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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[announcer] All right, Sydney Opera House!

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Please welcome to the stage,
Celeste Barber!

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♪ So when you're ready to go
Just take it out to the floor ♪

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♪ If you got moves, let 'em show ♪

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♪ 'Cause you know we 'bout to throw down
In this place, light it up ♪

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♪ Sit back and we'll… ♪

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-Hi! Fuck yeah!
-[audience cheering]

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Yes!

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♪ So if you're ready to go
Just take it out to the floor… ♪

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Oh yeah! [laughs]

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Hiya, Sydney! What's up?

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-[audience cheering]
-[music fading]

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Oh, this is awesome!

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Hey, you guys,
welcome to my Netflix special.

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[audience cheering]

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Ah, this is wicked.

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-I'm so excited to be here. It's so…
-[audience cheering]

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My husband and I
have been together for 19 years, right,

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and the success of our relationship

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is 100% based on distance.

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[audience laughing]

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And being away from each other.

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We are so good at missing each other,

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so good at it.

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[chuckles]

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But then lockdown happened…

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[chuckles awkwardly]

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…and he was everywhere.

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[audience laughing]

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All the fucking time.

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If his face wasn't here,

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his dick was here.

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[audience laughing]

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[groans]

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Oh, you…

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[audience laughing]

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It's too much.

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Everything was blown out of proportion,
you know?

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Everything was magnified.

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Well, not his dick. That's to scale.

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[audience laughing]

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But 19 years,
that's a long time, if you ask me.

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We've been through a lot together.

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I've been the stepmother to his daughter
since I was 21.

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We've got a really, really strong bond,

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but I've gotta tell you,
lockdown, it nearly broke us.

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How the fuck
did people fall pregnant during that time?

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[audience laughing]

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"This is our Covid baby."

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"We couldn't keep
our hands off each other."

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How?

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We couldn't get far enough away
from each other the entire time.

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Sometimes, we would
just spend the whole day

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sitting on opposite ends of the couch
in complete silence,

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and every now and then,
just flip the bird at each other.

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"There you are, mate.
You can have that today."

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"And take a couple for tomorrow as well."

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[audience laughing]

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Twenty minutes from divorce
the entire time, we were.

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The actress Jamie Lee Curtis,
she's been married for 27 years, right?

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[whispering] Twenty-seven years!

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And she was asked
a few years ago in an interview,

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"What is the secret to a long marriage?"

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And she said,

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"Don't leave."

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[audience laughing]

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That's what she said.
She went, "You just don't leave."

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"Yeah, you just have to stay on the bus,

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and the bus keeps on going."

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"The scenery outside may change,

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but you just have to stay on the bus."

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[sarcastically] Aw.

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Yeah, don't really think many of us
are saying that after lockdown, are we?

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No. I would've jackknifed that bus
into a tree,

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set fire to the fucker,
and run a mile if I could've.

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It wasn't all bad, I have to say.

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I did learn a few things about my husband
during that time.

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I learned that every time
he has a drink of water,

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he wants a high five.

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[audience laughing]

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Every time.

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"It's 10:00 a.m.,

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and I've just finished
my second liter of water."

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"Well done, darling."

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"The medal ceremony will be at 6:00.
Good on you."

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[audience laughing]

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I learned that every time we have a fight,
he cleans the house.

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-[audience laughing]
-Huh.

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Oh yeah. You better believe I picked
some unnecessary fights with that man.

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I also realized
how often he wants to have sex with me.

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But more importantly…

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[whispering] …how often I say no.

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And I didn't realize.
I didn't realize at all.

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He'll try all different ways as well.

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He'll try to be spontaneous.

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"Hey, babe, look.
The boys are on their iPads."

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"Do you want
a little bit of afternoon delight?"

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And I'm like,

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"No, thank you."

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[audience laughing]

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Or he'll try to be romantic.

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"I just ran us a little bubble bath.
Come on. Let's have a bath together."

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I'm like, "I'm clean, mate. Get away."

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He gave up after a while.

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Sometimes, he'd jump out
in front of me completely naked.

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"What are you up to?"

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[audience laughing]

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[breathes heavily]

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[chuckles sweetly] Aw.

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"Nothing with you."

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[audience laughing]

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Even me lying there sound asleep
didn't stop him.

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I would be snoring, and he'd just go,

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"Hey."

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"You want a little…"

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I'm like, "No, stop it. Get off!"

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"Can't I just lie here
and finish myself off, then?"

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"Uh, yeah, but make sure you clean it up."

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[audience laughing]

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He goes, "Pardon?"

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"I'll pick a fight with you later.
Don't worry about it."

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[audience laughing, clapping]

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I will say, though,

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after 19 years together,

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he said the most romantic thing
he has ever said to me during that time.

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I'll never forget it.

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He came up to me one day,
and he looked into my eyes, and he said,

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"Hey, babe."

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"Let's go to bed and look at our phones
until they run out of charge."

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[audience laughing]

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[moans sensually]

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[grunts softly]

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I fucked him all night.

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[laughing, cheering]

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[Celeste moans softly]

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So being home with my kids full-time,

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it made me realize
how quickly they are growing up

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and how much I am not coping with it.

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I'm not coping with it at all.

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I want… [groans]
I want them to be babies forever.

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I will scream at my children
when they outgrow their clothes,

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and I refuse to buy them new ones.

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"You made that choice to grow up.
Sucked in. That's on you."

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My 11-year-old's clothes are so tight,

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he's at school in a tank top
like a fucking Britney fan.

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"Get in there, babe. She's free.
Represent. Off you go. Get in."

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My boys are eight and eleven.

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I still sanitize their dummies
just in case.

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Sometimes, I push them over
and hope they'll cry

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and only wanna hug me.

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I wasn't able to breastfeed
either of my boys when they were babies,

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and now I'm like,
"You guys wanna try? We should try."

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"Let's try."

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[whimpers]

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I'm not okay.

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So I'm trying to grab
as many moments with them as I can.

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So when I'm at home, I've started
this little nightly routine with the boys,

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A little turndown service, if you will.

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My boys, they share a room.

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They always fucking will.

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And they've got two single beds,

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and I like to go in there
and get it set up for them.

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So I'll turn down the lights,
put some stars on the ceiling,

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and, you know, maybe some lavender smells
or something really lovely.

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And then the boys come in,
and they hop into bed,

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and we like to sing
a little song together.

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Um, we love the classics. Our favorite is…

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♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star ♪

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♪ How I wonder what you are… ♪

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[chuckles wistfully]

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I always think about, like, what memories
my boys are gonna have when they're older

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and about what memories
they're gonna have of me as well,

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and I really, really hope
this is one of them

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'cause I think
it's just such a special time for them.

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So I started adding wine
to this little nightly routine.

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[audience laughing]

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What? Well, it can't be
all about the children!

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And, look, let's face it.
It was during lockdown,

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so I was fuck-eyed drunk midweek
most of the time.

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And after a couple of bottles of wine
by about, oh, 5:00 p.m.,

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I realized I was moving a little bit away
from singing "Twinkle, Twinkle"

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and moving a little bit more toward
performing Kasey Chambers circa 2002.

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♪ Am I not pretty enough? ♪

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♪ Is my heart too broken? ♪

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And you just know that that shit cranks up
as the weekend rolls around.

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You know, by Saturday,
we've opened up a bottle of tequila.

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The baggies have come out.

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[audience laughing]

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And I realize, well, they're growing up,

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everything's fucked,

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and we're all gonna die anyway, so…

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♪ Absolutely everybody
Everybody, everybody ♪

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♪ Absolutely everybody
In the whole wide world ♪

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[audience cheering]

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Yeah, by Sunday, my kids are traumatized.

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[audience cheering, clapping]

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Yeah.

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Yeah, Sunday's fun. [chuckles]

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I just walk around the house,
like, "Come on, boys."

202
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"It's time for our nightly routine,"

203
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and I realize they've been in bed
since 2:00 p.m.,

204
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pretending to be asleep, like…

205
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"Ooh, fuck."

206
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Kids are so smart these days. Holy shit!

207
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They are so smart now.

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Like, I knew nothing
when I was growing up.

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Nothing at all.

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And that is
how me and my parents liked it.

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You know, if my parents said
we were going somewhere,

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you just got in the car.

213
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Right?

214
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Yeah, you just got in the car.

215
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You didn't ask where you were going.

216
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[audience laughing]

217
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Fucking idiot.

218
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You just got in the car.

219
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Or if you did ask,

220
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because you were forced to
by your stupid sister,

221
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it was always met with clenched teeth
and a glare from my dad, going…

222
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[angrily] …"Get in the car."

223
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:06,440
"Oh shit. Sorry."

224
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,640
My parents would just blatantly lie to us.

225
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They were like, "Come on, girls.
We're gonna go to Disneyland!"

