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[BUZZING SOUND]
[CROWD CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: You met her on season 5 of RuPaul's Drag Race
as a sleepy, neurotic queen
who wouldn't shut up about ducks.
You've seen her as the milky swamp witch
skulking around the work room on All Stars 7.
Now, get ready to see her
like you've never seen her before.
- Upright and conscious! - [PIANO PLAYING]
Please welcome, Jinkx Monsoon!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[MOUTHING]
♪ Baby
♪ I've been stompin' 'round
♪ In these heels for all the goddamn day
♪ I got
♪ Aches and annoyance from livin' to earn my pay
♪ And some peace and quiet from you
♪ Would really go a long way
♪ So ease it down
♪ You see, I'm tired
♪ I'm spent
♪ I'm really feelin' my age
♪ You know life is twice as hard
♪ When you're livin' half on the stage
♪ And I barely have the energy to sing you this song
♪ So let's get some cartoons and vodka
♪ And do 'em all night long
♪ Ooh, boy
♪ Are you ready for some fun?
♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down
♪ Ooh
♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down
♪ Ooh
♪ You can call me juvenile
♪ But I'm picky on how I spend my time
♪ Don't you know
♪ it takes two crates of makeup
♪ To go out lookin' this fine
♪ I don't work these nails to the bone
♪ To hear you squabble and whine
♪ So help me out
♪ You see, I'm hot
♪ I'm wet and it's really not fair
♪ Takes more than a tall cool glass of you
♪ There, honey to bring me up for air
♪ And I've been too blown to rest these bones
♪ For a long country mile
♪ So let's get some cartoons and vodka
♪ And put 'em on for a while
♪ Ooh, boy
♪ Gimme some of that smile
♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down
♪ Ooh
♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down
♪ Ooh
Saint Syndrome on piano, everybody.
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Ooh-ho, boy!
♪ Are you ready for some fun?
♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down
♪ Ooh
♪ Drink 'em down Drink 'em down Drink 'em down
♪ Ooh
Hi, everyone. I'm Jinkx Monsoon.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
- [MONSOON LAUGHING] - [CROWD CHEERING]
Oh!
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
COVID!
Okay, now that we got that out of the way.
I feel like you have to address it, right?
I didn't know how to bring it up
without making us all sad.
But I felt like it's my responsibility,
as a voice for the people, to at least acknowledge that it happened.
Like, that happened.
When it happened, I went through all the drag queen stages of grief.
Okay, there is only stage,
and it's wondering, "How is this going to affect me...
"directly?"
It's really hard to just watch my calendar
just like, gigs just started disappearing left and right.
Like my dad.
- And, um... [LAUGHS] - [CROWD LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
Is it too early in the show for a broken family joke?
I mean,
I don't think you're here 'cause you're well adjusted.
- [CROWD CHEERS] - [MONSOON LAUGHS]
Dads are so optional these days.
[SIGHS]
Watching all my gigs disappear.
And I really thought 2020 was gonna be my year, you know?
Like, I was all set up for a great year.
I had, um, just gotten a hair transplant,
How does it look?
[AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
I had finally justified the huge splurge
that is, getting a hair transplant, you know?
Because I had so many gigs lined up right afterwards.
I was gonna make it all back!
I was, you know, in a committed relationship.
I'm now married.
Ooh!
See! My wedding ring. This is the proof.
I was in a committed relationship
with my hung British husband.
More on that later.
It takes a while to talk about it, but, um...
I really thought 2020 was gonna be my year.
You know, I was all set up.
And, then, I know I sho... I don't know why I'm complaining.
You know, like, we all went through this.
But...
I had to start living at home.
[SIGHS SOFTLY]
Like, for someone who's just been constantly on the road
for 10 years, imagine the adjustment
to, just like, living at home.
[SCOFFS]
I realized there are so many things that I'd forgotten how to do.
Like, answering phone calls...
and reading physical mail,
Brushing my teeth.
It was a lot to take on.
I became quiet a hermit.
And just to be safe, while social distancing,
I really played it safe. I even avoided eye contact.
It was an introvert's holiday.
And now, we are coming out of the pan... Are we?
I still don't know.
One day, we just arbitrarily, we're like, "It's done!"
"It's over, y'all!"
Start sucking dick and spitting' on each other again.
[CHUCKLES] It's done.
And now, I don't know...
I don't know. It's so funny that we live in this time that people are,
you know, "people"... Republicans are
actively trying to strip away our rights,
while so many straight people are starting to embrace the gay lifestyle,
in ways they never have before.
Okay. And I'm not against it.
Who's straight here?
Yeah, [CHUCKLES] you think in my audience.
We got three!
We got three... Three or four.
You're out on your, "Once a year day!
"The kids are at home.
"I'm gonna see a drag show!"
I don't mind that straight people are embracing
the queer lifestyle more and more,
but I do have some requests.
Straight girls...
stop doing poppers on the dance floor.
That's cultural appropriation, and I don't appreciate it.
[SOFTLY] Poppers on the dance floor.
And, I'm sorry. But...
straights.
Sorry.
You.
Straight people,
kindly stop eating ass.
Do you know how hard we worked for that?
We fought for years
for the right to eat ass.
You can't just come in late and start reaping the benefits
of years of gay rights movements.
Marsha P. Johnson marched on Washington
so that we could eat ass.
No. Ass eating is great. Everyone should try it.
I'm gonna go off-script for a second,
because there's just...
I don't know if you know this, but I can see you.
Um...
I know it's been, like, two years without going out to live theater,
but I can literally see all of you.
This isn't TV.
So I need you to just constantly be smiling and laughing.
Okay?
'Cause I'm a Virgo, I'm gonna look out in this crowd
and see that one person wearing glasses with the beard
right there, who's just, the whole show, been like...
Like, looking for cues for when to laugh.
I'm talking about eating ass.
Just... crack a smile.
Are you wearing a corset?
No!
So, just smile, damn it.
I know I shouldn't tell people how to experience things.
If you want to just sit there,
make me feel horrible about myself
through the whole show, that's your prerogative.
But, now, a famous person hates you.
So...
What's your name, darling?
What?
- Harris? - MAN: Harris.
Ha-Harris? Harris?
Okay. That's a stupid name.
I'm sorry.
Harris, I'll find you on Grindr after this.
It's okay.
I just came back from the UK.
[PIANO PLAYING BRITISH MUSIC]
That's a UK song.
I did just come back from the UK.
That's not just a bit I'm doing. That's real.
That's why I'm standing on the right side of the stage right now.
The UK.
[SIGHS]
When I was young, I thought it was so fancy, right?
Just anything British is just inherently fancier than America, right?
The UK. [SCOFFS]
The UK is just the US with bad lighting.
It's like...
I don't know if anyone here is British.
So, sorry if you're feeling, like, called out right now.
But they do this thing, where, instead of "hello",
like a decent person would say to someone on the street.
Instead of, like, "Hello, how are you?"
They go,
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] "You okay?
"You all right?"
[IN NORMAL ACCENT] And as an alcoholic,
that is, like, really triggering.
To just start a conversation like that?
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] "You okay?"
[SHOUTS ANGRILY IN NORMAL ACCENT] "You don't know me!
"You don't know what I did last night!"
And I'm a Virgo. I'm highly anxious.
So, I always think I must've done something.
Like... [IN ENGLISH ACCENT] "You okay?"
[IN NORMAL ACCENT] "I'm sorry, whatever it is."
That's just how they start a conversation.
Isn't that gross?
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] "You all right?"
But, I think the thing that pisses me off the most about the UK...
I know. What a place of privilege, right?
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Well, the thing that pisses me off the most
about travelling to the UK. Ever been?
One of the things that really irritates me about British people
is their inability to grasp the concept
of a Subway sandwich shop.
They... they...
They don't know how it works.
Sometimes, I'll be late for a sound check,
and I'm standing behind
fucking flouncy totin' bottom up there,
trying to order a sandwich from Subway.
I know this makes me sound like absolute trash.
I'm like...
Before sound check, I always stop off at a Subway
and get my compulsory Footlong before the show.
But, standing behind this British person who doesn't know
how it works, asking, like,
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] "What comes on the Turkey Breast sandwich?"
[IN MALE VOICE] "Anything you like, ma'am."
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] "Does it come with tomatoes?
"'Cause I don't like tomatoes.
"I don't like tomatoes."
[IN MALE VOICE] "Comes with whatever you want on it, ma'am."
"You pick the toppings"
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] "I don't want any tomatoes though.
"No tomatoes."
[IN MALE VOICE] "It's a good call.
"The tomatoes look rather poorly here."
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] "What's all them green bits there?"
[IN MALE VOICE] "That's lettuce, ma'am."
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] "Salad?
"On a sandwich?
"Huh!
"It's not even Saint Crispin's feast day"
"You know what I hate about international travel?"
[IN NORMAL ACCENT] I just can't get over that.
I don't know if you can tell just by looking at me,
but I'm from Portland, Oregon.
- [GIGGLES] - [AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS]
Oh, good! We have some. Are you from Portland?
So humble over there, clapping for yourself.
I was born and raised in Portland.
I moved away,
and then I came back,
because Portlanders are like the Amish on Rumspringa.
Ninety percent of them come back after they, like, sow their wild oats.
It's funnier if you're from Portland.
Fuck you!
That joke kills in Portland!
Why aren't you Portland?
I moved back to Portland.
I always had the plan of moving back to Portland.
I always planned on it,
because I want to raise my kids there.
Because I was raised in Portland,
I was able to come out at a very young age.
I had a lot of resources. I knew other queer people.
It was a very good place to grow up queer.
Portland, Oregon.
So, I've always wanted to raise kids there if I ever have them.
And I kind of have this plan.
This is, like, the most Portland-y thing.
I'm gonna have a gender-reveal party, okay?
[SHUDDERS MOCKINGLY]
[MOCKINGLY] Boo!
Hiss!
I want to have a gender-reveal party in Portland,
and I want to make a big deal about it.
Like, "Come to my gender-reveal party for my baby."
And get everyone coming to this party
and be really, really excited.
