1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,760 The following programme contains strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,000 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:08,960 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, 6 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,320 Rob Beckett...! 7 00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:22,480 Yes, Southend! 8 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,000 Thank you very much! 9 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:32,880 Thank you very much! 10 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,360 Oh, I've gone red! 11 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,920 You made me blush! Thank you very much. 12 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,000 Very excited to be here. Thank you so much for that lovely welcome. 13 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,320 Very excited to be here. Thank you so much for that lovely welcome. 14 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:47,040 Buzzing. Yeah, whoo-hoo! As you put a straw in your vodka and Coke. 15 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:48,000 You alright. What's your name? 16 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,640 You alright. What's your name? 17 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,520 Daisy. Alright, Daisy? Daisy, you u look like you've had 18 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:55,600 quite a few vodka and Cokes. 19 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,320 Would I be wrong or right? 20 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,880 You're right. I'm right, OK. Fair enough. 21 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,000 Still got your coat on and your bag. Not planning on staying? Too busy. 22 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,200 Still got your coat on and your bag. Not planning on staying? Too busy. 23 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,000 Good on you, Daisy. I'm very excited to be in Southend. 24 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:12,920 Good on you, Daisy. I'm very excited to be in Southend. 25 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,720 Love Southend. Big fan of Southend. 26 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,880 The thing is, even if I weren't excited to be here, 27 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,000 you wouldn't be able to tell, because of my face. 28 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,800 you wouldn't be able to tell, because of my face. 29 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:24,880 I've got the full smiley face. So if I fully relax my face, 30 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,320 this is how it falls. 31 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:32,680 That's me at rest. Some people have resting bitch face. Like you, mate. 32 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,000 On the end. You're smiling now, but you know, 33 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:36,960 On the end. You're smiling now, but you know, 34 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,800 you've got that kind of stern face. Have you got a serious job? 35 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,200 Insurance.Insurance. 36 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:47,480 You got to be smiley when it's insurance and yet not. 37 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,000 Terrorism insurance.What's that, sorry?Terrorism insurance. Terrorism insurance. Great. 38 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:52,800 Terrorism insurance.What's that, sorry?Terrorism insurance. Terrorism insurance. Great. 39 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:53,920 Perfect, front row. 40 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,440 I'll just dust off all my terrorism stuff for the big TV show. 41 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,600 Is it insurance for the government or the terrorists? 42 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,000 You got Al-Qaeda on speed-dial. "What you need, boys? 43 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,960 You got Al-Qaeda on speed-dial. "What you need, boys? 44 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,520 What have you got planned? 45 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:16,000 It's gonna cost yer!" 46 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,240 It's gonna cost yer!" 47 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:21,840 You've got to have a serious face to work in insurance. 48 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,000 You can't be all smiley-miley. You walk to the speed of your face, do you know that? 49 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,960 You can't be all smiley-miley. You walk to the speed of your face, do you know that? 50 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,600 if you've got a serious face, you have to walk slow. 51 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:31,120 When you're smiley like me, you've got to go quick. 52 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:32,000 "Coming through. Alright? You good? Yeah." 53 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,880 "Coming through. Alright? You good? Yeah." 54 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:39,640 I can't turn a corner slowly with this face. It's unsettling. You see me come round the corner... 55 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:44,640 Hello. 56 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,000 Has anyone seen Daisy? 57 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:48,880 Has anyone seen Daisy? 58 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,920 Who you in with, Daisy? 59 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,000 Him. No name. Just a little point. 60 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:56,400 Him. No name. Just a little point. 61 00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,840 What's your name, mate?Rob.Rob. 62 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,440 And Daisy. What you do, Rob? 63 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:04,000 A courier.You're a courier. What d'you coury? 64 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:04,120 A courier.You're a courier. What d'you coury? 65 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,040 Nothing. Nothing?Anything.Anything. 66 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:11,080 What was that?Parcels. Parcels! 67 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,000 I thought you were heckling, but you were just being informative. 68 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,000 As if I didn't know what a courier was. 69 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:24,240 "Oh, it's actually parcels, Rob, carry on with the show, please? 70 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,000 It's parcels, mate, like a postman in a van, OK?" 71 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,000 It's parcels, mate, like a postman in a van, OK?" 72 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,680 You've been very informative. What's your name? 73 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:33,920 Tim.Tim. What would you do, Tim? 74 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,000 I'm a support worker. You're a support worker. For autism. I'm trying to do a gig here, mate. 75 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,800 I'm a support worker. You're a support worker. For autism. I'm trying to do a gig here, mate. 76 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,000 I've got terrorism, front row. 77 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:44,400 I've got terrorism, front row. 78 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:48,120 This guy helping people with autism. How am I supposed to make fun out of that? 79 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,680 Fucking hell... 80 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,720 Are you an estate agent? No. 81 00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,480 Anyone work in government? 82 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,240 Matt Hancock's new girlfriend in? 83 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,000 You've got Steves in Southend, ain't there? 84 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,640 You've got Steves in Southend, ain't there? 85 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,840 Give a cheer if you're called Steve. No, maybe there isn't. 86 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:16,000 Take that back. 87 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,040 Take that back. 88 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,880 Reason I like Southend, why I wanted to film the special here, 89 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,240 is that you are big laughers. You laugh loud. 90 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:24,000 "I'm Steve. Ha-ha-ha! 91 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:24,800 "I'm Steve. Ha-ha-ha! 92 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:27,800 Steve with a V. Ha!" 93 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,000 It's like an exorcism. Ha...! 94 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:32,280 It's like an exorcism. Ha...! 95 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:35,200 Oh, latecomers, come down, don't worry, don't panic. 96 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:38,040 You alright there? Can I check your ticket, please? 97 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,920 Just to make sure. It's a special occasion. 98 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:40,000 Can you come down, please? I will carry this on. 99 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,280 Can you come down, please? I will carry this on. 100 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,680 No, don't you... I will come down. 101 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:53,120 Come down with your ticket, please. I just wanna check something. 102 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,000 Look, can I level with you? I've got a joke I do 103 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:56,640 Look, can I level with you? I've got a joke I do 104 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,800 when you bring the ticket over. OK? 105 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,360 Help me help you. 106 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,920 So if you can please bring your ticket to the front, I can do my little joke. 107 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,680 They're fucking filming this, alright? 108 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,000 Don't let me down. Bring the fucking ticket up! 109 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,160 Don't let me down. Bring the fucking ticket up! 110 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,040 Yes. 111 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:19,480 Come on! Bring it down. Thank you very much. 112 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:25,960 There you go. Bit quicker, ideally, but she's on camera now. 113 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,000 She's panicking. "Oh, no," she's thinking, "I wore the wrong outfit. 114 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:28,960 She's panicking. "Oh, no," she's thinking, "I wore the wrong outfit. 115 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,760 Should've put me hair up." You look lovely. Don't panic. What's your name? 116 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,000 Hallo, Wendy. Yeah, it does say eight o'clock. 117 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:36,960 Hallo, Wendy. Yeah, it does say eight o'clock. 118 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,480 Just wanted to check. Yeah. 119 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:51,480 Just wanted to check if you had the same time as everyone else, Wendy. No drama. 120 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:52,000 Thanks for coming down, Wend. You alright? 121 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,000 Thanks for coming down, Wend. You alright? 122 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,240 What happened? Get caught in traffic or something? 123 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:59,280 Yeah? Too far away, can't be bothered. 124 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,000 Leave her, mate, don't worry about it. 125 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,600 Leave her, mate, don't worry about it. 126 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,000 Oh dear. Steve. Steve. Southend Steves, why I love it. 127 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,440 Oh dear. Steve. Steve. Southend Steves, why I love it. 128 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:14,200 You go to Cambridge, they're all Stephen with a 'ph.' 129 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,000 They all laugh inwards. 130 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:16,240 They all laugh inwards. 131 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,480 "Yes. Yes, I would like to laugh, but I'm a bit concerned 132 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,600 about my daughter's SATS exams next week." 133 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:24,000 Steve's like, "All-nighter? Steve." 134 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,280 Steve's like, "All-nighter? Steve." 135 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,520 It's good to have you here. You two married? 136 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:32,000 How long have you been together? 137 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,040 How long have you been together? 138 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,400 13 years. 13 years. Got any kids? 139 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:36,640 One.One. How old? 140 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,120 Eight. Eight. Who's got the kids tonight? 141 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,000 My mum. Your mum. Does she live nearby? 142 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:40,960 My mum. Your mum. Does she live nearby? 143 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,440 No. We don't live nearby. 144 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:43,760 You don't? Where are you from? 145 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:45,680 Cheshunt.Cheshunt! 146 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,000 OK. Zero response for that. You didn't know what to do there. 147 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,440 OK. Zero response for that. You didn't know what to do there. 148 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:54,200 I felt you nearly went, "Ooh! Actually, piss off." 149 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:56,000 I'm not impressed by Cheshunt! 150 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,440 I'm not impressed by Cheshunt! 151 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,400 Good to have you here. I'm so happy to be back gigging, to be honest. 152 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,000 Covid went on for too long, didn't it? 153 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,040 Covid went on for too long, didn't it? 154 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,840 Absolute piss-take. 155 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,200 Too much happened in Covid, didn't it? 156 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,000 Philip Schofield came out as gay! 157 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:12,520 Philip Schofield came out as gay! 158 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:14,840 We all forgot! 