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- [singers vocalising] - [singer clearing throat]
[narrator] Okay. Everybody ready?
- Yeah. - Yes.
[narrator] One, two, three.
[singers vocalising]
[narrator] Ah! Look, it's life,
and what a young life you are, insanely young, minus one.
In fact, if you can hear me, can I ask you a question?
- [man] Yeah. - [narrator] Okay.
Do you know that you're about to be born?
- [man] Yeah. - [narrator] Oh, right.
Well, are you nervous, then, about what's going to happen in life?
- [man] Yeah. - [narrator] Of course you are.
Well, why don't we leave this one to us then?
♪ Listen, yes, that's it ♪
[clears throat]
♪ Listen, we understand how you're feeling But you got it all wrong ♪
♪ Life is really nice ♪
♪ And I ain't no goddamn salesman But I wanna sell you on it ♪
♪ So strap into your womb baby... ♪
...as we go on a journey through different lives.
[captivating music playing]
From the moment you're born... [chuckles] you just spend so much time having fun.
You know, you don't even realise that while you're having this fun,
you are learning.
- [man muttering] - [laughing]
What's this?
Oh, I want everyone to think you've done a watery shit, man.
[narrator] You're learning, and growing, and laughing, and being,
and becoming your very best self,
so that by the time you emerge into your teenage, butterfly form,
you're ready and you're beautiful.
Guess how much money Brad Pitt has?
Oh, don't...
What? I bet it's millions.
- A hundred billion. - No.
Hmm.
Who's Babbit?
Brad Pitt.
Oh.
Have you seen Cressy from school got a tattoo of a jacket on her head?
A jacket, yeah?
- So nice. - Yeah.
Oh, it's--
No, it's not a jacket. It's like a cross, like a Jesus cross.
- Jesus cross, yeah? That's so nice. - Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
Mum? Can you send us up a pesto pasta, please?
- Sweet chili on mine. - Sweet chili on Chesha's. And on mine.
Mum, please.
Can you send us up a drink upstairs? I can't come down. I'm too thirsty.
Yeah. Can you send us up... Yeah, just a drink.
No, no, no, not water. Not water.
Yeah, fudge drink.
- Lexi. - Yeah, all right.
- Why is your mum tweeting about us? - What?
- My mum? - Yeah.
- What, on Twitter? - Yeah, listen.
"There's a problem with my son's generation."
"Him and his girlfriend have been rotting in bed all summer."
"I don't hear them laughing or enjoying themselves."
- I'm cra-- I'm cracking up 24/7. - Yeah, me too. Me too.
"I read a study saying this generation of teens
are having less sex than any generation of teens in history."
What? "My son is definitely proof of this."
What?
[gasps]
Is she trying to stress me out?
Mum!
You tweet... You tweeted! Yeah?
[Chesha gasps]
[clicks tongue] My God, Mum! Why are you doing that? Oh!
Like, is it embarrassing that we haven't had sex?
- I can't be arsed. - I can't be arsed.
Like, I don't wanna be doing, like, retro stuff, do you know what I mean?
I swear it's retro to be doing that. I'm busy doing, like, actual modern stuff.
[Chesha] Ugh!
Oh, my God, someone's written, "These two are frigid donkeys."
Someone's just tweeted that! Ugh!
You all right?
[clicks tongue] Ugh! Ugh!
- You all right? - [sighs]
Right. Lexi, we're doing it. We're having sex. Take your trousers off.
What? Oh, no, please, I can't be bothered.
I can't be bothered!
Like, everyone is now shitting on us online,
and I'm the one who's trying to protect our socials,
so just, like, take your trousers off and put your phone down!
[music playing faintly]
- Now! - All right!
You shouted at me for ages!
- Come on! - Peer pressuring me.
You're supposed to get me in the mood.
- You're making it worse. - It's an emotional moment.
- It's why we're acting like this. - Don't like it.
- I don't want to do it. - What's the point?
[Lexi breathing heavily]
I literally don't know what I'm doing.
[instrumental music playing]
♪ How do I know if my penis is ready? ♪
♪ Just don't look at my bum ♪
♪ I think I wiped it But I can't be certain ♪
♪ Are we supposed to smile or something To get in the mood? ♪
♪ I'd rather not, I got a headache ♪
♪ And I'm not attracted To the way you look ♪
♪ You know I'm not sure it's gonna work ♪
- ♪ 'Cause we're soft and dry ♪ - ♪ 'Cause we're soft and dry ♪
♪ How we gonna get it inside? ♪
♪ Why don't you press it Against my bits and pieces ♪
♪ And imagine that my hair looks nice ♪
- ♪ But I'm still soft ♪ - ♪ I'm dry ♪
- ♪ Shouldn't it feel more nice? ♪ - ♪ What's it like? ♪
♪ How do I describe? ♪
It's like I'm trying to push a poo into a clamp, all right?
