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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[in Spanish] My name is Ricardo Quevedo.

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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I am 37 years old.

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I'm married and a cynic.

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I mean, a comic.

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Sometimes, things don't go as planned.

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They actually always go awry for me,
which explains it all.

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But I always give it another try.

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I start over and over again.

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Been at it for 20 years like a dumbass,

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doing everything and anything,

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just to make you laugh.

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THICK EYEBROWS

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If you too are sick
of living at someone else's pace

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and of the go-getter attitude,

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take a break and watch this show.

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It's okay to give up once in a while.

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Although, you know what?
What we do isn't worth a damn.

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Tomorrow will be worse.

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[upbeat music playing]

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[audience clapping, cheering]

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[clapping, cheering continues]

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Good evening.

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[cheering]

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Well, thank you!

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Hello there. Thank you very much.

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Thank you so much

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for that lovely round of applause,
so moving, spontaneous,

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and wholeheartedly.

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My name is Ricardo Quevedo

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or, as you currently know me,
Liss' husband, no?

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[audience laughing]

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They call me that too. [chuckles]

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In public they say, "He's Liss'
husband, Alejandro Quevedo."

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Anyhow…

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[chuckles]

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It's great you could all make it.

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It's also great you're here to watch
your very own nook of comedy, huh?

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For you to laugh,
despite the circumstances.

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Despite the current
circumstances we live in

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and have lived in for so long now,

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which are really
testing our patience, right?

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We must be patient

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because we're always about to lose it,

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about to send it all to hell.

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Um…

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Let's say it's complicated,
but it's what we've got.

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From going out, facing traffic.
We go happily.

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But as soon as you're on a vehicle,
you get on the defensive

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as per the assumption
that everyone is stupid, except you.

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That no one knows how to coexist,
except for you.

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You do. Everyone's stupid, except you.

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So, motorcyclists
get motorists pissed, right?

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"Why won't these jerks move?
They're glued to the middle of the lane."

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Right? You drive a car,
you'll be cursing bikes.

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"These jerks pass by so close to the cars.
I hope it rains on them hard."

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Motorists get motorcyclists pissed.

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"Is it so hard for these bastards
to let others pass? Glued to other cars."

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"You gotta zigzag, such a hazard!"

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"I got a bike to cut times,
not be stuck in cars jams."

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"I'll chip that dude's rearview mirror".

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[audience laughing]

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Cyclists are terrified.

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"Hope no one honks, or I'll fall and die."
[grunts]

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"Hope no one pulls a knife at me
to steal my bike."

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"Please help me, God."

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Scared shitless.

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Rappi guys going in the opposite direction
like, "See you in hell."

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[audience laughs]

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They don't give a shit.

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Those guys want us all dead either way.

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Anyway. [laughs]

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[clapping]

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So…

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[chuckles]

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Everywhere you look,
everyone's pissed off.

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We ought to learn
to be a little patient, right?

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We have to learn to be patient,
or we'll go insane.

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And well, always clenching
your butt cheeks, right?

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Someone driving a car, clenched.
On a bike, clenched.

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It says a lot about us Colombians, no?

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Clenching to the bitter end.

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That's our motto.
During soccer qualifying rounds, clenched.

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Before the last game,
"If Peru beats Venezuela, then we can…"

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Clenched to the very end.

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During elections too.

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Rooting for your candidate.
"I hope they win."

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They didn't, and we all ate shit, right?

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Ass clenched to the end.
Should be in our coat of arms.

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It makes us Colombians.

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Their "Law and order" shit
doesn't represent us.

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If the coat of arms said,
"Ass clenched to the end,"

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you'd say, "Yes," right?

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[chuckles] You'd say,
"That's my country. That's me." Right?

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But we get by, getting used
to this shit-show for so long,

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over two years. Before the pandemic,
we were already stuck in Colombia.

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If you remember,
before this whole COVID thing,

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we were already sheltered in our homes

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due to demonstrations, protests.

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We were terrified.

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That one night,
thieves were supposedly breaking into

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all the country's gated communities.

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At once!

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Remember that stuff?
I haven't managed to top that.

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I truly can't top that.

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Like a WhatsApp texts chain
started by someone's aunt.

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I'm sure of it. Someone's aunt.

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"Thieves are breaking into our community."

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Everyone shares it,

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and every gated community
assumes it's them.

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So, neighbors roll up
to their gates with sticks

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to defend their community's honor.

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[audience laughing]

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Nobody ever came.

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"They didn't break in
because we're united."

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No thieves broke
into any community but still.

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My wife said, "Go to the gate too.
They'll think we have no solidarity."

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"They'll pull a face on the elevator."

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I said, "What for?
I'm sleepy, and I'm no fighter."

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[audience laughing]

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I'd break the broom to get a stick.

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If there's no break-in,
I gotta buy a new one like an idiot? No!

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If there are, I can't fight.
They'll take it from me and hit me.

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Would you like to take me to the ER
at 3:00 a.m. with a stick up my ass?

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Not a good plan, huh?

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Then let's just make them coffee, okay?

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I roll up with coffee.

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"Coffee for you, neighbors." [laughs]

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"Happy hunting, have a good one."

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I fucked off, went to bed.

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I never slept better than that night.

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If there was an uneventful night,
it was that one.

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With 40 guys watching the place.

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[audience laughing]

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Only the security guard
had a sleepless night. Ruined.

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It must've been crowded there.

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"When will these jerks head back?"

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But we somehow keep going, huh?

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They hit us with such lies
we can't get used to them.

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Anyway.

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-[clapping]
-[chuckles]

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[chuckles]

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The first few months were hard.
Being locked up, uncertain…

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They'd send their least favorite
family member to the market.

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To buy supplies. [chuckles]

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That family member
did not attend gatherings.

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[audience laughing]

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They'd say, "Send him.
We can't send mom, can we?"

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Telling him, "You're stronger. Go on."

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"You never get sick." And they head out.

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The first thing to go was toilet paper.

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As always in this country, right?
I don't know why

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must toilet paper be the first to go
when in crisis?

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I don't get the fear
behind not being able to wipe your ass.

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Shouldn't food run out first?

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It is what shit is made of.

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You got 30 rolls of paper,
"Now what?" [laughs]

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"I don't want to poop.
I should've bought a banana."

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Risking your life at the market
and being humiliated on top of it?

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They didn't let you inside easily.

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Anyone else? You come with your bags and,
"Hey! Stay there!"

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"Get sanitizer." [imitates spraying]

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They douse you in it.

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Like, "What going on?" Eyes soaked in it.

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"Take your clothes off there.
You got the virus."

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Standing there buck naked at the gate.
"What's wrong?"

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"Go shower, no touching."

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You head off like, "Where is it?"
Blinded by the sanitizer.

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And your clothes. "Pick them up."
"No, you. It's infected."

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"That shit's infected.
Quick, to the washing machine!"

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"Leave it, let the virus die."

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"I have it on my hand!" "I touched them!"

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"Quick, wash your hands!"

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"Nobody goes in there now.
Let the virus die off."

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"Leave the bathroom
closed for a month. Let it die."

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We didn't know the virus

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and did all these absurd,
useless things, not knowing any better.

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People went shopping
covered in trash bags.

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[audience laughing]

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So as to not get infected.

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Wearing shoes soaked in sanitizer.

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Those awful, damp rugs
they'd put everywhere.

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Some cars' wheels
were sprayed with sanitizer.

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Then news broke out, "That's useless."
They went, "Oh."

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[audience laughing]

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"Should've said so sooner,
I bought so much sanitizer."

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Some don't believe in vaccines.

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They say, "No vaccine for me
because they put a chip in your arm."

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"And it disrupts satellite signals.
That's why social media's down."

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"Because Facebook's owner
is spying on us all."

192
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Imagine Facebook's owner spying on you.

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[audience laughing]

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[chuckles]

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"I'm bored to death. Go."

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[audience laughing]

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"He hopped on the train.
What's he up to now?"

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"Let's hope…"

199
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Right, Christ almighty.
But we are spied on.

200
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Ever discuss any topic with friends
or family and get a shitty ad about it?

201
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One says, "Dear God, what's going on?"

202
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So, we're always scared shitless.

203
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Some people get selective
in choosing vaccines.

204
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So, they say…

205
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Having eaten leftovers all their lives.

206
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Yet get very selective.
Saying, "I only get Pfizer."

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They choose.

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"I'd only get Pfizer.
The others aren't tested."

209
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"I'm not sure. My body is my temple."

210
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"I can't just put anything in it."

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Night rolls in,
they're eating pussy. So it goes.

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So it goes.

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It is what it is. Anyway.

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[audience clapping]

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[chuckles]

216
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Well then.

217
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With all due respect.

218
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Maybe someone got offended.

219
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Saying, "My God!"

220
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,611
[audience laughing]

221
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"I'm watching this with my mom."

222
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,368
"And this vulgar guy's talking
about these indecent acts."

223
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,453
[chuckles]

224
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,413
People fuck however they please.

225
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,999
Right? [chuckles]

226
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"My God!"

227
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"I don't fuck. I make love.
This is disrespectful." [chuckles]

228
00:10:31,422 --> 00:10:34,550
People who gasp
at the word "fuck", suck at it.

229
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Let's drop it.

230
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Don't let me get distracted,
or I'll start rambling.

231
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We grew tired of it all rather quickly.

232
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It was hard at first,
getting used to all that.

233
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:48,105
It required a lot of patience too.

234
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:51,317
With your partner, even more so, right?

235
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,319
Because quarantining was tricky.

236
00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:56,155
We get annoyed by our partner,
which is normal.

237
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Right?

238
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[chuckles]

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Couples watching this are like,
"What's this oaf talking about?"

240
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:05,081
"No way. I love you, darling."

241
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:05,998
[chuckles]

242
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:07,917
But, deep inside, they know it.

243
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They wouldn't be your partner
if they didn't annoy you.

244
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:15,091
Of course,
love is much greater than annoyance.

245
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That's why you keep going.

246
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,970
But the annoyance
is giving you hell every day.

247
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Growing, little by little.

248
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,100
Right? [chuckles]

249
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,894
Things that upset one other
are left unspoken.

250
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:29,355
But the anger builds up, and we're like…

251
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,608
The shit builds up.

252
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:36,946
And you imagine ending it
and all the shit following a break-up.

253
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:38,280
That's normal.

254
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:39,573
But love's powerful.

255
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:42,159
It's complex,
and one must be very patient.

256
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:46,789
The annoyance is manageable as you both
got things to do, daily activities.

257
00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:50,042
So, you go to work,
interact with other people,

258
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,502
share other spaces.

259
00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:54,797
But in those first months of quarantine,
we couldn't.

260
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,257
The fights escalated.

261
00:11:56,340 --> 00:12:01,387
Over nothing. Over every little thing.
We couldn't look at each other.

262
00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,723
"Pardon?" "Nothing, I said nothing!"

