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["Birdhouse In Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants playing]
- ♪ But I'm a little glowing friend ♪ - [audience cheering]
♪ But really I'm not actually your friend ♪
[song fades out]
- [song resumes] - [audience continues cheering]
♪ Blue canary in the outlet By the light switch ♪
♪ Who watches over you? ♪
♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪
♪ Not to put too fine a point on it... ♪
- Hey! - [audience cheering and applauding]
[Hannah laughs]
Thank you.
[cheering and applause fade]
I got married.
[audience cheers]
I know, I know.
It's nice.
I like it, I like it.
That's what this show's going to be about.
I know. It's going to be a romantic comedy.
Yeah.
Yucky! [chuckles] Blech.
No, but it's true, this is going to be a feel-good show.
- Yes! - [audience cheering]
Yes, it's going to be a feel-good show,
because I believe I owe you one.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Yeah.
I have dragged you through a bit of my shit over the years,
and you've stuck with me. Much obliged!
But it's time for some payoff.
So that's what this is going to be, a bit of ta-da. Right?
Just for an hour or so, we're gonna feel good, right?
I'm gonna make you, a roomful of relative strangers,
feel good together, right?
My hands where you can see them.
Yeah? Eh? Little lesbian joke just sprinkled in there.
Off to a good start, I'd say.
Off to a good start.
Before I do kick off,
I do want to acknowledge that the world is ending.
I don't want you to think I'm oblivious. I'm not. I've clocked it.
We're done. We're cooked.
We're cooked. But the thing is, I don't think I can solve it.
Not tonight. Not...
Not in the time allocated.
So, I'm just gonna ignore it,
and, just for the next hour, we're gonna feel good together,
and then we can head back out there
and be the mass extinction event that we are.
Are you ready for that? All right.
[audience cheering and applauding]
There we go.
Jenney is my spouse-lady's name. Yeah.
- You clap a fact. You clap a fact. - [audience applauding]
[Hannah chuckles]
I... I call her Jenno,
because, you know, g'day. Uh...
She thinks it's cute, so that's great.
That's a solid result for no effort. You gotta be happy with that.
I tell you what, it was a very steep learning curve
for the pair of us to organize a betrothal.
Uh, fuck me, straight people have a lot of feelings.
They've got a lot of feelings about weddings. I didn't know.
It's a thing.
I suppose, because I have been not invited for so long,
I... I didn't know it was a special occasion.
Who knew? Straight people.
We made a lot of mistakes though, apparently.
Um, we had a shark cake, for one.
[audience laughing]
Yep. Our wedding cake was a novelty cake.
Yep. It just had a big, fuck-off shark's head
coming out the top. Just... [growls]
It was a great white. Thank you for asking.
Um...
It had two killer side-eye happening, two rows of teeth,
because facts.
Just coming out of the top of the cake. [growls] "Shark cake."
We had the little figurines you're supposed to have on a wedding cake.
What are they called? Hood ornaments? I'm not sure. I don't care.
Most people have a bride and groom, but we didn't, because facts.
We... we went with two otters...
holding hands.
I know.
In the shark's mouth.
- [audience laughing and applauding] - [growls]
People didn't like it.
They were thrown.
Like... [shrilly] "Why'd you have a shark cake, a silly, novelty cake?"
"I don't like it."
[in normal voice] That's not how they sound.
That's how I hear them, and that's an important distinction.
But we had a good reason for having a novelty cake.
Uh, the reason being we wanted to trick a Christian baker.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Yep, we wanted to trick a Christian baker into making a gay wedding cake, and...
it worked. It was like,
"Nah, mate, that's not a wedding cake. I'm turning ten."
[audience laughing]
Easy. So gullible.
Believe anything, Christians.
[audience laughing]
[Hannah chuckles]
[chuckles] No. So, he's going to hell. Uh, your...
We've all gotta do our bit to get through this gay agenda.
Um... sending Christian bakers to hell one at a time.
Very efficient activism, isn't it?
I didn't say who it's a feel-good show for.
I should have.
I'm feeling real good.
[sighs]
I suppose one of the reasons Jenno and I struggled to wedding correctly
is because neither of us had spent any of our life thinking about it,
like, planning our "special day." Apparently, you're supposed to.
As the... as the lady-born amongst us,
you're supposed to spend an inordinate amount of time fantasizing
about the color scheme and floral arrangement
of the day you're sold off. And I...
I'd just never given it a thought.
'Cause it was not an option for me for a long time.
You gotta remember I grew up in a time
when us gays weren't even allowed to adopt a fucking highway.
Right? Much less marry someone we wanted to touch.
So why would I waste my time?
Jenno is bisexual,
so technically, she could've half-thought about it.
[audience laughing]
But she didn't. Busy, too busy.
Classic bisexual. Am I right?
[audience laughing]
Eh? No.
No, I'm not right.
That's a nasty stereotype.
But I do like to brag that I married a bisexual woman.
Because it upsets a very particular kind of man
that I really enjoy upsetting.
Because this is a decision.
And you weren't.
Again, I didn't specify who this was a feel-good show for.
We loved our wedding, by the way. I should note that. We had a great time.
It was a very small ceremony at home. Just a spattering of friends and family.
Only my friends and family
because I'm the priority.
[scattered laughter]
That's a joke, and it's not my best work,
so well done, you, for giving that a lukewarm response.
You read the room. I appreciate that.
No, uh, the reason being is Jenno is American, right?
"What? Oh, no!" Diversity. You're welcome.
So it was pandemic-depending. Our borders closed,
so Jenno's family and friends couldn't come to our wedding,
which is sad.
But also, is it?
[audience laughing]
One of the things about wedding culture I don't understand
is the pressure on the proposal.
In that time between when you are engaged and when you get married, right,
in that little perineum of time, it's...
It is like that. It's a little perineum of time,
because it's... it's not the destination, but it's very exciting to be there.
In...
In that little perineum of time,
the only thing anybody ever wants to know is, "How did you propose?"
"How did you propose?"
I'm like, "Don't you wanna know her name?"
Like, "No. Who cares?"
Apparently, you're supposed to propose on a beach, or at sunset, or some shit.
All right, I'll give you sunset. Sunset's nice.
But the beach? Fuck off.
I hate the beach.
Like, I don't trust sand.
I don't. It's never where it says it's gonna be.
Guaranteed, six months after I've been to the beach,
I will find a pearl on my person.
[audience laughing]
That's another little perineum joke if you think about it, isn't it?
Yeah, a little diamond in the muff. He gets it.
[audience laughing]
Apparently, a proposal is supposed to be a big, romantic gesture.
Go big, or go home alone.
Right?
And I don't understand where the romance is supposed to live
in a proposal.
