1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:08,049
[crowd cheering, applauding]

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
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I'm 37 and single.

5
00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,355
[crowd cheering, laughing]

6
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It's a bad combination.

7
00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:25,692
I've gotten pickier.

8
00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:28,236
I don't know how that happened.
I've gotten pickier.

9
00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:31,364
I was on a dating app,
said no to someone's name the other day.

10
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,282
[crowd chuckling]

11
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:35,493
A name. I saw a name.
I was like, "Fuck that name."

12
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:37,203
[crowd laughing]

13
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:38,246
It was Darlene.

14
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:40,248
[crowd laughing]

15
00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:42,959
I'm not dating a Darlene.
I'm not dating a Darlene.

16
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,586
I'm not a husband from the 1950s.

17
00:00:44,669 --> 00:00:45,628
I'm not…

18
00:00:46,337 --> 00:00:49,090
dating the Werther's Originals of names.

19
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,759
[crowd laughing]

20
00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:54,596
I'm not dating a Sophia,
a Blanche, a Rose, a Dorothy.

21
00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:57,766
If your name was on Nick at Nite,
I'm not dating you.

22
00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,392
[crowd laughing]

23
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:03,313
I just don't see a fun future
with a Darlene. I can't envision it.

24
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:07,525
Like, I don't see,
"Darlene brings tequila into the movies."

25
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:09,444
[crowd laughing]

26
00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:13,364
Like, I see, "Take off your shoes.
Darlene doesn't like them in the house."

27
00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:15,450
[crowd laughing]

28
00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:17,994
I've said no to a woman's dog's name.

29
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:22,791
I saw profile. "My dog Cameron."
I was like, "No."

30
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:24,751
[crowd laughing]

31
00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:28,421
I'm not dating someone with a dog
that's also a financial planner.

32
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:29,964
[crowd laughing]

33
00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,717
Look, are we gonna be at the park?
"Cameron, Cameron?"

34
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:35,762
Some guy in a suit's like,
"Are you talking to me?"

35
00:01:36,679 --> 00:01:40,350
Anytime someone's profile
says "spiritual," I'm fucking out.

36
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,062
I don't know what it means.
I don't think she knows what it means.

37
00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:47,941
Every time I see "spiritual,"
I assume she hand dances at a CVS. Just…

38
00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:49,275
[crowd laughing]

39
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:52,278
There's no music playing.
She's like, "I caught a vibe."

40
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,782
She's ribbon dancing with the big receipt.

41
00:01:55,865 --> 00:01:58,409
[crowd laughing]

42
00:01:58,493 --> 00:01:59,744
And I'm making assumptions.

43
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:02,330
But I don't wanna
rub crystals on my cock. I don't.

44
00:02:03,706 --> 00:02:07,877
It's me. I'm the issue in all of this.
I'm making the judgments.

45
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,170
These are nice people.

46
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:13,508
I get irrationally mad
at people's profiles.

47
00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:15,093
One woman, her profile said,

48
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:20,723
"I like to wake up and read
and go for a walk with my morning coffee."

49
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:25,145
My guttural, 37-year-old reaction to that

50
00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:26,980
was, "Fuck off."

51
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:32,485
I knew everything about her
from that sentence. I knew the book.

52
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,154
I knew the coffee. I knew the walk.

53
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:37,323
Fuck that book about a missing woman.
Fuck that book.

54
00:02:37,407 --> 00:02:39,033
[crowd laughing]

55
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:42,120
Fuck that coffee with a touch of oat milk.
Fuck that coffee.

56
00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:44,789
Fuck your walk
that ended with an Instagram post

57
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:47,167
of a leaf in black and white
with "autumn" in cursive.

58
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:50,086
Fuck… that post.

59
00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:52,755
It's like, what am I mad at?

60
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:56,092
What am I saying "fuck off"
to a healthy, functional human being,

61
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,929
like a Jewish woman
who found a good dairy alternative? What?

62
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,390
[crowd laughing]

63
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:07,020
It's just not real. It's not real, right?

64
00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:10,064
Thirty-seven and single
means I've done level one of dating.

65
00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:11,733
I want to be at level three.

66
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,027
Right? I want a real profile.

67
00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:17,697
I would much rather the profile be like,
"I like to wake up and scroll…"

68
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:20,867
[crowd laughing]

69
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:24,245
"…and sip a water
that's been next to my bed for a month."

70
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,331
[crowd laughing raucously]

71
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:32,128
That's a real person.
Like, I would love that pro--

72
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,714
"I like to wake up and fart,
lift up the sheets…

73
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,216
[crowd laughing]

74
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,134
…see if it smells like dinner."

75
00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:45,391
We want real on a dating app,
but I don't think I could be that real.

76
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:49,062
This person wrote what they like to do.
I can't write what I like to do.

77
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:54,317
You ever thought of what you like to do?
I like to sit on the couch and stare.

78
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,694
[crowd laughing]

79
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:57,862
You know what I love to do?

80
00:03:57,946 --> 00:04:01,241
I like to look at the phone,
look at the TV…

81
00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:04,077
Go in my room, masturbate,
fall asleep like a Jesus painting.

82
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:08,581
Wake up, have a snack,
do the whole thing over again.

83
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:12,252
Just phone, TV, masturbate, snack.
Phone, TV, masturbate, snack.

84
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:15,088
Phone, TV, call my mom, masturbate, snack.

85
00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:17,006
-[crowd laughing]
-[woman whooping]

86
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,676
I can't write that
on a dating app. [chuckling]

87
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:21,636
What woman is like, "Finally!"?

88
00:04:21,719 --> 00:04:24,222
[crowd laughing]

89
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:25,515
"A multitasker."

90
00:04:27,558 --> 00:04:30,061
"I hope he takes a shit
till his leg falls asleep."

91
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:37,485
Thirty-seven and single
means you have married friends,

92
00:04:37,568 --> 00:04:40,196
and they try to help,
and they cannot help.

93
00:04:40,905 --> 00:04:44,158
And I know some of you are here
with married friends that try to help.

94
00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:46,202
Let me give a message to you from them,

95
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,412
"Shut the fuck up."

96
00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:48,746
[crowd laughing]

97
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:49,956
You're not helping.

98
00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:52,625
It doesn't matter
how extreme a married person's story is,

99
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,919
they tell it as if you should do it too.

100
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:59,132
They'll look you dead in the eye.
"I met Robert in seventh grade."

101
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,553
"Have you tried seventh grade?"

102
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:06,306
[crowd laughing]

103
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:09,058
You're not allowed to disagree with them.
It's too exhausting.

104
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,769
So you're like,
"I gotta start trying seventh grade."

105
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:15,023
"I gotta enroll in the middle school."

106
00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:19,360
"I gotta go to one of those Kumon
and do after school activities."

107
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,446
[crowd laughing]

108
00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:25,908
Married men don't try to help you at all.
They don't care.

109
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:29,662
The only thing married men talk about
is how they would've crushed it on Tinder.

110
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,331
That's the only thing they say.

111
00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:34,625
"Oh man, if I was single…"

112
00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:37,295
It's like, I knew you then.

113
00:05:37,378 --> 00:05:40,423
[crowd laughing]

114
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:43,384
Married women are weird.
They're condescending.

115
00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:46,721
Women seem to be in this competition
that… that I don't even believe in.

116
00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:49,682
Like, "Married, winning. Single, losing."
That seems to be the case.

117
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,310
So, when all of my friends
who are my age get married,

118
00:05:52,393 --> 00:05:56,356
they act like they have no memory
of being single whatsoever.

119
00:05:56,856 --> 00:06:00,234
Like, they're not allowed to admit
they remember it, because it was fun.

120
00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:02,236
They'll be like, "I don't even remember."

121
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,364
[crowd laughing]

122
00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:06,991
"Oh, what was it, 2012?"

123
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:11,704
"Was the internet around back then?"

124
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:15,124
"I think I just played Snake
on my phone all day."

125
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,502
"Where am I? I'm so old."

126
00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:19,629
[crowd laughing]

127
00:06:19,712 --> 00:06:23,674
"I think my father
got a cow in the transaction."

128
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:29,138
They're so bizarre.
I was at Fourth of July.

129
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,100
I pulled out Bumble, the dating app,
in front of my married friend.

130
00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,643
Her body jutted away.

131
00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:34,811
[crowd chuckling]

132
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:35,728
Legitimate.

133
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:39,315
It was like I pulled out my pet cock
and balls, and I was like, "Here."

134
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,776
[crowd laughing]

135
00:06:41,859 --> 00:06:45,321
I pull out Bumble. She goes,
"I wouldn't even know how to use that."

136
00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:49,283
I was like, "Are you stupid?"

137
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,119
[crowd laughing]

138
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:53,246
"Brief tutorial. Left, no."

139
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:55,957
"Right, fuck."

140
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,585
"You're caught up.
Easier than Seamless. You're good."

141
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:02,422
Then she looked me in the eye.
She had this weird speech.

142
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:06,217
She goes, "Thank God
I am not single today. Thank God!"

143
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,386
-[crowd chuckling]
-[Jared chuckling]

144
00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:11,764
"Thank God!" She kept going.
"Thank God! Thank Jesus Christ!"

145
00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:17,270
I thought she was gonna start preaching.
"Let me get an 'amen' for being married!"

146
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:18,187
[crowd laughing]

147
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,273
"I said, 'Thank you, Jesus!'"

148
00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:23,109
"No more first dates. Thank you, Jesus!"

149
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,446
"No more random cock on my phone!"

150
00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,531
[crowd laughing]

151
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:32,160
She was thanking a higher power
that she didn't have my life.

152
00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,953
[crowd laughing raucously]

153
00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:36,205
You don't think
that's condescending at all?

154
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,167
Now I do that to her baby. [chuckling]

155
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,419
[crowd laughing raucously]

156
00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:45,089
"Timmy's up from his nap." I'm like,
"I wouldn't even know how to use that."

157
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,549
[crowd laughing raucously]

158
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:49,927
And then I march around,
"Can I get an 'amen' for having no kids?"

159
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,348
"Can I get a 'thank you, Jesus'
for masturbating with the door open?"

160
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:55,266
"Thank you!"

161
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:59,020
"I said, 'Thank you, Jesus!'" [chuckling]

162
00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:01,397
"I said, 'Thank you, Jesus,'

163
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,734
for not sharing a mortgage
with someone I used to love."

164
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:06,819
[crowd laughing]

165
00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:10,990
That last one sounds bitter.

166
00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:13,326
[crowd laughing]

167
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:16,454
I agree.
That's something I've had to deal with.

168
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:19,248
You sound bad, as a single person.
I sound bad.

169
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,793
We have to admit
we sound bad to our married friends.

170
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:24,712
They're right a little bit.

171
00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:29,217
They try to help,
and we're not really good to help.

172
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:32,136
'Cause we're aspirational.
We're not easy to deal with.

173
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,681
My dad tried to set me up.
My dad lives in Florida. I live here.

174
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,684
He called me. He goes,
"You know, a woman in Miami

175
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,270
would like to meet you."

176
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:45,233
I was like,
"Do you have any more information?"

177
00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:47,401
[crowd laughing]

178
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:50,363
He goes, "You're so picky."

179
00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:52,823
[crowd laughing]

180
00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:54,283
What is weirder in that scenario?

181
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,661
Me asking for a picture
or what she does for a living,

182
00:08:56,744 --> 00:08:58,204
or me booking a ticket?

183
00:08:58,287 --> 00:09:00,206
[crowd laughing]

184
00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:03,000
Flying to Miami,
going to a busy street corner.

185
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,168
"I'm here!"

186
00:09:05,461 --> 00:09:08,714
"I hear there's someone
looking for a chubby Jew."

187
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:12,093
[crowd laughing raucously]

188
00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:16,556
But that's the thing.

189
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:20,393
Your… your married friends hear something
different than what we're saying.

190
00:09:20,476 --> 00:09:21,811
You are hungry.

191
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,896
They have brought you food.

192
00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,567
And you're like, "Is it organic?"

193
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,068
[crowd laughing]

194
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,196
I see it from my single friends too.

195
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:35,741
I see it. I… I understand it.
I was out for lunch with my friend.

196
00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:38,327
I was scrolling on Instagram,
she was swiping on Bumble.

197
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,954
You know, how friends have lunch.

198
00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:41,664
[crowd laughing]

199
00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:44,375
Just hanging out
to the sound of each other's breath.

200
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:47,670
She gets a match, a match.

201
00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:50,965
She holds up the phone.
She goes, "Look at this fucking loser."

202
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,221
That was a match.

203
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,724
[crowd laughing]

204
00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:00,808
And I understand that.

205
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:03,978
When you're on a dating app,
you get good-looking all of a sudden.

206
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:04,895
I'm okay looking,

207
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:08,024
but when I'm on there, I'm like
a judge on America's Next Top Model.

208
00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:11,319
I'm on there,
"Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew."

209
00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:12,403
"Maybe."

210
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,032
You ever do the maybe swipe,
like you're special?

211
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,075
[crowd laughing]

212
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,827
"They should have the pleasure."

213
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:22,788
"Trash."

214
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:24,874
[crowd laughing]

215
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:28,085
I love watching The Bachelor.

