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God is a smoker of Havanas
I see his gray clouds
I know that he smokes even at night
Like me, darling
You're just a smoker of Gitanes
I see your blue curls
SMOKING CAUSES COUGHING
God is a smoker of Havanas
He told me so himself
Smoke sends you to Paradise
Can we pull over?
Again?
No way.
The binoculars, Dad! This is wild!
What is it?
Pull up your zipper, Stéphane.
The binoculars, please, quick.
Come on.
Don't drop them.
Yeah.
Fuck, it's them! This is wild!
Go see what's going on.
Unbelievable! The Tobacco Force, right there!
- Who? - The Tobacco Force, Dad! Fuck!
Just down there. Incredible!
The guys in tracksuits?
Forget it, you don't understand.
Coolest avengers in the world!
- In the whole world, really? - Yep.
No one told me he was vegetarian. I didn't think twice.
- I was talking about salami, like usual. - Ouch!
Everyone at dinner knew but me!
How'd you blow it?
It was really stupid. I...
Guys! Come, we can't win this hand-to-hand.
He's way tougher!
- Shit. - Let's give him a cancer!
Yes! My thoughts exactly!
- Come. - We're off!
- I'll finish later. - Deal.
We have to circle him so he gets totally confused.
Go on!
Positions!
He's confused! It's time!
Let's go, guys! Ready!
Go! Ammonia!
Methanol!
Benzene!
Nicotine!
Mercury!
Get ready!
I'm below max level! What's wrong?
You're not sincere enough! Focus!
I am sincere! Cut the shit!
What the fuck, Mercury?
It's not coming!
You're not sincere enough! I can tell.
Just one second.
Can you hurry?
I feel it! It's coming!
Here it comes!
So let's go!
Tobacco Force!
Most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
There!
That's it!
So gross.
Good work, guys!
Nice job, dudes!
Sorry for the lack of sincerity.
I was in a bad place. Don't know why.
It happens to us all.
Norbert 500!
See all this carnage?
Filthy. I'll rinse your costumes
before the blood stains the fibers.
- Get in line. - What a fucking pill.
Congratulate us before talking about cleaning.
You know he has no emotions.
Line up in front of me.
How will you rinse us off?
Come on, get in a line. He's right, we're all gross.
Hey, Norbert,
did Chief Didier say he's happy with us?
Chief Didier did not ask me to tell you anything.
Don't move. I will activate the rinse.
Excellent! An integrated hose!
I hope this is hot water! I don't want to catch cold.
Listen to him.
What a wuss.
I hope it shoots just water.
See where it's located?
INCOMING VIDEO CALL
Hello, Chief Didier.
Hello, Nicotine. You're stunning as ever.
Thank you, that's sweet.
Am I dreaming or have your breasts grown larger?
I think so too.
Actually, I'm sure they have.
It suits you well.
Thank you, Chief.
Get the others.
I have something important to say.
All right.
It's normal. Just use deodorant.
I use it all the time.
Conference call with Chief Didier!
Hello, Chief Didier.
Hello, Tobacco Force.
First let me congratulate you.
Tortusse got what he deserved. You should be proud.
It was a beautiful kill.
Thanks, Chief Didier.
Thanks.
Now I have some less pleasant news.
Don't take it badly.
The meta-data of your last missions
shows that group cohesion has considerably weakened.
Oh, yeah?
Really?
Really. I'll spare you the alarming details.
Some of you are becoming increasingly individualistic,
and I don't like that.
To keep performance and solidarity high,
I'm sending you on a retreat for a few days.
to boost team spirit, the hallmark of Tobacco Force.
A retreat?
Like a seminar, I guess. Right?
Call it what you will.
Underground base F77 will be your dormitory.
You can organize your days
as you see fit.
Okay, vacation time! Great.
- Totally. - Yes, but with a major objective.
Wait, it's just that I...
I planned to spend time with my kids.
I don't see them often, so...
Forget it, Mercury, it's an order. You leave now.
You won a battle, but the war is far from over.
I need you all in top form
for next week's mission.
Your opponent will be more ferocious than Tortusse.
Who is it?
Lizardin.
The one and only.
My intel services intercepted a galactic email
from Lizardin's personal assistant.
It seems to suggest that
the bastard plans to destroy planet Earth before the year's end.
- What? - No!
We can't let a lizard destroy the planet.
