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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>♪ Old lady on my case again ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Told me straighten up</i>
<i>Tuck your shirt in ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Sometimes it feels like</i>
<i>I can't win ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Get the fuck up out the crib</i>
<i>For a spin ♪</i>

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<i>♪ And I ain't had a drink</i>
<i>since Friday night ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Three days since</i>
<i>I even had a smoke ♪</i>

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<i>♪ But I'm drawn like a moth</i>
<i>To the neon light ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Need a dart and some songs</i>
<i>From the medicine pool ♪</i>

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<i>♪ I been drinking beer for a minute ♪</i>

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<i>♪ And your little Juul</i>
<i>Ain't hittin' ♪</i>

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<i>♪ If I want a bump</i>
<i>Better get it ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Tequila and cigarettes ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Musta drank a rack</i>
<i>Don't feel it ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Fuckin' in... ♪</i>

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[announcer] <i>Now everybody</i>
<i>put your hands together...</i>

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<i>for Pete Davidson!</i>

19
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[cheers and applause]

20
00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:28,755
Hey.

21
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Hello. Wow.

22
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Thanks.

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Thank you.

24
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Alright.

25
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So how's your year going?

26
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Good?

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I've had a really weird year.

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I had an AIDS scare this year.

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Yeah, I did, and you're like, "Pete,
wow, what's going on in your life?

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Are you sharing needles?
You doing heroin?

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Are you having tons
of unprotected sex?"

32
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No, Kanye told me I had AIDS.

33
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And uh...
And he's a...

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He's a genius, so I was like,
"Oh, fuck."

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I was like,
"I better call my doctor."

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The guy who made <i>College Dropout</i>
thinks I have AIDS.

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So I went to the doctor,
I actually got checked.

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Because I was like,
"Maybe he's right, I don't know."

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I was like, "I don't know."

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So my doctor told me,
I don't have AIDS,

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I just look like I have it, so...

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it's a completely different thing.

43
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You know what's really funny
about that?

44
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AIDS is just such an old school
thing, like, "You have AIDS."

45
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It's just such a '90s,
early-2000s thing to...

46
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You know what I mean?

47
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John Mulaney called me,
he's like, "AIDS?

48
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You should spread a rumor
that he has polio!"

49
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Does anybody else secretly hope
that Kanye pulls, like a...

50
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<i>Mrs. Doubtfire?</i>

51
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They come home one day,

52
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and they're like,
"This is the new housekeeper,"

53
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and he's like,
"What's up, fam?"

54
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Yeah, it's a really weird thing
to go through.

55
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There's-- because you know,
people try to give you advice,

56
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but even friends that are older,
they're like, "I don't... know."

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He's like, "It looks pretty bad, bro,
I hope...

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Good luck, sorry, here if you need,"
but like, no advice.

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No one was like,
"This is what you do."

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Everyone was like,
"I don't know... yeah.

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00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:55,568
You staying with your mom?
You in a safe spot?"

62
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People ask me weird questions.

63
00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:04,619
So that's the only thing I don't
like. They ask this weird stuff.

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00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:06,996
Like the other day, somebody
came up to me and was like,

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"I heard you're friends
with Jack Harlow!"

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And I am. He's a very great,
talented rapper. He's a cool dude.

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Nice guy. So we're pals, right?

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And Kanye put him on his new album.

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Even though I've been friends
with him for like two, three years,

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you know, he did it anyway.
People come up to me and they're like,

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"How does that make you feel?
Does that bother you?

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Does that get under your skin?"

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And I'm like, "No, he's a rapper."

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That's his field,
that's what they do.

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That doesn't hurt my feelings.

76
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It would hurt my feelings if I saw,
like, Bill Burr at Sunday service.

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I'd be like, "What the fuck, Bill?"
He'd be like,

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"Find God, Petey, go fuck yourself!

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Jesus!"

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Yeah, I don't get it.
A lot of people are very angry.

81
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It's always 50-50 when I go outside.

82
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,890
Yeah, it is. It's always 50-50.

83
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,643
Either someone's just like, "Hey, man,
you're really cool, that's great."

84
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Or someone's like,
"Hey, yo! Fuck you!

85
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Fuck you!

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Yeah, you!"

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I always am like, "Can't be me."

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It's weird, it's all weird because...

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right before, December 2021,
I call it "the before time".

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Before my life was ruined,
it was like...

91
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Yeah, it's like COVID happened

92
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:40,131
and then another COVID happened
personally to me.

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That was a really good month,
December 2021.

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I remember, I went to a Knicks game
with my good pals,

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00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:50,183
Jon Stewart and Chris Rock, right?

96
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,810
So we went to this Knicks game...
Yeah, they're the best.

97
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And very hilarious
that they hang out with me.

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It's really weird. But I'm stoked,
because they're heroes.

99
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:04,781
So we're watching the game,
and it's the game when Steph Curry

100
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:08,910
breaks the three-point record, right?

101
00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,995
And I remember he broke
the three-point record

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in the first quarter, and just
somehow, how we were placed,

103
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because he shot it from over there
and me, Jon, and Chris

104
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were under the basket. So like,

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in the picture
that everybody put out,

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that's like here's him
breaking the record,

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us three are just, like...

108
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Like, we all look...

109
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We completely photobombed his,
whatever, basketball card

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that's going to be, like, forever.

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And it was such a good night,
but it's so weird because since then,

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horrible things have happened
to me and Chris.

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So Jon Stewart,
if you're watching...

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watch your fucking back.

115
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Lucky bastard.

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It's like Chris gets slapped,
I get decapitated,

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then Jon Stewart wins
the Mark Twain award.

118
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So...

119
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I haven't been on stage much,

120
00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:13,850
but I've been trying to make a joke
about Epstein's plane funny.

121
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That's usually how it goes.

122
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In any room that I ever pitch
this joke on.

123
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,486
But I just, like...
hear me out.

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The guy, obviously, bad dude.
You got to get that out of the way.

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Bad dude, shouldn't do that stuff.

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But I didn't understand why people
were mad at all the dudes

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that took a free plane ride.

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Like, the Jeffery Epstein doc came out

129
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and this dude raped

130
00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:47,049
and did a bunch of terrible stuff
to little young girls,

131
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and then people would be like,

132
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"Can you believe Chris Tucker
rode on that plane?"

133
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It's like, "Yeah, have you ever tried
to fly commercial?

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From fucking L.A. to New York?
It's a fucking nightmare."

135
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:03,941
Because I've been in situations now...
Let me rephrase that.

136
00:08:05,359 --> 00:08:09,447
I know a dude who gives me
free plane rides, right?

137
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I don't really know what he does,

138
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he tells me he's
in the "waste management" business.

139
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That's what he says, "I'm in waste
management. I'm a garbageman."

140
00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:20,541
I go, "Yeah, tons of garbagemen
have private jets, so..."

141
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:25,546
But I just don't ask.
I'm just like, "Okay, whatever."

142
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Because I don't think
there's anything wrong

143
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:30,927
with taking the plane with a guy.

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You don't have to support
what the guy does.

145
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,809
So I fly with one pedophile, right?

146
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If you fly commercial, there's
at least, like, five pedophiles.

147
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And you don't know who they are.

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I know who mine is,
it's right in front of me

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00:08:54,742 --> 00:08:57,161
with a mimosa
and some strawberry chocolates.

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Thank you guys for being out here.
You guys ready to start?

151
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,793
[cheers and applause]

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00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:07,755
Coming to the stage,
give it up for my friend, Big Wet!

153
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:12,260
<i>♪ I don't know if I should</i>
<i>Go out tonight ♪</i>

154
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:15,846
<i>♪ 'Cause it's getting pretty late ♪</i>

155
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:19,183
<i>♪ But I just got back into town ♪</i>

156
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:22,019
<i>♪ And I sure can't wait ♪</i>

157
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:26,774
<i>♪ So I take my ass down to Sophie's ♪</i>

158
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,610
<i>♪ A shot and a beer there</i>
<i>Waiting for me ♪</i>

159
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:33,990
<i>♪ Big Red and the boys</i>
<i>Got a table in the back ♪</i>

160
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,242
<i>♪ And there's an open chair for me ♪</i>

161
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:40,997
<i>♪ And I'm rollin' with my squad ♪</i>

162
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,041
<i>♪ And we don't try too hard ♪</i>

163
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:47,753
<i>♪ One tab when we're at the bar ♪</i>

164
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:50,214
<i>♪ Rollin' with my squad ♪</i>

165
00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:54,552
<i>♪ And I'm rollin' with my squad ♪</i>

166
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:57,471
<i>♪ Don't forget who you are ♪</i>

167
00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,850
<i>♪ Yeah, I made it this far ♪</i>

168
00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:04,562
<i>♪ Rollin' with my squad ♪</i>

169
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,190
<i>♪ It ain't the size of the dog</i>
<i>In the fight ♪</i>

170
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:11,485
<i>♪ But the fight in the dog</i>
<i>We don't bark, we just bite ♪</i>

171
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:15,323
<i>♪ Once you let us off the leash</i>
<i>We be chomping our teeth ♪</i>

172
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:18,993
<i>♪ We be gettin' that green</i>
<i>We be smoking them trees ♪</i>

173
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:22,371
<i>♪ And we shotgun beers and</i>
<i>We conquer our fears ♪</i>

174
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:26,042
<i>♪ 'Cause we're all best friends</i>
<i>And we hold each other dear ♪</i>

175
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:32,006
<i>♪ And I'd give my last meal</i>
<i>To anyone from my squad ♪</i>

176
00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:34,216
<i>-♪ Squad up! ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Squad up! ♪</i>

177
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,843
When they're trying to act
like they're not filming,

178
00:10:35,926 --> 00:10:38,137
they look away,
but point directly at...

179
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,847
Right? That's wack.

180
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:42,558
I like when they go,
"Yo, I don't care who you are..."

181
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,019
And I'm like, "Then why the fuck...?"

