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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎（於加迪加爾人依奧拉國土上
‎雪梨歌劇院拍攝）

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎雪梨歌劇院的觀眾們

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‎有請斯萊絲特巴伯上台

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‎爽啦

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‎雪梨觀眾好，你們好嗎？

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‎帥呆了

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‎歡迎各位參加我的Netflix特輯

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‎太屌了

11
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‎來到這裡讓我好興奮啊，我好…

12
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‎我和先生在一起19年了

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‎我們感情的成功關鍵

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‎百分之百是在於距離

15
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‎以及遠離彼此

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‎我們很擅長跟對方錯開

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‎非常擅長

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‎但後來開始封城

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‎他變得無所不在

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‎隨時隨地都在

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‎就算他的臉不在

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‎老二也在

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‎過猶不及

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‎一切都變得不成比例

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‎一切都被放大百倍

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‎不過他的老二沒有，大小還是一樣

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‎但我認為19年是很長的時間

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‎我和先生一同度過不少經歷

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‎我從21歲便成了他女兒的繼母

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‎我們非常要好

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‎但封城差點讓我們反目成仇

32
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‎怎麼有人能在那段時間受孕？

33
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‎“這是我們的Covid寶寶

34
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‎我們就是忍不住要翻雲覆雨”

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‎怎麼辦到的？

36
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‎我們從頭到尾就只想遠遠離開對方

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‎有時候會一整天

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‎各自坐在沙發兩端，沉默無語

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‎時不時互相比個中指

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‎“親愛的，今天這個就賞你了

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‎順便再打包幾個明天用”

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‎只差一步就要離婚了

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‎女演員潔美李寇蒂斯已結婚27年

44
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‎27年耶

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‎她幾年前在訪問中被問到

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‎“維持婚姻有什麼祕訣？”

47
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‎她說

48
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‎“不要離開”

49
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:06,640
‎她就這麼說：“不要離開就好了

50
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‎你得留在巴士上

51
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‎巴士不停地開

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‎車外景色或許會改變

53
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,600
‎但你得繼續坐好”

54
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‎封城之後應該沒多少人能這麼說吧？

55
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‎要是可以，我會把那輛巴士開去撞樹

56
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‎放一把火燒了，然後遠遠逃開

57
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,760
‎但我不得不說，也不全然只有壞事

58
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,640
‎我在那段時間對我丈夫多了一些瞭解

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‎我發現他每次只要喝水

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‎就會想要擊掌

61
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‎屢試不爽

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‎“早上10點了

63
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‎我剛喝完第2公升的水”

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‎“做得好，老公

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‎6點會進行頒獎典禮，恭喜”

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‎我發現每次只要我們起爭執

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‎他就會打掃房子

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‎沒錯

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‎我有事沒事就會找他瞎吵一架

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‎我也發現他多常想要和我做愛

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‎但更重要的是

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‎我有多常拒絕

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‎我本來並不知道，完全不知道

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‎他還會換各種方法嘗試

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‎有時會裝得很自然

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‎“老婆，兒子們在用iPad

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‎妳想找點午後樂子嗎？”

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‎我說

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‎“不用了，謝謝”

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‎有時也會耍浪漫

81
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‎“我放了泡泡浴
‎來吧，我們一起洗澡”

82
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‎我說：“我很乾淨，你走開啦”

83
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‎一陣子後，他就放棄了

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‎他有時會突然全裸迸出來

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‎“妳要做什麼？”

86
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‎“跟你無關”

87
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,480
‎就算我在熟睡也阻止不了他的興致

88
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‎例如我在打呼，他也會這樣

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‎“妳想要來點…”

90
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‎我會說：“不要，別碰，走開”

91
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,960
‎“那我可以躺在這邊，自己解決嗎？”

92
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‎“可以，不過事後要弄乾淨”

93
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‎他說：“妳說什麼？”

94
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‎“我晚點再找你吵架，先別在意”

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‎不過我認為

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‎結縭19年後

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‎他在那段時間說出了最浪漫的話

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‎我永遠不會忘記

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‎有天他走近我，兩人四目相對，他說

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‎“寶貝

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‎我們去床上玩手機玩到沒電吧”

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‎我和他在床上激戰一整夜

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‎和孩子們全天候待在家

104
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‎讓我發現他們長得多快

105
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‎以及我有多不能接受

106
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‎我完全無法承受

107
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‎我希望他們永遠都是小寶寶

108
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‎要是孩子發育到衣服穿不下
‎我會破口大罵

109
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‎拒絕買新衣服給他們

110
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‎“是你自己選擇要長大的
‎後果自行承擔”

111
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‎我11歲兒子的衣服超緊

112
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‎他穿背心去上學
‎活生生像是小甜甜布蘭妮的粉絲

113
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‎“去吧，寶貝，免錢的
‎拿出本色，去吧”

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‎我兒子一個八歲，一個11歲

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‎我還是會消毒他們的奶嘴，備而不用

116
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‎有時候會把他們推出門
‎暗自希望他們會哭

117
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‎只想回來抱我

118
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‎我以前沒辦法餵兩個兒子母乳

119
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‎現在卻都說
‎“你們想試試看嗎？試一下啦

120
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‎來嘛”

121
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‎我心裡不太平衡

122
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‎所以我盡量把握和他們在一起的時光

123
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‎我在家裡和兒子們
‎開始進行一種夜間小儀式

124
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‎也可稱之為“夜床服務”

125
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‎兩個兒子同住一個房間

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‎永遠都不會分開

127
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‎他們有兩張單人床

128
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‎我喜歡進去幫他們布置

129
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‎把燈關掉，在天花板貼星星

130
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‎弄點薰衣草香味之類的芳香氣息

131
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:20,880
‎等他們進來躺上床

132
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‎我們會一起唱歌

133
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,880
‎我們喜歡經典歌，最愛的是…

134
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,920
‎一閃一閃亮晶晶

135
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‎滿天都是小星星

136
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‎我每次都在想
‎兒子們長大後會有什麼回憶

137
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,680
‎也會想他們對我會有什麼回憶

138
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‎我真心希望這會是其中之一

139
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:49,960
‎因為我覺得這段時間
‎對他們來說意義重大

140
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:54,400
‎所以我開始在這段夜間儀式加上酒

141
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,880
‎總不能只顧到孩子吧

142
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,440
‎我們現實點吧，畢竟當時在封城

143
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:04,360
‎所以我大多時候，在週中都醉醺醺的

144
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,160
‎在下午5點喝過幾瓶酒後

145
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:13,360
‎我發現我唱的歌
‎有點偏離《小星星》了

146
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:19,000
‎反而比較像是2002年的凱西錢伯斯

147
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,480
‎我不夠漂亮嗎？

148
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,920
‎我的心太破碎了嗎？

149
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,720
‎越接近週末，狀況就越嚴重

150
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,240
‎到了週六，我們會開龍舌蘭

151
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,400
‎小包裝毒品也出來了

152
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,920
‎我察覺他們在長大

153
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:41,760
‎一切都爛透了

154
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,200
‎而且反正我們都會死，所以…

155
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,920
‎所有人一起來…

156
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,480
‎全世界的人都一起來

157
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,920
‎孩子們到週日都精神受創了

158
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,280
‎週日很好玩

159
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,640
‎我在家裡走著，說：“兒子們

160
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,480
‎夜間儀式時間到了”

