Downloaded from YTS.MX
EMCEE:Please welcome
one of the greatest comedians in this country,
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Dave Hughes!
(LIVELY MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)
Thank you! I am super pumped up.
How are we feeling tonight, everyone?
- (AUDIENCE CHEERS) - It is great to have you here.
We are back, baby! Are we back?
AUDIENCE:Yeah! - Yes. COVID no longer.
No.
Even on the news the other night,
they said there's new variants you need to look out for. No!
No! It's like Nokia bringing out new phones.
It's fucking over!
(LAUGHTER)
We've moved on. You lost!
No, it is great to be here though,
and I know we still take it seriously.
There's a, yes, there's a, yeah,
a lot of people are here who don't have masks on,
so you don't give a fuck, obviously.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE MEMBER:Woo!
Fair enough. Yeah, woooo!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS:Woo! - Woo!
Some people with masks on, I appreciate that. Good on you.
Yes, good on them as well, absolutely.
But if you wear a mask,
you don't have to wear it all the time, I don't reckon.
You can relax occasionally.
Saw a guy in his car the other day on his own.
(LAUGHTER)
Come on, mate. You're on your own. Unmask!
You're gonna get COVID off the fuckin' radio, are ya?
(LAUGHTER)
I know, it's tough.
I mean, we all had to wear masks for a long time.
And it was stressful, wasn't it,
when they'd slip under your nostrils...
And someone would look at you
like you had your testicles out.
(LAUGHTER)
But if you are wearing a mask,
just... just... just... just be consistent
with your personal safety.
I saw a guy on Beach Road on an electric scooter.
I reckon he was doing 90k an hour, looking at his phone,
no helmet on, but he was wearing a mask.
(LAUGHTER)
"When that truck hits you,
"you're not getting COVID, are ya, mate?"
(LAUGHTER)
But no, we still care.
We don't care as much as we used to.
Do you know how many, ah, cases there were today?
No, you don't give a fuck, do ya?
It's probably thousands. No-one gives a shit.
Remember back when it was every day, every day?
"What time's the press conference on?"
(LAUGHTER)
"What time's Dan speaking?"
"It's not till 11am. Fuck, what does that mean?"
- (LAUGHTER) - "Is everyone dead?"
(LAUGHTER)
And then, when the press conferences were on,
we would gather around the TV.
"What's the number?"
Like we were waiting for the final number
to win Powerball.
"It's a two! It's a two!
"Two people have got the 'rona.
"Where are they? What suburb?
"Fuckin' bomb that suburb!
"Build a wall. They're all dead!"
"We've gotta live!
"Life is for the living!"
It's unbelievable.
And then I remember when...
And then Dan... One day Dan Andrews said,
"And two people have died," and we go, "Ohhh."
Then he said, "They were both in their hundreds."
- (LAUGHTER) - No, it's a tragedy!
Two 107-year-olds are dead!
The 'rona's taken the best years of their life!
They could've been staring at a wall 'til next Tuesday!
(LAUGHTER)
And now they're dead!
And no-one can go to their funeral.
Oh, no!
Luckily, their friends died 30 fuckin' years ago.
(LAUGHTER)
What about their children? Even they died of old age!
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, it was full on.
It was full on.
It was a crazy coupla years we lived through, people.
It was crazy. What about you now?
If it had been a little while ago, you'd be going,
"What's the time? We've gotta get home!
"What about the curfew?"
(LAUGHTER)
We forget real quick.
We couldn't leave the house after nine o'clock at night.
That was it, you had to be home.
I remember one night, my wife said to me,
"You put the bins out?" I said, "No, I haven't."
She said, "It's quarter-past nine."
I was like, "I fuckin' can't do it now!"
(LAUGHTER)
"I can't go out there now!"
(LAUGHTER)
"If I go out there now, I'm gonna get pepper sprayed.
"I'll just throw 'em over the fence."
(LAUGHTER)
And there was...
There was one... There was one night where the kids said...
Well, I didn't have sandwiches ready for the next morning
and I said, "Well, it's after nine.
"I can't get a loaf of bread."
The kids are going, "What about our sandwiches, Dad?"
"There's nothing I can do!"
From our front yard you can see the light of the 7-Eleven.
They said, "Dad, it's open! You can go."
I said, "I can't. It's a trap, I tell ya!"
(LAUGHTER)
"If I scurry in there, bloody Dan Andrews'll be in there...
"..sucking on a Slurpee going, 'I'm fuckin' waiting for you.'"
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"I was waiting for you."
Gosh, is Dan Andrews here?
If you are here, Dan, come up and slap me, I don't mind.
Remember when Chris Rock
got slapped by Will Smith at the...?
Chris Rock sold out his world tour the next day.
Dan can come up and kick me in the dick, if he wants to.
(LAUGHTER)
I've already had a vasectomy. That's useless to me!
(LAUGHTER)
AUDIENCE MEMBER:Woo! - Thank you. Woo! Woo!
No, I am pumped up. I am pumped up.
And you are a great crowd but I've...
It's... Has everyone already had,
has everyone had COVID here?
Anyone here who hasn't had COVID?
AUDIENCE MEMBERS:Woo!
Well, tonight's the night!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AUDIENCE MEMBER:Woo!
It could be tonight!
AUDIENCE MEMBER:Bring it on! - "Bring it on," he says!
But if it is tonight,
on behalf of everyone else in the room,
if you find out you've got COVID tomorrow,
everyone else in this room needs you to shut the fuck up!
(LAUGHTER)
No-one gives a shit anymore!
I remember when I got COVID... I mean, I got it.
It took me a long time to get it,
but I had gigs I had to cancel.
So I put the bloody... I put my RAT on Instagram,
thinking I might get SOME sympathy.
First comment, "Get a haircut, fuckhead."
(LAUGHTER)
Well, I can't for a week, mate!
So, I was the last in my family to get it.
Everyone else got it before me
and, ah, that was the time if someone got it,
everyone else had to stay home.
And, ah, I remember one day my 11-year-old daughter was -
she was coughing, coughing, coughing.
I had a week of gigs booked, I'm going, "Oh, I'm praying,
"oh, I hope she's taken up smoking."
(LAUGHTER)
I wanted to see a packet of cigarettes in her lunchbox
but no, I didn't, no,
and she showed, "Two lines, Dad."
I said, "Ooh, maybe you're pregnant."
(LAUGHTER)
But no, she wasn't.
She got it and then bloody, then bloody, you know,
the rest of them got it and I didn't get it.
And after a week, my wife said,
"You're not showing me any affection."
"Yeah, 'cause you've got the fuckin' 'rona!"