226
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,160
And you'd find yourself lying there,

227
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,560
getting your first pap smear.
Like, "What the…?"

228
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,120
[audience laughing]

229
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,160
[grunts uncomfortably]

230
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,560
"I didn't think
Splash Mountain was like this."

231
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,320
[groans]

232
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:29,760
Can't do that these days.

233
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,640
Oh, no way.

234
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Woke little fucks.

235
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They'd have a restraining order out on you
if you did that.

236
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I need to give my children

237
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:44,920
a full-blown itinerary
of what we are doing every single day,

238
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and I need to check in with them
every ten minutes

239
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,120
to make sure they are emotionally vibing
with the day's schedule.

240
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,840
[audience laughing]

241
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It's too much.

242
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,160
It's just… It's exhausting.

243
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,520
But I'm trying to keep up.
I'm really trying to keep up.

244
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,680
See, my boys were playing together,

245
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,360
and my eight-year-old
called my eleven-year-old a pussy.

246
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,840
And I went, "Excuse me, no."

247
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,520
"Please do not say that to him.
That is derogatory to women."

248
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,400
And he came marching back in to me,

249
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,200
and he went, "Why? I didn't say it to you,

250
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,600
and he's not a woman."

251
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,640
[audience laughing]

252
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:29,360
[whispers] Fuck.

253
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:30,760
[audience laughing]

254
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:31,920
Ah, fuck.

255
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:34,760
That's so smart.

256
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,200
I love watching my boys play.

257
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,960
It reminds me
of when I used to play with my big sister.

258
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,960
Olivia is about four years older than me.

259
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,920
And I was absolutely obsessed with her
when we were growing up,

260
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,280
and we were completely different as well.

261
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:52,160
She was all like Pearl Jam and angst.

262
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:55,240
[grunting disdainfully]

263
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,800
[audience laughing]

264
00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,480
[grunts]

265
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:03,040
And I was all like
Spice Girls and Ritalin sandwiches.

266
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,520
[audience laughing]

267
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,400
[audience members cheering]

268
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,520
But I was obsessed with her,

269
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,320
and it didn't matter
what she did to me either.

270
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:19,040
She once used my head as a step

271
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,560
to get into the pool.

272
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,320
[audience laughing]

273
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,400
Just quickly,

274
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,800
we had steps to get into the pool,
they were fine to use.

275
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,640
But she wanted to use my head.

276
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,120
So I was in the pool.

277
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:34,000
She stood on my head,
and as she dived off,

278
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:37,880
she flicked my head,
and I went on the side of the pool.

279
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,200
[imitates thud]

280
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,480
Blood went fucking everywhere.

281
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,600
And I remember
as I was coming up from my bloodbath,

282
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,360
she was just screaming at me,

283
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:52,040
going, "Don't tell Mum!"

284
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:54,360
And I was like,

285
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,600
"I won't."

286
00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:00,280
"I won't. Please, please,
just keep playing with me, please."

287
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,200
She also told me

288
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,160
that we had an older brother named Michael

289
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:09,160
and that he had died from face rabies.

290
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,320
[audience laughing]

291
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:14,640
Yeah.

292
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,840
Yeah. The worst type of rabies.

293
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:19,200
[audience laughing]

294
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:23,440
She made me promise
I wouldn't say anything to Mum and Dad

295
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,560
'cause it was still really hard for them.

296
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,840
She told me

297
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:34,800
that Mum and Dad had buried him
under the garage to keep him close.

298
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,960
[audience laughing]

299
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,840
She then took me down to said garage

300
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,400
so we could "remember him" together.

301
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:48,560
And as I was frantically looking around
for the shrine to Michael,

302
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,440
she pushed me in there,
turned the light off,

303
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,040
closed the door, and locked it.

304
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,920
[audience laughing]

305
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,680
I didn't care.
So long as she wanted to hang out with me,

306
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:01,000
I was more than happy to be
haunted by my fake dead brother's ghost.

307
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:02,120
[audience cheering]

308
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:07,520
The only people cooler than my big sister
when I was growing up were her friends.

309
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,000
Oh shit!

310
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,600
When her friends used to come around
to our house,

311
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,080
I would turn it on.

312
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,680
Honestly, they would get the best of me.

313
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,480
You fuckers have to pay for it.
They got it for free.

314
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,440
Yeah. I loved it.

315
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:26,080
It was like the Super Bowl for me.
I got so excited.

316
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,840
I remember my mum would be like,
"Olivia? Jane's here,"

317
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:32,120
and I'm like, "Oh, we're fucking on."

318
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,120
[audience laughing]

319
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,360
"Fucking of course Jane's here."

320
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,120
"Fucking Jane."

321
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,480
"Yeah, fucking Jane."

322
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:42,880
"Jane's here!" I was so excited.

323
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,680
I'd just walk up to my parents like,
"Look alive, you two."

324
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,560
"Don't you fuck this up for me."

325
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:48,720
"Jane!"

326
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,240
"Jane!" I was on.

327
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,200
The second Jane walked into my house,

328
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,400
I'd never been cooler.
Coolest person ever.

329
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,120
Just walked up to her
and I was like, "Hey."

330
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,120
"Jane, is it? Whatever, yeah."

331
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,160
"Yeah. Saw you at school today.
Didn't care."

332
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,640
[audience laughing]

333
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,520
I just spoke directly to Jane!

334
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:17,200
And then I'd hide
in really random parts of the house,

335
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,200
just in case I was needed for anything.

336
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,760
"Hide and seek? No, okay."

337
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,120
Or maybe Jane needed a snack.

338
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,520
And then I'd just appear from nowhere,

339
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,920
like a real estate agent
at my own open home.

340
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,280
All the useless information in the world.

341
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,840
"Jane, how you going? Nice to see you."

342
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,720
"You after a snack, are you?
I can help you with that."

343
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,240
"Just come through the open-plan kitchen.
I'll take you to the pantry."

344
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,480
"You'll notice here at the pantry

345
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,680
that when you open the door,
the light goes on."

346
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,720
"Not many people know that."

347
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,760
"So please help yourself to a snack,
and if you want, a little bit later,

348
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,680
I'll show you how to use the steps
to get into the pool."

349
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,760
[audience laughing]

350
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,440
Yeah, I've never been great socially.
[laughs]

351
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,320
No. And it's only getting worse

352
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,800
because now people
actually wanna hang out with me.

353
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,200
And I don't want to.

354
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,680
And I'm… I don't wanna do it.

355
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,360
'Cause I don't know how to do it.
I find it hard.

356
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,680
I find small talk really, really hard.

357
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,760
Like, I'm great for five minutes.

358
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,560
I could walk into any party,

359
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:32,960
make some inappropriate yet hilarious
observations of everyone,

360
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,840
and then I'll compliment the host

361
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,160
on her really amazing, expensive decor.

362
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,120
And then I'm out.

363
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,480
I have got nothing else to offer.

364
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,080
And I start to panic,

365
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,440
and I'll start to make fun
of some kid's underbite.

366
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:48,720
I'm like, "Fucking…"

367
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,600
[audience laughing]

368
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:54,640
It's not-- And my husband can see
that I'm panicking as well,

369
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,520
and he just swoops in.

370
00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,360
He fucking swoops in
and gets me out of there like a hero.

371
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:05,520
I tell you what, my husband,
he is so good in social situations,

372
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,400
which really fucks me off.

373
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:11,200
'Cause I just don't think
someone who looks that good

374
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,560
should also be good at life.
Know what I mean?

375
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:14,800
[audience laughing]

376
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,320
Like, pick a lane. Come on.

377
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,360
But he is. He's so good socially.

378
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,560
It's like he becomes a conversationalist.

379
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,880
Which is interesting
because in our marriage, he's nonverbal,

380
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,640
yet with complete strangers,
he's Chatty fucking Cathy.

381
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,160
[audience laughing, clapping]

382
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,960
Do you know
his favorite place in the world?

383
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,320
Front seat of an Uber.

384
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,640
[audience laughing]

385
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,600
That's not what we call it.

386
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,120
[audience laughing]

387
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:52,400
He bloody loves the front seat of an Uber,
and he'll fight me for it as well.

388
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,080
He's like, "Move, bitch.
I've got fat to chew."

389
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,640
And he jumps up front and off he goes,

390
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:02,880
all Chatty McGee
and emotionally available all of a sudden.

391
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,800
And then if there's just
a bit of a natural lull in conversation,

392
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:14,080
he's got this repertoire of bullfuckery
that he just whips out,

393
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:15,960
ready to go.

394
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,200
He's always got something to say
about the weather.

395
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,600
He's got some very vague statistics
on horticulture.

396
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,920
I'm just usually in the back… [chuckles]

397
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,240
…Googling myself.

