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HANK: Oh!
[GROANS]
PRESENTER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Hank Chen!
[ALL CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
[MOUTHING] Thank you.
[ALL CHANTING] Hank, Hank, Hank.
Thank you, guys, so much!
Thank you!
Stop. This is a comedy special.
Thank you. Stop it. Comedy special.
We're gonna laugh, I promise.
Oh, my God. Thank you guys so much
for being here and supporting live comedy, supporting me.
What the fuck is this shit? Look at this.
They brought it out. Holy shit.
I was on that a week ago, and then I wasn't.
I was on the road. Wow.
No. [EXHALES] We are... We're gonna have a really great time tonight,
because I am high on oxy.
[ALL CHEERING]
And in seven days, I haven't taken a shit.
But I just had enchiladas for dinner.
So fingers crossed, okay?
The resale value of this couch is about to go way down.
[GRUNTS] Or up, depending on your kink.
Freaks. [CHUCKLES]
Look at how diverse this audience is. I see you.
We are like the United Nations...
if the United Nations worked.
Someone told me the other day that stand-up is like the new poetry,
and I'm like, "Yeah, Maya Angelou will be real proud of all of us
"contributing to world peace by listening to dick jokes."
No.
I'm not supposed to be here.
Uh, some of you know that I ride a motorcycle,
and exactly a week ago, I got hit by a car.
I fractured my pelvis,
and I just got discharged from Cedars-Sinai two days ago,
which is why I look fabulous.
- [ALL CHEERING] - Thank you.
Oh.
Seriously, are we even going to call this a stand-up special? I don't know.
Thank you. I don't...
Fucking... It's going to be the lie-down special, okay?
To be original.
The day of the accident,
one week ago, the doctors were like,
"You might need surgery,
"you need long-term healthcare,
"you're gonna have to stay off your feet for like six to eight weeks."
And I was like...
"You listen to me.
Let me tell you exactly what I do.
"The word 'stand-up'..."
I was like this. I said, "The word 'stand-up'
"are literally in the name of my profession."
[CHUCKLES]
I feel bad for the driver who hit me.
It was this kid. He was very sweet.
He ran out of his car and he was like,
"I'm sorry!"
And I was like... [EXHALES]
"It's okay, but you have to call 911.
"I forgive you, but help me!"
It's too early for me to decide if I'm gonna ride again.
But, uh, I love riding motorcycles, man, it's too early.
But I will say that if I don't,
the thing that I'm gonna miss the most about it is the respect.
'Cause Asian drivers do not get respect on the road.
But when I put on a helmet...
and covered my entire face...
people treated me like I was Iron Man.
Like I was a white cop.
I was so masculine on my bike.
Girls at crosswalks would check me out as I held traffic for them.
Other drivers, they'd get out of your way, right?
And they feel cool when you point at them.
One time, I was knocking on a lady's window
to let her know her blinker was on. She was like, [SHRIEKS]
"I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. Thank you so much."
I was like, "It's fine, lady."
Like, you get respect when you're on a motorcycle.
But I'm gonna tell you a secret.
We're actually very vulnerable.
Uh, we don't wear seatbelts.
All we have is our equipment to protect us,
which is why I never understood aggressive bikers. Like, what are you doing?
So, if you ever find yourself in the middle of a biker gang attack,
or you feel someone just coming after you or whatever,
just run us over, you'll be fine.
We won't be. You'll be safe. Just go, okay?
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
This was not my first brush with death.
You know, I was almost born feet-first
with an umbilical cord wrapped around my neck.
And because I survived that,
my parents had higher expectations from me than...
this.
You know? In fact... You know...
All of you guys are really part of the great nightmare.
So, thank you for... [CHUCKLES]
Thank you for being a part of that.
I come from a very conservative background.
My parents are very...
disappointed that...
I turned out to become...
not a doctor. You know what I'm saying?
While I was recovering at Cedars-Sinai,
I kept telling all my Asian doctors that my mom was proud of them.
For more drugs.
Didn't work, but they appreciated it.
I'm the oldest of two. I'm the only son.
Both my parents are engineers.
My dad has two Masters degrees.
My mom and I have had the same phone conversation for the last 15 years,
and it drives me crazy. She's just...
[TAKES DEEP BREATH] "Okay, you know,
"acting and comedy can just be hobby, okay?
"Uh, part-time.
"Independent contractor.
"Also, you don't have to be gay. Hello? Excuse me?
"No gay. You don't have to be gay.
"Gay can be hobby."
[LAUGHTER]
"Part-time.
"Independent contractor.
"Mommy love you. Click."
She says "click." I don't know why.
I got a degree in sociology
from a Christian college outside of Chicago.
Wheaton College in Illinois.
And it is an honor
to be blocked by them on Twitter.
I thought God was all about honesty.
I guess they can't handle the truth.
They love to brag that
they are the Harvard of Christian colleges.
"We're the Harvard of Christian colleges."
Not with your Division III athletics.
Also, Harvard is not walking around
bragging about being the Wheaton of libtards and sinners, so...
People were like, "Wow.
"Going to Christian college was really difficult, huh, Hank,
"because you're [WHISPERS] gay?"
Not for me, it wasn't.
I was just walking around being fabulous.
They were traumatized.
I'm good. [CHUCKLES]
I wasn't a good classmate.
I provoked them all the time,
because it was so boring going there.
We were in the middle of nowhere.
Like, you could just say the word "fuck"
and they would just pass out. They would just...
It was like having a superpower.
By the way, I have also never met a group of people
more obsessed with sex than these people.
And I know actual pornstars in Los Angeles.
People whose jobs are fucking, okay?
