[applause]
[man] Please give it up for the man you came to watch.
Downloaded from YTS.MX
It's me, Dr. Jason Leong!
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
-[loud cheering] -[electronic music playing]
Wow, all right.
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes,
I still do my own intros.
[crowd chuckles]
I have a Netflix special,
but still no money to hire someone to do that for me.
-That's right. -[laughter]
You know, it's nice to be in Singapore, and I mean that genuinely, okay?
It's not a hacky showbiz thing to say, "It's nice to be here." No.
I love being in Singapore, okay?
Because I come from Selangor. Okay?
Anybody here from Selangor? Give me a cheer, Selangor people?
-[cheering] -[Jason] Yeah?
Now, Selangor is an amazing place, okay?
Selangor is the only place in the whole world
where you can have major flooding everywhere…
[laughter]
…and at the same time, no water supply.
[laughter]
It's amazing, okay?
Inside no water, outside too much water. I don't know how.
[laughter]
You can die of thirst in a flood in Selangor.
Absolutely amazing, you know? Amazing.
But, yes, Malaysia has gone through a lot of shit right now, okay?
All the Malaysians, give me a cheer, Malaysians?
-[loud cheering] -[Jason] Yeah?
Malaysia is going through a lot of shit right now, okay?
So much so that Malaysians are beginning to look to stand-up comedians
for truth and clarity about the state of the nation.
[laughter]
I'm not making this up, okay?
Every time a politician says something stupid in Malaysia,
Malaysians will go on social media and say,
"Oh my God, Jason, how you gonna make money as a comedian?
Our politicians are funnier than comedians!"
[laughter]
"How are you going to make money?
They are so much funnier than you, Jason.
Our politicians are funnier than comedians."
And I hate that comparison, okay?
Stop comparing comedians to politicians. We are very different, okay?
Comedians like me, we think before we speak.
[laughter]
Different.
[cheering, applause]
It's true!
We comedians, we work really hard, okay?
Comedians like me, we have punchlines.
Malaysian politicians have a line of people
waiting to punch them. It's very different.
[laughter, applause]
But, yes, Malaysia is going through a lot of shit.
A lot of racism, a lot of corruption.
Our future never looked so bleak. But don't despair.
Do not be afraid, my fellow Malaysians.
Because soon, Malaysia will have
the world's second-tallest tower!
That's right!
Yes. That will solve all our problems.
[laughter]
I didn't know that Malaysia's biggest problem was a lack of towers.
[laughter]
And the… This is true, right?
The architects of the tower say that they modeled the tower
after the iconic photo of Tunku Abdul Rahman,
our founding father's famous pose, when he posed like this,
when he declared the independence of Malaya, right?
So, they modeled the tower after this, okay?
But if you look really closely at the tower,
it's not modeled after Tunku Abdul Rahman's famous pose.
It's modeled after Malaysian politicians
giving Malaysia the middle finger.
[laughter]
Before I go on with the show, I just wanna say
at the bottom of my heart, sincerely and genuinely,
thanks to each and every one of you for doing your duty,
for doing the responsible thing and getting vaccinated, all right?
Because in the deepest, darkest depths of the pandemic,
I wasn't sure that one day, stand-up comedy could come back,
much less touring around the world doing comedy, live comedy, right?
So, thanks to all of you, we get to do this again.
Singapore has reopened, live events have reopened
and I get to do this, okay?
So, thank you so much, okay?
[applause]
This is the most important thing in my life, okay?
I love this the most.
And by this, I mean your money.
[laughter]
Mmm!
Singapore dollars.
Mmm! [smooching sounds]
[Jason laughs]
Now, this year, I'm 37 years old, okay?
Now, I just wanna check, people my age, 35 and above, give me a cheer?
Thirty-five and above?
[tired cheering]
Can you tell how tired they sound?
[laughter]
This guy in the front row, right? Thirty-five and above? "Yay."
The shoulder can't even go up, I understand.
Shoulder problem, I understand. I understand.
I also got shoulder problem, I understand.
I'm not making fun of you, I know. Too hard, too hard. I understand, okay?
And now, guys my age, right, 35 and above,
we are always reminded of our impending mortality
when someone younger,
especially if it's a younger, prettier girl,
calls us the U word.
All right, what's the U word?
-[crowd] Uncle. -Uncle.
The moment someone calls us uncle, heart attack, back pain. Ow.
Why so old? Alzheimer's coming. Okay?
And ladies, you get this too right, ladies?
You get called the A word. What's the A word?
-[crowd] Auntie. -[Jason] Auntie.
The moment someone calls you auntie, "Menopause, why suddenly so fast?"
[laughter]
"I'm 35. Why dry already? Why?"
[laughter]
I understand, okay? We've all had those kind of stories.
But my story can trump all your stories, okay?
Late last year in December,
there's a new nasi lemak stall near my house.
So, I went to buy nasi lemak.
And this stall is run by an elderly couple.
Sixty-five and above, easily. White hair, very old.
And I paid the money. I took the nasi lemak.
The uncle running the stall, he looks at me and he goes,
"Hey, thank you, bro."
[laughter]
I'm not your bro.
The moment the uncle called me bro, my penis fell off.
[laughter]
But, yes, I'm getting older, you know.
And I think that sentence, "I'm getting older," is very meaningless.
It has no meaning whatsoever in language
because it offers no new information.
Everyone and everything at every time is getting older.
"I'm getting older." What a useless sentence. Right?
Not interesting at all.
You want to be interesting, say something like,
"Hey, I'm getting younger." "How? That's interesting!"
"I'm getting older." Very boring.
Can you imagine two guys having a conversation with that standard?
You know, like, "Hey, man, how's life?"
"Oh, you know, lah. Same old, same old.
Sun rises in the east, sets in the west.
Earth rotates.
Inhale oxygen,
exhale carbon dioxide.
Food goes in, shit comes out."
"Why are you telling me all the things I already know?
What's wrong with you?"
"I'm getting older."
"Hey, I'm also getting older! Let's talk about this!"
No new information, okay?
But, yes, I'm getting older. Right?
You know how I'm getting older?
I know I'm getting older because nowadays, my knees start to make sounds
when I bend or squat, okay?
Anybody here whose knees make sounds, give me a clap?
[scattered clapping]
I don't know whether you're clapping or the knees are knocking.
-I don't know, but… -[laughter]
Yeah, my left knee now makes a sound no other knee makes, okay?
You guys wanna hear my left knee make sounds?
I'll bend my knee and put the microphone down.
You can hear my knee. You wanna hear my knee?
-[crowd] Yes! -Okay, ready, here we go. Okay.
"Fuck you." Did you hear that?
[laughter]
[Jason] Did you…?
So rude, my knee. So rude.
Another thing that makes me feel old
is that I now have a two-year-old daughter, okay?
And my wife and I, three years ago, before we had any children,
we were much happier back then…
[laughter]
And all our friends with children,
they were very smug, patronizing, and condescending.
They all told us the same thing, said, "Hey, Jason, have a child!
Have a child, Jason!
Once you have a child, your life will be so meaningful.
Have a child!
