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Bro, how long have your shows been till now?
I have the ones where I recorded the audio.
Mumbai was 2 hours 35 minutes.
Chandigarh was 2 hours 10 minutes.
Jaipur was 2 hours 34 minutes.
Pune was 2 hours 20 minutes.
Bangalore was 2 hours 28 minutes.
Hyderabad wasn't 3 hours 45 minutes, just...
...that I didn't close the voice recorder.
So it's an hour of somebody talking for an hour after the show.
Because I have no idea where I'd kept the phone!
Let's see how long Mumbai goes for.
Yes, done. Let's see.
Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for the one and only,
...the very funny, Anubhav Singh Bassi!
Thank you!
Save your strength for the rest of the show.
You guys are shameless, really!
I'm not sober yet, and you want to laugh.
Up there! Don't laugh like this.
It's a long way down.
I've sat on these seats before, okay?
Scoot back, and put on a seat belt, if you have one.
I was about to record this show in Delhi,
...but there were technical issues there.
So I figured, let's do it in Mumbai.
Nobody told me that Mumbai is a no-go in July and August.
Seriously, how are you guys living here?
How do you not kill yourself in this traffic?
Bro, people watch their lives flash by...
...by the time they reach Bandra.
Such a weird city! Such weird traffic!
The map says 30 minutes,
...and 31 minutes later, it's still 30 minutes!
There's this place in Andheri,
...Laxmi Industrial Estate?
I was in the car, saw it outside, then took a nap.
Woke up half an hour later.
And it's still Laxmi Industrial Estate!
I asked the driver, "How many are there?"
He said, "We haven't moved."
I said, "Bro, why though?"
Delhi has a bad reputation for...
...fights on the road for no reason!
They can't happen here!
You can't even open the car door!
How will you even get out to fight, huh?
It's true, guys.
One bucket of water, and the entire city goes into chaos mode.
Gurgaon is great that way.
Soon as it rains, the map spells it out.
Cancel your plans.
There are no more roads for the next three days.
The city is now underwater.
But, it's fine.
There's one more thing I love about your city!
People are happily making out on the road!
There's a road dedicated to it.
And the passion?
How are they doing this on a scooty?
That scooty can barely manage...
...to do what it was made to do!
You're doing this with an umbrella in the rain?
It's brilliant, I drive my car slowly down that road.
So, anyway.
Don't read too much into the show name Stop It, Bassi.
It's the story of my career, written over 4-5 years.
It's listen and leave.
I know all the don'ts from the do's and don'ts of life.
Because that's all I've done.
Us five friends finished college and went to Delhi.
To do something big in life!
Abdul couldn't come, he failed.
The five of us lived in the same flat.
Five boys living together is a bad idea.
Five boys doing anything together is a bad idea!
Five boys shouldn't even be friends.
So college has been over for a few months,
...and we're drinking every night for no reason.
Every night it's cheers to life.
We are losers, we have no life.
We're cheering out of disposable glasses.
Half the time, they'd break as soon as we cheered.
We did for 5 or 6 months,
...and they decided to be productive in life.
So they bought a PlayStation.
And they started playing FIFA.
They've played so much FIFA.
They've scored more goals than Ronaldo and Messi.
When Ronaldo would post on Insta,
...they'd comment saying, "Move along."
I thought, I'll get a job.
I tried, but I just couldn't.
It's a tough nut to crack, guys.
I have to go? Every day?
It's either me, or going every day.
I came to office today,
...so the office can come over tomorrow. Right?
Then again, I went straight to the Supreme Court.
We don't dabble in these small-time courts.
Going to the Supreme Court was a blast.
If I'm going to get insulted, then let it be there.
I had a problem with the clothes we had to wear.
With the gown that we had to wear.
You must have seen that thing in the movies?
Why am I draping a curtain on me?
Who goes to office flying like this?
I did this so many times, hoping for a superpower.
That's the only office dress that the dogs start barking at!
And it gets burnt if you smoke a cigarette!
One minute you're standing and talking,
...the next minute that damn thing is on fire!
If you wear it and go for a haircut,
...the barber just turns it around.
"Dude he came ready for this!"
And I would get dressed up properly for work.
So that nobody asked me questions.
Fake it till you make it.
I would keep four pens in the...
...coat pocket under the gown.
Not one of them worked.
Somebody asked me for a pen one day,
...and I had to tell that it's just the cap.
And my boss was an ass on top of it all!
I'm still not sure if asses become bosses or bosses become asses.
There's definitely a connection there.
Look at him.
His boss is sucking his soul.
And even better if he brought his boss along!
Guys, he didn't pay me a salary the first month!
He told me that they're teaching me the ropes!
And you're telling me this now?
Because I've learnt nothing at all.
I'm just here for shits and giggles.
Somebody asked if I'm a lawyer, and I said no.
I'm dressed up as a bat for a fancy dress.
Let's go outside, and I'll hang out of a tree for you.
Then the chairman called me one day.
He said, "Come Bassi. Let's talk about your salary."
Talk about it?
Are you my friend?
What's there to talk about? Give me a salary, and we're done!
He talked nonsense for 15-20 minutes,
...and gave me 1800 rupees.
Salary.
He said, "You deserve this much."
Deserve?
Do I look like a rickshaw driver, fucker?
What you mean by "deserve this"?
And he gave me a cheque for 1800 rupees.
I didn't mind the cheque.
He didn't even give Saturdays off.
When do I deposit this cheque?
What do I do with it?
This wish-fulfilling note that you've handed over,
...where do I take it?
I took it home, showed to the maid, "Look, the money is here."
It's not in my pocket, but it's right here.
Pin it up in the kitchen, and get cracking!
What do you even do in life with 1800 rupees?
What am I taking somebody out on a date for? Mouth freshener?
"You eat everyday."
"Freshen up your mouth today!"
Just imagine, the 2000 rupee note wasn't out that time.
Imagine the insult.
Right?
Somebody has the note with them.
I have a cheque smaller than that with me!
Which is useless to me!
Still, I did that job for a while.
Then he fired me.
It wasn't a firing, really.
That day, I just felt it coming my way.
If he didn't fire me then,
...then I'll have to request for it.
"Sir, just fire me. It's about time."
He gave me a file,
...and said, "Bassi take this file."
"Reach the High Court at 11 tomorrow, with this file."
I asked, "Sir, is that 11 AM?"
He said yes, so I said, "Let's make it PM."
He told me come on time.
I said that I'll try.
I got home and told the four of them that I have reach at 11 AM.
So obviously, none of us slept the whole night.
We drank all night long, while holding hands.
I had to reach at 11 AM.
So in the morning, I didn't have a hangover.
I hadn't sobered up yet.
I forget where I had to go!
Finally, I start getting everything set.
I'm getting ready, and I can't find my clothes!
My friend Pandit says,
..."Wear the gown over the boxers, who will know?"
"Where the hell will I put my pens?"
"I can't stick them to my chest and go!"
Anyway, I got dressed up properly.
Took the file,
...and reached the gate of the High Court in an auto.
He said, "Bassi, you're here?"
I said, "Am I invisible?"
"What did we drink last night?"
