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A VAMPIRE IN THE FAMILY
Are we on? We're on! Hello there, friends!
Welcome, everyone, to the most-watched podcast in Brazil.
I am Fernandinho Tramontina, and this is The Ball is Yours, Fernandinho!
THE BALL IS YOURS, FERNANDINHO!
Hey, Ameba!
-The garage door is opening. -Sorry, Fernandinho.
-What the heck, Ameba? -Pay attention!
Moving on.
You can submit your questions. Do we have any?
We have one already.
-A question from Batista. -Hey.
"Claudionor, have you ever missed a goal or thrown a match,
like Fernandinho?
I wanna be clear.
I have never thrown a match in my entire life.
A mosquito flew up my nose just as I was taking the shot.
Yes, it was the finals, and we lost. That did happen.
Ameba, play the tape. I'll show them.
-Again? -It's my show.
When you have your own show, you can do what you want.
Ameba, please. This is the moment I receive the ball.
-That's skill. -Good one.
Ball control.
I was amazingly fast.
I was running, controlling the ball.
I dribbled the goalkeeper here.
Just me and the goal. I'm gonna shoot.
He shoots and…
Play it in slow motion so we can see it better.
The exact moment a mosquito flew into my nose.
-Off to the side. -I can't see it.
This is living proof that I have never betrayed my dear Vasco. Never!
Come on, Fernandinho.
You played for Flamengo the following year.
Ameba, next question, please.
-Fernandinho, see you next show. -While we're here, call me Mr. Fernando.
My bad, Fernandinho… Mr. Fernando.
Honey, where's Neymar?
Can you believe Chicão didn't even invite him?
You promised our daughter Neymar would come!
I know.
-Everyone's waiting, honey. -I know. I'm so sorry.
She's already upset over the green banana truffle
-She won't even remember. -She's been talking about it all week.
-Children forget. -Neymar is not coming?
I wanted to do a TikTok video with him!
You can do it with Daddy. Daddy was a famous soccer player.
Dad, you're not famous anymore. You're no good.
A daughter's love is such a beautiful thing.
-Go find the other one. I got this one. -Okay.
Let me just brush my teeth.
Hi, sweetheart.
Everything okay?
Yeah?
It's almost dark out.
They're waiting for you downstairs.
You're not listening, are you?
That's your answer to whatever I say?
Carol, come on. I'm talking to you.
Come downstairs for a minute.
Jesus, I don't want to. I don't like birthday parties.
-Especially not with chayote truffles. -Gross.
Thanks for the warning.
Listen, when are you taking down this devil poster from your wall?
I told you, that's not the devil.
I miss the one with Dora the Explorer.
-The one I gave you. -That was ten years ago.
Anything is better than this horned beast. It has a dark vibe.
-You can feel it right away. -Dad…
That's Ravengoroki, from Hayu Mokusha. He's a good guy.
Honey, come on. Come downstairs for five minutes.
Fine. I'll think about it.
"Fine…"
I'll be downstairs.
It's so negative that this side is warm. It feels like I'm running a fever.
I'll be waiting.
Kids, don't play with that!
I worked hard to get that. It's not a drum!
Leave my things alone.
-Those are my things. -Honey!
-Yes, honey. -Is Carol coming down?
I asked her to.
At some point, I lost the connection with my daughter.
I don't know what I did wrong.
Come, we're singing "Happy Birthday."
-Someone's at the door. -Answer it. I'm cutting the cake.
It's really rude to arrive at this hour for a child's party
It's dark out. People do anything for free food.
It's outrageous.
Heavy energy.
Yikes!
So weird.
Good evening.
Don't you recognize me?
Honestly…
Honestly, no. Sorry.
It's me, brother-in-law!
-Gregório! -It's me, man!
-Been so long! -We're kissing now?
Everything's good, yeah.
Won't you invite me in?
What? Sure.
Come in, Gregório.
Great.
The kiss was unnecessary.
Let's sing "Happy Birthday."
-In a second. -Okay, come on.
Gregório?
My brother!
God, I can't believe you're here!
-Me neither. -Wow!
The cake can wait.
Listen up, everyone.
The cake will have to wait. A special guest has arrived.
Let me introduce you to my little brother Gregório.
But he is taller than me.
This is my brother-in-law, Gregório.
He disappeared for five years. We never heard from him.
I'm sure he's got many stories to tell.
And we want to hear them all.
-Tell me everything. -Uncle Greg?
-Hi, Uncle! -Little Carol!
-I've missed you! -Who's not so little anymore?
-You're all grown up. -Still little.
Congratulations, man. She's so pretty!
-Thank you. -That hurt.
Fernandinho, do something.
-Offer him something to drink. -My backpack.
Yes, get his backpack.
Greg is our guest. Right?
-Tell me everything. -I'll get it.
-Where have you been? -Quite the welcome wagon. A party.
-I'll tell you everything. -You look so handsome!
-Dear God! -What is it?
Are you carrying a body in there? It's so heavy! Hang on.
Hang on.
-Fernandinho, please. -Fernandinho…
-Don't be a crybaby. -Jesus.
I think a hernia popped out. Something popped out!
It's not about strength.
Holy shit.
I gotta calm down.
-Ibiza is amazing. -Yeah.
I deejayed at many clubs.
Amazing job. Lots of prospects.
It's cool, and the money's great.
Guess who I met there.
David Guetta. He's cool.
No way! I love him. Did you take a picture with him?
No, no pictures. I actually hate it when people take pictures of me.
Why?
Are the police after you? Are you a wanted criminal?
-Fernandinho. -What?
You don't even take selfies?
-No. -Like this?
No, not even selfies. My phone's ancient. No camera.
It's as though you're a drug lord.
Fernandinho!
-Yes? -Stop it. That's enough.
I'm just joking. I'm kidding, bro-in-law!
That's enough, Fernandinho.
No, honestly. He's been gone for five years.
Out of the blue, gone like a fart in a windstorm.
We never heard from him.
He hates pictures and social media, and has a prehistoric cell phone.
It almost has a dial.
You know?
-Who else thinks it's weird? -Fernandinho.
We're having a pleasant conversation.
You're making this awkward. Everyone was listening.
Not at all, sis. He is right.
-He is right. -Thank you.
I apologize.
I was gone for a long time and never called.
But that's what I wanted. I wanted to explore the world.
I wanted to roam free, with no one to answer to.
I wanted that experience.
I dream of doing that.
I dream of doing that too.
Since when?
Honey, let me dream. Can I?
What was your favorite country?
Romania, for sure.
-That's weird. -Romania. I'd like to visit there one day.
Can we go to Romania, Dad?
Let's stick with Beto Carrero.
It's not that far away, and they got those rides…
The roller coaster…
Who goes to Romania?
Are there even package deals to Romania? "Visit Romania!"
Have you ever seen a "I love Romania" T-shirt? I haven't.
It's got the most beautiful landscapes I've ever seen.
The best bars, too.
And let me tell you something else.
Romanian women are almost as pretty as Brazilian women.
He's such a charmer.
He's always been like that. I've known him forever.
He's always been a flirt.
I've always been a flirt too.
-I used to-- -No.
Not you. You were a scoundrel.
Why is your brother a flirt and I'm a scoundrel? I don't get it.
-Are you hungry? -Is that chayote?
-No, it's cheese. -Then I'll have some.
-Is it goat cheese? -Tofu.
What did we agree on?
-What do I… -Not in the pool!
It's so disgusting.
-Tofu? -Yes, it's delicious.
-It sucks. -No, I love it.
-It's good. -Yeah.
Have I mentioned the trip made me change my diet?
-No. -I'm vegan now.
Vegan?
Yes. I've realized that animals have as much right to life as we do, right?
Wow.
-Guys… -My brother's just so…
Please! Suck my--
I'll order a burger. Who's in?
-I want a burger. -Stop that.
That's amazing! You're vegan!
Honey, I'm just curious. How long is your brother staying?
Honey, stop picking on him.
Come on. Why would I do that?
Because Greg is kind, manly, adventurous, and handsome.
But has he ever scored three goals in a final match at a packed stadium?
-No, he hasn't. -He hasn't.
-You are amazing too. -Am I?
But don't worry. Greg is only staying for a few days.
Just until he finds a house, an apartment or a studio.
-We're not doing it. -I was just adjusting it.
Honey, you won't even notice he's here.
You think so?
Hey!
Brother-in-law, I can't let you use the car tonight.
How come? It’s my car!
Thanks!
Vanessa, can you request a ride for me?
Isn't that a bit too tight?
Come on, Dad!
I'm so good at this, right?
-Family pile! -Family pile!
Come on, everybody!
Who are you looking for?
You scared the crap out of me!
Jesus.
Who is it?
Come on, Michele.
It's me. You can see me.
Yes, I can see you.
What I haven't seen yet is an increase in child support.
What increase, Michele? For God's sake.
Tell Carol I'm here.
Listen, you'll be getting a summons soon.
Shame on you. Falling behind on child support.
Aren't you the chatty Cathy?
First of all, I didn't fall behind. She tries that move every year.
And with all due respect, #RespectSweepers,
#ForACleanCity, #WorkDignifies,
it's none of your business.
Fernandinho, be honest. You're dying to get back with me.
What I want back is the ball with Pele's autograph.
-It just so happens… -It's not yours.
Is this what you want?
That's the one. My ball…
Raise the alimony and you can have it.
I've already raised it five times!
Raise it some more.
Shameful. That's no way to treat a mother.
Lady, why don't you go sweep your…
That other side.
-Honey! That's Daddy's little girl. -Let's go, Dad.
She's so affectionate.
A new disease is leaving doctors in Rio puzzled.
Several people, mostly women,
seem to be lethargic and anemic, with low blood volume.
Luci is one of them.
She started behaving strangely.
We talked to her relatives, who wish to remain anonymous.
Everyone's worried, you know?
-Luci was a-- -Change the channel.
Hi, honey.
-Hey, honey. -You look great.
-Thank you. -What's for dinner?
Frozen vegan food.
-What? -Nothing. That's all we have?
They're not selling very well, and the freezer is full.
If we each have two or three, they'll be gone soon.
Right.
You know what? This just crossed my mind.
The name "Go For It" kinda sucks.
I don't think so. It was Greg's idea.
-I love it. -Oh, it was Greg's idea.
And where is your brother?
He's asleep.
Vanessa, just being honest here.
Your brother only eats and sleeps.
He sleeps all day. He barely sees sunlight.
I think he's allergic to the sun. And he doesn't help around the house.
Fernandinho, forget Greg. You're the one who doesn't help out.
Actually, you'll do the dishes.
-Okay? Bye. -I don't wanna fight.
-I miss your touch. -Me too.
Get over here.
What are you doing, Fernandinho?
I was doing it just like in the movies.
No! This is not a movie. You let my food fall on the floor.
-Pick it up. -But I--
And you do the dishes tonight.
-It's cool when they-- -No, it's not.
-Not cool at all. -Okay.
Ah, you're up!
Wow, you look great!
Thanks.
-Doesn't he look good? -He looks great, right?
Is Uncle Greg looking good?
I'm glad. Those are my clothes.
-They're yours? -Yes.
Do they fit?
-Hey! -No.
They don't really fit.
-Yes, they do. -I'm sorry.
-I'll return them washed and ironed. -No!
There's no need. They don't fit you anymore.
Yes, I want them all back.
-Dad, that's so lame. -Yeah, Dad. For God's sake.
"For God's sake," my ass. Is that my underwear too?
-Fernandinho, relax. -I can't relax.
Don't worry, everything's cool.
Actually, I had an idea.
-A great idea. -What?
-I wanted to do something. -What?
What do you wanna do?
Family pile?
-I'm not a fan. -Family pile.
-Yes, you are. -Someone will get hurt.
Family pile!
-Don't tickle me! -Family pile!
Tickles!
Ouch, that hurts!
-Oh, honey! -I said it was a bad idea! It hurt!
Don't overreact, Fernandinho. It's just a family thing.
I'm bleeding.
What the hell? Are you sick?
Guys, it's all very well, but I gotta go.
The night is calling.
-Sure. -Guess you have money to party.
Yes, my sister gave me some.
Are you giving money to your brother?
The food's ready.
No, explain this situation to me.
My money is going to your brother, is that it?
Jesus.
I can tell personal hygiene is not his forte.
Is that the girl they showed on the news?
Fernandinho!
-Hey now. -Wrong room?
No, not at all.
I smelled something really bad.
Can you smell that? Like a wet skunk or a dead seal.
Take a good whiff.
-Can't you smell that? -I don't smell anything.
You should have that checked.
It smells so bad the hairs in my nose fell out.
Did you take a good look around?
Don't you think there's something wrong with this room?
Now that you mention it, I do.
You, going through his things.
Fernandinho, you need to understand my brother has a dark side.
-You don't say. -He's always been a night person.
Don't judge. You should have more sympathy.
-I am not judging. -Honey?
Get out!
Look what he's done. Let me show you.
He painted the windows black and boarded them up.
Get out!
-Out! -So you can't smell it? Okay.
But it's so weird you can't smell that…
-Fernandinho, what's going on? -Dad!
-Honey? -Dad, what was that noise?
Oh boy.
There's a bat-- Ow, my sciatica!
A bat got into the house. I'm trying to catch it.
-What? A bat in the house? -Yeah.
-That's all? -What? Yes, that was all.
-I'll try to catch it. -Be careful. Don't kill it.
I almost died here.
It helps nature. It's a living being that causes no harm.
Mom, can I stay to see the bat?
No, honey. It helps nature, but it does bite.
I'm about to bite someone.
Ouch. Jesus.
Where are you, you nasty beast?
Oh my God!
You wanna play with me? What the hell!
I'll get you now!
Man…
Damn.
What the fuck!
Jesus Christ! What the hell!
You scared me!
You just got home?
Yeah, I had a tough night.
What's that on your head?
-What, this? -Yeah, on your head.
It's nothing. I hit my head on the garage door.
Right.
Want some garlic bread?
Jeez.
Fine, don't eat it.
I was just being nice. You're the one missing out.
It's great. Garlic bread.
It's delicious. Look.
Nothing else to eat.
Fernandinho, I wanted to thank you for your hospitality.
I didn't know I'd stay for so long.
These things happen.
You come for two days, but stay for two months.
Perfectly normal.
I also wanted to say that I really like you.
-You're my favorite brother-in-law. -I'm the only one.
That's right.
It's like the old saying goes.
You either love or you hate your…
What were you saying? Say it again.
No, nothing. I forgot.
Sorry, I forgot.
My brother-in-law is a vampire.
Fernandinho, tell me.
Are you on drugs again?
What are you saying? I never did drugs in my life.
You were caught doping in the game against Botafogo in 2003.
No, I took cough syrup. It was just cough syrup.
Fernandinho, I understand.
I'm going through a similar problem with my neighbor, Roberval.
Is he a weed-smoking vampire?
None of that. He's a ghost.
Actually, he's here right now.
Say hello. Don't be shy.
Hey, Roberval! Nice to meet you!
-Make fun of me. -Say hi.
-We're having a beer. -Make fun of me.
-Let's go. -Go ahead.
I wanna see that confidence when you actually see a ghost.
-Right. -I believe you.
Don't sneak up on me like that. We were talking about ghosts!
You shouldn't eavesdrop.
-I'm a vampire expert. -No, thank you.
They don't attack their own flesh and blood.
That's great.
They can't be seen in mirrors or photographs.
-Everyone knows that. -There are two kinds.
The scouters prepare for the arrival of the second kind, the alpha vampires.
They're seductive and deceitful!
Whoever finds out always looks like an idiot.
No one will believe you. Only the extremely dumb ones.
-Do you believe me? -Sure. Why?
Never mind.
Only the worst ones turn into bats.
Wait.
-I never told you that-- -Fernandinho, I can help you.
No touching, please. Thanks.
Ameba, maybe we should get a car. We will lose him.
No, just track your car using your phone.
Hold tight. This baby is fast.
Insane.
Let's dance. Come on.
Where is he?
So weird.
What is it, you idiot?
Where are you? I lost you. Only you have the tracking app.
I can't talk now. I'll call you later.
So annoying.
Fernandinho!
Michele, how are you?
-Hey. -What's up?
You can't pay more child support, but you can afford a night out.
What are you doing here? Go away.
Tell me. Running away from the missus?
It's none of your business.
He's hot! I'm going to dance.
No, don't dance with him!
-He's a con artist. -What?
I'll tell you later.
-That handsome guy? -Yes!
-No way. -He's not that handsome.
-He's had work done. -Stop!
-Stop, Fernandinho! -I'll tell you later.
Stop it. Let me go.
I'm sorry, ma'am. Let's go.
Are you insane? It's too late to be jealous.
I'm protecting my daughter's mother.
-Trust me. Michele, go home. -Jesus!
I've paid for your ride already.
That's new. You never pay for anything.
Buddy, take her home safely. I'll give you five stars.
-Go home. Get some rest. -For God's sake.
-What's up, Fernandinho! -God!
I told you this baby was fast. Did you find him?
Ameba, find out how to kick a vampire out.
Actually, it's best if he stays.
What? Are you nuts?
-They don't attack family. -I'm not related to him.
My daughter isn't either.
You're his host. They respect that.
But if he leaves your home, you'll be in danger.
I don't want this damn Batman living under my roof forever.
The only way to kick a vampire out is if everyone sees that he's a vampire.
-You have to expose him. -That's not easy.
Vanessa will never believe me. She's crazy about that brother of hers.
-Is there another way? -Yes.
Why didn't you say so?
-You went on and on… -Just stab him with this.
Into his heart.
Look at that, man!
What is that?
How did he get this coffin?
Man, now I understand why his backpack was so heavy.
He brought a foldable coffin with him.
Help me move this.
Careful.
Take it, come on.
So heavy.
He's even handsome in his sleep.
Why the hell did you say that?
-It slipped out. -Sure.
Focus. Give me that.
-Hurry, the sun's about to set. -Okay, mind the door.
Oh man.
-I can't. -Because he's handsome, right?
Are you gonna keep saying that?
-Why not, then? -Because he's Vanessa's brother.
He's my brother-in-law. He's family.
And he's a human being.
-Hey! -Wake up, Fernandinho!
Think of someone you hate.
I hate you right now for slapping me.
But I don't hate anyone or anything.
Remember he's been in your house for over two months.
He used your clothes and drank all your liquor.
See him like the referee who ruled that goal out in 1997.
-Now you got me going. -There.
That's some crazy reverse psychology.
-I'm pumped now. I'm angry. -Go for it.
-Give it to him. -One.
Two…
-Oh my God! -Let him go!
No!
Let go of him!
What is it?
Are you okay, honey?
Vanessa, we have to talk.
Honey, I'm here for you.
-Are you insane? -You need help, Dad.
-Ameba, help me out. -It's no use.
Ameba, did you see any of that?
No, I didn't. But I believe him and in vampires.
You believe anything.
No, that's not true.
When your father says he didn't mean to miss that goal,
I know he clearly threw the game.
That's what you think of me?
No one would miss that. It was an open goal.
A mosquito flew into my nose. I've said that a million times!
-You're not a real Vasco fan. -I am!
Enough, you two!
That was the worst excuse I've ever heard.
Excuse us, Ameba.
Just admit you went out to party.
But to say my brother is a vampire?
Fine. I have proof.
-Oh, do you? -Don't do that!
I'll show it. Don't interfere.
-I wanna see it. -I'll show it to you.
-Let me see. -This is what your brother was up to.
Look. There.
What's that?
A drunk woman brushing up against the wall.
-Where's Uncle Greg? -Yes, but here he is…
But he was here.
Lenses and mirrors can't capture a vampire's image.
-They can't be filmed or tagged in posts. -You could have said that before.
I need to meditate.
All right. Then answer this.
Why do we never see him during the day?
He's always asleep. Answer me!
Oh, the cat got your tongue?
"Oh my God!" You can't answer that question.
It's fine. I have the answer.
Because he'd die!
Yes! Your brother's kind turns into ash under the sun.
They die.
That's why he always wakes up late and doesn't join us by the pool.
Because he'd die if…
-Morning, family! -Hey, Greg. What's up?
He would… Oh, hey.
How's my awesome bro-in-law?
I had a dream about you last night. You were so stressed out.
But I took good care of you.
Right.
Guys, I think I'm not jet-lagged anymore.
-Namaste, brother. -Namaste, my darling.
I wanna enjoy the pool with the family, with Carol,
and with this kid too.
-Come on. -Yes, sure.
It's such a beautiful day. We are so blessed.
So blessed.
Everything I knew just…
There's nothing here for me.
Hey, shouldn't vampires die in the sun?
He should have died.
-That's strange. -Very strange.
Maybe he's a mutant kind that's immune to sunlight.
Some vampire lineages can have different powers.
-Why didn't you say so? -You didn't ask.
Did I have to ask?
But I think Vanessa kinda took it well.
Honey, I made this for you!
Want some zucchini?
Is it bleeding?
Maybe I'm a vampire too.
Watch out.
Super well.
Shut up. God!
Uncle Greg, your nose is funny.
Brother, I'm so happy you're here.
I think Fernandinho is just jealous.
Thank you, sun…
What's this? Everything okay, Carol?
I'm not feeling well.
I'm going to the bathroom. See you soon.
Hey, sweetie.
Damn it.
Hey, Reinfildo.
Is everything ready?
Yeah?
Great. I found a great place. I'm sure he will like it.
I'll see you soon.
Ameba, we need to talk.
If you wanna get back together, drop it. I'm with someone else.
Are you insane? I broke up with you.
Carol, I know you were crazy about me. No need to deny it.
Quiet. My dad can't find out.
Actually, the world can't find out.
If I could turn back time, I'd shoot myself before kissing you.
What if you went back in time and met yourself, creating a paradox--
Shut up, you big nerd. Listen.
I know Greg is a vampire.
We need to tell the others.
You can try. Vanessa didn't believe me.
Actually, you didn't believe me.
Carol, you can't convince anyone.
It's their power. You only find out by chance.
Then we have to call the police.
They won't believe us.
What are you doing, Dad?
I'm making a cross.
Crosses kill vampires.
Not necessarily. Crosses are like mothballs to cockroaches.
They just scare them away. You must have faith.
-You never go to church, Dad. -What? You're nuts.
-I do go. -When was the last time?
My first communion.
Hey, stop that. I'm a man of faith. You all should know that.
Many of the goals I scored were dedicated to Jesus.
-"This one is for You." -Then say a prayer.
A prayer? A real one?
-Yeah. -Jesus.
We can't hide here forever.
We need to do something to get Greg out of the house.
We need a miracle.
-Dad! -Honey, what the hell!
Uncle Greg is leaving.
A man of faith.
Love you.
-The cab is waiting. -Bye.
I'll miss you.
Don't forget your jacket.
-I got it. -Jacket?
-Are you his grandma now? -Fernandinho.
I'm only joking. Sorry.
Greg, text me your number and address. We all want to visit you.
Speak for yourself.
I'll text them to you.
-Bye! -Bye!
-Our door will always be open. -Never. They'll be locked--
What? Nothing, just kidding.
I already miss him. Let's go in.
-I miss Greg already. -Not at all.
Good night, sweetie.
It was nothing.
-We got rid of him! -Yeah!
Are you serious?
We're just celebrating.
My bad.
Unbelievable.
A vampire is on the loose, and you won't do anything?
Honey, I wanted Uncle Greg gone.
He is gone. My family is safe. That's what I had to do.
You're being a coward.
No.
I put my family first. That's what I have to do.
Like when you threw that match against Flamengo?
Is that what you think of your dad?
Who's to say that when you shot that ball, you didn't put family first too?
I thought you knew me better than that.
Dad, I love you.
But love is not admiration.
I can't look up to someone who only takes shortcuts.
Listen, I did what I had to do.
And you're wrong.
If I miss what we had before…
maybe I'll get over it one day.
VAMPIRES
Good morning, darlings!
You're ignoring me.
Hey, sweetie. Hey. How are you?
I'm taking one.
-Where's everyone? -They're running late.
No one has any consideration for anyone else anymore.
-They must be on their way. -What are you watching?
A Polish movie about the journey of an immigrant vampire
who finds love in unusual places.
That sounds very interesting.
What's going on?
Why is this… What?
Why is it… What?
There you are.
A round of applause for your shameless behavior.
I can tell you were indulging in debauchery. I can see it.
You of all people, Claudionor.
I'm here. We had agreed.
We had teasers to shoot. You were gonna come in early.
You better do it on your own.
You're the star, right?
You can do it by yourself.
Yes, I am a star indeed. A packed stadium screamed my name.
That was back when TV had no screens.
Yes, I am a star. But we host this show.
I do too much already. I don't need you on my case.
-Let me be. -You're scolding us?
That's psychological harassment.
-Why are you getting so close? -We can sue you.
What are you talking about?
I can tell you two are up to no good.
You're giving off a bad vibe, you leeches.
You want my blood, but you won't have it.
-I only want what's fair. -Fernandinho.
-What do you want? -Come here.
Are you suing me too? One second.
We still have to talk. Outrageous.
-What do you want? -Check the video.
What are you doing with my cell phone?
Oh God.
I see.
Guys, I was thinking, and you're right.
I do cross the line sometimes.
People need boundaries. Boundaries! Am I right?
We will help you with the show.
Yes, let's do it.
No can do. The cell phone is dying.
Why are you talking about death?
-You know what? Go home. -Yeah.
-Get some rest. It's for the best. -Yeah.
Talk to Roberval, your ghost neighbor.
-Ghosts don't exist. -They don't.
Stay with your wife. She misses you. Snuggle a bit.
-Go. You can go. -Let's do it.
Get some rest.
That's right. You need some rest.
-I shat my pants. -So did I.
Man, let me tell you.
-Listen, let's put the show on hold. -I agree.
Let's do that. Close the door and have it welded shut.
-Keep everyone out. -I got this.
I'm going home.
Fernandinho?
What the fuck? Is that a bat?
I'm not a bat. Are you okay?
I am. Not sure about you.
Honey, what are you doing here?
I live here.
Forgot about your appointment?
Tonight is not good. I'm too stressed out.
I'm sorry. I can't do it tonight.
That's not what I'm talking about. Read that letter.
Letter?
The hearing with Michele!
Hi.
Homero. How's it going?
I apologize for being late.
I'm having a bad day.
No worries.
Listen, your ex-wife has been waiting for over an hour.
So take it easy.
I'll try. We're good, right? We're cool? I got this.
-Excuse me. -Sure.
Michele, look who's here.
Hey, Michele. How are you?
I'm great, Fernandinho.
Did you go back to the club after I left?
Of course… that's none of your business.
Well, Fernando. I've read the file.
I talked to Michele's lawyer.
We both feel we should reach an understanding.
-I agree. -I disagree.
I think we should reschedule this.
-Can we? -No!
Michele, you've taken everything. I have nothing else to give.
I disagree.
There's still a lot to take.
-Look at that! -Listen.
In these cases, the best thing to do
is try to reach an agreement without a third-party mediator.
Which is me.
Remember that everything can and should be discussed.
Relax. I'll leave you two alone.
Hell no! No, stay here.
Don't go.
-Why? -Because…
My ex-wife is a bloodthirsty vampire.
Fernando, every ex-husband says that.
No, I mean it. Just take a look at her fangs.
-She's a vampire. -Fernando…
Don't see her as your enemy, but as someone that you used to love.
-She means no harm. -Yes, she does. Just look.
Jeez!
Fernando, be an adult.
I'm not letting you bail this time.
I'm locking the door.
No! For the love of God!
Homero! Don't go!
Homero, come back!
Take it easy, Michele.
It's been a quiet day today.
Homero, open the door! Please!
Homero! Stop it!
Go ahead and talk.
Dialog is everything.
No! Take it easy, Michele!
Oh God!
Michele!
I'll pay more child support!
-Do you mean it? -I do!
Yes, my friend.
Give a little.
I want the beach house too.
That's not fair. I bought that after our divorce!
Fine, you can have it!
And I want a new car.
And the pet store.
An apartment in my daughter's name.
-Fucking hell! -And it came cheap.
Yes, it did.
I want everything you have. Everything!
Everything!
And I want justice!
You want justice? Here it is!
Carol, answer the phone! For God's sake!
Answer it!
Hey, Dad. How's it going?
Sweetheart, where are you?
I'm at Mom's, like you said.
No, get out of there! Leave now!
Why?
Uncle Greg!
Sweetheart?
Hello, Carol?
Carol, sweetie.
What are you doing here?
It was such a coincidence.
I met your mother at a club, and we became friends.
-You can't be serious. -I am.
Come inside. We can talk.
I can't. I'm meeting my dad.
And I'm a bit late.
Did I tell you we're throwing a party? A Halloween ball.
-Stay and help us. -I can't. I have to go.
Come inside.
Come on, Carol! Hurry up!
Come, sweetheart!
Quick, get in the car! Come on!
-There. -Drive, Dad!
-Are you okay? Did he do anything to you? -I'm okay, Dad.
How's Mom?
It's not good, sweetheart.
But I'll fix it.
Trust me. I promise.
I wanted to tell you something.
You were right. I was a fool.
I didn't listen, and now this thing is spreading.
We need to join forces and…
Save the family?
No, honey.
Do the right thing.
You're much better than me.
You're the best dad ever.
-I love you. -I love you too.
But I don't know where to start.
We need a plan.
Let's talk to Ameba. Greg said something about a party.
What party?
A ball.
A vampire ball.
Hey, boss. Can you check if everything is all right?
Nice party you're throwing.
Such great production.
What is it going to be? Graduation? Sweet sixteen?
Sorry.
A funeral, right?
All right. That's tough.
Things are… Jesus, another one.
Fuck.
That sucks, boss.
It's cold today, huh? I've got chills.
So cold.
Look! Carol was right.
The vampires will have a party, and with good reason.
Ullah Drax, a powerful Romanian businessman, is in Brazil.
Everyone suspects he's the real Count Dracula.
They suspect? Ullah Drax?
Of course he's Count Dracula.
It's so obvious.
It's obvious for us. People don't know any better.
But he's the alpha vampire!
If we kill Ullah Drax, the others will go back to normal.
We can save Greg!
-Who said I want to? -What about Mom?
Don't ask such hard questions.
Chicão and Claudionor.
And everyone else, Dad.
You're right. I'm sorry. I had a horrible night.
I don't wanna see any vampires. Honestly--
For the love of God! Don't bite! Your daddy loves you!
-Bite Ameba! He's not family. -Stay away!
Don't overreact, honey.
She's just so cute!
-Tell that to my underwear. -That's uncalled for.
What's with the costume?
It's for Halloween. This imported holiday the kids love.
I'd prefer her as Curupira. A national hero, a creature of light.
But she insisted on being a vampire. Go change. The party is tomorrow.
-No, Mom! -Your makeup is vegan.
It's tomorrow?
Here's the plan.
Honey, tell me.
What's that thing you like? "Codplace"?
-Cosplay. -Cosplay, yes.
You could dress us up as vampires.
Yes, I can do that.
Tomorrow night, we'll all be disguised as vampires.
DISGUISE
Vanessa won't suspect anything, because it's Halloween.
In the meantime, we will take care of the equipment.
I'll make stakes.
Ameba, you take care of the rest.
-What rest? -The rest.
Arrows, crucifix and holy water.
VAMPIRE-SLAYING KIT
BONUS! CARVED CROSS
SAME-DAY DELIVERY BUY NOW
You take everything to a church.
BLESSING
We need a priest…
to bless everything, okay?
After that, we'll wait until sunset,
and we'll rendezvous
here.
In our living room.
-Fernandinho, you drew the whole house. -Shut up. Can you draw?
It took me forever to do this. I used up two pens.
We'll strut around like it's just Halloween.
"Halloween, such a cool holiday."
I'll park the car far away from the house.
Genius.
Don't interrupt.
Then, we will move
towards Michele's house.
-When we get there… -We kill Drax!
Shut up. That was my moment.
We will kill…
Ullah Drax.
-Yeah! -Oh, such a nerd.
-Hi, Dad. -Hi, sweetie.
She ruined our disguise.
I love your costumes. Honey, you look amazing!
I made it myself, honey.
-You look just like Hebe. -No…
Aren't you coming?
No, I'm going with them. I can't leave them alone.
You know, teenagers.
-Okay. -I'll see you later.
-We want vegan candy. -Do I really look like Hebe?
Hurry up, Dad!
This costume keeps riding up my ass.
Look at this guy!
Dude, that's sick!
Hey, mister. I love your nun costume.
No, this is not…
-That's so scary. -It's wild.
Honey, didn't you have a worse costume to give me?
Dad, don't complain.
Ameba, do you have everything?
Right here. Balloons with holy water, arrows, cross, and stakes.
-Good. -And the crossbow?
Oh boy.
How stupid can one be?
Well, well, well.
What a perfect night to drink some blood.
To have a little chat…
You're not up for it?
Did you have everything blessed?
Yes, everything's ready.
Pick that up. Come on.
Don't make the sign of the cross. You'll expose us!
-Don't step on my costume. -Okay.
Avoid bumping into people we know.
Holy crap! What has my mother done to her house?
I can't believe it!
I love your hair!
-So close. -I know. Mom didn't recognize you.
That leaves scars. Daddy will pay for therapy.
Listen, we need to find the big boss.
-I don't see him anywhere. -Me neither.
-I see it. -Who?
Not "who," but "what."
My ball with Pele's autograph.
I'm taking that ball with me tonight.
Dad, it's not the time for that.
That ball is very important to me.
It's from when he played for Vasco.
Carol is right, man.
I can't understand a word.
Carol is right. This is not the time for that.
Do you hear yourself? Come on, kid.
What do we do now?
I think we'd better split up.
Yes. Good idea, sweetie.
What part of "split up" don't you understand?
Hey. How's it going?
I'm sorry. I don't have any change.
Holy shit.
I think that's a cyst. You can have that removed.
He asked if you'd like some blood.
Yeah, okay.
-Is it red? -Yes.
-All blood is red. -Interesting.
I'd say yes, but not tonight. I'm on a very strict diet.
It's my gallbladder.
I had never seen a vampire refuse blood.
It's just that…
We've got an audience.
Fine, I'll start the diet on Monday. No problem.
-I'll-- -Drink it.
Yes, I'll drink it.
What type is it? Is it AB positive?
It's thick. If you look closely, it's thick.
-All good, though. -Drink it.
Yes, I'll drink it.
The type…
So good.
So good. Oh, just so good.
It's got a slight hemoglobin flavor.
I could tell.
And a cholesterol aftertaste.
Very good indeed.
But I'll just have that one glass.
You never know what could happen.
It went straight through me. I hadn't had any in a long time.
Every time this happens, I have to…
If you'll excuse me.
You should get that checked. Excuse me, Mr. Speak-a-Lot.
Hello. How are you?
Hey. You're tall.
Little Red Riding Hood, hello.
Where are you going, handsome?
I was just walking around…
-How are you? -Just fine.
-I love your outfit. -I'm glad you like it.
I bought it at an outlet store in Transylvania, you know?
I love Transylvania.
-I'm from there. -You are?
Holy crap, I'm spinning.
Pervert!
You really got me there.
I like that jam.
That's my jam.
It's your lucky day
I get close to suck that neck
-Suck -Suck that neck
We're getting the party going in my coffin
She is ready with a glass in her hand
She looks good and ready for blood
So tasty!
Vampi, vampi, vampire
-Come on -She's ready to party
It's your lucky day
Silence, please.
-My guest has something to say. -Thank you, my queen.
Friends, I'd like a moment of your attention.
Today is a special day.
We are celebrating the honor of welcoming
our great leader.
Ullah Drax,
better known as Count Dracula!
Look.
My subjects.
Friends.
My army.
This is a very important moment for all of us.
The lands of the North with their cold nights
have already been conquered.
Half the world is ours.
But the sunny lands of the South,
where it's warm…
We're only taking our first steps.
We still have a lot to do here.
You are only
the beginning of a new civilization,
of a new race!
We must understand we have many enemies around us.
None of us is safe from being attacked
or killed by some mortal.
But I assure you, as long as I'm alive,
all of you will live.
-Greg? -Here, master.
You were vital in this conquest.
Without you, none of this would be possible.
Thank you, master.
I'm very happy with your work.
I have a surprise for you.
I know you could never bring yourself to turn your sister and your niece.
I'm sorry.
This is awesome!
But I will not let you enjoy eternal life without them.
It's so dusty up here.
A dust mite party. I forgot my antihistamines.
Brother!
Your boss insisted that we came.
He is right behind me. I'm a married woman.
Oh boy. That's close.
Guys, amazing production. The party looks great!
Wait. Is that Michele? She looks different.
What's that salad-eater doing in my house?
Here we go.
The pasty white bitch. So pale.
Did you get fillers? That face looks like a war zone.
I look better, right?
A toast…
to conquering a new continent!
Long live Drax!
-My baby girl. -I know what this is. It's indigestion.
Meat takes eight hours to be digested.
-This is what happens. -We'll be the digested ones.
-Vanessa! -Fernando? What are you doing here?
Honey, I'm saving the world from an invasion of vampires!
-That story again? -It's not a story.
We'd better leave.
Who are you?
-What's happening, Ameba? -I don't know.
-What's happening? -I just asked that.
-Uncle Greg! -Oh, my brother!
What's going on, Greg?
Vanessa!
Stay, Vanessa.
Don't let our guests escape.
Our should I say…
our main course?
I'm not getting a good vibe from you.
I'm not into this game. Count me out.
It's not a game.
Help me.
This way.
Hey, Ameba?
My cross is not working. It's broken.
We have holy water! You hear me?
And it's wet!
-Water is wet! What are you saying? -I didn't know what to say.
-Bring them to me. -Yeah?
That's not holy water. I'd feel it from afar.
All right, we'll see. Die!
-Die! -Die!
Die!
-Die! -Die!
-Die, sucker! -Ameba, why aren't they dying?
-They should be dying. -They should.
-Why aren't they? -I don't know!
Get those idiots.
Run, Ameba!
Dad, come on!
-Hold the door, Vanessa! -Help me!
-Get something to hit them! -Go on, hit them!
What's going on, Fernandinho?
-You still don't understand, Vanessa? -No.
-Dad was right. Uncle Greg is a vampire. -That's so cool!
Greg is vegan! He wouldn't drink blood.
He's not vegan, Vanessa! Your brother is an evil creature!
He's a bloodsucking vampire!
Stop defending your brother, Vanessa!
Oh God!
He fooled me all this time. Help me!
-Jesus. Hold this. -Dad, we need to get out of here.
The door won't hold for much longer.
What can we do? We don't have weapons!
-Yes, we do. -Where?
They don't work, kiddo!
-You had them blessed? -I went to a church!
-Which church? -Doesn't matter. It's all the same.
It does matter. It had to be a Catholic Apostolic church.
-With a priest. -Oh.
-With a priest? -Yes!
Which church was it?
A cool church. It looked like a mall. "God is Great".
You didn't go to "God is Great."
It's Oliveira's church. We played together.
I went to another one, but it was closed.
-You're so useless. I'll feed you to them. -Sorry!
Sorry, my ass! Get your butt over here.
-Jesus! -It's not the time. We need to get out!
-There's no way out! -I know what to do!
The book also says that if the arrows and water are not blessed,
they could be anointed with the blood of a virgin.
Problem solved!
-Get over here, Carol. Give me your hand. -Save the world.
Give me your hand. I know you don't like blood.
-Come on, Carol. -It's not the time for that.
-Give me your hand. -I'm not a virgin.
Calm down, Fernandinho!
Jesus Lord!
I'm gonna throw up!
-It was you. -No!
-It was you. -We were never together.
Guys, listen.
I'm a virgin.
-Wow. -Really?
He said that… God, you're a virgin!
-You lied to me. -Only you can lie?
-Never mind. We can use my blood. -All right.
-Find a vein. -You moron!
It has to be a girl!
-Man's blood won't work. -That's right.
I confessed for nothing!
A gratuitous exposure. I'll tell everyone.
-Be careful, dear. -We will die!
-Ameba! -We'll die!
Let's all hug to die together. Except Ameba.
-Wait! -What?
There is a virgin among us.
Monica!
I thought I was a Leo.
I don't wanna hear it.
Hold the door!
-I'm trying! -Hold the door!
Master, I…
I apologize for the commotion.
No apologies necessary, Greg.
You only made everything a bit more fun around here.
They'll soon be dead.
-But they're my family. -They used to be.
This is your family now,
Gregorius.
-Does it hurt, sweetie? -Not at all.
-My girl is so brave! -She is.
Listen up, everyone! Everyone behind me. Ameba, the stakes.
-Let's go! -Come on!
-Go! -Come on, Ameba!
-Go! -Be careful!
Stay behind me. Ameba, open the door.
No one can stop me now!
Get out of the way, bloodsuckers!
-Hurry up! -I'm trying.
Go, honey.
Come on!
-Go, Dad! -Come on!
Oh God!
Ameba!
Please!
-Carol! -Go, Carol!
-Are you okay? -Yeah.
-Careful. -Damn!
-Come on, guys. -Go.
When you get outside, run!
Honey, protect our baby girl. Ameba and I will take care of this.
-It will be fine. -Okay.
-You're amazing. -I am?
-Better than your brother? -Much better.
Take care. Careful, Ameba!
Be careful, go. Come on, Ameba.
-Greg? -Did you miss me?
No, Greg!
You got Vanessa into this.
She was safe, you idiot!
-Wait, honey. -Come on, Mom!
Hold on! Mom's wearing heels!
-Maybe we can use that van! -Get in!
Get in!
Get in, Carol! Close the door!
-Where are the keys? -Hurry up, Vanessa!
Come on!
-Who's that? -That's my mom!
-I never really liked her. -She kinda knew.
You brought all those vampires here!
What did my sister see in you?
We don't choose our in-laws.
But we can get rid of them.
We are family!
No, a brother-in-law is not a relative!
-Fernandinho! -Run, Ameba!
He is a real Vasco fan.
This is for Vasco!
-Drive, Mom! -I don't have the keys!
Start the car!
How? I don't have the keys!
Hot-wire the car!
It's not the cross that keeps us away.
But the faith you have in it.
But faith alone
is not always enough.
Don't give me that. You're afraid of this cross.
That's true, but I don't need to get near you,
or anyone, to kill them.
Did you see that?
Is he a vampire or a Jedi? Damn!
Where did she go?
Look who's here.
You don't understand.
You can't resist us.
We will conquer the Southern lands. It's only a matter of time.
Now I'm really screwed.
Killing you will be delicious.
He turned into a bat. Oh God.
Holy crap!
Ameba!
Oh my God!
The ball is yours, Fernandinho!
I swallowed a vampire!
I swallowed a vampire. Gross!
I think that was his ass.
Man, that was your best goal!
It's for Vasco, Ameba! Yeah!
Fernandinho, where am I?
Homero!
Are you back to normal?
Come, sweetie.
Careful. Stay near me.
Get me out of here!
-Who locked me in here? -Careful, Carol!
What's going on?
-They did it! -Thank God!
Mom, I'm so happy you're back!
From where?
How did I get here?
Yeah, it's a long story. I'll tell you later.
I'll stop by your office, okay?
Go. The exit is that way.
-Man… -Fernando?
Hold on!
Hey. Oh God.
-Jesus, Fernandinho. -What?
-What are you doing here? -What am I…
Actually…
-What is this place? -You are…
-What? -Everything okay? Look at the cross.
-I like it. -Are you…
Is everything okay? Are you back to normal?
I feel strange. I missed you.
I really did. You know I like you. You have a place in my heart.
The same old pain in the ass.
I mean it, Fernandinho. You're the brother I never had.
-That's too much. -Can I stay with you for a few days?
What a pain in the ass. He could easily go to a hotel.
-Thank God you're okay. -I'm okay, honey.
-Uncle Greg! -Hi!
It's so good to have you back!
Hey, I'm the vampire slayer here!
I slayed the vampire! Let me make that very clear!
Fernandinho, easy.
-I appreciate it. -Good.
Give me a kiss. No, no kisses.
-My hero! -I'm a poodle now.
It's great to see you. I missed you so much for some reason.
-Pain in the ass. -Family is everything.
-Let's talk for a sec. -Uncle Greg!
Who did this tacky decoration in my house?
You did, Mom.
Who broke my window?
That was me. I was saving the world…
I don't have to explain myself.
You know what I miss the most?
-What? -I miss it so much.
-Family pile! -Oh no!
We talked about this!
-Crap! -Tickles!
Don't tickle me!
Oh God!
Friends, that's all for today.
But before we go, do you have a message for our viewers?
They would love to hear from Zico.
Fernandinho, it's been great.
I'd like to take this opportunity to say something really important.
You were accused of throwing a match and missing that goal.
-These things happen. -Yeah.
I've witnessed your growth. I know you're a good man.
Many people say you threw that match
and missed an easy goal, but you didn't.
I trust you completely.
You were never a backstabber, as they say.
Keep up the good work, man.
I wanted to tell everyone what I think of you.
Zico…
You have no idea what I go through.
Man, I needed this.
They say I'm a backstabber.
-I'm not. -You are not.
Stop recording.
That was such an amazing interview.
-You look awful when you cry. -Yes, you big crybaby.
That's uncalled for.
Sorry, Mr. Fernando.
Why the formality?
Carol asked me to.
Hot plate, coming through.
-Look what we have. -Honey, that's meat!
Yes, I made an exception.
You deserve it.
-Get over here. -Don't do that.
It has to work sometime.
What a beautiful shirt you're wearing!
Yeah, I couldn't find my Ravengoroki T-shirt.
Really? I wonder where that could be.
Welcome to the family.
-So lame, Dad. -Thanks.
Oh, come on. You do the dishes tonight, kiddo.
Honey, can you answer the door?
Yes, sure.
-Hello. -It's my father-in-law!
It's been a while!
Can I stay with you for a few days?
How's my Vanessa?
It's like a homeless family.
She's fine, thank you.
What the heck?
The weather in Rio de Janeiro is not good for me.
So cold!
Come in. Make yourself at home.
Excuse me.
It's your dad, Vanessa.
My dad? What a nice surprise!
Yes, great.