(LAUGHTER)
"I'm the only one here in the vulnerable age group!"
(LAUGHTER)
And eventually, I got it
and my two lines were glowing so much I thought,
"If this is a pregnancy test, I'm gonna be Octomom."
(LAUGHTER)
My wife did not give a shit!
She said... She actually said to me,
"It'd be ironic if you die now."
(LAUGHTER)
They can play Alanis Morissette at my funeral.
No, we're... We're... No, anyway.
I can say that, 'cause she's not here tonight, ah...
No, she's a great supportive person of my career,
although she's not as... No.
Anyway, my... No, my family don't...
(LAUGHTER)
I did a gig... I did a gig the other night
and when I got home I said,
"Honey, the crowd tonight said I was amazing."
She said, "People are nice, aren't they?"
(LAUGHTER)
The kids don't give a shit.
My son's 13,
I've got an 11-year-old daughter
and a 9-year-old daughter, and they've got no interest,
no interest in their father's career.
My son's completely anti my career.
Like, he actively undermines my confidence.
I swear to God!
The other night he got home, he said,
"Dad, my art teacher doesn't think you're funny."
(LAUGHTER)
Ohhh! I said, "Well, that's a coincidence,
"'cause when I was at school
"my art teacher didn't think I was funny either, mate.
"And now I'm rich and she's dead."
(LAUGHTER)
No, I mean, his art teacher didn't think I was...
whatever, good on her.
No-one at his school apparently knows I'm his father
and he wants to keep it that way.
"You're embarrassing, Dad."
"Yeah, I am and guess what?
"My embarrassment paid for your fuckin' iPad, mate, so..."
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
No, no. Well, it did, basically.
No, no, he's a... He's a good lad, he's a good lad
but, I mean, he brought some friends over the other day
and he said, "Can you stay upstairs, Dad?"
- (LAUGHTER) - "Don't come down!"
I had to stay upstairs,
like I was the mental cousin in the attic.
(LAUGHTER)
I just started making noises. "Aaaargh!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Aaaargh!"
Anyway... No, he's a good lad. He's a good lad.
He also doesn't... Yeah, anyway, whatever.
He thinks his mother's too good for me.
We were walking down the street as a family
and he said to his mother, "You don't have to worry
"about Dad cheating on you, Mum..."
(LAUGHTER)
"..'cause no-one else finds him attractive!"
"Is that right, mate?
"Have you done a survey of everyone, have ya?
"See the way that lollipop lady over there gave me the eye?
"I might go over and pash her right now!"
(LAUGHTER)
No, it is great to be here
and you are the best crowd I've ever had.
(LAUGHTER)
I've never been more pumped up! This is the night of our lives!
- (CHEERING) - And good on you!
Good on you!- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Good on you for finding your way into the CBD!
Who here came on a bicycle?
No-one.
Those bike lanes are real worth the effort, aren't they?
(LAUGHTER)
Who's waiting for Metro Tunnel to be finished?
No, they're not here.
They won't be here for another 30 fuckin' years!
(LAUGHTER)
How long are they digging for?
They stopped digging recently and I said, "Oh, no, wha-..."
They said they've stopped digging
'cause the dirt's contaminated.
Stop testing the dirt!
(LAUGHTER)
Dirt is meant to be dirty, for fuck's sake!
- (LAUGHTER) - That's why it's dirt!
"Yeah, but we've gotta put it somewhere."
Well, don't tell the people you're putting it...
...that it's dirty!
Just dump it in the Yarra. Who gives a fuck?
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway, no, it is... It is great to be here
and I do appreciate you coming along, you know?
Not everything survived the bloody, ah,
the pandemic though, did it? No.
The Docklands Wheel, that's no longer going.
Can you believe that?
I can't believe the bloody lockdown
affected the Docklands at all.
That joint's been in lockdown for 20 years, for fuck's sake.
(LAUGHTER)
If anyone's used to no people being there,
it's the Docklands.
(AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS)
You live in the Docklands? Good on you.
And you're out tonight.
Have you been on the Docklands Wheel?
- (AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS) - You haven't, alright.
(LAUGHTER)
Who else has been on the Docklands Wheel?
Seven of you. Well worth the $700 million.
(LAUGHTER)
Massive Ferris wheel. What a waste of money.
I went on it once 'cause my brother,
my 53-year-old brother, Mick...
- AUDIENCE MEMBER:Go, Mick! - You like Mick?
Well, he's single, if you're into it. Anyway, ah...
(LAUGHTER)
Mick, if you're watching this at home, I've...
I'm gonna get her number for ya!
(LAUGHTER)
He's a 53-year-old cheesemaker,
so, yeah, if you're into Cracker Barrel,
you could have a lifetime supply.
(LAUGHTER)
He is single by the way. Ah, anyway.
Mick came down from our hometown of Warrnambool
on a Tuesday.
He said, "Dave." One clap.
He said, "Dave, I wanna go on the Docklands Wheel."
I said, "Mick, if that's your dream..."
(LAUGHTER)
"..I'm gonna help you make that happen."
He said, "Should we book?"
I said, "I don't think that's gonna be necessary."
(LAUGHTER)
"I reckon we take a chance!"
(LAUGHTER)
And we turned up on a Tuesday and we were OK.
Apparently, for 15 bucks each, we hired the whole thing out.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, it was an exciting ride.
When we got in, they said, "Strap yourself in,
"you're about to be launched."
What the fuck? It's a Ferris wheel.
I kid you not, when we got to the top the voiceover said,
"Behind those buildings over there to the east
"is the world-famous MCG."
Well, we're gonna have to take your word for it, aren't we,
because we should've gone to Eureka, 'cause we...
All we can see from here
is a burglary happening at West Footscray, basically.
(LAUGHTER)
I love you guys, you're the best crowd I've ever had.
It's the night of my life!
Anyone been on a plane recently?
AUDIENCE MEMBER:Yeah! - Yeah, and you made it.
Unbelievable!
What has happened to Qantas?
Honestly, they've shat the bed.
(LAUGHTER)
I can't say that on radio
'cause they sponsor my show but, ah...
(LAUGHTER)
But they have, haven't they?
I mean, they all have.
I don't know, it's COVID, apparently, but full on.
I don't know where the focus is going these days.
They were landing the other day and the pilot said,
"I'd like to acknowledge the spiritual owners of the land."
Fair enough, mate, you gonna pay them any rent?
Wouldn't have thought so.
How about acknowledging
the spiritual owners of the bags that you've lost, alright?
(LAUGHTER)
I don't know if they're looking after customers well enough.
