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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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RODRIGO MARQUES IN

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RM!

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RM!

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I wasn't gonna drink today.

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You're hot!

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I'm glad you noticed.

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I'm thrilled to see you all here.

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Here's to you. Thank you for all the love.
This is gonna be fun.

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The name of this show

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is <i>King of Uncouth,</i>

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so I was very excited and also surprised

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to see that Netflix bought the idea.

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I thought it was weird…

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but it's a company that believes.

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So I'll begin by explaining

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why the name of the show
is <i>King of Uncouth.</i>

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But first, I need to ask
if we have any minors here today?

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Over here? What's your name?

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"Mariana." I'm gonna ask you to leave.

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I'll give you back the money.

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And there's chocolate milk outside.

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Just kidding, Mariana. It's all good.
But I find it weird, you know?

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The name of the show is <i>King of Uncouth,</i>

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not <i>King of Kids,</i> so…

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I toured Brazil with this show,

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and recently there was
a 9-year-old in the audience.

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A 9-year-old can't even come yet.

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You just get a little shaky
at that age, you know?

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You go, bam, bam,
"I'm coming. Oh, nothing." Just…

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I used to call it a clean jerk off.

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You got a nickname?

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-Flea.
-Flea?

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Let's call you Flea then.

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You're with your mom?

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Your aunt?

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But you do know this person, right?

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Blink if you're in danger, Flea.

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Just 'cause she bought you a Coke
doesn't mean she can take you for a ride.

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I came to be known as the king of uncouth

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because of a show called

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<i>A Culpa é do Cabral…</i>

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Nice to see you dig it.

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On that show<i>, </i>I talked about
people sucking my cock,

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rubbing my cock on people,

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my cock on people's faces,
my cock down throats,

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people sitting on my cock, coming,
my cock, and people in general.

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It never got me into any trouble.

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In the sixth season, I said I ate a pussy.

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That's the result.

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I got a backlash on all my social media.

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People wouldn't stop flaming me,
they'd come to my Instagram inbox,

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"Rodrigo, this is outrageous!
I watch this show with my kids."

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"It's not my fault
you're in such bad company.

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Invite people who like it, damn it."

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Flea likes it, even came to the show.

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I don't get it.

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"Rodrigo, you gotta understand,
they rerun the show at 11:00 a.m."

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I said, "I'm aware.

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I'm also aware that you can eat pussy
during business hours."

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I actually recommend it.
There's nothing better in the morning

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than a joint, a tapioca, and a pussy.

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You can sprinkle
some grated coconut on top,

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wherever your mood strikes.

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But on the joint, it's kinda funky.

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I named my show <i>King of Uncouth,</i>

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but actually,
it's got nothing to do with it.

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My production team said,
"Rodrigo, listen.

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We'll begin touring your new show
in January 2020."

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We didn't know the world was ending.

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This was back in July or August 2019.

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I was like, "January?" "Yup."
I go, "There's not enough time."

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"It took me almost ten years
to write my first show.

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How would I get a new show ready
in four, five months? You nuts?"

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"Good luck, Rodrigo.
We're already selling it."

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So I freaked out.

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I thought I wouldn't make it.

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And I always had this artistic dream
to have a show

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where I tell only one story.

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But what makes this story so interesting

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that it could take up a whole show?

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So I dug in.

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I took a trip down memory lane

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searching for this amazing story

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that I could tell.

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And there was nothing.

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I got even more freaked out.

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However, Lady Luck smiled on me.

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I was invited to perform
in Fernando de Noronha.

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In your faces.

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Anyone here ever been to Noronha?

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You? What do you do for a living?

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A doctor? Got it.

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The Noronha crowd.

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Back there? Someone raised their hand?

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What do you do?

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You're in advertising? Cool.

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Anyone on this side ever been to Noronha?
Gee, this side is no good.

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Where's the other person? Here.

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What do you do?

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Lawyer? I'm not sure I wanna keep talking.

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Thank you for coming.

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I understand why most of you
never been to Noronha.

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You live here in São Paulo,
I lived in Recife, much closer.

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Not that close. It was 500 kilometers.

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You can't get there swimming.

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With sharks on the way, which is a grind.

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I only visited Noronha
after I was living here in São Paulo.

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They invited me to do stand-up there.

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And in Noronha, I cut my toe.

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I thought it was fancy
to cut my toe in Noronha.

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I have a scar on my toe,
and people ask, "Rodrigo, what's that?"

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I say, "Noronha, and you? How you doing?"

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So I decided to do a show just to say
I've been to Noronha and cut my toe.

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But I thought the name
<i>I've Been to Noronha and Cut my Toe</i>

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wasn't very marketable.

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So, as a clickbait,

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I named my show <i>King of Uncouth</i>

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aiming to lure the audience here.

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And, once here, inform them that

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the purchased tickets
were actually for the show

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<i>I've Been to Noronha…</i>

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<i>and Cut my Toe.</i>

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Which starts now!

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I hope you have fun.

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RODRIGO MARQUES IN

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I'VE BEEN TO NORONHA AND CUT MY TOE

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Can you believe
I've been to Noronha and cut my toe?

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"How's this show in Noronha like?"
"Rodrigo, it's a four-day festival."

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"You can stay for four days
and do a 30-minute show."

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I say, "Perfect. That's all I want,
four days on the island."

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They go, "It'll be you
and Paulinho Serra."

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"Amazing. This is already
the best day of my life."

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Because I love Paulinho.
Paulinho is a dear friend

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and one of the best comedians
in this country.

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I say, "Four days with Paulinho
in Noronha?"

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They go, "There's more." I ask, "More?"

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"There's also Tato from Falamansa."

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I say, "No way, it got even better."

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'Cause it's amazing,
no matter if you're into heavy metal,

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when you hear,
"I wrote your name on the sand,"

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you just vibe through it.

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You can't help it.

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I went, "This is gonna be sick.

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Man, I'm going to Noronha,
I won't even pack pants, just shorts."

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I wear my <i>Simpsons</i> shorts,
go to the airport,

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I get there, and the frowning began.

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I'm like, "I don't care.
I'm going to Noronha. I'm above all this."

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Feeling like a lawyer.

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I get into the plane,
it was full of doctors.

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The two dudes sitting behind me
had the most meaningful conversation,

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which I'll replicate for you now.

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One turns to the other and goes, "Hey!"

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The other promptly answers: "Ho!"

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Thus begins the conversation,

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"Did you know that free diving
or scuba diving in Noronha,

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and boarding a plane on the same day,

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due to the underwater pressure
and altitude pressure

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your head will burst open?"

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I'm like, "Say again, Champ?

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You're gonna keep that
between you and your pal?

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Flight Attendant,
this guy has a message here!

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If you dive and fly, you're fucked!

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Your head goes boom!

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Tylenol won't do the trick."

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We land in Noronha.

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The Federal Agents come to greet you
when you land in Noronha.

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Feds in Noronha wear shorts to work.

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I loved it. I had never seen
a Fed's calves in my life.

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That was new to me.
Feds' calves in plain sight.

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I felt at home.

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We got through. They didn't find the pot.
Paulinho hides it well.

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Maybe now,
I've just made his life more difficult.

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Then we met the tour guide,

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which said something very random.
He looks at us and goes,

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"Just so you know,
Bruno Gagliasso isn't on the island."

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I go, "Who asked, damn it?"

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"Just so you know,
'cause people always ask.

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They think a siren goes off
when Bruno gets here."

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"Orgy!"

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I'm like, "Look…

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this orgy bit,
I'm interested to know more."

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-"There's no such thing."
-"Don't bullshit me.

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It's an island. Of course there is.

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I don't want any part in it,
I just wanna watch. <i>Voyeur."</i>

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It must be a beautiful thing,
seeing Giovanna Ewbank

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screwing Bruno Gagliasso,

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and in comes Bruna Marquezine.
What a glorious fucking day.

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If they ask me to join, "Come."

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I say, "I'm not worthy.
Thank you very much."

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I wouldn't…

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I wouldn't wanna ruin
the orgy's BMI average.

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We got to the inn, dropped our stuff,

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and went to the nearest beach,
a secluded little bay

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the tour guide told us we'd love.
Since the access by sea

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was constrained by rocks and reefs,
only small animals would get in.

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I'm like, "Great."

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So we get to the beach,

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and Noronha is so beautiful,
really impressive.

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It's me, Paulinho, the tour guide,
and that crystal clear water.

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People in advertising know
what I'm talking about.

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It's something else.

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I'm all excited.

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It was as if the tour guide staged it.
I've never seen anything like that.

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In the water, a shitload
of baby sharks doo-doo, doo-doo.

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An impressive amount
of baby sharks doo-doo, doo-doo.

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00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:52,581
There were doo-doo, doo-doos everywhere.

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A lot of them.

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I'm super excited.
I start doing Stories.

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Paulinho's older, can't do Stories.
He films.

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The tour guide goes, "Hey, Rodrigo!"
I go, "What's up?"

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He goes, "Let's get in."
"In the buggy to leave?"

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00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:09,056
He goes, "No. In the water." I go, "What?"

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"What about the doo-doo, doo-doos?"

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He goes, "It's fine."
I go, "No, it isn't!"

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He goes, "They're small."
I go, "Small sharks. Finish the sentence.

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To the very end, okay?"

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"They're babies."
I go, "Those are not babies, bro.

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Nobody says, 'Where's Daddy's
little shark?' You nuts?

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They're hunters!"

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00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:38,168
I'm from Recife. I know what sharks do."

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00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:42,965
Then he made a joke,
'cause people make jokes with comedians

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'cause, apparently,
taking jokes is part of our package.

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It's in our job description.

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00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:53,559
"Rodrigo, you gotta understand
that here in Noronha,

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animals are in their natural habitat.

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00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:59,648
Therefore, the ecosystem works perfectly.

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There's no reason a shark would be
interested in low-grade meat."

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I go, "It'll take more than insults
to convince me to get in there, bro.

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00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:14,663
Besides,

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what if today is the shark's
junk food day?

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00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,588
And there's me? No."

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00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,387
The day the shark gives up
on protein shakes,

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he won't binge on this drifting potato.

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00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:36,644
Paulinho Serra got in,

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00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:40,773
despite all my warnings.
"Paulinho, Paulinho,

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00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:43,692
you're gonna lose your hand."

240
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:48,113
Anyone asks, "How did Paulinho
lose his hand?" I'll say, "Stupidity!"

