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Charly - No Dick!
Charly, I think you lost something.
Charly - No Dick!
Settle down! Quiet, please!
Stop behaving like nine-year-olds!
Charly - No Dick!
So, Charly, did you find your dick?
Constantin!
-Right. Come on, Charly. -I lost my dick.
I mean, my goggles.
Yes, I'll just go and get another pair.
Dry yourself off, okay? Right.
Constantin!
HARD FEELINGS
God! Please, why me?
Oh God. This is so embarrassing!
You're really making my life hell.
See that? What a loser.
Oh boy!
Hey, Consti, Basti.
Helicopter!
Dude, put that thing away before you injure someone.
Hey, big dick, big responsibility. What's with the face?
I heard things aren't going too well with the Dream Team.
Oh. So, Marlene didn't let you near her, huh?
You know what, Ziggy?
I didn't let her near me, okay? There's a difference.
He's just pissed
because Marlene didn't invite him to her house party.
Hey, Consti. Chin up, man.
There's still the graduation party. And if not, life's a bitch.
-Have I ever told you how smart you are? -I know.
You two are so gay.
-It's not our fault you only like pussy. -You're missing out on half the fun.
-Let's go, yeah? -Let's go.
And what can you do, mini drone?
Oh no. My yogurt leaked.
Here we go.
INDOOR SWIMMING POOL
Well, same old. My yogurt leaked.
No, that's not another way of saying jerking off.
You're just pretty weird.
Nice to see you, my old friend.
Why do you talk like that? No one's listening.
We've spoken backwards since we were kids.
Why ruin a lovely tradition?
Yeah, but still, aren't we a little old for secret languages?
Age is just a number.
-Did you miss me? -You have no idea.
Heard about your big solo performance tomorrow.
Don't remind me. It's a total nightmare.
If it's that bad, just quit.
My mother thinks I have an exceptional vocal tone,
and the whole world should know.
Is that right? Then the school choir is the right place for you.
-Just say no! -No, I can't break her heart!
Then I can't help you.
Then don't.
-Go on. Sing something. -You sing something.
I'm not in the school choir. I'm not the one with an exceptional voice!
-Have you studied for the final exams? -No, I'll do it next week.
-You? -No, not yet.
When it's all over, we'll grab your car and just take off.
-Okay. And go where? -We'll see.
-Want to come in? -No, my league is waiting.
Oh, and Charly!
From virgin to virgin, and with nothing to compare it to,
-I'm absolutely certain your dick really-- -Okay, bye!
If I were you, I wouldn't look at my phone tonight.
This fridge has five compartments.
The middle compartment cools to between four and five degrees Celsius.
-There's a reason for that. -A bit over the top. It's a fridge.
Charly? Charly, come here, please.
-Mom, Dad, it's been a really long day-- -Yeah.
Charly, tell me, where would you put the yogurt?
In the fridge.
We're playing that game, are we?
So at least put it on the middle shelf where it belongs.
You heard the boy. In the fridge. Who cares which compartment?
I care!
And why do you buy all those yogurts?
Because they're on sale, and because I like yogurt.
Do you know why they're on sale?
Because they're moldy!
They're way past the expiration date.
The best before date is a guideline, Sabine.
Yogurt is made out of…
-Bacteria. -Bacteria.
If it's a few days older, it's really not a problem.
Not a problem.
For you, maybe.
I'm the one who has to sleep next to you while you fart your heart out.
Come on. Don't exaggerate. Now you want to take my yogurt away too?
You're lactose intolerant, Rudi.
Sabine, take it all, but please leave me my yogurt.
If your father were still alive, he'd be so proud of you two.
Who takes after Dad more, me or Paula?
Paula. You take after me more.
Hi, hon. How was school?
Same. My league awaits.
How come you kept them waiting?
Do you have a boyfriend at last?
None of your business!
Or a girlfriend?
Don't pressure your sister.
There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer.
Good work, Straight Shooter!
-Yeah, Paula? -Yeah.
Check your phone. I sent you a little something.
Although it's not actually little.
Why is everything always about sex?
Is it because I'm a girl?
I mean, they have mothers or sisters too.
Do they just say, "Mom, pass me the salt, please"?
"While you're at it, what do you think of my dick pic? Did it turn out well?"
"I mean, I just wanted to get your expert opinion as a woman."
It pisses me off!
Yeah, I totally get it. That kind of stuff doesn't happen to guys.
Really sucks.
If my dad was alive, he'd have given them a good beating.
Thanks.
So, how are you?
No idea.
I'd really like to start over.
But once it's on the Internet…
Charly - No Dick is going to be with me forever.
Doesn't matter. I have you.
Did you hear that?
What?
Everything's gone so quiet all of a sudden.
Oh my God! That was so weird.
We just got hit by lightning!
It was so close! I saw it right in front of me!
It was a sign! Like a near-death experience!
Know what I mean? Bam!
We're alive!
-You're hyperventilating. You're okay. -I'm okay.
-You're okay. -I'm okay.
You're good.
-I'm okay. -Everything's okay.
I'm okay.
That was weird.
Yes.
Charly, wake up.
The early bird catches the worm.
And by that, I don't mean me, obviously!
Time to get up! I've been up for a while!