He said, "I can see you, but where's the file?"
I turned to see the auto driving away.
I said, "Sir, I swear that I brought it!"
"And it's going back that way!"
"Hurry up and catch it, the case is headed to the Supreme Court!"
He said, "How about you follow that auto?"
"And go to the office to get your dues."
I asked, "What dues?"
"I'll have made 15-20 bucks by now."
"Just give it to me right now."
"And sir, please give me cash."
"I'll get slapped if I buy cigarettes with a cheque."
And I never went back.
I chilled every day.
Then I prepared for the UPSC.
What's there to laugh about?
I can try to prepare for it, can't I?
I didn't get in.
But that's UPSC's loss, not mine.
If they come to ask, I'll tell them to get lost.
So we were just chilling.
And I asked Pandit, "What do you want to do in life?"
He says, "Let's play FIFA."
I think he missed the word 'Life' in all this."
He said, "I've not thought about it."
So I said, "Yeah, we're not at that age yet."
"But we should think of doing a job or something."
He said, "You go ahead, I'll go play."
So I applied at a few places here and there.
Didn't get a single reply.
I put my CV in the Big 4.
So I was just chilling one day and got a call.
He said, "Hello. We want to hire you."
I thought a friend was fucking with me.
So what happened was...
...that as soon as I graduated, I put this on Facebook.
Advocate at Supreme Court of India.
I forgot to remove that.
Facebook is counting my experience.
Without even telling me.
They called again.
"Hello, I'm so-and-so, and..."
"...we want to hire you."
I said, "I don't want to get hired, so how will you?"
He said, "We've checked your experience."
I said, "I have experience?"
"The only thing I have in experience is my name!"
"I don't know jackshit!"
He said, "You must meet us once if you're free."
I said, "Free is all I am!"
So I figured I'll meet them, what's the harm?
He was a total gentleman.
Had a functioning pen kept in his pocket!
Right?
We talked and he told me about his start-up.
Does everybody know what a start-up is?
Something that's about to shut down.
So, anyway.
He told me about his start-up and what they do there.
I wasn't interested in listening.
I let him talk, thinking he'll shut up and leave soon.
Suddenly he asked, "Bassi, if we hire you..."
"...then what is your salary expectation?"
By the time my brain could process that...
...somebody actually asked this question,
...the guy told me upfront that...
..."We can pay you 35,000 rupees."
I suddenly said, "Thirty-five thousand?"
He said yes. And I asked, "Every month?"
He said yes.
I asked him if I could hug him once.
If I could call him my Daddy.
I was like, let's hurry up and go right now, I feel like working!
I joined right there.
He said come from Monday.
I said, "You come on Monday, I'll go sit there right now."
I went home and told the four boys.
"Guys, got a job that pays 35,000 rupees."
They asked, "To how many people?"
I said, "Just mine!"
They asked, "What do you have to give?"
I said, "Listen!"
"It's a job at a start-up."
They asked, "With what qualifcation?"
I said, "Look, this is my new Daddy."
"Be happy that he's paying 35,000 bucks a month."
"I'm going to work and coming back on a river of booze!"
They said alright.
I joined the start-up.
Now, there was no real issue
I didn't really care about the start-up.
He said a lot of big words in front of me.
Company. Corporation.
Institution.
Meetings.
And some other things.
I had no issuue with it.
But the man was such an idiot.
This dude's start-up was really simple.
The dude said that I'll get a mobile phone.
I'll get calls and have to provide legal consultancy.
I said, "I'll do it, sir."
He didn't say it has be correct.
I'll give out random advice!
I'll teach them a lesson!
"Don't fight like this, now say sorry like good kids."
And if I get a really complicated case,
...then I'll divert the call to a friend.
Somebody who's job is going well.
They'll handle it.
So I said, "Don't worry, sir. You'll be sorted."
"Leave it to me to sort it out."
So I was in a working mood when I went.
I had to provide legal consultancy, alright?
Calls will come on the mobile phone.
I joined the office,
...which this dude had put in the basement.
Yes, you got it.
There was no signal there!
My job became hunting for signal bars on the mobile!
He told me that I would head the Delhi team.
A Delhi team, with a total of two people.
There was me, and another girl.
She was the head of something too.
Neither of us knew what we were heading.
I was a Senior Consultant without a junior!
He had given us one idiotic office boy.
If I asked him for tea,
...he would ask, "In a cup?"
I said, "No, get it in a sprinkler."
"Make it rain down on me."
"That's how we drink it at home."
There was no work.
The phone wouldn't ring.
We would sit and play childish games.
All day long!
She was great at it, she'd beat me every time.
Did he make you sit down?
Where were you going?
- Washroom. - Washroom?
What happened? You didn't let him go?
What if he pees right here?
What did you say?
You said washroom to him?
Were you just saying washroom to each other?
Let him go, I'm feeling so bad now!
Is it urgent?
[pissing sounds]
I shouldn't do this on the recording day!
Sorry! Focus!
Listen, bro.
Don't laugh too hard, okay?
Don't worry, we won't disturb. Let me do the show.
Then one day, I found out that...
...the Delhi office was a branch office.
The head office was in Jaipur.
I figured his geography was weak.
I went outside and called him.
"Sir, this is the capital."
"Call this the head office."
"There's two heads chilling here too."
He said, "Actually, Jaipur has seven people."
And I asked, "It's just 9 of us here?"
He said yes, so I said, "You threw around words bigger than that!"
"Company! Corporation! Institution!"
"Could you have been more shameless about it?"
The guy had HR assigned for 9 people.
I used to really pity that HR person.
She left a good job to come here.
For this nonsense.
So you know what the scene was?
The scene with a start-up is that you can start one if you want.
But don't do a job at a start-up.
Because a start-up happens when a person dreams.
And when you work there, the person shows you a dream...
...about his dream coming true.
Which is now your dream too.
So instead of all this nonsense,
...just get high, watch Inception and go to sleep.
Either way, you're not going to understand a thing!
That HR girl was really dedicated.
She would mail me every day.
"Attend all calls today before going home."
I was like, listen.
I can't even call my home.
What kind of dungeon have you locked me in?
She asked me to send a report to her after finishing work.
But there's no work to do!
What do I send to you?
That we're playing childish games?
So she would send mails,
...and I would reply 'Okay' through a voice note.
She wanted a mailed reply to the mail.
I said, "Did you get the information?"
"That is the purpose of communication."
She said, "No, please send an mail."
I asked why.
She said, "I'm maintaining a record."
I said, "Update your CV and get out of here!"
"Go find a better job somewhere else."
"I'm pretty useless, but why are you wasting your life?"
She didn't understand.
She told the boss that I don't send mails.
And he told me to start sending mails.
I said alright.
Then I learnt how to send mails.
I had never sent one! I had no clue how to!
Sending a mail is so irritating!
First you write the whole thing, then send it.
It says, "Do you want to send this without a subject?"
Oh, just get lost!
Obviously, I want to send it.
And what will I write in that one line...
...that I can't write in the entire mail?
So I sent mails for a few days.
Then I started enjoying it.
It was a pretty fun thing to do.
Forget childish games, I'll play mail mail now.