159 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,040 He's gonna have to do it again. 160 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:20,000 I hope his wife jotted it down. 161 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,360 I hope his wife jotted it down. 162 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,920 I felt sorry for him. 60 years of living a life, 163 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:28,000 finally, "I'm out! I'm free!" Fuck off, lockdown, indoors. 164 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:32,040 finally, "I'm out! I'm free!" Fuck off, lockdown, indoors. 165 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,000 "I've only just come out!" You're going back in, Scho. 166 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,960 "I've only just come out!" You're going back in, Scho. 167 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:43,640 "What am I gonna do?" Have a wank, mate, no deleting the history. 168 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,440 Everyone knows, you don't have to hide the iPad now, 169 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,480 get involved, Sco. 170 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,000 I've not been invited back on 'This Morning.' 171 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,520 I've not been invited back on 'This Morning.' 172 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,680 It was quite good at swerving family members, Covid. 173 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:00,000 That was quite good. Ones you didn't like. 174 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,160 That was quite good. Ones you didn't like. 175 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:06,640 I'm still dropping food off at my mother-in-law's doorstep. 176 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,200 There you go, Theresa, I'll just leave that there. 177 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,280 Don't wanna take any chances. 178 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,000 We wouldn't wanna catch anything, would we? Like a conversation. 179 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,440 We wouldn't wanna catch anything, would we? Like a conversation. 180 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,000 Good to be out and about, though. What's your name, mate? 181 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,080 Good to be out and about, though. What's your name, mate? 182 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:29,200 Harry? Gary. Oh, the Gary. A dying breed. 183 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,280 They're going extinct, did you know?Are they? 184 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:37,040 Yeah, people aren't naming their babies Gary, 185 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:38,360 for obvious reasons. 186 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,800 Great name for a bloke, but not a little, you know... 187 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,280 Baby Gary here. 188 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,560 Do you like Gal, Gazza...? 189 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,480 Anything.Anything, yeah?Anything. 190 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,720 I like you, Gal, you're happy. What do you do, 191 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:56,000 Gal?I like you.Oh, good. That's why you're here, I imagine. 192 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,680 Gal?I like you.Oh, good. That's why you're here, I imagine. 193 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,240 What do you do, Gal? 194 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,000 I'm retired. Retired. What did you used to do? 195 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,000 I'm retired. Retired. What did you used to do? 196 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,320 I drove a truck.You drove a truck? 197 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,360 Once? 198 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,000 Away from a bank? Very fast? 199 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:12,920 Away from a bank? Very fast? 200 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,120 "Don't worry, Gal's on it." 201 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,000 I like you. He's got a catchphrase already. 202 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,160 I like you. He's got a catchphrase already. 203 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,920 Your wife's got her head in her hands. 204 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:28,000 What's your name?Lynn.Hello, Lynn. 'Course it is. We're in Essex. 205 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:28,320 What's your name?Lynn.Hello, Lynn. 'Course it is. We're in Essex. 206 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,760 Gary and fucking Lynn. 207 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,000 Gary and Lynn! 208 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:36,680 Gary and Lynn! 209 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,920 We all know it's Lynn and Gary, though, to their friends. 210 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:42,880 Lynn's in charge, isn't she, Gal? 211 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,000 Absolutely.And what about you, Lynn? Does Gary... you look 212 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,760 Absolutely.And what about you, Lynn? Does Gary... you look 213 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,840 like you're gonna pass out, Lynn. You alright? 214 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,000 You alright, yeah? Having a good time? 215 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:52,320 You alright, yeah? Having a good time? 216 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,600 And how long have you been together? 217 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,880 40 years.40 years! 218 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:00,000 Unbelievable! Anyone longer than 40 years? 219 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,920 Unbelievable! Anyone longer than 40 years? 220 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,480 Fuck that.Fuck that. 221 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,800 "Fuck that." 222 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,880 I don't know why, but I imagine that man's leaned on a bar. 223 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:18,640 "Fuck that." 224 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,000 There's always that bloke in the bar, pops in, "Fuck off..." 225 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,160 There's always that bloke in the bar, pops in, "Fuck off..." 226 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:32,000 I think I heard a cheer for that. Was there someone married longer than 40 years? 227 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:32,680 I think I heard a cheer for that. Was there someone married longer than 40 years? 228 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,920 Fuck that!No. Again. 229 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,840 Oh, no, he's got a catchphrase as well, Gal. 230 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:45,720 "Fuck that." Now there were, but they may be old and quiet. 231 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,000 Anyone longer than 40 years? Or are Gary and Lynn winning? 232 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,080 Anyone longer than 40 years? Or are Gary and Lynn winning? 233 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,760 You're doing very well to not shout "Fuck that" by the way. 234 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,000 We're all appreciating the hard work you're putting in there. 235 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,520 We're all appreciating the hard work you're putting in there. 236 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,240 I could feel your body convulsing. 237 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,840 Looks like you've won, Gary and Lynn. 238 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,560 Everyone loves Gary and Lynn. 239 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,880 Now, what's the secret to 40 happy years together? 240 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:19,720 He does as he's told. 241 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,600 He does the what? He does as he's told. 242 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,440 He does as he's told. 243 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,000 Do you, Gal?No.No. 244 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:28,120 Do you, Gal?No.No. 245 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,840 Good to have you here, Gary and Lynn. 246 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:36,000 Nice to be out, innit? 247 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,880 Nice to be out, innit? 248 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:41,480 Have you got kids, Gary and Lynn? No kids. No kids. OK. 249 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,000 That's the secret to a happy marriage. Look at 'em. Absolutely full of beans. 250 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,840 That's the secret to a happy marriage. Look at 'em. Absolutely full of beans. 251 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,240 You look fucked, mate. 252 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,440 Brutal. That's the thing. If you are gonna have kids, 253 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:58,120 the secret is, live near the in-laws or anyone that'll have 'em. 254 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,000 That's the only way to survive. 255 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:00,680 That's the only way to survive. 256 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,080 But the problem is, 257 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,440 our generation's getting older and having kids a bit older, 258 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,000 it means the grandparents are too old to look after the kids. 259 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:08,040 it means the grandparents are too old to look after the kids. 260 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,880 They can't handle it. My dad's 78. He's got a hernia and diabetes, 261 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,560 and when he sits down he falls asleep. 262 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,360 He's not fit for purpose. 263 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,720 If I got him off a babysitting agency I'd ring the police. 264 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,000 They're rubbish at looking after them. 265 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:24,080 They're rubbish at looking after them. 266 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,280 A boy or girl you've got? 267 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,120 The girl'd be asleep when you got home 268 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,200 or she'd be up, off her face on Haribo, 269 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,840 crying, watching 'Mama Mia' like mine. 270 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:32,000 I'll pick her up tomorrow. You're picking her up tomorrow? All-nighter? That's how to do it. 271 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:37,640 I'll pick her up tomorrow. You're picking her up tomorrow? All-nighter? That's how to do it. 272 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,880 That's the dream, innit? You got kids? 273 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:40,000 Yeah.How old are you kids? Three and six.A brutal age. 274 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:44,160 Yeah.How old are you kids? Three and six.A brutal age. 275 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,400 Who's got them tonight? My mother.Your mother. 276 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,000 Where's your mum live? It's a weird thing to ask, innit? 277 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:48,920 Where's your mum live? It's a weird thing to ask, innit? 278 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,920 "Where's your mum live?" 279 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,200 She lives seven doors down. Seven doors down. From you? 280 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,000 Yep.Or someone. Everyone does. 281 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:56,120 Yep.Or someone. Everyone does. 282 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,200 I live seven doors down from someone. 283 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,160 That's good, innit? That's your mum. 284 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,000 How do you feel about seven doors down from your mother-in-law, mate? 285 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,360 How do you feel about seven doors down from your mother-in-law, mate? 286 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:12,000 It's alright.A bit under pressure with the camera three centimetres from your face. 287 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:12,320 It's alright.A bit under pressure with the camera three centimetres from your face. 288 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,480 Yeah, tell us what you think about your mother-in-law. 289 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,000 Come on, mate, open up, let us know how it goes. 290 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,000 Yeah. Yeah. This is terrorism now, mate. 291 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:20,560 Yeah. Yeah. This is terrorism now, mate. 292 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,680 D'you love it? Do you love being that close? 293 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,000 Now we've got kids, it's brilliant. Now you've got kids, it's brilliant. Good answer. 294 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,000 Now we've got kids, it's brilliant. Now you've got kids, it's brilliant. Good answer. 295 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:33,320 What was it like before?Dogshit. 296 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:34,640 Dogshit. 297 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,880 Fair enough. "Fucking dogshit." 298 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,000 There's normally one posher side of the couple. 299 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,760 There's normally one posher side of the couple. 300 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,480 In my case, my wife's posher than me. What about you two? 301 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,440 What's going on? I'll give it to her. 302 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,000 You'd give it to her. OK. And who's posher? 303 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:52,640 You'd give it to her. OK. And who's posher? 304 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,200 You're a little bit posher, I can get that. 305 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:00,000 Little bit more decorum. He's a bit more terrorism insurance. 306 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,560 Little bit more decorum. He's a bit more terrorism insurance. 