["CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER" PLAYING]
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ANNOUNCER: Put your hands together for the Death Star Jedi,
coming straight out of Brooklyn,
Mr. Dave Lester.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Yeah!
[CROWD CONTINUES CHEERING]
Yeah!
Yeah.
All right.
That's enough.
That's... that's enough. That's enough.
-[MAN WHOOPING] -That...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Pace yourself. Pace... pace yourselves.
You done blew your wad for the weekend,
now you can't do nothing else. This is it.
You gonna blow it all up.
I want to thank you all for coming out
because I thought about going straight home today,
so, uh...
So I could go right home.
I love going home.
Going straight home is my shit.
Right?
I'm that age.
We're that age, you be like,
I don't need to go nowhere else but home.
I will go home.
"Go home" is a drink choice.
"Can I have a...
"go home straight, please?
"I would love a go home straight.
"Oh. Give me two, give me two. I'm taking an Uber."
[LAUGHS]
Shit, man. Like, right?
You're over 30, 35, 40.
You... [STRAINING] What?
Shit. I'll be out of my clothes, laid out at home to go to bed
like people lay their clothes out to have a wedding.
I'm like, "You know what?
"I'm sleeping in this shit tonight. Look at this.
"You like this? You can't see it.
"It's not the night time yet."
I'll be ready to lay down.
Oh. Lay down?
And I don't even mean go to sleep.
I said, "Lay down."
I lays down.
Shout out if you lay down in here, like,
-make some noise... -[CROWD CHEERING]
-Lay down? -MAN: Yeah!
Look at all 'em millennials, like, "What is... what is..."
Lay down is when you lay down horizontally
and be spiritually still...
and reflect.
"Like, you know what?
"I spent too much money in Trader Joe's."
"Again."
Lay down.
We should lay down at work, at your nine to five.
We should be able to lay down.
If we laid down,
we wouldn't steal that much more time.
If you let me lay down for 20 minutes during the day,
I promise you two hours of productivity.
People don't think like that.
When I meet women at the bar, I'll be like,
"We gonna lay down before we fuck.
"I'm letting you know right now.
"We're gonna lay down.
"If I like how you be still, then we will have sex."
"What?"
"Yeah, I want you to make sure this is something you want to do, you know.
"Give you time to deliberate, bitch. Figure it out. You want to
"sit there and you let me know."
I love going home, man. I go home.
I go to places waiting to be offended
so I can leave early.
Bro, I don't like these lights.
I can go home. I don't need to be here. I will leave.
I got these candles at home. I ain't got to be here.
The only thing I love more than going home
is getting dressed to go out,
getting fresh, getting out of the shower,
putting on my Usher music...
Men have hype music as well.
I know women... I know women got
all the hype music before they go out.
Right? 'Cause I'm a Mama's boy.
So I remember my mom going out.
But men have hype music, too. It's...
♪ You don't have to call
That's how I got out, nigga. Nigga, that's...
When you get,
♪ We're gonna boogie tonight
We'd be ready to go.
Nothing make me happier than going
and getting fresh in the shower.
Putting on my coconut oils, 'cause I like to smell good.
I like to smell... I like to smell edible.
Putting on my stuff, man,
doing my beard, and then not going the fuck out.
Just not...
Just staying the fuck home with all my clothes on
like I'm a rich dude walking around my house with all my clothes on, just...
"I think we'll be in the study tonight.
"And by a study, I mean, bathroom."
Oh, there's great light in there.
Then I post that shit on social media
like I was killing it somewhere else.
"Club Mi Casa, nigga. Aah!"
I was married. I got fired from that.
You still optimistic about me?
Every job ain't for everybody.
I like watching women comics get up here and be like,
"I'm divorced," and they throw her a cocaine and penis party.
"Oh, go, go, go, go!"
Me, they'd be like, "What did you do?
"What did you do?"
I'd be like, "I chose happiness. That's the fuck I did.
"I chose
"to have moist skin and gain an inch of penis back.
"I chose..."
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I feel like somebody's looking at my dick right now. I feel like...
[CHUCKLES]
It's really... it's not that serious. It's...
You should've caught me when I was 35, bitch.
I'd have wore you out. I would've shish-kebabbed you. No...
I had...
Now my shit like a player/coach. [CHUCKLES]
That's unfair. I just got my coolness
and my dick is like, "Nah, we'll sit this one out."
Like, "Nigga, we just got cool."
"Yeah, but, you know, I'm good.
"I'm gonna take a knee, my nigga. I'mma...
"Come see me at 2:30 tomorrow afternoon."
I'm no longer nocturnal.
Changed my whole dating life. I've got to...
I can't... Shit, I can't pursue women
deep into the night anymore because he gets sleepy.
I gotta hit bitches up at the farmer's market.
"Hey, yo, yo, yo.
"That arugula... Oh, yeah.
"You are just the ticket."
Getting, you know...
When I was getting divorced, my friends were like, "Hey, man,
"you don't look that old for your age.
"You should date younger women."
And I was like, "You should get the fuck out my face
"because he gets sleepy at 9:30.
"That would be pointless."
I'll just be sitting up looking at this bitch's poetry and angry.
I don't like young women. I don't like young woman.
Young women, you're in here, your 20s, right? Yeah?
Good. I don't like y'all.
"No knowing who Luther Vandross is" ass bitches.
I don't... I don't... Ah. Oh.
Don't even know what dungarees are.
I asked a specific question.
The bitch don't know what dungarees are!
[CHUCKLES]
You don't know me. You don't know me.