I'm sending mails first thing in the morning.
"What's up?"
The subject line would be "Subject".
Try it out guys, it is so much fun!
Send somebody a mail with "Subject" in the subject.
The person first tries to refresh it.
They think the mail didn't download.
I would do that.
"Subject" in the subject and "Please find the attachments".
Then I'd get a voice note saying the attachment didn't come.
There is no attachment!
I'm just messing with you!
The Jaipur people were such idiots.
One day, I mailed them with "Attachment 1" "Attachment 2" typed out.
They were clicking on it.
Saying they can't open it.
I said, "It'll be an issue if you did open it!"
I got a call from somebody from the technical team.
I said, "You're a team of one!"
"And calling yourself a Captain."
He said there's a glitch in the system.
I said, "I'm the glitch, dude!"
"I typed it and sent the mail."
One day, I cc'd and bcc'd everybody.
Sorry, I didn't cc or bcc the people.
There was no cc or bcc happening.
Focus!
Yes, so I cc'd and bcc's everyone.
And wrote "Regards" in the mail.
My boss is saying how the mail just says "Regards".
I asked him why can't I just send my "Regards".
I'm not a selfish employee.
I felt the love and I sent it your way.
Just accept my love, okay?
So one day he called when I had an off.
He said, "Bassi, come to Jaipur. We need to talk. It's important."
I said, "Sir, look."
"There's nothing so important in my life,"
"...that I come to a different city to talk about it."
"Just tell me on the phone and I'll say no to it."
He said, "No, you have to come."
I really didn't want to go.
But he booked me a ticket on the Shatabdi.
I went because I wanted the breakfast.
They serve that raw cutlet?
And there's always two tiny peas on the side.
I still don't know what to do with them.
People get angry if you chuck those at them.
You have them too, just go play with it!
Anyway, I reached Jaipur.
I went and looked for his office.
This idiot had taken the basement there too!
I'm going down the stairs.
He says, "Welcome to the company!"
And I said, "Keep quiet, okay?"
"Do you want to get insulted?"
We go there and he says, "My company!"
Corporation.
Institution.
They were sitting around a round table.
They couldn't even complete the circle!
It was a semi-circle!
They used to talk about going to Singapore!
I went and shook everybody's hand, saying hello.
I saw HR and sent a mail saying "Hello!".
We sat down.
Lunch was served.
I was just about to have my first bite.
He said, "Bassi, tell us."
"How can we take our start-up further?"
I said, "I'll go buy my own lunch, it's fine."
"Didn't I tell you to ask me over the phone?"
"I would have said no right then!"
He said, "But tell us your vision."
I said, "Very poor!"
He asked, "What can we do to push this start-up further?"
I said, "Sir, listen. Two points."
"First of all."
"Has it even started?"
"It'll go further after that."
"And it needs to come up, not go further!"
"At least get it to the ground floor."
"We need a signal to come for life to move ahead."
He said, "Of course, we'll do all of that."
So I said, "Just hurry all of that up."
Then he asked a few technical questions.
I ignored them and started eating quickly.
He said, "The way your profile is developing here..."
"...somewhere, I feel that..."
"...this company doesn't need you."
I said, "Honestly sir, this company doesn't need any of us."
"If you stayed at home from tomorrow,
...it won't make any difference at all."
He said, "Still, this is your last warning."
I said, "Alright fine, go to hell."
I came back to Delhi.
I didn't go to office for a few days after,
...so I didn't check my mails.
It was the month end, so I was waiting...
...for the salary to be credited to go live it up.
It didn't come.
I told the four boys that the salary didn't come.
So Pandit tells me to call him up and threaten him!
Threaten to quit the job!
I called and said, "Sir!"
"I'll leave the job!"
He said, "Check your mail."
I asked why, and he said, "I've fired you already."
I said, "Daddy!"
"Thirty five thousand, Daddy!"
"I've taken a loan of forty thousand!"
"I'll have to pay it back!"
But he still fired me.
I was sad for a few days.
But then I saw that...
...he forgot to take my mail ID and password.
So my job was still going on!
I sent a mail at 1:30 at night saying, "I will miss you all".
Each word in a separate mail.
"Where is my salary?"
"Will you give."
"Question mark."
I didn't put the question mark, I wrote it.
Question.
Mark.
I sent off all these mails.
The technical team guy called in the morning.
"Bassi dude, stop sending him mails."
"His BP is always a little high."
"He takes out his phone to check two things."
"Whether you've mailed."
"Or whether funding has come."
I said, "Why did you tell me that?"
I put "Funding" in the mail and sent it.
And then he fired me properly.
And then we chilled again for a few days.
Then one day, we wanted to tease Pandit.
We asked, "Pandit, what do you want to do in life?"
He got all serious, and said...
..."Guys, the five of us should take a three month break."
The other four were lying down and then sat up.
I said, "Bro, how do you take a break from a break?"
In one breath, he said...
..."Actually, we don't have perspective in our life..."
"...which is why we take the wrong direction and fail."
"Once we get perspective in our life,"
"...we'll go in the right direction and be successful!"
The four of us rushed at him.
We knew he had pot in his pockets.
And he's not sharing it with us!
We searched, and we found it!
I told Pandit to wait for 15 minutes.
So we could be on the same page,
...and then listen to this topic again.
We'll definitely understand it.
We asked him again after 15 minutes.
He said we needed perspective in life.
We said of course we do!
It's an important thing to have!
Where can we find it? Let's go!
So we took a break.
First we went to Kasaul for a week.
We found other stuff, not perspective.
Brilliant.
Then we ran out of money.
We figured we'll look for it in Delhi, it'll be cheaper.
So we came back to Delhi.
The five of us didn't even know what perspective is!
Five boys, with the speaker on...
...full volume every single night...
...are listening to Sadhguru.
While we drink.
Sadhguru is saying nice things,
...and we're doing cheers together!
Sadhguru is being paused...
...because we forgot to put in ice cubes.
Sadhguru said it all, to leave the house.
Understand people's sorrows.
We did get out of the house.
People understood our sorrows.
I'm wondering if we saw the video in reverse!
We watched every video with the word...
...'Perspective' on YouTube.
And I got really messed up one day.
I hope it never happens to anybody else.
Guys.
A friend of mine had a good job,
...so I decided to meet him.
And steal some of his perspective.
I was going to meet him.
I downed a quarter and left home in the morning.
We were on a break! Don't judge me!
So I...
...hadn't seen the sun in days when I left.
It made my high go even higher.
Ruined all of my calculations.
I got to the metro station, and stairs were out of the question.
The lift it is.
I got so messed up.
That day is when I first found out...
...that some lifts open from both sides!
No fucking idea!
Really!
I got into the lift with three other people.
I pressed the button, and the doors shut. That's how it works.
The lift went up,
...and the lift stopped.
And the lift went down again!
What the hell was that about?
And the three people disappeared on top of that!
I was shitting my pants! Where were these three people?
I clearly remember seeing three people here!
Where were these fuckers going in such a hurry?
Couldn't they see me facing the other way?
Just tap me on the shoulder!
Why are you ruining my life?
They left without any warning!
It went down and opened from the same side.