216
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:31,589
[women cheering]

217
00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:34,967
If you are single
and you love watching The Bachelor,

218
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:38,179
you'll have one married friend
who will look at you and say,

219
00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:40,056
"You should go on!"

220
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:42,475
[crowd laughing raucously]

221
00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:44,644
"You should go on!"

222
00:10:45,519 --> 00:10:47,355
I'm here to tell us,

223
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,231
"No, we shouldn't."

224
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:53,778
I've met some of the contestants.
There's one thing they all have in common.

225
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:57,073
They are tall, Adonis-like,
tree-like figures.

226
00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:00,910
If I went on that show,
I would look like a bush.

227
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:03,371
[crowd laughing raucously]

228
00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:07,291
It would look like I showed up
to the wrong reality TV show.

229
00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:10,961
They'd be like, "This isn't Man v. Food."

230
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,255
[crowd laughing]

231
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,508
Honestly, it would look
like a Make-A-Wish.

232
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:17,134
[crowd laughing raucously]

233
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:20,596
I would get out of the limo,
I'd be like, "Hi, I make the funnies."

234
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,391
And… she'd start talking too loud.

235
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:25,810
[shouting] "Hi, thank you for coming!"

236
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,647
"It's so special to have you here!"

237
00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:32,775
[crowd laughing]

238
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:36,153
And if I ever went on The Bachelorette
and then became the bachelor,

239
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,113
I could never--

240
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:38,739
The show-- I'm too judgmental.

241
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:41,659
The show would be one episode.

242
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:46,247
I would see a foot come out of the limo.
I'd be like, "Get her the fuck out!"

243
00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:47,832
[crowd laughing]

244
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,626
"Was that red nail polish?
I don't date hoes."

245
00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:54,380
They'd introduce themselves.

246
00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:57,550
"Your name is Kathryn with a Y?
Get the fuck out my house right now."

247
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,928
"I'm sorry, you're from 'Warshington?'
There's no R in that state."

248
00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:03,472
"Get your arse out of my harse, now."

249
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,682
[crowd laughing]

250
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:06,016
I would make up games.

251
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,894
I'd be like, "Ladies, tonight,
take off your eyelashes."

252
00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:12,857
"I wanna see what's under the hood."

253
00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:16,569
The show would be one episode.

254
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:19,405
It would end with me
and the host in an empty mansion.

255
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,616
And I would look at them
while we ate pizza.

256
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:25,327
Like, "Ugh,
I guess it was a bad crop this season."

257
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,495
[crowd laughing]

258
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:28,914
[Jared chuckling]

259
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:32,209
So I understand that level of delusion.

260
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:36,505
She holds up the phone.
She goes, "Look at this fucking loser."

261
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:40,718
And I look at the picture.
It was a cliché picture.

262
00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:43,596
And she was angry.
It's one a lot of people get.

263
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,848
It was the guy holding the fish.

264
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:47,141
[crowd laughing]

265
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:48,976
[Jared chuckling]

266
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,104
Look, the villagers are angry.

267
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:53,939
[crowd laughing]

268
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:55,900
You guys got visibly upset.

269
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,819
You didn't see the picture.
She was the same way.

270
00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:00,821
She's like,
"These fucking fish. Fucking losers."

271
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,573
"What the fuck is up with them?"

272
00:13:02,656 --> 00:13:05,242
"What do they think,
we wanna see a dead fucking fish?"

273
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:07,203
I had to calm her down.

274
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:09,622
I was like,
"Not your match, not your problem."

275
00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:12,750
I even did some fish humor.
I go, "Throw him back."

276
00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:16,378
[crowd laughing, applauding]

277
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,548
She was so mad at the fish picture.

278
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,342
It was… It's not even rational.

279
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:25,387
What do you think,
he did that picture to get you?

280
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:28,641
You think guys
cockblock themselves on purpose?

281
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:30,518
You think he was on a boat like,

282
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:33,187
"Hand me that fish,
I wanna fuck with some lonely women."

283
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:35,272
[crowd laughing]

284
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,860
He had the best of intentions.

285
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:43,823
What do you think? Let me ask you
the same question I asked her.

286
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:47,660
"How many opportunities do you think
straight men get for a lone picture?"

287
00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:49,745
[crowd laughing]

288
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,250
Do you think we go on a bachelor party

289
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,335
the same way
you go on a bachelorette party?

290
00:13:57,253 --> 00:14:01,048
A bachelorette party is a series
of photoshoots, and everyone has a role.

291
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:04,593
Creative director bitch. Lighting bitch.

292
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:09,056
The chick who takes the hip of your bikini
and puts it above your nipple.

293
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:11,392
[crowd laughing]

294
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:15,479
You think I'm going on a bachelor party
making an announcement to my friends

295
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,314
for an alonesie?

296
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:19,149
[crowd laughing]

297
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:23,487
You think I'm looking at them?
"Hey, guys, before we get started here."

298
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:28,534
"In Vegas, I wanna
just get a brief announcement in."

299
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,662
"I know you guys
will never make fun of me."

300
00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:36,458
"If you see me
giggling in front of a sunset,

301
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:39,712
or in a vineyard,

302
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:43,591
or in front of a mural
in a gentrified neighborhood…

303
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,429
…could you pop off some candids?"

304
00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:50,222
[crowd laughing]

305
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:53,767
"I'm looking for love."

306
00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:57,396
You can't pull out a phone
at a bachelor party.

307
00:14:57,479 --> 00:14:59,940
Some guy's like,
"Get that the fuck outta here!"

308
00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:03,068
"I got kids, man.
You trying to get me in trouble?"

309
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,571
[crowd laughing]

310
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:08,657
This guy caught a fish. Have some respect.

311
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:13,704
He caught a fish.

312
00:15:13,787 --> 00:15:14,705
[crowd cheering]

313
00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:15,623
There you go.

314
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:20,961
With only one intention,
impressing you, and you see it--

315
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,047
"This fucking fish…"

316
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:24,924
He looked at that fish.

317
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:28,010
He was like, "Oh shit,
I can look like a provider." [chuckling]

318
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:30,095
[crowd laughing]

319
00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:33,766
And then he's like, "Look handsome."

320
00:15:34,516 --> 00:15:36,769
"This is the one
that finds you 'the one.'"

321
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:40,397
"Look like you own a boat.
Look like you own a boat."

322
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,483
[crowd laughing]

323
00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:46,820
I… I'm the same way.

324
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:49,198
I have my own versions
of the fish picture.

325
00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:51,825
I have my own versions
that are irrational.

326
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,036
I was at a gender reveal party.

327
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:58,040
Okay, it just got uneasy in here.

328
00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,083
[crowd laughing]

329
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:00,584
I was at a gender reveal party,

330
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:02,795
and I was complaining
about someone's profile.

331
00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:04,630
The profile
was a lot like the fish picture.

332
00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:07,424
This woman wrote,
"Never have I ever eaten fish."

333
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,051
[crowd chuckling]

334
00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:10,928
Okay, some of you didn't react enough.

335
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:13,180
[crowd laughing]

336
00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:14,890
I didn't say, "I don't eat fish."

337
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:18,143
"I don't eat fish" is reasonable.
Tried it, didn't like it. Not for me.

338
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,770
"Never have I ever…

339
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:21,814
eaten fish."

340
00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:23,816
She's not ten years old. [chuckling]

341
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:27,111
This is a 38-year-old woman.

342
00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,697
Some of you are
too woke to get involved in this.

343
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,407
[crowd laughing]

344
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:34,785
I can see you're like,
"What religion is he offending right now?"

345
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:36,620
[crowd laughing]

346
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:39,873
All of the religions eat fucking fish.

347
00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:43,752
"Never have I ever eaten fish"
can only mean

348
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,213
dating her is a pain in the fucking ass.

349
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:48,924
Like, she goes to lunch with her friend,

350
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:52,136
someone gets the fish tacos,
she's like, "Hey guys, you know…"

351
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:53,762
[crowd laughing]

352
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:57,266
I'd put it right up to her mouth.
I'd be like, "Put it in right now."

353
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:01,020
"End this… end this personality trait
that you think is interesting."

354
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:02,146
"End it right now."

355
00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:03,897
"We don't have to hear
this story anymore."

356
00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,482
"Please, for the love of fucking God,

357
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,860
put in your mouth
so we can hear a new story from you

358
00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,611
and see if you're a real person."

359
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:10,863
[crowd laughing]

360
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:12,990
Look, I'm not going with that woman
to the cape.

361
00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:14,742
I'm not taking her to the cape.

362
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,955
Am I gonna be, "I'll have the lobster.
She'll have the chicken nuggies"?

363
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,750
[crowd laughing]

364
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:25,085
"She's got a long story
to tell you about it."

365
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,671
[Jared chuckling]

366
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:30,966
I gave that same speech
to my friends at the gender reveal party.

367
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:35,471
My one friend looked at me, he goes,
"You are fucking crazy."

368
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:39,933
He goes, "You took that one thing,
and you made it a whole personality."

369
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,644
He's like, "You sound scared."

370
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:46,565
And I'm like, "Yeah,
I guess I am. I'm scared of being, like,

371
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:49,026
three months dating Flipper…"

372
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:51,653
[crowd laughing]

373
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:54,615
"…and having to end it
for no good reason at all."

374
00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:57,951
That's every relationship I've been in.
I end it before it gets more serious.

375
00:17:58,035 --> 00:17:59,495
I know what would happen with her.

376
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:03,123
And I'm the worst at ending relationships
in the entire world.

377
00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:06,919
Every breakup I've ever had
lasts a month at the minimum.

378
00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:08,045
[crowd laughing]

379
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:09,254
A month!

380
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:10,964
I'm so bad at it.

381
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:14,009
I've never chosen
the right day for a breakup also.

382
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:18,305
Every breakup, every woman's like,
"Three weeks after my half-birthday."

383
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:23,227
"And Honda Days at our local dealership

384
00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:26,396
is directly around the corner."

385
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,357
"You know it's international Bagel day."

386
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,776
"My grandmother died
seven and a half years ago."

387
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,277
"She loved a schmear."

388
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:34,822
[crowd laughing]

389
00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:37,908
I've never chosen the right day.

390
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:41,411
I break up before the next step.
That's my biggest problem.

391
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,288
If you break up before the next step--

392
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:46,959
Moving in,
making it, like, real, engagement.

393
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:51,463
If you break up before the next step,
you… you know they're gonna ask you why.

394
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:55,425
And you don't have a good reason
when you break up before the next step.

395
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:58,220
All your whys are frivolous and fixable.

396
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:03,976
If she was like, "Why?"
I'd be like, "Well, when we went to Miami,

397
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,229
you clapped when the plane landed."

398
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:09,314
[crowd laughing]

399
00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:13,110
"I looked at you. You were like…"

400
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:16,155
"I thought of our kids."

401
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:21,577
"Your texts also come in green.
If we can't…"

402
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:27,040
"If we can't be on the same group chat,
how could we live in the same home?"

403
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:29,126
[crowd laughing]

404
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:34,464
When you break up, what do you have to do?

405
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,675
You have to warn them
by acting a little weird.

406
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,262
'Cause they don't know it's coming.
Everything's great.

407
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,890
Before the next step,
we should be doing the next thing.

408
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,683
So, you act weird. You try to warn them.

409
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:47,227
It's never worked
in the history of every relationship.

410
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:50,522
You… you text less,
you make less plans, right?

411
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:51,565
I'll do weird things.

412
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:53,859
I'll… I'll give them
a different name during sex.

413
00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:55,736
[crowd laughing]

414
00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:57,279
Never works. They don't even know.

415
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:59,907
They'll be like, "Ooh, role-play."
You're like, "Ugh, fuck!"

416
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:01,992
[crowd laughing]

417
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:05,787
Every time I've acted weird,

418
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,749
it never turns into getting dumped
or a conversation.

419
00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:10,792
It's just, "You're acting weird!"

420
00:20:12,085 --> 00:20:15,172
And I'm always like,
"Yeah, I would dump me if I were you."

421
00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:17,257
[crowd laughing]

422
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,598
And then they're like…
[laughing nervously]

423
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:28,018
And I'm like… [laughing nervously]

424
00:20:28,101 --> 00:20:30,062
[crowd laughing]

425
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,736
It's so stupid 'cause then
all you got left are vague reasons.

426
00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:38,904
Vague reasons.

427
00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:41,448
And I've learned one thing as a man.

428
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,910
Vague reasons aren't good enough
for any woman in a breakup.

429
00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:46,078
You gotta have good reasons.

430
00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:48,247
Reasons they go to the brunch table
and be like,

431
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,832
"He said he hates my grandmother."

432
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:52,209
[crowd laughing]

433
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:56,004
You need good reasons.
I have vague reasons, and they never work.

434
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,382
It'll be like, "I'm busy,"
or something. You know?

435
00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:00,550
Or like, "It's not you. It's me."

436
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:02,719
"The timing's off."

437
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:06,056
And they're like a zombie.
They keep coming at me.

438
00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:09,226
Right? I'm a fat cop with bad aim.

439
00:21:09,309 --> 00:21:11,603
[crowd laughing]

440
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:14,314
Just like, "The timing's off."
"We can make time."