I'll bring out the big cake,
and I'll be, like, "Are you all ready?
"We're gonna find out the gender of my baby!
"Are you ready?"
And then, I cut into the cake
and pull out a slice, and it's just white.
And everyone is, like, "Huh?"
"What gender is that?"
And then, I just start taking fistfuls of the cake and going,
[IN ANGRY VOICE] "Fuck you!
"How dare you?
"How dare you come to this party,
"supporting the construct of gender
"as it's been mandated by our oppressive overlords?
"You complacent asshole!
"How dare you think I would raise my child
"in a gendered world?"
[IN GENTLE VOICE] "But the cake?"
I know. Okay. So, I've used the word "queer" a lot tonight,
and I don't know where we all stand with the word "queer".
I was raised believing it was a, um, you know,
a reclaimed word, an umbrella term,
for anyone who is not straight.
But I know, you know, different people come
from different parts of the world,
and they have different experiences with the word "queer".
But, I have to use the word "queer"
to just explain the multitudes
in which I'm not straight.
It's like, "Gay doesn't cut it for me, okay?"
And I know what you see right now.
I know what you're looking at right now
is a gorgeous, cis-gendered woman.
And you're brain...
You see a mature woman of a certain age,
and your brain is like,
"Queer? What?"
But I use the word "queer",
because, you know, trademark gay, it just doesn't cut it for me.
You know, I'm not gay, as in, "I like to suck cock",
but queer, as in, "I'm just a hole, sir."
Not gay, as in, like, "Brunch with the girls",
but queer, as in, "Feed me, Seymour.
"Feed me now!"
I'm not gay, as in, like, "I'm gonna do drag on Halloween",
but queer, as in, "I am Christine Baranski."
I just am her.
I'm not gay, as in, like, "Yaas!"
But queer, as in... [RAMBLES GIBBERISH]
[CONTINUES RAMBLING]
Very queer.
You know, representation in the media is so important.
I think, you know, gay people and queer people are alike.
We only recently started having, like, really good representation
in the media.
And, for so long, you know, we had to find representation
in things that weren't actually meant to be queer representation,
but we saw it. We saw it.
You know, like, those trademark gays, they saw themselves
in Peter Pan,
you know, the eternal twink wearing leggings,
hanging out in the woods
with the lost boys, you know.
Queer people,
we saw ourselves in movies like Addams Family Values.
[PIANO PLAYING "ADDAMS FAMILY THEME"]
It was Pavlovian.
You know, like, lipstick lesbians saw themselves
in Morticia Addams,
suburban Hot Topic shoppers saw themselves in Wednesday,
fisting enthusiasts saw themselves in Thing.
I've always seen myself as Debbie Jellinsky.
I'm trusting you all saw this,
'cause Addams Family Values is arguable the queerest
Addams Family film in the Addams Family franchise.
And, you know, at a very young age,
Debbie Jellinsky really resonated with me.
Played by the unsung queer icon, Joan Cusack.
I resonate with this character so much that
I even wrote a song about it, and...
I'm gonna sing that song for you now.
Hit it!
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ I don't wanna hurt anybody
♪ I don't enjoy hurting anybody
♪ I don't like guns, or bombs or electric chairs
♪ But sometimes people just won't listen
♪ And so I have to use persuasion
♪ And slides
♪ My parents generous, doting
♪ Or were they?
♪ All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie
♪ In her pretty pink tutu
♪ My birthday I was ten
♪ And do you know what they got me?
♪ Malibu Barbie
♪ That's not what I wanted
♪ That's not who I was
♪ I was a ballerina
♪ Graceful! Delicate!
♪ They had to go
♪ 'Cause what about Debbie?
♪ What about me?
♪ They're the ones who killed my childhood
♪ And I get the third degree?
♪ I've always said that love is war as far as I can see
♪ So what about Debbie?
♪ What about me?
♪ My first husband The heart surgeon
♪ All day long
♪ Coronaries, transplants
♪ Sorry about dinner, Deb
♪ The Pope has a cold
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
♪ Husband two
♪ The senator
♪ He loved his state He loved his country
♪ Sorry, Debbie No Mercedes this year
♪ We have to set an example
♪ Oh, yeah?
♪ Set this!
♪ 'Cause what about Debbie?
♪ What about me?
♪ He thought the car we had was fine
♪ Until it pinned him to a tree
♪ You know we all deserve a little respect and courtesy
♪ So what about Debbie?
♪ What about me?
♪ You took me in
♪ You accepted me
♪ But did any of you love me?
♪ I mean, really love me?
♪ So I killed
♪ So I maimed
♪ So I destroyed one innocent life after another
♪ Aren't I a human being?
♪ Don't I yearn and ache, and shop?
♪ Don't I deserve love? And jewelry?
♪ Yeah, don't forget Debbie
♪ Don't forget me
♪ I sure hope you enjoyed our little chat
♪ 'Cause I'm the last face you'll see
♪ And when you're burning with the rest of them
♪ Your final thoughts will be
♪ What about Debbie?
♪ What about me?
♪ Oooh!
♪ Goodbye, everyone
♪ Wish me luck
[CROWD CHEERING]
Thank you.
