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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen!
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Give it up for Tom Papa!
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[audience cheering, applauding]
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[cheering continues]
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Thank you very much.
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Look at you.
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Look at you, still alive. Good job.
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I'm proud of you.
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Oh, thank you so much for that.
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This is so nice to be here.
We're gonna have a good time, I hope.
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They say these are
very exciting times. They are.
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Some people say scary times. I disagree.
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I think these are very exciting times.
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When they're changing all the rules,
we can do anything we want now.
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I say, let's kidnap some billionaires.
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[audience cheers]
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Why not? We got a lot of problems.
Five guys have all the money.
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Let's go get them. Who's gonna stop us?
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I'm all for you being a billionaire.
Good job.
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You worked hard, you changed the world.
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You get to be a billionaire for 24 hours.
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You don't start giving that money
away to poor people by morning,
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we're coming to get you.
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Could you imagine a billion dollars?
I don't even dream like that, do you?
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One person, a billion dollars.
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No, I used to be bothered by big dreams
and high expectations.
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Not anymore.
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This is it, guys. This is it.
We're already doing it.
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You did it. Good job.
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This is it. Really.
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For me, a good day is any day I don't
have to retrieve a username and password.
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[sighs] Oh. Oh.
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What a great day.
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Nothing worse on the planet,
when you're about to have some fun
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and you're cock-blocked
by the username and password.
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There's nothing worse.
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I mean, I know there's wars going on,
and things are on fire, but for us,
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for us...
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there's nothing worse.
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It's not like in the olden times
and fairy tales and storybooks,
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when you need a magical password,
go on an adventure,
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you get something amazing for it.
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You need the password to get in the gate,
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go into the dark forest,
and become friends with a talking crow,
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fight a demon with a willow stick,
and you get the password.
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And the doors open up,
and a unicorn gives you a ride
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to a magical wizard who gives
you gold coins and sexual favors.
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We don't get any of that after pouring
our heart and souls into our devices
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for three straight hours,
giving away all our family secrets,
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our mom's maiden name,
and who she had sex with in high school...
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and then we play that "squarey" game
like we're in nursery school.
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Is there a stoplight in the square?
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Is there a dump truck in the square?
Was that my dead grandma in the square?
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They send a bunch of codes to other emails
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you don't have the password for, either.
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Then finally you get the password.
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Do we get sexual favors from wizards? No.
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What do we get? What do we get?
We get to order on the Pizza Hut app. Yay.
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Yay.
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If only I had the courage to call someone
on the phone three hours ago...
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and place this order.
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But I'm scared of people now.
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I don't know what that 16-year-old
manager at Pizza Hut
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is gonna ask me,
but it's gonna be scary.
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No way around it. We're all being changed,
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dragged into the metaverse,
turned into robots as we speak.
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Remember you before these devices
as a different person?
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You get a glimpse of it when you
go out into the world without your phone.
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You ever do that, leave your phone behind?
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By mistake, of course.
You wouldn't do it intentionally.
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But just go out
about the day without your phone?
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Oh! What a great day.
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Once you get past
the crying and the dry heaving and...
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tugging on strangers' pant legs,
asking for help.
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Once you get through all of that,
it's a magical day.
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You just walk around with your
own thoughts, just thinking about stuff.
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Wow, this must be what
Benjamin Franklin felt like...
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just walking around, thinking about
kites and candies and syphilis.
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There's no getting around it.
The world is too easy with it.
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Could you imagine traveling
without your phone?
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Leaving tomorrow, going to the airport,
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getting on a plane and leaving for
three days without your phone? [exclaims]
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Terrifying idea.
How did you even get to the airport?
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That's a good question.
How did you get to the airport?
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Is Uber responding to smoke signals now?
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What happens once you're at the airport
and they change your flight or gate?
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How are you gonna know?
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You're not. You're not gonna know.
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You're just gonna wander the halls
of the airport until you die.
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You're going to die at the airport
on the floor outside of a Hudson News...
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that's filled with things that could
save you if only you had Apple Pay.
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That'd be a good ending to the story.
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Or would it? What happens if you die,
and you go up to Heaven,
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and they're like, "We weren't gonna
let you in, but you did your best."
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"You get in. Welcome to Heaven.
Congratulations."
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"What's your username and password?"
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I don't have it, I don't have it.
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Remember two years ago, when
they told us we couldn't see our families?
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Remember that?
Yeah. Don't do it. Don't go home.
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You're gonna kill
your family with your face.
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No. No holidays for you,
not this year. You stay home.
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You're gonna kill your mom
with your breath.
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Two years, no family. Oh, my God.
Those were the good old days.
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We all had the same excuse,
we all had the same excuse.
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I would love to come home,
but they won't let me.
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I'm gonna have to spend Thanksgiving
with my friends and have fun this year.
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Oh, man. Families are a blessing.
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It is a blessing if you have your family,
but it doesn't make 'em any less annoying.
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I just saw my parents. Oh, my God.
They're getting goofy.
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My father bought my mother one of those
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weapons-grade jackhammer massage guns.
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Have you seen these things?
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These new torture devices
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they're just selling to old people
to try on each other?
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No background check,
no licensing, no training of any kind.
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My father just aimed it at
my mother's shoulder and hit the trigger.
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Wasn't good. Wasn't good.
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It just gathered up her skin
like pancake batter.
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[imitates jackhammer]
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She couldn't get away.
He couldn't turn it off.
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She looked like a Shar Pei
stuck in a car wash.
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Yeah, it got the knot out.
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It also got her collarbone out
and her shoulder blade.
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And all her insides
are on the outside now.
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I love them to death. I do.
But what are we doing with our old people?
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We should be protecting our old people.
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Why are we telling our old people they can
do more things the older they get?
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That's not how it works.
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You don't add things
to your bucket list after 70.
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Anything you don't do by 70,
you don't have to do.
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My mother watches TV,
she gets these ideas,
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seeing all these active old people,
she comes back,
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"Your father and I are
gonna start to travel."
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"Your dad and I
are gonna hit the road."
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"Time to start traveling."
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No.
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You're scared of stairs.
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This isn't the time
to backpack through Europe.
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Your ankles are made of Popsicle sticks.
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It takes Dad three tries
to get up the ramp at Starbucks,
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just gaining momentum
till he eventually bursts through the door
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and forgets where he is.
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Starts cursing out the barista
because his car's not ready.
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"You don't know.
Your father and I like activities."
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"We rent the tandem bike."
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"We go to the hotel.
We rent a tandem bike."
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Don't.
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A tandem bike after 70
should be called a double suicide.
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Two people who don't get along
and don't know where they're going,
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turning in opposite directions,
should not be on a tandem bike.
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You should be in a wagon.
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You should be in a wagon,
and we'll tug you around,
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you can feed the ducks.
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We'll have you home by 4:00,
in time for your programs.
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[cheering, applauding]
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And then they get angry.
They get angry if I try and help them,
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and give them advice,
and protect them, they get all defensive.
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"Don't tell us what to do.
We're your parents. We made you."
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All right. Thank you for inventing me.
That was very nice.
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But things have changed.
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Things have changed.
My brain's still intact.
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I didn't put sponges
in the toaster this morning.
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I'm looking forward to the time
when my kids help me out.
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I have two teenage daughters.
They help me out now.
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I'm grateful for the assistance.
I don't do things right a lot.
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They don't have to know
it's because I'm drunk and high.
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But I am confused sometimes.
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"Dad, should the stove still be on?"
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"No."
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00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:41,117
"No, I made dinner an hour ago."
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"That pot's going
to have to soak for a while."
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"Fill it with bubbles.
We'll deal with it on Wednesday."
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"Dad, that was a stop sign."
"Good thing we're speeding."
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"Hold my weed.
I'm gonna make a U-turn."
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00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,305
"Don't tell your mom."
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00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,977
They could be nicer about it, though.
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Nothing meaner than a teenage girl
when she comes after you.
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Nothing meaner on the planet,
'cause they're smart,
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they're cunning, and they just laser
on your weaknesses.
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It's very unsettling.
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My daughter came into
the kitchen she said,
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"Dad, we're trying to watch
a movie in the other room,
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and we can hear you breathing."
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00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:33,461
"Okay, I'll just stop that."
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"I'll just stop breathing and living here,
and living all together. How about that?"
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And she just high-fived her sister
and went back to watching The Avengers.
