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Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Virzi!
Thank you.
Thank you guys so much.
Thank you, guys. All right.
Yes!
Thank you guys so much.
All right. All right, thank you.
Thank you guys so much for coming out during these crazy times.
Life's getting normal again, everybody. Life is getting normal again.
I fucking hate it. I--
All right, I am gonna miss this pandemic.
Guys, I have been lazy on a level lately that's been criminal.
Okay?
I've been in sweatpants for 14 months doing dick,
and it has been glorious.
It-- I--
I--
I was so lazy during this shit.
One day, I pop up on the couch, go, "Shit."
My wife goes, "What?" I go, "I gotta get the mail."
Going to my mailbox was on my to-do list.
I was like, "I don't know, might be windy, maybe I'll go tomorrow."
"Not paying bills anyway. Fuck it."
But you guys came out 'cause you're smart.
You know what most of us knew from the beginning.
COVID's fake.
I'm kidding.
Some people take that seriously.
Like, "That's what I'm talking about. I've been saying it!"
"That's a liberal virus!" Eh!
"That can't penetrate a patriot."
"I got Republican antibodies in me. Shit!"
"My Republican antibodies will kick that China shit."
I'm gonna miss the COVID excuse, right?
When it's gone, you don't have it. Can't fuck with the COVID excuse.
You don't wanna go to a party, people ask, "Coming?"
"Nah, man. COVID, man. COVID."
"COVID. I don't wanna, you know."
"People getting sick. I don't feel comfortable."
I use that for everything.
You call your family on the holidays? "COVID."
Debt collectors? That was my favorite.
"This is an attempt to collect--"
I'm like, "Who's thinking of money at a time like this?"
"People are dying, sir!"
"I know I'm 38k in the hole,
but those are emotional support snowmobiles I got."
"I'm stressed out!"
But let's talk about the vaccination. Let's get it awkward in here.
Everybody's worried about talking about the vaccination.
Listen, I talked to my doctor.
I got vaccinated. It's a decision that I made.
But I understand people that don't want to.
If you don't, it's your body. You don't know what's gonna happen later.
I get that. I just don't like my friends who don't make sense not getting vaxxed.
I got friends talking all kinds of shit.
"I'm not taking that shit!"
"I don't know what's in it. Fuck that! I'm not taking that!"
"I don't know what they're putting in my body."
"You smoke two packs of cigarettes a day!"
"And you're 350 pounds!"
"Take the shit, dick."
Better than what you're putting in your body.
"Yeah, give me the cocaine and chocolate, but leave those antibodies."
"No, give me the drugs, leave those antibodies."
But this put things into perspective, didn't it?
Life got put into perspective. At least for me it did.
COVID put things into perspective.
I cut things out of my life that don't make sense.
Like, I'm done talking to the Uber driver. I don't do it anymore.
'Cause I'm too nice of a guy,
so I would get in too deep with the conversation.
Ever have that happen? You start with a small pleasantry,
then you find yourself in some long…
"How you doing today?"
Driver's like, "In my country right now…" You're like, "Ah, fuck."
"Yeah, dude, I didn't mean it. I…"
"I don't give a fuck. I--"
"Matter of fact, there's a lot going on in my country, okay?"
"How about you give me a piece of candy and let me close my eyes for ten minutes?"
"I'm already pissed off I'm going to LaGuardia."
Now I'm thinking of this guy's kids when I'm sleeping.
This is what kind of nice dickhead I am. This is how stupid, overly naive--
I'm in a car going to the airport.
Indian driver, just met the guy, 30 seconds. Just met him.
He goes, "Sir, when's your flight?"
"Three hours." He goes, "Oh, you got time."
"You wanna go to a restaurant with me?"
And I go, "Yeah!" What the fuck?
"I just said yes to a blind date with an Indian man."
I'm married, with children.
See, what you guys don't understand about comedy is,
when you see comedy, you just see this.
You just see the comedian you paid to see, you watch our specials,
you see our YouTube clips.
You don't see the driving, you don't see the traveling.
Tonight, I'll be on the road, all hours, going to Westchester 'cause I'm rich.
No, I'm kidding. My wife is killing it.
My wife, she bought me these sneakers.
-Um…
Hey, it's a woman's world, right? Go get it, ladies!
-Go! Go get it!
I'll tell dick jokes in a mall. Go get that money.
And when you drive as much as comedians on the highway,
you deal with a lot of police.
I just had this one thing happen.
Ever have a cop drive behind you for a really, really awkwardly long time
without ever turning his lights on?
Look, the Black dude's like, "Yes, yes, I have. I…"
"On the way here tonight. We weren't even going to a show."
"We decided to duck into the mall."
That is the scariest shit, when a cop is behind you for a long time.
And I'm talking miles. Right?
Like 19 miles.
You talk to yourself, "Maybe he's going this way. I don't know."
And you make a left, he makes a left, right?
Then you start talking to yourself in the rearview.
"What the fuck is this guy…"
"I didn't do anything. This guy's a dick!"
You start making shit up that didn't even happen?!
When a cop drives behind you for a long time without turning on lights,
that's the same feeling if your wife or girl
is scrolling through your phone in front of you.
You know you did nothing wrong,
but you don't know what's gonna happen, right?
Don't know if a wise-ass friend is gonna send a pic of his dick
with the caption, "We doing this or what?"
Then I gotta tell my wife, "No, I'm not fucking Gary, it's just a--"
"It's just a dick pic. It's Christmas. It's--"
"He put a wreath around his dick. It's a--"
"It's a goof. I'm not fucking…"
Trying to lose weight, man. Still donate 20 a month to Planet Fitness.
Yo, Planet Fitness is like the hospice of gyms.
Everybody knows it's gonna end bad,
they just want to make you as comfortable as possible.
You know a gym is shitty when it's that cheap. Ever go?
It's like a drug deal to get a membership.
"Yo, come here, let me talk to you for a second."
"You got $7.50, man? I'll give you ten years."
"My manager's watching."
This is how fat and lazy we are in this country.
We're so fat and lazy in America,
our gyms have to have slogans now to motivate us.
Right? It used to be, "Come, get the silver, gold, platinum."
Now it's, you know, this cute shit.
Planet Fitness is-- What is it? "Judgement Free Zone."
"Hey, you fat fucks, get in here! No, it's fine!"
"Bring the sandwich. You got mayo on your lip."
