1 00:00:01,262 --> 00:00:03,264 ["CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER" PLAYING] 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:27,549 --> 00:00:30,421 ANNOUNCER: Put your hands together for the Death Star Jedi, 5 00:00:30,465 --> 00:00:31,814 coming straight out of Brooklyn, 6 00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:38,038 Mr. Dave Lester. 7 00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:40,040 [CROWD CHEERING] 8 00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:42,477 Yeah! 9 00:00:50,093 --> 00:00:52,052 [CROWD CONTINUES CHEERING] 10 00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,359 Yeah! 11 00:00:58,667 --> 00:00:59,755 Yeah. 12 00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:04,412 All right. 13 00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:06,153 All right. 14 00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:07,850 All right. 15 00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:10,853 That's enough. 16 00:01:10,896 --> 00:01:13,203 That's... that's enough. That's enough. 17 00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:15,118 -[MAN WHOOPING] -That... 18 00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,990 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 19 00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:20,515 Pace yourself. Pace... pace yourselves. 20 00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:22,169 You done blew your wad for the weekend, 21 00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:24,954 now you can't do nothing else. This is it. 22 00:01:24,997 --> 00:01:26,216 You gonna blow it all up. 23 00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:28,784 I want to thank you all for coming out 24 00:01:28,827 --> 00:01:30,873 because I thought about going straight home today, 25 00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:31,917 so, uh... 26 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,485 So I could go right home. 27 00:01:34,529 --> 00:01:36,096 I love going home. 28 00:01:36,139 --> 00:01:37,967 Going straight home is my shit. 29 00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:40,274 Right? 30 00:01:40,317 --> 00:01:41,666 I'm that age. 31 00:01:41,710 --> 00:01:43,015 We're that age, you be like, 32 00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:45,931 I don't need to go nowhere else but home. 33 00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:47,542 I will go home. 34 00:01:49,718 --> 00:01:51,415 "Go home" is a drink choice. 35 00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:52,634 "Can I have a... 36 00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:55,506 "go home straight, please? 37 00:01:57,247 --> 00:02:00,685 "I would love a go home straight. 38 00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:04,036 "Oh. Give me two, give me two. I'm taking an Uber." 39 00:02:04,907 --> 00:02:06,213 [LAUGHS] 40 00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:09,041 Shit, man. Like, right? 41 00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:11,043 You're over 30, 35, 40. 42 00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:13,089 You... [STRAINING] What? 43 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,179 Shit. I'll be out of my clothes, laid out at home to go to bed 44 00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:17,789 like people lay their clothes out to have a wedding. 45 00:02:17,833 --> 00:02:19,400 I'm like, "You know what? 46 00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:22,316 "I'm sleeping in this shit tonight. Look at this. 47 00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:23,839 "You like this? You can't see it. 48 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,275 "It's not the night time yet." 49 00:02:26,581 --> 00:02:28,060 I'll be ready to lay down. 50 00:02:28,104 --> 00:02:30,411 Oh. Lay down? 51 00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,674 And I don't even mean go to sleep. 52 00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:34,110 I said, "Lay down." 53 00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:37,809 I lays down. 54 00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:39,985 Shout out if you lay down in here, like, 55 00:02:40,029 --> 00:02:42,684 -make some noise... -[CROWD CHEERING] 56 00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:44,425 -Lay down? -MAN: Yeah! 57 00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:48,124 Look at all 'em millennials, like, "What is... what is..." 58 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,387 Lay down is when you lay down horizontally 59 00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,128 and be spiritually still... 60 00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,913 and reflect. 61 00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:56,567 "Like, you know what? 62 00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:58,787 "I spent too much money in Trader Joe's." 63 00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:02,356 "Again." 64 00:03:03,705 --> 00:03:04,836 Lay down. 65 00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:08,144 We should lay down at work, at your nine to five. 66 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,798 We should be able to lay down. 67 00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:11,626 If we laid down, 68 00:03:11,669 --> 00:03:13,671 we wouldn't steal that much more time. 69 00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:17,284 If you let me lay down for 20 minutes during the day, 70 00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:20,722 I promise you two hours of productivity. 71 00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:24,552 People don't think like that. 72 00:03:24,595 --> 00:03:26,641 When I meet women at the bar, I'll be like, 73 00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:28,208 "We gonna lay down before we fuck. 74 00:03:28,251 --> 00:03:29,731 "I'm letting you know right now. 75 00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,254 "We're gonna lay down. 76 00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:35,476 "If I like how you be still, then we will have sex." 77 00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:43,266 "What?" 78 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,790 "Yeah, I want you to make sure this is something you want to do, you know. 79 00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:51,361 "Give you time to deliberate, bitch. Figure it out. You want to 80 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,103 "sit there and you let me know." 81 00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:58,542 I love going home, man. I go home. 82 00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:00,457 I go to places waiting to be offended 83 00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:01,719 so I can leave early. 84 00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:04,766 Bro, I don't like these lights. 85 00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:09,031 I can go home. I don't need to be here. I will leave. 86 00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:11,294 I got these candles at home. I ain't got to be here. 87 00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:15,298 The only thing I love more than going home 88 00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:16,691 is getting dressed to go out, 89 00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:18,693 getting fresh, getting out of the shower, 90 00:04:18,736 --> 00:04:20,303 putting on my Usher music... 91 00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:22,131 Men have hype music as well. 92 00:04:22,174 --> 00:04:23,785 I know women... I know women got 93 00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:25,526 all the hype music before they go out. 94 00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:27,136 Right? 'Cause I'm a Mama's boy. 95 00:04:27,179 --> 00:04:28,703 So I remember my mom going out. 96 00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:31,053 But men have hype music, too. It's... 97 00:04:31,096 --> 00:04:32,533 ♪ You don't have to call 98 00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:35,187 That's how I got out, nigga. Nigga, that's... 99 00:04:35,231 --> 00:04:36,363 When you get, 100 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:39,235 ♪ We're gonna boogie tonight 101 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,410 We'd be ready to go. 102 00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:42,064 Nothing make me happier than going 103 00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:44,240 and getting fresh in the shower. 104 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,503 Putting on my coconut oils, 'cause I like to smell good. 105 00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:48,723 I like to smell... I like to smell edible. 106 00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:53,858 Putting on my stuff, man, 107 00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:56,426 doing my beard, and then not going the fuck out. 108 00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,036 Just not... 109 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,212 Just staying the fuck home with all my clothes on 110 00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:03,128 like I'm a rich dude walking around my house with all my clothes on, just... 111 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,306 "I think we'll be in the study tonight. 112 00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:10,310 "And by a study, I mean, bathroom." 113 00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:14,357 Oh, there's great light in there. 114 00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:16,228 Then I post that shit on social media 115 00:05:16,272 --> 00:05:18,448 like I was killing it somewhere else. 116 00:05:20,058 --> 00:05:22,844 "Club Mi Casa, nigga. Aah!" 117 00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:26,238 I was married. I got fired from that. 118 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,330 You still optimistic about me? 119 00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,421 Every job ain't for everybody. 120 00:05:36,161 --> 00:05:38,599 I like watching women comics get up here and be like, 121 00:05:38,642 --> 00:05:42,124 "I'm divorced," and they throw her a cocaine and penis party. 122 00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:44,953 "Oh, go, go, go, go!" 123 00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:47,042 Me, they'd be like, "What did you do? 124 00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:49,566 "What did you do?" 125 00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:54,397 I'd be like, "I chose happiness. That's the fuck I did. 126 00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,138 "I chose 127 00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:58,749 "to have moist skin and gain an inch of penis back. 128 00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:00,055 "I chose..." 129 00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:04,276 [CROWD LAUGHING] 130 00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:09,499 I feel like somebody's looking at my dick right now. I feel like... 131 00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:11,545 [CHUCKLES] 132 00:06:11,588 --> 00:06:14,548 It's really... it's not that serious. It's... 133 00:06:14,591 --> 00:06:16,550 You should've caught me when I was 35, bitch. 134 00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:19,379 I'd have wore you out. I would've shish-kebabbed you. No... 135 00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:21,555 I had... 136 00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:28,388 Now my shit like a player/coach. [CHUCKLES] 137 00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:33,349 That's unfair. I just got my coolness 138 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:36,047 and my dick is like, "Nah, we'll sit this one out." 139 00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:38,310 Like, "Nigga, we just got cool." 140 00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:40,182 "Yeah, but, you know, I'm good. 141 00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:45,579 "I'm gonna take a knee, my nigga. I'mma... 142 00:06:49,147 --> 00:06:51,541 "Come see me at 2:30 tomorrow afternoon." 