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(MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) It was Christmas Eve, babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me
Won't see another one
And then we sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain's Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you...
(LAUGHING)
Hey, this one looks good.
What in the fires of Ogord y'all think you doing?
Hey, Captain. We're just, uh... Have you ever heard of Christmas?
What?
Well, it's a celebration we have once a year on Earth,
where everybody gets presents for each other.
So, me and Kraglin made this tree and we got gifts for everyone.
It was Pete's idea.
Eh...
-And this one here's for you. -Don't come at me with no damn gifts.
What a Ravager gets, he works for. We ain't about no damn handouts.
-It's more like a sign of appreciation. -That sounds more like sentiment, boy.
That may be okay for you mushy types on Terra,
but out here in the cold rigors of space, it's what'll get you killed.
And you, you ought to know better.
Now, get this crap out of here.
If it ain't out of here before I get back,
you're both gonna be cleaning the latrines for the rest of the damn year.
-But that's Gef's favorite job. -You talking back now, Kraglin?
No.
(YELLING ANGRILY)
I hate Christmas!
And that's how Yondu ruined Christmas forever.
That is so sad.
(LAUGHS)
I like the part where Yondu kicked over the tree.
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Anyways, I just saw on the Multi-calendar
that right now on Earth, it's almost Christmastime.
So, yeah, it kind of brings back some memories.
Yondu had a point.
Ever since buying Knowhere from The Collector,
we don't have time for trivialities like Christmas.
This place needs a lot of fixing up before it's livable.
-Yeah, I reckon we've got work to do. -Yeah.
That was such a heartbreaking story.
I know. I hate stories where everybody lives.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
Cosmo, what use is telekinesis if you can't even aim?
COSMO: You wanna do it? Do it.
Just concentrate, you stupid mutt.
(BARKS)
What?
COSMO: I refuse to do any more work while you demean me.
All right, all right. I'm sorry. Chill out.
COSMO: Also, I want one of those delicious treats in that bag.
(ROCKET GROANS)
(BARKS)
(COSMO GIGGLES)
ROCKET: All right, that's it. Back to work.
BZERMIKITOKOLOK: Here he comes.
Hey, Peter.
Oh. Hi, Bzermikitokolok.
My bandmates and I have been mastering
these old Earth instruments and working on a little ditty.
And I thought you might be able to help us out
as it's about one of your Earth traditions.
-Oh? -Christmas.
Oh.
Everything I know about Christmas, I learned from Rocket,
who learned from Cosmo, who learned from Kraglin,
who learned from you.
So I thought I might just take it back to the source
and make sure I understand this all correctly.
This is, after all, a historical document.
-Okay. Yeah, sure. -Okay.
(SINGING) Out on the third planet closest to the sun
There's a special celebration And it sounds quite fun
A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone
On a holiday they call Christmas
That's perfect. Good. Bzer, good job.
Now I'm not gonna lie
Oh, there's more.
It makes no sense to me
But here's what I've discovered about this Christmas mystery
I'm super busy. Is this a long song?
One, two, three.
Santa is a furry freak with epic superpowers
He flies to every human home in under 14 hours
He's a master burglar
No.
A pro at picking locks
No.
If you don't leave milk and cookies out
He will put dung in your socks
That is not part of the lore at all.
If you act nicely through the night
And don't jump on your bed
Santa comes with sugar plums and hurls them at your head
But if you're on his naughty list
He shoots missiles at your toes
He might just roast your chestnuts
With his powerful flamethrower
No, he doesn't have a flamethrower.
Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein
That's kinda cool.
Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer
I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here
He's compelled his creepy elves to do his every wish
Huh?
One sought to be a dentist Now he's sleeping with the fish
Mrs. Claus, she works the pole Plans her man's demise
No!
Soon the elves will all rise up
And stab out Santa's eyes
I am Groot.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Earthlings are so weird
That's true.
I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Earthlings are so weird
I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here
What the heck's a turtledove?
And who lit up that deer?
I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here
Or maybe it's there Or it's somewhere
I don't know.
-You just got these instruments? -Thank you, Knowhere.
(CROWD APPLAUDING TEPIDLY)
Have you ever seen a crowd more into it?
He loved it, guys. (SIGHS IN RELIEF)
It sounds like Christmas is a wonderful time,
and Yondu ruined it for Peter.