[MIMICS JOAN CUSACK] Joan Cusack...
Oh, wow!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, no. That became Jennifer Coolidge for a second.
[MIMICS JOAN CUSACK] Wow.
You look great.
Wow.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] We discover a lot about ourselves
through media, you know.
Sometimes, things we didn't realize
we were gonna discover about ourselves.
We're not responsible
for what happens when we watch certain movies.
Okay?
I think it's time that Disney takes some responsibility.
Disney is responsible for my foot fetish.
Sorry!
I used to be more nervous to talk about my foot fetish,
but it's, like, so mainstream these days.
You know, like, every Instagrammer, like,
posts pics of their feet now, so I feel comfortable telling you.
Disney is responsible for my foot fetish.
Um, the movie was the Beauty and the Beast.
When I was watching Beauty and the Beast,
and that scene where
Gaston comes swaggering into Belle's hut,
giant dick slapping back and forth
as he walks in.
I assume.
No one with a chin that big doesn't have a dick to match, right?
As I've found.
When Gaston came swaggering into that hut,
I saw that. I was like, "Yaas, Gaston, yaas!"
"I will be your brood mother.
"You can go hunt, and I'll have babies."
But...
more disturbingly,
when he pushed off those big muddy boots,
slammed his feet up on the table,
and there was that one big toe sticking out of that sock.
Oh, don't pretend like you don't remember the toe!
Don't act like that toe isn't burned into your memories for all time.
You know the toe!
When I saw that one big toe,
sticking out of that sock, it was like,
♪ Something has changed within me
♪ Something is not the same
Disney is responsible for my foot fetish!
And I'm pretty sure they are responsible for furries, too.
But...
But, um, that's all I'm gonna say about that.
Not gonna poke that bear.
[INAUDIBLE]
Bear! Get it?
- She was talking about furries. - [PLAYS PIANO]
So, I've known I was queer for a very long time.
I've known I was genderqueer for a very long time.
I came out as a non-binary in my early twenties.
And I just get progressively femmer and femmer every year.
And I got to say, there is one place.
It's just, it's rough.
It's rough to be non-binary at airports.
It fucking sucks!
Airports are the most gender-phobic place you'll ever experience.
Every single airport. Terrible!
Airports are hellmouths.
When you go through TSA, the security checkpoint
as a gender non-binary, genderqueer, like, non-descript person.
When you look like me, out of drag.
Do you know what I look like out of drag?
You know, just like, androgynous, shapeless sack of pizza dough.
Just like...
rising out of Spanx leggings, you know,
that I bought at the airport.
When you go through TSA as a genderqueer person,
they, like, flip a coin, and you get in that machine,
and they gender you.
And then, they freak out when they got it wrong.
They're, like, mad at you that they misgendered you.
And, like, one specific time... [CLEARS THROAT]
I was mortified.
I went through, you know, that radiation pod.
[INAUDIBLE]
[CRYING] "No, there is nothing in my pockets. Just do it."
Like, you're taking a Silkwood shower in the middle of the...
[CRYING]
I step out of the radiation pod,
and the TSA agent just starts screaming,
[SHOUTING] "We have a groin anomaly!"
Like, that loud.
[SHOUTING] "We got a groin anomaly!
"We're gonna need a pat down on this groin anomaly over here.
"Yup, we got a flip-flop."
A groin anomaly. Just shouting it!
Pointing at me and shouting,
[SHOUTING] "We got a groin anomaly!"
And everyone else in security is looking at me, like,
"What could the groin anomaly be?"
"We got a groin..."
This... That can't be protocol, right? Like...
Can you imagine reading the handbook?
And it's like, "If you encounter someone
"with genitalia that doesn't match your expectations of that person,
"be sure to single them out and start screaming about it."
[SHOUTING] "We got a groin anomaly!
"Everybody down!" [CHUCKLES]
Harris, if you want to find me on Grindr after this,
its Groinanomaly87, okay?
Remember that.
I own it!
I choose to own it!
But even worse than security is
bathrooms, restrooms, toilets.
Airport bathrooms are the nexus of all evil.
It's like, "Where do you go when you're a genderqueer person?"
I choose to go into the men's room.
You know, because if I'm gonna make someone uncomfortable with my presence,
I'd rather it be men.
So, I use the men's restroom, you know.
And, oh, my God!
My favorite is, I'm standing there washing my hands,
singing Happy Birthday twice, you know,
like the CDC says. [CHUCKLES]
I don't think I'd ever washed my hands before the pandemic.
Does anyone else feel like that?
Like, during the pandemic, I was, like, "One.
"Sing Happy Birthday."
I've been doing it wrong for 34 years.
So, I'm washing my hands at the sink in the restroom, and...
you know, the door will swing open. A guy goes...
[IN MALE VOICE] "I think you're in the wrong restroom."
And I like to answer,
[IN MALE VOICE] "No, I don't think I am."
[IN MALE VOICE] "Uh, this is the men's restroom."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Or my favorite. I think... I don't know where I was.
France!
I start walking into a very crowded men's restroom,
and a guy followed me from the door to the stall,
going, "No, no. Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!"