161
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,920
‎我發現他們從下午2點就躺在床上

162
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,600
‎假裝在睡覺，心裡想著

163
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,520
‎“慘了”

164
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:18,200
‎這年頭的孩子都很聰明，有夠扯

165
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,640
‎他們現在都好聰明

166
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,800
‎我小時候什麼都不懂

167
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:24,760
‎腦袋一片空白

168
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,560
‎我和爸媽就喜歡這樣

169
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:32,080
‎如果我爸媽說要去哪

170
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,120
‎上車就是了

171
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:36,200
‎對吧？

172
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,720
‎儘管上車就是了

173
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,760
‎不會多問要去哪

174
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:47,800
‎死白癡

175
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:50,960
‎上車就是了

176
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,000
‎假如我問了

177
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,360
‎因為笨姊姊強迫我發問

178
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:59,760
‎回應永遠是我爸咬牙切齒瞪著我

179
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,600
‎說：“給我上車”

180
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:06,440
‎“慘了，對不起”

181
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,640
‎我爸媽會對我們睜眼說瞎話

182
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,000
‎他們會說：“女兒們
‎我們要去迪士尼樂園”

183
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,160
‎結果我們發現自己躺在某處

184
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,240
‎做人生首次巴氏塗片檢查，滿頭霧水

185
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,360
‎沒想到飛濺山會是這種玩法

186
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:29,760
‎現在可不能那麼做了

187
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,640
‎不可能

188
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:33,840
‎一堆覺醒小屁孩

189
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,600
‎要是那麼做，會被他們申請保護令

190
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,040
‎我得交給我的孩子

191
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:44,920
‎每天的完整行程表

192
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,720
‎每十分鐘就得和他們確認

193
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,160
‎確保他們對當天行程滿意

194
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,440
‎太扯了

195
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,160
‎非常累人

196
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,520
‎但我很努力在跟上

197
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,480
‎有天我兒子在一起玩

198
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,360
‎八歲的罵11歲的娘娘腔

199
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,840
‎我插嘴說：“不好意思，不行喔

200
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,080
‎請不要那樣罵他，那是在貶低女性”

201
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,400
‎他氣沖沖朝我走過來

202
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,200
‎他說：“為什麼？我又沒對妳說

203
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,600
‎他也不是女性”

204
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:29,200
‎他媽的

205
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:31,920
‎真他媽的

206
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:34,760
‎說得太有道理了

207
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,200
‎我喜歡看兒子一起玩

208
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,960
‎讓我想起小時候都跟我姊一起玩

209
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,960
‎她叫奧莉薇亞，比我大四歲

210
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,920
‎我小時候十分黏她

211
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,280
‎我們兩人也是南轅北轍

212
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:52,160
‎她是走憂慮風

213
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:03,040
‎而我則是過動兒

214
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,520
‎但我很黏她

215
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,320
‎而且不管她怎麼對我都沒差

216
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:19,040
‎她還曾踩我的頭當階梯

217
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,560
‎走進游泳池

218
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:27,840
‎我們其實有階梯可以下游泳池

219
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,200
‎但她想用我的頭代替

220
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,120
‎所以我先下水

221
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,560
‎她踩在我頭上

222
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,000
‎在她跳水的時候

223
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:37,880
‎輕輕踢了我的頭，我就撞到游泳池邊

224
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,480
‎血流得到處都是

225
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,600
‎我記得在我從自己的血海中浮上來時

226
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:50,120
‎她只對我大聲說

227
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,040
‎“不要告訴媽”

228
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:54,360
‎我說

229
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,600
‎“我知道

230
00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:00,400
‎我不說，拜託妳以後還是要跟我玩”

231
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,200
‎她也告訴我

232
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,160
‎我們有個哥哥名叫麥可

233
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:09,160
‎他死於狂臉病

234
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,840
‎對，最慘的那種狂犬病

235
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:23,440
‎她逼我發誓不能告訴爸媽

236
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,240
‎因為他們還是很難受

237
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,400
‎她跟我說

238
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:34,800
‎爸媽把他葬在車庫，才不用跟他分離

239
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,920
‎然後她帶我到這個車庫

240
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,400
‎好讓我們一起“緬懷他”

241
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:48,560
‎就在我瘋狂尋找麥可的神龕時

242
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,440
‎她把我推進去，把燈關掉

243
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,240
‎關上門，上鎖

244
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:55,960
‎我毫不在意

245
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,680
‎只要她願意跟我一起玩

246
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,760
‎我很樂意被假哥哥的鬼魂纏上

247
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,880
‎小時候唯一比我大姊還酷的人

248
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:07,520
‎就是她朋友

249
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,000
‎真他媽的

250
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,600
‎她朋友以前來我家玩的時候

251
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,080
‎我會火力全開

252
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,680
‎他們會看到我最賣力的一面

253
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,040
‎你們這些可憐蟲還得花錢
‎他們免費就能觀看

254
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,440
‎我超喜歡

255
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:26,080
‎對我來說就像超級盃，我很興奮

256
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,840
‎我記得我媽說
‎“奧莉薇亞，小珍來找妳了”

257
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:32,120
‎我心想：“好戲要登場囉

258
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,360
‎他媽的小珍來囉

259
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,480
‎小他媽的珍，好耶

260
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:42,800
‎珍來囉”，我好興奮

261
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,680
‎我會對我爸媽說：“你們倆動起來

262
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,120
‎別給我搞砸了

263
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:48,720
‎小珍！

264
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,240
‎小珍！”，我好興奮

265
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,200
‎小珍一走進我家

266
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,440
‎我就會裝出最酷的模樣

267
00:14:58,520 --> 00:14:59,560
‎走向她，對她說

268
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,120
‎“妳是小珍吧？隨便啦

269
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,160
‎今天在學校看到妳，沒太在意”

270
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,000
‎我跟小珍本人說話耶！

271
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:17,200
‎然後我會躲在莫名其妙的地方

272
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,200
‎以防她們會臨時需要我

273
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,760
‎“要玩躲貓貓嗎？不要？好”

274
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,120
‎或是小珍想吃零食

275
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,080
‎我會憑空冒出來

276
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,680
‎就像地產代理人在辦開放參觀日一樣

277
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,280
‎不停說著毫無用處的廢話

278
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,840
‎“小珍，妳好嗎？很高興看到妳

279
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,720
‎妳想吃零食吧？我來幫妳

280
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,240
‎請到我們的開放式廚房
‎我帶妳去食物櫃

281
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,480
‎妳在食物櫃這裡會發現

282
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,680
‎照明在開門時會自動亮起

283
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,720
‎沒幾個人知道這件事

284
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,360
‎零食請自取

285
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:56,760
‎稍後如果妳有意願

286
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,680
‎我再教妳怎麼踩階梯下游泳池”

287
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,120
‎我一向都不太擅長社交

288
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,320
‎沒錯，而且這問題越來越嚴重

289
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,360
‎因為現在大家還真的想跟我一起玩

290
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,200
‎但我不想要

291
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,680
‎我…我不想要

292
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,360
‎因為我不知道該怎麼做，我覺得很難

293
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,680
‎我覺得閒聊非常難

294
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,320
‎我在五分鐘內的表現還不錯

295
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,560
‎我可以走進任何派對

296
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:33,040
‎對所有人做出好笑而不恰當的觀察

