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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
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RODRIGO MARQUES IN
RM!
I wasn't gonna drink today.
You're hot!
I'm glad you noticed.
I'm thrilled to see you all here.
Here's to you. Thank you for all the love. This is gonna be fun.
The name of this show
is King of Uncouth,
so I was very excited and also surprised
to see that Netflix bought the idea.
I thought it was weird…
but it's a company that believes.
So I'll begin by explaining
why the name of the show is King of Uncouth.
But first, I need to ask if we have any minors here today?
Over here? What's your name?
"Mariana." I'm gonna ask you to leave.
I'll give you back the money.
And there's chocolate milk outside.
Just kidding, Mariana. It's all good. But I find it weird, you know?
The name of the show is King of Uncouth,
not King of Kids, so…
I toured Brazil with this show,
and recently there was a 9-year-old in the audience.
A 9-year-old can't even come yet.
You just get a little shaky at that age, you know?
You go, bam, bam, "I'm coming. Oh, nothing." Just…
I used to call it a clean jerk off.
You got a nickname?
-Flea. -Flea?
Let's call you Flea then.
You're with your mom?
Your aunt?
But you do know this person, right?
Blink if you're in danger, Flea.
Just 'cause she bought you a Coke doesn't mean she can take you for a ride.
I came to be known as the king of uncouth
because of a show called
A Culpa é do Cabral…
Nice to see you dig it.
On that show, I talked about people sucking my cock,
rubbing my cock on people,
my cock on people's faces, my cock down throats,
people sitting on my cock, coming, my cock, and people in general.
It never got me into any trouble.
In the sixth season, I said I ate a pussy.
That's the result.
I got a backlash on all my social media.
People wouldn't stop flaming me, they'd come to my Instagram inbox,
"Rodrigo, this is outrageous! I watch this show with my kids."
"It's not my fault you're in such bad company.
Invite people who like it, damn it."
Flea likes it, even came to the show.
I don't get it.
"Rodrigo, you gotta understand, they rerun the show at 11:00 a.m."
I said, "I'm aware.
I'm also aware that you can eat pussy during business hours."
I actually recommend it. There's nothing better in the morning
than a joint, a tapioca, and a pussy.
You can sprinkle some grated coconut on top,
wherever your mood strikes.
But on the joint, it's kinda funky.
I named my show King of Uncouth,
but actually, it's got nothing to do with it.
My production team said, "Rodrigo, listen.
We'll begin touring your new show in January 2020."
We didn't know the world was ending.
This was back in July or August 2019.
I was like, "January?" "Yup." I go, "There's not enough time."
"It took me almost ten years to write my first show.
How would I get a new show ready in four, five months? You nuts?"
"Good luck, Rodrigo. We're already selling it."
So I freaked out.
I thought I wouldn't make it.
And I always had this artistic dream to have a show
where I tell only one story.
But what makes this story so interesting
that it could take up a whole show?
So I dug in.
I took a trip down memory lane
searching for this amazing story
that I could tell.
And there was nothing.
I got even more freaked out.
However, Lady Luck smiled on me.
I was invited to perform in Fernando de Noronha.
In your faces.
Anyone here ever been to Noronha?
You? What do you do for a living?
A doctor? Got it.
The Noronha crowd.
Back there? Someone raised their hand?
What do you do?
You're in advertising? Cool.
Anyone on this side ever been to Noronha? Gee, this side is no good.
Where's the other person? Here.
What do you do?
Lawyer? I'm not sure I wanna keep talking.
Thank you for coming.
I understand why most of you never been to Noronha.
You live here in São Paulo, I lived in Recife, much closer.
Not that close. It was 500 kilometers.
You can't get there swimming.
With sharks on the way, which is a grind.
I only visited Noronha after I was living here in São Paulo.
They invited me to do stand-up there.
And in Noronha, I cut my toe.
I thought it was fancy to cut my toe in Noronha.
I have a scar on my toe, and people ask, "Rodrigo, what's that?"
I say, "Noronha, and you? How you doing?"
So I decided to do a show just to say I've been to Noronha and cut my toe.
But I thought the name I've Been to Noronha and Cut my Toe
wasn't very marketable.
So, as a clickbait,
I named my show King of Uncouth
aiming to lure the audience here.
And, once here, inform them that
the purchased tickets were actually for the show
I've Been to Noronha…
and Cut my Toe.
Which starts now!
I hope you have fun.
RODRIGO MARQUES IN
I'VE BEEN TO NORONHA AND CUT MY TOE
Can you believe I've been to Noronha and cut my toe?
"How's this show in Noronha like?" "Rodrigo, it's a four-day festival."
"You can stay for four days and do a 30-minute show."
I say, "Perfect. That's all I want, four days on the island."
They go, "It'll be you and Paulinho Serra."
"Amazing. This is already the best day of my life."
Because I love Paulinho. Paulinho is a dear friend
and one of the best comedians in this country.
I say, "Four days with Paulinho in Noronha?"
They go, "There's more." I ask, "More?"
"There's also Tato from Falamansa."
I say, "No way, it got even better."
'Cause it's amazing, no matter if you're into heavy metal,
when you hear, "I wrote your name on the sand,"
you just vibe through it.
You can't help it.
I went, "This is gonna be sick.
Man, I'm going to Noronha, I won't even pack pants, just shorts."
I wear my Simpsons shorts, go to the airport,
I get there, and the frowning began.
I'm like, "I don't care. I'm going to Noronha. I'm above all this."
Feeling like a lawyer.
I get into the plane, it was full of doctors.
The two dudes sitting behind me had the most meaningful conversation,
which I'll replicate for you now.
One turns to the other and goes, "Hey!"