I feel like I should do something.
-Why? -Because of, you know, my secret.
The one only you know.
That you ate the entire bowl of zarg-nuts in the commissary?
-My other secret. -That you're Quill's sister?
Why don't you just tell people the truth?
Peter's father, our father, killed his mother and tried to kill him.
I don't want him to be reminded of that every time he sees me.
No, I meant about the zarg-nuts.
Oh. I don't think anyone cares about that but you.
Maybe because I'm his sister,
I feel like I should give Peter a happy Christmas.
He's so sad about Gamora being gone.
Maybe if we gave Peter a really wonderful Christmas gift,
it would make him happy.
Well, we could give him those zarg-nuts, except you ate them all.
Get over the zarg-nuts!
-What kind of present? -Something special he will never forget.
-What about someone special? -What?
Over the years, Quill has talked about one person more than any other.
A legendary hero who has saved countless lives.
We could give him to Quill as a present.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)
-(CAR DOOR SHUTS) -(MUSIC STOPS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Kyra, hey, honey.
-KYRA: Hey, baby. -(CHUCKLES)
I can't wait for you guys to get back from New York.
-Did you get the stuff? -Yep.
Yeah, I got all the presents.
Everything is set for the perfect family Christmas.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) I don't care what the neighbors say
Christmastime is near
I don't care what anyone says
Christmas is full of cheer
All I know is that Santa's...
Wow!
I wonder which one belongs to Kevin Bacon.
(SOBBING)
Drax, why are they staring?
You put the cloaking device on like you said you did, right?
Yes.
I can plainly see that you just did it right now in front of me.
-No, I didn't. -Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.
I wish I brought Groot.
So, we'll go down into the city and ask people where Kevin Bacon is.
DRAX: Do you think Kevin Bacon is the leader of the world
or just to most people?
-I think everybody. -Oh! I'm so excited.
(BOTH LAUGH GLEEFULLY)
MAN: (SINGING) I can hear the sleigh bells coming around the bend
Here comes the darkest end
Christmas is here
(GASPS) Look.
(GIGGLING EXCITEDLY)
(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)
Steve!
-Why is he running away? -I don't know.
-Hey! -No! I'm sorry. GoBots killed his cousin.
-I'll rip your head off! -Drax! Stop being a bigot.
(BELL DINGING)
Oh. Hey, can we get a picture? Come on, guys. Come on. Ready?
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
-Okay, amazing. Thank you so much. -Thank you.
We got a picture with the God of War.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
(CROWD CHEERING AND WHOOPING)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
My dear
Is this Christmas?
Whatever happened to that festive cheer?
(LAUGHING)
(DRAX GRUNTING)
MANTIS: Could Kevin Bacon be in here?
WOMAN: (SINGING) Don't think I have the energy
To add to my already mad rush
-(MUSIC CONTINUES) -(CROWD CLAMORING)
The perfect gift for me would be
Completions and connections left from
Last year, ski shop
Encounter, most interesting
Had his number but never the time
Most of '81 passed along those lines
So deck those halls Trim those trees
Raise up cups of Christmas cheer
I just need to catch my breath
Give us your finest libations.
Have you seen Kevin Bacon anywhere?
Why would I know where Kevin Bacon is located?
Calendar picture, frozen landscape
Chilled this room for 24 days
Evergreens, sparkling snow
(HISSING)
Mmm. More.
(MANTIS GIGGLES)
(MANTIS WHOOPS)
-Come out and dance with us. -Dancing is for people who are pathetic.
(CHUCKLES)
-Well, how about a drink then? -Yes!
Two shots of tequila, please.
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) -(MANTIS LAUGHS WILDLY)
(LAUGHING HEARTILY)
(LAUGHING)
-(WHOOPING) -(LAUGHING)
I can't believe not a single one
of our new homies (HICCUPS) know where Kevin Bacon is.
There are tens of thousands of people on this planet
and we don't even know what Kevin Bacon looks like.
MAN: (SINGING) Said it was like Christmas
You wanna know where Kevin Bacon lives?
Yes.
That's 40 bucks.
Uh-oh.
I don't know where my money is.
Give it to me for free.
By the time we got to Oslo
Give me all your money.
The snow was gone
MANTIS: Drax, move faster.