'Cause from what I can gather,
a proposal is, at best, reverse-engineered spontaneity.
At worst, it's an ambush.
[audience laughing]
Like, best-case scenario, at least the partners have a team meeting.
Right? They have a team meeting, they make a plan,
they propose a proposal, which is weird.
And then they make up a to-do list,
complete with props and a destination,
a beach, perhaps.
Then one of the partners sets to ticking off the to-do list
while the other partner sets to forgetting they were ever involved.
[audience laughing]
So when the proposal finally happens,
they're like, "Oh, my God! I'm so surprised."
"Look at that ring! Oh, my God, Oh, my God. Oh, my God!"
"I've never seen anything so beautiful!"
Fucking stop it.
Seriously. You chose that ring!
Stop gaslighting yourself.
It's embarrassing.
But that's the best-case scenario.
Because otherwise, there's no team meeting.
One of the partners just assumes they're a fucking catch.
[audience laughing]
The temerity! And...
It is my understanding, in the cis-hetero world,
it's the man one.
Now, that's a gross generalization, absolutely.
But it's also 100% true.
[audience laughing]
I did my own research.
Confirmed my own bias.
But it is the man one, which is fun.
Because who handles rejection the best?
[audience laughing]
Men who think they're a fucking catch.
So that's a recipe for a good time if ever I've heard one.
Say yes, we get married.
Say no, I stalk you. Romance!
It's a trap.
[audience laughing and applauding]
Thank you, thank you. Very kind.
It's like you're being coached.
I proposed to Jenno.
Um, it wasn't a given. I'm not the man one.
Um... [laughing]
We're in a genuinely queer relationship, right?
Which means when it comes to the division of labor,
we just divvy up the jobs according to actual skill sets
and whoever can be fucked. [chuckling] And...
And it works. It really does.
We always, almost, remember to put the bins out.
Every week, almost.
It's a great-- It's a great time.
It's a great time.
But I-- I did propose. We did have the team meeting.
We had a team meeting, we decided that, yes, we wanted some of that
sweet, sweet, sweet administrative privilege.
Then we just didn't do anything about it. We got busy. Classic.
Right. And then I ended up proposing.
And I didn't...
I didn't plan to.
I didn't wake up the morning of going, "Today's the day."
I pretty much ambushed both of us.
Right? I didn't have a speech. I didn't have a ring.
I didn't have a destination.
I did not get down on bended knee. Fuck that shit. I...
Why? I've had three knee reconstructions.
My patella are spongy.
It's actually quite painful for me to kneel.
That's why I can't sleep with men.
[audience laughing and applauding]
That's a... that's a joke.
And it doesn't even make sense.
There are other far more compelling reasons.
[laughs]
I actually proposed like this. I did this. [groans]
This is nice. Good stretch.
People ask me, "You've had three knee reconstructions."
"Are you an athlete?"
To which I go, "No, but are you a detective?"
[audience laughing]
"'Cause you're not very good."
[chuckles] "You must've played netball. That's bad for the knees."
"You must've played netball." Fuck off! I played... No, I did not.
Netball is for sluts.
[audience laughing]
I'm not gonna play netball.
I stand by that. Netball is for sluts.
To be clear, I have nothing against either netball or sluts.
I'm a big fan of both, if I'm honest.
[chuckles]
I just like saying it.
It's just got a good click to it, you know?
"Netball is for sluts."
It's cathartic. It's my mantra.
It... it got me through the pandemic.
It did.
It's like, "Oh, I can't work. Netball is for sluts! Come on!"
It was a good time. It was a good time.
I say it a lot. But the thing is, Jenno doesn't know what netball is.
And I won't tell her.
Because you gotta keep the mystery alive. You know what I mean?
Even if I did wanna explain netball to her,
how do you do that?
"It's like basketball,
but as soon as you get the ball, the floor is lava."
[audience laughing]
It's just a lot of people running around in bibs,
but nobody can dribble.
And I'm not gonna take her to a game. Absolutely not.
There is far too much of this.
All the time. Just...
- [mumbling humorously] - [audience laughing]
Jenno is Jewish.
[audience cheering]
I know!
[mouthing] I know.
That's... [grunts]
Actually, I should tell you why. I have a lot of injuries
because I have what's called a "problematic gait."
Uh, that's what the doctor called it. The doctor called it a "problematic gait."
He wasn't a gynecologist. Not that kind of gate.
It's very different, very different.
[chuckles, growls]
That's why I can't sleep with men. It's like... [growls]
No.
That's how I proposed.
I was actually having a panic attack when I proposed.
Why not? What a time to be alive!
[audience laughing]
But Jenno said this thing that she always says to me
when I'm having a bit of a meltdown.
She said, "Don't panic."
Which, on its own, is bullshit. Don't say that.
If you see someone having a panic attack, don't go, "Are you panicking?"
"Have you tried not?" Like, that's...
That's bullshit.
But it's what Jenno says next that brings it home.
She said, "Don't panic. Who do you wanna be?"
And my brain hears that, and it's like...
Because in my brain, when I'm having a panic attack,
I'm going, "What do I do? What do I do? What should I do?"
"What am I supposed to do? What's the right thing to do? What do I do?"
And she said, "Stop. Who?"
"Who do you wanna be?"
And my brain hears that and just goes, "A game!"
I love games. Panic's over. I am that simple.
[audience laughing]
And on this particular day, she's gone, "Who do you wanna be?"
And I've gone,
"Your wife."
- I know, I know. - [audience applauding]
I agree with you.
That's... that's tidy, right?
It's borderline adorable.
But apparently, it's not enough for the keepers of the genre.
Keepers of the proposal genre want proof of a plan.
They want a bit of effort. They want some context in the story,
and I cannot give you that.
If I was to paint any more of a picture than I've just given you, no good.
No romance. There was a death.
I'm not gonna go into it. This is a feel-good show.
But just so you know it's there.
This is a feel-good show. This is not a trap.
I'm not doing that thing I'm famous for.
I lull you into a false sense of security. You're like, "This feels good."
Then I go, "No, don't feel good. Feel bad. Go home. Feel worse." That...
is not what's going on here. This is a feel-good show.
- Or is it? - [audience laughing]
No, it is. It is.
It is. [chuckles]
I would love to turn that into a romantic, lovely story.
Right? I really would. I don't want to be contrary all the time.
But I can't.
I can't turn that into a... a lovely story.
And I-- it's disappointing, 'cause I'm good at a story.
I'm a little bit of a professional, if I'm honest.
But I can't do it, right? And Jenno can't tell that story,
'cause she's shit at stories. Like, she's fucking bad, right?
And to be fair, that's not my personal opinion.
I love the way Jenno tells the story.
It's just the opinion of every other person that's ever met her.