I went there one morning, the Qantas lounge, right,
frequent flyer, and I...
It was nine o'clock. And I don't drink, by the way.
I look like I do, but I don't.
I haven't had a drink for almost 30 years, yeah?
Whatever. It's not an AA meeting.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - But I haven't.
But almost every single day
someone will accuse me of having a hangover
and it's annoying.
I was at the Qantas lounge, 9am.
Woman behind the counter said,
"You must've had a rough night?"
- (LAUGHTER) - I'd had nine hours sleep!
(LAUGHTER)
I said, "Nup, but I'm having a rough mornin'."
She said, "Why?"
I said, "I just met a fuckwit, to be honest."
(LAUGHTER)
She said, "When?" I said, "Just here."
(LAUGHTER)
She's looking round.
(LAUGHTER)
Just the two of us there. Mmmm, do the maths.
Look into my glassy eyes,
you'll see reflected back a fuckwit!
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway. So, anyway, I'm an interesting individual.
I don't d-... I've given a lot of things up, guys.
I've become a vegan. Any other vegans in the room?
(SPARSE CHEERING)
Fuckin' thanks for the support.
(LAUGHTER)
Is there one, halfway back, yeah?
Good on you. It's not... Two! Two vegans together.
Well done, you found each other and we appreciate that.
(LAUGHTER)
It's a lonely existence, being a vegan.
Christmas is not... It's not good.
We had a pre-Christmas dinner at my mother-in-law's house.
There's a number of people there,
some of them I didn't know.
She announced to everyone, "All the food's vegan tonight."
You should've seen the look of sadness in their eyes.
Then she said, "'Cause of him."
(LAUGHTER)
My own son said, "Dad, why do you even have to be here?"
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway, I was on a plane the other day
and they had muesli
and that had cow's milk with it,
and I said to the flight attendant,
"Can I get some soy milk?"
And they said, "We don't have soy milk."
I said, "Ohhh."
Then the flight attendant came back
and said, ah, "You can eat it dry.
"I do that sometimes."
I said, "Fuck, thanks, Bear Grylls."
(LAUGHTER)
"Could I urinate on it as well, maybe?"
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway, no, it is great to be here
and I've never been more pumped up.
You're the best crowd I've ever had.
(LAUGHTER)
And I love doing stand-up comedy.
Yeah, I love it! Yes, I do.- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Did a show in the Comedy Festival this year.
Some people weren't aware of it, apparently.
I was out the front of my venue one day
and a bloke walked past and said,
"Oh, Hughesy. I love you. What are you up to?"
(LAUGHTER)
I said, "The Comedy Festival's on."
He said, "Oh, who you going to see?"
(LAUGHTER)
"I'm going to see Hughesy, yeah?"
"Oh, does he still...?" "Yes, he fuckin' does!"
He does it and he loves it.
Absolutely love it, I do.
I'm bloody pumped up and I love comedy.
I bloody love it, guys.
I love it more than anything. This is my joy.
Get to leave the house and have a good time.
Have a good time with people, yeah?
And you can get a photo with me afterwards, if you like.
-(AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP) - Just get a photo.
I'm into it. I'm right into it. I'm right into photos.
But don't do what this bloke did recently.
He said, "Can I have a photo?" I said, "Sure."
I went to put my arm around him.
He said, "No, just on your own."
(LAUGHTER)
Well, that's weird.
You could get one of those off the internet, if you wanted to.
(LAUGHTER)
And he said, "Can you look angry?"
I said, "I fuckin' am angry!"
(LAUGHTER)
He said, "Can you put your finger up to the camera?"
"What?"
He said, "Give the camera the bird."
So I said, "OK."
He said, "Look really angry." I said, "OK. Urgh."
I said, "Why am I doing this?"
He said, "I'm gonna send it to my mate. He hates you."
(LAUGHTER)
It was unnecessary. Stop hating people.
Some people don't like me
'cause during the lockdown I was on the internet
and I was just expressing my opinions.
I thought some of the politicians were going too far.
I'm not gonna lie.
I thought they were going too far.
I thought they enjoyed the press conferences too much.
I thought Dan Andrews in Victoria
was really going for it.
Most locked down bloody city in the world.
It was a bit much.
Remember when after two years of being locked down
we all got triple or quadruple vaccinated,
'cause you just never know when enough's enough, do ya?
I got vaccinated once when I went for a jog.
(LAUGHTER)
I was jogging in St Kilda
and some bloke out the front of a caravan said,
"Do you want your booster?"
(LAUGHTER)
I said, "I'm going for a jog."
He said, "I've got one more to give away before I can go home.
"Come on!"
So I jogged into his caravan.
I said, "I don't have my Medicare card."
He said, "Doesn't matter."
He just stuck it in and I jogged home.
(LAUGHTER)
I have no idea what he put in me.
(LAUGHTER)
But after two years... And I remember when Dan,
after two years of being locked down,
Dan went on TV and said, "I feel like a proud dad today.
"You can come out."- (LAUGHTER)
That's weird.
Proud dad 'cause you've locked your kids in the basement
for two years?- (LAUGHTER)
Is that how Fritzl felt when his kids got out?
(APPALLED LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Alright. Is that a bit much? Whatever!
(LAUGHTER)
Every state premier was doing it, weren't they?
Oh, my God, they were all insane.
I actually didn't mind the New South Wales Premier.
She was letting people get out and about, Gladys.
I didn't mind Gladys and then Gladys had to quit.
I thought, "Why's she quitting
"'cause she's in a relationship with a guy called Daryl?"
What, you quit being premier 'cause of a bloke called Daryl?
I thought, "He must be a looker."
Then I saw a photo of Daryl.
Jeez, he must have a massive Wagga Wagga, that Daryl.
(LAUGHTER)
He must have a huge Wagga Wagga.
But they were all gettin' involved.
I didn't even know
the Northern Territory had someone in charge...
(LAUGHTER)
...but they were going,
"There's no-one who's got COVID in the Territory."
That's 'cause there's no people there, mate!
Test the crocodiles, you'll find some.
The WA guy was the winner for me, though, wasn't he?
He was unbelievable. He was so strict.
I mean, Kim Jong-un was looking at him going, "Mate..."
(LAUGHTER)
"You need to calm down a bit, mate."
(LAUGHTER)
He was so addicted to bloody publicity.
And, for me, one of the best stories of 2021
was little Cleo, the girl who got abducted,
she was found safe and well, thankfully.
For 19 days, she was abducted, eventually found.
It was a guy who was obsessed with Bratz dolls
in a town called Carnarvon.