143 00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:55,415 I'm no longer nocturnal. 144 00:06:58,853 --> 00:07:01,377 Changed my whole dating life. I've got to... 145 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,074 I can't... Shit, I can't pursue women 146 00:07:03,118 --> 00:07:05,425 deep into the night anymore because he gets sleepy. 147 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:08,428 I gotta hit bitches up at the farmer's market. 148 00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:09,951 "Hey, yo, yo, yo. 149 00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:14,216 "That arugula... Oh, yeah. 150 00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:17,480 "You are just the ticket." 151 00:07:18,742 --> 00:07:20,309 Getting, you know... 152 00:07:20,352 --> 00:07:22,485 When I was getting divorced, my friends were like, "Hey, man, 153 00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:24,269 "you don't look that old for your age. 154 00:07:24,313 --> 00:07:26,968 "You should date younger women." 155 00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:29,884 And I was like, "You should get the fuck out my face 156 00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:32,930 "because he gets sleepy at 9:30. 157 00:07:32,974 --> 00:07:35,672 "That would be pointless." 158 00:07:35,716 --> 00:07:38,762 I'll just be sitting up looking at this bitch's poetry and angry. 159 00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:44,855 I don't like young women. I don't like young woman. 160 00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:47,771 Young women, you're in here, your 20s, right? Yeah? 161 00:07:47,815 --> 00:07:49,425 Good. I don't like y'all. 162 00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:54,082 "No knowing who Luther Vandross is" ass bitches. 163 00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:57,389 I don't... I don't... Ah. Oh. 164 00:07:57,433 --> 00:07:58,869 Don't even know what dungarees are. 165 00:07:58,913 --> 00:08:00,958 I asked a specific question. 166 00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:03,091 The bitch don't know what dungarees are! 167 00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:05,180 [CHUCKLES] 168 00:08:06,311 --> 00:08:08,575 You don't know me. You don't know me. 169 00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:10,707 I don't like older women either. 170 00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:12,317 I don't want you to think I'm in here chasing your mama. 171 00:08:12,361 --> 00:08:14,058 No, no, I don't... 172 00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:16,104 I have, like, a range. I don't... 173 00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:17,627 "What's your range?" "My range is, 174 00:08:17,671 --> 00:08:20,500 "I need you to hate more than two dudes, 175 00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,937 "but not everybody but Jesus." 176 00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:27,028 All in there is me. That's all me in there. 177 00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:30,422 Take backsliders, I love 'em. 178 00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:32,729 [CHUCKLES] 179 00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:35,340 I like me a old trifling... used-to-be-trifling bitch. 180 00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:37,342 I like a... I like... 181 00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:39,606 I like a used-to-be-raggedy bitch. 182 00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,390 That like to garden now. 183 00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:45,176 [CHUCKLES] 184 00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:48,179 I used to fuck mad niggas, 185 00:08:48,223 --> 00:08:50,399 but now I'm out in this backyard all the time. 186 00:08:57,406 --> 00:08:58,625 That's what I'm looking for. 187 00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:03,151 Old gardening ex-former ho. 188 00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:05,588 [LAUGHS] 189 00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:08,330 I'm serious, man. I know... 190 00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:09,723 My priorities are intact, man. 191 00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,638 I just want down on a clean mattress. 192 00:09:12,421 --> 00:09:14,336 Right? 193 00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:16,251 I'm grown up now. I'm a varsity adult. 194 00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:17,905 Where my varsity adults at? 195 00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:20,429 [CROWD CHEERING] 196 00:09:20,472 --> 00:09:22,213 You don't even know if you qualify. 197 00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:24,041 Like if your... if your mattress... 198 00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:26,087 If your bed has a frame, 199 00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:28,002 like, if you can put things under your bed, 200 00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:29,525 you're a varsity adult. 201 00:09:30,874 --> 00:09:32,963 If you got two mattresses on the floor, 202 00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:35,400 you just got two mattresses on the floor. 203 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,534 Like a pair of pancakes with no plate. 204 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,057 Like, nobody eating that. 205 00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:43,365 Nobody... nobody eating your fucking plate-less pan... 206 00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,715 They're not even pancakes, they're just cakes. 207 00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:52,635 I knew I was getting too old to be out here with these young girls 208 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:54,637 when a girl invited me back to her place 209 00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,421 and she had a futon, I refused to fuck her. 210 00:09:56,465 --> 00:09:59,337 I'm like, "Nah. That'd fuck my back up." 211 00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:05,300 I will... I will crack the ribs of your futon. 212 00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:07,171 I will crack... You know, they got them wooden... 213 00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:09,521 I will crack your slats on your futon. 214 00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:12,655 I'm not fuckin' behind that, 'cause, you know, 215 00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:15,092 all my skin, ooze all in between them. 216 00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:17,225 Now I look like a burnt hot dog. 217 00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:18,879 I got all the lines. 218 00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:23,144 Looking like a frank. Not even a hot dog, a frank. 219 00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:28,715 I don't need that. 220 00:10:30,542 --> 00:10:32,806 I need your pictures to have frames in 'em. 221 00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:35,765 Put up a fucking picture with no frame. 222 00:10:35,809 --> 00:10:38,507 What, are you in college still? Get the fuck out of here. 223 00:10:38,550 --> 00:10:41,292 Get the fuck out of here. I will have none of it. 224 00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:44,556 I will have none of it. 225 00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:46,689 [CHUCKLES] 226 00:10:48,517 --> 00:10:50,214 I gotta take mad vitamins. 227 00:10:50,258 --> 00:10:53,087 It look like I'm just eating candy. It's like... 228 00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:55,176 I'm just like this with it now. 229 00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,095 Keep... [CHUCKLES] 230 00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:05,403 Walking around with them shits like they're peanuts, yeah. 231 00:11:10,191 --> 00:11:11,583 I'm in the... 232 00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,585 I'm in the club eating ibuprofen, just... 233 00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,547 "I'm gonna see you, bitch. I'm gonna see you." 234 00:11:21,942 --> 00:11:22,986 [CHUCKLES] 235 00:11:27,425 --> 00:11:29,558 Um, like I said, I don't like young women, I don't like older women. 236 00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:31,516 I like, you know, I like... 237 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,693 I need them in the sweet spot. And I know my sweet spot. 238 00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:36,217 My sweet spot is, like I said, you know, 239 00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:38,045 you got to have a couple of scrapes on your knee 240 00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:41,613 but not need a knee replacement. You understand what I'm sayin'? 241 00:11:41,657 --> 00:11:44,268 Right? Like I need your vagina 242 00:11:44,312 --> 00:11:47,184 to taste less like a margarita and more like a merlot. 243 00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:48,925 "Oh. Oh. 244 00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,100 "Oh, this is... 245 00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:53,495 "Oh. Mm. Mm. 246 00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:55,149 "Mm. This is exquisite, bitch. 247 00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:58,543 "This is... Oh. Bitch, you step on these grapes yourself? 248 00:11:58,587 --> 00:11:59,675 "This is... this is... 249 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,764 "You have any brie? This is amazing." 250 00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:05,246 [CHUCKLES] 251 00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:07,248 "Mm. [CHUCKLES] Mm." 252 00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:11,556 [CONTINUES EXCLAIMING] 253 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,169 "Oh, My God. 254 00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:17,649 "Mm. This is... this is South American, I can tell." 255 00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:23,786 If you're really good... If you're really proficient 256 00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:25,570 at going down on women, you can tell where she's been. 257 00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:27,181 You'll be like, "Mm. Mm, mm. 258 00:12:27,224 --> 00:12:29,400 "Oh, you got a kid in college. This is nice. 259 00:12:31,054 --> 00:12:32,142 "This is nice. 260 00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:34,318 "Congratulations. 261 00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:38,540 "A good year. That's a good year, bitch. 262 00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:41,673 "That's a good year." [LAUGHS] 263 00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:47,288 Yeah, old niggas laugh with their mouth closed. [LAUGHS] 264 00:12:47,331 --> 00:12:49,681 They laugh knowingly, like, "I got you." 265 00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:55,383 Can't be out here chasing women all late at night and shit. 266 00:12:55,426 --> 00:12:57,602 Especially young women. Y'all like to go to five different fuckin' places 267 00:12:57,646 --> 00:12:59,604 in one night like y'all got an album that just came out. 268 00:12:59,648 --> 00:13:00,649 I'm like, "Bitch. 269 00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:06,176 "Where are they going?" "Everywhere." "Shit." 270 00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,224 [CHUCKLES] 271 00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,616 One girl was like, "We going to Philly tonight." 272 00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:14,141 I'm like, "Nigga, it's Brooklyn right now. What? 273 00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:18,493 "You going to Philly tonight?" 