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♪ Well, she was an American girl ♪
♪ Raised on promises
♪ She couldn't help thinking that there ♪
♪ Was a little more to life
♪ Somewhere else
♪ After all, it was a great big world ♪
♪ With lots of places to run to ♪
♪ And if she had to die trying, she ♪
♪ Had one little promise she was gonna keep ♪
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ All right
♪ Take it easy, baby
- ♪ Make it last all night - ♪ Make it last all night
♪ She was an American girl...
How does a woman in her 70s
end up getting married?
It all started when the world shut down.
Okay. All I see here is me.
This is not what I want to be looking at.
Diane, you're muted.
Seriously, how do I just not see my own face this big, huh?
You're muted.
Diane, you're muted.
Alexa, join my meeting.
Okay.
VIVIAN [over speaker]: Hello, ladies.
Hello. Hi.
Viv, have you been at Arthur's condo this whole time?
Nine days.
It's a world record.
- Ha! - Shar.
Are you drinking at work?
Well, technically, the courts are closed,
so it's just me and Judge Walker.
My restaurant's closed, too.
They said it might be two whole weeks.
Okay, I figured it out.
Why am I a potato?
Ay, ay, ay.
Shall we talk about Normal People?
Something we have very little experience with.
Hey. How do I stop being a potato?
One thing's for sure:
It went on longer than anyone imagined.
Ah. Untamed.
The harrowing true story of Viv's nether region
if the waxing salon doesn't reopen soon.
All that's been lasered away years ago.
Yeah.
Excuse me, um, it's 7:00 p.m.
- Oh, my...
Thank you, health-care workers!
- Yay. Thank you!
No one's enjoying their quarantine more than you, Viv.
We stayed connected
and were there for each other through personal hardships.
Look who's home from the hospital.
Bruce, you look great.
A minor heart attack. I'm doing fine.
We're just taking it easy.
- No more cheeseburgers. - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah, but look.
Got these special cookies.
They're shaped like an aorta.
Ugh.
No.
And through professional milestones.
♪ For she's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny.
Ta-da.
I've already been asked to perform three weddings.
Once you take senior status, that's all you're good for.
- That's so sweet. It's degrading.
I didn't go to law school so I could tell
the children of my colleagues they could kiss.
And like so many people,
the time apart gave us the opportunity to try new things.
That was a little dark, but...
I'm pickling my own cucumbers.
Oh! Oh!
I have adopted a rescue parrot.
His name is Sylvester.
- Are you a good boy?
Sylvester's been rehomed.
And forced us to deal with things
- we'd been putting off.
This is all I'm keeping.
Well, good you're hanging on to that coffee can, though.
Oh.
This is Harry.
Harry?
Well, yeah, the ashes. The-the ashes of Harry. See?
Was his dying wish to be a latte?
You-you can't just leave him there.
Wait a minute. Do you think he's better off
on the mantel in Mitchell's bedroom?
Probably not what your late husband imagined
as his eternal resting place.
Back in the box you go.
There you go.
No, go spread them somewhere.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I mean, I'm just supposed to go dump him in the fields?
- He's allergic to horses.
For a while, it felt like
it was never going to end.
I liked this, but if I wanted to read a story
of a woman trapped at home, slowly going crazy,
I would've read my own diaries.
But everything comes to an end at some point.
We had a great run, didn't we?
It was the best restaurant in Brentwood.
It was the best restaurant in Los Angeles.
- Yeah, definitely. - That's true.
You guys are nice.
Well, I was gonna retire someday anyway.
Come join me on the other side.
It's boring, but it's boring.
- Yeah.
Well, it had been quite an experience,
but our time apart was finally coming to an end,
and a new journey together was about to begin.
DIANE [singsongy]: Knock, knock!
Oh, my God.
Oh!
This still feels illegal.
Oh, no.
Yeah. -I refuse to outlaw the hug.
What's going on here, huh?
Have we officially hit the stage
where we cover our furniture in plastic?
No, this is what happens when you have
- too much time on your hands. - Yeah.
I actually tried to retile the bathroom, too.
- Oh. - That did not go well.
- No? - It's terrible.
- Yoo-hoo. - Oh!
- Judge! - Oh, please.
I'm retired, so no need for formalities.
-"Your Honor" is fine. - Oh.
I never thought I'd be this happy to hug you. Oh.
Yeah. I get that a lot.
Hello!
- Oh! Hello. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
- Oh, my God. Oh, hi. - Hi.
Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi. - Aw.
- And my pal. - Hey, Slim.
Oh, this is so great.
- How are you, Slim? - I'm so excited.
Viv, uh, just one question.
What's going on with the gloves?
Are you planning a jewelry heist? -
Or maybe becoming an amateur mime?
Or even a professional mime,
- if you put your mind to it. - Uh-huh.
Now, that would be an exciting change.
Well, actually, there has been an exciting change.
Oh, my.
What's going... What?
Oh, my God.
- You're engaged? - Oh, it's gorgeous.
- Can you believe it? - No, I can't.
- Vivian. - Oh, I have so many questions.
- When did this happen? - Well...
Wait, wait, wait. Come sit down and tell us
- every single thing. - We need details.
- Yeah, okay. - Okay.
Oh, my God, Viv, this is amazing.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my God. Well, uh, it was actually... it was last night.
I can't believe that it was last night.
We were walking back to the apartment,
and he made some comment about proposing,
and I made a comment, "Well, if not now, when?"
Because in another 50 years,
I may not find him as attractive as I do now.
And right then, we were in front of a jewelry store.
And before I know it, we're in the store,
saying, "Should we do this?
I mean, should we get married?"
- And we are!
- Oh, my God. Oh! - We are.
- Please. - Oh.
To Viv and Arthur.
Oh, thank you.
- Cheers. - Oh, beautiful.
Thank you, my pals.
So, do you have a date yet?
Oh, I think I'll go with Arthur.
What?
As my date.
Do we have to laugh at her bad jokes
- since she's the bride? - No, well, I think we do.
- I think that's the rule. - Yeah.
Sharon is correct.
Look at you.
- Is this new? - Well, it is to me.
I assume the man who owns it purchased it years ago.
Oh, well, I'm glad your vagina hasn't claimed senior status.
- Who's the lucky sailor? - Not a clue.
I found it in the back seat of my car. Finders keepers.
- Oh, my God.
I really don't understand how you make that work.
Well, now you know why she keeps having to get her hip replaced.
People with mechanical knees should not throw stones.
- Oh. Oh, my God, you guys. - What? What?
I have to show you what I found when I was cleaning up.
Cleaning up? What did it look like before?
Look. I think it's an omen.
An omen?
This is from the trip that never was.
Remember, we were all gonna go to Italy.
Oh.
Oh, Italy.
Right? Oh, my God.
Our dream vacation, before, of course,
I got pregnant and ruined everything.
- Pan Am?
Can you believe that one of these
used to get us on a plane?
I can't even look at those.
"Surprise Gianni.
Taste his magical meatballs again."
Oh.
-"Do not live in fear." - Oh, God.
Okay, that's not...
-"Taste his magical meatballs"? - Shh!
"Do not live in fear"? How big are they?
- Oh, Gianni.
Who is Gianni?
Okay, he was the Italian hottie
from my cooking school a million trillion years ago.
Probably fat and bald now.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Don't ruin my memories.
- Anyway, that's not the point.
- The point is I found this. - Yeah.
The travel ban is lifted,
and I think we should all go to Italy.
Italy? Whoa.
I mean, I barely made it here.
Yeah, I-I-I can't go anywhere, right?
I'm a newly engaged woman, remember?
Oh, that-that's it.
We'll make it Viv's bachelorette.
Oh, I literally just got chill bumps.
It's perfect.
You want us to run around Italy like a bunch of teenagers?
The book says ignoring the signs is what ruins a life.
- We can't reject our destiny. - Yeah.
I love the idea of drinking Italian wine
and celebrating Vivian,
but can't we just do that from here?
I'm with Shar.
You know, it-it doesn't feel right leaving Arthur right now.
And my little Ginsburger has not been feeling well.
I don't feel good about leaving her, either. -Mm.
You know that we might never have a chance
to do something like this again.
Such is fate.
A bachelorette?
And you said you didn't want to go because of me?
No. Well, I mean, yeah, that's what I said,
but not because of you.
Because of us.