263
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:06,392
Ready to break into a fight at any moment.

264
00:12:06,475 --> 00:12:08,519
We ran fresh out of patience.

265
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,396
Couples know what I mean.

266
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:13,607
Those with a partner,
raise your hand. If any…

267
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,943
Almost everyone here is a couple!

268
00:12:16,026 --> 00:12:17,486
Amazing. I'm so happy.

269
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,448
Those at home raise your hand too.
Don't feel lonely.

270
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:22,199
It's like… [chuckles]

271
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,160
A man watching this alone goes…

272
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:25,745
[audience laughing]

273
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:27,538
Do it, just as well.

274
00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:30,249
Those who are single now,
raise your hands.

275
00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:32,585
A few singles. Very well.

276
00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:36,255
Thank you. Well,
I hope things get better for you soon.

277
00:12:36,338 --> 00:12:39,049
Kidding! I'm just pulling your leg.

278
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:42,511
Single folks, I'll tell you
something you don't know yet.

279
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:46,056
On behalf of all married people.
They'd all agree with me.

280
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,768
To single folks,
you don't know you're happy.

281
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:50,478
[audience laughing]

282
00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:55,149
You think you're not, but you are.
You simply don't know it.

283
00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:57,860
Enjoy it. Seize the moment.

284
00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:01,864
In the words of Diomedes Díaz, "Go fuck!"
Do it while you can.

285
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:03,824
Enjoy doing it, okay?

286
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:07,077
You'll regret
not having seized the moment.

287
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,746
Right? [chuckles]

288
00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:11,624
Take advantage.

289
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:13,042
Right?

290
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:17,463
Some have partners, some don't.
Those who didn't raise their hand…

291
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,715
[audience laughing]

292
00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:22,510
[chuckles] We got idiots out there.

293
00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:23,594
[audience laughing]

294
00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:25,262
They're out there, see?

295
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:29,558
"I'm seeing someone, but I'm not sure
it's serious. Should I raise it?"

296
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,813
Others, don't know what's going on.
"Is Suso on tonight at all?"

297
00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:35,231
[audience laughing]

298
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:36,899
[chuckles]

299
00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:40,569
It's also possible
some people don't give a shit.

300
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,447
Raise your hand if you don't give a shit.

301
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,658
Thank you, friend. So kind.

302
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:49,620
There are some… That's fine.
It's all fine in here. All good.

303
00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:53,457
Raise your hand if you think,
"The show of hands is unnecessary."

304
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:57,795
"The show could've continued
without it, and it would've been fine."

305
00:13:57,878 --> 00:13:59,338
Okay, we got a few.

306
00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:00,923
Thanks for the feedback.

307
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,550
I welcome the feedback.

308
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,970
Raise your hand
if you think it was relevant.

309
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,181
It was.
"I fucked up by not raising my hand."

310
00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:11,767
"I apologize for my shitty behavior."

311
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:15,479
"Moreover, I'll take part
in future prompts since I fucked up."

312
00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:18,607
Thank you, my friend. How kind.

313
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,943
Some people own their mistakes. Thanks.

314
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:24,822
Raise your hand if you think,
"He's done too many of these."

315
00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:27,408
"Please move on. Got an expensive ticket

316
00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:31,912
to see this asshole, and…"
A majority! Thank you.

317
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,206
Some still haven't raised their hand.

318
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,916
[laughing]

319
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:37,710
[chuckles]

320
00:14:38,627 --> 00:14:41,922
Maybe it's insensitive.
Those with one hand can whistle.

321
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:43,215
[laughing]

322
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,719
No one? We're good.

323
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:49,763
Or maybe they're pissed.
That's always possible.

324
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:53,017
[chuckles] With all due respect.

325
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:56,520
Then they'll record that bit
and put me on social media.

326
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:57,855
[audience clapping]

327
00:14:57,938 --> 00:14:59,189
[chuckles]

328
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:00,107
Thank you.

329
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:02,067
Ah.

330
00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:07,031
Did you know divorces went up
during the pandemic?

331
00:15:07,114 --> 00:15:08,741
And break-ups too.

332
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:12,453
If you're still together
after all the shit-show, be grateful.

333
00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,371
They're patient around you.

334
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:18,459
And if things ended during the pandemic,
they can go to hell.

335
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:21,086
What's not right for you, just toss it.

336
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,546
Move on, dammit.

337
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:23,464
It's fine.

338
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:26,091
All couples in the world
had this argument,

339
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:27,259
at least once.

340
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:31,931
After dumb questions like, where do you
want to go? What do you want to eat?

341
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:35,267
Indecision on both ends
generally ends in arguments.

342
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:38,479
No one wants to be responsible
if things go wrong.

343
00:15:38,562 --> 00:15:40,731
They did once, they gave them hell,

344
00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:43,484
and they said, "I'll never decide again."

345
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:44,526
[chuckles]

346
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,362
"You choose." "It's your choice".

347
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:47,947
"I'm good, you?" "I'm good."

348
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:50,658
They're both hungry and end up pissed off.

349
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:55,079
And neither of them decides.
To those ladies who don't know it,

350
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:59,124
as a man, before asking you
what you want to do or eat,

351
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,709
you prepare,

352
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,295
you have to convince yourself.

353
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:04,463
Talk to yourself.

354
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,507
We talk to ourselves.

355
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:09,301
We get filled with positivism
and good vibes.

356
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:13,597
We say, "I will not fight today.
I am not fighting today."

357
00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:15,182
"I'll be patient."

358
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:19,603
"I'll ask her where she wants to go,
and that's it."

359
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:21,271
"Forget about me."

360
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,857
"It's irrelevant.
I'm in the mood for meat."

361
00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:26,902
"If she picks a shitty salad place
that she likes."

362
00:16:28,195 --> 00:16:29,989
"Then I'm fucked."

363
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:31,907
"I'll eat bread."

364
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,786
"I'll eat bread, or fill up on water
until my stomach bursts."

365
00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:40,040
"Or if I go for the homeless diet,
I'll sleep until I forget I'm hungry."

366
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,251
"Tomorrow I'll eat a good breakfast."

367
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:46,088
"No arguing. Even if she wants to.
It's a good day, be patient."

368
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:50,092
"No arguing even if she wants to.
If she wants pasta, I don't get it."

369
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,928
"She always wants
that pasta with cheese sauce!"

370
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:57,391
"I'm lactose intolerant. I get gassy.
I won't get lucky tonight. I'm fucked."

371
00:16:57,474 --> 00:17:00,436
"I'm fucked.
I'll be farting up a storm until 3 a.m."

372
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:02,980
"That pasta fucked up my night."

373
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:06,358
"I'll eat bread."

374
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:07,818
[laughing]

375
00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:08,986
"No arguing."

376
00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:12,114
And so, you show up in good spirits.

377
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,452
"My love, what do you want?
Where do we eat?"

378
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:17,995
She says, "Not sure, you?"

379
00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:20,956
Because she went
through the exact same process.

380
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,168
She had the same inner monologue
before you got there.

381
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:28,964
Saying, "He always asks what I want
and never fucking likes what I pick."

382
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,674
"So, why even ask me?"

383
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:35,179
"Let him choose. He wants to eat meat.
Meat, every goddamn day."

384
00:17:35,262 --> 00:17:38,140
"It slows his digestion.
He won't shit for three days."

385
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:41,268
"Whining, 'I'm bloated,
must've been the lettuce.'"

386
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:44,104
"The lettuce?
That meat you eat every day!"

387
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:47,608
"I give him papayas
to see if it helps him pass it."

388
00:17:47,691 --> 00:17:49,568
"No way. Let him choose."

389
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:53,197
"I'm intermittent fasting.
There are salads everywhere. Who cares."

390
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:55,574
"What do you want?" [chuckles]

391
00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:58,744
"I'm doing this for you, dear."

392
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:02,790
"Why don't you pick something you want?"

393
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,834
[chuckles]
"We're not fighting over this, right?"

394
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,169
[audience laughing]

395
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,421
"Let's not fight over this."

396
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,340
"There's time for…" [chuckles]

397
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:16,011
"Pick something. Let's play a game.
We eat the first thing you think of."

398
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,348
"What do you want? Go!"
"Let me think. Pasta."

399
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:20,557
[audience laughing]

400
00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:23,393
[chuckles]

401
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,438
"Yikes."

402
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,065
"Pasta?"

403
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,316
[audience laughing]

404
00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:30,609
[chuckles]

405
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:33,529
"I just have to go
and make up these shitty games."

406
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:34,530
[laughing]

407
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:37,908
"Of all things, huh? Pasta?"

408
00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:41,745
"All right, let's eat pasta. Yummy."

409
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:45,207
You can't wage that war.
"Fine, let's eat pasta."

410
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,543
"Let me get Alka-Seltzer or something."

411
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:50,754
Saying, "Let's drop it.
I don't want pasta but fine."

412
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:52,131
So far so good.

413
00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:54,925
The problem is women are proactive.

414
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:57,344
So on the way to the pasta place,

415
00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:59,805
they'll offer a variety of options

416
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:01,723
that are not pasta

417
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,183
just in case.

418
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:04,935
[audience laughing]

419
00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:07,020
We already said pasta, dammit.

420
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:08,272
[audience laughing]

421
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:09,565
But no. [chuckles]

422
00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:13,068
She stops the car on the way there
and says,

423
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,530
"They sell these yummy arepas
around the corner, babe."

424
00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:20,117
"To die for. Any topping you like.
Shredded chicken, meat,

425
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:24,413
any sauce you like with avocado.
Unbelievably good. Around the corner."

426
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:28,417
I say, "But darling, do you want
the arepas or the pasta?"

427
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,086
"It was just in case we wanted."

428
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,254
[audience laughing]

429
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:35,632
"We wanted the pasta. Let's get pasta."

430
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,969
Once there, "They sell some
sandwiches around the corner."

431
00:19:39,052 --> 00:19:42,014
"They're to die for, dear.
With meatballs, special sauce."

432
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:44,224
"Anything on bread toast.
Just over there."

433
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:50,480
"But, dear, do you want pasta,
sandwiches, or arepas?"

434
00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:53,317
"What would you like?"
"I don't know, you?"

435
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,776
[audience laughing]

436
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,279
"I want fucking anything."

437
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:58,697
[audience laughing]

438
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,157
[chuckles]

439
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:04,036
"I want joy for a single day
of my fucking life, is that doable?"

440
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,287
[chuckles]

441
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,330
"Don't be rude."

442
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:09,875
"I'm trying to have a nice
goddamn gesture for you, dear."

443
00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,501
"Why the indecisiveness?"

444
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,962
"Arepas, sandwiches, pasta. Which is it?"

445
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,506
"We said pasta. I didn't even want pasta."

446
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,427
"What the hell do you want to eat?
Make up your mind."

447
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:22,012
"I don't want shit anymore."

