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[announcer] You understand?
Right now, ladies and gentlemen, it's showtime!
♪ And now ladies and gentlemen ladies-- ladies and gentlemen ♪
♪ Pete Pete Pete Pete Davidson ♪
♪ Pete-- Pete Davidson ♪
♪ Ladies and gentlemen Pete ♪
Hello!
What's up?
♪ Pete Davidson ♪
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay.
Very, very cool. I need that more than you know.
Hey, everyone. We are here tonight to induct some of the greatest stand-ups
of all time into a place of honor we're calling The Hall.
Yes.
So welcome to the first ever Stand-Up Comedy Hall of Fame
Introduction Ceremony. I am Pete Davidson.
Yes.
The guy who took the special out of comedy special.
So we're gonna kick off this event honoring comics who passed away
and I'm pretty sure it's because they're betting, like, I might not be alive
by the time this airs.
Trust me, I think I'm a weird choice to intro a Stand-Up Hall of Fame too.
In the last few years, I've been onstage less than
the babies inside Ali Wong.
Tonight, we are honoring true legends.
Like Joan Rivers, who sparked... yeah.
Yeah.
It sparked a very fierce debate at Netflix about which face we were going to use
for her picture.
Well...
we landed on that one.
Robin Williams, who is the-- yeah.
The GOAT.
He's also the literal opposite of me in energy, talent, and body hair.
George Carlin.
The soothing-- yes.
George Carlin.
The soothing voice of the conductor on Thomas the Tank Engine.
And the guy who taught you the word cocksucker.
And of course, Richard Pryor.
Right?
Richard Pryor, he redefined comedy despite tragically giving Chevy Chase
the confidence to say the N word.
It's a real thing. Google that.
The class tonight is very special.
The Hall did their research in picking the four nominees, okay?
They didn't just select comedians that were young and trendy,
in hopes of boosting viewership.
For some reason, they think I'll do that.
Our four inductees tonight were all legitimately voted in
by a board of agents, club owners, managers, and other influential members
of the comedy community.
Which is a long-winded way of saying Jews.
It's going to be a really fun night, seriously.
We've got Mix Master Mike from The Beastie Boys deejaying.
Fucking sick.
Super tight.
And lots of great alive comedians to talk about the dead ones.
Like we got Mulaney, Chappelle, and Handler, yeah.
You could only see together these people in a really nice theater,
or an even nicer rehab.
The Hall is going to be a part of the National Comedy Center
in Jamestown, New York.
Yeah, that's a real place.
But tonight, thank God, is not about me.
It's about these legends that are finally getting the respect they deserve
on the same streaming platform that airs Is it Cake?
So let's enjoy a healthy mix of laughter and crying.
Like me when I masturbate.
And now, come on, I had to have a few little hey... zingers in there.
Want to know something really funny? I... I couldn't do...
this is the weirdest sentence I think I've ever said.
I couldn't put makeup on for this because I got a spray tan.
Which I think is the weirdest thing I've ever said.
Ever. And I asked my-- I'd never gotten a spray tan before,
I asked my boy, I was like...
"Do I do my dick and ass?"
Like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Do I get one of those Borat fucking Speedos? I had no idea.
And my boy was like,
"No, leave it white. More impressive that way."
And now, it's my honor to introduce my friend, Jon Stewart, okay?
Jon Stewart...
was recently honored with the Mark Twain award.
And is such a consummate performer, he's equally excited to be doing this.
Jon Stewart, everyone!
♪ Jon... ♪
Ho!
♪ Jon, Jon Stewart ♪
♪ Jon Stewart ♪
♪ Jon, Jon, Jon ♪
Pete Davidson!
♪ Jon, Jon Stewart Jon, Jon Stewart ♪
-♪ Jon, Jon Stewart ♪ -Thanks for being here!
Thanks to Pete Davidson. You know, there are not a lot of comics
who can come right from a duck blind to the show.
And still kill.
I'm here to induct someone that I have great respect for.
I had the pleasure of knowing for a little bit.
Mr. George Carlin.
[applause]
Let us begin.
Shit.
Piss.
Fuck.
[crowd cheers]
Sorry, scroll up.
Cunt.
[small cheer from crowd]
You don't hear enough applause for that.
Cocksucker.
[crowd cheers]
I see where the crowd's at.
Motherfucker.
[crowd cheers loudly]
You're going to love the last one.
Tits.
[crowd cheers]
Piss has got some work to do.
Cunt and tits are killing it.
1972, George Carlin uttered the seven words
you cannot say on television.
Shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
I was nine.
And I fell in love.
I didn't know any of it, what it meant, but the tits bit...
cheese tits.
It was then that George Carlin established himself
as a counter-culture hero.
But it wasn't just about saying the words. He had a point to it.
It was the absurdity that these seven words
carried power when they were just words.
They weren't deeds. They weren't thoughts.
They weren't bad intentions. They were just words.
George Carlin was arrested. Lenny Bruce was arrested.
They were sued. They were taken to court. They were brought in...
on charges for saying words.
Ladies and gentlemen, that was 50 years ago.
Today, those would be the titles of the next seven Netflix shows.
That was his moment.
You know, we're a fortunate group.
Comedians.
Even more rare is when a comedian has a moment
in the culture
when the times somehow meet the talent.
And there's an alchemy that creates greatness.
That was George Carlin in the 1970s.
He was everything!
But even more rare, almost unheard of,
is a comedian who gives up making a living on the road
to try and become a legend of the time.