- Well... - You know, our relationship.
Well, that's not right.
Not because of "our relationship."
Because of our engagement.
I mean, my point was we're engaged,
so if I'm gonna run off to Italy,
- it should be with you.
Well, I'd love that, but just 'cause we're engaged
doesn't mean you can't go on a trip with your best friends.
Really?
Viv, Jesus Christ.
Actually, that is Saint Christopher.
Oh, God.
He's the patron saint of travel.
So, if you're planning a trip,
well, this is the right place to start.
- How about that for a sign? - Wow.
- Oh, boy.
Hello. You've reached the home of the retired and gifted.
So...
we need to go to Italy.
Why are you saying that? I already told you I can't go.
I wanted to score a few points
by telling Arthur that I wasn't gonna go
because I'm being sensitive to his feelings
now that we're "en-fianced."
That's not a word.
"En-fianced," "a-fianced."
- I-I don't know.
Where are you?
I'm in a church.
You're in a church?
We're looking for a venue for the wedding.
You're going to get married in a church?
Hope they don't run a background check.
I'm shocked you didn't burst into flames
as you crossed the threshold.
The point is, Sharon, now if we don't go,
he'll think I think he was testing me
and that I don't think he actually thinks we should go.
I-I think you're overthinking this.
I don't think so.
- I think we need to go. Ginsie.
- Honey, it's Sharon. Say hi. - Ginsie.
Oh, hey. Hi, Sharon.
I'm excited about your trip to Italy.
Oh, my God.
Oh, shit.
Oh, Sh-Sharon, y-you're on speaker in a church.
Ginsie.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Uh, I'll call you back.
It's another omen.
DIANE [over phone]: I don't understand.
Dead like dead-dead?
Yes. What other kind of dead is there?
Don't cats have nine lives?
Ho-Hold on. Sharon's coming.
They think it was just old age.
It's unnatural for your child to go before you.
Aw, honey.
- Honey, I'm so sorry. - Oh.
Well, I'm-I'm just on with Diane.
I'll put her on speaker.
Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, no, no.
I would just say the wrong thing.
Hi, Di.
No, even my name is wrong at a time like this.
I think this might be an omen.
Yes, the universe is conspiring.
I mean, is... Oh, God.
Is it? Is it really?
And even if it's not, I say we discuss it in Italy.
Are you serious?
I'm retired. My cat is dead.
We're talking about going to the top
wine-producing country in the world.
Yes, I'm serious.
Let's do this.
I'm looping in Viv.
We have to go to Italy.
You're in, too?
Didn't Sharon tell you what happened?
- About her cat? - No. Arthur.
Oh, God. Did he die, too?
Diane.
I was worried there was a theme.
He thinks it would be wrong for us not to go.
I mean, is that sweet or what?
You should marry that guy.
And I will.
But first, Italy.
Can you believe it?
You're on your way to Tuscany.
Ugh. God.
-"Ugh"? - Ugh, I know.
You're the first person in the world to "ugh" Tuscany.
I wasn't "ugh-ing" Tuscany.
Ah, nice try.
There's just an absurdity to the whole thing.
A bachelorette trip? What are we doing?
Well, Vivian's getting married.
Which is, you know, a little bit nuts.
I think it's very romantic.
But it's also nuts.
You got to admit that.
Well, you're the one who's been married before.
You tell me.
No, no. I was pregnant.
It's different.
Oh, that's so romantic.
Not as romantic as never getting married at all.
- Hello?
One little goodbye kiss, maybe?
- A little goodbye... - Maybe one.
Oh, excited.
Oh. Mm.
Mmm.
- Get out of here. - Uh-huh. Okay.
Love you.
♪ Now it's hey, mambo
♪ Mambo italiano
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ Mambo italiano
♪ Go, go, Joe
♪ You mixed-up siciliano
♪ All you calabrese
♪ Do the mambo like-alà and ♪
♪ Hey, goombah
♪ I love-a how you dance rumba
♪ But take-a some advice, paisano ♪
♪ Learn how to mambo
♪ If you're gonna be a square
♪ You're never gonna go nowhere ♪
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ Mambo italiano
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ Hey, mambo italiano
♪ Go, go, Joe, shake-a like a Giovanno ♪
♪ Hello, che si dice?
♪ Get-a happy in the feets-a
♪ When you mambo italiano
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ Mambo italiano
♪ Hey, mambo...
Look at this place.
I can't believe we're actually here.
I love this city.
- Rome. Roma.
And not just because I had due proseccos at lunch.
- Yeah, sure.
Me, too. I love anything that's falling apart more than I am.
- You know,
it's amazing, though, isn't it,
how many tourists there are in the world?
Well, wait a minute. We're tourists.
- Yes, but we're different. - Oh.
- We're not so obvious. - Yeah.
No, no, no. Judge's fanny pack screams, "I'm a local."
- It's called a waist wallet. - Oh.
Oh, well, that changes everything. -
Yeah, and it's not just fashion.
- It's also functional. - No. Ah...
Hey, is it time?
- What? - Oh, yeah. No, no.
- It is time. - Okay.
- What? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, yes. - Let's do it.
- Oh, my God, you... - Yes, yes!
Oh, I can't believe you guys.
Well, believe it, because this is your bachelorette.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah.
And we're not gonna let you forget it, okay?
- Oh, and there's a veil. - Oh. Oh, yeah.
Oh, my Lord.
- Congratulations to the bride! - There you go.
Oh, thank you.
- Thank you, thank you. - Thank you.
Oh, God, you look so great.
- You look perfect.
I look like a crossing guard in this.
No, crossing guards wear vests now.
What did he say?
I'm-I'm trying... I'm trying to translate here.
Oh, okay, "vecchie." It means "old."
- What? - Yeah.
- Oh. - He called us old?
He basically called us an old fruit.
- Oh, my...
I'm gonna cause an international incident.
- Wait. "Dolce" means "sweet." - Yeah. What?
Okay. "The older the vines, the sweeter the fruit."
- Oh!
- Yes, we've still got it. - Look at us.
Yeah, we got it.
The question is: What are we gonna do with it?
Well, this is a bachelorette party,
- so you know what that means. - Okay.
It means that we go see naked men.
" continues]
What's the protocol here?
Where do I stuff the dollar bills?
I-I think some of these guys are the same dancers
- from my bachelorette party.
Look at those nail beds.
I really need a pedicure.
"I lost my hand!"
Nic Cage, Moonstruck.
Oh, wow.
She's almost 2,000 years old.
She's definitely had work done.
I got the same perm back in 1982.
In his defense, it is a little chilly in here.
Give him some credit.
I mean, he's a thousand years old
and still hard as a rock.
Oh, my God.
What is Bruce doing?
Wait a minute. Are you spying on him?
No, no, I got an alert.
There was movement in the kitchen.
Bacon?
Oh, God. He can't...
What, is he insane?
- Oh, uno momen... - Bruce!
Carol, you scared the hell out of me.
Bruce, you know you're not allowed to eat bacon.
No, no, it's not what it looks like.
It looks like you're hiding bacon behind your back.
Wrong.
No bacon.
I see you, Bruce.
- Oh, oh.
- Oh... Oh, whoa. - Wow.
I've never seen anything like it.
I'm so glad we did this.
Me, too. Aw.
- CAROL [chuckles]: Me, too. - Mwah.
Oh, look. Here we go.
This is Via dei Coronari.
- Oh. - What's Via dei Coronari?
- This road. - So?
So it's-it's beautiful and we're taking it.
Wha... I don't think there's an ugly street
- in this entire city, is there? - No.
- No. Right. - I don't think so.
- Ah, and-and look. - Oh.
Is it a sign?
Oh, I think it is.
I think it is definitely a sign.
That is a sign, literally.
"Chiuso." Closed.
- Oh, shucks. - Hmm.
And you must be the bride.
- Well, how did you know?
What did you gals do?
Welcome to my humble little factory.
- VIVIAN [chuckling]: Wow. Grazie.
- Wow. - Oh. Whoa.
Oh, my gosh.
So, describe to me the dress.
Tell me anything that comes to your mind.
Sexy but traditional.
Sexy. Naturalmente, of course.
- No, and timeless. That's a good call.
The last thing you want when you look back
at your photos 50 years from now
is to wonder, "What the hell was I thinking?"
- Right.
Ciao. Can I interest anyone in a prosecco?