♪ Yo, it's your mum's boyfriend What's going on? ♪
♪ You trying to have sex But it's going wrong? ♪
♪ Don't fret, there is a hope ♪
♪ Me and your mum Started using this Turkish soap ♪
♪ On the website It's listed as Turkish oil ♪
♪ But what kind of oil comes in bar form? It's a soap, no doubt ♪
♪ Their website's just dated and I think ♪
♪ The guy who started The business is jaded ♪
♪ I love it so much, I invested ♪
♪ I'm now a partner At Turkish Soap Ventures ♪
♪ But everyone I sold it to detests it ♪
♪ They say you can't Get it off your skin ♪
- You cannot get it off your skin. - What the fuck are you doing in here?
Telling us about your business. I didn't know my mum had a boyfriend.
My bad.
- Damn. - What?
Elderly people need to shut up! Got me feeling things.
I hate feeling things! Do you know what I mean?
My heartbeat's going, I'm feeling hot. I hate it.
Yeah, you are really hot...
[sniffs] ...and you stink of BO.
Yeah. You stink too, actually. You reek.
I actually really like the way you smelt under the blanket.
I don't know why, but I liked the way you smelt under the blanket too.
♪ Wait, yeah My dick feels like a magnet ♪
♪ Is there metal in vaginas 'cause... ♪
- ♪ Something's attracting ♪ - ♪ Is this really happening? ♪
- ♪ We're no longer soft and dry ♪ - ♪ We're no longer soft and dry ♪
Ow! Ow!
[groaning] Ow!
- That is a mental feeling. - Yeah.
- [sighs] - [sniffles]
- Quite nice though. [sniffles] - Yeah.
[both exhale]
Would you do that again?
[sighs] No.
- [telephone ringing] - [indistinct chatter]
Morning, everyone.
Oh, God. I've got my bag caught on the door.
Oh, hello! I heard we had someone new coming in. How are ya?
[chuckles] You all right? First day?
- First job. - First job, look at that.
Keep your wits about you. Nothing's ever the same here.
Hello, Simon.
Hello. Morning, Tom. You all right?
Oh, Christ. I got my bag caught on the door.
[chuckles]
[sighs] Hello, Simon.
Hello. Morning, Tom. You all right?
[screams]
Christ, I got my bag caught on the door.
[laughing]
Once in a lifetime. Hello, Simon.
Hello. Morning, Tom. You all right?
[laughing] My bag's caught on the door.
I've gotta tell-- I've gotta tell Simon. Simon!
Hello. Morning, Tom. You all right?
[sighs]
Hello, Simon.
Hello. Morning, Tom. You all right?
I can't.
[exhales] Shit, I've just got my bag caught on the door.
[laughing]
Hello, Simon.
- [speaking indistinctly] - Hello! Good morning, Tom. You all right?
Morning, Tom. You all right?
- You all right? - Would you believe it?
Hello. Morning, Tom. You all right?
Ugh! I left my bag at home.
Hello, Simon.
[singers vocalising]
[narrator] Oh, there's all that to come,
bags and doors and Simon. [chuckles]
But work only makes up about 70% of your time,
that precious 30% that's all yours, that's where the real magic happens.
Connection, commitment, socialising.
Those are the pillars of the spiciest bit of life, adult life.
[male singer vocalising]
- ♪ Everyone changes ♪ - ♪ Everyone changes ♪
- ♪ At different paces ♪ - ♪ At different paces ♪
♪ But at 27, make sure You've changed a bit ♪
Well, it completely depends on whether she can still go part-time.
- Er, yeah. - If she can--
- I'd love to see her. - You must.
- Hey. - [man] Here we go.
- Happy birthday! How are you? - Hello. Yeah.
Oh, my goodness me.
So... do you want us to shout "stag" at you today, Freddy?
I think just Fred at the normal volume will be fine. Yeah.
Sorry, is it okay that I'm genuinely really enjoying quietly looking around
at friends and thinking about how much I like them? [chuckles]
- Yeah. - Is that a good stag?
Perfect. I mean, lovely pub, lovely, well-dressed boys.
[laughter]
Er, I think I know everyone here except, erm...
- Who is your best man, is it Kieran? - Er, Kieran, yeah.
Erm... Yeah, lovely lad. He, erm... He got me through uni actually.
Mmm-hmm.
He's a bit worried about getting the best man stuff right,
- but he's one-- - Right, form a perfect horseshoe now.
Come on, you reprobates. Perfect horseshoe, now.
Make sure it's tight so it traps the sound.
Right. Hello, you [hesitating] fucking cocks.
Ooh.
Okay, I want all ears focused exclusively on my ass... listening to me, okay? Right.
First red card. If I see a single one of you
without a drop of booze in your hand throughout the day,
you're seeing off a Guinness, and that's the end of the fucking story,
- okay? - [chuckles]
[music playing softly on speakers]
Kiero... [laughing]
Erm...
For those of you who haven't met him yet, this is my best man, Kieran...
Hodgedale.
Kieran Hodgedale, thank you for arranging this.
- Yes. - Right.
Thank you, Fred, you fucking cock.
Oh. Hey.
That's the last time you'll thank me, trust me.
This is gonna be the worst day of this little dickhead's whole life.