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00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:48,017
My other daughter, 16,
was just staring me down at breakfast.
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00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:52,062
Very scary. She hasn't made
eye contact with me since she was six.
191
00:12:54,773 --> 00:12:57,401
"I don't like the way
you chew your granola."
192
00:12:57,776 --> 00:13:02,615
"Why you chewing your granola like that?"
What the hell does that even mean?
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00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:05,451
It's granola. It's big and it's crunchy.
194
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:09,497
I have to make it smaller.
or it's gonna rip apart my trachea.
195
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:15,169
How do you eat your granola?
You just swallow it whole, like a snake?
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00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,087
Devil child?
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00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:20,925
This is the same daughter, by the way,
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00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:23,135
who without my permission or my knowledge,
199
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:26,805
during the Troubles,
went out and adopted a rescue pug.
200
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:31,060
A pug! Did all the paperwork herself
and just showed up with a pug.
201
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:35,689
If you don't know what a pug is,
they advertise it as a dog.
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00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,654
It is not.
203
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:45,157
It has a fat, round,
hairy, turkey-like body,
204
00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:49,662
four spindly legs that look like
it couldn't support that fat body.
205
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,622
Dogs have paws.
206
00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:56,502
Pugs have long, lady fingers
with fancy press on nails.
207
00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:02,925
Some have four, some have three, some two.
Like a chicken foot.
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00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:09,515
And the face
of an arthritic 80-year-old man.
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Eyes that look like it belongs
on a different animal altogether.
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00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:19,817
It looks like God was making it,
ran out of pug eyes
211
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:23,112
and said, "Let's give it cow eyes.
See how that goes."
212
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,490
It doesn't go.
213
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:30,619
This poor guy's got these two
bulbous things hanging out of his skull.
214
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,747
The lids can't even
get up and over the ball.
215
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:37,793
He hasn't had his eyes shut
in the time I've had him.
216
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:41,463
He just struggles
and snores 24 hours a day.
217
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,341
[snoring]
218
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:49,138
"Is he asleep right now? We're on a walk."
219
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:57,730
Fun fact.
220
00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:07,531
Fun fact. If a pug falls
in the pool, it sinks immediately.
221
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:13,287
Turns out if your head's
made of a concrete block,
222
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:15,706
you're gonna face plant in the deep end.
223
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:20,836
Still snoring, still snoring.
Bubbles coming up on either side.
224
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,714
I don't think he
even knows he's in the pool.
225
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:26,717
Think he thinks he wandered
into a weird part of the yard
226
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,469
and his glaucoma's flaring up.
227
00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:35,267
Best part about him, his name is Frank.
228
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:37,937
Which is hilarious,
because any time you yell at him,
229
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,064
it's like you're in a movie with Sinatra.
230
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:43,192
"Come on, Frank.
Why are you acting that way?"
231
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,986
"You've changed, Frank. You've changed."
232
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,905
[snoring]
233
00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:52,826
Like I said, he's a purebred--
a purebred rescue dog.
234
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:56,121
He was found on the mean streets
of Downey, California.
235
00:15:56,205 --> 00:16:00,334
If you don't know where Downey is,
it's like here, but a little more stabby.
236
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:05,756
Why was Frank just wandering
the mean streets of Downey, California?
237
00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:09,760
There's either something wrong
with him, or he's wanted by the law.
238
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:14,056
There's something wrong with Frank.
Something very wrong with Frank.
239
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:16,266
Frank pees everywhere he goes,
240
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:19,478
inside or out, wherever the hell
he wants, Frank pees.
241
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:23,273
I found this out because
I got a blacklight on Amazon.
242
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,943
Yes. Well, I never caught him in the act.
243
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:29,989
I'd always see him walking down
the hall with his fancy lady feet
244
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:32,700
and a suspicious look in his fat eye.
245
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:35,744
I never caught him,
but I got that blacklight,
246
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:39,665
and I went through my house.
He has devastated my home.
247
00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:43,585
Ruined it.
My office in particular, wrecked it.
248
00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:47,506
First I didn't say anything.
I was like, "What if it's me?"
249
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:54,221
After careful analysis, it's Frank.
It's very low.
250
00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:58,809
So what do you do? I got angry at first.
"How do I handle this?"
251
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:03,230
Maybe leave the back door open
and see if he wants to go for a swim?
252
00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:09,945
Then I checked myself.
253
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,905
"No, let's get him checked out."
254
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:15,576
Maybe there's something really
wrong with Frank, like a bladder problem.
255
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:19,371
I don't know what goes on
inside pugs other than prizes.
256
00:17:19,955 --> 00:17:22,499
Maybe there is a urinary tract infection.
257
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,210
I took him in,
he's a healthy son of a pug.
258
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:26,628
Everything checks out.
259
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:30,382
There's nothing wrong with his
urinary tract. No infections.
260
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,593
What's wrong, according to the vet,
261
00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:36,597
in medical terms, is Frank is an asshole.
262
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:46,774
He knows what he's doing,
and he's gonna continue doing it
263
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:49,485
while he's looking me right in the face.
264
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:54,323
So I went back to Amazon,
where all our answers lie,
265
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:57,034
and they make diapers for pugs.
266
00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:59,745
They make diapers for pugs.
You can get 'em on Amazon.
267
00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:03,123
I know it's pathetic.
It doesn't even look like a diaper.
268
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:06,335
Looks like those Velcro
back braces the UPS guy wears
269
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:10,589
his last year on the job.
Just kind of hanging off his ass.
270
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:15,803
Doesn't look like it does much,
but his sciatica is really bothering him.
271
00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:20,265
We don't call them diapers out of respect
for Sinatra. We call them pants.
272
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:24,686
"Come on, Frank. We got company over.
Put on some pants, will you?"
273
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,522
"For crying out loud."
274
00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:30,609
I'll admit it felt weird
putting pants on a dog.
275
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:32,611
Didn't feel right,
didn't feel natural.
276
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:36,073
But then I thought about what
dogs have done in our short years.
277
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:38,450
When I was a child, a dog was a dog.
278
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:41,161
It lived outside in the yard,
tied to a tree.
279
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:43,956
If you went somewhere,
the dog waited for your return.
280
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:48,293
It could be an hour, a day, a year.
The dog waited for you to come home.
281
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:52,548
You'd never say to your father,
"Can we bring the dog on vacation?"
282
00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:55,175
They would have
tied you to the other tree.
283
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:03,475
And look what they've accomplished now,
these dogs, I see them everywhere.
284
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:06,520
I see them checking
into hotels by themselves.
285
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:10,107
I see them in fancy restaurants,
drinking martinis,
286
00:19:10,190 --> 00:19:11,859
boarding flights to Hawaii.
287
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:15,487
Well, I don't know how you did it,
dogs, but you did it.
288
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:19,575
You're part of the human world.
You did it. Congratulations.
289
00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:29,126
Now that you're here, take your tongue
out of your ass and take a look around.
290
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:32,921
And you'll notice we're all wearing pants,
291
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:36,508
'cause we know what our junk
looks like and it should be covered up.
292
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:39,511
I don't know if you've
ever seen a pug's penis, sir.
293
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:42,556
You look like you've seen
some shit in your day.
294
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:46,435
Maybe you did some time.
I don't know how you live.
295
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,271
If you haven't seen it,
Google it after the show.
296
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:53,192
All of you, Google it after the show.
Private browser, private browser.
297
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,820
Wait till you see it.
It's weird, it's misshapen,
298
00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:59,239
it's covered in weird,
multicolored horse hairs.
299
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:02,034
It follows you around
the room when you walk by.
300
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:05,996
It looks like something
the devil would tickle you with.
301
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,131
Put on some pants.
302
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:23,764
But, as disgusting as pugs are,
and they are, we're worse.
303
00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:25,891
Human beings are worse.
304
00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:29,019
I thought we were gonna be better
after all we went through.
305
00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:32,522
I thought we'd be more germ conscious,
a little more mannerly. Nope!
306
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:35,651
Just as disgusting as before.
We are. We're horrible.
307
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:37,402
Coughing's back. Coughing's back.
308
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:40,989
Walking through the airport,
all these people acting like sea lions.
309
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:44,701
[mimics sea lion barking]
310
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,995
No one covers their mouths. [barks]
311
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:50,040
Spraying whole rows of people. [barks]
312
00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:54,169
I saw a guy on the plane
clipping his nails.
