1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:31,548 --> 00:00:35,242 You met her on season 5 of RuPaul's Drag Race 4 00:00:35,242 --> 00:00:37,209 as a sleepy, neurotic queen 5 00:00:37,209 --> 00:00:39,591 who wouldn't shut up about ducks. 6 00:00:39,591 --> 00:00:42,180 You've seen her as the milky swamp witch 7 00:00:42,180 --> 00:00:46,011 skulking around the work room on All Stars 7. 8 00:00:46,011 --> 00:00:47,668 Now, get ready to see her 9 00:00:47,668 --> 00:00:49,670 like you've never seen her before. 10 00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:51,913 - Upright and conscious! 11 00:00:51,913 --> 00:00:55,503 Please welcome, Jinkx Monsoon! 12 00:01:22,530 --> 00:01:27,432 ♪ Baby 13 00:01:27,432 --> 00:01:32,299 ♪ I've been stompin' 'round 14 00:01:32,299 --> 00:01:36,648 ♪ In these heels for all the goddamn day 15 00:01:36,648 --> 00:01:37,959 ♪ I got 16 00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:43,033 ♪ Aches and annoyance from livin' to earn my pay 17 00:01:43,033 --> 00:01:46,140 ♪ And some peace and quiet from you 18 00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:49,626 ♪ Would really go a long way 19 00:01:49,626 --> 00:01:53,768 ♪ So ease it down 20 00:01:55,184 --> 00:01:57,738 ♪ You see, I'm tired 21 00:01:57,738 --> 00:01:59,395 ♪ I'm spent 22 00:01:59,395 --> 00:02:02,225 ♪ I'm really feelin' my age 23 00:02:02,225 --> 00:02:04,814 ♪ You know life is twice as hard 24 00:02:04,814 --> 00:02:08,680 ♪ When you're livin' half on the stage 25 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:14,893 ♪ And I barely have the energy to sing you this song 26 00:02:14,893 --> 00:02:18,828 ♪ So let's get some cartoons and vodka 27 00:02:18,828 --> 00:02:22,211 ♪ And do 'em all night long 28 00:02:22,211 --> 00:02:24,972 ♪ Ooh, boy 29 00:02:24,972 --> 00:02:28,286 ♪ Are you ready for some fun? 30 00:02:28,286 --> 00:02:33,153 ♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down 31 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,740 ♪ Ooh 32 00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:39,745 ♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down 33 00:02:39,745 --> 00:02:42,576 ♪ Ooh 34 00:02:42,576 --> 00:02:45,855 ♪ You can call me juvenile 35 00:02:45,855 --> 00:02:49,997 ♪ But I'm picky on how I spend my time 36 00:02:49,997 --> 00:02:51,136 ♪ Don't you know 37 00:02:51,136 --> 00:02:53,449 ♪ it takes two crates of makeup 38 00:02:53,449 --> 00:02:56,728 ♪ To go out lookin' this fine 39 00:02:56,728 --> 00:02:59,558 ♪ I don't work these nails to the bone 40 00:02:59,558 --> 00:03:02,803 ♪ To hear you squabble and whine 41 00:03:02,803 --> 00:03:06,082 ♪ So help me out 42 00:03:08,464 --> 00:03:10,880 ♪ You see, I'm hot 43 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:14,470 ♪ I'm wet and it's really not fair 44 00:03:14,470 --> 00:03:17,369 ♪ Takes more than a tall cool glass of you 45 00:03:17,369 --> 00:03:21,511 ♪ There, honey to bring me up for air 46 00:03:21,511 --> 00:03:25,032 ♪ And I've been too blown to rest these bones 47 00:03:25,032 --> 00:03:27,345 ♪ For a long country mile 48 00:03:27,345 --> 00:03:31,211 ♪ So let's get some cartoons and vodka 49 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,697 ♪ And put 'em on for a while 50 00:03:34,697 --> 00:03:37,251 ♪ Ooh, boy 51 00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:40,116 ♪ Gimme some of that smile 52 00:03:40,116 --> 00:03:44,810 ♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down 53 00:03:45,604 --> 00:03:46,950 ♪ Ooh 54 00:03:46,950 --> 00:03:51,679 ♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down 55 00:03:51,679 --> 00:03:53,578 ♪ Ooh 56 00:03:53,578 --> 00:03:56,097 Saint Syndrome on piano, everybody. 57 00:04:06,142 --> 00:04:11,906 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh 58 00:04:15,979 --> 00:04:18,361 ♪ Ooh-ho, boy! 59 00:04:18,361 --> 00:04:21,053 ♪ Are you ready for some fun? 60 00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:25,989 ♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down 61 00:04:25,989 --> 00:04:27,370 ♪ Ooh 62 00:04:27,370 --> 00:04:32,651 ♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down 63 00:04:32,651 --> 00:04:38,554 ♪ Ooh 64 00:04:50,220 --> 00:04:52,844 Hi, everyone. I'm Jinkx Monsoon. 65 00:05:03,061 --> 00:05:05,028 Oh! 66 00:05:05,028 --> 00:05:06,409 Thank you. 67 00:05:06,409 --> 00:05:08,515 Thank you so much. 68 00:05:16,039 --> 00:05:17,040 COVID! 69 00:05:18,076 --> 00:05:20,458 Okay, now that we got that out of the way. 70 00:05:21,735 --> 00:05:24,669 I feel like you have to address it, right? 71 00:05:24,669 --> 00:05:26,360 I didn't know how to bring it up 72 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,535 without making us all sad. 73 00:05:28,535 --> 00:05:31,331 But I felt like it's my responsibility, 74 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:36,232 as a voice for the people, to at least acknowledge that it happened. 75 00:05:36,232 --> 00:05:37,785 Like, that happened. 76 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:44,620 When it happened, I went through all the drag queen stages of grief. 77 00:05:45,310 --> 00:05:48,555 Okay, there is only stage, 78 00:05:48,555 --> 00:05:52,731 and it's wondering, "How is this going to affect me... 79 00:05:54,215 --> 00:05:55,872 "directly?" 80 00:05:57,253 --> 00:05:59,462 It's really hard to just watch my calendar 81 00:05:59,462 --> 00:06:03,915 just like, gigs just started disappearing left and right. 82 00:06:03,915 --> 00:06:04,916 Like my dad. 83 00:06:04,916 --> 00:06:08,609 - And, um... 84 00:06:12,613 --> 00:06:16,445 Is it too early in the show for a broken family joke? 85 00:06:16,445 --> 00:06:17,791 I mean, 86 00:06:17,791 --> 00:06:20,172 I don't think you're here 'cause you're well adjusted. 87 00:06:25,695 --> 00:06:28,629 Dads are so optional these days. 88 00:06:33,151 --> 00:06:36,050 Watching all my gigs disappear. 89 00:06:36,050 --> 00:06:39,640 And I really thought 2020 was gonna be my year, you know? 90 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,885 Like, I was all set up for a great year. 91 00:06:42,885 --> 00:06:46,475 I had, um, just gotten a hair transplant, 92 00:06:46,992 --> 00:06:49,063 How does it look? 93 00:06:51,825 --> 00:06:56,070 I had finally justified the huge splurge 94 00:06:56,070 --> 00:06:58,728 that is, getting a hair transplant, you know? 95 00:06:58,728 --> 00:07:02,214 Because I had so many gigs lined up right afterwards. 96 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:03,837 I was gonna make it all back! 97 00:07:04,803 --> 00:07:07,496 I was, you know, in a committed relationship. 98 00:07:07,496 --> 00:07:08,807 I'm now married. 99 00:07:09,256 --> 00:07:10,533 Ooh! 100 00:07:13,398 --> 00:07:16,815 See! My wedding ring. This is the proof. 101 00:07:18,023 --> 00:07:19,715 I was in a committed relationship 102 00:07:19,715 --> 00:07:22,856 with my hung British husband. 103 00:07:24,098 --> 00:07:25,686 More on that later. 104 00:07:26,860 --> 00:07:30,967 It takes a while to talk about it, but, um... 105 00:07:30,967 --> 00:07:33,349 I really thought 2020 was gonna be my year. 106 00:07:33,349 --> 00:07:35,006 You know, I was all set up. 107 00:07:35,006 --> 00:07:37,767 And, then, I know I sho... I don't know why I'm complaining. 108 00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:40,149 You know, like, we all went through this. 109 00:07:40,805 --> 00:07:42,289 But... 110 00:07:42,289 --> 00:07:45,188 I had to start living at home. 111 00:07:48,088 --> 00:07:50,642 Like, for someone who's just been constantly on the road 112 00:07:50,642 --> 00:07:52,886 for 10 years, imagine the adjustment 113 00:07:52,886 --> 00:07:55,544 to, just like, living at home. 114 00:07:59,030 --> 00:08:03,034 I realized there are so many things that I'd forgotten how to do. 115 00:08:03,034 --> 00:08:05,277 Like, answering phone calls... 116 00:08:06,244 --> 00:08:08,108 and reading physical mail, 117 00:08:08,108 --> 00:08:09,350 Brushing my teeth. 118 00:08:09,350 --> 00:08:11,663 It was a lot to take on. 119 00:08:11,663 --> 00:08:13,527 I became quiet a hermit. 120 00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,356 And just to be safe, while social distancing, 121 00:08:15,356 --> 00:08:19,084 I really played it safe. I even avoided eye contact. 122 00:08:21,811 --> 00:08:23,986 It was an introvert's holiday. 123 00:08:25,056 --> 00:08:28,128 And now, we are coming out of the pan... Are we? 124 00:08:28,128 --> 00:08:29,785 I still don't know. 125 00:08:29,785 --> 00:08:34,652 I still don't know. One day, we just arbitrarily, we're like, "It's done!" 126 00:08:38,690 --> 00:08:39,933 "It's over, y'all!" 127 00:08:41,382 --> 00:08:44,731 Start sucking dick and spitting' on each other again. 128 00:08:48,217 --> 00:08:50,219 It's done. 129 00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:53,015 And now, I don't know... 130 00:08:53,015 --> 00:08:55,949 I don't know. It's so funny that we live in this time that people are, 131 00:08:55,949 --> 00:08:59,573 you know, "people"... Republicans are 132 00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:02,749 actively trying to strip away our rights, 133 00:09:02,749 --> 00:09:07,408 while so many straight people are starting to embrace the gay lifestyle, 134 00:09:07,408 --> 00:09:09,894 in ways they never have before. 135 00:09:09,894 --> 00:09:12,172 Okay. And I'm not against it. 136 00:09:12,172 --> 00:09:14,070 Who's straight here? 137 00:09:14,070 --> 00:09:16,659 Yeah, you think in my audience. 138 00:09:18,454 --> 00:09:19,593 We got three! 139 00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:22,044 We got three... Three or four. 140 00:09:24,011 --> 00:09:26,842 You're out on your, "Once a year day! 141 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,362 "The kids are at home. 142 00:09:30,984 --> 00:09:34,332 "I'm gonna see a drag show!" 143 00:09:39,302 --> 00:09:42,616 I don't mind that straight people are embracing 144 00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,722 the queer lifestyle more and more, 145 00:09:44,722 --> 00:09:46,827 but I do have some requests. 