and bustle and,
and being able to...
GATE CLANGS
really...sit
with my feelings, which I don't really usually get to do.
Just...I should be there for my wife a lot more.
Welcome to St Mary's. It's a lovely morning now.
It's absolutely beautiful out, yeah.
Are you OK? You having a good morning? Uh, well,
we're going to have a service at about quarter to 11,
but plenty of time for you to wander around. Brilliant.
Can I sit down for five minutes and just...?
Of course you can. Sit wherever you like. Thank you very much.
It's nice to have peace and quiet in church.
I know, yeah. Thank you.
Yeah, and I just... Addiction makes you cold.
Looking back now, I haven't, I haven't really...had,
hadn't had death in the family. Thank God my mum
and dad are still alive, and my brothers and sisters
and the kids and...
and friends, and I don't...
Maybe I haven't been there enough
for my wife in her time of need with her dad.
Cos I, I haven't really understood it.
If someone talked to me about addictions for,
you know, I can sit and talk for days and days cos I know about it,
and I've had experiences about it,
but I haven't had experiences about death.
And I've, I have found it hard
and probably haven't been there for my wife as much.
But again, it's only when you come away
and you sit with your feelings... that I understand that now
and I will be there. I am there for her
but I just don't think I've been there enough.
You know, I say my prayers every morning and every night to,
to stay away from my addictions
and just try and be the best person I can be really.
I'm never going to be perfect, I know that.
But just need to be a nice person, be kind.
God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
It's a prayer that I,
I, literally, sometimes have to say ten times in
a minute just to get me to where I am.
God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I'm going to be quiet now for five minutes
and just take this in and,
and have a moment and pray for... for my father-in-law.
BELL TOLLS
I mean, faith, I think it's important to have faith.
I think some people are religious, some people ain't and,
you know, that's everybody's opinion,
but it, it definitely helped me. Especially the meetings, I mean...
AA and GA, I mean, it's...
if you're not well, you go to the doctor's
and get your medicine, and, and that's what a
GA meeting's like, Gamblers Anonymous meetings
and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are like.
If you don't go, you're not getting your medicine,
you're not going to get well.
If you don't get well, then it's only one,
one way it's gonna, one way it's gonna end up
and that's back doing what you were doing.
So, yeah, I have...
I have faith.
Sometimes, of course, with what everything that goes on in
the world, we do question it,
but definitely without the GA and AA,
you know, I, I wouldn't be able to live the life I live now.
Even though my wife's great and she is great
and she understands me,
I still need them meetings
to be around people that have been in my position before
and have had that experience, strength and hope.
Yeah, it's a massive thing for me.
You know, I, I do believe there is a God,
I do believe there is. You know,
I don't think for everything I did, you know,
like, and I still got to play football is,
is a miracle really. It's a miracle.
I-I do look at that like someone was looking over me at all times.
My wife goes to church and her mother-in-law goes, Kay, and...
I don't know anybody who doesn't come out of church
and doesn't feel better. Now,
if that's the case, how does it not work?
It's like meetings,
never been in a meeting and come out worse, you know?
So, for me it works.
I do believe.
Wow, look at that. Blown away really.
I've never been anywhere like this before in my life.
No, it's just, can't...
You just wouldn't think this was England. I don't know...
I don't know why but you just wouldn't think this was England.
I mean, look at that, it's like for miles.
Oh, no. I'm not taking another fall.
Right. Let's work this out, guys.
I'm going to go big rock...
..little rock, big rock.
Ah, straight in.
Straight in.
Right.
Yeah. I'm away.
Argh.
Seriously.
All I can feel now here is...
Is the wind on the back of my head.
I can really, really feel that.
Like, you know what?
That probably happens every single day of my life.
But I can feel it today.
I'm in the moment, I can feel it.
Morning. Morning.
How are you? Good.
Nice walk? Yeah, yeah.
Hey, I recognise you. Yeah, he's a footballer.
Oh, do you? Footballer, retired footballer.
Yes! Hello, how are you? Oh, fine, thank you.
Do you do this every Sunday? Yeah, more or less.
It's lovely, innit?
It's just good for the soul, know what I mean?
Oh, yeah, 100%. Absolutely beautiful.
It just takes you out of everything else,
your mind clears. It's just wonderful.