313
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:57,547
-[audience groans]
-Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Why?
314
00:20:57,631 --> 00:21:00,676
Why is a nail clipper in your pocket
in the first place?
315
00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:04,054
What's in your other pocket?
Used dental floss and toilet paper?
316
00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:05,722
What's wrong with you?
317
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,726
They're back to spitting everywhere,
those big man-spits
318
00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:11,895
right on the sidewalk
where you're walking.
319
00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:15,941
Those big, disgusting,
from the small intestine, windup spits.
320
00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:19,528
It was six inches
from going out the other way.
321
00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:25,826
And this guy says,
"No, I'm bringing it up top."
322
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:31,206
"People are gonna wanna see this."
323
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:37,004
And it just lands on the sidewalk
like an alien afterbirth.
324
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:41,508
It's got eyes
and a heartbeat and feelings.
325
00:21:43,051 --> 00:21:46,138
Skitters into the sewer
and replicates itself.
326
00:21:47,347 --> 00:21:49,599
And that's where COVID came from.
327
00:21:57,691 --> 00:22:00,777
I'm not really kidding.
That's where it came from.
328
00:22:00,861 --> 00:22:04,740
All these examples are
things that men do. Men do these things.
329
00:22:04,823 --> 00:22:09,328
I never saw a woman blow her nose in
the air without a tissue in all my days.
330
00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:13,957
These are things that men do.
And I know we're trying to figure it out.
331
00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:16,710
Was it a bat?
Was it a kangaroo? Was it a lab?
332
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,254
I don't know. I know one thing's for sure.
333
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:21,631
Men were involved.
334
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:24,551
You know.
335
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:30,474
You know, you know
some guy dared another guy
336
00:22:30,932 --> 00:22:35,020
to do something weird to a bat for $10.
337
00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:44,821
And they went out
to an alley next to a lab,
338
00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:48,158
and a bunch of other guys
got in a circle and cheered him on.
339
00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:51,661
And now we're gonna be
wearing masks to the end of time.
340
00:22:52,162 --> 00:22:56,333
We can't help it. Men. We're horrible.
Men are horrible. We're horrible.
341
00:22:56,416 --> 00:23:00,087
We're disgusting. Every guy in here
pees in his own yard.
342
00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:04,299
Pees in his-- Right? Yes, yes, yes.
343
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:13,058
"No, Tom, not my guy." Yeah, your guy.
344
00:23:13,391 --> 00:23:18,605
I guarantee it, when you're not looking,
behind the lounge chair, behind the grill.
345
00:23:19,564 --> 00:23:21,691
In the grill, if it's on.
346
00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:25,278
Yeah, because that's a fun noise.
347
00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:32,285
Think about it, any inconvenience
you have out in the world
348
00:23:32,369 --> 00:23:35,580
is because men were there before,
did something horrible
349
00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:37,582
and they had to change the rules.
350
00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:40,669
Why can't you just walk
into a bathroom at a gas station ?
351
00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:45,465
Why do they have to give a key attached
to a chain attached to a truck tire?
352
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:50,887
And we have to drag it around
the building like an Egyptian slave.
353
00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:56,852
Why? Because men were in there.
Horrible men doing horrible things.
354
00:23:57,102 --> 00:24:00,438
Playing in the toilet like a bird bath.
355
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,775
Putting their penis in the hand dryer.
356
00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:09,447
Yes. You think when the Dyson
came out, that's not what they were doing?
357
00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:12,242
That's what they're doing.
358
00:24:12,325 --> 00:24:16,163
[imitates hand dryer whirring]
359
00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:25,589
I know,
the lady's room is no treat either.
360
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:27,966
That's not because
of anything you do in there.
361
00:24:28,049 --> 00:24:30,802
That's 'cause men sneak in there
when you're not looking
362
00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:32,596
and use your hand dryer too.
363
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:42,022
But, as disgusting as we are,
and no man will dispute that fact,
364
00:24:42,105 --> 00:24:43,440
we're good for you.
365
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:46,318
Men are good for you.
We make you stronger.
366
00:24:46,610 --> 00:24:50,238
Yes, we're immunity boosters.
You think this whole thing was bad?
367
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:53,450
It would've been twice as bad
if men weren't fiddling their nuts
368
00:24:53,533 --> 00:24:56,620
and grabbing every door handle in town.
369
00:24:57,495 --> 00:24:59,331
So you're welcome.
370
00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:10,342
The other thing that men have,
and I don't understand
371
00:25:10,425 --> 00:25:12,969
why women don't have it,
this seems backwards to me,
372
00:25:13,053 --> 00:25:16,431
is this incredible amount
of self-esteem and self-confidence
373
00:25:16,514 --> 00:25:18,892
built on absolutely nothing.
374
00:25:22,145 --> 00:25:27,359
As awful as we are, every guy also thinks
everyone wants him all the time.
375
00:25:27,442 --> 00:25:32,489
A guy will pee in his backyard, walk out
the front door and think, "She wants me."
376
00:25:34,532 --> 00:25:39,955
And yet women are the most magical,
beautiful creatures on this planet,
377
00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:45,293
just gliding around the globe
like cotton candy goddesses,
378
00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:48,421
just filled with life and love
379
00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:51,466
and beauty and self-doubt.
380
00:25:52,217 --> 00:25:57,305
"Do I look fat? Do I look old? I hate
my hair. I hate my eyes. I hate my ass."
381
00:25:58,056 --> 00:26:03,478
And meanwhile, you're walking around
with a pet orangutan.
382
00:26:07,565 --> 00:26:10,068
Who doesn't even look in the mirror.
383
00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:16,491
The epitome of male vanity
is in the summer.
384
00:26:16,574 --> 00:26:21,246
In the summer, in any town,
you will see a man, an 80-year-old man,
385
00:26:21,329 --> 00:26:26,751
walking down the street in a tank top,
or worse, no shirt at all.
386
00:26:26,835 --> 00:26:29,671
Just strutting down the sidewalk
387
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:32,841
like an expired rotisserie chicken.
388
00:26:38,096 --> 00:26:42,475
No muscle mass left,
just two bony chicken wings.
389
00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:47,564
Licorice nipples swaying in the wind.
390
00:26:53,194 --> 00:26:57,907
Gold chains tangled
in his spooky cobweb body hair.
391
00:26:59,659 --> 00:27:02,412
With the nerve to hit on young women.
392
00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:07,334
God, I don't know how you women
let us climb all over you.
393
00:27:07,417 --> 00:27:11,504
I really don't.
I would be a lesbian for sure.
394
00:27:14,549 --> 00:27:18,470
Both of my daughters are straight.
I'm like, "Focus, we have time."
395
00:27:20,597 --> 00:27:22,557
"You don't have to do this."
396
00:27:26,019 --> 00:27:31,191
[audience cheers, applauds]
397
00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:38,114
I am not a lesbian.
398
00:27:39,407 --> 00:27:41,368
I am a straight, married man.
399
00:27:41,451 --> 00:27:44,704
I've been married now
to the same woman for 22 years.
400
00:27:44,788 --> 00:27:46,790
[audience cheering]
401
00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:47,999
Thank you.
402
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,879
You don't know what I'm going through.
403
00:27:54,005 --> 00:27:55,048
[chuckles]
404
00:27:55,131 --> 00:27:58,927
No, she's great, of course. 22 years.
She's the best. I love her to death.
405
00:27:59,010 --> 00:28:01,221
I'm not gonna be up here
attacking marriage.
406
00:28:01,304 --> 00:28:04,557
I believe in marriage, really do.
It's a hard life to get through.
407
00:28:04,641 --> 00:28:07,435
If you find someone else,
partner up through it all,
408
00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:10,230
it's good.
It can make your life a lot better.
409
00:28:10,313 --> 00:28:14,567
If you find the right person,
and lower your expectations
410
00:28:14,651 --> 00:28:18,738
of what you're gonna get out of it,
you'll be very happily married.
411
00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:22,951
I don't mean to demean it
when I say lower your expectations.
412
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:24,994
I think that's why people get divorced.
413
00:28:25,078 --> 00:28:27,997
Too high of an expectation
of what they're gonna get
414
00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:30,917
out of this one relationship.
It's not that much.
415
00:28:33,670 --> 00:28:35,713
Don't put so much pressure on it.
416
00:28:35,797 --> 00:28:40,385
Keep your eyes open going into it.
Don't be dumb about it. Gotta be smart.
