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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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-[cheering and applause]
-[lively music playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[emcee] Give it up
for my good friend and yours,

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Whitney Cummings!

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[cheering continues]

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What is up, Newark, New Jersey?

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[cheering]

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Whoo! Thank you so much for coming out.

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This is my fifth stand-up special
I am taping with you tonight.

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It's been a minute.

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Uh, my last special, just to catch you up,

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I had announced
that I had just gotten engaged.

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-[cheering]
-Um…

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nope, nope, nope.

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My personality handled that.

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The problem is, nobody's happy for me
when I say I'm not engaged anymore.

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I was just used to,
when you're in your twenties

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and you break up with someone,
everyone is so proud of you.

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They're like, "Good for you,
you don't need him, fuck him!"

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You break up with someone
in your late thirties

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and people are like…

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"Are you sure?"

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You break up with someone
in your twenties,

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everybody's worried
about your emotional state.

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They're like, "How are you feeling?"

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You break up with someone
in your late thirties,

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people are just worried
about your physical safety.

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They're like, "You live alone again?"

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"What if you fall?"

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I guess I'm a late bloomer.

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It took this long for me to figure out
what I wanted in a relationship,

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although I finally figured out
what I wanted-- a man--

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only to realize that what I want
is now considered creepy.

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Um…

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I know it's not popular to say,
but I'm into older men.

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That's my thing, I like an older man.

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[applause]

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Are there any here tonight

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or did COVID get 'em?

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[laughter]

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Do we have any at all? Did any make it?

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How old are you, sir?

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-Sixty.
-Sixty! Aaaaaah…

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I can't-- I can't help it.

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Why is that so hot to me?

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It's not even like a choice.

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It's like every cell in my body

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is just like, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,
Daddy, Daddy…"

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And then just…

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[splutters]

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But we can't, we can't do this, sir.

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[inhales sharply]

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Dating an older man
is now considered creepy.

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I think it was 'cause of all
that sexual harassment news.

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Now it's, like, creepy to date older guys.

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You're not creepy, sir, it's not you.

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It's not you specifically.

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It's just everything your generation made

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is a little sketchy.

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I dated an older guy last year
and we went on a road trip.

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Every song on his playlist was,
like, wild.

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It was like…
♪ Hey, little girl ♪

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♪ Is your daddy home? ♪

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♪ Did he go away
And leave you all alone? ♪

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I was like, "Oh, God."

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I used to love that song.

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That shit does not hit the same way.

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But the good thing
about dating older guys is that

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every now and then, you get to listen
to R. Kelly by accident.

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'Cause they didn't hear about it.

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M'kay? Yahoo! News or whatever

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didn't cover that story.

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Oh, wow, you're gonna try
to be woke with me?

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Newark? You sure?

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You're gonna try to tell me when
the R. Kelly "Ignition Remix" comes on--

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and it's not your fault--
that that isn't a gift from God?

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Okay, I'm not an asshole.
I'm not just going to enjoy the song.

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I'm obviously going to educate him,
you know.

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I'm gonna be like, "Baby,
you need to turn this song off."

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"You need to turn…"

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"You need to turn
this song off immediately."

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"This man is disgusting."

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"This man…"

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"This man was a sexual predator."

86
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"What he did was wrong."

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"He objectified women."

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"There's a documentary
I need you to watch immediately."

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"There's a Gayle King interview
I need you to turn on,

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and you need to turn this song off
in three minutes."

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Not dating an older man
didn't work out for me.

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I did, however, get conned
into dating a younger guy.

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I'm dating a man
who's nine years younger than I am.

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[splutters]

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People are so down on younger guys,

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like, "How do you communicate with him?"

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Like, he speaks, he can speak.
He's not that young.

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Um…

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The only time we have
communication problems is when we text

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because he insists on texting
with the little videos,

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the little moving videos
that repeat 50 times.

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What are they called, giffies?

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GIFs! Everyone calls them
something different.

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All I know is that
if I don't respond for 20 minutes,

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I get Homer Simpson backing into a bush.

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Fifty fuckin' times in a row.

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I'm like, "I haven't seen this episode,
I don't know what this means."

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I know what most of the giffies mean,

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but sometimes it's just,
like, a random person.

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Like, usually, it's like Amy Poehler
from Parks and Recreation,

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or it's Steve Carell from The Office,

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but oftentimes it's just
a random fucking stranger

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out of context.

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When we first started dating,
he sent me one.

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It was like a random toddler
in the back seat of a car

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with buck-ass teeth.

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She was just staring at me,
she was like…

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I didn't know what I was looking at.

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I was with a girlfriend, like, "Dude,
if this is his kid, I'm fuckin' out."

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"Absolutely not, you need to fix that.
I can't-- no, no."

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"'Course not. I can't let that bitch ruin
my Christmas cards, so make that go away."

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People are very down
on younger guys, I feel like now.

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People always say, when I tell them
I'm dating a younger guy, they're like,

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"Well, he's a younger man."

125
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"Isn't he desensitized to women
from watching all that toxic porn?"

126
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Like, I don't think so.

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Younger guys are way more sensitive
because of whatever porn they're watching.

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He's always so worried about me.

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Like he gets really stressed out
when I go visit my stepbrother alone.

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Like, waits by the door.

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I'm like, "What are you…?"

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He's very sweet.

133
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The younger guys are nice.
They're nicer.

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I think that maybe it's 'cause
from all that sexual harassment news,

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I think the younger guys
might be scared of us or something,

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or maybe, you know, they respect us
all of the sudden, whatever it is.

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It's annoying as fuck.

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This guy, when we first hooked up,
he had to ask permission

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for everything he did, everything,
he had to ask consent.

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He'd be like, "Can I kiss you?"

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"Can I take off your bra?"

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I'd be like, "I don't know, bitch,
can you?"

143
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"I'm a 39-year-old woman."

144
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,591
"You want me to have an orgasm,
you better bring me

145
00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:07,010
to the brink of death and back."

146
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"Can you do that?"

147
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[cheering]

148
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They won't even choke us anymore.

149
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They're too afraid to choke us.

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He'll do a hover, it's like a choke hover.
He'll just hover his hands.

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I'm like, "What the fuck
am I supposed to do with that?"

152
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So now I have to…

153
00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:33,745
So now…

154
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So now I have to choke myself.

155
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I have to choke myself on your hand,

156
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so now I have to do
a sit-up on my day off?

157
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Is this what you bitches
marched for, shitty sex?

158
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Is this what you wanted?

159
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'Cause I would like to start a new march.

160
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"Pay us equally,

161
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but choke us like
the dirty whores we are."

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[cheering and applause]

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[Whitney chuckling]

164
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Ahh! He's very weird about that stuff

165
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because three months in,
he's still asking permission.

166
00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,698
I'm like, "What are you doing?
This is weird. Yes, of course, fine."

167
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He's like, "You just
never know these days."

168
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"All my guy friends, they all say now

169
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that sometimes
you can have sex with a girl,

170
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you'll think it's one thing,
and then later,

171
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you'll find out
that it was something else."

172
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What?

173
00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:29,593
I have a question-- I know this
is gonna get me in so much trouble,

174
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:33,931
but do you guys not know
when you're raping us?

175
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You seem confused.

176
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Two guys have sex with a girl,
your guy friends next day are like,

177
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"How did it go, man?" You're like…

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[inhales sharply]

179
00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:52,199
"Ahh!"

180
00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,243
"Dude, it could have gone either way."

181
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:55,619
"Um…"

182
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:59,706
"We either had amazing sex
or I'm going to jail, dude."

183
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,000
"Couldn't tell ya."

184
00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,210
[laughs]

185
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:04,962
And then he goes,
"If I don't explicitly ask,

186
00:09:05,087 --> 00:09:06,797
how am I supposed to know
if you're into it?"

187
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,340
I was like, "I see what's happening."

188
00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:11,635
"I need to make an announcement
to clear up some confusion."

189
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,136
"This will solve that problem."

190
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:16,890
"I know it's a bummer,
but during sex, every now and then,

191
00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:20,519
you guys are gonna
have to look at us in the face."

192
00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:22,187
"And I know it's a bummer."

193
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,110
"You're just gonna
have to check in, just quick…

194
00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,863
quick gander, just see what it…"

195
00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,155
"Look me in the eyes."

196
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,658
"If I'm crying, it's consensual."

197
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,159
"What's the confusion?"

198
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,953
"I feel like…"

199
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,372
[laughter and applause]

200
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:43,083
"…you're overcomplicating this."

201
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:47,754
No, I do like an aggressive man,

202
00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,841
but I think that things
have gotten a little too aggressive

203
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,384
in some fetish communities.

204
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:55,888
I dated a guy that was
in the dom-sub community.

205
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:57,514
It's a very real thing.

206
00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:59,391
And he said to me,
like on our third date,

207
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,310
"Just so you know,
I would have to be your dom,

208
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:02,519
you would be my sub."

209
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:05,939
"I will text you 30 times a day
orders that you have to follow,"

210
00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:08,692
and I was like… [clicks tongue]
"Let me stop you right there."

211
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:13,447
"You had me at 'texting 30 times a day.'
I'm fucking in, this sounds incredible."

212
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,575
Here's what I did learn, though.

213
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:20,287
If you're going to text a girl
30 times a day a bunch of orders,

214
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,122
you better know how to spell.

215
00:10:22,206 --> 00:10:25,250
So… you can't dominate me
if you don't know the difference

216
00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:26,543
between "your" and "you're."

217
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,962
You're gonna have to figure that out
at some point.

218
00:10:30,214 --> 00:10:32,966
I found it very silly
until I realized, like,

219
00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:35,844
when he was bossing me around
and telling me things to do,

220
00:10:35,928 --> 00:10:37,346
I was like, "This is so goofy,"

221
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:40,057
but then I realized
you can use that dom-sub thing

222
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:44,770
to change all the things
about your dude that annoy you.

223
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,730
He'd be like,
"Get down on your hands and knees!"

224
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:49,942
And I'll be like, "Mm! Okay."

225
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:51,276
"Hmm!"

226
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,570
"Hmm… and while I'm down here,

227
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,532
what if I took off those Birkenstocks…

228
00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:58,075
mmm…

229
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:00,827
and put them in the trash?"

230
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:03,622
"Ooh, I am so submissive."

231
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:09,920
"And then what if I took
this Fast and Furious poster

232
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,630
off the wall

233
00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:14,216
and put that in the garbage?"

234
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:17,094
"And then I'm going to take
this Call of Duty mouse pad,

235
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,428
'cause you're 40."

236
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:20,222
"Oooh!"

237
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:25,143
"And what if I took those
iridescent oak leaves off your head,

238
00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,562
and what if I sat on them?"

239
00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:29,022
"Ooh, so kinky, so kinky."

240
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,110
"And then I'm gonna
tell your roommate to move out!"

241
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,487
"Ooh, I am so submissive!"

242
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:40,576
[cheering]

243
00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:47,416
You gotta find the silver lining,
you never know.

244
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:50,669
I found it very silly, but every time
he would say something that spooked me,

245
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:54,173
I realized I'm old enough to maybe
benefit from this weird-ass lifestyle.

246
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:56,675
He'd be like, "If you're bad,
I have to punish you."

247
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,887
I'd be like… [snickering]
"What does that entail?"