241
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:50,324
I start filming,

242
00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:54,411
and about 25 meters from us,
I saw this extremely white girl.

243
00:15:54,495 --> 00:16:01,335
Extremely white.

244
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,170
Like, super white.

245
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:07,216
If she was any whiter, she'd be Black.

246
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,760
She'd tip over the color palette.

247
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,054
Insanely white.

248
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:21,230
I like this joke.
I'm about to sell it to a paint company.

249
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:27,319
A shark was approaching her,

250
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:31,073
not a baby shark anymore,
it was a bit bigger, it was…

251
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:32,574
It was a Flea Shark!

252
00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:38,789
A teenager shark,
a shark addicted to <i>Free Fire.</i>

253
00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:46,046
Seeing that, Paulinho thought
he should warn her about it.

254
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,215
So he craned his body and went…

255
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,302
"Hey!

256
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:53,762
Shark!

257
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,557
Shark to ya!

258
00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:58,767
Shark to ya!

259
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,437
Shark to ya! Shake!

260
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:04,481
To ya!"

261
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:09,653
The girl raises her head, scared to death,

262
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,697
and yells back,

263
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:13,323
"Come again, dude?"

264
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,828
She was from Teresina.

265
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,501
She thought

266
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:26,920
that "shark"…

267
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:32,718
was "jerky."

268
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:38,057
"What kind of
wacky fucking jerky peddler is that?

269
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:43,020
Selling jerky with a garnish

270
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:44,938
I've never heard of.

271
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:48,609
Must be some type of farofa from Noronha,
I don't know."

272
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,446
We left. We were embarrassing ourselves.

273
00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:55,532
At night, we went to a bar.

274
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:59,536
The tour guide took us to a bar,
and went, "Here's the deal,

275
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:03,290
don't drink too much,
tomorrow we have an early-morning ride.

276
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:08,128
And if you're hungover,
you'll get seasick in no time."

277
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,589
I'm like, "I'm not sure I wanna go."

278
00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:15,177
He goes, "It's gonna be awesome."
I'm like, "Nah."

279
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:17,346
-"Everyone's going."
-"Everyone who?"

280
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:20,724
"Tato, Tato's family,
Tato's kids, Tato's wife,

281
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:23,227
a bunch of locals, I forget their names.

282
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:26,647
Thalita Rebouças is going,
a Thalita Rebouças' friend."

283
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:28,482
Have you heard of Thalita Rebouças?

284
00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:29,399
-Yes.
-No.

285
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,694
"Yes, no…" If you don't know her,
it makes no difference.

286
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,198
She's a great person. I loved Thalita.

287
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:39,743
But her cameo in this show
is a very short one.

288
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:42,830
There, it's over.

289
00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:55,342
"There's gonna be music,
beer, barbecue, scuba diving."

290
00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:57,594
I say, "I'll skip the scuba diving."

291
00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:00,305
He goes, "Only if you feel like it."
I go, "I don't."

292
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:04,184
He goes, "Tomorrow you decide."
I go, "How about I decide now?"

293
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:09,106
Early morning next day,
we hop on the speedboat and go straight.

294
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:12,693
We get to the deep sea,
there are several speedboats,

295
00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:16,280
and I noticed every speedboat
had a barbecue grill. I didn't know that.

296
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:19,074
And the captain is in charge
of the barbecue.

297
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,618
Likely not a part of his duties.

298
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,204
But it was classy.

299
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:27,666
The guy, in a sailor cap,
turning the T-bone hard to port.

300
00:19:29,042 --> 00:19:32,880
Very Captain Cook of him.

301
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:36,633
Mine was a very nice older guy,

302
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:40,554
great conversation,
heady stuff, deep-sea talk.

303
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:45,225
I asked him,
"Bro, if we keep going straight ahead,

304
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,685
will we get to Africa?"

305
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:53,442
He went, "We don't have enough fuel."

306
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,781
The tour guide came in, "Hey, Rodrigo."
"What up, man?"

307
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,661
He goes: "You diving?"
I go, "We've been over this, damn it.

308
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:07,080
I didn't get in yesterday
with the baby sharks.

309
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:11,001
What makes you think I'd get in today
with grown-up ones?"

310
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:17,299
He goes, "Here is way smoother
than where we were yesterday."

311
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,885
I go, "See how yesterday
wasn't so smooth?

312
00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:24,640
I can see through you, my good man."

313
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:29,519
He goes, "But here
you won't even see the sharks."

314
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:32,189
I go, "Is this supposed to be reassuring?"

315
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:37,527
"Here they're all lemon sharks."
"Bro, I'm not a marine biologist.

316
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:41,448
This information means nothing to me.

317
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,868
How am I supposed to react to that?
'Oh why didn't you say so?

318
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:47,913
Geez, everyone knows
lemon sharks don't bite,

319
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,623
they just burn your eyes.'

320
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,961
I never tasted any shark lemonade!"

321
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:00,509
Paulinho Serra must have
an extra set of balls.

322
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:03,053
He fears nothing.

323
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:07,266
I've never seen such a disregard
for one's own life.

324
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,851
Swimming all over the place.

325
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,729
He sees a stingray and comes back yelling,

326
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:14,022
"A stingray!"

327
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,817
And I yell back, "Run!"

328
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:21,571
He goes, "Get the GoPro from my bag.
I wanna make a video."

329
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:23,365
I go, "Come again, Paulinho?"

330
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:26,118
"I wanna make a video."
"What for?"

331
00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:30,580
"I wanna get some stingray images."
"Go to Google, type 'stingray.'

332
00:21:31,498 --> 00:21:34,126
There's pages and pages, Paulinho.

333
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:37,087
Even in 4K resolution.

334
00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:42,509
Want me to send you a stingray poster?

335
00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:44,678
I'll send one to your place, Paulinho."

336
00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:49,141
"No, it's my daughter's GoPro.
She asked me to make some videos."

337
00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:52,185
I go, "But why the stingray?
Get some barbecue shots.

338
00:21:53,186 --> 00:21:54,187
Get the beach.

339
00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:56,940
Can this shit zoom?
Africa is right there."

340
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,487
"Rodrigo, stingrays are peaceful."
I'm like, "Paulinho…

341
00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:06,366
You're not a cameraman
for <i>Animal Planet.</i>

342
00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:09,870
Stingrays are very dangerous.

343
00:22:11,371 --> 00:22:14,374
You know anyone attacked
by a stingray, Paulinho?"

344
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:18,670
He goes, "No, I don't."
I go, "See? No one survives.

345
00:22:20,672 --> 00:22:24,301
You really wanna mess with that? Then go.

346
00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:26,720
Go!"

347
00:22:28,805 --> 00:22:29,848
And off he went.

348
00:22:29,931 --> 00:22:34,186
The stingray, clueless, looks up, <i>"Oxe?"</i>

349
00:22:36,271 --> 00:22:38,106
It was a Northeastern stingray.

350
00:22:39,816 --> 00:22:41,777
Paulinho comes back exhausted, gasping.

351
00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:46,031
He hands me the GoPro and says,
"Watch this. Behold nature."

352
00:22:46,656 --> 00:22:50,619
I watched the whole video,
almost eight minutes. Impressive.

353
00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:56,875
Paulinho Serra had the GoPro
pointing the wrong way all the time.

354
00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:01,254
The video is a reaction

355
00:23:02,964 --> 00:23:05,217
of Paulinho Serra seeing the stingray.

356
00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:11,598
The stingray is nowhere to be seen.

357
00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:16,686
To this day, I'm not sure
there even was a stingray.

358
00:23:17,979 --> 00:23:21,274
He says you can see the stingray
reflected in his eyes.

359
00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:23,777
But you gotta believe.

360
00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:29,449
The tour guide wouldn't quit.
"So, Rodrigo?" I go, "Hey, man."

361
00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:34,246
"You're not getting in, then?"
"I've said it a few times already."

362
00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:37,707
He goes, "It's really fine."
I say, "No, bro."

363
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:41,795
He goes, "You can't swim, is that it?"
I go, "Respect my swimmer background."

364
00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:46,425
He asks, "What is it, then?"
I go, "Bro, the thing is,

365
00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:50,053
I've got some traumas."
He asks, "Like what?"

366
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:52,848
"You got time?"
He says, "I do." I go, "Then listen.

367
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:55,767
When I was younger…"

368
00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:57,561
Not like Flea.

369
00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:01,398
I was already impacting the GDP,
I was working.

370
00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:04,818
I started saving money, I wanted

371
00:24:05,569 --> 00:24:06,695
to go to Africa,

372
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,698
specifically, to South Africa.

373
00:24:09,781 --> 00:24:13,785
I dreamed about diving
with white sharks there.

374
00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:16,163
That may sound kinda crazy,

375
00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:18,790
but I'd seen a documentary

376
00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:23,420
that said that we, the humans,
are at the top

377
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,924
of the food chain
of all animal species on planet Earth.

378
00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:29,551
Us, we're top tier.

379
00:24:30,677 --> 00:24:32,345
A person cheered here.

380
00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:35,974
Kinda weird, but that's us.

381
00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:39,019
We're number one

382
00:24:40,187 --> 00:24:43,398
because we invented guns, cars, planes.

383
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:47,194
Not us, right?
We're all here on a fake beach. Yeah.

384
00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:50,614
Some guys…

385
00:24:56,286 --> 00:24:59,706
Some guys created all that,
and we were like, "Cool!"

386
00:25:01,249 --> 00:25:04,711
The white shark is ranked second.

387
00:25:06,129 --> 00:25:07,547
Unarmed.

388
00:25:09,674 --> 00:25:12,344
If it ever learns how to hold
a kitchen knife,

389
00:25:13,553 --> 00:25:15,514
we're fucked big time.

390
00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:20,977
So I wanted to make the most of
this window while we're the champs,

391
00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:25,357
look a white shark in the eye and go,
"What up, runner-up?"

392
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:31,696
That was my little Everest.
Obviously, it's a controlled dive.

393
00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:34,908
You dive inside an anti-white shark cage,

394
00:25:34,991 --> 00:25:36,409
they throw some meat,

395
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:39,329
the white sharks are attracted
by the smell of blood,

396
00:25:39,412 --> 00:25:41,915
you take a pic, post it on Insta, success.

397
00:25:43,416 --> 00:25:47,671
However, there's no guarantee
white sharks will actually show up,

398
00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:51,508
since they aren't
on the travel agency payroll.

399
00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:57,305
So there's this dilemma in the air.

400
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,767
And if they don't show up,
you don't get a refund.