441
00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:17,818
"It's not you. It's me."
"It's a little bit me."

442
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:19,319
[crowd chuckling]

443
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,406
And then my friend got left
by his fiancée.

444
00:21:22,489 --> 00:21:24,658
Right around the same time I left my ex.

445
00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:26,660
He called me.
He goes, "The wedding's off."

446
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:29,121
And I go, "What happened?"
He goes, "She said she's bisexual."

447
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:33,500
I had just spent a month breaking up.
My first thought was, "Fuck."

448
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:35,877
"I should have said bisexual."

449
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:37,963
[crowd laughing]

450
00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:44,886
It worked for her!

451
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:49,099
A whole wedding canceled.
But bi would only work for a woman.

452
00:21:49,182 --> 00:21:50,559
It could never work-- If I--

453
00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:54,479
And it's bullshit. Some of you are like.
"That's offensive." It's not offensive.

454
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,148
If my girlfriend was like,

455
00:21:56,231 --> 00:21:59,568
"I'm leaving because I'm bi,"
I'd be like, "I'm still in the game here."

456
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:01,653
[crowd laughing]

457
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:06,199
Bi? But bi's a half-breakup,
just like clapping when the plane lands,

458
00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:07,659
just like, "It's not you. It's me."

459
00:22:07,743 --> 00:22:09,995
If I said bi, I'd be like, "I'm bi."

460
00:22:10,078 --> 00:22:11,747
She'd keep coming at me.

461
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,291
She'd be like,
"Let's go suck a dick." [chuckling]

462
00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:15,334
[crowd laughing]

463
00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:17,753
"My friend Cameron is experimenting."

464
00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:20,297
"He's got soft hands."

465
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:25,469
That's the thing you learn
from every breakup before the next step.

466
00:22:25,552 --> 00:22:27,179
You can't turn off your girlfriend.

467
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:29,473
You can't. Unturnoffable.

468
00:22:30,265 --> 00:22:31,725
You can turn off a woman.

469
00:22:32,642 --> 00:22:33,477
That's easy.

470
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,396
[crowd laughing]

471
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,981
I didn't realize how easy it was.

472
00:22:38,065 --> 00:22:40,817
My friend, she went on a date.
I go, "How was the date?"

473
00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:42,569
She goes, "I had to leave early."

474
00:22:43,153 --> 00:22:44,279
"I got 'the ick.'"

475
00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:48,325
Look, every woman here
knows exactly what I'm talking about.

476
00:22:48,408 --> 00:22:49,242
[crowd laughing]

477
00:22:49,326 --> 00:22:52,162
I… I didn't know. I thought she said
a German word. I had no idea.

478
00:22:53,997 --> 00:22:55,040
I go, "What's 'the ick?'"

479
00:22:55,123 --> 00:22:56,792
"She goes, 'When you go on a date,

480
00:22:56,875 --> 00:22:59,628
he does one thing,
and you never want to fuck him ever.'"

481
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:00,921
[crowd laughing]

482
00:23:01,004 --> 00:23:03,548
I was like, "That's the least
relatable thing I've heard…

483
00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:06,134
in my entire life."

484
00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:07,427
I was like, "What happened?"

485
00:23:07,511 --> 00:23:10,514
She goes, "We went to a park.
He sat criss-cross applesauce."

486
00:23:10,597 --> 00:23:12,599
[crowd laughing raucously]

487
00:23:15,602 --> 00:23:17,896
That is the least relatable thing

488
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:19,689
I have ever--

489
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:23,151
I have never thought
that I was criss-cross applesauce away

490
00:23:23,860 --> 00:23:25,904
from not fucking that night.

491
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:29,408
I go, "Does this happen a lot?"
She goes, "All the time."

492
00:23:29,908 --> 00:23:33,161
She goes, "One time, a guy
took me bowling. He did this too much."

493
00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:34,538
[crowd laughing]

494
00:23:34,621 --> 00:23:37,749
She goes, "Another time it was raining,
and he hopped over a puddle."

495
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:43,213
What I love about "the ick" is
it's two people on two different pages.

496
00:23:43,296 --> 00:23:46,174
He's bowling. He's like,
"Wait till she sees that strike."

497
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,843
[crowd laughing]

498
00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:50,971
He hops over the puddle.
He's like, "Kept my socks dry!"

499
00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:55,058
And she's sitting there like,
"And my pussy."

500
00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:56,643
[crowd laughing]

501
00:23:57,894 --> 00:23:59,271
I'm now collecting icks.

502
00:23:59,354 --> 00:24:00,856
I keep asking women for their icks.

503
00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:02,649
I've heard them all at this point.

504
00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:05,444
Tied his shoes bunny ears.
Wouldn't fuck him.

505
00:24:07,821 --> 00:24:09,114
Scooched into a booth.

506
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:13,118
On the elliptical.

507
00:24:13,201 --> 00:24:15,287
[crowd laughing]

508
00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:19,541
One woman said the guy went to pay for
the date, and all of a sudden she heard…

509
00:24:19,624 --> 00:24:21,376
[vocalizing] Velcro wallet.

510
00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,128
[crowd laughing raucously]

511
00:24:25,755 --> 00:24:27,674
I had a woman in Buffalo say to me,

512
00:24:27,757 --> 00:24:31,303
"I got 'the ick' 'cause I imagined
him missing a bus and chasing it."

513
00:24:31,386 --> 00:24:33,180
[crowd laughing]

514
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:39,769
Some of you look like you didn't
follow along. He never missed the bus.

515
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:43,023
That means he was like, "Hi, I'm Josh,"

516
00:24:43,106 --> 00:24:45,484
and she was like, "Can you imagine
this loser missing a bus?"

517
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:50,822
I wish I had known about "the ick."

518
00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:54,534
One woman said she went swimming
with a guy and he dove in badly.

519
00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:57,037
Every straight man wishes they'd known.

520
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,415
I wish my summer camp counselors
were like, "Put your hands together."

521
00:25:01,708 --> 00:25:04,085
"You don't know how important this is."

522
00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:05,504
[crowd laughing]

523
00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:07,297
[Jared chuckling]

524
00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:08,548
She even once--

525
00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:10,926
What I love about "the ick"--
I'd never yuck your ick.

526
00:25:11,009 --> 00:25:12,260
You're allowed to have your ick.

527
00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:15,430
They're… they're reasonable
and unreasonable at the same time.

528
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:17,933
Like, I… I get it, but I don't get it.

529
00:25:18,016 --> 00:25:20,560
There's some that go against everything
you've ever told men.

530
00:25:20,644 --> 00:25:22,687
One woman said
she went ice skating with a guy.

531
00:25:22,771 --> 00:25:24,898
He was bad at it, so he used the penguin.

532
00:25:24,981 --> 00:25:26,816
[crowd laughing]

533
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:29,402
It's like, that guy's doing
everything you told us.

534
00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:31,988
He's like,
"You're being vulnerable. Good for you."

535
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,784
"You went to therapy for this. Good job."

536
00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:37,869
[crowd laughing]

537
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:44,125
One woman said she played ping-pong.
The ball got away. He chased it like that.

538
00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:49,839
And that's where it's reasonable.
This isn't a fuckable look for a man.

539
00:25:50,465 --> 00:25:53,468
I don't know a lot of women that are like,
"You know what makes me wet?"

540
00:25:54,469 --> 00:25:56,930
"When a man runs like a toddler
for the first time."

541
00:25:57,973 --> 00:25:59,224
But then it's unreasonable.

542
00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:01,768
What's a fuckable way
to chase a ping-pong ball?

543
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:04,396
You… you can't think of it.

544
00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:07,315
What's he supposed to do?
"Oh I got this shit, motherfucker."

545
00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:09,401
[crowd laughing]

546
00:26:10,277 --> 00:26:11,528
[Jared chuckling]

547
00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:15,740
And that's the thing.
I would fuck you no matter what.

548
00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:19,077
A woman could be a walking ick.
[chuckling]

549
00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:22,539
A woman could come in my apartment
while chasing a ping-pong ball.

550
00:26:23,123 --> 00:26:24,374
Farting the whole way. Just…

551
00:26:24,457 --> 00:26:25,709
[Jared flatulating]

552
00:26:25,792 --> 00:26:29,504
Pick her nose, hock a loogie,
use the wrong form of "your."

553
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:31,923
[crowd laughing]

554
00:26:32,007 --> 00:26:34,509
And I'd be like, "Who is this angel?"

555
00:26:35,468 --> 00:26:36,720
[Jared chuckling]

556
00:26:37,679 --> 00:26:40,682
I have no relation to "the ick."
I understand the feeling.

557
00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:44,019
Like, I think I got "the ick",
like in high school.

558
00:26:45,061 --> 00:26:48,189
Like when the teacher would match you
with someone dumber for a group project.

559
00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:51,443
Right? That's gotta be the feeling, right?

560
00:26:51,526 --> 00:26:53,737
They're like,
"You're gonna be with Randy."

561
00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:55,280
And you're like, "Okay."

562
00:26:55,363 --> 00:26:57,365
-[crowd laughing]
-[Jared chuckling]

563
00:26:58,199 --> 00:26:59,576
"I'll deal with Randy."

564
00:27:00,535 --> 00:27:02,787
And then Randy forgets a pencil,
is like "Okie dokie."

565
00:27:02,871 --> 00:27:03,913
And you're like f--

566
00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:05,999
[crowd laughing]

567
00:27:09,836 --> 00:27:11,963
But I've never gotten an ick on a date

568
00:27:12,047 --> 00:27:13,673
and not wanted to fuck a woman.

569
00:27:15,091 --> 00:27:17,177
I have… I have no relation to "the ick."

570
00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:21,097
Every woman in here
has a strong relationship with it.

571
00:27:22,098 --> 00:27:23,433
I've gotten "the oof."

572
00:27:23,975 --> 00:27:25,977
[crowd chuckling]

573
00:27:29,439 --> 00:27:31,566
You guys look as clueless as I looked.

574
00:27:32,150 --> 00:27:34,986
Like, "Oof, I shouldn't have
fucked that chick. Fuck."

575
00:27:35,779 --> 00:27:37,530
"She ordered milk with dinner."

576
00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:40,283
[crowd laughing]

577
00:27:42,035 --> 00:27:44,204
"She's unreasonable." [chuckling]

578
00:27:46,164 --> 00:27:49,167
I think about that a lot.
Why do I get an oof and you get an ick?

579
00:27:50,377 --> 00:27:52,671
Why did "the ick" get such a great laugh?

580
00:27:54,964 --> 00:27:56,800
And "the oof," no laugh at all?

581
00:27:56,883 --> 00:27:58,551
[crowd laughing]

582
00:27:58,635 --> 00:28:00,220
"The ick," you guys were into it.

583
00:28:00,303 --> 00:28:02,972
You guys were like,
[taunting] "We won't fuck those dudes."

584
00:28:06,559 --> 00:28:09,521
Then I did "the oof." You guys were like,
"That's not very funny."

585
00:28:09,604 --> 00:28:11,272
[crowd laughing]

586
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:13,108
[Jared laughing]

587
00:28:13,191 --> 00:28:15,110
And I agree. "The oof" is mean.

588
00:28:16,111 --> 00:28:18,196
I'm not here to disagree.
You're right. But it comes--

589
00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:21,157
They're both from fearful places,
"the ick" and "the oof."

590
00:28:22,033 --> 00:28:25,245
Right? I'm afraid of being unsuccessful,
to button up the shirt of life,

591
00:28:25,328 --> 00:28:28,832
miss a button, have to unbutton
the shirt of life, rebutton it again.

592
00:28:29,332 --> 00:28:33,962
To be older, poor, divorced, in a bar,
paisley shirt, New Balance shoes.

593
00:28:34,045 --> 00:28:35,505
[crowd laughing]

594
00:28:35,588 --> 00:28:37,882
Talking to young women
outside of my generation

595
00:28:37,966 --> 00:28:40,593
about things
I don't care about or know about.

596
00:28:40,677 --> 00:28:44,097
Looking at a 25-year-old, like,
"Yeah, Dua Lipa slaps."

597
00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:46,182
[crowd laughing]

598
00:28:47,517 --> 00:28:49,561
[Jared chuckling]

599
00:28:50,311 --> 00:28:52,731
I think a lot of men relate
to that fear. [chuckling]

600
00:28:52,814 --> 00:28:56,735
Women in my life have the opposite fear,
to never button up the shirt at all.

601
00:28:56,818 --> 00:28:59,404
Last married, last engaged,
the cat woman cliché.

602
00:29:01,114 --> 00:29:01,948
I get that.

603
00:29:02,699 --> 00:29:05,535
So you deal with people like,
"I'll give him a shot."

604
00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:08,997
And then they ick you up.

605
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,416
[crowd chuckling]

606
00:29:11,499 --> 00:29:14,252
I think that's our family.
I go home for the holidays I get asked,

607
00:29:14,335 --> 00:29:16,671
"Are you killing it?
Are you successful? How's work?"

608
00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:18,631
My female friends,
they go home they get asked,

609
00:29:18,715 --> 00:29:21,342
"Are you dating anyone new?
Got a new guy?"