You're right what you say, I mean that's exactly
how I felt in my mind, you're like...
Cos where I live it's... You know, it's...
It's hustle and bustle, do you know what I mean?
You still live in London, do you? Yeah.
So... But here it's just... It's that sereneness, you know.
I always say to people, you know,
if you've got issues, get out there. Yeah.
Do your walking. Get... You know, we only live a couple of miles away.
Yeah. So for us this is our local patch.
Oh, that's lovely, innit?
So, I mean, we can go out whenever we want, you know.
This is amazing. Absolutely amazing.
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
And there's a good pub as well.
I walk past pubs now. I don't walk into pubs any more.
Oh! That's a nice one. If you do want a pint, there's a nice one.
You can have a soft drink. Yeah, I could have a soft drink.
That's like going in the hairdressers.
If you go in the hairdressers,
go in there every day of the week you'll have
a haircut by the end of the week.
That's a shame. Can we think of a good cafe?
A nice black coffee.
Anyway, nice... And you, nice to meet you.
I wish you all the best.
Have a lovely day. Take care. Bye-bye.
That's the thing when you come out,
you do meet lovely people as well, you know.
There's... Again when you live in London, it's the hustle and bustle,
everybody's walking with their head on the floor
and it's 100 mile an hour, and I understand that.
People have got to get to work and things to do.
But, you know, it's very rare anybody says, "How are you?"
If you turned round and went,
"No, I'm not really good at the moment, struggling,"
people would just walk off, they don't really listen,
they're just saying it for the sake of saying it.
You know, with addictions you have to talk.
Addiction wants you on your own.
It wants you on your own.
It don't want you talking to people.
It wants you on your own, so it can feed,
you know, it can feed you.
You know, and you do what you do, and...
And that's why it's important to talk to people.
Cos you don't know who's struggling.
You don't know.
No-one ever knows who the person is.
It's quite hidden, and people sometimes are ashamed.
So, it's nice to talk.
Right, is this gate a Krypton Factor job or what?
Urgh.
Right, come on, Paul.
Ah, done it.
Krypton Factor.
Argh, argh. Oh, seriously.
That's seven times I've nearly fallen now.
I need to put some studs in these boots.
PAUL LAUGHS
Oh, here come the sheep.
Here they come.
Look at that, that's just amazing!
The way them dogs gather them sheep and dictate them
and go wherever they want to go.
They're off.
Wow! Look at that, eggs for sale.
Oh, my God. They've got eggs for sale there.
Wow.
Trustworthy place, huh?
Amazing.
Fresh, like, eggs. Imagine getting up in the morning,
walking here and getting your eggs, going home.
Cooking egg and bacon.
From where I come from, it's a different world.
I used to live in North Yorkshire
for about eight months in Hutton Rudby,
the place was called.
It was a Middlesbrough clubhouse.
And I lived there with my brother,
and then Gazza moved in with us,
with Jimmy Five Bellies.
And this was round the corner.
And we never went out, like,
as you do in them days when you're younger.
Played football, went home, trained, drunk.
And we never went out walking.
I mean, the only time we ever walked was probably to the pub.
So, that was probably about it.
Yeah, I won't beat myself up about it but it would have been nice.
It would have been nice to do them kind of things and get out
but I didn't know any different.
I didn't have a choice, you know, I was an alcoholic and,
and a compulsive gambler and I,
I was ill and I didn't know I was ill,
so I didn't have a choice. Today I have a choice.
So I can come out and choose to go
on this absolute stunning, beautiful walk.
Hello. Hiya, morning, you OK? THEY RESPOND INDISTINCTLY
Good.
Yeah, absolutely amazing, amazing.
I've been on a few walks into Richmond or Kingston,
but you're always looking on the floor cos you always,
if there's anything you might fall over or trip over.
So you don't really get to see everything around you.
STREAM GURGLES
And that lovely noise of the stream.
It just...
It's just that noise is lovely.
GURGLE OF STREAM CONTINUES
It's just flowing.
And there's two different noises of the stream.
One where it's coming through,
where it's coming through there like at a pace
and it's making a different noise.
And then when you get down to there, it's a completely different noise.
BIRDS TWEET
You know, you can hear a couple of birds singing,
but nothing like first thing this morning when I set out.
