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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[reggae music]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience cheers]

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[audience, chanting]
RM! RM! RM!

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-[clapping rhythmically]
-[laughs]

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RM! RM! RM!

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I wasn't gonna drink today, okay?

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[woman]
You're hot!

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I'm glad you noticed.

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I'm thrilled to see you all here.

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Here's to you. Thank you for all the love.
This is gonna be fun.

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[cheers and applause]

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The name of this show

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is<i> King of Uncouth</i>, so

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I was very excited and also surprised

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to see that Netflix bought the idea.

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I thought it was weird…

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but it's a company that believes.

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So I'll begin by explaining

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why the name of the show
is <i>King of Uncouth.</i>

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But first, I need to ask
if we have any minors here today?

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Over here? What's your name?

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Mariana. I'm gonna ask you to leave.

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I'll give you back the money.

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And there's chocolate milk outside.

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Just kidding, Mariana. It's all good.
But I find it weird, you know?

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The name of the show is <i>King of Uncouth,</i>

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not <i>King of Kids</i>, so…

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I toured Brazil with this show,

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and recently there was
a 9-year-old in the audience.

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A 9-year-old can't even cum yet.

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You just get a little shaky
at that age, you know?

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You go, bam, bam,
"I'm cumming. Oh nothing." Just…

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I used to call it a clean jerk off.

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You got a nickname?

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-[woman] Flea.
-Flea?

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Let's call you Flea then.

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You're with your mom?

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Your aunt?

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But you do know this person, right?

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Blink if you're in danger, Flea.

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Just because Auntie bought you a Coke,
doesn't mean she can take you for a ride.

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I came to be known as the king of uncouth

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because of a show called

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<i>A Culpa é do Cabral…</i>

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[audience whoops and cheers]

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Nice to see you dig it.

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On that show, I talked about
people sucking my cock,

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rubbing my cock on people,

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my cock on people's faces,
my cock down people's throats,

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people sitting on my cock,
my cock cumming on people,

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my cock and people in general.

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It never got me into any trouble.

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In the sixth season, I said I ate a pussy.

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That's the result.

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I got a backlash on all my social media.

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People wouldn't stop flaming me,
they'd come to my Instagram inbox,

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"Rodrigo, this is outrageous!
I watch this show with my kids."

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"It's not my fault
you're in such bad company."

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"Invite people who like it, damn it."

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Flea likes it, even came to the show.

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I don't get it.

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[applause]

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"Rodrigo, you gotta understand,
they rerun the show at 11 a.m."

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I said, "I'm aware."

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"I'm also aware that you can eat pussy
during business hours."

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I actually recommend it.
There's nothing better in the morning

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than a joint, a tapioca, and a pussy.

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You can sprinkle
some grated coconut on top,

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wherever your mood strikes.

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But on the joint, it's kinda funky.

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[applause]

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I named my show <i>King of Uncouth,</i>

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but actually,
it's got nothing to do with it.

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My production team said,
"Rodrigo, listen."

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"We'll begin touring your new show
in January 2020."

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We didn't know the world was ending.

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This was back in July, or August 2019.

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I was like, "January?" "Yup."
I go, "There's not enough time."

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"It took me almost ten years
to write my first show."

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"How would I get a new show ready
in four, five months? You nuts?"

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"Good luck, Rodrigo.
We are already selling it."

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So I freaked out.

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I thought I wouldn't make it.

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And I always had this artistic dream
to have a show

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where I tell only one story.

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But what makes this story so interesting

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that it could take up a whole show?

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So I dug in.

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I took a trip down memory lane

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searching for this amazing story

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that I could tell.

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And there was nothing.

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I got even more freaked out.

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However, Lady Luck smiled on me.

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I was invited to perform
in Fernando de Noronha.

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In your faces.

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Anyone here ever been to Noronha?

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You? What do you do for a living?

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A doctor? Got it.

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The Noronha crowd.

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Back there? Someone raised their hand?

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What do you do?

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You're in Advertising? Cool.

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Anyone on this side ever been to Noronha?
Gee, this side is no good.

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Where's the other person? Here.

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What do you do?

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Lawyer? I'm not sure I wanna keep talking.

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Thank you for coming.

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I understand why most of you
never been to Noronha.

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You live here in São Paulo,
I lived in Recife, much closer.

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Not that close, it was 500km.

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But you can't get there swimming.

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And there are the sharks on the way,
which is a grind.

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I only visited Noronha
after I was living here in São Paulo.

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They invited me to do stand-up there.

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And in Noronha, I cut my toe.

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I thought it was fancy
to cut my toe in Noronha.

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Now I have a scar on my toe,
and people ask: "Rodrigo, what's that?"

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I say, "Noronha, and you? How you doing?"

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So I decided to do a show just to say
I've been to Noronha and cut my toe.

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But I thought the name
<i>I've Been to Noronha and Cut my Toe</i>

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wasn't very marketable.

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So, as a clickbait,

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I named my show <i>King of Uncouth</i>

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aiming to lure the audience here.

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And, once here, inform them that

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the purchased tickets
were actually for the show

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<i>I've Been to Noronha…</i>

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<i>and Cut my Toe.</i>

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Which starts now!

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I hope you have fun.

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-[cheers and applause]
-[reggae music]

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Can you believe
I've been to Noronha and cut my toe?

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-"How's this show in Noronha like?"
-"Rodrigo, it's a four-day festival."

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"You can stay for four days,
and do a 30-minute stand-up act."

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I say, "Perfect. That's all I want,
four days on the island."

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They go, "It'll be you
and Paulinho Serra."

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"Amazing. This is already
the best day of my life."

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Because I love Paulinho.
Paulinho is a dear friend,

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and one of the best comedians
in this country.

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I say, "Four days with Paulinho
in Noronha?"

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They go, "There's more." I ask, "More?"

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"There's also Tato from Falamansa."

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[audience whoops]

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I say, "No way, it got even better."

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'Cause it's amazing,
no matter if you're into Heavy Metal,

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when you hear:
"I wrote your name on the sand,"

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you just vibe through it.

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You can't help it.

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I went, "This is gonna be sick."

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"Man, I'm going to Noronha,
I won't even pack pants, just shorts."

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I put on my <i>Simpsons </i>shorts,
head to the airport.

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I get there, and the frowning began.

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I'm like, "I don't care.
I'm going to Noronha. I'm above all this."

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Feeling like a lawyer.

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I get into the plane,
it was full of doctors.

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The two dudes sitting behind me
had the most meaningful conversation,

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which I'll replicate for you now.

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One turns to the other and goes, "Hey!"

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The other promptly answers: "Ho!"

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Thus begins the conversation,

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"Did you know that free diving
or scuba diving in Noronha,

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and boarding a plane on the same day,

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due to the underwater pressure
plus the altitude pressure

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your head will burst open?"

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I'm like, "Say again, Champ?"

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"You're gonna keep that
between you and your pal?"

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"Flight Attendant,
this guy has a message here!"

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"If you dive and fly, you're fucked!"

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"Your head goes boom!"

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"Tylenol won't do the trick."

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We land in Noronha.

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The Federal Agents come to greet you
when you land in Noronha.

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Feds in Noronha wear shorts to work.

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I loved it. I had never seen
a Fed's calves in my life.

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That was new to me.
Feds' calves in plain sight.

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I felt at home.

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We got through, they didn't find the pot,
Paulinho hides it well.

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Maybe now,
I've just made his life more difficult.

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[laughs]

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Then we met the tour guide,

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which said something very random.
He looks at us and goes,

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"Just so you know,
Bruno Gagliasso isn't on the island."

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I go, "Who asked, damn it?"

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"Just so you know,
'cuz people always ask."

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"They think a siren goes off
when Bruno gets here."

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[imitates siren wailing]

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"Orgy!"

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I'm like, "Look…

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00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,195
[applause]

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this orgy bit,
I'm interested to know more."

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-"There's no such thing."
-"Don't bullshit me."

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00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:29,832
"It's an island, of course there is."

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00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:32,543
"I don't want any part in it,
I just wanna watch. <i>Voyeur."</i>

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It must be a beautiful thing,
seeing Giovanna Ewbank

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screwing Bruno Gagliasso,

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in comes Bruna Marquezine.
What a glorious fucking day.

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If they ask me to join, "Come, Rodrigo."

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I say, "I'm not worthy.
Thank you very much."

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I wouldn't…

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00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:51,979
[applause]

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I wouldn't wanna ruin
the orgy's BMI average.

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We got to the inn, dropped our stuff,

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and went to the nearest beach,
a secluded little bay,

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the tour guide told us we'd love
since the access by sea

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was constrained by rocks and reefs,
only small animals would get in.

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I'm like, "Great."

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So we get to the beach,

211
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,717
and Noronha is so beautiful,
really impressive.

212
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:26,430
It's me, Paulinho, the tour guide,
and that crystal clear water.

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00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,849
People in Advertising know
what I'm talking about.

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It's something else.

215
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:32,895
I'm all excited.

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And it was as if the tour guide staged it.
I've never seen anything like that.

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In the water, a shitload
of baby sharks doo-doo, doo-doo.

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00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:49,245
An impressive amount
of baby sharks doo-doo, doo-doo.

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00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:52,039
There were doo-doo, doo-doos everywhere.

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A lot of them.

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I'm super excited,
and start doing Stories.

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Paulinho is older, doesn't know
how to do Stories, he films.

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So the tour guide goes, "Hey, Rodrigo!"
I go, "What's up?"

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00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:05,261
He goes, "Let's get in?"
I go, "In the buggy to leave?"

225
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:08,514
He goes, "No. In the water." I go, "What?"

226
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,602
"What about the doo-doo, doo-doos?"

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00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,565
He goes, "It's fine."
I go, "No, it isn't!"

228
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:22,027
He goes, "They're small."
I go, "Small sharks. Finish the sentence."

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00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:24,738
"To the very end, okay?"

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00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,323
[applause]

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"They're babies."
I go, "Those are not babies, bro."

232
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:32,538
"Nobody says, 'Where's daddy's
little shark?' You nuts?"

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00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:34,415
"They're hunters!"

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00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:38,043
"I'm from Recife. I know what sharks do."

235
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:42,965
Then he made a joke,
'cause people make jokes with comedians

236
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:46,343
'cause, apparently,
taking jokes is part of our package.

237
00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:49,430
It's in our job description.

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00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:53,559
"Rodrigo, you gotta understand
that here in Noronha

239
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:56,061
animals are in their natural habitat."

240
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:59,648
"Therefore, the ecosystem
works perfectly."

241
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:04,153
"There's no reason a shark
would be interested in low-grade meat."

242
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:12,286
I go, "It'll take more than insults
to convince me to get in there, bro."

243
00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:14,663
"Besides,

244
00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:18,292
what if today
is the shark's junk food day?"

245
00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:20,628
[applause]

246
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,588
"And there's me? No."

247
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,012
The day the shark gives up
on protein shakes,

248
00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:33,265
he won't binge on this drifting potato.