-Yeah? -Nothing?
God, this is really hard.
Hard! Get it?
Here!
Oh, at last.
It's me, hi. I would bow, but I feel a little stiff.
A little penis joke.
You won't get rid of me that easy.
You talk to me all the time.
The only difference is now I finally talk back.
I'm talking to my penis.
Hello, big guy.
Were you talking to your penis?
What? No.
Could you please get out?
-Who's he talking to? -Not to his penis.
-I wasn't talking to my penis. -Like I said.
Why are we talking about our son's penis?
I think he was masturbating.
I wasn't masturbating!
Believe me, we'd both be a lot happier if you had.
Oh, would that shut you up?
-You actually are masturbating. -Get out!
-I just wanted to-- -Could you please knock?
I just wanted to ask…
I just wanted to ask if you wanted me to give you a ride.
No! I just want to be left alone!
I don't see your problem! You finally have a wingman!
Hey, you little asshole!
I waited for you!
-Sorry, I totally forgot. -How? We drive to school every Wednesday!
-So, who's this, then? -Everything okay?
-Well, hello, little titty babe. -Yes, why wouldn't it be?
Then stop riding away from me and get in the car!
I'm enjoying the fresh air today. Thanks.
Look, titty babe is back!
-Why are you being so weird? -Me? Weird?
-You're driving on the cycling path! -I need to talk to you!
-Why does everyone need to talk today? -What?
Yes, talk to her. You're the only one who can hear me.
-Didn't I tell you to shut up? -Who are you talking to?
-No one! -I love when you get excited.
-Shut it! -Hold on.
-Are you talking to your-- -Shortcut!
See you later!
That hurts me as much as it hurts you, you asshole. So, what about her?
What?
If you sleep with her, you'll be rid of me.
-With Paula? -Sure.
Of course. As soon as you've done it for the first time, I'm gone.
-No! -Yes.
No way. She's my best friend. My only friend. I can't--
-I don't want to risk losing her. -All I hear is, "Wah, wah, wah."
Let's start over. Look around you.
Tell me what you see.
Notice anything?
-I'm the only one talking to his genitals? -There's worse, right?
Thing is, do you want to be an outsider your whole life?
The one who left school without having had sex?
-Is that what you want? -Shut up.
Hey, Junior!
Hey, Dad.
What happened to your bike?
Did something break?
Come on, Charly. You animal!
Where've you been hiding her?
Well, it doesn't matter now.
Oh God. She's looking right at us.
Time to release your little tiger.
Go on. Talk to her. Say something!
Good morning, Marlene.
Oh, well. The poor girl is practically blind.
Okay, we'll just get closer next time.
I can fix it in no time.
Have a good day, yeah?
Stop ignoring me. I need to talk to you.
FOCUS
We're days away from final exams.
And no one here is going to fail. Not on my watch.
I want you to leave this school with your heads held high…
-…and the best prospects. -Boring.
Fuck.
-Let's focus and go over everything again. -Let's focus and go over her.
The exam-relevant topics in biology are…
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
-Be quiet! -Fuck.
Charly, is there something you'd like to share with us?
I need to take a crap.
I sometimes think you actually want to stay a virgin.
Enough already.
Charly, you dirty thing, you! During class!
Oh yes!
Just shut your mouth.
I'm so happy to greet both our graduating class
and the delegation from our partner school,
the Lycée Cousteau de Lyon.
Welcome!
Just relax.
Look, in the first row! Her! Yes!
-Bienvenue. -This is going to be fun.
In your honor, our school choir has rehearsed a very special song,
which I think you'll all really enjoy.
Mr. Pendergast.
WELCOME
Just trust me, Charly. I'll make us both big.
Charly, look. Oh God, she wants you.
Those lips.
Those eyes.
Imagine her naked.
There! Look at that. She's even smiling.
And I bet we can put a bigger smile on her face.
Look, he's got a hard-on.
He does have a dick.
A boner.
Hey, Charly! Hey, what's wrong with you? Where are you going?
Guess you can stop calling him Charly - No Dick now.
Maybe she's right.
They've always called me Charly - No Dick.
Now that they can see I have a dick, they make fun of me for that!
But she smiled at you. Why did you run off?
Because you've ruined my life yet again!
At least I stood up like a man.
-What about you? -I'm a nerd.
I can't help it. I'm just shy.
And it's the same thing every day.
Believe me. I don't have it easy.
I hate being the center of attention. I don't know how to talk to girls.
And I'm horny the whole time!
"Horny nerd gets hard-on on stage."
And post.
It's not that bad.
No, it's really bad! How can I show my face at school tomorrow?
-People think I'm a pervert or something. -Oh my God, Charly.
Marlene posted a video, and it's gone viral.
-"Horny nerd"-- -Can we just not talk about it?
-No, take a look. -Please!
You're really tense.
And your muscles have really grown.
Believe me, baby. That's not the only thing growing here.
Say something!
Didn't you want to tell me something?
Do you…
want to sleep with me?
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
No. Nah.
-Nah? -Nah.
-Yes. Nah. -Nah.
-Yes, nah. That would be really weird. -Yes.
Yes. Nah.
Would you just excuse me a moment?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
What are you doing? Are you crazy?
-That was the perfect opportunity! -As if.
