Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[announcer] All right, Sydney Opera House!
Please welcome to the stage, Celeste Barber!
♪ So when you're ready to go Just take it out to the floor ♪
♪ If you got moves, let 'em show ♪
♪ 'Cause you know we 'bout to throw down In this place, light it up ♪
♪ Sit back and we'll… ♪
-Hi! Fuck yeah! -[audience cheering]
Yes!
♪ So if you're ready to go Just take it out to the floor… ♪
Oh yeah! [laughs]
Hiya, Sydney! What's up?
-[audience cheering] -[music fading]
Oh, this is awesome!
Hey, you guys, welcome to my Netflix special.
[audience cheering]
Ah, this is wicked.
-I'm so excited to be here. It's so… -[audience cheering]
My husband and I have been together for 19 years, right,
and the success of our relationship
is 100% based on distance.
[audience laughing]
And being away from each other.
We are so good at missing each other,
so good at it.
[chuckles]
But then lockdown happened…
[chuckles awkwardly]
…and he was everywhere.
[audience laughing]
All the fucking time.
If his face wasn't here,
his dick was here.
[audience laughing]
[groans]
Oh, you…
[audience laughing]
It's too much.
Everything was blown out of proportion, you know?
Everything was magnified.
Well, not his dick. That's to scale.
[audience laughing]
But 19 years, that's a long time, if you ask me.
We've been through a lot together.
I've been the stepmother to his daughter since I was 21.
We've got a really, really strong bond,
but I've gotta tell you, lockdown, it nearly broke us.
How the fuck did people fall pregnant during that time?
[audience laughing]
"This is our Covid baby."
"We couldn't keep our hands off each other."
How?
We couldn't get far enough away from each other the entire time.
Sometimes, we would just spend the whole day
sitting on opposite ends of the couch in complete silence,
and every now and then, just flip the bird at each other.
"There you are, mate. You can have that today."
"And take a couple for tomorrow as well."
[audience laughing]
Twenty minutes from divorce the entire time, we were.
The actress Jamie Lee Curtis, she's been married for 27 years, right?
[whispering] Twenty-seven years!
And she was asked a few years ago in an interview,
"What is the secret to a long marriage?"
And she said,
"Don't leave."
[audience laughing]
That's what she said. She went, "You just don't leave."
"Yeah, you just have to stay on the bus,
and the bus keeps on going."
"The scenery outside may change,
but you just have to stay on the bus."
[sarcastically] Aw.
Yeah, don't really think many of us are saying that after lockdown, are we?
No. I would've jackknifed that bus into a tree,
set fire to the fucker, and run a mile if I could've.
It wasn't all bad, I have to say.
I did learn a few things about my husband during that time.
I learned that every time he has a drink of water,
he wants a high five.
[audience laughing]
Every time.
"It's 10:00 a.m.,
and I've just finished my second liter of water."
"Well done, darling."
"The medal ceremony will be at 6:00. Good on you."
[audience laughing]
I learned that every time we have a fight, he cleans the house.
-[audience laughing] -Huh.
Oh yeah. You better believe I picked some unnecessary fights with that man.
I also realized how often he wants to have sex with me.
But more importantly…
[whispering] …how often I say no.
And I didn't realize. I didn't realize at all.
He'll try all different ways as well.
He'll try to be spontaneous.
"Hey, babe, look. The boys are on their iPads."
"Do you want a little bit of afternoon delight?"
And I'm like,
"No, thank you."
[audience laughing]
Or he'll try to be romantic.
"I just ran us a little bubble bath. Come on. Let's have a bath together."
I'm like, "I'm clean, mate. Get away."
He gave up after a while.
Sometimes, he'd jump out in front of me completely naked.
"What are you up to?"
[audience laughing]
[breathes heavily]
[chuckles sweetly] Aw.
"Nothing with you."
[audience laughing]
Even me lying there sound asleep didn't stop him.
I would be snoring, and he'd just go,
"Hey."
"You want a little…"
I'm like, "No, stop it. Get off!"
"Can't I just lie here and finish myself off, then?"
"Uh, yeah, but make sure you clean it up."
[audience laughing]
He goes, "Pardon?"
"I'll pick a fight with you later. Don't worry about it."
[audience laughing, clapping]
I will say, though,
after 19 years together,
he said the most romantic thing he has ever said to me during that time.
I'll never forget it.
He came up to me one day, and he looked into my eyes, and he said,
"Hey, babe."
"Let's go to bed and look at our phones until they run out of charge."
[audience laughing]
[moans sensually]
[grunts softly]
I fucked him all night.
[laughing, cheering]
[Celeste moans softly]
So being home with my kids full-time,
it made me realize how quickly they are growing up
and how much I am not coping with it.
I'm not coping with it at all.
I want… [groans] I want them to be babies forever.
I will scream at my children when they outgrow their clothes,
and I refuse to buy them new ones.
"You made that choice to grow up. Sucked in. That's on you."
My 11-year-old's clothes are so tight,
he's at school in a tank top like a fucking Britney fan.
"Get in there, babe. She's free. Represent. Off you go. Get in."
My boys are eight and eleven.
I still sanitize their dummies just in case.
Sometimes, I push them over and hope they'll cry
and only wanna hug me.
I wasn't able to breastfeed either of my boys when they were babies,
and now I'm like, "You guys wanna try? We should try."
"Let's try."
[whimpers]
I'm not okay.
So I'm trying to grab as many moments with them as I can.
