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Those who will be born later, the others won't forget.
Everything we learned can be told.
Speaking in a secretly inherited language
of transhumance, craftswomen, Amazons and witches.
History, our history, is told inward,
but you have come here,
moved by a desire that will allow you to listen.
Our desire does not know the law of the World
already forgotten while being learned.
Clarity was imposed on us, and yet we grew up in mystery.
If I take us out from this absurd light of the day
that leaves no folds, and I rescue the night,
who will fear more? You or I?
Those born after us will cast a sigh towards me,
who loved with profound determination, towards you, my desire.
OTHERNESS
Good morning!
Let's have breakfast. Are you hungry?
Look at this nice breakfast we prepared.
Like every day...
Look how good it is.
It's coming. But look, you have one in there already.
Look at this.
What is it? Yes!
This juice is so good.
- Huh? - This juice is really good.
Yes, strawberry and orange is a good combination.
We should make more.
We're going to Mirador del Migdia. Do you want to come?
- I wanted to work. - Work?
To do some coursework and all this.
And if I have time I'll go to the pool for a moment,
and pay and say we're not going today.
Well, today our cutie pie starts swimming.
And we have a situation that Carla will luckily manage.
And that is, for me, of course, going to a swimming pool...
Changing rooms and all of that is something…
we were talking about transition, of the different phases…
I suppose there will be a day when I will dare to it.
In fact I have already been in a women's locker room once.
There in Tarrega.
- But of course it's a... - Accompanied by people you knew.
- Accompanied by people I knew. - And LGBTI people.
Yes, it was an environment...
There were more trans people around there,
it was an easy environment.
But, of course, it's a part of the upbringing
that I'm sadly missing out.
And at the same time, well... some burden that I can't take on,
it has both things: It is something
that Carla must take care of right now
and that I'm missing out.
I mean, because being in a swimming pool...
You'll have a great time. So much fun.
Okay, I keep the little one, thanks. Very generous of you.
I find it very amusing to be able to say
that the child has two biological mothers.
People don't get it, it's so funny. Two biological mothers, how?
Open your mind!
We said this to a lady in Mallorca. We told her, "Open your mind!"
And she said, "But how, what are you saying?"
So funny...
Because that lady… I think she never saw me
as trans, that rarely happens,
but sometimes happens that people don't see me as trans.
Well, it is like this.
We are two dykes, who were lucky
that we didn't have to go through...
Through the whole reproductive process, right?
The in vitro and all of that… Well…
Assisted reproduction.
In Canada I first looked like straight,
because I had long hair, when I cut my hair,
suddenly I was a lesbian.
Suddenly I have long hair again, I'm straight, so...
I didn't stop. Are we judging people by their haircuts?
In fact, when I cut my hair, I couldn't stop flirting.
So heavy.
They see me as an Indian person.
They don't see me as a person
whose sexuality they can say straight-forwardly that is straight,
because queer gay or lesbian people don't exist in India.
According to many people, and that's not true.
In fact, India has been colonized, has been destroyed
by the colonization of white people, oppressed…,
in every issue related to sexuality in India,
and India was a very queer place,
very gay, very lesbian before this.
The femphobia is very strong.
I don't know, it is pure hatred towards women.
Being a lesbian person,
I don't understand how they can have femphobia in a way.
How can you hate women to be women
the way they want to be, and then go to bed with women?
I don't understand, but well, it's something that I don't...
I don't regret it that much anymore.
When I was young I wanted
to refuse this fem part.
If they don't like that I'm fem now, go to hell, you know?
These are things that I'm not worried about right now.
It's so funny that you're making a second…
a second impression of me, you know?
It's so cool.
- It is moving. - Yeah,
maybe the caliber of the plate is not so good.
Well, it's a 3D that is organically weird, hard to print.
It's gonna be pretty basic.
Basically what happens to me is that my whole life…
has been an experiment.
I always considered myself a cyborg because I never did what was expected,
neither for a woman nor for a man nor for...
I mean neither for a lesbian woman nor for...
So, my life has always been an experiment
in which I have brought my body to the extreme,
I have experimented to the maximum everything I could, by putting...
objects inside my body,
taking my body to the extreme at a level of pain, for example.
And all of this, for me, is what makes up a cyborg entity and a trans entity
that likes to experiment.
How do you see yourself?
Aligned.
Well, it could be any girl, though.
Compare her to the other one.
Yes.
The most stable thing in my life is change.
I love it.
Yes, 2019 - 2022.
Yes.
Missing the curly moment in between.
What made me run away from the city was, on the one hand,
a very big feeling of emptiness that I had at that moment.
This whole political world I was in…
Assemblies, activities and so on, they didn't fulfill me.
I didn't feel that it made me happy.
I felt empty, you know.
Also the relationships… Even though I shared with a lot of people,
these relationships were not deep. In the end...
they were quite concrete.
With my friends, of course, but...
The rest, we would meet to carry out activities
and then I knew almost nothing about the other person.
And I felt it like an internal call to go towards...
the countryside.
Get out of there. Get out! Go outside.
Shall I do that?
A little kick here and there.
I mean, I also like to be mistaken for a boy.
I find it very funny when the ladies tell me,
"Hey, boy!" And... I like it.