401
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:02,602
You don't.

402
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:05,772
'Cause the boat went there,
and the meat was thrown.

403
00:26:05,855 --> 00:26:08,066
Then it's just a shitty ride for you,

404
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:11,361
underwater with a bunch of meat
behind you.

405
00:26:12,779 --> 00:26:15,782
No caption's gonna make
this look nice on Instagram.

406
00:26:16,533 --> 00:26:17,909
Caio Fernando Abreu.

407
00:26:18,535 --> 00:26:19,703
<i>The Little Prince.</i>

408
00:26:20,537 --> 00:26:24,082
You become responsible, forever,
for the beef you have tamed.

409
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:26,459
It's useless.

410
00:26:33,341 --> 00:26:36,344
Why didn't I go in?
'Cause I saw this guy's video.

411
00:26:36,428 --> 00:26:38,179
I guy that could've been

412
00:26:39,472 --> 00:26:42,100
any one of us, a tourist.

413
00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:44,019
He puts his wetsuit on--

414
00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:46,605
I don't even know
why this video is online.

415
00:26:48,398 --> 00:26:51,693
Wetsuit on, he's with some friends.

416
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:56,156
Before his friends get in,
he jumps in alone. Bum!

417
00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:58,825
Before the others get in,

418
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:01,953
a white shark comes in,

419
00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:04,664
and he's foaming.

420
00:27:06,207 --> 00:27:10,295
By the looks of it, I thought,
"This shark works at the post office.

421
00:27:11,921 --> 00:27:14,257
It's delivering a package to someone."

422
00:27:17,385 --> 00:27:18,553
The shark jumps.

423
00:27:19,179 --> 00:27:21,598
I didn't know they could jump. They can.

424
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:24,225
It hits the boat hull

425
00:27:25,894 --> 00:27:29,856
and falls right inside the cage.

426
00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:32,233
Some people went, "Whoa."

427
00:27:33,693 --> 00:27:38,948
And we're here with 800 people.
Picture me watching this alone in my room.

428
00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:45,622
The chain gets loose

429
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,542
and sinks the cage completely

430
00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:54,255
with the guy and the runner-up in it.

431
00:27:57,175 --> 00:27:59,719
And the guy was unarmed.

432
00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:04,641
And I don't know about you,
but unarmed, I'm not the champ anymore.

433
00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:08,144
Not even armed, actually.

434
00:28:09,062 --> 00:28:10,438
Because I can't use it.

435
00:28:11,064 --> 00:28:13,149
I guess I'm way over the top 100.

436
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:17,445
I've run from a capybara once, so…

437
00:28:18,988 --> 00:28:20,448
What could I possibly…

438
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:28,289
offer in terms of danger to the jungle?

439
00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:31,626
I did a show in Rio Branco, Acre.

440
00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:34,045
After it,
I was chilling in the dressing room,

441
00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:37,006
out of the blue,
a capybara pokes its head out of a bush.

442
00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:38,800
It looked me in the eye and went…

443
00:28:40,427 --> 00:28:42,303
And it bolted towards me.

444
00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:46,558
I don't think it recognized me.

445
00:28:49,602 --> 00:28:51,104
So I chose

446
00:28:52,272 --> 00:28:53,273
fleeing.

447
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:56,651
I thought it was
the most informed decision

448
00:28:57,569 --> 00:28:58,820
at the time.

449
00:29:01,364 --> 00:29:03,533
I don't even know how capybaras attack.

450
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:08,204
What if I protect my belly
and get a flying kick to the face?

451
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:11,458
It gets me really worried, you know?

452
00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:15,211
'Cause, at any time,
animals may insurge against us,

453
00:29:15,295 --> 00:29:17,464
and I'm not sure
if we're prepared for that.

454
00:29:17,547 --> 00:29:21,509
Our species is way more fragile
than you think.

455
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:25,805
It really is. You know what's
the deadliest species to man?

456
00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:27,724
Everyone thinks it's the lion,

457
00:29:28,224 --> 00:29:30,769
the shark, the hippo.
No. It's the mosquito.

458
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:33,313
This tiny.

459
00:29:34,022 --> 00:29:36,232
A small virgin asshole. That's it.

460
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:40,653
You can't gang up with your friends
and beat a mosquito up.

461
00:29:41,279 --> 00:29:44,866
The mosquito comes,
bites you, and flies off. Malaria!

462
00:29:45,992 --> 00:29:46,993
Just like that.

463
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:52,332
I forget if it's the fourth,
or fifth-deadliest animal to our species,

464
00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:54,000
the sea crocodile.

465
00:29:55,627 --> 00:29:59,339
A salt-water crocodile.

466
00:29:59,422 --> 00:30:01,508
I didn't know about it either,

467
00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:03,843
and that's why I think
it's a badass animal.

468
00:30:05,470 --> 00:30:07,722
When it comes up, people go, "What?

469
00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:10,975
Shouldn't you be in a river?" Bam!

470
00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:14,562
You die before finishing the question.

471
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:23,363
You go, "I was at the beach.

472
00:30:24,405 --> 00:30:26,866
Where did that fucking tidal bore
come from?"

473
00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:31,621
And I always wondered what species

474
00:30:32,372 --> 00:30:36,334
would I be able to defeat
in head-to-head combat?

475
00:30:40,797 --> 00:30:42,590
I think I could defeat a seal.

476
00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:45,969
'Cause seals,

477
00:30:47,470 --> 00:30:48,888
they don't have arms.

478
00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:52,725
So fuck you, Seal.

479
00:30:54,143 --> 00:30:55,436
"Seal" you later.

480
00:30:57,063 --> 00:30:59,065
An armlock is out of the question.

481
00:31:00,191 --> 00:31:01,734
It'd be like pole dancing.

482
00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:04,404
Slowly sliding to the ground.

483
00:31:05,572 --> 00:31:07,574
Respect the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

484
00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:10,118
The Gracies rule.

485
00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,331
Neither a rear-naked choke,
or it'd slip up

486
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:17,417
like a soap bar.

487
00:31:20,587 --> 00:31:23,006
I think I can defeat a pigeon.

488
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:26,217
Pigeons piss me off a bit.
It's personal, you know?

489
00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:29,470
'Cause every human being
has dreamt of being able to fly.

490
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:32,181
Pigeons can fly, but they don't.

491
00:31:33,474 --> 00:31:35,143
They'd rather take a stroll.

492
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:37,854
Jogging pigeons.

493
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:44,235
It's like seeing an Airbus on the freeway.

494
00:31:45,820 --> 00:31:48,656
You go, "What up, Airbus?"
It says, "I'm heading to Rio."

495
00:31:49,616 --> 00:31:50,491
"Surface travel?"

496
00:31:50,575 --> 00:31:52,577
He goes, "I'll stop at Roasted Chicken."

497
00:31:54,245 --> 00:31:56,623
Roasted Chicken is a peculiar place.

498
00:32:00,293 --> 00:32:04,213
Roasted Chicken doesn't sell
roasted chicken. What's up with that?

499
00:32:04,297 --> 00:32:06,382
I went there and ordered roasted chicken.

500
00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:09,260
Guy says, "We don't have it."
I go, "It's in the name."

501
00:32:09,844 --> 00:32:13,097
"There's fried chicken though."
"Well, let's repaint your sign."

502
00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:17,894
And the pigeons,
they only fly in two situations.

503
00:32:21,022 --> 00:32:23,316
Either to take a shit on our heads…

504
00:32:23,399 --> 00:32:25,902
Pigeons seem to suffer
from ass shyness, you know?

505
00:32:27,070 --> 00:32:29,197
They're hanging out
with the homies and go,

506
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:30,865
"Guys, I'm gonna take a dump."

507
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:37,080
It flies off, unloads,
and dry-cleans its ass on the way back.

508
00:32:38,915 --> 00:32:41,376
Or when you stomp your foot.

509
00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:44,754
Then they remember, "Right, I can fly!"

510
00:32:51,260 --> 00:32:52,345
Three!

511
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:57,392
They flap their wings three times
to the nearest sidewalk.

512
00:32:58,434 --> 00:33:01,813
"Go see the world, goddamit.
Fly off to Europe, or Oceania."

513
00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:06,359
They prefer to cosplay
as homeless downtown.

514
00:33:08,236 --> 00:33:10,113
Fucking birdbrains.

515
00:33:15,451 --> 00:33:17,829
I'm not saying I wanna beat up a pigeon.

516
00:33:18,454 --> 00:33:22,333
I don't wanna be misinterpreted by anyone.

517
00:33:23,584 --> 00:33:25,211
I'm a pet-friendly guy.

518
00:33:27,755 --> 00:33:29,757
I've had pets as a kid.

519
00:33:30,258 --> 00:33:32,260
My dream was to have

520
00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:36,347
a Siberian husky, but my mom prohibited…

521
00:33:38,391 --> 00:33:40,893
allegedly 'cause we lived in Recife,

522
00:33:41,477 --> 00:33:43,563
and the husky was Siberian.

523
00:33:46,357 --> 00:33:47,442
So…

524
00:33:50,528 --> 00:33:52,572
we reached an agreement

525
00:33:54,073 --> 00:33:56,325
it'd be too much of a displacement.

526
00:33:58,244 --> 00:34:02,707
Therefore, if anyone here today,
or watching this,

527
00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:05,877
is a big fan of Luisa Mell

528
00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:09,005
or John Wick…

529
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:14,802
I wanna make it clear
I'm against animal cruelty.

530
00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:20,391
I'm just saying,
if I ever had to battle a pigeon

531
00:34:20,475 --> 00:34:24,979
to have humanity go up a few positions

532
00:34:25,063 --> 00:34:28,357
in the food chain ranking, I'd say, "Yes."

533
00:34:29,317 --> 00:34:31,069
I'm ready for this fight.

534
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:34,155
But I'm not calling out the pigeon.

535
00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:38,201
However, for humanity,
and if the fucker attacks me first,

536
00:34:38,284 --> 00:34:39,786
I'll make it "coo" in no time.

537
00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:42,955
I'm game, goddammit.

538
00:34:52,465 --> 00:34:55,885
Everyone freaking out on the boat.
The guy underwater with the shark.

539
00:34:55,968 --> 00:34:57,595
People won't stop screaming.

540
00:35:00,515 --> 00:35:03,101
Those were different languages
compiled for you.

541
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:06,104
Silence.

542
00:35:10,983 --> 00:35:13,319
Blood starts surfacing. A lot of blood.