307 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,880 I do get on with the in-laws, but it's a bit awkward, 308 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,920 cos they're quite posh and I'm not. So, for example, 309 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:16,000 growing up, my wife saw Prince William and Prince Harry 310 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,680 growing up, my wife saw Prince William and Prince Harry 311 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:23,480 playing polo, where I as a kid once saw a horse being put in the back of a transit van. 312 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:28,560 That's the different worlds we're from. I knew they were posh 313 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,440 when I got invited on a family holiday to Center Parcs. 314 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:32,000 Cheer if you've been to Center Parcs. Now give me a cheer if you've been in August. 315 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,920 Cheer if you've been to Center Parcs. Now give me a cheer if you've been in August. 316 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,640 That's what I'm talking about. 317 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,600 Different level. 318 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,840 Different breed of human at Center Parcs in August. 319 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,000 Saudi princes knocking about. 320 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:48,720 Saudi princes knocking about. 321 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,240 Jeff Bezos on the rapids. 322 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,000 Elon Musk doing a bit of pitch'n'putt. 323 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:56,480 Elon Musk doing a bit of pitch'n'putt. 324 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,360 Sure, we've all been in February. 325 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:03,200 When it's minus-five and 200 quid. 326 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,680 Your child on a bike, crying, freezing from the cold. 327 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,880 "Just so cold, Mum!" 328 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:12,000 "Stop whingeing, I've saved three grand! 329 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,720 "Stop whingeing, I've saved three grand! 330 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,000 The other giveaway they were posh, I got invited round 331 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,080 The other giveaway they were posh, I got invited round 332 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,640 and she went, "Would you like a cup of tea?" "Go on, then." 333 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,920 "Breakfast or Earl Grey?" I panicked and just had lunch, 334 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:28,000 I didn't know what Earl Grey was. 335 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,240 I didn't know what Earl Grey was. 336 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,400 Then she offered me a Red Bush. I nearly fainted. 337 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:36,000 Calm it down, Theresa, will yer? Only just met. 338 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:40,800 Calm it down, Theresa, will yer? Only just met. 339 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,000 Cos they look after the kids a lot, I try and get them a nice Christmas present 340 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,800 Cos they look after the kids a lot, I try and get them a nice Christmas present 341 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,880 to say thanks. I got 'em a coffee machine. 342 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:52,000 But a proper good one. Delonghi, Costco, grind your own bean. 343 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,280 But a proper good one. Delonghi, Costco, grind your own bean. 344 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,840 We've all got a pod-based system, that's the next level, innit? 345 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:59,320 They can go shopping for coffee beans, go Waitrose, 346 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,000 "Ooh, what shall we have? Ethiopian or Colombian? Mah..." 347 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,840 "Ooh, what shall we have? Ethiopian or Colombian? Mah..." 348 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,000 That is a drink. You're a bit fancy, a bit posh, 349 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:08,600 That is a drink. You're a bit fancy, a bit posh, 350 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,920 what are you doing in the morning? You grinding your bean? 351 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,000 Yeah, I do make my coffee. You do make your coffee. 352 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,440 Yeah, I do make my coffee. You do make your coffee. 353 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:21,680 Fair enough. What about you? Just a bit of Gold Blend up the nose? 354 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:24,000 Nescafe on the gums, ready to go to work? 355 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,920 Nescafe on the gums, ready to go to work? 356 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,000 Oh dear. Daisy, gonna take your coat or bag off or not? 357 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:32,320 Oh dear. Daisy, gonna take your coat or bag off or not? 358 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,560 You can take your coat off if you wanna chill out a bit. 359 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,000 Did you bring that in, that can, or is that...? You smuggled it in? 360 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,920 Did you bring that in, that can, or is that...? You smuggled it in? 361 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,760 Smuggling in your own tinnies. 362 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:48,000 The perfect crime. 363 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,480 The perfect crime. 364 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:54,480 Have you got more in your bag? That why you don't wanna put it down? Yes. 365 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,920 My big night, Daisy's smuggling in drinks. 366 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,040 It's alright, I won't tell anyone. 367 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,000 Keep that between me and you, yeah? 368 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,120 Keep that between me and you, yeah? 369 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,320 Anyway, this coffee machine I bought my in-laws, 370 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:20,000 they didn't want it, unfortunately. I know! Exactly my response. 371 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,880 they didn't want it, unfortunately. I know! Exactly my response. 372 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,360 Got 'em this lovely coffee machine, thought they'd love it. 373 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,520 They said they didn't want it, gonna take it back. 374 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,000 How comes? She said, "We haven't got enough space on the side." 375 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,680 How comes? She said, "We haven't got enough space on the side." 376 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,360 They have got so much fucking side. 377 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,000 Big middle-class kitchen full of side. 378 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:36,760 Big middle-class kitchen full of side. 379 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,960 Nothing out, everything put away. Cos when you're middle-class, 380 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:43,480 it can't look like you live in your own house, that's the rule. 381 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:44,000 It looks like it's for sale at all times. 382 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,920 It looks like it's for sale at all times. 383 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,200 Lou started doing it to me. She went, "Rob, can you put the towels away?" 384 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,000 "I have. They're on the banister. That's where they go." 385 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:52,600 "I have. They're on the banister. That's where they go." 386 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,000 Cos when you're working-class, you never run out of side. The side just gets higher. 387 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,600 Cos when you're working-class, you never run out of side. The side just gets higher. 388 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,680 The top of the coffee machine becomes the new side. 389 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,000 That's where you put your phone and keys. 390 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:08,360 That's where you put your phone and keys. 391 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,920 The rule growing up... we lived in a three-bed terraced house, 392 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,640 if it could fit in the door it was allowed in the house. 393 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:16,000 I've played on fruit machines in the kitchen. 394 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:19,200 I've played on fruit machines in the kitchen. 395 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,880 Jukebox in the hallway. 396 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,840 We had a snooker table in the loft. 397 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,000 Ever played snooker in a loft? Fits width-ways, not height, 398 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,600 Ever played snooker in a loft? Fits width-ways, not height, 399 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,600 everyone crabbing around like a miner. 400 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,000 Love it! Chronic backpain. 401 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,240 Love it! Chronic backpain. 402 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,120 Chronic neck pain. Love snooker in the loft. 403 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,800 45 degrees in summer, minus-20 in winter. Love it. 404 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,640 I said, "Fair enough, if you don't want the coffee machine, 405 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,000 that's fine. But what are you gonna get instead with the money?" 406 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,720 that's fine. But what are you gonna get instead with the money?" 407 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,920 She said, "We're gonna take it back, Rob." 408 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,680 It was the most middle-class conversation I've ever had. 409 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,000 'We're gonna take it back, Rob, so that we can buy 410 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,360 'We're gonna take it back, Rob, so that we can buy 411 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,920 a Le Creuset tagine." 412 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:04,000 I'm stood there, thinking, "I'm gonna have to Google both of them." 413 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:04,160 I'm stood there, thinking, "I'm gonna have to Google both of them." 414 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,880 I'll take my chances on "Le." 415 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,000 I said, "How comes?" 416 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:12,480 I said, "How comes?" 417 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:15,440 She said, "Well, between you and me, Rob, unfortunately 418 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,920 my casserole dish is simply too deep for coq-au-vin." 419 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:24,440 I said, "I don't know how you sleep at night." 420 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:28,000 Too deep for coq-au-vin? How you getting down there? Rope ladder and a ladle? 421 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:28,360 Too deep for coq-au-vin? How you getting down there? Rope ladder and a ladle? 422 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,120 I'd never heard of coq-au-vin till I went to their house for lunch. 423 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,000 She went, "Coq-au-vin." I panicked, went, "Van, please." 424 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,040 She went, "Coq-au-vin." I panicked, went, "Van, please." 425 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,400 Coq-au-vin? Vin for me. 426 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,920 Each to their own, I'm a vin man. 427 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,320 Had coq for lunch, as it goes. 428 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:56,240 Stuffed full of the stuff. Couldn't get another coq in me if you tried. 429 00:19:56,280 --> 00:20:00,000 Vin for me. Give me another 30 years I might scofe it up, but no, vin. 430 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,040 Vin for me. Give me another 30 years I might scofe it up, but no, vin. 431 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:08,000 Thank you so much for coming. I've done Southend so many times 432 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,480 Thank you so much for coming. I've done Southend so many times 433 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,480 and this is the fun bit, you get to do these theatres 434 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,000 full of people, this is the fun bit of the tour. Love it. 435 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:16,680 full of people, this is the fun bit of the tour. Love it. 436 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:20,000 But when you're getting the show together, that's the hard bit. This is the fun bit, 437 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,280 when the rooms are all sold out. 438 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,360 Some of the weird, random places I've been to, 439 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,000 trying to get the show worked out, Maesteg, Redruth, Much Wenlock, 440 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,800 trying to get the show worked out, Maesteg, Redruth, Much Wenlock, 441 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,680 places I haven't heard of since I went there, 442 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,000 like they were invented by the promoter. 443 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,120 like they were invented by the promoter. 444 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,600 I did a gig in a place called Uffculme. 445 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,400 Anyone? 446 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,000 Anyone know Uffculme? No? Devon. 447 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,360 Anyone know Uffculme? No? Devon. 448 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,080 In Devon, correct. Have you been? 449 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:47,240 Yeah.Yeah? Are you sure you're not thinking of Ilfracombe? 450 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,000 Cos that's where I thought I was going. 451 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,360 Cos that's where I thought I was going. 452 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,560 There is nothing in Uffculme. 