146 00:09:48,657 --> 00:09:49,865 Straight girls... 147 00:09:50,831 --> 00:09:53,627 stop doing poppers on the dance floor. 148 00:09:58,459 --> 00:10:02,118 That's cultural appropriation, and I don't appreciate it. 149 00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:07,434 Poppers on the dance floor. 150 00:10:07,434 --> 00:10:09,263 And, I'm sorry. But... 151 00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:11,576 straights. 152 00:10:11,576 --> 00:10:12,784 Sorry. 153 00:10:13,854 --> 00:10:14,855 You. 154 00:10:17,686 --> 00:10:19,204 Straight people, 155 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,345 kindly stop eating ass. 156 00:10:23,795 --> 00:10:26,177 Do you know how hard we worked for that? 157 00:10:27,316 --> 00:10:29,111 We fought for years 158 00:10:29,836 --> 00:10:32,355 for the right to eat ass. 159 00:10:32,355 --> 00:10:36,428 You can't just come in late and start reaping the benefits 160 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:38,741 of years of gay rights movements. 161 00:10:38,741 --> 00:10:42,124 Marsha P. Johnson marched on Washington 162 00:10:44,782 --> 00:10:47,094 so that we could eat ass. 163 00:10:50,753 --> 00:10:53,273 No. Ass eating is great. Everyone should try it. 164 00:10:58,761 --> 00:11:00,590 I'm gonna go off-script for a second, 165 00:11:00,590 --> 00:11:01,833 because there's just... 166 00:11:01,833 --> 00:11:04,215 I don't know if you know this, but I can see you. 167 00:11:04,733 --> 00:11:06,044 Um... 168 00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:13,017 I know it's been, like, two years without going out to live theater, 169 00:11:13,017 --> 00:11:14,777 but I can literally see all of you. 170 00:11:14,777 --> 00:11:16,227 This isn't TV. 171 00:11:16,227 --> 00:11:19,161 So I need you to just constantly be smiling and laughing. 172 00:11:19,402 --> 00:11:20,507 Okay? 173 00:11:20,507 --> 00:11:22,405 'Cause I'm a Virgo, I'm gonna look out in this crowd 174 00:11:22,405 --> 00:11:25,408 and see that one person wearing glasses with the beard 175 00:11:25,408 --> 00:11:27,997 right there, who's just, the whole show, been like... 176 00:11:31,173 --> 00:11:33,934 Like, looking for cues for when to laugh. 177 00:11:35,108 --> 00:11:37,248 I'm talking about eating ass. 178 00:11:37,248 --> 00:11:40,423 Just... crack a smile. 179 00:11:42,771 --> 00:11:44,704 Are you wearing a corset? 180 00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:46,050 No! 181 00:11:47,189 --> 00:11:49,329 So, just smile, damn it. 182 00:11:51,331 --> 00:11:56,474 I know I shouldn't tell people how to experience things. 183 00:11:56,474 --> 00:11:57,786 If you want to just sit there, 184 00:11:57,786 --> 00:12:01,030 make me feel horrible about myself 185 00:12:01,030 --> 00:12:03,723 through the whole show, that's your prerogative. 186 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,208 But, now, a famous person hates you. 187 00:12:06,208 --> 00:12:08,072 So... 188 00:12:08,072 --> 00:12:09,487 What's your name, darling? 189 00:12:10,591 --> 00:12:12,041 What? 190 00:12:12,041 --> 00:12:13,284 - Harris? Harris. 191 00:12:13,284 --> 00:12:15,389 Ha-Harris? Harris? 192 00:12:15,389 --> 00:12:17,012 Okay. That's a stupid name. 193 00:12:17,012 --> 00:12:18,254 I'm sorry. 194 00:12:19,946 --> 00:12:22,086 Harris, I'll find you on Grindr after this. 195 00:12:22,086 --> 00:12:23,121 It's okay. 196 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,610 I just came back from the UK. 197 00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:35,409 That's a UK song. 198 00:12:36,825 --> 00:12:38,274 I did just come back from the UK. 199 00:12:38,274 --> 00:12:41,208 That's not just a bit I'm doing. That's real. 200 00:12:41,208 --> 00:12:44,971 That's why I'm standing on the right side of the stage right now. 201 00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:46,627 The UK. 202 00:12:51,218 --> 00:12:53,634 When I was young, I thought it was so fancy, right? 203 00:12:53,634 --> 00:12:59,192 Just anything British is just inherently fancier than America, right? 204 00:12:59,192 --> 00:13:00,572 The UK. 205 00:13:05,474 --> 00:13:08,442 The UK is just the US with bad lighting. 206 00:13:08,442 --> 00:13:10,375 It's like... 207 00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:12,205 I don't know if anyone here is British. 208 00:13:12,205 --> 00:13:15,346 So, sorry if you're feeling, like, called out right now. 209 00:13:15,346 --> 00:13:18,487 But they do this thing, where, instead of "hello", 210 00:13:18,487 --> 00:13:21,110 like a decent person would say to someone on the street. 211 00:13:21,110 --> 00:13:23,354 Instead of, like, "Hello, how are you?" 212 00:13:23,354 --> 00:13:24,251 They go, 213 00:13:24,251 --> 00:13:28,497 "You okay? 214 00:13:28,497 --> 00:13:30,119 "You all right?" 215 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,640 And as an alcoholic, 216 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,987 that is, like, really triggering. 217 00:13:38,231 --> 00:13:41,199 To just start a conversation like that? 218 00:13:43,132 --> 00:13:44,962 "You okay?" 219 00:13:46,170 --> 00:13:48,897 "You don't know me! 220 00:13:48,897 --> 00:13:51,554 "You don't know what I did last night!" 221 00:13:53,729 --> 00:13:55,973 And I'm a Virgo. I'm highly anxious. 222 00:13:55,973 --> 00:13:58,423 So, I always think I must've done something. 223 00:13:58,423 --> 00:14:00,494 Like... 224 00:14:00,494 --> 00:14:03,325 "I'm sorry, whatever it is." 225 00:14:03,325 --> 00:14:06,259 That's just how they start a conversation. 226 00:14:06,259 --> 00:14:07,536 Isn't that gross? 227 00:14:08,813 --> 00:14:10,470 "You all right?" 228 00:14:12,403 --> 00:14:16,027 But, I think the thing that pisses me off the most about the UK... 229 00:14:18,374 --> 00:14:22,413 I know. What a place of privilege, right? 230 00:14:22,413 --> 00:14:26,037 Well, the thing that pisses me off the most 231 00:14:26,037 --> 00:14:28,591 about travelling to the UK. Ever been? 232 00:14:33,286 --> 00:14:38,256 One of the things that really irritates me about British people 233 00:14:38,256 --> 00:14:42,191 is their inability to grasp the concept 234 00:14:42,812 --> 00:14:44,745 of a Subway sandwich shop. 235 00:14:44,745 --> 00:14:45,919 They... they... 236 00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:47,541 They don't know how it works. 237 00:14:49,026 --> 00:14:50,924 Sometimes, I'll be late for a sound check, 238 00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,132 and I'm standing behind 239 00:14:52,132 --> 00:14:54,617 fucking flouncy totin' bottom up there, 240 00:14:56,205 --> 00:14:59,139 trying to order a sandwich from Subway. 241 00:14:59,139 --> 00:15:01,728 I know this makes me sound like absolute trash. 242 00:15:01,728 --> 00:15:03,523 I'm like... 243 00:15:04,627 --> 00:15:08,493 Before sound check, I always stop off at a Subway 244 00:15:08,493 --> 00:15:13,222 and get my compulsory Footlong before the show. 245 00:15:13,222 --> 00:15:16,225 But, standing behind this British person who doesn't know 246 00:15:16,225 --> 00:15:17,951 how it works, asking, like, 247 00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:21,127 "What comes on the Turkey Breast sandwich?" 248 00:15:24,578 --> 00:15:26,649 "Anything you like, ma'am." 249 00:15:30,584 --> 00:15:32,932 "Does it come with tomatoes? 250 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,726 "'Cause I don't like tomatoes. 251 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,418 "I don't like tomatoes." 252 00:15:39,248 --> 00:15:41,975 "Comes with whatever you want on it, ma'am." 253 00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:44,150 "You pick the toppings" 254 00:15:44,150 --> 00:15:47,118 "I don't want any tomatoes though. 255 00:15:47,877 --> 00:15:49,914 "No tomatoes." 256 00:15:49,914 --> 00:15:51,053 "It's a good call. 257 00:15:51,053 --> 00:15:53,400 "The tomatoes look rather poorly here." 258 00:15:56,783 --> 00:15:59,579 "What's all them green bits there?" 259 00:16:00,580 --> 00:16:02,582 "That's lettuce, ma'am." 260 00:16:04,308 --> 00:16:05,757 "Salad? 261 00:16:06,413 --> 00:16:08,346 "On a sandwich? 262 00:16:08,346 --> 00:16:09,313 "Huh! 263 00:16:09,313 --> 00:16:12,074 "It's not even Saint Crispin's feast day" 264 00:16:14,594 --> 00:16:18,701 "You know what I hate about international travel?" 265 00:16:18,701 --> 00:16:21,290 I just can't get over that. 266 00:16:21,290 --> 00:16:23,983 I don't know if you can tell just by looking at me, 267 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,950 but I'm from Portland, Oregon. 268 00:16:27,710 --> 00:16:30,644 Oh, good! We have some. Are you from Portland? 269 00:16:30,644 --> 00:16:33,785 So humble over there, clapping for yourself. 270 00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,615 I was born and raised in Portland. 271 00:16:35,615 --> 00:16:37,134 I moved away, 272 00:16:37,134 --> 00:16:38,514 and then I came back, 273 00:16:38,514 --> 00:16:42,139 because Portlanders are like the Amish on Rumspringa. 274 00:16:43,657 --> 00:16:47,903 Ninety percent of them come back after they, like, sow their wild oats. 275 00:16:47,903 --> 00:16:49,560 It's funnier if you're from Portland. 276 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:50,595 Fuck you! 277 00:16:52,321 --> 00:16:55,048 That joke kills in Portland! 278 00:16:56,705 --> 00:16:58,327 Why aren't you Portland? 279 00:17:01,296 --> 00:17:02,676 I moved back to Portland. 280 00:17:02,676 --> 00:17:06,059 I always had the plan of moving back to Portland. 281 00:17:07,992 --> 00:17:09,062 I always planned on it, 282 00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:11,340 because I want to raise my kids there. 