My thoughts exactly.
Good thinking, Nicotine.
Thank you.
We think so too, we just didn't say it.
One second.
Hello? Yes...
Yes, okay...
Fine, tell him I'm on my way.
I have to go to a business lunch.
The van is programmed to drive you to your retreat.
Enjoy your stay.
Rest up, look out for each other, and above all,
I'll say it again,
work on your group cohesion.
Only if you remain close-knit can you save the world.
See you later.
Hello.
I'm really sorry, but my son recognized you.
He's over the moon.
Can he get a picture with you?
Get ready, smile.
Perfect. I'll take one more.
One last one.
All done. Thanks!
Our pleasure.
Happy, my boy?
Over the moon, sir. You're my favorite.
Nice...
Let me tell you something life-changing.
Our name is Tobacco Force,
but we're all anti-cigarette, really.
So why the name?
I'll explain, you'll get it.
We use the negative energy from tobacco as a weapon, see?
To suffocate our adversaries until they die.
We've never smoked in our lives, never.
Why are you telling me?
So you don't screw up like your dad. Look at him.
Think he looks smart?
I don't know.
No.
He looks like an idiot.
Trust me.
Don't touch that shit.
Smoking sucks.
It causes coughing.
Great location!
Oh, my God, it's gorgeous!
Oh, yeah, so, so sweet.
No kidding, I haven't seen a lake in 20 years.
It's mind-blowing, literally.
Think we can swim in it?
It's water.
Maybe there are germs.
It looks clean.
We're so lucky!
Where is Norbert going?
What's that dummy doing?
He must be in reconnaissance mode.
He's exploring.
He should answer, though.
Norb!
What are you doing?
Maybe nothing.
He's not moving.
That fucking idiot!
- After you. - Okay.
Oh, yeah, nice!
Oh, yeah, I love it!
Super!
Hey guys, titanium beds! Amazing!
This base is wild!
Total fucking comfort!
I love it!
Jeez! You won't believe it!
Sea-water showers!
Classy!
No way!
Hello.
This is crazy! There's even a supermarket-fridge!
I want to live here.
So do I.
CALLING
Yes, Nicotine, what is it?
I...
- Can you hear? - Yes, sorry.
Sorry, I wanted to report something, but I can call back.
If it's a bad time.
Go on, tell me, now that we're talking.
Go on, I'm listening.
Actually...
I'm a bit worried.
Norbert 500 dove into the lake and never resurfaced.
That's completely normal, honeybun.
He was programmed for suicide.
Just after the mission.
Oh, okay.
You'll receive an upgraded model tomorrow morning.
Now I see, thanks.
Sorry I bothered you,
I'll tell the others and leave you with your... friend.
We'll talk later. Enjoy your stay.
And remember why you're there.
- You can count on us. - Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I don't agree.
Seriously...
Nothing bad can happen to us, right?
What are you talking about?
There's no real danger.
We always get by!
Totally not.
Nonsense, there's danger.
Don't we always win?
For now, but that means nothing.
Yes, it does.
I just think that we're invincible.
Wait, I just heard something.
- What? Where? - In the bushes over there.
Am I the only one who thinks we're invincible?
Shut up, I heard something!
I'm not crazy. See that?
Come on, relax, it's nothing.
- Who the hell cares? - I do.
I'm freaking out.
Fuck, what's that?
You piss me off!
We can't listen to bushes all night.
Are we Tobacco Force or fucking pussies?
What are you doing?
There. No more noise.
Feel better now?
Okay, I get it.
What is it?
A groundhog.
You freaked out over a groundhog.
Stress for nothing!
I was out of control.
Me too.
We're in nature. There are animals, it's normal.
Were you really scared?
Yeah, we're not used to this.
And at night, you never know.
- What were you expecting? - No idea.
A pervert spying on us, jerking off.
No, something dangerous, like a bear!
A bear? I can't believe my ears!
You chickens! A noise at night and you shit your pants!
It was surprising.
"Surprising"? Bad choice of words!
Wait.
Here's a scary story, just to show you.
- No, I'm good. - Come on!
Go on, I'm into it.
Great team spirit.
Methanol, can I?
Dunno, is it "interesting-scary" or just scary?
You'll see, but more number one.
Yeah, why not?
Nicotine?
Whatever, I couldn't care less.