453 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,000 I got the train to Barnstaple, got out the station, 454 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,120 I got the train to Barnstaple, got out the station, 455 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:00,120 went to the cab driver. "Hello, mate, I need to go to Uffculme." 456 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,040 He went, "Never heard of it." "We're fucked. 457 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,960 If you don't know, who does?" 458 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:11,480 In the end he got an A to Z out. I've not seen an A to Z 459 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:12,000 for about 20 years. I mean, young people in tonight... Any 18-year-olds in? 460 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,600 for about 20 years. I mean, young people in tonight... Any 18-year-olds in? 461 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,520 Anyone in young?21. 462 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,000 Are you 21? What's your name, mate? 463 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:20,520 Are you 21? What's your name, mate? 464 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,800 Matt. Matt. Do you know what an A to Z is? 465 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,240 I've heard of it. You've heard of it. 466 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:26,720 Like the Battle of Hastings. 467 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,960 Battle of Hastings, Great Fire of London... 468 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:33,480 .. A to Z. 469 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,000 Basically, imagine if someone printed off Google Maps 470 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,480 Basically, imagine if someone printed off Google Maps 471 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,960 and put it in a book. That's what it is. 472 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,000 What about Teletext? Know Teletext? Yeah, you know Teletext? 473 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:44,360 What about Teletext? Know Teletext? Yeah, you know Teletext? 474 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,040 Yeah. Do you know what this is about? 475 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:05,400 That was the internet, Matt. 476 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:08,000 56k mandem modem. 477 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,240 56k mandem modem. 478 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:14,800 Only the OGs know 56k. 479 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,200 That's when the computer was as big as a fridge 480 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,960 and it lived in the front room. 481 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,000 You had to wait for everyone to go to bed before you had a wank, Matt. 482 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:24,080 You had to wait for everyone to go to bed before you had a wank, Matt. 483 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,640 You here with your mum? Sorry. 484 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,400 You was only allowed on the internet after six and at weekends, 485 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,000 cos that's when it was free. And if your mum picked up the landline, 486 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:40,960 cos that's when it was free. And if your mum picked up the landline, 487 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,280 the internet stopped. 488 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,800 That's how powerful mums were in the '90s. 489 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:48,000 That's why Karens have got such big energy. 490 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,640 That's why Karens have got such big energy. 491 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,960 They used to run the internet. Now what have they got? 492 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,040 Crew cut and hoop earrings, that's it. 493 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,800 We find Uffculme in the A to Z. We drive for 50 minutes 494 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,000 and there is nothing, just fields. No animals, no people, 495 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:12,840 and there is nothing, just fields. No animals, no people, 496 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,680 no houses, no wind. Nothing. 497 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:20,000 We turn a corner, there's a theatre there for no reason whatsoever. 498 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:20,440 We turn a corner, there's a theatre there for no reason whatsoever. 499 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,960 Like National Lottery funding that got out of hand. 500 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:25,960 They built the theatre, forgot the town. 501 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:28,000 There was 100 people in there, I don't know where they came from. 502 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,200 There was 100 people in there, I don't know where they came from. 503 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:32,920 I don't know if they're still there. 504 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,000 I just spoke at 'em for an hour and left. 505 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:36,960 I just spoke at 'em for an hour and left. 506 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,680 The only thing I realised was, I was calling it Oof-culme, 507 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,000 cos it's U-F-F-C-U-L-M-E. 508 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:44,880 cos it's U-F-F-C-U-L-M-E. 509 00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:47,400 "No, it's Uff-culme. Uff-culme." 510 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,640 I think Uffculme's worse than Oofculme. 511 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,000 I'd rather be from, you know, Oofculme than Uffculme. 512 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,680 I'd rather be from, you know, Oofculme than Uffculme. 513 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:57,760 'Uffculme' sounds like a northerner when they've prematurely ejaculated. 514 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:08,000 "Ah, no...!" 515 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,280 "Ah, no...!" 516 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:15,360 "Ah, no...!" 517 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,600 "Ah, no...!" 518 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:20,600 "Uff culme!" 519 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,000 I slag my in-laws off a lot in this show 520 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:40,000 and the only reason I'm allowed to do that 521 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,360 and the only reason I'm allowed to do that 522 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,280 is if I slag off my family now. 523 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,840 That was the trade-off I had with Lou. 524 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,000 I'm from a very large family in southeast London. 525 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,400 I'm from a very large family in southeast London. 526 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,440 I've got hundreds of cousins. 527 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:54,440 My mum and dad between them have got about eight, nine siblings. 528 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,000 Nan and Granddad have got about 35 altogether. 529 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,320 Nan and Granddad have got about 35 altogether. 530 00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:59,960 I've got cousins fucking everywhere. 531 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:04,000 And I've got some lovely family. Mum and Dad, brothers, Aunty Tina, 532 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:04,680 And I've got some lovely family. Mum and Dad, brothers, Aunty Tina, 533 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:09,480 good as gold. However I'm also related to some absolute scum. 534 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:12,000 Filth. Horrendous mob. 535 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,240 Filth. Horrendous mob. 536 00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:18,760 People go to me, "Bet you want to do that 'Who Do You Think You Are.'" 537 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:19,800 No. 538 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,680 No, I do not. Because I know who I am. 539 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,400 And I don't want anyone else to. 540 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:32,320 That'd be a terrible episode. "OK, Rob, we're off to Belmarsh Prison 541 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:33,600 and Crayford dog track." 542 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,320 Fingers crossed, I'm related to a dog. 543 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,880 The problem with having so much family 544 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:44,000 is, I can't go to the Kent coast on a bank holiday weekend, 545 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,920 is, I can't go to the Kent coast on a bank holiday weekend, 546 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,560 cos I'm related to half the beach. 547 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:52,000 It's like a family reunion. It's like Friends Reunited. 548 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,720 It's like a family reunion. It's like Friends Reunited. 549 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,800 Yeah? Which was a website for old people, Matt. 550 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,000 Facebook for old people. 551 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:00,400 Facebook for old people. 552 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,240 If I go down to the beach down in Kent, 553 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,000 it's just full of my family. And you know they're my family, 554 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:08,560 it's just full of my family. And you know they're my family, 555 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:12,160 same mouths, different heights, all the way along. 556 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,600 "Hello, Rob, you good? What's your mum up to these days? Your dad still at that firm? 557 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:16,000 Where is Romesh? Heh-heh." 558 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,640 Where is Romesh? Heh-heh." 559 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,200 All the way along the beach. 560 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,000 My extended family are actually the White Cliffs of Dover. 561 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,800 My extended family are actually the White Cliffs of Dover. 562 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:32,000 It's just an illusion. 563 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:32,080 It's just an illusion. 564 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:38,680 Some of the weddings I went to, growing up, oh my life... Brutal. 565 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:40,000 I swerve a lot of them now, you do that as you get older. 566 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,360 I swerve a lot of them now, you do that as you get older. 567 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,040 You swerve some of the wrong 'uns. 568 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:46,960 No? Don't you? Maybe you're the wrong 'uns. 569 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,080 Don't know where I stand on that. 570 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,640 Some of the weddings I went to, growing up... Anyone here 571 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:56,000 been to a wedding where you have to take a ham? 572 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,640 been to a wedding where you have to take a ham? 573 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,000 Taking a ham to a wedding. 574 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:04,160 Taking a ham to a wedding. 575 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:07,920 Basically, there was a wedding every weekend. Sometimes the same bride. 576 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,000 And cos there was so many family that had to be invited, 577 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,800 And cos there was so many family that had to be invited, 578 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:17,360 you couldn't afford to feed all of them. So you'd get a pub function room 579 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:20,000 and then all the families would bring something for the buffet. 580 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:20,400 and then all the families would bring something for the buffet. 581 00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,920 Someone would do the ham, someone would do potatoes, 582 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,400 someone would do salad. And I don't wanna show off, 583 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:28,000 but being in charge of the ham was quite a big deal. 584 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:28,720 but being in charge of the ham was quite a big deal. 585 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:31,240 "We'll do the gammon. 586 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:34,320 Dave's had a few Heathrow airport runs in the cab, 587 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:35,840 we're doing alright. 588 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,680 We'll take the ham this week, no biggie. 589 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:42,720 Sue's boiling it in Coca-Cola, she's ready to go." 590 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:47,800 That was a big mum trend about 15 years ago, 591 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,800 the old Coca-Cola-boiled ham. 592 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:59,520 "We done the ham. We got the ham. We did the ham. No biggie. 593 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:00,000 Yeah, we're doing alright, we got the ham." 594 00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,560 Yeah, we're doing alright, we got the ham." 595 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,960 Then some cousin you've not seen for years, married someone rich, bowls in. 596 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:06,360 He's got a poached salmon. 597 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:14,560 Cucumber sliced up on it to look like scales. In a dish the shape of a fish 598 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:16,000 in case I didn't know what I was fucking eating. 599 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:16,800 in case I didn't know what I was fucking eating. 