283 00:17:11,340 --> 00:17:13,066 Because I was raised in Portland, 284 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:15,379 I was able to come out at a very young age. 285 00:17:15,379 --> 00:17:18,520 I had a lot of resources. I knew other queer people. 286 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:21,764 It was a very good place to grow up queer. 287 00:17:21,764 --> 00:17:23,180 Portland, Oregon. 288 00:17:23,180 --> 00:17:27,046 So, I've always wanted to raise kids there if I ever have them. 289 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,668 And I kind of have this plan. 290 00:17:28,668 --> 00:17:30,532 This is, like, the most Portland-y thing. 291 00:17:30,532 --> 00:17:33,086 I'm gonna have a gender-reveal party, okay? 292 00:17:34,501 --> 00:17:36,262 Boo! 293 00:17:36,607 --> 00:17:37,608 Hiss! 294 00:17:39,196 --> 00:17:42,199 I want to have a gender-reveal party in Portland, 295 00:17:42,199 --> 00:17:43,752 and I want to make a big deal about it. 296 00:17:43,752 --> 00:17:49,068 Like, "Come to my gender-reveal party for my baby." 297 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,380 And get everyone coming to this party 298 00:17:51,380 --> 00:17:53,727 and be really, really excited. 299 00:17:53,727 --> 00:17:55,039 I'll bring out the big cake, 300 00:17:55,039 --> 00:17:57,524 and I'll be, like, "Are you all ready? 301 00:17:57,524 --> 00:18:01,804 "We're gonna find out the gender of my baby! 302 00:18:01,804 --> 00:18:02,978 "Are you ready?" 303 00:18:02,978 --> 00:18:04,566 And then, I cut into the cake 304 00:18:04,566 --> 00:18:06,844 and pull out a slice, and it's just white. 305 00:18:10,434 --> 00:18:12,194 And everyone is, like, "Huh?" 306 00:18:12,781 --> 00:18:14,921 "What gender is that?" 307 00:18:14,921 --> 00:18:18,269 And then, I just start taking fistfuls of the cake and going, 308 00:18:18,269 --> 00:18:20,375 "Fuck you! 309 00:18:21,030 --> 00:18:23,654 "How dare you? 310 00:18:24,517 --> 00:18:27,520 "How dare you come to this party, 311 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,764 "supporting the construct of gender 312 00:18:30,764 --> 00:18:35,597 "as it's been mandated by our oppressive overlords? 313 00:18:36,874 --> 00:18:39,808 "You complacent asshole! 314 00:18:41,050 --> 00:18:45,089 "How dare you think I would raise my child 315 00:18:45,089 --> 00:18:47,367 "in a gendered world?" 316 00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:00,656 "But the cake?" 317 00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:06,559 I know. Okay. So, I've used the word "queer" a lot tonight, 318 00:19:06,559 --> 00:19:09,562 and I don't know where we all stand with the word "queer". 319 00:19:09,562 --> 00:19:12,496 I was raised believing it was a, um, you know, 320 00:19:12,496 --> 00:19:15,223 a reclaimed word, an umbrella term, 321 00:19:15,223 --> 00:19:16,845 for anyone who is not straight. 322 00:19:16,845 --> 00:19:19,468 But I know, you know, different people come 323 00:19:19,468 --> 00:19:21,401 from different parts of the world, 324 00:19:21,401 --> 00:19:24,232 and they have different experiences with the word "queer". 325 00:19:24,232 --> 00:19:26,924 But, I have to use the word "queer" 326 00:19:28,236 --> 00:19:30,928 to just explain the multitudes 327 00:19:32,032 --> 00:19:33,689 in which I'm not straight. 328 00:19:33,689 --> 00:19:37,521 It's like, "Gay doesn't cut it for me, okay?" 329 00:19:38,349 --> 00:19:40,248 And I know what you see right now. 330 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,492 I know what you're looking at right now 331 00:19:43,492 --> 00:19:46,495 is a gorgeous, cis-gendered woman. 332 00:19:47,324 --> 00:19:48,532 And you're brain... 333 00:19:52,674 --> 00:19:55,159 You see a mature woman of a certain age, 334 00:19:55,159 --> 00:19:56,229 and your brain is like, 335 00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:57,955 "Queer? What?" 336 00:19:59,370 --> 00:20:00,923 But I use the word "queer", 337 00:20:00,923 --> 00:20:05,549 because, you know, trademark gay, it just doesn't cut it for me. 338 00:20:05,549 --> 00:20:08,068 You know, I'm not gay, as in, "I like to suck cock", 339 00:20:08,068 --> 00:20:11,555 but queer, as in, "I'm just a hole, sir." 340 00:20:16,284 --> 00:20:18,458 Not gay, as in, like, "Brunch with the girls", 341 00:20:18,458 --> 00:20:21,772 but queer, as in, "Feed me, Seymour. 342 00:20:23,291 --> 00:20:25,224 "Feed me now!" 343 00:20:28,744 --> 00:20:33,093 I'm not gay, as in, like, "I'm gonna do drag on Halloween", 344 00:20:33,093 --> 00:20:37,305 but queer, as in, "I am Christine Baranski." 345 00:20:43,311 --> 00:20:45,244 I just am her. 346 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:49,455 I'm not gay, as in, like, "Yaas!" 347 00:20:49,455 --> 00:20:56,703 But queer, as in... 348 00:21:08,784 --> 00:21:09,992 Very queer. 349 00:21:11,718 --> 00:21:14,583 You know, representation in the media is so important. 350 00:21:14,583 --> 00:21:17,448 I think, you know, gay people and queer people are alike. 351 00:21:17,448 --> 00:21:21,935 We only recently started having, like, really good representation 352 00:21:21,935 --> 00:21:23,316 in the media. 353 00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:27,147 And, for so long, you know, we had to find representation 354 00:21:27,147 --> 00:21:31,151 in things that weren't actually meant to be queer representation, 355 00:21:31,151 --> 00:21:33,568 but we saw it. We saw it. 356 00:21:33,568 --> 00:21:36,295 You know, like, those trademark gays, they saw themselves 357 00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,331 in Peter Pan, 358 00:21:38,331 --> 00:21:41,265 you know, the eternal twink wearing leggings, 359 00:21:42,266 --> 00:21:44,303 hanging out in the woods 360 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,615 with the lost boys, you know. 361 00:21:47,961 --> 00:21:49,308 Queer people, 362 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:52,207 we saw ourselves in movies like Addams Family Values. 363 00:21:59,904 --> 00:22:01,354 It was Pavlovian. 364 00:22:03,045 --> 00:22:05,358 You know, like, lipstick lesbians saw themselves 365 00:22:05,358 --> 00:22:07,981 in Morticia Addams, 366 00:22:07,981 --> 00:22:12,331 suburban Hot Topic shoppers saw themselves in Wednesday, 367 00:22:13,297 --> 00:22:16,438 fisting enthusiasts saw themselves in Thing. 368 00:22:23,997 --> 00:22:28,001 I've always seen myself as Debbie Jellinsky. 369 00:22:30,452 --> 00:22:31,764 I'm trusting you all saw this, 370 00:22:31,764 --> 00:22:34,491 'cause Addams Family Values is arguable the queerest 371 00:22:34,491 --> 00:22:38,426 Addams Family film in the Addams Family franchise. 372 00:22:38,426 --> 00:22:40,359 And, you know, at a very young age, 373 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,809 Debbie Jellinsky really resonated with me. 374 00:22:42,809 --> 00:22:47,883 Played by the unsung queer icon, Joan Cusack. 375 00:22:53,441 --> 00:22:55,753 I resonate with this character so much that 376 00:22:55,753 --> 00:23:00,551 I even wrote a song about it, and... 377 00:23:00,551 --> 00:23:02,760 I'm gonna sing that song for you now. 378 00:23:05,694 --> 00:23:07,109 Hit it! 379 00:23:08,214 --> 00:23:10,837 ♪ I don't wanna hurt anybody 380 00:23:10,837 --> 00:23:14,496 ♪ I don't enjoy hurting anybody 381 00:23:14,496 --> 00:23:19,467 ♪ I don't like guns, or bombs or electric chairs 382 00:23:19,467 --> 00:23:22,849 ♪ But sometimes people just won't listen 383 00:23:22,849 --> 00:23:25,852 ♪ And so I have to use persuasion 384 00:23:27,544 --> 00:23:29,131 ♪ And slides 385 00:23:45,493 --> 00:23:48,530 ♪ My parents generous, doting 386 00:23:48,530 --> 00:23:50,843 ♪ Or were they? 387 00:23:53,397 --> 00:23:56,400 ♪ All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie 388 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:59,023 ♪ In her pretty pink tutu 389 00:24:01,198 --> 00:24:03,407 ♪ My birthday I was ten 390 00:24:03,407 --> 00:24:05,478 ♪ And do you know what they got me? 391 00:24:05,478 --> 00:24:08,723 ♪ Malibu Barbie 392 00:24:08,723 --> 00:24:10,241 ♪ That's not what I wanted 393 00:24:10,241 --> 00:24:11,346 ♪ That's not who I was 394 00:24:11,346 --> 00:24:13,244 ♪ I was a ballerina 395 00:24:13,244 --> 00:24:15,488 ♪ Graceful! Delicate! 396 00:24:15,488 --> 00:24:16,524 ♪ They had to go 397 00:24:16,524 --> 00:24:18,871 ♪ 'Cause what about Debbie? 398 00:24:18,871 --> 00:24:20,735 ♪ What about me? 399 00:24:20,735 --> 00:24:22,702 ♪ They're the ones who killed my childhood 400 00:24:22,702 --> 00:24:24,739 ♪ And I get the third degree? 401 00:24:24,739 --> 00:24:28,121 ♪ I've always said that love is war as far as I can see 402 00:24:28,121 --> 00:24:30,261 ♪ So what about Debbie? 403 00:24:30,261 --> 00:24:34,852 ♪ What about me? 404 00:24:38,097 --> 00:24:40,893 ♪ My first husband The heart surgeon 405 00:24:40,893 --> 00:24:42,308 ♪ All day long 406 00:24:42,308 --> 00:24:45,276 ♪ Coronaries, transplants 407 00:24:46,139 --> 00:24:47,624 ♪ Sorry about dinner, Deb 408 00:24:47,624 --> 00:24:49,867 ♪ The Pope has a cold 409 00:24:51,559 --> 00:24:53,008 ♪ Husband two 410 00:24:54,009 --> 00:24:55,183 ♪ The senator 411 00:24:55,183 --> 00:24:58,911 ♪ He loved his state He loved his country 412 00:25:00,015 --> 00:25:03,812 ♪ Sorry, Debbie No Mercedes this year 413 00:25:03,812 --> 00:25:06,159 ♪ We have to set an example 414 00:25:06,159 --> 00:25:07,471 ♪ Oh, yeah? 415 00:25:07,471 --> 00:25:09,162 ♪ Set this! 416 00:25:09,162 --> 00:25:10,647 ♪ 'Cause what about Debbie? 417 00:25:11,199 --> 00:25:13,477 ♪ What about me? 418 00:25:13,477 --> 00:25:14,961 ♪ He thought the car we had was fine 419 00:25:14,961 --> 00:25:17,239 ♪ Until it pinned him to a tree 420 00:25:17,239 --> 00:25:20,691 ♪ You know we all deserve a little respect and courtesy 421 00:25:20,691 --> 00:25:23,107 ♪ So what about Debbie? 