When you have a child,
the bond between you and your wife is so much stronger.
Have a child!
When you have a child, there'll always be a rainbow above your house.
Have a child!
When you have a child, you will always find parking.
Have a child!"
[laughter]
And true enough, right, when I announced on Facebook
that my wife and I, we were expecting a baby,
all those same assholes, privately message me on Facebook,
"Haha, Jason, you will never sleep again!"
[laughter]
Why?
And we've been parents for two years now. Things are okay, thankfully.
Not enough for those same assholes. Still very smug.
"Hey, Jason, have another child."
[laughter]
"Have another child. Your daughter is so lonely.
She needs a sibling to play with. Have another child.
Have two children."
Now, I'm wiser now, okay?
And I know that the only people on planet Earth
who truly, genuinely want to have two children
are those with three children.
[laughter, applause]
Ask them, ask them, ask them.
They were all hoping the pandemic will take one of their children away.
[laughter]
Yeah, these are my children. Yes, these are my children. Yeah.
We are not vaccinating this one.
No need. No need this one.
Go and play, go and play. Go, go.
No need to wear the mask.
[laughter]
But here's the thing.
As a parent, I'm exposed to a lot of parenting hazards, okay?
The main ones are
other parents.
I can't stand parents who like to show off their children, okay?
I'm okay if you're proud of your child, no problem.
But I draw the red line when it comes to showing off your child, okay?
I had a friend, she's a mom.
She uploaded on Instagram a photo of her child's drawing, okay?
Now, the child is very sweet, seven years old,
and the drawing is a typical child's drawing of a house, okay?
There's the roof, okay?
The building of the house, the two windows, the door,
the grass around the house, the rainbow, the sun.
And the child labeled the drawing "Our Home," okay? No problem.
But the mother's caption on Instagram was damn bloody obnoxious.
The mother's caption was, "Oh my God,
my son is going to be Picasso!"
[laughter]
And I was like, "No, bitch."
[laughter]
"Your son is not going to be Picasso.
Picasso revolutionized the world of art.
Your son drew a triangle on a rectangle
and called it your home.
Which is bullshit.
Because you live in an apartment."
[laughter]
"You don't have that kind of roof.
You cannot afford that kind of roof.
Your roof is someone else's floor.
Every day, someone takes a shit above your head.
So, don't…"
[laughter]
Now, like I said, I'm very thankful
that we are slowly but surely getting out of this pandemic, you know.
But as a former medical doctor with some scientific knowledge
and as a stand-up comedian with some observational skills,
I can't help but think about the next disease
that will cause the next pandemic.
And I think I got it.
I think I know what is the next disease that will cause global chaos.
The next disease that will cause the next pandemic
is the disease of middle-aged men who think they can ride bicycles.
[laughter]
[Jason] Yeah.
You see them all the time on the weekends, okay?
All these uncles, they will ride their expensive bicycles,
and they will all wear the tightest…
[laughter]
The tightest
shirts, the tightest pants.
Right? They will cycle in front of all the cars at the red traffic light.
They'll cycle, cycle, cycle.
They will stop in front of all the cars, right?
Cycle in front of all the cars.
They stop, they dismount, and they all do this.
-[grunts] -[crowd laughs]
Everyone can see. Everyone can see.
Mothers can see.
Children are watching. "Mommy, what's he doing, Mommy? Disgusting!"
[laughter]
It is a disgusting hobby!
[laughter]
Yeah. And there's an acronym for this, okay?
It's called MAMIL. M-A-M-I-L.
Middle-Aged Men In Lycra.
Yeah.
Last year, I was the first car at the traffic light, right?
Right in front. Red light.
And this guy cycled past me.
Now, I'm not in the best of shape, but this guy was quite large.
And he wore the tightest, brightest, yellowest shirt I've ever seen in my life.
It was like the sun was passing by.
[laughter]
He cycled in front of me, he stop, he dismounted.
Then he takes out a bottle of water.
And he starts dousing himself
like he is in a magazine cover shoot.
[laughter]
I wanted to wind down my window and say, "Hey.
You look like a diabetic Pikachu. Stop this shit!"
[laughter, applause]
It is a stupid hobby, okay?
And I will explain to you why in a few moments, right?
But this disease first started in 2020 during lockdown
because during lockdown, the government didn't allow people
to jog or walk outside, but they allowed cycling
because, apparently, you can outrun the virus.
[laughter]
So, some of my friends, they started cycling, right?
I had not hated cycling back then yet, okay?
So, one of my friends, avid cyclist, he calls me and goes,
"Hey, Jason, you wanna come and cycle with me and my friends on Saturday?"
Now, I'm a very open-minded guy. Anything new, I try once, no problem.
So I said, "Yeah, sure, I would love to come cycling with you.
Oh, but I don't have the…
I don't have the tight shirt and the tight pants.
You know, all my clothes are normal sized.
You know, I don't have any clothing from my childhood."
[laughter]
"And I don't have the bicycle."
But my friend, very nice, he goes, "Don't worry, Jason.
You are about my size, so I will lend you a pair of my shirt.
I'll lend you a pair of my pants.
And also, I got an extra bicycle, so you can use the bicycle."
Very nice.
Then, my friend said something which gave me pause, okay?
My friend then said, "By the way, before I forget, Jason,
before you come to the house on the Saturday morning,
don't wear underwear."
[laughter]
"Sorry, bro, the reception not good.
What did you say?"
"I said, before you come to the house on the Saturday morning,
don't wear underwear."
"Sorry. So sorry, bro, so funny, the reception is so bad,
I thought I heard you say, 'Don't wear underwear.'
Ha, ha.
What did you actually say?"
"Yeah, Jason, I said, before you come to the house on Saturday,
don't wear underwear.
When we cycle, we don't wear underwear."
[laughter]
And that's how I found out
that all these cyclists you see on the road,
they don't wear underwear!
[laughter]
I'm not making this up!
I can see this is news to some of you.
[laughter]
I repeat.
All these cyclists,
when they wear the tight shirt and the really tight pants,
so tight you can see their inner child…
[laughter]
They're not wearing underwear!
That's how I found out, in that telephone conversation. Right?
I swear to God, I thought my friend wanted to fuck me.
[laughter]
I thought he was going to take me cycling and then take me.
[laughter]
And it would be much easier without the underwear.
You know, I'm saying, like,
"Sorry, bro, I cannot go cycling."
"Why you cannot go cycling?" "I got COVID."
[laughter]
"I got Stage 8 COVID.
I got COVID on my mouth,
my penis, and my asshole, don't take me cycling."
[laughter]
Yeah, all these cyclists, they don't wear underwear.
And let me explain to you
why all these cyclists, they don't wear underwear.
And, by the way, this is why you should always support my comedy career.
Because for your entertainment's sake,
I Googled, "Why cyclists don't wear underwear."
[laughter]
"Why cyclists don't wear underwear" is in my Google search history.
My algorithm is fucked up.
[laughter]
Pornhub recommends me really weird porn.
[laughter]
Have you all watched bicycle porn?
I have.
[laughter]
So, let me explain to you why all these cyclists, they don't wear underwear.
