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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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["Urban Streets" playing]

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[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Virzi!

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[cheering and clapping]

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[Paul] Thank you.

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Thank you.

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Thank you guys so much.

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[chuckling] Thank you, guys. All right.

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Yes!

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Yes!

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[cheering continues]

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Thank you guys so much.

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All right. All right, thank you.

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Thank you guys so much
for coming out during these crazy times.

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Life's getting normal again, everybody.
Life is getting normal again.

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I fucking hate it. I--

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[laughter]

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All right, I am gonna miss this pandemic.

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Guys, I have been lazy
on a level lately that's been criminal.

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Okay?

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I've been in sweatpants
for 14 months doing dick,

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and it has been glorious.

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[audience whooping]

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It-- I--

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I--

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[clapping]

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I was so lazy during this shit.

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One day,
I pop up on the couch, go, "Shit."

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My wife goes, "What?"
I go, "I gotta get the mail."

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Going to my mailbox was on my to-do list.

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I was like, "I don't know,
might be windy, maybe I'll go tomorrow."

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[laughter]

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"Not paying bills anyway. Fuck it."

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But you guys came out 'cause you're smart.

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You know what most of us
knew from the beginning.

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COVID's fake.

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I'm kidding. [chuckling]

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Some people take that seriously.

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Like, "That's what I'm talking about.
I've been saying it!"

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"That's a liberal virus!" Eh!

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"That can't penetrate a patriot."

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"I got Republican antibodies in me. Shit!"

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"My Republican antibodies
will kick that China shit."

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[chuckling]

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I'm gonna miss the COVID excuse, right?

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When it's gone, you don't have it.
Can't fuck with the COVID excuse.

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You don't wanna go to a party,
people ask, "Coming?"

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"Nah, man. COVID, man. COVID."

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[laughter]

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"COVID. I don't wanna, you know."

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"People getting sick.
I don't feel comfortable."

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I use that for everything.

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You call your family on the holidays?
"COVID."

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[laughter]

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Debt collectors? That was my favorite.

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"This is an attempt to collect--"

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I'm like, "Who's thinking of money
at a time like this?"

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"People are dying, sir!"

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"I know I'm 38k in the hole,

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but those are emotional support
snowmobiles I got."

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"I'm stressed out!"

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[laughing]

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But let's talk about the vaccination.
Let's get it awkward in here.

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Everybody's worried
about talking about the vaccination.

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Listen, I talked to my doctor.

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I got vaccinated.
It's a decision that I made.

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But I understand
people that don't want to.

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If you don't, it's your body.
You don't know what's gonna happen later.

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I get that. I just don't like my friends
who don't make sense not getting vaxxed.

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I got friends talking all kinds of shit.

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"I'm not taking that shit!"

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"I don't know what's in it.
Fuck that! I'm not taking that!"

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"I don't know
what they're putting in my body."

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"You smoke two packs of cigarettes a day!"

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"And you're 350 pounds!"

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"Take the shit, dick."

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Better than
what you're putting in your body.

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"Yeah, give me the cocaine and chocolate,
but leave those antibodies."

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"No, give me the drugs,
leave those antibodies."

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But this put things into perspective,
didn't it?

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Life got put into perspective.
At least for me it did.

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COVID put things into perspective.

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I cut things out of my life
that don't make sense.

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Like, I'm done talking to the Uber driver.
I don't do it anymore.

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I don't do it anymore.

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'Cause I'm too nice of a guy,

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so I would get in too deep
with the conversation.

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Ever have that happen?
You start with a small pleasantry,

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then you find yourself in some long…

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"How you doing today?"

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Driver's like, "In my country right now…"
You're like, "Ah, fuck."

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"Yeah, dude, I didn't mean it. I…"

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"I don't give a fuck. I--"

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"Matter of fact, there's a lot
going on in my country, okay?"

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"How about you give me a piece of candy
and let me close my eyes for ten minutes?"

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"I'm already pissed off
I'm going to LaGuardia."

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Now I'm thinking
of this guy's kids when I'm sleeping.

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This is what kind of nice dickhead I am.
This is how stupid, overly naive--

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I'm in a car going to the airport.

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Indian driver, just met the guy,
30 seconds. Just met him.

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He goes, "Sir, when's your flight?"

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"Three hours."
He goes, "Oh, you got time."

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"You wanna go to a restaurant with me?"

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[laughter]

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And I go, "Yeah!" What the fuck?

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"I just said yes
to a blind date with an Indian man."

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[laughter]

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I'm married, with children.

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See, what you guys
don't understand about comedy is,

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when you see comedy, you just see this.

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You just see the comedian you paid to see,
you watch our specials,

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you see our YouTube clips.

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You don't see the driving,
you don't see the traveling.

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Tonight, I'll be on the road, all hours,
going to Westchester 'cause I'm rich.

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[laughter]

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No, I'm kidding. My wife is killing it.

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My wife, she bought me these sneakers.

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-Um… [chuckles]
-[laughter]

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Hey, it's a woman's world, right?
Go get it, ladies!

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-[audience whooping]
-Go! Go get it!

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I'll tell dick jokes in a mall.
Go get that money.

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-[chuckles]
-[scattered laughter]

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And when you drive
as much as comedians on the highway,

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you deal with a lot of police.

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I just had this one thing happen.

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Ever have a cop drive behind you
for a really, really awkwardly long time

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without ever turning his lights on?

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Look, the Black dude's like,
"Yes, yes, I have. I…"

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"On the way here tonight.
We weren't even going to a show."

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"We decided to duck into the mall."

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That is the scariest shit,
when a cop is behind you for a long time.

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And I'm talking miles. Right?

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Like 19 miles.

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You talk to yourself,
"Maybe he's going this way. I don't know."

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[chuckling]

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And you make a left,
he makes a left, right?

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Then you start
talking to yourself in the rearview.

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"What the fuck is this guy…"

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"I didn't do anything. This guy's a dick!"

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You start making shit up
that didn't even happen?!

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When a cop drives behind you
for a long time without turning on lights,

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that's the same feeling
if your wife or girl

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is scrolling through your phone
in front of you.

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[laughter]

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You know you did nothing wrong,

147
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but you don't know
what's gonna happen, right?

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Don't know if a wise-ass friend
is gonna send a pic of his dick

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with the caption, "We doing this or what?"

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[laughter]

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[chuckling]

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Then I gotta tell my wife,
"No, I'm not fucking Gary, it's just a--"

153
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"It's just a dick pic.
It's Christmas. It's--"

154
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"He put a wreath around his dick.
It's a--"

155
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"It's a goof. I'm not fucking…"

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Trying to lose weight, man.
Still donate 20 a month to Planet Fitness.

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[laughter]

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Yo, Planet Fitness
is like the hospice of gyms.

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[laughter]

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Everybody knows it's gonna end bad,

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they just want to make you
as comfortable as possible.

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You know a gym is shitty
when it's that cheap. Ever go?

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It's like a drug deal to get a membership.

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"Yo, come here,
let me talk to you for a second."

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"You got $7.50, man?
I'll give you ten years."

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"My manager's watching."

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This is how fat and lazy
we are in this country.

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We're so fat and lazy in America,

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our gyms have to have slogans now
to motivate us.

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Right? It used to be,
"Come, get the silver, gold, platinum."

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Now it's, you know, this cute shit.

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Planet Fitness is-- What is it?
"Judgement Free Zone."

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"Hey, you fat fucks, get in here!
No, it's fine!"

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"Bring the sandwich.
You got mayo on your lip."

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"Doesn't matter. We'll tape the windows,
you fucking monster. Get in here!"

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"Get in here, you fucking--"

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[audience whooping and clapping]

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"Judgement Free."

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It's a nice gesture, but I'm thinking,
where are all these other gyms

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that are apparently
bullying and mocking people?

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'Cause I've yet to go to a gym
and have someone be like,

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"Oh my God!"

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[laughter]

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"Look at this fucking moose.
Look at this."

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"Bob, 20 bucks this kid's got
the bad diabetes. Which is the bad one?"

186
00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:08,965
"Which is the bad one, one or two? Tim!"

187
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"This kid's gonna lose a foot in two weeks."

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00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,844
"Let's go around
and judge him for a while. Let's--"

189
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,058
[audience clapping]

190
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[audience whooping]

191
00:09:23,187 --> 00:09:24,021
It's hard.

192
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It's hard to lose weight, right?
Hard to be in shape.

193
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Older you get,
every meal's, "Don't get fat."

194
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Every meal,
is there sugar, is there gluten?

195
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:36,659
Right? It's hard for me too. I got kids,
they always have candy, you know?

196
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:39,453
My daughter skips by,
a trail of gummy bears behind her.

197
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I'm eating that shit, guys.

198
00:09:42,039 --> 00:09:43,749
But I believe this statement 100%.

199
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I truly believe that the person
that loves you the most,

200
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that you're sitting next to in this room,
that you sleep next to every night,

201
00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:56,929
that person, your wife, your husband,
your partner, your trans, your thing.

202
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Dunno what I can say,

203
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but I'm not getting canceled
next to a Dave and Buster's.

204
00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:03,519
Whatever-- Whatever I can say, okay?

205
00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:09,275
But that person… that person
does not want you to be in great shape.

206
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:11,527
Listen to me, ladies,
I'm on to you, ladies.

207
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,737
I'm on to you, ladies.

208
00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:15,323
Listen to me! Listen t right now.

209
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:18,659
The woman in your life,
they want you to be in decent shape.

210
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,662
They want you to be healthy.

211
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:23,748
But the woman in your life,
make no mistake,

212
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:27,084
they want something about you
that's a little unfuckable.

213
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:31,631
They want something that's a little off
because it puts pressure on them.

214
00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,007
[audience clapping]

215
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:34,342
Right?

216
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,594
As soon
as I start getting my shit together,

217
00:10:36,677 --> 00:10:39,805
as soon as I start feeling better,
I smell my wife baking cookies.

218
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:42,433
[laughter]

219
00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:45,519
I say, "What the fuck? I told you--"

220
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,855
"I just told you
this shirt fits better. Why?"

221
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,151
"Why is-- Is that chocolate chip?
What the fuck?"

222
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Then she plays stupid.
"What do you mean? What?"

223
00:10:57,239 --> 00:11:00,576
"What do you mean?
I always… I always bake in August."

224
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,995
[laughter]

225
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,915
"I always make snickerdoodles
when it's 98 and humid

226
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,585
and all you wanna do is jump in a pool.
Should we make a fire?"

227
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,753
"Do you wanna…"

228
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,256
My wife tests me too.

229
00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:17,760
I told my wife,
"Don't bring pizza in the house. Okay?"

230
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:20,805
I said, "Just get me a salad
with protein, no pizza."

231
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,767
So she gets me a salad with protein,

232
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,978
but still gets a pizza,
says it's for my kids, okay?

233
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:33,025
Later on that night, everybody's sleeping,
I go upstairs, kitchen counter,

234
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:35,361
I see the pizza box, okay,

235
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:39,115
two slices left in it,
half open like a bear trap, okay?

236
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,659
[laughter]

237
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I'm pacing around like the fat
piece of shit I am, staring at this thing.

238
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:49,041
In the morning, she looks at the box like,
"Yup, I got him. I knew--"

239
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:51,252
"I knew that fat dickhead was gonna eat."

240
00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:53,963
"I think he was chewing on the box."

241
00:11:57,341 --> 00:11:58,843
I've been, uh…

242
00:11:58,926 --> 00:12:01,262
I've been thinking about
sexual fetishes a lot.

243
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,808
I'm fascinated
with what gets people off sexually

244
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:09,603
'cause I was reading something that
says everybody in the world has a fetish.

245
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:12,648
It's obviously on a different scale,
but everybody in this room--

246
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,651
Look how quiet and awkward it just got.
[chuckles]

247
00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:20,197
You're all looking at your drinks like,
"Yeah, I'm a perverted piece of shit. I--"

248
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:24,368
"I'm a disgrace to myself
and everybody that knows me."

249
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,414
I would never judge somebody.

250
00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:31,250
You know what a big one is?
A big one is role-playing.

251
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:34,295
People are like, "I'm gonna come home
as a late delivery driver."

252
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:38,340
My wife is so literal,
she'd be mad I was late.