249
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:36,644
Paulinho Serra got in,

250
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:40,773
despite all my warnings:
"Paulinho, Paulinho,

251
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:43,692
you're gonna lose your hand."

252
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:47,488
Anyone asks, "How did Paulinho
lose his hand?" I'll say, "Stupidity!"

253
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:50,324
I start filming,

254
00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:54,411
and about 25 meters from us,
I saw this extremely white girl.

255
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,790
Extremely white. Extremely white.
Extremely white. Extremely white.

256
00:15:57,873 --> 00:16:00,834
Extremely white. Extremely white.
Extremely white. Extremely white.

257
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,003
Like, super white.

258
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:07,216
If she was any whiter, she'd be Black.

259
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,259
She'd tip over the color palette.

260
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:11,804
Insanely white.

261
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:13,889
[applause]

262
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:21,230
I like this joke.
I'm about to sell it to a paint company.

263
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:27,319
A shark was approaching her,

264
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:31,073
not a baby shark anymore,
it was a bit bigger, it was…

265
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:32,574
It was a Flea Shark!

266
00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:38,789
A teenager shark,
a shark addicted to <i>Free Fire.</i>

267
00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:46,046
Seeing that, Paulinho thought
he should warn her about it.

268
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,215
So he craned his body and went…

269
00:16:48,632 --> 00:16:50,259
[yelling]

270
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,219
"Hey!"

271
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:53,762
"Shark!"

272
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,557
"Shark to ya!"

273
00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:58,767
Shark to ya!

274
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,437
Shark to ya! Shake!

275
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:04,481
"To ya!"

276
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:09,403
The girl raises her head, scared to death,

277
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,697
and yells back,

278
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:13,157
"Come again, dude?"

279
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,828
She was from Teresina.

280
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,501
She thought

281
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:26,920
that "shark"…

282
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:32,718
was "jerky."

283
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:38,057
"What kind of
wacky fucking jerky peddler is that?"

284
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:42,686
"Selling jerky with a garnish

285
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:44,938
I've never heard of."

286
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:48,150
It must be some type
of farofa from Noronha, I don't know.

287
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,862
We left, we were embarrassing ourselves.

288
00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:55,532
At night, we went to a bar.

289
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:58,619
The tour guide took us to a bar,
and went, "Here's the deal,

290
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:03,248
don't drink too much,
tomorrow we have an early-morning ride."

291
00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:08,128
"And if you're hungover,
you'll get seasick in no time."

292
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,214
I'm like, "I'm not sure I wanna go."

293
00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:14,593
He goes, "It's gonna be awesome."
I'm like, "Nah."

294
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:17,346
-"Everyone's going."
-"Everyone who?"

295
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:20,724
"Tato, Tato's family,
Tato's kids, Tato's wife,

296
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:22,643
a bunch of locals, I forget their names."

297
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:26,647
"Thalita Rebouças is going,
a Thalita Rebouças' friend."

298
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:28,273
Have you heard of Thalita Rebouças?

299
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:29,399
-[man 1] Yes.
-[man 2] No.

300
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,694
"Yes, no…" If you don't know her,
it makes no difference.

301
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,198
She's a great person. I loved Thalita.

302
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:39,618
But her cameo in this show
is a very short one.

303
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:42,830
There, it's over.

304
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:46,458
[applause]

305
00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:55,342
"There's gonna be music,
beer, barbecue, scuba diving."

306
00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:56,844
I say, "I'll skip the scuba diving."

307
00:18:57,678 --> 00:18:59,847
He goes, "Only if you feel like it."
I go, "I don't."

308
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,725
He goes, "Tomorrow you decide."
I go, "How about I decide now?"

309
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,564
Early morning next day,
we hop on the speedboat and go straight.

310
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:12,693
We get to the deep sea,
there are several speedboats,

311
00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:16,280
and I noticed every speedboat
had a barbecue grill. I didn't know that.

312
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,824
And the captain is in charge
of the barbecue.

313
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,285
Probably an outta scope job.

314
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,204
But it was classy.

315
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:27,499
The guy, in a sailor cap,
turning the T-bone hard to port.

316
00:19:29,042 --> 00:19:32,713
Very Captain Cook of him.

317
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:36,592
Mine was a very nice older guy,

318
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:40,554
great conversation,
heady stuff, deep-sea talk

319
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:44,600
I asked him,
"Bro, if we keep going straight ahead,

320
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,685
will we get to Africa?"

321
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:53,442
He went, "We don't have enough fuel."

322
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,406
The tour guide came in, "Hey, Rodrigo."
"What up, man?"

323
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,036
He goes: "You diving?"
I go, "We've been over this, damn it."

324
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:06,622
"I didn't get in yesterday
with the baby sharks."

325
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:10,542
"What makes you think I'd get in today
with grownup ones? You nuts?

326
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:17,299
He goes, "Here is way smoother
than where we were yesterday."

327
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,384
I go, "See how yesterday
wasn't so smooth?"

328
00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:24,348
"I can see through you, my good man."

329
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:29,061
He goes, "But here
you won't even see the sharks."

330
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:32,189
I go, "Is this supposed to be reassuring?"

331
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:37,110
-"Here they're all lemon sharks."
-"Bro, I'm not a marine biologist."

332
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:41,448
"This information means nothing to me."

333
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,243
"How am I supposed to react to that?
'Oh why didn't you say so?'"

334
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:47,913
"Geez, everyone knows
lemon sharks don't bite,

335
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,623
they just burn your eyes."

336
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,961
"I never tasted any shark lemonade!"

337
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:56,463
[applause]

338
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:00,050
Paulinho Serra seems to have
an extra set of balls.

339
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:03,053
He fears nothing.

340
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:07,140
I've never seen such a disregard
for one's own life.

341
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,851
Swimming all over the place.

342
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,729
He sees a stingray and comes back yelling,

343
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:14,022
"A stingray!"

344
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,817
And I yell back, "Run!"

345
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:21,571
He goes, "Get the GoPro from my backpack,
I wanna make a video."

346
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:22,906
I go, "Come again, Paulinho?"

347
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:26,118
-"I wanna make a video."
-"What for?"

348
00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:30,372
-"I wanna get some stingray images."
-"Go to Google, type 'stingray.'"

349
00:21:31,498 --> 00:21:33,875
"There's pages and pages, Paulinho."

350
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,585
[applause]

351
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:37,087
"Even in 4K resolution."

352
00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:42,509
"Want me to send a stingray poster
to your place?"

353
00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:44,261
"I'll send one to your place, Paulinho."

354
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:49,141
"No, it's my daughter's GoPro,
she asked me to make some videos."

355
00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:51,810
I go, "But why the stingray?
Get some barbecue shots."

356
00:21:53,186 --> 00:21:54,187
"Get the beach."

357
00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:56,940
"Can this shit zoom?
Africa is right there."

358
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,487
"Rodrigo, stingrays are peaceful."
I'm like, "Paulinho…"

359
00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:06,033
"You're not Animal Planet's cameraman."

360
00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:09,870
"Stingrays are very dangerous."

361
00:22:11,371 --> 00:22:13,749
"You know anyone attacked
by a stingray, Paulinho?"

362
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:18,670
He goes, "No, I don't."
I go, "See? No one survives."

363
00:22:20,672 --> 00:22:24,301
"You really wanna mess with that?
Then go."

364
00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:26,720
"Go!"

365
00:22:28,805 --> 00:22:29,848
And off he went.

366
00:22:29,931 --> 00:22:34,186
The stingray, clueless, looks up, <i>"Oxe?"</i>

367
00:22:36,271 --> 00:22:38,106
It was a Northeastern stingray.

368
00:22:39,816 --> 00:22:41,777
Paulinho comes back exhausted, gasping.

369
00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:45,947
He hands me the GoPro and says,
"Watch this. Behold nature."

370
00:22:46,656 --> 00:22:50,619
I watched the whole video,
almost eight minutes. Impressive.

371
00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:56,875
Paulinho Serra had the GoPro
pointing the wrong way all the time.

372
00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:01,004
The video is a react

373
00:23:02,964 --> 00:23:05,217
of Paulinho Serra seeing the stingray.

374
00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:11,390
The stingray is nowhere to be seen.

375
00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:16,686
To this day, I'm not sure
whether there even was a stingray.

376
00:23:17,979 --> 00:23:21,108
He says you can see the stingray
reflected in his eyes.

377
00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:23,777
But you gotta believe.

378
00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:29,032
The tour guide wouldn't quit,
"So, Rodrigo?" I go, "Hey, man."

379
00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:33,745
-"You're not getting in, then?"
-"Man, I've said it a few times already."

380
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,290
He goes, "It's really fine."
I say, "No, bro."

381
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:41,795
He goes, "You can't swim, is that it?"
I go, "Respect my swimmer background."

382
00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:46,425
He asks, "What is it, then?"
I go, "Bro, the thing is,

383
00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:50,053
I've got some traumas."
He asks, "Like what?"

384
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:52,389
I go, "You got time?"
He says, "I do." I go, "Then listen."

385
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:55,642
"When I was younger…"

386
00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:57,561
Not like Flea.

387
00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:00,981
I was already impacting the GDP,
I was working.

388
00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:04,651
I started saving money, I wanted

389
00:24:05,569 --> 00:24:06,695
to go to Africa,

390
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,698
specifically, to South Africa.

391
00:24:09,781 --> 00:24:13,785
I dreamed about diving
with white sharks there.

392
00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:15,996
That may sound kinda crazy,

393
00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:18,790
but I'd seen a documentary

394
00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:23,295
that said that we, the humans,
are at the top

395
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,924
of the food chain
of all animal species on Planet Earth.

396
00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:29,551
Us, we're top tier.

397
00:24:30,677 --> 00:24:31,803
A person cheered here.

398
00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:35,515
Kinda weird, but that's us.

399
00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:39,019
We're number one

400
00:24:40,187 --> 00:24:43,398
because we invented guns, cars, planes.

401
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:47,194
Not us, right?
We're all here on a fake beach. Yeah.

402
00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:50,614
Some guys…

403
00:24:50,697 --> 00:24:52,073
[applause]

404
00:24:56,286 --> 00:24:59,706
Some guys created all that,
and we were like, "Cool!"

405
00:25:01,249 --> 00:25:04,711
The white shark is ranked second.

406
00:25:06,129 --> 00:25:07,380
Unarmed.

407
00:25:09,674 --> 00:25:12,093
If it ever learns how to hold
a kitchen knife,

408
00:25:13,553 --> 00:25:15,514
we're fucked big time.

409
00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:20,977
So I wanted to make the most of
this window while we're the champs,

410
00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:25,357
look a white shark in the eye and go,
"What up, runner-up?"

411
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:31,696
That was my little Everest.
Obviously, it's a controlled dive.

412
00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:34,908
You dive inside an anti-white shark cage,

413
00:25:34,991 --> 00:25:36,409
they throw some meat,

414
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:39,329
the white sharks are attracted
by the smell of blood,

415
00:25:39,412 --> 00:25:41,790
you take a pic, post it on Insta, success.

416
00:25:43,416 --> 00:25:47,671
However, there's no guarantee
white sharks will actually show up,

417
00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:51,424
since they aren't
on the travel agency payroll.

418
00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:57,097
So there's this dilemma in the air.

419
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,642
And if they don't show up,
you don't get a refund.

420
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:02,602
You don't.

421
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:05,772
'Cause the boat went there,
and the meat was thrown.

422
00:26:05,855 --> 00:26:07,899
Then it's just a shitty ride for you

423
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:11,361
underwater with a bunch of meat
behind you.

424
00:26:12,779 --> 00:26:15,323
No caption's gonna make
this look nice on Instagram.

425
00:26:16,533 --> 00:26:17,909
Caio Fernando Abreu.

426
00:26:18,535 --> 00:26:19,703
<i>The Little Prince.</i>

427
00:26:20,537 --> 00:26:24,082
You become responsible, forever,
for the beef you have tamed.

428
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:26,459
It's useless.

429
00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:28,545
[applause]

430
00:26:33,341 --> 00:26:36,344
Why didn't I go in?
'Cause I saw this guy's video.

431
00:26:36,428 --> 00:26:38,179
I guy that could've been

432
00:26:39,472 --> 00:26:41,933
any one of us, a tourist.

433
00:26:42,684 --> 00:26:44,019
He puts his wetsuit on--

434
00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:46,104
I don't even know
why this video is online.

435
00:26:48,398 --> 00:26:51,693
Wet suit on, he's with some friends.

436
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:56,156
Before his friends get in,
he jumps in alone. Bum!

437
00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:58,825
Before the others get in,

438
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:01,828
a white shark comes in,

439
00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:04,664
and he's foaming.

440
00:27:06,207 --> 00:27:09,919
By the looks of it, I thought,
"This shark works at the post office."

441
00:27:11,921 --> 00:27:13,798
"It's delivering a package to someone."

442
00:27:17,385 --> 00:27:18,553
The shark jumps.

443
00:27:19,179 --> 00:27:21,598
I didn't know they could jump. They can.

444
00:27:21,681 --> 00:27:22,766
[blows]

445
00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:24,225
It hits the boat hull

446
00:27:25,894 --> 00:27:29,731
and falls right inside the cage.

447
00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:32,233
Some people went, "Whoa."

448
00:27:33,693 --> 00:27:38,531
And we're here with 800 people.
Picture me watching this alone in my room.

449
00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:45,622
The chain gets loose

450
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,459
and sinks the cage completely

451
00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:54,172
with the guy and the runner-up in it.

452
00:27:57,175 --> 00:27:59,719
And the guy was unarmed.

453
00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:04,516
And I don't know about you,
but unarmed, I'm not the champ anymore.

454
00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:07,769
Not even armed, actually.

455
00:28:09,062 --> 00:28:10,188
Because I can't use it.

456
00:28:11,064 --> 00:28:13,149
I guess I'm way over the top 100.

457
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:17,445
I've run from a capybara once, so…

458
00:28:18,988 --> 00:28:20,448
What could I possibly…

459
00:28:20,532 --> 00:28:22,534
[applause]

460
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:28,123
…offer in terms of danger to the jungle?

461
00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:31,626
I was doing a show in Rio Branco, Acre.

462
00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:34,045
After the show,
I was chilling in the dressing room,

463
00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:37,006
out of the blue,
a capybara pokes its head out of a bush.

464
00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:38,883
It looked me in the eye and went, "Ah!"

465
00:28:40,427 --> 00:28:42,178
And it bolted towards me.

466
00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:46,558
I don't think it recognized me.

467
00:28:49,602 --> 00:28:51,020
So I chose

468
00:28:52,272 --> 00:28:53,189
fleeing.

469
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:56,484
I thought it was
the most informed decision

470
00:28:57,569 --> 00:28:58,820
at the time.

471
00:29:01,364 --> 00:29:03,533
I don't even know how capybaras attack.

472
00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:07,537
What if I protect my belly,
and it hits my face with a flying kick?

473
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:11,458
It gets me really worried, you know?

474
00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:15,211
'Cause, at any time,
animals may insurge against us,

475
00:29:15,295 --> 00:29:17,005
and I'm not sure
if we're prepared for that.

476
00:29:17,505 --> 00:29:21,509
Our species is way more fragile
than you think.

477
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:23,636
Than we think. It really is.

478
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:25,805
You know what's
the deadliest species to man?

479
00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:27,140
Everyone thinks it's the lion,

480
00:29:28,224 --> 00:29:30,518
the shark, the hippo.
No. It's the mosquito.

481
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:33,313
This tiny.

482
00:29:34,022 --> 00:29:36,232
A small virgin asshole. That's it.

483
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:40,653
You can't gang up with your friends
and beat a mosquito up.

484
00:29:41,279 --> 00:29:44,866
The mosquito comes,
bites you, and flies off. Malaria!

485
00:29:45,992 --> 00:29:46,993
Just like that.

486
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:52,332
I forget if it's the fourth,
or fifth-deadliest animal to our species:

487
00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:53,875
the sea crocodile.

488
00:29:55,627 --> 00:29:59,339
A salt-water crocodile.

489
00:29:59,422 --> 00:30:00,882
I didn't know about it either,

490
00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:03,551
and that's why I think
it's a badass animal.

491
00:30:05,470 --> 00:30:07,722
When it comes up, people go, "What?"

492
00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:10,767
"Shouldn't you be in a river?" Bam!

493
00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:14,562
You die before finishing the question.

494
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:16,648
[applause]

495
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:23,363
You go, "I was at the beach."

496
00:30:24,405 --> 00:30:26,491
"Where did that fucking tidal bore
come from?"

497
00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:31,621
And I always wondered what species

498
00:30:32,372 --> 00:30:35,959
would I be able to defeat
in head-to-head combat?

499
00:30:40,797 --> 00:30:42,590
I think I could defeat a seal.

500
00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:45,969
'Cause seals,

501
00:30:47,470 --> 00:30:48,888
they don't have arms.

502
00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:52,725
So fuck you, Seal.

503
00:30:54,143 --> 00:30:55,436
Seal you later.

504
00:30:57,063 --> 00:30:58,523
An armlock is out of the question.

505
00:31:00,191 --> 00:31:01,526
It'd be like pole dancing.

506
00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:04,112
Slowly sliding to the ground.

507
00:31:05,572 --> 00:31:07,240
Respect the Brazilian jujitsu.

508
00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:10,118
The Gracies rule.

509
00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,081
Neither a rear-naked choke,
or it'd slip up

510
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:17,417
like a soap bar.

511
00:31:20,587 --> 00:31:22,505
I think I can defeat a pigeon.

512
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:26,217
Pigeons piss me off a bit.
It's personal, you know?

513
00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:29,470
'Cause every human being
has dreamt of being able to fly.

514
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:32,181
Pigeons can fly, but they don't.

515
00:31:33,474 --> 00:31:34,726
They'd rather take a stroll.

516
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:37,854
Jogging pigeons.

517
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:44,235
It's like seeing an Airbus on the freeway.

518
00:31:45,820 --> 00:31:48,489
You go, "What up, Airbus?"
It says, "I'm heading to Rio."

519
00:31:49,657 --> 00:31:50,491
"Surface travel?"

520
00:31:50,575 --> 00:31:52,368
He goes, "Yeah,
I'll stop at Roasted Chicken."

521
00:31:54,245 --> 00:31:56,623
Roasted Chicken is a peculiar place.

522
00:32:00,293 --> 00:32:03,671
Roasted Chicken doesn't sell
roasted chicken. What's up with that?

523
00:32:04,297 --> 00:32:06,341
I  went there and ordered roasted chicken.

524
00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:08,843
The guy says, "We don't have it."
I go, "But it's in the name."

525
00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:12,472
-"There's fried chicken though."
-"Well, let's repaint your sign, then."

526
00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:17,727
And the pigeons,
they only fly in two situations.

527
00:32:21,022 --> 00:32:22,899
Either to take a shit on our heads…

528
00:32:23,483 --> 00:32:25,401
Pigeons seem to suffer
from ass shyness, you know?

529
00:32:27,070 --> 00:32:29,155
They're hanging out
with the homies and go,

530
00:32:29,238 --> 00:32:30,657
"Guys, I'm gonna take a dump, cool?"

531
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:37,080
It flies off, unloads,
and dry-cleans its ass on the way back.

532
00:32:38,915 --> 00:32:41,376
Or when you stomp your foot.

533
00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:44,754
Then they remember, "Right, I can fly!"

534
00:32:48,341 --> 00:32:50,343
[applause]

535
00:32:51,260 --> 00:32:52,345
Three!

536
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:57,392
They flap their wings three times
to the nearest sidewalk.

537
00:32:58,434 --> 00:33:01,813
"Go see the world, goddamit.
Fly off to Europe, or Oceania."

538
00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:06,359
They prefer to cosplay
as homeless downtown.

539
00:33:08,236 --> 00:33:10,113
Fucking birdbrains.

540
00:33:15,451 --> 00:33:17,495
I'm not saying I wanna beat up a pigeon.

541
00:33:18,454 --> 00:33:22,333
I don't wanna be misinterpreted by anyone.

542
00:33:23,584 --> 00:33:25,211
I'm a pet-friendly guy.

543
00:33:27,755 --> 00:33:29,674
I've had pets as a kid.

544
00:33:30,258 --> 00:33:32,260
My dream was to have

545
00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:36,347
a Siberian husky, but my mom prohibited…

546
00:33:38,391 --> 00:33:40,893
allegedly 'cause we lived in Recife,

547
00:33:41,477 --> 00:33:43,521
and the husky was Siberian.

548
00:33:46,357 --> 00:33:47,442
So…

549
00:33:50,528 --> 00:33:52,572
we reached an agreement

550
00:33:54,073 --> 00:33:56,242
it'd be too much of a displacement.

551
00:33:58,244 --> 00:34:02,707
Therefore, if anyone here today,
or watching this

552
00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:05,877
is a big fan of Luisa Mell

553
00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:08,671
or John Wick…

554
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:14,802
I wanna make it clear
I'm against animal cruelty.

555
00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:20,391
I'm just saying,
if I ever had to battle a pigeon

556
00:34:20,475 --> 00:34:24,979
to have humanity go up a few positions

557
00:34:25,063 --> 00:34:28,066
in the food chain ranking, I'd say, "Yes."

558
00:34:29,317 --> 00:34:30,902
I'm ready for this fight.

559
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:34,155
But I'm not calling out the pigeon.

560
00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:38,201
However, for humanity,
and if the fucker attacks me first,

561
00:34:38,284 --> 00:34:39,786
I'll make it "coo" in no time.

562
00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:42,955
I'm game, goddamn it.

563
00:34:43,039 --> 00:34:45,041
[applause]

564
00:34:52,673 --> 00:34:55,676
Everyone freaking out on the boat.
The guy underwater with the shark.

565
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:57,011
People wouldn't stop screaming.

566
00:34:57,595 --> 00:35:00,389
[ululating]

567
00:35:00,473 --> 00:35:03,101
Those were different languages
compiled for you.

568
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:06,104
Silence.

569
00:35:10,983 --> 00:35:12,985
Blood starts surfacing. A lot of blood.

570
00:35:14,237 --> 00:35:15,488
[laughs]

571
00:35:16,155 --> 00:35:16,989
A lot of blood.

572
00:35:18,199 --> 00:35:20,159
People get even more freaked out.

573
00:35:20,243 --> 00:35:22,870
The shark swims off.
Apparently, it was the shark's blood.

574
00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:24,914
It cut itself on the way out.

575
00:35:24,997 --> 00:35:28,251
It's probably fine, it's a white shark,
it must be showing off the scar

576
00:35:28,334 --> 00:35:33,047
to other sharks and saying, "This is from
my fight with the world's champ."

577
00:35:34,882 --> 00:35:39,011
The water becomes still,
the blood clears, and a head emerges

578
00:35:39,095 --> 00:35:40,346
attached to the body.

579
00:35:41,514 --> 00:35:46,102
People fish the guy out.
He's walking in a very strange way.

580
00:35:46,644 --> 00:35:48,980
But I don't know how he used to walk.

581
00:35:51,858 --> 00:35:53,609
But he looked affected.

582
00:35:53,693 --> 00:35:54,861
[laughs]

583
00:35:56,654 --> 00:35:59,782
Man, it was kinda like… No.

584
00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:07,790
They take his goggles off,
start to ask questions,

585
00:36:07,874 --> 00:36:11,127
he's totally silent. They sit him down,
the camera zooms in on his face.

586
00:36:11,210 --> 00:36:13,713
Everyone screaming, he's silent,
the camera zooms in on his eyes.

587
00:36:13,796 --> 00:36:16,174
Everyone screaming, he's silent,
camera zooms in on one eye.

588
00:36:16,257 --> 00:36:19,093
Everyone screaming, he's silent,
the camera zooms in on his pupil.

589
00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:22,221
Everyone screaming, he's silent,
and the video ends.

590
00:36:24,223 --> 00:36:26,934
That was when I said,
"I'm not fucking going."

591
00:36:27,768 --> 00:36:30,771
You could see he was physically unharmed,

592
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:34,275
but you could glimpse in his gaze

593
00:36:35,067 --> 00:36:39,572
it was gonna be at least ten years
of Tuesdays and Thursdays at the therapy.

594
00:36:40,907 --> 00:36:42,783
And my health insurance
doesn't cover that.

595
00:36:44,118 --> 00:36:46,120
[applause]

596
00:36:50,333 --> 00:36:52,418
Not to mention he probably shat himself,

597
00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:57,340
and you can only take off the wetsuit
by pulling it up.

598
00:36:59,550 --> 00:37:03,763
So it leaves a trail of shit and shame

599
00:37:04,430 --> 00:37:08,100
from your asshole all the way
to your neck so that people can ask,

600
00:37:08,184 --> 00:37:10,770
"Weren't you the white shark badass?
Shit your pants, my man?"

601
00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:15,066
The guy, "No, I shat myself
to rub it in the shark's eye."

602
00:37:15,691 --> 00:37:17,610
"The shark is down there with pink eye."

603
00:37:18,236 --> 00:37:21,197
The shark's going,
"Can anyone blow here, please?"

604
00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:25,826
"Not sure what happened.
They threw some meat,

605
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:30,414
I thought it was for me and ran,
I jumped for joy,

606
00:37:30,498 --> 00:37:33,542
hit something, fell inside a cage,
a guy was there, I yelled, 'Wait!'"

607
00:37:34,418 --> 00:37:37,255
"Can you believe the guy stuck his finger
in his ass and poked my eye?"

608
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:39,215
"Twice!"

609
00:37:39,298 --> 00:37:40,800
[applause]

610
00:37:40,883 --> 00:37:45,137
"What kinda fucking strike is this, bro?"

611
00:37:47,723 --> 00:37:49,308
"I even cut myself on the way out."

612
00:37:50,559 --> 00:37:52,853
"If I figure out that kitchen knife,
he's fucked."

613
00:37:56,691 --> 00:37:59,568
The other time, it was in Manaus.
If you can go there, go.

614
00:37:59,652 --> 00:38:00,945
All you doctors.

615
00:38:03,531 --> 00:38:05,116
Manaus is impressive.

616
00:38:06,409 --> 00:38:09,787
What a wonderful city, it's beautiful.
And when you go to the forest,

617
00:38:10,371 --> 00:38:13,666
wherever you look,
it feels like a Windows wallpaper.

618
00:38:13,749 --> 00:38:14,834
Impressive.

619
00:38:15,418 --> 00:38:19,714
I remember seeing a tree and thinking,
"I think it was in my laptop last week."

620
00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:21,966
The exact same tree.

621
00:38:22,591 --> 00:38:25,386
I struck a friendship
with a local tour guide, and I said,

622
00:38:25,469 --> 00:38:28,139
"Take me to see things,
I'm leaving tomorrow."

623
00:38:28,222 --> 00:38:31,809
"I wanna see everything, forests,
rivers, Indians, the whole shebang."

624
00:38:32,351 --> 00:38:34,145
I've always been crazy about Indians.

625
00:38:34,228 --> 00:38:38,858
Seriously. They got here before us,
so they know stuff. They're the real deal.

626
00:38:39,692 --> 00:38:43,696
And I'd only seen Indians at school,
on Indian Day,

627
00:38:43,779 --> 00:38:46,407
and those were my friends
dressed as Indians,

628
00:38:47,658 --> 00:38:48,951
so I don't think it counts.

629
00:38:49,577 --> 00:38:51,078
Curly-haired Indians.

630
00:38:51,996 --> 00:38:52,997
Fat Indians.

631
00:38:54,123 --> 00:38:56,292
Everyone knows fat Indians are forbidden.

632
00:38:58,002 --> 00:38:59,253
So we left.

633
00:39:00,046 --> 00:39:02,798
The guy goes, "Rodrigo,
we're gonna visit an Indian tribe

634
00:39:02,882 --> 00:39:04,258
in the heart of the forest."

635
00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:06,594
And I'm like, "On the edge would be fine."

636
00:39:07,845 --> 00:39:10,973
And we walked and walked,
it was fucking far,

637
00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:14,060
but the visuals were amazing.
And suddenly, it opens up.

638
00:39:15,394 --> 00:39:17,563
The woods open up, fucking amazing.

639
00:39:17,646 --> 00:39:20,649
A huge Indian tribe, enormous.

640
00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:22,526
Way more badass than at school.

641
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,989
You could see those guys
would get good grades.

642
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:32,036
I became friends with an Indian
named Kuiaiá.

643
00:39:32,703 --> 00:39:34,955
Great human being. Great Indian.

644
00:39:36,415 --> 00:39:39,210
Kuiaiá is like Enzo in our world.

645
00:39:41,337 --> 00:39:42,922
I started chatting with Kuiaiá.

646
00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:46,675
And Kuiaiá says, "Rodrigo,
if you keep walking in this way,

647
00:39:47,385 --> 00:39:50,012
into the deep forest…"
I'm like, "Nah, I'm not going."

648
00:39:51,138 --> 00:39:53,557
"But if you did…"
I go, "No, I know myself."

649
00:39:54,725 --> 00:39:56,018
"I'm with the ones who stay."

650
00:39:57,728 --> 00:40:00,106
"You're an Indian and you're here.
Why the fuck I'd go there?"

651
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:07,696
"Have you ever been there?"

652
00:40:07,780 --> 00:40:10,074
He goes, "Never." I go,
"So what you talking about, Kuiaiá?"

653
00:40:12,701 --> 00:40:15,663
He goes, "If you walk for ten days
and ten nights into the forest,

654
00:40:15,746 --> 00:40:18,249
you'll get to an Indian tribe
no one's ever seen."

655
00:40:18,332 --> 00:40:20,459
I go, "And how would you know that?"

656
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:23,212
He says, "The shaman told me."

657
00:40:23,295 --> 00:40:25,297
I go, "And you'll fall
for that shaman talk, Kuiaiá?"

658
00:40:30,136 --> 00:40:33,556
He was carving something while we talked.

659
00:40:34,056 --> 00:40:36,434
When he finished, he showed me.

660
00:40:36,517 --> 00:40:41,397
It was a wooden sloth on a string
with a little swing underneath. Beautiful.

661
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:45,526
I say, "Wow, Kuiaiá, amazing. Congrats."
He goes, "Did you like it?"

662
00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:49,655
I say, "I loved it." He goes, "For real?"
I say, "For real. You're an artist."

663
00:40:50,364 --> 00:40:52,741
He asks, "You want it?"
I go, "You giving it to me?"

664
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:54,743
"Of course I want it, Kuiaiá."

665
00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:56,912
He goes, "I'm selling it."

666
00:41:00,541 --> 00:41:03,043
I go, "Capitalism has arrived here.
Right, Kuiaiá?"

667
00:41:06,130 --> 00:41:08,466
He goes, "You want it?"
I say, "No. I don't want it anymore."

668
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:13,012
He asks, "Why not?"
I say, "I thought it was a gift."

669
00:41:13,512 --> 00:41:15,347
"It's not like my place is in need

670
00:41:15,973 --> 00:41:17,349
of living room decoration."

671
00:41:18,559 --> 00:41:20,144
He goes, "Take it to remember me by."

672
00:41:20,227 --> 00:41:22,229
I go, "I have a pretty
fucking good memory, Kuiaiá."

673
00:41:24,023 --> 00:41:25,733
"I've taken some pictures,
made some videos."

674
00:41:29,862 --> 00:41:31,864
He goes, "Seriously, Rodrigo,
this one is special."

675
00:41:32,490 --> 00:41:35,284
I go, "Kuiaiá, I can see
another 80 back there."

676
00:41:37,578 --> 00:41:41,207
He says, "But you saw me making this one."
I go, "That's Indian bullshit, Kuiaiá."

677
00:41:42,416 --> 00:41:43,501
"How much is it?"

678
00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:46,837
He goes, "Fifty." I ask, "Reais?"

679
00:41:48,339 --> 00:41:50,508
I'm not sure there's some kinda
Indian cryptocurrency.

680
00:41:52,259 --> 00:41:54,178
But I thought it was an outrageous price.

681
00:41:55,262 --> 00:41:58,724
I go, "50? Seriously?"
He goes, "Yeah." I go, "Damn it, Kuiaiá."

682
00:41:58,807 --> 00:42:00,768
"I told you I'm living
in São Paulo now, didn't I?"

683
00:42:01,810 --> 00:42:04,855
"There's a place in São Paulo
called 25 de Março."

684
00:42:06,690 --> 00:42:10,694
"It's this way, 35 days
into the deep forest."

685
00:42:11,445 --> 00:42:12,738
[applause]

686
00:42:12,821 --> 00:42:14,031
"Straight this way."

687
00:42:18,285 --> 00:42:19,161
"You'll find…"

688
00:42:21,247 --> 00:42:23,082
"You'll find some guys' tribe,

689
00:42:24,625 --> 00:42:26,669
where for 15 reais, Kuiaiá…

690
00:42:28,295 --> 00:42:30,464
you get the Spider-Man

691
00:42:32,049 --> 00:42:33,842
with a machine gun."

692
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:43,269
"Do you realize Spider-Man
doesn't even carry a machine gun?"

693
00:42:44,436 --> 00:42:45,729
"That's a plus

694
00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:50,651
they give you at 25 de Março
that Marvel doesn't."

695
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:56,198
"And you wanna sell me
an unarmed wooden sloth for fifty bucks,

696
00:42:57,575 --> 00:42:59,660
I'm not even sure could take on a seal?"

697
00:43:01,453 --> 00:43:04,748
He goes, "But it's handmade."
I go, "Of course, it is, Kuiaiá!"

698
00:43:05,332 --> 00:43:08,919
"Who'd waste time creating a machine
to make wooden sloths?"

699
00:43:11,088 --> 00:43:14,550
"It's not like the planet needs them
to the extent of applying Fordism,

700
00:43:14,633 --> 00:43:18,012
setting up a mass production assembly line

701
00:43:18,095 --> 00:43:21,307
to meet the global demands
for wooden sloths, Kuiaiá!"

702
00:43:23,517 --> 00:43:27,062
-"How much would you pay for it?"
-"I don't wanna offend you, Kuiaiá."

703
00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:32,651
He goes, "Give me a figure."
I go, "Kuiaiá…

704
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:41,243
I'll give you two Spider-Men."

705
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:43,287
I thought it was a fair price.

706
00:43:43,954 --> 00:43:45,122
Kuiaiá did too.

707
00:43:45,914 --> 00:43:49,084
My mistake was opening my wallet.
There was only one bill in it.

708
00:43:50,210 --> 00:43:51,170
[woman]
Fifty.

709
00:43:51,253 --> 00:43:52,546
It's as if you guys were there.

710
00:43:54,632 --> 00:43:56,008
It was a 50 reais bill.

711
00:43:56,884 --> 00:43:58,636
The moment Kuiaiá laid eyes on it…

712
00:44:00,929 --> 00:44:06,310
I glimpsed in his eyes,
for the first time, the Indian rage.

713
00:44:08,562 --> 00:44:10,147
I thought, "He'll shoot an arrow at me."

714
00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:13,359
"I'm not even sure
running will do any good."

715
00:44:14,443 --> 00:44:17,821
"What if Kuiaiá is
some kinda Indian sniper?"

716
00:44:19,782 --> 00:44:22,576
"I'm not in the mood
for a brazilwood headshot."

717
00:44:24,620 --> 00:44:27,164
Kuiaiá was silent for three long seconds,

718
00:44:27,247 --> 00:44:30,250
which is a lot of awkward time
between two people.

719
00:44:30,334 --> 00:44:32,586
More so in the middle of a forest.

720
00:44:32,670 --> 00:44:35,589
When he finally
breaks the silence by ranting

721
00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:37,341
"That's fucked up, Rodrigo."

722
00:44:39,134 --> 00:44:42,262
I go, "I didn't know, Kuiaiá!
I'd never bargain like this

723
00:44:42,346 --> 00:44:45,057
if I knew I had a 50.
Do you have a 20 for change?"

724
00:44:46,141 --> 00:44:47,267
He says, "I don't."

725
00:44:47,351 --> 00:44:51,063
I go, "How do you intend to be
the forest businessman without change?"

726
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:56,402
Everything I say in this show is true,
but what I'll tell you next,

727
00:44:56,485 --> 00:44:59,363
if I were one of you, I'd be suspicious.

728
00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:03,575
That said, I'll mention it beforehand,

729
00:45:04,284 --> 00:45:08,163
you can double-check the following facts.

730
00:45:09,331 --> 00:45:12,126
Kuiaiá leans his body to the right

731
00:45:12,209 --> 00:45:16,130
and pulls from his Guarani shoulder bag

732
00:45:17,047 --> 00:45:19,675
a credit card terminal.

733
00:45:20,759 --> 00:45:22,761
[applause]

734
00:45:28,267 --> 00:45:30,436
I went, "Go fuck yourself, Kuiaiá!"

735
00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:33,230
"There's not even connection here, bro."

736
00:45:35,649 --> 00:45:38,569
"In the old days you'd settle
for some mirrors."

737
00:45:41,947 --> 00:45:43,532
"And to me is debit or credit?"

738
00:45:45,576 --> 00:45:46,618
The connection was working.

739
00:45:49,329 --> 00:45:54,710
To this day, I'm not sure how.
In the middle of the forest, connection.

740
00:45:56,086 --> 00:45:57,087
I don't know how.

741
00:45:57,755 --> 00:46:00,299
Probably monkeys running around
with routers on their heads.

742
00:46:07,014 --> 00:46:10,559
To this day, it sparks my curiosity,
how could there be connection in a place

743
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:13,061
where a jaguar can just jump you

744
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:16,064
while you're 4G goes to shit.

745
00:46:16,899 --> 00:46:18,817
There was an Indian streaming a video,

746
00:46:20,277 --> 00:46:21,904
while fishing on Twitch TV.

747
00:46:28,660 --> 00:46:29,787
I paid by card.

748
00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:31,705
Nubank.

749
00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:34,666
Credit.

750
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:39,046
I got an instant notification on my cell,

751
00:46:39,129 --> 00:46:41,715
"Kuiaiá Handcrafts, Inc."

752
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:45,177
I go, "Go fuck yourself, Kuiaiá."

753
00:46:45,260 --> 00:46:46,762
[applause]

754
00:46:47,763 --> 00:46:49,556
I purchased it, for real.

755
00:46:51,058 --> 00:46:54,061
It's hanging on my closet's doorknob.

756
00:46:54,144 --> 00:46:58,148
Every night, I look that sloth in the eye
and I say, "Kuiaiá…"

757
00:47:00,025 --> 00:47:00,984
And I fall asleep.

758
00:47:02,402 --> 00:47:03,445
It's my Lexotan.

759
00:47:06,240 --> 00:47:07,324
We head to the rivers.

760
00:47:07,407 --> 00:47:10,077
There are two rivers in Brazil,
Rio Negro and Solimões River,

761
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:15,082
whose waters run side by side
without mixing. They meet and repel.

762
00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:18,293
Craziness. It's an old feud,
I don't know what happened, it wasn't me.

763
00:47:19,294 --> 00:47:21,338
There, the guy goes,
"Put your hand in the water."

764
00:47:21,421 --> 00:47:23,382
I put it in,
it must've been Rio Negro, it's cold.

765
00:47:23,465 --> 00:47:27,719
When you go over to Solimões, it's warm.
As if God had taken a piss in the water.

766
00:47:28,428 --> 00:47:32,349
Then the guy goes, "Rodrigo, this is
a good place for diving. Do you dive?"

767
00:47:33,308 --> 00:47:35,394
"People come from
all over the world to dive here

768
00:47:35,477 --> 00:47:37,312
because they leave with a renewed spirit."

769
00:47:37,938 --> 00:47:40,274
I go, "My spirit is fine,
thank you very much."

770
00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:44,570
He asks, "Aren't you diving?"
I say, "No." He asks, "Why?"

771
00:47:44,653 --> 00:47:47,364
"Because they shot Anaconda here,
and I watched it twice."

772
00:47:49,825 --> 00:47:52,035
He goes, "It's fine."
I say, "You haven't seen the movie."

773
00:47:54,162 --> 00:47:56,290
He goes, "It's fine,
just don't take a piss."

774
00:47:56,790 --> 00:47:59,042
I go, "I don't feel like it,
but what's wrong with it?"

775
00:48:00,252 --> 00:48:01,670
And no one took a piss in the movie.

776
00:48:02,588 --> 00:48:04,798
"There's this fish called candiru,

777
00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:07,676
and if you pee, it gets inside your cock

778
00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:09,928
and eats you from the inside out."

779
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:17,853
I go, "Why would I dive in a place
with such a hostile enemy?"

780
00:48:20,147 --> 00:48:22,608
"In Recife, my mother used to say

781
00:48:23,609 --> 00:48:26,945
that if you peed,
the pool chlorine would change color."

782
00:48:27,946 --> 00:48:30,532
"Here in Manaus, I find this punishment

783
00:48:31,950 --> 00:48:33,452
a tad harsher."

784
00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:38,498
He goes, "Just don't pee.
Can't you hold it in?"

785
00:48:38,582 --> 00:48:40,083
I go, "Sure, I can."

786
00:48:40,918 --> 00:48:46,256
"Problem is, I'm in the water,
a snake shows up, I get scared,

787
00:48:47,257 --> 00:48:48,800
there'll be a three-drop leakage."

788
00:48:50,218 --> 00:48:56,016
"And I don't know if the candiru
will be able to tell a scare leak

789
00:48:56,808 --> 00:49:00,020
from a piss of utter disrespect
to its home."

790
00:49:00,854 --> 00:49:03,398
"And not being able to tell,

791
00:49:03,482 --> 00:49:06,234
it can very well get into my cock
and do its thing."

792
00:49:07,235 --> 00:49:10,072
"I don't even wanna know
what happens if I shit my pants."

793
00:49:10,822 --> 00:49:14,076
"In come the machine gun-armed dolphins
to butt-fuck me? Nah."

794
00:49:14,159 --> 00:49:15,869
[applause]

795
00:49:15,953 --> 00:49:17,162
"I won't risk it."

796
00:49:24,878 --> 00:49:26,171
"See why I'm not getting in?"

797
00:49:27,297 --> 00:49:29,633
"Here's different, Rodrigo,
you're in Noronha,

798
00:49:29,716 --> 00:49:31,301
not South Africa or Manaus."

799
00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:32,886
"It's all water, bro."

800
00:49:32,970 --> 00:49:35,722
"The biggest danger I'm willing to face
in the water today is chlorine."

801
00:49:36,431 --> 00:49:40,185
He goes, "Rodrigo, it's fine."
I go, "I won't go. You heard me, bro."

802
00:49:42,104 --> 00:49:44,439
Also listening to this whole conversation

803
00:49:45,524 --> 00:49:46,566
was Tato,

804
00:49:48,443 --> 00:49:49,403
from Falamansa.

805
00:49:50,821 --> 00:49:52,906
He comes walking to us and says,

806
00:49:53,615 --> 00:49:55,117
"I was listening to the whole thing."

807
00:49:56,201 --> 00:49:58,829
Actually, this was how I knew

808
00:49:59,663 --> 00:50:01,790
he was listening to the whole thing.

809
00:50:04,876 --> 00:50:06,503
He goes, "Aren't you getting in?"

810
00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:09,256
I go, "Weren't you listening
to the whole thing?"

811
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:17,556
Tato is a poet, musician,
songwriter, artist, ludic, long-haired.

812
00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:20,267
He says nice things,

813
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:25,063
loose words of wisdom,
then leaves you to chew on them.

814
00:50:26,648 --> 00:50:27,733
He goes, "Rodrigo,

815
00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,819
my kids are in the water."

816
00:50:30,902 --> 00:50:33,822
I say, "It's not my fault, Tato,
if you don't appreciate them."

817
00:50:36,199 --> 00:50:40,579
He goes, "Rodrigo,
you and the sea, reciprocity."

818
00:50:41,204 --> 00:50:43,999
I go, "Tato, I don't even know
what that means."

819
00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:47,586
He says, "Nature is abstract."

820
00:50:48,420 --> 00:50:50,630
"You can't be tangent to it."

821
00:50:51,214 --> 00:50:53,592
I go, "Tato, go fuck yourself."

822
00:50:55,427 --> 00:50:59,723
"Are you bullshitting me?
What fucking tangent is that, Tato?"

823
00:51:00,432 --> 00:51:02,642
And Tato is here, he knows it's true.

824
00:51:04,811 --> 00:51:07,814
I go, "They're lemon sharks, bro.
It's the killer Pepsi Twist."

825
00:51:08,899 --> 00:51:10,025
"Are you insane?"

826
00:51:11,651 --> 00:51:14,529
Everyone got in.

827
00:51:16,073 --> 00:51:17,783
Only Captain Cook and I
remained on the boat.

828
00:51:19,367 --> 00:51:22,954
I was drinking, and when I drink,
I get bold, so I go, "Captain Cook!"

829
00:51:24,498 --> 00:51:26,249
"If you wanna get in, I'll hold the fort."

830
00:51:29,586 --> 00:51:31,421
But he wasn't interested.

831
00:51:32,380 --> 00:51:35,675
But he saw I was drinking
and treated me like a child.

832
00:51:35,759 --> 00:51:37,803
He gave me an idea that seemed awesome,

833
00:51:37,886 --> 00:51:41,473
but when I woke up the next day,
first thing I said was, "Captain Cook…"

834
00:51:42,474 --> 00:51:44,976
He asked me,
"Rodrigo, are you afraid of the sharks?"

835
00:51:45,060 --> 00:51:47,562
"Nonsense. Just stay near the boat."

836
00:51:48,814 --> 00:51:52,317
"So if the sharks come,
they'll get to the others first."

837
00:51:54,152 --> 00:51:56,154
I go, "That's true, Captain Cook."

838
00:51:57,823 --> 00:51:59,783
"By the time they're done
with the appetizers,

839
00:52:01,535 --> 00:52:03,829
I'd have climbed back on board."

840
00:52:04,496 --> 00:52:07,958
"And if they come get me up here,
I won't even try to run, they earned it."

841
00:52:09,501 --> 00:52:13,755
"I wouldn't dare get in the way
of Darwinism happening before my eyes."

842
00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:19,636
I get in.

843
00:52:26,518 --> 00:52:28,103
I got water in my goggles.

844
00:52:29,354 --> 00:52:31,022
I climbed back up, disappointed,

845
00:52:31,940 --> 00:52:35,443
seeing the goggles had failed
in its only purpose.

846
00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:39,948
I yell to the tour guide, "Bro,
there's water getting in my goggles!"

847
00:52:40,740 --> 00:52:42,826
He goes, "Spit and put them back on."

848
00:52:44,161 --> 00:52:49,416
"Please repeat that louder,
because I heard something absurd here."

849
00:52:51,793 --> 00:52:54,087
He goes, "Spit and put them back on."

850
00:52:54,796 --> 00:52:56,631
I go, "That's your fetish, not mine!"

851
00:52:57,924 --> 00:53:00,135
He goes, "That's the way they work."
I go, "No way."

852
00:53:00,802 --> 00:53:02,637
He goes, "Seriously."
I go, "Let's call CS."

853
00:53:03,138 --> 00:53:05,682
"Let's do that together,
and put it on speaker."

854
00:53:07,517 --> 00:53:09,102
"Rodrigo, just spit and put them on."

855
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,229
I go, "I'm not spitting
and putting them on."

856
00:53:11,938 --> 00:53:13,315
He goes, "Want me to spit for you?"

857
00:53:14,774 --> 00:53:16,651
I go, "I ain't your bitches."

858
00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:20,238
So I solved it my own way, right?

859
00:53:20,322 --> 00:53:22,324
[applause]

860
00:53:26,244 --> 00:53:27,495
Which was diving…

861
00:53:45,722 --> 00:53:48,016
"Noronha is impressive underwater."

862
00:53:48,099 --> 00:53:50,602
And I was so scared
some creature could jump on me.

863
00:53:51,394 --> 00:53:53,396
And then it did. A sea turtle.

864
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:57,108
Underwater, they're agile as fuck.
I wasn't aware of that.

865
00:53:57,776 --> 00:54:01,905
Not sure if they're all like that,
but mine definitely had some nitro boost.

866
00:54:04,115 --> 00:54:06,034
Perhaps it got into a whale's vacuum,

867
00:54:07,202 --> 00:54:09,454
or it was going downhill,
or something like that.

868
00:54:09,537 --> 00:54:12,040
Someone threw it in and went,
"Move, damn it!"

869
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:16,044
And it was huge. A big, fat Michelangelo.

870
00:54:17,963 --> 00:54:22,425
It zooms past me, and not knowing
how to react, I yell: "Turtle!"

871
00:54:23,093 --> 00:54:24,469
But underwater it sounds like…

872
00:54:24,552 --> 00:54:26,388
[yells]

873
00:54:27,764 --> 00:54:29,224
It gives me this fuming look.

874
00:54:30,558 --> 00:54:32,727
It was an activist turtle.

875
00:54:33,853 --> 00:54:35,272
It threw a straw at me.

876
00:54:37,232 --> 00:54:39,609
It had a Greenpeace tattoo on its shell,

877
00:54:40,402 --> 00:54:43,238
an IBAMA pin, a Speedo cap,

878
00:54:44,322 --> 00:54:46,116
and some TAMAR Project flyers.

879
00:54:48,576 --> 00:54:50,537
It steps on the gas and leaves fuming.

880
00:54:50,620 --> 00:54:54,291
Unfazed, I kept looking at it, thinking,
"Fucking beautiful creature."

881
00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:56,126
And then, I get water in my goggles.

882
00:54:56,793 --> 00:55:00,797
I surface back,
drain the goggles, my eyes get clear,

883
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:03,591
and I see a fin in the distance.

884
00:55:04,092 --> 00:55:06,678
I go, "Wow, nice. Death is coming." So…

885
00:55:08,972 --> 00:55:10,307
I jump back into the boat…

886
00:55:13,101 --> 00:55:14,602
with a sweet tachycardia…

887
00:55:16,813 --> 00:55:19,816
sit down on the chair, "I'm alive."

888
00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:23,028
And then my watch buzzes.
I take a look and it says,

889
00:55:23,111 --> 00:55:25,322
"Congratulations, Rodrigo,
you started a new run."

890
00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:32,996
This watch doesn't know shit.

891
00:55:33,079 --> 00:55:35,081
[applause]

892
00:55:39,002 --> 00:55:41,212
The tour guide comes close
to the boat and goes,

893
00:55:41,296 --> 00:55:44,132
"What happened, bro?
Get back in the water."

894
00:55:45,008 --> 00:55:48,053
I go, "No." He asks, "Why not?"
I say, "It's there."

895
00:55:48,136 --> 00:55:50,263
He asks, "What?"
I say, "There, the beast."

896
00:55:51,973 --> 00:55:54,434
He asks, "What?"
I say, "The shark. The lemon killer."

897
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:58,772
He asks, "Over there?"
I say, "In the flesh, bro."

898
00:55:58,855 --> 00:56:00,940
He says, "Wait, I'll go check."
I say, "What?"

899
00:56:04,527 --> 00:56:07,030
How much does the travel agency
pay these people?

900
00:56:08,782 --> 00:56:10,575
So you point them to death,

901
00:56:11,409 --> 00:56:13,036
and they go face it?

902
00:56:13,661 --> 00:56:14,871
"Can hardly wait!"

903
00:56:15,872 --> 00:56:17,207
And off he goes.

904
00:56:17,290 --> 00:56:19,334
I go, "What fucking hazard pay is that?"

905
00:56:20,460 --> 00:56:23,463
"Paulinho, get back on the boat,
the tour guide is already lost!"

906
00:56:25,090 --> 00:56:27,884
"Nice kid. Didn't deserve to die
just because of a weird goggle fetish."

907
00:56:33,056 --> 00:56:35,475
The tour guide comes back
after less than five minutes.

908
00:56:35,558 --> 00:56:37,769
He goes, "Rodrigo, get back in the water!"

909
00:56:37,852 --> 00:56:39,479
-"I'm fine."
-"Get back in, man."

910
00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:40,772
I go, "I'm fine. Thanks."

911
00:56:41,648 --> 00:56:44,275
He goes, "It's not a shark."
I ask, "What is it?"

912
00:56:44,359 --> 00:56:45,443
He says, "A dolphin."

913
00:56:46,945 --> 00:56:48,571
I go, "I'm also afraid of them."

914
00:56:51,616 --> 00:56:53,743
-You guys afraid of dolphins?
-[audience] No!

915
00:56:53,827 --> 00:56:55,245
Well, then you are the badass.

916
00:56:56,621 --> 00:56:59,499
Someone answered, "I've never seen one."

917
00:57:00,125 --> 00:57:02,210
That's great, how cute.

918
00:57:04,170 --> 00:57:06,005
But it doesn't make any sense.

919
00:57:07,006 --> 00:57:09,134
Because I've never seen
an unpinned grenade…

920
00:57:12,637 --> 00:57:15,515
and I know I'm afraid of it.

921
00:57:16,975 --> 00:57:18,435
But it's cool you aren't afraid.

922
00:57:18,518 --> 00:57:20,812
Let me find a couple here…
You two are a couple?

923
00:57:21,604 --> 00:57:23,106
Been together for how long?

924
00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:26,943
Three years together? Gee, that's nice.

925
00:57:27,026 --> 00:57:30,029
Three years together,
and an eight-month-old kid.

926
00:57:30,572 --> 00:57:31,406
That's it.

927
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:33,741
Game over, right?

928
00:57:34,701 --> 00:57:37,412
And you're not afraid of dolphins. Great.
What's your name?

929
00:57:38,079 --> 00:57:40,832
Luana. What do you do for a living, Luana?

930
00:57:41,749 --> 00:57:43,751
Teacher? What do you teach?

931
00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:49,424
Kindergarten? Wow, that's great, Luana.

932
00:57:51,551 --> 00:57:53,845
Getting rich is out of the question.
But that's nice, Luana.

933
00:57:55,346 --> 00:57:58,099
They should pay you more, for sure.
But I'm happy for you.

934
00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:00,393
It must be very rewarding.

935
00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:02,061
-What's your name, pal?
-[man] Samuel.

936
00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:04,731
What do you do for a living?
Samuel and Luana.

937
00:58:04,814 --> 00:58:05,857
[man]
I'm a stagehand.

938
00:58:05,940 --> 00:58:08,485
You're a stagehand?
That's it, the guy of the change.

939
00:58:10,403 --> 00:58:12,447
He's out to make a change of scenery.

940
00:58:12,530 --> 00:58:13,865
[applause]

941
00:58:14,908 --> 00:58:16,075
All over the world.

942
00:58:16,159 --> 00:58:17,160
[laughs]

943
00:58:22,832 --> 00:58:26,252
Three years together, you decide
to go to Noronha to celebrate.

944
00:58:26,336 --> 00:58:29,297
Let's do it every four years,
like the World Cup.

945
00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:33,676
You guys hop on a plane, get to Noronha,

946
00:58:34,969 --> 00:58:38,473
take a boat, get into the deep sea,
and go diving.

947
00:58:38,556 --> 00:58:40,892
Samuel decides to go first,
he puts on his trunks,

948
00:58:40,975 --> 00:58:43,186
a nice change of scenery.

949
00:58:49,567 --> 00:58:51,027
[chuckles]

950
00:58:54,531 --> 00:58:58,117
Luana is still on the boat,
on Zoom teaching a class

951
00:59:00,620 --> 00:59:02,914
Parents holding down their kids,
"Look at the teacher!"

952
00:59:07,627 --> 00:59:08,878
[laughs]

953
00:59:11,005 --> 00:59:14,342
Samuel swims out,
and then he sees a dolphin.

954
00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:17,220
Happy as can be, ain't you, Samuel?
Fuck, man. A dolphin.

955
00:59:17,887 --> 00:59:19,556
He even yells to the dolphin…

956
00:59:19,639 --> 00:59:20,640
[imitates dolphin call]

957
00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:22,517
And the dolphin answers…

958
00:59:22,600 --> 00:59:23,643
[imitates dolphin call]

959
00:59:25,895 --> 00:59:30,191
He says, "Man, the dolphin
is coming towards me."

960
00:59:30,275 --> 00:59:32,860
Samuel gets excited,
"Will I be able to touch a dolphin?"

961
00:59:32,944 --> 00:59:35,613
Fuck yeah, man. Touch a dolphin?
What do you usually touch?

962
00:59:35,697 --> 00:59:37,824
What does a stagehand touch? Touch…

963
00:59:38,449 --> 00:59:42,161
Touch every fucking scenery,
all the stage.

964
00:59:42,829 --> 00:59:45,540
Picture the dolphin,
the texture. Oh, that's insane.

965
00:59:46,165 --> 00:59:49,544
Samuel gets more excited
as the dolphin gets closer and yells,

966
00:59:49,627 --> 00:59:52,255
"Luana! Come to the water, love!"

967
00:59:52,338 --> 00:59:54,966
"I've got a surprise for you!"
And doesn't tell her what it is.

968
00:59:56,050 --> 00:59:58,428
The dolphin comes near,
almost as if it knew you.

969
00:59:58,511 --> 01:00:01,014
Almost like a stage dolphin. Your pal.

970
01:00:02,932 --> 01:00:05,893
It nestles on your chest, cuddles you.

971
01:00:05,977 --> 01:00:07,770
You start stroking it good, Samuca.

972
01:00:09,981 --> 01:00:11,941
This is your moment, Samuca. Your moment.

973
01:00:12,734 --> 01:00:15,862
You go from the tail to its neck, Samuca.

974
01:00:17,572 --> 01:00:18,781
What a joy.

975
01:00:19,574 --> 01:00:21,826
Juliana swims fast to you.

976
01:00:23,494 --> 01:00:24,662
I said "Juliana," didn't I?

977
01:00:25,330 --> 01:00:28,833
Luana! Luana swimming fast,
a GoPro attached to her head.

978
01:00:30,543 --> 01:00:32,045
Luana is swimming fast.

979
01:00:33,838 --> 01:00:36,883
I'll pause the story a bit
and talk to the audience. Be right back.

980
01:00:38,593 --> 01:00:40,261
Please, stay put.

981
01:00:42,555 --> 01:00:46,643
I've recently read an article
saying that, after the human species,

982
01:00:46,726 --> 01:00:50,897
the species most interested
in raping humans

983
01:00:51,648 --> 01:00:52,690
are dolphins.

984
01:00:57,236 --> 01:00:58,738
Shall we go on with our story?

985
01:00:58,821 --> 01:01:00,156
[applause]

986
01:01:03,493 --> 01:01:06,829
Luana was swimming. Right, Luana?

987
01:01:06,913 --> 01:01:09,165
And Samuca was here.
Right, Samuca? Right here?

988
01:01:10,958 --> 01:01:14,921
Stroking nicely. Thinking, "What a day."

989
01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:17,924
"Thank you, travel agency."

990
01:01:22,261 --> 01:01:23,971
And the dolphin is going…

991
01:01:24,055 --> 01:01:25,807
[imitates dolphin call]

992
01:01:27,809 --> 01:01:30,186
Samuca is all hands, and then…

993
01:01:30,269 --> 01:01:31,479
[laughs]

994
01:01:32,605 --> 01:01:33,690
At this moment…

995
01:01:33,773 --> 01:01:35,775
[applause]

996
01:01:39,028 --> 01:01:40,613
the dolphin dives.

997
01:01:40,697 --> 01:01:43,658
And it dives better than you.
Right, Samuca? It's a dolphin.

998
01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:46,494
It begins lowering

999
01:01:47,286 --> 01:01:49,122
your trunks with its beak.

1000
01:01:50,164 --> 01:01:51,457
Its little beak goes…

1001
01:01:51,541 --> 01:01:53,126
Dolphins are really smart.

1002
01:01:53,209 --> 01:01:56,379
They're the third-smartest species
on the planet.

1003
01:01:57,004 --> 01:02:01,801
They're only behind us and monkeys.
And monkeys carry Wi-Fi in Manaus.

1004
01:02:05,388 --> 01:02:09,726
So just imagine
what a dolphin is capable of doing.

1005
01:02:12,103 --> 01:02:14,063
With your trunks lowered…

1006
01:02:17,275 --> 01:02:19,652
I didn't wanna say this,
you seem like a nice guy, Samue

1007
01:02:21,779 --> 01:02:23,156
Let's open our hearts and carry on.

1008
01:02:24,741 --> 01:02:26,492
What you thought, Samuel,

1009
01:02:28,202 --> 01:02:29,829
was just a touristic stroke,

1010
01:02:31,789 --> 01:02:33,708
was actually a very sweet foreplay.

1011
01:02:35,501 --> 01:02:38,921
The dolphin, with its cock hyper stiff,

1012
01:02:41,048 --> 01:02:44,552
with an uncanny ability,

1013
01:02:45,136 --> 01:02:48,473
aided by a K-Y-like seawater,

1014
01:02:50,725 --> 01:02:53,436
the dolphin begins fucking
Samuel in the ass.

1015
01:02:55,563 --> 01:02:58,232
With a frightening rhythm.

1016
01:03:05,156 --> 01:03:07,408
This is the dolphin
pumping your ass, Samuel.

1017
01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:13,331
It pumps you so hard you start to wonder
whether you have a uterus

1018
01:03:13,414 --> 01:03:16,292
'cause it's definitely hitting
something in there.

1019
01:03:17,001 --> 01:03:19,420
Every time you manage
to resurface, you yell,

1020
01:03:19,504 --> 01:03:21,255
"Luana, don't come here anymore!"

1021
01:03:22,381 --> 01:03:25,092
Your voice is getting high-pitched,
a dolphin is butt-fucking you.

1022
01:03:31,307 --> 01:03:32,600
Luana gets there.

1023
01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:38,481
As soon as she gets there,
the first thing she thinks is,

1024
01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:41,692
"What weird fucking surprise is this?"

1025
01:03:44,695 --> 01:03:47,114
She dives in and sees

1026
01:03:47,865 --> 01:03:51,953
Samuel's desperate look underwater.

1027
01:03:52,787 --> 01:03:55,706
And she screams, "Samuel!"

1028
01:03:56,624 --> 01:03:58,501
"There's a dolphin butt-fucking you!"

1029
01:04:00,419 --> 01:04:05,758
As if you didn't know. Right, Samuel?
The dolphin's been humping you for ages.

1030
01:04:06,717 --> 01:04:10,263
Samuca says, "I'm gonna twerk a bit,
to see if the son of a bitch cums faster."

1031
01:04:10,346 --> 01:04:13,182
It works! Samuca is smart,
he's a stagehand.

1032
01:04:13,266 --> 01:04:15,893
The dolphin, "I'm not cumming inside,
so you won't get pregnant."

1033
01:04:15,977 --> 01:04:19,105
He takes it out and cums.
A shitload of cum.

1034
01:04:19,188 --> 01:04:21,816
You guys start drowning in cum
and seawater.

1035
01:04:21,899 --> 01:04:23,985
A shitload of dolphin cum and seawater.

1036
01:04:24,068 --> 01:04:26,153
Hey, Flea! Enjoying the show, love?

1037
01:04:27,613 --> 01:04:28,656
Very tame, right?

1038
01:04:28,739 --> 01:04:30,741
[applause]

1039
01:04:31,576 --> 01:04:32,785
Yeah, I think it is.

1040
01:04:49,051 --> 01:04:52,430
Tomorrow, if the class
at Flea's school is about dolphins…

1041
01:04:53,806 --> 01:04:56,475
Imagine her mom getting a call,
"Your daughter is crying,

1042
01:04:57,685 --> 01:05:00,479
slamming her head against the wall
and screaming, 'Not the dolphins!'"

1043
01:05:01,063 --> 01:05:02,398
[giggles]

1044
01:05:09,488 --> 01:05:11,157
I think I overdid it a bit.

1045
01:05:16,871 --> 01:05:18,581
I was out to prove a point.

1046
01:05:20,416 --> 01:05:22,001
That I think it's clear.

1047
01:05:24,629 --> 01:05:25,755
The dolphin

1048
01:05:27,131 --> 01:05:28,132
left.

1049
01:05:28,716 --> 01:05:31,218
When they cum, they leave.

1050
01:05:34,221 --> 01:05:36,724
You guys swim slowly back to the boat.

1051
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:41,687
Not grasping what really went down.

1052
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:48,110
You get on board, and the nice captain
is cooking some barbecue.

1053
01:05:48,945 --> 01:05:52,198
He says, "You guys want some meat?"
Luana goes, "We don't want anything."

1054
01:05:54,784 --> 01:06:00,039
You go to the bathroom and start crying.
Tears and tears, many tears.

1055
01:06:02,708 --> 01:06:04,293
Then you suddenly hear…

1056
01:06:06,587 --> 01:06:08,798
And say, "Oh no. The dolphin's back."

1057
01:06:11,425 --> 01:06:15,179
It was the captain saying,
"Guys, we're back at the beach."

1058
01:06:15,763 --> 01:06:17,807
You get down, step on the sand,

1059
01:06:18,599 --> 01:06:21,519
and you get that feeling of safety.
It's dry land.

1060
01:06:22,311 --> 01:06:25,398
But your heads are still going,
"What happened back there?"

1061
01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:30,569
You hug. For the first time,
you manage to touch each other

1062
01:06:30,653 --> 01:06:31,904
after the fact.

1063
01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:35,366
Samuel sees, over Luana's shoulder,

1064
01:06:35,449 --> 01:06:37,868
on the tip of his elbow,

1065
01:06:38,619 --> 01:06:40,705
a small lump of dolphin cum.

1066
01:06:44,750 --> 01:06:46,711
He brushes it off to the ground.

1067
01:06:47,336 --> 01:06:50,089
And right now I'd like to ask both of you,

1068
01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:53,134
would you

1069
01:06:54,301 --> 01:06:58,889
erase the GoPro video,
and make a blood oath,

1070
01:07:00,391 --> 01:07:06,897
and neither of you ever as much as
utters the word dolphin again,

1071
01:07:08,441 --> 01:07:10,234
or you'd tell everyone about it?

1072
01:07:12,361 --> 01:07:14,405
That's right, guys. Silence.

1073
01:07:16,157 --> 01:07:18,159
Do you think the doctor,

1074
01:07:18,242 --> 01:07:21,662
the girl in Advertising
or the lawyer ever told anyone?

1075
01:07:23,789 --> 01:07:24,999
That doesn't happen.

1076
01:07:25,082 --> 01:07:26,667
[applause]

1077
01:07:27,460 --> 01:07:28,586
It's all a secrecy.

1078
01:07:30,504 --> 01:07:33,424
No one has the courage
to go to a police station and say,

1079
01:07:33,507 --> 01:07:35,885
"Officer, Flipper

1080
01:07:37,595 --> 01:07:41,223
just fucked us up.
We wanna file a complaint."

1081
01:07:42,058 --> 01:07:43,934
-"How did it look like?"
-"Cuddly."

1082
01:07:45,895 --> 01:07:49,398
No one's afraid of dolphins
'cause their name is a lexical pitfall.

1083
01:07:49,482 --> 01:07:51,901
It ends with an "N."
No one's afraid of that.

1084
01:07:51,984 --> 01:07:55,321
Someone points a gun at you, "Hand over
the money or I'll shin you." Fuck that.

1085
01:07:56,739 --> 01:07:59,658
If the name was Dolphzilla, I bet my ass
you wouldn't get near the water.

1086
01:08:00,743 --> 01:08:02,119
Dolphzilla sucker-punches whales.

1087
01:08:03,204 --> 01:08:04,580
Respect the Dolphzilla.

1088
01:08:05,498 --> 01:08:06,332
As for the dolphin…

1089
01:08:06,415 --> 01:08:07,416
[imitates dolphin squeal]

1090
01:08:08,709 --> 01:08:12,046
This is why they're called Trojans.
Much easier to have sex.

1091
01:08:12,922 --> 01:08:15,716
If they were called Spermzillas,
no one would want them.

1092
01:08:15,800 --> 01:08:18,552
"Spermzilla? You're putting on
a Spermzilla to fuck me?"

1093
01:08:20,179 --> 01:08:23,182
She goes, "It won't happen.
My tiny pussy won't fit a Spermzilla."

1094
01:08:26,185 --> 01:08:29,188
It's so wrong to call them Trojans.
It comes from the Trojan Horse.

1095
01:08:29,271 --> 01:08:33,567
What kinda brainstorm meeting was that
to come up with that name?

1096
01:08:33,651 --> 01:08:36,278
'Cause the basic concept
of the Trojan Horse

1097
01:08:36,362 --> 01:08:39,073
is that the enemy
takes it inside to be opened.

1098
01:08:40,282 --> 01:08:43,244
And that's exactly
what we don't want to happen.

1099
01:08:44,286 --> 01:08:46,372
They should be called
SpermGuard, or CumLock.

1100
01:08:47,248 --> 01:08:50,084
Or something more graphic:
Creampie Killer. This is great.

1101
01:08:50,835 --> 01:08:52,378
I'd love to go to a drugstore and say,

1102
01:08:52,461 --> 01:08:55,631
"Gimme a box of Creampie Killers.
'Cause I'm on fire tonight."

1103
01:08:56,507 --> 01:09:00,052
So I didn't get back in the water
'cause I was afraid.

1104
01:09:00,678 --> 01:09:02,054
But good thing you don't.

1105
01:09:05,558 --> 01:09:06,559
That night,

1106
01:09:07,560 --> 01:09:09,854
I did my stand-up number,
that's why I went there.

1107
01:09:10,563 --> 01:09:11,689
And when

1108
01:09:13,315 --> 01:09:16,944
the show was over, it was great.
Such a wonderful crowd in Noronha.

1109
01:09:17,027 --> 01:09:18,362
I was so happy.

1110
01:09:19,029 --> 01:09:22,116
Tato, from Falamansa, began to play.

1111
01:09:22,700 --> 01:09:26,912
It wasn't Falamansa. It was just Tato.

1112
01:09:27,538 --> 01:09:32,084
But it's not like someone would go,
"Oh no, where's the bass player?"

1113
01:09:34,461 --> 01:09:36,297
People were happy.

1114
01:09:36,839 --> 01:09:39,633
I start dancing with this girl.
What a great night.

1115
01:09:40,885 --> 01:09:46,557
And then, all of a sudden,
a mosh pit circle is formed

1116
01:09:48,267 --> 01:09:49,852
during "Xote da Alegria."

1117
01:09:51,979 --> 01:09:55,983
This couple gets carried away,
bumps into me and the girl

1118
01:09:56,525 --> 01:10:01,280
and I brush my foot on a sharp pebble.

1119
01:10:01,363 --> 01:10:02,740
Sharp as a Ginsu knife.

1120
01:10:03,616 --> 01:10:06,869
It scrapes my big toe,
the skin goes, "Oh fuck!"

1121
01:10:08,287 --> 01:10:10,748
And this was the moment,

1122
01:10:11,248 --> 01:10:13,959
I cut my toe

1123
01:10:15,002 --> 01:10:16,212
in Noronha.

1124
01:10:18,422 --> 01:10:19,965
[applause]

1125
01:10:20,049 --> 01:10:21,050
I didn't even…

1126
01:10:30,226 --> 01:10:33,062
I didn't even care,
I thought it was a usual soccer bump.

1127
01:10:33,145 --> 01:10:36,774
"I've had plenty of those in my life.
I'll just keep dancing and check later."

1128
01:10:37,483 --> 01:10:40,402
Then, my foot starts
sticking to the ground. I go, "Weird."

1129
01:10:41,278 --> 01:10:42,905
"I'm not wearing Velcro sandals."

1130
01:10:44,490 --> 01:10:47,243
When the girl stepped back, I took a look

1131
01:10:47,326 --> 01:10:49,870
and there was a pool of blood.
I go, "Wow, nice."

1132
01:10:51,413 --> 01:10:52,373
Ha-ha!

1133
01:10:53,249 --> 01:10:56,418
"I can't keep dancing."
I tapped the girl on the shoulder.

1134
01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:58,254
"Hun?" She says, "Yeah?"

1135
01:10:58,337 --> 01:10:59,213
I say, "Look,

1136
01:11:00,965 --> 01:11:02,258
we need to take a quick break."

1137
01:11:02,967 --> 01:11:05,886
She asks, "What happened?"
I say, "I'm facing a setback."

1138
01:11:08,889 --> 01:11:09,890
"Adversities."

1139
01:11:10,641 --> 01:11:14,603
I went after Paulinho.
He's older, my friend,

1140
01:11:15,104 --> 01:11:19,483
he'll probably have some words
of wisdom to unburden my restless heart.

1141
01:11:21,860 --> 01:11:25,572
I wasn't feeling shit.
I was just worried about the blood.

1142
01:11:26,323 --> 01:11:29,076
With the rush from the show
and the alcohol, I was numb.

1143
01:11:30,244 --> 01:11:32,037
I say, "Paulinho, look at this, bro."

1144
01:11:32,121 --> 01:11:35,582
He looks at my foot, looks back at me
and goes, "You're gonna lose your toe!"

1145
01:11:38,419 --> 01:11:40,838
I'm the kinda guy who goes with the flow.

1146
01:11:40,921 --> 01:11:43,590
As soon as he says that,
my toe starts throbbing.

1147
01:11:43,674 --> 01:11:45,384
[imitating loud thuds]

1148
01:11:45,884 --> 01:11:48,387
I go, "Oh no, I'm gonna lose my toe!"

1149
01:11:48,470 --> 01:11:50,681
-"At least it's in Noronha."
-"No, Paulinho!"

1150
01:11:51,348 --> 01:11:53,892
-"I'll call my mom."
-"Why would you call her for?"

1151
01:11:53,976 --> 01:11:56,228
"I have to tell someone
I'm gonna lose my toe."

1152
01:11:56,312 --> 01:12:00,441
"I think she's the right person.
'Mom, that toe you gave me? I lost it!'"

1153
01:12:03,319 --> 01:12:07,156
Paulinho freaked out, "I'll ask for
a gurney to get you through."

1154
01:12:07,239 --> 01:12:09,366
"I won't go through this crowd
on a gurney."

1155
01:12:09,450 --> 01:12:11,327
"We were just on stage. Everyone saw us,

1156
01:12:11,410 --> 01:12:13,912
'Look, Rodrigo on the gurney
with a boo-boo,' it ain't happening."

1157
01:12:14,705 --> 01:12:17,416
"Ask for a wheelchair." He goes, "Why?"
I go, "It's more dignified."

1158
01:12:19,335 --> 01:12:20,627
He didn't get shit.

1159
01:12:21,545 --> 01:12:24,006
He went ahead, yelling,
"Heavy load coming through!"

1160
01:12:25,007 --> 01:12:26,425
And I went along, hopping after him,

1161
01:12:27,926 --> 01:12:30,346
splashing blood on people,
getting all dirty.

1162
01:12:30,429 --> 01:12:34,266
When I got back there, I was a mess.
I was bloody from head to toe, destroyed.

1163
01:12:34,350 --> 01:12:36,769
They raised my foot to stop the bleeding.

1164
01:12:36,852 --> 01:12:40,731
Blood dripped down my shirt,
my shorts, and everywhere.

1165
01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:45,027
From a distance, it looked like
I'd been stabbed eight times in a fight,

1166
01:12:46,111 --> 01:12:49,031
or got shot at least four times.
People were worried sick,

1167
01:12:49,114 --> 01:12:50,866
yelling, calling somebody.

1168
01:12:50,949 --> 01:12:52,284
Then suddenly I hear…

1169
01:12:52,368 --> 01:12:55,120
Whoo!

1170
01:12:55,204 --> 01:12:59,083
I go, "Unbelievable!
Bruno Gagliasso got here right now?"

1171
01:12:59,166 --> 01:13:01,585
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Rodrigo Marques.

1172
01:13:01,668 --> 01:13:03,670
[cheers and applause]

1173
01:13:04,421 --> 01:13:07,049
[Caribbean music]

1174
01:13:17,726 --> 01:13:20,145
[man singing in foreign language]