And that's where George Carlin's courage and bravery,
and not enough is said about that.
This cat started in the 1960s wearing the sharkskin suit.
And the thin tie, and going on Merv Griffin.
And doing the impressions. And he was making a living.
His wife, Brenda. His young daughter, Kelly.
He bought a house. They were making it.
And he was empty.
He wasn't himself. He wasn't actualized as an artist.
And so he fucking threw it all away.
The idea that you would give up the dream of making a living
and supporting your family-- they put their house in escrow.
Because he felt he wasn't being himself. He grew a beard, he grew out his hair.
And he threw on some jeans.
And he started doing bits about Muhammad Ali getting thrown
to the wolves
for not allowing himself to be drafted into Vietnam.
And the bit was basically... Muhammad Ali beats people up
for a living. And what he said was,
"I'll beat people up, but I don't wanna kill them."
And the government said...
"If you're not gonna kill them,
we're not gonna let you beat them up."
He didn't give a shit. He just went out there.
He was an artist.
[crowd cheers]
I was fortunate enough in the '90s
to become friendly with George.
I finally got a chance to go out and spend some time with him out in Los Angeles.
I was going to interview him for a special.
He was celebrating 40 years in comedy.
We were doing it in Aspen, Colorado.
Because generally, the people that produce comedy shows have the wisdom
to take a guy whose had four heart attacks,
and have him perform where there's very little oxygen.
That's why I don't do the "HBO Is A Joke Festival."
I do the Netflix Is A Joke Special.
[applause]
Look at you people.
Displaying brand loyalty. That's very exciting.
[Jon laughs]
You know, in his later years, everybody said Carlin got real dark.
You know, he cheered for the demise of the world. That he became nihilistic.
But it wasn't that at all. It was disappointment.
I'd never been with somebody who had such empathy
for the human condition.
And I think his material in later years was just a reflection of the fact that
he was fucking truly heartbroken
about what we were doing to each other. And what we were doing to ourselves.
But the interesting thing to me was,
for a counterculture hero like George Carlin,
he really was a blue collar worker.
He'd go to his office at 9:00 a.m., and he'd sit and write.
I mean, I've never met a person
who smoked that much pot
and worked that hard.
He would write his jokes...
and then, he would get out the weed, or as he would say to me
when I was sitting in his office, "It's punch-up time."
George Carlin died in 2008.
2006 or 2007, Twitter was born.
If you go on Twitter, every now and again,
George Carlin is trending.
On a platform that he really didn't have any idea what it was.
But he'll just pop up randomly when weird shit goes down in the world.
Because as a culture, we miss his voice.
And that, for a comedian,
is the greatest honor you can give.
[applause]
We miss him.
We miss his voice.
We want to know what he would think.
Comedy's ephemeral, man. Almost nobody survives their moment.
He survived five decades
as a trenchant observer, an analyst, an absurdist, and a comedian.
And a friend, and a father, and a husband.
And a humanitarian.
He was incredible.
And I can't tell you how often I miss him.
And how much I think about him, and how grateful I was for...
even the little time that we had to spend together.
Ladies and gentlemen, George Carlin.
[applause]
[Carlin] George Carlin.
And George Carlin.
I used to be this guy.
Or maybe this guy used to be me.
I don't know. We were each other at one time.
We have more ways to describe dirty words than we actually have dirty words.
That seems a little strange to me.
It seems to indicate that somebody was awfully interested in these words.
They kept referring to them. They called them bad words, dirty.
Filthy. Foul. Vile. Vulgar.
Coarse.
In poor taste. Unseemly.
Street talk. Gutter talk. Locker room language. Barracks talk.
Bawdy. Naughty. Saucy. Raunchy.
Rude. Crude. Lewd. Lascivious. Indecent. Profane. Obscene.
Blue. Off color.
Risqué.
Suggestive.
Cursing. Cussing. Swearing.
All I could think of was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,
motherfucker, and tits!
[crowd cheers]
"Take a shit" is another one.
Take a shit?
You don't take a shit, you leave a shit.
That's the whole idea!
To leave it!
Germs. Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country?
Have you noticed this?
The media constantly running stories about all the latest infections.
Salmonella, E. Coli, Hantavirus, Bird Flu.
And Americans, they panic easily, so now, everybody's running around
scrubbing this and spraying that.
And overcooking their food. Repeatedly washing their hands
trying to avoid all contact with germs.
It's ridiculous, and it goes to ridiculous lengths.
In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection,
they swab your arm with alcohol.
Did you ever belch, and almost puke?
I never fucked a ten.
Never fucked a ten!
But one night, I fucked five two's.
Yeah.
Here's something you never hear a man say,
"Stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."
They wonder why there's no blue food.
Haven't we gone a little overboard with these colored ribbons
for different causes?
Every cause has its own colored ribbon now.
Red for AIDS. Blue for child abuse. Pink for breast cancer.
Green for the rainforest. Purple for urban violence.
I got a brown one. Know what it means? Eat shit, motherfucker!
But in the bullshit department, in the bullshit department,
a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
'Cause I got to tell you the truth, folks. I got to tell you the truth.
When it comes to bullshit,
big time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe,
in awe of the all-time champion of false promises
and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest.
Religion. Religion easily has
the greatest bullshit story ever told.
Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people
that there's an invisible man
living in the sky.
Who watches everything you do, every minute of every day.
And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do.
And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place
full of fire, and smoke, and burning, and torture, and anguish,
where he will send you to live, and suffer, and burn, and choke,
and scream, and cry forever and ever till the end of time.
But he loves you.
He loves you.
He loves you, and he needs money!
He always needs money!
He's all powerful, all perfect, all knowing, and all wise,
somehow, just can't handle money.
Religion takes in billions of dollars. They pay no taxes.
And they always need a little more.
Now, you talk about a good bullshit story.
Holy shit.
But I would like to bring you up to date on the "Comedians Health Sweepstakes."
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks
two to one.
I'm ahead. I am ahead.
That's right. Now...
However, Richard still leads me one to nothing on burning yourself up.
Well, the way it happened was, first Richard had a heart attack.
Then, I had a heart attack.
Then, Richard burned himself up.
Then, I said, fuck that, I'm going to have another heart attack.
Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion
are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
I'm a modern man. A man for the millennium.
Digital and smoke-free.
A diversified, multicultural, postmodern deconstructionist
politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.
I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant,
and a personal agenda.
You can't shut me up. You can't dumb me down.
Because I'm tireless, and I'm wireless.
I'm an alpha male on beta-blockers.
I'm a nonbeliever, and an overachiever. Laid back, but fashion forward.
Upfront, down home, low rent, high maintenance.
Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting,
oven-ready, and built to last.
I'm a hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case.
Prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child
who sends me hate mail.
A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven,
scientifically formulated medical miracle.
I've been prewashed, precooked, preheated, prescreened, preapproved,
prepackaged, postdated, freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed,
and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
[applause]
I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked, and ready to rock. Rough, tough, and hard to bluff.
I take it slow. I go with the flow. I ride with the tide.
I got glide in my stride.
Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving,
whaling and winning. I don't snooze, so I don't lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal, and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.
I'm hanging in, there ain't no doubt. And I'm hanging tough, over and out.
[applause]
It's my privilege to induct George Carlin into The Hall.
♪♪
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce our next...
I don't know what you call the people that induct better people into The Hall.
The next one of me.
He's one of my favorite comedians and people.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Mulaney.
-[DJ scratching] -[applause]
♪ John Mulaney ♪
Hey!
- ♪ John ♪ -Hello.
♪ John Mulaney ♪
Thank you, Jon. Hello, everyone. My name's John Mulaney.
[crowd cheers]
It's a pleasure to be here.
Robin Williams.
His career spanned about 38 years.
But creatively, he packed in a few centuries.
Here's what, to me, separates Robin Williams
from every other comedian.
There is no footage of Robin Williams phoning it in.
There exists no recorded moment when he wasn't giving his all.
Whether he was onstage at the Holy City Zoo,
at the Comedy Store,
at the Metropolitan Opera House in New York.
Whether he was onstage co-hosting Comic Relief for years and years.
Making hundreds of millions of dollars for medical care for the homeless.
No matter what stage he was on, yes, give it up for that.
[applause]
No matter what stage he was on, he seemed to be immersing himself
completely in the performance, and he seemed to love it totally.
Robin Williams was also in more good movies
than any human being should be allowed to be in.
I watched Good Morning, Vietnam a couple months ago.
And go back and watch that movie. Watch the first classroom scene
in that movie when Robin is teaching English
to the people in Saigon.
I've never seen a performance where someone is funnier,
and also laughing that genuinely with people in a scene.
It feels like you're watching this brilliant rehearsal.
He's great even in mediocre movies.
Remember that movie Nine Months with Hugh Grant?
Whatever. It's fine. It's all right. It's not great. It's not great.
But they know that. Robin Williams...
is in it for 15 minutes.
And he's funnier than most people's entire body of work.
He plays a Russian OB-GYN.
In one scene, who used to be the head of obstetrics
at a hospital in St. Petersburg for animals.
And he specialized in rats and monkeys.
And he says to Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore, he goes,
"After awhile, I figured you've seen one rat ass, you've seen them all."
But then, that's a very funny part, but then he goes,
he says this with such dignity.
Such quiet understatement. He goes, "And last month I received
my new license. And now, I can deliver human babies."
If you want to see an actor simultaneously elevate
what a comedic performance could be emotionally,
and what an emotional performance could be comedically,
watch Robin Williams in a movie called The Fisher King.
It is the best work on film any comic actor has ever done.
Here's an idea that I hear a lot.
Where people like to theorize that comedy all comes from a place
of pain, and sadness.
And people like to talk about comedians as if we do what we do
because of some inner darkness.
And this is especially thrown around when discussing Robin Williams.
And with all due respect, fuck off with that shit.
Like...
have a little respect for a brilliant artist
who was just more talented than you.
That's what was happening.
Making people laugh is incredibly fun.
The art form of comedy is a joy to perform.
And being a comedian is not a psychiatric condition.
Are many of us also very fucked up, myself included?
Yes! But... whatever.
You know, there are depressed people who don't even have the decency
to be great comedians.
Why don't you pick on them for a change?
I was talking to Robin's daughter, Zelda, about this.
She wrote something back to me that I wanted to read tonight.
If you don't mind.
This is from Robin's daughter, Zelda.
Talking about this idea, she said,
"This is just one person's perception of a much more complex man.
But in my eyes, so much of what Dad wanted to do
was to brighten people's lives.
Especially those he thought may need it the most.
In that way, I think his drive had much less to do with his own sadness,
and much more to do with lifting the world's.
He'd go to homeless shelters and sit alone with them for hours.
He rode in triathlons for challenged athletes foundations.
And he would make all the other folks laugh on the long journey.
He went to hospitals. He went to army bases.
To anywhere laughter was needed.
He loved knowing that at the darkest moments,
laughter really is the most incredible salve for the soul.
And it remains, in my eyes, one of the hardest, most precious gifts
a human can give another.
My dad truly was happiest when he was making others happy.
Always."
Well...
[applause]
And what more could you say about a comedian or a person?
Ladies and gentlemen, Robin Williams.
[applause]
Is there someone here tonight that feels the need to be healed by comedy?
Is there anyone here?
Look!
The moon, like a testicle, hangs low in the sky.
What sound or noise do you love?
[fart noise]
[laughter]
Is there a deaf signer here?
Oh, how cool is that?
Blow me.
Thank you.
I guess I should talk for a moment about the very serious subject of...
schizophrenia. No, he doesn't. Shut up, let him talk!
My son is three years old. It's an amazing time.
It's like big head, little tiny body.
It's an outrageous time when they ask you about everything. It's like...
"Why is the sky blue?" "Well, because of the atmosphere."
"Why is there atmosphere?" "Well, because we need to breathe."
"Why do we breathe?" "Why the fuck do you want to know?"
I always have this dream.
I have this dream, well, like I guess every father.
You have a dream that maybe one day,
one day it'll be my son accepting the Nobel prize.
I also have another dream where it's my son going,
"You want fries with this?"
I was on this German talk show, this woman said to me,
she said, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there's not so much
comedy in Germany?"
I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"
But if you're Irish, you'll kick my ass,
but then you'll fucking sing about it afterwards.
♪ Oh, the night you said My wife was fat ♪
♪ I knocked you down And shit in your hat ♪
♪ Away the time we go with it Coming away for air ♪
♪ Moving... ♪
Here's my idea for a fucking sport.
I knock a ball in a gopher hole.
"Oh, you mean like pool." Fuck off, pool.
Not with a straight stick. With a little fucked-up stick.
I whack the ball. It goes in a gopher hole.
"You mean like croquet." Fuck croquet!
I put the hole hundreds of yards away.
Fuck off, yeah.
Whacking away, and each time you miss,
you feel like you're going to have a stroke. [chuckles]
Fuck! That's what we'll call it!
A stroke. Because every time you miss, you feel like you're going to fucking die.
I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time.
The ball is rolling. The ball is going to the...
Hole!
Girls, if you want to get that lovely tattoo of the sunrise
rising out of your ass crack, gorgeous when you're 20.
But when you're 50, it's an octopus chasing a fucking starfish.
So, no.
[shouts]
Fuck!
Peeing!
And then, you realize...
that God gave you a penis and a brain.
And only enough blood to run one at a time.
[imitating John Wayne] That's right, Corky. It's time to saddle up.
We're heading south of the border.
You got to please Missy.
[normal voice] I have one question for the ladies.
Do we look like this?
[laughter and applause]
[raucous laughter]
Are you almost there?
No, no, no. I will finish.
No, no. No, I love you.
I love you.
I will finish.
Look, I said I can take it. I just can't feel my face.
No, who's your daddy?
I love you. I love you.
I'll finish. I'll finish.
I'll finish...
[snores]
Good night!
[applause]
Yep.
It is an honor to induct Robin Williams into The Hall. Yes.
♪♪
And this is a real delight to bring up your next presenter.
A comedian that I love watching and a person that I love running into,
who I haven't been able to see in some time.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the very funny
and wonderful Miss Chelsea Handler.
♪Chel Chel Chelsea Chel Chel Chelsea ♪
♪ Chel Chel Chel Chelsea ♪
-♪ Chelsea ♪ -Yeah!
♪ Chelsea Chelsea Chelsea. Chel, Chelsea ♪
- ♪ Chelsea ♪ -Hi, everybody!
-♪ Handler ♪ -Hi!
[applause]
Thank you so much. Thank you.
I'm here to talk about Mrs. Joan Rivers.
[applause]
The first time I met Joan Rivers we were both on E.
And not the fun kind.
I was too young, too confident, and too arrogant
to believe anyone had a hand in my success but myself.
Now, I know that for every success I've had,
it was because someone came before me who was bolder, and braver,
and good luck finding someone as bold and as brave as Joan Rivers.
[applause]
She once said, "Stevie Wonder, that poor son of a bitch.
Who's going to tell him he's wearing a macramé plant holder on his head?"
And of course, there were the classics.
She also said, "Elizabeth Taylor is so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin."
So I am humbled to stand up here tonight
and pay homage to her life, and to her work.
Joan was born in 1933 as Joan Alexandra Molinsky.
She was born in Brooklyn, New York. She started out as many of us did,
working odd jobs to make ends meet.
She was a tour guide at Rockefeller Center.
She worked as a proofreader at a New York ad agency.
And she also worked for a brief time as a fashion consultant,
a skill that would come in handy decades later
when she formed the Fashion Police with her daughter, Melissa.
They invented eye rolls and celebrity smackdowns
decades before Jada and Will.
Joan soon found her home onstage making people laugh.
Laughing at celebrities, laughing at politics,
and mostly laughing at herself.
She launched her stand-up career at clubs in Greenwich Village.
Sharing bills with the likes of George Carlin and Richard Pryor.
Joan's routine at the time closed with the punchline
"I'm Joan Rivers, and I put out."
I think that's a pretty strong opener as well.
And then, after almost a decade of struggling in dingy clubs,
Joan became an overnight sensation. After being rejected multiple times,
she was booked on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.
[applause]
It was February 17th, 1965. And that night changed everything.
Johnny Carson sat there wiping tears of laughter from his cheeks,
and he said, "God, you're funny. You're going to be a star."
And he was right.
[applause]
She was in command, and Johnny, the King of Late Night,
was clearly in awe.
She was showing us that you could enter the boy's club,
and not only leave them laughing, but if you were funny enough,
you could dominate them.
[cheers and applause]
Joan played Carnegie Hall. She won a Grammy. She won an Emmy.
She earned a Tony nomination. She wrote 12 best-selling books.
She redefined the red carpet as we know it today.
And most impressively, she wasn't afraid to be herself.
Joan found her own acerbic and trailblazing voice
at a time when women did not speak out.
And when a lot of people get famous, they become safer.
And more guarded.
Because suddenly, there's too much to lose.
But not Joan. The more successful she became,
the louder, and the more unapologetic she was.
She pushed boundaries, and she put everything on the line
for a laugh.
She was criticized her whole life
for being too abrasive, too gossipy, too personal.
But there was always something deeper under the surface of her jokes.
She refused to apologize for anything, saying, "Part of my act
is meant to shake you up.
It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things.
Life is tough, darling. Life is hard.
And we better laugh at everything,
otherwise we're going straight down the tube."
[applause]
And she didn't just love making people laugh.
She loved people who made other people laugh.
She once said, "If one more female comedian comes up to me and says,
'You opened the doors for me,' I want to say 'Fuck you.
I'm still opening the doors for you.'"
[cheers and applause]
And she still is.
Not even her death in 2014 could stop her,
thanks to her legacy, she is still opening doors
for women from some big red carpet in the sky.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joan Rivers!
[applause]
This business, it's all about casting couches.
I just want you to know, my name is Joan Rivers,
and I put out.
My wedding night was a disaster because I have zero-zero.
My husband said, "Let me help you with the buttons."
And I said...
[laughter]
I said, "I'm naked!"
When you're not wanted, you know from the beginning.
All I ever heard growing up is,
"Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila?
Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila?"
Sheila had died at birth. Oh, yes!
First wives were too good. We worry, the hair grows gray.
Husband has a heart condition, we're upset.
We pawn our rings to buy him a pacemaker. Anything, right?
Second wife, the husband's got a heart condition,
she's walking behind him going, "Boo!"
That's the difference.
That's the difference!
Also cremated my mother-in-law.
And it was, oh, to cremate your mother-in-law,
you don't know. You should never know this.
I was flying, and I took the plane directly,
Montreal, London, London, Montreal.
I'm flying back, I thought, I should have waited till she was dead.
And I was just...
Kissing on the first date, that wasn't allowed.
-[Joan] Are you kidding? -That secluded?
-Edgar and I still haven't started. -[Carson] I didn't know that.
If my husband didn't toss and turn in his sleep, I wouldn't have had the kids.
[laughter and applause]
You know, right?
I can come home from work with lipstick on my collar,
he couldn't care less.
I pretend I had an affair. You want to talk about getting him crazy?
I thought, "This will get him insane." Right?
We're lying in bed, I'm pretending I'm talking in my sleep,
and I'm saying things like, "No, Tim, it's not right!"
"No, Tim, it's not right. My God, it's just not right."
Next morning, my husband left me a note: "Tell Tim it's all right."
We all go through the same thing at 40, you begin to lose your eyesight.
I don't care who you are. You can't read the birthday card.
At 50, the memory starts to go. "Let's go see that movie.
You know the one. You know what I'm getting..."
At 60, you start to fart. You just fart, fart, fart, fart, fart.
Yes. And at 70, you lose your sense of smell.
So between 60 and 70, it is a terrible time.
Oh!
[Joan] Everyone watched the Carson Show.
And when Carson said to me, "You're going to be a star,"
my life changed.
I'm very sentimental. Look at the dedication in the book.
-[Carson] I know, it's very sweet of you. -Yeah.
It was very sweet of you.
-You talk about sentiment... -You didn't have to do that.
It's to...
It says, talks about your baby. Then you have a dedication.
-Can I read it? -[Joan] Sure.
-It says, "To Edgar," your husband. -[Joan] Had to do that.
"Who made this book happen. Who made this book happen.
To Johnny Carson, who made it all happen."
That's very sweet of you. That's nice.
[Joan] Fox came and offered me my own show.
And Edgar would be the producer.
Of course we said yes.
After 20 years on The Tonight Show,
the first person I called was Johnny Carson.
He slammed the phone down. Called him again, slammed it down again.
And never spoke to me again. Ever.
Monica Lewinsky, is she here?
Look under your chairs. Monica, my idol!
This girl has seven million dollars
from having oral sex with the President of the United States.
Do you understand what I'm telling you, Canada?
Seven million dollars!
Doesn't that upset you?
If I could do it again...
If I could do it again, I would say to my daughter,
when she was 16, "Melissa, come in the den, bring a banana.
Get on your knees. Mama wants to talk to you."
Sometimes, I say to them, "Staff!"
"I'm lonely.
Who's going to fuck me tonight, staff?"
Oh, I'm staring at you.
Look at the person. Don't look at me.
Look at the person. This is not fucking hard.
Look at the person.
We're going to say it three times. This is what life is about.
One, I'm so glad. Come on, guys.
I'm so glad.
I'm so glad... I'm not you.
Thank you and good night! A pleasure working with you.
That's the funniest woman in the world.
And we'll be back after this message.
[Joan] But there's an importance for me for this type of event for comedy
because I'm always left out of it.
So for me, this is nice to be included. Because I'm usually not included.
[cheering and applauding]
Well, Joan, you might have put out, but tonight we're going to put you in.
It is my great honor to induct you into The Hall.
♪♪
And it's my pleasure to introduce the roast master himself,
a man who is a good friend to every comedian
that he's ever met.
Please welcome Jeff Ross.
♪♪
♪ The roast master ♪
♪ The roast, the roast master ♪
How about a hand for Chelsea, everybody.
♪ Jeff Ross Jeff Jeff Ross ♪
Whoo! Hello, comedy world! How are you doing?
[crowd cheers]
I am here to present tonight's in memoriam segment.
Because recently, comedy has lost Norm Macdonald,
Louie Anderson, Bob Saget,
Gilbert Gottfried, and Will Smith.
Any Gilbert Gottfried fans here tonight?
[crowd cheers]
I loved Gilbert.
I did get to see Gilbert in the hospital right before he passed away.
I'm glad I got the chance to thank him for being my pal.
And I held his hand, and I said goodbye.
It was hard for the doctors to pronounce an exact time of death.
Because Gilbert's eyes were always kind of closed.
I was doing a show for Netflix where I roast historical figures.
And I called Gilbert's agent, and I said, "I need Gilbert to come out
to LA and play Adolf Hitler."
And his agent said, "No way. It's not appropriate.
Gilbert's first time on Netflix is not going to be playing Adolf Hitler."
So I called Gil myself, and I said,
"Gilbert, I need someone to play Adolf Hit--"
And he went, "Ler?
I'll do it!"
And he flew out. We sent him into wardrobe.
And Gilbert came to rehearsal with a lederhosen,
and a Hitler mustache, and a swastika armband.
Then, we broke for lunch,
and Gilbert was still wearing the swastika armband.
And we did the show.
We went to the after-party, and I couldn't get him
to take the swastika armband off.
I think he wore it on the plane home the next day.
But he was so funny that night. And let me tell you something.
Gilbert Gottfried was the best Hitler ever.
Mel Brooks once said that comedy is revenge through ridicule.
What better way to mock the Nazis then have their führer played by
the loudest, most obnoxious Jew in history.
So... Heil Gilbert!
Any Louie Anderson fans here?
[crowd cheers]
What an original voice in comedy.
Louie Anderson turned his childhood pain into concert tours,
TV specials, and animated shows. And he made it all hilarious.
Louie gave us a way in to look, and laugh at our own childhoods.
He was also a recent Emmy winner, a best-selling author,
a hit game show host,
and a spokesman for Land-O-Lakes butter.
Both officially and unofficially.
The first time I met Louie Anderson, we were both standing at adjoining urinals
in a men's room at a comedy club in New York.
I was 24-year-old open micer,
and I'm pretty sure Louie propositioned me.
And I'm not going to spill secrets here, but let's just say,
I've been a huge fan ever since.
We're so lucky Louie shared his life with us.
Life without Lilly won't be the same.
Long live Lilly Anderson.
[applause]
I know we got some Norm Macdonald fans here tonight.
[crowd cheers]
Norm had so many jokes that I think about all the time.
Whenever daylight savings time rolled around,
Norm would always say, "I give it six months."
Norm got fired from Saturday Night Live for making too many jokes
about O.J. Simpson.
But comedians are supposed to tell the truth
no matter what the consequences.
And that's what Norm did.
I just wish he'd told us the truth about his health.
We all would have been able to tell him how much we loved him.
But that wasn't Norm's way.
He was always one step ahead of us right up until the end.
I'm going to miss that guy.
Where are my Bob Saget fans?
[crowd cheers]
Bob was like my brother.
But he was America's dad.
Like Bill Cosby.
Except Bob put people to sleep the old-fashioned way.
By talking about his charity work.
Bob's wife, John Stamos, told me about how...
how fans would stop Bob all the time.
They'd want to hug him.
They'd get emotional, and they'd say things to Bob like,
"I didn't... I grew up without a dad, and your character on Full House,
Danny Tanner, he was like my dad, so thank you."
And in his honor, please donate if you can
to the Scleroderma Research Foundation.
A cause that meant so much to Bob.
Bob was so strong, and so supportive when life got hard.
I hope everyone here has a friend like Bob.
He was this gigantic TV star, but he lived his life like a comedian.
He even died like a comic on the road, alone, in a hotel room.
He slipped and hit his head.
Which is kind of poetic for a guy who hosted America's Funniest Home Videos.
If Bob were here, he'd be like, "Can I use that? That's good."
[crowd cheers]
Thanks.
[applause]
These four future Hall of Famers may be gone,
but their laughs live on.
So let's all give it up one last time for Gilbert, Louie, Norm, and Bob.
[cheers and applause]
Whoo!
And now, it is my great honor to welcome "The Closer,"
Dave Chappelle!
♪♪
♪ The Closer ♪
♪ The... The Closer ♪
♪ The Closer Dave Dave Dave Chappelle ♪
♪ Dave Dave Chappelle ♪
♪ Dave Dave Dave ♪
♪ Dave Dave Chappelle ♪
Oh, boy.
Thanks for being here.
I don't know how you get to be in this audience,
but you lucky motherfuckers.
-[man 1] Dave! -[man 2] We love you, Dave!
Hey, thanks, buddy.
I love you too, in a very impersonal, heterosexual kind of way.
I got a heavy lift tonight because it's my honor to get to...
to induct the GOAT.
[cheers and applause]
Richard Pryor.
[cheers and applause]
The greatest stand-up comedian that ever lived.
Not to make it personal, but comedians love Richard Pryor.
There's a story that we always revel in of him walking off stage
in Las Vegas in the middle of a show.
And when he did it,
whoever promoted the show told him he'd never work in Vegas again.
And he said, "I don't care."
He said, "If you said I'd never fuck in Vegas again, I'd be worried."
Abruptly, he left show business and went into the unknown
of what his future might be. And it took him to San Francisco.
And with the help of Paul Mooney, and some other people,
he started doing all-Black rooms, and slowly but surely,
he became the Richard Pryor that we've come to love.
It wasn't just Black rooms that he was doing that made that transformation.
It was cocaine.
Sometimes, I'll see a comedian have a great joke, and I'll say,
"Man, I wish I wrote that joke."
But the joke will be about something personal.
I know that that person lived through something very difficult
to be able to say something that funny about their own life.
Richard Pryor was like that.
When I was 19, I remember,
I did an event that he attended at the Apollo Theater in Harlem.
And I came in as he was coming in.
They were wheeling him in a wheelchair.
I was standing behind him. I didn't say one word to him.
But I looked behind his ear.
And I could see the scars from when he burnt himself.
And it made me want to cry.
Not long after that, I opened for him.
At Newark Symphony Hall.
I couldn't believe that he was a legend doing a gig in Newark.
I met him backstage.
He remembered my name, shook my hand.
And he came out to the eeriest song. It was a song called "I'm Calling You."
And he did about 15 minutes.
And he stopped talking.
And he told the crowd, "I'm sorry. I just can't do this tonight."
And you could have heard a pin drop in that room.
And a guy in the back stood up
and screamed out like he wanted to fight. He said, "I love you, Richard!"
The whole crowd went crazy.
I mean, this was sincerely the longest ovation I've ever seen
to this day in comedy. And I was a young man,
but I understood that I was witnessing actual love.
That it didn't matter if he did good or bad, they just wanted to be around him
one more time.
And they sent him off lovely. And said a great goodbye.
And the moment that I saw that, it informed the rest of my career.
I knew that's exactly what I wanted for my life.
And that's exactly how I want my career to end.
Well, maybe not exactly.
Not in Newark.
Paul Mooney was a big influence on me as well.
And...
[cheers and applause]
And he used to regale me with stories of Richard.
And the way he talked about Richard was like he was in the next room.
You know what I mean? It was something very familiar
and comforting hearing a guy talk about his friend that way.
I was very lucky to get to know him too.
I don't want to blather about my own personal stories, but...
I just want to say that without Richard Pryor
there would be no, there would be no Dave Chappelle.
And all you comedians out there who complain that you can't say anything
nowadays, I would suggest that perhaps, you have nothing to say.
Because there's a very profound example of a person
who said anything and everything he wanted to say
outside of context.
There was only three channels when that nigga was working.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
If you saw a person be this courageous
at such a high price. So please, ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise for Richard Pryor.
[cheers and applause]
Now you know, I have read that you were born in a brothel.
And I figured this is Pryor putting on an interviewer.
No, I was born in my mother's womb.
[Dick] Well, yes.
And we lived in-- I guess you'd call it a brothel.
-We called it a whorehouse. -[Dick] Yeah.
Whorehouse or...
-Or-- -But it was home to me!
It was... [laughs]
I remember tricks used to come through our neighborhood.
That's where I first met white people.
They come down through our neighborhood to help the economy.
Nice white dudes, though. Because I could have been a bigot.
You know what I mean?
I could have been prejudiced.
I could have been, man, but I met nice white men.
Come up, "Hello, little boy. Is your mother home? I'd like a blowjob."
My mother, I met my mother. She's sitting out there.
I love her. That's my mother.
[applause]
-[interviewer] Is she here? -Come on, Ma! Don't hide your face!
Get up there!
[interviewer] I didn't know that.
[Pryor] Don't cry, Ma.
My grandmother's the lady who used to discipline me, right?
You know, beat my ass.
Anyone here remember them switches?
You... right? You used to have to go get off the tree
yourself, and take them leaves like that.
I see them trees today, I will kill one of them motherfuckers.
And you get them switches, and they start cutting wind
on the way home. You hear, phew, phew.
Make you start crying before you get in the house.
Phew, phew. Mama!
Phew, phew! I'm sorry, Mama. I'll never play...
Mama, please! Mama, please!
Please, Mama! Please, Mama!
Ow, please, Mama! Ow, please, Ma!
Are you big in Europe?
What's the matter?
That's a legitimate question.
Gee, he really thinks I'm great.
-Just a moment. -He thinks I'm funny.
-Just a moment. -I got the laugh, not you.
-Just a moment. -What do you mean, just a moment?
Sometimes, pain is funny later on.
You know what I mean? Like when I was in jail.
I was in jail for income tax evasion.
-When? -Last year.
-How much time did you get? -I got enough.
I told the judge, I said, "I forgot about my taxes."
He said, "You'll remember next year, nigga."
And when you don't use sensitivity when you're having sex, right?
Or share some of your soul, nothing is going to happen.
Because men really get afraid. Men are really scared in bed with a woman.
You got to have that macho shit working. It's hard to say, "Did...
Did you, did you...
Did you uh...
Did you cum?
Did you?"
Because men get defensive if a woman says she didn't cum.
Men get real defensive, right?
They won't take no fault for shit, right?
Men might say anything when they get scared, right? Men go,
"Look, baby, maybe your pussy dead."
And women always have a great comeback, right? Women say,
"Well, why don't you give it mouth to mouth resuscitation?"
[cheers and applause]
-I have sinned. -[Carson] Oh, no.
-In the past. And many, many-- -Heal!
You're the only white man alive that's ever touched my head
without being killed.
[Pryor] Ali, man. I got in the ring one time. Ali, man, is awesome.
The nigga, I was in a benefit with him just for fun, boxing.
And just to get in the ring with a nigga, your heart go... [shudders]
No, because something make you say, I'm in this motherfucking ring and shit.
Does everybody know this is for fun?
The nigga be fucking with you, right? As soon as you get in the ring,
Ali be talking about... [mouthing words]
I said, "Wait a minute. Does this nigga know it's a benefit?
He ain't supposed to hit my ass up in this motherfucker."
And the nigga's so fast,
you don't see his punches till they coming back.
That's all you see, right? And your mind be saying,
"Wait a minute, now.
There was some shit in my face a minute ago. I know that."
Then the coach say, "Stick and move! Stick and move!"
And you be scared when you have your first boxing-- Right? You be doing...
-Have you seen The Exorcist? -Ah!
And women won't go to the bathroom outside, right?
Ladies, you won't, will you?
"You want to go to the bathroom out here, baby?"
"Uh-uh."
"Nope. Too much. Look, no. Uh-uh.
Too many things crawling around could crawl up there. No.
I'll wait till we get back to the car."
I say, "Bitch, you ain't gonna piss in the car!
You better drop your drawers and piss here."
"I gotta go real bad, too. Okay, I'm going to pull my panties down
a little bit.
Okay? Now, don't you do nothing. Don't you be funny.
If you see something, you let me know.
You're not going to do nothing funny, are you?"
"No, baby. Go ahead. I ain't gonna do nothing. Go ahead."
"Okay, I'll just pull it down a little bit."
I like to wait till they get into it, right?
You go, "Somebody's coming!"
I remember that's where I met Louie Armstrong.
I walked in his dressing room. I said, "How you doing, Louie?"
He said, "White folks still in the lead."
Don't go out with the Mafia. You can't buy them dinner.
The motherfuckers like,
they always like to take entertainers to dinner.
And they take you to dinner, and they pick up the check all the time.
Right? And if you get mad, you say, "Let me buy the check tonight.
Goddamn it, you guys buy me dinner every night."
"Hey, kid. Let me tell you something. We're crime.
And crime don't pay."
Anyone here ever had a heart attack?
Them motherfuckers hurt!
I'm not bullshitting, man. I was walking in the front yard.
I was just walking along, and something said, "Don't breathe!"
I'm saying, hmm?
"You heard me, motherfucker. I said don't breathe!"
"Okay, I won't breathe. I won't breathe. I won't."
"Then shut the fuck up then." "Okay. I'm sorry. Don't kill me."
"Get on one knee and prove it." "I won't get up."
"Don't kill me, don't..." "You thinking about dying now, ain't you?"
"Yeah, I'm thinking about dying."
"You didn't think about it when you was eating all that pork."
"I wasn't."
I woke up in an ambulance, right?
And it wasn't nothing but white people staring at me.
I said, "Ain't this a bitch.
I've done died and wound up in the wrong motherfucking heaven."
Now listen to me. All the people you ever heard of freebasing,
have you ever heard of anybody blowing up?
Why me?
Ten million motherfuckers freebase, I got to blow up.
I want to say y'all gave me a lot of love when I was...
not feeling well. And y'all really, I appreciate it.
-Also, y'all did some... also... -[applause]
Yeah, applaud yourself.
[applause]
Also, y'all did some nasty ass jokes on my ass too.
Oh, yeah. Y'all didn't think I saw some of these motherfuckers.
Since you love me so much.
I remember this one. Strike the match like this.
What's that? Richard Pryor running down the street.
I was watching TV one night, and they said I had died.
I was bandaged up and shit.
They said, "Richard Pryor died five minutes ago."
[muffled mumbling]
Now, what makes me angry is the fact that
across the board, in my mind, there's nobody I've ever met
in the business of comedy who was any more brilliant than me.
And I will never get the recognition for what I do.
[cheers and applause]
He called that one wrong, didn't he?
In 2016, I did my first Netflix special in this very room.
It was March 12th,
the anniversary of when Richard Pryor: Live on Sunset Strip
was released in theaters, which he shot in this very room.
It was Easter weekend, when people celebrate Jesus rising from the dead.
And when he shot that special, he had burnt himself on fire.
It was his first time back in front of the public
after that terrible incident.
And it was my first time back in the public
after that nasty spill I took on television.
It's an honor to be here tonight.
We love you, Richard.
[cheers and applause]
It's my pleasure to induct Richard Pryor into The Hall.
[applause]
♪♪
Thank you guys very much for being here.
God bless you and good night.
[cheers and applause]
♪♪
♪ The Hall ♪
♪ The the the the Hall ♪
♪ The Hall Year year year year year ♪
♪ Year One ♪
♪ Mix Master Mike Mix mix mix ♪
♪Mix master Mix Master Mike ♪
♪ Mike Mike Mike ♪
♪ The Hall Year One ♪
♪♪