248
00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:03,015
He'd be like, "I have to physically
hurt you," and I was like, "Eww."

249
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:04,600
"That sounds weird."

250
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:06,852
"Then again I pay people
to do that sometimes."

251
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:09,062
"Okay, you know
what would really punish me?"

252
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:13,025
"If you jammed your finger into this knot
right under my shoulder blade

253
00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:14,943
for like 45 minutes every day."

254
00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:16,987
"Ooh, that would punish me so much."

255
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,156
"You know what I hate--
when people crack my back."

256
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,699
"Oh, please don't!"

257
00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:28,165
[sighs] That did not work out.
I couldn't take it seriously.

258
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:31,710
This new guy, the younger guy, doesn't
make me do anything I don't wanna do.

259
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:33,795
Almost like--
it's a little much, actually.

260
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:35,464
I feel like I've gotten really lazy.

261
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:37,216
Uh, I recently sat him down

262
00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:41,428
and I had to retire
a couple sexual positions.

263
00:12:41,512 --> 00:12:46,183
It's a wrap on Reverse Cowgirl
for me personally.

264
00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:49,478
I'm not trying to be lazy,
I just don't think it's sexy anymore.

265
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:52,105
I think it's just more distracting
with my knees going

266
00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:55,984
"pop-pop-pop, crack-crack,
pop-pop-pop-pop, pop-pop-pop."

267
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,575
I do believe the joint pop during sex

268
00:13:03,659 --> 00:13:07,663
is truly the only thing
we cannot laugh about yet

269
00:13:08,372 --> 00:13:09,998
as a species.

270
00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:13,919
We can laugh about queefs at this point.
It's not embarrassing, guys love it.

271
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:16,922
They're like, "Yeah, my dick is so big,
I made that pussy fart, yeah."

272
00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,131
[imitating fart]

273
00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:21,218
They love it. They don't think
that you have a giant pussy,

274
00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:23,428
they think they have a giant dick,
you're fine.

275
00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:25,639
You're fine, you're fine.

276
00:13:26,557 --> 00:13:28,433
But that joint pop, that's embarrassing.

277
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:29,810
There's nothing…

278
00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:33,355
there's nothing you will not say
to get out of that situation, dude.

279
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,899
You go down, like, "pop-pop."
"Was that the bubble wrap?"

280
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,776
"I think that might have been
the bubble wrap."

281
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:40,988
"Pop-pop? Are we under attack,
was that a machine gun?"

282
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:43,949
I really try, I give it my all.
I just have too many injuries.

283
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:47,536
I go down, 20 seconds in, I'm jammed up.

284
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,580
I got that catcher's knee.

285
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:51,582
He knows right away, he'll be like,

286
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,458
"Baby, do you want to turn over?"

287
00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:59,548
"Turn over? Bitch, I live here now."

288
00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:03,135
"You're dating a 39-year-old woman."

289
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,512
"Reverse Cowgirl
is not the third or fourth position

290
00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:07,097
in a series of nine or ten."

291
00:14:07,181 --> 00:14:10,267
"It's the final position

292
00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:12,936
every time it is attempted, okay?"

293
00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,898
"The only thing to do at this point
is to figure out how I can dismount

294
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:17,441
with a modicum of dignity

295
00:14:18,192 --> 00:14:20,986
without further injuring my L4."

296
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:24,448
"Now, listen very carefully."

297
00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:28,952
"I'm gonna need you to scoot out."

298
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,247
"Need your little shimmy-shimmy,

299
00:14:32,331 --> 00:14:35,584
little reverse Storming Normandy,
shimmy outta there."

300
00:14:36,335 --> 00:14:39,046
"Now I'm gonna need you
to turn the lights out, pitch-black."

301
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,382
"Go get Mommy some Icy Hot

302
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:45,802
and some WD-40

303
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,723
while I figure out how to get out
of this goddamn nightmare."

304
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:52,392
[sighing]

305
00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:53,685
Now I injured my back,

306
00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:56,563
which means now I need
to retire Missionary.

307
00:14:56,647 --> 00:14:58,774
[laughing]

308
00:14:58,857 --> 00:15:01,235
And I also need to retire
this fucking joke.

309
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,529
Whoo!

310
00:15:03,612 --> 00:15:04,988
[applause]

311
00:15:11,495 --> 00:15:13,789
I'm very pro younger guys,
I'm telling you.

312
00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:18,335
They're very sweet, they're very caring,
they want us to have orgasms.

313
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,296
This guy always wants to check
to see if I have an orgasm.

314
00:15:21,380 --> 00:15:23,006
After we had sex, he's like,
"Did you come?"

315
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:25,175
I'm like, "Of course not."

316
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,345
"When would that have happened?
My hands are up here."

317
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,721
"What do you-- what?"

318
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,893
[applause]

319
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,436
[high-pitched whistling]

320
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:41,149
Was that a birdcall?
What the fuck's going on over there?

321
00:15:41,859 --> 00:15:45,445
No, he's very into that,
and he's very into, like, sex toys.

322
00:15:45,529 --> 00:15:48,532
For Valentine's Day,
he got me a sex toy as my main gift.

323
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,117
He showed up with this gorgeous box.

324
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,495
Gives it to me, he's like, "I found
this sex toy for you on Instagram."

325
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:58,876
"It's made for women by women."

326
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,587
I opened it, it's gorgeous.

327
00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:03,213
It's like this glass orb.

328
00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:06,550
I was like, "Baby, this is stunning.
We should put this on the coffee table."

329
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:11,763
"I would-- I would buy this at West Elm.
How much did you pay for that?"

330
00:16:11,847 --> 00:16:13,432
He was like, "It was $180."

331
00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:16,310
I was like, "Oh, you're going
to return that right now

332
00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:18,604
and I will masturbate with the cash."

333
00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:19,646
"So…"

334
00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:22,858
[laughter and applause]

335
00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:25,485
"Uh…"

336
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,656
"Something you don't know about me
is that my kink is thrift,

337
00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:33,076
and I'm never going to be able to have
an orgasm knowing that was $180."

338
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,371
"Get the fuck outta here.
Okay? You're dating an older woman."

339
00:16:36,455 --> 00:16:39,583
"We're ratchet as fuck
when it comes to sex toys, okay?"

340
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,377
"We came up on the jelly cocks."

341
00:16:43,212 --> 00:16:47,257
$18, 92 veins. That's a bargain.

342
00:16:47,341 --> 00:16:48,592
Now, that is a bargain.

343
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:51,303
They saved money
because they molded those jelly cocks

344
00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:55,516
onto a homeless man who had just
overdosed on methamphetamine and cocaine.

345
00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:56,767
They're like… [straining]

346
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,560
"We got it!"

347
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:02,856
"Now all we gotta do is cover it
in glitter and it's ready for market."

348
00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:04,650
[giggles]

349
00:17:05,651 --> 00:17:09,571
Those jelly cocks
had a suction cup on the back.

350
00:17:09,655 --> 00:17:11,782
You just pop that shit onto a wall.

351
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:15,202
Or a washing machine, in my case.

352
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:18,580
That is a product made for women.

353
00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:20,916
Is anyone dating an older woman?

354
00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:22,584
Younger man/older woman?

355
00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:25,587
-[man, clapping] Me.
-Yes. One guy. Okay.

356
00:17:25,671 --> 00:17:28,423
How much older?
How much older is she than you?

357
00:17:28,507 --> 00:17:29,967
-Three months.
-Three months.

358
00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:33,303
[laughter and applause]

359
00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:41,103
That's your definition
of "older woman," got it.

360
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:47,568
How old-- may I ask how old you are, sir?

361
00:17:47,651 --> 00:17:50,487
-[man] 53.
-53, oh, okay. Okay, got it.

362
00:17:50,571 --> 00:17:51,780
You do get points for that.

363
00:17:51,864 --> 00:17:54,324
Do you have a life insurance policy
on her or what's, uh…

364
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:56,660
[man] Her job does.

365
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,370
Her-- he went, "Her job does."

366
00:17:58,453 --> 00:17:59,580
Uh…

367
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,834
I do feel like a lot of guys
are now dating older women.

368
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:06,253
It's progressive, but at the same time,
you gotta watch it.

369
00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:09,256
Don't just pat yourself on the back.
You can't waste her time.

370
00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:12,759
You can't trifle with a woman
in her thirties, you know what I'm saying?

371
00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:16,346
If you're dating a woman in her thirties,
that's like going to the grocery store

372
00:18:16,430 --> 00:18:18,348
and buying avocados.

373
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:22,895
You better have a fuckin' plan.

374
00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:24,438
[laughter]

375
00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:26,815
[applause and cheering]

376
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,614
You don't just go to the grocery store
willy-nilly and decide,

377
00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:35,157
"I'm gonna buy some avocados."

378
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,076
No, you better have
fuckin' guacamole shit in your cart.

379
00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:39,661
You better have a party coming up,

380
00:18:39,745 --> 00:18:41,788
'cause you know
exactly how that's gonna end.

381
00:18:41,872 --> 00:18:43,999
Day one, you look
at those brand-new avocados,

382
00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:45,292
you're like,

383
00:18:46,877 --> 00:18:48,795
"I got all the time in the world."

384
00:18:48,879 --> 00:18:50,881
You have five days!

385
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,008
Like my dude, I tell him,
"I don't give a shit."

386
00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:55,219
"You're gonna marry me.
I will propose to you."

387
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:56,512
"I don't give a fuck, okay?"

388
00:18:56,595 --> 00:19:00,933
"I'm not gonna just let you watch me rot
while you plan a scavenger hunt

389
00:19:02,684 --> 00:19:05,020
so that I can hunt for my ring,

390
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:08,982
following a treasure map into the woods
like a fucking truffle pig."

391
00:19:09,066 --> 00:19:10,567
Like… [snorting]

392
00:19:10,651 --> 00:19:13,529
"Can I have my ring, please?" [snorting]

393
00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:18,534
You guys overthink the proposal thing.

394
00:19:18,617 --> 00:19:20,202
I feel like I want to get ahead of it.

395
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,246
I don't want him to get down
on one knee and propose.

396
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,498
I don't want him to see my neck
from this angle.

397
00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:26,959
Like, I feel like
I'll lose a lot of leverage.

398
00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:31,129
Don't you dare shoot my neck
from this fuckin' angle, either.

399
00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:34,842
No, I do not understand why women
don't propose to men more.

400
00:19:34,925 --> 00:19:37,636
Um, I always thought that was weird
until I thought through it.

401
00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:39,638
"Why don't I get down
on one knee and propose?"

402
00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:42,724
And then I realized why
'cause I thought it through, right?

403
00:19:42,808 --> 00:19:44,518
"Okay, I'm going
to get down on one knee…"

404
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,270
Pop-pop, crack-crack.

405
00:19:47,396 --> 00:19:49,773
And I realized that
if you're a woman proposing to a man,

406
00:19:49,857 --> 00:19:52,943
you have to open with something
completely different than the guys open.

407
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:54,111
I would have to open with,

408
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:58,657
"If you take your dick out right now,
I will fucking kill you."