- Yes, you bet. - Yes.
Me, and you should be interested, too.
Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, let's have some fun, girls, huh?
To fun.
- Oh, gorgeous. Oh.
Is this it?
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
You don't pick the first one.
You're not getting off that easily.
- It's too bridal. - Mmm.
Next.
You look like Hugh Hefner.
It's not bridal enough.
I think you should change.
Next.
Thank you so much.
God, I'd like to serve you for Christmas dinner.
Oh, my God.
- Okay. Less bird. Next. - Mm-hmm.
Someone else next.
Fine. When in Rome.
I'm not putting on one other thing
until you're all in couture.
You're not getting out of this.
I'm not getting into this.
Grace.
- You know... - Siì. I know just the one.
Ta-da.
Oh, my... Oh.
I feel like I just escaped from the trunk of a Cadillac.
Judge, looking good.
Yeah, if I were at a Renaissance fair.
- Oh, Diane, look.
I literally thought that was you.
- I love that. - It's...
So, what do you think?
- That I don't like you.
Aw. Holy moly.
- Gorgeous. - Oh, Diane.
You look more like you than you ever have. -
We are sending
- a picture of this to Mitchell.
No, no, no, no. Wait a minute. Are you nuts?
- Too late. - Please don't send it.
Sharon, un-send it.
Just because I know how to not make myself a potato
doesn't mean I'm Steve Jobs.
- I mean...
Another one for the bride-to-be.
Okay, I need more drink.
- Oh, my God.
Whoa.
Oh, no way.
Slim, yowza.
Oh, my God, I'd marry you.
Oh, my gosh, Viv, it's stunning.
Is it how you always imagined yourself as a bride?
I never imagined myself as a bride. -
Which is funny because
we always hosted weddings at the Quinn-Henry,
but I never imagined my own.
Hmm.
How does it feel?
Mm, I love the fabric.
I know.
It's the finest, but... how do you feel?
Is this the right one?
What do you think?
It's perfect.
- Yeah? - Truly, truly stunning.
We'll take it.
EÈ bellissima.
Yes.
Hey! Yeah. Here they are.
Oh, what'd you get?
Do you know that Mitchell's real name
is Michelangelo?
Oh. And...
Arturo. It's a much sexier name than Arthur, right?
Oh.
Everything is sexier in Italy.
Well, I know I am.
- Right, Giuseppe? - Of course.
Oh, God.
Mitchell.
Because you sent him that picture.
- What? Let... What?
"A true work of art.
And the dress ain't bad, either."
- Oh, great line.
This guy. Oh, God.
Aw.
- Hey, cheers. - Hey, cheers is right.
- Cheers. -Cheers. - Here we go.
Rome is a great walking city,
but it's an even better sit-down-and-drink-wine city.
So true.
I think you say that about every city.
What? No, e-every city is not good for walking.
Oh.
The best walking city is Venezia.
Oh, I love Venice.
Sh... Should we go?
- To Venice? - To...
- Of course. - Yeah?
Going to Venezia is never the wrong decision.
- Yeah. Oh.
I-I have a friend with a great hotel there.
Where do you not have a friend with a hotel?
- Well, not many places.
Well, I-I think we should
just stay the course and go to Tuscany.
Venice is the most special city in the world.
The treasure of Italy.
-"The treasure of Italy." Uh...
Wasn't the guy in The Alchemist searching for treasure?
This is the universe telling us we should go.
Or is it a street artist telling us to go?
I mean, no offense, obviously.
I say it's a sign.
And it's my bachelorette, remember?
Mm-hmm.
Judge, do you maybe want to overrule this?
Nonsense. I'm the one wearing the sash,
so what I say goes.
New plan: Andiamo a Venezia.
- Uh-huh. - Ah.
Is there room in this new plan for sleeping?
Is 6:00 p.m. an appropriate bachelorette bedtime?
- Definitely. - Really?
- Very standard, actually. - Okay.
Tomorrow, we leave early in the morning.
Bellissima.
For the beautiful woman.
Oh, wow.
You really are sexier in Italy.
It-it's like looking in a mirror.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you. Grazie. Thank you.
- Let's see. Where is Venice? - Oh, I don't...
- We're going... - Oh, wow.
- Oh, hi.
- Prima classe? - Siì.
- Yeah. - Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, first class.
Where you going?
- Venice. - Ah, Venezia.
We'll help you with the luggage.
Allow us, please.
- We'll help you. - Thank you.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Venezia. Uh, plenty of time.
- Yeah. - Oh.
Well, that's very kind.
Thank you. This is for both of you.
Thank you so much.
- Where's Venezia? - See it?
- You see Venice? - I can't read any of that.
There's Venezia.
Benvenute a Venezia.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Grazie. - Thank you.
- Prego. - Grazie.
- Boy.
- Come on, everybody. - Okay. Yeah.
- All right. - Good.
Diane, can you hand me my purse?
Oh, wait a minute.
Um, no.
Oh, my God, I don't see... It's-it's not up here.
Well, where is it?
Um... Oh.
Everything okay?
I can't find my purse.
I've got mine.
But now is not the time to gloat.
Do you think it was stolen?
I didn't see anyone come through.
Yeah, Carol, are you sure you put it up here?
- Mm-hmm. - I-I... I thought I did.
Oh, God.
Ah. Aha. Aha.
Wait. Wait.
Oh. Oh.
Thank you. Thank you.
I was so nervous that we'd been robbed.
Uh, sir, where can we find our checked bags?
What do you mean, "checked bags"?
Oh, the ones that we gave to the porters in Rome.
I'm sorry, but we don't have any porters.
- Uh... - Uh...
Wh-When did you get rid of the porters?
1976.
No wonder the porters
were so surprised when I gave them a tip.
Well, it's probably not every day
that someone gives them cash to steal their luggage.
Yeah, I just can't believe this.
I can't lose that bag.
Well, I know it's annoying, honey,
but it's not the end of the world.
You don't understand.
It might be good to get you some fresh clothes.
Everything is replaceable.
No, not everything is. No.
Okay, Diane, I think you're blowing this out of proportion.
Harry's ashes are in the bag.
- What?! Oh, God. Yeah.
You brought Harry's ashes to a bachelorette party?
- Are you nuts? You're the one
that said I shouldn't leave him in the closet.
So you brought him to Italy?
In a checked bag?
- Like a serial killer. - Is that even legal?
You're asking me?
- Oh, buongiorno. - Oh, yes.
- Buongiorno. Oh, buongiorno.
Yeah. Hi.
So, we have made the report.
Okay, and, uh...
If, uh, anything turns up, we will let you know.
That's it? Because we've been sitting here for two hours,
and that's all we're gonna get?
No, that is not all.
Uh-huh.
I feel very bad for you. Please.
Oh, you feel bad for us?
We don't need a man to take pity on us.
No, your lazy police work is more than sufficient.
Um...
I'm just curious.
Hypothetically, if you do find the bags,
will you be going through them?
I don't typically make it a habit...
Oh.
...to go through a lady's belongings.
Oh, that's great. Okay, good.
All right. And thanks again. Thank you.
Wait, signora.
Your dress.
Oh. Oh, God. Shoot. Yes.
That's my dress. Thank you so much.
Are you here for a wedding?
No, it-it's a bachelorette trip,
but my friends took me dress shopping in Rome.
- Such nice friends you have. - Yes.
Even the critical one.
Yeah, well...
Signora, per favore.
Before you go.
Take this.
So we don't have to see each other again.
Well, thanks.
This is tremendously helpful at this point.
Well, it's definitely not legal.
- That's for sure. - What were you thinking?
I was just trying to do a nice thing.
I mean, he always wanted to visit Italy.
- Aw. - It's a sweet idea.
- Thanks. - Also crazy.
Yeah, I can see that now.
On the bright side, it's much easier walking
without dragging your luggage.
Speak for yourself.
This is like a...
a full upper-body routine carrying this thing.
So, remember that part in The Alchemist
where the guy gets robbed and loses everything?
Yeah.
I have no empathy for him at this point.
Yeah, neither do I.
Well, he said he had a choice to make.
He could either see himself as a victim of a thief...
Or see himself as an adventurer
in search of a treasure.
Yeah, but we are victims of a thief.
But we are also adventurers.
Ciao, Sofia.
Ciao. Ciao.
Welcome back.