And what happened? The day she was found
the WA Premier flew to that town
to do a meet-and-greet with a four-year-old.
Mate, she does not know who you are.
She's not gonna vote for ya. Fuck off.
(LAUGHTER)
And she was with a guy who was obsessed with Bratz dolls
for 19 days. The Premier gave her a teddy bear.
I could see the look in her eyes.
She's looking at Mum going,
"Do I have to go with this fuckhead now, Mum?"
(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)
It was too much!
Anyway, it's great to be here
and you are the best crowd I've ever had.
(LAUGHTER)
I've never been more pumped up.
-(WHOOPING) - And I am...
-(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING) - I love it.
I love doing comedy. I absolutely...
I love hanging out with new comedians.
They come up with terms I don't know.
I was backstage at a little club recently,
there was a bloke on stage and he said... he said,
"My girlfriend pegged me last night."
(LAUGHTER)
I had no idea that was a new term.
I thought 'pegging' was when you put a clothes peg
on the back of someone's shirt.
I was on next after this guy.
I walked on stage and said, "Who cares?
"My kids peg me all the time."
(LAUGHTER)
Then I found out what it means now
and that you...
Do you know what that means, sir?
Do you know what 'pegging' means?
No. No. No. No.
Yep, alright.
Do you know what it means, mate?
Have you heard the term? MAN:Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.- (LAUGHTER)
If you haven't heard that term,
do not Google that at work on Monday, I can tell you.
(LAUGHTER)
It's... Oh, it's when a lady loves a man a lot, apparently.
(LAUGHTER) MAN:It's good.
It's good? Alright.- (LAUGHTER)
I'm not doing it, 'cause I think my wife,
sometimes she might get so angry that...
Anyway, ah...- (LAUGHTER)
Honestly, I'm not...
Anyway, I... (SPLUTTERS)
(LAUGHTER)
She made me have a colonic one day and that was enough for me.
I had no idea what that process was.
If you don't know what that is - I had to go somewhere
and a woman tried to shove a garden hose up my arse.
(LAUGHTER)
And the problem is it wouldn't fit!
That was the toughest ten minutes of my life!
We recorded it for the radio and the playback was harrowing.
It's was just me going, "Aaaargh!"
Then I asked a question
I never wanna have to ask again in my life.
I said, "Is it in yet?"- (LAUGHTER)
And the answer broke my heart.
She said, "No, it's not."
Oh, my God!
Then she said something that freaked me out.
She said, "We might have to use the kids' hose on you."
(LAUGHTER)
There's a kids' hose?
Then my ego kicked in.
I said, "I'm a man. You get that man hose up me!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Use a run-up if you have to."
(LAUGHTER)
"Get the receptionist involved."
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway. No, it's great to be here.
- (LAUGHTER) - It is great to be here.
I did recently start vaping, which is ridiculous.
I'm not proud of it. It's stupid. It's stupid.
Someone gave me one on election night
and I sucked on it
and I'm... and it's...- (CACKLING LAUGHTER)
It's not funny!- (LAUGHTER)
I gave up smoking 30 years ago.
Now I'm sucking on a highlighter, basically.
(LAUGHTER)
And they're talking about
teenagers hiding it from their parents.
What about parents hiding it from their teenagers?
I rang my wife.
She was in the car with the three kids
and I had a fresh vape and I...
It's in Alfoil so they couldn't see me.
So I opened the packet, my wife's eagle-eared.
She said, "What are you opening?"
I said, "A packet of nuts."
My son said, "What sorta nuts?"
I said, "Blueberry ice nuts."
I'm just trying to hide it from them,
but she's found out and that's tricky 'cause she's now...
She rang me the other day and she said,
"I've googled and vaping causes erectile dysfunction."
I'm like, "Honey, don't make me choose!"
(LAUGHTER)
"This is available to me every day.
"That happens on my birthdays."
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I don't do any drugs apart... I'm not a drug-taker.
I'm not, I'm not.
Now, who here's on crystal meth? Who's on it, ah?
AUDIENCE MEMBERS:Yay!
There are only two more sleeps till Christmas, you'll be OK,
but, ah...
That gets a bad rap, that drug, but fair enough too.
But I tell you what, it does do some things.
It gets people out in the community, doesn't it?
- (LAUGHTER) - They don't stay home.
They like to integrate themselves.
And they're not paranoid.
They look in the mirror and go, "I look good, yep.
"I'm trying to eat me own teeth, fuckin' fair enough.
"Let's go shopping at Big W."
(LAUGHTER)
They interact with me, these people, though,
because they see me and they see a kindred spirit
and I appreciate that.
Actually, I was on the light rail recently.
This is a true story, and this is when you had to wear a mask
and I'm not sure if you still do,
but anyway, I was wearing a mask, got on at St Kilda.
There was no-one else on the carriage,
I thought, "I'll get into the city, no worries.
"I'm wearing my mask." Some bloke got on after me, no-one else in the carriage,
and straight away I could tell that he was a meth enthusiast.
You just know.
And where did he decide to sit?
Right beside me.- (LAUGHTER)
And he started staring at me.
I'm trying not to freak out and then he goes, "Hughesy!"
(LAUGHTER)
"You're trying to hide behind that mask
"but I can see you!"
- (LAUGHTER) - "I'm not hiding, mate.
"I'm not Michael Jackson in 1987.
"It's a government regulation!"
He said, "Well, I'm not wearing one."
I said, "I reckon COVID's the least of your problems, mate."
(LAUGHTER)
Then, I kid you not, he said,
"You wanna know what I've been up to today?"
And I'm thinking, "No, I don't."
He said, "OK, I'll tell ya."
And this is true, he said, "I stabbed two blokes."
I'm like, "Oo-oh! Well, you've had a full day.
(LAUGHTER) "You have a good old sleep
"and you start stabbing again in the morning, alright?"
(LAUGHTER)
So then he must've felt guilty. He said, "They deserved it."
I said, "I'm sure they did, mate. I am Team Stabby!"
(LAUGHTER) "You stab because you care."
Then he said, "They were trying to steal me drugs."
I said, "Well, clearly, they failed in that endeavour."
(LAUGHTER)
But then he goes, "What have you been up to?"
and I thought, "Oh, no, I've gotta step this up."
"I've gotta let this guy know that I'm a hard man."
I said, "Mate, I've been on the edge today, as well.
"The law means nothing to me.
"I didn't even tap on for this ride."
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
"We're both going to hell and we're going there for free.
"If a ticket inspector gets on, you know what to do."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Anyway, if he's watching this
I said I wouldn't tell anyone, but I have.
Ah...- (LAUGHTER)
There's no inhibitions.