The other promptly answers: "Ho!"
Thus begins the conversation,
"Did you know that free diving or scuba diving in Noronha,
and boarding a plane on the same day,
due to the underwater pressure and altitude pressure
your head will burst open?"
I'm like, "Say again, Champ?
You're gonna keep that between you and your pal?
Flight Attendant, this guy has a message here!
If you dive and fly, you're fucked!
Your head goes boom!
Tylenol won't do the trick."
We land in Noronha.
The Federal Agents come to greet you when you land in Noronha.
Feds in Noronha wear shorts to work.
I loved it. I had never seen a Fed's calves in my life.
That was new to me. Feds' calves in plain sight.
I felt at home.
We got through. They didn't find the pot. Paulinho hides it well.
Maybe now, I've just made his life more difficult.
Then we met the tour guide,
which said something very random. He looks at us and goes,
"Just so you know, Bruno Gagliasso isn't on the island."
I go, "Who asked, damn it?"
"Just so you know, 'cause people always ask.
They think a siren goes off when Bruno gets here."
"Orgy!"
I'm like, "Look…
this orgy bit, I'm interested to know more."
-"There's no such thing." -"Don't bullshit me.
It's an island. Of course there is.
I don't want any part in it, I just wanna watch. Voyeur."
It must be a beautiful thing, seeing Giovanna Ewbank
screwing Bruno Gagliasso,
and in comes Bruna Marquezine. What a glorious fucking day.
If they ask me to join, "Come."
I say, "I'm not worthy. Thank you very much."
I wouldn't…
I wouldn't wanna ruin the orgy's BMI average.
We got to the inn, dropped our stuff,
and went to the nearest beach, a secluded little bay
the tour guide told us we'd love. Since the access by sea
was constrained by rocks and reefs, only small animals would get in.
I'm like, "Great."
So we get to the beach,
and Noronha is so beautiful, really impressive.
It's me, Paulinho, the tour guide, and that crystal clear water.
People in advertising know what I'm talking about.
It's something else.
I'm all excited.
It was as if the tour guide staged it. I've never seen anything like that.
In the water, a shitload of baby sharks doo-doo, doo-doo.
An impressive amount of baby sharks doo-doo, doo-doo.
There were doo-doo, doo-doos everywhere.
A lot of them.
I'm super excited. I start doing Stories.
Paulinho's older, can't do Stories. He films.
The tour guide goes, "Hey, Rodrigo!" I go, "What's up?"
He goes, "Let's get in." "In the buggy to leave?"
He goes, "No. In the water." I go, "What?"
"What about the doo-doo, doo-doos?"
He goes, "It's fine." I go, "No, it isn't!"
He goes, "They're small." I go, "Small sharks. Finish the sentence.
To the very end, okay?"
"They're babies." I go, "Those are not babies, bro.
Nobody says, 'Where's Daddy's little shark?' You nuts?
They're hunters!"
I'm from Recife. I know what sharks do."
Then he made a joke, 'cause people make jokes with comedians
'cause, apparently, taking jokes is part of our package.
It's in our job description.
"Rodrigo, you gotta understand that here in Noronha,
animals are in their natural habitat.
Therefore, the ecosystem works perfectly.
There's no reason a shark would be interested in low-grade meat."
I go, "It'll take more than insults to convince me to get in there, bro.
Besides,
what if today is the shark's junk food day?
And there's me? No."
The day the shark gives up on protein shakes,
he won't binge on this drifting potato.
Paulinho Serra got in,
despite all my warnings. "Paulinho, Paulinho,
you're gonna lose your hand."
Anyone asks, "How did Paulinho lose his hand?" I'll say, "Stupidity!"
I start filming,
and about 25 meters from us, I saw this extremely white girl.
Extremely white.
Like, super white.
If she was any whiter, she'd be Black.
She'd tip over the color palette.
Insanely white.
I like this joke. I'm about to sell it to a paint company.
A shark was approaching her,
not a baby shark anymore, it was a bit bigger, it was…
It was a Flea Shark!
A teenager shark, a shark addicted to Free Fire.
Seeing that, Paulinho thought he should warn her about it.
So he craned his body and went…
"Hey!
Shark!
Shark to ya!
Shark to ya! Shake!
To ya!"
The girl raises her head, scared to death,
and yells back,
"Come again, dude?"
She was from Teresina.
She thought
that "shark"…
was "jerky."
"What kind of wacky fucking jerky peddler is that?
Selling jerky with a garnish
I've never heard of.
Must be some type of farofa from Noronha, I don't know."
We left. We were embarrassing ourselves.
At night, we went to a bar.
The tour guide took us to a bar, and went, "Here's the deal,
don't drink too much, tomorrow we have an early-morning ride.
And if you're hungover, you'll get seasick in no time."
I'm like, "I'm not sure I wanna go."
He goes, "It's gonna be awesome." I'm like, "Nah."
-"Everyone's going." -"Everyone who?"
"Tato, Tato's family, Tato's kids, Tato's wife,
a bunch of locals, I forget their names.
Thalita Rebouças is going, a Thalita Rebouças' friend."
Have you heard of Thalita Rebouças?
-Yes. -No.
"Yes, no…" If you don't know her, it makes no difference.
She's a great person. I loved Thalita.
But her cameo in this show is a very short one.
There, it's over.
"There's gonna be music, beer, barbecue, scuba diving."
I say, "I'll skip the scuba diving."
He goes, "Only if you feel like it." I go, "I don't."
He goes, "Tomorrow you decide." I go, "How about I decide now?"
Early morning next day, we hop on the speedboat and go straight.
We get to the deep sea, there are several speedboats,
and I noticed every speedboat had a barbecue grill. I didn't know that.