I just ran back home!
Like I'd new powers, not perspective!
People are disappearing behind me!
I went home and told all of them.
"Get me some tea or I'll zap you out of existence, fuckers!"
Then we discussed it for a week.
How else can we use my powers?
My friend Chaudhary asked me to get rid of his dad.
Then all the money will come to us!
I liked this idea, I could have done that.
One day, Pandit says that there was nobody else in the lift.
I asked what he meant?
He said, "A lift has mirrors on three sides."
"So you saw yourself over there!"
I said, "You're just jealous of my power."
"I'll make you disappear tonight, understood?"
Then somebody told us that the doors open from both sides.
I felt so bad.
I lost all my powers.
But then I figured that...
...it could have been much worse.
This was still doable.
Really.
Thank God that nobody came...
...on the lift after they left!
Imagine three kids going up the lift...
...and three uncles getting in after they left.
And if I had turned around then.
"Kids? What the fuck!"
"You grew up already?"
"Since when have we been in the lift?"
So our break was almost about to end.
We didn't find perspective.
We were having a round table conference one day.
We were drinking of the floor, guys.
Pandit was one peg ahead of us.
He suddenly finished his peg,
...and just stood up straight.
He said nothing.
We figured it was the booze.
We'll be up with the next peg too.
So we kept our pegs to the side.
We wanted to see what was going on first.
We'll have to tell his family what happened to him.
We're annoying him too.
"Pandit?
Pandit!"
He said, "I found perspective!"
I said, "Show me what it looks like!"
He said, "It's all in my head!"
I said, "Then sit down and tell us about it!"
So he sits down.
I ask, "Is the booze alright?"
He says yes, so I said, "Fine, then talk."
You won't believe what he said.
"I've decided that the five of us...
...will become entreprenuers!"
I said, "That word sounds awesome!"
And only three out of us five could say the word out loud.
Not one out of the five knew the spelling.
One of them started with 'A'.
I told him to calm down.
We won't tell anybody what happened here.
We asked Pandit how to become an entrepreneur.
He said, "A start-up!"
I said, "Don't ever say that word."
"I haven't recovered from the last one."
He said, "Your boss didn't have perspective!"
"He was dumb, we'll be different."
I asked, "What's so different?"
He said, "We don't even need funding."
I said, "How will we manage?"
He said, "We'll borrow the money!"
"Then we'll stop taking their calls!"
I said, "We do that anyway!"
So he says, "Same thing, but larger scale!"
I said, "Great, let's do it!"
He told us everything.
We'll put money in our start-up once,
...and the money will grow on trees!
We'll have so much money, we won't be able to count it!
Safari trips in six months, Ferrari rides in a year.
All five of us will go to Goa in a Ferrari.
We had no idea that a Ferrari doesn't fit five people.
We were ready for it.
This sounds like a plan.
We asked Pandit the idea for the start-up.
He said, "That's your problem!"
I said, "Wait, did you just read the first chapter?"
We sat down and discussed start-up ideas.
Some of the ideas that night were so shit,
...that if they were made public,
...then for the first time in India's history,
...the President would shoot five kids on sight!
This kind of youth is not needed in the country, thanks.
Our friend Chaudhary.
He put his hand up like this to give his start-up idea.
He's saying, "May I?"
He was sitting right here.
His "May I" danced across my face.
Dude, just say it!
He said, "We'll go hem and tailor sarees from house to house!"
We waited for him to say it's a joke for two whole minutes.
He didn't say it!
I said, "Chaudhary, hem and tailor?"
We don't even know if it's two words or one?
Do you need a machine? Your mouth? What is it?
And we'll do it at home?
I said, "Chaudhary, we're law graduates!"
"Think of something decent."
He said, "This was the best I could do."
I told him to go drink in the corner.
Then another idea was to go deliver cigarettes at night.
We looked at each other,
...and figured we'd smoke all of them.
It won't like nice to reach a customer,
...smoking their cigarettes,
...because their house was too far for us.
Not a feasible idea.
Finally, by the morning...
...we trashed a lot of ideas and...
...came to the conclusion that we'll open our own restaurant.
I don't know why we thought that would work.
Nobody had a problem with it.
The five of us did a "Hurray!".
Gave it a unique name like 'Fast Food Restaurant'.
Took a loan from some guy and blocked him.
He was asking us to pay it back!
Does that make sense?
Give and forget.
We also took it and forgot.
We got some more money from other places then.
Because demonetization had just hit.
So at that time, people were looking...
...for accounts to put money in.
We had those accounts.
We were those people.
A friend of ours called.
His dad must have had money, so he called.
"Bro, do you have space in your account?"
I said, "That's all I have!"
He asked...
..."If I want to put some money in?"
I said, "Do exactly as you want, bro!"
I've done the passbook entries by hand.
Really!
There's nothing in it.
He said, "If we do put the money,"
"...will there be an income tax issue?"
I said, "Bro, as far as I know..."
"...for income tax, the first thing you need is an income!"
"Which I have none of!"
"And if the income tax people saw my balance,"
"...they'll let me use the old notes."
"Let this poor child breathe, guys."
I had 37 paise in my account!
I wouldn't hide my PIN at the ATM.
I would hide the screen!
So that nobody could see my balance!
Otherwise they'll hug me...
...about the tragedy I'm facing.
Your account doesn't have enough money for a slip.
I told a guy in the ATM to...
...step back a little.
He said, "I won't look at your PIN."
I said, "3452."
PIN isn't even a concern!
I want to hide the screen, that's all.
My balance was always less than my PIN.
I had to change it to 0000.
So that the balance doesn't feel bad.
You know the Delhi metro?
You get a metro card, with a security deposit...
...of 50 rupees.
That was my Fixed Deposit!
I would always think...
...that we'll break the FD, it's all good!
This girl really shocked the hell out of me one day.
We were at the metro.
She swiped her metro card.
The card had 1500 rupees in it!
I got shit scared, for a second I thought...
...she's put her ATM card instead!
It's fine, you won't get it.
We'll talk about it when you have a metro.
So, then.
We got the money, so we started.
We took a shitty shop in a lovely market.
That shop had one chef and two helpers.
And five owners!
Five being two jaat, two gujjar and one pandit.
Food industry knowledge? Zero.
Business sense?
Negative.
Respect? We haven't heard about it.
We'd sit there looking pretty, because entrepreneurs!
Chaudhary couldn't even say it!
It was always, "What he said."
Nobody came to our shop in four or five days.
We couldn't get there for two days.
We just kept sleeping.
The guy with the good luck charms showed up.
We asked him what's up?
He said, "This will protect your luck."
I said, "We're good with bad luck too!"
Let something happen!
We made him a customer!
"Order something and go, okay?
So we...
...bought that register that separates the notes.
Each slot had ten rupee notes!
We had 55 rupees worth of assets.
The five of us would protect it.
With a padlock.
We had five keys to it.
We had the keys kept on our waist.
We were proper housewives.
The five of us would surround it.
"What should we do with this much cash?"
"Should we buy the Ferrari in cash?"
We would be messing around,
...while somebody comes from...
...another shop to break up 2000 bucks.