543
00:35:16,155 --> 00:35:17,240
A lot of blood.

544
00:35:18,199 --> 00:35:20,076
People get even more freaked out.

545
00:35:20,159 --> 00:35:23,037
The shark swims off.
Apparently, it was the shark's blood.

546
00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:24,914
It cut itself on the way out.

547
00:35:24,997 --> 00:35:28,251
It's probably fine, it's a white shark.
It'll show off the scar

548
00:35:28,334 --> 00:35:33,047
to other sharks and saying, "This is from
my fight with the world's champ."

549
00:35:34,882 --> 00:35:39,011
The water becomes still,
the blood clears, and a head emerges

550
00:35:39,095 --> 00:35:40,346
attached to the body.

551
00:35:41,514 --> 00:35:46,477
People fish the guy out.
He's walking in a very strange way.

552
00:35:46,561 --> 00:35:48,980
But I don't know how he used to walk.

553
00:35:51,858 --> 00:35:54,735
But he looked affected.

554
00:35:56,654 --> 00:35:59,782
Man, it was kinda like… No.

555
00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:07,790
They take his goggles off,
start to ask questions.

556
00:36:07,874 --> 00:36:11,169
He's silent. They sit him down,
the camera zooms in on his face.

557
00:36:11,252 --> 00:36:13,671
Everyone screaming,
the camera zooms on his eyes.

558
00:36:13,754 --> 00:36:16,174
He's silent.
The camera zooms in on one eye.

559
00:36:16,257 --> 00:36:19,093
Everyone screaming,
the camera zooms in on his pupil.

560
00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:22,221
Everyone screaming, he's silent,
and the video ends.

561
00:36:24,223 --> 00:36:26,934
That was when I said,
"I'm not fucking going."

562
00:36:27,768 --> 00:36:30,771
You could see he was physically unharmed,

563
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:34,275
but you could glimpse in his gaze

564
00:36:35,067 --> 00:36:39,572
it was gonna be at least ten years
of Tuesdays and Thursdays at the therapy.

565
00:36:40,907 --> 00:36:43,201
And my health insurance
doesn't cover that.

566
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,960
Not to mention he probably shat himself,

567
00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:57,340
and you can only take off the wetsuit
by pulling it up.

568
00:36:59,550 --> 00:37:03,763
So it leaves a trail of shit and shame

569
00:37:04,472 --> 00:37:08,100
from your asshole all the way
to your neck so that people can ask,

570
00:37:08,184 --> 00:37:11,229
"Weren't you the white shark badass?
Shit your pants, man?"

571
00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:15,608
The guy, "No, I shat myself
to rub it in the shark's eye.

572
00:37:15,691 --> 00:37:18,152
The shark is down there with pink eye."

573
00:37:18,236 --> 00:37:21,197
The shark's going,
"Can anyone blow here, please?

574
00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:25,826
Not sure what happened.
They threw some meat,

575
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:30,414
I thought it was for me and ran,
I jumped for joy,

576
00:37:30,498 --> 00:37:34,210
hit something, fell inside a cage,
a guy was there, I yelled, 'Wait!'

577
00:37:34,293 --> 00:37:37,755
Can you believe the guy stuck his finger
in his ass and poked my eye?

578
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:39,215
Twice!

579
00:37:40,841 --> 00:37:45,137
What kinda fucking strike is this, bro?

580
00:37:47,723 --> 00:37:49,809
I even cut myself on the way out.

581
00:37:50,559 --> 00:37:53,437
If I figure out that kitchen knife,
he's fucked."

582
00:37:56,691 --> 00:37:59,568
The other time, it was in Manaus.
If you can go there, go.

583
00:37:59,652 --> 00:38:01,028
All you doctors.

584
00:38:03,531 --> 00:38:05,116
Manaus is impressive.

585
00:38:06,409 --> 00:38:10,246
What a wonderful city, it's beautiful.
And when you go to the forest,

586
00:38:10,329 --> 00:38:13,666
wherever you look,
it feels like a Windows wallpaper.

587
00:38:13,749 --> 00:38:14,834
Impressive.

588
00:38:15,418 --> 00:38:19,714
I remember seeing a tree and thinking,
"I think it was in my laptop last week."

589
00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:21,966
The exact same tree.

590
00:38:22,591 --> 00:38:25,386
I struck a friendship
with a local tour guide and said,

591
00:38:25,469 --> 00:38:28,139
"Take me to see things,
I'm leaving tomorrow.

592
00:38:28,222 --> 00:38:32,226
I wanna see everything, forests,
rivers, Indians, the whole shebang."

593
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:34,186
I've always been crazy about Indians.

594
00:38:34,270 --> 00:38:39,066
Seriously. They got here before us,
so they know stuff. They're the real deal.

595
00:38:39,692 --> 00:38:43,696
And I'd only seen Indians at school,
on Indian Day,

596
00:38:43,779 --> 00:38:46,407
and those were my friends
dressed as Indians,

597
00:38:47,658 --> 00:38:49,535
so I don't think it counts.

598
00:38:49,618 --> 00:38:51,162
Curly-haired Indians.

599
00:38:51,996 --> 00:38:52,997
Fat Indians.

600
00:38:54,123 --> 00:38:56,292
Everyone knows fat Indians are forbidden.

601
00:38:58,002 --> 00:38:59,253
So we left.

602
00:39:00,004 --> 00:39:02,798
Guide goes, "Rodrigo,
we're gonna visit an Indian tribe

603
00:39:02,882 --> 00:39:04,300
in the heart of the forest."

604
00:39:04,383 --> 00:39:06,844
And I'm like, "On the edge would be fine."

605
00:39:07,845 --> 00:39:10,973
And we walked and walked.
It was fucking far,

606
00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:14,435
but the visuals were amazing.
And suddenly, it opens up.

607
00:39:15,394 --> 00:39:17,563
The woods open up, fucking amazing.

608
00:39:17,646 --> 00:39:20,649
A huge Indian tribe, enormous.

609
00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:22,693
Way more badass than at school.

610
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:27,031
You could see those guys
would get good grades.

611
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:32,578
I became friends with an Indian
named Kuiaiá.

612
00:39:32,661 --> 00:39:35,081
Great human being. Great Indian.

613
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:39,210
Kuiaiá is like Enzo in our world.

614
00:39:41,337 --> 00:39:42,922
I started chatting with Kuiaiá.

615
00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:46,675
And Kuiaiá says, "Rodrigo,
if you keep walking in this way,

616
00:39:47,385 --> 00:39:50,388
into the deep forest…"
I'm like, "Nah, I'm not going."

617
00:39:51,138 --> 00:39:53,682
"But if you did…"
I go, "No, I know myself.

618
00:39:54,725 --> 00:39:56,310
I'm with the ones who stay."

619
00:39:57,686 --> 00:40:00,523
"You're an Indian and you're here.
Why would I go there?

620
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:07,696
Have you ever been there?"

621
00:40:07,780 --> 00:40:10,616
He goes, "Never."
"So what you talking about, Kuiaiá?"

622
00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:15,663
"If you walk for ten days
and ten nights into the forest,

623
00:40:15,746 --> 00:40:18,249
you'll get to an Indian tribe
no one's ever seen."

624
00:40:18,332 --> 00:40:20,459
I go, "And how would you know that?"

625
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:23,212
He says, "The shaman told me."

626
00:40:23,295 --> 00:40:25,714
I go, "And you'll fall
for that shaman talk?"

627
00:40:30,136 --> 00:40:33,931
He was carving something while we talked.

628
00:40:34,014 --> 00:40:36,434
When he finished, he showed me.

629
00:40:36,517 --> 00:40:41,439
It was a wooden sloth on a string
with a little swing underneath. Beautiful.

630
00:40:41,522 --> 00:40:45,526
I say, "Wow, Kuiaiá, amazing. Congrats."
He goes, "Did you like it?"

631
00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:50,281
I say, "I loved it." He goes, "For real?"
I say, "For real. You're an artist."

632
00:40:50,364 --> 00:40:53,117
He asks, "You want it?"
I go, "You giving it to me?

633
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:55,035
Of course I want it, Kuiaiá."

634
00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:56,996
He goes, "I'm selling it."

635
00:41:00,541 --> 00:41:03,544
I go, "Capitalism has arrived here,
right, Kuiaiá?"

636
00:41:06,130 --> 00:41:08,924
He goes, "You want it?"
"No. I don't want it anymore."

637
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:13,429
He asks, "Why not?"
I say, "I thought it was a gift.

638
00:41:13,512 --> 00:41:15,347
It's not like my place is in need

639
00:41:15,973 --> 00:41:17,683
of living room decoration."

640
00:41:18,559 --> 00:41:20,269
Says, "Take it to remember me by."

641
00:41:20,352 --> 00:41:22,688
I go, "I have a pretty
fucking good memory.

642
00:41:24,023 --> 00:41:26,192
I've taken some pictures,
made some videos."

643
00:41:29,862 --> 00:41:32,406
He goes, "Seriously, Rodrigo,
this one is special."

644
00:41:32,490 --> 00:41:35,284
I go, "Kuiaiá, I can see
another 80 back there."

645
00:41:37,578 --> 00:41:41,749
He says, "But you saw me making this one."
I go, "That's Indian bullshit, Kuiaiá.

646
00:41:42,416 --> 00:41:43,501
How much is it?"

647
00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:46,837
He goes, "Fifty." I ask, "Reais?"

648
00:41:48,339 --> 00:41:50,925
In case there's
some kind of Indian cryptocurrency.

649
00:41:52,218 --> 00:41:54,637
But I thought it was an outrageous price.

650
00:41:55,262 --> 00:41:58,724
I go, "Fifty? Seriously?"
He goes, "Yeah." I go, "Damn it, Kuiaiá.

651
00:41:58,807 --> 00:42:01,310
I told you I'm living
in São Paulo now, didn't I?

652
00:42:01,810 --> 00:42:04,855
There's a place in São Paulo
called 25 de Março.

653
00:42:06,690 --> 00:42:10,694
It's this way, 35 days
into the deep forest.

654
00:42:12,821 --> 00:42:14,031
Straight this way.

655
00:42:18,285 --> 00:42:19,161
You'll find…

656
00:42:21,247 --> 00:42:23,082
You'll find some guys' tribe,

657
00:42:24,625 --> 00:42:26,669
where for 15 reais, Kuiaiá…

658
00:42:28,295 --> 00:42:30,548
you get Spider-Man

659
00:42:32,049 --> 00:42:33,842
with a machine gun.