398
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,760
[audience laughing]

399
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:31,880
[laughs]

400
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:33,960
[chuckles]

401
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,040
Also, "What is horticulture?"

402
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:41,400
And he's up front getting all political,
having the time of his life.

403
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,800
So I've been watching him
'cause I wanna learn.

404
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,320
I wanna get better at it.

405
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,200
So we're at a family function,
and I watched him.

406
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,240
He just walked up
to a group of people he didn't know.

407
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,280
Like that too. No one was like,
"Get over there, you fucker!"

408
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,000
He just did it on his own,
walked up to a group of people.

409
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,000
And he started talking.

410
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:03,080
And they started talking back.

411
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:08,000
And then everyone was just chatting,
and no one was sweating.

412
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:13,000
And all the women became really interested
in horticulture all of a sudden.

413
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:17,080
And it looked quite enjoyable,
so I thought, "I can do that."

414
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,240
"Oh, I can do that. That seems easy."

415
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,840
So I saw a group of people.
I walked up to them, all confident.

416
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,840
And I went, "Hello." [chuckles nervously]

417
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,080
"Well, you all seem like cunts.
Who wants a photo?"

418
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,760
[audience laughing, clapping]

419
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,520
Did anyone else think
that an international pandemic

420
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,240
would be a good time
to come off antidepressants?

421
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,080
[audience laughing]

422
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,160
No?

423
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:46,320
Just me?

424
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,160
Ah, let's get into it, then!

425
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:51,400
So, coming off antidepressants

426
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,560
is a bag of flaccid dicks.

427
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,200
[audience laughing]

428
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:00,680
[audience cheering]

429
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,760
The worst.

430
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,840
And the antidepressants I was on,

431
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:10,520
they take about six weeks to come out
of your system if you do it properly.

432
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:14,440
Look, you can do it cold turkey…
[chuckles awkwardly]

433
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,480
…if you have a fucking death wish.

434
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:20,000
But it is advised
that you do it slowly, yeah,

435
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,920
and just let them wean out of your system
over about six weeks or so.

436
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,080
So I've wanted to come off antidepressants
for ages

437
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,520
because I'm fixed. Yeah.

438
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,720
[audience laughing]

439
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,200
[audience cheering, clapping]

440
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,360
[audience whistling, cheering]

441
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,880
Yeah, it's not how it works, but anyway…

442
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:45,080
But every time
I talked to all of my doctors about it,

443
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,640
they were all like…

444
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:50,280
What am I, fucking Joe Rogan?
"All of my fucking doctors."

445
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,800
Whenever I spoke to
my two doctors about it,

446
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,480
they were like, well, it's not actually
a really good time for me

447
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,840
'cause I was traveling so much,
and work was just so up and down,

448
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:03,960
and they were like, "You just don't have
any consistency in your life whatsoever."

449
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,280
[chuckles]

450
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:06,760
"Thank you so much."

451
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,160
"Thank you so much."

452
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,520
So when lockdown happened,
they thought, well,

453
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,520
now might be a good idea
because I was just in one place.

454
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:17,480
I was like, "Yeah,
that's a really great idea, you guys."

455
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,680
"That might be
some of your best work, yeah."

456
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:25,120
"Yeah, let's trap her in a tiny apartment
when nothing in the world is certain

457
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,520
and take away the one thing
that's holding her together."

458
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,040
[audience laughing]

459
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,600
So I decided to do it,

460
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,240
and I gotta tell you,

461
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,360
it was really, really rough for me

462
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,600
because I realized when I was medicated,

463
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:43,880
I was kinda operating in a state
of being a bit, like, numb and buzzed…

464
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,080
"Hey!" …all the time.

465
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,360
And then I realized
when I was coming off antidepressants,

466
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,760
I was operating more in a state
of being a bit kind of like

467
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:54,560
a complete fucking monster.

468
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:59,120
And no one did it tougher than my husband

469
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,760
because he just never knew
what he was gonna get.

470
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:07,360
He'd come into the kitchen and be like,
"Hi, babe. How you going?"

471
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,600
"Want anything from the shops?"
And I was like,

472
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:10,680
[gasps]

473
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,520
"Fucking shops!" [squeals]

474
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:15,840
"Shop! Shop! Shop! Shop-shop! Shop!
Fucking shops! Fucking…"

475
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:17,680
[grunting] "Fucking shops!"

476
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,720
"Ooh, what do I want from the shops?
What don't I want? Shops!"

477
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,200
"Can I please have, uh…" [inhales deeply]

478
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:25,200
"…six Twix and four Mars Bars?"

479
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:26,760
"Oh, and some cinnamon."

480
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,040
[audience laughing]

481
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:36,400
He's like,

482
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:41,640
"Six Twix and four Mars Bars?"

483
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,200
And then I just turn, like…

484
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,480
[quietly] "And some cinnamon."

485
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,440
[whimpers]

486
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,640
[softly] "I wanted some cinnamon as well."

487
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,800
[wailing] "You never listen to me!"

488
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,320
[sobbing, stammering] "I want six Twix

489
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,840
and four Mars Bars…"

490
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:07,600
[squealing] "…and some cinnamon!"

491
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,720
And he's like, "Hey, it's okay. Come on."

492
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,720
"It's gonna be okay."

493
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,160
"Oh, it's okay, is it?"

494
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,800
[audience laughing]

495
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,000
Huh.

496
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,680
"Oh, it's gonna be okay, is it?"

497
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,880
"The blatant disrespect
that I constantly get…"

498
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,440
I became like a wronged Cate Blanchett.

499
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:35,080
Like, "How dare you,
of all fucking people,

500
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,440
think you can speak to me--"

501
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:39,360
And every character
from Lord of the Rings, it seems.

502
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,280
"You think you're going to the shops,
my precious?"

503
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,760
"Think again, motherfucker!"

504
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,000
[audience laughing, cheering]

505
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:50,840
[audience clapping, whistling]

506
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,440
It was a really magical time
for all of us, I think.

507
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:57,720
[audience laughing]

508
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,680
So, I've also got ADHD.

509
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,080
-[audience laughing]
-It's-- That's not the joke.

510
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,200
[audience laughing]

511
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,280
Good to know where we're at though,
Sydney. Good to know.

512
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:11,640
[audience cheering]

513
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:13,600
ADHD.

514
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:17,360
Attention deficit hyperactive disorder,

515
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,120
which pretty much means
I find it really hard

516
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:21,600
to retain anything,

517
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:24,680
and I find it really hard
to, like, stay still, and, um,

518
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:26,760
focus.

519
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,440
Now, I was diagnosed with ADHD
when I was 16,

520
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,200
and back then, oh my God,

521
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:35,000
there was so much shame around it.

522
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,240
Like, I thought my whole world was over
when I was diagnosed.

523
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:42,040
I was so embarrassed,
and I didn't want anyone to know.

524
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:43,920
And I found school impossible, right,

525
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,240
so my parents thought they'd try
and talk to some of the teachers,

526
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,600
just to let them know
that I had been diagnosed

527
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,320
and I was starting medication,

528
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,000
in a bit of a hope
to try and get them onboard.

529
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:55,840
It didn't work.

530
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,960
I remember one of the teachers was like,
"Well, Celeste, you know,

531
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,880
now you need to take all the rubbish out

532
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,080
for the whole school
for the rest of the year,

533
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,680
and we won't tell your classmates
that you're a bit fucking…" [mumbles]

534
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:07,840
[audience laughing]

535
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:09,120
Terrible!

536
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,800
It's much better now, which is good. It's…

537
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,320
it's kinda cool to have ADHD now.

538
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,000
[audience cheering]

539
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:19,800
And everyone seems to have it.

540
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:21,280
[audience laughing]

541
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,720
And everyone seems to use it
as a bit of an excuse, don't they?

542
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,120
Someone will cut in front of you
at the café.

543
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:32,040
Like, "Oh, I'm so sorry.
That's because I'm neurodiverse."

544
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:34,280
And I'm like,

545
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,400
"Uh, hello…" [chuckles]

546
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,800
"Me too. I've been here for 40 minutes."

547
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:41,720
"Get to the back of the line, Elon Musk.
Fuck off."

548
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:43,560
"Get out."

549
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,160
[audience clapping, cheering]

550
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,960
But people just throw
these terms around now willy-nilly

551
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,400
to justify shitty behavior.

552
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,880
You know, you'll hear a politician say--

553
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:57,320
Sorry, "politician."

554
00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,160
A pervert. Sorry.

555
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,440
[audience laughing]

556
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,280
[audience cheering]

557
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,320
Yeah, that joke
hits differently in America.

558
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,720
[audience laughing]

559
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:12,920
Whew!

560
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,200
But you'll hear a politician
at a press conference or something,

561
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:20,320
and they're like, "Yeah, hi. I've actually
just been told that I'm on the…"

562
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:21,800
[whispers] "The spectrum."