I mean, it doesn't bother me.
It also seems
that when this happens to you, when they confuse your gender,
it's like the worst thing that can happen to you,
that they say to you.
In the sense of getting out, from that identity, from that role.
Have you ever thought about taking hormones or microtransitioning or similar?
Well I think that if I were in the more urban context,
the fact of transiting or taking hormones would have been surely…
easier, you know?
And maybe I would be on that path,
but also because the context always conditions, you know?
And it always can push you to look,
to try.
But the truth is that...
Well, I like the way I am, I have no need to change.
More milk. I need more milk, it's too thick.
- More milk? - Yes, it's too thick.
More milk, more milk.
Pour a good amount.
A good stream.
Enough.
This can go…
We are neither man nor woman, it's another story.
Ours is different.
We already had that perception of running away from stereotypes.
We did want to create our culture,
make just a lesbian culture, but how?
We wanted to create it from us,
and we were getting things from abroad
because maybe abroad they were more advanced than us.
We also brought those. Books.
We were very lucky to be able to go
to the feminist book fairs that were held...
in Amsterdam, in Berlin.
It was held in Barcelona in the 90's, we went to Australia…
With the books you could certainly know…
With the workshops and the talks you could share and see.
And also here, we were trying to reproduce whatever it was
within the lesbian world.
Because it was very clear for us.
We wanted to live the experience of a separatist world
because it was our idea and it was our desire.
Although it has never quite come to fruition
but we did define ourselves, and we still do,
and I still do even though I can't practice it at all,
but I still define myself as a lesbian separatist.
But, of course,
society also marks you the priorities and the moment, the environment and...
And you do what you can.
How would you define lesbian separatism?
How would you define it?
To make it clear for people who don't know what it is.
Yes. What is lesbian separatism?
Well, it is a radical idea that lesbianism goes to the extreme
of only having relationship and action and interaction with women.
And in a world that could be totally of women and lesbians,
where women would have no patriarchal influences and patriarchal role models
that could mark us.
The desire is that you could be totally autonomous,
totally yourself.
But it is also a kind of an inner perception.
It is not only a physical action in a life or material level.
It is also an inner perception of saying: I am capable.
I don't need patriarchal models
that have crushed us so far in order to be able to follow them.
And now my computer is restarting, I don't know what was wrong with it.
But as I have the flash drive here… Look, I'll pass you this one and...
and you are going to put one of the three.
- All three. - Okay.
I'm missing... We're at the 6th.
Okay? So we did physical violence and sexual violence 1.
And we're missing these.
And finish tying these two together that are mixed up a little bit.
For example, at the very beginning…
Do you have the right title?
Yeah, we can go to the first one… you see?
Here.
- Muse? - Yeah, it's an agency from New York.
They contacted you?
I have a casting tomorrow.
- Wow. - Amazing.
The New York one is online,
but I do it from Francina's computer
because they want me to be there.
They say my house has bad lighting.
Okay.
- Come on, they're right. - Yes, they're right.
So they're both online? One is in Francina and…?
One is in person. The London one is with them tomorrow at Francina.
Okay wow.
I didn't even search these agencies,
it would be nice do it, because I haven't checked them.
It's great, baby.
When I was younger it was very contradictory for me
to think that I like women, and I'm a Muslim.
It was more of Islam and my culture,
of what my family would say, right?
That is to say, as a child I always grew up
with the typical feast of the lamb, the end of Ramadan,
the birth of the prophet or things like that.
And I like all this.
Being with your family, the happiness of having spent a month together,
so intimate, you know, the whole family together to eat.
I like all these things.
But I think that Islam,
as in any religion and almost any practice,
has been very much modified by men and it's been very much changed…
Yes, by cis men.
So how can a book that was interpreted
by a man can represent me?
That's the relationship I have now with Islam.
For me, religion in its purity is just peace.
It's a book of advice, just like the Bible and the Torah
and a book of Buddhism won't say you shall not drink or kill.
I mean, if the police can fine you for killing,
why can't Islam "condemn" you for killing?
But in the end I don't believe
that everything is based on being good or being bad,
but it's a guide, a book of advices
to be able to act correctly in this life.
That's why I don't consider that smoking a joint is haram,
or drinking alcohol is haram.
It's haram because you are harming your body,
but it is not haram because alcohol is haram, you know?
So I don't consider it wrong either,
for a person with pussy to eat another pussy
and a person with a penis to suck another penis.
Because in the end as long as I'm not hurting anyone,
or myself or whatever pronoun you want to say, you know?
…and I could DJ.
Wait a minute, no kidding,
when the Poble Sec parties were going on,
I was thinking, "I want to DJ in the festivities of my neighborhood
and I want to DJ in Os de Balaguer."
- Okay. - But I see it so feasible.
Yes, it is.
I don't think they have a lot of people saying,
"I want to DJ in Os de Balaguer."
No, and besides they will say, "Oh, how exotic", you know?
They don't know I'm your girlfriend in your town.
Well, your friends do.
But they'll say, "Is that black girl Gina's cousin?"
No, they know we are not cousins.
Well, they know we are… so they'll think we're friends.
I don't know.
It would be very funny.