When you get in the moment and you sort of,
you, you can stand still and you can be in the present,
the amount of things you hear and see are,
are quite extraordinary, really.
And as I said before, I mean,
with my addiction and getting in early in the morning
and get two hours' sleep, you know,
them birds singing was like ah, you know,
I just wanted to throw a brick at the tree, if I'm being honest,
just to make 'em fly away.
But, you know, now, I, I love that sound again...
BIRD TWEETS
STREAM GURGLES
Beautiful.
Haven't got a care in the world.
BIRDS TWEET, PIGEON COOS
DOG BARKS
CLAIRE: Good girl.
I wonder if everybody knows everybody and,
you know, I think, like, what's it like at Christmas?
Does everybody get together or is there...
..people that don't talk to people and don't like each other?
Or does everybody go to The Crown pub?
But when I go on holiday I, like, I look at people
and I think, I wonder what they do at night-time,
what they do. Do they, like, watch telly,
do they have their dinner and then they settle down and watch telly?
And I just, I wonder what their lives are like.
DOG BARKS
CHILDREN CHATTER INDISTINCTLY
CHILD LAUGHS
BAGPIPER PLAYS SCOTLAND THE BRAVE
I know I've been walking a long way,
but I'm not in Scotland yet, am I? Seriously, am I?
I think that's got to be the hardest thing in the world to do,
isn't it, is play the bagpipes? One of 'em.
I mean, it's got to be easier to learn German, innit?
MUSIC CONTINUES
Wow, look at that.
So hard to play.
MUSIC STOPS
Amazing.
Thank you. How long have you learned how to play them?
Uh, well, since I was eight years old.
Um, I've, I've been playing since I was 11,
uh, on the, the actual great pipes.
And been in a band for ten years.
Call me naive,
but what's the difference between a bagpipe and that pipe?
Uh, well, this is a bagpipe. OK.
Um, but, uh,
when you're a learner you start with, uh, just this, with this...
Oh, OK. ..called a, called the practice chanter.
And when you're, you're old enough, you get what's called
the Goose, which is basically
these, with a bag, but no drones.
And then, as you progress,
you get your drones fitted and one by one,
they, they come out.
So, I started out with just these two when
I got given my drones. Now I'm with all three.
Is it as hard to play as what we think?
Um, well, well, yes and, and no.
It's kind of like weightlifting, plus breath control,
plus hand-eye coordination and memory to boot.
And where are you from? Uh, originally Edinburgh but, uh...
Oh, really? Yeah, but moved down age five to, to Yorkshire, so...
Wow, you don't, yeah, your accent seems like further south.
No, uh, uh, no, not from further south.
HE LAUGHS
What about the neighbours, happy with you playing?
Oh, yeah, delighted. Yeah?
Delighted. We're all neighbourly around here.
We respect each other's wishes.
Oh, OK, brilliant. Well, I wish you all the best.
Oh, thank you. Take care.
And that was amazing, thank you. Thank you. Take care.
I mean, what a lovely village, wow.
It'll be interesting, like this is a lovely Sunday morning.
I wonder what it's like Monday,
I wonder if they're all running round hectic like maniacs,
like, rushing around.
Like, eating their toast on the way
to work as they run out the door.
Or is it all calm and collected like this?
It's like something you see in a film, really.
Everything about it, it's, like, perfect.
I imagine in the summer it's absolutely mind-blowing.
I mean, people would be out on the green playing,
kids in the stream, beautiful.
I wonder what it would have been like if,
if I was born in a village.
Would I have been a professional footballer?
Oh, he's got the Boro on.
Up the Boro. Oh, wow.
How are you, you all right? Yeah, good, you?
Yeah, good form, thank you.
Hello, mate, what's your name, little one?
What's your name? Tommy Durrant.
We've just been to Gillamoor, haven't we?
Played football at Gillamoor. Yeah?
Then we come up here, we treat him to a milkshake.
Oh, what's your favourite one?
Strawberry. Strawberry?
Yeah, that's my favourite, I might go and get one after.
Right, Tommy, I better go. Yeah, well, say bye. Bye.
Tommy, see you later, I hope you have a nice milkshake.
Say bye, say thank you very much. Thank you...
See you later, thank you, take care. Up the Boro. Up the Boro.
Up the Boro.