- Lovely. - Why are you such a downer?
You're morose.
I'm just thinking.
Forget it, it's fine.
"Couldn't care less" is yes. So, yes?
I'm hypersensitive.
If it's too scary, I'll have nightmares.
It's just for fun!
Okay, go on.
Yes?
It's always guys who decide anyway.
That's not true, not among us.
Honestly, those aren't the vibes here.
- So? - Yeah, go on.
Beware. This is real.
A true story, nothing invented.
It's the story of two couples, very good friends...
who rent a country house
for the weekend.
Now one of myself.
- Cute little place! - Yes.
Fuck, my back hurts.
Isn't that car uncomfortable?
Look, honey.
- You weren't listening. - Come look!
"Thinking Helmet."
Wild! It's from 1930.
1930, wow.
Before World War II.
Listen,
"Isolating you from the external world, this helmet enhances thought flow
and quickly purifies your mind.
Not for asthmatics or children under 15."
This thing looks like fun.
It's nothing at all, just bullshit.
Come on!
You like strangers chomping popcorn in your ear while watching a movie?
I don't pay attention.
If the movie's good, you tune out everyone else.
- Right. - Well, I don't. Sorry.
And you can always change seats.
You just want a big screen.
No, that's a misconception, buddy.
- Coffee, everyone? - You bet.
Please, honey. Thanks.
Let me explain the scam, because it is a scam.
Here we go again.
A movie screen is big.
Right?
But since you sit far away,
perspective-wise,
the screen size is the same as a TV.
Get it?
Not really.
Think for a sec.
It's physics.
If you see an elephant from afar, it seems small.
We have a big TV.
Yeah.
The coffee is ready.
You put it on?
What the fuck is that?
- It's awful. - What are you doing?
I don't know. Isn't it funny?
I swear it's comfortable. I feel great with it on.
Actually, it's practical if you're ugly.
No, but... No.
You don't want to join us, honey?
No, I'm good. It's cool.
What an amazing sensation, I can really think.
Think?
You can't wear that dumb thing all day!
Come and dance with us.
- Dance, you two. - What?
Go on, have some fun.
Hold on...
That idiot dances so fucking badly.
A real dumbass.
I'm married to a dumbass.
I can't stand him anymore.
He's weighed me down for years, I'm fed up.
I don't remember loving him for a single second.
How the fuck could I have lied to myself?
I've had it up to my eyeballs.
Come on.
Come dance!
What a loser, this one is.
He's gotten on my nerves from day one.
Vulgar, ignorant,
oversexed, complacent.
He's so annoying, I could slap him.
You can't sit there all alone. Come and dance!
And that fucking wife of his!
My God, what a dipshit.
What am I doing with these people?
I suddenly feel so far away from them.
So far away.
Maybe I'm not really here after all.
Yes, that must be it.
My body's here in this room with these three dummies,
but my mind is elsewhere.
Far away.
Very far.
Actually, that's why I feel so good.
My mind has left.
It's very pleasant.
Everything seems so clear suddenly.
I don't know where I am, but I want to stay here forever.
Come on, honey, open. We're worried.
Maybe she's sick.
- Sick with what? - No idea.
Move.
Fuck.
- Honey? - What?
What's up? We were scared! You crazy?
I'm relaxing, don't worry.
And the water's cold. Take that off.
It's stuck. I can't take it off anymore.
What?
No biggie, I feel great. I'll keep it.
You all have fun. Don't worry about me.
I swear it's cool.
I'm thinking, I can't stop thinking.
It's wonderful, I adore it.
You can leave, thanks.
It's like a big motorcycle helmet.
So we're afraid she'll suffocate.
Okay, thanks. Great.
- She's getting a doctor. - Great.
Honey, we'll ask a doctor. We'll figure this out.
Why?
To get that off. You can't keep it on!
You don't listen. I said I want it.
Don't give yourselves a headache. Just leave me alone.
I've never felt so good in all my life.
She's totally delirious.
Of course, it's the lack of oxygen.
Excuse me, guys...
How can a doctor make a diagnosis over the phone?
They're used to it.
Baby, you're eating again! Watch out!
What?
Yes, yes.
Okay.
Well, thanks anyway.
Goodbye.
So... I don't know.
They said to use a hammer, like firemen do when they're stuck.
- What? - Or the ER.
A two-hour ride.
Fuck.