417
00:28:40,468 --> 00:28:43,471
I have a friend that's thinking
about getting married.
418
00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:46,224
He's so dumb.
The way he's talking, he's a moron.
419
00:28:46,307 --> 00:28:49,561
He's been with the girl for five years,
the things he talks about,
420
00:28:49,644 --> 00:28:52,439
"She's nice,
you know, her family's pretty cool."
421
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:55,358
"She's smart, but I don't know
if she's hot enough."
422
00:28:55,442 --> 00:28:58,695
"Don't know, we're talking about
getting married. She hot enough?"
423
00:28:59,487 --> 00:29:00,947
Are you high? Hot enough?!
424
00:29:01,114 --> 00:29:04,242
You're talking about getting married
for the rest of your life.
425
00:29:04,325 --> 00:29:07,495
You don't care about hot,
you don't marry hot. You marry strong.
426
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:08,955
You don't want a supermodel.
427
00:29:09,038 --> 00:29:12,542
You want someone who can pick up
the other end of the couch.
428
00:29:19,924 --> 00:29:22,677
Without taking
the cigarette out of her mouth.
429
00:29:24,888 --> 00:29:26,473
That's who you marry.
430
00:29:28,850 --> 00:29:30,393
No. It's a good thing.
431
00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:33,897
If you're married, and in here tonight,
it's a great night for you.
432
00:29:33,980 --> 00:29:39,611
You're having a great time. There's no
pressure on you at all. You're married.
433
00:29:39,694 --> 00:29:43,156
You don't even care if your
partner's having fun right now.
434
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:51,164
That's not why you're here.
Let's let someone else talk for an hour.
435
00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:00,673
It's easy.
436
00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:04,385
If you're dating,
if you're in here right now on a date,
437
00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:06,513
this is a difficult night for you.
438
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:11,518
This is a lot of work.
You actually care how this goes tonight.
439
00:30:11,601 --> 00:30:14,938
You want them to be happy.
It's a lot of pressure.
440
00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:18,149
This is why-- this is the thing
that bothers me about dating.
441
00:30:18,274 --> 00:30:21,152
If you do get in a fight
on the way home tonight,
442
00:30:21,236 --> 00:30:23,655
maybe off of something I'm about to say,
443
00:30:23,738 --> 00:30:26,032
if you get in a fight tonight,
444
00:30:26,115 --> 00:30:30,078
the whole relationship
could be over tonight.
445
00:30:32,455 --> 00:30:35,708
Tonight. You could end it tonight.
446
00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:41,631
Because you have that option.
And that's a horrible option to have.
447
00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:44,259
Because if you do leave,
oh my God,
448
00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:47,720
you gotta get your laptop,
and all your chargers.
449
00:30:48,721 --> 00:30:50,348
[exhales deeply]
450
00:30:52,100 --> 00:30:56,563
Get a new haircut, buy some cool clothes,
go back out into the world.
451
00:30:56,646 --> 00:31:00,066
Lie to everybody all over again
about how great you are.
452
00:31:02,151 --> 00:31:06,948
My wife and I could get in the same exact
fight tonight, and we're not breaking up.
453
00:31:07,031 --> 00:31:10,618
We are not leaving,
because we don't have that option.
454
00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:14,706
We could get in the worst fight
in the world, we are not leaving.
455
00:31:14,789 --> 00:31:19,419
I'm not leaving. I get in a fight,
I don't leave. I go to the pantry.
456
00:31:21,629 --> 00:31:25,717
I go to the pantry and I get
a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies.
457
00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:32,849
And I eat them one by one as I'm staring
at my reflection in the toaster oven.
458
00:31:46,154 --> 00:31:48,823
Until I feel so disgusting
that I forgive her,
459
00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:53,286
for whatever it is she said,
because I know she's probably right
460
00:31:53,369 --> 00:31:58,333
because she's married to a monster person
who just ate 24 Samoas standing up.
461
00:32:07,675 --> 00:32:10,678
I don't need cool clothes,
I don't have to get a new haircut.
462
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:13,389
Get a haircut when she says,
"get a haircut."
463
00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:17,268
And I get clothes when she gets clothes--
reminds me I need clothes.
464
00:32:17,352 --> 00:32:20,271
That's how married
couples end up looking alike.
465
00:32:22,941 --> 00:32:26,277
"Be right back, going to get sneakers."
"Wait a minute."
466
00:32:28,071 --> 00:32:30,073
"I need sneakers, too."
467
00:32:31,574 --> 00:32:34,702
"You do? You wanna come?"
"Yeah, I wanna come."
468
00:32:34,786 --> 00:32:37,121
"Let's go. Sneaker day!"
469
00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:47,548
And we go to Footlocker
and we sit in the married section.
470
00:32:48,424 --> 00:32:52,971
And they bring out sneakers that aren't
made for any athletic event whatsoever.
471
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:58,601
No, they're big
and they're white and they got Velcro.
472
00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:04,065
They're good for standing
while we wait for each other.
473
00:33:09,112 --> 00:33:11,948
"You want socks, too?"
"You read my mind."
474
00:33:12,699 --> 00:33:17,286
"Socks, shorts, and sneakers. Don't bag
'em up. We're gonna wear 'em out."
475
00:33:19,247 --> 00:33:23,876
Do we look good? No.
We don't look good. That wasn't the point.
476
00:33:24,168 --> 00:33:28,256
The point was to make each other
unfuckable to the rest of the world.
477
00:33:35,388 --> 00:33:38,975
We don't need some single pervert
looking at your cool shoes
478
00:33:39,058 --> 00:33:43,521
and making a move on you.
That'll ruin the good thing we got going.
479
00:33:46,649 --> 00:33:49,402
"What about the sex, Tom?
What about the sex?"
480
00:33:49,485 --> 00:33:52,697
Everyone asks,
"One person for the rest of your life?"
481
00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:57,618
"What about the sex?"
Grow up. Dumbass sex.
482
00:33:57,702 --> 00:34:00,329
You mean the cause of every
dumb decision you've made?
483
00:34:00,413 --> 00:34:03,291
That sex? Sex is fun, but it's a ride.
484
00:34:03,374 --> 00:34:07,170
It's a ride. The first time I went on
Space Mountain, sure, it was exciting.
485
00:34:07,253 --> 00:34:09,839
I didn't know it was gonna do that.
Whee!
486
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:12,467
[laughs] Hey!
487
00:34:13,843 --> 00:34:16,929
I've been riding
Space Mountain now for 22 years.
488
00:34:18,097 --> 00:34:20,099
I know how it goes.
489
00:34:21,100 --> 00:34:25,146
It's fun, but you end up confused,
nauseous, and in need of a nap.
490
00:34:28,691 --> 00:34:30,443
I was staying in New York recently,
491
00:34:30,526 --> 00:34:33,488
and the people in the hotel room
next to me were having sex.
492
00:34:33,571 --> 00:34:38,451
Very loud, very rhythmic, very joyful.
And it kept going, 15, 20 minutes.
493
00:34:38,534 --> 00:34:41,245
I was like, "I guess the pandemic's over."
494
00:34:41,788 --> 00:34:44,373
Have fun in there. Didn't stop.
Kept going.
495
00:34:44,457 --> 00:34:47,627
Twenty-five, 30 minutes.
Nonstop. No break.
496
00:34:47,710 --> 00:34:52,256
Thirty straight minutes. I called my wife,
I was like, "I owe you an apology."
497
00:34:58,554 --> 00:35:03,601
Didn't stop there. 35, 40 minutes.
40 minutes nonstop action.
498
00:35:03,684 --> 00:35:06,479
We've never hit 40 minutes--
40 minutes straight?
499
00:35:06,562 --> 00:35:09,816
No, you could add in dinner.
We haven't hit 40 minutes.
500
00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:17,615
I wouldn't want to. 40 minutes?
Get off me. I got stuff to do.
501
00:35:20,326 --> 00:35:21,744
Where's my phone?
502
00:35:27,625 --> 00:35:31,170
At an hour, I just put in earplugs
and cried myself to sleep.
503
00:35:31,879 --> 00:35:35,133
I don't wanna know
these people even exist out there.
504
00:35:35,216 --> 00:35:38,678
Woke up the next morning,
7:00 in the morning, still heard it,
505
00:35:38,761 --> 00:35:41,556
Still heard it, 7:00 in the morning!
I go, wait a minute.
