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-♪ Pum pa ra rum -♪ Pum pa ra rum
-♪ Paa
ANNOUNCER: Raise your glasses for Zane Lamprey.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ La la la la la
-♪ La la la -♪ La la la la la
-♪ La la la la ♪ -♪ La la la la la la ♪
All right, all right, all right.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
-All right, mabuhay. -AUDIENCE: Mabuhay!
Wow, fantastic.
So, traveling around the world
has an effect on you,
and anybody here who's traveled internationally
knows exactly what I'm talking about.
You can't go to another country and not appreciate
the way that they live, their culture, their traditions, their way of life.
But also at the same time, appreciate how good we have it.
So while shooting the shows that I've done, Three Sheets,
Drinking Made Easy, Chug, Four Sheets,
I've been able to experience so... so many cultures.
And I've drank in 71 countries,
-Seventy-one. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Seventy-two if you count the Vatican.
-But... [CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...there I just had a little sip of wine
and the cutest little piece of toast.
And then I ate it and I was still hungry, right?
So, I go back in the line and get back up to the front.
And the guy told me that you can't have seconds,
which I told him I didn't think was very Christian.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Uh, let's see, coolest place.
The coolest place I've ever drank was Tanzania,
Tanzania, Africa.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
Tanzanians are here. Thank you for coming.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -It's never happened.
Uh, I got to sit down and drink with the chief of the Maasai tribe.
Now I sat down and drank with this guy.
This guy has 30 wives.
30 beautiful, beautiful ladies
at his disposal 24/7, to remind him
-that he's an idiot, because marriage... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Hey, listen, if you're with your wife, don't laugh at that.
It's not... That wasn't for you.
Most expensive drink I ever had was in, uh, Scotland.
There, I was drinking with the master distiller at Glenfiddich,
and we're working our way up the Scotch ladder.
We have the 12-year-old, the 15, the 25-year-old Scotch,
and he's like, [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] "You know what?
Hold on one second, I'll be right back."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] He goes back in the office, goes into the safe
and pulls out a $10,000 bottle
of 50-year-old Scotch.
-[AUDIENCE WHOOPING] -Brings it out in this beautiful bottle
and he poured it. It looked amazing and it smelled fantastic,
and we drank it and it tasted like...
Scotch.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't know. I don't know what you guys want there.
Um. Oh, it tasted like Jesus peeing in my mouth.
-But well, the old Jesus not baby. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know what? I'm not helping out this situation better.
But, you know, look, it's like, look, did it taste better?
I don't know. It tasted different.
But I think we have this fascination with,
the older it is, the more time it spends in a barrel,
the better it is, the more expensive it is.
I don't know if that's just marketing or, or if it's actually true.
Like, I had the 25-year-old, it was good.
The 50-year-old, it was good.
It just tasted a little bit older than the 25-year-old.
It's like my buddy is like, "Zane, if you like my sister,
you got to meet my grandmother because...
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
She... She's a... She's old... She's an old lady.
And she has trouble with the stairs and she sleeps in the cellar
-and she smells like old wood, and I think you'd like her. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I'm just saying, throwing it out.
Ah, most drinks I ever had in one day was in Moscow.
Moscow, Russia, and we're there shooting an episode of Three Sheets.
Now, when shooting Three Sheets , we'd be there for about four days.
On the last day,
we had a lot of shoots to do, always on the last day.
So in the morning, uh, we went to this bathhouse.
I drank with these guys.
We drank vodka, while we sat in a sauna,
and they hit me with a leafy branch,
which they told me was a tradition.
I don't think it was a tradition.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I just think it was two drunk Russian guys
walking to work in the morning drunk from the night before,
like, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "Hey, when America gets here,
why don't we hit him with [CLICKS TONGUE] leafy branch?"
[IN NORMAL VOICE] In the, in the afternoon, I went and had samogon,
which is a Russian moonshine. Drank a bunch of that.
And then the evening, I went to drink with our translator
at his apartment, and his friends.
Now, we get to this apartment.
It's one of those Communist tenement buildings
that looked the same for miles and miles.
No elevator, just stairs, walked all the way to the top floor.
And we're not shooting in his apartment.
We're shooting in this apartment across the hall
that they'd broken into, that had been condemned for decades.
-Decades. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Broken floorboards, taped-up windows,
a painting of Stalin still on the wall,
electricity coming in from an extension cord
from their apartment to a very small space heater.
It was like, it was like if Property Brothers
were renovating an apartment and all they had to work with was tetanus.
I want to sort of paint a picture of it.
So I go in and we sit down at this crappy table
with five mismatched chairs, me and four Russian guys.
And we crack open a bottle of Putinka vodka.
Putinka vodka. [MIMICS BOTTLE OPENING]
Open it up and we pour out the shots
and we have the first shot. And we say na zdrowie.
AUDIENCE: Na zdrowie.
And then... we start to drink.
To get the conversation going, as is my job,
I tell these guys that I heard that it's a tradition
when you open a bottle of vodka in Moscow, in Russia, with friends,
that you finish it.
And this young guy at the table, maybe he's 23 years old.
He's like, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "This is a bullshit.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -"This is a bullshit.
"I don't know where you're hearing this.
"Maybe you're watching too many American movies about Russia.
"No, we're not all wearing furry hats.
"And doing the crazy dancings and then drinking bottle of vodka to empty.
"This is bullshit guy. This is bullshit."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm like, "Okay, you get the next shot because
"you're not being very funny."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And then we sat around and we got to know each other
and we talked and we laughed.
And we had an amazing time until the bottle was empty
because it is a tradition.
Big deal. It's okay.
Traditions are great.
Now at this point, Christina, the producer,
she comes around behind the table and she's like,
"Hey, how do you feel about that?" I'm like, "That was great."
She's like, "Yeah, I think we're, uh, we're wrapped. That was a great scene."
I'm like, "Yeah, this is a great way to end the show."
