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[camera whirring]
[Jon] I always suspected my parents harbored
some kind of long-held secret.
[urgent orchestral music plays]
One hidden far behind the lenses of the cameras
that immortalize these images.
One they hid away from my two older brothers,
myself
and anyone else deemed necessary to keep in the dark.
My name is Jon Baime, and I live in Decatur, Georgia.
[laughs] This is terrible.
[Jon] This is the story of what happens,
- when, at 54 years old... - Come on, then.
...I discover a secret
my parents are keeping from me...
- about me. - Okay, here we go.
[upbeat pop tune plays]
We're here on the beach, Jonny and I.
[Jon] Meet my mom, Harriette.
Johnny, are you too close to me?
[Jon] No, I'm not.
I don't want you to be too close to me.
[Jon] This is her in 1982.
Are we on camera?
- Hi, everybody! - He stopped it!
Here we are in beautiful, sunny...
[Jon] Man, she would ham it up in front of the camera.
Don't-- don't-- don't encourage her, Jonathan!
[laughing]
[Jon] These images show that there was love
between our parents to us...
Jonny, get Mom in there.
Oh, is the sound on? Hi!
- Absolutely sound. - Happy Father's Day!
- [boy] Oh, isn't that cute. - [Jon] And us to our parents.
Thank you very much.
[tropical music plays]
[Jon] They were great providers,
raising three Baby Boomers
in a very privileged environment.
Those are my older brothers, Eric and David, in 1965.
And that's me.
Around my family, even to this day, I am Jonny.
I am the baby.
[David] It was a good childhood.
Yeah, they raised us very well.
He was a good father, he taught us a lot,
I think he taught us right from wrong, educated us,
and-- and he really showed care,
and love, I think so.
[solemn guitar music plays]
[Eric] My dad was always there for me.
He was on my side.
And he made it very clear that,
if something ever happened, he would be there.
Well, in a lot of ways, we had a charmed childhood.
We never wanted for anything.
And in some ways, we kinda hit the jackpot.
[Jon] Of the three of us, I was the curious one.
I would document whatever was around me,
using film or video cameras.
My mom spent her time involved with the community--
lots of Jewish charity work--
and served on the local board of education
for years.
My dad worked as an accountant.
- [Jon] [indistinct] - [laughing]
[Jon] He adored my mother,
worshipped the ground she walked on.
When she was around, his face often lit right up.
I'm fine. Jon--
[Jon] The backdrop of our charmed suburban life
was this house in South Orange, New Jersey.
So much was so good,
yet something didn't add up in this accountant's home.
♪ Twinkle, twinkle little star ♪
Today, I wonder,
what secrets were shared within its walls
that I was never privy to?
What does the house know that I don't?
♪
Growing up in our generation, there was a saying,
"Children should be seen but not heard."
And I think maybe that was a way
of parents keeping boundaries with their kids.
But in my house, it was more than boundaries.
It felt like an impenetrable wall sometimes.
[overlapping chatter]
[Jon] We learned from the time we were young children,
"Don't ask too many questions."
[Eric] The atmosphere was very, very secretive.
I didn't sit with my parents at the table
- until I was 12 years old. - I was eight.
- We would not sit-- - We did not even sit with them.
There was no family discussion time.
I think they wanted us to be like a normal family.
Didn't want us to ask a lot of questions,
and wonder this
- and wonder that and-- - Right.
[Jon] For example,
visits to my mom's side of the family in Florida
were always shrouded in secrecy.
We never knew when we were arriving or leaving
- until the last moment. - [guest laughing]
A sense of secrecy kept them happy.
The mantra from Mom and Dad,
"Things like that are none of your business."
And there was more,
especially when it came to my dad.
If a greeting card came late, a "Happy Birthday" came late,
uh, "Happy New Year" came late, he felt d-- disrespected
in-- in a way that seemed,
um, a little bit over-the-top.
If you saw him in the morning,
and you did not say hello to him,
or you walked into the house,
and you did not say hello to him first thing,
he would go into a bad mood.
In fact, it could be the beginning
of a bad mood for the day, or even for a week.
He would say, "What? What's wrong?
Don't you know how to say hello?"
[thunder rumbling]
[Jon] Like the National Weather Service
put out bad weather warnings,
we'd issue bad mood warnings to each other.
You know, I never understood these odd expectations.
I had no idea what they were about.
But, I think, unconsciously,
I-- I didn't know how to deal with it.
And so I would search.
I mean, literally search.
That meant rifling through drawers.
It meant rifling through closets,
through boxes in the garage, the attic, the basement.
I-- I literally had an urge
to go on a scavenger hunt.
- You were a curious person. - [laughing]
You scurried in every place that could be scurried.
But I had no idea what I was looking for.
- You're going on camera. - [relative] Talk.
You're too [indistinct], aren't you?
Yeah, I am.
[Jon] As I explained during this visit
to my grandfather in 1986,
I'm taking my passion for the camera
and attempting to make a career of it.
- You ever watch CNN? - C-- CNN?
- [Jon] Yeah. - Yes, I do.
[Jon] Well, o-- one day, if you're watching,
I might be doing camera.
'Cause I don't want it taken too close.
[Jon] As adults, the three of us moved
to different parts of the country.
We were far from each other and our parents.
There's nothing on the salad bar, no.
[Jon] So, when we were together as a family,
it was a rare event.
My mom was glad to see us.
[Harriette laughing]
[Jon] But my dad, after a short while,
he seemed bored of us.
[Harriette] They're talking [indistinct].
My wife would say, "That's really odd,
your dad is just bored of this birthday party for you.
He's not interested at all."
And I can go back over multiple examples of that
in my life,
uh, where perhaps he seemed a little bit upset,
strained, not engaged as you--
as I might expect a parent to be.
♪
[Jon] In their final years, my parents,
like so many others, moved to Florida.
Eric now lives nearby them.
But by then, that vibrance of my mom's was robbed clean...
along with much of her mind, thanks to Alzheimer's.
[solemn music plays]
Then came the night of February 19, 2018.
You don't forget a night like that.
It's when the first cracks appeared
in my parents' seemingly impenetrable wall.
♪
If I could take you back to the scene of the crime,
it would look a lot like this.
The event? My dad's 92nd birthday dinner.
The table was full of people.
My mom was deep into dementia.
My dad was sitting next to his friends.
So, one of the guests starts talking
about how they take adult education classes
at the University of Miami,
and they take DNA tests to study Jewish heritage.
And that's when I chime in, and I say,
"My dad, his mother was adopted.
I'd love to take a DNA test, see what my heritage is."
And that's where things start to get a little weird.
So, my dad turns his chair to me,
and I turn my chair to him,
and he says to me, demands, actually,
"Don't take that DNA test till I'm dead."
And I say, "What?"
Like, maybe he's kidding. Maybe he's not serious.
And he repeats himself,
"Don't take that DNA test until I'm dead."
"But you're not telling me why."
"Because I don't want you to take it."
At this point, everybody at the table
is looking at him like he's a little cuckoo.
He was never one to read the room,
especially when he wanted to make a point.
"Well, if you don't tell me
why you don't want me to take this test,
I'm gonna take it."
And he just looked at me and said,
"Fine. Piss on my wish."
When my 92-year-old dad tells me,
his 53-year-old son,
not to take a DNA test until he's dead,
what am I supposed to do?
[Jon] Take one, of course!
My thinking?
He probably didn't want to know
that he might not be 100% of Jewish lineage,
since his mom was adopted.
♪
A few weeks and 99 bucks later,
the genetic testing service 23andMe
would set the record straight.
[Jon] So, when you get your DNA test results,
you gotta do it online.
And when you go to the results page,
there's a pie chart.
If the pie chart is one color, you're one ethnicity.
If your pie chart is two colors, you're two ethnicities.
If your pie chart is three colors,
you're three ethnicities, and so on and so forth.
[Jon] Here's my pie chart.
And there's my answer.
99.4% one solid color.
If I was almost 100% Ashkenazi Jew,
my grandmother had to be darn close to being one, too.
And that was that.
You know, I never spoke to my dad
about the DNA test again.
He just seemed so bothered by it.
"Don't take the DNA test 'til I'm dead."
I can hear him say it in my head.
I should have known there was more.
A lot more.
[Jon] A year later, another night I won't forget.
Sunday, February 24th, 2019.
I wandered back to my 23andMe page.
I never paid any attention
to the "family & friends" part of the site.
It said I had 1,300 relatives.
See that button that says, "see all relatives"?
I clicked it, to see what would happen.
First, this foreboding message pops up.
You know what else is uncommon?
Sitting in the emergency exit of an airplane,
and thinking that you're actually
gonna have to open the door in case that plane goes down.
So far, I'm betting 1.000 on extra leg room
and zero on ever having to open that door.
So, playing those odds, I confidently clicked on.
[seatbelt sign dinging]
[Jon] Turns out, I'd have been better prepared
sitting at an emergency exit flying into a storm
than proceeding on with 23andMe.
I was in for quite the ride.
The closest relatives pop up first.
[Sharon] Sharon Delmonico, half sister.
What?
[David N] David Neuschulz, half brother.
Who's that?
[Laura] Laura Lehrhaupt,
- half sister. - What...