Like, what an insult to my intelligence, right?
Like, forget that it's, like, just mean.
But what an insult to my intelligence.
Like, I, as a grown-ass human being, can't read a three letter sign?
Like, I walk in, and I see the urinals,
and I'm like, "Must be bidets."
Like, I can't hear the cascades of red meat diarrhea sloshing out of...
these businessmen at the airport!
It's astounding.
They shit like they are cheating on their toilets at home.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
They go to the airport like they've been saving it up all month.
[IN MALE VOICE] "Can't wait to get to that airport bathroom
"and really dump out."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Like I can't hear it.
Like I'm not counting every single plop and grunt that I hear.
Think I don't know what fucking restroom I'm in.
[IN MALE VOICE] No, this is the men's restroom.
[SCREAMS] Duh!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] And it pisses me off... It pisses me off,
because they're insulting my intelligence,
and I'm doing what the Republicans want.
I'm going to the restroom I was assigned at birth.
This is what they asked me to do.
This is what they passed laws about.
And then I'm doing it and they are like,
[IN MALE VOICE] "You can't be in here."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Where do I piss?
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
And it just... it blows my mind.
It blows my mind that the same Republicans
that are passing those laws are the ones that keep getting caught with their gay lovers,
in those restrooms.
Like, where is the logic there.
[IN MALE VOICE] Like I'm gonna cheat on my wife.
And I'm gonna do it standing up in a stall in a room that smells like shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I'm gonna cheat on my wife with a man,
but he had a better damn be a cisgender man,
using the bathroom that God intended him to use.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] The only thing that I used to like about airports...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Was, you know, drinking at 10:00 a.m.
Like, that was the only thing you like about airports.
Like, drag queens on tour.
Oh, just any excuse.
There is a five minute delay.
[IN MALE VOICE] Well, we better go to the bar.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] My liver is still on UK time, girl.
[LAUGHS]
And we make all the justifications, like, it's a Bloody Mary.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
That's how I'm getting my fruits and vegetables in.
It's practical.
It's keeping the scurvy at bay.
Now I don't even have daytime drunkenness
to look forward to anymore, because...
- [AUDIENCE BOOING] - I know.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I am actually three years sober from alcohol.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you.
That's so nice of you.
That's what happens when I say that in America, I get applause.
In the UK, I got booed off stage.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
In the concept of like clapping for someone
for quitting something, you know.
You stopped doing it.
[LAUGHS]
It's the most boring accomplishment I've ever had.
But, I just can't tell you how nice it is not to be dependent on a substance anymore.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Oh, my God. Thank God. I really needed that.
I don't know how I was gonna get through the show without that, um...
But when I did drink, I was pretty good at drinking.
I was pretty good. I was a hardened alcoholic.
As in, I only drank straight vodka.
'Cause I thought, like, it's easier to pace myself that way.
Nothing getting in the way.
Nothing fooling my perception. No sugar, no bubbles.
Just straight vodka.
On my birthday,
my friend went to the bartender at a bar I was working at and asked for my favorite drink.
This was a wakeup call. They poured a tumbler of room temperature vodka.
I was good at drinking though, um...
I always knew how to find a discreet place to puke.
You might think that there is no good place to puke in an elevator, but...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Get ready for this life hack.
You know that space between the elevator and the building,
when the doors open up and there is that space.
That little gap.
And you can see all the way down the shaft.
Listen to this.
I hunkered down.
And with laser precision,
I puked directly down the gap.
I don't know how I did it. There was no splash back.
No one was affected by it.
That's when I was like, "I am really good at drinking."
I was leaving a party on the 33rd floor
and I was like, "I gotta puke.
"There is a gap."
But imagine this though.
Sometimes when I would get drunk, crazy things would happen.
Like the first time I was at Sydney Pride.
Sydney in Australia, ever been?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Sydney Pride.
I was in the VIP section.
And in a full blown blackout,
I haggled with some drag queen
over the price of molly.
Because even in a blackout I'm still a shrewd business woman.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
So I haggled her down on her molly.
What a fucking monster, right?
In America I can get a molly pill for 20 bucks.
So I haggled this queen down.
Buying molly for me and my friends.
And then I had to go to the ATM to get some cash.
And while I was at the ATM, my friends decided,
"We don't wanna do molly we rather do K, Ketamine."
And, um... So then, I come back and unknowingly,
take my first dose of Ketamine.
Do you know what an alcoholic, narcoleptic drag queen
doesn't need to do for the first time in a social setting?
Horse tranquilizers.
I was asleep on the couch for six hours.
The only time I woke up was to apparently have an
long unintelligible conversation with someone's cool mom,
who'd tagged along to the party.
It was Paula Abdul.
It was...
It was! It was Paula Abdul.
That's not a bit, this happened.
And I didn't find out until a couple months ago,
on my podcast.
What a revelation.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was like, Yeah I was completely passed out for six hours."
And my friend was like, "Well, you did
"have that really long uncomfortable conversation with Paula Abdul."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Paula Abdul was there?"
Met her in the middle of the K.
Puked at that party, too.
I did.