So when I'm at home, I've started this little nightly routine with the boys,
A little turndown service, if you will.
My boys, they share a room.
They always fucking will.
And they've got two single beds,
and I like to go in there and get it set up for them.
So I'll turn down the lights, put some stars on the ceiling,
and, you know, maybe some lavender smells or something really lovely.
And then the boys come in, and they hop into bed,
and we like to sing a little song together.
Um, we love the classics. Our favorite is…
♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star ♪
♪ How I wonder what you are… ♪
[chuckles wistfully]
I always think about, like, what memories my boys are gonna have when they're older
and about what memories they're gonna have of me as well,
and I really, really hope this is one of them
'cause I think it's just such a special time for them.
So I started adding wine to this little nightly routine.
[audience laughing]
What? Well, it can't be all about the children!
And, look, let's face it. It was during lockdown,
so I was fuck-eyed drunk midweek most of the time.
And after a couple of bottles of wine by about, oh, 5:00 p.m.,
I realized I was moving a little bit away from singing "Twinkle, Twinkle"
and moving a little bit more toward performing Kasey Chambers circa 2002.
♪ Am I not pretty enough? ♪
♪ Is my heart too broken? ♪
And you just know that that shit cranks up as the weekend rolls around.
You know, by Saturday, we've opened up a bottle of tequila.
The baggies have come out.
[audience laughing]
And I realize, well, they're growing up,
everything's fucked,
and we're all gonna die anyway, so…
♪ Absolutely everybody Everybody, everybody ♪
♪ Absolutely everybody In the whole wide world ♪
[audience cheering]
Yeah, by Sunday, my kids are traumatized.
[audience cheering, clapping]
Yeah.
Yeah, Sunday's fun. [chuckles]
I just walk around the house, like, "Come on, boys."
"It's time for our nightly routine,"
and I realize they've been in bed since 2:00 p.m.,
pretending to be asleep, like…
"Ooh, fuck."
Kids are so smart these days. Holy shit!
They are so smart now.
Like, I knew nothing when I was growing up.
Nothing at all.
And that is how me and my parents liked it.
You know, if my parents said we were going somewhere,
you just got in the car.
Right?
Yeah, you just got in the car.
You didn't ask where you were going.
[audience laughing]
Fucking idiot.
You just got in the car.
Or if you did ask,
because you were forced to by your stupid sister,
it was always met with clenched teeth and a glare from my dad, going…
[angrily] …"Get in the car."
"Oh shit. Sorry."
My parents would just blatantly lie to us.
They were like, "Come on, girls. We're gonna go to Disneyland!"
And you'd find yourself lying there,
getting your first pap smear. Like, "What the…?"
[audience laughing]
[grunts uncomfortably]
"I didn't think Splash Mountain was like this."
[groans]
Can't do that these days.
Oh, no way.
Woke little fucks.
They'd have a restraining order out on you if you did that.
I need to give my children
a full-blown itinerary of what we are doing every single day,
and I need to check in with them every ten minutes
to make sure they are emotionally vibing with the day's schedule.
[audience laughing]
It's too much.
It's just… It's exhausting.
But I'm trying to keep up. I'm really trying to keep up.
See, my boys were playing together,
and my eight-year-old called my eleven-year-old a pussy.
And I went, "Excuse me, no."
"Please do not say that to him. That is derogatory to women."
And he came marching back in to me,
and he went, "Why? I didn't say it to you,
and he's not a woman."
[audience laughing]
[whispers] Fuck.
[audience laughing]
Ah, fuck.
That's so smart.
I love watching my boys play.
It reminds me of when I used to play with my big sister.
Olivia is about four years older than me.
And I was absolutely obsessed with her when we were growing up,
and we were completely different as well.
She was all like Pearl Jam and angst.
[grunting disdainfully]
[audience laughing]
[grunts]
And I was all like Spice Girls and Ritalin sandwiches.
[audience laughing]
[audience members cheering]
But I was obsessed with her,
and it didn't matter what she did to me either.
She once used my head as a step
to get into the pool.
[audience laughing]
Just quickly,
we had steps to get into the pool, they were fine to use.
But she wanted to use my head.
So I was in the pool.
She stood on my head, and as she dived off,
she flicked my head, and I went on the side of the pool.
[imitates thud]
Blood went fucking everywhere.
And I remember as I was coming up from my bloodbath,
she was just screaming at me,
going, "Don't tell Mum!"
And I was like,
"I won't."
"I won't. Please, please, just keep playing with me, please."
She also told me
that we had an older brother named Michael
and that he had died from face rabies.
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
Yeah. The worst type of rabies.
[audience laughing]
She made me promise I wouldn't say anything to Mum and Dad
'cause it was still really hard for them.
She told me
that Mum and Dad had buried him under the garage to keep him close.
[audience laughing]
She then took me down to said garage
so we could "remember him" together.
And as I was frantically looking around for the shrine to Michael,
she pushed me in there, turned the light off,
closed the door, and locked it.
[audience laughing]
I didn't care. So long as she wanted to hang out with me,
I was more than happy to be haunted by my fake dead brother's ghost.
[audience cheering]
The only people cooler than my big sister when I was growing up were her friends.
Oh shit!
When her friends used to come around to our house,
I would turn it on.
Honestly, they would get the best of me.
You fuckers have to pay for it. They got it for free.
Yeah. I loved it.
It was like the Super Bowl for me. I got so excited.