I don't like older women either.
I don't want you to think I'm in here chasing your mama.
No, no, I don't...
I have, like, a range. I don't...
"What's your range?" "My range is,
"I need you to hate more than two dudes,
"but not everybody but Jesus."
All in there is me. That's all me in there.
Take backsliders, I love 'em.
[CHUCKLES]
I like me a old trifling... used-to-be-trifling bitch.
I like a... I like...
I like a used-to-be-raggedy bitch.
That like to garden now.
[CHUCKLES]
I used to fuck mad niggas,
but now I'm out in this backyard all the time.
That's what I'm looking for.
Old gardening ex-former ho.
[LAUGHS]
I'm serious, man. I know...
My priorities are intact, man.
I just want down on a clean mattress.
Right?
I'm grown up now. I'm a varsity adult.
Where my varsity adults at?
[CROWD CHEERING]
You don't even know if you qualify.
Like if your... if your mattress...
If your bed has a frame,
like, if you can put things under your bed,
you're a varsity adult.
If you got two mattresses on the floor,
you just got two mattresses on the floor.
Like a pair of pancakes with no plate.
Like, nobody eating that.
Nobody... nobody eating your fucking plate-less pan...
They're not even pancakes, they're just cakes.
I knew I was getting too old to be out here with these young girls
when a girl invited me back to her place
and she had a futon, I refused to fuck her.
I'm like, "Nah. That'd fuck my back up."
I will... I will crack the ribs of your futon.
I will crack... You know, they got them wooden...
I will crack your slats on your futon.
I'm not fuckin' behind that, 'cause, you know,
all my skin, ooze all in between them.
Now I look like a burnt hot dog.
I got all the lines.
Looking like a frank. Not even a hot dog, a frank.
I don't need that.
I need your pictures to have frames in 'em.
Put up a fucking picture with no frame.
What, are you in college still? Get the fuck out of here.
I will have none of it.
[CHUCKLES]
I gotta take mad vitamins.
It look like I'm just eating candy. It's like...
I'm just like this with it now.
Keep... [CHUCKLES]
Walking around with them shits like they're peanuts, yeah.
I'm in the...
I'm in the club eating ibuprofen, just...
"I'm gonna see you, bitch. I'm gonna see you."
[CHUCKLES]
Um, like I said, I don't like young women, I don't like older women.
I like, you know, I like...
I need them in the sweet spot. And I know my sweet spot.
My sweet spot is, like I said, you know,
you got to have a couple of scrapes on your knee
but not need a knee replacement. You understand what I'm sayin'?
Right? Like I need your vagina
to taste less like a margarita and more like a merlot.
"Oh. Oh.
"Oh, this is...
"Oh. Mm. Mm.
"Mm. This is exquisite, bitch.
"This is... Oh. Bitch, you step on these grapes yourself?
"This is... this is...
"You have any brie? This is amazing."
[CHUCKLES]
"Mm. [CHUCKLES] Mm."
[CONTINUES EXCLAIMING]
"Oh, My God.
"Mm. This is... this is South American, I can tell."
If you're really good... If you're really proficient
at going down on women, you can tell where she's been.
You'll be like, "Mm. Mm, mm.
"Oh, you got a kid in college. This is nice.
"This is nice.
"Congratulations.
"A good year. That's a good year, bitch.
"That's a good year." [LAUGHS]
Yeah, old niggas laugh with their mouth closed. [LAUGHS]
They laugh knowingly, like, "I got you."
Can't be out here chasing women all late at night and shit.
Especially young women. Y'all like to go to five different fuckin' places
in one night like y'all got an album that just came out.
I'm like, "Bitch.
"Where are they going?" "Everywhere." "Shit."
[CHUCKLES]
One girl was like, "We going to Philly tonight."
I'm like, "Nigga, it's Brooklyn right now. What?
"You going to Philly tonight?"
"Yeah, we're going to get crazy down there." "Let's get crazy right now.
"It's 9:30. Let's get crazy right now.
"I'm at my precipice.
"I'm at my pinnacle right now. This would be the time."
She be talking about,
"Yeah. And then maybe later on, later on,
"at about four o'clock, we can get into somethin'."
I'm like, "Shit."
I started acting like an old black... "Shit, bitch, is you..."
And so I turn... Real turnaround look...
"Bitch. Bitch, say what? Excuse me?
"Bitch, if you don't get on..." I do the draw back.
Four o'clock?
That's when I wake up for my second piss.
And I sit down for that one. [CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
[SHUDDERS]
Mm.
It's my second piss.
"Um, bitch..."
The nerve.
Four o'clock she gonna invite me to some possible pussy?
Possible?
I got shit not to do in the morning, bitch.
I can't be...
I got to get to the farmer's market.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[LAUGHS]
"Shit." I tell that bitch, "Shit."
I want to be a white man in Midtown on a Wednesday afternoon,
ordering something at Bryant Park and not getting what I want.
[LAUGHS]
I've been working on that joke in the most hooded spots.
They'll be like, "What you say, Nigga?"
"Just stay with the joke, bro."
As soon as I say I want to be a white man...
They didn't even let me get it out.
[CHUCKLES]
I want to be a white man
Wednesday afternoon at Bryant Park,
ordering something and not getting what I want.
Very specific white wish.
And I don't want to be a regular white dude,
like y'all are very charming, but that's not what I'm looking for.
Okay?
[CHUCKLES]
You're very lovely, but not what I'm looking for for this particular task.
I'm looking for a white old...
I want to be an old white, jowly face...