What a pain!
We're not taking the car!
We arrive on Earth pure and innocent,
in a perfect little body.
And spend the rest of our lives wasting away.
What a pathetic existence.
Why is the mind condemned to be stuck in a deteriorating body?
Who decided that?
Why all this disgusting flesh,
these fragile organs, this hair, these nails?
So ugly, so useless.
Maybe humankind is just one big mistake?
What's that noise?
They want me back in that world?
What for?
Leave me the fuck alone.
Let me go away in peace.
Oh, no.
That lovesick loser, again.
I can't take it anymore.
This has to stop.
This isn't working! Pain in the ass!
You're filming?
Yeah. It's for her.
Her hand's gone limp.
But she's breathing.
I have no idea.
Should I try with this?
Where would you saw?
I don't know.
This way?
That's her brain!
But her skull protects it.
Don't worry.
Or here, but it's her throat.
It's worse.
I have no idea, I've never done this!
Why did she put that on?
- Yes or no? - Yes, we can't leave her like this.
So I'll do it, I'll saw.
This has to end.
Fuck.
There, I freed you from your body. You can escape.
You're dumb as fuck, but you're allowed to be free.
Have a nice trip.
So...
No.
We've managed to hide.
I'm afraid of dying. Right now, we're in a pool.
It reeks of chlorine!
Hey, calm down.
She killed Christophe. I can't believe it.
Céline, get a hold of yourself. You're too loud, shut up!
Get a hold of myself?
She killed my husband! Are you stupid?
I know. He was my best friend. This is tough for me too.
But please, keep it down.
Why hide if we're yelling? Understand?
And we were trying to have a child.
I have to tell the camera.
So... me and Christophe...
we wanted to have a baby.
- Who are you talking to? - But...
We were waiting for him to be financially stable.
He had some problems at the office.
Stop, no one will watch that.
There'll be an investigation. It's important to document.
It's useless, so shut up! Control yourself!
Okay, I'm being bawled out by Psycho-Killer's husband.
- Give me that. - Hands off!
We can call the cops instead.
Are you stupid?
This has to end.
Bruno.
No!
No, please.
I don't deserve this. I never hurt anyone.
I don't want to...
This has to end.
Then the helmet filled up with water.
And the girl drowned.
All of them, dead. Like that.
Horrible.
Like it?
Yeah!
So...
That didn't scare me.
- Seriously? - Yeah. It's weird,
but not scary, see? Not for me.
You're abnormal, period.
A groundhog scares you but not that story?
Yeah, no, I dunno.
It's sexist to say "period."
Ovulation references aren't cool.
That's not what he was saying.
Saying that word to a female shocks me.
It's the Political Correctness Police.
Wait, did you say "female"?
Yeah, you know... a woman, you get it.
I defend you and you attack me! The nerve...
Fuck this.
A "female."
Honestly, you told that story really well.
But sorry, pal, I know one 1,500 times scarier.
How much?
I swear, you'll see.
Tales of the Crypt isn't my thing. I'm going to bed.
Wait, listen to mine at least.
Stay. There's no rush.
This is fun, like boy scouts.
What's worse than scouts?
I know, I was kidding.
Come on, stay.
Why the bad mood? You're not happy here?
Lay off me! I'm not in a bad mood.
Tell it, so we can sleep.
Great atmosphere! Nice.
Go on, tell it.
Hold on tight, with me, you're in for a bumpy ride.
- It starts like this... - Wait!
Look, there's a girl there.
- That freaks me out for real. - Yeah.
The Exorcist.
Hi.
Come, don't be afraid.
Why is she here?
Hey.
You're so pretty. What's your name?
Josette.
What are you doing here, Josette?
Nothing.
It's late to be out alone like this.
Where are your parents?
At home.
Where is your home?
Why are you wearing weird outfits?
Well actually, we're avengers.
Understand?
Look, we're all sitting around the fire.
- Want to come? - I don't know.
How we treat bad guys.
Cool, isn't it?
It's a rubber monster. It's all mushy.
What? I ripped his head off for real.
I still think it's crap, sir.
Crap?
We save humanity and you call it crap?
Lay off her! It's stupid to show her that.
Must she say "crap"?
She's too little to understand.
You can't show her that, idiot!
Calm down! This is a seminar, but I'm your boss!
Great cohesion, guys.