660
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:43,269
Do you realize Spider-Man
doesn't even carry a machine gun?

661
00:42:44,436 --> 00:42:45,729
That's a plus

662
00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:50,651
they give you at 25 de Março
that Marvel doesn't.

663
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:56,365
And you want to sell me
an unarmed wooden sloth for 50 bucks

664
00:42:57,575 --> 00:42:59,952
that I'm not even sure
could take on a seal?"

665
00:43:01,453 --> 00:43:05,207
He goes, "But it's handmade."
I go, "Of course, it is, Kuiaiá!

666
00:43:05,291 --> 00:43:09,420
Who'd waste time creating a machine
to make wooden sloths?

667
00:43:11,088 --> 00:43:14,550
It's not like the planet needs them
to the extent of applying Fordism,

668
00:43:14,633 --> 00:43:18,012
setting up a mass production assembly line

669
00:43:18,095 --> 00:43:21,307
to meet the global demands
for wooden sloths, Kuiaiá!"

670
00:43:23,517 --> 00:43:27,062
"How much would you pay for it?"
"I don't wanna offend you, Kuiaiá."

671
00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:32,651
He goes, "Give me a figure."
I go, "Kuiaiá…

672
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:41,243
I'll give you two Spider-Men."

673
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:43,871
I thought it was a fair price.

674
00:43:43,954 --> 00:43:45,122
Kuiaiá did too.

675
00:43:45,914 --> 00:43:49,627
My mistake was opening my wallet.
There was only one bill in it.

676
00:43:50,210 --> 00:43:51,170
Fifty.

677
00:43:51,253 --> 00:43:53,088
It's as if you guys were there.

678
00:43:54,632 --> 00:43:56,008
It was a 50 reais bill.

679
00:43:56,884 --> 00:43:58,886
The moment Kuiaiá laid eyes on it…

680
00:44:00,929 --> 00:44:06,310
I glimpsed in his eyes,
for the first time, the Indian rage.

681
00:44:08,562 --> 00:44:10,564
I thought, "He'll shoot an arrow at me.

682
00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:13,651
I'm not even sure
running will do any good.

683
00:44:14,443 --> 00:44:17,946
What if Kuiaiá is
some kind of Indian sniper?

684
00:44:19,782 --> 00:44:22,576
I'm not in the mood
for a brazilwood headshot."

685
00:44:24,620 --> 00:44:27,164
Kuiaiá was silent for three long seconds,

686
00:44:27,247 --> 00:44:30,250
which is a lot of awkward time
between two people.

687
00:44:30,334 --> 00:44:32,586
More so in the middle of a forest.

688
00:44:32,670 --> 00:44:35,589
When he finally
breaks the silence by ranting,

689
00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:37,341
"That's fucked up, Rodrigo."

690
00:44:39,134 --> 00:44:42,262
I go, "I didn't know, Kuiaiá!
I'd never bargain like this

691
00:44:42,346 --> 00:44:45,307
if I knew I had a 50.
Do you have a 20 for change?"

692
00:44:46,141 --> 00:44:47,267
He says, "I don't."

693
00:44:47,351 --> 00:44:51,438
I go, "How do you intend to be
the forest businessman without change?"

694
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:56,402
Everything I say in this show is true,
but what I'll tell you next,

695
00:44:56,485 --> 00:44:59,363
if I were one of you, I'd be suspicious.

696
00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:03,784
That said, I'll mention it beforehand,

697
00:45:04,284 --> 00:45:08,163
you can double-check the following facts.

698
00:45:09,331 --> 00:45:12,126
Kuiaiá leans his body to the right

699
00:45:12,209 --> 00:45:16,130
and pulls from his Guarani shoulder bag

700
00:45:17,047 --> 00:45:19,675
a credit card terminal.

701
00:45:28,267 --> 00:45:30,686
I went, "Go fuck yourself, Kuiaiá!

702
00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:33,564
There's not even service out here, bro.

703
00:45:35,649 --> 00:45:38,652
In the old days you'd settle
for some mirrors.

704
00:45:41,947 --> 00:45:43,824
"And to me it's, 'Debit or credit?'"

705
00:45:45,576 --> 00:45:46,952
The service was working.

706
00:45:49,329 --> 00:45:54,835
To this day, I'm not sure how,
in the middle of the forest, service.

707
00:45:56,086 --> 00:45:57,087
I don't know how.

708
00:45:57,755 --> 00:46:00,883
Probably monkeys running around
with routers on their heads.

709
00:46:07,014 --> 00:46:10,559
To this day, I'm curious how there
could be service in a place

710
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:13,061
where a jaguar can just jump you

711
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:16,064
while your 4G goes to shit.

712
00:46:16,899 --> 00:46:18,817
There was an Indian streaming a video,

713
00:46:20,277 --> 00:46:21,904
while fishing, on Twitch TV.

714
00:46:28,660 --> 00:46:29,787
I paid by card.

715
00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:31,705
Nubank.

716
00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:34,666
Credit.

717
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:39,004
I got an instant notification on my cell,

718
00:46:39,087 --> 00:46:41,882
"Kuiaiá Handcrafts, Incorporated."

719
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:45,177
I said, "Go fuck yourself, Kuiaiá."

720
00:46:47,763 --> 00:46:49,598
I purchased it, for real.

721
00:46:51,058 --> 00:46:54,061
It's hanging on my closet doorknob.

722
00:46:54,144 --> 00:46:58,148
Every night, I look that sloth in the eye
and I say, "Kuiaiá…"

723
00:47:00,025 --> 00:47:01,109
And I fall asleep.

724
00:47:02,402 --> 00:47:03,529
It's my Lexotan.

725
00:47:06,240 --> 00:47:07,366
We head to the rivers.

726
00:47:07,449 --> 00:47:10,369
There are two rivers there,
the Rio Negro and the Solimões,

727
00:47:10,452 --> 00:47:15,082
whose waters run side by side
without mixing. They meet and repel.

728
00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:18,293
Craziness. It's an old feud.
I don't know what happened.

729
00:47:19,253 --> 00:47:21,338
Guide goes, "Put your hand in the water."

730
00:47:21,421 --> 00:47:23,382
It's cold. Must've been the Rio Negro.

731
00:47:23,465 --> 00:47:28,345
When you go over to Solimões, it's warm.
As if God had taken a piss in the water.

732
00:47:28,428 --> 00:47:33,100
Then the guy goes, "Rodrigo, this is
a good place for diving. Do you dive?

733
00:47:33,183 --> 00:47:35,561
People come from
all over the world to dive here

734
00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:37,855
because they leave with a renewed spirit."

735
00:47:37,938 --> 00:47:40,524
I go, "My spirit is fine,
thank you very much."

736
00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:44,444
"Aren't you diving?"
I say, "No." He asks, "Why?"

737
00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:47,406
"Because they shot <i>Anaconda </i>here,
and I watched it twice."

738
00:47:49,867 --> 00:47:52,494
"It's fine."
I say, "You haven't seen the movie."

739
00:47:54,037 --> 00:47:56,665
He goes, "It's fine,
just don't take a piss."

740
00:47:56,748 --> 00:47:59,501
I go, "I don't feel like it,
but what's wrong with it?"

741
00:48:00,168 --> 00:48:01,837
No one took a piss in the movie.

742
00:48:02,588 --> 00:48:04,798
"There's this fish called candiru,

743
00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:07,676
and if you pee, it gets inside your cock

744
00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:10,137
and eats you from the inside out."

745
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:17,853
I go, "Why would I dive in a place
with such a hostile enemy?

746
00:48:20,188 --> 00:48:22,774
In Recife, my mother used to say

747
00:48:23,609 --> 00:48:26,945
that if you peed,
the pool chlorine would change color.

748
00:48:27,946 --> 00:48:30,532
Here in Manaus, I find this punishment

749
00:48:31,950 --> 00:48:33,452
a tad harsher."

750
00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:38,498
He goes, "Just don't pee.
Can't you hold it?"

751
00:48:38,582 --> 00:48:40,083
I go, "Sure, I can."

752
00:48:40,918 --> 00:48:46,381
Problem is, I'm in the water,
a snake shows up, I get scared,

753
00:48:47,257 --> 00:48:49,259
there'll be a three-drop leakage.

754
00:48:50,218 --> 00:48:56,141
And I don't know if the candiru
will be able to tell a scare leak

755
00:48:56,808 --> 00:49:00,020
from a piss of utter disrespect
to its home.

756
00:49:00,854 --> 00:49:03,398
And not being able to tell,

757
00:49:03,482 --> 00:49:06,485
it can very well get into my cock
and do its thing.

758
00:49:07,235 --> 00:49:10,739
I don't even wanna know
what happens if I shit my pants.

759
00:49:10,822 --> 00:49:14,076
In come the machine gun-armed dolphins
to butt-fuck me? Nah.

760
00:49:15,953 --> 00:49:17,245
I won't risk it.

761
00:49:24,878 --> 00:49:26,588
See why I'm not getting in?"

762
00:49:27,297 --> 00:49:29,633
"Here's different, Rodrigo,
you're in Noronha,

763
00:49:29,716 --> 00:49:31,301
not South Africa or Manaus.

764
00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:32,970
It's all water, bro."

765
00:49:33,053 --> 00:49:36,348
"The biggest danger I'm willing to face
in the water is chlorine."

766
00:49:36,431 --> 00:49:40,644
He goes, "Rodrigo, it's fine."
I go, "I won't go. You heard me, bro."

767
00:49:42,104 --> 00:49:44,564
Also listening to this whole conversation

768
00:49:45,524 --> 00:49:46,566
was Tato,

769
00:49:48,443 --> 00:49:49,486
from Falamansa.

770
00:49:50,821 --> 00:49:53,115
He comes walking to us and says,

771
00:49:53,615 --> 00:49:55,617
"I was listening to the whole thing."

772
00:49:56,201 --> 00:49:58,829
Actually, this was how I knew

773
00:49:59,663 --> 00:50:01,790
he was listening to the whole thing.

774
00:50:04,876 --> 00:50:06,503
He goes, "You won't get in?"

775
00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:09,256
I go, "Weren't you listening
to the whole thing?"

776
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:17,597
Tato is a poet, a musician, a songwriter,
an artist. He's ludic. He's long-haired.

777
00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:20,267
He says nice things,

778
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:25,272
loose words of wisdom,
then leaves you to chew on them.

779
00:50:26,648 --> 00:50:27,733
He goes, "Rodrigo,

780
00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,819
my kids are in the water."