"Doesn't matter. We'll tape the windows, you fucking monster. Get in here!"
"Get in here, you fucking--"
"Judgement Free."
It's a nice gesture, but I'm thinking, where are all these other gyms
that are apparently bullying and mocking people?
'Cause I've yet to go to a gym and have someone be like,
"Oh my God!"
"Look at this fucking moose. Look at this."
"Bob, 20 bucks this kid's got the bad diabetes. Which is the bad one?"
"Which is the bad one, one or two? Tim!"
"This kid's gonna lose a foot in two weeks."
"Let's go around and judge him for a while. Let's--"
It's hard.
It's hard to lose weight, right? Hard to be in shape.
Older you get, every meal's, "Don't get fat."
Every meal, is there sugar, is there gluten?
Right? It's hard for me too. I got kids, they always have candy, you know?
My daughter skips by, a trail of gummy bears behind her.
I'm eating that shit, guys.
But I believe this statement 100%.
I truly believe that the person that loves you the most,
that you're sitting next to in this room, that you sleep next to every night,
that person, your wife, your husband, your partner, your trans, your thing.
Dunno what I can say,
but I'm not getting canceled next to a Dave and Buster's.
Whatever-- Whatever I can say, okay?
But that person… that person does not want you to be in great shape.
Listen to me, ladies, I'm on to you, ladies.
Listen to me! Listen t right now.
The woman in your life, they want you to be in decent shape.
They want you to be healthy.
But the woman in your life, make no mistake,
they want something about you that's a little unfuckable.
They want something that's a little off because it puts pressure on them.
Right?
As soon as I start getting my shit together,
as soon as I start feeling better, I smell my wife baking cookies.
I say, "What the fuck? I told you--"
"I just told you this shirt fits better. Why?"
"Why is-- Is that chocolate chip? What the fuck?"
Then she plays stupid. "What do you mean? What?"
"What do you mean? I always… I always bake in August."
"I always make snickerdoodles when it's 98 and humid
and all you wanna do is jump in a pool. Should we make a fire?"
"Do you wanna…"
My wife tests me too.
I told my wife, "Don't bring pizza in the house. Okay?"
I said, "Just get me a salad with protein, no pizza."
So she gets me a salad with protein,
but still gets a pizza, says it's for my kids, okay?
Later on that night, everybody's sleeping, I go upstairs, kitchen counter,
I see the pizza box, okay,
two slices left in it, half open like a bear trap, okay?
I'm pacing around like the fat piece of shit I am, staring at this thing.
In the morning, she looks at the box like, "Yup, I got him. I knew--"
"I knew that fat dickhead was gonna eat."
"I think he was chewing on the box."
I've been, uh…
I've been thinking about sexual fetishes a lot.
I'm fascinated with what gets people off sexually
'cause I was reading something that says everybody in the world has a fetish.
It's obviously on a different scale, but everybody in this room--
Look how quiet and awkward it just got.
You're all looking at your drinks like, "Yeah, I'm a perverted piece of shit. I--"
"I'm a disgrace to myself and everybody that knows me."
I would never judge somebody.
You know what a big one is? A big one is role-playing.
People are like, "I'm gonna come home as a late delivery driver."
My wife is so literal, she'd be mad I was late.
I'd be like, "There's nothing in the box. We're not eating. We were--"
"We were never eating. You're a shitty actress. We were never…"
"Now I'm hungry and you're late now, Paul!"
There's only one fetish I don't understand for the life of me,
and this is a real thing, and a lot more people
are into this than you would think.
Quiet. You guys are like, "Fuck, I hope it's not mine."
"I'm into some shit, so this could get weird."
A lot more people are into this than you would think.
But a lot of people are into being personally insulted during sex.
They wanna be verbally just fucking demeaned for all aspects of their life.
During sex, they wanna hear, "You worthless piece of shit."
"You suck at your job. You're always late."
I'm insecure. I couldn't handle that.
I couldn't handle that. I would need the opposite.
Mine would have to be nothing but praise.
Just compliments for any little thing too.
Like while we're doing it, she's just like, "Aah!"
"Aah!"
"The way you parallel parked at dinner tonight was incredible."
"You didn't even have that much room on either side."
"You didn't have to do the back and forth. You pulled it in."
"And you're such a good dad. You go to your kids' games."
"Gimme that responsible dad dick."
"Yeah."
"Give me that 'pick your kid up from camp' dick."
"You're a good reader."
I, uh…
One thing that I stopped doing, and this is real, I do not do it,
I do not watch porn.
I am done with porn. I don't think it's good for your mind.
I think it puts women in a bad light. And, for me, it got too much.
You know the way weed over the years has gotten stronger and stronger
and people have gotten higher and higher?
Same thing with porn, man.
Watching what these two people go through, I can't even do it.
'Cause I remember being a kid,
and I would steal my dad's VHS adult movie,
and I would put it in, and it was a normal, just,
some feather-hair blond would come in,
and she'd be like, "What are you doing?"
And then some titties would come out,
and they'd start kissing,
and then she would go down
and she would give him a normal, human blowjob.
A normal, human-being blowjob.
"Yeah. You like that? Yeah."
"Ooh. Ooh."
"Oh yeah."
"Oh, I like your dick."
Fuck, you gotta do the wrist. "Oh yeah."
"I like--"
I saw some shit a while back that scarred me for fucking life.
This was not a sexual act, this was attempted murder.
This chick's going, "Gaah aah, aah!"
What the fuck? I can't bring that home.
I can't-- She was like, "Aah, gaah!"
If I was in another room,
I'd be like, "What horror movie are they watching?"
"What slasher film? Is that the new Halloween?"
What the--
She's turning blue.
Is there EMS outside? Like--
I don't wanna watch that.
The end of a porn used to be normal.
Used to be like, "I'll see you later."
Now they end up with chicks crying, mascara's all over her face.
She should have a blanket around her
in the back of an ambulance like a fucking Die Hard movie.
Getting tired of these cancer charities too.
I just feel like these cancer charities ask too much of you physically.
And I'm not trying to be rude, okay?
Years ago, my mother was diagnosed with a very rare stage 4 cancer.
Few people in New York have my mother's cancer,
or the country, but due to modern medicine
and the Dana-Farber Institute in Boston, she's alive, so I'm all for--
Thank you, thank you, thank you
I'm all for raising money for a horrible disease, okay?
But why do I got to run a 5k?