Cut it out. What will she think of adults?
I don't like adults anyway.
Evening.
Hello.
Sorry, the campfire attracted her. She's curious.
We live 200 meters away.
Just there. Sorry to have bothered you.
It's no bother, and she's so cute.
- Yes. - Thank you.
Are you on vacation?
More or less. We're not working.
We're telling scary stories.
Want to stay for mine?
Why not? We'd love to.
Josette loves scary stories. Right?
I love them. I know a terrifying one, if you want.
Go on, tell it, sweetie.
It's my turn, actually.
Tell it, sweetie.
It happened nearby.
In the lake.
A nice fish was out swimming,
like every day.
Looking for food.
But the water was cloudy.
The fish couldn't see much.
So he decided to go up to the surface
to get some air.
And there...
he saw something awful.
That's it.
So depressing.
Seriously.
Is it real or made up?
- No, it's true. - She made it up.
We'll leave you, it's late. Coming?
We'll stop bothering you.
- See you later. - Goodbye.
- Goodnight.
Are we good? You got your dose of depression?
Oh, yeah.
I'm exhausted. Bedtime!
We'll have nightmares after this.
Seriously, can I tell mine fast?
You can't go on after her. The kid killed us.
Yeah, drop it.
Bedtime, Tobacco Force.
Good evening.
- Sorry. - No worries, that's why I'm here.
Happen to have sleeping pills?
We don't have that.
No? Okay, shit, too bad.
I can't fall asleep, so...
I thought you may have pills.
Nope.
Anything you want to eat or drink, 24/7, but that's all.
But otherwise... Maybe we could...
No pressure, but since they're asleep...
Yes?
I was thinking... you must get bored in there.
Since I can't sleep, we could grab a drink.
Meaning?
We could crack open a bottle.
You come out of your closet...
and have a drink, the two of us.
Why not, after all?
You want pills or a drink with me? I'm confused.
Actually, I first came for sleeping pills.
And now, seeing you, I had another idea.
All right.
FYI, I'm not a pharmacist, and less so, a whore.
Goodnight.
No fucking way!
I don't believe you.
Don't tell anyone. I trust you.
Are you serious?
I am! Look, I'm shaking just talking to you.
Holy shit.
I never felt anything so strong.
I'm confused, I'm a total wreck.
It's why I'm telling you.
Guys!
I'm going for a swim.
- You want to come? - No.
Perfect temperature!
No, we're having a talk.
Yeah, no...
Sorry for the cool suggestion.
And so yesterday...
I called him to ask about Norbert.
And then, fuck...
I saw...
He was with a woman in his bed.
A woman?
Who was it?
I don't know, who cares?
I was totally heartbroken.
I spent a terrible night.
So I wrote him a love letter...
- It's stupid. - It is.
Hold on for a sec.
Imagine you let your desire play out.
It must be pretty strange to sleep with him.
I don't know, I've never done it.
But you've already kissed.
- Yes... obviously. - So imagine.
Imagine kissing him.
With green goo dripping from his mouth.
It must be gross.
I hadn't thought so far in ahead.
What is it?
It could be detergent... or acid.
Want that in your mouth when you kiss?
You're right. It's disgusting!
What an idiot. Why didn't I think of that? Whatever!
Yeah, whatever, honey.
Maybe look for someone who looks like you.
Like someone human.
You're right!
There, it's done.
I'm not in love with him anymore.
- You sure? - Yeah!
It's over. I feel nothing now.
Thanks, I'll toss the letter.
You opened my eyes. I was totally lost!
Thanks.
Whenever you want.
Look at this!
I caught a barracuda.
Hey, you.
Welcome.
Today I turned on my computer.
I found the scariest story of all time and all universes.
No, spare us, not that again!
I started a contest.
This goes beyond contests. Wanna hear?
- Sure. - Let's discuss positive stuff.
- Yeah, I agree, this is sick. - No...
Not cool. I was so excited.
Here!
Thanks.
So I did a search for nothing.
We have a week. Plenty of time for your story.
Ah, okay.
Wait, guys, I only just realized.
We haven't spoken to our new teammate.
Very uncool.
Norbert 1200, come.
Tell us a little about yourself.
Happy to be here?
I am Norbert 1200.
Your new assistant.
Yeah. And?
- He seems less lively. - A lot less.
Did you hear my question?