409
00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:01,285
[laughter]

410
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,912
[scattered applause]

411
00:20:03,996 --> 00:20:05,831
[applause building]

412
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,169
"I thought that maybe

413
00:20:11,295 --> 00:20:14,631
all of our friends and family behind me

414
00:20:14,715 --> 00:20:17,384
might be a dead giveaway

415
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,887
that I'm not gonna suck your dick…

416
00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:24,016
on this beach…

417
00:20:26,018 --> 00:20:29,521
next to your niece who's filming."

418
00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:31,940
"But I guess I have to say this."

419
00:20:32,024 --> 00:20:34,067
"Also, when have I
sucked your dick on one knee?"

420
00:20:34,151 --> 00:20:37,738
"When have I ever been
in this configuration? Okay?"

421
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:40,991
"I would never suck your dick on one knee
because I know you would think

422
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:44,077
about Colin Kaepernick,
and we can't both be doing that."

423
00:20:44,161 --> 00:20:48,290
-[audience] Ooh!
-[scattered applause]

424
00:20:51,877 --> 00:20:54,379
Then I would just go
into my romantic speech.

425
00:20:55,547 --> 00:20:59,051
I'd be like, "Alex, will you make me
the happiest woman in the world

426
00:20:59,134 --> 00:21:01,011
and let me buy my own engagement ring?"

427
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:03,639
"'Cause you can't afford
the one I deserve."

428
00:21:03,722 --> 00:21:06,225
[laughter and applause]

429
00:21:08,393 --> 00:21:09,478
[inhales sharply]

430
00:21:09,561 --> 00:21:11,104
[sighs]

431
00:21:11,188 --> 00:21:13,774
I've been wrong before.
I can be wrong.

432
00:21:13,857 --> 00:21:15,440
But this is the first guy
I've ever dated

433
00:21:15,523 --> 00:21:17,778
where I do feel like
we might have kids together,

434
00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:20,072
but I also kind of want to make sure,
before we have kids,

435
00:21:20,155 --> 00:21:23,825
we do those, like, 23andMe tests
so I know what I'm in for.

436
00:21:23,909 --> 00:21:26,495
Has anyone done a 23andMe test?

437
00:21:26,578 --> 00:21:28,664
-[fan] Whoo!
-Yeah? How'd it go?

438
00:21:28,747 --> 00:21:29,998
[woman] I'm 10% Native American.

439
00:21:30,082 --> 00:21:32,459
You're 10% Native American,
but you didn't know that?

440
00:21:32,543 --> 00:21:33,502
[woman] No idea.

441
00:21:33,585 --> 00:21:37,005
Your kids will be getting into college,
so congratulations.

442
00:21:37,089 --> 00:21:38,590
You have that.

443
00:21:40,884 --> 00:21:42,761
I'm obsessed with these ancestry results.

444
00:21:42,845 --> 00:21:44,930
But no one will let me take that test.
They'll be like,

445
00:21:45,013 --> 00:21:46,682
"They're gonna take your data."

446
00:21:48,267 --> 00:21:50,018
Who gives a fuck?

447
00:21:50,102 --> 00:21:53,730
They'll be like, "They're gonna have
your phone number and email address."

448
00:21:53,814 --> 00:21:55,858
I'm like, "Okay."

449
00:21:55,941 --> 00:22:00,445
I'm old enough to remember
when there used to be a book

450
00:22:02,197 --> 00:22:04,533
full of everyone's phone numbers

451
00:22:04,616 --> 00:22:06,994
and home addresses

452
00:22:07,077 --> 00:22:09,663
and they would just throw it

453
00:22:10,289 --> 00:22:12,457
at your house.

454
00:22:12,541 --> 00:22:14,501
[applause]

455
00:22:18,255 --> 00:22:21,800
They were all over
people's porches, in bags.

456
00:22:21,884 --> 00:22:22,968
No one even opened them.

457
00:22:23,051 --> 00:22:27,139
Homeless people would wipe
their assholes with your data.

458
00:22:27,222 --> 00:22:30,142
No one wants your fuckin' data,

459
00:22:30,225 --> 00:22:32,853
you dorks!

460
00:22:33,812 --> 00:22:35,230
[laughter]

461
00:22:39,109 --> 00:22:43,113
Everyone in the audience in their twenties
is like, "She doesn't get it."

462
00:22:44,865 --> 00:22:48,911
"Our data is very precious.
Everyone's, like, obsessed with it."

463
00:22:48,994 --> 00:22:49,953
I'm aware.

464
00:22:50,037 --> 00:22:53,081
I have a 25-year-old guy
working in my office.

465
00:22:53,165 --> 00:22:55,834
Everything's about his privacy
and his data-- I can't even pay him.

466
00:22:55,918 --> 00:22:57,252
He will not send me his tax form.

467
00:22:57,336 --> 00:22:59,713
He's like, "I can't email this document."

468
00:22:59,796 --> 00:23:01,673
"This is a private document."

469
00:23:01,757 --> 00:23:03,050
"My private information."

470
00:23:03,133 --> 00:23:05,802
I'm like, "Cool."

471
00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:10,891
We used to fax our "private" documents

472
00:23:11,517 --> 00:23:15,187
to an establishment called Kinko's.

473
00:23:17,564 --> 00:23:20,609
To a communal tray.

474
00:23:21,485 --> 00:23:23,820
Full of other private documents.

475
00:23:23,904 --> 00:23:29,326
Our encryption, it was something
called a "cover page."

476
00:23:31,411 --> 00:23:34,998
Just a piece of paper you would put
on top of the other piece of paper.

477
00:23:35,082 --> 00:23:37,626
If there was a ceiling fan,
you were fucked.

478
00:23:40,796 --> 00:23:42,130
There's no privacy in Kinko's.

479
00:23:42,214 --> 00:23:44,216
You go to the front of the line,
like, "Hey, um,

480
00:23:44,299 --> 00:23:46,051
I'm here to pick up my private document."

481
00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:50,264
They'll be like, "Cool.
Are you the girl with the DUI or, uh…

482
00:23:50,347 --> 00:23:52,933
the one with the Valtrex prescription?"

483
00:23:53,016 --> 00:23:54,142
You'll be like,

484
00:23:54,226 --> 00:23:56,603
"Dude, chill, I'm both. Chill."

485
00:23:56,687 --> 00:23:58,397
[laughter]

486
00:23:58,522 --> 00:24:00,232
[scattered applause]

487
00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:03,694
You putting tape over your camera
on your computer, sir?

488
00:24:03,777 --> 00:24:05,696
You are? I knew it.

489
00:24:06,864 --> 00:24:09,157
Putting tape over your computer camera.

490
00:24:09,241 --> 00:24:11,743
You're like,
"Russia's not gonna see this dick."

491
00:24:17,165 --> 00:24:20,836
"They don't deserve to see
this V-neck and this dick."

492
00:24:24,423 --> 00:24:26,049
You deleting your cookies?

493
00:24:27,176 --> 00:24:31,054
You don't know, you're not sure.
That means, "Yes, every 20 seconds."

494
00:24:32,389 --> 00:24:33,891
All the guys in my office are like,

495
00:24:34,016 --> 00:24:36,435
"We need a program
that deletes all of our cookies."

496
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:39,271
I'm like, how much weird-ass porn
are you watching?

497
00:24:39,354 --> 00:24:43,025
Where is our homie, where is 65?
Where is our guy? Did he pass on?

498
00:24:43,108 --> 00:24:44,693
Okay, there he is. Um…

499
00:24:44,776 --> 00:24:45,777
[laughter]

500
00:24:45,861 --> 00:24:47,863
Listen to me. They-- if you can hear me.

501
00:24:47,946 --> 00:24:51,575
Listen, they… watch all the porn
on the Internet,

502
00:24:51,658 --> 00:24:54,578
and then they complain
that it doesn't get deleted fast enough.

503
00:24:54,661 --> 00:24:55,913
They have to delete their cookies.

504
00:24:56,038 --> 00:24:59,875
Do you have any idea what he had to do
when he wanted to see a pair of titties?

505
00:25:02,044 --> 00:25:05,214
He had to drive into town.

506
00:25:06,798 --> 00:25:09,384
Look for a newsstand.

507
00:25:09,468 --> 00:25:12,763
He had to look a grown man in the eye

508
00:25:13,889 --> 00:25:19,061
and say, "I would like
a Big Beaver magazine, please."

509
00:25:19,144 --> 00:25:20,562
[applause]

510
00:25:26,068 --> 00:25:29,780
His cookies was a human man!

511
00:25:30,948 --> 00:25:34,576
Who he could run into
at the grocery store or church whenever.

512
00:25:34,660 --> 00:25:35,827
He never knew.

513
00:25:35,911 --> 00:25:40,582
If he wanted to delete his cookies,
he had to kill his friend!

514
00:25:40,666 --> 00:25:42,834
[laughter and applause]

515
00:25:45,379 --> 00:25:47,422
This man is an American hero.

516
00:25:47,506 --> 00:25:49,007
That's what he is.

517
00:25:57,516 --> 00:26:00,894
I feel I might be a little desensitized
to all the privacy stuff.

518
00:26:00,978 --> 00:26:03,939
Maybe, I don't know,
I think that that ship sailed for me.

519
00:26:04,022 --> 00:26:06,733
Uh, if you didn't hear,
a couple of years ago,

520
00:26:06,817 --> 00:26:09,570
I had my nudes publicly leaked.

521
00:26:09,653 --> 00:26:13,448
Uh, and I'm gonna tell you something
right now, Newark, New Jersey.

522
00:26:14,449 --> 00:26:16,326
It wasn't that bad.

523
00:26:17,661 --> 00:26:19,037
-[applause]
-Wasn't that bad.

524
00:26:20,956 --> 00:26:22,249
Uh…

525
00:26:22,332 --> 00:26:25,878
They got my whole cloud,
and I was actually way more embarrassed

526
00:26:25,961 --> 00:26:29,381
about all my screen grabs
of inspirational quotes.

527
00:26:32,384 --> 00:26:35,179
That's the shit you want to get ahead of,
that will bite you in the ass.

528
00:26:35,262 --> 00:26:37,931
I was like, "You guys can have my titties,
but please don't tell anyone

529
00:26:38,015 --> 00:26:41,143
about all those Marilyn Monroe quotes

530
00:26:41,226 --> 00:26:43,979
in that folder titled,
'You got this, girl.'"

531
00:26:44,062 --> 00:26:46,690
"It was a bad… week."

532
00:26:48,317 --> 00:26:49,401
It was so stupid.

533
00:26:49,484 --> 00:26:52,321
It wasn't even a nude photo that
I got to take myself and make it cute.

534
00:26:52,404 --> 00:26:54,281
It was a screen grab of a video

535
00:26:54,364 --> 00:26:57,117
that I'd accidentally uploaded
on Instagram Stories

536
00:26:57,201 --> 00:26:59,995
when I was in the bathtub
and high on edibles.

537
00:27:00,078 --> 00:27:01,580
-[scattered laughter]
-So…

538
00:27:02,247 --> 00:27:05,083
I'm in the bathtub and I'm making
this Instagram Story, right?

539
00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:07,211
I'm so high.
I get out of the bathtub.

540
00:27:07,294 --> 00:27:10,172
And you know when you post something
on social media and you're like,

541
00:27:10,255 --> 00:27:11,882
"I feel like that was good."

542
00:27:12,799 --> 00:27:15,219
Like, "I feel like that's
gonna get in the algorithm."

