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- This is my last trick.
Watch carefully, when I'm done, I'll tell you how it works.
- Right now around the world,
there are about 80 million people, fucking.
Some of them are even getting pregnant.
Which is what I'm trying to do myself, tonight.
You know, when you undress a woman with your eyes,
that's just half the story.
'Cause once the woman says "Yes,"
and we do more often than you think,
it's the woman who sooner or later sees a man naked.
I'll put it on your tab.
And I don't mean buck naked, I mean what's beneath the skin,
behind your eyes, inside your heart.
It's a whole lot more complicated than just plain fucking.
Funny thing is, it's not the sex you come here for, is it?
It's something else.
- One!
- I know you.
You're that comedian.
- Ah, yeah.
- You're funny. You're really funny.
Uh, thanks.
- Can you?
Could you?
Never mind.
- Oh, what?
- Could you do that thing thing you do?
- Oh.
I'd rather not.
- Okay.
- Unless, you know, you wanna give me a little...
- What?
- A little discount.
- You want me to give you a discount
just because you do some stupid joke?
Well, you're the one who wanted.
- Oh come, you won't just do it?
- Oh God.
Okay.
- Hubba Bubba Dubba!
- All the dumb things men do to get laid, like talking.
You wanna be sexy?
Just shut up.
Otherwise you run the risk of telling us too much
about your mother, or your wife.
Don't get me wrong,
gettin' laid is what makes the world go 'round.
It's an absolute necessity for my business.
Hey, who's wearing too much aftershave?
- What did you order?
You must have some wine.
This is my favorite, 1987 Chateau Margaux.
I'll buy you a case, send it to your house!
Oh,
I see the people walking by.
- I got a stand-up routine for you.
- Really?
- You betcha, you wanna hear it?
- I kinda rather you just show me.
- Okay.
You got the money?
- Well, I thought you were gon' give me a discount?
- For what?
- You know, the hubba hubba stuff.
- Oh, we didn't discuss that.
- Oh yeah we did,
Remember I specifically asked if you'd give me a discount.
- Did I agree to the terms?
- Terms?
- Did I agree, either verbally or on paper
to provide you with a discount?
Okay, how much?
- 500.
- I can't believe you're gon' charge me that much.
- How much do you think these things usually cost?
- Look, what if I, say, gave you, my, say, autograph?
- How much is that worth?
- I dunno, 400 or so.
- Dollars?
- Mm-hmm.
- Your autograph isn't not worth that much.
You don't think I'm worth 500 measly dollars?
- I'm sure you are- - Just because you're
some big-shot celebrity, been on TV,
makes you any better than me, okay?
Well. No one said-
- I should charge you extra, for the insult.
- Look, I'm going home.
- Fine.
Your loss, buddy.
- Somehow I'll survive.
- You know, you're a very disturbed person.
- What?
- That's why you come to see people like me.
- Oh, you my therapist now?
- Otherwise, you'd have a girlfriend.
- Well, for your information, I do have a girlfriend.
- And you're cheating on her?
With me?
Oh my God!
- You really are nuts, you know that?
- What did you say?
- You are. You are really crazy.
- I'm not crazy.
- You get out of the way.
- You take that back.
- You get away from that door!
- No.
The women.
Mostly the women.
Wooh!
And in the morning, their hair still wet from the shower,
the women, so beautiful and naked in their shower
I live through you, you know that.
Oww!
- Hubba Bubba!
Oh my God.
- Another fucking birthday.
Feel the magic.
You guys all have one thing in common.
You're so damn funny to watch.
Though I gotta say,
turn 'em upside down, they all look the same.
It's such a guy thing.
- I teach yoga.
Breath of life.
- Women don't look at men that way.
We could if we wanted to.
Hey, Brit, I need you to spell me at nine, Okay?
- Hot date?
- None of your damn business.
- You must have a beautiful name or I will surely die.
- Florida.
- Florida!
But why not Nebraska or Carolina?
Or Marina Del Rey
I call you Marina!
- Sure. Why Not.
- Marina, this is more sexy name for you.
The water, the boats slipping in and out of the docks,
this is so much more sexy.
Please, you will have some wine?
- Just a diet coke, no ice.
- No, you must taste this wine, 1987 Chateau Margaux.
- Diet coke, no ice. Thanks.
So, what's your name?
- Marcello. Mastroianni.
- You don't happen to have any mouthwash?
Never mind.
Look, I know you've probably heard this before, I'm married.
I'm married.
But.
I'm just not a very good liar.
She always knows when I've snuck a Snickers
out of the fridge, or when I smoke.
Boy oh boy, she hate when I smoke.
So she'd smell me. And you.
Course, she's been really busy lately.
And I'm still young.
You know in Europe, men have wives and mistresses.
(Sitar Music
- I can do this for one hour, 10 minutes.
The Yogi Kutamanda,
could remain in this position for 48 hours.
One woman died of pleasure afterward.
Died!
So many orgasms, oh, she could not breathe.
- I mean, in Europe, they sit around a café.
You can't exactly do that here.
I mean there's Seattle's Best and Starbucks.
I kinda like, you know, prefer the chai latte at Starbucks.
Sprinkles, and the nutmeg they put on it.
Did you know that seven-year itch
is a biologically-based phenomenon?
That deer and bears and, you know, animals,
they take seven years to have and wean their young.
And then they move on and start a whole other family!
They're like serial monogamists!
So maybe I'm just in the seven-year-itch part, huh!
- Do it to me!
- Oh, yeah, baby, do it to me.
Do it to me.
Oh yeah baby!
- Wait! Boston Bruins! Boston Bruins! Boston Bruins!
- I've only been married, four years.
But we dated for four, no, five years.
So I'm either too early or too late.