182
00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:48,189
They'll be like, "Yo, my friends
think you're fucking wack as fuck,

183
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:49,982
but I don't listen to them.

184
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:53,778
I ride-- I tell them they don't know
what they're doing..."

185
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:56,906
Nobody can ever just be like,
"Hey, man, good job."

186
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,158
-[Giulio] Right.
-You know?

187
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:02,036
<i>♪ Rollin' with my squad ♪</i>

188
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,414
-Big Wet, ladies and gentlemen!
<i>-♪ Squad up! ♪</i>

189
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,043
<i>♪ Rollin' with my squad ♪</i>

190
00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:12,004
-You guys ready to kick it off?
<i>-♪ Squad up! ♪</i>

191
00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:13,673
<i>♪ Squad! ♪</i>

192
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:17,134
Make some noise for your first comic,

193
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,345
Neko White!

194
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:26,352
L.A., one more time
for Pete Davidson,

195
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:28,771
give him a round of applause, huh?

196
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:30,815
Yes!

197
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,818
Pleasure to be
in front of y'all tonight.

198
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:36,570
My name is Neko White.
I made a very simple goal.

199
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:41,325
And that is to mind my business
at the highest level possible.

200
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:44,120
Now, I take this very seriously.
You guys in here tonight,

201
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,539
I appreciate that,
while you're in here.

202
00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:48,165
Once we get outside,

203
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,167
whatever happens to you...

204
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,878
is not my business,
you understand me?

205
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,673
If we in here, we cool.
You outside, you get robbed,

206
00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:57,925
you see me, don't make eye contact.

207
00:11:58,008 --> 00:11:59,802
Because I'm telling you now,
if you look at me,

208
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,680
"Neko, help!" Hey, man,
it was a good show, I'ma holler at you.

209
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,266
I mind my business.

210
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,184
Now recently,
I went to get a haircut.

211
00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,936
As soon as I walked
into the barber shop,

212
00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:10,646
my barber goes, "Hey, man.

213
00:12:10,729 --> 00:12:13,107
You see this shit
with Dwyane Wade's son?"

214
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:14,692
"No.

215
00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:19,321
That's not my business.
I got bills, bro.

216
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,198
I got a whole real life."

217
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:24,827
Do you understand that where I live,
I have a crackhead doorman?

218
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:29,999
And where I live,
we don't hire doormen.

219
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,420
This lady just showed up one day.

220
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:39,341
She held the door for one person,
and she's been back every day since.

221
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,051
And what pisses me off

222
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,345
is that she has a custom greeting
just for me.

223
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,097
When I walk in the building,
she goes,

224
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602
"Mr. Neko White. Ow, ow, ow."
What the fuck does that mean?

225
00:12:51,228 --> 00:12:53,731
"Ow, ow, ow"? I don't speak
crack Morse code,

226
00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,483
what are you saying to me?

227
00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:59,069
So no, I don't know what's going on
with Dwyane Wade

228
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,946
or his rich-ass kid.

229
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:04,116
I said that, my barber go,
"Nah.

230
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,243
See, Dwyane Wade had a son

231
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,370
that was born a boy,

232
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,955
but now, at 11 years old,

233
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,542
his son say,
'I'm a woman on the inside.'

234
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:17,755
So now when he get older,
he goin' to chop his dick off.

235
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,966
And he gonna become a woman.

236
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:23,594
Now ain't that shit weird?"

237
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,516
"I'm here for a fade, man.

238
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,270
Little off the side,

239
00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:35,523
square in the back.

240
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:37,483
What are you doing right now?

241
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:40,277
Do you realize that it's only
10:02 in the morning?

242
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:41,403
Do you know that?

243
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:44,823
Do you know I smoked the Sativa
before I came here?

244
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:46,242
Do you know that?

245
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:49,119
Do you know how paranoid
I am right now?

246
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:52,665
And you're going to ask me
that cancelable-ass question?

247
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:56,544
In front of all these mirrors
in this barber shop?

248
00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,923
Do you know how many 'mes' I see
in either direction right now?

249
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,759
I'm here for a fade, man.

250
00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:07,263
Little off the side,
square in the back."

251
00:14:07,846 --> 00:14:12,476
My barber didn't flinch.
"Ain't that shit weird?"

252
00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,563
"Yeah.

253
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:16,647
Yeah, it's weird...

254
00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:19,358
that you know what an 11-year-old
that you're not related to

255
00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:21,735
want to do with their dick.
That's very weird.

256
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:24,822
I'm just saying.
I have a nephew that's 11.

257
00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:27,449
Know what I know about him?
He 11, and that's where it stops.

258
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,951
I don't know nothing extra.

259
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:32,079
I don't know his name,
I don't know his birthday,

260
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,791
and I don't know his dick
aspirations. But he 11."

261
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:41,422
When I said that, my barber goes,
"Alright, Mr. Holier-Than-Thou.

262
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,842
What if it was your son?"

263
00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:49,054
"What if it was my son?

264
00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:51,599
I'd still need a fade.

265
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:58,564
But you want to play
hypotheticals with me?

266
00:14:58,647 --> 00:15:01,942
I do that all day, brother!
Let's do that!"

267
00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:03,944
What if it was my son?

268
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,279
I could see that.

269
00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:08,324
I could see me walking to my son's room,
knocking on his door.

270
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:13,495
"Hey, baby boy, look here.
Your papa's tired.

271
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,623
Would you mind taking the garbage
out for me, Big Dog?

272
00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:16,832
I'd really appreciate that."

273
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,586
"Dad?"
"Yeah, what's going on?"

274
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:22,713
[whimpering softly]

275
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,966
You know when a kid really think
they telling you something?

276
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:27,301
[whimpering softly]

277
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,639
"Dad, um...

278
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,725
I'm a woman on the inside."

279
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,730
"I just asked you
to take out the garbage.

280
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,901
Did you know it was only 10:02
in the morning right now?

281
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:44,902
Did you know that?

282
00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:48,697
You know I smoked the Sativa
before I came in here.

283
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,535
You ever notice how many
mirrors you got in your room?

284
00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:58,457
I'll be right back, kid."

285
00:15:58,540 --> 00:15:59,875
[imitates door closing]

286
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,002
[exhales] Okay.

287
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,299
"Hey, baby girl, would you mind
taking that garbage out

288
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,009
for your papa?"

289
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:13,389
L.A., you've been excellent.

290
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,392
My name's Neko White.
Thank you!

291
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:19,019
[cheers and applause]

292
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,981
Now then, you ready for more show?

293
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:24,525
I don't think you can hear me.

294
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:27,027
Are you ready for more show?

295
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,781
Coming to the stage is a very dear
friend of mine

296
00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:32,866
from New York City.
Y'all, put your hands together

297
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:36,328
for Giulio Gallarotti!

298
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:39,540
[cheers and applause]

299
00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:42,584
One more time for Neko, guys!
Let him hear it.

300
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,545
[cheers and applause]

301
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,673
-Yeah.
-Sound about right?

302
00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:49,967
Yeah, that sounds good. Good.

303
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:51,260
Feeling good.

304
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:53,637
You know, comedians travel a lot.

305
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,140
So we see a lot of crazy stuff.

306
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:59,226
I saw something on a plane
the other day

307
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:01,937
that I couldn't believe was
on a plane.

308
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,773
Just a guy... with a falcon.

309
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:09,319
And it wasn't in a cage,
just on his arm.

310
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:12,823
And I was like,
"How is that allowed on a plane?

311
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:16,076
You can just bring a falcon
on a plane?

312
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,871
I can't bring four ounces of water
on a plane.

313
00:17:20,956 --> 00:17:23,751
But I can bring a falcon?
Birds of prey? No problem."

314
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:26,045
That's crazy.

315
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,671
I started thinking about it,
and I'm like,

316
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:32,468
the idea of a falcon
having to fly in a plane.

317
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:38,891
The flight was only an hour!

318
00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:42,019
The falcon can easily fly there
on its own.

319
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,856
I was convinced that right
before we actually got on the plane,

320
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:48,275
the guy was just going to be like,
"Alright dude, see you there."

321
00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:53,238
How is this allowed?

322
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,908
When I saw the falcon,
I was making a video.

323
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:58,118
I made sure I got the falcon in there
with a cameo.

324
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,370
I was editing that video
for two or three months,

325
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,581
and I was just looking at myself
every day,

326
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:05,084
and I just started hating
the way that I look.

327
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:09,171
Specifically, I was a little
heavier too, in the video.

328
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:12,091
My body...
I was just not that down. [gags]

329
00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:15,844
I don't gain weight
in a masculine way.

330
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,598
When I gain weight,
it immediately just starts to be like...

331
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:23,894
I start to get all curvy!

332
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:27,147
I feel like as a guy, you don't want
your descriptive word

333
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,774
to be "voluptuous."

334
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,611
Oh yeah, G's thick, dude.

335
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,240
It's crazy.
It's amazing, like,

336
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:39,243
if you can see yourself on a video,
that's a great way to know that

337
00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:40,369
you've gained weight.

338
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,912
But otherwise, how do you find out?

339
00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:44,957
Typically,
your rudest friend will tell you.

340
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:47,543
Which is a crazy thing
to be doing.

341
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:49,378
I'll never forget
the last time this happened to me,

342
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:50,504
I went to visit one of my friends,

343
00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:53,757
and the person who told me I'd gained
weight was the guy who mows his lawn.

344
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:58,220
He's a very nice guy,
but doesn't speak English at all.

345
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,223
But still, he was able
to convey to me

346
00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:04,184
that he thought I'd gained weight.

347
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:05,769
Which I'll never forget.

348
00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:07,312
Because I show up,
I'm like, "Hey, what's up?"

349
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:09,148
He goes, "Papi..."

350
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:14,695
And I was in denial,

351
00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:17,489
I was like, "Maybe he just thinks
I look strong or something."

352
00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:21,410
I don't know how one could ever think
that this means strong.