First we got him to show us the note.
I said, "Just take the house keys."
"There's a cheque for 1800 rupees there."
"Go get your change from that, go!"
"Don't annoy us, okay?"
"We have perspective to find."
Then after two weeks, we figured...
...that people weren't coming...
...because we didn't distribute any of the...
...pamphlets we got printed.
They were sitting there, and we ignored them every day.
Then we figured we should distribute them.
So we hired a guy.
Gave him 100-150 pamphlets.
He ran away with them.
We found someone just like us!
Then we wasted some time looking for him.
We decided to take the responsibility ourselves.
So we would distribute them outside the shop.
Some people would take them, some wouldn't.
Haven't you seen boys standing outside, distributing them?
You guys ignore them and leave.
Just take one, alright?
Go throw it away later.
Somebody's finding perspective.
We would distribute them, and you know...
...there came a time when too many people ignored us.
And then we felt bad.
Then we started ignoring the people.
We would hold the pamphlet and the person would reach for it,
...and we'd tell them to get a move on!
So the five of us would stand outside.
And the five of us were bulky.
So people coming there would think we're fighting.
Because we would be so hyper.
They would see us and turn around.
We're not just messing with...
...our profits, but everybody's profits.
We're not letting customers enter the lane!
All the shopkeepers there...
...would ask us to go sit inside.
We said no, it's our perspective time.
Stay away.
We were just joking around...
One day we made a chain
We surrounded 2 guys coming our way,
pulled them inside and told them, "Come inside, we'll eat something."
And they even ate!
We were like, "This is so cool!"
We'll pick up people and drag them inside!
Then, the neighbouring shop owners told us,
have some decency.
We were like, "Okay, we will do it with decency."
We were standing outside nicely.
Distributing pamphlets.
While talking in English.
A 17-18 year old kid comes, so full of himself.
I don't know why he looked happy.
Chaudhary gave him a pamphlet.
He took it.
Tore it up.
Said fuck off.
And then walked off.
We made a chain.
Surrounded him.
We said, "Listen up, you naive child!"
"We know this shop will shut down."
"But we know we won't."
"Why did you try to insult us?"
Chaudhary turned his face to his own.
We said, "Don't hurt him! Customer is king!"
He said, "Maybe from tomorrow!"
Gives him a premium slap.
And we're hi-fiving behind him.
"What a shot! Amazing!"
They boy got slapped and told us to wait there.
I said, "Where will we run off with our shop?"
"We're staying here, you get moving!"
He said, "I'll be right back!"
We said, "Is that a threat?"
He said yes, so we got pumped!
We're going to fight, and have fun.
We hadn't had a single fight since college!
So we said, "Go, go! Hurry up! We're waiting."
He went, and we went to get the large spoons from the shop.
They weren't getting used anyway.
Everybody collected their instruments.
Pandit brought a plastic bucket.
We asked, "Who will you take down with this, O warrior?"
He went and sat on it.
He said, "I'll enjoy the fight!"
We were wondering if we had that option too.
Chaudhary took a huge spoon...
...and put it in his t-shirt.
What was he doing?
He said, "When he comes back,"
"...then I'll take it out like this!"
"Just see, he'll get scared!"
I just agreed.
We practiced outside.
The kid came, and brought a policeman along.
We threw away our spoons!
This was out of syllabus for us!
Who finds a policeman for getting slapped?
The policeman is standing, asking questions.
"Who's the owner?"
I said, "Sir, ask who all are the owners?"
He said, "Who all?"
I said, "All of us!"
He said, "I don't have that many people back at the station!"
"What are you guys up to?"
I said, "Why are you here?"
He said, "Did you beat this boy up?"
I said, "Little little."
"One slap. This guy."
I gestured to Chaudhary and he's doing this in front of the police.
"Dude, he'll beat you up with that!"
The policeman is on a different tangent.
"This boy told me everything, you ganged up on him!"
"You'll be put in for IPC section 323."
Pandit got up from the bucket.
He says come here.
Then said, "We are lawyers!"
Guys, just one out of us five remembered...
...and the other four went in a chorus, "Oh yeah!"
"We're lawyers, aren't we?"
We said, "Hey, we're lawyers, okay?"
He said, "You can still be arrested."
I said, "Being a lawyer doesn't help?"
He said no, so I asked, "Then why did we tell him?"
I asked Pandit, "What is 323?"
He said, "I'm an entrepreneur, bro."
We would have given him some money and sent him away.
He shut down our shop for a day.
We lost millions.
We didn't sell anything, but we had fun.
Because we had such fun characters in life.
Chaudhary has made life so much fun for us.
The hem and tailor guy.
How do I explain Chaudhary?
He's a fucking moron.
Certified.
Honestly, when you talk to him, it feels like...
...he wasn't in the room when they were handing out the brains.
His stomach rules his head.
He's such a useless fellow.
He got a voice note on his phone one day.
I asked him to forward it.
He sent me a screenshot of it.
I can see that there's a voice note.
But it's not like I can listen to it.
After that, he sends me a voice note...
...asking why I didn't listen to it.
We call him our best friend.
Because we don't want anybody else to have him.
He'll get murdered if he joins another friend group.
We're the only ones dealing with him.
He's really useless.
You know how he missed his flight once?
The TV with the Delayed status and all?
He took a photo of it and went to the lounge.
Then he checked the photo every ten minutes,
...wondering why it's still delayed.
He legit has the funniest questions.
Don't judge the guy yet, listen to the question first.
We were standing at a metro station in Delhi.
He calls me over and says, "Bro, I have a question."
I knew it would be something idiotic.
He was holding his stomach-brain.
He says, "Look, bro."
"They made one escalator to go up."
I said yes.
"They made one to go down too."
I said yes.
"So why did they make one staircase?"
Guys.
Both departing metros came screeching back.
People stormed out of the windows.
Just to show him that...
...one staircase is enough.
You don't need two staircases.
We started putting an I-card on his neck from then.
At least he'll get dropped home if he's beaten up.
I looked at his phone and...
...saw a WhatsApp group with him and his younger sister.
Guys, a group with two people.
Why aren't you guys just chatting?
The group is called "Big Bro and Big Sis".
What do I call that, even?
How is she the big sister if you're the big brother?
But they're happily at it.
Guys.
This was a recent thing.
Us friends were going on a flight.
He was the last to enter the airport.
We got to the security check.
He went to the guard.
Checking happened.
The guard said turn around, so he turned around.
The guard said go, so he went.
Have you ever seen a security guard...
...do their own checking?
He was panicking about having a bomb strapped to him.
We ran out and...
...told him our boy is useless.
We made him come back.
Lets go!
He's coming and saying, "The guy asked me to leave."
I said yes.
It's all our fault. Just move now.
When we were at the university in Lucknow,
...we were going to Bangalore to play a tournament.
Our team didn't have a ticket and we were late.
We said no worries, we'll figure at the railway station.
We went to the station, looked up the Bangalore train.
There was no AC or Sleeper ticket available.
I asked Chaudhary to go in the General Compartment.
He said, "We're not taking General."
I asked why.
He said, "We'll get even more late then!"
For five minutes after, we also wondered...