If you count dating.
My therapist tells me I need to have
a fuller experience of my masculinity.
I guess he's just trying to say that
as men, we all make mistakes and I should, you know,
take my turn.
- So what can I do for you?
- What are my choices?
- You know the choices.
- Ah, tell them to me. Is so much more sexy.
Ah, you women, on your knees you have all the power.
Should you ever stand, we men are finished.
- What you're paying, I can go around the world with you.
- Can you go around the world in 450 days?
- I can go anywhere you want, baby. 750.
- But if I already know it's a mistake,
then it's not really a mistake, is it?
Although there could be ramifications I am not aware of.
Which makes it a mistake.
So, this is a mistake, coming to you.
Not that you're a mistake.
Just, you know, coming to see you.
- Boston Bruins! Boston Bruins! Boston Bruins!
Whenever my Pranayama breath begins to fail,
I think of hockey, the Boston Bruins specifically.
- You know, maybe we should get to know each other first.
We could get some coffee.
Maybe even take in a play at night.
At night, I forgot, your prime time.
So, maybe, you know, there's this Italian film festival,
Rosalini and De Sica.
- Boston Bruins! Boston Bruins!
Boston Bruins! Boston Bruins!
No, coffee, coffee sounds better.
Yeah, so we'll get some coffee
and then we'll, whoa!
- Whooo!
I'm taking these drugs,
that make me feel like shit.
Clomid, Myradol.
And on the back here, it says, "Symptoms may include
severe headaches, mood swings, nausea, hot flashes."
I guess it makes being pregnant downright pleasurable
in comparison.
- How much money do you make in one year? 200,000? More?
- Yeah. Good luck.
- You make less?
- Maybe.
- What if I could pay you one million dollars?
- What, I gotta kill somebody?
- Oh my darling, so much not killing.
- Yeah. This is getting weird. I'm gotta go.
- Ah! A tough negotiator! You must be a Capricorn!
- No.
So, are we on the same boat or not?
Si, Madonna, you American women, nothing fools you, yes?
- Yes.
Taurus.
- Ah, I knew it!
The bull.
Stubborn. But so sexy.
Aowwww!
You are fiery. I love this in a woman.
I will pay you 2000.
- I only want 750.
- No. That is for the other thing.
I pay you to argue with me.
- 750.
- No! You must take the 2000.
- Yeah, okay you are whacked.
- This is perfetto!
- Oh!
Is this like the Kama Sutra Indian shit?
- India? No way, sister, I am from Pakistan.
- Oh, you guys from Pakistan really know what you're doing.
Oh yeah, don't stop. Don't stop! Don't stop!
- Boston Bruins, Boston Bruins.
- I'm out of here.
- Wait!
Where are you going?
Wait!
What did I do? What did I say?
You Western women,
you fuck like you are shopping for vegetables!
- Oh, God.
I look like shit.
You know, we check you guys out too.
Your butts, your hands, your faces,
we're scoping out the whole package.
Something from the prehistoric days.
Searching through the whole gene pool,
trying to keep the race evolving.
We may start out looking for a good fuck,
but sooner or later we end up looking for a good father.
Maybe that's why we end up with versions of our own dad,
I don't know.
Hello, is Richard there?
Oh. Who are you, his wife?
His mother?
What do you mean he's out of town, he can't be out of town,
we had a very, very important appointment tonight.
Well people don't just go out of town,
they go someplace I mean.
Cleveland?
Nobody goes to Cleveland.
I'm sorry.
- So, I am blindfolded by Magic Girl, okay thank you.
Okay! Can I just have the cards, back. Thank you.
And I need somebody to, pick a card.
And if you're raising your hand, I can't see it.
I just assume you're right there, go ahead,
tell me when to stop.
Before I'm done.
Okay, here we go. Tell me when to stop.
- Stop. - Okay, good.
Take the top card, please.
Do not show it to me or Magic Girl.
- Give me back my card.
- We also do a thriving out-call business.
My employees don't offer much in the way of conversation.
They let the clients do the talking.
- Society invented love to try to keep the family together.
Yeah, they want you to think
there's got to be some kind of connection
between sex and the love thing.
But it just ain't true.
No, I give you an example, I mean I love to play golf.
But I don't wanna have sex with my golf partner,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Man I'd love to have sex with you,
but I don't know if I'd wanna play golf with you.
Yeah, I got this Iowa deal I've been working on for about,
oh maybe like five months, something like that, you know.
If I could get that baby to close, whoo boy!
We're talking champagne, champagne for everybody.
Yeah, big old payday!
How much you usually cost, anyway?
I mean, it don't make any difference.
I mean he's gon' pay you,
and he's gonna pay you well, you know?
I mean, I consult with this guy, you know?
I am his consultant, you know?
Yeah, he you gon' like you.
We got ourselves a little extra time here.
Great big old limousine.
Maybe you feel like making yourself
a little extra cash here, you know?
I ain't got a whole lot, I didn't bring much with me.
But, hell, he's gonna pay you enough anyway as it is.
The guy's got more money than God.
It ain't like he's gonna catch my hand in the cookie jar,
before his.
He's got everything.
How's about a look at your breasts? Huh?
Yeah? I bet you could do one of them wet-tee-shirt contests.
Whoo-hoo, yeah, I bet you could.
I went to one of them once down in Cabo, whoo hoo!
I'm tellin' you wild, I mean real wild! Yes indeed!
Them "Girls Gone Wild" totally video things,
you know what I'm sayin'?
I bet it's probably kinda tame
for what you're used to though, hey.
Yeah!
I mean, an example of that is, you're kinda short,
what are you, about 5'2", something like that?
Is that right?
Yeah?
I got an eye for height, even with you sitting down,
I can check it.