253
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,969
I'd be like, "There's nothing in the box.
We're not eating. We were--"

254
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:45,181
"We were never eating.
You're a shitty actress. We were never…"

255
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,726
"Now I'm hungry
and you're late now, Paul!"

256
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,689
There's only one fetish
I don't understand for the life of me,

257
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,025
and this is a real thing,
and a lot more people

258
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:57,693
are into this than you would think.

259
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,905
Quiet. You guys are like,
"Fuck, I hope it's not mine."

260
00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:03,824
[audience laughter and clapping]

261
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,160
"I'm into some shit,
so this could get weird."

262
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,707
A lot more people are into this
than you would think.

263
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:15,878
But a lot of people are into
being personally insulted during sex.

264
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:20,007
They wanna be verbally just fucking
demeaned for all aspects of their life.

265
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:22,718
During sex, they wanna hear,
"You worthless piece of shit."

266
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,929
"You suck at your job.
You're always late."

267
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:26,722
I'm insecure. I couldn't handle that.

268
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,140
[laughter]

269
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,935
I couldn't handle that.
I would need the opposite.

270
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:33,103
Mine would have to be nothing but praise.

271
00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:36,524
Just compliments
for any little thing too.

272
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:39,068
Like while we're doing it,
she's just like, "Aah!"

273
00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:40,653
"Aah!"

274
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:44,698
"The way you parallel parked
at dinner tonight was incredible."

275
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:47,076
[laughter]

276
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:49,912
"You didn't even have
that much room on either side."

277
00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,916
"You didn't have to do
the back and forth. You pulled it in."

278
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:58,420
"And you're such a good dad.
You go to your kids' games."

279
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,673
"Gimme that responsible dad dick."

280
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:01,632
"Yeah."

281
00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:03,509
[laughter]

282
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:06,053
"Give me that
'pick your kid up from camp' dick."

283
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,264
"You're a good reader."

284
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:12,601
I, uh…

285
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:18,107
[audience whooping and clapping]

286
00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:21,944
One thing that I stopped doing,
and this is real, I do not do it,

287
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,195
I do not watch porn.

288
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,990
I am done with porn.
I don't think it's good for your mind.

289
00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:29,451
I think it puts women in a bad light.
And, for me, it got too much.

290
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:33,706
You know the way weed over the years
has gotten stronger and stronger

291
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:36,333
and people have gotten higher and higher?

292
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:37,668
Same thing with porn, man.

293
00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:40,921
Watching what these two people go through,
I can't even do it.

294
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:43,966
'Cause I remember being a kid,

295
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,886
and I would steal
my dad's VHS adult movie,

296
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,348
and I would put it in,
and it was a normal, just,

297
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:53,392
some feather-hair blond would come in,

298
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:56,812
and she'd be like, "What are you doing?"

299
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,941
And then some titties would come out,

300
00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:03,027
and they'd start kissing,

301
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:05,279
and then she would go down

302
00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:09,408
and she would give him
a normal, human blowjob.

303
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:13,787
A normal, human-being blowjob.

304
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,831
"Yeah. You like that? Yeah."

305
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,334
"Ooh. Ooh."

306
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,377
"Oh yeah."

307
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,212
"Oh, I like your dick."

308
00:15:22,838 --> 00:15:26,216
Fuck, you gotta do the wrist. "Oh yeah."

309
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:27,259
"I like--"

310
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:33,098
I saw some shit a while back
that scarred me for fucking life.

311
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,810
This was not a sexual act,
this was attempted murder.

312
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,813
This chick's going, "Gaah aah, aah!"

313
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:41,982
What the fuck? I can't bring that home.

314
00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:46,737
I can't-- She was like, "Aah, gaah!"

315
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:48,197
If I was in another room,

316
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,658
I'd be like,
"What horror movie are they watching?"

317
00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,868
"What slasher film?
Is that the new Halloween?"

318
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:53,911
What the--

319
00:15:53,994 --> 00:15:55,329
She's turning blue.

320
00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:57,039
[screaming]

321
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,792
Is there EMS outside? Like--

322
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,045
I don't wanna watch that.

323
00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:07,132
The end of a porn used to be normal.

324
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:10,260
Used to be like, "I'll see you later."

325
00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:14,723
Now they end up with chicks crying,
mascara's all over her face.

326
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:16,976
She should have a blanket around her

327
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,645
in the back of an ambulance
like a fucking Die Hard movie.

328
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:22,272
[laughter]

329
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,696
Getting tired
of these cancer charities too.

330
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:31,907
[laughter]

331
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,661
I just feel like these cancer charities
ask too much of you physically.

332
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:39,248
And I'm not trying to be rude, okay?

333
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:43,377
Years ago, my mother was diagnosed
with a very rare stage 4 cancer.

334
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:45,713
Few people in New York
have my mother's cancer,

335
00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:48,173
or the country, but due to modern medicine

336
00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:51,885
and the Dana-Farber Institute in Boston,
she's alive, so I'm all for--

337
00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:53,721
Thank you, thank you, thank you

338
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:55,431
[audience whooping and clapping]

339
00:16:55,514 --> 00:17:00,019
I'm all for raising money
for a horrible disease, okay?

340
00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:01,895
But why do I got to run a 5k?

341
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:05,816
Why are we working so hard
to help people with cancer?

342
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:08,694
I told my mother,
I was like, "I love you." Okay?

343
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:11,113
"Whatever the money is, I'll double it."

344
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:14,491
"I'll triple it.
I'll write you a check for whatever."

345
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:15,743
"I'm not running…"

346
00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:17,536
[laughter]

347
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:20,414
"…multiple miles
in the middle of the summer."

348
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:22,458
"Are you people out of your minds?"

349
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:26,128
"Yeah, let's do a Tough Mudder this summer
for prostate cancer. Wanna do that?"

350
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:29,840
"Wanna round everybody up, run through mud
and go with ropes over walls?"

351
00:17:29,923 --> 00:17:32,217
"You wanna do
a Tough Mudder for prostate--"

352
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:35,929
Why never, "Let's go to an air-conditioned
movie for pancreatic cancer"?

353
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:37,806
[laughter]

354
00:17:39,516 --> 00:17:42,186
"Casino Night
for the American Heart Association"?

355
00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:46,690
You can roll dice, get hammered,
get laid, and raise money.

356
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,109
Why am I in a pink T-shirt

357
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:51,653
on the Brooklyn Bridge
at seven o'clock in the morning?

358
00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:57,701
So some fat fuck can't do a good deed
'cause 200 yards in he's gonna be like,

359
00:17:57,785 --> 00:18:00,704
"Fuck, let 'em die, man. I can't. Agh!"

360
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,956
"I got a deviated septum turning purple."

361
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,294
"'Cause then it'll be a charity for me,
Cheryl, that's why!"

362
00:18:07,377 --> 00:18:09,004
"I'm turning purple, Cheryl!"

363
00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:14,009
I just feel like Cheryl
would be the organizer's name.

364
00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:16,303
Sounds like a Cheryl-y thing.

365
00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:19,515
She's not a bad person, but you're like,
"How many emails is Cheryl gonna send?"

366
00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,685
But let's get serious for a second.

367
00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:26,647
Let's get serious, okay?

368
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:29,900
This country's
had a lot of things go on, right?

369
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:32,986
Unbelievable political divide, pandemic,

370
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,572
all kinds of shit,
people losing their jobs, right?

371
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,534
And I don't understand
what Americans give a shit about.

372
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:41,954
I don't understand, with everything
going on, what we really care about.

373
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:44,957
I let a lot of it go.
The one thing I cannot handle,

374
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:48,836
the one thing that I just
cannot fucking wrap my head around,

375
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,046
is with all those things I just mentioned,

376
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:54,508
the fact that we in this country
give a shit to the level that we do

377
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:56,176
about the Royal Family,

378
00:18:56,260 --> 00:19:00,180
is one of the most
unacceptable and ridiculous things.

379
00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:01,932
[audience clapping]

380
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:06,311
We… We, in the United States of America,

381
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:09,606
give a shit about this fucking family,

382
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:12,651
this magical family over the water,
this Disney fam--

383
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:14,570
We watch their weddings like dickheads.

384
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:17,656
"Isn't that nice? Oh, look. Isn't it--"

385
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:23,245
"But Paul, come on, we always have--
That's real love, isn't it?"

386
00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:24,746
"That's… that's real."

387
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,624
Yeah, that's real,
'cause every ten falls for a pale ginger.

388
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:28,584
That's real.

389
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:33,046
If that kid was pumping gas in Jersey,

390
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:36,008
he'd be with a fat bitch
in a bowling alley, that fucking kid.

391
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:40,387
Fuck that kid, he's a rat, ratting out
his family to Oprah. Fuck that kid!

392
00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:42,723
He's a rat! That kid's a rat!

393
00:19:42,806 --> 00:19:47,436
[audience clapping]

394
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:50,522
"We just wanna know
who the racist in Buckingham Palace is."

395
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:54,568
Why don't you start with the 94-year-old
fucking Queen, how about that?

396
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:58,197
Something tells me
she's not up on the times, rat.

397
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,159
Fuck that kid.

398
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:09,124
I don't wish ill-will on anybody, okay?

399
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,044
I hope everybody does good, okay?

400
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,422
But I hope
that fake marriage falls to shit…

401
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:21,345
and Prince Harry
tries inching his way back to the castle.

402
00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:25,724
He just shows up half-drunk,
like, "Guys, I fuck--"

403
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:29,269
"I fucked up, man.
Just let the drawbridge down."

404
00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:31,980
[laughter]

405
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:34,816
"No, I fucked up.
Just let the drawbridge down, please."

406
00:20:35,817 --> 00:20:39,404
"You were right, Grandma! She's a whore!
Now let the drawbridge down, Grandma!"

407
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:42,491
"I want tea and muffins.
I hate this bitch!"

408
00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:51,208
Fuck Prince Harry.
I'm not even doing his stupid accent.

409
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,379
By the way,
that's the amazing thing about doing this.

410
00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:58,715
Being a comedian, I get to travel
not only all over the world,

411
00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:02,135
but all over the United States,
and I get to hear people's voices,

412
00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:04,596
I get to hear accents,
and I find it amazing.

413
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,517
I'm fascinated by-- We can look the same,
but our voices are so different.

414
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,728
I wanted to figure out my favorite one,
the most entertaining one,

415
00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:13,313
and the funniest one,

416
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:16,483
and by far, hands down,
it's not even close, to me,

417
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,610
the funniest accent on planet Earth

418
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:22,656
is the far West Coast
Mexican cholo accent.

419
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:27,619
'Cause they all sound like
they just came out of groin surgery,

420
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:28,954
and they sound tired.

421
00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:31,290
"What's up, fucker? Shit. I'm tired."

422
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:33,625
"My fucking leg hurts. Fuck!"

423
00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:36,920
"Anesthesia. What the f--"

424
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:39,006
They always curse unnecessarily.

425
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:40,674
"Nice car, fucker. Shit!"

426
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:43,510
"My leg hurts. What the fuck?"

427
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:49,391
Guys, I am driving my wife
crazy with this.

428
00:21:49,474 --> 00:21:52,185
I'll just walk in the kitchen,
"Touch my dick. Shit."

429
00:21:52,936 --> 00:21:55,731
"Fucking leg hurts. My leg. I'm tired."

430
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:07,117
I like to picture accents
doing pleasant things,

431
00:22:07,743 --> 00:22:10,787
so when I picture that accent,
I always picture that dude like,

432
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,331
"Yeah--" [chuckles]

433
00:22:12,414 --> 00:22:16,126
"Yeah, let me get
a vanilla waffle cone with, uh,

434
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,004
rainbow sprinkles and gummy bears.
It's my cheat day. Fuck."

435
00:22:19,087 --> 00:22:21,465
[laughter]

436
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:24,426
"Shit."

437
00:22:28,055 --> 00:22:29,514
'Cause I'm bored, man.

438
00:22:30,223 --> 00:22:31,933
I'm bored. I miss Trump, okay?

439
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:34,895
I don't miss Trump for the politics,
I miss Trump for the chaos.

440
00:22:34,978 --> 00:22:39,483
I miss the madness, I miss the tweets,
I miss the going at people.

441
00:22:39,566 --> 00:22:42,027
'Cause now, here's the thing,
now we got this old dude

442
00:22:42,110 --> 00:22:43,445
who's not doing none of that.