But I think that the reason why I...
You know, I didn't admit for a long time that I had a problem with drinking,
because I was a drag queen,
and we are all fucking alcoholics.
It's our lot in life, you know.
It's our Polyjuice potion.
Um...
But I have a very specific barometer
for what makes an alcoholic.
And I think that's why I kept drinking the way I did for so long, because...
Um, I was holding myself to a very specific standard that I don't recommend at all.
Uh, so right now I'm gonna tell you this story,
so that you can learn from it.
It's the story of Big Gay Tom.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Big Gay Tom.
Was a big, gay party animal,
who is always on his way to or from some rager.
He was always on at least three substances.
And he was my hero.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
One night I see Big Gay Tom at a party.
And he goes, [DEEP VOICE] "Girl."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You know, he had that raspy, hoarse gay voice.
[LAUGHS]
There's like three types of gay voice. This is like gay pride voice,
[DEEP VOICE] "Girl."
[LAUGHS]
He goes, [DEEP VOICE] "Girl...
"Look at my finger."
And sure enough, his finger was in a bloody bandage and a split,
and I said "Big Gay Tom, what happened to your finger?"
And he says, [DEEP VOICE] "Girl.
"Girl, I was so fucking fucked up, girl.
"Girl, I tell you, I was so fucking fucked up, girl.
[SCREAMING] "Girl, I was so fucking fucked up, girl.
[SCREAMING] "I was so fucking fucked up, girl.
[SCREAMING] "So fucking fucked up, girl.
"Girl, I was so fucking fucked up.
"I don't know, girl, I was drunk and I...
"I fell on it and it exploded."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] "It exploded?"
[IN BIG GAY TOM VOICE] "Yeah, that's what the doctor said.
"It exploded."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] So, for weeks after that,
every time I saw Big Gay Tom, I got an unsolicited update on his finger.
Sometimes it was like,
"Jinkx girl, look at my finger. It's getting better, girl.
"Doctor says I can take the bandage off soon, girl."
The next time I see him,
[DEEP VOICE] "Girl...
"Look at my finger, girl, it's all fucked up, girl."
But then it would be, "Girl, I can move it. I can move my finger, girl.
"We're gonna be all right, girl."
Next time,
[DEEP VOICE] "Girl...
"I fell on my finger again, girl."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Until one day it was gone.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - I know.
I know it's hard to believe, but one day I ran into Big Gay Tom,
and his finger was just gone.
And I said,
"Tom, what happened to your finger?"
And he said, "Girl...
[DEEP VOICE] "that finger was more trouble than it was worth."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Can you imagine?
He wouldn't take enough time off from partying to just let his
finger heal itself.
And that's the amazing thing, is it would have healed itself.
The body is capable of miraculous things.
But it got in the way.
Got on the way of him having fun, so he just cut it out.
Just like my dad.
[LAUGHS]
Two, two.
That's not even in the script.
It just came to me.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my gosh.
So, I had... I had a weird barometer
for what makes an alcoholic.
I thought as long as I have all my fingers, I'm okay.
As long as I don't elect to remove an appendage,
I'm drinking pretty good.
And when I first quit, I was really scared
that I was like...
You know when you get drunk you feel like a sex goddess.
You know? You feel so fucking sexy when you're drunk.
You're like, you pound a shot and you're just like,
you're on a catwalk for the rest of the night.
And I was so scared, like, can I be sexy
without being wasted? I know, it sounds like...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's drunk logic. Can I be sexy if I'm not
stumbling down the street,
slurring my words?
Because I love having sex. I'm a slut.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I know you don't wanna think about your mom having sex.
But I'm a vibrant, sexually active woman.
And, um... I've just always been a slut.
I have. I've always been a slut.
In college... Hell, in high school.
In middle school, I was...
I was just... I was that one queer person
that all the straight guys experimented with.
Oh, he just started clapping right away.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, you know the struggles.
Is that your straight friend right there?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my gosh, every straight guy.
Because, you know, I was just femme enough
to, like, not threaten anything, you know.
So every straight guy who was even barely bi-curious
would come experiment with me.
Yeah.
I was like a semipermeable membrane between straight and gay.
Straight guys would come
clanging up against this fatty bi-lipid.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Remember science?
They come slamming up against this fatty bi-lipid.
And some of them would pass on through to homosexuality.
Some of them it was like, "you shall not pass!"
Too much teeth, um...
I bet you didn't know that's how homosexuality was transferred,
through osmosis.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I've just always been a slut, and you know, being an ethical slut,
being like a responsible slut, it takes practice, you know.
Takes years of embarrassing situations. Like...
[ALL LAUGHING]
This one summer in college... ahm.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Drag queens love to brag about going to college.
It's one constant among drag queens.
I went to college... ahm.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
One summer in college, I was sleeping with this guy, he was a chef.
He always kinda smelled like garlic, so keeper. You know.
And we had a great sexual chemistry, and so we were...
We were doing lot of fucking. We were doing lot of banging that summer.
And then, you know, I don't know if you know this, but summer eventually ends.
And so you know, our love affair, our tryst was coming to an end.