422 00:25:23,107 --> 00:25:28,906 ♪ What about me? 423 00:25:31,495 --> 00:25:33,635 ♪ You took me in 424 00:25:33,635 --> 00:25:37,328 ♪ You accepted me 425 00:25:37,328 --> 00:25:40,746 ♪ But did any of you love me? 426 00:25:41,643 --> 00:25:46,234 ♪ I mean, really love me? 427 00:25:47,097 --> 00:25:48,754 ♪ So I killed 428 00:25:49,375 --> 00:25:50,756 ♪ So I maimed 429 00:25:50,756 --> 00:25:54,380 ♪ So I destroyed one innocent life after another 430 00:25:54,380 --> 00:25:58,453 ♪ Aren't I a human being? 431 00:25:58,453 --> 00:26:03,838 ♪ Don't I yearn and ache, and shop? 432 00:26:03,838 --> 00:26:07,531 ♪ Don't I deserve love? And jewelry? 433 00:26:07,531 --> 00:26:09,671 ♪ Yeah, don't forget Debbie 434 00:26:09,671 --> 00:26:11,777 ♪ Don't forget me 435 00:26:11,777 --> 00:26:13,848 ♪ I sure hope you enjoyed our little chat 436 00:26:13,848 --> 00:26:15,677 ♪ 'Cause I'm the last face you'll see 437 00:26:15,677 --> 00:26:17,921 ♪ And when you're burning with the rest of them 438 00:26:17,921 --> 00:26:19,612 ♪ Your final thoughts will be 439 00:26:19,612 --> 00:26:21,614 ♪ What about Debbie? 440 00:26:21,614 --> 00:26:25,238 ♪ What about me? 441 00:26:29,553 --> 00:26:30,865 ♪ What about me? 442 00:26:31,555 --> 00:26:32,763 ♪ What about me? 443 00:26:33,557 --> 00:26:34,972 ♪ What about me? 444 00:26:35,559 --> 00:26:43,636 ♪ What about me? 445 00:26:45,500 --> 00:26:49,884 ♪ What about me? 446 00:26:49,884 --> 00:26:53,681 ♪ Oooh! 447 00:26:53,681 --> 00:26:55,614 ♪ Goodbye, everyone 448 00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:57,512 ♪ Wish me luck 449 00:27:02,103 --> 00:27:03,173 Thank you. 450 00:27:10,974 --> 00:27:12,838 Joan Cusack... 451 00:27:13,459 --> 00:27:15,081 Oh, wow! 452 00:27:15,081 --> 00:27:18,291 Oh, no. That became Jennifer Coolidge for a second. 453 00:27:19,948 --> 00:27:21,847 Wow. 454 00:27:23,296 --> 00:27:24,677 You look great. 455 00:27:26,817 --> 00:27:28,888 Wow. 456 00:27:28,888 --> 00:27:31,304 We discover a lot about ourselves 457 00:27:32,443 --> 00:27:33,824 through media, you know. 458 00:27:33,824 --> 00:27:36,447 Sometimes, things we didn't realize 459 00:27:36,447 --> 00:27:38,795 we were gonna discover about ourselves. 460 00:27:40,279 --> 00:27:41,729 We're not responsible 461 00:27:41,729 --> 00:27:44,421 for what happens when we watch certain movies. 462 00:27:44,421 --> 00:27:45,664 Okay? 463 00:27:49,115 --> 00:27:52,774 I think it's time that Disney takes some responsibility. 464 00:27:55,984 --> 00:27:59,298 Disney is responsible for my foot fetish. 465 00:28:02,681 --> 00:28:03,923 Sorry! 466 00:28:07,064 --> 00:28:09,826 I used to be more nervous to talk about my foot fetish, 467 00:28:09,826 --> 00:28:11,897 but it's, like, so mainstream these days. 468 00:28:11,897 --> 00:28:14,140 You know, like, every Instagrammer, like, 469 00:28:14,140 --> 00:28:17,350 posts pics of their feet now, so I feel comfortable telling you. 470 00:28:18,766 --> 00:28:21,838 Disney is responsible for my foot fetish. 471 00:28:23,391 --> 00:28:26,118 Um, the movie was the Beauty and the Beast. 472 00:28:29,811 --> 00:28:31,813 When I was watching Beauty and the Beast, 473 00:28:32,365 --> 00:28:33,953 and that scene where 474 00:28:33,953 --> 00:28:37,785 Gaston comes swaggering into Belle's hut, 475 00:28:37,785 --> 00:28:41,064 giant dick slapping back and forth 476 00:28:42,755 --> 00:28:44,170 as he walks in. 477 00:28:45,206 --> 00:28:46,379 I assume. 478 00:28:48,036 --> 00:28:52,144 No one with a chin that big doesn't have a dick to match, right? 479 00:28:52,144 --> 00:28:53,214 As I've found. 480 00:28:55,872 --> 00:28:58,978 When Gaston came swaggering into that hut, 481 00:29:01,981 --> 00:29:07,021 I saw that. I was like, "Yaas, Gaston, yaas!" 482 00:29:07,021 --> 00:29:09,126 "I will be your brood mother. 483 00:29:11,232 --> 00:29:14,062 "You can go hunt, and I'll have babies." 484 00:29:15,512 --> 00:29:16,755 But... 485 00:29:17,445 --> 00:29:19,309 more disturbingly, 486 00:29:19,309 --> 00:29:22,415 when he pushed off those big muddy boots, 487 00:29:24,072 --> 00:29:27,420 slammed his feet up on the table, 488 00:29:27,420 --> 00:29:31,390 and there was that one big toe sticking out of that sock. 489 00:29:31,390 --> 00:29:35,566 Oh, don't pretend like you don't remember the toe! 490 00:29:37,396 --> 00:29:42,435 Don't act like that toe isn't burned into your memories for all time. 491 00:29:45,162 --> 00:29:46,888 You know the toe! 492 00:29:49,408 --> 00:29:51,237 When I saw that one big toe, 493 00:29:52,894 --> 00:29:54,931 sticking out of that sock, it was like, 494 00:29:55,897 --> 00:30:00,143 ♪ Something has changed within me 495 00:30:02,076 --> 00:30:03,974 ♪ Something is not the same 496 00:30:05,734 --> 00:30:08,772 Disney is responsible for my foot fetish! 497 00:30:11,982 --> 00:30:15,330 And I'm pretty sure they are responsible for furries, too. 498 00:30:16,090 --> 00:30:17,194 But... 499 00:30:19,162 --> 00:30:22,648 But, um, that's all I'm gonna say about that. 500 00:30:22,648 --> 00:30:24,132 Not gonna poke that bear. 501 00:30:32,244 --> 00:30:34,729 Bear! Get it? 502 00:30:34,729 --> 00:30:36,973 - She was talking about furries. 503 00:30:43,151 --> 00:30:46,879 So, I've known I was queer for a very long time. 504 00:30:46,879 --> 00:30:50,745 I've known I was genderqueer for a very long time. 505 00:30:50,745 --> 00:30:54,093 I came out as a non-binary in my early twenties. 506 00:30:54,093 --> 00:30:58,304 And I just get progressively femmer and femmer every year. 507 00:30:58,304 --> 00:31:01,790 And I got to say, there is one place. 508 00:31:01,790 --> 00:31:03,137 It's just, it's rough. 509 00:31:03,137 --> 00:31:05,933 It's rough to be non-binary at airports. 510 00:31:05,933 --> 00:31:07,589 It fucking sucks! 511 00:31:07,589 --> 00:31:11,076 Airports are the most gender-phobic place you'll ever experience. 512 00:31:11,076 --> 00:31:13,837 Every single airport. Terrible! 513 00:31:13,837 --> 00:31:15,563 Airports are hellmouths. 514 00:31:18,290 --> 00:31:21,500 When you go through TSA, the security checkpoint 515 00:31:21,500 --> 00:31:26,850 as a gender non-binary, genderqueer, like, non-descript person. 516 00:31:26,850 --> 00:31:28,887 When you look like me, out of drag. 517 00:31:28,887 --> 00:31:30,819 Do you know what I look like out of drag? 518 00:31:30,819 --> 00:31:35,341 You know, just like, androgynous, shapeless sack of pizza dough. 519 00:31:35,341 --> 00:31:36,480 Just like... 520 00:31:40,001 --> 00:31:43,418 rising out of Spanx leggings, you know, 521 00:31:43,418 --> 00:31:44,972 that I bought at the airport. 522 00:31:48,458 --> 00:31:51,254 When you go through TSA as a genderqueer person, 523 00:31:51,254 --> 00:31:54,636 they, like, flip a coin, and you get in that machine, 524 00:31:54,636 --> 00:31:56,086 and they gender you. 525 00:31:56,086 --> 00:31:59,089 And then, they freak out when they got it wrong. 526 00:31:59,089 --> 00:32:03,059 They're, like, mad at you that they misgendered you. 527 00:32:03,059 --> 00:32:06,372 And, like, one specific time... 528 00:32:06,372 --> 00:32:07,546 I was mortified. 529 00:32:07,546 --> 00:32:09,928 I went through, you know, that radiation pod. 530 00:32:16,762 --> 00:32:19,627 "No, there is nothing in my pockets. Just do it." 531 00:32:21,456 --> 00:32:24,770 Like, you're taking a Silkwood shower in the middle of the... 532 00:32:31,190 --> 00:32:33,641 I step out of the radiation pod, 533 00:32:36,782 --> 00:32:38,335 and the TSA agent just starts screaming, 534 00:32:38,335 --> 00:32:40,579 "We have a groin anomaly!" 535 00:32:41,269 --> 00:32:43,340 Like, that loud. 536 00:32:43,340 --> 00:32:45,964 "We got a groin anomaly! 537 00:32:48,587 --> 00:32:52,556 "We're gonna need a pat down on this groin anomaly over here. 538 00:32:53,178 --> 00:32:54,696 "Yup, we got a flip-flop." 539 00:32:57,044 --> 00:32:59,391 A groin anomaly. Just shouting it! 540 00:33:00,185 --> 00:33:01,841 Pointing at me and shouting, 541 00:33:01,841 --> 00:33:04,672 "We got a groin anomaly!" 542 00:33:04,672 --> 00:33:07,226 And everyone else in security is looking at me, like, 543 00:33:07,226 --> 00:33:10,643 "What could the groin anomaly be?" 544 00:33:10,643 --> 00:33:11,955 "We got a groin..." 545 00:33:11,955 --> 00:33:15,303 This... That can't be protocol, right? Like... 546 00:33:15,303 --> 00:33:17,133 Can you imagine reading the handbook? 547 00:33:17,133 --> 00:33:20,929 And it's like, "If you encounter someone 548 00:33:20,929 --> 00:33:26,107 "with genitalia that doesn't match your expectations of that person, 549 00:33:26,107 --> 00:33:29,973 "be sure to single them out and start screaming about it." 550 00:33:31,319 --> 00:33:34,150 "We got a groin anomaly! 551 00:33:34,150 --> 00:33:36,290 "Everybody down!" 552 00:33:40,225 --> 00:33:43,228 Harris, if you want to find me on Grindr after this, 553 00:33:44,746 --> 00:33:47,266 its Groinanomaly87, okay? 554 00:33:47,266 --> 00:33:48,302 Remember that. 555 00:33:49,337 --> 00:33:50,580 I own it! 556 00:33:51,477 --> 00:33:53,238 I choose to own it! 557 00:33:55,619 --> 00:33:58,622 But even worse than security is 558 00:33:58,622 --> 00:34:01,142 bathrooms, restrooms, toilets. 559 00:34:04,594 --> 00:34:08,667 Airport bathrooms are the nexus of all evil. 560 00:34:08,667 --> 00:34:11,497 It's like, "Where do you go when you're a genderqueer person?" 561 00:34:11,497 --> 00:34:14,086 I choose to go into the men's room. 562 00:34:14,086 --> 00:34:18,090 You know, because if I'm gonna make someone uncomfortable with my presence, 563 00:34:18,090 --> 00:34:19,333 I'd rather it be men. 564 00:34:25,477 --> 00:34:28,135 So, I use the men's restroom, you know. 565 00:34:28,514 --> 00:34:29,688 And, oh, my God! 566 00:34:29,688 --> 00:34:33,485 My favorite is, I'm standing there washing my hands, 567 00:34:33,485 --> 00:34:36,729 singing Happy Birthday twice, you know, 568 00:34:36,729 --> 00:34:38,490 like the CDC says. 569 00:34:39,836 --> 00:34:42,977 I don't think I'd ever washed my hands before the pandemic. 