Now, the bicycles that they buy is very expensive.
But the seats are rigid and hard. No padding.
The padding is sewn into their tight pants, okay?
And the manufacturer says
that the padding is meant to clench really tightly to the genitals
to maintain a very tight fit, okay?
And why all these things very tight?
Because they want to have the aerodynamic…
[laughter]
The aerodynamic…
The aerodynamic flow of the body so that they can cycle a bit faster, all right?
So, if you wear underwear, you will disrupt the tight fit
and then you disrupt the aerodynamic flow of the air around your genitals, okay?
So, all these cyclists, they have all made a conscious decision
to not wear underwear so they can cycle a bit faster.
-That's all. -[laughter]
With that knowledge, right, I want to go to all the cafés
where all these uncles, after cycling, they will just hang out.
Like that. "Yeah, ah, good cycling."
Hanging out literally and figuratively after cycling.
Like, "Whoa, what a good cycling. Very good. Very good."
I want to take a loudspeaker and go, "Hey, they're not wearing underwear!"
[laughter]
Just now I said that cycling is a stupid hobby, okay?
Because in Malaysia, all these cyclists, when they cycle,
they cycle on the most dangerous part of Malaysia.
Malaysian roads.
Malaysian roads are very dangerous. Malaysian roads, right?
If any Malaysian road next to a hill, rain a bit,
the hill will slide and kill everybody, you know.
Certain parts of KL, the MRT track can break off and fall,
kill people below, right?
Some roads, Tuesday, Wednesday, random day,
there's a sinkhole, suddenly, a sinkhole.
All the cars dive, all die.
Death on Malaysian roads can come from the side, in front, and above.
[laughter]
And all these cyclists are cycling, no road tax, no road insurance,
no airbags, no underwear, what are they thinking?
[laughter]
And when they cycle on Malaysian roads, they are sharing the space
with the most dangerous animal on planet Earth.
Malaysian drivers.
On average, every Malaysian driver kills two people per annum.
I just killed mine last week, okay?
[laughter]
I asked my friends, I said, "Guys, don't you know cycling is so dangerous?
You'll get into a road traffic accident!"
My friend goes, "You must understand, Jason,
cycling is very good for your cardiovascular health."
[laughter]
Real conversation.
So, like I said, I always challenge my friends.
"Guys, it's so dangerous to cycle. Why are you all cycling?"
But they are very delusional. They have rebuttals.
They go, "Jason, when we cycle, we practice safety precautions."
"Okay, what are your safety precautions?"
"When we cycle on the roads, we make sure to cycle
in groups."
[laughter]
"Oh.
So let me get this straight.
If there is one cyclist, the lorry knocks the cyclist,
the cyclist dies.
But if there's ten cyclists,
the lorry knocks the ten cyclists,
and the lorry bounce back. Okay, I understand."
[laughter]
"If the lorry driver knocks ten cyclists, the lorry driver gets injured.
Okay, I understand. I understand. Makes sense, okay."
Now, these cyclists, the bicycles are very expensive.
So, to maintain this hobby,
all these champions, they need to have a day job, okay?
So, most of them, they cycle at night.
At night on Malaysian roads. A dangerous place with lower visibility.
I said, "Guys, seriously, this can't… this can't be safe.
You must be stupid to cycle at night."
Rebuttal, "Jason, when we cycle at night, we practice safety precautions.
When we cycle at night, we make sure we put the…
the blinking red lights."
Blinking red lights.
Because Malaysians are very famous for obeying red lights.
[laughter]
I'll tell you a separate story, okay?
I had a friend. One day, he drove to a bar.
He got drunk.
He drove home at night, under the influence.
It's his fault, shouldn't have done that, okay?
But on the way home, his car ran into a group of cyclists at night, okay?
Nobody was hurt, unfortunately.
[laughter]
The next day, when I found out, I called him up and said,
"You idiot! How could you have run into a group of cyclists at night?
Didn't you see the blinking red lights?"
And he goes, "Yeah, bro, I was so drunk,
I thought they were fireflies."
[laughter]
"You're an idiot!
When was the last time you saw fireflies in Kuala Lumpur?"
He goes, "Never! My first time. That's why I drove faster to see!"
[laughter]
And some of my friends, they are not yet cyclists,
but they want to cycle.
And I'm trying my best to convince them not to cycle, okay?
Said, "You'll get into a traffic accident. Please don't cycle."
One of my friend goes, "Jason, don't worry.
When I buy my bicycle, I will also buy safety equipment.
I will buy the helmet, and I will buy the knee pads."
I said, "I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say, okay?
I don't think there's ever been a time in cycling history
where a cyclist gets into an accident,
his mangled body is brought to the hospital,
and this guy, skull fractured, eyes coming out of the socket,
nose broken, teeth shattered, tongue missing, neck broken,
lungs contused, ribcage broken, intestinal bleeding,
pelvic bone broken, five different places,
no underwear."
[laughter]
"Knees shattered.
I don't think any doctor looks at the mangled body and go,
'If only he wore knee pads.'"
[laughter]
"So stupid."
Like I said, I'm very glad to be here. Glad to be touring live.
Now, if I can take you back two years ago, 2019.
2019 was an amazing year for me
because I was doing two major tours around the world.
I felt like a rock star, you know, doing comedy.
Living the dream, touring around the world, making money.
"Yeah, I feel like a rock star."
And 2019 was the year that I felt that the next year,
my comedy career was gonna take off onto a different trajectory.
Because two things happened, right?
Firstly, the media started to take me more seriously, all right?
Back then, when I first started,
a lot of the media when they asked me questions,
they love to ask me stupid questions, right?
And my favorite stupid question from the media is,
"Hey, Dr. Jason, you used to be a medical doctor.
Now, you're a comedian.
Can you tell us if laughter is the best medicine?"
[laughter]
Fuck you.
[crowd laughs]
How to answer this question? I have no idea how to answer.
Till today, I don't know how to answer that question, okay?
The only way I can answer is to quote my fellow comedian, Douglas Lim,
by saying, "No, laughter is not the best medicine.
Not if the guy has diarrhea."
[laughter]
"If the guy has diarrhea, don't make him laugh!"
[laughter]
But in 2019, the media started to take me seriously.
They ask me questions like,
"Jason, what is your role as a stand-up comedian
in a country where freedom of speech
is often curtailed in service of those in power?"
Ooh, yeah, ask me, ask me.
Ooh, ask me, ask me, ask me.
"Jason, when you travel, how do your jokes
transcend racial and religious boundaries
in a global society
where we're increasingly getting more and more polarized?"
Oh yeah, ask me, ask me. Ask me, ask me.
I don't know how to answer, but ask me, ask me.
Oh yeah, ask me, ask me.
[laughter]
And then validation also came from another person, my mom, okay?
Now, my mom, when I first started doing comedy, my mom very skeptical.
She said, "Jason, are you sure you want to do comedy?
You used to be a doctor, stable job, now you do comedy.
Are you sure you can survive? Can you make money?
Our politicians are funnier than you. Can you make money as a comedian?"