506
00:35:41,639 --> 00:35:43,933
This isn't people. This is porn.
507
00:35:44,225 --> 00:35:47,145
This is porn. I was so relieved.
508
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:51,023
But then I got angry, who's in there
at the ass-end of a pandemic,
509
00:35:51,107 --> 00:35:53,109
spraying all over like Frank?
510
00:35:54,944 --> 00:35:59,615
A man. A disgusting man. Awful.
511
00:36:02,618 --> 00:36:06,414
Look, I'm not gonna judge you,
or where you're at in your relationship.
512
00:36:06,497 --> 00:36:08,457
Single or married? I don't know.
513
00:36:08,541 --> 00:36:11,961
These are things are complicated,
they're difficult to navigate.
514
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,255
It's tricky, you hook up with somebody
515
00:36:14,338 --> 00:36:16,632
you don't know,
you're gonna go the distance?
516
00:36:16,716 --> 00:36:18,968
That's gonna change.
You're gonna change.
517
00:36:19,051 --> 00:36:21,888
You'll both get weird hobbies,
start doing weird things.
518
00:36:21,971 --> 00:36:24,807
You're gonna look weird.
It's gonna change.
519
00:36:24,891 --> 00:36:28,436
You're gonna find out things about
your spouse you didn't see coming.
520
00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:31,397
I just found out
my wife doesn't like when I read.
521
00:36:32,398 --> 00:36:38,112
She doesn't like when I read! Anything!
A book, a magazine, a cereal box.
522
00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:42,450
If my wife sees me reading, she doesn't
think, "He needs some quiet time."
523
00:36:42,533 --> 00:36:47,330
No, she thinks, "He's bored. Let me
tell him a story about my sister at work."
524
00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:55,671
"He's reading a book.
He must be really bored."
525
00:36:55,755 --> 00:36:59,550
"Let me tell him about my mom's
new lease agreement on her apartment."
526
00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:03,012
Ugh.
527
00:37:03,846 --> 00:37:07,850
The other time she likes to talk
is late at night.
528
00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:11,520
Late at night when I get into bed,
put my head on the pillow,
529
00:37:11,604 --> 00:37:13,522
and turn out the lights.
530
00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:18,027
That's when she likes
to talk about cancer,
531
00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:24,158
child abductions, and the end of days.
532
00:37:26,619 --> 00:37:30,581
Whatever bad news
she gathered up during the day,
533
00:37:30,957 --> 00:37:34,126
she's gonna sprinkle
on my side of the bed.
534
00:37:36,671 --> 00:37:39,924
Until she unloads and starts to snore.
535
00:37:45,388 --> 00:37:49,934
As soon as she turns out the light,
"I spoke to your mom on the phone today."
536
00:37:50,810 --> 00:37:55,815
"She sounded so old. I wonder
how much more time we have with her."
537
00:38:00,486 --> 00:38:04,824
"Have you pet the cat recently?
He's got a tumor on his neck."
538
00:38:06,492 --> 00:38:10,913
"Carol's cat grew a tumor. It's so big,
it looks like he's wearing a hat."
539
00:38:13,165 --> 00:38:16,335
"Did I mention I spoke to your mom
on the phone today?"
540
00:38:16,419 --> 00:38:18,879
"Who's older, your mother or your father?"
541
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:22,383
"One of 'em's not making it
to Christmas, I can feel it."
542
00:38:26,512 --> 00:38:30,057
"I can't believe our daughters
are going away to college soon."
543
00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:34,562
"It's terrible to think they'll be out in
the world with all those horrible men."
544
00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:37,106
"Probably no more horrible
than what they're doing
545
00:38:37,189 --> 00:38:39,650
in their rooms on their phones
right now, though."
546
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:43,946
"Carol's daughters have been
taking pictures of their vaginas,
547
00:38:44,363 --> 00:38:46,198
putting 'em on the internet."
548
00:38:51,787 --> 00:38:55,458
"Do you think that's what
our daughters are doing right now?"
549
00:38:56,751 --> 00:39:01,464
"Twenty feet from our bed,
on our family plan?"
550
00:39:05,551 --> 00:39:08,596
"I spoke to your mom.
I spoke to your mom on the..."
551
00:39:08,679 --> 00:39:12,433
[snoring, exhales deeply]
552
00:39:21,275 --> 00:39:24,236
And I stare at the ceiling
for six straight hours
553
00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:26,989
just waiting for the sun to come up
554
00:39:27,073 --> 00:39:30,701
so I can get some coffee, and get away
from this devil woman I sleep with.
555
00:39:35,873 --> 00:39:39,377
Shouldn't be sleeping
in the same bed anymore. Not all the time.
556
00:39:39,460 --> 00:39:40,878
Once in a while it's fun.
557
00:39:40,961 --> 00:39:44,006
But, you know look,
I hope you find love in life. I really do.
558
00:39:44,090 --> 00:39:46,008
I hope you're as lucky as I have been.
559
00:39:46,092 --> 00:39:49,178
It doesn't mean a life sentence
of having to be in the same bed
560
00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:51,514
with your partner
for the rest of your life.
561
00:39:51,972 --> 00:39:55,101
Oh my God. Look, I tell her,
"Look, someone's leaving tonight."
562
00:39:55,184 --> 00:39:58,187
"Someone's getting the pillow,
kicking the other one
563
00:39:58,270 --> 00:40:01,148
and leaving in the middle
of the night in a rage."
564
00:40:01,232 --> 00:40:04,151
Why not do that at 10:00,
with a peck on the cheek?
565
00:40:07,571 --> 00:40:11,575
"Love you. Mwah.
See you in the morning. Mwah"
566
00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:16,247
She won't do it. She's hanging on to
the young version of us.
567
00:40:16,330 --> 00:40:19,208
And of course, starting out,
you should be in the same bed.
568
00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:22,128
You have to be!
You're young, sexual, you're in love.
569
00:40:22,211 --> 00:40:23,963
Make love three times a night.
570
00:40:24,046 --> 00:40:28,759
You end up asleep in a pretzel twist,
foot in your face, hanging upside down.
571
00:40:28,843 --> 00:40:30,928
And you do sleep well that way.
572
00:40:31,011 --> 00:40:34,265
That's the thing. You actually sleep
a solid eight hours that way.
573
00:40:34,348 --> 00:40:37,601
And you wake up in the morning
so refreshed and in love.
574
00:40:37,685 --> 00:40:40,855
You look at each other,
"Let's do it again."
575
00:40:40,938 --> 00:40:43,399
"Let's have morning sex," you say.
576
00:40:44,150 --> 00:40:46,402
We don't say that where I live.
577
00:40:47,653 --> 00:40:51,449
No, we're too busy in the morning
pointing at each other
578
00:40:51,532 --> 00:40:55,995
and blaming each other
for who ruined the sleep last night.
579
00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:05,463
"It was you. There's something
wrong with you."
580
00:41:05,546 --> 00:41:08,632
"Oh, no. You need a doctor."
581
00:41:09,842 --> 00:41:13,846
"There's something inside of you
and it's trying to get out."
582
00:41:17,766 --> 00:41:22,104
And the reality is it's probably
both of us because we're over 40.
583
00:41:22,188 --> 00:41:25,483
And if you're over 40,
you have a 50% chance of getting
584
00:41:25,566 --> 00:41:27,526
a good night's sleep tonight.
585
00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:29,528
Fifty percent. Just you, alone.
586
00:41:29,612 --> 00:41:32,198
Fifty percent chance
you'll get a good night's sleep.
587
00:41:32,281 --> 00:41:34,950
'Cause you're dying. You're slowly dying.
588
00:41:35,826 --> 00:41:40,122
Your body's trying to choke you out
and technology's keeping you alive.
589
00:41:41,624 --> 00:41:44,293
Fifty percent chance you'll get
a good night's sleep.
590
00:41:44,376 --> 00:41:48,756
And not 'cause you did something crazy,
not 'cause you went on a cocaine bender.
591
00:41:48,839 --> 00:41:53,177
No, someone had a cookie after 6:00.
592
00:41:59,391 --> 00:42:02,853
"Donna had cheese at the party. Oh, no!"
593
00:42:02,978 --> 00:42:05,773
"She's not going
to breathe right for a week."
594
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:11,695
"Bob had three beers. Three beers.
Welcome to the Fart Palace."
595
00:42:13,656 --> 00:42:16,116
"Buckle up. No one's sleeping tonight."