...if the general compartment gets left behind.
We'll all reach at the same time!
Guys, from Lucknow to Bangalore.
Almost a day and a half.
This boy could not understand the concept.
The train was genuinely late in reaching.
So he goes, "I told you so!"
He was leaving my hostel room once.
I told him, "Just turn off..."
"...the last two switches when you leave."
Is this a numerical?
He turned off the last two switches.
One from here.
And one from here.
How do you manage that?
How dumb do you have to be?
This is a switchboard.
It has four switches.
Chaudhary stood in front of it.
"Both of the last switches."
"So this is today's challenge."
This one is last from here.
And this one is last from here.
If I had said the last three,
...he would died right there.
Like, this was too tough for me.
We gave this brilliant man a Roadies level task one day.
There was a whiteboard and marker at our shop.
We gave it to him to write something attractive on it.
And keep it outside.
Maybe the customers will read it and come inside.
Even if he had just written "Attractive" on it,
...we would have forgiven him.
But he put his stomach-brain to it.
The guy wrote...
..."Free Entry!"
I asked, "Chaudhary, is this an amusement park?"
"Is this a night club?"
"Listen, write Stag Entry Not Allowed under it."
The five of us can leave then.
We told him to just erase it and keep it aside.
So he showed up first to the shop, the next day.
Without telling us,
...he wrote something on it.
Which he had read somewhere.
He wrote "We bake our own bread."
That's the Subway slogan!
He figured that it looked great.
So we should put it up too.
We used to buy bread from the shop next to us.
There wasn't a back door either.
It was done if front of everybody.
With the money that the customer just gave to us.
We'd go after getting an order!
One order for a sandwich, and we all ran out.
"Uncle, give us bread! We have an order!"
The guy ordering asked, "What's written here, then?"
I asked, "What does it say?"
Chaudhary, you fucking moron!
So we suspended Chaudhary.
Don't show us your face for three days.
He says, "What do I do?"
I said, "Send me a mail!"
He would mail us with, "How's the sale?"
We would reply, "Low, sir!"
We had a good concept.
We couldn't execute it.
We had an amazing concept.
The bun of the veg burger?
That will be green in colour.
Non veg?
Red coloured.
Isn't it amazing?
The only problem was that...
...these red and green buns...
...had to be ordered a day in advance.
So we would order a 100 pieces.
We would sell 2 burgers.
And 98 of those buns would go bad every day.
Five boys would be standing in front of a park,
...feeding them to the cows.
"Come on, eat them! You're looking weak!"
"We're entrepreneurs! Trust us, come on!"
We're giving these buns to the cow.
Pandit is saying, "Don't feed the non-veg one to the cow."
It's not the actual burger!
The cow became pretty frank with us.
Showed up in the afternoon one day.
"Give me the fresh ones, not the stale ones."
"They're not going to sell anyway."
We knew that the shop would shut down.
But we thought we might get beaten up before that.
We were doing some really dumb stuff.
The first time I thought we'd get beaten up...
...is when Pandit delivered a burger...
...without a patty.
I came out of the kitchen...
...to see a patty kept next to the counter.
Just like that. Naked.
I asked Pandit where it came from.
He's going ohh!
"It didn't come, but it did have to go somewhere."
The best part is that the burger...
...was called Veg Surprise Burger.
The guy who ordered it must have been surprised.
"Mummy, it's definitely a surprise!"
"They don't even put a patty in this one."
"You have to imagine the taste."
The toothpick they use to keep the burger together?
He put that in.
I asked, "What were you keeping together?"
He said, "Shit, dude! We wasted a toothpick."
I said, "Go check your ratings!"
It's just that Zomato...
...didn't have a negative rating option.
Otherwise we'd get to minus 300 or 400.
We would get reviews...
...that made us laugh and cry with shame.
A guy wrote this review.
"The only thing good here is the Thums Up."
We commented below, "Try the Sprite!"
We have slowed down...
...Swiggy's lightning fast delivery.
We should get an award.
The Swiggy guy came.
Pandit took his bike to go find a smoke.
The same policeman caught him midway.
So he left the bike there and came back!
Swiggy guy is just holding his packet.
Asking, "What do I do now?"
I'm say, "You're getting late, start moving!"
The first time we saw a man walking on foot with a helmet on his head.
Pandit is making a video of him,
..."look at the moron walking on foot!"
We put up a board in the shop too,
...for people to leave their reviews.
We had tons of confidence.
We wrote half the reviews.
They were still decent.
Chaudhary's reviews
Chaudhary's first review said,
..."Good review."
I said, "Chaudhary, did you just..."
"...review the review in the review?"
"The word review shouldn't come in the review, okay?"
"Write something else."
Bro wrote "very good".
I figured that it's progress.
"What is very good?"
He said, "Everything is very good."
I said, "It looks fake, so think about it first."
Bro wrote "very good delivery!".
I said, "Chaudhary, listen to me."
"A customer has come to eat at your shop."
"He thought the delivery was the best?"
"Did we go drop him home as well?"
"What do this even mean?"
The couple of...
...genuine reviews there?
We took one of them down.
It said "Owner is hot. Sakshi."
That caused a fight.
How was Sakshi to know there were five owners?
The five of us are happy all night.
The drinks are hitting different.
Cheers to Sakshi!
Any time a girl would cross the shop next day,
...we'd yell, "Sakshi!"
"I'm not Sakshi!"
"Come on, Sakshi!"
"We'll give this entire empire to you. Come!"
We ran a code 'Sakshi123' on Zomato.
Pandit said, "There's five of us, so put 4-5 too."
What a fucker.
He was mad.
It wasn't just our fault, okay?
People were at fault too.
They would say the most idiotic things.
Can't you see that we know nothing at all?
Don't come and say stupid stuff.
This stupid little kid comes and asks me,
..."Are chicken samosas real, brother?"
I said, "Chicken samosa is real?"
He said yes, so I said, "Great, get in and start making them!"
We locked him in the kitchen.
He's banging at the gate.
"There's no such thing, I was lying."
I told him to get running.
"Don't show your face here again."
One day was so funny, I was behind the counter.
Pandit standing outside the counter.
It was his birthday.
Everybody has one.
It's all good.
He was dressed up.
Nehru jacket, pocket square.
He had a birthday cap on.
A tiny one.
With the elastic.
He looked like a witch.
We were chatting,
...when this girl comes up and asks him,
..."Excuse me, do you have chipotle sauce?"
Pandit did this,
...and the elastic broke off.
His cap fell over.
He looked at me,
...and I said no way!
Happy Birthday!
The girl asked again, "Do you have chipotle sauce?"
Pandit, that asshole, took out his pocket square...
...and started cleaning the tables.
An owner with 20% stake,
...is using his own pocket square,
...on his own birthday,
...to clean an already clean table.
Because we have no clue what she just asked for!
She turned towards me,
...and I stopped her right there.
I didn't even have a cloth.
She came to me and asked, "Do you have chipotle sauce?"
I came to the other side of the counter.
I said, "I'm also a customer, actually."
"I'm here to get the same thing that you want."
"Let's ask for it together!"
I don't even know if it's edible...