297
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,920
‎然後我會恭維主人

298
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,160
‎稱讚她那美麗而昂貴的裝潢

299
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,120
‎然後我就黔驢技窮了

300
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,480
‎沒剩任何招數

301
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,080
‎我會開始恐慌

302
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,360
‎開始嘲笑某個小孩的下巴突出

303
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,720
‎我會說：“他媽的…”

304
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:54,600
‎我先生也能看出我在恐慌

305
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,520
‎他會颯爽登場

306
00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,280
‎一陣風衝進來，像英雄一樣帶我離開

307
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:05,520
‎我先生非常擅長社交

308
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,400
‎這真的讓我很不爽

309
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,200
‎因為我覺得那麼好看的人

310
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,400
‎不該在生活方面也表現那麼好

311
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,160
‎不要腳踏兩條船

312
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,360
‎但他真的就是這樣，很擅長社交

313
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,560
‎他會變得很健談

314
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:24,920
‎這很有意思

315
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,880
‎因為他在我們婚姻中都不用言語溝通

316
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,640
‎卻和素不相識的人說個沒完沒了

317
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,960
‎知道全世界他最喜歡哪裡嗎？

318
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,320
‎優步的前座

319
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,600
‎那不是我們對這裡的代稱

320
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:52,400
‎他超愛優步前座，會跟我搶著坐

321
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:54,840
‎他會說：“賤人，給我滾，我要閒聊”

322
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,640
‎他跳上前座，開始聊了起來

323
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:02,960
‎突然變得多話又多情

324
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,800
‎要是對話開始有點乾

325
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:14,160
‎他有一整套的尬聊話題可以用

326
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:15,960
‎隨口發揮

327
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,880
‎他對天氣永遠都有說不完的話

328
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,600
‎他對園藝有些很模糊的統計數據

329
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,080
‎我通常都在後座

330
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,040
‎自己上網查

331
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,040
‎“園藝是什麼？”

332
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:41,400
‎他在前座大聊政治，暢快無比

333
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,760
‎我一直在觀察他，因為我想學習

334
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,280
‎我想進步

335
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:48,080
‎有次我們在家庭聚會，我就觀察他

336
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,240
‎他直接走向一群不認識的人

337
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,280
‎就這樣，沒人叫他過去

338
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,800
‎他是自己走過去找這群人的

339
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,000
‎然後他開始說話

340
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:03,080
‎他們開始回話

341
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:07,920
‎每個人都在聊天，毫不費力

342
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:12,800
‎所有女性突然都變得對園藝很有興趣

343
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,320
‎看起來很愉快

344
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,720
‎所以我就想：“我也行嘛

345
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:18,880
‎看起來很簡單”

346
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,840
‎我看到一群人，就滿懷信心走近他們

347
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,840
‎我說：“大家好

348
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,080
‎你們活像一群賤婊一樣
‎誰想要照片？”

349
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,520
‎你們也有人認為在國際疫情時

350
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,240
‎正適合停用抗憂鬱藥嗎？

351
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,160
‎沒有嗎？

352
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:46,360
‎只有我？

353
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,160
‎那我們就來聊一下吧

354
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:51,400
‎停用抗憂鬱藥

355
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,560
‎就是個狗屁主意

356
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,760
‎爛透了

357
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,840
‎我服用的抗憂鬱藥

358
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:10,160
‎如果使用方法正確
‎依存性要六週才會消失

359
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,560
‎當然也可以瞬間停藥

360
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,480
‎如果想找死的話

361
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:20,000
‎但通常是建議慢慢停

362
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,920
‎讓它們用六個禮拜在體內慢慢消失

363
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,200
‎我已經想戒掉抗憂鬱藥很久了

364
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,000
‎因為我有藥癮

365
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,880
‎其實道理不是這樣，不過沒差

366
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,080
‎但每次跟我每個醫生提起的時候

367
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,720
‎他們都…

368
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,920
‎我自以為是喬羅根嗎？
‎還“我每個醫生”咧

369
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,800
‎每次我和我那兩個醫生提起的時候

370
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,480
‎他們都會說我這個時候不適合戒

371
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,920
‎因為我很常旅行，工作又不安穩

372
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,680
‎他們說：“妳的人生一點都不穩定”

373
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,160
‎“謝謝喔”

374
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,520
‎所以封城開始後，他們就想說

375
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,520
‎現在可能不錯
‎因為我都待在同一個地方

376
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:17,480
‎我說：“這個主意太妙了

377
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,720
‎可能是你們至今表現最好的一次”

378
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:25,120
‎把我困在一間小公寓
‎此時全世界情勢渾沌不明

379
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,520
‎再拿走唯一支持我的東西

380
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,600
‎所以我決定要戒了

381
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:33,800
‎我得告訴你們

382
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,360
‎真的很不好過

383
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,600
‎因為我發現我在服藥時

384
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:44,040
‎是處於一種麻木、半夢半醒狀態

385
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:45,640
‎從頭到尾都這樣

386
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,360
‎然後我停用抗憂鬱藥時

387
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,200
‎我的狀態就變得

388
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,560
‎算是一頭徹徹底底的畜生

389
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:59,120
‎沒人比我先生還要辛苦

390
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,760
‎因為他永遠不知道會遇到什麼狀況

391
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,520
‎例如他走進廚房，問我說

392
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,360
‎“老婆，妳好嗎？

393
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,600
‎妳要買什麼東西嗎？”，我的回應是

394
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:11,920
‎“他媽的買爆！

395
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:16,000
‎買…他媽的買爆

396
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,040
‎買…我想買什麼嗎？

397
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:20,720
‎直接說不想買的比較快

398
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,200
‎可以幫我買…

399
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:25,200
‎六條特趣和四條瑪氏巧克力棒

400
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:26,600
‎再加一些肉桂嗎？”

401
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:36,400
‎他說

402
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:41,640
‎“'六條特趣和四條瑪氏巧克力棒？”

403
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,200
‎然後我會變這樣

404
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,200
‎“還有一些肉桂

405
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,520
‎我還想要一些肉桂

406
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,800
‎你每次都不聽我說話

407
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,320
‎我要六條特趣

408
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,880
‎四條瑪氏巧克力棒

409
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,560
‎還有一些肉桂”

410
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,720
‎他說：“沒事的，別激動

411
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,720
‎不會有事的”

412
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,160
‎“不會有事喔？

413
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,680
‎不會有事嗎？

414
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,880
‎我隨時受到的露骨輕蔑…”

415
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,480
‎我變成受委屈的凱特布蘭琪

416
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,080
‎“你這傢伙究竟憑什麼

417
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,440
‎以為你可以這樣跟我說…”

418
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:39,360
‎以及《魔戒》的所有角色

419
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,040
‎“我的寶貝，你想去買東西？

420
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,760
‎你最好再想一想，王八蛋”

421
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,000
‎那段時間對我們大家來說都很夢幻

422
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,400
‎另外，我還患有過動症

423
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,080
‎就是…這不是笑話

424
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,280
‎很高興能知道現場的標準在哪

425
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:13,600
‎過動症

426
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:17,360
‎注意力不足過動症

427
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:21,160
‎換句話說，就是我的思緒很難定下來