[laughter]
But in 2019, my mom calls me out of the blue and goes,
"Jason, my friend Auntie Susan, her company has an annual dinner.
She wants you to perform.
She's asking me to ask you whether you're available.
I said I will check with you on your dates.
And then she asked me how much you charge.
And then I said that you would charge 40,000 ringgit,
and when you get the gig, I will take 40% commission, okay?"
[laughter]
"Okay, bye-bye."
So now, my mom is okay with my comedy career
when she can make money off me.
[laughter]
So, 2019 was amazing. I was touring around the world,
making money, felt like a rock star,
media validated me, my mom validated me.
I thought, "Oh, 2019 is an awesome year! I feel like a rock star, yeah!
Fuck medicine, I love comedy!
Fuck being a doctor, I'm a stand-up comedian, baby!
This is my year!
Next year, 2020, is gonna be my year!"
And then 2020 happened.
A virus ravages the planet.
Comedy events are not allowed to happen.
And then suddenly everyone around the world is like, "We love doctors!
Doctors are our heroes!
They are the last line of defense!
Not all heroes wear capes!"
Like, fuck! And I'm at home doing nothing.
[laughter]
Feeling like shit.
And the worst is, my wife is a doctor, was a doctor during the pandemic.
She's an anesthetist, okay?
And as an anesthetist, she took care of the worst COVID patients, right?
All the patients you see in the ICU, ventilated,
she takes care of those patients, right?
So, every day, she came back like a rock star.
"Oh yeah, today, I saved a lot of lives today, whoo."
And I'm at home doing nothing, okay?
I'm just picking fights with people on Twitter.
[laughter]
My only contribution is, "Fuck you, take the vaccine.
Fuck you take the vaccine. Fuck you take the vaccine."
That's my only contribution
to the pandemic.
And the lockdown
really brought the two different realities of our professions
into very stark focus, okay?
Because, like, let's say it's a bad day at the hospital, right?
My wife comes home. Says, "Jason,
today was a bad day at the hospital.
They brought in an 18-year-old boy, Stage 5 COVID,
but they brought him too late, you know.
We tried our best. We intubated him in the ICU.
But it's too late. We lost a patient today. He died.
The 18-year-old boy died.
And this boy was the only child in the family.
So, when the parents came, they were very sad.
They cried so loudly that the whole hospital could hear them cry.
I cried with them. So sad, Jason.
Today was a bad day at the hospital. Today was a bad day.
How was your day?"
[laughter]
"Ah, yeah, ah, today was a bad day for me also.
Today, I attended an online Zoom comedy event.
I spent the first five minutes doing this,
'Hello, can you hear me? Hello, can you hear me?
I can't hear you. Can you hear me? Hello?
It was an open-mic comedy Zoom event.
Five people attended.
I tried some new jokes, and nobody laughed."
[laughter]
[voice shaking] "Today was a bad day for me.
Bad day."
My wife, "It's okay, Jason, it's okay."
My wife is consoling me. "Jason, it's okay. It's okay."
And it's worse when it's a good day at the hospital.
She comes home. "Jason.
Today was a good day at the hospital. Today good day.
They brought in a 36-weeks pregnant lady, Stage 5 COVID,
but we stabilized her in the ICU,
stabilized her well enough so that we can deliver the baby via Caesarean section.
The baby is fine, the mother is fine.
Jason, today, we saved two lives today, Jason.
We saved two lives today."
[laughter]
"We saved two lives today, Jason.
My team saved two lives today.
One, two. Two lives.
I saved two lives today, Jason.
I saved two lives today.
How was your day?"
[laughter]
"Yeah, ah, today also good day for me also.
Today, I attended an online Zoom comedy event.
I figured out how to unmute myself."
[laughter]
"It was an online open-mic comedy event.
Eight people attended.
I tried my new jokes
and it turns out they were better received when they can hear me."
[laughter]
"Out of the eight people that attended, four people laughed."
[laughter]
"Four people laughed."
[laughter, clapping]
"Four people laughed. Four. Four people laughed.
And I don't know about you, but laughter is the best medicine."
[laughter]
I'll never forget this day. This is a true story, okay?
So, one day during the lockdown,
I was in my room with my computer doing research for this show.
The show that I'm doing for you right now.
And my wife was in the master bedroom with the laptop, right,
doing research for her thesis, right?
Something very unimportant and boring.
[laughter]
It was some research about, like, hip fractures, okay?
And we left our one-and-a-half-year-old baby
in the crib in the living room just by herself.
She can play by herself, right?
So, it was a very nice afternoon, right?
I'm working, wife working, baby in the crib.
And then after about half an hour, the baby starts to cry.
[mimics crying]
We can hear the crying through the doors, right?
Immediately, I went, "Excuse me, can you have a look at the baby, please?
I'm doing research for the show."
My wife.
"Uh, I'm doing actual research."
[laughter]
"Ah, excuse me, I'm going to tour this show.
A lot of people are going to watch this show. A lot of people."
My wife.
"Everyone has hips."
[laughter]
"Can you have a look at the baby, please?"
Said, "No, can you have a look at the baby, please?"
"No, you look at the baby, please!"
We are both arguing through the door, through the walls. "Look at the baby!"
And our baby can hear the two parents neglecting her.
No love whatsoever.
Then our baby starts to cry even louder,
to a point where the starts to retch and she vomits.
-[man in crowd] Oh. -Exactly, "oh."
When the baby cries and vomits, that is the red line.
You must attend, okay? So I did the right thing.
I put my foot down. I said, "Have a look at the baby, please!"
[laughter]
"I'm doing… researching this show! This show is very important to me.
I'm going to make Singapore dollars!"
[laughter]
"Can you please have a look at the baby?
Can you be a mother?"
-[crowd] Ooh. -[Jason] Yep.
[soft laughter]
I hear my wife stop arguing. I hear a beat of silence.
I hear the door open. [mimics creaking]
I can hear footsteps to the baby. I can hear the baby, "Whaah."
And then, slowly, she cuddles, and the baby stops crying.
I hear a beat of silence.
Then, I hear footsteps coming to my door.
[laughter]
And I don't know how to explain to the unmarried men here,
but married men can tell
when footsteps are angry.
[laughter]
My wife fucking furious. She kicks open the door, boom!
"What the fuck are you doing that is so fucking important?!"
And there I am in front of the computer
Googling, "Why cyclists don't wear underwear."
[laughter]
"This is for the show, I promise. It's for the show.
I will set up the joke that I'll call back later. Very funny one. Please, this…
Laughter is the best medicine. Please…
Singapore dollars. I don't know why it's Pornhub.
But I'm saying, like…"
[laughter]
It's a true story, by the way.
A bit exaggerated, but it's a true story.
[laughter]
So, that was 2020, you know, and then end of 2021,
the borders started to reopen and I took advantage of that.
I went, I traveled to New York City to do stand-up comedy.
The mecca of comedy.
And when I was there, I also trained
in one of the top jiujitsu gyms in New York, okay?
Now, some of you may know I do jiujitsu.
It's a grappling martial art. I've been doing it for many years.
Now, I know I don't look like a martial artist.