353
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:23,912
So I just said,
"Oh, thank you, papi."

354
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:27,875
And he made sure to clarify.
He goes, "No, papi..."

355
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:31,545
And to make sure there was
no mistake in my brain,

356
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:35,090
he just starts going...
[lips smacking]

357
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,718
I'm like, "Dude, you're a dick."

358
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:39,511
Isn't that sad?

359
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:42,055
I don't know. I can't imagine
ever saying some shit like that

360
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:43,348
to somebody's face.

361
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,767
I would at least wait for them
to leave the room.

362
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,438
Then I'd be like,
"Man, he looks terrible."

363
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,649
I say "bro" a lot when I talk,

364
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,735
and then sometimes
I get self-conscious

365
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:56,528
that I'm going to get grouped in
with a group of people

366
00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,488
that I feel
like I shouldn't be associated with.

367
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:02,201
You know,
rambunctious, young white men.

368
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:06,914
I'm like-- to the point
to where I see a group of bros,

369
00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:08,332
I actually get disgusted.

370
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,709
I'm like, "Look at these...
fucking bros."

371
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,670
It can ruin my mood.
I went to dinner,

372
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:16,506
it was a sushi restaurant that I was
really looking forward to going to eat at.

373
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,801
It was fancy. I sit down.
They seat me next to these bros.

374
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,512
And I'm looking over there like,
"Look at these fucking bros."

375
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,390
They're not even going
to appreciate this meal.

376
00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:27,643
They're going to be ordering shit
that isn't even on the menu.

377
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,353
"Can we get some sake bombs?"

378
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,897
Their dads are probably paying.

379
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,690
Dude, fuck this.

380
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,068
So I was like, "You know what?
I'm going to monitor them.

381
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:39,279
To make sure
they're being well-behaved."

382
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,407
I don't know what power I have. Just...

383
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:44,493
to prove myself right.

384
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,620
And as it turns out,

385
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:47,788
these bros,

386
00:20:47,871 --> 00:20:49,414
were wonderful gentlemen.

387
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:52,376
They were great guys.

388
00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:54,544
I swear,
they were mild-mannered and polite,

389
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,797
compassionate with the waitstaff.

390
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,466
They were engaging
in thought-provoking conversation.

391
00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:03,262
While maintaining their
inside voices the entire time.

392
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:06,056
I was like,
"These bros were raised right.

393
00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,309
These bros are pros."

394
00:21:11,728 --> 00:21:13,522
Seriously, it was as if these bros

395
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,482
had achieved the
next level of "bro-dom".

396
00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:17,526
Which I didn't even know
was possible.

397
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:19,945
You guys probably think that
perhaps they weren't bros at all.

398
00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:23,407
But they were, because they were
still doing all the shit that bros do,

399
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:26,702
but just in a much more classy
and sophisticated manner.

400
00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:28,996
I'll give you the best example.

401
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:30,789
A plate of sushi comes over.

402
00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:33,625
One of the bros scoops up a piece,
perfect chopstick work.

403
00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:36,920
And then he takes a bite,

404
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:39,089
and he just started really
earnestly enjoying it.

405
00:21:39,172 --> 00:21:42,259
And then he said the most bro thing
you could ever say,

406
00:21:42,342 --> 00:21:44,761
but in a much more classy
and refined way.

407
00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:46,388
So I'll never forget, he's like,

408
00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:50,100
"Fire."

409
00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:54,980
"Fire."

410
00:21:55,063 --> 00:21:58,150
I said, "Send some sake bombs
over there on me, dude.

411
00:21:58,233 --> 00:21:59,401
This bro's awesome."

412
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:01,903
Guys, thank you very much,
I really appreciate it.

413
00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:04,239
Aw, it was super fun.

414
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,741
You guys ready for the next comedian?

415
00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:08,076
If you make some noise, I'll bring
her out, make some noise!

416
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,661
[cheers and applause]

417
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:12,039
Guys, the next comedian coming
to the stage, she's amazing.

418
00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:13,582
One of my best friends.
I love her.

419
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:16,209
Please give it up
for Carly Aquilino!

420
00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:18,045
[cheers and applause]

421
00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:22,674
Wow!

422
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:27,429
Thank you, oh my God,
thank you guys so much!

423
00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:30,057
How's everybody feeling, good?

424
00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:32,642
Good, we love it.

425
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:35,145
Did you guys hear
there's a new variant?

426
00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:37,314
We don't care, right?
None of us?

427
00:22:37,397 --> 00:22:39,566
We're all here,
we're having fun.

428
00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:40,859
I did all the things.

429
00:22:40,942 --> 00:22:43,528
Anytime they tell me there's
a new variant, I'm like,

430
00:22:43,612 --> 00:22:46,907
"Okay, I got the vaccines"
when I still wasn't sure

431
00:22:46,990 --> 00:22:48,408
about the vaccines. Like,

432
00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:51,453
I trusted the vaccines blindly.

433
00:22:51,828 --> 00:22:53,371
My friends were like,
"I trust science!"

434
00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:55,957
I'm like, "I don't know science
at all. I'm sorry.

435
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:58,335
Never learned it.
Don't know anything about it."

436
00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:02,297
I'm kind of dealing with the vaccine
the way I deal with men in my life.

437
00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:04,466
I'm like, "I'll do this, but...

438
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,012
I won't be surprised...

439
00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:11,348
if I end up regretting it."

440
00:23:13,850 --> 00:23:16,186
I miss a lot of things
about the lockdown.

441
00:23:16,269 --> 00:23:17,854
Is that bad to say?

442
00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:19,564
-[audience] No!
-No!

443
00:23:19,648 --> 00:23:22,400
I took seven walks a day.

444
00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:26,613
I miss those videos that went viral
every single day

445
00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:29,366
of just a woman that didn't
want to wear her mask.

446
00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:34,162
I love that lady,
I love them.

447
00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:37,040
It was always the same thing, too.

448
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:40,085
It was just some lady like,
"You can't tell me..."

449
00:23:41,294 --> 00:23:43,839
I'm sorry that she's Southern.
It's just...

450
00:23:44,422 --> 00:23:46,591
that she was always Southern.

451
00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:51,930
"You can't tell me what to do."

452
00:23:54,182 --> 00:23:55,475
And the other person was just like,

453
00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:59,771
"Ma'am, this is a Long John Silver's
and... you're not wearing any shoes."

454
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:01,148
I...

455
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,735
I went through a lot, kind of,
during the lockdown.

456
00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:08,947
I'm 31 now but I turned
30 during the whole thing.

457
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:09,990
Thank you!

458
00:24:10,448 --> 00:24:13,493
Wow, are you guys all 30?
Like, every single one of you?

459
00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:14,661
That's cool.

460
00:24:15,328 --> 00:24:16,621
I went through this thing, though,

461
00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:20,333
where I thought about where I would
be at this point in my life.

462
00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:24,421
Like, what I would have thought
as a teenager. Do you ever do that?

463
00:24:24,504 --> 00:24:26,423
It messes me up.
Like, if you would have asked me

464
00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,091
at 15 years old,

465
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,051
I would be like,
"Um, okay.

466
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,054
First of all, here's the stuff
that's going to happen.

467
00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:35,765
31, ew, that's disgusting, but...

468
00:24:36,892 --> 00:24:39,186
So, I'm definitely going
to get married when I'm 20.

469
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,355
For sure. That's happening.

470
00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:44,941
And then, I'm just going to go
to Europe

471
00:24:46,693 --> 00:24:47,986
for five years,

472
00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:50,405
because that
doesn't cost any money.

473
00:24:50,488 --> 00:24:51,448
That's free.

474
00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:54,743
And then by the time I'm 31,
I'm going to have three kids,

475
00:24:54,826 --> 00:24:57,037
just be a stay-at-home mom."

476
00:24:58,705 --> 00:25:01,333
And now I'm 31, and I'm always like,
"Do I have...

477
00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:04,794
two tampons in right now?"
I don't even know...

478
00:25:05,128 --> 00:25:06,588
I don't even know where they go.

479
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:08,506
Honestly. I...

480
00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,801
I have no way...
I lose them constantly.

481
00:25:11,885 --> 00:25:13,345
I have no idea where they are.

482
00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:16,014
That's my biggest fear
as a grown woman.

483
00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:17,349
Can you imagine?

484
00:25:19,017 --> 00:25:20,560
By the way, that happened to me.

485
00:25:20,644 --> 00:25:23,230
And I don't want to talk about it,
but I'll tell you guys everything.

486
00:25:23,313 --> 00:25:26,191
So I went to go to the bathroom.

487
00:25:26,274 --> 00:25:28,818
And I pull my pants down
and I look down,

488
00:25:28,902 --> 00:25:32,822
and I saw two strings.

489
00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:34,908
And I was like... [gasps]

490
00:25:36,826 --> 00:25:39,120
"Am I a ceiling fan? Why...?

491
00:25:45,085 --> 00:25:48,546
Why exactly are there two strings
coming out of my body right now?"

492
00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:51,216
I don't know if you guys know this,

493
00:25:51,299 --> 00:25:53,802
anything more than one string
is classified as an emergency.

494
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:56,012
That's bad, it's a bad vibe.

495
00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:00,642
I had to go to the doctor.
My poor gyno, this poor woman,

496
00:26:00,725 --> 00:26:02,269
I feel so bad for her.

497
00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:04,646
She hates me,
I know that she does.

498
00:26:05,522 --> 00:26:08,650
I'm always going to her with problems
that I make up, like,

499
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:10,735
I always think I'm pregnant.

500
00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:13,154
Every single month
I think I'm pregnant.

501
00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:15,282
Even if I don't have sex,
I'm like, "Mm, I don't know,

502
00:26:15,365 --> 00:26:18,285
happened to Mary. It could
definitely happen to me."

503
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:24,124
The last time I went in to her
for that, she said,

504
00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:27,294
"Let me ask you a question.
The person that you were with,

505
00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,713
did he withdraw?"