596
00:42:19,161 --> 00:42:22,790
My wife has a lot going on.
She grinds her teeth in her sleep.
597
00:42:22,873 --> 00:42:26,252
She's so angry she's grinding
her own teeth down to nubs.
598
00:42:27,127 --> 00:42:30,005
Rather than find out the cause
of that, they don't do that.
599
00:42:30,089 --> 00:42:33,217
Instead they just give
her an NFL issued mouthpiece
600
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:37,346
and just shove that in her mouth
like a chew toy from Petco.
601
00:42:40,349 --> 00:42:44,186
She goes through three or four
a month like an angry beaver.
602
00:42:44,270 --> 00:42:47,064
[grinding]
603
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:51,443
I wake up with bits
of plastic all over my face.
604
00:42:51,527 --> 00:42:53,696
[grinding]
605
00:42:58,242 --> 00:43:01,078
And it's blue and it glows in the dark.
606
00:43:01,495 --> 00:43:04,873
Yeah, that's how I know
if we're fooling around at night.
607
00:43:04,957 --> 00:43:08,335
If I see a blue floaty thing
coming across the room...
608
00:43:11,338 --> 00:43:12,548
Not happening.
609
00:43:14,049 --> 00:43:18,637
Not tonight.
She just put on her equipment.
610
00:43:20,472 --> 00:43:26,061
Put on her headgear and her mouthguard
and her eucalyptus ointments,
611
00:43:26,145 --> 00:43:30,399
climbs into bed with her
unshaved legs like a koala bear.
612
00:43:31,191 --> 00:43:34,903
Like an angry koala bear
trying out for the Packers.
613
00:43:42,369 --> 00:43:45,664
And she gets up to pee like six,
seven times a night.
614
00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:49,585
I didn't know a woman could have
a swollen prostate, but she does.
615
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:53,756
And when she walks, her ankle pops.
616
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:56,508
You can hear it! Pop, pop, pop, pop.
617
00:43:57,635 --> 00:44:02,431
You don't hear it during the day when
there's leaf blowers and garbage trucks.
618
00:44:02,514 --> 00:44:04,558
You don't hear it at all.
619
00:44:04,642 --> 00:44:08,228
Three o'clock in the morning,
loudest sound you'll ever hear.
620
00:44:08,312 --> 00:44:09,772
Pop, pop, pop, pop.
621
00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:12,566
Trying to breathe
through the mouthpiece...
622
00:44:12,650 --> 00:44:15,694
[breathing hoarsely]
623
00:44:15,778 --> 00:44:18,739
Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
[breathing hoarsely]
624
00:44:18,822 --> 00:44:22,576
It's like Darth Vader's trapped
in bubble wrap in my bedroom.
625
00:44:23,994 --> 00:44:26,872
And that's why you
should get married, too.
626
00:44:28,874 --> 00:44:30,876
[audience cheering]
627
00:44:41,595 --> 00:44:44,056
It's weird being a human being, isn't it?
628
00:44:44,139 --> 00:44:47,601
This is weird, what you're going through.
I know, 'cause I'm one, too.
629
00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:49,436
It's weird.
630
00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:51,897
The reason we're here,
to connect with people.
631
00:44:51,980 --> 00:44:54,066
It's our whole thing,
connect with people.
632
00:44:54,149 --> 00:44:57,986
Befriend people, date people,
marry people, make new people.
633
00:44:58,070 --> 00:45:00,989
But everybody that you fall in love with,
connect with,
634
00:45:01,073 --> 00:45:04,159
you have more to worry about.
Every love is a worry.
635
00:45:04,243 --> 00:45:07,621
It's a weird way to live.
That's why everyone's on drugs.
636
00:45:09,748 --> 00:45:11,458
First time I took my daughter
637
00:45:11,542 --> 00:45:13,877
into a doctor's appointment
when she was a baby,
638
00:45:13,961 --> 00:45:17,548
Her first doctor's appointment I realized,
"I'm never gonna sleep again."
639
00:45:17,631 --> 00:45:21,969
I never loved something so much
and felt so vulnerable at the same time.
640
00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:25,222
It's a weird way to live.
Everything was cool, but terrifying.
641
00:45:25,305 --> 00:45:28,642
Doctor's like, "Everything's great,
everything's good."
642
00:45:28,725 --> 00:45:29,935
"Okay, good."
643
00:45:30,018 --> 00:45:32,438
"One thing."
"Oh, shit. What is it?"
644
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,857
Start sweating immediately.
645
00:45:34,940 --> 00:45:38,735
"Not a big deal,
but her head is in the fifth percentile."
646
00:45:43,073 --> 00:45:44,658
"What does that mean?"
647
00:45:44,741 --> 00:45:48,912
"It means that 95% of the heads
out there are bigger than her head."
648
00:45:50,038 --> 00:45:53,041
"What?"
"Yes. Only 5% of the population
649
00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:55,419
have a head as small as your daughter."
650
00:45:55,502 --> 00:45:58,297
"You don't see them,
'cause they're scurrying in the dark
651
00:45:58,380 --> 00:46:00,007
from alleyway to alleyway."
652
00:46:04,178 --> 00:46:05,179
"What?"
653
00:46:05,596 --> 00:46:08,140
"Not a big deal. We'll just
check every six months."
654
00:46:08,223 --> 00:46:10,434
"Okay."
I got her home,
655
00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:13,312
I took her to the playroom,
started blowing in her mouth.
656
00:46:13,395 --> 00:46:15,772
[blowing] "Come on, grow."
657
00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:21,945
Panicked for two years. There's nothing
to worry. Everyone's head grows.
658
00:46:22,029 --> 00:46:25,282
You never walk through the mall,
see someone with a ping pong head
659
00:46:25,365 --> 00:46:28,535
walking down the hall,
with a bottle cap for a hat. "Hello."
660
00:46:31,955 --> 00:46:34,124
No, everyone's head is fine.
661
00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:37,586
But you shouldn't stop loving
because of the fear. You can't.
662
00:46:37,669 --> 00:46:41,173
The more love, the less you actually
are frightened. You keep doing it.
663
00:46:41,256 --> 00:46:44,801
All the closest people in your life,
you don't know what they're up to.
664
00:46:44,885 --> 00:46:48,514
Everyone's got their own secrets, lives.
You're not responsible for them.
665
00:46:48,597 --> 00:46:50,849
Even the people you make!
Even your children!
666
00:46:51,058 --> 00:46:53,894
My daughter came home from college,
first year of college,
667
00:46:53,977 --> 00:46:56,313
I was like, "You're an adult now.
Welcome home."
668
00:46:56,396 --> 00:46:59,942
"Would you like some wine with dinner?
You're a grown-up now. Welcome."
669
00:47:00,025 --> 00:47:03,278
"How about some wine?"
"No, thanks, Dad. I don't drink."
670
00:47:03,362 --> 00:47:05,572
"Oh."
"I don't like alcohol."
671
00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:08,700
"Oh. What a good dad I am."
672
00:47:10,452 --> 00:47:12,454
She said, "I only smoke weed."
673
00:47:14,581 --> 00:47:16,708
"Oh? How long you been doing that?"
674
00:47:16,792 --> 00:47:19,503
"Since I was a freshman in high school,"
she said!
675
00:47:21,129 --> 00:47:22,047
"Oh?"
676
00:47:23,131 --> 00:47:25,842
"Where?"
"In my room," she said.
677
00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:28,971
Four years, straight A student.
678
00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:34,309
High as a kite, in my house.
She loved the weed.
679
00:47:34,393 --> 00:47:36,979
Here's the problem. I love the weed more.
680
00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:41,733
And for four years I didn't smoke it
because I wanted to be
681
00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:43,944
a good example for the children.
682
00:47:45,904 --> 00:47:49,074
For four years, I ate nothing but handfuls
683
00:47:49,157 --> 00:47:52,286
of melatonin gummies
to get some kind of buzz
684
00:47:52,369 --> 00:47:54,121
and eventually fall asleep.
685
00:47:54,204 --> 00:47:56,999
She was doing bong hits
right down the hall.
686
00:48:07,467 --> 00:48:11,555
My real goal, what I've learned having
these kids is make good people.
687
00:48:11,638 --> 00:48:15,183
There's a lot of bad people,
there's a lot of good people.