And I hear behind me...
[MIMICS BOTTLE OPENING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They opened another bottle of vodka.
So, decision time.
I can rest on the fact that, look, we just shot an amazing scene
at the end of an incredible episode.
I can wake up tomorrow with probably not the worst hangover I've ever had, or...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Or, I could embrace the fact that I'm in Moscow in the dead of winter,
in this shithole Communist tenement apartment
with four drunk Russians well on their way to trouble, so I fucking stayed.
-Oh, I stayed. Of course I did. -[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
Absolutely.
So we start drinking from that second bottle,
and that young guy, he's like, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "Hey, I will get something.
"I'll be right back."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Leaves the apartment, comes back two minutes later,
kicks open the door, [MIMICS KICKING DOOR]
holding above his head a Kalashnikov, a machine gun.
And he sees the look on my face like, "Oh, this is how it ends."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He goes, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "Guys, don't worry. This old Soviet gun."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Here's the thing, though.
The predecessor to the Kalashnikov
was the AK-47, invented in 1947.
The Kalashnikov, also known as the AK-74,
was invented in 1974.
This gun is younger than me, but he's wielding it like a fucking Civil War musket.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
or a club that cavemen would use to hunt women,
or the promise of fame that Kevin Spacey would use to hunt young men.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE BOOING AND CHEERING]
What, is he from here or something? Jesus. Fuck that guy.
And he hands it to me.
He forces his gun into my hand.
And look, I'm not used to handling heavy artillery.
-I'm not from Orange County, so I don't... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LIGHTLY APPLAUDS]
I'm not from Orange County in any state, by the way,
just to clarify that.
And so I'm like, okay, great. I'm holding this, um...
"Is it loaded?"
He goes, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "No, of course not loaded.
"I'm not going to hand you a loaded machine gun, okay."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm like, "Oh God, yeah. Sorry. Fucking idiot."
"So, so I can, I can, I can pull the trigger?"
He's like, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "Well, um...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"maybe, maybe don't pull trigger. Sometimes bullet gets stuck."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] "What the fuck are you talking about?
"Maybe? So you handed me what is possibly a loaded machine gun
"as we're sitting here getting loaded on our second bottle of vodka?"
And this old guy sitting next to me leans in, and he goes,
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "A Kalashnikov like woman.
"She probably not mad at you, but why ask to find out?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE, LAUGHS] Right?
Gentlemen, you are welcome.
You are welcome.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
So I'm sitting there drinking this second bottle of vodka.
Me holding a fucking machine gun on my lap.
And when we were done, that young guy,
who was all worried about Russian stereotypes, ends up with a furry hat on
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
and a bra.
I don't even know where that came from. That's not important.
Doing that dance where they fold their arms and drop down and pop back up.
-ZANE: You know what I'm talking about? -AUDIENCE: Yeah.
I'm not going to do it. That is the easiest way to tear your perineum.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If you guys don't know where your perineum is,
have your friend touch your perineum.
Ooh! Oh thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Kevin.
I was wondering about that.
I was at a show in Phoenix and this lady in the front row
reached over and touched her friend on the knee.
I was like, "You think that that's her perineum?"
And she's like, "Yes." I go, "Well, it ain't."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And there are still some people in here
that have no idea what we're talking about. But that's okay.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -That's part of it.
So he comes back after doing this very impressive,
very impressive athletic dance.
And he comes back. He's like,
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "Hey... hey, did you pull trigger?"
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm like, "No, I didn't pull the trigger. You said not to."
He goes, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Well, we're on top floor, I think.
Just aim ceiling.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, yeah. Just shoot up there, right?
I don't... Yeah. What's the big deal?
I don't have to... have to...
just that... [MIMICS CLICK SOUND] Ah.
He goes, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "Hold on. I get bullet."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And that is why in Russia you stop at two bottles
because I don't need to know where that train was going.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUDING]
So, [CHUCKLES]
the next day I wake up with a hangover, of course,
but, it wasn't the worst hangover I can remember.
The worst hangover that I can remember was when we went to Miami
to shoot an episode of Drinking Made Easy.
And we go down there.
Uh, my wife, she produced the show.
And so we went down there a day before the crew
because a friend of ours was having a party.
And a lot of people know my wife, Mel.
-Either you follow her on social media. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
She produced our show. She rescues animals. She's absolutely amazing.
But truth be told, I was married briefly...
I've been married to Mel for 10 years,
but I was married briefly before I married Mel.
But when I married Mel, I realized I could be with someone who was smart
and funny and beautiful and supportive
and just an amazing partner.
You know what I mean?
-If you're one of these people, you understand. -[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
But it makes me wonder...
What's my third wife going to be like? Because...
-It's very big... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Wow.
I mean, she hasn't been born yet, but I don't think that that's part of...
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]
Let me tell you how well that joke did in Tampa.
Whoa!
Somebody threw his teeth at me. That's how upset he was.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh. You know, think about Mel. Look, she, she is amazing.
And I know that when people tell me that I'm batting out of my league, that's fine.
But please don't tell her that.
She doesn't need to know that.
You know, she's so amazing.
She produced our shows, and when we were shooting, Drinking Made Easy,
uh, she actually had three back surgeries during that time,
didn't miss any, any work.
But the, the first two surgeries didn't take.
So she needed to get a third back surgery, and this one was more invasive.
She actually had to have some hardware attached to her spine.
It was about four years ago. She's recovering fantastically,
but after it happened, she needed to spend some time
in the hospital, a few days to recover.
And then to be, you know, under observation.
So of course, I was with her the entire time.
I didn't leave her side because, you know, there's no bars in hospitals.
-But... I checked, I checked. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You don't have to look it up.
And... and we were visited by
the surgeon and the doctors and the nurses
and the physical therapists and the occupational therapists.
And the occupational therapist's job is to teach Mel
how to go about everyday life while protecting her back.