[audience laughing]
But I do love the way she tells a story.
It's got to the stage in our relationship, we tell couple's stories now.
I know. Blech. But... True.
And I defer. I do. I go, "You tell it, Jenno."
And you can see the look of horror descending on people's faces.
They're like, "No! You were supposed to help."
"You're a professional."
I'm like, "Day off, mate. Go on, Jenno."
I get my storytelling skills off my mum.
She's an excellent storyteller, one of the best.
The thing about my mum is she always, without fail,
lands the story plane.
Right? It's an incredible skill.
But her superpower,
her storytelling superpower, is she is really great
at hijacking other people's story planes...
and landing in on their face.
[audience laughing]
Like, it's a marvel, but also frightening.
I am very happy to report that my mum and Jenno get along very well.
It's a relief, because I don't have the constitution
to deal with that kind of tension.
If my mum and my partner didn't get along, someone would have to go.
They would. And... and I've run the analytics.
- It would be me. I... - [audience laughing]
I am the weakest link. Absolutely.
But it was a great relief.
'Cause my mum is not famous for being fond early.
I once introduced her to a girlfriend, right?
And she said, "I don't like her."
[exhales slowly]
"And I don't have to."
I know. It's like, "Yep. Fair enough, Mum."
"But she's right there."
[audience laughing]
"We could've had this conversation later." She was like...
I'm not alone. I'm the youngest of five kids.
All of my siblings had to do navigation to bring a spouse into the fold.
My brother-in-law has a great relationship with my mum now.
But in the beginning, struggle bus.
Because he's an Irishman, as it happens, and he's very pale of the complexion,
even by my standards,
and I'm an in-flight omelet.
But...
But he's a translucent potato. Like, it's... [blows air] ...amazing.
And Mum took to calling him Casper.
[audience laughing]
And once she worked out that he didn't like it, she dug in.
For a good couple of years, he's like, "I've got a name,"
and she's like, "I don't know what his problem is."
"Casper is the Friendly Ghost."
Just like a fact and a threat all wrapped up in one.
[puffs air]
But Mum and Jenno, they hit it off immediately.
They met after one of my shows.
Um, because, fun fact, Jenno is my producer.
She's right there.
- [audience cheering] - Yeah.
And just in case you're wondering where the balance of power is here,
as I'm onstage telling our story,
Jenno has complete control over the lights and sound.
- So... - [audience laughing]
...there it is.
[chuckles] Friendly Ghost.
They met after one of my gigs.
The thing about Jenno as a producer, she's always with backpack.
Right? That's her style as a producer. She's always with backpack.
Uh, it's where the business is, right?
So when Mum met Jenno,
she was with backpack.
And Mum took one look at her and said,
"Well, hello, Dora the Explorer."
[audience laughing]
And Jenno just said, "Thank you."
"She sees me."
But Mum and Jenno had a conversation outside of my earshot that night,
the first time they met. That's not how I would've played it.
If it was up to me, Mum and Jenno would never be alone together, ever.
Mum's too much of a loose unit. I don't trust her.
But they, straightaway.
But Jenno gave me a full report the next day.
And by full report, what I mean is
she just kept repeating what my mum had told her,
like, over and over and over again
in the vain hope that one day it might make sense.
Nah. Nah.
She said, "Hannah, your mum told me--"
Now, Jenno is American,
but the way I tell it, she does sound very Australian.
I think... [laughs]
You have to do the work in your head because I won't do the accent.
I don't have time.
I don't have time for all those Rs
that they insist on enunciating over there. It's boring.
Like, no other English-speaking nation in the world
uses the word "rural" in casual conversation.
Like, there are far more efficient ways of saying "not in the city."
Not for them.
They're like... [in American accent] "I'm from rural America."
[in normal voice] It's like, "Are you, mate? I live in the bush."
Jenno finds an R in my name. "Hanner."
It's not even there.
She says, "Hanner..." See, I won't do the accent.
She says, "Hannah, your mum told me that she takes money out of the bank
to save..."
[audience laughing]
"...for teeth."
"Hannah, Hannah, she takes money out of the bank
to save for teeth."
"Hannah? Hannah?"
"Are you listening? Hannah, your mum
takes money out of the bank to save for teeth."
"You know that's three separate ideas? They don't relate."
"But they do in your mum's head."
"Hannah, Hannah, she takes money out of the bank
to save for teeth."
"Hannah, that doesn't make any sense."
And I'm like, "I know!"
[audience laughing]
I've been hearing about my mum's dental saving plan for years.
Every pension day, she takes a cheeky ten or 15 out,
puts it in the special drawer.
She said, "Because if I leave it in the bank, Hannah,
I'll spend it."
[audience laughing]
I remember when my mum got her first-ever pair of false teeth.
It was a very unsettling time of my life.
I was a teenager,
and when she got them,
they were too big.
Right? And for whatever reason,
she just didn't get them tightened up for a good couple of years.
So they just rattled around.
So whenever she became animated,
the top rack would drop down and just completely transform her face.
Like, she would be angry,
and then she'd break out in a big, beautiful smile.
I mean... [laughs]
She'd be like, "Well, you can leave home if you like."
"You're not welcome here."
[audience laughing]
It was... Thank you.
It was worse when she yawned.
Because when she yawned, the top rack would drop down,
and the bottom rack would pop up,
and they'd meet in the middle.
Have you ever seen anybody yawn with their teeth clenched?
It is unsettling on a primal level.
Because their body says, "Relaxed,"
but their face says, "I will hunt you down!"
[audience laughing and applauding]
But she likes Jenno.
She said, "I like her. She's not a dickhead."
Which is the highest of praise.
I had to ask my dad what he thought,
because he's not a whistleblower, not on his own feelings.
So I asked him--
- That deserved more, but you do you. Um... - [audience laughing]
"Whistleblower on your feelings." I like that.
We'll probably edit it out 'cause it got nothing.
And this is about how you feel about the show. I'm not attached.
[audience laughing]
Okay, we got there.
I said, "Dad, what do you reckon about Jenno?"
And he said, "Oh, yeah. Yeah."
"Yeah, I... anyway."
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway..."
"What's your mother reckon? I probably..."
[laughs]
Dad can't tell stories.
That is a thing. My dad is the worst storyteller.
At the same time, my mum is the best.
And one of my favorite sports
is watching my dad try and tell a story in front of my mum,
because it drives her spare.
You can just see her vibrating,
waiting for the first opportunity to hijack his story plane.
But the thing is you cannot hijack my dad's story planes,
because they never get off the fucking ground.
[audience laughing]
Never.
He's like, "I don't know if I told you. The other day, I went to the shops
to get some milk, you see?"