443
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:46,156
You can't go from
that crazy shit to nothing.

444
00:22:46,239 --> 00:22:48,867
We needed a buffer.
I needed something in the middle!

445
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,995
'Cause Trump, 'cause here's the thing--

446
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:54,081
[audience clapping]

447
00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:55,248
Yeah, you can't--

448
00:22:56,541 --> 00:22:59,461
Now, truth be told,

449
00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:02,672
truth be told, I did not vote
for Donald Trump or Joe Biden.

450
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:06,718
As a matter of fact, I said to my friends,
"Fuck it, I'm sitting this one out."

451
00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:10,430
"I'm not doing this shit.
I'm not voting on best of two evils."

452
00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:11,556
"I'm not doing it."

453
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,308
Somebody called,
a friend from Dallas, said,

454
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,811
"Paul, why not reconsider?
Why not do your civil duty?"

455
00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:19,481
"Do a write-in for president
and vote for everything else."

456
00:23:19,564 --> 00:23:20,732
I said okay.

457
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:23,443
Who am I gonna vote for?
I thought about it long and hard.

458
00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:25,153
And then the decision was easy.

459
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:29,449
I voted for a man
who has given so much joy

460
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,368
multiple times to multiple people.

461
00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:36,748
I voted for a man who gives
to Children's Hospitals with cancer.

462
00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:40,419
I voted for a man
who beat Tom Brady and Bill Belichick

463
00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:42,671
not once, but twice in the Superbowl.

464
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:45,215
I voted for Eli Manning,
and that's the truth.

465
00:23:46,299 --> 00:23:47,175
Okay?

466
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:50,554
[audience whooping and clapping]

467
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:51,555
That's the truth.

468
00:23:52,222 --> 00:23:53,056
Now listen,

469
00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:55,767
Eli Manning's face
may not say tough leader…

470
00:23:55,851 --> 00:23:58,562
[laughter]

471
00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:01,148
…but damn it, his heart does.
Do you understand me?

472
00:24:02,941 --> 00:24:05,026
You ever see Biden
just freeze at the podium?

473
00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:08,405
Motherfucker will freeze
for like 15 seconds.

474
00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:10,740
"Yeah, you know."

475
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:18,707
[laughter]

476
00:24:18,790 --> 00:24:22,961
The Mexican dude's like,
"Spit it out, fucker! Shit! Fucking--"

477
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:26,756
"Fucking leg hurts!
What the fuck? I'm tired."

478
00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:31,803
"Fucking leg."

479
00:24:33,430 --> 00:24:36,224
Here's the deal. You know
how you gotta be 35 to be president?

480
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:38,852
You should not be president
after 65 years old.

481
00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:40,812
You should have a 30-year window.

482
00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:42,689
You should have a 30-year window.

483
00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:45,358
[audience clapping]

484
00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:49,613
Listen, I got friends in their fifties,
and all they do is yawn all day.

485
00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:52,157
[yawning]

486
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,493
Sound like the fucking lion
from The Wizard of Oz.

487
00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:56,578
[yawning/growling]

488
00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,248
You should not be
the leader of the free world

489
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:01,666
and need a nap at three o'clock.

490
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,793
[laughter]

491
00:25:04,377 --> 00:25:06,213
"Mr. President,
North Korea's on the phone."

492
00:25:06,296 --> 00:25:07,839
"No, I'm resting my eyes. Just--"

493
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:11,092
"It sounded important, to be honest."

494
00:25:17,098 --> 00:25:19,809
But what have we done?
All we've done, what have we done?

495
00:25:19,893 --> 00:25:21,019
We just watch Netflix.

496
00:25:22,020 --> 00:25:24,814
Everywhere you go, every party,
that's all people talk about.

497
00:25:24,898 --> 00:25:28,485
"What show you watching?
Yeah, we're on season six, it's amazing."

498
00:25:28,568 --> 00:25:31,363
"Isn't it amazing?
Did you see episode three?"

499
00:25:31,446 --> 00:25:33,365
And you'll always hear this,

500
00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:36,451
"Might be the best show I've ever seen.
I'll be honest with you."

501
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:40,247
"It might be the best show
we've ever seen. I'm telling you--"

502
00:25:40,330 --> 00:25:42,832
Guys, it's not that good.
It's not that good.

503
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:46,086
There's a lot of content
because we're bored, okay?

504
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:49,256
It's not that--
Netflix is like T.J. Maxx or Marshalls.

505
00:25:49,339 --> 00:25:50,215
Okay?

506
00:25:51,132 --> 00:25:52,592
You can find good stuff,

507
00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:55,971
but you have to sift through
so much shit to get it.

508
00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:57,931
[audience clapping]

509
00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:06,314
Everything is a remake, a reboot.

510
00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:10,235
Thirty years-- Am I the only person
that finds it ridiculous

511
00:26:10,318 --> 00:26:11,695
that the Karate Kid,

512
00:26:11,778 --> 00:26:13,029
Daniel LaRusso,

513
00:26:13,113 --> 00:26:15,448
is still having issues
with his childhood bully

514
00:26:15,532 --> 00:26:17,492
thirty-five years later?!

515
00:26:18,159 --> 00:26:20,620
Shoot him in the head
or get a real estate broker!

516
00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:24,082
They sucked me in. I watch it.

517
00:26:24,165 --> 00:26:27,210
It's adults doing karate
with high school kids after school.

518
00:26:28,336 --> 00:26:31,673
It's like, "Daniel, go fuck your wife.
The kid's in tenth grade, weirdo."

519
00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:34,259
"What are you doing
karate in your backyard with him?"

520
00:26:38,638 --> 00:26:40,098
How ridiculous-- [chuckles]

521
00:26:43,059 --> 00:26:44,519
I watch, uh…

522
00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:46,730
I watch crime shows,
that's my guilty pleasure.

523
00:26:47,272 --> 00:26:50,442
Guys, I will watch Forensic Files--
This is no shit.

524
00:26:50,525 --> 00:26:53,194
I will watch Forensic Files
from nine o'clock at night

525
00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:55,113
'till three o'clock in the morning,

526
00:26:55,196 --> 00:26:58,533
just husband killing wife
after husband killing wife

527
00:26:58,617 --> 00:26:59,909
after husband killing wife,

528
00:26:59,993 --> 00:27:02,203
and I gotta be honest,
it's not getting old.

529
00:27:02,287 --> 00:27:04,456
[laughter]

530
00:27:05,123 --> 00:27:07,083
Guys, I'm watching crime shows so much,

531
00:27:07,167 --> 00:27:08,543
it's almost unhealthy now,

532
00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:11,463
'cause now I'm starting to see it
from the killer's point of--

533
00:27:12,839 --> 00:27:14,424
[chuckling]

534
00:27:14,507 --> 00:27:15,842
Now when they're like,

535
00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:19,971
"Then he took the body in his pickup truck
and brought it to the cabin in the woods."

536
00:27:20,055 --> 00:27:23,391
I'm like, "They're gonna see tire tracks
in the mud. What's this guy--"

537
00:27:23,975 --> 00:27:26,603
"You gotta incinerate the car
and put her body in acid."

538
00:27:26,686 --> 00:27:28,104
"Doesn't this guy watch TV?"

539
00:27:28,813 --> 00:27:31,358
"There's gonna be DNA
all over the fucking place."

540
00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:37,906
My favorite is serial killer docs.

541
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:41,242
They're my favorite 'cause they
all start the same, all start hilarious.

542
00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:43,787
They all start with, what?
"He was such a nice guy."

543
00:27:45,163 --> 00:27:48,833
Then the neighbor comes on in the trailer,
"Yeah, we never suspected

544
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:51,544
that he would slaughter 14 families."

545
00:27:51,628 --> 00:27:55,090
"We never thought that he would
sever a head with a plastic butter knife."

546
00:27:55,173 --> 00:27:57,842
"He played with our Gregory all the time."

547
00:27:59,844 --> 00:28:02,097
They did two on Ted Bundy.

548
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:04,724
Okay? They did one on Manson.

549
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,893
But the best one, my favorite one,

550
00:28:06,976 --> 00:28:10,355
was the one they did on Jeffrey Dahmer
on Prime called Dahmer on Dahmer.

551
00:28:10,438 --> 00:28:12,816
For people who don't know,
Dahmer's a serial killer,

552
00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:15,860
almost 30 years ago,
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, he was a gay man.

553
00:28:16,361 --> 00:28:18,655
He killed 17 people,

554
00:28:18,738 --> 00:28:22,450
he had sex with their dead bodies in his
bedroom for weeks, and he was a cannibal.

555
00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:26,204
And they're talking to this guy
in a never-seen-before 90-minute doc

556
00:28:26,287 --> 00:28:31,167
before he was killed from jail,
and guys, he was an absolute sweetheart.

557
00:28:31,251 --> 00:28:34,337
-He was the nicest man.
-[crowd laughing]

558
00:28:35,296 --> 00:28:38,049
If I was gay in the '90s in Milwaukee,

559
00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:41,052
he would have ate me,
he would have ate the shit out of me.

560
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:45,765
I'd have called my friends,
"Get to the bar."

561
00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:49,853
"This guy Jeff's buying drinks and he's--
He's an absolute sweetheart."

562
00:28:49,936 --> 00:28:52,355
"He's having people over.
I think he's a sports fan."

563
00:28:54,649 --> 00:28:56,818
It was bizarre how cool this dude was.

564
00:28:56,901 --> 00:29:00,238
And the weird thing about it was,
he was understanding about what he did.

565
00:29:00,321 --> 00:29:03,450
So at one point they were like,
"Jeff, you killed these people

566
00:29:03,533 --> 00:29:08,079
and then had sex with their dead bodies
for weeks," and he goes, "I know, right?"

567
00:29:09,622 --> 00:29:13,877
And it was weird to see him
be understanding like the way that we are,

568
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,921
but then the narrator comes on
and goes, this is true,

569
00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:20,842
"In the 90 minutes of talking to one
of the most notorious killers in history,

570
00:29:20,925 --> 00:29:22,802
Mr. Dahmer was great with our staff,

571
00:29:23,386 --> 00:29:25,263
he answered all of our questions,

572
00:29:25,346 --> 00:29:26,931
he was easy to work with,

573
00:29:27,015 --> 00:29:29,309
even compassionate
about the crimes he committed."

574
00:29:29,392 --> 00:29:31,269
Only one thing bothered him, they asked,

575
00:29:31,352 --> 00:29:35,190
"Jeff, out of your 17 victims,
ten were African American."

576
00:29:35,273 --> 00:29:38,943
"Is there anything to that?" And he goes,
"You're not gonna do that to me. Okay?"

577
00:29:39,027 --> 00:29:39,944
[laughter]

578
00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:41,905
"Listen, you're not gonna do that to me."

579
00:29:42,530 --> 00:29:46,534
"Look, I might have killed, okay?
Then had sex with, all right?"

580
00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:48,828
"Then dismembered and ate, okay?"

581
00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:51,581
"And put the remains in my freezer,
I'm guilty as charged."

582
00:29:51,664 --> 00:29:55,084
"But I'm not gonna sit here
and be called racist. You understand me?"

583
00:29:56,085 --> 00:29:57,504
"Take me back to my cell!"

584
00:29:57,587 --> 00:30:00,131
"I don't know what kind
of piece of shit you think I am."

585
00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:02,217
[laughter]

586
00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:03,885
"How you think I was raised."

587
00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:08,264
[chuckling]

588
00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,518
Even serial killers have white guilt.

589
00:30:11,601 --> 00:30:14,020
[laughter]

590
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,357
You know who they never talk about?

591
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,901
When they talk about serial killers,
who they never talk about?

592
00:30:19,984 --> 00:30:21,861
They never talk about their siblings.

593
00:30:21,945 --> 00:30:23,988
Their siblings go forgotten
because of their actions.

594
00:30:24,072 --> 00:30:26,991
Charles Manson had a brother and sister,
never hear about them.

595
00:30:27,075 --> 00:30:29,786
Jeffrey Dahmer.
Jeffrey Dahmer's got a brother.

596
00:30:29,869 --> 00:30:32,914
That's gotta be hard
just walking around life as Steve Dahmer.