I was in a city car park one night, alright,
and I'm walking back to my car.
It was a Saturday night, about 11 o'clock,
and I walked past a guy who was lying on top of a sleeping bag.
I thought, "Hang on, he's got no shirt on.
"Hang on, he's got no clothes on whatsoever."
He was holding an iPad and he was doing something
he should not have been doing in public.
It was graphic.
He was on his own, but I still felt like a victim.
(LAUGHTER)
I went back to my car and I thought,
"You know what, I'm normally live or let live,
"but I've just walked past a crime
"and I'm gonna phone this one in."
So I got my phone out, I'm standing next to my car
and I was thinking about ringing triple zero
and becoming a triple-zero hero.
Then I thought about what are they gonna ask me?
Am I gonna have to describe what's going on here?
Gonna have to pick out a penis in a line-up.
(LAUGHTER)
What if this makes the news and the headline is,
"Dave Hughes helps police out with their enquiries
"about masturbating man in car park"?
I thought, "That's not right. I don't wanna be that guy."
So then I'm standing there
and someone else must've made the phone call before I did
so five police walked up the ramp of the city car park
to deal with the wanker.
(LAUGHTER)
They walked over and gave him a bit of a kick, like,
"Put it away, mate, alright?"
And then two of them looked up and saw me, 30 metres away,
standing there, phone in hand.
(LAUGHTER)
They came over, he said,
"Are you the guy that made the call?"
I said, "Nah. I was just watching."
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway, no, it's great to be here
and I am so pumped up.
You are the best crowd I've ever had.
-(CHEERING) - Thank you.
-(APPLAUSE) - Thank you.
Spending a lot of time in Sydney at the moment.
Everyone loves Sydney, yeah?- (AUDIENCE BOOS)
Whatever.
Tell you what is different, the beaches.
I'm a Melbourne beach guy.
I can sorta get away with my body on a Melbourne beach.
(LAUGHTER)
- (CHEERING) - Thank you.
That gets a cheer here.
My children don't cheer it.
I'm not allowed to have my shirt off at home!
The other day, my nine-year-old said, "Dad, you've got boobs."
I said, "You haven't, so who's the winner?"
(LAUGHTER)
On a Sydney beach I can't get away with it.
They're so fit.
Even in winter, they're ripped.
I'm like, "Fuckin' have a donut and calm down, you fuckheads."
(LAUGHTER)
It's winter!
I was eating chips on the Bondi Beach recently
and the seagulls were looking at me going,
"What the fuck are they?"
(LAUGHTER)
"We only have kale here."
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway, no, it's great to be here.
But it's been so cold, hasn't it?
AUDIENCE:Yes.
ScoMo was right. It's not easy under Albanese.
(LAUGHTER)
Who would've thought that advertising campaign
wasn't gonna work?
They spent hundreds of millions of dollars on that thing.
Got 'em nowhere.
Poor old ScoMo.
I mean, he was... I mean, he tri-...
Anyway, poor old ScoMo!
I knew he wasn't cutting through
when he gave Joe Biden $100 billion for submarines.
He was meant to give them to the French,
but he took it off the French and he gave it to Joe Biden
'cause he wanted to suck up to Joe Biden.
And Joe Biden,
at a press conference with Boris Johnson and ScoMo,
just two people, only had to remember two names.
Joe Biden said, "Thank you, Boris,"
and looked at ScoMo and said, "Aaaah.
"Thanks to the dude from Down Under."
$100 billion and he can't even remember his name.
I mean, that says a little bit about Joe Biden, as well.
I don't know if you've looked at him recently,
but that is Weekend At Bernie's style.
(LAUGHTER)
Come on. I saw him fall off a pushbike the other day.
He is struggling.
But I get in trouble when I mention Joe Biden.
Actually, I had to get off Twitter after this.
I said something about Joe Biden which angered everyone.
Joe Biden was doing a speech, right, and I was watching it
and he was struggling with his speech,
there's no doubt about it.
So I wrote, "Joe Biden's having a mad struggle with his speech.
"Is it the autocue?"
And I thought it might've been
because I struggle with autocues as well.
I've been on TV for over 20 years,
they never let me use the autocue
because, apparently, every time I use it,
it looks like I'm in a hostage situation.
(LAUGHTER)
So I wrote that tweet thinking no-one would care.
I wrote it and I sent it.
I left my phone for ten minutes.
I came back and, apparently, I had started World War Three.
I was trending number one, two and three,
and none of the comments were positive.
People were hating on me.
It was unbelievable.
The first comment was from Wendy Harmer,
a great Australian comedian.
She wrote, "Hughesy, Joe Biden's got a stutter.
"You should know that."
Well, I fuckin' didn't know it, Wendy.
(LAUGHTER)
Did you know Joe Biden had a stutter?
No, 'cause he doesn't stutter.
Apparently, he did when he was a kid,
but that was in the 1800s, for fuck's sake!
(LAUGHTER)
For three days, people were hating on me.
It was unbelievable!
The worst comment I got was when someone wrote,
"Hughesy, I used to find you funny,
"but I'm never gonna laugh at anything you ever say again
"because now you've punched down."
I had no idea what that meant.
I had to look it up.
It means you're having a go
at someone of a lower social status than you.
(LAUGHTER)
Joe Biden's the President of America!
(LAUGHTER)
I hang out with crackheads on the light rail.
(LAUGHTER)
It was unbelievable. But anyway.
Good on him and good luck to him, alright?
Hope it works out for him.
I put a photo up of my rescue dog,
trying to suck up to people.
- Anyone got a rescue animal? - AUDIENCE MEMBERS:Woo!
We're the real heroes, aren't we?
- AUDIENCE MEMBERS:Yes. - Yes.
I mean, there's all these people with Cavoodles
living easy lives.
They don't know what it's like to really love an animal
'cause one thing you know about rescue dogs when you get 'em,
you know there's something wrong.
(LAUGHTER)
They're not giving away the good ones, I can tell you.
(LAUGHTER)
We got two new rescue cats. We already had a rescue...
We had two rescue dogs and a rescue cat.
We got two new rescue cats during lockdown.
That's a big effort.
- One of them got run over. - AUDIENCE:Ohhh!
Yeah, it's sad, but that was during a lockdown
when there was no cars on the street.
I don't know how it found a car to run itself over.
Was it a suicide?
(LAUGHTER)
It might've been our first rescue cat
who did not like the new cats, at all,
Teddy, who's 18 years old.
He's been morbidly obese for that whole time.
I've had vets over 18 years say,
"You've got to get him to lose weight."
"Do I, mate? I don't think so."