Why?
Hmm.
Er, maybe because what I have planned is complete carnage. Come on, man.
And speaking of men, let me remind you, that, yes, we are men,
and if I catch a single one of you not thinking about women's breasts
throughout the day, at any point,
if I spot that, you're seeing off a Guinness straight away.
There'll be no pause. It'll be in your mouth and down your gullet.
[sobbing] I don't fucking care.
[sniffles]
Are you all right? Is everything okay?
Yeah. You all right? How's your buttons?
- Watch out. - [Kieran] Just please let me.
- What are you doing? - Give me one second.
[laughing]
Did you see that?
He was going for a three-buttoned thing, and I undid the top one.
All right. Good stuff.
- It looks good undone. - Really?
- I'll keep it then. - Yeah.
It's not stag to compliment your mate's clothes.
If something feels like the quality of a stag, don't shut it down,
- just let it breathe. - Okay, that's cool.
[laughing nervously] Just, let's calm it down a little bit.
Ooh! Classic Fred. "I don't want someone screaming at my mates on my stag do."
"I want to have a nice time."
- Well, no. I'm not saying that. - But why are you not saying that?
Come on, Kieran, why don't you tell everyone what you've got planned today,
- for the big day. - [screaming] Fuck off!
- What is he doing? - What is this?
- Mate. - What do you want?
I haven't heard a single one of them at any point through all of this going...
[exclaims] That was the whole point of the speech!
What's happening? Fred, what's happening to him?
Is he like... Is he drunk or something?
[Kieran crying]
Er, no, he doesn't drink.
Erm... Just talk amongst yourselves.
Hey, you okay, man?
Erm... Ahem. I was just thinking, you know,
everyone here thinks you are absolutely brilliant.
[Kieran] Fuck off, you bastard.
[voice breaking] I'm just ripping shit up and chilling for a minute.
- Your mates are dickheads. - Hey, come on, you prick. [laughs]
Come and tell them what plans you've got for the day, eh?
- Why weren't you swearing over there? - I can swear if you want.
Please, can everyone swear a bit more?
Right, this prick is gonna tell us, erm, what the plans are for the day,
so let's hear him out, shall we?
[sniffles]
- Yeah, guys? - Okay.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Okay, right. So, first up, I hope you all like pork
because we're gonna be kicking off the day by all having a lovely pork pie, yeah?
Sounds nice, yeah? Well, it's not gonna be, 'cause, oh, dear,
whoever picks out the smallest pork pie is seeing off a Guinness,
and then they have to shit themselves in their trousers.
What?
"Have to... have to shit themselves"?
[sighs]
Cool, and then... and then what's after that?
[sobbing] Your reaction's so horrible, man!
No, we love it, don't we? Yeah. Everyone's up for it, yeah.
In fact, guys, shall we get the pies?
- Yeah. - Yeah? All right.
- Let's do the pies first? - [Kieran] Okay.
I'm gonna stand with a bag,
- and you take... - Okay, guys, take out a pork pie each,
and whoever's got the smallest pie at the end has to...
- Yeah... has to do a poo. - Yeah, and then see off a Guinness.
- And then see off a Guinness. - All right.
Here's mine.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Kieran.
About what?
I love this stuff!
Right, I'm gonna lay one down.
- Now? You're gonna do it now? - Can I grip your shoulder?
- [Fred] Yeah. - Nah, man.
Make sure your friends look.
I feel like they're just turning away.
Erm, guys, watch this if you can.
[Kieran breathing heavily]
[Kieran grunts]
- Fred? - [Fred] He's almost done.
[grunting]
- Yeah. - Done?
Small bit. You nutters.
- Give him a Guinness and then-- - Yep.
- Yeah, can someone cheer or something? - Yes!
[scattered cheers, applause]
- [man] Well done. - Thank you.
- Really well done. - So, part two.
[sniffles] This is my first ever Guinness.
Yay. Cheers, everyone.
I can't believe what that tastes like.
Have you had one of these?
Yeah, I expected it to be a lot sweeter, like butterscotch.
[captivating music playing on TV]
[man on TV] Our coverage of the royal wedding continues
with Peter Ring covering today's wonderful festivities.
[sweeping choral music playing]
Peter Ring here, covering today's festivities.
Droves of people have been coming down in droves
to celebrate what is sure to be the most wonderful day so far
that the world has managed to have.
The royal wedding is happening right now.
We can't see it from out here, but one thing's for sure.
It's happening. The couple are both 31, and it's all completely brilliant.
The atmosphere out here is about as wonderful as it gets.
I've been talking to this upbeat family about just how wonderful it all is.
Bav Davison, just how wonderful is it?
Well, I've got to say, I was just saying this as well to my family and nieces.
It's been a wonderful day. The atmosphere is absolutely brilliant.
Best day of my life. Best marriage.
What a day. And what a fantastic day, as well.
[laughs] Well, that's wonderful to hear. And well said.
This is it. There's no other way to say it. We're having such a top time.
And what is it you think will be particularly special about this marriage?