428
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:24,560
‎我也很難靜止不動

429
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:26,840
‎以及保持專注

430
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,440
‎我是在16歲被診斷出過動症

431
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,200
‎在那個時代

432
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:35,000
‎這種病環繞著無數羞恥

433
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,240
‎我確診時，以為我的世界要毀滅了

434
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:42,040
‎我感到好丟臉，不想讓任何人知道

435
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:43,920
‎完全沒辦法去上學

436
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,240
‎所以我爸媽想說可以去找老師談談

437
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,600
‎讓他們知道我被診斷出過動症

438
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,320
‎也開始服藥

439
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,000
‎希望能讓他們一起幫忙

440
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:55,840
‎結果沒成功

441
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,960
‎我記得其中一個老師說：“斯萊絲特

442
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:03,080
‎妳現在整個學年都要幫全校倒垃圾

443
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,640
‎我們就不會告訴妳同學妳腦袋…”

444
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:09,120
‎糟透了

445
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,800
‎現在好多了，這是好事

446
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,280
‎現在有過動症反而有點酷

447
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:19,680
‎每個人好像都是病友

448
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,720
‎而且都把它拿來當藉口，對吧？

449
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,160
‎像是有人在咖啡店插隊

450
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:29,840
‎就會說：“真的很抱歉

451
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,040
‎都是因為我的神經多樣性”

452
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:34,280
‎我就會說

453
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:37,240
‎“我也是啊

454
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:38,800
‎我已經排40分鐘了

455
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:41,280
‎伊隆馬斯克，給我滾到後面排隊

456
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:43,560
‎滾啦”

457
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,960
‎現在大家都隨隨便便丟出這些字眼

458
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,400
‎來正當化他們的狗屁行為

459
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,880
‎例如可以聽到政客說…

460
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:57,320
‎抱歉，不是政客

461
00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,200
‎是變態，口誤

462
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,160
‎這個笑話在美國有不一樣的反應

463
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,200
‎我們會聽到政客在開記者會時

464
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:20,320
‎說道：“大家好，我剛得知我患有…

465
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,760
‎自閉…自閉症

466
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:26,360
‎所以我才會把手伸進她的裙底”

467
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,040
‎或是會聽到足球員說…

468
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:44,840
‎“我之所以侵犯她

469
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,760
‎是因為我媽剛說我患有過動症”

470
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:50,960
‎這讓我很不爽

471
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,920
‎我可是過動症的活招牌

472
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,560
‎小時候就確診

473
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,480
‎幾十年來間歇用藥

474
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,120
‎我可以告訴你們

475
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:04,240
‎我從來沒把屌伸進它不受歡迎的地方

476
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:16,040
‎這事是真的

477
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,000
‎我開始服用過動症新藥，這是好事

478
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:23,760
‎幫助我更專心

479
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:28,000
‎但其中一項副作用
‎是會大幅加深我的憂慮

480
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:29,320
‎真的很強烈

481
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,960
‎所以我必須常運動才能應付

482
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:33,880
‎所以我很常散步

483
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,920
‎我喜歡散步，有種…我超愛散步

484
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:41,600
‎有機會就去走走，會盡量早起散步

485
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,840
‎在早上6點起床
‎趁路上沒人趕快走完

486
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:46,480
‎我本來是這麼想的

487
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:49,120
‎結果發現早上6點就有好多人在散步

488
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,920
‎所有在6點散步的人

489
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,240
‎都很愛把6點散步這件事掛嘴邊

490
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:03,360
‎我好像加入了晨走聊天俱樂部

491
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,000
‎但我根本不想加入

492
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:10,600
‎我在那邊拖著沉重腳步

493
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,000
‎只想趕快走完

494
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:14,960
‎然後就會看到那種人

495
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:18,280
‎通常都是異性戀老白男

496
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,600
‎旁若無人享受他的特權

497
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:23,440
‎“不錯喔”

498
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:27,160
‎佔滿整條路，因為他不需要靠邊走

499
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,680
‎整條路都是他的

500
00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:34,880
‎但等我們距離開始拉近

501
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,160
‎他就不太確定該靠哪邊走了，對吧？

502
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:44,080
‎早上6點玩這種遊戲還真開心

503
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,040
‎他媽…

504
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,280
‎“你要…”，等距離再次拉近

505
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,480
‎就變得有點像在跳踢踏舞了

506
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:54,040
‎“大河之舞，隨便靠一邊走啦，拜託”

507
00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:59,600
‎我最喜歡的6點散步同好

508
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,280
‎是上了某個年紀的女性

509
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,560
‎她們通常都戴著遮陽帽

510
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:06,440
‎別著腰包

511
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:08,800
‎因為她們不知道要出門多久

512
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:17,640
‎她們非常活躍

513
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,360
‎完全沒做計畫，卻沒人比她們忙碌

514
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:33,840
‎超忙，好多事要顧

515
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:35,680
‎一堆事要做

516
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:37,000
‎但我來說說她們不做什麼

517
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:38,920
‎幫忙照顧孫子

518
00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:46,840
‎我愛她們

519
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,880
‎晨間散步絕對無法避免的人

520
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,800
‎就是剛健身完的第二波女性主義者

521
00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:58,880
‎她總是穿著那種成套運動裝

522
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:03,120
‎跟膚色搭起來
‎不是有點太淺，就是有點太深

523
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:06,200
‎所以永遠看起來都跟全裸一樣

524
00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:09,640
‎我看到都嚇壞了

525
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,480
‎因為我不確定她知不知道時間還早

526
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:14,400
‎像是這樣

527
00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:16,600
‎“不好意思…搞屁啊？

528
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:21,480
‎抱歉，我能看到輪廓
‎所以不是很確定”

529
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,400
‎我懂啦，解放乳頭、解放陰唇，隨便

530
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:32,640
‎我超喜歡

531
00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:34,640
‎她們都有夠吵

532
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,480
‎又有信心

533
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:39,160
‎還想讓所有人知道
‎她們有多吵，又多有信心

534
00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:41,840
‎她們看到我就會說
‎“我看到妳了，姊妹

535
00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:43,560
‎看看妳這個美女

536
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:47,400
‎穿著緊身褲和寬鬆毛衣，讚

537
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,320
‎去掌握妳的人生吧，女強人

538
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,200
‎看看我們有多強

539
00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:54,680
‎別聽任何男人或醜女

540
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:56,520
‎說妳辦不到

541
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:58,600
‎我們是女強人”

542
00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:05,360
‎知道我還不喜歡什麼嗎？

543
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:07,040
‎拉屎的狗

544
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:11,560
‎好多狗在拉屎

545
00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:13,520
‎我告訴你們，牠們還會等我

546
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:15,200
‎牠們會等我，真的

547
00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:16,960
‎牠們看到我走近

548
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:18,680
‎就蹲下去

549
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:28,400
‎我能看到牠們的括約肌正興奮地狂噴

550
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:33,000
‎牠們狠狠地盯著我看

551
00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:35,840
‎一邊拉屎

552
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,560
‎太陽從背後升起

553
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:43,960
‎而且完全無法躲開，我試過了

554
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:46,680
‎我盡力避免眼神交會，加快腳步跑掉

555
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:47,720
‎我哪會跑步啊

556
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,640
‎我用合理步伐走遠，牠們卻追上來

557
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:53,440
‎“妳要去哪？我可以這樣在路上拉喔”

