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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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I am so happy and honored and overjoyed
to be here tonight,

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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introducing one of my best friends

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and one of my favorite comedians
in the entire world:

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Sheng Wang!

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[crowd cheers, applauds]

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[hip-hop music plays]

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Ali Wong, everybody. Ali Wong.

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Thank you. Thank you so very much.

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I am… super excited
and grateful to be here.

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You know, as you get older,

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you do a lot of things
for the very first time.

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This is the nature of growing up.

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But sometimes, you do things
you thought you would never, ever do.

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Like, I recently bought pants from Costco.

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[crowd laughs]

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That's a big deal.
That's a new chapter in your life.

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Because when you buy pants from Costco,
that's when you don't care anymore.

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That's when we let go of our egos
and we begin our spiritual journey.

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-[crowd cheers]
-Right?

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You hear people say stuff, and go,

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"I'm not concerned about others' opinions.
I don't care what they think."

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"That is just talk."

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Until you back it up
with the Costco pants purchase.

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That's how you let him know he for real.
He don't give a damn for real.

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He wanted the Kirkland pants.

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Don't mess with them.

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When you see somebody wearing
Kirkland pants, you know two things.

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Number one, they do what it takes to live.

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Number two,
but they not afraid to die anymore.

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Because Costco teaches you how to let go.

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Before I get to the store, in my car,

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I do a quick little
meditation-slash-pep rally.

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I say we're about to go
to a hostile environment.

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You already know
there's gonna be some injustice.

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There's gonna be straight-up atrocities.

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Speak up when you can,
accept things you cannot change.

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That's Costco.

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If I can't find parking
in under eight minutes, I drive away.

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Let it go, dude.
That's okay. Today is not the day.

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I'm not going to force it. It's Costco.
I'm gonna respect it like the ocean.

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That's not my schedule.
That's the moon, that's the tides.

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Costco is bigger than all of us.

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A lot of change going on.
I don't know when this happened.

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I just recently found out
that my preferred mainstream candy bar

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is now Mounds.

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It's just surprising, right?
Because we all know

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that's gross.

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That's gross, dude.

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If you don't know what Mounds is,
it's like Almond Joy,

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but there's no almond.

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There's no joy.

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It's a lot of coconut.

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Ooh, baby, this candy is fibrous.

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Maybe this candy got prebiotics.

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Mounds

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is a bad name.

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I don't get it.
The sister product is Almond Joy.

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That's a crucial ingredient
plus a positive emotion.

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Almond Joy. Not a bad name.
Somebody worked on that.

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Who approved Mounds?

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Did they ever see the product?

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Because it's brown and chunky.

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Mounds is a good name
if your only other option was Piles.

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I eat my Mounds weird.
I developed a little ritual of my own.

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What I do is I open my candy bar
and then I pour a side of almonds.

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These are a separate purchase.

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And then I make my own joy.

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I shove the almonds into my Mounds.

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Way more than you get
from a regular Almond Joy.

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I pack it all up in there, real crunchy.

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Then I eat it like dog medicine.

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[crowd laughs]

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I'm blessed, y'all. I'm blessed, dude.

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But some things you assume your whole life

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you thought you were gonna do,
you might not get to.

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I'm learning this now, you know.
Up until recently…

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I thought I was gonna own a house.

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I thought maybe I was gonna own
property on both coasts, you know.

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Now I'm like, man, it would be real nice
if I had a deeper kitchen sink.

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I want that.
I went to my friend's house, I was like,

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"Dang, that's spacious, dude."

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"That's so spacious.
You live a good life, man."

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"Congratulations."

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"I bet whenever you wash
your cookie sheets,

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you never accidentally
flood your countertops, huh?"

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Oops.

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You don't know how I live.
We different. We different, dude.

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It's incredible how much water
comes off of a cookie sheet, though.

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It's wild. It's always a surprise.

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It's like an optical illusion.

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It's so thin
you don't recognize it as a threat.

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You probably tired,
get a little loosey-goosey with it, right?

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Suddenly, bam! "Oh no!
Now my vitamins are in a lagoon."

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Next time you have a housewife,
forget the bucket, grab a cookie sheet.

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I've been thinking about how,
when I was younger,

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I used to walk into a bookstore
full of wonder.

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When I was a kid,
I walked into a bookstore like,

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"Look at all this stuff I'm gonna learn."

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As a grown-up,
I walk into a bookstore like,

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"Look at all this stuff
I'm never gonna know."

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Ooh. It's hard, man. It's hard to see
your ignorance alphabetized.

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I don't like that.

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I'm at the Staff Picks section.
I'm like, "Of all the things I don't know,

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these are Brian's favorites."

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It's overwhelming to be surrounded
by so much knowledge all at once.

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You can see it so clearly,
but you can't have it.

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It's just teasing you,
like a strip club for wisdom.

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I try to read a little bit every night.
Make it a habit, you know?

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The only problem is,
I fall asleep too quickly

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Books are stronger than melatonin.

113
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Just get you a book, dude.
It's about 50 milligrams a page.

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It's natural, it's fast-acting.
The side effects include learning.

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Eight hours, no problem. Put the book
on your nightstand by your bed.

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You wake up in the middle of the night,
see your book, go back down.

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[crowd laughs]

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No, thank you.

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It's bedtime, bro.

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I've been reading a book for a few weeks.
I'm still at the preface.

121
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That's not even the book yet, man.

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It don't count
when the page numbers are still letters.

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I always pack a book, you know,
when I'm on tour,

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afternoon at the beach, a picnic,
I always bring a book.

125
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I just don't read it.

126
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I'm not well-read,
but my books are well-traveled.

127
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It's nice to be my books.
I'll show you the world, girl.

128
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I don't know-- I got to be better
about my time management, you know?

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Like, I don't know how many more years
I'll be on this world,

130
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but, like, at the rate
that I read right now,

131
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I feel like I got about eight books left.

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I gotta pick wisely, you know?

133
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I got an email from The New York Times.

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They're like, "Here's 73 books
to read this summer."

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I'm like, "You don't know me at all, man."

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Unsubscribe.

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Seventy-three books. [chuckles]

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This summer, I'm gonna read one book

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or I'm gonna read this email.

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[crowd laughs]

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The uprate load is too slow.

142
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I read too slow.
I wish I could just plug it in, you know?

143
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Like The Matrix. You know that port?
Just put the port in there like that.

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[moans]

145
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7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

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[crowd laughs]

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I'm a procrastinator, man.
It's really bad. It's a problem, you know?

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Like, I haven't even finished
writing this joke yet.

149
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It's so severe, man. It's so severe.

150
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I'm worried eventually my bucket list

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is just gonna be a bunch of errands
I haven't run yet.

152
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How sad would that be
if my doctor was like,

153
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"You got a few months left to live,"
I'd be like, "Dang, I got to hurry up

154
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and frame these photos."

155
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"I've been living with bare walls
like I'm an assassin."

156
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One goal I've been working on
for a long time.

157
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I've been working on having good posture.

158
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It's hard, dude.
I don't know if I'll get there.

159
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My whole life, my whole life,
I have slouched

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because I'm super humble.

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[crowd laughs]

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I'm a good dude, you know?

163
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I see that as the default, right?

164
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When I see somebody stand up straight,
I don't believe that's natural.

165
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I feel like they doing it on purpose.
I'm like, "You trying to flex on me?"

166
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I can do that too. I can also pretend
like I believe in myself.

167
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I've slouched for so long
it feels normal, it feels comfortable.

168
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It feels like
I'm sending the right message.

169
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It's like, "Hey, nobody hurt this guy."

170
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No, man. He already broken.

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[crow laughs]

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I feel safe.

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If you don't know me,
I'm originally from Texas.

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I grew up in Houston.

175
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I went to the same middle school
as Beyoncé.

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[crowd cheers]

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That's crazy, right? Beyoncé.

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And me.

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[crowd laughs]

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That's wild.
Beyoncé alone is a pretty big deal.

181
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Then you find out Sheng Wang
came from the same part of town.

182
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That's like,
"Wow, that's a lot of talent."

183
00:11:03,537 --> 00:11:04,872
[crowd laughs]

184
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,500
Must have been
something in that water, y'all.

185
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,251
[crowd whistles]

186
00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:15,257
I was raised with Buddhist philosophies,
but I'm very open-minded, you know?

187
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I will go to any church
that has a basketball court.

188
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:25,851
That's my exercise.
I play basketball for cardio, all right?

189
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,520
But not just with anybody.

190
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:31,899
Every Tuesday, I meet
a specific group of friends at the park,

191
00:11:31,982 --> 00:11:34,819
because we all suck
and nobody wants to get hurt.

192
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:40,616
It's a kind game.
I never talk trash, but I giggle a lot.