[laughter]
But I know lots of jiujitsu moves, okay?
Jiujitsu has made my grips very strong, okay?
So, if anyone of you wants to rush the stage,
challenge me, and want to slap me, I…
[laughter]
I will call the cops. I will call the cops.
[laughter]
And then I'll sue you for Singaporean dollars. I will do it.
[laughter]
So, yes, I went to New York City to do jiujitsu.
I trained at the Marcelo Garcia Academy of Jiujitsu.
Marcelo Garcia is like
the Denzel Washington or Tom Hanks of jiujitsu.
Legendary coach.
So I went to this top gym. Very expensive.
I paid 300 dollars for three weeks of lessons, right?
A lot of money, but it's worth it
because the gym was the most advanced gym I've ever seen in my life.
The best mats. The best pads.
High-tech ventilation system because of COVID.
You can scan in to enter the gym with just a thumbprint.
Whoa, so advanced.
Went to the gym first day, paid my money, grappled with the coach,
good sweat, good workout, whoa, feel so high.
"Yes! Thank you, Professor. High five, that was awesome."
Then I went into the changing area to change and get ready to shower.
I went into the showering area,
and the showering area of the best gym in New York City
is just one big room,
eight shower heads,
no dividers.
[laughter]
You understand what I am saying?
The showering area is just one big room.
Eight shower heads.
No dividers, no doors, nothing.
And five penises just hanging out.
[laughter]
Oh my God, how much money is Marcelo Garcia saving,
not putting the dividers?
I paid 300 dollars.
I would gladly pay 3,000 dollars if I can shower by myself.
'Cause I come from an Asian background.
When I shower, I don't want to see other people's penises.
I don't want them to see my penis when I'm showering.
I myself don't look at my penis when I'm showering.
[laughter]
But it's horrible. I saw so many penises in that three weeks.
I saw more penises in that three weeks in New York City
than my entire medical career…
[laughter]
…and Pornhub combined.
[laughter]
I did the math. I saw about 50 penises.
I paid 300 dollars, I saw 50 penises.
I paid six dollars per penis.
[laughter]
I was complaining to my friends back home.
"Bro, I see too many penises, man."
My friend goes, "Jason, you are weird, okay?
If you don't want to look at the penis, don't look at the penis.
But you, you look and you count."
[laughter]
And I said, look, it's a psychological blind spot, okay?
Like, if you see something gross and horrible at the corner of your eye,
you don't want to look, but your brain goes, "You must look." Right?
You know a car crash is about to happen.
It's horrible. You don't want to look, but must look.
Maybe there's a cyclist involved, I don't know.
[laughter]
It's horrible. So, this is what my brain does, right?
After about a week of seeing other people's penises in the shower,
when I walk into the showering area,
my brain does this psychological blind spot.
It goes, "La, la, la, nothing, nothing, you're alone.
Yourself, waterfall, you and your penis alone. Nobody is around you.
La, la, la. Nothing, nothing. Alone, alone, alone."
After showering, I will take the subway back home to the apartment,
have lunch, take a nap.
Evening, wake up, take the subway,
do five or six stand-up comedy shows around New York City,
have supper at night, pizza.
Take the subway back home, shower,
lie down on my bed, do last-minute emails.
And right before I fall asleep, my brain goes,
"Today, you saw five penises."
[laughter]
Why?
But, yeah…
And after three weeks of seeing a lot of penises,
I've come to this very sad realization.
And this is a personal confession to all of you here today.
After seeing so many penises, I realize, truly,
that my penis
is so very small.
[laughter]
You see, a lot of guys, we go through life with a lot of delusion.
"Oh yeah, my penis is very big. Yeah.
Ooh, I will destroy the pussy, yeah, very big."
[laughter]
But I actually saw empirical, scientific evidence…
[laughter]
…that my penis is very small.
New York City is a very cosmopolitan city.
Penises from all around the world travel to New York City.
And I saw penises from all around the world,
all of them bigger than mine.
I saw one guy. His penis was so big, I thought he had penis cancer.
[laughter]
No, just a normal penis.
After a while, I felt so ashamed. Before I go to the shower,
"Come on, bigger. Come on. Come on, bigger. Come on, come on.
Bigger. Bigger a bit. Bigger a bit."
[laughter]
"I'm sorry, I cannot.
I'm getting older, I cannot…"
Psychologically damaging
to the soul.
When I came back to KL,
I had to reconcile myself, you know?
And to console myself,
I did what a lot of guys with small penises do.
I bought a BMW.
[laughter]
[applause]
I'm joking. I didn't buy a BMW.
I bought a bicycle.
[laughter]
It feels big in the tight pants.
Now, I know why…
[laughter]
Now, I've been doing stand-up comedy for ten years now.
And many of you do not know this,
but every single stand-up comedy show is a business venture, you know?
Every stand-up comedian is himself also a businessman, right?
And after doing this showbiz for ten years,
after selling my tickets for ten years,
I'm going to say something very controversial.
You'll be surprised it comes from me.
But, after ten years of selling tickets,
I'm beginning to really like and really love
Singaporean comedy fans.
Yeah. In fact, I'm beginning to love Singaporean comedy fans
a bit more than Malaysian comedy fans.
[booing from crowd]
[laughter]
Not the Malaysians here.
[laughter]
Relax.
Malaysians here are different.
[laughter]
Singaporean dollars.
[laughter]
No, but genuinely, I love Singaporean comedy fans. Just…
Singaporeans in the house, give me a cheer?
-[loud cheer] -Yeah, that's a lot! Thank you.
I love Singaporean comedy fans because, you see,
when I tour, I will put up a poster online, okay?
I will put up the poster, right?
Jason Leong, new show, date, time, venue, buy tickets, website.
Singaporean comedy fans, they will see the poster.
They will go online, buy tickets, come to the show, laugh appropriately.
[laughter]
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
[laughter]
After the comedy show, go home, write a report for the government.
[laughter]
"Jason Leong was very funny.
He did not make any jokes
about the PAP
or Lee Kuan Yew.
Please, have him back."
Send. Very nice.
But Malaysian comedy fans.
There is a special breed of stupidity
that only exists among Malaysians.
I can put up the same poster.
Jason Leong, new show, date, time, venue, buy tickets, website.
First question: Where to buy ticket?
[laughter]
It's on the poster!
Buy tickets, website! Go to the website!
Second question: Which website?
[laughter]
There's only one website!
Malaysians will ask me questions no other nationality will ask me.
"Jason, can I bring my baby to your show?"
Why would you bring a baby to my stand-up comedy show?
I already put it on the poster, 18 and above.
"Oh, I thought you meant 18 months and above."
[laughter]
Malaysian comedy fans will ask me questions I don't know how to answer.
"Jason, your 9:00 p.m. show, what time start?"
[laughter]
"Your 9:00 p.m. show, what time start?
What time will your 9:00 p.m. show start? What time? What time?"
If you ask Einstein the question,
"What time will the 9:00 p.m. show start?"
he will die of a stroke.
We will not find out what is E=mc² today.
"Jason, your 9:00 p.m. show, what time start?"