558
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:55,920
‎他媽的

559
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,800
‎拉屎狗

560
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:07,400
‎我最近收到很多東西，有些是禮物

561
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:10,040
‎收到都很開心，大家對我非常好

562
00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:11,520
‎我真的很感激

563
00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:12,480
‎不過…

564
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:13,600
‎謝謝

565
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:15,480
‎我不得不說

566
00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:19,800
‎我大多數收到的都是公司產品

567
00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:22,920
‎他們會送給我，希望我幫忙宣傳

568
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,720
‎弄個開箱文，知道開箱是什麼嗎？

569
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:28,800
‎就是公司會把產品

570
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:30,120
‎送給網紅

571
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:33,760
‎網紅就會架四萬盞燈

572
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:37,600
‎把孩子鎖進廁所兩個小時

573
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:42,240
‎然後自拍拆禮物的影片

574
00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:44,960
‎我示範一下：“天啊，我跟你們說

575
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:51,440
‎我剛收到這箱超棒禮物

576
00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,400
‎是普拉達送的

577
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:58,360
‎實際要價好幾百萬元

578
00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:03,800
‎我想說跟你們分享一定很棒

579
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:05,600
‎因為你們永遠都無法擁有

580
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:07,720
‎因為你們又窮又醜

581
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,360
‎記得按讚、訂閱喔”

582
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:15,520
‎開箱

583
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:17,920
‎我在兩個月內

584
00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:22,040
‎收到了八根按摩棒

585
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:32,240
‎收到這種數量的塑膠屌也太多了

586
00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:33,800
‎聽著，我懂

587
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:37,880
‎我知道我有一團會互動的粉絲跟觀眾

588
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,840
‎公司夠聰明的話

589
00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:43,160
‎自然會送我產品，希望我推銷

590
00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:44,440
‎給你們這些超讚粉絲

591
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:46,680
‎不過送我八根老二？

592
00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:53,280
‎他們好像有點錯看我了

593
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:56,400
‎公司有人不太盡責喔

594
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:58,520
‎我絕對不是最熱衷性事的人

595
00:33:58,600 --> 00:33:59,880
‎我做愛都是在勉強

596
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:05,320
‎不

597
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,720
‎不過姊妹們聽著，我這麼說吧

598
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:11,560
‎我確實相信我們體內

599
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,160
‎有著一位性愛女神

600
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:15,840
‎或怎麼稱呼都行

601
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:19,400
‎但我不是主要客群
‎因為社會就是這麼告訴我們的

602
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,240
‎行銷就是這樣灌輸我們

603
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:24,080
‎按摩棒廣告上的人

604
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,560
‎通常都超年輕，完全無毛

605
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:28,320
‎眉毛卻很濃密

606
00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:30,840
‎我不是…

607
00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:33,080
‎並不是…

608
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:36,240
‎我不是那樣的人

609
00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:41,360
‎那跟我不一樣，那個類型很特定

610
00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:43,400
‎我們永遠不會看到教師

611
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,040
‎我說的是真正的數學老師

612
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:48,360
‎登上按摩棒廣告

613
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:51,560
‎你們都在想自己的數學老師嗎？

614
00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:54,880
‎確實是該想

615
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,760
‎能想像在按摩棒廣告看到教師嗎？

616
00:34:58,280 --> 00:34:59,280
‎像這樣

617
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:02,320
‎“今天上課不順嗎？

618
00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:11,800
‎代數讓你疲憊不堪嗎？

619
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:18,160
‎不想再在小吃部後面自己來了嗎？

620
00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:23,880
‎那就試試看大野兔10000型吧”

621
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,480
‎絕對大賣特賣

622
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:32,200
‎送這些按摩棒的公司五花八門

623
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:34,200
‎有一根是葛妮絲派特洛送的

624
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:40,360
‎“真的太舒服了，我告訴你們

625
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:44,600
‎這是用有機鴨油製作

626
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,920
‎加上純天然塑膠

627
00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,280
‎對海洋十分有益

628
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:57,640
‎其中一大特色，就是在你插進去時

629
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:00,720
‎它會在你體內分解

630
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:04,800
‎在你高潮後

631
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:06,880
‎會有蝴蝶飛出來

632
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:18,840
‎牠們會變成鈔票，飛回去找葛妮絲”

633
00:36:21,720 --> 00:36:24,600
‎有根按摩棒是男性公司送我的

634
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:28,240
‎送來時沒先充電，而且我還得付郵資

635
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:31,360
‎這一根

636
00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:34,480
‎只有三種設定

637
00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:37,360
‎全都聽起來像某種車

638
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:41,880
‎第一種聽起來像是發不動的車

639
00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:49,200
‎第二種聽起來像F1賽車

640
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:50,480
‎他媽的

641
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:55,920
‎第三種聽起來像是曳引機鴨子

642
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:58,440
‎呱…

643
00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:02,520
‎還附贈了一本超厚說明書

644
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:05,200
‎跟《達文西密碼》一樣厚

645
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:07,360
‎這根玩意是能有多少種用法？

646
00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:10,240
‎我想說只要插入體內，然後一瞬間

647
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:11,920
‎藍尼克羅維茲就會出現

648
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:16,680
‎我愛藍尼克羅維茲

649
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:20,840
‎超愛藍尼克羅維茲

650
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:24,800
‎他是我的手淫庫終身會員

651
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:30,160
‎你們也知道手淫庫是什麼

652
00:37:30,240 --> 00:37:32,120
‎就是手淫時會想的東西

653
00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:34,400
‎然後就存進記憶庫裡

654
00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:45,040
‎抱歉，我還…

655
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,520
‎我還收到莉莉艾倫送的按摩棒

656
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:52,160
‎不過莉莉有點不一樣

657
00:37:52,240 --> 00:37:55,440
‎因為它上面有個吸盤

658
00:37:59,720 --> 00:38:02,840
‎我看起來好像走紅毯的
‎寇特妮卡戴珊和崔維斯巴可

659
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:06,760
‎“夠了”

660
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:09,000
‎不過我很期待使用莉莉

661
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:13,760
‎因為我想說會跟
‎我平常用的無趣趕牛棒不一樣

662
00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:16,200
‎說不定後勁很強，這也不無可能

663
00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:18,320
‎可能會有蠟燭自動亮起來

664
00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:20,520
‎開始播放輕柔音樂

665
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:24,120
‎《柏捷頓家族》的大帥哥
‎說不定會跑來輕敲我的窗戶

666
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:27,600
‎是第一季演的吧？

667
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:31,720
‎第二季到底出了什麼問題？

668
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:35,840
‎我看第二季的時候都在想

669
00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:39,320
‎“不對，他們為什麼說個不停

670
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:40,800
‎而且還穿著衣服？

671
00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:42,600
‎不要啦，快回到第一季”

672
00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:47,240
‎《柏捷頓家族》第一季
‎下載數達到上百萬

673
00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:48,320
‎有一半是我貢獻的

674
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:54,720
‎某天我有一點獨處時間
‎先生帶孩子出門一個小時

675
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,960
‎或是一年，我不知道他們去了多久

676
00:38:58,040 --> 00:38:59,040
‎我心想

677
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:00,840
‎“來吧，莉莉

678
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:04,000
‎你好嗎？”