I left Boro in a bit of a bad way
and I think the fans didn't like me when I left,
but they didn't really understand my circumstances and why I left.
I didn't leave on good terms.
It's always something I look back on and think,
you know, I hope the fans understood that,
you know, I had a great season the year before.
And we got promoted, which was my job, or part of it.
And then I left, but it was that,
that was the reason I left, was my addictions were,
were kicking in bad at the time.
So, I needed to get home.
So, hopefully they'll understand that, hopefully.
DOGS PANT
Thanks goodness it's not raining like it was this morning.
Yeah, it's so much better. Oh, so much better.
If it wasn't for my dad, I wouldn't have been a footballer.
I mean, the sacrifice that he had to make taking me to,
all the way to Highbury on a,
on a Monday and a Thursday to train.
You don't really,
really get to sit down and say that to my dad if you know what I mean.
I've never really sat down and said to my dad thank you.
But, yeah...
..I've never really sat down with my dad and said thank you.
You know, we didn't have a lot.
My dad was a coalman.
Lived on a council estate...
So, we didn't have a lot,
but my dad made sure he took me everywhere.
And that's why I'm trying to do that for my boy now,
my youngest boy Freddy, he's seven.
I've got three older boys, Charlie, Ben and Sam
and Sam is a good footballer.
And I wasn't around to take him everywhere to be a footballer and...
..I sort of blame myself for that.
Because I, I got divorced and I moved club.
I left Arsenal,
went to Boro and then me and his mum got divorced.
And I lived in Birmingham.
And I wasn't there to take him all round
the place like my dad took me.
And to give him a chance and...
..that hurts a bit cos I should have.
Argh, argh, argh, whoa.
That reminds me, I used to be coming out the pub like that.
But I loved playing football, I just,
it's all I know, really.
It's all I know.
You know, if you sat down,
I could talk about football all day, every day.
But, oh, wow.
Anything else, big regrets, really.
You know, there's a lot of things.
I can't really read, I'm dyslexic.
My wife's a school teacher
and if I'm writing texts out I, I literally now have to ask her,
cos where to put a full stop and a comma and, you know,
and the way the kids are now with
the way they spell things. Like... puh, ahh, ruh.
I mean, I say to my wife, "How do you spell this?"
and she'll like go, "It's...tuh, huh,"
and I go, "No, just tell me, is it T H?"
You know, I don't, I don't understand all them letters.
I should have done more at school, I really should have.
What is this?
Oh,
it's not Krypton Factor, that was easy.
The things I worry about now is I'm an old dad.
So I've got a one-year-old,
a four-year-old and a seven-year-old.
And I sit there sometimes and I, I think,
you know, how long have I got?
If I've got 20 years left, which is, which is a lot of years, that's 74.
You know, and you hear people that are dying younger than that.
I think, you know, I'm not going to see my kids grow up.
And that,
that scares me to death, if I'm being honest.
That's how my mind works sometimes,
I can be living in the day and then I'm thinking,
you know, what about when Sadie's 21?
You know, she's one years old.
I mean, every now and then I, I get that fear now and it's,
it's something that, you know,
I have to look into, what it is and,
and trying to understand why, why I get like that.
But I accept today the way I am.
I like Paul today.
I don't,
I don't look at Paul any more and think,
"Cor, I can't stand you, I hate you."
And when you're like that
I don't see how you can love anybody else when you don't like yourself.
And that's why I probably struggled over the years.
But now I can give my love to my wife cos I,
uh, you know, I like myself. I like Paul.
And that's nice.
Uh, I've always wanted to be someone else.
Every time I meet someone, I'm like, "I wish I was like him,
"I wish I was like him." You know, I'd always be,
I'd always be itchy in my own skin, it was really weird.
Always uncomfortable.
But today I don't, you know, today I like being me.
You know, I respect me now.
I didn't used to respect me.
People used to come up to me and go "Oh, my God, you're a legend.
"Oh, you're, you're brilliant," and I used to...
The first thing I used to say to people was, "No, I'm not,
"no, I'm not, no, don't say that."
Cos I used to think if you knew what I was doing you wouldn't think
I was like that. I'm horrible.
And today I can stand there and people will go to me
and they go, "Oh, you're a legend," and, and all I could say,
or they say "What a great player," like that,
is thank you, thank you. It's so simple,
two words, thank you.