193
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,662
Yeah, because my mind
wants to do all these things

194
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that my body does not execute.

195
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:51,085
When I get the ball my mind's like,
"Okay, we gonna do a crossover."

196
00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:55,423
"We're gonna do a spin move, and finish
with a very graceful finger roll."

197
00:11:56,048 --> 00:12:00,177
And my body's like, "Actually,
we're gonna pass this ball out of bounds."

198
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,346
[crowd laughs]

199
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,390
"Turnover. Giggle time."

200
00:12:10,604 --> 00:12:11,897
It's a public space.

201
00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:15,860
I can't control if other people
want to shoot hoops,

202
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:19,029
but I can tell if I don't want to play
with somebody right away.

203
00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:22,366
Like, one red flag is if they look fit.

204
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,246
[scoffs] I'm like,
"Oh, you healthy, huh? Okay."

205
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,708
"That's good, man. That's good for you.
I bet you've got skills."

206
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:32,835
"But that's not what this is about."

207
00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:38,340
"No, man, me and my friends, everybody,
we all here because we got diseases."

208
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:42,928
"High blood pressure,
high cholesterol, diabetes, fatty liver."

209
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:45,765
"We're not here to play games.
We here to delay death."

210
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:48,184
[crowd laughs]

211
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,728
"You can come back with a doctor's note."

212
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,735
I love those dudes, you know?
They're very special to me.

213
00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:01,322
They're the most random group of friends
I've ever made in my whole life,

214
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:03,282
because they're all grown men

215
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:06,577
that I met… at the park.

216
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:10,706
They're my park boys.

217
00:13:11,999 --> 00:13:14,126
If I ever did a heist,

218
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that's my crew.

219
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:20,549
Two main reasons. Number one,
we've been balling for eight-plus years,

220
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,302
and yet nobody knows anyone's last names.

221
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:29,141
They barely know my first name.
My name is Sheng, they all call me Chang.

222
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,227
[crowd laughs, applauds]

223
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:37,608
Number two, we have a deep array
of backgrounds and skill sets.

224
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:41,237
We have diverse role players
that you'd need to pull off a heist.

225
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:45,199
We got a Black dude that works
in high-end residential lighting,

226
00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:47,493
so he has access
to all these rich celebrity houses

227
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:48,786
throughout Los Angeles.

228
00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:52,456
We got a Salvadorian financial adviser
to help launder the loot,

229
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:53,749
manage the money.

230
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:58,504
We got a Mexican cop to run interference
if the law wants to get involved.

231
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:03,300
We got another dude that's got
no technical skills, but he's white.

232
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:06,804
[crowd laughs, applauds]

233
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,687
He got powers I don't really understand
but, like…

234
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:17,398
he on the team, man.

235
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,234
We got to have diversity, folks.

236
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:28,409
I can't play basketball
in my boxers anymore.

237
00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:30,744
I had to go back to wearing briefs.

238
00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:34,373
Because my body is going through changes.

239
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:39,086
And I found out
that my balls are trying to leave.

240
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,213
[crowd cheers, applauds]

241
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:45,009
I've been too kind over the years.
I gave them too much freedom.

242
00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:47,094
Now they want independence.

243
00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:51,098
I can't have that.
I got to crush the rebellion.

244
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,517
Shorten the leash.

245
00:14:55,811 --> 00:14:58,856
I know this because one day on the court,
in the middle of a play…

246
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:01,942
my balls hit my inner thigh.

247
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,280
And there was a loud clap.

248
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:09,700
I got real shy.

249
00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:13,495
I was nervous, because I knew
what was gonna happen next.

250
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,539
Somebody called foul.

251
00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:21,003
I had to explain,
"No, man, I'm the victim."

252
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:24,006
"And the perpetrator."

253
00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:26,884
That's a "loose balls" foul.

254
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:32,431
[crowd laughs, applauds]

255
00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:33,390
So…

256
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:37,144
So I had to buy briefs, right?

257
00:15:37,227 --> 00:15:40,856
I have not bought briefs…
since middle school.

258
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,943
It's been a long time. I was curious.
What's changed? What's new?

259
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:47,237
I did some research,
I found some new briefs.

260
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:49,114
No fly hole.

261
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,785
I was intrigued. I don't use the fly hole.

262
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:54,203
Usually, when I got to pee,

263
00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:56,497
it's too urgent for me
to thread the needle.

264
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,167
I got to go straight to the urinal.

265
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,878
I don't have time
to find a secret trapdoor.

266
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,596
So I got them. I was excited.
I bought these new no-fly hole briefs.

267
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,391
But then when I opened up the packaging,
I realized, man,

268
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,226
I'm pretty sure I bought some panties.

269
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,062
[laughs]

270
00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:23,607
What's the difference?
These are soft, black panties.

271
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:26,777
That's not what I wanted.

272
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:30,280
Yes, they fit. They are my size.

273
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:33,200
They just too damn sexy.

274
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,120
I don't know me like that.

275
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:41,792
You know, the way they cut so low
over here, so high over there.

276
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,336
How they wrap around my hip
and my inner thigh pit.

277
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,672
I've never been held like this before.

278
00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:49,091
It's empowering, dude.

279
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:51,927
When I put on those panties,
my posture got good real quick,

280
00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:56,140
And then involuntarily,
I started to undulate.

281
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,766
I just started to, like…

282
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:01,812
That's not my choice, that's the spirit
of the panty running through me.

283
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,356
I'm just a vessel, dude.

284
00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:09,611
[crowd cheers]

285
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,827
I think we should give ourselves
the best chance to be happy, man.

286
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:20,330
And I feel like society as a whole,
we would all be better off

287
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:26,253
if we were down to accept skipping
as an equal alternative to jogging.

288
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,257
It'd be a better world, right?

289
00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:35,012
It's a shame we deny ourselves
such a quick and easy way to be joyful.

290
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:39,141
How many miles you got to run
to get a runner's high?

291
00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:42,352
Nobody knows. It's too damn many.

292
00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:45,773
You start skipping right now,
you feel good right now.

293
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:50,277
Imagine skipping
with three of your best homies.

294
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,866
You shoulder to shoulder,
you in formation.

295
00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:58,452
You a gang of Glee.

296
00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:01,872
You looking good. You moving fast.

297
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:03,916
It's efficient, man. It's efficient.

298
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:07,586
I had a drink at the bar before the show.
It's about a ten-minute walk.

299
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:08,754
Eight-minute skip.

300
00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:11,090
[crowd laughs, applauds]

301
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:12,716
I got here early.

302
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,306
I'm a little bit late
to the self-care game.

303
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,101
I just started using

304
00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:24,770
enough body lotion.

305
00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:29,066
You know what I mean?
Really moisturize the whole body.

306
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,318
It's a lot of lotion.

307
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:35,823
I always cheated myself.
I didn't think I deserved that much.

308
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:38,492
I gave myself a modest amount.

309
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:42,121
Start lotioning from the top down,
so my legs paid the price.

310
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,666
Then I joined Costco.

311
00:18:47,751 --> 00:18:50,045
Changed my life.
Costco lotion is a great value.

312
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,047
Comes in a big old container.

313
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,758
Usually has a convenient pump
on top, right?

314
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:59,096
The only issue is about two-thirds
into the bottle, the technology collapses.

315
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:00,973
[crowd laughs, applauds]

316
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:04,977
Oh no! A lot of lotion left,
but you can't access it via the pump.

317
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,270
The pump is dead.

318
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:11,191
At that point, you got to unscrew the top
and use the pump like a dipstick.

319
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:15,946
I don't like that.

320
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:21,160
Going from pumping to dipping,
that's a humbling transition.

321
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:25,455
Because when I'm pumping,
I feel carefree, I feel rich. I'm like…

322
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:28,500
Boom, boom, boom, boom!

323
00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:30,711
Keep the change.

324
00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:32,796
[crowd laughs]

325
00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,341
When I'm dipping, it's like, "Oh."

326
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:43,098
I'm an intelligent animal.

327
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,353
I can use tools.

328
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,904
You know, you got to twist and pull
at the same time.

329
00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:58,864
It's like buttering toast
with a chopstick.

330
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:07,789
I got body lotion.

331
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:11,835
Got face lotion. I stepped up my game.
I got eye cream.

332
00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:13,712
[crowd cheers]

333
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:15,923
That's next level, you know?

334
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:20,052
Eye cream is serious,
because eye cream costs more.

335
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,848
More than any other lotion
you ever bought in your whole life.

336
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:27,184
But it comes in the tiniest container.

337
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:29,811
You have to justify
this precious purchase.

338
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,272
You only apply the eye cream
with your ring finger.

339
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:35,734
The softest finger, right?

340
00:20:35,817 --> 00:20:37,736
Because it's the laziest finger.