600 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:24,000 "Thanks for that mate, didn't know what that pink thing that stunk of fish was. 601 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:24,160 "Thanks for that mate, didn't know what that pink thing that stunk of fish was. 602 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:25,200 Salmon, is it? 603 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,400 I'll get a pig bowl for my ham next time, shall I? 604 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:30,440 Little Percy Pig face. 605 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:35,440 Percy there, so we know what meat I'm guzzling down." 606 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:40,000 There's always one complete wrong 'un in the family. 607 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,600 There's always one complete wrong 'un in the family. 608 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:46,480 Everyone hates him, owes everyone money, never had a job. Whinges. 609 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,000 Absolute piece of shit. 610 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:48,360 Absolute piece of shit. 611 00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:51,560 Complete disgrace. 612 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:55,600 St George's cross on his Facebook profile pic. 613 00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:58,640 For the wrong reasons. 614 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:03,280 He bowls in late. He's in charge of crisps. 615 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:09,840 What a loser. How shit are you doing at life to be at the bottom rung 616 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:10,960 of this wedding? 617 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:14,400 He bowls in late, six kids, not even all of them, 618 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,000 just the ones he can remember to pick up. 619 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:20,000 He's got one tube of Pringles. 620 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:20,400 He's got one tube of Pringles. 621 00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:24,920 Come on, mate, you know that ain't enough crisps. 622 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,000 That's not enough crisps for the kids you've brought. 623 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:28,480 That's not enough crisps for the kids you've brought. 624 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:31,560 He's, "I can't afford it, can I? I'm skint, ain't got no money. 625 00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:34,240 It's alright for you with your ham. I'm skint, ain't got no money. 626 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:35,960 I'm skint at the moment. 627 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,320 Ain't got a pot to piss in, me. 628 00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:44,000 You know I can't get a job, I struggle with my mood, 629 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:44,160 You know I can't get a job, I struggle with my mood, 630 00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:45,600 I can't get up in the morning." 631 00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,280 On his 40th cigarette of the morning... 632 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:52,000 "Ain't got no money, have I?" Blowing smoke all over the buffet. 633 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:54,960 "Ain't got no money, have I?" Blowing smoke all over the buffet. 634 00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:00,000 "That ham's already smoked, you chavvy bastard. 635 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,200 "That ham's already smoked, you chavvy bastard. 636 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:07,200 Have a puff on his salmon." 637 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:13,880 Everyone smoked when I was a kid. 638 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:16,000 I sort of forgot smoking existed in lockdown, 639 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:16,200 I sort of forgot smoking existed in lockdown, 640 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,560 cos me and Lou don't smoke and the kids ain't started yet. 641 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:24,000 I forgot it was a thing! It was when I was on an aeroplane 642 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:24,200 I forgot it was a thing! It was when I was on an aeroplane 643 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:27,520 after lockdown, I got reminded by the No Smoking sign. 644 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:32,000 I just thought, "Oh, yeah, smoking." Second, "Who's that for? 645 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:32,440 I just thought, "Oh, yeah, smoking." Second, "Who's that for? 646 00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,400 Who don't know yet? 647 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:38,800 Who don't know it's no smoking on a plane?" 648 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:40,000 Just one geezer at the back... "Since when?! 649 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:42,200 Just one geezer at the back... "Since when?! 650 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,800 These Covid rules are fucking mental! 651 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:51,840 Absolute joke, mate." 652 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,400 You might as well have a No Barbecue sign up there. 653 00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:01,000 For the one bloke at the back of a flight with a disposable from Asda. 654 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:04,000 "You what? 655 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:04,720 "You what? 656 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:07,160 Since when?! 657 00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:11,200 Can't have a barbecue on holiday?! Fucking Brexit. 658 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:15,320 Angela Merkel's not telling me what I can eat." 659 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:19,400 Might as well have a No Wanking sign. 660 00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:20,000 "What, no wanking, is it? Sorry. I've not flown since Covid. 661 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:23,520 "What, no wanking, is it? Sorry. I've not flown since Covid. 662 00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:25,000 New normal. No wanking. 663 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:28,000 I've got me triple booster. Is that enough? No? Fair enough. 664 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:30,120 I've got me triple booster. Is that enough? No? Fair enough. 665 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:36,000 Getting used to the new normal. I'll go the toilet like everyone else, fair enough." 666 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:36,840 Getting used to the new normal. I'll go the toilet like everyone else, fair enough." 667 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:41,640 Brutal. 668 00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:43,880 Feel sorry for smokers, it's hard being a smoker. 669 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:44,000 Any smokers in? 670 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:45,200 Any smokers in? 671 00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:47,560 Couple. I know there's a few more. 672 00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:50,840 You can't admit to it any more. You're sort of outcasts. 673 00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:52,000 You get treated so badly, innit? Cigarette? Get outside. 674 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,200 You get treated so badly, innit? Cigarette? Get outside. 675 00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:56,000 Get in the street. 676 00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:59,480 Piss off round the corner, fuck off, get out. 677 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:00,000 Get treated like a dog. Yargh! 678 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:01,600 Get treated like a dog. Yargh! 679 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:07,960 It's brutal out there for smokers. You don't get the respect you deserve. 680 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:11,880 The commitment level you have for smoking is unparalleled. 681 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:15,120 I respect your hustle. They're not allowed to advertise 682 00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:16,000 anymore. You just have to remember. 683 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:17,400 anymore. You just have to remember. 684 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,000 That's impressive. Innit? 685 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,000 No adverts. You go down the shop and they've hidden them. 686 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:25,560 No adverts. You go down the shop and they've hidden them. 687 00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:29,600 No posters, no signage, 688 00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:32,000 it's just a tobacco Easter egg hunt in the shop. 689 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:33,200 it's just a tobacco Easter egg hunt in the shop. 690 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:37,280 Wandering around. Where was it? Where do they sell it? 691 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:40,000 Oh, I remember, it's at the front. They hid it cos it's bad, 692 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:40,320 Oh, I remember, it's at the front. They hid it cos it's bad, 693 00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:45,040 they've hidden it behind the scratch cards, cos they're fine. 694 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:48,000 What trouble has gambling done? Can't see a cigarette, 695 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:49,600 What trouble has gambling done? Can't see a cigarette, 696 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:51,560 little leprechaun fella, "Give us a tenner?" 697 00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:59,920 Then you buy the cigarettes. It's 48 quid for three. 698 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:04,000 It's not stopped you. Still ploughing on. Respect. 699 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:04,360 It's not stopped you. Still ploughing on. Respect. 700 00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:09,600 Massive respect. You get the cigarette, on it the most disgusting photo 701 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,120 you have ever seen. 702 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:16,760 Some sort of rotting flesh. Mouth, lung, arsehole, who knows? 703 00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:20,000 Don't give a shit, mate, I'm a smoker. I'm going in. 704 00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:20,120 Don't give a shit, mate, I'm a smoker. I'm going in. 705 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:23,160 And then you plough on. Any smokers? 706 00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:28,000 Ey! I'd shake your hands if I could. Big, crusty, yellow hands. 707 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:28,080 Ey! I'd shake your hands if I could. Big, crusty, yellow hands. 708 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:29,320 Good on yer. 709 00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:32,880 Don't let the haters get you down. Good on yer. 710 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:35,720 I'll come round your house, big, smelly, yellow curtains. 711 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:36,000 Good on yer. 712 00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:36,760 Good on yer. 713 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,520 Like living in a beehive. 714 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:44,000 Big ol' crusty talon fingers. Come here! Piss off, man! 715 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:45,600 Big ol' crusty talon fingers. Come here! Piss off, man! 716 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:49,840 Good on yer. Don't let the haters get you down. 717 00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:52,000 People say, "You shouldn't say that, Rob, smoking is bad for your health. 718 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:55,640 People say, "You shouldn't say that, Rob, smoking is bad for your health. 719 00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:57,800 It's bad for your lungs." You know what? 720 00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:00,000 Running marathons is bad for your knees. 721 00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:00,240 Running marathons is bad for your knees. 722 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:05,720 At least I don't have to sponsor you to smoke. 723 00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:08,000 Cos I'm sick of that, sick of the Marathon. 724 00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:11,080 Cos I'm sick of that, sick of the Marathon. 725 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:14,600 30 quid down at the end of the week cos your mate wants to go for a jog? 726 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:21,480 Really? You try and swerve it, you think, I'll just swerve him. 727 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,000 I won't go to that pub again. Before you know it, 728 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:24,160 I won't go to that pub again. Before you know it, 729 00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:27,240 you're on a WhatsApp group with everyone you've ever known. 730 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:30,040 There's no escape. You donate. 30 quid. 731 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:32,000 It says, "Would you like to donate anonymously?" No. 732 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:34,280 It says, "Would you like to donate anonymously?" No. 733 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:39,560 I really wouldn't like that. 734 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:40,000 I want everybody to know what I have done. 735 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,800 I want everybody to know what I have done. 736 00:34:43,240 --> 00:34:45,640 Rob Beckett, caps lock, begrudgingly. 737 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:52,280 There's always someone running a marathon. "I bet it's difficult, running the Marathon." Is it? 738 00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:53,640 Looks quite busy to me. 739 00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:56,000 Nothing that hard should have a queue at the start, should it? 740 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:58,280 Nothing that hard should have a queue at the start, should it? 741 00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:04,000 There's loads of skinny blokes going through a divorce running. 742 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:04,880 There's loads of skinny blokes going through a divorce running. 743 00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:07,360 I'd run it too if I lived in their house, looks like hard work. 744 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:12,000 "Oh, but it's for charity, Rob. I'm doing it for charity, not for me." 745 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:12,920 "Oh, but it's for charity, Rob. I'm doing it for charity, not for me." 746 00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:15,720 Yeah, come on, turn it in. It's for you. 747 00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:18,480 So you'll feel good about yourself. 