274 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:22,105 "Yeah, we're going to get crazy down there." "Let's get crazy right now. 275 00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:24,673 "It's 9:30. Let's get crazy right now. 276 00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:27,545 "I'm at my precipice. 277 00:13:27,589 --> 00:13:29,896 "I'm at my pinnacle right now. This would be the time." 278 00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:33,203 She be talking about, 279 00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:35,902 "Yeah. And then maybe later on, later on, 280 00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,991 "at about four o'clock, we can get into somethin'." 281 00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:41,298 I'm like, "Shit." 282 00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:44,432 I started acting like an old black... "Shit, bitch, is you..." 283 00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:46,434 And so I turn... Real turnaround look... 284 00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:52,875 "Bitch. Bitch, say what? Excuse me? 285 00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:55,182 "Bitch, if you don't get on..." I do the draw back. 286 00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:58,750 Four o'clock? 287 00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:00,883 That's when I wake up for my second piss. 288 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,281 And I sit down for that one. [CHUCKLES] 289 00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:13,417 [GRUNTS SOFTLY] 290 00:14:15,376 --> 00:14:16,638 [SHUDDERS] 291 00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:18,466 Mm. 292 00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,121 It's my second piss. 293 00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:23,210 "Um, bitch..." 294 00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:27,040 The nerve. 295 00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:32,001 Four o'clock she gonna invite me to some possible pussy? 296 00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,569 Possible? 297 00:14:36,049 --> 00:14:37,964 I got shit not to do in the morning, bitch. 298 00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:39,139 I can't be... 299 00:14:40,618 --> 00:14:42,490 I got to get to the farmer's market. 300 00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,844 [CROWD CHEERING] 301 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,759 [LAUGHS] 302 00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:55,024 "Shit." I tell that bitch, "Shit." 303 00:14:58,419 --> 00:15:01,335 I want to be a white man in Midtown on a Wednesday afternoon, 304 00:15:01,378 --> 00:15:04,077 ordering something at Bryant Park and not getting what I want. 305 00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:11,475 [LAUGHS] 306 00:15:14,696 --> 00:15:16,916 I've been working on that joke in the most hooded spots. 307 00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:18,613 They'll be like, "What you say, Nigga?" 308 00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:21,877 "Just stay with the joke, bro." 309 00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:25,098 As soon as I say I want to be a white man... 310 00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:30,059 They didn't even let me get it out. 311 00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:34,803 [CHUCKLES] 312 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,675 I want to be a white man 313 00:15:37,719 --> 00:15:39,590 Wednesday afternoon at Bryant Park, 314 00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:42,245 ordering something and not getting what I want. 315 00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:43,855 Very specific white wish. 316 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:50,862 And I don't want to be a regular white dude, 317 00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:53,300 like y'all are very charming, but that's not what I'm looking for. 318 00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:56,651 Okay? 319 00:15:57,217 --> 00:15:59,132 [CHUCKLES] 320 00:15:59,175 --> 00:16:01,961 You're very lovely, but not what I'm looking for for this particular task. 321 00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:04,267 I'm looking for a white old... 322 00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:06,661 I want to be an old white, jowly face... 323 00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:07,967 [GRUNTING, MUMBLING] 324 00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:15,583 I wanna be a Founding-Father-face-having Ben Franklin... 325 00:16:16,453 --> 00:16:17,977 [GRUNTING, MUMBLING] 326 00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:21,632 Court magistrate with rolls of white hair, powder wig... 327 00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:24,113 [GRUNTING, MUMBLING] 328 00:16:24,157 --> 00:16:25,593 I want to be... [CHUCKLES] 329 00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,682 I want to be an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette-lookin'... 330 00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:30,380 [MIMICS TUNE] 331 00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:34,863 [GRUNTING, MUMBLING] 332 00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:40,260 That's the kind of white dude I want to be. 333 00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:45,743 'Cause those white dudes get to do something nobody, 334 00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:48,268 not even you fine gentlemen, get to do. 335 00:16:49,704 --> 00:16:51,488 They get to be flabbergasted. 336 00:16:51,532 --> 00:16:54,230 Oh. Oh. 337 00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,493 I know I lost some of y'all because you ain't livin' that life. 338 00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:57,799 I know you, you ain't... 339 00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,453 You ain't living that flabbergasted life. 340 00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,368 Let me tell you something, man. 341 00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:04,458 Ooh! I would... I would be really good at being flabbergasted. 342 00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,373 I think I would be sensational 343 00:17:06,416 --> 00:17:08,114 at being flabbergasted. 344 00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:09,637 Oh! 345 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,251 [EXHALES] 346 00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:18,472 And if you don't know what flabbergasted is, 347 00:17:18,515 --> 00:17:20,300 flabbergasted is when you're a white man 348 00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:21,997 of the 1% persuasion 349 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,130 who is so used 350 00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:26,306 to getting things your way 351 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:30,919 99.9% of the time. 352 00:17:30,962 --> 00:17:33,835 And in the one stroke of madness... 353 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,928 someone has the nerve, 354 00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:42,452 the temerity to tell you... 355 00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:46,369 "Rondo, no." 356 00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:49,894 [GASPING] 357 00:17:53,507 --> 00:17:54,986 You start feeling 358 00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:59,034 revulsion and incredulity. 359 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,557 [GASPING] 360 00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:03,169 [GRUNTING, MUMBLING] 361 00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:06,476 "Off with his head!" They threaten you immediately. 362 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,349 You threaten a beheading in 2019, dude. 363 00:18:11,002 --> 00:18:13,135 "Heads will roll!" [GRUNTING, MUMBLING] 364 00:18:13,179 --> 00:18:15,920 "What do you mean, there's no more pastrami?" 365 00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:16,965 [MUMBLING] 366 00:18:19,054 --> 00:18:22,753 Now a dude got to lose his head at Katz's Deli because you 367 00:18:23,711 --> 00:18:25,365 don't have coping skills? 368 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,502 Yeah, that's just what I want. 369 00:18:33,590 --> 00:18:35,201 Sign me up. That's what I want. 370 00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:39,901 'Cause those white men can defeat white cops. 371 00:18:41,903 --> 00:18:44,601 Yeah. I've seen white men cuss white cops out, 372 00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:46,168 you can't tell who got the gun. 373 00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,042 "Yo, yo, yo, yo." 374 00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:52,131 "How dare you..." 375 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:55,090 [GRUNTING, MUMBLING] 376 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,658 White cop just take that shit 'cause he remind him of his daddy. 377 00:18:57,701 --> 00:18:59,964 and that's the reason why he became a cop in the first place. 378 00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:04,143 So he gonna take it. 379 00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:06,145 "Yes, Father. Yes, I understand. Yes." 380 00:19:08,495 --> 00:19:11,106 But I watch that shit like it's the NBA, it's my NBA. 381 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,283 I'm like, "Oh, you see the level of disrespect on his... 382 00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:15,676 "on his... Oh, my God. 383 00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:18,374 "Look how he's living and giving it to the cop. 384 00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:20,202 "Yeah, I want that guy on my fantasy team. 385 00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,378 "He's a magnificent athlete. 386 00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,424 "A magnificent athlete. 387 00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:26,339 "A magnificent athlete. 388 00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:28,776 "I want his sneakers. What kind of sneakers was he wearing?" 389 00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:29,994 "He was wearing air privileges." 390 00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:33,041 "Oh. Oh. 391 00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:35,435 "Oh. Ooh." 392 00:19:36,131 --> 00:19:38,220 [CROWD WHOOPING] 393 00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:40,918 -Ooh. -[CROWD CONTINUES WHOOPING] 394 00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:42,790 [DAVE EXCLAIMING SOFTLY] 395 00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:47,795 "I'mma get me a pair of those." 396 00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:49,231 "No, you can't have a pair of those." 397 00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:51,015 "And why not?" "They only come in white." 398 00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:54,889 [GRUNTING, MUMBLING] 399 00:19:54,932 --> 00:19:56,238 "This is my country." 400 00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:58,371 "How dare you tell me I can't have privileges." 401 00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:01,330 "My people made this country." [GRUNTING, MUMBLING] 402 00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:06,292 [GROWLING SOFTLY] 403 00:20:07,118 --> 00:20:08,511 [GRUNTS] 404 00:20:10,905 --> 00:20:13,386 MAN: Yeah. Yeah. 405 00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:16,215 [CHEERING, WHOOPING] 406 00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,523 Here's the thing. [CHUCKLES] 407 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:24,832 Marriage is a 4,300-year-old institution. 408 00:20:24,875 --> 00:20:27,922 That's what they call it, an institution. 