[Mark] Mark Slatin, half brother.
- ...the.... - [Rose] Rose Sloat.
- Half sister. - ...f--
[seatbelt sign dinging]
[chime music plays]
[Jon] Sunday night, February 24th, 2019,
is the night the secret is no longer safe.
The wall protecting it is breached.
What was I like when you first heard from me?
You were disconcerted.
You were, uh,
kind of freaking out a little bit
- I would say, uh... - A little bit?
...you were off-balance, you were off-balance.
First, my reaction was disbelief.
I thought to myself,
"Oh, Jonny's just playing a gag on me.
He's just funning with me here.
There's no-- it's not real."
[Jon] Was my dad having an affair in his younger years,
or what?
This is just plain weird.
[Jon] Things are about to get a lot weirder.
A few hours later, on the 23andMe interface,
I got a private message from a Sharon Delmonico.
She's a half sister. I-- I have it here.
Gonna read it to you.
"Hi, Jon. We have matched on 23andMe.
[Sharon and Jon together] Feel free to reach out to me
if you have an interest in exploring your DNA results."
What does "wishing you an enjoyable experience" mean?
So, I wrote her back.
And I ask her to tell me everything she can.
And she does.
[Sharon] Hi, Jon.
Jesus.
I'm 54 years old...
and this is how I find out that the man who raised me
isn't my biological father.
And that's when the questions start to go through my head.
Questions about my own identity.
Who am I? I thought I was one person.
What else did my parents not tell me?
Then there's my dad. Do I tell him I know?
Or do I let him take it to the grave?
Who else knew about this? Did my grandparents know?
My aunts and uncles, my cousins? Their friends?
You know, that's a lot.
And then throw on top of that,
somewhere out there is my biological father.
You know, I take no shame in this,
but I-- I decided to get some help.
I called a therapist, and when I introduced myself,
she said to me, "Well, I'm not taking new clients,
but go ahead and tell me what your--
what your situation is."
So, I told her, and her response was,
"Are you free at 10:30 tomorrow morning?"
[Jon] I never put much time
into thinking about the makeup of my family tree,
but I sure do now.
In a single, jarring moment,
I realize it's been a façade.
The real tree grows behind a wall of secrecy.
As it fractures, I am only able to make out the edge
of what could become a much, much larger tree.
My mind immediately goes back to the beginning.
My brothers and I were born
at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York,
and Sharon did mention a program there.
Just what kind of program was it?
[crying]
To learn more, I have to find someone
who was a part of it at the time.
As fate would have it, they found me.
- Hi, Hesh. - Hi, how you doing?
Good. Good. Thanks for doing this.
[Jon] Meet 87-year-old Harrison Schell.
Las Vegas resident, avid gardener,
and retired OB-GYN.
As a medical student in the early 1960s,
he donated sperm at Mount Sinai.
Oh, he's also my biological father.
He likes to be called Hesh.
He contacted me just a few days
after I first heard from Sharon.
[Jon] In four days, I go from knowing nothing
to communicating with the biological father
I never knew I had.
I never expected to see this name under "father."
The first phone call, it's surreal.
I mean, here I am, talking to somebody
who I didn't even know existed just a few days ago.
That's my biological father.
The first thing I ask him about is his health,
and he says he has cataracts.
And that's it.
He has all his teeth.
All this bodes well for me.
We talk later, and I record the call,
and I ask him more about the program.
When a person came to an OB-GYN for an infertility problem,
in those days,
when it turned out to be the man's problem,
that meant they weren't having any sperm,
and so they needed a sperm donor.
Once you were in medical school,
that meant a whole lot of, uh,
things with regard to your health,
your bringing-up, your education and so forth,
and so that was a reasonably good pool
to draw some donors from.
At some point, I will go to Las Vegas
and visit Hesh.
It's in the cards. It's a good bet.
But Decatur, Georgia
is far away from Las Vegas, Nevada.
While I have him on the phone,
I ask him one more question.
How much were you paid per donation?
Five bucks.
I think I got my money's worth.
- [laughing] - I think-- [laughing]
Five bucks.
That's about $45 today.
Now, my mind is thinking about my brothers.
Were they five-buck babies also?
Or am I the only donor kid?
[Jon] For that answer, I overnight a test
to my brother, Eric.
When he gets his results a few weeks later,
he discovers a mystery match of his own.
So, I'm like, "Whoop-de-doo, I got somebody also, ha-ha."
And, unknown to me,
this particular person
was not going to
respond to me.
This person was not going to respond.
I-- I heard through a mutual acquaintance,
this person has money
and is afraid that I'll want the money.
If you're out there watching this, friend,
please know I would never want that,
I just wanted to know about you.
[Jon] And for me, until now,
I believe Eric and I are full brothers biologically.
It takes some getting used to the idea
that we are half brothers genetically,
with different biological fathers.
Then, there is my other brother David.
I always wondered how my brown hair,
brown-eyed parents
could defy the genetic odds and have a kid
who looked like he jumped off a can of Dutch Boy paint.
We both love David,
but after a lot of debating back and forth,
Eric and I came to a consensus about not telling him.
For now.
David's got a lot of pressure in his life.
Um, he's got some medical issues.
Um, and Eric and I are thinking,
maybe we should just let sleeping dogs lie.
[Jon] We'd like to tell David before our dad dies.
With a little more time,
Eric and I can process it thoroughly.
Then, we can better help David understand this bombshell.
So, we decide that, at 92,
why talk about the DNA test
and reopen a wound so deep,
it could be measured in decades?
What my dad experienced,
not being able to have kids,
having to go to a sperm donor
and then keeping all that bottled up for decades,
that's kind of tragic, in a way.
But on the other hand, I'm pissed,
so I have to figure out
how to balance my anger
with his tragedy.
And I think I find a way.
[Jon] Someone jokingly suggests
I should put an asterisk after my last name,
kind of like the baseball players
who were using steroids.
Instead of doing that,
Eric and I start to refer to Dad simply as our "Our Asterisk,"
- or "The Asterisk." - [phone ringing]
When he calls, this asterisk shows up on my phone screen.
But when he calls in a mood
and leaves voice mails like this...
[Richard]
...then, he transforms into a pain in the asterisk.
Of course, he doesn't know I call him asterisk.
Is it nice? No.
But it's a way for me to let off steam.
It's part of my process of processing.
[gentle guitar music plays]
[Jon] A month or so after the discovery,
I schedule my first visit to Florida.
My mom is wheelchair-bound.
It's tough to get her out of the apartment,
but my dad likes to get out when he can.
[Jon] It's the first night of my visit,
and I go to dinner with him, alone.
And as I look at him fiddling with his phone,
I think to myself,
"Who does this guy think he is,
keeping something like that from me?"
And I almost start to think,
"Maybe I should change my mind,
maybe I should say something to him."
But I stop.
Because I have another idea.
[Jon] The next day, he leaves to play bridge,
leaving me with my mom, alone.
[Harriette] ...but I forgot.
[Jon] Thanks to the Alzheimer's,
she has a short-term memory of roughly 30 seconds.
Most conversations sound like this.
[Harriett]
[Jon] My plan?
To ask her about this,
knowing that she'd never be able to recall the conversation
to my dad.
[Jon] She knows I found out.
[Harriette] Dr. Eagle, Dr. Eagle.
[Jon] This is gonna be tough,
but after about 15 minutes of asking
over and over again,
I think I finally get somewhere.
[Jon]
- [Harriette] - [Jon]
[Harriette]
[Jon]
[Harriette]
[Jon] Oh, it very much is my business!
It's my DNA!
None of my business, she says.
I'm getting angrier and angrier.
I'm feeling isolated.
Who else has even been through something like this?
And now I'm remembering.
It was right in front of me,
the night that the names all came up
on the computer screen.
My donor siblings.
My sisters and brothers from other mothers.
[Jon] By Summer 2019,
I figure if I'm gonna get the Father's Day card on time,
I may as well have fun doing it.
It's the true definition of pushing the envelope
on the asterisk thing.
We're in New Jersey, with my now 93-year-old dad,
helping pack up my parents' summer apartment.
They finally aged out of snowbirding
back and forth to Florida.
Eric still has no new matches,
and the donor brother he knows about
remains silent.
David remains in the dark.
We're holding on to this secret
about as tightly as I hold on to this silver candelabra.
Like the secret,
I'll eventually let him have it.
- But not yet! - [door creaking shut]
Everybody heads home. Except for me.
That urge to search kicks back in.
Now that my parents' place is packed up,
it's time for me to unpack my genetic history.
[Jon] It's July 6th, 2019,
and I'm meeting up with the donor sibs
- for the first time. - [woman] That's crazy!
As we've lea-- as we all know. He's a very fertile man.
[Jon] Here I am, at a family gathering
I'd never imagined just four months ago.
He's-- we're-- there's clapping, there's clapping.
[Jon] Even Hesh skypes in for a quick hello.
[Hesh] I'm doing very well, it's good to see you.
- [woman] Here's my brother. - [woman] Good to see you, um...
[Jon] And his son from marriage, Larry, joins us, too.
- [Jon] Look, there's more. - [woman] Hey, Hesh!
Hey.
The first night that we meet,
I'm checking 'em out.