...or a floor cleaner. What is it?
People should get their own tissue paper.
People have the nerve to ask for it.
We've counted each sheet.
That's the only thing selling.
A boy came up to us one day.
We never gave out extra tissues.
One burger meant one tissue paper.
Buy one more burger for one more sheet.
He said he's not hungry, so we said we'll eat it.
Just buy one more burger.
That's how you get tissue paper.
This other boy stood between the tissue paper...
...and the menu cards.
He's not ordered anything.
He's just reading the menu, picking up a tissue paper...
...and then he threw it.
First of all, boys shouldn't even be allowed.
Girls do it because they put something on the face.
Guys can just wipe it off and clean it with the wall.
He went to pick up another tissue paper, and...
...ten eyes were watching him do it.
He picked up a second one.
Pandit caught his hand when he went for the third one.
He said, "Come, let me wipe it with my clothes. Come."
"You asshole, run away or I'll mess you up!"
We took two rupees from him.
One day a caught a customer red-handed.
He was lying.
He wanted a discount for three burgers.
I asked, "For what joy?"
He said, "I'm a regular customer here!"
First we laughed at him.
Then we asked him, "Are you a cow in disguise?"
I said, "We have exactly one regular customer..."
"...and we have to go to her every day."
"That line can backfire too, alright?"
One day, our chef took an off.
Closing the shop would have made sense.
But we figured we've never ever made sense.
We didn't get an order all day.
In the evening, this boy walks in with a 50 rupee note.
And we were just staring at the note.
As soon as he was in range,
...I stole his note.
"You have to eat here now!"
He asked for maggi, and we had maggi.
He asked, "How much?" and we said, "Exactly this much!"
He asked, "What flavours?"
We said, "Whatever we can manage to cook."
So he asked for a maggi.
We tried to decide who'll make it, in front of him.
I lost, so I said I'll cook it.
I shouldn't have cooked it.
I was not in my senses.
I went into the kitchen, and shut the gate.
I didn't want my recipe to be stolen.
Then something struck me while making the maggi,
...that it's time to get creative.
I took all of the...
...stuff that was lying around...
...little little...
...and added everything in it.
I put asafoetida in the maggi!
This potion that I concocted,
...I cooked it for a while.
I took off the lid,
...and Sanjeev Kapoor's soul came out.
"Dude, this made me forget cooking,"
"...what the hell did you make?"
My maggi turned out to be light blue.
I still don't know where the colour came from.
I think the maggi just gave up and died.
I took it out of the kitchen,
...and Chaudhari says, "Oh! Blue Lagoon Maggi!"
The boy looked it and said,
..."Give me my money back."
We had to give him four cigarettes.
We'd bought cigarettes by then.
Why else would we take the money?
Even the cow wouldn't eat it.
We kept the maggi in front of the cow,
...and it turned away and left.
She said, "We're not that close."
"You can't put anything in front of me."
We had a competitor.
He didn't have any sales either!
He did an act of vengeance.
Vengeance.
Should I explain it?
There was no need for it, as such.
It was just his own imagination.
So what happened was,
...we were standing outside 24Seven one night.
We beat up this guy just for fun.
You know, just to catch up with him.
Turned out to be his delivery boy.
So he thought we did this on purpose.
He accused us of wanting to shut down his shop.
I said, "My friend, listen up."
"When we're not making an effort to start ours,"
"...why will we make an effort to stop yours?"
"We didn't know, we had no interest."
But he didn't believe us.
There's been so many times...
...that we've all stood outside our shop.
To make fun of the customers.
A guy comes and asks for the owner, and we say, "No idea!"
"We've been waiting for a while too!"
We made him wait for 10-15 minutes,
...and when he left, we said, "Look at that idiot going home hungry!"
Why would we shut somebody else's shop?
He just didn't get it.
So in an act of vengeance,
...he sent a food inspector to our shop.
The food inspector tried to find the food for half an hour.
He couldn't find it.
He opened the fridge after half an hour,
...and there were two beers inside.
He took out the beer and asked, "What is this?"
Chaudhary said the dumbest thing to him,
...that we just surrendered.
"Please arrest us."
"And give him the death sentence."
Chaudhary said, "Aren't you a food inspector?"
"Why are you checking the drinks?"
He put Chaudhary's hand on his chest,
...and said, "Honestly, are you a lawyer?"
We said, "Little, little."
Somebody gave us this advice...
...to do night deliveries.
There are other nocturnal people like you.
Make friends with them, and there's scope for business.
We agreed to do it.
That guys was making fun of us, we thought he's helping.
So we started night delivery.
We sorted all the permissions,
...to keep the store open till late.
Do deliveries in the night.
We didn't consider one thing, though.
Not one of us is sober at night.
That shop was a total comedy show after 9 PM.
The nearby shopkeepers...
...would watch the show before...
...they went home.
"Look at these morons go at it!"
One day, we did a performance for all of them.
We stepped out,
...and started dancing for them.
Seriously.
We were just doing whatever we felt like.
An order came through Zomato.
Chaudhary picks it up and says, "We didn't order anything!"
Zomato says you have to accept the order.
Chaudhary says, "Why should we?"
He cut the call. No fucks given.
A boy comes to the shop and said,
..."Who'll take the order?"
I said, "Guess who'll take it."
"The right guess gets you your order."
Then came that one terrible night.
Pandit and I...
...went to deliver food at 1:30 in the night.
And we just forgot...
...to take the food.
We didn't forget, we were fighting over the bike.
Pandit started the bike, so I ran and sat on it!
We felt the cool breeze, and we left!
We're standing on the second floor of a building.
I pressed the bell.
I looked at Pandit and asked, "Where's the food?"
He's asking, "Where's the food?"
The boy comes out and asks, "Where's the food?"
I figured that...
...max to max,
...I'll say, "Sorry, we forgot it on the bike, and we'll just get it."
That was fine.
That would have worked.
The sheer nonsense that Pandit spoke that day.
The moment he asked, "Where's the food?"
Pandit says, "What food, brother?"
The guy says, "Didn't you come to deliver food?"
Pandit says, "You don't know our restaurant's concept?"
Even I don't know the concept.
"We've come to pick you up!"
"Hurry up, the food is getting cold back there!"
He was so loud about it,
...that the guy picked up his shirt from behind the door.
He's wearing it and saying,
..."Do you really just take the customer?"
We figured we may as well, if he's such a moron.
We brought him on the back of the bike.
We got him to the shop and gave him his food.
Then we said, "Bye, now."
We don't have the concept of dropping you back.
This is it for our very good delivery.
A friend of ours showed up with a Scorpio.
One of him and five of us.
Six people, with an order of 180 rupees.
We left the shop wide open.
And went to deliver the order in a Scorpio.
Our mood changed midway,
...so we went to Murthal to eat paranthas.
The customer called, "The order isn't here!"
I said, "Neither is ours, dude."
"Don't sleep yet! We're coming with paranthas."
One night, neither of us wanted to go for delivery.
Pandit is trying to convince the customer!
"Bro, just come on down to the shop."
"We're too tired, we don't want to come."
"Fine, let's meet halfway, alright?"