506
00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:36,344
Took me a second, definitely took me
a second to realize what she said.

507
00:26:36,428 --> 00:26:38,888
And then when I figured it out,
I was like, "That was so classy."

508
00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:41,099
Honestly, I felt like a princess.

509
00:26:41,182 --> 00:26:44,477
I was like, "This was really nice
for me. Thank you so much."

510
00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:47,147
I had never heard it said that way.
"Withdraw"?

511
00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:52,736
I was like, "Girl...
he deposits.

512
00:26:56,531 --> 00:26:58,908
He's making a lot
of transactions, and...

513
00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:01,536
it's bad."

514
00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:05,165
I also went through a break-up
during the pandemic

515
00:27:05,248 --> 00:27:06,791
which was kind of crazy.

516
00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:09,336
You know it's bad when
in the middle of a lockdown

517
00:27:09,419 --> 00:27:11,421
somebody looks at you
and they're like, "Hey,

518
00:27:11,504 --> 00:27:13,840
we should see other people."
I was like,

519
00:27:13,923 --> 00:27:17,635
"That's illegal,
but... I get it." You know?

520
00:27:20,055 --> 00:27:22,223
So now I'm dating again,
and it's hard.

521
00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:23,641
You can't do it.

522
00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:26,227
How am I supposed to go out
and meet people?

523
00:27:26,311 --> 00:27:27,729
When I was young, I would worry.

524
00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:30,190
I would worry so much
when I went out with a guy.

525
00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:32,400
I would be like,
"Is he going to kill me?"

526
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,152
And now I would prefer it.

527
00:27:34,235 --> 00:27:39,074
Like "I... I'm done.
No, I'm done. Thank you.

528
00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:41,868
I'm all set. I've seen enough.
I'm done."

529
00:27:44,245 --> 00:27:47,749
I've realized that I have very bad
judgment when it comes to men.

530
00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:51,002
I was at a bar, and I see this guy
at the other end of the bar

531
00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:54,255
and I'm with my friends,
and he had four tattoos on his face.

532
00:27:54,964 --> 00:27:57,467
And I saw it, and I was like,
"I'm going to fix it.

533
00:27:57,550 --> 00:27:59,552
Whatever it is,
I will fix that."

534
00:27:59,636 --> 00:28:01,179
And...

535
00:28:01,262 --> 00:28:03,223
my friends were like,
"I think he's in a gang."

536
00:28:03,306 --> 00:28:05,975
I was like, "I think
you're jealous of me." Like...

537
00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:08,937
"I'm sorry. I have a boyfriend,
you don't. Like...

538
00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:10,897
Girl, if you can't find a man,
just say that."

539
00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:12,232
And that's really how I feel.

540
00:28:12,315 --> 00:28:14,275
I'm sorry,
but it's a lot of jealousy.

541
00:28:15,860 --> 00:28:17,695
But I feel like we don't see
the red flags.

542
00:28:17,779 --> 00:28:19,406
We want to see the good in people.

543
00:28:19,989 --> 00:28:22,492
I always make up excuses for guys.

544
00:28:22,575 --> 00:28:23,868
I'll go out on date,

545
00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:26,454
my friends will be like,
"Hey, how was your first date?"

546
00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:28,706
I'm like, "Um...

547
00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:30,667
[tearfully] well, he made me cry,

548
00:28:31,251 --> 00:28:33,795
and he's definitely a liar,

549
00:28:34,963 --> 00:28:36,256
and I think he's married.

550
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,886
And I think he stole 20 dollars
out of my bag, but...

551
00:28:43,346 --> 00:28:46,141
there's just something about him.
I really do...

552
00:28:46,683 --> 00:28:48,101
I feel good about this."

553
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,062
Thank you guys so much,
you're such a fun crowd.

554
00:28:51,146 --> 00:28:52,897
Are you ready to keep
this show going?

555
00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:56,359
I want you to give a warm welcome

556
00:28:56,443 --> 00:29:00,613
to such a funny guy,
Dave Sirus!

557
00:29:00,697 --> 00:29:03,783
[cheers and applause]

558
00:29:05,660 --> 00:29:07,412
Alright, how you guys doing?

559
00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:10,540
Everything went great.

560
00:29:12,083 --> 00:29:14,753
Great, well, my name's Dave,
I'll be your Jew for the evening.

561
00:29:16,337 --> 00:29:18,715
But honestly, thank you all
so much for being here.

562
00:29:18,798 --> 00:29:21,384
It is so amazing for me to see
all you, to be here,

563
00:29:21,801 --> 00:29:24,387
to see that my friendship with Pete
is finally paying off.

564
00:29:27,348 --> 00:29:29,559
Yeah, I'm Jewish.
I'm also Russian.

565
00:29:29,893 --> 00:29:31,603
So... that's fun now.

566
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:35,815
Yeah, I'm a Russian Jew,
so you know what that means:

567
00:29:35,899 --> 00:29:37,942
I'm two kinds of untrustworthy.

568
00:29:40,195 --> 00:29:43,364
But honestly though, I feel like even
if Russia had never done anything,

569
00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:46,576
people still wouldn't trust us
just for the accent.

570
00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:48,912
Because like,
when you have a Russian accent,

571
00:29:48,995 --> 00:29:53,041
you kind of always sound like
you're about to lie about something.

572
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:55,752
It's just taking you a second
to figure it out, like,

573
00:29:55,835 --> 00:29:57,879
the first time I talked to my
landlord, he was like,

574
00:29:57,962 --> 00:30:00,715
[in Russian accent]
"Oh, you should rent this apartment.

575
00:30:01,090 --> 00:30:04,761
Uh, you...

576
00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:07,889
won't be sorry.

577
00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:13,478
Oh, you should meet my daughter.
She is...

578
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,065
[deep sigh]

579
00:30:19,567 --> 00:30:21,069
...beautiful."

580
00:30:22,028 --> 00:30:24,364
[normal voice] So I should tell you guys
a little bit about myself.

581
00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:26,324
I've always been creepy.

582
00:30:29,327 --> 00:30:31,663
That wasn't the joke. I--

583
00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:34,457
No, like honestly, ever since
I was a kid, I was just always

584
00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:36,376
a really weird kid. But like,

585
00:30:36,459 --> 00:30:40,171
I didn't know how weird
everyone else thought I was.

586
00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:41,422
I think that happens
with weird kids.

587
00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:44,634
I didn't even realize how crazy of
a thought it was until I grew up,

588
00:30:44,717 --> 00:30:46,886
and if I was going through
something, my dad would be like,

589
00:30:46,970 --> 00:30:49,639
"Listen, we're just proud of you
for not being a serial killer."

590
00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:52,100
Like wait, what did I do?

591
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:54,519
So the first clue I ever had

592
00:30:54,602 --> 00:30:56,229
about how weird everyone else
thought I was

593
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:57,772
was in the seventh grade.

594
00:30:57,856 --> 00:31:01,734
My parents got this letter
from the school board that said,

595
00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:03,319
"Congratulations,

596
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:07,949
David has been
selected for a very special program

597
00:31:08,324 --> 00:31:10,618
called Life Skills."

598
00:31:11,911 --> 00:31:13,162
And I was so dumb,

599
00:31:13,246 --> 00:31:14,956
I thought this proved I was gifted.

600
00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:18,209
So I go to this week-long program

601
00:31:18,751 --> 00:31:21,963
that's in a building far away
from my normal school.

602
00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:23,506
I open the door,

603
00:31:23,590 --> 00:31:24,924
and this is exactly what happened,

604
00:31:25,008 --> 00:31:28,636
I see there are
two eager grad students

605
00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:32,098
and the nine most fucked-up kids
in my school.

606
00:31:33,099 --> 00:31:36,394
I mean the kids who were caught
smoking, drinking, fucking, fighting,

607
00:31:36,477 --> 00:31:38,813
the girls who got pregnant,
the guy who got them all pregnant,

608
00:31:39,314 --> 00:31:40,481
and me.

609
00:31:41,357 --> 00:31:42,609
Even though, like--

610
00:31:43,109 --> 00:31:46,112
unlike these other kids,
I hadn't really gotten in trouble.

611
00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:47,989
My grades were fine,

612
00:31:48,072 --> 00:31:52,368
I was, and would stay a virgin
for eight more years.

613
00:31:52,452 --> 00:31:55,413
Yet I was in this class
with the dangerous kids.

614
00:31:55,496 --> 00:31:57,290
And it's only now as an adult,

615
00:31:57,373 --> 00:31:59,542
do I finally realize what
was going on.

616
00:32:00,209 --> 00:32:04,172
That I was the scariest kid
in my school.

617
00:32:04,964 --> 00:32:07,759
Because all the other kids
in this class

618
00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:11,346
knew what they did to be put
into this class.

619
00:32:11,971 --> 00:32:15,808
They were all there for a very
specific on-paper reason.

620
00:32:15,892 --> 00:32:18,186
But with me,
it was just a feeling!

621
00:32:20,146 --> 00:32:22,231
That the whole faculty agreed on

622
00:32:22,982 --> 00:32:24,442
to separate me now.

623
00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:28,321
So, that same year,

624
00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:30,949
I had this one teacher,
Mr. Marigan.

625
00:32:31,032 --> 00:32:33,159
He was my favorite teacher.
And here's the thing,

626
00:32:33,242 --> 00:32:35,119
I was really weird,
I didn't have any friends,

627
00:32:35,203 --> 00:32:37,830
I loved attention,
which is why this is happening.

628
00:32:38,873 --> 00:32:41,918
So I really needed someone
to talk to. If you're a weird kid,

629
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:44,504
you find someone, your family,
a teacher. For me,

630
00:32:44,587 --> 00:32:46,881
that was the cool science teacher
I had. Mr. Marigan.

631
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:48,675
Because even if I was
having a bad day,

632
00:32:48,758 --> 00:32:51,302
I could still tell him a couple
of jokes in class

633
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:53,680
when I walked in
that I knew he'd appreciate

634
00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:55,014
more than these dumb kids.