Yeah check it out get it all the time right there yeah.
I bet you'd be one hell of a little spinner-fuck.
I bet you would.
I bet I could spin you around.
I bet I could spin you around and make your head dizzy.
- How come?
How come?
There's the leather furniture and the pretty white girls
who ain't got no problems.
I cain't pay for none of that.
How come I can't fuck the pretty white girls.
I gotta fuck some nasty whore with syphilis
and gonorrhea and aids and shit.
'Cause George Bush he done it.
He put us over there in Nam. I was there.
I saw everything. They fucked up.
The brothers is all fucked up.
A whole generation of Black brothers messed up in the head.
You ain't seen no George Bush in Nam.
Huh?
Now where the fuck was he?
Hangin' out on daddy's farm,
that's where, MPs patrollin' the oil fields.
George Bush... and that Watergate thing.
Now, he the president
and I'm needin' 55 cent more for a cheeseburger.
That shit is...
How much you gon' cost? Huh?
You are skanky, girl, you are one skanky mo' fuckin' bitch.
Oh.
I can't say bitch now, can I?
I just wanna know, 'cause I go up and down these streets,
'cause I'm cold, see?
And there's all these pretty people,
and I'm thinkin', what happened?
What happened to Love and Peace?
Where'd those hippies go off to?
They all just keel over and die?
Naw! They around.
They just cut their hair, put on their good suits,
stash their jeans and beads and sewed up their pockets.
They voted for George Bush.
I mean, where'd those hippies go?
Not to the Nam, that's for damn sure.
Only black men and spics and shit.
One or two crackers in there too, but mostly it was us.
And now they back.
Them white folk, they got their BWM's
and their leather furniture
and Yankee baseball hats and warm coats.
The love generation!
They love they selves.
- Number one, have you ever paid for sex?
Number two, was it good? Very good? Dreamlike? Horrendous?
Crash and burn?
Number three, have you ever worked in a whorehouse?
Number four, have you ever taken part in group sex?
Number five, have you ever performed magic tricks in public?
Number six, have you ever performed in a dog-and-pony act?
Number seven, what does this remind you of?
Number eight, are you having sexual fantasies right now?
Number nine,
who is the object of your sexual fantasies right now?
- Wait, wait, wait.
Look at the following photographs,
would you pay to have sex with-
- Can I have a moment here?
- Sure. You need a glass of water?
- Okay.
- Come on in.
Get me a drink, would you?
Vodka martini if you know how to make it.
I'll be right back.
- Hi, I'm Sal.
- Where are we?
- It's your hotel room.
- No, I mean, what's the plan.
How does all this work?
- It's $300 for the hour.
- Good lord, it's more than my facial.
- Yeah.
But this'll get those blood vessels circulating.
It's $300.
- I know but God.
Where are you going?
- I don't negotiate on price.
- Not even if I...
- That's $400.
- Oh. Well, let's just stick to the basics.
Good.
- You take a check?
- Would you?
- I guess not.
Turn around.
- All right.
- I mean, turn and face the wall.
- Okay.
Okay. Here.
- Thanks.
- Shall we continue?
- Okay.
Is it hot in here?
- I'm feeling a little warm myself.
When was your first ejaculation?
- Somehow I expected a little romance in the deal.
- Romance'll cost you $500.
- The market rate?
- Let me tell you, you're lucky at 500.
Really?
- Yes.
Senior prom, I took this girl,
set me back $750 by the time we were done.
And that was high school.
- Did you score?
- Yeah, I scored. I always score when I want to.
- Well then.
It looks as though you chose your profession with care.
- Follow your bliss.
Of course, if I coulda done anything,
I'd've been a real estate agent.
- That's not so hard. You could do that now.
- What? Between tricks.
- Sure. Kind of a work-study program.
You could build your clientele that way.
- I can't add.
- What?
- I can't add to save my life.
But I was really good at geography, though.
- Going around the world your specialty?
- No, really.
Magellan... he's my hero.
It took balls to do what he did.
- Yeah, what was that?
- Everyone remembers Columbus, right?
Magellan, boom! Way more cool.
Magellan circumnavigated the globe.
- Circumnavigated?
- Yeah, went around the world, in a boat in 1522.
Now, considering everyone else thought the world was flat,
Magellan, this guy. He's like Kobe or Shaq or something.
I mean, think about it,
no refrigerators, no telephones, no GPS,
no radar, no electri-
- We're not here for a geography lesson, are we? Sal.
- I think there's some exploring I can do.
- Ever had sex with a partner of the same sex?
Ever had a partner of no sex?
- Wait, what does that mean?
- Have you ever had no sex?
- Do you mean, have I ever been celibate?
- How often do you masturbate?
- Can I just write these down?
- The purpose of this study is to monitor the physical
and physiological responses to verbal
as well as visual stimuli.
- But I'm embarrassed.
- I think that's evident.
- Can't we just skip this part?
- Fine.
- Do I still get paid the $200?
- You haven't completed the questionnaire.
- But I- - You must complete the
questionnaire or the data will be incomplete.
- How many more questions?
- Just five.
- Can't you just write them down?
- No. But I can whisper them if you'd like.
- But no one's in the room.
- You know, watching.
- People been watching us?
- Of course. It is a study, after all.
NSF isn't going to fund research
on the effects of socio-sexual behavioral patterns
without empirical data.
- You mean, scientists are watching us?
- Oh yeah, and video. Electroencephalograms.
That's why the wires and all.
- Maybe you'd better whisper.
- Okay.
- Let's just not talk, okay?
- Who's talking?
- Oh, okay.
- Besides it wasn't me yammering anyway.
- What was that?
- Nothing.
- Did you just say, yammering?
That I'm yammering? Me?