- (LAUGHTER) - He's happy.
"He doesn't even have an Instagram account, alright,
"so there's no-one trolling his selfies."
He goes, "You're overfeeding him." "No, I'm not.
"He might have a Deliveroo account, as far as I know."
(LAUGHTER)
But morbidly obese Teddy is still hunting.
Still hunting!
I saw him out in the backyard the other day
with a pigeon in his mouth.
Not for a second did I feel sorry for that pigeon.
I thought, "If you're an animal with the gift of flight
"and you got caught by that fat fucker..."
(LAUGHTER)
"..you deserve to die!"
(LAUGHTER)
No, we love... We love Teddy. We do.
I've got two rescue dogs as well.
Barkley I've had for 17 years.
17 years!
He's a mid-size mongrel and for all that time,
he has been biting people.
And that is an achievement,
to keep a dog alive for that long that bites people.
You know how many crimes I've had to cover up?
(LAUGHTER)
He's never hurt anyone that bad, but it's stressful.
I remember one day I was in a park and he bit a kid.
Luckily, the kid wasn't old enough
to explain to his mum what had happened.
(LAUGHTER)
The kid was about two.
And he didn't even break the skin,
but the kid's carrying on like he'd been bitten by a shark.
I'm, "You're OK, mate. You're OK."
She's on her iPhone, she didn't see what happened.
I'm like, "What can we do? Do you want some cash?
"Let's shut up, mate."
(LAUGHTER)
Eventually, his mum looked off her iPhone and said,
"What happened here?"
I said, "Your kid just went nuts. Can you calm him down?
"He's freaking my dog out."
(LAUGHTER)
Some people... Some people deserve it, though.
I tell people not to pat him.
One woman, one day,
she had dreadlocks and she went to pat him.
I said, "Don't pat him." She said, "Why?"
I said, "He will bite you."
She said, "He won't." I said, "He will."
She said, "He won't, I'm a dog whisperer."
I said, "Well, guess what, I can see the future..."
(LAUGHTER)
"..and I reckon my superpower's gonna beat your superpower."
She said, "Watch this," and I watched my dog bite her.
(LAUGHTER)
She looked at me like I hadn't predicted it.
(LAUGHTER)
"Oh, Nostradamus has got another right over here, yeah?
"You're a dog whisperer and he's deaf,
"he couldn't fuckin' hear you!"
(LAUGHTER)
"He smelt the dreadlocks and he went for the kill!"
(LAUGHTER)
No, I love Barkley. We got some tough news.
No, I do love Barkley.
He's a great dog and I walk him round all the time
and you know what he loves, he loves to poo in public.
And he won't just do one.
He'll do, like, nine or ten on every walk.
I reckon he counts the amount of bags I've got
and makes sure he does one more shit
than the amount of bags I've got.
And he always does the last one in front of people.
He did one in front of a cake shop one day
and I'd run out of bags.
People were eating their bloody mudcakes.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm like, "You want another one?"
(LAUGHTER)
I had no bags left.
All I could find was a McDonald's cup
so I scooped the shit in that
and it was a big cup, and it needed to be.
I'm walking home with my stupid dog
and a massive cup of shit...(LAUGHTER)
...thinking, "I've worked too hard to be in this situation."
Normally, I love getting recognised,
but this wasn't one of those times.
Two young women said, "Hughesy, we need a photo,"
and I'm thinking, "No, you don't. Not today."
They wouldn't take no for an answer.
I had one under this arm, one under this arm.
She's trying to work out
the reverse bloody camera on her iPhone
while I had a cup of shit in her ear.
(LAUGHTER)
Eventually, the smell overpowered the three of us.
She said, "What's in the cup?"
(LAUGHTER)
I said, "That's McDonald's new thickshake."
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway.
No, you're a great crowd. I've never been more pumped up.
Had some tough news with Barkley, though,
recently, though, Barkley, 17-year-old Barkley.
Took him to the vet and the vet gave him the once-over.
I'll never forget what the vet said, it was only recently.
He said, "I reckon he's got about five more years
"left in him."
"Are you sure?"
(LAUGHTER)
No, we love Barkley,
but Barkley looks at me
the way the Queen looks at Prince Charles.
(LAUGHTER)
"I'm never gonna fuckin' die!"
(LAUGHTER)
He's trying to knock her off, isn't he, yeah?
He gave her COVID. He had it seven times.
Every time, he took it straight home to Mummy.
"Come on, Mummy, let's have a kiss."
(LAUGHTER)
"Tongues tonight, Mummy."
(LAUGHTER)
Anyway, no, you're... This is...
I'm pumped up. You're a great crowd.
My children maybe will see this.
Maybe they will, I don't know.
I'll tell you what the best thing about the pandemic was.
My daughter's ballet concerts were cancelled for two years.
(LAUGHTER)
No, honestly.
They lock the doors when they start.
It's like a hostage situation.
(LAUGHTER)
You can't just watch your kid and leave,
you've gotta watch everyone.
My nine-year-old had her first concert recently.
She was crying all the way through it.
Afterwards, I said, "What was wrong?"
She said, "I made a mistake, Dad."
I said, "Who cares?
"The whole thing looks like a fuckin' mistake."
(LAUGHTER)
No, I support... I do support them.
I mean, I try to get them involved in my career.
They couldn't give a shit.
Recently, I was on Celebrity Gogglebox with my children.
Anyone see that? AUDIENCE MEMBERS:Yeah!
Yeah, thank you, alright. Thank you for watching.
And my two daughters were there.
My son didn't want to do it.
Alright, whatever, mate.
But they're there
and, honestly, five minutes into watching it...
If you don't know what Gogglebox is,
you watch TV, people film you while you're watching it,
and that's TV, apparently.
(LAUGHTER)
They didn't like the shows we were watching.
At that time, Married At First Sight was one of the shows
and my daughter was going, "This is weird, Dad.
"Those people aren't meant for each other.
"Why are they married?"
I said, "'Cause the experts put them together."
- "But they're not suited." - "I know they're not suited
"and the experts know as well, alright, so...
"They want two crazy people to hang out for a couple of months
"and that's it, alright?"
I wouldn't trust those experts
to match my socks, to be honest, so...
After five minutes of watching the show, they're going,
"We don't wanna be here anymore."
"You've got to. We've got to do this."
"We know our rights."
What?- (LAUGHTER)
Then they stopped smiling.
I said, "Keep smiling!
"Australia needs to know
"we're a happy fuckin' family, alright?"
(LAUGHTER)
My son, I take him out to bloody basketball
every Friday night.
He plays in the Under, what is it,
the Under-something, ah, Under-14s.