I remember my mum would be like, "Olivia? Jane's here,"
and I'm like, "Oh, we're fucking on."
[audience laughing]
"Fucking of course Jane's here."
"Fucking Jane."
"Yeah, fucking Jane."
"Jane's here!" I was so excited.
I'd just walk up to my parents like, "Look alive, you two."
"Don't you fuck this up for me."
"Jane!"
"Jane!" I was on.
The second Jane walked into my house,
I'd never been cooler. Coolest person ever.
Just walked up to her and I was like, "Hey."
"Jane, is it? Whatever, yeah."
"Yeah. Saw you at school today. Didn't care."
[audience laughing]
I just spoke directly to Jane!
And then I'd hide in really random parts of the house,
just in case I was needed for anything.
"Hide and seek? No, okay."
Or maybe Jane needed a snack.
And then I'd just appear from nowhere,
like a real estate agent at my own open home.
All the useless information in the world.
"Jane, how you going? Nice to see you."
"You after a snack, are you? I can help you with that."
"Just come through the open-plan kitchen. I'll take you to the pantry."
"You'll notice here at the pantry
that when you open the door, the light goes on."
"Not many people know that."
"So please help yourself to a snack, and if you want, a little bit later,
I'll show you how to use the steps to get into the pool."
[audience laughing]
Yeah, I've never been great socially. [laughs]
No. And it's only getting worse
because now people actually wanna hang out with me.
And I don't want to.
And I'm… I don't wanna do it.
'Cause I don't know how to do it. I find it hard.
I find small talk really, really hard.
Like, I'm great for five minutes.
I could walk into any party,
make some inappropriate yet hilarious observations of everyone,
and then I'll compliment the host
on her really amazing, expensive decor.
And then I'm out.
I have got nothing else to offer.
And I start to panic,
and I'll start to make fun of some kid's underbite.
I'm like, "Fucking…"
[audience laughing]
It's not-- And my husband can see that I'm panicking as well,
and he just swoops in.
He fucking swoops in and gets me out of there like a hero.
I tell you what, my husband, he is so good in social situations,
which really fucks me off.
'Cause I just don't think someone who looks that good
should also be good at life. Know what I mean?
[audience laughing]
Like, pick a lane. Come on.
But he is. He's so good socially.
It's like he becomes a conversationalist.
Which is interesting because in our marriage, he's nonverbal,
yet with complete strangers, he's Chatty fucking Cathy.
[audience laughing, clapping]
Do you know his favorite place in the world?
Front seat of an Uber.
[audience laughing]
That's not what we call it.
[audience laughing]
He bloody loves the front seat of an Uber, and he'll fight me for it as well.
He's like, "Move, bitch. I've got fat to chew."
And he jumps up front and off he goes,
all Chatty McGee and emotionally available all of a sudden.
And then if there's just a bit of a natural lull in conversation,
he's got this repertoire of bullfuckery that he just whips out,
ready to go.
He's always got something to say about the weather.
He's got some very vague statistics on horticulture.
I'm just usually in the back… [chuckles]
…Googling myself.
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
[chuckles]
Also, "What is horticulture?"
And he's up front getting all political, having the time of his life.
So I've been watching him 'cause I wanna learn.
I wanna get better at it.
So we're at a family function, and I watched him.
He just walked up to a group of people he didn't know.
Like that too. No one was like, "Get over there, you fucker!"
He just did it on his own, walked up to a group of people.
And he started talking.
And they started talking back.
And then everyone was just chatting, and no one was sweating.
And all the women became really interested in horticulture all of a sudden.
And it looked quite enjoyable, so I thought, "I can do that."
"Oh, I can do that. That seems easy."
So I saw a group of people. I walked up to them, all confident.
And I went, "Hello." [chuckles nervously]
"Well, you all seem like cunts. Who wants a photo?"
[audience laughing, clapping]
Did anyone else think that an international pandemic
would be a good time to come off antidepressants?
[audience laughing]
No?
Just me?
Ah, let's get into it, then!
So, coming off antidepressants
is a bag of flaccid dicks.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
The worst.
And the antidepressants I was on,
they take about six weeks to come out of your system if you do it properly.
Look, you can do it cold turkey… [chuckles awkwardly]
…if you have a fucking death wish.
But it is advised that you do it slowly, yeah,
and just let them wean out of your system over about six weeks or so.
So I've wanted to come off antidepressants for ages
because I'm fixed. Yeah.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering, clapping]
[audience whistling, cheering]
Yeah, it's not how it works, but anyway…
But every time I talked to all of my doctors about it,
they were all like…
What am I, fucking Joe Rogan? "All of my fucking doctors."
Whenever I spoke to my two doctors about it,
they were like, well, it's not actually a really good time for me
'cause I was traveling so much, and work was just so up and down,
and they were like, "You just don't have any consistency in your life whatsoever."
[chuckles]
"Thank you so much."
So when lockdown happened, they thought, well,
now might be a good idea because I was just in one place.
I was like, "Yeah, that's a really great idea, you guys."
"That might be some of your best work, yeah."
"Yeah, let's trap her in a tiny apartment when nothing in the world is certain
and take away the one thing that's holding her together."
[audience laughing]
So I decided to do it,
and I gotta tell you,
it was really, really rough for me
because I realized when I was medicated,
I was kinda operating in a state of being a bit, like, numb and buzzed…
"Hey!" …all the time.