748 00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:20,000 So you can put your little Facebook/Instagram picture up. 749 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:21,600 So you can put your little Facebook/Instagram picture up. 750 00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:23,680 "Ooh, did it! Got a medal! 751 00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:28,000 Finally did it! Marathon done! 752 00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:28,320 Finally did it! Marathon done! 753 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,120 LDN Marathon complete. Tick." 754 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:36,000 You're not doing it for charity. If you're really doing it for charity, 755 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:39,120 here's 30 quid to run it, 100 quid to have a shit on the finish line. 756 00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:44,000 I don't know if vaping's any better for you. Anyone vaping? 757 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:46,840 I don't know if vaping's any better for you. Anyone vaping? 758 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,440 What flavour are you on? 759 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,000 What was that? "Cher-ee." OK, thank you. 760 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:52,960 What was that? "Cher-ee." OK, thank you. 761 00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,760 Thank you very much indeed. "Cher-ee." 762 00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:00,000 I think you started the Essex accent, personally. 763 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:00,920 I think you started the Essex accent, personally. 764 00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:04,040 Cher-ee. Thank you. OK. 765 00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:07,200 See, my problem with vapes, it looks weird. 766 00:36:07,240 --> 00:36:08,000 Looks like you're sucking off a USB stick. 767 00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:10,320 Looks like you're sucking off a USB stick. 768 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:13,560 Odd. Some sort of technology kink. 769 00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:22,360 And there's too much of it. You can't talk to anyone. 770 00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:24,000 It's too... "You going away this summer? 771 00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:26,160 It's too... "You going away this summer? 772 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:27,800 Where's he gone?" 773 00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:31,920 Like having a catch-up with Houdini. 774 00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:39,040 The worst is when you walk down the high street. If you're behind someone vaping, 775 00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:40,000 you've not got a chance. It's like being stuck behind the Polar Express. 776 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:44,280 you've not got a chance. It's like being stuck behind the Polar Express. 777 00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:46,200 Zero visibility. 778 00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,400 'in hell! Leave it out, will yer?! 779 00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:53,640 Thank God I played snooker in that loft. 780 00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:58,800 I only know where I am cos I can smell lush. 781 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:12,000 Roll-ups are slightly better. I don't know, they creep me out. 782 00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:12,240 Roll-ups are slightly better. I don't know, they creep me out. 783 00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:15,960 Weird, innit, roll-ups? Sort of, it's a big smug. 784 00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:18,720 "Oh, I can make it better, actually. 785 00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:20,000 I could make it better than the billion-dollar companies with my little technique." 786 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:24,760 I could make it better than the billion-dollar companies with my little technique." 787 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:28,000 You also look a bit like a camp T-Rex when you're doing it. 788 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:28,200 You also look a bit like a camp T-Rex when you're doing it. 789 00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:41,120 And I think there's an age limit on rollups. If you're over 60, 790 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:44,000 like that, you just look like a paedophile. 791 00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:44,400 like that, you just look like a paedophile. 792 00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:48,000 Immediately my paedar goes off. Paedo. 793 00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,000 It's horrible. Quite intimate, isn't it, a roll-up? 794 00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:53,080 It's horrible. Quite intimate, isn't it, a roll-up? 795 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:56,840 Bit more. Always so near their face. 796 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:00,000 Bit more. 797 00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:00,160 Bit more. 798 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,640 And the worst bit is when they're nearly finished, 799 00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:07,600 you know they're nearly finished... 800 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:23,280 Not ready yet, I'd like a bit more, actually. 801 00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,760 Little bit more. Little bit more. Ready now. 802 00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:36,240 Urgh! 803 00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:38,840 What is that, you fucking lizard of a man? 804 00:38:45,720 --> 00:38:47,520 It's like a human typewriter. 805 00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:52,440 Like a computer for old people, Matt. 806 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:02,720 Don't mind if students smoke roll-ups, they're skint, 807 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:04,000 but normally it's posh students. I hate posh students that pretend to be poor 808 00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:06,320 but normally it's posh students. I hate posh students that pretend to be poor 809 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:08,280 when they get to uni, for a bit of edge. 810 00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:12,000 "I've got no money, crazy, isn't it? It's a nightmare. God, it's shit, isn't it, having no money?" 811 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:14,320 "I've got no money, crazy, isn't it? It's a nightmare. God, it's shit, isn't it, having no money?" 812 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:20,000 They're in their dad's holey Barbour jacket. "It's a bloody nightmare. 813 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:20,800 They're in their dad's holey Barbour jacket. "It's a bloody nightmare. 814 00:39:20,840 --> 00:39:25,600 I haven't got money for a flight to our place in France this year. It's crazy." 815 00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:28,000 They smoke roll-ups for a bit of edge. You see that. 816 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:29,920 They smoke roll-ups for a bit of edge. You see that. 817 00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:33,960 I see them at music festivals a lot. "Hey, man, got a skin? A rolly? 818 00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:36,000 Hey, man, wanna roll it up and smoke. Got a skin? 819 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:37,400 Hey, man, wanna roll it up and smoke. Got a skin? 820 00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:38,800 Hey, man, got a skin?" 821 00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:42,880 "I got fore, but I don't think you wanna smoke it, mate. 822 00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:51,880 I'd like to see you roll it, if I'm honest with you. 823 00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:57,400 You've got no chance. Like the back of a puppy's neck down there." 824 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:05,000 Not the same size, obviously. Wider, unfortunately for me. 825 00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:08,000 The old hockey-puck fuck, they call me. 826 00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:08,560 The old hockey-puck fuck, they call me. 827 00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:10,360 Sorry, Mum. Sorry about that. 828 00:40:14,240 --> 00:40:16,000 They are funny, though, foreskins, let's be honest. 829 00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:17,880 They are funny, though, foreskins, let's be honest. 830 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:20,600 It's a divided world at the moment, but I think we can all agree 831 00:40:20,640 --> 00:40:23,440 the foreskin's a funny little fella. 832 00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:24,000 Some sort of weird leftover elbow thing, innit? 833 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,360 Some sort of weird leftover elbow thing, innit? 834 00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:30,600 What the fuck is that on the end of that? 835 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:32,000 Sad little slug of a thing. 836 00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:33,240 Sad little slug of a thing. 837 00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:38,120 It always looks like it's just been told off, don't it? 838 00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:42,640 The foreskin's, "I'm sorry. 839 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:47,840 Sorry I look like this. 840 00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:51,360 I don't wanna look like this either! 841 00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:55,440 I'm so sad. Used to be so proud!" 842 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:04,000 What I'm trying to get at is, smoking's not good for yer. 843 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:04,120 What I'm trying to get at is, smoking's not good for yer. 844 00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:07,120 That's my point. 845 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:16,840 You've got to look after your health. I had to go to the doctor last summer 846 00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,760 for my first ever medical finger up the bum. 847 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:20,000 Anyone had a medical finger up the bum? 848 00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:22,640 Anyone had a medical finger up the bum? 849 00:41:22,680 --> 00:41:25,080 Yeah? Just a couple of us. Fair enough. 850 00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:28,000 It's coming for you, blokes, it's sort of the rules of ageing. 851 00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:28,840 It's coming for you, blokes, it's sort of the rules of ageing. 852 00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:33,800 But anyway, it's all fine after the check-up. 853 00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:36,000 Basically, what happened was, you just can't go out on the piss 854 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:37,440 Basically, what happened was, you just can't go out on the piss 855 00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:40,960 for three months solid during the Euros and eat chicken by a bin and get away with it. 856 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:50,040 There will be repercussions to your body. 857 00:41:50,080 --> 00:41:52,000 But I've been healthier and it's all sorted now. 858 00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:55,280 I went in to see the doctor. It was an Asian doctor, 859 00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:58,560 which is difficult for me, means I have to talk to him about Romesh for half an hour. 860 00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:05,960 Don't get me wrong, I love Romesh, but I don't wanna talk about him 861 00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:07,600 pre, post or during a fingering. 862 00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:11,480 That's just me. 863 00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:16,000 Quite enjoyed the awkwardness there, where you thought I'd gone racist out of nowhere about Asian doctors. 864 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:19,640 Quite enjoyed the awkwardness there, where you thought I'd gone racist out of nowhere about Asian doctors. 865 00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:24,000 "We was all having a laugh, then Rob went a little bit..." 866 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:24,040 "We was all having a laugh, then Rob went a little bit..." 867 00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:26,520 Anyway, so I was sat there. Lovely doctor. 868 00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:28,680 But I weren't really listening to him. All I was doing 869 00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:30,720 was trying to work out how big his fingers were. 870 00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:36,320 Weighing 'em up from afar. 871 00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:40,000 Anyway he gets me on the bed, I'm facing the wall, 872 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:40,840 Anyway he gets me on the bed, I'm facing the wall, 873 00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:44,600 lying on my side, trousers and pants down by my ankles, right? 874 00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:46,520 Like first night in prison. 875 00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:53,600 I'm laying there for him to do it. I heard the squeeze of lube. 876 00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:56,000 Don't "er" that, you want lube, you nutters. 877 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:56,240 Don't "er" that, you want lube, you nutters. 878 00:42:58,560 --> 00:43:03,320 Who's going in bareback and dry with a doctor for the first time? 879 00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:04,000 Some absolute geezer. "Don't you namby-pamby me, 880 00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:05,880 Some absolute geezer. "Don't you namby-pamby me, 881 00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:08,880 put the lube away, put your finger up there and let me get back to work." 882 00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:18,520 You want lube. Lube's your best friend in that situation. 883 00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:20,000 As he squeezes the lube, I hear the door burst open. 884 00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:21,640 As he squeezes the lube, I hear the door burst open. 885 00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:24,760 Receptionist bowls in, because at some point 886 00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:28,000 during lockdown, receptionists of GPs were put in charge of the whole of the NHS. 887 00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:29,800 during lockdown, receptionists of GPs were put in charge of the whole of the NHS. 888 00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:35,520 Their attitude is mental. They just do what they want! 889 00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:36,000 They're still shouting at us through a window at our doctor. 890 00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,680 They're still shouting at us through a window at our doctor. 