570 00:34:42,977 --> 00:34:44,703 Does anyone else feel like that? 571 00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:48,948 Like, during the pandemic, I was, like, "One. 572 00:34:48,948 --> 00:34:50,157 "Sing Happy Birthday." 573 00:34:50,157 --> 00:34:53,436 I've been doing it wrong for 34 years. 574 00:34:53,436 --> 00:34:57,612 So, I'm washing my hands at the sink in the restroom, and... 575 00:34:57,612 --> 00:35:00,098 you know, the door will swing open. A guy goes... 576 00:35:05,379 --> 00:35:08,175 "I think you're in the wrong restroom." 577 00:35:08,175 --> 00:35:09,348 And I like to answer, 578 00:35:09,348 --> 00:35:11,281 "No, I don't think I am." 579 00:35:15,872 --> 00:35:18,702 "Uh, this is the men's restroom." 580 00:35:18,702 --> 00:35:21,912 Or my favorite. I think... I don't know where I was. 581 00:35:21,912 --> 00:35:23,121 France! 582 00:35:24,881 --> 00:35:27,539 I start walking into a very crowded men's restroom, 583 00:35:27,539 --> 00:35:30,162 and a guy followed me from the door to the stall, 584 00:35:30,162 --> 00:35:32,889 going, "No, no. Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!" 585 00:35:37,204 --> 00:35:40,759 Like, what an insult to my intelligence, right? 586 00:35:41,656 --> 00:35:44,521 Like, forget that it's, like, just mean. 587 00:35:44,521 --> 00:35:46,420 But what an insult to my intelligence. 588 00:35:46,420 --> 00:35:51,873 Like, I, as a grown-ass human being, can't read a three letter sign? 589 00:35:53,599 --> 00:35:55,429 Like, I walk in, and I see the urinals, 590 00:35:55,429 --> 00:35:57,603 and I'm like, "Must be bidets." 591 00:36:03,057 --> 00:36:09,581 Like, I can't hear the cascades of red meat diarrhea sloshing out of... 592 00:36:09,581 --> 00:36:12,825 these businessmen at the airport! 593 00:36:16,277 --> 00:36:17,692 It's astounding. 594 00:36:17,692 --> 00:36:21,006 They shit like they are cheating on their toilets at home. 595 00:36:22,559 --> 00:36:26,908 They go to the airport like they've been saving it up all month. 596 00:36:26,908 --> 00:36:30,222 "Can't wait to get to that airport bathroom 597 00:36:30,222 --> 00:36:32,638 "and really dump out." 598 00:36:32,638 --> 00:36:34,571 Like I can't hear it. 599 00:36:34,571 --> 00:36:38,541 Like I'm not counting every single plop and grunt that I hear. 600 00:36:39,783 --> 00:36:43,615 Think I don't know what fucking restroom I'm in. 601 00:36:43,615 --> 00:36:46,376 No, this is the men's restroom. 602 00:36:47,515 --> 00:36:48,896 Duh! 603 00:36:50,449 --> 00:36:53,625 And it pisses me off... It pisses me off, 604 00:36:53,625 --> 00:36:56,006 because they're insulting my intelligence, 605 00:36:56,006 --> 00:36:59,734 and I'm doing what the Republicans want. 606 00:36:59,734 --> 00:37:04,291 I'm going to the restroom I was assigned at birth. 607 00:37:04,291 --> 00:37:06,465 This is what they asked me to do. 608 00:37:06,465 --> 00:37:08,640 This is what they passed laws about. 609 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:10,400 And then I'm doing it and they are like, 610 00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:12,575 "You can't be in here." 611 00:37:12,575 --> 00:37:14,542 Where do I piss? 612 00:37:21,515 --> 00:37:25,277 And it just... it blows my mind. 613 00:37:25,277 --> 00:37:27,348 It blows my mind that the same Republicans 614 00:37:27,348 --> 00:37:31,835 that are passing those laws are the ones that keep getting caught with their gay lovers, 615 00:37:31,835 --> 00:37:34,355 in those restrooms. 616 00:37:34,355 --> 00:37:36,806 Like, where is the logic there. 617 00:37:36,806 --> 00:37:39,395 Like I'm gonna cheat on my wife. 618 00:37:39,395 --> 00:37:45,055 And I'm gonna do it standing up in a stall in a room that smells like shit. 619 00:37:46,678 --> 00:37:48,818 I'm gonna cheat on my wife with a man, 620 00:37:48,818 --> 00:37:53,201 but he had a better damn be a cisgender man, 621 00:37:53,201 --> 00:37:57,827 using the bathroom that God intended him to use. 622 00:38:00,381 --> 00:38:03,936 The only thing that I used to like about airports... 623 00:38:07,285 --> 00:38:09,390 Was, you know, drinking at 10:00 a.m. 624 00:38:09,390 --> 00:38:13,152 Like, that was the only thing you like about airports. 625 00:38:13,152 --> 00:38:15,362 Like, drag queens on tour. 626 00:38:15,362 --> 00:38:17,571 Oh, just any excuse. 627 00:38:18,572 --> 00:38:19,883 There is a five minute delay. 628 00:38:19,883 --> 00:38:22,645 Well, we better go to the bar. 629 00:38:25,855 --> 00:38:29,030 My liver is still on UK time, girl. 630 00:38:32,931 --> 00:38:36,693 And we make all the justifications, like, it's a Bloody Mary. 631 00:38:38,523 --> 00:38:42,078 That's how I'm getting my fruits and vegetables in. 632 00:38:42,078 --> 00:38:43,597 It's practical. 633 00:38:44,736 --> 00:38:46,910 It's keeping the scurvy at bay. 634 00:38:48,602 --> 00:38:51,363 Now I don't even have daytime drunkenness 635 00:38:51,363 --> 00:38:53,089 to look forward to anymore, because... 636 00:38:53,089 --> 00:38:54,918 - I know. 637 00:38:57,680 --> 00:39:01,200 I am actually three years sober from alcohol. 638 00:39:03,617 --> 00:39:05,377 Thank you. 639 00:39:08,207 --> 00:39:10,278 That's so nice of you. 640 00:39:10,278 --> 00:39:14,593 That's what happens when I say that in America, I get applause. 641 00:39:14,593 --> 00:39:17,216 In the UK, I got booed off stage. 642 00:39:20,461 --> 00:39:23,533 In the concept of like clapping for someone 643 00:39:23,533 --> 00:39:25,397 for quitting something, you know. 644 00:39:25,397 --> 00:39:27,261 You stopped doing it. 645 00:39:28,573 --> 00:39:31,576 It's the most boring accomplishment I've ever had. 646 00:39:31,576 --> 00:39:37,996 But, I just can't tell you how nice it is not to be dependent on a substance anymore. 647 00:39:53,770 --> 00:39:56,083 Oh, my God. Thank God. I really needed that. 648 00:39:58,292 --> 00:40:02,434 I don't know how I was gonna get through the show without that, um... 649 00:40:03,504 --> 00:40:06,127 But when I did drink, I was pretty good at drinking. 650 00:40:07,612 --> 00:40:10,511 I was pretty good. I was a hardened alcoholic. 651 00:40:10,511 --> 00:40:12,582 As in, I only drank straight vodka. 652 00:40:12,582 --> 00:40:14,998 'Cause I thought, like, it's easier to pace myself that way. 653 00:40:14,998 --> 00:40:16,931 Nothing getting in the way. 654 00:40:16,931 --> 00:40:21,867 Nothing fooling my perception. No sugar, no bubbles. 655 00:40:21,867 --> 00:40:23,869 Just straight vodka. 656 00:40:24,801 --> 00:40:26,596 On my birthday, 657 00:40:26,596 --> 00:40:31,256 my friend went to the bartender at a bar I was working at and asked for my favorite drink. 658 00:40:31,256 --> 00:40:36,951 This was a wakeup call. They poured a tumbler of room temperature vodka. 659 00:40:38,712 --> 00:40:41,818 I was good at drinking though, um... 660 00:40:41,818 --> 00:40:46,098 I always knew how to find a discreet place to puke. 661 00:40:46,098 --> 00:40:50,171 You might think that there is no good place to puke in an elevator, but... 662 00:40:54,210 --> 00:40:56,833 Get ready for this life hack. 663 00:41:00,527 --> 00:41:04,323 You know that space between the elevator and the building, 664 00:41:04,323 --> 00:41:06,843 when the doors open up and there is that space. 665 00:41:07,775 --> 00:41:09,639 That little gap. 666 00:41:09,639 --> 00:41:12,055 And you can see all the way down the shaft. 667 00:41:14,851 --> 00:41:15,887 Listen to this. 668 00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:18,406 I hunkered down. 669 00:41:19,580 --> 00:41:22,065 And with laser precision, 670 00:41:24,412 --> 00:41:28,071 I puked directly down the gap. 671 00:41:28,071 --> 00:41:31,005 I don't know how I did it. There was no splash back. 672 00:41:31,696 --> 00:41:34,802 No one was affected by it. 673 00:41:34,802 --> 00:41:39,393 That's when I was like, "I am really good at drinking." 674 00:41:39,393 --> 00:41:41,637 I was leaving a party on the 33rd floor 675 00:41:41,637 --> 00:41:43,190 and I was like, "I gotta puke. 676 00:41:43,190 --> 00:41:44,502 "There is a gap." 677 00:41:46,434 --> 00:41:48,160 But imagine this though. 678 00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:51,992 Sometimes when I would get drunk, crazy things would happen. 679 00:41:51,992 --> 00:41:54,546 Like the first time I was at Sydney Pride. 680 00:41:54,546 --> 00:41:56,928 Sydney in Australia, ever been? 681 00:42:00,379 --> 00:42:01,553 Sydney Pride. 682 00:42:01,553 --> 00:42:03,693 I was in the VIP section. 683 00:42:03,693 --> 00:42:06,282 And in a full blown blackout, 684 00:42:06,282 --> 00:42:08,905 I haggled with some drag queen 685 00:42:08,905 --> 00:42:11,252 over the price of molly. 686 00:42:11,252 --> 00:42:15,118 Because even in a blackout I'm still a shrewd business woman. 687 00:42:21,021 --> 00:42:23,610 So I haggled her down on her molly. 688 00:42:23,610 --> 00:42:26,060 What a fucking monster, right? 689 00:42:26,060 --> 00:42:30,651 In America I can get a molly pill for 20 bucks. 690 00:42:32,826 --> 00:42:35,000 So I haggled this queen down. 691 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:37,589 Buying molly for me and my friends. 692 00:42:37,589 --> 00:42:41,041 And then I had to go to the ATM to get some cash. 693 00:42:41,041 --> 00:42:43,768 And while I was at the ATM, my friends decided, 694 00:42:43,768 --> 00:42:47,116 "We don't wanna do molly we rather do K, Ketamine." 695 00:42:47,116 --> 00:42:50,568 And, um... So then, I come back and unknowingly, 696 00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:55,089 take my first dose of Ketamine. 697 00:42:55,089 --> 00:42:59,266 Do you know what an alcoholic, narcoleptic drag queen 698 00:42:59,266 --> 00:43:03,097 doesn't need to do for the first time in a social setting? 699 00:43:03,684 --> 00:43:06,135 Horse tranquilizers. 700 00:43:12,659 --> 00:43:16,870 I was asleep on the couch for six hours. 