And then I realized when I was coming off antidepressants,
I was operating more in a state of being a bit kind of like
a complete fucking monster.
And no one did it tougher than my husband
because he just never knew what he was gonna get.
He'd come into the kitchen and be like, "Hi, babe. How you going?"
"Want anything from the shops?" And I was like,
[gasps]
"Fucking shops!" [squeals]
"Shop! Shop! Shop! Shop-shop! Shop! Fucking shops! Fucking…"
[grunting] "Fucking shops!"
"Ooh, what do I want from the shops? What don't I want? Shops!"
"Can I please have, uh…" [inhales deeply]
"…six Twix and four Mars Bars?"
"Oh, and some cinnamon."
[audience laughing]
He's like,
"Six Twix and four Mars Bars?"
And then I just turn, like…
[quietly] "And some cinnamon."
[whimpers]
[softly] "I wanted some cinnamon as well."
[wailing] "You never listen to me!"
[sobbing, stammering] "I want six Twix
and four Mars Bars…"
[squealing] "…and some cinnamon!"
And he's like, "Hey, it's okay. Come on."
"It's gonna be okay."
"Oh, it's okay, is it?"
[audience laughing]
Huh.
"Oh, it's gonna be okay, is it?"
"The blatant disrespect that I constantly get…"
I became like a wronged Cate Blanchett.
Like, "How dare you, of all fucking people,
think you can speak to me--"
And every character from Lord of the Rings, it seems.
"You think you're going to the shops, my precious?"
"Think again, motherfucker!"
[audience laughing, cheering]
[audience clapping, whistling]
It was a really magical time for all of us, I think.
[audience laughing]
So, I've also got ADHD.
-[audience laughing] -It's-- That's not the joke.
[audience laughing]
Good to know where we're at though, Sydney. Good to know.
[audience cheering]
ADHD.
Attention deficit hyperactive disorder,
which pretty much means I find it really hard
to retain anything,
and I find it really hard to, like, stay still, and, um,
focus.
Now, I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 16,
and back then, oh my God,
there was so much shame around it.
Like, I thought my whole world was over when I was diagnosed.
I was so embarrassed, and I didn't want anyone to know.
And I found school impossible, right,
so my parents thought they'd try and talk to some of the teachers,
just to let them know that I had been diagnosed
and I was starting medication,
in a bit of a hope to try and get them onboard.
It didn't work.
I remember one of the teachers was like, "Well, Celeste, you know,
now you need to take all the rubbish out
for the whole school for the rest of the year,
and we won't tell your classmates that you're a bit fucking…" [mumbles]
[audience laughing]
Terrible!
It's much better now, which is good. It's…
it's kinda cool to have ADHD now.
[audience cheering]
And everyone seems to have it.
[audience laughing]
And everyone seems to use it as a bit of an excuse, don't they?
Someone will cut in front of you at the café.
Like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. That's because I'm neurodiverse."
And I'm like,
"Uh, hello…" [chuckles]
"Me too. I've been here for 40 minutes."
"Get to the back of the line, Elon Musk. Fuck off."
"Get out."
[audience clapping, cheering]
But people just throw these terms around now willy-nilly
to justify shitty behavior.
You know, you'll hear a politician say--
Sorry, "politician."
A pervert. Sorry.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Yeah, that joke hits differently in America.
[audience laughing]
Whew!
But you'll hear a politician at a press conference or something,
and they're like, "Yeah, hi. I've actually just been told that I'm on the…"
[whispers] "The spectrum."
[full voice] "…the spectrum."
"That's why I put my hand up her skirt. Okay."
Or you hear a footballer say…
[grunting]
-[audience laughing] -[Celeste grunts and laughs]
-[grunts] -[audience laughing]
[squeals, grunts]
[grunts] "No…"
[grunts] "…the only reason I sexually assaulted her
is because my mum just said that I've got ADHD."
[grunts]
No! I hate that.
I'm the poster girl for ADHD, right?
I was diagnosed young,
and I've been on and off medication for it for decades,
and I can tell you now,
I have never stuck my dick in anything that didn't want it.
[audience cheering, clapping]
[audience whistling]
[chuckles]
True story.
I've started a new medication for ADHD, which is good.
It helps me focus a little bit more,
but one of the side effects is that it really cranks up my anxiety.
It's actually quite full-on.
So I have to move my body to be able to cope with it.
So I walk a lot.
I love walking. It's kinda… Walking is my jam.
And I do it as often as I can. I get up as early as I can to do it.
Try and get up about 6:00 a.m. to get it done when no one's around.
Or so I thought. Turns out there's a lot of people up at 6:00 a.m. walking.
And everyone that's up at 6:00 a.m. walking
fucking love to talk about being up at 6:00 a.m. walking.
[audience laughing]
It's like I joined some morning walking chatty club
that I don't wanna be a part of.
[audience laughing]
I'll just be out there, you know, dragging my sorry ass…
[groans wearily]
…just trying to get it done.
And then I'll see one of them.
It's usually, you know, an older, straight, white man
just out enjoying his privilege. "Hi."
[audience laughing]
"This works." [laughs]
Taking up all the path because he doesn't need to pick a side.
It's all fucking his.
[audience laughing]
But then, when he starts to get a little bit closer,
he's never too sure what side of the path to go on, is he?
Oh yeah. What a fun game to play at 6:00 a.m.
Fucking…
"You gonna…" And then when he gets closer again,
it's like it turns into some sort of Irish jig.