610
00:29:21,426 --> 00:29:23,386
I've never been asked
about my relationship status.

611
00:29:23,470 --> 00:29:25,555
Like, maybe once,
I have an uncle who's like,

612
00:29:25,638 --> 00:29:26,514
"You fucking?"

613
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:29,684
[crowd laughing]

614
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:37,484
So that's why I break up before
the next step. I'm avoiding a life oof.

615
00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:39,569
I've thought about this a lot.

616
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,114
And I blame one group
for being so fearful of oofs.

617
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:44,657
Married men.

618
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:48,870
Married men are
the worst marketing team for marriage…

619
00:29:48,953 --> 00:29:50,163
[crowd laughing]

620
00:29:50,747 --> 00:29:52,749
…that you have ever come across.

621
00:29:52,832 --> 00:29:54,876
They'll be standing next to their wives.

622
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:56,753
They'll look young men in the eyes.

623
00:29:56,836 --> 00:29:58,671
They'll be like, "Don't do it."

624
00:29:58,755 --> 00:30:00,757
[crowd laughing]

625
00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:03,593
And then the wife is in on it, weirdly.

626
00:30:03,676 --> 00:30:05,762
She's like, "Oh, Robert's so funny!"

627
00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:11,351
And then he keeps going. He's like,
"Every morning is worse than the last."

628
00:30:11,434 --> 00:30:12,644
[crowd laughing]

629
00:30:12,727 --> 00:30:14,062
And then she's still laughing.

630
00:30:14,145 --> 00:30:16,856
She's like, "Oh my God,
he's like a comedian, just like you."

631
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,484
And then he's like… [laughing nervously]

632
00:30:19,567 --> 00:30:21,236
[crowd laughing]

633
00:30:21,319 --> 00:30:22,529
You ever watch a horror movie?

634
00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:25,740
They go to the gas station before
the mountain they'll get murdered on?

635
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:29,035
And there's that old guy who's like,
"You don't wanna go there."

636
00:30:29,118 --> 00:30:30,912
[crowd laughing]

637
00:30:30,995 --> 00:30:34,249
That's every married man
I've ever met in my entire--

638
00:30:34,332 --> 00:30:36,292
"Don't go to marriage mountain."

639
00:30:37,710 --> 00:30:40,046
"There ain't no blowjobs up there."

640
00:30:41,631 --> 00:30:45,802
"There's a lot of long-winded stories
without an ending on that mountain."

641
00:30:46,636 --> 00:30:50,682
"And you gotta
go to bed at the same time."

642
00:30:57,188 --> 00:30:59,190
So I was at this gender reveal party.

643
00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:01,526
[crowd laughing]

644
00:31:01,609 --> 00:31:03,403
And I'm with all my friends
who are married.

645
00:31:03,486 --> 00:31:06,239
They're happy.
They do that same married dude thing.

646
00:31:06,322 --> 00:31:08,867
"No, don't do it.
I was crushing on Tinder."

647
00:31:08,950 --> 00:31:10,243
And I know they're happy.

648
00:31:11,286 --> 00:31:13,913
But they're all, like…
They seem like they've,

649
00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:16,583
not settled, but they're
happy where they are.

650
00:31:16,666 --> 00:31:18,710
They're with a partner,
and they see good and bad,

651
00:31:18,793 --> 00:31:20,086
and then they go with it.

652
00:31:20,587 --> 00:31:22,088
I don't go with it. That's the problem.

653
00:31:22,171 --> 00:31:26,968
When you're 37 and single, you have this,
like, luxury of looking ahead.

654
00:31:27,468 --> 00:31:30,096
And it works against you.
Like, the dating apps.

655
00:31:30,179 --> 00:31:34,100
I… I'm like the Google generation.
We Google everything before we go.

656
00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:37,520
We Google the restaurant, make sure
everything on the restaurant's menu

657
00:31:37,604 --> 00:31:40,023
is amazing and wonderful and up our alley.

658
00:31:40,106 --> 00:31:42,609
We have no experiences
that are below good.

659
00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:45,695
When you walk somewhere,
you Google map the walk,

660
00:31:45,778 --> 00:31:47,655
even if you've done it 1,000 times.

661
00:31:48,364 --> 00:31:50,408
"I'll get to 10K my way."

662
00:31:50,491 --> 00:31:52,493
[crowd laughing]

663
00:31:54,996 --> 00:31:57,040
And now I'm doing that with people.

664
00:31:57,123 --> 00:31:59,208
I think about this. I should go to a bar.

665
00:31:59,292 --> 00:32:02,003
I'm talking to this woman.
She's beautiful, smart, wonderful, funny.

666
00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:05,423
Suddenly she's like, "I gotta go."
I'm like, "I didn't get your number."

667
00:32:05,506 --> 00:32:08,384
And she gives me her number.
I'm like, "What's your name?"

668
00:32:08,468 --> 00:32:10,011
And she's like, "I'm Darlene."

669
00:32:10,094 --> 00:32:12,722
[crowd laughing]

670
00:32:15,308 --> 00:32:18,478
I'd be like, "Holy shit,
I'm about to go down on a Darlene."

671
00:32:20,521 --> 00:32:22,231
"I hope it tastes like pot roast."

672
00:32:22,315 --> 00:32:23,983
[crowd laughing]

673
00:32:32,575 --> 00:32:35,119
I like the way you guys got
when I said "gender reveal party."

674
00:32:35,203 --> 00:32:37,997
You immediately--
I could hear your assholes clench up.

675
00:32:38,081 --> 00:32:40,166
[crowd laughing]

676
00:32:40,249 --> 00:32:41,876
[Jared chuckling]

677
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,920
That's my most 37-year-old opinion.

678
00:32:44,003 --> 00:32:45,797
I love gender reveal parties.

679
00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:48,216
And I'm very 37.

680
00:32:48,299 --> 00:32:50,551
I don't relate to
any of the non-37-year-olds.

681
00:32:50,635 --> 00:32:54,097
I… I don't relate to the 37-year-olds.
My college friends, I talk to them.

682
00:32:54,180 --> 00:32:56,557
It's as…
it's as weird as the Dua Lipa joke.

683
00:32:57,642 --> 00:32:59,894
I'll be looking them in the eyes,
they'll be like,

684
00:33:00,937 --> 00:33:03,523
"I love the lighting in a Chase Bank."
And I'm like…

685
00:33:03,606 --> 00:33:05,608
[crowd laughing]

686
00:33:06,943 --> 00:33:07,819
[Jared chuckling]

687
00:33:07,902 --> 00:33:10,905
But I'm also not trying
to be younger than I am. I'm very 37.

688
00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:14,617
If I'm at a bar, and I'm drinking,
and I see a DJ start setting up…

689
00:33:14,701 --> 00:33:17,954
[crowd laughing]

690
00:33:18,037 --> 00:33:21,374
I react like a storm cloud
is approaching the beach.

691
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:24,752
I'm like, "Pack it up.
Let's go. We gotta go!"

692
00:33:25,253 --> 00:33:28,006
"Leave your phone.
He's white. It's EDM. We gotta go!"

693
00:33:36,848 --> 00:33:39,684
I love gender reveal.
I think it's a great idea.

694
00:33:39,767 --> 00:33:41,019
I… I've aged into it.

695
00:33:41,102 --> 00:33:44,439
Uh, listen, what… what parties
are there left at this age?

696
00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:46,357
[crowd laughing]

697
00:33:46,441 --> 00:33:48,317
What, your birthday? Grow up.

698
00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:52,697
Your new kitchen,
the backsplash? Fuck off.

699
00:33:53,823 --> 00:33:56,784
Think of the premise.
If my friend called me, was like,

700
00:33:56,868 --> 00:34:00,580
"Hey, wanna come over, get fucked up,
see my life take a new direction?"

701
00:34:00,663 --> 00:34:02,040
[crowd chuckling]

702
00:34:02,123 --> 00:34:02,957
"Yes, I do."

703
00:34:04,292 --> 00:34:07,128
I don't care what the direction is.
I want more reveal parties in general.

704
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:11,090
"Hey, wanna come over, get fucked up,
and see if I have diarrhea or not?"

705
00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:12,425
[crowd laughing]

706
00:34:13,885 --> 00:34:16,012
I think there should be
pronoun reveal parties.

707
00:34:16,095 --> 00:34:17,764
[crowd murmuring]

708
00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:20,433
Look at 'em. So progressive,
you don't know how to fucking react.

709
00:34:20,516 --> 00:34:21,934
[crowd laughing]

710
00:34:22,018 --> 00:34:24,145
The pronoun discussion
always goes negative.

711
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:25,229
No one makes it positive.

712
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:29,192
How great would that be? "Holy shit.
They/them. Never would've thought."

713
00:34:29,275 --> 00:34:31,277
[crowd laughing]

714
00:34:35,948 --> 00:34:38,493
Something about this
tells me I should move to the suburbs.

715
00:34:38,576 --> 00:34:40,495
I'm so jealous of the suburbs people.

716
00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:42,080
Don't they have the best mindset?

717
00:34:42,163 --> 00:34:44,832
Like, in cities, we have to deal
with new things every week.

718
00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:48,252
New things. Everything's problematic.
Everything we gotta talk about.

719
00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:50,129
"The rats have anxiety now."

720
00:34:53,591 --> 00:34:55,676
I wanna be as socially removed

721
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:59,222
as a woman with a six-month-old child
living in the suburbs. Is there…

722
00:34:59,722 --> 00:35:02,391
Is there anyone that knows
what's going on less than her?

723
00:35:03,226 --> 00:35:04,811
Look at her Instagram bio.

724
00:35:04,894 --> 00:35:07,313
It's always the same.
"Mother to an angel."

725
00:35:07,396 --> 00:35:08,439
[crowd laughing]

726
00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:09,816
"Wife to a prince."

727
00:35:10,900 --> 00:35:12,860
"Lover of Jesus and wine."

728
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:18,616
That woman knows there's a sickness
killing hundreds of thousands of people?

729
00:35:18,699 --> 00:35:21,410
Her kid is named Raisin.
She has no fucking clue.

730
00:35:21,494 --> 00:35:22,870
[crowd laughing]

731
00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:24,080
"What is going on?"

732
00:35:24,163 --> 00:35:26,874
She's living in mental Tahiti.
I wish I was her.

733
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:29,335
You ever see a city woman's Instagram bio?

734
00:35:29,418 --> 00:35:30,545
Different vibe.

735
00:35:31,546 --> 00:35:33,631
City women Instagram bios
are screaming at you.

736
00:35:33,714 --> 00:35:37,635
They're like, "We have to help
this community now!"

737
00:35:37,718 --> 00:35:39,720
[crowd laughing]

738
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:41,639
[Jared chuckling]

739
00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:44,684
This woman's a highway away,
like, "I love a cab."

740
00:35:48,729 --> 00:35:50,898
They're just living easier mentally.

741
00:35:53,943 --> 00:35:56,028
I… I gotta have a gender reveal party.

742
00:35:56,112 --> 00:35:59,574
I can tell, people don't like them.
I can tell, you don't like them.

743
00:35:59,657 --> 00:36:01,868
I can see it.
You're very city. I can feel it.

744
00:36:02,368 --> 00:36:04,829
But I would argue
you don't hate a gender reveal party.

745
00:36:04,912 --> 00:36:07,331
That's stupid to hate a party.
That's like hating this stool.

746
00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:10,334
You hate the people who throw them.

747
00:36:12,086 --> 00:36:13,296
That I would agree.

748
00:36:13,379 --> 00:36:14,839
[crowd laughing]

749
00:36:14,922 --> 00:36:18,092
The people who throw them are
the least creative people in our country.

750
00:36:19,135 --> 00:36:20,511
It's a very specific group.

751
00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:22,930
The "Live, Laugh, Love"
section of the country…

752
00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:26,601
has taken ownership of a great party idea

753
00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:29,562
and they've ruined it
with zero creativity whatsoever.

754
00:36:29,645 --> 00:36:32,064
They saw cake, pink or blue?
"That's not enough."

755
00:36:32,148 --> 00:36:34,025
"I'm gonna take a Molotov cocktail."

756
00:36:34,108 --> 00:36:35,651
[crowd laughing]

757
00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:39,906
"And I'm gonna throw it at the woods.
Fuck you, California. Having a baby."

758
00:36:43,868 --> 00:36:46,871
That's not a creative.
That's an asshole. I am an artist.

759
00:36:48,998 --> 00:36:49,916
I'm an artist.

760
00:36:50,416 --> 00:36:52,168
-[woman scoffing]
-[Jared chuckling]

761
00:36:52,251 --> 00:36:55,338
[crowd laughing]

762
00:36:55,421 --> 00:36:58,799
I do realize it would be sad
for someone new to walk in right now.

763
00:36:58,883 --> 00:37:01,844
Me yelling at 300 people
next to a Chipotle…

764
00:37:04,055 --> 00:37:05,723
that I'm an artist, but I am.

765
00:37:06,474 --> 00:37:09,352
My gender reveal party would be creative.
I would have all my friends over.

766
00:37:09,435 --> 00:37:11,604
You've met my friends
without ever having met them.

767
00:37:11,687 --> 00:37:13,481
You've met versions of my friends.