Do they have the same eyes?
Do they have the same smile?
Do they have the same actions that I do?
And-- and they're doing the same to me.
It's like we're at the intersection
of the familiar and the unfamiliar.
[Jon] I'm meeting people who share a part of me
I spent most of my life in the dark about.
But it's real! [laughs]
Admit it's not a dream,
- it's real. - [man on phone] Okay.
[Jon] It's a family story that can only be written
in the 21st century.
Both a real head-scratcher and page-turner.
In my mind's eye, the introductory chapter
of this book in my head
might read as testimonials from my donor sibs,
as I call them,
revealing their shock
when they found out they were donor-conceived.
[donor brother] Everything that I knew about my identity,
my dad not actually being my bio dad,
was turned upside down.
[donor sister] I don't know what-- what am I?
Who-- what's the other half?
Why such a secret? What was the whole thing about?
Like, that's kind of deceptive.
[donor sister] [sighs] It-- it's just reality shattering.
It's like your reality that you grew up with
is not really the reality that really is.
[Jon] Hearing their words
compels me to embark on an excursion
unlike any I could have imagined.
I will talk to them, one-on-one.
All live far from my Decatur, Georgia, home.
Were their asterisks like my asterisk?
What about their moms?
What could I learn from them?
Time to get to know my biological family tree
for real.
[funk music plays]
When Sharon Delmonico isn't working as a school nurse,
you might find this donor sister of mine
at her home in western New Jersey.
She's the one who reached out to me
on the 23andMe portal.
Remember?
She wished me "an enjoyable experience."
- Sister. - Brother, welcome to Jersey.
[Jon] Thank you.
[Jon] What did Sharon's parents' wall look like?
- [Jon] How you doin'? - Good, good, good.
[Jon] How did she find out she was donor-conceived?
I'm here to talk about it!
You're here to talk about everything.
[Jon] Sharon has an older sister.
Both of them are donor-conceived.
And despite her parents being told
they could never have children,
after the two girls,
they managed to have a boy of their own.
A brother, who, Sharon says, was treated differently.
Maybe they felt he was both of theirs,
and maybe we weren't, and...
that he was more special.
I think he was more special because of that.
I certainly think he felt like he was more special.
[Jon] Sharon's story differs from mine in one big way.
Her mom fessed up about the secret.
When Sharon was 30,
one of her children was born prematurely.
So, her OB-GYN
asked about her family medical history.
That's when Sharon's mother told her
she was donor-conceived.
So, my mother called me on the phone,
and I had my two boys in the bathtub,
and she starts telling me this story, very briefly,
just to tell me, like, it was, like,
gonna rain tomorrow.
It was just that casual, and I said,
"What are you-- what? What are you saying to me?"
What exactly did she say?
She said, "Your father's not your father,
I-- I had some trouble getting pregnant.
When the doctor, you know, gave me--"
I think she might have said artificial insemination.
And-- or she might have whispered it.
And then she said, uh,
"And that's it. And that's it.
And you're not supposed to tell anybody,
and you weren't supposed to know,
and don't ask me any more questions."
And I said, "Okay!
Okay, bye!" [laughs]
You're not supposed to know,
- don't ask me any more questi-- - No more questions.
The conversation was over at that point.
Right. I was-- definitely didn't understand
what she was saying in the beginning.
- Yeah. - And then I understood.
And then I was like, "Well, that's a relief."
Your dad was-- what was the word, distant.
He was distant, and I literally was like...
"Oh, good."
I always felt like there was definitely something
where there was inside jokes.
[Jon] He'd sometimes mock her for looking different.
[Sharon] My skin is a little darker.
It was my eighth birthday, and we went to Tijuana, Mexico.
And I was very tan.
And when we were walking back over the border,
um, my father thought it was funny,
and told the guards at the gate to hold me back.
As the whole family walked beyond,
I was behind the gate,
and he thought it was funny,
and he said it was because I looked Mexican.
And he just got such a kick out of that,
because he said, you know, of course you're the--
you're like Mexican, that's why you were kept there.
I was horrified. Scared.
Very scared.
[Jon] Her family is working hard
to bring Sharon's enjoyable experience wish
to fruition,
as lunch is about to be served.
I have cousins on Facebook
that think they're my cousins, biologically.
[Jon] Oh, you haven't told them?
- No. - [Jon] Yeah.
It's-- it's not Cousin Sharon, it's "cousin" Sharon.
Right. You know?
[Jon] Sharon's husband Jerry
reflects on Sharon's relationship with her dad.
I swear, their relationship, to me, was always some question,
and I didn't know what the answer was,
and that sort of helped, in a way to...
- [Jon] See? - ...understand it.
- [Sharon] It helped. - [Jon] Sharon's family believes
this is their story, too.
She really-- she talks about everyone as, like,
"My half sister Laura, my half--"
and I say, "That's my half aunt."
Like, you know, it's exciting for me, too.
- Yeah? Am I your half uncle? - [Taylor] Yeah.
Thank you for welcoming me to the family.
- Oh. It's been great. - Welcome, welcome.
[rock music plays]
Welcome to Rock Your Retirement!
This is so exciting.
My name is Laura Lehrhaupt, and I am doing...
[Jon] You might find Laura Lehrhaupt
gracing the airwaves with her husband,
offering up valuable financial advice.
But I discovered this donor sister of mine
on 23andMe.
Laura is a middle child.
She has an older sister who was adopted
and a younger brother who was donor-conceived.
I meet up with her on St. Simon's Island, Georgia.
[Laura] Wow, it's-- so beautiful,
I've never been here.
- It's really beautiful. - Your mom lives here.
You never come here?
No, I've never been here. I know, right?
- It's crazy. - [Jon] That is...
[Jon] I ask her about her dad.
I did have a father who was an angry guy,
and that made it a little difficult, uh,
- to be a carefree kind of kid. - Mm-hmm.
'Cause he was very, uh,
easily irritated is a good word.
And he definitely seemed angry with me
all the time, no matter what I did.
[Jon] When Laura was 32,
her mom also told her she was donor-conceived.
So, we were at our kid's birthday party,
we had a room full of kids,
Laura's mother wanted to go up to the bedroom,
- talk to Laura. - And she seemed very nervous.
And we went up to the second floor,
my bedroom,
and she was pacing back and forth,
and she was like, "I have to tell you something,"
and I thought she was gonna tell me that she had, like,
some horrible disease or something terrible was--
and I was like, "What's going on, are you sick?
Do you have to tell me, you know, some terrible news?"
And she was like, "No," and then she just turned to me
and, like, blurted out, "Your father's not your father,"
and I was like, "Huh?"
And she was like, "He's ju-- he's just not.
Arnie's not your dad."
And I was like, "What does that mean?
What do you mean?
Did you sleep around with a lot of men?
Like, what's going on?"
And then she said, "I went to a doctor,
and you're a-- a donor baby,
I don't know whose daughter you ar--
you know, whose biological father is yours,
I don't know, I just don't know."
And I have this image of Laura comin' down the steps,
white as a ghost.
And then she told me what she had just found out.
And she actually told my brother
that my father said he would kill her
if she ever told anybody-- like, legitimately kill her.
So, my mother was so scared to tell anybody.
So, this was not a figurative threat,
as far as you can tell.
Well, she didn't feel that it was.
I mean, I don't think my father would have ever done that,
but I don't know, you know?
[Jon] Laura's mother held on to the closest thing
to written proof of the insemination.
She paid for it with this check.
[Laura] On some levels,
I wish I could have spoken to my dad about it,
but I couldn't have spoken to my dad about it, but I wish.
Yeah, he never spoke about it to anybody, obviously.
[Jon] Despite his pattern of anger,
Laura loved her dad.
She struggled with not telling him
she knew she was donor-conceived.
Even on his deathbed, he was being verbally abusive.
Still, she was determined
to let him take his secret to the grave.
He was in the hospital, it wasn't looking good.
And he was just really short with me
and short temper and barking at me.
Barking orders and just being really abrasive.
And I remember thinking,
that at that moment, I kinda wanted to say something, like,
"I'm not even your biological child,
and I don't even have to be here right now, and I'm leaving."
Like, that was like-- [grunts] I was really close.
Looking back, right decision or wrong decision?
Oh, yeah, right decision.
I-- it would have been just to hurt--
I'm not a hurtful person,
so that would have been just, like, purely hurtful
and not nice, and now that I look back
and he was dying, I'm really glad
I didn't do that to him.
And I think he had a really hard time
accepting the fact that he couldn't have his own kids.
And he struggled with it internally by himself.
You know, back in his day, you didn't talk about that.
And I do know that he loved me,
but I think he had a trouble with it.
I think he definitely had trouble.
[gentle guitar music plays]
[Amanda] And I said to him that I'd met her birth mother,
because she was adopted, and I'll never forget the day
where you got this email back from a DNA sister.
[Mark] That was a shock. Uh, total shock.
[Jon] As he strolls along the sands
of Delray Beach, Florida, with his wife, Amanda,
Mark Slatin reflects on his own DNA story.
Turns out that I play a part in Mark's DNA story, too.
We are donor brothers.
Mark grew up on Long Island.
His dad was in sales, and made a great living.