[GRUNTING, MUMBLING]
I wanna be a Founding-Father-face-having Ben Franklin...
[GRUNTING, MUMBLING]
Court magistrate with rolls of white hair, powder wig...
[GRUNTING, MUMBLING]
I want to be... [CHUCKLES]
I want to be an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette-lookin'...
[MIMICS TUNE]
[GRUNTING, MUMBLING]
That's the kind of white dude I want to be.
'Cause those white dudes get to do something nobody,
not even you fine gentlemen, get to do.
They get to be flabbergasted.
Oh. Oh.
I know I lost some of y'all because you ain't livin' that life.
I know you, you ain't...
You ain't living that flabbergasted life.
Let me tell you something, man.
Ooh! I would... I would be really good at being flabbergasted.
I think I would be sensational
at being flabbergasted.
Oh!
[EXHALES]
And if you don't know what flabbergasted is,
flabbergasted is when you're a white man
of the 1% persuasion
who is so used
to getting things your way
99.9% of the time.
And in the one stroke of madness...
someone has the nerve,
the temerity to tell you...
"Rondo, no."
[GASPING]
You start feeling
revulsion and incredulity.
[GASPING]
[GRUNTING, MUMBLING]
"Off with his head!" They threaten you immediately.
You threaten a beheading in 2019, dude.
"Heads will roll!" [GRUNTING, MUMBLING]
"What do you mean, there's no more pastrami?"
[MUMBLING]
Now a dude got to lose his head at Katz's Deli because you
don't have coping skills?
Yeah, that's just what I want.
Sign me up. That's what I want.
'Cause those white men can defeat white cops.
Yeah. I've seen white men cuss white cops out,
you can't tell who got the gun.
"Yo, yo, yo, yo."
"How dare you..."
[GRUNTING, MUMBLING]
White cop just take that shit 'cause he remind him of his daddy.
and that's the reason why he became a cop in the first place.
So he gonna take it.
"Yes, Father. Yes, I understand. Yes."
But I watch that shit like it's the NBA, it's my NBA.
I'm like, "Oh, you see the level of disrespect on his...
"on his... Oh, my God.
"Look how he's living and giving it to the cop.
"Yeah, I want that guy on my fantasy team.
"He's a magnificent athlete.
"A magnificent athlete.
"I want his sneakers. What kind of sneakers was he wearing?"
"He was wearing air privileges."
"Oh. Oh.
"Oh. Ooh."
[CROWD WHOOPING]
-Ooh. -[CROWD CONTINUES WHOOPING]
[DAVE EXCLAIMING SOFTLY]
"I'mma get me a pair of those."
"No, you can't have a pair of those."
"And why not?" "They only come in white."
[GRUNTING, MUMBLING]
"This is my country."
"How dare you tell me I can't have privileges."
"My people made this country." [GRUNTING, MUMBLING]
[GROWLING SOFTLY]
[GRUNTS]
MAN: Yeah. Yeah.
[CHEERING, WHOOPING]
Here's the thing. [CHUCKLES]
Marriage is a 4,300-year-old institution.
That's what they call it, an institution.
-[MAN LAUGHING] -WOMAN: Institution, huh?
'Cause you can't get out of there
unless somebody come and get you.
"Yo! See you!"
And men get married young. I don't understand.
Why would you get married young?
You get married at the least... the least...
When you have the least amount of equity
and the most amount of lack of control.
Self-control. You know, you got the devil in your dick and debt.
How do you think...
How do you think you're gonna fare...
forever?
That hurt y'all?
This is a good time to discuss emotional intelligence.
[CHUCKLES] I feel like people think they're supposed to go to a comedy club
and feel one thing. Joy.
That's not how...
We are miners of this thing called comedy.
We go down into the mine and whatever's down there,
we gotta scoop it, bring it up,
clean it off, and give it to you.
And it ain't pretty down there.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
'Cause...
Because that's what life is.
Comedy is a direct reflection of what is going on in the world,
and if you have a problem with comedy,
you ain't gonna make it.
I'm not saying you have to agree
with everything a comic says
or another person, for that matter.
You don't have to agree with everything a person says.
But you do have to let them
finish saying what they were gonna say
before you go into an emotional tailspin.
"I was just thinkin'..." "You were thinkin'?
"What you thinkin'? You ain't supposed to be thinkin'."
"You know what? I was gonna ask you to marry me, but forget it. I don't even...
"You, clearly, it's just not something you're ready for."
People... [SCOFFS]
And, you know, they try to overwhelm you.
Don't let, like, media and all that stuff going on,
like, please detach from your phones
for a little while and be with people.
That'll set your spiritual rhythm back.
It'll set you back on course again.
And, you know, as long as the person isn't too nuts,
and then you guys can
kind of navigate back to the road, you know.
You know. Spend time by yourself.
Spend time nude.
Spend time nude 'cause you can't bullshit yourself
when you see yourself in the mirror, like...
You know, do that and... [CHUCKLES]
"What the fuck is that?"
There'd be a spot right... [SCREAMS]
"I'm dying. No, please."
Let me just say this.
When I got married, I was 27 years old.
I was not ready.
That's it. I just wasn't ready.
I wasn't a fully act...
I wasn't fully grown adult.
I mean, I did some adult... I pantomimed adult.
But I didn't have a plan.
And if you don't have...
And if you marry a guy without a plan,
it's not gonna work.
That's it. My ex-wife isn't a bad person.
She, you know, we were just young people
running away from whatever we were running away from
and ran smack into each other
and got mad because we ran into each other.