563
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:23,040
[full voice] "…the spectrum."

564
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:26,360
"That's why I put my hand up her skirt.
Okay."

565
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,040
Or you hear a footballer say…

566
00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:31,120
[grunting]

567
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:34,160
-[audience laughing]
-[Celeste grunts and laughs]

568
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,920
-[grunts]
-[audience laughing]

569
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,680
[squeals, grunts]

570
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:41,520
[grunts] "No…"

571
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:44,840
[grunts] "…the only reason
I sexually assaulted her

572
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,760
is because my mum just said
that I've got ADHD."

573
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:48,920
[grunts]

574
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,480
No! I hate that.

575
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:53,920
I'm the poster girl for ADHD, right?

576
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,560
I was diagnosed young,

577
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,480
and I've been on and off
medication for it for decades,

578
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,080
and I can tell you now,

579
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:04,160
I have never stuck my dick
in anything that didn't want it.

580
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,000
[audience cheering, clapping]

581
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:09,880
[audience whistling]

582
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:13,880
[chuckles]

583
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:16,040
True story.

584
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,000
I've started a new medication for ADHD,
which is good.

585
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:23,760
It helps me focus a little bit more,

586
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,960
but one of the side effects
is that it really cranks up my anxiety.

587
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:29,320
It's actually quite full-on.

588
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,960
So I have to move my body
to be able to cope with it.

589
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,320
So I walk a lot.

590
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:38,040
I love walking.
It's kinda… Walking is my jam.

591
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:41,600
And I do it as often as I can.
I get up as early as I can to do it.

592
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:45,040
Try and get up about 6:00 a.m.
to get it done when no one's around.

593
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:49,360
Or so I thought. Turns out there's
a lot of people up at 6:00 a.m. walking.

594
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,920
And everyone that's up
at 6:00 a.m. walking

595
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,240
fucking love to talk about
being up at 6:00 a.m. walking.

596
00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:58,320
[audience laughing]

597
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:03,360
It's like I joined
some morning walking chatty club

598
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,080
that I don't wanna be a part of.

599
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:06,240
[audience laughing]

600
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:10,400
I'll just be out there, you know,
dragging my sorry ass…

601
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:11,440
[groans wearily]

602
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,000
…just trying to get it done.

603
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:15,360
And then I'll see one of them.

604
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:18,280
It's usually, you know,
an older, straight, white man

605
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,600
just out enjoying his privilege. "Hi."

606
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,520
[audience laughing]

607
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:24,200
"This works." [laughs]

608
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,160
Taking up all the path
because he doesn't need to pick a side.

609
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,680
It's all fucking his.

610
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:30,560
[audience laughing]

611
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:34,880
But then, when he starts to get
a little bit closer,

612
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,160
he's never too sure
what side of the path to go on, is he?

613
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:44,080
Oh yeah.
What a fun game to play at 6:00 a.m.

614
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,160
Fucking…

615
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,280
"You gonna…"
And then when he gets closer again,

616
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,840
it's like it turns into
some sort of Irish jig.

617
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:54,040
"Pick a side, Michael Flatley. Come on!"

618
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:56,840
[audience laughing]

619
00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:59,600
My favorite people
who are up at 6:00 a.m. walking

620
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,280
are women of a certain age,

621
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,560
and they're usually in a sun visor

622
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:09,080
and a fanny pack, because they don't know
how long they're gonna be out for.

623
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:11,320
[audience laughing]

624
00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:15,000
-Ugh.
-[audience cheering]

625
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:17,640
They are out and about.

626
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,360
They have got absolutely nothing planned,
yet no one's as busy as they are.

627
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:24,240
[audience laughing, clapping]

628
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:31,920
[audience laughing]

629
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:33,840
Busy. So much on.

630
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:37,000
So much to do.
Tell you what they're not gonna do though.

631
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:38,920
Help out with the grandkids.

632
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:41,080
[audience laughing]

633
00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:43,760
Oh!

634
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:45,760
[audience whistling]

635
00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:46,840
I love those women.

636
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,880
The one person
you cannot avoid on a morning walk

637
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,800
is a second-wave feminist
who just finished her workout.

638
00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:58,880
And she's always in matching active wear

639
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:03,120
that's just a shade too light
or too dark for her skin,

640
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:06,200
so she always looks
nearly completely naked.

641
00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:09,640
And it freaks me out.

642
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,480
'Cause I don't know if she knows.
It's early.

643
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:14,400
And I'm like,

644
00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:16,600
"Oh, excuse me-- Oh, fucking hell!"

645
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:21,480
"Oh, no, sorry, it's just
I could see the outline so I wasn't sure."

646
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:23,680
[audience laughing, clapping]

647
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,520
"Yeah, I get it.
Free the nip, free the lip, whatever."

648
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:31,400
[audience laughing, cheering]

649
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:32,640
I love it.

650
00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:34,640
And they're just so loud

651
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,480
and so confident,

652
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:39,160
and they want you to know
how loud and confident they are.

653
00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:41,960
They see me and they're like,
"I see you there, my bitch."

654
00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:43,920
"Look at you, you gorgeous girl."

655
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,400
"In your thinning tights
and your oversized sweater. Yes!"

656
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,320
"Go and get that day by the balls,
you sexy boss bitch."

657
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,200
"Look at us being boss bitches."

658
00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:54,600
"And don't let any man,
or unattractive woman,

659
00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:56,520
tell you what you can't fucking have."

660
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:58,600
"We are bitches and bosses!"

661
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:00,680
[audience laughing]

662
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:03,080
[Celeste sighs]

663
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:05,800
Know what else I don't need in my walk?

664
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:07,040
Shitting dogs.

665
00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:09,360
[audience laughing]

666
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:11,520
So many shitting dogs.

667
00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:13,520
And they wait for me, I'm telling you.

668
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:15,200
They wait for me. They do.

669
00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:17,360
They see me come around the corner,

670
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:18,680
and they hunch over.

671
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:20,760
[audience laughing]

672
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:28,400
And you just know their sphincter
is going off in excitement.

673
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:32,800
And they stare into my soul.

674
00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:35,840
And they shit

675
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,560
as the sun rises behind them.

676
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:44,040
And you can't get away from it.
I'm telling you, I've tried.

677
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:46,600
You try not to make eye contact,
and I run away.

678
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:47,760
[laughs] I don't run.

679
00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:50,640
I walk away at a reasonable pace,
and they come after me.

680
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:53,440
"Where you going?
I could take this on the road."

681
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:55,920
Fuck.

682
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:00,800
Shitting dogs.

683
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:05,120
I get sent a lot of things these days.

684
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:08,680
Some of them are gifts from people,
which is lovely.

685
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:12,240
People are very nice to me,
and I really appreciate it. But--

686
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:13,840
-[applause]
-Oh, thanks.

687
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:15,480
I have to say,

688
00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:20,240
most of the things that get sent to me
are usually products from companies.

689
00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:22,840
They send them to me
in the hope that I'll promote them

690
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:25,720
or do an unboxing.
You know what unboxing is?

691
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:28,800
It's where a company will send a product

692
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:30,120
to an influencer,

693
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:33,640
and the influencer
will set up 40,000 lights…

694
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:35,200
[audience laughing]

695
00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:37,760
…lock their kids in the bathroom
for two hours,

696
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:42,200
and then they will film themselves
opening the gift, right?

697
00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:44,960
Like… [nasal voice] "Oh my God, you guys!"

698
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:51,440
"I just got given this most amazing gift

699
00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,400
from Prada."

700
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:58,360
"It's actually worth
eleventy billion dollars,

701
00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:03,800
and I thought it would be really amazing
for me to share it with all of you

702
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:07,720
because you guys are never gonna have it
'cause you're broke and ugly."

703
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:09,280
[audience cheering]

704
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,360
"Like and subscribe."

705
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:13,440
[audience laughing]

706
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:15,640
Unboxing.

707
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:17,920
I was sent

708
00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:22,040
eight vibrators in two months.

709
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:24,760
[audience laughing, cheering]

710
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:32,240
That is a lot of plastic dicks
to be sent to your house.

711
00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:36,200
And, look, I get it.
I understand that I have a following

712
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:37,880
and an audience that I engage with,

713
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,840
and it would be smart for companies

714
00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:43,160
to send me things
in a hope that I would promote them

715
00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:44,880
to you rock stars.

716
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:46,680
But eight dicks?

717
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,040
[audience laughing]

718
00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:50,000
I… [sighs] I feel like

719
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,280
they've kind of missed the mark
a little bit with me.

720
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:56,400
Someone in that office
isn't doing their job.

721
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:58,520
I am not the most sexual person.

722
00:33:58,600 --> 00:33:59,880
I barely put out.