"I am a professional, I've done this for ten years.
My 9:00 p.m. show will start on time.
At 9:30, so please come on time. Please."
[laughter]
And then, nowadays, I will download my poster on my phone
and I will WhatsApp it to my friends,
hoping that they'll WhatsApp to their friends.
One guy got my poster. "Hey, Jason, thanks for your poster.
Who is performing?"
[laughter]
"The show is canceled, don't come."
[laughter]
But, you know, it's very nice that,
you know, like I said, we are inching towards the end of this pandemic.
And nowadays, we take it for granted that almost everyone is vaccinated, you know?
But it wasn't so easygoing when the pandemic first started, right?
It was a bit dicey because there were a lot of anti-vax propaganda. Very scary.
And…
You know me, I'm very vocal about vaccinations, right?
I'm pro-vaccines and I always go on Twitter to tell people,
"Please, do your duty. Get vaccinated."
Of course, I don't say it that way.
"Fuck you, take the vaccine. Fuck you.
Fuck you, take the vaccine. Fuck you, take the vaccine.
Take the vaccine, you fucker. Take the vaccine."
-Okay? That's mine. -[laughter]
But because of my pro-vaccine stance,
a lot of people ask me questions about the vaccines, and that's great.
But I also get asked a lot of stupid questions about the vaccines.
You know how when we were children, our teachers tell us,
"There is no such thing as a stupid question."
[laughter]
Wrong!
There are a lot of stupid questions.
And it's infuriating, okay?
This is an actual conversation with a friend.
Now, you tell me at which point I wanted shoot myself, okay?
Vaccines were being rolled out.
I said, "Bro, vaccines are coming out. You taking the vaccine, right?"
He goes, "No."
I said, "Why? You're living with small children, elderly parents.
Shouldn't you protect yourself to protect your family?
Why aren't you taking the vaccine?"
He goes, "Because, Jason, I'm very concerned
with putting chemicals into my body."
[laughter]
"Let's go cycling."
[laughter]
Yeah, I get asked a lot of stupid questions, okay?
Like, "Jason, I'm very concerned
with the safety of the ingredients in the vaccine.
I'm concerned with the safety of the ingredients in the vaccine."
I'm like, "Hey, you are Malaysian.
Your favorite place to eat is a char kuay teow stall
next to a dumpsite
where the rats are so big,
they eat the cats."
[laughter]
"The name of the stall is literally Dumpsite Char Kuay Teow."
[laughter]
"And this char kuay teow is fried in a wok
that literally hasn't been washed in decades.
Because they want to preserve the flavor of the wok.
They call it the 'wok hei.'
The logic is, the more the wok is not washed,
the more flavorful the char kuay teow is.
Preserve the 'wok hei.'
And this char kuay teow is fried in an unwashed wok
by an uncle who he himself look like he wasn't washed in decades."
[laughter]
"The uncle has his own 'wok hei.'"
[laughter]
"And this char kuay teow is fried in recycled oil.
You eat this char kuay teow next to the dumpsite,
next to the rats, next to the cars driving past by,
you inhale the fumes while eating the char kuay teow,
and you have the balls to ask me
about 'the safety of the ingredients in the vaccine'?
Just shut the fuck up and take the vaccines.
There is nothing the vaccine can do
that char kuay teow hasn't already done to your body."
[laughter]
And then other vaccines came about, the mRNA vaccine.
And because mRNA sounds a lot like DNA, here come the stupid questions.
"Jason, what if the mRNA vaccine change my DNA?"
[laughter]
"What if the mRNA vaccine change my DNA and turn me gay?"
-[laughter] -[Jason] Yeah.
That is part of the anti-vax propaganda.
"What if the mRNA vaccine make me gay?" Yeah.
If there is a Venn diagram of stupid people and anti-vaxxers
it's just one circle.
[laughter]
[Jason] Yeah.
"What if the mRNA vaccine change my DNA?"
First of all, it's biologically impossible, okay?
Because the vaccine doesn't even come close
to the part of the cell that holds your DNA, right?
Worrying that the mRNA vaccine can change your DNA
is like worrying that one day
Malaysia will have a female prime minister.
[laughter]
It will never happen, okay? It's impossible! Right?
But here's the thing. When people ask, "What if the mRNA vaccine change my DNA?"
The question nobody is asking is,
"What is so good about your DNA…"
[laughter]
[applause]
"…that it cannot be changed?
Have you looked yourself in the mirror?
You don't look like Henry Cavill.
You don't look like Scarlett Johansson.
You look like shit!"
[laughter]
"You have alopecia, acne, arthritis, asthma, allergies.
Your DNA is shit!
Change your DNA!"
[laughter]
And if you know your history,
you'll know that the anti-vax movement started
many years before COVID was even a thing, okay?
It started when a bunch of idiots were misled by erroneous research
into thinking that a compound in the MMR vaccine called thiomersal
could cause autism in children, okay?
And they made such a big fuss that eventually the MMR vaccine manufacturers
removed the compound thiomersal, even though it didn't cause autism, right?
Because it wasn't worth the PR fight and the public noise.
Many years later, many research papers have been published
to show that if you compare thiomersal in the vaccines
versus thiomersal in an apple,
an apple has ten times more thiomersal than the MMR vaccine.
But no one ever goes, "Apples cause autism." Okay?
Now, this brings me to a very important point I want to make,
which is, "Dosage makes the poison." Okay?
Because it is a biological doctrine, okay?
Something is harmful not necessarily because of the characteristic of the thing
but how much you take of the thing, right?
Dosage makes the poison.
For example, we all drink water, yes?
Water is good. Water is important.
But if you drink too much water,
you can get water toxicity and you can die.
Because dosage makes the poison.
You drink too much water, the water becomes poisonous and you die.
Or if you drown.
[laughter]
Too much water.
I'll give you a real-life example, okay?
I had an uncle who religiously took vitamin C every day
for decades of his life, but nothing went wrong
because he took the regular, prescribed adult dosage.
Dosage makes the poison.
The dosage of the vitamin C not poisonous, nothing bad happened to him.
But one day, sadly, my uncle died of vitamin C overdose.
Because a lorry carrying tons of oranges…
[laughter]
…ran over him.
Too much vitamin C.
[laughter]
I told him not to cycle.
[laughter]
[applause]
If only he wore knee pads.
[laughter]
Now, at this juncture, I'd like to ask, check in with my audience, okay?
The two years of the pandemic-slash-lockdown,
did you all enjoy the pandemic?
No, of course. I also didn't enjoy the pandemic.
But I'll tell you why, okay?
But before I tell you why,
I wanna say that I'm very lucky that all the people I love and like,
99.9% of them, during the two years of pandemic,
they didn't get COVID, okay?
And the 0.1% who did get COVID…
because they were vaccinated, you're welcome,
they got over it very quickly, okay?
So during those two years,
all the people I love and care about didn't get COVID.
I'm very lucky.
But there are some people in my life who I really hate.
And I didn't enjoy the pandemic
because during the pandemic, none of the people I hated got COVID.
[laughter]
Now I can see some people judging me.