Oh... They've just got everything. They're such an exceptional couple.
And I can't wait to get a closer look at them
and then to say some very positive stuff about them.
Yeah? What stuff will you say?
Erm, I might say, oh, you know, their eyes lit up the sky, something like that.
Ha! I think we're all looking forward to hearing her say that. [chuckles]
Er, I said earlier that people were coming down in their droves.
- Have they, really? - Yes.
Yeah. I think it's understandable. Because for me, it's such an amazing day
that I would come down in my droves if it meant being a part of the day.
That's amazing. Enjoy your day. Let's have a lick of ice cream and I'll be on my way.
Mmm! [laughs]
All right.
Can I ask, is all this just for a wedding?
- What's everyone celebrating? - Shut up.
Shut up! Don't ask horrid questions, you awful girl! Off!
Mmm.
Oh! Bit of cardio to work off that cream.
Right, where are we? Peter Ring here... Erm, hello. You got down here quickly.
Oh. No, I'm a different person. But it has been an exquisite day
and the atmosphere here is wonderful.
- Amazing, isn't it? - Yeah, it is amazing.
I should know, because I got married last week, and my wedding wasn't amazing.
- Really, was it not? - It was nothing.
It didn't bring all the country together. It didn't feel pleasant or brilliant.
No one came in their droves. It was nothing.
- Nothing at all? - Nothing.
Nothing whatsoever. And that kind of sums up the feeling here today.
A feeling of elation. A feeling of reverence and a sense of community.
And a sense that until today, literally nothing of worth has happened.
I'm getting word.
They both said "I do." It's happening. They got married! They've done it!
They'll be together forever!
- Let's get in there. - [screaming]
- [rousing music playing] - Let's get in among you all.
- [all cheering] - We love it!
Look at this guy!
[crowd clamouring]
This is history!
This is marriage! This is wonderful!
It's only right...
He's done the best thing he'll ever do!
Let's kill him! He's got nothing more to give.
Give me that!
Don't hog that cream!
Mmm!
- [woman cheering] - It's all wonderful.
I love it!
With everybody in the world looking.
This is marriage! This is commitment!
[crowd clamouring on TV]
[pleasant instrumental music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
It ain't gonna be... I mean, look at them.
[laughing]
Hey, guys. Don't be too damn awesome.
You'll make me want to quit my job and play with you full-time!
Bit of fun.
Am I just loved up, or does it seem like our kids are actually funny?
Not just 'cause they're ours.
Yeah. They're, like, actually funny.
- [sighs] - [both laugh]
Yeah, they're so funny.
You guys have such lovely rapport with them. It's amazing.
- We're still working on it with our Nick. - [woman 1] Oh. Yeah.
No, I get on with Nick. I'm a good dad.
No offence, Geoff, but I think it's fair to say these two are on another level.
- [woman 1] That's so sweet. - [man 1] No competition.
We all have our own journey with it.
I'm always happy to talk to little Nick if he's struggling.
Aaron and Nick actually have a pretty great thing going.
Have you noticed that? [in cowboy accent] Best buds.
- [laughter] - Just this little cowboy voice.
- [Aaron] I don't know. - Geoff, no.
[Aaron] Okay, here's one. Parent Advice Zone, please.
Er, your son comes into your room at 3:00 a.m.
saying he dreamed you were flying away from him and he couldn't reach you.
- Mmm. - How do you comfort him? Geoff?
Er...
Er, I don't let him in my room.
I don't like spending time with him after 4:00 p.m.
- [woman 1] Aw! - 3:00, 4:00.
That is such a shame.
We prefer to be very attached. That's quite disconnected.
- [woman 2] Geoff, don't! - [Geoff] Hey!
[man 2] Embarrassing. [laughs]
When Bo doesn't come and wake me up in my room. I go in his room and get him.
- Oh! - Do you?
- I love to. Stop that, Geoff. - [woman 1] Bless...
[Aaron] Er... Oh.
- Chatter machine deactivate, the BBQ bits. - Here he goes.
[chuckles] I hope you like your veg the wellest of done-shire.
"Wellest of done-shire." He's so funny.
How do they think of these things?
Please, Geoff.
If you strangle people, you could really kill them.
All right, yeah.
Actually, look at that. They're perfectly done!
[cheering]
- Any burgers and chips? - What's that?
- Any burgers and chips? - Oh! This is a flesh-free zone, actually.
We are peas, trees, and planty McGees.
We want the kids to grow up with a leafy conscience.
Yum!
I feed my kid a big nugget every night.
- It's big. - [man 2] The grub smells gorgeous.
- How do you get veg to smell so good? - [laughing]
Good Q. Well, like I say to my kids,
just intro Olly and Sally to the courgette of honour.
And I'll let you do the honours.
Oh! Careful there, Geoff. Whoops!
[woman 1] Look, please do eat as much as you can,
I'll be up all night gobbling otherwise. Yeah...
I notice you keep trying to strangle me.
You keep doing that, Geoff, your kids will think you're weird.
Bad dadding, mate.
Oh, deary me.
Right, you veg hogs!
[Geoff groans]
[tense music playing]
♪ What's happened here has made me feel Like they don't think I'm amazing ♪
[imperceptible]
♪ They're really nice and they're yet To imply that I'm similar to them ♪
♪ Despite my lack of proof I am the best out of the group ♪
♪ And they refuse to admit it is true ♪
♪ And that makes me doubt That I am good ♪
♪ So I gotta get 'em ♪
Get us? How do you mean?
I don't know.
What? Like, kill us?
- Yeah, maybe. - God.
Erm, are you okay if I call the police, then?
[sighs]
♪ I've been rumbled, they got me saying ♪
♪ My intentions really near them And to them ♪
He's in the garden. He's saying he's gonna get us.
♪ They'll never get me, you all know it 'Cause I'm the one who gets them ♪
♪ Why can't I just be thick Around my kid and not that invested ♪
♪ While also being seen As an amazing dad? ♪
♪ It would be so convenient ♪
♪ To not have to prove A thing while getting ♪
♪ A pat on the back for it ♪
♪ Ugh, I didn't get him ♪
♪ Oh, we're gonna get him ♪
♪ But I didn't get him ♪
♪ Can I have a burger and chips? ♪
[siren chirps]
♪ You were young once Don't try to be it again ♪
♪ Don't start to think you're dead 'Cause your face is different ♪
Need you down there, Seb. Looking cool, by the way.
Hey, Nick.
New series, new location in Cornwall,
new chicks, new lads, and one hot new twist.
Your breath better not stink of shit, 'cause this is Kiss Villa. [kisses]
[enchanting music playing]
Let's meet the boys and girls looking for tongue time in the sunshine.
You all right? I'm Vin. I'm 20. I call my abs sisters 'cause they keep me strong
and I tell 'em everything.
I'm J-Barb. I'm 39. I'm trouble, I've got stubble,
and I love to kiss above all.
[laughs] Hi, I'm Seb. I'm actually the format creator of Kiss Villa.
I've been trying to get on the show since I came up with it.
[laughs]
Hi, I'm Hugo. I'm 6'1".
I'm 6'1".
[upbeat music playing]
[Vin] Best night of my life?
This one evening, yeah, I kissed a different girl every 15 seconds.
That was a special night that. [chuckles]
[Seb] Let's just say I'm a kiss enthusiast.
I just think kissing is completely brilliant.
[J-Barb] Oh, God, my best feature?
I'd probably have to say my gums. I had serious problems with them growing up
'cause I ate too much brown sauce, so I had to keep my kissing small.
But I had 'em scraped pre-Villa, so yeah.
Looking forward to much bigger kisses.
Mwah! [chuckles]
Four sets of laddie lips in need of a kissy fix.
- Get down here. - [J-Barb] Fucking hell.
- What you thinking? - Get that, man.
- How you doing? - It smells beautiful.
- [J-Barb] Flowers in bloom. - Oh, my God, man.
- You see that house? - How are we doing? Good?
[J-Barb] Oh, my God, man.
Oh. Look at this pool, man!
Boys, it's great to have you, and you're looking pucker.
- Not looking bad yourself. [laughs] - [Vin] Hey.
Speaking of pucker, here come the girls you might want to kiss.
[enchanting music playing]
I'm Georgina. I'm 21. I used to be a dancer. And these days, I'm a dancer.
I'm Ellin. I design funky coffins.
Erm, I had my tongue piercing removed and the hole just kept getting wider.
[man] Are you all right doing this, Checky?
Sorry, I'm incredibly, erm, full and bunged up.
I'm Nafaf, short for Natalie Fafani. And my last kiss was, well, let's just say
around a certain Brexit referendum.
So, yeah, 20... 2016.
[enchanting music playing]
I always say it's not the kiss that matters.
It's how nice the kiss is with the guy you're kissing.
I've been single for three months now.
Yeah, I'm a young mum with a kooky tongue looking to get a tongue through my tongue.
[J-Barb] Oh, yeah.
- [Seb] Some very special women. - Lovely.
- Not a bad one in the bunch, man. Not one. - [woman 1] Wow!
- [Nick] Got some eager beavers waiting. - Looking good, girls.
Sent from heaven, man. Jackpot.
[both laughing]
- [Seb] Yeah, get into that, man. - You all right?
Hello.
Boys, I mean, what do we make of all that?
- Yes. - Love it.
[J-Barb] Very nice.
Great. And girls, what do we think?
- I mean, yeah, you're all right. - Thumbs up.
Rock and roll.
Okay, now we've all had a good lookie at each other's lippies.
I'd like you all
to join me at the barrel.
[suspenseful music playing]
- Already? We just got here. - [Nafaf] That's a little serious.
[J-Barb] I'm up for whatever, man.
[Nick] As much as I wish I'd gathered you round this bazza for a laugh,
that's not the case.
I've gathered you round this baz
to tell you that in this series of Kiss Villa,
there's a twist.
[J-Barb] Oh.
Oh, no.
- [Georgina] Oh, my God. - [Nick] And that twist is,
there are four boys, there are four girls.
But only one boy
and one girl
is attractive.
♪ We're staying up all night ♪
And it is up to you to work out who it is on your team.
[Georgina] My God.
That is insane. [scoffs]
♪ We're staying up all night ♪
If you get it right, you'll get a party that lasts the entirety of the shoot.
[all cheering]
[Nick] Red wine and carbonara every day.
- Love carbonara. - [Ellin] I want...
- I getty, getty. - [Nick] If you get it wrong,
everyone, apart from the hot couple,
has to crouch down, face to the floor for the remaining eight weeks.
[dramatic music playing]
I love standing up, man. I love standing up, man.
Right. You've got until I can smash through this B
with this sledgehammer to decide.
Off you go.
Okay, quick, over to the nook.
[Georgina] Let's go.
- Right, boys, come on, let's go. - [Georgina] Let's get to that nook.
[grunts]
- [J-Barb] Right. - [Georgina] It is a really tough decision.
It's a toughie.
I'm gonna say straight out the boozer, man.
I think it's me. I think it's me. I've just got this feeling, man.
Do you know what I mean? I want that carbonara. We gotta get this right.
- I also thought it was me, actually. - Did you?
I just think that because I'm a dancer and none of you are hot
- that it might be me, or... - Right, yeah, no.
I did think that. Er, that it could be either of us.
[dramatic music playing]
You're safe. I mean, J-Barb, I think you're a sick lad, but it's definitely me.
I think you're great. I think you're all good lads. I don't want to be doing this.
But I feel like it's me.
- I thought it was like either me or you. - Well, or me.
- But, like, me. - Or me.
It's definitely not you.
You have the same thing? That's mad. And you? You think it's you?
- I think it's me.
- How old are you? - 57.
Know what I mean?
Right, you horrid lot.
Let's get you back around the B.
[Nafaf] Sorry. Should we stand in the same formation?
[indistinct chatter]
[Seb] This is not what I wanna be doing.
[Nick] Now,
you've had a barrel of time to decide.
Will whoever you've elected as the only attractive people here
step forward?
[dramatic music playing]
[imperceptible]
Okay, hotties, step forward, you trotties.
[sighs]
- No, it's the young ones. - [Seb] Oh, right.
[Hugo] Great.
- [J-Barb] What, these two? - Yeah, exactly.
- This carbonara is peng. Yeah. - It's pretty good, innit?
I don't really eat it, I just look at it.
[male singer vocalising]
[heart beating]
What's that?
[narrator] Oh, just some light entertainment. Not for you? Okay.
Erm, I'm sensing a little bit of "Oh, dear!" from you, pal.
[chuckles] Well, fear not. Life won't always be as garish as that.
Honestly, it's all hobbies and silence from here on in.
♪ You've loved ♪
♪ You've loved for so long ♪
♪ For so long, for so long ♪
♪ For so long ♪
- Mmm. - Was that "Mmm"?
[woman] Mmm.
I was gonna say that, yeah. Mmm. Yeah.
- Did you see this from Jack and Peter? - Mmm-hmm.
- Really good. It's really, really good. - Great.
Give it a read. [laughing]
"Happy 20th anniversary,
Karl and Esther." What else?
"AKA Mum and Dad."
[laughing]
Oh, God.
Er...
I love that.
"I hope you have a superb day."
"We can't believe you're still in love."
"From your uni boys, Jack and Peter."
How about that? That's fantastic.
Still in love.
[chuckles] Oh!
Mmm.
[laughs] Yes.
What's that?
No, I was saying about... I love ya!
- Great. - Cheers.
[laughing] Ah.
Is it this? Is it this? Is it this?
That sort of thing, if that makes any sense.
I want to tell the whole of flipping, er, Suffolk that we are still in love.
[chuckling] So, let's prove it.
Yeah.
[chuckles nervously]
[singing out of tune] ♪ I married you ♪
♪ And I love you... ♪
...sort of thing. Is it that?
♪ I love you so much ♪
♪ You know, we've been together for ages ♪
Right?
♪ For years ♪
Incredible.
♪ And I don't want to Get enough of being with you ♪
- [Esther chuckles] - [laughs]
♪ I'll sing, seeing you breathing ♪
- It's going a bit cold. - Oh, God. Yeah.
One second, I will continue. Don't put those in there. [laughs]
- Dangerous. - Yeah.
♪ I love you ♪
[microwave whirring]
♪ And spending all my time ♪
♪ With you in our house All the time 'cause ♪
- [microwave dings] - Ooh!
♪ You know I love you so much ♪
♪ And I'll never let you go ♪
♪ My babe ♪
[both laughing]
Is it that sort of thing?
Brilliant.
Erm...
- Come on. Do you want to have a go? - [mumbling]
You've got the food. Yeah. Let it go down. God. Imagine you up there singing...
"Puh, puh, puh..."
Spitting it... But do when you get... Finished, swallowed it.
- I'm off to bed. - Right.
Because I've gotta be up at 10:00 a.m.
Dear God. Yeah. Well, please.