341
00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:41,490
Your ring finger, it don't pick,
it don't point, it don't cuss.

342
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:44,618
It's…

343
00:20:45,535 --> 00:20:46,411
It's only…

344
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,538
[crowd laughs, applauds]

345
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:51,750
Your ring finger is only good for making
one promise, and eye cream…

346
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:58,382
which you apply in a gentle dabbing motion
with your mouth slightly open, like…

347
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:01,093
[crowd laughs, applauds]

348
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:06,223
This better work.

349
00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:10,018
So expensive.

350
00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:18,110
I've been monitoring one wrinkle.

351
00:21:18,193 --> 00:21:20,862
I got one wrinkle coming in hot
over the last couple years.

352
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:24,241
Right here, dude. Right here.
I can't stop it. I'm desperate.

353
00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:27,786
I try to bribe the wrinkle, like,
"That's eye cream, but I'll hook you up."

354
00:21:32,916 --> 00:21:35,377
That's special for you. Don't tell nobody.

355
00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:42,968
Then, of course,
there's trace amounts of eye cream left.

356
00:21:43,051 --> 00:21:45,512
You don't want to waste the trace amounts.

357
00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:49,725
So like a benevolent king, I'm like,
"Okay, everybody, eat up, you peasants."

358
00:21:49,808 --> 00:21:52,602
[crowd laughs]

359
00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:04,156
I sleep on my back.

360
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:08,869
Sleep on my back. They say,
"Don't put your face against the pillows."

361
00:22:08,952 --> 00:22:10,662
"It makes your wrinkles worse."

362
00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:13,457
I sleep on my back,
but that's not my preferred position.

363
00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:17,085
On your back is so boring.
There's no snuggle.

364
00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:19,254
You just lay there like a vampire.

365
00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:23,884
Every now and then,
I'll still turn over, you know?

366
00:22:23,967 --> 00:22:26,136
Maybe I had a bad day.
Maybe it's my birthday.

367
00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:28,805
I want a treat.

368
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:32,768
That's my new vice now.
I don't smoke cigarettes,

369
00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:36,355
but every now and then
I sleep on my tum-tum like a bad boy.

370
00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:43,487
Another kind of grown-up experience
I had recently, I took my, um…

371
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:46,531
I took my girlfriend to get a mammogram.

372
00:22:47,657 --> 00:22:49,659
It's a regular screening
for breast cancer.

373
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:51,995
It was her first one.
I didn't know much about it.

374
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:56,958
When you get a mammogram,
what happens is they take your boob

375
00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:59,878
and they place it on a tortilla press,

376
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:04,216
And then they smash it multiple times.

377
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:07,636
It's brutal. I was surprised
this was the routine.

378
00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:11,348
I was like, "Are you a doctor
or are you making some titty paninis?"

379
00:23:11,431 --> 00:23:13,433
[crowd laughs]

380
00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:18,438
It's so painful.

381
00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:21,733
The first time they smashed
my girlfriend's boob, she farted.

382
00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:26,029
Everybody was surprised.

383
00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:30,409
She did what she had to do, you know?
She defended herself.

384
00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:33,328
Because she was attacked.

385
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:37,707
She wasn't going down pleasantly, right?

386
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:41,962
We all know about fight-or-flight,
but sometimes there's a third F option.

387
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:46,591
They don't teach you that in school,
you learned that in the streets.

388
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:53,098
When I heard

389
00:23:53,849 --> 00:23:54,808
the fart…

390
00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:58,770
immediately, I felt a lot of empathy.

391
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:03,442
A lot of compassion for my girl,
because I knew how much it hurt her.

392
00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:06,570
I know her threshold for pain
is similar to mine,

393
00:24:06,653 --> 00:24:11,074
but I also know her fear
of farting in public is way higher.

394
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:14,619
That's how much it hurt.

395
00:24:15,829 --> 00:24:16,913
That's too much, man.

396
00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:19,749
We at the doctor's office
trying to help somebody be healthy.

397
00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:21,668
It should not be that violent.

398
00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:24,838
That's not the way it is for guys.

399
00:24:24,921 --> 00:24:28,049
When they screen men, what do they do?
They touch your balls.

400
00:24:29,134 --> 00:24:31,011
They put a finger in your butt.

401
00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:35,140
That's pretty chill.

402
00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:37,684
[crowd laughs, applauds]

403
00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:40,061
Yeah, that's relatively tender, man.

404
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:41,396
I don't mind.

405
00:24:42,647 --> 00:24:44,107
That's for my health.

406
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:52,407
If I'm not mistaken,
I believe most guys in here,

407
00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:54,826
we already screen ourselves for fun.

408
00:24:56,828 --> 00:24:58,788
For funsies, for knowledge.

409
00:25:00,165 --> 00:25:01,541
Know thyself.

410
00:25:04,794 --> 00:25:07,756
My point is, it should be equally easy

411
00:25:08,381 --> 00:25:10,717
for everybody to get the care
that they need.

412
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,512
It would not be the standard
if it was the other way around.

413
00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:16,223
Guys would not be okay
with such a procedure.

414
00:25:16,890 --> 00:25:19,100
Right? If they told me,
"We're gonna screen for cancer

415
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:21,937
but we're gonna have to smash your balls
a few times."

416
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:24,856
I'd be like, "Doc…"

417
00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:27,359
"I probably don't got it."

418
00:25:27,442 --> 00:25:29,236
[crowd laughs]

419
00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:30,362
[laughs]

420
00:25:30,445 --> 00:25:32,572
"I feel good, Doc. I feel loose."

421
00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:37,410
"I feel all right. We're good, man.
I'll see you next time."

422
00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:44,668
It's amazing, you know?

423
00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:47,712
The medicine that we have these days,
it's amazing.

424
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:51,508
But how many more times
are we gonna have to read an article

425
00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:54,094
about how they found a new cure for cancer

426
00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:56,638
that only works on rats?

427
00:25:57,931 --> 00:25:59,641
Can we stop printing this article?

428
00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:03,311
Can we agree that does not belong
in the human newspaper?

429
00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:05,146
No, man.

430
00:26:05,772 --> 00:26:07,107
That's rat news.

431
00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:12,195
That's classic rat news.

432
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:16,491
That's wonderful for the rat community.
Let them know.

433
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,203
Let them know,
but keep us out of that conversation.

434
00:26:22,956 --> 00:26:26,418
I found out up to 99.6%
of all that research,

435
00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:28,461
it don't even transfer to humans.

436
00:26:29,045 --> 00:26:34,009
So we invest countless dollars,
hours developing all this medical know-how

437
00:26:34,092 --> 00:26:35,802
for the enemy.

438
00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:40,724
We're sitting on a lot of rat knowledge
right now.

439
00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:43,602
We can't even cure the common cold,

440
00:26:43,685 --> 00:26:46,688
but if you're a diabetic mouse
with eczema and gout,

441
00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:50,108
you ain't got nothing to worry about.

442
00:26:51,067 --> 00:26:53,612
You're gonna live a good life.
We got you. You a rat.

443
00:26:55,196 --> 00:26:57,240
It's a good time to be a rat, man.

444
00:26:58,491 --> 00:26:59,826
It's hard to be human.

445
00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:02,412
It's hard to be human,
specially in this country.

446
00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:04,873
Our healthcare system is dystopian.

447
00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:08,418
You know what I mean?
If you get hurt in America,

448
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:11,713
you better make sure
you get hurt real bad.

449
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,674
Bad enough to meet your deductible.

450
00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:18,094
Ideally in January…

451
00:27:20,722 --> 00:27:22,474
so you're covered for the year.

452
00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:25,477
That's the game. That's how you win.

453
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,647
Don't get hurt in December.
That's for losers.

454
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:30,732
[crowd laughs]

455
00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:37,364
There's only been one year,
one magical year in my life,

456
00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:39,157
where I've met my deductible.

457
00:27:40,075 --> 00:27:43,161
I was pumped, like, "Hell yeah,
I'm playing with house money now."

458
00:27:44,829 --> 00:27:46,831
It's time to make moves, you know?

459
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:50,710
I saw a bunch of doctors.
I saw a specialist for some butt problems.

460
00:27:52,170 --> 00:27:55,924
By the time the appointment came around,
the issue had basically resolved itself.

461
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,094
I did some research.
I was pretty sure I was okay.

462
00:27:59,177 --> 00:28:02,514
I still went to the appointment.
The doctor confirmed my research.

463
00:28:02,597 --> 00:28:04,557
He said, "Yeah, you're good,
but if you want

464
00:28:04,641 --> 00:28:05,892
I could take a closer look."

465
00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:09,187
This was not necessary.

466
00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:12,190
I already got the peace of mind
that I came for.

467
00:28:12,273 --> 00:28:14,067
But then I thought about my deductible.

468
00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:17,529
I thought about all the times
my insurance company

469
00:28:17,612 --> 00:28:19,406
left me hanging with the bill.

470
00:28:20,198 --> 00:28:21,574
And I was like, "You know what?"

471
00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:23,868
"Go get the jelly."

472
00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:25,954
[crowd laughs, applauds]

473
00:28:28,748 --> 00:28:29,666
Let's do it.

474
00:28:30,333 --> 00:28:35,296
Let's go. If I pay for the entrance fee,
then I'm gonna ride all the rides.

475
00:28:37,006 --> 00:28:39,926
Even the crappy ones.
I'm staying till we close.

476
00:28:40,009 --> 00:28:42,846
[crowd laughs, whistles]

477
00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:43,847
We did it.

478
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:45,724
We did the thing.

479
00:28:46,808 --> 00:28:48,727
We learned nothing.

480
00:28:50,186 --> 00:28:51,604
It was not necessary.

481
00:28:53,064 --> 00:28:55,316
She went ahead and charged
the insurance company a big fee.

482
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:56,818
I know she got hers.

483
00:28:57,819 --> 00:29:00,655
I did not get the satisfaction
I was looking for,

484
00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:05,076
because the road to economic justice
probably shouldn't go up your butt.

485
00:29:07,162 --> 00:29:09,164
It will not feel like winning

486
00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:12,834
when you land on your side
getting fingered by the doctor like,

487
00:29:12,917 --> 00:29:14,627
"Yeah, that's right, Blue Cross."

488
00:29:16,504 --> 00:29:17,964
That's called payback.

489
00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:23,011
Tsc.

490
00:29:23,803 --> 00:29:26,556
I'm always trying to beat the system.

491
00:29:27,974 --> 00:29:29,642
Even if it don't make sense.

492
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:32,562
This is why I own a juicer

493
00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:34,689
that I don't use.

494
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:39,068
Because at some point in your adult life…

495
00:29:40,653 --> 00:29:42,530
you gonna realize that you need nutrition.

496
00:29:44,115 --> 00:29:46,618
But you might not be committed
to eating nutritious food.

497
00:29:47,660 --> 00:29:50,872
You want to find a cheat code, a hack.
You discover green juice.

498
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:53,750
You're like, if I drink juice
I can solve most of my problems.

499
00:29:53,833 --> 00:29:55,835
Then you buy juice at the store,
you're like,

500
00:29:55,919 --> 00:29:58,046
oh, juice is beyond my income level.

501
00:29:58,838 --> 00:30:00,632
Oh, I don't make juice money.

502
00:30:02,008 --> 00:30:04,761
That's a very stressful purchase, right?

503
00:30:04,844 --> 00:30:05,970
So you do the math.

504
00:30:06,054 --> 00:30:08,223
If I get my own juicer,
over the next 12 years,

505
00:30:08,306 --> 00:30:10,558
I can save me about a million dollars.

506
00:30:13,436 --> 00:30:14,646
That's a no-brainer,

507
00:30:14,729 --> 00:30:16,898
You tell your friends
about your brilliant plan,

508
00:30:16,981 --> 00:30:19,984
your friends offer you their juicers
they no longer use.

509
00:30:21,110 --> 00:30:23,905
You don't see the foreshadowing.
You reject the juicer.

510
00:30:23,988 --> 00:30:26,282
You say, "No, thank you.
That's not the right one."

511
00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:29,619
No wonder you stopped juicing.
I did the research.

512
00:30:29,702 --> 00:30:32,956
I'm getting the top-of-the-line mistake.

513
00:30:35,458 --> 00:30:39,212
So you drop like 400 bucks
on a cold press masticating juicer.

514
00:30:39,295 --> 00:30:42,006
You go to the farmer's market,
get the freshest ingredients.

515
00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:43,883
You know they're fresh,
'cause they're dirty.

516
00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:47,136
You like that quality, you know?

517
00:30:47,220 --> 00:30:49,347
There's no glossy fruit
at the farmer's market.

518
00:30:49,430 --> 00:30:50,723
It's a matte finish.

519
00:30:53,309 --> 00:30:57,021
You get your dusty harvest,
you go home, you scrub, you rinse,

520
00:30:57,522 --> 00:31:00,233
cut it up into little pieces,
juice it, clean the equipment,

521
00:31:00,316 --> 00:31:03,695
put that away, and an hour later
you're like, "That'll never happen again."

522
00:31:06,030 --> 00:31:08,449
No way, man. No way.

523
00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:11,286
It was fun. It was fun
to play Jamba Juice one time,

524
00:31:12,620 --> 00:31:14,038
but I'm retired now.

525
00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:16,124
I'm done.

526
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:19,460
You know it's over for the juicer,
because I put it on top of the fridge

527
00:31:20,628 --> 00:31:22,672
with all that weird greasy dust.

528
00:31:23,423 --> 00:31:25,592
You know that dust?
That's that forever dust.

529
00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:28,803
That's not going nowhere.
That's gonna be oil one day.

530
00:31:32,724 --> 00:31:34,517
It feels bad. It feels bad.

531
00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:37,228
That's 400 bucks sitting on my fridge.
It feels bad.

532
00:31:37,312 --> 00:31:39,814
But I look at it as therapy in one shot.

533
00:31:40,607 --> 00:31:42,108
Now I'm cured.

534
00:31:42,692 --> 00:31:46,112
Now I buy juice at the store.
No problem, no stress.

535
00:31:47,697 --> 00:31:50,533
I'm like, "$10 a bottle?
Yeah, that's a good price."

536
00:31:51,743 --> 00:31:54,037
I've been on the front lines.
I know what it takes.

537
00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:56,289
Thank you for your service.

538
00:31:57,707 --> 00:32:00,335
[crowd applauds, cheers]

539
00:32:02,629 --> 00:32:05,840
I spend too much time and energy
on small decisions.

540
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:10,053
You know? Like, I was at Popeyes
fried chicken, just having lunch.

541
00:32:10,136 --> 00:32:12,847
It's a treat for me,
so I'm trying to maximize.

542
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:15,141
I'm evaluating every combo
that they offer.

543
00:32:15,224 --> 00:32:18,353
I'm trying to find the highest ratio
of satisfaction to cost.

544
00:32:19,729 --> 00:32:21,064
During my analysis,

545
00:32:22,398 --> 00:32:24,233
this dude walks in, no hesitation.

546
00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:26,986
He orders one breast,
two biscuits and a soda.

547
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:29,364
This is not a combo at all.

548
00:32:31,157 --> 00:32:33,660
He saved no money on that order.

549
00:32:35,203 --> 00:32:36,120
I was in shock.

550
00:32:36,204 --> 00:32:39,248
I was like, "Dang, you up in Popeyes
ordering à la carte right now?"

551
00:32:41,668 --> 00:32:43,920
Man, I want to be that rich one day.

552
00:32:45,338 --> 00:32:49,217
That's my dream. One day I want to walk
into Popeyes and just start freestyling.

553
00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:52,929
Just off the top.
Don't even look at the menu.

554
00:32:53,012 --> 00:32:55,348
Just drop me a beat,
I'm gonna order from the heart.

555
00:33:02,146 --> 00:33:05,608
It's hard not to eat fast food
when you're touring.

556
00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:09,278
You know, like one night after the show,
I went back to my hotel.

557
00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:11,322
The only thing open was a Wendy's.

558
00:33:11,406 --> 00:33:14,158
It was across from the hotel,
but it was drive-thru only

559
00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:15,743
and I did not have a car.

560
00:33:16,661 --> 00:33:20,081
I had some money, I had some hope,
I had my legs.

561
00:33:21,165 --> 00:33:22,417
I skipped over there.

562
00:33:24,252 --> 00:33:25,795
I brought some good vibes.

563
00:33:25,878 --> 00:33:28,506
I knocked on the window.
I said, "Hey, we both showed up."

564
00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:29,966
"Let's do what we came to do."

565
00:33:31,634 --> 00:33:32,885
They were not excited.

566
00:33:32,969 --> 00:33:35,805
They said, "We can't serve you
on foot in the drive-thru."

567
00:33:35,888 --> 00:33:37,056
I said, "Why not?"

568
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,308
They said,
"It's for your health and safety."

569
00:33:40,143 --> 00:33:42,478
I said, "I'm trying
to eat Wendy's right now."

570
00:33:45,231 --> 00:33:46,941
"Why are you bringing up that stuff?"

571
00:33:50,361 --> 00:33:53,114
They would not budge.
That would not serve me.

572
00:33:53,197 --> 00:33:56,534
Finally, I had to call an Uber
to take me around the building.

573
00:33:57,368 --> 00:33:58,369
I was precise.