You ever bump into something
and it's nothin', and you manage the thing that it ain't...
"Who gonna put the goddamn couch right here?
"Who the fuck?"
You live alone. "Who the fuck?
"I'mma burn this motherfucker!"
You mad as shit at the couch like it's a real person...
"Like, you conspired to hurt me."
That's how we do the relationship.
You run into people that you ain't ready to be with,
or they're not ready to be with you.
You're literally running into people
from whatever you're running away from.
Right? We hide in our partners.
"Oh, you'll do."
[CHUCKLES] Right? "Ooh.
"You're a nice excuse not to deal with my shit."
I did it. I did that bitch-ass shit.
Right? And I'm good now.
I could go without nobody.
I could honestly be with nobody and be happy for about a year.
I mean it.
I tried it. I was like, "Ooh, I get to keep all the toilet paper."
[CHUCKLES]
Do you know much toilet paper women consume?
Oh, that year I was single, I was killin' the toilet paper game.
I bought one kilo. That shit lasted...
Oh.
Colombians called me, "Hey, man, you still in the game?"
"Yeah, I don't need nothing, dawg. I'm good."
[CHUCKLES]
You know that Colombian had an old cell phone. This is the old...
He had the Zack Morris cell phone.
[CHUCKLES]
What? Then I started dating a woman I'm with now,
and I've seen her do this shit with the toilet paper.
She started molly-whopping with my toilet paper.
I said, "Bitch, are you a mummy? What the fuck is..."
[CHUCKLES]
"Why are you..." "'Cause I need it."
"You need it for what? Are you hemorrhaging? Why are you...
"Why are you using so much toilet paper?"
"'Cause I, you know, I peed."
"But you didn't get shot. Why are you...
"You need some gauze, bitch. That's what you need.
"You need drawers made out of gauze.
"That's what the fuck you need.
"That's three-ply."
You know, it's hard to find three-ply.
I don't like four-ply. Clog up your toilet.
[CHUCKLES]
You'll be like... [MIMICS FLUSHING] "Oh, this bitch."
Every time she come over... [MIMICS FLUSHING]
"Oh, boy."
[EXHALES]
Marriage is a business.
Relationships are a business.
You find somebody
with goals that align with your goals
just like you do jobs that you look for.
You don't see a job in newspaper and go,
"Oh, I love that job.
"I want to work there for free for a year."
This job pays the money I need for my goals.
And it's worth the things they want me to do.
Then you go and research
the things you're supposed to lie about in the interview.
Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, okay. Okay.
"Mm. I'mma get their ass. I'mma...
"Ooh, I'mma trick their ass. Ooh, I'mma kill it.
"Ooh, I'mma kill it. Mm.
"It's gonna be my special. Watch. Mm.
"Like, this interview gonna be my special. Uh-huh.
"I'mma lay their ass out."
Get there and say all that shit you know they want you to hear.
And you don't know, but the job is, like, bankrupt,
ain't had paying motherfucking clients, customers.
They ain't paying the employees.
They're tryin' to get your ass, too.
They're like, "Come on." You...
I think you should approach relationships the way you approach your job.
"Hey, man, listen. I like you.
"I like how you dressed.
"I was thinking, uh,
"sex four to five times a week.
"Especially when it rains.
"Uh, are you a team player?
"'Cause I got kids from other people."
[CROWD CLAPPING]
"And you can have the evenings off 'cause I work at night, so...
"What do you think?"
And then she makes a proposal.
"Uh, go down on you...
"three times a month.
"Even when it rains.
"I mean, look at me."
[CHUCKLES]
"I'm young." [CHUCKLES]
"Good enough. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it."
And then you got the nerve to blame them.
You... you... with your lack of equity-ass,
said, "Oh, I'm gonna hide out over there."
And then you were like, "He ain't shit either."
You mad because you went to a used-car salesman,
he sold you a relationship lemon...
and you tried to pay him with counterfeit money.
You deserve each other. You deserve each other.
[CHUCKLES]
"Why does he do..." 'Cause you ain't shit either.
Get you a deal. Get the deal you want.
And if you ain't ready... Be honest if you ain't got the money yet.
Be like, "I ain't got it.
"But I think if we work together, we can get it."
They'll be like, "All right, cool, that's fair." That's fair.
Give them the chance, the option
of going, "You know what? I'll invest."
'Cause somebody in every relationship is the investor.
The other person is the fucking grantor.
Like, this person's like, "Oh..."
[CHUCKLES]
And it's not just the women anymore neither, niggas.
Women getting that paper out here now. So now niggas is like...
"I'll put up a shelf."
I'll get married. But I'm gonna get my...
I'm gonna hit my points.
I'm gonna get my agenda in there.
I'm going to have annual salary reviews.
"It's coming up on that time, baby.
"And I wrote you up three times last year for non-compliance.
"You ain't want to be on top. What can I say? You...
"you...
"you underperformed.
"I don't think I want to renew this contract. I don't think that..."
And conversely, if you have a great year,
"Hey, hey, you know what?
"That time you did that thing what you did, and you pulled it through my legs
"and you did it the other side...
"that was sensational.
"I think that we...
"I think not only do I want to renew it, but I want to give you a bonus."
"I want to...
[CHUCKLES]
"I want to try that in Puerto Rico."
Get what you want, you know.
Sex is a big part of it.
It's... it's... it's the fucking lubricant of the relationship.
You got to be doing it. You got to be doing it.
And if you ain't doing it,
somebody's doing it.
It might not be you.
It's a new world. You can get whatever deal...