The guy is saying, "It says free home delivery!"
I said, "Yeah, the shop is our home."
"Just come on down."
He didn't agree, so we booked a cab.
Put the food in it and sent it.
Pandit called the customer,
..."4362. Swift Dzire. Okay?"
"Your food is coming in a cab."
"Don't throw a tantrum now, okay?"
He must be wondering how rich we were.
Sent the food in a cab?
Finally, somebody gave us this advice...
...to add shakes to our menu.
Then we can sell it as a meal.
Like KFC and...
...McDonald's.
Notice our competition, okay?
We figured we need to kick them out of the market.
So we decided to add shakes.
We started making shakes.
We didn't have the money to hire a boy to make shakes.
We hired Pandit instead.
We said, "Pandit, you are the HOD of this department from now on."
"Go make shakes."
We would learn how to make shakes on YouTube.
And then forget it all ten minutes later.
Because when the video was on,
...we all figured somebody else must be listening.
Nobody was listening.
I swear, we made so many shakes on so many days.
Not a single shake...
...tasted the same.
We made something new every day!
Customer asks for a shake like yesterday.
We say, "Yesterday was past tense."
"Today's shake is a mystery!"
"Even we don't know what it'll be like!"
We got KitKat for a KitKat shake,
...got high, and ate it ourself.
Customer says, "I can't taste the KitKat."
We said, "But we can taste it, dude!"
"You are the problem here."
We're talking nonsense too.
One says Kit, the other says Kat!
It took us a few days to figure out...
...whether it's Mo-Jee-To or a Mo-Hee-To.
A mojito was ordered,
...and five boys are muddling the mint for it.
Expecting the customer to tell us where to go from there.
Because we have no idea by now.
We have enough mint for days.
We're just being mean.
Customer says, "One virgin mojito."
We say, "You're the virgin here!"
This had to be the only restaurant in the world...
...where if the customer would order a shake,
...the owners would tell them that...
...show us how it's made on YouTube.
Because we had ran out of data.
So the customer is standing with the video.
And getting scolded for it!
We're saying, "Hold the damn phone straight!" while making it.
"Can't do one thing right,"
"...but want to drink shakes like a king?"
"I won't make it, so hold it properly!"
Three boys came and ordered three different shakes.
Pandit kicked them out.
He said, "Alright then, little idiots."
"You think I'll wash the mixie thrice for you guys?"
"Go, and come back when you've chosen one."
Pandit wouldn't even take the order.
Customers would order, and he'd say, "Can't you see I'm busy?"
"With what?" "I'm thinking!"
He was just crushing ice cubes in the mixie one day.
We asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "Making water, it's so much fun!"
I mean, just do some work!
Pandit is such an asshole.
There was this really cute 7-8 year old kid.
He ordered an Oreo shake.
That kid just had one wish,
...to watch his Oreo shake being made.
Pandit figured this out.
The kid was sitting with his chin on the counter.
He was looking at Pandit make it.
Pandit put all the ingredients inside.
And as soon as the mixie turned on,
...the kid got up in his excitement.
Pandit saw that.
He switched it off.
He switched it on, and the kid got up again.
He switched it off again.
He called all of us over.
"Look, that idiot will get up now!"
Switched it on, he got up.
"Look, look!"
"Are we going to drink a shakey shakey today?"
It took him half an hour...
...to make the shake.
The Oreo you put on top of an Oreo shake?
Chaudhary held that Oreo for half an hour.
His patience finished.
Chaudhary licked the cream off that Oreo...
...right in front of the kid.
And then put it on top!
I said, "What did you just do?"
He said, "It doesn't ruin the taste of the shake!"
I said, "You moron, he saw you do that!"
"You ruined the kid's life, what about that?"
He said, "He's young, he'll forget."
"Alright, kid. Drink up! Good job!"
It was really wrong, what happened to that kid.
Pandit took an order one day.
The customer is standing here.
Pandit is standing here.
I don't know how...
...the order changed in this distance.
He said strawberry shake.
He heard phenyl.
He started making a strawberry shake.
First of all, he put peanut butter in it.
Then he put something else and the colour changed.
So to bring it back to a strawberry colour,
...he found Digene from somewhere and put it in.
The customer is standing right here.
Ultimately, the shake turned into something weird.
I saw it from the side and said, "What kind of acid is he making?"
I went to him and said, "You can't serve this."
"Somebody will die."
He said, "No way, it'll be fine."
"It'll be great."
I said, "No way, you taste it first."
The customer is standing right here.
He took out a glass.
Topped it up with the shake for the customer.
Then he took out a small glass.
Put some in it for himself.
Then he tasted it.
"What the fu-!"
"Don't drink this, fuckers! You'll die."
"Enjoy your drink!"
One day he was making an oregano shake or something.
He was making something weird and black.
He was looking at a video and making it.
There are two customers here, and us four over here.
Now, in the video...
...the mixie had just a little bit of shake in it.
So the guy didn't put his hand on it.
Pandit had filled it to the top!
He didn't keep it, so we didn't keep it.
Pandit switched it on,
...and then something happened.
The small lid hit the roof.
The shake landed on the customers.
So they were shitting bricks.
One of the owners says,
..."Dude, do it again! I'll make a boomerang!"
One day, we made some really tasty cold coffee.
We didn't sell it.
"We made it, so we'll drink!"
Customer asks, "Is there cold coffee?"
I say, "It's amazing!"
"Brilliant cold coffee, but you can't have any!"
And then, we shut it all down.
We didn't have rent to pay to the landlord anyway.
So he took our fridge.
We had to drink warm beer.
All of us were doing something there,
...and Pandit was packing in the kitchen.
This girl comes up with a camera and crew.
She said, "I'm a food blogger."
I said, "The inspector couldn't find any food here!"
She said, "I want to review your restaurant."
I said, "We don't want to get it done."
She said, "You should."
"We have so many followers, and such a big team."
I said, "Sister, just turn around."
"Right, and now go get lost."
Otherwise our bad wishes will become your followers.
She just didn't get it.
"Our followers will do this and that!"
I was like, keep talking.
Leave when you're done.
I figured nobody talks to this poor girl at her home.
So she got irritated after a point,
...and said, "You know, if our team wants to..."
"...they can ruin your rating as well."
I asked, "Ours?"
She said yes.
I said, "Go ahead."
"Try your best."
"You can't ruin it more than we already have!"
She said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "I mean, we picked up a customer for delivery one night!"
"From his own home!"
"We shut a small kid in the kitchen."
"Have you ever had a burger without a patty?"
"This menace licks the cream off the Oreo!"
"Look at him."
"Can you make us look any worse?"
She asks, "Is either of you the manager?"
I said, "Nope, we're all the owners."
She asks, "Anybody with manners?"
I said, "Yes, one of us."
"Pandit, come over here. Hurry up."
"Go drop sister outside, send her home."
He came looking pissed enough to break her camera.
As soon as he crossed me, he goes to her and says,
..."Sakshi?"
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for coming!
Wherever you're sitting!
Take care.
Love you!
How long was it in Mumbai, finally?
How long? I didn't say any nonsense today.
So an hour and forty minutes.
There was no crowd work.