I don't know what connections they can make
with the little amount of black people in your town.
Well, friend or girlfriend.
That is you. Well, girlfriend.
We act friendly in public.
- In my town? - Yes.
But we've already been there many times.
Yes, but just with your friends.
But when we walk through the village in general.
Because I don't like people who are very gossipy.
- Gossipy. - It's true.
I threw it there, girl, you don't get anything.
Come on, look, over there.
Where is it? It's here.
Alright.
I don't take hormones as a trans boy, I do it…
For example, if a trans guy applies 8 daily doses of cream,
I take four, and sometimes I even take three,
and sometimes I take two.
I'm a bit…
in a limbo, a bit like in the limit of neither one thing nor the other,
and well, there are no studies that talk about
what is happening with the body.
Well, there are, but very few,
and it is not very well known,
but it is something that can be done, I am the proof of that.
Now it's been a week without hormones and I'm waiting like this…
Well, I've been progressively stopping it.
Why did you stop taking hormones?
Because… Well, the truth is because,
since I had the recording on Friday,
I said, maybe if I stop taking them my voice will clear up a bit.
But it's not true, so that the vocal folds…
once the vocal cords change, they don't go back to...
It is one of these things that are irreversible.
It's an irreversible change.
But I do it a lot.
Suddenly I feel like stopping taking hormones.
And suddenly I want to go back, and now
I want to stop taking them and I'm doing it.
My mother says that I play too much with my body,
but I think that if I have a body, it's for something, right?
To play with it.
Girl, not here!
The fact I have waited ten years…
Putting up with my own body, day after day,
meant for me that when I decided to take hormones,
I was very happy and I didn't wanna change anything about my own body.
This doesn't mean I can't say tomorrow "Oh, shit,
I don't feel comfortable with my boobs.
I want to take them off."
It doesn't mean that I can't do it, because I can perfectly do it,
but I think it's given me a sense of maturity
and having to put up with my body in no other way,
and ending up loving the way it is and the choices it gives me
and the opportunities it gives me.
Because in the end I was very afraid
of ending up changing myself for others,
not for me.
And I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to change myself.
It is the rest who must change.
I wanted to show you a T-shirt my friend Borja Pony made for me.
Now I can't untie the… Okay
Girls with guns.
It's getting old a little bit, It makes me a bit sad.
Anyway, I wore it for the occasion today.
I really like to wear it normally when I'm dressed in a suit,
with suit pants and suddenly this T-shirt,
that shows off my boobies and it says Girls with guns.
If I have something important from work or something.
Look at a heron! That black and white one. You see it?
It's down here, look how beautiful it is.
Looks like a seagull eh. Have you seen it?
It's hiding.
Our plan to raise without gender,
is something we didn't discuss much
because it was practically obvious and unavoidable.
In fact, if you look at trans couples in which one…
at least one of the two people is trans,
it's a very common thing.
The day our baby was born,
you are so happy, you know?
You call your mother, "Well, congratulations grandma!"
Everything is fine but she says, "Your father wants to talk to you."
And he goes and tells me,
"Well, it's just that this you're doing is not good at all!"
It's okay you're not telling us if it's a boy or a girl,
but we want to know if it's male or female.
Male or female!
"We have to be able to say it!"
As if it were a right. Because, of course, what a shame!
"What a shame when we're asked and we don't know what to say."
They have to accept it, and sooner or later they end up doing it,
although they didn't always fully agree with what we have asked them.
And in the end we got tired of asking.
I mean… I don't know…
But, well, with this situation,
three days after the baby was born,
of course there was a very odd atmosphere in our family.
They didn't come to visit us as there was COVID.
A good thing was that visitors couldn't come to the hospital
and this gave us a much-needed peace of mind.
But three days later, when we were home,
chatting on Whatsapp with my mother,
she told she was very sad, she couldn't stop crying,
because she couldn't explain what was the gender and so
and then I had not yet come out of the closet
and that was the moment when I came out on WhatsApp.
I said, "Look, mom, let's see if this way you understand it better".
And I was like "you really don't see, it's been a few years now"
I don't even grow a beard, that I don't...
That I always wear make-up, that I dress feminine,
that Carla always speaks to me in feminine,
and she refers to me in feminine.
Don't you see that these things are happening?
And she, "Well, you have always been very extreme",
and then chatted about something else.
"Hey, mom, I want to emphasize this,
you haven't noticed..."
And in the end I was like,
"I don't know how long ago that I've been living as a girl,
that I feel like this, that my name is Manoly,
that so and so."
And then the lady, acting truly wonderfully,
she said, "I don't know what to tell you now.
I can't get it, but I love you very much, and we'll talk about it."
And that was it.
It's the best answer that she could give me
if she was in shock.
And then one thing she told me in the following days
when we were chatting, she was very sorry.
She was for a long time with the recurring idea,
that she felt a very deep sorrow that she didn't realize before.
And for her too, I mean, it was a liberation.
With my family I had always led hidden lives,
I had never felt at ease or with the capacity to open up.
And now the relationship has improved a lot after this.
Well, they think and do their thing,
and although they don't fully get it, and they don't know how to deal
with the gender-neutral parenting, it does make more sense.
And as a result of that they look at it from a more respectful point of view
and careful with our views.
Well, I think it's a place that really…
I mean, I was very much against the whole issue of ableism,
linked to the image and the understanding they make
of the child's behavior.
It's the same as with gender there is an erroneous vision, right?
Well, the ableism vision for me was also wrong.
But in reality it is something that if you look at it outside of…
of being as if you were observing some deficits, that is to say...
I mean, outside of this understanding it's cool
and I think all children should have access to, right?
Especially all mothers and fathers
because it is still an accompaniment
when you have no idea, right? Because you are a novice.
And it is an accompaniment to development.
You basically go there to play, right?
And they tell you things.
They give you clues, right?
Things you can do, I don't know, it's been good for us,
for me and Carla as adults, you know?
To gain skills.
I usually read about topics that are pretty much the same,
but then I like to read this kind of stuff.
I would love to read Stephen Hawking, for example,
it's interesting.
We are already in my neighborhood.
My father, well, he might know because once,
I remember when I was very young, when I was 22 or so,
I was about to go on a date.
I was at my father's house and then I was going on a date.
So I was putting on my makeup, getting ready, I don't know.
And my father said, "Where are you going?"
I'm going to see my friend Kathleen…
"Oh, that's so cool! What are you going to do?"
"Well, we'll have dinner".
"You're looking very pretty. Is it a date?"
And I suddenly got very nervous.
I don't know why I didn't expect that from my father.
My father is a guy who doesn't ask about a lot of things, like a basic guy.
He doesn't ask at all, you know? Super basic.
Then, all of a sudden, my dad comes in, he's worried,
not worried, but asking about me, my romantic life, I don't know.
It made me very nervous.
I don't know, it was a moment where...
Now I always think of that moment,
because it could have been a really cool moment,
when I could've talked to him, came out of the closet, all this stuff.
But I was so in shock that I didn't seize the moment.
"No, no, no, no way!",
and then I closed the bathroom door,
and I was like super nervous, I ran out of his house.
We never spoke again about that day, even though I'd like to,
but now it's been like 10 years.
I'm not going back to my dad,
"Do you remember 10 years ago when you asked me
if I was going on a date with the girl?
Well, I had a date with a girl, and she was my girlfriend."
I also think that my blood family
is not my family either, they're my family that doesn't know.
In the end they don't know much about me.
You know? My family is my gay, queer family,
rainbow family that...
they really know me.
Look me in the eye. Close here.
- Here. - Okay, it's going away.
- Here! - Yes!
But not with the head, only with the eyes.
What a beautiful chin.
It was like... I don't know whether to call it a crush.
Does that really exist?
It hadn't happened to me with another person,
but it was like a connection of... "I want to know, I want to know"
and obviously physically I loved them and I love them.
With hair, without hair, with skirt and with pants
I mean... A lot.
I don't know, it was like a I want to know more,
I wanna meet them and wanna know more, I wanna have them around.
I'm sorry.
Why didn't you do it in the middle?
I didn't either. Because I don't like it.
Okay.
- Do you want me to do it for you? - No.
That day…
The day you came with your friend,
- you left your ID card around here. - Okay.
And I went to see your name to call you by your name
and not to say: "Hey!, you left your ID card".
And then I was super worried that…
I mean, it's kind of complicated to tell this.
We didn't introduced ourselves.
We didn't know our names.
And, of course, at that time, I mean, I had a lot of problems...
I didn't know if she liked girls,
or didn't like girls,
or who she liked. I didn't even know if...
What was your life, I didn't know anything.
And then of course. Since I already have some experience
with people rejecting you just because you are the way you are,
not just for being a lesbian
or for being trans or for being non-binary
or being whatever you are,
not for how you are on the inside.
Well, I was really afraid that she would be biased.
That she'd say, "I don't even want to meet this person
because this person is a deviant,
some form of otherness, right?"
There are a lot of people like that, honey,
you're not like that, but there are many people like that,
and I've come across many people during my life.
And the truth is you get to a point that you close yourself off and say,
"I don't want to meet these kind of people."
Or, "I'll try to get through this suffering"
of they getting to know me as I am and like me,
and open their mind and tell them…
People... I mean, but in her case,
of course I didn't know what...
I mean, I didn't know what she was like.
And so I was very afraid
that she would know that I was non-binary and she would get scared.
Lower a little, no, the eye.
Much better, thank you, love. I love it.
In all the communities I've lived in, well, not all of them, but...
yes, there were dykes.
For me it's super important that there are dykes
in the communities, and nearby,
because they have another vibe.
The communication, the language, the jokes,
I mean, it's your identity, isn't it?
It's like...
So everywhere I've been there were dykes.
I'll get some water later,
because I was a little absent-minded and I left a tap running.
- You emptied it all. - I know.
There doesn't seem to be much oil.
- I think there must be some. - Is it two-stroke oil?
- No, it's engine oil. - Okay.
- Well, there it is. - Great.
And vroom, vroom, vroom.
And that's it.
And the truth is that I've always had the desire
or tried to project the whole issue of the relational hierarchy
and to have some big affective networks, right?
It seems that if you don't have a sex-affective bond,
the bond isn't that strong.
I've seen a lot of friends suffer a lot too,
who had a bond with someone and that person disappeared.