I am happy
to have joined...
the Tobacco Force.
Work on your language skills. I'll check my barracuda.
He's not working at all.
Forget it.
Isn't this an upgrade?
- It's the 1200. - That means nothing.
That's not true.
I think it's just numbers.
Fuck!
I also have a terrible story to tell.
What the fuck? It talks!
Listen to me.
It takes place somewhere in France.
Yeah?
I understand totally.
Yeah!
Okay, so I'm going to check...
I'll check the crew schedules and get back to you.
But I can't...
No, I have to check first...
We got a major problem. We need you!
- What? - Come fast.
- Tell me what it is. - Come!
We have a problem. I'll call you back.
Yeah... bye.
- What is it? - Come, it's a nightmare!
Pain in the ass!
Hurry.
Come.
Look at the mess he got into.
- What did you do, Michael? - Nothing.
We were loading debris. A beam got stuck.
- I pushed on it to... - Why?
To force it in. Sorry.
Sorry.
This really sucks.
This sucks bigtime.
Did you run the motor backwards?
Your nephew is your problem. He's uninsured.
Okay, yeah, I see.
Okay, fine...
I'll do this. We all stay calm.
I'm fine. I'm not in pain.
No pain? You fucking kidding?
No, I'm okay, I swear.
There's some blood.
Guys, don't add to the stress with stupid comments!
Yeah, there's blood, it's a mess!
Can I concentrate for a second?
So...
This is forward.
Yeah.
We'll run it backwards.
Right? Got any other ideas?
I won't decide. It's your call.
Okay, great. Thanks.
Michael!
I'll try reversing the motor.
You'll hear the machine running,
but don't worry, it'll go backwards.
So it should unblock you.
Okay?
It's all good.
All good? Right, it's all great!
How do I tell your mom if you're crippled?
Sorry, Auntie.
I wanted to help.
Yeah, well you didn't. You blew it.
Here we go.
Cut the motor! It's not in reverse!
Oh, my God!
Good job! A wheelchair, for sure.
- You're a pain. - For sure.
Make yourself useful!
Go get the instruction manual from my filing cabinet.
And make it fast!
I can't believe it!
No, but... don't worry, Auntie.
It doesn't hurt.
- I'm fine. - Stop it! You're not fine!
The info hasn't made its way to your brain!
This doesn't bode well. It's gonna hurt at some point.
Don't stand there like idiots. Get mops and clean up.
This is crazy.
Those dummies must have hooked it up backwards.
"Forward" must be "reverse."
- Maybe, yeah. - Yeah... maybe.
I'll give it a try, Michael.
If it doesn't work, I'll stop it.
Hold on.
Ready.
I know you don't want me to say I'm fine,
and I don't want to piss you off,
but chill out. I'm fine, I swear.
Keep quiet, shut your mouth!
You're half a human being. Stop saying you're fucking fine!
Here's what it says,
"Hold the green button down for three seconds."
Great. Can you do it for me, please?
This is your headache, sorry.
Please, you're lucid. I'm panicking.
This isn't my problem. You're in charge.
Please. His mom's birthday is tonight.
I'm supposed to take him. How do I manage?
Telling my sister that her son...
Wait.
I don't care. This is your mess, not mine.
Deal with it. I won't touch a thing.
You guys good?
You hit the jackpot, 50 euros for whoever presses the button.
No way, my guys won't solve your problem!
You're gonna man up, grow some balls,
and get him out so we can get back to work
Move it!
What's the procedure?
Three seconds, green button.
Michael, I don't want to hear you say you're fine.
Because I'm going haywire here.
Keep quiet.
Here I go.
- Is that three seconds? - Yes.
Okay, it's working.
Yes, Tony, it's me.
Just checking about your allergies.
I can't remember if cacao or coffee is the culprit.
And since I'm buying a cake for tonight,
I was wondering.
Try to call back quickly, if you can.
And ask Michael to bring me the sweater I left at his place.
I like it a lot.
See you soon.
You okay?
I don't really know how to say this...
What?
Come see. It's really sick.
My guys scooped it all up.
Fuck.
Alright.
It's awful,
but in the end, it does get better.
Come!
What?
It's gross, I'm not going to lie...
but wait and see.
What is it?
Why show this to me?
Wait, look... Michael!
Yeah?
Seriously?
Michael, I'm with your aunt, who's a little in shock.