[muttering] It's fine.
[laughs]
Yeah. Go, go, go.
[sniffles, chuckles]
[footsteps receding]
Alexa, what's the time?
[Alexa] The time is 6:45.
Is it?
[brass music playing]
Did you see that photo of me and Helen in Rome eating pizza?
- [laughter] - Can I have a look at that?
In a second, Grandad. Andy, you haven't commented on that pic of me.
[grandad] Can I see that pic?
How do I, er... say a comment about--
Oh, my God. We... we should set up a thread just for family photos.
I'd love to have... a thread... please.
- We're going. Love you. Happy birthday. - Thanks...
Thanks for the computer, and remember to include me in things.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[man 1 on TV] But since then, he started a small potted plant business.
This year will be his first Chelsea Flower Show,
and he'll be exhibiting alongside his wife.
[TV static]
[man 2 on TV] Elderly people find it seriously bloody hard to use tech.
I can't do it.
I can help you do it.
I cannot stand Google.
No, Google is amazing, man.
The tip of my finger keeps getting bigger.
I think I must be allergic to my dog.
That is not to do with tech.
Hi, I'm Anthony Clance, and I'm a thoroughly nice chap.
And I'll come around and we'll have a couple of black coffees.
And we'll have you tackling extremely difficult tech at your pace.
Easing You In with Anthony Clance.
[laughs]
So, what do you think?
What do you think?
Hello?
[Anthony clicks tongue]
- One second, David. - [David] That's all right.
[smacks lips]
[telephone ringing]
Hello, Terry Gill speaking.
You're just looking at me. Okay? Have I got a cute cat on my face?
Do you want me to help you with tech? I can ease you in.
I beg your pardon?
Never beg, Terry.
It puts a "B" among the egg.
Now, tell me, Terry, how can I help you with the tech?
Er, can we do this some other time?
Oh, come on, Gill. T-Gill.
We've both got a couple of black coffees.
Why are you so manic and stubborn about the tech?
Become more chilled out.
And before you know it, you'll be doing an upward thumb.
Okay.
How much are your services?
[guttural chuckle]
Don't be so wild, T-Gill.
It's free. We both need this.
You want to be an IT whiz,
and I want to live in a world where no person is slowing things down.
Now, tell me, what tech can I help you with the tech?
Er...
I wasn't sure how to get on the thread.
And to look at photos and talk to my family.
Texts.
- Yeah, but also photos-- - It's all texts!
I came all the way down from Glasgow to teach you about the majesty of tech.
And you want me to show you texts?
Oh.
Do you not know how to do them?
Do I know how to do texts?
Are you shaking my piss?
I'm doing texts in my slumber, Terry G.
I'm not here to text, GIF, or little smiling face.
No, tell me why you really brought me here.
I didn't know I had.
Well then, I consider you to be dumb to me.
I consider you to be dumb for me, Terry, asking me easy questions like this.
I consider you to be dumb to me.
Show me.
Show me what you can do with the tech.
Er... Well, er... Er, er...
I know how to turn it on.
- [error message chiming] - Er...
Oh, you're making your laptop into gunk.
Terry doesn't get tech.
[intense music playing]
Gilly.
What are you doing, Gilly? Calm down.
Leave me be. I just want to see.
See what? The texts?
And pictures. Don't shout at me.
I'm not a part of it, but I need to be.
I wanted to comment on the thread. [voice echoes]
I'm bored.
I'm so bored.
I'm lonely and I'm bored.
[sombre music playing]
Tez man. Gilly T.
I think I'm starting to get you, G.
Do you know how lucky you are to be bored?
You're free from distraction.
And I love you for that, Terry.
But... but I need it!
I just told you, Terry man, you don't need it!
Do you want to be like them? Scrambled egg?
[intense music playing]
Okay, fine. I will show it to you, you silliness.
See? It's nothing. Cat shit.
Here is Luton Larry, and what is he even doing big style?
You don't need this tech, and you don't need me.
- [music fades] - Just do nothing, Tez man G.
Nothing is better than Luton Larry.
[whispering] Now,
you're gonna wake up in a minute, Terry.
And when you do, I want you to promise me
you're going to do something that makes you happy.
Thank you.
[man on TV] But since then he's started a small...
Ah.
[laughing]
[upbeat instrumental music playing]
Hi, are you all right? Clive, yeah? Dr Jack, yeah?
So, for me, Clive, you are looking well.
Yeah? One of the boys. [laughs] Is that a new drip?
Yes.
Yeah, mate. Looks fire.
Look, basically, I wanted to pull you for a chat today
just to chat about your results and be a bit caring towards you, really.
- Mmm-hmm. - Yeah. So, for me, it's got quite bad.
Yeah. And for me, you've got this quite rare blood thing. To me.
Hmm. Okay.
So, where my head's at, in terms of the truth,
is you've got sort of between two minutes
and two minutes, 15 seconds before you're dead.
- Okay, thank you. - That's all right, don't worry.
Zack here, he's going to sort your body out when you go, yeah?
And you can say your last words to him, all right?