Who's doing it, who wants to do it,
who's only doing it with themselves,
who's praying about doing it.
Like, who's doing it with just their mouth and their butt
so it doesn't count.
Who's getting married ASAP,
even though they're only 19 years old,
so they can move into on-campus married housing,
and finally they get to do it under the Holy Spirit.
Like, I'm in my thirties.
You understand?
I have classmates with kids who are in high school.
Full adults who drive...
and talk back...
and spend their parents' money.
Like, thank God I am gay.
He really did save me.
From children.
Because they are the real devils.
Now, Christian and Chinese culture have a lot of similarities.
They're both very image conscious.
My parents were obsessed with perfection.
I once brought home a "D" from middle school.
My dad told me I was the shame of our entire dynasty.
I was like, "The entire dynasty?"
Like, millions of people all the way back to the beginning,
when we first invented paper and discovered tea leaves?
The entire dynasty?
That's a lot of people, right?
You're being dramatic.
You're talking about our family of four.
You, me, mom and...
Oh, no. You meant the whole dynasty.
They didn't even have Ds back then.
Come on! That's not fair.
Like, my math is pretty decent.
That seems like a numerical improbability, if you ask me.
What about great, great, great, great, great, great, great Aunty Xania,
who, even though he father was a respected top Confucian scholar
with a full head of hair, grew up to be a total concubine
who could not even. What about her?
Is she not the shame of the entire dynasty? No.
What about great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great Uncle Khan?
Genghis Khan.
World famous rapist.
The reason why all Asians look alike.
What about him?
No? But I'm the shame of the entire dynasty. That's me.
What about Uncle Mike and his DUIs, huh?
Uncle Mike needs a breathalyzer just to start his fucking car.
Yeah. But my "D" took down a section of the Great Wall.
Yeah, well, I learned my lesson,
and now I've been bringing home a different type of "D".
Hey, oh!
We'll see how long it takes before I can start doing that again.
Uh... [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
That has the most sympathy. I love it.
It was like, "Oh, poor baby!
"He can't fuck. Oh!"
It was my pelvis. It's so fractured, guys.
It looked awful in the X-rays. It's fine.
I'm so glad to be here with you.
- [SIGHS] Thank you. - [ALL CLAPPING]
When I was growing up,
there were so few Asians on TV,
every time my dad saw one,
he'd be like, "Oh, Asian!
"Okay, oh..."
Just wave everybody into the living room.
We'd all come running.
We're trying to stuff a tape into the VCR to hit "record" in time.
We're like, "What are we watching?" "I don't know."
"Where's the TV guide?" "I throw away."
It was CBS Evening News with Dan Rather and Connie Chung.
We watched it until she got fired.
But with Monday nights at nine o'clock on Fox,
we had Lucy Liu on Ally McBeal.
Love that show.
Love Lucy.
And she was literally on Ally McBeal.
Do you guys remember the lesbian episode?
Do you guys remember when lesbians were very controversial
[SNICKERS] on television?
Yes, so it was sweeps week,
and for those of your guys that remember television, like the 90s and the aughts,
like, sweeps week was just a big ratings grab.
So everyone was just trying to do something big.
And Ally and Lucy
just had a little fling for one episode,
and I remember them just making out.
And we're on the couch, the whole family.
Like, my sister must have been, like, six years old,
and we're watching an episode called Buried Pleasures.
That title alone is a sign of the times, okay?
And for those of you that wanna argue nature vs. nurture,
my sister is super straight now.
She's married, she's got a kid.
So, you know, after that show though, I had higher hopes.
My mother is also still straight.
A Christian Republican voter
watching Lucy Liu swap spit with another woman,
just staring at the TV.
And, oh, if you remember that episode,
it also took forever.
It was very awkward for me,
but she was just watching and watching and just...
[INHALES] "Okay, you know, this is good show.
"This is a high-quality show. This is..."
I was like, "I think my mom just came out."
She had the weirdest analogies.
She'd be like, "Okay, normal show is like cheese pizza.
"This show is like supreme."
Okay.
"This show high-class. This show high-class."
With my parents, everything was about class, right?
So, like, I loved Steve Urkel.
[IMITATING STEVE] "Did I do that?"
Low-class. Mm.
Now, anything Asian on television was high-class.
So drug dealer, prostitute, gangbanger. High-class.
If Steve Urkel had been Asian, he would've been high-class.
Probably still disowned, but high-class, all right?
I'll tell you what wasn't high-class.
I hate to say it.
Live-action Mulan.
Oh, live-action Mulan,
you disappointed us.
And they tried to charge us $30 for that.
Do you remember that at the beginning of the pandemic?
They tried to make us pay for it. Are you crazy?
I am on unemployment.
The most Asian thing I did to support that film
was save my money.
I bootlegged it, like a real Asian.
Wasn't even worth all the viruses I got on my computer.
Those things signed into my Google Home.
My garage door kept going up and down.
The thermometer in our house kept going from
freezing polar vortex to the Seventh Circle of Hell.
It fucked my boyfriend.
I know some of y'all thought I was single. Fuck you.
Live-action Mulanstarred
a beautiful communist.
I don't even know her name, you know?
Like, I just call her Chinese Barbie.
Chinese concentration camp Barbie.
Because China's running concentration camps Hitler style right now.
I'm the one that has to talk about this, okay?
Like that's where they shot part of the movie. Isn't that crazy?
So, here's the dish.
China's President, Xi Jinping,
he's trying to "re-educate"
a bunch of ethnic minorities called the Uyghurs,
and he's locking them up and anyone who talks about them.
So I can't go back now.
I love China. You should all go back.
If you're not Asian, if you're white, Black,
they will not mess with you. Go back.