It's a very interesting topic.
You know, I would like to have this.
My ideal couple is three of us at least, you know?
Because this way, I have my time for me.
And, I don't know, everything is more diluted.
But I also think that... I mean, I used to think a lot too…
about the collective upbringing.
You start from that ideal, and then you see it doesn't work,
that the mother is the mother and the baby is the baby
and they have a bond that you can share and be there,
but it's not that easy.
There are other things, and it's also cool
to let things be like that.
Anyway, the ideal is there too and it's cool.
I was out there living and people started to say,
"Alf is coming with some goats!"
And I said, "Who is this? Who is Alf with some goats?"
But you already knew it was me. We've met before.
Yes, but I didn't remember your name, actually.
Yeah, I'm very bad with names.
I didn't remember.
So from here on we started living together.
- Living together. - It made us love each other.
I love you very much, we love each other.
I love you too.
This is our story.
And we do a lot together.
- Yes, of course. - In the end,
we are our dyke team in the area.
- There used to be more dykes around. - From the municipality!
There were a few of us.
Me and Alf could have made out,
because we like more or less the same things.
We have a lot in common, but we live together too.
And then sometimes I think,
"Okay, I may like Alf a lot
because of the way Alf is."
But I don't want our living space to stop being a safe space
so we have to start taking care of it.
"Listen, there's this girl coming to spend a weekend with me",
then she may say, "Shoot, I don't want to see that."
- Or something like that. - Yes, of course.
It's a big deal. So Alf becomes a person who doesn't...
- Better to build a friendship. - Yes.
And then the same thing with Casanova, you know?
The thing is you can be with someone,
and I don't feel like being with that person,
because I don't like endogamy.
And if you you make out with three people
then there's no one else here.
- It's the truth. - Yes, it's like that.
And there is no one in Valls.
And if there is, she's also a friend of a friend of yours
or she's an ex of an ex of yours
and wee're back in the topic of endogamy.
And if you get into apps, what you get is a reality.
The rural areas are deserted
and that what young people do is to go to the city.
And then you think, I have come to live here.
I don't want to create an emotional bond
or I don't feel like creating an emotional bond with someone
who is more than an hour away by car,
and on top of that, the economic expense that involves getting there and back.
Lesbos was...
I was fifty years round, sorry, sixty!
Yes because we celebrated your...
60th birthday. She came to my birthday.
And I didn't know whose birthday was.
And she didn't know who was celebrating the birthday.
I signed up for the birthday because when they did one there,
they brought little things, everybody participated…
And they told me, "It's her birthday".
I didn't even know her name, and I signed up to eat ham.
I still remember.
This happened at the bar La Nostra Illa.
We turned 60 in March,
and this was in August.
It was a year,
since I had left a second partner I had.
For eight years.
We split up.
Our goals were not the same and it was over.
And I had been single for a year and a half.
For year and a half that I was available,
I had no intention of formalizing
a continuous, serious, monogamous relationship,
with a single woman.
I had no intention, I was in no hurry.
What do you mean by that?
I mean that I wanted no commitment of mandatory loyalty.
I didn't want to just be a...
a couple, I didn't want to go back to having a steady partner again,
so to say.
But things were the way they were.
But the relationship was a bit scary at the beginning.
I mean, for each of us,
you were fine with the other person,
but we both wanted to live alone.
So there was a rational part
that said "let's see what happens".
And another said, "Right now?"
Start and change everything, but I'm fine now,
I mean, why do I have to change things
if there could be problems later,
I'm fine, I'm on my own",
and she thought the same.
So we were saying, "Shoot…"
To the point that this year we couldn't stand it any longer
and we got married.
True, I didn't remember!
We got married more legally than…
Yes.
And then, of course, we went there to sign the papers
and they told us that we had to go to a judge,
that we have to say some things.
But it's not necessary, we sign the paper and that's it.
Well no, the lady did like a mini wedding
because they wouldn't let all the people in.
Because it was in full pandemic, on March, May!
- My son came. - And my sister.
And her sister, and then, when it was time to...
- The two of them signed. - And then we ate a little bit...
- We went for lunch, and that's it. - That's what we did.
Has the idea of love changed in you
as lesbians over the years?
Or has it not? Or has it stayed the same?
Referring to what that people say, "when you grow up you'll see."
When you grow up you'll see, I don't know what you have to see.
Because what does it mean to grow up?
Love stays the same, because attraction and desire,
if it's alive and new, then it's like this at 60, 50 and 70.
Sincerely it has not changed for me
and that idea of reason and prudence and be cautious,
maybe this does make you a bit...
Age slows you down a little bit, it makes you be a little more prudent.
And maybe the experience from before, well...
- Of course, it's important. - Yes.
But, you know, in fact we jumped in anyways.
Two. One space. Three.
Names of murdered women.
Seventy...
We have to leave a space, just in case.
Up to October 31.
- Women killed. - So far.
For some women, being at home
doesn't mean peace, but violence.
This one is missing.
You can also put it. I can put it too.
Okay, this one and this one.
Send by Whatsapp.
Okay, let's see.
Okay, but let's do it where we have put the mark.
And we work around this, if later we see we don't, then...
As today they will have the lights.
Maybe they can orient themselves better.
Sure. That's it.
There's no better mark than a spotlight, you know?
My mother worked it out, her dream was always to be a grandmother.
She wanted to be a grandmother
and between this and the fact that she felt bad for not seeing me...
For not having seen me before how I was and her desire to establish...
a strong relationship with her daughter, right?
All her life she has always sought to understand me.
And she never understood me.
And now all of a sudden, she had a door to understand me deeply,
to understand many things, right?
And the truth is that I am very happy
of the role she has played.
I remember one day that really touched me.
We were having lunch at her house, and she came to me,
"Well, Manoly, look..."
Do you remember this bracelet that we gave you and your sister
when you were eighteen years old?
A horrible gold bracelet that I put away...
I don't want this, and I never used it.
It had written my deadname on it, and when she told me this I was,
"Mum, don't fuck it up".
Don't bring that jewel back because I don't want it.
And suddenly she gave it to me, it's this one here.
The lady had taken it
to a jewelry store to have the name changed.
And it is still ugly as hell because it is,
but I've never taken it off since then because it's so beautiful.
I mean, that gesture was… Carla and I were there like...
What's just happened?!
I mean, how cool is that? Isn't it wonderful?
And then I knew that's it, right? That's it.
Now she have to assume that I'm a lesbian,
I don't know if she's thought about it,
I haven't told her either, "Mom, I'm a lesbian",
I mean, it's a closet that I didn't have to come out from.
I'm thinking we won't go upstairs...
I'll try to see what happens if I take them like this...
It's closer anyway, to see how it goes.
Like fake it from underneath.
We'll put this here, if it works, great, and if it doesn't...
This is what I wanted to tell you before.
I know.
Anyway, it doesn't get too hot.
No, nothing.
I lose my train of thought.
We got a very nice technician, but he's so patronizing…
I'm telling you things that you already know.
You never get out of this one. There is always someone
who exudes good vibes.
You know that already.
The only time I've...
Does Kokoko ring a bell?
No, with a K?
I don't know if it's familiar for Joko or like Kokoko...
- I mean, Joko as in... - With Ks.
They have released a movie and they will release it today
or they will do something today and I wanted to go,
to tune my musical ear.
Will you come to sleep later?
Yes, I told you so.
Cool, I want to cuddle.
Okay.
Some cuddles. Give me some cuddles.
I'm good with that.
Cuddles.
Basically the judgment that we can receive
from people from the Afro community,
especially older people,
is that they are critical within, I wouldn't even say ignorance,
but within what they have in society.
If one grows up in a Muslim society,
back in Senegal, for example, which is what I can talk about
because that's what I know.
Even if you are not Muslim,
you are in a majority Muslim country.
So there are a lot of things that have crossed over from religion
to the culture as such, you know?
So it's not an attack like "You fucking dyke!",
but the thought of: These European girls…
These African girls who have grown up in Europe,
have adopted the bad habits of Europe.
From the West.
For example, I actually know that with my mother,
all her drama comes from this sentence I just said.
It is not that she thinks that I am committing a sin.
It's more like I've let my daughter to be poisoned by Europe.
And it's something that makes me laugh a lot,
especially from people like our parents.
My mother now is very religious.
And you say that Islam has never been instilled in you…
First of all, is what I said the other day,
if you raise a daughter or a son with a white person,
there's a lot of things you have to expect.
And if the child is raised in that country, I don't know,
you better lock me in the house to memorize the Koran.
Then maybe I wouldn't come out as dyke,
but I think I would and knowing the Koran.
I think we all have a little bit of this duality
about your identity.
That's what you were saying, for example,
when I go to Guinea, I am 100% white there.
In Senegal, I am white and as you can see I am not white.
Of course. It is due to the fact,
we have grown up here in Europe,
the way we are dressed, the way we think,
is not the same as what they have.
So you're here and you don't obviously just identify
with society because it's like...
No, not really.
So I think that you have to build your identity...
Sometimes I've come to the conclusion that it is not necessary to say,
"Well, I am such and such..."
Less labels.
Yes, it's a bit more ambiguous in a way…
I don't know, it's like I don't...
I don't want to end up defining myself as Afrocatalan.
I don't know, I don't want to put any label on it
because at the end of the day nothing really represents me,
because there will always be...
I mean, even if I am Catalan
and I was born with the Catalan culture,
somehow society has this racism
against people who are not white,
so I can't quite identify
with a society that in some way is also rejecting me.
So it's like... Well, to find...
I think you need to find the way that you feel comfortable
and also find people with whom you can relate,
who share in some way the same experience as you
and how to be comfortable with this duality.
Sara Glossy! What's up?
Can you hear me?
- Yes, and you? - Yeah, me too.
How many people are we?
We're like six, seven, eight, nine. Maybe ten?
- Eight? - More or less.
I don't think the alcohol-free beers are needed.
Because there's a lot of things.
- You sure? - Yes.
Then I'll get something else or…
We're fine.
- Sit dawn. Sat down? - Sit down.
- Sit down over there. - Sit dawn or sat down?
Sit down.
Sit dawn!
Sit down where you can.
Okay, this is coconut rice, with beans and carrots.