And the captain is in charge of the barbecue.
Likely not a part of his duties.
But it was classy.
The guy, in a sailor cap, turning the T-bone hard to port.
Very Captain Cook of him.
Mine was a very nice older guy,
great conversation, heady stuff, deep-sea talk.
I asked him, "Bro, if we keep going straight ahead,
will we get to Africa?"
He went, "We don't have enough fuel."
The tour guide came in, "Hey, Rodrigo." "What up, man?"
He goes: "You diving?" I go, "We've been over this, damn it.
I didn't get in yesterday with the baby sharks.
What makes you think I'd get in today with grown-up ones?"
He goes, "Here is way smoother than where we were yesterday."
I go, "See how yesterday wasn't so smooth?
I can see through you, my good man."
He goes, "But here you won't even see the sharks."
I go, "Is this supposed to be reassuring?"
"Here they're all lemon sharks." "Bro, I'm not a marine biologist.
This information means nothing to me.
How am I supposed to react to that? 'Oh why didn't you say so?
Geez, everyone knows lemon sharks don't bite,
they just burn your eyes.'
I never tasted any shark lemonade!"
Paulinho Serra must have an extra set of balls.
He fears nothing.
I've never seen such a disregard for one's own life.
Swimming all over the place.
He sees a stingray and comes back yelling,
"A stingray!"
And I yell back, "Run!"
He goes, "Get the GoPro from my bag. I wanna make a video."
I go, "Come again, Paulinho?"
"I wanna make a video." "What for?"
"I wanna get some stingray images." "Go to Google, type 'stingray.'
There's pages and pages, Paulinho.
Even in 4K resolution.
Want me to send you a stingray poster?
I'll send one to your place, Paulinho."
"No, it's my daughter's GoPro. She asked me to make some videos."
I go, "But why the stingray? Get some barbecue shots.
Get the beach.
Can this shit zoom? Africa is right there."
"Rodrigo, stingrays are peaceful." I'm like, "Paulinho…
You're not a cameraman for Animal Planet.
Stingrays are very dangerous.
You know anyone attacked by a stingray, Paulinho?"
He goes, "No, I don't." I go, "See? No one survives.
You really wanna mess with that? Then go.
Go!"
And off he went.
The stingray, clueless, looks up, "Oxe?"
It was a Northeastern stingray.
Paulinho comes back exhausted, gasping.
He hands me the GoPro and says, "Watch this. Behold nature."
I watched the whole video, almost eight minutes. Impressive.
Paulinho Serra had the GoPro pointing the wrong way all the time.
The video is a reaction
of Paulinho Serra seeing the stingray.
The stingray is nowhere to be seen.
To this day, I'm not sure there even was a stingray.
He says you can see the stingray reflected in his eyes.
But you gotta believe.
The tour guide wouldn't quit. "So, Rodrigo?" I go, "Hey, man."
"You're not getting in, then?" "I've said it a few times already."
He goes, "It's really fine." I say, "No, bro."
He goes, "You can't swim, is that it?" I go, "Respect my swimmer background."
He asks, "What is it, then?" I go, "Bro, the thing is,
I've got some traumas." He asks, "Like what?"
"You got time?" He says, "I do." I go, "Then listen.
When I was younger…"
Not like Flea.
I was already impacting the GDP, I was working.
I started saving money, I wanted
to go to Africa,
specifically, to South Africa.
I dreamed about diving with white sharks there.
That may sound kinda crazy,
but I'd seen a documentary
that said that we, the humans, are at the top
of the food chain of all animal species on planet Earth.
Us, we're top tier.
A person cheered here.
Kinda weird, but that's us.
We're number one
because we invented guns, cars, planes.
Not us, right? We're all here on a fake beach. Yeah.
Some guys…
Some guys created all that, and we were like, "Cool!"
The white shark is ranked second.
Unarmed.
If it ever learns how to hold a kitchen knife,
we're fucked big time.
So I wanted to make the most of this window while we're the champs,
look a white shark in the eye and go, "What up, runner-up?"
That was my little Everest. Obviously, it's a controlled dive.
You dive inside an anti-white shark cage,
they throw some meat,
the white sharks are attracted by the smell of blood,
you take a pic, post it on Insta, success.
However, there's no guarantee white sharks will actually show up,
since they aren't on the travel agency payroll.
So there's this dilemma in the air.
And if they don't show up, you don't get a refund.
You don't.
'Cause the boat went there, and the meat was thrown.
Then it's just a shitty ride for you,
underwater with a bunch of meat behind you.
No caption's gonna make this look nice on Instagram.
Caio Fernando Abreu.
The Little Prince.
You become responsible, forever, for the beef you have tamed.
It's useless.
Why didn't I go in? 'Cause I saw this guy's video.
I guy that could've been
any one of us, a tourist.
He puts his wetsuit on--
I don't even know why this video is online.
Wetsuit on, he's with some friends.
Before his friends get in, he jumps in alone. Bum!
Before the others get in,
a white shark comes in,
and he's foaming.
By the looks of it, I thought, "This shark works at the post office.
It's delivering a package to someone."
The shark jumps.
I didn't know they could jump. They can.
It hits the boat hull
and falls right inside the cage.
Some people went, "Whoa."
And we're here with 800 people. Picture me watching this alone in my room.
The chain gets loose
and sinks the cage completely
with the guy and the runner-up in it.
And the guy was unarmed.
And I don't know about you, but unarmed, I'm not the champ anymore.
Not even armed, actually.
Because I can't use it.
I guess I'm way over the top 100.
I've run from a capybara once, so…
What could I possibly…
offer in terms of danger to the jungle?
I did a show in Rio Branco, Acre.
After it, I was chilling in the dressing room,
out of the blue, a capybara pokes its head out of a bush.
It looked me in the eye and went…
And it bolted towards me.
I don't think it recognized me.
So I chose
fleeing.
I thought it was the most informed decision
at the time.
I don't even know how capybaras attack.
What if I protect my belly and get a flying kick to the face?
It gets me really worried, you know?
'Cause, at any time, animals may insurge against us,
and I'm not sure if we're prepared for that.
Our species is way more fragile than you think.
It really is. You know what's the deadliest species to man?
Everyone thinks it's the lion,
the shark, the hippo. No. It's the mosquito.
This tiny.
A small virgin asshole. That's it.
You can't gang up with your friends and beat a mosquito up.
The mosquito comes, bites you, and flies off. Malaria!
Just like that.
I forget if it's the fourth, or fifth-deadliest animal to our species,
the sea crocodile.
A salt-water crocodile.
I didn't know about it either,
and that's why I think it's a badass animal.
When it comes up, people go, "What?
Shouldn't you be in a river?" Bam!
You die before finishing the question.
You go, "I was at the beach.
Where did that fucking tidal bore come from?"
And I always wondered what species
would I be able to defeat in head-to-head combat?
I think I could defeat a seal.
'Cause seals,
they don't have arms.
So fuck you, Seal.
"Seal" you later.
An armlock is out of the question.
It'd be like pole dancing.
Slowly sliding to the ground.
Respect the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
The Gracies rule.
Neither a rear-naked choke, or it'd slip up
like a soap bar.
I think I can defeat a pigeon.
Pigeons piss me off a bit. It's personal, you know?
'Cause every human being has dreamt of being able to fly.
Pigeons can fly, but they don't.
They'd rather take a stroll.
Jogging pigeons.
It's like seeing an Airbus on the freeway.
You go, "What up, Airbus?" It says, "I'm heading to Rio."
"Surface travel?"
He goes, "I'll stop at Roasted Chicken."
Roasted Chicken is a peculiar place.
Roasted Chicken doesn't sell roasted chicken. What's up with that?
I went there and ordered roasted chicken.
Guy says, "We don't have it." I go, "It's in the name."
"There's fried chicken though." "Well, let's repaint your sign."
And the pigeons, they only fly in two situations.
Either to take a shit on our heads…
Pigeons seem to suffer from ass shyness, you know?
They're hanging out with the homies and go,
"Guys, I'm gonna take a dump."
It flies off, unloads, and dry-cleans its ass on the way back.
Or when you stomp your foot.
Then they remember, "Right, I can fly!"
Three!
They flap their wings three times to the nearest sidewalk.
"Go see the world, goddamit. Fly off to Europe, or Oceania."
They prefer to cosplay as homeless downtown.
Fucking birdbrains.
I'm not saying I wanna beat up a pigeon.
I don't wanna be misinterpreted by anyone.
I'm a pet-friendly guy.
I've had pets as a kid.
My dream was to have
a Siberian husky, but my mom prohibited…
allegedly 'cause we lived in Recife,
and the husky was Siberian.
So…
we reached an agreement
it'd be too much of a displacement.
Therefore, if anyone here today, or watching this,
is a big fan of Luisa Mell
or John Wick…
I wanna make it clear I'm against animal cruelty.
I'm just saying, if I ever had to battle a pigeon
to have humanity go up a few positions
in the food chain ranking, I'd say, "Yes."
I'm ready for this fight.
But I'm not calling out the pigeon.
However, for humanity, and if the fucker attacks me first,
I'll make it "coo" in no time.
I'm game, goddammit.
Everyone freaking out on the boat. The guy underwater with the shark.
People won't stop screaming.
Those were different languages compiled for you.
Silence.
Blood starts surfacing. A lot of blood.
A lot of blood.
People get even more freaked out.
The shark swims off. Apparently, it was the shark's blood.
It cut itself on the way out.
It's probably fine, it's a white shark. It'll show off the scar
to other sharks and saying, "This is from my fight with the world's champ."
The water becomes still, the blood clears, and a head emerges
attached to the body.
People fish the guy out. He's walking in a very strange way.
But I don't know how he used to walk.
But he looked affected.
Man, it was kinda like… No.
They take his goggles off, start to ask questions.
He's silent. They sit him down, the camera zooms in on his face.
Everyone screaming, the camera zooms on his eyes.
He's silent. The camera zooms in on one eye.
Everyone screaming, the camera zooms in on his pupil.
Everyone screaming, he's silent, and the video ends.
That was when I said, "I'm not fucking going."
You could see he was physically unharmed,
but you could glimpse in his gaze
it was gonna be at least ten years of Tuesdays and Thursdays at the therapy.
And my health insurance doesn't cover that.
Not to mention he probably shat himself,
and you can only take off the wetsuit by pulling it up.
So it leaves a trail of shit and shame
from your asshole all the way to your neck so that people can ask,
"Weren't you the white shark badass? Shit your pants, man?"
The guy, "No, I shat myself to rub it in the shark's eye.
The shark is down there with pink eye."
The shark's going, "Can anyone blow here, please?
Not sure what happened. They threw some meat,
I thought it was for me and ran, I jumped for joy,
hit something, fell inside a cage, a guy was there, I yelled, 'Wait!'
Can you believe the guy stuck his finger in his ass and poked my eye?
Twice!
What kinda fucking strike is this, bro?
I even cut myself on the way out.
If I figure out that kitchen knife, he's fucked."
The other time, it was in Manaus. If you can go there, go.
All you doctors.
Manaus is impressive.
What a wonderful city, it's beautiful. And when you go to the forest,
wherever you look, it feels like a Windows wallpaper.
Impressive.
I remember seeing a tree and thinking, "I think it was in my laptop last week."
The exact same tree.
I struck a friendship with a local tour guide and said,
"Take me to see things, I'm leaving tomorrow.
I wanna see everything, forests, rivers, Indians, the whole shebang."
I've always been crazy about Indians.
Seriously. They got here before us, so they know stuff. They're the real deal.
And I'd only seen Indians at school, on Indian Day,
and those were my friends dressed as Indians,
so I don't think it counts.
Curly-haired Indians.
Fat Indians.
Everyone knows fat Indians are forbidden.
So we left.
Guide goes, "Rodrigo, we're gonna visit an Indian tribe
in the heart of the forest."
And I'm like, "On the edge would be fine."
And we walked and walked. It was fucking far,
but the visuals were amazing. And suddenly, it opens up.
The woods open up, fucking amazing.
A huge Indian tribe, enormous.
Way more badass than at school.
You could see those guys would get good grades.
I became friends with an Indian named Kuiaiá.
Great human being. Great Indian.
Kuiaiá is like Enzo in our world.
I started chatting with Kuiaiá.
And Kuiaiá says, "Rodrigo, if you keep walking in this way,
into the deep forest…" I'm like, "Nah, I'm not going."
"But if you did…" I go, "No, I know myself.
I'm with the ones who stay."
"You're an Indian and you're here. Why would I go there?
Have you ever been there?"
He goes, "Never." "So what you talking about, Kuiaiá?"
"If you walk for ten days and ten nights into the forest,
you'll get to an Indian tribe no one's ever seen."
I go, "And how would you know that?"
He says, "The shaman told me."
I go, "And you'll fall for that shaman talk?"
He was carving something while we talked.
When he finished, he showed me.
It was a wooden sloth on a string with a little swing underneath. Beautiful.
I say, "Wow, Kuiaiá, amazing. Congrats." He goes, "Did you like it?"
I say, "I loved it." He goes, "For real?" I say, "For real. You're an artist."
He asks, "You want it?" I go, "You giving it to me?
Of course I want it, Kuiaiá."
He goes, "I'm selling it."
I go, "Capitalism has arrived here, right, Kuiaiá?"
He goes, "You want it?" "No. I don't want it anymore."
He asks, "Why not?" I say, "I thought it was a gift.
It's not like my place is in need
of living room decoration."
Says, "Take it to remember me by."
I go, "I have a pretty fucking good memory.
I've taken some pictures, made some videos."
He goes, "Seriously, Rodrigo, this one is special."
I go, "Kuiaiá, I can see another 80 back there."
He says, "But you saw me making this one." I go, "That's Indian bullshit, Kuiaiá.
How much is it?"
He goes, "Fifty." I ask, "Reais?"
In case there's some kind of Indian cryptocurrency.
But I thought it was an outrageous price.
I go, "Fifty? Seriously?" He goes, "Yeah." I go, "Damn it, Kuiaiá.
I told you I'm living in São Paulo now, didn't I?
There's a place in São Paulo called 25 de Março.
It's this way, 35 days into the deep forest.
Straight this way.
You'll find…
You'll find some guys' tribe,
where for 15 reais, Kuiaiá…
you get Spider-Man
with a machine gun.
Do you realize Spider-Man doesn't even carry a machine gun?
That's a plus
they give you at 25 de Março that Marvel doesn't.
And you want to sell me an unarmed wooden sloth for 50 bucks
that I'm not even sure could take on a seal?"
He goes, "But it's handmade." I go, "Of course, it is, Kuiaiá!
Who'd waste time creating a machine to make wooden sloths?
It's not like the planet needs them to the extent of applying Fordism,
setting up a mass production assembly line
to meet the global demands for wooden sloths, Kuiaiá!"
"How much would you pay for it?" "I don't wanna offend you, Kuiaiá."
He goes, "Give me a figure." I go, "Kuiaiá…
I'll give you two Spider-Men."
I thought it was a fair price.
Kuiaiá did too.
My mistake was opening my wallet. There was only one bill in it.
Fifty.
It's as if you guys were there.
It was a 50 reais bill.
The moment Kuiaiá laid eyes on it…
I glimpsed in his eyes, for the first time, the Indian rage.
I thought, "He'll shoot an arrow at me.
I'm not even sure running will do any good.
What if Kuiaiá is some kind of Indian sniper?
I'm not in the mood for a brazilwood headshot."
Kuiaiá was silent for three long seconds,
which is a lot of awkward time between two people.
More so in the middle of a forest.
When he finally breaks the silence by ranting,
"That's fucked up, Rodrigo."
I go, "I didn't know, Kuiaiá! I'd never bargain like this
if I knew I had a 50. Do you have a 20 for change?"
He says, "I don't."
I go, "How do you intend to be the forest businessman without change?"
Everything I say in this show is true, but what I'll tell you next,
if I were one of you, I'd be suspicious.
That said, I'll mention it beforehand,
you can double-check the following facts.
Kuiaiá leans his body to the right
and pulls from his Guarani shoulder bag
a credit card terminal.
I went, "Go fuck yourself, Kuiaiá!
There's not even service out here, bro.
In the old days you'd settle for some mirrors.
"And to me it's, 'Debit or credit?'"
The service was working.
To this day, I'm not sure how, in the middle of the forest, service.
I don't know how.
Probably monkeys running around with routers on their heads.
To this day, I'm curious how there could be service in a place
where a jaguar can just jump you
while your 4G goes to shit.
There was an Indian streaming a video,
while fishing, on Twitch TV.
I paid by card.
Nubank.
Credit.
I got an instant notification on my cell,
"Kuiaiá Handcrafts, Incorporated."
I said, "Go fuck yourself, Kuiaiá."
I purchased it, for real.
It's hanging on my closet doorknob.
Every night, I look that sloth in the eye and I say, "Kuiaiá…"
And I fall asleep.
It's my Lexotan.
We head to the rivers.
There are two rivers there, the Rio Negro and the Solimões,
whose waters run side by side without mixing. They meet and repel.
Craziness. It's an old feud. I don't know what happened.
Guide goes, "Put your hand in the water."
It's cold. Must've been the Rio Negro.
When you go over to Solimões, it's warm. As if God had taken a piss in the water.
Then the guy goes, "Rodrigo, this is a good place for diving. Do you dive?
People come from all over the world to dive here
because they leave with a renewed spirit."
I go, "My spirit is fine, thank you very much."
"Aren't you diving?" I say, "No." He asks, "Why?"
"Because they shot Anaconda here, and I watched it twice."
"It's fine." I say, "You haven't seen the movie."
He goes, "It's fine, just don't take a piss."
I go, "I don't feel like it, but what's wrong with it?"
No one took a piss in the movie.
"There's this fish called candiru,
and if you pee, it gets inside your cock
and eats you from the inside out."
I go, "Why would I dive in a place with such a hostile enemy?
In Recife, my mother used to say
that if you peed, the pool chlorine would change color.
Here in Manaus, I find this punishment
a tad harsher."
He goes, "Just don't pee. Can't you hold it?"
I go, "Sure, I can."
Problem is, I'm in the water, a snake shows up, I get scared,
there'll be a three-drop leakage.
And I don't know if the candiru will be able to tell a scare leak
from a piss of utter disrespect to its home.
And not being able to tell,
it can very well get into my cock and do its thing.
I don't even wanna know what happens if I shit my pants.
In come the machine gun-armed dolphins to butt-fuck me? Nah.
I won't risk it.
See why I'm not getting in?"
"Here's different, Rodrigo, you're in Noronha,
not South Africa or Manaus.
It's all water, bro."
"The biggest danger I'm willing to face in the water is chlorine."
He goes, "Rodrigo, it's fine." I go, "I won't go. You heard me, bro."
Also listening to this whole conversation
was Tato,
from Falamansa.
He comes walking to us and says,
"I was listening to the whole thing."
Actually, this was how I knew
he was listening to the whole thing.
He goes, "You won't get in?"
I go, "Weren't you listening to the whole thing?"
Tato is a poet, a musician, a songwriter, an artist. He's ludic. He's long-haired.
He says nice things,
loose words of wisdom, then leaves you to chew on them.
He goes, "Rodrigo,
my kids are in the water."
I say, "It's not my fault, Tato, if you don't appreciate them."
He goes, "Rodrigo, you and the sea, reciprocity."
I go, "Tato, I don't even know what that means."
He says, "Nature is abstract.
You can't be tangent to it."
I go, "Tato, go fuck yourself.
Are you bullshitting me? What fucking tangent is that, Tato?"
And Tato is here, he knows it's true.
I go, "They're lemon sharks, bro. It's the killer Pepsi Twist.
Are you insane?"
Everyone got in.
Only Captain Cook and I stayed on the boat.
I was drinking, and when I drink, I get bold, so I go, "Captain Cook!
If you wanna get in, I'll hold the fort."
But he wasn't interested.
But he saw I was drinking and treated me like a child.
He gave me an idea that seemed awesome,
but when I woke up the next day, first thing I said was, "Captain Cook…"
He asked, "Rodrigo, are you afraid of the sharks?
Nonsense. Just stay near the boat.
So if the sharks come, they'll get to the others first."
I go, "That's true, Captain Cook.
By the time they're done with the appetizers,
I'd have climbed back on board.
And if they come get me up here, I won't even try to run, they earned it.
I wouldn't dare get in the way of Darwinism happening before my eyes."
I get in.
I got water in my goggles.
I climbed back up, disappointed,
seeing the goggles had failed in its only purpose.
I yell to the tour guide, "Bro, there's water getting in my goggles!"
He goes, "Spit and put them back on."
"Please repeat that louder, because I heard something absurd here."
He goes, "Spit and put them back on."
I go, "That's your fetish, not mine!"
"That's the way they work." I go, "No way."
"It's true." I go, "Let's call customer service.
Let's do that together, and put it on speaker."
"Just spit and put them on."
I go, "I'm not spitting and putting them on."
He goes, "Want me to spit for you?"
I go, "I ain't your bitch."
So I solved it my own way, right?
Which was diving…
"Noronha is impressive underwater."
And I was so scared some creature could jump on me.
And then it did. A sea turtle.
Underwater, they're agile as fuck. I wasn't aware of that.
Not sure if they're all like that, but mine definitely had some nitro boost.
Maybe it shot out of a whale's blowhole,
or it was going downhill, or something like that.
Someone threw it in and went, "Move, damn it!"
And it was huge. A big, fat Michelangelo.
It zooms past me, and not knowing how to react, I yell, "Turtle!"
But underwater it sounds like…
It gives me this fuming look.
It was an activist turtle.
It threw a straw at me.
It had a Greenpeace tattoo on its shell,
an IBAMA pin, a Speedo cap,
and some TAMAR Project flyers.
It steps on the gas and leaves fuming.
Unfazed, I kept looking at it, thinking, "Fucking beautiful creature."
And then get water in my goggles.
I surface back, drain the goggles, my eyes get clear,
and I see a fin in the distance.
I go, "Wow, nice. Death is coming." So…
I jump back into the boat…
with a sweet tachycardia…
sit down on the chair. I'm alive.
And then my watch buzzes. I look and it says,
"Congratulations, Rodrigo, you started a new run."
This watch doesn't know shit.
The tour guide comes to the boat and goes,
"What happened, bro? Get back in the water."
I go, "No." He asks, "Why not?" I say, "It's there."
He asks, "What?" I say, "There, the beast."
He asks, "What?" I say, "The shark. The lemon killer."
"Over there?" I say, "In the flesh, bro."
He says, "Wait, I'll go check." I say, "What?"
How much does the travel agency pay these people?
You point them to death,
and they go face it?
"Can hardly wait!"
And off he goes.
I go, "What fucking hazard pay is that?"
"Paulinho, get back on the boat, the tour guide is already lost!"
"Nice kid. Didn't deserve to die for having a weird goggle fetish."
The tour guide returns in less than five minutes.
He goes, "Rodrigo, get back in the water!"
"I'm fine." "Get back in, man."
I go, "I'm fine. Thanks."
He goes, "It's not a shark." I ask, "What is it?"
He says, "A dolphin."
I go, "I'm also afraid of them."
-You guys afraid of dolphins? -No!
Well, then you are the badass.
Someone answered, "I've never seen one."
That's great, how cute.
But it doesn't make any sense.
Because I've never seen an unpinned grenade…
and I know I'm afraid of it.
It's cool you aren't afraid.
Let me find a couple here… You two are a couple?
Been together for how long?
Three years together? Gee, that's nice.
Three years together, and an eight-month-old kid.
That's it.
Game over, right?
And you're not afraid of dolphins. What's your name?
Luana. What do you do for a living, Luana?
Teacher? What do you teach?
Kindergarten? Wow, that's great, Luana.
Getting rich is out of the question. But that's nice.
They should pay you more, for sure. I'm happy for you.
It must be very rewarding.
-What's your name, pal? -Samuel.
What do you do for a living? Samuel and Luana.
I'm a stagehand.
You're a stagehand? That's it, a man of change.
Looking for a change of scenery.
All over the world.
Three years together, you decide to go to Noronha to celebrate.
Let's do it every four years, like the World Cup.
You guys hop on a plane, get to Noronha,
take a boat, get into the deep sea, and go diving.
Samuel decides to go first, puts on his trunks.
"A nice change of scenery."
Luana is still on the boat, on Zoom teaching a class.
Parents holding down their kids. "Look at the teacher!"
Samuel swims out, and then he sees a dolphin.
Happy as can be, aren't you, Samuel? Fuck, man. A dolphin.
He even yells to the dolphin…
And the dolphin answers…
He says, "Man, the dolphin is coming towards me."
Gets excited, "Will I be able to touch a dolphin?"
Fuck yeah. Touch a dolphin? What do you usually touch?
What does a stagehand touch? Touch…
Touch every fucking scenery, all the stage.
Picture the dolphin, the texture. Oh, that's insane.
Samuel gets more excited as the dolphin gets closer and yells,
"Luana! Come to the water, love!
I've got a surprise for you!" And doesn't tell her what it is.
The dolphin comes near, almost as if it knew you.
Almost like a stage dolphin. Your pal.
It nestles on your chest, cuddles you.
You start stroking it good, Samuca.
This is your moment, Samuca. Your moment.
You go from the tail to its neck, Samuca.
What a joy.
Juliana swims fast to you.
I said "Juliana," didn't I?
Luana! Luana swimming fast, a GoPro attached to her head.
Luana is swimming fast.
I'll pause the story a bit and talk to the audience. Be right back.
Please, stay put.
I've recently read an article saying that, after the human species,
the species most interested in raping humans
are dolphins.
Shall we go on with our story?
Luana was swimming. Right, Luana?
And Samuca was here. Right, Samuca? Right here?
Stroking nicely. Thinking, "What a day.
Thank you, travel agency."
And the dolphin is going…
Samuca is all hands, and then…
At this moment…
the dolphin dives.
And it dives better than you. Right, Samuca? It's a dolphin.
It begins lowering
your trunks with its beak.
Its little beak goes…
Dolphins are really smart.
They're the third-smartest species on the planet.
They're only behind us and monkeys. And monkeys carry Wi-Fi in Manaus.
So just imagine what a dolphin is capable of doing.
With your trunks lowered…
I didn't wanna say this. You seem nice, Samuel.
Let's open our hearts and carry on.
What you thought, Samuel,
was just a touristic stroke,
was actually very sweet foreplay.
The dolphin, with its cock hyper-stiff,
with an uncanny ability,
aided by a K-Y-like sea water,
the dolphin begins fucking Samuel in the ass.
With a frightening rhythm.
This is the dolphin pumping your ass, Samuel.
It pumps you so hard, you start to wonder if you have a uterus
'cause it's definitely hitting something in there.
Every time you manage to resurface, you yell,
"Luana, don't come here anymore!"
Your voice is getting high-pitched, a dolphin is butt-fucking you.
Luana gets there.
As soon as she gets there, the first thing she thinks is,
"What weird fucking surprise is this?"
She dives in and sees
Samuel's desperate look underwater.
And she screams, "Samuel!
There's a dolphin butt-fucking you!"
As if you didn't know. Right, Samuel? The dolphin has been humping you for ages.
Samuca says, "I'm gonna twerk to see if the bastard comes faster."
It works! Samuca is smart, he's a stagehand.
Dolphin doesn't come inside, so you don't get pregnant.
He takes it out and comes. A shitload of cum.
You guys start drowning in cum and sea water.
A shitload of dolphin cum and sea water.
Hey, Flea! Enjoying the show, love?
Very tame, right?
Yeah, I think it is.
Tomorrow, if the class at Flea's school is about dolphins…
Imagine her mom getting a call, "Your daughter is crying,
slamming her head against the wall, screaming, 'Not the dolphins!'"
I think I overdid it a bit.
I was out to prove a point.
That I think it's clear.
The dolphin
left.
When they come, they leave.
You guys swim slowly back to the boat…
not grasping what really went down.
You get on board, and the nice captain is cooking some barbecue.
Says, "You guys want some meat?" Luana goes, "We don't want anything."
You go to the bathroom and start crying. Tears and tears, many tears.
Then you suddenly hear…
And say, "Oh, no. The dolphin's back."
It was the captain saying, "Guys, we're back at the beach."
You get down, step on the sand,
and you get that feeling of safety. It's dry land.
But your heads are still going, "What happened back there?"
You hug. For the first time, you manage to touch each other
after the fact.
Samuel sees, over Luana's shoulder,
on the tip of his elbow,
a small lump of dolphin cum.
He brushes it off to the ground.
And right now I'd like to ask both of you,
would you
erase the GoPro video and make a blood oath,
and neither of you ever as much as utters the word "dolphin" again,
or would you tell everyone about it?
That's right, guys. Silence.
Do you think the doctor,
the girl in advertising or the lawyer ever told anyone?
That doesn't happen.
It's all a secrecy.
No one has the courage to go to a police station and say,
"Officer, Flipper
just fucked us up. We wanna file a complaint."
"What did it look like?" "Cuddly."
No one's afraid of dolphins 'cause their name is a lexical pitfall.
It ends with an "N." No one's afraid of that.
Someone aims a gun at you, "Hand over the money or I'll shin you." Fuck that.
If it was named Dolphzilla, I bet you wouldn't get near the water.
Dolphzilla sucker-punches whales.
Respect the Dolphzilla.
As for the dolphin…
This is why they're called Trojans. Much easier to have sex.
If they were called Spermzillas, no one would want them.
"Spermzilla? You're putting on a Spermzilla to fuck me?
It won't happen. My tiny pussy won't fit a Spermzilla."
Why call them Trojans? It comes from the Trojan Horse.
What kinda brainstorm meeting was that to come up with that name?
'Cause the basic concept of the Trojan Horse
is that the enemy takes it inside to be opened.
And that's exactly what we don't want to happen.
They should be called SpermGuard, or CumLock.
Or something more graphic. "Creampie Killer." This is great.
I want to go to a drugstore and say,
"Gimme a box of Creampie Killers. 'Cause I'm on fire tonight."
So I didn't get back in the water 'cause I was afraid.
But good thing you don't.
That night,
I did my stand-up set. That's why I went there.
And when
the show was over, it was great. Such a wonderful crowd in Noronha.
I was so happy.
Tato from Falamansa began to play.
It wasn't Falamansa. It was just Tato.
But it's not like someone would go, "Oh, no, where's the bass player?"
People were happy.
I start dancing with this girl. What a great night.
And then, all of a sudden, a mosh pit circle formed
during "Xote da Alegria."
This couple gets carried away, bumps into me and the girl
and I brush my foot on a sharp pebble.
Sharp as a Ginsu knife.
It scrapes my big toe, the skin goes, "Oh, fuck!"
And this was the moment
I cut my toe
in Noronha.
I didn't even…
I didn't even care. I treated it like a soccer bump.
"I've had plenty of those in my life. I'll just keep dancing and check later."
Then, my foot starts sticking to the ground. I go, "Weird.
I'm not wearing Velcro sandals."
When the girl stepped back, I took a look
and there was a pool of blood. I go, "Wow, nice.
I can't keep dancing." I tapped the girl on the shoulder.
"Hun?" She says, "Yeah?"
I say, "Look,
we need to take a quick break."
She asks, "What happened?" I say, "I'm facing a setback.
Adversities."
I went after Paulinho. He's older, my friend,
he'll probably have some words of wisdom to unburden my restless heart.
I wasn't feeling shit. I was just worried about the blood.
With the rush from the show and the alcohol, I was numb.
I say, "Paulinho, look at this."
He looks at my foot, back at me and goes, "You're gonna lose your toe!"
I'm the kinda guy who goes with the flow.
As soon as he says that, my toe starts throbbing.
I go, "Oh, no, I'm gonna lose my toe!"
"At least it's in Noronha." "No, Paulinho!"
"I'll call my mom." "Why would you call her for?"
"I have to tell someone I'm gonna lose my toe.
I think she's the right person. 'Mom, that toe you gave me? I lost it!'"
Paulinho freaked out, "I'll ask for a gurney to get you through."
"I won't go through this crowd on a gurney.
We were just on stage. Everyone saw.
'Look, Rodrigo on the gurney with a boo-boo,' it ain't happening.
Ask for a wheelchair." He goes, "Why?" "It's more dignified."
He didn't get shit.
He went ahead, yelling, "Heavy load coming through!"
And I went along, hopping after,
splashing blood on people, getting all dirty.
When I got back there, I was a mess. I was bloody from head to toe.
They raised my foot to stop the bleeding.
Blood dripped down my shirt, my shorts, and everywhere.
From a distance, it looked like I'd been stabbed eight times in a fight,
or got shot at least four times. People were worried sick,
yelling, calling somebody.
Then suddenly I hear…
I go, "Unbelievable! Bruno Gagliasso got here right now?"
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Rodrigo Marques.
SPECIAL THANKS
MOM, DAD, BIGA AND RAPHA. TO MY PRODUCERS GUI AND CAM.
TO MY BROTHERS IN STAND-UP COMEDY, AND MY CHILDHOOD FRIENDS FROM BABILAK.
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