Ladies, let me assure you, you're in good hands now.
There is nothing my uncle wouldn't do for this woman.
- Oh, that's very sweet. - Well, it's true.
And you're in luck because the wedding
we were supposed to throw this weekend canceled,
so our best rooms are available.
The wedding was canceled?
Yeah. It was very dramatic.
Screaming and crying, and the dress on fire.
- Oh. - Yeah.
But this is our boutique.
I've let them know to expect you.
I've got the same thing in blue.
- Oh.
Here are your keys.
I'm sure you're exhausted.
Thank you.
When you see your uncle, please give him my very best.
Of course.
And please, if there is anything else you need,
- don't hesitate to ask. Thank you.
- Thank you. - Thank you so much.
- Ciao. - Ciao.
Yeah.
Nothing her uncle wouldn't do for you, huh?
Well, there was a time 15 years ago
when there was nothing I wouldn't have done for him...
sexually.
Well, thank you for clarifying.
Well, if you must know, he's why I got my knee replaced.
- Oh, boy. - Such commitment.
Such sacrifice.
Mm, she's a modern-day Mother Teresa.
That's the part of Mother Teresa's story
they don't tell you about.
She wasn't just on her knees praying.
Oh.
To help you forget about your troubles.
Salute.
It won't hurt.
Forgive me, I-I couldn't help but overhear.
What sort of troubles have you got yourself into?
Oh.
A little snafu at the train station.
My friends and I had our luggage stolen.
Well, that sounds like more than a little snafu.
All your luggage?
Wallets? Passport?
Oh, please.
What kind of fool do you take me for?
Fantastic.
No one could get this off me. No one.
Oh.
It would require very nimble fingers,
I imagine.
Well, since we're playing "you show me yours,
I'll show you mine."
Be still my heart.
No, I'm just saying you need to keep stress to a minimum.
I'm at a driving range.
That's just a bit more strenuous than taking a nap.
Sweetheart, listen, are you sure
that I shouldn't come over and meet up with you?
We discussed this, Bruce.
It's-it's not safe.
Yeah, I know. I was just thinking that, you know...
So, tomorrow, we're going to La Toscana.
La Toscana?
- That's how you say Tuscany. - Oh, oh.
I thought you were talking about the restaurant
on San Vicente.
Why would I be talking about a restaurant on San Vicente
when I'm in Italy?
- Eataly? - What?
Eataly.
The restaurant in Century City.
I'm just making restaurant jokes
because, uh, I'm on such a strict diet, honey.
Okay. Okay, I get it now.
Yeah, well, if I got to explain the jokes, Carol,
it's just not as funny.
How about we just cool it with the jokes about restaurants?
You don't hear me making jokes about angioplasty.
Oh, gosh, I wish you would.
- A bachelorette trip? - Yes.
I don't think I know anyone who's done
anything like that for 20 years.
And why not, right?
Honestly, this is how I want to live my life.
On a bachelorette trip?
- Of course.
And guided by the daily practice of "why not?"
For a second, I thought you said,
"Guided by the daily practice of wine,"
and I thought, "Okay."
Well, it's not a bad combination.
"Wine and 'Why Not?'"
That's gonna be the title of my autobiography.
Well, I promise that I shall buy a first edition.
You're on.
Oh, my God. Look at her.
We can't leave her alone for a second.
Yeah, they're like moths to a flame.
Oh. Ciao, guys.
Oh, hi.
- Buonasera. - Hey. -Hi.
- Whoo!
This is Ousmane.
- Uh-huh. - Ciao.
It's really very nice to meet you.
Which one of you is the bride-to-be?
- Oh, definitely not me. - Oh, no.
She'll be down in just a minute.
It must be very exciting for all of you.
And I'm delighted that you'll be joining us tonight.
- Tonight? - Uh, yes.
I-I made dinner plans for us tonight.
- Oh. - Great.
It's going to be... Wh-What did you call it?
"An authentic Italian experience"?
Wait a minute. Are we going to the Olive Garden?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I promise you it'll be worth it.
It's great food, great people.
And there's no problem if four random women show up? -Mm.
This is Italy.
There's always room for random beautiful women.
- Oh. - - He's good.
" playing on piano]
- Look at this!
- Oh, my God. - Yeah.
You pulled together this bachelorette dinner
in-in-in record time.
It was easier than you think.
And we even got you a band.
Look!
Hope you like Italian music.
Hey.
So we decided to go into the jewelry store,
and before we knew it, we were engaged.
Well, I think that's incredibly romantic.
Well, thank you.
- Are you married? - No.
- I-I've traveled that road.
Not a pleasant journey?
Well, it was a bit of a carjacking, really.
- Hmm. - Oh.
Well, um, it wasn't all bad.
Uh, are you all married?
Married.
Not married but not single.
- Ah. Dating. - Yeah.
Serious boyfriend.
Yeah, I mean...
I don't know, "boyfriend and girlfriend"
just sounds so silly, you know?
Like we're in high school or something.
I'm too old to be somebody's girlfriend.
Are you kidding?
Oh, being a girlfriend is the greatest thing in the world.
- That's not true. - Oh, it is.
Being a girlfriend is sexy.
It's exciting.
You know, it means you love somebody
and you're committed to them,
but you still have your own life.
You haven't given yourself up to society's conventions.
It's all about choice.
You choose to be there,
but you can leave any time you damn well please.
Perfect.
And you're the bride-to-be?
And what about you?
Oh, she's the single one.
Oh, well, every group needs one.
And I'm the one who has to run to the ladies' room,
if you'll excuse me.
Ousmane, what do you do in Italy?
Philosophy.
No, I-I was a professor of philosophy.
Happily now retired.
Which is why I have so much time to spend here.
- Ciao. - Ciao, chef.
...Sharon, Diane e Vivian.
You're so kind to include us.
It is my sincerest joy.
So, let us proceed with un po' di prosecco.
It, uh, prepares the palate.
Oh, thank you.
- Prego. - Yeah.
What brings you to Venice?
Oh, uh, a series of, well, unanticipated events, so...
- Ah. The spice of life. - Oh. Thanks.
I got a little lost.
Wow.
That's quite a situation in the bosom area.
- Oh! Scusi. - Yeah.
- Oh. I overdid it, didn't I? Oh, no, that's okay.
No, absolutely not.
Wait.
Carolina.
Gianni.
- Gianni, is that you? - Siì.
- Siì, si.
This is crazy.
What are you doing here?
Me? Well, I live here.
This is my cooking school.
Oh. Wait, wait. You mean Gi-Gianni?
Gi-Gianni, Gianni?
It's the Gianni.
Not fat or bald.
This is crazy. -I've heard about your meatballs.
I-I can't believe.
I mean, look at you, huh?
Oh.
Yeah, I mean, this is a new dress,
and it's a little... probably a little much for tonight,
but I just wanted to have a little fun.
You look beautiful.
- Thank you. My goodness.
Thank you. This is incredible.
- Wow. Wow.
Yes. Oh, grazie.
Uh, and here to start, an amuse-bouche.
- Oh. I think somebody's
bouche is already quite amused.
Enjoy, please. I need to, uh...
My head is spinning.
There's so many things I want to put in your mouth.
- I can't wait. - Oh.
And I mustn't overheat your cacciucco. Uh, e-excuse me.
- May be a little late for that.
Even my cacciucco is overheated.
- So is mine.
- Oh, that was the best meal. - So delicious.
No, no. Uh...
I can't even believe it.
What are the chances?
If I were writing a book, I'd have you sleep with him
just to get the recipe for this sauce.
- Ooh.
Libations.
- Oh. - Oh, my God.
I think I've had enough.
Oh, come on. This is your bachelorette,
and things are about to get even more fun.
Ooh!
- Oh.
Goodness. - Oh, fun.
Right?
- Very Christian Grey.
Hey.
♪ Gloria
Can you believe this?
I told you we should come to Italy.
♪ Gloria
Oh, my God.
You go!
Whoo!
Oh, well, that was a first.
I was thinking of taking a little stroll
down by the docks, if you're interested.
It-it might be getting very near my bedtime.
You seem a little too old to have a bedtime.
Well, let's just agree that that was a compliment.
That would be helpful. Thank you.
Shall we?
And there goes Sharon.
- Oh...
Scusi, signora. Chef Gianni says,
if you would like, you should see his cucina.