You can get whatever deal you want.
You want an open relationship, have one. You like...
You know, you want to have the summers off, fuck it.
Have the summers off.
From June 30th to August 31st,
fuck whoever you want.
And then write essays about it and exchange papers.
I know who you did last summer. You know, just...
People say they... Motherfuckers say they wouldn't.
I was in an open relationship for a little bit.
It was great when I was winnin'.
"You sure? You don't want none? I'm gonna go get me some. Yeah?"
And one day I walked in
and this bitch was getting sawed in half.
[MIMICS SAWING NOISES]
Like a magician. [MIMICS SAWING NOISES]
And then the nigga pulled her apart.
[CROWD WHOOPING, CHEERING]
"I think I'll be in the kitchen sorting spices
"and my emotions, just...
"Who put the cumin right here?
The cumin goes over here!"
[CHUCKLES]
"Everybody got to leave!
"Fuckin' up my spices."
You say you want an open relationship, but you don't really...
[MUMBLING]
'Cause in theory, I didn't know the motherfucker,
I didn't see the motherfucker. It was happening, it was cool.
But when you see it...
That nigga... And...
and then he was getting the part of the pussy I save for the holidays.
The upper pussy.
The upper...
Up in there.
Yeah. Women got extra pussy, fellas.
Some of y'all don't know about it. But they got...
they got holiday home pussy up in a...
And this nigga was getting my holiday snatch. I was like...
"This motherfucker rude.
"Oh."
[EXHALES]
You don't mind him in the living room,
but you don't want him up in the den.
Ego will ruin a lot of relationships.
Ego. You got to control that shit.
You know. Ego will have you asking some silly shit.
Ego will have you asking some shit like,
"Am I the best person you ever been with sexually?"
"Why would you say that? Why would you...
"Why would you put me in that position?"
No!
Start telling these motherfuckers "no."
Start saying, "No. Absolutely not."
Why do you think I'm with you?
Because I can't be with them.
I would have been with them.
Everybody in here know it.
Everybody here know you're not with the person you really want to be with.
The person who you've had the most best
amazing universal sex with, you can't be with
because that person isn't good for you.
That person will destroy you.
Indirectly.
You will just keep fucking that person until you pass away.
You won't eat, you won't sleep, you just...
Three days later...
You'll just kill... You'll just...
You'll just keep going.
Here's the thing. You think you can possess that person.
You're not supposed to be with that person.
And here's why. Because that's not even a real person.
Everybody keep thinking back to the person
they had the best ever sex with, that mother...
You didn't even meet the person in a normal way
you meet a normal person. You didn't even meet them in the...
You met them and you fucked them in the bathroom or somewhere weird.
You didn't meet them under regular terms.
You haven't seen them eat before.
They're not real people. They're not...
They are celestial beings that come down to earth...
and fuck you twice.
You fucked him on a lifeguard chair
at four o'clock in the morning on Coney Island Beach...
in 2013.
And then the nigga went back into the ocean,
never to be seen again.
That nigga was a sex angel!
You can't possess a sex angel.
You're a fool!
Sex angel is just like cocaine. Have some.
Have a bump.
Sex angel is for everybody.
They'll be like, "Why? Why is sex so good
"but his life's so bad?"
I'll tell you why the sex angel... Why they're here.
Why they taking residency on Earth.
I'll tell you why the sex is so good
and their lives are so bad.
'Cause they don't work. They don't have stress.
So, when they're...
How should we say it? When they just waiting around,
like, when you're at work,
they're not concerned.
They're just sitting around. And all that lack of stress
travels down...
and collects in this area.
Oh, it builds up.
And when you get home with your nine to five genitals...
[SCREAMS]
[SHUDDERS]
Emotional intelligence, right?
You've got to allow people to figure it out.
Men, as much as I like to sit here and tell women or tell you
how to deal with your woman,
you have to give your woman room to sort,
and she has to give you room.
We both have very different processes,
and we have to respect... We have to respect each other's processes.
Respect how a woman comes up and sorts emotionally.
She does that through conversation,
through talking through her feelings,
because everything's a feeling, she has to label everything, "This, this, this."
It's like, you know, you have to allow her to do that.
A lot of men complain that women talk too much.
No, they're just trying to get through it.
And women claim that men don't talk enough.
That's 'cause we sit... We silently
sort through our feelings.
We need to have our hand in our pants, touching our dick a little bit.
To sort.
[MIMICS DINGING]
And women are like... [MUMBLING]
Mimosas... [MUMBLING] Coffee... [MUMBLING]
Cheese sandwiches... [MUMBLING] And that's...
You got to respect each other's processes.
There's nothing wrong with somebody talking through their shit.
And when your woman come and want to talk to you, respect that.
Respect the fact that she doesn't really want to talk to you,
she wants, um...
She wants a conversational spotter.
She don't want you to lift the weights.
No, she gonna lift the weights.
You just have to stand behind her...
while she putting in that work.
"Oh, these bitches at work are getting on my motherfucking nerves."
"Go on." "Well, it's just that..."
[EXHALES]
[EXHALES] "Little bitch fucked my money up again."
"Who?"
"That bitch in accounting! What's her name? Uh..."
"You mean Barbara?" "Yeah, Barbara! Barbara!
"Barbara fucked my money up again!
"I know that bitch don't like me."
Clink, clink. And then what you do? You know.
And then, ladies, when you... [LAUGHS]
When you want your man to respond...
'Cause I really think, fellas...
We're action-oriented creatures, so we're fixers.