"Pick a side, Michael Flatley. Come on!"
[audience laughing]
My favorite people who are up at 6:00 a.m. walking
are women of a certain age,
and they're usually in a sun visor
and a fanny pack, because they don't know how long they're gonna be out for.
[audience laughing]
-Ugh. -[audience cheering]
They are out and about.
They have got absolutely nothing planned, yet no one's as busy as they are.
[audience laughing, clapping]
[audience laughing]
Busy. So much on.
So much to do. Tell you what they're not gonna do though.
Help out with the grandkids.
[audience laughing]
Oh!
[audience whistling]
I love those women.
The one person you cannot avoid on a morning walk
is a second-wave feminist who just finished her workout.
And she's always in matching active wear
that's just a shade too light or too dark for her skin,
so she always looks nearly completely naked.
And it freaks me out.
'Cause I don't know if she knows. It's early.
And I'm like,
"Oh, excuse me-- Oh, fucking hell!"
"Oh, no, sorry, it's just I could see the outline so I wasn't sure."
[audience laughing, clapping]
"Yeah, I get it. Free the nip, free the lip, whatever."
[audience laughing, cheering]
I love it.
And they're just so loud
and so confident,
and they want you to know how loud and confident they are.
They see me and they're like, "I see you there, my bitch."
"Look at you, you gorgeous girl."
"In your thinning tights and your oversized sweater. Yes!"
"Go and get that day by the balls, you sexy boss bitch."
"Look at us being boss bitches."
"And don't let any man, or unattractive woman,
tell you what you can't fucking have."
"We are bitches and bosses!"
[audience laughing]
[Celeste sighs]
Know what else I don't need in my walk?
Shitting dogs.
[audience laughing]
So many shitting dogs.
And they wait for me, I'm telling you.
They wait for me. They do.
They see me come around the corner,
and they hunch over.
[audience laughing]
And you just know their sphincter is going off in excitement.
And they stare into my soul.
And they shit
as the sun rises behind them.
And you can't get away from it. I'm telling you, I've tried.
You try not to make eye contact, and I run away.
[laughs] I don't run.
I walk away at a reasonable pace, and they come after me.
"Where you going? I could take this on the road."
Fuck.
Shitting dogs.
I get sent a lot of things these days.
Some of them are gifts from people, which is lovely.
People are very nice to me, and I really appreciate it. But--
-[applause] -Oh, thanks.
I have to say,
most of the things that get sent to me are usually products from companies.
They send them to me in the hope that I'll promote them
or do an unboxing. You know what unboxing is?
It's where a company will send a product
to an influencer,
and the influencer will set up 40,000 lights…
[audience laughing]
…lock their kids in the bathroom for two hours,
and then they will film themselves opening the gift, right?
Like… [nasal voice] "Oh my God, you guys!"
"I just got given this most amazing gift
from Prada."
"It's actually worth eleventy billion dollars,
and I thought it would be really amazing for me to share it with all of you
because you guys are never gonna have it 'cause you're broke and ugly."
[audience cheering]
"Like and subscribe."
[audience laughing]
Unboxing.
I was sent
eight vibrators in two months.
[audience laughing, cheering]
That is a lot of plastic dicks to be sent to your house.
And, look, I get it. I understand that I have a following
and an audience that I engage with,
and it would be smart for companies
to send me things in a hope that I would promote them
to you rock stars.
But eight dicks?
[audience laughing]
I… [sighs] I feel like
they've kind of missed the mark a little bit with me.
Someone in that office isn't doing their job.
I am not the most sexual person.
I barely put out.
[audience laughing]
-No. -[audience member whistling]
But look, ladies, I will say this.
I do believe that we all have, like,
you know, a little sex goddess within.
-[audience member cheers] -Whatever.
But I'm not the demographic because that is what society tell us.
That is what marketing tells us.
The people that you see in ads for vibrators
are usually really young, completely hairless
with very bushy eyebrows.
[audience laughing]
I'm not…
It's not…
[audience laughing, clapping]
It's not me.
It is not me. It is a very specific type of person.
Like, you would never see a teacher, I'm talking an actual maths teacher,
in an ad for a vibrator.
You all thinking about your maths teachers?
[audience laughing]
You should.
Can you imagine seeing a teacher in an ad for a vibrator? It'd be like,
"Had a hard day in class?"
[audience laughing]
[sighs]
[groans]
"Algebra really winding you up?"
[sighs]
"Sick of having to finger bang yourself behind the tuck shop?"
[audience laughing]
"Why not try the Jackrabbit 10,000?"
It would sell like hotcakes.
Now, I get these vibrators sent to me from a myriad of different companies.
-I got one sent from Gwyneth Paltrow. -[audience cheering]
[nasal voice] "Oh yeah, it was truly amazing, you guys."
"It was actually made from organic duck fat."
-[audience laughing] -Mm-hmm.
"And holistically sourced plastic
that actually benefits the ocean."
"Hmm. And one of the features is that when you insert it,
it just dissolves inside of you."
"And after you orgasm,
butterflies just fly out."
[audience laughing, clapping]
[audience cheering]
"And they turn into cash, and they fly back to Gwyneth."
[audience laughing]
I got another vibrator sent to me from a men's company.
That one came uncharged, and I had to pay for postage.
[audience laughing]
And that one
only had three settings on it
that all sounded like some form of car.
The first setting was like a car that wouldn't start. Like…
[imitates faltering engine]
[audience laughing]
The second setting was like an F1 race car.