But I cannot go back and sit down
for a dinner of white rice and chicken feet
and wake up the next day at a conveyor belt
next to a seven-year-old sorting iPhone batteries.
That's not my future.
This dude is so crazy, Vladimir Putin inspires him.
Hopefully not to take off his shirt while riding a horse.
Putin does that.
Xi Jinping would be as terrifying as Putin
if it weren't for the fact that he looks so much like Winnie the Pooh.
[LAUGHS]
What's hilarious is Xi JingPooh...
Xi JingPooh hates Winnie the Pooh so much that
Mr. The Pooh is banned from all of China.
Which is super weird to me, because he's also yellow, right?
Like, self-hate? What's going on?
You see yourself in him, or whatever.
Um, but everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood, banned.
Right? Like you can't tweet about them on their Twitter,
which is called Weibo.
So there's no Christopher Robin,
and all of his unstructured free time.
Like, "Why aren't you working in a sweatshop? You're clearly old enough."
There's no Eeyore. Depression doesn't exist in China.
Toughen up and be happy, bitch.
No Piglet, right?
Little pink-striped faggot.
Just everyone's banned.
Xi JingPooh, he's just like in his palace.
This is one of the most powerful people in the world.
President of one of the largest countries in the world,
just sitting at home in his palace,
on his phone, constantly refreshing Weibo,
terrified that these little cartoon characters
are sitting around eating honey and blowing each other.
Total threat to Chinese National Security.
It's weird.
It's weird to be related to a group of people
whose government is running concentration camps.
And Xi Jinping, you know,
he is an overachieving Chinese motherfucker
who was definitely beaten as a child.
Overachiever. He's like,
"Hitler killed six million. We're gonna kill two times.
"We're gonna kill 30."
Calm the fuck down, sir, with your counterfeit Holocaust 2.0, all right?
Like, he's trying so hard to be the new Nazi Germany.
Dude, it's adorable.
You're like such a copycat.
This country knocks off everything!
I don't give a crap what China thinks about me.
They already hate me because I'm gay, you know?
They were already mad. Which is weird.
Like, don't be mad at me for being gay.
Be mad at me because I talk at the movies.
'Cause that's annoying.
But I'm... I'm not worried.
I'm a good Asian. I know I'm a good Asian,
because I speak Chinese Mandarin fluently. Hey...
Thank you.
Gotta hold on to the culture.
But apparently, there's just like an aura about me
that makes people think "stupid one language."
Like, they look at me, they don't assume that.
But I have to go into Chinese restaurants
and I pretty much have to order off the menu within 20 seconds.
Otherwise, I start to get racially profiled by the servers.
They're just like [SPEAKING CHINESE MANDARIN]
And I'm like, "Oh. [SPEAKING CHINESE MANDARIN]
"Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait," you know?
"Like, you do know that if we go outside,
"they're gonna think we're all Jackie Chan, right?
"I'm just like you, okay?
"I'm not translucent, okay?
"I understand every dot, every slash."
[SIGHS]
I was saying this to my friend, Tricia. White girl, clearly.
Tricia in Latin means white lady.
Uh, so...
And Tricia, she was saying to me,
she was like, "Wow, Hank, they don't think you're authentic.
"You're like the Panda Express of Chinese people."
Bitch.
I'm the P.F. Chang's of Chinese people!
Do you understand me, bitch?
Fast casual. Fast casual.
Bitch.
Do I look like I'm to-go, bitch?
I am to stay. I'm sitting down, I'm in a booth.
You're bringing me a menu.
Go get me refills, bitch. I want my water, bitch.
Stop Asian hate, Tricia.
[SIGHS]
Tricia and I are really good friends, I promise.
We're really good friends.
We actually went camping a little while ago.
I'll tell you about that later. But listen, I get it.
I used to wait tables in college.
And that is also where I realized that
I was too white for the Asians,
and too Asian for the whites, okay?
I worked at a restaurant...
in Illinois that was so awful,
that will remain nameless, called Macaroni Grill!
I hate this place so much!
Just the one in Danada, Illinois.
Everything else is fine.
Italian restaurant. My manager,
this asshole, Roger, with the pockmarks.
He was always saying stupid shit to me, like...
He was like, "Hank, when you bring out the bread,
"and the olive oil, don't also bring out
"shaved parmesan cheese, because it's not authentically Italian."
Authentically Italian?
Roger, you hired me.
So the next table, table 55, party of four.
This is how trauma bonded I am to this place.
Still remember it. It was like yesterday.
[SIGHS] I go up to party of four.
And, in their defense, they were so old, right?
There was like four old, adorable little white people.
And the lady closest to me... I mean, they looked like little shriveled up mushrooms.
Just like those shriveled up mushrooms. [EXCITED VOCALIZATION]
They were so cute!
Oh, I was so mad at them. They were so cute!
But this little lady was like,
"Oh, my God, young man,
"please sing us a song in your native language."
You mean English?
She said, "No, no! Your native language."
Listen to me. My name is Hank, okay?
That's how I introduced myself.
Welcome to Macaroni Grill. My name is Hank. Okay?
I did not introduce myself as Ling-Ling, or Patuk.
Because that would have been understandable.
What were they expecting?
[CHINESE ACCENT] Hello! Welcome to Macaroni Grill.
Authentic Italian dining experience.
My name is Wong Fu.
Tonight, I be your food server,
drycleaner, shoeshiner,
math tutor, and a Chinese railroad worker.
What? Oh, tonight,
our chef's special is linglini with a white clam sauce...
with Chihuahua baby back ribs.
Woof, woof.
They are so fresh.