701 00:43:16,870 --> 00:43:19,838 The only time I woke up was to apparently have an 702 00:43:19,838 --> 00:43:23,670 long unintelligible conversation with someone's cool mom, 703 00:43:23,670 --> 00:43:25,810 who'd tagged along to the party. 704 00:43:26,500 --> 00:43:28,191 It was Paula Abdul. 705 00:43:28,191 --> 00:43:29,917 It was... 706 00:43:30,815 --> 00:43:34,508 It was! It was Paula Abdul. 707 00:43:34,508 --> 00:43:37,235 That's not a bit, this happened. 708 00:43:37,235 --> 00:43:39,478 And I didn't find out until a couple months ago, 709 00:43:39,478 --> 00:43:41,515 on my podcast. 710 00:43:41,515 --> 00:43:43,275 What a revelation. 711 00:43:45,450 --> 00:43:48,556 I was like, Yeah I was completely passed out for six hours." 712 00:43:48,556 --> 00:43:50,179 And my friend was like, "Well, you did 713 00:43:50,179 --> 00:43:54,148 "have that really long uncomfortable conversation with Paula Abdul." 714 00:43:57,565 --> 00:43:59,982 "Paula Abdul was there?" 715 00:44:02,605 --> 00:44:04,227 Met her in the middle of the K. 716 00:44:04,227 --> 00:44:06,091 Puked at that party, too. 717 00:44:06,402 --> 00:44:07,541 I did. 718 00:44:07,541 --> 00:44:11,027 But I think that the reason why I... 719 00:44:11,027 --> 00:44:14,686 You know, I didn't admit for a long time that I had a problem with drinking, 720 00:44:14,686 --> 00:44:16,032 because I was a drag queen, 721 00:44:16,032 --> 00:44:18,897 and we are all fucking alcoholics. 722 00:44:18,897 --> 00:44:20,865 It's our lot in life, you know. 723 00:44:22,383 --> 00:44:24,040 It's our Polyjuice potion. 724 00:44:24,385 --> 00:44:25,904 Um... 725 00:44:25,904 --> 00:44:29,252 But I have a very specific barometer 726 00:44:29,252 --> 00:44:30,944 for what makes an alcoholic. 727 00:44:30,944 --> 00:44:35,224 And I think that's why I kept drinking the way I did for so long, because... 728 00:44:35,224 --> 00:44:40,712 Um, I was holding myself to a very specific standard that I don't recommend at all. 729 00:44:40,712 --> 00:44:43,266 Uh, so right now I'm gonna tell you this story, 730 00:44:43,266 --> 00:44:44,923 so that you can learn from it. 731 00:44:45,890 --> 00:44:48,306 It's the story of Big Gay Tom. 732 00:44:57,039 --> 00:44:58,799 Big Gay Tom. 733 00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:03,079 Was a big, gay party animal, 734 00:45:03,079 --> 00:45:07,774 who is always on his way to or from some rager. 735 00:45:07,774 --> 00:45:10,224 He was always on at least three substances. 736 00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:12,744 And he was my hero. 737 00:45:14,573 --> 00:45:17,266 One night I see Big Gay Tom at a party. 738 00:45:18,543 --> 00:45:21,132 And he goes, "Girl." 739 00:45:21,132 --> 00:45:23,928 You know, he had that raspy, hoarse gay voice. 740 00:45:26,068 --> 00:45:29,243 There's like three types of gay voice. This is like gay pride voice, 741 00:45:29,243 --> 00:45:30,313 "Girl." 742 00:45:32,764 --> 00:45:34,145 He goes, "Girl... 743 00:45:34,835 --> 00:45:36,354 "Look at my finger." 744 00:45:38,011 --> 00:45:41,359 And sure enough, his finger was in a bloody bandage and a split, 745 00:45:41,359 --> 00:45:44,776 and I said "Big Gay Tom, what happened to your finger?" 746 00:45:44,776 --> 00:45:47,227 And he says, "Girl. 747 00:45:47,227 --> 00:45:54,061 "Girl, I was so fucking fucked up, girl. 748 00:45:54,061 --> 00:45:57,409 "Girl, I tell you, I was so fucking fucked up, girl. 749 00:45:57,409 --> 00:46:00,274 "Girl, I was so fucking fucked up, girl. 750 00:46:02,690 --> 00:46:05,003 "I was so fucking fucked up, girl. 751 00:46:07,109 --> 00:46:09,180 "So fucking fucked up, girl. 752 00:46:11,216 --> 00:46:13,218 "Girl, I was so fucking fucked up. 753 00:46:14,979 --> 00:46:17,705 "I don't know, girl, I was drunk and I... 754 00:46:18,568 --> 00:46:21,123 "I fell on it and it exploded." 755 00:46:24,402 --> 00:46:25,713 "It exploded?" 756 00:46:25,713 --> 00:46:28,164 "Yeah, that's what the doctor said. 757 00:46:29,579 --> 00:46:31,167 "It exploded." 758 00:46:32,859 --> 00:46:34,584 So, for weeks after that, 759 00:46:34,584 --> 00:46:39,279 every time I saw Big Gay Tom, I got an unsolicited update on his finger. 760 00:46:40,590 --> 00:46:42,006 Sometimes it was like, 761 00:46:42,006 --> 00:46:45,975 "Jinkx girl, look at my finger. It's getting better, girl. 762 00:46:45,975 --> 00:46:48,909 "Doctor says I can take the bandage off soon, girl." 763 00:46:49,530 --> 00:46:50,808 The next time I see him, 764 00:46:50,808 --> 00:46:52,326 "Girl... 765 00:46:53,776 --> 00:46:57,331 "Look at my finger, girl, it's all fucked up, girl." 766 00:46:57,331 --> 00:47:02,129 But then it would be, "Girl, I can move it. I can move my finger, girl. 767 00:47:02,129 --> 00:47:04,062 "We're gonna be all right, girl." 768 00:47:04,752 --> 00:47:05,857 Next time, 769 00:47:05,857 --> 00:47:07,100 "Girl... 770 00:47:08,687 --> 00:47:11,276 "I fell on my finger again, girl." 771 00:47:15,902 --> 00:47:18,007 Until one day it was gone. 772 00:47:18,007 --> 00:47:20,354 - I know. 773 00:47:20,354 --> 00:47:24,807 I know it's hard to believe, but one day I ran into Big Gay Tom, 774 00:47:24,807 --> 00:47:27,154 and his finger was just gone. 775 00:47:29,087 --> 00:47:30,123 And I said, 776 00:47:31,779 --> 00:47:34,127 "Tom, what happened to your finger?" 777 00:47:35,300 --> 00:47:37,855 And he said, "Girl... 778 00:47:39,753 --> 00:47:42,894 "that finger was more trouble than it was worth." 779 00:47:53,594 --> 00:47:55,389 Can you imagine? 780 00:47:57,253 --> 00:48:01,948 He wouldn't take enough time off from partying to just let his 781 00:48:01,948 --> 00:48:04,088 finger heal itself. 782 00:48:04,088 --> 00:48:07,988 And that's the amazing thing, is it would have healed itself. 783 00:48:07,988 --> 00:48:11,336 The body is capable of miraculous things. 784 00:48:12,648 --> 00:48:14,961 But it got in the way. 785 00:48:17,411 --> 00:48:21,036 Got on the way of him having fun, so he just cut it out. 786 00:48:22,209 --> 00:48:23,590 Just like my dad. 787 00:48:27,145 --> 00:48:29,492 Two, two. 788 00:48:32,116 --> 00:48:34,118 That's not even in the script. 789 00:48:34,981 --> 00:48:36,637 It just came to me. 790 00:48:39,468 --> 00:48:40,365 Oh, my gosh. 791 00:48:40,365 --> 00:48:42,954 So, I had... I had a weird barometer 792 00:48:42,954 --> 00:48:44,300 for what makes an alcoholic. 793 00:48:44,300 --> 00:48:48,028 I thought as long as I have all my fingers, I'm okay. 794 00:48:48,028 --> 00:48:51,963 As long as I don't elect to remove an appendage, 795 00:48:52,653 --> 00:48:55,035 I'm drinking pretty good. 796 00:48:56,278 --> 00:48:58,936 And when I first quit, I was really scared 797 00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:01,179 that I was like... 798 00:49:01,179 --> 00:49:03,941 You know when you get drunk you feel like a sex goddess. 799 00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:06,495 You know? You feel so fucking sexy when you're drunk. 800 00:49:06,495 --> 00:49:08,531 You're like, you pound a shot and you're just like, 801 00:49:08,531 --> 00:49:11,086 you're on a catwalk for the rest of the night. 802 00:49:14,020 --> 00:49:17,575 And I was so scared, like, can I be sexy 803 00:49:17,575 --> 00:49:20,785 without being wasted? I know, it sounds like... 804 00:49:22,235 --> 00:49:26,066 That's drunk logic. Can I be sexy if I'm not 805 00:49:26,066 --> 00:49:29,311 stumbling down the street, 806 00:49:29,311 --> 00:49:31,451 slurring my words? 807 00:49:33,349 --> 00:49:36,042 Because I love having sex. I'm a slut. 808 00:49:39,183 --> 00:49:42,358 I know you don't wanna think about your mom having sex. 809 00:49:42,358 --> 00:49:46,535 But I'm a vibrant, sexually active woman. 810 00:49:47,777 --> 00:49:50,297 And, um... I've just always been a slut. 811 00:49:52,058 --> 00:49:54,060 I have. I've always been a slut. 812 00:49:54,060 --> 00:49:57,097 In college... Hell, in high school. 813 00:49:58,754 --> 00:50:00,859 In middle school, I was... 814 00:50:00,859 --> 00:50:03,379 I was just... I was that one queer person 815 00:50:03,379 --> 00:50:06,382 that all the straight guys experimented with. 816 00:50:06,382 --> 00:50:09,075 Oh, he just started clapping right away. 817 00:50:11,870 --> 00:50:14,494 You know, you know the struggles. 818 00:50:14,494 --> 00:50:16,427 Is that your straight friend right there? 819 00:50:19,223 --> 00:50:21,156 Oh, my gosh, every straight guy. 820 00:50:21,156 --> 00:50:23,330 Because, you know, I was just femme enough 821 00:50:23,330 --> 00:50:26,299 to, like, not threaten anything, you know. 822 00:50:26,299 --> 00:50:30,717 So every straight guy who was even barely bi-curious 823 00:50:30,717 --> 00:50:32,615 would come experiment with me. 824 00:50:33,444 --> 00:50:34,755 Yeah. 825 00:50:34,755 --> 00:50:39,001 I was like a semipermeable membrane between straight and gay. 826 00:50:41,935 --> 00:50:43,143 Straight guys would come 827 00:50:43,143 --> 00:50:46,043 clanging up against this fatty bi-lipid. 828 00:50:48,804 --> 00:50:50,426 Remember science? 829 00:50:54,465 --> 00:50:58,572 They come slamming up against this fatty bi-lipid. 830 00:50:58,572 --> 00:51:02,404 And some of them would pass on through to homosexuality. 831 00:51:04,268 --> 00:51:07,754 Some of them it was like, "you shall not pass!" 832 00:51:08,755 --> 00:51:11,516 Too much teeth, um... 833 00:51:14,933 --> 00:51:18,765 I bet you didn't know that's how homosexuality was transferred, 834 00:51:18,765 --> 00:51:20,491 through osmosis. 835 00:51:23,390 --> 00:51:28,740 So I've just always been a slut, and you know, being an ethical slut, 836 00:51:28,740 --> 00:51:33,400 being like a responsible slut, it takes practice, you know. 837 00:51:33,400 --> 00:51:38,267 Takes years of embarrassing situations. Like... 838 00:51:41,960 --> 00:51:45,550 This one summer in college... ahm. 839 00:51:47,276 --> 00:51:52,005 Drag queens love to brag about going to college. 840 00:51:52,005 --> 00:51:55,457 It's one constant among drag queens. 