543
00:27:15,302 --> 00:27:16,595
Like, "That's gonna get in there."

544
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,097
I open my phone
to see how many "likes" it got.

545
00:27:19,181 --> 00:27:21,767
"14 missed calls."

546
00:27:22,684 --> 00:27:25,062
My friends were like,
"Whitney, your tits are on the Internet!"

547
00:27:25,187 --> 00:27:27,356
I had videoed myself getting…

548
00:27:31,985 --> 00:27:33,946
out of the bathtub.

549
00:27:34,029 --> 00:27:37,324
And it was a very long video, because…

550
00:27:38,116 --> 00:27:40,702
You know when you're high or drunk
and you're alone in your house

551
00:27:40,786 --> 00:27:43,747
and you're convinced that
all your furniture's trying to kill you?

552
00:27:45,374 --> 00:27:49,044
I was like, "Not tonight, side table.
Not tonight."

553
00:27:50,295 --> 00:27:53,465
"Coffee table looking at me
like I'm a snack, no way."

554
00:27:53,549 --> 00:27:55,259
[laughs]

555
00:27:55,342 --> 00:27:57,052
So I was able to delete it.

556
00:27:57,135 --> 00:27:59,805
Everything was fine,
it came down in, like, five minutes.

557
00:27:59,888 --> 00:28:03,559
Three months later,
I get this very cryptic email

558
00:28:03,642 --> 00:28:05,727
from an AOL address.

559
00:28:07,604 --> 00:28:08,814
This can't be good.

560
00:28:09,314 --> 00:28:12,401
I open it, and it was a guy
who was trying to extort me.

561
00:28:12,484 --> 00:28:14,403
He goes, "If you don't give me $10,000,

562
00:28:14,486 --> 00:28:18,031
I'm gonna sell this photo
of your boobs to a tabloid."

563
00:28:18,115 --> 00:28:20,033
And I'm, like, opening the photo,
it's loading,

564
00:28:20,117 --> 00:28:24,329
and I'm like, "Wait a second, how did he
know my boobs cost exactly $10,000?"

565
00:28:24,413 --> 00:28:27,374
Like, this is a very fair hacker.

566
00:28:27,457 --> 00:28:28,959
Um…

567
00:28:29,042 --> 00:28:32,004
I open it and it's a screen grab
of the video

568
00:28:32,087 --> 00:28:34,089
where I'm hunched over at this angle,

569
00:28:34,173 --> 00:28:37,342
and it is not a flattering angle.

570
00:28:37,426 --> 00:28:40,262
And on a bit of a serious note,
if you guys saw my last special,

571
00:28:40,345 --> 00:28:43,599
you know that I talked about my history
of struggling with eating disorders

572
00:28:43,682 --> 00:28:45,100
and body image issues,

573
00:28:45,184 --> 00:28:48,520
and I hope every woman
accepts their body unconditionally

574
00:28:48,604 --> 00:28:49,897
wherever you are.

575
00:28:49,980 --> 00:28:51,690
[applause]

576
00:28:58,822 --> 00:29:00,991
Except from this angle.

577
00:29:01,074 --> 00:29:03,911
Um… because
it's actually not acceptable.

578
00:29:03,994 --> 00:29:07,206
I said all that
before I had seen titties from this angle.

579
00:29:07,289 --> 00:29:09,917
Uh, nobody told me,
no matter how perky your tits are,

580
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:13,295
the second you bend over,
they get long and pointy.

581
00:29:13,378 --> 00:29:14,880
Did you know about this?

582
00:29:14,963 --> 00:29:17,716
They're super perky,
then they just turn into traffic cones.

583
00:29:17,799 --> 00:29:19,301
Did you know that?

584
00:29:19,384 --> 00:29:20,886
With, like, a dent in the side.

585
00:29:20,969 --> 00:29:24,389
Like traffic cones where someone
kicked in the side of the…

586
00:29:25,224 --> 00:29:28,060
I did not know
about that elasticity situation.

587
00:29:28,143 --> 00:29:29,895
I mean, I had a little bit of a suspicion.

588
00:29:29,978 --> 00:29:33,106
I had seen a glimpse of myself having
doggie-style sex in a mirror before,

589
00:29:33,190 --> 00:29:35,275
and I remember thinking,
"Why do my titties look

590
00:29:35,359 --> 00:29:38,111
like those inflatable men
outside a car dealership?"

591
00:29:38,195 --> 00:29:39,279
They're just sort of…

592
00:29:45,661 --> 00:29:48,205
And I know on my last special
I talked about having fake boobs,

593
00:29:48,288 --> 00:29:50,082
but the fake boobs,
they do the same thing.

594
00:29:50,165 --> 00:29:53,293
You thought they'd stay cute, they don't.
They get long and pointy and weird.

595
00:29:53,377 --> 00:29:55,963
I think the fake boobs
unionized with the real boobs.

596
00:29:56,046 --> 00:29:57,548
They started working together.

597
00:29:57,631 --> 00:30:00,425
And the only real difference
between fake boobs and real boobs

598
00:30:00,509 --> 00:30:02,469
is that real boobs, you know,
when you lie down,

599
00:30:02,553 --> 00:30:04,346
they just completely disappear.

600
00:30:04,429 --> 00:30:07,266
They're gone, dude. They ghost you.

601
00:30:07,349 --> 00:30:10,185
They're like,
"Bitch, I did my job. Peace!"

602
00:30:12,104 --> 00:30:15,566
Whereas fake boobs, fake boobs,
they go no place.

603
00:30:15,649 --> 00:30:18,402
The guy that I'm with had never slept
with a girl with fake boobs before.

604
00:30:18,485 --> 00:30:21,071
The first time I lied down naked
in front of him, he literally--

605
00:30:21,154 --> 00:30:22,990
literally this was his reaction--
he'd be like…

606
00:30:23,073 --> 00:30:27,494
[gasps] Like it was a-- audible gasp.
It was like [gasps].

607
00:30:27,578 --> 00:30:28,620
I would say, "What?"

608
00:30:28,704 --> 00:30:30,956
It is jarring,
it's a little jarring, it is.

609
00:30:31,039 --> 00:30:33,250
It's like two crocodile eyes
coming out of a pond.

610
00:30:33,375 --> 00:30:34,793
It's very…

611
00:30:34,918 --> 00:30:37,796
[laughter and applause]

612
00:30:37,921 --> 00:30:39,256
It is relentless.

613
00:30:39,381 --> 00:30:40,465
And, uh…

614
00:30:40,549 --> 00:30:42,551
although I do sometimes miss
having real boobs

615
00:30:42,634 --> 00:30:44,136
because I miss them disappearing.

616
00:30:44,219 --> 00:30:47,264
My favorite prank used to be when I would
hook up with a guy for the first time,

617
00:30:47,347 --> 00:30:49,016
I would lay down
and my boobs would disappear,

618
00:30:49,099 --> 00:30:52,352
and he'd get on top of me,
and I'd go, "Ha ha! You're gay."

619
00:30:52,436 --> 00:30:55,189
[Whitney laughing]

620
00:30:57,608 --> 00:30:59,985
I know. Can you believe I'm not married?

621
00:31:00,068 --> 00:31:01,195
Um…

622
00:31:01,278 --> 00:31:02,279
[scattered applause]

623
00:31:02,362 --> 00:31:03,739
Wild!

624
00:31:03,822 --> 00:31:06,200
So I'm in this situation
where this guy's trying to extort me.

625
00:31:06,283 --> 00:31:09,161
I'm not gonna give him the $10,000.
He's just gonna do this to someone else.

626
00:31:09,244 --> 00:31:11,413
So I was like, "Oh, God,
this is such an ethical dilemma."

627
00:31:11,496 --> 00:31:14,499
So I was like, "Okay, I'm just gonna
post these photos on social media

628
00:31:14,583 --> 00:31:15,918
so he can't sell them."

629
00:31:16,001 --> 00:31:21,840
I queued them up to post to Instagram
and Twitter in, like, an hour.

630
00:31:21,965 --> 00:31:23,550
I scheduled the post, and then

631
00:31:23,634 --> 00:31:27,596
I did like seven shots of whiskey
and passed out.

632
00:31:27,679 --> 00:31:29,932
Woke up three hours later.

633
00:31:30,015 --> 00:31:33,769
Your Auntie Whitney trending on Porn Hub.

634
00:31:33,852 --> 00:31:35,562
[cheering and applause]

635
00:31:45,030 --> 00:31:46,615
I feel like…

636
00:31:46,698 --> 00:31:50,536
I feel like all the guys that were dragged
here by their wives and girlfriends

637
00:31:50,619 --> 00:31:53,330
right now are like,
"That is how I know her."

638
00:31:53,455 --> 00:31:54,790
"Okay, I know… "

639
00:31:54,873 --> 00:31:58,126
"I got it. I know her, I know her.
I know who that is, okay."

640
00:32:00,754 --> 00:32:02,673
I get shamed about this all the time.

641
00:32:02,756 --> 00:32:05,092
People blame me, like,
"Why were your photos in the cloud?"

642
00:32:05,175 --> 00:32:06,510
"Why did you have videos in the cloud?"

643
00:32:06,593 --> 00:32:08,554
"Why didn't you have privacy
for all your photos?"

644
00:32:08,637 --> 00:32:11,265
'Cause I'm not a fucking nerd?

645
00:32:12,474 --> 00:32:14,476
Like, when has that even been an option?

646
00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:17,521
That's not something I'm trained
to think is even possible, dude.

647
00:32:17,604 --> 00:32:20,649
We used to take a roll of film,

648
00:32:22,317 --> 00:32:24,987
and we would leave it

649
00:32:26,154 --> 00:32:29,157
with some guy at Kroger

650
00:32:29,241 --> 00:32:30,993
for like a week.

651
00:32:31,743 --> 00:32:35,289
And then we found out whatever the fuck
he was doing only took an hour.

652
00:32:35,372 --> 00:32:37,457
Like, none of it's good.

653
00:32:38,584 --> 00:32:42,045
Those prints came back sticky as hell.
You know I'm right.

654
00:32:43,881 --> 00:32:46,300
I never want to be negative
about technology.

655
00:32:46,383 --> 00:32:49,469
The only time I ever get
a little bit suspicious of technology

656
00:32:49,553 --> 00:32:52,472
is when I go to the doctor
and I see some new gadget

657
00:32:52,556 --> 00:32:53,849
that we didn't have before

658
00:32:53,932 --> 00:32:56,643
that makes you do math
on what we did before the gadget.

659
00:32:56,727 --> 00:32:59,521
Like I had to go in
for a COVID test last year.

660
00:32:59,605 --> 00:33:01,815
They were like, "Ma'am,
we need to take your temperature."

661
00:33:01,899 --> 00:33:03,525
I was like, "Cool."

662
00:33:10,282 --> 00:33:13,118
They were like,
"Ma'am, we haven't done that

663
00:33:13,202 --> 00:33:15,662
in a while now."

664
00:33:15,746 --> 00:33:19,416
I was like, "I haven't had my temperature
taken in a while now, so what?"

665
00:33:19,499 --> 00:33:22,586
This next generation,
you just had little laser beams?

666
00:33:22,669 --> 00:33:23,837
Aimed at your forehead?

667
00:33:23,921 --> 00:33:27,716
And we had anal sex with thermometers
our entire childhoods?