597
00:30:33,039 --> 00:30:35,667
[laughter]

598
00:30:35,750 --> 00:30:38,545
And you know Stevie D's
got a group of friends that love him,

599
00:30:39,629 --> 00:30:41,840
but they also know he's got that DNA.

600
00:30:41,923 --> 00:30:43,883
[laughter]

601
00:30:43,967 --> 00:30:46,553
Stevie D's smoking weed
with his boys one night like,

602
00:30:46,636 --> 00:30:50,265
"You guys wanna get something to eat?"
"Nah, I got shit to do tomorrow, Steven."

603
00:30:51,057 --> 00:30:53,643
"I got a day tomorrow, Steve,
not gonna make this."

604
00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:56,521
"Come on, dick, I'm not gonna eat you."

605
00:30:57,647 --> 00:30:58,648
"It was my brother."

606
00:30:59,816 --> 00:31:00,984
"Damn you, Jeffrey."

607
00:31:05,905 --> 00:31:06,781
Ah, man.

608
00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:08,116
Thank you.

609
00:31:08,199 --> 00:31:11,619
-[audience whopping and clapping]
-[Paul] Thank you.

610
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:16,833
I, uh… I'm half-Sicilian and half-Greek.

611
00:31:16,916 --> 00:31:19,252
My father's 100% Sicilian,
my mother's 100% Greek.

612
00:31:19,335 --> 00:31:23,423
I'm 50-50, and guys, I'm not trying
to find out I'm anything else, okay?

613
00:31:23,506 --> 00:31:26,551
Everybody's running all over
the fucking country doing 23 and Me

614
00:31:26,634 --> 00:31:29,846
finding out they're 2.6% Ecuadorian.
I don't give a shit.

615
00:31:29,929 --> 00:31:31,806
That's also talked about at parties.

616
00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:35,184
"You know I'm part Hungarian?"
It's like, "You know I don't give a fuck?"

617
00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:38,229
"You know I wanna get a hot dog
and get away from you?"

618
00:31:39,856 --> 00:31:43,526
I'm sticking with what I got. I don't care
if an ancestor got fucked in Brazil.

619
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:44,652
I don't care.

620
00:31:46,863 --> 00:31:50,617
My father is old-school Italian.
My father grew up in the Bronx, 1960s.

621
00:31:50,700 --> 00:31:51,701
My father's just got…

622
00:31:51,784 --> 00:31:55,914
My father…
My father's just… gaudy chains.

623
00:31:55,997 --> 00:31:59,959
My father-- Just rings, chains,
just chest hair out.

624
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:02,503
You know, he's just over the fucking top.

625
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:06,132
And when a Sicilian loves you,
right, they can't really be mad at you,

626
00:32:06,215 --> 00:32:08,468
so when he was upset
with me and my brother,

627
00:32:08,551 --> 00:32:10,386
he would say he's a little confused.

628
00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:13,765
When an old Italian person
says they're a little confused,

629
00:32:13,848 --> 00:32:15,391
they're letting you know.

630
00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:18,686
Like my dad will call me up and he'll go,
"Paul, how you doing? Good."

631
00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:23,107
My father would answer three questions
that were not asked to him

632
00:32:23,191 --> 00:32:25,193
at the beginning
of every phone conversation,

633
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:26,778
and he would dive in big.

634
00:32:26,861 --> 00:32:29,322
"Hey, what's going?
Good. Listen, everything's good."

635
00:32:29,405 --> 00:32:30,323
"Listen."

636
00:32:31,115 --> 00:32:33,409
"Just-- You just let me know
when I can talk."

637
00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:39,624
He goes, "Listen, I came across your
comedy bio over there on the Internet."

638
00:32:39,707 --> 00:32:42,335
He talks about the Internet
like it's a location.

639
00:32:42,418 --> 00:32:44,796
"I found it down there.
It wasn't hard. I found it."

640
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:49,175
"I came across your comedy bio.
It was good."

641
00:32:49,258 --> 00:32:51,135
That's how I know he didn't like it.

642
00:32:51,219 --> 00:32:54,973
That's what Italians do, they lift you up
before they kick you in the dick.

643
00:32:56,182 --> 00:32:57,392
"It was good."

644
00:32:57,475 --> 00:33:00,311
He goes,
"But then I noticed as I'm reading,

645
00:33:00,395 --> 00:33:03,147
it said you also come from Greek heritage,
you put on there."

646
00:33:04,232 --> 00:33:06,192
"So I'm a little confused why--"

647
00:33:06,275 --> 00:33:07,860
"Let's leave that out. We don't--"

648
00:33:07,944 --> 00:33:10,780
He acts like he's doing it for you.
"Let's not confuse people."

649
00:33:10,863 --> 00:33:13,199
I was like,
"You remember my mother? Remember?"

650
00:33:13,866 --> 00:33:19,288
My daughter's name is Sophia Erin Virzi,
Sophia Erin, so my dad called me up,

651
00:33:19,372 --> 00:33:21,624
"Paul, how you doing?
Good, everything's good."

652
00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,751
Everything's always good. Everything's…

653
00:33:23,835 --> 00:33:25,461
"Everything's good. Listen,

654
00:33:26,337 --> 00:33:29,549
I want to congratulate you
on your baby girl, my son. Beautiful."

655
00:33:29,632 --> 00:33:34,595
"You named her Sophia?" He goes,
"Beautiful, strong Italian name."

656
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:37,181
"Then I noticed…"

657
00:33:37,265 --> 00:33:39,267
[laughter]

658
00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:41,978
"…her middle name was Erin?"

659
00:33:43,229 --> 00:33:44,647
"I'm a little confused."

660
00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:47,150
"Irish? Get the Irish out."

661
00:33:47,233 --> 00:33:49,485
"We don't need to confuse.
Let's not confuse."

662
00:33:51,904 --> 00:33:53,948
My parents got divorced when I was five,

663
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:57,577
and my brother was ten, and to be
honest with you, it was a brutal divorce.

664
00:33:57,660 --> 00:33:58,828
It was in the early '80s.

665
00:33:58,911 --> 00:34:03,583
My father is Catholic and Sicilian,
so divorce is a no-no, right?

666
00:34:03,666 --> 00:34:07,211
And my dad wouldn't talk to me
or my brother like we were children,

667
00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:10,006
he would talk to us like we were adults,

668
00:34:10,089 --> 00:34:12,258
and he would always use religion wrong.

669
00:34:14,093 --> 00:34:18,097
He'd be like, "Come here, I want to talk
to you about the divorce your mother did."

670
00:34:18,181 --> 00:34:20,183
[laughter]

671
00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:28,399
"Unfortunately, boys,

672
00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:31,277
the Devil invaded our family."

673
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,237
[laughter]

674
00:34:33,321 --> 00:34:35,156
"The Devil came to us

675
00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:37,408
in the form of your mother."

676
00:34:37,492 --> 00:34:39,368
[laughter]

677
00:34:39,452 --> 00:34:42,455
"There was nothing I could do.
He's the Devil. I couldn't--"

678
00:34:43,873 --> 00:34:45,374
And I'm like five and I'm like,

679
00:34:45,458 --> 00:34:48,795
"Wait a minute, two things, one,
are we still going to the movies?"

680
00:34:50,296 --> 00:34:52,465
"And two, I live with the Devil?"

681
00:34:52,548 --> 00:34:54,133
[Paul chuckles]

682
00:34:55,134 --> 00:34:57,887
My dad doesn't give a fuck, dude.
My dad is…

683
00:34:58,471 --> 00:35:00,890
[chuckles] My dad called me up once,

684
00:35:00,973 --> 00:35:04,143
"Hey, Paul, you know I don't go
for this hip-hop shit, you know that?"

685
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:07,480
I was like,
"Yeah, nothing about you says…"

686
00:35:07,563 --> 00:35:10,024
[laughter]

687
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:13,069
He goes, "I don't like this hip-hop shit,
but I'll tell you what."

688
00:35:13,152 --> 00:35:16,197
"These rappers, they know their jewelry.
They know their--"

689
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,658
He watches rap videos for the gaudy shit.

690
00:35:19,909 --> 00:35:21,828
"That 2 Chainz kid, his music is shit,

691
00:35:21,911 --> 00:35:24,205
but the kid knows
what he's doing around the neck."

692
00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:30,878
My favorite thing about my father,
the funniest thing about my father,

693
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:34,423
is when my father is in a restaurant,
my father is really embarrassing.

694
00:35:34,507 --> 00:35:36,592
Me and my brother get scared
'cause my father

695
00:35:36,676 --> 00:35:38,886
only had Sundays and Wednesdays
with us growing up,

696
00:35:38,970 --> 00:35:40,346
and food was the most important,

697
00:35:40,429 --> 00:35:42,557
more than his health,
more than his family.

698
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:43,766
Food had to be good.

699
00:35:43,850 --> 00:35:47,603
If we had dinner and food was bad
at a restaurant, cancel fucking Christmas.

700
00:35:48,813 --> 00:35:50,398
My father wouldn't have that shit.

701
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:53,276
I loved watching my father read a menu.

702
00:35:53,901 --> 00:35:56,487
My father would read a menu
like he was cramming for the bar exam.

703
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:58,197
[laughter]

704
00:35:58,281 --> 00:35:59,949
He would look at it, right?

705
00:36:00,032 --> 00:36:02,618
He'd go in and he'd look around,
make sure nobody else--

706
00:36:02,702 --> 00:36:04,078
Like it was a secret.

707
00:36:05,746 --> 00:36:06,956
Then he would come up.

708
00:36:08,207 --> 00:36:11,419
Then he would go back down,
order the same thing for 30 years. Just--

709
00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:13,129
He did the same thing for 30 years.

710
00:36:13,212 --> 00:36:16,257
[audience clapping]

711
00:36:16,340 --> 00:36:17,592
But if the food was bad--

712
00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:21,220
One time, my brother and I are in there,
nervous. He could be hard on waiters.

713
00:36:21,304 --> 00:36:24,724
I see my dad in a place, it's not good,
he just calls somebody--

714
00:36:24,807 --> 00:36:27,602
He'll call nobody.
"Yeah, it's Sunday, I brought my family."

715
00:36:28,269 --> 00:36:30,479
"Dad, everybody brought
their family, everybody."

716
00:36:30,563 --> 00:36:31,981
"Everybody brought their family."

717
00:36:32,940 --> 00:36:35,109
"No, it's Sunday, we can't. This is--"

718
00:36:35,943 --> 00:36:38,154
So… so, one day…

719
00:36:38,237 --> 00:36:39,197
One day…

720
00:36:39,822 --> 00:36:43,326
me… me and my older brother, Christian,

721
00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:46,871
we-- we watch my dad,
they put his food in front of him.

722
00:36:46,954 --> 00:36:48,664
He's about to take his first bite,

723
00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:50,708
which could dictate
the rest of the evening.

724
00:36:52,001 --> 00:36:55,963
Right? And he takes a bite,
and I notice it's not good.

725
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:57,006
I see it register.

726
00:36:57,089 --> 00:36:59,217
He doesn't say anything,
he doesn't do anything,

727
00:36:59,300 --> 00:37:02,220
I just see, and I'm like,
"Shit, I should go to the bathroom."

728
00:37:02,303 --> 00:37:03,679
[laughter]

729
00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:05,181
"This is not gonna be good."

730
00:37:05,264 --> 00:37:09,060
And my dad bites it and just goes,
"Oh no," and dropped the fork.

731
00:37:09,143 --> 00:37:13,064
He sounded like Pesci right before
he got whacked at the end of Goodfellas.

732
00:37:13,147 --> 00:37:16,734
[audience clapping]

733
00:37:16,817 --> 00:37:19,862
I wanted to run up to the waiter and go,
"Kid, get the fuck out of here."

734
00:37:19,946 --> 00:37:22,281
"Get out of here
and never come back again."

735
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:27,078
If my father was a comic,

736
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:29,705
he'd be cancelled
90 seconds into his first set.

737
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,125
"What'd he say? Cut the mic. Arrest him."

738
00:37:34,460 --> 00:37:35,544
"He's gone too far."

739
00:37:36,212 --> 00:37:38,130
Are things too far? I don't know.

740
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:40,258
You know,
I think in comedy, it shouldn't be.

741
00:37:40,341 --> 00:37:42,134
I got me and my family.