635
00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:58,059
So I'd be like, "Hey, Mr. Marigan,
I read in this book

636
00:32:58,142 --> 00:33:01,062
that I can talk to dead people
if I have a pint of goat's blood,

637
00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:03,189
a human thumb,
and a paper plate.

638
00:33:04,273 --> 00:33:05,775
Do you have any plates?"

639
00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:08,945
Yeah, exactly. Kid jokes.

640
00:33:10,071 --> 00:33:12,073
Ten years later,

641
00:33:12,156 --> 00:33:16,369
my little brother became
best friends with Mr. Marigan's son.

642
00:33:16,452 --> 00:33:18,788
This is really what he said
to my brother. He goes,

643
00:33:18,871 --> 00:33:22,458
"Oh, wow, you're David's brother?

644
00:33:22,542 --> 00:33:25,003
That kid scared the shit out of me.

645
00:33:26,170 --> 00:33:28,965
Yeah, the 'talk to dead people' kid.
Is he in jail?"

646
00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:31,592
And I said to my brother, "No way.

647
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:33,928
No way. I know Mr. Marigan loved me."

648
00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:36,347
I was, like, his favorite student.
And I have proof,

649
00:33:36,806 --> 00:33:39,475
because that year
my mom had made a deal with me.

650
00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:43,229
I could only go to camp
if my worst grade for the year

651
00:33:43,312 --> 00:33:44,439
was a B- or better.

652
00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:45,773
And I knew I wasn't going to go,

653
00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:48,151
because I actually got a really
bad grade on Marigan's final,

654
00:33:48,234 --> 00:33:50,194
I was going to get more like a D+.

655
00:33:50,778 --> 00:33:53,573
And then last day of school,
I got my report card,

656
00:33:53,656 --> 00:33:57,660
and I was-- I swear to God--
shocked, because I got my B-.

657
00:33:57,744 --> 00:33:59,245
And I knew I didn't deserve it.

658
00:33:59,328 --> 00:34:01,998
I figured, "He knows how hard I'm
working and how much I wanted it.

659
00:34:02,457 --> 00:34:05,126
I'm a good student, he gave me some
extra points." Whatever it was,

660
00:34:05,209 --> 00:34:07,170
I just knew he hooked me up
for some reason.

661
00:34:07,253 --> 00:34:08,671
And that meant a lot to me.

662
00:34:08,755 --> 00:34:11,090
That was why Mr. Marigan was
my favorite teacher

663
00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:12,467
for years after that.

664
00:34:14,093 --> 00:34:18,056
Until... I got to hear the other half
of that story.

665
00:34:18,139 --> 00:34:20,558
This is really what he said to
my brother. He goes,

666
00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:24,479
"Look, I'm going to tell you
how much that kid freaked me out.

667
00:34:25,354 --> 00:34:28,733
I don't know how he did it, I don't
know how he figured out how to do it.

668
00:34:28,816 --> 00:34:30,318
But somehow, some way,

669
00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:32,653
when I was doing his grade point
average at the end of the year,

670
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:36,783
it equaled out to a perfect 66.6.

671
00:34:41,704 --> 00:34:43,748
I was so scared I gave him a B-."

672
00:34:45,208 --> 00:34:48,336
Yeah, turns out, Marigan did not
understand me at all. But,

673
00:34:48,419 --> 00:34:49,712
it did get me into camp.

674
00:34:49,796 --> 00:34:51,047
Which, by the way,

675
00:34:51,130 --> 00:34:53,299
was a terrible experience
I wish I hadn't gone to.

676
00:34:54,467 --> 00:34:57,386
Honestly, I think the reason
I was so weird, part of it,

677
00:34:57,470 --> 00:34:59,639
is that my mom had me really young.
She was 18,

678
00:34:59,722 --> 00:35:04,435
I love my mom, but she wasn't ready
for how weird I would be.

679
00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:06,062
Here's a perfect example.

680
00:35:06,145 --> 00:35:08,815
So, the next year, I was probably 13,

681
00:35:08,898 --> 00:35:10,024
and like I said,

682
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:12,276
I was really unpopular, no friends,

683
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,862
and I was desperate for a girlfriend.
I wanted a girlfriend so bad.

684
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:16,239
And I wasn't even horny.

685
00:35:16,322 --> 00:35:19,992
I was fantasizing about someday
getting to buy a girl a locket.

686
00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:22,703
Like, that's how wholesome I was.

687
00:35:22,787 --> 00:35:25,665
So, I knew I could never date a girl
at my own school.

688
00:35:25,748 --> 00:35:26,624
So I had a plan.

689
00:35:26,707 --> 00:35:30,253
If I could just meet girls
in other school districts,

690
00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:33,172
it could take weeks for them
to find out about me.

691
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:36,551
So I got a bunch of art supplies
that I had in my basement,

692
00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:38,386
because I was actually really
into drawing at the time.

693
00:35:38,469 --> 00:35:39,804
I actually went to college
to be a painter,

694
00:35:39,887 --> 00:35:41,556
that's why I do comedy for a living.

695
00:35:42,098 --> 00:35:45,685
So I got these art supplies,
and I really did this.

696
00:35:45,768 --> 00:35:46,894
I'm not even joking.

697
00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:49,897
I really made a bunch of hand-drawn

698
00:35:49,981 --> 00:35:54,026
homemade posters that really did say,

699
00:35:55,236 --> 00:35:58,239
"Children's Dating Service."

700
00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:04,370
Oh! And, my phone number.

701
00:36:06,372 --> 00:36:09,750
And my mom walked in on me
making these posters,

702
00:36:10,459 --> 00:36:13,004
and I swear to God, she said,

703
00:36:13,713 --> 00:36:16,299
"Oh, good idea!
Want me to help you put these up?"

704
00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:19,093
That is poor parenting.

705
00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:22,555
I am convinced to this day that
the only reason I wasn't molested

706
00:36:22,638 --> 00:36:24,265
is that every pervert in my town

707
00:36:24,348 --> 00:36:27,476
thought that this was the laziest
police sting they'd ever seen.

708
00:36:29,395 --> 00:36:30,980
Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Dave.

709
00:36:31,063 --> 00:36:33,733
We've got... we've got such
a great show for you.

710
00:36:33,816 --> 00:36:37,320
This next comic, he is one
of my favorite comics in the world.

711
00:36:37,403 --> 00:36:39,780
You may have seen him in the movie
<i>Big Time Adolescence</i>.

712
00:36:39,864 --> 00:36:41,657
Let's give a big hand, everybody,
for Joey Gay!

713
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:43,993
[cheers and applause]

714
00:36:44,744 --> 00:36:47,580
What's up, fuckers,
how are you?

715
00:36:49,123 --> 00:36:51,709
Oh no, that's not going to work!
How are you?

716
00:36:52,501 --> 00:36:54,754
-[Joey] That's right!
-It was fine.

717
00:36:54,837 --> 00:36:58,758
It's great to be here.
My name is Joey Gay, G-A-Y.

718
00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:00,384
I grew up in Brooklyn.

719
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,470
That shit was not cool.

720
00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:06,474
Other children beat the shit
out of me

721
00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:09,644
because my last name is Gay.

722
00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:12,480
Two weeks ago I found out
my last name

723
00:37:12,563 --> 00:37:15,441
is from the Champagne region
in France.

724
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:17,568
I know, it got gayer!

725
00:37:19,195 --> 00:37:22,782
<i>Which seems weird in this late stage</i>
<i>in the game.</i>

726
00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:26,118
And it's supposed to be pronounced,
"Ghee."

727
00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:29,956
Right? But I still live in Brooklyn,

728
00:37:30,039 --> 00:37:31,791
I don't have the time

729
00:37:32,291 --> 00:37:34,001
or the balls

730
00:37:34,669 --> 00:37:36,963
to correct people.
Like, "Oh, no, sir,

731
00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:39,757
that's pronounced 'Ghee'."

732
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:42,927
People in Brooklyn are dickheads,
they'll be like,

733
00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:46,514
"Oh, I know, I got a cousin
who's 'ghee,' he sucks 'cooks.'"

734
00:37:50,393 --> 00:37:53,604
So happy to be here tonight.
I had a heart attack recently.

735
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,732
They wheeled me into the hospital.

736
00:37:56,816 --> 00:37:59,735
The doctor came out and
the first thing he said to me was,

737
00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:03,614
"Sir, we found drugs
in your system."

738
00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:09,203
I was like, "Ah, Doctor,
I put the drugs in my system.

739
00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:14,542
Let's move on to the heart attack.
That's the part I don't know about."

740
00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:20,798
He wanted to be a dick,
he wanted to keep going, He's like,

741
00:38:20,881 --> 00:38:23,134
"About the drugs..."
I was like, "Fuck this guy,

742
00:38:23,217 --> 00:38:24,635
I'm going to flip it on him."

743
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:27,388
I was like, "Yeah, about the drugs,

744
00:38:27,763 --> 00:38:29,348
I want them back!"

745
00:38:32,852 --> 00:38:35,730
They had to prepare me for surgery.
That was scary.

746
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:38,482
While they prepared me for surgery,

747
00:38:38,566 --> 00:38:40,776
they shaved down here,

748
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:42,778
but only half.

749
00:38:44,822 --> 00:38:48,159
Only the right half, the top
and one of the twins,

750
00:38:48,242 --> 00:38:49,827
the low-hanging one.

751
00:38:53,706 --> 00:38:55,041
Yeah!

752
00:38:55,624 --> 00:39:00,087
And then, they started surgery
by going in through my wrist.

753
00:39:01,672 --> 00:39:02,757
Yes!

754
00:39:04,925 --> 00:39:06,844
I was like, "Hey, what the fuck?"

755
00:39:06,927 --> 00:39:10,306
He was like, "Well, in case
this doesn't work, we'll go in."