574
00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:01,622
I was like, "Pick me up at the menu,
drop me off at the window."

575
00:34:03,541 --> 00:34:05,001
[laughs] "Is this your ride?"

576
00:34:05,918 --> 00:34:08,504
"I'm sorry,
but I'm gonna get you some nuggies."

577
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:14,135
Recently, I was, uh, on tour.
I was in Canada.

578
00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:20,600
And in Canada, you can only buy alcohol
at certain government-run liquor stores.

579
00:34:20,683 --> 00:34:23,102
I didn't know this.
I was at the grocery store.

580
00:34:23,186 --> 00:34:27,440
I accidentally bought a six-pack
of non-alcoholic beer.

581
00:34:28,691 --> 00:34:32,070
I should have known something was off.
It was room temperature. A red flag.

582
00:34:33,946 --> 00:34:36,407
I went back to my condo.
I put five in the freezer.

583
00:34:36,491 --> 00:34:39,118
I put one in a bowl full of ice.
Got it real cold.

584
00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:42,538
Cracked it open, took a few sips.
I was like, "Oh, that's not refreshing."

585
00:34:44,373 --> 00:34:46,667
I looked at the can.
"That's not even alcohol."

586
00:34:48,419 --> 00:34:50,880
"This is basically bubbly barley juice."

587
00:34:52,757 --> 00:34:55,468
I was resigned. I was like,
"I guess I'm gonna have a sober night."

588
00:34:56,135 --> 00:34:57,678
"I guess it's bedtime soon."

589
00:34:58,387 --> 00:35:00,765
Next thing I knew, I finished the can.

590
00:35:01,933 --> 00:35:03,392
I drank the other five.

591
00:35:04,769 --> 00:35:06,437
I killed the whole six-pack.

592
00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:10,233
At which point, I realized,
"Man, I'm really out of control."

593
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:14,237
"I'm also suffering
from non-alcoholism as well."

594
00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:18,866
That's bad, man. That's bad.
I'm not gonna make it.

595
00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:22,286
I'm gonna be the first guy
to lose his life to basic fluids.

596
00:35:27,458 --> 00:35:31,003
I have an addictive personality, you know?
I like to push it. I do.

597
00:35:31,629 --> 00:35:34,966
My tolerance for weed and alcohol
right now is way too high.

598
00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:36,467
I'm trying to bring it down.

599
00:35:36,551 --> 00:35:41,305
My friend recently told me
about a drug called DMT.

600
00:35:41,389 --> 00:35:43,724
It's a very powerful hallucinogenic

601
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:47,186
that's supposed to give you
a sense of what death will be like.

602
00:35:48,437 --> 00:35:51,440
And I'm open-minded enough
to maybe try it once or twice.

603
00:35:51,524 --> 00:35:56,070
But I'm wary that I would never want
to develop a tolerance to DMT.

604
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:58,906
Because what if one day
I just died naturally?

605
00:35:59,907 --> 00:36:02,702
Forty-five minutes later,
I'm like, "Bro, I'm not feeling it."

606
00:36:05,163 --> 00:36:07,582
"What's going on, man?
We gonna get dead or not?"

607
00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:09,458
"I can't just lay here all day."

608
00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:12,295
"This is weak stuff, man."

609
00:36:12,378 --> 00:36:14,922
Can you imagine being dead
and unimpressed?

610
00:36:19,635 --> 00:36:22,513
I'm grateful. I'm very grateful
for this journey, and stand-up.

611
00:36:23,306 --> 00:36:26,142
I spent a good amount of time,
uh, in New York City.

612
00:36:27,018 --> 00:36:29,604
Great place to elevate your skills
as a comedian,

613
00:36:29,687 --> 00:36:32,064
but a tougher place to exist for sure.

614
00:36:32,148 --> 00:36:33,649
When I first moved to New York,

615
00:36:33,733 --> 00:36:37,361
I didn't know how every time
you renew your lease in New York City,

616
00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:39,655
the rent has to go up, every time.

617
00:36:40,489 --> 00:36:41,991
I didn't know that. I've lived around.

618
00:36:42,074 --> 00:36:45,411
In most other cities,
the landlords give you a few years

619
00:36:45,494 --> 00:36:47,872
to step up your life.

620
00:36:50,374 --> 00:36:51,542
That's reasonable.

621
00:36:52,084 --> 00:36:55,546
New York City landlords like,
"You got one year to get 10% better."

622
00:36:57,590 --> 00:36:58,841
"You'd better hurry."

623
00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:02,511
Ten percent, man. That's a lot.

624
00:37:03,262 --> 00:37:04,096
Every year.

625
00:37:04,180 --> 00:37:07,099
That's a big return every year.
That's a lot of pressure.

626
00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:09,477
My parents never gave me
that kind of pressure.

627
00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:14,023
I felt like I was in New York City
trying to make my landlord proud.

628
00:37:15,608 --> 00:37:19,070
It was weird. I felt like my dream was
to buy my landlord a house.

629
00:37:20,738 --> 00:37:23,241
I want that for him, you know?
Because he pushed me.

630
00:37:23,324 --> 00:37:26,827
He believed in me.
He chose me for unit 16.

631
00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:36,254
It's an up-and-down business.
It's a very up-and-down business.

632
00:37:36,337 --> 00:37:39,215
I remember one time, I was so excited.

633
00:37:39,298 --> 00:37:42,093
I got an offer for a show in Boston.

634
00:37:43,844 --> 00:37:44,762
I was pumped.

635
00:37:45,638 --> 00:37:48,557
They were gonna pay me
and cover my transportation.

636
00:37:48,641 --> 00:37:51,394
I got the confirmation for the train
from New York to Boston.

637
00:37:51,477 --> 00:37:53,729
Turns out, that ticket cost more

638
00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:55,815
than my performance fee.

639
00:37:57,024 --> 00:37:58,276
I got bummed out.

640
00:37:58,776 --> 00:38:01,487
Started having some dark thoughts.
I was like, "Dang."

641
00:38:02,613 --> 00:38:04,365
"Maybe I should just be a train."

642
00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:06,450
[crowd laughs]

643
00:38:08,661 --> 00:38:11,289
"Maybe that's what I got to do
to make it."

644
00:38:15,584 --> 00:38:17,795
"I know my nephew will be pumped
to see me."

645
00:38:19,422 --> 00:38:22,216
"Hell, yeah,
I'll be uncle of the year forever."

646
00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:26,345
I mean, partly why I do this
is to inspire people like my nephew

647
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:27,847
to follow their dreams.

648
00:38:27,930 --> 00:38:30,391
And an Asian American comedian,
that's pretty exciting.

649
00:38:30,474 --> 00:38:33,519
But to be the first Asian American
choo-choo train?

650
00:38:33,602 --> 00:38:35,604
[crowd laughs]

651
00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:37,148
That's trailblazing.

652
00:38:41,652 --> 00:38:45,364
I love this life. I do. I appreciate it.
But, you know, sometimes I miss…

653
00:38:46,907 --> 00:38:48,367
the stability of my old job.

654
00:38:48,451 --> 00:38:50,328
I used to work in an office, you know?

655
00:38:50,411 --> 00:38:53,122
The best part about any office job
is the fact that

656
00:38:53,789 --> 00:38:54,832
you can print.

657
00:38:57,251 --> 00:38:59,462
You print whatever you got to print, man.

658
00:39:00,546 --> 00:39:03,632
That's why I went to work,
so I could get paid.

659
00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:07,386
I get health care and I print stuff
for me and my loved ones.

660
00:39:09,388 --> 00:39:12,266
I know you got a printer at home.
We all got a printer at home.

661
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:14,477
That's for emergency use only.

662
00:39:16,437 --> 00:39:19,523
The printer at home right now,
that printer is currently unplugged.

663
00:39:20,524 --> 00:39:21,609
It's dusty.

664
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:23,527
It only has cyan.

665
00:39:25,780 --> 00:39:28,366
All your documents come out blue.
"Oh, you an architect?"

666
00:39:33,454 --> 00:39:36,248
At home I'm mean to myself, man. I'm mean.

667
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:39,210
I'm always talking myself out
of printing stuff. I'm like, "No, no, no."

668
00:39:40,419 --> 00:39:41,962
"You gonna memorize that."

669
00:39:46,634 --> 00:39:49,345
If I have to print at home I'm like,
we'll select the pages.

670
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,806
There's no "print all."
"Print all" is for work.

671
00:39:52,473 --> 00:39:54,683
At home, we select pages.

672
00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:56,519
Double-sided.

673
00:39:57,645 --> 00:39:58,521
Gray scale.

674
00:39:59,146 --> 00:40:02,566
Lightest setting possible.
When it comes out, it better be invisible.

675
00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:11,951
That's why it's fun when you go to work.
At work you print fast, loose.