409 00:20:27,965 --> 00:20:30,229 -[MAN LAUGHING] -WOMAN: Institution, huh? 410 00:20:30,272 --> 00:20:32,100 'Cause you can't get out of there 411 00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:33,667 unless somebody come and get you. 412 00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:42,197 "Yo! See you!" 413 00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:46,157 And men get married young. I don't understand. 414 00:20:46,201 --> 00:20:47,768 Why would you get married young? 415 00:20:47,811 --> 00:20:49,900 You get married at the least... the least... 416 00:20:49,944 --> 00:20:51,902 When you have the least amount of equity 417 00:20:51,946 --> 00:20:55,210 and the most amount of lack of control. 418 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:58,082 Self-control. You know, you got the devil in your dick and debt. 419 00:20:58,126 --> 00:20:59,258 How do you think... 420 00:21:00,476 --> 00:21:02,609 How do you think you're gonna fare... 421 00:21:03,784 --> 00:21:04,785 forever? 422 00:21:06,047 --> 00:21:07,135 That hurt y'all? 423 00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:13,707 This is a good time to discuss emotional intelligence. 424 00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:16,927 [CHUCKLES] I feel like people think they're supposed to go to a comedy club 425 00:21:16,971 --> 00:21:19,626 and feel one thing. Joy. 426 00:21:21,541 --> 00:21:22,759 That's not how... 427 00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:25,066 We are miners of this thing called comedy. 428 00:21:25,109 --> 00:21:27,982 We go down into the mine and whatever's down there, 429 00:21:28,025 --> 00:21:30,332 we gotta scoop it, bring it up, 430 00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:32,160 clean it off, and give it to you. 431 00:21:32,203 --> 00:21:33,596 And it ain't pretty down there. 432 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:34,858 [CROWD CLAPPING] 433 00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:35,903 'Cause... 434 00:21:38,209 --> 00:21:41,474 Because that's what life is. 435 00:21:41,517 --> 00:21:44,303 Comedy is a direct reflection of what is going on in the world, 436 00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:46,087 and if you have a problem with comedy, 437 00:21:46,130 --> 00:21:47,393 you ain't gonna make it. 438 00:21:49,743 --> 00:21:51,397 I'm not saying you have to agree 439 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,224 with everything a comic says 440 00:21:53,268 --> 00:21:55,531 or another person, for that matter. 441 00:21:55,575 --> 00:21:59,622 You don't have to agree with everything a person says. 442 00:21:59,666 --> 00:22:01,102 But you do have to let them 443 00:22:01,145 --> 00:22:02,799 finish saying what they were gonna say 444 00:22:02,843 --> 00:22:05,062 before you go into an emotional tailspin. 445 00:22:10,894 --> 00:22:12,635 "I was just thinkin'..." "You were thinkin'? 446 00:22:12,679 --> 00:22:15,072 "What you thinkin'? You ain't supposed to be thinkin'." 447 00:22:18,815 --> 00:22:22,515 "You know what? I was gonna ask you to marry me, but forget it. I don't even... 448 00:22:22,558 --> 00:22:25,518 "You, clearly, it's just not something you're ready for." 449 00:22:27,824 --> 00:22:29,609 People... [SCOFFS] 450 00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:31,959 And, you know, they try to overwhelm you. 451 00:22:32,002 --> 00:22:34,396 Don't let, like, media and all that stuff going on, 452 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,093 like, please detach from your phones 453 00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:37,530 for a little while and be with people. 454 00:22:37,573 --> 00:22:40,620 That'll set your spiritual rhythm back. 455 00:22:40,663 --> 00:22:42,622 It'll set you back on course again. 456 00:22:42,665 --> 00:22:45,102 And, you know, as long as the person isn't too nuts, 457 00:22:45,146 --> 00:22:46,408 and then you guys can 458 00:22:46,452 --> 00:22:48,932 kind of navigate back to the road, you know. 459 00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:50,456 You know. Spend time by yourself. 460 00:22:50,499 --> 00:22:51,761 Spend time nude. 461 00:22:55,243 --> 00:22:57,506 Spend time nude 'cause you can't bullshit yourself 462 00:22:57,550 --> 00:22:59,029 when you see yourself in the mirror, like... 463 00:23:12,478 --> 00:23:14,044 You know, do that and... [CHUCKLES] 464 00:23:14,088 --> 00:23:15,176 "What the fuck is that?" 465 00:23:16,264 --> 00:23:17,918 There'd be a spot right... [SCREAMS] 466 00:23:17,961 --> 00:23:19,615 "I'm dying. No, please." 467 00:23:22,575 --> 00:23:23,793 Let me just say this. 468 00:23:25,665 --> 00:23:29,059 When I got married, I was 27 years old. 469 00:23:29,103 --> 00:23:30,409 I was not ready. 470 00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:33,368 That's it. I just wasn't ready. 471 00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:34,456 I wasn't a fully act... 472 00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:36,980 I wasn't fully grown adult. 473 00:23:37,024 --> 00:23:39,461 I mean, I did some adult... I pantomimed adult. 474 00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:41,115 I pantomimed adult. 475 00:23:42,682 --> 00:23:44,248 But I didn't have a plan. 476 00:23:45,162 --> 00:23:46,381 And if you don't have... 477 00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:48,862 And if you marry a guy without a plan, 478 00:23:49,689 --> 00:23:51,168 it's not gonna work. 479 00:23:52,735 --> 00:23:55,869 That's it. My ex-wife isn't a bad person. 480 00:23:55,912 --> 00:23:57,566 She, you know, we were just young people 481 00:23:57,610 --> 00:23:59,176 running away from whatever we were running away from 482 00:23:59,220 --> 00:24:00,656 and ran smack into each other 483 00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:03,180 and got mad because we ran into each other. 484 00:24:03,224 --> 00:24:04,747 You ever bump into something 485 00:24:04,791 --> 00:24:08,447 and it's nothin', and you manage the thing that it ain't... 486 00:24:08,490 --> 00:24:10,753 "Who gonna put the goddamn couch right here? 487 00:24:12,059 --> 00:24:13,103 "Who the fuck?" 488 00:24:13,147 --> 00:24:15,279 You live alone. "Who the fuck? 489 00:24:17,673 --> 00:24:19,327 "I'mma burn this motherfucker!" 490 00:24:22,025 --> 00:24:23,940 You mad as shit at the couch like it's a real person... 491 00:24:23,984 --> 00:24:25,942 "Like, you conspired to hurt me." 492 00:24:25,986 --> 00:24:27,422 That's how we do the relationship. 493 00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:29,119 You run into people that you ain't ready to be with, 494 00:24:29,163 --> 00:24:30,207 or they're not ready to be with you. 495 00:24:30,251 --> 00:24:31,600 You're literally running into people 496 00:24:31,644 --> 00:24:33,384 from whatever you're running away from. 497 00:24:33,428 --> 00:24:35,517 Right? We hide in our partners. 498 00:24:35,561 --> 00:24:36,649 "Oh, you'll do." 499 00:24:37,606 --> 00:24:39,521 [CHUCKLES] Right? "Ooh. 500 00:24:39,565 --> 00:24:42,219 "You're a nice excuse not to deal with my shit." 501 00:24:45,309 --> 00:24:48,095 I did it. I did that bitch-ass shit. 502 00:24:48,138 --> 00:24:49,836 Right? And I'm good now. 503 00:24:49,879 --> 00:24:51,533 I could go without nobody. 504 00:24:51,577 --> 00:24:55,058 I could honestly be with nobody and be happy for about a year. 505 00:25:05,112 --> 00:25:06,940 I mean it. 506 00:25:06,983 --> 00:25:09,377 I tried it. I was like, "Ooh, I get to keep all the toilet paper." 507 00:25:11,292 --> 00:25:12,598 [CHUCKLES] 508 00:25:12,641 --> 00:25:15,514 Do you know much toilet paper women consume? 509 00:25:19,605 --> 00:25:22,564 Oh, that year I was single, I was killin' the toilet paper game. 510 00:25:22,608 --> 00:25:24,871 I bought one kilo. That shit lasted... 511 00:25:29,702 --> 00:25:31,225 Oh. 512 00:25:31,268 --> 00:25:33,793 Colombians called me, "Hey, man, you still in the game?" 513 00:25:33,836 --> 00:25:35,795 "Yeah, I don't need nothing, dawg. I'm good." 514 00:25:37,753 --> 00:25:39,712 [CHUCKLES] 515 00:25:39,755 --> 00:25:42,671 You know that Colombian had an old cell phone. This is the old... 516 00:25:43,716 --> 00:25:45,500 He had the Zack Morris cell phone. 517 00:25:47,197 --> 00:25:48,198 [CHUCKLES] 518 00:25:50,244 --> 00:25:53,595 What? Then I started dating a woman I'm with now, 519 00:25:53,639 --> 00:25:56,642 and I've seen her do this shit with the toilet paper. 520 00:25:58,992 --> 00:26:01,560 She started molly-whopping with my toilet paper. 521 00:26:05,999 --> 00:26:08,610 I said, "Bitch, are you a mummy? What the fuck is..." 522 00:26:13,267 --> 00:26:14,834 [CHUCKLES] 523 00:26:14,877 --> 00:26:16,531 "Why are you..." "'Cause I need it." 524 00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:18,272 "You need it for what? Are you hemorrhaging? Why are you... 525 00:26:19,490 --> 00:26:21,014 "Why are you using so much toilet paper?" 526 00:26:21,057 --> 00:26:23,582 "'Cause I, you know, I peed." 527 00:26:25,366 --> 00:26:27,368 "But you didn't get shot. Why are you... 528 00:26:28,761 --> 00:26:31,154 "You need some gauze, bitch. That's what you need. 529 00:26:32,678 --> 00:26:34,418 "You need drawers made out of gauze. 530 00:26:34,462 --> 00:26:35,898 "That's what the fuck you need. 531 00:26:38,074 --> 00:26:39,336 "That's three-ply." 532 00:26:42,296 --> 00:26:43,514 You know, it's hard to find three-ply. 533 00:26:43,558 --> 00:26:46,039 I don't like four-ply. Clog up your toilet. 534 00:26:49,259 --> 00:26:50,260 [CHUCKLES] 535 00:26:51,871 --> 00:26:54,264 You'll be like... [MIMICS FLUSHING] "Oh, this bitch." 536 00:26:57,137 --> 00:26:59,356 Every time she come over... [MIMICS FLUSHING] 537 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:00,444 "Oh, boy." 538 00:27:02,490 --> 00:27:03,970 [EXHALES] 539 00:27:04,013 --> 00:27:05,711 Marriage is a business. 540 00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:08,365 Relationships are a business. 541 00:27:08,409 --> 00:27:10,063 You find somebody 542 00:27:10,106 --> 00:27:13,936 with goals that align with your goals 543 00:27:13,980 --> 00:27:17,200 just like you do jobs that you look for. 544 00:27:17,244 --> 00:27:20,334 You don't see a job in newspaper and go, 545 00:27:20,377 --> 00:27:22,597 "Oh, I love that job. 546 00:27:24,077 --> 00:27:26,906 "I want to work there for free for a year." 547 00:27:29,952 --> 00:27:34,043 This job pays the money I need for my goals. 548 00:27:34,087 --> 00:27:37,177 And it's worth the things they want me to do. 549 00:27:37,220 --> 00:27:38,744 Then you go and research 550 00:27:38,787 --> 00:27:41,050 the things you're supposed to lie about in the interview. 551 00:27:45,576 --> 00:27:50,059 Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, okay. Okay. 552 00:27:51,234 --> 00:27:52,975 "Mm. I'mma get their ass. I'mma... 553 00:27:53,019 --> 00:27:55,978 "Ooh, I'mma trick their ass. Ooh, I'mma kill it. 554 00:27:56,022 --> 00:27:58,502 "Ooh, I'mma kill it. Mm. 555 00:27:58,546 --> 00:28:01,810 "It's gonna be my special. Watch. Mm. 556 00:28:01,854 --> 00:28:04,726 "Like, this interview gonna be my special. Uh-huh. 557 00:28:04,770 --> 00:28:06,467 "I'mma lay their ass out." 558 00:28:06,510 --> 00:28:09,165 Get there and say all that shit you know they want you to hear. 559 00:28:10,645 --> 00:28:13,822 And you don't know, but the job is, like, bankrupt, 560 00:28:13,866 --> 00:28:16,782 ain't had paying motherfucking clients, customers. 561 00:28:16,825 --> 00:28:18,958 They ain't paying the employees. 562 00:28:19,001 --> 00:28:20,699 They're tryin' to get your ass, too. 563 00:28:23,876 --> 00:28:25,791 They're like, "Come on." You... 564 00:28:25,834 --> 00:28:28,489 I think you should approach relationships the way you approach your job. 565 00:28:28,532 --> 00:28:31,448 "Hey, man, listen. I like you. 566 00:28:31,492 --> 00:28:32,711 "I like how you dressed. 567 00:28:36,236 --> 00:28:39,108 "I was thinking, uh, 568 00:28:39,152 --> 00:28:41,154 "sex four to five times a week. 569 00:28:45,462 --> 00:28:46,942 "Especially when it rains. 570 00:28:46,986 --> 00:28:49,466 "Uh, are you a team player? 571 00:28:49,510 --> 00:28:51,207 "'Cause I got kids from other people." 