Why are we working so hard to help people with cancer?
I told my mother, I was like, "I love you." Okay?
"Whatever the money is, I'll double it."
"I'll triple it. I'll write you a check for whatever."
"I'm not running…"
"…multiple miles in the middle of the summer."
"Are you people out of your minds?"
"Yeah, let's do a Tough Mudder this summer for prostate cancer. Wanna do that?"
"Wanna round everybody up, run through mud and go with ropes over walls?"
"You wanna do a Tough Mudder for prostate--"
Why never, "Let's go to an air-conditioned movie for pancreatic cancer"?
"Casino Night for the American Heart Association"?
You can roll dice, get hammered, get laid, and raise money.
Why am I in a pink T-shirt
on the Brooklyn Bridge at seven o'clock in the morning?
So some fat fuck can't do a good deed 'cause 200 yards in he's gonna be like,
"Fuck, let 'em die, man. I can't. Agh!"
"I got a deviated septum turning purple."
"'Cause then it'll be a charity for me, Cheryl, that's why!"
"I'm turning purple, Cheryl!"
I just feel like Cheryl would be the organizer's name.
Sounds like a Cheryl-y thing.
She's not a bad person, but you're like, "How many emails is Cheryl gonna send?"
But let's get serious for a second.
Let's get serious, okay?
This country's had a lot of things go on, right?
Unbelievable political divide, pandemic,
all kinds of shit, people losing their jobs, right?
And I don't understand what Americans give a shit about.
I don't understand, with everything going on, what we really care about.
I let a lot of it go. The one thing I cannot handle,
the one thing that I just cannot fucking wrap my head around,
is with all those things I just mentioned,
the fact that we in this country give a shit to the level that we do
about the Royal Family,
is one of the most unacceptable and ridiculous things.
We… We, in the United States of America,
give a shit about this fucking family,
this magical family over the water, this Disney fam--
We watch their weddings like dickheads.
"Isn't that nice? Oh, look. Isn't it--"
"But Paul, come on, we always have-- That's real love, isn't it?"
"That's… that's real."
Yeah, that's real, 'cause every ten falls for a pale ginger.
That's real.
If that kid was pumping gas in Jersey,
he'd be with a fat bitch in a bowling alley, that fucking kid.
Fuck that kid, he's a rat, ratting out his family to Oprah. Fuck that kid!
He's a rat! That kid's a rat!
"We just wanna know who the racist in Buckingham Palace is."
Why don't you start with the 94-year-old fucking Queen, how about that?
Something tells me she's not up on the times, rat.
Fuck that kid.
I don't wish ill-will on anybody, okay?
I hope everybody does good, okay?
But I hope that fake marriage falls to shit…
and Prince Harry tries inching his way back to the castle.
He just shows up half-drunk, like, "Guys, I fuck--"
"I fucked up, man. Just let the drawbridge down."
"No, I fucked up. Just let the drawbridge down, please."
"You were right, Grandma! She's a whore! Now let the drawbridge down, Grandma!"
"I want tea and muffins. I hate this bitch!"
Fuck Prince Harry. I'm not even doing his stupid accent.
By the way, that's the amazing thing about doing this.
Being a comedian, I get to travel not only all over the world,
but all over the United States, and I get to hear people's voices,
I get to hear accents, and I find it amazing.
I'm fascinated by-- We can look the same, but our voices are so different.
I wanted to figure out my favorite one, the most entertaining one,
and the funniest one,
and by far, hands down, it's not even close, to me,
the funniest accent on planet Earth
is the far West Coast Mexican cholo accent.
'Cause they all sound like they just came out of groin surgery,
and they sound tired.
"What's up, fucker? Shit. I'm tired."
"My fucking leg hurts. Fuck!"
"Anesthesia. What the f--"
They always curse unnecessarily.
"Nice car, fucker. Shit!"
"My leg hurts. What the fuck?"
Guys, I am driving my wife crazy with this.
I'll just walk in the kitchen, "Touch my dick. Shit."
"Fucking leg hurts. My leg. I'm tired."
I like to picture accents doing pleasant things,
so when I picture that accent, I always picture that dude like,
"Yeah--"
"Yeah, let me get a vanilla waffle cone with, uh,
rainbow sprinkles and gummy bears. It's my cheat day. Fuck."
"Shit."
'Cause I'm bored, man.
I'm bored. I miss Trump, okay?
I don't miss Trump for the politics, I miss Trump for the chaos.
I miss the madness, I miss the tweets, I miss the going at people.
'Cause now, here's the thing, now we got this old dude
who's not doing none of that.
You can't go from that crazy shit to nothing.
We needed a buffer. I needed something in the middle!
'Cause Trump, 'cause here's the thing--
Yeah, you can't--
Now, truth be told,
truth be told, I did not vote for Donald Trump or Joe Biden.
As a matter of fact, I said to my friends, "Fuck it, I'm sitting this one out."
"I'm not doing this shit. I'm not voting on best of two evils."
"I'm not doing it."
Somebody called, a friend from Dallas, said,
"Paul, why not reconsider? Why not do your civil duty?"
"Do a write-in for president and vote for everything else."
I said okay.
Who am I gonna vote for? I thought about it long and hard.
And then the decision was easy.
I voted for a man who has given so much joy
multiple times to multiple people.
I voted for a man who gives to Children's Hospitals with cancer.
I voted for a man who beat Tom Brady and Bill Belichick
not once, but twice in the Superbowl.
I voted for Eli Manning, and that's the truth.
Okay?
That's the truth.
Now listen,
Eli Manning's face may not say tough leader…
…but damn it, his heart does. Do you understand me?
You ever see Biden just freeze at the podium?
Motherfucker will freeze for like 15 seconds.
"Yeah, you know."
The Mexican dude's like, "Spit it out, fucker! Shit! Fucking--"
"Fucking leg hurts! What the fuck? I'm tired."
"Fucking leg."
Here's the deal. You know how you gotta be 35 to be president?
You should not be president after 65 years old.
You should have a 30-year window.
Listen, I got friends in their fifties, and all they do is yawn all day.
Sound like the fucking lion from The Wizard of Oz.
You should not be the leader of the free world
and need a nap at three o'clock.
"Mr. President, North Korea's on the phone."
"No, I'm resting my eyes. Just--"
"It sounded important, to be honest."
But what have we done? All we've done, what have we done?
We just watch Netflix.