But sometimes, Jerry Slatin, successful salesman,
transformed into Jerry Sands, the entertainer.
Straight out of the Catskills.
Mr. Jerry Sands!
[audience applauding]
He was a singer, he-- but he also told jokes,
and he had a schtick.
But I do not come from England, I come from Wales.
I didn't come from noble people, I came from Wales.
[Mark] Well, he always kind of wanted to be
in front of the camera, in the center of the stage.
[audience laughs]
He met people like Soupy Sales.
He would love when people say,
"You look just like Jackie Mason, the comedian."
And he would dress up, in all these crazy outfits,
because he loved to entertain.
[audience cheering]
[Jon] Mark, who was raised Jewish,
says his dad had a serious side.
He was a man of conviction.
[gentle guitar music plays]
[Mark] And he would go to Israel.
He was a self-proclaimed Zionist.
We-- we went a few times, probably earlier years,
but he would go, after he retired, each year,
and serve as a volunteer in the Israeli army.
[Jon] Mark had no idea
his parents were hiding a secret about him.
That changed at 19,
when Mark found out his dad was not his biological father.
It wasn't a DNA test that tipped him off, either.
It was his mother.
Mark's doctor needed information
about his family's medical history.
He was about to have a minor surgical procedure.
It was, like, midnight, and she's a night owl,
and I was coming in the kitchen.
And, um, she said, uh,
"You know when you asked me about--
you were relating that story about your medical condition
and what the doctors were asking about your history?
Medical history."
And I said, "Yeah." She goes,
"Well, um, you know around the time you were born,
we were planning on having a family,
but, um, your dad was shooting blanks."
And I'm like, "What does that mean?"
- And those are her exact words. - Those were her exact words.
When she told me,
the very last thing she said was,
"Don't tell him--" my dad.
"He told me not to tell you."
[woman] Shh!
[Jon] Eventually, Mark's mom did mention to his dad
that she had told Mark about the insemination.
So, from the early 1980s
until his dad's death in 2016,
more than 30 years,
Mark knew the secret.
And his dad knew that Mark knew.
[Mark] First date.
[chuckles] Because that isn't something
you tell someone on the first date.
Back when he was 19,
he finds out his father is not his father,
and that they never speak about it together,
even though they both knew?
It just was incredible.
So, you never talked to him.
He ne-- did you ever think about it?
Did you ever think about saying something to him?
I did start to think about it in his later years.
His health started to fail, he went on dialysis,
and I considered saying it, if nothing else,
to thank him for the selfless thing
that he did.
I was torn, because I wanted to thank him
for giving me this gift of life,
but at the same time, if it made him feel bad
and feeling shame
of something that he obviously chose for...
50-some-odd years not to bring up,
that I didn't want to be the first to bring it up.
It just wasn't gonna be part of the act.
- Yeah, so to speak, yeah. - [Jon] Right? Yeah.
Thank you very much.
[Jon] Unlike our other siblings,
Mark believes his dad's inability to have kids
didn't affect the way he treated Mark.
You have to accept
that that's not gonna be a piece of the puzzle
that's gonna get solved for you.
Right, right. And then...
[Jon] But, when it comes to emotional acuity,
our dads share similar traits.
[Mark] My dad was a really great provider growing up,
but from an emotional standpoint,
he was limited.
Quite frankly, I think there was some shame
associated with the ability of a man,
not being able to reproduce, which my father probably felt.
[Jon] And finally, I meet two other donor siblings.
Their experiences couldn't be more different.
First, there's donor sister Rose Sloat.
My father had been in the navy
and discharged for being mentally unstable.
[gentle piano music plays]
I didn't get along with him,
at all.
He was mean.
He bought shirts for me and my mom,
and the shirts said, "slave,"
and he had one that said "master."
[Jon] I suspect
that even if Rose was his biological child,
he'd still have been nasty.
Despite a great relationship with her mom,
her parents, like mine,
were intent on keeping their secrets
safely tucked away.
Rose recalls a conversation with them
after discovering her blood type in eighth-grade science.
[Rose] I knew my science,
and I knew that there's no way
that an A-negative dad
and an O-negative mom,
can have a B-positive baby.
And they said, "Well, when you were born
you had jaundice,
and then you had a blood transfusion,
so that must have changed your blood type."
So, I asked my science teacher,
and he didn't say anything to me,
so he was probably thinking
that my mom was stepping out, or something,
- but I... - [laughs]
I was angry with my parents,
and especially my mom, for not telling me,
because I had conflict with the father that raised me.
And so I think, "Oh, why didn't she let me know?"
[upbeat jazz music plays]
[Jon] Then, there's donor sibling
David Neuschulz.
He wasn't angry at all at either of his parents
when he got the results of his DNA test.
[doorbell ringing]
- Brother from another mother. - Hey, how's it goin' bro?
[Jon] Hey, man, how you doing?
[Jon] He remembers his dad
as someone straight out of Central Casting
for primetime television.
Several of my friends from the block
have blurted out to me in conversation,
"You know, your dad was a great man."
He's like a, you know, a cross between, uh,
the actor Brian Dennehy and Santa Claus.
Big buy. A rhinoceros of a man.
He was really a gentle giant when it came down to it.
He just had that charm--
life of the party-- in a good way.
[Jon] And David thinks his dad might have been okay
with the whole sperm donor thing.
Or maybe he never knew.
[Jon] So, you're saying that your mom,
she might have kept it from your dad, just--
- [David N] Yup. - [Jon] Wow.
Not even her best, best friends knew her age
until her funeral.
So, she had a little streak of keeping secrets,
but because of his love of kids in general,
maybe he did know.
I don't know.
[mysterious music plays]
[Jon] You've heard from the donor siblings
I know about,
but Hesh had six kids from two different marriages.
And through the testing service,
there are at least three other donor siblings
we know about.
Two say they're not interested in communicating
with the rest of us.
And Hesh has a donor grandchild
that no donor kid of his can claim.
So, who knows if it's Hesh's son
or daughter that's the parent?
And as time goes on,
who knows how many others might show up?
♪
♪ I'm ridin' my luck, I'm takin' my chances ♪
[Jon] Speaking of showing up, it's October, 2019.
I am heading to Las Vegas to visit my bio dad, Hesh,
for the first time, face-to-face.
I'm conflicted.
Obviously, my dad does not know
I'm going out to visit the man that pinch-hit for him
in the summer of 1963.
And I-- I'm feeling a little conflicted about it.
I feel like I'm cheating on him in a way.
And I think if my dad knew that I was doing this,
I think he would disown me.
[Jon] So, there's a lot to process here.
My donor sibs have already met Hesh,
and, like me now, they were anxious, too,
just before meeting him.
Their words swirl through my head.
[Mark] What is this gonna be like,
what's he gonna look like?
There's a part of me in him,
how much am I really gonna look like him?
[Sharon] I have an innate need
to look into the eyes of someone who has half my DNA.
There are no words to describe the moment
you meet your biological father.
[sighs heavily]
[camera shutter clicking]
So, this is the Jon eucalyptus tree,
so kindly presented as a gift...
[Jon] You are looking at a eucalyptus tree
planted in Hesh's backyard,
in my honor.
Sort of.
So, this is the eucalyptus tree
- you named after me... - Right.
...that I didn't get you, 'cause the one I got you...
- ...didn't survive. - Right.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- I'm honored. - Ah, you--
I'm honored to have a eucalyptus tree
- named after me. - And rightly so. And rightly so.
And it's awesome.
[Jon] He tends to a huge variety
of fruits and plants.
He's proud of it.
[Jon] Why do you think you like the garden so much, Hesh?
It's rewarding and forgiving.
And, okay. It-- rewarding, I understand.
Forgiving, explain how it's forgiving.
You can screw up.
You can forget to water it for one day, or two days.
And then remember. And it'll come back.
- It's forgiving. I like that. - It's forgiving.
[Jon] He is the bio dad who, unlike his visiting bio son,
comes complete with a green thumb.
There is a tomato growing somewheres up in here.
[Jon] And for a man in his late 80s,
he hardly gives a second thought
to walking two miles a day with his wife, Margery.
Sometimes, they do the walk twice in a day.
Margery, when, um, Hesh first found out
- all this... - Yeah.
...you know, what was his reaction?
What was he like?
Well, the very first is,
you know, it's like you-- you draw a breath in,
it's like [gasping].
What should-- what should it mean?
And the more we thought about it,
you know, it got a little exciting,
it's like, wow!
But it was nothing, like,
when we actually met 'em, and we realized,
these are middle-aged people who are so nice!
You know, it's-- it's like
there's no downside to meeting 'em.
Nothing. It was just wonderful.
- [Hesh] Yeah. - [Margie] They're just so nice.
Instead of being someone
whose father is long gone
and was very old,
actually, I have a donor father
who's alive, well, retired in Las Vegas
and healthy as a horse.
When I met him, I looked into his eyes,
and I saw my same eye color.
And I saw when he smiles,
he kind of lifts up the left side a little bit more
than the right side.
I just was, like, wow!
So, you start and you complete the frame.
I've got shelves of jigsaw puzzles in there.
You keep your mind busy and active,
and you'll be okay.