742
00:37:42,218 --> 00:37:43,594
We all got COVID-19

743
00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:46,347
literally March, 2020.

744
00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:48,140
We got that shit the day--

745
00:37:48,224 --> 00:37:50,643
We got it like we were waiting
for an album to drop.

746
00:37:50,726 --> 00:37:51,936
[laughter]

747
00:37:52,019 --> 00:37:54,272
We got the OG. We got--

748
00:37:54,355 --> 00:37:56,983
Our COVID's leaning against the wall
with a cigarette now.

749
00:37:57,066 --> 00:37:58,234
"I started this shit."

750
00:38:02,571 --> 00:38:06,242
And that allowed me to have antibodies
that allowed me to go out and work,

751
00:38:06,325 --> 00:38:08,411
so I was able to go
to Texas and to Arizona,

752
00:38:08,494 --> 00:38:11,831
I was able to go to these places
I could go and work. I had antibodies.

753
00:38:11,914 --> 00:38:14,792
I wanted to find out,
after everybody got locked in their home

754
00:38:14,875 --> 00:38:16,961
and people died and got sick, I was like,

755
00:38:17,044 --> 00:38:20,256
"Maybe people will be easygoing at clubs.
Maybe things will be easier."

756
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:23,134
And for the most part it is,
but there's still pockets.

757
00:38:23,676 --> 00:38:26,345
There's still pockets, white women.

758
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:27,388
Listen.

759
00:38:27,471 --> 00:38:29,724
[laughter]

760
00:38:29,807 --> 00:38:31,892
There's still pockets of, "Why would he…"

761
00:38:32,893 --> 00:38:34,562
"What-- Why would he…"

762
00:38:35,521 --> 00:38:38,649
"Why would he tell a joke
at a comedy club? Why?"

763
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:40,651
[laughter]

764
00:38:40,735 --> 00:38:43,154
"Why would he bring us joy
while we're drinking?"

765
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:50,286
This woman in New York City heard me
say the words, "I don't like the WNBA."

766
00:38:50,369 --> 00:38:53,956
Now, I didn't say I don't respect it
or that I don't want my daughter to do it

767
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:56,125
or that I don't like people that like it,

768
00:38:56,208 --> 00:38:58,836
I just said me-- I just want--
Can we have an opinion?

769
00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:02,131
I said I don't like it,
and this woman went from enjoying me

770
00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:04,091
to arms crossed…

771
00:39:06,093 --> 00:39:07,678
shaking her head in disgust.

772
00:39:07,762 --> 00:39:10,389
And her and her girlfriend,
they looked at me as if to say,

773
00:39:10,473 --> 00:39:12,850
"Why, Paul? Why? 'Cause it's women?"

774
00:39:12,933 --> 00:39:14,560
"Typical. Misogynist."

775
00:39:14,643 --> 00:39:17,355
Has no idea I have a little girl
at home I take to hockey,

776
00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:19,106
to flag football, to soccer.

777
00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:21,901
Has no idea that I have
a strong surviving mother

778
00:39:21,984 --> 00:39:23,819
and a strong wife who's a good mother.

779
00:39:23,903 --> 00:39:27,281
This woman just heard me say the words,
"I don't like the WNBA"

780
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:29,909
and turned me
into a misogynistic piece of shit.

781
00:39:29,992 --> 00:39:33,829
Guys, I don't like the WNBA
because it fucking stinks!

782
00:39:33,913 --> 00:39:35,831
That's why I don't like it. All right?

783
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:40,920
I don't like it 'cause I watched an NBA
game where a guy dunked from the foul line

784
00:39:41,003 --> 00:39:43,756
while shoving his nuts
down another man's throat, okay?

785
00:39:43,839 --> 00:39:45,883
I'm sorry if that's more entertaining

786
00:39:45,966 --> 00:39:49,053
than some chick using all her might
to hoist up a rainbow three

787
00:39:49,136 --> 00:39:51,931
in a half-empty arena
at an Indian fucking casino.

788
00:39:52,014 --> 00:39:55,601
[audience laughing and clapping]

789
00:39:58,229 --> 00:40:00,189
Maybe when these chicks
start dunking on each other

790
00:40:00,272 --> 00:40:02,274
with their muffs in each other's faces.

791
00:40:04,151 --> 00:40:05,903
"Take it, Janet. We're up three!"

792
00:40:05,986 --> 00:40:07,988
[laughter]

793
00:40:09,740 --> 00:40:12,493
Why not lower the hoop to six feet
so we can enjoy ourselves,

794
00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:13,994
for crying out loud?

795
00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:15,037
Fuck out of here!

796
00:40:15,663 --> 00:40:17,915
I just saw the Greek Freak
dunk with his dick.

797
00:40:17,998 --> 00:40:19,417
You think I wanna see this?

798
00:40:25,714 --> 00:40:28,801
I don't care if any of you women
didn't like that. My wife does.

799
00:40:28,884 --> 00:40:30,261
My wife likes that joke.

800
00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:35,015
My wife is hilarious.
My wife and I, we had sex the other day.

801
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:38,227
The only reason
why I bring that up is because

802
00:40:38,310 --> 00:40:40,563
we got a 12-year-old and a nine-year-old.

803
00:40:40,646 --> 00:40:42,773
-It's hard to be intimate…
-[woman laughs]

804
00:40:42,857 --> 00:40:45,109
…when you have those ages.
Did you hear that laugh?

805
00:40:45,192 --> 00:40:46,360
[laughter]

806
00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:49,321
That was experience.
She was like, "Oh, he ain't kidding."

807
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,158
She had that, "Honey, for real."

808
00:40:53,826 --> 00:40:55,661
When you want to have sex with your wife

809
00:40:55,744 --> 00:40:59,081
and you have a 12-year-old
and a nine-year-old, you become a creep.

810
00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:02,126
I found myself in my bedroom,
I put my fingers through the blinds,

811
00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:04,712
I pulled them down, I go,
"They're in the driveway."

812
00:41:05,254 --> 00:41:08,007
"We got eight minutes.
Pull your pants down." Ever do that?

813
00:41:08,090 --> 00:41:10,217
"Pull your pants down,
I'll make it quick."

814
00:41:10,301 --> 00:41:13,721
And I think it's romantic,
and my wife just sees her bald husband

815
00:41:13,804 --> 00:41:16,599
with Jordans on
and his dick out like "Ehh!"

816
00:41:16,682 --> 00:41:18,017
[laughter]

817
00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:20,227
"Eh, do you wanna fuck this? Ehh!"

818
00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:22,563
"Is this romantic? Ehh!"

819
00:41:23,355 --> 00:41:25,649
"Aren't you glad you married me? Ehh!"

820
00:41:29,612 --> 00:41:32,156
Chasing her around
like a goblin with his dick out.

821
00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:33,991
[laughter]

822
00:41:34,074 --> 00:41:37,953
Ladies, the things you put up with
with dudes in your life is commendable.

823
00:41:38,037 --> 00:41:42,458
Just a grown man running after you naked
with sneakers on like he's at a beach.

824
00:41:49,048 --> 00:41:54,261
So my wife, we have sex and we're done,
she goes, "Paul, I'm scared."

825
00:41:55,221 --> 00:41:59,975
"I need you to go to Walgreens
or CVS right now and get a Plan B."

826
00:42:00,643 --> 00:42:03,437
I'm like, "No, it's not necessary."

827
00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:05,439
I was a gentleman. I pulled out.

828
00:42:06,232 --> 00:42:08,108
I don't know why
that makes me a gentleman.

829
00:42:08,192 --> 00:42:09,026
[laughter]

830
00:42:09,109 --> 00:42:11,695
I didn't thrust out, I backed out softly.

831
00:42:16,158 --> 00:42:18,953
And she goes,
"Paul, we can't have another baby."

832
00:42:19,036 --> 00:42:21,705
I'm like, "It's impossible. No worries."
She goes, "Paul!"

833
00:42:22,331 --> 00:42:24,500
Listen, I've been married almost 14 years.

834
00:42:24,583 --> 00:42:26,877
When the woman in your life
looks you in the face

835
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:29,129
and says your first name
with that intensity,

836
00:42:29,755 --> 00:42:32,132
don't die on that hill.
Just go. I said to myself--

837
00:42:32,216 --> 00:42:34,843
I turned it positive.
"You know what, we need toothpaste."

838
00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:38,514
"I'm gonna get toothpaste
and gummy bears, so…"

839
00:42:39,139 --> 00:42:41,892
I'll turn it into a CVS night.
Think I give a fuck? I--

840
00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:48,482
So now, I'm in CVS,

841
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:51,777
and I gotta buy a Plan B,
and that shit is awkward.

842
00:42:51,860 --> 00:42:53,696
It's not like buying tampons or condoms.

843
00:42:53,779 --> 00:42:55,072
You buy tampons or condoms,

844
00:42:55,155 --> 00:42:59,076
they don't know if it's gonna sit in there
in a cabinet for months, years.

845
00:42:59,660 --> 00:43:03,122
You buy a Plan B, they know you did shit
you need to take care of now.

846
00:43:04,039 --> 00:43:05,541
You are on a clock.

847
00:43:06,959 --> 00:43:10,045
So now I'm looking for this Plan B
'cause I can't ask for it, right?

848
00:43:10,129 --> 00:43:11,755
"Where's your abortion aisle?"

849
00:43:11,839 --> 00:43:15,301
"Where's your baby-killer,
the 'take care of it' shit, is it--"

850
00:43:15,926 --> 00:43:17,928
"The baby-kill--
Is it near the Twizzlers?"

851
00:43:24,768 --> 00:43:27,271
So I find this pill, it's $65.

852
00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:32,610
I'm literally spending $65
to just avoid an argument with my wife.

853
00:43:33,527 --> 00:43:35,154
By the way, money well spent.

854
00:43:36,947 --> 00:43:39,116
Like all the dudes, "Yes, it is. Yes."

855
00:43:40,367 --> 00:43:44,955
So now I'm on line with the $65 Plan B
I don't need, and I'm like next in line,

856
00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:47,416
and people have like
toilet paper and dog food,

857
00:43:47,499 --> 00:43:49,001
and I'm just sitting there,

858
00:43:49,084 --> 00:43:52,046
I'm next, and she calls me up,
and I put it on the counter.

859
00:43:52,129 --> 00:43:54,757
It's a middle-aged woman,
we make eye-contact,

860
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:57,885
and all I could say, I just go,
"What are you gonna do, you know?"

861
00:43:57,968 --> 00:44:02,014
[laughter and applause]

862
00:44:03,140 --> 00:44:05,768
[Paul chuckling]

863
00:44:07,895 --> 00:44:10,814
You been there before, right?
Let's nip this thing in the bud!

864
00:44:14,193 --> 00:44:16,528
[audience whooping and clapping]

865
00:44:21,784 --> 00:44:22,868
And let's be honest,

866
00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:26,163
if you have sex and the first move
you make is to get a Plan B,

867
00:44:26,246 --> 00:44:28,332
that wasn't plan B. That was--

868
00:44:28,874 --> 00:44:32,044
Plan B is just skipping town
and never talking to her again. That's--

869
00:44:32,127 --> 00:44:33,504
That was plan B.

870
00:44:36,173 --> 00:44:38,008
You know what's funny
about me and my wife?

871
00:44:38,092 --> 00:44:39,635
We never get into big fights.

872
00:44:39,718 --> 00:44:43,472
The littlest spark
just makes something big, you know?

873
00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:45,474
'Cause listen, guys,
I'm a nocturnal beast.

874
00:44:45,557 --> 00:44:46,725
This is what I do.

875
00:44:46,809 --> 00:44:48,018
I'm a nocturnal animal.

876
00:44:48,102 --> 00:44:50,312
Even when I was a kid
before I was doing comedy,

877
00:44:50,396 --> 00:44:51,397
I'm a night dude.

878
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:57,152
So I like to sleep, not too late,
but give me 'till fucking 9:30, 10:30.

879
00:44:58,195 --> 00:45:00,322
My wife is one of these 7:15's.

880
00:45:01,323 --> 00:45:04,284
You know those 7:15's,
and she knows I'm in bed

881
00:45:04,368 --> 00:45:06,578
and she knows I want a couple more hours,

882
00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:08,622
but she just starts
hovering around the bed.