723
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:02,840
[audience laughing]

724
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:05,320
-No.
-[audience member whistling]

725
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,640
But look, ladies, I will say this.

726
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:11,560
I do believe that we all have, like,

727
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,200
you know, a little sex goddess within.

728
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:15,840
-[audience member cheers]
-Whatever.

729
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:19,440
But I'm not the demographic
because that is what society tell us.

730
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:21,240
That is what marketing tells us.

731
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:24,080
The people that you see
in ads for vibrators

732
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,600
are usually really young,
completely hairless

733
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:28,320
with very bushy eyebrows.

734
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:29,920
[audience laughing]

735
00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:30,920
I'm not…

736
00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:33,080
It's not…

737
00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:35,080
[audience laughing, clapping]

738
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:36,240
It's not me.

739
00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:41,280
It is not me.
It is a very specific type of person.

740
00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:46,040
Like, you would never see a teacher,
I'm talking an actual maths teacher,

741
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:48,360
in an ad for a vibrator.

742
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:52,000
You all thinking about
your maths teachers?

743
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:53,560
[audience laughing]

744
00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:54,880
You should.

745
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:59,280
Can you imagine seeing a teacher
in an ad for a vibrator? It'd be like,

746
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:02,760
"Had a hard day in class?"

747
00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:04,840
[audience laughing]

748
00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:07,880
[sighs]

749
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:09,800
[groans]

750
00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:11,800
"Algebra really winding you up?"

751
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:15,240
[sighs]

752
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:18,600
"Sick of having to finger bang yourself
behind the tuck shop?"

753
00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:21,040
[audience laughing]

754
00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:23,880
"Why not try the Jackrabbit 10,000?"

755
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,480
It would sell like hotcakes.

756
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:32,200
Now, I get these vibrators sent to me
from a myriad of different companies.

757
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,240
-I got one sent from Gwyneth Paltrow.
-[audience cheering]

758
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:40,360
[nasal voice] "Oh yeah,
it was truly amazing, you guys."

759
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:44,480
"It was actually
made from organic duck fat."

760
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,920
-[audience laughing]
-Mm-hmm.

761
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,920
"And holistically sourced plastic

762
00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,280
that actually benefits the ocean."

763
00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:57,640
"Hmm. And one of the features
is that when you insert it,

764
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:00,720
it just dissolves inside of you."

765
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:04,800
"And after you orgasm,

766
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:06,880
butterflies just fly out."

767
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:09,560
[audience laughing, clapping]

768
00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:13,600
[audience cheering]

769
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:19,000
"And they turn into cash,
and they fly back to Gwyneth."

770
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:20,600
[audience laughing]

771
00:36:21,720 --> 00:36:24,600
I got another vibrator sent to me
from a men's company.

772
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:28,240
That one came uncharged,
and I had to pay for postage.

773
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:30,320
[audience laughing]

774
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:31,360
And that one

775
00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:34,440
only had three settings on it

776
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:37,360
that all sounded like some form of car.

777
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:41,800
The first setting was like
a car that wouldn't start. Like…

778
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:43,320
[imitates faltering engine]

779
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:45,400
[audience laughing]

780
00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:48,680
The second setting was
like an F1 race car.

781
00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:50,640
[imitates speeding car] Fucking hell!

782
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:52,960
[audience laughing]

783
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:55,920
And the third setting sounded like
some sort of tractor duck.

784
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:58,440
Like, "Quack-quack-quack-quack-quack!"

785
00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:02,520
And it came with
a really thick instruction manual,

786
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:05,200
about as thick as fucking Da Vinci Code.

787
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:07,400
"How many ways are there
to use this thing?"

788
00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:10,240
I thought I'd just stuck it in me
and all of a sudden,

789
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:11,720
Lenny Kravitz would appear.

790
00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:13,560
[audience cheering, laughing]

791
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:16,680
Oh, I love Lenny Kravitz.

792
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:21,040
Yeah, I really love Lenny Kravitz.

793
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:24,800
Yeah, he's got a lifetime membership
to my wank bank, that man.

794
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:26,640
-Ooh!
-[audience laughing]

795
00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:30,000
Mm-hmm. Ooh yeah!
You know what a wank bank is.

796
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:32,360
It's the stuff you think about
when you wank

797
00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:34,400
and you bank it.

798
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:36,480
[audience laughing]

799
00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:40,240
[chuckles wistfully]

800
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:45,760
Wow, sorry. I also… [chuckles]

801
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,520
I also was sent a vibrator by Lily Allen,

802
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:52,160
but Lily was a little bit different

803
00:37:52,240 --> 00:37:55,440
'cause it had, like, a little sucker.
Like, a little…

804
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,520
[audience cheering]

805
00:37:59,720 --> 00:38:03,080
I looked like Kourtney Kardashian
and Travis Barker on a red carpet.

806
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:05,160
[audience laughing]

807
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:06,760
"Stop it!"

808
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:10,280
But I was excited to use Lily
'cause I thought it'd be

809
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:13,760
a little bit more than just
the dull-down cattle prod I'm used to.

810
00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:16,200
It might be a bit of a slow burn.
Who knows?

811
00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:20,920
Maybe some candles might light themselves,
and some soft music will start playing.

812
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,400
Maybe that really hot guy from Bridgerton
will just tap on the window.

813
00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:26,120
[audience laughing]

814
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:27,600
Season one, yeah?

815
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:29,560
[audience cheering]

816
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:32,160
[shouts] What the fuck happened
in season two?

817
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:33,640
[audience laughing]

818
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:35,840
I was watching
season two of Bridgerton going,

819
00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:37,760
"No. No."

820
00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:40,800
"Why are they all talking
and wearing clothes?"

821
00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:42,600
"No. Back to season one."

822
00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:47,240
Season one of Bridgerton
has had over one billion downloads.

823
00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:48,760
I'm half of those.

824
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:50,480
[audience laughing]

825
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:54,720
So I had a bit of time to myself.
My husband took the kids out for an hour.

826
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,960
Or a year. I've got no fucking idea
how long they were gone for.

827
00:38:58,040 --> 00:38:59,040
And I was like,

828
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:00,840
"All right, Lily?"

829
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:04,000
"Whassup?"

830
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:07,920
And I popped Lily on my situation,

831
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:09,440
and oh my God!

832
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:11,840
I clamped down on that bitch.

833
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:13,440
Whew!

834
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:14,840
I clamped down on that bitch

835
00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:17,320
like a Kardashian
on a skinny, white fuckboy.

836
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:18,960
I was like, "Come here!"

837
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:21,560
[audience cheering, clapping]

838
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:25,360
Things got very intense very quickly.

839
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:29,760
There was no candles. No soft music.

840
00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:33,160
Not a single member
of the Bridgerton cast showed up.

841
00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:35,680
Lily's got teeth.

842
00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:37,320
[audience laughing]

843
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:40,680
She nearly bit my clit off.

844
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:44,920
There was nothing slow about it.

845
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:49,080
Instead, everything kinda happened
all at once.

846
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:51,800
I laughed hysterically,

847
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,000
cried a little, farted…

848
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,600
[audience laughing]

849
00:39:57,240 --> 00:39:58,360
[groans]

850
00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:01,120
[exhales]

851
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:03,320
[groans awkwardly]

852
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:05,680
[sighs]

853
00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:08,720
Came like a demon.

854
00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:10,480
[audience laughing]

855
00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:14,120
But then kinda randomly
just found myself in the kitchen,

856
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,600
making kids' lunches with numb legs.

857
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:18,280
"Oh, Lily!"

858
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:20,760
"Oh, fucking Lily!"

859
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:23,000
"Oh, Lily!"

860
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:27,760
[audience laughing]

861
00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:30,640
"Oh, Lily!"

862
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:34,160
[audience cheering, clapping]

863
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:36,800
[audience whistling]

864
00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:42,080
I said that at one my other shows,

865
00:40:43,720 --> 00:40:48,120
and a woman stood up and screamed out,

866
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:49,720
"Send the link!"

867
00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:51,800
[audience laughing]

868
00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:03,280
And sat back down next to her husband
like, "Fucking don't you…"

869
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:07,520
"You get me perfume
for Christmas every year."

870
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:09,480
"This year, I get my own gift."

871
00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:14,640
"Send the link."

872
00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:16,840
So it turns out

873
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:19,040
that I'm quite political.

874
00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:24,440
I didn't know I was, but it turns out
that I have got a lot to say

875
00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:27,040
and absolutely nothing to back it up with.

876
00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:28,960
Nothing at all.

877
00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:33,720
But the Internet, it makes us all think
that we should say

878
00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:38,000
whatever we want, whenever we want,
and however we wanna say it,

879
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:41,400
and that everyone in the world
is dying to hear it.