676
00:40:12,952 --> 00:40:15,788
You show up trigger-happy,
you ready to control-P all day.

677
00:40:17,373 --> 00:40:19,959
You might not make the money
to live the life you dream,

678
00:40:20,042 --> 00:40:22,420
but you can certainly print like you do.

679
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:25,714
At work, it's all about being wasteful

680
00:40:26,757 --> 00:40:28,008
with no remorse.

681
00:40:28,759 --> 00:40:31,053
You don't feel a thing.
You don't feel a thing.

682
00:40:32,221 --> 00:40:35,891
Have you ever thrown away documents…
that you just printed?

683
00:40:37,852 --> 00:40:40,729
You just clicked "print all,"
it just came out.

684
00:40:40,813 --> 00:40:42,481
It's a fresh little stack.

685
00:40:43,732 --> 00:40:45,234
Have you ever thrown away

686
00:40:46,026 --> 00:40:47,194
warm paper?

687
00:40:47,278 --> 00:40:50,239
[crowd laughs]

688
00:40:50,322 --> 00:40:51,490
It feels wrong.

689
00:40:52,533 --> 00:40:56,203
Maybe you should wait for it to cool down
before you throw it in the garbage.

690
00:40:56,787 --> 00:40:59,165
It just got here.
Let it live a little bit.

691
00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:02,585
But you don't hesitate,

692
00:41:02,668 --> 00:41:04,920
because that office life
made you a gangster.

693
00:41:10,843 --> 00:41:11,927
It's weird, right?

694
00:41:12,011 --> 00:41:15,806
It's weird. They try to control you
in so many ways at work.

695
00:41:17,141 --> 00:41:19,101
But they let you print free rein.

696
00:41:19,768 --> 00:41:21,103
Ain't that suspicious?

697
00:41:21,645 --> 00:41:22,730
Because they know

698
00:41:23,272 --> 00:41:25,149
they got to leave us something to turn to

699
00:41:25,232 --> 00:41:27,443
when we feel like we have no control.

700
00:41:28,694 --> 00:41:30,237
They can't take away printing.

701
00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:32,781
Printing is the only thing
stopping the revolution.

702
00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:38,037
When they say stuff like,
"Come in Friday after Thanksgiving,"

703
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:39,622
that's when I'm like, "Oh, okay."

704
00:41:40,748 --> 00:41:44,126
"Okay, I guess it's time for me
to self-publish my Gmail account."

705
00:41:47,004 --> 00:41:50,132
"I guess it's time for me
to back it all up on paper."

706
00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:54,470
"People use the cloud,
I'm gonna use trees."

707
00:41:57,848 --> 00:41:59,475
Full disclosure, everybody.

708
00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:02,686
I got a reversible belt.

709
00:42:04,980 --> 00:42:07,149
It's supposed to be a secret.
I got one belt.

710
00:42:07,233 --> 00:42:08,692
My coworker thought I had two.

711
00:42:11,487 --> 00:42:13,447
If you don't know
what a reversible belt is,

712
00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:16,784
it's one belt, but it's black on one side,
it's brown on the other side,

713
00:42:16,867 --> 00:42:18,452
has a buckle that swivels.

714
00:42:18,953 --> 00:42:21,956
So you can wear your choice
of your brown dress shoes

715
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:23,582
or your black dress shoes.

716
00:42:23,666 --> 00:42:26,919
Adjust the buckle accordingly.
You match, people notice.

717
00:42:27,002 --> 00:42:29,004
And that's how you get ahead in life.

718
00:42:32,258 --> 00:42:35,553
The reversible belt's
for a very specific period in your life

719
00:42:35,636 --> 00:42:38,222
when you're fancy enough
to own two pairs of dress shoes,

720
00:42:38,305 --> 00:42:40,182
but you're not quite ready for two belts.

721
00:42:43,227 --> 00:42:45,813
It's a transitional period.
You will get there one day.

722
00:42:45,896 --> 00:42:48,023
One day, you're gonna make
that two-belt money.

723
00:42:48,857 --> 00:42:50,401
But for now, you're gonna swivel.

724
00:42:55,406 --> 00:42:56,615
Tsc. I'm…

725
00:42:57,533 --> 00:42:58,617
I'm a godfather.

726
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:02,037
My friend made me the godfather
of her daughters.

727
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:05,624
Made my girlfriend the godmother.
Now we got to stay together for the kids.

728
00:43:05,708 --> 00:43:10,045
[crowd laughs, applauds]

729
00:43:11,755 --> 00:43:15,426
When your friends start having children,
when your friends start having kids,

730
00:43:15,509 --> 00:43:16,885
you'd better be ready.

731
00:43:17,928 --> 00:43:21,890
You'd better be ready
to read out loud again.

732
00:43:25,769 --> 00:43:28,397
Do not assume that you can just do it.

733
00:43:32,651 --> 00:43:35,654
I'm sure you can read.
That's not the issue.

734
00:43:35,738 --> 00:43:37,323
The issue is,

735
00:43:37,406 --> 00:43:38,574
can you act?

736
00:43:40,743 --> 00:43:43,662
Can you improvise voices
for different characters?

737
00:43:44,580 --> 00:43:47,875
Can you sing? Can you dance?
Can you maintain confidence in yourself

738
00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:50,169
as you put on a whole production
for an audience

739
00:43:50,252 --> 00:43:51,837
that gives you no feedback?

740
00:43:57,259 --> 00:44:00,012
I went to my friend's house.
I thought we were gonna have dinner.

741
00:44:00,095 --> 00:44:01,847
At one point, they put the baby down.

742
00:44:01,930 --> 00:44:04,099
They said, "You want to read to the baby?"

743
00:44:04,183 --> 00:44:05,392
I said, uh…

744
00:44:05,476 --> 00:44:07,353
"Are y'all gonna be listening too?"

745
00:44:09,688 --> 00:44:11,273
Who is this exercise for?

746
00:44:15,986 --> 00:44:18,322
They gave me a book called Dimity Duck.

747
00:44:18,947 --> 00:44:21,659
I've never read this book.
I jumped in confidently.

748
00:44:21,742 --> 00:44:23,035
I was like, "Dimity Duck."

749
00:44:23,744 --> 00:44:26,789
"Dimity Duck waddles,
she toddles and she sings."

750
00:44:26,872 --> 00:44:30,334
"Wiggle waggle goes her tail,
and whoosh goes her wings."

751
00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:35,839
And the whole time I'm reading this book,
I'm trying so hard to not sound like E-40.

752
00:44:38,550 --> 00:44:39,927
But I really wanted to.

753
00:44:40,678 --> 00:44:42,596
Because I was like,
"These rhymes are fire!"

754
00:44:44,098 --> 00:44:46,308
"I want to honor the lyrics."

755
00:44:47,309 --> 00:44:49,019
"She toddles and she sings."

756
00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:51,689
"Wiggle waggle goes her tail,
and whoosh goes her wings."

757
00:44:52,773 --> 00:44:54,274
Uh…

758
00:44:55,150 --> 00:44:59,405
[crowd cheers, applauds]

759
00:45:05,494 --> 00:45:07,246
I think it's very precious, you know?

760
00:45:07,329 --> 00:45:09,498
The time you spend
with these kids is precious,

761
00:45:09,581 --> 00:45:12,209
because they will reveal to you truths

762
00:45:12,292 --> 00:45:15,504
about yourself that nobody in your life
dare tell you.

763
00:45:18,006 --> 00:45:20,008
One day, my goddaughter said to me,
she said,

764
00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:21,969
"Uncle Sheng,

765
00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:24,888
your teeth are yellow
and your elbows are gray."

766
00:45:31,645 --> 00:45:33,313
I was like, "Good morning."

767
00:45:38,527 --> 00:45:40,821
I was like,
"We learned enough colors this month."

768
00:45:40,904 --> 00:45:43,240
"I think you good. You good on colors."

769
00:45:43,741 --> 00:45:48,287
"I think it's time for us to move on
to how to deliver news with sensitivity."

770
00:45:54,168 --> 00:45:55,544
One time my nephew said to me,

771
00:45:55,627 --> 00:45:58,338
"Uncle Sheng,
your breath smells like birds."

772
00:46:01,425 --> 00:46:04,011
That's locked into my brain.
It will not leave.

773
00:46:05,721 --> 00:46:08,849
The kid can vote now. It's been 15 years.

774
00:46:10,225 --> 00:46:12,770
It hurt more that it made no sense.

775
00:46:14,855 --> 00:46:16,482
It's poetically abstract.

776
00:46:17,816 --> 00:46:22,279
I felt like my breath was so bad,
I pushed this child to discover metaphors.

777
00:46:29,703 --> 00:46:33,582
It's hard when kids are mean.
It's very hard to accept.