768
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:16,275
My friends are
super alpha competitive douchebags.

769
00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:22,031
You've matched with all of my friends
on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, all of them.

770
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:23,866
They're a shade under 5'8".

771
00:37:23,950 --> 00:37:26,327
[crowd laughing]

772
00:37:26,410 --> 00:37:29,538
They went to a state school, but bragged
they went to business school,

773
00:37:29,622 --> 00:37:31,082
as if you're blown away.

774
00:37:32,458 --> 00:37:35,753
As if you're like,
"Oh my God. Indiana Business. Whoa!"

775
00:37:35,836 --> 00:37:38,339
[crowd laughing]

776
00:37:39,423 --> 00:37:40,591
[woman whooping]

777
00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:43,636
I'd have all the food, all the booze.
They could choose a T-shirt.

778
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:45,763
Some would have penises,
some vaginas on them.

779
00:37:45,846 --> 00:37:48,140
That would be their team
for the rest of the day.

780
00:37:48,641 --> 00:37:52,520
And then they compete in events. Chess,
checkers, ping-pong, 3-on-3 basketball.

781
00:37:53,354 --> 00:37:57,149
They'd get into it. Women on penis team
would be like, "Come on, cocks!"

782
00:37:58,150 --> 00:38:00,820
The man on the vagina team
would only eat the tacos.

783
00:38:01,779 --> 00:38:03,948
Licking them from the middle,
eyeballing you.

784
00:38:04,031 --> 00:38:05,533
[crowd laughing]

785
00:38:05,616 --> 00:38:07,743
I told you they're douchebags. I told you.

786
00:38:08,244 --> 00:38:10,830
And if it got close,
the final event will be a climbing event.

787
00:38:10,913 --> 00:38:14,417
One representative from each team
would climb this Aggro Crag mountain.

788
00:38:15,209 --> 00:38:18,337
And whoever got to the top first
would get to read the big reveal.

789
00:38:19,005 --> 00:38:21,382
The gender of my child.

790
00:38:22,258 --> 00:38:26,178
And by that point, everyone would be
so drunk, so fucked up, they'd be like,

791
00:38:26,262 --> 00:38:27,138
"Read it!"

792
00:38:27,221 --> 00:38:29,223
[crowd laughing]

793
00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:30,683
Some woman, she'd be hammered.

794
00:38:30,766 --> 00:38:33,477
She'd stagger over from the bar,
she'd be like, "Come on."

795
00:38:33,561 --> 00:38:35,563
[crowd laughing]

796
00:38:36,188 --> 00:38:37,815
"Cock or clit?"

797
00:38:37,898 --> 00:38:41,777
[crowd laughing raucously]

798
00:38:41,861 --> 00:38:45,197
And whoever got there first,
they'd be all out of breath… [panting]

799
00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:47,783
"The baby…

800
00:38:48,868 --> 00:38:51,245
is whatever gender they choose."

801
00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:53,122
[crowd laughing]

802
00:38:53,205 --> 00:38:55,708
"Everyone here should be
ashamed of themselves."

803
00:38:57,001 --> 00:38:58,711
"Today's events have been filmed."

804
00:39:00,129 --> 00:39:02,381
"A copy is being sent to your boss."

805
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:06,385
"We'll be offering
sensitivity training after the party."

806
00:39:06,886 --> 00:39:08,554
"If you think you don't need it,

807
00:39:08,637 --> 00:39:11,515
why didn't you choose
the blank T-shirt that was offered?"

808
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:15,519
"Or eat the gender-neutral foods,
like the turkey sandwich?"

809
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,315
"We just want a better future for them!"

810
00:39:20,316 --> 00:39:22,651
"Also, just kidding. We aborted."

811
00:39:22,735 --> 00:39:25,154
[crowd laughing raucously]

812
00:39:25,237 --> 00:39:28,741
[crowd cheering]

813
00:39:36,165 --> 00:39:37,917
I told you. I'm a creative.

814
00:39:39,043 --> 00:39:42,546
What's more creative than a gender
reveal party that ends with no baby?

815
00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:43,589
[crowd laughing]

816
00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:45,800
My wife's on top of the crag,
chugging a beer.

817
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:48,052
She pulls a pillow out
from under her dress.

818
00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:50,971
She's like, "We got you, motherfuckers!"

819
00:39:51,055 --> 00:39:51,972
[crowd laughing]

820
00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:54,016
Your friends are like,
"How was the party?"

821
00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:56,352
"You're not gonna fucking believe this."

822
00:39:57,978 --> 00:39:59,188
"There is no baby."

823
00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:01,607
"I got a new T-shirt

824
00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:04,151
and a fantastic workout."

825
00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:09,198
I like that joke.

826
00:40:09,281 --> 00:40:11,992
[crowd laughing]

827
00:40:12,076 --> 00:40:15,746
The only way it works
is if we all share the very similar fear

828
00:40:16,247 --> 00:40:18,833
is that we can go to a friend's party,
the lights turn on,

829
00:40:18,916 --> 00:40:21,043
and someone be like,
"You're canceled, bitch."

830
00:40:22,044 --> 00:40:23,879
Isn't that crazy
that we all have the same fear,

831
00:40:23,963 --> 00:40:25,923
that we could be canceled by a friend?

832
00:40:26,006 --> 00:40:28,342
To laugh at something so stupid?

833
00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:30,970
I'm here tonight to tell you not to worry.

834
00:40:31,053 --> 00:40:33,180
No one in this room will ever be canceled.

835
00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:34,265
[woman whooping]

836
00:40:34,348 --> 00:40:35,766
One person believes me.

837
00:40:35,850 --> 00:40:37,560
[crowd laughing]

838
00:40:37,643 --> 00:40:39,228
We're good. No one here.

839
00:40:39,311 --> 00:40:41,522
Only successful people get canceled.

840
00:40:41,605 --> 00:40:43,607
[crowd laughing]

841
00:40:46,819 --> 00:40:48,529
What would they take from us?

842
00:40:50,614 --> 00:40:51,615
Your Kohl's Cash?

843
00:40:55,411 --> 00:40:57,580
Your Spirit Airlines points?

844
00:40:58,581 --> 00:41:02,001
Cancelling is when us normals take
the successfuls down from the heavens

845
00:41:02,084 --> 00:41:03,878
and make them live our lives.

846
00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:07,423
Your life is the most horrific thing
that could ever happen

847
00:41:08,132 --> 00:41:09,675
to Kim Kardashian.

848
00:41:09,758 --> 00:41:11,093
[crowd laughing]

849
00:41:11,177 --> 00:41:13,721
She'd be like, "Fly commercial now!"

850
00:41:14,472 --> 00:41:16,432
"The cheapest Uber, please!"

851
00:41:18,058 --> 00:41:19,977
[Jared chuckling]

852
00:41:20,060 --> 00:41:22,563
People get weird
when they're not gonna get canceled.

853
00:41:22,646 --> 00:41:26,108
I've thought about it.
What's the worst thing I've ever done?

854
00:41:27,026 --> 00:41:28,944
What would get me canceled?

855
00:41:29,028 --> 00:41:30,112
About two years ago…

856
00:41:30,196 --> 00:41:32,031
[crowd laughing]

857
00:41:32,114 --> 00:41:34,825
…I masturbated
at a hotel in Richmond, Virginia.

858
00:41:36,827 --> 00:41:38,329
Okay, some of you… [chuckling]

859
00:41:38,412 --> 00:41:39,455
[crowd laughing]

860
00:41:39,538 --> 00:41:40,831
It wasn't the lobby.

861
00:41:42,750 --> 00:41:46,170
They weren't like, "Checking in?" "Yeah,
let me get my credit ca--" [shouting]

862
00:41:46,253 --> 00:41:48,255
[crowd laughing]

863
00:41:49,215 --> 00:41:50,466
It was in my room.

864
00:41:50,549 --> 00:41:52,009
And when I came to,

865
00:41:53,010 --> 00:41:55,054
I realized the curtains were wide-open.

866
00:41:55,137 --> 00:41:56,764
Other rooms could see into my room.

867
00:41:56,847 --> 00:42:00,559
I got anxious. What if someone saw,
pulled out their phone, started taping?

868
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:03,604
Who would report on such a story?

869
00:42:03,687 --> 00:42:06,023
[crowd laughing]

870
00:42:06,106 --> 00:42:09,193
What group is mobilized
to cancel me from that story?

871
00:42:09,276 --> 00:42:12,112
What's even the headline?
"Little-known comedian…

872
00:42:13,781 --> 00:42:15,491
sweats from masturbation."

873
00:42:16,742 --> 00:42:19,954
"So out of shape, his Apple Watch
asked if he went for a walk."

874
00:42:20,037 --> 00:42:22,039
[crowd laughing]

875
00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:30,089
This isn't me saying I like cancellation.
I hate when it happens to millennials.

876
00:42:30,172 --> 00:42:31,090
I'm a millennial.

877
00:42:31,173 --> 00:42:33,509
If you're a millennial,
I'm sure you hate it too.

878
00:42:33,592 --> 00:42:35,803
'Cause millennials, we got fucked.

879
00:42:35,886 --> 00:42:37,471
[crowd chuckling]

880
00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:40,474
Editor for Teen Vogue,
she's right around my age, okay?

881
00:42:40,558 --> 00:42:43,727
She had old tweets come out.
She got fired from Teen Vogue

882
00:42:43,811 --> 00:42:45,896
because old tweets
were found by Gen Z kids.

883
00:42:45,980 --> 00:42:47,690
Gen Z canceling millennial?

884
00:42:47,773 --> 00:42:48,607
Fuck off.

885
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:50,568
[crowd laughing]

886
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:53,654
That's not fair. Gen Z
was brought up with this future in mind.

887
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:56,824
Their whole lives, "Don't tweet,
don't post, don't take the picture."

888
00:42:56,907 --> 00:42:59,034
I think that was a nursery rhyme for them.

889
00:42:59,118 --> 00:43:01,120
[crowd laughing]

890
00:43:01,662 --> 00:43:05,165
I was in college taking a shit
off the second-floor landing…

891
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:07,501
of my fraternity.

892
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,504
Looking at my buddy,
being like, "Take a picture!"

893
00:43:10,588 --> 00:43:12,590
[crowd laughing]

894
00:43:13,841 --> 00:43:16,343
"Yeah, post it on Facebook!"

895
00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:18,971
"This is hilarious."

896
00:43:19,054 --> 00:43:21,890
"Wait 'till the shit comes out.
Tag it as my ex."

897
00:43:21,974 --> 00:43:24,810
[crowd laughing raucously]

898
00:43:24,893 --> 00:43:25,978
We weren't warned.

899
00:43:26,061 --> 00:43:28,981
Millennial warnings
have aged so fucking badly.

900
00:43:29,064 --> 00:43:30,774
"Don't get in a stranger's van."

901
00:43:32,651 --> 00:43:34,320
You know how I got here tonight?

902
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:37,990
A stranger's fucking van.

903
00:43:38,532 --> 00:43:39,783
I even ate the candy.

904
00:43:39,867 --> 00:43:41,160
[crowd laughing]

905
00:43:43,412 --> 00:43:46,749
The most annoying thing that was said
to me at the gender reveal party…

906
00:43:46,832 --> 00:43:49,335
[crowd chuckling]

907
00:43:50,836 --> 00:43:54,256
I had one friend that told me,
and I hate this advice.

908
00:43:54,340 --> 00:43:55,841
"You gotta love yourself…

909
00:43:58,260 --> 00:44:00,262
before you can love someone else."

910
00:44:01,555 --> 00:44:04,516
That is the biggest, hottest garbage take.

911
00:44:06,143 --> 00:44:09,104
All these people
in relationships love themselves?

912
00:44:09,188 --> 00:44:11,190
[crowd laughing]

913
00:44:12,149 --> 00:44:13,901
Have they looked at themselves?

914
00:44:15,569 --> 00:44:17,071
They love themselves.

915
00:44:17,154 --> 00:44:18,489
I'm not getting there.

916
00:44:19,531 --> 00:44:20,991
I don't know about you.

917
00:44:21,533 --> 00:44:23,160
Like, I love myself 100%.

918
00:44:24,828 --> 00:44:27,539
Boy, this crowd feels like
they really love themselves.

919
00:44:27,623 --> 00:44:29,291
[crowd laughing]

920
00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:33,921
I've been trying to lose
ten pounds my whole life.

921
00:44:35,464 --> 00:44:38,050
If you laughed at that,
we're immediately connected.

922
00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:42,596
If you didn't laugh at that, I don't know
what you think about on a daily basis.

923
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:44,348
[crowd laughing]

924
00:44:44,431 --> 00:44:47,476
True story. I was born on a Thursday.
Then Friday, I look at my mom,

925
00:44:47,559 --> 00:44:49,728
and I was like, "Okay, we start Monday."

926
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:51,814
[crowd laughing]

927
00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:57,820
"It's enough of the titty milk.
We gotta have one…

928
00:44:58,362 --> 00:45:01,156
one more fun weekend,
then we gotta get out of the stroller,

929
00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:02,991
we gotta be more active."