[Sharon] Here was this older man,
very healthy, very dynamic,
amazingly interesting,
so many angles to which he had lived his life,
and how he was currently living his life.
Who wouldn't want to be related to him?
The last piece, you leave that for Margie.
She's going about.
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
"Oh, a puzzle, oh, a piece.
Look, Heshy, I finished the puzzle."
"Way to go, Margie!"
[Jon laughing]
[Jon] Hesh is an invaluable resource
on the topic of 1960s artificial insemination.
Looking here, so we've got Shivman, Seinstein, Schell....
[Hesh] That was all...
[Jon] I'm learning, among other things,
that half the reason I was 99% Ashkenazi Jewish
was because many med students at Mount Sinai in 1963,
like Hesh, were Jewish.
[Hesh] Okay, so this is a yearbook of my grade school...
[Jon] Hesh was born in 1933.
He grew up in a lower-middle-class section
of Queens.
His father worked for Con Ed, the electric company.
The family was Jewish, but never practiced.
- I enjoyed that story. - [laughs] Okay.
Like, there was so much anti-Semitism in every--
in and around New York at the time,
even after World War II,
that you just didn't flaunt your religion to anybody.
You hid it.
Or else you got hit-- hit yourself.
I didn't have a Bar Mitzvah, didn't go to Hebrew school.
[electric guitar riff plays]
[Jon] Hesh makes it through college
and medical school on his own.
He went into private practice for 47 years.
Margie is his third wife, with whom he has no children.
She's credited for persuading Hesh
to do something rather unorthodox
when he was 74 years old.
Well, I got married to Margery, the love of my life,
and she said... [chuckles]
"...You have to go to church."
I said, I don't go to church, I go to synagogue.
So, "You have to go to synagogue."
I said, "Okay, I'll go to synagogue."
So I went to synagogue, and they said,
"You know, as an adult,
if you missed having a Bar Mitzvah,
you could have one as an adult."
I said "Really?" And we were Bar Mitzvahed.
[gentle piano music playing]
So here we are, in our fifties,
uh, and we're kind of meeting bio dad here.
What is it you want to give us?
- As your kids? - Well--
I mean, I know you're not gonna give us the house,
and you're not gonna give us the car,
and you're not gonna give us the insurance policy.
Uh, you-- if you want, we can talk,
but I-- I can live without it.
What are you think-- you know, what do you wanna give us?
You need to know that I came from nothingness,
from the little kid who slept on the floor,
to the kid that went to the American Board of OB-GYN
and gave exams, I was able to prosper.
So things fell into place for me,
and I had a very wonderful life.
I was able to make it.
[Jon] And there's a picture of you somewhere.
- Ah! - [Hesh] There is me.
You can do better than you think you can do.
Look what I did! You got my DNA.
Look at how many X number of years,
you can live that long.
[Jon] They just can't stop you, Hesh.
[Hesh] The secret of growing old is,
don't ever stop.
Don't ever stop moving, or you're doomed.
[Jon laughs]
How many kids do you think you have out there?
So I would say, over the period of time,
I would say maybe 60.
- Sixty? - [Hesh] Yeah.
Hmm. [laughs]
[Jon] So far, we only know about nine donor kids.
I suppose time will tell about the other potential 51.
In the fall of 2019,
after I meet Hesh, I have an aha moment.
Something clicks about my dad.
It's like the pieces of a puzzle suddenly come together.
- [Jon] Must be-- say hi. - Hi.
[Jon] Okay, all right.
[Jon] His need to hear "Hello" at the exact right time,
to get the greeting cards on time,
it's almost as if each demand represents a block,
propping up the wall, protecting the secret.
His actions say,
"Because you were donor conceived,
I'm not completely confident about being your father,
so help me see it as real.
Do these things,
or I'll think that you don't love me."
It's like we were fulfilling a contract
we never knew we signed.
In a way,
that part of the relationship feels rigged.
So, in a way, it was almost rigged.
- Yes. - Because he knew
- there was a contract. - There was a contract, yes.
We didn't know there was a contract.
Correct.
But we were expected to know there was a contract.
Right. We-- we were expected to do certain things,
and we eventually learned most of these things,
we knew, "Uh-oh, we better not do X or Y
or we're gonna be in trouble."
I mean, I do think that
there is this sense of an "aha" moment,
of whatever that moment is about for people who discover that
they are donor-conceived, and they didn't know.
[Jon] Rosanna Hertz is a professor of sociology
at Wellesley College in Massachusetts.
She studies new family types, like the one I'm discovering.
She's written at least two books on the subject.
As part of her research,
she's talked to many donor-conceived individuals.
Well, they didn't grow up with this
as part of their birth story, but suddenly it explains
pieces of themselves that never made sense.
Or it could be their relationship with their parent
that never made really great sense to them.
And I was like, "Oh, it wasn't me,
it wasn't my personality, it wasn't me.
It was how I came into the world that he was upset about,
and I was a constant reminder
of something that he couldn't do.
[epic orchestral music]
I didn't quite understand,
but I wasn't much like anyone in my family,
so when I found that out, I thought,
"That makes sense."
It was a wall, a wall built up,
and then when we realized what was going on,
I was like, "Oh, now I get it."
[Rosanna] The discovery makes them feel alive or whole,
or like they finally have an answer as to one's identity.
[Jon] The wall is gone.
And I have a different perspective
on my family's past.
There's more clarity.
These bins are like our family archives,
containing photos, movies, and videos.
All once scattered throughout our New Jersey home.
Our trip to Israel, 1983. God, they loved it there.
Hmm. Jerusalem.
Here they are. At the Western Wall.
[Jon] Now, decades of images and sounds
sit quietly in my Georgia garage.
Knowing what I know now, what might they reveal?
As soon as my parents tied the knot,
they broke out the camera.
Among the very first images captured,
the young couple's European honeymoon,
in the summer of 1954.
It's as if the smiles on their faces are saying,
"What could possibly go wrong?"
So, here is the first photo album
my parents had after they got married.
So it starts in the fall of 1954,
and then we go to the summer of 1955,
at the beach in Long Island,
and then suddenly the pages all go blank.
You know, I never really thought about it,
but the gap from 1955 to 1958,
with no photos, no films in these bins,
coincides with their struggle to get pregnant.
[Jon] For a young married couple like my parents,
or any couple wanting children in the late 1950s,
the path to artificial insemination
could be challenging,
filled with strong cultural headwinds.
More than several US states had bills pending
that would have made it criminal if you inseminated anyone.
None of these pending bills ever passed,
but it speaks to the kind of secrecy
that then emerges within the medical world as well.
This kind of thing is ethically iffy.
We have a great religious thrust not to do this,
and yet women and-- and doctors are doing it.
You have to give them credit.
[Jon] This 1958 series of articles
from the New York Daily News backs that up.
It's about a boom in what they call "test-tube babies,"
complete with this cheesy graphic meant to sell papers.
The headline says is it all.
The Archdiocese of New York called artificial insemination
"The Latest Social Evil."
Orthodox rabbis based their opposition
on the scriptures' disdain
of "Casting seed upon the ground."
The article explores how some husbands,
experiencing the shame of infertility,
waited in the car
as their wives had the insemination procedure.
The experience would have weighed heavy
on almost anyone's marriage at the time.
All the dads that raised my donor siblings are all gone.
They've all died.
But my dad, he's the sole survivor.
This is Sharon's wedding?
Oh, it looks it. Here's the white gown.
[Jon] But Sharon's mom...
Bowtie on a bir-- third birthday?
I've no idea. Why'd you give me a bowtie?
[Jon] Mark's mom...
This is DNA brother Jon.
- [Jon] Oh. - Oh, hi.
- [Laura laughs] - Nice to meet you.
Can I get a hug?
[Doris] You got a hug, and you gonna get a kiss.
[Jon] And Laura's mom, are all alive.
All are willing to share their tales of donor conception,
revealing what my mother won't, or can't.
All three may have gone to the same doctors
for insemination, or completely different ones.
The doctor told me,
"You're not to tell a soul, nobody."
He said, "You can be artificially inseminated.
But I'm gonna tell you right now,
it's not legal.
If you have a problem with that, then forget about it."
At that time, everybody kept everything a secret,
and you didn't want to tell anything.
So I did it, once.
I was inseminated.
And, uh, I got pregnant immediately.
I went many times.
I had so much of the insemination,
and it's a lot of times.
[Jon] I'll never know just how often
my young mom attempted artificial insemination,
but I'm almost certain that on the first try,
she handled it as Harriette would,
by hiding it in plain sight to a national TV audience.
I remember my mom telling me once,
when I was home sick watching game shows.
She came into my room, and she said
"I was on a game show once."
And little Jonny with a 101 fever goes, "Really?"
And she says "Yeah," she said,
"You know, when we were trying to have kids,
I was really nervous,
and the doctor said to me, I gotta calm down.
I gotta take my mind off having children.
So I tried out for game shows, and I got on one."
[announcer] These are $3,000 winners,
Mrs. Harriette Baime and her partner,
Buffalo Bill Vogel,
competing for a salary of $500 a day
on Who Do You Trust?
Now, here's the star of our show, Johnny Carson!
[audience applauding]
[John] She was on for two weeks, she won 5,500 bucks.
She got enough money to get
the automatic garage door opener.