Tell her what you told me, to reassure her.
Aunt Tony?
What I put you through was very uncool,
and I'm really sorry.
But I want you to know I'm feeling fine.
Holy fucking shit!
Crazy, huh?
It's true that I've changed.
I can't walk around, I can't see, it's weird.
But I swear, I feel great.
It's no big deal. You must put it in perspective.
Take him for a bit.
He's your nephew! Take him.
Say something!
- Michael? - Yeah, I'm here.
Hug me against you, please.
There.
It's wonderful.
I feel your warmth.
Yeah, okay.
It's very reassuring.
Tell me you're not angry.
I don't know, I...
I'm not angry.
Great.
I love you, Auntie.
I like you a lot too.
All's well that ends well. I'll go.
We have to get to work, we're behind.
Good luck, boss. See you Monday.
Bye, guys.
See you Monday.
What a mess! Don't you ever tidy up, Michael?
I haven't had time, I'm sorry.
Near my desk is a pink sweater with a flower embroidered on it.
I see it.
This is cute.
What?
A picture of us on the desk.
When was this?
Oh yeah.
Dad's funeral, I think.
Oh yeah!
Nice pic. I look good in it.
Yeah... I love it.
I always look at it.
I'm moved that you have it on your desk.
See the sweater?
Yes, affirmative. I see it.
It's all good.
When your mother was pregnant with you,
I went berserk, I told her,
"Nicole, are you responsible enough to have a kid?
You can't even knit socks."
She took it really badly.
Yeah.
Yep.
Now here you are.
Life is really crazy.
You don't need socks now.
Can I have a puff?
Can I have a puff of that?
Yeah, why not?
Don't tell your mother.
It won't feel the same without lungs.
Take it back?
Thanks.
Another one?
It's making my head spin.
I need to puke.
What? No, not in the car! Wait.
Go on, let it out.
Sorry.
Come on, relax, it's normal.
It's crazy how this accident is making us bond.
I always considered you a second mother.
- Don't talk crap. - I swear.
It'll be fine.
My nephew, it's not your day.
I'm not ready.
I always sucked at announcing bad news.
Relax, we'll tell the truth. She'll understand, she's smart.
I don't know, really.
We'll blame it on me.
It's true. It's not your fault.
I fucked up, I have to own it.
I'm alive. That's what matters.
Yeah, you're right.
Go on, it'll be fine. Trust me.
Yeah.
- How old is she? - Fifty-two.
- You fucked up. - Exactly!
You shouldn't have set foot in that machine.
I fucked up.
You're an idiot.
What's going on, Auntie?
No, no, no, no! No, no!
Come! Come here!
Hi.
What next?
Then?
Forget it, it's burnt.
Done.
So sad! Poor thing didn't even finish his story.
Your barracuda sucks.
We can't even eat it now. Look!
Personally, I found...
this story...
very amusing.
Come on.
Three rounds, come on.
Ready.
One, two, three.
Spider, bird, frying pan.
-Frying pan cooks the bird. -Okay.
Let's go.
One, two, three.
Spider, bird, frying pan.
It's close, I like the suspense.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Spider, bird, frying pan.
Spider eats spider. I killed you.
- Spider eats spider? - Obviously.
- I win. - One more game.
Three rounds. Get ready!
INCOMING VIDEO CALL
Going, Nicotine?
Why always me?
You go!
I'm uncomfortable face-to-face with the Chief.
- So let's not answer. - Maybe it's important.
Hurry up, tell him we're busy. The Chief's a pain.
And tell him we want a robot that works!
Good thinking.
Hey, you.
Hello, Ammonia.
I'm alone, you can talk normal.
So? Do you miss me?
Ammonia, my little kitty.
I'm not in the mood. It's something else.
Right.
Stop pretending.
In five minutes, I can get you hot and horny.
Forget it.
You had someone in your bed last night.
Who was that whore?
It's not the right time. Forget the frivolity.
The situation is serious, very serious.
I have some terrible news.
He's more of a home robot than a combat robot.
Maybe he has great functions. Don't judge so fast.
He's obviously not working. Look.
Norbert!
What is one million plus one million?
He's a robot, not a calculator.
He's a piece of junk.
So?
What did he say?
How can I say it?
The answer is, two million.
Good, Norbert, thanks.
He sucks!