- I just want to make you happy, honey.
- Don't you honey me, Sal. You yammerer.
Oh here we go.
- Here we go, what?
- Hey. Let's just drop it, okay?
- Oh, yeah you wanna just drop it?
Next thing you know you'll be trying to take it back.
- I do. I take it back.
- Well you can't just take it back! It's been said!
- All right, you know what?
I don't have to listen to this crap.
- Oh, excuse me but who exactly is paying
for this little date?
This big romantic fuck?
- Looks like me in that special way.
- Get outta here.
Get your clothes and get out.
- There's a little settling up that we gotta do first, lady.
- We've have nothing to settle.
- It's $350 for the date.
- This is no date. This is not a date.
- Yes it is.
- And you said 300 before, when did it become 350?
- It's 300 for the fuck, an extra 50 because you...
touched my clothes!
- I don't owe you one red cent.
- Usually we just start breaking things
until you decide to cooperate.
- You break one thing and I'll see you in court.
- You're gonna sue me?
Why don't you just give me the extra $50
and I'll get out of your hair.
- No.
- Gimme the money!
- Put that down.
- The money!
- I know karate.
- Gimme the fuckin' money!
- You almost broke this vase!
- Oh, fuck!
Oh, you broke my fucking balls!
- Okay!
Okay, just quiet down.
- Oh, you really do know karate!
Here. Just put this on it.
- Ah Jesus Christ! Is that ice?
- That's what you use to keep the swelling down.
- Oh.
Oh God.
Oh.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Maybe I could call you some time?
- What?
- I'd like to ask you out, a date.
- Dinner? A movie?
- Yeah.
- I'm married.
- Oh.
Oh.
Does your husband know what you do for a living?
- My husband's the lead scientist on this project.
- So,
he's gonna watch our interview?
- He's been watching the entire interview, right there.
He's a scientist.
Thank you for participating in our study.
- You're good. You are very good.
Just doing my job.
- I'll say.
- You are one looney chick, you know that?
- I don't think anyone's ever called me that before.
- What, looney?
All they gotta do is look at you lady.
- It's just, I'm the CEO of my company.
And nobody would dare call me a looney chick.
- Hey, I gotta go to the hospital.
My balls are gonna fall off.
- I'll drive you.
- No, no, no-
- I'll drive you.
I hurt you, the least I can do is get you to the hospital.
- This has been some date, huh.
- Maybe we can reschedule.
- You wanna what?
- You know, maybe when you're feeling better.
- Like some time next November?
- I used to have this friend.
We'd, you know.
We called ourselves fuck buddies.
- You mean that he knew you
and he still wanted to have sex with you?
- I come to town pretty often.
We could be fuck buddies.
- Excuse me, this, is how I make my living.
- Oh, I'll pay you.
Money is no object.
- What?
That's not what you said just a few minutes ago.
- Oh, I know.
I was just.
I'm sorry.
- Wow.
- What?
- I'll bet you don't apologize much.
- No.
- Thank you. The ice helped.
- It's cold. And wet.
- I wanna start over with the date.
- I thought you said romance would cost extra.
- Next time.
- Whatever you say, baby.
- You wait.
You just wait.
I close that damn Iowa deal, yeah.
That Iowa deal, we talkin champagne, champagne
for everybody.
You just wait.
- Three!
- This is four.
- No, three!
- Four!
- Okay.
- So, how much for a blow job?
A fuck?
Around the world?
Ah, that's a little pricey for me.
I'll just take the blow job.
♪ Moments moving across the screen ♪
- No, but.
- 'Cause actually, my wife, she don't go down on me no more.
I mean she used to, when we was dating,
like a fucking vacuum cleaner.
We'd go to the movies, make out in the back row.
Oh, yeah, that's good.
I know this is kinda short notice
but tonight I'm working on this project.
Suck it hard.
Yeah.
Once she went down on me at the A&W.
- Cleveland.
I'm comin' and I turn, bam!
There's my root beer float.
Karen lifts her head, and there's jizz all over her lip.
And the waitress, she don't miss a beat, she smiles
and says, "You want some extra napkins with that?"
Oh man.
- Austin was cool, very cool.
Great in bed.
But he was a poet, you know?
- Oh, God save me from poets. And guitar players.
- Yeah. He was moody.
I never knew what mood he was gonna end up in.
Oh God, he jumped out of a window, tried to kill himself,
ended up in a fucking wheelchair, I forgot.
Loser.
- Oh man, we had fun in the old days.
- Grace, you're gonna get old just looking for lines.
Stop.
- It probably starts just as Uranus and Jupiter
go into Aries, Saturn passes into Libra,
and the sun and moon cross Cancer.
- I bought her flowers, real nice flowers,
you think that makes any difference?
- If we're lucky enough to still be standing here
after all this massive shit-storm currently raining down
on the human population, well then I say, sit back,
relax and enjoy the movie.
- Have you ever been in love?
They was right about it,
It hurts to be in love.
It hurts so much. - You want some more?
- I'll kill 'em both.
I'll find out where they are, which goddamn motel they're in
and put a bullet in their heads!
- I'll suck cock and take it up the ass
for the right dollar figure.
'Cause none of this matters.
- Hey, hey, come on, come on, come on.
Let's try again, all right?
- Not when you look at the night sky with a telescope.
- Here's more.
Is all I got.
- See, I got this telescope.
And last night, I looked up and I saw a galaxy
50 million light years away.
I'm looking at light particles that left their home
50 million years ago!
So don't try to tell me any of this matters.
Except maybe a good laugh. And a good fuck.
♪ Watching and waiting for this movie in the dark ♪
- Hey, hey, turn around. Turn around.
♪ Time slowly, fading while the actors play their part ♪
- Oh no, this is not good.