We drive for an hour, hour-and-a-half,
every Friday night and the gratitude? There's none.
He's on his TikTok the whole way.
Drove to Bacchus Marsh recently,
got there and he goes,
"Just drop me off out the front, you find a park."
(LAUGHTER)
"You're not LeBron James, mate."
(LAUGHTER)
He said, "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya."
I said, "I think you would, 'cause I've got the car, yeah?"
(LAUGHTER)
"It's a lot of dribbling to get back to St Kilda, fuckhead,
"I can tell you."
(LAUGHTER)
No, he's a good kid.
No, he bloody annoys me, though.
He does annoy me.
The other night, his wi-... Not his wife, my wife!
(LAUGHTER)
His mother hugged me in the kitchen
and he was, "Oh, this is disgusting.
"Get a room!"
I said, "We've got a whole house!
"You don't own fuck all, mate, alright, so..."
(LAUGHTER)
"And her hugging me
"is the reason you're in the world, yeah?
"If she didn't wanna do this, you would be alive, yeah?
"You're like someone who likes bacon,
"doesn't wanna see the pig get slaughtered, aren't ya?"
My wife said, "Am I the pig?"
"No, you're not the pig in the analogy!"
(LAUGHTER)
No, I do, I love my...
My children are amazing and my wife is amazing.
She's an absolute angel, no doubt about it, absolutely.
And I think... I think I'm a good guy.
I think, generally, I'm a good guy.
I mean, I do things wrong.
I'm a sober guy, I come home early every night,
but, you know, but I'm not perfect
and I found that out recently.
I'm lying in bed.
I've started reading a Kindle to go to sleep.
It's an eReader. You don't need the bedside light on.
So I read it every night to go to sleep,
thinking I'm doing the right thing.
Reading me Kindle the other night and she just snapped.
She said, "You're ruining my life!"
I'm like, "Can I just finish my chapter
"before we go on with that?"
She said, "That's why you're ruining my life."
I said, "What do you mean
"that's why I'm ruining your life?"
She said, "It's that Kindle. You're addicted to it."
"Well, you've lucked out in the husband stakes, haven't ya?"
"You could have a heroin-addicted, womanising,
"gambling addict who's out every night,
"but you've got yourself a dirty, stinking Kindle reader."
(LAUGHTER)
"Some arsehole who comes home early every night
"and lies in bed just to fuck you up!"
(LAUGHTER)
I said, "How is this ruining your life?"
She said, "It's so bright,
"I can't sleep when you read it and you read it every night."
I'm like, "It's not a flare, for fuck's sake!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Can't you shut your eyes?"
She said, "I can see it through my shut eyelids."
"Well, get some thicker eyelids, you fuckhead!"
(LAUGHTER)
Now guys, before you cancel me,
not all of that story happened out loud.
(LAUGHTER)
Her half did happen out loud.
My half was an internal monologue.
(LAUGHTER)
So when she said, ah, you know, that I was ruining her life,
I said, "How?" she said, "The Kindle."
I said, "I'm sorry." I said, "What's the problem?"
She said, "It's too bright,"
and I said, "I didn't know, honey!"
"What do we do?"
She said, "You can turn it down,"
and together we turned it down so low,
that I could no longer read it.
(LAUGHTER)
I couldn't tell her that, though.
She went straight to sleep and I just dropped it on the ground
and stared at the ceiling for six hours...
(LAUGHTER)
...wondering what heroin was like.
(LAUGHTER)
No, we are a great couple, though. We are.
And I've got to say this about couples
in long-term relationships.
We're 20 years down the track. 20 years together.
It's a good effort, yeah? 20 years!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And we still have sexy times, yes!
Often.- (WHOOPING)
You've gotta keep having sexy times.
You have to.
I know that you get tired, but you've gotta push through.
(LAUGHTER)
There's a lot of women in this room going,
"But I work so hard."
I know you do and that's why we want to reward you.
(LAUGHTER)
My wife works very hard, there's no doubt about it.
She takes the mental load of the family
and I appreciate that.
Not enough, apparently, but I do.
But I tell you what,
her multitasking can become inappropriate.
Recently, we were in the middle of what I thought
was a very sexy time.
I thought we were in the middle of it.
I thought we were focused.
Then she goes, "Mmmmmm.
"What are we gonna get Sidney for his birthday?"
(LAUGHTER)
Sidney's our seven-ear-old nephew.
I had my hand on her tit at the time.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm like, "Honey, I don't care.
"Let's talk about this afterwards."
There's no way... There is a double standard, guys.
There's no way, even after 20 years,
I could change the subject during the middle of sexy time
if she was busting her best moves.
There is no way.
I mean, imagine... No, don't imagine.
(LAUGHTER)
Just say she was going down on meee!
So let's just imagine it's 2005!
(LAUGHTER)
Then I tap her on the top of the head.
"Mmmm, it's going very well,
"but what are we gonna get Sidney for his birthday?"
(LAUGHTER)
She would bite my cock off!
(LAUGHTER)
And not a court in the land would convict her!
(LAUGHTER)
There's definitely a double standard,
absolutely, definitely.
I remember just before the pandemic hit,
she went to Bali on a girls' trip.
One of her friends was turning 40.
And I'm like, "Right, I'll stay home with the three kids."
They complained the whole time she was away.
"Where's Mum? When will she be back?"
I knew that was gonna happen.
They complain if she goes to the shops.
"When will Mum be back?" "I reckon five minutes.
"You wanna FaceTime her, do you?"
I can go away for three weeks,
they don't even look up from their iPads.
I once rang them from Montreal, FaceTime.
I reckon I was a minute into the conversation,
my son said, "Dad, gonna put you down now,"
and just dropped the phone, left me staring at the ceiling.
(LAUGHTER)
No-one came to check on me.
(LAUGHTER)
I just hung up.
Made me think about 50 years' time
where I'm lying in a nursing home bed, they're looking over.
"We're gonna put you down now, Dad."
(LAUGHTER)
"It's been fun, but it's over."
Anyway, so she's over in Bali.
This is the double standard. I get a text message.
I reckon it was midnight on a Wednesday night.
This is what the message said.
"Me and the girls are going for late night massages.
"Wish us luck."
After-midnight massages in Bali.
I can tell you, if I'm on a boys' trip to Bali,
I'm not sending that message.
(LAUGHTER)
"Wish us luck, honey.
"Wanna have a happy ending to the evening!"
Anyway, so I said, "Good luck"
and then I woke up the next morning
to a photo from her - it was of her decolletage
with scratches over the top of her boobs.