448
00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:23,305
[audience laughing]

449
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:27,184
"I want to go home.
Your rudeness made me lose my appetite."

450
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:29,269
[audience laughing, clapping]

451
00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:38,237
Both go home all pissed off.

452
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,322
It's a long commute, huh?

453
00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:43,367
Because you're both silent,
running red lights,

454
00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:46,995
so mad that you're no longer
hungry. You're pissed off.

455
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:51,083
No one speaks because any noise
could be a sign of aggression.

456
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:55,712
That makes it worse. You can't
clear your throat without a fight.

457
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,632
Like… [clears throat]
"Oh, say it to my fucking face!"

458
00:20:58,715 --> 00:21:00,342
[audience laughing]

459
00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:02,261
Better stay quiet, my man.

460
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,680
Any little thing can start a fight.

461
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,598
How do you end that argument?

462
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:10,227
One of them apologizes, right?
Whoever made things worse.

463
00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:13,146
In this case, the man,
he lashed out and cussed.

464
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:14,314
One apologizes.

465
00:21:14,398 --> 00:21:18,610
A tip. If apologizing to someone,
do it when the anger leaves your body.

466
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:23,115
Because if one is still upset,
that just ends in another argument.

467
00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:26,034
We're fools.
Apologies get loaded with thorns.

468
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:29,579
We drop irony, a hint,
just to fuck with each other.

469
00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:31,707
Yet they notice and get pissed.

470
00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:35,294
So one gets all sardonic.
"Honey, I'm sorry. I apologize."

471
00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:37,212
"It's my fault like always."

472
00:21:37,713 --> 00:21:38,922
[audience laughing]

473
00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:40,257
[chuckles]

474
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:42,009
"My fault like always because

475
00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:45,095
you're perfect, flawless,
you make no mistakes."

476
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:48,098
"And I'm an oaf that always fucks up."

477
00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:51,059
"From the moment he wakes up,
the oaf screws up."

478
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,770
"All right. Apologies, Your Majesty."

479
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:55,522
[audience laughing]

480
00:21:56,189 --> 00:22:02,029
"Because I can own up to my mistakes,
unlike certain people of royalty."

481
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:03,113
"Hmm?"

482
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:07,743
"Okay, next time we'll eat
arepas, sandwiches, and pasta."

483
00:22:07,826 --> 00:22:08,785
"All at once."

484
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:11,371
"Let's go on a food tour
for Your Majesty."

485
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:13,749
"Sound good?" [chuckles]

486
00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:17,419
"Why do you talk to me like I'm dumb?"
They continue arguing.

487
00:22:17,502 --> 00:22:20,547
First off, a solution for the gents.
It's easy.

488
00:22:20,630 --> 00:22:24,468
Each time you propose
what to do or where to go,

489
00:22:24,551 --> 00:22:26,178
repeat these four steps.

490
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,848
Remember that.
Four steps that are always the same.

491
00:22:29,931 --> 00:22:33,018
First, ask what they want to do.
Second, get angry.

492
00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:35,103
Third, apologize.

493
00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:37,314
Fourth, go to bed hungry and pissed.

494
00:22:37,397 --> 00:22:38,231
Okay?

495
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:39,483
[audience laughing]

496
00:22:39,566 --> 00:22:41,276
Reverse each step's order.

497
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:44,613
Rehearse it in a different order,
tell me how it goes.

498
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:47,574
Next time you're down to do something,

499
00:22:47,657 --> 00:22:49,409
first off, get pissed off,

500
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:52,454
apologize, get the hell out
and go get food. Okay?

501
00:22:52,996 --> 00:22:54,831
Practice that and let me know.

502
00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:57,250
When she asks where to go,
or what you want,

503
00:22:57,334 --> 00:22:59,002
get suddenly pissed, dude.

504
00:22:59,086 --> 00:23:00,587
But for no reason at all.

505
00:23:01,129 --> 00:23:04,591
Just overdo it.
"I don't want to eat shit!" And storm out.

506
00:23:04,674 --> 00:23:05,884
She'll be, like…

507
00:23:05,967 --> 00:23:08,470
It has to be an unexpected,
explosive reaction.

508
00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:09,971
For no reason.

509
00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:13,308
"I don't want to eat shit,
shut up about food." Leave.

510
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,560
She'll be shocked. You're not that rude.

511
00:23:16,478 --> 00:23:18,480
"What did I say? What's with him?"

512
00:23:19,022 --> 00:23:19,981
[laughing]

513
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:21,733
You must get back quick too.

514
00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:26,238
If you give her time to think,
she'll get pissed, and it's over.

515
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:29,366
This is very perilous, okay?

516
00:23:29,449 --> 00:23:31,451
It's important to do it quickly.

517
00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:34,371
"I won't eat shit."
Walk out for five seconds.

518
00:23:34,454 --> 00:23:37,457
If she gets pissed,
go back and apologize quick.

519
00:23:37,541 --> 00:23:39,543
Two easy steps in 30 seconds.

520
00:23:40,043 --> 00:23:43,922
"I don't want to eat shit."
Then count one, two, three, four, five.

521
00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:47,092
Go back and apologize.
"What just happened? Did I…?"

522
00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:50,178
[laughing]

523
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:53,348
"Lapse of judgment. Forgive me, my love."

524
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:55,517
"No, no, no, no, you don't deserve that."

525
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:56,518
Overdo it.

526
00:23:56,601 --> 00:24:00,105
"You don't deserve this, dear.
You're my boo. I love you. No, no."

527
00:24:00,188 --> 00:24:03,275
"Shit, I screwed up, sorry.
I spat on what we have."

528
00:24:03,358 --> 00:24:05,986
"Dear God, on everything we hold sacred."

529
00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:07,404
"Forgive me, babe."

530
00:24:07,487 --> 00:24:08,321
[grunts]

531
00:24:08,905 --> 00:24:11,533
"Stress from bills and work
got into my head."

532
00:24:11,616 --> 00:24:14,453
"And I took it out on you.
Sorry. Know that I love you."

533
00:24:14,536 --> 00:24:18,457
"You're my boo.
Can you find forgiveness in your heart

534
00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:21,918
for this undeserving, despicable man?"

535
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:23,879
She'll be like…

536
00:24:26,256 --> 00:24:27,090
"Okay."

537
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:31,470
Now that she's confused,
tell her what you want to eat.

538
00:24:31,553 --> 00:24:32,762
"Should we go eat meat?"

539
00:24:32,846 --> 00:24:34,014
[audience laughing]

540
00:24:35,348 --> 00:24:36,475
She'll be like…

541
00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:38,393
"What?"

542
00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:40,770
[chuckles] Right there.

543
00:24:43,815 --> 00:24:46,526
She won't say shit on the way there,
guaranteed.

544
00:24:46,610 --> 00:24:48,236
She'll think, "Poor thing."

545
00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:54,784
"He's under very high levels of stress.
I hope he likes the meat. He earned it."

546
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:55,911
[audience laughing]

547
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:58,079
Piece of cake, man.

548
00:24:58,163 --> 00:25:01,124
Just get creative.
The trick is to get creative.

549
00:25:01,958 --> 00:25:02,792
Okay?

550
00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:04,586
[chuckles]

551
00:25:07,547 --> 00:25:09,883
For women, it's way simpler.

552
00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:13,720
I'll let you in on a well-kept secret.
We never wake up happily.

553
00:25:13,803 --> 00:25:16,139
Guys watching this know what I mean.

554
00:25:16,223 --> 00:25:20,727
We never say, "What a beautiful day.
I'll give it my all." No.

555
00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:23,438
One always wakes up kind of worried,

556
00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:27,442
with a gut-wrenching feeling
that something's wrong or overlooked,

557
00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:30,153
that you screwed up
an unknown thing. Hmm?

558
00:25:30,237 --> 00:25:34,449
All women have to do is simple,
come up with a problem. Anything.

559
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:39,120
They'll think it's their fault,
and believe it even if there's no problem.

560
00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:42,791
All you need to do is imply
there's a solution to this issue.

561
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:45,627
Make it seem like it's their idea.

562
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:47,671
That it's their idea. That's it.

563
00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:49,714
Look at him warily, from afar…

564
00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:52,676
[audience laughing]

565
00:25:54,261 --> 00:25:57,514
Just like that, he goes crazy.
"I screwed up. What now?"

566
00:25:57,597 --> 00:25:59,432
"I'm such an ass, dude. See?"

567
00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:01,893
"One screw up after another."

568
00:26:03,144 --> 00:26:06,022
They'll wonder,
"But I just woke up. What…?"

569
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:08,858
"What could I have done?"

570
00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:10,402
"In my sleep? No."

571
00:26:10,485 --> 00:26:12,862
Then you ask,
"What's up, everything okay?"

572
00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:16,032
All you have to do now
is make up a name. Any name.

573
00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:19,119
Any will do for the intended purpose.

574
00:26:19,202 --> 00:26:20,704
"Who is Catalina?"

575
00:26:20,787 --> 00:26:23,164
You may not know a Catalina.

576
00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:26,334
Still, you'll feel like you,
somehow, fucked up with Catalina.

577
00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:28,211
Like they're pointing fingers at you.

578
00:26:28,295 --> 00:26:30,380
Caught, despite not knowing her.

579
00:26:30,463 --> 00:26:32,632
"Shit, I screwed up. Again."

580
00:26:33,174 --> 00:26:36,553
"I'm such a wuss, man.
Fuck's sake. Always messing up."

581
00:26:36,636 --> 00:26:40,515
"Why did I mess with that girl?
But Catalina doesn't ring a bell."

582
00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:44,227
"Do you remember?
No, we've been behaving. I don't…"

583
00:26:44,311 --> 00:26:47,939
"Catalina, no… but if she says so,
I did mess up. I'm an ass."

584
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:50,942
"I don't know, babe. Why?" Keep it going.

585
00:26:51,026 --> 00:26:52,360
"You know why."

586
00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:54,070
[audience laughing]

587
00:26:54,154 --> 00:26:56,740
You're like, "I do know.
How dumb of me to ask."

588
00:26:57,449 --> 00:27:01,369
"Oh God!" And just as he's about
to pass out from concern,

589
00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:05,206
drop a hint, "I'm hungry."
And like that, he's on the case.

590
00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:08,627
"Want to get pasta? You love pasta."

591
00:27:08,710 --> 00:27:12,297
"On me. Let's get some arepas
on the way home for later."

592
00:27:12,797 --> 00:27:16,092
The name of the game is patience.
We're all different.

593
00:27:16,176 --> 00:27:20,096
There's usually someone messier
in a relationship.

594
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:22,599
Raise your hand if you're messy.

595
00:27:22,682 --> 00:27:24,476
They get me.

596
00:27:24,559 --> 00:27:26,728
I'm the messy one in my relationship.

597
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:30,357
Apologies on behalf of us
to those who are all tidy.

598
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:34,110
We know it's hell
to live with someone who is messy.