781
00:50:30,902 --> 00:50:34,197
I say, "It's not my fault, Tato,
if you don't appreciate them."

782
00:50:36,199 --> 00:50:40,579
He goes, "Rodrigo,
you and the sea, reciprocity."

783
00:50:41,204 --> 00:50:43,999
I go, "Tato, I don't even know
what that means."

784
00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:47,586
He says, "Nature is abstract.

785
00:50:48,420 --> 00:50:50,630
You can't be tangent to it."

786
00:50:51,214 --> 00:50:53,592
I go, "Tato, go fuck yourself.

787
00:50:55,427 --> 00:50:59,723
Are you bullshitting me?
What fucking tangent is that, Tato?"

788
00:51:00,432 --> 00:51:02,642
And Tato is here, he knows it's true.

789
00:51:04,811 --> 00:51:08,190
I go, "They're lemon sharks, bro.
It's the killer Pepsi Twist.

790
00:51:08,899 --> 00:51:10,025
Are you insane?"

791
00:51:11,651 --> 00:51:14,529
Everyone got in.

792
00:51:16,073 --> 00:51:18,200
Only Captain Cook and I
stayed on the boat.

793
00:51:19,367 --> 00:51:23,455
I was drinking, and when I drink,
I get bold, so I go, "Captain Cook!

794
00:51:24,498 --> 00:51:26,625
If you wanna get in, I'll hold the fort."

795
00:51:29,544 --> 00:51:31,463
But he wasn't interested.

796
00:51:32,380 --> 00:51:35,675
But he saw I was drinking
and treated me like a child.

797
00:51:35,759 --> 00:51:37,803
He gave me an idea that seemed awesome,

798
00:51:37,886 --> 00:51:41,473
but when I woke up the next day,
first thing I said was, "Captain Cook…"

799
00:51:42,474 --> 00:51:44,976
He asked,
"Rodrigo, are you afraid of the sharks?

800
00:51:45,060 --> 00:51:47,687
Nonsense. Just stay near the boat.

801
00:51:48,814 --> 00:51:52,317
So if the sharks come,
they'll get to the others first."

802
00:51:54,152 --> 00:51:56,154
I go, "That's true, Captain Cook.

803
00:51:57,823 --> 00:52:00,242
By the time they're done
with the appetizers,

804
00:52:01,535 --> 00:52:03,829
I'd have climbed back on board.

805
00:52:04,496 --> 00:52:08,458
And if they come get me up here,
I won't even try to run, they earned it.

806
00:52:09,501 --> 00:52:13,880
I wouldn't dare get in the way
of Darwinism happening before my eyes."

807
00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:19,636
I get in.

808
00:52:26,518 --> 00:52:28,103
I got water in my goggles.

809
00:52:29,354 --> 00:52:31,273
I climbed back up, disappointed,

810
00:52:31,940 --> 00:52:35,569
seeing the goggles had failed
in its only purpose.

811
00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:40,657
I yell to the tour guide, "Bro,
there's water getting in my goggles!"

812
00:52:40,740 --> 00:52:42,951
He goes, "Spit and put them back on."

813
00:52:44,161 --> 00:52:49,416
"Please repeat that louder,
because I heard something absurd here."

814
00:52:51,793 --> 00:52:54,087
He goes, "Spit and put them back on."

815
00:52:54,796 --> 00:52:57,007
I go, "That's your fetish, not mine!"

816
00:52:58,425 --> 00:53:00,594
"That's the way they work."
I go, "No way."

817
00:53:00,677 --> 00:53:03,054
"It's true."
I go, "Let's call customer service.

818
00:53:03,138 --> 00:53:05,932
Let's do that together,
and put it on speaker."

819
00:53:07,392 --> 00:53:09,102
"Just spit and put them on."

820
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,813
I go, "I'm not spitting
and putting them on."

821
00:53:11,897 --> 00:53:13,648
He goes, "Want me to spit for you?"

822
00:53:14,774 --> 00:53:16,651
I go, "I ain't your bitch."

823
00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:20,822
So I solved it my own way, right?

824
00:53:26,244 --> 00:53:27,495
Which was diving…

825
00:53:45,722 --> 00:53:48,016
"Noronha is impressive underwater."

826
00:53:48,099 --> 00:53:51,311
And I was so scared
some creature could jump on me.

827
00:53:51,394 --> 00:53:53,396
And then it did. A sea turtle.

828
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:57,692
Underwater, they're agile as fuck.
I wasn't aware of that.

829
00:53:57,776 --> 00:54:02,489
Not sure if they're all like that,
but mine definitely had some nitro boost.

830
00:54:04,115 --> 00:54:06,326
Maybe it shot out of a whale's blowhole,

831
00:54:07,035 --> 00:54:09,454
or it was going downhill,
or something like that.

832
00:54:09,537 --> 00:54:12,165
Someone threw it in and went,
"Move, damn it!"

833
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:16,211
And it was huge. A big, fat Michelangelo.

834
00:54:17,879 --> 00:54:22,425
It zooms past me, and not knowing
how to react, I yell, "Turtle!"

835
00:54:23,093 --> 00:54:24,886
But underwater it sounds like…

836
00:54:27,764 --> 00:54:29,474
It gives me this fuming look.

837
00:54:30,517 --> 00:54:32,811
It was an activist turtle.

838
00:54:33,853 --> 00:54:35,480
It threw a straw at me.

839
00:54:37,232 --> 00:54:39,609
It had a Greenpeace tattoo on its shell,

840
00:54:40,402 --> 00:54:43,238
an IBAMA pin, a Speedo cap,

841
00:54:44,322 --> 00:54:46,116
and some TAMAR Project flyers.

842
00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:50,537
It steps on the gas and leaves fuming.

843
00:54:50,620 --> 00:54:54,374
Unfazed, I kept looking at it, thinking,
"Fucking beautiful creature."

844
00:54:54,457 --> 00:54:56,126
And then get water in my goggles.

845
00:54:56,793 --> 00:55:00,797
I surface back,
drain the goggles, my eyes get clear,

846
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:03,591
and I see a fin in the distance.

847
00:55:04,092 --> 00:55:06,678
I go, "Wow, nice. Death is coming." So…

848
00:55:08,972 --> 00:55:10,640
I jump back into the boat…

849
00:55:13,101 --> 00:55:14,602
with a sweet tachycardia…

850
00:55:16,813 --> 00:55:20,483
sit down on the chair. I'm alive.

851
00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:22,986
And then my watch buzzes.
I look and it says,

852
00:55:23,069 --> 00:55:25,655
"Congratulations, Rodrigo,
you started a new run."

853
00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:32,996
This watch doesn't know shit.

854
00:55:39,002 --> 00:55:41,212
The tour guide comes to the boat and goes,

855
00:55:41,296 --> 00:55:44,132
"What happened, bro?
Get back in the water."

856
00:55:45,008 --> 00:55:48,053
I go, "No." He asks, "Why not?"
I say, "It's there."

857
00:55:48,136 --> 00:55:50,638
He asks, "What?"
I say, "There, the beast."

858
00:55:51,973 --> 00:55:54,768
He asks, "What?"
I say, "The shark. The lemon killer."

859
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:58,897
"Over there?" I say, "In the flesh, bro."

860
00:55:58,980 --> 00:56:01,358
He says, "Wait, I'll go check."
I say, "What?"

861
00:56:04,527 --> 00:56:07,364
How much does the travel agency
pay these people?

862
00:56:08,782 --> 00:56:10,784
You point them to death,

863
00:56:11,368 --> 00:56:13,036
and they go face it?

864
00:56:13,661 --> 00:56:14,871
"Can hardly wait!"

865
00:56:15,872 --> 00:56:17,207
And off he goes.

866
00:56:17,290 --> 00:56:19,876
I go, "What fucking hazard pay is that?"

867
00:56:20,460 --> 00:56:23,922
"Paulinho, get back on the boat,
the tour guide is already lost!"

868
00:56:25,090 --> 00:56:28,468
"Nice kid. Didn't deserve to die
for having a weird goggle fetish."

869
00:56:33,056 --> 00:56:35,558
The tour guide returns
in less than five minutes.

870
00:56:35,642 --> 00:56:37,769
He goes, "Rodrigo, get back in the water!"

871
00:56:37,852 --> 00:56:39,479
"I'm fine." "Get back in, man."

872
00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:41,147
I go, "I'm fine. Thanks."

873
00:56:41,648 --> 00:56:44,275
He goes, "It's not a shark."
I ask, "What is it?"

874
00:56:44,359 --> 00:56:45,610
He says, "A dolphin."

875
00:56:46,945 --> 00:56:48,863
I go, "I'm also afraid of them."

876
00:56:51,616 --> 00:56:53,785
-You guys afraid of dolphins?
-No!

877
00:56:53,868 --> 00:56:55,787
Well, then you are the badass.

878
00:56:56,621 --> 00:56:59,582
Someone answered, "I've never seen one."

879
00:57:00,125 --> 00:57:02,210
That's great, how cute.

880
00:57:04,170 --> 00:57:06,005
But it doesn't make any sense.

881
00:57:07,006 --> 00:57:09,551
Because I've never seen
an unpinned grenade…

882
00:57:12,637 --> 00:57:15,515
and I know I'm afraid of it.

883
00:57:16,975 --> 00:57:18,435
It's cool you aren't afraid.

884
00:57:18,518 --> 00:57:21,396
Let me find a couple here…
You two are a couple?

885
00:57:21,479 --> 00:57:23,106
Been together for how long?

886
00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:26,943
Three years together? Gee, that's nice.

887
00:57:27,026 --> 00:57:30,029
Three years together,
and an eight-month-old kid.

888
00:57:30,572 --> 00:57:31,406
That's it.

889
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:33,741
Game over, right?

890
00:57:34,701 --> 00:57:37,412
And you're not afraid of dolphins.
What's your name?

891
00:57:38,079 --> 00:57:40,832
Luana. What do you do for a living, Luana?

892
00:57:41,749 --> 00:57:43,751
Teacher? What do you teach?

893
00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:49,466
Kindergarten? Wow, that's great, Luana.

894
00:57:51,593 --> 00:57:54,304
Getting rich is out of the question.
But that's nice.

895
00:57:55,346 --> 00:57:58,099
They should pay you more, for sure.
I'm happy for you.

896
00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:00,393
It must be very rewarding.

897
00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:02,061
-What's your name, pal?
-Samuel.

898
00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:04,814
What do you do for a living?
Samuel and Luana.

899
00:58:04,898 --> 00:58:05,857
I'm a stagehand.

900
00:58:05,940 --> 00:58:08,485
You're a stagehand?
That's it, a man of change.

901
00:58:10,403 --> 00:58:12,614
Looking for a change of scenery.

902
00:58:14,908 --> 00:58:16,242
All over the world.

903
00:58:22,832 --> 00:58:26,252
Three years together, you decide
to go to Noronha to celebrate.

904
00:58:26,336 --> 00:58:29,422
Let's do it every four years,
like the World Cup.

905
00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:33,676
You guys hop on a plane, get to Noronha,

906
00:58:34,969 --> 00:58:38,473
take a boat, get into the deep sea,
and go diving.

907
00:58:38,556 --> 00:58:40,892
Samuel decides to go first,
puts on his trunks.

908
00:58:40,975 --> 00:58:43,186
"A nice change of scenery."

909
00:58:54,531 --> 00:58:58,117
Luana is still on the boat,
on Zoom teaching a class.

910
00:59:00,620 --> 00:59:03,373
Parents holding down their kids.
"Look at the teacher!"

911
00:59:11,005 --> 00:59:14,342
Samuel swims out,
and then he sees a dolphin.

912
00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:17,762
Happy as can be, aren't you, Samuel?
Fuck, man. A dolphin.

913
00:59:17,845 --> 00:59:19,556
He even yells to the dolphin…

914
00:59:21,641 --> 00:59:22,934
And the dolphin answers…

915
00:59:25,895 --> 00:59:30,191
He says, "Man,
the dolphin is coming towards me."

916
00:59:30,275 --> 00:59:32,860
Gets excited,
"Will I be able to touch a dolphin?"

917
00:59:32,944 --> 00:59:35,613
Fuck yeah. Touch a dolphin?
What do you usually touch?

918
00:59:35,697 --> 00:59:37,824
What does a stagehand touch? Touch…

919
00:59:38,449 --> 00:59:42,161
Touch every fucking scenery,
all the stage.

920
00:59:42,829 --> 00:59:46,082
Picture the dolphin,
the texture. Oh, that's insane.

921
00:59:46,165 --> 00:59:49,544
Samuel gets more excited
as the dolphin gets closer and yells,

922
00:59:49,627 --> 00:59:52,255
"Luana! Come to the water, love!

923
00:59:52,338 --> 00:59:55,425
I've got a surprise for you!"
And doesn't tell her what it is.

924
00:59:56,009 --> 00:59:58,428
The dolphin comes near,
almost as if it knew you.

925
00:59:58,511 --> 01:00:01,014
Almost like a stage dolphin. Your pal.

926
01:00:02,932 --> 01:00:05,893
It nestles on your chest, cuddles you.

927
01:00:05,977 --> 01:00:08,062
You start stroking it good, Samuca.

928
01:00:09,981 --> 01:00:12,650
This is your moment, Samuca. Your moment.

929
01:00:12,734 --> 01:00:15,862
You go from the tail to its neck, Samuca.

930
01:00:17,572 --> 01:00:18,781
What a joy.

931
01:00:19,574 --> 01:00:21,826
Juliana swims fast to you.

932
01:00:23,494 --> 01:00:25,246
I said "Juliana," didn't I?

933
01:00:25,330 --> 01:00:28,958
Luana! Luana swimming fast,
a GoPro attached to her head.

934
01:00:30,543 --> 01:00:32,045
Luana is swimming fast.

935
01:00:33,838 --> 01:00:37,300
I'll pause the story a bit
and talk to the audience. Be right back.

936
01:00:38,593 --> 01:00:40,261
Please, stay put.

937
01:00:42,555 --> 01:00:46,643
I've recently read an article
saying that, after the human species,

938
01:00:46,726 --> 01:00:50,897
the species most interested
in raping humans

939
01:00:51,648 --> 01:00:52,690
are dolphins.

940
01:00:57,236 --> 01:00:58,738
Shall we go on with our story?

941
01:01:03,493 --> 01:01:06,829
Luana was swimming. Right, Luana?

942
01:01:06,913 --> 01:01:09,624
And Samuca was here.
Right, Samuca? Right here?

943
01:01:10,958 --> 01:01:14,921
Stroking nicely. Thinking, "What a day.

944
01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:17,924
Thank you, travel agency."

945
01:01:22,261 --> 01:01:23,971
And the dolphin is going…

946
01:01:27,809 --> 01:01:30,520
Samuca is all hands, and then…

947
01:01:32,605 --> 01:01:33,690
At this moment…

948
01:01:39,028 --> 01:01:40,613
the dolphin dives.

949
01:01:40,697 --> 01:01:44,325
And it dives better than you.
Right, Samuca? It's a dolphin.

950
01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:46,619
It begins lowering

951
01:01:47,286 --> 01:01:49,414
your trunks with its beak.

952
01:01:50,164 --> 01:01:51,457
Its little beak goes…

953
01:01:51,541 --> 01:01:53,126
Dolphins are really smart.

954
01:01:53,209 --> 01:01:56,504
They're the third-smartest species
on the planet.

955
01:01:57,004 --> 01:02:01,801
They're only behind us and monkeys.
And monkeys carry Wi-Fi in Manaus.

956
01:02:05,388 --> 01:02:09,726
So just imagine
what a dolphin is capable of doing.

957
01:02:12,103 --> 01:02:14,063
With your trunks lowered…

958
01:02:17,275 --> 01:02:20,069
I didn't wanna say this.
You seem nice, Samuel.

959
01:02:21,779 --> 01:02:23,531
Let's open our hearts and carry on.

960
01:02:24,741 --> 01:02:26,492
What you thought, Samuel,

961
01:02:28,202 --> 01:02:29,954
was just a touristic stroke,

962
01:02:31,789 --> 01:02:33,875
was actually very sweet foreplay.

963
01:02:35,501 --> 01:02:38,921
The dolphin, with its cock hyper-stiff,

964
01:02:41,048 --> 01:02:45,052
with an uncanny ability,

965
01:02:45,136 --> 01:02:48,473
aided by a K-Y-like sea water,

966
01:02:50,725 --> 01:02:53,436
the dolphin begins fucking
Samuel in the ass.

967
01:02:55,563 --> 01:02:58,316
With a frightening rhythm.

968
01:03:05,156 --> 01:03:07,784
This is the dolphin
pumping your ass, Samuel.

969
01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:13,331
It pumps you so hard, you start to wonder
if you have a uterus

970
01:03:13,414 --> 01:03:16,918
'cause it's definitely hitting
something in there.

971
01:03:17,001 --> 01:03:19,420
Every time you manage
to resurface, you yell,

972
01:03:19,504 --> 01:03:21,547
"Luana, don't come here anymore!"

973
01:03:22,381 --> 01:03:25,635
Your voice is getting high-pitched,
a dolphin is butt-fucking you.

974
01:03:31,307 --> 01:03:32,600
Luana gets there.

975
01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:38,731
As soon as she gets there,
the first thing she thinks is,

976
01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:41,692
"What weird fucking surprise is this?"

977
01:03:44,695 --> 01:03:47,114
She dives in and sees

978
01:03:47,865 --> 01:03:51,953
Samuel's desperate look underwater.

979
01:03:52,787 --> 01:03:55,832
And she screams, "Samuel!

980
01:03:56,624 --> 01:03:58,835
There's a dolphin butt-fucking you!"

981
01:04:00,419 --> 01:04:05,758
As if you didn't know. Right, Samuel?
The dolphin has been humping you for ages.

982
01:04:06,717 --> 01:04:10,263
Samuca says, "I'm gonna twerk to see
if the bastard comes faster."

983
01:04:10,346 --> 01:04:13,099
It works! Samuca is smart,
he's a stagehand.

984
01:04:13,182 --> 01:04:15,893
Dolphin doesn't come inside,
so you don't get pregnant.

985
01:04:15,977 --> 01:04:19,105
He takes it out and comes.
A shitload of cum.

986
01:04:19,188 --> 01:04:21,816
You guys start drowning in cum
and sea water.

987
01:04:21,899 --> 01:04:23,985
A shitload of dolphin cum and sea water.

988
01:04:24,068 --> 01:04:26,153
Hey, Flea! Enjoying the show, love?

989
01:04:27,613 --> 01:04:28,656
Very tame, right?

990
01:04:31,576 --> 01:04:32,785
Yeah, I think it is.

991
01:04:49,051 --> 01:04:52,430
Tomorrow, if the class
at Flea's school is about dolphins…

992
01:04:53,806 --> 01:04:56,934
Imagine her mom getting a call,
"Your daughter is crying,

993
01:04:57,685 --> 01:05:01,022
slamming her head against the wall,
screaming, 'Not the dolphins!'"

994
01:05:09,488 --> 01:05:11,240
I think I overdid it a bit.

995
01:05:16,871 --> 01:05:18,581
I was out to prove a point.

996
01:05:20,416 --> 01:05:22,001
That I think it's clear.

997
01:05:24,629 --> 01:05:25,755
The dolphin

998
01:05:27,131 --> 01:05:28,132
left.

999
01:05:28,716 --> 01:05:31,218
When they come, they leave.

1000
01:05:34,221 --> 01:05:36,724
You guys swim slowly back to the boat…

1001
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:41,687
not grasping what really went down.

1002
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:48,235
You get on board, and the nice captain
is cooking some barbecue.

1003
01:05:48,945 --> 01:05:52,531
Says, "You guys want some meat?"
Luana goes, "We don't want anything."

1004
01:05:54,742 --> 01:06:00,247
You go to the bathroom and start crying.
Tears and tears, many tears.

1005
01:06:02,708 --> 01:06:04,293
Then you suddenly hear…

1006
01:06:06,587 --> 01:06:08,798
And say, "Oh, no. The dolphin's back."

1007
01:06:11,425 --> 01:06:15,638
It was the captain saying,
"Guys, we're back at the beach."

1008
01:06:15,721 --> 01:06:17,932
You get down, step on the sand,

1009
01:06:18,599 --> 01:06:21,519
and you get that feeling of safety.
It's dry land.

1010
01:06:22,311 --> 01:06:25,815
But your heads are still going,
"What happened back there?"

1011
01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:30,569
You hug. For the first time,
you manage to touch each other

1012
01:06:30,653 --> 01:06:31,904
after the fact.