She's my best friend.
I can't do it for the first time with her. That's incest.
"Your muscles have grown." Are you serious?
Strange. That usually works.
How am I supposed to go back out?
Honey, don't you think you're overreacting?
Overreacting? I've known her since kindergarten!
Sure, but it's not like you're related!
What am I supposed to do? Go over and say, "Hey, sorry."
"My talking vagina wanted me to ask you if you'd sleep with me."
It's called a vulva, sweetie. Who cares if he understands.
I don't even believe it. Why would she?
Okay. So, a hand job, then?
Oh, this is all too much!
Hey. I…
I have to go, sadly.
-Yes. -Really. Okay, yeah.
-So, see you tomorrow. -See you tomorrow.
Just do what I tell you,
and I promise you, your whole life will change!
What if I lose her because of it?
-She's all I've got. -So what?
At least you'd get a grade A training pussy.
Stop. Don't talk about Paula like that, or…
Or what?
Or the deal's off.
Keep talking.
So long as Paula stays off-limits and I pass my exams, I'll go for it.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'll listen to my dick.
-You won't regret this. -Yeah, I already am.
Give me five, partner.
Not like that.
Yeah, thanks.
-Morning. -Good morning, honey.
Where's Dad?
Don't know. He needs some time for himself.
What are you doing?
Swiping.
I can see that.
-Would you like some breakfast? -No, I seem to have lost my appetite.
We need to talk.
Yeah, sure. I just have to finish up here.
No, now!
What's up?
What's up with Mom?
I have no idea.
And why are you here?
Mom needs some space, so I'm giving it to her.
How's she doing?
She's downloaded some dating app.
A dating app?
-That doesn't sound good. -No, it doesn't!
-And how are you? -Not good!
-How come? -It's complicated.
Do something!
-What do you want me to do? -Win her back?
Invest in some fashionable underwear? What do I know?
-Hey. -What's going on?
Hey, cool video.
-There he is! -Hey!
-Hey, can we make a TikTok? -Yes, please! Let's make one.
Leave me alone!
Hey, what's your problem, bro? I thought what you did was nice.
Take a look.
And I'm horny all the time!
We've all had embarrassing moments like these.
But how many of us can say
we were brave enough to stand up for ourselves?
Whoever that guy is, he should be an inspiration to us all.
I stand with Boner Boy.
Look, you're a star! I told you!
You've got to just trust me!
Oh my God. Amy Speaks is talking about your video.
10,000 reposts already. You're TikTok famous.
Charly's going viral, though not in the way you wanted.
-Boner Boy! -Did you hear about it?
He kind of has potential.
Thanks. I have to…
-Great move! -I have class. Sorry.
Listen up. About last night, I hope--
No, don't worry about it. Really. Later, bro.
-Bro? -Boner Boy!
-Please, Charly. One picture. -I have to get to class.
-A selfie. Come on. -Cool, a selfie.
-Thanks. -Thanks. Oh my God! Thanks.
Why, hello!
I'm so sorry.
You're Charly, non?
-Yes. How do you know? -Everyone's talking about you.
My name is Françoise, and I don't really know my way around yet.
I thought maybe you could show me around town? Tomorrow night?
I'm blowing my load!
-No! -Not really, you dumbass.
No?
-Too bad. -We can salvage this.
-Ask her to go out with you. -Françoise.
What I meant to say was, no, you can't ask me that. I wanted to ask you first.
Huh? Oh God, you're such a loser.
But it worked!
-Okay. -Awesome!
Boring.
Stop wasting our time. He had his chance.
Hello, apple butt!
I could definitely work with that. Yummy!
Hey, wrong way. Where are you going?
Anyone would thank their lucky stars
for the chance to sleep with someone like you.
You just have to let them.
-But I don't want just anyone! -Paula, wise up.
-Fulfillment comes from getting filled. -Just leave me alone.
This is about that guy.
What? No.
Of course.
The guy you met on vacation two years ago.
He suddenly appeared in front of you.
Costa! Him and his little Costa, which was anything but little.
How are you?
-Hi. -German?
-Yeah. -We're having a beach party later.
I'd love it if you could come by.
See you later, then.
See you.
That was the first time that you were interested in a guy.
And he was perfect with his buns of steel.
What's wrong?
I just thought of my dad.
This was our song.
What's wrong with you?
You feel weird down there anyway.
And you ignore me because of that asshole?
Hey, that's not true.
You think he was right. Have you ever really looked at me?
Can we please change the subject?
Let's get back to basics and do something that's long overdue.
The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian text in Sanskrit
about sexuality, eroticism, and emotional fulfillment.
Do you have a hand mirror?
…an introduction to the 36 sex positions…
What are you doing?
Have you…
No! Of course not.
I'm ten.
Right.
Are you going on a safari?
Okay, you absolutely need a new haircut for our date tomorrow.
-Why? What's wrong with my haircut? -No, not up there.
A little penis advice. Shave it all off, and I look bigger.
-I don't think I can do it. -Come on. Stop being dramatic.
Pants down.
Mirror, please.
Okay.
And?
I mean,
you're not exactly pretty.
-You're the ugly one! -Dude!
What? Charly, are you serious? You can't wear that.
I'm like your gift to Françoise.