688
00:48:15,267 --> 00:48:17,519
We can't change the bad people,
apparently,
689
00:48:17,603 --> 00:48:20,856
but maybe we could outnumber them
by making more good people.
690
00:48:20,939 --> 00:48:22,566
Should be easy.
691
00:48:22,649 --> 00:48:26,111
[audience applauds]
692
00:48:26,653 --> 00:48:30,991
It's not like bad people are making
great kids. No, they make shitty kids.
693
00:48:31,074 --> 00:48:35,704
You see them out there, knocking things
over in restaurants, falling down wells.
694
00:48:37,247 --> 00:48:39,750
I don't know why we even scoop 'em out.
695
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:43,462
Who's falling down a well? Not a good kid.
696
00:48:43,545 --> 00:48:45,339
They're gonna fall again.
697
00:48:46,423 --> 00:48:50,260
Seems like it should be easy to change
bad people, doesn't it? Should be easy.
698
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:54,431
it's common sense: your life will be
better if you just turn it down a notch,
699
00:48:54,514 --> 00:48:56,600
and try and get along with the rest of us.
700
00:48:56,725 --> 00:49:00,228
I know you don't care about anyone else,
but your life will be better,
701
00:49:00,312 --> 00:49:03,357
and less stressed
if you just turn it down a notch.
702
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,859
We're not even asking you
to do anything extra.
703
00:49:05,942 --> 00:49:09,446
Just do less of what you're doing now.
704
00:49:11,198 --> 00:49:12,616
Start small.
705
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:14,618
Start small.
706
00:49:14,701 --> 00:49:17,788
Don't put testicles
on the back of your pickup truck.
707
00:49:18,872 --> 00:49:20,791
Why are you doing that?
708
00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:25,212
What is wrong with you?
And why are you doing that?
709
00:49:25,587 --> 00:49:28,674
I have a minivan filled
with children and old people.
710
00:49:28,757 --> 00:49:31,760
We don't need you teabagging us
on the freeway.
711
00:49:38,058 --> 00:49:40,102
Not easy to be good,
you gotta work at it.
712
00:49:40,185 --> 00:49:43,814
You're good people, I can tell.
People at my shows are always nice people.
713
00:49:43,897 --> 00:49:46,108
But you gotta work at it.
You all drive cars,
714
00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:48,610
so I know you're an asshole
once in a while.
715
00:49:48,694 --> 00:49:52,030
Everyone's merging, a nice beautiful day.
You even surprise yourself.
716
00:49:52,114 --> 00:49:53,740
All of a sudden, out of nowhere,
717
00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:57,327
"Not today, you old bag.
You're not getting in front of me. No!"
718
00:49:57,994 --> 00:50:01,331
"I feel you're looking at me.
I'm not gonna look back."
719
00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:04,751
"Not today, raisin face. Not today."
720
00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:08,088
Where the hell did that come from?
721
00:50:08,171 --> 00:50:10,966
Got to work at it.
Be nice to people in customer service.
722
00:50:11,049 --> 00:50:14,678
Be nice to people in customer service.
You think they want to wait on you?
723
00:50:14,803 --> 00:50:17,514
These people waiting--
No, you're not the queen
724
00:50:17,597 --> 00:50:19,766
because you walked into a restaurant.
725
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:22,728
They don't want to wait on you.
They just-- It's their job.
726
00:50:22,811 --> 00:50:24,896
They just wanna make money,
pay their rent,
727
00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:26,815
and buy some cocaine on the way home.
728
00:50:29,151 --> 00:50:30,819
And from a former busboy,
729
00:50:30,902 --> 00:50:34,614
be nice to the busboys,
those people will lick your rolls.
730
00:50:38,493 --> 00:50:41,246
Be nice to people
in customer service on the phone.
731
00:50:41,329 --> 00:50:44,166
You think these kids in India
want these jobs? Helping us?
732
00:50:44,249 --> 00:50:46,668
No, they just want
their families to survive.
733
00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:49,838
Can you imagine them telling their friends
they got these jobs?
734
00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:52,674
"I got a job today."
"Good for you! What are you doing?"
735
00:50:52,799 --> 00:50:56,636
"I'm gonna help Americans
fix their computers over the phone."
736
00:50:57,345 --> 00:50:58,847
"Oh, no!"
737
00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:02,809
"You don't even have a computer."
"I know."
738
00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:07,981
"You hardly speak English."
"I know."
739
00:51:09,483 --> 00:51:12,235
"They're gonna kill you."
"I start tomorrow."
740
00:51:15,322 --> 00:51:17,449
I'm supporting babies who cry
on airplanes.
741
00:51:17,532 --> 00:51:19,409
Yeah. I'm team baby now.
742
00:51:19,493 --> 00:51:22,496
I'm always next to some businessman
who's always complaining.
743
00:51:22,579 --> 00:51:24,581
"Who's gonna shut that damn kid up?"
744
00:51:24,664 --> 00:51:27,542
No, wait a minute. You shut up.
You're a man.
745
00:51:27,626 --> 00:51:31,338
You're a man with hairy arms and a wallet.
746
00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:36,510
You chose to be on this flight.
That baby doesn't wanna be here.
747
00:51:36,593 --> 00:51:40,388
No baby wants to be at 30,000 feet
with their skeleton collapsing
748
00:51:40,472 --> 00:51:42,390
like a Poland Spring bottle.
749
00:51:44,434 --> 00:51:48,021
Sitting at ass level with all you
middle-aged gas bags,
750
00:51:48,104 --> 00:51:50,690
crop dusting them on the way to your seat.
751
00:51:51,274 --> 00:51:54,861
No, that kid's in a bad spot right now.
752
00:51:54,945 --> 00:51:57,280
He should be crying on the airplane.
753
00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:00,325
We all should be crying on the airplane.
754
00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:03,036
He's the only honest one
on the goddamn plane.
755
00:52:09,876 --> 00:52:12,796
And let me be clear.
I'm not even a fan of babies.
756
00:52:12,879 --> 00:52:15,924
I'm not. I made two
and I still don't like 'em.
757
00:52:16,007 --> 00:52:20,762
I don't trust anyone who's heart you can
see beating out of the top of their head.
758
00:52:21,471 --> 00:52:24,558
Useless dinner roll feet,
can't stand for years.
759
00:52:24,641 --> 00:52:28,603
No, I don't like them. But if
a kid's crying, they're in a bad spot.
760
00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:32,691
They're at church, restaurant
or on a plane. You know, let 'em cry.
761
00:52:32,774 --> 00:52:35,861
You took 'em out too early.
Why you gotta take them everywhere?
762
00:52:35,944 --> 00:52:38,655
They're babies. Leave 'em at home.
That's a happy baby.
763
00:52:39,322 --> 00:52:43,326
At home, 72 degrees, naked,
Cheerios stuck to their torso.
764
00:52:43,827 --> 00:52:47,539
Eating out of the cat dish.
That's a happy baby.
765
00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:51,835
You gotta go out, putting a big
pink bow on her bald head
766
00:52:51,918 --> 00:52:53,962
so everyone stops calling her a boy.
767
00:52:55,547 --> 00:52:58,466
She looks like a boy. She's not done yet.
768
00:53:00,176 --> 00:53:04,639
She looks like a man. She looks like
a middle-aged man working at the docks.
769
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:09,603
Give her a year,
let her fill in, then take her for a ride.
770
00:53:12,022 --> 00:53:14,608
Now you wanna complain
to me about toddlers
771
00:53:14,691 --> 00:53:18,445
who have their own seats in
business class? I'll listen to you.
772
00:53:19,279 --> 00:53:20,822
Because that should be illegal.
773
00:53:21,406 --> 00:53:24,200
I travel a lot,
that's tough to take, my friends,
774
00:53:24,284 --> 00:53:26,912
when I don't get the upgrade,
and I'm jammed in coach
775
00:53:26,995 --> 00:53:29,831
between two sumo wrestlers in track suits
776
00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:33,168
eating pretzels like a praying mantis
for six hours.
777
00:53:38,256 --> 00:53:41,885
And the toddler standing naked
in my seat, drinking a mimosa
778
00:53:41,968 --> 00:53:44,763
and giving me the finger
through the curtain.
779
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:49,601
Tough to take.
780
00:53:52,437 --> 00:53:56,441
Look, I understand why we get angry
at babies, hearing them cry on a plane.
781
00:53:56,524 --> 00:54:00,153
Because you're scared. That
businessman's scared. We're all scared.