[imitates speeding car] Fucking hell!
[audience laughing]
And the third setting sounded like some sort of tractor duck.
Like, "Quack-quack-quack-quack-quack!"
And it came with a really thick instruction manual,
about as thick as fucking Da Vinci Code.
"How many ways are there to use this thing?"
I thought I'd just stuck it in me and all of a sudden,
Lenny Kravitz would appear.
[audience cheering, laughing]
Oh, I love Lenny Kravitz.
Yeah, I really love Lenny Kravitz.
Yeah, he's got a lifetime membership to my wank bank, that man.
-Ooh! -[audience laughing]
Mm-hmm. Ooh yeah! You know what a wank bank is.
It's the stuff you think about when you wank
and you bank it.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles wistfully]
Wow, sorry. I also… [chuckles]
I also was sent a vibrator by Lily Allen,
but Lily was a little bit different
'cause it had, like, a little sucker. Like, a little…
[audience cheering]
I looked like Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker on a red carpet.
[audience laughing]
"Stop it!"
But I was excited to use Lily 'cause I thought it'd be
a little bit more than just the dull-down cattle prod I'm used to.
It might be a bit of a slow burn. Who knows?
Maybe some candles might light themselves, and some soft music will start playing.
Maybe that really hot guy from Bridgerton will just tap on the window.
[audience laughing]
Season one, yeah?
[audience cheering]
[shouts] What the fuck happened in season two?
[audience laughing]
I was watching season two of Bridgerton going,
"No. No."
"Why are they all talking and wearing clothes?"
"No. Back to season one."
Season one of Bridgerton has had over one billion downloads.
I'm half of those.
[audience laughing]
So I had a bit of time to myself. My husband took the kids out for an hour.
Or a year. I've got no fucking idea how long they were gone for.
And I was like,
"All right, Lily?"
"Whassup?"
And I popped Lily on my situation,
and oh my God!
I clamped down on that bitch.
Whew!
I clamped down on that bitch
like a Kardashian on a skinny, white fuckboy.
I was like, "Come here!"
[audience cheering, clapping]
Things got very intense very quickly.
There was no candles. No soft music.
Not a single member of the Bridgerton cast showed up.
Lily's got teeth.
[audience laughing]
She nearly bit my clit off.
There was nothing slow about it.
Instead, everything kinda happened all at once.
I laughed hysterically,
cried a little, farted…
[audience laughing]
[groans]
[exhales]
[groans awkwardly]
[sighs]
Came like a demon.
[audience laughing]
But then kinda randomly just found myself in the kitchen,
making kids' lunches with numb legs.
"Oh, Lily!"
"Oh, fucking Lily!"
"Oh, Lily!"
[audience laughing]
"Oh, Lily!"
[audience cheering, clapping]
[audience whistling]
I said that at one my other shows,
and a woman stood up and screamed out,
"Send the link!"
[audience laughing]
And sat back down next to her husband like, "Fucking don't you…"
"You get me perfume for Christmas every year."
"This year, I get my own gift."
"Send the link."
So it turns out
that I'm quite political.
I didn't know I was, but it turns out that I have got a lot to say
and absolutely nothing to back it up with.
Nothing at all.
But the Internet, it makes us all think that we should say
whatever we want, whenever we want, and however we wanna say it,
and that everyone in the world is dying to hear it.
The Internet makes us all now believe that we are much smarter,
talented, and skilled than we really are.
Like, I have never in my life
met more people who call themselves entrepreneurs
than I have in the past few months. Oh my God!
No one's just, like, a doctor.
Ugh!
Or, like, an engineer… Boring! …anymore.
No, everyone is an entrepreneur, and they love to tell you as well.
Like, "Yeah, hello. Hello! Hi, I'm an entrepreneur."
"Yeah, I'm an entrepreneur."
"And being an entrepreneur means that I assist in the content creation
of a multimedia platform, really focusing on the grassroots level
of connectivity between brands near and far and making sure
we have laser focus on buzzwords like "connectivity" and "grassroots."
"I'm an entrepreneur."
You're like, "Oh."
"Oh, okay."
"You sound very busy."
[chuckles]
"What does a work week look like for you?"
"Oh yeah, thank you. As an entrepreneur, entrepreneur, um, yeah…"
"I sell felt hats at the markets every other Wednesday
between 11:16 and 11:24."
"My partner's also an entrepreneur. He collects butterflies."
"Yeah. And actually his parents have just bought us
our second clifftop property, right next to Chris Hemsworth."
"We're doing really well."
"Oh. Oh, okay."
"Oh, no, I'm so sorry. You're not an entrepreneur."
"You're a cunt."
[audience laughing, cheering]
And they've always got really weird names as well, don't they?
They never used to.
In 1999, it was Troy and Alisha.
But now everyone knows them as Lacrosse and Spatula.
[audience laughing]
The world's gone mad.
Fucking bananas. Do you know who's gonna save us?
Rihanna.
[audience cheering]
Yeah, I shit you not, my friends.
Rihanna is gonna save us. She is the queen of all things.
She's all about inclusivity and body positivity,
and all the products she puts out into the world
do the exact same thing.
She has literally put her money where her mouth is, right?
She has a lingerie line called Savage X Fenty,
and it just caters to so many different types of bodies.
And now because of her,
other lingerie companies are starting to follow suit.
Even Victoria's Secret
has started to finally expand their size range, which is so great.
