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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪(拍攝於雪梨歌劇院)

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‪(原住民國度之卡地哥族的領土上)

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‪片名:漢娜·蓋茲比:那些美好的事

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‪嘿!

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‪謝謝

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‪我結婚了

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‪我知道

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‪這真棒

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‪我喜歡

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‪這場脫口秀就是關於這個

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‪我知道,這會是一場浪漫喜劇

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‪好噁心!

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‪不是,但沒錯
‪這場演出將令人很開懷

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‪對!

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‪對,這場演出將令人很開懷

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‪因為我相信是我欠你們的

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‪對

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‪多年來,我把你們捲進了不少屁事

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‪你們卻沒有離棄我,感激不盡!

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‪但也是時候該還點債了

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‪所以這會像是個小驚喜,好嗎?

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‪就這一個多小時,我們來開懷一下

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‪我會讓你們
‪這群共處一室的陌生有緣人

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‪一起愉快開懷,好嗎?

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‪我將手放到陽光底下

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‪對吧?
‪就是撒了一丁點女同志的小玩笑

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‪我想這是個好開始

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‪是個好開始

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‪在正式開始前

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‪我想先承認世界末日快到了

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‪我不希望你們以為我無知無覺
‪事實並非如此,我是意識到的

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‪我們完了,我們死定了

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‪但問題是 ,我認為我解決不了此事

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‪今晚不行,不...

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‪在大限前也不行

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‪所以我會乾脆不理

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‪而接下來的一小時,我們將一起開懷

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‪然後我們又可以到外頭去

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‪當我們的集體絕種事件主角

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‪你們準備好了嗎?好吧

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‪來吧

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‪我的夫人名叫珍妮

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‪你們為事實鼓掌

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‪我叫她珍諾

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‪因為,嗯,就像“早咯”

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‪她覺得那很可愛,那就好了

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‪這有夠不勞而獲的,該滿足了吧

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‪告訴你們,經過非常崎嶇的學習之路

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‪我們兩個才學會安排訂婚

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‪我的媽呀,直男直女的感受還真多

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‪他們對婚禮有很多感受,我都不知道

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‪千真萬確

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‪我猜那是因為太久沒有人邀請我了

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‪所以我不知道那是個特別場合

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‪誰知道呢?直男直女

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‪但我們似乎犯了很多錯

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‪例如我們準備了鯊魚蛋糕

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‪對,我們的結婚蛋糕是新奇立體蛋糕

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‪對,蛋糕頂上
‪有個他媽的鯊魚頭冒出來,就是...

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‪那是頭大白鯊,謝謝你的提問

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‪牠兩邊臉長了殺死人的眼睛
‪還有兩排牙齒

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‪因為事實

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‪在蛋糕頂公開身分
‪像鯊魚般令人震驚

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‪我們在結婚蛋糕上放了例牌的小雕像

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‪那些叫做甚麼?車頭裝飾?
‪我不知道,也不在乎

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‪大部分人都會放一個新郎一個新娘
‪但我們沒有,因為事實上

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‪我們選了兩隻水獺

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‪手牽着手

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‪我知道

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‪在鯊魚嘴裏

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‪大家不喜歡這樣

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‪他們陷入混亂

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‪心想:“你們怎麼弄來鯊魚蛋糕?
‪討厭的新奇立體蛋糕,我不喜歡”

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‪他們說出來不是這樣

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‪但我聽起來就是這樣,這差別很重要

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‪但我們選用新奇立體蛋糕是有原因的

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‪因為我們想騙一名基督徒糕點師傅

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‪對,我們想騙一名基督徒糕點師傅
‪製作同志結婚蛋糕,而...

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‪我們成功了,像這樣

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‪“不,老兄,那不是結婚蛋糕
‪我快十歲生日了”

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‪輕鬆,真好騙

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‪基督徒們凡事相信

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‪所以他要下地獄了

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‪我們都必須盡一分力推動同志權益

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‪把基督徒一個一個送到地獄去

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‪激進主義很高效,對吧?

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‪我沒說這開懷脫口秀是為誰而設

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‪我應該要說的

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‪我覺得很開懷

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‪我猜我和珍諾
‪之所以能妥當地跌跌撞撞到婚禮

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‪是因為我們都沒有花時間思考此事

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‪像籌劃我們的“大日子”之類
‪顯然,籌劃是應該的

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‪生為女身

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‪理應花上多得離譜的時間幻想

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‪色彩配置和花藝設計

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‪粉飾自己被賣掉的那天,而我...

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‪我就是從來沒想過這些

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‪因為長久以來,我都沒有這個選項

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‪你們要記得,在我成長的時代

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‪我們同志連該死的公路也領養不了

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‪對吧?更別說和自己想抱的人結婚了

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‪我為甚麼要浪費時間?

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‪珍諾是雙性戀者

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‪所以事實上一半的她也可以思考這些

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‪但她沒有,她太忙了

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‪典型的雙性戀者,對不對?

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‪嗯?不對

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‪不對,我錯了

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‪這種成見很糟糕

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‪但我真想吹噓自己與女雙性戀者結婚

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‪因為這件事令某一種男人特別困擾

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‪而我很享受困擾他們

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‪因為我被選擇了

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‪而你們沒有

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‪我還沒說清楚這開懷脫口秀為誰而設

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‪順帶一提,我愛死了我們的婚禮
‪我應該要說明這點,那天我們很開心

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‪那是在家裏辦的小小儀式
‪只有零星的朋友和家人出席

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‪只有我的朋友和家人

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‪因為我才最重要

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‪開玩笑的,而這並非我的專長

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‪所以你們做得好,反應那麼冷淡

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‪你們注意到旁人的目光,我理解的

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‪不,真正的原因是,珍諾是美國人

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‪“甚麼?不是吧!”多元化,不客氣

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‪那取決於疫情,我們澳洲封關了

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‪所以珍諾的家人朋友
‪無法前來參加我們的婚禮

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‪很遺憾

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‪可是,真的嗎?

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‪關於婚禮文化,有一點我搞不清楚

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‪就是求婚的壓力

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‪從訂婚到結婚那一刻

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‪就像會陰般那麼狹小的時間縫內...

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‪就是這樣,會陰般狹小的時間縫

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‪那不是終點,但置身其中很令人興奮

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‪在...

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‪在會陰般那麼狹小的時間縫內

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‪大家只想知道:“妳怎麼求婚的?”

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‪我說:“你不想知道她的名字嗎?”

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‪就像:“不,誰在乎這個?”

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‪顯然求婚理應在沙灘
‪或在日落時分,或甚麼狗屁東西

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‪日落我認同,日落很美妙
‪但沙灘嗎?滾蛋吧

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‪我討厭沙灘

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‪我不信任沙

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‪我不信,沙總不在說好的地方

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‪我保證,在去沙灘的六個月後

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‪我身上會出現奶白珍珠

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‪細想之下
‪那是另一個會陰小笑話,對吧?

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‪含“鮑”待放的小鑽石

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‪顯然,求婚應該是盛大而浪漫的舉動

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‪辦得盛大,或者自己滾回家去

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‪對吧?

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‪而我不懂浪漫這東西在求婚這回事上

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‪到底要放哪裏

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‪因為據我理解

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‪求婚說得再好聽
‪頂多是逆向工程下的自發舉動

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‪說得難聽起來,就是突襲

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‪最好的情況是,伴侶間至少開會談過

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‪他們開了會,制訂了計劃
‪他們提出要提親,那也很奇怪

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‪然後他們制訂待辦事項清單

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‪配以道具和目標地點

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‪也許是個沙灘

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‪然後他們其中一個
‪開始劃掉清單上的待辦事項

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‪另外一個開始忘記這些事項曾出現過

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‪所以當求婚之日終於到臨

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‪他們就像這樣:“天啊!太驚訝了

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‪看看那枚戒指!天啊!
‪我從沒見過比它更美的東西!”

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‪他媽的,夠了吧

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‪說實話,戒指是你選的!

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‪別再情緒勒索自己了

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‪太尷尬了

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‪但那已是最好的情況

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‪因為他們也可以不舉行團隊會議

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‪他們之中的一個
‪想當然地自以為是他媽的理想伴侶

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‪多麼魯莽!而且...

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‪據我理解,在順性異性戀者的世界裏

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‪那是男的一方

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‪這樣一概而論很噁心,一點不錯

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‪但也是百分之百真確

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‪我自己研究過了

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‪也證實了我的偏見

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‪但就是男的一方,真有趣

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‪畢竟誰最能承受被拒絕?

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‪自以為是他媽的理想伴侶的男人

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‪所以那就是炮製歡樂時光的妙方
‪如果真有那種東西的話

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‪妳答應,我們就結婚去

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‪妳拒絕,我就跟蹤騷擾妳,多浪漫!

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‪這是陷阱

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‪謝謝,你們人真好

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‪你們就像受到指導一樣

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‪我向珍諾求婚

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‪這不是既定的,因為我不是男的一方

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‪我們的同志關係的確有所不同

195
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,040
‪也就是說,說到分工的基礎

196
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:08,760
‪只是各自的技能

197
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,280
‪以及誰承受得起累得仆街

198
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,600
‪而那行得通,真的

199
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,960
‪我們幾乎從不忘記倒垃圾

200
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,280
‪幾乎是每個星期

201
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,160
‪那時光很美妙

202
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:27,440
‪但我求婚了,我們也開了會

203
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:31,960
‪我們決定,好吧
‪我們希望有幸處理一些美妙行政事務

204
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,160
‪然後我們甚麼也沒做
‪我們太忙了,多典型!

205
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,920
‪對,最後我求婚了

206
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,000
‪而這並非...

207
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,200
‪這並非計劃好的

208
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,200
‪事情並不是,那天醒來
‪我就知道:“就是今天了”

209
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,560
‪我基本上突襲了我們兩個

210
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,480
‪看吧? 我沒有講辭,沒有戒指

211
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,360
‪也沒有目標地點

212
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,280
‪我沒有單膝下跪,去他的,我...

213
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,200
‪為甚麼?我做了三次膝蓋重建手術

214
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,240
‪膝蓋骨軟得像海綿

215
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:07,000
‪要我跪下來其實相當痛苦

216
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,520
‪所以我才不能睡男人

217
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,000
‪開玩笑的

218
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,560
‪那根本說不過去

219
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,240
‪更有說服力的理由一大堆

220
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,440
‪其實我是這樣求婚的,我是這樣做的

221
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,560
‪這很棒,很好的伸展運動

222
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,120
‪有人問:“妳做了三次膝蓋重建手術

223
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,320
‪妳是運動員嗎?”

224
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,960
‪我回答說:“不是,但你是偵探嗎?

225
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:45,920
‪你不怎麼樣嘛”

226
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,320
‪“妳打過籃網球吧,那個對膝蓋不好

227
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,240
‪妳打過籃網球吧”
‪滾蛋吧!我打過...不,我沒有

228
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,560
‪蕩婦才打籃網球

229
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,720
‪我才不打籃網球

230
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,160
‪我堅持,蕩婦才打籃網球

231
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:11,320
‪我要說清楚
‪我對籃網球和蕩婦都沒意見

232
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,640
‪老實說,我是籃網球和蕩婦的忠粉

233
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:18,920
‪我只是喜歡這樣說

234
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,680
‪這聽起來就是很順耳,對吧?

235
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,680
‪蕩婦才打籃網球

236
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,000
‪這很洗滌心靈,是我的神咒

237
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,920
‪它讓我度過了疫情

238
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:31,760
‪真的

239
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,720
‪像這樣:“我無法工作
‪蕩婦才打籃網球!加油!”

240
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,680
‪那段時光真美妙

241
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:44,520
‪我常常說這句話
‪問題是,珍諾不知道籃網球是甚麼

242
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,680
‪而我不會告訴她

243
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,040
‪因為你必須保持神秘感
‪你懂我的意思嗎?

244
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,000
‪即便我想要向她解釋籃網球是甚麼

245
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,440
‪該怎麼解釋?

246
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,440
‪“這和籃球很像

247
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,840
‪但一旦搶到球,地板就是岩漿了”

248
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,920
‪就是繫上圍兜的人跑來爬去

249
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,840
‪但不能像溜口水般溜球

250
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:12,360
‪而我不會帶她去看球賽,絕對不會

251
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,000
‪這東西實在太多了

252
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,080
‪從不間斷,就是...

253
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,240
‪珍諾是猶太人

254
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,120
‪我知道!

255
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,600
‪我知道

256
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,520
‪那真是...

257
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,480
‪說實在,我應該告訴你們原因
‪我傷患很多

258
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,680
‪因為我有所謂的“步態失調”

259
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:51,560
‪這是醫生的說法
‪醫生說這是“步態失調”

260
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,880
‪他不是婦科醫生,不是那種失調

261
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,240
‪那很不一樣

262
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,840
‪所以我才不能睡男人,那就像...

263
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,200
‪不是

264
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:08,800
‪我是這樣求婚的

265
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,120
‪求婚時,我居然恐慌症發作了

266
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,200
‪為什麼不行? 人生多美妙!

267
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,920
‪珍諾這樣說 ,當我情緒崩潰時

268
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,800
‪她總是這樣對我說

269
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,600
‪她說:“別恐慌”

270
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,720
‪單獨來看,那是屁話,不要那樣說

271
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:31,320
‪如果你看到有人恐慌症發作
‪不要說:“你在恐慌嗎?

272
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,880
‪你試過不要那樣嗎?”

273
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:36,320
‪那是屁話

274
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,960
‪但珍諾接下來的話,讓我恍然大悟

275
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,560
‪她說:“別恐慌,妳想當甚麼人?”

276
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,760
‪我的腦子聽進了這話,就像...

277
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,800
‪當我恐慌症發作時,在我腦子裏

278
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,680
‪我在想:“我要做甚麼?該做甚麼?

279
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,520
‪我該怎麼做?怎麼做才對?”

280
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,160
‪而她說:“停,甚麼人?

281
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,560
‪妳想當甚麼人?”

282
00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,480
‪我的腦子聽進了這話
‪就意識到:“這是個遊戲!”

283
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,720
‪我喜歡遊戲,恐慌結束了
‪我就是這麼簡單

284
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:11,160
‪而在那個特別的日子
‪她說:“妳想當甚麼人?”

285
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,200
‪然後我說

286
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,440
‪“妳的妻子”

287
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,320
‪我知道

288
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,840
‪我贊同你們

289
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:26,000
‪那很高明吧?

290
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,120
‪那勉強稱得上可愛

291
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,400
‪但這在風格守護者眼中顯然不夠

292
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:37,240
‪求婚風格守護者想要策劃的憑證

293
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,240
‪他們想要一點努力,一點故事情節

294
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:42,600
‪而這些我說不出來

295
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,360
‪如果我還要再說下去,肯定不妙

296
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,360
‪毫不浪漫,還有一宗死亡事件

297
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,720
‪我不會詳細說明
‪這是令人開懷的脫口秀

298
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,160
‪只想你們知道有那樣的事

299
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,480
‪這的確是開懷脫口秀,不是陷阱

300
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,800
‪我不會使用我的馳名招術

301
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,120
‪我讓你們墮進虛假的安全感覺中
‪你們覺得:“這感覺上很開懷”

302
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,920
‪然後我說:“不,不要開懷
‪難過吧,回家去,再難過點”,那...

303
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,960
‪不會發生在這裏
‪這真的是場開懷脫口秀

304
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:12,920
‪還是假的?

305
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,000
‪不,是真的

306
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,000
‪真的

307
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,200
‪我很樂意把這變成浪漫感人的故事

308
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,400
‪我是說真的,我也不想老是唱反調

309
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:25,800
‪但我沒辦法

310
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,040
‪我沒辦法把它變成感人的故事

311
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:32,360
‪那真令人失望,因為我很擅長講故事

312
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,680
‪老實說,我也算得上專業

313
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,600
‪但我辦不到,而珍諾無法講那個故事

314
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:43,040
‪因為她講故事很爛
‪在這方面,她真他媽的糟糕

315
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,880
‪公平點說,那不是我的個人意見

316
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,920
‪我很喜歡珍諾講那個故事的方式

317
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,600
‪那只是其餘所有曾見過她的人的意見

318
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,280
‪但我很喜歡她講故事的方式

319
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,720
‪現在我們的關係
‪已經進入會講情侶故事的階段

320
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,080
‪我知道,但...沒錯

321
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,160
‪而我會謙讓,真的
‪我說:“珍諾,妳來講”

322
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:09,400
‪然後你會看到恐懼降臨眾人臉上

323
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,000
‪他們說:“不要!妳理應要幫忙

324
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,240
‪妳是專業的”

325
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,040
‪我說:“我休假呢,老兄
‪說吧,珍諾”

326
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,040
‪我講故事的技巧來自我媽

327
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,720
‪她的故事講得很棒,簡直出類拔萃

328
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,160
‪我媽的特別之處,是她總是毫無例外

329
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,280
‪把故事像飛機般開到家

330
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,520
‪對吧? 這項技能棒呆了

331
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,040
‪但她的超能力

332
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:39,160
‪她講故事的超能力在於她真的很擅長

333
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,360
‪騎劫別人的故事航機

334
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,000
‪再往他們臉上開過去

335
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,040
‪這令人歎為觀止,卻也令人望而生畏

336
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,800
‪我很高興匯報
‪我媽和珍諾相處得很好

337
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,200
‪真令人寬慰,因為我沒有那種體格

338
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,920
‪處理那種緊張關係

339
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:03,400
‪如果我媽和我的伴侶相處不來
‪那就有人要離開

340
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,240
‪他們會的,我也分析過了

341
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,000
‪要離開的會是我

342
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,160
‪我是最弱勢的一個,千真萬確

343
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:18,480
‪那真令人寬慰

344
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,840
‪因為眾所周知,我媽不輕易喜歡人

345
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,720
‪我曾向她介紹一位女朋友

346
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,760
‪而她說:“我不喜歡她

347
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,280
‪也不必喜歡”

348
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,640
‪我知道,我說,“有道理,媽

349
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,240
‪但她就在那裏

350
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,880
‪我們可以稍後再說這個”,然後她...

351
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,320
‪而我並不孤單
‪我是五兄弟姐妹中最小的

352
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,320
‪我的兄姐們都經過一番迂迴
‪才讓配偶融入家庭

353
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,840
‪現在我姐夫和我媽關係融洽

354
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,400
‪但剛開始時很顛簸

355
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:02,040
‪因為他碰巧是愛爾蘭人,膚色很白

356
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,800
‪連我也覺得很白

357
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,640
‪而我白得像飛機上的煎蛋餅

358
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:06,560
‪但...

359
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:13,320
‪但他白得像晶瑩剔透的馬鈴薯
‪就是...令人歎為觀止

360
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,760
‪我媽開始叫他“鬼馬小精靈”

361
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,560
‪當她發現他不喜歡這稱呼
‪就更變本加厲了

362
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,240
‪有好幾年
‪他一直說:“我是有名字的”

363
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,840
‪而她說:“我不知道他有甚麼毛病

364
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,440
‪鬼馬小精靈鬼馬得很”

365
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,880
‪這就像事實與威脅的混合體

366
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:44,280
‪但我媽和珍諾一拍即合
‪她們是在我的一場演出後認識的

367
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,720
‪因為有趣的是,珍諾是我的製作人

368
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,240
‪她就在那裏

369
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:51,080
‪對

370
00:21:55,880 --> 00:22:01,440
‪如果你們在疑惑
‪這裏的權力平衡怎麼操作

371
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,160
‪當我在台上說我們的故事

372
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,920
‪珍諾全權控制燈光與音效

373
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:09,400
‪所以...

374
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:11,800
‪就是這樣

375
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:14,840
‪鬼馬的小精靈

376
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,400
‪她們在我的一場演出後相遇

377
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:21,480
‪珍諾是製作人,總是揹着背包

378
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:26,040
‪那是她的製作人風格
‪她總是揹着背包

379
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,440
‪生意就在那裏面,對吧?

380
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,680
‪所以我媽認識珍諾時

381
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:32,600
‪她揹着背包

382
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,760
‪我媽看了她一眼,然後說

383
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,680
‪“哈囉,愛探險的朵拉”

384
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,560
‪珍諾只是說:“謝謝

385
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:47,800
‪她懂我”

386
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:53,840
‪但那天晚上
‪我媽和珍諾在我聽不見的地方聊天

387
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,720
‪她們初次見面,我並不希望這樣

388
00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,840
‪如果由我來決定
‪我媽和珍諾將永不獨處,直到永遠

389
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,840
‪我媽有點太失控了,我不信任她

390
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:06,680
‪但她們立刻就這樣

391
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,200
‪但珍諾第二天給我完整報告

392
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,120
‪我說的完整報告,意思是

393
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:15,040
‪她一直重複我媽跟她說的話

394
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,920
‪一遍一遍又一遍

395
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,760
‪徒勞地希望有一天會悟出道理來

396
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:22,880
‪不

397
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,600
‪她說:“漢娜,妳媽媽告訴我”...

398
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:27,560
‪珍諾是美國人

399
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,840
‪但在我看來,她說話倒真像澳洲人

400
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:31,800
‪我想...

401
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,920
‪你們要花點腦力
‪因為我不會模仿那種口音

402
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:37,520
‪我沒有時間

403
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,360
‪我沒時間把舌頭捲了又捲

404
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,400
‪像那邊的人般
‪堅持捲得那麼明顯,煩死人

405
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:47,080
‪世上沒有另一個英語國家

406
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,960
‪在閒話家常時會用到“農村”這個詞

407
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,840
‪明明有更好的方式表達“不在城市裏”

408
00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:00,760
‪他們不管,總是捲着舌頭說
‪“我來自美國的農村”

409
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,880
‪我們卻說:“真的嗎,老兄?
‪我住在鄉郊荒野裏”

410
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:12,200
‪珍諾連唸我的名字
‪也要捲舌頭 “漢娜”

411
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:14,480
‪哪來的捲舌音

412
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,760
‪她捲着舌頭說:“漢娜...”
‪看吧,我不會模仿那口音

413
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:24,440
‪她說:“漢娜
‪妳媽告訴我她從銀行提款

414
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,640
‪來存錢...

415
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,280
‪弄牙齒”

416
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,520
‪“漢娜,她從銀行提款

417
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,120
‪來存錢弄牙齒”

418
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:42,560
‪“漢娜?漢娜?

419
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,920
‪妳在聽嗎?漢娜,妳媽

420
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:50,040
‪從銀行提款來存錢弄牙齒

421
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:53,280
‪妳懂的,那是三種不同概念
‪彼此毫無關聯

422
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,480
‪但在妳媽腦子裏面,它們有所關聯”

423
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,600
‪“漢娜,她從銀行提款

424
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,040
‪來存錢弄牙齒”

425
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,520
‪“漢娜,這根本毫無道理”

426
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,680
‪我心想:“我知道!”

427
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:14,320
‪多年來,我都在聽我媽
‪大談她的牙齒存錢計劃

428
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,400
‪每到養老金發放日
‪她都會厚顏地提取10或15元

429
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,280
‪放進特定的抽屜裏

430
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,640
‪她說:“因為如果
‪我把錢留在銀行,漢娜

431
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:27,800
‪我就會花掉它”

432
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,040
‪我記得當我媽弄到第一副假牙時

433
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,320
‪那是我人生中非常不安的時期

434
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:41,400
‪當時我十幾歲

435
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,240
‪她拿到假牙時

436
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,160
‪那假牙太大了

437
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,240
‪不知何故

438
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:51,600
‪她好幾年都沒有把假牙拿去調緊

439
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,880
‪所以它們總是嗒嗒作響

440
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,000
‪每當她眉飛色舞起來

441
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:02,080
‪上排假牙就會掉下來,令她面目全非

442
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,280
‪她會生氣

443
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,240
‪然後咧嘴而笑,笑得很燦爛

444
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:15,560
‪她會說:“你願意的話,可以離家了

445
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,640
‪這裏不歡迎你”

446
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:24,640
‪事情...

447
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,280
‪事情在她打哈欠時就更糟了

448
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,800
‪因為在她打哈欠時
‪上排假牙會掉下來

449
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,840
‪而下排會彈跳上去

450
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:38,360
‪兩排假牙會在中間相遇

451
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:43,560
‪你看過咬牙切齒地打哈欠的人嗎?

452
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,360
‪這簡直在本能層面上令人不安

453
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,840
‪因為他們的身體在說:“放鬆”

454
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,280
‪但他們的臉卻說:“我會宰了你”

455
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:03,640
‪但她喜歡珍諾

456
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,640
‪她說:“我喜歡她,她不是白癡”

457
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,280
‪那是至高無上的讚美

458
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:13,800
‪我必須問問我爸的想法

459
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,120
‪因為他不是洩密者
‪不會洩露自己情感的秘密

460
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,200
‪所以我問他...

461
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,360
‪剛才這句值更多掌聲
‪但隨你們喜歡吧

462
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,280
‪“洩露自己情感的秘密”,這我喜歡...

463
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,880
‪我們大概會剪掉這個
‪因為都沒有甚麼反應

464
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:31,320
‪這是你們對這場演出的感覺
‪我可無所謂

465
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,440
‪好吧,我們做到了

466
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,000
‪我說:“爸,你覺得珍諾怎麼樣?”

467
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,280
‪他說:“噢,對,對

468
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,200
‪對,我...總之

469
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,840
‪對,對,總之...

470
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,720
‪妳媽覺得怎麼樣?我大概...”

471
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,880
‪我爸不會講故事

472
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,520
‪就是這樣,我爸講故事最爛了

473
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,240
‪與此同時,我媽是最棒的

474
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,440
‪我最喜歡的娛樂之一

475
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,640
‪是看我爸在我媽面前試着講故事

476
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,000
‪因為那讓她抓狂

477
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,040
‪你可以看到她在發抖

478
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:17,120
‪蓄勢待發,伺機騎劫他的故事航機

479
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,280
‪但問題是
‪騎劫我爸的故事航機是不可能的

480
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:24,040
‪因為飛機從來不會他媽的離地起飛

481
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:28,880
‪從來不會

482
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:34,240
‪他會說:“我不知道有沒有告訴你
‪前幾天,我到商店去

483
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:35,880
‪買點牛奶,你懂嗎?

484
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:40,160
‪但我差不多6點45分才起牀

485
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,560
‪通常我的起牀時間大概是6點15分

486
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,360
‪或者5點45分左右吧,但我睡晚了

487
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,040
‪前幾天的晚上我睡得不安穩

488
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,200
‪因為瑪格麗特打電話來
‪我有點焦慮不安

489
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:53,720
‪第二天晚上總彌補不了睡眠不足

490
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:55,320
‪然後過了幾個晚上

491
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:59,560
‪所以我睡到大概6點45分,而...

492
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:04,200
‪那表示當我到商店去買牛奶時

493
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,920
‪上學時間的繁忙交通已襲來了,哎!

494
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,480
‪哎!我認為他們想做的

495
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,760
‪是試着避開滯留大路上的車龍

496
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:18,080
‪所以繞到我們家這邊來
‪我認為他們都在做這個

497
00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:21,080
‪大路空空如也,這裏車子那麼多”

498
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:23,440
‪而你看我媽,她像這樣...

499
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,040
‪“閉嘴好嗎?”

500
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:30,800
‪而我爸說 :“我在試着講故事”

501
00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:33,720
‪她說:“那不是講故事,羅傑

502
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,400
‪你只是在列舉你記得的事實

503
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,240
‪好讓你成為非常沉悶的男人”

504
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:44,200
‪好殘忍!

505
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:51,480
‪我爸不會太難過
‪他說:“總之,要不要喝杯茶?

506
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:53,720
‪我買了牛奶”

507
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,960
‪他是個十分溫和的男人,十分溫和

508
00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,920
‪我爸媽的教養方法基本上是

509
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,800
‪扮黑臉,扮睡臉

510
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:06,760
‪他們就是這樣操作的

511
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:09,120
‪爸爸從不對我們這些孩子大叫大嚷

512
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:13,480
‪他說話很輕柔
‪真的只有那麼一次,他大聲叫嚷

513
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:15,960
‪令人震驚,我畢生難忘

514
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:20,160
‪這跟我認識的他截然不同

515
00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:22,240
‪事情是這樣的

516
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,080
‪他弄掉了一點起司

517
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:28,080
‪被狗叼去了

518
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:31,360
‪那是他的底線

519
00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,200
‪那塊起司根本不是甚麼上等貨色
‪你知道嗎?

520
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,080
‪不過是普通的車打起司

521
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,400
‪但那是他的起司

522
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:41,880
‪而他弄掉了

523
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:43,520
‪被狗叼去了

524
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:46,760
‪他就嚷:“滾蛋,你這狗雜種!

525
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,640
‪快去!快!放下!”

526
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:52,640
‪那狗就這樣...

527
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:59,160
‪我哥和我在那裏:“你到底是誰?”

528
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,240
‪我爸說:“對,真該死”

529
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,000
‪我必須吐露心聲
‪我們大概會剪掉這段

530
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:12,600
‪這脫口秀已經巡迴演出一年了

531
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,400
‪我每天晚上都承諾做好這件事

532
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,080
‪吞下

533
00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:20,960
‪那塊虛構的起司

534
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:25,520
‪而我的大腦在說
‪“不要!它掉到地上了”

535
00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,720
‪但它沒有,它都不是真的

536
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,400
‪在我腦海裏,我並不在乎

537
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:37,360
‪我不能假裝吞下那塊虛構的起司

538
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,600
‪大概因為這樣,我才不能睡男人

539
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:43,760
‪喂!

540
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:44,840
‪不是

541
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:51,880
‪根本毫無道理

542
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:59,080
‪我在珍諾之前有過很多女朋友

543
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:02,200
‪我不是在炫耀,但真的很多,早咯

544
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:07,080
‪我從沒打算當籃網球蕩婦

545
00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:12,600
‪我只是不太擅長透過交談建立關係

546
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:18,400
‪但原來那是一段關係裏的重要部分

547
00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:20,560
‪沒甚麼驚心動魄的事

548
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:24,960
‪我大部分的關係都止於互相厭倦

549
00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:29,280
‪有次我因為被抓到說謊而被拋棄

550
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:32,800
‪我個人來說其實很高興

551
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,000
‪因為我說謊真的很不在行

552
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:41,160
‪我不能假裝吞下虛構的起司
‪然後不告訴你們,我...

553
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:43,960
‪所以要我說謊

554
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:48,280
‪然後堅持得夠久,足以構成背叛信任

555
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:52,440
‪那感覺像是成熟的徵兆,你懂嗎?

556
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:55,560
‪就像:“終有一天我會成為真男兒”
‪你懂嗎?

557
00:32:57,240 --> 00:32:59,360
‪讓我告訴你們發生甚麼事
‪你們變得冷冰冰了

558
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,080
‪“我以為我們能信任你們”

559
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:06,680
‪當時,我女朋友問我
‪要不要冰淇淋糕點

560
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,320
‪我知道,賭注真大

561
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:14,280
‪我表示贊同,因為我想要冰淇淋糕點

562
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:16,720
‪謊言不是這個,我不是怪物

563
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:19,760
‪但我是這樣表示贊同的

564
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:23,480
‪我說:“好,我高點,你高點
‪吃過糕點變高點”

565
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:27,840
‪她說:“嘩! 是妳剛剛編的嗎?”

566
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,880
‪“是的,沒錯”,我知道

567
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:40,040
‪有何不可?

568
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:45,240
‪我真的相信我很快會自己認錯

569
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,440
‪對吧?我不覺得我能堅持那個謊言

570
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:53,040
‪但接着我拿到糕點
‪很是分心,然後我忘了

571
00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,760
‪六個月後,她發現...

572
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,920
‪原來我並非天才詩人

573
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,920
‪她很生氣

574
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:07,400
‪她說:“妳對我說謊

575
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:11,800
‪我還怎能再相信妳?妳對我說謊”

576
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:16,880
‪最後,我說:“老實說
‪我不認為我有必要

577
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:20,600
‪為妳在常識方面的重大缺陷負責”

578
00:34:23,240 --> 00:34:24,240
‪我知道

579
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:32,040
‪我想那屬於不擅長透過交談建立關係

580
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:37,000
‪我最糟的那次分手,是我分的手

581
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:39,720
‪那真的很糟,因為最終分不了

582
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:45,360
‪我跟女朋友分了手,但甚麼都沒發生

583
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:49,200
‪一切完全保持原狀

584
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:52,600
‪就像玩逆向失蹤,那還真激烈

585
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:57,920
‪我很震驚
‪又過了一星期,我再次試着分手

586
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:01,520
‪我說:“我不想要這段關係了”

587
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:03,720
‪而她說:“對,但我想”

588
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:08,120
‪我說:“我看不是這樣操作的吧

589
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:11,240
‪我想我們都必須是‘正’

590
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,280
‪否則就是‘負’

591
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,080
‪因為承諾這回事像乘數一樣”

592
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:20,200
‪她說:“對,這對妳來說奏效嗎?”

593
00:35:20,720 --> 00:35:21,920
‪我知道

594
00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:27,160
‪老實說,我不記得
‪這段關係最終如何結束

595
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,200
‪我是說,我想我們分手了

596
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:35,680
‪但我對那段時期的記憶有點模糊

597
00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:38,320
‪那是二十多年前的事了,已經很久了

598
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:40,720
‪而那並不是我人生的美好時光

599
00:35:40,720 --> 00:35:43,640
‪但狗屁事情和狗屁人生的問題是

600
00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:45,840
‪當你的人生很狗屁時

601
00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:48,440
‪你的大腦永遠不會想到
‪“我們來記住這一切

602
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,880
‪牢牢記住一切
‪以後拿來當作緬懷的盛宴”

603
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,000
‪不,那只是混濁軟爛的記憶稀飯

604
00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,920
‪你只會他媽的把它倒掉
‪隨便啦,對吧?

605
00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:58,520
‪那是記憶稀飯,對吧?

606
00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:02,080
‪關於那段關係
‪我只對一件事記憶鮮明

607
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:04,560
‪那就像電影預告片一樣

608
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,280
‪讓人看得眼花撩亂的電影預告片

609
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,360
‪看到了最後,你只有疑問一大推

610
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:15,440
‪而完全沒有意欲去看
‪那部他媽的狗屁作品

611
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:17,440
‪就是這種感覺

612
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,160
‪是這樣,我們深夜裏開車

613
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:22,080
‪開車的是我女朋友,不是我

614
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,320
‪在車裏就是這樣

615
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:25,320
‪然後...

616
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:29,600
‪我不知道我們自哪裏來
‪或要到哪裏去

617
00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:33,600
‪但那是條小路,非常昏暗
‪車頭燈就是唯一的燈光

618
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:35,640
‪路沒有鋪好,所以滿布碎石

619
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:38,840
‪而且她挺喜歡超前的
‪所以超速了,嗯?

620
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:41,680
‪突然,她猛然剎車

621
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:45,440
‪卡車在路上像魚般不斷擺尾
‪太可怕了

622
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:50,720
‪然後它旋轉了整整360度
‪才在一片塵土飛揚中停下來

623
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:52,160
‪但她早就奪門而出

624
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,680
‪甚至是在我意識到車子停下來之前

625
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,040
‪我完全不知道怎麼回事

626
00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,600
‪她跑到卡車前頭,彎下身去

627
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,400
‪我看不見她,就說:“怎麼回事?”

628
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:05,720
‪當她站起來時

629
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:10,280
‪她提着一隻死兔子的耳朵

630
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,240
‪對,我知道,聽聽你們自己的聲音

631
00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:17,680
‪那是一群充滿女同志的觀眾的反應

632
00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:19,520
‪不是嗎?

633
00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:23,120
‪小兔子受傷,你們說:“糟糕得很”

634
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,480
‪但我一步一步帶你們經歷
‪近乎虐待的關係時

635
00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:29,280
‪你們看來倒是沒甚麼

636
00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:31,080
‪那就對了

637
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:37,640
‪死兔子?

638
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:44,880
‪總之,她舉起死兔子,還在微笑

639
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,680
‪我很困惑.不知道應該有何感想

640
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:53,160
‪但我不認為喜悅會排在首位

641
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,120
‪而她說:“這一撞還真乾脆俐落”

642
00:37:57,080 --> 00:38:00,440
‪我知道,我說
‪“我們在玩遊戲嗎?我都不知道”

643
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:04,120
‪而她說:“我要把牠帶回家給狗狗”

644
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,080
‪我說:“不,他媽的,走吧”

645
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:10,200
‪然後她說了我所聽過最可怕的話

646
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:11,760
‪她說

647
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:14,720
‪“我想現在來剝皮”

648
00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:21,080
‪我說:“不要,為甚麼?

649
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:22,680
‪要怎麼做?”

650
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:25,400
‪然後我知道了

651
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:31,920
‪她又彎下身去,我看不見她
‪就說:“他媽的,到底怎麼回事?”

652
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:34,680
‪她站起來時

653
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:39,560
‪嘴裏咬着小兔子的腳踝

654
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:41,320
‪對,閉上他媽的嘴

655
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,920
‪你們之後又不用親吻她

656
00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:44,840
‪我知道

657
00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:48,080
‪她說

658
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:50,640
‪我在試着咬緊一點

659
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:53,440
‪你看到了,你聽到...

660
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:58,800
‪然後她就這樣撕開牠

661
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:02,240
‪只是一個流暢的動作,就像...

662
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:08,960
‪那是我看過最不可思議
‪最糟糕的屁事

663
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:12,160
‪就像你能想像的最爛的魔術花招

664
00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:15,560
‪因為沒有使用甚麼巧妙手法

665
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,000
‪你甚麼都能看見

666
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,320
‪但那還是個花招

667
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:23,480
‪因為她說:“我有兔子一隻

668
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,160
‪現在有兩隻了

669
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,320
‪其中一隻是紅色的”

670
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,040
‪我知道

671
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,160
‪你們不會看那部電影吧?

672
00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:38,280
‪那有點陰沉了,我認同

673
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,400
‪那是這場演出
‪最陰沉的部分了,好嗎?

674
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,400
‪都結束了,現在光明一片

675
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:49,560
‪我遇見了珍諾,那真令人安慰
‪因為不然的話...

676
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:52,360
‪這場演出
‪是明目張膽的釣魚交友會,對吧?

677
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:55,960
‪我在人生中很不尋常的時期認識她

678
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:57,800
‪她那時擔任現場製作人

679
00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:01,480
‪負責我的《最後一擊》外百老匯公演

680
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:05,320
‪她是我下飛機後第一個認識的美國人

681
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,840
‪我似乎只說:“來吧,妳就可以了”

682
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:10,880
‪不,我有調情

683
00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:12,400
‪我說:“妳好,女士”

684
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:15,080
‪那效果很好

685
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:18,400
‪但是,大概是六個月吧
‪我們認識大概六個月後

686
00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:22,040
‪Netflix那事情完全顛覆了我的人生

687
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:26,680
‪事後,我意識到我沒有善用那六個月

688
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:29,080
‪我都在小睡,你們知道嗎?

689
00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,760
‪我是乏睡工嘛,就是要睡,不然呢?

690
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:35,840
‪我意識到那六個月其實應該做甚麼

691
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:38,960
‪我真該為成名作準備

692
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:42,920
‪你不能像我一樣冷不防地栽進那屁事

693
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,640
‪因為它會搞砸你
‪你會搞砸它,懂嗎?

694
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,200
‪老實說,你必須為成名作準備

695
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:51,120
‪要是你想從這場演出中領悟些甚麼
‪就領悟這一點

696
00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,320
‪為成名作準備,確保自己準備充足

697
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:55,080
‪為成名作好準備

698
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:59,120
‪別擔心天災
‪不要,只要為成名作準備就好

699
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,640
‪別指望會成名,那很噁心,但就是...

700
00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:05,720
‪萬一你發現自己僥倖成名了

701
00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:07,280
‪你最好已經作好準備

702
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:11,320
‪因為我沒有,所以弄得一塌糊塗
‪一點不錯

703
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:15,000
‪如果我有為成名作好準備
‪當我遇見露比蘿絲

704
00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:19,080
‪而她說覺得我有多棒時

705
00:41:19,080 --> 00:41:20,400
‪如果我有作好準備

706
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:23,200
‪我絕對不會當着她的面發笑

707
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,200
‪我不知道自己那樣做是甚麼意思
‪那不是惡意的

708
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:30,800
‪我想我忘了她不是畫像,你懂嗎?

709
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:35,320
‪“你怎麼跟我說話?這是巫術!”

710
00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:39,080
‪如果我有為成名作好準備

711
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,480
‪當我遇上茱迪福士打...

712
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:43,280
‪對

713
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:48,440
‪不妙,那其實是
‪我第二次遇上茱迪福士打

714
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:52,120
‪那天剛好是我的生日

715
00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:53,600
‪這點我肯定知道

716
00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:56,040
‪那應該在意料之中,對吧?

717
00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:58,000
‪意料之外的

718
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,920
‪是茱迪福士打也知道那天是我的生日

719
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:04,560
‪那當然也很棒
‪但宏觀一點看的話,就有點詭異了

720
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:08,960
‪但她帶着要送我的禮物前來

721
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:11,640
‪我知道

722
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:17,000
‪茱迪他媽的福士打送我生日禮物

723
00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:19,320
‪我知道!

724
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:23,160
‪我知道!

725
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,440
‪上文下理線索

726
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:28,320
‪並非好東西

727
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:30,600
‪我搞砸了,記得嗎?

728
00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:34,840
‪我收到生日禮物,而且禮物很棒

729
00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:36,920
‪是香蕉拼字遊戲,我他媽的...

730
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:38,520
‪那禮物很棒

731
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:40,840
‪我喜歡遊戲,我喜歡文字

732
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:42,800
‪我喜歡輕便旅行小包

733
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,120
‪我愛我的高鉀隱喻

734
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:47,320
‪那禮物能給的東西無窮無盡

735
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:51,240
‪如果我有為成名作好準備
‪我會收下禮物

736
00:42:51,240 --> 00:42:54,760
‪然後說:“哎呀,謝謝妳
‪妳太客氣了,妳真慷慨

737
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,760
‪妳是下任女王嗎?”

738
00:42:57,480 --> 00:42:58,440
‪諸如此類

739
00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:01,480
‪但我沒有準備好

740
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:02,880
‪你知道我說了甚麼嗎?

741
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,240
‪“我已經有香蕉拼字遊戲了”

742
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:11,760
‪我知道

743
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:18,200
‪這像是說:“你來晚了,下次請趕早”

744
00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:21,040
‪潛台詞是這樣

745
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:27,080
‪如果我有為成名作好準備
‪當我遇見李察寇蒂斯

746
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,320
‪我就會知道他是他媽的哪根蔥了

747
00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:34,000
‪我就會知道,就是他創造了

748
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:37,760
‪《摘星奇緣》和《真的戀愛了》
‪等浪漫經典

749
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,640
‪所以如果我有作好準備

750
00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:44,000
‪當他問我最喜歡哪部浪漫喜劇時

751
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,600
‪我或者就能說出巧妙得體的答案了

752
00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:49,720
‪也許是他的一部電影

753
00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:52,080
‪但我沒有準備好
‪你知道我說了甚麼嗎?

754
00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:54,760
‪“我不喜歡浪漫喜劇”

755
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:00,080
‪我知道

756
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:04,680
‪李察對名氣這回事駕輕就熟
‪那一刻,他優雅又豁達

757
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:08,440
‪他眼睛也不眨一下,就轉換話題

758
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:12,400
‪他為我鋪好康莊大道
‪讓我逃離我剛營造的尷尬境地

759
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,840
‪一條我沒有踏上的康莊大道

760
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:22,040
‪他說:“沒關係,各人口味不同

761
00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:26,040
‪但妳為甚麼如此不喜歡浪漫喜劇?”

762
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:27,600
‪而我說

763
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:30,880
‪“我不喜歡接吻的聲音”

764
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,400
‪我不知道為甚麼

765
00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:38,800
‪老實說,我不...

766
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,000
‪後見之明並非總是十全十美

767
00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:46,920
‪現在回想起來
‪我還是不知道自己為何那樣說

768
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:55,760
‪邂逅珍諾時
‪我的人生尚有另一件麻煩事

769
00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:59,720
‪就是我沒多久前剛被診斷患有自閉症

770
00:44:59,720 --> 00:45:02,680
‪而我基本上還在思索
‪這件事對我而言意味着甚麼

771
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:05,400
‪說明白一點,這很大程度上意味着

772
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:08,040
‪我不喜歡接吻的聲音

773
00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:12,120
‪當珍諾和我相遇時

774
00:45:12,120 --> 00:45:15,480
‪我仍然在非常崎嶇的學習之路上
‪掙扎着搞清楚自己在譜系上的位置

775
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:17,200
‪後來發生的是

776
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:19,520
‪我們一起工作,一起學習

777
00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:22,600
‪結果我原來相當有福氣

778
00:45:23,120 --> 00:45:28,560
‪因為我原來需要別人幫忙看看

779
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,920
‪因為我不知道我自己在搞甚麼鬼

780
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:33,800
‪大部分時間如是

781
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:39,160
‪珍諾會陪我經歷同樣的事

782
00:45:39,680 --> 00:45:42,400
‪然後我們會回家作事後檢討

783
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,400
‪我會說:“事情就是這樣的”

784
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:49,160
‪珍諾會說
‪“妳到底他媽的神遊去哪裏了?”

785
00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:54,280
‪我知道

786
00:45:55,160 --> 00:46:01,040
‪讓我舉一個很好的例子
‪我的感官構造有別於常人

787
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:04,800
‪其中一個古怪之處
‪是我的手掌敏感得誇張

788
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:06,240
‪而那有點煩人

789
00:46:06,240 --> 00:46:07,560
‪情況是

790
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:10,840
‪當我握着細小而奇形怪狀的東西

791
00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:14,720
‪我會變得暴躁,甚至憤怒

792
00:46:14,720 --> 00:46:17,440
‪所以我才不能睡男人,真的

793
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:20,440
‪不是!

794
00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:25,760
‪那根本毫無道理,你們卻照單全收

795
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:30,520
‪我還真喜歡說
‪“細小而奇形怪狀”,真好玩

796
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:33,280
‪我可以握這細小而奇形怪狀的東西

797
00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:36,320
‪然後我憤怒起來,必須馬上放開它

798
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:38,040
‪嗯? 我就這樣...

799
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:44,560
‪我對珍諾說
‪“我總弄掉很多東西,很笨手笨腳”

800
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:48,280
‪她說:“不,那個不是妳掉的

801
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:51,760
‪看它離妳多遠”

802
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:55,280
‪那真的深深影響

803
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:58,520
‪我和茱迪福士打的初次相遇

804
00:47:00,840 --> 00:47:04,560
‪她來看表演,然後到後臺來聊聊天

805
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:05,680
‪多麼榮幸!

806
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:08,880
‪對吧?那真的很美妙,我們一直聊天

807
00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:10,560
‪而在聊天期間

808
00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:15,160
‪她在一小塊卡紙片上
‪把電話號碼寫下來給我,對吧?

809
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:16,320
‪我接過了,然後...

810
00:47:16,320 --> 00:47:19,640
‪當然不是那樣子
‪那很專業,是項公事

811
00:47:20,160 --> 00:47:23,480
‪那不是...她不是...她結婚了,沒關係

812
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:26,600
‪然而,我現在說出來,其實我不確定

813
00:47:30,080 --> 00:47:32,160
‪反正如今為時已晚,不是嗎?

814
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,400
‪不,絕對只是專業層面
‪她寫下電話號碼

815
00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:38,320
‪我想是吧

816
00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:40,320
‪我接過了,我們聊着聊着

817
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:42,440
‪然後我開始蹂躪那張卡片

818
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:45,320
‪還他媽的當着她的面

819
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,720
‪就像是說:“謝謝妳的電話號碼
‪這是我的意見”

820
00:47:47,720 --> 00:47:49,320
‪我沒察覺自己那樣做

821
00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:52,280
‪這段來自珍諾事後的證人報告

822
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:54,920
‪我只是剛巧處於那個狀況

823
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:59,760
‪嗯?然後我他媽的當着她的面搞爛了

824
00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:02,520
‪然後我跑去把它丟掉

825
00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:06,480
‪還他媽的當着她的面

826
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:12,520
‪然後我覺得手被往後拉,我轉過身去

827
00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:15,920
‪珍諾在那裏說:“讓我拿去
‪我會存放在背包裏”

828
00:48:15,920 --> 00:48:17,600
‪那...

829
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:18,960
‪我知道!

830
00:48:21,720 --> 00:48:23,000
‪真了不起!

831
00:48:24,720 --> 00:48:27,120
‪簡直一流

832
00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:30,320
‪我們的關係基本上就是這樣運作的

833
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:32,560
‪就像玩冰壺一樣

834
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:36,040
‪對,那種可愛的冬季運動

835
00:48:36,680 --> 00:48:38,160
‪我是那個巨型冰壺

836
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,080
‪每天早上,我們舉行團隊會議說

837
00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:44,480
‪“今天妳必須去這個地方

838
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:47,840
‪這是妳應有的速度
‪這是妳要走的路線

839
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:50,400
‪這些是妳在途中可能會碰到的東西”

840
00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:52,040
‪然後我們把我送出去

841
00:48:52,040 --> 00:48:54,680
‪而我甚麼也他媽的做不了

842
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:01,960
‪珍諾就在前方努力...

843
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:10,920
‪她很勤勞

844
00:49:10,920 --> 00:49:12,680
‪我總是擔憂

845
00:49:12,680 --> 00:49:18,200
‪在我們之間
‪刷冰方對冰壺方的照顧太過單向

846
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:20,120
‪我想要幫珍諾

847
00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:22,680
‪我想要像她照顧我那樣照顧她

848
00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:26,640
‪但問題是,珍諾能幹得驚人

849
00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:28,440
‪方方面面!

850
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:30,720
‪而我不是

851
00:49:31,240 --> 00:49:32,800
‪我擅長這個

852
00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:34,640
‪這個我拿手得要死

853
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:36,880
‪但這演出的問題是

854
00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:39,600
‪它不會出現在野外

855
00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:43,400
‪也不會出現在任何其他地方

856
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:47,800
‪它的出現,完全只是因為珍諾的製作

857
00:49:50,960 --> 00:49:52,280
‪我想掌聲是獻給妳的

858
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:57,800
‪有時我會試試看

859
00:49:58,320 --> 00:50:02,240
‪有時我會試着替珍諾刷冰打點
‪我試着當英雄

860
00:50:02,240 --> 00:50:05,240
‪而毫無例外

861
00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:06,400
‪我搞砸了

862
00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:11,120
‪但有那麼一次 ,我試着當英雄

863
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:12,800
‪我還是搞砸了

864
00:50:13,320 --> 00:50:18,120
‪但我搞砸得很悲壯、很徹底

865
00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:22,040
‪以致我繞了一圈
‪居然反過來在成功背上推了一把

866
00:50:22,560 --> 00:50:24,640
‪真的,難以置信

867
00:50:24,640 --> 00:50:28,120
‪那件事發生在我們外出遛狗時,嗯?

868
00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:30,480
‪我有兩隻狗,我們帶牠們去散步

869
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:34,080
‪珍諾走在很前面
‪她比我領先很多,嗯?

870
00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:37,000
‪而我...我走路很慢,好吧?

871
00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:39,440
‪我們剛開始一起溜狗時

872
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:41,240
‪她從不離開我左右

873
00:50:41,240 --> 00:50:44,320
‪因為她害怕我的狗會去抓兔子

874
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:47,120
‪我要說:“看看我的狗”

875
00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:48,600
‪牠們...

876
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:51,960
‪似乎那大青蛙瑞典廚師操了一隻綿羊

877
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:53,200
‪牠們...

878
00:50:54,200 --> 00:50:57,640
‪我的狗不會去抓兔子

879
00:50:57,640 --> 00:50:59,840
‪有一次我看到我的狗追趕兔子

880
00:50:59,840 --> 00:51:02,400
‪那隻兔子感到很無聊

881
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,520
‪對吧? 所以她終於冷靜下來

882
00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:09,040
‪她明白到我的狗不會去抓兔子

883
00:51:09,040 --> 00:51:12,320
‪於是她開始以自己的步速前進

884
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:15,920
‪而我落後很多,對吧?

885
00:51:16,720 --> 00:51:20,200
‪因為我走得慢
‪但也因為我有個難題要處理

886
00:51:20,200 --> 00:51:23,200
‪而我無法邊走路邊思考

887
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:25,880
‪那是步態失調的症狀之一

888
00:51:26,720 --> 00:51:27,760
‪我們走在這條路上

889
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:30,520
‪在說下去前,我要補充一下背景資料

890
00:51:30,520 --> 00:51:32,920
‪珍諾和我一起完成了世界巡迴演出

891
00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:36,960
‪然後一起回來澳洲放鬆休息一下

892
00:51:38,120 --> 00:51:39,120
‪我在努力捲舌了

893
00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:42,680
‪珍諾只打算來幾個星期,你知道嗎?

894
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:44,720
‪但那是2020年3月的事

895
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:48,000
‪對吧?所以珍諾和新伴侶

896
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:51,960
‪在陌生的新地方開展好玩的小假期

897
00:51:52,880 --> 00:51:56,680
‪但那很快變成了
‪鄉郊荒野人質挾持事件

898
00:51:57,600 --> 00:51:58,760
‪對吧?

899
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:03,160
‪大體上,我們安然度過疫情

900
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:06,680
‪就是,高低起伏
‪蕩婦才打籃網球,諸如此類

901
00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:11,400
‪但我們玩了很多遊戲
‪嗯?我們都喜歡玩遊戲

902
00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:14,360
‪不是心理遊戲,是單純的遊戲

903
00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:17,440
‪我跟珍諾玩了首局“猜猜我是誰”遊戲

904
00:52:17,440 --> 00:52:20,840
‪那令我眼界大開
‪小時候我們沒有這種遊戲

905
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,920
‪太花俏了,太多活動組件了
‪你懂我的意思吧?

906
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:27,360
‪我來自雙陸棋之家,嗯?
‪我他媽的愛死了雙陸棋

907
00:52:27,360 --> 00:52:28,960
‪放雙陸棋的手提箱

908
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:31,840
‪是我們屋子裏最華麗的家具

909
00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:36,160
‪看那雙色調褐色仿皮,多可人!

910
00:52:36,160 --> 00:52:39,360
‪我很喜歡那個雙陸棋手提箱
‪沒有人在下棋時

911
00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:42,960
‪我會帶着它滿屋走,邊說
‪“我有公事要辦”

912
00:52:44,680 --> 00:52:47,200
‪有一小段時間

913
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:49,600
‪我拿它當書包用

914
00:52:51,840 --> 00:52:54,800
‪“我不是去上學,是有公事要辦”

915
00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:57,640
‪被欺凌?當然了

916
00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:00,720
‪但美妙的是,我毫無知覺

917
00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:03,920
‪他們說:“書包真好看,白癡”

918
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:05,880
‪我說:“謝謝”

919
00:53:08,040 --> 00:53:10,800
‪情況演變到,我哥要把我拉到一旁說

920
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:14,200
‪“妳不能再拿那個上學了
‪連帶我也代妳被欺凌了”

921
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,760
‪我說:“但我有公事要辦”,在家裏

922
00:53:20,880 --> 00:53:22,720
‪我從不曾玩過“猜猜我是誰”

923
00:53:22,720 --> 00:53:26,080
‪而珍諾很好,主動提議教我
‪告訴我規則

924
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:28,400
‪而我非常傲慢地說:“不必了

925
00:53:29,200 --> 00:53:32,120
‪我看過廣告,那不過是孩子的遊戲”

926
00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:35,960
‪這是我在42歲時

927
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:39,160
‪玩“猜猜我是誰”的第一個提問

928
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:43,840
‪我說:“好吧,
‪今天是妳新工作的第一天”

929
00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:48,760
‪我知道

930
00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:50,760
‪情況越來越糟

931
00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:54,280
‪我說:“今天是妳新工作的第一天

932
00:53:54,280 --> 00:53:56,360
‪妳不知所措,要學的東西很多

933
00:53:56,360 --> 00:53:58,640
‪妳不斷犯錯,大家都很友善

934
00:53:58,640 --> 00:54:02,520
‪但妳不確定
‪他們慷慨大方的精神能維持多久

935
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:05,400
‪尤其因為妳不斷叫錯他們的名字

936
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:07,920
‪現在是上午茶時間,妳來到休息室

937
00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:11,400
‪妳為自己泡了一杯茶
‪讓自己冷靜下來,整理思緒

938
00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:13,840
‪然後妳的角色帶着這張臉走進來

939
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:15,520
‪你想打那人巴掌嗎?”

940
00:54:19,040 --> 00:54:19,920
‪我知道

941
00:54:23,200 --> 00:54:24,400
‪珍諾回答說

942
00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:25,640
‪“不”

943
00:54:26,560 --> 00:54:28,560
‪還有“嘩”

944
00:54:29,720 --> 00:54:33,600
‪然後她說:“漢娜
‪我想我們看人臉的方式不一樣

945
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:38,760
‪那張臉有甚麼毛病
‪令妳那麼想打巴掌?”

946
00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:41,960
‪我說:“這問題問得真好
‪謝謝你的提問”

947
00:54:41,960 --> 00:54:43,800
‪我再看看,然後說

948
00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:46,240
‪“對,其實挺多角色的臉都有這毛病

949
00:54:47,520 --> 00:54:48,440
‪我懂了

950
00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:51,040
‪妳能看到那人的牙齒嗎?”

951
00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:55,920
‪珍諾回應說:“妳是說

952
00:54:56,640 --> 00:54:58,200
‪那人在微笑嗎?”

953
00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:05,720
‪我知道

954
00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:10,360
‪原來我覺得友善是種威脅

955
00:55:11,880 --> 00:55:15,600
‪那可能和我的自閉症有關

956
00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:17,880
‪但也可能是

957
00:55:17,880 --> 00:55:20,560
‪和我媽配戴巨大假牙的那幾年有關

958
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:23,240
‪不是嗎?先天與後天

959
00:55:24,360 --> 00:55:25,600
‪我們永遠摸不清

960
00:55:29,480 --> 00:55:33,280
‪所以我安然度過疫情
‪謝謝問候,我...

961
00:55:33,280 --> 00:55:37,760
‪我不太需要人際互動
‪來滋養靈魂,對吧?

962
00:55:38,280 --> 00:55:42,920
‪這很丟臉,但我承認我從沒考慮過

963
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:48,320
‪這對珍諾而言或許是截然不同的體驗

964
00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:55,280
‪她是美國人,身在他鄉
‪在全球疫情下被困

965
00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:59,280
‪身陷鄉郊荒野,我堅持這樣稱呼此地

966
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:02,560
‪對吧?我就是沒這樣想過

967
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:07,880
‪直到有一天我偶然聽到
‪她和我其中一隻狗對話

968
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:10,840
‪那應該就是個警號了

969
00:56:12,200 --> 00:56:13,400
‪但不知何故,那並不是

970
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:16,120
‪嗯?她說:“道格斯

971
00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:19,480
‪疫情前我沒有時間照顧狗

972
00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:21,160
‪照顧你很費心費力

973
00:56:22,520 --> 00:56:24,720
‪但現在,你是我最好的朋友”

974
00:56:25,600 --> 00:56:26,600
‪我知道

975
00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:28,480
‪賈斯帕就在那裏

976
00:56:29,440 --> 00:56:30,640
‪我知道

977
00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:35,760
‪不,沒關係
‪牠是被救回來的,知道自己的位置

978
00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:42,680
‪這是你能在充滿女同志的觀眾面前
‪開得最前衛的玩笑了

979
00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:43,600
‪不是嗎?

980
00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:45,960
‪這就像在欺壓獲救的動物

981
00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:47,040
‪尖酸刻薄壞蛋王!

982
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:51,520
‪開玩笑而起,我很愛牠
‪牠是我的獲救小王子,別擔心

983
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:52,440
‪總之...

984
00:56:54,840 --> 00:57:00,920
‪我聽到那些話了,而我有點吃驚

985
00:57:00,920 --> 00:57:04,800
‪我不喜歡聽到那些話
‪因為我是珍諾的伴侶

986
00:57:06,760 --> 00:57:08,200
‪我是她的僱主

987
00:57:11,280 --> 00:57:13,720
‪然後我從那段對話中發現

988
00:57:13,720 --> 00:57:16,160
‪我也擁有她最好的朋友

989
00:57:17,080 --> 00:57:23,080
‪我心想:“噢,那不妙
‪我不喜歡這種權力平衡”

990
00:57:23,080 --> 00:57:25,600
‪所以我就在那一刻決定了

991
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:30,960
‪我說:“幫珍諾與社區建立聯繫
‪是我的責任”

992
00:57:30,960 --> 00:57:35,640
‪對吧?所以那天下午稍後時間
‪我們出去溜狗

993
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:40,120
‪珍諾與她最好的朋友道格斯遙遙領先

994
00:57:40,640 --> 00:57:42,680
‪而我遠遠落後

995
00:57:42,680 --> 00:57:47,200
‪幾乎停滯不前
‪因為那是個大難題,對吧?

996
00:57:47,200 --> 00:57:51,520
‪我能在社交上幫助任何人的想法
‪真是他媽的笑話

997
00:57:53,040 --> 00:57:56,680
‪當天我解決不了這件事
‪請別以為我們正朝那方向發展

998
00:57:56,680 --> 00:57:58,160
‪我解決不了這個問題

999
00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:02,000
‪六個月後我才終於解決了
‪真的,而且是在無意之中

1000
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:05,480
‪那是夾在變種病毒之間的時期

1001
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:08,760
‪就是那會陰般狹小的時間縫裏

1002
00:58:10,200 --> 00:58:11,720
‪當我們以為疫情已成過去

1003
00:58:11,720 --> 00:58:14,720
‪然後就來了“Omicron”,你懂吧?

1004
00:58:14,720 --> 00:58:16,080
‪當時我在超市裏

1005
00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:18,560
‪看到本地澳式足球隊招募隊員的海報

1006
00:58:18,560 --> 00:58:20,240
‪我心想:“就是這個了

1007
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:24,520
‪有甚麼比參與連看也沒看過的運動

1008
00:58:25,040 --> 00:58:27,560
‪更能讓一個美國人融入澳洲小鎮?”

1009
00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:30,880
‪我把海報拿回家,並說

1010
00:58:30,880 --> 00:58:33,200
‪“妳應該加入本地女子足球隊”

1011
00:58:33,200 --> 00:58:35,400
‪而她說:“你把海報拿走了”

1012
00:58:38,680 --> 00:58:41,960
‪我說:“對,事實,資訊”

1013
00:58:42,480 --> 00:58:45,640
‪而她說:“你不認為
‪也許還有別人想要這些資訊嗎?”

1014
00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:49,680
‪而我說:“我不知道
‪我不懂團隊如何運作”

1015
00:58:50,880 --> 00:58:53,600
‪但她確實加入了那個老虎隊

1016
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,560
‪你們知道她們球會的格言嗎?

1017
00:58:55,560 --> 00:58:57,640
‪“我們豈敢失敗?”

1018
00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:01,400
‪我們甚至不知道那句話該用於何時

1019
00:59:02,880 --> 00:59:06,280
‪是在賽前說,或是賽後說?

1020
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:11,760
‪說這句話的意圖是鼓勵、是譴責
‪還是兩者的神妙結合?

1021
00:59:11,760 --> 00:59:13,040
‪我不知道

1022
00:59:14,520 --> 00:59:15,600
‪真厲害

1023
00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:23,000
‪第一次訓練後,她回到家裏來

1024
00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:25,480
‪滿腹故事

1025
00:59:25,480 --> 00:59:27,640
‪我問:“怎麼樣?”而她說

1026
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:30,080
‪“他們不拿這項運動叫‘足球’

1027
00:59:30,080 --> 00:59:31,400
‪他們叫它‘橄欖球’

1028
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:34,760
‪而你不可以投擲橄欖球

1029
00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:37,600
‪卻可以把球摔在朋友身上”

1030
00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:40,760
‪然後她說:“我喜歡擒抱

1031
00:59:40,760 --> 00:59:43,720
‪但一聽見哨子響起,就必須放開

1032
00:59:43,720 --> 00:59:45,880
‪否則,對方就會獲得50米罰球

1033
00:59:45,880 --> 00:59:48,840
‪我不知道50米有多遠
‪所以那與我無關

1034
00:59:49,760 --> 00:59:53,600
‪我數了數,隊上有七個紅髮女郎
‪那似乎多得很

1035
00:59:53,600 --> 00:59:56,160
‪其中三人堅稱她們的頭髮是金紅色

1036
00:59:56,160 --> 00:59:57,800
‪但我不相信

1037
00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:00,360
‪還有一則趣聞

1038
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:03,040
‪只有百分之四十的隊員
‪看似知道妳是誰

1039
01:00:03,040 --> 01:00:06,080
‪剩下的百分之六十寧願談論馬鈴薯”

1040
01:00:06,920 --> 01:00:09,160
‪當我坐着聽珍諾的故事

1041
01:00:09,160 --> 01:00:12,600
‪我明白到珍諾的故事

1042
01:00:13,440 --> 01:00:14,880
‪令我着迷的原因

1043
01:00:14,880 --> 01:00:18,640
‪因為那並非講故事

1044
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:21,600
‪那其實是

1045
01:00:21,600 --> 01:00:23,760
‪列舉一堆事實

1046
01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,240
‪因為我他媽的嫁給了我老爸

1047
01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:31,320
‪一點不錯

1048
01:00:35,160 --> 01:00:37,800
‪而有別於我媽,我樂在其中

1049
01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:41,760
‪我他媽的喜歡,我樂在其中,我愛...

1050
01:00:41,760 --> 01:00:45,520
‪她收集的事實真棒,對吧?

1051
01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:48,120
‪大部分都很適切,有些則有點非主流

1052
01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:52,040
‪有些簡直令人費解
‪但後來卻變得適切

1053
01:00:52,040 --> 01:00:55,120
‪她很優秀,那不但是指她收集的事實

1054
01:00:55,120 --> 01:00:57,200
‪也是她堆放事實的方式

1055
01:00:57,720 --> 01:00:59,480
‪她像雕塑事實的布朗庫西

1056
01:00:59,480 --> 01:01:02,120
‪因為你以為你開始領悟到甚麼了

1057
01:01:02,120 --> 01:01:04,800
‪然後她完成作品
‪你會想:“噢,不對”

1058
01:01:07,440 --> 01:01:09,280
‪那只是列舉一堆事實

1059
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:13,360
‪我很喜歡,因為我無法這樣收集事實

1060
01:01:13,360 --> 01:01:14,600
‪而且是在新環境裏

1061
01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:17,520
‪當我進入新環境,我不會收集事實

1062
01:01:18,280 --> 01:01:21,960
‪我會試着理解一切,吸收所有

1063
01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:25,000
‪而我不會把一起歸檔
‪我只會被淹沒至濕透

1064
01:01:25,000 --> 01:01:28,240
‪對吧?濕透的我被淹沒,必須回家了

1065
01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:32,160
‪然後我把自己揸乾,又說
‪“該死,剛才發生了甚麼事?

1066
01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:34,360
‪為甚麼牙齒多成這樣?”

1067
01:01:36,520 --> 01:01:38,800
‪自從和珍諾在一起,我更自信了

1068
01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:41,200
‪因為我知道
‪如果我們同在一個新環境

1069
01:01:41,200 --> 01:01:44,320
‪她會收集事實,我可以稍後再去理解

1070
01:01:44,320 --> 01:01:45,280
‪那真的很讚

1071
01:01:45,280 --> 01:01:48,720
‪所以我真的希望她回去收集更多事實

1072
01:01:49,560 --> 01:01:52,960
‪我說:“你必須回去訓練”
‪她說:“我的手指扭傷了”

1073
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,640
‪我就說:“我們豈敢失敗?”

1074
01:02:01,480 --> 01:02:05,280
‪所以她回到家裏,說
‪“這項運動很危險,漢娜

1075
01:02:05,280 --> 01:02:08,760
‪隊長因膝傷缺席,她在比賽中受傷

1076
01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:12,080
‪卡斯的膝蓋也有傷患
‪她並非在比賽中受傷

1077
01:02:12,080 --> 01:02:13,960
‪她被蠢母牛撞倒了

1078
01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:18,400
‪那並非如我最初所想般是個委婉語

1079
01:02:19,440 --> 01:02:22,400
‪還有莎斯,她現在不能受訓

1080
01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:26,480
‪因為她在腦震盪後出現口吃
‪必須先等那個復原

1081
01:02:26,480 --> 01:02:28,120
‪但她來了...”我知道

1082
01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,960
‪“她還是來參加訓練,站在邊界線上

1083
01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:33,280
‪我想她是所謂的技工

1084
01:02:33,280 --> 01:02:36,360
‪因為她穿着很多那種叫反光衣的東西

1085
01:02:36,360 --> 01:02:38,400
‪而她戴着印上拖拉機圖案的帽子

1086
01:02:38,400 --> 01:02:40,720
‪她在抽手捲菸,那不是毒品

1087
01:02:40,720 --> 01:02:42,520
‪那是紙菸,也就是香菸

1088
01:02:42,520 --> 01:02:45,600
‪她在喝用罐子裝着的啤酒
‪那叫做罐裝啤酒

1089
01:02:47,040 --> 01:02:49,800
‪她叫莎儂,但大家都叫她‘莎斯’

1090
01:02:50,800 --> 01:02:53,200
‪她們叫蘿拉做‘蘿斯’
‪叫泰莉做‘泰斯’

1091
01:02:53,200 --> 01:02:55,760
‪她們道歉時說‘對不斯’

1092
01:02:56,960 --> 01:03:01,360
‪而當我聽到卡斯說
‪她們幫莎斯叫救護車時

1093
01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:03,920
‪我心想:‘我懂了’

1094
01:03:03,920 --> 01:03:06,440
‪我知道你們怎樣對待文字

1095
01:03:07,760 --> 01:03:10,120
‪我知道你們這國人怎樣對待文字

1096
01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:14,800
‪你們把好端端的名詞
‪從最接近的子音字母處切割開來

1097
01:03:14,800 --> 01:03:17,440
‪你們丟掉其餘的部分
‪貼上一個‘斯’音或‘諾’音

1098
01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:19,000
‪你們就是這樣做的”

1099
01:03:20,160 --> 01:03:21,040
‪我知道

1100
01:03:22,880 --> 01:03:24,920
‪我說:“對

1101
01:03:26,080 --> 01:03:27,520
‪珍諾”

1102
01:03:29,240 --> 01:03:30,720
‪她說...

1103
01:03:36,320 --> 01:03:38,600
‪“我以為那是我獨有的”

1104
01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:43,400
‪我說:“不是

1105
01:03:45,480 --> 01:03:48,080
‪我哥叫他的妻子‘珍諾’

1106
01:03:49,200 --> 01:03:50,720
‪他們是賓諾和珍諾

1107
01:03:50,720 --> 01:03:53,040
‪我已經有香蕉拼字遊戲了”

1108
01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:55,240
‪我只是...

1109
01:03:56,240 --> 01:03:58,640
‪我會汲取教訓

1110
01:03:58,640 --> 01:04:02,080
‪我會的,不過是非常特定的教訓

1111
01:04:02,960 --> 01:04:07,920
‪如果茱迪福士打
‪再次在我生日時送我香蕉拼字遊戲

1112
01:04:07,920 --> 01:04:09,760
‪我就知道該怎麼做了

1113
01:04:11,400 --> 01:04:14,280
‪但如果湯告魯斯
‪在聖誕節送我“猜猜我是誰”

1114
01:04:14,280 --> 01:04:16,840
‪我大概會一巴掌打向那個露齒威脅

1115
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:25,480
‪總之,那是六個月後的事了

1116
01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:29,920
‪六個月之前,我試着解決那個問題

1117
01:04:29,920 --> 01:04:32,160
‪珍諾與她最好的朋友道格斯遙遙領先

1118
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:35,440
‪我在磨蹭着,賈斯帕在草叢裏騷動着

1119
01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:38,000
‪最後把一隻小兔子趕了出來

1120
01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:40,560
‪小兔子蹦跳着來到我身前的路上

1121
01:04:41,080 --> 01:04:44,480
‪牠停下來抬起頭看着我
‪我低下頭看着牠

1122
01:04:45,000 --> 01:04:47,840
‪那是個奇妙的小時刻

1123
01:04:47,840 --> 01:04:50,000
‪感覺就像只有我們兩個

1124
01:04:50,520 --> 01:04:53,840
‪我說:“天啊,我是白雪公主”

1125
01:04:57,720 --> 01:04:59,400
‪然後我明白了

1126
01:04:59,400 --> 01:05:01,280
‪我說:“糟了

1127
01:05:01,280 --> 01:05:04,000
‪你不是在懼怕吧,老兄,對吧?”

1128
01:05:04,000 --> 01:05:05,640
‪牠說:“當然不是

1129
01:05:06,480 --> 01:05:07,920
‪我生病了”

1130
01:05:08,640 --> 01:05:10,120
‪我知道,腐爛的眼球嘛

1131
01:05:10,120 --> 01:05:13,640
‪我說:“今天不行,我猜今天

1132
01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:15,840
‪並非我們希望狗兒
‪抓到第一隻兔子的日子

1133
01:05:15,840 --> 01:05:16,920
‪而且牠生病了

1134
01:05:16,920 --> 01:05:19,840
‪而且珍諾很想家,而我才剛發現”

1135
01:05:21,080 --> 01:05:24,680
‪這並不值得自豪
‪但我用腳趾頭踢了牠一下

1136
01:05:25,360 --> 01:05:26,640
‪把牠從路上移走

1137
01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:29,080
‪牠滾落到灌木叢底下的三葉草裏去

1138
01:05:29,080 --> 01:05:30,720
‪我說:“太好了,我搞定了”

1139
01:05:30,720 --> 01:05:33,880
‪我抬頭看,珍諾沒有看見
‪我心想:“讚”

1140
01:05:34,880 --> 01:05:36,240
‪但賈斯帕看見了

1141
01:05:36,840 --> 01:05:40,640
‪然後牠衝過去,就像在說
‪“我要去拿下我的第一隻兔子”

1142
01:05:40,640 --> 01:05:42,520
‪因為他是個野蠻笨蛋,我很愛牠

1143
01:05:42,520 --> 01:05:45,600
‪牠像是說:“我要去...”
‪而我說:“休想在我眼底下這樣”

1144
01:05:45,600 --> 01:05:47,840
‪真的,我沒有踢牠

1145
01:05:48,520 --> 01:05:50,080
‪我沒有踢牠

1146
01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:52,880
‪我的腿完全沒動

1147
01:05:53,400 --> 01:05:55,360
‪牠下了決定

1148
01:05:57,240 --> 01:06:01,800
‪我們來說清楚
‪牠決定要跑過來撞上我的腿

1149
01:06:01,800 --> 01:06:05,560
‪而牠的決定來得很快很強烈

1150
01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:08,160
‪就在牠撞上我的腿的那一刻,我就...

1151
01:06:09,000 --> 01:06:09,840
‪跌倒在地上

1152
01:06:09,840 --> 01:06:12,520
‪我僅僅及時抓住牠頸圈後方

1153
01:06:13,040 --> 01:06:14,680
‪我鬆一口氣:“ 唷!”

1154
01:06:14,680 --> 01:06:16,080
‪然後我抬頭看

1155
01:06:16,800 --> 01:06:19,640
‪我看到珍諾回過頭來

1156
01:06:19,640 --> 01:06:21,320
‪她看到了

1157
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:24,280
‪她沒看到兔子

1158
01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:27,760
‪她看到我跟自己的狗打架

1159
01:06:28,520 --> 01:06:29,720
‪還輸掉了

1160
01:06:30,640 --> 01:06:34,560
‪她跑回來說:“妳怎麼踢妳的狗?”

1161
01:06:35,080 --> 01:06:37,120
‪我說:“那是個兔子狀況

1162
01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:41,400
‪實際上,我沒有踢牠
‪那更像是衣架式擒抱...”

1163
01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:44,040
‪她說:“衣架式擒抱是甚麼?”

1164
01:06:44,040 --> 01:06:46,160
‪那是她玩橄欖球前的事了

1165
01:06:46,160 --> 01:06:48,560
‪她說:“衣架式擒抱是甚麼?”

1166
01:06:48,560 --> 01:06:51,840
‪然後她說:“天啊,是隻小兔子”

1167
01:06:52,560 --> 01:06:55,280
‪那隻天殺的兔子不知道自己身陷險境

1168
01:06:56,040 --> 01:06:57,800
‪也不知道自己是否安全

1169
01:06:57,800 --> 01:07:00,480
‪所以牠回到那條他媽的路上來

1170
01:07:00,480 --> 01:07:03,440
‪只說:“這裏有點喧鬧,怎麼回事?

1171
01:07:03,440 --> 01:07:05,120
‪我能幫忙嗎?真能幫上忙嗎”

1172
01:07:05,720 --> 01:07:09,920
‪我看得出來珍諾想用手接觸兔子

1173
01:07:09,920 --> 01:07:13,360
‪而賈斯帕想用嘴巴和牙齒接觸兔子

1174
01:07:13,920 --> 01:07:15,000
‪對吧?

1175
01:07:15,000 --> 01:07:17,840
‪接下來的事發生得很快

1176
01:07:17,840 --> 01:07:20,280
‪但我會詳細告訴你們

1177
01:07:20,280 --> 01:07:23,400
‪我會從我的意圖說起

1178
01:07:24,960 --> 01:07:26,680
‪否則說也說不清

1179
01:07:28,240 --> 01:07:31,040
‪我想做的是拿我的外套

1180
01:07:31,040 --> 01:07:33,040
‪蓋住兔子

1181
01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,800
‪像是外套保護層

1182
01:07:36,320 --> 01:07:38,400
‪然後撿起牠,抱起牠

1183
01:07:38,400 --> 01:07:41,320
‪帶牠去找獸醫,把那場屠殺外判出去

1184
01:07:41,320 --> 01:07:44,840
‪對吧? 牠很痛苦
‪牠生病了,時日無多

1185
01:07:44,840 --> 01:07:48,360
‪我是英雄,對吧?
‪我是英雄,請記住這點

1186
01:07:48,360 --> 01:07:50,240
‪那是你的神咒,我是英雄

1187
01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:51,800
‪也許我是男的一方

1188
01:07:54,880 --> 01:07:56,720
‪怎麼都好

1189
01:07:56,720 --> 01:07:59,920
‪當時的情況是
‪我拉着賈斯帕頸圈的後方

1190
01:08:00,520 --> 01:08:03,480
‪我要搶到兔子,但必須爭佔先機

1191
01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:06,840
‪因為賈斯帕有四條腿
‪而且很擅長運用它們

1192
01:08:06,840 --> 01:08:09,840
‪我只有兩條腿
‪而且我們證實過了,狀態不太好

1193
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:13,080
‪所以我為自己爭取先機

1194
01:08:13,080 --> 01:08:15,680
‪方法是把牠丟開

1195
01:08:17,320 --> 01:08:18,280
‪我知道

1196
01:08:18,280 --> 01:08:21,520
‪但那不只是
‪“走吧,老兄,你去那邊”

1197
01:08:22,040 --> 01:08:25,800
‪不是,我簡直化身為蘇聯鐵餅運動員

1198
01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:28,320
‪活像1980年代那種

1199
01:08:28,320 --> 01:08:31,520
‪猶如平白無故用了類固醇,我...

1200
01:08:35,480 --> 01:08:38,280
‪我看着賈斯帕,牠從半空中劃過

1201
01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:41,840
‪“我一碰到地面,我就會回來
‪我要搶到那隻兔子”

1202
01:08:42,360 --> 01:08:46,960
‪我轉過身去,試着去拿兔子

1203
01:08:46,960 --> 01:08:49,880
‪然後他媽的突然之間

1204
01:08:49,880 --> 01:08:54,760
‪道格斯決定這天牠要成為真正的狗

1205
01:08:55,840 --> 01:08:58,440
‪牠不知從牠媽的哪裏冒出來

1206
01:08:59,200 --> 01:09:02,640
‪像死神般緊緊咬住那兔子

1207
01:09:02,640 --> 01:09:05,240
‪我知道,就在牠最好的朋友面前

1208
01:09:05,240 --> 01:09:06,200
‪我知道

1209
01:09:06,800 --> 01:09:09,720
‪所以我做了我唯一會做的事

1210
01:09:10,880 --> 01:09:16,720
‪“滾蛋,你這狗雜種!
‪快去!放下!”

1211
01:09:21,520 --> 01:09:22,680
‪牠是隻好狗

1212
01:09:23,600 --> 01:09:24,560
‪牠就這樣...

1213
01:09:25,640 --> 01:09:28,240
‪但珍諾和兩隻狗開始說

1214
01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:31,240
‪“你他媽到底是誰?”

1215
01:09:31,240 --> 01:09:33,000
‪而兔子逃過一死

1216
01:09:33,600 --> 01:09:35,800
‪我知道,但牠現在懼怕了

1217
01:09:36,320 --> 01:09:38,400
‪牠開始尖叫

1218
01:09:38,400 --> 01:09:41,280
‪我不知道你們曾否聽過兔子尖叫
‪實在不怎麼悅耳

1219
01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:44,040
‪《猛兔兵團》才不是兒童電影

1220
01:09:44,840 --> 01:09:46,080
‪而是一派胡言

1221
01:09:46,080 --> 01:09:47,440
‪所以牠開始...

1222
01:09:47,440 --> 01:09:50,600
‪你知道我不殺兔子的話
‪這故事就不會落幕

1223
01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:54,440
‪你知道我必須殺掉兔子
‪那是人道的做法

1224
01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:56,960
‪牠非常痛苦,快要死去了

1225
01:09:56,960 --> 01:09:58,760
‪牠必須快點死去,因為...

1226
01:09:58,760 --> 01:10:00,320
‪我是英雄,好的

1227
01:10:02,440 --> 01:10:03,760
‪我知道要怎麼做

1228
01:10:03,760 --> 01:10:07,720
‪那裏有根木頭,我打算把它撿起來
‪壓扁兔子,把牠消滅

1229
01:10:08,240 --> 01:10:09,080
‪我是英雄

1230
01:10:09,080 --> 01:10:11,240
‪但我不想在珍諾面前這樣做

1231
01:10:11,240 --> 01:10:13,080
‪我覺得她已經看夠了

1232
01:10:13,800 --> 01:10:15,440
‪所以我派她去跑腿

1233
01:10:16,560 --> 01:10:18,880
‪我說:“我需要一根手杖”

1234
01:10:18,880 --> 01:10:22,320
‪我才不需要手杖
‪但我知道如果我向她要些甚麼

1235
01:10:22,320 --> 01:10:25,400
‪她會進入製作人模式說
‪“我會去製作”

1236
01:10:25,400 --> 01:10:27,560
‪對吧?所以她跑開了,我說:“好!”

1237
01:10:27,560 --> 01:10:29,040
‪所以我拿起木頭

1238
01:10:29,560 --> 01:10:31,480
‪珍諾的特別之處

1239
01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:33,560
‪在於她很有效率

1240
01:10:36,200 --> 01:10:37,240
‪而我不是

1241
01:10:39,240 --> 01:10:42,440
‪所以她在最糟的時候回來了

1242
01:10:43,560 --> 01:10:45,160
‪因為我當時這副模樣

1243
01:10:48,440 --> 01:10:53,480
‪對吧? 就算我不想
‪把它掉在兔子身上,也無法阻止

1244
01:10:54,000 --> 01:10:58,160
‪當我看見她時,衝力和重力已經接手

1245
01:10:58,160 --> 01:11:00,160
‪看見她時,我回過頭

1246
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:04,680
‪這是我在這他媽的一輩子中

1247
01:11:04,680 --> 01:11:07,760
‪第一次與另一個人眼神接觸

1248
01:11:09,520 --> 01:11:11,080
‪持續得那麼久

1249
01:11:12,480 --> 01:11:13,320
‪我知道

1250
01:11:14,200 --> 01:11:15,320
‪就是...

1251
01:11:16,240 --> 01:11:18,320
‪盯着她看,而我就這樣...

1252
01:11:22,880 --> 01:11:25,680
‪那時,我已經處於那個狀況

1253
01:11:26,400 --> 01:11:30,320
‪顯然必須確認兔子真的死掉了

1254
01:11:30,320 --> 01:11:34,080
‪所以我一邊維持眼神接觸
‪一邊開始...

1255
01:11:39,360 --> 01:11:43,640
‪然後我冷靜下來,我看着珍諾
‪這次連我也看得懂她的臉

1256
01:11:45,360 --> 01:11:47,720
‪那很哀傷,大概很痛苦

1257
01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:52,520
‪我看在眼裏,心想:“慘了

1258
01:11:53,720 --> 01:11:55,400
‪我是過來人

1259
01:11:57,520 --> 01:12:01,480
‪我曾被困在和兔子殺手的關係裏”

1260
01:12:05,240 --> 01:12:06,600
‪我不想這樣

1261
01:12:08,520 --> 01:12:11,080
‪我不想讓珍諾經歷這些

1262
01:12:12,640 --> 01:12:14,560
‪所以我試着彌補

1263
01:12:14,560 --> 01:12:17,920
‪我說:“牠病了
‪我讓牠脫離苦海,我是英雄

1264
01:12:17,920 --> 01:12:21,960
‪牠有黏液瘤病,我們稱之為‘黏諾’
‪因為我們用字生動

1265
01:12:22,600 --> 01:12:26,200
‪這病是外地傳入的
‪因為殖民主義從來不是好事

1266
01:12:26,200 --> 01:12:29,560
‪如果妳想回美國去,妳就該回去
‪我不想妳離開

1267
01:12:29,560 --> 01:12:31,600
‪但妳一定很想念家人和朋友

1268
01:12:31,600 --> 01:12:34,200
‪我們能撐下去的
‪沒有人知道這能持續多久

1269
01:12:34,200 --> 01:12:37,480
‪我們很堅強,視像會議軟件很好用
‪那很糟糕,但我們能應付的

1270
01:12:37,480 --> 01:12:40,320
‪你要我怎麼做?我該做甚麼?

1271
01:12:40,320 --> 01:12:43,560
‪我該怎麼做?怎麼做才對?

1272
01:12:43,560 --> 01:12:46,040
‪我要做甚麼?”

1273
01:12:46,040 --> 01:12:47,360
‪而她說:“停

1274
01:12:48,400 --> 01:12:49,680
‪別恐慌

1275
01:12:51,160 --> 01:12:52,680
‪妳想當甚麼人?”

1276
01:12:58,200 --> 01:12:59,600
‪“妳的妻子”

1277
01:13:01,400 --> 01:13:02,880
‪謝謝

1278
01:13:59,280 --> 01:14:02,880
- ‪字幕翻譯:
- Kate