This morning shipment just [IMITATING BARKING CHIHUAHUAS]
You pick yours right now.
What?
Song in my native language?
Greatest honor of my entire dynasty.
[COUNTING DOWN IN CHINESE]
♪ Everybody Kung Fu fighting ♪
[IMITATING DRUMS]
Gong.
Hi-ya.
That's how I lost my job at Macaroni Grill.
After Wheaton, I moved to New York.
I started my career with an episode
on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Dun dun.
Thank you.
It was the Debra Messing episode. They run it all the time.
Thank you, residuals. [EXCLAIMS]
And since then, I still book jobs
on all of these dramatic police procedurals.
My friends are like, "How is this happening?" right.
Like, "You're comedy, right?"
Okay, so here's the trick.
So you gotta find the comedy in the drama,
and you gotta find the drama in the comedy.
So actors, listen up, okay? 'Cause casting directors of all these murder shows,
they sit through rape, pillage and plunder all day.
I remember once being in the waiting room,
and through the walls, you could just hear the wailing.
Like, "Oh, my God, my baby!
"Please, you're hurting me!"
"Shut up, bitch."
I was looking at this poor assistant.
I'm like, "Is it like this every day?"
She's, like, trying to do her job.
Take phone calls and make lunch orders,
and she was like, "Yeah.
"And they don't even pay for my therapy."
So, you gotta lighten it up, you know?
So that's why when you see me on these shows,
I'm always like, "Listen, officer.
"I don't know why this bitch is dead, but she deserved it."
You know, I'm like doing laundry and shit. You know what I mean?
So you gotta find the comedy in the drama.
You gotta find the drama in the comedy.
Now, the best job I ever did was a comedy.
I did a movie with Tyra Banks called Life-Size 2.
It was the sequel to the original film that starred Lindsay Lohan.
And Tyra's cool as hell, by the way. She's cool as hell.
They made all of us go to sexual harassment training.
So Tyra, myself, the director, the producers, all of us,
which actually made me really uncomfortable.
I didn't want to bring it up, but if
Tyra Banks was not allowed to sexually harass me,
how was I going to get my confidence? You know what I mean?
Where was I going to find my self-worth?
You know what I mean? Like...
I didn't want to bring it up, though, so, awkward.
Uh, Life-Size 2was great,
because I got to play a role that I don't normally get to play.
Uh, it was very exciting.
When I booked it, I was like,
"Oh, my God. I'm gonna win an award."
Like, "Get ready, give me the trophy rack."
It was the role of a lifetime.
It was the hardest role I ever had to do.
I had to dig down so deep to play...
gay best friend to the female lead.
And they wanted a full-time gay, not a part-time gay.
No, it was a blessing.
It was a blessing to be able to say lines like,
"Ooh, girl, what are you gonna do?"
Other award winners like, "Go for it, it's Christmas."
And then the line that the gay best friend says
in every Christmas movie to his female bestie.
We all know this, right? Let's say it together.
"Bitch, if you don't suck his dick, I will."
Heartwarming.
I love that.
A Walt Disney Company motion picture.
Parental discretion advised.
Hallmark started it.
It was exciting though.
You know, there was an Asian on television.
New thing.
My dad was at home watching me, like,
"Oh, Asian. Oh, oh, As..."
"Oh, Asian."
Click. [LAUGHS]
I'm just kidding. He didn't watch that movie.
And now nobody can, because Disney took it off Disney Plus.
Did you guys know that?
- [ALL BOOING] - Boo!
It's fine. We'll sign a petition.
So, it's on Australian Disney Plus.
If there's anybody here who knows any Australians,
have them text 200 of your friends.
Please ask them to play it in the background tonight,
you know, while they're washing dishes,
taking a shit, you know, shaving their pubes, whatever.
In 120 days,
I will get a check for 13 cents, so...
It'll be nice to have some parking meter money this year.
Disney's a start-up.
That's what I was told when they were negotiating my contract.
I believe they have a very bright future. Mmm.
Put it back on Disney Plus. [SNICKERS]
Giant companies, they're always taking advantage, aren't they?
First of all, I am sick and tired
of these multimillion, billion dollar companies taking advantage of us.
Grocery stores. What is with self-checkout?
Your credit card machines never work.
And then it's awkward. They're like, "Sir, come back.
"You have to pay for those.
"Get out of your car.
"We're calling the police," right?
Awkward. You did that to me!
Same with public transportation. I ride the metro in Los Angeles.
Well, I used to. We'll see what happens now.
But it's $1.75.
I ride it to Long Beach all the time.
And you get a free show usually when you're on the metro.
But what do they say at every single stop?
"If you see something, say something.
"If you see something, say something."
To who?
I'll tell you right now. If I see something,
I'm going to shut the fuck up and mind my own goddamn business.
That's what I'm gonna do.
If I see something,
I'm gonna get behind a child and a pregnant lady.
'Cause they'll be the least likely to be attacked.
If I see something,
I will take video of this unhoused creature
high on meth, swinging around a Lime scooter
while taking a dump in this white lady's purse.
You know, make that literal shit go viral.
You're welcome, Reddit.
I ain't saying nothing, all right?
So, anyways, I'm in New York,
and getting my career going was actually really difficult.
I was on food stamps for a couple of years.
And I lived alone, so I was really lonely,
so of course, the most fiscally responsible thing for me to do
when I could barely feed myself was to get a dog.
Like a fucking idiot.
[CHUCKLES]
But, you know, he was exactly what I needed.
Dogs, they love you unconditionally
as long as you feed them twice a day
and take them outside to take a shit.
He was the only man who accepted me
for exactly who I was and never expected me to put out...
because I had his balls cut off.