756
00:39:10,389 --> 00:39:12,350
I was like,
"Couldn't you have waited?

757
00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:14,477
Look at this!"

758
00:39:14,935 --> 00:39:18,731
Do you know what it's like to be
laying naked, on the edge of death,

759
00:39:19,065 --> 00:39:21,734
surrounded by strangers,
thinking, "God!

760
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:26,364
Let me live
so I can shave this other nut.

761
00:39:29,075 --> 00:39:32,745
Don't send me to the afterlife
looking like this, Lord."

762
00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:36,040
Having a heart attack
is a fucked-up thing.

763
00:39:36,123 --> 00:39:38,751
After that,
you've got to change stuff.

764
00:39:39,293 --> 00:39:41,921
You got to change stuff.
I had to start exercising,

765
00:39:42,004 --> 00:39:44,131
I had to give up cigarettes.

766
00:39:44,548 --> 00:39:48,511
Oh my God! Do I miss cigarettes.

767
00:39:48,844 --> 00:39:53,766
Cigarettes are the single greatest
vice on the planet.

768
00:39:54,266 --> 00:39:57,019
If you don't believe me,
allow me to explain.

769
00:39:57,478 --> 00:40:00,856
People used to go home at night
to smoke,

770
00:40:00,940 --> 00:40:04,235
and they would put on
their smoking jacket.

771
00:40:06,570 --> 00:40:11,242
It is a vice that is so good,
it had apparel.

772
00:40:12,284 --> 00:40:14,912
You would go into your home
and put on a silk jacket

773
00:40:14,995 --> 00:40:17,206
like some sort of tobacco pimp.

774
00:40:21,544 --> 00:40:25,297
I wish other vices
had apparel, too.

775
00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:30,177
Right? So then when you showed up
at the bar

776
00:40:30,970 --> 00:40:33,806
on Friday night
and you saw your friends,

777
00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:37,518
you would know exactly what type
of bullshit

778
00:40:37,601 --> 00:40:39,645
you were in for that night.

779
00:40:39,728 --> 00:40:42,148
People would be like,
"Hey, there's Larry!"

780
00:40:42,231 --> 00:40:44,442
You would be like,
"Don't wave at Larry."

781
00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:47,736
"Why not?"
"Larry is wearing his crack helmet.

782
00:40:50,990 --> 00:40:53,075
Larry is going to be
an asshole tonight!

783
00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:55,536
Borrowing money,
chewing on his face."

784
00:40:58,539 --> 00:41:01,667
I'm getting older and finding out
in weird fucking ways.

785
00:41:02,835 --> 00:41:05,504
I found out I was getting old
at my bodega.

786
00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:08,174
Last year, when they gave me
my change, they were like,

787
00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:09,550
"Thank you, my dude."

788
00:41:10,593 --> 00:41:12,845
Now they go, "Thank you, sir."

789
00:41:12,928 --> 00:41:14,430
Hey! Fuck you!

790
00:41:16,765 --> 00:41:18,934
Ease off on that "sir" shit.

791
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,979
Whenever some young motherfucker
gives me that "sir" shit,

792
00:41:22,062 --> 00:41:24,231
I have something for them, though.

793
00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:25,816
When they go,
"Thank you, sir." I go,

794
00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:29,028
"I welcome your thanks,
young squire!"

795
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:37,369
See, that puts an end
to that "sir" shit 99% of the time.

796
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:41,499
But the asshole at <i>my </i>bodega
on the corner

797
00:41:41,582 --> 00:41:44,877
likes to spend his weekends
at the Renaissance festival.

798
00:41:46,420 --> 00:41:50,007
Yeah, so now every time I come in,
he's like, "My liege!"

799
00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:54,428
I like Los Angeles.
It's crazy though.

800
00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:56,639
I was out here on
Hollywood Boulevard,

801
00:41:56,722 --> 00:41:59,475
it reminds me of my hometown,
New York.

802
00:41:59,558 --> 00:42:03,395
Listen, if you are
from New York or L.A.,

803
00:42:04,063 --> 00:42:08,776
you have a superpower that
other people in the country don't.

804
00:42:08,859 --> 00:42:13,781
And that is you can ignore
more crazy...

805
00:42:15,866 --> 00:42:18,035
than anybody else on the planet.

806
00:42:22,790 --> 00:42:26,001
You could be standing on a corner
waiting for the light to change.

807
00:42:26,085 --> 00:42:29,672
A stranger could walk up
next to you.

808
00:42:30,548 --> 00:42:34,385
He could be holding
a severed human head,

809
00:42:36,637 --> 00:42:38,556
wearing no pants,

810
00:42:40,099 --> 00:42:41,725
no underwear,

811
00:42:41,809 --> 00:42:44,478
rock-hard dick out to here!

812
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,064
If you're from a town like ours,
you just go,

813
00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:50,109
"Not my head, not my dick,
not my business."

814
00:42:52,778 --> 00:42:56,365
Thank you very much. I have enjoyed
this more than you have.

815
00:42:57,157 --> 00:42:58,951
[cheers and applause]

816
00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:04,540
It is my pleasure to bring to the
stage a man you've seen here

817
00:43:04,623 --> 00:43:07,001
on Netflix on the show <i>Love</i>.

818
00:43:07,084 --> 00:43:10,296
Ladies and gentlemen,
a big round of applause

819
00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:12,506
for Mr. Jordan Rock.

820
00:43:12,590 --> 00:43:14,675
[cheers and applause]

821
00:43:15,676 --> 00:43:17,469
Ah, you guys can make
more noise than that.

822
00:43:17,553 --> 00:43:19,430
What's good, L.A.?
Make some noise!

823
00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:21,390
[cheers and applause]

824
00:43:22,099 --> 00:43:23,767
Nice. Nice.

825
00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:26,520
So, 2022, how we feeling about it?

826
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:27,855
[scattered clamoring]

827
00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:30,441
Not even a clap, alright.

828
00:43:31,358 --> 00:43:33,944
I know, right?
We're feeling it out still.

829
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:36,071
I don't know, man.
Not that it's a bad year,

830
00:43:36,155 --> 00:43:38,616
we just had two bad years
back to back.

831
00:43:39,241 --> 00:43:41,827
Right? Like 2020, 2021...

832
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:44,163
2021 started good.

833
00:43:44,246 --> 00:43:45,789
They let us outside.

834
00:43:48,959 --> 00:43:51,837
They were like, "Go, be out there!"

835
00:43:52,338 --> 00:43:54,048
They told us
to take the masks off,

836
00:43:54,131 --> 00:43:57,009
we threw them in the air
like it was graduation.

837
00:43:58,093 --> 00:44:00,471
And then they were like,
"Put them back on!"

838
00:44:00,554 --> 00:44:02,931
And we were like, "No,
that's not how this shit works.

839
00:44:03,015 --> 00:44:04,350
Alright? No!

840
00:44:04,433 --> 00:44:07,353
You reneging right now. Nah."

841
00:44:07,811 --> 00:44:10,689
The CDC was acting like your parents
after they gave you too much freedom.

842
00:44:10,773 --> 00:44:12,441
You felt that, right?

843
00:44:12,524 --> 00:44:15,819
CDC was on TV like, "Bring the car
back right now, alright?"

844
00:44:17,404 --> 00:44:20,115
You were like, "No, you said
I could be out though!"

845
00:44:21,075 --> 00:44:24,495
"Yeah, I said you could be out, I didn't
say you could be with your friends."

846
00:44:26,455 --> 00:44:28,457
That was our life, man.
We made it out.

847
00:44:28,540 --> 00:44:30,376
What else happened in 2021?
We got that new president.

848
00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:31,627
How do we feel about him?

849
00:44:31,710 --> 00:44:33,545
[scattered applause]

850
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:36,632
Eh...

851
00:44:37,758 --> 00:44:40,135
I'm not political,
I don't have any political jokes.

852
00:44:40,219 --> 00:44:42,513
But I will say this about Joe Biden.

853
00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:47,184
I didn't even know I liked
my president tweeting

854
00:44:49,061 --> 00:44:50,521
until it stopped.

855
00:44:52,231 --> 00:44:54,733
Now I'm just like, "Nigga...

856
00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:57,194
where you at, bro?" Like...

857
00:44:59,613 --> 00:45:01,657
What the fuck?
Yo, Trump tweeted all the time.

858
00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:02,991
Trump tweeted like Kanye,

859
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,244
it was like, "Yo,
take this nigga's phone, bro!"

860
00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:10,207
But the con was, every time Trump
tweeted, it was like,

861
00:45:10,290 --> 00:45:12,793
"I feel like he about to go to war.
I feel like..."

862
00:45:15,170 --> 00:45:17,089
But now we almost there.

863
00:45:18,048 --> 00:45:21,427
And I'm just looking at Joe Biden
like, "Nigga...

864
00:45:22,344 --> 00:45:25,848
start an Instagram
or something, bro, please!

865
00:45:27,307 --> 00:45:30,394
A TikTok!
You got to reach Gen Z, man!"

866
00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:34,273
Speaking of Gen Z,
is there any Gen Z in here? Any?

867
00:45:34,356 --> 00:45:35,732
[audience cheering]

868
00:45:36,233 --> 00:45:40,737
Alright, round of applause if you
are over the age of 25.

869
00:45:40,821 --> 00:45:42,948
[cheers and applause]

870
00:45:43,699 --> 00:45:45,200
Nice. My people.

871
00:45:45,742 --> 00:45:48,745
Round of applause if you are
under the age of 25.

872
00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:50,581
[cheers and applause]

873
00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:54,334
I'm glad you're all here.

874
00:45:56,295 --> 00:45:59,590
I'll take it on behalf of everybody
over the age of 25

875
00:45:59,673 --> 00:46:03,093
to finally say to everyone under 25:

876
00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:05,929
fuck Gen Z!

877
00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:10,184
We don't like you!

878
00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:13,020
I'm a millennial, yo,
I thought we were bad.