I've got to go teach a class.
Oh.
Oh, that is not good.
- All right what number's this?
- Six! - No, it's seven!
- No, six! - It's seven!
I need to borrow a ring from someone in the audience.
Any kind of a ring? Wedding ring? Anything?
Okay, if you don't give me a ring,
we can't go to intermission.
Well, last trick before intermission!
Come on now. Great.
Okay! Beautiful! Here's a ring!
Now watch very carefully as I take the ring,
put it on my finger, throw it in the air,
like so, it disappears, reach in my back pocket,
and there, on my zipped-up key ring case,
is a bunch of keys, and a ring, is this your ring, Ma'am?
Yeah!
- Okay good, you happy?
It's intermission!
Get some milk and cookies okay?
Get something to drink.
Vodka.
- I thought you weren't drinking during shows.
- What? I have to, like, pass a test to get a drink?
- Get out!
- What, I just want a drink.
- Go back to the casino. They've got six bars there.
- Grace, c'mon.
- Go away.
- I just want one fucking vodka.
- Behave?
- Yeah.
- What are you in such a good mood for?
- Why are you such a shit?
- I hate my job.
What's your excuse?
- I got dumped by some asshole for a trip to Cleveland.
- A big date?
- None of you business.
Why don't you just quit?
- Why don't you get another date?
- Point taken.
Is it the gig, or the city?
- I just wanna move on with my fucking life somehow,
and I just,
I don't know how.
- Can't go forward.
- Can't go back.
I know.
I had this date tonight with Richard.
I figured he's alone, I'm alone, we'd get together.
I even took these drugs, fertility drugs,
they made me feel like shit.
- What? You want to have a baby with this guy?
- That's the general idea.
- Wow! Congratulations.
- No, no, it didn't work out.
I had this list, you know?
Brains, looks, the whole genetic alphabet.
Richard was the guy.
It was supposed to be tonight.
- Oh.
What he just left?
- Yeah.
To Cleveland.
What's in Cleveland, huh? Nothing.
You ever think about kids?
- Think about them? I work with them every day.
- No, I mean about having, kids.
- No. They're too self-centered and spoiled.
And there's only room for one of those in my life.
- You could learn, to be less self-centered.
- Sorry.
I guess I've just done too many shows or something.
Besides, I don't wanna bring a kid
into a world this fucked up.
- I know.
Seemed to me to be the greatest act of faith.
You know, to try. Not to give up.
- Right now it's just a full-time job
trying to figure out my own life.
- You gon' go finish your show now?
- Yeah, I guess.
Thank you for the, drink.
Hey, Grace.
I used to love this one.
First time I saw it, I thought,
"That's why I got into magic."
Well, it used to cheer me up.
- Thank you for trying.
- Hey,
come back later.
If you feel like it.
- So, what's gonna happen?
Well, some say the sky will open up
and rain fire down upon our heads
the Lord will appear
and the blessed will be taken into Heaven
and the damned into hell.
In the Big FJ.
Final Judgment.
- Would you like a drink?
Of vodka of course.
I should have died years ago
from all the vodka that I drink.
Do you understand a word I'm saying?
Of course not.
How utterly delightful.
- Happy.
So glad to see you. Did you get to my last gig?
I left a message for you with the doorman.
It's okay, it was a late night anyway.
The piano was out of tune.
Oh no, they can't...
I start playing tonight, and just like that,
just like that, I stop.
'Cause I forgot, the lyrics.
I can't play the tune
if I don't remember the lyrics.
So I stopped.
My wife, that's her favorite song, she loved that song.
Oh no, they...
Arigato.
You know, we could just talk awhile.
- Yes.
You look like a bear, a dancing bear.
You might rethink your particular fashion statement.
God knows I'm not judging you,
it's just I believe the clothes make the man.
You could use some refinement
in some of your choices here, you know.
I know that we just met.
Do you read, sir?
Read, as in books?
Yes, I do seem to have quite a few of them.
I bring them along as companions on my journey.
I've read all of these, so of course,
the question would be, what next?
Reading can be something of a savior when one's alone.
Well, let me refresh your glass.
You're not much a drinker, are you friend?
- This is some window you got here.
Hey, where are you from? What city?
Let me guess, not New York.
You got too sweet a face.
I just heard a bit of an accent.
Charming though. I just thought, maybe Chicago or something.
- Chicago.
- And the blond hair.
Blond hair.
- It look real nice on you.
Your hair dresser done a real nice job.
I like it blond better.
My wife has dark hair.
Well, now with the treatments she's got a wig,
but she's real pretty, even with most of her hair gone.
She was always worried that I would go to a younger woman.
I never did. Ever.
Look at that building there.
That's real old brick.
You don't see that much anymore.
Looks kinda like a castle.
That's a coincidence, isn't it?
Do you know what that is?
That's the hospital, isn't it?
It is. I should've known.
We're on this side of the, I didn't realize.
No.
I don't wanna do anything.
I don't even know why I come up here.
You can keep the money. Here's a tip.
She was a real funny kid, my girl.
She would always laugh at my bad jokes,
even after 20 times me telling 'em.
Why, just last Tuesday, just Tuesday, just three days ago,
I got her to laugh.
She actually laughed which was hard
'cause she was hurting so bad.
I have to go.
You take care.
And be careful, 'cause it's dangerous out there.
And I'll bet there's people out there,
there's someone out there, worrying about you,
thinking about you, at this very moment.
People dying every day.
You take care.
- But I think God's smarter than that.
I think He's gonna sneak up on us.
One day, He'll just show up.
He'll have some cleaning up to do.
The air, the water, certain politicians.
But there'll be a time of peace.
Like we can take the race out of the human race.
Well, I gotta get back to studying.