891 00:43:38,720 --> 00:43:41,200 "No, online appointments only!" 892 00:43:43,720 --> 00:43:44,000 "Can't I ring up?" "Yes, you can, between 7.01 and 7.03 893 00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:47,480 "Can't I ring up?" "Yes, you can, between 7.01 and 7.03 894 00:43:47,520 --> 00:43:48,600 every other Thursday." 895 00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:55,640 "I've got a rash!" "You can take a photo of it." "I can't reach!" 896 00:43:59,240 --> 00:44:00,000 She left after chatting about someone's prescription. 897 00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:02,240 She left after chatting about someone's prescription. 898 00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:05,840 I know what you're thinking, "How did you know she was there?" I could feel the breeze. 899 00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:12,600 I'm laying there and I'm waiting for him to go in. 900 00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:16,000 I was expecting... a shallow and slow procedure. 901 00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:19,080 I was expecting... a shallow and slow procedure. 902 00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:29,680 I couldn't have been more wrong. It was deep and it was fast! 903 00:44:30,720 --> 00:44:32,000 He went in and span me around like I'm on a fucking Waltzer. 904 00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:34,720 He went in and span me around like I'm on a fucking Waltzer. 905 00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:40,000 I didn't know what day of the week it was! I was like a basketball 906 00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:40,960 I didn't know what day of the week it was! I was like a basketball 907 00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:42,520 on a Harlem Globetrotter's finger! 908 00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:48,000 Like them inflatable geezers outside the carwash. 909 00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:49,320 Like them inflatable geezers outside the carwash. 910 00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:58,400 He goes, "While I'm up here I'll check the prostate." 911 00:44:58,440 --> 00:45:00,960 "You're not nipping to the shops, mate, get on with it!" 912 00:45:06,720 --> 00:45:09,160 Anyway, I've got the all-clear, it's all fine. 913 00:45:09,200 --> 00:45:12,000 But he's booked me in twice a week for the next six months. 914 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:13,000 But he's booked me in twice a week for the next six months. 915 00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:18,280 New NHS guidelines. He comes to me. Don't even have to go to the surgery. Good guy. 916 00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:25,000 I hope... I think that my generation will talk about that stuff 917 00:45:25,040 --> 00:45:27,200 a bit more openly, where the older generation don't. 918 00:45:27,240 --> 00:45:28,000 My dad, he's in his 70s, geezer from southeast London, 919 00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:30,400 My dad, he's in his 70s, geezer from southeast London, 920 00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:33,960 "Nah, I am not having someone put their finger up me. 921 00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:36,000 Nothing is going in me. I'd rather be dead. 922 00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:36,720 Nothing is going in me. I'd rather be dead. 923 00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:40,400 Not gonna happen. Back off, Doc." 924 00:45:44,880 --> 00:45:48,080 They're getting older, my parents. My dad's 78, my mum's 68. 925 00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:52,000 Ten-year age gap, disgusting, innit? Slash legend, 926 00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:52,040 Ten-year age gap, disgusting, innit? Slash legend, 927 00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:54,360 however you're looking at it. 928 00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:58,880 They met when they were 19. My mum was 19, let's get that clear. 929 00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:08,000 It's a nightmare having old parents. It's like a vintage car, 930 00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:09,320 It's a nightmare having old parents. It's like a vintage car, 931 00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:11,320 there's always something going wrong with them. 932 00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:14,480 I just put 'em in the garage now, get 'em out in April, hose 'em down. 933 00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:20,320 I rung home the other, spoke to my mum. My mum answers. 934 00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:22,880 My mum rings me. My dad never answers or rings me. 935 00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:24,000 If my phone rings and it says 'Dad,' 936 00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:25,720 If my phone rings and it says 'Dad,' 937 00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:28,760 either two things have happened. My mum's phone's died 938 00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,200 or she's died. 939 00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:38,920 I rung home. "Hello, Mum, how's it going?" "Yeah, all good. 940 00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:40,000 How are you?" "Yeah, not bad. Where's Dad?" "Oh, he's in the cab." 941 00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:42,320 How are you?" "Yeah, not bad. Where's Dad?" "Oh, he's in the cab." 942 00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:46,560 "Oh, is he at work, cabbing?" "No, he's just sat in the cab." 943 00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:48,000 "What, sat in the cab outside the house?" "Yeah." "Why?" 944 00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:49,920 "What, sat in the cab outside the house?" "Yeah." "Why?" 945 00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:52,120 She goes, "He don't feel well." 946 00:46:55,240 --> 00:46:56,000 "That don't explain it, Mum. Why is he doing that?" 947 00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:58,360 "That don't explain it, Mum. Why is he doing that?" 948 00:46:58,400 --> 00:47:02,040 "Well, his life insurance pays out more if he dies at work." 949 00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:12,000 So now, if my dad don't feel well... 950 00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:13,000 So now, if my dad don't feel well... 951 00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:18,200 .. he sits in his cab until he feels better. 952 00:47:18,240 --> 00:47:19,240 Or dies. 953 00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:26,240 He had to have his cataracts done the other day. 954 00:47:26,280 --> 00:47:28,000 He's like Trigger's broom, I don't know what's left of his. 955 00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:28,800 He's like Trigger's broom, I don't know what's left of his. 956 00:47:32,160 --> 00:47:36,000 I had to pick him up from hospital. He had both eyes done the same day, 957 00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:36,320 I had to pick him up from hospital. He had both eyes done the same day, 958 00:47:36,360 --> 00:47:38,400 which I didn't think was allowed, personally. 959 00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:41,160 I thought they'd do one eye, send you home, do the other one. 960 00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:44,000 He came out, couldn't see a thing. Stumbling about like that. 961 00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:44,800 He came out, couldn't see a thing. Stumbling about like that. 962 00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:48,200 Anyway, I get him in the car. I've got Gabrielle playing, to try and lift the mood. 963 00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:54,400 I thought they were doing one. 964 00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:58,840 If I knew they were doing both, I'd have put a bit of Stevie on. 965 00:47:58,880 --> 00:48:00,000 Bit of Bocelli on the A10. 966 00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:01,280 Bit of Bocelli on the A10. 967 00:48:04,760 --> 00:48:08,000 Anyway, we're driving home. Driving home. 968 00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:08,720 Anyway, we're driving home. Driving home. 969 00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:11,240 I'm not a very good driver, only ever learned automatic, 970 00:48:11,280 --> 00:48:14,120 my dad has driven all his life, lorries, trucks, tankers, 971 00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:16,000 vans. He loves it. He's a bit ashamed I never did gears. 972 00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:17,520 vans. He loves it. He's a bit ashamed I never did gears. 973 00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:21,800 I wind him up at roundabouts, pretending I don't know what's happening. I go, 974 00:48:21,840 --> 00:48:24,000 "Dad, I don't know what to do. I'll get in the middle, wait for someone to come on the inside 975 00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:25,440 "Dad, I don't know what to do. I'll get in the middle, wait for someone to come on the inside 976 00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:28,480 and then accelerate and scream. Is that right?" 977 00:48:28,520 --> 00:48:31,120 He's sat there, can't see a thing. We're driving home. 978 00:48:31,160 --> 00:48:32,000 We get to the family home. He parked his taxi round the corner 979 00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:34,800 We get to the family home. He parked his taxi round the corner 980 00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:38,120 the night before. I'm trying to reverse-park into the space outside our house. 981 00:48:38,160 --> 00:48:40,000 OK? Just so he can get straight in. I'm struggling. 982 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:40,160 OK? Just so he can get straight in. I'm struggling. 983 00:48:40,200 --> 00:48:42,960 He's parked in this space for the last 30 years. 984 00:48:43,000 --> 00:48:45,080 I'm half in, half out. Can't do it. 985 00:48:45,120 --> 00:48:48,000 Traffic's building. Neighbours are watching and heckling. 986 00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:48,080 Traffic's building. Neighbours are watching and heckling. 987 00:48:48,120 --> 00:48:51,200 They're aware of the beef between me and my dad over driving. 988 00:48:51,240 --> 00:48:54,200 In and out, in and out, jutting forward, back and forth. 989 00:48:54,240 --> 00:48:56,000 Eventually he goes, "Get out, I'll do it." 990 00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:56,720 Eventually he goes, "Get out, I'll do it." 991 00:48:59,640 --> 00:49:01,800 I go, "Dad, you can't see!" 992 00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:04,000 He went, "You can, you still can't fucking park it." 993 00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:04,400 He went, "You can, you still can't fucking park it." 994 00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:10,880 So I've got out the car and let him do it. 995 00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:16,200 I got me phone out, filming it, thought it'd be a good TikTok or something. 996 00:49:16,240 --> 00:49:20,000 Anyway, got in the car. I never saw anyone concentrate more. 997 00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:23,160 Pure focus. And he sat there for a moment. 998 00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:27,080 I dunno if it was muscle memory, parking in his space every day, 999 00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:28,000 or he just geezered it in, like, "Have that, you mug. Get in." 1000 00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:30,600 or he just geezered it in, like, "Have that, you mug. Get in." 1001 00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:36,000 But somehow... he had his cataracts done an hour ago, 1002 00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:36,440 But somehow... he had his cataracts done an hour ago, 1003 00:49:36,480 --> 00:49:41,240 he parked it perfectly, first time, even palming it in like that. 1004 00:49:43,720 --> 00:49:44,000 And for no reason whatsoever, looked behind him. 1005 00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:46,480 And for no reason whatsoever, looked behind him. 1006 00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:57,920 He gets out the car, slams the door and goes, "You are an embarrassment." 1007 00:49:57,960 --> 00:50:00,000 Then he walked into next door's garden. 1008 00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:01,080 Then he walked into next door's garden. 1009 00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:16,000 I'm trying to keep healthy. I'm 36, it's sort of a turning point. 1010 00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:16,560 I'm trying to keep healthy. I'm 36, it's sort of a turning point. 1011 00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:18,440 Sort yourself out or just get bigger. 1012 00:50:18,480 --> 00:50:22,000 And I got bigger in lockdown. I ate so much food in lockdown. 1013 00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:24,000 The problem is, when you've got kids, you end up eating their leftovers. 1014 00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:25,840 The problem is, when you've got kids, you end up eating their leftovers. 1015 00:50:25,880 --> 00:50:28,520 I'm on about 57 fishfingers a week. 1016 00:50:30,080 --> 00:50:32,000 I'm like a seagull trapped in my own fucking house. 1017 00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:32,600 I'm like a seagull trapped in my own fucking house. 1018 00:50:36,280 --> 00:50:38,600 Just stood over the bin, going... 1019 00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:41,920 Just different beige shapes. 1020 00:50:43,200 --> 00:50:45,800 Launching the veg in the bin. Fuck off. 1021 00:50:51,560 --> 00:50:54,240 I joined the gym to try and sort myself out, right? 1022 00:50:54,280 --> 00:50:56,000 At the induction, big, ripped geezer, perfect body, 1023 00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:57,680 At the induction, big, ripped geezer, perfect body, 1024 00:50:57,720 --> 00:51:02,440 looked like Cristiano Ronaldo, but thick, couldn't even speak. He even breathed thick. 1025 00:51:02,480 --> 00:51:04,000 You know, some people...? In and out at the same time. 1026 00:51:04,000 --> 00:51:06,360 You know, some people...? In and out at the same time. 1027 00:51:09,160 --> 00:51:11,440 How many lungs has this geezer got? 1028 00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:16,640 Ideally, can we swap heads and go our separate ways? 1029 00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:24,560 "What is it you wanna achieve?" "Look, I'll be honest with you. 1030 00:51:24,600 --> 00:51:26,760 I don't want to run a marathon, I don't want a six-pack. 1031 00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:28,000 All I want from the gym is to be able to drive over a speed-bump 1032 00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:30,640 All I want from the gym is to be able to drive over a speed-bump 1033 00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:33,440 without my tits jiggling. 1034 00:51:40,440 --> 00:51:42,080 That is all I'm here for. 1035 00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:44,000 I don't mind them staying the same size, I just want them hard. 1036 00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:46,160 I don't mind them staying the same size, I just want them hard. 1037 00:51:48,520 --> 00:51:51,600 It's a disgrace at the moment, left tit's going wild, 1038 00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:52,000 the other one's held down by the seatbelt, 1039 00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:53,520 the other one's held down by the seatbelt, 1040 00:51:53,560 --> 00:51:55,840 smacking the mirror, hitting my wife. It's horrible." 