I'm sorry, see his cucina?
Yeah. It means kitchen.
Oh.
I bet it's big, isn't it?
- I mean, it's a cooking school. - Uh-huh.
Bene. Uh, please, he says you come whenever you'd like.
Oh, that's so sweet.
You tell Chef Gianni she'd be excited to come.
Bene.
Preferably more than once.
Oh, good God.
You know what, are you...
I do want to see his cucina.
Well, just go.
Yes. -But don't do anything I would do.
I think that's actually really good advice.
It's just a kitchen.
Oh.
- Whoa. - Yeah, sure.
And then there were two.
- Yeah. - Ooh.
Agatha Christie.
Oh. Indeed.
Oh, whoa. Oh, boy.
What a day we've had, huh?
- I mean, this... - I know.
The lost luggage.
Who loses a person's ashes?
I don't know, I guess some skeletons
are best left in the closet, right?
- God, I don't know.
- Yeah. - And you?
Huh?
Married. "Marriaged."
Yeah.
My...
My solo act is finally coming to a close.
It's crazy.
- Especially for me. - Yeah.
I mean, I know it is.
- No, come on. Who am I to judge?
Uh, but, yeah, I thought so at first.
But, you know, I think what you're doing
is freaking incredible.
And I'm genuinely excited for you.
You're drunk.
No. No, I'm being serious.
Well, I'm... Okay, so maybe a little. I mean...
But I'm still serious.
I don't know how you do it.
You tore up the instruction manual,
and you just never even looked back.
I mean, you're the bravest person I know.
And I'm so happy that you're my friend.
Oh, God. You're definitely drunk.
You can't even take a compliment, can you?
No.
But it's true.
I'd never have the guts to do what you're doing.
Well, I appreciate it.
- I do. I appreciate it. - You do.
Thank you.
Hey, we're having a fun trip, aren't we?
Oh. If you hadn't gotten engaged,
I'm not sure I would have ever experienced Italy.
What do you think?
Oh. Oh, I can't believe...
I can't believe what I almost missed.
But the only question is: How will we mess this all up?
I don't know, but if we mess it up
the way we've messed up the trip so far,
I can't wait to find out.
Yeah, but first...
bedtime.
Yeah. Yeah.
- I do need my beauty sleep. - Yeah.
You know, this doesn't just happen on its own.
I imagine it's the work of many skilled artisans.
Yeah, they're practically unionized.
Okay.
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns
in all the world, she walks into mine."
Casablanca.
Remember?
I remember.
You know, my first time was with you.
What? It was?
The... No, I... I mean the movie.
- Seeing the movie. - Oh.
Oh.
I'm not sure we ever actually made it to the end.
My favorite part. I mean...
Not-not the end. The not making it to...
I-I knew what you meant that time.
Okay, you're going to have to explain something to me.
- Mm-hmm. - You live in a place
where there are no roads,
but you have a van in your kitchen?
Uh, siì.
Makes no sense.
That's what makes it so special.
I thought it would make me want to go somewhere.
But no, only made me happy to stay.
- I get it. - Mm.
This place is absolutely beautiful.
Grazie.
You must, too, still be a chef, siì?
- Siì. - Ah.
I can tell.
- Oh, yeah? You can? - Mm-hmm.
Assolutamente, siì. Your aura.
In the cucina, everything is now.
Present time.
I see you understand this.
Not worrying about, uh, yesterday,
tomorrow.
Grappa.
It's about living well for today.
- Salute. - Salute.
- Mmm. - A tavola non si invecchia.
It means, "At the table, one..."
"One does not grow old."
You know this saying?
I actually had that on the wall of my restaurant.
Oh. Really?
It's a sign.
No one smiles like you.
I always remembered this.
Uh, per favore, will you, uh...
- Oh, s... siì, si. - ...take a picture?
- Mm-hmm. - Prego.
Quanto sei bella.
You don't look so bad yourself, Gianni.
So, how long you are in Venezia, Carolina?
Sadly, we are leaving tomorrow.
Ah.
So, uh, we better take advantage of tonight, really.
Let me know when you get tired.
Oh, I can do this all night.
Mamma mia.
Don't move.
What are you doing?
That would be me.
Ah, Signora Bridesmaid.
Oh, shit.
You're in the middle of the canal.
Wow.
Look at us.
For the record, that thing I said earlier
about your being lazy,
I'd like to take it back.
Hmm.
You called him lazy? Wh-Why would you do that?
Believe it or not, I didn't anticipate
running into him again.
Um, perhaps we could trouble you for a tow.
Perhaps the signora can swim you back to shore.
See how lazy he is?
I heard you.
Good night?
Don't ask.
You?
Same.
We made pasta.
In a van.
I made pasta in a boat.
Hey.
Last night was really fun, wasn't it?
I need a minute.
Well, there you go.
Look who's awake.
Good morning.
What happened?
Oh, boy.
Sharon's probably even worse off.
- Buongiorno. - Oh.
Ooh. Biscotti.
Oh, well, look who's very chipper this morning.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, my Halo says my sleep score was 96.
Ah.
Everyone needs to stop screaming.
Aw. Oh.
Hey, what about if we shift our plans
and-and stayed another night here?
- No. No.
Whoa. All right. Wow.
Time to get to Tuscany, huh?
So we... Do we just get back on the train?
Oh, forget the train.
We got robbed on the train.
Technically, we got robbed in the train station.
Technically, we gave our things away
- in the train station.
- Caffè, signore? Oh, yes. -Me.
Thank you.
" playing]
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
♪ You make my dreams come true
- ♪ You, you, you, you, you - ♪ Oh, yeah
♪ You
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
♪ You make my dreams come true
- ♪ You, you, you, you, you - ♪ Oh, yeah
♪ You
♪ I'm waiting for, waiting for you, girl ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh - ♪ Oh, yeah
♪ You make my dreams come true
- ♪ You, you, you...
Gianni texted me.
- Oh, God. - That bastard.
Thought we hit something.
No, no, no, no, you don't understand.
He sent a bunch of photos of us from last night.
So?
Are we talking, like, the nudie type pictures or...
- Are you nuts? No. - Well...
But Bruce is gonna see these.
It goes to my iPad.
Oh, God!
- No. - What?
He... His crazy broken English.
Gianni wrote...
how nice it was for me to rub his dough.
Oh, my God.
And-and that it was a very happy ending to his night.
- Oh, God.
- Yowza. - Oh, that's terrible.
- Oh, man. Shit, shit, shit. - Oh, my God, I love it. More.
Got to call Bruce.
Why isn't it ringing?
- Still not going through. Oh.
It was all innocent, right?
Well, yes.
I mean, we flirted, but I didn't...
Rub his dough?
Uh...
- No.
Well, how about his meatballs?
- I'm serious. - Oh, no, no, no.
But did you want to?
No.
I just was trying to have a little fun.
You know, I-I can't have fun like that with Bruce around.
Obviously not.
No. Not like that.
- Okay, sorry. - Oh, what... like what, then?
Like where I don't have to be afraid
that my husband's gonna drop dead any second.
Mmm.
I-I just... What would it be?
What would my life be then?
It's one thing to lose that restaurant,
but I just can't lose Bruce.
Okay. Best friends, tough love.
You know you're the problem, right?
What are you talking about?
You're just so afraid of Bruce dying
that you're stopping the two of you from living.
Seriously, he's probably thrilled you came on this trip.
The prison guard finally left her post.
He's probably getting his first taste
- of freedom, huh? - Yeah.
Let the man get a taste of bacon.
- That's not what's going on. - Isn't it, though?
That is exactly what is going on,
and you can't see it.
You want the truth?
"You can't handle the truth!"
Sorry, you set me up.
The truth is, at some point,
Bruce actually might not be here.
And I don't think that anyone in this car
wants to see you look back
and realize all the time you squandered
because you were afraid.
So knock it off.
Whoa, Viv.
- Mic drop. - It's for your own good.
You've got a wonderful husband who loves you.
And you're both... you're alive and you're happy.
Stop trying to control the uncontrollables.
Life is unpredictable, and it's the surprises
that make it worth living.
- Oh, my God!
We're okay.
Everything's fine.
You know, it's the surprises, isn't it? -DIANE: Oh, God.
Tell me, what kind of car doesn't come with a spare?
- That one.
You know, I've never actually hitchhiked before.