It's their, their opinion and I,
I can, I'm happy with that now.
I don't have to sit there and go, "Oh, no, no, I'm not."
And to accept that I'm, I am, I'm a nice person.
I'm a nice person.
Just an ill person trying to get well.
And just standing up here now and reflecting on my life so far.
Some memories stick and they're so important.
And they last forever.
And if it wasn't for my dad I wouldn't have been who I am now.
It just makes me reflect on
a poem written by Michael Josephson -
What Will Matter.
"What will matter is not your success
"but your significance.
"What will matter is not what you learn
"but what you taught.
"What will matter is every act of integrity,
"compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched,
"empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
"What will matter is not your competence but your character."
HE INHALES
EXHALES
Right, here we go.
Argh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ooh!
Ooh.
Urgh, ooh.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, easy, brrr.
CHUCKLING: I'm like Bambi on ice, I am.
You feel like your own, the only person on the Earth.
Just on your own.
You feel like you're the only person in the world at the moment.
It's just the quietness.
Really strange, you just don't,
I don't get this quietness.
There's just no noise at all.
Just me talking.
Hi. How are you?
Yeah, good.
How are far are you running?
Oh, maybe about ten miles.
Really? Yeah.
You don't find it hard, it's a bit uneven, innit?
All part of the fun, isn't it?
But don't you find it psychologically...?
Because it's so open and I don't like running on the streets,
but at least it's left, right, le...
You don't see like... Like here it's just miles in the distance.
Do you know what I mean?
What, do you think it's a bit,
overwhelming or something or a bit like...?
Yeah, I ju... I don't see the end.
Yeah, you like to have a goal, you mean?
Yeah, do you know what I mean? I like to have a goal.
"I'm heading for there. That's where I'm going."
Yeah, and that's it. Yeah.
But here I just feel it's like, it's never-ending, it's like.
Maybe I suppose it's kind of like enjoying the moment,
rather than like this is my destination.
Yeah.
And I suppose that's like different reasons why peop...
I suppose that's different reasons why people run or do things,
isn't it? Yeah. Some people do it for the goals.
Do you know what I mean, like?
It's always trying to be faster, stronger.
And then, then you sort of learn to actually,
I'm here, I'm feeling good.
Today it's been nice, like I have lived in the moment,
do you know what I mean?
So you've just been able to just...
Yeah, take it in and it's been, it's been,
I'm not saying it's been easy,
cos, like, a lot's come up while I've been walking,
do you know what I mean?
Where it wouldn't have really come up in before.
Yeah, I know we appreciate the good days.
And a bit more random, like, I take my wife sometimes for granted.
I'm, I don't mean that in a horrible way,
but, you know, but she's amazing, really.
And, you know, the way she understands me, you know?
When I'm away and I,
and I'm at, like, things like this or I'm away from home,
I appreciate her so much more, if you know what I mean.
And when I'm with her, it's like... Aw, I know, the day to day.
She's moaning at me again. I saw you on telly a few months ago
and I think you have done a lot of good, you know...
Oh. ..by putting yourself out there. It must be really hard.
Yeah. Thank you.
And I, and I too... And I took it with me actually, yeah, yeah.
Oh, thank you, I appreciate that.
I'm glad I've met you actually to say that.
Oh, do you? No, thank you. Honestly. Yeah.
I came away that you were a good person.
Oh, cheers, I am a good person. Just remember that.
I am, thank you. And I'm sure your wife sometimes believes that.
Yeah, she does. Take care. Nice to see you.
Bye-bye, have a good day, bye.
It's nice when you meet people like that.
HAMMERING
BIRDSONG
At 53, I appreciate this now, this walk.
You know, I'm not trying to chase anything today.
The thing I probably appreciate more than anything is how...
..how much I love my wife, really.
You know, how great she is to me and...
..you know, when I come a step away, I just realise how much I love her
and how much she's been a rock for me
and helped me through some bad times.
Bad times.
And she's been there for me and it takes...
..it takes things like this, where there's no distractions,
there's no phone,
there's no internet,
there's no TV.
And it's, like, just walking in the fresh air
in the middle of nowhere with quietness and stillness.
You just appreciate how much I love my wife
and what an amazing person she is.