Welcome to Who Do You Trust, we have another tie...
That's what she told me, she-- she did with the money.
Have you been out spending any of it at all?
- No, not yet. - Haven't spent a cent?
- No. - Well...
[Jon] Watching my mother on that game show,
at 28 years old, talking to Johnny Carson,
it was surreal.
If you watched her on the game show,
it was just, like, everything was wonderful,
everything is great, you know?
Almost like she was star-struck with him.
How's your husband been treating you now?
New respect since you've been on our show?
Well, he says the money doesn't matter, Johnny,
but I've been getting breakfast in bed every morning.
Aha!
She always associated being on that game show
with getting pregnant.
Within ten seconds after I say, "Go,"
name as many as you can
of the 27 men to be top Oscar winners.
- Yes. - You ready?
- Yes. - Go!
Marlon Brando, Alec Guinness, William Holden,
Clark Gable, Gary Cooper, Paul Muni, Frank Sinatra,
um...
Well, I don't think there's any doubt about
the outcome here, uh, Todd, what was the score?
[Todd] Let's see, uh, Betty, uh, Ratazina
had just one correct,
Harriette Baime had five correct.
Winner, still champion for $3,500 and Buffalo Bill Vogel!
[Jon] She reigned as champion
on Who Do You Trust? from July 23rd
to August 7th, 1958.
Eric was born on April 24th, 1959.
Go to whenwasIconceived.com,
conception date was July 28th to August 5th, 1958.
It could have been the very day she was on the game show
that I was conceived.
She could have come back from the doctor's office,
and been in such a great mood.
"Okay, Jonny, let's get-- let's get going here,
I'm gonna make some money here."
My mother had two contests she was doing.
One was winning $500 a day on this game show.
And the other was trying to get pregnant.
- Are you ready? - Yes, I am.
Go.
[Jon] She took the heat from my dad,
claiming that trying out for and eventually competing
on a game show would, of all things,
calm her down enough to get her pregnant.
But as we know now, the issue was with him.
[Rosanna] Actually, there is studies about that.
The stigma of infertility is often borne by the woman.
So, other people will not question
his virility, his masculinity.
This was a time before in vitro fertilization.
This was a time before egg donation,
sperm donation,
before you could pick your donor out of a book.
How would the medical community handle a situation like this,
before 1990 or 1980, or even 1970?
[Jon] Let's take a trip to an OB-GYN
in the summer of 1958 as a fly on the wall.
We'll be joined by a couple with male fertility issues,
just like my parents.
The procedure is simple.
You'll be out of the office in about half an hour.
And then you can do any activities.
Even be on the TV game show.
[Jon] I envisioned three scenarios,
since I'm not asking my dad about this.
Maybe my parents went there together.
Maybe my mom went alone.
Or maybe the whole consultation was done by phone.
One thing is certain.
Today, we have the benefit of hindsight,
to know what medical science might have missed back then.
There is no way anyone could figure this out,
so it's for the best,
never say anything to the child about this.
After the procedure, go home and forget about it.
Tell no one.
No one. No one.
Tell no one.
It was not run by the hospital,
it was not run by the medical school.
Uh, it was a resource used by any physician
in midtown Manhattan.
East side, west side, it didn't matter.
I think the doctor would probably explain
that you would be the legal parents to that child.
For all intents and purposes,
the father of the child will be your husband.
His name will be on the birth certificate,
he'll help raise the child
and make decisions for the child's well-being.
In the '50s, in the '60s, there was only fresh sperm,
and the way in which doctors found donors
was the expectation that they would use
their medical students.
One of the residents, usually a third-year,
had a little spiral notebook,
and we were called on the obstetrical service.
Dr. So-and-So needs a sperm specimen
at ten o'clock, two o'clock, whenever,
because that was when the patient
who was tracking her menstrual cycle
would be the most fertile,
and would show up in his office for a donation.
So, you want a Jewish donor?
Well, good. That'll be easy.
Your husband has brown eyes, dark hair.
We'll look for that.
They attempted to match donors to the fathers,
on a set of characteristics,
for instance, eye color, skin tones,
um, some things that were not genetic,
which were similar to the adoption world.
Religion was one, because there was this idea
that all Jews are similar to one another,
et cetera, et cetera.
Okay, then.
We'll have everything arranged,
so we'll see you next Thursday at 11:30.
You were able to take the specimen
and go down to the-- Mount Sinai's entrance
underneath the awning, hailing a cab,
giving the specimen in a paper bag,
and saying "Take this to Dr. X's office,
he needs this specimen by such and such a time."
So they never passed in the same room, even,
or were in the same clinic at the same time.
It was so covert,
but when the moms tell me this story,
they're so nonchalant about it.
It's-- it's like they're goin' out
and buying a pair of shoes or something.
Took the train, went to the doctor,
stayed there about a half hour, took the train and went home.
- Did you have any fear? - No.
Why? Why did you have no fear?
Well, why should I be afraid?
If it worked, it worked. If it didn't, it didn't.
I went on a train downtown, I worked at night
when I used to go downtown, nobody knows what you're doing,
- where you're going. - [Jon] Right.
We just did it out of the goodness of our heart,
if you wanna look at it that way.
And the best way, I think, to look at it is,
it's the same as a blood transfusion.
And they went on with their life.
"I now have my three kids, I am relieved.
I don't have to worry about fertility issues and doctors
and everything else, and we can worry about
raising good, upholding citizens."
- [camera whirring] - [lullaby playing]
[Jon] After a three-year absence,
the cameras in my parents' world started rolling again.
First scene, Harriette displays her pregnant self.
Next scene, images of her with the grand prize
from that other contest she was partaking in
during her stint on a Who Do You Trust.
By the end of 2019,
I feel like I'm living a tale of two genetics.
In Florida, my mom's dementia's getting worse,
and she's getting weaker,
and my dad is feeling more alone.
Meanwhile, in Las Vegas,
Hesh is planning for his annual date harvest.
[big band music playing]
[Jon] The female medjool date trees
in his desert garden are ripe for picking.
He sends a box of dates to each donor kid,
enclosed with a note explaining a little about the mating ritual
of the female date trees and the male date trees.
Boy, it rings familiar.
[Hesh]
[Jon] While Hesh is busy sharing the wisdom
of date tree reproduction...
[phone ringing]
[Jon] I'm getting this voice mail from my dad.
[Richard]
[Jon] That's code for, "Come down here.
Time to show me you love me, and make sure to say hello
as soon as you enter the door."
Eric, living just a few towns away,
visits several times a week.
And so far,
neither of us have slipped up
about knowing what we know.
But it's starting to seem that Eric likes to push the limit.
So I would say to him, "Oh, gee, you know,
I'm kind of worried at my age,
I know that your mom had glaucoma,
and that you have hip problems.
I really worry about this stuff."
Which I do, about that.
I want to see if he might spill the beans,
or might say to me,
like I thought he should have said,
"We need to have a chat."
[laughs] Yeah, yeah.
And then you woke up from that fantasy.
Yeah, right, it was a fantasy,
but I was gonna give him the benefit of the doubt.
So you were giving him an opening.
- Giving him an opening. - So what did he say to you?
Pretty much, "You don't need to worry about that,
- it's not your gene pool. - Okay.
- So he threw you a softball. - He threw me a softball.
And now, you what--
you just stepped away from the plate?
Well, I knew then that he wasn't going to deal with it,
because that's what he does, he gives you softballs.
If he doesn't want to deal with an issue,
he steps away from it.
If I was to force the issue, it would probably not end well.
[Jon] Then there was what I call the Francine incident.
This was a lunch with my dad's biological family.
It includes our cousins on his side,
along with myself.
Also present, my dad's cousin Francine.
[Eric] So I asked her, I said "Francine,
doesn't Jon look just like my dad used to look?
Isn't there a resemblance there?"
So I was testing her a little bit, too.
Seeing what-- does she know anything?
She did not know, and nobody reacted to it.
Francine said, "Well, you know,
you were on the same level, then, aren't you?"
And, which I-- obviously she didn't know.
- Yeah. - And when she said that,
there was no reaction from my dad.
So, at that point,
if-- if he's not reacting to what she's saying,
this secret is down so deep,
we're down by the center of the Earth here.
It was fun luncheon, I thought, I enjoyed it.
[both laugh]
[Jon] If you think there might be animosity
between Eric and my dad, you're right.
Their relationship was often tense,
from the time he was in his late teens.
Not much to say, really,
just relaxing and enjoying myself.
[indistinct] Look, cool. It.
[Jon] Richard Baime is a man's man,
he's into the Yankees,
the country club lifestyle, golfing, and business.
He pals around with his buddies.
While he was down fighting for our country,
I was home taking care of the girls.
Yeah. Yes.
[man] Yeah, that's good, that's a good job.
I'm reading a very scary book.
[Richard] What's it called?
It's called-- it's by H.P. Lovecraft,
and it's called The Case of Charles Dexter Ward.
[Richard] Uh, uh, uh, uh, that's--
I love it. Very scary book.
[Jon] Their personalities are light years apart,
maybe an uncomfortable reminder that Eric just wasn't like him.
[Richard] I just wanted to tell all of you...