Yeah, well, in my limited experience,
it helps if someone actually drives by.
- Well, on the bright side... - Mm-hmm?
...at least it's not raining.
Why do you tempt fate?
Well, th-there's no such thing as fate, remember?
Is it too soon to talk about who we're gonna eat first?
I think we all know.
Hey.
This is really not good.
Yeah, we know.
No, it's really not good.
Thank you for that brand-new information.
We need to get to Tuscany.
Well, yeah, but we don't need to get panicky.
You know, w-we're not under time pressure.
We can just relax. Chill.
I-I am relaxed, but we really got to start walking now.
- Walk? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
To Tuscany?
Well, if we leave now, we can be there by the morning,
so let's just get it up and go.
- All right, let's not get all... No.
Let's get!
Because I'm done with the not getting, okay?
And this happened, but there's still time.
- We got time. - Calm down.
No. We have to be in Tuscany.
We're not not getting to Tuscany, okay?
Diane, seriously, calm down.
I am.
I'm calm, and I'm gonna be calmer in Tuscany.
What?
What-what... What was this look?
What the hell is going on?
I-I think we should just tell her.
Tell me what?
I don't think we should.
Yes.
- Well, we have to now. - Yeah. Yeah, you do.
You have to. What is going on?
- Well... - What?
We need to get to Tuscany because Arthur is there
so that you guys can get married tomorrow.
- Excuse me? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
He didn't want the wedding to be a burden on you,
so when he heard about the trip, he hatched a plan.
Which was actually very thoughtful and sweet.
And we're screwing the whole thing up
by dying by the side of the road.
W-Wait just a minute.
Arthur is in Tuscany?
At the hotel, and everyone flew in,
and everything is set up.
It's ready to go.
Y-You don't have to do anything.
Except show up, which was our job.
And we're still gonna make it,
because the wedding is all set for tomorrow morning.
So, surprise!
Huh?
She's not saying anything.
Do you think she's mad?
Uh, maybe a little in shock.
- Viv? - Yeah, just...
Wh-What are you thinking, Slim?
Huh?
Fuck!
At least she's talking.
- Fuck! - Oh, yikes.
A surprise wedding, and this happens.
You do not see that as a sign?
I mean, a big sign that this whole thing is doomed?
No. No, it's not.
- We're still gonna get there. - And that is right,
because at any minute,
a car's gonna come right down that road,
and we'll be on our way.
Well...
And if it doesn't?
Because it's...
feels like the world is conspiring against me.
I mean, look, maybe this really is not meant to be, guys,
and-and I just have to stop
blowing past all the warning signs.
Wait, wait. Shut up for a sec.
No, she's making a decent point.
Thank you.
Shh.
Do you hear that?
- What? - I can't... I don't...
- Oh, my God. Look. - Oh! Look!
- Look. Look, look, look, look.
A car! Oh, my God.
- Okay. - Oh, my God.
Look alive, ladies.
We've got a wedding to get to!
- Don't let him drive past us. - Oh, please, God, please.
How's that for a sign?
Our luck has turned.
Thank God.
Officer?
DIANE and VIVIAN: Oh.
Whoa.
DIANE, CAROL and VIVIAN: Hi.
- Buonasera, signore. Buonasera.
- What? - Um...
Oh, we-we just...
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute. - We... Wait. Oh.
Well, I... - Parlate italiano?
- DIANE and SHARON: Uh, no. No.
I can't believe you guys.
A buff cop just happens to drive by.
- Uh... - Oh, okay.
Let's go. Take your shirt off.
- What? No. - No. N-No. No, Viv.
-What, you want to start with the pants?
Uh, no, no. Oh, oh, oh.
- No, y-you don't understand. - Oh, I see.
You want me to help you?
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... - No! What are you doing?
No, wait. No, wait, wait.
Show us your concealed weapon.
- No, Viv. Viv, stop. - I-Ignore her.
- He's, um... - This is not a stripper.
Oh, yeah. Nice try.
- Uh, uh, um... - Oh!
We're sorry, but th-that's our car,
and we don't have a spare tire in it, so we...
we're hitchhiking.
Hitch... Ah, hitchhike.
- Okay. - Yes.
It was... it was an innocent mistake.
You know, and in my defense,
you guys have been full of surprises.
And come on. You saw the guy.
It's been a while, but he did have
some exotic-dancer-like qualities.
I do think he missed his calling.
Well, we-we had a good run, didn't we?
Hmm. - I mean, we just pushed past
the point of common sense.
Who do we think we are, The Rolling Stones?
And we just thought we'd keep rocking forever? Ugh.
This needed to happen.
It did. It did. This is the universe
hitting the eject button on me and Arthur
- once and for all. Ugh.
Best friends, tough love.
Stop giving the universe and fate credit for everything.
You're making a choice.
What?
We're on this trip not because of fate
but because we're best friends for 50 years.
We show up for each other.
Fate didn't bring us on this trip.
Our love for each other did.
Love and the wonderful people at Lufthansa.
It was a nice flight.
You're not marrying Arthur because of fate.
You're marrying Arthur because you put in the hard work.
Because you committed to him.
Because you love him.
That's a big deal, and you should be proud of that.
She makes a really good point.
You should definitely listen to her.
- Oh. And not you? - Yeah.
I think things are just a little bit different for me.
Oh, God. - What?
Here we go.
Let me get out my tiny violin.
- What? - Hey.
- Whoa. - Best friends, tough love.
You always play the victim.
What are you talking about?
"I'm pregnant, so I can't do this."
Or, "I'm married, so I can't do that."
"I couldn't even try that
because I'm gonna fall flat on my face."
You do think of excuses not to do things.
Enough. Enough.
Okay, fine.
Yeah, okay.
What?
Fine. I mean, I get it.
And you're right.
- Oh. - Oh.
Okay. Good.
- Do me. Do my... What?
Do my tough love.
Honestly, I think you are doing just fine.
Yeah. I mean, I've got nothing.
You've... You made love in a water taxi in Venice.
- You've had an amazing life.
Just don't get another cat.
- No. - Oy.
- And there you have it. Ah.
We'll always have Venice.
Is that the line?
Paris. "We'll always have Paris."
It's from Casablanca.
But Venice works, too.
- Okay. - Oh, my God.
A good night of sleep will make us all
feel better, I'm sure.
Luckily, that's not an option.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is. Signora Troublemaker.
God. You again?
I should say the same thing.
I have some bad news.
The juicer's broken,
so our juice won't be fresh-squeezed this morning?
Comedy. You don't do comedy?
I think you're growing on him.
- Rico. - Oh.
Look what he got from Trenitalia.
It was turned in with your luggage tag.
- No. - Oh, God.
You've got to be kidding me.
The ashes?
So, you're aware it's illegal? Hmm?
- Oh, we had a feeling. Oh, God.
This wedding is doomed.
Wedding?
This is a bachelorette trip, no?
A surprise wedding.
Her first one.
Oh. I'm sorry.
You don't have to be a jerk about it.
I'm not. I mean it.
Although, in hindsight, I wish I missed my first wedding.
Maybe it's a blessing.
No. This one was meant to be.
Well, obviously not.
We're destined to fail.
- I'm not cut out to be married.
I think we can all agree on that.
Chief, are you happy you got to be part of the end
of this fairy tale for this woman?
Does that make you feel good?
No, actually.
But this is life.
It's not fair.
It doesn't always feel good.
But what can I do?
No one ever thinks they can do anything.
I... I'm so sick of it.
Everyone always just throws up their hand and says,
"Well, it's not meant to be."
It's pathetic.
Y-You're a police chief.
Don't tell me you got into this work
without wanting to make a difference, did you?
Didn't you think,
"I'm the good guy, I'm the hero"?
Isn't that what you thought?
And-and-and now what?
Nothing? Now "that's life"?
No.
Life is what you make of it.
So do something.
Do something brave.
Do something unexpected.
But do something,
because you have four women in a jail cell
who are desperately hoping for a reason to believe
there's still a reason to believe.
So do something, goddamn it,
because this isn't the end of the freaking story.
I have an idea.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, you're letting us go?
Oh, God. Tell me that clock is fast.
Nothing in this country is fast.
Chief.
I've got one passenger
that needs to be dropped off a little early.
You think you could make that happen?
That would require a permit.
- Oh. Wait.
Or a special... special police permission.