MAN 1 ON TV: It won't be exactly the same as the one you have on Earth,
but I'm sure it will serve your purpose.
MAN 2: Good. Good. Now I'd like to get going
and have the toy shop operating full-blast
so that I can return to Earth for Christmas.
'Cause, you know, Mrs. Claus is a very good-natured woman. But...
Santa Claus, you will never return to Earth.
Wait.
(LAUGHING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
KEVIN: Yeah. Can I help you?
(GASPS)
Yes. We are looking for the legendary Kevin Bacon.
We're looking for the legendary Kevin Bacon.
I just said that, Drax.
Your voice is small and mousy. I think maybe he didn't hear you.
He heard. He's Kevin Bacon. He's probably got great ears.
I'm sorry, guys. I can't help you.
But wait, wait, wait, wait.
-(RINGS DOORBELL) -Hello?
-(RINGS DOORBELL CONTINUOUSLY) -Hello? Hello? Hello!
He's gone. Look what you did.
You acted weird and you made him not want to talk to us.
Sorry.
Do you think you can toss me over the gate if you...
(MANTIS EXCLAIMS)
Ow! (GRUNTS)
-What are you doing? -Tossing you over the gate.
I didn't mean right that second. I meant after I was ready.
I wasn't even done talking.
Toss you over the gate. Don't toss you over the gate.
Make up your mind.
Whoa!
(GASPS)
-I want this funny man. -Don't just take stuff.
(GASPS)
Oh.
But I guess that's what it's here for.
-(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV) -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
MANTIS: Kevin Bacon!
Kevin Bacon!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Kevin Bacon!
(DOORBELL RINGING)
-Kevin Bacon! -(BANGING ON DOOR)
Okay, guys, I don't know what you're thinking, but this is not cool.
This is private property.
Now, kindly put down my elf and my candy cane and go.
I'm calling the police right now.
(GASPS)
OPERATOR OVER PHONE: 911. What's your emergency?
You're coming with us. As a Christmas present.
911. Can I help you? Hello? Hello?
There's two... I don't know what they are. People in costumes.
(GASPS)
MAN: (SINGING) I want an alien for Christmas
Bring me an alien this year
I want a little green guy About three feet high...
(SCREECHING)
I want an alien for Christmas this year
-DRAX: Wait. -What?
I left my little funny man back in the house.
-What? -I wanna go back and get him.
But Kevin Bacon is gonna get away.
But you still have your swirly red and white curly man.
How can you possibly think this is a man?
-What is it? -I don't know. A shape?
Well, how is it fair you get to keep it and I don't?
Because I was responsible and held on to it.
Drax, do you love Peter and want to save Christmas?
Or do you want a little funny man?
Uh...
-A little funny man. -No!
(SIGHS)
(MANTIS SNARLING)
(SIREN WAILING)
-Mr. Bacon. We got your 911 call. -You gotta get these things away from me.
Hey, I'm a police officer.
I don't know what's going on here, but you need to back up or I'll shoot.
Raise your hands above your head! Stop!
-(GUN FIRES) -(DRAX CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
Stop. It tickles. Stop. I'm gonna pee my pants.
(DRAX LAUGHING)
-Sleep. -Hey!
-Sleep. -Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!
Freeze! Get on the ground! Get on the ground!
Sleep.
(SIREN WAILING)
(DRAX LAUGHS HEARTILY)
Drax! You can't just kill people.
Well, how am I supposed to know the rules if no one tells me?
Are you okay?
We are not doing anything wrong.
We are just taking the legendary hero Kevin Bacon,
to give him as a present to a friend who is sad about Christmas.
Okay.
Here.
I really wanted this, but we're even now, okay?
Sure.
That doesn't look like a man to you, does it?
A man? No.
Of course not. My friend is being an idiot.
(PANTING)
(GASPS)
You would love to come with us.
-Hey, where are we going? -First, there.
Whoa!
Coolness.
CHORUS: (SINGING) Shoo bop, shoo bop
Sha la la la la
Shoo bop, shoo bop
WOMAN: I ain't got no time for it now Oh, no, no
I got to make this holiday glow
CHORUS: Like a lightbulb
Are you friends with the Fonz?
-Who? -The Fonz.
-Fonz. He's a hero, like you. -Have the two of you ever had a team-up?