- [Eric] Thanks, Papa. - ...how happy Harry and I are,
to have you all here to share our happiness.
[Jon] At Eric's first wedding, in 1987,
my dad makes a toast,
and suddenly refers to fathering three boys.
I'm not-- what I wanna tell ya,
that knowing the Baime genealogy,
that the bris is gonna be in Florida.
[indistinct] in central Florida.
[attendees cheering]
[Jon] His joke is a hit amongst his audience of 150,
but it has as much sincerity as Eric's first marriage,
which, after having two kids, ended in divorce.
Don't get close, Jonathan, [indistinct].
[news program theme playing]
[announcer] The COVID-19, or coronavirus,
is spreading quickly throughout the United States,
as well as around the world.
[Jon] By the time COVID grabs hold of the world in 2020,
frequent visits that used to look like this
are reduced to this.
- I'm still here! - Yeah.
Yes.
I don't know for what purpose, but I'm still here.
He has lost a lot of his personal touch with his--
his older friends.
You know, we make 'em wash their hands
when they come in, or...
[Jon] In June, at the year and a half point
since we found out,
David remains ignorant
that he's likely donor-conceived.
That will soon change.
...new symptom, or have you had any of these two symptoms?
[Jon] My parents' advanced ages requires them
to quarantine from the virus, at home.
Neither will ever contract the disease,
but 2020 will be the year that they both die.
The face of death can be quite grim,
but there's something really beautiful here.
Loyalty and love from a man
whose wife can still bring a little comfort to her husband.
Hours later, my mom dies first, with my dad at her side.
She's 89.
My dad never wanted to put my mom
in a memory care facility.
He always said that she stuck with him through his hard times,
so he was gonna stick with her through her hard times.
That's his way of keeping his word.
And maybe, also his way of keeping the secret.
[salsa music playing]
[Jon] In a way, their agreement to do donor conception
was this kind of delicate dance.
I wonder, would she have left him
if he didn't agree to a sperm donor?
She had the leverage.
The family money was mostly hers.
And his problem would follow him wherever he went.
They were two very different people.
My mom had an adventurous spirit.
She loved to travel, but had to force him along.
He was more subdued.
He'd rather stay close to home,
and spend time on the golf course.
But there was one place he would go without hesitation.
[klezmer music playing]
Israel. They both loved it.
Making numerous trips over the years.
Their must-see spot was the Wailing Wall.
I suppose, in a way, it's fitting.
But it's also one of the most sacred spots in Judaism.
There's a tradition there.
People will write notes
and squeeze them in between the walls' crevices.
Wishes, prayers, people's names, anything.
Some believe it's a direct connection to God.
My mom put a unique spin on that tradition.
She would write letters to her deceased parents,
and she would place them in the wall.
Harriette was eccentric that way.
I mean, she was using the wall
as a patch cord to plug her letters in.
So she could touch base with her mom and dad.
[solemn piano music playing]
[Jon] After my mom's death, my dad is miserable.
His mobility is limited, he wants to die.
At the same time, he's scared of death,
and that's a hard place to be.
He becomes a lot more, um, prone to anger.
If something happens, he tends to jump the handle,
uh, there's a lot-- a lotta-- a lotta tension,
and, um, it-- it-- it was really not--
not very pleasant.
With Mom not there, and, you know,
this is his soulmate for life,
um, and I think he was-- he was-- knew it,
he was-- only had a certain amount of time left.
[Jon] At this point, every few weeks,
he's admitted to the hospital.
If it isn't trouble breathing, then it's because he falls.
The trips are exhausting,
and put him at risk of getting COVID.
We have an idea. Hospice.
That would allow him to receive all medical treatment from home.
He liked the idea first, and then did not like it
for some reason, all of a sudden.
Sometimes things would just trigger in his head,
and he would just say something, and one of them was,
you know, "The hospice idea is a horrible idea, you're--
you're-- you're trying to kill me off,"
or something to that effect.
[Eric] It's time now to let David know,
there's some issues you need to learn about Dad.
More than you know.
He needs to hear it, he needs to hear the reality
and understand not to be so upset about
what my dad was saying to him in an--
in moments of anger and frustration.
[Zoom call ringing]
[Jon] As you can tell from David's sleepwear...
- Here you are! - [David] Hello.
In your pajamas!
[Jon] ...we scheduled the revealing Zoom call
for the morning.
So, here's the deal.
I'll just tell you what I know,
and I'll tell you how I know it,
and then you can ask 100,000 questions,
'cause you're going to.
Dick is not your biological father, most likely.
He's not mine, and he's not Eric's.
We're sure of that.
- What happened is... - Wait a minute.
Am I having a dream? I gotta wake up.
Little bit much there for you?
- Am I having a dream? - [Jon] No.
[Eric] This is real.
[Jon] I explain it all.
The test, the Hesh, the bio siblings.
That we call Dad Asterisk.
David is quickly brought up to speed.
But we-- we all have a different father?
[Eric] We all have a different father.
- Uh, yes. - [David] I was surprised.
Um, I-- it was a little bit of a-- a shock.
Uh, 'cause it wasn't like I put everything all together,
and it was like "Oh, this-- that's why,"
or whatever.
It wasn't one of those moments. It didn't bother me.
It doesn't bother you at all?
No. It really doesn't bother me.
You know, I put myself in those shoes,
my-- you know, what would I do?
I-- I can see their reason why they did it,
let's put it that way.
'Cause it just might ruin their relationship with us,
or cause it to go in a way
that they wouldn't have liked, so...
I do think it explains some of his behaviors though.
In-- in how he-- he seemed to treat us differently.
He was-- he was very sensitive about
some of the things we would do, or not do towards him.
Well, that-- now that you know what you know,
would you rather know what you know,
or would you rather just lived your life
in bli-- ignorant bliss?
It-- it's good to know.
[Jon] 'Cause you, and Eric...
[David] You know, maybe-- maybe it does help explain it.
Maybe I-- I can understand from his perspective.
That I've got nine.
[David] I understand what they did,
and-- and why they kept it a secret,
but as thing change in your--
people's lives, and our relationship with them,
there could be, and in this case I think there was,
a right time to say it to me, and maybe to each of us.
[Jon] David agrees not to say anything to our dad
for the short time he has left.
David also decides only to take a DNA test after my dad dies.
But what if he takes one and gets no matches?
He'll never know for sure
if Richard is his biological father.
That's where this paternity test comes in.
The plan?
Have my dad's cheek swabbed
near or at the time of his death.
Then David will swab himself, and submit the test.
Do you think if Dick died first, and Mom didn't lose her mind,
do you think she might have told us?
I just think just knowing her personality,
and she's this very honest--
I don't think she'd want to hide that from us,
if he'd passed away.
I don't know how she would have felt,
not just sharing it with us as children,
but that would've gotten out
to all the aunts and uncles and cousins.
Which-- would she have wanted to do that?
You know, I don't see it happening.
She might have, if we confronted her,
together, and she was in her right mind,
you know, again, I'm giving you 25 ifs here.
[Jon] After my mom dies,
my mind starts working differently.
I wonder, not what the driving force is
behind keeping the secret,
but what was it that brought them
to donor conception?
[Jon] A huge decision
for any hopeful parent at the time.
They regularly showed up a lot during the holidays, right?
[Jon] One very much about them, because we didn't exist yet.
Uh, I don't think I could live without having a baby.
Just let it cool off a minute.
[Mark] I was struck by, your reaction too was
how badly you wanted to have a child.
But yo-- for you it seemed like,
something much deeper than that.
- It was, it was. It was. - What was behind that?
I don't know, I just felt I couldn't--
not live if I didn't have a child.
It was just crazy.
Would you ever want to meet her--
Sharon's biological father?
I would have loved to! I'd do it in a minute.
- Really? - Yes, why not?
I'd love to.
I'd-- I'd say, "Thank you for doing this
to help people like me."
- Oh, I would thank him. - [Jon] You would?
Oh, yes.
He gave me this beautiful, smart,
accomplished woman.
No one else could give me her.
Well, why don't we tell him?
[Zoom call ringing]
[Doris] Well, will I be able to see him?
- [Hesh] Hello. - [Laura] Oh.
[Jon] Is that you, Hesh? There you go.
[Laura] Yes, Hesh. Hey. Hey, how are you?
Hesh, this is my mom, Doris.
Hi, Hesh.
- Pleased to meet you, Doris. - It's a pleasure to meet you.
And-- and I want to thank you.
- Because I have... - [Hesh] Well--
...the most wonderful young woman
- that I could ever have. - [Laura laughs]
And I-- and I'm grateful.
You--
That's wonderful feedback, isn't it?
Yes, it is. But you did a wonderful thing.
You-- I-- I appreciate your compliments.
- Thank you. - Well, I thank you.
Wait-- the best part.
Hesh, tell her how much you got paid for your donation.
- Five dollars. - [Doris] Oh, my God.
- I would pay you anything now. - [Laura] Aw.
For Laura.
- So... [laughs] - Very nice to meet you.
[Doris] Very nice to meet you too, Margie.
Isn't this something?
We never thought we would meet you!
[all laugh]
[Doris] Well, I'm-- I'm so grateful.
- [Margie] Yeah. - It's not just a child,
it's a wonderful child.