I'm like, "What, she's sexting me?"
I sent a message, "What happened last night?"
She sent a message back, "You a bit suss on me, are ya?"
- (LAUGHTER) - "Well, yes, I am.
"They're pretty scratchy boobs!"
She sent a message back, "That's cute, isn't it?"
That's cute?
I don't reckon it'd be cute if you were suss on me, would ya?
If you thought I'd cheated on you,
it'd be light rail stabby, stabby guy, wouldn't it?
(LAUGHTER)
Then she sent a message back saying,
"I was so relaxed after the massage,
"walking back to the villa I didn't look where I was going
"and I stepped into a ditch."
I'm like, "Was there a tiger in that ditch, was there?"
(LAUGHTER)
"'Cause they are very, very scratchy boobs."
Then she said something I will never forget.
She said, "I can't even cheat on you in my fantasies."
I'm like, "What?
"20 years together
"and you've never thought about another man?"
And she said, "Yes, I have."
I said, "Well, isn't that cheating on me
"in your fantasies?"
She said, "No. First, I have to fantasise that you've died."
(GASPS AND LAUGHTER)
I'm like, "Every time?
"And can you not use the term 'fantasising'
"when you talk about me dying?"
She said, "Every time." I said, "Well, how do I die?"
She said, "All sorts of different ways."
(LAUGHTER)
I said, "Do I ever suffer?"
She said, "Sometimes you suffer a lot."
"Well done, good on you for being able to get through that
"and get on with your life."
Now it makes me wonder what she thinks...
Anyway, whatever, good on her.
We're a great couple and we have a great time together.
We're a beautiful couple.
And we do. We... we... Good on us.
It's not easy, though,
when you've got children in the house, you know?
It's not easy.
And my wife has got an open-door policy, yeah?
So the door always has to be open to our bedroom.
She says she wants everyone to feel safe.
I'm like, "If they see what's happening right now,
"they're not gonna feel safe, I don't believe."
(LAUGHTER)
That can be really, really stressful
if you're in the middle of it.
Really stressful.
I remember one night, we're in the middle of it
and my son starts running down the corridor to our room.
He's going faster than Usain Bolt at the Olympics.
He's sprinting towards us and he's going,
"There's really scary noises going on in there!
"The noises are freaking me out!"
We have not got time to uncouple.
I'm like, "Well, run away from the noise!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Why would you run towards danger?"
He said, "Dad, but the noises are scary!"
I said, "Go to the backyard!"
(LAUGHTER)
"We'll come out when it's safe!"
He said, "Dad, but I wanna come in there."
I'm like, "If you come in here,
"I won't be coming anywhere, will I?"
(LAUGHTER)
And my wife is like, "You've gotta let him in."
I said, "I don't want to!
"It's my birthday!"
(LAUGHTER)
But she says, "Oh, alright," and we uncoupled
and he walked in, he said, "Is it safe in here now?"
I said, "Yes, it's safe in here."
He said, "No more scary noises?"
I said, "No more scary noises.
"You might hear a noise in the bathroom in a minute, though."
(LAUGHTER)
"Don't worry about that."
He said, "What will that be?"
I said, "That'll be Dad hitting his dick with a hammer."
(LAUGHTER)
Guys, you have been the best crowd I've ever had.
I bloody love you!- (CHEERING)
And who loves the Masked Singer?
(WILD CHEERING)
If you don't know what the Masked Singer is,
it's a TV show.
I'm on it.
Yes, you have singers in masks and they sing.
I sit on a panel and we guess who they are.
And it's not easy to guess.
It can be stressful.
Really stressful.
And sometimes the mask comes off
and you've gotta keep guessing.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
And if you don't hear Osher say who it is,
I'm like, "Who the fuck did he say?"
You've gotta be excited about people you don't know.
"Oh, no, it's you!
"I can't believe it's you!
"I can't believe you'd do this show
"'cause I don't know who the fuck you are!"
(LAUGHTER)
I initially did the show,
I didn't know what the show was,
but I heard I was gonna be with Dannii Minogue, Jackie O
and Lindsay Lohan, and I thought, "And me?"
And they said, "Yep." I said, "Well, count me in."
Lindsay Lohan, an international star!
She was famous as a child, world-famous.
She did a movie called Parent Trap
and then she did a movie called Freaky Friday
and then she was a teenager,
she did a movie called Mean Girls.
Massive star!
Then she made a series of decisions...
(LAUGHTER)
...and it meant in 2019,
she flew to Australia to be on a TV show sitting next to me.
And the first time she saw me,
I think she regretted some of those decisions.
(LAUGHTER)
She couldn't even understand me.
She looked at me and said, "Why do you speak like that?"
I said, "It's a gift."
(LAUGHTER)
She got told there was gonna be massive stars on the show.
She was... She was reaching for the bloody...
One night she said, "I think it's Bruno Mars."
My main job early on was just to encourage her guessing.
I said, "I reckon it might be.
"He just won 20 Grammys.
"He's got $800 million in the bank.
"This was gonna be his next move,
"there's no doubt about it."
(LAUGHTER)
It wasn't Bruno Mars.
(LAUGHTER)
But I got to spend the night in her hotel room
'cause a mate of mine, another comedian,
was on the show one night, Nazeem Hussain,
and she liked...
They got along well and she sent him a message afterwards.
I was hanging out with him at a hotel and he said,
"Lindsay Lohan wants us to come to her hotel room."
I'm like, "What?" He said, "Yeah."
I said, "Oh, my God! Really?"
And then he sent a message back and I didn't hear the response.
I said, "What did she say?"
"She hasn't responded to my next message."
I said, "What was the message?"
He said, "I sent her a message, 'Should we bring a plate?'"
I'm like, "Mate, she doesn't know what that is!
"She's not a housewife from Melton, for fuck's sake."
(LAUGHTER)
She came back with the message, "A plate?
"Bring a bottle of wine."
And then we started freaking out
'cause I don't drink and he's Muslim.
(LAUGHTER)
I said, "One of us is going to hell tonight!"
We brought a bottle of wine, none of us touched it.
She didn't notice.
But I was hanging out in a hotel room
like I was Robert Downey Jr. in 19-bloody-97.
I was freakin' out.
I was so nervous, I went to the toilet at one point
just to do a wee, but I got stage fright in the toilet.
I'm like, "Oh, no!" and the clock was ticking.
I'm thinking, "She's gonna think I'm doing a shit."
(LAUGHTER)
Have you had a good time, everyone?
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - I love you all.
I've been Dave Hughes.
Thank you!
(CROWD ROARS AND WHISTLES)
(LIVELY MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)