930
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,077
[crowd laughing]

931
00:45:07,246 --> 00:45:09,832
And I know I look fine. I know that, like,

932
00:45:09,915 --> 00:45:12,918
there's a guy in here
where I'm his goal weight. I know.

933
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:16,088
[Jared chuckling]

934
00:45:16,171 --> 00:45:17,381
He's looking at me like,

935
00:45:17,464 --> 00:45:20,467
"Ugh, I looked like
a high school wrestling coach."

936
00:45:20,968 --> 00:45:22,970
[crowd laughing]

937
00:45:27,433 --> 00:45:28,767
I understand that.

938
00:45:30,978 --> 00:45:33,689
But everyone here has body issues.
We all did the same thing tonight.

939
00:45:33,772 --> 00:45:36,275
All of us got dressed the same way.
We put on a shirt,

940
00:45:36,358 --> 00:45:40,028
looked in the mirror while standing
in a way we have never stood before.

941
00:45:40,779 --> 00:45:43,365
I put this shirt on.
I was like, "Whoa, you're ready, man."

942
00:45:43,866 --> 00:45:45,242
[crowd laughing]

943
00:45:45,325 --> 00:45:47,286
"Look at that. Flat stomach, no neck."

944
00:45:48,787 --> 00:45:51,915
"Ears touching shoulders.
That's how you stand all the time."

945
00:45:51,999 --> 00:45:54,001
[crowd laughing]

946
00:45:56,712 --> 00:45:59,047
I… I know what to eat,
but I'll never eat healthy.

947
00:45:59,131 --> 00:46:01,467
I just know that.
Like, I… I'll never be healthy.

948
00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:03,927
I hate healthy people.
I think they're annoying.

949
00:46:05,137 --> 00:46:08,098
Right? And there's no straight male
support for losing weight.

950
00:46:08,182 --> 00:46:09,141
No one cares.

951
00:46:10,350 --> 00:46:13,479
Right? There's no forums.
There's no websites or community.

952
00:46:13,562 --> 00:46:16,231
I went on Reddit.
They're not very nice there.

953
00:46:16,315 --> 00:46:17,941
[crowd laughing]

954
00:46:18,025 --> 00:46:20,944
I told my brother I felt fat.
He laughed right in my face.

955
00:46:21,612 --> 00:46:24,740
If a woman says she feels fat,
a prayer group opens up.

956
00:46:26,074 --> 00:46:29,536
Go look outside of a Lululemon.
You'll see women just… [vocalizing]

957
00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:33,707
A woman could go to the woods
and be like, "I feel fat."

958
00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:35,375
All her friends would show up.

959
00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:37,795
If I went to the woods,
like, "I feel fat,"

960
00:46:37,878 --> 00:46:40,672
one of my buddies would pop out,
be like, "And you got titties."

961
00:46:40,756 --> 00:46:42,758
[crowd laughing]

962
00:46:45,427 --> 00:46:48,222
I'll never be a healthy person.
They look ridiculous.

963
00:46:48,305 --> 00:46:51,308
The… the big water bottle people
can go fuck themselves.

964
00:46:52,392 --> 00:46:54,853
Those are the judgiest
monsters I've ever seen.

965
00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:57,940
Doesn't it feel like you could
never drink as much water as them?

966
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:01,652
They pull up casually. They're like,
"Oh, you don't hydrate? You're just…"

967
00:47:03,654 --> 00:47:06,198
"You're just a fat
piece of shit pig loser?"

968
00:47:07,115 --> 00:47:09,493
"You gotta hydrate.
Look at us the times of the day."

969
00:47:09,576 --> 00:47:12,287
"9:00 a.m., I'm better than you.
10:00 a.m., I'm better than you."

970
00:47:12,371 --> 00:47:15,666
"11:01, I pee. 11:02, I pee.
11:03, I pee. 11:04, I pee."

971
00:47:17,543 --> 00:47:20,963
It's the casual nature of a very
not casual bottle that bothers me.

972
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:24,550
They pull up like it's nothing.
"Yeah, just got back from Tulum."

973
00:47:24,633 --> 00:47:28,220
"They didn't even make me check it.
It's my emotional support hydro flask."

974
00:47:28,303 --> 00:47:30,138
[crowd laughing]

975
00:47:30,222 --> 00:47:34,893
This… they bought this because something
bad happened in their lives.

976
00:47:35,561 --> 00:47:37,354
This was bought instead of therapy.

977
00:47:37,437 --> 00:47:40,274
This is what's going on.
And they never admit to that.

978
00:47:40,357 --> 00:47:42,067
I met my friend. She was dragging it.

979
00:47:42,150 --> 00:47:44,570
I thought she won the Stanley Cup.
She was like, "Hi!"

980
00:47:44,653 --> 00:47:46,405
[crowd laughing]

981
00:47:46,488 --> 00:47:47,614
"Hey!"

982
00:47:50,158 --> 00:47:51,702
Just explain it. Just tell me.

983
00:47:51,785 --> 00:47:54,496
"Hey, I called my boss 'Mom' by accident."

984
00:47:54,580 --> 00:47:56,748
[crowd laughing]

985
00:47:56,832 --> 00:47:59,418
"I bought this on Amazon just in case."

986
00:48:01,336 --> 00:48:03,755
Like, "Hey,
I slept over at a guy's place."

987
00:48:03,839 --> 00:48:06,550
"I tried to fart, a little doody came out,
so I bought this."

988
00:48:06,633 --> 00:48:08,635
[crowd laughing]

989
00:48:13,056 --> 00:48:14,683
I'm a drinker. That's a big issue.

990
00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:18,478
I'm a big drinker. I… I used to black out.
Anybody a blackout person?

991
00:48:18,562 --> 00:48:19,438
[crowd cheering]

992
00:48:19,521 --> 00:48:23,191
Okay. Some of you are sitting
with someone. Like, "You gonna speak up?"

993
00:48:23,275 --> 00:48:25,068
[crowd laughing]

994
00:48:26,904 --> 00:48:30,198
I used to blackout. Now I drink less
so I brownout. Do we know the difference?

995
00:48:30,949 --> 00:48:32,910
Blackout, you wake up
and remember nothing.

996
00:48:32,993 --> 00:48:35,954
Brownout, you remember
little things throughout the day.

997
00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:37,581
Much fucking worse.

998
00:48:37,664 --> 00:48:39,082
[crowd laughing]

999
00:48:39,166 --> 00:48:41,501
'Cause those memories are coming.
You don't know when.

1000
00:48:42,002 --> 00:48:45,422
It'll be the next day, ordering lunch,
"I'll have a chicken-- Fuck."

1001
00:48:47,799 --> 00:48:50,552
"Oh God.
I said the word 'vivacious' last night."

1002
00:48:50,636 --> 00:48:52,804
[crowd laughing]

1003
00:48:52,888 --> 00:48:55,015
"Did I tell a woman
I can pull off capris?"

1004
00:48:59,686 --> 00:49:02,064
I know what to eat. I just never eat it.

1005
00:49:03,148 --> 00:49:05,651
I can make any meal
healthy after I've eaten it.

1006
00:49:05,734 --> 00:49:07,361
[crowd laughing]

1007
00:49:07,444 --> 00:49:08,654
Ever market a meal to yourself?

1008
00:49:08,737 --> 00:49:11,406
I ate a whole pizza once,
the words came out of me.

1009
00:49:11,490 --> 00:49:13,533
I ate a whole pizza. I went, "Don't worry,

1010
00:49:14,034 --> 00:49:15,410
it was a thin crust."

1011
00:49:15,494 --> 00:49:17,287
[crowd laughing]

1012
00:49:18,914 --> 00:49:20,749
I can do that with any meal.

1013
00:49:21,249 --> 00:49:23,377
Milkshake? "Dairy's good."

1014
00:49:24,378 --> 00:49:26,213
Chicken fingers? "Protein."

1015
00:49:27,089 --> 00:49:29,257
Bottle of wine? "Great for the heart."

1016
00:49:30,008 --> 00:49:31,927
Line of Adderall? "I had to focus."

1017
00:49:33,762 --> 00:49:35,847
Look, I think everything
in Trader Joe's is healthy

1018
00:49:35,931 --> 00:49:37,641
just because it's at Trader Joe's.

1019
00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:42,020
There isn't one Trader Joe's item
I would believe to be unhealthy.

1020
00:49:42,521 --> 00:49:45,273
Trader Joe's could have
a lasagna pie cookie cake,

1021
00:49:46,817 --> 00:49:49,194
and I'd be holding it like,
"Wow. All natural."

1022
00:49:49,277 --> 00:49:51,196
[crowd laughing]

1023
00:49:51,697 --> 00:49:53,448
"Fucking TJ's did it again."

1024
00:49:54,908 --> 00:49:58,370
I switched from Reese's to Justin's,
and I thought I'd have abs.

1025
00:50:01,456 --> 00:50:03,792
Okay, that's a disposable income joke.

1026
00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:05,544
[crowd laughing]

1027
00:50:05,627 --> 00:50:08,005
If you understood that joke,
you have money. Good for you.

1028
00:50:09,756 --> 00:50:12,676
If you didn't get that joke,
good luck with the gas prices.

1029
00:50:12,759 --> 00:50:14,261
[crowd laughing]

1030
00:50:15,554 --> 00:50:17,681
My true addiction is nighttime eating.

1031
00:50:18,432 --> 00:50:22,144
It's a weird addiction because usually,
addictions don't get whooed.

1032
00:50:24,730 --> 00:50:28,150
Anything where, if you don't get it,
you become a different person,

1033
00:50:28,233 --> 00:50:29,568
that's an addiction to me.

1034
00:50:30,360 --> 00:50:33,905
Definitely addicted to nighttime eating.
Been doing it my whole life.

1035
00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:37,117
If you're a nighttime eater,
you've been doing the same things as me.

1036
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:38,410
Sneaking downstairs…

1037
00:50:39,995 --> 00:50:42,372
making a pu pu platter of every snack

1038
00:50:43,790 --> 00:50:44,750
in the house.

1039
00:50:44,833 --> 00:50:47,878
The weirdest combinations of foods.

1040
00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:50,547
Handful of Triscuits,
Cinnamon Toast Crunch,

1041
00:50:50,630 --> 00:50:53,258
dollop of hummus, one slice of cheese.

1042
00:50:53,341 --> 00:50:55,385
[crowd laughing]

1043
00:50:55,469 --> 00:50:58,180
And then you take that pu pu platter,
you bring it upstairs.

1044
00:50:58,263 --> 00:51:01,725
You're happy as can be.
Like a Sonic waitress, you're walking up.

1045
00:51:01,808 --> 00:51:04,102
[crowd laughing raucously]

1046
00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:05,437
You get in your room.

1047
00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:08,023
You go, "That's enough.
That's your snack. You're done."

1048
00:51:08,523 --> 00:51:11,359
And then you do that cycle
30 times throughout the night.

1049
00:51:12,444 --> 00:51:16,531
Right? Down the stairs,
pu pu platter, up the stairs, pep talk.

1050
00:51:16,615 --> 00:51:19,868
Down the stairs, pu pu platter,
up the stairs, pep talk.

1051
00:51:19,951 --> 00:51:22,287
You're like a mouse
sneaking around the house.

1052
00:51:22,788 --> 00:51:25,999
You're Fatatouille,
sneaking around all night long.

1053
00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:28,543
[crowd laughing]

1054
00:51:29,628 --> 00:51:33,632
I love talking about nighttime eating,
'cause I can see who's connecting with me.

1055
00:51:33,715 --> 00:51:36,343
I see the nighttime eaters.
I see it in your eyes.

1056
00:51:36,426 --> 00:51:38,595
We're connecting in a wild way.
I can feel it.

1057
00:51:38,678 --> 00:51:41,723
Because you do exactly what I do.
I can see it.

1058
00:51:41,807 --> 00:51:45,018
There's also some of you who don't
nighttime eat, and you're here too.

1059
00:51:45,102 --> 00:51:46,186
[crowd laughing]

1060
00:51:46,269 --> 00:51:47,729
We call you assholes.

1061
00:51:48,855 --> 00:51:52,234
Because you're the ones we're
sneaking around from. Isn't that sad?

1062
00:51:53,193 --> 00:51:56,780
Someone you love
can't trust you with who they really are?

1063
00:51:58,115 --> 00:52:02,035
I watched some of you poke your partner
in the most vulnerable spot on their body.

1064
00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:05,330
You're like,
"He's talking about you, you fat fuck!"

1065
00:52:08,083 --> 00:52:09,584
There's nothing more embarrassing

1066
00:52:09,668 --> 00:52:13,296
than getting caught by someone
when you're a nighttime eater.

1067
00:52:13,380 --> 00:52:15,715
Right? It's just you
in the glow of the fridge.

1068
00:52:15,799 --> 00:52:18,009
[crowd laughing raucously]

1069
00:52:18,718 --> 00:52:22,055
They ask you questions
that you don't have an answer for.

1070
00:52:22,556 --> 00:52:24,141
I was ten years old. My mom caught me.

1071
00:52:24,224 --> 00:52:26,935
She goes, "Didn't you eat dinner?"
I was like "You were there, bitch."

1072
00:52:27,018 --> 00:52:29,020
[crowd laughing]

1073
00:52:30,605 --> 00:52:34,234
She goes, "Why didn't you eat enough?"
"Maybe you didn't make enough!"

1074
00:52:35,235 --> 00:52:38,196
"I could have child services on the line
in two seconds." You wanna boogie?

1075
00:52:38,280 --> 00:52:40,282
[crowd laughing]

1076
00:52:41,575 --> 00:52:44,119
I didn't realize it was
an addiction until the pandemic.

1077
00:52:44,202 --> 00:52:46,746
I was staying with
my parents in Boca. Jews?

1078
00:52:46,830 --> 00:52:48,832
-And then--
-[crowd laughing raucously]

1079
00:52:49,624 --> 00:52:51,585
The Jews know Boca. I… [chuckling]

1080
00:52:52,210 --> 00:52:54,045
I love bringing up Boca during shows,

1081
00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:56,506
'cause Jews know it
right away in some places

1082
00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:58,633
and don't know it at all in other places.

1083
00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:01,636
I said that same thing
in Springfield, Missouri.

1084
00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:03,889
I go, "I was in Boca. Jews?"

1085
00:53:03,972 --> 00:53:06,433
And one guy in a cowboy hat
stood up and went,

1086
00:53:06,516 --> 00:53:08,476
"What the fuck is Boca?"

1087
00:53:08,977 --> 00:53:10,979
[crowd laughing raucously]

1088
00:53:14,274 --> 00:53:17,986
And I was like, "That's where
we control the weather from, sir."

1089
00:53:25,243 --> 00:53:28,455
I love going to Boca.
It's my favorite place in the world.

1090
00:53:28,538 --> 00:53:32,000
I love being around older Jewish women.
That's my favorite group.

1091
00:53:32,083 --> 00:53:33,251
[crowd laughing]

1092
00:53:33,335 --> 00:53:35,337
The best complainers in the world.

1093
00:53:36,338 --> 00:53:38,173
I've watched every Karen video.

1094
00:53:39,216 --> 00:53:41,218
I've watched every one.
You know, those Karen videos?

1095
00:53:41,301 --> 00:53:44,137
White, Midwestern ladies
yelling at Walmart employees.

1096
00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:48,099
After every single one,
I had the same thought, as a Jew.

1097
00:53:48,850 --> 00:53:50,018
Amateur hour.

1098
00:53:50,101 --> 00:53:52,103
[crowd laughing]

1099
00:53:54,648 --> 00:53:56,274
They were complaining at people.

1100
00:53:56,358 --> 00:53:59,236
That's not how Jews complain.
Jews complain at people they know,

1101
00:53:59,319 --> 00:54:02,405
and then above the treeline
of the people they don't know.

1102
00:54:03,114 --> 00:54:05,951
That's how my mom does it.
My mom once walked into a hotel.

1103
00:54:06,034 --> 00:54:10,163
I was in the lobby. She didn't see me.
She walks in. She goes, "Freezing!"

1104
00:54:10,247 --> 00:54:12,249
[crowd laughing]

1105
00:54:17,963 --> 00:54:22,008
And then my dad walked up beside her.
She goes, "You're wearing those pants!"

1106
00:54:23,468 --> 00:54:26,429
And then there was a line at check-in.
She goes, "The line!"

1107
00:54:27,639 --> 00:54:31,101
It was a complaint sniper
took out the whole fucking room.

1108
00:54:32,435 --> 00:54:36,564
It was like complaint Rambo
with a fire torch, like… [vocalizing]

1109
00:54:36,648 --> 00:54:39,317
I was hiding. I was like,
"I think she's out of ammo."

1110
00:54:39,985 --> 00:54:42,904
I got up. She's like, "You look heavy."
I was like, "Ow, got me!"

1111
00:54:42,988 --> 00:54:44,990
[crowd laughing]

1112
00:54:47,909 --> 00:54:50,870
I look to Jewish women in times of need.

1113
00:54:51,621 --> 00:54:54,040
I was at the Delta Sky Club at JFK.

1114
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:58,378
The people who like
the Justin's joke will understand.

1115
00:54:58,461 --> 00:55:00,463
[crowd laughing]

1116
00:55:01,089 --> 00:55:02,966
I'm at the Delta Sky Club at JFK.

1117
00:55:03,049 --> 00:55:06,720
There's an escalator that goes up to the
front desk at the Delta Sky Club at JFK.

1118
00:55:06,803 --> 00:55:09,431
I get up there at 6:00 a.m.
There's no one there. I get it.

1119
00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:13,435
They're short on staff, much like
all companies are short on staff.

1120
00:55:13,518 --> 00:55:17,522
I wait. 30 minutes later, me and 20
other people, everyone did the same thing.

1121
00:55:17,605 --> 00:55:21,401
They got up the escalator, saw nobody
was there, pulled off, waited politely.

1122
00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:23,278
All of a sudden…

1123
00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:30,243
Older Jewish woman comes up the escalator.
I saw her, legitimately thought to myself,

1124
00:55:30,827 --> 00:55:32,746
"Oh thank goodness."

1125
00:55:38,752 --> 00:55:39,961
She'll complain.

1126
00:55:40,045 --> 00:55:42,047
[crowd laughing]

1127
00:55:43,757 --> 00:55:46,009
I am not exaggerating even an ounce.

1128
00:55:46,092 --> 00:55:50,013
She got one step off the escalator,
she goes, "What's happening?!"

1129
00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:52,098
[crowd laughing]

1130
00:55:53,183 --> 00:55:55,226
That woman is my Batman.

1131
00:55:57,020 --> 00:55:59,689
That was like I took a flashlight,
shined it at the Moon.

1132
00:56:00,357 --> 00:56:02,442
There was an outline of a bagel and lox.

1133
00:56:03,693 --> 00:56:06,321
Karen Goldstein came surfing in

1134
00:56:07,364 --> 00:56:08,490
on matzah.

1135
00:56:09,407 --> 00:56:10,867
And she did the same thing as my mom.

1136
00:56:10,950 --> 00:56:15,038
Just went to complain. "What's happening?!
Who leaves the desk at this hour?!"

1137
00:56:15,121 --> 00:56:17,749
"How does someone
take a shit for this long?!"

1138
00:56:17,832 --> 00:56:20,168
And then she looks right at me.
She's like, "You look heavy!"

1139
00:56:20,251 --> 00:56:21,961
I was like, "Ow! Got me again. Fuck!"

1140
00:56:22,045 --> 00:56:24,047
[crowd laughing]

1141
00:56:29,135 --> 00:56:31,846
I never thought that story
would offend anyone.

1142
00:56:32,764 --> 00:56:36,393
And I told it in Washington, DC.
A woman stood up.

1143
00:56:37,018 --> 00:56:38,061
She goes,

1144
00:56:38,144 --> 00:56:40,146
"What about Greek women?"

1145
00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:42,232
[crowd laughing]

1146
00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:47,195
I was like, "What do you mean?"

1147
00:56:47,278 --> 00:56:49,697
She's like, "We're good complainers too!"

1148
00:56:49,781 --> 00:56:50,782
[crowd laughing]

1149
00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:57,288
And I go, "Well, you standing up
at a show and yelling at me

1150
00:56:57,372 --> 00:56:59,707
kind of throws your hat into the ring."

1151
00:57:01,292 --> 00:57:04,963
And she's right. Who am I to say that Jews
are the best complainers in the world?

1152
00:57:05,046 --> 00:57:07,924
We need to have an older woman
complaining Olympics.

1153
00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:11,136
Invite them all. We'll invite her yaya.

1154
00:57:12,429 --> 00:57:16,141
Your aunties, your tías, your nonnas.

1155
00:57:16,224 --> 00:57:19,394
Your bubbies.
We'll put them all in a hot restaurant.

1156
00:57:19,477 --> 00:57:21,646
[crowd laughing]

1157
00:57:23,565 --> 00:57:25,733
Whoever makes the hostess cry first…

1158
00:57:29,195 --> 00:57:30,155
wins.

1159
00:57:31,489 --> 00:57:34,451
I'm honestly interested. I wanna see
how women complain around the world.

1160
00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:37,704
I would love to see
how older women complain in every country.

1161
00:57:37,787 --> 00:57:40,957
I wanna have a travel show.
I wanna go country to country.

1162
00:57:41,458 --> 00:57:44,752
Don't you wonder? What does a German woman
complain about? What?

1163
00:57:45,253 --> 00:57:46,713
Probably Jews, but I…

1164
00:57:55,096 --> 00:57:57,307
So I was in Boca when I figured out

1165
00:57:58,099 --> 00:58:00,185
that I was addicted to nighttime eating.

1166
00:58:01,436 --> 00:58:04,397
'Cause I was staying with
my parents during the pandemic.

1167
00:58:04,481 --> 00:58:07,859
My parents have a house and
a separated pool house. We're very rich.

1168
00:58:07,942 --> 00:58:09,194
[crowd laughing]

1169
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:11,863
The rumors of my people are true.

1170
00:58:14,908 --> 00:58:17,285
So it's 2:00 a.m. I'm gonna do my thing.

1171
00:58:17,368 --> 00:58:20,413
Pu pu platter. Fatatouille.
Let's fucking go.

1172
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:21,414
[crowd laughing]

1173
00:58:21,498 --> 00:58:24,751
I go outside. I go to the house.
I go to the side door. Locked.

1174
00:58:24,834 --> 00:58:26,961
The front-door. Locked.
The back door. Locked.

1175
00:58:27,045 --> 00:58:29,255
Go back to the front door.
New code… [beeping]

1176
00:58:29,339 --> 00:58:30,465
Locked.

1177
00:58:30,548 --> 00:58:31,799
My first reaction was,

1178
00:58:31,883 --> 00:58:33,635
"That fucking bitch."

1179
00:58:37,222 --> 00:58:38,765
And I'm talking about my mom.

1180
00:58:40,141 --> 00:58:42,560
I love my mom.
I don't talk about her that way.

1181
00:58:42,644 --> 00:58:45,730
That's an addict.
I've become a different person.

1182
00:58:46,564 --> 00:58:48,274
Who's wrong in that scenario?

1183
00:58:48,358 --> 00:58:53,738
The woman who locked her doors,
or me, a half naked, 37-year-old man,

1184
00:58:53,821 --> 00:58:56,199
who is now storming the perimeter…

1185
00:58:58,284 --> 00:58:59,118
of a home?

1186
00:58:59,202 --> 00:59:01,496
It was January 6. I had the wolves hat on.

1187
00:59:02,497 --> 00:59:03,831
I had a lacrosse stick in my hand.

1188
00:59:03,915 --> 00:59:06,292
I'm like,
"Gimme that Pirate's Booty, motherfucker."

1189
00:59:07,126 --> 00:59:10,088
"Caramelized onion dip! Slice of cheese!"

1190
00:59:10,171 --> 00:59:12,090
[crowd laughing]

1191
00:59:19,430 --> 00:59:23,518
You might not be a nighttime eater,
but you're probably a drunk eater.

1192
00:59:25,228 --> 00:59:27,647
I'm even worse when I'm drunk.

1193
00:59:29,107 --> 00:59:32,485
I… I took six months off
of drinking 'cause I drunk eat.

1194
00:59:33,236 --> 00:59:35,321
That's the worst reason to stop drinking.

1195
00:59:36,197 --> 00:59:38,157
I can't go to AA with that story.

1196
00:59:38,241 --> 00:59:39,742
[crowd laughing]

1197
00:59:40,451 --> 00:59:43,413
AA, I imagine, they have amazing stories.
What would I say?

1198
00:59:43,496 --> 00:59:45,999
"Jared, what's your tale?"
"I get a little hungry."

1199
00:59:46,082 --> 00:59:48,084
[crowd laughing]

1200
00:59:51,254 --> 00:59:55,091
I'll never forget the worst I ever got
was Dallas, Texas. I got so fucked up.

1201
00:59:56,009 --> 00:59:57,176
So fucked up.

1202
00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:59,846
It was a show. Hot show.
I leave. I go to Postmates.

1203
00:59:59,929 --> 01:00:02,432
I don't care what delivery app you use.
I use Postmates.

1204
01:00:02,515 --> 01:00:06,394
All I need from my delivery app
is a cartoon vehicle that I can follow…

1205
01:00:08,062 --> 01:00:09,606
from restaurant to mouth.

1206
01:00:10,481 --> 01:00:12,775
That's when you know you have
an emotional issue with food,

1207
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:16,362
when that cartoon vehicle
holds your whole status within it.

1208
01:00:17,196 --> 01:00:20,742
Right? If it takes a wrong turn,
I'm sitting there, "No, no, no, no!"

1209
01:00:20,825 --> 01:00:22,285
[crowd laughing]

1210
01:00:22,368 --> 01:00:23,745
"No, no, no, no, no, no!"

1211
01:00:25,371 --> 01:00:27,582
I react-- If that takes a certain…

1212
01:00:27,665 --> 01:00:30,043
It's like bringing
my new heart for a transplant.

1213
01:00:30,126 --> 01:00:31,461
I am fucked up by that bike.

1214
01:00:32,211 --> 01:00:33,713
I'm watching the bike, the bike idles.