Er, is there anything else I can get for you, fella?
[whispers] Please say no.
No.
Yes, see you later.
[monitor beeping]
[sighing]
[table squeaking]
- [sombre music playing] - [gasping]
♪ I'm gonna die ♪
♪ So, that's nice ♪
♪ I've never died before ♪
♪ I've been Clive ♪
♪ With Clive's kidneys and eyes ♪
♪ Since I've been alive ♪
♪ So, can I say goodbye ♪
♪ To Clive's body, I... ♪
♪ Want to thank it for ♪
♪ Getting me around and in the bath ♪
[flatline beeps]
[celestial music playing]
Oh!
Wonderful. How delightful!
How... how delightful!
[chuckling] How... how lovely!
[laughing]
Well,
maybe I've got a couple of minutes to say goodbye to my body.
[sniffles]
♪ Goodbye to my teeth ♪
♪ Thank you For the difficult meat you bit ♪
♪ Ta-ta to my feet ♪
♪ Your beautiful toes Thin as cigarettes ♪
♪ Goodbye, knee ♪
♪ Remember me ♪
♪ And the several times ♪
♪ I got you to kneel ♪
[Zack] Get rid!
Ah.
Oh, hang on.
Did someone lock this?
- The other door. - [man] What?
- You locked the door. - What?
- Can't get the gurney out. - [man] Got my hands full.
I need body bags. Give me the bags.
[man] I don't have any body bags. Use bin bags.
Fucking idiot, man.
[music playing]
- ♪ Goodbye, shoulder... ♪ - [music stops]
- [man] What are you doing later? - What, are you up for something?
♪ How we got older... ♪
[man] I reckon we take it off early, mate.
[Zack] I'm up for that.
[man] What are you... But don't you have to do this body?
- True. How far is the morgue? - [man] Huh?
Morgue's a bit of a trek from here, innit?
♪ Goodbye to my hand ♪
♪ You've shook the hand ♪
♪ Of the Polish President ♪
- [vehicle approaching] - [man] Oi!
[Zack] It stinks in here, boys.
[man laughing]
[tyres screeching]
Erm, I think I want to go now.
[male singer vocalising]
[narrator] Okay, I'll level with you.
No harmonies for this bit. Please, you need to please...
- [vocalising stops] - Thank you.
A lot of this hasn't looked great. I can see that, but take my word for it.
There's a lot more to life than sex and marriage and being thrown in the bin.
You know, you'll learn to love the minutia.
[muffled voices chattering]
What's that noise?
[narrator] That? You like that, do you? [chuckles]
That's people talking. If you like that, you'll be all right.
That's the majority of life, really, just listening to people saying stuff.
A harmony of human interaction.
Look, believe me, everything anyone has ever said is incredible, too, you know.
Do you know what?
Have a little listen now. Go on.
Everyone's saying everything.
- [man] Nice shop but expensive, isn't it? - [woman 1] Yeah.
[woman 2] God I love a bit of crap telly.
[man 2] Imagine how long it would take to do a pub crawl around here.
[chattering intensifies]
[woman] Have a nice day.
[pleasant music playing]
♪ There really are a lot Of milks these days ♪
♪ Have you seen all the milks? ♪
♪ We're always on our Bloody phones these days ♪
♪ So we've got to look after Our mental health ♪
♪ And we've got to look after our phones ♪
♪ This guy really cracks me up ♪
♪ This guy is hilarious ♪
What's so funny?
♪ We were both just swearing ♪
♪ And talking about How pineapple on pizza's not nice ♪
We prefer other toppings, for fuck's sake!
♪ The thing about me is I ride my bike ♪
♪ And I also ride my bike ♪
♪ The thing about me is I need my coffee ♪
[laughing]
♪ What am I like? ♪
♪ What are we like? ♪
♪ And I ride my bike ♪
♪ He's offending me ♪
♪ I'm offending you ♪
♪ It makes no sense You don't want to be with me ♪
♪ Can't you see I want to be with you ♪
Sorry. Who are you? Do you know who this is?
No clue.
♪ Everyone is saying everything ♪
♪ And we all can't wait to hear What everyone has got to say ♪
I'm absolutely shattered.
♪ Everyone is saying something cool ♪
♪ Say what you think you think ♪
♪ And please don't think before you say ♪
♪ Anything ♪
[laughter]
So how far along are you?
Er, about eight and a half months.
Bloody hell. Was just telling my friend on the phone I'm completely knackered.
Shattered.
♪ Everyone is saying everything ♪
♪ And we're all in love With what everyone has got to say ♪
♪ Everyone is saying something great ♪
I actually feel ill.
♪ Say it in a tweet ♪
♪ Then go to sleep ♪
♪ And when you wake ♪
♪ Say more things ♪
[man] Drop a beat, you fucking madman. [laughing]
Some people say what they need to say through dance, apparently.
- [upbeat music playing] - [all exclaiming]
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
[all cheering]
[trumpet playing]
♪ Saying things ♪
♪ Go on! ♪
[baby crying]
[pleasant instrumental music playing]