Oh. Well, the Fonz's real name is Henry Winkler.
And, yeah, I do know him. He's a very nice guy.
Would you consider grabbing dinner, like, one time a team-up?
No. Eating together is not a team-up.
Tell us, what was it like when you had to save a small town
by dancing like an idiot?
Oh. Well, that wasn't me.
That was a character that I played, Ren McCormack, in the movie, Footloose.
What?
What about when you fought and defeated
the super-strong masked killer Jason Voorhees in the woods?
Yeah.
Nope. Again, not me. Just a character I played.
And he didn't actually kill Jason.
He got stabbed through the neck with an arrow.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah.
He's an actor! He's never actually saved anyone.
-But actors are repugnant. -I know.
(RETCHING AND COUGHING)
They make me feel gross and creepy when they pretend to be someone else.
(CHUCKLES) No. Acting is a wonderful profession.
I mean, you don't get to live just one life,
you get to live so many lives...
(GROANS) We got Quill the worst gift ever. A disgusting actor!
-This is the worst day of my life! -We ruined Christmas worse than Yondu.
Peter was a child when he left Earth. His memory is all screwed up.
He doesn't remember things right.
Kevin Bacon, you have to pretend you're an actual hero,
or else Christmas is doomed.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Blimey, mate.
I can't wait to storm them Nazis on the beach.
-What are you doing? -I'm a hero, ain't I then?
I'm a private in the British Army during World War II.
No. Just your regular voice.
(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Oh. Okay. Yeah, sure, fine. Hello. I'm the Batman.
-I mean, hello. I'm Bruce Wayne. -Who is Bruce Wayne?
No! Don't be someone else. Be Kevin Bacon, but, like, if you didn't suck!
(LAUGHS)
That's something.
How weird. 'Cause, like, normally, it would really piss me off,
but I don't know.
Right now, for some reason, I just feel really great about all of it.
Hmm.
We hate you.
MAN: (SINGING) We watch the children playing
Beside the Christmas tree
Presents are wrapped up It's beautiful
And secretly the gifts you hide
The fun awaits for you inside
Christmastime has come
There'll be toys for everyone
'Cause Christmastime has come for you
I remember dreaming
-Wishing, hoping, praying for this day -(MOUTHING)
Now I sit and watch them
The little ones I love
So excited by the way
Christmastime has come
There'll be toys for everyone
'Cause Christmastime has come for you
And now the word is given
It's time to peer inside
Are you kidding me?
So anxious for your look of joy
Merry Christmas, Peter. From me and Drax and, you know,
all of us, really.
Christmastime has come
There'll be toys for everyone
'Cause Christmastime has come
For you
Oh! You guys.
There'll be toys for everyone
What did you do?
'Cause Christmastime has come
For you
(BOX THUMPING)
KEVIN: Hey, uh, guys, I'm about to pass out.
There's no air in here.
(MANTIS GIGGLES)
Ta-da!
You must be Pete. Merry Christmas!
It's Kevin Bacon. He's not a loser. He's great. We don't hate him at all.
What'd you do?
-What? -What did you do?
-We got you Kevin Bacon as a present. -You got me a human being as a present?
What better gift for the guy who has everything
than an actual human living person?
This isn't a Christmas gift! This is human trafficking!
-Yes! -It was mostly Drax's idea.
It was.
Hey, Pete, I got to stick up for these guys,
because to tell you the truth,
I am totally stoked about the whole thing, man.
-You used your powers on him, didn't you? -Maybe. I can't remember.
Get Kevin Bacon out of the trance now!
Just be what you really are.
-(SCREAMS) -(GASPS)
(SCREAMING)
Dude, calm down. We're not gonna hurt you.
-That's a talking raccoon. -I'll kill you. Don't ever call me that!
Whoa!
Sir, sir, sir. Right here, right here.
Kraglin, prepare The Bowie for his transport back to Earth.
-Aye, Captain. -Mr. Bacon, I am so sorry.
This is really embarrassing.
I know you're worried sick and your family is, too.
We're gonna get you back home immediately.
I am Groot.
Oh. Suddenly you thought it was a bad idea all along?
I am Groot.
Dude, I literally just saw you wheel him out in front of everybody.
I'm gonna let you go, Kevin Bacon. Don't run.
-You're not gonna run? -No, no. No, no, no.
(SHOUTS IN FEAR)
-Go get Kevin Bacon. -I've got it.
-Don't kill him. -NEBULA: You can't outrun me, Bacon!
Hey, that man was a plant.
Oh, Groot? He's just a kid. Sorry about all this stuff.
What's that on your head?
That is a device for controlling a flying arrow.
But I ain't quite got the hang of it yet.
I know this must all be a shock to you,
but it's only 'cause you mean a great deal to Pete that they've done it.
Pete didn't have much to love growing up,
but one thing he did love was telling us all stories about you.
-Me? -You saved a town through dancing.
And once, Pete saved the whole galaxy with dancing. For real.
You taught him how to be a hero,
and now he might just be the greatest hero alive.
Mant and these dopes,
they was just hoping you'd bring the joy of Christmas back into his heart, is all.
(FEMALE CHORUS VOCALIZING HYMNAL)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Whoa!
How on earth do you get reception up here?
Couple of good satellite dishes out front
will get you anything within about 400 million light-years.
Hi, honey.
KYRA: Are you at the house?
Yeah, no, (STAMMERS) I'm just with some friends.
Oh, okay. Well, what time do you think you'll be home?
Hey, would it be okay if I'm just a little bit late?
I got some friends here that kind of need to learn about Christmas.
(FEEDBACK WHINES)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) When we are born We are swaddled and snuggled
Whispered to, fussed over Tickled and cuddled
When we grow up things get muddled
And here it is Christmastime
Will you stop by for a piece of delicious peach pie?
While I tell you my yuletide wishes
You can help me do the dishes
'Cause here it is Christmastime
And we all want someone
Who will love us and hold us
To curl up alongside
When nights are the coldest
And we all want someone
Who will hug us and kiss us
All I want is you for Christmas
Let us examine the holiday spirit
Let the small kids sing so we can all hear it
Light up a fire and pull the chair near it
'Cause here it is Christmastime
Bucky's arm?
We all want someone
Merry Christmas.
Who will love us and hold us
To curl up alongside
When nights are the coldest
And we all want someone
Who will hug us and kiss us
All I want is you for Christmas
(GUITAR SOLO PLAYING)
(GASPS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
When we are born we are swaddled and snuggled
Whispered to, fussed over Tickled and cuddled
And when we grow up things get muddled
And here it is Christmastime
And we all want someone
Who will love us and hold us
To curl up alongside
When nights are the coldest
And we all want someone
Who will hug us and kiss us
All I want is you for Christmas
-All I want is you for Christmas -(CHUCKLES)
All I want is you for Christmas
(SONG ENDS)
(ALL CHEERING)
-The best Christmas ever. -Oh, come on. Bring it in.
Okay. All right.
-Love you, guys. -COSMO: We love you, Kevin Bacon.
ALL: Bye, Kevin Bacon.
ROCKET: See you, Kevin Bacon.
-DRAX: We love you, Kevin Bacon. -Hey, I'll see you at Easter.
Wow. I guess all actors aren't complete pieces of shit.
I can't believe you guys did all of that for me. I mean, why?
Why what?
Why would you go to the trouble of going all the way to Earth
to abduct Kevin Bacon?
Kraglin told us the story about how Yondu ruined Christmas.
So we wanted to save it for you.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm not sure Kraglin knows how that story ended.
(FEMALE CHORUS VOCALIZING HYMNAL)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
That is so sweet.
That's Yondu.
I guess I just wanted to do something special for you, because, well...
-What? -Your father, Peter.
-He might be... -Ego? He might be what?
He might be...
He is my father, too.
Wait. So does that make you my sister?
(MANTIS EXHALES DEEPLY)
Mantis, that's the greatest Christmas gift I could ever get.
(CHUCKLES)
(FEMALE CHORUS VOCALIZING HYMNAL)
-Merry Christmas, Mantis. -Merry Christmas, Peter.
MAN: (SINGING) I could have been someone
WOMAN: Well, so could anyone
You took my dreams from me when I first found you
MAN: I kept them with me, babe
I put them with my own
(BOTH LAUGH)
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you
The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas Day
(CHORUS VOCALIZING)
(FEMALE CHORUS VOCALIZING)
-Oh, come on, Groot! -COSMO: Groot ruined Christmas again.
Now we got to have another special.