Unless you've got some more disposable income
you wanna dispose on me.
See, this integral calculus needs time to sink in.
I can handle the one-variable stuff,
but the two-variable stuff is one mind-bending fuck.
Hey, you got a handle on integral calculus?
- Oh yes my, you do stay in shape, don't you?
There must be something to this gym-health-club craze, huh?
I find it a bit of a circus
with all the women prouncing around
with their silly little outfits.
I don't hate women, I just find them superficial.
They lack substance.
Always wondered, what is one to talk with them about?
My mother was a wonderful conversationalist
but even she could be limited
in the breadth of her subjects.
I just will never understand.
Never will understand.
Yes.
Would you mind?
Yes.
Do you ever get lonely, sir?
Lonely?
Do you ever feel, alone?
Oh, never mind.
Beautiful, quite, quite beautiful.
Yes, so bovine, so diamond hard.
Youth always is, somehow, so oblivious to it all.
Here you are, like Michelangelo's "David."
And I do not mean the dance club, friend. No.
I mean an artist.
An artist who loved the human form.
It seemed to keep him going.
And you are beautiful. Yes you are.
And I am drunk.
To Michelangelo.
Come here.
I am going to suck you dry.
- I love this one.
It's just so pure.
But I guess I'm kind of inconsistent, actually.
'Cause you know all these tricks,
sooner or later just become tricks.
Lies.
Show me a trick, it's like saying, lie to me.
Even this one.
If I keep doing it, sooner or later,
I'm probably gonna hate it.
But I'm gonna do it for you anyway.
- You're supposed to do this one.
- See, if I lie to you,
Magic Girl will tell you that I'm sane.
But if I tell you the truth, she'll tell you I've gone nuts.
- You're gonna blow this gig.
- Don't worry. You'll get paid.
The one-handed link.
It always worked so well in the shower.
- Marina?
I'm sleeping.
- For this I pay you?
- No, for this.
- Ow! - You pay me.
That was my union break, Marcello.
- I thought you'd never make the kiss.
- I woke up romantic.
- I could marry you.
- Make an honest woman of me? Yeah, no thank you.
- Of course, you are right.
You know why I go to escort service and not the date?
- 'Cause whores know how to fuck.
- You are so direct, my darling.
But also, the women I date want to marry me, for my money.
- Whereas I only wanna fuck you for your money.
- Yes, my darling. You are, how I say? Authentic.
This I love about you.
Come, what is your real name?
- I already told you.
- I do not believe you.
- What's your real name?
- I tell you.
- No, you lied.
I saw those Fellini movies,
you are definitely not Marcello Mastroianni.
Come on, what's your real name?
- Emilio Santangelo Tognoni.
And yours?
- Santa Lucia.
- Come on, I tell you mine, you tell me yours.
- Marilynn Monroe.
- Okay, I pay you 1,000 to tell me.
- Really, $1,000?
- $100.
- You said $1,000.
- I make mistake. My English not so good.
- I just forgot my real name.
- Okay, okay! I pay you $1,000, now you tell me your name.
- Let's see the bucks.
- After. Later.
- Now.
Maybe we get one more...
For same price?
- Maybe.
It's raining and I can't get wet.
- I'm sorry?
- It's all this sex happening.
- You're looking for a date?
- Maybe.
- Wow. I didn't think...
- You didn't think what?
- You're the boss, I didn't think...
- Shut up.
Come dance with me.
♪ I'm going crazy over you ♪
I love this song.
Oh God, why didn't I get married?
Not like I didn't have enough guys asking me.
Hey, this is the happiest place on earth, isn't it, Dave?
Disneyland's got nothing on us.
Hey, Dave?
You got any kids?
- It depends on whether or not he's talking to me.
- What does he look like?
- Takes after his mother. Good looking, not too bright.
- I bet that makes him popular with the girls, huh.
- Oh yeah.
I guess that makes him the smartest kid in his class.
So what room do you have free?
- Why don't we find out?
- Wow. Yeah.
What?
I'm sorry.
- What's so funny?
- Nothing, I...
- Bitch.
- Okay. Now, tell me your name.
- Kay Leonard.
- No.
- Yeah. Kay Eleanor Leonard.
- This name, not $1,000 name.
- Tough shit, buddy, you agreed and I got the cash.
- No, I mean merely you are too beautiful to have this name.
- I know. It's a dumb name, huh?
- You, Kay Leonard.
You have baby with me?
- What?
Are you nuts?
Get out of here!
- I want to have bambino with you.
- Okay, do not joke about this. I'm serious.
- I am serious too. Why not you want to have baby with me?
- You not exactly breaking down the doors of romance.
Just can it, okay?
Is very romantic.
- Oh, you want me to have your bambino
but you don't wanna marry me?
- No, because then is sure way to kill romance.
- But it's okay for me to vomit for three months
and then drop some kid on his head that looks just like you?
- Maybe like you too.
I pay you a lot of money.
- Okay.
- What?
- I'll do it.
- You make joke, yes?
- I make joke, no come on, let's go.
- What, now? Tonight?
- Yeah, I'm ready. And I'm gonna be a great mommy.
You know as soon as I get out of this place
and I get a house.
- Okay, wait! - We need a four-bedroom house
so that my family can come live with us.
- First maybe we talk. First we talk. We talk. We talk.
- And I want a Volvo 'cause they're really safe for kids.
- Of course. Oh, ow!
Yeah. Okay. Oh, no, no, no, no.
But first maybe we practice.
- What's there to practice, huh?
You're gonna take one of those pre-natal classes?
Learn how to change diapers and shit?
- You are such a jokey girl, mami.
- Yeah. I'm a jokey girl.
And you are one weird dude.
- And I have money. Lots and lots of money.
You know it's a good thing you know how to fuck.
- Life, she is, how do you say?
Molto complicato. Si?
Yeah. Molto complicato.
- Already you begin to learn Italian.
- 10!
This is my last trick.
Watch carefully. When I'm done, I'll tell you how it works.
- I can't believe I turned down Lance Burton
to work with you.
- So. I've been doing these tricks.
These lies, for so many years now.
It started as an easy way to meet women.
To get laid.
To control the illusion.
Funny thing about the women, though.
They always wanted me to explain the tricks.
You know, that's totally taboo for magicians.
You never give away your secrets.
But I figured, I was sleeping with them, so what the hell.
I did it. I'd give away the tricks.
And I gotta tell you something, every time,
every single time,
they would get this look on their faces,
this look of disappointment.
'Cause you're not just telling them the trick.
You're telling them there's no such thing as magic.
No perfect romance to sweep them off their feet.
After that, it was just a matter of time.
They would leave me, or I would leave them.
Usually it was mutual.
They could never get that look of disappointment
off their faces.
So, now I want to find a life
that's not filled with disappointment,
I don't care where,
just some place, authentic.
'Cause when you're in that zone,
and you're feeling authentic,
well, there's nothing disappointing about it.
So this is my last trick.
Forever.
Voi-fucking-la.
Hope you enjoyed the show.
Right. Right. I was gonna tell you how I did the trick.
Well guess what?
I lied.
- I just couldn't stay with Richard,
he's just such a shitty painter.
And Tom, lawyers, what can you say?
- Grace! - Can you come down here?
- I'm coming!
There's Kelly, he's a great businessman.
Very rich, very smart, very successful.
Finally I gotta say, he's just one shitty human being.
Mean, self-centered, no loyalty.
Short.
Too damn short for his own good.
Grace! Get down here right away!
- I am coming!
What?
- Surprise!
Happy birthday!
- Oh.
- Oh come on.
- Open it!
Come on open it.
- Are these real?
- Yeah.
- Wow! You shouldn't have.
I haven't had a pearl necklace in quite some time.
- Hi.
Hello.
Happy birthday.
- Oh, thank you.
Get back to work up there.
- Good night.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- What are you doing here?
- It's your birthday and I got you a little something.
Nice wrapping.
Okay.
Our high school yearbook?
- Give it back, I'll get you something different.
- No, no. - Come now, no really.
- I want it.
Why?
- Well, I was trying to think,
what could I possibly get you that you don't already have?
You know, me on a cop's salary and you on yours.
- There's Jeff McEwen.
- And then I remembered
that you left school two weeks
before they gave the yearbooks out, so, tadada.
- Bill Nowicki's right here.
- Yeah, I hear he's up in Canada selling cars.
- Oh, Tammy Paul. I liked her.
- Oh, I hear that she died actually, car accident.
- Oh.
Alex Racine. He was a nice guy.
- He's gone too.
- Oh, gee Keith, this is a really great gift.
- They're mostly still alive, you just have to...
- Okay.
Oh, there she is, Miranda Scanlon. How's she doing?
- Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.
- And the kids?
- Almost out of the house.
- Well if she's there, then I bet you are right here.
No, let me see.
You were really cute.
Didn't we go out once?
- To the Senior Prom.
- We did?
- Gracie, you invited me.
- Oh yeah.
That was fun.
You were nervous.
- It was my first time, y'know.
- I don't believe that.
- You couldn't tell?
- Whoo! You must've thought I was some kind of slut,
sleeping with you on the first date.
- No I'd say I had a bit of a crush on you for a while.
- You never told me that!
- I was too shy.
You were this really popular girl
and I was just this nerdy kid.
Lemme show you something here.
Voted "Most Beautiful."
- Wow!
How long'd you have a crush on me for?
- For a while.
- A while?
Bet you never got over me.
- I never did.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey, there's nothing to be sorry about.
- It's my birthday.
- Yes. Many happy returns.
- I wanna show you something. Upstairs.
- What?
What do you gonna show me?
- Just relax, just the music room.
- Wait, wait, wait.
What we gonna do?
- You ever give yourself a really great gift?
- Yeah.
- Like what?
- Just last month, I got myself a new pair of hiking boots.
- No, I mean, a really great gift.
- You know, Miranda's probably wondering
where I am about now.
- It's just this yearbook.
It's like we're psychically linked or something.
Tonight it's so...
- You think so?
- I just don't know how I missed you.
- You what?
- Missed. That you were thinking about me.
Come here, let's go.
- Gracie. - No.
- Gracie, it's just.
- No, come on.
- Wait a minute.
- This is my private room.
- Wow. - So,
did you ever fantasize about me?
Well, no, not in that way.
- What way then?
Well, y'know, I would see you around town, or at the store.
Or up here, and I'd just wonder.
- What would you wonder?
- What it would've been like for us.
Just, stuff.
- Like, sex?
- No, more like, uh, marriage, and kids and stuff.
- Marriage?
- Well yeah.
- I've got to be honest with you, Keith.
I'm not the marrying type.
- But I bet you could learn to be.
- I don't think so.
Never been able to spend more than a couple months
with a guy.
I'm not that patient.
- Yeah, but you could be, if you had the right guy.
- Oh, Keith.
Keith.
- What?
- I had this plan tonight, I even took these drugs.
- Nothing illegal I hope.
- No. Fertility drugs.
- To have a baby?
- Yeah.
To have a baby of my own.
I made an appointment, with this old flame.
I had this list of all the men in my past,
trying to find, you know, the right genes, for my baby.
- And they're coming over here tonight?
- No. No. He couldn't make it.
Guess I forgot to check on his dependability gene.
You have such sweet eyes.
- Do I?