But I do have to give myself credit sometimes and think...
..you know, and remember where I was and...
..you know, that I wanted to... You know, I wanted to kill myself.
I wanted to do that a lot of times. So...
..it's important to...
HE GRUNTS
..to remember, you know, where I was
and give myself, you know, credit for that.
GENTLE BIRDSONG
You know, where I've been, where...
You know, when I've wanted to, you know, kill myself...
..you know, and tried to end it all, cos I didn't see a way out,
I didn't see how I could stop drinking or gambling
and letting my wife down constantly,
you know, I-I'd have never been able to do all this kind of stuff.
This was never in my wildest dreams,
that I could come out and do a walk like this,
and I think that's for everybody out there that there -
there is hope. There is hope.
I mean, I... You know, when I'm quite down -
and I do get down days, I'm not going to sit here and say I don't -
I play REM - Everybody Hurts.
I think it's, it's a poignant song,
I think it's a song to... hang in to there.
To hang in there when you're... when times are dark.
You know, some people think, "Oh, it's a depressing song,"
and all that but I just... You know, it's a song that I...
..that I put on cos it does remind me -
everybody... You know, you're not alone.
And I think, you know, when you want to kill yourself,
it's a...it's a proper thing of being on your own
and you think you're the only person, no-one loves you,
you let people down, everybody hates you.
And, you know, I just think that song, REM - Everybody Hurts,
I just think, you know, there's lines in that
when it just says, "Hold on. Hold on."
HE EXHALES
It saddens me that I even thought about doing what I wanted -
to kill myself. It's...
That's how dark it gets.
HE SNIFFS
And I sit here now and I think, "How did I get like that?"
But it does, it comes on quickly.
You know, it's something that...just comes.
And if you don't talk and then it gets worse and worse and...
I just think that's why it's important to talk,
get out in the fresh air.
BIRDSONG
Look at that.
Thank God I'm still here and I can enjoy it. I can enjoy this.
BIRDSONG
HE PANTS
Come on, Paul.
WATER TRICKLES
Who would have thought in their wildest dreams
that Paul Merson would be doing a walking programme,
talking about his life and the countryside? And I...
That, for me, shows how much I've...I've come on in my life,
that I can get asked to do things like this now.
But I don't want it to end there. You know, this is just the start.
Phwoar!
HE PANTS
Like life - keep on going.
Sometimes it's an uphill battle. Just got to keep on going.
And then it levels itself out.
And sometimes it's straight,
and sometimes it's even great and it's downhill
and you just slide with life.
Then it gets harder.
And you go uphill like this again.
Just hanging in there. Just hanging in there.
But the good days outweigh the bad days by a long way.
By a long way.
HE SIGHS
I try and get the message across to people...
I mean, if it helps one person, it's more than one -
it helps their family, it helps their kids or their mum and dad
or their brothers and sisters and their friends understand.
And that's what I just wanted to give people or someone out there -
a chance to be able to change their life around,
and for the better.
WINGS FLUTTER
Amazing.
I see colour. Wow.
And mud, green, and then you get a snowdrop.
HE PANTS
Oh.
Look at that sun.
Oh, well, you can't write that.
The village of Gillamoor.
# Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! #
Ah...
Feels we're on the top of the world.
Sat on some benches in my time but this is a... Oh!
What a bench.
Ah...
Imagine you come and getting up and sitting here every morning.
Wow.
They must be queuing up to sit on this bench. Every day.
BIRDSONG
This walk has really taught me how fortunate I am,
how lucky I am and what a... and what a life I've had so far.
I needed today just to... just with a clear head,
cos, you know, when you've got three little kids
and you're in that hectic life of get up in the morning,
get ready, get to school, drop 'em off, that's life.
Of course it is - that's life for a lot of people.
And I understand that and I love that, I wouldn't swap it.
But sometimes you take the people that love you very dearly
for granted. And I just think today has...
..has really helped me really hit home how much my wife helps me
and how much I love her and how fortunate I am to be with her.
And I've never really said that to her.
Who would have thought a walk in Yorkshire in the winter
would have made me feel like this?
Very blessed today that I've been able to do what I've done
and I really, really loved today. Really loved it.
Can't wait to get home now and see my wife and kids,
and tell my wife how much I love her.
BIRDSONG