778
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:36,919
You know? Because they're so young.

779
00:46:37,002 --> 00:46:38,086
They're so innocent.

780
00:46:38,170 --> 00:46:41,507
They're not indoctrinated by religion,
racism or politics.

781
00:46:41,590 --> 00:46:44,468
Like, it's a very pure hate.

782
00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:47,888
It's clean. You deserve it.

783
00:46:47,971 --> 00:46:50,057
Because they came from God to you.

784
00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:57,022
One time, I was at a wedding party.

785
00:46:58,148 --> 00:46:59,525
Having a good time.

786
00:46:59,608 --> 00:47:02,069
My friend introduced me to her niece,
this little girl.

787
00:47:02,152 --> 00:47:03,737
An aspiring comedian.

788
00:47:04,404 --> 00:47:09,076
They said, "Hey, can you perform for her?"
I said, "No, man. We at a wedding party."

789
00:47:09,535 --> 00:47:12,454
"This is not the appropriate context
or audience."

790
00:47:12,538 --> 00:47:13,914
"I'm not gonna do it."

791
00:47:14,414 --> 00:47:17,751
This little girl said,
"You not funny, and you a fraud."

792
00:47:22,589 --> 00:47:23,590
It got to me.

793
00:47:25,133 --> 00:47:28,470
It cut deep. It affected my night.
I could not shake it.

794
00:47:29,763 --> 00:47:32,891
Have you ever had a kid be so mean to you,

795
00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:34,434
you start to go crazy?

796
00:47:35,978 --> 00:47:38,772
You start to think of ways
to legally retaliate.

797
00:47:41,775 --> 00:47:45,654
I was thinking long game. I was like,
"Girl, I'm gonna get you eventually."

798
00:47:47,030 --> 00:47:49,700
"Yeah. Maybe I'm gonna stop recycling."

799
00:47:56,832 --> 00:48:00,085
"Maybe I'm gonna lean
into climate change."

800
00:48:01,378 --> 00:48:03,005
"I hope you like it hot!"

801
00:48:10,929 --> 00:48:12,973
I'm not good with negative energy.

802
00:48:13,056 --> 00:48:15,893
That's not where I want to be, man.

803
00:48:16,977 --> 00:48:21,064
The last time I lost my temper,
the last time I really, really lost it,

804
00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:23,233
in a fit of rage,

805
00:48:24,443 --> 00:48:27,404
I threw some earplugs across a hotel room.

806
00:48:29,948 --> 00:48:31,408
If you know anything

807
00:48:32,326 --> 00:48:33,452
about anger

808
00:48:34,202 --> 00:48:35,203
or physics,

809
00:48:37,039 --> 00:48:37,998
you know

810
00:48:38,498 --> 00:48:40,083
there's no satisfaction

811
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:42,586
in throwing foam.

812
00:48:45,505 --> 00:48:46,757
You release no tension.

813
00:48:46,840 --> 00:48:50,427
You just confirm that you are angry
and you are so stupid right now.

814
00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:55,891
It was a family vacation.

815
00:48:56,475 --> 00:48:59,478
I was sharing a hotel room with my dad.
I knew he snored.

816
00:49:00,562 --> 00:49:02,356
I brought my earplugs. I was prepared.

817
00:49:02,439 --> 00:49:04,816
But one night I woke up,
one earplug with missing.

818
00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:08,278
I looked all around. I couldn't find it.

819
00:49:08,362 --> 00:49:10,530
I was like, one alone is useless.

820
00:49:10,614 --> 00:49:13,909
And out of frustration,
I chucked it into the darkness.

821
00:49:15,327 --> 00:49:19,122
I crawled back into bed,
I found the other earplug in the sheets.

822
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:27,881
I was like, that's not helpful now.
I threw that somewhere.

823
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:33,971
I laid down. I did not sleep.

824
00:49:35,222 --> 00:49:38,600
And after a long, long while,
finally I woke up my dad.

825
00:49:38,684 --> 00:49:41,103
And in that moment
is this very challenging situation,

826
00:49:41,186 --> 00:49:45,273
because you have to explain to somebody
who was just completely unconscious

827
00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:49,820
that, actually, they've been an asshole
for three hours.

828
00:49:52,030 --> 00:49:54,408
They don't get it.
They think they are innocent.

829
00:49:54,491 --> 00:49:57,202
They believe with their whole heart
that they are innocent.

830
00:49:57,786 --> 00:50:02,249
In fact, they try to gaslight you.
They look at you like you're the monster.

831
00:50:04,543 --> 00:50:06,336
My dad was like, "What's your problem?"

832
00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:09,381
I was like,
"It's weird that you don't know."

833
00:50:12,092 --> 00:50:15,095
"But it's okay, because I recorded you.
I got a three-hour--"

834
00:50:15,887 --> 00:50:20,058
"I got a three-hour mini docuseries of you

835
00:50:20,142 --> 00:50:21,768
dying out loud."

836
00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:27,315
"And in the very last second,
you choose life again."

837
00:50:27,399 --> 00:50:28,817
"You came back to us."

838
00:50:29,735 --> 00:50:31,194
"You did that over and over."

839
00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:34,406
"You choked yourself,
then you saved yourself again and again."

840
00:50:37,409 --> 00:50:38,702
It's pure terror.

841
00:50:39,953 --> 00:50:41,705
I'm an innocent bystander.

842
00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:45,167
The first hour, I'm scared. I'm concerned.

843
00:50:46,251 --> 00:50:49,671
Every now and then,
the snoring stops. There's relief.

844
00:50:50,672 --> 00:50:53,383
And then there's also,
"But is he dead, though?"

845
00:50:56,762 --> 00:51:01,391
The second hour I'm like, life or death.
Please pick one, let us move forward.

846
00:51:03,351 --> 00:51:05,520
The third hour, I spent researching.

847
00:51:07,147 --> 00:51:08,440
"Deviated septums."

848
00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:11,359
"CPAP machines."

849
00:51:12,819 --> 00:51:15,655
And I just contemplated.
I just thought about it, you know?

850
00:51:15,739 --> 00:51:17,699
"How did snoring

851
00:51:17,783 --> 00:51:19,659
survive evolution?"

852
00:51:21,453 --> 00:51:22,579
That don't make sense.

853
00:51:23,163 --> 00:51:25,957
Biologically, I'm not sure
you're supposed to be here anymore.

854
00:51:26,041 --> 00:51:28,001
I don't think you belong in the gene pool.

855
00:51:29,044 --> 00:51:32,214
That's not a trait fit for survival.

856
00:51:33,423 --> 00:51:35,050
You unconscious!

857
00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:37,677
And you loud.

858
00:51:40,597 --> 00:51:42,349
You the perfect prey.

859
00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:50,023
You should have been eaten in your sleep
a long time ago by a saber-toothed tiger.

860
00:51:51,983 --> 00:51:54,778
You out here giving away
everybody's location.

861
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:05,455
Have you ever tried
to copy somebody's snoring?

862
00:52:06,748 --> 00:52:07,999
With an agenda, right?

863
00:52:08,083 --> 00:52:10,585
Because the next morning,
even at full volume,

864
00:52:10,669 --> 00:52:13,421
your recording didn't quite capture
what you thought had happened.

865
00:52:15,423 --> 00:52:18,552
You say, "Never mind the recording.
I'm gonna do it live."

866
00:52:19,636 --> 00:52:22,097
"I'm gonna show you what you did to me."

867
00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:27,102
You try to snore at them
as hard as you can.

868
00:52:27,185 --> 00:52:30,147
But after two seconds,
it starts to hurt real bad.

869
00:52:31,356 --> 00:52:32,691
You can't sustain it.

870
00:52:33,316 --> 00:52:36,153
That's when you realize,
it's kind of an evil superpower.

871
00:52:37,154 --> 00:52:40,949
It's kind of a dark miracle
that somebody can snore all night,

872
00:52:41,950 --> 00:52:43,368
wake up rested.

873
00:52:45,787 --> 00:52:48,123
And they just walk away unscathed.

874
00:52:50,292 --> 00:52:53,128
It feels like
there should be blood everywhere.

875
00:52:59,968 --> 00:53:02,429
Despite the snoring drama, you know,

876
00:53:03,221 --> 00:53:06,099
generally I am connecting
with my parents more.

877
00:53:06,808 --> 00:53:08,894
And one thing we bond over, surprisingly,

878
00:53:09,519 --> 00:53:10,478
is fruit.

879
00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:14,858
Grown Asian people love fruit, dude.

880
00:53:16,234 --> 00:53:17,485
You better know this.

881
00:53:18,236 --> 00:53:22,199
If you try and date an older Asian person,
you better know what's in season now.

882
00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:26,286
You better know
what's sweet and juicy right now.