-Although I will… -[cheering]
…quickly say about Victoria's Secret,
they can try a little bit harder
because fuck knows they tried really hard to make us hate ourselves for decades.
-So they can… Yeah. -[audience cheering, clapping]
But now we have Rihanna,
and everything's fixed,
and her Savage X Fenty lingerie, it's just so sexy.
It's all really sexy. Even the names of the products are really sexy.
One of the products is called
the Glossy Flossy Quarter Cup Bra.
Yeah, no longer the Over Shoulder Boulder Holder.
[audience laughing]
Another product she's got is called the Little Tart Open-Back Skirt.
Shut up. That's hot. There's another one that's called
the Gathered Mesh Crotchless Catsuit.
[gasps]
That's hot.
I was on her website, buying everything,
and I realized the one thing she didn't have on there
was the Last Day of Period Odorless Oversize Undies.
[audience laughing]
You know the ones?
Yeah, you know the ones.
They hold your lettuce leaves in place while absorbing your womb juice?
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering, clapping]
[Celeste chuckles]
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
A guy up the back just went, "Oh my God!"
[audience laughing, cheering]
Oh, that makes me so happy!
Where did I lose you, sir?
Was it the lettuce leaves or the womb juice?
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Oh yes.
Have you guys ever seen a Savage X Fenty runway show?
-[audience members cheering] -Yeah, shit, Bill, it's hot.
Pop that in your wank bank. You can have that for free. Ooh.
Everyone on that runway is just so diverse.
There's just so many different types of bodies up there.
So many different shapes.
Big, small, Black, white.
Some are lumpy. Some are bumpy. Whatever.
But they are all very bendy.
People on that runway that can slut drop whilst licking their back
and keeping an assertive sexual eye contact at all times.
Queens so flexible that they can kick and twerk
and breastfeed all at the same time.
They're all just so sensual. I love it.
I'd love to see what some of those products look like
on someone who's had the body of a middle-aged woman
since the age of 12.
You know, someone who doesn't throw their leg up
every time "WAP" comes on,
but instead will actually go and get you
a bucket and a mop for your wet-ass pussy.
[audience laughing, clapping]
Yeah.
I would love to see
what a Mesh Crotchless Catsuit looks like
on someone named Patricia.
[audience laughing]
Yeah. We all know Patricia.
She's practical.
She's busy.
She's tired.
Hey, Patricia can be sexy when she wants to be, hey.
But if her husband tries to have sex with her more than twice a month,
she'll call the police.
Can you imagine Patricia backstage as well,
getting ready to go out?
Like, Cindy Crawford is back there,
just being Cindy fucking Crawford, being amazing.
Lizzo is backstage.
Lizzo just like, "Fucking yaah!"
[imitates flute]
Bitch!
[imitates flute]
"Yaah!"
And then they're like, "Patricia, it's your turn. Are you ready?"
And Patricia's like, "Yeah."
"I've been here for 40 minutes. Parking's a bitch."
"Can you hurry up, please? I've gotta do school pickup in 20 minutes."
And then Patricia would come forward,
and she would talk you through the pros and cons of every product.
"Hi, Patricia here. I'm not gonna waste your time."
"Just wanting to talk to you about the leather thong that I'm wearing."
"We don't recommend wearing this after having a spicy curry."
[audience laughing]
"'Cause look, as you know, it doesn't matter how many times you wipe,
sometimes things get stuck."
"I'll just let you know about the colors. This one comes in red, black,
and for a limited time only, puce."
"Now, moving on to the nipple tassels,
for you queens out there who, like me,
have nipples the size of dinner plates…"
[audience laughing, cheering]
"…don't get these."
"Hold out for the silk pasties. They'll be in in a month."
"And just lastly,
I wanted to talk to you all about the low-rise lace brief that I've got on."
"Getting a lot of emails online about this."
"You all wanting to know if you should purchase this particular product
if you have a gunt."
"Hmm?"
"And we say,
"'Abso-fucking-lutely.'"
"We are all about the gunt."
"We don't want you to shy away from said gunt."
"Instead, we want you to lean into it,
and just make a clear choice to either tuck her in
or just let her hang out."
[audience cheering, clapping]
[audience whistling]
I just wanna make sure all the cameras can get it.
[audience laughing]
All the guys on the cameras are like… "Yeah, we've got it."
[laughing, cheering]
[Celeste laughs]
So recently I wrapped filming
on my first Netflix TV show, which--
-[audience cheering] -Thanks.
Thanks, you guys. It was awesome.
Um, and in the show, I had to do my first-ever sex scene.
[groans]
And I had to come. I had to orgasm in the scene.
So much so that the first line of the scene is me saying,
"Oh shit, I'm coming!"
Sorry, ladies.
That means to finish.
[audience laughing]
Yeah. Yeah.
All the men are like, "She's right. That's what it means."
[audience laughing]
So I was talking to my husband about it,
and I was like, you know, "I've gotta do this sex scene."
He said, "How are you feeling about it?" "I'm all right."
"I'm a little bit nervous 'cause I have to come."
"I have to orgasm in it."
And he went… "Oh."
"God."
"Oh."
"What face are you gonna pull?"
[audience laughing]
And I was like, "The one I pull twice a year? Fuck off."
[audience laughing]
So I got to set, and I met my scene partner.
He was lovely, and we were just talking through the scene,
and he said to me, "Is there anything that you just don't want me to do?"
And I went, "No, it's all right-- Actually, yeah."