841 00:51:55,457 --> 00:51:57,424 I went to college... ahm. 842 00:51:59,012 --> 00:52:04,259 One summer in college, I was sleeping with this guy, he was a chef. 843 00:52:04,259 --> 00:52:08,608 He always kinda smelled like garlic, so keeper. You know. 844 00:52:08,608 --> 00:52:11,990 And we had a great sexual chemistry, and so we were... 845 00:52:11,990 --> 00:52:16,650 We were doing lot of fucking. We were doing lot of banging that summer. 846 00:52:16,650 --> 00:52:21,483 And then, you know, I don't know if you know this, but summer eventually ends. 847 00:52:21,483 --> 00:52:26,626 And so you know, our love affair, our tryst was coming to an end. 848 00:52:26,626 --> 00:52:29,629 And it was one of the last nights we were gonna be able to see each other, 849 00:52:29,629 --> 00:52:32,494 and roommates were out, so I call him up and I'm like, 850 00:52:32,494 --> 00:52:37,671 "Do you wanna come over for one last... dip in the honey pot?" 851 00:52:42,435 --> 00:52:45,196 And he said, "Yeah, I will come over, 852 00:52:45,196 --> 00:52:47,716 "but I gotta be honest with you, I've been drinking." 853 00:52:47,716 --> 00:52:51,789 I didn't know why that was like an issue, you know, I was like, 854 00:52:51,789 --> 00:52:54,171 "Whatever, call a cab." 855 00:52:57,381 --> 00:53:00,694 And so, he came over, and I... you know, 856 00:53:00,694 --> 00:53:03,214 I don't know why... I didn't know why he had specified 857 00:53:03,214 --> 00:53:06,562 that he had been drinking, but I soon found out. 858 00:53:07,874 --> 00:53:11,740 You know what whiskey dick is? 859 00:53:11,740 --> 00:53:14,018 Whiskey dick? Lesbians? 860 00:53:14,018 --> 00:53:15,675 Whiskey dick is... 861 00:53:16,952 --> 00:53:21,681 This is what Whiskey dick is. When person who has a penis 862 00:53:21,681 --> 00:53:27,031 has had too much whiskey, they might find it hard, 863 00:53:27,031 --> 00:53:31,035 no, it's the opposite. 864 00:53:31,035 --> 00:53:36,937 They might find it difficult to achieve and maintain a full blown erection. 865 00:53:36,937 --> 00:53:42,184 And it doesn't just happen with whiskey. I have seen Jager dick. 866 00:53:42,184 --> 00:53:44,842 I have seen Sauvignon Blanc dick. 867 00:53:48,432 --> 00:53:53,299 Mike's not-so-hard lemonade, you know. 868 00:53:54,610 --> 00:53:58,027 So, the chef had whiskey dick that night. 869 00:53:58,027 --> 00:53:59,788 But it was our last night together. 870 00:53:59,788 --> 00:54:04,275 So we... we just gave it the college try, you know. 871 00:54:04,275 --> 00:54:09,142 And after hours of just pulverizing his penis... 872 00:54:13,319 --> 00:54:18,151 We finally got his dick just hard enough 873 00:54:18,772 --> 00:54:20,084 to have sex. 874 00:54:20,084 --> 00:54:23,605 Just hard enough. 875 00:54:24,951 --> 00:54:29,749 Have you ever heard the expression "pushing rope"? 876 00:54:29,749 --> 00:54:33,649 We got it just hard enough, and it wasn't the best sex, 877 00:54:33,649 --> 00:54:35,858 but it got the job done. 878 00:54:35,858 --> 00:54:38,999 And then afterwards, you know, as we were redressing. 879 00:54:38,999 --> 00:54:43,003 I was sheepishly redressing, because I was raised Catholic. 880 00:54:43,003 --> 00:54:46,938 So even though I'm a slut, I am always like, I feel horrible afterwards. 881 00:54:46,938 --> 00:54:48,319 - It's like... 882 00:54:48,319 --> 00:54:50,252 It's like, I'll have the sex, 883 00:54:50,252 --> 00:54:53,600 and then I'll feel horrible for three hours afterwards. 884 00:54:55,050 --> 00:54:57,328 So fun. Um... 885 00:54:57,328 --> 00:55:02,885 So, I am redressing, we're making small talk, filling that awkward silence. 886 00:55:02,885 --> 00:55:04,335 And I'm looking around the room, 887 00:55:04,335 --> 00:55:06,924 and I said, "Wait, where is the condom? 888 00:55:06,924 --> 00:55:08,995 "I've got to throw condom away." 889 00:55:11,825 --> 00:55:18,453 And he looks me in the eyes and in menthol cool confidence, he says, 890 00:55:18,453 --> 00:55:20,800 "Oh, yeah, I think it's still inside you." 891 00:55:23,975 --> 00:55:26,978 Like it was no big deal. 892 00:55:26,978 --> 00:55:30,016 "I think it's still inside you." 893 00:55:32,501 --> 00:55:34,089 Like... 894 00:55:35,504 --> 00:55:38,576 I was so scandalized. I was shocked. 895 00:55:38,576 --> 00:55:40,716 This had never happened before. 896 00:55:40,716 --> 00:55:45,169 But I wanted to save face, so I was like... 897 00:55:47,171 --> 00:55:49,069 Weird. 898 00:55:53,833 --> 00:55:56,318 How did that happen? 899 00:55:56,318 --> 00:55:59,148 I don't know why I asked that question. 900 00:55:59,148 --> 00:56:02,704 How did that happen? I knew what happened. 901 00:56:02,704 --> 00:56:07,743 His limp dick left its trash inside of me. 902 00:56:12,748 --> 00:56:15,613 But I was trying to play it cool, so I said, 903 00:56:15,613 --> 00:56:19,928 "How did that happen?" And he... Oh, my God. He said, 904 00:56:19,928 --> 00:56:23,794 "I don't know, I think your ass is too tight." 905 00:56:30,732 --> 00:56:32,561 Excuse me? 906 00:56:33,666 --> 00:56:35,599 Too tight? 907 00:56:36,323 --> 00:56:37,946 That's the point. 908 00:56:40,086 --> 00:56:44,711 That's why it feels so good when you fuck it. It's cause it's tight. 909 00:56:46,092 --> 00:56:49,406 He tried to blame it on me. 910 00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:52,754 This floppy dick motherfucker 911 00:56:54,169 --> 00:56:56,447 tried to blame it on me. 912 00:56:57,448 --> 00:56:58,898 And I was so embarrassed. 913 00:56:58,898 --> 00:57:01,935 I would... I didn't even want to go take care of it, you know. 914 00:57:01,935 --> 00:57:04,110 I refused to go to the restroom and take care of it. 915 00:57:04,110 --> 00:57:08,494 'Cause I knew the second I did, he'd know what I was doing in there. 916 00:57:08,494 --> 00:57:11,428 Pushing a condom out of me. 917 00:57:12,325 --> 00:57:15,811 He had robbed me of my mystique. 918 00:57:19,815 --> 00:57:22,784 So I left it inside me for 45 minutes. 919 00:57:24,475 --> 00:57:26,857 While we were saying our goodbyes. 920 00:57:26,857 --> 00:57:30,861 You know, talking about what we are gonna do in the fall. And all the while 921 00:57:30,861 --> 00:57:33,484 my brain is like, "There's a condom inside of you! 922 00:57:35,417 --> 00:57:38,006 "It's still in there! 923 00:57:38,834 --> 00:57:41,388 "What's gonna happen? 924 00:57:41,388 --> 00:57:44,599 "How long can it stay there? 925 00:57:44,599 --> 00:57:50,156 "It's gonna float up to your brain. You're gonna have a stroke." 926 00:57:54,643 --> 00:57:57,094 So I decided after that encounter, 927 00:57:57,094 --> 00:58:00,097 that I would never let someone blame me 928 00:58:00,097 --> 00:58:01,995 for something they did to me. 929 00:58:01,995 --> 00:58:05,516 I feel like that's pretty simple, right? 930 00:58:07,311 --> 00:58:13,938 Don't let someone blame you for something they did to you. 931 00:58:13,938 --> 00:58:19,496 But I am happy to report that quitting drinking did not kill my sex drive. 932 00:58:19,496 --> 00:58:23,154 I'm still having lots of sex. And I remember it. 933 00:58:25,985 --> 00:58:30,679 I will tell you one thing that has definitely improved my sex life. 934 00:58:30,679 --> 00:58:34,096 Being famous, uhm... No, I'm joking. 935 00:58:34,096 --> 00:58:37,514 I'm joking. I mean... I'm not joking, but... 936 00:58:39,550 --> 00:58:41,828 You know, nothing improves a drag queen's sex life 937 00:58:41,828 --> 00:58:44,831 like going on RuPaul's Drag Race. 938 00:58:44,831 --> 00:58:50,043 My Grindr's always going off the hook. It's like... 939 00:58:50,043 --> 00:58:53,564 That's what Grindr... That's what Grindr sounds like. 940 00:58:56,981 --> 00:59:00,916 But more importantly than that. I have embraced 941 00:59:00,916 --> 00:59:02,573 my true identity. 942 00:59:02,573 --> 00:59:04,126 In the last ten years, 943 00:59:04,126 --> 00:59:08,959 you know, every year I take further steps towards my true identity. 944 00:59:08,959 --> 00:59:13,722 I identify as a trans-femme-non-binary human being. 945 00:59:13,722 --> 00:59:17,277 And it took me years to like, just even be able 946 00:59:17,277 --> 00:59:21,696 to say that to myself. And like, be chill with that, you know. 947 00:59:21,696 --> 00:59:24,215 'Cause I've been a drag queen since I was like 15. 948 00:59:24,215 --> 00:59:27,218 But I would take drag off, and I would think I'd have to put on boy drag, 949 00:59:27,218 --> 00:59:30,256 'cause I had to be boy when I'm not in drag, you know. 950 00:59:30,256 --> 00:59:34,087 I thought that only way anyone was gonna have anything to do with me 951 00:59:34,087 --> 00:59:36,814 is if I presented as male. 952 00:59:36,814 --> 00:59:41,094 And when I... When I really started to embrace my truth, 953 00:59:41,094 --> 00:59:46,444 I realized sex is so much better when you get to be yourself during it. 954 00:59:46,444 --> 00:59:49,102 You know... Like when you're not... 955 00:59:52,865 --> 00:59:57,628 Like when you're not having to like make boy noises during sex. 956 00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:01,252 I get to make the noises 957 01:00:01,252 --> 01:00:04,255 I naturally make now, and I always just thought, you know like, 958 01:00:04,255 --> 01:00:09,226 because of the way society talks to us about gender and teaches us about gender, 959 01:00:09,226 --> 01:00:10,986 you think, "Who's gonna wanna love, 960 01:00:10,986 --> 01:00:15,335 you know, that, um, shapeless sack of pizza dough that I described earlier?" 961 01:00:15,335 --> 01:00:16,958 Turns out lots... 962 01:00:16,958 --> 01:00:19,408 - Lots of people. 963 01:00:19,408 --> 01:00:20,617 Lots. 964 01:00:24,897 --> 01:00:26,726 I met my husband. 965 01:00:26,726 --> 01:00:30,074 Um... We've been married for over year now. 966 01:00:33,560 --> 01:00:38,600 See? And, um, he is British, I think I mentioned that. 967 01:00:38,600 --> 01:00:41,914 Um, I am basically bilingual now. Um... 968 01:00:43,674 --> 01:00:45,676 Marriage is all about compromise. 969 01:00:47,091 --> 01:00:50,923 I watched 13 Going on 30. 970 01:00:50,923 --> 01:00:57,412 Watching any Jennifer Garner movie is just, you know, compromise on my end. 971 01:00:57,412 --> 01:00:59,310 We were watching it and he's like, 972 01:00:59,310 --> 01:01:01,519 "Are you liking it more than you thought you would?" 973 01:01:01,519 --> 01:01:07,456 I was like, "I'm liking it the exact amount I thought I would." 974 01:01:07,456 --> 01:01:12,358 And he said, like, "Well, I'm sorry it doesn't have Babadook in it." 975 01:01:16,638 --> 01:01:21,919 I just realized, um... I told that whole story about the condom up my butt. 976 01:01:24,853 --> 01:01:28,270 Which, I am sorry if that's not the show you expected. 977 01:01:28,270 --> 01:01:32,619 I bet you thought it was all gonna be like, "Love yourself. Water off a duck's back." 978 01:01:35,105 --> 01:01:37,348 Judy Garland impressions. 979 01:01:48,325 --> 01:01:49,775 Thank you. 980 01:01:49,775 --> 01:01:53,640 Thank you. That's marvelous. It's absolutely wonderful. 981 01:01:53,640 --> 01:01:56,195 It's so nice to see you all here. 982 01:01:56,195 --> 01:01:59,612 I'm not Dorothy anymore. 983 01:01:59,612 --> 01:02:02,649 I chopped off the pigtails, you see. 984 01:02:03,029 --> 01:02:04,617 Um... 985 01:02:04,617 --> 01:02:07,378 I know you expected that probably and then you came, 986 01:02:07,378 --> 01:02:13,039 and it's like, "Let me tell you about the time I lost a condom up my butt." 987 01:02:14,316 --> 01:02:15,766 So I realized I told you 988 01:02:15,766 --> 01:02:18,873 a whole story about condom getting lost up my butt, and I... 989 01:02:18,873 --> 01:02:22,359 know that some of you are visual learners. 990 01:02:22,359 --> 01:02:25,120 And you're probably like, "I don't know how it happened." 991 01:02:26,052 --> 01:02:28,296 So I prepared a demonstration. 992 01:02:32,024 --> 01:02:33,335 Now... 993 01:02:35,061 --> 01:02:38,547 So I used to take... teach, like, safe sex lessons. 994 01:02:38,547 --> 01:02:40,342 Um, at the... 995 01:02:40,342 --> 01:02:45,037 All Ages Queer Youth Resources Center of Portland Oregon. 996 01:02:46,659 --> 01:02:50,421 And we used to do, you know, like, how to put on condom demonstration. 997 01:02:50,421 --> 01:02:54,771 So, when you are showing someone how to put on a condom on an erect penis, 998 01:02:54,771 --> 01:02:58,740 um, you can use a banana, or a cucumber. 999 01:02:59,120 --> 01:03:02,640 Um, a carrot. 1000 01:03:02,640 --> 01:03:06,403 But when you're doing whiskey dick demonstration, 1001 01:03:06,403 --> 01:03:09,993 you take the banana peel off first. 1002 01:03:12,858 --> 01:03:16,309 So for those of you who still don't know the mechanics 1003 01:03:16,309 --> 01:03:20,693 of how that condom got lost in my butt... Beautiful, pinch the tip. 1004 01:03:26,941 --> 01:03:30,668 This banana... This banana is ready 1005 01:03:30,668 --> 01:03:34,811 for some safe, consensual, responsible sex. 1006 01:03:36,502 --> 01:03:38,849 So, um... This... 1007 01:03:40,851 --> 01:03:42,301 This was his penis. 1008 01:03:43,302 --> 01:03:44,682 His whiskey dick. 1009 01:03:44,682 --> 01:03:48,825 This right here is my pristine, 1010 01:03:50,136 --> 01:03:54,796 tight, tight butthole. 1011 01:03:54,796 --> 01:03:57,868 And this is how it happened. 1012 01:04:08,499 --> 01:04:12,883 Get in there. 1013 01:04:12,883 --> 01:04:15,437 Until finally it just worked its way up. 1014 01:04:16,231 --> 01:04:17,923 And it was lost forever. 1015 01:04:26,069 --> 01:04:28,450 And now... 1016 01:04:30,383 --> 01:04:33,835 Oh, did you... You all just watched me do that. 1017 01:04:33,835 --> 01:04:37,287 You all just watched this middle aged woman in corset 1018 01:04:37,287 --> 01:04:39,496 struggle to get down... 1019 01:04:39,496 --> 01:04:42,119 No one offered any help. 1020 01:04:42,119 --> 01:04:43,500 Thanks a lot. 1021 01:04:43,500 --> 01:04:47,573 This is now a souvenir for you. You get to keep that. 1022 01:04:47,573 --> 01:04:50,196 Just tie it off. Tie it off. Oh. 1023 01:04:50,196 --> 01:04:51,473 Here is some extra. 1024 01:05:01,414 --> 01:05:03,761 So, um... 1025 01:05:03,761 --> 01:05:07,041 So, if you take away one lesson from tonight... 1026 01:05:08,318 --> 01:05:12,874 It's, um, what I said about embracing your true identity. 1027 01:05:12,874 --> 01:05:17,534 Especially when it comes to having sex, when finding sexual partners, 1028 01:05:17,534 --> 01:05:21,227 because, um, it just makes things so much better. 1029 01:05:21,227 --> 01:05:24,023 I actually wrote, um... I didn't write it. I don't... 1030 01:05:24,023 --> 01:05:26,646 Who has the time? 1031 01:05:28,648 --> 01:05:31,720 My music partner Major Scales... 1032 01:05:33,067 --> 01:05:35,207 You hear that, Major? They know your name. 1033 01:05:35,207 --> 01:05:36,242 Um... 1034 01:05:36,242 --> 01:05:37,899 Major wrote this song. 1035 01:05:37,899 --> 01:05:43,732 But it is completely written about experiences that I have had in my own life. 1036 01:05:43,732 --> 01:05:45,976 Um, and I sing it for you now. 1037 01:05:45,976 --> 01:05:48,185 So that you may learn from it. 1038 01:05:48,185 --> 01:05:49,290 You're welcome. 1039 01:05:50,049 --> 01:05:51,050 Hit it. 1040 01:05:57,022 --> 01:06:03,097 ♪ There's so much noise in the world today 1041 01:06:03,097 --> 01:06:08,481 ♪ For whatever reason we all get to have our say 1042 01:06:08,481 --> 01:06:13,452 ♪ But respect for which everybody begs 1043 01:06:13,452 --> 01:06:18,112 ♪ Is hard to find with people so concerned 1044 01:06:18,112 --> 01:06:21,184 ♪ With what's between our legs 1045 01:06:22,323 --> 01:06:26,361 ♪ Now in the past I've caused confusion 1046 01:06:26,361 --> 01:06:28,536 ♪ It's true 1047 01:06:28,536 --> 01:06:34,162 ♪ But what's the fun of living life pink or blue? 1048 01:06:34,162 --> 01:06:38,718 ♪ I say, just tell 'em all to shut up 1049 01:06:38,718 --> 01:06:45,898 ♪ And just be you 1050 01:06:48,107 --> 01:06:53,112 ♪ La da di da da da ba da 1051 01:06:53,112 --> 01:06:59,774 ♪ Now when I'm at the movies and I'm standing in line 1052 01:06:59,774 --> 01:07:05,228 ♪ I might hear some guy shout out saying "Girl, you look fine" 1053 01:07:05,228 --> 01:07:08,024 ♪ Well, I may think it's rude 1054 01:07:08,024 --> 01:07:13,063 ♪ But that old attitude makes me laugh 1055 01:07:16,170 --> 01:07:21,658 ♪ Or if I'm on the phone and I'm talking so bold 1056 01:07:21,658 --> 01:07:27,043 ♪ And that operator says to me "Ma'am, please hold" 1057 01:07:27,043 --> 01:07:29,942 ♪ Well, I know it's my voice 1058 01:07:29,942 --> 01:07:37,363 ♪ It's never been a choice for me 1059 01:07:37,363 --> 01:07:43,335 ♪ I may sound like a dame and my curves make 'em cry 1060 01:07:43,335 --> 01:07:48,857 ♪ But there is more man to me than meets the eye 1061 01:07:48,857 --> 01:07:51,860 ♪ No, I'm not either or 1062 01:07:51,860 --> 01:07:59,005 ♪ What a bore, I'm just me 1063 01:08:04,873 --> 01:08:10,465 ♪ Now when I'm at the doctor for little old check up 1064 01:08:10,465 --> 01:08:15,988 ♪ And he says I've marked the wrong box and I wanna yell, "Step up!" 1065 01:08:15,988 --> 01:08:19,095 ♪ Well, I take it in stride 1066 01:08:19,095 --> 01:08:23,444 ♪ It won't change what's inside of me 1067 01:08:23,444 --> 01:08:26,274 - Might change the results of that Pap smear though. - Shut up. 1068 01:08:26,274 --> 01:08:29,898 ♪ Or if I'm at airport security 1069 01:08:29,898 --> 01:08:32,073 ♪ And they send in some chick 1070 01:08:32,073 --> 01:08:36,767 ♪ To start patting me down until she notices my 1071 01:08:36,767 --> 01:08:40,978 ♪ Dic-tion and my grammar correct 1072 01:08:40,978 --> 01:08:48,193 ♪ I am what I elect to be 1073 01:08:48,193 --> 01:08:51,713 ♪ Now you can call me uncouth 1074 01:08:51,713 --> 01:08:54,371 ♪ Call me in a pinch hitter 1075 01:08:54,371 --> 01:08:56,994 ♪ You can call me miss, or mister 1076 01:08:56,994 --> 01:09:00,066 ♪ Just don't call me a quitter 1077 01:09:00,066 --> 01:09:02,552 ♪ I've got nothing to prove 1078 01:09:02,552 --> 01:09:04,864 ♪ Doll or dude 1079 01:09:04,864 --> 01:09:11,492 ♪ I'm just me 1080 01:09:11,492 --> 01:09:17,014 ♪ What does it matter if you're a girl, or a guy 1081 01:09:17,014 --> 01:09:22,365 ♪ What good's a label do? 1082 01:09:22,365 --> 01:09:26,610 ♪ Don't let them tell you that it's do or die 1083 01:09:26,610 --> 01:09:30,166 ♪ I say, buck up They're the fuck up 1084 01:09:30,166 --> 01:09:35,723 ♪ Don't let them put the blame on you 1085 01:09:35,723 --> 01:09:37,311 ♪ Whoa, oh, oh 1086 01:09:37,311 --> 01:09:40,383 ♪ We're both the beauty and the beast 1087 01:09:40,383 --> 01:09:43,144 ♪ We're the genie and the lamp 1088 01:09:43,144 --> 01:09:46,147 ♪ We're the tramp and we're the lady 1089 01:09:46,147 --> 01:09:49,012 ♪ Though I'm mainly just the tramp 1090 01:09:49,012 --> 01:09:53,948 ♪ Blowing up the binary 1091 01:09:53,948 --> 01:09:59,195 ♪ I'm a stiletto on a size 12 shoe 1092 01:09:59,195 --> 01:10:04,890 ♪ Enjoy the show and stick around, or screw 1093 01:10:04,890 --> 01:10:07,548 ♪ Yeah, there's nothing they can do 1094 01:10:07,548 --> 01:10:11,724 ♪ Darling, it's true 'cause I'm just 1095 01:10:11,724 --> 01:10:15,970 ♪ Me 1096 01:10:20,112 --> 01:10:27,015 ♪ Me 1097 01:10:30,674 --> 01:10:31,779 Thank you. 1098 01:10:33,125 --> 01:10:36,162 Thank you so much. You've been a wonderful crowd. 1099 01:10:36,162 --> 01:10:39,235 Thank you, all. Thank you, thank you. 1100 01:10:39,649 --> 01:10:42,238 Thank you. 1101 01:10:43,687 --> 01:10:49,383 Saint Syndrome, my pianist for the evening. 1102 01:10:49,383 --> 01:10:54,422 Thank you all so much, and um... I just want to remind you, 1103 01:10:54,422 --> 01:10:58,184 sex is so much better when you get to be yourself during it. 1104 01:10:58,184 --> 01:11:00,670 Don't let anyone slut shame you. 1105 01:11:00,670 --> 01:11:03,707 If they do, they are probably just religious and... 1106 01:11:06,814 --> 01:11:08,298 And all religions are cults. 1107 01:11:08,298 --> 01:11:09,886 Goodnight, everybody!