Who has given me three fabulous grandchildren,
who you would be very proud of.
- That's terrific. - [Doris] It is!
- [Laura] All right? All right. - [Jon] Thanks, Hesh.
- [Laura] Bye, Hesh. - [Doris] Bye, Hesh.
- [Hesh] Bye-bye. - Isn't he handsome?
- Yes, he's very handsome. - [Laura] He's 89.
See his teeth, Jon?
- [Doris] Yeah, you-- - [Laura] They're real!
[Jon] They're awesome.
[Laura] I am so grateful that she did what she did,
otherwise I wouldn't be here.
[Doris] We love each other. I mean--
[Laura] Yeah, I love my mom.
When someone's desperate to have a child,
and you are that person,
that has to make you feel good, it has to make you feel special,
and-- and yeah, I've always felt my mother's love
from the time I was a baby till now.
[Jon] Just like those other parents,
mine really wanted babies.
They were young,
struggling how to get the kids they desperately wanted.
It's that simple.
And as far as the secrecy goes
and the effect it possibly had on our dad's relationship,
well, like it or not,
my parents were just following doctors' orders.
Maybe it was as much a prescription for us kids
as it was for them.
Now, that world at that point was shrouded in secrecy
and shame and in anonymity.
There was no understanding that
knowing your genetic origins mattered,
or knowing that the person
you thought was your social and biological father
was only your social father.
Today, the belief is that
you should tell children that-- that they were donor conceived,
and you should do it early on.
[Jon] In December 2020, I visit my dad
for what I know is the final time.
He's weak, and completely dependent on his aide.
But mentally, he's all there.
He even starts calling people to say goodbye.
...a little less, prior.
Okay.
That week, we watch some football together,
we watch movies, we have ice cream at night.
It's-- it's nice.
[solemn string music playing]
[Jon] When saying goodbye
for what we both know is the last time,
I ask if there's anything else he wants to tell me.
"Nope," he says.
I'm not sure what else I expect him to say,
but I thank him for being my dad, and leave.
[nurse] Anything hurting?
[Jon] Four days later,
David is at his side when he dies.
And about that paternity test?
The samples are swabbed, and in the mail.
[gentle guitar music playing]
[Jon] Do you think he knew? That we knew?
Do you think he went to his grave,
like, knowing, or do you think he just was--
would think about it, and then say,
"I-- I don't want to think about this anymore."
[Eric] I think, uh, he did not want to think about it,
he-- he suspected it, I'm sure he suspected it.
- Hello? - [Eric] Hello!
Good to see you, you had a good trip?
Very good trip.
[Jon] David's paternity test
comes back as no surprise,
resulting in a 0% probability of paternity
between him and our dad.
You think we did the right thing,
letting him take it to the grave?
Oh, yes. 100%.
He had a relationship with us that he liked.
He cared about us and all that stuff.
Yes, but he had a relationship that he liked.
Yes, he liked.
So, might it have been better--
it could have been a better relationship,
for all of us, with honesty injected.
He found what he liked, and he decided
we're gonna keep it this way, this the way I like it.
[mysterious chime music playing]
[Jon] At the Star of David Cemetery
in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, lies our parents' headstone.
There's a unique subtlety about it,
a message about forgiving, but not necessarily forgetting.
We learn the headstone engravers don't do asterisks,
but frankly, these stars look better,
and accomplish the same thing.
[David] The asterisks mean that for each one of us,
we had the same nurture father, but with an asterisk.
It's meaning that there's more to the story.
[Eric] But we understand what he was to us,
and it would be on there forever and ever,
and it would go down through time.
That the secret, at least in our minds, was out.
♪ How I wonder what you are ♪
[Jon] David takes a DNA test, which reveals that Eric,
David and I are all half brothers,
with different bio dads.
He also discovers about a half dozen half siblings
on his father's side, who he eventually contacts.
[Jon] What do you think about the siblings
that you've met so far?
The new ones, the-- my replacements.
[sighs] Let me think about that one.
- [Jon laughs] - Uh, they're real--
they're really nice people, it i-- it is,
I would say the word surreal does come into it,
'cause they don't-- I still think of you and Eric
- as brothers. - Right.
Because we grew up together, and-- and all that stuff.
- [indistinct]. - Yeah.
And still seeing those-- Mom and Dad
as one common parental unit, with us.
- Right, so... - It is what it is.
- [all] It is what it is. - You know?
[Jon] One of David's donor siblings discovers
a bio dad match.
However, the man has no interest in any contact.
Eric is in a similar boat.
His search for any relatives on his biological father's side
has revealed yet another wall.
He never makes contact
with the one donor sibling he matched with.
We hire a genetic detective,
and we're confident we know who Eric's biological father is.
[Eric] The bio dad that I know about,
uh, apparently, uh, lives nearby also.
I sent him a letter, never-- never responded,
never emailed back.
I called, nothing.
If you donated to any child that's out there,
they're not gonna sue you.
There's no legal ties anyway, but please respond to them.
Could be for health reasons.
I have health reasons I want to ask about as well.
You helped create a living person
who's out there now, who wants to know about you...
You know, I-- I have good things to say...
[Jon] My initial discovery
that brought down the wall hiding the secret,
ultimately changes our lives for the better.
Yes.
[Jon] We all agree that we now know
what we should have known a long time ago.
[man behind camera] Has this whole scenario
brought you guys any closer as brothers?
No, we still hate each other.
[Eric laughs]
Hey, front door is for guests, you're family!
Come in.
- [Jon] Coming in. - Hi!
- Sister from another mother. - [Sharon] Hello, brother.
[Sharon] Welcome. Welcome, welcome.
I was going to get the other name.
It's good to see you.
[Jon] About once a year, we donor sibs get together.
Here he is!
[Jon] This go around, we are at Sharon's house.
- How are ya? - [Rose] I'll say good, good.
The official meeting
of the Sisters and Brothers from Other Mothers Club
is now come to order.
Because we are all going to be together,
I have a birthday card for Harrison,
so it's from all of us.
[Rose] So it was just random people
that happened to find out were related.
[Mark] And have this unusual bond
that we've just recently discovered.
[David N] It's an exercise in thankfulness,
just to get such a gift of knowing more about yourself,
at this stage of life.
- [Jon] Oh, my goodness. - [David N] Ah!
[Mark] It's a, what do they call it, DNA helix?
[Jon] Yeah, it's a DNA Helix.
If somebody told me, five years ago,
I'd be cutting cake that says "Welcome..."
Thank you.
[Jon] "...Sisters and brothers from Other Mothers,"
I'd be like, and what was in the cake that you had?
[Jon] It seems like most of us started out
either shocked, confused, and maybe pissed off.
Or some combination of those things.
But, with a little help from people who care about you,
and the connection you have with them,
you might just get the right recipe
to turn lemons into lemonade.
The story...
feels almost complete, but there's one piece missing,
and that piece is,
letting my parents know exactly how I feel,
and there's only one way to do it.
And that's by writing a letter.
And the letter would go like this.
[Jon reading]
[gentle piano music playing]
It's been guided by an incomplete feeling.
Something I always sensed was there,
like a wall, jammed between me
and a part of myself I never understood.
[Jon] I lived like this for 54 years,
believing something so incomplete
was actually complete.
I allowed myself to become comfortable
with the uncomfortable.
[announcer over PA] Atlanta International Airport,
a gateway to...
[Jon] Imagine my shock when I discovered that
the two of you were the architects
of a wall I always suspected was there.
And it wasn't one designed to last
just for the first 20 or 30 years of my life,
so you would eventually tell me what you could have.
You were intent on building a wall that would last forever.
[agent] Welcome aboard.
[Jon] Maybe you thought what I wouldn't know
couldn't hurt me.
But not knowing just confused me.
I felt deceived, and at first, I was in no place to realize
how intentional that deceit was or wasn't.
Revealing all that from a damn DNA test
just added to my fury.
How dare you.
[heartfelt classical music playing]
[captain over PA] It's a great pleasure
to have you on board.
[Jon] Okay, so I'll never fill in all the blanks
as to what happened when, why, and how.
It doesn't matter.
But by discovering others along the way,
who lived in the shadows of clouds covering a secret
that was just like mine.
I learned that it wasn't about what made you build the wall,
it's mostly about why you built it.
[gentle piano music playing]
Maybe in some way you thought artificial insemination
was a second-class way to be conceived.
Maybe you thought I might not love you
like normally conceived children.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
I think that not being able to have kids the way you wanted
wounded your self-esteem.
I then had to make Dad feel like a good father on his terms.
That created a vicious cycle.
One filled with more frustration and anger
than happiness and love.
But it was a cycle that was broken,
thankfully, by a simple truth.
You desperately wanted children.
Back then, artificial insemination
was your best option.
Unfortunately, deception was part of the process.
And there's nothing I can ever do about that.
So, I end my journey here.
At the same spot where Mom placed a letter
for her parents.
Some walls divide us.
But I want to use this wall as one that unites us.
♪
I think that this letter belongs here.
And by placing it here,
I'm giving it the home it deserves...
and the forgiveness you both deserve.
[Jon] Please know that I will love you both
unconditionally and forever.
Jon.
[intense violin music playing]
♪
[music stops]