668
00:33:27,799 --> 00:33:30,761
You guys are just cool with this?
You're just gonna let this slide?

669
00:33:30,844 --> 00:33:33,972
'Cause I would like to discuss
reparations at some point.

670
00:33:35,849 --> 00:33:38,769
If you think about what it was like
for us to be at the doctor as kids,

671
00:33:38,852 --> 00:33:40,229
it'll ruin your day.

672
00:33:41,104 --> 00:33:44,525
When I was a kid,
you got buck naked at every doctor.

673
00:33:44,608 --> 00:33:46,527
No questions asked.

674
00:33:47,402 --> 00:33:49,196
I still do it.

675
00:33:49,947 --> 00:33:52,574
Old habits, dude.
I just want to get out of there quickly,

676
00:33:52,658 --> 00:33:54,701
and there's rules about it,
there's laws now.

677
00:33:54,785 --> 00:33:57,996
If a doctor walks in, they'll be like,
"No, ma'am, you've got to put on a robe."

678
00:33:58,121 --> 00:33:59,164
"This is illegal now."

679
00:33:59,248 --> 00:34:00,958
"What do you mean?
You're my ophthalmologist."

680
00:34:01,083 --> 00:34:02,709
"Don't you need to see if…?"

681
00:34:03,544 --> 00:34:06,839
"Don't you need to see if my nipples work?
Like, since when?"

682
00:34:08,715 --> 00:34:12,761
I feel like what happened
is that women started becoming doctors

683
00:34:12,845 --> 00:34:16,932
and they looked at the protocols that
the male doctors had made before them,

684
00:34:17,015 --> 00:34:19,351
and they were like,
"Okay, let's see what…"

685
00:34:21,478 --> 00:34:24,439
"Wait a second,
they didn't need to be naked

686
00:34:24,523 --> 00:34:28,819
at the ear, nose and throat doctor,
you perverts."

687
00:34:28,902 --> 00:34:31,822
They were like…
[deep voice] "Eh, we had a good run."

688
00:34:31,905 --> 00:34:33,240
[laughter]

689
00:34:33,323 --> 00:34:35,576
"Don't worry, we got Polaroids."

690
00:34:37,619 --> 00:34:39,913
I went to my annual gynecological exam.

691
00:34:39,997 --> 00:34:42,165
For the first time ever,
there was, all of the sudden,

692
00:34:42,249 --> 00:34:43,959
a chaperone in the room.

693
00:34:44,042 --> 00:34:45,586
Is that a law here?

694
00:34:45,669 --> 00:34:47,796
There's a chaperone
during the gynecological--

695
00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:50,674
this never happened before.
I've been going to this guy for 25 years.

696
00:34:50,757 --> 00:34:53,135
He's 70 years old, all of the sudden
there's this nurse there.

697
00:34:53,218 --> 00:34:55,679
I was like, "My only opportunity
to get fingered by an older man,

698
00:34:55,762 --> 00:34:56,930
and you are fucking it up!"

699
00:34:57,014 --> 00:34:59,016
"You are fucking this up for me."

700
00:34:59,141 --> 00:35:01,643
[applause]

701
00:35:01,727 --> 00:35:05,272
"What? What? Oh, he's got
to wear gloves during the exam?"

702
00:35:05,355 --> 00:35:07,691
"Cool! You fucking nerd."

703
00:35:09,067 --> 00:35:11,069
"We have a thing going on."

704
00:35:11,737 --> 00:35:13,739
I was fine, I was like,
"Dude, I'm used to this."

705
00:35:13,822 --> 00:35:16,200
She was the one stressed out.
I was like, "Are you okay?"

706
00:35:16,283 --> 00:35:18,535
"Do you need a chaperone?"

707
00:35:18,660 --> 00:35:20,579
"You're watching me
get fingered by Santa Claus."

708
00:35:20,662 --> 00:35:22,497
"How are you doing?"

709
00:35:22,581 --> 00:35:24,499
[laughter]

710
00:35:26,501 --> 00:35:27,628
[applause]

711
00:35:27,711 --> 00:35:28,712
I'm sorry.

712
00:35:28,795 --> 00:35:30,506
I'm sorry.

713
00:35:30,589 --> 00:35:33,342
I didn't mean to ruin Santa Claus for you.

714
00:35:34,259 --> 00:35:37,596
No, I feel like I'm the most
pro-technology of all my friends.

715
00:35:37,679 --> 00:35:40,182
A lot of my friends
are very against technology.

716
00:35:40,265 --> 00:35:41,350
They're worried about it.

717
00:35:41,433 --> 00:35:43,393
It's mostly my friends that are parents.

718
00:35:43,477 --> 00:35:47,064
As soon as my friends become parents,
they get freaked out about technology.

719
00:35:47,189 --> 00:35:50,108
Mostly the phones, that's every
conversation I have with parents now.

720
00:35:50,234 --> 00:35:53,111
They're like, "These kids, now they're
on their phones eight hours a day."

721
00:35:53,237 --> 00:35:55,447
"Kids are on their phones
all day long now."

722
00:35:55,531 --> 00:35:56,865
I'm like, "Good."

723
00:35:58,575 --> 00:36:01,370
"We've finally figured out a way
to shut them the fuck up."

724
00:36:01,453 --> 00:36:02,788
"Why…"

725
00:36:02,871 --> 00:36:04,957
[applause]

726
00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:08,418
"Why are you complaining
about this miracle in your living room?"

727
00:36:08,502 --> 00:36:12,089
They're like, "Whitney, because the phones
are dangerous for the kids."

728
00:36:12,214 --> 00:36:13,340
Eh…

729
00:36:13,423 --> 00:36:14,550
Are they?

730
00:36:15,133 --> 00:36:18,053
Is anything more dangerous for the kids
than what we played on?

731
00:36:18,846 --> 00:36:22,140
You want to put your kids on the shit
we played on when we were children?

732
00:36:22,266 --> 00:36:24,643
Okay, great, why don't you put your kid
on a merry-go-round?

733
00:36:24,726 --> 00:36:26,478
Remember that quality item?

734
00:36:27,312 --> 00:36:30,399
It's like a lazy Susan for pedophiles.

735
00:36:36,697 --> 00:36:39,324
Make sure they saw
every angle of the kid.

736
00:36:39,825 --> 00:36:41,702
They wait for the first kid
to fall off who didn't cry.

737
00:36:41,785 --> 00:36:43,704
They'd be like, "That's the one."

738
00:36:44,538 --> 00:36:47,708
We used to play
on something called a seesaw.

739
00:36:48,917 --> 00:36:51,670
It's a piece of wood on a hinge.

740
00:36:52,504 --> 00:36:58,802
The main objective was just to catapult
the other child… into the air.

741
00:36:58,886 --> 00:37:00,429
And we were such homicidal psychopaths.

742
00:37:00,512 --> 00:37:02,681
If you were the kid
that was on the bottom, you'd be like,

743
00:37:04,391 --> 00:37:06,476
"I wonder what would happen

744
00:37:06,977 --> 00:37:09,188
if I just jumped off this?"

745
00:37:10,564 --> 00:37:11,815
[laughter and applause]

746
00:37:11,899 --> 00:37:12,983
We'd…

747
00:37:13,066 --> 00:37:17,279
We'd watch the other kid
careen to the ground,

748
00:37:18,030 --> 00:37:19,698
shattered nine vertebrae.

749
00:37:19,781 --> 00:37:21,992
Attempted murder, every day.

750
00:37:22,492 --> 00:37:24,286
At recess.

751
00:37:26,997 --> 00:37:28,457
"But the phones!"

752
00:37:28,540 --> 00:37:29,750
Fuck outta here.

753
00:37:30,584 --> 00:37:33,629
I have a goddaughter, she's five.
I went to her playground.

754
00:37:33,712 --> 00:37:36,507
If you've been to a playground recently,
you know playgrounds are totally--

755
00:37:36,590 --> 00:37:39,218
You know, playgrounds now,
they're, like, mushy?

756
00:37:43,430 --> 00:37:46,808
Did you know that playgrounds have shade?

757
00:37:50,103 --> 00:37:55,067
Dude, we had a slide
made out of sheet metal.

758
00:37:55,150 --> 00:37:57,986
[cheering and applause]

759
00:38:01,615 --> 00:38:04,660
It would bake in the hot sun.

760
00:38:05,536 --> 00:38:09,248
Dude, you'd get down on it.
It was like a hot skillet.

761
00:38:09,373 --> 00:38:12,042
You'd go down that slide, like…
[shrieking]

762
00:38:12,125 --> 00:38:15,045
We'd be squealing like pigs.

763
00:38:15,128 --> 00:38:18,340
Frying our assholes!

764
00:38:19,508 --> 00:38:24,346
Which had just had a thermometer in it
20 minutes earlier

765
00:38:24,429 --> 00:38:25,889
at the school nurse.

766
00:38:25,973 --> 00:38:28,016
[cheering and applause]

767
00:38:29,476 --> 00:38:32,354
It kind of ruined our plans
to put sparklers in our butts

768
00:38:32,437 --> 00:38:33,856
later that night.

769
00:38:33,939 --> 00:38:35,858
[giggles]

770
00:38:35,941 --> 00:38:38,819
This is a very incendiary thing
to talk about, people will argue with me.

771
00:38:38,902 --> 00:38:41,488
They're like, "Whitney,
it's also about, like, the phones."

772
00:38:41,572 --> 00:38:44,700
"They can be tracked.
What if predators find the kids?"

773
00:38:44,783 --> 00:38:46,493
I'm like, "Yeah, that's bad,
that's not good."

774
00:38:47,077 --> 00:38:49,913
Then again,
when I was a kid on the schoolyard,

775
00:38:49,997 --> 00:38:52,207
we would play a game on the swings

776
00:38:52,291 --> 00:38:54,251
called "Spider"

777
00:38:54,334 --> 00:38:57,963
where you would straddle
the other child and just…

778
00:39:12,394 --> 00:39:13,937
fuck each other.

779
00:39:14,980 --> 00:39:17,065
We'd just fuck each other
in broad daylight.

780
00:39:17,149 --> 00:39:19,401
All the teachers saw what we were doing.

781
00:39:19,484 --> 00:39:21,236
The teachers were
in the corner like, "Aaah!"

782
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:23,280
Like, they knew. They didn't care.

783
00:39:24,364 --> 00:39:26,950
Any predator that found the kid
on their phone,

784
00:39:27,034 --> 00:39:29,369
they'd walk up and they'd be like,
"Eww, never mind, dude."

785
00:39:29,453 --> 00:39:31,747
"Those kids are nasty."

786
00:39:32,831 --> 00:39:36,793
You cannot argue that kids are not
physically safer than they've ever been.

787
00:39:36,877 --> 00:39:39,129
Like, kids don't get injured
the way we got injured.

788
00:39:39,213 --> 00:39:42,299
When's the last time
you saw a kid in a cast?

789
00:39:43,717 --> 00:39:45,636
It doesn't fuckin' happen, dude.

790
00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:50,224
We used to spend the first 45 minutes
of school signing casts.

791
00:39:50,307 --> 00:39:54,603
That's how we learned to read and write.

792
00:40:00,067 --> 00:40:03,237
Half the kids in my grade,
they had a cast with a metal bar.