I picked him up from the 110th Street shelter in the Upper East Side.
And this shelter, they tried to get me killed.
This shelter tried to get me killed. Here's what they did.
This dog, he's a black Labrador.
Gorgeous, beautiful.
The name they gave him when I picked him up from the shelter...
was "Blacky."
I lived in Brooklyn at the time.
I said, "We will be changing his name...
"because I would like to stay alive."
How long do you think I would have stayed alive
screaming down Flatbush Avenue,
"Blacky!"
"Blacky." He got off his leash.
"Blacky!"
"Can somebody help me grab... Blacky!"
They run so fast.
I mean, imagine a black guy
staying in the corner of Chinatown
with a little shar-pei named "Chinky," you know?
You're gonna get some weird looks, too, right?
I had to have his name changed.
Also, why would you name a dog "Blacky"?
It didn't make sense to me.
Like, he's never been unlawfully detained by the police.
Or fucked over by the Democrats.
Blacky was renamed Eli,
which means "God," because even though I rescued him,
he saved me. I know it's so stupid. Shut up.
Aw. So stupid.
And Eli is dead.
Hope you did not get too attached to that Blacky story.
Sorry, sorry. He died of cancer a couple of years ago.
He was 12 years old. It was devastating.
It was very, very hard.
He was part of my life for a very long time.
And the thing about him is,
I'm a cheap bastard through and through.
I paid $85 for him at the shelter.
But by the end of his life,
I dropped $15,000 for his chemotherapy treatments.
And I would do it all over again.
I figured I could always make more money,
but that's time with him that I would never get back.
And I have no regrets.
But during one of the many times I swiped my credit card
for $2500
and I was reflecting on all of the times we spent together,
and how much we mean to each other,
I couldn't help but wonder,
"How much would it cost to put him down instead?" Right?
Like, can we honor him they way that my ancestors would have?
Which is in a bowl of soup.
With what? Green onions,
shiitake mushrooms that look like little old white people.
Oh, are we lonely?
Hey, let's throw in a sirloin, a friend.
Moo.
You guys can take it.
By the end of Eli's life,
the cancer had really taken a toll on him.
You know, he had lost all of this weight.
Um, you could just see the ribcage just jutting out of his sides.
Uh, he was so skinny.
Um, his cheekbones looked amazing.
His jawline was so well-defined.
Any angle the light hit his face,
you just could not take a bad selfie with this dog.
You're just like "pow, pow!" Like, you're just jealous, right?
I held him in my arms as the vet put him down.
And it occurred to me, the reason why
it's so difficult to say goodbye to your animal
is because they're so pure.
They leave this world without any baggage.
It's not like humans.
You know, Eli and I never needed to have that deathbed conversation
where he was like,
"Dad, I'm sorry about the time I took a shit in your bed."
And I'm like, "No, buddy. It's my fault.
"You were in front of that door for half the day.
"Have a great journey without me.
"I'm gonna miss you.
"I love you. Here, I packed you some treats."
Now, me and my own father, whole another story!
"Dad, I wish you hugged me more!"
"I hugging you ten times more than my daddy hugging me!"
"Yeah? And you really ramped it up.
"In eleventh grade,
"when Pastor Wong told you he thought I was effeminate
"and you should give me more male affection at home,
"otherwise I would start looking for it elsewhere.
"Well, guess what?
"I am full gay now, so look who failed?
"Cut me out of the will. See if I care.
"Sorry I took a shit on your bed."
My father's still alive, so there's still time, you know...
for me to get back in the will.
I remember after Eli was put down,
I went home. It was 2:00 in the afternoon.
I just passed out.
I was asleep for probably more than a day.
I woke up, I looked in the mirror.
My eyes were swollen, my skin was grey,
my cheekbones looked amazing.
My jawline was so well-defined,
like any angle the light hit my face,
you just could not take a bad selfie with me.
[LAUGHS] I looked gorgeous.
Depression. Nature's contour.
Pastor Wong was probably right.
I wasn't hugged enough as a child, and that's exactly why I'm gay.
It makes total sense.
Uh, and Lucy Liu, you know?
Coming out saved my life.
When I came out, I was living in New York, and I loved all of it.
The boys, the parties, the pride.
Like, if you're excited for Pride Month, I'm excited for you.
It's gonna be great.
And I'm excited for you, but I cannot do it anymore, all right?
Proud Boys,
I am with you. We're protesting.
I will be protesting right alongside the right-wing militia, okay?
Gay means happy. Do I look happy to you?
And trust me, I won't be missed at that mean girl parade.
They don't want me there.
Gentlemen, finish your pomegranate margarita,
wash the glitter and semen out of your hair,
put your clothes back on and go back home to your wife and your kids!
You have church on Sunday.
You're a youth pastor. Your congregation needs you.
Yes, call me later. Yes.
I'm gonna miss you, too. Stop it.
Okay, don't make this any harder than it needs to be.
Go back home to your family!
Coming out was so chaotic.
Uh, actually wrestling with my sexuality for many years,
I finally came out because I fell in love with this
gorgeous, tall, dark Italian
who was just not into me like that,
so I thought I'll do it for him, you know?
So many red flags.
For one, he kept telling me he was bisexual
and planning to eventually marry a woman,
uh, usually while I was inside of him.
Talk about your buried pleasures.
Also, he was a model and actor.
Historically, not the most stable of folk.
And in Italian, his last name meant "the face,"
which he loved that about himself, you know?
His last name really should have been
"Crack cocaine laced with Fentanyl"
because I was addicted to him and he was bad for me.
You know, not a bad guy, but just bad for me.