782
00:54:00,236 --> 00:54:03,365
It's scary up there. Scary. It's scary.
783
00:54:03,448 --> 00:54:06,242
We're not far from
the children that we were.
784
00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:09,829
You get scared, hear a cry for help,
and get more unnerved.
785
00:54:09,913 --> 00:54:13,750
That was the nice thing about being home
for two years, you feel safe at home.
786
00:54:13,833 --> 00:54:17,128
Gives you this illusion that you've
got control over the universe.
787
00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:18,546
Which, of course, we don't.
788
00:54:18,630 --> 00:54:22,926
But at least there you know where the
toilet paper is, where all the spoons go.
789
00:54:23,051 --> 00:54:25,261
Then as soon as you travel,
it's uncertainty.
790
00:54:25,345 --> 00:54:27,347
I've had a great time with you tonight.
791
00:54:27,472 --> 00:54:29,975
This was a wonderful experience.
I love all of you,
792
00:54:30,058 --> 00:54:31,810
but it was hell getting here.
793
00:54:32,394 --> 00:54:33,979
Soon as you get to security,
794
00:54:34,062 --> 00:54:37,023
you're like a third grader
being yelled at by the principal.
795
00:54:37,107 --> 00:54:40,276
As soon as you leave your house,
Security's holding up your bag.
796
00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:43,238
"Whose bag is this?"
"Ah, shit. My bag."
797
00:54:44,698 --> 00:54:46,700
"Is there water in here?"
"Maybe."
798
00:54:48,243 --> 00:54:51,037
"You're a moron."
"No, I can do things."
799
00:54:58,169 --> 00:55:00,755
Then you get to the hotel,
more uncertainty, right?
800
00:55:00,839 --> 00:55:03,425
How does the key work?
How does the elevator work?
801
00:55:03,508 --> 00:55:06,219
How's the remote control?
How's the thermostat work?
802
00:55:06,302 --> 00:55:07,971
Whose curly hair is this?
803
00:55:08,054 --> 00:55:10,390
[audience groans]
804
00:55:12,726 --> 00:55:16,312
How do you turn on the lamp?
How do you turn on the damn lamp?
805
00:55:16,396 --> 00:55:20,108
Why are there so many lamps?
You can never find the switch on the lamp.
806
00:55:20,191 --> 00:55:24,487
Is it on the base? Is it on the stem?
Is it a chain? Where's the switch?
807
00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:29,909
You put it on the wire, under the table?
You heartless sons of bitches.
808
00:55:36,249 --> 00:55:39,878
I'm just a strange man
in a strange town trying to survive.
809
00:55:39,961 --> 00:55:42,922
This is the easiest travel you could have,
by the way.
810
00:55:43,006 --> 00:55:46,509
This is alone with a wheelie bag.
Then you travel with your family.
811
00:55:46,593 --> 00:55:52,057
Oh. That's hell on Earth.
A family vacation? Don't do that.
812
00:55:52,140 --> 00:55:55,351
Don't do that. Look, a family
is a bad organization.
813
00:55:55,435 --> 00:55:57,479
It barely works at home.
814
00:55:58,646 --> 00:56:00,690
Why would you take it on the road?
815
00:56:01,900 --> 00:56:03,902
And I'm always so stupid.
I always think,
816
00:56:03,985 --> 00:56:06,362
when we get to the resort,
then I'll have fun.
817
00:56:06,446 --> 00:56:10,742
Travel will be hell, of course, but when
we get to the resort, I'll have my time.
818
00:56:10,825 --> 00:56:12,160
No, you moron.
819
00:56:12,243 --> 00:56:16,164
Now you're in this weird reality show
with obstacles being thrown at you
820
00:56:16,247 --> 00:56:19,417
you couldn't even dream of.
They come running out of nowhere.
821
00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:22,879
"Your wife was just stung
in the vagina by a jellyfish, go!"
822
00:56:29,427 --> 00:56:32,305
"Your mother-in-law is trying out
her Spanish on the busboy
823
00:56:32,388 --> 00:56:34,599
and saying slightly racist comments, go!"
824
00:56:36,768 --> 00:56:39,437
Lo siento, lo siento.
825
00:56:41,523 --> 00:56:44,859
"Your youngest child broke out in hives
in the middle of the night."
826
00:56:44,943 --> 00:56:48,279
"There's not a hospital for hours.
What do you do?" What do I do?
827
00:56:48,363 --> 00:56:52,117
I'm gonna get a dirty
Benadryl out of the bottom of my backpack,
828
00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:54,410
take the hair off it, give it to her,
829
00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:57,831
put her back in bed
and hope she wakes up in the morning.
830
00:56:58,748 --> 00:57:01,626
I'm not a doctor.
I'm a drunk dad on vacation.
831
00:57:10,426 --> 00:57:13,680
And news flash, the kids
don't wanna be there either.
832
00:57:13,763 --> 00:57:17,684
No kid wants to be trapped in a hotel
room with their half-naked parents.
833
00:57:17,767 --> 00:57:20,520
The only two people
who can get them in trouble.
834
00:57:20,603 --> 00:57:24,149
Your whole childhood is spent
getting away from your parents.
835
00:57:24,232 --> 00:57:28,820
Hiding in tree houses, piles of leaves,
sleeping over at your friend's house.
836
00:57:28,903 --> 00:57:31,739
My friends and I used
to play in a drain pipe.
837
00:57:31,823 --> 00:57:37,579
A drain pipe that took all the human waste
from the town and dumped it in the lake.
838
00:57:37,662 --> 00:57:41,666
Yes, that's where we played,
in the town shit pipe.
839
00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:44,461
And we loved it
840
00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:48,339
because we knew our parents
would never look for us in the shit pipe.
841
00:57:49,299 --> 00:57:52,051
"Tom's been gone awhile.
Do you think he's in the pipe?"
842
00:57:52,135 --> 00:57:53,720
"No."
843
00:57:53,803 --> 00:57:55,805
It's scary in the shit pipe.
844
00:57:55,889 --> 00:57:58,558
It was! There were ghosts
and that clown from It.
845
00:57:58,641 --> 00:58:00,268
It was scary in there.
846
00:58:00,810 --> 00:58:04,689
But I would much rather be in the pipe
than sitting in a hotel room
847
00:58:04,772 --> 00:58:09,027
at the end of the bed waiting
for my father to come out of the bathroom
848
00:58:09,110 --> 00:58:10,778
for an hour and a half.
849
00:58:13,072 --> 00:58:14,908
"What are those noises?"
850
00:58:16,951 --> 00:58:20,497
"Sounded like a bear rummaging through
a dumpster filled with balloons."
851
00:58:22,957 --> 00:58:26,586
He'd come out an hour later.
"I wouldn't go in there if I were you."
852
00:58:27,212 --> 00:58:30,465
"But I have to go in there.
There's nowhere else to go."
853
00:58:30,840 --> 00:58:33,551
Walking through a toxic haze. [groans]
854
00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:37,472
"Why does it smell like
an antique pet shop in here?"
855
00:58:38,848 --> 00:58:42,185
Standing in your socks in water.
"What did he do?"
856
00:58:44,145 --> 00:58:45,939
That's childhood, isn't it?
857
00:58:46,022 --> 00:58:49,442
Being stuck in your socks,
in some place you didn't ask to go.
858
00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:53,029
It's tough being a kid, isn't it?
It's like a hostage situation.
859
00:58:53,112 --> 00:58:57,242
Eighteen years being dragged around
by these two kidnappers.
860
00:58:57,325 --> 00:59:01,287
No money, no identification. 18 years.
861
00:59:01,371 --> 00:59:03,122
No decision is your own.
862
00:59:03,206 --> 00:59:05,291
"Get in the car."
"Where're we going?"
863
00:59:05,375 --> 00:59:07,293
"I said get in the car."
864
00:59:12,757 --> 00:59:14,551
Thank you so much for coming.
865
00:59:15,927 --> 00:59:19,097
You guys were tremendous.
Thank you so much.
866
00:59:19,180 --> 00:59:21,891
[audience cheering, applauding]
867
00:59:25,812 --> 00:59:30,817
Sincerely, thank you so much.
Take care of yourselves.
868
00:59:30,900 --> 00:59:35,196
Take care of yourselves and I'll see you
next time around. Thank you.
869
00:59:37,907 --> 00:59:40,994
[cheering, applauding]