880
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:47,080
The Internet makes us all
now believe that we are much smarter,

881
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:52,040
talented, and skilled than we really are.

882
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:55,040
Like, I have never in my life

883
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:58,880
met more people
who call themselves entrepreneurs

884
00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:02,200
than I have in the past few months.
Oh my God!

885
00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:03,960
No one's just, like, a doctor.

886
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:05,000
Ugh!

887
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:08,200
Or, like, an engineer… Boring! …anymore.

888
00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:12,680
No, everyone is an entrepreneur,
and they love to tell you as well.

889
00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:15,760
Like, "Yeah, hello.
Hello! Hi, I'm an entrepreneur."

890
00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:17,120
"Yeah, I'm an entrepreneur."

891
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:21,360
"And being an entrepreneur means
that I assist in the content creation

892
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:25,280
of a multimedia platform,
really focusing on the grassroots level

893
00:42:25,360 --> 00:42:29,480
of connectivity between brands
near and far and making sure

894
00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:34,320
we have laser focus on buzzwords
like "connectivity" and "grassroots."

895
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:35,960
"I'm an entrepreneur."

896
00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:37,840
You're like, "Oh."

897
00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:39,920
"Oh, okay."

898
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:41,440
"You sound very busy."

899
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:42,720
[chuckles]

900
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,800
"What does a work week look like for you?"

901
00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:49,280
"Oh yeah, thank you. As an entrepreneur,
entrepreneur, um, yeah…"

902
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:55,240
"I sell felt hats at the markets
every other Wednesday

903
00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:58,560
between 11:16 and 11:24."

904
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:02,760
"My partner's also an entrepreneur.
He collects butterflies."

905
00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:06,400
"Yeah. And actually
his parents have just bought us

906
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:10,400
our second clifftop property,
right next to Chris Hemsworth."

907
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:12,040
"We're doing really well."

908
00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:15,680
"Oh. Oh, okay."

909
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:18,800
"Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
You're not an entrepreneur."

910
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:20,280
"You're a cunt."

911
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:22,960
[audience laughing, cheering]

912
00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:28,400
And they've always got
really weird names as well, don't they?

913
00:43:28,480 --> 00:43:29,800
They never used to.

914
00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:33,240
In 1999, it was Troy and Alisha.

915
00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:37,560
But now everyone knows them
as Lacrosse and Spatula.

916
00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:39,720
[audience laughing]

917
00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:44,200
The world's gone mad.

918
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:47,760
Fucking bananas.
Do you know who's gonna save us?

919
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:49,640
Rihanna.

920
00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:51,280
[audience cheering]

921
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:53,560
Yeah, I shit you not, my friends.

922
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:56,480
Rihanna is gonna save us.
She is the queen of all things.

923
00:43:56,560 --> 00:44:00,560
She's all about inclusivity
and body positivity,

924
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:03,000
and all the products
she puts out into the world

925
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:04,280
do the exact same thing.

926
00:44:04,360 --> 00:44:09,040
She has literally
put her money where her mouth is, right?

927
00:44:09,120 --> 00:44:12,160
She has a lingerie line
called Savage X Fenty,

928
00:44:12,240 --> 00:44:17,040
and it just caters to
so many different types of bodies.

929
00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:19,200
And now because of her,

930
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:22,080
other lingerie companies
are starting to follow suit.

931
00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:24,560
Even Victoria's Secret

932
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:30,000
has started to finally expand
their size range, which is so great.

933
00:44:30,520 --> 00:44:32,000
-Although I will…
-[cheering]

934
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:33,960
…quickly say about Victoria's Secret,

935
00:44:34,720 --> 00:44:36,640
they can try a little bit harder

936
00:44:36,720 --> 00:44:42,240
because fuck knows they tried really hard
to make us hate ourselves for decades.

937
00:44:42,840 --> 00:44:45,360
-So they can… Yeah.
-[audience cheering, clapping]

938
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:50,520
But now we have Rihanna,

939
00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:52,040
and everything's fixed,

940
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:55,600
and her Savage X Fenty lingerie,
it's just so sexy.

941
00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:59,840
It's all really sexy. Even the names
of the products are really sexy.

942
00:44:59,920 --> 00:45:01,800
One of the products is called

943
00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:04,680
the Glossy Flossy Quarter Cup Bra.

944
00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:08,280
Yeah, no longer
the Over Shoulder Boulder Holder.

945
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:09,800
[audience laughing]

946
00:45:09,880 --> 00:45:14,080
Another product she's got
is called the Little Tart Open-Back Skirt.

947
00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:18,200
Shut up. That's hot.
There's another one that's called

948
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:21,680
the Gathered Mesh Crotchless Catsuit.

949
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:23,320
[gasps]

950
00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:25,120
That's hot.

951
00:45:26,440 --> 00:45:29,480
I was on her website, buying everything,

952
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:34,280
and I realized the one thing
she didn't have on there

953
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:38,520
was the Last Day of Period
Odorless Oversize Undies.

954
00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:40,040
[audience laughing]

955
00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:41,440
You know the ones?

956
00:45:41,520 --> 00:45:43,120
Yeah, you know the ones.

957
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:47,080
They hold your lettuce leaves in place
while absorbing your womb juice?

958
00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:49,000
[audience laughing]

959
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:50,960
[audience cheering, clapping]

960
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:52,160
[Celeste chuckles]

961
00:45:52,240 --> 00:45:54,240
[audience laughing]

962
00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:56,440
[laughs]

963
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:59,440
A guy up the back just went, "Oh my God!"

964
00:46:00,120 --> 00:46:02,120
[audience laughing, cheering]

965
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:07,280
Oh, that makes me so happy!

966
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:10,840
Where did I lose you, sir?

967
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,360
Was it the lettuce leaves
or the womb juice?

968
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:15,880
[audience laughing]

969
00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:17,040
[chuckles]

970
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:19,000
Oh yes.

971
00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:22,760
Have you guys ever seen
a Savage X Fenty runway show?

972
00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:26,160
-[audience members cheering]
-Yeah, shit, Bill, it's hot.

973
00:46:26,240 --> 00:46:29,560
Pop that in your wank bank.
You can have that for free. Ooh.

974
00:46:29,640 --> 00:46:32,760
Everyone on that runway
is just so diverse.

975
00:46:32,840 --> 00:46:35,800
There's just so many different types
of bodies up there.

976
00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:37,160
So many different shapes.

977
00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:39,040
Big, small, Black, white.

978
00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:41,760
Some are lumpy. Some are bumpy. Whatever.

979
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:43,800
But they are all very bendy.

980
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:48,800
People on that runway that can slut drop
whilst licking their back

981
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:51,520
and keeping an assertive
sexual eye contact at all times.

982
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:56,480
Queens so flexible
that they can kick and twerk

983
00:46:56,560 --> 00:46:58,440
and breastfeed all at the same time.

984
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:02,880
They're all just so sensual. I love it.

985
00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:06,680
I'd love to see
what some of those products look like

986
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:09,120
on someone who's had the body
of a middle-aged woman

987
00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:10,480
since the age of 12.

988
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:13,680
You know, someone
who doesn't throw their leg up

989
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:16,080
every time "WAP" comes on,

990
00:47:16,160 --> 00:47:18,720
but instead will actually go and get you

991
00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:21,160
a bucket and a mop for your wet-ass pussy.

992
00:47:21,240 --> 00:47:23,000
[audience laughing, clapping]

993
00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:24,000
Yeah.

994
00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:25,560
I would love to see

995
00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:30,320
what a Mesh Crotchless Catsuit looks like

996
00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:31,760
on someone named Patricia.

997
00:47:31,840 --> 00:47:33,320
[audience laughing]

998
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:36,600
Yeah. We all know Patricia.

999
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:38,720
She's practical.

1000
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:40,520
She's busy.

1001
00:47:42,080 --> 00:47:43,320
She's tired.

1002
00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:48,800
Hey, Patricia can be sexy
when she wants to be, hey.

1003
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:51,560
But if her husband tries to have sex
with her more than twice a month,

1004
00:47:51,640 --> 00:47:52,720
she'll call the police.

1005
00:47:54,840 --> 00:47:57,280
Can you imagine
Patricia backstage as well,

1006
00:47:57,360 --> 00:47:58,680
getting ready to go out?

1007
00:47:58,760 --> 00:48:01,000
Like, Cindy Crawford is back there,

1008
00:48:01,080 --> 00:48:05,880
just being Cindy fucking Crawford,
being amazing.

1009
00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:08,040
Lizzo is backstage.

1010
00:48:08,120 --> 00:48:10,800
Lizzo just like, "Fucking yaah!"

1011
00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:12,920
[imitates flute]

1012
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:13,960
Bitch!

1013
00:48:14,040 --> 00:48:14,960
[imitates flute]

1014
00:48:15,040 --> 00:48:15,960
"Yaah!"