599
00:27:34,194 --> 00:27:37,530
We apologize, okay?
It's our fault. As usual.

600
00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:39,282
[audience laughing]

601
00:27:39,366 --> 00:27:40,867
[chuckles]

602
00:27:40,950 --> 00:27:43,036
But watch out.

603
00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:47,165
Nothing pisses of messy people
like having our mess sorted out.

604
00:27:47,957 --> 00:27:51,586
Don't you dare attempt it,
or you'll have a problem.

605
00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:54,506
It may seem messy at first,

606
00:27:54,589 --> 00:27:58,885
but one knows where everything is.
If their mess is disrupted, they're lost.

607
00:27:58,968 --> 00:28:00,553
They get upset, riled up.

608
00:28:00,637 --> 00:28:02,472
They play devil's advocate.

609
00:28:02,555 --> 00:28:05,475
They may have a spoon
with arequipe under the bed.

610
00:28:05,558 --> 00:28:07,894
We can agree that shit's disgusting.

611
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:10,522
But if you come in
and pick up their spoon,

612
00:28:10,605 --> 00:28:13,316
they'll think something's wrong
with the room.

613
00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:16,069
"Where's my arequipe spoon?"

614
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:20,448
"My arequipe spoon is not under the bed.
Now I can't eat it."

615
00:28:20,532 --> 00:28:23,118
"Why can't I find
the spoon I like for it?"

616
00:28:23,201 --> 00:28:25,954
They exaggerate.
Try to justify what's unjustifiable.

617
00:28:26,037 --> 00:28:27,956
"I took it. It was riddled with ants."

618
00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:29,708
"They're my friends, okay?"

619
00:28:29,791 --> 00:28:33,253
"They eat arequipe with me.
Why don't you people ask me?"

620
00:28:34,045 --> 00:28:38,007
Be patient, they're exaggerating.
We all have favorite clothes, no?

621
00:28:38,508 --> 00:28:41,511
Generally for women,
it's a blouse, a nice outfit,

622
00:28:41,594 --> 00:28:46,015
some pants, those clothes
you wear that make you feel confident.

623
00:28:46,099 --> 00:28:48,643
Those you wear on special occasions.

624
00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:51,980
It's easier for men. A t-shirt.
"This t-shirt's perfect."

625
00:28:52,063 --> 00:28:54,232
"Perfect for a special occasion."

626
00:28:54,315 --> 00:28:57,193
They want to wear it
to any special occasion.

627
00:28:57,277 --> 00:28:59,779
You go get your, let's say, striped shirt.

628
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:04,701
You go to your closet
to look for your striped shirt,

629
00:29:04,784 --> 00:29:05,785
and it's missing.

630
00:29:06,369 --> 00:29:07,537
You lose your shit.

631
00:29:08,288 --> 00:29:10,623
Couples know what I'm talking about.

632
00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:16,296
Your first instinct isn't thinking,
"Where's my shirt? What did I do to it?"

633
00:29:16,379 --> 00:29:20,175
"Did I wear it lately?"
No. First, you'll think someone took it.

634
00:29:21,176 --> 00:29:25,096
"They always take my stuff without asking
and move it elsewhere."

635
00:29:25,180 --> 00:29:28,516
Just like that, filled with rage,
they ask their partner.

636
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,185
"Where's my striped shirt?"

637
00:29:30,685 --> 00:29:33,855
She only makes it worse saying,
"Where you left it."

638
00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:35,356
[audience laughing]

639
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,735
That's a shitty answer.
Would it kill you to help out?

640
00:29:38,818 --> 00:29:42,238
Say, "I don't know, hon. There's two…"
"Where you left it."

641
00:29:42,322 --> 00:29:44,532
Like saying, "Looking for trouble?"

642
00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:45,909
[audience laughing]

643
00:29:45,992 --> 00:29:48,953
They tone it down,
"It's not where I left it, babe."

644
00:29:49,037 --> 00:29:50,872
"Or I wouldn't be asking you."

645
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:53,792
"Did you check the hamper?"
"It wasn't there."

646
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,836
Then, "How can I go check
without her noticing?"

647
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:57,754
[laughing]

648
00:29:57,837 --> 00:30:02,133
He's already stirring up shit
without having checked first.

649
00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:04,010
He plays dumb, starts looking.

650
00:30:04,093 --> 00:30:07,138
"They always lose my stuff,
always moving it."

651
00:30:07,222 --> 00:30:11,059
"I can't have nice things.
They always get lost. I looked twice."

652
00:30:11,851 --> 00:30:13,436
"It's not there."

653
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,022
"Well, with your pig pen everywhere…"

654
00:30:16,105 --> 00:30:19,025
"Did you look under the bed
next to your arequipe spoon?"

655
00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:19,984
"Maybe there."

656
00:30:20,068 --> 00:30:21,528
They're sardonic, dude.

657
00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:24,280
"My pig pen doesn't affect you, does it?"

658
00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:25,448
Another argument.

659
00:30:25,532 --> 00:30:28,827
Again, whoever ends the conflict quickly
just moves on.

660
00:30:28,910 --> 00:30:32,205
Whoever didn't throw a tantrum
ends alone in their room.

661
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:34,165
You argue, exaggerate.

662
00:30:34,249 --> 00:30:37,252
You fill up your mind
with horrible thoughts.

663
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:40,922
You argue with yourself. "But I don't…"

664
00:30:41,422 --> 00:30:42,632
"No, no way."

665
00:30:42,715 --> 00:30:43,550
"I'd never…'

666
00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:45,301
"I just…"

667
00:30:46,386 --> 00:30:47,929
"I just don't get

668
00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:51,724
what's so fucking hard

669
00:30:52,892 --> 00:30:55,645
about respecting others' belongings."

670
00:30:57,188 --> 00:31:00,400
"It's a basic principle, man."

671
00:31:01,067 --> 00:31:03,027
"This isn't mine. Best leave it."

672
00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:06,030
"There. Easy."

673
00:31:06,114 --> 00:31:07,866
"Not mine. I'll leave it."

674
00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:11,870
"It's a simple matter of respect, man."

675
00:31:12,620 --> 00:31:16,040
"This is mine, I take it,
I wear it, wipe my ass with it."

676
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:19,711
"It's mine!
I can do whatever I want with it."

677
00:31:19,794 --> 00:31:21,379
"Not mine. I'll leave it."

678
00:31:22,171 --> 00:31:23,715
"It's easy."

679
00:31:24,215 --> 00:31:26,926
"But my things always go missing
in this house,

680
00:31:27,010 --> 00:31:29,470
because here, I'm not worth a damn."

681
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:33,558
"Not worth a damn. If I went missing,
they'd sooner find the shirt."

682
00:31:34,559 --> 00:31:39,272
"Her stuff is over there, ironed,
sorted by color, smelling great."

683
00:31:39,355 --> 00:31:40,732
"But my stuff, missing."

684
00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:44,110
"Now she doesn't even remember the shirt.
Not a clue."

685
00:31:44,193 --> 00:31:46,279
"It's a figment of my imagination."

686
00:31:46,779 --> 00:31:49,407
"It never existed.
I wore it 500 times around her."

687
00:31:49,490 --> 00:31:52,327
"And still no clue.
I must've been buck naked."

688
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:55,496
"Out on the street, naked,
thinking I wore a shirt."

689
00:31:55,580 --> 00:31:59,083
Time can fly when you're pissed off,
fighting with yourself.

690
00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:03,004
You have to pay attention
to these things and be patient

691
00:32:03,087 --> 00:32:06,466
because relationships end
over petty nothing's and fights.

692
00:32:06,549 --> 00:32:08,927
I broke up years ago over such a thing.

693
00:32:09,010 --> 00:32:10,219
She stole my food.

694
00:32:11,095 --> 00:32:12,972
I don't like having my food stolen.

695
00:32:13,514 --> 00:32:16,726
Two kinds of people,
those who share, those who don't.

696
00:32:16,809 --> 00:32:18,019
I'm the latter.

697
00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:21,314
We're fucking crazy. I know. I get it.

698
00:32:21,397 --> 00:32:23,149
But we're not selfish.

699
00:32:23,232 --> 00:32:26,402
Because we ask,
"Do you want some extra food for you?"

700
00:32:27,278 --> 00:32:28,404
And they say no!

701
00:32:29,238 --> 00:32:31,449
But get hungry when they see you eat!

702
00:32:31,532 --> 00:32:32,825
[audience laughing]

703
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:36,955
If she takes one of my French fries,
it's fucking over.

704
00:32:37,038 --> 00:32:40,416
I know it seems extreme,
but those fries were…

705
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:43,086
not just any fries,
they were amazing fries,

706
00:32:43,169 --> 00:32:47,423
with cheddar cheese on top,
with paprika, tortillas, and bacon.

707
00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:48,341
Delicious.

708
00:32:48,424 --> 00:32:51,177
I said, "These fries are great,
want an order?"

709
00:32:51,260 --> 00:32:52,720
"No, just some water."

710
00:32:52,804 --> 00:32:55,932
"Perfect, you get water,
and I'll happily get fries."

711
00:32:56,015 --> 00:32:59,727
The food gets here, and she puts
one in her mouth. I was in shock!

712
00:32:59,811 --> 00:33:01,104
[audience laughing]

713
00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:02,939
"Did you just…? Why…?"

714
00:33:05,525 --> 00:33:07,777
"Hungry? Do I buy you some for you?"

715
00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:10,446
"I just wanted one."
"But those were mine."

716
00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:13,866
"I ordered these many fries.
Now I don't have them."

717
00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:15,702
"It won't fill me up."

718
00:33:16,202 --> 00:33:18,246
"Calm down, it's just one fry."

719
00:33:18,329 --> 00:33:20,873
"Yes, but you took the tastiest one."

720
00:33:20,957 --> 00:33:23,501
"The best one, with the most cheese."

721
00:33:23,584 --> 00:33:27,338
"The food arrived, and I said,
'I want to start with that one.'"

722
00:33:27,422 --> 00:33:31,175
"Now I don't know where to start.
You fucked me. I lost my appetite."

723
00:33:31,718 --> 00:33:34,762
"Don't be rude."
"I'm only rude for enabling a thief

724
00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:36,097
and not saying anything."

725
00:33:36,597 --> 00:33:39,058
Anger makes you say many stupid things.

726
00:33:39,142 --> 00:33:40,518
We have to be patient.

727
00:33:40,601 --> 00:33:43,813
Couples need to be patient.
With their families too.

728
00:33:43,896 --> 00:33:46,691
And with kids,
you need a lot of patience too.

729
00:33:46,774 --> 00:33:49,694
Raise your hand if you have kids.
Don't deny them.

730
00:33:49,777 --> 00:33:51,654
A few of you. All right.

731
00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:54,991
You need patience with your kids.
I got two of them.

732
00:33:55,074 --> 00:33:58,578
You know what changed
from our generation to theirs?

733
00:33:58,661 --> 00:34:01,330
We actually care about being good parents.

734
00:34:01,414 --> 00:34:03,207
Our parents never gave a shit.

735
00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:07,545
They were inattentive,
busy, had things to do.

736
00:34:07,628 --> 00:34:11,924
They lived under the principle of,
"Let him learn by himself." Hmm?

737
00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:14,427
To wash their hands clean and not worry.

738
00:34:14,510 --> 00:34:18,014
"You're going up there? Careful.
You fell? That'll teach you."

739
00:34:18,097 --> 00:34:19,432
[audience laughing]

740
00:34:19,515 --> 00:34:21,768
Broken limb with a cast for three months.

741
00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:25,229
Dad, telling the family,
"Look what this idiot did."

742
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:26,647
[audience laughing]

743
00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:30,985
We grew up the hard way, no?
Learning from our bruises.

744
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:33,488
Now parents overdo it. They say,

745
00:34:33,571 --> 00:34:36,199
"How can I talk to my kid and teach him?"

746
00:34:36,282 --> 00:34:39,535
The psychologist said
that they need an authority figure,

747
00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:42,163
but to also talk on their level,
no secrets,

748
00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:45,458
so he can trust me
and encourage trust between us.

749
00:34:45,541 --> 00:34:48,795
How do I teach him to multiply
without traumatizing him?

750
00:34:49,712 --> 00:34:50,797
[audience laughing]

751
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:54,258
We learned multiplication
out of fear, didn't we?

752
00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:58,721
We're still scared.
You ask someone, "What's six times eight?"

753
00:34:58,805 --> 00:35:00,556
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

754
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,017
The reflex is still there.

755
00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:04,018
"Forty-eight."

756
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,856
Let's go further back.
How did they teach our parents?

757
00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:11,692
Grandpa gets home from work tired,
dad doing homework.

758
00:35:11,776 --> 00:35:13,736
Grandpa says, "It's easy."

759
00:35:13,820 --> 00:35:16,155
"Two times four?" Bam! Belt on the table.

760
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:17,240
[laughing]

761
00:35:17,323 --> 00:35:18,157
No?

762
00:35:18,241 --> 00:35:21,202
Dad says, "Eight."
"So, I won't hit you this time."

763
00:35:22,036 --> 00:35:23,579
"On to the next one."

764
00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:24,497
Yes, perfect.

765
00:35:24,580 --> 00:35:27,959
They were methods. Not the best,
but methods of the time.

766
00:35:28,042 --> 00:35:29,585
Maybe we didn't get that,

767
00:35:29,669 --> 00:35:33,131
but for example, for me,
my dad destroyed our trust

768
00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:35,508
by comparing us to him. Right?

769
00:35:35,591 --> 00:35:38,136
Dads back then would compare us to them.

770
00:35:38,219 --> 00:35:41,973
Not very supportive, besides,
and always angry about something.

771
00:35:42,598 --> 00:35:45,893
They'd expect far too much from a kid.

772
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,104
Dad said, "You don't know multiplication?"

773
00:35:48,187 --> 00:35:49,856
"I could divide at your age."

774
00:35:51,023 --> 00:35:53,734
"You're just
a slower learner than others."

775
00:35:54,235 --> 00:35:57,738
"We need an X-ray to check
if everything's okay in that head."

776
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:58,823
"It's not normal."

777
00:35:58,906 --> 00:36:02,118
Fear starts creeping up on the kid,
"Shit, I have a tumor."

778
00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:05,913
"I may have a tumor,
that's why I can't learn well."

779
00:36:05,997 --> 00:36:09,083
"Nothing sticks during class,
and I'm always sleepy."

780
00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:10,376
"Yes, it's a tumor."

781
00:36:10,459 --> 00:36:13,171
[chuckles]
They'd argue with mom in front of you.

782
00:36:13,254 --> 00:36:15,631
"How come he can't multiply? At his age?"

783
00:36:15,715 --> 00:36:18,968
"How much is school again?
No more. It's a waste of money."

784
00:36:19,051 --> 00:36:21,053
"It's useless if I have to teach him."

785
00:36:21,137 --> 00:36:23,764
"Why go to school?
I'll happily teach him."

786
00:36:23,848 --> 00:36:26,225
"I'll teach you and keep an eye on you."

787
00:36:26,309 --> 00:36:29,645
"You'll be dividing and multiplying
in two weeks. Hmm?"

788
00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:33,816
"If I quit my job, we'll eat scraps.
I'm the only one who works."

789
00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:38,613
[chuckles] We as little kids, "Dear God,
I don't want to make us eat scraps."

790
00:36:38,696 --> 00:36:40,156
Burning it into their memory.

791
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:41,365
[clapping]

792
00:36:46,245 --> 00:36:48,372
"I don't want to make us eat scraps."

793
00:36:48,456 --> 00:36:51,125
"I must learn to multiply,
despite my tumor."

794
00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:53,002
So, you worked hard, right?

795
00:36:54,295 --> 00:36:58,007
Parents dumped info on you,
no explanation, to make sense of it.

796
00:36:58,090 --> 00:37:01,260
"How can you not multiply?
It's easy. Let's pick one."

797
00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:04,639
"Two times four? Two times four is eight."

798
00:37:04,722 --> 00:37:07,058
"It's that easy! Math is precise."

799
00:37:07,141 --> 00:37:09,185
"Two times four isn't six or nine."

800
00:37:09,268 --> 00:37:12,480
"Right, you dope? Two times four…
is eight! Got it?"

801
00:37:13,189 --> 00:37:15,399
"Practice on another one.
Six times eight."

802
00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:16,901
[audience laughing]

803
00:37:16,984 --> 00:37:19,111
[chuckles] You count your fingers.

804
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:23,699
They wouldn't give you time to think.
"Six times eight!"

805
00:37:23,783 --> 00:37:25,868
"I'm telling you, six times eight."

806
00:37:27,119 --> 00:37:29,455
I'd say anything to be left alone.
"Sixty."

807
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,625
My dad, "This one's dumber than the rest."

808
00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:36,128
"We were drunk
when we conceived him, right?"

809
00:37:36,212 --> 00:37:39,382
"No, we're wasting money.
You're beyond repair."

810
00:37:39,465 --> 00:37:41,801
"We get him out of school tomorrow."

811
00:37:41,884 --> 00:37:45,721
"We call Uncle Alberto,
and you'll bag groceries at Corabastos."

812
00:37:46,389 --> 00:37:49,725
"You'll only be good for work,"
they'd threaten you.

813
00:37:49,809 --> 00:37:52,645
And you believed it!
I took that to bed with me.

814
00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:56,274
In a nightmare,
I'm carrying groceries in Corabastos.

815
00:37:56,357 --> 00:37:59,443
Uncle Albert with a stick,
"Six times eight?" "I don't know!"

816
00:37:59,527 --> 00:38:01,153
"I have a tumor."

817
00:38:02,571 --> 00:38:04,782
Some things changed for the better.

818
00:38:04,865 --> 00:38:08,452
Kids these days have a social,
environmental conscience.

819
00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:10,079
They care about animals.

820
00:38:10,162 --> 00:38:12,581
They adopt dogs, rescue cats.

821
00:38:12,665 --> 00:38:13,791
I think it's great.

822
00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:17,920
When we were kids, we didn't give a shit
about animals, right?

823
00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:20,298
They sold dyed chickens at school.

824
00:38:20,881 --> 00:38:22,133
At the entrance.

825
00:38:22,216 --> 00:38:24,302
Anyone here got a dyed baby chick?

826
00:38:24,385 --> 00:38:27,722
"Mom, buy me a chick."
"How much is that shit?" "200 pesos."

827
00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:29,515
You'd take it in your hand.

828
00:38:29,598 --> 00:38:32,018
The chick in agony, held in your grip.

829
00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:33,185
[audience laughing]

830
00:38:33,269 --> 00:38:36,397
Those chicks died
in such tragic ways, didn't they?

831
00:38:37,106 --> 00:38:40,318
Some kids would sleep with them.
"I cuddle my chicken."

832
00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:43,988
One day it goes missing,
and you don't give a shit.

833
00:38:44,071 --> 00:38:45,906
"It went off to be happy elsewhere."

834
00:38:46,782 --> 00:38:50,536
Three days later, it shows up
under the covers, all fucked up.

835
00:38:51,078 --> 00:38:53,372
They'd suffocate. What a sin.

836
00:38:54,498 --> 00:38:55,750
Poor things.

837
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:58,127
-[audience clapping]
-Right?

838
00:38:59,420 --> 00:39:00,296
[chuckles]

839
00:39:01,589 --> 00:39:04,383
Things really changed.
We all grew up differently.

840
00:39:04,467 --> 00:39:07,386
I grew up very differently
from all of you.

841
00:39:07,470 --> 00:39:10,848
I did third, fourth, and fifth grade
in a girl's classroom.

842
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:12,683
I was the only guy there.

843
00:39:13,184 --> 00:39:16,270
When you're the only guy
in an all-girl classroom,

844
00:39:16,771 --> 00:39:19,482
you become one of them, like it or not.

845
00:39:19,565 --> 00:39:24,320
The principal, during line-ups, would say,
"Say hi to the girls in fourth grade."

846
00:39:25,071 --> 00:39:29,033
The entire school looked at me. I waved.
I didn't want to be a rude girl.

847
00:39:29,116 --> 00:39:30,534
[audience laughing]

848
00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:34,914
[chuckles] In those line-ups…
They started raising the flag,

849
00:39:34,997 --> 00:39:38,209
which schools did at the time,
in the largest yard.

850
00:39:38,292 --> 00:39:41,629
Everyone in a line,
each course, each classroom.

851
00:39:42,421 --> 00:39:44,090
On foot, under the sun,

852
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:46,342
wasting all morning there, not learning.

853
00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:49,261
Principal said, "To the left."

854
00:39:49,345 --> 00:39:50,429
"To the left."

855
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:52,056
"To the left."

856
00:39:52,723 --> 00:39:53,557
"To the left."

857
00:39:54,266 --> 00:39:55,101
"Move apart."

858
00:39:55,184 --> 00:39:56,727
[audience laughing]

859
00:40:03,109 --> 00:40:05,945
"Swear an oath to the flag,
four movements. One, two."

860
00:40:06,028 --> 00:40:09,281
"Under God, I swear
loyalty to my flag and nation, Colombia…"

861
00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:11,450
So much shit to repeat, you'd forget.

862
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:15,162
"…indivisible… one nation,
so help me God. Three, four."

863
00:40:15,663 --> 00:40:16,831
[audience laughing]

864
00:40:20,751 --> 00:40:21,836
"To the left."

865
00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:23,504
"To the left."

866
00:40:24,171 --> 00:40:25,047
"To the left."

867
00:40:25,589 --> 00:40:26,424
"To the left."

868
00:40:26,966 --> 00:40:27,925
"Move apart."

869
00:40:30,302 --> 00:40:31,762
[audience laughing]

870
00:40:34,098 --> 00:40:35,182
"National anthem."

871
00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:37,017
[mouthing]

872
00:40:46,026 --> 00:40:46,986
"To the left."

873
00:40:47,862 --> 00:40:48,946
"To the left."

874
00:40:49,572 --> 00:40:50,531
"To the left."

875
00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:52,074
"To the left."

876
00:40:52,616 --> 00:40:53,617
"Move apart."

877
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,787
Standing there, the sun on your face.

878
00:40:56,871 --> 00:40:58,330
Dehydrated, no?

879
00:40:58,414 --> 00:41:01,167
Becoming homicidal from a young age, no?

880
00:41:01,250 --> 00:41:04,628
You wonder how to burn the school down
with everyone inside.

881
00:41:04,712 --> 00:41:05,838
You start going crazy.

882
00:41:06,338 --> 00:41:09,425
About to pass out when,
"An announcement from the principal."

883
00:41:09,508 --> 00:41:10,759
"God dammit!"

884
00:41:10,843 --> 00:41:12,178
[audience laughing]

885
00:41:12,261 --> 00:41:15,222
I'd spend time alone,
the girls never talked to me.

886
00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:18,726
They'd mock me.
"Look at that ugly girl with short hair."

887
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:21,061
Until one day, a girl came by

888
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,440
and told me I had to play their games
to be with them.

889
00:41:24,523 --> 00:41:28,319
She taught me patty mesú,
a game that surely only girls knew.

890
00:41:28,402 --> 00:41:29,612
For men that don't know,

891
00:41:29,695 --> 00:41:32,031
it's a game that us,
elementary school girls, loved,

892
00:41:32,531 --> 00:41:34,033
played with your hands. Here.

893
00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:35,784
♪ I hop, I hop ♪

894
00:41:35,868 --> 00:41:38,913
♪ I hop on my bed
Toss my suitcase, break a bottle ♪

895
00:41:38,996 --> 00:41:40,873
♪ My mom hits me, I hit her ♪

896
00:41:40,956 --> 00:41:44,251
♪ I go up the fifth floor
And play a record that says ♪

897
00:41:44,335 --> 00:41:46,462
♪ Michael Jackson ♪

898
00:41:46,545 --> 00:41:48,380
Most of you remember, right?

899
00:41:48,881 --> 00:41:50,883
We played that. It was wonderful.

900
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:52,051
[audience clapping]

901
00:41:56,722 --> 00:41:57,848
Remember?

902
00:41:57,932 --> 00:42:00,726
An even cooler one
was played with both hands.

903
00:42:00,809 --> 00:42:04,104
♪ You, you with me since childhood ♪

904
00:42:04,188 --> 00:42:06,774
♪ With Pepsi, Pepsi and Coke, Coke ♪

905
00:42:06,857 --> 00:42:08,275
♪ With Pepsi-Cola ♪

906
00:42:08,359 --> 00:42:09,568
[laughing]

907
00:42:10,194 --> 00:42:11,946
Those games fucking ruled.

908
00:42:13,072 --> 00:42:16,325
My favorite one was choreographed.
You get on the floor…

909
00:42:16,408 --> 00:42:18,410
♪ Little angel, falls from heaven ♪

910
00:42:19,161 --> 00:42:21,205
♪ And a ceiling flower, a flower! ♪

911
00:42:21,288 --> 00:42:25,543
♪ A rose, from the flower
From the flower, a clove. A clove! ♪

912
00:42:25,626 --> 00:42:29,797
♪ From the clove, a girl named Isabel
Isabel! ♪

913
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,423
♪ Isabel is my name… ♪

914
00:42:31,507 --> 00:42:33,759
That was a fucking banger, long too.

915
00:42:35,177 --> 00:42:37,846
Let's just say
I didn't have the most normal year.

916
00:42:37,930 --> 00:42:40,683
Picture all the schoolboys playing soccer.

917
00:42:41,725 --> 00:42:44,687
Two kids, "We need one more on our team.
And that guy?"

918
00:42:44,770 --> 00:42:46,605
I was like, "My name is Isabel."

919
00:42:46,689 --> 00:42:48,232
[audience laughing]

920
00:42:48,857 --> 00:42:51,986
They moved me to another classroom
in fifth grade,

921
00:42:52,069 --> 00:42:55,155
since that's when you start
liking other people, right?

922
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,865
That innocent part of life.

923
00:42:56,949 --> 00:43:01,495
Girls in my classroom loved to lie down
in this big field during break

924
00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,831
so that the schoolboys would see.

925
00:43:04,540 --> 00:43:06,458
One day, we were all lying there.

926
00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:07,751
[audience laughing]

927
00:43:08,836 --> 00:43:12,089
The principal said,
"Time to move this dude to another class."

928
00:43:12,673 --> 00:43:16,594
He put me in a male classroom.
Alone again. They couldn't play mesú.

929
00:43:16,677 --> 00:43:18,095
I was already used to…

930
00:43:18,178 --> 00:43:20,806
I was always out of place in my school.

931
00:43:20,889 --> 00:43:23,350
During holidays too.
Halloween, for example.

932
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:25,728
Kids these days have such cool costumes,

933
00:43:25,811 --> 00:43:29,148
all made to fit,
rippling muscles, inexpensive too.

934
00:43:29,231 --> 00:43:32,318
Avengers, Black Panther, Iron Man,

935
00:43:32,401 --> 00:43:33,861
Captain America, Thor.

936
00:43:33,944 --> 00:43:36,196
The girls too. Wonder Woman, Wanda,

937
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:38,365
Black Widow, all the princesses.

938
00:43:39,158 --> 00:43:42,244
We only got costumes
that our parents could afford.

939
00:43:42,328 --> 00:43:43,454
We had no money.

940
00:43:43,996 --> 00:43:47,875
Girls would dress up as Romany girls.
If you dressed as a Romany,

941
00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:51,920
it's because your family
was in a difficult financial situation

942
00:43:52,004 --> 00:43:53,756
at the time. [chuckles]

943
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:56,425
The Romany costume was the cheapest.

944
00:43:56,508 --> 00:43:57,926
"No cash, Romany time."

945
00:43:58,469 --> 00:44:00,596
I was dressed as one, I'd know.

946
00:44:01,722 --> 00:44:05,100
My two sisters dressed as Romanyes.
"Cute, go get candy."

947
00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:07,895
One was happy,
eating candy was all that mattered.

948
00:44:07,978 --> 00:44:13,150
Creativity arises during times of need.
I got invited to a costume party once.

949
00:44:13,233 --> 00:44:15,986
I couldn't afford a costume.
I said, "What do I do?"

950
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:18,781
I didn't go as a Romany girl. [chuckles]

951
00:44:18,864 --> 00:44:20,074
"What do I do?"

952
00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:22,993
I bought a bag of milk.
I had some in my mouth.

953
00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:25,204
Milk inside my mouth.

954
00:44:26,288 --> 00:44:29,124
A friend, "What's your costume?"
[puffs] "A blackhead."

955
00:44:29,208 --> 00:44:30,834
[audience laughing]

956
00:44:33,962 --> 00:44:35,881
I know. I know.

957
00:44:36,423 --> 00:44:37,633
I know I'm gross.

958
00:44:38,175 --> 00:44:39,051
But it was cheap.

959
00:44:39,551 --> 00:44:42,429
Right? If you have no money,

960
00:44:42,513 --> 00:44:45,182
you can use this idea for next Halloween.

961
00:44:45,265 --> 00:44:48,227
Point is, we grew up like that, okay?

962
00:44:48,310 --> 00:44:51,063
Without the conveniences
kids have these days.

963
00:44:51,146 --> 00:44:52,648
We had no internet,

964
00:44:52,731 --> 00:44:56,110
that's why our phone
is like an extension of our body.

965
00:44:56,193 --> 00:44:58,821
We treasure it
because we didn't have it as kids.

966
00:44:58,904 --> 00:45:02,449
And that's why
we're glued to our phones all day.

967
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:05,411
We use it in places where we shouldn't.

968
00:45:05,494 --> 00:45:09,039
In theaters, banks, for instance,
which I don't agree with

969
00:45:09,123 --> 00:45:13,127
because, in a bank, you're not
allowed for security concerns, right?

970
00:45:13,877 --> 00:45:17,172
But what really keeps you entertained
is your phone.

971
00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:19,383
And they take so long to get to you.

972
00:45:19,466 --> 00:45:22,177
Nor is there a TV to distract you,

973
00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:23,679
no magazines to read.

974
00:45:23,762 --> 00:45:25,931
You don't trust folks there to chat.

975
00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:27,933
Going to a bank is a punishment.

976
00:45:28,016 --> 00:45:31,270
"Sit there thinking about your finances
while you wait."

977
00:45:31,812 --> 00:45:33,981
Sitting there, all ashamed. Right?

978
00:45:34,064 --> 00:45:35,983
One gets bored and gets their phone.

979
00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:37,151
Who cares.

980
00:45:37,234 --> 00:45:38,360
"Fuck's sake…"

981
00:45:38,444 --> 00:45:40,028
You try to look serious

982
00:45:40,612 --> 00:45:42,614
so they think it's important.

983
00:45:43,741 --> 00:45:45,701
But you're looking at stupid memes.

984
00:45:46,785 --> 00:45:48,954
You laugh sternly. [chuckles]

985
00:45:49,705 --> 00:45:53,041
"Yeah." The guard comes
and makes you put it away.

986
00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:57,087
"Please put the phone away.
It's for security reasons. Be mindful."

987
00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:58,338
"Yes, sir."

988
00:45:58,422 --> 00:46:02,426
And so starts that game
we all play with the guard.

989
00:46:02,509 --> 00:46:06,513
"I'll play dumb. When he looks away,
I'll check my phone and put it away."

990
00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:07,556
[chuckles]

991
00:46:08,432 --> 00:46:10,601
The guard also goes, "I'll play dumb."

992
00:46:10,684 --> 00:46:13,520
"He'll take it out again.
Every day with this shit."

993
00:46:13,604 --> 00:46:16,148
"I can't use mine. I'm bored.
I'll mess with him."

994
00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:18,692
So you're there, playing dumb.

995
00:46:22,321 --> 00:46:24,156
One learns to write without looking,

996
00:46:24,239 --> 00:46:26,784
which is useless
because of the autocorrect

997
00:46:26,867 --> 00:46:30,454
that embarrasses you.
One time, a friend wrote: "Hey, papi."

998
00:46:30,537 --> 00:46:32,039
Corrected as, "Hey, parasite."

999
00:46:32,790 --> 00:46:35,000
I blocked her. We ended on bad terms.

1000
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:38,170
Or you get sent
one of those moaning videos.

1001
00:46:38,253 --> 00:46:41,131
We all fell for it once, right?

1002
00:46:41,215 --> 00:46:43,842
The worst timing. In a bank of all places.

1003
00:46:43,926 --> 00:46:46,178
You have the full volume on.

1004
00:46:46,678 --> 00:46:48,597
A title with a misleading image

1005
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:51,016
to bait you into opening the video.

1006
00:46:51,099 --> 00:46:53,852
"James Rodríguez
on rejoining Real Madrid."

1007
00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:56,438
"Will he get back on the team?"

1008
00:46:56,522 --> 00:46:57,898
[moaning]

1009
00:46:57,981 --> 00:46:59,650
"No! No! No!"

1010
00:46:59,733 --> 00:47:01,068
[moaning]

1011
00:47:01,151 --> 00:47:02,820
"What's going on? It's muted."

1012
00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:04,404
[moaning]

1013
00:47:04,488 --> 00:47:06,365
"It's not porn. It's James."

1014
00:47:06,448 --> 00:47:08,617
[moaning]

1015
00:47:08,700 --> 00:47:10,536
"It's not what you…"

1016
00:47:10,619 --> 00:47:11,703
[moaning]

1017
00:47:11,787 --> 00:47:15,624
Guard says: "Put it away.
Stop watching porn. There are kids here!"

1018
00:47:15,707 --> 00:47:19,586
"It's not porn, it's a video…
This shit's busted."

1019
00:47:21,046 --> 00:47:22,881
Then your dumbass face, like…

1020
00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:25,843
[chuckling]

1021
00:47:25,926 --> 00:47:27,261
"Right, they got me."

1022
00:47:27,344 --> 00:47:28,929
[chuckling]

1023
00:47:29,012 --> 00:47:31,014
"James, back in Real Madrid, yes."

1024
00:47:31,557 --> 00:47:32,683
[chuckles]

1025
00:47:33,475 --> 00:47:36,311
The shame is short-lived.
You take out your phone again.

1026
00:47:37,271 --> 00:47:39,398
I don't know why.
One time, I turned around,

1027
00:47:39,481 --> 00:47:41,984
and the guard was gone.
From behind, "Put it away!"

1028
00:47:42,067 --> 00:47:44,027
I got so scared I almost hit him.

1029
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:46,655
Instead of owning up your mistake, denial.

1030
00:47:46,738 --> 00:47:49,491
Not owning up to it
and exaggerating again.

1031
00:47:49,575 --> 00:47:52,411
"I'm not using it."
"Why is it in your hand?"

1032
00:47:52,494 --> 00:47:55,372
"Because I want it there.
Some control freak."

1033
00:47:55,455 --> 00:47:58,584
"You'll just hold it?
You can put it in a locker."

1034
00:47:58,667 --> 00:48:01,879
"No sir, let me just hold it.
What a control freak."

1035
00:48:01,962 --> 00:48:05,674
You put it away, and keep arguing,
"Fine, I won't take it out."

1036
00:48:05,757 --> 00:48:08,343
"Let it rot!
I'll never use it again in my life."

1037
00:48:08,427 --> 00:48:11,221
"Let it rot,
I'll get gangrene and lose a leg."

1038
00:48:11,305 --> 00:48:13,348
"Who made me lose my leg? The guard."

1039
00:48:14,349 --> 00:48:16,476
"I won't use it, then. Got it."

1040
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:19,688
"Okay. But this rule
not only applies to me, right?"

1041
00:48:19,771 --> 00:48:21,565
"The guard can't use it either,

1042
00:48:21,648 --> 00:48:25,027
nor can the employees,
bankers, that lady, nobody."

1043
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:27,946
"If they rob the bank,
we're all fucking dying."

1044
00:48:28,030 --> 00:48:31,241
"No one can call the police,
can't take out your phone."

1045
00:48:32,242 --> 00:48:34,870
"Who'd die first?
Who killed us? The guard."

1046
00:48:35,662 --> 00:48:38,081
"The guard. We'll see who dies first."
Pissed.

1047
00:48:38,165 --> 00:48:41,251
We're always connected,
that's why we need phones.

1048
00:48:41,335 --> 00:48:45,631
Our most important tool is the internet.

1049
00:48:45,714 --> 00:48:48,175
Home internet, above all.

1050
00:48:48,258 --> 00:48:52,304
Some say, "Electricity's more important."
No electricity, no internet.

1051
00:48:52,387 --> 00:48:55,849
If the power's out, you don't get
as pissed as with the Internet.

1052
00:48:55,933 --> 00:48:57,976
Internet fails, and we're angrier.

1053
00:48:58,060 --> 00:49:01,730
Power goes out, and you even have fun
because when the lights go out,

1054
00:49:01,813 --> 00:49:04,232
you can hear all your neighbors going,

1055
00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:06,109
"Aw!" Right?

1056
00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:10,072
When the lights go out,
the neighborhood goes, "Aw!"

1057
00:49:10,155 --> 00:49:13,450
In your own home,
from inside the kitchen: "Aw!"

1058
00:49:14,284 --> 00:49:16,453
They run to the room, "Power's out."

1059
00:49:16,536 --> 00:49:18,038
[audience laughing]

1060
00:49:18,121 --> 00:49:22,000
I say "I know, I was watching TV.
Let's see what happened."

1061
00:49:22,084 --> 00:49:23,502
When the Internet's out,

1062
00:49:23,585 --> 00:49:26,546
one's rabid fury
goes from 0 to 100 in no time.

1063
00:49:26,630 --> 00:49:28,340
Lots of fury, right?

1064
00:49:28,423 --> 00:49:32,469
You start thinking,
"I pay for a service I'm not getting."

1065
00:49:32,552 --> 00:49:35,389
"I'm being played for a fool,
always billed on time."

1066
00:49:35,472 --> 00:49:37,641
"They must be mocking me." And so on.

1067
00:49:37,724 --> 00:49:41,937
We avoid calling customer service
due to bad experiences we've all had.

1068
00:49:42,020 --> 00:49:45,440
They either don't respond,
or get you pissed at a stranger,

1069
00:49:45,524 --> 00:49:48,694
or they hang up,
or you get bad service. It's rough.

1070
00:49:48,777 --> 00:49:53,865
So, with a lack of technical know-how,
one tries to manually repair the signal.

1071
00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:55,826
Go look at the modem.

1072
00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:59,579
Some threaten the modem.
"So, this isn't going to work."

1073
00:50:00,956 --> 00:50:02,708
"This shit won't work."

1074
00:50:02,791 --> 00:50:04,042
[audience laughing]

1075
00:50:04,876 --> 00:50:05,961
"Did I damage it?"

1076
00:50:07,087 --> 00:50:08,380
No? [chuckles]

1077
00:50:09,506 --> 00:50:10,757
"Let's unplug it."

1078
00:50:12,092 --> 00:50:16,763
"There." One loses patience, plugs it
back in. Each light is turning back on.

1079
00:50:16,847 --> 00:50:19,099
One of them flickers and turns off.

1080
00:50:19,182 --> 00:50:21,810
You have no idea
if it was like that before.

1081
00:50:22,310 --> 00:50:25,522
It's not working.
"Oh God, time to make a call."

1082
00:50:26,106 --> 00:50:28,316
Before even calling, you ruminate.

1083
00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:31,278
"They'll hear me,
those abusive sons of bitches."

1084
00:50:31,361 --> 00:50:33,613
"Surely laughing their asses off at me."

1085
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:38,076
"We disconnect that asshole
who pays on time, whenever we want."

1086
00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:40,704
"He never complains…"
"I'll be here all day."

1087
00:50:40,787 --> 00:50:44,416
"Doesn't matter what it takes,
even if I have to quit my job."

1088
00:50:44,499 --> 00:50:47,002
"Until they answer
and restore my service."

1089
00:50:47,502 --> 00:50:48,754
Arguing at the wall.

1090
00:50:48,837 --> 00:50:51,423
You're mad,
and you get an upbeat recording.

1091
00:50:52,049 --> 00:50:56,845
"We are proud to serve you. Stay on
the line, and we'll get to you shortly."

1092
00:50:56,928 --> 00:51:00,015
"They're proud to serve me?
Bunch of lying bastards."

1093
00:51:00,098 --> 00:51:01,725
"Absolutely shameless too."

1094
00:51:02,225 --> 00:51:04,686
"Who likes receiving complaints? Sickos!"

1095
00:51:05,395 --> 00:51:08,315
You get a menu.
"For special services, press one."

1096
00:51:08,398 --> 00:51:11,735
"For cable TV, press two.
For mobile internet, press three."

1097
00:51:11,818 --> 00:51:13,445
"For home internet, press four."

1098
00:51:13,528 --> 00:51:16,698
"If you're a frequent client, press five.
If you're…"

1099
00:51:16,782 --> 00:51:19,367
Is anyone else bored to death
listening to the menu?

1100
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:24,289
Your mind wanders,
thinking of wonderful imaginary worlds.

1101
00:51:25,207 --> 00:51:28,168
You snap back to the menu,
and the options are gone.

1102
00:51:28,251 --> 00:51:29,461
You're just like…

1103
00:51:30,962 --> 00:51:32,631
[laughing]

1104
00:51:32,714 --> 00:51:33,799
"I'll call again."

1105
00:51:33,882 --> 00:51:34,800
[laughing]

1106
00:51:34,883 --> 00:51:38,762
I'll call again, and now I'll complain
about their shitty menu too

1107
00:51:38,845 --> 00:51:41,932
meant to confuse,
make you hang up, dodge complaints."

1108
00:51:42,015 --> 00:51:43,350
"But I'm staying."

1109
00:51:43,975 --> 00:51:46,061
"This is Maritza, how can I help you?"

1110
00:51:46,144 --> 00:51:50,023
You know it's not her fault.
You're mad, but you want to be fair.

1111
00:51:50,107 --> 00:51:53,235
You try to breathe, to relax.
Your forehead veins bulging.

1112
00:51:53,318 --> 00:51:55,153
Face all red, with tachycardia.

1113
00:51:55,237 --> 00:51:57,405
But try to breathe. [inhales, exhales]

1114
00:51:58,573 --> 00:51:59,407
"Maritza."

1115
00:51:59,491 --> 00:52:00,575
[audience laughing]

1116
00:52:00,659 --> 00:52:01,993
"How are you?"

1117
00:52:02,077 --> 00:52:04,329
"I'm calling about an inconvenience."

1118
00:52:05,163 --> 00:52:06,414
[chuckles]

1119
00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:08,625
"Yes. Otherwise…" [chuckles]

1120
00:52:09,376 --> 00:52:11,753
"I wouldn't be calling, right, Maritza?"

1121
00:52:11,837 --> 00:52:12,921
[chuckles]

1122
00:52:13,630 --> 00:52:17,134
"I'm calling to see if you can help
by finding in your system

1123
00:52:17,217 --> 00:52:20,387
what the fuck is…
what's going on, Maritza. Sorry."

1124
00:52:20,929 --> 00:52:23,265
"Restore the service as soon as possible

1125
00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:29,521
so I can continue on with my damn life
and watch Netflix's Ugly Betty in peace."

1126
00:52:29,604 --> 00:52:30,772
[laughing]

1127
00:52:31,565 --> 00:52:32,858
"Thanks, Marit…"

1128
00:52:34,526 --> 00:52:35,360
"Maritza?"

1129
00:52:35,443 --> 00:52:37,028
[audience laughing]

1130
00:52:37,112 --> 00:52:41,074
"Full name, please." Didn't give a shit
about what you just said.

1131
00:52:41,158 --> 00:52:44,744
They follow a protocol.
The first step is to get your name,

1132
00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:46,163
or they can't help you.

1133
00:52:46,955 --> 00:52:48,874
"Néstor Ricardo Quevedo Madrid."

1134
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:51,793
I'm thinking, "At least call me Ricardo."

1135
00:52:52,377 --> 00:52:53,211
"Don Néstor."

1136
00:52:53,295 --> 00:52:54,421
[laughing]

1137
00:52:54,504 --> 00:52:55,755
"Yes, Maritza?"

1138
00:52:56,840 --> 00:53:00,427
"It must be a mistake.
I see it's working fine, Don Néstor."

1139
00:53:01,011 --> 00:53:02,387
[audience laughing]

1140
00:53:04,431 --> 00:53:06,725
[chuckles] "No. No."

1141
00:53:06,808 --> 00:53:11,354
"No, Maritza, no. There's no mistake.
I'm not a jackass."

1142
00:53:11,438 --> 00:53:16,484
"I know when things work,
and when they don't, Maritza."

1143
00:53:16,568 --> 00:53:17,527
[chuckling]

1144
00:53:17,611 --> 00:53:19,237
"I'm not a fucking ape."

1145
00:53:19,321 --> 00:53:21,031
[laughing]

1146
00:53:21,114 --> 00:53:23,241
"Let's try that again, Maritza."

1147
00:53:23,325 --> 00:53:27,495
"I have no internet." "Can you confirm?
The signal is sometimes weak."

1148
00:53:27,579 --> 00:53:31,499
"I have no internet! I have no internet!"

1149
00:53:32,417 --> 00:53:35,337
"No internet?
We're offering a new home package

1150
00:53:35,420 --> 00:53:37,714
with mobile internet at a discount."

1151
00:53:37,797 --> 00:53:39,799
"For God's sake, Maritza, focus."

1152
00:53:39,883 --> 00:53:41,593
"I mean, I do have internet,

1153
00:53:41,676 --> 00:53:44,763
but the one I have doesn't work, Maritza."

1154
00:53:45,305 --> 00:53:48,225
"I'm at the end of my rope, Maritza.
See, I don't…"

1155
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:52,062
"No, I don't deserve this shit, Maritza.
No way. No way. No way."

1156
00:53:52,145 --> 00:53:55,273
"I get you're busy, or you don't give
a shit about my problem."

1157
00:53:55,357 --> 00:53:58,777
"Give me information
on how to manually restore the service."

1158
00:53:58,860 --> 00:53:59,986
"And I'll fuck off."

1159
00:54:00,862 --> 00:54:03,198
"You can download that from our web page."

1160
00:54:03,698 --> 00:54:05,242
[audience laughing]

1161
00:54:05,325 --> 00:54:06,493
[chuckles]

1162
00:54:09,120 --> 00:54:10,372
"Wow, Maritza!"

1163
00:54:10,455 --> 00:54:11,998
[audience laughing]

1164
00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:13,250
[chuckles]

1165
00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:19,089
"One question, Maritza, all due respect."

1166
00:54:19,631 --> 00:54:23,051
"I feel we've bonded over the course
of this call, Maritza."

1167
00:54:23,134 --> 00:54:27,389
"How the fuck should I download
info off a web page without internet?"

1168
00:54:28,181 --> 00:54:31,059
"Am I a wizard, Maritza?" [chuckles]

1169
00:54:31,142 --> 00:54:33,478
"Do I have a magic wand, Maritza?"

1170
00:54:33,979 --> 00:54:35,897
"I know what I'll do, Maritza."

1171
00:54:35,981 --> 00:54:40,151
"I'll get a magic cable from my ass,
plug it into my modem,

1172
00:54:40,235 --> 00:54:43,363
and have
unlimited internet forever, Maritza."

1173
00:54:43,446 --> 00:54:47,450
"Is that coming? Will my magic ass
get me 500-megabyte internet?"

1174
00:54:47,534 --> 00:54:49,035
[audience laughing]

1175
00:54:49,744 --> 00:54:51,496
"Don't play with me, Maritza."

1176
00:54:52,622 --> 00:54:54,541
"I hear laughing, Maritza."

1177
00:54:55,041 --> 00:54:56,376
"You're mocking me."

1178
00:54:56,459 --> 00:54:59,713
"My chest is hurting,
and my left arm is going numb."

1179
00:54:59,796 --> 00:55:02,507
"I hold you responsible
for any health issues,

1180
00:55:02,590 --> 00:55:05,010
heart attacks.
I'm recording. Maritza killed me!"

1181
00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:07,095
"Her incompetence killed me!"

1182
00:55:08,972 --> 00:55:10,557
[sniffs] "Maritza, I don't…"

1183
00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:12,017
[laughing]

1184
00:55:14,269 --> 00:55:17,230
"I need technical support,
and you're not helping."

1185
00:55:17,981 --> 00:55:21,151
"This is not technical support.
I'll transfer you." "No!"

1186
00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,403
You get put on hold.

1187
00:55:23,486 --> 00:55:26,531
We need to be patient.

1188
00:55:26,614 --> 00:55:29,200
We're fucked.
So many things happen every day.

1189
00:55:29,284 --> 00:55:31,494
Once, a girl told me, after a show,

1190
00:55:31,578 --> 00:55:35,373
"Thanks so much. I needed a laugh.
These days haven't been easy."

1191
00:55:36,416 --> 00:55:40,295
"I've been depressed for some weeks,
sad for months."

1192
00:55:40,378 --> 00:55:43,506
"It all began in nineteen-ninety…"
The full story.

1193
00:55:43,590 --> 00:55:46,343
She told me
she had even considered suicide.

1194
00:55:46,426 --> 00:55:49,804
She's saying that to me.
I'm not positive or encouraging.

1195
00:55:49,888 --> 00:55:51,765
I'm awful at giving advice.

1196
00:55:51,848 --> 00:55:54,768
I think one of our main problems
is there's too many of us.

1197
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:59,564
"I can't be so brash and irresponsible."

1198
00:55:59,647 --> 00:56:02,150
"I can't give useless advice or whatever."

1199
00:56:02,233 --> 00:56:06,738
"Make her laugh, that I can do." I said,
"I tried killing myself many times."

1200
00:56:06,821 --> 00:56:09,115
"Really?" "Yes, I was fed up with myself."

1201
00:56:09,199 --> 00:56:12,452
"So, what do I do?
It should be a stylish death."

1202
00:56:12,535 --> 00:56:15,205
"If it gets to the gossip press,
I'd be discredited."

1203
00:56:15,288 --> 00:56:19,417
"With those shitty headlines.
'Comedy: a dying art.' Me on the cover."

1204
00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:21,086
[audience laughing]

1205
00:56:22,587 --> 00:56:23,421
[chuckles]

1206
00:56:23,505 --> 00:56:27,842
"If someone's bad luck makes them
attempt suicide, it'll make them fail."

1207
00:56:27,926 --> 00:56:30,095
"How come?" "That's how bad luck works."

1208
00:56:30,178 --> 00:56:31,721
"It messes people's goals."

1209
00:56:31,805 --> 00:56:35,266
"If someone's bad luck makes them
attempt suicide, it'll botch it."

1210
00:56:35,350 --> 00:56:39,354
"You'll screw it up. I thought
that if I buy a gun and shoot myself,

1211
00:56:39,437 --> 00:56:41,856
I'm so unlucky
I'll make it with a broken jaw."

1212
00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:45,110
"If I try to hang myself,
I'll get a vegetative life."

1213
00:56:45,193 --> 00:56:47,862
"If I try poison,
some organ will be ruined,

1214
00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:50,615
and I'll get a speech disability,
like this."

1215
00:56:50,698 --> 00:56:53,451
"If I try drowning,
a good Samaritan will save me,

1216
00:56:53,535 --> 00:56:56,496
not knowing any better,
with no respect for death."

1217
00:56:56,579 --> 00:56:59,165
"So I decided to do them all at once."
"How?"

1218
00:56:59,249 --> 00:57:03,044
"I bought a gun, a rope, poison,
and got to a cliff by the ocean."

1219
00:57:03,128 --> 00:57:06,798
"Before jumping, I said a prayer.
People get inconsistent."

1220
00:57:07,549 --> 00:57:09,717
"'Dear God, may it all go smoothly.'"

1221
00:57:10,552 --> 00:57:13,012
"I jumped. I'm so unlucky, it turned out

1222
00:57:13,096 --> 00:57:17,183
the force of the rope on my neck
made my body sway as I waited,

1223
00:57:17,267 --> 00:57:19,519
made me fire my gun and shoot the rope."

1224
00:57:19,602 --> 00:57:21,729
"Swallowed seawater, threw up the poison."

1225
00:57:21,813 --> 00:57:23,231
[audience laughing]

1226
00:57:23,314 --> 00:57:24,274
She was like,

1227
00:57:25,358 --> 00:57:27,277
"You're crazy." "Yet alive," I say.

1228
00:57:28,153 --> 00:57:29,154
[chuckles]

1229
00:57:29,237 --> 00:57:32,490
I should enjoy it while it lasts,
however long.

1230
00:57:32,574 --> 00:57:35,160
And I loved enjoying it with you tonight.

1231
00:57:35,243 --> 00:57:37,245
Thank you so much for smiling.

1232
00:57:37,328 --> 00:57:39,706
Thanks for the applause, the good vibes.

1233
00:57:39,789 --> 00:57:41,624
Thank you. You're so kind.

1234
00:57:41,708 --> 00:57:43,751
Thank you, so kind. Thank you.

1235
00:57:43,835 --> 00:57:45,003
[cheering, clapping]

1236
00:57:45,086 --> 00:57:47,005
Thank you. See you, ciao.

1237
00:57:47,088 --> 00:57:49,340
Take care. Thank you. Ciao.

1238
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:50,425
[chuckles]

1239
00:57:50,508 --> 00:57:51,342
Ciao.

1240
00:57:51,426 --> 00:57:53,428
[cheering, clapping]

1241
00:57:53,511 --> 00:57:54,554
[chuckling]

1242
00:57:55,889 --> 00:57:57,265
Thanks a bunch, ciao!

1243
00:57:57,348 --> 00:57:59,350
[cheering, clapping]

1244
00:57:59,434 --> 00:58:01,436
[upbeat music playing]