"Is it okay if you don't fondle with my double chin as a kink?"
"Is that okay?"
He was more than okay with that, so that's good.
Now, in the industry now, we have what's called intimacy coaches
or intimacy coordinators, right, and they are fantastic.
They are there to keep us safe from Harvey Weinstein, essentially.
It's a big job.
They're there to make sure
that all our lettuce leaves are packed away
and everyone knows where they can and can't touch, right,
and how hard they can and can't touch.
And our intimacy coordinator was amazing.
She was an ex-professional dancer
who had finished a tour with Chicago, the musical,
so she had some excellent tips for us.
See, in the scene, I had to be on top of him, and I…
Yeah. Again, ladies, supposedly an option.
[audience laughing]
"On top?"
'Cause I just usually get into bed,
lie on my side, and wait, really.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
[yawns]
[audience cheering, laughing]
Not this time.
I had to be on top.
What is this? Some sort of exotic French film?
So,
I'm on top of him… [chuckles]
…and I turn to the intimacy coach, and I was like,
"Can you please come here for a second?"
And she came over and I went,
"What do I do with my face?"
Because I'm an actor, you guys. I know how to act.
I know how to act that.
[audience laughing, clapping]
But this is TV!
I didn't know what to do. She had the best tip for me.
She said, "You know when you put a Q-Tip in your ear?"
Like that.
[audience laughing]
Take it home, ladies!
[audience cheering, clapping]
Take it home!
This is my gift to you.
All you girls are gonna get home tonight,
and your partners are gonna be like, "Hey, you wanna get into it?"
"Yeah, I'll just get the Q-Tips."
All you bitches are gonna DM me with photos like this.
[audience laughing]
Q-Tip. Genius.
So I've got my face sorted. I'm ready to go.
And we're there, and we had to rehearse it, right?
And so we were kind of just…
Shut up. We were going through the movements.
Going through the movements and everything of it,
and she came over to me and was saying to me about my hips.
"At the moment, you're kind of, like, pushing forward a lot."
"Why don't you instead try, like, popping 'em back?"
"Popping 'em back like that."
And I went,
"Who fucks like that?"
[audience laughing]
No.
And she said,
"People that come."
[audience laughing, cheering]
[audience clapping]
[groans mockingly]
"All these people that come." [groans]
[laughing] "The fucking people that come."
Oh God.
So we finished rehearsal, and we were about to do a take,
and as the director called, "Action,"
she five-six-seven-eighted me into it.
I was like, "All right, bitch. You didn't come to play."
"Let's fucking go, huh?"
"Huh? Huh?"
So we're doing it, and, you know, I felt awesome as well.
I had all hair and makeup done, the lighting was amazing,
and it was a closed set, which means there was hardly anyone there.
So we're kinda doing it,
and my scene partner was looking up at me,
going, "You're doing great, sweetie!" I said, "Thanks!"
So we're doing it. We got all different angles,
and the director called, "Cut!"
And we're all like, "Yay, we did it!"
Because, to be honest with you, I was actually really nervous about it.
You hear horror stories about this sort of stuff.
But I have to say, it was a really positive experience for me.
I felt really looked after and really safe,
and I actually just felt kinda liberated at the end of it.
So I'm one of the executive producers on the show,
and I asked if they could just send me just a little edit that night.
[audience laughing]
And they did. They sent it over that night.
I got home, got it all set up… [chuckles]
…poured myself a little glass of wine,
and I started watching it. [chuckles]
Oh my God!
[audience laughing]
I don't know what happened!
Honestly, I thought I was giving my best, like, Demi Moore, like, Striptease vibes.
I wasn't. I looked like a fucking terrier trying to hump a tennis ball.
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing, clapping]
My husband had every right to be worried about what face I was going to pull.
The only way to describe what face I was pulling
was like a silent machine gun. Like… [imitates rapid gunfire]
[audience laughing]
[audience member cheering]
[Celeste chuckles]
So you guys need to make sure you all keep your eye out
for my new Netflix TV show, yeah?
[audience cheering, clapping]
Thanks for coming out, Sydney!
-[audience cheering] -[upbeat music playing]
[audience whistling and cheering]
♪ 'Cause you know we 'bout to Throw down in this place light it up ♪
♪ Sit back and we'll fill your cup ♪
♪ I-I-I know that you know We re-re-ready to go ♪
♪ So if you're ready to go Just take it out to the floor ♪
♪ If you got moves, let 'em show 'Cause you know… ♪
[audience cheering]
[Celeste] Ready?
Go!
[music continues]
[audience cheering]
♪ We'll work it out But for now in the meantime ♪
♪ So if you're ready to go Just take it out to the floor ♪
♪ If you got moves, let 'em show ♪
♪ 'Cause you know we 'bout to throw down In this place, light it up ♪
♪ Sit back and we'll fill your cup ♪
♪ I-I-I know that you know We re-re-ready to go ♪
♪ Ready to go… ♪
Thanks!
[audience cheering, whistling]
Bye!
♪ Down in this place, light it up Sit back and we'll fill your cup ♪
♪ I-I-I know that you know We re-re-ready to go ♪
♪ So if you're ready to go Just take it out to the floor ♪
♪ If you got moves, let 'em show ♪
♪ 'Cause you know we 'bout to throw down In this place, light it up ♪
♪ Sit back and we'll fill your cup ♪
♪ I-I-I know that you know We re-re-ready to go ♪
[music fades]