So when a woman is in distress, we want to fix it,
but sometimes she just needs you to be, like,
"Word, that's crazy." Like, she don't...
But then, sometimes, ladies, you want us to take action,
and you have to know how to activate us.
And how you activate us is, you say,
"Baby, I need you to."
If you say that...
And you came, like, "What you need to do...
"what you need." Oh.
And my ex-wife used to kill me with the "What you need to do."
My dick goes right up into my body. I'm not...
[GROANS SOFTLY]
[WHIMPERING] "I'm not doing nothing.'
[WHIMPERING]
No good.
But if she said... If you use that same voice
you used to get us, like, "Baby, I need you to..."
We're gonna be like...
"Do what?"
"I will do anything."
"Kill Barbara." "Kill Barbara.
"Kill Barbara."
[MIMICS FRANKENSTEIN TUNE]
[CHUCKLES]
That nigga... [LAUGHS]
She'll be like, "Why is Barbara getting choked the..."
[MIMICS FRANKENSTEIN TUNE]
"Get this Boris Karloff-looking nigga off of me."
[MIMICS FRANKENSTEIN TUNE]
"This Mary Shelley motherfucker outta here. Like..."
[LAUGHS]
And fellas, you got to know how to give your woman a bounce pass
when she's trying to sort emotionally. You got to be like...
You got to say some smooth shit, like,
"And how did that make you feel?"
And you've got to sell it.
Tilt your head a little bit.
"And how does that make you feel?
"Get the fuck out of here."
That's the bounce pass.
That's all they want to do, is make their point.
You know, you bounce pass, they lay their point up,
and then their coochie coins just come out.
[MIMICS DINGING]
"Ooh, this is a threesome. Ooh.
"A threesome. I'mma keep this one.
"Save it for Puerto Rico."
[CHUCKLES]
But I got... I got three sons,
and I guess that I'm... I'm aware of them.
I'm aware of what they need.
My 12-year-old son has autism,
which is not funny.
And don't get weird
because he's really good-looking.
He's magnificent. He's very lovely.
All the kids are good-looking, but he has,
like, Maxwell hair. Like it's very...
First album. Not like yesterday.
He's amazing. He's great,
he's good-looking, and you can hardly tell.
You can hardly tell he has autism. You know, he passes.
He has light-skin autism.
-There's a range. -WOMAN: Yeah.
There's a range of autism.
There's Wesley Snipes...
where...
you have a language barrier,
your mind processes things differently.
you have physical limitations with coordination
and awkward social interaction.
Then there's Drake autism.
The Drake autism, you just, you know,
make your B's backwards and have trouble
tying your shoe, that's all it really is.
My son got Drake autism.
And that's fine.
We don't... We dress him really nice.
Like, in tuxedos.
Y'all not even... None of you know why you mad at me for saying that.
I tell you, we dress him in tuxedos
'cause Black people have a way of dealing with mentally-ill kids.
They like to dress 'em in terrible clothes.
Stop dressing your fucking slow kids
in fucked up outfits.
Wondering why nobody don't like him.
"Why does he have so much social anxiety?"
'Cause you got him dressed in a Newport sweat suit.
Looking like he just came home.
"Your son is socially awkward."
[CHUCKLES] So we dress him in a tuxedo,
he gets tons of respect in school.
Oh, they love him in school. Oh, he's the man.
They think he's artistic. He comes to school,
do what the fuck he want. Write on the fucking walls
like a badly-behaved Basquiat.
He killin' it. He killin' it.
He's doing well.
[CHUCKLES]
We don't have a problem with him having autism.
We have a problem with the fact that he knows that we know
that he has autism.
And he milks it.
Oh, he milks it well.
He knows how to, you know.
He uses it like a power to get out of shit.
Other day, I saw him, like, you know, any given day.
Kids over here doing their thing. My three sons over here doing their thing.
Just doing kid shit.
Eighteen, 15, 12. They over there doing their thing.
I'm like, "Hey, in five minutes,
"we're gonna clean up, do some chores,
"get ready for the next activity."
I give my kids time,
that buffer time, that five minutes time
to adapt and adjust
so that there's a smooth transition.
Especially kids with autism.
You need to give 'em that.
Everybody else adapts, except for him.
Five minutes, I come back later, he's still doing the same shit.
I'm like, "Hey, hey, man. We gotta...
"We gonna do something else."
"Can't do it."
"What?" "I can't do it.
"I can't do it. I can't... I'm not doing that."
"And why not?" "'Cause...
"'cause my autism is flaring up."
"What?"
"Yeah, my autism. Look, my autism is...
"It's fucking up. I can't..."
I said, "Excuse me." "Yeah, look at autism-y leg.
"Look at the... I can't... I can't...
"My autism-y leg
"Autism-y up my whole side, autised up.
"It's autists.
"It's autists."
I said, "You motherfucker, that's multiple sclerosis.
"That's not even the right disease."
"I hope some motherfuckers with multiple sclerosis
"come and fuck you up,
"rip up your tuxedo and fuck both of your women."
He rude.
Like I said, I have tremendous...
guilt that I am not the custodial parent.
My ex-wife is the custodial parent.
She watches them 60% of the time,
30% of the time I'm with them,
and 10% of the time they are unaccounted for.
That's fair.
They make it back.
I'm a decent dad.
That when I'm with my kids, I'm amazing.
So basically, I'm a good dad
that spends a decent amount of time with my kids.
I'm not a magnificent dad
'cause I don't live at home with them.
But I ain't "ain't shit" either.
My dad was ain't shit.
So I'm already on an upgrade.
Magnificent dad live at home with the kids,
pay for college,
they go to all those fucking recitals
even when the kid is trash.
I ain't that motherfucker.
Ask my kids. I don't go to none of them recitals
until they get good at shit.
The one in June, the big one, I go to that one. I go to that one.
I put a shirt on. Let's go. "Okay, you good now? Cool."
Nobody wants to see their kid going... [STRAINING]
David Zen Lester.
I'm just like, "Oh, nigga."
I invited my son to my shows when I got good.
I didn't invite him when I was bombing. What the fuck.
Why would I put him through that?
Decent dad, good dad skills.
Teach him how to throw a ball, teach him how to grill.
Teach him not to hit women, but don't let women hit him.
-MAN: Fact. -Right?
Not paying for college.
Not for all of them. I got three.
Pay for one. I'll pay for one.
Treat it like America's Next Top Model. Just walk in the room...
"Hey, one of you...
"I have a check here for one round of college.
"One of you is about to be the next...
"college graduate in the family.
"And you other two niggas gonna have to learn
"to play the clarinet.
"You may deliberate."
I, um, I got tremendous guilt
because they don't live at home with me. I still do.
I want... I like...
I like the idea of molding a kid
in preparing them for the world. I like putting things together, I like to create.
And I think you are what you create. Which is why I did this.
Uh, and I think that
I want to have as much say as I can
on preparing my young men for the world.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
I guess y'all clapping so you ain't got to worry about
these niggers running up on y'all in five years.
And that's fair. [CHUCKLES]
I got three sons. I got an 18-year-old son,
15-year-old son,
and I got a 12-year-old boy who's a twin.
And, uh...
I don't think they're all gonna make it.
WOMAN: Aww.
Bro, who's "awwing"?
You know, you think... How many people here have children
first of all? Can we just talk...
How many children you have?
-MAN 1: Three. -You got three?
So you two have no self-control. Okay.
How many people here have one kid? One kid.
One kid. Lazy. Get the fuck out of here.
You don't even...
You don't even count as a parent,
you are a roommate that looks like the motherfucker.
Who doesn't pay rent. Just... Ugh.
You're raising a sociopath.
He don't even know how to share with anybody. He...
he has no people skills.
He's gonna murder somebody before he's 20.
-How many people have two? Two? -MAN 2: Right here.
Two is ideal. Good job.
That is a great amount.
They have empathy, not like her killer.
Not like her Norman Bates son.
You... Empathy. They know how to play off each other.
That's fair. That's good.
Anything more than that is prohibited, 'cause you can run out of love.
You'll be like, "Oh, where you come from? I'm...
"Uh, can you get it from the other two?
"'Cause I don't have any more. I'm fresh the fuck out."
"I was a good dad to them. You know..."
[CHUCKLES]
"Tell 'em. Yo, talk to him.
"Tell them about Disney World, nigga."
[CHUCKLES]
Right?
So again, you know, ain't shit dad.
I ain't that guy, right? Ain't shit dad
is a dude that calls you every four years, like,
"You know who this is, right?
"Hey, yo.
"You don't know who this is?"
And be mad you don't know who it is.
"You don't know who this is?"
Man, what you doing? Calling to recertify, nigga? What...
And, you know, I know all my kids personality.
Like I said, you know,
before kids with my wife,
I got the three boys and a girl.
I didn't talk about the girl before, because, honestly,
she don't really do anything funny.
She's just really good at life already,
and that's not funny.
This bitch is superb. She's...
far and above her... her siblings.
She's already got it together.
She cut her own umbilical cord when she came out.
She walked at seven months.
Shoplifted at ten. Like, she's really ahead.
But my ex-wife, you know, is frustrated.
She's very overwhelmed with the kids.
She got two teenagers
and two twin 12-year-old tweeners.
It's a lot.
And I'm constantly in my feelings about it.
But she don't want to give up that child support,
so that's where they're gonna stay for a little while.
If she willing to do a sign-and-trade, I'm willing.
I'll keep you posted.
But she calls in the morning.
She likes to call in the morning
to complain about what the kids aren't doing.
The other day, she went... [PANTING]
"I'm tired of waking up and these kids are acting up"
I said, "First of all, you don't let them wake up before you."
You don't let your kids... Anybody that got more than one kid
knows you don't let your kids wake up before you
'cause you might not wake up.
You might wake up on fire.
You might wake up with no roof.
There might be the Feds in your house
kicking your door in, fuck with these little people.
You don't let your kids sleep... You don't let the kids wake up before you.
She talking about, "I'm tired of them waking up before me.
"And tearing up the house."
"Well, get up earlier."
"You know all the answers, don't you?"
"I know some of the answers."
The other morning, she called me four times, I didn't answer.
On the fifth time, I got scared. I got guilt.
I pick up the phone.
"Yeah, Phineas won't put his shoes."
My autismic son.
"He won't put his shoes on the right feet."
"That's what you calling me for?
"That's what you calling me for? Me, Dad?
"I'mma level... I'mma clear the room, motherfucker.
"You call me when the nigga slaps you or..."
[CHUCKLES]
"He did some real shit.
"But word? He won't put his shoes on the right feet?
"And you're worried about it?" "Yes.
"Making me late."
"Send his ass to school.
"And let his peers sort him out.
"He go to school with Black kids."
"Word?"
"What are those?
"Yo, look at this nigga. Aah!
"The tuxedo nigga is wilin', son.
"Aah!
"Aah!"
That nigga will come home, put his shoes on the right feet.
And get a busted Virginia, like, you'll never see him again.
Overparenting. Overparenting.
"Oh, you got all the answers, Mr. Psychologist, Mr. Social Worker?"
"No. But I tend to adapt well."
"Really?" "Really."
"Well, guess what?" "What is it?"
"I'm going away for ten days for work in Europe."
And I was like, "Speak your piece."
"And you've got to watch 'em." "Game on."
I'm me. I'm easy-going.
I don't get emotional when the kids do something.
They're kids.
I get emotional when they do grown-up shit, like clean up after themselves.
[WHIMPERS]
[GASPS]
My plan is simple. Wake up before them.
Talk to God, so I know how to talk to them.
Make myself a cup of coffee.
Get ready to deal with whoever I need to deal with.
They are all different kids.
I got an 18-year-old. He's a self-starter.
I ain't gotta do shit with him.
He gets up, he's out. So we let him sleep later.
Why? Because he don't need nothin'.
Second one, 15-year-old. He's coming around. He's a little...
He drags some time, but he gets out on time.
My daughter, as I said,
is magnificent. She was ready last night.
[CHUCKLES]
She'd been waiting by the door with her pantsuit on,
an attache case, looking like Hillary Clinton. She's like, "Uh...
"Would you niggas hurry up? I have a...
"I have a hostile takeover at ten o'clock."
And then there's my 12-year-old son.
-Remedial boy. -[WOMAN LAUGHING]
You don't know him.
He just... In the morning,
he just... he just be over it.
He just...
So I wake him up at four o'clock in the morning,
get a good running start,
so we can get out at 7:30.
You know. I'm a micromanager.
"Go pee. Pull your pants down."
I don't know what it is about autismic kids,
but they pull their pants all the way down, nigga.
I'm like, "Don't do this outside, man."
This nigga pull his pants off like he a porn star.
I'm like, "When did Vixen get here?"
Then you gotta micromanage him in the bathtub.
"Look, man, you got to turn the water on first.
"Then you gotta... you gotta lather up.
"You got to rinse the soap off.
"Then you gotta put your underwear on.
"Dry off first.
"Then you gotta brush your teeth.
"Don't swallow the toothpaste, bro. Come on.
"We just did this yesterday."
And then he's finally ready. And when they come home from school,
I talk to each of them, find out how their day was.
I don't yell at 'em in the morning,
'cause that fucks up their whole day. That fucks up their whole day.
Imagine somebody four times your size yelled at you on the train.
"Look, motherfucker..." You'd be... Your...
No. You would not be productive.
[CHUCKLES]
"A giant just cussed me out on the A Train."
[CHUCKLES]
So I say I'll deal with them when they get home.
I address it over a meal
so that they're nourished and they're open.
When the kids are doing an activity, they are open.
Their defenses are down, you can really get to the heart of the matter.
Right? And I talk to 'em, I find out what's going on.
I meet them where they're at
and escort them where they need to be.
And that was going on for nine days.
It was magnificent.
I ran offense like an NBA coach.
Morale was high.
No one asked where mom was. Grades went up.
It was great.
Nine days, air-tight,
until the tenth day. I rested.
[EXHALING]
I overslept.
And I finally understood what my ex-wife had been talking about.
That fatigue, boy.
And I woke up to... [SCREAMS]
[MIMICKING EXPLOSIONS, SCREAMING, BARKING, GUNSHOTS]
I said, "What the fuck is going on?" Here come my oldest son.
"Dad." [PANTING]
"You got to look at Starling." My daughter.
"You got to look at Starling. Come, look, Dad.
"Please."
I said, "What the fuck?"
You're trying to listen... [CHUCKLES]
You don't want no surprises.
"What's going on?" "Look at Starling."
And I'm looking at my daughter, there was nothing wrong with her.
She seemed fine. Her head was attached,
there was no blood, she wasn't crying.
She's in there like...
I'm like, "What? What is it?" He's like, "Are you serious?
"Look at her!" I said, "What? I don't... What's wrong?
"Zen, what's wrong? Talk to me."
"Dad, you can't see what's wrong with her?"
I said, "No.
"What's wrong with her?
He said, "Where are her eyebrows?"
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Her eyebrows...
[BLOWS]
She had taken my shaver...
and shaved off everything.
There was nothing. She was thorough. She was...
There was nothing left. It was bald.
It was like this, but right here.
Nothing. She got everything.
And I'm like, "No."
My whole spine like...
Because this is significant for a lot of reasons.
This is a little... This is my only ex-wife's little girl...
Ex-wife's only little girl.
Black women put their narcissism on their little girls.
When she sees this shit,
it's not gonna play out well in child support court.
I'm finished.
"Oh, shit.
"What Elsa gonna do?
"Oh, woe is me."
Then I got cool. Emotional intelligence.
I shaved off my oldest son's eyebrows.
[BLOWING]
Shaved off my 15... [BLOWING]
"No, I got... No. No.
"All or nothing, nigga. All or nothing."
Shaved off my... [BLOWING]
I shaved mine off.
[BLOWING]
[CHUCKLES]
My ex-wife walked back in,
we were like, 'Yeah. Hmm, what? What?"
I said, "What's what? What's wrong? Huh?"
We looked like the version of Us.
"What, what, what? This how we look."
"Excuse me?"
"No eyebrows run in my family.
"See, if you'd spent more time...
"if you'd spent more time with us,
"you would know that."
Dave Lester. Thank you all.
[CROWD CHEERING]
["CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER" PLAYING]