1015
00:48:16,040 --> 00:48:19,320
And then they're like,
"Patricia, it's your turn. Are you ready?"

1016
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,160
And Patricia's like, "Yeah."

1017
00:48:23,040 --> 00:48:25,640
"I've been here for 40 minutes.
Parking's a bitch."

1018
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:29,560
"Can you hurry up, please? I've gotta do
school pickup in 20 minutes."

1019
00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:32,040
And then Patricia would come forward,

1020
00:48:32,120 --> 00:48:35,120
and she would talk you through
the pros and cons of every product.

1021
00:48:35,640 --> 00:48:37,920
"Hi, Patricia here.
I'm not gonna waste your time."

1022
00:48:38,000 --> 00:48:42,120
"Just wanting to talk to you
about the leather thong that I'm wearing."

1023
00:48:42,680 --> 00:48:46,160
"We don't recommend wearing this
after having a spicy curry."

1024
00:48:46,240 --> 00:48:48,240
[audience laughing]

1025
00:48:49,600 --> 00:48:53,640
"'Cause look, as you know,
it doesn't matter how many times you wipe,

1026
00:48:53,720 --> 00:48:55,280
sometimes things get stuck."

1027
00:48:57,400 --> 00:49:00,720
"I'll just let you know about the colors.
This one comes in red, black,

1028
00:49:00,800 --> 00:49:03,240
and for a limited time only, puce."

1029
00:49:03,320 --> 00:49:06,000
"Now, moving on to the nipple tassels,

1030
00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:08,480
for you queens out there who, like me,

1031
00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:10,720
have nipples the size of dinner plates…"

1032
00:49:10,800 --> 00:49:12,720
[audience laughing, cheering]

1033
00:49:12,800 --> 00:49:13,840
"…don't get these."

1034
00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:17,720
"Hold out for the silk pasties.
They'll be in in a month."

1035
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:18,960
"And just lastly,

1036
00:49:19,040 --> 00:49:22,680
I wanted to talk to you all about
the low-rise lace brief that I've got on."

1037
00:49:22,760 --> 00:49:25,240
"Getting a lot of emails online
about this."

1038
00:49:25,320 --> 00:49:28,520
"You all wanting to know if you should
purchase this particular product

1039
00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:29,960
if you have a gunt."

1040
00:49:31,160 --> 00:49:32,080
"Hmm?"

1041
00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:34,280
"And we say,

1042
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:36,120
"'Abso-fucking-lutely.'"

1043
00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:38,640
"We are all about the gunt."

1044
00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:42,200
"We don't want you to shy away
from said gunt."

1045
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:44,320
"Instead, we want you to lean into it,

1046
00:49:44,400 --> 00:49:47,640
and just make a clear choice
to either tuck her in

1047
00:49:48,480 --> 00:49:50,480
or just let her hang out."

1048
00:49:50,560 --> 00:49:52,880
[audience cheering, clapping]

1049
00:49:52,960 --> 00:49:54,960
[audience whistling]

1050
00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:06,880
I just wanna make sure
all the cameras can get it.

1051
00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:08,560
[audience laughing]

1052
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:12,560
All the guys on the cameras are like…
"Yeah, we've got it."

1053
00:50:12,640 --> 00:50:14,360
[laughing, cheering]

1054
00:50:14,440 --> 00:50:15,400
[Celeste laughs]

1055
00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:17,280
So recently I wrapped filming

1056
00:50:17,360 --> 00:50:20,160
on my first Netflix TV show, which--

1057
00:50:20,240 --> 00:50:21,640
-[audience cheering]
-Thanks.

1058
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:24,720
Thanks, you guys. It was awesome.

1059
00:50:25,280 --> 00:50:29,320
Um, and in the show,
I had to do my first-ever sex scene.

1060
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:30,320
[groans]

1061
00:50:30,400 --> 00:50:34,240
And I had to come.
I had to orgasm in the scene.

1062
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:38,760
So much so that the first line
of the scene is me saying,

1063
00:50:38,840 --> 00:50:40,520
"Oh shit, I'm coming!"

1064
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:43,960
Sorry, ladies.

1065
00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:45,400
That means to finish.

1066
00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:48,000
[audience laughing]

1067
00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:49,680
Yeah. Yeah.

1068
00:50:49,760 --> 00:50:53,000
All the men are like,
"She's right. That's what it means."

1069
00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:55,480
[audience laughing]

1070
00:50:57,320 --> 00:51:00,040
So I was talking to my husband about it,

1071
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:03,160
and I was like, you know,
"I've gotta do this sex scene."

1072
00:51:03,240 --> 00:51:05,880
He said, "How are you feeling about it?"
"I'm all right."

1073
00:51:05,960 --> 00:51:08,280
"I'm a little bit nervous
'cause I have to come."

1074
00:51:08,360 --> 00:51:09,840
"I have to orgasm in it."

1075
00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:11,480
And he went… "Oh."

1076
00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:14,440
"God."

1077
00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:16,200
"Oh."

1078
00:51:16,840 --> 00:51:18,680
"What face are you gonna pull?"

1079
00:51:18,760 --> 00:51:20,200
[audience laughing]

1080
00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:28,520
And I was like,
"The one I pull twice a year? Fuck off."

1081
00:51:28,600 --> 00:51:30,160
[audience laughing]

1082
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:34,760
So I got to set,
and I met my scene partner.

1083
00:51:34,840 --> 00:51:37,440
He was lovely, and we were
just talking through the scene,

1084
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:41,240
and he said to me, "Is there anything
that you just don't want me to do?"

1085
00:51:41,320 --> 00:51:43,920
And I went, "No, it's all right--
Actually, yeah."

1086
00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:48,040
"Is it okay if you don't fondle
with my double chin as a kink?"

1087
00:51:48,120 --> 00:51:49,320
"Is that okay?"

1088
00:51:51,320 --> 00:51:53,480
He was more than okay with that,
so that's good.

1089
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:58,280
Now, in the industry now, we have
what's called intimacy coaches

1090
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:01,240
or intimacy coordinators, right,
and they are fantastic.

1091
00:52:01,320 --> 00:52:04,840
They are there to keep us safe
from Harvey Weinstein, essentially.

1092
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:06,720
It's a big job.

1093
00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:08,280
They're there to make sure

1094
00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:10,760
that all our lettuce leaves
are packed away

1095
00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:14,400
and everyone knows
where they can and can't touch, right,

1096
00:52:14,480 --> 00:52:16,400
and how hard they can and can't touch.

1097
00:52:16,480 --> 00:52:18,560
And our intimacy coordinator was amazing.

1098
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:20,640
She was an ex-professional dancer

1099
00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:23,040
who had finished a tour
with Chicago, the musical,

1100
00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:25,480
so she had some excellent tips for us.

1101
00:52:25,560 --> 00:52:29,720
See, in the scene,
I had to be on top of him, and I…

1102
00:52:29,800 --> 00:52:33,480
Yeah. Again, ladies, supposedly an option.

1103
00:52:33,560 --> 00:52:35,880
[audience laughing]

1104
00:52:38,160 --> 00:52:39,000
"On top?"

1105
00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:41,560
'Cause I just usually get into bed,

1106
00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:44,680
lie on my side, and wait, really.

1107
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:47,440
[audience laughing]

1108
00:52:48,840 --> 00:52:50,840
[audience cheering]

1109
00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:54,560
[yawns]

1110
00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:57,920
[audience cheering, laughing]

1111
00:52:59,680 --> 00:53:00,800
Not this time.

1112
00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:02,720
I had to be on top.

1113
00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:06,120
What is this?
Some sort of exotic French film?

1114
00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:10,800
So,

1115
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:14,760
I'm on top of him… [chuckles]

1116
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:17,080
…and I turn to the intimacy coach,
and I was like,

1117
00:53:17,800 --> 00:53:19,800
"Can you please come here for a second?"

1118
00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:22,160
And she came over and I went,

1119
00:53:23,360 --> 00:53:25,160
"What do I do with my face?"

1120
00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:28,840
Because I'm an actor, you guys.
I know how to act.

1121
00:53:28,920 --> 00:53:30,360
I know how to act that.

1122
00:53:31,720 --> 00:53:34,240
[audience laughing, clapping]

1123
00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:38,520
But this is TV!

1124
00:53:38,600 --> 00:53:41,000
I didn't know what to do.
She had the best tip for me.

1125
00:53:41,080 --> 00:53:44,240
She said, "You know when you put a Q-Tip
in your ear?"

1126
00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:45,680
Like that.

1127
00:53:47,080 --> 00:53:49,080
[audience laughing]

1128
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:53,600
Take it home, ladies!

1129
00:53:53,680 --> 00:53:56,240
[audience cheering, clapping]

1130
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:59,600
Take it home!