572 00:29:02,958 --> 00:29:05,004 [CROWD CLAPPING] 573 00:29:09,269 --> 00:29:12,489 "And you can have the evenings off 'cause I work at night, so... 574 00:29:14,753 --> 00:29:16,015 "What do you think?" 575 00:29:16,058 --> 00:29:17,494 And then she makes a proposal. 576 00:29:18,278 --> 00:29:20,062 "Uh, go down on you... 577 00:29:21,020 --> 00:29:22,412 "three times a month. 578 00:29:24,327 --> 00:29:25,676 "Even when it rains. 579 00:29:33,946 --> 00:29:36,165 "I mean, look at me." 580 00:29:36,209 --> 00:29:37,819 [CHUCKLES] 581 00:29:37,863 --> 00:29:40,082 "I'm young." [CHUCKLES] 582 00:29:40,126 --> 00:29:42,345 "Good enough. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it." 583 00:29:42,389 --> 00:29:44,130 And then you got the nerve to blame them. 584 00:29:46,175 --> 00:29:50,484 You... you... with your lack of equity-ass, 585 00:29:50,527 --> 00:29:53,313 said, "Oh, I'm gonna hide out over there." 586 00:29:53,356 --> 00:29:55,619 And then you were like, "He ain't shit either." 587 00:29:55,663 --> 00:29:58,231 You mad because you went to a used-car salesman, 588 00:29:58,274 --> 00:30:00,189 he sold you a relationship lemon... 589 00:30:02,888 --> 00:30:05,455 and you tried to pay him with counterfeit money. 590 00:30:07,283 --> 00:30:10,373 You deserve each other. You deserve each other. 591 00:30:13,986 --> 00:30:15,465 [CHUCKLES] 592 00:30:15,509 --> 00:30:17,816 "Why does he do..." 'Cause you ain't shit either. 593 00:30:19,905 --> 00:30:21,863 Get you a deal. Get the deal you want. 594 00:30:21,907 --> 00:30:25,301 And if you ain't ready... Be honest if you ain't got the money yet. 595 00:30:25,345 --> 00:30:27,913 Be like, "I ain't got it. 596 00:30:27,956 --> 00:30:31,133 "But I think if we work together, we can get it." 597 00:30:31,177 --> 00:30:33,353 They'll be like, "All right, cool, that's fair." That's fair. 598 00:30:33,396 --> 00:30:34,963 Give them the chance, the option 599 00:30:35,007 --> 00:30:38,010 of going, "You know what? I'll invest." 600 00:30:38,053 --> 00:30:40,926 'Cause somebody in every relationship is the investor. 601 00:30:40,969 --> 00:30:42,797 The other person is the fucking grantor. 602 00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:44,364 Like, this person's like, "Oh..." 603 00:30:46,714 --> 00:30:47,976 [CHUCKLES] 604 00:30:50,196 --> 00:30:52,763 And it's not just the women anymore neither, niggas. 605 00:30:55,201 --> 00:30:58,030 Women getting that paper out here now. So now niggas is like... 606 00:31:02,948 --> 00:31:04,166 "I'll put up a shelf." 607 00:31:06,429 --> 00:31:08,954 I'll get married. But I'm gonna get my... 608 00:31:08,997 --> 00:31:10,303 I'm gonna hit my points. 609 00:31:10,346 --> 00:31:13,132 I'm gonna get my agenda in there. 610 00:31:13,175 --> 00:31:15,917 I'm going to have annual salary reviews. 611 00:31:21,923 --> 00:31:24,578 "It's coming up on that time, baby. 612 00:31:24,621 --> 00:31:27,886 "And I wrote you up three times last year for non-compliance. 613 00:31:33,674 --> 00:31:36,155 "You ain't want to be on top. What can I say? You... 614 00:31:37,156 --> 00:31:38,157 "you... 615 00:31:38,809 --> 00:31:40,246 "you underperformed. 616 00:31:43,510 --> 00:31:46,556 "I don't think I want to renew this contract. I don't think that..." 617 00:31:48,384 --> 00:31:50,082 And conversely, if you have a great year, 618 00:31:50,125 --> 00:31:52,171 "Hey, hey, you know what? 619 00:31:52,214 --> 00:31:54,782 "That time you did that thing what you did, and you pulled it through my legs 620 00:31:54,825 --> 00:31:56,653 "and you did it the other side... 621 00:31:58,568 --> 00:31:59,918 "that was sensational. 622 00:32:03,008 --> 00:32:05,010 "I think that we... 623 00:32:05,053 --> 00:32:06,881 "I think not only do I want to renew it, but I want to give you a bonus." 624 00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:07,926 "I want to... 625 00:32:10,145 --> 00:32:11,364 [CHUCKLES] 626 00:32:11,407 --> 00:32:13,279 "I want to try that in Puerto Rico." 627 00:32:18,153 --> 00:32:20,025 Get what you want, you know. 628 00:32:21,417 --> 00:32:23,028 Sex is a big part of it. 629 00:32:23,071 --> 00:32:26,118 It's... it's... it's the fucking lubricant of the relationship. 630 00:32:26,161 --> 00:32:28,947 You got to be doing it. You got to be doing it. 631 00:32:28,990 --> 00:32:30,296 And if you ain't doing it, 632 00:32:31,210 --> 00:32:32,559 somebody's doing it. 633 00:32:41,437 --> 00:32:43,004 It might not be you. 634 00:32:44,614 --> 00:32:46,529 It's a new world. You can get whatever deal... 635 00:32:46,573 --> 00:32:48,053 You can get whatever deal you want. 636 00:32:48,096 --> 00:32:50,794 You want an open relationship, have one. You like... 637 00:32:50,838 --> 00:32:53,101 You know, you want to have the summers off, fuck it. 638 00:32:53,797 --> 00:32:55,190 Have the summers off. 639 00:32:55,234 --> 00:32:57,584 From June 30th to August 31st, 640 00:32:57,627 --> 00:33:00,152 fuck whoever you want. 641 00:33:00,195 --> 00:33:02,981 And then write essays about it and exchange papers. 642 00:33:04,939 --> 00:33:07,376 I know who you did last summer. You know, just... 643 00:33:13,382 --> 00:33:15,428 People say they... Motherfuckers say they wouldn't. 644 00:33:15,471 --> 00:33:17,125 I was in an open relationship for a little bit. 645 00:33:17,169 --> 00:33:18,648 It was great when I was winnin'. 646 00:33:23,044 --> 00:33:26,308 "You sure? You don't want none? I'm gonna go get me some. Yeah?" 647 00:33:29,790 --> 00:33:31,009 And one day I walked in 648 00:33:31,052 --> 00:33:33,054 and this bitch was getting sawed in half. 649 00:33:34,099 --> 00:33:36,449 [MIMICS SAWING NOISES] 650 00:33:36,492 --> 00:33:38,712 Like a magician. [MIMICS SAWING NOISES] 651 00:33:38,755 --> 00:33:40,583 And then the nigga pulled her apart. 652 00:33:47,199 --> 00:33:48,939 [CROWD WHOOPING, CHEERING] 653 00:34:02,475 --> 00:34:04,520 "I think I'll be in the kitchen sorting spices 654 00:34:04,564 --> 00:34:06,218 "and my emotions, just... 655 00:34:09,438 --> 00:34:10,874 "Who put the cumin right here? 656 00:34:12,441 --> 00:34:15,053 "Who put the cumin right here? The cumin goes over here!" 657 00:34:21,929 --> 00:34:22,930 [CHUCKLES] 658 00:34:24,975 --> 00:34:26,194 "Everybody got to leave! 659 00:34:28,892 --> 00:34:30,372 "Fuckin' up my spices." 660 00:34:34,246 --> 00:34:36,813 You say you want an open relationship, but you don't really... 661 00:34:36,857 --> 00:34:39,468 [MUMBLING] 662 00:34:39,512 --> 00:34:41,949 'Cause in theory, I didn't know the motherfucker, 663 00:34:41,992 --> 00:34:44,299 I didn't see the motherfucker. It was happening, it was cool. 664 00:34:44,343 --> 00:34:45,822 But when you see it... 665 00:34:49,565 --> 00:34:51,437 That nigga... And... 666 00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:54,004 and then he was getting the part of the pussy I save for the holidays. 667 00:34:54,744 --> 00:34:56,485 The upper pussy. 668 00:34:56,529 --> 00:34:57,530 The upper... 669 00:34:58,226 --> 00:35:00,054 Up in there. 670 00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:02,056 Yeah. Women got extra pussy, fellas. 671 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,058 Some of y'all don't know about it. But they got... 672 00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:08,193 they got holiday home pussy up in a... 673 00:35:08,236 --> 00:35:10,847 And this nigga was getting my holiday snatch. I was like... 674 00:35:12,849 --> 00:35:15,243 "This motherfucker rude. 675 00:35:16,636 --> 00:35:17,941 "Oh." 676 00:35:20,466 --> 00:35:21,684 [EXHALES] 677 00:35:24,861 --> 00:35:26,167 You don't mind him in the living room, 678 00:35:26,211 --> 00:35:28,082 but you don't want him up in the den. 679 00:35:32,347 --> 00:35:34,306 Ego will ruin a lot of relationships. 680 00:35:34,349 --> 00:35:37,091 Ego. You got to control that shit. 681 00:35:37,135 --> 00:35:40,616 You know. Ego will have you asking some silly shit. 682 00:35:40,660 --> 00:35:42,096 Ego will have you asking some shit like, 683 00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:44,272 "Am I the best person you ever been with sexually?" 684 00:35:46,405 --> 00:35:48,755 "Why would you say that? Why would you... 685 00:35:48,798 --> 00:35:50,148 "Why would you put me in that position?" 686 00:35:50,191 --> 00:35:51,149 No! 687 00:35:52,541 --> 00:35:54,152 Start telling these motherfuckers "no." 688 00:35:54,195 --> 00:35:56,154 Start saying, "No. Absolutely not." 689 00:35:56,197 --> 00:35:58,243 Why do you think I'm with you? 690 00:35:58,286 --> 00:36:00,767 Because I can't be with them. 691 00:36:05,467 --> 00:36:06,773 I would have been with them. 692 00:36:10,429 --> 00:36:12,431 Everybody in here know it. 693 00:36:12,474 --> 00:36:15,651 Everybody here know you're not with the person you really want to be with. 694 00:36:15,695 --> 00:36:18,045 The person who you've had the most best 695 00:36:18,088 --> 00:36:21,527 amazing universal sex with, you can't be with 696 00:36:21,570 --> 00:36:23,790 because that person isn't good for you. 697 00:36:25,879 --> 00:36:27,924 That person will destroy you. 698 00:36:29,665 --> 00:36:31,101 Indirectly. 699 00:36:33,843 --> 00:36:36,368 You will just keep fucking that person until you pass away. 700 00:36:36,411 --> 00:36:38,326 You won't eat, you won't sleep, you just... 701 00:36:42,852 --> 00:36:43,984 Three days later... 702 00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,858 You'll just kill... You'll just... 703 00:36:50,904 --> 00:36:52,427 You'll just keep going. 704 00:36:52,471 --> 00:36:55,822 Here's the thing. You think you can possess that person. 705 00:36:55,865 --> 00:36:58,085 You're not supposed to be with that person. 706 00:37:00,783 --> 00:37:03,525 And here's why. Because that's not even a real person. 707 00:37:05,484 --> 00:37:07,007 Everybody keep thinking back to the person 708 00:37:07,050 --> 00:37:09,488 they had the best ever sex with, that mother... 709 00:37:09,531 --> 00:37:11,272 You didn't even meet the person in a normal way 710 00:37:11,316 --> 00:37:13,840 you meet a normal person. You didn't even meet them in the... 711 00:37:13,883 --> 00:37:16,756 You met them and you fucked them in the bathroom or somewhere weird. 712 00:37:18,323 --> 00:37:19,976 You didn't meet them under regular terms. 713 00:37:20,020 --> 00:37:22,022 You haven't seen them eat before. 714 00:37:22,065 --> 00:37:23,980 They're not real people. They're not... 715 00:37:25,504 --> 00:37:28,594 They are celestial beings that come down to earth... 716 00:37:29,769 --> 00:37:31,553 and fuck you twice. 717 00:37:34,948 --> 00:37:36,819 You fucked him on a lifeguard chair 718 00:37:36,863 --> 00:37:39,344 at four o'clock in the morning on Coney Island Beach... 719 00:37:40,519 --> 00:37:43,348 in 2013. 720 00:37:43,391 --> 00:37:45,263 And then the nigga went back into the ocean, 721 00:37:45,306 --> 00:37:46,873 never to be seen again. 722 00:37:52,095 --> 00:37:53,706 That nigga was a sex angel! 723 00:37:55,534 --> 00:37:57,579 You can't possess a sex angel. 724 00:38:01,888 --> 00:38:03,237 You're a fool! 725 00:38:05,152 --> 00:38:08,111 Sex angel is just like cocaine. Have some. 726 00:38:09,548 --> 00:38:10,723 Have a bump. 727 00:38:12,246 --> 00:38:14,030 Sex angel is for everybody. 728 00:38:16,381 --> 00:38:18,470 They'll be like, "Why? Why is sex so good 729 00:38:18,513 --> 00:38:20,080 "but his life's so bad?" 730 00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:25,564 I'll tell you why the sex angel... Why they're here. 731 00:38:25,607 --> 00:38:26,695 Why they taking residency on Earth. 732 00:38:26,739 --> 00:38:29,742 I'll tell you why the sex is so good 733 00:38:29,785 --> 00:38:32,179 and their lives are so bad. 734 00:38:32,222 --> 00:38:35,182 'Cause they don't work. They don't have stress. 735 00:38:35,878 --> 00:38:39,317 So, when they're... 736 00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:41,536 How should we say it? When they just waiting around, 737 00:38:41,580 --> 00:38:42,755 like, when you're at work, 738 00:38:42,798 --> 00:38:47,150 they're not concerned. 739 00:38:47,194 --> 00:38:50,197 They're just sitting around. And all that lack of stress 740 00:38:51,024 --> 00:38:52,330 travels down... 741 00:38:53,418 --> 00:38:55,115 and collects in this area. 742 00:38:56,290 --> 00:38:58,814 Oh, it builds up. 743 00:38:58,858 --> 00:39:01,339 And when you get home with your nine to five genitals... 744 00:39:02,122 --> 00:39:04,037 [SCREAMS] 745 00:39:06,213 --> 00:39:07,475 [SHUDDERS] 746 00:39:12,393 --> 00:39:14,961 Emotional intelligence, right? 747 00:39:15,004 --> 00:39:16,702 You've got to allow people to figure it out. 748 00:39:16,745 --> 00:39:19,531 Men, as much as I like to sit here and tell women or tell you 749 00:39:19,574 --> 00:39:20,793 how to deal with your woman, 750 00:39:20,836 --> 00:39:22,447 you have to give your woman room to sort, 751 00:39:22,490 --> 00:39:23,796 and she has to give you room. 752 00:39:23,839 --> 00:39:25,667 We both have very different processes, 753 00:39:25,711 --> 00:39:28,888 and we have to respect... We have to respect each other's processes. 754 00:39:28,931 --> 00:39:31,804 Respect how a woman comes up and sorts emotionally. 755 00:39:31,847 --> 00:39:33,936 She does that through conversation, 756 00:39:33,980 --> 00:39:36,112 through talking through her feelings, 757 00:39:36,156 --> 00:39:38,941 because everything's a feeling, she has to label everything, "This, this, this." 758 00:39:38,985 --> 00:39:41,466 It's like, you know, you have to allow her to do that. 759 00:39:41,509 --> 00:39:43,119 A lot of men complain that women talk too much. 760 00:39:43,163 --> 00:39:44,686 No, they're just trying to get through it. 761 00:39:44,730 --> 00:39:46,906 And women claim that men don't talk enough. 762 00:39:46,949 --> 00:39:48,908 That's 'cause we sit... We silently 763 00:39:48,951 --> 00:39:50,866 sort through our feelings. 764 00:39:50,910 --> 00:39:52,999 We need to have our hand in our pants, touching our dick a little bit. 765 00:39:55,218 --> 00:39:56,263 To sort. 766 00:39:58,526 --> 00:40:01,181 [MIMICS DINGING] 767 00:40:02,225 --> 00:40:03,444 And women are like... [MUMBLING] 768 00:40:03,488 --> 00:40:06,665 Mimosas... [MUMBLING] Coffee... [MUMBLING] 769 00:40:08,275 --> 00:40:11,104 Cheese sandwiches... [MUMBLING] And that's... 770 00:40:11,147 --> 00:40:12,975 You got to respect each other's processes. 771 00:40:13,019 --> 00:40:15,238 There's nothing wrong with somebody talking through their shit. 772 00:40:15,282 --> 00:40:17,937 And when your woman come and want to talk to you, respect that. 773 00:40:17,980 --> 00:40:20,287 Respect the fact that she doesn't really want to talk to you, 774 00:40:20,330 --> 00:40:21,506 she wants, um... 775 00:40:21,549 --> 00:40:23,508 She wants a conversational spotter. 776 00:40:28,513 --> 00:40:29,905 She don't want you to lift the weights. 777 00:40:29,949 --> 00:40:31,298 No, she gonna lift the weights. 778 00:40:31,341 --> 00:40:33,039 You just have to stand behind her... 779 00:40:34,693 --> 00:40:36,477 while she putting in that work. 780 00:40:36,521 --> 00:40:40,046 "Oh, these bitches at work are getting on my motherfucking nerves." 781 00:40:42,875 --> 00:40:46,444 "Go on." "Well, it's just that..." 782 00:40:49,534 --> 00:40:50,578 [EXHALES] 783 00:40:51,971 --> 00:40:55,365 [EXHALES] "Little bitch fucked my money up again." 784 00:40:56,976 --> 00:40:59,152 "Who?" 785 00:40:59,195 --> 00:41:03,025 "That bitch in accounting! What's her name? Uh..." 786 00:41:03,069 --> 00:41:06,899 "You mean Barbara?" "Yeah, Barbara! Barbara! 787 00:41:06,942 --> 00:41:09,162 "Barbara fucked my money up again! 788 00:41:10,816 --> 00:41:12,644 "I know that bitch don't like me." 789 00:41:18,127 --> 00:41:19,694 Clink, clink. And then what you do? You know. 790 00:41:19,738 --> 00:41:22,697 And then, ladies, when you... [LAUGHS] 791 00:41:22,741 --> 00:41:24,917 When you want your man to respond... 792 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:26,440 'Cause I really think, fellas... 793 00:41:26,484 --> 00:41:29,182 We're action-oriented creatures, so we're fixers. 794 00:41:29,225 --> 00:41:31,706 So when a woman is in distress, we want to fix it, 795 00:41:31,750 --> 00:41:33,665 but sometimes she just needs you to be, like, 796 00:41:33,708 --> 00:41:36,058 "Word, that's crazy." Like, she don't... 797 00:41:36,102 --> 00:41:39,148 But then, sometimes, ladies, you want us to take action, 798 00:41:39,192 --> 00:41:40,802 and you have to know how to activate us. 799 00:41:40,846 --> 00:41:42,761 And how you activate us is, you say, 800 00:41:42,804 --> 00:41:44,284 "Baby, I need you to." 801 00:41:44,327 --> 00:41:45,590 If you say that... 802 00:41:48,070 --> 00:41:50,812 And you came, like, "What you need to do... 803 00:41:50,856 --> 00:41:52,510 "what you need." Oh. 804 00:41:52,553 --> 00:41:54,468 And my ex-wife used to kill me with the "What you need to do." 805 00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:57,340 My dick goes right up into my body. I'm not... 806 00:41:57,384 --> 00:41:59,125 [GROANS SOFTLY] 807 00:41:59,168 --> 00:42:00,996 [WHIMPERING] "I'm not doing nothing.' 808 00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:02,781 [WHIMPERING] 809 00:42:02,824 --> 00:42:04,434 No good. 810 00:42:04,478 --> 00:42:06,524 But if she said... If you use that same voice 811 00:42:06,567 --> 00:42:09,048 you used to get us, like, "Baby, I need you to..." 812 00:42:09,091 --> 00:42:10,266 We're gonna be like... 813 00:42:11,746 --> 00:42:12,921 "Do what?" 814 00:42:14,793 --> 00:42:16,359 "I will do anything." 815 00:42:18,187 --> 00:42:20,450 "Kill Barbara." "Kill Barbara. 816 00:42:20,494 --> 00:42:21,887 "Kill Barbara." 817 00:42:21,930 --> 00:42:23,453 [MIMICS FRANKENSTEIN TUNE] 818 00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:32,593 [CHUCKLES] 819 00:42:32,637 --> 00:42:36,902 That nigga... [LAUGHS] 820 00:42:36,945 --> 00:42:38,730 She'll be like, "Why is Barbara getting choked the..." 821 00:42:38,773 --> 00:42:41,471 [MIMICS FRANKENSTEIN TUNE] 822 00:42:41,515 --> 00:42:43,996 "Get this Boris Karloff-looking nigga off of me." 823 00:42:44,039 --> 00:42:45,911 [MIMICS FRANKENSTEIN TUNE] 824 00:42:49,262 --> 00:42:51,525 "This Mary Shelley motherfucker outta here. Like..." 825 00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:54,180 [LAUGHS] 826 00:42:56,574 --> 00:42:59,446 And fellas, you got to know how to give your woman a bounce pass 827 00:42:59,489 --> 00:43:03,145 when she's trying to sort emotionally. You got to be like... 828 00:43:03,189 --> 00:43:04,756 You got to say some smooth shit, like, 829 00:43:04,799 --> 00:43:06,409 "And how did that make you feel?" 830 00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:09,891 And you've got to sell it. 831 00:43:11,632 --> 00:43:12,894 Tilt your head a little bit. 832 00:43:12,938 --> 00:43:14,504 "And how does that make you feel? 833 00:43:15,418 --> 00:43:16,637 "Get the fuck out of here." 834 00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:20,946 That's the bounce pass. 835 00:43:20,989 --> 00:43:22,643 That's all they want to do, is make their point. 836 00:43:24,036 --> 00:43:25,864 You know, you bounce pass, they lay their point up, 837 00:43:25,907 --> 00:43:27,430 and then their coochie coins just come out. 838 00:43:27,474 --> 00:43:31,086 [MIMICS DINGING] 839 00:43:31,130 --> 00:43:32,697 "Ooh, this is a threesome. Ooh. 840 00:43:33,872 --> 00:43:36,309 "A threesome. I'mma keep this one. 841 00:43:36,352 --> 00:43:37,615 "Save it for Puerto Rico." 842 00:43:40,618 --> 00:43:41,619 [CHUCKLES] 843 00:43:42,924 --> 00:43:44,360 But I got... I got three sons, 844 00:43:44,404 --> 00:43:47,189 and I guess that I'm... I'm aware of them. 845 00:43:47,233 --> 00:43:49,409 I'm aware of what they need. 846 00:43:49,452 --> 00:43:51,759 My 12-year-old son has autism, 847 00:43:51,803 --> 00:43:53,195 which is not funny. 848 00:43:53,239 --> 00:43:54,501 And don't get weird 849 00:43:54,544 --> 00:43:55,937 because he's really good-looking. 850 00:43:57,330 --> 00:43:59,811 He's magnificent. He's very lovely. 851 00:43:59,854 --> 00:44:01,682 All the kids are good-looking, but he has, 852 00:44:01,726 --> 00:44:04,163 like, Maxwell hair. Like it's very... 853 00:44:04,206 --> 00:44:05,947 First album. Not like yesterday. 854 00:44:08,341 --> 00:44:09,734 He's amazing. He's great, 855 00:44:09,777 --> 00:44:11,431 he's good-looking, and you can hardly tell. 856 00:44:11,474 --> 00:44:14,347 You can hardly tell he has autism. You know, he passes. 857 00:44:15,478 --> 00:44:17,089 He has light-skin autism. 858 00:44:20,222 --> 00:44:21,876 -There's a range. -WOMAN: Yeah. 859 00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:23,791 There's a range of autism. 860 00:44:23,835 --> 00:44:25,358 There's Wesley Snipes... 861 00:44:27,839 --> 00:44:28,883 where... 862 00:44:29,797 --> 00:44:32,278 you have a language barrier, 863 00:44:32,321 --> 00:44:35,150 your mind processes things differently. 864 00:44:35,194 --> 00:44:37,457 you have physical limitations with coordination 865 00:44:37,500 --> 00:44:39,720 and awkward social interaction. 866 00:44:39,764 --> 00:44:43,289 Then there's Drake autism. 867 00:44:43,332 --> 00:44:45,987 The Drake autism, you just, you know, 868 00:44:46,031 --> 00:44:47,597 make your B's backwards and have trouble 869 00:44:47,641 --> 00:44:49,512 tying your shoe, that's all it really is. 870 00:44:51,514 --> 00:44:53,212 My son got Drake autism. 871 00:44:54,779 --> 00:44:55,780 And that's fine. 872 00:44:56,868 --> 00:44:58,696 We don't... We dress him really nice. 873 00:44:59,392 --> 00:45:00,741 Like, in tuxedos. 874 00:45:03,004 --> 00:45:06,051 Y'all not even... None of you know why you mad at me for saying that. 875 00:45:06,094 --> 00:45:07,922 I tell you, we dress him in tuxedos 876 00:45:07,966 --> 00:45:10,751 'cause Black people have a way of dealing with mentally-ill kids. 877 00:45:10,795 --> 00:45:13,058 They like to dress 'em in terrible clothes. 878 00:45:15,625 --> 00:45:18,019 Stop dressing your fucking slow kids 879 00:45:18,063 --> 00:45:20,239 in fucked up outfits. 880 00:45:20,282 --> 00:45:21,631 Wondering why nobody don't like him. 881 00:45:21,675 --> 00:45:23,764 "Why does he have so much social anxiety?" 882 00:45:23,808 --> 00:45:26,114 'Cause you got him dressed in a Newport sweat suit. 883 00:45:28,464 --> 00:45:29,988 Looking like he just came home. 884 00:45:34,209 --> 00:45:36,342 "Your son is socially awkward." 885 00:45:38,344 --> 00:45:40,433 [CHUCKLES] So we dress him in a tuxedo, 886 00:45:40,476 --> 00:45:42,000 he gets tons of respect in school. 887 00:45:42,043 --> 00:45:45,786 Oh, they love him in school. Oh, he's the man. 888 00:45:45,830 --> 00:45:49,094 They think he's artistic. He comes to school, 889 00:45:49,137 --> 00:45:51,444 do what the fuck he want. Write on the fucking walls 890 00:45:51,487 --> 00:45:53,533 like a badly-behaved Basquiat. 891 00:45:55,665 --> 00:45:58,016 He killin' it. He killin' it. 892 00:46:00,018 --> 00:46:01,149 He's doing well. 893 00:46:03,325 --> 00:46:04,979 [CHUCKLES] 894 00:46:05,023 --> 00:46:07,677 We don't have a problem with him having autism. 895 00:46:07,721 --> 00:46:10,158 We have a problem with the fact that he knows that we know 896 00:46:10,202 --> 00:46:11,551 that he has autism. 897 00:46:12,378 --> 00:46:13,945 And he milks it. 898 00:46:14,815 --> 00:46:17,078 Oh, he milks it well. 899 00:46:17,122 --> 00:46:18,819 He knows how to, you know. 900 00:46:18,863 --> 00:46:21,735 He uses it like a power to get out of shit. 901 00:46:21,779 --> 00:46:25,565 Other day, I saw him, like, you know, any given day. 902 00:46:25,608 --> 00:46:28,350 Kids over here doing their thing. My three sons over here doing their thing. 903 00:46:29,830 --> 00:46:31,745 Just doing kid shit. 904 00:46:31,789 --> 00:46:34,226 Eighteen, 15, 12. They over there doing their thing. 905 00:46:34,269 --> 00:46:35,749 I'm like, "Hey, in five minutes, 906 00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:37,490 "we're gonna clean up, do some chores, 907 00:46:37,533 --> 00:46:38,926 "get ready for the next activity." 908 00:46:38,970 --> 00:46:40,406 I give my kids time, 909 00:46:40,449 --> 00:46:42,060 that buffer time, that five minutes time 910 00:46:42,103 --> 00:46:43,931 to adapt and adjust 911 00:46:43,975 --> 00:46:45,585 so that there's a smooth transition. 912 00:46:45,628 --> 00:46:47,326 Especially kids with autism. 913 00:46:47,369 --> 00:46:48,893 You need to give 'em that. 914 00:46:48,936 --> 00:46:52,070 Everybody else adapts, except for him. 915 00:46:52,113 --> 00:46:55,203 Five minutes, I come back later, he's still doing the same shit. 916 00:46:55,247 --> 00:46:56,988 I'm like, "Hey, hey, man. We gotta... 