"But I'd gotten up at about quarter to seven."
"Usually, I get up at around quarter past six,
quarter to six, give or take. But I slept in."
"A couple nights earlier, I'd had disrupted sleep,
'cause Margaret rang up, and I was a bit unsettled."
"You never catch up the sleep the next night."
"It's a couple of nights later."
"So I slept in to about quarter to seven thereabouts, and, um..."
"Which meant by the time I went to the shops to get the milk, you see,
the school traffic had hit. My word!"
"Oh, my word! I reckon what they're doing
is they're trying to avoid the backlog on the main road
and coming past our place. I reckon they're all doing that
and the main road's empty. There's so many of them."
And you just see Mum. She's just like... [grumbles]
"Will you shut up?"
And Dad's like... [mumbling] "I'm trying to tell a story."
She said, "That's not a story, Roger."
"That's just a list of facts you've remembered
on your way to being a very boring man."
- [audience laughing] - [Hannah puffs air]
[chuckles]
Brutal!
My dad doesn't get too upset. He's like, "Oh, anyway, how about a cuppa?"
"I've got some milk."
He's a very mild-mannered man, very mild-mannered.
My parents' parenting style was very much
bad cop, asleep cop.
That's how they rolled.
Dad never raised his voice at us kids.
He's very quietly spoken. He only ever really raised it once,
and it was so shocking, I'll never forget it.
It's just so in contrast to who I knew him as.
So what happened was
he dropped a bit of cheese,
and the dog got it.
[audience laughing]
[Hannah] That's his line.
It wasn't even a fancy bit of cheese, you know?
It's just some Homebrand cheddar.
But it was his cheese,
and he dropped it,
and the dog got it.
And he's like... [yelling] "Get out of there, you bloody mongrel!"
"Go on with you! Go on! Drop it! Drop it!"
[in normal voice] And the dog's like... Blech.
[audience laughing]
And my brother and I were there, just going, "Who are you?"
Dad's like, "Yeah. Bloody hell. Yeah."
[grumbling]
[spits]
I've gotta spit it out. We'll probably cut that out. [laughs]
Been touring this show for a year.
Every night, I commit to that.
Swallow...
the pretend cheese.
And my mind's going, "No. It's been on the floor."
But it hasn't. It's not real.
In my mind, I don't think it matters.
I can't pretend swallow the pretend cheese.
That's probably why I can't sleep with men.
Hey!
No.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Doesn't make any sense.
[chuckles]
I had a lot of girlfriends before Jenno. Um...
I'm not bragging, but it was a lot. G'day.
Um... [laughs]
I didn't set out to be a netballer. I...
[audience laughing]
I'm just not very good at relating,
and it turns out relating is a good part of what a relationship is.
It was nothing too dramatic.
Most of my relationships ended with us folding in mutual exhaustion.
Um...
I once got dumped because I got caught out in a lie.
Um, I was really delighted, personally,
because I'm really bad at lying.
I can't pretend swallow pretend cheese and then not tell you about it. Like, I'm...
So for me to be able to tell a lie,
then hold onto it for long enough for it to become a betrayal of trust,
that felt, to me, like a sign of maturation, you know?
Like, "One day, I'll be a real boy." You know?
I'll tell you what happened. I feel like you've gone cold.
[whispering] "I thought we could trust you."
[in normal voice] What happened was my girlfriend asked
if I wanted an ice cream.
I know. High stakes.
And I said yes, 'cause I wanted the ice cream.
That wasn't the lie. I'm not a monster.
But this is how I said yes.
I said, "Yeah. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream."
And she said, "Wow! Did you just make that up?"
[audience laughing]
"Yes, yes, I did. Yes." I know.
[audience applauding]
Why not?
Now, I'm pretty sure I was about to self-correct.
Right, right? I didn't feel like I was gonna hold onto that one.
But then I got an ice cream, very distracted, and I forgot.
Six months later, she found out...
that I wasn't such a gifted poet after all.
She was very upset.
She said, "You lied to me."
"How could I ever trust you again? You lied to me."
And in the end, I said, "Honestly, I don't think I should be held accountable
for all the glaring gaps in your general knowledge." [chuckles]
[audience laughing and applauding]
I know.
I think that falls under the category of bad at relating.
My worst breakup, uh, I did the breaking up,
and it was really bad because it didn't take.
[chuckles] I broke up with my girlfriend, and nothing happened.
Everything just remained exactly as it had.
It was like reverse ghosting. It was very intense.
I was so shocked, it took another week to have another crack.
I said, "I don't want to be in this relationship,"
and she said, "Yeah, but I do."
[audience laughing]
I said, "I don't think it works like that."
"I think we both have to be yeses,
or it's a no."
"Like, it's a consent thing."
And she said, "Yeah, how's that working out for you?"
[mouthing] I know.
Now, honestly, I don't remember how that relationship really ended.
I mean, I think we've broken up.
But I don't have a lot of strong memories of that time of my life.
It was quite a long time ago, 20-odd years,
and it wasn't a great time of my life.
And the thing about shit things, shit life,
is you're never having a shit life,
and your brain's going, "Let's remember this."
"Let's hang onto this for a bit of nostalgia nom nom later."
No. It's just memory soup in there.
You just fucking chuck it in the back. Whatever. Right?
It's memory soup, right?
I only have one really clear memory of that relationship,
and it works like a film trailer.
You know when you watch a film trailer, and it's very busy,
and at the end of it, you're left with a lot of questions
and absolutely no fucking desire to watch that piece of shit?
That's how it works.
Now, what happened is we're driving very late at night.
My girlfriend was driving. I wasn't.
That's how it works in cars.
And...
I don't know where we were coming from or going to,
but it was a back road, very dark. Only lights were the headlights.
It was unsealed, so very gravelly.
And she's a bit of a lead foot, so speeding, right?
And then all of a sudden, she just slams on the brakes.
And the truck's just fishtailing all over the road. It's terrifying.
Then it just spun a full 360 around and then stopped in a cloud of dust.
But she was out the door
before it even registered that we'd stopped.
And I had no idea what was happening.
She's run around the front of the truck and bent down.
I couldn't see her. I'm like, "What's happening?"
"What is happening?"
And when she stood up,
she was holding a dead rabbit by the ears.
Yeah, all right. Just listen to yourselves there.
That is the response of a lesbian-heavy audience.
- [audience laughing] - Isn't it?
A little rabbit gets hurt, and you're like, "The worst."
And yet you seemed fine as I walked you step by step
through a borderline abusive relationship.
- [audience laughing] - There you are.
Dead rabbit? [wails]
Anyway, she's holding up the dead rabbit, and she's smiling.
And I'm confused. I don't know what emotions I'm supposed to be having,
but I don't think happiness would be top on the list.
Right? And she's like, "It's a clean hit."
I know. I'm like, "Were we playing a game, and I didn't know?"
And she's like, "I'm gonna take it home for the dogs."
I'm like, "Oh, no, fuck. Come on."
And then she said the worst thing I've ever heard.
She said,
"I think I'm gonna skin it now."
[audience exclaiming]
I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no, no. Why, why, why, why?"
"How?"
And then I found out.
She bent down again. I couldn't see her. I'm like, "What the fuck is happening?"
And when she stands up,
she's got the little bunny's ankle in her teeth.
- [audience screaming] - Yeah, fucking shut up.
You didn't have to kiss her later.
[mouthing] I know.
[audience exclaiming]
She's like...
[grunting] ...trying to get a bit of purchase.
[grunts]
You see it. You hear... [clicks tongue]
And then she just peels it.
Like, it is just one fluid movement. It's just like...
[squelching sounds]
Like, it was the most incredible, fucked-up thing I've ever seen.
It was like the shittest magic trick you could imagine.
Because there's no sleight of hand.
You see everything,
and yet it's still a trick.
'Cause she's like, "I've got one rabbit."
"Now I've got two."
"One of them is red."
[mouthing] I know. [speaking] I know.
You wouldn't watch that film, would you?
That got a bit dark there. I'll give you that.
That bit, that's the darkest this show will get, right?
This is-- That's it. It's all light now.
I met Jenno, which is a relief, 'cause otherwise--
This is a very elaborate catfishing show, isn't it? Um...
But, no, I met her at a very strange time of my life.
She was the on-the-ground producer
of my off-Broadway run of Nanette back in the day.
And, um, she was the first American I met off the plane,
and apparently, I've just gone, "Yep, come on. You'll do."
[audience laughing]
No, no. I did flirt. I did flirt.
I did this, "Hello, madam."
It's very... [laughs] ...very effective.
And... but it was about six months. We met about six months
before the Netflix of it all completely turned my life upside down.
And I realize in hindsight that I didn't use those...
those six months wisely, you know?
I mostly napped, you know?
I'm... I'm a slumberjack. What can I say?
And I realize what I should have been doing in those six months is
I should have been preparing for fame.
Um, you can't land cold on that shit like I did,
'cause it fucks you up, and you fuck it up, right?
Honestly, you must prepare for fame.
If you take anything away from this show, take that.
Prepare for fame. Make sure you're prepared.
Be prepared for fame.
Don't worry about natural disasters.
Don't. Just prepare for fame.
Don't expect it. That's gross. But just...
[audience laughing]
On the off chance you find yourself famous,
you'd better be prepared,
because I wasn't, and I made a dog's breakfast of it. Absolutely.
If I'd have been prepared for fame, when I met Ruby Rose,
and she told me how amazing she thought I was,
if I'd had been prepared,
I definitely wouldn't have laughed in her face.
I don't know what I meant by it. It was not malicious.
I just think I forgot she wasn't a picture. Do you know?
[blows raspberries] "Why are you talking to me? Witchcraft!"
If I'd have been prepared for fame,
when my path crossed with Jodie Foster...
Yeah.
No good. It's actually the second time my path crossed with Jodie Foster.
And what happened was it just so happened to be my birthday.
Now, I knew that.
That's to be expected, no?
What wasn't expected
is that Jodie Foster also knew that it was my birthday.
Right? Which is kind of cool until you zoom out, and it's a bit creepy.
[audience laughing]
But she arrived with a present for me.
I know.
I got a birthday present from Jodie fucking Foster.
- [audience cheering and applauding] - I know!
I know!
Context clues.
Not a good thing.
I fucked it up, remember? [laughs]
I got a birthday present, and it was a great one too.
It was BANANAGRAMS. I fucking...
That's a great present.
Like, I love games. I love words.
I love handy travel pouches.
I love my potassium metaphorical.
It's a gift that keeps on giving.
And if I'd been prepared for fame, I would've received the gift
and gone, "Why, thank you. That is very kind. You're most generous."
"Are you next in line for queen?"
Or something.
But I wasn't prepared.
Do you know what I said?
"I've already got BANANAGRAMS."
[audience laughing]
I know.
It's like, "You're too late. Better luck next time."
Would be the subtext.
If I'd been prepared for fame, when I met Richard Curtis,
I would've known who the fuck he was.
[audience laughing]
I would've known that he's the man responsible
for romantic classics like Notting Hill and Love Actually.
And so if I'd been prepared,
when he asked me what my favorite romantic comedy was,
I might have had a diplomatic answer.
Maybe one of his films.
But I wasn't prepared. Do you know what I said?
"I don't like romantic comedies."
[audience laughing]
I know.
Richard is very practiced at being famous. He was very gracious in that moment.
He turned that conversation right around. Without batting an eyelid,
he showed a clear pathway out of the awkwardness I had just created.
A very clear pathway I did not take.
[audience laughing]
He said, "That's fine. Not everyone's cup of tea."
"But what is it about romantic comedies that you don't like so much?"
And I said,
"I don't like the way the kissing sounds."
[audience laughing]
I-- I don't know why.
Honestly, I-I don't--
Hindsight is not always 20/20.
I look back at that, and I still don't know why I said that.
The other complicating factor of my life when I first met Jenno
is that I'd only just very recently been diagnosed autistic, right?
And I was still very much working out what that meant for me.
And to be clear, a lot of what that meant for me is
I don't like the way the kissing sounds.
But when Jenno and I met,
I was on a very steep learning curve about where I was on the spectrum,
and what ended up happening is
as we worked together, we learned together,
and that turned out to be quite the blessing for me.
Because I need an outside eye, it turns out,
because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing
three-quarters of the time.
Jenno and I will experience the same occasion,
and then later on, we'll go home, and we'll debrief.
And I will say, "This is what happened,"
and Jenno will say, "Where the fuck were you?"
[audience laughing]
[Hannah] I know.
I'll give you a very good example. My senses are wired a little differently,
and one of my quirks is I have incredibly sensitive palms.
Uh, it's a bit of a nuisance.
And what happens is
when I'm holding something small and irregular-shaped,
I can become very irritated and almost angry.
That's why I can't sleep with men, actually.
- No! - [audience laughing]
No, no, no, no.
It doesn't make any sense, but you went with it.
I do like saying "small and irregular-shaped," though.
That's fun. That's fun.
Anyway, so I could be holding something small and irregular-shaped,
and I get angry, and I have to not hold it very quickly.
Right? I was like... and I'm like... Argh!
[item clatters]
And I say to Jenno, "I drop things a lot. I'm very clumsy."
And she said, "Nah. You didn't drop that."
"Look how far away it is."
That really came to bear
the first time my path crossed with Jodie Foster.
What happened was, she came to see a show, and she came backstage for a chat later.
What an honor.
Right? And it was very good. We were having a chat, chat, chat.
And during the course of the chat,
she wrote her phone number on a scrap bit of cardboard for me. Right?
And I took that, and--
Not like that, of course. It was professional. This is business.
It's not... She wasn't... She's married. It's fine.
Although, now I say that out loud, I can't be sure.
- [audience laughing] - [Hannah chuckles]
It's too late now anyway, isn't it? [chuckles]
No, strictly professional. Wrote her number down.
I think.
And I took it, and we chat-chat-chat,
and then I started screwing it up.
Right? In front of her fucking face.
Like, "Thanks for your number. That's what I think."
I didn't know I was doing that.
This came from Jenno's witness report from later.
I was just in the zone.
Right? And then I was screwing it up in front of her fucking face,
and then I went to throw it away.
In front of her fucking face.
And then I felt my hand pull backwards, and I turn around.
Jenno's there and said, "I'll take that, I'll file it in the backpack."
- The... - [audience laughing]
I know!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Hannah] What a little ripper!
Absolute champion.
And that's pretty much how our relationship works.
It's like curling.
Yep, the adorable winter sport.
I'm the giant puck.
And every morning, we have a team meeting and go,
"This is where you need to go today."
"This is how fast you'll go. This is the line you'll take."
"These are the things you might bump into on the way."
And then we send me out,
and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it.
[audience laughing]
And Jenno's out front just going...
She works very hard.
I worry a lot
that the sweep-to-puck ratio is too one-sided in our relationship.
I want to help Jenno.
I wanna look after her like she looks after me.
But the thing about Jenno is she's incredibly competent.
At everything!
And I'm not.
Like, I'm good at this.
I'm shit-hot at this.
But the thing about this is
this doesn't occur in the wild.
This doesn't happen anywhere else.
This only happens because Jenno produces it.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Hannah] I think that's for you.
Sometimes I try.
Sometimes I try to sweep for Jenno. Right? I try to be the hero,
and without fail,
I fuck it up.
But one time, the one time I tried to be the hero,
and I still fucked it up,
but I failed so spectacularly, like, so thoroughly,
that I went full circle and gave success a nudge from behind.
I did. It was incredible.
It happened when we were out taking the dogs for a walk. Right?
I've got a couple dogs. Taking them for a walk.
And Jenno's right up in front. She's way ahead of me, right?
And I... I'm a slow walker. Right?
When we first started walking the dogs together,
she would never leave my side
because she was scared my dogs were gonna catch a rabbit.
Um, and I had to go, "Look at my dogs."
Like, they're--
It looks like the Swedish Chef fucked a sheep.
Like, they go... [warbling]
Like, my dogs are not catching a rabbit.
I once saw my dogs chase a rabbit,
and the rabbit got bored.
Right? So eventually, like, she calmed down.
She realized that my dogs are not catching a rabbit,
and so she just started to go her own pace.
And I-- I was way behind, right?
Because I walk slow, but also because I had a problem to solve,
and I can't walk and think at the same time.
It's part of the problematic gait situation.
We're on this walk.
I should give you a bit more context before I go on.
Jenno and I did a world tour together,
and then we came back to Australia for a bit of... [exaggerated enunciating] ...R&R.
- [audience laughing] - [in normal voice] I'm trying.
Um, Jenno was just gonna come for a couple of weeks, you know?
But that was March 2020.
Right? So what began for Jenno
as a fun little holiday in a strange new land with a new partner
very quickly turned into a hostage situation in the bush.
Right?
Now, by and large, we were fine during the pandemic.
You know, ups and downs, netball is for sluts, and all that. But...
But we just played a lot of games. Right? We both love playing games.
Not mind games, but just games.
I played my first-ever game of Guess Who? with Jenno.
That was a revelation. We didn't have Guess Who? growing up.
Too fancy. Too many moving parts. You know what I'm saying?
We were a backgammon family. Right? I fucking love backgammon.
That backgammon briefcase
is the fanciest piece of furniture in our house.
That two-toned brown pleather. Mm, yummy!
I love that backgammon briefcase. If no one was playing backgammon,
I'd be walking around the house with it, going, "I'm on business."
[audience laughing]
For one brief period of time,
I used it as my school bag.
"I'm not going to school. I'm on business."
Bullied? Absolutely.
But the beauty of me is I had no idea.
They were like, "Nice bag, fuckwit."
I'm like, "Thank you."
[audience laughing and applauding]
It got to the stage my brother had to pull me aside. He said,
"You can't take that to school anymore. I'm being bullied by proxy."
I said, "But I'm on business." "At home."
I'd never played Guess Who? before,
and Jenno very kindly offered to teach me, to tell me the rules,
and I very arrogantly said, "No need."
"I've seen the adverts. It's child's play."
This is my first question ever,
playing Guess Who? at age 42.
I said, "Okay, it's your first day at a new job."
I know, I know, I know.
Gets worse.
I said, "It's your first day at a new job,
and you're very overwhelmed. There's a lot to learn."
"You keep making mistakes. Everyone's being kind,
but you're not sure how long their generosity of spirit is going to last,
particularly because you keep getting their names wrong."
"It's morning tea time. You go to the break room,
you make yourself a cup of tea to gather your wits and calm down."
"Then your person walks in with that face."
"Do you want to slap them?"
[audience laughing]
I know.
To which Jenno said,
"No."
And, "Wow."
Then she said, "Look, Hannah, I don't think we read faces the same way."
"What is it about this face that you find so slappable?"
I said, "That's a great question. Thank you for asking."
And I looked again, and I'm like,
"Oh, yeah, actually quite a few have it."
"I've got it."
"Can you see their teeth?"
To which Jenno said, "Do you mean
are they smiling?"
[audience laughing]
I know.
It turns out I find friendliness threatening.
Now, that might have something to do with my autism.
But it might also have something to do
with those couple of years Mum had too big false teeth.
No? Nature-nurture.
We'll never unravel.
[chuckles]
So, I was fine during the pandemic. Thank you for asking. I...
'Cause I don't need a lot of human interaction
to keep my soul afloat. Right?
Um, but I am embarrassed to admit that it didn't occur to me
to consider that Jenno might be having a different experience
as an American in a foreign country, trapped during a global pandemic
in the bush, as I insisted on calling it.
Right? It just... it didn't occur to me
until one day I overheard her having a conversation with one of my dogs,
which should have been the red flag.
Somehow, it wasn't.
Right? She said, "Douglas,
I didn't have time for dogs before the pandemic."
"You are a lot of work."
"But now, you're my best friend."
I know.
Jasper was right there.
I know.
No. It's okay. He's a rescue. He knows his place.
- Oh, oh! - [audience laughing]
Oh-ho!
That's the edgiest joke you can do in front of a lesbian-heavy audience,
isn't it?
It's like punch down on a rescue animal.
Edgelord!
It's just jokes. I love him. He's my little rescue prince. Don't worry.
Anyway...
I heard that, though, and I... [chuckles]
I was a little, like, taken aback.
Right? I didn't like hearing that, because I'm Jenno's partner.
I'm her employer.
[audience laughing]
Then I find out during the course of that conversation
that I also own her best friend.
And I'm like, "Aw, that's not great. I don't like this balance of power."
So I... I decided right there and then,
I said, "It is my job to help Jenno connect to the community."
Right? And so later that afternoon, we're out walking the dogs,
and Jenno's way up ahead with her best friend Douglas. Right?
And I'm-- I'm way back here,
almost at a standstill, 'cause it's a hard problem. Right?
The idea that I could help anybody socially
is a fucking joke.
I didn't solve it this day. I don't want you to think that's where we're heading.
I did not solve this issue.
I solved it six months later. I did. Quite by accident.
It was during that time, you know, when in between variants.
You know, that little perineum of time, you know, when we... [chuckles]
...when we thought it was over?
And then it's like, "Omicron." You know?
And I was at the supermarket,
and I saw a poster for the local football team,
and I thought, "That's it."
"What a great way for an American to connect to small-town Australia
than play a sport she's never even seen?"
I took the poster home and said,
"You should join the local women's football team."
And she said, "You took the poster."
And I said, "Yep, yep. Facts, information."
And she said, "Do you reckon anyone else might want that information?"
And I'm like, "I don't know. I don't know how teams work."
But she did join the team, the Tigers.
You know what their club motto is?
"How dare we fail?"
We don't even know what tense that's in.
[audience laughing]
Do you say it before a game, or do you say it after the game?
Is that motivational, or is it shaming, or is it a genius mix of the two?
I don't know.
It's brilliant.
[audience applauding]
She came home from her first training session full of stories.
Full of stories.
I said, "How'd you go?" And she said,
"They don't call it football."
"They call it footy."
"And you're not allowed to throw the footyball."
"But you're allowed to slap it to a friend."
Then she said, "I like tackling, I love tackling,
but you gotta let go... as soon as you hear the whistle, you gotta let go."
"Otherwise, you give away a 50-meter penalty."
"I don't know how far 50 meters is, so that's irrelevant to me."
"I counted seven redheads on that team. That seems like a lot."
"Although three of them insisted they were strawberry blonde,
but I don't believe that."
"This is anecdotal,
but only 40% of the team seemed to know who you are."
"The other 60% would rather talk about potatoes."
As I sat there listening to Jenno's story,
I realized what it is about Jenno's stories
that I love so much.
Because what you have there is not a story.
What that is
is a list of facts.
Because I've married my fucking father.
[audience laughing]
Absolutely.
And unlike my mum, I'm there for it.
I fucking love it. Like, I am there for it. I love--
She collects such great facts. Right?
Most of them are relevant. Some are a bit left-field.
Others are totally obscure but then become relevant later.
She's excellent. But it's not just the facts she collects.
It's how she stacks the facts.
She's like a fact Brâncuşi.
Because you think you're going somewhere,
and then she gets to the end of it, and you're like, "Nah."
[audience laughing]
It's just a list of facts.
I love it, because I don't get to collect facts like that
in new situations.
If I go into a new environment, I'm not collecting facts.
I'm absorbing everything, like, absorbing it all,
and I'm not filing it away. I just get soggy.
Right? I get soggy and overwhelmed, and then I have to go home,
and I squeeze myself out and just go, "What the fuck just happened?"
"And why are there so many teeth?"
[audience laughing]
But since being with Jenno, I'm getting more confident,
because I know if we're together in a new situation,
she's collecting the facts, and I can make sense later.
It's really great.
So I really wanted her to go back and get more facts.
I said, "You gotta go back to training." She said, "I sprained my finger."
And I said, "How dare we fail?"
[audience laughing]
So she came back, and she said, "It is a dangerous sport, Hannah."
"The captain was out last year with a knee injury."
"She was injured during a game."
"Caz was also out with a knee injury, but she wasn't injured during a game."
"She was run over by a cow."
[audience laughing]
"Which was not, as I first thought, a euphemism."
"Then there's Shaz, right? She can't train at the moment,
'cause she's gotta wait for the stutter to sort itself out after the concussion."
"But she came to--" I know.
"She came to training anyway and stood on the boundary line."
"I think she's what you would call a tradie
because she was wearing a lot of what you would call high vis,
and she had a hat with a tractor on it."
"And she was smoking a durry, which is not drugs."
"It's a ciggy, which is a cigarette."
"And she was drinking beer out of a tin, which is called a tinny."
"Now, her name's Shannon, but they call her Shaz."
"They call Laura 'Lauz.' They call Terry 'Tez.'"
"And when they say 'sorry,' they say 'soz.'"
"And when I heard Kaz say they called the ambo for Shaz,
I'm like, 'I've got it. I've got it. I know what you do with words.'"
"I know what you people do with words."
"You take a perfectly good noun. You chop it off at the nearest consonant."
"You get rid of the rest. You tack on a Zed or an O."
"That is what you do."
I know.
[audience cheering and applauding]
And I said, "Yeah,
Jenno."
[audience laughing]
And she said...
"Oh."
[audience laughing]
"Oh, I thought that was special to me."
And I said, "No."
[audience laughing]
"My brother calls his wife Jenno."
"It's Beno and Jenno."
"I've already got BANANAGRAMS."
I just...
I do learn lessons.
I do, but they're very specific.
You know, if Jodie Foster were to give me BANANAGRAMS for my birthday again,
I will know what to do.
But if Tom Cruise gave me Guess Who? for Christmas,
I'd probably slap that toothy menace.
[audience laughing and applauding]
[Hannah giggles]
Anyway, that was six months later.
Six months earlier, I'm still-- I'm trying to solve that problem.
Jenno is way ahead with her best friend Douglas.
I'm dawdling. Jasper is in the bushes rabble-rousing, right?
And he ends up flushing out a little rabbit,
and it hops on the path in front of me.
And it stops, looks up at me, and I look down at it.
It's just a magical little moment.
It felt like just the two of us.
I'm like, "Oh, my God. I'm Snow White."
And then I clock it.
I'm like, "Oh, no."
"You don't have the fear, mate, do you?"
He's like, "I sure don't."
"I'm diseased." [laughs]
I know. Rotting eyeballs.
And I'm like, "Not today. I don't think today is the day
we want my dogs catching their first rabbit,
and it's diseased,
and Jenno is homesick, and I've only just found out."
And I'm not proud of this, but I just gave it a bit of a toe poke
to get it off the path.
It tumbled down the clover under some shrubbery.
I'm like, "Great. I nailed that."
I look up. Jenno hasn't seen it, and I'm like, "Yes."
But Jasper has,
and he comes tearing out, and he's like, "I'm gonna get my first rabbit."
'Cause he's a feral fucker. I love him.
He's like, "I'm gonna get..." And I'm like, "Not on my watch."
And now, I didn't kick him.
I didn't kick him.
My leg was entirely still.
He made a decision.
[audience laughing]
Let's be clear on that. He made a decision to run into my leg,
and he made that decision very hard and very fast.
And as soon as he hit my leg, I've just gone... [swishes air, grunts]
...on the ground.
I just grabbed the scruff of his collar in time.
And I'm like, "Phew!"
And then I look up.
And I see that Jenno has turned around,
and she has seen that.
She didn't see the rabbit.
She just saw me pick a fight with my dog.
And lose.
So she comes running back and said, "Why did you just kick your dog?"
And I said, "It was a rabbit situation."
"And technically, I didn't kick him. It was more of a coathanger, and..."
And she said, "What's a coathanger?"
This was before she played footyball.
And she said, "What's a coathanger?"
And then she's like, "Oh, my God. A bunny."
The fucking rabbit didn't know it was unsafe,
so he didn't know he was safe,
so he just came back out on the fucking path.
Just going, "All right, bit of a din. What's going on here?"
"Can I help? You need help?"
And I could tell Jenno wants to touch the bunny with her hands,
and Jasper wants to touch the bunny with his mouth teeth.
Right?
And what happens next happened very quickly,
but I'm gonna walk you through it.
And I'm going to begin with my intention,
because it won't be clear.
What I wanted to do was get my jacket
and then pop it over the rabbit.
Bit of... bit of coat cocoon.
And then just pick it up, scoop it up,
take it to the vet to outsource the slaughter.
Right? It was distressed. It was diseased. It was on its way out.
I was-- I'm the hero. All right? I'm the hero. Just remember that.
That's your mantra. I'm the hero.
Maybe I am the man one.
Um...
Anyway, all right.
So what happened was I had Jasper by the scruff of his neck.
I had to get to the rabbit, but I had to give myself a head start,
because Jasper's got four legs, and he's good at them.
I've only got the two, and we've established, not great.
So I gave myself a head start
by throwing him away.
[audience laughing]
I know.
But it wasn't just like, "Off you go, mate. You go over there."
No, no, no. I went full Soviet discus thrower.
Like, straight out of the '80s.
Roided up out of nowhere, I'm like... [grunts]
[audience laughing]
I'm watching Jasper. He's flying through the air going,
"As soon as I hit the ground, I'm back. I'm gonna get that rabbit."
And I turn around, and I'm trying to get to the rabbit,
and then out of fucking nowhere,
Douglas decides today is the day he's gonna be a real dog.
And he comes from fucking nowhere
and just... [growls] ...puts that rabbit in a death grip.
I know. In front of his best friend.
I know.
So I did the only thing I knew how to do.
"Get out of there, you bloody mongrel! Go on with you! Drop it! Drop it!"
[audience laughing and applauding]
He's a good dog.
He's gone... Blech.
But Jenno and both dogs have started going,
"Who the fuck are you?"
And the rabbit is not dead.
I know. But it's got the fear now.
And it starts screaming.
I don't know if you've heard a rabbit scream. It's not great.
Watership Down is not a children's film.
It's bullshit.
So it starts going... [squeaks]
You know there's no end to this story where I don't kill a rabbit.
You know I have to kill the rabbit. It's the humane thing to do.
It's deeply distressed. It's gonna die soon.
It needed to die sooner for the...
I'm the hero, I'm the hero. Okay.
I even knew how I was gonna do it.
There was a log. I was gonna pick it up, squash the rabbit. Stamp it out.
I'm the hero.
But I didn't wanna do it in front of Jenno.
I felt like she'd seen enough.
So I sent her on an errand.
I said, "I need a stick."
I didn't need a stick. But I knew if I asked for something,
Jenno would put her producer hat on and say, "I will produce."
Right? So she ran off. I'm like, "Yes!"
So I picked up the log.
Now, the thing about Jenno is
she's very efficient.
[audience laughing]
And I'm not.
So she comes back at the worst possible time.
Because I was here.
Right? And even if I didn't wanna drop it on the bunny, I couldn't have stopped it.
Like, momentum and gravity had taken over by the time I saw her.
And when I did, I turned around,
and for the first time in my fucking life,
I have given extended eye contact
to another human being.
[audience laughing]
I know.
Just...
Eyeballed her. And I'm like...
[grunts]
[audience laughing]
And by then, I was in the zone,
which meant I had to make sure the rabbit was dead, apparently.
So, without breaking eye contact, I started to go...
[grunts]
[makes clicking sound]
And then I calmed down. I looked at Jenno, and even I could read her face.
[chuckles] It was sad, distressed probably.
And I looked at that, and I'm like, "Oh, no."
"I've been there."
"I've been trapped in a relationship with a bunny killer."
[audience laughing and applauding]
I didn't want that.
I did not want that for Jenno.
So I tried to fix it.
I said, "It was diseased. I put it out of its misery. I'm the hero."
"It had myxomatosis. We call it myxo, 'cause we're fun with words."
"It was an introduced disease. 'Cause colonialism was never a good idea."
"If you need to go back to America, you should. I don't want you to go,
but you must miss your family and friends."
"We can hold up. We don't know how long this will last."
"We're strong. Zoom's fine. It's awful, but we'll cope."
"What do you need me to do? What should I do?"
"What am I supposed to do? What's the right thing for me to do?"
"What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?"
And she said, "Stop."
"Don't panic."
"Who do you wanna be?"
[audience laughing]
"Your wife."
Thank you.
[audience cheering and applauding]
["Don't Leave Me This Way" by The Communards playing]
♪ I can't survive, I can't stay alive ♪
♪ Without your love, no, oh, baby ♪
♪ Don't leave me this way ♪
♪ I can't exist ♪
♪ I would surely miss your tender kiss ♪
♪ So don't leave me this way ♪
♪ Ah, baby! ♪
♪ My heart is full of love And desire for you ♪
♪ So come on down and do What you gotta do ♪
♪ You started this fire down in my soul ♪
♪ Now can't you see It's burning out of control ♪
♪ So come on down And satisfy the need in me ♪
♪ 'Cause only your good lovin' Can set me free ♪
♪ Don't, don't you leave me this way... ♪