793
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:05,531
It was a metal rod, it was a metal--

794
00:40:05,614 --> 00:40:09,034
kids were doing the Hitler salute
just the entire school year.

795
00:40:10,369 --> 00:40:13,747
I do feel like the casts
were like the first "comments section."

796
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:20,212
We'd all write on them, we'd be like,
"Hey, love you. Get well soon."

797
00:40:20,754 --> 00:40:23,715
And then some punk would draw
like a dick on the back, with balls.

798
00:40:23,799 --> 00:40:25,467
No one would tell the kid.

799
00:40:26,260 --> 00:40:29,096
Just add emotional injury
to physical injury.

800
00:40:29,179 --> 00:40:30,722
[giggles]

801
00:40:30,806 --> 00:40:32,474
People will even argue with me about that.

802
00:40:32,558 --> 00:40:34,935
People will be like,
"No, Whitney, the kids do get injured

803
00:40:35,018 --> 00:40:37,312
'cause they type all day
and it hurts their fingers

804
00:40:37,396 --> 00:40:40,065
and their fingers have pre-arthritis."

805
00:40:40,148 --> 00:40:42,025
I'm like, "Got it."

806
00:40:43,151 --> 00:40:46,238
We used to play a game
called "Bloody Knuckles."

807
00:40:46,572 --> 00:40:47,948
[laughter]

808
00:40:48,031 --> 00:40:50,617
[scattered applause]

809
00:40:50,701 --> 00:40:53,036
We would just punch each other
in the knuckles

810
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:54,872
until our eyes started twitching.

811
00:40:55,622 --> 00:40:58,292
They're like, "But sometimes
the kids have to wear wrist braces

812
00:40:58,375 --> 00:41:00,961
because they get tendonitis
in their wrists from typing."

813
00:41:01,044 --> 00:41:02,129
I'm like,

814
00:41:03,088 --> 00:41:06,508
"We used to play a game
called 'Red Rover, Red Rover,'

815
00:41:07,301 --> 00:41:09,052
where you would hold hands
with another kid

816
00:41:09,136 --> 00:41:14,308
and just pray that your wrist
didn't snap off your fucking body."

817
00:41:14,391 --> 00:41:18,187
That is a move
that's illegal in the NFL, it's illegal.

818
00:41:18,896 --> 00:41:22,733
It's called the flying wedge.
We played it every day at recess, dude.

819
00:41:22,816 --> 00:41:23,901
Red Rover, dude.

820
00:41:23,984 --> 00:41:28,030
And then the kid with the metal-bar cast,
they let him play!

821
00:41:28,113 --> 00:41:30,407
[laughter and applause]

822
00:41:32,659 --> 00:41:35,871
The kids are fine.
I've heard every argument.

823
00:41:35,954 --> 00:41:37,998
I've yet to hear an argument
that really convinces me

824
00:41:38,081 --> 00:41:41,084
that the kids are in any real trouble,
but people will still fight with me.

825
00:41:41,168 --> 00:41:43,128
They'll be like, "Whitney,
it's the social media,

826
00:41:43,212 --> 00:41:46,632
it traumatizes the children,
it's psychologically traumatizing."

827
00:41:46,715 --> 00:41:48,175
I'm like, "Hmm, when I was five,

828
00:41:48,258 --> 00:41:51,595
my parents showed me a movie
called Old Yeller."

829
00:41:51,678 --> 00:41:52,679
[laughter]

830
00:41:52,763 --> 00:41:56,141
"And then I had to read a book
called Where the Red Fern Grows."

831
00:41:56,225 --> 00:42:00,562
"Feel like all those alive puppies
on TikTok are probably fine."

832
00:42:00,646 --> 00:42:04,358
This is a big one, "Wendy, they could go
on the Internet and get misinformation."

833
00:42:05,817 --> 00:42:07,319
That's all we got.

834
00:42:08,028 --> 00:42:11,823
My mom used to tell me that
when the ice-cream truck played music,

835
00:42:11,907 --> 00:42:15,035
that meant it was out of ice cream.

836
00:42:15,118 --> 00:42:18,121
[laughter and applause]

837
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:24,503
Do you know how fucked up that is?

838
00:42:24,586 --> 00:42:27,673
We got misinformation in the form of lies.

839
00:42:27,756 --> 00:42:30,133
From people
that were supposed to love us.

840
00:42:30,217 --> 00:42:32,386
I remember on the way home
from school, I'd be like,

841
00:42:32,469 --> 00:42:33,971
"Mom, can we stop at McDonald's?"

842
00:42:34,096 --> 00:42:37,224
She'd be like,
"Sorry, baby, it's closed."

843
00:42:38,183 --> 00:42:39,893
Like, "Aw, man!"

844
00:42:40,435 --> 00:42:43,272
Try pulling that shit with a kid today.
Good luck.

845
00:42:43,355 --> 00:42:44,940
Be like, "Mom, I wanna go to McDonald's."

846
00:42:45,023 --> 00:42:47,234
She'll be like,
"Sorry, baby, it's closed."

847
00:42:50,195 --> 00:42:53,448
"Bitch, that's a 24-hour McDonald's."

848
00:42:54,199 --> 00:42:58,370
"And if you don't take me right now,
I will tweet that you molest me."

849
00:42:58,453 --> 00:43:02,541
"So… your move, baby girl."

850
00:43:03,333 --> 00:43:05,836
"Your move." [giggles]

851
00:43:10,132 --> 00:43:13,886
I've just heard every argument,
and I feel like it's a little overblown.

852
00:43:13,969 --> 00:43:17,181
What I hear is about how kids, all they do
is take pictures of themselves.

853
00:43:17,264 --> 00:43:20,309
"They just take pictures of themselves,
they take selfies all day long."

854
00:43:20,392 --> 00:43:21,351
Who gives a shit?

855
00:43:21,435 --> 00:43:23,395
We're just jealous, I think we're jealous

856
00:43:23,478 --> 00:43:27,858
because we got one photo a year.

857
00:43:29,401 --> 00:43:30,652
We had a day.

858
00:43:30,736 --> 00:43:33,488
It was called "Photo Day."

859
00:43:35,949 --> 00:43:39,703
It was our only opportunity in a year
to get proof of our existence,

860
00:43:39,786 --> 00:43:44,875
and we had to wait in line for five hours,

861
00:43:44,958 --> 00:43:49,129
holding an envelope full of change?

862
00:43:54,092 --> 00:43:57,054
You would get to the front of the line,
you had one shot, dude.

863
00:43:57,137 --> 00:43:58,847
They'd be like, "All right, say cheese!"

864
00:43:58,931 --> 00:44:00,724
[imitates shutter] "I think I blinked!"

865
00:44:00,807 --> 00:44:04,061
He'd be like, "Sorry, brace face,
see you next October."

866
00:44:04,186 --> 00:44:07,314
Kids now, they can get eight tries
till they get a good one.

867
00:44:07,397 --> 00:44:13,987
We got eight sizes
of the same shitty photo.

868
00:44:15,781 --> 00:44:18,617
What were those sizes?

869
00:44:19,743 --> 00:44:22,913
I remember being with my mom
in the Walmart frame section,

870
00:44:22,996 --> 00:44:23,914
she's in tears.

871
00:44:23,997 --> 00:44:26,583
She's like, "What's this one?
What is this, a 9x1?"

872
00:44:26,708 --> 00:44:30,462
"I don't even-- is this a bookmark?
I don't know what that was."

873
00:44:30,546 --> 00:44:33,423
"What's this tiny little one?
Is this for a locket?"

874
00:44:33,507 --> 00:44:37,427
"I paid 74 nickels for this bullshit!"

875
00:44:41,223 --> 00:44:44,726
I think we have to use
critical thinking on this stuff, you know?

876
00:44:44,810 --> 00:44:47,354
I know it's insensitive sometimes to say,
but people will be like,

877
00:44:47,437 --> 00:44:49,857
"Whitney, the phones,
they are really toxic for the kids."

878
00:44:49,940 --> 00:44:54,319
"The filters on Instagram,
they give the kids body dysmorphia."

879
00:44:54,403 --> 00:44:56,864
Okay, I have body dysmorphia

880
00:44:56,947 --> 00:44:59,575
'cause we used to xerox our faces.

881
00:44:59,658 --> 00:45:02,578
I've never seen myself before
because I fried my retina

882
00:45:02,661 --> 00:45:04,538
on the surface of the fuckin' sun,

883
00:45:04,621 --> 00:45:07,875
'cause that was the only way
to get a selfie back in my day.

884
00:45:07,958 --> 00:45:10,836
And then we would play with something
called "pin art," you remember that?

885
00:45:10,919 --> 00:45:12,880
It was the red frame
with all the little needles in it,

886
00:45:12,963 --> 00:45:16,049
and you put your-- put your hand,
the outline, and your hand would go--

887
00:45:16,133 --> 00:45:19,553
We'd put it on our face!

888
00:45:19,636 --> 00:45:21,638
[laughter and applause]

889
00:45:21,722 --> 00:45:25,976
My generation needs filters
to cover up the tetanus scars

890
00:45:26,059 --> 00:45:30,147
from jamming our head into a box of nails.

891
00:45:33,775 --> 00:45:34,610
[sighs]

892
00:45:34,693 --> 00:45:36,278
[applause]

893
00:45:44,077 --> 00:45:46,163
I just think it might be
the best-case scenario.

894
00:45:46,288 --> 00:45:48,290
You can't let kids get bored,
and when kids get bored,

895
00:45:48,373 --> 00:45:49,958
they do dumb shit, that's it.

896
00:45:50,042 --> 00:45:53,629
Like before phones,
for our main form of amusement,

897
00:45:53,712 --> 00:45:56,173
we used to walk around the mall.

898
00:45:57,925 --> 00:46:00,219
For five hours.

899
00:46:01,053 --> 00:46:03,096
With no money.

900
00:46:04,223 --> 00:46:08,018
You know some bad ideas
are gonna bubble up at some point.

901
00:46:08,101 --> 00:46:10,646
Twenty minutes in,
we'd be like, "Oh, my God!"

902
00:46:10,729 --> 00:46:12,147
[groans]

903
00:46:12,231 --> 00:46:14,233
"Should we just get in the van
with that guy?"

904
00:46:16,068 --> 00:46:17,694
"Like, what's the worst
that's gonna happen?"

905
00:46:17,819 --> 00:46:19,279
"He's got candy."

906
00:46:19,363 --> 00:46:22,741
Like, that was our Candy Crush,
just a guy

907
00:46:22,866 --> 00:46:26,328
in the Penney's parking lot
with Werther's Originals.

908
00:46:33,835 --> 00:46:35,712
Wearing that exact shirt.

909
00:46:35,837 --> 00:46:37,214
Um…

910
00:46:37,965 --> 00:46:40,551
No, I just feel like
it's just so odd to me,

911
00:46:40,634 --> 00:46:43,136
like when people come up to me
after I talk about this stuff.

912
00:46:43,220 --> 00:46:46,682
They'll come up to me, like,
"What did your parents think of all that?"

913
00:46:47,474 --> 00:46:48,934
They didn't.

914
00:46:49,017 --> 00:46:51,228
Our parents had no idea
what we were doing.

915
00:46:51,353 --> 00:46:53,021
My mom used to say to my face,

916
00:46:53,105 --> 00:46:56,483
"Go out and play.
Come back before dark."