883
00:45:09,540 --> 00:45:10,624
Starts going this way--

884
00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:13,877
She's like a vulture
circling a dead body, just like--

885
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:15,963
[cawing] "It's nice out!"

886
00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:18,757
[cawing] "You wanna go to brunch?"

887
00:45:19,842 --> 00:45:21,802
[cawing] "Don't waste a day."

888
00:45:22,428 --> 00:45:24,388
[cawing]
"The kids wanna do something."

889
00:45:25,055 --> 00:45:27,975
Like, "God slip me into a coma
for seven hours."

890
00:45:32,187 --> 00:45:35,899
Here's the biggest fight me and my wife
get into. This is the biggest fight.

891
00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:38,736
"Babe, what do you want to eat
for dinner?" That's it!

892
00:45:39,319 --> 00:45:40,571
Why is that so hard?

893
00:45:40,654 --> 00:45:43,449
"Babe, what do you want?"
"I don't know, you figure it out."

894
00:45:43,532 --> 00:45:46,493
"I don't wanna think about it."
She acts like it's a tragedy.

895
00:45:46,577 --> 00:45:48,328
"I don't even wanna think about it."

896
00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:50,289
"I don't wanna think about it."

897
00:45:50,372 --> 00:45:53,834
I'm like, "All right, fine, so then, fine,
so you want to do Mexican?"

898
00:45:53,917 --> 00:45:54,752
"Nah."

899
00:45:54,835 --> 00:45:55,836
[laughter]

900
00:45:55,919 --> 00:45:59,173
"Nah, I don't think so.
We had it not long ago."

901
00:45:59,256 --> 00:46:02,009
"So, all right, cool,
so then maybe I'll just go to town."

902
00:46:02,092 --> 00:46:03,802
"What part of town you gonna go?"

903
00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:09,933
"I don't know. I have a car, remember?
So I can step on the gas and go anywhere."

904
00:46:12,895 --> 00:46:13,979
[chuckles]

905
00:46:14,062 --> 00:46:15,814
"No." "All right, fine, Italian."

906
00:46:15,898 --> 00:46:17,983
"Eh, no." "Let's get divorced!"

907
00:46:18,066 --> 00:46:20,736
"That'll be a quicker process,
getting a divorce lawyer

908
00:46:20,819 --> 00:46:23,238
rather than picking Chinese
or fucking Italian food!"

909
00:46:28,118 --> 00:46:30,788
And listen,
I don't mean to pick on women or my wife.

910
00:46:30,871 --> 00:46:32,915
Ladies, we need you. You're emotionally--

911
00:46:32,998 --> 00:46:36,001
Being an emotionally strong woman,
able to talk to my wife,

912
00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:37,586
is amazing, smart, all that shit,

913
00:46:37,669 --> 00:46:40,672
but I always hear a sentence
women say that I never hear a man--

914
00:46:40,756 --> 00:46:43,926
You always hear women say this,
"He's so lucky to have her."

915
00:46:45,260 --> 00:46:48,180
"He is so lucky to have her.
Isn't he so lucky--"

916
00:46:48,263 --> 00:46:49,473
You act like you found us

917
00:46:49,556 --> 00:46:53,018
in a puddle of our own piss, blood,
and vomit with two broken legs,

918
00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:55,562
like, how would we have ever
gone on without you?

919
00:46:57,064 --> 00:47:00,234
"Isn't he--" And ladies,
a lot of us are very lucky to have you.

920
00:47:00,317 --> 00:47:02,486
We're lucky to be with you.
But you know what?

921
00:47:02,569 --> 00:47:03,529
A lot of you ladies,

922
00:47:03,612 --> 00:47:07,199
you're lucky to be with the fucking dude
you're with too, it goes both ways.

923
00:47:07,866 --> 00:47:08,909
Okay?

924
00:47:08,992 --> 00:47:09,910
[clapping]

925
00:47:09,993 --> 00:47:13,622
You guys met at that same shitty bar.
You weren't doing that much better.

926
00:47:14,706 --> 00:47:18,418
It's not like she was a fucking senator
giving a speech, like, "Hold on a second."

927
00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:19,711
[laughter]

928
00:47:19,795 --> 00:47:22,464
"You see that homeless guy
pissing his pants right there?"

929
00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:25,676
"Bring him over here,
I'm gonna change his life."

930
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:32,558
"What would he do without her?"

931
00:47:32,641 --> 00:47:35,519
I don't know, get an apartment,
move on with his life? I…

932
00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:38,230
I think what anybody would fucking do.

933
00:47:43,819 --> 00:47:44,862
I just say yes.

934
00:47:45,821 --> 00:47:48,657
When it comes to life,
I just jumped in the deep end, man.

935
00:47:48,740 --> 00:47:50,534
I married the woman
I said I was gonna marry,

936
00:47:50,617 --> 00:47:51,952
I got a house in the country,

937
00:47:52,035 --> 00:47:55,873
I got kids, I got a dog, cat, guinea pigs.
I just say yes.

938
00:47:56,707 --> 00:47:58,250
You wanna know my weakness?

939
00:47:58,333 --> 00:48:00,252
All my friends make fun of me about this,

940
00:48:00,335 --> 00:48:02,838
and if you guys know me
or you listen to any podcast,

941
00:48:02,921 --> 00:48:04,965
I am the least cheap,

942
00:48:05,048 --> 00:48:08,385
least frugal person
you have ever laid your fucking eyes on.

943
00:48:09,052 --> 00:48:11,054
If I had 300 million dollars tomorrow,

944
00:48:11,138 --> 00:48:13,557
there'd be a documentary in five years
how I blew that shit.

945
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:18,645
I am so bad with money,
it drives my-- This is how bad it is.

946
00:48:18,729 --> 00:48:20,898
The other day I said to my wife,
"Let's get a horse."

947
00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:22,858
[laughter]

948
00:48:22,941 --> 00:48:26,653
She said, "Paul, where the fuck
are we gonna keep a horse?"

949
00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:28,655
I said, "We'll figure it out."

950
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:36,788
We live up where people have acres of land
and ponies and horses and shit,

951
00:48:36,872 --> 00:48:38,874
and I don't like my neighbors
one-upping me,

952
00:48:40,375 --> 00:48:44,087
so I said to my wife, "You know if we get
big money, I'm gonna get some shit."

953
00:48:44,171 --> 00:48:47,424
And she goes, "What do you mean?"
"What if we got an endangered dolphin?

954
00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:49,509
[laughter]

955
00:48:49,593 --> 00:48:51,762
How gangster would that be

956
00:48:51,845 --> 00:48:55,641
if I made my backyard
four Olympic-size pools, heated,

957
00:48:55,724 --> 00:48:57,935
and I threw
an endangered dolphin back there?

958
00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:01,521
My neighbor's like,
"Have the kids jump on the pony."

959
00:49:01,605 --> 00:49:04,858
"Oh, pony? Jump on my fish,
sign a waiver. How about that?"

960
00:49:04,942 --> 00:49:07,152
"Have the fish
take you around the fucking yard."

961
00:49:13,408 --> 00:49:15,285
The other day… the other day

962
00:49:15,369 --> 00:49:19,247
I went to the store to get my cat's food,
and I just saw this woman there.

963
00:49:19,331 --> 00:49:20,958
She's a millennial woman, and she--

964
00:49:21,041 --> 00:49:23,794
You ever see somebody
and you know they're judging you?

965
00:49:23,877 --> 00:49:26,838
And I was buying cat food,
and I think she was judging me

966
00:49:26,922 --> 00:49:29,967
'cause I think she didn't like
that somebody that looked like me

967
00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:31,385
was taking care of cats.

968
00:49:33,011 --> 00:49:34,471
I felt that from her.

969
00:49:35,138 --> 00:49:37,724
So I put the cat food up
and she just goes, "Oh."

970
00:49:38,475 --> 00:49:40,143
"You got some kitties at home?"

971
00:49:41,812 --> 00:49:43,689
[laughter]

972
00:49:43,772 --> 00:49:46,400
No, my wife likes Iams Hairball Control.

973
00:49:47,401 --> 00:49:50,070
Uh, my wife licks her arms, so I figured--

974
00:49:50,946 --> 00:49:54,074
She's an arm licker,
so I figured maybe we'd give this a whirl.

975
00:49:55,784 --> 00:49:57,577
And then she tried to out cat-lover me.

976
00:49:58,203 --> 00:50:01,373
She goes, "I have a couple cats
at home too, sir. They're rescues."

977
00:50:01,456 --> 00:50:03,625
I was like, "Sounds more like a capture."

978
00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:06,962
And then she hit me with,

979
00:50:07,045 --> 00:50:09,506
"Let me ask you, sir,
what breed of cat do you have?"

980
00:50:09,589 --> 00:50:12,759
Who asks somebody what breed of cat--

981
00:50:12,843 --> 00:50:16,221
I'm never gonna go to your house,
"Oh, you have an Alaskan asshole."

982
00:50:16,304 --> 00:50:17,305
I don't give a fuck.

983
00:50:17,389 --> 00:50:19,433
I have an American "lucky to be alive."

984
00:50:19,516 --> 00:50:22,686
I have an American
"lucky it's not shivering in an alleyway."

985
00:50:22,769 --> 00:50:24,062
That's the type of cat.

986
00:50:25,230 --> 00:50:28,483
I have an American "I give it tuna
when I'm too lazy to get food."

987
00:50:30,819 --> 00:50:31,903
There's a fine line.

988
00:50:32,654 --> 00:50:35,157
There is a fine line
between being an animal lover

989
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:38,577
and being psychologically damaged,
and I truly believe that. Okay?

990
00:50:39,327 --> 00:50:44,207
I did a joke about pit bulls in 2009
in Cincinnati, Ohio, okay?

991
00:50:44,291 --> 00:50:47,002
And I was a younger comic,
the joke was fine,

992
00:50:47,085 --> 00:50:50,589
this is like right around when YouTube
was giving comedians burn.

993
00:50:50,672 --> 00:50:53,383
We could get our shit out,
and it was '09, and like I said,

994
00:50:53,467 --> 00:50:56,511
I was a younger comic,
it's a fine joke, something like,

995
00:50:56,595 --> 00:50:59,848
"I know pit bulls can be great,
I've seen it. I have friends with them."

996
00:50:59,931 --> 00:51:03,101
"But let's be honest, there's a reason
drug dealers down in Baltimore

997
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:06,188
aren't walking with Golden Retrievers."
Something like that, right?

998
00:51:06,772 --> 00:51:08,940
Nobody's going to a kilo deal
with a Pomeranian.

999
00:51:09,024 --> 00:51:11,151
It's… it's a fine joke.

1000
00:51:11,693 --> 00:51:12,569
Now…

1001
00:51:12,652 --> 00:51:14,905
[laughter]

1002
00:51:14,988 --> 00:51:17,157
I made the rookie move,

1003
00:51:17,240 --> 00:51:19,618
I made the rookie move
of looking at comments,

1004
00:51:19,701 --> 00:51:20,952
and we can't do that today.

1005
00:51:21,036 --> 00:51:25,040
Today, I'm just gonna stand up here,
I'm gonna say jokes, I'm fucking around,

1006
00:51:25,123 --> 00:51:28,251
and I can stand by everything I say,
and hopefully you guys are fans,

1007
00:51:28,335 --> 00:51:31,463
you like it, if not, fuck off,
that's fine, that's the way it works.

1008
00:51:31,546 --> 00:51:33,423
Listen, that's the way that it works.

1009
00:51:33,507 --> 00:51:35,801
We-- It's nobody's business.

1010
00:51:35,884 --> 00:51:38,845
[audience clapping]

1011
00:51:38,929 --> 00:51:41,348
But I'll tell you,
sometimes it's hard, you know?

1012
00:51:41,431 --> 00:51:45,769
I have my manager, agent,
"Paul, don't look at that shit."

1013
00:51:45,852 --> 00:51:48,563
The more you do comedy,
the more, "Don't look at that shit."

1014
00:51:48,647 --> 00:51:51,274
It's hard, though,
because my Comedy Central special,

1015
00:51:51,358 --> 00:51:54,778
98 positive reviews, one bad,
I go, "I'll kill this kid's mother."

1016
00:51:54,861 --> 00:51:56,738
I don't give a fuck. It's hard.