Well, thank you.
- I had forgotten about you.
I was making these charts comparing IQ's
and bank accounts and the size of a guy's nose.
And I think all I really need for my baby is.
- Is what?
- Sweet-eyed kindness.
You could give that to me.
I just want someone to pass it onto.
Otherwise, it just disappears when we do.
- I can't do this.
- Don't, why not?
Why not?
There are men here every night, doing things with my girls,
married men, they don't think twice about it.
- That's them, it's not me.
And this is different.
This is really different.
- You'd never have to see us.
No one would know.
- I would know.
- Our baby would have your eyes.
- No, your eyes.
- Okay, my eyes. And your strong hands.
Your goodness.
And my business sense.
- You are good at business.
- And you were smart at school,
so we'd have a strong, smart, successful kid
with your hands and my eyes.
- This is getting very complicated.
- No, no, baby. It's simple. It's real simple.
'Cause I'm ready.
And you're ready.
And I want you.
- Miranda...
Miranda's...
Miranda's probably wondering where I am about now.
- Yeah. Sure.
Give her my best.
- I don't think that she would appreciate me visiting you.
- Don't give her my best then.
It'll be our secret, it's sexier that way.
Keith.
I'm sorry.
Now I feel like shit for nothing.
- Hey.
I forgot you have brown eyes.
Such beautiful, beautiful brown eyes.
- Oh fuck.
I enjoyed your show tonight.
- Good for you.
- Now is that any way to treat a fan?
- You don't exactly look like a fan.
- What's a fan look like?
- I dunno, let's just say you look too sophisticated.
So what are you doing down here?
- I'm in town for a couple days for a convention.
- Oh, I heard, a high tech thing, right?
Well, you don't look like a computer geek.
- That's the second nicest thing you've said to me.
- Well you don't. What are you? Like a programmer?
- I'm, like, a CEO.
- You have any openings?
I'm looking for a new career.
- For someone with your people skills?
I'm sure we can find you something.
- Sorry. You caught me at a weird time.
Hey, did you know that the origin of the word career
is actually of a journey?
A road.
The road we travel.
- Construction ahead.
Why don't you take a vacation?
- Yeah. I'd last about two days alone on a beach.
- I managed four days once.
Can't be alone.
And I can't be with someone.
It's terrible.
So are you gonna miss it?
- No.
You know I counted them tonight.
The tricks.
This one, I never have to do again.
I'm done with the rings, done with the ropes,
done with the doves.
No offense, Ralph.
Finito all card tricks.
- I think it's brave of you to quit like that.
- We'll see how brave I am in two months.
Is that why you stayed? To tell me that?
- Partly. It's just, you ever hear that joke?
What joke?
- You know.
Who do you have to fuck to get out of the business?
- What business?
- Any business.
- Okay, is there a punchline to this joke?
- No. That is the joke.
Who do you have to, you know, to get...
- To get out, who do you have to fuck to get out, oh.
- Yeah.
- That's funny.
Could have used that one in my routine tonight.
- Well, tonight you answered that question for me.
- I did?
- Yeah.
The answer is, no one.
You don't need to fuck anyone
to do what you know you need to do.
- Glad to see I could help.
- So where are you going?
- I dunno, New York maybe.
- No, I mean, where are you going right now?
- You want to get a drink or something?
- I wanna get dinner.
- You buying?
- How 'bout we go dutch?
What's your name?
- Can't you read? It's Magno the Magnificent.
Or Jack.
What's your name? - Nancy.
- When I was a kid, I used to have a crush on Nancy Drew.
- Hope I can live up to your expectations.
You forget, I am done with mystery.
And I have absolutely no expectations.
As of tonight, I am a blank slate. A tabula rasa.
- In that case, Jack, let's go.
I am starving.
- Don't get ahead of yourself.
- Right. Just dinner.
It's in case you get cold.
My God.
- What?
- What if it's a boy?
- That's it, come on in, have a seat.
Where's the fucking chair, get her a chair, goddammit!
That stupid bitch moved the chair.
Somebody ought to nail the fucking thing down!
Why don't you make yourself useful and get me a cappuccino!
Make sure it's hot, the last one, fucking cold.
Hot!
Yes!
Your agent sent me your resume.
Where's the fucking resume?
You're very beautiful.
You must get a lot of compliments around this town.
Lots of attention. How tall are you?
Now with heels on, you're quite, well, quite statuesque.
Of course, you know this could be a slight problem
with our star.
He's a bit, well, short.
Practically a dwarf in comparison to you.
On the other hand,
the scene is mostly of a lying down nature, isn't it?
We'll just put a pin in the whole, height issue, shall we?
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Beautiful dress you have on.
Very elegant. Shows off your legs quite nicely.
Is that your own hair?
I hope you don't mind my asking,
just these days with extensions, you can't really tell.
Hello?
Mother?
Yes.
Listen, can I call you back?
I'm in the middle of working, mother.
I'll call you back, yes, yeah.
Yeah, yes, love you too... Good-bye.
Well, let's have you read, shall we?
- How far do you wanna take this?
- Excuse me?
- The director thing.
That's cool, very cool.
Mr. Director, oh, I really, really want this role.
- You are an actress, aren't you?
- You did call Grace, didn't you?
- Grace is your, uh... manager?
- Oh, I am really, really sorry.
There's no charge. There'll be no charge.
- Actually, you really could be.
- Yes?
- Do you have any problem with nudity?
- No problem.
No problem.
No problem here.
Oh, that'll cost you extra.
No problem.
I can handle it.
- Well, um, we could meet up over there?
Say, after the day's over, at my place,
learn a bit more about the role.
And you, I mean,
you really are quite right for the part,
I just really would need to read you.
I mean have you read something