Everywhere you go, every party, that's all people talk about.
"What show you watching? Yeah, we're on season six, it's amazing."
"Isn't it amazing? Did you see episode three?"
And you'll always hear this,
"Might be the best show I've ever seen. I'll be honest with you."
"It might be the best show we've ever seen. I'm telling you--"
Guys, it's not that good. It's not that good.
There's a lot of content because we're bored, okay?
It's not that-- Netflix is like T.J. Maxx or Marshalls.
Okay?
You can find good stuff,
but you have to sift through so much shit to get it.
Everything is a remake, a reboot.
Thirty years-- Am I the only person that finds it ridiculous
that the Karate Kid,
Daniel LaRusso,
is still having issues with his childhood bully
thirty-five years later?!
Shoot him in the head or get a real estate broker!
They sucked me in. I watch it.
It's adults doing karate with high school kids after school.
It's like, "Daniel, go fuck your wife. The kid's in tenth grade, weirdo."
"What are you doing karate in your backyard with him?"
How ridiculous--
I watch, uh…
I watch crime shows, that's my guilty pleasure.
Guys, I will watch Forensic Files-- This is no shit.
I will watch Forensic Files from nine o'clock at night
'till three o'clock in the morning,
just husband killing wife after husband killing wife
after husband killing wife,
and I gotta be honest, it's not getting old.
Guys, I'm watching crime shows so much,
it's almost unhealthy now,
'cause now I'm starting to see it from the killer's point of--
Now when they're like,
"Then he took the body in his pickup truck and brought it to the cabin in the woods."
I'm like, "They're gonna see tire tracks in the mud. What's this guy--"
"You gotta incinerate the car and put her body in acid."
"Doesn't this guy watch TV?"
"There's gonna be DNA all over the fucking place."
My favorite is serial killer docs.
They're my favorite 'cause they all start the same, all start hilarious.
They all start with, what? "He was such a nice guy."
Then the neighbor comes on in the trailer, "Yeah, we never suspected
that he would slaughter 14 families."
"We never thought that he would sever a head with a plastic butter knife."
"He played with our Gregory all the time."
They did two on Ted Bundy.
Okay? They did one on Manson.
But the best one, my favorite one,
was the one they did on Jeffrey Dahmer on Prime called Dahmer on Dahmer.
For people who don't know, Dahmer's a serial killer,
almost 30 years ago, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, he was a gay man.
He killed 17 people,
he had sex with their dead bodies in his bedroom for weeks, and he was a cannibal.
And they're talking to this guy in a never-seen-before 90-minute doc
before he was killed from jail, and guys, he was an absolute sweetheart.
-He was the nicest man.
If I was gay in the '90s in Milwaukee,
he would have ate me, he would have ate the shit out of me.
I'd have called my friends, "Get to the bar."
"This guy Jeff's buying drinks and he's-- He's an absolute sweetheart."
"He's having people over. I think he's a sports fan."
It was bizarre how cool this dude was.
And the weird thing about it was, he was understanding about what he did.
So at one point they were like, "Jeff, you killed these people
and then had sex with their dead bodies for weeks," and he goes, "I know, right?"
And it was weird to see him be understanding like the way that we are,
but then the narrator comes on and goes, this is true,
"In the 90 minutes of talking to one of the most notorious killers in history,
Mr. Dahmer was great with our staff,
he answered all of our questions,
he was easy to work with,
even compassionate about the crimes he committed."
Only one thing bothered him, they asked,
"Jeff, out of your 17 victims, ten were African American."
"Is there anything to that?" And he goes, "You're not gonna do that to me. Okay?"
"Listen, you're not gonna do that to me."
"Look, I might have killed, okay? Then had sex with, all right?"
"Then dismembered and ate, okay?"
"And put the remains in my freezer, I'm guilty as charged."
"But I'm not gonna sit here and be called racist. You understand me?"
"Take me back to my cell!"
"I don't know what kind of piece of shit you think I am."
"How you think I was raised."
Even serial killers have white guilt.
You know who they never talk about?
When they talk about serial killers, who they never talk about?
They never talk about their siblings.
Their siblings go forgotten because of their actions.
Charles Manson had a brother and sister, never hear about them.
Jeffrey Dahmer. Jeffrey Dahmer's got a brother.
That's gotta be hard just walking around life as Steve Dahmer.
And you know Stevie D's got a group of friends that love him,
but they also know he's got that DNA.
Stevie D's smoking weed with his boys one night like,
"You guys wanna get something to eat?" "Nah, I got shit to do tomorrow, Steven."
"I got a day tomorrow, Steve, not gonna make this."
"Come on, dick, I'm not gonna eat you."
"It was my brother."
"Damn you, Jeffrey."
Ah, man.
Thank you.
-Thank you.
I, uh… I'm half-Sicilian and half-Greek.
My father's 100% Sicilian, my mother's 100% Greek.
I'm 50-50, and guys, I'm not trying to find out I'm anything else, okay?
Everybody's running all over the fucking country doing 23 and Me
finding out they're 2.6% Ecuadorian. I don't give a shit.
That's also talked about at parties.
"You know I'm part Hungarian?" It's like, "You know I don't give a fuck?"
"You know I wanna get a hot dog and get away from you?"
I'm sticking with what I got. I don't care if an ancestor got fucked in Brazil.
I don't care.
My father is old-school Italian. My father grew up in the Bronx, 1960s.
My father's just got…
My father… My father's just… gaudy chains.
My father-- Just rings, chains, just chest hair out.
You know, he's just over the fucking top.
And when a Sicilian loves you, right, they can't really be mad at you,
so when he was upset with me and my brother,
he would say he's a little confused.
When an old Italian person says they're a little confused,
they're letting you know.
Like my dad will call me up and he'll go, "Paul, how you doing? Good."
My father would answer three questions that were not asked to him
at the beginning of every phone conversation,
and he would dive in big.
"Hey, what's going? Good. Listen, everything's good."
"Listen."
"Just-- You just let me know when I can talk."
He goes, "Listen, I came across your comedy bio over there on the Internet."
He talks about the Internet like it's a location.
"I found it down there. It wasn't hard. I found it."
"I came across your comedy bio. It was good."
That's how I know he didn't like it.
That's what Italians do, they lift you up before they kick you in the dick.
"It was good."
He goes, "But then I noticed as I'm reading,
it said you also come from Greek heritage, you put on there."