917 00:46:57,031 --> 00:46:58,859 "We gonna do something else." 918 00:46:58,903 --> 00:46:59,860 "Can't do it." 919 00:47:01,906 --> 00:47:03,951 "What?" "I can't do it. 920 00:47:03,995 --> 00:47:06,824 "I can't do it. I can't... I'm not doing that." 921 00:47:06,867 --> 00:47:08,260 "And why not?" "'Cause... 922 00:47:08,303 --> 00:47:09,914 "'cause my autism is flaring up." 923 00:47:13,091 --> 00:47:14,440 "What?" 924 00:47:14,483 --> 00:47:16,529 "Yeah, my autism. Look, my autism is... 925 00:47:18,444 --> 00:47:20,141 "It's fucking up. I can't..." 926 00:47:22,883 --> 00:47:24,885 I said, "Excuse me." "Yeah, look at autism-y leg. 927 00:47:24,929 --> 00:47:26,756 "Look at the... I can't... I can't... 928 00:47:27,583 --> 00:47:28,758 "My autism-y leg 929 00:47:28,802 --> 00:47:31,326 "Autism-y up my whole side, autised up. 930 00:47:31,979 --> 00:47:33,459 "It's autists. 931 00:47:35,417 --> 00:47:37,158 "It's autists." 932 00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:41,423 I said, "You motherfucker, that's multiple sclerosis. 933 00:47:41,467 --> 00:47:43,077 "That's not even the right disease." 934 00:47:50,432 --> 00:47:52,347 "I hope some motherfuckers with multiple sclerosis 935 00:47:52,391 --> 00:47:53,827 "come and fuck you up, 936 00:47:53,871 --> 00:47:56,786 "rip up your tuxedo and fuck both of your women." 937 00:48:02,618 --> 00:48:03,881 He rude. 938 00:48:14,804 --> 00:48:16,371 Like I said, I have tremendous... 939 00:48:18,112 --> 00:48:20,462 guilt that I am not the custodial parent. 940 00:48:20,506 --> 00:48:21,899 My ex-wife is the custodial parent. 941 00:48:21,942 --> 00:48:24,162 She watches them 60% of the time, 942 00:48:24,205 --> 00:48:26,077 30% of the time I'm with them, 943 00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:28,557 and 10% of the time they are unaccounted for. 944 00:48:32,561 --> 00:48:33,562 That's fair. 945 00:48:35,825 --> 00:48:36,826 They make it back. 946 00:48:39,612 --> 00:48:41,179 I'm a decent dad. 947 00:48:43,355 --> 00:48:45,923 That when I'm with my kids, I'm amazing. 948 00:48:47,011 --> 00:48:50,014 So basically, I'm a good dad 949 00:48:50,057 --> 00:48:52,886 that spends a decent amount of time with my kids. 950 00:48:54,496 --> 00:48:55,889 I'm not a magnificent dad 951 00:48:55,933 --> 00:48:57,630 'cause I don't live at home with them. 952 00:48:57,673 --> 00:48:59,284 But I ain't "ain't shit" either. 953 00:49:01,634 --> 00:49:03,027 My dad was ain't shit. 954 00:49:04,071 --> 00:49:05,377 So I'm already on an upgrade. 955 00:49:09,337 --> 00:49:11,818 Magnificent dad live at home with the kids, 956 00:49:13,124 --> 00:49:14,821 pay for college, 957 00:49:14,864 --> 00:49:17,302 they go to all those fucking recitals 958 00:49:17,345 --> 00:49:19,304 even when the kid is trash. 959 00:49:21,436 --> 00:49:23,786 I ain't that motherfucker. 960 00:49:23,830 --> 00:49:25,832 Ask my kids. I don't go to none of them recitals 961 00:49:25,875 --> 00:49:28,748 until they get good at shit. 962 00:49:28,791 --> 00:49:32,926 The one in June, the big one, I go to that one. I go to that one. 963 00:49:32,970 --> 00:49:36,582 I put a shirt on. Let's go. "Okay, you good now? Cool." 964 00:49:36,625 --> 00:49:38,976 Nobody wants to see their kid going... [STRAINING] 965 00:49:43,154 --> 00:49:45,678 David Zen Lester. 966 00:49:49,769 --> 00:49:51,684 I'm just like, "Oh, nigga." 967 00:49:54,904 --> 00:49:56,906 I invited my son to my shows when I got good. 968 00:49:56,950 --> 00:50:00,040 I didn't invite him when I was bombing. What the fuck. 969 00:50:00,084 --> 00:50:01,520 Why would I put him through that? 970 00:50:07,395 --> 00:50:11,443 Decent dad, good dad skills. 971 00:50:11,486 --> 00:50:15,055 Teach him how to throw a ball, teach him how to grill. 972 00:50:15,099 --> 00:50:17,971 Teach him not to hit women, but don't let women hit him. 973 00:50:18,754 --> 00:50:19,842 -MAN: Fact. -Right? 974 00:50:21,627 --> 00:50:23,020 Not paying for college. 975 00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:28,503 Not for all of them. I got three. 976 00:50:28,547 --> 00:50:31,332 Pay for one. I'll pay for one. 977 00:50:31,376 --> 00:50:34,205 Treat it like America's Next Top Model. Just walk in the room... 978 00:50:35,684 --> 00:50:37,034 "Hey, one of you... 979 00:50:41,734 --> 00:50:44,389 "I have a check here for one round of college. 980 00:50:47,435 --> 00:50:49,176 "One of you is about to be the next... 981 00:50:50,090 --> 00:50:51,657 "college graduate in the family. 982 00:50:53,137 --> 00:50:55,443 "And you other two niggas gonna have to learn 983 00:50:55,487 --> 00:50:56,749 "to play the clarinet. 984 00:51:03,582 --> 00:51:04,887 "You may deliberate." 985 00:51:06,019 --> 00:51:08,326 I, um, I got tremendous guilt 986 00:51:08,369 --> 00:51:10,328 because they don't live at home with me. I still do. 987 00:51:10,371 --> 00:51:12,199 I want... I like... 988 00:51:12,243 --> 00:51:14,810 I like the idea of molding a kid 989 00:51:14,854 --> 00:51:17,552 in preparing them for the world. I like putting things together, I like to create. 990 00:51:17,596 --> 00:51:20,860 And I think you are what you create. Which is why I did this. 991 00:51:20,903 --> 00:51:23,341 Uh, and I think that 992 00:51:23,384 --> 00:51:25,125 I want to have as much say as I can 993 00:51:25,169 --> 00:51:27,345 on preparing my young men for the world. 994 00:51:28,172 --> 00:51:29,912 [CROWD CLAPPING] 995 00:51:35,875 --> 00:51:37,616 I guess y'all clapping so you ain't got to worry about 996 00:51:37,659 --> 00:51:39,792 these niggers running up on y'all in five years. 997 00:51:42,229 --> 00:51:44,623 And that's fair. [CHUCKLES] 998 00:51:46,059 --> 00:51:48,931 I got three sons. I got an 18-year-old son, 999 00:51:48,975 --> 00:51:50,411 15-year-old son, 1000 00:51:50,455 --> 00:51:52,370 and I got a 12-year-old boy who's a twin. 1001 00:51:54,198 --> 00:51:55,286 And, uh... 1002 00:51:58,202 --> 00:51:59,942 I don't think they're all gonna make it. 1003 00:52:00,508 --> 00:52:02,031 WOMAN: Aww. 1004 00:52:02,075 --> 00:52:03,250 Bro, who's "awwing"? 1005 00:52:06,210 --> 00:52:08,212 You know, you think... How many people here have children 1006 00:52:08,255 --> 00:52:09,735 first of all? Can we just talk... 1007 00:52:09,778 --> 00:52:11,084 How many children you have? 1008 00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:12,781 -MAN 1: Three. -You got three? 1009 00:52:12,825 --> 00:52:15,175 So you two have no self-control. Okay. 1010 00:52:16,655 --> 00:52:18,613 How many people here have one kid? One kid. 1011 00:52:18,657 --> 00:52:20,615 One kid. Lazy. Get the fuck out of here. 1012 00:52:20,659 --> 00:52:21,660 You don't even... 1013 00:52:22,704 --> 00:52:24,184 You don't even count as a parent, 1014 00:52:24,228 --> 00:52:26,491 you are a roommate that looks like the motherfucker. 1015 00:52:28,145 --> 00:52:31,539 Who doesn't pay rent. Just... Ugh. 1016 00:52:31,583 --> 00:52:32,932 You're raising a sociopath. 1017 00:52:32,975 --> 00:52:35,108 He don't even know how to share with anybody. He... 1018 00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:36,370 he has no people skills. 1019 00:52:36,414 --> 00:52:38,459 He's gonna murder somebody before he's 20. 1020 00:52:40,374 --> 00:52:42,724 -How many people have two? Two? -MAN 2: Right here. 1021 00:52:42,768 --> 00:52:44,335 Two is ideal. Good job. 1022 00:52:44,378 --> 00:52:45,640 That is a great amount. 1023 00:52:45,684 --> 00:52:48,382 They have empathy, not like her killer. 1024 00:52:48,426 --> 00:52:50,210 Not like her Norman Bates son. 1025 00:52:50,254 --> 00:52:53,170 You... Empathy. They know how to play off each other. 1026 00:52:53,213 --> 00:52:55,084 That's fair. That's good. 1027 00:52:55,128 --> 00:52:57,130 Anything more than that is prohibited, 'cause you can run out of love. 1028 00:52:59,393 --> 00:53:02,831 You'll be like, "Oh, where you come from? I'm... 1029 00:53:02,875 --> 00:53:04,442 "Uh, can you get it from the other two? 1030 00:53:04,485 --> 00:53:07,096 "'Cause I don't have any more. I'm fresh the fuck out." 1031 00:53:08,446 --> 00:53:10,796 "I was a good dad to them. You know..." 1032 00:53:10,839 --> 00:53:11,884 [CHUCKLES] 1033 00:53:11,927 --> 00:53:13,538 "Tell 'em. Yo, talk to him. 1034 00:53:14,843 --> 00:53:16,715 "Tell them about Disney World, nigga." 1035 00:53:20,153 --> 00:53:21,154 [CHUCKLES] 1036 00:53:22,547 --> 00:53:24,157 Right? 1037 00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:26,420 So again, you know, ain't shit dad. 1038 00:53:26,464 --> 00:53:28,988 I ain't that guy, right? Ain't shit dad 1039 00:53:29,031 --> 00:53:30,859 is a dude that calls you every four years, like, 1040 00:53:30,903 --> 00:53:32,339 "You know who this is, right? 1041 00:53:34,385 --> 00:53:35,386 "Hey, yo. 1042 00:53:36,865 --> 00:53:38,302 "You don't know who this is?" 1043 00:53:39,433 --> 00:53:41,783 And be mad you don't know who it is. 1044 00:53:42,871 --> 00:53:44,177 "You don't know who this is?" 1045 00:53:46,962 --> 00:53:49,617 Man, what you doing? Calling to recertify, nigga? What... 1046 00:53:53,012 --> 00:53:55,841 And, you know, I know all my kids personality. 1047 00:53:55,884 --> 00:53:57,190 Like I said, you know, 1048 00:53:57,234 --> 00:53:58,713 before kids with my wife, 1049 00:53:58,757 --> 00:54:00,367 I got the three boys and a girl. 1050 00:54:00,411 --> 00:54:02,935 I didn't talk about the girl before, because, honestly, 1051 00:54:02,978 --> 00:54:05,372 she don't really do anything funny. 1052 00:54:05,416 --> 00:54:07,287 She's just really good at life already, 1053 00:54:07,331 --> 00:54:08,332 and that's not funny. 1054 00:54:09,246 --> 00:54:11,248 This bitch is superb. She's... 1055 00:54:12,901 --> 00:54:15,861 far and above her... her siblings. 1056 00:54:15,904 --> 00:54:18,298 She's already got it together. 1057 00:54:18,342 --> 00:54:20,561 She cut her own umbilical cord when she came out. 1058 00:54:22,346 --> 00:54:25,044 She walked at seven months. 1059 00:54:25,087 --> 00:54:27,699 Shoplifted at ten. Like, she's really ahead. 1060 00:54:30,963 --> 00:54:33,182 But my ex-wife, you know, is frustrated. 1061 00:54:33,226 --> 00:54:35,228 She's very overwhelmed with the kids. 1062 00:54:35,272 --> 00:54:36,795 She got two teenagers 1063 00:54:36,838 --> 00:54:39,232 and two twin 12-year-old tweeners. 1064 00:54:39,276 --> 00:54:40,494 It's a lot. 1065 00:54:40,538 --> 00:54:43,105 And I'm constantly in my feelings about it. 1066 00:54:43,149 --> 00:54:44,803 But she don't want to give up that child support, 1067 00:54:44,846 --> 00:54:46,718 so that's where they're gonna stay for a little while. 1068 00:54:49,851 --> 00:54:52,158 If she willing to do a sign-and-trade, I'm willing. 1069 00:54:54,465 --> 00:54:55,770 I'll keep you posted. 1070 00:54:56,771 --> 00:54:58,860 But she calls in the morning. 1071 00:54:58,904 --> 00:55:00,340 She likes to call in the morning 1072 00:55:00,384 --> 00:55:02,821 to complain about what the kids aren't doing. 1073 00:55:02,864 --> 00:55:04,518 The other day, she went... [PANTING] 1074 00:55:04,562 --> 00:55:07,129 "I'm tired of waking up and these kids are acting up" 1075 00:55:07,173 --> 00:55:09,175 I said, "First of all, you don't let them wake up before you." 1076 00:55:11,569 --> 00:55:14,615 You don't let your kids... Anybody that got more than one kid 1077 00:55:14,659 --> 00:55:17,531 knows you don't let your kids wake up before you 1078 00:55:17,575 --> 00:55:19,446 'cause you might not wake up. 1079 00:55:19,490 --> 00:55:20,752 You might wake up on fire. 1080 00:55:20,795 --> 00:55:23,015 You might wake up with no roof. 1081 00:55:23,058 --> 00:55:24,582 There might be the Feds in your house 1082 00:55:24,625 --> 00:55:28,107 kicking your door in, fuck with these little people. 1083 00:55:28,150 --> 00:55:31,589 You don't let your kids sleep... You don't let the kids wake up before you. 1084 00:55:31,632 --> 00:55:34,374 She talking about, "I'm tired of them waking up before me. 1085 00:55:35,767 --> 00:55:37,203 "And tearing up the house." 1086 00:55:37,246 --> 00:55:38,509 "Well, get up earlier." 1087 00:55:40,554 --> 00:55:42,251 "You know all the answers, don't you?" 1088 00:55:42,295 --> 00:55:44,384 "I know some of the answers." 1089 00:55:44,428 --> 00:55:47,474 The other morning, she called me four times, I didn't answer. 