So make sure I'm nicely wrapped, yeah? Presentation matters.
Imagine how excited she'll be when she unwraps me.
-Oh yes. -Oh yes.
And now imagine how excited she'll be when she unwraps me out of that thing.
-Yes. -First shave.
Then go shopping.
Seriously, how many vulvas have you seen in your life?
None, but--
-So you have nothing to compare me to. -Sure, I guess, but…
Did you just project 50 vagina into my head?
Thirty-eight.
And the plural of vagina is vaginas. But anyway, those are vulvas.
Self-love, sweetie.
Okay, real slow, yes?
Pick me up, okay.
Hold me gently. Good, okay.
-Extra careful now. -Why?
Because…
You'll see.
I'll see? I'm being careful.
My babies!
Is that my razor?
Why don't you shave in the shower? Like normal people.
She's got to be kidding! They'll squeeze me.
-Look at me, people. I need space. -They're too tight.
Stop distracting me.
You know, your father and I, we've just grown apart.
I've given my whole life to this family.
Now it's finally my turn.
He sent me an eggplant.
-What? -On the dating app.
It's so romantic. I think he wants to cook together.
I think it means…
It's been a while since I had a big, fat, really juicy eggplant.
Even your mom gets more action than you do!
The poor guy's sad I haven't replied. The eggplant's crying now.
I can't remember the last time your dad cried.
-Oh, I love those. -No way.
Okay, and now touch me.
What the hell is that?
This is all made for men! Typical.
It's not doing anything at all for me.
Okay. Let's try this.
Close your eyes.
Give me a few details. Who's the guy? Constantin?
-No, he was with Marlene. -Forget about Marlene.
Pick the most popular guy in school, and you can have anyone you like.
Oldest trick in the book. Showerhead, please.
I need a really long icicle.
Look at all those magic wands.
This is what we need.
No idea what that is, but yes!
-Oh my God! We need that! -No! Who would I wear that for?
Stop thinking. I'm thinking for both of us now.
I need it!
I knew we were sex goddesses!
Just one thing. The fabric's clinging to my lips.
One size up would be great.
Though I have to say, our tits look fantastic!
Yes, I'll do it.
And thanks.
My pleasure.
Hello, tight buns.
No, thanks. Just put it in.
My vagina is numb.
I think they ripped something down there.
Imagine giving birth. Oh God.
Is that Paula?
What is she wearing?
-What a bitch! -What a bitch!
Okay, I'm ready. Get yourself comfortable.
Turn it on.
Get ready.
And go.
Again?
"Amy Speaks." What's it about?
Honestly, I have no idea. Everything's been so crazy since the performance.
Just start with a small kiss. On the neck is best.
I'm totally squished.
Going shopping with your mom was a bad move.
He's touching himself. Touch me too. Say something hot.
Well, at least you're not Charly - No Dick anymore.
-Right. -You call that hot?
Anyway…
I also wanted to apologize for reacting so weirdly when you asked if we…
-Oh, right. Pfft. -You know…
No, not "pfft."
-It's not that I don't want to. -We want to!
-Let's not talk about it. -Right!
Let's just do it. Here, now, under the stars!
You're important to me. I don't want to lose you.
-Of course. -No! Huh?
-Ditto. -What?
Oh, come on!
Man!
Oh man.
Something's different about you.
Did you get your hair cut or something?
No.
I could swear something's changed.
Sweet.
Girls.
It's like a whole new world. I came five times in a row.
Again and again.
We are so lucky.
See? We told you.
I didn't want to say anything,
but she definitely gave the guy in the sex shop a blow job.
One time, I got a boner
from looking at two ripe oranges.
They reminded me of my Spanish teacher.
Sometimes I get a boner when I'm on the bus
because the seat vibrates.
I call it a bus boner.
Sometimes I get a boner when the sun shines on my crotch.
Sometimes I get…
Hold on. Why are we all talking about dicks?
It's just not funny.
I mean, sometimes I have to walk around for hours with my hand in my pants.
It feels like everyone's staring at me.
To be honest, I don't even understand most of my erections.
I'll just be chilling at my grandpa's, where nothing is sexy,
and I just get a hard-on.
Sometimes it's just really weird.
Hey, Digger. No one's interested in your boner.
See what we started? You're an actual role model. You can--
I wanted to ask you something. I'm having a party this weekend.
Yeah, I heard. Everyone's talking about it.
Exactly. It's gonna be amazing.
Marlene's into Charly. Crazy. Who'd have thought?
Bullcrap. She's invited everyone.
Yeah, except you.
If you have time, I'd love it if you could come by.
-Yes? -Sure, I'd love to.
So see you then.
I could just squeeze out a little tear. Dude, I'm so proud of you, man.
Two babes! You know what that means?
That I have a huge problem.
-You trying to make Constantin jealous? -No.
I think Charly's really sweet.
Dad. How much longer are you going to live here?
-He's always eavesdropping. -What?
-The new guy. The gardener. -What?
-I have a problem. I need to talk to you. -Okay. Shoot.
This French exchange student asked me on a date.
Doesn't sound like a problem to me.
Excuse me? I'm talking to my son, yeah?
And?
The coolest girl at school invited me to her party on the same day.
Do you like one more than the other?