And it was one of the last nights we were gonna be able to see each other,
and roommates were out, so I call him up and I'm like,
"Do you wanna come over for one last... dip in the honey pot?"
[ALL LAUGHING]
And he said, "Yeah, I will come over,
"but I gotta be honest with you, I've been drinking."
I didn't know why that was like an issue, you know, I was like,
"Whatever, call a cab."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And so, he came over, and I... you know,
I don't know why... I didn't know why he had specified
that he had been drinking, but I soon found out.
You know what whiskey dick is?
Whiskey dick? Lesbians?
Whiskey dick is...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This is what Whiskey dick is. When person who has a penis
has had too much whiskey, they might find it hard,
no, it's the opposite.
They might find it difficult to achieve and maintain a full blown erection.
And it doesn't just happen with whiskey. I have seen Jager dick.
I have seen Sauvignon Blanc dick.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Mike's not-so-hard lemonade, you know.
So, the chef had whiskey dick that night.
But it was our last night together.
So we... we just gave it the college try, you know.
And after hours of just pulverizing his penis...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We finally got his dick just hard enough
to have sex.
Just hard enough.
Have you ever heard the expression "pushing rope"?
We got it just hard enough, and it wasn't the best sex,
but it got the job done.
And then afterwards, you know, as we were redressing.
I was sheepishly redressing, because I was raised Catholic.
So even though I'm a slut, I am always like, I feel horrible afterwards.
- It's like... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's like, I'll have the sex,
and then I'll feel horrible for three hours afterwards.
So fun. Um...
So, I am redressing, we're making small talk, filling that awkward silence.
And I'm looking around the room,
and I said, "Wait, where is the condom?
"I've got to throw condom away."
And he looks me in the eyes and in menthol cool confidence, he says,
"Oh, yeah, I think it's still inside you."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like it was no big deal.
"I think it's still inside you."
Like...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was so scandalized. I was shocked.
This had never happened before.
But I wanted to save face, so I was like... [LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Weird.
[ALL LAUGHING]
How did that happen?
I don't know why I asked that question.
How did that happen? I knew what happened.
His limp dick left its trash inside of me.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
But I was trying to play it cool, so I said,
"How did that happen?" And he... Oh, my God. He said,
"I don't know, I think your ass is too tight."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Excuse me?
Too tight?
That's the point.
That's why it feels so good when you fuck it. It's cause it's tight.
He tried to blame it on me.
This floppy dick motherfucker
tried to blame it on me.
And I was so embarrassed.
I would... I didn't even want to go take care of it, you know.
I refused to go to the restroom and take care of it.
'Cause I knew the second I did, he'd know what I was doing in there.
Pushing a condom out of me.
He had robbed me of my mystique.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I left it inside me for 45 minutes.
While we were saying our goodbyes.
You know, talking about what we are gonna do in the fall. And all the while
my brain is like, "There's a condom inside of you!
"It's still in there!
"What's gonna happen?
"How long can it stay there?
"It's gonna float up to your brain. You're gonna have a stroke."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I decided after that encounter,
that I would never let someone blame me
for something they did to me.
I feel like that's pretty simple, right?
Don't let someone blame you for something they did to you.
But I am happy to report that quitting drinking did not kill my sex drive.
I'm still having lots of sex. And I remember it.
[GIGGLES]
I will tell you one thing that has definitely improved my sex life.
Being famous, uhm... No, I'm joking.
I'm joking. I mean... I'm not joking, but...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, nothing improves a drag queen's sex life
like going on RuPaul's Drag Race.
My Grindr's always going off the hook. It's like... [GIBBERING]
That's what Grindr... That's what Grindr sounds like.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[GIBBERING]
But more importantly than that. I have embraced
my true identity.
In the last ten years,
you know, every year I take further steps towards my true identity.
I identify as a trans-femme-non-binary human being.
And it took me years to like, just even be able
to say that to myself. And like, be chill with that, you know.
'Cause I've been a drag queen since I was like 15.
But I would take drag off, and I would think I'd have to put on boy drag,
'cause I had to be boy when I'm not in drag, you know.
I thought that only way anyone was gonna have anything to do with me
is if I presented as male.
And when I... When I really started to embrace my truth,
I realized sex is so much better when you get to be yourself during it.
You know... Like when you're not...
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
Like when you're not having to like make boy noises during sex.
I get to make the noises
I naturally make now, and I always just thought, you know like,
because of the way society talks to us about gender and teaches us about gender,
you think, "Who's gonna wanna love,
you know, that, um, shapeless sack of pizza dough that I described earlier?"
Turns out lots...
- Lots of people. - [AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
Lots.
I met my husband.
Um... We've been married for over year now.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
See? And, um, he is British, I think I mentioned that.
Um, I am basically bilingual now. Um...
Marriage is all about compromise.
I watched 13 Going on 30.
Watching any Jennifer Garner movie is just, you know, compromise on my end.
We were watching it and he's like,
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] "Are you liking it more than you thought you would?"
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I was like, "I'm liking it the exact amount I thought I would."
And he said, like, "Well, I'm sorry it doesn't have Babadook in it."