I know a place.
Go for it. - Huh?
Go for it.
You can do it, Diane.
Careful, Diane!
Careful!
I can't open it.
The top, it's stuck.
I can't... I... What the...
- I can't open it.
Oh, my God!
- Diane!
Oh, my... Careful! Oh, careful!
Oh, God.
I did it.
He really was such a good man.
- He really was. - Yeah.
I really did love him.
- He loved you, too.
- He would've liked this, right? - Yeah.
I mean, well, minus the skydiving part.
- Thank you. - Oh.
I knew I liked you the moment I met you.
For me, it took a little longer.
How can I repay you?
Save me a dance, and we call it even.
Bring the handcuffs, and you've got a deal.
Buongiorno!
The bride is here.
Grazie al Signore.
My name is Pasquale, and I'm ready to marry you.
Get in line, Pasquale.
She's taken.
I sleep, breathe... I dream your wedding.
I live to make this wedding happen.
It is my oxygen.
That's so nice. Thank you.
Yes, but do you think that maybe we should get going?
Siì, si, siì, si. Andiamo.
Music to my ears.
Oh, my God.
Only a little behind schedule.
No worries.
I will check on the groom and be back to you
- molto, molto presto. - Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Oh. I-I'm gonna go call Bruce.
- Oh. - I'll catch up.
- Okay. Okay. - O-Okay, great.
Let-let's meet in Viv's room.
- We made it. - Yes.
Few moment more.
- Per favore. Per favore.
Ciao, Pasquale.
Signor Arthur!
Signor Arthur.
What's the good word, Pasquale?
I am very happy to say your bride-to-be is officially here.
Shall I take you to her?
Oh, I believe that it's bad luck for the groom
to see the bride before the ceremony, isn't it?
I don't believe in luck.
I believe in love.
Well, that's why we're all here.
But when you've waited as long as I have,
what's a few more minutes?
It's true.
Oh, my God.
This is the best sight I've seen in all of Italy.
Oh.
I missed you so much.
Mmm.
You think this is really gonna happen?
Mm-hmm.
- I do. I think so. - Mm. Good.
- Yeah. - I love a wedding.
Such a romantic.
- I better change, though. - Better not.
Oh. -I love you just the way you are.
Oh, come on. Don't burn up all your romanticism.
I mean, we still got a long day ahead of us.
You know I don't...
Oh, my God.
Oh, Mitchell.
- What did you do? - I had no choice.
When I saw that picture, I... I had to make a call.
I can't wear this, can I?
Donato assured me that this dress was perfetto for today.
So, who am I to argue?
You're real trouble, you know that?
That's why I'm here.
Yeah. Trouble.
Oh, Viv.
Look at you.
You look truly beautiful.
You think? Yeah?
- Thank you. - Stunning.
Thank you. So do you.
Are we ready for this?
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, hi.
That's the dress.
- Uh-huh. - How did you get it?
- Oh, Mitchell. - Oh, my God.
This guy pulls things out of his sleeve.
I know.
Bruce still isn't answering his phone.
- Oh. - Sorry.
Oh.
- Oh, my God. Oh!
You all look so beautiful.
Oh, God.
Why do I feel so nervous?
No, it's-it's just wedding day jitters.
It's just totally normal.
This is it.
- Yeah. - This is it.
It's gonna be great.
Can I just say how much I love you all?
And this was the best bachelorette trip
I could imagine.
- That is so good,
because it's the best one we could've thrown.
- Yeah. Big-time.
We way over-delivered.
- Yeah, what else is new? - Yeah.
- Okay, I need a hug. - Ooh!
All right.
Aw.
You're the loves of my life.
- You know that. - No.
Oh, we love you, too.
And I love you all, but it's time.
Let's get you in that dress.
- Okay.
Oh, here.
- Mmm. - Oh.
- Um, yeah.
- I hope that was mine.
- Whoa. - Oh. -Oh.
Hmm. - Okay.
Well, one of these was definitely not mine.
Showtime, people.
For real this time.
Well, here we go.
Oh, God.
- What? - What?
What?
- I think I'm gonna be sick. - Oh, no.
Well, you know what that means, don't you?
No. What?
You're pregnant.
I mean, at least that's what it meant at my wedding.
- Seriously, I... - Huh? Huh?
This is crazy.
I don't know why I agreed to do this.
I mean, it makes no sense.
Of course not. But don't you understand?
That's what makes it so amazing.
Loving someone and having them love you
is reason enough.
Look at you. Look where we are.
Look at what we've been through.
We made it. And you, Viv.
You have never been one to follow the flock,
because you are your own drummer boy, okay?
So just trust your heart, Viv.
Trust it. Trust it.
'Cause it always guides you right.
Always.
She's right, Slim.
You deserve your fairy-tale ending.
Let's go get it.
Yeah, you've earned it.
Think of all we've overcome to get here.
That's true, and now all the problems are behind us.
We have a problem.
I knew as soon as I said it.
It's fine. We are going to make a little pause.
A pause?
Wha... Wh-Why?
The priest is missing.
The priest is missing?
This feels like a bad omen.
Mm-mm-mm.
Oh, fine.
I'll do it.
What?
I'll perform the ceremony.
- Really? - Yeah. I'll marry you.
What? - Yes!
What good is a judicial title
if you can't degrade yourself in front of your friends?
- Come on. Let's do it.
Yeah. Yes.
- The wedding is back on.
- From the top.
Hey.
Nice save, Your Honor.
You have no idea.
Okay, and now it's time.
Ah. It's time.
Mm.
- Okay. - It's time.
- Ooh.
- Oh, oh, that's-that's me. - What? Oh.
Sorry. Oh, it's Bruce.
- Go. Take it. - Uh, no.
- I can call him back. - Take it!
Okay.
- Bruce? Hi. Un min... momento.
- Continue, please.
Continue. Just one more tiny moment.
- Grazie. Grazie, grazie.
I got your message, Carol.
I also got your pictures.
The ones with you and Dough Boy.
It isn't what you think.
What are you trying to do, give me another heart attack?
- Is that your plan? - No. No, Bruce.
Don't even joke about that.
Believe me, when I get home,
things are gonna be so different.
Our adventure isn't over yet.
I never should've told you not to come. It...
Are you sure?
If I could snap my fingers and fix it all, I would. I...
Y-You should be here. It's so beautiful.
You don't think the flowers are a little bit overdone?
What?
The flowers.
I think there's one too many.
Well, that's better.
- Oh, my God. - Hi.
- Bruce, you're here. - Hey.
Oh, God. I can't believe it.
Well, I wasn't gonna miss the chance to walk
my favorite girl down the aisle. Come on.
Unless, of course, you prefer Dough Boy.
I've got his number. Do you want me to call him?
Shut up and kiss me.
Mmm.
Oh, this is Bruce. Sorry.
Oh, thank goodness. Bruce is here.
To make it official.
Nice dress.
- You like it? - Mm-hmm.
- I just found it in the closet. - Mm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Wow.
- Well...
...here we all are, which is shocking.
And not just because we spent last night in a jail cell.
It's shocking because I've known this woman
since we were 19 years old
and I never thought there would be a man
she was willing to walk down the aisle for.
But there is such a man,
and he's well deserved of that unique achievement.
And of my dear friend's hand in marriage.
- To begin... - Um, uh, h-hold...
Can I... Can I just say something quickly?
O-Of course. This is your big day.
Arthur, is it okay if I talk to you for just a second
as though I didn't have this dress on and...
and you didn't have two rings in your pocket?
Sure.
The truth is I never wanted to be a wife.
You know, I always saw a wedding ring as a chain.
You know, a... a one-link chain of...
of limitation.
But there is no limit to the love that I have for you.
You know, that's what I've realized.
That's why I'm here today.
I love you, Arthur.
I love you. I want to move to New York with you.
I want to walk in the streets with you.
I want to make love in the park with you.
Well, not the dirty part of the park.
You know, the-the clean part,
with the trees and the grass and no syringes.
We've spent a lifetime apart.
Now we have to figure out a way how to squeeze a lifetime
into the time we have left.
And we can do it.
We can.
I choose you, Arthur Riley.
I choose you today and every day.
- You may kiss the bride.
Wait.
Aren't I supposed to say something?
Oh. Oh, right, sorry. I-I got swept away.
And-and now, Arthur with his closing remarks.