1041 00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:02,720 There was a moment when I knew I needed to lose weight. 1042 00:52:02,760 --> 00:52:05,440 I was on holiday in Slovenia, Lake Bled. It's beautiful. 1043 00:52:05,480 --> 00:52:08,000 This island in the middle of a lake, white church, looks like something from Disney. 1044 00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:09,400 This island in the middle of a lake, white church, looks like something from Disney. 1045 00:52:09,440 --> 00:52:12,160 Snow-capped mountains round the edges, amazing. 1046 00:52:12,200 --> 00:52:15,280 There's people getting married, rowing boats, picnics, 1047 00:52:15,320 --> 00:52:16,000 Lou, my wife, sunbathing on this pontoon, 1048 00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:17,560 Lou, my wife, sunbathing on this pontoon, 1049 00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:19,520 Slovenian family next to her. I'm having a swim. 1050 00:52:19,560 --> 00:52:22,480 And I think to myself, "I'm gonna get on that pontoon." 1051 00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:27,400 I don't know where that confidence came from. 1052 00:52:27,440 --> 00:52:30,920 I just saw people on a pontoon, thought, I'm a people, why not me? 1053 00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:36,640 I don't know why I was confident at all, 1054 00:52:36,680 --> 00:52:40,000 because I struggle in a swimming pool sometimes. 1055 00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:40,160 because I struggle in a swimming pool sometimes. 1056 00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:43,480 You go on holiday, it's a new pool, new hotel, you're in the deep end, 1057 00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:45,520 having a swim, and you think to yourself, 1058 00:52:45,560 --> 00:52:48,000 I'm gonna get out of this pool. 1059 00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:53,040 But I'm not swimming to the steps like some sort of fucking virgin. 1060 00:52:53,080 --> 00:52:54,240 No offence, mate. 1061 00:52:56,760 --> 00:53:01,240 I'm swimming to the closest edge, putting my hands on the side, 1062 00:53:01,280 --> 00:53:04,000 pushing up, hopping out, walking off, cos that's who I am. 1063 00:53:04,000 --> 00:53:04,600 pushing up, hopping out, walking off, cos that's who I am. 1064 00:53:07,040 --> 00:53:09,720 But problem is, when you're in the pool, 1065 00:53:09,760 --> 00:53:11,000 and you swim up to the edge, 1066 00:53:11,040 --> 00:53:12,000 you push yourself up, get stuck halfway... 1067 00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:15,200 you push yourself up, get stuck halfway... 1068 00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:19,600 .. with no power in arm or leg to go anywhere else. 1069 00:53:19,640 --> 00:53:20,000 Stuck there like that, marooned. Top half out, bottom half in, 1070 00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:23,480 Stuck there like that, marooned. Top half out, bottom half in, 1071 00:53:23,520 --> 00:53:24,920 like a flirty mermaid. 1072 00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:31,480 Everyone's looking. Nothing stops. 1073 00:53:31,520 --> 00:53:35,080 Poolside chat quicker than a fat geezer's fart. 1074 00:53:35,120 --> 00:53:36,000 The cast of 'Love Island' could walk past. "What's he gonna do?" 1075 00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:39,680 The cast of 'Love Island' could walk past. "What's he gonna do?" 1076 00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:44,000 Unfortunately for me, I've got hefty nipples as well. 1077 00:53:44,000 --> 00:53:44,440 Unfortunately for me, I've got hefty nipples as well. 1078 00:53:44,480 --> 00:53:49,400 Scene-stealingly big nips, Jaffa Cake nips. Burger nips. 1079 00:53:51,120 --> 00:53:52,000 They look like a pair of Wombles' noses. 1080 00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:53,360 They look like a pair of Wombles' noses. 1081 00:53:55,760 --> 00:53:58,000 Creeping out, what's going on 'ere? 1082 00:54:00,200 --> 00:54:02,360 Wobbling a bit as me arms give way. 1083 00:54:08,800 --> 00:54:10,320 I'm stuck there, don't know what to do. 1084 00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:13,240 I ambitiously lift my leg up, as if I'm gonna whip it round. 1085 00:54:14,400 --> 00:54:16,000 Like I'm Max Whitlock, or The Undertaker. 1086 00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:16,920 Like I'm Max Whitlock, or The Undertaker. 1087 00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:22,560 Just stuck there. You've only got two options in that situation. 1088 00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:24,000 Option one, flop on your belly, drag yourself out. 1089 00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:26,040 Option one, flop on your belly, drag yourself out. 1090 00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:29,280 Like a sad little slug. 1091 00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:32,000 Like a zombie with no legs, grabbing onto anything you can, 1092 00:54:32,000 --> 00:54:33,680 Like a zombie with no legs, grabbing onto anything you can, 1093 00:54:33,720 --> 00:54:37,320 loungers, umbrellas, toddlers, launching 'em. 1094 00:54:37,360 --> 00:54:40,000 Scratching your belly on the rough bit. 1095 00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:40,040 Scratching your belly on the rough bit. 1096 00:54:40,080 --> 00:54:44,560 Designed to stop you slipping in. I'm trying to fucking slip out. 1097 00:54:46,640 --> 00:54:48,000 Red-raw belly, all sore. 1098 00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:48,520 Red-raw belly, all sore. 1099 00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:53,520 People coming up to me, "Oh, have you caught the sun?" No. 1100 00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:56,000 I haven't caught the sun. I'm just too fat and weak to support my own body. 1101 00:54:56,000 --> 00:54:57,880 I haven't caught the sun. I'm just too fat and weak to support my own body. 1102 00:54:59,840 --> 00:55:02,240 So I dragged my gut along the floor, 1103 00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:04,000 like a poorly Basset Hound. 1104 00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:04,480 like a poorly Basset Hound. 1105 00:55:06,840 --> 00:55:09,520 Depressingly, that's your best option. Option two, 1106 00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:12,000 even more degrading. Stuck there. Slide back in. 1107 00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:13,360 even more degrading. Stuck there. Slide back in. 1108 00:55:15,560 --> 00:55:18,040 The ultimate humiliation. 1109 00:55:18,080 --> 00:55:20,000 They know you wanna be out, you know you wanna be out. 1110 00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:20,400 They know you wanna be out, you know you wanna be out. 1111 00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:25,600 Lost feeling in your arm. You can't push off anymore, 1112 00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:27,880 you have to slide down, belly on the ledge. 1113 00:55:27,920 --> 00:55:28,000 Up to your tits, two poached eggs on a platter, sat there. 1114 00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:31,720 Up to your tits, two poached eggs on a platter, sat there. 1115 00:55:32,920 --> 00:55:36,000 Slip down, bang your chin and drag yourself out in shame. 1116 00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:36,320 Slip down, bang your chin and drag yourself out in shame. 1117 00:55:37,720 --> 00:55:43,440 Knowing you have to look those people in the eye at the buffet tomorrow morning. 1118 00:55:43,480 --> 00:55:44,000 Anyway, Lake Bled. Don't know if you know much about lakes. No steps. 1119 00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:46,880 Anyway, Lake Bled. Don't know if you know much about lakes. No steps. 1120 00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:52,000 I've got one shot at this pontoon. Lou's there, Slovenians are there. 1121 00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:53,920 I've got one shot at this pontoon. Lou's there, Slovenians are there. 1122 00:55:53,960 --> 00:55:58,280 I think I've not got the stamina to drag this out. Got to get on that pontoon as quick as possible. 1123 00:55:58,320 --> 00:56:00,000 I swam as fast as I possibly could. 1124 00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:01,160 I swam as fast as I possibly could. 1125 00:56:01,200 --> 00:56:04,600 Got to the pontoon, there's a rope on it, used my momentum, 1126 00:56:04,640 --> 00:56:06,680 pulled up, jumped up in the air. At one point 1127 00:56:06,720 --> 00:56:08,000 I wasn't touching lake or pontoon. 1128 00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:09,040 I wasn't touching lake or pontoon. 1129 00:56:10,720 --> 00:56:14,240 Just stuck in the air like that. I land on the pontoon. 1130 00:56:14,280 --> 00:56:16,000 Lou fucks off to Slovakia. 1131 00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:16,400 Lou fucks off to Slovakia. 1132 00:56:19,160 --> 00:56:21,240 I've launched her on land. 1133 00:56:22,600 --> 00:56:24,000 Slovenians are clinging on for dear life. 1134 00:56:24,000 --> 00:56:25,760 Slovenians are clinging on for dear life. 1135 00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:28,720 I'm half on, half off, kicking like a nutter. 1136 00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:31,400 From the shore, it looks like a shark attack. 1137 00:56:33,160 --> 00:56:36,920 They can't work out who's attacking who, they can just see teeth and water. 1138 00:56:39,520 --> 00:56:40,000 I've become medically out of breath immediately. 1139 00:56:40,000 --> 00:56:42,680 I've become medically out of breath immediately. 1140 00:56:44,520 --> 00:56:48,000 Like how out of breath you get when you run for the last train and make it. You burst on. 1141 00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:49,840 Like how out of breath you get when you run for the last train and make it. You burst on. 1142 00:56:49,880 --> 00:56:54,280 "You alright?" " I was running for the train." 1143 00:56:54,320 --> 00:56:56,000 I'm clawing myself on. Trunks are slipping down. 1144 00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:59,000 I'm clawing myself on. Trunks are slipping down. 1145 00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:02,560 Arse is hanging out, top of pubes, always worse. 1146 00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:07,000 I'm a Rizla away from a foreskin flash at this stage. 1147 00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:12,000 Drag myself on, roll over. 1148 00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:12,920 Drag myself on, roll over. 1149 00:57:12,960 --> 00:57:17,160 Lou's pissing herself laughing. Slovenians can't get enough of it. 1150 00:57:17,200 --> 00:57:18,240 Fuck off! 1151 00:57:20,400 --> 00:57:24,760 Nothing worse than someone laughing at you in another language. 1152 00:57:24,800 --> 00:57:28,000 Laying there, taking it. "Herderdo walrus." You fucking what? 1153 00:57:28,000 --> 00:57:29,800 Laying there, taking it. "Herderdo walrus." You fucking what? 1154 00:57:32,480 --> 00:57:33,480 Walrus?! 1155 00:57:34,520 --> 00:57:36,000 I was in denial. I was, "Maybe 'walrus' is something else. 1156 00:57:36,000 --> 00:57:39,440 I was in denial. I was, "Maybe 'walrus' is something else. 1157 00:57:39,480 --> 00:57:42,160 Maybe that's Slovenian for 'big dick legend.'" 1158 00:57:44,960 --> 00:57:46,320 It's not, it means walrus. 1159 00:57:48,240 --> 00:57:50,240 It's the only word that's the same. 1160 00:57:53,520 --> 00:57:56,520 I mean, in their defence, they were right to laugh at me, 1161 00:57:56,560 --> 00:57:58,280 cos I have got a weird body shape. 1162 00:57:58,320 --> 00:58:00,000 I've hidden it for years, but I'm gonna share it with you tonight, 1163 00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:01,800 I've hidden it for years, but I'm gonna share it with you tonight, 1164 00:58:01,840 --> 00:58:07,480 cos I'm so lovely. I've got... I've got a really weird body. 1165 00:58:07,520 --> 00:58:08,000 The proportions are all weird. I've got really long legs. 1166 00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:11,680 The proportions are all weird. I've got really long legs. 1167 00:58:11,720 --> 00:58:14,120 I've got the legs of a 6'3" man. I'm 5'8" 1168 00:58:15,040 --> 00:58:16,000 I've just got no middle. So I hide it wearing t-shirts out, 1169 00:58:16,000 --> 00:58:19,880 I've just got no middle. So I hide it wearing t-shirts out, 1170 00:58:19,920 --> 00:58:22,960 jeans low, or with a suit I wear a waistcoat. 1171 00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:24,000 Last summer, I had to go to a wedding. 1172 00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:25,040 Last summer, I had to go to a wedding. 1173 00:58:25,080 --> 00:58:29,280 We went to the wedding place and I said, "Mate, I need a waistcoat. 1174 00:58:29,320 --> 00:58:32,000 I'm part of the groom's party. I need a waistcoat, cos I've got mental legs. 1175 00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:32,640 I'm part of the groom's party. I need a waistcoat, cos I've got mental legs. 1176 00:58:32,680 --> 00:58:36,720 It's the only way." He went, "I've spoken to the bride, 1177 00:58:36,760 --> 00:58:39,760 you have to have matching for the photos." Fucking photos. 1178 00:58:39,800 --> 00:58:40,000 "But mate, my legs, they're too long. It won't work." 1179 00:58:40,000 --> 00:58:43,840 "But mate, my legs, they're too long. It won't work." 1180 00:58:43,880 --> 00:58:48,000 He went, "Trust me, you've never had a proper pair of tailored trousers. 1181 00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:48,080 He went, "Trust me, you've never had a proper pair of tailored trousers. 1182 00:58:48,120 --> 00:58:51,720 Trust me and it'll be fine." So he went and got me... a shirt. 1183 00:58:51,760 --> 00:58:55,040 Oh yeah. Fucking drink it in. 1184 00:58:56,680 --> 00:59:00,800 Drink it in. He got me a shirt, he made some trousers for me. 1185 00:59:00,840 --> 00:59:04,000 He went, "Don't worry, mate, you've never had a proper pair of trousers done." 1186 00:59:04,000 --> 00:59:05,080 He went, "Don't worry, mate, you've never had a proper pair of trousers done." 1187 00:59:05,120 --> 00:59:08,680 He got me these trousers, he made me wear 'em with a shirt 1188 00:59:08,720 --> 00:59:10,720 on my waist. Right? 1189 00:59:18,920 --> 00:59:20,000 He measured me up. 1190 00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:21,120 He measured me up. 1191 00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:22,680 That's the top of me legs. 1192 00:59:25,280 --> 00:59:27,000 Belly button's on the belt. 1193 00:59:28,880 --> 00:59:32,480 And he went to me, "There you go, mate, that's how you should be wearing 'em." 1194 00:59:42,400 --> 00:59:44,000 I went to a wedding like this. 1195 00:59:44,000 --> 00:59:44,280 I went to a wedding like this. 1196 00:59:46,000 --> 00:59:48,360 I'm tagged on Facebook like this. 1197 00:59:49,360 --> 00:59:51,720 Next to a woman on the best day of her life... 1198 00:59:54,080 --> 00:59:59,800 I just... I'm just tits and teeth. Where do my organs live? 1199 01:00:02,400 --> 01:00:04,360 It's like a Playboy bunny that went wrong. 1200 01:00:06,440 --> 01:00:08,000 I got to the wedding with my wife and daughters. 1201 01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:10,000 I got to the wedding with my wife and daughters. 1202 01:00:10,040 --> 01:00:12,200 "Daddy?" I said, "Yes?" 1203 01:00:13,600 --> 01:00:16,000 She said, "Why have you come dressed as Despicable Me?" 1204 01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:16,520 She said, "Why have you come dressed as Despicable Me?" 1205 01:00:18,480 --> 01:00:21,680 Southend, you've been amazing. Thank you so, so much. 1206 01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:26,160 See you soon. Goodnight! 1207 01:00:59,600 --> 01:01:01,600 AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk