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A 100% FICTIONAL STORY INSPIRED BY 100 TRUE STORIES
Yes, Mom, we broke up! We just weren't compatible.
She wanted kids, and I… Just that, she wanted kids.
Mom, to own my own house, I need to buy it first.
And a child holds you back in your career.
Exactly! That's what I said.
When I'm project manager, I'll give you grandkids.
Bro, do you have one Leu?
-What's that? -Some money.
-Do you have Revolut? -What's that?
How do you expect me to help you if you don't help yourself?
Welcome to FU Global!
I got it.
I have to hang up, I'm late for work. Yes, I went to the doctor.
No, I'm fine.
It's nothing serious.
The doctor said I might be suffering from anxiety.
No!
-Gina, how are the kids? -They got measles.
Good! Wonderful!
It's the excuse of the century, not a disease. I'm fine.
-How's the bossman? -Don't jinx it till it's certain!
Don't know when I'll visit. Kisses!
Mom, I have seven people who depend on me, I need to…
Morning!
-Where is everyone? -Half smoking, half drinking coffee.
What about the Black Friday summer campaign?
-Two! -Waiting on you.
-Spira Bank offer? -Waiting on you.
-And you? What do you think we should do? -Whatever you think.
Diana, what the fudge are you doing?
-Looking for espadrilles. Are you blind? -Can't you do that after six?
-After six is my free time. -You think it's okay to do this at work?
This isn't work, it's just a job. I'm not a laborer.
Let me take this garbage out.
-You took it out already. It's empty. -Empty or not, I have to change it.
-You want people to say I'm not working? -Put the bag back.
I took it out already.
-It's still a bag! -It's garbage now.
Do you want Ms. Nico to give me a bad report?
No one will pick on you. You're the only one working here.
And with a broken arm. You're afraid of Nicoleta now?
-Morning. -Morning.
The team building is in three weeks and we're not fully booked.
Because for the past three years, the Cluj division keeps beating us?
That's why Mr. Oprea wants us to win this year.
'Happiness Cup'. Sounds great. I'll email you about it.
You already said that last week.
Kind reminder, last week I sent an email with AI solutions to reduce expenses.
And I told you I'll email you.
Kind reminder, today we're getting the evaluation reports.
-Good luck! -Thanks!
-Wait up! Nico! -Yes!
-Do you hate me? -No!
-Honestly now! -Of course not!
When did you get here?
-Do you think they're doing it? -Mr. Emil, how can you say that?
Mr. Oprea only screws the girls in accounting.
-And Nicoleta? -Nicoleta is HR. She screws all of us.
Mr. Emil, you know what your problem is? You work too much.
THE COOLEST BOSS
You're a smart guy. But your problem is that you work too much.
And that's a problem?
I just told you it's a problem. Are you stupid?
Nico!
-Is he stupid? -Yes, boss!
I just told him he's smart.
-Are you stupid? -Yes, boss!
'He doesn't get teamwork.
Puts too much pressure. Sends emails at 8:00 PM.'
We should work harder. It's Black Friday, the summer edition.
Do you even know what we do there?
- Processing credit cards. - And what do we actually do?
Nico!
At PLM Global, we add value through operational excellence
and understanding the partners' business processes.
We help people get installments. Installments calm people down.
They don't complain. They don't feel wronged anymore.
That sounds pretty bad.
-I like it. -She likes it.
See how happy she looks?
You look upset.
-Do you have kids? -No.
-Installments? -I rent.
-See? You're stupid. What's our slogan? -Making dreams come true…
Making dreams come true in installments.
-Nico! -Yes.
-Do you have kids? -Yes!
-Installments? -Where do I even begin?
-Are you upset? -No! Unless you want me to be.
See? Life is simple when you have kids and installments.
You're happy to have a job.
When you have no kids or installments, you hate life.
And we in this company don't hate life.
All together. We are all a big family.
Please, God.
Make it drop, God! God, make it…
-Hi! -Hi!
-May I join you? -Sure.
Mercury is retrograding.
-Great day! -You too!
I suggest you don't take it as a step back.
It's more of a horizontal promotion.
-Nico, give us a minute. -Yes, boss!
If you want to lead, I have a department.
They've gone an entire year without a boss or results.
-What department? -A special one.
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
Uh-huh.
Yeah!
They didn't demote me. They promoted me.
Horizontally. Yes, Mom.
Mom, I'm going to lead a lot of people.
Bye, Mom.
Hi. Hello! Hi! Soft 'hey'.
Hi guys, I'm your new team… leader.
-Where's everyone? -Half smoking, half drinking coffee.
Is this…?
It is.
Let's start with introductions. I'm Emil. I'm your new team leader.
-What did you do? -Excuse me?
You did something to get demoted.
They didn't demote me. They promoted me. Horiz…
I want to prove that the call center department is useful.
And show you that work can be fun.
Why?
What do you mean 'why'? You should love your job.
That's a hobby. If work was fun, I would pay to be here.
Nope. I love watching Asia Express.
That means I clock in lots of overtime hours.
Onel, stop talking. You're depriving your brain of oxygen.
Guys, let's do a call simulation. I'm the customer who has a problem.
Hello, you have called FU Global. I'm an idiot.
-How may I help you? -What are you doing?
That's the procedure. They call, I answer. They swear, I transfer them.
How hard can it be to talk to a customer?
Give it here!
Suck my dick.
Look, take the call from Buzău.
Hello, you have called FU Global. My name… What?
-Do you have my name on the card? -I know the name is on the card…
What do you mean how I got your number? I'm not being rude. Do what?
I can't put anything in that hole. It's too small.
-You've ruined my life. -Got it. I'll transfer you.
FU Global, good afternoon.
-Your mother is a whore! -Yup! True.
Of course! We all deserve to die.
Let's see how we can solve that. Can I get your social security number?
How may I help you?
Read a book. I don't know.
Ma'am, I'm not saying 5G doesn't exist. I'm saying it's not in pigeons.
You have called the police. Hello! Hello!
-What are you doing? -Working.
You just hung up on a client.
-No. He hung up on me. -Because you said you're the police.
Our goal is to solve people's problems.
No, that's the company's goal. My goal is to get as many calls as I can.
Don't you understand that I'm not human? I'm a robot.
You did not solve their problems.
I did. It can't be done.
Don't you sleep better when you know it can't be done?
Horia? Do a Macarena, dude!
Let's do it!
Macarena! He goes through five calls in 30 seconds.
You don't believe it? Just watch.
Nipple!
Two, three and go.
You called the IRS. We close accounts. Hello?
You're live with Oreste!
Hello? Thank you for donating two Euros for… Hello?
You fucking bastard, if you call my wife one more time, I'll… Hello?
I'm Florin Piersic and I'm so happy to talk to someone.
I miss talking to… Hello?
-What's the time? -21 seconds.
-Great job! -Yes! A new record.
Excellent work!
Welcome to FU Global.
-Yes. -We believe in inclusion.
I forgot my wallet. Please let me in.
-Name? -Horia.
-Horia what? -We are a big family here.
Horia Brenciu.
Do you have ID?
I just said I forgot my wallet. I don't have ID on me.
Security!
She called the special forces! Sit down before you have a stroke.
-You have heart pills in that canister? -Grațiela, right?
Weren't you on season three of Love Island?
Season four!
-Have you considered changing your name? -Me? The fat guy should change it!
This slut wants money again.
What now?
I'm not giving you anything. I'm not giving you any money.
Because you're a piece of shit!
The moment mom laid eyes on you, she said you were gonna fuck up my life.
Even whores have more common sense!
-The wife? -My son.
-Can you help me out? -With what?
It's obvious everyone follows your lead.
-Do you think you could… -What?
-Please make them like me! -How can I do that?
I don't know. Ask them to come in on time.
How could I ask them that?
Then just encourage them to be more productive.
I'm just an employee. I don't know how.
You know what? Screw that crap!
Do you think I enjoy being on your territory?
Don't you think I have testicles? I do!
But I act like a man and I leave my balls at the door.
Okay. Deal!
Guys! Listen up! He has testicles!
Can I take another one? I have a twin that eats a lot.
And this is for my twin cousin. He's a good guy.
-Take as much as you need. -Thank you!
As team leader,
it is my duty to place the team's needs first.
-Go ahead! -You've got dessert, Onel.
It's dessert?
It's a wet paper towel. Like toilet paper, but better.
Oh yes!
Șerban, I feel so loved right now.
Can anyone tell me what this is?
Onel?
-Balls! -What? No!
-Two balls. -No.
Can anyone tell me what this looks like now?
Șerban!
-Two hairy balls? -Synergy!
It's obvious it's synergy!
I'm sorry. It's just… it's synergy.
Does anyone know what synergy is? Of course not!
The coordination between two entities to gain an effect
greater than if taking the two individually.
-You're so stupid, Lorena! -No, no! Well done, Lorena! She's right!
-'Well done, Lorena!' -No, dude. Listen up.
It means that two balls together
are better than one.
Okay. Apparently we'll go with testicles.
Right.
Let's presume this is our company. And it has…
-The shape of a dick. -…multiple layers.
-Up here we have the top of… -The dick.
…pyramid. Leaders.
-Here we have… -The middle of the dick.
The middle class.
Employees.
-And here we have… -The base of the penis.
Close enough.
'Low'. Now, what's missing here?
An onion?
-No. -A pussy.
What does it mean? What does it stand for?
-Sauron's Eye? -A black hole?
-The Virgin Mary? -The client!
Look, it's really--
-OK. Now then. Who are we? -The foreskin.
-What's our mission? -To screw the client.
-To get? -Added value.
And this, my friends, is the definition of capitalism.
-Make yourself comfortable. How is it? -Great! Things are moving.
Come here!
-What do you think about AI? -It represents the future.
Exactly! I'm closing down the call center.
-What? -It was Nicoleta's idea.
It's cheaper to replace operators with a robot. Watch this!
Hi. I'm Clara. Welcome to FU Global…
-What about the employees? -What about them?
-What will you do about them? -Fired!
Don't worry. Starting from September.
If you play nice and befriend Nicoleta, we'll keep seeing you here.
Why me?
-How are you doing? -He fired me.
-Help me with this. -Sure!
Ms. Nico said she can't pay me anymore.
-And who's going to clean now? -She said she has a robot.
Apparently they can vacuum and mop.
-That's exactly what you were doing. -Yeah, but the robot speaks English too.
In my day, we studied Russian.
See ya!
This chick is so hot! Swipe!
What if I get you the Happy Cup?
You think you can beat the Transylvanians?
Would that be proof that the CC department is valuable?
If you get me the cup, I'll make you project manager by Fall.
If not, at the end of the month you're all fired.
Good luck!
-I know how it sounds, but… -Fuck your trip!
I really like you guys.
And I believe this team building can bring us together.
As friends.
If you help me win the team building, in two months I'm out of your hair.
I'll leave!
-Two months? -Two months.
Why are we doing this?
They want us to do team building to make us happier.
-They should try raising our salaries. -But how would you be motivated?
Money. That would motivate me.
What the hell does "the theme is political correctness" mean?
-It seems complicated. -It's not!
We go there and fight departments from Craiova, Iași and Transylvania.
They say Cluj is the best. But they're from Cluj, after all.
-Really? Cluj? Fuck'em! -The way they speak!
Craiova is surely a bunch of nerdy wusses.
And we can just get Moldavians drunk.
Isn't a team building where people drink and have sex on the company's expense?
Free beer? I'm in!
Sex? In the vagina?
Yes, Onel. Sex in the vagina.
Șerban! Give me that vodka!
-There you go, baby! -Thanks!
-You don't drink? -I do.
-How long have you been working here? -Six years. Five too many.
Onel, take a picture.
Come on, Șerban. I don't want to see your nipples. Go away!
-We don't wanna see yours either. -What do you want?
-I'm surprised you're not team leader. -Only men get leadership roles, right?
I don't think so.
Then how did you get here? You have no call center background.
What's the deal with "political correctness"?
It's an art.
The art of offending someone without being blunt.
How do you tell someone, "Shut the fuck up, you idiot?"
You say, "I appreciate your feedback, and I'll consider it."
-And if you say, 'I don't give a fuck'? -'Send me an email.'
'Fuck you?' How do you say that? 'Suck it!'
'Kind reminder.'
BUCEGI NATURE RESERVE
MAKING DREAMS COME TRUE IN INSTALLMENTS
It's like a really big park.
Welcome to the Belmont!
Unfortunately, all the rooms are reserved for the FU Global team building.
We're from the Bucharest call center.
Let me check, please.
FU, FU...
What FU Is this? A different FU.
Sometimes you can't tell what the FU you're reading.
Found it! There were six rooms. Now there are only three.
-What? -Ms. Nicoleta made the reservation.
Where will you sleep?
What are you doing?
What every man does when he's finally away from his family.
Time to smash some pussy!
At least wait for me to leave the room.
Forgive me! Excuse me!
Close the freaking window!
-Hey! -Hey! How are you, Nico?
Kind reminder, starting from now I'm 'Ms.' to you, yes?
-How's the room? -Perfect! Thanks.
It's the radio.
I know you've never stayed at a four star, but please don't embarrass the company.
Don't get wasted!
Hey! What are you doing?
Tits--
Okay. I'll have a beer as well.
Tits!
-Are you trying to say you saw breasts? -Yes!
-Someone else arrived? -The Moldavians. They're at the pool.
Nice. We have a pool!
That one is mine!
-The first one is mine! I called it. -That's mine!
Stop it! Don't embarrass me, please.
-Hey! -Hey!
I'm Emil, and I'm senior team leader at the Bucharest call center.
They're my colleagues.
-Andreea. Logistics lead. -Lavinia.
- Sandra. Nice to meet you. -Luiza.
-Bianca. -I'm Maria.
-Yeah, cool! -Good for you!
It seems the Cluj team is late.
How about some volleyball?
-Big fan. -Onel, you're the goalkeeper.
And what did you do last night?
-Really? - Yeah.
-Sorry about earlier. Are you okay? -Yeah! I'm fine!
What challenge scares you the most?
I wouldn't say they scare me. You know how it is when you're in charge.
You have responsibilities.
-Is this your first time? -On team building? We also came last year.
The guys from Cluj won that as well.
I heard they're…
-Rough. -No. They're okay.
One of ours!
I'm more scared of the stags from Craiova.
Who?
The Internal Audit guys.
Quiet! We're here!
Hey, bro! I'm Laurențiu. Consulting manager for Internal Audit.
Hi. Emil! Senior team leader, Bucharest call center.
Great. This weekend call me 'Dread'.
I'm Resin, this is Sharky, Shabby,
Scandal and Mihai.
-Hi, everyone! -Shut the fuck up and grab the luggage!
-Hi, baby! Did you miss me? -You're still a bunch of pigs.
Yeah, and you're…
still beautiful.
Pay attention!
This is too much!
Are they for real?
Auditing isn't easy.
They count thousands of euros 14 hours a day.
They use these three days to make up for having no life the other 362.
Couldn't we be more like them?
Good afternoon!
We got hoes here as well?
Nice.
That's Horia. He's from Titan.
He survived a stroke.
Sit down and shut up!
-Dude! -Yeah!
Let's talk to the guys.
-Hi! -Don't drink too much!
-Come on. -Sure, Dad.
Look at that one.
Yo, fat guy! Bring the shade over here!
-Call it! -Head.
-Nope. -Hit him!
-Cheers! -Cheers!
Hey, guys, I know it's your first team building
and you're not used to the free stuff, but let's not get wasted.
Calm down, boss.
-Firstly, the stags are more wasted. -Firstly, the Cluj team are a pity bunch.
They haven't even made it here in time.
-Cheers! -Cheers!
Cluj is here!
Hi, everyone! So nice seeing you girls.
Oy, so good to be here.
Raul! Sales Manager.
These are my colleagues. But I'll let them introduce themselves, as is right.
-Tase! My highest esteem goes out to you. -Erika! I congratulate you already.
-Why are they talking funny? -Funny how?
-Like they're lying. -Kika! I bow to you.
Popa! Aka Brain. I love you all.
Paul! So sorry for being late.
Don't worry. That's just your genes. A bit slower.
We were supposed to be here at 12:00,
but we decided to stop for a few hours to meditate at Simidiu.
-Do you know where that is? -Close to Blabanos.
Did you hear that?
Are these villages or flowers?
So funny!
There were two priests reconditioning an orphanage and we just had to help.
I'm gonna cry.
We cried when the little guys smiled.
Oy...
Why didn't you adopt a few, oy?
-What? -What?
-You don't joke about that. -I'm so happy to see you.
Let's check you in! The challenges begin tomorrow.
Easy!
She spent two seconds with them and now she already talks like them.
How are they so fucking perfect?
I want one too.
Jesus! Lorena, cover up your lungs before you catch a cold.
They're breasts, not lungs, moron. Suck a fucking dick!
-Wow, guys! -You're a slut!
-Fuck off! -Dumbass!
Guys! Stop it!
Let's go mingle and show them they don't intimidate us.
Watch this!
Hey, dude!
Where can I get something to smoke?
Hi! Want to drink a beer? Beer! Grab a beer?
Oy! No, thank you. Sorry, I don't drink beer.
I only drink liquor made by my gramps,
who instilled in me a deep love of nature, especially--
Triathlon is my passion. But I also love curling, and--
Yoga. It's so good for you. It relaxes all your joints.
And here, this bruise I got when I fell off the bike
on our ecologically illuminated biker rails in Cluj--
Between the free parking
and the five-star vegan restaurant
built in a mansion that dates back to when Austria was--
We would have been years ahead of the South easily--
Easily.
-I fucking hate them! -Stop it! Mountains are nice. Mountains!
I'll go drink with the guys from Craiova. Are you coming, dude?
Let me be, dude!
What's with this chick? Come on!
Onel! Not like that!
Wait! Onel!
BABY EAGLE
-Cheers! -Cheers!
God bless!
You know what I love about you guys?
That you don't give a fuck about this.
That's because we didn't come to win.
We came to get wasted and to finally get away from our families.
Bro, I have a bit of cokes.
-Do you want some 'cokes'? -What's 'cokes'?
-Dust from the wings of angels. -Then I'd like a bit.
Brother!
-We'll start our own software company. -And sell trips to the Danube Delta.
-Give it to him! -Do it!
Hey! Whatcha doin'?
We're playing potato to the sack. Ever played that?
You have to catch a potato in your nuts. If you miss it, we kick your ass.
Best game ever!
Seems simple, but you need good pelvis movement.
Hit him!
What was that?
I'll fucking kill you all! Enough!
Hey!
-You got the wrong room. -I got drunk and now I wanna fuck.
With whom?
-No! -No? Why?
Cause we're colleagues?
What happens in team building, stays in team building. Bossman!
Sorry!
You check out all the girls here, but not me, right?
I don't count for you?
Lorena isn't a woman! Lorena is one of the guys!
No! Why would you say that? That's not how it is.
You're just part of the team. Don't you want that?
I want someone to look my ass.
I haven't had sex in a year. I thought I'd fuck someone here.
So we can both regret it the next day.
Then we'll stop talking for half a year. Like normal people do.
I swear that no man can make a woman feel regret as much as I can.
It's just that I just broke up with someone, and I can't. For various reasons.
But I respect you as a human being, colleague and woman.
You fucking pussy!
It feels so good inside!
Oy!
Down!
Welcome to the Happiness Cup! A FU Global tradition since 2017.
There are four challenges.
The team that wins one earns a smiley face.
At the end, the team with the most smiley faces wins.
And, as we're used by now, the Transylvanians win all the smiles.
Are you ready? We will start with… Marian!
Team Trivia!
JESUS
-He died for our sins. -Vadim. Corneliu Vadim Tudor.
No...
He betrayed Craiova.
All!
-We all have! True! -We're all here!
BECALI
-Money. Wool. Politics. -Jews. Soros.
Jews, right?
-She's married. -She's married.
-She wears colorful outfits. -Colorful outfits.
-Blond hair. -Blond hair.
EINSTEIN
E = mc².
Albert Einstein. March 14th, 1879.
-Window. Billionaire. He invented… -Gates.
Controlled by Jews, who want to exterminate us all.
Okay!
Team Trust is based on absolute trust in your teammates.
Oh my God!
Good job, bro!
Come on, guys! We can do this.
-Where's Horia? -Hey, guys!
This is how we do it!
-Are you okay? -God?
Is that You?
You finally broke the elevator. Help me up.
What? That's it? Is it Monday already? It was fun!
See you next year!
-I guess it counts. You get the point. -Yes!
That's how you do it!
TEAM CLUJ - IAȘI - BUCHAREST - CRAIOVA
-Great comeback. -It's just one point.
Still, no one expected it.
I know my team!
I'm happy to see a different kind of people at these events.
I hope those monsters don't scare you too much.
-A shot? -I don't drink.
Why? Are you a wuss?
-What? -It's okay to take a sip once in a while.
Just don't tell my colleagues.
Congratulations! You won one point.
-Too bad it will be your last. -It won't be our last.
Looking at you monkeys, I won't have to wait a few months to shut you down.
I have complete confidence you'll do that by yourselves by Monday.
My dears, the next one is my favorite challenge: Team Karaoke.
I look forward to seeing which songs you've prepared for this.
You start, Craiova!
I don't have a gang, I have men in black
I appear like the Antichrist And they bow in front of me
Half of them have pure souls The other half are broken
I sweep them off
I'm free at the seaside
I'm with you at the beach We're making love on the hot sand
I'm not a nice girl anymore
This song is for all the women in this team building.
When I'm with you and I feel good
-I just follow my heart -I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
The sea is blue, you're beautiful.
I just follow my heart
Sunny outside, spring all around
I just follow my heart
Don't ask
I just follow my heart
Yeah!
Amazing! Congrats! I love Horia Brenciu!
Bravo! Well done!
Bucharest is next! Applause, please!
Big assholes, small assholes Girls with small tits
With big tits or filled with silicone They all gathered here
Big holes, small holes!
Thank you, Dorina! Amazing, well done!
We're still choosing our song. Just on sec.
-Where did you learn that? -From my first boyfriend, when I was 13.
-Wow! Where did you grow up? -In Colentina.
I see your torment And I see you don't dare
To tell me what's going on
But I know that you can't hide
Don't look for another way Hot hands once more
And another night of longing Other hands are reaching to you
But you'll always be
Simply passing by
You don't know what to tell me I see that you're searching
Words full of lies
But it's no use
Because you've always been
An actor in a hurry
Who delivers his line and leaves smilingly
An actor in a hurry who already forgot
What he said on stage
An actor in a hurry
Who leaves right after the play
Happy that the part was easy
He has the voice of an angel. A stupid angel.
Another stage
-Bravo! -Onel!
Onel!
-Cheers to Onel! -To Onel!
Thank you.
Where did you learn to sing like that?
-In the shower. When I was a kid. -You must have showered a lot!
Not at all. My parents used to lock me up in there when they went out.
And leave the music on so I wouldn't feel alone.
-That's for dogs, not for humans. -Oh, no. They always took Bobby.
It's obvious to everyone who deserves to win the karaoke round, right?
Onel!
Congratulations to team Transylvanial!
Boo! Thieves!
-Thieves! -Enough!
-Thieves! -Stop it!
I have a surprise for all of you.
Mr. Oprea just checked in
and he will join us for this year's team building.
Applause!
Go, Mr. Oprea!
Raul! Let's go to bed,
'cause tomorrow morning we're doing cardio before breakfast.
Let's sync our watches for yoga.
Speaking of yoga, I might as well have a drink.
-Dad taught me to do it this way. -No way!
Bro! The only way to impress in the sack is to do the alphabet.
But before. If you do it after, it's like admitting you're a bad lay.
The alphabet?
Pay attention!
-You stick your head between the legs. -Like this. I'll help.
-I'm the woman. -He's… I'm…
-I'm you, and he's his wife. -Get to it already!
-And you start with your tongue: A, B, C… -A, B, C--
This is simple, because it's half of O.
-And women like that? -Listen to this guy!
This is how I apologize to my wife. I tend to make mistakes!
But be careful never to do Z! Never Z! Got it?
-I really liked you guys. -Thanks.
Don't worry about it. A great leader knows when to admit defeat.
Really? Does he?
Yes.
What was that song your colleague sang? What was the beginning again?
Oh yeah.
'Small derriere, big derriere.
Women with small breasts, big breasts.' I don't really remember.
You're upset!
Be happy!
It's the last night here. We're in the middle of nowhere.
-Does your boss know where you are? -Who cares?
What can she do? Fire me?
I can get another job tomorrow.
As long as I have no installments, I'm free to do whatever I want.
-You're right! -Yup!
-Fudge it! -Yes!
Fudge it! Fudge it!
I'm so wild.
-You plan on getting in this company? -No!
I just want some peace and quiet. My own place.
Your B&B.
Not follow orders.
-Be able to take care… -Of yourself.
I'm sorry! Thank you. You're really beautiful,
but the company strictly forbids any sexual relations between employees.
I want you to spank me while I spit on your back.
Excuse me?
Technically, it isn't sex.
Yup! That's an erection!
-Let's go! -Man!
-Give me the tobacco. -There you go!
Open it.
So that's what Sartre was saying.
-What's that? I saw you, Onel! -Fuck me!
Stop running away! I saw you!
What's that? I hope it's not what I think!
Mr. Oprea! Apologies, but these thugs brought drugs here.
Even though our policy forbids it!
I'm deeply disappointed that you brought…
this here and hide like rats.
So you can smoke this…
without your bro here!
-You got tobacco? I have paper. -I have everything.
-Nicoleta, sit down! -Sit down!
You scared the shit out of me.
How was it?
That was amazing, bro!
These will make you listen to reggae, Nicoleta!
This is serious stuff, Nicoleta! Serious stuff!
Take it in! Hold it!
Say this: 'The priest's horses go across, smoke is coming out their ass'.
The priest's horses go across, smoke is coming out their ass.
Let it out. Again.
My sweet Mom messaged me asking if I'd eaten.
Truth is, I haven't in two days and everything is closed now.
Indeed, everything is closed.
-Room service is open till midnight. -Shut the hell up!
Shut it, Mike!
-I want real food from home! -Yeah, real food!
I want a juicy sausage like Mom used to make at home
after gassing the pig.
Oh, yeah! Real sausage!
And cow cheese, so white and fresh that you can almost taste the cow.
-True! -And above all, some leek.
Where the fuck would we get leek up here, in the mountains?
-Call a delivery guy. -They won't come!
Hold him down, I'm almost done.
LEEKZILIA
-Do it! -Sit still, dude!
-You sang okay. -Really?
So what?
-For an ugly man. -You're ugly, you…
-Gramercy! -An offering for our dearly departed.
Sometimes I look at the stars and my head starts to hurt.
-That's from the 5G satellites. -What's that?
It's Freemasonry's plan to control us and keep us poor.
You're so smart!
-What's that? -Come on, Vlady! Turn that wheel!
Papa wants a full of Jacks!
If you don't take risks, you don't get drinks!
-Bonus! Go! -Who the fuck calls at this hour?
-With whom do I have the pleasure? -Hello! We're from Vlad Casino.
You went over the losing limit.
Listen to this bitch.
-Okay, Ma'am, just one last spin. -It's not possible. I'm sorry!
-I can feel you're really beautiful. -Still not possible.
Come on, lady!
-What's happening? -She's not letting me spin.
-Hello. I wanna speak to your boss. -My boss?
Vlady! I know he's there. I'm here with the guys.
-Guys, say hello to Vlady! -Hi, Vlady!
-Put Vlady on, please. -Vlady is a cartoon character.
Vlady! My man! Are you there?
Hello, my man! I'm closing for the night! Going home to my little vamps.
-Go to sleep everyone! -Got it!
Thanks, Vlady. Kisses!
Is that a blue whale?
Did you write 'Go, Steaua!'?
So?
What did you do last night?
-Nothing! -I didn't do anything either.
Where'd you go last night, jackass? I could eat you whole, you cute boy, you!
Sit down.
-Why is Oprea allowing this? -Nature's circle of life.
Oprea might be the lion,
but even he fears a money checkup from the jackals.
-Whatever! -My dears--
today is about learning to cooperate in the most difficult situations,
like a fantastic team.
-'Fan' as in 'fun'. -You go, Nicoleta!
I expect all of you on the Happy Meadow.
-I can't do anything while I'm drunk. -Stop the bullshit! Of course you can.
This country was built on alcohol. It's being lead on alcohol.
-And you need alcohol to live in it. -Yes!
And I told them, "Sure! I'll give it to you."
Please get in line to get it.
Get in line.
This is first class humor.
Nico, I want these guys in Bucharest.
Just come for one year. So I can win the Cup for once. Name your price.
-You got drunk last night? -No, I don't drink.
Look how scared he is! Don't worry, I know my people.
-You see that phony? -Which one?
The one on the left. He thinks he's the big dick here.
He wants to take my place.
I heard you won one point. Good job.
-Thank you. -Not good enough.
You remember our deal.
I want you to win this, not just participate.
Dear all, there's only one outdoor challenge left.
Team spirit means everything. It's time for Team Power.
If the Transylvanians win another one, everything will be lost.
Let's focus and do this.
Courage!
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-Synergy! -Let's fuck them!
Not what I had in mind.
Don't let them win. Pull!
How did they manage to win?
Yeah, girls!
Get over here, baby! Come here!
You got a little dirty, girl!
-Are you ready? -Yeah!
-Stay focused! Everything is good! -That's not fair. There's only four left.
Then let's make it fair. Hold this.
Nicoleta!
You're the man! I love you, dude!
-I saved you this spot. -Put your hands there!
-Ready? -Yes!
Go!
Pull!
-Bring on the Cup! -We won!
Oy!
-What was that? -No way we're getting Mr. Oprea dirty.
I have installments. For the house, the car, the dog--
Dumbass contest! Do you have any idea how much this watch costs?
-Freaking contest! Crazy shit! -They're badmouthing!
Okay, guys.
-Are you thinking what I'm thinking? -Let's fuck them up the ass!
Okay. We should plan this.
Yeah!
Good job?
Good job!
My dears, now it looks like there's a tie.
Let's clean up for the last challenge.
Because Bucharest won by playing dirty in rope pulling,
we have a tie for the first time ever in the Happy Cup.
-Still, FU Global supports equality-- -Enough, Nicoleta!
Someone has to win.
In the middle of the court we have the Happy Flag.
The team that gets it and places it in the adversary's team base, wins.
Good luck!
Transylvania!
Last challenge, everyone.
-No-- -Problem!
Don't forget what we have learned. It's not important for us to win,
but for the others to lose.
No-- problem!
Let's do this!
Make everyone suffer!
Transylvania is number one!
How the hell do these guys shoot so goddamn well?
They're hidden inside the base. Brain, we need a plan.
This is too easy. Like taking candy from a baby.
Everything is set.
Hey!
Onel, don't!
Tits!
Horia, don't!
Horia!
-Is it you, God? -No! I'm the real Horia Brenciu.
-I just can't shake this guy. -Don't worry. It won't be long.
It's not your time yet.
I brought you here, because you need to change.
Horia…
Life should be lived joyfully. Not constantly bickering.
I can't believe this shit!
There won't be anyone left if you continue acting like this.
You, the other Horia Brenciu, who obviously isn't me.
Take it easy. Love your family, help your colleagues.
Emil needs you.
You have to win this or Oprea will fire every one of you.
-What can I do? -It's easy.
Your superpower is to make everyone feel like shit.
-Yeah. -You can use it to do the opposite.
Give Emil back his confidence. Everything is in your hands.
Not literally.
I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, real Horia Brenciu.
Everything will work out. I'll wait for you at the end.
-In Heaven? -At my concert!
On the 27th and 28th November.
HB Orchestra, ballet. Only 140 lei.
By the way, when you wake up, Shabby doesn't brush his teeth!
You got everything under control. Good luck, Horia!
Live your life.
Follow your heart
-What the flying fuck? -I was helping you, bro!
Did you eat onions? Or was it me?
Time out.
Emil?
Come here! Come!
I told you to let me shut them down. They're useless!
Thanks. This year, Cluj will take the Cup again.
Useless!
-What did you do, bossman? -Why didn't you say anything?
Guys!
I can only say insulting things towards capitalism.
Guys, if we win, no one will fire you. If we win, it will be fine.
But what if we don't? I'll die. It's all my fault.
What have you done, Emil?
Are you okay?
Guys, I think I don't hate my life anymore.
What's wrong with him?
Hey! A little panic attack. Don't worry about it.
See you tomorrow at the office. Please, leave the reports on the desk.
I tried!
Why didn't you tell us he wants to shut us down?
I didn't want to put pressure on you.
Do you think you're the only one suffering from anxiety?
Look at this face. See any movement?
No! You know why? Because I've embraced my anxiety.
And when I was hugging it, and felt all warm and cuddly,
I bent forward, I took a rock, and I fucking hit it.
Then it fell to the ground. You know what I did next?
I kneeled down and fucked the bitch.
Got it? I fucked it. And now I'm all good.
What the fuck was that noise? A bear? I don't give a fuck if it's a bear!
Feeling better?
Yes!
Okay! All good. I'm okay now!
Bitch. We don't want to get fired. What's our next move?
What now, boss?
Boss? No one called me 'boss' before.
That's what you call someone you think is beneath you.
I'm serious. You wanted to be leader. Now you can do that. Delegate!
Okay. Come here!
Șerban, you ran from the police all your life, so you're the fastest.
-I need you to distract them. -Yes, boss!
The rest of you…
Carry on!
-Horia! Kill them! Fuck! -Let's kill them, Emil!
Stop!
Wait a second!
-What's the hurry? -Put it down!
Kneel!
-Lick it! Lick it, bitch! -Dorina! That's a bit too much!
Yes! Go!
Yes!
Good job!
Enough!
Congratulations! I have to admit that you proved your value here.
The call center department is an essential part of FU Global.
What do you know? We're essential.
-We might rethink your position. -No, thanks!
-I'm not staying with you either. -What will you do?
I resign from FU Global.
Don't be an idiot. We can rethink your salary as well.
-Let's do it now. -These things are confidential.
-You come to HR, we negotiate, then-- -My salary is 6.650 lei plus meal tickets.
What? 6.650?
I take home 5.200!
I make 4.500 and I go everywhere around the country to sell plastic?
You have salaries?
How do you make that much? You're not even from Cluj.
What does it matter? It's important to stay together…
-Shut up, you're from Ploiești. -Dude!
Raul is from Băicoi. Tase is Moldavian.
Paul is from Călărași. Erika is from the heart of Bucharest.
-Shut the fuck up! -Stop stirring shit up!
-Shut up! -Well--
It's not okay to talk about your colleagues like that.
Wow! I'm doing okay with 5.000.
What? 5.000? I make 3.500 and do half of her work!
-Fucking bitch! -So what's the problem?
-Should we tell them Oprea's number? -Two and a half inches.
Oh, you mean money? Better not. They'll be scarred for life.
-Nicoleta! -Everyone stop!
Stop talking about your salaries!
Speaking of salaries, what's yours? Mine is four--
Holy shit!
-What the fuck did you do, bitch? -What?
-Dude! -What's your fucking problem?
Fight!
I'm gonna kill you and your family, and fuck your sister.
Guys!
Let's not resort to violence.
It's not politically correct to hit you, so please carry on.
Don't worry. For me, it's politically correct.
Nobody hits my bitch!
Stop hitting your heads. We don't have insurance for that!
Why are you so upset?
You can hit me with some head anytime, if you know what I mean.
Don't touch her!
Mihai, now you can call yourself a true resident of Craiova.
Let me kiss that little dick!
-Allow me to have the last hit. -It will be an honor.
Since you southerners started moving to Cluj,
rent has been going up constantly.
Let him go!
What are you doing?
Take it easy!
-You okay? -I can pawn this off for 3.000!
Feels so good! I haven't hit anyone in ages.
I'll hit the fudge out of you, Mr. Oprea.
Emil! Fucking swear like a man. You resigned!
Fuck me! I'll suck your dick!
Put your mother's ass on my face!
-Too much! -Emil! That's too much!
Too much?
-Is your erection back? -How do you know?
-How do you know this, dickhead? -It was obvious.
Twelve hours at the office. Overtime on weekends.
I've been there too, Emil.
I'm sorry things went this way and I didn't know how to value you better.
Not as an employee. As a friend.
-Really? -Nope!
ONE YEAR LATER
Did I wear you out last night? I'll wear the leash tonight.
A hand, maybe?
Yeah. Easy!
I'm okay, Mom! I went to the doctor, I'm fucking fine!
Sorry.
Maria? She's fine. Shy, as usual.
Kisses!
-Boss! Or is it 'owner'? -Owner only after I pay the installments.
-Hi, ma'am! -I'm so happy you guys are here!
Did we forget you here last year?
These are Vadim and Decebal.
Yes! We'll schedule something for Monday.
Talk later. I'm at the team building now with my employees.
How is the entrepreneur's life?
-You tell us. -Depends on your associates.
FU A.I.
What tattoo?
Should I send some guys to 'talk' some sense into you?
I know where you live. With me! Daddy loves you! Bye!
-Family life, you know how it is. -Welcome to Kind Reminder.
Have a peaceful team building, `guys`!
-Good afternoon! -Welcome!
Oh God!
Who are those?
The stags from Craiova.
To get completely fucked up is a true art! Let's paint with our livers!
THE END
TEAMBUILDING WILL BE BACK
This movie was made possible with the help of the Romanian Government.
Probably.