And with the chaos of the relationships
between the Italian and my current boyfriend,
today, I started going to therapy,
Twelve-step meetings, talking to myself in public.
And you guys need to know that not everyone who does that is a looney toon, okay?
Like, some of us are just self-soothing.
Some of us are out of work actors trying to learn lines.
Or we're preparing for a stand-up special.
What I'm trying to say is this past month,
I have been all three. That's why I talk to myself.
Leave me alone. Okay?
I learned that I was a co-dependent.
If you don't know what that is, they way that I like to explain it
is that my addiction is to addicts.
So, if you're an alcoholic, or workaholic, or sexaholic,
come to Hanky.
I will heal you with my love.
Or cum on Hanky.
Up to you. I'm a co-dependent.
Because I was conditioned to be a submissive Chinaman,
and a righteous Christian trying to save everyone,
you know, if I saw something, I just had to say something.
Instead of minding my own business,
I got into bad relationships.
And this is not easy to talk about, but I got hit.
And, you know, ladies, it's not a competition,
but when gay men hit, it is way worse,
because gay men wear jewelry.
Now, before my current boyfriend, one of these guys that I dated,
uh, you know, he hit me.
And if we can learn something from him,
it's that if you're going to smack somebody, don't smack 'em too hard,
because you just might smack some sense into them
and they will leave your ass like I did.
[ALL CHEERING]
We didn't even have a safe word. [CHUCKLES]
You know, my safe word was "police".
And "jail".
Let's try "Los Angeles City Attorney's Office".
How about that?
Hit me again if you wanna go downtown
in handcuffs and have another hearing, okay?
But jokes aside, this is the PSA portion of my set,
where I tell you that
if you are in an abusive relationship, get out.
You're worth more. You deserve better, okay?
I learned that it doesn't get better.
You get better.
Nobody can give or take anything away from you.
Love, self-respect, self-esteem.
You have to give it to yourself.
Now, it doesn't explain the gonorrhea,
but, you know, cheating bastard.
Shot in the ass took care of that.
It's easy to get addicted.
Uh, and when you're gay, we get addicted to each other,
the drama, the escape,
to finally being seen after living in the shadows for so long.
One addict who really went off the rails. Uh, Kevin Spacey.
What an idiot, okay?
Power whore, attention whore,
who, funny enough, was also a closet case.
Like, dude, didn't you have secrets, right?
Like, he was really putting it all out there. Kevin Spacey.
Like, he finally came out because he was facing rape allegations.
Great timing dude.
The gay community thanks you.
Like, what the fuck were...
You know, fortunately for him, in some parts of this country,
being gay is worse than being a rapist.
Like Alabama.
And the states surrounding Alabama, you know?
And I mention him because, here's the thing,
I was up for a role on House of Cards.
Uh, I met Kevin Spacey several times.
That show was high-class.
Netflix did the right thing by firing his ass.
And my friends were like, "Whoa, Hank,
"you really dodged a bullet there."
And I'm like, "No.
"He doesn't want me."
No, I'm Asian, I'm effeminate.
I look like I'm older than 14.
Hire me. Hire me, pay me.
Because if you want me to shut the fuck up
about the number of times you grabbed white boy Brian's balls,
it's going to cost you.
And if he gets handsy, go ahead.
Come at me if you want to, you balding bitch,
because I would love to sue you.
Every time I get sexually harassed,
it's always by someone with a regular job and student loans.
Right, like, what's that loser going to give me, his mom's car?
I don't want her Subaru. Keep that.
It's... Thank you.
It's never the guy with the money, ladies.
It's always the weirdo with the bad credit and the gun to my head.
Come on!
Somebody rich attack me. Please.
And no gay millionaire ever wanted this.
Like do you see any lip injections? No.
Like who's showing off the bottoms of their feet
on Instagram for likes?
Not me, all right?
Clothes stay on.
Ain't nobody asked for that, ain't nobody wanna see that.
I am no Instagram THOT.
Spelled T-H-O-T.
Stands for "That Hoe Over There."
The only nudity you're ever gonna catch on my account
is from my new dog, Ted.
He hates wearing clothes.
I buy him alpaca sweaters all the time
and he... It's a waste of money.
Waste of money. Pisses me off.
Ugh. Ted is so smart,
we have existential conversations all the time.
He watched Everything Everywhere All at Once...
and he understood all of it the first time.
[CHUCKLES]
And he loves hotdog fingers.
I've been doing a lot of inner work on myself,
because I know what I am susceptible to.
You know, I'm in therapy, I'm on medication,
I blame my parents.
The more I work on myself, the better my childhood gets.
My parents still aren't cool with me being gay,
but my sister is, you know? She won't admit it,
because she's still a Christian, but she is.
She was the first family member that I came out to.
Her high school friends pretty much bullied me out of the closet through her.
I was living in New York.
I was home for the holidays, she was still in high school.
And, one night in bed,
we were watching TV on my laptop,
and between episodes she was like,
"All my friends think you're gay.
"I mean, they don't care, you know?"
"Becca has..." Her best friend.
"Becca has a gay uncle and we all think he's cool."
And I'm, like, thinking,
"Okay, but is he hot? Can I have his number?"
Who gives a fuck? What?
So I tested the waters. I brought up
the drama that I was having with the Italian,
and I was careful to mask the pronouns.
I was saying "this person" and "they,"
rather than "he" and "him."
I'm six and a half years older than my sister,
and she's had to rely on me a lot as a little sister.
But in the gay romance department,
they just have you beat, you know?
So, I broke down the drama,
and she listened, she gave me sound advice.
She was also careful to dance around the pronouns.
And then I said,
"By the way, this is a guy."
She paused for a second.