All vegan.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Rosana, the salad for last, right?
- Huh? - The salad for last, right?
It's here.
- I already got it. - I also want some.
- The last thing. Thanks. - It's there.
In my life not only have I had to come out of the closet
and say I'm gay, but I also had to come out
and say that I'm a whore and...
it's crazy that there are people who...
There are whores, sorry, lesbians,
I made a mistake, lesbians who don't accept this.
They have to come out of the closet and live with discrimination,
and when I come out saying I'm a whore,
it's like if they almost had forgotten
that they suffered discrimination too, you know?
And this seems crazy to me.
I have experienced rejection from lesbians talking about my work,
because maybe they see it as...
a betrayal to my sexuality, right?
Which really has nothing to do with my sexuality.
My work has nothing to do with my sexuality.
Our jobs in general
have nothing to do with our sexuality.
It's kind of absurd to think that.
To say, "Oh, you are a nurse, then you're gay, right?"
Our sexuality has nothing to do with our work.
But since I work with my body and I work with sex for my job...
They often relate that my sexuality has something to do with it.
I love this square.
I have many doubts when it comes to calling myself a lesbian,
because then someone will come and say, "you can't be a lesbian because you…
You work with guys."
My job, obviously, is sex work and it involves sex
with cis men.
I feel like there's like a certain level of gatekeeping
and also that idea of being a gold star lesbian,
is also a really good example of gatekeeping, right?
Deciding who is really a lesbian and who is not, right?
A gold star lesbian means
someone who has never ever fucked a guy in her life.
And really if we think that, then we exclude people who don't…
meet those requirements.
So a lot of lesbians wouldn't be lesbians,
because a lot of people lived in the closet or lived other lives
before they came out.
So gatekeeping
can affect any truly marginalized group.
Like trans women,
racialized women, women who are whores,
women with functional diversity.
And really... Yeah, I don't know, it's something
that also happens in many spaces,
not only in the lesbian world, obviously.
Another thing that they never bring up is that I have women clients as well.
There are female clients.
There are female clients who are wonderful.
And I don't know.
I know a lot of very cool lesbians
who have been in a couple for a lot of years,
and they've hired a whore.
I think that's awesome, the coolest thing you can do.
You want a consultation on something sexual,
why don't you… Oops!
If you want a sexual consultation about something in your relationship,
why don't you go directly to a whore who works with sex on a daily basis?
I think this is very cool.
I'm at a point in my life now that, I haven't reached yet,
but I'm reaching it and above all,
and I'll repeat it a thousand times, thanks to therapy,
which is knowing that they will talk whatever you do.
And even more so being women and more so in a Muslim society,
they will talk no matter what you do: That you don't get married;
That you get married.
Like, that you send money,
that you don't send money, why is she not?
Whatever you do, they will talk. This is something that…
has always been one of my biggest traumas,
I just didn't know what to do
to keep my society from talking.
They're going to talk.
If I wear blue, they'll talk; I'm wearing pink, same;
I've shaved my head, "she shaved her head"
but then four black girls do it, "they shaved".
It's like... "you do you and they solve their own problems".
What I am doing is exist without them knowing, you know?
But without hiding it either,
because that is also another burden that we are carrying.
At the time when my Instagram was private,
if I posted pictures with my girlfriend on Facebook,
because I used to do that, "Friend, I love you so much."
Why should I be lying?
Just give the information that you have to give.
I mean, on my Facebook,
which is where I have all my family in Senegal,
I don't have any pictures with Gina.
I post my selfies on Facebook,
me on the beach, me modeling and that's it.
My Instagram is open, they can find it,
I'm not hiding anything,
but I post what I feel like it
because this is my life from here, you know?
- What are you laughing at? - Nothing.
Did your friends ever call you, "Hey, lesbian!"?
Yes... My friends from Las Palmas. My nicknames were black girl and lesbian.
But at that time I didn't see it as a problem
until I started to deconstruct myself, realizing that you can call me girl,
you can call me brown eyes,
you can call me short hair, pink hair, yellow hair
because I used to have colored hair.
But you use black girl and lesbian?
It's like... Your white privilege is showing off,
cause I'm not calling you "white boy!"
or white straight.
You should have.
A bag... this is too big.
Yeah, well, this.
OK. Toys, makeup, tooth brush,
What else?
When I arrive I like to put all my stuff, like...
And, like, in the place... I don't know,
even if I'm not going to use it.
It's like a necklace.
Anyone who has a dissident sexuality
is in danger when we criminalize sex workers.
Because all of those things are so intersectional.
It's impossible to separate it, right?
So, if we criminalize sex workers,
we're also criminalizing trans people.
Queer people, gay people, people with functional diversity.
So it is something that we have to start thinking about,
we are not only fighting for the rights of sex workers,
but so that we can all have sexual freedom,
that we can do what we want in our actions
as long as it is with consent.
My dates with queer people have always been amazing,
very uplifting because maybe there's a different kind of care.
For example, different kind of understanding
also of what sex is.
And sex is not just focused on the straight point of view
of penetration, someone has to cum no matter what.
Dates are more sensual, in general.
We try to connect in a way…
let's say very deep way of connecting,
not only in a sexual way, but also intellectually.
Or maybe there's a different connection.
Obviously, since I'm not a straight person,
when I'm on a date with straight guys,
I feel like I'm role-playing.
Acting in a way where I'm not really that authentic.
And when I'm on my dates with queer people, well...
I don't have to do this acting thing, being an actress,
to do a performance.
It's something more natural and comes out more beautiful.
I don't think it's better or worse,
just that I feel better not having to put on a show
or feel pressure to do that performance, right?
Blackbird!
Let's see if the turtledoves come.
This one works the other way around, I give them a little...
Well, today...
Also in the little houses too.
Oh, there are only husks.
They must be very hungry.
I'll catch you.
Well, let's see if you don't get scared and come.
I think it is very important to consider that you will grow old,
and that you have to get used to it, you have to think about it
because, of course, at the moment,
there are things that we can no longer do,
and this makes you think a little bit,
"Wow, this now, really?"
and instead you still feel young in spirit.
But there are things you don't... You can't.
When I didn't have a partner, sometimes when you think about it
when you're alone, you think about it.
Sure, you'll end up in a nursing home.
But it's always been clear to me, and that's what I've always thought,
even if it's an all-gender nursing home,
that it would be the last thing I would choose,
I will never go back to the closet.
No. Never. I must be accepted or not accepted,
or I just don't go.
Because I had thought about it, that I wouldn't...
Having to hide from being a lesbian
and having to change my life or hide?
Please no, unless another Franco comes along.
What are the advantages of being a dyke.
One, of course, that you can have sexual relations
without the worry of having to create a life.
That this is a relief
from what I've been told by my friends.
Having to create a life how? Ah, to get pregnant, okay.
Bringing life to this planet.
The second one, I invite the male gender people
to get their act together with something, right?
That this body you also know it.
So… You understand each other, you last longer too.
This also happens, the other day we were talking about it,
that we don't get so tired, that we can repeat.
This is a good advantage.
I also think an advantage
would be the fact that there are not so many things written.
In the sense of what should be a relationship between two people
socialized as women or…
non-binary people or people...
There's not as much written
as when it's a cis guy and a cis girl.
Then is like, this so, that so,
and you do the dishes and you keep the house.
In my experience,
I think this is a very nice thing.
And somehow you can rewrite
how you want to relate, how you want to be in bed,
Try to change some ways of doing.
I like this a lot actually.
But I also ask myself, was it necessary?
I mean, was it necessary to take hormones?
Because taking them
has made me change my singing voice.
So I've lost something,
or as my singing teacher says, maybe not,
now I'm taking lessons and maybe I have gained another one.
So, really, I don't want to see it like,
what would happen if I hadn't done it?
But the other way around.
It's just another process that I lived and I liked it and I'd live it again.
And if I went back, I'd do it again.
And maybe later on I'll go back to taking hormones.
But what I do think is that I consider a lot
if I did it for myself or because of the vision of others.
Because of this misogyny, because of this insecurity
and, of course, this is very problematic.
I have not had any surgery,
I haven't made any physical changes,
But I don't question if you want to have surgery.
I mean,
I'm in favor of physical changes in every sense of the word.
Both cyborgs and trans or whatever.
In the end it's all fluid a spectrum.
That's why I already at the beginning
of my deconstruction of gender and sexuality,
I kind of said, "I don't like labels",
so now I'm going back there,
because I don't always feel the same.
Why do I always use the feminine pronouns?
Maybe it's a habit, but I am still a non-binary person.
So I kind of prefer not to have labels,
because in the end it's another object of society
to be able to continue to classify us.
You're a man, you're a woman, you're white, you're black,
you're Chinese, you're a lesbian, you're gay, you're transgender.
But we're all people in the end and we're governed by the same thing.
In the end, the energy that moves us all
is what you said, that is love.
So why do we have to look for labels within this love?
I prefer this fluidity with which I live now
- because I feel... - More comfortable.
It's just that all this has to be changed
from within society.
Honestly, the only people who can change this
are racialized people.
Because a white person, a white man?
How many white gay men have a high position?
How many trans women are there in high positions?
How many white gay men are there in important top companies?
How many black LGBT people do you know who have that?
In the end it's all about the person's oppressions.
After a lifetime, I'm about to turn 40
and I've found this place of peace,
but I also like to think about myself and try not to be rigid
and say, I don't know who I will be in the future.
I don't know what it holds, just like when I was younger
there wasn't all the vocabulary
to define yourself as non-binary.
And this tool worked very well for me.
I don't know if in the future, the new generations
will offer us things that you'll say: "Wow, this is so clever!"
And then this also works for me.
The best thing in the world, is to be able to be something else.
And I think the whole issue of the rigidity
of identities and lesbian identity.
What should be the lesbian identity?
It must be closed and hermetic.
It surely is as a way of protecting itself
from an environment that is very aggressive.
Or even harmful.
But I also like to think that the limits are not so clear.
They are not so marked and can be much more diffuse,
especially because this makes us freer people in the end.
Those born after us will cast a sigh towards me,
who loved with profound determination, towards you, my desire.
TO EVERYONE WE TALKED TO OR CONTACTED AT SOME POINT,
WHO SHARED YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH US: THANK YOU.