1017
00:51:58,406 --> 00:52:00,367
Right? So I don't look anymore.

1018
00:52:00,450 --> 00:52:03,161
But then I looked,
and this comment exists today.

1019
00:52:03,245 --> 00:52:04,996
A woman, it's on YouTube, she said,

1020
00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:08,750
"Did you see comedian Paul Virzi's joke
about pit bulls on YouTube here?"

1021
00:52:08,834 --> 00:52:12,045
"It's disgusting, and I bet you
he kills dogs like Mike Vick did."

1022
00:52:12,129 --> 00:52:14,047
-[audience moaning]
-Yeah. Then her girlfriend

1023
00:52:14,131 --> 00:52:15,173
goes underneath and goes,

1024
00:52:15,257 --> 00:52:17,968
"Yeah, it would be really sad
if Paul had animals of his own."

1025
00:52:18,051 --> 00:52:20,095
And that hurt me
'cause she doesn't know me.

1026
00:52:20,178 --> 00:52:22,347
She doesn't know who I am.
I wanted to meet her.

1027
00:52:22,430 --> 00:52:24,766
I actually fantasized
about going to her house,

1028
00:52:24,850 --> 00:52:27,435
talking to her,
and killing her dog in front of her.

1029
00:52:27,519 --> 00:52:29,521
[laughter]

1030
00:52:29,604 --> 00:52:31,773
Just like,
"You were right, bitch. You gotta--"

1031
00:52:31,857 --> 00:52:34,151
[audience laughing and clapping]

1032
00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:42,534
Getting a little older though, man. I, uh…

1033
00:52:42,617 --> 00:52:44,744
I'm having problems
with my dick, dude. I…

1034
00:52:45,829 --> 00:52:48,498
It's weird, you know?
'Cause I'm a hypochondriac.

1035
00:52:48,582 --> 00:52:49,624
I'm a hypochondriac.

1036
00:52:49,708 --> 00:52:52,836
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac 'cause
my mother was sick when I was younger.

1037
00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:57,299
Doctors say that's probably what it is,
but I go from zero to terminal quick.

1038
00:52:58,508 --> 00:53:01,094
I go-- If I have a pain
in my foot for three days,

1039
00:53:01,178 --> 00:53:05,265
I'm like, "It's a brain tumor."
It's a message from the tumor to the foot.

1040
00:53:05,348 --> 00:53:08,143
I'll start shopping wheelchairs,
I'll start shopping chairs.

1041
00:53:11,688 --> 00:53:14,733
Is there like some 2022 shit
that'll prop me up and maybe--

1042
00:53:14,816 --> 00:53:16,902
I'll start looking
for crazy shit like that.

1043
00:53:16,985 --> 00:53:19,654
I had this thing though
where I would take a piss, right,

1044
00:53:19,738 --> 00:53:20,989
and then I'd put it away,

1045
00:53:21,990 --> 00:53:23,742
and then I would start walking,

1046
00:53:23,825 --> 00:53:25,911
and then I'm pissing all over myself.

1047
00:53:27,454 --> 00:53:29,789
So like my dick would turn off,
and I'm done,

1048
00:53:30,665 --> 00:53:34,002
and I'd start walking, it'd turn back on,
I start pissing all over myself.

1049
00:53:36,213 --> 00:53:38,673
I have a full-fledged panic attack.

1050
00:53:39,424 --> 00:53:41,551
Call the doctor,
"Doc, I got some going on."

1051
00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:43,887
"I think I might have a dick tumor.
I don't know."

1052
00:53:43,970 --> 00:53:45,388
[laughter]

1053
00:53:45,472 --> 00:53:49,142
And he goes, "Yeah, Paul,
that's not a thing. That's not…"

1054
00:53:50,310 --> 00:53:52,479
[chuckling] I was like,
"You gotta take a look."

1055
00:53:52,562 --> 00:53:54,147
So I go in there, and he goes,

1056
00:53:54,231 --> 00:53:57,317
"Paul, listen, I need you
to drop your pants and shorts."

1057
00:53:57,400 --> 00:53:59,945
When a doctor tells me
to drop my pants and shorts,

1058
00:54:00,028 --> 00:54:01,571
I just go pants first.

1059
00:54:02,364 --> 00:54:04,032
Okay? I need you to reiterate.

1060
00:54:04,866 --> 00:54:08,370
What kind of lunatic just goes dick out,
"Hey Doc, what's good?" Like?

1061
00:54:08,453 --> 00:54:10,997
Let me put my fucking toe
in the water, you know?

1062
00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:14,501
[chuckles] You don't go, dick out,
"Let's rock and roll. What's up, Doc?"

1063
00:54:14,584 --> 00:54:17,504
"Everything good? Yeah?
How's it looking? Is it all right?"

1064
00:54:21,091 --> 00:54:23,218
So he goes, "No, Paul, and the shorts."

1065
00:54:23,301 --> 00:54:24,302
And I go, "I know."

1066
00:54:25,178 --> 00:54:27,389
"Is everything good? The kids good? Yeah?"

1067
00:54:27,472 --> 00:54:30,308
"Yeah, team doing good? Yeah."

1068
00:54:30,392 --> 00:54:34,104
And then I'm just standing
in this cold, sterile, white room,

1069
00:54:35,021 --> 00:54:38,066
my pants, shorts,
everything down to my ankles.

1070
00:54:38,149 --> 00:54:40,026
It's just-- My dick's out, I'm just--

1071
00:54:40,110 --> 00:54:41,987
And he's just walking around.

1072
00:54:43,154 --> 00:54:46,825
He's letting me stand there with my dick.
He's just fumbling around on a--

1073
00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:48,952
"Yo, Doc, this is not--"

1074
00:54:50,537 --> 00:54:53,790
And then finally, I hear the glove, I hear
the… [mimics glove snapping in place]

1075
00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:57,711
He walks up to me,
and I'm nervous around doctors,

1076
00:54:57,794 --> 00:55:02,632
so I started to tense up,
and he looked in my dick-head, I--

1077
00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:04,134
[laughter]

1078
00:55:04,217 --> 00:55:07,345
He's looking, and I don't know
if anybody here has ever had a doctor

1079
00:55:07,429 --> 00:55:09,306
look in their dick-hole before,

1080
00:55:10,140 --> 00:55:13,018
but when a doctor does it,
it's not just a quick glance.

1081
00:55:13,727 --> 00:55:16,479
This man was intently looking.

1082
00:55:17,063 --> 00:55:19,649
He looked like a jeweler
looking at a diamond, just--

1083
00:55:19,733 --> 00:55:24,904
[audience laughing and clapping]

1084
00:55:24,988 --> 00:55:26,239
Look at all this.

1085
00:55:26,323 --> 00:55:27,532
Looking in there!

1086
00:55:28,491 --> 00:55:32,829
Guys, hand to God, I was so nervous,
scared, and cold in this moment,

1087
00:55:32,912 --> 00:55:34,331
my dick was so small,

1088
00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:36,624
I actually said
I gotta chub it up for him.

1089
00:55:36,708 --> 00:55:39,836
Swear to God, I gotta slap it around.
I can't have him thinking I--

1090
00:55:39,919 --> 00:55:42,213
"It's not that small,
I swear to God. I can't--"

1091
00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:47,344
But I don't want to get a full-on rager
'cause then he can't do the exam.

1092
00:55:47,427 --> 00:55:50,180
He's like, "This is filled with blood,
Paul, I don't know."

1093
00:55:52,474 --> 00:55:54,559
So I'm ready to leave,
I'm packing up, right?

1094
00:55:54,642 --> 00:55:57,771
And I'm getting ready to leave,
and he just goes, "Hey Paul, listen."

1095
00:55:57,854 --> 00:56:00,440
"Don't be uncomfortable.
You're not getting any younger."

1096
00:56:00,523 --> 00:56:04,235
"When you're done pissing from now on,
I want you to give it a good shake."

1097
00:56:04,319 --> 00:56:07,364
"An extra ten, 15 seconds
to clear your urethra."

1098
00:56:08,114 --> 00:56:09,574
Fifteen seconds?

1099
00:56:10,784 --> 00:56:12,660
I'm not jerking off at the urinal.

1100
00:56:13,578 --> 00:56:16,331
"No, I'm not jerking off,
doctor said I gotta do this!"

1101
00:56:18,124 --> 00:56:20,085
"I got seven Mississippis left."

1102
00:56:20,168 --> 00:56:23,380
[audience laughing and clapping]

1103
00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:25,173
[chuckling]

1104
00:56:25,924 --> 00:56:29,219
"Now I'm gonna finish 'cause
it feels incredible." 15 seconds?

1105
00:56:31,513 --> 00:56:33,431
Ten-year-old boy next to me at the urinal,

1106
00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:37,227
"Tell your mom it's not
what it looks like, I swear to God."

1107
00:56:37,310 --> 00:56:39,312
"It's in the urethra. That's what he--"

1108
00:56:45,568 --> 00:56:48,029
But I'll tell you this,
nothing I ever do in my life,

1109
00:56:48,113 --> 00:56:51,449
and I know it's corny and cliché,
but it's true, nothing I ever do in life

1110
00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:53,993
will be better than being
Lucas and Sofia's dad.

1111
00:56:54,077 --> 00:56:56,955
Being a dad is the greatest thing
to ever touch my life.

1112
00:56:57,038 --> 00:56:59,332
[audience clapping]

1113
00:56:59,416 --> 00:57:02,627
And it's so funny because my son

1114
00:57:02,710 --> 00:57:05,004
is blonde hair, blue eyes
and looks like my wife.

1115
00:57:05,088 --> 00:57:07,674
My wife is Scandinavian.
Swedish-Finnish and all that.

1116
00:57:07,757 --> 00:57:09,843
And my daughter's got the Sicilian-Greek,

1117
00:57:09,926 --> 00:57:12,595
but she also has like the vengeful…

1118
00:57:13,555 --> 00:57:14,597
My daughter is like--

1119
00:57:14,681 --> 00:57:17,350
I thought it was gonna be
a cute thing when she was young.

1120
00:57:17,434 --> 00:57:21,938
Like, she's got some
deep-rooted Sicilian Mafia Don shit.

1121
00:57:22,021 --> 00:57:23,606
[laughter]

1122
00:57:23,690 --> 00:57:26,526
She said to me, she goes,
"Daddy, I want a hamster."

1123
00:57:26,609 --> 00:57:29,112
"My friends are getting hamsters,
and I want a hamster."

1124
00:57:29,195 --> 00:57:30,280
So I get her a hamster.

1125
00:57:30,363 --> 00:57:32,991
"I don't give a fuck.
Get four. Think I give a fuck?"

1126
00:57:33,074 --> 00:57:36,661
I'll buy the whole-- "Yes. Get a hamster.
Whatever you want. Get a dog."

1127
00:57:37,203 --> 00:57:38,246
We're all gonna die.

1128
00:57:39,789 --> 00:57:43,751
If we're all gonna die, get whatever--
If they had a baby hippo, I'd say get it.

1129
00:57:43,835 --> 00:57:45,253
I don't give a fuck!

1130
00:57:49,340 --> 00:57:52,093
So she gets the…
she gets the hamster, right?

1131
00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:55,513
And she calls me into her room
upset two days later.

1132
00:57:55,597 --> 00:57:57,307
She goes, "Daddy, close the door."

1133
00:57:59,225 --> 00:58:02,687
She goes, "You see that hamster?
I loved him, Daddy, and look what he did."

1134
00:58:02,770 --> 00:58:05,315
"He bit me until I bled,
and now I need to decide."

1135
00:58:05,398 --> 00:58:07,859
"I told Mommy
if we're gonna bring him back." Right?

1136
00:58:09,527 --> 00:58:10,487
Oh, buckle up.

1137
00:58:10,570 --> 00:58:12,864
[laughter]

1138
00:58:12,947 --> 00:58:14,866
Two days later, this thing escapes.

1139
00:58:14,949 --> 00:58:16,618
This thing escapes, okay?

1140
00:58:16,701 --> 00:58:18,161
And it's gone for seven days.

1141
00:58:18,244 --> 00:58:20,497
And we think it's over.
We just think it's over.