Vows, whatever. Go.
You don't want to be a wife, do you?
You don't want to be married.
That's what you just said, isn't it?
Yes, I-I guess I did, yeah.
There was a part of me that believed
that you really wanted to be married, but...
...who was I kidding?
I knew you'd do this.
I knew it.
Vivian...
I don't need the title of husband,
and I don't need the institution of marriage
to know that I'm gonna choose you every day.
I proposed to you when we were in our 20s
'cause I was so damn in love with you that I-I knew then
that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.
And as luck would have it, or some divine masterstroke,
we reconnected.
And I'll be damned if I don't still feel the same.
But a little differently.
Oh, I don't love you any less.
And I think I may understand you a little better.
You're...
like this ring that I'm holding.
A complete and perfect circle unto your own.
And if you're not always free
to roll on your own the way you want,
then you're not you.
And it's you that I love.
You're my perfect circle.
So, if you'll allow me a do-over,
I'd like to ask my question again.
Aw.
Vivian, I love you with all my heart.
That has never changed, and it never will.
But I just got to know...
will you not marry me?
There's nothing I'd love more.
You're supposed to wait for my cue.
Nobody ever waits for my cue.
May you always love each other as you do today.
I now pronounce you not husband and wife.
- Yes!
Yay!
Oh, my God!
- Thanks, man. - Oh, my God.
Congratulations, you handsome devil.
He gets it!
Thank you.
We did it.
We made it to the end!
- Wait a second. Come on. - What? What do you mean?
- Get back up here. - Wait, what?
- Get back up here. - Oh.
Can we wait one second, please?
Hmm?
Give me one second.
You said some things back there about marriage
I've never heard you say before.
Uh-huh.
Uh, can we pause the music a second, please?
Did you mean what you said-- that love was reason enough--
or were those just words?
Mitchell, is this really the best time?
I think it is.
Well, fine. Why not?
I guess it's as good a time as any.
It is.
Maybe a few days ago, it would've been just words,
but not today.
- Mm. - It's... it's so easy
to believe in things when we're young, isn't it?
And we can do whatever we want, and everything is possible.
And then we get older,
and life starts to silence us.
- But guess what. - What?
- The whisper is still there. - Mm.
And if you pay close enough attention,
- you're gonna hear it. - Mm.
In my case, it was a trip with my friends.
And I heard it in the art we saw.
Remember the art?
And the moments that we shared together.
And the whisper just got a little bit louder,
and everything started to feel a little more possible.
And now, here I am standing in front of the man I love,
surrounded by my best friends in the world,
and all I can see is what's in front of me.
- Mm. - So, you want to know
- what I think, really? - Yes.
I think love is reason enough
and the rest of our lives start today,
so what are we waiting for?
- I'm not waiting. - Oh, you're not?
- Okay. Okay. I'm here.
Oh, boy. I'm not sure how you follow that.
You don't follow that. You just ride alongside of it.
And you thank your lucky stars every day that you do.
Diane, I've never... I've never been married before
because I never found someone that made me see
the reason why I should.
Don't you dare move.
Oh. What?
Don't...
Arthur, the ring. I need the ring.
I don't...
Congratulations.
Uh-huh. - Thank you.
Oh, no.
- I can't believe it. - Diane...
- Okay, yes. Oh, my God.
Yes. Yes.
You're my reason.
Will you marry me?
And I promise I'm not asking because I'm pregnant.
Yes.
Hell yes, I'll marry you.
I'll marry you right now.
- Oh, my God. Bruce.
Congratulations.
- Di! - Well, this is fun.
- Yes. - Diane, you crazy person.
Do you take Mitchell to be your lawfully wedded husband,
to love and cherish you from this day forward?
Yes.
You're supposed to say, "I do."
Oh, okay.
I... I say...
- yes, I do.
I'll take it.
DIANE [laughing]: I'm sorry.
And, Mitchell, do you take Diane and all her delightful insanity
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
- I do, and I can't wait.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Nobody waits for my cue.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Hey, Chief.
How does a woman in her 70s
- end up getting married?
In Italy, no less.
She takes control of her own destiny.
- Gosh.
I love you. Love you.
What's she doing?
- Okay, run.
No, actually, let's walk fast.
- What-what are you...
What are you doing?
So... So, I'm gonna do this honeymoon thing,
but I just wanted to ask,
well, what are we doing next?
I don't know, but I know one thing for sure--
we're not gonna leave it up to fate.
- Right! - Aw.
I love you guys!
♪ Hey, hey
♪ Now it's hey, mambo
♪ Mambo italiano
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ Mambo italiano
♪ Go, go, Joe
♪ You mixed-up siciliano
♪ All you calabrese
♪ Do the mambo like crazy
♪ And hey, mambo
♪ Don't wanna tarantella
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ No more the mozzarella, hey, mambo ♪
♪ Hey, mambo italiano, try an enchilada ♪
♪ With the fish-a baccalà and ♪
♪ Hey, goombah
♪ I love-a how you dance rumba
♪ But take-a some advice, paisano ♪
♪ Learn how to mambo
♪ If you're gonna be a square
♪ You're never gonna go nowhere ♪
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ Mambo italiano
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ Hey, mambo italiano
♪ Go, go, Joe
♪ Shake-a like a Giovanno
♪ Hello, che si dice?
♪ Get-a happy in the feets-a
♪ When you mambo italiano
♪ Shake-a, baby, shake-a
♪ 'Cause I love-a when you take-a me and ♪
♪ Hey, jadrool
♪ You don't-a have to go to school ♪
♪ Just make a little beef flambino ♪
♪ It's-a like-a vino
♪ Kid, you good-lookin'
♪ But you don't know what's a-cookin' till you ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey - ♪ Hey, hey
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey - ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey
♪ Shake-a, baby, shake-a
♪ 'Cause I love-a when you take-a me ♪
♪ By the pizzeria, that's-a where I'm gonna be-a ♪
♪ Don't you tell your mama, mama's gonna tell-a papa ♪
♪ There's-a nothin' to it, come on, baby, let's-a do it ♪
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ Mambo italiano
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ Mambo italiano
♪ Go, go, Joe
♪ You mixed-up siciliano
♪ It's so delish-a, everybody come ♪
♪ Capisce how to
♪ Mambo italiano...
♪ Hey, mambo
♪ Do the mambo.
♪ Hey, hey, hey
♪ Sign me up
♪ For sunsets on a Roman patio
♪ Hop a train
♪ And say hello to Michelangelo ♪
♪ Spin the globe, put your finger down ♪
♪ I'll pick you up, let's go
♪ Hey, hey, hey
♪ I would go anywhere with you
♪ From Tokyo all the way to Timbuktu ♪
♪ Just let me pack, I got your back ♪
♪ Through all the thick and thin ♪
♪ Our dandelion dreams
♪ Are out there blowing in the wind ♪
♪ My friends, I would go anywhere ♪
♪ Oh, anywhere with you
♪ Pitch a tent
♪ At Burning Man, get crazy for a while ♪
♪ Jump a float
♪ At Mardi Gras just to see you smile ♪
♪ Tell me where you want to go
♪ Train or plane, sun or snow
♪ Life's too short for saying no ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey
♪ I would go anywhere with you
♪ From Tokyo all the way to Timbuktu ♪
♪ Just let me pack, I got your back ♪
♪ Through all the thick and thin ♪
♪ Our dandelion dreams
♪ Are out there blowing in the wind ♪
♪ My friends, I would go anywhere ♪
♪ Oh, anywhere with you
♪ My friends, I would go anywhere ♪
♪ Oh, anywhere with you
♪ Aisle or window, I don't care ♪
♪ How many hours till we're there ♪
♪ I want a dry martini in the air ♪
♪ And a seat right next to you
♪ Punch my ticket, count me in
♪ Dance till dawn with all my friends ♪
♪ Read the book right to the end ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey
♪ I would go anywhere with you
♪ From Tokyo all the way to Timbuktu ♪
♪ Just let me pack, I got your back ♪
♪ Through all the thick and thin ♪
♪ Our dandelion dreams
♪ Are out there blowing in the wind ♪
♪ My friends, I would go anywhere ♪
♪ Oh, anywhere with you
♪ My friends, go anywhere
♪ Oh, anywhere with you
♪ My friends, go anywhere
♪ Oh, anywhere
♪ With you.