679
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:07,480
‎我把莉莉塞進下面

680
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:09,440
‎我的天啊

681
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:11,920
‎我立刻夾緊這玩意

682
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:14,840
‎我夾緊這玩意

683
00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:17,320
‎就像卡戴珊夾緊削瘦的白渣男

684
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:18,960
‎“給我過來”

685
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:25,360
‎瞬間就激烈起來了

686
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:29,760
‎沒有蠟燭，沒有輕柔音樂

687
00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:32,720
‎沒有半個《柏捷頓家族》演員出現

688
00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:35,680
‎莉莉有牙齒

689
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:40,680
‎差點把我的陰蒂咬掉

690
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:44,920
‎一點都不慢

691
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:49,080
‎我反而是同時起了不少反應

692
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:51,840
‎歇斯底里大笑

693
00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:53,080
‎小小啜泣了一下

694
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:54,000
‎還放屁…

695
00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:08,720
‎瘋狂高潮

696
00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:14,120
‎但我又莫名其妙自己跑去廚房

697
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,600
‎做著孩子的午餐，此時還雙腿麻木

698
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:18,280
‎“莉莉

699
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:20,760
‎他媽的莉莉

700
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:23,000
‎莉莉

701
00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:30,640
‎莉莉”

702
00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:41,920
‎我之前在某次表演說了這個笑話

703
00:40:43,720 --> 00:40:48,120
‎有個女人猛地站起來，大聲叫喊

704
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:49,720
‎“把連結傳給我！”

705
00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:03,280
‎然後坐回丈夫身邊
‎說：“你他媽少給我…

706
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:07,520
‎你每年聖誕節都送我香水

707
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:09,480
‎今年我要自己挑禮物”

708
00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:14,640
‎“把連結傳給我”

709
00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:16,840
‎我發現

710
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:19,040
‎我還挺政治化的

711
00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:21,880
‎我本來並不知道

712
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:24,440
‎結果發現我其實意見很多

713
00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:26,880
‎而且連半點佐證都沒有

714
00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:28,960
‎完全沒有

715
00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:32,200
‎但網路讓我們認為

716
00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:35,160
‎我們應該想說什麼就說什麼

717
00:41:35,240 --> 00:41:38,000
‎無論時間，無論說法

718
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:41,400
‎而且全世界的人都洗耳恭聽

719
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:47,080
‎網路讓我們相信我們有頭腦

720
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:50,400
‎有才華，有技能

721
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:52,120
‎但實際上並沒有

722
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:58,880
‎我這輩子遇到自稱企業家的人

723
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:01,160
‎從來沒有這幾個月那麼多

724
00:42:01,240 --> 00:42:02,200
‎我的天啊

725
00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:04,080
‎現在沒人只是普通醫生

726
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:08,200
‎或是工程師…無聊

727
00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:12,680
‎每個人都是企業家
‎而且還很愛大肆宣傳

728
00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:15,760
‎“大家好，我是企業家

729
00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:17,120
‎對，我是企業家

730
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:19,040
‎當企業家的意思就是

731
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:23,280
‎我協助多媒體平台創作內容

732
00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:28,760
‎專注於各種品牌連結的草根層面

733
00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:34,320
‎確保我們專注於
‎‘連結’、‘草根’這些時髦術語

734
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:35,960
‎我是企業家”

735
00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:39,920
‎我說：“好喔

736
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:41,520
‎聽起來很忙

737
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,800
‎你一週的工作日是怎麼進行的？”

738
00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:49,280
‎“謝謝，身為企業家

739
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:55,240
‎我每隔週禮拜三會去市場賣毛帽

740
00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:58,560
‎時間是11點16分到11點24分

741
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:02,760
‎我的合夥人也是企業家，他收集蝴蝶

742
00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:06,400
‎他爸媽剛幫我們買了

743
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:10,400
‎第二間崖頂別墅
‎跟克里斯漢斯沃當鄰居

744
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:12,040
‎我們的生意有聲有色”

745
00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:18,800
‎“抱歉，你並不是企業家

746
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:20,360
‎你只是個賤婊”

747
00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:28,400
‎而且他們每次都叫一些超怪名字

748
00:43:28,480 --> 00:43:29,800
‎但在以前並不是

749
00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:33,240
‎1999年時，他們叫做特洛伊和艾莉莎

750
00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:37,560
‎現在大家都知道
‎他們叫做拉闊斯和絲貝邱拉

751
00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:44,200
‎這個世界瘋了

752
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:45,640
‎超有毛病

753
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:47,760
‎知道誰會拯救我們嗎？

754
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:49,640
‎蕾哈娜

755
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:53,560
‎沒錯，我絕對不是胡扯

756
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:56,480
‎蕾哈娜會拯救我們，她是萬物女王

757
00:43:56,560 --> 00:44:00,560
‎她最注重包容性、身體自愛

758
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:03,000
‎她販賣的所有商品

759
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:04,280
‎都有同樣的功能

760
00:44:04,360 --> 00:44:09,000
‎她總是以行動證明自己的話，對吧？

761
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:12,160
‎她有個內衣品牌叫做Savage X Fenty

762
00:44:12,240 --> 00:44:17,040
‎適合多種體型的人穿

763
00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:19,200
‎因為她的緣故

764
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:22,080
‎其他內衣公司也開始跟上

765
00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:24,600
‎就連維多利亞的秘密

766
00:44:24,680 --> 00:44:28,480
‎也終於開始擴大尺寸範圍

767
00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:30,000
‎這很值得讚許

768
00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:33,960
‎不過我還是對維多利亞的秘密說兩句

769
00:44:34,720 --> 00:44:36,640
‎他們可以再努力一點

770
00:44:36,720 --> 00:44:42,240
‎因為他們已經在幾十年來
‎不遺餘力讓我們痛恨自己

771
00:44:42,840 --> 00:44:44,320
‎所以他們可以…

772
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:45,320
‎對

773
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:50,520
‎不過我們現在有蕾哈娜了

774
00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:52,040
‎所有問題都解決了

775
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:55,600
‎她的Savage X Fenty超性感

776
00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:59,840
‎非常性感，就連品名都很性感

777
00:44:59,920 --> 00:45:01,800
‎有個產品叫做

778
00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:04,680
‎“絲滑四分之一罩杯”

779
00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:08,280
‎不再是“掛肩奶罩”了

780
00:45:09,880 --> 00:45:14,080
‎另一個產品叫做“小騷貨露背裙”

781
00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:16,080
‎超性感的

782
00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:18,200
‎還有一個叫做

783
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:21,680
‎“打摺網布開襠緊身衣”

784
00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:25,120
‎超火辣

785
00:45:26,440 --> 00:45:29,480
‎我上她的網站買東西

786
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:34,280
‎發現她唯一沒賣的

787
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:38,640
‎就是經期最後一天無味寬鬆內褲

788
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:41,040
‎知道這個嗎？

789
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:43,120
‎你們一定知道

790
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:47,080
‎能撐住妳的生菜葉
‎還會吸收妳的子宮汁？

791
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:59,440
‎後面有個先生直接傻眼

792
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:07,280
‎這讓我好開心

793
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:10,840
‎先生，你是哪邊受不了？

794
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,360
‎是生菜葉？還是子宮汁？

795
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:19,000
‎真棒

796
00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:22,920
‎你們有看過Savage X Fenty走秀嗎？