883
00:53:28,205 --> 00:53:31,166
Every Asian American
has a childhood memory of their parents

884
00:53:31,249 --> 00:53:34,794
sending them on a mission to go
steal fruit from the neighbor's yard.

885
00:53:37,088 --> 00:53:40,342
I cherish that memory.
I knew it was shady, but it was fun.

886
00:53:41,343 --> 00:53:43,470
You know? And also, I understand.

887
00:53:43,553 --> 00:53:46,640
You know, my parents are immigrants
from Taiwan.

888
00:53:46,723 --> 00:53:50,310
They grew up poor.
As kids, they had very little.

889
00:53:50,852 --> 00:53:54,147
As a kid, my mom had no interest
in her own birthday,

890
00:53:54,231 --> 00:53:57,651
because the only thing they gave her
was one chicken egg.

891
00:53:58,944 --> 00:54:00,654
My childhood was very different.

892
00:54:00,737 --> 00:54:05,533
My birthdays would include cake, gifts.
My best friend would sleep over.

893
00:54:05,617 --> 00:54:08,119
At night, we'd go out
and throw eggs at people's houses.

894
00:54:09,955 --> 00:54:13,375
It's pretty crazy to think about
how far we've come in one generation.

895
00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:17,379
That's a pretty big leap forward
from a one-egg birthday party,

896
00:54:17,462 --> 00:54:19,714
to the life of privilege
that I've gotten to live.

897
00:54:21,007 --> 00:54:22,384
It's incredible, you know?

898
00:54:22,467 --> 00:54:25,262
I'm absolutely grateful
that my parents immigrated,

899
00:54:25,345 --> 00:54:27,013
but as grateful as I am,

900
00:54:27,597 --> 00:54:30,475
I don't know
if I would ever do that for my kids.

901
00:54:33,603 --> 00:54:36,106
That's a lot of inconvenience.

902
00:54:37,023 --> 00:54:39,943
That's a lot of suffering
and sacrifice, right?

903
00:54:40,026 --> 00:54:41,111
Can you imagine…

904
00:54:42,445 --> 00:54:44,072
leaving home?

905
00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:47,200
You really think about
what that means to leave

906
00:54:48,076 --> 00:54:49,369
your home.

907
00:54:51,246 --> 00:54:54,040
You leave your family,
your friends, your community.

908
00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:56,376
You leave everything
that you are familiar with.

909
00:54:56,459 --> 00:54:59,879
You move to a completely foreign country
where you don't speak the language,

910
00:54:59,963 --> 00:55:02,757
just so your offspring
have more opportunities.

911
00:55:04,426 --> 00:55:07,012
And then your kid goes into
stand-up comedy.

912
00:55:11,224 --> 00:55:12,600
That's devastating.

913
00:55:15,020 --> 00:55:18,815
They had no idea this was a risk.

914
00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:23,069
When they were deciding,
"Should we stay? Should we go?"

915
00:55:23,153 --> 00:55:26,698
They had no clue
he might find a brand-new way to struggle.

916
00:55:29,909 --> 00:55:32,495
You provide everything
one needs to succeed.

917
00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:35,749
He might choose to have a hard life
on purpose.

918
00:55:38,209 --> 00:55:41,296
They put me through college.
I got a business degree.

919
00:55:41,379 --> 00:55:45,633
I played with their hopes and dreams
all the way up until graduation.

920
00:55:46,551 --> 00:55:48,678
And then I was like, "Psych!"

921
00:55:51,222 --> 00:55:52,599
"I got jokes, Mom."

922
00:55:52,682 --> 00:55:55,894
[crowd laughs, applauds]

923
00:56:07,989 --> 00:56:10,784
My mom don't even know
what stand-up comedy is.

924
00:56:11,368 --> 00:56:14,287
She tells her friends
I'm like a clown with words.

925
00:56:20,835 --> 00:56:23,546
But they're proud of me.
My folks are proud of me.

926
00:56:23,630 --> 00:56:25,715
I assume. They haven't said it yet.

927
00:56:27,342 --> 00:56:31,513
My folks are proud of me
because I'm kind of tall.

928
00:56:33,890 --> 00:56:37,185
Immigrant parents love tall children.

929
00:56:38,061 --> 00:56:39,771
It's their favorite.

930
00:56:39,854 --> 00:56:41,648
They see that as progress.

931
00:56:41,731 --> 00:56:44,526
They see that as affirmation
of their life choices.

932
00:56:44,609 --> 00:56:49,072
They see that as an indication
the kid got nutrients they never got.

933
00:56:50,323 --> 00:56:52,867
Now the kid can steal fruit
from a little bit higher.

934
00:56:58,790 --> 00:56:59,624
I'm grateful.

935
00:56:59,707 --> 00:57:01,793
I want to make them proud, you know? I do.

936
00:57:03,336 --> 00:57:05,547
It's tough in this business.
I try to push ahead.

937
00:57:05,630 --> 00:57:09,050
I try to do things I assume grown-ups
are supposed to be doing, you know?

938
00:57:09,134 --> 00:57:12,220
Like recently, I started researching
this thing people call

939
00:57:12,846 --> 00:57:15,640
"real estates."

940
00:57:17,809 --> 00:57:19,811
Right? Because I saved
a little bit of money,

941
00:57:19,894 --> 00:57:22,021
and was led to believe perhaps it's time

942
00:57:22,105 --> 00:57:24,607
for me to think about
buying a house in Los Angeles.

943
00:57:24,691 --> 00:57:26,276
Maybe that's within my reach.

944
00:57:26,359 --> 00:57:28,445
So I looked into it,
turns out that, actually,

945
00:57:28,528 --> 00:57:30,530
I got to borrow a million dollars.

946
00:57:32,157 --> 00:57:33,950
I'm new and naive to the whole business,

947
00:57:34,033 --> 00:57:37,704
but if I have to borrow a million dollars
to buy a house, it feels like…

948
00:57:38,621 --> 00:57:39,998
I can't buy a house.

949
00:57:43,460 --> 00:57:46,671
My agent was like, "No big deal.
We're going to get you a mortgage."

950
00:57:46,754 --> 00:57:48,923
So I was like, okay,
I'll put in an application

951
00:57:49,007 --> 00:57:51,342
for what's called a jumbo loan.

952
00:57:51,426 --> 00:57:52,635
That's the technical term.

953
00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:56,097
On the application
it's written J-U-M-B-O, "Jumbo."

954
00:57:57,599 --> 00:57:59,058
We all know it's too much money

955
00:57:59,142 --> 00:58:02,270
when you got business people
using cartoon words.

956
00:58:05,482 --> 00:58:09,694
If you want to qualify for a jumbo,
your down payment got to be bonkers.

957
00:58:17,619 --> 00:58:19,746
The crazy thing was, somebody approved it.

958
00:58:20,914 --> 00:58:23,875
I got approved for a jumbo unexpectedly.
I was in shock.

959
00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:25,210
When I saw that I was like…

960
00:58:29,214 --> 00:58:30,840
They think I'm good for it.

961
00:58:31,549 --> 00:58:35,220
They think I'm good for one million,
plus 900,000 in interest.

962
00:58:35,303 --> 00:58:39,682
That's two million dollars they expect
me to provide them over my lifetime.

963
00:58:40,975 --> 00:58:42,977
They know something I don't know.

964
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:46,523
That's encouraging, you know?

965
00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:48,566
I'm not gonna buy a house,
but as a comedian

966
00:58:48,650 --> 00:58:51,069
you know I love getting approval
from strangers.

967
00:58:54,239 --> 00:58:55,698
I'm always curious,

968
00:58:55,782 --> 00:58:57,492
who was that loan officer?

969
00:58:58,493 --> 00:59:01,538
Who was that person working at the bank
reviewing the applications,

970
00:59:01,621 --> 00:59:04,457
like, "Sheng Wang is a 42-year-old
Taiwanese American

971
00:59:04,541 --> 00:59:07,126
trying to make it as a stand-up comedian."

972
00:59:09,420 --> 00:59:10,755
That's a bad bet.

973
00:59:12,507 --> 00:59:13,925
But we gonna play today.

974
00:59:16,427 --> 00:59:18,596
I'm Sheng Wang.
Thank you all so very much!

975
00:59:18,680 --> 00:59:21,391
-[crowd cheers]
-[hip hop music plays]

976
00:59:22,308 --> 00:59:23,560
Thank you, everybody.

977
00:59:24,435 --> 00:59:25,353
Appreciate you.

978
00:59:26,062 --> 00:59:28,314
Be well. Love y'all.

979
00:59:28,898 --> 00:59:29,857
Take care.

980
00:59:35,780 --> 00:59:37,782
[hip-hop music continues]

981
00:59:52,797 --> 00:59:55,216
[hip-hop music ends]