1013
01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:35,366
Samuel sees, over Luana's shoulder,

1014
01:06:35,449 --> 01:06:38,077
on the tip of his elbow,

1015
01:06:38,619 --> 01:06:40,705
a small lump of dolphin cum.

1016
01:06:44,750 --> 01:06:46,711
He brushes it off to the ground.

1017
01:06:47,837 --> 01:06:50,339
And right now I'd like to ask both of you,

1018
01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:53,134
would you

1019
01:06:54,301 --> 01:06:58,889
erase the GoPro video
and make a blood oath,

1020
01:07:00,391 --> 01:07:06,897
and neither of you ever as much as
utters the word "dolphin" again,

1021
01:07:08,399 --> 01:07:10,234
or would you tell everyone about it?

1022
01:07:12,361 --> 01:07:14,405
That's right, guys. Silence.

1023
01:07:16,157 --> 01:07:18,159
Do you think the doctor,

1024
01:07:18,242 --> 01:07:21,662
the girl in advertising
or the lawyer ever told anyone?

1025
01:07:23,789 --> 01:07:24,999
That doesn't happen.

1026
01:07:27,460 --> 01:07:28,586
It's all a secrecy.

1027
01:07:30,504 --> 01:07:33,424
No one has the courage
to go to a police station and say,

1028
01:07:33,507 --> 01:07:35,885
"Officer, Flipper

1029
01:07:37,595 --> 01:07:41,223
just fucked us up.
We wanna file a complaint."

1030
01:07:42,058 --> 01:07:44,060
"What did it look like?" "Cuddly."

1031
01:07:45,895 --> 01:07:49,398
No one's afraid of dolphins
'cause their name is a lexical pitfall.

1032
01:07:49,482 --> 01:07:51,901
It ends with an "N."
No one's afraid of that.

1033
01:07:51,984 --> 01:07:55,821
Someone aims a gun at you, "Hand over
the money or I'll shin you." Fuck that.

1034
01:07:56,739 --> 01:08:00,076
If it was named Dolphzilla,
I bet you wouldn't get near the water.

1035
01:08:00,743 --> 01:08:02,703
Dolphzilla sucker-punches whales.

1036
01:08:03,204 --> 01:08:04,580
Respect the Dolphzilla.

1037
01:08:05,498 --> 01:08:06,624
As for the dolphin…

1038
01:08:08,709 --> 01:08:12,254
This is why they're called Trojans.
Much easier to have sex.

1039
01:08:12,922 --> 01:08:15,716
If they were called Spermzillas,
no one would want them.

1040
01:08:15,800 --> 01:08:19,053
"Spermzilla? You're putting on
a Spermzilla to fuck me?

1041
01:08:20,179 --> 01:08:23,182
It won't happen.
My tiny pussy won't fit a Spermzilla."

1042
01:08:26,185 --> 01:08:29,188
Why call them Trojans?
It comes from the Trojan Horse.

1043
01:08:29,271 --> 01:08:33,567
What kinda brainstorm meeting was that
to come up with that name?

1044
01:08:33,651 --> 01:08:36,278
'Cause the basic concept
of the Trojan Horse

1045
01:08:36,362 --> 01:08:39,073
is that the enemy
takes it inside to be opened.

1046
01:08:40,282 --> 01:08:43,244
And that's exactly
what we don't want to happen.

1047
01:08:44,286 --> 01:08:47,164
They should be called
SpermGuard, or CumLock.

1048
01:08:47,248 --> 01:08:50,501
Or something more graphic.
"Creampie Killer." This is great.

1049
01:08:50,584 --> 01:08:52,419
I want to go to a drugstore and say,

1050
01:08:52,503 --> 01:08:56,006
"Gimme a box of Creampie Killers.
'Cause I'm on fire tonight."

1051
01:08:56,507 --> 01:09:00,469
So I didn't get back in the water
'cause I was afraid.

1052
01:09:00,553 --> 01:09:02,054
But good thing you don't.

1053
01:09:05,558 --> 01:09:06,559
That night,

1054
01:09:07,560 --> 01:09:10,479
I did my stand-up set.
That's why I went there.

1055
01:09:10,563 --> 01:09:11,814
And when

1056
01:09:13,315 --> 01:09:16,944
the show was over, it was great.
Such a wonderful crowd in Noronha.

1057
01:09:17,027 --> 01:09:18,362
I was so happy.

1058
01:09:19,029 --> 01:09:22,116
Tato from Falamansa began to play.

1059
01:09:22,700 --> 01:09:26,912
It wasn't Falamansa. It was just Tato.

1060
01:09:27,538 --> 01:09:32,084
But it's not like someone would go,
"Oh, no, where's the bass player?"

1061
01:09:34,461 --> 01:09:36,297
People were happy.

1062
01:09:36,839 --> 01:09:39,800
I start dancing with this girl.
What a great night.

1063
01:09:40,885 --> 01:09:46,557
And then, all of a sudden,
a mosh pit circle formed

1064
01:09:48,267 --> 01:09:49,852
during "Xote da Alegria."

1065
01:09:51,979 --> 01:09:56,400
This couple gets carried away,
bumps into me and the girl

1066
01:09:56,483 --> 01:10:01,280
and I brush my foot on a sharp pebble.

1067
01:10:01,363 --> 01:10:02,740
Sharp as a Ginsu knife.

1068
01:10:03,616 --> 01:10:06,869
It scrapes my big toe,
the skin goes, "Oh, fuck!"

1069
01:10:08,287 --> 01:10:11,165
And this was the moment

1070
01:10:11,248 --> 01:10:13,959
I cut my toe

1071
01:10:15,002 --> 01:10:16,212
in Noronha.

1072
01:10:20,049 --> 01:10:21,050
I didn't even…

1073
01:10:30,142 --> 01:10:33,062
I didn't even care.
I treated it like a soccer bump.

1074
01:10:33,145 --> 01:10:37,399
"I've had plenty of those in my life.
I'll just keep dancing and check later."

1075
01:10:37,483 --> 01:10:41,195
Then, my foot starts
sticking to the ground. I go, "Weird.

1076
01:10:41,278 --> 01:10:42,905
I'm not wearing Velcro sandals."

1077
01:10:44,490 --> 01:10:47,243
When the girl stepped back, I took a look

1078
01:10:47,326 --> 01:10:50,162
and there was a pool of blood.
I go, "Wow, nice.

1079
01:10:53,249 --> 01:10:56,418
I can't keep dancing."
I tapped the girl on the shoulder.

1080
01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:58,254
"Hun?" She says, "Yeah?"

1081
01:10:58,337 --> 01:10:59,213
I say, "Look,

1082
01:11:00,965 --> 01:11:02,883
we need to take a quick break."

1083
01:11:02,967 --> 01:11:05,886
She asks, "What happened?"
I say, "I'm facing a setback.

1084
01:11:08,889 --> 01:11:09,890
Adversities."

1085
01:11:10,641 --> 01:11:14,979
I went after Paulinho.
He's older, my friend,

1086
01:11:15,062 --> 01:11:19,525
he'll probably have some words
of wisdom to unburden my restless heart.

1087
01:11:22,361 --> 01:11:25,781
I wasn't feeling shit.
I was just worried about the blood.

1088
01:11:26,282 --> 01:11:29,535
With the rush from the show
and the alcohol, I was numb.

1089
01:11:30,244 --> 01:11:31,954
I say, "Paulinho, look at this."

1090
01:11:32,037 --> 01:11:35,582
He looks at my foot, back at me
and goes, "You're gonna lose your toe!"

1091
01:11:38,419 --> 01:11:40,838
I'm the kinda guy who goes with the flow.

1092
01:11:40,921 --> 01:11:43,590
As soon as he says that,
my toe starts throbbing.

1093
01:11:45,884 --> 01:11:48,387
I go, "Oh, no, I'm gonna lose my toe!"

1094
01:11:48,470 --> 01:11:51,181
"At least it's in Noronha."
"No, Paulinho!"

1095
01:11:51,265 --> 01:11:53,892
"I'll call my mom."
"Why would you call her for?"

1096
01:11:53,976 --> 01:11:56,228
"I have to tell someone
I'm gonna lose my toe.

1097
01:11:56,312 --> 01:12:00,566
I think she's the right person.
'Mom, that toe you gave me? I lost it!'"

1098
01:12:03,319 --> 01:12:07,156
Paulinho freaked out, "I'll ask for
a gurney to get you through."

1099
01:12:07,239 --> 01:12:09,366
"I won't go through this crowd
on a gurney.

1100
01:12:09,450 --> 01:12:11,327
We were just on stage. Everyone saw.

1101
01:12:11,410 --> 01:12:14,621
'Look, Rodrigo on the gurney
with a boo-boo,' it ain't happening.

1102
01:12:14,705 --> 01:12:17,791
Ask for a wheelchair." He goes, "Why?"
"It's more dignified."

1103
01:12:19,335 --> 01:12:20,627
He didn't get shit.

1104
01:12:21,545 --> 01:12:24,214
He went ahead, yelling,
"Heavy load coming through!"

1105
01:12:25,007 --> 01:12:26,675
And I went along, hopping after,

1106
01:12:27,926 --> 01:12:30,346
splashing blood on people,
getting all dirty.

1107
01:12:30,429 --> 01:12:34,266
When I got back there, I was a mess.
I was bloody from head to toe.

1108
01:12:34,350 --> 01:12:36,769
They raised my foot to stop the bleeding.

1109
01:12:36,852 --> 01:12:40,731
Blood dripped down my shirt,
my shorts, and everywhere.

1110
01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:45,027
From a distance, it looked like
I'd been stabbed eight times in a fight,

1111
01:12:46,111 --> 01:12:49,031
or got shot at least four times.
People were worried sick,

1112
01:12:49,114 --> 01:12:50,866
yelling, calling somebody.

1113
01:12:50,949 --> 01:12:52,284
Then suddenly I hear…

1114
01:12:55,204 --> 01:12:59,083
I go, "Unbelievable!
Bruno Gagliasso got here right now?"

1115
01:12:59,166 --> 01:13:02,169
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Rodrigo Marques.

1116
01:15:07,252 --> 01:15:08,212
SPECIAL THANKS

1117
01:15:08,295 --> 01:15:11,048
MOM, DAD, BIGA AND RAPHA.
TO MY PRODUCERS GUI AND CAM.

1118
01:15:11,131 --> 01:15:14,760
TO MY BROTHERS IN STAND-UP COMEDY,
AND MY CHILDHOOD FRIENDS FROM BABILAK.

1119
01:15:14,843 --> 01:15:21,141
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