[ALL LAUGHING]
I just realized, um... I told that whole story about the condom up my butt.
Which, I am sorry if that's not the show you expected.
I bet you thought it was all gonna be like, "Love yourself. Water off a duck's back."
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Judy Garland impressions.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[IMITATES JUDY GARLAND] Thank you.
Thank you. That's marvelous. It's absolutely wonderful.
It's so nice to see you all here.
I'm not Dorothy anymore.
I chopped off the pigtails, you see.
Um...
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I know you expected that probably and then you came,
and it's like, "Let me tell you about the time I lost a condom up my butt."
So I realized I told you
a whole story about condom getting lost up my butt, and I...
know that some of you are visual learners.
And you're probably like, "I don't know how it happened."
So I prepared a demonstration.
Now...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I used to take... teach, like, safe sex lessons.
Um, at the...
All Ages Queer Youth Resources Center of Portland Oregon.
And we used to do, you know, like, how to put on condom demonstration.
So, when you are showing someone how to put on a condom on an erect penis,
um, you can use a banana, or a cucumber.
Um, a carrot.
But when you're doing whiskey dick demonstration,
you take the banana peel off first.
So for those of you who still don't know the mechanics
of how that condom got lost in my butt... Beautiful, pinch the tip.
This banana... This banana is ready
for some safe, consensual, responsible sex.
So, um... This...
This was his penis.
His whiskey dick.
This right here is my pristine,
tight, tight butthole.
And this is how it happened.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Get in there.
Until finally it just worked its way up.
And it was lost forever.
And now...
Oh, did you... You all just watched me do that.
You all just watched this middle aged woman in corset
struggle to get down...
No one offered any help.
Thanks a lot.
This is now a souvenir for you. You get to keep that.
Just tie it off. Tie it off. Oh.
Here is some extra.
[ALL LAUGHING]
So, um... [CLEARS THROAT]
So, if you take away one lesson from tonight...
It's, um, what I said about embracing your true identity.
Especially when it comes to having sex, when finding sexual partners,
because, um, it just makes things so much better.
I actually wrote, um... I didn't write it. I don't...
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY] Who has the time?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My music partner Major Scales...
[APPLAUDS]
You hear that, Major? They know your name.
Um...
Major wrote this song.
But it is completely written about experiences that I have had in my own life.
Um, and I sing it for you now.
So that you may learn from it.
You're welcome.
Hit it.
["JUST ME THE GENDER BINARY BLUES" PLAYING]
♪ There's so much noise in the world today
♪ For whatever reason we all get to have our say
♪ But respect for which everybody begs
♪ Is hard to find with people so concerned
♪ With what's between our legs
♪ Now in the past I've caused confusion
♪ It's true [LAUGHS]
♪ But what's the fun of living life pink or blue?
♪ I say, just tell 'em all to shut up
♪ And just be you
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ La da di da da da ba da
♪ Now when I'm at the movies and I'm standing in line
♪ I might hear some guy shout out saying "Girl, you look fine"
♪ Well, I may think it's rude
♪ But that old attitude makes me laugh
[LAUGHS FORCEFULLY]
♪ Or if I'm on the phone and I'm talking so bold
♪ And that operator says to me "Ma'am, please hold"
♪ Well, I know it's my voice
♪ It's never been a choice for me
♪ I may sound like a dame and my curves make 'em cry
♪ But there is more man to me than meets the eye
♪ No, I'm not either or
♪ What a bore, I'm just me
[ALL APPLAUDING]
♪ Now when I'm at the doctor for little old check up
♪ And he says I've marked the wrong box and I wanna yell, "Step up!"
♪ Well, I take it in stride
♪ It won't change what's inside of me
- Might change the results of that Pap smear though. - Shut up.
♪ Or if I'm at airport security
♪ And they send in some chick
♪ To start patting me down until she notices my
♪ Dic-tion and my grammar correct
♪ I am what I elect to be
♪ Now you can call me uncouth
♪ Call me in a pinch hitter
♪ You can call me miss, or mister
♪ Just don't call me a quitter
♪ I've got nothing to prove
♪ Doll or dude
♪ I'm just me
♪ What does it matter if you're a girl, or a guy
♪ What good's a label do?
♪ Don't let them tell you that it's do or die
♪ I say, buck up They're the fuck up
♪ Don't let them put the blame on you
♪ Whoa, oh, oh
♪ We're both the beauty and the beast
♪ We're the genie and the lamp
♪ We're the tramp and we're the lady
♪ Though I'm mainly just the tramp
♪ Blowing up the binary
♪ I'm a stiletto on a size 12 shoe
♪ Enjoy the show and stick around, or screw
♪ Yeah, there's nothing they can do
♪ Darling, it's true 'cause I'm just
♪ Me
[APPLAUDING]
♪ Me
[ALL APPLAUDING]
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you so much. You've been a wonderful crowd.
Thank you, all. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Saint Syndrome, my pianist for the evening.
Thank you all so much, and um... I just want to remind you,
sex is so much better when you get to be yourself during it.
Don't let anyone slut shame you.
If they do, they are probably just religious and...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And all religions are cults.
Goodnight, everybody!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]