1131
00:54:01,120 --> 00:54:03,480
This is my gift to you.

1132
00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:09,520
All you girls are gonna get home tonight,

1133
00:54:10,320 --> 00:54:13,440
and your partners are gonna be like,
"Hey, you wanna get into it?"

1134
00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:15,600
"Yeah, I'll just get the Q-Tips."

1135
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:19,480
All you bitches are gonna DM me
with photos like this.

1136
00:54:20,400 --> 00:54:22,120
[audience laughing]

1137
00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:25,120
Q-Tip. Genius.

1138
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:28,960
So I've got my face sorted.
I'm ready to go.

1139
00:54:30,440 --> 00:54:33,680
And we're there,
and we had to rehearse it, right?

1140
00:54:33,760 --> 00:54:35,240
And so we were kind of just…

1141
00:54:36,200 --> 00:54:38,800
Shut up.
We were going through the movements.

1142
00:54:40,720 --> 00:54:42,920
Going through the movements
and everything of it,

1143
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:46,480
and she came over to me
and was saying to me about my hips.

1144
00:54:46,560 --> 00:54:50,440
"At the moment, you're kind of,
like, pushing forward a lot."

1145
00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:54,640
"Why don't you instead try,
like, popping 'em back?"

1146
00:54:55,880 --> 00:54:57,320
"Popping 'em back like that."

1147
00:54:58,080 --> 00:54:59,080
And I went,

1148
00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:01,720
"Who fucks like that?"

1149
00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:03,800
[audience laughing]

1150
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:06,520
No.

1151
00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:10,680
And she said,

1152
00:55:11,680 --> 00:55:12,800
"People that come."

1153
00:55:13,880 --> 00:55:16,960
[audience laughing, cheering]

1154
00:55:17,040 --> 00:55:19,040
[audience clapping]

1155
00:55:21,720 --> 00:55:23,360
[groans mockingly]

1156
00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:26,040
"All these people that come." [groans]

1157
00:55:26,800 --> 00:55:28,840
[laughing] "The fucking people that come."

1158
00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:33,600
Oh God.

1159
00:55:34,640 --> 00:55:38,880
So we finished rehearsal,
and we were about to do a take,

1160
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:41,560
and as the director called, "Action,"

1161
00:55:42,160 --> 00:55:46,440
she five-six-seven-eighted me into it.

1162
00:55:46,520 --> 00:55:50,160
I was like, "All right, bitch.
You didn't come to play."

1163
00:55:50,240 --> 00:55:51,480
"Let's fucking go, huh?"

1164
00:55:52,200 --> 00:55:53,600
"Huh? Huh?"

1165
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:58,680
So we're doing it,
and, you know, I felt awesome as well.

1166
00:55:58,760 --> 00:56:01,400
I had all hair and makeup done,
the lighting was amazing,

1167
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:04,600
and it was a closed set, which means
there was hardly anyone there.

1168
00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:06,680
So we're kinda doing it,

1169
00:56:06,760 --> 00:56:08,960
and my scene partner was looking up at me,

1170
00:56:09,040 --> 00:56:11,920
going, "You're doing great, sweetie!"
I said, "Thanks!"

1171
00:56:12,000 --> 00:56:14,360
So we're doing it.
We got all different angles,

1172
00:56:14,440 --> 00:56:16,200
and the director called, "Cut!"

1173
00:56:16,280 --> 00:56:18,640
And we're all like, "Yay, we did it!"

1174
00:56:18,720 --> 00:56:22,080
Because, to be honest with you,
I was actually really nervous about it.

1175
00:56:22,160 --> 00:56:24,440
You hear horror stories
about this sort of stuff.

1176
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:28,200
But I have to say, it was
a really positive experience for me.

1177
00:56:28,280 --> 00:56:30,920
I felt really looked after
and really safe,

1178
00:56:31,000 --> 00:56:34,040
and I actually just felt kinda liberated
at the end of it.

1179
00:56:34,120 --> 00:56:37,160
So I'm one of the executive producers
on the show,

1180
00:56:37,240 --> 00:56:41,280
and I asked if they could just send me
just a little edit that night.

1181
00:56:41,360 --> 00:56:42,480
[audience laughing]

1182
00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:44,920
And they did.
They sent it over that night.

1183
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:48,760
I got home, got it all set up… [chuckles]

1184
00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:50,840
…poured myself a little glass of wine,

1185
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:53,760
and I started watching it. [chuckles]

1186
00:56:54,480 --> 00:56:55,800
Oh my God!

1187
00:56:55,880 --> 00:56:58,040
[audience laughing]

1188
00:56:58,120 --> 00:57:00,120
I don't know what happened!

1189
00:57:00,960 --> 00:57:06,160
Honestly, I thought I was giving my best,
like, Demi Moore, like, Striptease vibes.

1190
00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:10,280
I wasn't. I looked like a fucking terrier
trying to hump a tennis ball.

1191
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:11,880
[audience laughing]

1192
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:13,960
[audience laughing, clapping]

1193
00:57:22,040 --> 00:57:26,760
My husband had every right to be worried
about what face I was going to pull.

1194
00:57:27,400 --> 00:57:31,760
The only way to describe
what face I was pulling

1195
00:57:32,360 --> 00:57:35,560
was like a silent machine gun.
Like… [imitates rapid gunfire]

1196
00:57:35,640 --> 00:57:37,320
[audience laughing]

1197
00:57:49,840 --> 00:57:51,160
[audience member cheering]

1198
00:57:52,160 --> 00:57:53,120
[Celeste chuckles]

1199
00:57:55,120 --> 00:57:58,040
So you guys need to make sure
you all keep your eye out

1200
00:57:58,120 --> 00:58:00,640
for my new Netflix TV show, yeah?

1201
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:02,720
[audience cheering, clapping]

1202
00:58:02,800 --> 00:58:05,680
Thanks for coming out, Sydney!

1203
00:58:05,760 --> 00:58:08,520
-[audience cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]

1204
00:58:08,600 --> 00:58:10,480
[audience whistling and cheering]

1205
00:58:10,560 --> 00:58:13,800
♪ 'Cause you know we 'bout to
Throw down in this place light it up ♪

1206
00:58:13,880 --> 00:58:15,680
♪ Sit back and we'll fill your cup ♪

1207
00:58:15,760 --> 00:58:18,720
♪ I-I-I know that you know
We re-re-ready to go ♪

1208
00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:22,520
♪ So if you're ready to go
Just take it out to the floor ♪

1209
00:58:22,600 --> 00:58:25,000
♪ If you got moves, let 'em show
'Cause you know… ♪

1210
00:58:25,080 --> 00:58:26,800
[audience cheering]

1211
00:58:27,600 --> 00:58:28,720
[Celeste] Ready?

1212
00:58:28,800 --> 00:58:29,800
Go!

1213
00:58:30,360 --> 00:58:31,680
[music continues]

1214
00:58:31,760 --> 00:58:33,520
[audience cheering]

1215
00:58:33,600 --> 00:58:37,440
♪ We'll work it out
But for now in the meantime ♪

1216
00:58:37,520 --> 00:58:40,960
♪ So if you're ready to go
Just take it out to the floor ♪

1217
00:58:41,040 --> 00:58:42,680
♪ If you got moves, let 'em show ♪

1218
00:58:42,760 --> 00:58:46,040
♪ 'Cause you know we 'bout to throw down
In this place, light it up ♪

1219
00:58:46,120 --> 00:58:48,160
♪ Sit back and we'll fill your cup ♪

1220
00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:51,720
♪ I-I-I know that you know
We re-re-ready to go ♪

1221
00:58:51,800 --> 00:58:53,160
♪ Ready to go… ♪

1222
00:58:53,240 --> 00:58:54,080
Thanks!

1223
00:58:54,160 --> 00:58:56,960
[audience cheering, whistling]

1224
00:58:57,040 --> 00:58:58,320
Bye!

1225
00:58:58,400 --> 00:59:01,800
♪ Down in this place, light it up
Sit back and we'll fill your cup ♪

1226
00:59:01,880 --> 00:59:05,120
♪ I-I-I know that you know
We re-re-ready to go ♪

1227
00:59:05,200 --> 00:59:08,720
♪ So if you're ready to go
Just take it out to the floor ♪

1228
00:59:08,800 --> 00:59:10,160
♪ If you got moves, let 'em show ♪

1229
00:59:10,240 --> 00:59:13,640
♪ 'Cause you know we 'bout to throw down
In this place, light it up ♪

1230
00:59:13,720 --> 00:59:15,560
♪ Sit back and we'll fill your cup ♪

1231
00:59:15,640 --> 00:59:19,560
♪ I-I-I know that you know
We re-re-ready to go ♪

1232
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:34,560
[music fades]