917
00:46:57,484 --> 00:47:00,195
Kids don't know when it's gonna get dark.

918
00:47:01,321 --> 00:47:05,409
Gets dark, and they're like,
"Fuck, it's dark!"

919
00:47:05,492 --> 00:47:07,119
"Noooo!"

920
00:47:10,539 --> 00:47:14,668
"This happens every night!
It's always a surprise!"

921
00:47:18,797 --> 00:47:22,301
And then we would just have to
Blair Witch Project our way home.

922
00:47:22,384 --> 00:47:24,344
Eventually we'd find a pay phone,

923
00:47:24,428 --> 00:47:28,223
and you'd have to pray that your mom
would take a collect call.

924
00:47:28,932 --> 00:47:32,561
You call your mom and you'd be like,
"You have a collect call from--"

925
00:47:32,644 --> 00:47:35,898
"Mom, it's dark! Come find us!"

926
00:47:37,482 --> 00:47:40,360
And then you would just hitchhike and…

927
00:47:40,903 --> 00:47:42,112
that was kind of the deal.

928
00:47:42,196 --> 00:47:44,823
It's wild to think about because
even when our parents were with us,

929
00:47:44,948 --> 00:47:46,450
they had no idea what we were doing.

930
00:47:46,533 --> 00:47:48,911
My mom used to take me
to birthday parties every Sunday,

931
00:47:48,994 --> 00:47:51,330
and we would play in something
called a "bounce house."

932
00:47:51,413 --> 00:47:53,624
Is that what you guys call it
in New Jersey?

933
00:47:53,707 --> 00:47:55,292
Are you sure? You guys seem rich.

934
00:47:55,375 --> 00:47:57,878
Do you call it a "bouncy castle"?
Don't lie to me.

935
00:47:57,961 --> 00:47:59,004
[laughter]

936
00:47:59,087 --> 00:48:01,298
She's like, "Okay, you're right,
I'm a princess."

937
00:48:01,423 --> 00:48:02,925
Um…

938
00:48:03,926 --> 00:48:06,470
So you'd roll up
to the bouncy castle, right?

939
00:48:06,553 --> 00:48:09,806
And I remember, even as a kid,
I always thought that shit was sketchy.

940
00:48:09,932 --> 00:48:12,726
I was like, "I'm just a kid
and I don't know anything about math,

941
00:48:12,809 --> 00:48:14,645
but, like…

942
00:48:14,728 --> 00:48:18,148
there's, like, 70 pairs
of kids' shoes outside,

943
00:48:18,941 --> 00:48:21,568
but only, like, three kids inside."

944
00:48:22,945 --> 00:48:25,405
No maternal alarm bells are going off.

945
00:48:25,489 --> 00:48:27,032
She would just fuckin' leave.

946
00:48:27,115 --> 00:48:29,826
She would leave, and you remember
the screen outside the bounce house?

947
00:48:29,952 --> 00:48:32,204
That was painted over,
she didn't know what was going on.

948
00:48:32,287 --> 00:48:34,122
You guys remember what was going on.

949
00:48:34,206 --> 00:48:37,459
There was always that bully kid
who was, like, hiding in the corner

950
00:48:38,544 --> 00:48:41,797
who had been practicing all day
how to bounce.

951
00:48:41,880 --> 00:48:44,299
He knew every sort of part.

952
00:48:45,008 --> 00:48:47,427
He knew all the soft spots,
he knew how to bounce,

953
00:48:47,511 --> 00:48:50,097
and he would just wait in the corner
for new blood to come in.

954
00:48:51,807 --> 00:48:54,810
You would come in there,
you'd be like, "I'm on the moon!"

955
00:48:54,893 --> 00:48:56,395
Come outta nowhere.

956
00:48:56,478 --> 00:48:59,022
Boom! Bounce you into the air,

957
00:48:59,106 --> 00:49:01,775
down into the crevice
between the floor and the wall

958
00:49:01,859 --> 00:49:06,446
where you would join nine other kids
who had been there for five days,

959
00:49:06,530 --> 00:49:10,325
covered in their own blood and piss.

960
00:49:16,248 --> 00:49:18,083
I don't know.
I'm trying to figure out what to do.

961
00:49:18,166 --> 00:49:20,752
I'm trying to figure out
how to be a good mother.

962
00:49:20,836 --> 00:49:24,756
I'm not a mother, but I am a godmother.
Is anyone a godparent?

963
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:27,676
-[scattered applause]
-Yeah? It's a fuckin' scam.

964
00:49:28,218 --> 00:49:29,219
It's a racket.

965
00:49:29,303 --> 00:49:32,306
You fall in love with this child and
you have no authority over them at all.

966
00:49:32,389 --> 00:49:34,808
Then you just get yelled at
by the parent, you know?

967
00:49:34,892 --> 00:49:36,185
I get yelled at constantly.

968
00:49:36,268 --> 00:49:38,437
All I do is try to do good things
for this child.

969
00:49:38,520 --> 00:49:39,521
I love her so much.

970
00:49:39,605 --> 00:49:41,398
Every time she comes over,
I get in trouble.

971
00:49:41,523 --> 00:49:43,817
Like recently she came over,
I had gone to a store.

972
00:49:43,901 --> 00:49:45,736
I got all this organic, like, food,

973
00:49:45,819 --> 00:49:48,113
and, like, I made her
a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,

974
00:49:48,197 --> 00:49:50,324
gluten-free bread, right,
I think I'm in the clear.

975
00:49:50,407 --> 00:49:52,534
And, uh, she comes over,

976
00:49:52,618 --> 00:49:55,579
and there was peanut butter
on the sandwich and…

977
00:49:55,662 --> 00:49:59,291
if you live in California and
you put peanut butter on a sandwich

978
00:49:59,374 --> 00:50:00,751
and it's near a child,

979
00:50:00,834 --> 00:50:04,338
uh, Will Smith just comes out
and punches you in the face.

980
00:50:04,421 --> 00:50:05,714
Um…

981
00:50:05,797 --> 00:50:08,050
-[applause]
-It's like a new law.

982
00:50:10,594 --> 00:50:11,887
So I got in trouble for that.

983
00:50:11,970 --> 00:50:14,264
But then I got some other
fuckin' almond butter thing

984
00:50:14,348 --> 00:50:16,266
and all this organic stuff,
and she's like,

985
00:50:16,350 --> 00:50:18,435
"I need to see the bottle,"
and I was like, "It's organic."

986
00:50:18,519 --> 00:50:21,438
She's like, "Hmm, even a lot
of the organic brands have chemicals."

987
00:50:21,522 --> 00:50:23,065
I was like,

988
00:50:24,483 --> 00:50:27,611
am I the only kid
that drank out of a hose

989
00:50:27,694 --> 00:50:30,197
till I was, like, 14?

990
00:50:30,822 --> 00:50:32,950
Dude, I remember the first time
I went to a restaurant.

991
00:50:33,075 --> 00:50:36,495
They brought me water, I was like,
"Eww, what's this clear shit?"

992
00:50:37,371 --> 00:50:40,958
"I ordered water, the murky stuff
that makes you go night-night?"

993
00:50:41,083 --> 00:50:42,251
"Try again."

994
00:50:43,335 --> 00:50:46,588
"Ecch! I already had to bring
my own paint chips to this shit hole."

995
00:50:48,549 --> 00:50:49,883
I'm always getting in trouble.

996
00:50:49,967 --> 00:50:52,010
I guess I just don't know
how to be a good parent.

997
00:50:52,094 --> 00:50:54,680
There's all this new stuff
you have to, like, know about,

998
00:50:54,763 --> 00:50:57,140
and I just feel like
it's a little bit overkill,

999
00:50:57,224 --> 00:50:59,351
'cause I really try
and I always end up in trouble

1000
00:50:59,434 --> 00:51:01,103
every time I try to be in her life.

1001
00:51:01,186 --> 00:51:04,106
She recently got into ballet, all right?
She's five years old, she's in ballet.

1002
00:51:04,189 --> 00:51:07,192
I'm like, I have to go to the recital
for that 'cause there's nothing cuter

1003
00:51:07,276 --> 00:51:11,488
than toddlers in ballet
because they all have, like, beer bellies.

1004
00:51:11,572 --> 00:51:12,573
For no reason.

1005
00:51:12,656 --> 00:51:15,492
They probably have tapeworms
'cause they only eat fuckin' organic shit.

1006
00:51:15,576 --> 00:51:16,994
Just saying. And then…

1007
00:51:17,119 --> 00:51:18,453
[laughs]

1008
00:51:18,537 --> 00:51:20,163
…their pantyhose never fit, right?

1009
00:51:20,247 --> 00:51:23,000
'Cause no one wants to touch their legs
'cause it's too awkward,

1010
00:51:23,125 --> 00:51:24,960
so they all have like ball sacks
on their knees

1011
00:51:25,043 --> 00:51:27,546
and they're just like
these stupid little sumo wrestlers

1012
00:51:27,629 --> 00:51:30,757
knocking into each other, so I was like,
"I have to go to that, that's hilarious."

1013
00:51:30,841 --> 00:51:35,137
And I did not get in trouble until
the freakin' end after it's over, right?

1014
00:51:35,220 --> 00:51:37,723
I didn't say anything,
I didn't talk about the ball sacks.

1015
00:51:37,806 --> 00:51:40,517
I totally behaved myself.

1016
00:51:40,601 --> 00:51:42,811
And then after the show,
I went up to my goddaughter,

1017
00:51:42,895 --> 00:51:45,397
and I was like,
"Olivia, you did such a good job

1018
00:51:45,480 --> 00:51:48,317
and you looked so pretty in your outfit."

1019
00:51:48,400 --> 00:51:50,861
My friend pulls me aside,
she goes, "Whitney, get over here!"

1020
00:51:51,695 --> 00:51:53,780
"We don't say she's pretty."

1021
00:51:55,032 --> 00:51:57,659
"We say she's smart."

1022
00:51:59,328 --> 00:52:00,829
I was like, "Okay."

1023
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:06,376
"But she's not."

1024
00:52:06,460 --> 00:52:09,963
[laughter and applause]

1025
00:52:10,047 --> 00:52:11,381
"I am happy to lie."

1026
00:52:11,465 --> 00:52:15,052
"I'm trying to understand what we're doing
'cause the spelling bee's down the hall."

1027
00:52:15,177 --> 00:52:17,679
"Maybe we can plié down
to the spelling bee

1028
00:52:18,430 --> 00:52:20,516
'cause your kid can't fuckin' read yet

1029
00:52:20,599 --> 00:52:22,601
'cause you let her choose
her own classes."

1030
00:52:22,684 --> 00:52:23,810
"How am I the asshole?"

1031
00:52:23,894 --> 00:52:26,271
"You're the one that bought lingerie
for your baby."

1032
00:52:26,355 --> 00:52:27,773
"How am I…?"

1033
00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:30,943
"I just watched you put mascara
on your toddler in the parking lot."

1034
00:52:31,026 --> 00:52:32,402
"I feel like we're even."

1035
00:52:35,072 --> 00:52:36,740
She goes, "Whitney,
you don't understand."

1036
00:52:36,823 --> 00:52:39,409
"There is an epidemic in this country

1037
00:52:39,493 --> 00:52:41,286
of girls that define themselves

1038
00:52:41,370 --> 00:52:45,582
through their appearance
over their intelligence."

1039
00:52:45,707 --> 00:52:48,460
I was like… "That sounds true."

1040
00:52:56,802 --> 00:53:00,472
"But there's also an epidemic

1041
00:53:00,556 --> 00:53:03,517
of hot girls who think they're smart."

1042
00:53:03,600 --> 00:53:05,853
[laughter and applause]

1043
00:53:07,145 --> 00:53:09,606
"What are we gonna do about that?"

1044
00:53:10,107 --> 00:53:12,985
"You can make a difference today."

1045
00:53:14,778 --> 00:53:16,697
No, I'm always
getting in trouble with her.

1046
00:53:16,780 --> 00:53:19,825
I have very strong feelings
about stuff 'cause I love her.

1047
00:53:19,908 --> 00:53:23,996
She's in ballet, and I feel like a toddler
in ballet, totally fine, it's cute,

1048
00:53:24,079 --> 00:53:27,165
but I feel like, as a girl,
you cut ballet off at, what, like ten?

1049
00:53:27,249 --> 00:53:28,667
Eight, ten.

1050
00:53:28,750 --> 00:53:31,169
I basically said to her,
"I don't think that toddlers

1051
00:53:31,295 --> 00:53:32,921
need to keep doing ballet later."

1052
00:53:33,005 --> 00:53:35,632
Like, I don't think
anything should exist today

1053
00:53:35,757 --> 00:53:38,343
if you can't sell it right now
as a brand-new idea.

1054
00:53:38,427 --> 00:53:41,138
I get why ballet was entertaining
like 400 years ago,

1055
00:53:41,221 --> 00:53:43,682
but I don't think
it needs to still be a business

1056
00:53:43,765 --> 00:53:45,058
based on what we now know.

1057
00:53:45,142 --> 00:53:48,353
Imagine trying to sell ballet
as a brand-new concept

1058
00:53:48,437 --> 00:53:50,355
to a Broadway producer right now.

1059
00:53:50,439 --> 00:53:53,066
You'd be like,
"Hey, I have this idea for a show."

1060
00:53:53,150 --> 00:53:54,443
"It's a dance show."

1061
00:53:54,526 --> 00:53:57,362
"It's about 20 18-year-old girls."

1062
00:53:57,446 --> 00:54:01,992
"They dance for about two hours
in underwear."

1063
00:54:03,535 --> 00:54:07,664
They'll be like, "Brrr, I'm sorry,
is that like a burlesque-type show?"

1064
00:54:07,789 --> 00:54:09,208
"Not at all."

1065
00:54:09,333 --> 00:54:12,461
"They don't have tits or asses

1066
00:54:13,212 --> 00:54:16,507
because we starve them."

1067
00:54:18,175 --> 00:54:23,514
"And their toes look like curly fries
for the rest of their life."

1068
00:54:29,394 --> 00:54:32,898
They'd be like, "Uhh… I'm sorry,
I'm just trying to understand this show."

1069
00:54:32,981 --> 00:54:35,442
"So it's just women,
there's no men in the show?"

1070
00:54:35,526 --> 00:54:37,611
"Oh, my God, totally forgot to tell you."

1071
00:54:37,694 --> 00:54:39,988
"Yes, there is one man in the show."

1072
00:54:40,072 --> 00:54:43,909
"He is like 30 and he's the one
that holds them up

1073
00:54:43,992 --> 00:54:45,577
by their pussies."

1074
00:54:50,958 --> 00:54:54,002
"Sorry, I'm just trying
to wrap my head around this idea."

1075
00:54:54,086 --> 00:54:56,797
"Um, so they're just in underwear?
Is that the only--"

1076
00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:58,549
"Oh, forgot to tell you."

1077
00:54:58,632 --> 00:55:02,052
"Of course they're not just in underwear.
We have skirts for them, obviously."

1078
00:55:02,135 --> 00:55:06,807
"But we figured out a way
to make them go straight out."

1079
00:55:07,432 --> 00:55:10,269
"So you can still see
everything you need to see."

1080
00:55:10,394 --> 00:55:11,478
[clicks tongue]

1081
00:55:14,064 --> 00:55:16,441
"I'm sorry, I'm just-- [splutters]
I'm not getting it."

1082
00:55:16,525 --> 00:55:19,111
"Do you want to just, I don't know,
show me the dance moves?"

1083
00:55:19,194 --> 00:55:21,405
She's like,
"No problem, it's very simple."

1084
00:55:21,488 --> 00:55:23,031
"They just show their pussies…

1085
00:55:27,744 --> 00:55:28,829
from every angle."

1086
00:55:40,465 --> 00:55:43,010
"Their pussies fly.
They're making the pussies fly."

1087
00:55:43,677 --> 00:55:47,264
"And then they just present their pussies

1088
00:55:48,682 --> 00:55:51,143
to everyone in the audience."

1089
00:55:51,226 --> 00:55:52,769
"One by one."

1090
00:55:55,981 --> 00:56:00,444
"You know how you blow kisses at people?
They just blow their pussies at people."

1091
00:56:01,069 --> 00:56:03,530
"Don't worry, we don't let them smile."

1092
00:56:03,614 --> 00:56:05,991
"Make sure they have no joy
behind their eyes."

1093
00:56:07,451 --> 00:56:10,078
You can have one, of course, sir.
Of course.

1094
00:56:13,749 --> 00:56:15,918
Ballet is a wild show!

1095
00:56:16,793 --> 00:56:17,794
It's a wild show.

1096
00:56:17,878 --> 00:56:20,297
You know a show's creepy
when they give the audience binoculars.

1097
00:56:20,422 --> 00:56:22,257
Like, why do they have binoculars?

1098
00:56:25,135 --> 00:56:28,430
Why do the binoculars have one handle bar?

1099
00:56:35,854 --> 00:56:38,315
Why do you need one hand free?

1100
00:56:41,109 --> 00:56:42,819
What is this show?

1101
00:56:43,695 --> 00:56:48,033
It's called The Nutcracker, you guys!

1102
00:56:48,116 --> 00:56:49,910
[laughter and applause]

1103
00:56:54,414 --> 00:56:58,377
I love you, Newark, New Jersey!

1104
00:56:58,460 --> 00:57:01,922
♪ Don't act like that's a disease ♪

1105
00:57:02,005 --> 00:57:05,217
♪ Need y'all to bear with me, please ♪

1106
00:57:05,300 --> 00:57:08,428
♪ I just say what I see ♪

1107
00:57:08,512 --> 00:57:12,766
♪ You look at me
And you see what I see ♪

1108
00:57:12,850 --> 00:57:15,853
♪ Because you're looking
In the mirror… ♪

1109
00:57:15,936 --> 00:57:18,647
I love you, Newark, New Jersey!

1110
00:57:19,815 --> 00:57:22,609
♪ Because you're looking
In the mirror… ♪

1111
00:57:23,485 --> 00:57:25,737
You better fuckin' catch me!

1112
00:57:26,989 --> 00:57:29,241
You better catch me!

1113
00:57:29,324 --> 00:57:34,621
♪ 'Cause maybe, maybe, maybe
We're just the same ♪

1114
00:57:34,705 --> 00:57:36,874
♪ Because you're looking
In the mirror ♪

1115
00:57:36,957 --> 00:57:40,502
♪ We're all crossing paths
For a reason… ♪

1116
00:57:40,586 --> 00:57:43,005
Get your photos, everyone!

1117
00:57:43,088 --> 00:57:45,507
♪ Hoping just to share
Some laughs… ♪

1118
00:57:45,591 --> 00:57:47,968
Here we go, Bap Bap Bap!

1119
00:57:48,051 --> 00:57:50,554
[cheering]

1120
00:57:50,637 --> 00:57:53,849
♪ Have I met you in the past ♪

1121
00:57:53,932 --> 00:57:57,436
♪ In a life that I lived last ♪

1122
00:57:57,519 --> 00:58:01,023
Bap Bap Bap!

1123
00:58:01,106 --> 00:58:02,816
You want to see my new act?

1124
00:58:02,900 --> 00:58:04,776
[laughs]

1125
00:58:04,860 --> 00:58:08,697
♪ Well, I don't know
The monsters you knew ♪

1126
00:58:08,780 --> 00:58:12,826
♪ But I'm trying to forget
The ones I met too ♪

1127
00:58:12,910 --> 00:58:15,537
-Ehh-ehh-ehh.
-♪ Baby, you could help me ♪

1128
00:58:15,621 --> 00:58:19,791
♪ Baby, I'm-a help you… ♪

1129
00:58:20,918 --> 00:58:22,753
[audience] Whoo!

1130
00:58:24,004 --> 00:58:24,880
Whoo!

1131
00:58:24,963 --> 00:58:28,258
What's up, Des Moines, Iowa?!

1132
00:58:28,342 --> 00:58:31,178
[indistinct chatter]

1133
00:58:31,261 --> 00:58:33,347
That is wild to me!

1134
00:58:34,264 --> 00:58:36,850
♪ Baby, baby, baby… ♪

1135
00:58:36,934 --> 00:58:39,144
All right, I love you.
We're outside your house, bitch.

1136
00:58:39,228 --> 00:58:40,938
Hard work paid off!

1137
00:58:41,021 --> 00:58:42,898
Hard work paid off!

1138
00:58:42,981 --> 00:58:44,399
Thank you to the Windy City

1139
00:58:44,483 --> 00:58:46,652
for drying out my chin

1140
00:58:46,735 --> 00:58:48,737
but not my… [clicks tongue]

1141
00:58:49,613 --> 00:58:52,324
-♪ It's the same pain ♪
-I love you!

1142
00:58:52,407 --> 00:58:54,535
♪ And when I wake, I hear ♪

1143
00:58:54,618 --> 00:58:57,246
-Whoo!
-♪ The same wave ♪

1144
00:58:57,329 --> 00:59:01,792
♪ Of sirens coming down my way ♪

1145
00:59:01,875 --> 00:59:02,876
♪ Ay-ay-ay-ay ♪

1146
00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:04,920
So, my pants did split.

1147
00:59:05,003 --> 00:59:07,256
[laughter]

1148
00:59:07,339 --> 00:59:10,884
[chanting "Hard work paid off!"]

1149
00:59:17,182 --> 00:59:21,603
♪ You look at me
And you'll see what I see ♪

1150
00:59:21,687 --> 00:59:24,147
♪ Ayyyy ♪

1151
00:59:24,231 --> 00:59:26,024
♪ When you're with me ♪

1152
00:59:26,108 --> 00:59:28,986
♪ There's no use in hiding ♪

1153
00:59:29,111 --> 00:59:31,405
♪ Because you're looking
In the mirror ♪

1154
00:59:31,488 --> 00:59:33,991
♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪

1155
00:59:34,074 --> 00:59:36,118
♪ Don't look away… ♪

1156
00:59:36,201 --> 00:59:38,161
I love you, Newark!

1157
00:59:38,245 --> 00:59:40,998
♪ 'Cause, baby, baby, baby ♪

1158
00:59:41,081 --> 00:59:43,333
♪ We're just the same ♪

1159
00:59:43,417 --> 00:59:45,961
♪ Because you're looking
In the mirror ♪