You know? Because, yeah, because the laundry was piling up. Exactly.
-That's right. That's right. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You didn't say it, but you thought it and I appreciate that.
It was very modern of you.
The occupational therapist goes through this whole thing.
After about 15 minutes, she's done, and she goes,
[MIMICS FEMALE VOICE] "I like to tell couples
"that it's okay if you want me to discuss, uh, intimacy,"
[IN NORMAL VOICE] And my wife, she didn't say a word.
She just gave me this look. I know this look.
It's, [MIMICS FEMALE VOICE] "If you let her discuss intimacy
"I will murder you while you sleep."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, we don't need to discuss intimacy.
We're married. We don't do that anymore.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That was more of the courting process.
Or at least, please don't do this. Please stop.
She's like, [MIMICS FEMALE VOICE] "Okay, okay, okay.
"Well, I'll just give you my spiel."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, you're going to do it anyway. That's awesome.
Thanks for that.
She said, [MIMICS FEMALE VOICE] "I like to tell people that physical touch
"can often be replaced by a tender look."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm gonna say it again because I wrote it down when I heard it.
Specifically to share with you guys, she said,
[MIMICS FEMALE VOICE] "Physical touch can be replaced by tender looks."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What the fuck are you talking about? Are you even...
Like, what does that mean?
Like what? Like Mel and I, we'd be home, you know, a month later,
and she's recovering fantastically and we're sharing a bottle of wine.
It's a Saturday night, listening to some music,
And I was like, "Hey, Mel, you want to go upstairs?"
And she's like, [MIMICS FEMALE VOICE] "No."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm like, why? Just come on, let's go to the bedroom, you know, whatever.
And she's like, [MIMICS FEMALE VOICE] "No."
And then she just flashes me a tender look, and I'm like,
"Whoop, that is awesome. That's fantastic."
Wow, I'm going to go get a head start on next year's taxes
because I feel very clear-headed about everything.
Or maybe, or maybe it's like two years later, I forgot about this whole thing,
and I'm at a party over in the corner,
talking to some of my friends about something serious.
And Mel, she just wants to mess with me.
So she just gives me a tender look and I'm like,
Ooh! [CHUCKLES]
"Guys, I'll be right back.
"This is, uh... this is awkward."
Miami. We get down to Miami and we go to this party.
Guy Fieri is having a big party and we go there.
And we go on the front door, and the first thing we do,
is Guy just puts a shot in my hand.
And boom, we're off to the races.
And, uh, Mel reminds me we have a tradition.
The first morning... We go to Miami a lot.
And the first morning, we wake up in Miami, we go and have a Cuban breakfast.
So she's like, "Don't forget about breakfast."
I'm like, "No, I'm good." She's like, "Great."
So she's hanging with us. She's drinking,
but she's pacing herself and I'm doing laps around her.
And look, I'm not going to say that I drank too much,
but I did wake up on the floor of the hotel bathroom
hugging the toilet at 10:00 in the morning,
with my wife standing above me with a cup of coffee.
[MIMICS FEMALE VOICE] Can you be ready to go in 10 minutes?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No.
Can you...
Can you bring people back from the dead in 10 minutes?
So, she made me an appointment at one of those hangover IV places.
Now here's the thing, hangovers are caused by dehydration.
But you can drink as much water as you want,
take as many electrolytes as your body can handle,
but your body only absorbs 10% of it.
That's it. 10%.
But an IV bag, filled with saline water and vitamins,
injected directly into your bloodstream,
and your body absorbs 100% of all of it.
So an hour after I was saying my last rites
on the bathroom floor of the Fontainebleau Hotel,
I'm having shots, mojitos and Cuban sandwiches in Little Havana.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
Yeah! Fuck yeah.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It has been an absolute privilege to be able to shoot the shows
that I've done, to be able to go around
and visit so many countries and so many breweries.
It is a privilege and an honor to be in front of you guys tonight.
So thank you so much for being here.
Most sincerely.
Thank you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
Wow, that's good Bruery beer.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Contractually, I was obligated to do that.
Um...
These guys. I love their beer.
When they first started, I was like, "Yeah, what you gonna call your brewery?
"There's so many different things."
And they're like, "We're gonna call it The Bruery."
I'm like, "Damn. Damn, that is intense."
"But we're going to spell it wrong."
That's confusing.
That is going to confuse people.
I don't think you guys are going to make it a year.
So, they're fine. They're fine.
So what do we learn there? Number one.
Don't try to outdrink Guy Fieri. He's got the sunglasses, on the back of his head.
You don't know if he's coming or going.
He's literally drinking on a boat.
What the fuck is this sorcery? How...
I panicked. I panicked.
I panicked and I drank too much.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Number two, an IV can erase the mistakes of the previous night.
Except for perhaps, running along the beach,
uh, back to the hotel at 4:00 a.m.,
naked,
trying to catch Guy Fieri to give him a tender look.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -So...
I will just say this,
uh, with all due respect, that man is fast when he needs to be.
That's all I'm going to say.
Wow.
So people ask me all the time.
They say, "Zane, what's your favorite?
"What's your favorite hangover cure?
"You've had so many different hangover cures all over the world."
And I said, "That's it. The IV. That's the only cure."
The only thing to wipe it out completely.
I've had remedies.
You know, things that mitigate the symptoms,
lessen the severity of the hangover.
Like, for example, I was in, uh, Mexico
and to get rid of the hangover, uh, I had spicy food,
which is the only time I had to run to the bathroom to do a number three.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's the one that burns. It's either three or seven.
I'm not really sure of the numbers of them.
When I was in Denmark, they told me
to jump into the fjord.
Now, it's February. It is 10 degrees out.
The fjord, the bay is 20 degrees
and they said, "Get naked and jump in," and I did it.
I got naked, jumped in the fjord,
still had my hangover,
couldn't find my genitals.
-So that's not, that's not good for people. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's not helpful.
When I went to Peru, on the way to Machu Picchu,
there's a place called the Sacred Valley.
And there I sat down with a medicine woman, a shaman,
and in this ceremony she took a long, thin stick.
She burned the end of a stick.
And she gave me five cigarette burns on my arm.
And put frog poison inside those wounds.
So after a few moments, my body absorbed this poison
and my body thought that I had just ingested
a poison frog.
So I became violently ill and I threw up uncontrollably
for an hour and a half, which made me realize that my hangover wasn't that bad.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
One time I got a splinter.
"I said to my friend Nick, I'm like, "Hey, can you help me with this splinter?"
He's like, "Sure." Kicked me in the balls.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Splinter, no longer my biggest problem.
That's, kind of, how that works. [CHUCKLES]
Here's one. This is the easy one.
You could try this one.
When I was in Greece, they told me to take a raw onion,
cut it in half and take half of that onion
and put it directly under your genitals.
To cure your hangover.
And all that did was like, an hour later, was give my wife bad breath.
So...
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING AND LAUGHING]
I keep trying that one. I'll make that one stick.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
In, uh, in Jamaica,
the hangover remedy was, was herbal tea.
And if you're like, "Oh, yeah, my grandmother used to drink herbal tea," it's different.
It's different unless your grandmother was also your fucking weed dealer
because this was marijuana, this is a ganja tea.
Now we go down, we're in the town in Negril.
We go to a place called Ted's Tea Shack,
which is also Ted's house,
and we... well, we go inside and on his stove,
he's got a pot with a heaping amount of marijuana in it.
A giant amount of marijuana in it,
simmering in a small amount of water,
and when it's done steeping, he brings it outside.
And he strains it into two teacups
through an old T-shirt, mm,
and he filled his cup a little bit
and he filled my cup all the way to the top.
And then he drank his.
And then I drank mine.
And then Ted was like,
[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT] "Oh man, you drank the whole thing."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What? Yeah!
"Ted! Yeah, you poured that for you, and you drank that.
"And then you poured this for me, and I drank that.
-"Why? I wasn't supposed to?" -[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT] "No man,
"I poured a little bit for me because this is all I can handle.
"And I poured a lot for you to share with everybody."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"That's a lot of tea, man."
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY AND IN NORMAL VOICE] Ted.
Ted.
What's going to happen to me?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT] "Man, I don't know."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"But it could be trouble.
"I think it's going to feel like you got hit by a freight train."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] "Ted, what? Whoa, man! Hit by a freight train?
"Why don't you use an analogy that you can relate to?
"Why don't you tell me it'll feel like I got hit by a bobsled?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Fifteen minutes later, and it hit me.
But it wasn't what he made it out to be.
I just got hit with this wave of relaxation.
I just felt like this warmth wash over me, and I felt good.
I felt great. I felt present.
I felt alert.
I felt relaxed. So, I was like,
"Ted man, why'd you scare me?
"If you had more of this tea, I would drink it right now.
"I like the way that this feels."
He's like, [IN JAMAICAN ACCENT] "Man, well, I don't know
what the hell you're talking about.
It's not going to hit you for another 45 minutes, man."
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] So, 45 minutes later,
I lost the use of my legs.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
It's true.
Uh, yeah.
I was stuck in my chair.
I had to be carried by the crew to the crew van.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This is how they walk. Don't make fun of them.
Put in the van, double seat-belted in, so I didn't fall over on the turns.
Driven to the hotel.
We got to the hotel, be carried to the hotel through the hotel lobby.
"He's okay."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And brought to my room and laid down on my bed, which is where they left me.
And I'm lying there, staring up at the ceiling.
And when I could finally move my legs again, I was too afraid to get out of bed
because the towel hanging on the doorknob,
looked like a baby ghost.
Huh.
Mm.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Uh...
Edibles may cause paranoia.
Like, look, I smoked pot before.
I never felt anything like this.
Maybe Ted gave me something stronger.
Maybe he gave me something different.
Maybe he's on his way to my hotel room right now to harvest my organs.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
When he gets here, should I tell him
that my liver is probably not an organ that he wants from me?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Take my spleen, Ted. I haven't even used it.
I don't even know where it is.
I've never been to space before...
or heaven. Maybe the Earth is flat.
I don't know.
This is the shit you think about when you're stoned.
All I did know is, that I still had another scene to shoot that day.
So the phone rings.
It's Christina, the producer, and she's like, "Hey, you ready to go?"
-I'm like, "No." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Christina, you told me I had two hours of downtime."
And she's like, "I know, I know. We went and had lunch and we shot some other stuff.
"It's been five hours."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Edibles may cause time travel.
I was like, "No, Christina, I can't, I can't do this.
"I'm still stoned from Ted's Tea Shack,
"and I don't think I can do it. I don't think you want me to do it.
"I don't even think I can carry on a coherent conversation."
And she's like, "You're having a coherent conversation
"of how you can't have a coherent conversation."
-I was like, "Well played." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Okay, fine.
I'll put my shit together.
I'll come down, I'll be downstairs in five minutes and she's like, "No, no, no.
"I'm just kidding. You sound high as shit. You shouldn't be around people.
"No, no, no! Stay away.
"Stay away from contact."
She's like, "Maybe just, you know, like, enjoy being stoned.
"Look, we're done. The episode is wrapped.
"Maybe just go enjoy being stoned.
"Go for a walk on the beach.
"Go for a swim in the ocean."
I was like, "Yeah, and fall off the planet?"
"Fuck you, Christina!
"God damn it!"
Everyone in Jamaica is out to get me.
That's the plan.
So, went to sleep that night at 7:00 p.m.
Woke up the next morning at 9:00 a.m.
I slept for 14 hours. I felt amazing.
I get myself to the airport, get on the flight.
Take off, and the lady next to me sees I'm traveling by myself
and she's like, "What were you doing in Jamaica?"
I was like, "Oh, I was doing a show called Three Sheets.
"I went to Ted's Tea Shack.
"I wouldn't recommend it."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I went to Appleton Estates, I had jerk chicken.
I did an episode in Costa Rica and Ireland and Wales and France.
Oh, I started telling her all these stories about all the trips I had.
At some point, the flight attendant comes over and says,
"Sir, you need to put your seat up."
I was like, "Oh, wow, I didn't realize we were changing planes in Miami."
She was like, "No, we're landing in Los Angeles."
It's been six and a half hours
that I've been talking to this lady non-stop.
-[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] -Non-stop.
I'm afraid I've literally bored her to death.
I don't want to look at her.
I'm afraid she's turned into one of those skeletons from Indiana Jones.
Just a skull with hair on it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I turned. I didn't even know what to say,
but I turned to apologize, and there's nobody there.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
And the flight attendant told me that there never was.
So, from now on, fly stoned. That's all I can tell you.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING AND LAUGHING]
Another flight that I was on was the very first flight
to go shoot the very first episode of Three Sheets.
Flying in to go shoot in Galway, Ireland.
Now, the first episode we shot was Galway, Ireland.
Then we shot in Wales and Belgium and Champagne, France.
We shot those four episodes before we went back home
to edit them together and see what it is, that we even had.
So I'm on the flight, and I have this idea
that I want to figure out how to make Three Sheets
the first TV show that was created as a drinking game.
Now, a lot of TV shows have been turned into drinking games after the fact,
but I would be the first show that was deliberately created as a drinking game.
So, I'm thinking about this on the flight.
And nothing cool was coming to mind.
I didn't want it to be cliche.
I wanted it to be something fun and original.
I couldn't figure it out.
And I'm walking through the airport and I pass a gift shop.
And on the shelf of this gift shop was one little stuffed toy monkey.
Where is he? He's usually at the shows.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
Yes, exactly.
Let's throw this one right there.
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -This guy right there.
So, yes. So I see this monkey and I get him and I start to hide him
in the scenes, in the back of the scenes.
And the rule was, the first person to see the monkey
would get to make one of their friends drink.
So I hide the monkey back there,
put him on the bookshelf.
I put him on the back of the bar and he sat there,
and while doing this on the first day, Mike, the director, he's like,
"Hey, what's going on with this monkey?"
And I tell him about the drinking game and he's like,
"Wow, that is awesome. I love that.
"But, I work for the network.
"I have an obligation to them.
"I'm gonna have to clear it by them.
"So you know what? Just enjoy doing it for the rest of the day.
"And then let's hop on a call with them tomorrow
"and kind of tell them what it's about."
I was like, "All right." So the next day we get on the call
with the head of the network and all their attorneys.
He's like, [IN DEEP VOICE] "So, uh, Zane,
"Mike tells us, you, uh, you got this idea for a, a drinking game?"
I was like, [NORMAL VOICE SHAKING] "Yeah, well, either I told Mike
or maybe Mike told me, sir. Kind of depends on how this call goes."
[IN DEEP VOICE] "Well, we don't think it's a very good idea,
"to have a drinking game with only one rule.
"Can you come up with more rules?
"We think it's fantastic. What a great idea."
[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Evil laugh.
[IN DEEP VOICE] By the way, what's the monkey's name?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Now, at this point, I hadn't thought that far into the future
and so I said, "Pleepleus."
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I thought it sounded important and Greek.
I have no idea where I came up with it.
And he's like, [IN DEEP VOICE] "People's?"
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Uh, no, Pleepleus.
[IN DEEP VOICE, MUTTERS] "Long connection.
"You're saying purples?" [IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm like, "No, sir, Pleepleus."
He's like, [IN DEEP VOICE] "Ugh, just email me." Click.
[IN NORMAL VOICE, CHUCKLES] That was it.
So I had to then come up with another rule for the drinking game.
And so I decided, I would tell a story about a different friend of mine
in every episode.
So, we, we are in Ireland.
We are in Ireland, and so I tell a story
about my buddy, Steve McKenna.
-Makes sense, Irish name, that's it. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Now we get to Wales.
And I tell a story about a different friend of mine.
I tell a story about my buddy Neil.
And the crew is like, "Whoa!"
I'll try to say this verbatim,
I start to tell a story about Neil, and they said,
"Fuck Neil."
Yeah, that was it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah... like, eloquently said.
And I was like, I'm like, "Wait, what's wrong?
"What do you have against Neil?"
They're like, "We don't have... Fuck, Neil."
"We don't give a shit about... We don't care about Neil,
"but we need to understand Steve McKenna. This guy is a maniac.
"We need more stories about him."
And that was it.
So the rule became,
when I tell a story about Steve McKenna, it's a social and everybody takes a drink.
So that's what's happening right now.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING] Cheers!
Now, when we shot Three Sheets,
we had one camera guy.
This is very rare for a travel show. It's rare for any show.
Just to have one camera shooting the whole thing, with a guy named Curtis.
Curtis was the camera guy.
Eric was the sound guy.
And so, Curtis would shoot the entire thing,
entire scene between two people with one camera,
and so that the editor could cut this three-hour shoot
down to a five-minute scene.
We'd get an insert shot of the drinks being poured.
And then a shot of the drinks being made on the bar.
And then you get what's called a reaction shot, or a listening shot.
A listening shot is very simple.
I'm here. The person is there that I'm talking to.
The camera is right there.
And then Mike would be like, "Okay, look at the person.
Okay, listen to him. Okay, agree with him.
Disagree.
It's on camera. You got to keep it super, super simple.
And now it's the person's turn.
Now I'm here and the camera's there.
And Mike would be like, "Okay, listen to Zane." Okay.
And then, "Okay, now, uh, agree with something Zane says."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Mike's like, "Nope, this is just... keep it natural.
Just has to be natural. Keep it smaller than that."
"Okay. Maybe disagree with something Zane says,"
Mike's like, "No. Okay, you know what Zane, come here for a second.
"Um, here's the deal, look. People are not naturally comfortable
"in front of the TV. So, what I want you to do is just,
"I'm going to have you tell them a story and we'll roll camera on them.
"We won't even tell them we're recording them.
"And you just tell them an interesting story
"that kind of runs the gamut of emotions,
"you know... Ooh! tell a story about Steve McKenna."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I did.
And this is the story that I told.
Steve McKenna and I went to college together, but we were never roommates
for reasons that will become apparent in this story.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We went to Cortland College.
-Thanks, and, um, -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Cortland... Cortland, New York, is just south of Syracuse
uh, and north of pretty much everything else.
So, in our junior year, we had the biggest snowstorm in the history of the city.
We woke up to four-and-a-half feet of snow on the ground,
still snowing heavily.
School was closed, roads were closed,
bars were open, hashtag College.
But it was a while ago we would have said number sign College,
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And so, at 11:00 in the morning, Steve calls me up.
He's like, [IN DEEP VOICE] "Hey, I'll meet you at the bar."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Fine, let's do it.
So, I put on my snow pants and my ski jacket.
And my gloves and my hat.
And trudge my way through four-and-a-half feet of snow
for a mile, to get to the bar,
to find this bar is busier than I've ever seen it!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Everyone is there.
All the students are there, all the professors are there. [LAUGHS]
To put it in perspective,
that wall over there, that's school, okay?
This wall of barrels, that's, that's the bar, okay?
That's the actual distance between these two, these two things.
School, no, no, no, no. It is dangerous.
People could get hurt. They can't...
There's not even a way to get to it. There's too much snow. Shut it down.
Shut it down for the rest of the week.
No, no, close it. Close it down.
That's it. What's that?
The bar's open? Yeah, let's get a pint, come on.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That is it. Where there's a will, there's a way.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
So I get into the bar and it is so packed.
But Steve McKenna was the first person at the bar, so he's got pole position.
He's bellied up to the bar and he's not moving his spot.
He's got six or seven people deep behind him, trying to get drinks.
And so we're passing ahead money,
and Steve is passing back pitchers of beer. That's it.
They're so busy, they're just doing pitchers of beer.
And we were having an amazing time.
Until, at some point, because of the cold,
the sewage line under the bar breaks.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
And this horrible smell wafts through the bar.
It was disgusting.
And so we all flood out onto the street.
There's no cars.
So we start making snowmen and having a big old snowball fight.
It was amazing.
And we look inside, at some point...
And there is Steve McKenna, still at the bar.
Like a soldier at his post. He didn't leave.
So we went back in and we continued to drink until the bar closed,
about 17 hours later.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And the next day was also a snow day.
So we go to a different bar,
and a bunch of us are in a booth.
And we're talking about how much fun this is,
and how much fun the day before was
and Steve's just sitting there with his arms crossed,
slouching down the booth, all grumpy.
And we're like, "Steve, what is it?
"What's wrong with you, man? Why you're not having fun?"
He's like, [IN DEEP VOICE] "Well, uh, I mean, yesterday,
"you guys said you left the bar because of the smell,
"and I didn't think the smell was that bad, and that's why I didn't leave."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Steve, why are you, why are you defending smell?
I don't understand what's happening here.
[IN DEEP VOICE] "Well, I'll tell you. Okay, I'll tell you why.
"It's because I farted and it got away from me
"and I pooped my pants, and it's not a big deal.
"It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal at all,
"but you guys made a big deal out of it.
"And in fact, it's called the shart and the reason it's called the shart
"is because everyone's done it and they needed to give it a name
"so they could tell people what they've done.
"But you guys made me feel like you've never done it.
"And I wanted to leave the bar, I wanted to leave school.
"Never wanted to see you guys ever again."
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Wow, there's a lot to unpack there.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
So what happened was, we went outside for our snowball fight,
Steve ran to the bathroom of this state school dive bar.
There's no door on the stall. There's no toilet paper.
So Steve takes his underwear off,
throws it in the garbage.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
Then, he takes off his T-shirt, rinses it in the sink,
cleans himself out.
-[AUDIENCE GROANS] -Hey, I wasn't there.
This is a dramatization of the events that occurred.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Cleaned himself out, threw that away.
Then he pulled back on his corduroys and his Cosby sweater.
It's okay. It was the 90s.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It might be okay again now too, I don't know.
The news is conflicting,
but he goes back to the bar and he continues to drink.
And that's how Steve got the nickname Number Two.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But understand that I've given you guys some context.
I've explained who Steve is and why I'm telling the story.
So, you guys have a reference for this.
Who didn't have context were the people I was telling
for listening shots in Ireland
and Wales and Belgium and Champagne, France.
I didn't do a lot for diplomatic relations in that part of the world.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So if you're watching one of those, one of those episodes,
you'll see what's called a two shot or a wide shot.
It's me sitting next to the person.
I'm here. The person is here and I'm having a drink.
And I'm talking about the drink I'm having.
"Wow, this is fantastic. I love what you've done.
"I can tell that it's high quality because of the bubbles in it,"
And so I'm drinking it and it cuts to a reaction shot
of the person listening to me talk about the drink.
They're actually listening to me tell the Steve-Shit-His-Pants story.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It will change the way you guys watch those episodes.
Go back and watch 'em. Trust me.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
Now, Steve has another number nickname.
It's "One In Ten."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because for every nine stupid things he says,
he says one genius thing.
And we're not sure if it's actually genius or if it just seems genius
because of the other shit that just fell out of his mouth.
For example, I did a show called Four Sheets.
Now Four Sheets a few years ago came out on September 1st,
went off the air, on September 12th.
-So... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But when we were planning this show,
I called up Steve, I'm like, "Hey, Steve, come to the episode we're shooting
"in Machu Picchu, one of the seven wonders of the world."
He's like, [IN DEEP VOICE] "I'm in.
"That sounds amazing.
"Where is Michu Pichu?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Machu Picchu is in Peru, so it's south of the equator.
So it's July here. It's summer here, but down there, it'll be winter.
He's like, [IN DEEP VOICE] "Whoa!
"So we'll be there for Christmas?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"No, Steve," and people are not laughing.
"That's not how the calendar works."
Like, we didn't have Jesus come out on December 25th,
only to be followed on June 25th by Jesus coming out,
[IN COMICAL SPANISH ACCENT] "Yo! What's up dudes?"
"Hey!"
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
"Uh, guys, it looks like you got started without me, man."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Fuckin' Steve.
Now, I want to be clear about one thing.
My job is as an entertainer.
My job is to entertain you guys.
If you learned anything from any of the shows that I've done,
I apologize. That is a mistake. I did not mean it. It's not intentional.
Most of that shit, we made up.
I'll be honest. I'm not gonna lie to you.
You know, like I've said, traveling around the world,
it has an effect on you. It really does.
And getting the privilege
to travel around and see how so many different cultures
live their day to day lives was a treat.
And, you know, sometimes, I saw beautiful things,
and sometimes I saw things that disturbed me.
I saw the good, I saw the bad.
But either way, I, I know that I grew as a person.
But I'll tell you, in traveling to all these countries,
the most foreign country I've ever been to is Kentucky.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
[CHUCKLES]
So, we're going down there,
we were shooting season 2 of Three Sheets,
and look, they said that Steve McKenna could join us
for an episode. And I was so excited
to have my best friend join me in an episode of my show
and have people finally get to meet this guy Steve
I've been talking about for the whole season
and I got to have a stunt drinker for all the bourbon
that I knew would be consumed in this particular episode.
[CHUCKLES] We pick up Steve at the airport and we drive two hours south
to the town of Sherwood, population 200.
And we go to the Sherwood Inn.
Everybody is there. The entire town is there,
and they were so excited to have a TV show
about their beautiful community.
And so we get there. Everybody's dressed to the nines and looks amazing.
And they have a bluegrass band that they brought in to play.
And the bluegrass band has a you know, like
-a, a full set of teeth between the whole band. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh, no, I mean, everything was really done really well.
And, I brought Steve.
I brought Steve to the bar and I got us bourbon shots and whiskey and moonshine.
Real moonshine shots.
And apple pie shots.
And mint juleps.
And after an hour and a half, Mike, the director comes up.
He's like, "Hey, that was good, man.
"That was good. If you're good, I'm good."
And I was like, "You know what?
"I'm not, I'm not, I'm not."
Because...
the name Steve McKenna, it means something to people.
It's a name. It's also a verb.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Steve McKenna'd. To be inebriated to the point
where one loses control of one's actions.
Examples include streaking, drunk dialing,
"Sorry, I hit on your mom last night.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I was Steve McKenna'd."
So I brought Steve back to the bar,
and I got us more bourbon and more whiskey
and more moonshine and more apple pie shots.
And more mint juleps.
And in an effort to get Steve McKenna Steve McKenna'd,
I managed to get myself Steve McKenna'd.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND WHOOPING]
Cut to Steve and I standing out behind the bar.
Now it's December.
It's midnight, and it is mighty cold outside.
Now we're not naked, so don't let your imagination... [CHUCKLES]
You guys, come on. Because we're wearing socks.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I had made an announcement before I left the bar.
That we're going streaking.
And the entire town is on this giant front porch,
and they are just waiting for us to run by
and Steve and I, we're outside.
And we're shivering and it is now or never.
And went boom, we take off,
like two naked, un-anatomically correct, chubby Ken dolls
flopping through the cold Kentucky air.
And we passed that front porch, they start to cheer.
They love it.
They're not laughing at us.
They're laughing with us. They're having a great time.
Big fucking deal, we're naked.
There's not one person in this entire room
that looks good naked while running.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Except maybe you.
[WOMAN WHOOPS]
And I turned, I turned back to Steve.
I'm like, "Dude, let's make another pass."
He's like, [IN DEEP VOICE] "I'm in. I am in."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] So we run around. We come around the side of the porch
and I hear some guy say to his friend,
[IN COUNTRY ACCENT] "Man, those ladies sure are in a hurry."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] So, we didn't do any more running that night.
Stupid... [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
That's why Kentucky is stupid, 'cause they're mean.
The next year... So the next year,
we did a New Year's Eve Special for Three Sheets,
and we went to all these
international bars in New York City.
And then we brought Steve in, and we went to a bar called Whiskey River.
Sort of as an homage to us being in Kentucky.
And so we went in there and Steve and I, we had some beers and some whiskey inside.
And then we were done.
We were going to go to another bar,
and this is a Tuesday in November
and we walk outside. This is in Lower Manhattan.
It was so quiet. There's no one out.
Just two cops standing across the street, talking to each other.
We come outside the bar. It was cold and buttoned up our jackets,
and Steve's like, "Hey, you want to run to the next bar?" I'm like, "Nah, we can walk."
He's like, "I'll bet you the next round, I can make you run to the next bar."
I was like, "You are on. I'm not running to the next bar buddy."
He's like, "All right,"
reaches into his jacket, and pulls out a full bottle of beer.
He throws it high up in the air and he goes, "Run, bitch!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So we continued our run that evening.
When I was shooting Three Sheets, uh, I was in New York City,
and at a bar, I met Mark Cuban.
Billionaire Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks,
owner of a TV network called HDNet at the time.
He told me that he loved Three Sheets.
He wished that Three Sheets was on his network,
and when the network that Three Sheets was on went off the air,
I called Mark Cuban.
And I said, "Hey, man, why don't we make a domestic
"version of Three Sheets.
"Shoot it just in the US. We'll call it Drinking Made Easy."
He's like, "Okay," and I was like, "What?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What the fuck?
I literally was like, "Did I just con a billionaire into paying me to drink?"
Because think about this.
The audacity of me to think, we had just shot a show that he loved.
And we shot it all over the world,
in 50 countries, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11 continents.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Obviously, there's only 10, people know this.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The thing that I thought, we could shoot a show
in one country and make it as interesting as a show,
we shot all over the world, but we did it.
We loaded up two tour buses, filled them with 17 crew members.
Seventeen people.
We went out and we shot 24 episodes of TV,
a one-hour live comedy special and 51 standup comedy shows,
in 87 days.
I gained 87 pounds.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And when we started doing it, we realized, like,
"Wow, the US is very big,"
but to put it in perspective, you can fit 33 European countries inside the US.
And so, as similar as we are, we're also very different.
You think about drinking cultures in Maine,
in Boston, New York, Philly, Miami, New Orleans, Los Angeles, Anaheim,
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
Alaska, Hawaii... like wow, like, this is a show that needed to be made.
And when we were in Boston,
I get this, this gift, this package delivered to my bus.
And I open it up,
and it's from Jim Koch, the owner, the founder of Sam Adams Beer.
And it is a bottle of Sam Adams Utopias,
which is a 28% alcohol by volume beer,
aged for up to 30 years.
And on the bottle was written, "Zane, you're kicking ass, brother. Love Jim."
-[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] -Amazing!
Amazing!
So I take this bottle, this gift, obviously stash it away in my bus,
and we continue to collect not just things but revelations and ideas and memories.
And it was an amazing, amazing summer.
And we had one day, we were in Boise, Idaho,
and we didn't have anything to shoot.
We didn't have anything to perform.
We didn't have a show there at all.
It was Fourth of July, so we took the day off
and I said, "Let's just have a party."
So we parked the two tour buses at a right angle.
Had these big floodlights out on us, we had a barbecue going.
These coolers of all the craft beer we collected from all over the country.
And we had a party and we had a cornhole tournament.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
And it started off with everybody,
and it ended up with Steve and me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And Steve had one bean bag to throw to win this entire thing.
And he cocks it back. And he lets it go.
And as soon as it left his hand, I knew it was in.
It came to me in slow motion.
[MIMICS PUFFING]
Right in the hole, and he won.
And people were cheering and drinking their beer,
and Steve bent down and picked up that bottle of Sam Adams Utopias
he'd stolen from the bus, and he chugged it.
And before I could get to him, he smashed it on the ground.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
Now, listen...
As I mentioned before, I want you guys to have a good time.
I do not want you to walk away having learned anything.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Don't. Don't learn a thing.
But I do want you to know that my friend is an asshole.
That's important.
That's important to me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So because we had such low expectations
for what we would find in Drinking Made Easy,
I think that led to the biggest surprises.
And the biggest surprise of all happened in Baton Rouge, Louisiana,
and there we get to this place called Fred's.
We go into this bar and we're ready to shoot.
But these guys, I mean, this is Southern hospitality.
They had a crawfish boil and all this food and drink.
They wanted us just to hang out before we even started shooting.
So we did. We had an amazing meal, amazing drinks.
Then they're ready to show us.
They want to show me this drink called the Cracky Sack.
Yeah, it's called the Cracky Sack.
For people in the back, it's called The Cracky Sack Shot.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And so, it's very simple. What happens is,
one person stands at the bar, he's got an empty shot glass.
And then his buddy, uh, gets up at the end of the bar
very carefully, gets up at the bar, walks over to this spot,
and he positions himself here.
And he stands here and he faces all of the booze
at the back of the bar.
The whiskey, the tequila,
the gin, the vodka, he's facing that way, okay?
Now, this guy standing here, he holds the shot glass
and that guy on the bar... gets naked.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
And it actually gets worse from this point, which is interesting.
And so the guy in the bar, the naked guy in the bar,
takes a bottle of whiskey.
Now, I don't want to say the name of the brand.
I don't want to tarnish their reputation.
Besides, I don't think the people at Jack Daniels would appreciate that.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
I'm not going to do it. Guys, I'm not going to do it.
I respect them too much.
And he takes this bottle of whiskey and he pours a shot
down his back.
[AUDIENCE SIGHS]
-Where it goes through his... -AUDIENCE: Crack!
-And off his... -AUDIENCE: Sack!
And into the glass on the bar.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
Where this guy drinks it.
[AUDIENCE GROANING AND CHEERING]
Todd, that was amazing.
That was so good. Seriously, I don't know what...
Pssht! Pssht! Doing!
[MAKES BEEPING SOUNDS]
I don't know. I don't... [MUMBLES]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And they showed us this, and Mel, who's the producer,
she had a question that she thought was going to stump them.
She said, what happens
if the guy in the bar, the man in the bar, isn't a man?
What if it's a woman? Then what do you call it?
And they said, "Oh, then we call it a clam slam."
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
And Mel has not asked a question since then.
So that's nice.
That's actually part of the good thing.
[CHUCKLES] And these guys, these guys have watched
every episode of Three Sheets, every episode of Drinking Made Easy
up until this point, and they were so excited
for me to come and take part in their tradition.
But look, this is the only drink
in any of the shows that I've ever done that I passed on,
and I don't know anybody in their right mind
who would do it. So I had Steve do it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You guys are amazing. Thank you so much!
Good night.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
-♪ Pum pa ra rum -♪ Paa
-♪ Pum pa ra rum
♪ La la la la la
-♪ La la la -♪ La la la la la
-♪ La la bum, bum -♪ La la bum, bum
-♪ La la la la la -♪ La la la, hey
♪ La la la la la
-♪ La la la, hey -♪ La la la la la
-♪ La la bum, bum -♪ La la bum, bum
-♪ La la la la la -♪ La la la, hey
♪ La la la la la
-♪ La la la, hey -♪ La la la la la
-♪ La la bum, bum -♪ La la bum, bum
♪ La la la la la la ♪