1090 00:55:47,518 --> 00:55:50,782 On the fifth time, I got scared. I got guilt. 1091 00:55:50,825 --> 00:55:52,784 I pick up the phone. 1092 00:55:52,827 --> 00:55:54,220 "Yeah, Phineas won't put his shoes." 1093 00:55:54,263 --> 00:55:55,526 My autismic son. 1094 00:55:55,569 --> 00:55:57,702 "He won't put his shoes on the right feet." 1095 00:56:02,054 --> 00:56:03,447 "That's what you calling me for? 1096 00:56:05,492 --> 00:56:09,148 "That's what you calling me for? Me, Dad? 1097 00:56:09,191 --> 00:56:11,150 "I'mma level... I'mma clear the room, motherfucker. 1098 00:56:11,193 --> 00:56:14,371 "You call me when the nigga slaps you or..." 1099 00:56:15,502 --> 00:56:16,547 [CHUCKLES] 1100 00:56:16,590 --> 00:56:18,157 "He did some real shit. 1101 00:56:19,854 --> 00:56:22,379 "But word? He won't put his shoes on the right feet? 1102 00:56:22,422 --> 00:56:24,598 "And you're worried about it?" "Yes. 1103 00:56:24,642 --> 00:56:25,904 "Making me late." 1104 00:56:29,516 --> 00:56:31,126 "Send his ass to school. 1105 00:56:32,127 --> 00:56:34,129 "And let his peers sort him out. 1106 00:56:37,437 --> 00:56:39,308 "He go to school with Black kids." 1107 00:56:40,484 --> 00:56:41,528 "Word?" 1108 00:56:41,572 --> 00:56:44,052 "What are those? 1109 00:56:44,096 --> 00:56:45,924 "Yo, look at this nigga. Aah! 1110 00:56:45,967 --> 00:56:48,100 "The tuxedo nigga is wilin', son. 1111 00:56:49,144 --> 00:56:51,799 "Aah! 1112 00:56:51,843 --> 00:56:53,627 "Aah!" 1113 00:56:56,543 --> 00:57:00,460 That nigga will come home, put his shoes on the right feet. 1114 00:57:00,504 --> 00:57:03,420 And get a busted Virginia, like, you'll never see him again. 1115 00:57:06,945 --> 00:57:10,209 Overparenting. Overparenting. 1116 00:57:10,252 --> 00:57:13,734 "Oh, you got all the answers, Mr. Psychologist, Mr. Social Worker?" 1117 00:57:14,692 --> 00:57:17,695 "No. But I tend to adapt well." 1118 00:57:18,565 --> 00:57:20,262 "Really?" "Really." 1119 00:57:20,306 --> 00:57:22,264 "Well, guess what?" "What is it?" 1120 00:57:22,308 --> 00:57:25,572 "I'm going away for ten days for work in Europe." 1121 00:57:25,616 --> 00:57:27,661 And I was like, "Speak your piece." 1122 00:57:29,010 --> 00:57:31,796 "And you've got to watch 'em." "Game on." 1123 00:57:33,624 --> 00:57:35,495 I'm me. I'm easy-going. 1124 00:57:35,539 --> 00:57:38,324 I don't get emotional when the kids do something. 1125 00:57:38,367 --> 00:57:40,500 They're kids. 1126 00:57:40,544 --> 00:57:43,938 I get emotional when they do grown-up shit, like clean up after themselves. 1127 00:57:43,982 --> 00:57:45,070 [WHIMPERS] 1128 00:57:47,376 --> 00:57:50,205 [GASPS] 1129 00:57:52,860 --> 00:57:54,819 My plan is simple. Wake up before them. 1130 00:57:56,385 --> 00:57:58,387 Talk to God, so I know how to talk to them. 1131 00:58:01,216 --> 00:58:02,696 Make myself a cup of coffee. 1132 00:58:04,132 --> 00:58:05,917 Get ready to deal with whoever I need to deal with. 1133 00:58:06,831 --> 00:58:08,354 They are all different kids. 1134 00:58:08,397 --> 00:58:10,878 I got an 18-year-old. He's a self-starter. 1135 00:58:10,922 --> 00:58:12,489 I ain't gotta do shit with him. 1136 00:58:12,532 --> 00:58:15,143 He gets up, he's out. So we let him sleep later. 1137 00:58:15,187 --> 00:58:18,495 Why? Because he don't need nothin'. 1138 00:58:18,538 --> 00:58:20,845 Second one, 15-year-old. He's coming around. He's a little... 1139 00:58:20,888 --> 00:58:23,543 He drags some time, but he gets out on time. 1140 00:58:23,587 --> 00:58:26,067 My daughter, as I said, 1141 00:58:26,111 --> 00:58:28,940 is magnificent. She was ready last night. 1142 00:58:33,248 --> 00:58:34,685 [CHUCKLES] 1143 00:58:34,728 --> 00:58:37,426 She'd been waiting by the door with her pantsuit on, 1144 00:58:37,470 --> 00:58:40,429 an attache case, looking like Hillary Clinton. She's like, "Uh... 1145 00:58:42,649 --> 00:58:45,434 "Would you niggas hurry up? I have a... 1146 00:58:45,478 --> 00:58:47,741 "I have a hostile takeover at ten o'clock." 1147 00:58:50,918 --> 00:58:53,921 And then there's my 12-year-old son. 1148 00:58:53,965 --> 00:58:56,881 -Remedial boy. -[WOMAN LAUGHING] 1149 00:58:56,924 --> 00:58:58,186 You don't know him. 1150 00:59:02,843 --> 00:59:04,366 He just... In the morning, 1151 00:59:04,410 --> 00:59:06,064 he just... he just be over it. 1152 00:59:06,978 --> 00:59:07,979 He just... 1153 00:59:09,328 --> 00:59:12,026 So I wake him up at four o'clock in the morning, 1154 00:59:12,070 --> 00:59:13,593 get a good running start, 1155 00:59:14,768 --> 00:59:16,640 so we can get out at 7:30. 1156 00:59:18,337 --> 00:59:20,426 You know. I'm a micromanager. 1157 00:59:20,469 --> 00:59:23,603 "Go pee. Pull your pants down." 1158 00:59:23,647 --> 00:59:25,170 I don't know what it is about autismic kids, 1159 00:59:25,213 --> 00:59:28,086 but they pull their pants all the way down, nigga. 1160 00:59:29,696 --> 00:59:31,568 I'm like, "Don't do this outside, man." 1161 00:59:36,050 --> 00:59:39,401 This nigga pull his pants off like he a porn star. 1162 00:59:41,012 --> 00:59:42,535 I'm like, "When did Vixen get here?" 1163 00:59:46,452 --> 00:59:48,410 Then you gotta micromanage him in the bathtub. 1164 00:59:48,454 --> 00:59:51,370 "Look, man, you got to turn the water on first. 1165 00:59:51,413 --> 00:59:54,852 "Then you gotta... you gotta lather up. 1166 00:59:54,895 --> 00:59:57,289 "You got to rinse the soap off. 1167 00:59:57,332 --> 00:59:59,421 "Then you gotta put your underwear on. 1168 00:59:59,465 --> 01:00:00,814 "Dry off first. 1169 01:00:02,729 --> 01:00:04,601 "Then you gotta brush your teeth. 1170 01:00:04,644 --> 01:00:06,994 "Don't swallow the toothpaste, bro. Come on. 1171 01:00:07,952 --> 01:00:09,693 "We just did this yesterday." 1172 01:00:12,783 --> 01:00:15,176 And then he's finally ready. And when they come home from school, 1173 01:00:15,220 --> 01:00:17,657 I talk to each of them, find out how their day was. 1174 01:00:17,701 --> 01:00:19,528 I don't yell at 'em in the morning, 1175 01:00:19,572 --> 01:00:21,661 'cause that fucks up their whole day. That fucks up their whole day. 1176 01:00:21,705 --> 01:00:25,099 Imagine somebody four times your size yelled at you on the train. 1177 01:00:25,143 --> 01:00:27,624 "Look, motherfucker..." You'd be... Your... 1178 01:00:28,537 --> 01:00:30,539 No. You would not be productive. 1179 01:00:31,802 --> 01:00:32,803 [CHUCKLES] 1180 01:00:37,329 --> 01:00:39,810 "A giant just cussed me out on the A Train." 1181 01:00:41,463 --> 01:00:42,813 [CHUCKLES] 1182 01:00:42,856 --> 01:00:45,380 So I say I'll deal with them when they get home. 1183 01:00:45,424 --> 01:00:46,904 I address it over a meal 1184 01:00:46,947 --> 01:00:48,557 so that they're nourished and they're open. 1185 01:00:48,601 --> 01:00:50,864 When the kids are doing an activity, they are open. 1186 01:00:50,908 --> 01:00:54,389 Their defenses are down, you can really get to the heart of the matter. 1187 01:00:54,433 --> 01:00:56,609 Right? And I talk to 'em, I find out what's going on. 1188 01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:57,784 I meet them where they're at 1189 01:00:57,828 --> 01:00:59,960 and escort them where they need to be. 1190 01:01:00,004 --> 01:01:02,006 And that was going on for nine days. 1191 01:01:02,049 --> 01:01:03,268 It was magnificent. 1192 01:01:03,311 --> 01:01:05,792 I ran offense like an NBA coach. 1193 01:01:07,098 --> 01:01:09,100 Morale was high. 1194 01:01:09,143 --> 01:01:11,755 No one asked where mom was. Grades went up. 1195 01:01:12,669 --> 01:01:14,279 It was great. 1196 01:01:14,322 --> 01:01:16,673 Nine days, air-tight, 1197 01:01:16,716 --> 01:01:18,892 until the tenth day. I rested. 1198 01:01:19,980 --> 01:01:22,374 [EXHALING] 1199 01:01:22,983 --> 01:01:24,724 I overslept. 1200 01:01:24,768 --> 01:01:26,944 And I finally understood what my ex-wife had been talking about. 1201 01:01:26,987 --> 01:01:28,380 That fatigue, boy. 1202 01:01:29,642 --> 01:01:31,470 And I woke up to... [SCREAMS] 1203 01:01:31,513 --> 01:01:37,781 [MIMICKING EXPLOSIONS, SCREAMING, BARKING, GUNSHOTS] 1204 01:01:40,044 --> 01:01:42,786 I said, "What the fuck is going on?" Here come my oldest son. 1205 01:01:42,829 --> 01:01:45,266 "Dad." [PANTING] 1206 01:01:45,310 --> 01:01:47,312 "You got to look at Starling." My daughter. 1207 01:01:47,355 --> 01:01:49,836 "You got to look at Starling. Come, look, Dad. 1208 01:01:49,880 --> 01:01:51,490 "Please." 1209 01:01:55,059 --> 01:01:56,451 I said, "What the fuck?" 1210 01:01:58,366 --> 01:01:59,977 You're trying to listen... [CHUCKLES] 1211 01:02:00,847 --> 01:02:02,022 You don't want no surprises. 1212 01:02:06,810 --> 01:02:09,247 "What's going on?" "Look at Starling." 1213 01:02:09,290 --> 01:02:11,118 And I'm looking at my daughter, there was nothing wrong with her. 1214 01:02:11,162 --> 01:02:12,816 She seemed fine. Her head was attached, 1215 01:02:12,859 --> 01:02:14,861 there was no blood, she wasn't crying. 1216 01:02:14,905 --> 01:02:15,949 She's in there like... 1217 01:02:19,561 --> 01:02:22,826 I'm like, "What? What is it?" He's like, "Are you serious? 1218 01:02:22,869 --> 01:02:25,306 "Look at her!" I said, "What? I don't... What's wrong? 1219 01:02:25,350 --> 01:02:27,091 "Zen, what's wrong? Talk to me." 1220 01:02:27,134 --> 01:02:29,180 "Dad, you can't see what's wrong with her?" 1221 01:02:29,223 --> 01:02:30,311 I said, "No. 1222 01:02:31,486 --> 01:02:32,705 "What's wrong with her? 1223 01:02:33,837 --> 01:02:35,490 He said, "Where are her eyebrows?" 1224 01:02:37,971 --> 01:02:41,453 Oh! Oh! 1225 01:02:42,149 --> 01:02:47,024 Oh! Oh! Oh! 1226 01:02:51,550 --> 01:02:53,160 Her eyebrows... 1227 01:02:55,380 --> 01:02:56,381 [BLOWS] 1228 01:02:58,905 --> 01:03:01,038 She had taken my shaver... 1229 01:03:02,866 --> 01:03:06,826 and shaved off everything. 1230 01:03:06,870 --> 01:03:09,263 There was nothing. She was thorough. She was... 1231 01:03:10,395 --> 01:03:12,179 There was nothing left. It was bald. 1232 01:03:12,223 --> 01:03:13,920 It was like this, but right here. 1233 01:03:14,878 --> 01:03:17,010 Nothing. She got everything. 1234 01:03:19,099 --> 01:03:20,971 And I'm like, "No." 1235 01:03:21,014 --> 01:03:23,277 My whole spine like... 1236 01:03:23,321 --> 01:03:25,714 Because this is significant for a lot of reasons. 1237 01:03:25,758 --> 01:03:28,543 This is a little... This is my only ex-wife's little girl... 1238 01:03:28,587 --> 01:03:30,807 Ex-wife's only little girl. 1239 01:03:30,850 --> 01:03:34,288 Black women put their narcissism on their little girls. 1240 01:03:34,332 --> 01:03:35,855 When she sees this shit, 1241 01:03:35,899 --> 01:03:38,336 it's not gonna play out well in child support court. 1242 01:03:39,641 --> 01:03:40,817 I'm finished. 1243 01:03:42,035 --> 01:03:43,950 "Oh, shit. 1244 01:03:44,690 --> 01:03:46,213 "What Elsa gonna do? 1245 01:03:47,214 --> 01:03:48,825 "Oh, woe is me." 1246 01:03:50,478 --> 01:03:53,220 Then I got cool. Emotional intelligence. 1247 01:03:54,787 --> 01:03:56,441 I shaved off my oldest son's eyebrows. 1248 01:03:56,484 --> 01:03:59,096 [BLOWING] 1249 01:03:59,139 --> 01:04:01,054 Shaved off my 15... [BLOWING] 1250 01:04:01,098 --> 01:04:02,882 "No, I got... No. No. 1251 01:04:02,926 --> 01:04:05,015 "All or nothing, nigga. All or nothing." 1252 01:04:05,058 --> 01:04:07,321 Shaved off my... [BLOWING] 1253 01:04:07,365 --> 01:04:08,409 I shaved mine off. 1254 01:04:08,453 --> 01:04:10,672 [BLOWING] 1255 01:04:15,242 --> 01:04:17,462 [CHUCKLES] 1256 01:04:17,505 --> 01:04:18,985 My ex-wife walked back in, 1257 01:04:19,029 --> 01:04:22,032 we were like, 'Yeah. Hmm, what? What?" 1258 01:04:23,555 --> 01:04:25,644 I said, "What's what? What's wrong? Huh?" 1259 01:04:26,993 --> 01:04:28,865 We looked like the version of Us. 1260 01:04:32,433 --> 01:04:35,001 "What, what, what? This how we look." 1261 01:04:36,568 --> 01:04:37,961 "Excuse me?" 1262 01:04:38,004 --> 01:04:39,788 "No eyebrows run in my family. 1263 01:04:39,832 --> 01:04:42,052 "See, if you'd spent more time... 1264 01:04:42,095 --> 01:04:43,967 "if you'd spent more time with us, 1265 01:04:45,055 --> 01:04:46,317 "you would know that." 1266 01:04:47,535 --> 01:04:48,797 Dave Lester. Thank you all. 1267 01:04:48,841 --> 01:04:50,843 [CROWD CHEERING] 1268 01:04:54,978 --> 01:04:56,980 ["CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER" PLAYING]