1215
01:00:33,796 --> 01:00:36,132
I get a text. "Your order's
been canceled by the restaurant."

1216
01:00:36,215 --> 01:00:37,842
-[crowd muttering]
-Appropriate response.

1217
01:00:37,925 --> 01:00:40,011
[crowd laughing]

1218
01:00:40,094 --> 01:00:42,555
I was distraught.
I was in the lobby of the hotel.

1219
01:00:42,639 --> 01:00:45,308
I'm like, "Fuck this.
Fucking garbage. Fucking town."

1220
01:00:45,391 --> 01:00:48,895
"Who the fuck-- This fucking restaurant."
All of a sudden, I'm outside.

1221
01:00:48,978 --> 01:00:50,355
I don't even know how I got there.

1222
01:00:50,438 --> 01:00:51,731
[crowd laughing]

1223
01:00:51,814 --> 01:00:54,400
I open up Google Maps.
There's a McDonald's .3 miles away.

1224
01:00:54,484 --> 01:00:56,486
I saw that, immediately started running.

1225
01:00:57,445 --> 01:01:00,198
I'm now running to get food.
Do we see how bad this has gotten?

1226
01:01:00,698 --> 01:01:02,659
I'm exercising to eat late night,

1227
01:01:02,742 --> 01:01:04,911
the sucking-dick-for-crack
of my addiction.

1228
01:01:04,994 --> 01:01:07,080
[crowd laughing]

1229
01:01:07,163 --> 01:01:08,623
I'm running towards the McDonald's.

1230
01:01:08,706 --> 01:01:11,876
The Golden Arches are coming at me.
There's a homeless woman outside.

1231
01:01:11,959 --> 01:01:13,753
She's freaking the fuck out.

1232
01:01:13,836 --> 01:01:17,465
She's going, "McDonald! Micky D!
McDonald! Micky D!"

1233
01:01:17,965 --> 01:01:19,801
She was like a homeless rooster.

1234
01:01:20,301 --> 01:01:21,594
[crowd laughing]

1235
01:01:21,678 --> 01:01:24,764
I'm not trying to minimize homelessness.
It's a huge issue in the whole country.

1236
01:01:24,847 --> 01:01:27,600
But I'm also not fixing it that night.

1237
01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:29,602
[crowd laughing]

1238
01:01:29,686 --> 01:01:32,897
'Cause I got close to her.
I juked the fuck out of her.

1239
01:01:34,524 --> 01:01:36,693
I broke that bitch's ankles. [chuckling]

1240
01:01:37,902 --> 01:01:40,697
I threw a quarter over my shoulder.
I was like, "Good luck!"

1241
01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:42,115
[crowd laughing]

1242
01:01:42,198 --> 01:01:44,992
I go to the side door
of the McDonald's. Locked.

1243
01:01:46,285 --> 01:01:47,495
I'm back in Boca.

1244
01:01:47,578 --> 01:01:48,621
[crowd laughing]

1245
01:01:48,705 --> 01:01:52,667
I freak out the homeless woman the same
way I did my mom. "That homeless bitch!"

1246
01:01:53,418 --> 01:01:56,129
And then I see
that the drive-thru is still operating.

1247
01:01:56,713 --> 01:01:59,841
I saw my reflection in the window
of that McDonald's that night.

1248
01:01:59,924 --> 01:02:02,510
I said, "Jared, you're
walking through the drive-thru."

1249
01:02:03,010 --> 01:02:05,638
I don't know who here
has walked through a drive-thru before.

1250
01:02:05,722 --> 01:02:06,556
[crowd whooping]

1251
01:02:06,639 --> 01:02:08,474
There are my alcoholics. Thank you.

1252
01:02:09,308 --> 01:02:12,395
Right. 'Cause You've never walked through
a drive-thru at a high point in life.

1253
01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:15,022
It's never, "Got my tie on.
Got my briefcase."

1254
01:02:16,524 --> 01:02:19,318
"Just gonna hoof it on through
for some Egg McMuffs

1255
01:02:19,402 --> 01:02:20,945
before the big promosh!"

1256
01:02:21,028 --> 01:02:23,030
[crowd laughing]

1257
01:02:24,365 --> 01:02:27,201
No. When you walk through
a drive-thru, you're fucked up.

1258
01:02:28,286 --> 01:02:31,789
I started doing weird stuff to fit in.
Making myself big. "Nothing to see here."

1259
01:02:31,873 --> 01:02:33,916
[crowd laughing raucously]

1260
01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:35,251
"Just a Mini Cooper."

1261
01:02:38,129 --> 01:02:40,214
The guy in front of me
looked in his rearview mirror.

1262
01:02:40,298 --> 01:02:41,883
I explained myself to him.

1263
01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:44,761
He couldn't even hear me.
I'm like, "The kids woke up."

1264
01:02:44,844 --> 01:02:46,763
"Getting 'em Happy Meals. I'm a cool dad!"

1265
01:02:46,846 --> 01:02:49,265
[crowd laughing]

1266
01:02:49,348 --> 01:02:52,018
So there's two speakers
that lead to one line.

1267
01:02:52,101 --> 01:02:53,519
We all understand the config.

1268
01:02:53,603 --> 01:02:55,271
I go to the outside speaker.

1269
01:02:55,354 --> 01:02:56,773
I go, "Hello!"

1270
01:02:57,857 --> 01:02:59,567
"McDonald's!"

1271
01:03:00,485 --> 01:03:01,652
No one's answering.

1272
01:03:01,736 --> 01:03:05,281
I'm so fucked up, I'm like,
"Maybe the sensors can't see me

1273
01:03:06,532 --> 01:03:08,242
'cause I'm not a Ford F-150."

1274
01:03:09,410 --> 01:03:11,245
So I back up to get big,

1275
01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:14,624
to trip off sensors
that I don't even know if they exist.

1276
01:03:15,124 --> 01:03:16,250
I just made them up.

1277
01:03:16,334 --> 01:03:19,796
And I'm not sure if they're in the sky
or the ground, so I'm going "Hello!"

1278
01:03:19,879 --> 01:03:21,547
[crowd laughing]

1279
01:03:22,340 --> 01:03:23,966
"McDonald's!"

1280
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:29,222
At this moment, the homeless woman
goes to the other speaker.

1281
01:03:31,098 --> 01:03:34,727
She starts screaming,
"McDonald! Micky D! McDonald! Micky D!"

1282
01:03:34,811 --> 01:03:36,145
So now we have a rooster

1283
01:03:37,271 --> 01:03:38,231
and an eagle.

1284
01:03:39,607 --> 01:03:41,108
I see her. I freak out.

1285
01:03:41,192 --> 01:03:43,319
I'm like, "Get the fuck outta here!"

1286
01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:46,781
"You're ruining everything!
They think you're crazy!"

1287
01:03:46,864 --> 01:03:48,991
[crowd laughing]

1288
01:03:49,075 --> 01:03:52,286
It's like, "You're crazy."
"No, no, no, Jared, we are now crazy."

1289
01:03:52,995 --> 01:03:55,248
People in McDonald's
looking out the window, like,

1290
01:03:55,331 --> 01:03:57,208
"Oh my God, there's two of them now."

1291
01:03:57,291 --> 01:03:58,251
[crowd laughing]

1292
01:03:58,334 --> 01:04:01,546
"Guys, there's a bum fight.
I… I… I think one's a newer bum."

1293
01:04:02,547 --> 01:04:05,591
"He looks like the coach
of the high school wrestling team."

1294
01:04:06,175 --> 01:04:10,179
"Is he Jewish? Oh my God, the pandemic's
been hard on everyone, apparently."

1295
01:04:10,263 --> 01:04:12,265
[crowd laughing]

1296
01:04:12,932 --> 01:04:15,560
So then I ran away. I ran away.

1297
01:04:15,643 --> 01:04:17,770
She chased me. I'm not exaggerating.

1298
01:04:18,396 --> 01:04:21,816
She's going, "Hey!"
I go, "Get the fuck away!"

1299
01:04:22,316 --> 01:04:23,943
She goes, "Hey!" I go, "What?"

1300
01:04:24,026 --> 01:04:25,361
She goes, "You look heavy."

1301
01:04:25,444 --> 01:04:26,696
"Ow! Got me again. Fuck!"

1302
01:04:26,779 --> 01:04:28,406
[crowd laughing]

1303
01:04:30,992 --> 01:04:33,369
I'm Jared Freid. Thank you guys so much.

1304
01:04:33,452 --> 01:04:35,454
[crowd cheering]

1305
01:04:40,001 --> 01:04:41,502
Thank you all for coming.

1306
01:04:41,586 --> 01:04:43,588
[funky music playing]

1307
01:04:45,882 --> 01:04:47,550
[Jared] Thank you, thank you, thank you.

1308
01:04:49,218 --> 01:04:50,511
[indistinct chatter]

1309
01:04:50,595 --> 01:04:52,138
Look at this dungy place.

1310
01:04:52,847 --> 01:04:53,848
Every place is that.

1311
01:04:53,931 --> 01:04:56,058
I wouldn't stay there
at The Standard anymore.

1312
01:04:56,142 --> 01:04:58,519
You don't like it there? Every hotel here?

1313
01:04:58,603 --> 01:05:01,022
This is another thing.
This is another thing.

1314
01:05:01,105 --> 01:05:03,274
It's crowd-- The line was so crazy.

1315
01:05:03,357 --> 01:05:05,359
I said,
"It's Christmastime. It's very busy."

1316
01:05:05,443 --> 01:05:08,487
-It's not Christmastime.
-Now he says it's not Christmastime.

1317
01:05:08,571 --> 01:05:11,741
-It's like, do you live on the beach?
-Right. On the beach.

1318
01:05:11,824 --> 01:05:14,660
Mommy thinks these people
are in New York because of Christmas.

1319
01:05:14,744 --> 01:05:16,329
-Yes.
-Not yet.

1320
01:05:16,412 --> 01:05:18,080
-[Jared] Times Square.
-Not yet.

1321
01:05:18,164 --> 01:05:20,666
He goes, "It's not Christmastime."

1322
01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:23,336
-When are the Rockettes here?
-They're here now.

1323
01:05:23,419 --> 01:05:25,087
I would've liked to have gone.

1324
01:05:25,171 --> 01:05:28,215
-It is. Well, that's the truth.
-Five-deep at Katz's.

1325
01:05:28,299 --> 01:05:32,053
"Do you want-- What kind of diet soda?"
"I don't care."

1326
01:05:33,346 --> 01:05:34,347
How simple is that?

1327
01:05:34,430 --> 01:05:37,642
This is why I brought you.
To keep my stress down.

1328
01:05:37,725 --> 01:05:39,685
She knows I like diet cherry.

1329
01:05:39,769 --> 01:05:43,230
I am waiting in line,
trying to order, and she's yelling,

1330
01:05:43,314 --> 01:05:45,775
"Have them melt some melted Muenster."

1331
01:05:45,858 --> 01:05:49,779
They put mustard in it. "No,
I want mayonnaise. Do my bread again."

1332
01:05:49,862 --> 01:05:54,075
You guys should go on stage and talk about
your Katz's experience to open up.

1333
01:05:54,158 --> 01:05:56,869
They never saw a show like Dad and I.

1334
01:05:56,953 --> 01:05:58,120
[indistinct chatter]

1335
01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:04,543
The proud parent.

1336
01:06:05,962 --> 01:06:07,880
Dad does something with his mouth.

1337
01:06:07,964 --> 01:06:09,924
-What does he do?
-Smile.

1338
01:06:10,007 --> 01:06:12,843
No, he laughs
while you take a picture. He goes…

1339
01:06:13,844 --> 01:06:15,054
He's not natural.

1340
01:06:15,137 --> 01:06:16,222
[Jared giggling]

1341
01:06:19,850 --> 01:06:22,436
-Jared, you took the worst ones.
-What am I supposed to do?

1342
01:06:22,520 --> 01:06:24,730
-[man] That's not what we look like.
-[Jared] That's not…

1343
01:06:24,814 --> 01:06:25,648
Yeah.

1344
01:06:25,731 --> 01:06:28,317
One more? Okay. Open your eyes.

1345
01:06:28,401 --> 01:06:30,236
-[man] I look extremely relaxed.
-Yeah.

1346
01:06:30,319 --> 01:06:33,698
I can't. Go do Dad. Dad looks good.

1347
01:06:33,781 --> 01:06:35,241
-Get rid of those.
-[Jared] Okay.

1348
01:06:35,324 --> 01:06:38,202
-What you doing?
-Yeah, I think the bachelors are coming.

1349
01:06:38,285 --> 01:06:39,412
[indistinct chatter]

1350
01:06:39,495 --> 01:06:40,329
Well, have fun.

1351
01:06:41,330 --> 01:06:43,708
-Do you want a beer?
-Here comes your makeup, Jared.

1352
01:06:43,791 --> 01:06:46,419
Bring a couple beers
in case someone comes back here.

1353
01:06:46,502 --> 01:06:47,336
Okay, cool.

1354
01:06:47,420 --> 01:06:50,131
-[Jared] That's good. Thank you.
-I told them make you look tan.

1355
01:07:04,395 --> 01:07:06,147
[music fades]