"So I'm a little confused why--"
"Let's leave that out. We don't--"
He acts like he's doing it for you. "Let's not confuse people."
I was like, "You remember my mother? Remember?"
My daughter's name is Sophia Erin Virzi, Sophia Erin, so my dad called me up,
"Paul, how you doing? Good, everything's good."
Everything's always good. Everything's…
"Everything's good. Listen,
I want to congratulate you on your baby girl, my son. Beautiful."
"You named her Sophia?" He goes, "Beautiful, strong Italian name."
"Then I noticed…"
"…her middle name was Erin?"
"I'm a little confused."
"Irish? Get the Irish out."
"We don't need to confuse. Let's not confuse."
My parents got divorced when I was five,
and my brother was ten, and to be honest with you, it was a brutal divorce.
It was in the early '80s.
My father is Catholic and Sicilian, so divorce is a no-no, right?
And my dad wouldn't talk to me or my brother like we were children,
he would talk to us like we were adults,
and he would always use religion wrong.
He'd be like, "Come here, I want to talk to you about the divorce your mother did."
"Unfortunately, boys,
the Devil invaded our family."
"The Devil came to us
in the form of your mother."
"There was nothing I could do. He's the Devil. I couldn't--"
And I'm like five and I'm like,
"Wait a minute, two things, one, are we still going to the movies?"
"And two, I live with the Devil?"
My dad doesn't give a fuck, dude. My dad is…
My dad called me up once,
"Hey, Paul, you know I don't go for this hip-hop shit, you know that?"
I was like, "Yeah, nothing about you says…"
He goes, "I don't like this hip-hop shit, but I'll tell you what."
"These rappers, they know their jewelry. They know their--"
He watches rap videos for the gaudy shit.
"That 2 Chainz kid, his music is shit,
but the kid knows what he's doing around the neck."
My favorite thing about my father, the funniest thing about my father,
is when my father is in a restaurant, my father is really embarrassing.
Me and my brother get scared 'cause my father
only had Sundays and Wednesdays with us growing up,
and food was the most important,
more than his health, more than his family.
Food had to be good.
If we had dinner and food was bad at a restaurant, cancel fucking Christmas.
My father wouldn't have that shit.
I loved watching my father read a menu.
My father would read a menu like he was cramming for the bar exam.
He would look at it, right?
He'd go in and he'd look around, make sure nobody else--
Like it was a secret.
Then he would come up.
Then he would go back down, order the same thing for 30 years. Just--
He did the same thing for 30 years.
But if the food was bad--
One time, my brother and I are in there, nervous. He could be hard on waiters.
I see my dad in a place, it's not good, he just calls somebody--
He'll call nobody. "Yeah, it's Sunday, I brought my family."
"Dad, everybody brought their family, everybody."
"Everybody brought their family."
"No, it's Sunday, we can't. This is--"
So… so, one day…
One day…
me… me and my older brother, Christian,
we-- we watch my dad, they put his food in front of him.
He's about to take his first bite,
which could dictate the rest of the evening.
Right? And he takes a bite, and I notice it's not good.
I see it register.
He doesn't say anything, he doesn't do anything,
I just see, and I'm like, "Shit, I should go to the bathroom."
"This is not gonna be good."
And my dad bites it and just goes, "Oh no," and dropped the fork.
He sounded like Pesci right before he got whacked at the end of Goodfellas.
I wanted to run up to the waiter and go, "Kid, get the fuck out of here."
"Get out of here and never come back again."
If my father was a comic,
he'd be cancelled 90 seconds into his first set.
"What'd he say? Cut the mic. Arrest him."
"He's gone too far."
Are things too far? I don't know.
You know, I think in comedy, it shouldn't be.
I got me and my family.
We all got COVID-19
literally March, 2020.
We got that shit the day--
We got it like we were waiting for an album to drop.
We got the OG. We got--
Our COVID's leaning against the wall with a cigarette now.
"I started this shit."
And that allowed me to have antibodies that allowed me to go out and work,
so I was able to go to Texas and to Arizona,
I was able to go to these places I could go and work. I had antibodies.
I wanted to find out, after everybody got locked in their home
and people died and got sick, I was like,
"Maybe people will be easygoing at clubs. Maybe things will be easier."
And for the most part it is, but there's still pockets.
There's still pockets, white women.
Listen.
There's still pockets of, "Why would he…"
"What-- Why would he…"
"Why would he tell a joke at a comedy club? Why?"
"Why would he bring us joy while we're drinking?"
This woman in New York City heard me say the words, "I don't like the WNBA."
Now, I didn't say I don't respect it or that I don't want my daughter to do it
or that I don't like people that like it,
I just said me-- I just want-- Can we have an opinion?
I said I don't like it, and this woman went from enjoying me
to arms crossed…
shaking her head in disgust.
And her and her girlfriend, they looked at me as if to say,
"Why, Paul? Why? 'Cause it's women?"
"Typical. Misogynist."
Has no idea I have a little girl at home I take to hockey,
to flag football, to soccer.
Has no idea that I have a strong surviving mother
and a strong wife who's a good mother.
This woman just heard me say the words, "I don't like the WNBA"
and turned me into a misogynistic piece of shit.
Guys, I don't like the WNBA because it fucking stinks!
That's why I don't like it. All right?
I don't like it 'cause I watched an NBA game where a guy dunked from the foul line
while shoving his nuts down another man's throat, okay?
I'm sorry if that's more entertaining
than some chick using all her might to hoist up a rainbow three
in a half-empty arena at an Indian fucking casino.
Maybe when these chicks start dunking on each other
with their muffs in each other's faces.
"Take it, Janet. We're up three!"
Why not lower the hoop to six feet so we can enjoy ourselves,
for crying out loud?
Fuck out of here!
I just saw the Greek Freak dunk with his dick.
You think I wanna see this?
I don't care if any of you women didn't like that. My wife does.
My wife likes that joke.
My wife is hilarious. My wife and I, we had sex the other day.
The only reason why I bring that up is because
we got a 12-year-old and a nine-year-old.
-It's hard to be intimate…
…when you have those ages. Did you hear that laugh?
That was experience. She was like, "Oh, he ain't kidding."
She had that, "Honey, for real."
When you want to have sex with your wife
and you have a 12-year-old and a nine-year-old, you become a creep.
I found myself in my bedroom, I put my fingers through the blinds,
I pulled them down, I go, "They're in the driveway."
"We got eight minutes. Pull your pants down." Ever do that?
"Pull your pants down, I'll make it quick."
And I think it's romantic, and my wife just sees her bald husband
with Jordans on and his dick out like "Ehh!"
"Eh, do you wanna fuck this? Ehh!"
"Is this romantic? Ehh!"
"Aren't you glad you married me? Ehh!"
Chasing her around like a goblin with his dick out.
Ladies, the things you put up with with dudes in your life is commendable.
Just a grown man running after you naked with sneakers on like he's at a beach.
So my wife, we have sex and we're done, she goes, "Paul, I'm scared."
"I need you to go to Walgreens or CVS right now and get a Plan B."
I'm like, "No, it's not necessary."
I was a gentleman. I pulled out.
I don't know why that makes me a gentleman.
I didn't thrust out, I backed out softly.
And she goes, "Paul, we can't have another baby."
I'm like, "It's impossible. No worries." She goes, "Paul!"
Listen, I've been married almost 14 years.
When the woman in your life looks you in the face
and says your first name with that intensity,
don't die on that hill. Just go. I said to myself--
I turned it positive. "You know what, we need toothpaste."
"I'm gonna get toothpaste and gummy bears, so…"
I'll turn it into a CVS night. Think I give a fuck? I--
So now, I'm in CVS,
and I gotta buy a Plan B, and that shit is awkward.
It's not like buying tampons or condoms.
You buy tampons or condoms,
they don't know if it's gonna sit in there in a cabinet for months, years.
You buy a Plan B, they know you did shit you need to take care of now.
You are on a clock.
So now I'm looking for this Plan B 'cause I can't ask for it, right?
"Where's your abortion aisle?"
"Where's your baby-killer, the 'take care of it' shit, is it--"
"The baby-kill-- Is it near the Twizzlers?"
So I find this pill, it's $65.
I'm literally spending $65 to just avoid an argument with my wife.
By the way, money well spent.
Like all the dudes, "Yes, it is. Yes."
So now I'm on line with the $65 Plan B I don't need, and I'm like next in line,
and people have like toilet paper and dog food,
and I'm just sitting there,
I'm next, and she calls me up, and I put it on the counter.
It's a middle-aged woman, we make eye-contact,
and all I could say, I just go, "What are you gonna do, you know?"
You been there before, right? Let's nip this thing in the bud!
And let's be honest,
if you have sex and the first move you make is to get a Plan B,
that wasn't plan B. That was--
Plan B is just skipping town and never talking to her again. That's--
That was plan B.
You know what's funny about me and my wife?
We never get into big fights.
The littlest spark just makes something big, you know?
'Cause listen, guys, I'm a nocturnal beast.
This is what I do.
I'm a nocturnal animal.
Even when I was a kid before I was doing comedy,
I'm a night dude.
So I like to sleep, not too late, but give me 'till fucking- 30,- 30.
My wife is one of these15's.
You know those15's, and she knows I'm in bed
and she knows I want a couple more hours,
but she just starts hovering around the bed.
Starts going this way--
She's like a vulture circling a dead body, just like--
"It's nice out!"
"You wanna go to brunch?"
"Don't waste a day."
"The kids wanna do something."
Like, "God slip me into a coma for seven hours."
Here's the biggest fight me and my wife get into. This is the biggest fight.
"Babe, what do you want to eat for dinner?" That's it!
Why is that so hard?
"Babe, what do you want?" "I don't know, you figure it out."
"I don't wanna think about it." She acts like it's a tragedy.
"I don't even wanna think about it."
"I don't wanna think about it."
I'm like, "All right, fine, so then, fine, so you want to do Mexican?"
"Nah."
"Nah, I don't think so. We had it not long ago."
"So, all right, cool, so then maybe I'll just go to town."
"What part of town you gonna go?"
"I don't know. I have a car, remember? So I can step on the gas and go anywhere."
"No." "All right, fine, Italian."
"Eh, no." "Let's get divorced!"
"That'll be a quicker process, getting a divorce lawyer
rather than picking Chinese or fucking Italian food!"
And listen, I don't mean to pick on women or my wife.
Ladies, we need you. You're emotionally--
Being an emotionally strong woman, able to talk to my wife,
is amazing, smart, all that shit,
but I always hear a sentence women say that I never hear a man--
You always hear women say this, "He's so lucky to have her."
"He is so lucky to have her. Isn't he so lucky--"
You act like you found us
in a puddle of our own piss, blood, and vomit with two broken legs,
like, how would we have ever gone on without you?
"Isn't he--" And ladies, a lot of us are very lucky to have you.
We're lucky to be with you. But you know what?
A lot of you ladies,
you're lucky to be with the fucking dude you're with too, it goes both ways.
Okay?
You guys met at that same shitty bar. You weren't doing that much better.
It's not like she was a fucking senator giving a speech, like, "Hold on a second."
"You see that homeless guy pissing his pants right there?"
"Bring him over here, I'm gonna change his life."
"What would he do without her?"
I don't know, get an apartment, move on with his life? I…
I think what anybody would fucking do.
I just say yes.
When it comes to life, I just jumped in the deep end, man.
I married the woman I said I was gonna marry,
I got a house in the country,
I got kids, I got a dog, cat, guinea pigs. I just say yes.
You wanna know my weakness?
All my friends make fun of me about this,
and if you guys know me or you listen to any podcast,
I am the least cheap,
least frugal person you have ever laid your fucking eyes on.
If I had 300 million dollars tomorrow,
there'd be a documentary in five years how I blew that shit.
I am so bad with money, it drives my-- This is how bad it is.
The other day I said to my wife, "Let's get a horse."
She said, "Paul, where the fuck are we gonna keep a horse?"
I said, "We'll figure it out."
We live up where people have acres of land and ponies and horses and shit,
and I don't like my neighbors one-upping me,
so I said to my wife, "You know if we get big money, I'm gonna get some shit."
And she goes, "What do you mean?" "What if we got an endangered dolphin?
How gangster would that be
if I made my backyard four Olympic-size pools, heated,
and I threw an endangered dolphin back there?
My neighbor's like, "Have the kids jump on the pony."
"Oh, pony? Jump on my fish, sign a waiver. How about that?"
"Have the fish take you around the fucking yard."
The other day… the other day
I went to the store to get my cat's food, and I just saw this woman there.
She's a millennial woman, and she--
You ever see somebody and you know they're judging you?
And I was buying cat food, and I think she was judging me
'cause I think she didn't like that somebody that looked like me
was taking care of cats.
I felt that from her.
So I put the cat food up and she just goes, "Oh."
"You got some kitties at home?"
No, my wife likes Iams Hairball Control.
Uh, my wife licks her arms, so I figured--
She's an arm licker, so I figured maybe we'd give this a whirl.
And then she tried to out cat-lover me.
She goes, "I have a couple cats at home too, sir. They're rescues."
I was like, "Sounds more like a capture."
And then she hit me with,
"Let me ask you, sir, what breed of cat do you have?"
Who asks somebody what breed of cat--
I'm never gonna go to your house, "Oh, you have an Alaskan asshole."
I don't give a fuck.
I have an American "lucky to be alive."
I have an American "lucky it's not shivering in an alleyway."
That's the type of cat.
I have an American "I give it tuna when I'm too lazy to get food."
There's a fine line.
There is a fine line between being an animal lover
and being psychologically damaged, and I truly believe that. Okay?
I did a joke about pit bulls in 2009 in Cincinnati, Ohio, okay?
And I was a younger comic, the joke was fine,
this is like right around when YouTube was giving comedians burn.
We could get our shit out, and it was '09, and like I said,
I was a younger comic, it's a fine joke, something like,
"I know pit bulls can be great, I've seen it. I have friends with them."
"But let's be honest, there's a reason drug dealers down in Baltimore
aren't walking with Golden Retrievers." Something like that, right?
Nobody's going to a kilo deal with a Pomeranian.
It's… it's a fine joke.
Now…
I made the rookie move,
I made the rookie move of looking at comments,
and we can't do that today.
Today, I'm just gonna stand up here, I'm gonna say jokes, I'm fucking around,
and I can stand by everything I say, and hopefully you guys are fans,
you like it, if not, fuck off, that's fine, that's the way it works.
Listen, that's the way that it works.
We-- It's nobody's business.
But I'll tell you, sometimes it's hard, you know?
I have my manager, agent, "Paul, don't look at that shit."
The more you do comedy, the more, "Don't look at that shit."
It's hard, though, because my Comedy Central special,
98 positive reviews, one bad, I go, "I'll kill this kid's mother."
I don't give a fuck. It's hard.
Right? So I don't look anymore.
But then I looked, and this comment exists today.
A woman, it's on YouTube, she said,
"Did you see comedian Paul Virzi's joke about pit bulls on YouTube here?"
"It's disgusting, and I bet you he kills dogs like Mike Vick did."
-Yeah. Then her girlfriend
goes underneath and goes,
"Yeah, it would be really sad if Paul had animals of his own."
And that hurt me 'cause she doesn't know me.
She doesn't know who I am. I wanted to meet her.
I actually fantasized about going to her house,
talking to her, and killing her dog in front of her.
Just like, "You were right, bitch. You gotta--"
Getting a little older though, man. I, uh…
I'm having problems with my dick, dude. I…
It's weird, you know? 'Cause I'm a hypochondriac.
I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac 'cause my mother was sick when I was younger.
Doctors say that's probably what it is, but I go from zero to terminal quick.
I go-- If I have a pain in my foot for three days,
I'm like, "It's a brain tumor." It's a message from the tumor to the foot.
I'll start shopping wheelchairs, I'll start shopping chairs.
Is there like some 2022 shit that'll prop me up and maybe--
I'll start looking for crazy shit like that.
I had this thing though where I would take a piss, right,
and then I'd put it away,
and then I would start walking,
and then I'm pissing all over myself.
So like my dick would turn off, and I'm done,
and I'd start walking, it'd turn back on, I start pissing all over myself.
I have a full-fledged panic attack.
Call the doctor, "Doc, I got some going on."
"I think I might have a dick tumor. I don't know."
And he goes, "Yeah, Paul, that's not a thing. That's not…"
I was like, "You gotta take a look."
So I go in there, and he goes,
"Paul, listen, I need you to drop your pants and shorts."
When a doctor tells me to drop my pants and shorts,
I just go pants first.
Okay? I need you to reiterate.
What kind of lunatic just goes dick out, "Hey Doc, what's good?" Like?
Let me put my fucking toe in the water, you know?
You don't go, dick out, "Let's rock and roll. What's up, Doc?"
"Everything good? Yeah? How's it looking? Is it all right?"
So he goes, "No, Paul, and the shorts."
And I go, "I know."
"Is everything good? The kids good? Yeah?"
"Yeah, team doing good? Yeah."
And then I'm just standing in this cold, sterile, white room,
my pants, shorts, everything down to my ankles.
It's just-- My dick's out, I'm just--
And he's just walking around.
He's letting me stand there with my dick. He's just fumbling around on a--
"Yo, Doc, this is not--"
And then finally, I hear the glove, I hear the…
He walks up to me, and I'm nervous around doctors,
so I started to tense up, and he looked in my dick-head, I--
He's looking, and I don't know if anybody here has ever had a doctor
look in their dick-hole before,
but when a doctor does it, it's not just a quick glance.
This man was intently looking.
He looked like a jeweler looking at a diamond, just--
Look at all this.
Looking in there!
Guys, hand to God, I was so nervous, scared, and cold in this moment,
my dick was so small,
I actually said I gotta chub it up for him.
Swear to God, I gotta slap it around. I can't have him thinking I--
"It's not that small, I swear to God. I can't--"
But I don't want to get a full-on rager 'cause then he can't do the exam.
He's like, "This is filled with blood, Paul, I don't know."
So I'm ready to leave, I'm packing up, right?
And I'm getting ready to leave, and he just goes, "Hey Paul, listen."
"Don't be uncomfortable. You're not getting any younger."
"When you're done pissing from now on, I want you to give it a good shake."
"An extra ten, 15 seconds to clear your urethra."
Fifteen seconds?
I'm not jerking off at the urinal.
"No, I'm not jerking off, doctor said I gotta do this!"
"I got seven Mississippis left."
"Now I'm gonna finish 'cause it feels incredible." 15 seconds?
Ten-year-old boy next to me at the urinal,
"Tell your mom it's not what it looks like, I swear to God."
"It's in the urethra. That's what he--"
But I'll tell you this, nothing I ever do in my life,
and I know it's corny and cliché, but it's true, nothing I ever do in life
will be better than being Lucas and Sofia's dad.
Being a dad is the greatest thing to ever touch my life.
And it's so funny because my son
is blonde hair, blue eyes and looks like my wife.
My wife is Scandinavian. Swedish-Finnish and all that.
And my daughter's got the Sicilian-Greek,
but she also has like the vengeful…
My daughter is like--
I thought it was gonna be a cute thing when she was young.
Like, she's got some deep-rooted Sicilian Mafia Don shit.
She said to me, she goes, "Daddy, I want a hamster."
"My friends are getting hamsters, and I want a hamster."
So I get her a hamster.
"I don't give a fuck. Get four. Think I give a fuck?"
I'll buy the whole-- "Yes. Get a hamster. Whatever you want. Get a dog."
We're all gonna die.
If we're all gonna die, get whatever-- If they had a baby hippo, I'd say get it.
I don't give a fuck!
So she gets the… she gets the hamster, right?
And she calls me into her room upset two days later.
She goes, "Daddy, close the door."
She goes, "You see that hamster? I loved him, Daddy, and look what he did."
"He bit me until I bled, and now I need to decide."
"I told Mommy if we're gonna bring him back." Right?
Oh, buckle up.
Two days later, this thing escapes.
This thing escapes, okay?
And it's gone for seven days.
And we think it's over. We just think it's over.
And I'm laying in bed, and I just hear…
And my wife hears it and I start to ignore it,
but my wife is like… "You hear that?"
I'm like, "All right, I'll look for the fucking-- I'll look."
So I'm trying to get this hamster, and I grab its tail and it gets away.
Next day, my daughter calls me, she goes, "Daddy, close the door."
She goes, "I know that that hamster-- Mommy told me that that hamster is alive,
you almost had him yesterday."
"I just wanna tell you, if you find him, I want you to kill him."
And meant it, like meant it, like, "I want to see him dead."
"I want him dead."
My daughter walked up to me one time in the kitchen,
"Daddy, can I have a scoop of ice cream? Mommy said no."
"What do you say?"
Like a G!
And I wanna be the cool one, you know?
I'm not the discipline one. I'm telling dick jokes in a mall.
So I was like, "Oh yeah."
"Mommy said no, huh?"
"Mommy's not here right now, is she?"
I said, "Daddy's here, and Daddy says yes."
"Matter of fact, here's two scoops. Boom, boom."
And then I backed up like I did some crazy magic trick, right?
And my daughter goes, "Yay, Daddy's the best!"
"Dada's my favorite!"
I go, "Sophia, that's not true. You know Mommy's your favorite."
She goes, "I know."
"Give me the ice cream back."
I recently took my kids to a special movie theater by where I live.
Movie theater is special.
Movie theater has a café, it has a bar,
but what makes this theater special is everybody they hire has a disability.
Every employee of this movie theater's got Down Syndrome,
head injuries, diseases, wheelchairs.
You name it, they got it.
And guys, I gotta be honest, the service was incredible.
It was better, it was faster.
They were old-school, ripping the ticket, "Enjoy your show, sir."
I was amazed how much better and faster it was.
How many times at a regular theater
looking at the people behind the counter do you think, "This guy fucking retarded?"
But my favorite story with my kids so far, or something really different, was…
These guys are on edibles right now.
That's a…
Listen, this ain't my first rodeo.
That's a edible laugh there.
"Yo, take the gummy bear 45 minutes before the show starts
so shit's gonna be funny as shit."
My favorite thing is like, my son is coming into his own right now.
This is all true what I'm about to say.
My son is coming into his own, getting a little older.
Like all siblings, when they get tired, they go at each other,
but my son more to my daughter.
My son goes hard at my daughter, and I don't go for that shit.
Like, "You gotta be nicer to her. You are a god to her."
"You're three years older, she loves you, you're always going at her."
He goes, "I know, but sometimes she can be so annoying."
And I was like, "So can her mother." No, I didn't say that.
Chip off the old block.
"Tell me about it. Shit." No.
My son's really good at basketball, has a really nice jump shot,
plays one-on-one with me, but it leaves my daughter out.
She has nothing to do.
So one day, I hand her a little ball, say, "You play with this ball here."
"When we're done playing, I'll play with you."
We start playing, she drops the ball, it rolls into our game, disrupt us.
We have to stop.
My son's already in a bad mood, and he loses his shit.
He picks the ball up and he's going, "No, no, no."
I go, "Whoa, buddy. What are you--"
"You gonna throw the ball at your sister?"
He goes, "I'm tired of this, Dad."
I go, "Buddy, you're 12. You're not tired of shit."
"I'm tired! I'm tired!"
"Me and your mother might get divorced from what happened at breakfast. Okay?"
"A guy named Phil may be living here in six months."
"Give her the ball back."
And my daughter's going, "Lucas, can I have the ball?"
I go, "Do the right thing and hand it to her."
Hand it, right?
And in anger and disgust, he bounced it at her, hard,
hits her nose and lips, splits her lip,
she's bleeding, screaming, crying, and it is an absolute shit-show.
So now I need to console my little girl and scold my boy at the same time.
I go, "Sweetie, we'll clean it up."
"What are you nuts? She's bleeding and crying 'cause of your attitude!"
"Hope you feel good!"
"So sorry. Give me one sec."
"You wanna play one-on-one? We're gonna play, me and you."
"You wanna play like that with your sis? My ball first, my house."
So I back him to the hole hard.
I back him to the hole hard.
"Layup, one-nothing, let's go. Make it or take it. My house. Respect."
I get it again, boom.
Ten footer, nothing but net. Swish. "You get your shot from me. Let's go."
Now he starts getting amped up.
On the third possession,
my son legitimately steals the ball from me.
I tried to get it behind my back, he steals it, runs toward the hoop,
and he's all blushing, pulls up an eight-footer, nothing but net.
He steps up to me, he chested-up, he looked at me, he goes,
"Let's fucking go!"
"What?"
"What did you just say to me?" He goes, "Let's go?"
I go, "Go sit on the wall for five minutes and think about what you--"
"I'm your father. Never speak to me that way."
"You outta your mind?" I turn and think,
"That was the greatest shit I have ever seen in my fucking life!"
"My son is the man!"
Guys, thank you so much for coming out here.
I appreciate you, man. Means a lot. Thank you so much.
Thank you, guys. Thank you.
Thank you for being here, man.
It means a lot.
Thank you.