797
00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:25,720
‎爽啦，超辣的

798
00:46:26,240 --> 00:46:28,080
‎存進你的手淫庫裡，免費贈送

799
00:46:29,640 --> 00:46:32,760
‎伸展台的有各式各樣的人

800
00:46:32,840 --> 00:46:35,800
‎台上有各種不同體型

801
00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:37,160
‎好多形狀

802
00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:39,040
‎大、小、黑、白

803
00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:41,720
‎有些是一大塊，有些是一小塊

804
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:43,800
‎但她們的身段都超柔軟

805
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:48,800
‎那些走秀的人
‎可以同時性感猛蹲、舔自己的背

806
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:51,520
‎又隨時保持堅定的性感眼神

807
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:58,440
‎那些女王的柔軟度超好
‎能同時踢腿、抖臀、餵母乳

808
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:02,880
‎她們全都肉欲橫流，我喜歡

809
00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:06,720
‎我很想看看那些產品

810
00:47:06,800 --> 00:47:10,240
‎穿在從12歲開始
‎就有著中年女子身材的人身上

811
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:16,080
‎這個人不會每次看到饒舌歌手
‎就把雙腿打開

812
00:47:16,160 --> 00:47:21,160
‎而是會幫你這濕透騷貨拿水桶和拖把

813
00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:25,560
‎我很想看看

814
00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:31,760
‎網布開襠緊身衣
‎穿在叫做派翠莎的人身上會是什麼樣

815
00:47:35,040 --> 00:47:36,600
‎大家都認識叫做派翠莎的人

816
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:38,720
‎她很務實

817
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:40,520
‎她很忙

818
00:47:42,080 --> 00:47:43,320
‎她很累

819
00:47:45,840 --> 00:47:47,640
‎派翠莎想性感的時候也能性感

820
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:51,560
‎但如果老公一個月想做愛多於兩次

821
00:47:51,640 --> 00:47:52,720
‎她就會報警

822
00:47:54,840 --> 00:47:57,280
‎你們能想像派翠莎也在後台

823
00:47:57,360 --> 00:47:58,680
‎準備走秀嗎？

824
00:47:58,760 --> 00:48:01,000
‎辛蒂克勞馥也在那

825
00:48:01,080 --> 00:48:05,840
‎表現著她的本色，超美

826
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:08,040
‎麗珠也在後台

827
00:48:08,120 --> 00:48:10,880
‎麗珠在那邊吼著：“爽啦

828
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:13,960
‎賤人”

829
00:48:16,040 --> 00:48:19,320
‎然後工作人員說
‎“派翠莎，換妳了，準備好了嗎？”

830
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,160
‎派翠莎說：“好了

831
00:48:23,040 --> 00:48:25,440
‎我等40分鐘了，停車有夠麻煩

832
00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:29,320
‎可以快點嗎？
‎我20分鐘後還要去學校接人”

833
00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:32,120
‎然後派翠莎就出來

834
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:35,120
‎談遍每個產品的優缺點

835
00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:37,920
‎“我是派翠莎，我不想浪費大家時間

836
00:48:38,000 --> 00:48:41,800
‎只是要談談我穿的這條皮丁字褲

837
00:48:42,680 --> 00:48:46,160
‎不建議吃完辣咖哩後穿

838
00:48:49,600 --> 00:48:53,640
‎因為大家也知道，不管擦幾次

839
00:48:53,720 --> 00:48:55,160
‎有時就是會有東西卡住

840
00:48:57,400 --> 00:49:00,720
‎至於顏色有紅、黑

841
00:49:00,800 --> 00:49:03,240
‎限定期間還有暗紅色

842
00:49:03,320 --> 00:49:06,000
‎好，現在來介紹乳頭流蘇

843
00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:08,480
‎奉勸那些和我一樣

844
00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:10,960
‎乳頭大得像餐盤一樣的女王

845
00:49:12,800 --> 00:49:13,840
‎千萬別用

846
00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:17,720
‎耐心等一個月後推出的絲質乳貼

847
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:18,960
‎最後

848
00:49:19,040 --> 00:49:22,680
‎我要介紹我穿的這條低腰蕾絲內褲

849
00:49:22,760 --> 00:49:25,360
‎線上有很多人在關注

850
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:29,960
‎妳們都想知道
‎有小腹的人該不該買這個產品

851
00:49:31,160 --> 00:49:32,080
‎好嗎？

852
00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:34,280
‎我們認為

853
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:36,120
‎當然該買

854
00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:38,640
‎我們最愛小腹

855
00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:42,200
‎我們不希望妳逃避這個小腹

856
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:44,320
‎反而應該要用力靠著

857
00:49:44,400 --> 00:49:47,640
‎明確選一邊，要嘛就塞進去

858
00:49:48,480 --> 00:49:50,480
‎不然就讓它垂著”

859
00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:06,880
‎我想確保每台攝影機都能拍到

860
00:50:09,480 --> 00:50:12,120
‎所有的攝影師都在說
‎“夠了，我們都拍到了”

861
00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:20,160
‎我的第一齣Netflix節目剛殺青

862
00:50:20,240 --> 00:50:21,240
‎謝謝

863
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:24,560
‎謝謝你們，節目很棒

864
00:50:26,240 --> 00:50:29,320
‎我在節目裡必須拍人生第一場床戲

865
00:50:31,120 --> 00:50:34,240
‎我必須高潮，在現場高潮

866
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:38,760
‎以至於那一景的第一句台詞是我說

867
00:50:38,840 --> 00:50:40,520
‎“靠，我要去了”

868
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:43,960
‎抱歉，女士們

869
00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:45,400
‎那是高潮的意思

870
00:50:49,760 --> 00:50:53,000
‎所有的男士都表示
‎“她說得沒錯，就是那個意思”

871
00:50:57,320 --> 00:51:00,040
‎我跟先生提到這件事

872
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:03,160
‎我說：“我得拍床戲”

873
00:51:03,240 --> 00:51:04,280
‎“妳感覺怎麼樣？”

874
00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:05,560
‎“還好

875
00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:08,280
‎我有點緊張，因為我必須高潮

876
00:51:08,360 --> 00:51:09,840
‎我必須在戲裡高潮”

877
00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:10,760
‎然後他就…

878
00:51:13,440 --> 00:51:14,440
‎“天啊

879
00:51:16,840 --> 00:51:18,480
‎妳要擺出什麼表情？”

880
00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:28,520
‎我說：“我也不知道
‎我一年擺出兩次的表情？閉嘴啦”

881
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:34,760
‎我到了片場，遇到搭擋演員

882
00:51:34,840 --> 00:51:37,440
‎他人很好，我們先把那場戲順一遍

883
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:41,240
‎他對我說
‎“有什麼希望我別做的事嗎？”

884
00:51:41,320 --> 00:51:43,680
‎我說：“沒關係…其實有

885
00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:48,040
‎可以不要玩我的雙下巴調情嗎？

886
00:51:48,120 --> 00:51:49,320
‎可以嗎？”

887
00:51:51,320 --> 00:51:53,480
‎他完全沒意見，所以就沒問題了

888
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:58,280
‎這一行有種角色叫做“親密教練”

889
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:01,240
‎或叫“親密協調員”，他們棒呆了