1142
00:58:21,289 --> 00:58:23,458
And I'm laying in bed, and I just hear…

1143
00:58:23,541 --> 00:58:26,085
[scraping]

1144
00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:28,922
And my wife hears it
and I start to ignore it,

1145
00:58:29,005 --> 00:58:31,633
but my wife is like…
[cawing] "You hear that?"

1146
00:58:31,716 --> 00:58:33,718
[cawing]

1147
00:58:35,386 --> 00:58:37,055
[cawing]

1148
00:58:41,684 --> 00:58:44,521
I'm like, "All right,
I'll look for the fucking-- I'll look."

1149
00:58:46,022 --> 00:58:49,651
So I'm trying to get this hamster,
and I grab its tail and it gets away.

1150
00:58:49,734 --> 00:58:52,737
Next day, my daughter calls me,
she goes, "Daddy, close the door."

1151
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:57,242
She goes, "I know that that hamster--
Mommy told me that that hamster is alive,

1152
00:58:57,325 --> 00:58:59,035
you almost had him yesterday."

1153
00:58:59,118 --> 00:59:01,663
"I just wanna tell you,
if you find him, I want you to kill him."

1154
00:59:01,746 --> 00:59:03,706
[laughter]

1155
00:59:03,790 --> 00:59:07,001
And meant it, like meant it, like,
"I want to see him dead."

1156
00:59:07,085 --> 00:59:08,711
"I want him dead."

1157
00:59:09,712 --> 00:59:11,923
My daughter walked up to me
one time in the kitchen,

1158
00:59:12,006 --> 00:59:15,134
"Daddy, can I have a scoop of ice cream?
Mommy said no."

1159
00:59:15,969 --> 00:59:17,011
"What do you say?"

1160
00:59:17,095 --> 00:59:19,389
[laughter]

1161
00:59:19,472 --> 00:59:21,015
Like a G!

1162
00:59:23,059 --> 00:59:25,144
And I wanna be the cool one, you know?

1163
00:59:25,228 --> 00:59:27,605
I'm not the discipline one.
I'm telling dick jokes in a mall.

1164
00:59:29,857 --> 00:59:31,401
So I was like, "Oh yeah."

1165
00:59:32,652 --> 00:59:34,070
"Mommy said no, huh?"

1166
00:59:34,946 --> 00:59:36,906
"Mommy's not here right now, is she?"

1167
00:59:37,782 --> 00:59:40,827
I said, "Daddy's here,
and Daddy says yes."

1168
00:59:40,910 --> 00:59:44,038
"Matter of fact, here's two scoops.
Boom, boom."

1169
00:59:44,122 --> 00:59:46,958
And then I backed up
like I did some crazy magic trick, right?

1170
00:59:47,041 --> 00:59:49,752
And my daughter goes,
"Yay, Daddy's the best!"

1171
00:59:49,836 --> 00:59:51,212
"Dada's my favorite!"

1172
00:59:51,296 --> 00:59:54,465
I go, "Sophia, that's not true.
You know Mommy's your favorite."

1173
00:59:54,549 --> 00:59:55,800
She goes, "I know."

1174
00:59:55,883 --> 00:59:58,219
[laughter]

1175
00:59:59,262 --> 01:00:00,763
"Give me the ice cream back."

1176
01:00:02,849 --> 01:00:05,727
I recently took my kids to a special
movie theater by where I live.

1177
01:00:05,810 --> 01:00:07,228
Movie theater is special.

1178
01:00:07,312 --> 01:00:09,564
Movie theater has a café, it has a bar,

1179
01:00:09,647 --> 01:00:13,610
but what makes this theater special
is everybody they hire has a disability.

1180
01:00:13,693 --> 01:00:17,155
Every employee of this movie theater's
got Down Syndrome,

1181
01:00:17,238 --> 01:00:21,200
head injuries, diseases, wheelchairs.

1182
01:00:21,284 --> 01:00:22,994
You name it, they got it.

1183
01:00:23,077 --> 01:00:25,705
And guys, I gotta be honest,
the service was incredible.

1184
01:00:25,788 --> 01:00:27,665
It was better, it was faster.

1185
01:00:27,749 --> 01:00:31,044
They were old-school, ripping the ticket,
"Enjoy your show, sir."

1186
01:00:31,127 --> 01:00:33,254
I was amazed
how much better and faster it was.

1187
01:00:33,338 --> 01:00:35,131
How many times at a regular theater

1188
01:00:35,214 --> 01:00:38,384
looking at the people behind the counter
do you think, "This guy fucking retarded?"

1189
01:00:38,468 --> 01:00:40,845
[laughter]

1190
01:00:46,184 --> 01:00:49,103
[laughter continues]

1191
01:00:56,861 --> 01:01:02,075
But my favorite story with my kids so far,
or something really different, was…

1192
01:01:02,950 --> 01:01:05,703
[chuckles]
These guys are on edibles right now.

1193
01:01:05,787 --> 01:01:07,789
[laughter]

1194
01:01:07,872 --> 01:01:08,748
That's a…

1195
01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:12,251
That's a…
Listen, this ain't my first rodeo.

1196
01:01:12,335 --> 01:01:14,045
That's a edible laugh there.

1197
01:01:14,962 --> 01:01:17,590
"Yo, take the gummy bear
45 minutes before the show starts

1198
01:01:17,674 --> 01:01:19,717
so shit's gonna be funny as shit."

1199
01:01:22,553 --> 01:01:25,682
My favorite thing is like,
my son is coming into his own right now.

1200
01:01:25,765 --> 01:01:27,600
This is all true what I'm about to say.

1201
01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:30,144
My son is coming into his own,
getting a little older.

1202
01:01:30,228 --> 01:01:32,939
Like all siblings, when they get tired,
they go at each other,

1203
01:01:33,022 --> 01:01:34,691
but my son more to my daughter.

1204
01:01:34,774 --> 01:01:37,318
My son goes hard at my daughter,
and I don't go for that shit.

1205
01:01:37,402 --> 01:01:40,029
Like, "You gotta be nicer to her.
You are a god to her."

1206
01:01:40,113 --> 01:01:42,782
"You're three years older, she loves you,
you're always going at her."

1207
01:01:42,865 --> 01:01:45,159
He goes, "I know,
but sometimes she can be so annoying."

1208
01:01:45,243 --> 01:01:49,122
And I was like, "So can her mother."
No, I didn't say that.

1209
01:01:49,205 --> 01:01:51,165
[chuckling] Chip off the old block.

1210
01:01:51,249 --> 01:01:53,126
[laughter]

1211
01:01:53,209 --> 01:01:54,961
"Tell me about it. Shit." No.

1212
01:01:56,212 --> 01:01:59,173
My son's really good at basketball,
has a really nice jump shot,

1213
01:01:59,257 --> 01:02:01,843
plays one-on-one with me,
but it leaves my daughter out.

1214
01:02:01,926 --> 01:02:02,802
She has nothing to do.

1215
01:02:02,885 --> 01:02:06,347
So one day, I hand her a little ball,
say, "You play with this ball here."

1216
01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:08,599
"When we're done playing,
I'll play with you."

1217
01:02:08,683 --> 01:02:12,603
We start playing, she drops the ball,
it rolls into our game, disrupt us.

1218
01:02:12,687 --> 01:02:13,563
We have to stop.

1219
01:02:13,646 --> 01:02:17,692
My son's already in a bad mood,
and he loses his shit.

1220
01:02:17,775 --> 01:02:20,403
He picks the ball up and he's going,
"No, no, no."

1221
01:02:21,821 --> 01:02:23,698
"No, no, no."

1222
01:02:23,781 --> 01:02:25,783
I go, "Whoa, buddy. What are you--"

1223
01:02:25,867 --> 01:02:27,994
"You gonna throw the ball at your sister?"

1224
01:02:28,077 --> 01:02:29,912
He goes, "I'm tired of this, Dad."

1225
01:02:29,996 --> 01:02:32,457
I go, "Buddy, you're 12.
You're not tired of shit."

1226
01:02:32,540 --> 01:02:34,333
"I'm tired! I'm tired!"

1227
01:02:34,417 --> 01:02:37,920
"Me and your mother might get divorced
from what happened at breakfast. Okay?"

1228
01:02:38,671 --> 01:02:41,007
"A guy named Phil
may be living here in six months."

1229
01:02:41,090 --> 01:02:42,383
"Give her the ball back."

1230
01:02:44,927 --> 01:02:47,513
And my daughter's going,
"Lucas, can I have the ball?"

1231
01:02:47,597 --> 01:02:49,682
I go, "Do the right thing
and hand it to her."

1232
01:02:49,766 --> 01:02:50,850
Hand it, right?

1233
01:02:50,933 --> 01:02:54,645
And in anger and disgust,
he bounced it at her, hard,

1234
01:02:54,729 --> 01:02:56,564
hits her nose and lips, splits her lip,

1235
01:02:56,647 --> 01:03:00,902
she's bleeding, screaming, crying,
and it is an absolute shit-show.

1236
01:03:01,778 --> 01:03:05,865
So now I need to console my little girl
and scold my boy at the same time.

1237
01:03:05,948 --> 01:03:07,617
I go, "Sweetie, we'll clean it up."

1238
01:03:07,700 --> 01:03:11,037
"What are you nuts? She's bleeding
and crying 'cause of your attitude!"

1239
01:03:11,120 --> 01:03:12,163
"Hope you feel good!"

1240
01:03:12,246 --> 01:03:13,539
"So sorry. Give me one sec."

1241
01:03:13,623 --> 01:03:16,250
"You wanna play one-on-one?
We're gonna play, me and you."

1242
01:03:16,334 --> 01:03:19,337
"You wanna play like that with your sis?
My ball first, my house."

1243
01:03:19,420 --> 01:03:21,047
So I back him to the hole hard.

1244
01:03:23,132 --> 01:03:24,467
I back him to the hole hard.

1245
01:03:24,550 --> 01:03:27,845
"Layup, one-nothing, let's go.
Make it or take it. My house. Respect."

1246
01:03:28,888 --> 01:03:30,181
I get it again, boom.

1247
01:03:30,264 --> 01:03:34,060
Ten footer, nothing but net. Swish.
"You get your shot from me. Let's go."

1248
01:03:34,143 --> 01:03:35,645
Now he starts getting amped up.

1249
01:03:35,728 --> 01:03:37,021
On the third possession,

1250
01:03:37,104 --> 01:03:39,148
my son legitimately
steals the ball from me.

1251
01:03:39,232 --> 01:03:42,401
I tried to get it behind my back,
he steals it, runs toward the hoop,

1252
01:03:42,485 --> 01:03:45,822
and he's all blushing,
pulls up an eight-footer, nothing but net.

1253
01:03:45,905 --> 01:03:48,574
He steps up to me, he chested-up,
he looked at me, he goes,

1254
01:03:48,658 --> 01:03:50,034
"Let's fucking go!"

1255
01:03:50,117 --> 01:03:52,328
[laughter]

1256
01:03:52,411 --> 01:03:55,540
[audience clapping]

1257
01:04:01,295 --> 01:04:02,129
"What?"

1258
01:04:02,213 --> 01:04:03,464
[laughter]

1259
01:04:03,548 --> 01:04:06,008
"What did you just say to me?"
He goes, "Let's go?"

1260
01:04:06,092 --> 01:04:09,637
I go, "Go sit on the wall for five minutes
and think about what you--"

1261
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:11,848
"I'm your father.
Never speak to me that way."

1262
01:04:11,931 --> 01:04:13,808
"You outta your mind?" I turn and think,

1263
01:04:13,891 --> 01:04:17,478
"That was the greatest shit
I have ever seen in my fucking life!"

1264
01:04:17,562 --> 01:04:18,771
"My son is the man!"

1265
01:04:18,855 --> 01:04:20,898
Guys, thank you so much
for coming out here.

1266
01:04:20,982 --> 01:04:24,277
I appreciate you, man.
Means a lot. Thank you so much.

1267
01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:26,112
Thank you, guys. Thank you.

1268
01:04:26,195 --> 01:04:27,780
Thank you for being here, man.

1269
01:04:27,864 --> 01:04:28,781
It means a lot.

1270
01:04:29,782 --> 01:04:30,658
Thank you.

1271
01:04:30,741 --> 01:04:32,910
[audience cheering and clapping]

1272
01:04:32,994 --> 01:04:35,413
[closing theme music playing]