And then completely unfazed, she was like, "Oh, okay."
I was like, "You're not surprised?"
She said, "No.
"When I was three, you gave me cornrows."
Little braids. I did.
I'm a guncle, that's gay uncle,
to my cousins' beautiful kids.
Uh, I was watching them once when they were three years old and nine months.
But after spending a day with them,
you know, I thought to myself,
"Oh, these children, my God.
"You know what? If I had a uterus,
"I would cut it out to make sure I can never have kids!"
I would put it in a blender,
I would turn it into a smoothie,
I would drink it. I heard it's good for your skin.
I was at a show once telling that,
and this lady was like, "That's not the right part."
I was like, "What was it?" She was like,
"It's supposed to be your placenta."
I was like, "Isn't that still cannibalism?"
It's still gross either way.
Just stating facts, you know what I mean?
Parents, if you're in the audience, God bless you.
God bless you, 'cause I could not do it.
Babysitting made me come to the realization that 95% of successful parenting
is suicide prevention,
because all they try to do is kill themselves!
That's all they do.
They're running up and down cement steps.
Trying to lean into the mall fountain, trying to pull out quarters.
I said, "Little girl, the shit in your diaper weighs more than you.
"You will go straight to the bottom."
I tried to give them a bath, they tried to drown themselves.
Now, I have two naked babies rolling around on this bed.
You're trying to put clothes on one,
and then I have to pinball the other one.
Oh, shit. Can't do that with that leg.
I had pinballed the other one...
away from the ledge.
You pull a goddamn groin muscle babysitting these little shits.
Oh, and then Elijah, the little one, right,
he's just so slippery when wet.
He's always trying to leap out of your arms,
just trying to leap, just trying to jump
head first into the goddamn linoleum floor.
Just leap, just oh, my...
Humpty Dumpty eggshell head
into the fucking floor. Oh, my God!
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
I told my cousin Stephanie honestly truly,
"It is a wonder why more children don't die every single day,
"because they try so goddamn hard."
Oh, and the lies, the lies.
The psychopathic narcissistic liars
that could give my exes a run for their money.
Don't tell me you didn't try to eat that rock.
I just saw you!
Trying to gaslight me, you little lying shit?
Cannot wait for them to grow up,
so I can support them as adults, okay?
I will be there for my niece when she needs me,
asking all the right questions, like, "Ooh, girl, what you gonna do?"
"Go for it, it's Christmas."
These kids are so cute.
They're so cute. I don't plan on having any of my own.
Surprise. You know what I mean?
Because I value sleep,
a disposable income, no undereye bags.
My life is very full.
I've been with my boyfriend for over four years now.
- [ALL CHEERING] - Thank you.
And you know what? Thank you. We do deserve that applause,
because gay men, we are hoes with ADHD, so...
Four years is a gay golden anniversary. [CHUCKLES]
Our energy levels, we're so different
that when we walk into a room together,
people think he's autistic.
But we get along, because he's so different.
He's white, he's 6'4",
he's mentally stable, he's emotionally secure.
I do this.
He is a media archivist.
Fancy word for librarian.
It's a job that makes you smarter, right?
I tell dick jokes in bars and laundromats.
He has a Masters Degree in library science.
I have to scream over hardcore gay porn,
Kesha music videos,
and the betting plus spin cycle.
I'm talking alpaca wool and pots and pans.
There was something very special about him from the very beginning.
On our second date, he showed up with this mustache that he didn't have before.
And I was like, "Oh, Scruffy, where did this come from?"
And he said, "Well, you told me you liked guys with facial hair."
- ALL: Aww. - He's sweet, right?
He looked like Hitler, but he did it for me.
He's my Hitler, you know?
"Heil," you know what I mean?
He invaded my heart. [CHUCKLES]
That's an occupation I can get behind, you know?
We had our own Battle of the Bulge.
He met me when I drove a car.
Then my car got stolen in front of his apartment,
and the insurance check was miniscule.
I was like, "What am I gonna do, buy a third of a car?"
So I got a motorcycle.
I just figured life was too short. I wasn't getting any younger.
My boyfriend wasn't too excited about the idea,
but he did say something to me that was so romantic.
He said, "Honey,
"I am not gonna stay with a vegetable."
And I said, "Babe, if it's my time to go, it's my time to go."
And we're still together. [CHUCKLES]
We've been discussing marriage.
He wants a wedding, which is unfortunate,
because I will not be there. I'll marry him, okay.
I will sign the damn thing, but I ain't going to no wedding.
No, no. Because it's work, all right?
We've all been to weddings.
How much work is it to get dressed up,
to look like you care?
It's a lot of work to do all of that.
I was at a wedding before the pandemic
where the DJ was literally yelling at us.
And I mean yelling at us.
He was like, "Jump up and down."
Like, "Raise the roof."
He said, "Lift the bride and groom up
"in these heavy ass oak chairs."
You been to those weddings?
He's 250!
Do I look like I have any upper body strength?
You can go fuck yourselves.
Congratulations to the heavy...
I'm sorry, the happy bride and groom.
I will make two exceptions, though.
I will go to your wedding if, one,
I think you're gonna last at least ten years.
Because don't waste my time.
And two,
I will go to your wedding if it's a gay wedding,
because yay equality, right?
Yay.
Yay equality.
I've worked too hard, we've marched too long
for me to not have the privilege of watching you ruin your life.
That fag wedding better have ice sculptures, a ranch dressing fountain.
I better see sparklers and bottle rockets
shoot out of the asses of the fathers of the grooms.
I want a Dolly Parton drag queen leading the Macarena.
Like, you throw me a party, you understand?
And they put you through that "how we met" slideshow.