890
00:52:01,320 --> 00:52:04,680
‎他們的任務就是保護我們不被性侵害

891
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:06,720
‎這項責任重大

892
00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:08,280
‎他們要負責確保

893
00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:10,760
‎我們的生菜葉都有好好打包

894
00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:14,400
‎每個人都知道哪邊該摸，哪邊不該摸

895
00:52:14,480 --> 00:52:16,400
‎以及能摸多用力

896
00:52:16,480 --> 00:52:18,560
‎我們的親密協調員非常棒

897
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:20,640
‎她以前是當職業舞者

898
00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:23,040
‎曾巡演《芝加哥》歌舞劇

899
00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:25,480
‎所以她能給我們不少精闢祕訣

900
00:52:25,560 --> 00:52:29,720
‎拍攝時，我必須採女上位，我…

901
00:52:29,800 --> 00:52:33,480
‎女士們，我再說一次，也有這種選項

902
00:52:38,160 --> 00:52:39,000
‎“女上位？”

903
00:52:39,560 --> 00:52:41,160
‎因為我通常都直接爬上床

904
00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:44,680
‎躺在那邊，除了等待以外沒什麼好做

905
00:52:59,680 --> 00:53:00,800
‎這次可不一樣

906
00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:02,720
‎我必須採女上位

907
00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:06,120
‎這是怎樣？異國情調法國影片嗎？

908
00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:10,800
‎所以

909
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:13,520
‎我坐在他上面

910
00:53:14,880 --> 00:53:17,080
‎轉身望著親密教練，我說

911
00:53:17,800 --> 00:53:19,560
‎“可以麻煩妳過來一下嗎？”

912
00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:21,920
‎她走了過來，我說

913
00:53:23,360 --> 00:53:25,160
‎“我該做什麼表情？”

914
00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:28,840
‎因為我是演員，我會演戲

915
00:53:28,920 --> 00:53:30,360
‎我知道高潮怎麼演

916
00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:38,560
‎不過這可是電視節目

917
00:53:38,640 --> 00:53:41,000
‎我不知道該怎麼辦
‎她給了我超棒祕訣

918
00:53:41,080 --> 00:53:44,240
‎她說：“知道用棉花棒
‎掏耳朵的表情嗎？

919
00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:45,680
‎就像那樣

920
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:53,600
‎女士們，這招學起來

921
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:59,600
‎學起來

922
00:54:01,120 --> 00:54:03,480
‎這是我要送妳們的禮物

923
00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:09,320
‎妳們今晚回到家

924
00:54:10,320 --> 00:54:13,440
‎伴侶說：“妳想做一下嗎？”

925
00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:15,160
‎“好，我先拿棉花棒”

926
00:54:17,160 --> 00:54:19,480
‎妳們之後會傳一堆這種照片給我

927
00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:25,120
‎棉花棒，天才

928
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:28,960
‎所以我搞定了表情，蓄勢待發

929
00:54:30,440 --> 00:54:33,680
‎我們在現場，必須先彩排，對吧？

930
00:54:33,760 --> 00:54:35,240
‎所以我們就…

931
00:54:36,200 --> 00:54:38,880
‎閉嘴啦，我們在練習

932
00:54:40,720 --> 00:54:42,680
‎按表操課

933
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:46,040
‎她走過來，跟我討論臀部的動作

934
00:54:46,560 --> 00:54:50,000
‎“妳目前往前頂的動作很多

935
00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:54,640
‎要不要試試看往後抖？

936
00:54:55,880 --> 00:54:57,080
‎像這樣往後抖”

937
00:54:58,080 --> 00:54:59,080
‎我說

938
00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:01,720
‎“誰會那樣做愛啊？”

939
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:06,520
‎不對吧

940
00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:10,680
‎她說

941
00:55:11,680 --> 00:55:12,800
‎“能高潮的人”

942
00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:25,200
‎能高潮的所有人

943
00:55:26,800 --> 00:55:28,480
‎他媽的高潮人

944
00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:33,600
‎天啊

945
00:55:34,640 --> 00:55:38,880
‎我們完成了彩排，準備要開始拍攝

946
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:41,560
‎導演喊“開麥拉”的時候

947
00:55:42,160 --> 00:55:46,520
‎她竟然還下“五六七八”的進拍指示

948
00:55:46,600 --> 00:55:50,240
‎我想：“好喔，妳不是鬧著玩的

949
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:51,480
‎那就來玩真的吧”

950
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:58,680
‎我們就開始做了，我也非常有自信

951
00:55:58,760 --> 00:56:01,400
‎髮妝齊備，燈光美氣氛佳

952
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:04,600
‎現場已清場，也就是說幾乎沒人

953
00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:06,680
‎我們繼續做

954
00:56:06,760 --> 00:56:08,960
‎搭檔往上看著我

955
00:56:09,040 --> 00:56:11,920
‎他說：“妳做得很棒，寶貝”
‎我說：“謝謝”

956
00:56:12,000 --> 00:56:14,360
‎我們不停地做，各種攝影角度

957
00:56:14,440 --> 00:56:16,200
‎然後導演喊卡了

958
00:56:16,280 --> 00:56:18,640
‎我們大聲歡呼

959
00:56:18,720 --> 00:56:22,080
‎因為我其實非常緊張

960
00:56:22,160 --> 00:56:24,440
‎我們常聽到相關的恐怖故事

961
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:28,200
‎但我不得不說
‎那對我來說是非常正面的經驗

962
00:56:28,280 --> 00:56:30,920
‎我受到完備照顧，非常安全

963
00:56:31,000 --> 00:56:34,040
‎最後還感到有點解放

964
00:56:34,120 --> 00:56:37,160
‎我是該節目的執行製作之一

965
00:56:37,240 --> 00:56:41,440
‎我問他們能不能把那段剪輯傳給我

966
00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:44,920
‎他們那晚後就寄過來了

967
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:47,880
‎我回到家，設備準備好

968
00:56:47,960 --> 00:56:50,840
‎為自己斟了一小杯酒

969
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:53,240
‎開始看影片

970
00:56:54,480 --> 00:56:55,800
‎天啊

971
00:56:58,120 --> 00:57:00,120
‎我搞不懂到底發生了什麼事

972
00:57:00,960 --> 00:57:06,160
‎我以為我演得像
‎黛咪摩爾的《脱衣舞娘》

973
00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:10,280
‎並不是，我看起來像猛幹網球的㹴犬

974
00:57:22,040 --> 00:57:26,760
‎我先生完全有資格擔心
‎我會擺出什麼表情

975
00:57:27,400 --> 00:57:31,760
‎唯一能傳神形容我所擺出的表情

976
00:57:32,360 --> 00:57:34,600
‎就是說我像支消音機關槍

977
00:57:55,120 --> 00:57:58,040
‎所以你們一定要留心注意

978
00:57:58,120 --> 00:58:00,640
‎我的Netflix新節目，知道嗎？

979
00:58:02,800 --> 00:58:05,680
‎謝謝大家光臨，雪梨！

980
00:58:27,600 --> 00:58:28,720
‎準備好了嗎？

981
00:58:28,800 --> 00:58:29,680
‎開始

982
00:58:53,240 --> 00:58:54,080
‎謝謝

983
00:58:57,040 --> 00:58:58,040
‎再見

984
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:35,120
‎字幕翻譯：韓仁耀