879
00:46:13,770 --> 00:46:15,689
Yeah, we had opinions.

880
00:46:16,231 --> 00:46:18,192
No one gave a fuck.

881
00:46:18,817 --> 00:46:22,821
Everyone under 25, y'all got opinions
and you want everyone to know them,

882
00:46:22,905 --> 00:46:25,657
and you want everybody to change
for you.

883
00:46:26,617 --> 00:46:29,244
Yeah, everyone under the age of 25
is like,

884
00:46:29,328 --> 00:46:32,289
"I know I just got here in 1997,

885
00:46:34,875 --> 00:46:37,294
but you're doing it wrong, alright?

886
00:46:37,878 --> 00:46:41,798
Listen to me, okay? I read a book
and wrote a blog, alright?

887
00:46:41,882 --> 00:46:43,175
Listen to me.

888
00:46:43,258 --> 00:46:46,428
I've never signed a lease,
but listen, okay?"

889
00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:51,558
I hate it, man.
Millennials, we were progressive.

890
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:55,187
We did progressive shit,
but we didn't lead like that, you know?

891
00:46:55,270 --> 00:46:58,023
It was just like, "Yo man, why you
doing that? That shit's hard."

892
00:47:00,943 --> 00:47:03,779
That was it. "Yo, why you wearing
that? That shit's dope."

893
00:47:04,696 --> 00:47:06,281
That's all we needed.

894
00:47:06,740 --> 00:47:11,078
Ask anybody under the age of 25
why they're doing anything.

895
00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:13,330
Like, "Hey man, why are you wearing
that shirt?"

896
00:47:13,413 --> 00:47:16,416
"Clothing's my outlet."
"Yo, shut the fuck up, please.

897
00:47:16,542 --> 00:47:17,751
Please?

898
00:47:18,877 --> 00:47:21,797
Please shut up. Please,
please, please, please, please."

899
00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:25,509
Talking about anybody
under the age of 25

900
00:47:27,010 --> 00:47:30,097
with a Twitter account.
Fuck you. Alright?

901
00:47:33,392 --> 00:47:35,644
Yes, thank you, up top.
Thank you, thank you.

902
00:47:36,436 --> 00:47:40,524
Yeah, I'm happy about 2022
that nothing racial's happened yet.

903
00:47:41,233 --> 00:47:43,193
I hate when racial shit happens
in the country,

904
00:47:43,277 --> 00:47:45,529
like cops shoot an unarmed
black man.

905
00:47:46,238 --> 00:47:47,447
Go back to work the next day,

906
00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:50,200
all your white friends
are overcompensating.

907
00:47:51,577 --> 00:47:55,831
Yeah, you get it. You're Asian,
you're a POC, yeah!

908
00:47:57,624 --> 00:48:00,877
Show up the next day, all your white
friends in your face like, "Hey.

909
00:48:04,631 --> 00:48:06,383
Do you know...

910
00:48:07,509 --> 00:48:09,303
that Black lives...

911
00:48:10,137 --> 00:48:11,722
matter?"

912
00:48:13,682 --> 00:48:15,350
And I'm just looking at them
confused, like,

913
00:48:15,434 --> 00:48:17,978
"Yeah, I thought all of that
was for you.

914
00:48:19,104 --> 00:48:23,358
I've been here, I'm Black,
I matter. Tell your grandpa, please.

915
00:48:24,818 --> 00:48:26,612
He makes the laws."

916
00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:31,283
I hate it, man.
All my white friends overcompensate.

917
00:48:31,366 --> 00:48:34,161
All my other friends
act like good people.

918
00:48:34,745 --> 00:48:37,456
I hate it. I go on Facebook,
all my friends turn into activists

919
00:48:37,539 --> 00:48:38,915
out of nowhere.

920
00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:40,876
Yeah, I read the post,
by the end of it I'm like,

921
00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:45,130
"But nigga, I know you. You're...
you're a piece of shit, man.

922
00:48:45,213 --> 00:48:47,299
You curse at your mom.
What are you talking about?"

923
00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:51,428
I hate it.
My boys get way too into it.

924
00:48:51,511 --> 00:48:53,013
Went on Facebook the other day,
my boy was like,

925
00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:54,389
"I'm about to donate to charity!"

926
00:48:54,473 --> 00:48:56,892
I was like, "Whoa, nigga,
you owe me $40,

927
00:48:56,975 --> 00:48:58,310
what are you talking about?

928
00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:01,855
Fuck this GoFundMe, bro,
you don't know her, alright?

929
00:49:01,938 --> 00:49:04,566
I was there for you when
you needed it. Break me, nigga."

930
00:49:06,568 --> 00:49:08,904
Found out
I was a piece of shit in 2020.

931
00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:12,658
Not that I'm a piece of shit,
it's just that I have a selfish set

932
00:49:12,741 --> 00:49:14,159
of inner values.

933
00:49:14,242 --> 00:49:18,080
I have to answer to God
about that when I go, okay?

934
00:49:18,830 --> 00:49:22,084
But I'm still with the shit,
I still don't fuck with racism,

935
00:49:22,167 --> 00:49:24,086
systemic racism,

936
00:49:24,169 --> 00:49:25,796
police brutality.

937
00:49:26,421 --> 00:49:27,881
The police.

938
00:49:29,257 --> 00:49:31,510
But at the same time, there are
certain things that affect me

939
00:49:31,593 --> 00:49:32,761
just as much as the police.

940
00:49:32,844 --> 00:49:34,304
There are certain things
that happened to me

941
00:49:34,388 --> 00:49:38,517
that I think are just as bad
as the police, to me.

942
00:49:40,811 --> 00:49:42,062
Y'all quiet as shit right now.

943
00:49:42,145 --> 00:49:45,774
Y'all are like, "Where the fuck is he
going with all these trigger words?

944
00:49:46,733 --> 00:49:48,902
Just trigger after trigger
after trigger, I'm triggered."

945
00:49:49,986 --> 00:49:52,155
I got y'all, I'll make it funny,
alright? Here we go.

946
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:54,533
Y'all ready for...? This is something.
Y'all ready for something

947
00:49:54,616 --> 00:49:56,368
that I think is just as bad
as the police?

948
00:49:56,451 --> 00:49:58,662
-[woman] Yeah.
-Alright, here we go.

949
00:50:06,628 --> 00:50:08,588
If you're a woman,

950
00:50:13,051 --> 00:50:16,138
and you give a half-ass blowjob,

951
00:50:18,265 --> 00:50:22,561
you are just as bad

952
00:50:23,353 --> 00:50:25,480
as the police

953
00:50:26,732 --> 00:50:29,234
to me, okay?

954
00:50:29,526 --> 00:50:31,778
You are oppressing me.

955
00:50:32,404 --> 00:50:34,990
You're stopping me from reaching
my full potential.

956
00:50:35,532 --> 00:50:38,618
And I know you're causing that
police brutality outside, alright?

957
00:50:39,870 --> 00:50:41,705
Because officers with empty nuts

958
00:50:41,788 --> 00:50:44,249
don't shoot unarmed black people, okay?

959
00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:48,962
We cannot have these officers
in the streets

960
00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:51,047
with full nuts

961
00:50:52,299 --> 00:50:54,217
and full clips.

962
00:50:57,971 --> 00:51:00,307
One of them has to be empty.

963
00:51:09,024 --> 00:51:11,151
So ladies, we need you.

964
00:51:11,818 --> 00:51:14,070
Every woman in this room.

965
00:51:15,447 --> 00:51:16,865
We need you.

966
00:51:18,408 --> 00:51:20,619
We need you the most, alright?

967
00:51:21,411 --> 00:51:23,371
Next time you suck a dick, alright?

968
00:51:23,955 --> 00:51:26,249
Go down there with intent, alright?
Just...

969
00:51:27,042 --> 00:51:30,921
Just energy, commitment, alright?
Grab the head right here, okay?

970
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,758
This is where all the nerves are.
Fuck the shaft,

971
00:51:34,841 --> 00:51:36,885
grab the balls, tickle the taint,

972
00:51:36,968 --> 00:51:38,929
spit, elbow grease.

973
00:51:43,183 --> 00:51:44,643
I'll sum it all up.

974
00:51:46,269 --> 00:51:48,021
Ladies, if you can,

975
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:51,024
next time you suck a dick,

976
00:51:53,026 --> 00:51:54,444
please...

977
00:51:56,238 --> 00:51:57,823
suck dick...

978
00:52:01,117 --> 00:52:03,328
like Black lives matter.

979
00:52:10,669 --> 00:52:13,421
We need you!

980
00:52:13,505 --> 00:52:15,924
White women, we really need you,
okay? We really do.

981
00:52:16,007 --> 00:52:19,594
You have, uh... You have BLM
on all your dating profiles.

982
00:52:19,678 --> 00:52:21,221
It's time to prove it, alright?

983
00:52:23,557 --> 00:52:25,559
I'm Jordan Rock,
and with that being said,

984
00:52:25,642 --> 00:52:29,020
are you ready for me to bring back
the man of the hour?

985
00:52:31,314 --> 00:52:36,570
Make some noise for my motherfucking
nigga, Pete Davidson, everybody.

986
00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:39,197
[cheers and applause]

987
00:52:43,410 --> 00:52:44,578
Woo!

988
00:52:44,661 --> 00:52:47,289
Jordan Rock, everybody.
Jordan Rock.

989
00:52:48,748 --> 00:52:51,459
Backstage, I was like,
welp, I'm getting canceled.

990
00:52:53,628 --> 00:52:55,964
Thank you.
Thank you guys all for coming out.

991
00:52:56,047 --> 00:52:59,843
One more time for all the comics
that you see tonight.

992
00:52:59,926 --> 00:53:01,970
[cheers and applause]

993
00:53:02,679 --> 00:53:06,850
Anyways, this next guy who's coming
to the stage...

994
00:53:07,350 --> 00:53:13,148
we celebrated Christmas together
in 2018.