Okay, look, I think it's perfectly normal and healthy
to hate some people in your life.
It means you live a life of meaning.
It means you live a life of consequence, okay?
In fact, if you have the audacity to stand up and say,
"But, Jason, I don't hate anyone! I love everybody,"
I promise you, we all hate you.
[laughter]
So, I'll tell you a story, a true story about a real person.
And because I want to avoid legal repercussions,
let's just give this person a nickname, okay?
Let's call him Fuckface McAsshole.
[laughter]
Now, Fuckface McAsshole is a comedy promoter
based in Kuala Lumpur, okay?
And in the very early years of my career, he took advantage of me, okay?
Financially.
[laughter]
Not…
Financially.
Not that.
Financially, which is worse. No, no.
[laughter]
So, this happened in 2011. Eleven years ago, right?
I was very new in comedy, right? New in show business.
And Fuckface McAsshole, KL comedy promoter,
he got a call from a Sabahan comedy promoter
to do a show in Sabah, right?
And he was asked to organize some comedians
to fly to Sabah and perform.
So, Fuckface McAsshole got four of us comedians from KL
to fly to Sabah and perform.
And he promised us a thousand ringgit each.
A thousand ringgit is about five Sing dollars, okay?
[laughter]
So the four of us flew to Sabah, performed the gig, everything went well.
Flew back home, we got paid, and everything was fine.
A thousand ringgit each.
Six months later, the Sabahan promoter let slip, accidentally,
how much he paid Fuckface McAsshole to get the four of us.
The Sabahan promoter paid Fuckface McAsshole
15,000 ringgit,
and he paid us 4,000 ringgit.
He made 11,000 against my 1,000.
He made a 1100% commission.
Way better than my mom.
[laughter]
So, when I heard that, I was like,
"This guy is such an asshole! How can he do this to me?"
But I'm new in show business. Cannot say anything.
I just have to eat the shit and continue, right? Cannot do anything.
"Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Love to work with you again."
Keep it inside. Just eat the shit inside. Keep it inside.
Nine years, okay?
Then, 2020 happened. Virus going around the world.
People suffering, dying from the virus. I thought, "This is my chance."
[laughter]
"Please, get COVID.
Fuckface McAsshole, please get COVID, okay?"
Now, I didn't want him to die of COVID. That's inhumane.
[laughter]
Just some suffering.
Just Stage 3 COVID, that's all I want.
A bit of fever, a bit of coughing, cannot breathe,
he has to be monitored in a government hospital.
-That's all I want. -[laughter]
Malaysian government hospital, okay? That's all I want.
[laughter]
But no, during the pandemic, he didn't get COVID!
In fact, he became healthier.
He started jogging, eating salad, quit smoking.
I said, "Fuck! Why?"
Then the straw that broke the camel's back was,
he went on social media and posted, "I will sign up for the vaccines."
[groans]
So I called him up and I immediately became an anti-vaxxer.
[laughter]
"Hey, bro, don't take the vaccine, bro. Don't take the vaccine.
Yeah, it will turn you gay, bro, don't."
[laughter]
"Huh? You want to be healthy?
Go cycling!"
[laughter]
"Yeah, go cycling! Just tell me which road you cycle and what time."
[laughter]
That's a real guy, by the way. Still alive. Real person.
Now, I've been touring around the world, and…
By the way, I just wanna say that this is one of the best nights of my life.
Seriously, one of the best nights of my comedy career.
Ever since I started doing comedy,
it's been my dream to perform at Esplanade Theatre in Singapore.
So, thank you so much for making my dream come true. Thank you.
[applause]
I'll never forget this day, thank you.
And when I do comedy around the world, you know, I tell people
that, you know, outside of Malaysia, there is Islamophobia,
which is sad and bad and I hope things improve, right?
But in Malaysia, we have the flip side of the coin.
And I remember this one particular story. It happened before the pandemic, right?
What happened was, this Malay Muslim guy, he went into a restaurant,
a halal restaurant owned by a Chinese company
and he ordered chicken noodles.
Now, he made a video of the chicken noodles which went viral
because the chicken in the chicken noodles was red in color.
So he said, "You see this meat in the chicken noodles?
This meat is red in color. Therefore, it cannot be chicken.
Chicken is not red. Pork is red.
So, therefore, this meat is not chicken, it is pork!
Chicken cannot be red.
Therefore, this halal restaurant is serving me pork!
Meat is red in color, not chicken, must be pork."
Because… Why is it not chicken? Because chicken cannot be red."
Meanwhile, in the same menu of the same restaurant,
there is a dish called "ayam masak merah."
[laughter]
Which is, "chicken cooked red," right?
And the video went viral because the subtext was
that Malaysian Chinese have nothing better to do
than wake up in the morning
and then secretly put pork into people's dishes.
"Give me the pork, give me the pork!"
[laughter]
"Put the pork, yeah."
[laughter]
And the authorities raided the restaurant based on that video alone.
And, of course, once they raided,
there was not an atom of pork at all in the restaurant.
It's a halal restaurant.
But damage had already been done.
And a lot of the Malaysian Chinese were very upset.
So, all the Malaysian Chinese have appointed me as the spokesperson…
[laughter]
…of Chinese Affairs in Malaysia.
Here is my official statement regarding the incident, okay?
Here goes.
Chinese people will never waste pork like that.
[laughter]
[applause]
We love pork.
You don't want to eat, that's fine. More for us.
And say what you want about Chinese people,
there is not a single Chinese in the world who will sell you pork at chicken prices.
[laughter, applause]
The reason I bring this up
is because there seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding
of how much Chinese people love pork.
We love pork so much,
one of our deities is a pig.
[laughter]
We love pork so much. We are addicted to pork.
How can you tell a Chinese person hasn't eaten pork for three days?
How can you tell?
He will tell you.
[laughter]
"Hey, bro, I haven't eaten pork, bro.
I need pork. You got pork, bro?
Bro, I'll suck your dick for char siew, bro.
I need pork."
[laughter]
And I bring this up because…
You see, I tell all my Malay friends, my Malay Muslim friends,
"Hey, guys, if you ever eat something that is dubious, you think that's pork,
don't have to make a viral video and embarrass yourself, right?
Just call your Chinese friends.
That's what we are here for."
[laughter]
"You call us, we come,
I will taste the dish.
And if the dish is delicious,
'This one got pork.'"
[laughter]
[in Malay] This is delicious as hell. Don't.
[laughter]
Even if there is no pork, "Pork, pork."
[laughter]
I feel sad thinking about the state of Malaysia.
I'm reminded of this one particular man I met many years ago, all right.
This man was ahead of his time, okay?
This took place in 2009, right? Thirteen years ago.
Thirteen years ago, I was a junior doctor in Penang General Hospital, okay?
And at that hospital, all the junior doctors,
we participated in a bad habit, okay?
During lunch, all the junior doctors will eat just amongst our own race.
Chinese doctors eat amongst the Chinese doctors.
Indian doctors eat amongst the Indian doctors.
Malay doctors eat among the Malay doctors.
Very bad habit.
Our senior doctor, senior medical officer, his name is Dr. Yusuf,
a man ahead of his time.
He made the effort to eat lunch outside his racial bubble, right?
He would eat lunch with the Chinese, with the Malays and the Indians.
Very nice of him. A man ahead of his time.
He came up to me and said, "Jason,
I would like to eat lunch with you and your friends."
And I said, "Sure!
We can go eat lunch at Nasi Kandar, KFC, McDonald's, Nando's, Secret Recipe."
He said, "No, no, no, Jason, I want to eat lunch
where you and your friends normally eat lunch."
[laughter]
And I said, "Cannot."
[laughter]
"The restaurant where we normally eat lunch, too much pork.
There is pork particles in the air."
[laughter]
"You have to wear the suit and a mask to go in, you cannot.
There is pork hanging. You have to avert your gaze. You cannot look."
But again, he said, "No, Jason, don't worry.
As long as you don't order alcohol, you don't order pork,
it's fine, I can eat with you.
Lunch is just lunch.
I want to spend time with you and your friends."
Such a nice guy. A man ahead of his time.
So I said, "Okay."
I consulted my friends and we brought Dr. Yusuf
to our favorite Chinese restaurant in Penang.
This is the kind of restaurant where you order dishes
and the auntie will serve you with rice and all the dishes, okay?
So I did the ordering. And I ordered no pork, no alcohol.
I ordered chicken, vegetables, omelet, rice,
and the signature dish of the restaurant, which is a big fried fish, okay?
So the auntie took our order, went inside, brought all the dishes together.
We sat down and just as we are about to eat,
at the last minute, I remembered
that the fried fish is fried in pork lard.
[crowd groans]
The fish is infused with haram-ness.
[laughter]
So I quickly turned to Dr. Yusuf to remind him, "Don't eat the fish."
Too late! Dr. Yusuf already stabbed the fish,
took a bite of the fish.
I said, "Fuck!"
"Jason, this fish very delicious!" "Yeah, I know. I know."
[laughter]
And I panicked, okay? I started sweating, okay?
Then he picked up the pork lard, the pork cube.
"Hey, Jason, what is this?"
I panicked. "That is garlic."
[laughter]
"Oh my God, it goes so well with the fish!"
He ate the fish with gusto, okay?
Now, I don't practice any religion. I don't believe in God.
But the more Dr. Yusuf ate the fish with the pork,
the more I could feel myself going down to hell.
"Why am I so hot now? My feet are hot."
[laughter]
He was eating the fish!
And then the auntie poked her head out from the kitchen
and she saw three Chinese guys and one clearly Muslim guy
eating pork with pork lard.
And her face was like…
-[mouthing silently] -[laughter]
And I was like…
[laughter]
[mouthing silently]
So, after the meal finished, he's like,
"Jason, that was the best fish I've ever had in my life."
"Yeah, I know. I know."
"We should come here more often." "No, we are never coming here again!"
It was so traumatizing to me.
And my mind, my brain, put the memory in the deep recesses of my mind, right?
As if it never happened, right?
Fast forward five years later.
Five years later, I'm no longer a doctor. I'm a stand-up comedian, okay?
And I travel around Malaysia doing gigs. Sometimes I go to Penang to perform.
I put on my social media, "Going to Penang for a gig!"
One day, out of the blue, Dr. Yusuf messages me.
"Hey, Jason, I saw on social media, you're coming to Penang.
I'm still here. Remember me, Dr. Yusuf?"
"Yeah, I remember you!"
"Would you like to have lunch?"
Forgot! It's like, "Yeah, sure!"
Dr. Yusuf drove me to the restaurant. I thought, "The route very familiar."
[laughter]
We parked in front of the restaurant. "Oh my God, this is the same restaurant!"
Memories come flashing back
like I'm a war veteran.
Holy shit! And I walk inside the restaurant
and I see evidence that over the past five years,
Dr. Yusuf has struck a friendship with the Chinese auntie.
[laughter]
They are talking to each other in Hokkien and everything.
And I can see on the table
all the dishes were pre-ordered and ready to eat.
That is some VIP treatment.
And I saw the same fish looking at me.
[laughter]
I could smell, that's the same fish.
It's looking straight into my eyes. I felt so guilty.
I said, "Excuse me, Dr. Yusuf, I have to go to the toilet."
I excused myself. I snuck into kitchen, confronted the auntie.
"Auntie, how can you serve him that fish? You know he's Muslim, right? So wrong!"
Auntie goes, "No, it's okay. He is okay with it."
"What you mean he's okay with it?"
"Because when he comes here every month…"
"Every month? Fuck!"
[laughter]
"When he comes here every month,
he will give me the signal that it's okay."
"What signal?"
"When he orders the dish, he'll say, 'Extra garlic.'"
[laughter]
The auntie thought that "extra garlic" is a sign,
a secret code that he knows it's pork.
[laughter]
But I told him it's garlic. He doesn't know!
So for the past five years,
he's been eating pork without knowing it's pork!
Sweating cold sweat, I rushed back, sat down.
Dr. Yusuf's about to eat. I said, "Okay, I have to stop this shit."
Okay?
So, he's about to stab the fish. I grab his wrist, say, "Stop!"
Very strong, jiujitsu grip.
[laughter]
"Jason, what's wrong with you?"
"Dr. Yusuf, you cannot eat this fish!"
"Why, what's wrong with you? I'm very hungry!"
"I have to tell you something. Promise you won't get angry."
[laughter]
"Okay, okay, what is it, what is it?"
"This fish is fried with pork lard.
Pork fat.
You see this garlic?"
[laughter]
"This is not garlic.
This is pork lard.
This fish haram."
And Dr. Yusuf's reaction I could never predict in a million years.
His reaction was:
"Why you tell me?"
[laughter, applause]
"Dr. Yusuf, this fish is haram, what?
You cannot eat. You go to hell!"
He goes, "No, Jason, if I don't know, I won't go to hell!"
[laughter]
I said, "But, Dr. Yusuf, I'm complicit in this!
I ordered the dish for you! If you eat, I will go to hell!"
He goes, "It's okay, Jason. If I don't know, only you go to hell. It's fine!"
[laughter]
"I stay here, eat the fish lah."
[laughter]
So we look at each other.
I look at him, he looks at me.
And he looks at the fish.
[laughter]
And he goes,
"I can never eat this fish again."
[laughter]
Then his face change a little bit.
He takes the fork.
He stabs the fish.
Had a bite of fish at the end of the fork, and goes,
"Maybe one last time."
[laughter]
I said, "Dr. Yusuf, are you sure?"
Now, when I remember this story of Dr. Yusuf,
I'm reminded of a time when Malaysia was much simpler.
Less racial tension.
And what Dr. Yusuf said next has always been my guiding principle
when dealing with unnecessary racial and religious tension in Malaysia.
I said, "Dr. Yusuf, are you sure?"
Dr. Yusuf, fish at the end of his fork,
he goes, "Jason, life is short."
[laughter]
"And I'm getting older."
[laughter]
Thank you, Singapore! You guys have been amazing!
Thank you very much! Thank you!
Good night!
-[electronic music playing] -[loud cheering]