The more you say he sucks, the more he'll suck.
What's wrong? You okay?
I have the freakiest story you'll ever hear.
And the last one too.
Lizardin set off his plan earlier than expected.
We're all going to die.
Earth will soon be destroyed.
- We're fucked, everything is. - What?
You couldn't warn us?
Piece-of-shit machine!
Mercury...
this is terrible, do something!
I need to talk to my kids.
I'm sorry.
I was a real drag here. Now I realize. Sorry!
Stop.
Not at all.
I adore you. You're my role model.
Role model?
You kidding? You're the best of us!
You never told me!
Because I'm a stupid ass.
I don't compliment people. It's all about me, me, me!
I'm that way too.
Time to get this over with. Let's do it!
Copy that.
Twelve...
eleven...
ten...
nine...
eight...
seven...
six...
five...
Yes?
Yes, I'll tell him.
- What is it? - Your wife. Supper time.
Shit!
Shit, darn, yeah... okay.
Put it on stand-by. We'll finish later.
Hey, honey.
- Hello, darlings. All good? - Hi, Daddy.
It's Daddy. Say hi to Daddy!
Hey, Daddy!
We were talking about you.
- The girls won't nap. - Really?
Why not?
We want you to tell us a story.
Are you well?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Give Daddy a kiss.
Give Daddy a kiss too.
Before we all die,
let me say something. Last night,
I just wanted to have a drink, not to hook up.
I just wanted to talk.
What's more, you're not my type.
So, sorry. You got it all wrong.
Too bad.
It was so great being all together.
I wish it had lasted longer.
How sad.
Fighting evil for all these years.
It got us nowhere!
I know.
It's frustrating, I know.
Come here, little Methanol!
Come join us, brother.
Crazy how you remind me of my young self!
Who the fuck cares?
It's always about you!
I'm so fucking pissed.
I never had time to enjoy life!
Me neither.
I'm dying a virgin!
Forgive me.
I was busy, and I didn't see the time.
- We just sat down. - Excellent.
All well?
Fine, fine.
- Evening, son. - Evening.
What you working on?
I'm destroying a sick planet.
Which planet?
I've mentioned it before.
Earth, the planet of crazy people.
Yes. Bravo, my boy.
Sit straight, damn hyena!
Sorry, Dad.
Why are you destroying it?
It's not interesting.
I'm putting a sick planet out of its misery.
What's for dinner?
Galactic soup.
Again.
That's enough.
Delicious.
While the rabbit is running through the forest,
he realizes his carrots are in the hunter's fridge.
Then the rabbit meets another rabbit...
Wait a sec!
I have a call, be right back. Stay there, I love you.
Chief?
Mercury, it's not over. I read Norbert 1200's user's manual.
One of his special functions can save you.
You have very little time. Listen closely.
Yo, guys!
Guys!
It's not over!
What?
It's not over! Norbert 1200 can save us.
That piece of shit?
Norbert, you hear me?
I am Norbert 1200.
I know, listen to me.
Norbert, can you initiate procedure U55 on the double?
We're doomed anyway.
What the hell?
Hurry up!
Procedure U55 activated.
What's U55?
Are you sure you want to change eras?
- Change eras? - What the fuck?
We go back in time!
- Back? - Amazing!
Sure, say yes!
Think so?
It beats dying!
Are you sure to want to change eras?
Yes!
- You're rushing this! - We have no choice!
- Yes, fast! - Hurry up! We want to!
- Are you sure to want to change eras? - You bet we do!
You stupid? Why did you hit him?
We said yes! What the fuck?
Can we choose the era?
I have no idea!
Era change in progress.
Fuck!
CALLING
What the fuck are they up to?
Can you disconnect from work?
I'll just be a second.
Come on...
Voicemail. Leave a message.
Tobacco Force, call me back right away.
I have some excellent news.
Alert retracted.
You must cancel procedure U55.
I repeat, cancel procedure U55.
It's very important.
Call me back ASAP.
Gotta disconnect, baby.
You'll burn out.
Yeah, I know...
Work isn't everything.
Don't you think?
You're totally right.
There's something...
way more important than this mess.
Want to know what it is?
Yeah, go on.
Well...
it's love.
Era change in progress.
SMOKING CAUSES COUGHING
Subtitles: Andrew Litvack
Subtitling TITRAFILM
Era change in progress.