Ugh! Those things take forever.
You know what I'm talking about? The how we met slideshow.
And the worst ones, they start young.
They start so young. Like, you know how awful this slideshow is gonna be
just based off of the first photograph.
Like the younger that thing is gonna be... Oh, my God.
And boy, did we luck out.
Boy, did we luck out on this one,
because the first photograph, poof!
An ultrasound.
Twenty-foot fetus on the big screen.
That's exactly what I wanna look at
right before I dig into my jumbo shrimp.
Right? How romantic.
And then it starts, right? Okay.
♪ There are places I'll remember
Oh, look, he's breastfeeding.
♪ All my life
♪ Though some have changed
She's taking a shit in the bathtub.
♪ Some forever, not for better
Is he eating a goldfish?
♪ Some have gone And some remain ♪
Oh, and those were all photographs of them as teenagers.
Weird.
And then they meet, and then it's 50 photos of them
making out in different countries.
Which is disgusting, okay?
And then, to make this torture worse...
they were ugly. Oh, my God.
They were just not good-looking.
They're just making out.
Just oh, no.
I'll tell you right now,
even if they had been ten times hotter than Tyra Banks...
Not possible.
Ten times hotter than Tyra Banks,
this would have been barely tolerable.
And the worst part of this?
Dry Christian wedding. No alcohol!
I had to sit through the Guantanamo Bay
of how we met slideshows with a Pellegrino.
They did have espresso.
I don't wanna be awake. I want to die.
Do not ask me to give a toast, because I will just...
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, Christians,
but like... I'm just kidding. There's no Christians watching this.
But I'm pretty sure the last time I read a Bible...
[SCOFFS] Whatever.
The last time a Bible was thrown at me by an anti-gay protestor,
I'm pretty sure, as I was peeling
one of those tissue-thin pages off of my face...
Okay?
...and I was looking at myself in the mirror, longingly,
and I was reading the text that had been imprinted into my skin...
That's what happens when you moisturize.
I am pretty sure
that Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding.
So, if you truly believe that
he is the son of God who came from heaven to earth
to save you from our sins and the Father,
the Son, the Holy Spirit of the Trinity, three-in-one,
[GASPS] then you will follow the word
and you will get me shitfaced
by the time I pull my dick out for the Macarena!
Ooh! That was a lot of pull work there.
[STRAINING] A little more than usual for even me.
Okay, all right.
Like I said, I'm not supposed to be here.
Which makes me grateful that I am here.
Because on any given day,
I encounter a million things that try to take me out.
Last week, it was a car.
Most other days, it's myself.
But every day so far, I've gotten lucky,
and that is how I've survived.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Thank you.
You guys remember my friend Tricia?
ALL: Yeah.
So, a few years ago, she and I went camping
right before the entire part of California was engulfed in forest fires.
And it's as if the woods weren't gay enough, because I was there,
they literally went up in flames a week later.
During the trip, I was talking to
one of the guys in her group. We had never met before,
but he had some mixed Asian influence in there,
and I love connecting with other Asian guys.
I was like, "Oh, what are you?"
And he said, "I'm half German and I'm half Chinese."
And I got excited, because I'm Chinese.
And my friend Tricia, before I could say anything,
she goes, "Oh. Uh, wow, you don't look Chinese at all."
And he said, "Thank you so much."
I was right here!
He was so grateful he didn't look Chinese.
Like wha...
Sure sucks for us Asians who aren't blessed with white camouflage, right?
Why don't you take your Cloak of Invisibility
to the next insurrection you fucking mutt. Like, what?
Thank God I had just been sexually harassed that morning,
so my confidence was sky-high.
You call me Elphaba, because in that moment,
nothing that is or was was ever gonna bring me down, baby.
That was for my theater geeks.
I wanna say thank you again for being here,
and supporting me and supporting live comedy.
This means so much to me, to our community.
There just was no way that I wasn't going to be here,
even if I was gonna lie down on a stretcher.
Right now, I don't walk, but I still talk.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH]
I know some of you came here not knowing who I am,
but I am glad that we were able to have this moment.
[MOUTHING]
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing part of your evening with me.
You know, it took me a long time to reparent myself,
to be okay with my flaws,
to find the comedy in the drama.
And here I am.
Just your average gay non-doctor.
You know?
Sorry to disappoint you.
But also, go fuck yourself.
I don't know what's in store for me in the journey that lies ahead.
Hopefully, it involves walking.
But I'll tell you one thing.
I will never be an Instagram THOT.
Because I no longer need a gym membership.
Instagram THOTs, I know you're in here.
Knock it off, all right? Listen to me.
Your whore photos have nothing to do with equal rights.
It's low-class.
Guys and girls, you both do this.
You get naked, okay, you put on your thong.
This act, by the way, before the injury was going to be amazing, so...
You get into this ridiculous pose
with your Winnie the Pooh ass.
[GRUNTING, STRAINING]
And then,
underneath is an inspirational quote.
"Hang in there.
"The best is yet to come."
It's inappropriate!
What about this position?
Okay, just everything flapping out.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Just everything flapping.
Oh, and then, underneath, you're gonna have a quote from Maya Angelou?
"I know why the caged bird sings."
Bitch, no, you don't.
Put your bird back in your cage.
Everybody, please,
for the sake of the United Nations,
I need you to report these people
everything, everywhere, all at once.
If you see something, say something.
Thank you very much, everybody.
Have a great rest of the night.
[ALL CHEERING]
[UPBEAT SONG PLAYING]
[ALL CHANTING] Hank! Hank! Hank!
Hank! Hank! Hank!
[ALL CHEERING]
[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING]