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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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["Birdhouse In Your Soul"
by They Might Be Giants playing]

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<i>- ♪ But I'm a little glowing friend ♪</i>
- [audience cheering]

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<i>♪ But really
I'm not actually your friend ♪</i>

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[song fades out]

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- [song resumes]
- [audience continues cheering]

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<i>♪ Blue canary in the outlet
By the light switch ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Who watches over you? ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Not to put too fine a point on it... ♪</i>

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- Hey!
- [audience cheering and applauding]

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[Hannah laughs]

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Thank you.

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[cheering and applause fade]

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I got married.

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[audience cheers]

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I know, I know.

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It's nice.

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I like it, I like it.

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That's what this show's going to be about.

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I know.
It's going to be a romantic comedy.

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Yeah.

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Yucky! [chuckles] Blech.

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No, but it's true,
this is going to be a feel-good show.

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- Yes!
- [audience cheering]

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Yes, it's going to be a feel-good show,

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because I believe I owe you one.

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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Yeah.

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I have dragged you
through a bit of my shit over the years,

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and you've stuck with me. Much obliged!

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But it's time for some payoff.

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So that's what this is going to be,
a bit of ta-da. Right?

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Just for an hour or so,
we're gonna feel good, right?

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I'm gonna make you,
a roomful of relative strangers,

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feel good together, right?

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My hands where you can see them.

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Yeah? Eh? Little lesbian joke
just sprinkled in there.

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Off to a good start, I'd say.

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Off to a good start.

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Before I do kick off,

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I do want to acknowledge
that the world is ending.

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I don't want you to think I'm oblivious.
I'm not. I've clocked it.

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We're done. We're cooked.

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We're cooked. But the thing is,
I don't think I can solve it.

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Not tonight. Not...

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Not in the time allocated.

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So, I'm just gonna ignore it,

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and, just for the next hour,
we're gonna feel good together,

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and then we can head back out there

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and be the mass extinction event
that we are.

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Are you ready for that? All right.

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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There we go.

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Jenney is my spouse-lady's name. Yeah.

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- You clap a fact. You clap a fact.
- [audience applauding]

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[Hannah chuckles]

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I... I call her Jenno,

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because, you know, g'day. Uh...

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She thinks it's cute, so that's great.

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That's a solid result for no effort.
You gotta be happy with that.

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I tell you what,
it was a very steep learning curve

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for the pair of us
to organize a betrothal.

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Uh, fuck me,
straight people have a lot of feelings.

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They've got a lot of feelings
about weddings. I didn't know.

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It's a thing.

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I suppose, because I have been not invited
for so long,

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I... I didn't know
it was a special occasion.

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Who knew? Straight people.

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We made a lot of mistakes though, apparently.

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Um, we had a shark cake, for one.

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[audience laughing]

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Yep. Our wedding cake was a novelty cake.

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Yep. It just had
a big, fuck-off shark's head

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coming out the top. Just... [growls]

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It was a great white.
Thank you for asking.

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Um...

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It had two killer side-eye happening,
two rows of teeth,

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because facts.

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Just coming out of the top of the cake.
[growls] "Shark cake."

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We had the little figurines
you're supposed to have on a wedding cake.

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What are they called? Hood ornaments?
I'm not sure. I don't care.

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Most people have a bride and groom,
but we didn't, because facts.

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We... we went with two otters...

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holding hands.

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I know.

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In the shark's mouth.

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- [audience laughing and applauding]
- [growls]

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People didn't like it.

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They were thrown.

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Like... [shrilly] "Why'd you have
a shark cake, a silly, novelty cake?"

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"I don't like it."

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[in normal voice]
That's not how they sound.

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That's how I hear them,
and that's an important distinction.

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But we had a good reason
for having a novelty cake.

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Uh, the reason being
we wanted to trick a Christian baker.

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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Yep, we wanted to trick a Christian baker
into making a gay wedding cake, and...

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it worked. It was like,

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"Nah, mate, that's not a wedding cake.
I'm turning ten."

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[audience laughing]

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Easy. So gullible.

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Believe anything, Christians.

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[audience laughing]

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[Hannah chuckles]

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[chuckles] No.
So, he's going to hell. Uh, your...

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We've all gotta do our bit
to get through this gay agenda.

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Um... sending Christian bakers to hell
one at a time.

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Very efficient activism, isn't it?

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I didn't say
who it's a feel-good show for.

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I should have.

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I'm feeling real good.

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[sighs]

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I suppose one of the reasons
Jenno and I struggled to wedding correctly

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is because neither of us had spent
any of our life thinking about it,

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like, planning our "special day."
Apparently, you're supposed to.

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As the... as the lady-born amongst us,

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you're supposed to spend
an inordinate amount of time fantasizing

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about the color scheme
and floral arrangement

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of the day you're sold off. And I...

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I'd just never given it a thought.

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'Cause it was not an option for me
for a long time.

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You gotta remember I grew up in a time

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when us gays weren't even allowed
to adopt a fucking highway.

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Right? Much less marry someone
we wanted to touch.

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So why would I waste my time?

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Jenno is bisexual,

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so technically,
she could've half-thought about it.

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[audience laughing]

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But she didn't. Busy, too busy.

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Classic bisexual. Am I right?

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[audience laughing]

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Eh? No.

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No, I'm not right.

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That's a nasty stereotype.

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But I do like to brag
that I married a bisexual woman.

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Because it upsets
a very particular kind of man

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that I really enjoy upsetting.

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Because this is a decision.

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And you weren't.

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Again, I didn't specify
who this was a feel-good show for.

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We loved our wedding, by the way.
I should note that. We had a great time.

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It was a very small ceremony at home.
Just a spattering of friends and family.

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Only my friends and family

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because I'm the priority.

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[scattered laughter]

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That's a joke, and it's not my best work,

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so well done, you,
for giving that a lukewarm response.

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You read the room. I appreciate that.

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No, uh, the reason being
is Jenno is American, right?

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"What? Oh, no!" Diversity. You're welcome.

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So it was pandemic-depending.
Our borders closed,

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so Jenno's family and friends
couldn't come to our wedding,

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which is sad.

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But also, is it?

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[audience laughing]

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One of the things about wedding culture
I don't understand

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is the pressure on the proposal.

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In that time between when you are engaged
and when you get married, right,

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in that little perineum of time, it's...

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It is like that.
It's a little perineum of time,

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because it's... it's not the destination,
but it's very exciting to be there.

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In...

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In that little perineum of time,

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the only thing anybody ever wants to know
is, "How did you propose?"

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"How did you propose?"

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I'm like, "Don't you wanna know her name?"

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Like, "No. Who cares?"

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Apparently, you're supposed to propose
on a beach, or at sunset, or some shit.

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All right, I'll give you sunset.
Sunset's nice.

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But the beach? Fuck off.

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I hate the beach.

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Like, I don't trust sand.

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I don't.
It's never where it says it's gonna be.

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Guaranteed, six months
after I've been to the beach,

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I will find a pearl on my person.

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[audience laughing]

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That's another little perineum joke
if you think about it, isn't it?

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Yeah, a little diamond in the muff.
He gets it.

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[audience laughing]

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Apparently, a proposal is supposed to be
a big, romantic gesture.

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Go big, or go home alone.

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Right?

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And I don't understand
where the romance is supposed to live

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in a proposal.

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'Cause from what I can gather,

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a proposal is, at best,
reverse-engineered spontaneity.

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At worst, it's an ambush.

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[audience laughing]

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Like, best-case scenario,
at least the partners have a team meeting.

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Right? They have a team meeting,
they make a plan,

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they propose a proposal, which is weird.

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And then they make up a to-do list,

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complete with props and a destination,

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a beach, perhaps.

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Then one of the partners
sets to ticking off the to-do list

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while the other partner sets to forgetting
they were ever involved.

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[audience laughing]

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So when the proposal finally happens,

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they're like,
"Oh, my God! I'm so surprised."

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"Look at that ring!
Oh, my God, Oh, my God. Oh, my God!"

203
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"I've never seen anything so beautiful!"

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Fucking stop it.

205
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Seriously. You chose that ring!

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Stop gaslighting yourself.

207
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It's embarrassing.

208
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But that's the best-case scenario.

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Because otherwise,
there's no team meeting.

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One of the partners just assumes
they're a fucking catch.

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00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:54,400
[audience laughing]

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The temerity! And...

213
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It is my understanding,
in the cis-hetero world,

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it's the man one.

215
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,760
Now, that's a gross generalization, absolutely.

216
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,840
But it's also 100% true.

217
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,240
[audience laughing]

218
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I did my own research.

219
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,680
Confirmed my own bias.

220
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,680
But it is the man one, which is fun.

221
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,680
Because who handles rejection the best?

222
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:24,760
[audience laughing]

223
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,320
Men who think they're a fucking catch.

224
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So that's a recipe for a good time
if ever I've heard one.

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Say yes, we get married.

226
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Say no, I stalk you. Romance!

227
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It's a trap.

228
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,840
[audience laughing and applauding]

229
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Thank you, thank you. Very kind.

230
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It's like you're being coached.

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I proposed to Jenno.

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Um, it wasn't a given.
I'm not the man one.

233
00:11:58,280 --> 00:11:59,960
Um... [laughing]

234
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,240
We're in a genuinely
queer relationship, right?

235
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,040
Which means
when it comes to the division of labor,

236
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:08,760
we just divvy up the jobs
according to actual skill sets

237
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,960
and whoever can be fucked.
[chuckling] And...

238
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And it works. It really does.

239
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We always, almost,
remember to put the bins out.

240
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,280
Every week, almost.

241
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,280
It's a great-- It's a great time.

242
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,200
It's a great time.

243
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,840
But I-- I did propose.
We did have the team meeting.

244
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,280
We had a team meeting, we decided that,
yes, we wanted some of that

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00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,720
sweet, sweet, sweet
administrative privilege.

246
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,160
Then we just didn't do anything about it.
We got busy. Classic.

247
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,920
Right. And then I ended up proposing.

248
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,000
And I didn't...

249
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,200
I didn't plan to.

250
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,200
I didn't wake up the morning of going,
"Today's the day."

251
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,560
I pretty much ambushed both of us.

252
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,480
Right? I didn't have a speech.
I didn't have a ring.

253
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,360
I didn't have a destination.

254
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,280
I did not get down on bended knee.
Fuck that shit. I...

255
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,200
Why? I've had three knee reconstructions.

256
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,240
My patella are spongy.

257
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:07,000
It's actually quite painful
for me to kneel.

258
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,240
That's why I can't sleep with men.

259
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,520
[audience laughing and applauding]

260
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,000
That's a... that's a joke.

261
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,560
And it doesn't even make sense.

262
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,240
There are other
far more compelling reasons.

263
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,360
[laughs]

264
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,200
I actually proposed like this.
I did this. [groans]

265
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,560
This is nice. Good stretch.

266
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,120
People ask me,
"You've had three knee reconstructions."

267
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,320
"Are you an athlete?"

268
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,960
To which I go,
"No, but are you a detective?"

269
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,160
[audience laughing]

270
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,920
"'Cause you're not very good."

271
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,320
[chuckles] "You must've played netball.
That's bad for the knees."

272
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,240
"You must've played netball."
Fuck off! I played... No, I did not.

273
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,560
Netball is for sluts.

274
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,040
[audience laughing]

275
00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:59,720
I'm not gonna play netball.

276
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,160
I stand by that. Netball is for sluts.

277
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:11,320
To be clear, I have nothing against
either netball or sluts.

278
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,640
I'm a big fan of both, if I'm honest.

279
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:16,560
[chuckles]

280
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:18,920
I just like saying it.

281
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,680
It's just got a good click to it,
you know?

282
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,680
"Netball is for sluts."

283
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,520
It's cathartic. It's my mantra.

284
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,920
It... it got me through the pandemic.

285
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:31,760
It did.

286
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,720
It's like, "Oh, I can't work.
Netball is for sluts! Come on!"

287
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,680
It was a good time. It was a good time.

288
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:44,520
I say it a lot. But the thing is,
Jenno doesn't know what netball is.

289
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,680
And I won't tell her.

290
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,040
Because you gotta keep the mystery alive.
You know what I mean?

291
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,000
Even if I did wanna explain netball
to her,

292
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,440
how do you do that?

293
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,440
"It's like basketball,

294
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,840
but as soon as you get the ball,
the floor is lava."

295
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,760
[audience laughing]

296
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,920
It's just a lot of people
running around in bibs,

297
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,840
but nobody can dribble.

298
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:12,360
And I'm not gonna take her to a game.
Absolutely not.

299
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,000
There is far too much of this.

300
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,080
All the time. Just...

301
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,560
- [mumbling humorously]
- [audience laughing]

302
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,240
Jenno is Jewish.

303
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,280
[audience cheering]

304
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,120
I know!

305
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,600
[mouthing] I know.

306
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,520
That's... [grunts]

307
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,480
Actually, I should tell you why.
I have a lot of injuries

308
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,960
because I have
what's called a "problematic gait."

309
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:51,360
Uh, that's what the doctor called it.
The doctor called it a "problematic gait."

310
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,880
He wasn't a gynecologist.
Not that kind of gate.

311
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,240
It's very different, very different.

312
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,480
[chuckles, growls]

313
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,280
That's why I can't sleep with men.
It's like... [growls]

314
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,200
No.

315
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:08,800
That's how I proposed.

316
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,120
I was actually having a panic attack
when I proposed.

317
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,200
Why not? What a time to be alive!

318
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,640
[audience laughing]

319
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,920
But Jenno said this thing
that she always says to me

320
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,800
when I'm having a bit of a meltdown.

321
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,600
She said, "Don't panic."

322
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,720
Which, on its own, is bullshit.
Don't say that.

323
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:31,320
If you see someone having a panic attack,
don't go, "Are you panicking?"

324
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,880
"Have you tried not?" Like, that's...

325
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:36,320
That's bullshit.

326
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,960
But it's what Jenno says next
that brings it home.

327
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,560
She said, "Don't panic.
Who do you wanna be?"

328
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,720
And my brain hears that, and it's like...

329
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,800
Because in my brain,
when I'm having a panic attack,

330
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,680
I'm going, "What do I do?
What do I do? What should I do?"

331
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,520
"What am I supposed to do? What's the
right thing to do? What do I do?"

332
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,160
And she said, "Stop. Who?"

333
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,560
"Who do you wanna be?"

334
00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,480
And my brain hears that
and just goes, "A game!"

335
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,720
I love games. Panic's over.
I am that simple.

336
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,920
[audience laughing]

337
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:11,160
And on this particular day,
she's gone, "Who do you wanna be?"

338
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,200
And I've gone,

339
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,440
"Your wife."

340
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,320
- I know, I know.
- [audience applauding]

341
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,280
I agree with you.

342
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:21,760
I agree with you.

343
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:26,000
That's... that's tidy, right?

344
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,120
It's borderline adorable.

345
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,400
But apparently, it's not enough
for the keepers of the genre.

346
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:37,240
Keepers of the proposal genre
want proof of a plan.

347
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,240
They want a bit of effort.
They want some context in the story,

348
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:42,600
and I cannot give you that.

349
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,360
If I was to paint any more of a picture
than I've just given you, no good.

350
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,360
No romance. There was a death.

351
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,720
I'm not gonna go into it.
This is a feel-good show.

352
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,160
But just so you know it's there.

353
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,480
This <i>is</i> a feel-good show.
This is not a trap.

354
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,560
I'm not doing that thing I'm famous for.

355
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,120
I lull you into a false sense of security.
You're like, "This feels good."

356
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,920
Then I go, "No, don't feel good.
Feel bad. Go home. Feel worse." That...

357
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,960
is not what's going on here.
This is a feel-good show.

358
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,360
- Or is it?
- [audience laughing]

359
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,000
No, it is. It is.

360
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,000
It is. [chuckles]

361
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,040
I would love to turn that
into a romantic, lovely story.

362
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:24,400
Right? I really would.
I don't want to be contrary all the time.

363
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:25,800
But I can't.

364
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,040
I can't turn that into a... a lovely story.

365
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:32,360
And I-- it's disappointing,
'cause I'm good at a story.

366
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,680
I'm a little bit of a professional,
if I'm honest.

367
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,600
But I can't do it, right?
And Jenno can't tell that story,

368
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:43,040
'cause she's shit at stories.
Like, she's fucking bad, right?

369
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,880
And to be fair,
that's not my personal opinion.

370
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,920
I love the way Jenno tells the story.

371
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,600
It's just the opinion
of every other person that's ever met her.

372
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:53,640
[audience laughing]

373
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,280
But I do love the way she tells a story.

374
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,720
It's got to the stage in our relationship,
we tell couple's stories now.

375
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,080
I know. Blech. But... True.

376
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,160
And I defer. I do.
I go, "You tell it, Jenno."

377
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:09,400
And you can see the look of horror
descending on people's faces.

378
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,000
They're like,
"No! You were supposed to help."

379
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,240
"You're a professional."

380
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,040
I'm like, "Day off, mate. Go on, Jenno."

381
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,040
I get my storytelling skills off my mum.

382
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,720
She's an excellent storyteller,
one of the best.

383
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,160
The thing about my mum is
she always, without fail,

384
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,280
lands the story plane.

385
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,520
Right? It's an incredible skill.

386
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,040
But her superpower,

387
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:39,160
her storytelling superpower,
is she is really great

388
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,360
at hijacking other people's story planes...

389
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,000
and landing in on their face.

390
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,480
[audience laughing]

391
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,040
Like, it's a marvel, but also frightening.

392
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,800
I am very happy to report
that my mum and Jenno get along very well.

393
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,200
It's a relief,
because I don't have the constitution

394
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,920
to deal with that kind of tension.

395
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:03,400
If my mum and my partner didn't get along,
someone would have to go.

396
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,240
They would.
And... and I've run the analytics.

397
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,800
- It would be me. I...
- [audience laughing]

398
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,160
I am the weakest link. Absolutely.

399
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:18,480
But it was a great relief.

400
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,840
'Cause my mum is not famous
for being fond early.

401
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,720
I once introduced her
to a girlfriend, right?

402
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,760
And she said, "I don't like her."

403
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:29,880
[exhales slowly]

404
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,280
"And I don't have to."

405
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,640
I know. It's like,
"Yep. Fair enough, Mum."

406
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,240
"But she's right there."

407
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:38,720
[audience laughing]

408
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,880
"We could've had this conversation later."
She was like...

409
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,320
I'm not alone.
I'm the youngest of five kids.

410
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,320
All of my siblings had to do navigation
to bring a spouse into the fold.

411
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,840
My brother-in-law has a great relationship
with my mum <i>now.</i>

412
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,400
But in the beginning, struggle bus.

413
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:02,040
Because he's an Irishman, as it happens,
and he's very pale of the complexion,

414
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,800
even by my standards,

415
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,640
and I'm an in-flight omelet.

416
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:06,560
But...

417
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:13,320
But he's a translucent potato.
Like, it's... [blows air] ...amazing.

418
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,760
And Mum took to calling him Casper.

419
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,080
[audience laughing]

420
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:21,320
And once she worked out
that he didn't like it, she dug in.

421
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,320
For a good couple of years,
he's like, "I've got a name,"

422
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,840
and she's like,
"I don't know what his problem is."

423
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,440
"Casper is the Friendly Ghost."

424
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,880
Just like a fact and a threat
all wrapped up in one.

425
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:37,400
[puffs air]

426
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,080
But Mum and Jenno,
they hit it off immediately.

427
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:44,160
They met after one of my shows.

428
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,720
Um, because, fun fact,
Jenno is my producer.

429
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,240
She's right there.

430
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,080
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.

431
00:21:55,880 --> 00:22:01,440
And just in case you're wondering
where the balance of power is here,

432
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,160
as I'm onstage telling <i>our</i> story,

433
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,920
Jenno has complete control
over the lights and sound.

434
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:09,840
- So...
- [audience laughing]

435
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:11,800
...there it is.

436
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,840
[chuckles] Friendly Ghost.

437
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,400
They met after one of my gigs.

438
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:21,480
The thing about Jenno as a producer,
she's always with backpack.

439
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:26,040
Right? That's her style as a producer.
She's always with backpack.

440
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,440
Uh, it's where the business is, right?

441
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,680
So when Mum met Jenno,

442
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:32,600
she was with backpack.

443
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,760
And Mum took one look at her and said,

444
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,680
"Well, hello, Dora the Explorer."

445
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:39,760
[audience laughing]

446
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,560
And Jenno just said, "Thank you."

447
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:47,800
"She sees me."

448
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:53,840
But Mum and Jenno had a conversation
outside of my earshot that night,

449
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,720
the first time they met.
That's not how I would've played it.

450
00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,840
If it was up to me, Mum and Jenno
would never be alone together, ever.

451
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,840
Mum's too much of a loose unit.
I don't trust her.

452
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:06,680
But they, straightaway.

453
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,200
But Jenno gave me a full report
the next day.

454
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,120
And by full report, what I mean is

455
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:15,040
she just kept repeating
what my mum had told her,

456
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,920
like, over and over and over again

457
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,480
in the vain hope
that one day it might make sense.

458
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:22,880
Nah. Nah.

459
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,600
She said, "Hannah, your mum told me--"

460
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:26,920
Now, Jenno is American,

461
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,840
but the way I tell it,
she does sound very Australian.

462
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,600
I think... [laughs]

463
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,920
You have to do the work in your head
because I won't do the accent.

464
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:37,520
I don't have time.

465
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,360
I don't have time for all those Rs

466
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,400
that they insist on enunciating
over there. It's boring.

467
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:47,080
Like, no other English-speaking nation
in the world

468
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,960
uses the word "rural"
in casual conversation.

469
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,840
Like, there are far more efficient ways
of saying "not in the city."

470
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:58,120
Not for them.

471
00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:00,960
They're like... [in American accent]
"I'm from rural America."

472
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,920
[in normal voice] It's like,
"Are you, mate? I live in the bush."

473
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:12,200
Jenno finds an R in my name. "Hanner."

474
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:14,480
It's not even there.

475
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,760
She says, "Hanner..."
See, I won't do the accent.

476
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:24,440
She says, "Hannah, your mum told me
that she takes money out of the bank

477
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,640
to save..."

478
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,160
[audience laughing]

479
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,280
"...for teeth."

480
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,520
"Hannah, Hannah,
she takes money out of the bank

481
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,120
to save for teeth."

482
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:42,560
"Hannah? Hannah?"

483
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,920
"Are you listening? Hannah, your mum

484
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:50,040
takes money out of the bank
to save for teeth."

485
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:53,280
"You know that's three separate ideas?
They don't relate."

486
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,480
"But they do in your mum's head."

487
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,600
"Hannah, Hannah,
she takes money out of the bank

488
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,040
to save for teeth."

489
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,520
"Hannah, that doesn't make any sense."

490
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,680
And I'm like, "I know!"

491
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,680
[audience laughing]

492
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:14,320
I've been hearing about
my mum's dental saving plan for years.

493
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,400
Every pension day,
she takes a cheeky ten or 15 out,

494
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,280
puts it in the special drawer.

495
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,640
She said, "Because if I leave it
in the bank, Hannah,

496
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:27,800
I'll spend it."

497
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,800
[audience laughing]

498
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,040
I remember when my mum got
her first-ever pair of false teeth.

499
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,320
It was a very unsettling time of my life.

500
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:41,400
I was a teenager,

501
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,240
and when she got them,

502
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,160
they were too big.

503
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,240
Right? And for whatever reason,

504
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:51,600
she just didn't get them tightened up
for a good couple of years.

505
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,880
So they just rattled around.

506
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,000
So whenever she became animated,

507
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:02,080
the top rack would drop down
and just completely transform her face.

508
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,280
Like, she would be angry,

509
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,240
and then she'd break out
in a big, beautiful smile.

510
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:12,560
I mean... [laughs]

511
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,560
She'd be like,
"Well, you can leave home if you like."

512
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,640
"You're not welcome here."

513
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,360
[audience laughing]

514
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:25,320
It was... Thank you.

515
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,280
It was worse when she yawned.

516
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,800
Because when she yawned,
the top rack would drop down,

517
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,840
and the bottom rack would pop up,

518
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:38,360
and they'd meet in the middle.

519
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:43,560
Have you ever seen anybody yawn
with their teeth clenched?

520
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,360
It is unsettling on a primal level.

521
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,840
Because their body says, "Relaxed,"

522
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,280
but their face says,
"I will hunt you down!"

523
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,960
[audience laughing and applauding]

524
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:03,640
But she likes Jenno.

525
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,640
She said, "I like her.
She's not a dickhead."

526
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,280
Which is the highest of praise.

527
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:13,800
I had to ask my dad what he thought,

528
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,120
because he's not a whistleblower,
not on his own feelings.

529
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,200
So I asked him--

530
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,040
- That deserved more, but you do you. Um...
- [audience laughing]

531
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,280
"Whistleblower on your feelings."
I like that.

532
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,880
We'll probably edit it out
'cause it got nothing.

533
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:31,320
And this is about how you feel
about the show. I'm not attached.

534
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:32,960
[audience laughing]

535
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,440
Okay, we got there.

536
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,000
I said, "Dad, what do you reckon
about Jenno?"

537
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,280
And he said, "Oh, yeah. Yeah."

538
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,200
"Yeah, I... anyway."

539
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,840
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway..."

540
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,720
"What's your mother reckon? I probably..."

541
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:50,800
[laughs]

542
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,880
Dad can't tell stories.

543
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,520
That is a thing.
My dad is the worst storyteller.

544
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,240
At the same time, my mum is the best.

545
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,440
And one of my favorite sports

546
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,640
is watching my dad try and tell a story
in front of my mum,

547
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,000
because it drives her spare.

548
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,040
You can just see her vibrating,

549
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:17,120
waiting for the first opportunity
to hijack his story plane.

550
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,280
But the thing is
you cannot hijack my dad's story planes,

551
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,760
because they never
get off the fucking ground.

552
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:25,840
[audience laughing]

553
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:28,880
Never.

554
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:34,240
He's like, "I don't know if I told you.
The other day, I went to the shops

555
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:35,880
to get some milk, you see?"

556
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:40,160
"But I'd gotten up
at about quarter to seven."

557
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,560
"Usually, I get up
at around quarter past six,

558
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,360
quarter to six, give or take.
But I slept in."

559
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,040
"A couple nights earlier,
I'd had disrupted sleep,

560
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,200
'cause Margaret rang up,
and I was a bit unsettled."

561
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:53,720
"You never catch up the sleep
the next night."

562
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:55,320
"It's a couple of nights later."

563
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:59,560
"So I slept in to about quarter to seven
thereabouts, and, um..."

564
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:04,200
"Which meant by the time I went
to the shops to get the milk, you see,

565
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,920
the school traffic had hit. My word!"

566
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,480
"Oh, my word! I reckon what they're doing

567
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,760
is they're trying to avoid the backlog
on the main road

568
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:18,080
and coming past our place.
I reckon they're all doing that

569
00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:21,080
and the main road's empty.
There's so many of them."

570
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:24,400
And you just see Mum.
She's just like... [grumbles]

571
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,040
"Will you shut up?"

572
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:30,800
And Dad's like... [mumbling]
"I'm trying to tell a story."

573
00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:33,720
She said, "That's not a story, Roger."

574
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,400
"That's just a list of facts
you've remembered

575
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,240
on your way to being a very boring man."

576
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:41,240
- [audience laughing]
- [Hannah puffs air]

577
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:42,160
[chuckles]

578
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:44,200
Brutal!

579
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:51,480
My dad doesn't get too upset. He's like,
"Oh, anyway, how about a cuppa?"

580
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:53,720
"I've got some milk."

581
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,960
He's a very mild-mannered man,
very mild-mannered.

582
00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,920
My parents' parenting style was very much

583
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,800
bad cop, asleep cop.

584
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:06,760
That's how they rolled.

585
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:09,120
Dad never raised his voice at us kids.

586
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:13,480
He's very quietly spoken.
He only ever really raised it once,

587
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:15,960
and it was so shocking,
I'll never forget it.

588
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:20,160
It's just so in contrast
to who I knew him as.

589
00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:22,240
So what happened was

590
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,080
he dropped a bit of cheese,

591
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:28,080
and the dog got it.

592
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:29,840
[audience laughing]

593
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:31,360
[Hannah] That's his line.

594
00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,200
It wasn't even a fancy bit of cheese,
you know?

595
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,080
It's just some Homebrand cheddar.

596
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,400
But it was his cheese,

597
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:41,880
and he dropped it,

598
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:43,520
and the dog got it.

599
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:46,760
And he's like... [yelling]
"Get out of there, you bloody mongrel!"

600
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,640
"Go on with you! Go on! Drop it! Drop it!"

601
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,200
[in normal voice]
And the dog's like... Blech.

602
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:54,400
[audience laughing]

603
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:59,160
And my brother and I were there,
just going, "Who are you?"

604
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,160
Dad's like, "Yeah. Bloody hell. Yeah."

605
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:02,320
[grumbling]

606
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:06,320
[spits]

607
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,000
I've gotta spit it out.
We'll probably cut that out. [laughs]

608
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:12,600
Been touring this show for a year.

609
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,400
Every night, I commit to that.

610
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,080
Swallow...

611
00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:20,960
the pretend cheese.

612
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:25,520
And my mind's going,
"No. It's been on the floor."

613
00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,720
But it hasn't. It's not real.

614
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,400
In my mind, I don't think it matters.

615
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:37,360
I can't pretend swallow
the pretend cheese.

616
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,600
That's probably why
I can't sleep with men.

617
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:43,760
Hey!

618
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:44,840
No.

619
00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:46,920
[audience cheering and applauding]

620
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:51,880
Doesn't make any sense.

621
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:54,280
[chuckles]

622
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:59,920
I had a lot of girlfriends
before Jenno. Um...

623
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:02,200
I'm not bragging, but it was a lot. G'day.

624
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:03,720
Um... [laughs]

625
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:07,080
I didn't set out to be a netballer. I...

626
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,160
[audience laughing]

627
00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:12,600
I'm just not very good at relating,

628
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:18,400
and it turns out relating is a good part
of what a relationship is.

629
00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:20,560
It was nothing too dramatic.

630
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:24,920
Most of my relationships ended
with us folding in mutual exhaustion.

631
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:25,840
Um...

632
00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:29,600
I once got dumped
because I got caught out in a lie.

633
00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:32,800
Um, I was really delighted, personally,

634
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,000
because I'm really bad at lying.

635
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:41,160
I can't pretend swallow pretend cheese
and then not tell you about it. Like, I'm...

636
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:43,960
So for me to be able to tell a lie,

637
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:48,280
then hold onto it for long enough
for it to become a betrayal of trust,

638
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:52,440
that felt, to me,
like a sign of maturation, you know?

639
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:55,560
Like, "One day, I'll be a real boy."
You know?

640
00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,360
I'll tell you what happened.
I feel like you've gone cold.

641
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,120
[whispering]
"I thought we could trust you."

642
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:04,960
[in normal voice] What happened was
my girlfriend asked

643
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:06,760
if I wanted an ice cream.

644
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,320
I know. High stakes.

645
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:14,280
And I said yes,
'cause I wanted the ice cream.

646
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:16,720
That wasn't the lie. I'm not a monster.

647
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:19,760
But this is how I said yes.

648
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:23,480
I said, "Yeah. I scream, you scream,
we all scream for ice cream."

649
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:27,840
And she said,
"Wow! Did you just make that up?"

650
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:31,520
[audience laughing]

651
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,880
"Yes, yes, I did. Yes." I know.

652
00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:39,040
[audience applauding]

653
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:40,080
Why not?

654
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:45,240
Now, I'm pretty sure
I was about to self-correct.

655
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,440
Right, right? I didn't feel like
I was gonna hold onto that one.

656
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:53,040
But then I got an ice cream,
very distracted, and I forgot.

657
00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,760
Six months later, she found out...

658
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,920
that I wasn't such a gifted poet
after all.

659
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,920
She was very upset.

660
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:07,400
She said, "You lied to me."

661
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:11,800
"How could I ever trust you again?
You lied to me."

662
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:16,880
And in the end, I said, "Honestly,
I don't think I should be held accountable

663
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:21,320
for all the glaring gaps
in your general knowledge." [chuckles]

664
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:23,160
[audience laughing and applauding]

665
00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:24,240
I know.

666
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:32,040
I think that falls under the category
of bad at relating.

667
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:37,000
My worst breakup,
uh, I did the breaking up,

668
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:39,720
and it was really bad
because it didn't take.

669
00:34:40,720 --> 00:34:45,360
[chuckles] I broke up with my girlfriend,
and nothing happened.

670
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:49,200
Everything just remained
exactly as it had.

671
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:52,600
It was like reverse ghosting.
It was very intense.

672
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:57,920
I was so shocked, it took another week
to have another crack.

673
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:01,520
I said, "I don't want to be
in this relationship,"

674
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:03,720
and she said, "Yeah, but I do."

675
00:35:03,720 --> 00:35:05,560
[audience laughing]

676
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:08,120
I said, "I don't think
it works like that."

677
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:11,240
"I think we both have to be yeses,

678
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,280
or it's a no."

679
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,080
"Like, it's a consent thing."

680
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:20,200
And she said,
"Yeah, how's that working out for you?"

681
00:35:20,720 --> 00:35:21,920
[mouthing] I know.

682
00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:27,160
Now, honestly, I don't remember
how that relationship really ended.

683
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,200
I mean, I think we've broken up.

684
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:35,680
But I don't have a lot of strong memories
of that time of my life.

685
00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:38,320
It was quite a long time ago,
20-odd years,

686
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:40,720
and it wasn't a great time of my life.

687
00:35:40,720 --> 00:35:43,640
And the thing about shit things,
shit life,

688
00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:45,840
is you're never having a shit life,

689
00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:48,440
and your brain's going,
"Let's remember this."

690
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,880
"Let's hang onto this
for a bit of nostalgia nom nom later."

691
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,000
No. It's just memory soup in there.

692
00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,920
You just fucking chuck it in the back.
Whatever. Right?

693
00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:58,520
It's memory soup, right?

694
00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:02,080
I only have one really clear memory
of that relationship,

695
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:04,560
and it works like a film trailer.

696
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,280
You know when you watch a film trailer,
and it's very busy,

697
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,200
and at the end of it,
you're left with a lot of questions

698
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:15,160
and absolutely no fucking desire
to watch that piece of shit?

699
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:17,440
That's how it works.

700
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,160
Now, what happened is
we're driving very late at night.

701
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:22,080
My girlfriend was driving. I wasn't.

702
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,320
That's how it works in cars.

703
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:25,320
And...

704
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:29,600
I don't know where we were coming from
or going to,

705
00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:33,600
but it was a back road, very dark.
Only lights were the headlights.

706
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:35,640
It was unsealed, so very gravelly.

707
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:38,840
And she's a bit of a lead foot,
so speeding, right?

708
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:41,680
And then all of a sudden,
she just slams on the brakes.

709
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:45,440
And the truck's just fishtailing
all over the road. It's terrifying.

710
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:50,720
Then it just spun a full 360 around
and then stopped in a cloud of dust.

711
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:52,160
But she was out the door

712
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,680
before it even registered
that we'd stopped.

713
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,040
And I had no idea what was happening.

714
00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,600
She's run around the front of the truck
and bent down.

715
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,560
I couldn't see her.
I'm like, "What's happening?"

716
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:03,640
"What is happening?"

717
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:05,720
And when she stood up,

718
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:10,280
she was holding a dead rabbit by the ears.

719
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,240
Yeah, all right.
Just listen to yourselves there.

720
00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:17,680
That is the response
of a lesbian-heavy audience.

721
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:19,520
- [audience laughing]
- Isn't it?

722
00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:23,120
A little rabbit gets hurt,
and you're like, "The worst."

723
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,480
And yet you seemed fine
as I walked you step by step

724
00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:29,240
through a borderline abusive relationship.

725
00:37:29,240 --> 00:37:31,080
- [audience laughing]
- There you are.

726
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:38,240
Dead rabbit? [wails]

727
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:44,880
Anyway, she's holding up the dead rabbit,
and she's smiling.

728
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,680
And I'm confused. I don't know
what emotions I'm supposed to be having,

729
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:53,160
but I don't think happiness
would be top on the list.

730
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,120
Right? And she's like, "It's a clean hit."

731
00:37:57,080 --> 00:38:00,440
I know. I'm like, "Were we playing a game,
and I didn't know?"

732
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:04,120
And she's like,
"I'm gonna take it home for the dogs."

733
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,080
I'm like, "Oh, no, fuck. Come on."

734
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:10,200
And then she said the worst thing
I've ever heard.

735
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:11,760
She said,

736
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:14,680
"I think I'm gonna skin it now."

737
00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:15,840
[audience exclaiming]

738
00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:21,080
I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no, no.
Why, why, why, why?"

739
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:22,680
"How?"

740
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:25,400
And then I found out.

741
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:31,920
She bent down again. I couldn't see her.
I'm like, "What the fuck is happening?"

742
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:34,680
And when she stands up,

743
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:39,480
she's got the little bunny's ankle
in her teeth.

744
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,320
- [audience screaming]
- Yeah, fucking shut up.

745
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,840
You didn't have to kiss her later.

746
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:44,840
[mouthing] I know.

747
00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:46,120
[audience exclaiming]

748
00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:48,080
She's like...

749
00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:50,640
[grunting] ...trying to get
a bit of purchase.

750
00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:51,600
[grunts]

751
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:53,880
You see it. You hear... [clicks tongue]

752
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:58,800
And then she just peels it.

753
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:02,320
Like, it is just one fluid movement.
It's just like...

754
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:03,560
[squelching sounds]

755
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:08,960
Like, it was the most incredible,
fucked-up thing I've ever seen.

756
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:12,160
It was like the shittest magic trick
you could imagine.

757
00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:15,560
Because there's no sleight of hand.

758
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,000
You see everything,

759
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,320
and yet it's still a trick.

760
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:23,480
'Cause she's like, "I've got one rabbit."

761
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,160
"Now I've got two."

762
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,320
"One of them is red."

763
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,040
[mouthing] I know. [speaking] I know.

764
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,160
You wouldn't watch that film, would you?

765
00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:38,280
That got a bit dark there.
I'll give you that.

766
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,400
That bit, that's the darkest
this show will get, right?

767
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,400
This is-- That's it. It's all light now.

768
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:49,560
I met Jenno, which is a relief,
'cause otherwise--

769
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:52,760
This is a very elaborate catfishing show,
isn't it? Um...

770
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:55,960
But, no, I met her at a very strange time
of my life.

771
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:57,800
She was the on-the-ground producer

772
00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:01,480
of my off-Broadway run of <i>Nanette</i>
back in the day.

773
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:05,320
And, um, she was
the first American I met off the plane,

774
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,840
and apparently, I've just gone,
"Yep, come on. You'll do."

775
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:09,120
[audience laughing]

776
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:10,880
No, no. I did flirt. I did flirt.

777
00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:12,400
I did this, "Hello, madam."

778
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:15,080
It's very... [laughs] ...very effective.

779
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:18,400
And... but it was about six months.
We met about six months

780
00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:22,040
before the Netflix of it all
completely turned my life upside down.

781
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:24,800
And I realize in hindsight
that I didn't use those...

782
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:26,920
those six months wisely, you know?

783
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:29,080
I mostly napped, you know?

784
00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,760
I'm... I'm a slumberjack. What can I say?

785
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:35,840
And I realize what I should have
been doing in those six months is

786
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:38,960
I should have been preparing for fame.

787
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:42,920
Um, you can't land cold on that shit
like I did,

788
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,640
'cause it fucks you up,
and you fuck it up, right?

789
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,200
Honestly, you must prepare for fame.

790
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:51,120
If you take anything away from this show,
take that.

791
00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,320
Prepare for fame.
Make sure you're prepared.

792
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:55,080
Be prepared for fame.

793
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:57,360
Don't worry about natural disasters.

794
00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:59,120
Don't. Just prepare for fame.

795
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,640
Don't expect it. That's gross. But just...

796
00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:03,120
[audience laughing]

797
00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:05,720
On the off chance
you find yourself famous,

798
00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:07,280
you'd better be prepared,

799
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:11,320
because I wasn't, and I made
a dog's breakfast of it. Absolutely.

800
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:15,000
If I'd have been prepared for fame,
when I met Ruby Rose,

801
00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:19,080
and she told me
how amazing she thought I was,

802
00:41:19,080 --> 00:41:20,440
if I'd had been prepared,

803
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,200
I definitely wouldn't have laughed
in her face.

804
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,200
I don't know what I meant by it.
It was not malicious.

805
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:30,800
I just think I forgot
she wasn't a picture. Do you know?

806
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:35,320
[blows raspberries]
"Why are you talking to me? Witchcraft!"

807
00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:39,080
If I'd have been prepared for fame,

808
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,480
when my path crossed with Jodie Foster...

809
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:43,280
Yeah.

810
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:48,440
No good. It's actually the second time
my path crossed with Jodie Foster.

811
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:52,120
And what happened was
it just so happened to be my birthday.

812
00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:53,600
Now, I knew that.

813
00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:56,040
That's to be expected, no?

814
00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:58,000
What wasn't expected

815
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,920
is that Jodie Foster
also knew that it was my birthday.

816
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:04,560
Right? Which is kind of cool
until you zoom out, and it's a bit creepy.

817
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:06,600
[audience laughing]

818
00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:08,960
But she arrived with a present for me.

819
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:11,640
I know.

820
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:17,000
I got a birthday present
from Jodie fucking Foster.

821
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:19,520
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- I know!

822
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:23,160
I know!

823
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,440
Context clues.

824
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:28,320
Not a good thing.

825
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:32,120
I fucked it up, remember? [laughs]

826
00:42:32,120 --> 00:42:34,840
I got a birthday present,
and it was a great one too.

827
00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:36,920
It was BANANAGRAMS. I fucking...

828
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:38,520
That's a great present.

829
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:40,840
Like, I love games. I love words.

830
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:42,800
I love handy travel pouches.

831
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,120
I love my potassium metaphorical.

832
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:47,320
It's a gift that keeps on giving.

833
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:51,240
And if I'd been prepared for fame,
I would've received the gift

834
00:42:51,240 --> 00:42:54,760
and gone, "Why, thank you.
That is very kind. You're most generous."

835
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,760
"Are you next in line for queen?"

836
00:42:57,480 --> 00:42:58,440
Or something.

837
00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:01,480
But I wasn't prepared.

838
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:02,880
Do you know what I said?

839
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,240
"I've already got BANANAGRAMS."

840
00:43:05,240 --> 00:43:06,760
[audience laughing]

841
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:10,200
I know.

842
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:11,880
I know.

843
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:18,200
It's like, "You're too late.
Better luck next time."

844
00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:21,040
Would be the subtext.

845
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:27,080
If I'd been prepared for fame,
when I met Richard Curtis,

846
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,320
I would've known who the fuck he was.

847
00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:31,400
[audience laughing]

848
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:34,000
I would've known
that he's the man responsible

849
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:37,760
for romantic classics
like <i>Notting Hill</i> and <i>Love Actually.</i>

850
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,640
And so if I'd been prepared,

851
00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:44,000
when he asked me
what my favorite romantic comedy was,

852
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,600
I might have had a diplomatic answer.

853
00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:49,720
Maybe one of his films.

854
00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:52,080
But I wasn't prepared.
Do you know what I said?

855
00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:54,760
"I don't like romantic comedies."

856
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:57,400
[audience laughing]

857
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:00,080
I know.

858
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:04,680
Richard is very practiced at being famous.
He was very gracious in that moment.

859
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:08,440
He turned that conversation right around.
Without batting an eyelid,

860
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:12,400
he showed a clear pathway
out of the awkwardness I had just created.

861
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,840
A very clear pathway I did not take.

862
00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:18,000
[audience laughing]

863
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:22,040
He said, "That's fine.
Not everyone's cup of tea."

864
00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:26,040
"But what is it about romantic comedies
that you don't like so much?"

865
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:27,600
And I said,

866
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:30,880
"I don't like the way the kissing sounds."

867
00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:32,360
[audience laughing]

868
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,400
I-- I don't know why.

869
00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:38,800
Honestly, I-I don't--

870
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,000
Hindsight is not always 20/20.

871
00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:46,920
I look back at that,
and I still don't know why I said that.

872
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:55,760
The other complicating factor of my life
when I first met Jenno

873
00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:59,720
is that I'd only just very recently
been diagnosed autistic, right?

874
00:44:59,720 --> 00:45:02,680
And I was still very much working out
what that meant for me.

875
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:05,400
And to be clear,
a lot of what that meant for me is

876
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:08,040
I don't like the way the kissing sounds.

877
00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:12,120
But when Jenno and I met,

878
00:45:12,120 --> 00:45:15,480
I was on a very steep learning curve
about where I was on the spectrum,

879
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:17,200
and what ended up happening is

880
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:19,520
as we worked together,
we learned together,

881
00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:22,600
and that turned out
to be quite the blessing for me.

882
00:45:23,120 --> 00:45:28,560
Because I need an outside eye,
it turns out,

883
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,920
because I don't know
what the fuck I'm doing

884
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:33,800
three-quarters of the time.

885
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:39,160
Jenno and I will experience
the same occasion,

886
00:45:39,680 --> 00:45:42,400
and then later on,
we'll go home, and we'll debrief.

887
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,400
And I will say, "This is what happened,"

888
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:49,160
and Jenno will say,
"Where the fuck were you?"

889
00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:50,560
[audience laughing]

890
00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:54,280
[Hannah] I know.

891
00:45:55,160 --> 00:46:01,040
I'll give you a very good example.
My senses are wired a little differently,

892
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:04,600
and one of my quirks
is I have incredibly sensitive palms.

893
00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:06,240
Uh, it's a bit of a nuisance.

894
00:46:06,240 --> 00:46:07,560
And what happens is

895
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:10,840
when I'm holding something
small and irregular-shaped,

896
00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:14,720
I can become very irritated
and almost angry.

897
00:46:14,720 --> 00:46:17,440
That's why
I can't sleep with men, actually.

898
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:18,760
- No!
- [audience laughing]

899
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:20,320
No, no, no, no.

900
00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:25,760
It doesn't make any sense,
but you went with it.

901
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:28,720
I do like saying
"small and irregular-shaped," though.

902
00:46:28,720 --> 00:46:30,520
That's fun. That's fun.

903
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:33,280
Anyway, so I could be holding
something small and irregular-shaped,

904
00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:36,320
and I get angry,
and I have to not hold it very quickly.

905
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:38,040
Right? I was like... and I'm like... Argh!

906
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:39,040
[item clatters]

907
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:44,560
And I say to Jenno,
"I drop things a lot. I'm very clumsy."

908
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:48,280
And she said, "Nah. You didn't drop that."

909
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:51,760
"Look how far away it is."

910
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:55,280
That really came to bear

911
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:58,520
the first time
my path crossed with Jodie Foster.

912
00:47:00,840 --> 00:47:04,560
What happened was, she came to see a show,
and she came backstage for a chat later.

913
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:05,680
What an honor.

914
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:08,880
Right? And it was very good.
We were having a chat, chat, chat.

915
00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:10,560
And during the course of the chat,

916
00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:15,120
she wrote her phone number
on a scrap bit of cardboard for me. Right?

917
00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:16,320
And I took that, and--

918
00:47:16,320 --> 00:47:19,640
Not like that, of course.
It was professional. This is business.

919
00:47:20,160 --> 00:47:23,480
It's not... She wasn't...
She's married. It's fine.

920
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:26,600
Although, now I say that out loud,
I can't be sure.

921
00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:28,680
- [audience laughing]
- [Hannah chuckles]

922
00:47:30,080 --> 00:47:32,640
It's too late now anyway,
isn't it? [chuckles]

923
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,400
No, strictly professional.
Wrote her number down.

924
00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:38,320
I think.

925
00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:40,320
And I took it, and we chat-chat-chat,

926
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:42,440
and then I started screwing it up.

927
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:45,320
Right? In front of her fucking face.

928
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,720
Like, "Thanks for your number.
That's what I think."

929
00:47:47,720 --> 00:47:49,320
I didn't know I was doing that.

930
00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:52,280
This came from Jenno's witness report
from later.

931
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:54,920
I was just in the zone.

932
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:59,760
Right? And then I was screwing it up
in front of her fucking face,

933
00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:02,520
and then I went to throw it away.

934
00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:06,480
In front of her fucking face.

935
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:12,520
And then I felt my hand pull backwards,
and I turn around.

936
00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:15,920
Jenno's there and said, "I'll take that,
I'll file it in the backpack."

937
00:48:15,920 --> 00:48:17,600
- The...
- [audience laughing]

938
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:18,960
I know!

939
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:21,640
[audience cheering and applauding]

940
00:48:21,640 --> 00:48:23,240
[Hannah] What a little ripper!

941
00:48:24,720 --> 00:48:27,120
Absolute champion.

942
00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:30,320
And that's pretty much
how our relationship works.

943
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:32,560
It's like curling.

944
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:36,040
Yep, the adorable winter sport.

945
00:48:36,680 --> 00:48:38,160
I'm the giant puck.

946
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,080
And every morning,
we have a team meeting and go,

947
00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:44,480
"This is where you need to go today."

948
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:47,840
"This is how fast you'll go.
This is the line you'll take."

949
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:50,400
"These are the things
you might bump into on the way."

950
00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:52,040
And then we send me out,

951
00:48:52,040 --> 00:48:54,680
and there's not a fucking thing
I can do about it.

952
00:48:55,520 --> 00:48:58,320
[audience laughing]

953
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:01,960
And Jenno's out front just going...

954
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:07,840
She works very hard.

955
00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:10,920
She works very hard.

956
00:49:10,920 --> 00:49:12,680
I worry a lot

957
00:49:12,680 --> 00:49:18,200
that the sweep-to-puck ratio
is too one-sided in our relationship.

958
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:20,120
I want to help Jenno.

959
00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:22,680
I wanna look after her
like she looks after me.

960
00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:26,640
But the thing about Jenno
is she's incredibly competent.

961
00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:28,440
At everything!

962
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:30,720
And I'm not.

963
00:49:31,240 --> 00:49:32,800
Like, I'm good at this.

964
00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:34,640
I'm shit-hot at this.

965
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:36,880
But the thing about this is

966
00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:39,600
this doesn't occur in the wild.

967
00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:43,400
This doesn't happen anywhere else.

968
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:47,800
This only happens
because Jenno produces it.

969
00:49:49,160 --> 00:49:50,880
[audience cheering and applauding]

970
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:52,280
[Hannah] I think that's for you.

971
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:57,800
Sometimes I try.

972
00:49:58,320 --> 00:50:02,240
Sometimes I try to sweep for Jenno.
Right? I try to be the hero,

973
00:50:02,240 --> 00:50:05,240
and without fail,

974
00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:06,400
I fuck it up.

975
00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:11,120
But one time,
the one time I tried to be the hero,

976
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:12,800
and I still fucked it up,

977
00:50:13,320 --> 00:50:18,120
but I failed so spectacularly,
like, so thoroughly,

978
00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:21,840
that I went full circle
and gave success a nudge from behind.

979
00:50:22,560 --> 00:50:24,640
I did. It was incredible.

980
00:50:24,640 --> 00:50:28,120
It happened when we were out
taking the dogs for a walk. Right?

981
00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:30,480
I've got a couple dogs.
Taking them for a walk.

982
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:34,080
And Jenno's right up in front.
She's way ahead of me, right?

983
00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:37,000
And I... I'm a slow walker. Right?

984
00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:39,440
When we first started
walking the dogs together,

985
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:41,240
she would never leave my side

986
00:50:41,240 --> 00:50:44,360
because she was scared
my dogs were gonna catch a rabbit.

987
00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:47,120
Um, and I had to go, "Look at my dogs."

988
00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:48,600
Like, they're--

989
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:51,960
It looks like
the Swedish Chef fucked a sheep.

990
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:54,120
Like, they go... [warbling]

991
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:57,640
Like, my dogs are not catching a rabbit.

992
00:50:57,640 --> 00:50:59,840
I once saw my dogs chase a rabbit,

993
00:50:59,840 --> 00:51:02,400
and the rabbit got bored.

994
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,520
Right? So eventually,
like, she calmed down.

995
00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:09,040
She realized that
my dogs are not catching a rabbit,

996
00:51:09,040 --> 00:51:12,320
and so she just started
to go her own pace.

997
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:15,920
And I-- I was way behind, right?

998
00:51:16,720 --> 00:51:20,200
Because I walk slow,
but also because I had a problem to solve,

999
00:51:20,200 --> 00:51:23,200
and I can't walk and think
at the same time.

1000
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:25,880
It's part
of the problematic gait situation.

1001
00:51:26,720 --> 00:51:27,760
We're on this walk.

1002
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:30,520
I should give you a bit more context
before I go on.

1003
00:51:30,520 --> 00:51:32,920
Jenno and I did a world tour together,

1004
00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:36,960
and then we came back to Australia for
a bit of... [exaggerated enunciating] ...R&R.

1005
00:51:36,960 --> 00:51:39,120
- [audience laughing]
- [in normal voice] I'm trying.

1006
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:42,680
Um, Jenno was just gonna come
for a couple of weeks, you know?

1007
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:44,720
But that was March 2020.

1008
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:48,000
Right? So what began for Jenno

1009
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:51,960
as a fun little holiday
in a strange new land with a new partner

1010
00:51:52,880 --> 00:51:56,680
very quickly turned into
a hostage situation in the bush.

1011
00:51:57,600 --> 00:51:58,760
Right?

1012
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:03,160
Now, by and large,
we were fine during the pandemic.

1013
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:06,680
You know, ups and downs,
netball is for sluts, and all that. But...

1014
00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:11,400
But we just played a lot of games.
Right? We both love playing games.

1015
00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:14,360
Not mind games, but just games.

1016
00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:17,440
I played my first-ever game of <i>Guess Who?</i>
with Jenno.

1017
00:52:17,440 --> 00:52:20,840
That was a revelation.
We didn't have <i>Guess Who?</i> growing up.

1018
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,920
Too fancy. Too many moving parts.
You know what I'm saying?

1019
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:27,360
We were a backgammon family.
Right? I fucking love backgammon.

1020
00:52:27,360 --> 00:52:28,960
That backgammon briefcase

1021
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:31,840
is the fanciest piece of furniture
in our house.

1022
00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:36,160
That two-toned brown pleather. Mm, yummy!

1023
00:52:36,160 --> 00:52:39,360
I love that backgammon briefcase.
If no one was playing backgammon,

1024
00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:42,960
I'd be walking around the house with it,
going, "I'm on business."

1025
00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:44,600
[audience laughing]

1026
00:52:44,600 --> 00:52:47,200
For one brief period of time,

1027
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:49,600
I used it as my school bag.

1028
00:52:51,840 --> 00:52:54,800
"I'm not going to school.
I'm on business."

1029
00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:57,640
Bullied? Absolutely.

1030
00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:00,720
But the beauty of me is I had no idea.

1031
00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:03,920
They were like, "Nice bag, fuckwit."

1032
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:05,880
I'm like, "Thank you."

1033
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:07,960
[audience laughing and applauding]

1034
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:10,800
It got to the stage
my brother had to pull me aside. He said,

1035
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:14,200
"You can't take that to school anymore.
I'm being bullied by proxy."

1036
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,760
I said, "But I'm on business." "At home."

1037
00:53:20,880 --> 00:53:22,720
I'd never played <i>Guess Who?</i> before,

1038
00:53:22,720 --> 00:53:26,080
and Jenno very kindly offered to teach me,
to tell me the rules,

1039
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:28,400
and I very arrogantly said, "No need."

1040
00:53:29,200 --> 00:53:32,120
"I've seen the adverts.
It's child's play."

1041
00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:35,960
This is my first question ever,

1042
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:39,160
playing <i>Guess Who?</i> at age 42.

1043
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:43,840
I said, "Okay, it's your first day
at a new job."

1044
00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:48,760
I know, I know, I know.

1045
00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:50,760
Gets worse.

1046
00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:54,280
I said, "It's your first day
at a new job,

1047
00:53:54,280 --> 00:53:56,360
and you're very overwhelmed.
There's a lot to learn."

1048
00:53:56,360 --> 00:53:58,640
"You keep making mistakes.
Everyone's being kind,

1049
00:53:58,640 --> 00:54:02,520
but you're not sure how long their
generosity of spirit is going to last,

1050
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:05,400
particularly because
you keep getting their names wrong."

1051
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:07,920
"It's morning tea time.
You go to the break room,

1052
00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:11,400
you make yourself a cup of tea
to gather your wits and calm down."

1053
00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:13,840
"Then your person walks in
with that face."

1054
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:15,520
"Do you want to slap them?"

1055
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:16,960
[audience laughing]

1056
00:54:19,040 --> 00:54:19,920
I know.

1057
00:54:23,200 --> 00:54:24,400
To which Jenno said,

1058
00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:25,640
"No."

1059
00:54:26,560 --> 00:54:28,560
And, "Wow."

1060
00:54:29,720 --> 00:54:33,600
Then she said, "Look, Hannah,
I don't think we read faces the same way."

1061
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:38,520
"What is it about this face
that you find so slappable?"

1062
00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:41,960
I said, "That's a great question.
Thank you for asking."

1063
00:54:41,960 --> 00:54:43,800
And I looked again, and I'm like,

1064
00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:46,000
"Oh, yeah, actually quite a few have it."

1065
00:54:47,520 --> 00:54:48,440
"I've got it."

1066
00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:51,040
"Can you see their teeth?"

1067
00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:55,920
To which Jenno said, "Do you mean

1068
00:54:56,640 --> 00:54:58,200
are they smiling?"

1069
00:54:58,720 --> 00:55:00,720
[audience laughing]

1070
00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:05,720
I know.

1071
00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:10,360
It turns out
I find friendliness threatening.

1072
00:55:11,880 --> 00:55:15,600
Now, that might have something to do
with my autism.

1073
00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:17,880
But it might also have something to do

1074
00:55:17,880 --> 00:55:20,560
with those couple of years
Mum had too big false teeth.

1075
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:23,240
No? Nature-nurture.

1076
00:55:24,360 --> 00:55:25,600
We'll never unravel.

1077
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:27,160
[chuckles]

1078
00:55:29,480 --> 00:55:33,280
So, I was fine during the pandemic.
Thank you for asking. I...

1079
00:55:33,280 --> 00:55:35,160
'Cause I don't need
a lot of human interaction

1080
00:55:35,160 --> 00:55:37,640
to keep my soul afloat. Right?

1081
00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:42,920
Um, but I am embarrassed to admit
that it didn't occur to me

1082
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:48,320
to consider that Jenno
might be having a different experience

1083
00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:55,280
as an American in a foreign country,
trapped during a global pandemic

1084
00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:59,280
in the bush, as I insisted on calling it.

1085
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:02,560
Right? It just... it didn't occur to me

1086
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:07,880
until one day I overheard her
having a conversation with one of my dogs,

1087
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:10,840
which should have been the red flag.

1088
00:56:12,200 --> 00:56:13,400
Somehow, it wasn't.

1089
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:16,120
Right? She said, "Douglas,

1090
00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:19,480
I didn't have time for dogs
before the pandemic."

1091
00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:21,160
"You are a lot of work."

1092
00:56:22,520 --> 00:56:24,720
"But now, you're my best friend."

1093
00:56:25,600 --> 00:56:26,600
I know.

1094
00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:28,480
Jasper was right there.

1095
00:56:29,440 --> 00:56:30,640
I know.

1096
00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:35,760
No. It's okay.
He's a rescue. He knows his place.

1097
00:56:36,320 --> 00:56:38,320
- Oh, oh!
- [audience laughing]

1098
00:56:38,320 --> 00:56:39,320
Oh-ho!

1099
00:56:39,320 --> 00:56:42,680
That's the edgiest joke you can do
in front of a lesbian-heavy audience,

1100
00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:43,600
isn't it?

1101
00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:45,960
It's like punch down on a rescue animal.

1102
00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:47,040
Edgelord!

1103
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:51,520
It's just jokes. I love him.
He's my little rescue prince. Don't worry.

1104
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:52,440
Anyway...

1105
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:57,440
I heard that, though, and I... [chuckles]

1106
00:56:57,440 --> 00:57:00,920
I was a little, like, taken aback.

1107
00:57:00,920 --> 00:57:04,800
Right? I didn't like hearing that,
because I'm Jenno's partner.

1108
00:57:06,760 --> 00:57:08,200
I'm her employer.

1109
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:10,520
[audience laughing]

1110
00:57:11,280 --> 00:57:13,720
Then I find out
during the course of that conversation

1111
00:57:13,720 --> 00:57:16,160
that I also own her best friend.

1112
00:57:17,080 --> 00:57:23,080
And I'm like, "Aw, that's not great.
I don't like this balance of power."

1113
00:57:23,080 --> 00:57:25,600
So I... I decided right there and then,

1114
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:30,960
I said, "It is my job
to help Jenno connect to the community."

1115
00:57:30,960 --> 00:57:35,640
Right? And so later that afternoon,
we're out walking the dogs,

1116
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:40,120
and Jenno's way up ahead
with her best friend Douglas. Right?

1117
00:57:40,640 --> 00:57:42,680
And I'm-- I'm way back here,

1118
00:57:42,680 --> 00:57:47,200
almost at a standstill,
'cause it's a hard problem. Right?

1119
00:57:47,200 --> 00:57:49,880
The idea that
I could help anybody socially

1120
00:57:49,880 --> 00:57:51,360
is a fucking joke.

1121
00:57:53,040 --> 00:57:56,680
I didn't solve it this day. I don't want
you to think that's where we're heading.

1122
00:57:56,680 --> 00:57:58,160
I did not solve this issue.

1123
00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:02,000
I solved it six months later.
I did. Quite by accident.

1124
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:05,480
It was during that time, you know,
when in between variants.

1125
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:09,560
You know, that little perineum of time,
you know, when we... [chuckles]

1126
00:58:10,200 --> 00:58:11,720
...when we thought it was over?

1127
00:58:11,720 --> 00:58:14,000
And then it's like, "Omicron." You know?

1128
00:58:14,000 --> 00:58:16,080
And I was at the supermarket,

1129
00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:18,560
and I saw a poster
for the local football team,

1130
00:58:18,560 --> 00:58:20,240
and I thought, "That's it."

1131
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:24,520
"What a great way for an American
to connect to small-town Australia

1132
00:58:25,040 --> 00:58:27,560
than play a sport she's never even seen?"

1133
00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:30,880
I took the poster home and said,

1134
00:58:30,880 --> 00:58:33,200
"You should join
the local women's football team."

1135
00:58:33,200 --> 00:58:35,400
And she said, "You took the poster."

1136
00:58:38,680 --> 00:58:41,960
And I said,
"Yep, yep. Facts, information."

1137
00:58:42,480 --> 00:58:45,640
And she said, "Do you reckon
anyone else might want that information?"

1138
00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:49,520
And I'm like, "I don't know.
I don't know how teams work."

1139
00:58:50,880 --> 00:58:53,600
But she did join the team, the Tigers.

1140
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,560
You know what their club motto is?

1141
00:58:55,560 --> 00:58:57,640
"How dare we fail?"

1142
00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:01,400
We don't even know what tense that's in.

1143
00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:02,800
[audience laughing]

1144
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:06,080
Do you say it before a game,
or do you say it after the game?

1145
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:11,760
Is that motivational, or is it shaming,
or is it a genius mix of the two?

1146
00:59:11,760 --> 00:59:13,040
I don't know.

1147
00:59:14,520 --> 00:59:15,600
It's brilliant.

1148
00:59:15,600 --> 00:59:17,640
[audience applauding]

1149
00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:24,200
She came home from her first
training session full of stories.

1150
00:59:24,720 --> 00:59:25,560
Full of stories.

1151
00:59:25,560 --> 00:59:27,640
I said, "How'd you go?" And she said,

1152
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:30,080
"They don't call it football."

1153
00:59:30,080 --> 00:59:31,400
"They call it footy."

1154
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:34,760
"And you're not allowed
to throw the footyball."

1155
00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:37,480
"But you're allowed
to slap it to a friend."

1156
00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:40,760
Then she said,
"I like tackling, I love tackling,

1157
00:59:40,760 --> 00:59:43,720
but you gotta let go... as soon as
you hear the whistle, you gotta let go."

1158
00:59:43,720 --> 00:59:45,880
"Otherwise, you give away
a 50-meter penalty."

1159
00:59:45,880 --> 00:59:48,840
"I don't know how far 50 meters is,
so that's irrelevant to me."

1160
00:59:49,760 --> 00:59:53,600
"I counted seven redheads on that team.
That seems like a lot."

1161
00:59:53,600 --> 00:59:56,160
"Although three of them insisted
they were strawberry blonde,

1162
00:59:56,160 --> 00:59:57,800
but I don't believe that."

1163
00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:00,360
"This is anecdotal,

1164
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:03,040
but only 40% of the team
seemed to know who you are."

1165
01:00:03,040 --> 01:00:06,080
"The other 60%
would rather talk about potatoes."

1166
01:00:06,920 --> 01:00:09,160
As I sat there listening to Jenno's story,

1167
01:00:09,160 --> 01:00:12,600
I realized what it is
about Jenno's stories

1168
01:00:13,440 --> 01:00:14,880
that I love so much.

1169
01:00:14,880 --> 01:00:18,640
Because what you have there
is not a story.

1170
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:21,600
What that is

1171
01:00:21,600 --> 01:00:23,760
is a list of facts.

1172
01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,240
Because I've married my fucking father.

1173
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:30,160
[audience laughing]

1174
01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:31,320
Absolutely.

1175
01:00:35,160 --> 01:00:37,800
And unlike my mum, I'm there for it.

1176
01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:41,760
I fucking love it.
Like, I am there for it. I love--

1177
01:00:41,760 --> 01:00:45,520
She collects such great facts. Right?

1178
01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:48,120
Most of them are relevant.
Some are a bit left-field.

1179
01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:52,040
Others are totally obscure
but then become relevant later.

1180
01:00:52,040 --> 01:00:55,120
She's excellent.
But it's not just the facts she collects.

1181
01:00:55,120 --> 01:00:57,200
It's how she stacks the facts.

1182
01:00:57,720 --> 01:00:59,480
She's like a fact Brâncuşi.

1183
01:00:59,480 --> 01:01:02,120
Because you think you're going somewhere,

1184
01:01:02,120 --> 01:01:04,800
and then she gets to the end of it,
and you're like, "Nah."

1185
01:01:04,800 --> 01:01:06,840
[audience laughing]

1186
01:01:07,440 --> 01:01:09,280
It's just a list of facts.

1187
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:13,360
I love it, because I don't get
to collect facts like that

1188
01:01:13,360 --> 01:01:14,600
in new situations.

1189
01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:17,520
If I go into a new environment,
I'm not collecting facts.

1190
01:01:18,280 --> 01:01:21,960
I'm absorbing everything,
like, absorbing it all,

1191
01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:25,000
and I'm not filing it away.
I just get soggy.

1192
01:01:25,000 --> 01:01:28,240
Right? I get soggy and overwhelmed,
and then I have to go home,

1193
01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:32,160
and I squeeze myself out and just go,
"What the fuck just happened?"

1194
01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:34,360
"And why are there so many teeth?"

1195
01:01:34,360 --> 01:01:36,440
[audience laughing]

1196
01:01:36,440 --> 01:01:38,800
But since being with Jenno,
I'm getting more confident,

1197
01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:41,200
because I know
if we're together in a new situation,

1198
01:01:41,200 --> 01:01:44,320
she's collecting the facts,
and I can make sense later.

1199
01:01:44,320 --> 01:01:45,280
It's really great.

1200
01:01:45,280 --> 01:01:48,720
So I really wanted her to go back
and get more facts.

1201
01:01:49,560 --> 01:01:52,960
I said, "You gotta go back to training."
She said, "I sprained my finger."

1202
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,360
And I said, "How dare we fail?"

1203
01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:57,800
[audience laughing]

1204
01:02:01,480 --> 01:02:05,280
So she came back, and she said,
"It is a dangerous sport, Hannah."

1205
01:02:05,280 --> 01:02:07,320
"The captain was out last year
with a knee injury."

1206
01:02:07,320 --> 01:02:08,760
"She was injured during a game."

1207
01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:12,080
"Caz was also out with a knee injury,
but she wasn't injured during a game."

1208
01:02:12,080 --> 01:02:13,960
"She was run over by a cow."

1209
01:02:13,960 --> 01:02:15,400
[audience laughing]

1210
01:02:15,400 --> 01:02:18,400
"Which was not,
as I first thought, a euphemism."

1211
01:02:19,440 --> 01:02:22,400
"Then there's Shaz, right?
She can't train at the moment,

1212
01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:26,480
'cause she's gotta wait for the stutter
to sort itself out after the concussion."

1213
01:02:26,480 --> 01:02:28,120
"But she came to--" I know.

1214
01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,960
"She came to training anyway
and stood on the boundary line."

1215
01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:33,280
"I think she's
what you would call a tradie

1216
01:02:33,280 --> 01:02:36,360
because she was wearing a lot
of what you would call high vis,

1217
01:02:36,360 --> 01:02:38,400
and she had a hat with a tractor on it."

1218
01:02:38,400 --> 01:02:40,720
"And she was smoking a durry,
which is not drugs."

1219
01:02:40,720 --> 01:02:42,520
"It's a ciggy, which is a cigarette."

1220
01:02:42,520 --> 01:02:45,600
"And she was drinking beer out of a tin,
which is called a tinny."

1221
01:02:47,040 --> 01:02:49,800
"Now, her name's Shannon,
but they call her Shaz."

1222
01:02:50,800 --> 01:02:53,200
"They call Laura 'Lauz.'
They call Terry 'Tez.'"

1223
01:02:53,200 --> 01:02:55,760
"And when they say 'sorry,'
they say 'soz.'"

1224
01:02:56,960 --> 01:03:01,360
"And when I heard Kaz say
they called the ambo for Shaz,

1225
01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:06,440
I'm like, 'I've got it. I've got it.
I know what you do with words.'"

1226
01:03:07,760 --> 01:03:10,120
"I know what you people do with words."

1227
01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:14,800
"You take a perfectly good noun.
You chop it off at the nearest consonant."

1228
01:03:14,800 --> 01:03:17,440
"You get rid of the rest.
You tack on a Zed or an O."

1229
01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:19,000
"That is what you do."

1230
01:03:20,160 --> 01:03:21,040
I know.

1231
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:22,840
[audience cheering and applauding]

1232
01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:24,920
And I said, "Yeah,

1233
01:03:26,080 --> 01:03:27,520
Jenno."

1234
01:03:27,520 --> 01:03:29,160
[audience laughing]

1235
01:03:29,160 --> 01:03:30,720
And she said...

1236
01:03:32,240 --> 01:03:33,240
"Oh."

1237
01:03:33,240 --> 01:03:35,160
[audience laughing]

1238
01:03:36,320 --> 01:03:38,600
"Oh, I thought that was special to me."

1239
01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:43,400
And I said, "No."

1240
01:03:43,400 --> 01:03:45,400
[audience laughing]

1241
01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:48,080
"My brother calls his wife Jenno."

1242
01:03:49,200 --> 01:03:50,720
"It's Beno and Jenno."

1243
01:03:50,720 --> 01:03:53,040
"I've already got BANANAGRAMS."

1244
01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:55,240
I just...

1245
01:03:56,240 --> 01:03:58,640
I do learn lessons.

1246
01:03:58,640 --> 01:04:02,080
I do, but they're very specific.

1247
01:04:02,960 --> 01:04:07,920
You know, if Jodie Foster were to give me
BANANAGRAMS for my birthday again,

1248
01:04:07,920 --> 01:04:09,760
I will know what to do.

1249
01:04:11,400 --> 01:04:14,280
But if Tom Cruise gave me <i>Guess Who?</i>
for Christmas,

1250
01:04:14,280 --> 01:04:16,840
I'd probably slap that toothy menace.

1251
01:04:17,960 --> 01:04:19,960
[audience laughing and applauding]

1252
01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:21,840
[Hannah giggles]

1253
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:25,480
Anyway, that was six months later.

1254
01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:29,920
Six months earlier, I'm still--
I'm trying to solve that problem.

1255
01:04:29,920 --> 01:04:32,160
Jenno is way ahead
with her best friend Douglas.

1256
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:35,440
I'm dawdling. Jasper is in the bushes
rabble-rousing, right?

1257
01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:38,000
And he ends up
flushing out a little rabbit,

1258
01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:40,560
and it hops on the path in front of me.

1259
01:04:41,080 --> 01:04:44,480
And it stops, looks up at me,
and I look down at it.

1260
01:04:45,000 --> 01:04:47,840
It's just a magical little moment.

1261
01:04:47,840 --> 01:04:50,000
It felt like just the two of us.

1262
01:04:50,520 --> 01:04:53,840
I'm like, "Oh, my God. I'm Snow White."

1263
01:04:57,720 --> 01:04:59,400
And then I clock it.

1264
01:04:59,400 --> 01:05:01,280
I'm like, "Oh, no."

1265
01:05:01,280 --> 01:05:04,000
"You don't have the fear, mate, do you?"

1266
01:05:04,000 --> 01:05:05,640
He's like, "I sure don't."

1267
01:05:06,480 --> 01:05:08,560
"I'm diseased." [laughs]

1268
01:05:08,560 --> 01:05:10,120
I know. Rotting eyeballs.

1269
01:05:10,120 --> 01:05:13,640
And I'm like, "Not today.
I don't think today is the day

1270
01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:15,840
we want my dogs
catching their first rabbit,

1271
01:05:15,840 --> 01:05:16,920
and it's diseased,

1272
01:05:16,920 --> 01:05:19,840
and Jenno is homesick,
and I've only just found out."

1273
01:05:21,080 --> 01:05:24,680
And I'm not proud of this,
but I just gave it a bit of a toe poke

1274
01:05:25,360 --> 01:05:26,640
to get it off the path.

1275
01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:29,080
It tumbled down the clover
under some shrubbery.

1276
01:05:29,080 --> 01:05:30,720
I'm like, "Great. I nailed that."

1277
01:05:30,720 --> 01:05:33,880
I look up. Jenno hasn't seen it,
and I'm like, "Yes."

1278
01:05:34,880 --> 01:05:36,240
But Jasper has,

1279
01:05:36,840 --> 01:05:40,640
and he comes tearing out, and he's like,
"I'm gonna get my first rabbit."

1280
01:05:40,640 --> 01:05:42,520
'Cause he's a feral fucker. I love him.

1281
01:05:42,520 --> 01:05:45,600
He's like, "I'm gonna get..."
And I'm like, "Not on my watch."

1282
01:05:45,600 --> 01:05:47,840
And now, I didn't kick him.

1283
01:05:48,520 --> 01:05:50,080
I didn't kick him.

1284
01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:52,880
My leg was entirely still.

1285
01:05:53,400 --> 01:05:55,360
He made a decision.

1286
01:05:55,360 --> 01:05:57,160
[audience laughing]

1287
01:05:57,160 --> 01:06:01,800
Let's be clear on that.
He made a decision to run into my leg,

1288
01:06:01,800 --> 01:06:05,520
and he made that decision very hard
and very fast.

1289
01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:08,920
And as soon as he hit my leg,
I've just gone... [swishes air, grunts]

1290
01:06:08,920 --> 01:06:09,840
...on the ground.

1291
01:06:09,840 --> 01:06:12,520
I just grabbed the scruff of his collar
in time.

1292
01:06:13,040 --> 01:06:14,680
And I'm like, "Phew!"

1293
01:06:14,680 --> 01:06:16,080
And then I look up.

1294
01:06:16,800 --> 01:06:19,640
And I see that Jenno has turned around,

1295
01:06:19,640 --> 01:06:21,320
and she has seen that.

1296
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:24,280
She didn't see the rabbit.

1297
01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:27,760
She just saw me pick a fight with my dog.

1298
01:06:28,520 --> 01:06:29,720
And lose.

1299
01:06:30,640 --> 01:06:34,560
So she comes running back and said,
"Why did you just kick your dog?"

1300
01:06:35,080 --> 01:06:37,120
And I said, "It was a rabbit situation."

1301
01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:41,400
"And technically, I didn't kick him.
It was more of a coathanger, and..."

1302
01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:44,040
And she said, "What's a coathanger?"

1303
01:06:44,040 --> 01:06:46,160
This was before she played footyball.

1304
01:06:46,160 --> 01:06:48,560
And she said, "What's a coathanger?"

1305
01:06:48,560 --> 01:06:51,840
And then she's like,
"Oh, my God. A bunny."

1306
01:06:52,560 --> 01:06:55,280
The fucking rabbit
didn't know it was unsafe,

1307
01:06:56,040 --> 01:06:57,800
so he didn't know he was safe,

1308
01:06:57,800 --> 01:07:00,480
so he just came back out
on the fucking path.

1309
01:07:00,480 --> 01:07:03,440
Just going, "All right, bit of a din.
What's going on here?"

1310
01:07:03,440 --> 01:07:05,120
"Can I help? You need help?"

1311
01:07:05,720 --> 01:07:09,920
And I could tell Jenno wants
to touch the bunny with her hands,

1312
01:07:09,920 --> 01:07:13,360
and Jasper wants to touch the bunny
with his mouth teeth.

1313
01:07:13,920 --> 01:07:15,000
Right?

1314
01:07:15,000 --> 01:07:17,840
And what happens next
happened very quickly,

1315
01:07:17,840 --> 01:07:20,280
but I'm gonna walk you through it.

1316
01:07:20,280 --> 01:07:23,400
And I'm going to begin with my intention,

1317
01:07:24,960 --> 01:07:26,680
because it won't be clear.

1318
01:07:28,240 --> 01:07:31,040
What I wanted to do was get my jacket

1319
01:07:31,040 --> 01:07:33,040
and then pop it over the rabbit.

1320
01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,800
Bit of... bit of coat cocoon.

1321
01:07:36,320 --> 01:07:38,400
And then just pick it up, scoop it up,

1322
01:07:38,400 --> 01:07:41,320
take it to the vet
to outsource the slaughter.

1323
01:07:41,320 --> 01:07:44,840
Right? It was distressed.
It was diseased. It was on its way out.

1324
01:07:44,840 --> 01:07:48,360
I was-- I'm the hero. All right?
I'm the hero. Just remember that.

1325
01:07:48,360 --> 01:07:50,240
That's your mantra. I'm the hero.

1326
01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:52,120
Maybe I am the man one.

1327
01:07:52,120 --> 01:07:53,040
Um...

1328
01:07:54,880 --> 01:07:56,720
Anyway, all right.

1329
01:07:56,720 --> 01:07:59,920
So what happened was
I had Jasper by the scruff of his neck.

1330
01:08:00,520 --> 01:08:03,480
I had to get to the rabbit,
but I had to give myself a head start,

1331
01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:06,840
because Jasper's got four legs,
and he's good at them.

1332
01:08:06,840 --> 01:08:09,840
I've only got the two,
and we've established, not great.

1333
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:13,080
So I gave myself a head start

1334
01:08:13,080 --> 01:08:15,680
by throwing him away.

1335
01:08:15,680 --> 01:08:17,240
[audience laughing]

1336
01:08:17,240 --> 01:08:18,280
I know.

1337
01:08:18,280 --> 01:08:21,520
But it wasn't just like,
"Off you go, mate. You go over there."

1338
01:08:22,040 --> 01:08:25,800
No, no, no.
I went full Soviet discus thrower.

1339
01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:28,320
Like, straight out of the '80s.

1340
01:08:28,320 --> 01:08:31,520
Roided up out of nowhere,
I'm like... [grunts]

1341
01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:34,040
[audience laughing]

1342
01:08:35,480 --> 01:08:38,280
I'm watching Jasper.
He's flying through the air going,

1343
01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:41,840
"As soon as I hit the ground, I'm back.
I'm gonna get that rabbit."

1344
01:08:42,360 --> 01:08:46,960
And I turn around,
and I'm trying to get to the rabbit,

1345
01:08:46,960 --> 01:08:49,880
and then out of fucking nowhere,

1346
01:08:49,880 --> 01:08:54,760
Douglas decides today is the day
he's gonna be a real dog.

1347
01:08:55,840 --> 01:08:58,440
And he comes from fucking nowhere

1348
01:08:59,200 --> 01:09:02,640
and just... [growls]
...puts that rabbit in a death grip.

1349
01:09:02,640 --> 01:09:05,240
I know. In front of his best friend.

1350
01:09:05,240 --> 01:09:06,200
I know.

1351
01:09:06,800 --> 01:09:09,720
So I did the only thing I knew how to do.

1352
01:09:10,880 --> 01:09:16,720
"Get out of there, you bloody mongrel!
Go on with you! Drop it! Drop it!"

1353
01:09:16,720 --> 01:09:18,800
[audience laughing and applauding]

1354
01:09:21,520 --> 01:09:22,680
He's a good dog.

1355
01:09:23,600 --> 01:09:24,560
He's gone... Blech.

1356
01:09:25,640 --> 01:09:28,240
But Jenno and both dogs
have started going,

1357
01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:31,240
"Who the fuck are you?"

1358
01:09:31,240 --> 01:09:33,000
And the rabbit is not dead.

1359
01:09:33,600 --> 01:09:35,800
I know. But it's got the fear now.

1360
01:09:36,320 --> 01:09:38,400
And it starts screaming.

1361
01:09:38,400 --> 01:09:41,280
I don't know if you've heard
a rabbit scream. It's not great.

1362
01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:44,040
<i>Watership Down</i> is not a children's film.

1363
01:09:44,840 --> 01:09:46,080
It's bullshit.

1364
01:09:46,080 --> 01:09:47,440
So it starts going... [squeaks]

1365
01:09:47,440 --> 01:09:50,600
You know there's no end to this story
where I don't kill a rabbit.

1366
01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:54,440
You know I have to kill the rabbit.
It's the humane thing to do.

1367
01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:56,960
It's deeply distressed.
It's gonna die soon.

1368
01:09:56,960 --> 01:09:58,760
It needed to die sooner for the...

1369
01:09:58,760 --> 01:10:00,520
I'm the hero, I'm the hero. Okay.

1370
01:10:02,440 --> 01:10:03,760
I even knew how I was gonna do it.

1371
01:10:03,760 --> 01:10:07,720
There was a log. I was gonna pick it up,
squash the rabbit. Stamp it out.

1372
01:10:08,240 --> 01:10:09,080
I'm the hero.

1373
01:10:09,080 --> 01:10:11,240
But I didn't wanna do it
in front of Jenno.

1374
01:10:11,240 --> 01:10:12,840
I felt like she'd seen enough.

1375
01:10:13,800 --> 01:10:15,440
So I sent her on an errand.

1376
01:10:16,560 --> 01:10:18,880
I said, "I need a stick."

1377
01:10:18,880 --> 01:10:22,320
I didn't need a stick.
But I knew if I asked for something,

1378
01:10:22,320 --> 01:10:25,400
Jenno would put her producer hat on
and say, "I will produce."

1379
01:10:25,400 --> 01:10:27,560
Right? So she ran off. I'm like, "Yes!"

1380
01:10:27,560 --> 01:10:29,040
So I picked up the log.

1381
01:10:29,560 --> 01:10:31,480
Now, the thing about Jenno is

1382
01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:33,560
she's very efficient.

1383
01:10:33,560 --> 01:10:35,640
[audience laughing]

1384
01:10:36,200 --> 01:10:37,240
And I'm not.

1385
01:10:39,240 --> 01:10:42,440
So she comes back
at the worst possible time.

1386
01:10:43,560 --> 01:10:45,160
Because I was here.

1387
01:10:48,440 --> 01:10:53,480
Right? And even if I didn't wanna drop it
on the bunny, I couldn't have stopped it.

1388
01:10:54,000 --> 01:10:58,160
Like, momentum and gravity had taken over
by the time I saw her.

1389
01:10:58,160 --> 01:11:00,160
And when I did, I turned around,

1390
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:04,680
and for the first time in my fucking life,

1391
01:11:04,680 --> 01:11:07,760
I have given extended eye contact

1392
01:11:09,520 --> 01:11:11,080
to another human being.

1393
01:11:11,080 --> 01:11:12,400
[audience laughing]

1394
01:11:12,400 --> 01:11:13,320
I know.

1395
01:11:14,200 --> 01:11:15,320
Just...

1396
01:11:16,240 --> 01:11:18,320
Eyeballed her. And I'm like...

1397
01:11:20,360 --> 01:11:21,200
[grunts]

1398
01:11:21,200 --> 01:11:22,800
[audience laughing]

1399
01:11:22,800 --> 01:11:25,680
And by then, I was in the zone,

1400
01:11:26,400 --> 01:11:30,320
which meant I had to make sure
the rabbit was dead, apparently.

1401
01:11:30,320 --> 01:11:34,240
So, without breaking eye contact,
I started to go...

1402
01:11:34,240 --> 01:11:35,240
[grunts]

1403
01:11:37,280 --> 01:11:38,440
[makes clicking sound]

1404
01:11:39,360 --> 01:11:43,640
And then I calmed down. I looked at Jenno,
and even I could read her face.

1405
01:11:44,520 --> 01:11:47,720
[chuckles] It was sad,
distressed probably.

1406
01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:52,520
And I looked at that,
and I'm like, "Oh, no."

1407
01:11:53,720 --> 01:11:55,400
"I've been there."

1408
01:11:57,520 --> 01:12:01,480
"I've been trapped in a relationship
with a bunny killer."

1409
01:12:01,480 --> 01:12:04,560
[audience laughing and applauding]

1410
01:12:05,240 --> 01:12:06,600
I didn't want that.

1411
01:12:08,520 --> 01:12:11,080
I did not want that for Jenno.

1412
01:12:12,640 --> 01:12:14,560
So I tried to fix it.

1413
01:12:14,560 --> 01:12:17,920
I said, "It was diseased.
I put it out of its misery. I'm the hero."

1414
01:12:17,920 --> 01:12:21,960
"It had myxomatosis. We call it myxo,
'cause we're fun with words."

1415
01:12:22,600 --> 01:12:26,200
"It was an introduced disease.
'Cause colonialism was never a good idea."

1416
01:12:26,200 --> 01:12:29,560
"If you need to go back to America,
you should. I don't want you to go,

1417
01:12:29,560 --> 01:12:31,600
but you must miss
your family and friends."

1418
01:12:31,600 --> 01:12:34,200
"We can hold up.
We don't know how long this will last."

1419
01:12:34,200 --> 01:12:37,480
"We're strong. Zoom's fine.
It's awful, but we'll cope."

1420
01:12:37,480 --> 01:12:40,320
"What do you need me to do?
What should I do?"

1421
01:12:40,320 --> 01:12:43,560
"What am I supposed to do?
What's the right thing for me to do?"

1422
01:12:43,560 --> 01:12:46,040
"What do I do?
What do I do? What do I do?"

1423
01:12:46,040 --> 01:12:47,360
And she said, "Stop."

1424
01:12:48,400 --> 01:12:49,680
"Don't panic."

1425
01:12:51,160 --> 01:12:52,680
"Who do you wanna be?"

1426
01:12:52,680 --> 01:12:54,560
[audience laughing]

1427
01:12:58,200 --> 01:12:59,600
"Your wife."

1428
01:13:01,400 --> 01:13:02,880
Thank you.

1429
01:13:02,880 --> 01:13:05,240
[audience cheering and applauding]

1430
01:13:05,240 --> 01:13:07,920
["Don't Leave Me This Way"
by The Communards playing]

1431
01:13:09,040 --> 01:13:13,080
<i>♪ I can't survive, I can't stay alive ♪</i>

1432
01:13:13,080 --> 01:13:16,720
<i>♪ Without your love, no, oh, baby ♪</i>

1433
01:13:17,320 --> 01:13:21,720
<i>♪ Don't leave me this way ♪</i>

1434
01:13:21,720 --> 01:13:23,800
<i>♪ I can't exist ♪</i>

1435
01:13:23,800 --> 01:13:28,280
<i>♪ I would surely miss your tender kiss ♪</i>

1436
01:13:28,280 --> 01:13:31,680
<i>♪ So don't leave me this way ♪</i>

1437
01:13:31,680 --> 01:13:34,560
<i>♪ Ah, baby! ♪</i>

1438
01:13:35,240 --> 01:13:38,200
<i>♪ My heart is full of love
And desire for you ♪</i>

1439
01:13:38,720 --> 01:13:42,040
<i>♪ So come on down and do
What you gotta do ♪</i>

1440
01:13:42,560 --> 01:13:46,000
<i>♪ You started this fire down in my soul ♪</i>

1441
01:13:46,000 --> 01:13:49,400
{\an8}<i>♪ Now can't you see
It's burning out of control ♪</i>

1442
01:13:49,880 --> 01:13:52,680
<i>♪ So come on down
And satisfy the need in me ♪</i>

1443
01:13:53,360 --> 01:13:59,200
<i>♪ 'Cause only your good lovin'
Can set me free ♪</i>

1444
01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:02,400
{\an8}<i>♪ Don't, don't you leave me this way... ♪</i>