No.
Then it's really simple.
Take the exchange student to the other girl's party.
Yeah, but, Dad--
I once went out with a girl and her sister at the same time.
-That's what I'm talking about. -He asked us for advice.
He asked me for advice. Me!
-No reason to yell at me. -I'm not yelling.
-Now you're getting aggressive. -I'm not being aggressive.
Maybe you should get some anger management therapy.
Why would I do that kind of therapy? Why?
-You live in your office. -Absolute nonsense!
We can see you.
-When? -In the evenings, when you dance.
You watch me?
Yes, me and Maggie from the kitchen. Alexander, the trash guy.
Everyone.
Okay, stay cool.
You going to Marlene's birthday party?
-Yes. Yes, of course. -Yes?
I thought maybe we could go together if you'd like.
And wet!
-Yeah. I'd like that, yes. Sure. -Yes?
-Okay, cool. So then, see you then. -Okay.
Oh my God. What just happened?
We are so going to nail that guy.
What was that about, Master?
What?
She's really sweet.
Don't you think?
Yes, come in.
Take a seat. I'll be with you in a minute.
Tell me, do you usually work this late?
Yes.
Yes, lots to do.
Even on the weekend?
You do know that you're not allowed to sleep here, right?
Of course.
Phoebe, I need your help.
Do you need to dispose of a corpse?
What? No! I have a date.
-You look amazing, by the way. -Oh, thanks. I was bored.
Chic.
-So here we are. -Here we are.
-Why do you ring the bell at your place? -This isn't my place.
Charly! You're here.
And you brought someone. How nice.
Right. Come on in.
Two girls fighting over us.
Two girls! That's four tits, two vaginas,
four nipples, two tongues, four lips, twenty toes, four kneecaps.
Get him away!
-Mr. Fluffles. -Get him away!
He's such a sweetie.
-Find some other balls! -He really likes you.
Help! Scat, shoo!
Oh, he heard me.
-Out, Mr. Fluffles. -Okay, that was close.
We're losing her.
That's not good. We have to distract her.
-It's a party? -Quick! Say something!
-Yes. -Be a little more imaginative.
-Cool. -Ask her a question.
-Want a drink? -Not that question.
-Shots? -What?
-Join me? -No, Charly.
Alcohol really won't improve my performance.
Charly. No!
-Charly! -Sure.
This is it, the moment we've been waiting for.
-And his hand is so close to your tit. -Looks like there's a new Marlene in town.
Everyone's looking at us.
Slut.
They love us. We look amazing.
How are things?
Wanna get a drink?
Great.
Focus, Paula.
Our stallion's heading this way.
What?
I said…
You have the sexiest tits I've ever seen.
Thanks.
You look so damn good. Where've you been all my life?
-Keep talking, baby. -Right here.
Maybe you just never looked close enough.
-Those lips! -To us.
Awesome. What can I say? I'm so proud of you!
I couldn't have done it better myself.
Well, hello.
Why don't you get us another really good drink,
and I'll be right back?
Whatever you want, my queen.
-And? -And?
Ladies, I'm dick enough for both of you.
Threesome!
Give me an S! Give me an E! Give me an X!
I want sex!
We're getting laid tonight, tonight
We're going to fool around All night, all night!
'Cause I want to have fun!
-Occupied! -Occupied!
Constantin of all people. At Marlene's party! Pretty brazen.
I mean, what did you expect? The outfit? The sex shop?
-Paula must be a hooker. -Sex worker.
That would explain why she went down on the sex shop guy.
I bet Constantin is just her appetizer.
Who knows how many blow jobs she'll give tonight.
Double figures, at least.
How much do you think she gets by the hour?
Double figures, max.
Now everyone thinks I'm a slut because of you.
Nonsense! Because of me, you're the star tonight.
Paula! There you are.
Cupcake.
-I think I want to leave now. -What?
What?
What happened?
-Don't back out now. -I'm not.
It doesn't matter…
Hey, come on.
You can't go home when you're feeling this sad, Paula. Let's talk about it.
Paula, it's happening!
Yes!
-I don't think we should be in here. -Yes, we should.
Sure, it's okay.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Sit down.
So,
tell me, what happened? I mean…
I…
I have a kind of friend, and--
And I
took her advice because I trusted her.
And now everyone thinks I'm this skanky--
No, I mean it. I…
I'm not that kind of girl.
But you're so hot. It's so…
This is what we dreamed about. Lie back and enjoy.
Maybe he's a little out of practice.
Go on. Help him. What are you waiting for? Go for it.
A pants worm.
For real?
My condolences.
Fuck.
Shit.
Everything okay?
Dude, nothing is okay. It's…
Could you please not tell anyone? It's…
it's just seriously embarrassing.
I…
I understand, okay?
Rumors are shit.
So you have nothing to worry about.
I was so sure that would work.
What? Don't look at me like that!
I didn't look too bad in it.
Were you just in the bedroom with Paula?
Dude! Barely at the party for ten minutes, and he's already gotten laid.
I didn't screw her.
-She wanted to fuck me. -Paula?
Really?
And she's really into anal.
So, Basti, you're gonna have to relinquish your crown.
Yeah, there's a new anal queen in town. That takes some doing.
Yeah, and the girl's a real sex addict.
It's unbelievable. It's…
Yes, Mr. Fluffles!
Hello there. Good dog.
When I was standing on stage,
he just decided to come out and say hi to the world.
Who am I to hold him back? Who?
-You're a total inspiration. -Charly.
-Paula! -Hey, the titty babe!
This is my best friend.
-This is Françoise, Marlene, Klaus. -Can I have a quick--
Robbie.
What are you going on about? You're--
Yeah, I think you've had enough.
No need to be jealous. There's enough of me to go around.
Yeah, sure.
Let go, dude. I don't need a training pussy like you.
"Training pussy"?
What a jerk!
Boner Boy!
See how cute you look.
Last night was so special.
Did we?
The whole night.
There's no way. It was my first time, and I can't remember?
Me neither, bro.
The first time is supposed to be special, and now I don't even know…
Hold on.
Weren't you supposed to disappear after my first time?
If you don't remember, how am I supposed to remember?
Maybe she's in the mood for a second round.
Then you'll be rid of me. Promise.
My parents are coming home early. You gotta go.
Looks like the two of us will be hanging out for a while longer.
Sabine, left foot on yellow.
What exactly is going on here?
Hi, honey.
Just a little get-together with friends. Ran on a little longer than expected.
Boner Boy!
-Animal! -Respect.
Nice job, man.
See you during break, okay?
See? That's what I'm talking about.
Guess it's official now. I have a girlfriend.
And not just any girlfriend. The hottest girl in school.
I'd never leave you hanging, dude.
A little penis joke.
Feels good to be loved, right?
Okay, so not "Françoise," then.
We can give that another shot if it doesn't work out with Marlene.
Or Paula! Exactly!
CHARLY - HEY, PAULA, WHAT HAPPENED AT MARLENE'S PARTY?
-Oh, look. It's the slut. -Oh no.
-The slut. -She's such a slut.
Hey, babe.
Do I know you?
Not yet, but you could get to know him.
Dude!
What's your problem? We could have had him.
I fucked Paula last night.
Really? You and the school slut?
Yes! Constantin said she's a sex addict, man.
We're sex celebrities!
-Dude! What've you been telling everyone? -What?
Paws off. The jacket was expensive.
Maybe I should tell everyone what actually happened.
Who will believe the school slut?
-What? -Yeah.
Who do you think they'll believe?
Me, the most popular guy in school?
Or you?
Hey, I don't get it. Why is "school slut" a bad thing?
I think you're looking at this all wrong.
Hey, guys. Did you know that Paula's on the game?
As if.
Yeah! Apparently, she only charges five euros an hour.
But she accepts credit cards too.
You know she's a sex addict, right?
I hope I didn't use the same toilet as her.
Awkward.
I'd never thought of it like that.
We could actually make money with this!
CHEAP & EAGER
Hey, cool, man.
Well, if it isn't the school slut.
Charly, what are you doing? Why are you acting like such an ass?
What language is that, sweetie? Hobbitish?
Aren't we too old for secret languages, Paula?
Our first customer!
Hey, honey. Want to have some fun?
HEY, FEEL LIKE A QUICK FUCK?
SO, DO YOU ALWAYS MOAN THAT LOUD?
SLUT!
It wasn't very nice of you to treat Paula that way.
Spreading the rumor that someone's a sex addict
is pretty childish, even for you.
Yeah, sure. Could say the same about you.
Stringing along a guy like Charly, who is so clearly below your level
and who you so clearly have no interest in.
That was a bitch move if you ask me.
Who says I'm not interested in him?
Charly's a really nice guy, unlike that slut Paula.
Put your claws away, Marlene. Charly's a wuss, and you know it.
My goodness, Constantin.
I never had you pegged as the jealous type.
Jealous of that oddball?
Are you serious?
He doesn't have your physique, but he makes me laugh.
Yeah, I'll bet.
But you know what makes me laugh more than anything?
Watching you make a fool of yourself with Paula. So embarrassing.
Marlene, chill out. I never pegged you as the jealous type.
Jealous? Of Paula?
My ass.
Marlene, tell me, are you going to the graduation dance?
Are you asking if I want to go with you?
Definitely. Do you accept my invite?
Maybe.
-We've been together almost two weeks-- -And you haven't even given me any!
-Charly, I've told you a thousand times. -I'm about to explode!
I'm saving our next big night for the graduation dance.
But why?
-We'll sleep together again then. -No, I didn't mean that.
I mean, maybe we could get to know each other better, talk.
-Why? We talk all the time. -So right! Blah, blah, blah.
-Walk with me for a bit. -More fucking, less talking!
No, what I mean is I kind of don't even know you.
I mean, I don't know who you are.
Like, what do you care about? What do you enjoy?
-There are things I enjoy, too, but-- -My moon sign is Gemini.
And no kidding, my ascendant is… guess… Aquarius.
Meaning, I'm a triple air sign.
And say my sun was in Libra, then I'd be emotional.
But I'm a Gemini, twins, so I'm quite unemotional and dry.
And that's exactly why I don't get on with Pisces. You know, fish?
I just don't vibe with them.
And limp.
Hold on. I'm a Pisces.
Exactly.
I really don't think it's okay for you to ignore me!
Oh, check out those tight buns. Paula!
Paula, Marlene doesn't like fish.
To be totally honest, Charly, I don't give a crap what Marlene eats.
Paula, you misunderstood. I meant--
I wouldn't go in there.
Oh, you really turn me on.
You have no idea how long I've waited for this moment.
We belong together, Marlene.
You know I didn't sleep with him, right?
-Yes. -He just passed out.
People are talking.
You know how it is with rumors.
I understand.
Let them talk.
Hi, this is Paula. Please leave a message.
Hey, honey.
Have you seen your dad lately?
No, why?
I don't know.
I forgot how annoying dating is.
I miss him.
We used to be so good together.
Tell me, why is everything always about you and Dad?
What about me? Shouldn't it be all about me? Who is the child here?
-Honey, what are you talking about? -Know what?
I quit the choir.
-For good! -But you have the voice of an angel.
-I have a terrible voice! -Okay, we can talk about this--
Out!
Please.
All right.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.
Just wanted to wish you luck.
For your final exams tomorrow.
Time's up.
So time's up.
-Please finish your last sentence. -Finish your last sentence, please.
Charly, you too. Put your pen down. Down.
Down. Pen. Down.
Put your pen down.
Pen. Down.
Hey, there's nothing to fuck here.
But I want to fuck. You want to fuck. We want to fuck.
-We all… Hey, you're holding the-- -Shut up!
-Okay, your five minutes are up. -I want you to stop!
Hey, whoa. Charly, everything okay?
Sure. Except my life is a mess because of you.
What are you doing with that glass? Don't do anything stupid!
We're a team! Buddies?
Be quiet!
Drop the glass.
Come on, Charly!
Shut your mouth! Shut your mouth for once!
I told you to shut your mouth!
Is it… Am I off?
-I can't go on anymore. -Paula?
Paula, be reasonable.
There's no one on this bridge for us to fuck.
-This is nuts. -Nuts?
Says the talking vagina?
You ruined my life! I can't go on.
I can't even look at my phone without being constantly reminded.
-It's called a vulva. -Shut up!
Just shut up!
Who should shut up?
-Paula, are you talking to your vagina? -Vulva!
-It's a… -Yeah, you idiot!
-It's called a vulva. -That's okay though.
What's it got to do with you?
-With me? -Yeah, spit it out!
-I talk to my dick too. -Yep.
-Yeah, like every other guy. -Mine talks back.
That sounds crazy.
Why didn't you say anything?
Same reason you didn't say anything.
Because it sounds crazy.
Can you get down now, please?
Mr. and Mrs. Perfect played us. But do you know what the worst thing is?
Our genitals talk to us?
We're not friends anymore.
Paula, I'm really sorry.
Are you screwing with me?
Apology not accepted.
-Hold on, I'm not the enemy. -Oh, no?
Not only did you call me a training pussy…
What?
…while my reputation was being destroyed, you were too busy kissing your own ass
to even notice!
I was labeled a slut for no reason, and you got accolades for it.
Paula, I didn't mean to--
Why are the people I love most never there for me when I need them?
-What are you looking at me like that for? -Just shut up.
I think I've lost my best friend.
Can't you just apologize?
I think we're past that point.
So all you can do is to keep telling her
how much she means to you and how much you love her.
And what if that doesn't work?
Well, then, you have to let her go.
Please don't give up.
Why is life so complicated?
And the only person I want to talk with about things
isn't here.
I miss him so much.
You know, I never really knew Dad.
So I never really missed him.
Because you were here.
Paula, you're the strongest person I know.
And probably the strongest person who ever existed.
I love you.
I love you too.
I can't breathe.
What the…
For real?
-Yes, you're right. I behaved like a jerk. -A total jerk.
-She makes that sound like a bad thing. -True.
And if I could undo it, then I'd do that right now.
But we were both played.
-Someone's going to pay. -You don't believe that yourself.
Why not?
Because people like Constantin and Marlene never pay.
By the way, the rumors aren't true. I saw him with his pants off.
Mini-BiFi.
What? She's had more action than we have?
I have an idea.
Tomorrow night at the graduation dance.
But I can't do it alone, Paula. I need your help.
Will you go to the dance with me?
I'll help you.
But we're not going to the dance together. Officially.
Then we'll never see each other again.
-Paula, please. -Agreed?
Agreed.
Whoa, that's really hard.
Unlike me.
We can go in now.
Paula, wait.
Okay, what's the plan?
We're going to…
-Charly, if you do that one more-- -Okay!
-We're going to destroy Constantin. -Good. And Marlene?
Believe me, she'll never get over it. Tonight means everything to her.
Good!
How are we going to do this?
It's really simple. We'll find Françoise, and you talk her into helping us.
-So, that's the reason you need my help? -No, that's not what I said.
You want me to talk to her because she won't talk to you.
-I just thought if-- -I won't fix your mess!
Talk to her yourself!
-Fine! -Fine!
Go on, then.
I'm going.
-Go faster! -I'll go when I'm good and ready.
Now!
Think I can bring along two girlfriends?
Hola, Françoise.
Fabienne maybe? You met her last week. The one with the long, blonde hair.
I think she went with Marco or Markus.
He's a little devil.
Oh, your outfit. It's cool.
Thanks.
I'll join you later. See you.
Listen, I know he doesn't deserve it, but I really need your help.
Sure.
What do you need?
First, the little asshole wants to apologize to you.
Yes. Françoise?
I'm so incredibly sorry,
and I really wish that I knew what happened.
It sounds like an excuse,
but I totally blacked out at Marlene's party.
Yeah. It would be better if you were into women, right?
Who says that I'm not?
Right.
You really don't remember?
Okay.
So…
Everything was fine at first. We had a lot of fun. We danced, drank.
But then…
Françoise, don't worry. I'll be right back, then it's your turn.
Two babes!
Who said I wanted to sleep with you?
I'm so sorry, really. I don't…
I don't usually drink alcohol, and I was totally wasted that night.
He also talks to his dick.
-Don't all guys do that? -Yes, but--
Paula! I think we got it.
Want to teach a lesson to an asshole who's an asshole even when he's sober?
Always.
Bonsoir.
You're really going for it.
Oh, small.
He really is tiny.
Consti - No Dick!
-Shit, man. This is totally wrong. -We're no better than they are.
Free at last! Hey, fans, it's me!
We'll get a selfie later, okay? Hey, Françoise.
You may be an asshole, but not even you deserve this.
And Paula certainly doesn't!
Look at me.
Kneel before your queen!
Why do we keep doing this?
Shouldn't we treat each other with respect?
Irrespective of our genitals?
-We all have our insecurities. -In the end, we're all the same.
We are the way we are.
Long live the genitals!
I'm gonna be fired.
Mr. Pendergast. No!
Principal Voigt.
Tell me, what happened during your exams?
It's complicated.
But you know what? A wise man once said,
"Don't let your schooling interfere with your education."
That really is very wise.
Do you know what? An even wiser woman once said…
"See you next year."
Hey, guys!
I've never felt so free.
I'm really glad.
-Oh my God! Totally forgot. -What?
Someone smashed the lights on your motorbike.
You said lights, but only one of them is broken.
That's right.
That's for calling me a slut.
Fuck. That's…
It's over, Constantin.
Cheat!
-Asshole! -Marlene! Wait!
Don't touch me! You're fat!
I didn't want to say anything, but you've put on weight.
Yeah! And you stink!
You know what? Your giant feet are way too big for your tiny body.
Plus, we hate your dog. He has aggression issues.
Mr. Fluffles doesn't have aggression issues!
-Did you just give me the finger? -Marlene, wait!
She fell into my lap. It was an accident.
So you are definitely the coolest people here.
To be honest, I only did this exchange program to have some fun.
If you're interested, I would be up for a ménage à trois.
I'm saving myself for someone really special.
Thanks. We'll get back to you on that.
My offer stands.
Feel free to get in touch. See you.
What the hell was that?
Is everyone deaf? Charly, come on!
You already have someone new?
To be honest, I've known her for quite a while.
But I was an idiot. I screwed it up.
Quick! Françoise is over there. We can still catch up with her.
Okay, I think we got it. Let's go to the after-party!
I see.
So that's it, then.
I…
I guess.
Bye.
It was an honor to be your best friend all these years.
-I don't believe it! -For real?
Is this it at last?
-No more games. -No, I think this is really it.
-Okay, we're doing it. Help him! -Help her!
-Come on! -Let's go!
-Sorry, wait. -Let's get started!
I… Okay.
-It's really happening! -It's happening.
-Come on! -Let's go!
Quick!
Yes!
10 SECONDS LATER
Sorry that I…
It happens.
-You didn't? -No.
Go again?
11 SECONDS LATER
Dude!
-Yeah. -This time?
That was nice.
Not this time either?
Nah.
Oh, I know exactly what I want.
Do you hear that?
What?
Exactly!
-Good morning. -Morning.
-See you later. -Okay.
-Okay, let it out. -Yes!
Yeah. Been a long time since I was this nervous.
My last date was 20 years ago.
I hope I can do it. A lot's changed over the last few years.
It used to take three dates to get to the first kiss.
Let's see. Maybe today, I can let the little tiger out.
Not the little tiger. Dad, please.
-You said I shouldn't give up on myself. -No, I said you shouldn't give up.
Oh God. I'm sweating like a pig.
-How do I look? -Dad.
Are you sure you want to do this?
Yes! More sure than ever.
Oh, hello. My name is Rudi.
You look a lot prettier than in your profile picture.
Beautiful hair.
And lovely long legs. Like me.
There was nothing in your profile about kids.
Well, you know, it's not always worth putting it all down straight away.
I thought, if things work out, I'd break it to you gently.
Very funny.
Charly, don't wait up for us.
Where are we going?
I have a reservation at a restaurant
pretty far out of town.
Oh, really?
Because there's this new yogurt place that I really wanted to try.
I love yogurt.
Hopefully, they have eggplant flavor.
Eggplant?
I'm really psyched.
How long's the drive?
Let's see.
And we're back with the weather.
There's a definite chance of a hard front coming in.
It'll get very wet over the next few days.
Did I mention the hard front? It'll get really hard!
And did I mention just how wet it's going to get? Like, really wet!
-Did you miss us? -Did you miss us?
FOR BERNIE
HARD FEELINGS