995
00:53:13,231 --> 00:53:17,402
We were at my mom's house, we were
living together at my mom's house...

996
00:53:19,446 --> 00:53:20,822
in her basement.

997
00:53:22,407 --> 00:53:24,743
And I remember we were looking
at each other, and we were like,

998
00:53:24,826 --> 00:53:26,286
"It's okay.

999
00:53:27,537 --> 00:53:29,539
Our careers are fucking over.
It's fine.

1000
00:53:30,665 --> 00:53:33,084
We had fun. It's all good."

1001
00:53:33,168 --> 00:53:35,795
Whoever would have thought
we could have done anything, right?

1002
00:53:36,504 --> 00:53:40,634
This guy now has
two number-one albums in a row.

1003
00:53:40,717 --> 00:53:44,054
He's I think one of the biggest names
you can get.

1004
00:53:44,137 --> 00:53:47,933
Please give it up for
Machine Gun Kelly, everyone!

1005
00:53:48,016 --> 00:53:49,392
[cheers and applause]

1006
00:53:49,476 --> 00:53:55,190
<i>♪ Ayy, I wrote a letter to myself</i>
<i>In the form of a song I could play ♪</i>

1007
00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:56,691
<i>♪ When the sun shines ♪</i>

1008
00:53:56,775 --> 00:53:59,319
<i>♪ I know better than to trust ♪</i>

1009
00:53:59,402 --> 00:54:03,239
<i>♪ Anything that I say to myself</i>
<i>When I'm this high ♪</i>

1010
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:06,618
<i>♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪</i>

1011
00:54:06,701 --> 00:54:09,412
<i>♪ I don't ever</i>
<i>Wanna fall when I'm this high ♪</i>

1012
00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:12,749
<i>♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪</i>

1013
00:54:12,832 --> 00:54:15,418
<i>♪ I don't ever</i>
<i>Wanna fall when... ♪</i>

1014
00:54:15,502 --> 00:54:18,254
<i>♪ I just did a interview</i>
<i>With my eyes closed ♪</i>

1015
00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:19,297
<i>-♪ Motherfucker ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Motherfucker ♪</i>

1016
00:54:19,381 --> 00:54:22,342
<i>♪ I just sparked a blunt</i>
<i>It looked like pyro ♪</i>

1017
00:54:22,425 --> 00:54:24,719
<i>♪ Only comments I see</i>
<i>Are the bad ones ♪</i>

1018
00:54:24,803 --> 00:54:25,762
<i>♪ Yeah, yeah ♪</i>

1019
00:54:25,845 --> 00:54:27,847
<i>♪ Only playlists I like</i>
<i>Are the sad ones ♪</i>

1020
00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:30,517
<i>♪ I let the medicine in</i>
<i>I know it won't help in the end ♪</i>

1021
00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:33,019
<i>♪ But I got depression again</i>
<i>I had a meeting at seven ♪</i>

1022
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:34,938
<i>♪ I skipped it and slept in and woke up</i>
<i>At 7 p.m. ♪</i>

1023
00:54:35,021 --> 00:54:36,690
<i>-♪ I cut my hair off ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Like Britney ♪</i>

1024
00:54:36,773 --> 00:54:38,358
<i>-♪ Sprinkled dust ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Like a pixie ♪</i>

1025
00:54:38,441 --> 00:54:40,110
<i>-♪ Wiped my nose ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Like it's itchy ♪</i>

1026
00:54:40,193 --> 00:54:41,820
<i>-♪ I'm tatted up ♪</i>
<i>-♪ And I don't give a fuck ♪</i>

1027
00:54:42,487 --> 00:54:45,323
<i>♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪</i>

1028
00:54:45,865 --> 00:54:48,743
<i>♪ I don't ever</i>
<i>Wanna fall when I'm this high ♪</i>

1029
00:54:48,827 --> 00:54:52,247
<i>♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪</i>

1030
00:54:52,330 --> 00:54:55,125
<i>♪ I don't ever</i>
<i>Wanna fall when I'm this high ♪</i>

1031
00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:58,712
<i>♪ When I'm this high</i>
<i>When I'm this high ♪</i>

1032
00:54:58,795 --> 00:55:01,965
<i>♪ I just looked in the mirror</i>
<i>Who is this guy? ♪</i>

1033
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:05,343
<i>♪ It's a full moon, what?</i>
<i>Where the good shrooms? ♪</i>

1034
00:55:05,427 --> 00:55:08,221
<i>♪ I'm so fucking high</i>
<i>Sound like a good school ♪</i>

1035
00:55:08,304 --> 00:55:10,932
<i>♪ Higher than Jehovah</i>
<i>Highway to Heaven ♪</i>

1036
00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:14,644
<i>♪ You know I'ma get pulled over</i>
<i>I might need a chauffeur ♪</i>

1037
00:55:14,728 --> 00:55:17,772
<i>♪ Lean in my soda</i>
<i>So I'ma need a shoulder ♪</i>

1038
00:55:17,856 --> 00:55:21,192
<i>♪ Why you got your nose up?</i>
<i>I smell like Guns N' Roses ♪</i>

1039
00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:24,738
<i>♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪</i>

1040
00:55:24,821 --> 00:55:27,824
<i>♪ I don't ever</i>
<i>Wanna fall when I'm this high ♪</i>

1041
00:55:28,366 --> 00:55:31,202
<i>♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪</i>

1042
00:55:31,286 --> 00:55:34,873
<i>♪ I don't ever</i>
<i>Wanna fall when I'm this high ♪</i>

1043
00:55:35,832 --> 00:55:39,919
Make some noise for my motherfucking
best friend Pete Davidson.

1044
00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:42,380
[cheers and applause]

1045
00:55:44,466 --> 00:55:47,218
<i>♪ I don't ever wanna fall</i>
<i>When I'm this high ♪</i>

1046
00:55:51,765 --> 00:55:52,891
Let's go.

1047
00:55:52,974 --> 00:55:54,809
<i>♪ Screaming when we fuck ♪</i>

1048
00:55:54,893 --> 00:55:56,936
<i>♪ Screaming when we fight, yeah ♪</i>

1049
00:55:57,020 --> 00:56:00,482
<i>♪ Even when I'm drunk</i>
<i>You're my only type, yeah ♪</i>

1050
00:56:00,565 --> 00:56:04,069
<i>♪ Please don't break my heart</i>
<i>I know that you might, yeah ♪</i>

1051
00:56:04,152 --> 00:56:07,238
<i>♪ Tell me tell me now</i>
<i>Are you 'bout that life? Yeah ♪</i>

1052
00:56:07,322 --> 00:56:10,742
<i>♪ Bonnie and Clyde, ready to die</i>
<i>Two grave sites, later tonight ♪</i>

1053
00:56:10,825 --> 00:56:14,704
<i>♪ You told me to stop waiting</i>
<i>I can feel your back breaking ♪</i>

1054
00:56:14,788 --> 00:56:18,374
<i>♪ Late night, face down, ooh</i>
<i>Waterworks, swam your pool ♪</i>

1055
00:56:18,458 --> 00:56:21,836
<i>♪ Backstroke, we both naked</i>
<i>I can see that ass shaking ♪</i>

1056
00:56:22,670 --> 00:56:26,007
<i>♪ Yeah, break up just to make up ♪</i>

1057
00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,719
<i>♪ You're gone when I wake up ♪</i>

1058
00:56:29,803 --> 00:56:32,972
<i>♪ Yeah, break up just to make up ♪</i>

1059
00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:36,893
<i>♪ Oh, you're gone when I wake up ♪</i>

1060
00:56:36,976 --> 00:56:40,188
<i>♪ When you come back I'll be waiting ♪</i>

1061
00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:43,775
<i>♪ There's something you're not saying ♪</i>

1062
00:56:44,442 --> 00:56:47,821
<i>♪ When you come back I'll be waiting ♪</i>

1063
00:56:47,904 --> 00:56:51,449
<i>♪ There's something you're not saying ♪</i>

1064
00:57:08,633 --> 00:57:10,510
[Machine Gun Kelly]
Actually, this next one,

1065
00:57:10,593 --> 00:57:13,304
me and Pete, we've been
smoking weed together

1066
00:57:13,388 --> 00:57:16,015
for a long time
in his mom's basement,

1067
00:57:16,099 --> 00:57:18,726
and anytime we do smoke...

1068
00:57:18,810 --> 00:57:20,145
<i>♪ This shit tastes like... ♪</i>

1069
00:57:22,856 --> 00:57:25,191
<i>♪ Get those hands up like this, yeah ♪</i>

1070
00:57:25,275 --> 00:57:28,194
<i>♪ L.A.'s seen this shit, yeah</i>
<i>Yeah ♪</i>

1071
00:57:28,361 --> 00:57:30,905
<i>♪ You know I keep that candy, yeah ♪</i>

1072
00:57:30,989 --> 00:57:33,324
<i>♪ I need more like Mandy, yeah ♪</i>

1073
00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:35,785
<i>-♪ Stay up, take addies, yeah ♪</i>
<i>-♪ What? ♪</i>

1074
00:57:35,869 --> 00:57:38,204
<i>♪ I'm trying to fix this damage, yeah ♪</i>

1075
00:57:38,288 --> 00:57:40,665
<i>♪ You know I keep that candy, yeah ♪</i>

1076
00:57:40,748 --> 00:57:43,126
<i>♪ I need more like Mandy, yeah ♪</i>

1077
00:57:43,209 --> 00:57:45,587
<i>♪ Stay up, take addies, yeah ♪</i>

1078
00:57:45,712 --> 00:57:47,964
<i>♪ I'm trying to face this damage, yeah ♪</i>

1079
00:57:48,089 --> 00:57:52,635
<i>♪ I'm in my head again</i>
<i>I took more medicine ♪</i>

1080
00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:57,432
<i>♪ Ripped up the parts from my heart</i>
<i>And my chest again ♪</i>